by William J. Doherty

DVERTISERS KNOW A CULTURAL TREND WHEN THEY SEE ONE. A recent magazine ad pictures a new Honda Civic with the headline, “The sad thing is, it’ll probably be the HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP of your adult life.” Honda explains: “You’ve tried the person- als, blind dates, even one of those online chat rooms. Why? The Civic Sedan is smart, fun, reliable and good-looking. Not to mention, it’s ready to commit, today.” Then, lest the reader feel suddenly commitment-shy, the ad ends in the wink of a headlight: “Looking for a good time?”1

1 6 M a r r i age & Fa m i l i e s Apparently we must seek “healthy able ,” which “get re-evaluated editorialized that this show, and the adult relationships” with cars because, as every five to seven years, after which they cautions the producers took (such as an ad for Levi’s jeans has recognized, can be revised, recelebrated, or dissolved prenuptial agreements and venereal can’t be counted on anymore. In a lavish six-page spread we see happy dating couples, with he message is that we can captions announcing how long they were together before breaking up. only count on what we buy, The final page shows two female Tnot... the people to whom we roommates, one consoling the other about a recent breakup. Just behind commit ourselves. the two roommates, on the kitchen wall, is an art poster with the Spanish words, Mis padres se divorcian: with no, or at least fewer, hard feelings.”2 disease checkups), represented “the “My parents are divorced.” The caption What we used to think of as our first dominant view of marriage in today’s underneath delivers the ad’s take-home love–our first intense dating relationship America: less a partnership than a joint message: “At least some things last when we were immature and not ready venture between two parties concerned forever–Levi’s: they go on.” for a commitment–has now become our with preserving their own autonomy.”3 The message is that we can only count first marriage. And what we used to At the level of individual justifications on what we buy, not on what we share think of as a contract with a bank–or for ending a marriage, I have also seen a or the people to whom we commit a five-year renewable mortgage–has shift over twenty-three years of practice ourselves. And the only role that endures become the metaphor for our marriages. as a marriage and family therapist. I is that of consumer. Companies that want Listen also for our contemporary don’t mean to say that most people are our business will do whatever it takes to humor about marriage. A joke I heard not experiencing real emotional pain at meet our needs, unlike our spouses, who when I visited the Boston area goes this the time they decide to end their mar- sometimes put their own needs, or the way: “When choosing a husband, ask riages. It’s just that the reasons they give children’s needs, before ours. Levi’s will yourself if this is the man you want your are far different from the hard, nasty be there for us, even if our parents children to visit every other weekend.” A problems that propelled spouses in previ- and our lovers leave us. How character in a recent movie says that men ous generations to divorce: abuse, aban- comforting. should be like toilet paper: soft, strong, donment, chronic alcoholism, infidelity. Listen to other forms of contemporary and disposable. Now people are more likely to give discourse about marriage. A New York Beyond listening to contemporary reasons that come down to being disap- Times journalist reported hearing a guest discourse, just look at contemporary pointed in what they are getting from at a reception, presumably a behavior. In August 1999, a Philadelphia the marriage. Here are contemporary relative of the groom, say about the couple who desired a more expensive reasons for divorce that I hear in my bride: “She will make a nice first wife for wedding than they could afford got therapy practice and in my personal life: Jason.” One national expert endorses twenty-four companies to sponsor the The relationship wasn’t working for me what she terms “starter marriages” for wedding in exchange for having their anymore. marriages that are good learning experi- names appear six times on everything We just can’t communicate. ences but not likely to endure. Does this from the invitations to the thank-you Our needs were just too different. make you think of a “starter house” that notes. And look at the blockbuster I wasn’t happy. you didn’t plan to live in for long? One ratings in February 2000 for the televi- We just grew apart. California futurologist uses the term sion show “Who Wants to Marry a I grew and he didn’t. “ice-breaker” marriage to mean the same Multi-Millionaire,” in which fifty women She has changed too much. thing. Feminist social critic Barbara competed for selection by a rich man, I deserve more of a companion that she is Ehrenreich, in a recent Time magazine followed by an immediate wedding on willing to be. piece on predicting the future of male- national television. Even the Wall Street We are not the same people we were female relationships, supported “renew- Journal, no enemy of the marketplace, when we got married.

M a r r i age & Fa m i l i e s 1 7 After the children left home, there was people who are considering ending their personal desires. But in the late nothing left. marriages for what I could term “soft” twentieth century, advertisers began to The relationship became stale. reasons are genuinely distressed and in emphasize desire for desire’s sake. An My husband was a nice guy, but boring. pain. In the past, this was all I needed to example is Nike’s slogan: “Just do it!” Or We had no real intimacy. support a spouse’s decision to end a non- Sprite’s: “Obey your thirst.” A Toyota ad I used to take many of these as valid abusive marriage that had once made campaign has a voiceover saying to a reasons to end a marriage. If the marriage both people happy but was now a source father, “Your kids always get what they is not meeting your needs, especially if of pain and disappointment. What I now want; now it’s your turn.” Consumer you have tried hard to change it, then it see more clearly is that this pain and culture has always been one of self- is reasonable to leave. In the last decade, distress often come after years of gratification, but the entitlement dimen- however, I have developed doubts after dwelling on what one is not getting from sion is more prominent now. seeing the ongoing ravages of divorce the marriage, of complaining about the Lest I seem to be against markets and for both adults and children, and after spouse’s failings, of listening to the consumption, let me reassure you. There seeing people end their second or third spouse defend and criticize back, of com- is no viable alternative to free-market marriages for the same reasons. And as paring one’s marriage to other fantasy democratic systems, no feasible way to my own marriage has endured for more relationships, and of gradually becoming eliminate advertising without wreaking than twenty-eight years now, I have more distant and resentful. A sense of havoc on the economy, throwing millions come to value this kind of permanent entitlement to a high-quality marriage of people out of work, and creating bond more than when I was younger. In leads to a focus on what is wrong with unworkable government bureaucracies. my writings for therapists, I began to the other person, which leads to more Consumer spending is the primary criticize the bias towards individual things going wrong, and eventually to fuel of a free-market economy, and satisfaction as against family responsibil- misery, which justifies leaving. consumer spending relies on advertising ities and obligations. to potential customers. Mass advertising Gradually I began to listen differently THE EVOLUTION OF THE is the only way that new businesses and to people’s justifications for ending their CONSUMER CULTURE OF MARRIAGE new products can get the attention of marriages. I came to hear them like Let me put Consumer Marriage in a consumers. Advertising needs to be customer complaints, like someone bigger context. Around 1880, the mass regulated for fairness, and should explaining why they want to trade in a manufacture of consumer goods brought probably be banned for children, but car for a new model, sell a house, or get mass advertising and a new era in Ameri- it is here to stay, as is the consumer rid of an old coat. Again, I recognize can history. The era of the consumer was orientation it supports. that people can become genuinely born. Advertisers realized that the key to distressed about personal dissatisfactions successful marketing was convincing in their marriage. But these new reasons potential customers that they couldn’t do often come down to saying that my without the product. Sometimes this psychological needs are not getting met meant defining new problems, such as in my marital lifestyle or that my spouse bad breath and hairy legs, that new is not meeting my needs. products would fix. If a company’s As I began brooding more about this product was indistinguishable in quality phenomenon of consumer culture and from another’s–say, with gasoline, soft marriage, I saw a video of a couple drinks, or cigarettes–then advertisers reciting new marriage vows that are learned to sell an image, a sense of becoming popular around the country. belonging, of having made it, of being The promise now is to be together “as with it. We came to define ourselves by long as we both shall love.” Translation: what we bought, and exposure to an as long as we feel happily in love. Can estimated three thousand ads per day you imagine a more fragile basis for a helps us to decide who we are. life-long commitment? Consumer culture has always been Again, I want to stress that most based on individuals pursuing their

1 8 M a r r i age & Fa m i l i e s book, Passages, by Gail Sheehy: “Though loved ones move in and out of our lives, the capacity to love remains.” 5 You see, it is your ability to love, not the people you love, that counts as a permanent asset in the consumer culture of relationships. What happens when we approach marriage and family life as entrepre- neurs? When the initial glow fades and the tough times come, we are prepared to cut our losses, to take what we want from our old marriages in order to forge new, more perfect unions until they also must be dissolved. Where does it end? Even worse than the results of business layoffs, there are few soft landings after marital My concern is less with consumer you? We are less loyal to particular downsizing. culture in the marketplace, but with how religious denominations, churches, and How did we get there? Until the it has invaded the family. Consumer other faith communities; we shop for the twentieth century, marriage all over the culture teaches us that we never have best religious experience. world could be called “Institutional enough of anything we want, that the Is it surprising that in this new Marriage.” It was based on economic new is always better than the old–unless consumer world, we are less loyal to our security, raising children, and men as the something old becomes trendy again. It spouses, to our marriages? And when a head of the household representing the teaches us not be loyal to anything or marriage breaks up, is it surprising that couple in the world. Families were large anyone that does not continue to meet one of the parents, often the father, exits and expectations for emotional intimacy our needs at the right price. Customers from the children’s lives to create a new between the spouses were low. Husband are inherently disloyal. I want to support life and a new family? and wife roles were separate. Divorce American workers, but have always bought Japanese cars because I onsumer culture teaches us that we never see them as superior to have enough of anything we want, that the American cars for the new is always better than the old...[and] not price. I eat Cheerios for C breakfast every day, but to be loyal to anything or anyone that does not if the price gets too continue to meet our needs at the right price. much higher than Special K, my second choice, I will abandon Cheerios. Or if The sociologist Arlie Hochschild was rare, and couples expected to stay they change the recipe, I might jump observed that in the new American together unless someone did quite awful ship. I owe nothing to those who sell to lifestyle, rootlessness occurs on a global things. The key value in the Institutional me except my money, which I can stop scale. “We move not only from one job to Marriage was responsibility. Marriage giving at any time. another, but from one spouse–and existed for the welfare of children and We Americans are also less loyal to our sometimes one set of children–to the families, not primarily for the personal neighborhoods and communities than in next. We are changing from a society happiness of the spouses. the past; we move where there are jobs that values employment and marriage The social changes of the twentieth and where we can afford to live. Who to one that values employability and century in the United States and other asks nowadays whether you should not marriageability.”4 This reminds me of a Western nations brought on the “Psycho- move because the neighborhood needs line from the huge 1970s best-selling logical Marriage.”6 Here the emphasis

M a r r i age & Fa m i l i e s 1 9 was on the emotional satisfactions of economies all over the world, the In some circumstances, we manage to marriage relationships based on friend- consumer culture captured the hearts– convince ourselves that we need only ship, intimacy, sexual satisfaction, and and marriages–of Americans in new provide money to keep the relationship gender equality. For the first time in ways. Psychological Marriage mutated intact, as when a noncustodial parent history, families existed for individuals into Consumer Marriage, marriage with considers the payment of child support rather than vice versa. The key value of high psychological expectations but now his only parental obligation. And when the Psychological Marriage was personal spiced with a sense of entitlement and the price gets too high or the relation- satisfaction. Commitment in mar- riage was a “given,” as seen by the low divorce rates at the high-water hen it comes to marriage, mark of the Psychological Marriage good consumers choose during the post-World War II era. The social revolutions of the Wtheir mates carefully 1960s and 1970s changed the face of rather than impulsively. marriage again by bringing in a powerful form of me-first individu- alism combined with a call for far more impermanence. The chief value of the ship supplies little or nothing in return, gender equality than the Psychological Consumer Marriage is making sure that even money may be withdrawn in favor Family had delivered. Expectations for one’s needs are being met and that one’s of another “product.” The parent owes marital closeness and happiness skyrock- spouse is doing a good job. no loyalty beyond payment, as in the eted along with the divorce rate. For the In practice, most couples embrace a consumer relationship with breakfast first time, the “soft” reasons for getting variety of values for their marriage, cereal or a car. divorced became both acceptable and including the values of responsibility and Has the consumer culture brought common, supported by legal changes to commitment emphasized by the Institu- some good things into contemporary “no-fault” divorce. For the first time in tional Family. But these values are always marriage? Yes. The positive side of being human history, marriages could be ended in danger of being trumped by the a good consumer is the value of advocat- by one of the spouses saying, “It’s not consumer values of personal gain, low ing for oneself in the marketplace. Good working for me anymore.” The era of cost, entitlement, and keeping one’s consumers in the marketplace are well- Consumer Marriage was dawning. options open. In consumer culture, the informed. They insist on high-quality During the go-go economic years of exit door is always available. Commit- goods and service. They are not patsies the 1980s and 1990s, when market ments are always provisional, as long as for misleading advertising or bad deals. economies triumphed over socialist the other person is meeting our needs. They spend their resources wisely. When it comes to marriage, good consumers choose their mates carefully rather than impulsively. They take time to get to know a person before making a commitment. They take premarital education classes. They learn what it takes to make a marriage work. And they expect to be treated lovingly and fairly by their spouses. Although these qualities are part of overall psychological well-being, they are supported by the best elements of a culture that emphasizes consumer rights and consumer information. Fewer women nowadays will stand for abuse from their husbands because it’s their “fate” as

2 0 M a r r i age & Fa m i l i e s wives. They will use consumer ideas such gious sense that marriage is a powerful, to the “we” as well as to the other spouse, as “I deserve better” and “I have a right sacred commitment, and “modern” to to the marriage along with the person. to expect something different.” The suggest that we need a new way to be in The marriage becomes the third party in problem is not that we are constructive committed marriages in the twenty-first their couple relationship. consumers in our marriages. The problem century. This form of marriage is similar This “third party” commitment is arises when that’s all we are. to, but more than, Covenant Marriage especially easy to see if you have children, As a culture, we have no new, coherent legislation passed in and because you realize how much your chil- alternative to Consumer Marriage. The Arizona and proposed in other states. dren rely on your marriage relationship, more stable Institutional Marriage is Every cultural trend, including con- in addition to relying on each of you dead, and most contemporary men and sumer culture, has something to teach us. individually. Kids whose parents divorce women do not want to bring it back. The As I suggested before, Modern Covenant may still have two parents to depend on, price in personal freedom and equality for Marriage is like Consumer Marriage in but not a marriage. It is a huge loss. women is too high. We will not turn the one important way. It embraces the Modern Covenant Marriage requires clock back to a pre-individualistic era; importance of spouses advocating their the habits of the heart and mind to rather, we must learn to tame individual- needs and rights in the relationship. It cultivate a lifelong relationship that is ism. The Psychological Marriage, which stresses that people should not sit still loving and fair to both partners, where assumed commitment but did not work while being taken advantage of by their the well-being of your spouse and your on building it, was not sturdy enough to spouses. It promotes self-advocacy in marriage is as important as your own withstand the me-first consumer world. marriage for both men and women. well-being, where the soft reasons for It’s not that most people go into marriage But Modern Covenant Marriage goes divorce are off the table, and where with a full-blown consumer attitude; beyond Consumer Marriage in most efforts for continued improvement of the indeed, most believe that they are fully other ways. Covenant marriage involves marriage are tempered with acceptance of committed for life. The consumer model a commitment not only to the other human limitations. kicks in when problems arise and person but also to the marriage itself. In I think that most of us dearly want gridlock occurs, as they do in almost the consumer economics model, I am what I am calling a Modern Covenant every marriage. That’s when we begin to committed to a product or service as long Marriage, but don’t know how to achieve ask if what we are getting from the as it meets my needs, but I am not it or hold onto it. It is not enough to marriage is worth the price of dealing committed to the relationship I have start with a loving commitment, or even with its problems, whether the costs with the company that makes it. I eat with a religiously grounded commit- outweigh the benefits of being with this Cheerios, but I am not committed to ment. Most occur to people who person. General Mills. In a covenant marriage, start with heartfelt commitment, backed the spouses have an abiding commitment by religious convictions. The battlefields TOWARDS A NEW CULTURAL IDEAL OF MARRIAGE We need a new ideal of marriage that re-emphasizes the commitment and responsibility of the Institutional Marriage while embracing emotional satisfaction elements of the Psychological Marriage and the self-advocacy elements of the Consumer Marriage. We need an ideal of marriage that fosters commit- ment and individual well-being, both permanence and equality between men and women. An ideal that accepts divorce but sees it as the tragic exception and not the norm. I call this Modern Covenant Marriage–”covenant” to connote the reli-

M a r r i age & Fa m i l i e s 2 1 of divorce are strewn with the carcasses of marrying or already married, the option us–no technological or medical break- couples who started out with love, of a legal marriage arrangement that throughs–will offset the debilitating commitment, and good intentions. As requires premarital education, marriage losses that failed marriages will inflict on stresses and dissatisfactions mount, and counseling in times of trouble, and a our children and their world. We have to they inevitably do, the seductive forces two-year separation period before a name the problem of consumer marriage of consumer culture are too strong to divorce can be decreed, unless there is before we can fight it. And we have to resist without an alternative model abuse, adultery, abandonment, or a felony unleash the human capacity for sustained of marriage. I am offering Modern conviction. Covenant Marriage initiatives moral commitment from the tentacles of Covenant Marriage as an alternative. are an intervention aimed at creating marketplace that is slowly choking it, Skills are needed to maintain a a new cultural conversation about mar- generation by generation. The stakes Modern Covenant. Modern Covenant riage commitment.7 could not be higher. Marriage puts high demands for self- Second, I propose that we form state awareness, empathetic understanding, and national associations of couples in William J. Doherty is a professor of family and negotiation skills. Researchers have covenant marriages, in order to provide social science and Director of the Marriage found that the ability to deal construc- mutual support and affirmation for one and Family Therapy Program at the Univer- sity of Minnesota. Among his books are Take Back covenantal commitment is needed, Your Kids: Confident but with a modern sensibility Parenting in Turbulent that recognizes the dignity and Times (Sorin Books, worth of both spouses along 2000) and The Inten- A tional Family: How to with the abiding importance of the bond Build Family Ties in they have created. Our Modern World (Avon Books, 1999). This article is adapted from a tively with conflict is a key factor in another and to be a public force for longer talk presented at the conference on long-term successful marriage. But skills promoting the ideal of Modern Covenant Revitalizing the Institution of Marriage are not enough, as evidenced by the fact Marriage. We need a grassroots move- for the 21st Century at Brigham Young that male therapists, who presumably ment of couples, not led by professionals, University, March 2000. have good communication skills, have to fight Consumer Marriage on behalf of 1. Entertainment Weekly 539 (March 12, 2000) 36- higher-than-average divorce rates. Know- higher ideals. 37. ing what to do to help your marriage, Third, I propose that we engage the 2. Barbara Ehrenreich, “Will Women Still Need although necessary, is not enough to see professionals who practice psychotherapy Men?” Time (February 21, 2000) 62-64, 63. you through the hardest of times. A and marriage therapy in a discussion of 3. J. Flint, “Fox Network Pops the Question, Mil- lions of Viewers Say Yes.” The Wall Street Journal covenantal commitment is needed, but Consumer Marriage and Modern (February 17, 2000) B13 with a modern sensibility that recognizes Covenant Marriage.8 Towards this end, 4. Arlie R. Hochschild, “How has ‘the organization the dignity and worth of both spouses I have drafted a values statement for man’ aged: A need to belong.” The New York Times along with the abiding importance of the therapists who wish to identify them- (January 17, 1999) 17. 5. Gail Sheehy, Passages (New York: Bantam, 1976) bond they have created. selves as pro-commitment in today’s 513. complex world. It can also be used by 6. J. Stacey, Brave New Families (New York: Basic SPECIFIC ACTIONS consumers and referring professionals Books, 1990) I propose several courses of action to seek out pro-commitment therapists. 7. Alan J. Hawkins, “Perspectives on covenant mar- based on the foregoing analysis. The We have to find the way together, as riage.” Marriage, Family & Society Spring/Summer 1999, 14-20; Steven L. Nock, J. D. Wright, and L. most obvious implication of this proposal husbands and wives, as a community. We Sanchez. “America’s divorce problem.” Society 36: is to support Covenant Marriage laws in have to find a new way to be married in a 43-52, 1999. 8. William J. Doherty, “How therapists threaten the United States. Covenant Marriage new century, or else I fear that nothing marriage.” The Responsive Community 7:31-42, 1999. laws generally give couples, newly we do for the generations that follow

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