Austria-Hungary: It is 1908. I am Austria-Hungary. I and two other great empires, the Ottoman Empire and Russia, want control of the Balkans (also called the “Powder Keg of Europe”). But we struggle terribly to do this, not just with each other, but also with the nationalistic groups which are increasingly forming in the Powder Keg. These upstart nationalists want independence from us. Bastards!

Ottoman Empire: I am the Ottoman Empire: Turkey. I am also known as the “Sick Man of Europe” because I am desperately struggling to hold on to my remaining Balkan territo- ries. The Serbs, Greeks and Bulgars are revolting against me. They are nation- alistic upstarts and want to set up their own independent countries.

Austria-Hungary: Yes I can sympathise with the stupid Turk over there. I too am struggling with all the racial groups within my Empire. Of course, we have decent people in the empire, the upper class in our society: the German speaking Austrians and the Magyars of Hungary. But as well as them, we also have Czechs, Slovaks, Poles, Ruthenians, Serbs and Croats. Though by far, the group that gives me the most trouble is the Slavs. They want to break away and join with Serbia to create one Slav kingdom. ********! These Slavs are chipping away at my empire and I don’t want to fall apart like the Sick Man over there.

Russia: Yes, yes, all very fascinating, but I’m important too. I too have an interest in the Balkans. I actually agree with the nationalistic Slavs and Serbs, because I share the same orthodox religion and culture with them. Though, of course, it must be said that I also want control over the Straits of Constantinople in the Balkans. This is a vital waterway for my trade, because all my other ports are frozen over for six months of the year.

Young Turks: You know what? I’m sick of how Austria-Hungary and Russia look at Turkey as the “Sick Man of Europe”. I’m going to do something about it. In fact, I’m going to seize power in Turkey and I’m going to rebuild the Turkish Empire and make it great again. And do you know what else? I’m going to seize the provinces of Bosnia and Herzegovina from Austria-Hungary. You Austrians have such a high opinion of yourselves. Perhaps you don’t understand how angry you made us when you began to administer Bosnia and Herzegovina after the Congress of Berlin in 1878. Those territories are supposed to be ours!

Austria-Hungary: OK, I don’t like the sounds of those Young Turks. I think I’m going to need to totally annex Bosnia and Herzegovina. Just administering them won’t be enough if we are going to foil those Young Turks. But I’m going to need help to do this. I guess I’m going to need the Russians on my side because I’m just not power- ful enough to do this on my own. Aehrenthal: I am the Austrian Foreign Minister. As part of my job I am going to meet with the Russian Foreign Minister, Isvolsky. I’m going to offer Isvolsky a deal. If the Russians support us in our annexation of Bosnia and Herzegovina, we will support them in gaining control of the Straits of Constantinople. Personally, I know how important that is to them, since they live in a totally freezing coun- try and their own ports are useless for half the year.

Isvolsky: Yes, I think this is a good deal. I will agree to this. I just need to tell my allies about the deal. Technically, I should be supporting the Slavs, so they will be angry with me for letting you annex Bosnia and Herzegovina. But perhaps if I explain it to them in just the right way, everything will be OK. Just give me some time to make them understand why I’m doing it.

Austria-Hungary: To hell with it, I’m just going to go ahead and annex Bosnia and Herzegovina.

Isvolsky: I am betrayed! That ***** Aehrenthal has tricked me. Now to make my life even worse my own government has disowned the deal I made and has pro- tested against Austria-Hungary’s annexation of Bosnia and Serbia. They are sneaky little snakes those politicians. They just want to stay in the Slavs’ good books.

Serbia: You Russians are nothing but sneaky weasels. I am the champion of the Slavs! I wanted to acquire Bosnia and Herzegovina myself, so that I could create a South Slav State. There are crowds in Belgrade shouting for war! My govern- ment is going to order the mobilisation of our army. My press is incensed. I’m even starting up a propaganda society: Narodna Odbrana (National Defence). I’m going to tell the rest of the world what you Austrians have been up to. Rus- sia, why don’t you help me? Help me fight these Austro-Hungarians.

Russia: Erm… How about we all just calm down a bit? I say instead of going to war, we hold an international conference and then we can calmly investigate Austria- Hungary’s annexation of Bosnia and Herzegovina.

Austria-Hungary: Well I’m not going to attend any stupid international conference. To hell with all of you! You’ll back me, won’t you Germany?

Germany: Yes, of course I will my brother. I support you and the actions of your Foreign Minister, Aehrenthal. Be warned Russia! If you move against my friend Austria- Hungary, you’ll have me to deal with as well. We all know that you’re a big, fat lumbering country and you don’t stand a chance against my war machine.

Russia: Yes well, there’s no reason to be mean about it. Fine, I accept Austria- Hungary’s annexation of Bosnia and Herzegovina. Sorry Slavs! Ottoman Empire: You’re all *******! Not only have I got this to deal with, but the bloody Bulgari- ans have just declared their independence. Austria-Hungary you owe me!

Austria-Hungary: OK, OK, here have this cash settlement and shut up about it!

Russia All this has made me very angry. Germany made me back down and now I feel totally bloody humiliated. I’m not having this. I’m going to start rearming my army. I never want to have to surrender again. I hate those Germans and Austro-Hungarians and I always will!

Serbia: Well I’m far angrier than you. I’m going to start openly supporting terrorist groups who are seeking independence for their countries. As far as I’m con- cerned, war with you Austro-Hungarians can’t come soon enough. Bring it on. I was born ready!

Germany: Well I feel like I’ve done really well. Though privately, with no one listening, I must admit I did kind of give away my desperation to keep Austria-Hungary loyal to me. I was very quick to give Austria-Hungary my support, but I just can’t risk losing my only friend. The British and the French can’t be too im- pressed with me right now. I’m just a bit worried that the next time something kicks off in the Balkans I’ll have to give military support to Austria-Hungary. Who knows where that could lead? All those bloody Balkans need is one spark to set them off…..