THE GOLDEN GIRLS "The Ladies Doth Protest"
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THE GOLDEN GIRLS "The Ladies Doth Protest" Written by Angelo Ierace 01/20/18 [email protected] ACT ONE INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY BLANCHE AND ROSE SIT ON THE COUCH, MAKING PROTEST SIGNS. SOPHIA SITS IN THE CHAIR. DOROTHY ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM AREA. DOROTHY Alright, girls, put the finishing touches on your signs. We have to leave soon for the march. ROSE You know what I've always wondered? DOROTHY Where all the cowboys have gone? ROSE Why doesn't anybody march at a march? I mean, they're mostly just walking. We should actually march today. DOROTHY Take a break from the markers, Rose. ROSE Oh shoot. DOROTHY What is it? ROSE I wrote the wrong thing. DOROTHY (READING ROSE'S SIGN) I'm with herring. 2. ROSE I meant to write I'm with her but I got distracted and just kept writing. DOROTHY It might look bad, but just get rid of the ring and cut your losses. SOPHIA If only you took that approach to your marriage, you wouldn't have stayed with that yutz for so long! BLANCHE Honey, why don't you just turn the poster board over? ROSE TURNS THE POSTER BOARD OVER TO REVEAL A COW FACE DRAWN ON THE OTHER SIDE. ROSE I accidentally drew a cow. DOROTHY How do you accidentally draw a cow? ROSE I was drawing a uterus and got to thinking that a uterus looks like a cow and then I forgot what I was drawing and thought I was supposed to be drawing a cow. DOROTHY But why would you think you were drawing a cow for The Women's March? 3. ROSE Doing arts and crafts always reminds me of back in -- DOROTHY Go get more poster board, Rose. ROSE REACTS AND EXITS TO BEDROOM AREA. SOPHIA Arts and crafts reminds me of Shady Pines. Only here you get to use actual art supplies instead of gluing together whatever you find in the trash. DOROTHY Ma, you're making that up. SOPHIA Looks like somebody's forgetting the bracelet I made for her out of a toilet paper roll. BLANCHE I finished my sign. What do you girls think? BLANCHE HOLDS UP HER SIGN. IT READS: "ME, TOO!" SOPHIA It's a protest slogan, not a request, Blanche. 4. DOROTHY Blanche, how is it that you're going to this march yet you voted for Trump? BLANCHE The Hollingsworths have a long history of voting Republican, Dorothy. It's a Southern tradition. SOPHIA So was slavery. Do you plan on keeping that tradition alive? BLANCHE I've supported every Republican campaign in Georgia and Florida, both as a Hollingsworth and as a Devereaux. SOPHIA Sleeping with a candidate doesn't count as a campaign contribution. DOROTHY In some way, she is helping the South rise again. BLANCHE I'll have you know that up until a year ago, before I entered my early forties, I played a very important role in the Young Republicans. SOPHIA As what, the elephant? 5. DOROTHY Look, Republican or not, Trump had to have been a hard guy to vote for. DOORBELL RINGS. DOROTHY WALKS TO THE DOOR. DOROTHY (CONT’D) I mean, have you ever seen a more vile, repugnant man with such god- awful hair? DOROTHY OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S STAN, DUFFEL BAG IN HAND. STAN Hi, it's me, Stan. DOROTHY What do you want, Stan? I don't have a lot of time right now. We're heading out to the march. STAN ENTERS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. STAN Don't worry, it'll be quick. DOROTHY That line's given us two kids. STAN I've got a business opportunity for you, Dorothy. DOROTHY No. 6. STAN Hear me out. This is the best time to be in novelty sales, babe. Do you know how many red hats and Trump novelties I sold during the election? DOROTHY But you don't even support Trump. How could you sell those things, Stan? STAN There's no politics in making money. DOROTHY In your case, there's no money in making money. STAN I sold just as many Bernie and Hillary novelties as well. It's a very common business philosophy. DOROTHY He who sells to both sides, sells out. STAN Exactly. STAN TAKES A DONALD TRUMP STATUETTE OUT OF HIS DUFFEL BAG AND SETS IT ON THE COFFEE TABLE. STAN (CONT’D) It's a hybrid of a PEZ dispenser and a nutcracker. Pull this lever, and Trump's mouth opens. (MORE) 7. STAN (CONT’D) People on the left can fill it up with chocolate so every time he opens his mouth, chocolate comes out and people on the right can fill it up with chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. It's fun for both sides! BLANCHE How could this possibly do well? It's nothing but a cheap gimmick that's only fun for a few minutes. SOPHIA It seems to work for you. DOROTHY Why are you showing me this, Stan? STAN This is just a prototype. I need money to put it into production. DOROTHY What about all that alleged money you made during the election? STAN I spent it all on making this. It took me over a year to bring this to life. DOROTHY It took you more than one sitting to push that turd of an idea out? (MORE) 8. DOROTHY (CONT’D) Only an idiot would waste their money on this. ROSE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM AREA, POSTER BOARD IN HAND. THE STATUETTE CATCHES HER EYE. ROSE I'm not sure what that is, but I love it. It reminds me of the brugen flugens they made back home. DOROTHY See that, Stan, you're too late. The world already has brogan fliggens. ROSE Brugen flugens. Of course, this is a lot safer than brugen flugens. They were actually the second leading cause of death in St. Olaf. But nothing came close to the first leading cause of death. BLANCHE Cancer? ROSE Premature taxiderming. BLANCHE AND DOROTHY REACT. DOROTHY Ma, are you coming with us today? 9. SOPHIA To walk? No, who do I look like, Lawton Chiles? BLANCHE Well you're the smart one, Sophia. It's supposed to be ninety-four today with the heat index over a hundred degrees! If you ask me, they should move the march to a cooler day. DOROTHY Spoken like a true activist. Gee, I would love to resist today, but it's just too hot for a resistance. SOPHIA Heat or no heat, at my age, too much walking is like too much oxygen. It could kill you. ROSE That's how Hans Guttenstrom died. BLANCHE Did he have a heart attack while walking? ROSE No, he was only thirty and in great shape. See, every year, there's a marathon from St. Olaf to St. Gustaf. But it's not an ordinary marathon. 10. BLANCHE I'm going to regret asking this, but how so, Rose? ROSE For the St. Olaf marathon, people had to walk backwards. And people ended up everywhere. Hardly anybody ever made it to St. Gustaf. DOROTHY Tell me, Rose, couldn't people just look behind them while they walked backwards so they could see where they were going? ROSE Oh no, that was against the rules. You had to face forward, which meant you were actually looking backwards, because you were walking backwards but faci-- DOROTHY Get on with it, Rose! Did Hans ever make it to St. Gustaf?! ROSE He did! He won! But they put the finish line right at the edge of a cliff. (MORE) 11. ROSE (CONT’D) So since he was walking backwards, by the time he saw that he had crossed the finish line, it was too late. And that's where the St. Olaf saying, "Watch where you're going," comes from. BLANCHE AND DOROTHY REACT. INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY BLANCHE AND DOROTHY ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. BOTH ARE SWEATING PROFUSELY. BLANCHE Who plans a march in July in Miami? I don't think I've ever worked up this much of a sweat in my life. DOROTHY At least not while on your feet. BLANCHE Can't the next protest be during autumn, on the beach, with champagne? DOROTHY Nothing says dissent quite like a beach picnic. BLANCHE Well I think protesting in a heat wave is above and beyond my civic duty. 12. DOROTHY You're right, Blanche. You've joined the ranks of the history-changing activists who came before you. They lost their lives, you lost some water weight. Your sacrifice won't be forgotten. SOPHIA ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. SOPHIA How was it? BLANCHE So unbearably hot, my shirt was completely soaking wet. SOPHIA Usually when that happens to you you're in a contest at a bar. BLANCHE I've gotta get out of these clothes, they're practically sticking to me. SOPHIA And that's the line you use at the bar. BLANCHE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM AREA. SOPHIA (CONT’D) Where's Rose? I knew one of you wouldn't make it back. 13. DOROTHY Her and Stan stayed a while longer taking pre-orders for their...whatever the hell that was. STAN AND ROSE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. STAN Look at this, Rose, we already have three hundred pre-orders. I'm telling you, this is a money maker. (TO DOROTHY) Dorothy, last chance to get in on the ground floor. DOROTHY Still no, Stan. I've been stuck in that elevator before.