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The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, November 6, 2020 — Page 1 We Put the Vol. CCLXV, No. 4 The New Hampshire Gazette November 6, 2020 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Free! PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com in Free Press The Fortnightly Rant The Longest Tuesday “I want to thank the American peo- to appeal, though, his only standing ple for their tremendous support,” there would be as just another spec- said a grim-faced President Don- tator. Perhaps he was presuming ald J. Trump to a group of maskless that, since he was able to appoint sycophants packed into the East one-third of its justices, thanks to Room of the White House early an extraordinarily brazen act of on Wednesday morning for another non-feasance on the part of the in an extended series of illegal cam- Senate Majority Leader, he would paign events on government prop- get the benefit of special treatment. erty. “It’s very sad,” said the superan- “Millions and millions of people nuated poor little rich kid, briefly voted for us tonight…,” Trump ob- losing the thread again. “It’s a very served, conveniently ignoring the sad moment to me. This is a very sad fact that several million more had moment…” The former reality TV voted against him. “talent” got his emotions under con- “…and a very sad group of peo- trol, though, before be began blub- ple,” he went on, “is trying to dis- bering at the podium. enfranchise that group of people Rallying all his faculties of delu- and we won’t stand for it.” Here, yet sion, Trump concluded his airing of again, in attempting to report what grievances with a pledge to go Full the reigning Mr. Nuclear Football Authoritarian: “we will win this and things worse in every conceivable this counter-intuitive result. In fact, fully Amy Coney Barrett will come has said, one must struggle to parse we as far as I’m concerned we al- way—and a few others, besides. though, he’s crouching beneath the through.” a wad of words that spit in the face ready have [won].” It takes a true visionary, for exam- roving moral midget who declared, Not to be outdone, Newt Ging- of coherence. It was a victory speech unlike ple, to visit multiple states where the “We’re an empire now, and when we rich, also on Fox News, said, “You Either due to ignorance, or to at- any other. Who would utter a ram- rates of new infections are reaching act, we create our own reality. And have a group of corrupt people, tain some political end through the bling, disjointed, self-pitying victory new peaks, hold rallies at which while you’re studying that reality— who have absolute contempt for the feigning of ignorance, or, quite plau- speech—while he is being defeated? thousands of unmasked people judiciously, as you will—we’ll act American people, who believe that sibly, both, Trump is characterizing Yes, yes, we know—the question gather, then leave them stranded, again, creating other new realities, we’re so spineless, so cowardly, so a vote for his opponent as an illicit answers itself. without transportation, in the cold which you can study too, and that’s unwilling to stand up for ourselves, civil rights violation. Though no official result has been and dark. Or, in one case, perhaps how things will sort out. We’re his- that they can steal the Presidency.” “We were getting ready for a big announced, at the present time— for variety, do the same thing down tory’s actors…and you, all of you, In keeping with his sixty-year record celebration. We were winning every- late on Thursday night, if you must south in the middle of the day, will be left to just study what we do.” of being always wrong but never in thing, and all of a sudden it was just know—it seems virtually certain throwing a little heatstroke into the doubt, he was referring not to his called off,” the big baby whined. that, barring some deus ex machina mix. Who else would even run for In honor of…no, let’s make that own party, but to Democrats. “The results tonight have been (to which we shall return), our 45th re-election, with a first-term death in recognition of, an occasion we It has long been an American phenomenal, and we are getting President will only serve for one sin- toll rapidly approaching a quarter would prefer to forget, one too tradition: every Inauguration Day, ready—I mean, literally, we were gle, very sad term. [We use the term million? schizophrenic to be summed up broadcast journalists utter in their just all set to get outside and just “serve” knowing full well that in this Members of the reality-based properly in a single image, we have most pious tones a phrase from our celebrate something that was so case it hardly applies. We can’t be ex- community could be forgiven for prevailed upon Mike Dater, our secular catechism: “Blah blah blah… beautiful, so good, such a vote, such pected, though, to rebuild every compo- entertaining thoughts, on Monday, Starving Artiste, to cover the best, witnessing, once again, that most a success…. The citizens of this nent of the language while getting out of a great Blue Wave washing clean and the worst, of this time. Surely American of miracles, the peaceful country have come out in record a newspaper, too. – The Ed.] Trump’s Augean stable. Yet, some- we need not label which is which. transition of power.” Someone get numbers, this is a record—there’s His accomplishments during that how, at midnight on Thursday, the us re-write. never been anything like it—to sup- time—which no one would call incumbent was trailing his challeng- Harmeet Dhillon, a co-chair of Here’s a question for Poli Sci ma- port our incredible movement.…” short—have been truly astonishing. er by only four million votes. Lawyers for Trump, did her part jors: Was there a rise in the use of the Here the Leader of the Free World Respect for the nation abroad, to The great Isaac Newton modestly Thursday. Speaking with Fox News’ phrase “peaceful transition of power” (by default) briefly trailed off into the extent that any remained after said, “If I have seen further it is by Lou Dobbs, she said, “We’re wait- after Newt Gingrich became Speak- a fugue state, irrelevantly citing the George W.[MD] Bush admin- standing on the shoulders of Gi- ing for the United States Supreme er of the House? We ask because it’s large leads in vote counts in states istration, has largely been replaced ants.” Trump would not hesitate to Court—of which the President has the sort of thing one would be more which would have voted for anyone, by pity in civilized nations. In autoc- take credit for having debased our nominated three justices—to step likely to notice as the alternative be- breathing or not, who was willing to racies, of course, our stock has risen. politics sufficiently to account for in and do something. And hope- came more likely. accept the label, “Republican.” Recently, our economy was de- “…and all of a sudden everything scribed as doing quite well when just stopped,” Trump said, dragging three-fifths of the country were himself back into the present. “This dangling by a financial thread and is a fraud on the American public. robber barons were hiring consul- This is an embarrassment to our tants to invent new ways to set ex- country. cess currency on fire. We now look “We were getting ready to win back at those days with nostalgia; this election,” he said, his tone of the robber barons and consultants voice quickly shifting from melan- are doing better than ever, but that cholic to choleric. financial thread is on fire. “Frankly we did win this election. What pushed the economy over So our goal now is to ensure the into a tailspin was, of course, the integrity…for the good of this na- pandemic. A tiny little virus was able tion…this is a very big moment.” A to do this because, despite having in- big moment indeed. Even the pre- herited one Emergency Pandemic tence of coherence was briefly lost, as Plan from his predecessor, and hav- if the specter of an indictment from ing another one written by his own the Southern District of New York maladministration, when confront- had suddenly appeared before him. ed with an actual pandemic, our “This is a major fraud in our na- soon-to-be-departing Chief Exec- tion. We want the law to be used utive ignored them both. Instead he in a proper manner.” Why not, one lied, dithered, and ignored it, when might ask. There’s always a first time. he wasn’t actively exacerbating it. He “So we’ll be going to the U.S. even tried to profit from it. Someday, Supreme Court,” said the Presi- if there’s ever a full accounting, it will dent. Lacking a lower court ruling doubtlessly be shown that he made Page 2 — The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, November 6, 2020 The Alleged News® to plant their rugrats at a safe, clean, wholesome facility while they go off And Now For Something to work—at a job which provides Completely Different them with a generous paid vacation.

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