Issue 14 rosh hashana 5772 / 2011 Presented to you by Sister To Sister Editor’s Note I Know You Love Me Dearest Sisters, If you are anything like me, at times the verse “Ani L’dodi V’dodi Li” »»Shifra Guttskind can be a source of great inspiration. But at times, it can cause deep pain. I know You love me When I walk out of shul and see the women waiting outside to leave with I’m the apple of Your eye, their husbands, while I walk home alone…. When I go to kapporos and So why am I sad see the husbands waving the chickens over the heads of their wife and Why do I cry? children….. When I am at a family simcha and everyone goes to the mechitza to hear Kiddush from their husband, and I have to ask someone if her husband can be yotzei me…. When I come home from shul and am I know You love me not sure if I was yotzei shofar, and I have no idea what to do.... When I You’re at my side each day, walk in the street schlepping the boards of wood for my succah and I feel So why do I feel alone like every single eye on the street is focused on me and wondering where in Every step of the way? the world this woman’s husband is…. And finally, when I go to sleep the night after Yom Tov, feeling a tremendous sense of accomplishment that I managed throughout, kept my spirits up, gave my children a wonderful I know You love me time, and yet I have no one to share that with me. These and many such You carry me on Your back, instances are moments of intense pain. So why do I feel overwhelmed By all the things I lack? And at times like that I wonder, why does everyone have that special someone, and I don’t? And even more painful to me is, why is everyone beloved to someone, and I’m not? I know You love me And You feel my pain too, And so, I chose this as the theme for the Butterfly. I am not ignorant of So why would I ignore Your love the fact that the topic is so painful, but it is precisely because of this pain And cause more pain to You? that I chose the topic. I want to be mechazek myself together with every single one of you. I want to be able to teach my heart what my head knows. To integrate it deep within that although I am not beloved to any man down here, I am very, very beloved to Someone in Heaven.

It may be an easier message to internalize when things work out for us and we see His hand clearly guiding our path. It is surely much harder when things seem dark, hopeless, complicated and so very lonely.

But it is precisely at that time that we need to be mechazek ourselves. We need to remind ourselves of this verse over and over again. I am beloved. I will take a few minutes to focus, sit still, allow myself to feel His love, and slowly feel my love for Him in return.

Wishing you all the best - all the time! Yocheved Sister to Sister Mailing Address: 21 Shonny Court Lakewood, New Jersey 08701 Ksiva Vachasima Tova Tel: 718-338-2943 from all of us at Sister to Sister: Butterfly Email: Chanie, Shaindy, and Yehudis [email protected] 2 3 When I opened the door for him that frightened me. I looked at the alarm anything. An email that covers up more night, I knew it right away. He was in a clock near my bed. What time was it than it says, but still serves a purpose to My Beloved is to Me good mood. It would be a good night. He anyway - 4:00 am? That’s weird. What connect a lonely person to another heart. »»Chevy Schreiber took a fresh donut out of his briefcase and was he doing coming home at four in the With time, our emails got more and more handed it to me. morning? He surely couldn’t work until open. Or rather mine did. I began sharing “I was thinking of you today. I want then. It was so strange. But our marriage tidbits of my life, of my past and of my you to know how much you mean to me.” is so good now. He’s finally being nice to present. I told her I was a single mother I let the goodness course through my me, he really loves me now, I won’t say and she reacted sensitively. I would throw body. He loves me, he thinks of me. We’re anything to make him upset. He always out an incident I went through, and see a happy couple. Yes, life would be good. gets so angry at me when I question where it would land. It would land in We had very rocky times in our marriage, where he goes. I turned over to the wall a very caring heart. She was so soft, so but now things would be ok. It must and pretended to be sleeping. gentle, and so considerate to my pain. have been a difficult stage he was going It was the fourth night in two weeks. She made me feel safe. through, but now he’s back to himself and It was getting out of hand. How long The email conversations flowed into he really loves me. could I ignore it? This time I couldn’t phone calls. Each time I would talk We sat down to supper together. I fall asleep. I didn’t know what to think. to her, I felt she really heard me, really had prepared a luscious meat lasagna, I didn’t want to start a fight, now, when understood me, and just said the right he’s finally being good to me. But it was thing. Slowly, a pink fluff of hope spread How many nights getting too strange to ignore. I sat tensely within my battered heart. I had found on the couch, thinking, wondering, but someone who cared. We were becoming had I cried myself forcing myself not to think. Don’t go really close friends. there. He loves you. He’s busy at work. Or rather, I was becoming really close to sleep, wishing for You know that there are periods when one to her. I still knew terribly little about her is busier at work. present, her past, and her feelings. She such a scene, and At 5:00 he stumbled in. He definitely was a closed book. It hurt me deeply. wasn’t coming from work, that much was I brought it up to her, but she brushed now it was finally obvious. I saw it the second he opened it off, questioning me why I care. If she’s the door. He saw me sitting on the couch. being there for me, why do I need to know happening. He first registered shock and then anger. about her life? his favorite. I was glad I did. It’s worth Real anger flashed through his eyes and But wasn’t that what friends were making him good food; he’d appreciate crept into his cheeks. about? it these days. “Well, you didn’t trust me. You “Thanks so much for supper, it was wanted to see when I’d come home? delicious. How was your day today? What don’t you trust? I told you I have to I know nothing. How did the kids behave?” work late. What’s your problem?” That doesn’t make us He listened attentively as I described “But you said….” I sputtered. The the kids’ latest antics. It was a dream. words wouldn’t dare come out. friends, does it? We were sitting together, smiling, and sharing, like a real couple. How many ca It bothered me more and more, as nights had I cried myself to sleep, wishing the time went on, and I felt closer and for such a scene, and now it was finally After all these years, I had finally found closer to her, the gap grew more and more happening. her. I was alone, searching, wishing, for a glaring. After a few months, I discussed “Sarah, supper was such a pleasure friend. And I had finally found her. I had it with her, and she negated it. Not that with you. Nothing like spending nice time gone through the divorce alone, raised she didn’t care, she didn’t want me to with a wife.” He smiled a gentle smile. my three children for two years alone, feel pain, but she couldn’t understand “I have work to take care of late tonight. and wishing that I’d find a close friend why it meant so much to me. It really did. Don’t wait up for me, I’ll be home really I could confide in. I knew I couldn’t get How could it be? She knows so much late.” married yet. I was too traumatized, had about me, all my deepest pains, and all “No problem. Hope it goes well.” too long a recovery process still needed. my loftiest dreams. And I know nothing. It really wasn’t a problem. Nothing is a I didn’t want a husband just yet. But a That doesn’t make us friends, does it? problem if you have a husband like that. close friend, that I cried for. It came to a point that I could handle We had met at a business conference it no longer. It was during a long mid- I jumped up in fright. The door had and kept up contact through email. The night conversation that I brought it up closed so gently, so as not to wake me, type of friend you write to when you want again. She first tried explaining me her but it had startled me in my sleep and to connect to someone but not really say point of view. It didn’t help. After a few 4 5 minutes, she got exasperated. And then, There were ups and there were sun to revolve around. There was no light she told me with anger in her voice that downs. The path is never flat as a single left in my life. I will never forget, “You’re just going to mother. But Mrs. Leifer was my ananei Love of Hashem have to accept the package deal. Take it hakavod, smoothing the bumps that were ca or leave it.” par for the course. »»Rebbitzen Tzipora Heller And now I am left on my own. With those words, a piece of my heart And then, one ordinary Monday Without a husband. Without a true The long days and golden nights in reality, the only being that could be called These are the three things that died. It has remained dead ever since. afternoon, I sauntered into her office, friend. Without a therapist. I wonder if Yerushalayim are so unique. When you go One. How do you develop this sort of people want most in life. If a person is looking forward to an amazing session to the Kotel at midnight, it is as crowded relationship? He sets his goal as making ca my heart can ever possibly break again, missing any one of them, you can be as always. We chit chatted, and then she as you would expect it to be at noon! The this both real and pragmatic. because only something that is somewhat distracted to the point that you can easily looked serious and began to talk. Good therapist are not easy to come whole can break. I have walled myself in black sky and illuminated walls are surreal He tells us to take note of the fact that Sarah, I am really sorry to do this feel embittered. At that point go to the by. I had gone to a few therapists. Some “ tight. I have learnt my lesson. I will never as they blend. At midnight every night, a the commandment to love G-d begins to you. A therapist always has to be sure hidden “and” in the commandment “and lasted longer, and some shorter. But put myself out on a limb again. And I man announces “Nishmas” and tens of with the words, “And you shall love the that she is giving her client the utmost with each one, it came to a point that I will never be hurt again. I will be strong, people chant the prayer, “Nishmas kol L-rd your G-d”. What is the word “and” you shall love Hashem”. It tells you to fill they deserve. Right now, I am involved found myself investing more into making and lean on no one. I am shattered inside chai,” which appears before Yishtabach doing here? You would only tell someone, your heart with awe, and it can take you in a family matter that I feel will affect the the therapy work then the relief I was yet cover it up well. I need no one, yet in the Shabbos davening. It means, “The “and sit down and eat lunch” if you had beyond embitterment. way I deal with you. After much thinking, receiving. am desperate for someone. I don’t cry. I souls of all living things shall bless Your already given them some sort of previously When you step back, you can come serious thinking, I decided that it is time This time it was different. I found am too frozen to allow myself cry for the name.” The entire thing takes maybe five stated instruction, e.g., “Come into the for you to find another therapist. I know to grasp that the gifts Hashem gives are myself liking Mrs. Leifer as soon as I enormous pain within. Letting go is a or ten minutes. Then you see the crowd living room, and sit down and eat lunch.” it is difficult for you, but it is something I not as enduring or real as the Giver. Love sat down and she smiled at me. A smile luxury I can ill afford. I would have no thinning, but the magic still feels almost In this case, the original instruction isn’t ethically must do. I have someone I will of Hashem should be vivid. Imagine the that seemed to come from deep inside. A one to collect the tears in a cup for me. tangible. The last bus is at 1 a.m., and by stated overtly, leaving us with something recommend you to and I have already smile that seemed to pour warm water on that time there are no connecting buses, of a mystery as to what it is. vivid feelings of a supposedly infertile spoken to her for you. She is willing to an ice heart. I finally wanted to talk. so within moments only about half of the The unstated prerequisite is awe. You woman when she finds out she is take you on. This session will be a closure He is dependable. I began looking forward to Monday original group remains. The feeling is one have to be able to step back, see time and pregnant. Imagine the vivid feelings of a for us.” afternoons all week. I had a sanctuary. of relaxed elevation. It’s easy to let go of space converge, hold your breath, and She wasn’t for serious. She surely He will not leave person diagnosed with stage four cancer Her office walls were hallowed. The the “me” orientation that is so definitive give yourself permission to feel small. meant to make a joke, or maybe to test me, who discovers that the original lab results time was just mine. All the stresses of me, betray me, or of life most of the time. Only then can you draw close; until then or maybe to teach me some sort of lesson were wrong. Imagine the vivid feelings raising my three children alone seemed to Sometimes you can get so wrapped you are too full of self to see anything – but she surely didn’t’ mean the words somehow lighten when I discussed them hurt me. He remains up in “what does this mean to me” and much bigger than you, and the moment of someone about to declare bankruptcy she was saying. I couldn’t make heads with her. My tired legs carried me easier “how to do it right” that even religious in which you are living. When you step who realizes the stocks gifted by his and tails of it. I spoke to her through a as I left her office each week. steadfast at my side, self-expansion ends up being rather self- back you can realize that your existence grandfather for high school graduation fog. She discussed relationships, she oriented. The entire concept of having is part of Hashem’s will, that His Name suddently appreciated in value, making I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t discussed therapy, she discussed who- no matter what. a real and dynamic relationship with (identity) is also your identity. When the him a rich man. When you love Hashem knows- what- else. My mouth answered, Hashem is so foreign to people who grow Torah refers to Hashem as the G-d of but I have no idea what it said. I wasn’t with your whole heart, you feel the joy of angry, I wasn’t And yet, as I write this, I wonder... up in a society in which G-d is at best Avraham, Yitzchak, etc. it is telling you is in the room. I left without a backward someone who is constantly being given A cup. Isn’t there an enormous Cup relegated to the highest heavens where that His Name was part of their identity. abandoned yet, all glance. in Heaven waiting to be filled? Doesn’t He has little connection to His world, This isn’t up in the air! Every Jew has whatever he needs at that moment. I came home and went through my day He sit above and collect each and every and at worst He is absent from the scene a place in his heart that has an intimate, “Once there was a wealthy man that would come in a haze. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t angry, tear, and save it up? Doesn’t He notice completely (which is the case in virtually experiential connection with Hashem, not who was on a journey. He transformed I wasn’t abandoned yet, all that would each heart-break we experience? all movies, 20th century literature and of just an idea or concept. later. Then I wasn’t come later. Then I wasn’t anything. I his huge wealth to cash and bought an And He is dependable. He will not course TV). If you give yourself permission to feel wasn’t at all. amazingly precious gem. The cash that leave me, betray me, or hurt me. He Ohr HaChaim talks about having beloved, and think about His relationship anything. Days slowly passed. The fog lifted he put aside to cover his travel expenses remains steadfast at my side, no matter a love relationship with G-d in his with you, you will discover that you and with it came a domino crash of ran out earlier than he anticipated. His A few months passed. The sessions what. discussion of the Shma prayer. If you have love the One who chose you and who emotions. I fluttered through the days became the highlight of my life. They It takes me some time to get there, but enough Hebrew language skills (or access describes Himself as your G-d. As a clothing needed cleaning, and his hunger trying to piece myself together, but just were the uppermost thought on my mind. with time, I am getting closer. I am for my to a tutor), I would really recommend that Jewish person, your destiny and His name began to really bother him. Regardless couldn’t find a way. I called Mrs. Leifer. Each time something would happen, I Beloved – just as He is for me. 9 you consider learning this deeply, over are One. At that point you will know the of this inconvenience, he never felt I questioned her, I blamed her, and I would formulate the sequence of events in and over with enough devotion to make it goodness and sweetness that make your screamed at her. She remained calm and desperate. After all, he could feel the my mind, in preparation of how I would tell part of your life. understanding, but firm. She told me to soul want connection with Him. You will Hope diamond whenever he put his Mrs. Leifer. Each time I had a challenge, He tells us that there are three kinds of also realize that only He is the source of call the other number she had given me. hand in his wallet.” The precious stone knowing that I would be able to share my Of course I wouldn’t, how stupid love: love of things that bring us pleasure, everything that you value, your life, your success with her gave me the strength to go is higher consciousness, and if you have could she be? I wouldn’t call that things that we find useful, and things that children, and your material survival. All on. She was the sun that my orbits revolved that, the travail that is part of the journey therapist, or any other therapist for that are inherently good. There is another three “reasons” to love are real, when you around. With her light I grew and thrived, can be experienced differently and will matter. Never. Ever. My orbits had no reason to love Hashem, however, and that open your heart to feel them. and loved the person I was becoming. is that He is the Whole, the entirety of Think about what and who you love. never consume you. 9 6 7 pumping my blood were stretched too pretended to be too, and our conversation, trusting. I was a new person, growing »»Tovy Breuer tight? more dead than alive, became a weight. leather where I’d been skinned, growing Together Again Why did He make me go through The good people of Klal Yisroel, I roses from among my thorns. He had this? had them not either. They were busy with done it for me, for me! I wasn’t so angry Why did He put me into the marriage mitzvos. They were busy with family. anymore. Instead I turned to Him, again, in the first place? They were busy with emergencies that and again, and I healed. How could He take a girl with roses cropped up in the klal. For a woman It was a year later that an applicable on her cheekbones, and not warn her–not lighting candles and making Kiddush in a shidduch was suggested to me. I threw it bring on an accident, a rumor, an illness, single hour, before the haunted eyes of her out the window. Who needed marriage? something that would save me from his children, they had no mind. They didn’t Who needed heartache? And yet the clutches? think that an invitation would be saving frozen place had thawed; my heart was He had seen me going into the our honor, our Shabbos seudos we were no longer stone, but was soft, if tear marriage, fervent hopes for the future in forced to swallow alone. drenched, fertile earth. my machzor, in my whispered prayers, in I was alone for a long time. We met. I was frightened, a wounded the tassels I nailed to my shelves. He saw One day, I couldn’t be alone anymore. chick with ginger, wobbly legs. Did I even me buying snoods in the color that man Alone was wretched, liked, he saw me buying flavored seltzer rain-washed, cold, old I built myself up again. I in the taste of this man. Why didn’t He and rusting. Alone was scream No? Why did the warning bells to be thrown to the pit of started trusting. I was a new not chime? despair, with not a thread Why did He leave me to grapple, to hold onto. I couldn’t person, growing leather where day after disappointing day, with the take it anymore. relationship I was powerless to form, “Hashem!” I called I’d been skinned, growing defenseless to change? out, and from a place Where was He? of deep nothingness, I roses from among my thorns. groped my way to the When I left, I had no one. light. “Hashem, You put me in this place; want to open up to this man? We met again My sisters, my mother, they said please, please take me out.” and again. With my mended relationship they’d help me. But they looked at me I started climbing out. I called a with the Only One on my mind, I forged like they looked at deformed people, or friend. We set up a date in a café. I ahead. We were not young. Our marriage beggars on the street. They helped me, called another friend, bedraggled as she was not based on toothpaste brands. but they hated me, accepted me not as was with marriage and other happiness, There were children, there were houses, one. and we went bowling. I baked a torte for there were complicated family situations. Their children were the adjusted ones; a friend’s bar mitzvah, boated in a fish- And there was the understanding that a mine, the broken ones. Theirs wouldn’t filled lake with an old classmate, and union of ours hinged on one important marry mine; they wouldn’t play with attended a class. In the shared burden a detail: peace. mine if they could help it in a tactful way. friend entrusted me with, and that I took We would not be deceived. He had And my friends, they no longer spoke as my own, I forgot about myself for a faults. I did too. of husbands, as if theirs had disappeared while. We were binding ourselves to the together with mine. It mattered no longer At all times, I told the frozen feeling other person with ropes already severed that their husbands were a big part of It was time. I wore a silver dress, thirty-seven-year-old will tell you that you slowly, break by break. Several years and in my heart to stand at bay. I thought it by heartaches. their happiness. It mattered not that when would thaw; perhaps it would, if it could. But I already knew hearts could be silver heels. My sheitel was done up, my don’t get married the way you did when children later, I hardly knew the person they shopped, they took home clothing to makeup expertly applied. In my eyes, my innocence set stones like boulders to trip who haunted my body, hardly recognized I would do all it took to make my heart healed. ask him first. He was their companion, whole again. I knew that whatever season would hope sparkled. I was getting remarried. your skipping feet. I was blessed with the body that housed myself. their heart, their purpose, everything. Yet And I begged Hashem, “You created come, I could weather. I had Hashem. It could have been me at seventeen. If remarriage. But I knew what it entailed. I had no one, save my children, he disappeared from their talk once mine me, and the person to whom I was wife. And so I donned heels, and purses, only it had been me at seventeen. If only No longer did I pray that all would themselves products of the stress of my did. You made me, You broke me, You gave and makeup, and things that make us twenty years had not elapsed, and with it be perfect, no longer did I pray for bliss. home. They hadn’t thought, way back when me, You took from me. Help me!” girly but are not essential to ourselves. the pain of ever deepening pits or jutting No longer did I pray for late nights, nor I had not Hashem either. How could I sat at my table crying for the hole my His response was quiet, but I slowly And so I said words, some heartfelt, some ravines. But it was me, nonetheless. I parties, nor children, nor wealth. I wanted He? Didn’t He know, He who sat and husband’s presence created in my heart, taught myself to hear it. I found Him in hearty, and I walked with him, talked with glided on floors polished over with wax, one thing. matched matches, that this man with eyes that it was hard for me to listen to their the book I read, I found Him in the lift of him, discovered him. and me, I was also polished over. My nails Hashem, give me peace. that charmed my teenaged self would dilemma of husbands who couldn’t my misery. I found Him, He was there, And soon it was my wedding day, glistened, gripped a rose. I had arrived. My innocence had shattered not like leave me as a feelingless skeleton? Didn’t babysit on a particular night. Then, they and I was learning to feel it within. once again. This time, however, Hashem Now was not the time to think back, a glass falling and splintering, swept up He, who knew hearts and sinews, feel didn’t know not to wave their treasure I built myself up again. I started was also a partner. 9 it was a time to think ahead. But any neatly on a broom’s shovel. It happened when the fibers that were responsible for past my eyes. Now that I was alone, they 8 9 Therapeutic Thoughts »»Mrs. Beryl Tritel, MSW Tenacious Trust

Chavie1∗ had it all. While she was truly felt that Hashem was helping and want Him to. The challenge for most of not a star student or from a rich family, guiding her through this painful episode. us is to rebuild our trust and relationship she always had good friends and a warm Then, the divorce was finalized, and she with Hashem when the answer is no. A supportive family network to lean on. went home, alone, to her children, to raise client once told me that her Rav advised As she grew up, things just sort of went them, alone. her to spend 10 minutes a day being the way she had expected them to. She "That's when I started feeling more thankful for all the bad things that are never gave much serious thought to her and more alone, more and more betrayed happening in her life. At first, I couldn't relationship with Hashem. She kept by Hashem. People saw my husband see the wisdom behind this seemingly Shabbos, kashrus, and davened just changing, going off the derech. All along incongruous statement. But, as the client like she had been taught to. Her life I was hailed as a hero for getting out of began to explain how it had helped her, I basically went along the same well-worn there and saving my children. But once understood it much better. She spent ten path as her friends’ and family’s had. I was divorced, everything that had led minutes every day mulling over and being She breezed through high school and to the divorce seemed to be forgotten. I thankful for these "bad" things. In the seminary, worked in an office for a few became just another divorced woman. end, she was able to see the silver lining in years and then met her husband, Zev. And that's not a label that anyone envies a lot of them. And, for the circumstances But, as time passed, it became in this community. I couldn't help but in which the silver lining eluded her, she obvious that Chavie’s life was, in fact, on wonder where was Hashem now? I had found herself thinking about them in a a divergent path. Her marriage was full of put my trust in Him during my marriage more critical way, and forcing herself to these goals, consider how critical each all the goodness that Hashem wants to your experiences and feelings, and, unwelcome surprises. The shadchan had and my divorce, and then, when I felt that understand things better. need is and how easily attainable it pour down on you. Stay active in as from that you may come to some sort described Zev as a tremendous masmid I really needed Him, He was gone." If you are like most people, you may is. What can you do to reach those many things as you can. By doing so, of understanding, and, if not, then at who was serious and focused on his Chavie's feelings of abandonment have a long list of items that you feel are goals and fulfill your needs and your you will be more aware of the positive least some inner peace. learning. However, a couple of years into are normal and understandable in light lacking in your life, whether material, family’s needs? You may have to ways that Hashem is helping you Chavie admits that her struggle is married life, he started to voice serious of what she has been through. Death is spiritual, or social/emotional. I think that think outside the box to achieve them. every day. still not over. “I still don’t understand doubts and cracks in his emunah began only one of the many ways to experience for most of us, the first step is to look Another one of my clients, Ilana, And, the most important, to daven. why my ex-husband turned out the to surface. All the pillars of their frum loss. Any dream that is shattered is a inward and think about which of these felt that she needed a good friend. Daven for the ability to feel the trust way that he did. However, through lifestyle gradually became less important loss, and should be respected as such. items you really need. Sometimes, an to him. Chavie and Zev’s marriage Chavie needs to take the time to mourn Ilana felt she had lost a lot of her you once had in Hashem. Just like we this experience I have learned that I item that we jump to define as a need is began a slow and steady decline, until and process the fact that her marriage friends since her divorce, and needed cannot maintain a relationship with our can trust that Hashem is always there really a want. Of course, not all wants it completely fell apart. Watching her is no longer, even in light of the fact to make some new connections. So, parents, siblings, friends, or children listening to me and helping me, even if are superfluous, and each person’s list of husband's descent, Chavie realized that that she doesn't want it anymore. Like she joined a shiur that she had always without talking, we cannot maintain I don’t see how. But, I am at the point needs is very subjective. What one person she couldn't live like this anymore. Even all divorcees, Chavie needs to mourn wanted to attend. She made a point our relationship with Hashem without that I look forward to my davening considers as a bare necessity would be a with two little children to consider, she the memories that have not happened. of smiling and saying hello to the davening. Talk to Him and tell Him everyday. It’s my chance to connect great luxury to another. made the difficult decision to leave the Family outings, Shabbosim, and simchas woman next to her. Pretty soon, she what you need, and that you want to and know that I am placing my burden In order to separate needs from wants, marriage. And so, she soon found herself will no longer be shared as a unit, but, we must make a great effort to tune out found herself chatting with a few of the feel close to Him. on the One who I can trust will help separating from and eventually divorcing rather divided with the missing person 9 how other people view us. Concentrate women after the shiur, and eventually, When trust is broken between two me in the best way possible.” Zev. noticeably absent. they started meeting for coffee. people, one of the natural responses is While she was going through the To help her begin to trust herself, and on you and your family, and what would help you in a meaningful way. Using Be active. Waiting for things to anger. That’s why people fight with Mrs. Beryl Tritel, MSW , a therapist process, she expressed to her friends ultimately her relationship with Hashem, with a private practice with offices in this criterion, classify each item on your happen to you is a sure-fire way to let each other when they are hurt. Take and family many times how close she felt Chavie needs to take the time to develop Ramat Bet Shemesh, Jerusalem and Yad list as either a critical need, something depression sink in. It would have been your hurt and anger and share it with to Hashem. She was surprised at how new hopes and dreams to focus on. But, Binyamin, can be reached at beryltritel@ important but not critical, or simply “nice much harder for Ilana to make friends Hashem. Don’t be afraid to express connected she felt, for the first time. It she doesn't know how to trust that this gmail.com. to have.” if she had decided to stay home. By all of your feelings no matter how seemed as though everything that she marriage took place for a reason, and needed to help her finalize the divorce for her ultimate good. We have all been Based on your list, set some getting out, and doing things, you ugly they may seem to you. By being came through without any trouble. She taught that Hashem does not always concrete goals for yourself, in both the make yourself available to be a kli for honest, you allow yourself to process ∗ Name changed to protect privacy answer our prayers in the way that we short term and long term. Prioritize 10 11 »»Y. Roitenbarg Recliners and Refuge

Her heart is one of His names »»Miriam Klein crushed, her home is is Yedidy-h. She I mentally return to the apartment “…. And you don’t even care. hope that maybe things would really broken, her life has knows nothing I lived in when I was married and try to You know why I’m screaming at you for be okay one day. The seudah was shattered. is too minor for find myself there. I can easily picture the so long? Because I’m waiting to see your progressing well enough. I served the She caresses the Him to attend to beautiful full length, dark brown sefarim blood! Look at you! I’m talking to you fish and all the salads I made (despite worn leather and and nothing is too shrank with the tear-drop gold handles for hours and you don’t even care. You’re always being told that I was incapable, gently fingers the major for Him to that I bought to dress it up, and the completely cold-blooded. You’re like the and, completely confused if that was true, brittle pages, yet handle. showcase in the middle filled with elegant Nazis. I wonder if you’re even Jewish. No I made a beautiful Shabbos seudah), again soaked with When she cries, silver. The walls were the beautiful stucco Jew can see another Jew suffering and just and then something happened. I have her hot, salty tears. she knows He not that I still love, and that always looked be as cold as you are. Only the Germans no recollection what it was, but I do She is holding her only listens, but clean and fresh. At the western side were like that.” know that by the time I finished serving siddur, and she is His tears mingle was a beautiful big window, and placed the soup, the table was empty, with my under it was the maroon couch and the I remember thinking, What husband having gone off to bed as a holding so much pain with hers. When should I answer? That one can’t be in her crushed heart. she triumphs, her old, dirty, dusty-blue recliner. The dining protest to something. I sat down at my room table was a medium brown oval trapped in a recliner and listen to ranting place, and one of the rare times during In return, Hashem achievements are and ravings for three hours straight and still is caressing her and His pride. one, with two gold strips all around the those few years (despite going through sides. A nice maroon and gold tapestry have the capacity to care? Come to think so much, including losing a baby and holding her in His Hashem loves of it, I don’t really care anymore. And he warm, loving embrace. her because she runner traveled down the middle of it. three very difficult miscarriages) I started The maroon and off-yellow wax flowers is upset, and he’s my husband. How can to cry. I remember the tears meandering Whenever she feels has learned what I not care? So maybe I am like the Nazis. as though she can’t true love is. Rabbi I got from my mother in law, in a black down my cheek, and joining the soup marble vase, were placed in the center. I do feel cold, he’s right, so maybe I am in a most forlorn way. Disconnected, carry on, she asks Dessler teaches German. How do I really know? Maybe Hashem to carry her. that the word The dining room gave me a feeling of I wondered how it had come to this, to spaciousness and beauty, in my life that I don’t really know who my ancestors are, sitting alone at a Shabbos meal, filling my She reaches out for ahava is from the and I’m really not Jewish? her siddur and pours root word hav, was so far from it. soup bowl with tears. out her heart to the which means ‘to On the blue recliner, in the ca Giving up on eating, I went Shomea kol bichiyos – give.’ True love is corner, I find a woman. It’s me. I see the The Shabbos candles were to the bathroom to prepare for bed. I to the One who listens about what we give woman sitting there, consciously closed burning, and an aura of serenity filled the saw the medicine cabinet and suddenly to her cries, the One and not what we up within herself and dissociated from house. The two children were sleeping realized how much easier it would be who loves her. receive. Love is not her surroundings. peacefully. I was accompanied by my if I would just take the whole bottle of With Him she Ani Ledodi Vedodi Li determined by who constant, ever-present companion: the shares her struggles loves us, but rather and her triumphs. to this, for Yedid is composed of Yad and by whom we love I was accompanied With Him she shares her deepest Yad. It is so much easier to face life’s and how much we give. Hashem Himself innermost feelings. She cannot get battles and constant struggles when one is is the ultimate Giver. He gives solely for through the day-to-day struggles without walking hand in hand with a yedid. Her the sake of giving without demanding by my constant, ever- His help. She begs Him to give her an encouragement infuses her with strength, anything in return. A single mother, too, ear and to give her His Hand. She is and she can now cope, rise, and move gives selflessly and endlessly of herself to present companion: guided by His Yad hachazakah as they onward. That’s why the numerical value her children, without the assistance or walk together Hand in hand. Somehow of the word yedid is 28, the same gematria appreciation of a soul mate. She gives just when she lets Him lead her, the arduous as the word koach, strength. like Hashem does, for the sake of giving. the hope that maybe paths seem that much smoother and The single mother has no one other This woman, who feels as if she is lacking easier. When she feels like she is faltering, than Hashem. He is her Yedid. He is the in love, in reality has the highest form of she has faith that He is there and that He one who holds her tightly in His warm and love. things would really be will catch her in His Zeroa netuyah. loving embrace. She feels safe and secure She deserves to walk Hand in hand Every woman requires a yedid, in His Hands. She goes Hand in hand with Hashem. She deserves to be cradled okay one day. someone who goes with her hand in with Hashem and He imbues her with and held in His embrace. Yedidy-h, He is hand, someone who lovingly guides and energy, strength, stamina, determination, her closest friend and she can truly feel – encourages her on the steep, winding and will power. He is not just any Yedid, ani leDodi veDodi li. 9 paths of life. The very word yedid alludes He is a Yedid Emes, and not surprisingly 12 13 flower carving adorns the next part of rather than berating myself for not being luminescent hues. I see myself sitting on the wall above my old maroon couch. able to do more. I sit still and keep myself it in three stages–as a suffering child, as The beautiful glass showcase dominates present. an abused wife, and now as a struggling the other wall, and the dining room table mother, and I see beauty. The recliner is pushed to the side, covered with an Watching the little girl on the lifts itself up, and in a leap of triumph, comes home from a PTA meeting and recliner, I am amazed at her pain. I see elegant gold tablecloth. flies out the window. I sit comfortably, has lists of complaints about me from the terrible prison guards all around her– allowing myself to sink into its beauty. each teacher. And then they wondered Usually, this dining room gives they are supposed to be her protectors! This time I am not scared, I know it is why I wasn’t doing as well as I could me peace of mind and an inner sense of They are supposed to be the ones giving taking me somewhere beautiful. I let go have been. Only ten years later did I find beauty. But as I visit it today, I am once her the love and security–yet I see her and let my recliner soar through the air, to out that the teachers really loved me, and again a prisoner, sitting on the black husband and parents standing on all sides visit various places I have visited, and take somehow their words were twisted on the recliner in the corner. I am curled up, surrounding her with long swords, in case me along on a birds-eye view. I stop above way home. within and without, and writhing in my she dares to pick herself up and escape a mountain cliff, overlooking the Dead pain. I am crying and not crying, and their clutches. Perhaps I was behind the closed Sea. It is where I brought my children feeling the enormous sadness wash over door of my pink bedroom, but never Panic grips me. How will she on a trip this summer. I am sitting on the me. I am mourning the comfort that a really having privacy because my parents ever get out? How can a person get out recliner, deep calm inside me, as I gaze recliner is meant to bring, and the terrible would pick up the phone in the middle of a prison that is run by her supposed Tylenol within. It’s not even so hard to recliner and reading. I am fully dressed pain it has caused. I am longing for the at the ever-present beauty of the Dead of my conversation, subtly giving over protectors? How can she ever know that do, just two minutes, and it’s all over. and thinking everything was okay. But safety of the dining room that I cannot Sea. I feel at peace. My three selves the message that I was constantly being she is not meant to be sitting on that It’s so much easier than this. No, I told I know now that it surely wasn’t–and find. And I am searching for the young have merged into one the one I am now. monitored. recliner, when she knows of no other? myself, you can’t do that. Why? For my even the fact that I couldn’t imagine just and happy girl that longs to sit up on I sit still. With time, I feel enough room on my recliner, and within my heart, for husband, there’s no reason to stay, and letting go and lounging in a Shabbos I can place myself anywhere in the the recliner, put her feet up, look out the I have no answer, but my head tells my children to join me. I place them on my kids–well, this way I can’t take care of robe and reading demonstrates to me the house. And in each place I am scared window at the beautiful view, and smile at me not to worry, because she did run either side of me and I lovingly place my them anyway, so someone else will have to continuous state of alertness and activity and insecure. the world. I can’t find her. away. She escaped the past recliners; she do a better job. The ruminations stayed that I needed to protect myself. will find herself a better one. So I just arms around them. We are protected by ca at that. When I got back to my recliner, I breathe out, allowing myself to allow myself to sit still, keeping my feet our Redeemer. He has lead us to safety. I remember standing in the hall And now, I force myself away from I was hit by the enormity of what I had be present for the prisoner on the recliner. so terribly stiff that they hurt. My heart is They smile knowingly at me–they have between the dining room and the kitchen, this painful trip down memory lane to just been thinking. If your life is not worth I sit down next to her, and tentatively so terribly confused. I don’t think. I know witnessed my journey, and are glad to be and hearing Mommy saying that she visit my current dining room. It is in the living, then you better do something to put my arms around her. Today, she is I just need to be present for her. She will at my side as I end it. We sit together, doesn’t know how I’ll ever get married, I holiest city of Jerusalem, and just thinking change it. present enough to let me be, and not to get herself out of there; she has done so hugging each other, and healing the have no respect for my parents, how will about it makes my heart expand. The push me away in pain and fear. I sit next already. I give myself time wounds that are slowly, slowly dripping ca I respect my husband? Or further down far-end wall is dominated by two large to her and start to cry. I allow myself to down the mountain and into the sea. I think back to another recliner, a the hall, near the bathroom, hearing the windows overlooking lush green trees cry freely, and let her feel the compassion ca beige one, sitting in the corner of the large ever-present, “I just hope your kids won’t filling the park, and to the left the view that I have for her. Within a second As I close my eyes, the Yoshev B’seser Elyon–Whoever and airy dining room with the scratched treat you like you treat your parents. You is of beautiful white-stoned, and green- the crying stops; the prison guards have recliner suddenly changes colors. I see sits in the refuge of the Most High, He parquet floors of my childhood home. I know that it all comes back to you one treed shuafat hills. Near it is my used, trained me well. I accept my limitations an aura surrounding it, and it is multi- shall dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. picture myself sitting on it. My mother day.” Or I could be lying in bed, trying slightly torn, comfortable black leather and give myself credit for getting this far, colored with the most splendid array of And on that recliner, I will be safe. 9 walks into the room. I feel myself tensing. to conceal my nervousness as my mother recliner. My beautiful peach wooden I can think of many options of what she would be doing, but all of them would Whoever sits in the be difficult. I struggle to find a positive refuge of the Most interaction and come up blank. It hurts.

This is supposed to be my High, He shall dwell childhood, my cocoon of safety. This is supposed to be my mother–the icon of in the shadow of the love. Elusive qualities that I have not merited. Almighty.

I picture myself on a Shabbos And on that recliner, afternoon. I am sitting on the beige I will be safe.

14 15 her impending exclamation, Michal motioned secrecty. “Don’t say anything. We’re probably getting engaged in about three weeks but in the meantime only you, our children, my Rav and Shaya’s Rav know about it. So shhhh!!!”

ca

Now it was Michal’s wedding, and Sara felt as if she was walking on air. When she had told the whole story to another divorced friend, Ziva had been quite honest with her. Like Diamonds in the Sky “Aren’t you even just a little jealous?” she remarked. “To tell you the truth, I tend to avoid weddings these days, and »»Shoshana Benjamin especially second marriages, because I just can’t deal with my own envy. Be Like Silver in the honest with yourself, don’t you feel a little bit like this should be you?” Sara was being as honest with herself Hands of the Refiner as she could be, and as she watched »»Dr. Shoshana Savyon It was a beautiful wedding. As to get up for work tomorrow, but her well as signing up to some of those frum Michal and Shaya, their happy shared the couple stood under the chuppah curiosity won out. “It’s no problem at all. shidduch sites. I have a few suggestions glances, the sincere outpouring of love As the High Holy Days approach, It struck the woman that often G-d there was not a dry eye in the crowd. Come right over. We can have a laundry- and I wanted to run some of them by from all of their friends, she realized I was particularly happy to get an email seems to hold us in the center of the Everything was perfect, the venue, the folding party!” you.” that, quite sincerely, she was not jealous flames, in the heat. Perhaps it really was music, the menu, even the stars sparkled Michal arrived five minutes later and And that’s how it all began. Sara and at all. The happiness she felt for Michal from a friend discussing one of the like diamonds in the sky. quickly explained the reason for her late Michal became dating partners. was completely pure, borne of a sense of analogies that we draw between ourselves for our own benefit, to cleanse us and As Michal married Shaya, night visit. They were partners but the partnership gratitude for having been able to watch and G-d in the Yom Kippur services. remove our impurities of mind, heart and surrounded by family and friends, there “Do you remember our conversation was hardly tit for tat. Although Michal her story unfold. deed. Based on a verse in Malachi 3:3, we was one person in the crowd who was a few weeks ago, on the way home from tried to coax Sara out of her shell, it just As Sara walked out of the wedding She asked the silversmith if it was especially happy. Michal’s close friend shul, about the whole concept of dating? didn’t work. Sara did go on one or two hall, she looked up at the sky and saw the say, “Here we are, like silver in the hands necessary for him to sit there in front of Sara could barely contain her joy as the You should know that you’ve really dates (which she discussed with Michal), stars, sparkling like little diamonds on a of the Refiner….”This verse puzzled memories flooded back… inspired me!” but somehow she could not surrender and black velvet background, shining upon some women in a Bible study group and the fire the whole time. Sara looked at her quizzically. Sara let go of the terrible fear and apprehension Michal, who was starting her new life as they wondered what it meant about the The smith answered that yes, he not ca was as far removed from dating as anyone that still haunted her. a remarried woman. The stars also shone character and nature of G-d. One of the only had to sit there holding the silver, but could be. Still raw from her recent divorce, And so, over the next two years, there upon Sara, who was going back to her women offered to find out more about the complicated, difficult, issue-laden life. Yet he had to keep his eyes on the silver the Two Years Earlier… and with a whole gang of very dependent were laughs, phone calls to references, process of refining silver and get back to as Sara looked up at the stars that seemed entire time it was in the fire. If the silver Sara was in the middle of folding children, looking for Chapter Two was commiseration when a date didn’t work the group at their next meeting. laundry when the telephone rang. The way off her radar right now. But she had out, and excitement when finally it did … to twinkle with happiness, there was a was left a moment too long in the flames, children were asleep and she wasn’t pointed out during their conversation that different feeling in her heart. For a brief That week, the woman called a it would be destroyed. moment, the never-ending dreariness of expecting any late calls. It was Michal, Michal was at a totally different stage in ca silversmith and made an appointment to her life fell away. Her heart soared, and The woman was silent for a moment. a neighbor who Sara knew only casually. life. Perhaps, she had suggested, this was observe him at work. She didn’t mention she felt almost one with the stars. And Then she asked the silversmith, ‘How do The only thing they really had in common a perfect time for Michal to begin looking Sara would never forget the day that anything about the reason for her interest was their loneliness; though Sara was for a new partner in life. Michal knocked at her door to return in their light, she saw something new, you know when the silver is fully refined?’ something that transcended all of the pain beyond her curiosity about the process of only recently divorced while Michal had Sara had since almost forgotten that some CDs she had borrowed. Sara’s refining silver. He smiled at her and answered, been on her own for several years. particular conversation, but Michal children were playing in the living room, and fear that seemed to be her constant ‘Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image Michal cut right to the chase. evidently had not. and as Michal leaned forward to hand companions. She watched the silversmith as he reflected in it.’ “Listen, Sara, do you have a few “Sara,” she said now. “I want you to her the pile of CDs, she whispered, “You held a piece of silver over the fire and let minutes to spare for me? Would it be help me because you seem to have so much remember that I told you things were Michal had given her the precious gift of hope. 9 it heat up. He explained that in refining If today you are feeling the heat of the really inconvenient if I came over to speak insight. You know, after speaking to you, getting serious with Shaya? Well, I think silver, one needed to hold the silver in the fire, remember that G-d has his eye on you to you? Be honest if it isn’t.” I finally decided to make some hishtadlus he’s the one –” middle of the fire where the flames were and will keep watching you until He sees Sara looked up at the clock. She had and I spoke to a few shadchanim, as Noticing Sara’s look of surprise and hottest to burn away all the impurities. His image in you. 9 16 17 Two of Us »»Kayla Rosen

I’ll always know how old I am by Both of us grew up suddenly that day. now, but somewhere all the time. adding twenty years to my daughter’s life, And every day since, we’ve been growing It’s just the two of us, day after day, but how will I know who I am? up together, navigating our way through building a life grounded in stability and Six years ago today, I caught my a world that sees echoes of my childhood routine while chasing our dreams. We’re first glimpse of puzzled brown eyes in a in hers while she watches me struggle trying to balance the Alef-Bais song with crumpled baby face. “She’s so… pretty,” through the birth of myself as a woman. ”The Wheels on the Bus,” rediscovering I managed, when all I could think of was Hello Kitty and Strawberry Shortcake how squished she looked. The joke was Suddenly, I am confronted with the while learning about Rosh Hashanah on me, of course. Six years later, she is freedom to explore my choices, and I and Sukkos, and juggling traditions pretty – beautiful, even. Pretty enough to stumble through a delayed adolescence rooted in timelessness with a quest for stop strangers on the street, pretty enough while trying to keep my daughter’s independence and relevance. to make me cringe, yet laugh, at my first childhood from falling apart. I learn Just the two of us, every other Friday reaction; a just-born mother’s lack of to listen to the voice inside of me while night, watching the candles flicker as imagination at the person she would paying attention to the endless chatter of we eat our Shabbos meal together. She become. Six years ago, I could not have a tiny child. wraps her arms around my neck as I sing imagined the trip we would take together; half-forgotten camp songs from not too an exhilarating, sometimes terrifying, yet My voice says, “I want to write.” long ago. She snuggles into my shoulder, always wonderful journey to becoming Her voice squeals, “I want juice!” drowsy with chicken soup and lulled to the people we were meant to be today. My voice says, “I want to find out sleep on memories and expectations. The first time I reached my arms out who I am.” Just the two of us, watching fireworks to my daughter, I was twenty years old, Her voice insists, “Play with me, exploding in the night sky, celebrating one year into an arranged marriage that Mommy.” America’s birthday alone in a crowd of would hobble along for two more years My voice says, “I want to draw,” and people on a grassy hill. She covers her before collapsing in less than a week. her voice says the same thing. ears, anticipating each thunderous boom, Bringing baby home was the next step in My voice says, “I want to be loved,” and jumps up and down on the picnic Suddenly, I am confronted with the freedom to explore my choices, a marriage that had claimed me right after and I listen gratefully to her voice saying, blanket, kept awake by a mixture of too a sheltered childhood that left no space “Mommy, I need you.” much candy and excitement. and I stumble through a delayed adolescence while trying to keep between father’s home and husband’s My voice says, “I want to be this Just the two of us, on this lonely path house. My childhood had teetered on child’s mother,” at the same time that it we humans call Life, sharing our journey my daughter’s childhood from falling apart. the edge of a question between a proud says, “I want to see my dreams come with someone else if we are lucky. Our Jewish identity and tantalizing glimpses true.” paths diverge at the points of innocence of American pop culture. My childhood and responsibility; hers includes making her own story as she lives it. Her tattered have imagined the journey we would take American, writer, dreamer, realist; set was one of apple and honey and Hello Together, we stumble towards the her bed, doing her homework, and bunny has retired long ago to a box on to get here, and the fierce love that shapes free yet bound, unexpectedly redirected, Kitty, matzah and maror and Strawberry unknown, carefully living each new day playing nicely with friends, while mine the top shelf of the closet, but the memory my identity through someone else’s life. still sometimes terrified, yet always Shortcake. My childhood overlapped with the hopes of yesterday’s child and includes paying the bills, raising a child, of love sustains her as she peers down the So who am I? I am all the people deliriously happy. where my daughter’s began, and it ended tomorrow’s woman. As my voice grows and discovering who I am. path of a life just barely started. and places I remember, and all the I’ll always know how old I am. And only when I had to explain to a tearful stronger my feet grow more confident, She sprawls out on the floor with I sit down at my desk amidst papers things I still want to do. I am the pain I’ll always know who I am by looking two-year-old clutching a raggedy bunny and I am surprised to find myself dancing reams of paper and colorful markers and pens, paintbrushes and colors and and sorrow that came before, and I am into my daughter’s sparkling eyes. I am why she had to fall asleep in Bubby’s in the kitchen one afternoon, twirling a rolling in every direction, scribbling page words, crafting the story of my dreams as everything I hope to become. I am twenty- somebody’s mother, and I am myself. 9 house today and couldn’t go home just giggly four-year-old round and round, after page of a million stick figures eating, I travel down the path of a life that has six-years-old, side-by-side with six. I am yet, and as it turned out, just never. laughing, spinning; going nowhere right playing, laughing, and crying; writing finally begun. Six years ago I could not mother, daughter, sister, friend; Jewish, 18 19 her attention, crowded her with feelings of pulled up at the entrance to Bushkill Falls, family stopped for a delightful picnic inadequacy, of exhaustion and resentment dubbed the Niagara of Pennsylvania. lunch, sang some songs, and massaged It’s Family Time at the double load thrust upon her. “I Wide eyed, the kids followed her to the their aching feet. When they arrived at have no strength anymore,” she cried to entrance, where she bought tickets for Bridal Veil Falls, a small, delicate, lattice- »»Chaya Silber herself. “I can’t do this–be a mother and each of them (eleven dollars for her, and like waterfall, the children took off their father to them all alone, without a support six for each of the boys, a total of $29), shoes and waded in. After a moment’s system. It’s too much.” and began their hike. hesitation, Shiffy did the same. And then the tears that she’d bravely “Wow!” breathed Avi, as he stood “Ma, look here!” Avi called, as he kept at bay all summer came, washing with his brothers on a narrow bridge splashed his mother in the face. Soaked, over her, soothing the ache in her soul. overlooking a stormy waterfall, watching with water pouring down her shirt and on his plate. a promotion and raise might be in the She cried for a long time, and then as the water glistened as it hurtled over her sheitel plastered to her head, Shiffy “Yeah, works. Her heart had soared at the just sat there, being. Just living in the the rocks, plunging to the depths with a it’s not fair,” prospect. moment. hiss and roar. felt vibrant, alive, in the moment. She Moishy added. “Ma, you’re not even listening!” And then the idea came to her. “It’s gorgeous!” said Moishy, mouth laughed as she splashed Avi back, and “Three kids Moishy complained. “I want to know “Who says I have to be a victim of my agape. frolicked in the frothy, shallow water with in my class why we can’t go anywhere. We’re stuck in circumstances? Even if money is tight, “Ma, can we go into the waterfall? her boys. are going this stupid day camp, doing silly sports in my children deserve to spend quality time Can we?” was Shmuly’s request. She couldn’t remember the last time to Vermont, the heat. Why can’t we go to the country, with their only functional parent.” For the next three hours, the small they’d had so much fun, just hiking, to the Bain to Aunt Baila?” For the next few hours, she did some family hiked over two miles on the most snapping pictures, and enjoying each H a z m a n i m We can’t go because Aunt Baila won’t research, and came up with a doable, challenging trail abutting the falls. The other’s company. The boys were happier getaway, and have us, Shiffy murmured to herself. economical plan. odyssey took them through narrow than they’d been in a long time. another two She claimed it was too difficult to host Early the next morning, the children pathways that intersected eight of the “Mommy?” said Moishy, as they kids are going company in the summer. Difficult! As if awoke. But instead of finding their most stunning waterfalls they had ever finally sloshed out of the pond, soaked to to the Poconos. it was easy for Shiffy to be stuck in the mother in bed with the pillow over her seen. the bone. Even Chaim, city with three rowdy boys, working all face, exhausted, they were surprised to “The Niagara of Pennsylvania,” “Yes, sweetie?” whose mother just morning and trying to entertain them in see her in the kitchen, making scrambled Bushkill Falls is among the Keystone “Thank you for taking us here,” the had a baby, is staying the afternoons. Nothing would happen if eggs. State’s most famous scenic attractions. intense, high-strung ten year old said, with his cousins in the Baila would go out of her way and invite “Ma, you’re up already!” Moishy This unique series of eight waterfalls, enveloping her in a sopping wet hug. country.” them for a Shabbos. Just one Shabbos. shouted. “What’s that? Eggs? Can I nestled deep in the wooded Pocono Little Shmuly, who was That’s all she was asking for. have mine sunny side up?” Mountains, is accessible through an “You’re the best Mommy in the world.” only four, chimed in, “Yeah, No one is responsible for your “Sure, honey,” Shiffy said. “But eat excellent network of hiking trails and “Me, too,” shouted Shmuly. “I love we wanna go too. Can we? Can situation, Shiffy reminded herself for quickly, because we’re going on vacation.” bridges that afford fabulous views of the Mommy!” we?” the umpteenth time. You can’t expect “We’re going on a vacation? Yay!” falls and the surrounding forest. “Mommy, you’re number one!” Shiffy sighed. She had already told everyone to rearrange their life to Avi shouted, waking up Shmuly. High in the uplands of the Pocono shouted Avi. “I bet we had a better time the kids, time and again, that her part- accommodate your needs. Tears stung The three boys began to dance around Mountains of Northeastern Pennsylvania, than anyone!” time job was barely enough for the basics, her eyelashes as she turned away to spare It had been a hard summer, and Shiffy the house. “We’re going on vacation! streams of crystal pure water bubble Shiffy looked at her jubilant offspring and that they needed to tighten their belts. her kids. But a little sympathy would go was looking forward to it finally ending. Vacation! Yippee!” They hugged each up through rifts in the rock, forming with misty eyes, and hugged them back They’d moved from their small starter a long way. All summer long she’d been treated other, making quite a scene in their headwaters of Bushkill Creek. As the tightly. Vacationing with her sons was a home to an even smaller apartment, and One week later, she was ready to to a running commentary of who was pajamas. waters begin their descent toward the had even stopped eating chicken during scream. dream come true…and with Hashem’s going on vacation, where they were It took Shiffy a while to feed, dress, Delaware River far below, they move ever the week, but money was still tight. And Day camp had ended two days ago, help, she had made it happen. heading, and all the fun they’d be having. and pack the kids’ nosh bags, but finally faster toward Bushkill Falls, rushing over Nochum hadn’t paid child support in and yeshiva wouldn’t start for another She no longer felt an inexplicable Although her three boys were in day they were all in the car, bursting with Pennell Falls, then between rocky walls months. But she pursed her lips and week. Even those intrepid city dwellers sadness that the summer was over, with camp all summer, they were restless and curiosity. But Shiffy refused to tell them through the Upper Canyon and Laurel swallowed. It wasn’t right to tell the who’d sat home all summer were going the Days of Awe just around the corner. agitated since they knew they wouldn’t be where they were going. Glen. children. They were angry enough at somewhere, if just for a few days. All the frustration and anger she’d bottled going away. “It’s a surprise,” she said. “You’ll find Suddenly the stream drops over the their father as it was. Only Shiffy and the boys were going up over July and August had dissipated, Ever since the boys’ father had left “Avi, stop squishing your mashed nowhere. Sure, she had a car—and two out when we get there.” edge of a 100-foot cliff, the majestic Main two years ago, money was tight, and it like fizz in an open soda bottle. Now she potatoes,” she’d snapped, irritable, days of paid vacation from her boss. For the next three hours, they drove Falls. From the deep pool at the bottom, took all Shiffy’s efforts to keep her boys could approach Rosh Hashanah in the wondering when she could put them to But she didn’t have the money, or the toward the country, with music playing banked by ferns, mosses, and wild flowers, fed and clothed. Vacations, spontaneous right frame of mind, with true gratitude sleep so she could get her work done. emotional strength, to travel anywhere. softly in the background, and the boys the creek now drops another seventy feet outings, family time—all were relegated to Hashem for giving her three beautiful Her boss wanted her to work nights on Late that night, long after the children busy with their coloring books. They through a long and spectacular gorge to the stuff of hazy memories. sons, the light and joy of her life. 9 that new project they were starting, and were asleep and her office work was done, loved long car rides and barely squabbled, strewn with gigantic boulders. Trails and “Ma, how come we never go he had installed a computer in her home. Shiffy sat on the couch, too tense to relax. so excited were they to finally be going bridges lace the area, affording splendid anywhere?” Avi had grumbled the other He hinted that, were the job successful, Images of her children bickering, vying for somewhere. views. day, pushing around the mashed potatoes It was about noon by the time they Toward the middle of the hike, the 20 21 The Rebbe’s Dance Change of Plans And My Own »»M. W. » »Shifra Gutskind She stepped Off the train The Aron Kodesh is open, showing its fear his collapse. The musicians slow the with them. And in one revealing second, Called High School treasured Sifrei Torah. A white and gold music, in the hope the Rebbe would slow I understood it all. kaftan and sparkling sash clothe the elderly down too. It is obvious that his feet are This holy Rebbe was born with the man who has been dancing for twenty tiring; they are struggling to go on. Yet he the same bones, muscles and organs as long minutes. His strength is waning. His pushes onward; he will not surrender to you and I. He was created of the same Carrying a big, bright legs are tiring; he has already danced for his flesh and blood; his soul will lead him. chomer as any other human being. He Bunch of balloons….. a few hours, but he cannot stop. He is Soon even that is too much. Clutching the had to actively elevate that body to achieve parting with his beloved friends, the Sifrei frame of the Aron Kodesh for support, he what I had witnessed. No, it didn’t come Torah, after the hakafos shniyos. I picture just jumps up and down in devotion. And from the great yichus that he was borne a ladder stretching from him to heaven, then he continues dancing, backward and to, and it didn’t come from Heaven as a Now, twelve years later with angels rising to heaven and others forward, backward and forward. Each gift; it came through his enormous effort. She stands– descending to strengthen him. He will not time the audience merits a glimpse of the He had reached elevated heights through Holding only the strings give up. He will push and push and the intense holy face, we are astounded anew, numerous struggles such as the one I had strength will come from above. Another witnessing a complete merging of humanity witnessed the previous night; times when ten minutes of eternity. He turns to face and sanctity. When they completely join, he felt tired, when he had no strength, the audience. the Rebbe completes his dance. and he just pushed. Being nominated as All that remains The struggle for me to absorb the a Rebbe doesn’t qualify one to receive But she holds on tight ethereal scene I had witnessed was intense. miraculous revelations; exerting oneself Can a mortal reach levels immortal? Can does. finite elevate to infinite? Was the regal Dancing onward, backward and white and gold kaftan outfitting a human forward, forward and backward, that is or an angel? what can lead me to greatness. Not the And she looks down extraordinary days; it’s the simple times that I just continue to plod, even when And notices exhausted. And when my feet are too Pretty flowers tired to move, I just need to hold on to the Aron Kodesh and jump; anything to just keep going. Looks up– 9 And sees swaying trees He dances in circles with his arms And that is what it takes to soar. outstretched, showering his enraptured And a blue sky Chassidim with blessing. His grandson stands close by, should the Rebbe need to lean on him when dizziness overcomes. Slowly, the Rebbe allows himself to close And she leaves go the Aron Kodesh. The parting is difficult; The next day, I was once again we all feel his loss. He dances once again, battling the usual emotions overcoming And breathes in the air forward and backward. The Aron Kodesh a divorced mother whose children are of her new reality. is closed, but he is taking the Torah along at their father for a few days, leaving me with him in his heart. rather lonely. I lay in bed willing myself to No, he cannot part. He opens the Aron use this opportunity to rest, but couldn’t Kodesh once again. He needs his beloved find peace within. I felt depleted and Sifrei Torah. He dances before them, his exhausted and unwilling to push anymore. soul merging with them and soaring on And then the image came to my mind: high. the Rebbe dancing his eternal dance. I Watching, we begin to worry, we pictured his exhausted feet, and felt along 22 23 The Dreaded Holidays

»»Dr. Miriam Adahan

The holidays are usually very difficult savings, or the time she was locked in the aberrations. After all, no sane person for divorcees. Holidays are supposed bathroom or hit as punishment for trying walks away from a happy marriage; no to be a time when families cement their to protect a child who was being abused. frum person will undergo the trauma of relationships and enjoy each other’s Amidst the holiday hoopla, she retreats divorce unless there is betrayal, abuse, company. Thus, for divorcees, holidays into her own mind, wondering how her addiction, or mental illness. And these are the most difficult of times, emphasizing children are faring on their visitations. are not subjects for discussion at the what is lacking in their lives–the love, If she wants her children to eat healthy dinner table. support, and encouragement that give foods, for example, it is likely that the Trauma isolates. One quickly us a sense of value and security. And children will be stuffed with Coke and discovers that the only people who those blessed distractions such as work, junk food. Worse, they may be exposed understand one’s particular trauma are shopping, and the mundane chores, to pornography, drugs, or a non-frum those who have experienced a similar which buffer the burdensome sense of way of life. If so, they return from those tragedy. Whether one has lost a child or loss, are absent. visitations in silence, confusion, and endured abuse by a family member, one The loneliness is excruciatingly anger. They may not even want to return quickly discovers that the desire to “feel painful at times. It may seem that all the home, or they return with behavior that felt” can only be met by people who have “normal” people one knows been there. are part of big, happy families. The most delicious gourmet Divorce is often accompanied Being invited out may not by a strong sense of shame solve the problem, as one often food does not make up for the and failure. Outsiders tend to feels like the token “miskain” condemn divorcees and scold, (pity case). Furthermore, emotional nourishment for which “You didn’t try hard enough. being invited to someone else’s If you had been smarter, you “normal family” can make one is starving. could have changed him. You one’s own sense of abnormality gave up too soon.” Almost For divorcees, holidays are the most difficult of times, emphasizing and loneliness even more intense. The is very similar to their father’s, which she weekly, major frum magazines publish most delicious gourmet food does not thought she had escaped. If they are with stories about various mental illnesses what is lacking in their lives–the love, support, and encouragement make up for the emotional nourishment her, she must put on a happy smile while that are easily treated with psychiatric for which one is starving. wondering how the divorce will affect medications, or abusers who miraculously that give us a sense of value and security. Often, divorced parents feel as if they them. became sensitive and loving after a are in a popularity contest, as the kids People undergoing painful cancer few sessions with a therapist. These choose where they want to be. A court treatments or widows struggling with the unrealistic expectations often make can obligate certain days or hours, but loss of a loving partner are able to talk divorcees think, “Why did I fail where sadness, loneliness, jealousy, and even yourself and your children. Write down Hashem. Keep reminding yourself, “If the heart is in the hands of the child. about their daily trials and tribulations. others succeeded?” Those of us who live fear. Never fight feelings. Embrace your smallest “victories” in a notebook He brought me to this, He’ll see me The rejected parent feels abandoned and Not divorcees. Few people will ask how in reality, however, know that happily- them as normal and inevitable. Provide and share these victories with other single through it. He gives me everything I need bereft. she survived the abuse and insanity or ever-after stories are rarely true. the loving empathy for yourself that you moms or with your children. Research – maybe not all I want, but everything I would want from a best friend. shows that children survive better when While others at the holiday table are how she deals with the loneliness. Sixteen years ago, after a 25-year truly need for my tikkun this lifetime.” 2. Instead of feeling like an outsider they see a strong, stable, happy mother. oohhing and aahing over the unforgettable Unlike Holocaust experiences, domestic marriage, I divorced. The holidays Who can comfort a shattered heart? cheesecake or spectacular glazed chicken, violence is a taboo subject. She cannot are still painful. To get through them with intact families, you might feel more So fake it if you must! Only Hashem. 9 the divorcee is contemplating more talk about how heroic she has been, requires a lot of pre-planning, physically, comfortable if you organize meals with 4. Learn. Since you may be free of painful realities, like the moment she since a divorcee must save her children’s emotionally, and spiritually. For example, other single mothers. social obligations, take the time to read caught him on a forbidden internet site, reputations for future shidduchim and 1. Accept the painful feelings. 3. Be very proud of yourself for every and learn. Dr. Adahan can be reached at emett@ realized that he had gambled away their potential worries about possible genetic There will be moments of overwhelming smile and every loving word you give 5. Daven. Create a strong bond with netvision.net.il 24 25 outside for the event. Even as we slowly more than a few inches off the ground. As unzipped the top of the habitat I didn’t she hopped closer to a puddle I was sure Maybe I too am a crumpled butterfly. have a solution for my crippled friend. I it was over. But my brave son managed Perhaps we all are, burdened and knew there were only two choices–set the to scoop her up at the last moment, and restricted by circumstance, position and others free but keep Butterfly #5 in the cradled her gently in his palm. most of all, self-limitations. Our wings habitat to care for, or place her outside He lifted his hand to get a closer look are shriveled and it may seem that we are on a plant or flower and let nature take and suddenly, without any warning, our destined to lives of clumsiness, of failed its course. My first instinct was to do the crumpled butterfly, with shriveled wings, attempts. We try again and again but we former, but since butterflies have a fairly began to fly! I looked up, shielding my don’t seem to succeed. Around us our short lifespan I was afraid of how its death eyes from the sun, watching the butterfly peers fly off, higher and higher while we might affect my children. But how could that couldn’t fly soar up, into the clear remain trapped in our “cage.” Until it I leave a defenseless creature on a leaf, on blue sky. “I did it Mommy! I fixed the happens. Until, in a moment of innocent its own? crumpled butterfly. I teached it how to belief and trust – in ourselves – that Four butterflies took flight into the fly!” With a small laugh, I bent down to we can and we will overcome, we’re set beautiful spring day, ascending up, up, hug my son as my eyes filled. He and his free. And in the darkest of times, when up and out of sight. My five-year-old friends were so excited that I don’t think it seems there is no hope, no reprieve, son asked me if he could pick up the any of them noticed me wiping away the no possibility, we need to remember this “crumpled” butterfly, but as he tried to stray tears. They didn’t know, they don’t with surety. There will be a time when we lift her out of the habitat, she fell onto the know, what a special thing they had just too will fly, when we’ll beat all odds and ground. My heart leaped into my throat. I seen. expectations and soar to the sky. 9 watched in a horrified panic as she began »»Tziri Lamm to jump, trying to fly, but never rising hf Musings on a Crumpled Butterfly

I didn’t originally write this article with myself in mind. But somehow the name of the magazine Butterfly made me realize that the ramifications of this story are considerably more far-reaching than I had originally imagined.

A few weeks ago I bought a butterfly was a fifth chrysalis hanging from the an incredible speed, Butterfly #5 could habitat and it was the focal point of our top of the caterpillar jar. It did take an not fly. home for nearly a month. My children extra day to form its white shell, though. Over the next few days I kept watching woke each morning to see what had A week later the butterflies began to her clumsily fall from the mesh sides to changed overnight–did the caterpillars emerge from their net “cages,” one by the bottom of the habitat to drink from grow? Did they spin cocoons? Did they one. Within two days there were four the balls of sugar-water soaked paper hatch into butterflies? The caterpillars/ beautiful black butterflies. A full day towels. I watched and I was overcome butterflies were the perfect “pets.” after number four stretched its delicate with sadness–a lump in my throat and One caterpillar always seemed to colored wings, number five squeezed out a strange, inexplicable tickle at the back be a bit slower than the others. First, it into the world. It took another day for of my eyes. Here she was, a beautiful didn’t grow like its four “siblings,” to me to notice that something was wrong. butterfly, perfect at first glance. But what the point that I was sure it was no longer Butterfly #5, the later bloomer, the slow happens when we let the other four fly among the living. I was just happy that grower, was crippled. While her upper free? What does one do with a butterfly at least four out of five would complete wings were fully formed, the lower ones that cannot fly? their metamorphosis. And so no one was were shriveled and curled close to her Yesterday we released the butterflies. more surprised than I was when there body. So, although her wings vibrated at My kids and their friends gathered 26 27 yourself a rich vegetable soup, or there anything I can do to stop it?” a salad or a healthy sandwich. It “Why would you want to? The really began with that commitment only thing that you see is that I have Restoration Revealed you made to take as good care of lost weight and I look younger than yourself as you do of other people you. Look carefully... Don’t I look in the family.” happier than you, too? Do you think “What are you talking about? I that I worry about all the useless things didn’t make any such commitment!” that get you down? If things don’t turn “You will,” she answered from out the way that I want them to, then I the mirror. “In about three more accept that the Ribbono shel Olam has months. After the accident, you will a plan that is better than mine. Instead start to look at things differently.” of all the useless fighting that you do, I “The accident! What accident! just go with it. Let me tell you, honey, it Mirror What are you talking about?” is fabulous! I focus my energy in doing “Well, it is unfortunate that you those things that give me pleasure, needed that accident to get it. But, connection, and a sense of purpose. fortunately, the accident helped. You might be a bit young to understand »»Rebbitzen Faigy Horowitz Talk While you were lying in the hospital what I am talking about, but when you you had plenty of time to think get older, it will all make sense to you.” Weeks later, we still want to be Clearly, as big as the Chillul Hashem to be scrupulous reporters of facts. Our about what was important in life.” “When I get older? I was already changed by the Kletzky tragedy. We want was, the Kiddush Hashem was of equal subjectivity prevails over our objectivity. On the one hand, I want to worrying about that...” to be better parents and better Jews in the magnitude. If we want our people to be presented leave the bathroom so that I could “Ha! Ha! Ha! You’re a baby, what aftermath of this horror-filled episode. How do we repair so much Chillul shout, “Ribbono shel Olam! What do you know? You and I, well, we are in the world in an objective fashion, as the We have listened to the experts teach Hashem splashed across international is going on here?” But, on the other going to live to a ripe old age… ad meah Am Hanivchar that answers to a Higher »» Rachel Salama. us how to talk to our children. We have print, digital, and audio media? hand, I do not want to miss one v’esrim! Don’t ask how much we are Authority as evidenced by our higher learned how to explain stranger danger Mishlei gives us the answer. B’chesed word of what this woman has to say. going to accomplish because I am not standard of behavior, we need to behave and the mitzvah of venishmartem. We u’vemes yechupar avon. Avon here So, I hold back the urge and I keep going to tell you. Some things need to with non-subjective emes. know to answer all the questions of refers to the sin of Chillul Hashem, talking. I collect myself and ask her be a surprise... So, start enjoying life. Mending the avon of Chillul Hashem children and how to frame examples that says Rabbeinu Yonah. When there is a tentatively, “Who are you?” You know, He is constantly taking your with chesed per Shlomo Hamelech’s are developmentally appropriate. Chillul Hashem the true value of Yidden “You,” she answers. picture. That’s right, now, let me see a We have listened to Torah leaders is obfuscated and K’vod Shamayim is directive is easy to understand. It is logical “Me? But you don’t look like little smile. That’s my girl! Relax, He’s give us hashkafic perspective and chizuk. diminished. Sheker prevails when there that when Yidden initiate their simply Is that the alarm? How can that be? me. Actually, you do look like me, got everything under control. It’s okay, We’ve heard Leiby’s father’s personal is defilement of the stature of the Am Jewish acts of loving kindness, it has a I must have set it wrong. It feels like the but I haven’t looked that good in years.” He really doesn’t need your help... “ tzidduk hadin and glimpsed depths of Hanivchar. Kiddush Hashem, on the simply extraordinary impact on the world middle of the night. Oh no! It’s already “Tragic, wouldn’t you say? You were Just then, my alarm rang. I went emunah and bitachon that we must sustain other hand, brings out the best in Yidden; out there. Who will forget the media seven o’clock! But I am just so tired! so young and you got so busy with all back to my bed and sat down to turn in the face of the inexplicable. We seek to reports of donated rolls of masking tape, O.K. Modeh ani… You think I can that stuff that you completely neglected it off. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I it is the truth of who we really are. Thus, do this new day thing, so who am I to yourself.” shook myself and wondered, “What just be uplifted and become better people in the tikkun for Chillul Hashem is emes, copies, food, volunteers, and community argue? “Oh my goodness,” I mutter. happened?” I jumped up and ran back the wake of a tzora of this magnitude. according to Shaarei Teshuvah. When we support during the search? I peel myself off the bed, drag “Please, just tell me about the accident, to the bathroom mirror. There I was. We’ve cried and we’ve davened. scrupulously adhere to Torah standards As the weeks turn from the summer myself to the bathroom and wash negil the hospital, where did it happen? Looking as I always had. Perhaps a bit We’ve been horrified by the deeds of our of emes we restore the perception of Klal to the Yomim Noraim, let’s do more than vasser. I glance in passing at the mirror When? What are you talking about?” more tired. She was gone. I rubbed the own and we’ve been inspired by the deeds Yisroel and we repair the damage of the concern ourselves with our own y’mei as I look for my toothbrush. “How do “It happens to women sometimes. mirror with a towel, confused. I rubbed of our own. The massive Chillul Hashem Chillul Hashem. hadin. Let’s focus on repairing ourselves blind people find their toothbrushes?” I They think they are invincible, that my eyes. Nothing doing. The only thing chilled us at the very same time that the Sometimes our standards of truth are and repairing our community’s reputation massive Kiddush Hashem warmed us. wonder. As I process my quick glance, they will be 100 years old with the that remained were her words, “So, start not what they should be. They may be at the same time. Let’s do chesed. Let’s be The achdus, the widespread participation business standards rather than Chofetz I am drawn back to the mirror. Wow, it vigor and youth of a 20-year-old. Like enjoying life. You know, He is constantly meticulously truthful and carefully honest. Sarah Imeinu. Oops, no Torah in the taking your picture. That’s right, now, in the search efforts, the spiritual response Chaim-like standards. They may be looks like I have lost weight. When did When each one of us is disciplined in that happen? bathroom, I forgot where we are...” let me see a little smile. That’s my of our community, and the outpouring of convenient standards that we justify to emes, we can restore our name in the The reflection in the mirror smiles at “The accident,” I am pleading. girl! Relax, He’s got everything under support for the grieving family made us ourselves because that’s the way things “Don’t worry about it. He will get control. It’s okay, He really doesn’t need feel proud to be Yidden. We introspected are done. Or we tell ourselves that l’maan world and truly be Yisroel asher becho me and says, “When you started going 9 to the gym regularly.” My mouth falls you through it. It will be so good for you. your help.... “ 9 and respected instead of clamored for hashalom, for the sake of peace, we can espaer. open, but she just keeps talking, “Once You’ll finally view yourself as important revenge and action toward the perpetrator. stretch the truth in the direction that we you started going to the gym every day enough to invest in.” And when the media noted these positive need. We stress one part of the reality and Based on the words of Avi Mori, you had more energy. Once you had “When exactly does this accident reactions of the frum community, we felt gloss over the other parts. We package and the Novominsker Rebbe, shlita, at the more energy, it was no big deal to make happen? You said in three months? Is like an “ohr la’amim,” a true light unto we showcase information that is useful to Kensington Asifa in memory of Leiby the nations. us and discard the rest when we ought Kletzky a”h. 28 29 Halacha Corner Eruv Tavshilin »»Rabbi Tzvi Rosen Star-K Kashrus Administrator; Editor, Kashrus Kurrents

A fundamental difference between Yom Tov or for Shabbos? the necessary preparations from Yom Tov Yom Tov observance and Shabbos To deal with this issue our Rabbis proper to Shabbos. It is now viewed as observance is the allowance of ochel instituted a procedure known as eruv though meal preparations for Shabbos nefesh, food preparation on Yom Tov. tavshilin.2 The process of eruv tavshilin have already begun before Yom Tov and “Ach Asher Yei’achel L’Chol Nefesh Hu works in the following manner. On Erev Shabbos meal preparations may continue Levado Yei’aseh Lachem...”1 Yom Tov, the head of the household, or on Friday Yom Tov, Erev Shabbos. The Torah permits us to cook, bake, his designee, should set aside a baked Once done, the eruv covers all and prepare food on Yom Tov proper, in item such as bread or matzoh, and a household members and guests. order to eat the prepared food on that cooked item such as meat, fish, or eggs The foods set aside for the eruv should day of Yom Tov. One is not permitted (i.e. a food that is eaten along with be saved and may be eaten on Shabbos. to prepare from one day of Yom Tov for bread). Each item should be at least the If one forgot to make an eruv tavshilin the second day of Yom Tov or for after size of one kezayis, preferably the size of one should consult a competent Rabbinical Yom Tov. This prohibition of hachana, one beitzah. He or she should then recite authority for further instructions. of preparing from one day of Yom Tov the blessing of “Baruch...Al Mitzvas to the next, presents a problem when Eruv” and the proclamation, both found Footnotes: the second day of Yom Tov falls out on in the Siddur. 1. Shmos 12:16 Shabbos or when Shabbos follows a two This proclamation states that the 2. Orach Chaim 527 day sequence of Yomim Tovim. cooked and baked items should permit Can one halachically prepare us to continue baking, cooking, lighting food on Yom Tov for the Shabbos a flame from an existing fire and do all

“I would definitely not want to serve a God whose ways are comprehensible to the minds of human beings.” R’ Menachem Mendel of Kotzk

30 31 baking; even as an octogenarian, she’d area; young “customers” can take home Tov in order to have some semblance of Feature a Resource bake tens of challahs on Erev Shabbos an outfit for each Jewish holiday and a preparation at home. On the day before with a hundred pounds of flour and give warm coat in the winter. Families become Yom Tov, a woman with health issues, a them out to everyone she knew — the customers with the reference of a rabbi, single mother with one daughter, called doctor, the dentist, and the cashier at social worker, or principal who vouches Bobbie’s Place Waldbaum’s. for their need. and asked for help. Michal explained that Michal and Avi go together to the she was closed for the holiday, but would Nestled on a side street in the heart of who embodied kindness and respect for factories and wholesalers; Michal chooses gladly help right after Pesach. Flatbush is an elegant children’s clothing others. Our extended family wanted to the styles and Avi negotiates the price. “A few hours later, however, Michal create something that would perpetuate “Bobbie’s Place has changed my boutique, its storefront covered with told me she wouldn’t be able to enjoy frosted glass. Inside, customers find rows her legacy. Since I’d already started life. Not because I’m busier than I ever Yom Tov knowing this girl had nothing to of the latest in boys’ and girls’ apparel, this project, we agreed to expand into a was, but because I’ve become less selfish; multiple dressing rooms, wall-to-wall store that would provide new clothing to I’ve learned to live my life with ‘kindness’ wear for Pesach. Would I mind stopping mirrors, and eager-to-please saleswomen. children with dignity — Bobbie’s Place. glasses, searching for opportunities to off at Bobbie’s Place on our way to Boro In fact, the only thing missing is a cash “We call it ‘Bobbie’s Place’ because give. And it doesn’t have to be grand.” Park for Yom Tov, to pick up a dress and this way, kids assume that a person What’s her favorite part of the job? register. Welcome to Bobbie’s Place. “Even as she neared death,” says drop it off for this girl? named ‘Bobbie’ owns the store. Bobbie “By far,” she says, “it’s watching the This decade-old shop provides 8500 granddaughter Shani Schick, “Bobbie’s “Not the typical request of a wife boys and girls with holiday wardrobes would be proud of this too — she was delicious kids; they relish every minute giving and grateful nature never in the store. Which girl doesn’t love before Yom Tov, but then again, not the and winter coats each year — gratis. always sensitive to the little things in life diminished. During her last weeks of life, shopping? I watch them go carefully Designed for families who cannot always that make people feel good.” typical woman.” she asked me to buy individual gifts and through the racks, deliberating on each afford new clothing, its mission is twofold: write personalized thank-you cards to outfit. Then, they make their selections, to clothe every child while at the same Bobbie Schick: Bobbie’s Story If you would like to reach Bobbie’s each of the three nurses who had cared try on the clothes, and twirl in front of the time preserving their dignity. “I was living in a small apartment At age 32, Mrs. Renee Schick, for her. mirror with beaming faces.” Place please call 718-677-4399 which Young shoppers have no idea that at the time and wanted to create some or Bobbie, became a penniless widow “On a hot day, she’d leave a note on Michal notes that this operation has will direct you to a voicemail. Please Bobbie’s Place is not your regular more space,” says Michal. “I collected with four young children to care for — the door that read: ‘Dear Mailman, It is helped her instill important values in her make sure to leave a very clear message. boutique. Accompanied by their parents, my daughters’ old but wearable baby overnight. Her husband died from an hot today. Please ring my bell to get a children. clothing and called up several giveaway infection on Purim of 1938; by early In order to join Bobbie’s Place you will these children savor the rare shopping drink.’ And he always did. “It’s hard to raise kids nowadays who stores to hand over the items. None of April she received an eviction notice need to answer a few basic questions and experience, admiring themselves in the “She had an old-time friend, Sarah*, feel they have everything they need but them were interested. from her New York landlord. She had mirror as they agonize over which outfit whose son, George, had cerebral palsy. aren’t spoiled because of it. But it’s hard supply a reference. Sister to Sister can be “I realized that if I had this problem, no money, no way to earn any, and her to choose. Once the momentous decision When Sarah and her husband passed to be spoiled when you see neediness your reference. We give out clothing four there must be plenty of others with the family was in Hungary. is made, they exit the store proudly, away, Bobbie sent George a cake each this close to home. My involvement in same issue. My husband is the kind of Bobbie wrote a letter to her uncle in times a year. clutching bulging bags that hold beautiful year on his birthday. This way, she said, Bobbie’s Place speaks louder than any person whose lives by Hillel’s dictum, ‘In Hungary describing her predicament, clothes. he wouldn’t feel like there was no one left formal lesson on kindness. It’s something a place where there are no men strive to be going so far as to ask if he could Before Succos every child receives a Behind every great operation stands in the world who cared about him. And my kids grow up with; giving becomes a man’ (Ethics of our Fathers 2:5). So temporarily take in her two younger sons. a great man or woman; Bobbie’s Place sure enough,” relates Shani, “the day natural. In fact, my daughters have hidden new winter Shabbos outfit. when I shared with him my used clothes- Her uncle replied that times weren’t has both. Michal Schick, dubbed “the before Bobbie died at 92, she called to in the store’s bathroom at times because After Succos each child receives a quandary, he said, ‘Why don’t you just good in Europe, and that the children Angel of Midwood” by some, takes care tell me that George’s birthday was later a classmate of theirs walked in and they open a “giveaway” store yourself? If should remain with her. But he gave her new weekday coat or jacket and used of the ordering and day-to-day running that week and she’d be gone, but would didn’t want her to be embarrassed.” there’s a void in the community, fill it.’ a blessing for livelihood and told her to winter clothing. of Bobbie’s Place; her husband Avi, I please make sure that he got a cake for And that’s what I did. bake challah and sell it; he felt this would who served as New York State Deputy his birthday. Between Purim and Pesach each child “We started off small, with a few be her salvation. A Queen of Kindness Attorney General and is now a partner “That’s the kind of person she receives a new summer Shabbos outfit. clothes-filled thirty-gallon Rubbermaid Amazingly, braiding challahs was “The secret to Michal’s success,” in a New York City law firm, is in charge was, always thinking about others less After Pesach each child may get used bins in the basement. I put my name the very last thing that Bobbie’s own her husband, Avi, asserts, “is that she of the business end. Together, they make fortunate.” 9 and address in a few newsletters, and grandmother had taught her before she doesn’t get caught up in the institutional summer clothing. an indomitable pair. “When she passed away,” Michal discovered a need I’d never known died. Using six socks to demonstrate, she aspect of what we do. She sees each child What was the impetus for their one- picks up, “we knew we had to do existed, even though I’ve lived in this had said, “You never know when it will and mother as individuals in a difficult of-a-kind organization? I spoke with something concrete to keep her memory community my entire life. My ‘buyers’ come in handy.” Bobbie now put this skill situation who need help. It’s incredibly Michal, the heart and soul of Bobbie’s alive. We felt Bobbie’s Place would be a were not strangers; they were friends, to use, depending on its success to feed hard to do that thousands and thousands fitting tribute, helping us to emulate her Place, to get a peek into the makings of a neighbors, acquaintances, people I knew. her children. of times each year, but that, even more ways.” kindness laureate. “Some time later, my husband’s Her uncle’s blessing was realized; than her dedication, is her true gift.” grandmother, Renee Schick, passed after some time, Bobbie became a Avi recounts a powerful story to From Basement to Building away. ‘Bobbie’, as she was known to renowned baker, eventually opening up Managing it All illustrate his point: Bobbie’s Place’s beginnings were us grandkids, was a larger-than-life “Schick’s Bakery,” the legendary Boro Bobbie’s Place is now open year- “About seven years ago, Michal decidedly non-dramatic. personality, a vibrant and witty woman Park bake shop. And she never stopped round, with branches all over the tri-state closed for Pesach two days before Yom 32 33 Mystery in the Garden

»»Yehudis Sashitzky CPC

Did you ever find yourself in a woodsy you are experiencing the mystery in the Often we do not recognize these area or garden’s shade, surrounded by briah, the secret that is Hashem. Since feelings for what they are: an emptiness the heady, spicy scent of tall evergreens Churban Bayis Sheini, Hashem has and longing for closeness to the Borei or other majestic trees? Have you ever hidden Himself from us, allowing us Olam. We think perhaps we need another stood spellbound, as I have, experiencing glimpses of His actions mostly in subtle dress or necklace and “then we will feel the gentle rustling of leaves as a gentle ways. Only someone who searches for happy.” Or we turn to eating to fill the breeze wafts in and out of patches in the Him, “connecting the dots” of the goings void. But these measures do nothing shrubbery? Have you watched the sun on of events around him, recognizes His for our discontent. We continually play hide and seek through the leaves? orchestration of everything and witnesses attempt to answer the neshama’s call Did you ever turn delighted eyes upon His presence. But although Hashem by increasing our gashmius possessions, vibrantly colorful wildflowers sprinkled hides from us, He still wants us to find doing this over and over, leaving the across a grassy meadow? Perhaps you Him! So He watches from behind the requests of the neshama sadly ignored. saw this scene at the hour when crickets, trees, shrubs, waterfalls, sunsets, hoping And so we continue to feel inexplicably silent through much of the day, determine and waiting for us to seek Him out and empty. No matter what you have amassed this to be the exact hour to finally give way “find” Him. in money, furniture, jewelry, it is all for to song. Sitting outdoors, playing the part If we only allow ourselves a moment the body – the neshama cannot attach of audience at a cricket symphony, have to realize what we feel, Hashem’s unseen or find happiness in these materialistic you marveled, as their chirping seemed to presence arouses a palpable longing in us. acquisitions. echo from every corner? As a moth to the light, so is our yearning We have so much, compared to Miller Zt”l says that cows, when their to keep peace when we would rather lash love to hear your thoughts and comments. Perhaps you were alone wherever you for Hakodosh Baruch Hu. Oftentimes previous generations who lacked running bellies are full, are content. Not so a Jew. out…under these circumstances our Please contact me at yehudis@ were and whenever this took place - but we ignore this hunger in pursuit of worldly water, home heating/cooling systems and Even with our bellies full, meaning, our neshamos are sustained. coachingempowers.net or at 917-324- 9 you did not feel lonely. Although you things. The result is that we are left with stores containing a vast variety of every homes fully furnished and our bodies fully And so, I’ll leave you with the thought 3125. did not feel lonely, you did feel a strong a terrible emptiness deep inside. possible delicacy and convenience. One outfitted with the latest styles, even with that, interestingly, despite wonderful primordial yearning. You remember The Michtav M’Eliyahu asks: Why would think we should be happy! We every physical comfort, we – our essence glorious moments of supreme pleasure Yehudis Sashitzky CPC, of Coaching there was something there in the garden, is our human nature never satisfied with have everything!! But this is not so. – remains empty and discontent, if we do and tremendous nachas, and there have Empowers, is a Personal Growth and in the woods, that produced a longing the Gashmius that we accrue? As our Many of us have little of the things that not grow. A feeling of completeness and been many of these, b’chasdei Hashem, Relationship Coach. Graduating Touro in your heart. The natural beauty of this Rabbis teach, one who has a hundred manifest real happiness. When you say contentment can come about only through some of my most meaningful memories are College with a double major in Psychology world is spread before you to feast upon, dollars wants two hundred. Someone “I” who is it that you speak of? Surely spiritual and emotional personal growth. of times when I struggled and overcame and Education, Yehudis is now pursuing as a buffet before the guest. who has one thousand dollars wants not of your legs, shoulders, or arms. It is We can resolve the neshama’s craving internal resistance to do the “right” her Masters in Marriage and Family When you make the time to mindfully two thousand, and so on. The Michtav your mind, your hopes, your essence that for personal growth by frequently turning thing. Precious moments that stand out Therapy. She has worked for P’eyim/Lev experience the unceasing variety and M’Eliyahu’s answer is simple and you refer to as “I,” that elusive thing that to Hashem in a meaningful way. We must in bold relief are those times when I fed L’Achim for the past 16 years. Yehudis splendor of our world, a place deep poignant: All of the items we gather is your chiyus: it is your neshama. reach for Him in tefillah and learning, all my neshama. In whatever role Hashem lives with her husband and blended family. inside you resonates to these truths and are gashmius; materialistic things are If we resist life’s lessons to nurture our the while growing in our tolerance and has cast you, self-knowledge is your key Experience for yourself the rewards of responds. Your eyes take it all in, but acquired by the body. But we are not souls by growing and stretching ourselves, acceptance of others, and chesed activities to thriving. clarity and insight that coaching will you feel there is something there that you just bodies! Our neshamos clamor our dissatisfaction persists. We remain in pursuit of shelaimus. When we stretch As a personal growth life coach I can bring you. Complimentary consultation. do not see, cannot see, with your eyes, for sustenance more loudly than our with intangible, obscure feelings of to overcome a difficulty in a Torah way, help you to better relationships and to Phone coaching is available. Yehudis can despite feeling it pull at you. bodies by engendering in us feelings of unhappiness and restlessness if we ignore we grow internally and our neshamos are overcome challenges with self-discovery be reached at 718-258-4020 or 917- Rabbi Avigdor Miller Zt”l says dissatisfaction, impatience, or unease. our neshamos’ clamoring. Rabbi Avigdor fed. When we do what Hashem wants of and acceptance. Because you want to: 324-3125. us despite the obstacles, when we struggle Thrive, not just survive! I would dearly 34 35 Pink Baby Carriages Been There, Done That »»Debbie Shapiro in My House? Baruch Hashem, it’s been almost 28 sense of worth. I was strong within myself, her feet in frustration, and cry, “Oh, Ima, years since I remarried and successfully felt comfortable in my own skin, and was one of them hit me…” Eventually, one of blended two shattered families to create not at all desperate to get married again. the twins fell and needed stitches over his something unique, beautiful, and strong Creating something whole out of two eye. I was secretly relieved; finally I would with a life of its own. Yet, I still identify halves is always difficult, and it becomes be able to tell them apart. But they soon with the challenges of being a single even more difficult when each of the halves had figured out my secret, and whenever mother (although, of course, we’re never is carrying a load of baggage. My kids they didn’t want me to know who’s who, truly single, we always have a Partner). used to say, “When we all married each they would place a hand over the place Thirty-odd years ago, divorcees were other,” because it was truly a marriage of where the scar was – or wasn’t. few and far between. There was no Sister two families, rather than two individuals. As someone who’s been there, done to Sister organization or support group; The family dynamics were mind boggling, that, what advice can I give to divorcees as a matter of fact, I only knew one other and in those days, family therapy, at least thinking about remarriage? Basically, divorced woman. She had four children, in Israel, was almost unheard of. Between don’t. In other words, don’t think about »»S.L. Weinstock I had three, and when she had to vacate pregnancies, births, and raising a blended it too much. Don’t be desperate. Instead, I’m making lunches and setting out the number of times I’ve had company there are no men around), I still feel like the apartment that she had lived in with family, the first fifteen years (yup, you accept your present situation and put all my kids’ clothes for tomorrow when my for Shabbos or Yom Tov, and it’s been a the spotlight’s been turned on too high. her ex, she moved into a building down read it right) were extremely challenging, your energies into building a beautiful life neighbor, who has just given birth, calls disaster almost every time. It’s far easier Eventually, I find myself a comfortable the block from me, so that we could offer but the one redeeming factor was that as a strong, single woman raising a Torah up. I guess she knows I’m still awake. I for me to go away for Shabbos, or use spot in the kitchen, near the action but each other mutual support. I really liked my husband! We stuck it family, a true mikdash me’at. Hashem pick up the phone and wish her mazal tov. my house as a rest station between meals, not exactly part of it, and things get a little One of the best steps that I took after out, and somehow we survived, both as created you, He gave you this challenge, “We want to make a kiddush for our than to open it up to company and host easier. getting my get was moving into a new individuals as well as a couple. and now, it’s up to you to grow within it, baby next week,” she tells me. “Do you people. And here I am, agreeing to host At eleven o’clock, the crowd begins and developing neighborhood with lots The physical work was extremely to discover your strengths and actualize think the women could be in your house?” not just a couple or small family, but forty to thin. The beautiful platters are of young families. Whereas before, I had challenging. We had six children between them. It’s not easy, but life is never easy. Since most of the families in my or fifty neighbors and their kids. What vastly depleted, with crumpled cupcake been the block’s “nebuch,” there I was the ages of six to nine (including one set And then, if He decides to present neighborhood live in tiny apartments that was I thinking? wrappers and sticky paper cups littering the experienced mom. I was the only of twins). Although buying shoes was a you with the additional challenge of a can’t handle the volume of attendees at the And then there’s the question of the tables. Within a few hours everything’s family in my building with a ladder, which real experience, five children wore the husband (yes, even really nice guys can be average baby girl kiddush, people often what, exactly, is the role of the hostess at need and tidy again. I gladly lent out to the neighbors (and felt same size shoe! Searching for those shoes extremely challenging at times!) use those choose to split their kiddush between two someone else’s kiddush. Do I need to say And I feel gratified, thinking back great doing it). Of course, I made sure in the morning under the beds and in the newly discovered strengths to continue 9 apartments, usually in the same building hello to everyone who comes in the door? to that Shabbos morning of pink-iced that the cookie jar brimmed with fresh laundry basket, and then making sure building an even stronger edifice. so the kids can run back and forth. Or do I just need to stay on top of how strollers and piles of paper napkins. It goodies to give the many children that they were placed on the proper feet, would “Of course,” I say, despite the fact fast the cake is consumed and replenish feels good to be able to give back the gift came to play in our small one-bedroom leave me literally shaking in exhaustion. Debbie Shapiro lives in Jerusalem with that, as a divorced mother of two boys, the platters? that my neighbors have given me: the gift apartment. I became a giver, rather Neither I nor my biological children her husband, children. and grandchildren. I’ve never hosted a baby girl kiddush in At ten o’clock on Shabbos morning, of sharing what you have with others. My than a taker, and that was a huge step were able to differentiate between my Her latest book, Women Talk, can be towards my emotional independence. I husband’s identical twins. Sometimes, it purchased at Jewish book stores or http:// my life. my questions haven’t been answered home might not be used to hosting others, realized that I could be me, even without could be really humorous, like the time one www.artscroll.com/Books/womth.html As I hang up the phone, my yet, but ready or not, kiddush time is but I’m glad that at least this once I was a husband, and that that “me” had a lot of them smacked my youngest daughter. She can be contacted at bubbyonline@ neighbor’s profuse thanks ringing in my approaching. The tables have been set, able to enhance my neighbors’ simchah to contribute. It was only after that “me” She ran into the kitchen, pointed to who gmail.com. ears, I wonder what I’ve gotten myself paper goods arranged, finishing touches and contribute in a small way. became strong and self-sufficient that I she thought was the culprit and said, into. But there’s no way I could have put on cake platters. My neighbor comes I sometimes wonder what my place was able to begin thinking of dating. I “Ima, he hit me.” But then the second twin said no. My neighbor is one of the first down with her newborn, while her mother is in the frum society, raising my boys on didn’t “need” a husband to fulfill my own appeared, and all she could do was stamp people who welcomed me to the building goes to collect the two older children my own without any male figure around when I moved in four years ago, and she from a friend’s house. The little pink- to round out our family picture. But and her husband have invited us for more iced stroller-shaped cookies, the luscious that Shabbos morning, when I used my Shabbos meals than I can count. Besides, pieces of chocolate cake, and the cookies house to host a kiddush, I didn’t need to it would be fun to be on the giving end of all shapes and sizes fill the air with a wonder. I have a home, and I can share it 9 rather than on the receiving end for once. heavenly aroma. with others. On the other hand, it’s been years I stand on the side, as my little-used since I hosted any major event in my dining room begins to fill up. Making S.L. Weinstock is a freelance writer and editor living in Yerushalayim with her family. Her work house. Since my divorce four years ago, kiddush out loud is the worst part. has appeared in the London Jewish Tribune, Yated I can count on the fingers of my hands Although I’ve done this before (and Ne’eman, Hamodia, and various other publications. 36 37 •Spare your children the details of 5. Let go of your former spouse. punishing yourself and your children. the difficulties your divorce has created. It seems so obvious. You got divorced. •Accept your divorce, let go of the Ensuring Your Child’s Success They have their own difficulties to deal The marriage is over. Some people who need to “get back” at your ex. with. can’t live together in love try to continue •Focus on rebuilding your own life in •Do all of your venting out of your the relationship through hatred. One a healthy and positive way. children’s earshot. or both of you have given up on the After Divorce marriage. If you feel that you were not 6. Set boundaries and 4. Don’t make your child your given a choice about the divorce, ask expectations for your children. messenger. yourself one question: “Would you really Set healthy boundaries for behavior »» Rachel Rose M.Sc. There are numerous ways for former want to be in a committed relationship in your home. If you are not sure what spouses to communicate. Some people with someone who does not appreciate they should be under your particular Ever wonder why some children with Everyone loses in that scenario. Negative speech undermines your choose to speak on the phone, others send and value you?” The sooner you accept circumstances, seek guidance from a parents who have divorced fare better •Accept that your child benefits from child’s trust in the speaker, as well as text messages or e-mails to one another. that the relationship is over, the sooner someone who is a competent authority on than others? Respecting these ten rules of having a relationship with both parents. the person who is being spoken about. Others might continue to communicate you can let go of the need to suffer. Some child-rearing. Don’t be afraid that if you post-divorce parenting can be a powerful (This obviously does not apply in cases It can even affect their ability to trust through their attorneys. All of these people mistakenly believe that if they set boundaries your children will prefer contributing factor to your child’s success where there is any risk of danger or abuse adults in general. Be careful not to send ways work. to be at your ex’s after a divorce. Keeping these rules will to the child. For the sake of this article, your child the message that all members Using children house. Some children not only help the children, it will help you it is assumed that if such protection is of your former spouse’s gender are bad, as the “mailman” are quite adept at too. needed it was obtained in court.) particularly not to your children of that between the two playing one parent •Allow your child to enjoy what each gender. parents does not against the other. 1. Give your child the gift of parent has to offer without making them •Proactively protect your child from work. Don’t fall prey to that not having to choose between their feel guilty. having to listen to harmful speech. Your role ais to game. Share your parents. •Commit to respecting the best protect your child, expectations for your Asking children to cut off from 2. Refrain from speaking poorly interests of your children regardless of not to put him in children regarding extended family compounds the loss that of your ex to your children. what your former spouse does. the middle of two getting up, going to divorce creates. Allowing children to It’s tempting. Your marriage did not warring factions. school, homework, maintain regular access to both sets of work out as you had hoped. You may 3. Spare your children the “Tell your chores, curfews, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins be hurt, disappointed, and angry. But details. father we have bedtime. Make your can contribute to a child’s self-esteem, remember, you’re the adult. Children Sharing too much information about nothing to eat!” expectations clear and as well as their sense of security and need to respect their parents. It helps how hard your life has become only “Tell your mother reasonable. belonging. them to respect authority in general, and confuses and burdens children. Giving that I also don’t!” The rules for your When children return from a visit, to grow up to be self-respecting. When your child too much information might be Such exchanges home may differ from either with the other parent or with you are critical of your former spouse you a subtle (or not so subtle) way of asking communicate a those at your ex’s relatives, refrain from asking competitive are teaching your child to be critical and them to help you. Rather than going into strong message home. That’s okay. questions. Everyone has something judgmental. Even if sarcasm, bitterness, the details of how little money is in your of insecurity and “That’s how your different to offer and children need all and hurtful statements were a trademark account, stick to a simple, “We need to vulnerability to Mom/Dad chooses to of it. They need the parent with more of your marriage, lose it in your post- be smart about how we spend our money a child. It leaves do things. Here, we money, as well as the parent with more divorce reality. now.” As the adult, you will need to find them wondering, do things differently.” love. They need the parent who is better Even if your spouse bad-mouths you, the best way to pay your bills, even if it “If both of the If you are comfortable at helping with homework as well as the don’t respond, don’t retort. It only lowers means getting a job, taking a loan, or people who I with the rules that you one that makes the best spaghetti and your child’s respect for you. You might asking someone to help out financially would turn to for the basics don’t have, suffer enough their ex will come back are setting, you increase the chances that meatballs. feel that if you do not “defend” yourself, until you can make necessary changes. what will happen to me?” (and save them.) It is a painful fantasy your children will be, too. Explain that Asking your children to choose one your children will think less of you. In That is not your child’s responsibility. Children have a hard time separating to have to live with. Even if your ex did you are interested in what is good for parent over another, whether overtly reality, it is the on-going fighting that will Remember that all the changes and the words and facial expressions that are return, it is not the foundation for a them, and that you are only doing this or through subtle messages, can create lead to an erosion of respect for you. issues that are troubling you are probably spoken to them, even if that they were not healthy relationship. because you care. anxiety and guilt. Not knowing who to Negative speech undermines your troubling them, too. If you make them feel meant for them, especially if they were Strive for balance. On the one hand, choose creates anxiety. So does fear of child’s trust in both parents. that you are unable to handle it, they lose meant for someone else who that they Rather than interrogating your you want your children to be responsible reprisal by the scorned parent. Being There is another selfish reason to not their sense of security. They need you to love. children about what your ex is up to, and functional. At the same time, you want “unfaithful” to a parent can create speak poorly of your former spouse. If be there for them; don’t make them feel •Choose a healthy method of focus on what is going on in your house. to encourage your children to continue to tremendous feelings of guilt. This can someone speaks poorly of someone you that in addition to everything they’re communication with your former spouse If you really want to “get even,” let it be enjoy their childhood. If your child seems lead to hurt and anger in the child for love, what do you do? Usually you run to going through, they need to be there for that keeps your child out of the middle. by moving on and having a good life in to be unable to enjoy him or herself, or having being asked to make that difficult defend them, even if you suspect that they the adults in their life. •Hurting your spouse “through” your spite of the divorce. When you put your if you find yourself feeling sorry for your choice. Some children will disconnect are wrong. When you attack your ex, you Make your calls to your lawyer or your child is nothing more that hurting your energy into punishing or getting back at children, speak to a qualified therapist. emotionally from both parents as a way are forcing your child to come to your ex’s friends to vent about your ex at a time and child. your former spouse, you are really only • Don’t be afraid to set boundaries of coping with having to make a decision. defense, even if it is only in the child’s mind. place where your children are not in earshot. 38 39 that reflect the values of your home. in life. Your children need you – your cloud. Develop your and their ability to believe that you can do something, you •Encourage your children to enjoy time, your attention, your understanding, access the good in everything that happens. can. When you believe that you can’t, you their childhood. and your encouragement. Understand Believe that this experience, like any won’t. Speak the language of positivity. that anything that you do that hurts test, is an opportunity for growth. Show Your belief in a brighter future can help 7. Keep the lines of your child’s other parent, will hurt your through your example how to use a tough you and your children to really have one. communication to your children child. Limit what you are willing to do to time as a stepping stool, rather than an •Help your child develop resilience open. acquire their love and allegiance. obstacle. Model patience, flexibility and skills to take with them through life. Be there to listen. Don’t judge or tell •Decide who you want to be in your acceptance for your children. Encourage •Look for meaning. Speak the 9 your child how to feel. Validate how they post-divorce reality. Create a map of out them to take little steps towards growth. language of hope and possibility are feeling now, while pointing out to how to get there. Help children to build resilience by Rachel Rose, M.Sc. is a family and individual them that they may not always feel that •Let go of competition. Model staying connected to family and friends. Find “big brothers” or “big sisters” to be therapist in private practice in Jerusalem, Israel. way. Time has a way of changing things. becoming a bigger person. She can be reached at (054) 726-8870 or at Let your child know that you are always there for your children. Encourage your [email protected]. there for them. Don’t ask questions that 9. Create safety. children to do things that help them feel Reprinted from Aish.com will require your child to point a finger Regardless of how often you see accomplished. Encourage them to look for your children, make your home a place and develop their strengths. Use hopeful at your former spouse. Ask your child if “Well, if I were Winnie the Pooh, I would of safety. Your home should be a place language, talk about meaning. When you he or she would prefer to talk about those be sad that Tigger didn’t invite me to his where children are respected, cared for, difficulties with an impartial adult, such birthday party.” Then talk about the shown love and acceptance and taught as a therapist or an adult family friend. choices available to Winnie the Pooh. responsibility. It does not matter what is Many times as a marriage is •Be there to listen to your children’s going on at your ex’s house. In fact, if unraveling, children develop the belief emotions without judgment. you feel that there is not enough safety at Ask the Divorce Attorney that if only they could be “good” then •Make sure your child know the your ex’s house, the safety you create only their parents would stay married. For divorce was not their fault. those children, the marriage’s failure is becomes that much more important. If you have any questions that you would like to see addressed in this column, please email them to confirmation that they just weren’t “good” 8. Become a bigger person. Be responsible. Be there when you [email protected]. enough. Communicate to your child that Proactively choose who you want to be say you are going to be there. Do what the divorce was not his or her fault. Even after a divorce. Set short term, medium, you say you are going to do. Apologize if your child says that they never thought and long term goals for your yourself when you let your child down. It is better that it was, it will be reassuring to hear and for your family. Divorce creates the not to commit to something that you will Q. I need to hire an attorney. Many of my friends have referred me to different that you don’t think so. possibility for a new beginning. Let go of not be able to do, for this erodes trust. attorneys and I am so confused. How do I choose the best divorce lawyer for me? Your child might be quiet and may the past, and of blaming or complaining. It is the parent’s responsibility to make not want to share any feelings. Respect It is over. Only today is significant. Decide sure that there is food in the house. A A. Finding the right attorney is a difficult and daunting process. It is best to start by inquiring of your friends and family as to that. If you think that it might be related who you want to be, starting today. What child who doesn’t have what to eat cannot the strengths and weaknesses of their divorce attorneys. Bear in mind, however, that you friends’ divorces may be very different will it take for you to get there? concentrate in school. Parents have the to a lack of emotional vocabulary, help from your own. Schedule appointments for consultations with 1-3 attorneys and be prepared to pay consultation fees. While Get your own therapist so that you job of creating a structure for cleanliness your child develop one. As you read to some attorneys offer free consultations, most do not. The key to choosing the right person, apart from having confidence in his/her are not tempted to have your children fill and order in the home. A child that can’t your child, ask him or her what he thinks professional experience, is feeling comfortable with that attorney and also having complete trust in him/her. Be prepared to ask that role. A good therapist can help you find their shoes in the mess will have a the character is feeling at different points questions, including whether he/she specializes in divorce matters. Retaining an attorney who specializes in divorce is essential. to process what has happened in your hard time getting to school on time. A in the book. Inject your own thoughts, You would not want to go to an eye doctor if you have foot pain. Likewise, you do not want to hire an attorney specializing in real marriage and afterwards. Divorce is a child with no bedtime routine will struggle estate to handle your divorce. Ask the attorney how many divorce cases he/she has handled in your county and how many he/she loss that needs to be mourned. Respect through the next day’s activities. has handled that are similar to your case. Ask about his/her trial experience and whether they have experience litigating against your that your loss is different from your •Safety means showing your child spouse’s attorney. Ask if anyone else in the office will be handling your case and to what extent. If so, ask to meet that attorney as child’s. Model that it is okay to get help to respect, love, and acceptance. Say what well, to ensure that you have confidence is his/her abilities. Ask about the legal fees and the billing procedures. Ask how quickly talk out problems. By dealing with your you will do, and do what you say. you can expect a response to your phone calls. All phone calls should be returned within a reasonable time, certainly within 24 difficult feelings and getting through them •A safe home means providing food, hours. In fact, one of the biggest complaints that litigants have against attorneys is the failure to return telephone calls. Discuss you can become a bigger person from the shelter, and structure for your child. your objectives and whether the attorney believes that they are realistic. Be aware of any attorney who makes any guarantees. We experience. are only attorneys and do not have crystal balls. The attorney should only promise to do his/her best. An attorney who promises Being a bigger person means letting 10. Teach resilience. a particular outcome is not to be trusted. Finally, be honest – if you do not feel you can trust the attorney, find another one. 9 go of competition. The competing game Resilience is one of the most valuable is one where everyone loses. What will gifts a parent can give a child. Show your Esther Schonfeld, Esq. is a partner in Schonfeld & Goldring, LLP, with offices located at 112 Spruce Street, Suite A, Cedarhurst, be etched in your children’s memory child that even when things get hard you New York. The law firm represents clients located in the five boroughs, Nassau, Suffolk, Westchester and Rockland County in all for life is not who bought them the most and your children can get through the aspects of family and matrimonial law with resolution through litigation, mediation and collaborative law. She can be reached at toys, but who had values that they could difficulties without falling apart. Teach 516-569-5001. respect. Care enough about your children your child that everything happens for a to guide them onto the path of success reason. There is a silver lining to every 40 41 Ask the Therapist Health Corner

Dear Rachel, A Whole I went through a very difficult marriage and recently got divorced. I am very worried about my children, especially the teenagers, in terms of how they will ever feel safe enough to trust in relationships after having been so badly betrayed. Thank you, New Year Concerned »»Shani Goldner MS, RD, CDN, CFI Dear Concerned, I can definitely understand your fear, so much so As Rosh Hashanah is approaching, benefit from a diet that includes whole that I would even take it a step further. In my practice, Now that Rosh Hashanah is I see that the single mothers themselves report this very let us make some healthy new resolutions grains. Aside from the weight loss, if that concern, not only about their children’s inability to to get this year off to a healthy start. Whole is needed, there will be a benefit to their here and many people are baking trust, but in their own. The common refrain sounds grains have been shown to provide many cholesterol and insulin levels after just a challah, why not try whole wheat something like, “If I gave my heart to my spouse and health benefits. They have proven to lower short time. An ounce of prevention now challah? I got this recipe from it ended up being broken, how can I ever make myself cholesterol, keep blood sugar levels under can save your children grief later on in my friend Briendy Bertam and I vulnerable again?” or “How do I know that all men control, reduce cancer risk, and help life. aren’t like that?” maintain a healthy weight. If you make Researchers at Harvard studied thought it tasted great! We can liken the relationship between a parent and one change this year, make it whole grains. nearly 30,000 female subjects. They child to the relationship between you and the ground A large part of the benefit of eating whole found that over ten years, those who ate Whole Wheat Challah you walk on. We all take it for granted that when we grains is their high fiber content. A whole the most whole grains had an 11% lower 3 full tablespoons dry yeast get out of bed in the morning and stand up, the earth grain contains the entire seed of the plant chance of developing high blood pressure. 2½ cups warm water will be under our feet to hold us up and support us. If that has all three layers: the bran, germ, Another team of scientists found that 2 tablespoons Splenda one day there is an earthquake or if there is no ground and endosperm. During the processing seniors consuming the most whole grains at all beneath you, your entire feeling of security would to make “white” grain, the germ and the had a lower body mass index (BMI), 2 whole eggs disappear. And every morning before you put your feet bran are removed. This causes the fiber, weight, and a smaller waist. More whole ½ cup honey on the ground you will be apprehensive as to whether protein, and other key nutrients to be lost. grain consumption was also associated 2 tablespoons salt the ground will be there. Our children rely on us for That is why it is so beneficial to eat whole with lower total cholesterol, lower LDL 7/8 cup whole wheat flour support, security, and safety. We are their earth, their grains. Whole gains are not only made up cholesterol, and improved glucose Add ½ cup oil means of support, both emotionally and physically. of fiber, they are a complete food where response. They rely on us to be there for them at all times. When many health benefits are found in the Eating whole grains instead of there is a divorce, it is inevitable that with it will come complete package of the whole grain. The refined grains lowers the risk of many Directions: with a sense of instability and fear. Dietary Guidelines Scientific Committee, chronic diseases. While the benefits were Dissolve the yeast, water, Having said that, there are concrete ways to recover found 18 nutrients in whole grains. They most noticeable in those people who and Splenda and wait until it from this fear of trusting and then losing, both for include fiber, many B vitamins, iron, consumed at least 3 servings a day, other bubbles. Then add the eggs, divorced women and for their children. magnesium, zinc, vitamin E, and many studies found that there was a reduced honey, salt, and whole wheat antioxidants. You should aim for five risk in people who consumed as little as 1. Trust in Hashem. Being willing to see Hashem’s servings of whole grains daily. one serving of whole grains each day. So flour and mix together. Add oil wisdom and love, even in the midst of confusion and to talk to your kid’s rabbeim and teachers about your concerns. At any given time in the United if you or your children are not a big fan of and mix for 12 minutes. Let it pain, is work but it works! Reading books like Garden of States, about 44% of women and 29% 4. Understanding the absent parent and recognizing whole grains, remember that not all your rise for 45 minutes. Separate Emunah or Shaar Habitachon helps bring inner-peace. that his acting out is usually the result of a mixture of genetic of men are trying to lose weight. Whole grains have to be whole grains. Even if Having a relationship with Hashem is the ultimate predisposition, family of origin, and his own defects of character grains leave people feeling full; this makes challah without a bracha. Then you switch just one or two of your grains relationship that one can always count on. And even when we can help neutralize the pain caused by seeing his behavior as a it easier to stay on a healthy diet. Whole braid and paint the challah with to whole grains, every whole grain added disappoint Him, He never loses trust in us and is always willing conscious act of betrayal. gains slow down starch absorption and to your menu helps! 9 egg yolk. to take us back. 5. Therapy is very helpful in working through trauma and this prevents the insulin spike that usually Bake at 425º for 15 minutes. 2. You and your children have each other so you must coming to a sense of understanding and closure. Specifically, follows a meal of highly processed grains. Shani Goldner is a Registered Dietitian and a Then lower the temperature work extra hard to be a model for them in commitment and EMDR, sand tray therapy, and guided imagery are very Everyone knows that it is harder to diet CDN with a Masters of Science. She runs a private trustworthiness. Try to be as predictable as possible. Have effective. 9 when you are hungry, so if whole grains nutrition practice where she counsels children, to 375º for 20 minutes or until routines and be physically affectionate. We call this a “holding leave you feeling full and craving sugar adolescents, and adults in weight loss, diabetes, ready. environment.” Rachel Schnitzler is a licensed marriage and family therapist in less often, it will be easier to make good hypertension, cardiovascular health, and cancer- related nutrition. She can be reached at (718) 854- This recipe yields 3 challahs 3. Look for role models both for yourself and your kids. Eat choices while dieting. private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey. 5784. She is an Oxford provider. Phone consults or 6 mini challahs. This recipe Shabbos meals with families that have a stable, healthy husband, The benefits of whole gains are are available. For more information please see doubles beautifully. find a rav that you and your kids can turn to, and don’t be afraid not limited to adults. Children too can www.mynydiet.com. 42 43 his feelings are important. Emotions can Parenting Potential »»Toby Vogel, MHC be labeled and talked about. Only then Criticism M Complain without Blame can you support your teen through the M problem, or to help him solve the problem Defensiveness Take Responsibility while setting limits about unacceptable M behaviors. Contempt Build Culture of Appreciation Stonewalling M Do Physiological Self-Soothing Teen Talk John Gottman outlines four basic communication errors that occur in plans but you can either invite Avi over Often, parents wait for their children while emotions are intense–in a way that busy in the kitchen or the computer while close relationships, and tips on how to here and I can order pizza and let you use to grow up so that they can be more enriches their life experience and teaches they are carrying on? Contempt master communication that will help your the computer together, or I can speak to Approaching a problem with an responsible, more helpful, and more them how to cope with strong feelings–will Do you ask them why they cannot be teenager grow and learn from difficult his mother and think of a different idea. attitude that says you think you are better mature. Some parents dream of having a help when conflicts and power struggles considerate of you and see how hard you emotional situations. than they are is the third communication child with whom they can communicate, arise, and may sometimes even help the work? error. Usually a contemptuous shmooze, and share. Yet, the adolescent teenager feel a bit more understood. Do you explain that you try to give Defensiveness Criticism When teenagers say something you attitude is accompanied by non-verbal stage of development may feel more Suppose your teenager wants to buy them everything they need but you cannot Blaming a teenager for a problem, don’t like or push your buttons in a nasty, communication like rolling the eyes, like an endless roller coaster ride whose the latest gadget or requests money for any give them everything they want? even if it is her fault or even when she did hurtful way, you may quickly react with sneering, or making a joke about them. If ups and downs create an unpleasant “teenage expenditure.” He knows money Do you tell them that they have some do something wrong, makes her feel like words that you may come to regret. The you find that you are contemptuous when environment for the entire family. is tight, or that you don’t approve of the serious issues because you are not an she is the problem and that something is solution is to take responsibility for a part talking to your teenager, it is crucial that Only teenagers can make you miss purchase, or makes the request because ATM or a bank robber? not okay with her. This is not constructive of the problem that may be related to you, you develop an attitude of appreciation. the newborn colicky stage. Sleepless this is the pattern of his communication. Do you manage a warm response, and will not help dissipate the strong and to refocus the discussion on solving Work hard to point out the positive, to nights, high pitched cries and round-the- So he begins by blaming you for simply saying, “I know you really want emotions or solve the issue at hand. The that problem. say thank you, and to acknowledge your clock infant care surely sound better than everything difficult in his life; he carries that money”? solution is to complain or explain without teenager’s positive qualities on a daily dealing with the decisions that can keep on about how you don’t understand him These are some reactive responses that blame. Only teenagers can basis. you awake all night, the intense daily and then throws in a dagger or two about parents usually make in communicating arguments, and the complete confusion you being such a loser or how soon he with their teenagers. Do they work? Teen: Can you take me to my friend’s make you miss the Teen: Why do you always say no? surrounding the adolescent stage. Are won’t need you anyhow. At the heart of Probably not. Even love is not enough house now? I must study for tomorrow’s Everything I want to do, you say no. you capable of being there for them, all these angry and hurtful words is an when your child is burning angry, newborn colicky exam and I don’t have good notes. Contemptuous Mom: I say no? caring for them the way you did when they emotional communication that illuminates carrying on, and really wants the money. Critical Mom: I can’t believe you Look who says no all the time! When I were newborns? When your older child is the emotional life of your child. He is It is a challenge to find the right stage! didn’t let me know earlier. You are so asked you take out the garbage, YOU anxious or scared about something, how probably feeling worried about finances words and strike the right balance in selfish. You think the whole world revolves Teen: This place is such a pigsty. say no. When I say lower the music or do you deal with it? or anxious if his life will really be secure. communication. But it is crucial to around you. You are so disorganized. Nothing is ever ask you to watch your sister for fifteen Teenagers have an intense need to He may be feeling confused about any remember that how we deal with the or on time. I cannot find my sneakers and I minutes, you say no. I can handle a no. If feel understood and yet feel that no one number of things, or simply angry that conflict is at the heart of problems with Communicating Mom: You want know I put them in my room. You really you can’t handle a “no” then you have a understands them. Regardless of their his situation is unlike his friends’. teenagers. It is worth repeating to yourself me to go to take you to your friend? Hmm. need help because obviously you cannot serious problem. I told you that you need parents’ marital status, teenagers struggle Teenagers don’t realize that the stage that the problem is not the angry conflicts I understand that you made up to meet manage. Even Ari’s mother works full- therapy. with similar developmental issues and they are going through is normal, perhaps but how you deal with them that creates her but since I wasn’t told in advance I time and her house doesn’t look like this. or needs for support. Teenagers of divorcing made a bit more difficult by the divorce, problems. Dealing with their anger in cannot take you just now. I wonder if you Defensive Mom: Let’s go to your Communicating Mom: I families may use different ammunition in but not your fault. Their blaming and a constructive way can actually be an would help me with the dishes so I can room so we can see what a mess is. Can appreciate that when I asked you to go their conflicts with their parents, but the manipulation precludes them from taking experience of growth. take you in about fifteen minutes. you expect to find anything here? Is to the grocery you went right away. It pattern of “conflict communication” and any responsibility for their actions, words, It is hard because strong emotional maid service also on your wish list? First was really helpful because I needed to power struggles are the same. Divorce and decisions. expressions are usually intimidating to Teen: I am going to meet Avi at the take care of your own mess before you finish the cake. You really are becoming complicates such a scenario because these parents. The usual knee-jerk response is mall tonight at eight. harangue me. If only you would listen more responsible. I know you want to go teenagers have additional leverage to use How do you generally handle to act how your parents reacted, so self- Critical Mom: What are you, out of and follow through on your chores, things out now and find it hard that I told you to manipulate the situation. They can conflicts with your teenagers? awareness and -consciousness about how your mind, or do you think I lost my mind? wouldn’t get so disorganized. no. Can we talk about it in about three threaten to make up stories against you Do you tell them that they are being you feel about your child’s emotional Why do you make plans I definitely won’t or minutes, so I can I finish what I am doing to your ex-spouse or authorities involved. chutzpadik and lecture them on how outburst is a crucial first step. Are you approve of and then get upset at me for Communicating Mom: I know this now? They can threaten to go live with your ex. inappropriately they are talking to you? scared, also angry, overwhelmed, or saying no? Are you normal? house is a mess. Look at the dining room And most of all, they tend to blame their Do you tell them that if they would feeling helpless? or table. I know that it is difficult to live this parents and the divorce as the source of help you out with the chores then you The next step is to tell yourself that this Stonewalling Communicating Mom: I know way, especially when you are looking for all their problems and expect you to clean could help them out with their money is a difficult time but also an opportunity Ignoring your teenager’s tantrum and you were counting on meeting this new something in a rush. Let me help you find up the mess the divorce created in their issues? to get to know your child’s emotional continuing to act like nothing is happening friend in the mall tonight and you really your sneakers and then we can talk later lives. Do you tell them that you cannot or world, an opportunity to engender is called stonewalling. Ignoring bad hoped that this one time I will let you on tonight about cleaning up around here A parent’s ability to engage a teenager will not talk about it, and immediately get closeness between you and teach him that behavior can sometimes be helpful, but go so late. It’s uncomfortable to change and getting things organized. consistently not finding a way of talking 44 45 things through makes it impossible to read the following suggestions. selfishly, you are the parent, you are In my kitchen, which I fondly •LOTS of paper towel or toilet engage in constructive problem solving. See the chart on the previous page for the grown-up, and ultimately you are in liken to a steam locomotive barreling paper rolls You miss the empathy necessary to build a quick reference and keep it handy so you charge of the situation and only you are downhill on a greased railroad track, •scissors a connection with your teen. Instead can stay on track. Teenagers have very strong enough to soothe the stormy seas. there are very few things that will of stonewalling, try going to your room sensitive antennae as soon as they hear a •glue gun or Elmer’s glue or stapler for a few minutes to break contact with change in your pattern of communication Try to think of the positive aspects of bring all the excited molecular activity •paper clips (if you’re using Elmer’s the cycle of conflict. Clear your mind by it piques their interest and usually helps your teen. Think of the times he helped to a grinding halt. A blackout is one. glue) you, acted mature, or didn’t create a fight. Another involves shampoo and my four doing something else completely and then them express themselves in a better way. •paintbrushes (optional) come out and talk to your teenager. Remember how you tried to stay calm Think of the qualities you like about her: year old. And yet one more is running •paint (optional) despite your newborn baby crying around her depth, her intellectual capabilities, out of paper towels. •glitter (optional) Teen: “I am not going to school” the clock? Try to find a way to calm her creativity, the way she interacts with (after a morning of mini-conflicts). yourself down in this difficult teenage young kids, or anything else that makes I must admit, the thought of pulling Stonewalling Mom: (continues stage too. Instead of focusing on all the that last gluey towel off the roll was Crush the paper rolls on a flat washing the dishes and ignores him.) things your child did wrong, after every you smile when you think of your child. surface. or conflict think about your reactions: what The teenage stage has long been something I really didn’t deal with all Communicating Mom: “I hear you said, what your feelings were, how you compared to the terrible twos stage. At that well. I might even have cried at one When you’re happy with the way the what you are saying but I need to calm handled the situation. Remind yourself both times the child’s favorite three words point. After all, they’re pretty much a rings are arranged, glue or staple them down from this crazy morning. Don’t that it is indeed just a stage, and that it are NO, IT’S MINE, and I can do it staple. But I must say, when I stumbled onto each other. If you’re using Elmer’s bother me in my room for ten minutes and is important to maintain a connection ALONE. You survived the terrible twos upon this adorable craft, which is not then we can talk.” with your child. Staying focused on the and all the tantrums; you will survive the only innovative and creative, but eco- glue, you’ll need to paper clip them transience of the stage and the importance 9 friendly, easy for every age and perfect Take a few moments to remember of a connection will help you even when teenage years, too. into place as they dry. You may use a for Sukkos, I realized the upside of the communication errors that you things are angry and hurtful. stapler as a quick alternative (which I usually make with your teenager. Think Strengthen yourself by remembering Toby Vogel MHC is a therapist and writer gaining a new craft supply meant I about the patterns of your conflicts and that even if your teenager thinks he has residing in Yerushalyim. She can be reached might never shed another tear the next did, as my article was already due), but communications before continuing to more power, is smarter, and is acting at [email protected]. time I finish a roll. Maybe. the finished product will ultimately look better without unsightly staples. A word of advice: you’ll need more »»Esti Barker rolls than you think to make this project. Smart Crafts You can ask friends and neighbors to Cut rolls into approximately 3/4” save their empty rolls for you. rings. (You should be able to get about 15 rings from each paper towel roll, or Paper Towel Roll Decorations 6 rings from each toilet paper roll.)

Here are some examples of finished wreaths for inspiration. As you can see, there are tons of different shape Optional: For added flair, you can combinations, so even if paint the rings various colors, and even You have the option of creating you do this project with many little ceiling decorations, or sprinkle on some glitter. a few people, no two alternatively, a much larger and more To hang from your sukkah, simply Arrange the rings on a large, flat dramatic version can be hung on the thread a wide grosgrain ribbon through will be the same! Have a sukkah wall. Whichever one you choose, surface, creating floral shapes and the topmost petal. 9 great Yom Tov! it’s a striking and whimsical addition to patterns (this is the fun part). your usual Yom Tov décor. 46 47 of the Arts where they can learn how to New York Hall of Monday – Friday: 10 a.m. – 6 p.m. paint, sculpt, or appreciate all different Science Saturday & Sunday 9 a.m. – 6:30p.m. Free Activities In and Around NYC kinds of art. 47-01 111th Street Open rain or shine free & open to the Pay as You Wish Thursday 4-6pm Queens, NY 11368 public. 718-699-0005 The first Imagination Playground Bronx Zoo The New York Hall of Science Park opened to the public on July 27, 1040 Grand Concourse, Bronx, NY occupies one of the few remaining 2010, at Burling Slip in the South Phone: 718-367-1010 structures of the 1964 New York World’s Street Seaport area of New York City, a Sony Wonder Occupying four floors and 14,000 square But the wall interacts with shadows Admission by donation all day on Fair in Flushing Meadows Corona Park collaboration between the New York City Technology Lab feet, from the very beginning visitors know cast by visitors, and the sand nuggets Wednesday in the borough of Queens in New York Department of Parks and Recreation and 550 Madison Avenue this is something special. In the lobby accumulate on visitors’ shadows, pooling City. Today, it stands as New York City’s Rockwell Group. Features of this site- New York, NY 10022 there’s an robot who actually interacts on shoulders, heaping in cupped hands. specific park include: a ramp, sandpit, Phone 212-833-8100 with the children waiting to enter the Soon visitors discover that they can link slide, cascading water channel, rope Lab. It’s not until later in the visit that the shadows and strangers learn to work climbing structure, masts and pulleys, The Sony Wonder Technology Lab secret is revealed. The robot is actually together to pass the sand back and forth. and a listening forest. Inspired by the (SWTL) is a free four-story, interactive controlled by an unseen master using There’s also movies screened in their commercial activity that took place at technology and entertainment experience goggles and gloves to make the robot an High Definition television theater. All historic Burling Slip, loose parts such as for all ages. extension of operator’s own body. exhibits are wheelchair accessible and the burlap bags, buckets, shovels, brooms, Located in mid-town Manhattan, Visitors start at the fourth floor by Lab also offers American Sign Language carts, and fabric are to be incorporated logging into the computer network. The tours. Reservations for these ASL tours within the play activities. And to reflect are available for individual families and the proximity to the East River, buckets, groups. sandbags, and wooden dams have been integrated into the water play. Seating Brooklyn Botanical and storytelling can happen in the tiered Gardens steps of the amphitheater. 1000 Washington Ave Brooklyn, NY 11225 New York Botanical only hands-on science and technology Staten Island Ferry (718) 623-7200 Staten Island Ferry runs 24 hours Garden center. The more than 450 hands-on Free Admission on Tuesdays a day and is free at all times. Enjoy the Bronx River Parkway and Fordham exhibits explore biology, chemistry, and March 15, 2011–November 6, 2011 ride to and from Staten Island and Lower Road, Bronx, NY physics. Tuesday–Friday: 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. Manhattan, the visit to Staten Island, and Phone: 718-817-8700 Located in Flushing Meadows Saturday and Sunday: the spectacular views of the Manhattan Free admission (covers grounds only) Corona Park 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. skyline, New York harbor and the Statue on Wednesdays Enjoy free general admission, Closed Mondays (but open Memorial September through June, on Fridays, 2 – of Liberty. Ferry information: 718-815- Day, Independence Day, and Columbus 5 p.m.; Sundays, 10 – 11 a.m. BOAT. 9 Day, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m.) Brooklyn Children’s Museum Closed Labor Day Imagination 45 Brooklyn Avenue (at St. Marks SWTL inspires creativity in a high- sophisticated computer system records Playground quality, engaging and family friendly your face and voice when you first log Children’s Museum Avenue), Brooklyn, NY 11213 (718) 735-4400 South, John, and Front Streets, New learning environment. in (all of the logs are wiped clean every of the Arts Located next to beautiful Brower York, NY 10038 Reserved Admission Tickets: evening) and codes it on a plastic card 182 Lafayette Street Park, just one mile from Grand Army Due to the popularity of Sony you swipe at each of the exhibits. This New York, NY 10013 Plaza, in the Heart of Brooklyn cultural Wonder Technology Lab, reservations enables the personalization of their (212) 274-0986 hub. are highly recommended for all visitors. displays. Walking along the history of (Located in between Broome and Exhibits let children don wizard Reservations guarantee admission and communication bridge for example, which Grand) costumes, observe residents of the can only be booked a minimum of seven provides 150 years of communication and General Hours Animal Outpost, or examine insects from days and up to three months prior to your entertainment history, you may see your Monday and Tuesday closed the wildlife collection. Very young visitors desired visitation day. We do not accept face on the video displays. Although all Wednesday through Sunday 12pm- will enjoy the Totally Tots area. same day reservations. Tickets are valid the exhibits are fun and informative, there 5pm On the second weekend of the month, for the date and time indicated. is a particularly special experience called Thursday 12p.m. - 6p.m. early-bird visitors can enjoy free access to the A hands-on communication Shadow Garden and Sand Interactive. Admission $10/person (1 to 65 Brooklyn Children’s Museum. You need to technology and entertainment museum A very long and fancy name for playing years) arrive at the museum before 11 a.m. for free for all ages. Admission to the Lab is free with shadows, with a twist. Visitors Free your child’s inner Picasso when access to the Brooklyn Children’s Museum. to be enjoyed by both adults and children. stand in front of a translucent wall which you bring him to the Children’s Museum displays the image of cascading nuggets. They also offer free admission. 48 49 Do you have something you wish to share with sisters around the world? inhabitants of a bright sunny world where green grass and soon...and above all, for me to be able to look back next year and We’re waiting to hear from you. [email protected] beautiful flowers grew. But I could not reach them; we were thank Hashem for answering me. separated by a dense wall of fog. And, worst of all, there was no path. This was uncharted territory I had stepped into. What should I do? Where should »»Silent Power Sisters Speak I go? I stood still for a long time, wishing myself back; believing Ilanit Silver that the strength of my dreams could transport me back to that When I was first separated I was, as you can imagine, very Seemingly not wanting vulnerable. I was the new hot topic and everyone felt they had »»It was a Night of Pain To give the trees below world of love and laughter. Finally, realizing the futility of my Tovy R. to share their opinions and comments, thoughts and fears. A chance to survive. hopes, I tore my gaze from that delightful, distant sight and It was a night of pain. I wrapped the blanket about my started my journey. Additionally, those with a grievance or feelings of inferiority to shoulders. The tears fled from my eyes in long rivers running me were now willing to shove my situation in my face, as if now The winds too are howling Sheer, agonizing pain. There was no paved road. No, there off to the side, into my ears. I heaved, I sighed, I convulsed with they were the better one, leading a perfect life, in comparison So ferociously. was not even a rough cobblestone path. The grass was unbent, the unfairness of life. The utter helplessness, aloneness of my to me, who did the unthinkable and got divorced. The list can Its only aim: with stones strewn all around. Thorns grew freely as did the dark experience engulfed me. Where would I go now? What would I green slippery moss that covered the rocks and trees. Tangled go on endlessly as to why and how people chose to take the To uproot everything in it’s wake. do with the pile of debris that had been my life, laid at my feet? vines filled in any empty space. The growth formed a dense wall opportunity to hurt me more than I was already hurting at that But I watch in surprise, What about the children, the pure, precious children? I hadn’t that seemed impenetrable. But I had to continue on. So keeping time. As the trees, known that pain existed in such insurmountable piles. my eyes glued to a faint, elusive ray of light, I trudged onward. I used to lie awake at night, worrying about their next Swaying this way and that, Each step I took was the beginning of a new path; every footfall comments. In front of what audience would they next shame Although young and weak, The clock ticked its way toward dawn, soon the sun would cut through the tall, rough grasses, the thorns and the thistles to me? I tried to avoid them, but it was not possible, and I realized, Cling to the ground. come up, and with it the school bus. My eyes stung from a carve out a new road. why should I let them win? Why let them hurt me and force Not allowing the threatening saltwater flood that had taken over. My innards shuddered with My road. me to isolate myself? So I tried to answer back and refute their hollowness and desperation. And yet I couldn’t sleep. If hearts Rains or winds comments, but this just fueled their fire. So here I was, about to are made of four neat chambers, mine where knotted into an To destroy it. give birth, worried how I was going to support myself, how was angry ball of protrusions, belches, and tight kinks. I going to raise this child alone, how was I going to get a Get? And then it hits me, »»This Time, Last Year How was I going to protect my child from his/her abusive father? How would I escape my own torment? Satan had me in Am I not the same? Anonymous And yet the demeaning and discouraging words showered on a rope, running wildly after him, my flesh chaffing, my breath There once was Last Rosh Hashanah, as I stood in shul during the precious me by friends and relatives were at the top of my mind. Let me wiped clean out of squeezed lungs. I needed a reprieve. A man in my life, few minutes that I had there, I found myself mentally playing give you a few examples of their hurtful comments so you can Whose only aim was the game, “this time, last year.” I’d played it before, but in this better understand: I took myself, and like a mother to a whimpering child, I gave To reverse all the work case, “this time last year” and “this time this year” couldn’t have Why didn’t you take birth control? myself love. I placed the blanket around me like a roll, affecting I had put into building been more different from each other. Then, I’d been a young See, you always make mistakes like these. a large, warm hug. I placed my arms around my chest, and held My Yiddish home. Kollel wife, not yet married a year, about to become a mother. I knew you were too immature. my heaving heart. I closed my eyes and imagined myself to be And although he brought I remember davening for an easy birth, a healthy baby, and for It will be terrible if you have a c-section. tiny, still contained in small, cozy spaces. And I sang myself a Books and friends shalom for us and for our families. Now, I found myself in that A neighbor advised me to offer a counter-comment to each lullaby. I sang what my mother sang years and years back, when As part of his plot no-man’s land between separation and divorce. As I struggled negative comment. While I was explaining that this would be the world was as safe as our four, painted walls. It was as if I To destroy me and my children, to make sense of the confusing turn my life had taken, I was counterproductive and would only give them the upper hand, was a baby once again, and I was giving myself the reassurance I stood strong as a tree reminded of something I’d learned several times: Everything I found a solution so novel that I knew I would use it for the I desperately needed. Fighting against those winds and rains. that will happen during the year is decided on Rosh Hashanah. rest of my life: Answer in silence. To comfort myself, I mentally I had no way of knowing, as I’d said Ne’ilah the year before, answered and rationalized all their irrational barbs, yet to them, It sounded silly, even to my own self. But for once, the big that it had been decreed On High that my marriage would I was silent. How can you carry on a conversation with a silent wide world on my shoulders ceased to exist, or was relegated »»My Road disintegrate before the year was over, but that I wouldn’t yet be flower? Leah behind motherly love. Wasn’t Hashem holding me this way, free from it this year. When they realized that their thoughtless or purposely I traveled down the path, a skip in my step, surveying all the time? Didn’t I deserve to be small and cuddled and It was a frightening thought at first, but I soon began to draw hurtful comments yielded no results, they followed my example the miles and miles of clear open road before me. The path reassured? I fell asleep, on a lulled, boat-like drift. encouragement from it. Though it was a struggle to concentrate and kept quiet. It took a long time, and to this day I guard my was a familiar one, well worn and wide. The smoothly paved with my daughter in the stroller next to me, I started to pour boundaries with them, but I can proudly say we have a warm road was drenched with gold. The sun shone brightly. Silvery out my heart to Hashem. I begged Him for relief from all my and loving relationship that was well worth the effort. Although »»Rooted in Strength laughter surrounded me as I strolled down the path, friends and problems, big or small, from the elusive Get, to my daughter’s I would never plan to marry someone who I would then divorce, Esty Desser acquaintances at my side. I breathed in the cool air as a gentle recurring ear infections, to my own loneliness. I asked Him this lesson I learned definitely adds to the reasons I am happy to Alone in my home, breeze ruffled my hair. Life was sheer pleasure; the occasional to point me in the right direction and help me make the right have had the experiences that I did. I sit, staring out the window, pebble, something to remark over and casually kick to the side. decisions about my future. As the world is enveloped in darkness. Suddenly, I found myself in the midst of a great forest. A This year, at the doorstep of 5772, I know that it was I watch as the rain comes, coldness crept upon me. The sky was darkening; the sun had decreed last year that my prayers would be answered. And this Pounding on everything in it’s path. vanished. I looked around, confused. I could just faintly hear knowledge turns up the flame under this year’s pleas, as I beg It comes with such a force, the tinkle of laughter in the distance, but it was so far, a million Hashem for another good year, for health and strength for my And so unrelenting, miles away. I was alone. The laughing crowds were still the daughter and for myself, for the right husband to come along 50 51

The magazine was really great and I ••••••••••••••••••••••••• cried while reading it as I felt that it not I finally finished reading the Butterfly only spoke to me, I felt like I actually had Magazine that I’d put aside to read on SPREAD AHAVAS YISRAEL written it. I will see if I can contribute a Pesach. story of my own in the future. It’s amazing I was impressed, touched, and brought »»Molly Kohn how S2S organization has grown in size to tears by the beautiful articles and the and in its services. Kol hakovod to Chani heartfelt stories that were included. As Recently, I joined a group of very in the world! block or in your community. Instead of Neuberger and her friends who have you know, I’m a freelance editor, and I’d special women in the Five Towns. They And as I sat there, inspired, energized, being depressed or sad with the difficult originally started this organization. be glad to help edit future issues of the meet every Sunday morning at 8:15 AM and in awe of these truly remarkable situations that surrounds us, let’s turn our Leah K. magazine. Thanks for allowing me to be and are known as the Amen Group. The women, my mind began to race. I knew negative feelings of resentment or sadness ••••••••••••••••••••••••• part of Sister to Sister. gathering takes place in the home of Lori that this was some something I could into feelings of chesed and positive acts of Having just gotten divorced a year ago Tova O. Marton, in Lawrence and is dedicated do, needed to do. I, too, need to make kindness to benefit ourselves, our families, after thirty-something years of marriage, ••••••••••••••••••••••••• in memory of her daughter Sarit Marton a change. I can’t just keep this to myself. and all of Klal Yisrael. I’m in a different stage of life as a mother I really enjoyed your Shavuos edition A”H. Each woman recites the morning After the recent tragic news, I feel So please join me and the women of than most of you. My children are all of the Butterfly magazine. I especially Bircos Hashachar out loud, and everyone that I want to do something, especially Five Towns in this initiative of AOK, by grown and flown out of the nest. Butterfly enjoyed S.L.’s article on moving on. answers Amen. It was quite uplifting to l’iluy nishmas the precious neshamos of promoting this project and either joining I just want to say how much it moves B”H I also feel this way. It was so nice be in a room with such incredible a group, starting your own group me to be part of the Butterfly Magazine to hear my feelings shared and validated women, who come out early Sunday or by publicizing it to those around community. I say Hurrah Hurrah that Box by someone else. Additionally, her article morning to be mezake themselves you. No doubt as we exhibit more there is such a publication, and that and thoughts were so well written. Keep and Klal Yisroel with their prayers. friendliness, more consideration, there are frum women writing about want to go back with him or stay alone for up your good work, and we should all be But that isn’t all. They continued more “mentchlichkeit,” to our their experiences with divorce and single another five years...) because Hashem is zoche to meet our true zivug soon! by reciting the special prayer against friends, neighbors, and community parenthood. Hurrah to all of you. with you and He will split your personal Dina P. Evil Speech, followed by one members, the ripple effect will follow. woman reading a daily lesson from Our actions will create a community With warmest wishes, and prayers for Yaf Suf! ••••••••••••••••••••••••• the Chofetz Chaim’s Sefer Shmiras that is warm and friendly, caring and our best dreams to come true, L.C. I’ve seen some of the author’s names Halashon. Next, a rebbitzen from considerate of one another. Many Sarah Shapiro, Jerusalem Canada before in “regular” magazines and had the Five Towns spoke for twenty of our lives are so rushed and busy ••••••••••••••••••••••••• ••••••••••••••••••••••••• no idea that they were single mothers. minutes about the meaning of their that we can’t even smile or say Thanks for putting together this great As an elementary school teacher, I Wow! Thank you very much and good prayers and ways to enhance their thank you properly, both acts that magazine. It is amazing how each article have had a few students whose parents Yom Tov. good deeds. Immediately following, take no time at all. And yes, we are I read is an expression of my feelings. divorced. I don’t ask why the parent’s Michelle M. Jerusalem there was an announcement about busy with good things, important When I sit to read the magazine I feel divorced or if it was a good decision, as I ••••••••••••••••••••••••• a new program to promote random priorities, work, family, and even as though I am going to group therapy. accept my students for who they are, and After putting down the magazine, I acts of kindness in the community. great chesed activities. But the yetzer I get such chizuk from your articles and I try to give them as much warmth and want to say Thank You. Thank you for This concept had been introduced a hara creates an urgency in us to rush, feel like I have nameless and faceless love as I can. opening my eyes, giving me a glimpse, few weeks before, and some women even to do chesed at the expense of friends out there who understand what I Divorce is difficult on children. Very and taking the load. I’m friends with a shared their personal stories. common courtesy and decency. As am going through. difficult. I must say, though, that I’ve very special woman who has weathered One woman brought coffee to a we approach the Yamim Noraim Leah P. observed that the children of divorced a marriage, subsequent divorce, and the saleslady in a store where she shops – the Days of Awe – let us put the ••••••••••••••••••••••••• parents who behave amicably twoards one life thereafter with grace. It was hard to often, another made sure to go over lessons of Ahavas Yisroel into acts My description for your mini see her struggling. If life in a difficult another have a much easier time adjusting to the man that packed her groceries, Yehuda ben Nachman z”l ( Hayeled of Ahavas Yisroel, and make every day Shavuous magazine is beyond words. than those who fight. The divorce hurts marriage is hard, the divorce is only make eye contact with him, and thank Leiby Kletzky z”l) and R” Elazar ben an “Awe”some day. Join the Acts Of Every article was great and inspiring. the children. Fighting after the divorce harder. I knew that the lack of support him personally and wish him a good Meir zt”l ( R’ Elazar Abuchatzera zt”l). Kindness movement to help bring us all The two articles “Standing Before the makes it so much worse. They can’t even for her situation was what made it even day. Another woman recounted how And I could think of no better way to closer and to bring great nachas to our Mountain” and “My Personal Kabolas cope. more painful. Yet when I read Butterfly she tried to save someone from getting a spread this message than throught the Father in Heaven. Hatorah’ really touched my heart. I could I cry myself to sleep when a little magazine, I realized that my friend ticket by putting a quarter in the meter. women of Sister to Sister. Bizchus Nashim tzidkaniyos nigalu see your heart and neshama in every word. child tells me how his Daddy said his was not alone, and Yidden are not so Each incident involved practical acts of So here’s the scoop! I am joining forces Avoseinu miMizrayim, Ubizchus Its was interesting for me to read that you Mommy is a vampire. Or worse, when a uncaring. There is a network out there. kindness that might have been small, but with these amazing women of the Five Nashim tzidkaniyos nigael bimhaira! took chizuk from the reading of the torah. student cries about not being able to see There is understanding to the war torn were great nonetheless. Towns as well as the Women’s Ahavas We are starting a group on Tuesday When I was in shul Shviyi shel Pesach his Daddy because his Mommy won’t let women who bravely shoulder their weight By the time the meeting ended I was Yisrael Project, to encourage you to nights at 8:30 p.m. in Flatbush. during kriyas haTorah it hit me; those him go. And he can’t even cry at home and carry on. There is chizuk, insight, blown away and spiritually uplifted. partake in this project to promote Ahavas If you are interested in joining or same words and boosted me with tons because Mommy will be mad! empathy, dignity. There are all the things These were women like me and you, Yisroel. This new project is named finding out more information kindly call of chizuk. I literally heard Moshe telling Parents, please, stop fighting. Please that seem to be missing on the streets, working women, housewives, mothers “AOK” -’Acts of Kindness,’ whether it and leave a message at 718-375-1421, or me don’t fear and don’t go back to the allow your children the warmth and love wrapped in beautifully illustrated words and some grandmothers, who were here be in your home or your workplace, with email: [email protected]. midbar (unlike a very well meaning askan of their Mommy and their Daddy. and shipped off to dozens of homes. to grow, to learn, and to make a difference your family, friends or neighbors, on your Tizku L’mitzvot! 9 who asked me during my separation if I A Caring Teacher Chani R. Monsey 52 53 The Butterfly Magazine would like Butterfly Businesses to express our appreciation to the following individuals who have made We’re pleased to present Butterfly Businesses. This feature is an opportunity to showcase our sisters’ businesses. Please our magazine possible with their patronize our hardworking mothers. We’d love you to send us your business card to be included in our next edition. Note Butterfly Bulletin voluntary assistance. May the merit of that if you’d like your advertisement to be renewed in the next issue, please let us know as we want each issue to be cur- your selflessness stand by your side. rent, and therefore we will not automatically renew the ad. •Beryl Trietel system there have been days that the system •Chany Rosengarten ECL Interiors Group, Inc. Miami Kosher Take-Out Food New Phone System has been faulty and/or down. Please bear As many of you know, we have tried with us as we work to remedy the situation. •Chaya Baila Gavant Elyorah C. Leiberman Call Chavi for all your Shabbos and vacation needs to simplify one aspect of your lives by If you have called and have not received a re- •Chaya Baila Weinfeld President introducing our new phone system! We sponse, please call us back. We may not have 204 West 84th Street (305) 796-8676 [email protected] •Dr. Miriam Adahan New York, NY 10024 realized that it was becoming quite a ever heard your message or known about your challenge to keep track of everyone’s call. We look forward to hearing from you. •Dr. Shoshana Savyon Phone: 212.579.7585 Miami, North Miami Beach, individual phone numbers. Now when Please call us if you need any assistance or •Esti Barker Interior Fax: 212.579.7633 Aventura, Miami Beach, Hollywood, would like to share anything with us. Web: www.eclinteriorsgroup.com Fort Lauderdale, etc. you call our main number 718-338- •Esther Shonefeld Email: [email protected] 2943 you can either dial by extension •Molly Kohn Design (mention Sister to Sister for a discount) WBC Certified, NY, NYC, NYCSCA, PANY & NJ Certified, WBCNC Certified or listen to the menu options and follow Keep Us Updated •Rachel Rose the prompts. The following is a list of Just a reminder to please keep us •Rachel Schnitzler extensions. posted of any changes in your information •Rebbitzen Feige Horowitz Yehudis Robinson - ext 101 such as address, telephone number, cell Director of Client Services number, email address or ages/names of •Sarah Rosenberg [email protected] children. Accurate data ensures that you •Shani Goldner will be able to participate in all Sister to •Toby Vogel Shaindy Shain - ext 102 Sister programs, and we would feel badly •Tova Ovitz Director of Volunteers & Resources should you or any of your children lose •Tziri Lamm [email protected] out on programs and services that are so special to all of us. Please be sure •Tziporah Heller Penina Nierenberg - ext 103 to e-mail, mail, or fax your updated •Yehudis Sashitzky Program Coordinator information to us. Please be in touch with [email protected] Leah Turin, our secretary at extension With Appreciation, 104, email leah@sistertosisternetwork. Leah Turin - ext 104 org or send a fax to 866-751-8090. Secretary [email protected] Readers in Israel www.rebekahinteriordesign.com “Move Me” Miriam Markovitz - ext 105 To our sisters and readers in Eretz you will receive our back-issues on Simcha Dancing / Dance Therapy Intake Coordinator Yisrael: if you have a DSL line and your desktop. Hope you enjoy! [email protected] would like to receive the Sister to Sis- ter erev Shabbos parsha calls, please call Parenting Series In addition, if you received our magnets Chaya Sarah Stark 718-338-5910 Leah at 732-415-8766 or email her If you were unable to participate in with our new number information, you at [email protected] and will have noted that there is a number to our excellent parenting teleconference asked to be added to our call-em-all call if you missed one of our automated system. series by Mrs. Miriam Stern, you can Mirel Goldstein, MS, MA, LPC messages or if you simply want to listen Professional Individual and Marital Counseling to it again. If you call 877-565-8456 call in to hear a playback of many of the NJ License 37PC00391500 from the phone on which you received the Butterfly Back Issues classes. You can listen to the classes by message, then the most recent message If you are enjoying the current Butter- calling (641) 715-3470 and when asked can be replayed. Each message remains fly please be aware that we do have 3 Harding Court at this number until the next recording is enter the access code - 361149#. many old editions of Butterfly that Passaic, NJ 07055 done. At that time the new message will Ref#2-adolescents and teens: session 1 replace the existing one. can be available to you via email. If 303-204-7039 you are interested in this please email Ref #3-adolescents and teens: session 2 www.goldsteintherapy.com Unfortunately, from the onset of the phone [email protected] and Ref #4-adolescents and teens: session 3 54 55 Sister to Sister Mailing Address: 21 Shonny Court - Lakewood, New Jersey 08701 Tel: 718-338-2943 • Butterfly Email: [email protected]

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