Reviews: Tiny Dynamite Sport p40 Virgin Full report on Smoker a last gasp Nineteen rugby Eighty- victory for Fashionp20 Four Magdalene Reading between the lines Artsp30 for some vintage outfi ts Issue No 663 Friday October 26 2007 varsity.co.uk

e Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 A-levels could be scrapped in six years » Cambridge to assist in development of new diploma » Review in 2013 will decide fate of A-levels

Camilla Temple Maths and ICT skills, with opportu- undermining academic excellence,” nities to apply their learning in work- he told Varsity. “Whilst a new focus News Editor related contexts.” on vocational subjects is a good thing, Fourteen different diploma quali- creating diplomas for academic sub- Cambridge University is working fi cations will be introduced over the jects is a diversion which can only with the government to design a next three years. Some subjects are weaken the exam system.” new diploma qualifi cation that will to be introduced in September 2008, He added that the Conservative be offered as a widespread alterna- including Construction and the Built Party “supports the reform of voca- tive to A-levels from September Environment, Creative and Media, tional learning to provide an alterna- 2008. If the new diploma is success- and Engineering. Other Diplomas, tive route to employment, but the ful, A-levels could be scrapped in as such as Hair and Beauty, Hospitality new exams announced this week little as six years. and Retail, will follow over the next are designed to subvert GCSEs and The university has voiced its sup- three years. A-levels. Ed Balls should be con- port for the qualifi cation and has also The diploma is a separate qualifi ca- centrating on dealing with under- become involved in its development. tion from the Pre-U, the Cambridge- achievement, not drawing up fantasy From the start of the next academic developed A-level alternative which qualifi cations.” year, 40,000 students in over 900 will be piloted by various public Balls hopes to create an educa- schools will be given the option of schools from September 2008 and tional “market” in which a variety of choosing between A-levels and the which was designed in response to qualifi cations can compete with one new diploma. complaints about the modular exami- another. He said, “If diplomas are de- Ed Balls, the government Minister nations and unlimited re-sits of the livering the mix that employers and for Schools, explained that the Diplo- A-level system. universities value, they could become mas will “combine an in depth theo- Dr Geoff Parks, Director of Under- the qualifi cation of choice for young retical and practical study of subject graduate Admissions at Cambridge people.” areas and a strong focus on English, University and member of the Ex- He admitted that GCSEs and A- pert Advisory Board to the Diploma levels were “long established and Development Partnership, said: “The valued qualifi cations” and therefore Diplomas provide the opportunity to should not be phased out as a result Douglas Murray develop new components that address of “any pre-emptive Government de- some of the defi ciencies of A-levels.” cision but instead by the demands of The ‘Michael He is involved in a group developing young people, schools and colleges.” Moore an Engineering Maths unit for the Richard Lambert, Director Gen- Engineering Diploma and says that it eral of the Confederation of British of “promises to be a better preparation Industry, who will sit on the Expert for the study of engineering at uni- Advisory Board, responded to the the versity than Maths A-level”. plans cautiously. “The proof of the A review of the A-level system will pudding is always in the eating. Di- Right’ take place in 2013 at which point a plomas must meet three key tests. decision will be made about whether First, they need to give more young they are to be continued. people the skills needed for the mod- Dr Parks explained that, while the ern world; second, they must be seen University supports both of the Pre- as a valid and worthwhile alternative p13 U and the diploma alternatives, “They to GCSEs and A-levels; and third, are two different qualifi cations. The they must attract young people who Pre-U is a two year sixth form qualifi - are currently turning their backs on

cation, while the diplomas are a second- the education system.” RICHARD GARDNER Letters 8 ary school qualifi cation covering Years Concerns have been voiced over 9 through 13. It is conceivable that the short amount of time available The boy who beat the chimes Comment 10 students taking diplomas could study for implementing the qualifi cation. components drawn from the Pre-U Lambert said, “The government has Sam Dobin has become the third person in history to just as they can study A-levels.” embarked on a very ambitious plan complete the Trinity Great Court Run in the time it takes Idler 11 Michael Gove, the shadow chil- to roll out this programme in a short dren’s secretary, has reservations space of time. If it is to be successful, for the college clock to strike noon. He completed the 367 Reviews 30 about the new diploma qualifi cation. the diploma system must be properly metre course in 42.77 seconds, the fastest time on record, “Diplomas were supposed to be about promoted to students, universities outperforming two Olympic champions. The Anorak 37 improving vocational education, not and employers.” » Full story p3 Chief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple Friday October 26 2007 2 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

In Brief Student threatened with Cook off goes down a treat rape A female student was threatened » Indignant students say they never taste gourmet food in hall with rape in Market Square last Sat- urday evening at 11.30pm. She was » College chefs pull out all the stops to impress judges cornered by two men whilst walking alone. The CUSU women’s offi cer, Alex Glasner vegetarians and vegans and visi- Elly Shepherd, told Varsity that the tors were especially impressed student involved did not wish for any Sidney Sussex has won this year’s by the desserts. One dessert was further information to be revealed. intercollegiate chef competition, formed in the shape of a piano and She stressed that precautions which was held at Girton Col- another resembled a top hat. should be taken when travelling lege on Wednesday. Chefs from Food was bought specially from at night; students should travel each college were judged on their local sources and there was an un- in groups, and choose cycling over ability to create a starter, main limited budget for chefs to spend walking. The incident comes just course, vegetarian dish and des- on their entry dishes. prior to a weekend of training for sert. There was a separate class Some chefs, however, managed Rape Crisis Centre volunteers at for chefs aged under 21. to do well on an apparently small King’s College. Among the winning dishes cre- budget; minimalism seemed key Emma Inkester ated by Sidney’s team of chefs for many dishes. Nonetheless, were a melody of suffolk pork, visitors were surprised that the Darwinian celebrations lobster and cromer crab ravioli, scollop tureen and poached pear The University with pomegranate. of Cambridge Johnny Bridgeman, one of the “It’s just ridiculous. unveiled chefs from the victorious team, plans this told Varsity that he was “chuffed When have you week for to bits” about the result. “It was a a major great bit of team work,” he said. ever seen spun celebration Many of the chefs woke up be- of the life fore five o’clock in the morning to sugar baskets in the and works finish their dishes and the judges buttery?” of Charles spent the rest of the morning de- Darwin to ciding upon a winner. take place There was a special counter for RICHARD WEST in July food was “so nice to look at” in This delectable dessert bowled the judges over 2009. Darwin attended Christ’s comparison to the usual buttery College as a student between 1827 fare and responded by criticis- ed dessert for twenty fellows. a problem with the competition and 1831, and the festival will ing their colleges for spending Accusations have arisen that is that the food is not judged on mark the bicentenary of his birth comparatively little on everyday the competition is little more how it tastes. “None of the judges and the 150th anniversary of the cooking. One student commented than a farce. Claims that much of were allowed to actually taste the publication of his renowned Ori- that the food was “ridiculous,” the food was raw were supported food,” he explained. “The prob- gin of Species. and that she had never heard of when one of the dishes was found lem is that the dishes have to be Professor Sir Patrick Bateson, quail, let alone seen it on her col- to contain raw tuna. brought in very early in the morn- chair of the Darwin 2009 Com- lege menu. One of the chefs said: “I would ing, and we can’t have people eat- mittee, explained that the festival “It’s just ridiculous,” said Emma not eat any of the dishes, not even ing food that’s been left out so aims to examine Darwin’s impact Clutton-Brock, a second year stu- my own. I didn’t even cook the long because of health and safety not only on the natural and social dent from St John’s. “When have potatoes!” He alleged that many regulations.” sciences, but also on literature, the you ever seen spun sugar baskets of the dishes were plastic, or at Nonetheless this competition arts, philosophy and religion. He in the buttery?” least could not feasibly be what was taken very seriously, and the added that “Cambridge is the ob- The rules for the competition they purported to be. kudos attached to being the best vious place to hold such an event clearly stated that this must be Graham Hambling, catering chef in Cambridge is no small due to its remarkable collections food that chefs would serve for a manager at Girton and organ- matter, especially when such good of Darwin’s work and specimens.” fellows’ dinner. One chef laughed iser of the competition, denied looking food is involved. One chef Emma Inkester RICHARD WEST at the suggestion that he could re- that any false food was used by remarked “we have nothing else Food was beautifully presented produce his intricately construct- the chefs. But he admitted that to do – we do it for the craic.” Women in science

A panel of fi ve renowned academ- ics addressed the Cambridge Un- Peaches snubs Cambridge Teens stabbed ion on the controversial topic of “Why women are no good at sci- ence (and how science stops them gay night for MTV party from being good)”. Professor Si- outside KamBar mon Baron-Cohen presented fi nd- ings showing that new-born baby Katherine Faulkner arrange the DJ gig for Trash Puss- Jessica King Ford Focus. It is unclear at this girls prefer to look at human faces News Editor ies for another date.” She added time what happened in the run up while new-born baby boys prefer that Peaches and Fifi had been “re- Two teenagers are in hospital to the attack and detectives will to look at mechanical mobiles. Dr Peaches Geldof cancelled her ally looking forward” to the gig. after being stabbed in Guildhall be taking statements from both Yulia Kovas also presented her scheduled appearance at Precious, However, Geldof and her sister Street last Saturday. victims. investigations into correlations the LGBT night at Club 22 on were photographed that night by Simon Neve, an employee of the Detective Sergeant Andy Crock- between sex and mathematical Tuesday in favour of attending an the Daily Mail at the SKY send-off nearby Kambar Nightclub, called er of the Cambridge Constabualry ability. The panel supported the MTV music award bash in London. party for the MTV Europe Music police and an ambulance after he has appealed to to anyone who concept that there were some Peaches Geldof and Fifi Brown’s DJ Awards at Bloomsbury ballroom. discovered an 18-year-old boy ly- might have seen the attack or inherent differences between duet Trash Pussies pulled out late Below the article on the Daily ing on the fl oor surrounded by a what happened in the moments men and women but universally on Tuesday after many disgruntled Mail website, a student has com- gang of youths. leading up to the incident: “There agreed that the proposition that mented, “So that’s where Peaches He told Varsity: “When I moved were a number of people in the women were no good at science was. Silly me, thought she’d be towards him the others moved Guildhall Street area at the time was “insane”. at Club 22 in Cambridge, where away. I went to move the boy and of the attack and I would appeal Sue Kirk Geldof was she’d confi rmed a DJ set only a felt his side was hot and sticky. I to those people to contact police. few days ago.” lifted up his top and saw at least Any information, no matter how photographed that A spokesperson for Club 22 said: two puncture wounds where he’d small, could prove invaluable to night at the MTV “As far as I am aware we were not been stabbed. the investigation.” given a reason for Peaches’ absence “He tried to sit up but his mouth The two victims, aged 18 and Music Awards party last night at Club 22. It has since was full of blood so I tried to clear 19, both received stab wounds been pointed out to me that accord- it. Someone brought some proper and were taken to Addenbrooke’s 52 Trumpington Street Cambridge CB2 1RG ing to a Daily Mail article, Peaches wound dressings and I put pres- hospital with what have been de- attended an MTV party with her sure on his stomach. When the am- scribed as serious injuries. Their FREE CHELSEA BUN clubbers had already paid for entry sister last night.” She added: “The bulance arrived they saw straight condition is now reported to be With every purchase over £2.00 in the shop to see them. people present last night didn’t away how serious it was and took stable. OR Geldof’s manager, Kirsty Wil- seem too bothered by her absence him to hospital.” A spokesperson for Cambridge- liams, told Varsity “The reason for in my opinion.” “It’s sickening. I’ve worked in a shire police said that “a 26-year- FREE MORNING cancellation had nothing to do with When asked whether Geldof’s lot of places, but you don’t expect old man and a 21-year-old man, COFFEE/TEA Peaches.” The decision to cancel management had cancelled due to it in Cambridge. Young kids with both from Cambridge, have been (9am-12pm) With any cake or pastry in the restaurant was made by Williams herself, “as the fact that Tuesday was the club’s knives are a growing problem. It’s arrested on suspicion of attempt- the promoters who had contracted gay night, Helene Williamson of young local lads who think they’re ed murder and have been bailed”. on presentation of this voucher the event were in breach of con- Precious Promotions said: “We’re gangsters.” She added that incidents such and proof of student status tract. I was disappointed to have contractually prohibited from com- The assailants are believed as these remain “extremely rare” to cancel, and have offered to re- menting.” to have fl ed the scene in a black in Cambridgeshire. Friday October 26 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 3 Coe praise for Dobin after Great Court record shattered » Second year Trinity undergraduate outruns Olympic athletes in historic race

Katy lee a second year running since he was think he was close, but he didn’t quite News Editor forced to degrade halfway through get round in time,” says Dobin. “He last year due to illness. also cheated because he started in “I’d had a really hard push the day the wrong place.” Sam Dobin has beaten the times of before, and the Men’s Blues captain Dobin has sacrifi ced a lot for two Olympic athletes to become the had phoned me and told me not to love of his sport. His illness last fastest person ever to complete the race because it’s not good for your year, which forced him to degrade Trinity Great Court Run. Competi- joints to run on cobbled ground. I and begin the Economics Tripos tors in the historic race, which was woke up on Saturday feeling a bit afresh this Michaelmas, was partly made famous by its appearance in the stiff, but I thought, I’m in really good caused by an injury to his pelvis he fi lm Chariots of Fire, must complete shape and it’s a really famous race, so obtained by running. the 367 metre course in the 43.6 sec- let’s try it.” “Running is a very isolating sport, onds it takes for the clock to repeat Professional athletes have found it especially when you’re a student. two sets of twelve chimes. very diffi cult to beat the clock in the You’ve got to be really disciplined. Dobin’s time of 42.77 seconds is the past. “The only person to have offi - I run at six o’clock in the morning fastest on record and was described cially got round it is Lord Burghley twice a week,” said Dobin. by the Dean of Trinity College as “a Dobin intends to follow in the truly tremendous achievement and a footsteps of the previous two Great rare moment in Trinity’s history”. Court Run victors by competing in Baron Sebastian Coe, the chair- “a truly tremendous the Olympics. “I’d really like to be man of the London Organising Com- part of the 2012 squad,” he said. mittee for the 2012 Olympic Games achievement and Humphrey Waddington, presi- and winner of two Olymic gold med- dent of Cambridge University Ath- als, has offered his congratulations a rare moment in letics Club, is pleased with Dobin’s to Dobin. Speaking to Varsity, Bar- progress. “CUAC saw his potential on Coe said that fi nishing the race Trinity’s history” when he arrived as a fresher last before the fi nal chime was “a fantas- year,” he told Varsity. “He has been tic and very rare achievement”. Coe, running strongly over the summer who attempted the Trinity Great and his current form shows that his Court Run for charity in 1988, was in 1927,” says Dobin. Whether or not training is paying off.” generally accepted to be the second Sebastian Coe actually completed this By a strange coincidence, he also person ever to complete the course challenge is highly contested. Dobin plans to follow the unusual dual ca- within the time limit. may therefore be the second rather reer path taken by both Lord Burgh- Dobin, a second year economist, than the third person in history to ley and Baron Coe. Both of these men is still bemused by his success. “It have achieved this rare feat. achieved the multiple distinctions of was an amazing feeling,” he said. “I After that race a television pre- winning an Olympic gold medal, be- can’t believe I’ve actually set the senter reported that Coe had fi n- coming a member of both Houses of record for it. The only two people ished in 42.53 seconds. But a video of Parliament and chairing the London who have done it before are Olym- the race apparently shows that Coe Olympics Organising Committee. pics champions. It was just really, was 12 metres short of the fi nish line Dobin too has expressed a desire to really weird.” The race is tradi- when the last chime sounded. pursue a career in politics. Last year tionally run by athletically inclined Television commentators claimed he was voted the Youth Prime Minis- Trinity freshers at noon on the day that the dying sounds of the bell ter in a competition organised by the of the Matriculation Dinner. could be included in the striking time, National Youth Parliament. “I just But Dobin was able to attempt allowing Coe’s run to be claimed as hope it’s a sign that I’m following in the Great Court Run challenge for successfully within the time limit. “I their footsteps,” he says. Sam Dobin is the third person in history to beat the chimes RICHARD GARDNER Animal rights protestors attack opera » Les Mamelles de Tirésias: there ‘are much better things to target than a charity’

Camilla Temple “sabotage”. “it was awful and not think that ticket sales had News Editor upsetting,” She said. “The opera suffered because of the protests. wasn’t harming anyone”. In response to criticisms over An opera performed by Cam- Another member of the student animal testing, a spokesperson bridge students has been tar- production team echoed her feel- for the Breast Cancer Campaign geted by animal rights protestors ings. “We were happy for them to said that “there are occasions because the performance was leaflet,” he said, “but it was a bit when potentially life-saving re- raising money for the Breast Can- much to sabotage the publicity.” search still depends on the use of cer Research Campaign, a charity The director of the opera, Debo- animals and this is not an issue which tests on animals. that we or any of our scientists Campaigners used a variety of take lightly.” methods to counteract the pro- The charity asserted that “all duction’s support of the charity. “It was awful and new medicines, no matter what Many of the posters advertising they are, are required by law to the opera were taken down and upsetting. The opera be tested on animals” but that an- stickers criticising the use of ani- imal research will not be funded mals in research were stuck up. wasn’t harming “unless it is essential and there is One activist stood outside the no alternative.” performance handing out leaflets anyone” The charity told Varsity; “Wher- which exhorted the audience not ever possible, our scientists aim to support inhumane animal test- to carry out their research on pa- ing and claiming that the charity tients, on computers or on cells inserts tumors into mice as part rah Grayson, said that she “didn’t in a laboratory and many of the of its research procedure. object to the leafleting” but that projects we fund are like this. The comic opera, Les Mamelles it was “ridiculous” for protestors “But ultimately, if they are all de Tirésias, or The Breasts of to think that this was a good way working towards the common aim Tiresias, was put on by members to gain support for the cause. of cutting deaths from breast can- of the University in Great St “There are lots of better things cer, they need to explore every Mary’s Church on Thursday and to target than a charity,” said one available avenue, which might Friday of last week. One mem- cast member. Members of the one day lead to new drugs, treat- Great St Mary’s Church where the opera was held LIZZIE ROBINSON ber of the cast called the protests production team, however, did ments and cures.” Chief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple Friday October 26 2007 4 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Gaddafi calls Darfur a ‘quarrel over a camel’

Mike Kielty statements made by U.S. Vice Presi- dent Dick Cheney regarding Libya’s Libyan leader Colonel Muammar suspension of its WMD programme, al-Gaddafi addressed a packed Cam- he suggested that Cheney was dis- bridge Union on Monday evening via playing symptoms of Alzheimer’s a live video link. Gaddafi spoke for disease. “I hope he is not sick,” he over an hour from his Presidential added jokingly. Palace in Tripoli, fanning himself He drew laughter but also looks with exotic leaves during pauses. of concern from the audience as he He highlighted the changes forced said, “Are we going to hit Israel on world leaders by globalisation. with an atomic bomb? No! There “The world now is a village,” he said. are one million Palestinians living in He also emphasised the need for Af- Israel.” He cited his “Little White rican problems to be left alone by for- Book”, which Iranian delegates eign powers and voiced his mistrust had made available to Union mem- of “imperialist superpowers like the bers, in which he has outlined his US and China”. “single state solution for Israel and Gaddafi, who is chairing a major Palestine”. This would involve the international conference on the po- creation of a democratic, multi-faith litical problems in Darfur, claimed country called “Isratine”. that the conflict was a local dispute, Union President Roland Foxcroft and its resolution was best left to the appreciated the Libyan leader’s Sudanese government. He said: “You frankness and “radically different might laugh, but the main issue is viewpoints”, even if they were not to about a quarrel over a camel.” the liking of much of the audience. Today’s high oil prices mean that Gaddafi has been the de facto the Libyan leader is commanding leader of Libya since leading a blood- currency reserves of an estimated less coup in 1969. He has received £35 billion, with Libya holding annual criticism in the past for the use of oil revenues of £20 billion. But he only violence in suppressing opposition, mentioned oil in reference to the “im- particularly for the decision by his perial interests” of the West. “Every- revolutionary committees to assas- one wants their share in the region,” sinate nine expatriate Libyan dis- he said. “Oil is a dangerous thing.” sidents in 1980. He was also widely Gaddafi argued that nuclear weap- regarded in the West as a principal ons would be useless to his nation. financier of international terrorism When presented with unfavourable during the 1970s and 1980s. Colonel Gaddafi addressed the Cambridge Union via video link on Monday evening tim johns ARE YOU A LEGEND?

Nominations for the Varsity 100 are now open

100 @varsity.co.uk

Equity Analyst Sloane Robinson LLP is currently recruiting a select number of graduates to work as equity analysts. We are one of the largest London-based hedge funds, specialising in absolute return equity investment in Europe, Asia and Emerging Markets. Established in 1993, the rm has a successful track record and manages over US$14bn. Interested candidates are invited to attend our presentation and Q&A session at 1:00pm today, Friday 26th October 2007 at Peterhouse College. A description of the position can also be found at the University careers website. Applications in the form of CV and covering letter should be sent to: [email protected] by 4th November.

Sloane Robinson LLP, 20 St. Dunstan’s Hill, London EC3R 8ND Friday October 26 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 5 Watson pulls out of Union after racism row » Watson resigned chancellorship of New York laboratory after comments Caius » Union president initially planned to go ahead with talk The wet samaritan An affable member of this prestigious Hannah Price college recieved a paltry reward for his unquestionable valour this week. Nobel laureate James Watson has Strolling home from an evening’s pulled out of a planned speech at entertainments, he happened upon the Cambridge Union just after his a sadly inebriated damsel in consid- controversial remarks about the erable distress. Resolving to do the link between race and intelligence honourable thing, and noticing she prompted widespread protest in was fi t, the strapping speedo enthusi- the national media and across the ast good-naturedly hauled the young university. reveller onto his muscular shoulders Watson, who was awarded the and attempted to convey her to safe- Nobel Prize for Physiology or Medi- ty as fast as his winkle-pickers could cine in 1962 and is be st known as one carry him. of the co-discoverers of the struc- However, seconds later our sa- ture of DNA, was due to address maritan’s hair was literally standing the Union on Tuesday but cancelled on end as it dawned on him that the the talk for “personal reasons”. Yes- warm feeling in his chest was not, in terday, he resigned as chancellor of fact, merely a growing sense of self the prestigious Cold Spring Harbor satisfaction resulting from his altru- Laboratory in New York. ism. No, our fresh faced hero had Watson’s comments fi rst attract- been urinated upon by the same veg- ed media attention last week when etative vixen that he had been mag- he was quoted in an interview with nanimously attempting to rescue. the Sunday Times as saying that he Happily, however, our spy heard was “inherently gloomy about the that the tale of his efforts, combined prospect of Africa”. He said: “All with his irresistably chiseled fea- our social policies are based on the tures, won him the heart of a con- fact that their intelligence is the scious female later that night, with same as ours – whereas all the test- whom he went on to enjoy a mutually ing says not really”. He went on to CHRIS THWAITE pleasurable soiree, notwithstanding comment that while he would hope Junior Penge Juma, the CUSU Black Students’ Offi cer, condemned Watson’s remarks the odour of his shirt. Meanwhile, his everyone was equal, “people who fi rst acquaintance of the evening had have to deal with black employees his genetics and his book and not Black Students Offi cer, had organ- “Anything he says, even if it’s just the dubious privilege of spending a fi nd this not true”. about his views [on race]”. ised a large demonstration that his opinion, will be taken as a scien- night in Addenbrookes. Union President Roland Foxcroft He added, “Our aim is not to upset would have taken place both inside tifi c fact,” he said. “Anybody who had initially planned to go on with or offend, but to provide a sensible and outside the Union had the talk makes comments that fuel up racial the talk, despite mounting pressure opportunity for members to hear gone ahead. Students from both hatred needs to justify them.” He Ballare to cancel it following London’s Sci- Dr Watson and question his views.” Cambridge University and Anglia added that he was not surprised by ence Museum’s decision to call off a Foxcroft insists that he would have Ruskin University had planned to Watson’s remarks. “The kind of soci- Podgy smoker takes the similar appearance by Watson last been happy for protests to take participate. Juma is concerned that ety in which we live is endemically piss Thursday. He justifi ed the decision place. “The Union respects their Watson’s position as a well respect- racist,” he said. to continue with the talk “on the ba- freedom of expression,” he said. ed scientist means his controversial A corpulent nicotine afi cionado com- sis that he was invited to talk about Junior Penge Juma, the CUSU views could be seen as acceptable. » Comment p11 mitted a gross act of disrespect this week in the vicinity of this popular nightspot. After exhaling the toxic content of his lungs into the face of an unimpressed bouncer, the scoun- Tug of law over ball tickets drel was told in no uncertain terms that the recent smoking ban would be rigorously enforced inside this » Law Ball denies poor planning after unruly queue leaves students ticketless upstanding establishment. Any de- sire to enter this fumeless hole hav- Katherine Faulkner many people who had arrived some- missed out told Varsity, “Not a ings about getting there early.” ing been defi nitively quenched, our time afterwards. single lawyer from Churchill Col- “I thought their email was really friend was forced to resort to other News Editor “There was seemingly little re- lege managed to get a ticket for the rude,” said one lawyer of the initial means of emptying his bulging blad- The Cambridge Law Society faced gard paid to people’s original posi- ball, despite queuing for two hours. explanation that the Law Society der. Prospective student clubbers angry complaints from students this tions and I was in fact at one point Committee members were being gave for the disorder. “They made could only look on in horror as, rest- week over the way in which tickets physically tugged by Mr Taczal- extremely rude, the whole thing it sound like it was our fault for not ing his diminutive manhood gently for its annual ball were allocated. ksi towards my designated queu- was really badly organised and a lot getting there early. But actually the atop the red pleated cord contain- One student claimed that Law So- ing spot.” Another student said of law students feel most aggrieved queue system was just rubbish.” ing the queue, our spherical friend ciety President Carlo Taczalski, Law Society committee members that they aren’t able to attend a The society has since apologised decanted the processed liqueurs he who called Saturday’s ticket sale a accused him “in a really aggressive ‘law’ ball.”Victoria Raymond, who personally to those involved in the had latterly imbibed onto the pave- “highly professional operation”, had fashion” of pushing into the queue. was unable to purchase a ticket, altercations in the queue, conceding ment below, splattering the shoes of “physically tugged” him to the back Mr Taczalski has refused to comment told Varsity, “I’m annoyed about it. that, “although demand exceeded our several innocent victims. of the queue. The Law Society has directly on the allegation that he was I think they should give priority to expectations we could (and should) apologised for its handling of the personally involved in crowd control. lawyers. Loads of non-lawyers got have done better with the queue. queue but have strongly defended Some students say they were told tickets, but I don’t think any second- Lessons will be learnt for next year.” Trinity Hall the event’s organisation. “not to bother” when they turned year lawyers at my college did.” Carlo Taczalski explained: “it is Despite spending hours queuing, up at 11, as other students had been Not all of the feedback has been clear that [the Law Society] is open Romance attempt goes many students missed out on tickets there since 9am. The committee negative. First year Alasdair Pearce to everyone in the university. Whilst up in smoke completely. Those at the front were claim that they intervened to reduce defended the organisation. He ac- lawyers make up the vast majority, it able to buy up to fi ve tickets each, queue jumping: “It is regrettable cused complainants of “sour grapes” also includes those in other faculties A hapless Romeo made a literal a rule which students have branded that there was some upset in the at failing to get tickets and said with an interest in law, and a few of spectacle of himself this week. In “a disgrace.” Many were also an- queue and we apologise to anyone such criticism was simply “making their friends. Restricting the event a somewhat blunderous attempt gry that no preference was given who missed out as a result of this.” a mountain out of a molehill”. The to law society members who are also to charm a duet of delectable dam- to lawyers. Ball President Michael But according to Churcher, “queue Law Society have mounted a rigor- lawyers would both exclude a minor- sels at a party, the opportunist in Hilton defended the rule: “It did not jumping was exacerbated by the ar- ous defence, pointing out that with ity of members and go against the question leaned casually against a prevent members getting tickets as bitrary organisation infl icted upon a membership in excess of 1000 and ethos of the society. Being a member wall in an attempt to show off his the vast majority of people booking us by Law Society staff. There seem just 560 tickets available, disappoint- entitled you to a £14 discount; this toned physique to its fullest ad- a number of tickets were doing it for to have been major errors of judge- ment was inevitable. was the perk for being a member. vantage. Unfortunately, in so do- themselves and other members.” ment and a lack of foresight on the “Allowing every guest to dine is “It is the very high standard of ing, a nearby tea-light ignited his Daniel Churcher, a law student at part of senior Law Society offi cers. one of the great things about the the ball which both encourages sup- clothes, and our poor protagonist Corpus, said: “When Carlo Taczalski We ended up almost literally at the Law Ball,” they said, “but this does port from top law fi rms and allows it burst swiftly into fl ames. A young intervened in an attempt to make back of the queue and were, predict- limit capacity to 540, plus workers to compete with the best that Cam- lady was on hand to dull the fl ames the queue more orderly, we found ably, unable to obtain tickets, having and entertainers. Membership of bridge has to offer. We are obviously with a blanket but, alas, did not that we were led directly to the back wasted a number of hours.” the Society stands in excess of 1000, doing something right if such a huge later offer to share her duvet with of the newly formed line, behind the A Churchill lawyer who also and explains our numerous warn- number of people wish to go.” the singed singleton. Chief News Editors: Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple Friday October 26 2007 6 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news News Feature Dishing the dirt on Cambridge » City council fi nds wide divergence in hygiene standards in restaurants and college kitchens » Some of the city’s most expensive restaurants among the poorest performers

Aditya Dasgupta & scribed themselves as “apathetic” about the cleanliness of the environ- Divya Talwar ment their food was produced in. One how clean is Health and safety inspections unconcerned student commented, by Cambridge City Council have “I’m happy to eat in one of the poorly your college’s found great disparities in the rated restaurants as long as there level of hygiene maintained by are no visible creepy crawlies.” kitchen? the city’s eating places, reveal- On average, college halls and ing poor standards of hygiene in butteries received signifi cantly some of the city’s more upmarket higher scores than restaurants. Christ’s restaurants. No college received a rating of one The Council’s “Scores on the or no stars, although Darwin and Doors” food business assessment Wolfson Colleges received only scheme also revealed that some two star ratings. “I’m shocked Clare of the eateries popular with uni- that my college’s kitchen places versity students, including those the same emphasis on health and facilities provided by the colleges, safety as the Van of Life,” said have performed poorly. one Darwin student, while an- Corpus Food businesses under the other commented that she will be Scores on the Doors scheme are eating a lot more of her meals at given a rating out of a maximum the Fudge Kitchen from now on. Darwin of fi ve stars, based on their com- At the top of the table, Pembroke, pliance with statutory hygiene Newnham and Hughes Hall each guidelines. Five stars are award- received fi ve stars. ed for “excellent” hygiene stand- Ross Goodfellow, Environmental Emma ards and no stars for “very poor” Health Offi cer at the Cambridge standards. City Council, said, “Restaurants Inspectors take numerous fac- are often very cooperative with King’s tors into consideration, including inspectors and value the advice levels of staff training, personal Jim Garrahy’s Fudge Kitchen came top in the ranking CHRIS THWAITE given by offi cers”. hygiene, pest control, and cleanli- Goodfellow pointed out that the ness of the premises. Cambridge concealing poor hy- close behind with four and three hygiene ratings given to premises Queens’ The results of the hygiene in- giene in the kitchen. Turkish res- star ratings respectively. represent only the situation as spections reveal some worrying taurant Anatolia, Spanish tapas Many students expressed sur- found by the offi cer on the day truths about many of Cambridge’s bar La Tasca and pricey Chinese prise at the fact that Jim Garrahy’s of inspection, which might not be Sidney most frequented restaurants.Sev- restaurant Charlie Chan were Fudge Kitchen on King’s Parade representative of the long term eral establishments received a each awarded one star ratings, takes the top spot. But others did food hygiene standards of that par- star rating of two or less, including while even the much cheaper Van not fi nd the results surprising. One ticular restaurant. lunchtime favourites Nadia’s, Dojo of Life trailer in Market Square Trinity student suggested that Over 850 eating places in Cam- Trinity Noodle Bar, Nero’s and EAT. More performed slightly better in the “the costliness of a restaurant will bridge have already been as- surprisingly, restaurants widely Council’s inspections, receiving a probably depend more on location, sessed under the scheme. Certain considered to be among the fi nest two star rating. quality of the food, and number of colleges and restaurants, notably of Cambridge’s dining establish- Charlie Chan, which claims to staff” than hygiene. student favourite Gardies, have Wolfson ments also fared very poorly. produce “classical Chinese food Three out of fi ve students de- yet to be inspected. In a survey carried out by Var- with freshly prepared ingredi- sity, students expressed a belief ents”, defended its one star rat- that the costliness of a restaurant ing by stating that it had “not should correlate roughly with its received any complaints in the level of hygiene. The menu prices past,” adding: “Our customers al- of Chez Gerard on Bridge Street ways leave happy.” seemed to correspond with its four When asked about the res- star health and safety rating but taurant’s poor hygiene rating, a amongst other expensive restau- Browns spokesperson said, “I can’t rants it was clear from the fi nd- really comment. I don’t really know ings that the hygiene standards too much about it to be honest.” of Cambridge’s restaurants bear But the restaurant has responded little relation to their menu prices. to their most recent inspection re- Cheaper options such as Wag- sults on the Scores on the Doors amama and Nando’s did as well as website. “Since the Environmen- Chez Gerard, scoring four points. tal Health Offi cer visit we have ap- However, Browns restaurant, pointed a new manager at Browns, described by Which? magazine’s Cambridge with a proven track re- Good Food Guide as “an institu- cord in food safety”. tion on a par with the Bodleian”, Several popular student lunch- was awarded only one star for hy- time stops scored very well. giene for its Cambridge branch. Tilly’s Lunchbox on Botolph Lane Nor is Browns the only appar- received an exceptional fi ve stars, ently “upmarket” restaurant in with Tatties and Peppercorns The Van of Life scored an underwhelming two stars TIM JOHNS food hygiene in cambridge’s restaurants: the best and the worst

THE BEST THE WORST

FUDGE KITCHEN NADIA’S PATISSERIE

TILLY’S LUNCHBOX THE FLYING PIZZA

TERI AKI THE BUN SHOP

TATTIES (TRINITY STREET) CHARLIE CHAN’S

CLOWNS CAFE BROWNS Friday October 26 2007 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 7 Obituary Professor Donald McIntyre » Emeritus professor with a passion for education

Mike Younger Professor, and it was quickly appar- a formidable reputation for re- Head of the Faculty of Education ent that Cambridge was to be pos- forming teacher education, Donald sibly the most substantial benefi ci- was already a major force in edu- ary of his energy and enthusiasm. cational research, and his career The education world has been In 1997, he assumed the head- spans the development of educa- stunned this week by the sudden ship of the newly formed School tional research from an embryonic death of Donald McIntyre (1937 – of Education (an amalgam of the discipline in the late 1960s to its 2007), Emeritus Professor within Institute and the Department), status today as a fully-fl edged so- the University Faculty of Education, and he worked tirelessly and vig- cial science and a major contribu- and Life Fellow of Hughes Hall. orously, with Kate Pretty and Tim tor to educational policy. Donald had just returned from Everton from Homerton College, The fi rst conference of the Brit- East Africa, where he had been to establish the new converged ish Educational Research Associa- establishing a new partnership be- Faculty of Education in 2001. tion was held in Stirling in 1974 and tween the University and the Aga As its fi rst Head, he led the new two decades later he was to serve as Khan Institute in Dar-es-Salaam. Faculty with fl air, enthusiasm and its President. He was deeply inter- Next week he was due in Aber- vision, and the Faculty, in its new ested in politics and was frequently deen, to explore the potential for buildings in Hills Road, stands as consulted both by the teaching pro- a three-way initial teacher educa- a testament to his imagination, fession and by government. tion research consortium with col- foresight and determination. He His contributions to the dis- leagues in England, Scotland and cipline’s infra-structure were Canada. Later next month, he was especially valued in his native due to participate in discussion Scotland where his achievements about the further development of “He was a man were recently celebrated through the Commonwealth Centre for of ideas, an the award of honorary doctorates Education, an initiative designed to from Edinburgh and Dundee. impact on teacher education, school inspirational thinker To Professor Sally Brown, former leadership and children’s learning Deputy Vice-Chancellor at Stirling throughout the Commonwealth. who represented all University and his long-term re- Such was ‘retirement’ for Don- search collaborator, Donald “was ald, a man for whom tributes have that was good and the most profound educational fl owed from every part of the worthwhile about thinker to emerge in Scotland in world these last few days. A man fi fty years. He had an amazing un- of Fife, as he described himself, being an academic derstanding of the engagement of Donald was educated at the Uni- theory, research and practice which Professor Donald MacIntyre versity of Edinburgh and Moray in education” in education are so often falsely re- House College of Education, and garded as separate entities”. with colleagues of the changing who had the rare gift of being able – apart from two years in Hull Donald’s own research was status of teaching as a profession. to blend the two aspects of the in the mid 60s – spent his early highly original, challenging and All were central to his vision of an role to perfection. career teaching in Scotland, pre- was, in the words of the Vice- infl uential. His fi rst major book, enabling education which would Donald’s sense of fun, his hu- dominantly at the University of Chancellor, “an anchor and source Teachers and Teaching (Penguin, liberate and empower individuals. manity and his humility, his love Stirling (1969-1985). of wisdom for the Education Fac- 1970), co-authored with Arnold To remember Donald, though, of Scotland and France, and of Inexplicably, though, Scotland ulty during tumultuous years of Morrison, quickly established him is to remember the man; a man red wine remain in our hearts and let him go in 1986, to a readership integration and growth.” as a leading fi gure. More than who marched in London in protest minds today. We shall miss his ded- at Oxford, where Donald provid- But Donald’s’ fi rst love was not three decades later he was still against the war in Iraq and vowed ication, his concern for us all, his ed the intellectual leadership for administrative detail or dead- writing with great insight and that Tony Blair would never push inspiration and his imagination. a new partnership school-based lines. Donald was a man of ideas, lucidity. Recent contributions him out of the Labour party. To Donald, all things were pos- model of teacher training and contributing to the development have included co-authored books Donald was a man of great intel- sible and so much was achieved. education, the Oxford Internship, of ideas and policy which were to on learning from and with teach- lect, an exceptionally generous Education is much the poorer which was highly infl uential in shape teacher education in Brit- ers, improving learning through thinker, a humble scholar; a man for his loss; he was the best and transforming initial teacher edu- ain and beyond, an inspirational consulting pupils, learning with- who continued through the fi ction he will be greatly missed by his cation in England in the closing thinker who represented all that out limits and developing school- of retirement to offer insightful friends, colleagues and particu- years of the twentieth century. was good and worthwhile about university partnerships on educa- and empathetic support to educa- larly by his family, his wife Anne, In 1996, Donald joined the Cam- being an academic in education. tional research (SUPER). He also tion departments in universities their children Jane, Andrew, and bridge Department of Education as Before coming to Cambridge with recently completed a major study through the UK, a critical friend Neil, and his grandchildren. Research opens up people visited our website on Ireland’s bloody history 15,000 one day last week.

Hannah Gousy He expressed a hope that the transcriptions would provide a much A research team led by Cambridge more reliable foundation for the way University are digitalising eyewit- in which the story is told in schools, ness accounts of the alleged “massa- colleges and in popular histories. cres” of the Irish Catholic uprising In addition, the team believe that in 1641, an event which is closely re- the authors of the majority of the lated to much of the recent confl ict depositions were women, giving the in Ireland. material the potential to uncover the The project, which was an- “female voice for this period”. nounced on Tuesday to coincide The testimonies are housed in the with the anniversary of the rebel- library of Trinity College, Dublin, lion, will make publicly available and have received little academic at- the testimonies of 3,400 people who tention until recently. But since the lived through the violence. Good Friday Agreement in 1998, Could you be It is hoped that the data holds there has been far more opportunity the key to providing an accurate for collaborative funding for similar description of the bloody events projects from both UK and Irish Re- that triggered centuries of sectar- search councils. Online Editor? ian divide. The testimonies will be available Professor John Morrill, who is for public access within the next To apply for the post of chairing the team, told Varsity three years. In the meantime Cam- that the rebellion was “the key mo- bridge undergraduates will play an online editor email ment in the cycle of violence that important role in road-testing the [email protected] produced the modern problems” viewing software. between Ireland’s Protestant and Students taking the Professor Catholic communities. But he was Morrill’s course on the Irish Rebel- keen to stress that “there are so lions, taught as a special subject many malign myths about what in the Historical Tripos, will gain happened, that we want to exor- exclusive access to the material as e Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 cise memory.” soon as it becomes available. Something to say? Friday October 26 2007 8 EDITORIAL&LETTERS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Letters to the editor [email protected]

Established in 1947 Issue No 663 Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF View from the Ill- intentionally offensive. It isn’t 5th Varsity issue of the term). Telephone: 01223 337575 Fax: 01223 760949 informed Gods meant to be drunken or inten- Articles promised in the paper to Guy Stagg’s lazy remark about tionally offensive. It’s meant to be online haven’t appeared and Complicité (“View From The be funny, and drunk, intentional- theatre reviews haven’t been Gods”, 19th October), cannot go ly offensive people aren’t funny. replaced since the summer. Just Education plc. unchallenged: Complicité was While we’re on not funny, thought I would point that out the first Lecoq-trained company wazzing into a wine-bottle is incase it had not been noticed by The new diplomas will be criticised. In spite of Ed Balls’ as- to achieve popular and critical definitely in the unamusing circle the editorial team. If you don’t surances to the contrary, they fl y in the face of a system which success in the UK with its unique on the Venn diagram. read the online version, why self-devised productions. Since Yours, would you expect the readers to? has attempted to use the same methods of teaching for all chil- Emma Woolerton Elizabeth Graham, Queens’ 1983, Complicité has toured dren, and which has favoured traditional and “academically College rigorous” subjects over the vocational options which the new An earnest plea qualifi cation offers. I am concerned with the qual- A Preconceived But the main problem is the government’s decision to cre- ity of features this term in Prejudice? ate an “educational market-place” where qualifi cations com- Varsity. Last week’s spread on It’s always hard to complain pete with one another for popularity with students and em- Cambridge’s worst buildings about theatre critics without ployers. This choice refl ects a worrying and ever-increasing looked like it had been pulled someone accusing you of being from a Cambridge version of bitter; Varsity reviewers are trend in politics for every aspect of society to be understood Heat magazine - the layout was within the framework of a business model. The government internationally and won awards quite right to print their honest all over the world. To call this ghastly and some of the choices opinion of student theatre, and views education as a means by which the working popula- ground-breaking company’s work of buildings were not ‘ironic’ or no one would deny that. How- tion of the future can be tailored to the needs of employers. “cashing-in on the cool factor” is whatever the aim was, but just ever, because I was not actually But the most employable students will always be those who not merely sixth form cynicism, plain ridiculous i.e Kings College involved in the play myself, I have been taught how to think at a high level and apply their but, more disappointingly, shows chapel. would like to say two things its Cambridge-educated author There also seems to be a trend about Varsity’s review of The knowledge in new situations, not those who are simply well at present towards the vindic- versed in how industries, such as retail or tourism, work. to be ludicrously ill-informed. Tale of Lancelot Sebastian von “Sophie” tive: pitching college against Ludendorff, without making When set in an academic arena alongside A-Level, Inter- college, subject against sub- unhelpful comments about the national Baccalaureate, and the new Pre-U, a qualifi cation Thomas, Coker, and ject, building against building. contents of the review. Firstly, it designed with “vocation” in mind will never be able to com- Wazzing into Wine Varsity features used to be filled was a shame that Varsity could mand the same respect. with relevant, insightful and not have found a more appropri- Bottles yes, sometimes earnest pieces. ate reviewer than one who was The division of secondary education will have consequences Fascinating article by Bob which reach beyond the academic and into the social stream- Earnest doesn’t have to mean heard saying loudly in the ADC Thomas about Tom Coker and boring. At the moment much of foyer before the show that she ing of schoolchildren. The Pre-U is being piloted in the pri- Magpie and Stump. A few points the features section is looking had no interest in seeing this vate sector, with Winchester College planning to introduce of information: like incredibly tabloid [sic] and kind of play at all. Secondly, I the qualifi cation imminently, a move which will probably be I was one of the performers there are certain aspects which very much hope that the frustra- followed by many more public schools. Meanwhile, the more that evening, and didn’t find look suspiciously like ones found tion the reviewer felt when her ‘TC’s behaviour funny at all. I regularly in other newspapers i.e complementary tickets were not vocational diploma is likely to end up as the preserve of those felt embarrassed for him, and with less traditional educational backgrounds, and is less likely the social stereotypes annotated at the box office (which was evi- very sorry for the speakers he picture and the ‘going up, going dent to all of us because of how to be seized upon by the independent sector. It will be daunting kept interrupting, one of whom down’ piece which is hardly inno- rude she was to every member of enough for secondary school students to be faced with a choice couldn’t get any momentum vative. Oh, and just so you know the Front of House staff) did not between A-levels, Pre-U exams, diplomas and IB. To have one going at all as a result. Indeed, articles always don’t have to be affect her review. or more of these options held tantalisingly out of reach would ‘BT’s claim that Tom’s behaviour sarcastic, cynical and vindictive Yours, be worse. If different examination systems become associat- was ‘of periphery interest’ to to impress readers. Sometimes Katherine McDonald the evening is a false one – Tom they are impressed by passionate Secretary, Pembroke Players ed with different types of schooling we risk fi nding ourselves was pretty determined to be the and skillful writing alone. Too of- with a burden very similar to that of the failed and unloved centre of attention throughout – ten student journalism falls into secondary modern system. A confused generation of school- that’s why he kept interrupting this trap but Varsity in the past children will be forced to choose not only between subjects but people (for the record, he inter- two years has always avoided between different examination systems which have different rupted me on fewer occasions this until now. Letter of the week will receive a names, are marked according to different scales, and, crucially, than the other speakers). Also, the online Varsity doesn’t bottle of wine from our friends at When I ran Magpie and Stump, seem to have gotten itself up and Cambridge Wine Merchants will inevitably be ascribed different values. in 2000-01, it wasn’t drunken or The frightening prospect is not modernisation but segrega- running yet (despite this being tion. An educational market place would be deeply damaging for students and employers alike. Allowing forces of competition to determine what students study is foolish and short-sighted. Long before they reach the age of current GCSE students, di- confess ploma candidates will be channelled into a separate educational to stream. This is not just a case of students being trained up for future employers, but of life-determining decisions made far too soon, the engineering of careers from an early age.

Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies to every Cambridge college and to ARU each week. e

Editors Lizzie Mitchell and Elliot Ross [email protected] Associate Editor Lowri Jenkins associate@ varsity.co.uk Chief News Editors Katherine Faulkner, Katy Lee and Camilla Temple news@varsity. co.uk Comment Editor Tom Bird [email protected] Features Editor Ed Cumming features@ sho varsity.co.uk Arts Editor George Grist [email protected] Interviews Editor Jossie Clayton interviews@ varsity.co.uk Chief Sport Editors Simon Allen and George Towers [email protected] Senior News Reporter Emma Inkester [email protected] Letters Editor Jo Trigg letters@varsity. co.uk Science Editors James Shepherd and Hannah Price [email protected] Fashion Editors Iona f y Carter, Emma Draper and Francesca Perry [email protected] Visual Arts Editor Sam Ensor- Rose [email protected] Theatre Editor Orlando Reade [email protected] Literature Editor Orlando Reade [email protected] Chief Music & Listings Editors Joshua Farrington and Verity Simpson [email protected], [email protected] Classical Editor Toby Chadd classical@varsity. co.uk Sports Editor Noel Cochrane [email protected] Chief Subeditor Dylan Spencer-Davidson [email protected] Chief Photo Editor Lizzie Robinson [email protected] Chief Photographers Richard Gardner, Debbie Scanlan, Chris Thwaite [email protected] Online Editor [email protected] Online Team [email protected] Technical Director Chris Wright [email protected] Business & Advertising Manager Michael Derringer [email protected] Company Secretary Patricia Dalby [email protected] Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof Peter Robinson, Tom Walters, Amy Goodwin (Varsoc President), Chris Wright, Michael Derringer, Joe Gosden, Lizzie Mitchell, Elliot Ross

NEWSPAPERS Varsity Publications, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, SUPPORT Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity Anything to declare? Sniffed RECYCLING is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also Recycled paper made some scandal? up 80.6% of the raw publishes BlueSci, The Cambridge Globalist and The Mays. ©2007 material for UK newspapers in 2006 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication Post your secrets to us or NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any RECYCLING form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without email [email protected] prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Mortons Print Ltd — Newspaper House, Morton Way, All submissions remain Horncastle, Lincolnshire LN9 6JR. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Offi ce. totally anonymous Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] ROSTRUM 9 Sex differences in mind

Last week Simon Baron-Cohen provoked much controversy after declaring that the female mind is not suited to science. Here he defends his fi ndings. But while it is possible to discern trends in the sexes, he says there can be no excuse for prejudice.

he fi eld of sex differences cally signifi cant magnitude have zontal, as is correct. mobile, and more newborn girls in psychology in the 1960s been found. On average, girls The gender differences demand spontaneously look for longer at and ‘70s was so confl ict- show more concern for fairness, an explanation. One-year-old a human face, suggests biology ridden as to make an open- while boys share less. In one boys strongly prefer to watch plays one part in leading to this Tminded debate about any possible study, conducted by Charles- a video of cars going past, an ‘bias’ in attention to things rather role of biology contributing to worth and Dzur, boys showed example of predictable mechani- than emotions (in boys) and vice psychological sex differences fi fty times greater competition cal systems, than to watch a film versa (in girls). But this is not impossible. Those who explored than their female counterparts, showing a human face. Little to minimize the major role that the role of biology – even while and girls showed twenty times girls show the opposite prefer- culture also plays in amplifying acknowledging the importance greater turn taking. Other stud- ence. Some investigators argue such partly innate differences as of culture – found themselves ies have found that boys prefer that, even by this age, socializa- the child grows up. accused of defending an essential- rough and tumble; that girls from tion may have caused these sex There is a need to separate the ism that perpetuated inequalities the age of one year show greater differences. Although evidence scientifi c question (“Are there between the sexes, and of oppres- concern for others through sad exists for differential socializa- sex differences in mind?”) from sion. This was no climate in which looks, sympathetic vocalizations, tion contributing to sex differ- the social policy agenda (“How scientists can ask questions about and comforting; and that women ences, this is unlikely to be a can we achieve equal representa- mechanisms in nature. are better at decoding nonverbal sufficient explanation. Connel- tion of women in science, or in Today, the pendulum has set- communication. Women score lan and colleagues showed that any fi eld?”). This is because they tled sensibly in the middle of higher than men on question- among one-day-old babies, boys can be considered separately. If the nature-nurture debate, and naires designed to measure look longer at a mechanical mo- we want a particular fi eld to have scientists who care deeply about emphatic response. Perhaps bile, which is a system with pre- an equal representation of men ending inequality and oppres- the ultimate example of a lack dictable laws of motion, than at and women, which may be ethi- sion can at the same time talk of empathy is murder. Daly and a person’s face, an object that is cally desirable in terms of equal- freely about biological differences Wilson analysed homicide records next to impossible to systemize. ity of opportunity, equality of between the average male and dating back over seven-hundred One-day-old girls show the oppo- status, equality of income, or en- female brain and mind. These years. They found that “male- site profile. These sex differences suring balance in the work-place, differences are subtle and are to on-male” homicide was thirty to are therefore present very early then we need to put in place so- do with the relative proportions forty times more frequent than in life. This raises the possibility cial policies that will bring about of different drives in the typical “female-on-female” homicide. that, while culture and socializa- that outcome. In other fi elds, it male and female mind. And the evidence for the tion may partly determine the will not be necessary to inter- The fi eld of sex differences in systematizing male? The rel- development of a male brain with vene with policy. Medicine is a mind needs to proceed in a fashion evant domains to explore include a stronger interest in systems or good example of a science where that is sensitive to this history any fi elds that are in principle a female brain with a stronger female applicants now outnumber of confl ict by cautiously looking rule-governed. Thus, chess and interest in empathy, biology may male ones, probably because it at the evidence and being care- also partly determine this. is a science that favours a brain ful not to overstate what can be with good systemizing together concluded. As we will see, the hat are the implica- with good empathy; this brain data actually requires us to look “Scientists who tions of such re- type is actually more common at each individual on their own search for our view among females. But mathematics merits, as individuals may or may care deeply about of women in science? and physics may have little or no not be typical for their sex. WThis research suggests we should role for empathy, and so favour a Systemizing is our most power- ending inequality not expect that the sex ratio in highly systematizing brain, more ful way of understanding and occupations such as maths or common in males. predicting the law-governed inani- and oppression physics to ever be fi fty-fi fty, if we The research teaches us that mate universe. Empathizing is our can at the same leave the work place to simply there is no scientifi c justifi cation most powerful way to understand refl ect the numbers of applicants for stereotyping, since none of the and predict the social world. time talk freely of each sex who are drawn to studies allow one to predict an Ultimately, empathizing and such fi elds. The assumption here individual’s aptitudes or interests systemizing depend on separate, about biological is that just as if you leave toys on the basis of their sex. This is independent regions in the human out on the carpet and fi lm if boys because – at risk of repetition brain.Systemizing and empathiz- differences between and girls spontaneously choose – they only capture differences ing are two key dimensions that the sexes.” to play with the same or differ- between groups on average. Indi- defi ne the male and female brain. ent toys, you fi nd that more boys viduals are just that – they may We all have both systemizing and play with the toys that involve be typical or atypical for their empathizing skills. systemizing (constructional or group (in this case, their sex). The This essay concerns itself pri- football are good examples of sys- mechanical toys, for example) and applicant for the job in your sci- marily with those on the extreme tems, but faces and conversations more girls play with the toys that ence department may be a woman male brain end of the spectrum. are not. So Jennings fi nds that involve empathizing (caring for with a more typically “male” Individuals who have this psy- boys are more interested than dolls, say). brain, or may be a man with a chological profi le may be talented girls in toy vehicles, weapons, So it might be that we will more typically “female” brain. systemizers, but they are often, building blocks, and mechanical always see more males spontane- Which means that to prejudge an at the same time, “mind-blind”. toys. Meanwhile, some occupa- ously choosing to apply to work individual on the basis of their sex The evidence reviewed here tions are almost entirely male. in fi elds that involve systemizing is, as the word “prejudge” sug- suggests that not all men have These include metalworking, (science, engineering, auto- gests, mere prejudice. We need to the male brain and not all women weapon making, and boat build- mechanics, etc) and more females look at applicants on the basis of have the female brain. Expressed ing. The focus of these jobs is on spontaneously choosing to work who they are as individuals, not differently, some women have the creating systems. On average, in fi elds that involve empathy on the basis of their sex, when male brain, and some men have men score higher than women (telephone help lines for those judging their aptitude. the female brain. My central claim in an assembly tasks; they have with mental health crises, such as here is only that more males than superior motoric skills (throwing the Samaritans). Simon Baron-Cohen is Professor of females have a highly systematiz- and catching a ball); and men are Of course, the question of how Developmental Psychopathology at ing, and more females than males better at map-reading. The Swiss one determines if a person’s the University of Cambridge and have a highly empathizing brain – child psychologist Jean Piaget choice is “spontaneous” or de- Fellow at Trinity College, Cam- that is, their empathy is stronger devised a task involving a bottle termined by cultural or biologi- bridge. He is Director of the Autism than their systematizing. that is tipped at an angle. Indi- cal factors is extremely hard to Research Centre (ARC) in Cam- What is the evidence for female viduals are asked to predict the pin down. The study of newborn bridge. He is author of The Essen- superiority in empathizing? Stud- water level. Women more often babies which found that more tial Difference: Men, Women and ies consistently show that sex draw the water level aligned with newborn boys spontaneously the Extreme Male Brain (Penguin differences of a small but statisti- the tilt of the bottle and not hori- look for longer at a mechanical JAMES SHEDDEN UK/Basic Books, 2003) Comment editor: Tom Bird Friday October 26 2007 10 COMMENT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/comment

Lowri Jenkins A broader issue Obesity is not just a matter for the health service

Although it’s rather diffi cult to deny f you’ve been watching or read- and balloons vaguely from there. advised for years. Finding the “an- ness has become habitual. More kids climate change and still be taken ing the news lately, you might It is this blurred association with swer” to obesity isn’t the problem: play computer games than football; seriously (even the Pentagon came have noticed that, alongside words like “fat”, “overweight” and it’s the unacknowledged obstacles to most children half my age know around to the idea in 2004), the terrorism and the retch-worthy the structures of image-conscious- lightening the load that we have to twice as much as I do about technol- Right still has one more argument Iprospect of David Cameron being ness which allow us to overlook the worry about. ogy. I can’t even fi nd the voicemail up its sleeve. As per, it’s wrong. regarded as a serious politician, the fact that obesity means debilitating With this in mind, the problem is function on my mobile. And not “mistake” wrong, but “lie” media has been full of health experts health risks as well as NHS time and not, as so many fattists might claim, We live at a time when the ap- wrong. Right-wingers look at the and MPs chewing the fat over the money. Obesity is a medical condi- wholly a result of laziness on the part pliances we buy are more essential solutions proposed by environ- issue of child obesity. It is an issue tion with a social cause, and because of the consumer. It also points to a than the job they are supposed to do; mentalists to the threat of climate which, despite innumerable tabloid of this we don’t know how to qualify laziness which is socially encrypted obesity is one symptom of the excess change (i.e. the wholesale reorgani- columns and glossy magazines dedi- it. Say “diabetes” and people might in modern Britain. We live in a soci- of easy-cook, easy-clean, easy-clear sation of industry with the aim of a cated to super-skinny celebrities or look up in concern: say “obesity” and ety where we are invited to be lazy. attitudes and products which have 90% greenhouse emissions cut by stars with cellulite, is usually swept they’ll probably mutter something Given the choice, it seems that most become endemic to our culture. As 2030) and blanche. “A plan for the under the media carpet. And will it about who ate all the pies. people would rather pop a plastic we become naturalised to living life economy?” they cry, “That way mad- ever seriously change? Fat chance. with so many accessories, we stop ness lies!” Submitting the economy A recent government-backed thinking of them as superfl uous, and to a scientifi c plan, to political ends, study into the problem predicts that begin to see them as vital. sounds like dictatorship. We can, the majority of Britons will be obese This easiness for easiness’ sake they protest, save the planet without by 2050. As much as I fi nd it diffi cult approaches the perverse: isn’t there resorting to totalitarianism; we can to believe that within the next fi fty something paradoxical about the put our trust in the unconstrained, years we are going to turn into a Nintendo Wii – a games console democratic market to refl ect human- nation of fat girls/boys and their which makes you physically simulate ity’s new needs and desires. None of feeders, there are serious health the sport that’s depicted simultane- this planning nonsense. and social implications which we are ously onscreen? If you’re going to This old lie, that the market is reluctant to address. make the effort to sweat like a moron somehow “free”, unconstrained or It seems as if British society fi nds in your living room, what’s wrong at all unplanned serves to occlude it diffi cult to conceive of obesity as with taking the next big step and the infl uence that business interests a medical problem because instinc- actually, I don’t know, playing the have over political life. The economy tively we associate it with just being game itself. At least in the real thing is subject to a great degree of plan- “fat”, a tricky notion that exists in a you don’t look like a pixellated mem- ning: by governments, state banks purely social realm, on playgrounds, ber of the Sylvanian family wielding and supranational organisations. in magazines, as an insult or as a golf club. The basis for this careful administra- self-deprecation. “Fat” as much as In saying this, I am not “de- tion of the market’s chaos is just as “skinny”, is something which people fending” obesity in any way; it is ideological as was that of the Stalin- joke about, which the media slaver LAUREN HILL a problem that straddles the line over, which is championed or pillo- between medical issue and social ried. Above all, it is a term attached Undoubtedly, becoming so tray of indiscriminate shmush into disease. It simply needs to be viewed to body-image and self-esteem. overweight that movement and a microwave for two minutes than in a broader context. If the govern- “A plan for the But there is a big difference breathing is the fault of the eater and use identifi able foodstuffs to make a ment, the NHS, and the people of between being clinically obese and no one else. But it is too late to just meal. this country don’t acknowledge that economy?” they cry, being overweight. Obesity is a warn against the actions that lead to This warped laziness extends into in the case of obesity inextricably the that way madness medical condition with serious health the obesity epidemic – it’s here, it’s our approach to childcare as well. It social and the medical are inextrica- implications: however, in the minds happened, it’s happening. Encour- is easier to plonk kids in front of the bly linked, we will continue to shift lies!” of most of us Britons, it sits on a slid- aging people to eat more healthily TV than take them out to the park responsibility between the two: and ing scale which begins at “chubby” and take regular exercise has been every now and then; but this easi- once again, take the easy option out. ist economies. Witness, for example, the central banks’ response to the recent fi nancial crisis. The liquid- ity crisis was the inevitable result Lindsey of the aggressive, risky behaviour We’re not animals of the gang of jackals that makes Kennedy up Western fi nance, followed to its logical conclusion. The breakneck Campaigners were wrong to target breast cancer charity games played on the stock trading fl oor are matters of life and death for millions of wage-earners across the world – but the Bank of England is ast week, a Cambridge ani- unemployed tree-huggers with a fa- lack of moral understanding should ment, attacking a charity whose aim there to make sure that capitalism mal rights group launched natical attitude and nothing better not make animals exempt from is to alleviate suffering in accord- can gamble to its heart’s content and a leafl eting campaign to do, the Animal Liberation Front moral consideration. ance with government guidelines not undermine its own stability. against a production of is far better known for digging up These speculations have fi ltered is unhelpful, and unlikely to attract It’s not a question of whether or LLes Mamelles de Tirésias, and tore dead grannies and sending death gradually into the public conscious- much support. Perhaps a more logi- not we organise the economy to a down publicity posters, replacing threats to milkmen than it is for the ness. The anti-fur advertising cal target for protest might have political end. It’s a question of to them with anti-cruelty stickers. It utilitarian principles upon which it campaign in the ‘90s, featuring been, say, cosmetics companies such which political end we organise it. is not unusual to hear of a play be- was based. As a result, the organi- supermodels including Kate Moss as Rimmel or Maybelline, two of It’s not a question of whether we ing protested against due to infl am- sation, and everything it stands for, and Naomi Campbell, proved enor- the few remaining multinationals to control the economy. It’s a question matory content – in recent years, has become something of a joke, mously infl uential, as have cruelty- test on animals. of who controls it. At the moment, Jerry Springer: The Opera and while attempts at rational justifi ca- free brands such as Body Shop and For someone who endorses the government and industry are in the Gurpreet Kaur Bhatti’s Behzti have tion tend to be ill-received by the Lush. Fox hunting is now banned, arguments, but not the actions, this hands of a ravenous pack of bandit each incurred the wrath of religious non-dreadlocked majority. vegetarianism is increasingly popu- is all intensely frustrating. As it bosses, who simply cannot act but in organisations. But Les Mamelles de This is unfortunate, as the place lar, Waitrose use only free range stands, debates connected to animal pursuit of profi t: witness the govern- Tirésias is a comic opera, with no of animals in ethics has long been eggs, and a reasonable proportion rights normally descend with pre- ment’s absurd plans for airport ex- overt political or religious leanings, deemed worthy of consideration. of restaurants comprehend the dictable alacrity into me resisting pansion, which, although extremely and the production planned to give The RSPCA was set up back in term “vegan” without the use of a the urge to drown myself in my lucrative, will make it impossible to all proceeds to an established char- 1824 to prevent farm cruelty, whilst culinary dictionary. Essentially, the soya milk whilst the other person meet the government’s own targets ity. The objection, then, came as Bentham and Mill advocated the problem faced by activists is less makes witty comments about the for emission cuts. something of a surprise. The issue, legal, as well as philosophical, rec- that their ideas are particularly comparative feelings of carrots, It has been the case for over a however, was not with the content, ognition of animal suffering, which bizarre than that these tend to be and/or tries to coerce me into eating century that society’s needs would but with the production team’s obscured by the aggressive (and some chicken (which, incidentally, be better served by a democratic altruistic endeavours. ineffectual) tactics employed by I can’t help thinking is about as model for industry – rather than the Now, I’m a fervent advocator peripheral extremist factions. appropriate as waving your genitals desperate chaos of economic activity of freedom of speech and peaceful “grubby, Just as the hysterical terror- at a nun and asking, “But how regulated by the self-interest of a protest. I’m also a staunch support- ism of the Suffragettes did more do you know, if you haven’t tried class of gamblers, production should er of animal rights. But sabotaging unemployed tree- harm than good to their cause, it?”). Serious discussion is diffi cult be subordinated to a democrati- a small-scale student production on huggers” the ALF’s approach threatens to enough without the most prominent cally arrived-at plan, drawn up by the grounds that it had chosen to alienate supporters and hinder any representatives of the animal rights those who do the producing. Climate donate to Breast Cancer Research, progression in their favour. Their movement systematically destroy- change sets this in starker terms. which experiments on animals, interference with Les Mamelles de ing their own credibility at every Either we scrap the market as the seems to me somewhat excessive – Peter Singer expands, claiming that Tirésias is just another example of opportunity. Resorting to intimi- principle around which the economy and misguided. “all the arguments to prove man’s the dismal lack of forward thinking dation and shock-factor publicity is organised, and break the bosses’ Animal Rights Protesters have superiority cannot shatter this hard which characterises these protests. stunts undermines animal rights, hold over government, or runaway a horrendously bad public image. fact: in suffering, the animals are Leafl eting against vivisection is embarrasses would-be sympathis- climate change destroys everything Almost invariably presented by our equals”. As in the case of in- one thing, but as medical testing on ers, and does very little to serve we have built. the mainstream media as grubby, fants or the mentally handicapped, animals is currently a legal require- their purpose. Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] COMMENT 11

I really don’t like libraries. In fact, I would struggle to like them less if I were dyslexic, blind and riddled with haemorrhoids. But a library is where desperation has driven me as I seek to resolve my idle predicament of two overdue essays and a looming Varsity deadline. Feeling about as mentally agile as a Neanderthal Philistine on an Omega-3-deprived diet, I have so far achieved little more than the panicked realisation that even if I changed my fi rst and second names to Schlieffen, I would be unlikely to come up with a suf- fi ciently evasive plan of attack. And it would waste time. Not handing in the work, of course, is the easy part. The skill is in the accompanying excuse. Happily, I have a lovingly-honed repertoire so exhaustive that I’m torn between releasing it as a stu- dent self-help manual, preceded by a plagiarised chapter on how to boil an egg, and recording it for a ‘great- est bullshits’ album, perhaps with a smiling image of Boris Johnson protruding from the rump of an aggressive-looking cow on the cover. Yet where, euphemistically speaking, the faeces really makes contact with the fan, is in the supervision itself, as increasingly furtive glances confi rm that your watch has stubbornly ground to a Asad halt with 52 minutes to go. Mean- Kiyani while, academia’s fl atulent response Elementary, my dear Watson to Yoda is scrutinising you noise- lessly, sparking the realisation that nodding earnestly whilst staring Even objectionable views have the right to be aired vacantly at his artfully unkempt beard is not only giving you a head- ache, but has also ceased to be an adequate riposte to his ramblings. A seasoned bluffer always has an escape route prepared. n 1962, James Watson won a Nobel Prize. deny him the opportunity to speak is incredu- is eventually defeated by the festering suspi- In terms of time consumption, In 2000, he argued a link between exposure lous. Those who would erase his right to make cion, resentment and likely equally detestable never underestimate acting as to sunlight and sexual libido. In a series of repugnant statements are as misguided as they views of that same person’s supporters. A though your morning coffee was opinions scattered before and after that believe Watson to be. The fact that he is a Nobel campaign to silence, as opposed to a campaign spiked with verbal laxative. It is a Ilecture, he has advocated genetic screening, say- winner gives him no privilege in this regard, es- to intellectually confront, is simply counterpro- technique that requires tautological ing women should have the right to abort fetuses pecially as the current state of science suggests ductive. Ultimately, enforced censorship only talent and synonym-rich circumlo- on the basis of sexual orientation; that a fetus he is simply wrong. However, the fact that some leads to deifi cation by martyrdom. cution worthy of legal qualifi cation that has the gene for Tay-Sachs disease should actually support his proto-eugenics and race- for unconditional parrot return. be aborted; and, that he would have aborted based arguments (even though Watson later said Logically, if you never stop talking, his own son had he known Rufus would grow he was “mortifi ed” by his racial comments) is of the supervisor will never pose up to have severe schizophrenia. Last week, in much greater consequence. This alone demands “Merely engaging in the trying questions. Yet perhaps an interview with the Sunday Times Magazine, that he be allowed to speak, if only so others can the converse is more potent: the Watson said he is, “inherently gloomy about the thoroughly rebut what he has to say. debate does not legitimate taciturnity gambit. Adopting the prospect of Africa [because] all our social policies Notwithstanding Watson’s absence, the issue most mournful El Greco expression are based on the fact that their intelligence is the remains alive, as two other Oxbridge contro- controversial ideas.” possible, the aim is to conclude the same as ours – whereas all the testing says not versies coincided with his comments last week. really”. In the interview, conducted by a former Cambridge Professor Simon Baron-Cohen protégé, Watson later says he hopes this is not suggested that women’s brains are less suited the case, but notes, “people who have to deal for scientifi c study, and the Oxford Union let slip Merely engaging in the debate or even provid- “academia’s fl atulent with black employees fi nd this not true”. that it was extending invitations to Holocaust- ing a venue for it does not legitimate or imply response to Yoda” Watson’s comments have led to the cancel- denier David Irving and British National Party acquiescence to controversial ideas. The debate lation of a number of his engagements in the leader Nick Griffi n. Baron-Cohen’s comments is just a forum for the complete, precise dissec- were immediately condemned in both Varsity tion of those ideas without resort to emotion, and the wider university community. Meanwhile, political correctness or romantic ideals of things hour having uttered fewer words the announcement of the Oxford list prompted we hope to be true. This is not to re-victimize than the supervisor has letters “Calls for censure are fl awed outpourings of protest, calls for the invitations those who feel wronged by what others have to after his name. A vigorous shake to be withdrawn, and warnings that permitting say. Nor is it to deny the pain, frustration and an- of the head, deep sigh and detailed and counterproductive.” the speeches would be a “black mark” on the ger that has been caused. Rather, it is to provide inspection of footwear should be Union. Putting aside the pejorative connotation an alternate, more constructive way of dealing reserved for when heavily pressed. so casually associated with the word “black”, with the perceived offences. Arguably the boldest blag short those protesters who would prevent the Oxford Using rational argument also avoids the prob- of a feigned epileptic fi t is the United Kingdom, and he has been suspended or Cambridge Unions from hosting those con- lem of having to defi ne what is objectionable. timely deployment of a suffi ciently from his duties as chancellor of the Cold Spring troversial speakers are as off base as several of Instead of playing at thought-police and relying outrageous statement to knock Harbor Laboratory in New York. He has since Watson’s former hosts-to-be. on the vagaries of moral righteousness, people the supervisor fully off his stride abandoned the tour planned for the release of No matter how disagreeable their state- can act as independent, rational creatures. Well- – something he thinks is untrue, his new book, and has returned home. ments may be, denying others the right to reasoned arguments can still be moral, but carry but, on refl ection, is not quite sure Watson’s decision to withdraw from the speak is fundamentally fl awed, and doubly so the added bonus of stripping away the intellec- about. Examples include: “obvi- limelight saved the Union from any awkward at a university. The cliches about higher educa- tual fallacies of objectionable theories. ously, Gladstone’s attitude to the decisions on whether or not to cancel an appear- tion’s commitment to free expression, vigorous The respective statements of Baron-Cohen, Irish Question was infl uenced by his ance by the scientist scheduled for this past debate and exploring new and controversial Watson, Irving and Griffi n may or may not war- secret conversion to Islam in 1882,” Tuesday. Yet as objectionable as any or all of ideas have been repeated ad nauseam, but rant some sanction, but enforced silence is not or, “it is remarkable, isn’t it, how these statements might be, Watson was well sadly so have the cliched arguments about one of them. Save where the speech is a call for computer profi ling is able to show within his rights each and every time he spoke, denying the right to speak. A protester who violence, the only acceptable form of muting is that the later works of Camus were and calls for his censure are fl awed and counter- prevents a debate by denying someone the self-censorship. The best form of self-censorship probably written by Sartre?” productive. right to speak is no better than a speaker who is the silence that results not from the use of a No need actually – now I come to That Watson made such outrageous comments bypasses the debate by calling for violence. muzzle, but from the categorical refutation of think of it it, I feel a bout of fresh- is hardly surprising; that others would therefore The temporary relief of silencing an individual objectionable statements. ers’ fl u coming on.

Friday October 26 2007 varsity.co.uk

THE YOUNG KNIVES Varsity meets the trendy beat combo p24-25 FEATURESVIEW ARTS THEATRE FOOD MUSIC VISUAL ARTS FASHION LIFESTYLE LISTINGS

One Question e central issue O (R+S) Mathematical Enigma s not the making of a centre- parting in every way the Iembodiment of Hegel’s postula- tions on dialectics? The sweep to the left: proposition. The sweep to the right: antithesis. The resultant vibe: perfect synthesis, perfect symmetry. The centre- parting is the very pinnacle of the Newtonian ideal, the apoth- eosis of the ordered universe. And do not presume this cannot be proved by precept: for did not Einstein compromise this virtuous ideal with his so-called Relativity, and did not Einstein have a pretty surrealist barnet? But who are you, ignorant reader, to presume that mathe- matics is not beautiful? For who has seen an equilateral triangle (the centre-parting of the trian- gle world) and not wept? This highly contentious subject, fi rst set out by Leon Battista Alberti in ‘Of Haircuts’ (1411), concerns not only sartorial issues, but humanist doctrine, geometry and the meaning of life. In four hundred words, we will prove this remarkable factoid. A fact universally acknowl- edged is that a mathematician in search of a girlfriend must not have a centre-parting. Why then is Cambridge so ‘divided’ in this respect? Surely every self-respecting heterosexual is in search of a girlfriend? Wrong. There is a sacrifi ce to be made; for mathematics, for science, for beauty. For the centre-parting is surely the most symmetrical haircut possible, allowing for sev- eral fl icks above either ear. Let us not speak of the unspeakable; hair parted at the side displays a fundamental lack of concern for the decorous precepts of sartorial geometry. And in this debate we must ignore that recent phenom- enon known as the ‘skinhead’, for as we all know, the fountain of virtue does not spring from the pores of those of no hair whatso- NeoConscience ever (especially the bald). Fact: only infertile soil yields no crops. We must reconsider the head Douglas Murray is the Director of the Centre for Social Cohesion and has been in geometrical terms in order to understand the clandestine logic branded the ‘Michael Moore of the Right’. He told Sarah Stephen about the great of these controversial coiffeurs. The chord which transects the evils facing Britain, the West’s cultural supremacy and the importance of keeping centre of the circle is surely the most harmonious? The next Oxbridge ‘unspoilt’ time that you see a centre-part- ing cutting it’s way down King’s rior to meeting Douglas of Sauron. However, the adjec- skills certainly not a result of the sole criterion for entry to Parade do not gasp, do not ap- Murray, I asked some friends tives were a far cry from the debating at the Oxford Union, Oxbridge, believing that the plaud, do not prostrate yourself Ptheir impressions on the outspo- immaculately attired man I which he visited only once background of Oxbridge intake in front of this perfect and ken and controversial political found nursing a drink at Clare whilst reading English at Ox- has changed detrimentally in beautiful being, simply fashion journalist and author hailed as Cellars, recounting his ordeal ford. Although his past visits to the last few decades. “Oxbridge yourself an impromptu parting “the Right’s answer to Michael on the London underground Cambridge makes him disa- is… among the few institutions with your hands and several Moore”. “Evil”, “Neocon”, “hor- and at King’s Cross. But gree with the presumption of left in the country which have gulps of spittle and follow in the rible, horrible man”. neither was he the passionate ‘Cambridge types’ being more been unspoilt and need to be hope that one day the world will Accordingly, I anticipated orator seen on Question Time academic, he strongly supports be symmetrical. someone fi tting the requisites and Newsnight, his rhetorical academic excellence being Continues on next page Features Editor: Ed Cumming Friday October 26 2007 14 VIEWPoints [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features

NeoConscience... Continued from p13 guarded against social engi- equate it, with a culture which ian cause. I am in favour of neering, against being pulled allows everyone to live their life the rights of the Palestinian Statistic of the week apart from outside”. the way they want to live it”. people. I am in favour of the After securing a scholar- He perceives Western culture rights of the Israeli people. Badger Transport ship to sit his A-levels at Eton, as Judeo-Christian originated, [For] the Palestinianists that Murray spent a gap year writ- amalgamated with Greek phi- doesn’t happen: they are in ing Bosie: A biography of Lord losophy, thought and culture. favour of the rights of the Alfred Douglas, the otherwise He emphatically denies any Palestinian people and the undocumented history of Oscar link between social deprivation Israelis can go to hell…. But Wilde’s lover. The publica- and terrorism, pointing out, “If [Israel] also acts as a totem in tion of the biography during there were, then the poorest the Middle East among coun- his second year at Magdalen countries in Africa would be tries that want to wipe it out. marked him as the youngest growing out terrorists at a rate In my mind [it is]…a great published biographer. Murray of knots. But they are not. The symbol of the endurance of hu- had always maintained a keen biggest stateless population in man spirit against overwhelm- interest in politics, but was the world, the Kurdish people, ing odds”. unsure of his own allegiances have never resorted to the kind Referring to certain govern- until, on coming down from of barbarism being carried out ments as “regimes” and ha- Oxford in 2001, the attacks currently in the name of Is- bitually using “us” and “we” to on New York coupled with the lamic extremism”. It is a moot explain the military interven- murders of Dutch politician point, particularly considering tions in Afghanistan and Iraq, Pim Fontuyn and fi lm director the events of the last week. Theo van Gogh permanently Considering spirituality to be coloured his views. a matter of personal conviction, “I think it’s With neoconservatives criti- Murray is unhappy with the A more self-evidently true (don’t ask) slipped into a set. cised as ‘liberals mugged by present relationship between disgusting that statistic this week, in a rare The solution? Simple. Har- reality’, Murray confesses to Islam and other cultures, “The diversion from the slightly nessess. And loads of them, being a liberal by inclination, presumption is being given, you’d command more obscure ideas this column potentially even a whole cete. but one “mugged quite a few particularly in the West, that occasionally posits. The govern- “Cete” is really quite high up on only one group of people can women to spend ment announced this week that the list of all-time great collec- feel offence…I think that the it wants to cull badgers. Appar- tive nouns, although on balance “Ken Livingstone Christians have a right to say their lives hidden ently they are fi erce, disease- it is probably superceded by a that, “Actually we don’t like infested and surprisingly strong woop of gorillas, a journey of is one of the you saying that Christ was under a shroud!” for their size. It should be obvi- giraffes, a storytelling of ravens, only a prophet. We are not go- ous to even the most politically a business of ferrets and an greatest forces ing to burn anything. Watch us. Murray seems to genuinely sensitive reader that all three ostentation of peacocks. But it’s We are not going to burn down believe that military interven- of these attributes suggest a still pretty totally wicked. of evil in Great schools. We are not going to tion, when possible (apart from wonderfully effective career as But if we’re thinking econom- shoot anyone. We are not going practical restraints and limits), taxi-drivers. ics (which we ought), I reckon Britain... he has to massacre clerics of Islam, is the best solution for the However, it is here that the about 10 badgers would pull a like religious Christians who annihilation of terrorism and fi rst of our practical diffi culties solo chariot, and then you might done untold have been killed in the wake human rights contravention. arises - a single badger would need perhaps 15 if you were of the Pope’s comments. In my He reminds me that Zimba- be scarcely big enough to tow taking a lady (or in the case of damage” belief, we have to give out the bwean President Mugabe was a drunken anorexic, let alone poor LeBron, an ambulance with message pretty strongly that not expected to live for many a drunken rugby player, back a man). times by reality”. He says his we can feel offence too and we months, but “sadly he cer- to the college of their choice (or Just think of the advantages! outlook on the world is realis- take offence and offence isn’t a tainly does. He keeps on going Magdalene College, Cambridge) You wouldn’t have to tip them, tic, and that the world can be one way street”. on and rolling along”. And by after a night on the “razz”. And much, they could fi ght off pikies, made better. Murray fi nds the burkha a sheltering Osama Bin Laden, if they were feeling particularly they only work at night, and “I don’t believe in neo-con- “profoundly offensive” politi- the Taliban gave “us” no choice fi erce, they might maul, and they would happily stop by a servatism, it’s just that I am cal symbol with no Qu’ranic but to “take out the medieval, badger maulings are nothing if kebab shop. Carbon emissions one! It is not a set of doctrines, justifi cation. “I fi nd it disgust- barbaric regime”. not really quite unpleasant - an would be reduced, and the gov- it is just a way of looking at ing that men are assumed not On the other hand, Iraq was old schoolfriend of mine, LeBron, ernment wouldn’t have to worry the world…Neo-conservatism to be able to trust themselves the choice made when there was once rather savagely at- about all those pesky diseases. as such is simply an attitude enough, not to just see a wom- was an opportunity to deal tacked on a weekend mini-break You heard it here fi rst. which I might have identi- an and just rape her because with one more country. Judging to Malvern after his stiletto Adrian Dangerhands fi ed years before but which I you’ve seen her. And I think it’s the Iranian “regime” (“since came to late”. Describing the disgusting that you’d command 1979 the greatest backward theory and practice behind the women to spend their lives hid- force in the region”) to be a Profi le of the Week political philosophy in “Neo- manifest menace to Israel conservatism: Why We Need and the wider region, Murray You’ve put it online, we’ve taken it off It”, Murray argues power- “Actually we don’t explains that the best-case fully for its place in British scenario under the status quo politics. Though “not always like you saying would be a nuclear stand-off Preponderance feeling terribly Conservative” across the Middle East. Lucy (he voted for Labour at the that Christ was However, the problem of of rowing chat on Ealing-Southall by-election), international terrorism cannot he laughingly admits that only a prophet. be resolved until the “West” and Ward wall: governments are opportunists the world becomes less reliant 2nd Year English Student, Severe. wanting to stay in power – a We are not going on oil, the main oil producer be- Homerton College point he feels is exemplifi ed by ing the “barbaric…disgusting re- Labour’s ingenious espousal of to burn anything. gime [Saudi Arabia] which has Tory policies. been pumping oil and pumping Photo of egg- But he certainly doesn’t want Watch us. We are terrorism, pumping the tools to Friend count: his great “enemy”, Ken Liv- promote terrorism around the 529 sucking session, ingstone, returning to power, not going to burn world for decades now”. Despite vehemently declaring, “He is a war economy needing more possibly now one of the greatest forces of down schools” capital, Murray paradoxically evil in Great Britain…he has favours tax cuts and less state Is: regretted: done untold damage to Great den under a shroud!” intervention, blaming high taxa- Jade Jellykiss Britain…he has done untold He feels particularly that the tion as the reason for declining damage to our image abroad”. election of Hamas in Pales- philanthropy and believing Perhaps more controver- tine represents an appalling people to be “freer” when given sially, Murray, the Director of reversal of the peace process, the opportunity to spend their Disappointing the Centre for Social Cohesion, effectively terminating the hard-earned money. No points believes that all cultures are idea of a two-state solution: for guessing his views on the Favourite Quote: not equal, and warns against “As long as Hamas are the inheritance tax. Whilst talking about our partaking in such a “charade”: people in power, the Palestin- But what does the future Univesity emailing system... “That doesn’t mean that you ian people will not and should hold for this impassioned, “i spent the whole fi rst term have to condemn all cultures not get a state. There is no articulate and bold commenta- calling it Hermés” - Caroline that aren’t your own. A culture way that land can be ceded in tor? “I’ve no idea, I’m afraid. I ‘designer label’ Pennington. which gives women half the the West Bank to a terrorist wish I did. If 5 years ago, you rights of men cannot be said entity”. Convinced that the said that I’d be here I wouldn’t to be equal to contemporary West’s “democratic ally” Israel be sure. I certainly didn’t think Western culture, whatever deserves support, Murray I’d end up doing this. It’s al- Inappropriate wall faults the latter might have.” justifi es his pro-Israel views ways impossible to tell, but I’ve He continues: “A culture with a succinct assertion: given up predicting”. It is far post: which hangs young gay men “Anyone who is sensible is!” “I less certain than many of his “Which hand do you feather cannot be equated, and I won’t don’t understand the Palestin- other views. with?” - Louise Hainsworth Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWPoints 15

UndergraduaTelly is is You Mathmo Hero We watch TV, so you don’t have to.

Now there are few things fi n- or less the worst thing you can Pencil, diary, er in the world (except possibly do, and I once sneezed into a traffi c warden in mink) than an open grave. It is appalling. ‘(Chat)’ calculator, a good piece of nostalgia. We They’re puppets. Puppets. Ob- all do it from time to time. We viously. And the whole thing, Short-sleeved prophylactic reminisce about the olden days, which should in theory last think wistfully of jumpers for between fi ve and ten minutes shirt = (irony (solitary) goalposts (although that said in is somehow, almost mystically, our household, I’ll be honest, it contrived to take up the best free). Arms = was more often than not a Bar- part of an hour from your life. bour. Or my cousin Camilla’s It’s miraculously, terrifyingly (pallid) pashmina, which she used to bad, and it forces you to think leave for us to craft the illusion very, very hard about your Laptop, camping of immediate presence whilst childhood. Invented nostalgia she actually went to the swings ought to make you feel better gear, Sainsbury’s to smoke and fellate the local about yourself, but none of this toughs), Mother’s shepherd’s pie does. In reality it makes you basics peanuts, and vintage video games. wonder where the years went; But the absolute pits of nos- how much more you ought (With the Dan Brown talgia, rather unfortunately, to have practised the piano, seem to concern TV watch- how much more football you exception of book, sense of ing. I, in common with, quite should have played, how you literally, everybody (except for ought to have established good this oddly self worth ASNAC students, art histo- enough friends and enough rians, and all the other tired self-esteem that you didn’t developed- banter “stupid” subjects, etc) at feel oddly obliged to spend a Cambridge was in many ways sizeable chunk of your degree forearm) rather a nerdy child. And not in a cool, geek-chic way. Just a nerdy way. Incompetent I liked books. And homework. I was good at school. I was poor cycling style at sports. I was beaten up oc- casionally, particularly during the year between my stopping eating my own nails and discov- ering masturbation (Year 11, I think it was). I didn’t actually Long hours watch that much TV at all. And when I did, it most assuredly Buchanan: At large pondering cash- was almost none of the shows which everybody you speak to rich, socially here seems to yearn for with a course “bonding” with complete passion which verges (and then strangers over a shared child- desolate future infringes, if you happen to pick hood which neither of you ever your moment in Kambar) upon experienced. It’s a social deci- White socks + the erotic. sion right up there with such I’m referring, of course, to other highlights as:

black shoes + programmes like Thundercats, “Boy, I sure wish we could 55378008 Captain Planet, Thunderbirds, take over that Russia. Do you Stingray, Power Rangers, reckon we can knock it off Pinky and the Brain, Car- before winter?”. And my friend men Sandiego, Art Attack, Adrian’s decision to go com- (key joke) Funhouse and the whole mando the night a barman set humiliatingly miserable gamut fi re to his trousers in Leaming- = Romance Strategy of programmes which were ton Spa. a) ghastly to begin with, b) Get over yourselves, children. rarely watched and c) even We were all raised differently, more embarrassingly awful if and now we are, in our own you ever try to revisit them. I ways, each equally uncool. suspect that some of you have There can be nothing gained TOM WRIGHT just read the above list and felt from pretending we were all a small wave of fake nostalgia, somehow edgy children of some in which case (if you hadn’t sort of heroic era. We weren’t. Going Up Going Down already noticed) this column is Go and talk about Aeneas probably not for you. somewhere else, with some I mean has anybody ever other people, and let the rest of actually tried to watch an epi- us be. Obesity Peaches Geldof UK Population sode of Thunderbirds post-pu- Aarlarn Cole The fastest- Was going to come to Cam- berty? I think it must be more John Reicher is away growing sport bridge. Didn’t. Went to an This is, quite literally, true. in the UK, in MTV party instead. Jolly Though we’re not convinced some ways this sensible way to roll, if you that it quite warranted its never really ask us. ‘breaking news’ bulletin on went away the BBC website late on Wednesday night.

Britney: Fatter than before

England Bridge Street Library Fines Wilkinson is a weirdo, Ham- According to my friend: ilton is a choker, Is, quite literally, not big “The other day I got fi ned, and the pair of enough for buses, cyclists, and like, 50p, for handing two them can jog pedestrians to go down at the books in, like, a day late. It’s on merrily to same time. It is a matter of like, we’re students, yeah? If regular slot time before someone is fl ung I didn’t hand them in for a on A Question inadvertendly into a punt (or whole week, that would be of Sport. worse, Subway, or worse still, like £5, yeah? They’re crip- St. John’s) pling my degree” Richard Bacon: Vintage Hamilton: Chump Features Editor: Ed Cumming Friday October 26 2007 16 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features

Corpus Christi At Corpus during the seventeenth century, punishment for infractions were much more severe than merely being sent down. One Master, suspecting an unfortunate student of having an affair with his daughter, Elisabeth Spencer, decided to lock the long scoundrel up in his cupboard. Barbaric enough on its own, perhaps, but he chose the moment to take a long vacation. That his suspicions turned St John’s out to be correct would have done little to vindicate his actions in the eyes of his successor, who had, Dr James Wood began his career as an excellent student, no doubt, something of a shock whilst moving into the Master’s Lodge, where the skeleton was even- and went quickly from undergraduate to legend. Later tually discovered having remained in the cupboard for several years. Corpus also boasst to having on, as well as graduating fi rst in his year eventually the ghost of Henry Butts, a Master of the college who saw through several plague years. He hanged went on to become master of the college. However, upon himself in some style with a pair of silk stockings on Easter Sunday in 1632, and is reputed to walk his death in 1839 he was apparently so attached to his the college still, with grey hair and a gash in his neck student days that his ghost returned, where it now fre- quents O staircase. If you look hard enough, you it is said you can see him sitting under the window where, unable to afford his own candles, he studied by lamp light as an impoverished undergrad. Let it serve as a lesson to all e those who become a little too involved in college life... Fitzwilliam It’s not just the university which has been haunted through the ages - the stone King’s lions that guard the Fitzwil- According to legend, the Gibbs building was once the home of an old Fellow liam Museum have been named Barrett, who used to keep an open coffi n in his room. Lying in this known, on the stroke of helped him to concentrate, he claimed - occasionally he would even conduct midnight, to get up off their supervisions from his curious lectern. But he anticipated his own downfall plinths and go to drink from one morning when he was found lying dead in his own box. The cause of his the fountain. On other occa- sudden and inexplicable death remains a secret to this day, but he is said sions they have been seen still to wander the corridors at night, awakened once more from his coffi n. going through the doors and into the Museum itself... Cambridge Horrors

Cambridge has been haunted for as long as anyone can remember. Ghosts, ghouls and phantoms have roamed our cobbled streets through the ages, and some say still do. ere are nights when the Grey Lady of Girton walks abroad and the Fitzwilliam lions leave their plinths to prowl the museum corridors. With Halloween approaching, Gianna Vaughan took a trip through the town’s ghostly past and uncovered tales of haunting, murdered lovers and walking corpses. Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWFeatures 17

Christ’s Girton At Christ’s, in 1847, fellow Christopher Round was in love with one The Grey Lady Mary Clifford; “a beautiful, good and very gentle woman” as he wrote. Peterhouse of Girton, a While they became fi rm friends, she never returned his passion. One Peterhouse are one of the few col- certain Miss night, in a fi t of jealous rage, he beat Paul Collier, the apple of his love’s leges ever to have taken the more Taylor, is one of eye, to death in a vicious rage. Racked by guilt for the rest of his life, he extreme step, of having one of their the city’s most was never convicted, and since his death he is said to have returned to Deans perform an exorcism in a popular ghosts. Christ’s, unable to atone for his sin. These days a vision of a tall, portly, building on the north face of the During the late elderly man is occasionally seen walking slowly through the Fellow’s college. Yet there have been several 1800s she was Garden, taking his time to avoid the pond into which his opponent was ghost sightings in the Peterhouse seen stalking despatched. His footsteps have even been heard climbing the staircase to Combination Room in the very re- down the corri- the Fellow’s building. The door opens, but the passage is always empty. cent future - on April 17, 1997, two dors and around college waiters witnessed a white the grounds of hooded fi gure materialise by the Girton, particu- fi re place, accompanied by knock- larly the Taylor ing and rattling sounds behind Knob staircase. the wood panelling. Others soon However, she began to report similar sounds and was rumoured to Trinity sudden drops in temperature. In have moved from After a series of students refused to live in them October of the same year, the fi gure Girton to Abbey during the early 1800s, fellow Dr Christopher appeared again and the Dean, Dr Road, to a house Wordsworth was forced to investigate certain Ward, was called out of dinner at which has since rooms in the college allegedly haunted by a moan- the High Table to help. It demateri- been exorcised. It ing child, whose hands appeared backwards. Trini- alised before he arrived but he did is said the lady ty is famous for the Society of Psychiacal Research, report that the room was inexplica- was desirous and for launching The Ghost Club in Cambridge. bly freezing despite being lit by two of becoming a Perhaps these groups have kept the spooks away roaring log fi res. After the discovery student and died in recent years... of his funeral bill in 1999, it is now soon after being believed that the ghost is that of denied a place at Fellow James Dawes who hung the college. himself from the bell rope which used to be in the turret joining the Cambridge HorrorsCombination Room to the Hall. Sidney Sussex The most famous supernatural events at Sidney were the ap- pearances, in 1841 and 1967, of a fl oating purple eye. The last of these appearances provoked a nationwide debate on validity of Jesus such claims to the existence of Perhaps the most horrible tale of all concenrs a supernatural phenomena. As you mysterious sect, The Everlasting Club, which ex- might suspect, this very newspa- isted at Jesus to create a bridge to the afterlife. In per, a bastion of good sense and his 1919 publication Tedious brief Tales of Granta solid journalism, assured the and Gramarye Arthur Gray mentioned its founda- student body that the sightings tion in 1738 by notorious Alan Dermot. The idea at Sidney were nonsense. You was that the seven members would be Corporeal might say Sidney didn’t need Everlastings during life and Incorporeal Everlast- any ghosts anyway- the decapi- ings in death. At the original meeting in an empty tated head of Oliver Cromwell study on G staircase, the rules drawn up stated must surely be enough. Reports that, “If any Everlasting shall fail to attend the of his spirit wandering around, yearly meeting or in his turn shall fail to provide looking to retrieve the severed entertainment for the Society, he shall be mulcted noggin, are mere speculation. at the discretion of the President.” The group continued their ‘raucous’ and ‘unearthly’ antics, meeting annually until 1743 when the fi rst mem- ber was absent. The minutes for that date, No- vember 2, read “Mulctatus propter absentiam per Presidentem Hen. Davenport,” and were signed by all other six members, including the President Dermot. An entry on the next page noted, “Henry Davenport by a canon shot became an Incorporeal member, November 3, 1743.” According to Gray, what concerned the other members more than this extreme punishment was that all of this took place almost a month after Alan Dermot had been killed in a duel in Paris. The society continued, bound to meet every year until each ‘everlasting’ had died in mysterious circumstances, leaving only Charles Bellasis. He had returned to Jesus as a Fellow later in life and on All Soul’s Eve, 1766, locked himself in his study in the hope of escaping his punishment for not initiating a new genera- tion into the Society. It was reported that between the hours of 10 and 12 that night a hideous uproar emanated from the room which could be heard throughout the college. The next morning Bellasis was found dead in his chair, head thrown back, eyes wide and for the fi rst time since 1742, the minute book was signed by all seven members. New Editor? Applications are now open for positions on the Varsity editorial team for Lent Term 2008 Could you take control? Info and applications forms from [email protected]

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Bookshop 1 Trinity Street Cambridge CB2 1SZ Bookshop 101223 Trinity 333333 Street Cambridgebookshop@ CB2cambridge.org 1SZ www.cambridge.org/bookshop 01223 333333 [email protected] www.cambridge.org/bookshop Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWFeatures 19

s I set off to Washington drafting and publicising legisla- in June to begin a sum- tion, to looking after constituent merA working on Capitol Hill, concerns. Staff display a fi erce I knew to expect oversized loyalty to their Member and personalities. Few institutions their party, but they all, whether congratulate themselves quite they serve evangelicals from the so often and so warmly as the Top of the Hill deepest south or Yankee liberals United States Senate. A quick from the north-east, tend to have trawl through The Congres- two things in common: while sional Record, the American their bosses are usually old and equivalent of Hansard, shows  e inner workings of the US Senate are not widely known rich, staff are almost uniformly that Senators have described young and underpaid. In my their chamber as the world’s to outsiders. But for Matt Cliff ord, one of a handful offi ce, aside from the Senator “greatest deliberative body” on himself, the oldest person was forty-one occasions in the last of interns taken on each summer, it became a second the Chief of Staff, who was still year alone. in his thirties. The average age But what I knew less about home. Here he examines the practicalities of running a was around twenty-seven. was how Congress really worked. Salaries for the most junior How do the radically differ- superpower. employees begin at £12,000. ent wills of 300 million people Legislative Assistants, who are become expressed in law? The an- responsible for huge swathes swer, it seems, is a combination of of policy and often hold ad- grandstanding personality poli- vanced degrees or are quali- tics from familiar names and the fi ed lawyers, struggle to earn meticulous and dedicated work of more than about £30,000. But people you’ve never heard of. while the youngest staffers are The Senate was designed often Ivy League graduates to be unrepresentative of the who could easily treble their American people, a role it salaries in banking or consult- fulfi ls extremely well. Not only ing, it would be wrong to see does California (population: their career choice in terms of 36,000,000) have the same sacrifi cial public service alone. number of Members as Wyo- Few of my colleagues saw ming (population: 515,000), themselves playing out the rest but the Senators themselves of their careers in Congress. are far older, whiter and richer Rather, a few years walking than the people they serve. Ninety-four of the hundred members are white, eighty-two are men and the average age is “Nearly every 60. The average cost of win- ning a Senatorial campaign in senator wants to 2006 was $7.8 million. Every Member has spent a lifetime be president one trying to get to where they are now and most are determined day - and over half to enjoy the power and prestige while it lasts. believe they will I have nothing but praise for the Senator I was working be” for: he treated every member of staff as an equal, worked as hard as anyone in the offi ce and the corridors of power is seen made an effort to get to know as a pathway to much more everyone, from the lowliest in- lucrative destinations. tern upward. About three weeks Washington is a city of lobby- into my placement, however, a ists. More than 30,000 people, senior member of staff took me the majority former staffers, to one side as though to offer work as lobbyists for organisa- important advice. “I hope you’re tions ranging from pressure not getting the impression,” he groups to huge corporations, able told me, “that United States to call in salaries far higher than Senators are kind and consider- those available in the Senate. ate creatures. They’re not. I’ve Another common exit strategy is worked for four and this is the to try to leverage the knowledge fi rst who hasn’t despised every- and contacts acquired in Con- one on their staff”. gress in industry. The large in- Certainly, Senatorial egos vestment banks in particular are are on full display in their keen to employ those who have luxurious offi ces. Almost every gained signifi cant experience in Member has an entrance room fi nancial policy. And, of course, that is wallpapered with grand there are very many who believe pictures of the Senator and that their time as a staffer is news cuttings celebrating his The average cost of winning a seat in the US Senate in 2006 was $7.8million just one step along the road to or her greatness. That Senators the White House. My Senator should develop such a sense ton, whose offi ce was directly party leadership, but it remains a audience to lavish praise. The once said to me that nearly every of self-importance is hardly opposite mine, seemed more powerful force for inertia. committee chairman outdid him- Senator wants to be President surprising. Everywhere they normal than most of her col- The quality of individual self, describing the statement as one day – and over half believe leagues whenever I met her. Senators’ contribution to the “one of the most articulate, intel- that they will be. The numbers Even on the one occasion that I legislative process is notoriously ligent and important testimonies must be similar for Senate staff. walked towards her rather too variable. There are some who I have heard in all my years on The American Senate, then, is “this is the fi rst enthusiastically and had to be are masters of their briefs, who Capitol Hill”. The speakers who largely populated by people who cut off by one of her man-moun- ask complex and penetrating followed, the President of the Na- have either spent the last two Senator I’ve tain bodyguards, she was very questions at briefi ngs and whose tional Center for Missing & Ex- decades trying to get in or who friendly and smiled convinc- interventions are respected on ploited Children and the Director will spend the next two planning worked for who ingly as she wished me a good both sides of the aisle. Others of the Crimes Against Children how most profi tably to get out. afternoon. noticeably struggle. My favourite Research Center, both received a Yet somehow between them they hasn’t despised The most striking feature of moment of Senatorial eccentric- cursory word of thanks. get the job done. The Founding the actual work of the Senate is ity was at a committee hearing It is the open secret of Ameri- Fathers of America sought a body everyone on their its languid pace. The practice of on child safety on the internet. can government that the leg- that would act as a conservative agreeing the structure of all its Bizarrely, among the assembled islative branch is run almost counterweight to the hot-headed staff ” debates by “unanimous consent” panel of expert witnesses was entirely by twenty-somethings. House of Representatives, but makes for protracted debates and Miss America 2007, who has Each Senator employs between also one that could show genu- long delays in voting on contro- chosen online child safety as the thirty and fi fty people and has inely national leadership on go they are surrounded by the versial measures. Even a single cause she will promote over the access to further staff who are the biggest questions facing the trappings of power, from the Senator can prevent a bill coming next year. Her statement to the assigned to particular commit- union. For all its egotism and ec- grandeur of the chamber itself to a vote by placing an “anony- committee was competent, but tees, and it is these people who centricity, today’s Senate contin- to the ever-vigilant security mous hold” on its passage. Such unspectacular. But it was enough perform the critical work that ues to plod forward, one slow and details. Although Hilary Clin- a move can be overturned by the to inspire the elderly Senatorial keeps Congress ticking over, from deliberate step at a time. Fashion Editors: Iona Carter, Emma Draper and Francesca Perry Friday October 26 2007 Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: 20 VIEWFashion [email protected] varsity.co.uk/fashion varsity.co.uk/fashion [email protected] VIEWFashion 21

Rip what you sew Benj Ohad Seidler

Gucci generally appears in Cam- of a fl ailing company and steered it bridge semantics fl accidly, before into the production of fabric meta- the word ‘loafer,’ or maybe ‘glasses.’ phors for sex. The slick chrome black The two establishments have little in Gucci signature style is Ford’s signa- common and could be personifi ed ture. Following his departure and a as two women at the same society few false starts from other designers, where the requisite for membership Frida Giannini, a young, lean and is, simply, ‘exclusivity’. Cambridge perky Roman designer (who used would be a dowager dressed in an to be in charge of accessories, the understated Atonement-inspired brand’s most lucrative department) thirties emerald liquid silk gown that took it upon herself to make Gucci sails behind her as she swans against ‘Gucci’ again. a backdrop of oak panelling. Her For this winter, Giannini an- classical helmet (for she worships nounced that the Gucci muse was Minerva), ornate with plumes col- the late Lee Miller, the model- oured to match her college stripes, turned-WW2-photographer. She cuts a startlingly graphic and decisive lavished her audience with innova- silhouette as she lurks through the tive-looking sweetheart necklines on shadow of intellectual history on long silken dresses. The looks were her way to the bar. At the bar, she somehow modest, very tastefully fi nds Gucci, a woman unfathom- bejewelled with diamante brooches ably younger (has it been centuries and sculpted metal plates perched already?) yet equally authoritative. around a décolletage or on the Gucci is wearing a satin sash belt indent of a hip. These dresses made that seems to think it can be a dress, a media debut on possessed-looking sliding off her pert yet substantial models in the spectacular David chest and boxing her hips, as if they Lynch advert for the new Gucci were a confection of chocolates, in a by Gucci perfume (watch it on colour that could only be described youtube). It was bold for Giannini as Brighton Rock pink. Cambridge to choose Lynch and his challenging readjusts her helmet (which she purposefully under-polished aesthet- bought to counterbalance the size ic, but it paid off and fi nally the era of her ego, whereas Gucci’s only of ‘fascist Gucci’ was upon us, with question at the boutique seems to a purity and power that was slightly have been, “do my nipples look unnerving and proposed a new type good in this?”) to grimace at the of feminine with no saccharine. lithe Italian, slinking on her leather This spring, however, a two di- club chair like as if to dress it as she mensional vision of the 1950s creat- herself is clothed. Cambridge thinks ed some looks (in a harsh palette of to herself, “how exclusive can you bee-stripe yellow, sugary pink, black claim to be if you let anyone who and white) in hard taffeta shapes can foot the bill have you; be it that looked like something the rat an oil-guzzling Texan, a nouveau- pack might hang out with if they riche Russian and anyone wearing were drunk and willing. The whole a burka, granted it hangs above a idea of womanliness that emerged pair of Christian Louboutin heals?” in the fi fties seemed to have lost its Self-satiated by this classist, racist and relevance (where were the healthy lofty remark, Cambridge suddenly fi gures?). The Gucci woman became coughs uncontrollably, red faced a fl at paper doll for a time and place and winded. For clutched amidst a that seemed as monochromatic and fan Gucci’s acrylic fi ngernails is a gin dull as the clothes. Giannini, es- and tonic, the same drink that the sentially a very talented designer, has University just choked on. They may yet to fi nd her signature and defi ne have different reasons, but fashion what Gucci is. and academia drink from the same Amidst talk of access, walking fountain of innovation and reinven- on grass, hookers in lecture halls tion. and top-up fees, Cambridge too Both Gucci and Cambridge are will have to examine its own brand old brands, known for quality and identity, or lose stock due to lack of highbrow heritage in their respec- consistency. If Cambridge loses its tive fi elds (Gucci dates back to the traditions, be they racist, classist or 1906, which can match Cambridge’s puritanical, it will, inevitably, fun- age in fashion years). Both are damentally change. This happened extremely image conscious and rely when it fi rst accepted women, and heavily on homoerotic propaganda the change has made the University for their charm (sultry Gucci men an infi nitely more stimulating place. are really just sun-kissed versions of Its feel was challenged and many pasty Brideshead boys). Gucci is an Cambridge ‘types’ (like the closeted important part of Italian identity; homosexual that would only ‘ex- Oxbridge is quintessentially British. periment’ if he were in the all-male Crucially, both are questioning their sanctuary behind college walls) personalities for the twenty-fi rst cen- were eradicated. Romantic notions tury, sorting at the shrouds that once of the present eventually become identifi ed them, both literally and nostalgia for an irrelevant past. It is fi guratively, and spring cleaning. So becoming as increasingly impossible what stays and what goes? to see Cambridge as a haven for the Whereas Cambridge history is one privileged as it is to accept a tepid of Senates and Graces, Gucci has a Gucci collection that has neither Top left: Flora wears top, £22, trousers, £25, both Ark Vintage. James wears history of murder and design coups. Ford’s sexiness nor Giannini’s pow- cardigan, £40, and shirt (just visible), £25, both Topshop. Top right: F wears The house was founded by Guccio erful sensitivity. Now is the time for Gucci in Florence and his six sons newness, for decisiveness. Now, in jumper, £30, Ark Vintage. Bottom left: J wears shirt, stylist’s own. F wears took on an illustrious leather goods a decade that does not even have a house known for craftsmanship and proper name, fashion and academia shirt, £26, Ark Vintage. Bottom right: F wears dress, £35, Ark Vintage. Photo- turned it into a global mega-brand. are still in the changing room. It re- Fast-forward until most of the sons mains a mystery which will emerge graphed by Francesca Perry. Styled by Emma Draper and Iona Carter. Many have either been killed by one of in the dour black gown and which their brothers or by one of their will strut out in the miniature fuscia thanks to CB1 café. wives and Tom Ford took the helm party frock. Features Editor: Ed Cumming Friday October 26 2007 22 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features ‘Optimism is our only hope’ Even in a story as tragic as Zimbabwe’s recent history there are two sides. Andy Ryan wanted to hear both. So he interviewed Itayi Garande, a prominent human-rights lawyer, and then he spoke to Reason Wafawarova, a former director of Robert Mugabe’s Youth Militia, a group Amnesty International has accused of murdering and torturing political opponents of ZANU PF.

tayi Garande is a human rights did it. It should be remembered but it is now very diffi cult to IMF. “Neo-liberal policies do 1992 when ESAP was intro- lawyer and the editor of talkz- that Mugabe also controls the cover up repression. Technology not resonate with the African duced and it had fallen to 42 Iimbabwe.com. Garande believes means of violence and repres- has advanced and stories will peasant population which makes years by 1995 when the govern- Robert Mugabe’s grip on power is sion. The MDC has performed fi lter to the rest of the world, up 70 per cent of Africa’s popula- ment began to publicly admit the result of a long-term plan: brilliantly within the environ- whether Mugabe likes it or not. tion. This continent’s culture is that the the genocidal IMF “Robert Mugabe should be ment that it operates. Morgan Journalism will tell the Zimba- of a collectivist nature and tends programme they had embraced understood in the context of Tsvangirai (the leader of the bwean story.” to favour social welfare policies was indeed a failure.” the whole liberation struggle of MDC) defi nitely has a place in Garande has faith in the fu- as opposed to individualistic He also criticises sanctions, Zimbabwe. Mugabe’s ambition the New Zimbabwe, but he will ture. “No tyranny exists forever. market-based capitalist policies.” which “have played a major part in Zimbabwe has always been to not go it alone. He is now a sea- It would be a shame for the He blames Western inter- in the decline of the economy. establish total power - the Unity soned politician with a key role Zimbabwean people to despair. ference for the breakdown in Mugabe, maybe like Castro, Accord of 1987 was bent on so- now and in the future. He chal- Instead they should start mak- relations between Zimbabwe Saddam and Gaddafi , has proved lidifying his power. The creation lenged Mugabe when everybody ing plans for the aftermath. and the West. “In the past, the to western leaders that sanctions of the Executive Presidency and else feared his brutality. He has Optimism is our only hope. neutral position in the internal as a tool to achieve change are a all its powers was meant to guar- stood up against the tyranny The signs of self-disintegration political affairs of Zimbabwe futile exercise, especially if the antee total power. ZANU PF (the and has advanced the cause within ZANU PF point to the was the sole foundation of desired end is regime change.” governing party) has failed to for a democratic Zimbabwe. All demise of Mugabe. Some ZANU cordial relations between the He believes corruption is both change party leadership because stakeholders will have to come PF members are now working Zimbabwe government and the a product and a cause of the Mugabe has been blocking that together in rebuilding the coun- with the rest of the population in West. Sanctions, threats, media situation. “The economic crisis process for a very long time. The try; including those elements ensuring that there is a smooth campaigns, propaganda and has created a culture of unprec- factional fi ghting in the party Mugabe currently accuses of transition.” He also has faith in diplomatic wars will achieve edented corruption in the politi- shows the level of frustration ‘re-colonising’ the country.” Zimbabweans. “They are very re- nothing; negotiations will. I am cal fraternity, in the police force, within the party with Mugabe From other African coun- silient, educated and determined of the opinion that the West will the judiciary, the public sector, clinging onto power.” tries comes a mixed record to achieve peace in Zimbabwe one day re-engage Zimbabwe the private sector and almost all He is sure that the West could of success. “Zambia is on the without resorting to violence.” into mainstream global econom- industry, trade and commerce.” make a difference. “The West right path. There is democratic ics with or without a ZANU PF He emphasizes Mugabe’s could apply pressure through progress in the country, but eason Wafawarova was a removal from power and this is popular support. “Mugabe is sanctions. Targeted sanctions corruption and nepotism are director of Robert Mugabe’s going to happen in the interest the third most popular African are not working. The total assets evils they are still desperately Ryouth militia, which Amnesty of both Zimbabwe and the West.” Leader ever according to the haul for the last fi ve years was fi ghting. There is now relative International accuses of tortur- For the economic mayhem, latest opinion poll by the African only £172,000 – a pathetic fi gure stability in the country. Nigeria ing and murdering opponents to Wafawarova blames the IMF. Magazine. While there is no by any measure. This is the sort seems to be going in the right the regime. “The fi rst signs of doubt that Robert Mugabe does of amount Mugabe loyalists direction. The transfer of power Wafawarova be- economic decline not have majority support in the spend on a single vehicle, or on from one civilian government to lieves that the ex- manifested major urban areas of Zimbabwe, one ‘blood diamond’ transac- another was relatively smooth. planation for themselves for reasons to do with him at tion. The UN should do more. South Africa is a model of peace Mugabe’s immedi- one time embracing the IMF UN sanctions are more embar- and reconciliation. The Truth land ately after ESAP, there is also no doubt rassing for Mugabe and could and Reconciliation Commission seizures the 1992 that his land reform programme potentially hurt the country, could be used by many warring is his- launch of and his anti neo-liberal stance but China and Russia could torical. the IMF’s have actually endeared him potentially veto such a move. He sees Economic massively to the rural popula- Humanitarian assistance is also them as Structural tion of the country.” needed. The regime does not the result Adjust- He admits that human rights seem to care anymore how many “ e entire noble of “the ment Pro- abuses have taken place “on a people get killed, tortured and legacy of gramme... disturbing scale,” but says that illegally arrested.” endeavour of colonial The life “it is dishonest to attribute the It would be “ideal” if other imbalance.” expectan- abuses to the government only. African leaders put pressure Cambridge theatre Africa, in cy was This violence comes in several on Mugabe. Ideal, but unlikely. his opinion, 62 in ways, mainly as inter-party “Many of the leaders are hu- is reduced to an cannot ac- violent clashes, intra-party man rights abusers themselves, cept the violent clashes, police-protester so it would be presumptuous to educated gamble” neo- violent clashes as well as the al- think that they could effectively liberal leged security forces’ vindictive push for change in Zimbabwe. agen- night raids. Many people from African leaders are still strug- factions on the continent as a da of both the MDC and ZANU PF gling with the ‘saviour’ mental- model. Notwithstanding the the have suffered violence from ity – they feel they saved their fact that the peace process was both their rivals in other countries from exploitation, and necessitated by Mandela, South parties and from those hence need to be compensated. Africa still remains a model for within their own parties The Charter of the African African countries.” and the courts have many Union needs to be revised in He believes that jour- cases to prove this.” order to protect innocent civil- nalism is having an Wafawarova believes ians... The Charter was drafted impact. “Today’s that Zimbabwe’s politi- by Heads of States, not law- world is differ- cal deadlock is due to “a yers, and therefore guarantees ent. The culture of intolerance.” the interests of the Heads of scale “The ruling party insists States.” that the MDC is not a Garande’s home-grown party but a hopes lie Western poodle while the with the opposition insists that the Movement ruling party is a dictator- for Democrat- ship in total. Both posi- ic Change, tions create the maximum Zimbabwe’s hate that can ever exist major op- between the supporters position from both sides of the di- party. “The vide. If this hate politics MDC has so far is not addressed, it is presented the almost futile to address greatest challenge the question of human to Mugabe. No rights abuses.” opposition party in Zimbabwe of violence in the world had ever held more than fi fteen might not have increased, seats in parliament. The MDC tyrannies have always existed, GILES SMITH Careers Service event

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bp.com/ukgraduates Arts Editor: George Grist Friday October 26 2007 24 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts Stage against the Machine As Cambridge theatre attendance continues to wane, Greg Buchanan investigates the problems facing student drama societies and asks whether it is wiser to stump up the cash and go it alone

ambridge theatre presents more often will, fuse together almost unparalleled op- the interests of more similar portunities for new talent, disciplines, the pair made £400 Cwhether in acting, writing, each in profi ts after expenditure. production or so on. We have the “I think that sometimes Marlowe Society’s Script Lab, fi nance doesn’t enter into your where budding playwrights can own artistic inspiration,” said test their mettle, the Footlights’ the director. “But for me, it was Virgin Smokers for comedians, an investment on both levels. We the ADC Freshers’ Play where chose the play partly because it every role from the ground up was pertinent to everyone doing is placed in the hands of new French literature in the fi rst students, and so on and so forth year and some in the second, so throughout the entire university. we had the support of the faculty Any kind of theatrical back- who suggested students come ground short of attending stage along, with some supervisors school or starring in a string even taking classes with them. of Hollywood movies could not If you are studying theatre you prepare you for all these many want to study it in motion, and wonderful opportunities, but are they real? Students talk of Cambridge as being a bubble. Somehow, “I think that being here, we are cut off from sometimes fi nance doesn’t enter into “ e entire noble your own artistic endeavour of inspiration” Cambridge theatre is reduced to an so we expanded our audience. Theatre thrives in an intellectual educated gamble” culture, and if theatre is declin- ing generally then we could look to the decline of that culture generally. A lot of people come to the concerns of the wider world. a point where there’s no longer As stage drama declines on an an inorganic split between what international level in the face of you are interested in personally newer media such as fi lm and and academic work, and I think television, and with the oldest that Cambridge is a privileged ILLUSTRATION BY JANE HALL active theatre in England, the environment for that to happen. Bristol Old Vic, currently facing borne from the profi ts of previ- However, despite its apparent appealing to non-traditional It ought not to experience the the threat of imminent clo- ous plays. Any kind of disrup- artistic merit the play repre- crowds. “It’s the kind of show same decline.” sure, so too some of the smaller tion in this cycle, any kind of sented a loss of over £400 for that can attract local people too, Looking towards the term college-based dramatic societies great loss from one term’s show the company with an average of as opposed to just thesps and ahead, an entire host of produc- are struggling with the prob- that prevents income rolling for- thirty out of eighty seats fi lled drama-student types,” says cur- tions emerge upon the horizon, lems of fi nancial failure. In a ward, and the entire year could every night. While this is, in rent president Kate Kopelman of with such fare as the Fresher’s world of comparative fi nancial be lost. In this sense the entire comparison to other plays shown last year’s Anne Frank. “I’m not Play, The Visit, at the ADC, The behemoths like the ADC and noble endeavour of Cambridge at the Corpus Playroom, a good saying that the only way to have Fall of the House of Usher at Marlowe Society, how soon will theatre is reduced to the simple average, costs ranging from the a successful show is to appeal to Homerton, Cigarettes and Choc- it be until this bubble bursts? economics of an educated gam- leasing of rights (approximately people outside of colleges, but I olate at Pembroke and Once In 2006, St John’s drama soci- ble, and this is a gamble that equal to the entire amount do think that some students who Upon a Time, the Footlights ety, the Lady Margaret Players, some, like the ADC and more lost) to hiring out the ex-college go to the theatre go most often to pantomime. The actors, directors were left reeling after the sud- wealthy college drama groups theatre caused problems for the ADC, so unless you have your and entire teams of people in- den withdrawal of their planned like the Pembroke Players, can those involved. A sense emerges show there you can be really lim- volved with amateur dramatics Troilus and Cressida mere afford to bear and from which from all such examples that the ited in numbers if [students] are remain as enthusiastic, and in weeks before performance. The others baulk. The debate regard- purpose of art here is, against your target audience. You need to some cases, as talented as ever. director had left citing personal ing college theatre then becomes its own will, being diluted in the have a show with an edge. ” However, as Cambridge reasons. “We lost our main show one of defi nition and purpose – minutiae of budgets and costs. Yet despite the often precari- University celebrates her 800th of the term as a society only what it could aim towards, and And in all this, we have to ask ous fi nancial situations behind anniversary and the student able to afford one,” said Laura how it could fi t into this shifting the controversial question: who most theatrical productions, body grows ambivalent towards Bates, then the new President world of risks. exactly wants to go and see all there have been a few plays the once proud theatrical tradi- of the company and the person Someone Who’ll Watch Over these plays anyway? that have managed to break tion, the problems of yesterday responsible for dealing with the Me, February’s production by The loss made by Someone the mould. Thomas Edwards, leave a chaotic legacy to the situation. “We had been rely- the Homerton Amateur Theatri- Who’ll Watch Over Me, as a case director of last year’s Le Mis- thespians of tomorrow. Whether ing upon the revenue the show cal Society (HATS), opened to study in the workings of colle- anthrope, self-funded his play this is avoidable, and whether would have generated to put on a huge critical ovation. Var- giate theatre, was compensated together with executive pro- appealing more to the needs of another the next term. “ sity gave the play four stars, by the many other successes of ducer Chris Hunt after having particular audiences might help The costs of putting on pro- with reviewer Elizabeth Davis the year for HATS, with such been refused funding by many amateur dramatics here escape ductions within Cambridge are, “moved, frightened and amused shows as Anne Frank and Romeo groups and societies throughout a national decline, is the key apart from relatively modest by turns”, calling the play as and Juliet more than doubling the university. In an example of question that faces Cambridge’s contributions from college JCRs, a whole “extremely powerful”. their initial investments by how theatre can, and perhaps new talent. Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 25

liveMUSIC Patti Smith ★★★★★ Izzy Finkel

When Patti Smith, high priestess of punk, hits town, your immortal soul had better take note. Smith was in (or near) the city on a brief tour that blessed Oxford and Cambridge as well as London with her punk-rock presence. Careful readers will notice not only that she skipped off Hull but that these are our hallowed old university towns, and from a poem she declaimed about Isaac Newton prancing across the backs (“trailed by apple sauce”) to the King’s College napkin she brandished as a trophy, she was hardly able to suppress her excitement as she chatted her way through the set. Too bad then that few students were there to repay the compliment. One member of our party, complain- ing of the reverential silence, quipped “it’s like going to church, but with better music”, and indeed the only time they really got up off their zim- mer-frames was during a stonking rendition of Gloria (“G.L.O.R.I.A…”). The audience, for the most part, gen- tly swayed, almost as much in awe of Patti as Patti was of the King’s cows, lacking the energy to keep pace with the undiminished zeal of their ageing deity. Smith and her band supplemented the classics with tracks from her new cover album, Twelve. Highlights included were the Rolling Stones’ Gimme Shelter and a Nirvana track – the latter perhaps an ironic comment on the fact that the predominant odour at the venue was not Teen Spirit but rather the stale reek of bikers’ under- pants. Only once did the crowd let go William Blake (1747-1827), Daughters of Albion (frontispiece) a bit of nodding-dog style moshing out of its cage, although it may have been more of a “you betcha” response to her version of Jimmy Hendrix’s “Are You Experienced?” than any real sign that the rhythm was cours- ing through them. The Art of Reason The band shared a good deal of the limelight. A number from her long-term collaborator Lenny Kaye An Enlightenment exhibition at the Fitzwilliam revisits old favourites and re- was dedicated “to all those girls from Newnham College”, to balance the fl ects on the museum’s heritage. Sam Rose goes on a Grand Tour. fact that Patti couldn’t stop talking about the fellows (or “dem fellas”). he rehabilitation of Eng- age symbolises the contem- Lane bears resemblances to a was to see was the print after the They really shone on an instrumental lish art is often taken for porary captivation with the Wednesday night outside Cindies, painting. In fact a large number interlude that sounded like African granted nowadays. It is West’s Classical past, and was with the image even featuring on of works were recognisable from drumming, Jimmy Hendrix, search Teasy to forget that with the rise something undertaken by the safe drinking guidelines issued the walls of the normal gallery sirens and Gregorian chanting rolled of Modernism, artists such as museum’s founder a number by the University last year. display, or from previous exhibi- into one. The most remarkable mo- Gainsborough and Reynolds of times. Batoni’s portrait of Later works show the slow tions. Rather than a lack of initia- ments were when she deviated from were more and more regarded Charles Compton is a perfect change in Britain’s tastes tive on the curator’s part, how- the lyrics and wove poetry into her as faintly ridiculous (though example of the ‘tour portrait’, towards the end of the cen- ever, this seems to be very much tunes. Rendering “the electric guitar perhaps Reynolds sometimes with the Earl leaning on his tury. Exploration is dealt with the point of the exhibition. More is the only fucking weapon we need” still should be). Paul Mellon, books and pondering a Clas- by some beautiful examples than simply an exploration of “art in print doesn’t quite convey the sar- an American Clare graduate sical bust to demonstrate his of chinoiserie, and a number and society in eighteenth century donic delivery, nor does it capture the and lover of English culture, deep learning and refi nement. of works such as Hogarth’s Britain”, it also deals with the force with which she propelled a glob- had a great hand in redeeming Reynolds shows this infl uence Harlot’s Progress that deal with cultural origins of the Fitzwilliam ule of spit (one of many that punctu- interest in and study of such in his portrait of the Braddyl the ambivalence felt by many Museum, drawing on works from ated her set) onto the stage straight art. It feels timely then that an Family, a large antique vase towards the slave trade. Gillray the collection to refl ect the times afterwards. exhibition like this is held in the serving to demonstrate their provides some typically amus- in which the founder lived. As the Affection for Cambridge reached wake of the Fitzwilliam’s tribute links to the classical past, and ing prints, satirising everything Director says, the museum itself its peak when Smith returned for an to the man last month. It also perhaps also their future aspi- from exploration to the French is “very much a product of the encore. Having to apologise for bring- seems fi tting that it should come rations for their son. revolution, while Blake is taken enlightenment”. For those keen ing up the subject, she proclaimed for towards the end of the Director- Hogarth marks a radical on as the example of the new on Joseph Wright, his portrait of the umpteenth time how lucky she ship of a man who beforehand departure, and displays a certain spirit that will lead to a triumph the founder, Richard Fitzwilliam, felt to be here. She sashayed across worked at the Yale Center for amount of scorn for the reserved of Romanticism over Reason. hangs proudly at the entrance. the stage to a rather incongruously British Art, and has done much works mentioned above. His par- Although not strictly belonging For those keen on the Fitzwil- subdued version of “Perfect Day” to research and champion Brit- odies of contemporary society are in an exhibition about Britain, a liam, the Director is giving a talk to prove the fact, showing that time ish art in general. often humorous, and often rather book of Goya’s etchings provides next Wednesday lunchtime. I sug- spent within the three-mile boundary The display aims to show that unpleasant. They tackle the dif- a tantalising example of what gest you go. can turn even the most sage of poet/ there is more to enlightenment fi culties man faced in an age of is to come in Europe, as well as rock-stars a little crazy. Better suited art than classicising portraits industry and rapid growth, and a hint, perhaps, that the golden to our situation this far past the sta- and ancient works looted dur- as such some manage to ring true age of British art is waning. From Reason to Revolution: Art tion was the jagged closing number, ing jaunts around Europe. The to this day. In the 1960s David Upon entering (and having and Society in Eighteenth-Century Rock and Roll Nigger. Dancing bare- fi rst area contains what to Hockney achieved his break- been excited by the exhibition Britain. Until January 27. foot bathed in a halo of yellow light, many is the quintessential art through with series of etchings poster), a fair amount of time October 31 13.15-13.45 “A Lighthouse the famously androgynous singer of Eighteenth Century Britain, based around Hogarth’s ‘Rake’s was spent searching out Joseph on Fire” by Joseph Wright of looked like Feist but feistier or like that of the Grand Tour. This Progress’. Closer to Cambridge, Wright’s Air Pump, before I Derby. Talk by Duncan Robinson, John the Baptist - if they made peace- journey of cultural pilgrim- I’ve heard some suggest that Gin eventually realised that all there Fitzwilliam Director and-love vests in his size. Arts Editor: George Grist Friday October 26 2007 26 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts A cut above Verity Simpson caught up with Henry Dartnall, tweed-clad lead singer of e Young Knives and quizzed him about Mercury Music, puffi ns and radio shows

f you don’t already know about the Young Knives, let me just give you a few sali- Ient points. The band includes a member called House of Lords (so called because he’s big and decisions go through him, apparently). They hail from the curiously named Ashby-de- la-Zouch and they also often appear clad in tweed. Know- ing these facts, I was expect- ing an enigma, and talking to Henry Dartnall, lead singer and brother of aforementioned House of Lords, an enigma is what I got. The fi rst thing was the upbeat tone which belied his often candid responses. We chatted about touring and the atmosphere of rock and roll

“ e Mercury Music Award is a load of rubbish. You have to pay to be considered... how can that be a fair judgement of best album of 2007?”

raucousness and general ca- maraderie that most aspiring musos like to believe exists. Well, 24 hour party peo- ple they are not, intimates Henry, with his revelation that they’ve “been on tour with bands where we’ve thought ‘you bunch of idiots’ and kept away.” He seems groundless, feeling an affi nity with neither Leicester, where he hails from, nor Oxford, where he’s had a lot of his music experience. He dolefully comments that “we can’t really call anywhere home.” His disillusionment is fur- Knives out; as well as forks, spoons and everything else ther exposed in his comments regarding their Mercury Music doesn’t seem to come into it.” it’s ruined our career. But I tions are under attack for their Award nomination, which So why bother? “The reason wouldn’t recommend it. I don’t phone-in competitions but I had thought was surely a we did it was because it was a think people give a monkey’s “I’d like to just fi lm that’s how it’s always worked. positive accolade. “The Mer- TV performance, and we knew about that as much as they And people are getting savvy cury Music Award is a load of we’d get to be on the telly and used to anyway.” puffi ns off the to all that, how radio stations rubbish. You have to pay to be that’s good for us, a bit like the So with everybody’s hopes work, how certain singles get considered, and our record la- Booker Prize, and we’d hope- and beliefs about the Mercury Scilly Isles. But I put about. Hopefully that’ll bel obviously coughed up, but fully sell some more records. Music Awards thoroughly spawn a bit more indie stuff, how can that be a fair judge- But the performance wasn’t dashed, what explanation does think you’ve got to because actually indie has be- ment of best album of 2007, even enjoyable, I think it was Henry have for recklessly illu- come a bit more mainstream, how dare they put their names awful. We didn’t do it very well minating the public, and what be pretty cutthroat and that attitude will, sort of to the best albums of 2007 and it didn’t sound very good does he hope to achieve by it? through osmosis, seep its way when you only consider the on TV apparently, and I just “I hope people are becoming to get into that into a much more general atti- people that pay to be entered? thought, ‘what was the point a bit more savvy. You know, tude towards how people listen That’s a load of rubbish in my in that?’ It won’t have done us they’re talking about how TV business.” to music; we can but dream.” book. Qualitative judgement any harm I’m sure, it’s not like programmes and radio sta- And there you have it. Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 27

the rest Ten questions Niamh and quizzed him about Mercury Music, puffi ns and radio shows Cusack

fame at whatever cost, but no. could have done lots of things; What luxury can you not live I’d rather be able to continue maybe I could have been a without? doing what we’re doing until carpenter. I wouldn’t have Lovely soap. To be specifi c we feel that we’ve reached the been a policeman. I wouldn’t Verveine from L’Occitaine. Also, point where we’re no longer have been in the army. There Laughter, a perfume by Space excited by it anymore, but that a plenty of things I wouldn’t NK! point hasn’t come yet.” I don’t have done. Unless I could have want to tempt fate, but I ask been in the entertainment What advice would you give to anyway if they think this point corps, like The Crazy Gang young actors? is a long way off. “You never back in the 30s, I could have Believe in yourself and listen to know, do you, it could just click done army revues, that would your own instinct while being one week and you could think, have been good. If only I’d open to direction and advice. ‘right, I’m not enjoying writ- been born in the 1900s.” But in the end, follow your own ing anymore,’ but I hope not, But back from the world of inner voice. surreal impossibilities, and onto the tangible future: their Given the power, how would “I could have done forthcoming gig in Cambridge. you change the acting How do they feel about playing profession? army revues, that their new material live? I would have far more “It’s good to get it to a point apprenticeships in working would have been where it’s actually playable live. theatre companies throughout We’ve written all this stuff and the land. Fewer drama schools “If I want to do a good. If only I’d taken it into the studio, and the and more learning on the hoof, studio have changed bits around if that makes any sense at all. pop song I’ll do been born in the and we’ve got to the point where we’re happy with the songs and What type of character would it. If I want to do 1900s” have got to learn how to play it you most like to play? all again. You know, we’ve been The femme fatale who ruins a twenty minute playing the same thing for two everyone else’s life, while having I hope it comes before we get years, and they were all really a ball herself. I’ve not done a lot improvisation dull. We don’t want to keep old songs anyway, because that’s of them. My characters tend to churning it all out and become how a fi rst album works, and die a lot and be a bit sad! that is almost ‘dad-rocky.’ But then I suppose it’s quite frustrating to have 14 you’d just change your audi- new tracks that you can’t play What is your favourite thing unlistenable I’ll do ence. But I’d hate to feel like as well as you could play the about your job? I was churning music out to other ones. So we feel very much Meeting new characters, living that.” people and not be of interest, the need to go out on the road; a with them for a bit. Meeting that would be awful.” good 20 day tour will really sort new people and collaborating Let’s imagine that, god us out. with them. Being fi red by other forbid, the Young Knives people’s imagination and talent. hadn’t made it. Let’s envisage that their art-punk sounds, How do you spend a day off? ramifi ed with nostalgic twists, “We might be Doing the shopping, walking the hadn’t been brought to the dog and thinking how untidy ears of the British public. doing it bare. and disorganised I am. What would Henry be do- ing instead of making music? Actually, I think Is there a particular “Still trying to do it. I mean, achievement in your life or we’ve been doing it for so that might be career that you can single out long anyway, I can’t imagine as that which you are most having ever got over the fact illegal. We don’t do proud of? that I wanted to do it. I always I think being a part of a thought about what I should illegal stuff - we’re production of Three Sisters with be doing instead of working two of my sisters and my dad a crap nine-to-fi ve.” Come on, frightened of the was probably the most exciting there must be something? job I’ve done. Don’t disappoint us now authorities.” Henry. He doesn’t. “There are If you had to go back to uni, lots of things I’d like to do; what subject would you I’d like to have done wildlife “Cambridge is going to be choose? fi lming, and other unreason- our fi rst gig and I hope we go Psychology. able things. I’d like to just fi lm into it feeling prepared. We But it’s not all doom and which seems to go down well puffi ns off the Scilly Isles. But want to make sure we don’t do One item for which you would gloom; reminiscing upon their with people because it’s a bit I think you’ve got to be pretty a crap fi rst one, because that’s return if your house was impromptu stand-in for Zane honest.” So is this the way for- cutthroat to get into that busi- a really bad way to start.” It’s burning down? Lowe on Radio 1, Henry be- ward for him, I wonder? Has ness.” out with the old and in with A rug from Morocco which is comes more animated than a his brief foray into presenting Well yes, we all know about the new then; but what else so beautiful. I bartered very 15-year-old groupie at a Kate given him a newfound pas- Bill Oddie’s reputation for can we expect from the be- brilliantly for it. But really Nash gig. “That was wicked; sion? being a ball-breaker. “I’d have spoke band? “Well, what can nothing. As long as I had my it’s funny, because you only No. “I don’t want to be a always been doing something be better than putting on the men and our dog. sort of realise at the time that television presenter just yet, that involved showing off, best show we can? But we al- some people would murder to that would be rubbish. It was maybe comedy or something ways try and have something Favourite Three Songs? do this. We tried very hard to nice to do as a one-off, but like that (God, that would be up our sleeves to show off a A Simple Twist of Fate by Bob be entertaining, so we ended there’s a danger of taking peo- horrifi c), or fi lm-making. We do bit really. We might be doing Dylan. Secret Garden by up messing around quite a ple’s attention away from the that kind of thing on an ama- it bare. Actually, I think that Bruce Springsteen and You lot, being as you would if you music; I know that sounds like teur level anyway, you know, might be illegal. We don’t do Can’t Always Get What you were trying to break the ice at a presumptuous thing to say, twat about a lot. But we’re illegal stuff - we’re frightened Want by the Stones. a party, being a complete twat, because surely you just want always doing creative stuff. I of the authorities.” Opportunity Starts Here®

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is year’s 51st BFI London Film Festival tackled everything from Dylan to Darjeeling and honeybees to abortions. As the Festival draws to a close, Ravi Amaratunga picks the best of the bunch.

uch of the of the hype is channels the spirit of Woody absolutely superb, defi nitively centered on I’m Not There, Guthrie; Jack (Christian shunning Dylan’s folk music fol- ToddM Haynes’ unconventional Bale) is the Greenwich Village lowing and Billy (Richard Gere) journey into the life and times singer whose early success as imagines Dylan in full retreat I’m Not There of Bob Dylan. Six actors por- the adopted fi gurehead of the from the world as Billy the Kid. Dir: Todd Haynes tray Dylan as a series of shift- protest movement is followed This is a conceptually audacious ing personae, from the public by disappearence, resurfacing fi lm that works incredibly well. ★★★★★ to the private to the extraordi- 20 years later as Pastor John, a I’m Not There is playful, funny nary, weaving together a rich born again preacher. and rooted in deep understand- tapestry of the ever-elusive Robbie (Heath Ledger) rides ing of Dylan’s creative history. icon. Arthur (Ben Whishaw) is motorcycles, loves women Dylan’s music is also covered the symbolist poet who serves and rises to counter-cultural by the likes of Cat Power, Tom as the fi lm’s de facto narrator; fame with his performance in Verlaine and Sonic Youth. Sim- 11 year old Woody (Marcus a 1965 biopic of the vanished ply wonderful, and certainly a Carl Franklin) rides trains and Jack. Jude (Cate Blanchett) is highlight of the festival.

riter-Director Cristian tion, but has been less than events sewn together with a 4 Months, 3 Mungiu’s dark Romanian thorough in her arrangements colour-drained effortlessness. dramaW 4 Months, 3 Weeks, with the criminal abortion- Mungiu’s gripping arthouse Weeks, 2 Days 2 Days received Canne’s ists. Her loyal friend Otila nail-biter is convincing in Palme d’Or earlier this year, tries to sort things out, but an every way, and one of the best Dir: Cristian Mungiu and this is justly deserved. agonizing odyssey of despera- fi lms this year. Though a bit There is a vivid texture to tion and terror ensues, set late in the day for the festival ★★★★★ this excruciatingly tense fi lm, against grim quasi-Soviet circuit, London being one of centred around a long night offi ciousness. There is no the last festivals to show the during which Vague Gabita is sudden crescendo; the whole fi lm, you really shouldn’t miss in search of an illegal abor- fi lm is a harrowing series of out on this one.

hotgun Stories revolves Jeff Nichols’ eye for the fl at, special recogniton. Indeed, the around an Arkansas family empty landscapes of America’s development of these seeming- feudS between three brothers. impoverished rural south is ly redneck losers into complex Abandoned by their father reminiscent of Terrence Malik. characters is quite extraordi- Shotgun Stories during their childhood, none of Set against this, the fi lm nary. Superfi cially, ‘Boy’ lives Dir: Jeff Nichols them have proper names, but meanders, slowly and grimly, in a car, attempting to run air rather are called, in descending through the slow and painful conditioning units from its ★★★★★ order, Son, Boy and Kid. Things downfall of both families. There cigarette lighter, yet by the end go awry when the brothers are some notable performances we fi nd a resilient but sensitive visit their father’s funeral, here from the likes of Michael man caught in the middle of a attended mostly by his new Shannon, Douglas Ligon and feud well out of control. Nichols family, who know little of his Barlow Jacobs, playing the has created fi lm which certain- past life. The eldest ‘Son’ ends three brothers, and newcomer ly doesn’t dazzle but somehow up spitting on the coffi n and Ligon’s performance as the keeps you mesmerised rather if all hell breaks loose. Director overweight ‘Boy’ deserves not hooked.

he cinematic horizon isn’t Vanessa (Renee Zellweger) and sitcom fame) with his fi rst all doom and gloom, as saves Barry from certain death venture into a crowded market. Bee Movie shownT in the animated offering when he is caught face down Produced by Dreamworks, the Dir: Steve Hickner, Bee Movie. Barry B. Benson in dollop of guacamole and animation is sharp, the jokes Simon J Smith (Jerry Seinfeld) is your average they soon form a bond. Barry is funny and the story just about “Bee next door”, who while on shocked to learn that humans silly enough to keep you smil- a pollen collecting mission for love to eat honey, and has half ing. No doubt it’ll go on to rake ★★★★★ Honex, the bee world’s honey- a mind to sue humankind it in at the box offi ce, but this making company, fi nds himself through the bee courts for their is a nice little number for those breaking one of his employers’ theft of such a vital natural who like only a little sting in cardinal sins by talking to resource. This is a big change their tale. human beings. New York fl orist for Jerry Seinfeld (of stand up

o-scripted with Roman Cop- brother Francis (Owen Wilson), Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Wes Cpola and Jason Schwartz- covered in bandages after a near- Anderson offers a quirky insight man and fi lmed in a country death motorcycle accident. Mid- into family ties with bizarre and The Darjeeling far from home, The Darjeeling dle brother Peter (Adrien Brody) hilarious interludes. The chaos of Limited still bears the hallmarks arrives smothered in anxieties India really adds to the fervour Limited of a Wes Anderson fi lm. Three about having a child with a of the brothers bonding session, American brothers, who have not woman he expected to divorce. with a beautiful yet unknown Dir: Wes Anderson spoken to each other since their Writer Jack, the youngest of the land offering the perfect back- father’s funeral a year previously, three, is obsessed with an ex- drop to the strange unfolding ★★★★★ set off on a train voyage across girlfriend, and constantly checks of events. Another triumph for India with a plan to fi nd them- his answerphone for messages. Anderson, and defi nitely one to selves and bond with each other. As in previous fi lms such as The watch as the closing Gala of the Architect of the plan is eldest Royal Tenenbaums and The Life festival. Arts Editor: George Grist Friday October 26 2007 30 REVIEW [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

Adapting Orwell’s Nineteen from Cat Gerrard and Dan Mar- fading spark of individuality. Nineteen Eighty-Four for the stage is an tin as Syme and Parsons, autom- The stage fortifi ed this theme ambitious and alluring challenge. atons sipping at the last dregs of with its daunting symmetry and view Eighty-Four It offers both the depiction of a their humanity while ignorant a palette of soulless beige and from the gods tyrannous empire’s actual and of the absurdity of their own al- metallic greys. This gave the brief ADC ontological authority within the legiance to the state. Jenny distortion of bedrooms an ap- confi nes of the stage, and the propriately uncomfortable lack of realisation of inconceivable intel- uniformity, and fi ltered the com- lectual and emotional behaviour pelling monochrome of the fi nal within the performance of the revelation. Disappointingly, the actors. Not to mention the video effects and loudspeaker problems of moustachioed Big system seemed comparative- Brothers, cavernous minis- ly cheap and un-persuasive, tries and carnivorous rats. not fi tting for soviet-style One of the most problematic It is these challenges which superpower. issues which we face at what constitute the generator The brave avoidance of increasingly seems to me a behind this powerful pro- contemporising touches, crossroads in cultural progress duction, and are to a large the surprising discovery mainly concerns the diminish- degree responsible for its of the comic implica- ing boundaries between the strengths and weakness tions of this paradoxical different art forms, and between alike. dystopia, and the brilliant art and reality. While the brilliance of the reduction of dense political This came to my attention silver screen can claim do theorising to the “two and whilst walking around Cam- to justice to a novel’s physical two are fi ve” mantra showed bridge, a town not recently fl ights-of-fancy, only the inti- impressive directorial under- noted for cultural revolution, macy of the stage can really do DYLAN SPENCER-DAVIDSON standing. when I realised the extent justice to a novel’s psychological While the theatrical re-imag- to which art is happening all depths. Ed Rice as the protago- Kenyon inings were too modest to justify around us. The old woman ru- nist Winston Smith embodied the gave a sincere and innocent the adaptation of the novel or minating outside Sainsbury’s intense inner confl ict of physical Julia, and yet her chemistry with to reaffi rm its signifi cance for whilst sitting on a high tricy- Dir: Emily Cook and vocal hypocrisy, the novel’s Winston Smith was never quite the audience, nonetheless, given cle, the strange suited young central concept. He masterfully convincing. Finally David Walton the adrenaline of the play’s man (albeit wearing trainers) presented the tragic oscillations gave an utterly compelling momentary gasps of ecstasy who jerked along to his iPod of the character: through libera- portrayal of O’Brien, and led the and anguish, perhaps the notion in front of King’s. I wondered tion and slavery, experience and superb interrogation scenes – his of intellectual accountability whether he was perhaps innocence, and most poignantly commanding restraint contrast- is better suited to next week’s ‘touched’. A friend less preju- Theatre from excessive love to unbridled ing perfectly with the crippled late-night essay crisis than this diced than myself countered ★★★★★ hatred. Winston, embodying the suffocat- week’s ADC main-show. that even the ‘touched’ may be Strong performances also came ing mass of authority against the Monty Stagg performance artists. Indeed, that infamous stalwart of our cobbled streets, the cycling homeless man with the radio, The play follows the experiences one point Anthony explains that crucial texture to the play which is the most obvious example. of two men, Anthony (Pablo when Lucien found him licking privileged the fantastical whilst Tiny Dynamite These unnerving people all Navarro-MacLochlainn) and the pavement, it was not a testa- preserving a close emotional point towards a troubling issue: it Lucien (Rob Carter), who take a ment to how debased his life dynamic. One of the greatest ADC is no longer possible to determine trip down to the sea-side for the is, proclaiming”I just liked the successes of the production was what is performance art and summer. There was something taste”. When a woman arrives to that the treatment of the subject what is not. The cycling home- unique about the treatment of deliver fruit to the men, events matter was not too serious. Mo- less man is an anarchist, and his such an unoriginal situation that from their past resurface and are ments such as the appearance of daily endeavours along the same one was never even aware of the re-examined. This culminates in fi refl ies, car headlights, and the route constitute a statement clichés. an interesting scene in which the cinema scene were playful and rather than a charming insanity. An accident in which An- conclusion of the story is invent- very effective. This should surely merit a room thony was struck by lightning ed onstage. On occasion the awkwardness in the Tate Britain this winter, if and the suicide of a close friend The stylised movement provid- which was so necessary early Dir: Kate O’Connor the room was big enough to cycle cause a tangible tension in ed energy which the play slightly on was too prevalent and the around, and the judges of the their relationship. Lucien is in lacked towards the end, and silences too portentous, and the Turner prize prepared to accept risk-assessment and Anthony is Strictly-Come-Dancing scene dialogue too consistently loud, someone who might not be ready homeless. The crude symbolism changes with irritating muzak but this wasn’t enough to detract to spout pseudo-intellectual of the former, and the contrast had an unnerving effect. from this well-acted, well-direct- Theatre justifi cations to the half-cynical- between the two may have Touches of absurdism such as ed and simply enjoyable play. ★★★★★ half-delighted press. seemed too awkward a device, forks suspended from the ceiling As we approach a fortnight but it was explored with care. At and falling sandwiches added a Ted Decomine at the ADC which comprises of another adaptation of a chil- dren’s classic, attractive only to those gluttons for a rather preco- cious ironic appreciation of their childhood (which, one suspects, Footlights’ Virgin Smoker probably peaked with Roald Dahl). This is followed by a ADC mainshow of equally problematic artistic potential, one of the most hackneyed musicals of all time Theatre (which may have proven to be ★★★★★ only too tragically pertinent for those who auditioned unsuccess- Footlights really do take a risk Most of the twenty acts were That these lows were so be seeing these two gentlemen fully).It is not my intention to when putting on a Virgin Smok- reasonably good, but I will share evident was due only to the being very funny again in the criticise these shows in advance; er: over 20 “comic” acts take the with you my cut for the very best exceptional standard of some future. however, it seems that it is the stage with nothing in common and the worst of the virgins. of the comedians. Pete Riley, in Abigail, a fresh face hailing ADC late-shows which are over- except their virginities and the Firstly, a general point; gin- the role of Malcolm Platoon, is from Girton, managed to avoid shadowing their earlier counter- enthusiasm of young hamsters. ger haired people comparing well versed in stand up, having the pitfalls commonly associated parts in diversity and interest. Tuesday night’s Virgin Smoker themselves to Ron Weasley lacks once headed up the Durham with female stand-ups: she did This week’s ‘Tiny Dynamite’, ‘Mr proved, however, that sometimes originality. This was proven by Revue. His performance made not talk about periods, relation- Kolpert’ and ‘Attempts on her such risks are worth taking. the independently drawn com- this quite clear: he gave a perfect ships, or diets. She did, much Life’ all associate themselves That is not to say that every act parisons of no less than three parody of the aphorism-spouting, to everyone’s amusement, talk with those sacred three syllables that stepped on stage showed carrot-topped freshers between ‘system-fucking’, moronic liberal. about zoology. The show ended for those with an interest in any- the comic promise that perhaps themselves and said wizard. To Equally worthy of mention was on a high, with Toby and Celeste thing which was written since Mitchell, Webb, Cleese, or Sword be avoided in future, perhaps. Nate Dern, who read a poem offering up a well delivered 1956, the Royal Court. once showed in their early at- Other things worthy of evasion about the kitchen utensils that pastiche of a kids’ TV show (the All that remains to be said tempts at being humorous. I do include mocking freshers for not he is like and unlike. His turn second, but unquestionably the is that anyone willing to be not even mean to suggest that having enough sex (implicitly of phrase and American accent better, of the evening). involved or simply see a play every act was good; members of propounding the unlikely propo- (tinged with neuroses worthy of By far and large, the perform- should stop concerning them- the packed audience did have sition that the comedian himself Woody Allen) made this simple ers lost their Smoker virginities selves with the title or the the pleasure of viewing some is having a lot of sex). That all of but quirky idea a real comic smoothly and without embar- number of songs or dances truly appalling comedy. However, the above featured very heav- gem. “I am like the toaster. If you rassment, which is more than needed to persuade the audience the general standard was high ily in the sets of two performers stick a fork in me I’ll electrocute can be said for many who have that the mediocre subject matter and it was a bloody good way to gave the show some marked low you” was one of my particular gone before them. will suffi ce. spend an hour and a half. points. favourites. We will undoubtedly Tash Lennard Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] REVIEW 31

albums every right-minded person Ian Brown should own Corn Exchange

Live Review ★★★★★

I’ve been told that it’s a good Despite this, I was the only would have liked to have been on tour despite the fact that John idea to start reviews with a person not loving it, and the converted. I have a problem with Bonham, possibly the greatest joke, so here goes: Ian Brown’s mid-set rendition of ‘I am acts trying to cash in on their drummer of all time, is very solo career. the Resurrection’ encouraged former greatness. The retroism much dead. Debbie Harry, once The Stone Roses are an infl u- crowd surfi ng, showers of and doe-eyed nostalgia of the most beautiful woman in the ential, important band, but the pints and roars from everyone the contemporary world, now plays biker-dykes The Queen Is Dead world doesn’t need its self-delud- around us. The song sums music industry is in fi lms about crystal meth ed lead singer peddling out bad up Brown’s current career: allowing once- addiction. The Smiths covers of songs mostly written, one man trying to survive by mighty old Watching Ian Brown and made great, by estranged resurrecting ‘classic’ material rock’n’rollers spend an evening mostly The Smiths were a phenom- guitarist John Squire. I wanted that will fi ll the beer-soaked to jump on failing to sing songs enon. In just four years they to enjoy this gig. But much like Ben Sherman masses with the band that he mostly failed produced six albums of the ketchup-fl avoured crisps, or Brit- enough drunken nostalgia to wagon, to write makes me highest quality and churned ney Spears’ live comeback (still forget that the songs no longer reform and want to listen to the out timeless singles like This got love for you, Brit) I knew it sound good anymore. ‘I am the bleed im- Stone Roses. Not for a Charming Man and How Soon was a bad idea from the start. Resurrection’ can still sound pressionable sentimental reminisce Is Now? with the utmost ease. The fi rst indication this was brilliant - on record. cool-hungry of better days, just to While the albums Hatful of going a similar way to Miss Brown fi nished on two fuckers like check whether they Hollow (a collection mostly Spears’ VMAs fi asco, was realis- more classics: Fool’s Gold and us dry. Brian might have been good of B-sides, better than most ing that the lighting design F.E.A.R., both incredible pieces Wilson was in the fi rst place. bands’ greatest hits) and Meat was better than the rest of the of song writing, both massacred undoubtedly Lowri Is Murder are classics, the performances. I could have by his complete inability to stay a genius, if a Jenkins band’s apogee came in their watched the crazy neon strips in tune or use any real words. nutcase; now 1986 album The Queen Is on their own: literally and fi gu- He changed the lyrics to Fool’s he is outshone Dead. Opening with a brief ratively they outshone every- Gold until they resembled a by his backing snatch of the 1916 standard thing else. Brown spent most of soup of mumbled cack; do not band. Led Take Me Back to Dear Old the gig fl apping maniacally or even get me started on F.E.A.R. Zeppelin Blighty, as soon as the title standing amidst his apathetic The strings, that are looped on want to track’s thunderous drums colleagues. Staring vacantly a frigging computer, were more go break through and Morrissey’s into the crowd, he looked like a competent than he was. At half-heard ethereal call of I mashed extra from Hollyoaks least they kept in time. don’t/Bless them fl oats over lost in a Klaxons video. Sorry, Ian Brown fans. I really the music, the listener can look forward to a work which stretches the defi nition of Surrealist author Guillaume the pulpit, the choir from the gal- great irony. The lead female/ what ‘indie rock’ can be. There Apollinaire wrote Les Mamelles lery. The aisle acted as runway male part of Thérèse/Tirésias is witty music-hall in the form Les Mamelles de Tirésias in 1917. Everything for bounding clowns, crudely was sung by Ruth Jenkins. My of Frankly, Mr. Shankly, an is alienating, everything is sense- caricatured “French” moustaches, choral co-spectators estimate invective against a former de Tirésias less, everything is funny. Breasts and women in the triumphant she reached a top D-fl at, and boss which includes the im- are balloons for bursting, babies throes of sexual rebellion. Per- she did so with an easy, bolshy mortal couplet Oh, I didn’t Great St are “conceived” of anything to haps the orchestra partially hid- subtlety which is rare anywhere, realise that you wrote poetry/I hand, Zanzibar inspires clowns den beneath the gallery was a bit let alone in a university church. didn’t realise you wrote such Mary’s to a shoot-out. In 1944, composer of a messy compromise, but their Spinal shivers made the cold bloody awful poetry. There is Francis Poulenc took his con- sound was strong and spirited, church colder whenever she sang classic 80s miserabilism in temporary’s work and set about and reached us without distor- her unremittingly demanding I Know It’s Over and Never blending it into an opéra bouffe. tion. The singers were invari- part. Jenkins never conspicu- Had No One Ever, although Literary concerns (“blood from ably impressive. Husband (John ously faltered in her vertiginous when done this well it can be an inkwell… A brain that stops Robb) and the gendarme (Gareth ascents and descents. To boot, almost life-affi rming. There him from thinking… A tongue John) made a charmingly absurd her face, her gesturing limbs, her is sunshine pop from the made for spouting drivel”) lie couple, Robb’s tenor fi rm, and gravity, possessed imperiousness, unlikely sources of Cemetry alongside those musical – pianos ascending appropriately at the audacity, and great beauty; her [sic] Gates and The Boy With and violins fl ying around and policeman’s lecherous advances. voice had all these in vivacious the Thorn in his Side, almost Opera self-referential calls to “Sing!” The futile duelling of clown- abundance. Here’s hoping she like the Beach Boys if Brian ★★★★★ This gem was performed by ish Lacouf (Gerald Beatty) and runs as fast toward an operatic Wilson read Yeats. They’re all CUOS last week in Great St. Presto (John Barber) joined the stage as her lungs can carry her. wonderful songs, but the triple Mary’s. Le directeur sang from orchestra’s dirge-like tones with Eleanor Burton crown of the album consists of The Queen Is Dead, Bigmouth Strikes Again and There Is a Overpowered begins, riding a her personality comes through Light That Never Goes Out, synthesized, farting bassline, it clearly, and manages to unite Roisin Murphy three of the greatest achieve- becomes clear that Murphy has the album’s infl uences. The most ments in the art of popular chosen a more electronic ap- prominent of these may actu- Overpowered music. Each one is a caustic proach. Collaborators this time ally be disco, when tracks like yet love-lorn poem set to an include members of Bugz in the Checkin’ On Me complement the intricate arrangement per- Attic and Groove Armada, and electronic effects with strings formed by a guitarist, bassist while they may lack Herbert’s and horns worthy of a Quincy and drummer who play as if pedigree, they are better at Jones production. with one mind, and sung by playing to Murphy’s strengths. The album drops off very a unique voice. Morrissey’s The album is a tour through slightly towards the end, un- world-weary persona may much of dance music’s history, able to maintain the rush of its have been lapsing into self- and Murphy always sounds earlier tracks, but it’s far more parody ever since, but on The comfortable, whether playing consistent than most contem- Queen Is Dead his emotional house diva on Let Me Know or porary pop or dance albums. power is shocking. There Is a Roisin Murphy’s fi rst incarna- eurodance siren on You Know Despite its tributes to music Light That Never Goes Out, tion was as the singer in Moloko, Me Better. Her vocals are given from the past, it manages to be a paean to death sandwiched best remembered for their hits more space, and they impress inventive and, crucially, every between the jaunty Vicar In Sing It Back and The Time Is more than ever. She sings with a song boasts a strong melody. A Tutu and Some Girls Are Now. Then came Ruby Blue, her new exuberance, especially over The album sometimes brings Bigger Than Others, was fi rst solo album, which was well the chunky synths of Movie Star, Madonna to mind (the synths the pinnacle of the Smiths’ received but a commercial fail- and reveals emotional depth on Footprints bear a great achievement; yet the whole al- ure. It was a collaboration with on slower tracks like Primi- similarity to those on Holiday) bum stands as an example to Matthew Herbert, who brought tive and Dear Miami. Murphy but the comparison favours the generations, emblazoned a wide array of instruments and rescues female singers from the Murphy. She’s raised the bar Album with the declaration that This samples and reinvented her as anonymity they often experi- high, and Madonna would do ★★★★★ Is What Music Should Be. an experimental pop star. ence in dance music. Despite the well to follow her example. Hugo Gye As soon as her second album importance of the collaborators, Daniel Cohen Careers Service event

ice Serv eers Car The Careers in Property Event 2007

An event run collaboratively by the Cambridge University Land Society and the Careers Service

IN ERS ARE TY A range of organisations are participating – from large global firms of Chartered Surveyors C PER PRO NT EVE through to regional UK firms and companies that use property for investment purposes.

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Participating organisations include: ATISREAL, AXA REAL ESTATE, CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY LAND SOCIETY, C B RICHARD ELLIS, COLLIERS CRE, CREDIT SUISSE, CUSHMAN & WAKEFIELD, DELOITTE, DRIVERS JONAS, D T Z, GERALD EVE, INDIGO PLANNING, JONES LAND LASALLE, LAND SECURITIES TRILLIUM, R I C S (Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors), SAVILLS, SCHRODERS. Entry is restricted to current University of Cambridge students (and recent alumni) – bring your University id card with you to this event. A cumulative, depersonalised attendance level from different years and courses allows us to improve our events in the future. Personal data will not be passed to anyone outside the University.

Marketing Fellowships 2008 Ambidextrous brains required

WPP is one of the world’s leading communications Consultancy; Public Relations & Public Affairs; services groups. Major brands include JWT, Ogilvy & Branding & Identity; Healthcare Communications; Mather Worldwide, Y&R, Grey, The Voluntarily United Direct, Digital, Promotion & Relationship Marketing; Group of Creative Agencies, MindShare, Mediaedge:cia, and Specialist Communications. They are all in business MediaCom, Millward Brown, Research International, to contribute to the success of their clients. And they do KMR Group, OgilvyOne Worldwide, Wunderman, so through a demanding combination of flair and slog; OgilvyAction, Hill & Knowlton, Ogilvy Public Relations intuition and logic; left brain and right brain. Worldwide, Burson-Marsteller, Cohn & Wolfe, CommonHealth, Sudler & Hennessey, Ogilvy We are looking for people who are intellectually curious Healthworld, Grey Healthcare Group, Enterprise IG, and motivated by the prospect of delivering high-quality Landor, Fitch and G2 among others. communications services to their clients. Those selected will work in a number of WPP companies and across Their specialist skills include Advertising; Media different marketing disciplines. Excellent long-term Investment Management; Information, Insight & career prospects within a WPP company.

To find out more, come and meet us on: Deadline for entry: 21 November 2007 Tuesday 30 October Wednesday 31 October visit our website and apply online 3.30pm – 6pm 6.30pm at www.wpp.com Cambridge Advertising Kettle’s Yard and Marketing Castle Street Communications Event Cambridge The University Centre CB3 0AQ Mill Lane Information leaflets are available from: Cambridge Harriet Miller, WPP CB2 1RU T: +44 (0)20 7408 2204 E-mail: [email protected] Friday October 26 2007 Listings Editors: Josh Farrington, Verity Simpson varsity.co.uk/listings [email protected] VIEWListings 33

fi l m theatre music other going out Grave of the The Fall of the House The Young Knives Concert by Trio Duplo and Firefl ies of Usher Fri 26 Oct, The Graduate, 19.30, Mediaeval: Folk Pins+Needles Present Sat 27 Oct, Old Labs, Tues 30 Oct - Sat 3 Oct, ADC £10 Songs Rocknroll Gypsy Newnham Gardens, 20.00, Theatre, 23.00, £4 - £6 Sat 27 Oct Trinity College Electro Grime free Chapel, 19.30, £6 - £16 Everyone likes a creepy gothic Wed 31 Oct, Kambar, £2 This week, the Newnham tale involving incest, catalepsy, before 11, £3.50 after, happy Trio Mediaeval, three Scan- hour till 11. Film Society bring us a premature burial and mental dinavian sopranos who have tragic picture following disorder (especially incest - a soared to the top of the clas- I thought that the title of the lives of a young boy bizarrely recurrent theme in sical music charts in recent and his little sister as they most of the books I choose to this event would fi ll up years, return to Trinity the box, but no. So, some struggle to survive in study), and this production of Chapel, where they decided pick Japan during World War Steven Berkoff’s adaptation more words about Duplo to turn professional. Their II. Brutally powerful and of Edgar Allen Poe’s story and Pins+Needles Present of programme includes tradi- Rocknroll Gypsy Electro beautifully produced, it’s promises to deliver them in tional Norwegian folk songs, another incredible dose of spades... Spades of dry earth As our interview proved, under- Grime (in the unlikely event neath the staid tweed of lead- hymns and medieval ballads, that the name of the event, anime from Studio Ghibli piled one-by-one atop your and is accompanied by Birger (also responsible for the coffi n as you frantically scrape singer Henry Dartnall, there unlike a popular wood-stain the actually lies the beating heart Mistereggen, a specialist on treatment, doesn’t do exactly brilliant Spirited Away, at the lid! Anyway, it’ll make Norwegian percussion. Wow. Princess Mononoke, and a suitably halloweenish night’s of a ferocious... bird-watcher. what it says on the tin). There Oh well. Apparently the tweed I managed to write this whole will be rocknroll, there will be Howl’s Moving Castle). It entertainment - just buy a bag piece about Scandanavian week also manages to be one of of Fizzy Fangs from a local is being phased out anyway, gypsy, there will be electro, leaving nothing but the art-punk women without making a and there will be grime. Also, the most touching war fi lms non-specifi c supermarket and joke about ‘Norwegian wood’. ever made. Disney who? you’re ready to go. tunes you all know and love. it is presented by Duplo and Damn it. Pins+Needles. Nice. friday Sicko Nineteen Eighty-Four The Young Knives Carol Bernstein - Paintings The Get Down Arts Picturehouse, 13.40, ADC Theatre, 19.45 The Graduate, 19.30, £10 and Prints Soul Tree, £4 before 22.00 16.10, 18.40, 21.10 Tiny Dynamite Knives Out (we wanted to use Clare Hall, 9.00 - 17.00 Friday Fez Bowling for Columbine ADC Theatre, 23.00 that as the interview headline, Lunchtime Concert Fez, 22.00-03.30, £5 before Arts Picturehouse, 23.10 but it wouldn’t fi t). Kettle’s Yard, 13.10 - 13.50 22.30, £7 thereafter Showcasing the best in stu- Generator dent musical talent. Kambar, 22.00-03.30, £3 saturday Grave of the Firefl ies Nineteen Eighty-Four Republic of Loose / Godfather Trio Mediaeval Sing Folk Instinct 26 Newnham Gardens, 20.00 ADC Theatre, 19.45 The Graduate, 19.30, £5 Songs Soul Tree, £6 before 22.00 Sicko Tiny Dynamite Trinity College, 19.30 - 21.30, The Indie Thing Arts Picturehouse, 13.40, ADC Theatre, 23.00 £6 - £16 Kambar, 22.00-03.30, £2 be- 16.10, 18.40, 21.10 World famous trio of Scan- fore 22.30, £3 with NUS, £5 Bowling for Columbine danavian sopranos perform Liquid People Arts Picturehouse, 23.00 traditional songs. Fez, 22.00-03.00, £6/£8 sunday Sicko Footlights Bar Smoker The Proclaimers Francis Davison, Collages The Sunday Service 27 Arts Picturehouse, 13.40, ADC Theatre, 19.45 Corn Exchange, 19.00 and Jack Shanahan, Club 22, 22.00-03.00, £4/£5 16.10, 18.40, 21.10 How far would you walk? Go on, Drawings Volver how far? Huh? Huh? Kettle’s Yard, 11.30 - 17.00 Arts Picturehouse, 12.00 The Counterfeiters Arts Picturehouse, 16.20 monday Sicko Who even likes the fucking Los Campesinos! / You Say Masaaki Suzuki and Carolyn Fat Poppadaddy’s 28 Arts Picturehouse, 13.40, theatre anyway? Party! We Say Die! Sampson Fez, 22.00-03.30 £3/£4 16.10, 18.40, 21.10 The Graduate, 20.00 West Road Concert Hall, Renacimiento The Counterfeiters You! Me! Dancing! I freakin’ 19.30, £14 - £27 Soul Tree, free before 23.00, Arts Picturehouse, 16.20 love this band! Another Bach-attack. £3/£4 after 00.00

tuesday The Witnesses James and the Giant Peach MC Lars / Last Letter Read Birkbeck lectures - Inventing Wake Up Screaming 29 Arts Picturehouse, 14.15, ADC Theatre, 19.00 The Graduate, 19.30, £7 the counter-reformation: Kambar, 21.00 - 02.00 £3.50 18.45 Mr Kolpert religion under Mary Tudor Ebonics The Queen ADC Theatre, 21.00 Mill Lane Lecture Rooms, Fez, 22.00-03.00, £2/£4 Arts Picturehouse, 13.30 The Fall of the House of 17.00 - 18.30 Kinki Hogwarts Witches and Usher Lecture by Prof. Eamon Wizards Party ADC Theatre, 23.00 Duffy. Ballare, 21.00 - 02.00, £2/£3 wednesday The Counterfeiters James and the Giant Peach Tonight, why not listen to a CD CU Wine Society Presents Melamondo 30 Arts Picturehouse, 16.20 ADC Theatre, 19.00 instead? Bright Eyes is good. Joseph Perrier Champagne Fez, 22.00-03.00, free before The Witnesses Mr Kolpert Very good. Emmanuel, 21.00-23.00, £10, 22.00, £3 after 00.00 Arts Picturehouse, 14.15, ADC Theatre, 21.00 book online at www.cuws.co.uk SUAD! Halloween 18.45 The Fall of the House of Soul Tree, 21.00 - 03.00, £4 Usher ADC Theatre, 23.00 thursday Sicko James and the Giant Peach Beverley Knight Lunchtime Talks Spoonfed: Shy FX 31 Arts Picturehouse, 13.40, ADC Theatre, 19.00 Corn Exchange, 19.30, £22.50 Kettle’s Yard, 13.10 -13.50 Fez, 22.00-03.00, £6/£7 16.10, 18.40, 21.10 Mr Kolpert The Mules / Eugene McGuiness A talk about endangered Freak Off Once ADC Theatre, 21.00 The Graduate, 19.30 birds. I know. I know. La Raza, 21.00-01.00, £3 Arts Picturehouse, 12.15, The Fall of the House of 21.20 Usher 1 ADC Theatre, 23.00 More Film... More Music... Queens’ Ents A&E Los Campesinos! / You Sat 27th Oct Sicko Queens’ Fitzpatrick Hall Fri 26 Oct onwards, Arts Say Party! We Say Die! Picturehouse, 13.40, 16.10, 18.40, Mon 29 Oct, 21.10 (times may vary) The Graduate, 20.00 If you lost both legs in a car ac- cident, you might think that a After the thought-provoking study Yes, it’s an excitable grammar hospital was the best place to go. of Bowling for Columbine, and the love-in as the multiple exclama- But you’d be wrong - emergency dubious polemic of Farenheit 9/11, tion mark boasting bands come cheese at Queens’ this weekend Michael Moore moves on to the to Cambridge. I don’t know much would be by far your best bet. topic of healthcare - the patients about WSP!YSD!, but I do know Dress like a doctor, a nurse or a vs. the pharmaceutical business. that LC! are just about the most disease, and arrive early because Expect emotive music, grainy brilliant thing I’ve heard all year, this one is perenially popular. montages, and all his other classic and they haven’t even released an Drinks are dirt cheap and eminent- techniques. Cheap and politically album yet. If you gave sour sweets ly quaffable, and the music will be simplistic fi lm-making for idiots, a few guitars and a tambourine, literally the stuff of legends. Ex- and I’m on his side. it’d sound something like this. pect, once again, absolute carnage. Food and Drink Editors: Anna Wood and Joe Fowler Friday October 26 2007 34 VIEWFood&Drink [email protected] varsity.co.uk/food

Restaurant Review Tom Evans Can I get a table Bruno’s Brasserie please...? ★★★★★ It has always been a nagging ambition of mine to eat my As Anna Wood discovers, for a selection of Cambridge ‘celebrities’, playing the way through the presents given in The Twelve Days of Cambridge card isn’t always quite enough… Christmas. I’m not doing too bad. I once killed a dove by Professor Professor Germaine Varsity accident when I was playing a Hawking Alison Greer Food & game of Shoot the Dove in my Richard Drink better years - I ate it with the e e Gordon gang. If I ever get married (the Savoy Grill, Le Caprice, Ramsay Editor odds are stacked against me) London London Restaurant, e Ivy, then I promise I will make my London wife buy me fi ve gold rings London under the pretence that I have jealous fi ngers so each fi nger ANNA WOOD: Hello. I was just AW: Good morning, do you have AW: Hi, can I make a reserva- AW: Hi, can I have a table for needs one, then I will eat them wondering if you had a table for a table for two at 8pm tonight tion for two tonight at 8pm? two at 8pm tonight please? all right there in the church two at 8pm tonight please? please? GORDAN RAMSAY’S: I’m THE IVY: I’m afraid I have noth- before I even kiss her. The SAVOY GRILL: Um, I have LE CAPRICE: I can do you afraid we’re fully booked. ing free at the moment. geese a-laying will be harder, something at 9. something from 6 until 8. AW: Did I mention that I’m AW: It’s for the Food & Drink because it is always hard to AW: Sorry, I forgot to say that AW: I’m afraid that’s no good. calling for Germaine Greer? ditor of Varsity Newspaper; eat an animal as it gives birth. I’m calling on behalf of Profes- I am calling from Professor GR: I don’t think so (snorting) they’re planning to run a big Case point: cats. The swans a- sor Hawking. Richard’s offi ce. but let me double check...Oh, feature on where to eat out in swimming I can manage. The SG: Sorry I don’t know who LC: Yes, but I’m afraid we’re we’re actually fully booked. the capital. others are all fairly human that is. fully booked. AW: There’s nothing you can do TI: I’m afraid I can’t do anything (maids a-milking, ladies danc- AW: Professor Stephen Hawk- AW: No, that’s Professor Alison at any other time? I’m calling at the moment; we could maybe ing, etc) , but you can’t make ing, the great physicist. He Richard’s offi ce, Vice Chancellor on behalf of Germaine Greer; put them on the waiting list. an omelette without breaking really needs a table at 8. of Cambridge University. she did write The Female Eu- AW: No I’m afraid a waiting list some eggs. SG: Has he booked with us LC: Yes, but I’m afraid I’m still nuch. just isn’t going to work for him, While it wasn’t served in a before? fully booked. GR: Yes, yes, but whilst we’re his schedule’s really tight. pear tree (for which I dock a AW: Sorry, I’m talking about AW: Yes, I understand, but she all big fans, we still only have TI: You’d need to call back later star), the partridge at Bruno’s Professor Stephen Hawking. Of holds honorary degrees from 14 tables. We book 2 calendar I’m afraid. knocked one more culinary ‘A Brief History in Time’ fame. Peking University, China, the months in advance. AW: No, I don’t think you quite day of Christmas off my list. He’s been working on the basic University of Antananarivo, AW: Yes, but I’ve been on hold understand. It’s for the Food & Apparently the partridge is laws of the universe. He’s not Madagascar, York University, for over 5 minutes; I fi nd it in- Drink editor of Varsity News- meant to symbolise Christ asking for the world. He wants Toronto and the University of excusable that you can’t fi nd a paper; V-A-R-S-I-T-Y. He really because in Luke (13:34) Christ a table at 8. Is that really too Edinburgh, and in 2005 she was table for Germaine. She’s a very needs a table at 8. Have you not expresses his sadness over much to ask? He was awarded a appointed Offi cier de l’Ordre important client; she’s been on heard of Varsity Newspaper at the fate of Jerusalem thus: CBE in 1992 and he should be National, surely that deserves a Celebrity Big Brother! all? “Jerusalem! Jerusalem! How knighted any day now. little recognition? Does education GR: I can double check with TI: I’m afraid I haven’t but my often would I have sheltered SG: Sorry I’m afraid there’s count for nothing these days? Jean-Claude when he comes in. director will have. We’re more you under my wings, as a hen nothing I can do without a con- LC: I’m very sorry but I can’t AW: You can’t do another time? than happy to put him on the does her chicks, but you would tact number. overbook myself. GR: I’m afraid not. waiting list for tonight though. not have it so . . .” This doesn’t satisfy, because just as a hen is not a partridge, a partridge is not a hen. They’re just dif- ferent things. And a hen in How to... throw the perfect dinner party a pear tree would be chaos. A nice song is immediately spoilt. inner parties are notori- As long as the company’s mood. For all that the Sains- the decoration should be re- With the exception of my ously diffi cult to get right. good, people won’t mind too bury’s Christmas Catalogue strained, nay, even classy. Can- guest (who embarrassed me DIn literature they are often the much if the food’s not up to might tell you that Katie dles are a must in Cambridge, by trying to drink his pista- scene of intellectual snobbery the highest standards. It’s wor Melua makes perfect dinner as they serve to illuminate the chio ice-cream from its es- and slight, whilst in soapland, th making an effort though, party music, it is important to beautiful mahogany panelling presso cup) nothing at Bruno’s the characters usually end up if only for your own smug remember that she does not. of the rooms (unless you reside spoilt my evening. The stroll embroiled in full-scale slanging satisfaction. Don’t overstretch Katie Melua is never permissi- in Robinson, in which case it’s across Parker’s Piece to Mill matches, often with the revela- yourself – ble in any circum- likely you reside in some brick Road made a Bruno-sized hole tion of some long-hidden secret it’s no point stances. EVER. shithouse of a hellhole). Dress in my stomach. The food is (I’m pretty sure that the “You’re planning an The music should the table well - don’t use those quality brasserie stuff, some- not my mother!” “Yes I am!” elaborate four be interesting – placemats that your Mum times cooked with a certain Slater episode in ‘Enders is fol- course meal Amy Winehouse/ bought in BHS in the ‘80s and spicy fl air courtesy of the fi rst lowed by some kind of food and if you only Winebox and Ru- palmed off on you before you chef, who came from South family get together). have two hobs. fus Wainwright left – pop down to The Pier and Africa (and recently returned To avoid disaster, it’s best Also, be sure are perfect, not buy some new ones. Nobody there to some acclaim). Wee to plan in advance. The most to cook within only because their likes to see their meat and sea beasties are often served important element of a suc- your range; go music will lend two veg slapped down on some in smaller portions than one cessful dinner party is the with tried and a certain drama outdated fl oral monstrosity. might hope for, so the decent guestlist. Being a third year, tested rather to proceedings If, once your guests have ar- serving of squid was more I’ve managed to wheedle out than something but also because rived, it feels like it’s not going than welcome for starters. the more boring characters in that has the they are interest- to plan, you have a few options. The duck for mains came in college to surround myself with potential to be ing personalities. If it’s a problem with the food, tender chunks, and though the a splendiferous group of witty a disaster on Katie Melua will put your hand in your pocket all-important partridge turned and intellectual beings. If, how- the night. Be never stimulate and order a mass takeout (it’ll out to be a little dehydrated, ever, you have not yet achieved sure to check any discussion probably be better food any- the beautifully cooked sweet such dizzying heights of social out any dietary other than how way). If it’s the ambience, turn potato and broccoli quenched perfection, it’s time to do so. requirements boring she is. the lights down a bit lower (it’ll its thirst. The £10 two-course Think back to all the events of your guests Winehouse and make those BHS placemats a lunch menu is defi nitely worth you’ve been to in the past year too – being a Wainwright will little bit harder to see). If your a try, as is a gander at the par- and then think of all the times veggie, it’s pret- probably start guests are a bit boring, encour- ty rooms for-hire at the back you’ve found yourself horren- ty annoying to conversations as age some kind of row (above of the joint. Go there soon dously bored. Now picture the turn up somewhere and realise varied as drug abuse, beehives all, your party should be in- before Mr Tesco moves on to people who were around at the you haven’t been catered for. and gay sex. teresting). Kat Slater or Katie Mill Road and has his wicked time. Those are the people you The ambience is crucial – Otherwise, the ambience of Melua? I know whose dinner way with the whole area. want to annihilate. Immedi- above all, it is essential to the event is largely down to party I’d rather go to. ately. ensure that the music fi ts the decoration. Unless themed, Joe Fowler Friday October 26 2007 Send in your problems varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWLifestyle 35

Aunty Amy Alex Englander talks to Solves your problems Madame le Claire

Dear Aunty, in different ways. Dear Madame Le Claire, Dear Madame Le Claire, They might I’m really keen to get in on the A good friend of mine is a college I just started Cambridge this year, not all mix, Cambridge am-dram scene, but there RAG rep, and continually pestering and I’ve made loads of amazing but that’s are so many good people and it’s me for money. I do like to give to new friends and I’m feeling really ok. Enjoy really competitive. Also, I don’t have charity, but I can’t help but think that happy and great about myself. The it! Variety much acting experience. Have you she’s making frequent and unfair only problem is that I’ve really is so spicy! My friend any advice? demands on my pocket. What should changed since school, and now I’m Sophie (she’s so nice, WP, Peterhouse I do to let her know what I think starting to worry that my home Sophie) started going sailing at without appearing inappropriate? and uni lives aren’t really compat- the weekends for a while in year 9. Real thespian talent is in fact rather TU, Sidney Sussex ible. I come from a small village We didn’t like it because it didn’t thin on the ground in Cambridge where there’s just one pub and involve Ribena and vodka mixes or and a little back-scratching should Stop being such a meanie. I’m sure lots of goats, yet now I’m going baggy trousers and ugly boys. But get you at the centre of things. And that your friend isn’t asking for clubbing twice-weekly (alternat- that was her choice and there’s no don’t worry about being an amateur; your bank details, and your letter to ing Cindies and Club 22 – mental!), accounting for others. you may surprise yourself. During me has clearly been written with a wearing pashminas and just really Now, one day (maybe a Friday?), her youthful gap-year in Boston, my Schaeffer pen. Though you may want living the highlife. My friends she decided to have a lovely party sister Colette was at an international to remind her that charity begins at from home are coming up next and invite us as well as her sporty academy and was roped in to the home: whenever I fi nd myself in need, weekend for my birthday and I’m friends. It was a huge-big disaster. am-dram society. Despite being most Monsieur Le Claire is invariably able worried about what they’ll think No one got on at all. They talked inexperienced, she managed to pull off to raise and give at will. of the new me and how they’ll fit about the sea and we called them Two Gentlemen of Verona without a in. My new friends here are super “The Rubbish Sailors” and I lost single prompt. Quite a feat, especially Dear Madame Le Claire, cool and seriously into drinking my house keys. But afterwards, we as she still had to work through I can’t get my winkle out/It’s a proper and lads and stuff, and my old had a chat and she explained that Twelve Angry Men waiting in the sin/The more I try to get it out/The ones really aren’t at all. Over my we were all her friends and she wings. further it goes in./I can’t get my gap year, I went travelling to poor liked us all for different reasons. winkle out/It’s a proper doer/Can’t countries and really grew up: I She told us that these reasons Dear Madame Le Claire, get it out with my little bent pin/Tell got more into fashion and tried reflected her varying interests and I live on an all-girls corridor and me ‘ave you got a skewer? weed and lost my puppy fat (there the sides of her personality and have to maintain the pretence of KK, Emma was a lot: my nickname at school that we should just accept this and looking immaculate 24/7. When I get was Huge Dog Girl). What do I that I should stop drawing atten- up early for a 9am lecture I tend to No, but dear sister Colette has a do? What will my two groups of tion to my keys dilemma and start have triple-glazed eyes and hair like dainty little brush with plenty of juice friends make of each other? thinking about someone else for Hiroshima without the symmetry, for basting. a change. And so everything was and so I check that the coast is Desperate Helen smoothed over nicely. clear before setting off. Yet the girl Dear Madame Le Claire, I’d try a similar tactic on your opposite always springs out of her I recently took to riding a bicycle birthday. Tell each group separate- room just in time to catch me. She around town. As a rather well ly that you’re really excited that has perfect hair and makeup, a Mary constructed gentlemen, I fi nd the Dear Helen, they’re going to meet your other Poppinsesque sunny disposition, and saddle dreadfully uncomfortable. friends. Say that you don’t think not a garment out of place. I think I To avoid feeling as though I was AHHHHH!!!!!!! they’re much like each other, but hate her - is this wrong? being struck between the legs with No, it’s not really that bad; I’ve that they’ve got you in common and LKR, Homerton a crowbar, I started to lean forward just been reading about someone that you think this should be more with my rear hovering above the else whose situation is much worse than enough to gel them or at least Not really. She obviously gets up at saddle. After some overenthusiastic than yours. Really, you’ve not got get them all a bit tacky. And then 6am just to get ready, so revenge peddling, this resulted in a horrible much of a problem at all. (Though, try to remind them that you’re seems to be in order. And not just imbalance, and I was hurled into the it’s funny, I do definitely really feel an interesting person with varied the usual techniques of defecating cyclist in front. Any solutions? for you, perhaps it’s just become tastes and friends to match. Say in her slippers and shoving pieces of GF, Clare instinctive with me now?) this last bit in a large pretentious caesium between the bristles of her Having dissimilar, maybe even voice to make everyone listen- toothbrush. No, you must actually This may not be as awful as you incompatible, groups of friends is ing feel small and therefore more sneak in and adjust her alarm clock, think. Monsieur Le Claire’s cousin, really very normal. We all meet inclined to agree. before waiting outside her door in Emile, met his future partner lots of people at different points in But just please don’t invite me as anticipation of a fl ustered and chaotic when they were both in the Tour our lives and within different con- I really hate awkwardness. emergence. As a fi nishing touch you de France. In a moment of frenzied texts. Just imagine how much this may like to invite the rest of your excitement he rode his front will all increase as you grow older. Best wishes my love! corridor to witness her shame. Your derailleur right into her pannier Try not to over-stress about your Your Aunty Amy fi nal victory will be secured as you rack. Though if you don’t want to birthday problem in itself: think of watch them systematically disown her ride ‘croupe en l’air’, then keep your it more as a tip of the iceberg. as a personal friend, because frankly rear block in place, hold fast to your It sounds to me as though you love Amy Hoggart is the KCSU Welfare darling, you all sound like a bunch of butted tube and, perhaps, purchase and relate to both groups of friends Officer. complete bitches to me anyway. a cushioned seat.

say Later that day... Episode 4 IT’S CAL... SHOULD I CAM I THINK HE HAS No!! Have you CONFRONT FEELINGS FOR LEE. told Lee? CAL? WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT IF I’VE Street TURNED HIM GAY?

HI JEN, ARE YOU AROUND LATER? SHOULD I TELL I REALLY WANT LEE? OR MAYBE TO TALK. DR PRETTIE? THAT’S AWFUL! The thing is, AND WHAT’S BUT KIM... I THINK it might not be GOING ON I’M PREGNANT. his... WITH CAL? ME TOO. SEE YOU LATER. No one does cinema like

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Cambridge University Students’ Union Ents Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 37

THE ANORAK Cambridge’s comprehensive fi xtures, tables and results service with Noel Cochrane

Results P W D L F A Pts Fixtures Rugby ST JOHN’S 3 3 0 0 47 13 12 30/10 Hockey MAGDALENE 3 2 1 0 29 23 10 Men’s Blues v Esher RFC, Women’s Blues 18-0 ARU GIRTON 3 1 0 2 91 33 6 away. Football Women’s II 3-2 Loughborough IV JESUS 2 1 0 1 25 6 5 Basketball

Men’s Blues 5-0 Loughborough III DOWNING 3 0 1 2 13 57 4 31/10 Mens Blues v Warwick, Men’s College Division 1 Men’s II 5-2 De Montfort IV Men’s College Division 1 HOMERTON 2 0 0 2 10 83 2 home, 16:00, Colville Road. 30/10 Homerton v St John’s, 14:15. St Catharine’s 1-2 Jesus 31/10 Women’s Blues v Oxford 30/10 Magdalene v Jesus, 14:15. Men’s College Division 1 St John’s 2-1 Cambridge City Men’s College Division 2 Brookes, away. 30/10 Downing v Girton, 14:15. St Catharine’s 2-0 Darwin Caius 1-2 St Catharine’s Caius 5-39 St Catharine’s Trinity 2-0 Caius Emmanuel 1-6 Cambridge City P W D L F A Pts Football Men’s College Division 2 Christ’s 2-3 ARU P W D L GFGAGD Pts ST CATHARINE’S 2 2 0 0 73 10 8 31/10 Men’s Blues v Coventry, 1/11 Trinity Hall v Pembroke, Fitzwilliam 1-1 Jesus home, 14:00, Fenners 14:15. CAMBRIDGE CITY 2 1 0 1 7 3 4 3 TRINITY 1 1 0 0 38 12 4 Churchill 1-4 St John’s CORPUS CHRISTI 1 1 0 0 4 3 1 3 PETERHOUSE 1 0 1 0 15 15 2 1/11 Trinity v St Catharine’s, P W D L GFGA GD Pts ST JOHN’S 1 1 0 0 2 1 1 3 TRINITY HALL 1 0 1 0 15 15 2 Hockey 14:15. CAIUS 2 0 0 2 17 77 2 ST CATHARINE’S 2 2 0 0 10 1 9 6 JESUS 1 1 0 0 2 1 1 3 31/10 Women’s Blues v Oxford 1/11 Peterhouse v Caius, 14:15. PEMBROKE 1 0 0 1 5 34 1 TRINITY 2 2 0 0 4 0 4 6 ST CATHARINE’S 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3 Brookes, away. ARU 2 2 0 0 6 3 3 6 CAIUS 2 0 0 2 4 6 -2 0 31/10 Women’s II v East Anglia, Modern Pentathlon JESUS 2 1 1 0 2 1 1 4 EMMANUEL 1 0 0 1 1 6 -5 0 Netball home, 12:30, Wilberforce Road. 27/10 Novice Varsity Match, home CHRIST’S 2 1 1 1 6 3 3 3 Women’s II 8-8 Nottingham II ST JOHN’S 2 1 1 1 4 5 -1 3 Men’s College Division 2 Men’s College Division 1 Table Tennis FITZWILLIAM 2 0 0 1 1 3 -2 1 Clare 0-2 Sidney Sussex Lacrosse 28/10 St Catharine’s v Cambridge 31/10 Men’s v Brighton, away. DARWIN 2 0 0 2 0 3 -3 0 Churchill 0-1 Downing Women’s I 13-5 Bristol I City, 15:00, Leys School. 31/10 Women’s Blues v Oxford, CAIUS 2 0 0 2 1 5 -4 0 CHURCHILL 2 0 0 2 2 12 -10 0 Robinson 7-0 Jesus II Women’s II 8-8 Nottingham I 31/10 Jesus v St John’s, 13:00, Catz 16:00, Fenners. Churchill 5-1 Clare Astro. Downing 4-1 Sidney Sussex Table Tennis 31/10 Emmanuel v Caius, 14:30, Tennis Men’s College Division 2 Women’s Blues 0-5 Loughborough Catz Astro. 31/10 Men’s Blues v Loughbor- Downing 3-0 Trinity Hall P W D L GFGA GD Pts ough II, away. Girton 5-0 Churchill II DOWNING 2 2 0 0 5 1 4 6 Volleyball Lacrosse 31/10 Women’s Blues v Oxford, ROBINSON 1 1 0 0 7 1 6 3 Kings 1-1 Selwyn CHURCHILL 2 1 0 1 5 2 3 3 Men’s Blues 3-0 Warwick 31/10 Women’s Blues v Exeter, 16:00, Fenners. Homerton 4-3 Sidney SIDNEY SUSSEX 2 1 0 1 3 4 -1 3 Women’s Blues 3-2 Birmingham home, 13:00, Queens College Pembroke 2-2 Kings QUEENS’ 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Sports Ground. Badminton P W D L GFGA GD Pts CLARE 2 0 0 2 1 7 -6 0 Badminton 31/10 Women’s II v Warwick, 31/10 Men’s Blues v Bristol, home, JESUS II 1 0 0 1 1 7 -6 0 DOWNING 2 2 0 0 10 1 9 6 Men’s Blues 8-0 Portsmouth home, 14:30, Queens College 16:00, Colville Road, Cherry GIRTON 2 2 0 0 8 2 6 6 Women’s Blues 6-2 Imperial Sports Ground Hinton. SELWYN 2 1 1 0 4 2 2 4 31/10 Women’s Blues v Cardiff, HOMERTON 2 1 0 1 5 6 -1 3 Rubgy Basketball Netball home, 16:00, Buntings Path, KINGS 2 0 2 0 3 3 0 2 Women’s Blues 31-0 Harper Adam Men’s Blues 83-86 Oxford Brookes 31/10 Women’s Blues v Birming- Burwell. PEMBROKE 1 0 1 0 2 2 0 1 Blues 12-33 Leicester Tigers Women’s Blues 62-56 Wolver- ham II, home, 16:00, Haverhill LONG ROAD 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 LX Club 13-19 Army hampton Sports Centre. Fencing SIDNEY 2 0 0 2 5 7 -2 0 31/10 Women’s II v Loughborough 31/10 Men’s II v Staffordshire, TRINITY HALL 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 0 CHURCHILL II 2 0 0 2 1 12 -11 0 Men’s College Division 1 III, away. home. St John’s 26-7 Downing Girton 12-13 Magdalene Games & puzzles Varsity crossword no. 472 Kakuro Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never Sampul, Hestia, and Bayeux (10) use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur 21 Christmas ain’t no ‘eaven (4) in the same row in a separate run). 22 Atosto, atosto, atosto, atosto, © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore atosto, atosto, atosto...(8) COMPETITION 10 11 24 French one takes the lead fol- Win a pair of tickets to the Arts Picturehouse 7 21 20 4 lowing a river -- everybody goes Re-arrange the letters by rotating the discs to create six 8 12 separate six-letter words leading in to the centre. Email your (6) answer to [email protected] 25 Two cardinals in 21 returned 4 5 and assassinated songwriter (6) 12 13 14 Body Parts 17 26 Greeting with “it’s nil” about his belief! (8) 21 12 27 Decline and fall (4) T GARETH MOORE 28 Tied as pictured (5) S 16 I 15 16 17 29 Champion drives in a certain O 11 12 direction? (4) P R 9 14 P O Down U L 6 9

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per row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally or T optimistic phrase? (4,6,5) A vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 6 Homer’s reason for abdication? © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore (7) 25 26 8 Foster’s doctor? (3,2) EDELSHAIN MADE BY ADAM 7 4 2 3 2 5 2 9 Loud novelist’s drivel (5) 14 Posh person ‘e knows, appar- 6 2 7 1 3 6 5 ently with money, might be this? Sudoku 27 28 29 (6-5) The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the 5 4 3 6 5 7 5 17 Carol’s fellow was 14 about digits 1 through 9 exactly once. 20’s meal? (9) © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 19 Edward held reign, it’s said, to 6 3 5 4 1 4 7 Across (4,2) be cultivated (7) 9 5 GARETH MOORE 1 Proceed and shoot (4) 12 Father to knock with a con- 20 Acidity in teens, unusual for a 3 6 1 7 3 5 6 7 5 1 4 4 Clumsy and inappropriate bow stant fl ourish (6) boy (7) capsized boat (5) 13 Leave during visit (head fi rst!) 22 Attention-seeker directed 5 6 7 8 2 7 6 1 6 6 3 7 Like a conditional statement of to member of tribe (8) drunk? (5) disbelief (2,2) 15 Artist’s work, that is (4) 23 Copper to start a dance (5) 1 9 2 3

10 Holding old lady endlessly 16 They are now pronounced in 6 5 4 7 2 3 2 / MADE BY www.puzzlemix.com beneath sunken warship (8) church? (3,3,4) 4 9 11 Somehow made OK to manage 18 Second attempts on record for Set by Carrowkeel 7 8 5 2 GARETH MOORE Last week’s solutions © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore

13 11 8 5 1 6 9 7 2 3 64 2 4 1 3 1 2 12 4 1 3 9 18 9 3 19 3 7 9 4 5 2 6 1 78 4 7 6 7 5 3 14 ACROSS: 1 STEM, 4 CRASS, 7 AS IF, 10 BELGRANO, 11 MAKE DO, 12 PARAPH, 13 VISIGOTH, 15 OPIE, 16 MAN AND WIFE, 18 TAPESTRIES, 21 NOEL, 22 OSTI- 8 7 4 1 2 16 6 2 4 3 1 8 9 7 65 5 3 1 4 2 2 6 24 NATO, 24 EXEUNT, 25 LENNON, 26 NIHILIST, 27 DROP, 28 DRAWN, 29 SIDE 5 1 22 7 8 9 2 6 5 8 4 1 3 9 47 3 6 5 7 3 7 5 8 4 6 10 10 DOWN: 2 THEBAN PLAYS, 3 MAGDALENE, 4 CLAPHAM, 5 AMOR VINCIT OMNIA, 6 SIMPSON, 8 SEE TO, 9 FROTH, 14 TOFFEE-NOSED, 17 WENCESLAS, 19 3 2 5 4 3 7 4 3 8 9 7 6 1 5 32 1 1 4 5 2 6 26 8 9 3 6 9 1 7 2 3 5 4 8 16 3 2 3 6 1 4 TRAINED, 20 STEPHEN, 22 OILED, 23 TANGO 9

2 8 / MADE BY www.puzzlemix.com 8 1 7 8 6 1 2 9 5 4 23 7 1 7 5 6 5 5 9 3 7 6 4 8 2 1 1 4 2 5 8 3 7 6 9 Sport editor: Simon Allen & George Towers Friday October 26 2007 38 SPORT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/sport

College Rugby Gamblers Tigers too strong CONTINUED FROM BACK PAGE For the first time, Girton heads Unanimous »Blues score two tries but bad start proves decisive started to go down and it began to look as though Magdalene might wrap the match up, but Ed Peace & this feeling did not last for long. Niall Rafferty Some bold and gutsy play by the Girton forwards, particularly the back row, put the side on the They say all good things must come front foot again, and it was only to an end, and so it was on Satur- the ever-present Magdalene de- day when Rio de la Plata sank into fence that kept them from scor- the Newmarket mud without a ing around the fringes of the ruck. trace, taking with him our hopes of After 15 minutes of similar pres- a fourth consecutive winning long- sure, both teams began to show shot. Things looked to be going from signs of fatigue and injury: bodies bad to worse with 45 minutes to go were strewn all over the park and in Newcastle’s match with Totten- handling errors started to creep ham on Monday night, as neither into the game. With 7 minutes to side looked capable of scoring the go, Magdalene fi nally broke and three goals necessary for us to col- Girton’s Andrew Welsh drove lect on the banker. We needn’t have over the line near the posts. Wes- feared, however, for Tottenham’s ton was not going to miss such an customary defensive capitulation easy conversion, so for the fi rst was just around the corner. time his team took the lead at 12-10. For the fi rst time this season our A lesser team than Magdalene attention turns to the Champion- would have given up at this point. ship. Barely a week goes by without Whenever Girton got the ball QPR on the telly, and we can prob- they were content to punt the ball ably expect to see more of them now back into their opponents half to that they can count on the likes of gain territory and run down the Naomi Campbell among their celeb- clock, but Magdalene kept coming rity fans. Their 1-1 draw with Ips- The Blues were initially overwhelmed by a strong Leicester side, but fought back in the second half SOPHIE PICKFORD back at them, led by some impres- wich at the weekend suggests that sive link up counterattack from caretaker boss Mick Harford has BLUES a textbook try from a left-wing the game. the back three. Desperate at- at least steadied the sinking ship, 12 overlap. Ian Humphreys slotted The second half saw both sides tack and defence from both sides but a trip to the Valley this week- the conversion and Leicester went miss penalty attempts on goal and ensued but it seemed as though end looks a tall order. Charlton, LEICESTER TIGERS ahead by twelve points. a period of stalemate as both sides Girton would retain their com- unbeaten at home so far, have also Having suffered during the open- refused to give a yard in the hard posure as the last minute ticked been ruthless against the divison’s 33 ing stages of the game, the Blues fought contest. However, the slight down, but in the last play of the lesser lights, winning fi ve of their George Towers regrouped and fought back. Some edge of the visiting side told af- game, Girton’s desperation to six games against sides in the bot- Chief Sports Editor excellent performances from John ter sixteen minutes when a Tigers close out the game led them to tom half. The Addicks aren’t much Blaikie, whose experience shone fl anker sneaked through to score give away a penalty. Despite be- of a price to win the game of course, With just fi ve games remaining be- through, along with Trevor Boynton their fi nal points of the game. With a ing well outside the twenty-two, so backing a game full of goals looks fore the Varsity Match and following and the fl anking pair of Astbury and commanding lead of 33 points to 7, it Magdalene’s kicker Jez McCann a better bet. on from a heavy defeat to Saracens Malaney, lifted the side and man- was down to the Blues to claw their slotted it home to seal a dra- This week’s racing selection takes last week, the Blues had a point to aged to take the game to Leicester. way back into the game. matic victory for his team and an us across the pond to New Jersey, prove against the Leicester Tigers During an intense period of forward Continued pressure fi nally pro- agonizing loss for his opponents. where Europe and America’s fi n- on Monday. play, right on the Tigers, 5m line, duced the goods for the Blues as a After the game, Magdalene’s est horses will be battling it out in The visiting team got off to a the Blues were unlucky not to come chaotic tap penalty taken by Andy captain Matt Tighe proclaimed the Breeder’s Cup. The Irish raider dream start, after a clean recep- away with any points. Wheble, just metres out, gave Joey himself incredibly proud of his Dylan Thomas, looks to be the one tion from the kick-off they ran three Having been denied points from Wheeler a try and dragged the score team, especially their defen- to beat, and we’ll be backing him to quick phases of play before sending tight play, the Blues opened up their up to 12-33. Despite the scoreline it sive performance and vowed clinch the spoils ahead of his Ameri- Matt Cornwell through on the break. game via some explosive running was a solid effort from the Blues; “Magdalene are in the fi rst divi- can competitors. The four year old Some quick rucking from a dynamic from James Wellwood, who was held once they cut out the careless mis- sion for good now and we’re out to has already chalked up a number of Tigers pack and they notched up the up just short of the line. Richard takes they looked a formidable make a mark.” With performances impressive victories in some of Eu- fi rst try of the game. Bartholomew made up for earlier outfi t, so hopes remain high for the like that against teams of the cali- rope’s most prestigious races this Things didn’t improve from the mistakes by crashing over the line Varsity Match, which is now fast ap- bre of Girton, this looks like being season, so he shouldn’t fi nd the qual- restart as the Leicester side scored to score Cambridge’s fi rst points of proaching. the case. ity of this race an issue. Our only concern is that he gets there in one piece and shakes off the effects of Parkside relays gala Schedule any jet lag by the time he lines up to Captain’s We train every Sunday night at do battle on Saturday. Peterborough ice rink and we also We head back to the Premier- Corner do dry land fi tness training sessions ship for this week’s long shot, where twice a week in the mornings on United will entertain a struggling »Ice Hockey Parker’s Piece. We normally play Middlesbrough. A clean sheet matches every other week on Fri- should be a formality for United: »Chris Hurn day nights. the goal they let in at Villa Park was only the third league goal they have Facilities conceded all season, and they have Cambridge doesn’t have its own yet to concede at home. Boro’s at- ice rink, so we have to travel quite tacking line also looks considerably a long way to Peterborough every less formidable following the depar- week to train. There’s currently a ture of Viduka and Yakubu. Mid- campaign to raise funds for a ice rink dlesbrough have already conceded in the city but such a project would 18 goals in ten games and Rooney, cost upwards of £10 million and cur- who has rediscovered his shooting rent funds already raised are still a boots of late, looks certain to help long way from reaching that target. United to a routine win. We’ve been in consultation with THE BANKER Evens the University about having land SOPHIE PICKFORD CHARLTON V QPR Chris is a 3rd year English student allocated to us in North West Cam- at Pembroke College. bridge but this is a long term plan. +2.5 GOALS £4 On Saturday evening the Parkside them producing some impressive pool played host to the relays gala. results. 5/4 Hoping to build on a whitewash The Swimming and Water Polo Experience Inside track on Oxford PREDICTION I started playing Ice Hockey for Oxford are not looking as strong as DYLAN THOMAS TO WIN at Varsity last year, the Cambridge Club is a vibrant club, thriving as my local Oxford City club when I they did last year, we however have BREEDERS CUP TURF £3 swimmers were looking to put in more and more take to the water a strong performance so early in for both leisure and sport. was eight and continued in progres- the strongest squad since we last sive age groups until I left school. I won the Varsity match 3 years ago, 5/1 the season. The next fi xture is a fi rst team THE LONG SHOT Cambridge’s swimmers suffer tournament to be held on Satur- joined the Cambridge team in my and the squad is very committed MAN UTD V BORO from the lack of a university pool, day, which will take place at Bish- fi rst year and I was actually captain this year. I’m hopeful for a Varsity MAN UTD TO KEEP CLEAN £2 forcing them to hire water time op’s Stortford College, where the last year as well. win. SHEET PLUS ROONEY TO SCORE at both the Leys School and Park- team hope to continue on from a The Blues’ next match is against the RUNNING TOTAL £32.17 side. However, this hasn’t stopped solid performance at the gala. Peterborough Eagles on November 7. Friday October 26 2007 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 39

News from the River

This past week was a testing week in every defi nition of the term. Six days full of the sort of workouts that most people try to avoid. These weeks are dreaded, yet essential, and as I write this I can only imagine the heat I will receive from my teammates for the innate hypocrisy in praising a week of testing that I did not com- plete due to illness. It started last Sunday, which, like most Sundays preceding it,and most to follow, involved two 5km race pieces in the morning, followed by a long recovery row in the after- noon. Being Sunday, this was fol- lowed by a third training session at TwentyTwo, which although slight- ly more, let’s say, “informal” than the two prior, was no less diffi cult, judging by some of the moves guys A computer generated image of the proposed sports centre for Cambridge JOHN BARROW, HOK SPORT were throwing down on the dance fl oor. Good effort all around. Anyway, back to the point. Mon- day was a day off, but in the spirit of making this week sound very Still nowhere to swim diffi cult, I would argue that it was a hard day off. Tuesday morning was a normal lift, followed by an on-water row » 115 years of sports centre struggle against university body that afternoon. In two weeks time we will be in London contesting the fi tness, within the university is port for their planned rink in West successfully lobbied for its inclu- Fours Head of the River, an annual Henry Stannard inhibited, since members have to Cambridge, despite a proved eco- sion in the Octocentennial Appeal, spectacle featuring over fi ve hun- Sports Reporter pay hefty subs and can only swim nomic sustainability plan which and has even passed over to the dred crews from around the world. in university training sessions, would see the facility eventually Development Offi ce names of po- Thus, most rows during the week It is Friday afternoon, and the and admits that every year “there yielding a profi t to the university. tential benefactors to the project. were in search of successful Fours Women’s Blues Lacrosse team are people who do not take part We currently do not even own our However, a visit to the appeal’s Head combinations, which, as the are training for their upcoming because they cannot support it”. own sports hall, which means that website allows the potential do- name suggests, requires four men BUSA league fi xture. Only they Even Cambridge’s current gym clubs such as Fencing have to pay nor to give to any number of listed per boat rather than the traditional don’t have a set pitch, so they facilities have been described by to use Kelsey Kerridge, whilst institutions, including the ADC eight necessary on Boat Race day. have to rent Trinity’s pitches. But current Blues captains as, “abys- competing with Cambridge resi- Theatre, the Fitzwilliam Museum Ah, Wednesday. Wednesday they cannot use them for train- mal” and “woefully inadequate”. dents for access. and Kettle’s Yard, but nothing morning played host to one of our ing, so today they’re on Jesus There are no windows and no effec- Compare our situation to our sport-related, even though it is coaches’ favourite weapons of Green avoiding dog walkers and tive air conditioning, which leaves rivals across the Fens. Oxford one of the listed aims of the cam- analysis, the 30-minute test. Kip their leavings on a pitch marked the air, in the words of Ice Hockey have a cluster of single-purpose, paign to improve sports facilities. McDaniel, one of last year’s win- out by cones. Their captain, the captain Chris Hurn, “viscous”. centralised pitches for university Whilst Mr. Lemons was unwilling ning Blues, once wrote an article England-capped Alex Carnegie- A visit to the inappropriately teams at their Parks Complex, to put a date on the project’s com- detailing the unique discomfort of Brown, sees the situation as named PE “centre” at Fenner’s a ten lane pool, a modern gym, a pletion, Gomersall was “extreme- the test. He expertly summed up the ten-minute interval between nothing short of ludicrous that is like stepping into a Secondary fl oodlit water-based astroturf and ly doubtful that it will be finished rows as, “the loneliest time of last year’s winners of the South- Modern from the 1970s. This not a sports hall. within ten years, given the cur- your life”. There is no one to see ern Premier League, a team that only impacts on the superstars of Plans have been afoot to build rent climate.” you through when your legs start represents “the peak of British Cambridge sport, but anyone in a Sports Centre in Cambridge Indeed, there are many cases of begging you to stop. Although university lacrosse” should be the university who wants an up- since before today’s current under- Dons, and undergraduates, who this point may be debated: in the reduced to practising in an area to-date exercise regimen. College graduates were born. The current consider sport to be an unhelpful States I trained with a member of where vagrants regularly inter- gyms are, by and large, orientated design, to be built as part of the sideshow to ‘The Quest For A Re- the Mexican National Team, who rupt play. They could, of course, towards rowers and weights, and ambitious “West Cambridge Mas- spectable II.i’, and still believe the told me the Virgin of Guadalupe play on a synthetic surface, such other gyms in Cambridge cost up terplan” was fi nalised in 1999, and myth of the ‘lazy Blue’ who ma- talked him through such remorse- as those on Wilberforce Road, to £5 per session. Tony Lemons, has been ready to go ever since, triculates for three years of par- less times. She has yet to offer me however with only two in opera- Director of Physical Education, with planning permission granted tying before departing to coach her assistance. tion, and as yet no fl oodlights, it admits that “the world of exercise for a second time this year, after at a minor public school. Nothing Thursday and Friday saw a re- remains an impossibility. the time period of the original could be further from the truth, turn to typical training sessions, If some may deem lacrosse a mi- had elapsed. Costing £50 million with sportsmen frequently com- but the real fun was patiently wait- nor, unnecessary sport that does in total, it will incorporate a large ing out on top in tripos, not least a ing for Saturday morning. not need its own pitch, despite There are many multi-purpose sports hall, an Ol- certain Sam Mendes, who gained 2k day. For the rowers reading its full blue status, then consider cases of dons, and ympic sized swimming pool, ten- a fi rst in English, a blue in cricket, this, no more explanation is neces- swimming. There is documenta- nis, squash and fi ves courts, as well and later the Academy Award for sary. For those who stumbled on tion dating back to the nineteenth as a gym the size of an aeroplane best director. this article by chance and are still undergraduates, reading, I apologize, but there is century which argues for the hanger. The fi rst phase, costing As Mr. Lemons says, “we’re not who consider sport not much I can do to describe just building of a university pool, with £20 million, will be to build just the trying to build anything unusual how miserable these are. I would an article in the Cambridge review to be an unhelpful sports hall, gym and changing fa- here” - a sports centre is now a like to claim that it’s like giving of 1892 stating that “when it is re- cilities, will be ready two years af- necessity not only for universi- birth, but this would be ridiculous, membered that a swimming bath sideshow ter suffi cient funds are allotted to ties, but even for most schools. It having never given birth, nor in- is now beginning to be considered the project. It will provide a cen- is frankly a damning indictment tending to, yet I imagine it would as a necessity in most of our large tral base for sports, currently lack- of how Cambridge has focussed be a different sort of pain. Let’s public schools, it seems strange has become more sophisticated” ing in Cambridge, from which the on providing simply an academic leave it at that. Not a good time for that we are still without one”. and that a single college cannot colleges and indeed every member rather than an all-round educa- anyone involved. Henry Gomersall, current presi- provide all the facilities needed of the university can benefi t tion for its students that the most And I can imagine that the only dent of CU Swimming and Water for a truly modern gymnasium. The desire of some factions with- basic of provisions for exercise thing worse than 2k day (well, ac- Polo Club, declares that the fa- And heaven help other even in the university to hand over said that would benefit countless stu- tually, we’ve concluded there are cilities they are currently paying more minor sports, such as Ice funds, however, must be called into dents are still lacking. It is not many things worse, including child for, courtesy of The Leys School, Hockey, whose members trek all question. Since the plan for the too much to expect that any mem- birth) is throwing up in your toilet for a princely £18,000 per annum the way to Peterborough every centre was fi rst accepted, the uni- ber of a globally lauded institu- while the rest of your teammates are “rubbish” and that last year’s Sunday for training and have been versity has completed sixteen ma- tion such as ours should be able to test, knowing full well that you will whitewash in the Varsity Match fundraising for a Cambridge ice jor building projects, with dozens exercise in a modern gymnasium. have to make it up on your own in was achieved “despite rather than rink since time immemorial. They more in progress, or in the pipe- A £50 million one-off expenditure a week’s time. But I won’t, as I will because of the facilities we use”. have currently been pledged £2 line, for the near future. The PE should therefore be seen an abso- have the Virgin by my side. Spencer Griffi n Hunsberger He also claims that the growth million of the £11 million needed, department has spent years de- lute obligation to ensure that our of swimming, not just in terms of with the university supplying livering a sustainable and modern collective mens sana remains in competition but also for personal moral rather than fi nancial sup- plan to the university, has recently corpore sano. Friday October 26 2007 varsity.co.uk/sport

News from the Parkside Relays Gala SPORT Page 38 St Catz win SuperCuppers ST CATHARINE’S The narrowest win BROOKES, MILLS, GALEK 3 »Penalty in dying seconds seals victory for Magdalene BRASENOSE 2

Kevin Fletcher Football Correspondent

St Catharine’s welcomed Brasenose College Oxford on Sunday for the in- augural Oxbridge Football Supercup Final, both sides having won their respective cuppers fi nals. Brasenose College travelled en masse to Cam- bridge hoping to be the fi rst name on the soon-to-be-made trophy. The game started off fairly evenly, with a couple of decent chances for either side. Brasenose opened the scoring after twenty minutes when Catz conceded possession just out- side their area, the away side swiftly doubled their advantage moments later, punishing some indecision at the back. St Catharine’s had a few chances to grab a goal late in the half but some competent goalkeeping en- sured they went into the interval on the wrong end of a two goal defi cit. Despite trailing at the break, the mood in the dressing room was up- beat and the home side came out

SOPHIE PICKFORD for the second half resurgent and Magdalene’s pack proved stong at the breakdown and defensively solid at the fringes despite Girton’s pack size and weight advantage quickly pulled a goal back through close contest and turned out to be and territory: Magdalene’s fl y-half most of their powerful and heavy a well-placed Colin Brooks header. GIRTON an absolutely classic game of rugby and captain, Matt Tighe seemed to pack, led by Captain Andy Russell. With Catz throwing everything 12 that went down to the last kick. have the measure of his defensive They immediately took play deep forward for an equaliser and Brase- Despite perfect handling con- opposition and repeatedly caused within Magdalene’s half and de- nose retreating deep into their half, MAGDALENE ditions, both teams started off problems for Girton. His jink- spite continual big try-line tackles, it took a moment of individual bril- relatively defensively, preferring ing, tricky runs in the ten channel Girton’s pack eventually heaved liance from Dave Mills to force the 13 to kick for territory than put the stretched the defence and with over the line in the corner to level game into extra time. Mills con- Simon Allen ball down the line. Girton started the scores. The tight angle might nected beautifully with an overhead Chief Sports Editor to gain the advantage in this aerial have made Girton’s kicker Weston kick to lash the ball into the back of game, helped by the strong posi- Girton 12-13 Magdalene miss the conversion, but this might the net with fi ve minutes of normal Girton Scorers P W D L F A Pts tional kicking of their scrum-half have also been to do with the pro- time remaining. Tries: Russell, Welch ST JOHN’S 3 3 0 0 47 13 12 Alfi e Weston. Yet, despite repeat- fuse amount of blood pouring from Just as in the Cuppers fi nal, St Ca- MAGDALENE 3 2 1 0 29 23 10 ed periods of Girton possession Conversions: Weston (1) his nose at the time. tharine’s came out the much strong- GIRTON 3 1 0 2 91 33 6 near their opponent’s try-line, te- Magdalene Scorers Half time saw the teams level, er team in the additional periods, JESUS 2 1 0 1 25 6 5 nacious and gutsy Magdalene de- Tries: Bence, Gluck but Magdalene responded imme- and after only a couple of minutes DOWNING 3 0 1 2 13 57 4 fence denied them points. The vet- diately after the break. Sustained of play, a miss-hit Pete Galek cross Pens: Mccan HOMERTON 2 0 0 2 10 83 2 eran Rugby league Blue Sam Gluck pressure and possession prompted cruelly sailed over the opposing showed off his love of the physical gaps to emerge in the Girton de- goalkeeper bringing Catz a decisive Even though they have just been side of the game by repeated fringe fence. Magdalene’s breakthrough lead. Some solid defending in the promoted to the fi rst division, tackles and turnovers. good support from his pack and came through Sam Gluck, who was dying seconds gave St Catharine’s Magdalene College Rugby has a Girton started off with the ma- quick hands down the back line, fast emerging as a match winner. the win in the inaugural Supercup. lot of promise: based around a core jority of possession and terri- Magdalene scored through centre Showing a surprising turn of pace Brasenose were magnanimous in de- of very experienced players, they tory in the match, but it seemed Matt Bence. from a man of his size, he came out feat, joining the Cambridge boys for have already stamped their mark as though they lacked the clinical Girton would not be compet- of the back row to crash through the a few drinks in the pub, but trudged on the top division with a couple of precision to convert this pressure ing at the level that they are if centres and his momentum proved onto the coach back to Oxford bit- good opening results. However, into points; Magdalene however, they weren’t able to adapt their enough to carry him over the line. terly disappointed. It was a thrilling this ability would be tested all the did not display such characteris- game and going 5-0 down certain- Magdalene resumed the lead at game with which to mark the start more in their match on Tuesday tics. Midway through the fi rst half, ly seemed to galvanise them into 10-5 after a missed conversion. of the Supercup, and the competi- against Girton, a team who mauled they started to make their mark playing a more fl owing game; keep- CONTINUED ON PAGE 38 tion promises to grow in profi le and Homerton 73-5. It promised to be a on the game in terms of possession ing the ball in hand and making the prestige next year.