A No t -To-Be-Be l i e v e d Se m e s t e r En d i n g Ed i t i o n THE P l e a s e r e c y c l e t h i s Thursday, December 10, 2009 newspaper when you are Volume 47, Issue 14 NuGgEt finished with it. YOUR STUDENT NEWSPAPER, EDMONTON, ALBERTA, CANADA nait goes nude! Story page 3

Our Nugget staff gets together to kick off this utterly unbelievable edi- tion, which should not be taken seriously!

Photo by Raymond Ip 2 The Nugget NOTE: this FANCIFUL PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! Thursday, December 10, 2009 NEWS&FEATURES NAIT mascot tragedy By ryan flaherty NAIT is mourning the tragic loss this week of the school’s mascot, the Ooklet, who died while attempting to fly. The circumstances surrounding the tragedy are still somewhat unclear, but investigators are hoping that the results of an autopsy, expected some time next week, will help fill in the blanks. So far, all police are willing to say is that some time between 5 p.m. and 10 p.m. last Saturday evening, the beloved blue owl climbed to the top of the parkade outside the Industrial Technical building and proceeded to fling himself off the upper level, dying instantly upon impact. One witness, who asked that her name not be published, said that every- thing happened quickly. “One minute I saw the Ooklet high- fiving a bunch of basketball fans outside the parkade, the next thing you know I see him hitting the ground,” she said. “He pretty much exploded into a ball of blue fluff and foam rubber.” Authorities are still piecing together the timeline leading up to the Ooklet’s Photo illustration untimely demise. Several amateur vid- Much-beloved Ook, above, takes his final leap, and the eos confirm the owl’s presence at the sad result is shown, right. evening’s basketball games. However, Photo illustration at some point during halftime of the men’s been under the influence of alcohol. Like, a lot theory. game it appears the Ooklet made a hasty exit. of alcohol. Enough to give an entire village “All the Ooklet ever wanted was to be like Whatever the reason, athletes and fans alike “There are reports that the Ooklet got into alcohol poisoning. Then again, he’s an owl, so other owls. He just wanted to eat rodents, rotate are left to grieve the loss of a beloved member some kind of confrontation outside the gymna- who knows if that would have even affected his neck 180 degrees and hoot the night away” of the NAIT family. sium,” stated an Edmonton police spokesper- him? I’m gonna go do some googling.” she said. “I think he wanted to believe so badly “It’s just so sad,” said Campbell. “He never son. “We’re not sure what started it, but prelim- NAIT business student and unofficial Ook- that he was like other owls that he convinced did quite grasp the concept that he was just a inary indications are that the Ooklet may have let biographer Daphne Campbell had another himself he could fly.” guy in a suit.” Tory comes clean to the Nugget

be. I haven’t really had to experience it. with conservatives. Ugh. word for communist. Look at Africa, country, shouldn’t your favourite book OK, well … let’s get started. With That’s an interesting take on the that screwed them up. be something that inspires you to think the whole coalition issue last year, do Liberal party, perhaps not something OK … What about Norway? Nor- critically, produce change? I mean, you ever get worried that the Liberals you should be telling the media? way is the world’s third-largest oil what about the human condition? will begin to slowly take over? Well you said this was a student exporter and because of the way they Sorry I’m not familiar with that First of all, Brittany, you see that newspaper. handle it … they have in effect, figured book. man over there? He’s wearing plaid, he Moving on … your party gets a lot out how to transform a nonrenewable What is the worst part about your has metal balls hanging from his truck flack about the tar sands, and you are resource into a self-sustaining resource: job? BRITTANY BLACK and he says things like “gotsta” and “ya often criticized for oil policies. What do free education, near-perfect health care Pretending that I don’t think things Assistant Issues Editor hear ’bout.” He’s a liberal. you have to say about that stuff? and carbon-neutral? Should Canada like Adam Lambert kissing men on You see that other man? That man First of all, there will always be oil should look to Norway as a role model? stage aren’t funny, and the fact that A high-powered national Conser- has a book in his hand, probably has issues. What are we gunna do? We’re NO-r WAY. this Lady Gaga character never wears vative agreed recently to do an anon- a poli-sci degree and can be a bit of a gunna just shut it down? I mean … Really? That is your answer? I’m pants. Let me be clear, that is gold. ymous interview with The Nugget sh**head (mind my language … can come on, that’s stupid. going to assume you just don’t want to What is the best part about your (something about “In Your Commu- you print that?) but he’s got his head I never said you should shut it talk about politics then. What is your job? nity” “Pretending to Care” type gig, I on straight, and he can spell. He is a down. It’s a well known fact that natu- favourite book? Free gas, I hear the oil industry is am sure) but nonetheless, here is my conservative. ral gas and oil is nearing its peak and Guinness World Records. just killing you guys. exclusive sit-down discussion with this Let me be clear, as long as liter- we know the demand for both are ris- Really. You are a politician, and If you were an animal, which one man, who did not want to be identified. acy continues to spiral downward, ing. And what about the $33 billion in that is your favourite book? would you be? Hi, I assume you are enjoying and trades continue to be popu- the last year that was lost due to oil Yes, it takes my mind off a lot of A lion. the cold weather here? Welcome to lar among young men who support revenues that could have benefited us things. Let me be clear, did you know Why? Alberta! local strip joints, then no, liberals in other ways? Some say we should that there is a snake over 200 pounds? First of all, I kind of look like one. I Yes, it’s not that bad, and I mean, will never run this country. Unless nationalize the oil industry in Canada. I’ll be damned. feel like I am both feared and respected thank God I have a heated vehicle tak- a bunch of feminists take over the Let me be clear, those people are But that’s your job, to constantly be by mostly everyone, while permitting ing me to and from wherever I need to country and boycott reproduction stupid. Nationalize? That’s just another thinking and re-thinking the state of our my wife to do all the work. Thursday, December 10, 2009 NOTE: this fanciful PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! The Nugget 3

Au naturel is best The Nugget Room E-128B 11762–106 Street Edmonton, Alberta T5G 2R1 Production Office 471-8866 www.thenuggetonline.com Editor-in-Chief Chris Carmichael-Powell By MacKENZIE MARSHALL [email protected] Issues Editor Sports Editor That’s right everyone you see it right. Landon Hommy Clothing is now optional for all NAIT [email protected] students. Assistant Sports Editor “I’m pumped,” exclaimed Johnny Big- Curtis Binkowski wood, a first year meat-cutting student. [email protected] “It’s all about being comfortable. When Entertainment Editor I’m working in my lab, cutting the most Colleen Nuc delicious slabs of meat, I let it all hang [email protected] loose. That’s when I do my best work.” The measure was passed last night at the Assist. Entertainment Editor annual holiday NAIT meeting. The decision Kathy Le was made for a number of reasons. [email protected] Issues Editor Increase attendance MacKenzie Marshall “We’re hoping that it will increase [email protected] attendance, enrolment and support from various nudists from around the world,” Assistant Issues Editor said Pamela Beecup, spokesperson for Brittany Black NAIT. [email protected] “Let’s be honest here, NAIT already Photo Editor offers a very unique education experi- Raymond Ip ence. Our hands on learning environment [email protected] and delivery are second to none. Think of Production Manager doing all that in the buff. Everyone will Frank MacKay want to come here,” Beecup added. Another reason for the change is to try [email protected] to curb the problem of harassment on NAIT For advertising, call 471-8866 campus. Because males outnumber females or e-mail: [email protected] on campus by such a large margin, male suitors, who are in way over their heads, Photo by Raymond Ip Submissions encouraged: Nugget writer Ryan Flaherty explains the new dress code at a recent meeting. constantly approach NAIT’s females. [email protected] “When you think about it, everyone is so ner- dents, you’ll know there’s no one with more cred- The deadline is noon on the last “The best thing” vous when they start school. If you take away itability than me,” Dr. Conwisdom said in a state- school day of the week. (All sub- “I think it’s the best thing that could happen,” everything, and strip down to the nude, you’re ment from his Havana home. missions must include your name proclaimed Kelly Applebottom, a second-year showing off who you really are, and that takes There are those who think the idea is fool- and student ID number.) Dental student. courage. Once you see that everyone is in the ish, a president from a post-secondary school The opinions expressed by contribu- “All these losers come up to me all the time same boat, amazing things will happen,” said in Edmonton, who chose to remain anonymous tors to the Nugget are not necessarily and say things like ‘hey baby, can I see what’s Cecil Longjok, a NAIT counsellor. said, “I really can’t see this one working out for shared by NAIT officials, NAITSA or under your scrubs?’ Now all they have to do is The Nugget’s own resident expert, Dr. Con- NAIT. It’s not something I’d bring to my school elected school representatives. look at me, then look down, and they’ll know right wisdom, also weighed in, and is in favour of the anyway. I’m kind of wondering what they’re away they’re not getting a sip of my milkshake.” new policy. doing over there. First they say they might raise NAIT officials hope that the “bearin’ it all” “As a doctor, I fully endorse this product, per- tuition 40 per cent, and now this. It takes the policy will allow new students to make new son or project wholeheartedly. If you go back and cake. Makes me wonder who’s in charge over Letters friends easier on campus. read any of the advice I’ve given to NAIT stu- there.” We want your views Is something bugging you about NAIT or the rest of the world? Do you have some praise Bounce your troubles away to dish out about the school or life By RYAN FLAHERTY house said. “We would then set up the bouncy posed by NAITSA would be specially reinforced in general? Life as a student can be very stressful, whether castles in various locations throughout the cam- to allow students of all sizes to climb aboard. Get those thoughts into print. it’s dealing with assignments, projects and exams, pus, so that students who need to blow off a little “Let’s face it, fat people experience stress too. Keep them short and to the or balancing work with school in order to pay steam can do so in a safe, healthy way.” Hell, in many cases just climbing up the stairs can point. No more than 100 words. Hell, we’re a newspaper not an tuition and bills. There are many things which Each castle location would emphasize a dif- be stressful. It’s important to make these castles encyclopedia. Give us a break! can give the average student a generous amount ferent source of stress. For example, one would all-access,” explained Jared Fogle, owner of Jar- Submit your letters with your of angst. be set up in the South Lobby for students deal- ed’s Bouncy Beauties, which has pledged to sell real name and phone number to: With that in mind, the NAIT Students’ Associ- ing with financial frustration, another near the the specially-constructed castles to NAIT at cost. [email protected]. ation has submitted a proposal to the school which activities centre to help athletes get over a poor Though the proposal has yet to be approved, Don’t sweat it. We won’t publish will provide a new outlet for students to relieve performance, and yet another in the NAITrium many on campus are already buzzing about it. your phone number, but we do their daily stress. Bryce Althouse, NAITSA’s VP for those frustrated over the shortage of working “This will be awesome,” proclaimed Photogra- need to list your real name. Campus Life, outlined the details of the plan. microwaves. phy student Joan Watters. It’s all good. Getting something “Essentially what we’d like to do is purchase In contrast to most bouncy castles, which “I usually just drink tons of booze and punch off your chest is downright thera- several bouncy castles, like the ones you see at often come with restrictions on the size or weight my little brother in the face when I’m feeling peutic. Write us. rich kids’ birthday parties or fairgrounds,” Alt- of any potential “bouncers,” the castles being pro- stressed out. But booze is expensive.” 4 The Nugget NOTE: this FANCIFUL PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! Thursday, December 10, 2009 Linda’s TechTalk It’s the wheel thing!

By LINDA HOANG This “wheel” is a circular device that else, forever.” attaching a chain to it, and creating a play- The news I am about to break to you rotates on an “axis” causing a phenomenon Wheeley is now the richest man in the ground contraption called a “tire swing.” will change your called “rolling.” world as he’s just finished signing deals “One of the kids I teach actually took life forever. This allows for with all major car, flight and other loco- string and tied a wheel from a tree,” Mrs. The Nug- easy and, as some motive companies that will see his wheels Tiffany Dawson said. “I thought it was get has acquired world-renowned replace the current square box designs that really dangerous at first but now I see it’s exclusive rights s c i e n t i s t s a r e have been allowing vehicles to move thus quite amusing.” to be the very first describing, seam- far. The International Committee of Tech- newspaper in the less movement. I simply do not know how we’ve been nology has deemed the invention of the world to announce There are pre- getting by this long without it. wheel as the second most important tech- the invention of dictions that the Gone are the days of jerky, slow move- nology to be invented – ever, second only something truly wheel will change ments and hard labour. to fire. monumental. the world as we Wheels are already being shipped across Personally, I’m extremely excited about And how know it. the world to schools, hospitals, and military what new opportunities this invention will lucky am I that “This has just compounds. create for us all. my technology b e e n t h e m o s t One local elementary school teacher The wheel is sure to help civilization column has been exciting week,” says she plans on taking one big wheel, roll into the future. chosen for this We s W h e e l e y, announcement. t h e c r e a t o r o f Just this Mon- t h e w h e e l t o l d day, the wheel me from his cot- was invented. This high-tech toy is set to sweep the t a g e i n F r a n c e ICY Sidewalk? I know. My nation. on Tuesday in an jaw dropped as exclusive phone We are again approaching the season when snow, ice and rain can make our well. interview. sidewalks treacherous. In Grounds we do everything we can to keep our sidewalks Now it might be hard to picture, but let “My incredible invention is going to and entrances safe but there are times when it is impossible to get to every location me describe it to you. change transportation, and who knows what in a timely manner. In order to speed up our response times to icy situations we have added two new manual ice melt spreaders and a unit which mounts to one of our Ga- tors. These will give us a faster and more even coverage of the sidewalks. Prior to snowfalls, we contract with a firm to put down a product called Anti-Ice, a corn- based compound, which inhibits ice from forming on sidewalks and walkways. We put this Where there is down at high-traffic locations throughout the Institute. In addition, there are several sandboxes strategically placed throughout the Institute’s walking areas (see attached map) that we keep filled with a mixture of Eco-friendly ice melt and a product called Eco-traction. Inside the sandboxes are scoops to aid in spread- smoke ... ing the ice melt. If you find an area that is slippery, please feel free to apply ice melt to the area. By GARIT BYINGTON through the roof.” Our snow removal priorities for entrances and sidewalks are as follows: NAIT had better make sure their food Even with the quantity of cooking rising, 1. Entrances, ramps and sidewalks used by the disabled. services are fully stocked, as the munch- the quality of this food is rising, too, as it 2. Main building entrances and sidewalks. ies are sweeping the campus. A student-led appears many culinary students work, cook 3. Secondary entrances and sidewalks. proposal that NAIT lift the campus smok- and bake much better while under the influ- Thank you for helping us to keep our campus as safe as possible by wearing proper ing ban to allow recreational marijuana use ence of THC (the natural chemical found in winter footwear and spreading ice melt in trouble spots as you see them. has surfaced. marijuana plants). Cigarettes, cigars and other forms of “This is great man, it’s nice to see NAIT NAIT Ice Melt Storage Locations Main Campus smoking tobacco would still be illegal on take a stand,” said Construction student campus, except at designated smoking Cheech. areas. The idea was thought of as a way to “No longer will I have to go for car ride increase the income obtained through food during breaks, if you know what I mean.” services. The level of creativity in construction projects is expected to rise with this new After a survey campus law. The idea came after a survey showed the majority, not minority, burn tree on campus. “Much different” “This will just bring incredible business “It’s much different than smoking ciga- to our food services,” said one student. rettes,” said electrician student Chong. “We’ve needed to find an additional “For starters the smell of the sticky icky source of income to help out the Institute is much better than that of nasty tobacco. If during this recession. Maybe the rest of you’re going to smoke something, you might Canadian universities, colleges and institutes as well get high.” will take notice, and follow this structure.” These words, as determined through Already, the University of Alberta has a full-student-body survey, are echoed all taken notice of the potential for increased throughout campus. income, and is believed to be preparing for Times-are-a-changing at NAIT, red eyes the same survey conducted at NAIT. are now the prominent eye colour, daily fake- “My fellow culinary students and I fire drills are occurring at 4:20 p.m., and the couldn’t be happier,” remarked culinary stu- campus is in a much more jovial mood. dent Bob Marley. NAIT hopes soon the rest of the world “Our importance and popularity is ris- will take notice, and the stance on marijuana ing immensely on campus as the demand decriminalization will lean heavily on the for our cooking and baked goods are soaring side of the stoned. Thursday, December 10, 2009 NOTE: this fanciful PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! The Nugget 5 opinion — Editorial — Spoofing is hard work! ow, this has been an interesting Wweek, to say the least. As I’m sure by now you are all aware that this is quite the unique edition of The Nugget. The edito- Chris Carmichael-POWELL rial staff wanted to express Editor-in-Chief their creative sides and write some interesting, not so fact- based, content. I’m not going to lie, when the idea was first proposed I tried to avoid it at all costs, literally. Every semester the editors think it will be fun to pull something like this off, and it may be for them. For the rest of us who had to iron out some of the difficulties that arose throughout this week, I’m sure I can speak for all of us when I say fun is not the word I think would be used, but I can say the use of another f-word would suit the sentiment perfectly. Harder than it seems It turns out writing fake news is significantly harder than reporting on actual events. We have to make sure we don’t upset our advertisers, make sure we don’t get sued for defamation of character and, most of all, try to make the content funny (emphasis on try). Thank you to everyone who lent a helping hand this week, this issue would not have been possible without you. I truly appreciate your support and commitment to The Nug- get staff; it doesn’t go unnoticed. Seeing as this is a relatively new idea to The Nugget, I would love some feedback. I’m not sure this is something we could pull off with every editorial team, but this one truly is special, and I don’t mean in a Special Olympics type of way. A big thank-you also goes out to each and every one of them. Many of them will be gone next semester finishing up their programs with their internships and will be missed, some of them … not so much Problems with focus? The good thing about the last issue of 2009, despite the issues we’ve timkindberg.com encountered with it, is it signals the end of our first semester. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve been waiting for this moment since midterms. After midterms I generally start losing focus on my studies, and spend more Your views are important mornings sleeping in from school than I would like. The problem with sleeping in and a loss of focus is I have no clue what is on my finals, nor We want to hear from you! do I have any idea of how I’m going to pass them. Oops, there goes my GPA. Is something bugging you Submit your letters with your I would like to finish off this year with saying good luck to all about NAIT or the rest of the real name and phone number of you on your finals, and Happy Holidays. To those students that world? Do you have some to: [email protected]. are done at NAIT after this semester, good luck with all your future praise to dish out about the Don’t sweat it. We won’t endeavours! school or life in general? Get publish your phone number, ●●● those thoughts into print. but we do need to list your On a side note, keeping the holiday season in mind, I feel it is important Keep them short and to real name. It’s all good. Get- to mention I am a huge fan of chocolate, candy and anything deep-fried. the point. No more than 100 ting something off your chest So if I happen to come into the office one day and find some wrapped up words. We’re a newspaper, is downright therapeutic. on my desk, I definitely will not complain. With the exception of deep- not an encyclopedia. Give us Trust us on that. fried food, that would be a tad sketchy. a break! Write us. 6 The Nugget NOTE: this FANCIFUL PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! Thursday, December 10, 2009 SPORTS Oilers sign Adam Banks! “When I saw him do that, I knew I was see- ing something special,” says Oilers head coach Dr. Quinn Medicine Man. “I’ll never see any- thing like that again.” Banks was once touted as a lock for the No.1 pick, but wasn’t drafted due to his insis- tence on playing for only one team. “I’m a Hawk,” he insisted. The Chicago Blackhawks tried to trade up for the first pick but teams By LANDON HOMMY balked at their Alexei Zhamnov-Garry Valk Sports Editor offers. There is new hope in the City of After going undrafted, the former Junior Champions! Goodwill Games star disappeared for years, The greatest junior player of all time, Adam before Tambourine stumbled upon a clerical Banks, signed an unprecedented $20 million-a- error. year deal with the Edmonton Oilers on Wednes- “The district lines were redrawn,” exclaims day in what officials say is the GM. “Banks was tech- “the greatest signing ever His slick hands, nically allowed to play for made.” great speed, and us.” “ We ’ r e s o p r o u d t o on-ice aware- When asked what the announce this signing,” says hell he was talking about, Oilers GM Geoff Tambou- ness make Sidney Tambourine starting calling rine, “I can now safely guar- Crosby look like a the media a bunch of “cake antee a Stanley Cup victory eaters.” this season.” pylon, Ovechkin a Ironically, Banks’ sole Banks, a native of Min- plug and Luongo a purpose is to destroy the neapolis, Minnesota, is rel- sieve. team he used to love, stat- atively unknown among ing that he wants to “kick young hockey fans, but some Hawk butt.” rumours of his legend make veteran scouts, and As for the contract, even though it’s impos- for some reason veteran movie fans, giddy. His sible to pay someone $20 million under the teenidols4you.com current salary cap, the Oilers don’t care. slick hands, great speed, and on-ice awareness Adam Banks make Sidney Crosby look like a pylon, Ovech- “We’ll just charge $12 for beer,” shrugs kin a plug and Luongo a sieve. His greatest skill owner Pharryl Gates. was massive,” says Banks. “But my game-win- megastar, something Tambourine has already however, is his ability to extend his arm, grab a So where does this rank for Banks in his ning shootout goal over Iceland has to be num- thought about. “We’re currently in talks with hockey stick by its end and rotate it WITHOUT career? Third, actually. ber one.” the Bash Brothers.” dropping it. “Well the win over Trinidad and Tobago The Oilers’ challenge now is protecting their You’re going down, Reilly. The Bink wrap ... case,” said a doctor who coach Craig MacTavish asked for, the writer of this article does not wished to not be named. and his ex-least favourite believe Shawn Horcoff is to blame for his “He’s too tough, too good- Edmonton Oiler are now contract. looking, and dresses too pretty good pals. On Fri- 1. PRONGER APOLOGIZES TO CURTIS BINKOWSKI well to actually be what day night, the two of them EDMonton – Chris Pronger, the man who Assistant Sports Editor people think he is.” we’re seen enjoying some could have captained the Edmonton Oilers 5. KATZ ACTUALLY IRONMAN – 3. COFFEY, COFFEE pints at Joey Tomato’s on to their sixth Stanley Cup in 2007, one year Darryl Katz, the widely admired billionaire ADDICT – Paul Coffey, Jasper Ave. Shawn Horcoff after their Game 7 loss against Carolina, has owner of the Edmonton Oilers, has exposed who signed an endorse- even joined them at the issued a public statement apologizing to the his true identity. He blasted out of his $24 ment deal with a coffee end of the night and ques- city of Edmonton. million shopping mall-like house near merchant three weeks ago, tioned MacT when he gave “I am deeply sorry for leaving Edmon- Hawrelak Park and high into the sky, so high is now suing the company. the server a 100 per cent ton. I had such a great time in your city. All that he needed painkillers, so he stopped into He is suing them for caus- tip. “Man, that’s a pretty the television reporters wanted me, but I said his local Rexall drugstore, where the cus- ing him extended periods big tip,” said Horcoff, “I no to keep my wife happy. Perhaps it wasn’t tomer service is excellent. of dehydration, bronze don’t think she deserved worth it. I don’t even really know what I’m 4. SOURAY NOT HUMAN – Shel- coloured urination, insom- that much.” MacT then talking about right now. I am glad I spent don Souray’s most recent medical exam nia, yellow teeth and bad looked over at Penner and only one year in Anaheim. I am way too big www.talk-sports.net has revealed that he is, in fact, not actually breath. Sheldon Souray said, “Ooh, this just got of a deal to be called a Duck. To all the fans a man, but the perfect specimen of a man. 2. MAC-T AND awkward.” of Edmonton, I am so sorry I ever left and “We always kind of thought that this was the PENNER HAVE A BEER – Ex-Oilers’ head Note: Assuming it was offered and not deeply wish I could come back.” Thursday, December 10, 2009 NOTE: this fanciful PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! The Nugget 7 Nets to play Ooks By LANDON HOMMY “They should be preparing for the Chinese guy.” Sports Editor national championship!” screamed a Like Yao Ming? Who!? mute child via a pen and pad of paper. “He’s supposed to be. He isn’t yet, The hapless New Jersey Nets are Others, however, were more under- though.” making the flight to Edmonton to take standing about this seemingly ridicu- Clearly it’s not worth attending the on the NAIT Ooks men’s basketball lous game. game for those guys, but the Ooks at team in an exhibition match. “Listen, the Nets want to practise least will start their usual studs. Shane “Holy shit!” exclaimed some guy against the best, so why not help out Reese, Chris Neptune, Shane Cox, reading my computer screen. a terrible team?” says the score clock Rodel Grenaway and Gerard Mozwa Yeah. Crazy. The only thing is, guy. “What good is being No. 1 if you should slaughter whoever the Nets put who are the New Jersey Nets? can’t inspire one of the worst teams out there. Hoops Ana- ever?” “I can’t wait to watch the Ooks lyst, Dr. Bashket- The Nets just again,” says Muff Wahxer, an enthusi- Bahls, says the fired their head astic NAIT booster. “Sure it sucks we Nets are a profes- coach, so some have to watch that other team but hey, sional basketball guy named Kiki what can you do?” team hailing from or something tried In a poll taken amongst the five America’s East- to sound inspira- people sitting around me, the biggest ern seaboard, and tional or whatever problem for the Nets is their stupid are currently 2-19 – we didn’t write name. Here are the results: on the current NBA season. it down. But it probably went some- 1 out of 5 said: The Nets? Did they “Yeah I didn’t really know who thing like this: need to be reminded where the ball they were when they told us,” mused “The Ooks are so freaking good. goes? an anonymous team source. “I thought The best NAIT has seen in a long time. 1 out of 5 said: I like the name; it they were kidding when they said they I figure this game will be a chance to isn’t confusing like the Ooks. wanted to play us. We really have bet- show my team what it takes to be a 3 out of 5 said: Who are the Nets? ter things to do.” winner.” So come out to the NAIT gym The Ooks, of course, are not 2-19. When the coach was asked who whenever the Nets get here and cheer They’re No. 1 in the country. After the was on his team, he had to look at his on the Ooks as they reiterate to every- announcement, they were met with a sheet. one that they shouldn’t have accepted bballcity.com wave of criticism, insults and eggs for “We have, uh, Devin Harris. He’s an exhibition challenge from such a Yi Jianlian lowering their standards by accepting pretty good. Josh Boone is on our brutal team. Isn’t a Yao Ming yet the exhibition challenge. team. Oh yeah, we have a really tall Go Ooks! Tiger tales told at The Nugget By Curtis Binkowski reporter could be heard cursing under his Assistant Sports Editor breath, “are you ****in’ kiddin’ me brotha? It had been reported that Tiger Woods We weren’t planning on dis sh*t!” had an affair with up to 10 women, but now Nuc’s relationship with Tiger began in a the number has jumped to 12! Our very own Las Vegas night club when Nuc approached Nugget staffers, Colleen Nuc and Christo- him and asked him if he could show her how pher Carmichael-Powell, revealed on NAIT to properly place a flag pin inside the cup. NewsWatch that they were very much a part According to Nuc, he said he could definitely of the Tiger Woods sex scandal. do that, as long as she didn’t mind cleaning Before it became public, Nuc arranged his bag – golf bag, that is. She then replied: “I with NAIT NewsWatch that she would could definitely do that, but then you’ll reveal her relationship with Woods have to show me how to chip out of on live television, with her best the rough and into the back nine. friend, Christopher Carmi- “I recall this one really weird chael-Powell, there for support. moment the two of us shared,” Everything seemed to be going said Nuc. “I told him the Pin- as planned for this segment of nacle of his Ping was Dunlop- the show, until an even bigger sided, he told me that it’s just the shocker took place. Callaway that he was Taylor-made, “Colleen was explaining how she and that my Titleists were Maxfli.” met Tiger and the first couple of steps they Carmichael-Powell’s relationship took towards an affectionate relationship,” with Tiger, on the other hand, was nothing NewsWatch told the Nugget. “It was start- intimate. ing to become very, very intense. The crowd “I had no interest in his charm, his swag- had quieted and Colleen was on the verge of ger, his confidence, his mannerisms, noth- tears. This is when Christopher jumped out ing. I especially had no interest in his phys- of his seat and yelled, ‘We had a ménage a ical appearance, the way he walks, his trois-ger!’” smoooooth talking, his mesmerizing smile, The producers of the show immediately his incredible pecs … ” called for a commercial break, but instead When a Nugget interviewer asked him if of cutting to commercial break, the cam- he liked Tiger’s bank account, Carmichael- era stayed on the NewsWatch set where the Powell immediately ended the interview. 8 The Nugget NOTE: this FANCIFUL PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! Thursday, December 10, 2009 ENTERTAINMENT Snow White not so lily white Snow White’s life, telling her to flee into the woods and never come back. While dodging the queen’s evil bitch face, Snow White stumbles upon a small cottage, and decides to break in and “clean house.” After a long, hard day’s work, the seven Dwarfs come home to find the floozy asleep across three of their beds. Instead of calling COLLEEN NUC the town sheriff to arrest this law break- Entertainment Editor ing bitch, the small men soon recog- Anyone who knows me can tell nize Snow White’s many “talents” and you that I’m not really into smutty decide to let her stay. Disgusting. films. I like to keep things clean and While Snow White keeps her- classy. So when I came across Dis- self busy “seven days a week,” the ney’s Snow White and the Seven queen discovers that the huntsman had Dwarfs, you can only imagine my deceived her and that her stepdaugh- utter disgust and disdain for Disney’s ter is in fact very alive. Things quickly take on this classic children’s fairy turn ugly, literally. The queen turns her- tale. Then again, the movie was made self into an old hag and roofies the slut in the Dirty Thirties, and people were with a drugged apple, sending Snow paulrust.com crazy back then. White into an eternal slumber. my mouth a little. The two live hap- bad example for our local teens, letting bad taste, and I predict that this movie The film starts out with a mentally Overcome with grief, the dwarfs pily ever after with the dwarfs, living a them think that it’s perfectly normal will never last 72 years and will never unstable queen with intense jealousy decide to showcase Snow White’s body long, incestuous life. to set out into the woods and live with become a Disney classic that will for- issues over her floozy of a stepdaughter, in a glass coffin above ground, and sev- What makes this movie disgusting seven small men. ever be enjoyed by children around the Snow White. The jealous Queen sends eral seasons later, a prince stops by to is not only the fact that the film uses In 1937, Disney’s wife Lillian world. It will never be digitally re-mas- out a huntsman to take her promiscuous visit the dead girl. The bastard then politically incorrect terms for little peo- stated that “no one’s ever gonna pay tered and sold as a special edition box stepdaughter into the woods and mur- decides to take advantage of the corpse ple, but how Snow White is suppos- a dime to see a dwarf picture.” The set for $9.99 at Best Buy. It will never der her. However, the huntsman has a and the warmth of his saliva awakes edly only 14 years old. This not only woman couldn’t be any more right. happen. I give this movie six pearl “change of heart” and decides to spare Snow White, making me throw up in makes the film illegal, but also sets a The movie is revolting, filthy and in necklaces out of five.

NAITSA thinks you’r hot, you should go foer this if you’r e single.

Seriously good gift! (No, really!) Thursday, December 10, 2009 ENTERTAINMENT The Nugget 9 City hobo drums up deal

By ryan flaherty emerged from the club and made a beeline over to the spot “He liked my drumming so much, he asked me to produce A local homeless man has been given a helping hand from Richardson was drumming. his next album. Drew up a contract and everything. Even gave a most unlikely place. Bartholomew Richardson, known within “I was gettin a lap dance from dis ho inside, but I couldn’t me one of his gold chains as a signing bonus. I pawned it for his inner circle as “Leaky,” was recently offered the opportu- get no wood because the music they was playing was wack,” smokes,” Richardson elaborated. nity of a lifetime by a rap superstar. The circumstances sur- Mathers said. The duo will be working on the as-yet untitled project in rounding the deal are miraculous, to say the least. “If the music ain’t good, the lap dance ain’t shit. I remem- the New Year. Richardson is excited, but hopes the process will Richardson’s primary source of income, other than col- bered hearing some dope drummin’ when I was comin’ inside, not be too time-consuming. lecting empty bottles, cans and startling old ladies into so I went out and axed dis dude if he would come in wit me “I have to be back in town in time for the Edmonton Folk dropping their parking meter change, is busking. His instru- and drop some of his street bum beats while I got dis chick to Festival,” he said. ment of choice? Two large plastic buckets and a couple of grind up on my junk.” “I make more money drumming during that festival than at sticks. Richardson often spends upwards of eight hours a The rest, as they say, is history. Richardson accompanied any other time in the year. People don’t avoid me as much as day pounding out jungle rhythms on his homemade drum Mathers inside the club and played his drums while the rapper usual. set. This past Monday, he set up shop at his usual spot in groped his share of tail. After treating the transient to his very “I think it’s because a lot of the people that go to the festi- front of Diamonds and began plying his trade. It was then own lap dance, Mathers extended the offer of a lifetime. val are dressed like me, so they think I’m one of them.” that fortune stepped in. “This man walked by on his way into the strip club,” Richardson explained. “He was a funny-looking guy. Real pasty and wearing real baggy clothes. He had a bunch of huge gold chains. Man, imagine how much you could get if you pawned one of those babies! Anyway, he went inside and I basically forgot about him.” Unbeknownst to Leaky, the pasty man was none other than Marshall Mathers, also known as multi-platinum recording artist Eminem. Leaky carried on banging out his relentless hobo beat completely oblivious to the fact that he had just had a close encounter with a music industry heavyweight. “To be honest with you, the only newspaper I ever see is what I use for toilet paper, so I don’t generally read them,” Richardson confessed. “I had no idea he was famous.” A half hour passed by when suddenly Mathers Leaky’s complete drum set

NAITSA thinks you’r hot, you should go foer this if you’r e single. 10 The Nugget NOTE: this FANCIFUL PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! Thursday, December 10, 2009 Sexy Angels to teach at NAIT world. And now you can happily go to sleep know- When asked why they decided to start with NAIT, hopefully this problem will improve. Just imagine ing that every woman out there wants to be you and giggled and said, “We love having these ladies with their mile high legs, perfect every man wants to do you. Canada and we love Canadian beef, yah.” Adri- proportioned bodies and luscious hair lean over as Although these angels are admired from around ana Lima added: “There are more men here and we you’re struggling with your math assignment and the world, (sometimes admired to tears) they have want to give them a reason to go to school every with their mesmerizing eyes and sexy accent say absorbed countless, fierce back- day and we hope that this will “You do not understand, no? Let me help you with lashes from the public since their help them come on time and stop that.” debut in 1999 in the fourth annual missing classes.” Aschik Ramdass from the Petroleum Engineer- Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. The sassy model sends her ing Technology program couldn’t hold his excite- Kathy Le Frustrated and tired of hearing love to all of the students. Sorry ment when he heard the news. Assistant Entertainment Editor about how the media claims that to the gents who are leaving/ “Well, I’m already in love with . No, it’s not the Hells Angels and it’s definitely they’re nothing but self-absorbed, graduating from their program I’d be speechless.” not the innocent saints with wings either. Believe boobs and a** girls with no other in two weeks, but you’re defi- The eight angels involved in the program are it or not, I’m talking about the Victoria’s Secrets capabilities than to blow kisses, nitely going to miss out. Yes, Miranda Kerr, , , Adri- Angels. wink at the camera, pose in racy I feel your pain. It’s true that ana Lima, Karolina Kurkova, Alessandra Ambro- These sexy, beautiful, immortal-looking lingerie and walk half naked on NAIT’s male to female popu- sio, and . Unfortu- models guys have wet dreams over are taking a a catwalk, the angels initiated lation is quite skewed, leaving nately, these beauties will only be at NAIT for break from the catwalk and will be strutting the The Angels Have Brains proj- many of the females feeling one semester as they are in high demand. It’s hallways of NAIT come January 2010. ect to prove that they’re much uncomfortable walking the hall- going to be short and sweet, but a visit that will

Hundreds of models have already graced the more than just tasty eye candy. fashionfeen.wordpress.com ways. Not that I blame the guys. definitely make January and February go by stage in the Victoria’s Secrets Fashion Show, They’re going to lend a wing to If you only see or talk to other faster. Ladies, I know what you’re thinking ... however, the angels are the brand’s most visible help teach classes in post-second- males all day in your classes, feel free to fill in the blanks with whatever adjec- models and spokeswomen. ary institutions. it’s a nice break to have a girl walk by and I tives and nouns you desire: Victoria’s Secret In other words, if you’ve become a Victoria’s NAIT is their first stop on an extensive list of it’s hard to be discreet when you stare. Angels are ______, ______, Secrets angel, then you’ve made it in the modelling other schools across Canada and the United States. With the angels taking over some of the classes, and ______. fashion Grandma’s sweater and eau-du pine By: Alessandra Bruni the sweater. By throwing one of these lights to hang around your neck. elves. These scents have a wonder- the one colour outfit, homemade gar- Christmas is almost here! It’s freez- sweaters over top of your red getup, Wrap them around your neck two or ful unique Christmas scent to them ments, grandma’s sweaters and pine ing outside and, let me tell you, fashion you won’t believe the attention you’ll three times and make sure you hide and they are sure to land you a hot tree smells. Until the new year, stay has evolved since last Christmas! get from bystanders. They’ll only be the plug-in part under your collar. date for New Year’s Eve. So remem- fashionable, keep warm and remem- This season it’s all about the red wishing they looked as good as you. For a headband, those pine trees ber everyone, this year it’s all about ber I’m watching ... suits, reindeer ears and eau-du-pine If your looking to stay warm this in the back yard will work magic. tree. If you’re planning on staying winter, try pulling out those bright Just cut a few branches and intertwine stylish this winter, it’s all about the green turtle necks and pairing them them. Add a few lights and sparkles colour red. Red pants look especially with a nice big burly pair of Sorel and you have a wonderful headband classy with a red shirt and red shoes. winter boots. Not only are these boots that everyone will be super jealous of. You can embody Santa Claus, durable, but they’re also big, grippy If Santa can be all the rage at while still look fantabulous! If you and so heavy. They come in white, Christmas time, so can you with really want to be a part of the fash- black and if you’re feeling really your fashionable new tips. If you’re ion world this Christmas, grandma’s frisky, try the white pair with missing any of these items, don’t go sweaters are all the rage, especially and green swirls. These boots are the buy them, try making them. If you the ones with those cute cuddly look- hottest thing on the block this winter, don’t know how to sew, who cares! ing reindeers and Christmas lights so don’t cheap out and get a pair! This year it’s all about the rugged sewed on with yarn from the 1840s. For jewelry this holiday season, look. If you have holes or crooked The bigger the buttons, the better get yourself some small Christmas seams, that’s perfect! Last but not l e a s t , m a k e sure you smell wonderful this Christmas. Dior PB & J is launching its By Kathy Le new line, eau-du- Cheese Cake The Magic: pine trees, and It’s the holiday season and your 1. Get yourself to The Cheese Cake is launch- friends are getting ready to celebrate Café (located on the west side of the ing its Christmas flickr.com/photos/mende another traditional potluck Christmas city). scent, eau-du- Sorels dinner and you want to blow them all 2. Decide and pick the cheese cake away with a tasty cheese cake. Your you like. memory goes back to the time when 3. Pay the person at the till for the you indulged in a decadent, rich and goods (you don’t want to get arrested luscious cheesecake at The Cheese for petty theft). Cake Café and you would give any- 4. Get your self back home. thing to be able to re-create something 5. Display the cheesecake on a fancy so delicious. Don’t worry, I have just platter so it looks like you slaved away the recipe for you and I can guarantee it all day in the kitchen. will taste exactly like it came from the 6. Discard the box (don’t leave evi- restaurant. dence around). The Stuff: Money *This method can be used with any Method of transportation kind of food ☺ Merry Christmas and Fancy platter Have a Happy New Year! Thursday, December 10, 2009 NOTE: this fanciful PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! The Nugget 11 12 The Nugget NOTE: this FANCIFUL PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! Thursday, December 10, 2009 Spice Night at the Nest breast reduction, she can now fit into her costumes properly and the risk of a ward- robe malfunction can be ruled out. Thank goodness her baseball-looking breasts were taken care of as the costumes were itty bitty, teeny tiny. Let’s not forget that these ladies are not the 20-somethings they were a decade ago, so you have to have sympathy for them if they don’t look as tight Kathy Le as they used to. Assistant Entertainment Editor This wasn’t the case, as each of the girls What was spicier than the $4 hot wing looked even better. Goodness, some of them special at The Nest last Thursday during even had children, but you can’t even see Indie Night? the stretch marks on their exposed midriffs. Five other pieces of meat with spices Then again, they all should look spectacu- of their own; the Spice Girls! Scary, Posh, lar as each probably paid a small fortune for Baby, Ginger and Sporty took the stage by these bodies. The important thing was the storm and crooned their most popular sin- way they performed and I have to admit it gles for a good three hours. Security was was jolly. tight and the crowd was mayhem as the lines They sang hits like “Wannabe,” “Two went out both doors and wrapped around the Become One,” “Say You’ll Be There,” building. “Spice Up Your Life,” “Viva Forever, “and Back in 2007 the Spice Girls started their “Stop.” When they performed “Stop,” even comeback tour, but it was cut short for many the men in the crowd started doing the reasons. moves. Two years later, while out on a play date “OMG, I absolutely love the Spice Girls. with their children and sipping tea, they I have all of their CDs. I was so excited unanimously agreed that they all missed when I heard they were coming to NAIT. performing and wanted to make one more Please don’t tell my girlfriend!” said Jon, a appearance on stage before they put the welding student. Photo illustration by Raymond Ip group to rest for good. The main deciding Another gentleman from the Construc- The Spice Girls tear it up at the Nest. factor was Posh Spice’s breasts. Since her tion Program ran on stage and started to cry when the ladies sang “Two Become of them to show up at The Nest (then again One.” maybe no one else wanted them). Their Although time has passed, and the Spice songs still bring back great memories and at Jacko’s back! Girls are completely outdated, it was nice least three out of the five can sing. By taylor pollmann “It’s not every day you get to moon in front of In the most shocking development since M.J.” Elton John came out of the closet, there is a first The question that is still on everyone’s mind hand account that Michael Jackson is actually is: Why did he fake his death? alive and well. “I was getting tired of fulfilling my duties Apparently, he faked his own death. Parents as a performer, and I wanted to achieve my real of a local day care in Millwoods were shocked passion in life, teaching.” to find M.J. reading stories to the kids. It’s safe to say that Michael would make an “It was a beautiful moment. He is like a excellent teacher. Elementary principal, John shepherd for kids; they just seem to gather Kelly, commented: “I’m sure he would put in around him and follow him wherever he goes,” the extra time and effort with all the kids and stated Mrs. Bellingwood, a mother of two. that is hard to find in teachers these days.” Everyone knows the book Little Red Riding Throughout my day with Jackson at the day Hood, but do they know it as well as the King care, I could clearly see that Michael was in his of Pop? happy zone. The press that never gave him any “It’s just the perfect story to tell the kids. It privacy no longer bothered him. He was with tells them to be safe, and only go to the homes his true fans; the youth of the country. On a side of people they know. I can relate to this story in note, Michael has set up a trust fund for unfor- my life 100 per cent,” M.J. confided. tunate kids throughout the holiday season. It was difficult not to be touched by If you wish to donate go to www.beat it.ca. Michael’s wonderful story telling abilities. I “It’s the perfect opportunity to give back to felt a little tear cross my eye when he finished the people who have given so much to me,” telling the story, but it quickly evaporated when Michael said. Jackson is truly the man who Jackson taught the kids how to moon walk. not only changes his appearance but his soul as Tiny Tim, one of the lucky toddlers, boasted, well. Thursday, December 10, 2009 NOTE: this fanciful PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! The Nugget 13 Your horoscope

stranger steals your heart away. Literally. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Human organs are worth a ton on the black Take a trip down memory lane this A picture says a thousand words. So market, after all. week. It’ll help you kill time while you await stop talking so much and make faces trial for manslaughter. instead. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Set aside some time this week to Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) MADAME O develop a list of life goals. This time, try Ever wondered what the inside of a You always swore that you would some that don’t involve public intoxication septic tank looks like? You won’t have to never have kids, but now, looking back December 10-16 and/or indecent exposure. for much longer. on it, you realize that they actually don’t (Warning: These Nug- taste that bad. get horoscopes are not writ- Gemini (May 21-June 20) Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Rene Descartes said, “I think, there- Get in touch with your naughty side with Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) ten by an accredited astrologer; fore I am”. In other words, you don’t exist. a trip to your local sex shop. Just make Ask again later. Can’t you see I’m however, believe them if you In fact, you’re not even reading this. sure the rest of the nuns don’t see where busy? like, as they are absolute and you’re going. unquestionable.) Cancer (June 21-July 22) Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) You better not pout, you better not cry. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Make sure you thank the people in Aries (March 21-April 19) You better not shout, I’m telling you why. You will become convinced that Satan is your life who helped you get to where A tropical vacation will give you more Because it’s unbecoming of a lady, that’s speaking to you through the lyrics to Gwen you are. They own your ass, and don’t than you bargained for when a handsome why. Now zip it. Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl,” played in reverse. you forget it.

TIP OF THE WEEK – from NAIT security services Holiday safety The holiday season is upon us once ● Park in well-lit, well utilized areas you at all times. Do not leave them unat- before leaving your locker at school or including descriptions and serial num- again. This season is meant to be joyous near a store entrance when possible. tended on a food court table or on the at the gym. bers. Include pictures or video if possi- and filled with love for fellow human ● Don’t leave valuables, such as vanity in public washrooms. AT HOME ble. One copy needs to be kept with a beings. Many criminals, however, find Christmas presents, in full view. Store ● When shopping use the buddy ● Lock your doors / windows when- friend or in a safety deposit box at the this time of the year as a wonderful them in the trunk or under the seat. system and be aware of your surround- ever you leave your room or residence. bank and should be updated regularly. opportunity to further their careers. Oth- ● Affix your parking permit to your ings. Watch for suspicious activities Keep valuables away from direct exte- The management and staff of Cam- ers, driven to disparateness by economic window. such as someone paying uncustomary rior observation whenever possible. pus Security Services wishes to extend conditions, feel that stealing from others ● Consider investing in a car alarm attention to the contents of purses, wal- ● If you live in an apartment, do a very happy and safe Holiday Season is their only option. To protect yourself, or a locking device such as The Club. lets and shopping bags of shoppers. not allow unescorted strangers inside. to everyone. Please visit www.nait.ca/ and your possessions, from theft, follow ● When at NAIT use the Safe Walk ● If you suspect someone is follow- Report strangers who appear to be loiter- security for more tips. these few simple rules: Program to escort you to and from your ing you, or is otherwise acting suspi- ing to a building caretaker or to police. If you have information regarding IN AND AROUND VEHICLES: vehicle. cious, contact Campus Security Services ● Be suspicious of unknown persons a crime, contact Campus Security ● Lock your vehicle every time you ● Always check the back seat of at 780-471-7477 and tell Security what loitering in the area of your residence. Services at 780-471-7477. If you leave it. our vehicle, as well as the area around you have encountered. Criminals do not want attention and wish to remain anonymous, contact ● Never leave it empty and running, you, before entering your vehicle. If you ● Be extra alert when being jostled will usually try to keep their faces hid- Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS not even for a few seconds. see anything suspicious get help imme- or pushed or if there is a loud alterca- den and give vague answers when ques- (8477). Your identity will remain ● Don’t leave your windows rolled diately or begin screaming. Criminals tion taking place nearby. This is often tioned. Report any of these incidents to anonymous, and if the information down, not even a crack. wish to remain anonymous. a diversion to attract people’s attention building caretakers or the police. you provide leads to a conviction, ● Don’t leave vital information IN SCHOOL OR SHOPPING: allowing associate members to pick- ● Never leave an exterior door you could eligible for a reward of in your vehicle. Your home address is ● Do not carry large amounts of pocket unwary shoppers. propped open. This is like inviting a fox up to $2,000. listed on the vehicle registration certifi- cash with you. ● Invest in a high quality shielded into the chicken coup. Everybody benefits, except the cate as well as the insurance card. ● Keep all of your valuables with lock and be sure it is securely fastened ● Keep records of your valuables criminal. SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXDr. SEX SEXCONwisDOM SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX Dr. Conwisdom, ●●● feet are disgusting. If you ever tried to touch my and, lo and behold, guess who was standing there? I think I’ve recently developed hemorrhoids. Hello Conwisdom, “disco stick” with your feet, we would definitely Every time I see him at the gym or at school I get The problem is I’m meeting my girlfriend later this My boyfriend and I have been together for have a problem, a serious problem. Bottom line; all creeped out. HELP ME!! week and she likes to put things in my ass. Hey, roughly three years. Everything has been great, keep your feet to yourself. – Voyeur generally I don’t complain, but something tells me well, most things, at least. You see, I have a serious ●●● she might be a little disgusted. What should I do? foot fetish, but the fetish is with my own feet. I like Hi Conwisdom, Hey Voyeur, Is it still safe to play downstairs when the basement when I can use them to pleasure my boyfriend in I need some serious help. The other day I was You do find yourself in a pickle, don’t you? My isn’t clean? ways I will keep to myself. Unfortunately, he hates at the gym and I saw another student there. No opinion, who cares? People go to the gym to look – Basement Dweller feet and refuses to let me touch his … disco stick big deal, right? Wrong! After my workout I pro- great, so if he caught you looking, a part of him with them. How can I keep him happy, while keep- ceeded to the change rooms, where I started to probably liked it. Next time, find a locker by him Hey Basement Dweller, ing myself happy? strip down and get ready to change. Being a little and drop your towel, see if you can find a reaction. It sounds to me that you do have quite the prob- – Feisty Feet “open-minded” my eyes tend to wander. How can I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the result. lem. Chances are if you’ve had them once they you blame me, have you seen the bodies in there!?! ●●● are going to return at some point, so tell your girl- Thanks for the e-mail, Feisty Feet, As I’m looking around I see a fine speci-man of Do you have any personal questions you want friend to get used to them. But let’s be honest with I have to say I’ve heard of foot fetishes before, a human. My eyes started to wander up his legs, to have answered? Just send an e-mail with each other for a second, Dweller, if you have hem- but involving your own feet, that’s a little bizarre. across his torso and eventually met his eyes. Shit, your concerns to [email protected] and orrhoids, the only thing you should bet putting in Don’t fret, I’ve heard of more extreme things. I’m I was caught. Did I mention he was pretty much your sex doctor will have your “prescription” your ass is a suppository … Tucks anyone? not going to lie to you, I agree with your boyfriend naked? The next day I was in the Common Market, ready for you the following week! 14 The Nugget NOTE: this FANCIFUL PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! Thursday, December 10, 2009 SINGLE OF Student THE WEEK OPPORTUNITIES NAITSA (NAIT Students’ Association) is now accepting applications for the following:

NAITSA VOLUNTEERS For every hour volunteered, enter to win a ticket for NAITSA’s New Year’s Ski Trip! Also, get in the running to win an award at the NAITSA Gala! E-mail for details or join our Facebook group NAITSA Volunteers, for all the inside and up to date info on opportunities as well as a networking environment for your volunteer needs! International Team Leader There are possible opportunities for students to take part in a leadership role and help develop small villages around the world! Coaching Opportunity Westlawn Junior High School is looking for volunteer coaches for some of its sports programs. For more information on volunteer opportunities at NAITSA, please e-mail [email protected] Big Brothers Big Sisters Kids with great mentors are more likely to at- tend schools like NAIT immediately after gradu- ating from high school. Volunteer today through one of the flexible mentorship programs with Big Brothers Big Sisters. You don’t have to change your life to change theirs. Call 780-424-8181 or apply online at www.bbbsedmonton.org.

Santa Claus What three words describe you the best? – All. Night. Long. What would you do on your perfect date? – Let’s just say there’s lots of milk and cookies. Oh, and plenty of camel … mistletoe! What’s your best feature? – My weight and my magical sac. What’s your craziest sex story? – I don’t have very many. You know I only come once a year. What do you want to say to the women at NAIT? – Just imagine how good I am because I only come once a year. I make sure that no one is disappointed at Christmas. Contact this hottie at the North Pole Are you hot and single? E-mail us at [email protected] Thursday, December 10, 2009 The Nugget 15 CLUBS CORNER Showcase success Did you notice what was happening in the South has been strong in the last five showcases. They have Lobby last week? If you wondered what the hype was finished first place four times and took one third place. all about, it was the Club Showcase No. 2 Another club coming on strong and vying to be the Some of the registered clubs on campus officially next showcase dynasty is DeFeYe Arts. DeFeYe Arts pu themselves out there for you to notice them. Show- dethroned Club 5-Star once last year and continue cases are times when you can find out what groups are to look for another opportunity. Did I say, “A little on campus and how to get involved to have some fun. competitive?” There is also a bit of a competition going on as well Next Club Showcase is Feb. 3, 2010. because some of the clubs are also vying for the Club Club Showcase No. 2 Showcase Award Trophy. (We like to call it the “Grey First Place...... Club 5-Star Cup” of Showcasing) Second...... DeFeYe Arts Many clubs are taking note that there is a power Third...... Gamerz house, a sort of a dynasty-like team, Club 5-Star, that Fourth...... Kokoro Karate Fifth...... Aboriginal Student Club Sixth...... Chinese Student Association Seventh...... Christian Club GIVER Standings Top 10 as of Dec. 3 1)...... Club 5-Star (868 pts) 2)...... NAIT Photo (774 pts) 3)...... CETSC (418 pts) 4)...... Baking Club (409 pts) 5)...... SIFE (331 pts) 6)...... International Club (314 pts) 7)...... Biological Sciences (311 pts) 8)...... EETS (304.5 pts) 9)...... Business Connex (302 pts) 10)...... DeFeYe Arts (268 pts) Upcoming events ... Christian Club What: New additional meeting time (for those who cannot make Thursday noon) When: Wednesdays starting Nov. 25 from 5:15 p.m. to 6 p.m. Where: NAIT main campus, Room E-115 CCR (Caption and Court Reporting) What: Pub Night When: Dec. 18, Starts at 8 p.m. Where: Hudsons on Campus CCR hosts a real good time with real time ladies at Hudsons on Campus. Come relieve some exam week stress and get paid to party. Between 8-10 p.m. and receive $5 from Hudsons toward your first drink. Tick- ets available at NAITSA office for $5 until Dec.17. NAIT Gamerz What: Super Smash Brothers Brawl Tournament When: December 19-20, 11 a.m.-11:30 p.m. Where: Room E-117 KVA What: Pub Night When: Dec. 22, Starts 9 p.m. Where: Ezzie’s Night Club 16 The Nugget NOTE: this FANCIFUL PAPER IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT ONLY! Thursday, December 10, 2009 What do you think of Snow White living with Colleen Nuc and Brittany Black seven men?

“She can keep them. I don’t “I don’t know about Snow “Why do need seven men “I’d love to be with seven “Seven men would be unreal. have the parts to be with a White, but my magic carpet when I have a perfect glass men. Sleeping with a beast is I have one and he can’t keep man.” matches the drapes.” toy to play with?” disgusting.” me awake.” Ariel Jasmine Cinderella Belle Sleeping Beauty

NAITSA thinks you’r hot, you should go foer this if you’r e single.

Seriously good gift! (No, really!)