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VIOLENCE School Shooting Leaves 6Certain Children Behind FORBIDDEN DANCE Student Mistakenly Attends 7Meetings Of Lambada Club BIRTHDAY Sarratt Forlorn After 8Disappointed Birthday Other News 2 Fucked Image 4 Bastard Confession 10 Around The Loop 11 Horoscopes 11 Advice Column 12 Top Ten List 12 2 OTHERNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004

Madonna Visits Israel Freudians Bush To Impose Pop star Madonna is wrapping up a spiritual Fascinated With Golfing Sanctions journey to Israel this week. The diva, who Kirkland Hall On EU Following once authored a coffee-table book featuring For the third time this Ryder Cup Wipeout gratuitous nudity entitled Sex, has visited year, Vanerbilt's In response to the US' several sacred Jewish sites, including the Freudian Psychology record 18-9.5 defeat by grave of a prominent leader of Kabbalah, the class met on the lawn the European Ryder Jewish mysticism with which the aging icon outside Kirkland Hall, Cup team at Oakland has recently become infatuated. Madonna, Monday. "I really can't Hills, President Bush has ordered that all who was raised a Roman Catholic, drew explain it," said Professor Charles Smith. "I trade in golf equipment with the European criticism from those with common sense as was walking by Kirkland one day and I just Union be made illegal. The President's she made the pilgrimmage wearing less- stopped. I had this strange feeling, I knew it father, a regular attendee at recent Ryder than-pious designer garb and a giant dia- was perfect." Some students had complained Cups, is thought to have inspired this latest mond encrusted "E" to symoblize her new that it was too hot sitting outdoors, but the move. "My Dad saved these guys' asses in Jewish name, Esther. She will return to the professor simply moved the class into the World War II" said the President. "Well, United States to live her life of glamour and shadow of the administration building's maybe not Bernhard Langer's, but the rest materialism later this week. monstrous clock tower. The class' next of them. If they can't respect the efforts he assignment is to read Freud's Three 101 made and roll over and lose like the cheese- Hurricane Ivan Contributions To The Theory Of Sex. munching, limp-wristed, pinko Europeans Lonely, Depressed Days since they are supposed to be, we will simply have Ghosts Of Florida's Reform Party June 13, to take more drastic measures." Recent reports indicate 2004. that Hurricane Ivan, Nominate Nader You’ve had which has claimed 50 The deceased leaders of Florida's Reform this much Econ Department Condemns lives in the US alone, is Party rose from their graves this week to get time to 'CampusFood.com' Nader on the state’s presi- legally The Vanderbilt Economics Department has suffering from severe sleep with loneliness and depres- dential ballot. The party, the Olsen condemned cam- sion. Ivan has even gone so far as to place a effectively dead since nom- twins. And pusfood.com for personal ad, which states, "SWH, bent on inating Ross Perot in 1996, failed. threatening to destruction yet a softy at heart. Seeking crossed from beyond the undermine one friend for dinners, dancing, blowing, maybe grave in a supernatural of the central more." Says the Single Windy Hurricane spectacle the likes of which have not been tenets of capital- Ivan, "Can you imagine what my Saturday seen since Ronald Reagan ascended to heav- ism. Campusfood.com offers students the nights are like? Nobody wants to hang out en earlier this year. The Florida Democratic opportunity to get special deals and free with a guy who gets his jollies killing chil- Party challenged the Reform Party's nomi- food at local retailers. "It's one of the basics dren and destroying homes." As of press nation, arguing that as the Reform Party principles of our entire economic system," time, Ivan was only able to seek solace were no longer among the living, they were said Professor John Vrooman, "There's no through playing chess with his internet not a true party and could not nominate a such thing as a free lunch. If buddy, who reportedly shares the same candidate. The Florida Supreme Court, campusfood.com gets its way, I will lose interests. "Rumsfeld69 is my only friend in however, cited the presidency of Gerald what precious little respect I still get from the whole world," wept Ivan. Ford as precedent that a heartbeat and brain my students. I mean, if they get away with activity were not necessary to hold office this, where will it end? Next they'll probably Emmys Top Tony Ratings by Three and ruled in favor of the Reform Party. try and claim that supply-side doesn't work." Sunday night's Emmy Awards, featuring sex- pot host Gary Shandling, once again trounced their rivals in ratings, the Tony Awards. ABC President David Berman Oprah Audience Gets Ass announced that this year's Emmy Awards topped CBS's June broadcast of the Tonys by three viewers. Reports indicate that these three tie-breakers include area grandmother Oprah Winfrey Gives Audience 40 Acres, Mule Betty Sherman, high school drama teacher Jacque Smith, and the guy who played Ben Audience members present at the last filming of Oprah received an on Growing Pains. "This is a real victory for unprecedented gift in the form of 40 acres of land in scenic Arizona and television," said Ben. "And it’s the closest I'll also a mule in response of her special guest, Al Sharpton. Oprah hopes ever get to the Emmy's." Tony Award chore- to bring attention to needy children in Africa. "Even though I'm from ographer Cecil St. Claire scoffed at the news Maine, I look forward to taking summer trips down my canyon-front that his telecast was beat in ratings by the property on my very own Sharpton mule" says enthusiastic audience Emmy's. "Come June 2005, they'll see," said member, Sharon Boyd, after donating $10,000 to the Oprah Foundation. St. Claire. "We'll have even saucier dance How the Grand Canyon, beasts of burden and Al Sharpton are related at numbers. And twice the Hugh Jackman!" all to children with AIDS in Africa is still a mystery. Oprah Winfrey MASTHEAD

09.22.2004 3 CONTENTS Spreading chlamydia... since 1886 188 Madison Sarratt Student Center CHILD ABUSE SPACE NEWS 2301 Vanderbilt Place VU# 351669 Station B Nashville, TN 37235 OTHER NEWS: Oprah Gives Ass, Audience Takes It ...... 2 Phone (615)322-3291 HURRICANE AID: Damaged yachts finally repaired ...... 5 Fax (615)-343-2756 website www.theslant.net POLITICS: Special interests not so special ...... 6 STAFF SCHOOLS: Only a few children left behind ...... 6 Editor-in-Chief Colin Dinsmore Managing Editor David Barzelay FORBIDDEN DANCE: Sex club has active dance life ...... 7 Editors Tim Boyd Ceaf Lewis Robert Saunders ELECTIONS: SGA Candidates melting away like witches . . 8 Copy Editor Melanie Siemens Cartoonist Jason Carpentier COLUMNS & HUMOR Distribution Manager Andrew Collazzi HURRICANES: So what? ...... 9 Contributing Writers Evan Alston Chris Bellande RA DUTY: Residents are well behaved ...... 9 Thomas Broderick Greg Champoux Nash Cummins Claibe Deming DOG NEWS: Meredith writes another dog article ...... 10 Tim Flerlage Amy Fruehwald Charlie Fu Parker Gray Richard Green Justin Gregg AROUND THE LOOP: Why register to vote? ...... 11 Matthew Lavery Heather Miliman Mark Mollineaux Allison Roe HOROSCOPES: Da moon rulz, #1 ...... 11 Sarah Salter Rachel Unger Liz Vennum SLANT FEATURES Alumni Contributors Andrew Banecker Jacob Grier CARTOON: Genocide? Meh...... 4 Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead Editors Emeritus BASTARD CONFESSION: Ghandi pigging out...... 10 Joe Wong Mike Mott David Barzelay Meredith Gray ADVICE: Ask A Film Noir Detective ...... 12 POLICIES TOP TEN: ...... Russian government reforms 12 Back Issues Please keep all kids on leashes. Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a description of the issue desired (volume number and date, if possible) to the address above. Some issues are no longer available. For a back issue please email [email protected]. Subscriptions Mail subscriptions available for $30.00/year or $20.00/ Corrections: semester. Email [email protected]. Postmaster please send address changes to 2301 Vanderbilt Place, VU# 351669, Nashville, TN 37235-1669. In the previous issue, we mistakenly reported that former editors Andrew Banecker and Meredith DISCLAIMER

Gray were remaining in the Slant office despite grad- This entire publication is a work of humor, parody and uating. Andrew is, in fact, living at home in New satire. You must be over 18 years old to read this pub- Jersey, drinking heavily, and Meredith is living alone lication. This publication and the content thereof does not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student in Arizona, drinking heavily. Also, last week was Communications, Inc. One copy of this publication is Meredith's time of the month, not two weeks ago available free to members of the Vanderbilt communi- ty; additional copies are available for five dollars each. If The Slant offends you, please do not read it. Support In the last issue, we published a column suggest- our advertisers, if we have any.

ing that The Slant treats its black writers poorly. In Copyright © 2004, The Slant. All rights reserved general, we treat our black writers very well. We just Congress shall make no law respecting an treat Richie Green poorly. establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. 4 SLANTFEATURES The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 Fucked Image FROM THE EDITOR

So I think I'm getting When purchasing big, sick. Who knows with sharp knives, be careful of what. Maybe the flu, or the plastic bag in which strep, or the plague, or they are wrapped. maybe even something new. Actually, if it were something new, it would be pretty cool if they named it after me. "Egads, I've caught Dinsmore Disease," future pariah would say. I'm especially COLIN DINSMORE astounded that I'm the one who got sick despite the fact that, as far as I can tell, I'm one of the few people to wash my hands on a regular basis as well as keep my room clean enough to prevent its contamination by This random waste weird and ominous growths. Well, whatever my of space brought to diesease turns out to be, I'm going to end up going you by Riunute wine, to Student Health so they can give me that little the HOD of wines. pill they give to everyone (methinks a placebo) and let my body do most of the fighting on its own. I'm just mad that these vile little germs waited until now to infect my lithe young body; now being the time when I have a Slant issue to do, which is perilously low on content, and several tests to study for. They could have chosen to attack earlier in the school year when I had little, nay, nothing to do. I would have relished an excuse not go class then, knowing that tests were a long way off and I could afford to skip. Or they could have At least America has its waited to attack until Thanksgiving break, when I would have gone home and had a veritable staff of priorities straight. family members tending to my every need. No, instead the duplicitous little pathogens have decided to spoil my good health at the time when I need it most, at the time when my full alertness and virility are essential in slaying the demons of organic chemistry and art history. Alas, it seems I will have to face these challenges and doubtless others in a weakened state. My only hope now is that everyone else taking the test will be too hungover to do well and I'll just ride the curve. And what's the likelihood of that happen- ing? Hopefully next issue I'll have something more uplifting to talk about, such as the Cubs' acquisi- tion of the National League wild card spot, their impending domination of the post-season, and my subsequent gloating to my roommate, the dubious Marlins fan. Well, I need to wrap this up, so I'm going to end with a quick little shoutout to the Classics Department from my good friend, Cato the Elder, "Delenda est Carthago." Word. Carpentooning by Jason Carpentier The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 SLANTPOLITICS 5

Bush Proposes Hurricane Aid To Go To Wealthiest Floridians Residents Already Seeing The Trickle Down

by EVAN ALSTON angled her toward the news cameras, canes in a row, wondering for days if fine: “my mom told me that I just and asked her what her daddy did for my friends and relatives were safe, need to be patient and support our As millions of people in Florida a living. When she replied that her and going three weeks without any president and that everything would begin to rebound from the third dev- father worked in an automotive plant, utilities, I’ve gotta say… I can’t wait to be alright.” astating hurricane in the past month, Cheney then asked the girl where she wait! I mean, I’d like to have a yard When told of the girl’s support, President Bush is unveiled his plan for lived, continuing to avoid the inno- again or a house for that matter, but President Bush smiled and yelled disbursement of aid funds to resi- cent child's original question, but we can’t be greedy. Whether we get “Bush/Cheney 2004! See you at the dents. All funds are to be given to the before she could answer, he reminded any of the funds or not, I feel safe polls!” He then turned to Colin Powell wealthiest one percent of Floridians the little girl with a loving sneer, “you knowing that he’s our leader and that and gave the go-ahead for disburse- who, Bush says, “have he decides when or if ment of the funds to the “Coalition lost the most.” When my family gets fresh For Drier Republican Donors with asked if he meant that drinking water. I just Compassion.” those residents who feel bad that I don’t get After hearing about the hurricane were hit hardest by the paid more. You can’t devastation in the rest of Florida and storm would receive a imagine my kids’ the Caribbean, James added, “I guess I portion of the aid, resentment!” could have lost a boat or a pool-boy Bush added, “no.” Hardigan also or something.” The Bush camp, seemed to believe confident that Florida that benefits would Priority Aid is indeed “Bush be seen across the Country,” expects resi- board: “Oh yeah, it’s Distribution List dents to embrace the coming down in new relief policy, with Becky’s room too. Luxury condominiums unwavering loyalty. Shit… would you Stupid, stupid loyalty. excuse me? The dog’s Stately manors “Like a dog,” explained Yachtist who will receive aid. Yachtists not receiving aid. underwater again.” Governor Jeb Bush. He Multi-billionaire Summer homes continued, “You know, live in Bush country!” A claim to and owner of his own private island Beach houses I’ve seen a lot of people out here suf- which many newly homeless people off the coast of Florida, Wallace fering, picking through the remains of clapped. James had this to say about the poli- Yacht clubs their homes and belongings, but I Whether or not the Bush policies cy: “My villa wasn’t affected much know in my heart that my brother will will be popular might simply depend by the hurricanes since it was Five-star restaurants make things right again. And really, if on how well they are understood by designed specifically to withstand Tennis pro shops I had to pick the one thing that repre- the communities they will affect. gale force winds and it was situated sents the heart and soul of Florida, I’d When Miami resident Jim Hardigan at the top of the island, but I will be Spas have to say the high-rise oceanfront was asked if he believed that the hur- receiving enough of the hurricane Second, third homes condominiums. They’ll be back before ricane money would trickle down to aid to buy another helicopter for the Christmas. Don’t you worry, Florida, the average Floridian, he seemed opti- island heliport. You shouldn’t think Governor’s mansion Bush brothers comin’ atcha!” mistic: “trickle down? My acoustical poorly of me, though, since I’ll When asked by a seven year old tile ceiling is holding at least ten gal- probably end up just donating it all Upscale shopping malls whose home had been destroyed by lons as we speak.” to the Bush re-election campaign. Polo fields Hurricane Charley when she would Similar reactions were found Four more years!” have her old room back, Vice throughout Florida, with expectations After talking with the vice presi- Atriums, foyers, vestibules President Cheney kneeled down, of the administration at a surprising dent, the little girl who lost her clutched the little girl’s shoulder, low. “After being hit by three hurri- home decided that she would be Plastic surgery clinics 6 SLANTNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 Bush, Kerry Denounce Special Classroom Shooting Interests That Haven't Donated To Qualifies School For 'No Their Campaigns Child Left Behind' Funding Failure to offer support called Unamerican Some children left behind, in pools of blood by CEAF LEWIS, TIM BOYD before. The only children lost were by TIM BOYD In a rare moment of bi-partisan agree- those too fat to run away or too stupid ment, both campaigns have singled Residents of the Washington DC to take cover, and I and the rest of the With the President appearing to out for special condemnation those suburb of Alexandria, VA, are still Alexandria Bobcats say good rid- open up a consistent lead in the polls, groups who have failed to make sub- stunned following last week's tragic dance." both major candidates have begun a stantial donations to either major can- shooting of seven tenth-grade stu- Others are not so optimistic. series of ferocious attacks on "vested didate. Groups such as the homeless, dents at a local public high school, but Spokesmen for the Brady Campaign special interests" that have given sub- the tired, the poor and the huddled there may be some good news on the have denounced the Alexandria stantial financial donations to their masses yearning to breathe free have horizon. Perpetually underfunded and School Board's blatant disregard for opponent. Both George Bush and been singled out by both Republicans understaffed Alexandria High School students' lives. "We are shocked and John Kerry have made this subject a and Democrats as essentially "un- will be receiving federal aid for the appalled by Mr. Weiss's comments, key issue of recent TV-ads and cam- American." first time this summer, in no small and we recommend that he be paign speeches. Republican National Chairman Ed part due to the students who laid impeached from his lofty position lest Addressing a meeting of Strip Gillespie told journalists, "This is a down their lives. he cause irreparable damage to both Miners for Environmental country where we are proud of our According to police reports, the the local school system and American Destruction, President Bush told his rights, but with those rights come trouble began in a remedial social society at large," stated a press release audience, "My opponent's running for responsibilities. If you want to be rep- studies class. "In the middle of my lec- from the anti-firearm organization. President as the candidate of trial resented in the political process, you ture on the Second Amendment, two Unconcerned with the conflict, lawyers, trade unions and taxation. He have to make an effort to earn it. If students in masks got up, pulled guns however, local educators are attempt- thinks that this country should be you as a group cannot be bothered to from their bags, and opened fire," ing to bring the Bobcats into the handed over to litigationists whose make yourself successful, wealthy and reported teacher Rusty Fritz. Police twentieth century. History teacher sole purpose in life is to to prevent powerful, you are basically saying that efforts to identify the Peter Goldman out- good people getting healthified. you have no faith in the American killers have been less lined his plans for the "These aren't the sort of people Dream. that's pretty much what these than successful, but money: "I've always who should be making decisions so-called "dispossessed" people are local policemen have said how great it about you in Washington. The sort of admitting to. It's really quite selfish taken several African- would be if our text- people who should be doing that are when you think about it." Americans into cus- books didn't date good, god-fearing oil executives, evan- Terry McAuliffe, Gillespie's tody. "We call this the from the Coolidge gelical Christians and trigger-happy Democratic counterpart, largely 'D.C. Sniper' Administration. Now neo-conservatives." echoed his opponent's sentiments. Approach," explained they won't have to." Responding in kind, Senator Kerry "I've had it said to me that it's time to local officer T.J. Goldman's colleague accused the President of distorting the listen to these groups. B ut these peo- Williams. Larry Johnson added, campaign away from serious policy ple have been successfully ignored in "Sure, this is tragic "Other school dis- discussions. "You know, we need to political campaigns since the founding and all," explained tricts should seriously focus on the issues of the day, not just of our republic - why should I change Alexandria High consider applying the engage in cheap smears about my sup- that now? They just get in the way School principal Allen Alexandria solution porters. That's how we approached with their demands for substantial Weiss, "but now that to their funding prob- things in Vietnam," said Kerry, "this reforms of the system. Now, others the fattest and dumb- lems. I mean, look at President, who libels good loyal will tell you that ignoring them is est students have been liquidated, this what they tried at that one school in Americans who have handed over detrimental to free speech. Well, that's school, for the first time, has done Russia. Those guys are professionals." millions of dollars to my uninspiring just not right. We Democrats are well enough on standardized tests to Academics are far from the only campaign, who didn't even go to absolutely committed to defending achieve the minimal standard aspect of Alexandrian life benefiting Vietnam like I did, is seeking to dis- free speech for everyone who can required for accreditation and is from the students' involuntary sacri- tract this country from the issues it afford to pay for it." therefore eligible to receive federal fice, however. "Now that we can afford should be concerned with. As the campaign begins its final funding. sports equipment, we're adding a Incidentally, the way that my oppo- weeks, both sides have vowed to con- "We may not have as many stu- sharpshooting team," explained coach nent is trying to make my service in tinue to centre their campaigns dents now, but, to be honest, I'd much Sven Garland. "I mean, look at the Vietnam an issue in this campaign is around the "real issues" they can best rather have all these new Compaq surveillance tapes. Accuracy is an area shameful." condense into a catchy slogan, so as Presarios than a bunch of idiots. Trust in which the Bobcats are clearly lack- However, the two sides have man- not to accidentally get involved in any me, you may not see it now, but we ing, and this is a situation we should- aged to come together on one matter. real issues. are by far better off than we were n't have to tolerate." The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 SLANTNEWS 7 Dance Enthusiast Thinks He Flood Of Melting Candidates Is Attending Lambada Club Enter Race After Fall Rains Enjoys learning the club's unusual style of the Forbidden Dance Red Blob polling at 56% by DAVID BARZELAY next day, but in a much different place, by CEAF LEWIS live primarily in Kissam Quadrangle. and the dancing may be just as sweaty, It is believed that they will emerge International student Felipe do Silvo, but isn't nearly as disciplined and physi- Vanderbilt's Student Government from their lairs now that the primary a native of Brazil, came to Vanderbilt to cally demanding." Association elections were dealt a has run to completion. study Electrical Engineering, but lately, Some of do Silvo's hallmates have serious blow recently when a group Surprisingly, the one remaining he says, he has been pursuing another cautioned him that they don't think of horribly disfig- "normie" candidate, passion of his: the lambada. what he is attending are really Lambada ured mutants prospective Arts do Silvo has been attending the meetings. "They say the meetings are entered the fresh- and Science senator weekly meetings of what he thinks is not Lambada. I have met purists like men races after an Michelle Smoller, the Lambada club, every Thursday at them before, who think any variation in unseasonable rainy described as 7:30am in the Community Partnership the dance from the traditional Brazilian period. Speculation "vibrant, inquisitive, House behind Branscomb. Says do form invalidates the dance and makes it regarding these trustworthy, and Silvo, "As Vanderbilt's only incoming a bastardized form, a fake Lambada. I enigmatic newcom- true," has been pro- freshman from Brazil, I was both simply tell them, 'I love to dance, and ers has surged jected to come out pleased and surprised to find that a although I love the Brazilian style, I will amongst Vanderbilt of the primaries Lambada club was already in existence." go both ways if it means having part- intellectuals and with 96% of the The club, he says, has been in existence ners here." Mutant frontrunner. politicos. non-irradiated vote, since the early nineties, and has been But Felipe's hallmates continue to "Well, I was going to vote Fred mainly due to her foresight in lami- catering to students of all nationalities question his decision to attend the Levy for Peabody Senator," explained nating her posters to protect them who wish to partake of the Forbidden meetings. "They sometimes ask me, freshman Ashlee from the down- Dance. 'Felipe, why do you hang out with peo- Johansen, "but now pours. But do Silvo wasn't initially sure ple who are so gay?' But I tell them that I'm starting to like Student about the club and whether its purpose I enjoy being with people who can the platform pre- Government matched with what he wanted to get experience such joy and release. I tell sented by the radia- Association out of the dance. "I was skeptical about them they should attend some meet- tion-scarred apoca- President Andrew their authenticity and dedication," ings, and that once they've experienced lypse survivor on Maxwell, when explains do Silvo, "until I saw their logo, the Lambada, they too will be just as that poster outside asked his thoughts which incorporated all the colors of the happy and gay as the other members of of Rand. Sure, some on the situation, rainbow, symbolizing the many emo- the club." At this time, he says, none of call him a freak or a seemed optimistic tions dancers of the Lambada act out in his hallmates have accepted his offer. crime against about the new can- a typical Lambada session." Felipe says that although the nature, but I’ll vote didates. "It's great But Felipe says that he was initially a Lambada dance club members do expe- for anyone who let that the mutant bit surprised at how much the rience some hatred and discrimination me put Starbucks community is striv- American style of Lambada differed here, the American atmosphere of free- Moggle Srevonaon, candidate. on the Card." ing for leadership from the style he had learned. dom is far superior to that of his coun- The sudden influx of mutant poli- roles in the Vanderbilt community. "Although I was accustomed to experi- try. "Where I come from, mothers warn tics has thrown the Vanderbilt elec- Even if we don't have strong mutant encing the rhythmic embrace of the their sons not to participate in what toral process into a victories this year, it Forbidden Dance, the style the they see as an overly sexual, morally tailspin. Prior to the is almost certain Americans use is much more intimate repugnant dance. We dance in fear that torrential rain- that next year they and physical even than the once banned our parents will catch us and punish storms, the slogan can make fine rep- Lambada of my native country." us." "Condon's Got You resentatives from Felipe is also disappointed that the Though similar social mores exist Covered" polled McGill." Lambada Club meetings feature so here, he says, the Lambada Club exists with over 86% In other news, in much talking, and not nearly as much as a safe haven for enthusiasts of the recognition. But order to cater to the dancing as he would like. "They all dance. "The members of Vanderbilt's recent polls have suddenly burgeon- seem eager to share their feelings and Lambada Club come to the meetings, ranked "Cunoii's ing mutated popula- incorporate their struggles into their where they can finally be free to admit Gut Yuu Cuveieo" in tion, Vanderbilt dance, but I wish we would just dance their dance desires. Free from repres- the coveted number Dining will move more." At Lambada dances back home sion, they can act out their innermost one spot. brains, long an in Brazil, he says, "my legs would be Lambada fantasies." Remarkably few unpopular menu sore the next day from the sheer physi- "Besides," continued do Silvo, "if The last “normie” candidate. of the mutants have selection, from cal exertion of the dance." Now, on the what they do at those meetings isn't the been available for comment; those Friday nights to a much more popu- other hand, he says, "I'm still sore the Forbidden Dance, I don't know what is." who have agreed to be interviewed lar Monday night slot. 8 SLANTNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 Sarratt's Birthday Social Construction Of Hip-Hop/ Rap Ruined By 'Selfish' Class Revolutionizes Final Exam Rec Party Inside the New 'Trudat/ Aw-naw-Hell-naw' Tests by AMY FRUEHWALD Additional concerns arose from a fellow 'This is the worst birthday ever,' sobs Student Center sociology teacher who insists the test is just In an attempt to keep Vanderbilt at the a rehashed true/false exam. She expressed by JUSTIN GREGG Sarratt's situation. forefront of educational advances, sociology this opinion with the comparison, "You may "Hey, I know where he's com- professor Jennifer Lena unveiled a revolu- call your ho your babymomma, but she's ing from," said Old Man What should have been a joy- tionary new final exam format for the Social still just your ho, ya feel me?" Buttrick. "I mean, look at me. ous commemoration of its thir- Construction Of Hip-Hop/Rap class with Not only do some people think the test I'm on this campus for over 100 tieth birthday turned into a trau- her new "Trudat/Aw-naw-Hell-naw" test. itself is not as innovative as claimed, but the years, and here I am undergoing matic experience for the Sarratt This innovative test presents students with Biology department has also insisted that hip replacement surgery, and Student Center when hardly statements that are either factual or erro- they have been structuring exams to mimic nobody's even noticed. I've had anyone turned up for the party neous and must be identified as such subject material for ages. no visitors, no cards, no choco- this weekend. Instead, people through the use of rap terminology. “My final has always used format to lates - nothing." flocked in droves to the Vandy Students will have illustrate class con- But despite these words of Rec Center, which hosted a wild, an hour to take the cepts,” insists Evolution sympathy, Sarratt was incon- drug-fueled extravaganza. exam and will receive professor Daniel Funk. solable. "I feel like no one even In the words of balloon-rid- bonus points if they “By releasing ravenous knew about den Sarratt, come to the test wear- wolves into the lecture my birth- "All I want- ing a piece of bling or hall, students get both day. Rec ed was for Nike Airrr Frrrce a tough test, and a Center the whole Ones. Lena explains, "I practical application of ruined gang to think that tests should natural selection everything," come and reflect the subject mat- themes. Many students he sobbed. get funky ter in order to present run outside and climb "If he hadn't Nike Airrr Frrrce Ones, extra credit. with the the students with con- trees; others learn to thrown his 70s theme textual applications of the material." use tools to fend off the canines. It's not just party from at my party. The questions progress in difficulty. An good entertainment, it’s a learning experi- exactly five But that example of a statement students would be ence!” o'clock until douchebag asked to validate at the beginning of the In an effort to subdue the raging contro- whenever, Rec Center test, says Professor Lena, is "You can take versy, Chancellor Gordon Gee offered his then every- had to go the street out of the ho." Professor Lena opinion: "I don't have any problem with the one on and under- says, "The correct answer would, of course, new test. The name change is just the natu- campus mine my be 'Aw-naw-Hell-naw,' because, as every ral evolution of the true-false test. Back in would have dreams of A dejected Sarratt Promenade. true playa understands, you can take the ho my day, we called true-false tests yea-nay grooved out macramé outta the streets, but you can't take the tests," explained the University's highest and gotten funky with me. jewelry and tie-dye tee shirts." streets outta the ho." voice. "And to those who think rap-talk is a Honestly, did you see the bal- "I mean, how can I compete? A tougher test question on the most corrupting force, just remember, one day loons I had? For that many fuck- He just gets girls flocking to him recent exam asks students to decide Vanderbilt students will have to hire these ing balloons, I needed more so that they can exacerbate the whether the following statement is 'Trudat' people to work in their businesses' lowest people!" effects of their eating disorders or 'Aw-naw-Hell-naw': "You can't turn a ho paid positions. They might as well be At this point, Vandy-Barnard on the ellipticals, and you know into a housewife." If students do choose the exposed to it now." walked by with its popped collar all the guys only turn up because true, or 'Trudat' option, they are then asked But students have expressed mixed reac- and proceeded to bump into there are girls on the ellipticals. to explain why. "Why can't you turn a ho tions to the new test. "I'm really just creeped Sarratt whilst talking on its cell, All I can offer is the Baseball into a housewife? Cause hos don't act right," out," freshman Mandy Rocklin says. taking advantage of the campus Glove Lounge, 'intellectual' explains Professor Lena. "Suddenly all these old people are trying to rule that allows people using movies, and pretentious art Although only recently exposed to the rap. They reference songs that are all, like, their phone to disregard all peo- exhibitions. All I get is nerds public, the new test has already encountered three years old. It's like having to listen to ple around them. and beatniks." heavy opposition. Concerned mother Bunny William Shatner's cover of 'Lucy in The Sky "Typical," Sarratt huffed. "He The Rec Center itself was VonHampton is only one of many parents With Diamonds.' Basically I'm in hell." and the Rec think they are so unavailable for comment on the resisting the new test. "It seems to me this "I just don't like the precedent of tests' cool. Well let's just see who the matter, as it claimed to be too test is teaching kids to use gangster talk! I reflecting the material," continues sopho- students turn to the next time busy "working out." However, assumed they were teaching my son that more Jim Wheeling. "Do you think it’s too some other buildings on campus they need a courtesy phone." hippity-hop music is the devil." late to drop my Prison Life class?" appeared sympathetic to The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 SLANTCOLUMNS 9 What's The Deal With I Have The Best This Hurricane Ivan? Residents Ever!

by MOLLY TEMPLETON totally fine after that "storm" last Columnist week. They think I'm so cool! I just don't understand all these by LIZ VENNUM underage? But to my relief, they Everyone was all freaking out watches and warnings and other RA, Columnist assured me that they had decided to about this hurricane, but honestly, ridiculous interruptions of my favorite have a little mocktail party. You should why is it such a big deal? I mean, yeah, TV shows. The only thing people I was worried that being an RA have seen the look on my face! Oh, it rained for need to be watching is my cute new would be difficult. I mean, what if my those girls. Always keeping me on my a couple of knee-high galoshes with the hot pink residents didn't like me? What if they toes! They gave me a couple of mock- days, and I flower print. They're so cute! Thank didn't tails and I fell asleep right after that, was totally God for this hurricane or I'd never get respect my but as I drifted off, I heard the happy pissed to show them off! authority as laughter and booming music of whole- when my And oh my gosh, the other day their resi- some, non-alcoholic fun echoing down Coach they were collecting canned goods dent advisor the hall. The next morning I had such a umbrella and clothes for people devastated by and con- headache; I guess I must be allergic to blew inside the hurricane, but I'm just like...it's sumed alco- mocktails. Which is a shame, since the out, but your own fault for not having a hol or had girls have those parties all the time. other than stronger roof. If it's going to get blown their Some RAs encounter a lot of prob- that, who off by a little breeze now and then, boyfriends lems with their residents smoking cares? Just buy a new one! Don't come crying to cohabitate marijuana. Not me! My girls get high a little wind me! with them? I on life. No, they really do. When I saw and rain and enough humidity to I was really pissed that my friends have to Katelyn and her roommate, Lindsay, make my hair look utterly miserable-- Ashley and Devin from Tulane got out admit, I was terrified when it came kind of drifting down the hall with they must have really crappy con- of school for an entire week. That was time for that first-day speech. glazed eyes, my RA instincts kicked struction contractors down in SO not fair! If they get to go party, But it went great! They love me! The into gear-- had they been smoking Alabama and all if that kind of weath- why can't I? housing staff warned us RAs that the mind-altering substances? What was er can cause massive destruction. I mean, really. Have a real hurri- days after residents move in and before wrong with my girls? Did I need to take Sometimes I accidentally watch cane, with actual wind and every- school starts can be dangerous since them to detox? But no, they patted me the news, and it's just depressing to thing, where school gets cancelled, or most residents want to party with their on the back and assured me that they see all those people with their trailer don't bother! And if you interrrupt friends and imbibe. Not my girls! were high on life. What characters! homes looking like the inside of a frat The OC one more time for a storm They're so great! I asked if they wanted They told me they were on their way to house on Sunday morning. Why don't warning, I swear... to play some icebreakers so we could Taco Bell. I guess life sure gives you the they build better homes? My dorm is bond as a hall and they suggested hide- munchies! and-seek. We played forever! I was hid- Well, I would tell you more about ing down in the storage closet until 1 how great these girls are, but the liquor am and heard them laughing and store closes in a few minutes and I ivia cheering and having a great time play- need to run out and get some Pub tr ing out in the hall. Talk about bonding! Everclear-- one of my girls is a chem- ratt. And Housing was worried that my girls istry major and she's analyzing the vercuP Oak, in sar would break the rules. properties of grain alcohol and its reac- at the O Last Friday night, I was on duty and tions when mixed with different liq- at first it shocked and dismayed me to uids or injected into organic sub- hursday see my girls carrying those notorious stances. I'm so proud of my budding Every T red Solo cups down the hall. How scientist! could they break my trust and drink PRIZES!!! $2 Drafts!!! p. Advertise in The Slant ! starts 8:30pm shar circulation: 5000 come with a team. www.theslant.net/advertise 1 0 SLANTHUMOR The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 I Shit In Paris Hilton's Purse by TINKERBELL fedora I was cursed to endure. Canine Columnist Secondly, Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys fame. What a lascivi- Perhaps you might envy my life. ous and ill-mannered mongrel that Yes, I nibble at the finest of kibbles, one was. And yes - yes! I was kept in am a darling the room during their, how shall we of the say, goings on. For shame! I shall paparazzi, never be the same, never again be able and I am able to look at such simplicities as link to receive sausage or bullwhips in the same way round the for the rest of eternity! clock And lastly, the devil-whelp herself, concierge Paris. She may appear to treat me service at any well, but two months ago, she actually Hilton hotel. managed to lose me in her closet, for- Yet, I rue the getting that she had in fact placed me day I was in a hideously out of fashion and plucked from the supple and comfort- rather rank Ugg boot. And she calls ing teat of my dam to serve as a mere me Tinkerbell! Though the manhood prop for that sinister, tawdry bitch. evident in my bulging testicles of yore But at last, at last, I have my sweet are now gone, thrown atop some evil revenge! I have shit in her $2,000 veterinarian's pile of stolen masculini- Louis Vuitton purse! ty, does she not see my other distin- Perhaps you may ask why I harbor guishable male parts? Would it have such disdain for my wealthy, and by hurt to call me Bruce instead? some ill-thought accounts, glamorous So there, now you may understand mistress. Firstly, I cite the hat incident why I took it upon myself to defecate of June 2004. A hat! What self respect- in this season's height of fashion, ing member of the canine family monogrammed Vuitton. Much like wears a hat? Not even Benji ever Paris' breasts, some times it's the little doffed a chapeau, no less one as things that garner you the most atten- Starving KD gets so hungry she tries to blow-dart stray dog. hideously out of fashion as the purple tion. Bastard Confession Lambada Vanderbilt’s Gay, Lesbian, "Okay, fine. Maybe I ate a few things. So Bisexual, and Transgender shoot me.” Association

- Gandhi Meetings Thursdays at 7:30pm, Center for GLBT Life (behind Branscomb) Everyone Welcome! The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004 SLANTHUMOR 11

AROUND THE LOOP SLANTHOROSCOPES Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22) Bo knows baseball. Bo knows football. Unfortunately for People are calling this you, Bo also knows that you slept with his wife last week. the most important Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23) election America has Though you don't want to loan your brother the money, he does have a point - you can't spell "transvestite" without ever faced. Have you "invest treats." decided how you're going to vote? Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21) You will be pleasantly surprised this evening when you are the center of attention at your favorite frat’s party. Unfortunately, you will find out later that you, in fact, weren’t wearing any pants. Brett Henderson, Junior Ceaf Lewis, Sophomore Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21) Your current business ventures will fail and you will hate your life. You will, however, begin appearing at parties as a "Why should I vote? I "Just like in sports, I'll Michael Moore lookalike and make millions. But you'll still don't give a shit about vote for whichever of the hate your life. SGA." two candidates is the underdog. So, Go Nader!” Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19) Though you were not chosen to be a contestant on The Swan, surely your heartbreaking tale of ugliness will affect people's lives. However, it will mostly affect their lives in terms of continued pointing and taunting.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18) Aimee Callahan, Sophomore George W. Kerry, Junior Despite the message on the fortune cookie you have received, you are not a strong leader. In bed. Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20) Your life will take a turn for the worse after you discover that no, that wasn't lemonade. "Yes. But I'm a little con- fused about my Florida "I dunno - I feel so con- absentee ballot. I under- flicted." Aries: (March 21—April 19) stand why Bush is listed You're going to win a million dollars! Not that it's going to as the Republican candi- matter after the boulder incident. date, but why is he listed as the Democratic one as Taurus: (April. 20—May 20) well?" When possible, use the other computer instead. It has two monitors, both of which sort of work. E. Gordon Gee, Chancellor Michelle Davidson, Freshman Gemini: (May 21—June 21) Look out behind you! Just kidding, now look behind you. Too late.

"No. I'm still waiting to "Well, none of the candi- Cancer: (June 22—July 22) see if either candidate is dates seem to care about You'll be the next Steve Bartman, but instead of interfering willing to allow me a third the issues that really affect with a catch, you interfere with the structural integrity of a wife, then I'll decide." me. Like how my bridge. boyfriend is a complete douchebag for forgetting Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22) our 3 month anniversary." Windows updates automatically. Too bad your wardrobe doesn't. Nerd. 12 BACKPAGE The Slant - www.theslant.net - September 22, 2004

Ask A Film Noir Detective Top Ten Russian Dear Film Noir Detective, Dear Film Noir Detective, Government Reforms I'm looking for a man. A So does that whole "Private Dick" thing mean I don't strong man. A man who will get to see what's under your trenchcoat? call me "Doll." What should I Horny in Hemingway Stop exporting nation's hottest tennis do? Dear Horny, players. Curious in Cole I had to hit her twice with my ring hand to get her to 10 Dear Curious, release her death grip on my fly. The entire time, she Create new intelligence service called, As she walked into my office, I was crying, but all I wanted was for her to stop talk- "Seriously, we're not the KGB." knew she was going to be trouble. With hair like ing so I could think. Vincenzo "the Snake" was going 9 flames and a body that wouldn't quit, she threw open to bust my kneecaps if I didn't get him the diamond in Regional governors to be replaced the door to my office and shattered the etched glass twenty-four hours and I had no time for love. with robotic Putinators. that read "Sam Cross, Private Eye," in much the same Film Noir Detective 8 way I knew she would one day shatter my heart. Dear Film Noir Detective, Film Noir Detective Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Anger the United States so they Dear Film Noir Detective, Searching in Stapleton invade and install new, secure govern- I made out with this guy at a Sigma Chi party and I Dear Searching, 7 ment, because that always works. gave him my number. He told me he loved me, but he Normally I wouldn't have taken a case like this one, hasn't called me yet. What should I do? attempting to find a mystery woman halfway around Seize Eastern European states as a Lovelorn in Lewis the world. Then he slapped a hefty wad of bills onto 6 buffer to terrorism. Dear Lovelorn, the table. I recovered quickly and made arrangements I was younger and more naive then; now I know that to purchase an aeroplane ticket to Buenos Aires, Experiment with communism, an you can't depend on love. The only things you can where my benefactor was to provide further instruc- interesting economic theory proposed trust are your gun, your liquor, and yourself. Everyone tions. 5 recently by a Mr. Karl Marx. else will slip a knife between your ribs to make a Film Noir Detective quick buck, especially dames. I hate the dames. Dear Film Noir Detective, Doomsday device to be built in Film Noir Detective You seem like a pretty tough guy. Is it hard to keep up attempt to ensure mutual destruction. Dear Film Noir Detective, the image while only speaking in metaphor? 4 The captain's on my back about the flasher on 25th Writer in West Ave, and the commissioner is up in arms about the Dear Writer, Change national drink to something door-urinator on Hemingway 3. What should I do? His questions grated on my nerves as if they were the 3 less potent than vodka. Andrew Atwood finest mozzarella on a millionaire's pizza pie. But, as Dear Andrew, offended as I was, there was nothing I could do with More gulags, less onion shaped cas- One thing you learn about this city after fifteen years the police chief in the next room. I waited for the tles. in the business is that the city can be either your pompous dandy to leave and immediately cashed in 2 greatest ally or your worst foe. The urban jungle is a my favors with the local "organization." The next All changes not specifically mentioned center of decadence, where the darkest parts of man's morning they found him floating face-up in the river. that will set Russia back 20 years are soul come to light. I'm the one who exposes them to A man has to do what a man has to do in this gritty, 1 implied. the light of day. messed-up world. Film Noir Detective Film Noir Detective

Yay! You're invited to our Slant tea party! We love to play and we all bring our dollies. Except this Tuesday, my teddy has the flu, so he can't come. But everyone else will be there. Colin brings his GI Joes, but don't worry, I won't let them shoot guns at our Barbies anymore. We drink tea and eat little cookies from Rand. I have a new party dress and I can't wait! Please come or I'll make this pouty face and you won't be able to say no. The doilies are set in Sarratt 315, Tuesdays at 6:30pm.

Liz Vennum, Writer, Cutiepants