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Consumer Marriage and Modern Covenant Marriage

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Consumer Marriage and Modern Covenant Marriage by William J. Doherty DVERTISERS KNOW A CULTURAL TREND WHEN THEY SEE ONE. A recent magazine ad pictures a new Honda Civic with the headline, “The sad thing is, it’ll probably be the HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP of your adult life.” Honda explains: “You’ve tried the person- als, blind dates, even one of those online chat rooms. Why? The Civic Sedan is smart, fun, reliable and good-looking. Not to mention, it’s ready to commit, today.” Then, lest the reader feel suddenly commitment-shy, the ad ends in the wink of a headlight: “Looking for a good time?”1 1 6 M a r r i age & Fa m i l i e s Apparently we must seek “healthy able marriages,” which “get re-evaluated editorialized that this show, and the adult relationships” with cars because, as every five to seven years, after which they cautions the producers took (such as an ad for Levi’s jeans has recognized, can be revised, recelebrated, or dissolved prenuptial agreements and venereal marriage can’t be counted on anymore. In a lavish six-page spread we see happy dating couples, with he message is that we can captions announcing how long they were together before breaking up. only count on what we buy, The final page shows two female Tnot... the people to whom we roommates, one consoling the other about a recent breakup. Just behind commit ourselves. the two roommates, on the kitchen wall, is an art poster with the Spanish words, Mis padres se divorcian: with no, or at least fewer, hard feelings.”2 disease checkups), represented “the “My parents are divorced.” The caption What we used to think of as our first dominant view of marriage in today’s underneath delivers the ad’s take-home love–our first intense dating relationship America: less a partnership than a joint message: “At least some things last when we were immature and not ready venture between two parties concerned forever–Levi’s: they go on.” for a commitment–has now become our with preserving their own autonomy.”3 The message is that we can only count first marriage. And what we used to At the level of individual justifications on what we buy, not on what we share think of as a contract with a bank–or for ending a marriage, I have also seen a or the people to whom we commit a five-year renewable mortgage–has shift over twenty-three years of practice ourselves. And the only role that endures become the metaphor for our marriages. as a marriage and family therapist. I is that of consumer. Companies that want Listen also for our contemporary don’t mean to say that most people are our business will do whatever it takes to humor about marriage. A joke I heard not experiencing real emotional pain at meet our needs, unlike our spouses, who when I visited the Boston area goes this the time they decide to end their mar- sometimes put their own needs, or the way: “When choosing a husband, ask riages. It’s just that the reasons they give children’s needs, before ours. Levi’s will yourself if this is the man you want your are far different from the hard, nasty be there for us, even if our parents children to visit every other weekend.” A problems that propelled spouses in previ- divorce and our lovers leave us. How character in a recent movie says that men ous generations to divorce: abuse, aban- comforting. should be like toilet paper: soft, strong, donment, chronic alcoholism, infidelity. Listen to other forms of contemporary and disposable. Now people are more likely to give discourse about marriage. A New York Beyond listening to contemporary reasons that come down to being disap- Times journalist reported hearing a guest discourse, just look at contemporary pointed in what they are getting from at a wedding reception, presumably a behavior. In August 1999, a Philadelphia the marriage. Here are contemporary relative of the groom, say about the couple who desired a more expensive reasons for divorce that I hear in my bride: “She will make a nice first wife for wedding than they could afford got therapy practice and in my personal life: Jason.” One national expert endorses twenty-four companies to sponsor the The relationship wasn’t working for me what she terms “starter marriages” for wedding in exchange for having their anymore. marriages that are good learning experi- names appear six times on everything We just can’t communicate. ences but not likely to endure. Does this from the invitations to the thank-you Our needs were just too different. make you think of a “starter house” that notes. And look at the blockbuster I wasn’t happy. you didn’t plan to live in for long? One ratings in February 2000 for the televi- We just grew apart. California futurologist uses the term sion show “Who Wants to Marry a I grew and he didn’t. “ice-breaker” marriage to mean the same Multi-Millionaire,” in which fifty women She has changed too much. thing. Feminist social critic Barbara competed for selection by a rich man, I deserve more of a companion that she is Ehrenreich, in a recent Time magazine followed by an immediate wedding on willing to be. piece on predicting the future of male- national television. Even the Wall Street We are not the same people we were female relationships, supported “renew- Journal, no enemy of the marketplace, when we got married. M a r r i age & Fa m i l i e s 1 7 After the children left home, there was people who are considering ending their personal desires. But in the late nothing left. marriages for what I could term “soft” twentieth century, advertisers began to The relationship became stale. reasons are genuinely distressed and in emphasize desire for desire’s sake. An My husband was a nice guy, but boring. pain. In the past, this was all I needed to example is Nike’s slogan: “Just do it!” Or We had no real intimacy. support a spouse’s decision to end a non- Sprite’s: “Obey your thirst.” A Toyota ad I used to take many of these as valid abusive marriage that had once made campaign has a voiceover saying to a reasons to end a marriage. If the marriage both people happy but was now a source father, “Your kids always get what they is not meeting your needs, especially if of pain and disappointment. What I now want; now it’s your turn.” Consumer you have tried hard to change it, then it see more clearly is that this pain and culture has always been one of self- is reasonable to leave. In the last decade, distress often come after years of gratification, but the entitlement dimen- however, I have developed doubts after dwelling on what one is not getting from sion is more prominent now. seeing the ongoing ravages of divorce the marriage, of complaining about the Lest I seem to be against markets and for both adults and children, and after spouse’s failings, of listening to the consumption, let me reassure you. There seeing people end their second or third spouse defend and criticize back, of com- is no viable alternative to free-market marriages for the same reasons. And as paring one’s marriage to other fantasy democratic systems, no feasible way to my own marriage has endured for more relationships, and of gradually becoming eliminate advertising without wreaking than twenty-eight years now, I have more distant and resentful. A sense of havoc on the economy, throwing millions come to value this kind of permanent entitlement to a high-quality marriage of people out of work, and creating bond more than when I was younger. In leads to a focus on what is wrong with unworkable government bureaucracies. my writings for therapists, I began to the other person, which leads to more Consumer spending is the primary criticize the bias towards individual things going wrong, and eventually to fuel of a free-market economy, and satisfaction as against family responsibil- misery, which justifies leaving. consumer spending relies on advertising ities and obligations. to potential customers. Mass advertising Gradually I began to listen differently THE EVOLUTION OF THE is the only way that new businesses and to people’s justifications for ending their CONSUMER CULTURE OF MARRIAGE new products can get the attention of marriages. I came to hear them like Let me put Consumer Marriage in a consumers. Advertising needs to be customer complaints, like someone bigger context. Around 1880, the mass regulated for fairness, and should explaining why they want to trade in a manufacture of consumer goods brought probably be banned for children, but car for a new model, sell a house, or get mass advertising and a new era in Ameri- it is here to stay, as is the consumer rid of an old coat. Again, I recognize can history. The era of the consumer was orientation it supports. that people can become genuinely born. Advertisers realized that the key to distressed about personal dissatisfactions successful marketing was convincing in their marriage. But these new reasons potential customers that they couldn’t do often come down to saying that my without the product. Sometimes this psychological needs are not getting met meant defining new problems, such as in my marital lifestyle or that my spouse bad breath and hairy legs, that new is not meeting my needs. products would fix. If a company’s As I began brooding more about this product was indistinguishable in quality phenomenon of consumer culture and from another’s–say, with gasoline, soft marriage, I saw a video of a couple drinks, or cigarettes–then advertisers reciting new marriage vows that are learned to sell an image, a sense of becoming popular around the country.
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