"The Ladies Doth Protest"
Written by
Angelo Ierace
01/20/18
ACT ONE
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY BLANCHE AND ROSE SIT ON THE COUCH, MAKING PROTEST SIGNS. SOPHIA SITS IN THE CHAIR. DOROTHY ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM AREA. DOROTHY Alright, girls, put the finishing touches on your signs. We have to leave soon for the march. ROSE You know what I've always wondered? DOROTHY
Where all the cowboys have gone?
ROSE Why doesn't anybody march at a march?
I mean, they're mostly just walking.
We should actually march today. DOROTHY
Take a break from the markers, Rose.
ROSE
Oh shoot. DOROTHY
What is it?
ROSE I wrote the wrong thing.
DOROTHY
(READING ROSE'S SIGN) I'm with herring. 2.
ROSE I meant to write I'm with her but I got distracted and just kept writing. DOROTHY It might look bad, but just get rid of the ring and cut your losses. SOPHIA If only you took that approach to your marriage, you wouldn't have stayed
with that yutz for so long! BLANCHE
Honey, why don't you just turn the
poster board over? ROSE TURNS THE POSTER BOARD OVER TO REVEAL A COW FACE DRAWN ON THE OTHER SIDE. ROSE
I accidentally drew a cow.
DOROTHY
How do you accidentally draw a cow? ROSE
I was drawing a uterus and got to
thinking that a uterus looks like a cow and then I forgot what I was
drawing and thought I was supposed to be drawing a cow.
DOROTHY But why would you think you were drawing a cow for The Women's March? 3.
ROSE Doing arts and crafts always reminds
me of back in -- DOROTHY Go get more poster board, Rose.
ROSE REACTS AND EXITS TO BEDROOM AREA. SOPHIA Arts and crafts reminds me of Shady
Pines. Only here you get to use actual art supplies instead of gluing together whatever you find in the
trash. DOROTHY Ma, you're making that up.
SOPHIA Looks like somebody's forgetting the bracelet I made for her out of a
toilet paper roll. BLANCHE I finished my sign. What do you girls
think? BLANCHE HOLDS UP HER SIGN. IT READS: "ME, TOO!"
SOPHIA It's a protest slogan, not a request, Blanche. 4.
DOROTHY Blanche, how is it that you're going to this march yet you voted for Trump?
BLANCHE The Hollingsworths have a long history of voting Republican, Dorothy. It's a
Southern tradition. SOPHIA So was slavery. Do you plan on keeping that tradition alive? BLANCHE I've supported every Republican campaign in Georgia and Florida, both as a Hollingsworth and as a Devereaux. SOPHIA
Sleeping with a candidate doesn't count as a campaign contribution. DOROTHY
In some way, she is helping the South rise again.
BLANCHE I'll have you know that up until a year ago, before I entered my early forties, I played a very important role in the Young Republicans. SOPHIA
As what, the elephant? 5.
DOROTHY
Look, Republican or not, Trump had to have been a hard guy to vote for. DOORBELL RINGS. DOROTHY WALKS TO THE DOOR.
DOROTHY (CONT’D) I mean, have you ever seen a more vile, repugnant man with such god-
awful hair? DOROTHY OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S STAN, DUFFEL BAG IN HAND. STAN
Hi, it's me, Stan. DOROTHY What do you want, Stan? I don't have a
lot of time right now. We're heading out to the march.
STAN ENTERS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. STAN Don't worry, it'll be quick. DOROTHY That line's given us two kids.
STAN I've got a business opportunity for you, Dorothy. DOROTHY No. 6.
STAN
Hear me out. This is the best time to be in novelty sales, babe. Do you know how many red hats and Trump novelties I sold during the election? DOROTHY
But you don't even support Trump. How could you sell those things, Stan? STAN There's no politics in making money. DOROTHY In your case, there's no money in
making money. STAN I sold just as many Bernie and Hillary novelties as well. It's a very common business philosophy. DOROTHY
He who sells to both sides, sells out. STAN Exactly. STAN TAKES A DONALD TRUMP STATUETTE OUT OF HIS DUFFEL BAG AND SETS IT ON THE COFFEE TABLE. STAN (CONT’D)
It's a hybrid of a PEZ dispenser and a nutcracker. Pull this lever, and Trump's mouth opens. (MORE) 7. STAN (CONT’D) People on the left can fill it up with chocolate so every time he opens his mouth, chocolate comes out and people on the right can fill it up with chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. It's fun for both sides! BLANCHE How could this possibly do well? It's nothing but a cheap gimmick that's only fun for a few minutes.
SOPHIA It seems to work for you. DOROTHY Why are you showing me this, Stan? STAN
This is just a prototype. I need money to put it into production. DOROTHY What about all that alleged money you made during the election? STAN
I spent it all on making this. It took me over a year to bring this to life. DOROTHY It took you more than one sitting to push that turd of an idea out? (MORE) 8. DOROTHY (CONT’D) Only an idiot would waste their money on this.
ROSE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM AREA, POSTER BOARD IN HAND. THE STATUETTE CATCHES HER EYE. ROSE I'm not sure what that is, but I love it. It reminds me of the brugen flugens they made back home.
DOROTHY See that, Stan, you're too late. The world already has brogan fliggens. ROSE Brugen flugens. Of course, this is a lot safer than brugen flugens. They
were actually the second leading cause of death in St. Olaf. But nothing came close to the first leading cause of death. BLANCHE Cancer?
ROSE Premature taxiderming. BLANCHE AND DOROTHY REACT. DOROTHY Ma, are you coming with us today? 9.
SOPHIA
To walk? No, who do I look like, Lawton Chiles? BLANCHE Well you're the smart one, Sophia. It's supposed to be ninety-four today with the heat index over a hundred degrees! If you ask me, they should move the march to a cooler day. DOROTHY Spoken like a true activist. Gee, I would love to resist today, but it's just too hot for a resistance. SOPHIA Heat or no heat, at my age, too much walking is like too much oxygen. It could kill you. ROSE
That's how Hans Guttenstrom died. BLANCHE Did he have a heart attack while walking? ROSE
No, he was only thirty and in great shape. See, every year, there's a marathon from St. Olaf to St. Gustaf. But it's not an ordinary marathon. 10.
BLANCHE I'm going to regret asking this, but how so, Rose? ROSE
For the St. Olaf marathon, people had to walk backwards. And people ended up everywhere. Hardly anybody ever made it to St. Gustaf. DOROTHY Tell me, Rose, couldn't people just look behind them while they walked backwards so they could see where they were going? ROSE Oh no, that was against the rules. You had to face forward, which meant you were actually looking backwards, because you were walking backwards but faci-- DOROTHY Get on with it, Rose! Did Hans ever make it to St. Gustaf?! ROSE He did! He won! But they put the finish line right at the edge of a cliff. (MORE) 11. ROSE (CONT’D) So since he was walking backwards, by the time he saw that he had crossed
the finish line, it was too late. And that's where the St. Olaf saying, "Watch where you're going," comes from. BLANCHE AND DOROTHY REACT.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY BLANCHE AND DOROTHY ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. BOTH ARE SWEATING PROFUSELY.
BLANCHE Who plans a march in July in Miami? I don't think I've ever worked up this much of a sweat in my life. DOROTHY At least not while on your feet. BLANCHE Can't the next protest be during autumn, on the beach, with champagne? DOROTHY Nothing says dissent quite like a beach picnic.
BLANCHE Well I think protesting in a heat wave is above and beyond my civic duty. 12.
DOROTHY You're right, Blanche. You've joined the ranks of the history-changing
activists who came before you. They lost their lives, you lost some water weight. Your sacrifice won't be forgotten. SOPHIA ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. SOPHIA How was it? BLANCHE So unbearably hot, my shirt was completely soaking wet. SOPHIA Usually when that happens to you
you're in a contest at a bar. BLANCHE I've gotta get out of these clothes, they're practically sticking to me. SOPHIA And that's the line you use at the bar. BLANCHE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM AREA. SOPHIA (CONT’D) Where's Rose? I knew one of you wouldn't make it back. 13.
DOROTHY Her and Stan stayed a while longer taking pre-orders for their...whatever the hell that was. STAN AND ROSE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. STAN Look at this, Rose, we already have
three hundred pre-orders. I'm telling you, this is a money maker. (TO DOROTHY) Dorothy, last chance to get in on the ground floor. DOROTHY Still no, Stan. I've been stuck in that elevator before. The elevator never went up when I was in it. SOPHIA Probably too much weight. STAN
Dorothy, I'm telling you, this is gonna put Stan Zbornak on the map. DOROTHY Where on the map would that be? Death Valley? STAN You'll see. Rose is the smart one for investing early. 14.
DOROTHY Congratulations, Stan, you've been able to get the Warren Buffett of St. Olaf to invest in your idea. ROSE Well I don't know about him, but certainly Arvid Van Schnickle, St. Olaf's most prolific businessman. You've probably heard of him. DOROTHY Who hasn't? Van Schnickle Mart has the best prices on eggs and cold cuts. ROSE No, you're confusing him with Marvin Von Sickles. He's the owner of Von Sickles Mart. Arvid Van Schnickle had a different business on every corner in St. Olaf. And business was booming. Until the day St. Olaf turned all of their intersections into round-abouts. His businesses all folded because -- DOROTHY
-- there were no more corners left in the city. (SHAKING HER HEAD) I must be suffering from heat stroke because that makes perfect sense. 15.
STAN We did great today, Rose. How about you and I go to another rally tomorrow
to get more pre-orders. Whadya say? ROSE What's the point? Wouldn't it just be the same people from today? STAN No, these are different people. People on the other side. Remember we can sell this thing to both sides. DOROTHY Tomorrow's the anti-immigration rally, Rose. Is that something you want to
take part in? STAN Dorothy, just because you're there doesn't mean you're actively taking part in it. DOROTHY That's how I felt every time we had sex. STAN Think about it, Rose. I'll stop by tomorrow. STAN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. 16.
DOROTHY Rose, there's nothing to think about. You can't go down there and be seen selling pro-Trump merchandise at a pro-Trump rally. ROSE Like Stan said, just because I'm there
doesn't mean I'm supporting them. SOPHIA Sounds like the tagline for my bra.
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING DOROTHY, SOPHIA AND ROSE SIT AROUND THE TABLE DRINKING COFFEE. BLANCHE ENTERS FROM THE BACK DOOR HOLDING A NEWSPAPER. BLANCHE Girls, you wouldn't believe it. We made the paper. DOROTHY
What? BLANCHE There's a full spread with pictures of the march and we're in the picture right in the center. Would you look at that! BLANCHE PUTS THE NEWSPAPER ON THE TABLE. THEY HUDDLE OVER IT. BLANCHE (CONT’D) Elderly Miami residents? Wait a second, what kind of caption is that? 17.
SOPHIA An accurate one. BLANCHE Blanche Devereaux can be described as many things, but elderly is not one of them. SOPHIA In their defense, the other descriptions are only fit for bathroom stalls.
DOROTHY There is no defense for what they wrote. BLANCHE Thank you, Dorothy. The caption should read 'a beautiful middle-aged woman and her two elderly friends...' DOROTHY Who cares about the caption, you old biddy. I'm talking about the headline. (READING THE HEADLINE) They can stand the heat, but still got out of the
kitchen. (IMMEDIATE OUTRAGE) How sexist is that?! This is not okay. I'm calling up the paper right now. DOROTHY STORMS TO THE PHONE. 18.
DOROTHY (CONT’D) Heads will roll! ROSE
Roll where? DOROTHY To the roller rink, Rose! I'm saying there're gonna be serious repurcussions for the person who wrote this article and they are going to retract what they wrote. SOPHIA See if they can retract that picture of you, too. You look like an angry Big Bird raising hell on Sesame
Street. BLANCHE And if nothing else, have them change that terrible caption. SOPHIA Don't worry, Blanche. By tomorrow, you'll be old news. On second thought, you're already old news. DOROTHY (ON PHONE) Yes, I'm Dorothy Zbornak. I'm calling regarding the article written about yesterday's march. 19.
SOPHIA In Sicily, you couldn't call the newspaper to change a story. If it was written, it stayed that way. One time, the paper said my cousin Nunzio was killed by an unidentified man.
BLANCHE So everybody thought Nunzio was dead when he wasn't? SOPHIA Yep. Which turned out to be a good thing because the headline was supposed to read, "Nunzio killed an unidentified man." DOROTHY (ON PHONE) Yes, that was me and my two friends in the center picture. I'm the tall one in the middle.
SOPHIA Given how you look in that picture, you should want anonymity. DOROTHY My friend Rose is the blonde one and the one with the wrinkles and the dyed-brown hair is our friend Blanche, the oldest of the group. BLANCHE REACTS. 20.
DOROTHY (CONT’D) (ON PHONE) Alright. I will. DOROTHY HANGS UP AND WALKS BACK TO THE TABLE. BLANCHE Why Dorothy Zbornak, you call them right back and retract your retraction. DOROTHY Relax, Blanche, they're not printing our names.
ROSE What did they say? DOROTHY They said that they are sorry and they'll speak with the reporter. And they also said that I can write a letter to the editor. But I also plan to submit an op-ed piece as well. ROSE A what? DOROTHY
An op-ed. You know what an op-ed is, right? ROSE I know who Op-Ed is. He was -- BLANCHE Shut up, Rose. 21.
DOROTHY It's an opinion piece. Over the years,
I've submitted dozens of op-ed articles to the editor, but they always get rejected. SOPHIA At least dating's prepared you for the constant rejection. DOROTHY I'll tell you what, though. Sending my opinions to the op-ed section is a helluva lot better than posting them on Facebook. You wouldn't believe how many friends I've lost over silly arguments. SOPHIA I wouldn't believe you had many friends to lose! BLANCHE What were some of your articles about? DOROTHY Let's see...I wrote one about the gender pay gap that was rejected. SOPHIA Gee, I wonder why. A substitute teacher complaining about not making enough money. (MORE) 22. SOPHIA (CONT’D) If you really cared about the money, you wouldn't have become a teacher to begin with. DOROTHY A little while back, there was an article in the paper about the pay gap protest. They interviewed a woman who said she would go to the protest in spirit because she couldn't take time off of work. But that was the whole point of the protest! That's what prompted me to write that particular op-ed. People want to protest, but aren't willing to make a sacrifice. Gandhi didn't fast only when he was full. Imagine if Gandhi's 'fast until death' meant he'd still eat three meals a day, but just go without dessert once in awhile. BLANCHE Was your entire piece about Gandhi? DOROTHY Looking back, maybe I went a little overboard with the Gandhi references. ROSE What else have you written to Ed? 23.
DOROTHY Just recently I wrote an op-ed supporting the relocation of Confederate monuments from city streets to museums and cemeteries. BLANCHE You carpetbagging Yankee filth. DOROTHY Excuse me, you Southern trollop?! SOPHIA Now this feels like Facebook. BLANCHE You heard me, Dorothy. Those erections were put up to honor our heritage. SOPHIA Not to be confused with the erections put up to honor Blanche. BLANCHE My great granddaddy, who died in the civil war, once had a statue put up in his honor. One day, Mama went to pay her respects and Great Granddaddy's statue was gone! To this day, nobody knows what happened to Great Grandaddy's statue. ROSE Do you think he walked away? 24.
DOROTHY That is the leading theory. BLANCHE All I know is Mama and Big Daddy were devastated knowing they could no longer visit Great Granddaddy's statue. DOROTHY
But just because his statue's gone doesn't mean Mama and Big Daddy forgot about him. (THEN) I think you need a Southern accent to get away with saying Mama and Big Daddy. ROSE Dorothy's right. None of my relatives ever had a statue but I still remember them and pass down their stories from St. Olaf. DOROTHY Now those are statues I can support. Maybe if we build them, that'll stop the stories. THE PHONE RINGS. DOROTHY WALKS TO THE PHONE AND ANSWERS IT. DOROTHY (CONT’D) (ON PHONE) Hello. Yes, this is she. That's right. The one in the center. (MORE) 25. DOROTHY (CONT’D) Sure, that would be great. I'm free tomorrow. Let me give you my address. SOPHIA I'm with them, Blanche. I don't need any statue to remember somebody. I never forget a face. Unfortunately, I never memorize faces to begin with. But I digress. DOROTHY (ON PHONE) Great, I'll see you tomorrow evening.
DOROTHY HANGS UP AND WALKS BACK TO THE TABLE. BLANCHE Who was that, Dorothy? DOROTHY The newspaper reporter who wrote the article. He wants to interview me. ROSE For what? DOROTHY He said he wanted to hear my perspective on the march and the political and social landscape of today. I'm actually a little nervous. I feel an enormous amount of responsibility being the voice for so many people. 26.
SOPHIA What the hell are you talking about? He's a two-bit reporter for the third biggest newspaper in Miami. It's not exactly like you're being interviewed by David Frost! AND WE: FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE 27.
ACT TWO
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY DOROTHY SITS ON THE COUCH, WRITING IN A LEGAL PAD. SOPHIA READS ON THE COUCH. ROSE ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM AREA. ROSE Whatcha writing, Dorothy? DOROTHY I'm getting my thoughts together for the interview. I wanna make sure I say everything that's on my mind and get all my opinions across. If I get nervous, I know my mind will go blank. ROSE That happens to me, too. (THEN) Even when I'm not nervous. DOORBELL RINGS. ROSE WALKS TO THE DOOR. ROSE (CONT’D) It's probably Stan. DOROTHY
Rose, please tell me you're not going to that rally today. ROSE OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S STAN. STAN Hi, it's me, Stan. STAN ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. 28.
STAN (CONT’D) Okay, so I've got bad news and good news. What do you want first? DOROTHY You being here is the bad news, so that's out of the way. ROSE What's the good news? STAN I came up with a new idea. ROSE What's the real bad news? STAN I got a cease and desist letter for my original idea. ROSE Why? STAN Turns out it wasn't original. But I rebounded and came up with a new idea by gettin' the 'ole Zbornak juices flowing. DOROTHY
Careful, Rose, those juices are toxic. SOPHIA The CDC has a warning against them. 29.
STAN Wanna quick pitch before we hit up the rally? ROSE
Actually, Stan, no. New idea or old idea, either way, I was gonna have to pull out. STAN I don't understand. DOROTHY That misunderstanding led to Michael. ROSE Sorry for wasting your time, but I realized that I only said yes initially because they reminded me of the brugen flugens I played with growing up. STAN I don't think that's it. I think you got to her, Dorothy. DOROTHY No, I did not. I had nothing to do with her decision. It was all the bragin flagins. ROSE If anything, I was gonna go today because of Dorothy. 30.
DOROTHY What do you mean? ROSE Out of spite. You were talking to me like I couldn't make up my own mind or think for myself. STAN
You see that. That's how Trump won. Because the left thinks they're right. Meanwhile, the right thinks they're so right, they can't be wrong. (THEN) Wait a second. That's it! The 'ole Zbornak juices are flowing faster than ever. DOROTHY Step back, Rose. STAN I see that on bumper stickers. Shirts. Hats. Mugs. Left wing, right wing. Far left, far right. DOROTHY What the hell are you doing, commentating a hockey game?! STAN I'm gonna print those slogans on everything. (MORE) 31. STAN (CONT’D) "Left Is Always Right" and "Always Right, Never Wrong." That's brilliant, right? DOROTHY Wrong. STAN Well if you change your mind, the door's always open. DOROTHY Ours isn't. Close it on the way out. STAN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
DOROTHY (CONT’D) Rose, I'm sorry for pressuring you. ROSE No you're not. You do it all the time. Telling me to do this or telling me not to do that. Or telling me, "No, Rose, eat the Tricks. They're not just for kids." DOROTHY Rose, I've never pressured you into anything. ROSE Last year, you filled out my sample ballot for me saying that's how I should vote. 32.
DOROTHY I know you. I know who and what you would want to vote for and those propositions can be difficult to understand. SOPHIA Unlike Blanche's which are very straightforward. ROSE Dorothy, if you thought those propositions were hard to understand, it's clear you've never voted in a St. Olaf municipal election. DOROTHY I suppose I brought this on myself. Go for it, Rose. ROSE Propositions aside, just choosing a candidate could sometimes be difficult in St. Olaf. I remember the first election I was able to vote in. It was between Edgar Hovenbluff and Sven Globmeier. It was really hard to choose between them. 33.
DOROTHY Was it because they were both great candidates or both terrible candidates? ROSE Neither. Sven was behind in the early polling so he legally changed his name to Edgar Hovenbluff so that there would be two Edgar Hovenbluffs on the ballot. But on the ballot nobody would know who the real Edgar Hovenbluff was so they could've voted for Sven by mistake. Which is what Sven was hoping for since he was behind. And nobody knows why, but then Edgar Hovenbluff changed his name to Sven Globmeier. DOROTHY That makes things less complicated.
Wouldn't you know to just vote for the opposite person? ROSE People did. And Sven Globmeier won the election. SOPHIA Sven but really Edgar. 34.
ROSE Exactly. But then before he took office, Edgar changed his name back from Sven Globmeier to Edgar Hovenbluff. But Edgar Hovenbluff didn't win the election. Sven Globmeier did. So Sven changed his name back from Edgar to Sven and that's how Sven Globmeier won. SOPHIA Well I guess he deserved to be mayor after all the effort. ROSE That wasn't to be mayor. That was to be Director of Bull Castrations. DOROTHY AND SOPHIA REACT. DOROTHY I hope me listening to that entire story without wringing your neck shows you how sorry I am for putting pressure on you. I'm sure the punishment fit the crime.
SOPHIA Then what the hell did I do to deserve that?!
INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT BLANCHE SITS ON THE COUCH, TALKING ON THE PHONE. 35.
BLANCHE (ON PHONE) Well how much would it be to replace my great granddaddy's
statue? I see. Is there a discount if we repurpose a statue that's already been torn down? I've been told Great Grandaddy bore a striking resemblance to General Robert E. Lee. Perhaps one of his statues has come on the market. I'm sure that can be arranged. Very well then. Bye-bye. BLANCHE HANGS UP THE PHONE. THE DOORBELL RINGS. BLANCHE WALKS TO THE DOOR. BLANCHE OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S THE REPORTER, JERRY, A PLUMP MAN IN HIS FIFTIES HOLDING A PEN AND NOTEPAD. JERRY Hi, I'm a Jerry Reese, reporter with the Miami Tribune. BLANCHE Yes, come in. (CALLING OUT) Dorothy, the reporter's here. (TO JERRY) She'll be just a minute. Can I get you some water? JERRY That would be great. BLANCHE EXITS TO THE KITCHEN. JERRY'S CELL PHONE RINGS. HE ANSWERS IT. 36.
JERRY (CONT’D) Hey, I can't talk right now. I'm about to start my interview with Dorothy, the transgender woman from the protest. Okay. I'll see you in the office tomorrow. JERRY HANGS UP. BLANCHE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SETS THE GLASS OF WATER ON THE COFFEE TABLE. JERRY (CONT’D) While I'm waiting, is there anything you can tell me about Dorothy? (CLICKS PEN) Did you know her before her transition? BLANCHE Transition from...from Stan? I met her not too long after, actually. JERRY When you first met her, did you know she had gone through a transition? BLANCHE Did I? She wouldn't shut up about it. Stan this, Stan that. I'm like, "Honey, put Stan behind you. He should no longer be part of your life." JERRY I'm confused, so does she go back to Stan on occasion? 37.
BLANCHE No, she never really goes back to Stan. He just pops up now and then. JERRY Hmm. That's...interesting. BLANCHE It's downright annoying is what it is. DOROTHY ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM AREA. BLANCHE (CONT’D) I'll give you two your privacy. BLANCHE EXITS TO THE BEDROOM AREA.
JERRY First off, I want to apologize for the insensitive headline. But after seeing your picture and speaking with you, I knew I just had to interview you. DOROTHY Good, because I have a lot to say. JERRY I'm sure you have a unique perspective. That's why I'm here. DOROTHY Let's get one thing straight. A woman's place is not in the kitchen. A woman's place is wherever she chooses to be. That is a woman's place. (MORE) 38. DOROTHY (CONT’D) And that could be anywhere from the kitchen to the Oval Office. Don't forget, sir, it's called Mother Earth so we can be anywhere we damn well please. It is our world that we are graciously allowing men to live in. JERRY Have you always held that opinion? DOROTHY Absolutely. I've always believed that women belonged in the workplace and not just at home. JERRY Knowing your thoughts on what it means to be a woman and proving to people what women can do, I imagine it was that mindset that helped you make the transition. Maybe even prompted you to make the transition. Am I right in saying that? DOROTHY I honestly don't think of it as making a transition. I always knew what I was supposed to be and I always knew that education was very important to me. (MORE) 39. DOROTHY (CONT’D) Especially in this day and age, it's proper education that fights ignorance and close-mindedness and anything I could do to further someone's education I did and still do today. JERRY I completely agree. Now, if you don't mind me asking, when did you transition? DOROTHY It had to have been, gosh, at least forty years ago when I made the transition. But it really wasn't that big of a deal. JERRY Really? I would say it's quite a big deal. Especially at that time. It was incredibly progressive. DOROTHY I don't know about all that. But yes, it's more commonplace now than it was back then. JERRY Was the process difficult? You know, going through the change. 40.
DOROTHY Going from just raising a family to raising a family and getting work done, that was difficult. But I did it. And the work I've done over the years has been incredibly fulfilling. JERRY And it shows. DOROTHY I always knew that there was a lot I wanted to accomplish workwise. In all honesty, I would've gone headstrong into work had I not gotten married to my now ex-husband. That pushed everything back several years, but here we are. JERRY So you were married to a man? DOROTHY Anatomically, sure, I guess you can call him that. JERRY
And you were legally married? DOROTHY That's right. 41.
JERRY How is that possible? I didn't know you could legally be married back
then. DOROTHY How do you figure that? JERRY Excuse me? (THEN, REALIZING) Oh, no. Mind if I take a sip of water? JERRY SETS HIS NOTEPAD ON THE COUCH, GRABS THE GLASS OF WATER AND GUZZLES DOWN THE ENTIRE GLASS. DOROTHY We are talking about the transition from staying at home to the workplace, right? JERRY (TRYING TO COVER) Yes, yes we are. So my last question is, uh, what was the transition like from being a housewife taking care of kids to entering the workforce? DOROTHY As I've been saying, it wasn't as challenging as you might think. I -- JERRY And that's all I need.
JERRY STANDS UP. 42.
DOROTHY That's it? JERRY Yep. That's it. Thank you for your time, Stan. MA'AM! JERRY, FLUSTERED, BOLTS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. SOPHIA ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.
SOPHIA How'd it go, pussycat? DOROTHY Confusing, short-lived and he left in a hurry. SOPHIA I thought it was an interview, not a date.
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING DOROTHY, ROSE AND BLANCHE SIT AROUND THE TABLE. THEY ALL FLIP THROUGH DIFFERENT SECTIONS OF THE NEWSPAPER. SOPHIA COOKS ON THE STOVE. DOROTHY Are you two having any luck finding it? BLANCHE No. Dorothy, I don't think they ran your story. SOPHIA It's probably because he left his notepad here. 43.
DOROTHY What? SOPHIA Yeah, I found it between the couch cushions when I was looking for loose change. DOROTHY Where is it now? SOPHIA It's still there. Who do I look like,
Ann B. Davis? Get it yourself. DOROTHY EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM. MOMENTS LATER, SHE ENTERS THE KITCHEN, NOTEPAD IN HAND. DOROTHY (READING) Dorothy Zbornak. Transgender woman. Used to go by Stan. Transitioned while married. Transitioned over forty years ago. (TOSSES NOTEPAD) I don't believe this! ROSE Me either. You used to go by Stan? That must've been awkward when you two first met. It reminds me of Edgar and Sven back in -- DOROTHY Shut up, Rose! BLANCHE Well would you look at what I found. 44.
DOROTHY He did write an article? BLANCHE No, not quite. But I think there's a picture of Stan at the rally. At least, I think it's Stan. DOROTHY Does he have an unsure, I'm-looking- for-the-mens-room look on his face? BLANCHE Yeah. DOROTHY Then that's Stan. He gets that look when he's in large crowds. ROSE How could you not tell it's Stan? BLANCHE Look at what he's wearing. BLANCHE HOLDS UP THE PAPER. DOROTHY Just when you think his hairpieces can't get any worse, he comes up with that. ROSE (READING CAPTION) Members of a white
supremacist group take to the streets wearing Donald Trump combover wigs. 45.
DOROTHY Trump combover wigs? That was his other big idea? THE DOORBELL RINGS. DOROTHY STANDS UP AND WALKS TO THE LIVING ROOM. DOROTHY (CONT’D) I'm going back and forth more than
Marco Rubio did on the tax bill. DOROTHY EXITS TO THE LIVING ROOM. MOMENTS LATER, SHE ENTERS THE KITCHEN WITH STAN IN TOW. STAN Did you happen to see -- (EYES NEWSPAPER ON THE TABLE) Oh. ROSE See what? DOROTHY The Beatles on Ed Sullivan, Rose. STAN I won't be able to show my face around this city again. SOPHIA I think I speak for the entire city when I say, "Good." STAN What do I do? DOROTHY Put a sheet over your head like the rest of them. 46.
STAN Dorothy, please! That's not helping. DOROTHY I told you not to go down there. And to think, all of this was to sell that stupid Trump wig. I can't help you. STAN Do you know what this is gonna do to the Zbornak name? SOPHIA Nothing you haven't done to it already. STAN I can't call the paper and say I don't believe in white supremacy. They won't believe me. It's like if somebody needs to say 'I'm not racist' that probably means they're racist. I need somebody to call for me. BLANCHE Don't look at me. I already used my sexual favor to get my caption retracted. And my other favor to get the statue going for Great Granddaddy. (MORE) 47. BLANCHE (CONT’D) And my other favor to...well, I guess the last one wasn't so much a favor as much as it was quid pro quo. You scratch my back -- SOPHIA -- you lay on your back. DOROTHY I'll call the paper for you, Stan. STAN Dorothy, you're a doll. SOPHIA More like a puppet. DOROTHY WALKS TO THE PHONE.
DOROTHY If that half-wit reporter is any indication, it's clear we're not dealing with a team of Pulitzer Prize winning journalists. To think I'm transgender. Where do they come off thinking that? Maybe they see a strong woman and think, "Surely she had to have been born a man." SOPHIA Strong woman, maybe. But I'm thinking it's more the strong jawline. BLANCHE And you do have broad shoulders. 48.
ROSE And you do have a deep voice. DOROTHY (UNINTENTIONALLY DEEP) I do not. (SOFTER, DAINTIER) I do not. SOPHIA Please. You sang bass in the school choir. And that was in the sixth grade. DOROTHY Just keep on kicking me, why don't you. SOPHIA No, we'll stop. DOROTHY Thank you. SOPHIA You never kick a man when he's down. AND WE: FADE OUT. END OF SHOW