THIS SCRIPTS IS AVAILABLE TO READ OR DOWNLOAD PLEASE SCROLL DOWN 30 ROCK "Hard to Swallow" Written by Sam Mandragona Sam Mandragona [email protected] 609 819 5921 1. ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. 45TH STREET - DAY LIZ LEMON is walking down the street and stops at a store to watch some people play Rock Band. She glances up at the TVs in the window to see CNBC with the caption title "GE and Rooster Roaster Merger." CUT TO: INT. GE BOARD ROOM - DAY Seated at the conference table are DON GEISS, JACK DONAGHY, COLONEL AUGUSTUS SHERIDAN, the Chairman of Rooster Roaster and JONAH FLEMING, the CEO of The BIG Network with an unknown woman. The press conference is underway. DON GEISS This is the greatest opportunity in the history of General Electric to prepare us for the future. Everybody at the table nods their approval and smiles. DON GEISS (CONT'D) Isn't that right Colonel Sheridan? The Colonel is a tall man with white muttonchops, wearing a tan suit with a large cowboy hat. He stands and picks up the microphone to make his point. COLONEL SHERIDAN Well, Great Balls of Fire, this here is 'bout the finest business deal I rightly done since I started sellin' chicken tenders from the back of my 1965 Vista Cruiser wagon. The Colonel sits down as Don Geiss motions for a question from the reporters. REPORTER 1 Mr. Geiss, you each own a television network, NBC and the BIG Network. Will this pose a problem for FCC approval? 2. Jack clears his throat and motions to Don Geiss who nods approvingly. CUT TO: INT. THE 8TH FLOOR OF 30 ROCK - DAY The elevator doors open and Liz Lemon enters the hallway. Many of the workers are gathered around watching the hallway TV monitors. KENNETH comes over and is clearly nervous. KENNETH Ms. Lemon! What does this mean? I'm frightened. LIZ There's nothing to be afraid of. KENNETH What will become of our beloved and proud peacock? Taken over by heathens and harlots. Kenneth brushes his lapel pin. LIZ I'm sure Mr Donaghy will take care of everything. KENNETH I don't know Ms. Lemon. The newspapers are saying terrible things. Kenneth shows her various newspaper covers with different corny titles, "Peacock Plucked", "GE Cooked", "Well Done" "Cock-A-Doodle Due" "Size Matters" and one newspaper Kenneth is hesitant to show. LIZ What does that one say? KENNETH It's shameful. Beware the crow of the cock for it harbors the evil of men. The work of the Devil. Kenneth shows her the newspaper. Liz grimaces. LIZ Can they say that? In print? Kenneth looks at the newspaper quizzically. The front page shows a rooster with peacock feathers. The headline says "Big Cock Network!" 3. KENNETH I don't see why not--Oh my Lord! You're right. I told you. It's the work of the Dark Lord and his demons from the New York Post. They turn to watch the press conference on the TV monitors. CUT TO: INT. GE BOARD ROOM - CONTINUOUS JACK I will be preparing the necessary due diligence with the BIG Network leaders. Jack motions to Jonah Fleming who is engaged in a conversation with the woman and not paying attention to what is going on. REPORTER 1 Are you concerned about the FCC approval? Ownership of two networks faces media monopoly jurisdiction. JACK We don't see this as a problem and will meet whatever requirements the FCC deems necessary. Another reporter asks a question. REPORTER 2 How will you deal with the fact that the BIG Network is predominately exploitative programming? JACK And your point is? Everybody loves breasts and thighs. I'm sorry, was it chicken we were talking about? The reporter ignores Jack's joke and continues. REPORTER 2 The BIG Network is on a perpetual 15 second delay to avoid any inappropriate material. JACK We see no problem with that. Besides, the benefits of this combined merger will make us recession proof. 4. REPORTER 2 Even with advertising revenues remaining flat? JACK True, but this new company represents exactly what people crave most. Nuclear reactors, turbines, fast food and sex. Isn't that right? Jonah? Jack motions to Jonah Fleming who stops talking to the woman and leans into the microphone JONAH FLEMING I couldn't agree more. In this economy what else is there to do but eat and-- The screen cuts to color bars. CUT TO: INT. THE 8TH FLOOR OF 30 ROCK - CONTINUOUS Liz and Kenneth are startled at what they just saw on the TV. The voice of TRACY JORDAN is heard coming down the hallway. TRACY Liz Lemon! Did you hear what was just said on the TV? My "special" word. LIZ Of course, I heard it. Everybody did. TRACY How come he can say it and I can't? My reputation is sufferin'. I'm like a neutered version of Scarface. KENNETH Mr. Jordan. You don't need to bring yourself down to the level of hoodlums and gangsters. You're a real star. TRACY Then how come P-Diddy won't invite me to his parties? LIZ Tracy, we spoke about this before. (MORE) 5. LIZ (CONT'D) Don't make me wash your mouth out with soap again. Tracy reacts with horror at the thought. TRACY Oh! not that. When my mouth started foamin' Grizz thought I had rabies. He called the ASPCA on me. They are interrupted by CERI. CERI I'm sorry Ms. Lemon. Mr Donaghy just called. He needs you in his office in 15 minutes. LIZ This can't be good. (under her breath) Should I bring my soap? Liz walks away and heads towards her office. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - DAY Jack is with Jonah Fleming discussing the fallout from the press conference. Jack is clearly annoyed with Jonah. JACK There is no 15 second delay on CNBC. Your remark was heard around the world and probably picked up by at least three UFOs circling the earth. JONAH FLEMING Why don't you loosen your over starched tie and relax. JACK Do you understand what's at stake here? This will be the biggest merger in the world next to the marriage of Madonna and Prince Harry. Jonah leans back in his chair and picks up an award which looks like a lightbulb. Jack carefully takes it from Jonah's hand and places it gently back on the table. 6. JACK (CONT'D) Easy there, that was for my first bright idea at GE, the consolidated off switch for disarming a nuclear reactor meltdown. Not many people receive the "Sacred Bulb" award. I have six. A record. JONAH FLEMING (sarcastically) I get it, Jack. JACK What you're going to get is this. The FCC wants us to show the benefit of the combined network. JONAH FLEMING Before the actual merger is approved? What if I say no? JACK If not, then they're fine with turning the BIG Network into a home shopping channel for locomotives and chicken wings. Jonah reaches for another "lightbulb award." Jack looks disapprovingly and Jonah pulls his hand back. JONAH FLEMING Easy there "ke-mo sah-bee" we'll work it out. Your success is my success. JACK Not exactly. Your success is tied to money, beautiful women and the infantile behavior associated with immature millionaires and Democrats celebrating the end of the Bush administration. Jonah nods approvingly and smiles. JACK (CONT'D) For me, this is corporate Viagra. It's about power and lasting control. Jack adjusts his suit and fixes his tie. JACK (CONT'D) And of course the infantile behavior associated with immature millionaires. 7. They both laugh and shake hands as Jonah exits the office. Jack picks up the "lightbulb award" and polishes it as he places it back on the desk. He pumps his fist in excitement. CUT TO: INT. THE WRITERS ROOM - DAY The writers are gathered around the table discussing the merger. Liz Lemon is trying to calm them down. A video of the BIG Network's show, "Wild Women With Talent" is playing. LIZ Listen up! This isn't as bad as it looks. All Mr. Donaghy wants is a new show that will combine the best of ours with the best of theirs. FRANK But those guys suck! I've seen better jokes written on a bathroom stall. LUTZ The network is nothing but MILFs, WILFs and filth. FRANK Totally engrossing programming for the juvenile masses of pimply teens and perverts. You got me. I'm sold. LUTZ It's hopeless. No matter what we come up with we couldn't compete with lingerie rugby in heels or bikini cat-fights in Cool Whip. LIZ If we don't do this, then the FCC will cancel the merger. The writers shrug and fold their arms in protest. LIZ (CONT'D) If that happens then I don't want to be here when Mr. Donaghy appears dressed as a postal worker with that strange far away look in his eyes. CUT TO: INT. THE 8TH FLOOR OF 30 ROCK - DAY Jack Donaghy is dressed in a postal uniform with red glowing eyes and is walking through the hallway reminiscent of "The 8. Terminator." Everyone is running and screaming as he walks through the corridors. CUT TO: INT. THE WRITERS ROOM - CONTINUOUS The writers agree and begin to toss out ideas. There is a knock at the door. LIZ See, the family that plays together stays together. Some of the writers from the other show are going to join us.