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Bush Proposes Hurricane Aid to Go to Wealthiest Floridians Residents Already Seeing the Trickle Down

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Bush Proposes Hurricane Aid to Go to Wealthiest Floridians Residents Already Seeing the Trickle Down 3 e su Is 2 bits , Wednesday, September 22, 2004 V l. o V The Slant BushBush ToTo GiveGive HurricaneHurricane AidAid ToTo w w w WealthiestWealthiest . th e sl an t.n et Floridians Seeing humor in natural disasters... Floridians Since 1886 INSIDETHISISSUE State’s Damaged Yachts To Steamboat Veterans For Truth State’s Damaged Yachts To Condemn Grover Cleveland FinallyFinally BeBe RepairedRepaired Dancing Queen Actually Eighteen, Not Seventeen Friend On Facebook Not Really Friend VIOLENCE School Shooting Leaves 6Certain Children Behind FORBIDDEN DANCE Student Mistakenly Attends 7Meetings Of Lambada Club BIRTHDAY Sarratt Forlorn After 8Disappointed Birthday Other News 2 Fucked Image 4 Bastard Confession 10 Around The Loop 11 Horoscopes 11 Advice Column 12 Top Ten List 12 2 OTHERNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 Madonna Visits Israel Freudians Bush To Impose Pop star Madonna is wrapping up a spiritual Fascinated With Golfing Sanctions journey to Israel this week. The diva, who Kirkland Hall On EU Following once authored a coffee-table book featuring For the third time this Ryder Cup Wipeout gratuitous nudity entitled Sex, has visited year, Vanerbilt's In response to the US' several sacred Jewish sites, including the Freudian Psychology record 18-9.5 defeat by grave of a prominent leader of Kabbalah, the class met on the lawn the European Ryder Jewish mysticism with which the aging icon outside Kirkland Hall, Cup team at Oakland has recently become infatuated. Madonna, Monday. "I really can't Hills, President Bush has ordered that all who was raised a Roman Catholic, drew explain it," said Professor Charles Smith. "I trade in golf equipment with the European criticism from those with common sense as was walking by Kirkland one day and I just Union be made illegal. The President's she made the pilgrimmage wearing less- stopped. I had this strange feeling, I knew it father, a regular attendee at recent Ryder than-pious designer garb and a giant dia- was perfect." Some students had complained Cups, is thought to have inspired this latest mond encrusted "E" to symoblize her new that it was too hot sitting outdoors, but the move. "My Dad saved these guys' asses in Jewish name, Esther. She will return to the professor simply moved the class into the World War II" said the President. "Well, United States to live her life of glamour and shadow of the administration building's maybe not Bernhard Langer's, but the rest materialism later this week. monstrous clock tower. The class' next of them. If they can't respect the efforts he assignment is to read Freud's Three 101 made and roll over and lose like the cheese- Hurricane Ivan Contributions To The Theory Of Sex. munching, limp-wristed, pinko Europeans Lonely, Depressed Days since they are supposed to be, we will simply have Ghosts Of Florida's Reform Party June 13, to take more drastic measures." Recent reports indicate 2004. that Hurricane Ivan, Nominate Nader You’ve had which has claimed 50 The deceased leaders of Florida's Reform this much Econ Department Condemns lives in the US alone, is Party rose from their graves this week to get time to 'CampusFood.com' Nader on the state’s presi- legally The Vanderbilt Economics Department has suffering from severe sleep with loneliness and depres- dential ballot. The party, the Olsen condemned cam- sion. Ivan has even gone so far as to place a effectively dead since nom- twins. And pusfood.com for personal ad, which states, "SWH, bent on inating Ross Perot in 1996, failed. threatening to destruction yet a softy at heart. Seeking crossed from beyond the undermine one friend for dinners, dancing, blowing, maybe grave in a supernatural of the central more." Says the Single Windy Hurricane spectacle the likes of which have not been tenets of capital- Ivan, "Can you imagine what my Saturday seen since Ronald Reagan ascended to heav- ism. Campusfood.com offers students the nights are like? Nobody wants to hang out en earlier this year. The Florida Democratic opportunity to get special deals and free with a guy who gets his jollies killing chil- Party challenged the Reform Party's nomi- food at local retailers. "It's one of the basics dren and destroying homes." As of press nation, arguing that as the Reform Party principles of our entire economic system," time, Ivan was only able to seek solace were no longer among the living, they were said Professor John Vrooman, "There's no through playing chess with his internet not a true party and could not nominate a such thing as a free lunch. If buddy, who reportedly shares the same candidate. The Florida Supreme Court, campusfood.com gets its way, I will lose interests. "Rumsfeld69 is my only friend in however, cited the presidency of Gerald what precious little respect I still get from the whole world," wept Ivan. Ford as precedent that a heartbeat and brain my students. I mean, if they get away with activity were not necessary to hold office this, where will it end? Next they'll probably Emmys Top Tony Ratings by Three and ruled in favor of the Reform Party. try and claim that supply-side doesn't work." Sunday night's Emmy Awards, featuring sex- pot host Gary Shandling, once again trounced their rivals in ratings, the Tony Awards. ABC President David Berman Oprah Audience Gets Ass announced that this year's Emmy Awards topped CBS's June broadcast of the Tonys by three viewers. Reports indicate that these three tie-breakers include area grandmother Oprah Winfrey Gives Audience 40 Acres, Mule Betty Sherman, high school drama teacher Jacque Smith, and the guy who played Ben Audience members present at the last filming of Oprah received an on Growing Pains. "This is a real victory for unprecedented gift in the form of 40 acres of land in scenic Arizona and television," said Ben. "And it’s the closest I'll also a mule in response of her special guest, Al Sharpton. Oprah hopes ever get to the Emmy's." Tony Award chore- to bring attention to needy children in Africa. "Even though I'm from ographer Cecil St. Claire scoffed at the news Maine, I look forward to taking summer trips down my canyon-front that his telecast was beat in ratings by the property on my very own Sharpton mule" says enthusiastic audience Emmy's. "Come June 2005, they'll see," said member, Sharon Boyd, after donating $10,000 to the Oprah Foundation. St. Claire. "We'll have even saucier dance How the Grand Canyon, beasts of burden and Al Sharpton are related at numbers. And twice the Hugh Jackman!" all to children with AIDS in Africa is still a mystery. Oprah Winfrey MASTHEAD 09.22.2004 3 CONTENTS Spreading chlamydia... since 1886 188 Madison Sarratt Student Center CHILD ABUSE SPACE NEWS 2301 Vanderbilt Place VU# 351669 Station B Nashville, TN 37235 OTHER NEWS: Oprah Gives Ass, Audience Takes It . .2 Phone (615)322-3291 HURRICANE AID: Damaged yachts finally repaired . .5 Fax (615)-343-2756 website www.theslant.net POLITICS: Special interests not so special . .6 STAFF SCHOOLS: Only a few children left behind . .6 Editor-in-Chief Colin Dinsmore Managing Editor David Barzelay FORBIDDEN DANCE: Sex club has active dance life . .7 Editors Tim Boyd Ceaf Lewis Robert Saunders ELECTIONS: SGA Candidates melting away like witches . 8 Copy Editor Melanie Siemens Cartoonist Jason Carpentier COLUMNS & HUMOR Distribution Manager Andrew Collazzi HURRICANES: So what? . .9 Contributing Writers Evan Alston Chris Bellande RA DUTY: Residents are well behaved . .9 Thomas Broderick Greg Champoux Nash Cummins Claibe Deming DOG NEWS: Meredith writes another dog article . .10 Tim Flerlage Amy Fruehwald Charlie Fu Parker Gray Richard Green Justin Gregg AROUND THE LOOP: Why register to vote? . .11 Matthew Lavery Heather Miliman Mark Mollineaux Allison Roe HOROSCOPES: Da moon rulz, #1 . 11 Sarah Salter Rachel Unger Liz Vennum SLANT FEATURES Alumni Contributors Andrew Banecker Jacob Grier CARTOON: Genocide? Meh. .4 Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead Editors Emeritus BASTARD CONFESSION: Ghandi pigging out. .10 Joe Wong Mike Mott David Barzelay Meredith Gray ADVICE: Ask A Film Noir Detective . .12 POLICIES TOP TEN: . Russian government reforms 12 Back Issues Please keep all kids on leashes. Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a description of the issue desired (volume number and date, if possible) to the address above. Some issues are no longer available. For a back issue please email [email protected]. Subscriptions Mail subscriptions available for $30.00/year or $20.00/ Corrections: semester. Email [email protected]. Postmaster please send address changes to 2301 Vanderbilt Place, VU# 351669, Nashville, TN 37235-1669. In the previous issue, we mistakenly reported that former editors Andrew Banecker and Meredith DISCLAIMER Gray were remaining in the Slant office despite grad- This entire publication is a work of humor, parody and uating. Andrew is, in fact, living at home in New satire. You must be over 18 years old to read this pub- Jersey, drinking heavily, and Meredith is living alone lication. This publication and the content thereof does not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student in Arizona, drinking heavily. Also, last week was Communications, Inc. One copy of this publication is Meredith's time of the month, not two weeks ago available free to members of the Vanderbilt communi- ty; additional copies are available for five dollars each. If The Slant offends you, please do not read it. Support In the last issue, we published a column suggest- our advertisers, if we have any. ing that The Slant treats its black writers poorly.
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