RIP *sadface* Stewart Lee Mastectomies Private Lives Enonomics Celebrity grief tweets Rekebah’s poetic texts Cancer risk dilemma I’ve never been kissed Brian meets Ha-Joon Chang

1 2 1 . 1 . 1 2 y a ‘I don’t d n M o mayor want to of be ’ Thank God, says Decca Aitkenhead, after an audience with Sebastian Coe

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l i v e D u n n R I P C e s f o r a l l t h Eulogies t h a n k Gervais and Radio 1 DJ Greg James, n j o y m e n t o u r s o f e neither of whom I believe to have h D a d ’ s Reaping the w a t c h i n g been particular acquaintances of A r m y Nutkins, or, indeed, luminaries in Celebrity Death the wildlife-broadcasting world. Harvest Unless we count Flanimals. This year we have encountered the high-profile passings of Neil So sad to hear Armstrong, Tony Scott and Hal t is often suggested that the David, and naturally the coverage death of Diana, Princess of about Terry Nutkins. that followed them often drew on I Wales, altered the nature What an absolute celebrity tweets (“Everyone should of collective grief, rendering it icon go outside and look at the moon suddenly acceptable to line the tonight and give a thought to Neil streets, send flowers and, most Armstrong,” ordered McFly’s Tom importantly, weep publicly at the Fletcher). But few could match the death of someone you did not response that greeted the death of actually know. Fifteen years on, Whitney Houston in February. and nowhere is collective grief Along with tributes from the more manifest than on Twitter, music industry, some publications where the announcement of the O m g n o o o o cast their nets a little wider for the passing of any well-known name is wa y m y i d o l condolences of Paris Hilton and met by a flurry of re-tweets, hash- o o wa y Kim Kardashian, not to mention tags and sadface emoticons. w h i t n e y n what we assume to be the grief- c k Of course, the nature of report- o m g b i g s h o addled ruminations of Katie Price: ing and the internet has shifted sub- “Omg noooo way my idol whitney stantially; not only have audiences noo way omg big shock. Your displayed an insatiable appetite for music made to my life.” celebrity tittle-tattle, but Twitter The only possible defence for has come to be regarded as an prompted a huge response, and also the actor’s inspiration for her all this celebrity Twitter-quoting is important tool for newsgathering soon we were treated to Twitter forays into acting and swimwear. that it helps take the temperature and audience engagement. And so, eulogies by such stars as Tony The death of ’s of our collective grief. So let’s in a phenomenon I call the Celebrity Parsons, Martin Kemp of Spandau Bill Tarmey on Friday brought leave the last word to footballer- Death Twitter Harvest, a content- Ballet and Elizabeth Hurley, in more of the same. in-mourning Wayne Rooney: hungry media increasingly feasts whose contribution – “RIP Clive Few publications are immune “Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. on a glut of related tweets. Dunn thanks for all the hours of from reaping the celebrity Twitter I grew up listening to whitney. So Consider the case of Clive Dunn, enjoyment watching Dad’s Army” grief. On the death of Terry everyone asking why im tweeting who died last week aged 92. Natu- – one likes to believe she was hon- Nutkins earlier this year, even the about her. Show some respect.” rally, the death of such a cult figure ouring not only enjoyment, but Guardian quoted comedian Ricky Laura Barton

Psychology ation. After Cameron said to her in Dignity and Humiliation Studies, a Commons debate on abortion, a network of academics and Nadine Dorries “I know the honourableable lady is activistsactiv studying humiliation extremely frustratedd …”, inn an attempt to eradicate it, to gales of laughter, she s e there are two types: injury ofand humiliation the power wrote a furious piecee in tot honour, and injury to the headlinedlined dignity. dig The first is experi- “The PM publicly humili-umili- encednced by elites, in the way ated me in front of the aristocratsaristoc would defend their ast week, in a Guardian entire nation. What honouron in duels. When comment piece, Louise did I do to deserve Cameron Ca was described L Mensch admonished that?” Presumably, as “humiliated” – on the Nadine Dorries for appearing on I’m she will find eating frontf of three newspapers a Celebrity … Get me Out of Here! kangaroo’s anuses – after rebel MPs voted to “Eating grubs and performing less mortifying – or cut the EU budget, it was humiliating tasks on air are not con- at least better paid. hisis authority that was sistent with being an MP,” she said. According to damagedda rather than his Dorries is no stranger to humili- Dr Linda Hartling at Human dignity di as a human being.

 Hope-less Super hands Should we call time on This cool, Terminator- shonky Shephard Fairey style prosthetic has Shorter pastiches? Yes, if Currys’ been developed by a cuts new press ads, featuring British company. The a less-than-iconic BeBionic3 hand can customer-service drone, apparently grip a beer are anything to go by. and gently hold an egg.

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D on ’t ev en think about eating my li v er , posh boy ! Etiquette Pass notes How to avoid No 3,279 eating raw Charles stag’s liver Darwin

lifeow tiresomelycan sometimes awkward be Appearance:Age: 73, whenDown-on-his-luck he died in 1882. department H for . store Santa. In this week’s Spectator, the Profession: English naturalist, author of On the pro-torture hardline Conservative Origin of Species, developer of the theory of Bruce Anderson tells of how, in natural selection, congressional also-ran. 1998, he was at a shooting-party Also-ran? Darwin once came second in dinner in Scotland with Cameron an election for a seat in the US House at which an almost-rare stag’s of Representatives. liver was served as a delicacy. And under a bit of veggie-lettuce- I never knew that. When did this happen? “There were some wetties forage at that! Last week. who were put off by the sight,” “Call Me Dave”, though, is But he’s dead! He wasn’t alone there. A dead man writes Anderson. “Among their less likely to be squirming at IN NUMBERS was elected to the Texas senate last Tuesday. number, I regret to say, was the having his table manners exposed Another dead guy was voted city council president present prime minister. After- than at being reminded of his of Rochester, Minnesota, and yet another won wards, he confessed to a crime hunting, shooting and fishing a seat on a county commission in Alabama. which he had not committed privileged background. But OK – but he’s not even an American citizen. He since prep school. To hide his since his intimes are so keen to wasn’t on the ballot either. Nevertheless, Charles

concealedfailure to eat it under the liver, some he rabbit- had turesremind and us we of hisare holidayall so very adven- inDarwin Athens-Clark received County more than, Georgia. 4,000 The write-in numbers votes food garnish.” clearly in this together, now from the other 24 counties in the 10th congres- It’s hard to know what does seem a good moment to sional district were not available at the Anderson finds most offensive: clarify these important points of $713.4bn time of writing. Cameron’s reluctance to eat the etiquette. Should you a) tell your Total net worth of the Could he still win? It’s unlikely. The incumbent, still-bleeding organ of an animal hostess that you don’t like fresh top 20 individuals on Republican Paul Broun, received more than killed a few hours earlier, or the stag liver; b) hide it under a Bloomberg’s latest 209,000 votes. fact that he wasn’t even man lettuce leaf; or c) leave it in global rich list And the Democrat? Broun was running enough to admit he didn’t like it. plain sight on your plate? unopposed. The write-in campaign was The shame, the shame of trying Answers please … sort of a protest. to hide his wimpishness. John Crace But why Darwin? It has to do with a speech Broun gave to a church group in September in which he denounced both evolution and It would have been more hurtful feelings of abasement. There may the big bang theory, as “lies straight from if, say, his trousers had fallen be a sexual element too. The the pit of hell”. down in the House of Commons. success of Fifty Shades of Grey So he credits Satan with the theory of natural In suggesting she was sexually suggests the number of people who selection? He also said he believed the Earth

frustrated, Cameron inflicted this get a thrill out of it may be higher is 9,000 years old, and was created in six N kind of humiliation on Dorries, than previously assumed. literal days. I A D made much worse by their Humiliation can have an Perhaps his remarks were misinterpreted. R A respective positions in the pecking incendiary power, says Hartling, There’s a video of him saying it, standing in front U G E order. “In dignity contexts, feelings who believes it has prompted of a wall of mounted deer heads. H T of humiliation are triggered in the some of the most violent protests I’ve said it before – that America is one crazy R O downtrodden, those who formerly of the past 15 years, citing the place. It gets worse – Broun is a qualified F E were expected to bow in subservi- riots that swept the Middle East in doctor, a climate-change denier and a member N E V ence,” says Hartling. September after an anti-Muslim of the House committee on science, space E L There is no mystery about why video was posted on YouTube. and technology. I D V we enjoy seeing public figures “Our research suggests that when Do say: “It’s shameful that in this day and age A D humbled – it’s good old-fashioned anyone is humiliated, all of us are such a politician even exists.” R E V schadenfreude, perhaps to stop us diminished in some way,” she says. Don’t say: “Poor show, Darwin. In America, being O C from worrying about our own Alex Needham deadde is no excuse for being second best.”

Walk in the park Sun-dazed Paging Paris Hilton … UK hipsters have long envied New Jermaine Jackson is changingging At 7cm tall and 12cm long, Meysi, York’s Highline, a public park his name to Jermaine a terrier crossbreed from , along an elevated former railway Jacksun. “You cannot blameme is on track to be named the world’s line. Will the London equivalent this one on the boogie,” smallest dog. She needs to be one measure up? A linear park within a friend told , year old to qualify the Nine Elms development has “You’ve got to blame it on – and at four months, she’s not just been given the planning nod. the sunshine.” Er, right. expected to grow much more.

12.11.12 The Guardian 3

Stewart Lee Who can doubt the linguistic and literary merits of the texts between Brooks and Cameron? They’re pure Shakespeare

here has been much inappropriate, Brooks Hamlet : Lady, shall I lie in your lap? salacious, and opportunistic Ophelia : No, my lord. T speculation about the exact nature cried twice. Hamlet : I mean my head upon your lap. of the withheld communications The utopian Ophelia : Aye, my lord. between the former News Hamlet : Or did you think I meant country International redhead Rebekah Brooks and the dream of suppers? current Conservative party brownhead David Cameron’s (Hamlet, Act III, Sc ii) Cameron, much of it in extremely dubious taste. Elsewhere in the message’s nine words, Brooks I doubt, for example, whether the self-styled Privilege brilliantly and economically evokes the idea of grand inquisitor Tom Watson MP would be the uncontrolled emotion Cameron’s egalitarian pleased were someone to make public all his for All political vision inspires in her. “I cried twice.” private business messages to the gravy girls at his overcame Twice! Brooks cried twice. The weeping did not local branch of The Gourmet Meat Pie Emporium! begin and then eventually subside, like the snotty But unlike Watson, my main interest in the her a bawling of a young foolish girl attending a Russell Brooks-Cameron messages is not political, or second time Brand gig, or offi ciating the back-garden shoebox prurient, but linguistic and literary. funeral of a beloved hamster. No. The weeping Admittedly, it is possible that, were the full began, was contained by sheer force of will, and

publictexts of confidence the pair’s missivesin Cameron to be would brought be destroyed to light, utopianthen the dream undeniable of Privilege power For of Cameron’s All overcame crazy for ever and the government would collapse, Brooks a second time, like an enormous yes. leaving a gaping power vacuum into which Ed Make no mistake, Brooks seems to say, this was Miliband might find himself tumbling, with all not some easily won epiphany, like the gut animal the undeniable historical impact of a damp sock reaction to cheap music or cheap perfume, but falling into a deep trench latrine. But for me, the unwanted outcome of a struggle for self- what posterity will choose to preserve from the control that failed, against Brooks’s will, and then dialogues is Brooks’s response to Cameron’s 2009 failedfai again. It was a Fifty Shades of Grey-style Conservative party conference pep talk: “Brilliantlliant tussletus with unbidden idealistic desires, that none- speech. I cried twice. Will love ‘working together’.”er’.” thelessth found their way to the heroine’s unwilling The pellucid message fascinates, dazzling in its andn wounded heart. If I might be so bold, the sen- mystery, possessed of a bluntly opaque poetry,ry, timentti could only have been more dramatic had and will continue to resonate long after the BrooksBr expressed it thus: “I cried. Twice.” But star-cross’d pair themselves have completed journalists jo are trained to write in sentences. their fearful passage, and death lies upon themm Cameron knows this. And so does Brooks. like an untimely frost. Consider. AndA for Brooks to break so boldly a fixed profes- Brooks’s unusual use of apostrophes, sionalsio and grammatical law would perhaps have rather than quotation marks, around the betrayed be the pair far more convincingly that any words “working together” appears to amounta of clanking innuendo about the riding of suggest that Brooks’s idea of her and disobedient horses. Cameron ‘working together’ has some Time passes. We drive our carts and our entirely different and privately understood plows over the bones of the dead. Leveson meaning from the normal idea of “working recedes into the memory fog. Now Savile looms together”. Would italics have helped? Could aloft like Whitby Dracula newly transported in Brooks and Cameron have been planning to Transylvanian coffi n dust, and other figures be ‘working together’? Or were they going take shape in the mist, drawing the eye from to be ‘working together ’? Or, worse still, country suppers. The air changes to soundless ‘working together ’? damage. Cameron will leave no legacy, and Perhaps the much-quoted phrase from thee Brooksr will be a stain upon the saddle of time’s duo’s original communique cache, “country swswift stallion, no more. But choice phrases often supper”, as in “I do understand the issue withh lingerin long after the names of those who uttered the Times. Let’s discuss over a country supperer themth are forgotten: “It’s black over Bill’s mother’s”; S E G soon”, should also have had apostrophes aroundund “Oh!“O Oh! Mr Peevly! Mr Peevly!”; “That’s you that A it, or have been in italics? Would “Let’s discussss is”;is” and the immortal “I cried twice.” Brooks’ I M Y over a ‘country supper ’ soon” have done more,e, wordswo will ring down the ages, divorced from the T E or less, to inflame the suspicions of Watson’s speakersp and her addressee, but emblazoned as G / P puritanical leftwing cabal? Its presumably theth new gold standard of emotional veracity. The F A deliberate echoes of Hamlet’s lecherous pursuituit Newse of the World is gone and the coalition will H P A of “country matters” would certainly not be lost collapse.col What will survive of us is love. R G on the Eton-educated Cameron. Rhythmicallyly O T O and dramatically, the substitution is almost StewartSte Lee’s DVD Carpet Remnant World is H P too perfect. releasedre

12.11.12 The Guardian 5

Decca Aitkenhead meets Sebastian Coe

proba‘I thinblyk jus I’mt an old-fashioned Tory’

ord Coe was 14 when he wiser. The pages are bleached of all or something dreary, Coe plumps gave his first interview. emotional meaning, and how the unerringly for the latter, at great L “It’s an awful thought,” author got through them all without length. It is as if he were set on trying he grins, pretending to boring himself to death is a mystery. to filibuster his own interview. shudder, “but I’ve probably Like me, you might conclude that he The odd thing is that, having had been interviewed on a regular basis has to be much more illuminating in not one but three incredible careers, for 42 years.” Communication has person. If so, you would be wrong. Coe ought to be riveting. In 1979, the become, he says, the single most Coe is perfectly pleasant – affable, young middle-distance runner broke important part of his job. “It’s about polite, professional – and gives no three world records in just 41 days, being able to create a vision and talk indication of deliberately trying to say becoming the poster boy of British about it. The biggest fragility in a nothing. On the contrary, he digests athletics in the 80s, electrifying the project is often just the inability to be each question with quiet relish, before Moscow and LA Olympics with his able to explain to people why you are launching into probably the longest rivalry with Ovett. After retiring from doing it, and when you’re going to do answers I have ever come across. More athletics at 34, Coe was immediately it, and what’s going to happen.” He’s than once, I catch myself starting to selected to stand as a Tory MP, serving right, of course, and as the London nod off, and have a panicky moment one parliamentary term, latterly as a Olympics were such a hit, you would trying to work out what I have missed, whip, before losing his seat in 1997, think that he must be a brilliant but he is too busy droning on to notice. only to be appointed William Hague’s communicator. I did – until I picked It is like a rare form of conversational chief of staff. Hague’s 2001 defeat up his autobiography. colour-blindness. Offered a choice brought Coe’s party political career to Seldom can a memoir have revealed between saying something diverting a close, but within months he was less about its author – or less of what working for the Labour government, anyone might actually want to know, advising on London’s Olympic bid. anyway. If the interminable minutiae ‘I’m only really The bid still wasn’t looking too of obscure athletics meetings is your promising in 2004, when Coe became ‘I’m a great thing, then, to be fair, Running My Life beginning to Locog’s chairman. Eight years on, he is believer in big may be for you. But if you are curious a national hero, rightly feted for a events attracting to know what Sebastian Coe was like as historic triumph that took the whole big names and a child, what athletics meant to him, understand what world by surprise. By anyone’s stand- role models’ how he felt about his arch rival Steve ards, his achievements are astonishing. Photograph by Ovett, why he went into politics, or the Games “I always remember the 10th David Levene what it felt like to be in charge of the of September being the first for the Guardian Olympics, it will leave you none the meant for people’ morning, virtually in a decade, →

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I woke up without thinking of next challenge, the next message about those work. I will go to my grave ← winning a bid or delivering a a team that didn’t quite feel that the believing that participation is best game. Crucially, I’m not waking up carrots were cooked properly in the driven by the well-stocked shop each morning thinking: ‘Oh my God, Olympic village. So the past few weeks window. I got involved with this project I’ve got security transports, licence has been a sort of – I suppose it’s the 10 years ago because I could not see a agreements, the work over what the right word, really – it’s been a sort of better opportunity in my lifetime for customer experience is going to be like, recollection by osmosis. People are creating a step change in the way sport whether the coffee is going to be any painting the picture that you didn’t is delivered, in the way young people good in the Olympic village’ – you’re really see at the Games, and it’s exactly see sport, and in the way people could not in that mindset. It is very similar to the same as being a competitor.” engage with the disability agenda.” finishing a four-year competitive cycle.” Coe is still working full-time on the Coe has been politically active since When Coe used to compete, he was Olympics, overseeing legacy projects. his time at Loughborough University, too absorbed in winning races to have I ask if we will ever know if the Games’ where he joined the Young Conserva- any idea what the Games meant economic legacy repaid their astro- tives, but I’m still not clear about his beyond the stadium. nomical cost, but Coe doesn’t measure ideological motivation. What exactly “It’s only when you get home and success in terms of balance sheets. does he believe in? He looks a little back into the sort of normal day-to-day “I’m a great believer in big events surprised. “I think I’m probably just an stuff, that people stop you in the street attracting big names and role models, old-fashioned Tory. I don’t wake up and say: ‘Wasn’t that unbelievable?’ I’m and I think young people tend to take each morning trying to figure out what in that sort of phase now where I’m up sport because of what they witness kind of Conservative I am; for me it’s only really beginning to understand at that level, rather than nationally quite instinctive. I actually don’t what the Games meant for people who endorsed projects saying: ‘Unless you believe in big government and half the come up to me – and it happens a lot, all start running three times a week time I’m never quite sure I believe in a lot. People do come up and they just you’re going to drop dead with a heart government, generally.” Coe, aged 14, wins say, ‘It was extraordinary’ and ‘Thank attack at the age of 40.’ I don’t think But without government, I say, we the Sheffi eld City you to your teams.’ A guy this morning wouldn’t have had the Olympics. Championships; – a guy in a taxi – he said: ‘I went to the “No, that is true. That is true.” (right) with three Games. We got four tickets in the men’s By now you may well be thinking he of his children, 100 metres. We were really lucky.’ But ‘The truth is doesn’t sound all that dull. But these after receiving then he said: ‘Do you know something? that I didn’t really few nuggets are as good as it gets. To a knighthood If I’m being honest, I preferred the demonstrate just what a crashing bore in May 2006, and Paralympic dressage.’ he is, I would have to quote all the congratulating “These are the conversations I’ve know Ovett. But acres of tedium from which they were gold medallist had and they’re lovely conversations salvaged, running the risk of sending Jessica Ennis at and they just help paint a bit more of a I like him. He’s every reader to sleep. We owe Coe a the London picture, because at Games time you’re national debt of gratitude for pulling off Games thinking about nothing other than the a really good guy’ an Olympic games beyond our wildest dreams, but how he did it I do not know, because his leadership qualities are diffi cult to spot. Clearly they’ve got to be hiding in there somewhere, or London 2012 would not have happened – so instead I try reading between the lines, see if I can work out what he’s like from all the things he neglects to mention. Coe was born in 1956, one of four children. His mother was a glamorous half-Indian actor, and his father was a highly intelligent working-class engineer. His father’s work took the family all over the country until eventually they settled in Sheffi eld, where Coe’s athletic promise quickly began to define his adolescence. Applying the principles of engineering to the new discipline of athletics, Coe’s father became his coach, mentor, psychologist and nutritionist – the dominant force in his son’s life. He is certainly the dominant presence in the autobiography, and the author has nothing but praise for his father’s dedication. At one point his father even got hold of eastern European training manuals and had them translated so he could work out exactly what his son was up against. “He was ferociously clever,” Coe recalls proudly. “I mean ferociously

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clever. He could cut through the flab of with him, and I think I detect a faintly an argument and, in training terms, he aggrieved sense that the world was spent five or six years doing nothing never really on his side. else, other than understanding the “No ... I don’t think ...” Coe hesitates nature of what it would take to get me and stutters. “I think if you are quite to run two laps quicker than anyone single-minded about what you are else.” But what was he like? “Very doing ...” Suddenly, he sounds much warmer than people thought.” defensive. “Look, throughout my Coe has a maddening habit of career I was always a member of an alluding to criticisms or conflicts athletics club. I always trained and without ever addressing them. As the competed for an athletics club, even as book goes on, it becomes apparent that a double-Olympic champion. I think most of the athletics world, and much it’s probably – I think there are … Not of the media, regarded his father as a that I think it, being honest, not that it bit of a tyrant – a loner, arrogant and really bothers me. But I do think that over-controlling. But we never find out people that are really focused probably why, nor does Coe ever explain why give out those vibes when they’re not they had got him wrong. meaning to be aloof, but that it’s just Coe’s mother barely gets a mention, what they do. When I was in a racing though there is a revealing line about situation, it was the most important watching her cheer him from the stands. thing in my life. You train for 10 years, “Watching her son break a world record you run thousands of miles, you do might go some way, I hoped, to make take it quite seriously.” up for all she’d put up with along the The talk in political circles is now way.” What did he mean? about Coe succeeding as “Well, she was a remarkable woman, the next Tory candidate for mayor of and the great thing she did, at key London. He would be uniquely well moments, she did gently remind me qualified, of course – but is he someone that there is a little bit more to running the could fall in love with? Like two laps quicker than the next person. his father, he seems to have taken the She was always a balancing influence, principles of one discipline and applied and without wanting it to sound too them to another, and what he did with managerial, the management of a London 2012 was astonishing. But it family around one of her children not doesn’t necessarily make him very being able to eat until nine o’clock most endearing. nights, travelling all the time – well, of old-fashioned gentleman to whom At moments I wonder whether Coe course, it’s a fairly selfish existence, so good manners matter more than gold himself might be finding his new making sure my brother and sisters medals. He volunteers little evidence national treasure identity a bit uncom- didn’t feel neglected.” They get even to the contrary. Nevertheless, every fortable. It is certainly unfamiliar. On less of a look-in than his mum, so I ask now and then, rather reluctantly, he the track, the people’s champion was if there was sibling resentment. “Er, if will mention odd things so always Ovett, never Coe; in politics, he you’re being honest, probably. I think incompatible with his self-image that represented his party through its dark- it’s human nature.” you wonder how reliable it really is. est ever decade. And up until late July, What about Ovett? “Right,” Coe For example, when Coe confounded popular attitudes towards the

says, stiffening slightly. “The truth is sports reporters’ doubts by winning in Olympics tended to range from ridicule THE CV that I didn’t really know him. But I like LA in 1984, he turned to the press box, to resentment. Now, all of a sudden, him. He’s a really good guy.” Yet Coe shook his fist and screamed: “Who says everyone loves him. So what will he 1956 Born in London writes: “Steve was playing up to his I’m finished now?” Where did that do next? 1973 Becomes English role of bad-boy in the devil-may-care come from? He had never mentioned He will certainly be rich, having just Schools 3,000 metres champion way he finished his races, waving to any fury towards the press. Likewise, sold his management company for 1980 Wins gold and the crowd or running across the track, he tells us about falling in love with £12m. He remarried last year, to Carole silver medals at the adding unnecessary seconds to his Nicky McIrvine, an equestrian eventer, Annett, a journalist with House & Moscow Olympics 1984 Wins gold and time but endearing himself to the getting married and having four chil- Garden. Last week he was elected chair silver medals at Los general public, who always love a dren together. Later, he explains their of the British Olympic Association, and Angeles Olympics maverick and slightly despise the boy subsequent divorce as a of he has hinted at one day becoming 1990 Marries Nicky McIrvine, with whom he with the clean handkerchief.” He Westminster’s impossible working head of the International Association has four children; retires N O writes of beating Ovett in 1989: “While hours. Only much later, and almost by of Athletics Federations. But when I from athletics T H I was being interviewed on air about the bye, does he mention his extra- ask if he would make a good mayor of 1992 Becomes a G U exactly what had happened, Steve was marital affair. Even then he makes it London, he is unequivocal. Tory MP O 2000 T Becomes S trackside in emotional turmoil, saying: sound pretty unimportant, when in “I don’t want to be mayor.” What a a member of the House & R ‘They got me here on false pretences fact it went on for a decade. He doesn’t relief. Is he quite sure? of Lords E 2012 Delivers London D and lied to a lot of other people.’ even mention his mother’s death “I can tell you, that is the one D Games and in November O H Upstaged to the end.” In each passage, except as a belated afterthought. exclusive you can write. I have no is elected British H P it’s the barbed payoff line that says At various points in the book, he interest at all.” Really? Olympic Association R A chairman G a lot about Coe’s true opinion of his alludes to a widespread impression of “No.” O T charismatic rival’s popularity. Coe as arrogant, aloof and rather Sebastian Coe will be O Running My Life is published by Hodder & H signing copies at branches P It is clear from the book that Coe unlovable – the Steve Davis of Stoughton, price £25. To order a copy for of Waterstones this week. I N thinks of himself as decent, unassuming, athletics. The public loved to see him A £16 with free UK p&p, go to guardian.co.uk/ For more information see M straightforward and hard-working – an win, but were less keen to fell in love bookshop or call 0330 333 6846 hodder.co.uk

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Health or Sharon Osbourne it was Sharon Osbourne opted to undergo “a no-brainer” to have her a double mastectomy F breasts removed in order to reduce her risk of getting A 30-year-old woman whose father breast cancer. Her mind was carries the gene has a 25% chance of made up when a genetic test revealed also having it, but if a woman of the that she had inherited one of the genes same age has a mother or sister who has that predispose women carrying it to it, the risk rises to 50%. The presence developing the disease. The former of BRCA1 or BRCA2 means a carrier is X Factor judge did not want to fight much more likely to develop breast or cancer again, having survived colon ovarian cancer, though BRCA2 involves cancer in 2002, and also wanted to see a slightly lower risk than BRCA1. The her seven-month-old granddaughter lifetime risk of a BRCA1 carrier getting Pearl grow up. “I decided to just take breast cancer can be 60-80%. everything off and had a double mas- Up to 20% of the patients Eccles tectomy,” 60-year-old Osbourne told tests for BRCA1 or BRCA2 turn out to be Hello! “For me, it wasn’t a big decision positive. She estimates that 30-40% of … I didn’t want to live the rest of my life them – usually women in their 30s and with that shadow hanging over me.” 40s – go on to have a mastectomy. “If About 18,000 mastectomies are we find an altered code that damages performed each year in England, and the protein, we can then offer a test another 39,000 women have other to other family members who want types of breast surgery, such as lumpec- to know their risk. We can tell them tomies. “We call what Sharon Osbourne roughly what their risk of getting breast has had ‘risk-reducing surgery’ or a cancer might be,” says Eccles. “It’s ‘prophylactic mastectomy’,” says Dr never an easy decision, it’s very per- Caitlin Palframan, policy manager sonal. While many women choose to at the charity Breakthrough Breast have that operation when they know Cancer. “We don’t call it ‘preventative’ they are at high risk, a majority don’t.” or even ‘pre-emptive’ surgery, because Those who do not can choose to there’s a risk you may still get breast start breast screening, if they are cancer despite the surgery. Nothing is under 50, and undergo annual MRI completely preventative.” scans in addition to the more usual There are no offi cial figures for mammography. “The main reason the number of women who have women end up having the operation is the operation for the same reason as so that they’re no longer anxious that Osbourne. “I would think it’s about they will develop breast cancer. The 1,000-1,200,” says Andrew Baildam, downside is that it is a mastectomy, professor of breast surgery at Barts so however good the reconstruction, hospital in London. “Ten or 12 years ago it’s not like having your own breasts.” it was a highly controversial operation. A very Every woman considering the It was considered almost unethical. But procedure undergoes counselling. NHS regional centres [which perform Tracey Barraclough tested positive the surgery] have made it more routine. for BRCA1 in 1998. “I had up to an 85% Techniques have become more refined, chance of developing breast cancer especially in breast reconstruction, personal and up to 60% chance of developing which most women opt for.” ovarian cancer,” she recalls. She was The NHS tests about 7,500 women devastated but not surprised as her a year for either of the two genes – mother, grandmother and great- BRCA1 and BRCA2 – that increase grandmother had all died of ovarian risk of breast or ovarian cancer. procedure cancer in their 50s. Four months Professor Diana Eccles works at a later she had her womb and ovaries regional genetic testing service in Now that genetic tests are able to removed, to reduce her cancer risk. Southampton, one of 35 such centres predict susceptibility to breast But she decided not to lose her breasts. in the UK. Around 1,500 women from A year later, though, she changed her Dorset, Hampshire, the Isle of Wight cancer, an increasing number of mind and had a double mastectomy. and southern Wiltshire are tested there women are opting for risk-reducing “Deciding to embark on that was the each year for different types of cancer. loneliest and most agonising journey of Y M About 800 of these women may go surgery, writes Denis Campbell my life. My son Josh was five at the time A L A on to develop breast cancer – the UK’s and I wanted to live for him. I didn’t , S E commonest form of cancer, claiming want him to grow up without a mum.” G 12,000 lives a year. It was, she recalls, “an enormously A I M “The women we test for breast difficult decision, based purely on Y T T cancer are aged between 16 and 76. The statistics rather than emotion”. E G younger the age at which breast cancer How does she feel now, 13 years on? S P H has occurred in their family, and the “I’m 100% happy. It was the right thing A R greater the number of relatives who for me. I feel that losing my mother, G O T have had it, the more likely there will grandmother and great-grandmother O H be a genetic link,” says Eccles. hasn’t been in vain,” she says. P

12 The Guardian 12.11.12

Dr Dillner’s dilemma Should I take part in a clinical trial? Sexual Healing Pamela Stephenson Connolly

One in five people with cancer in the because they want to help other people My husband and I are both in our UK is involved in a research study, with their disease. But are trials risky 50s and have been married for 22 according to the latest National Cancer and do you need lots of tests? WRITE TO US years. Our sex life was fine until a Patient Experience survey – the highest few months ago, when he started to proportion in the world. Clinical trials The solution Send us your own have diffi culty getting erect during are regulated investigations that often You should talk to your doctor about problem for sex before climaxing. Recently he examine the effects of new treatments whether you should take part in a Sexual Healing, confessed to feeling constantly (drugs or devices), diagnostic tests or trial. If you have cancer then Cancer by emailing stressed, and started seeing a private.lives@ how care is given (eg, inpatient or day Research UK has a database of trials guardian.co.uk therapist. He said he thinks the sex surgery). Without them there would be on its website and a helpline (0808 or writing to issue is an effect of anxiety, but it is limited advances in medicine. 800 4040). Other charities for specific Private Lives, The also contributing to his stress levels. Trials are not just for the sick: all conditions can access trial information Guardian, Kings Now he avoids coming to bed at the studies have to be done in phases, one and help you to decide. Place, 90 York Way, same time as me and our sex life has of which includes healthy members Whether you are healthy or unwell, London N1 9GU stopped. I want to be supportive of the public. Phase-one trials, which before signing up you should know and don’t want to add to the pressure involve a drug being tested on a human exactly what the study is trying to he feels, but the sudden loss of for the first time, got bad press in 2006 discover: if it is looking at a treatment; intimacy is making me unhappy. I when six men trying out the drug what is known from earlier-phase trials; am tempted to ask to go to bed and TGN1412 became seriously ill, with how it is likely to work. Find out how cuddle instead of having sex but some of their organs failing. But early it will be given to you and the benefits I don’t know what to say or do. trials are usually safe, since drugs are and side effects that the researchers first tested on animals and must get are expecting. You also need to know Your intuition to request non-sexual approval from the national licensing how much the trial will inconvenience physical intimacy is a good one, authority and an ethics committee. you, how many extra tests you need, so act on it. Help to reduce his Participants can be paid and current ads how unpleasant they might be and how performance pressure by showing that offer anything from £200 to £2,000. often you will need to be checked at you value and enjoy non-penetrative Phase-two trials take small num- the hospital. Make a decision based on physical closeness. Men do not need bers of people with a given condition how much your quality of life will be to be fully erect in order to climax, and (if it is for a new treatment) who are affected. It is also useful to know who some function just fine – and satisfy monitored closely. If the treatment is funding the research, if the research their partners – without ever being seems to work the phase-three trial team have a good history of getting hard at all. If you could eventually has many more patients, takes longer their studies published and when the be courageous enough to teach your to find results and may be designed so results will be reported. husband how to pleasure you in non- that neither doctor nor patient knows If you are thinking of having the penetrative ways, that would go a long who is having which treatment. new treatment for a condition,dition, way toward reducing his fear that he is So why take part in a study? you should investigate thee useless as a lover when his penis refuses There is the lure of cash if you are a quality of the treatment you to co-operate. After all, I assume he has poor student, or of access to a new will get if you do not try it. a tongue, fingers and an imagination? treatment if you have a serious disease There is some research thatat and standard care has not worked. suggests people enrolledd in studies Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based Patients with cancer often enter trials do better than those whoo do not. psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders

12.11.12 The Guardian 13

Theatres London

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TWELFTHRICHARD NIGHT IIIIII book onlineGarrick loservillethemusical.coloservillethemusical.comm 0844 412 4662 Tue-Fri7.30,www,thrillerlive.com Sat 4&8, Sun 3.30&7.30 In repertoire Tickets released every day LOSERVILLE the Musical Shakespearewestend.com Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 3pm Tickets from £10.00 - £49.50 NewNew London Theatre 020 7452 3000 / 0844 412 4654 WAR HORSE APOLLO VICTORIA 0844 847 1696 Warhorseonstage.com WICKED WickedTheMusical.co.uk Mon-Sat 7.30pm Wed & Sat 2.30pm NOVELLO 0844 482 5115 'ABBA-So'ABBA-Solutelylutely Fabulous' D.Mail MAMMA MIA! ARTS THEATRE 020 7836 8463 Mon-Sat 7.45, Thurs & Sat 3pm, A Radio Play by Samuel Beckett www.Mamma-Mia.com Directed by Trevor Nunn ALL THAT FALL CastCast includes Eileen Aitkins PALACE THEATRE 0844 412 4656 And And Michael Gambon SINGIN' IN THE RAIN singinintherain.co.uk GIELGUD 0844 482 5130 CAMBRIDGE 08444124652 Roald Dahl’s CHARIOTS OF FIRE Piccadilly Theatre 0844 871 3055 ********** 'A magnificent triumph' MATILDA THE MUSICAL Mail on Sunday VIVA FOREVER! Tue7Wed-Sat7.30Wed&Sat2.30Sun3 Mon-Sat 19:45, Wed & Sat 15:00 Based on the songs of the www.matildathemusical.com chariotsoffireonstage.com BookBook by by www.VivaForeverTheMusical.comFrom 27 November | £20-£67.50

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QUEEN'S 0844 482 5160 LES MISERABLES WINNER! 2012 Olivier Audience Award EvesEves 7.30,7.30, MatsMats WedWed & & SatSat 2.302.30 www.LesMis.com

t n e m i n a t r t e n E

Private lives H i d e o us l y d i v e r s e B r i t ai n F or t y y e ar s of A problem shared r e t ic e nce p nc e I’m 20, have never been kissed and feel uncomfortable if men touch me These stories are so dramatic, I said to Vishva Samani. Why don’t your elders talk about them? It’s a protec- tive mechanism, she says. “A sense that we live such a good life here now; why

haveI am a never 20-year-old been kissed. female I havestudent liked and HowTry dancing about going to dance classes, shouldThe Ugandanwe talk about Asian that?” pioneers gave many guys and have no diffi culty where men and women touch in a their children a brilliant start and a flirting with them, but when they try platonic situation? Would you be comfortable way of life. Maybe they to touch me it makes me feel uncom- comfortable with that? Most classes want to underplay how diffi cult it was. fortable. I know I am young, and many rotate partners quite quickly so you Maybe they hope to save their children people will say I should hold on for the won’t be stuck with anyone for very from the burdens of history. Maybe they right person to come along, but I am long. There is usually social dancing are protecting themselves. But if my tired of waiting and want to be after class, which you can stay for story had their traumas and successes, proactive. How can I feel more relaxed if you feel like it or leave if you are I’d be telling everybody. around men and finally find someone feeling shy. It’s a safe and controlled It’s 40 years since they came: ousted that I can have a relationship with? environment and a good chance for with almost nothing by Idi Amin. Nearly you to practise without it looking 28,000 arrived in just 90 days. They Make the leap like that’s what you’re doing. I taught were condemned to build from scratch, When you find yourself with a man dance classes to university students for but what they lacked in possessions and you really like and with whom you several years, and I found it was a very assets they balanced with know-how. A are comfortable, tell him what you’re good way to instil social skills in young community that knows how will always feeling and perhaps how you’d like to people, men especially! get to where it is going. sarahdotcom I was struck by what they brought offeel your instead. comfort You zone, may havewhich to will go out be to Britain after a chat last month with daunting. However, once your heart has Find the right person Hindu business tycoon Dr Rami Ranger. slowed down again you will probably I know it’s really frustrating to We weren’t doing so well in Britain, be very glad you’ve pushed yourself. just sit and wait while everyone he said. But then the Ugandan Asians You may well find it’s like other leaps else gets on with their apparently came. They were educated. They knew of faith; once you have crossed that healthy relationships, but you how to run businesses. We copied them. threshold not only is it not as scary as have to find someone you feel So it’s some tale, but one of the you thought, it’s a really good feeling comfortable with. That doesn’t even messages at last week’s Exodus and an experience you want to repeat. necessarily mean someone you’re 40 Symposium at the Royal weidenbach most suited to being in a relationship Commonwealth Society, was with, just someone you can talk that precious little of it has been Don’t force yourself to about this stuff without feeling documented. That first generation There is no point forcing yourself to awkward. Trust me, if they’re a of pioneers is dying out. The do something that part of you doesn’t decent guy then they won’t care how challenge is to record their stories want to do, no matter how much most inexperienced you are. before it is too late. of you might want to do it! I agree that heyeveryone Vishva, 29, is doing her bit. A writer at 20 it’s time this took place, but you and former BBC journalist, she recently need to work out what is holding you aireda re a documentary, An African back. It would be easy enough to get Next week My brother and two Asian Affair, on Radio 4; a process that drunk and snog someone, but best to ‘MY BROTHER AND TWO close friends have alloweallowed her to get answers and accounts find out where these feelings of being FRIENDS HAVE MENTAL long-term mental from herh own family. Amin accused ILLNESSES. I FEEL LIKE uncomfortable with touch come from THERE’S NOT ENOUGH illnesses. I want to thoset ose expelled of being racist. Vishva, first. Try to get some help rather than OF ME TO GO AROUND’ be supportive but microphonemicro switched on, acutely force yourself into something. the demands are uncouncomfortable, felt obliged to ask if xtrapnel starting to affect my herer grgrandmother had been a racist. own health. I am juggling my toddler Some of it is still dark and painful. Think about control and new baby with phone calls and VishvaVish chaired a discussion on May I suggest you take some time emails from the three of them. If I don’t thet e N Nexte Generation, addressing the to think about the role “control” respond I am “ignoring them” (in their identityidentit challenges they face; how plays in your relationship with men? words). I feel as if there’s just not much the east African? How much the Progressing from flirting – which, enough of me to go around and I’m Indian?In How much the nomad? How though great fun, is, when looked emotionally exhausted trying to be too muchmu the Briton? What do they take at dispassionately, one of the most many things to so many people. How do fromfro the past? What course for the manipulative behaviours we possess – I withdraw, to focus on my own family, future?utu And what will they have to to kissing, almost inevitably involves without being hurtful? pass on to their children? The obvious some loss of physical and emotional legacyegacy would be stories from that control. If you can work out why you Email us at [email protected] pioneerpionee generation. But they will have resist this then you’ll probably crack it. or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, to overovercome 40 years of reticence first. 5432Hun Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU HughHu Muir

12.11.12 The Guardian 15

Arts Control, Control, chaos and

Brian Eno has a new album out. How best to sausagesexplain it? By hooking up with radical economist Ha-Joon Chang to debate everything from finance to free jazz. Caspar Llewellyn Smith listens in

t’s a very Brian Eno notion: economist is something of a star in that rather than submit to a normal increasingly starry calling, ever since the I interview, the 64-year-old poly- publication of his 23 Things They Don’t math wants to talk about his new Tell You About Capitalism – a book album through a conversation described by the Guardian as with the economist Ha-Joon Chang. “a masterful debunking of some of the Inevitably, the discussion, which takes myths of capitalism”. Born in South place in Eno’s offi ce in Notting Hill, Korea and now teaching at Cambridge London, barely touches on the record, University, Chang admits to being a fan Lux; instead, it ranges over another of of early Roxy Music – but, as soon his new creations (an app called Scape), becomes apparent, he and Eno have the value of art, and why numbers are more in common than that. like sausages. Eno met Chang through an editor at Brian Eno: There’s an issue we’re both the latter’s publisher. The 49-year old interested in – this middle ground

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G R O T O H P

16 The Guardian 12.11.12

Then you have a system that runs amok because everyone is cheating everyone in trying to beat them. The illusion that this rule-less system can organise itself h b l l i k has been proven completely mistaken – but we still have people wanting to believe in these extremes. BE: One of the things you’re doing Another view when you make art, apart from enter- The Limbless taining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel Association’s Stuart Holt good, what feels right. What gets the on Rust and Bone results you want? And for me, it isn’t top-down architecture that does that – but it’s not chaos, either. I don’t want to do free jazz! Because free jazz – which is Most people can’t imagine what it’s like the musical equivalent of free market- to lose a limb. I had both my legs ampu- eering – isn’t actually free at all. It’s just tated below the knee in 1997, after con- constrained by what your muscles can tracting meningitis and septicemia. I do. It turns out that anything that is was in an induced coma for two weeks; called free anything isn’t really. It’s just when I came round, my left leg was constraints that you don’t recognise. already gone, but the doctors instructed HJC: It’s a point I make in my book, when my wife not to tell me. When I realised I say there’s no such thing as a free market. what had happened, I cried and cried. The argument being that in all markets, This film does very well at putting there are some rules about what you across the psychological effects of limb can trade, how you can trade. We think loss. Stephanie, played by Marion some markets are free only because we Cotillard (above), is a young orca trainer totally accept those underlying rules. who loses both her legs above the knee We just don’t see them any more. following an incident with one of her Caspar Llewellyn Smith: Ha-Joon, killer whales. When she comes round presumably every economist has their in hospital and discovers her legs own idea of how the world should be have been amputated, she’s very organised. So isn’t it a very real problem distraught, and a period of depression when politicians come along, with their follows; she even seems to own agendas, and screw everything up? contemplate suicide. HJC: Oh yeah, but my view is that we I can’t recall ever feeling quite that don’t live by bread alone. These days, low – I had a lot of support from friends economics has become such an all- and family – but for the first 18 months, encompassing way of thinking that I was a swine to live with. You just can’t everything is supposed to justify its do what you used to do; one of the big- existence by how much money it makes. gest issues is sexual – you can’t imagine Are you making enough money as a feeling attractive again. That’s exactly university? Are you making enough how Stephanie feels: she initially money as a classical orchestra? But if you rejects the advances of Ali, the man she between control and chaos. Some ‘Let’s find a place try to create a world in which everything becomes involved with, because she economists say you can only have a in between’ … is driven by money and the market, the thinks she’s lost her sexual self. control model or a chaos model, that Eno and Chang world will be a much poorer place. Stephanie’s stumps are far too long you’re either a socialist or it’s all about in conversation Imagine if all those kings and dukes for someone who’s been amputated the free market. Whereas you say: hadn’t commissioned those crazy above the knee, however. Her electronic “Let’s find a place in between.” cathedrals, paintings and music … we’d limbs are also extremely expensive – This happens to be an issue with the still be living in sticks and mud. about £27,000 per leg. You can’t get those music I make. It’s made for a place Because none of those things made any on the NHS over here, and it’s hard to somewhere between architecture and economic sense. Human beings’ imagine that even her private health gardening. It’s not a situation where I’m capacity to “waste time” is a miracle – insurance would have covered them. finessing every tiny detail. I basically ‘Art is but that’s exactly what art is for! The first fitting of your artificial limbs set a process in motion and then watch BE: What is the value of a park? You is usually extremely painful, as we see it happen. You try to design the process the most can’t quantify it. We keep them in the film, but there’s just no way that carefully enough so you get the results because we’ve inherited them. But I’m Stephanie could be strolling along the you want and don’t have to intervene. endangered sure there’ll be a rightwing movement promenade on one stick after two days Ha-Joon Chang: That’s the approach I area of life – in the future that says, “Parks? What of walking practice. When I was first use in my economics. Central planners are they for ? People just wander about fitted with my legs, it was three thought they could control everything, because it’s in them – and there’s dog shit all over months before I was able to take them but there are always elements of uncer- not obvious the place. What’s the point of that? A home from hospital. Learning to walk tainty and surprise. But they then try to great big piece of real estate in the mid- again is a very slow, painful process. control even those. At the other extreme, how it makes dle of London that could be generating we have those free-market economists money’ income – we can quantify that.” Quan- Interview by Laura Barnett. Stuart Holt is a who think there need to be more rules – tification is a big temptation for society trustee of The Limbless Association (limbless- even that it’s OK to kill your competitor. Ha-Joon Chang because it looks like control. association.org). Rust and Bone is out now.

12.11.12 The Guardian 17

Arts

HJC: People tend to think that num- HJC: Once again, you have to strike a bers are quite objective, but numbers balance between control and the mar- in economics are not like this. Some ket. Your way of encouraging people to economists say they’re like sausages: make their own music with your new you don’t know what they really are app, Scape, is a good example of a dif- untilyoucutintothem Ofcourse the ferent sort of approach to working until you cut into them. Of course, the ferent sort of approach to working. more obscure a number is, the more BE: You drag shapes on to a screen to people tend to think it is objective. If create a picture, and each shape has its you say that the average American goes own sound, with its own set of hidden through three tubes of toothpaste a rules. For instance, “when a lot of things year, they kind of believe you. But if are happening at once, I’m going to you say it’s 3.72 tubes, they think: default into another mode of playing”; “Wow – that must be correct.” or “I only play in the evenings” – that Art is not the only area affected by sort of thing. Each piece of music this quantification – education has becomes a little musical ecology. been affected, family relationships, too HJC: I’ve been a big fan of your music – but I think art is the most endangered over the years. When I was growing up area of life. It’s not obvious how in South Korea in the 70s and early something makes money. Sometimes, 80s, the country was too poor to buy you have an artwork that you think is original records. Everything was boot- terrible, but then some billionaire is legged. The sound would be terrible: prepared to pay a huge amount for it, we used to call them tempura shop and suddenly it becomes valuable. And were disappointed I took the pop route Deep-fried in records – it sounded as if someone was you are supposed to like it because it’s because they thought I was a South Korea … a deep-frying them. expensive, and it must be expensive promising fine artist. But one of the Roxy Music-era This new album, Lux, was originally because it’s worth it. reasons I did is because I thought it Eno in 1972 created for a specific space, in Turin, I BE: When I went to art school, the was inherently healthier. It had a think [the Great Gallery of the Palace of choice was to enter the art world or the quasi-democratic basis that the art Venaria]. It’s very interesting to think pop world, and a lot of my teachers world doesn’t have at all. of a building as something more than just a physical structure: it’s also about its surroundings, its light, and its sound. People don’t tend to think of this, but our sense of a building can really be affected by its sound. BE: Especially with this building, because it has the longest reverbera- tion you can imagine. Treating sound as a physical material was only really possible from the time of recording onwards. As soon as people started making recordings, they took sound out of time and put it into space. It goes from being transitory and ephem- eral to being something you can almost handle. I call that the materialisation of music. So everything I’ve been doing, really, has been to do with realising sound can be a material: if you’re now

onethinking of the about materials a building, you can this consider. can be HJC: As a consumer, I don’t create art, but I think whatever the message is, ‘After art art has to touch you. I like all kinds of music – classical, pop, rock, electronic. school, I Somehow, as a consumer, you know went into when something is good and when something is bad. S N pop because CLS: It’s interesting that you use the R E word “consumer” – that we live in a F D I thought E world now in which art is something you R / E it was consume, not something you practise. K O Art becomes a ready-made lifestyle. O healthier – C HJC: Yes, but I took two years of piano N I A it had a lessons when I was seven and eight, R B and that was it. H P democratic A BE: That’s more than I took. R G T O basis’ O Read a longer version of this article at guardian. H Brian Eno co.uk/music. Lux is released today on Warp. P

18 The Guardian 12.11.12

orgos Lanthimos sits at I’ll be your substitute … the table outside a pub, Aggeliki Papoulia in Alps Y bundled up in jacket and fleece, his breath visible commercials,” he says. “I learned in the autumn air. While about it by watching films.” He he talks, I can’t decide what’s more chuckles. “Even today I’m not sure telling:thefactthatLanthimos the why I make films or what makes me telling: the fact that Lanthimos, the why I make films or what makes me most talented Greek director of his want films. I think it’s other people’s generation, has just made a film about films. Whenever I see a really great dead people; or the fact that he’s now film, I think, ‘I want to make a film like quit Greece to live in Britain instead. that.’ And then I never do.” Maybe he grew weary of his role At the end of 2011, he upped sticks as a coal-miner’s canary. For now, for London, where he now shares a more than ever, it’s tempting to view home with his girlfriend, the actor Lanthimos’s gloriously grotesque, Ariane Labed, who takes the role of off-kilter pictures as an ongoing Nurse’s rival substitute. He admits autopsy of contemporary Greece the financial crash was a factor, yet – a portrait of a nation on the cusp stresses he has always wanted to work of collapse. His 2005 debut, Kinetta, elsewhere, to shoot films in English. was an acid drama about the thrill of “I’m interested in many different homicide; 2009’s Oscar-nominated things,” he says. “I guess I just want Dogtooth was a nail-bitingly to evolve.” claustrophobic fable about the hell Does he have mixed feelings about of the gated community. His latest, the move? One could argue Greece Alps, pushes the inquiry to its logical only risks sinking further into the red if conclusion: a ghost story of sorts, its most talented citizens start jumping it charts the fortunes of low-rent ship in search of better territory. operatives who serve as “substitutes” Autopsy “Well,” says Lanthimos with a laugh. for the recently deceased, filling the “I made three films in Greece under hole at the heart of bereaved families very diffi cult circumstances, so I think in a modern-day Athens that looks I’ve served my time. But I don’t see it suspiciously like a necropolis. as jumping ship. It’s not abandonment. “It’s like the other side of One day I’ll go back. It might be sooner Dogtooth,” he explains. “Dogtooth was The maker of Dogtooth is back – with rather than later.” about someone trying to break out of a for Athens Right now, the 39-year-old is family, and here it’s about breaking in. a typically off-kilter film about people between projects. He has plans to The tonal sensibility is much the same, shoot a period drama set during the but the films are going in opposite who are hired to stand in for the reign of Queen Anne. He has plans directions.” In either case, the way recently deceased. Xan Brooks to shoot an update of Daniel Defoe’s ahead is fraught with peril. Journal of the Plague Year, chasing the The first time I saw Alps, I pegged it meets Greece’s Yorgos Lanthimos run of a pandemic through modern- as brilliant black comedy; the second day London. He is bouncing between time as out-and-out tragedy. Aggeliki meetings, unsure which script will Papoulia stars as the sad-eyed “Nurse”, spark up first. “There’s much more whose dedication to her work leads activity in England than in Greece,” he her worryingly off-piste. One moment says ruefully. “Or at least there’s a lot she’s impersonating a teenage tennis more development, which obviously ace who was killed in a car wreck; the brings another set of problems.” next she’s a dead lover who enjoyed questionnaire is funny because it is so I ask how he likes London and wading into chilly seas while herr superficial.superficia It tells us nothing about he says he likes it fine, even if he’s adoring partner watched from thehe the wholewhol human being. But maybe constantly on the move, unable to put beach. Nurse parrots the lines andnd itt sshowsows a little glimpse of them in down roots. “I love the weather,” he replays precious moments. “Coldld is the moment.”mom says. “I love the food. Both me and my a word that winter swimmers don’ton’t Who is his own favourite foreign girlfriend really like our food, so we try know,” she assures her employerr actor? “In the moment?” The to eat out as much as possible. It’s OK, through chattering teeth. director gives a sheepish shrug. I don’t know. I might be here a while, Lanthimos insists he has neverer “Daniel“Dani Day-Lewis.” I might be gone next month. I’m living felt the need of a substitute him-- AlpsA was shot in the teeth of like a tourist.” self, although he relishes the the financial crisis, as backers I leave Lanthimos out amid the film’s idea of a human contract, pulledpu out and the budget elements, miles from home, in search an agreement that establishes dwindled.d But the problems of fresh ideas. Oddly enough, it’s a role the rules of a relationship and with the Greek film industry that seems to suit him, a lifestyle that guarantees that all parties are have still deeper roots. chimes with his peculiarly deadpan, reading from the same script. Lanthimos explains there freeze-dried sensibility. That’s the He also likes the comedy of the is no infrastructure, no thing about winter swimmers: they questionnaire, in which clients training – nothing to nurture never feel the cold. are asked to list their dearly young talent. “I learned beloved’s favourite pastimes, about making films by going Alps is out now. food and “foreign actor”. “The into advertising, making

12.11.12 The Guardian 19

Arts

Digested read John Crace Tom couldn’t believe his luck. $10,000 per page to write on Critic's notebook steroids That’s America baby! Forget the single play steroids. :::: Thats America, baby! :::: Forget the single play – give me an entire oeuvre Michael Billington

Title Back to Blood advance. And I’ll do what I want. Over the years, I’ve been to seasons of Author Tom Wolfe WHOOP. WHOOP. WHOOOP. And leave plays by at the Gate thea- Publisher Jonathan Cape that extra O on there, right? So I tell tre in Dublin, by Sarah Kane at Berlin’s you what happens next. There’s going Schaubühne and, most recently, by Price £20 to be a new sub-plot about how Sergei Christopher Hampton at the Guthrie in SMACK. Thadaboom. the Russian oligarch donated $70m Minneapolis. Yet, astonishingly, such SMACK. Thahadaboom. of forged modern art to the events rarely happen here. The The Safe Boat thadat- Miiiiiiiiammm-oooow Gallery. Sheffi eld Crucible has broken the hunks its foam-filled :::: Zanks fer nuzzink :::: “So I am mould by devoting seasons to Michael fuckery across Miami – anuzzer lazeee stereotype like everywon Frayn, David Hare and Peter Gill, and MEEE-AH-MEE – bay. zelse,” said Sergei. “WOW WOW WOW director Laurie Sansom at Northampton “Dere’s a fuckin’ Wetfoot a rich RUSHAN with Art” said gave us an illuminating Ayckbourn at da top a dat fuckin’ Magadelena :::: Art who? No retrospective. Generally, however, mast a dat boat,” yelled Sergeant Kite. KANDINSKY? NO KANDONTSKY! you have to travel abroad for in-depth Offi cer Nestor Camacho rolled up his Better get my sucketysucketysuck examinations of British dramatists. sleeves. His biceps were ripped. Taut. hypnopompic lips in gear :::: Some might argue that such seasons :::: What the fuck was he doing thinking Whoosh. Bash. Bish. Kapow.. The T e are chiefly of interest to critics. But this like this inside this crazy, mashed-up black police chief had switched Nestor is palpable nonsense. In other art punctuation? :::: Tappetytaptappe- away from the Cubanas to keep himhim forms, it is commonplace to focus on tytaptaptap. KER-CHING! Tom couldn’t out of trouble, and now he’d onlyy the work of an individual. London’s believe his luck. $10,000 per page to gone and taken down some BFI Southbank is in the middle of a write on steroids. :::: Like taking candy black beefcake cracking crack season devoted to the films of Alexander from babies. That’s America, baby :::: king in a headheadheadlock Mackendrick. Conductor Valery Gergiev “ ¡Madre de Dios!” yelled Nestor’s only his partner had been and the London Symphony Orchestra father. “You’re no national hero. You filmed calling the guy a nigger are in the midst of a leisurely explora- traidor. You betray your blood. The guy :::: Dios, I swear I no racist :::: “I know tion of the symphonies of Brahms and was 17 feet from freedom, and you send that. But round here bloodisbloodis- Szymanowski. With the addition of him back to Fidel?” Nestor reeled back- blood. You’re suspended, Camacho.” films, talks and panel discussions, you wards out of the room :::: At least I have “Whoawhoawhoaza,” get the thing audiences seem to crave: my Malena. Mia preciosa Magdalena screeeeeched Tommmmeeee. “I the sense of an event. con los grandes bazookas :::: ain’t finished with the badblood, Audiences, like critics, enjoy “Thass wat you think, Nestor,” said city-divided shit so I’m gonna bring in discovering the links between seemingly Magdalena, adjusting her skirt to make Creole Ghislaine who got a brudder disparate works. When the Crucible sure her bootycrack – HER BUM-BUM- into pants down to his knees kinda staged Benefactors and Copenhagen BUM – made it into this paragraph. gang stuff. And you, Nestor, are going together, you began to understand how “The thing is, I’ve just met this new to sort it in your UNEEEEK idididiot all of Frayn’s characters wrestle with man.” :::: Not quite true. She’d been savant style.” the problem of seeking to impose dating her boss, Norman the porn :::: Yesssiryesssirr :::: STADUNG KA- structure on an intractable universe. shrink, for a while now :::: PUNG. The forger was whacked. Sergei And it was fascinating to see back-to- Slurparlurparlurp, lubberly lubberly busted. LE TOUTTOUTTOUT literary back productions of Hampton’s Tales pussy. It felt good to be able to write monde laughlaughlaughing at the art from Hollywood and his new play, dirty as Norman’s priapic pimped purple world. Magadalena plumped her hyp- Appomattox, in Minneapolis. In both car pushed its velvet rims towards the nopompic labioplastic lips :::: Madre. you saw an anguished liberal confront- orgy while his billionaire patient beat Tom. He could no be so stupidopido to use ing a downright radical: Horvath and on his festering, ulcerous dick for the a word like hypnopompic twice Brecht in the first play, LBJ and Martin 14th time that morning. “Buy yourself :::: “Get away from my whiteite Luther King in the second. some modern art, Maurice,” said linen suit,” Tomtomtom I’ve long argued that any company Norman, as Magdalena bobbobbobbed Tomed. “The money is that had the wit to stage Chekhov’s on his slithery slipperiness. mine. And I’ll use hypnop-- four great plays in sequence would not E S A “What’s wrong with you, Tom?” ompic as often as I like.” only clean up at the box offi ce, but help E L Maurice screamed. :::: Jesus, my rancid “OKOKOK,” Nestor- us to better understand a great writer. B T T cock aches. Can’t you give your obses- nestornestor nestored. But there’s fat chance of that happening A M here, where – Shakespeare aside – sion with the pointlessness of modern art “So now I’m back in da N I O a break? You’ve been going on about it police, which broad do I everything is a one-off event. I reckon T A for decades, and we all get the point :::: get to badaboom?” I’ll have to go on travelling to see R T S “Fuck the lot of you,” Tom stomp- Digested read, digested: British dramatists, living or dead, U L stomphuffed. “It’s my book. My Back to bollocks. given the seasonal treatment. I L

20 The Guardian 12.11.12

Television

here was plenty of big TV About to lay down his tools for good … around at the weekend Tony Robinson presents Time Team T – , dancing, Nadine’s jungle jaunt, the because this was a very camp camp. Carrie’n’Brody show. All It’s interesting – there are some good of which is being covered elsewhere, stories haunting Belton. Sad stories of which is being covered elsewhere, stories haunting Belton. Sad stories in blogs and in the news section. Here, mostly, as once they were trained and then, is a review of the television you had finished their cocoa, these young probably didn’t watch. No, don’t go men were packed off to the western away. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t front to be shot at by Germans. But see it, stay, it’s going to be fun. most of these stories come from people Following the recent news that Time – the young men’s grandchildren, who Team is to be axed, the experience of inherited their possessions and note- watching The Forgotten Gunners of The weekend's TV books, historians, locals etc – rather WW1 – A Time Team Special (Chan- than what comes out of the ground. nel 4, Sunday) is tinged with melan- Time Team told us stories They find more things – part of a clay choly. Like visiting an ageing relative pipe, and the end of a swagger stick. – a fairly distant one you don’t see about the first world war – They find empty shells, which tells them often but whom you have some affec- where the shooting range was. Finally tion for – soon after they have been they find a bit of a building. “We have got diagnosed with a terminal illness. The mostly very sad ones a surefire hut wall,” says a beardy man, final series will go out next year, and looking down at a line of concrete in the there will be a further four specials earth. “I’m really excited about that. This broadcast in 2013 and 2014. Then they is a 100% genuine hut wall.” will fill in the holes and lay down their Exciting indeed, but it’s not quite tools for good, and Time Team itself the Rosetta Stone, is it? will sink slowly into the past. Maybe I’ve been enjoying How Britain to one day be rediscovered, unearthed Worked (, Sunday), about by an archaeologist of culture, digging By Sam Wollaston the machines of the industrial

entertainmenaround to discovert way whatback atpeople the end did of for maybe they’ll disinter a replacement themrevolution. Not just and becausethe men I who am actually operated the 20th and start of the 21st centuries. for Robin van Persie. They have some quite interested in the workings of a It’s not quite gone yet, though, and fun with an old Vickers machine gun, Newcomen beam engine, invented Baldrick (Tony Robinson will always shooting at golfers on the adjacent golf in the early 18th century to pump be Baldrick, I’m afraid) and his hairy course. Shame it’s just blanks they are water out of mines. But also because pals are digging at Belton House, near firing, like Marouane Chamakh. I do I’ve been enjoying Guy Martin, who Grantham. Not too deeply. They are apologise, not for wanting the golfers presents it. only going back a century or so, to the mown down, but for being sidetracked A Lincolnshire lorry mechanic, he time when Belton’s grounds were the by football. doesn’t just get the machinery, he site of a massive army camp where the So they find a nail, and a bit of old loves it. And the work – sorry, graft – Machine Gun Corps trained for action glass. And a piece of white pottery with and the grease, which he’s generally on the western front. There’s something YMCA written on it. There was a YMCA covered in. An enthusiast, with a nice appropriate about digging trenches for the soldiers on the camp – “You can turn of phrase, a wild look in his eye, 4 to find out about the first world war. get yourself clean, you can have a good wild hair, and sideburns that make L E N They don’t have a lot to go on, meal, you can do whatever you feel … Bradley Wiggins’s look like a girl’s. Guy N A as most of the Corps records were Young man.” And they could have a AND ANOTHER is faster on two wheels than Wiggo H C destroyed. “Our dig could help put Horlicks or a cocoa in a pink pint mug THING is too. He’s a world-class motorcycle P H A the gunners back on the map,” says (they find a piece of one of those as racer. The scary kind, on the roads, like R G Baldrick, cunningly. Good news for well). The mugs were pink so that they Ha, Full English the Isle of Man TT. And he’s like no one O T (Channel 4, 11.50pm O Arsène Wenger (I’m writing before showed up if any young gunners tried else on the telly, a 200bhp, 200mph H P Saturday’s game against Fulham) – to sneak them back to their huts, not tonight). Funny. blast of fresh air. That’s proper, that is.

12.11.12 The Guardian 21

FilmF of the day SubmarineS (9pm, Film4) TV and radio Hard to resist this sweet-natured romcom from The IT Crowd’s RichardR Ayoade. It’s the story of 15-year-old Oliver Tate (Craig Roberts),R who is determined to lose his virginity before he hits 16.

BBC1 BBC2 ITV1 Channel 4

6.0pm BBC News (S) 6.0pm Eggheads 6.0pm Local News (S) 6.0pm The Simpsons Weather (R) (S) Weather (S) (AD) Homer takes 6.30 Regional News 6.30 Strictly Come 6.30 ITV News And up bounty hunting. Programmes (S) Dancing — It Takes Weather (S) 6.30 (S) Weather Two (S) Zoe Ball hosts (AD) Will Tony reveal the weekday fanzine. his secret?

7.0 The One Show 7.0 Celebrity 7.0 Emmerdale (S) 7.0 Channel 4 News (S) Presented by Alex Antiques Road Trip (AD) Kerry tries to (S) Jones and Matt Baker. (S) Green Green Grass bond with Amy. 7.55 4thought.tv (S) 7.30 Inside Out (S) stars Sue Holderness 7.30 Coronation Is faith is a matter of Full English, Channel 4 Regional stories. and hunt Street (S) (AD) nature or nurture? (Followed by BBC for antiques in and Maria splits up with a News; Regional News.) around Essex. Profits confused Jason. Watch this go to Children in Need.

Crime Stories Alex Scarfe (son of politi- 8.0 EastEnders (S) 8.0 University 8.0 Little England 8.0 Chinese Murder 2pm, ITV1 cal cartoonist Gerald) and (AD) Cora explains her Challenge (S) (S) Jonathan and Kath Mystery: Channel 4 Co-created by the people animated by Rough Draft, recent behaviour to Cambridge colleges Croft-White get to Dispatches Special who brought us The Bill, the California studio behind Patrick. Homerton and King’s work on their campsite (S) Report on the 8.30 Panorama (S) battle it out. Jeremy ahead of an inspection. death of British here’s a peculiar and rather Seth MacFarlane’s Emmy- Paxman hosts. 8.30 Coronation businessman Neil worthy hybrid of fact and winning hit. It even apes 8.30 MasterChef: Street (S) (AD) Steve Heywood in China in fiction – a fake fly-on-the- the signature cutaway gags. The Professionals (S) struggles to keep up November 2011. Another 10 chefs enter with the pace during a wall police procedural, There’s a decent voice cast, the kitchen. five-a-side game. starring a former real-life including Richard Ayoade detective chief superin- and Kayvan Novak, but pre- 9.0 Richard 9.0 The Dark 9.0 I’m A Celebrity 9.0 999: What’s Your tendent (Jane Antrobus). cious few laughs. Ben Arnold Hammond’s Miracles Charisma Of Adolf Get Me Out Of Emergency? (S) It’s certainly plodding and Of Nature (S) (AD) Hitler (S) (AD) New Here! (S) One of the Blackpool’s emergency The presenter learns series. Laurence Rees celebrities takes on the services deal with enough to be Ottolenghi’s how elephants explores how and why first bushtucker trial. incidents involving authentic – though does Mediterranean Feast communicate through Hitler connected so visitors to the town.

chuck in the odd Columbo- 9pm, More4 blindsolid rockcyclist and who meets relies a ofstrongly Germans. with millions style red herring to keep Israeli-born chef and on fruit bats to get him us interested. In this series purveyor of deliciousness down a bike trail. opener, DI Jane and DS Ben Yotam Ottolenghi skips off Shaw (Hollyoaks’ Ben Hull) to feast on flavours from 10.0 BBC News (S) 10.0 Never Mind The 10.0 ITV News At Ten 10.0 8 Out Of 10 Cats investigate the case of a care Morocco, Turkey, Tunisia 10.25 Regional News Buzzcocks (S) Richard And Weather (S) (S) Jimmy Carr hosts. And Weather (S) Ayoade hosts. Guests 10.30 Local News/ 10.50 Full English home resident who’s had his and Israel. He kicks off this 10.35 Imagine (S) include Ed Sheeran and Weather (S) (S) (AD) New satirical money stolen. Ali Catterall opening episode in Mar- Form prodigy to global Caroline Flack. 10.35 The Agenda (S) animation series rakech, proving that even star, the life and career 10.30 (S) Talk show hosted by centred on a family. of Chinese pianist Lang With Emily Maitlis. ITV’s , First up, daughter Eve The Dark Charisma if you can’t pop down your Lang. Presented by (Followed by Weather.) Tom Bradby. enters her band into Of Adolf Hitler local medina you can still Alan Yentob. Britain’s Got Talent. 9pm, BBC2 use herbs such as mint, Debut of a three-part series saffron and coriander in seeking to explain one of your everyday cooking. It’s 11.20 Dragons’ Den 11.05 Training Day 11.20 Random Acts (R) (S) Pitches include (Antoine Fuqua, 2001) (S) Short arts film. history’s great inexplicables: not just about the recipes an oven cleaner and a (S) (AD) A rookie cop 11.25 Alan Carr: how and why did the – he really gets stuck in, backpack that can be is partnered with a Chatty Man (R) (S) civilised people of a great breakfasting with fisher- used to tow children veteran narcotics With guests Jamie on ski slopes. offi cer. Taut thriller Oliver, Jimmy Doherty, European nation, as late as men and preserving his featuring an Oscar- the Wanted, Taylor the mid-20th century, fall own lemons. The fishballs, winning turn from Swift and the Killers. so far beneath the thrall of barbecued lamb and sea bass Denzel Washington. (Shown Friday.) a ranting, paranoid dingbat look tasty, as does the loca- With Ethan Hawke. with a silly moustache? This tion of his rooftop kitchen. opening episode seeks to Hannah Verdier to explore the story of big virtuoso Alison Balsom. pianist Matthew Shipp live Radio band jazz from the 1920s 6.30 Composer Of The Week: in concert with his trio at distil what it was that mil- onwards. Big Band. (R) the London Jazz Festival, 1.0 Radio 3 Lunchtime 7.30 Radio 3 Live In Concert. featuring Michael Bisio on lions of Germans loved – and Concert. French cellist The BBC National Orchestra bass and Whit Dickey on they did – about Adolf Hit- Gautier Capucon and of Wales performs Bruch’s drums. Radio 3 Venezuelan pianist Gabriela First with 12.30 Through The Night. ler. Contemporary footage, 90.2-92.4 MHz Montero perform a lyrical Tasmin Little, Elgar’s Including music by Bruckner, and an archive of interviews programme of Beethoven, Cockaigne Overture and Bach, Wolfram Buchenberg, 6.30 Breakfast. Music, Schumann and Grieg, live Rachmaninov’s Symphonic Rheinberger, Hummel, Elgar, with witnesses, paints a news and the occasional from London’s Wigmore Dances, live from Cardiff. Beethoven, Mendelssohn, surprise, presented by Sara Hall. 10.0 Free Thinking. Amos Szymanowski, Dvorak, gripping portrait of an entire Mohr-Pietsch. 9.0 Essential 2.0 Afternoon On 3. This Oz gives a talk on the Middle Mozart, Telemann, Schubert nation under the sway of Classics. With Sarah Walker. week, Katie Derham East and the prospect of and Langgaard. Including the Essential CD: presents recent concerts by future co-existence between evil. Andrew Mueller Five Italian Oboe Concertos the BBC SSO, today joined Israel and Palestine, Radio 4 played by Nicholas Daniel, by the BBC Singers and BBC recorded at the Radio 3 Free 92.4-94.6 MHz; 198kHz performances by pianist Concert Orchestra, with a Thinking Festival. focus on music reflecting 10.45 The Free Thinking Full English Noriko Ogawa, and this 6.0 Today. 9.0 Start Armistice Day. Essay: New Generation week’s guest, author Anne The Week. With Kevin 10.50pm, Channel 4 In Tune. With the Thinkers. Martin Goodman Fine. 4.30 Macdonald, Roger Graef, 2012 London Jazz Festival gives a talk on the perils Comparisons to Family 12.0 Composer Of The Week: Aman Sethi and Jenny under way, Sean Rafferty of writing biographies, Big Band. During the London Uglow. 9.45 (LW) Daily Jazz Festival this week, welcomes pianist and recorded at the Radio 3 Free Service. (FM) Book Of composer Gwilym Simcock, Thinking Festival. 9.45 Guy will be inevitable with Donald Macleod is joined The Week: Former People. Full English, a new cartoon who performs in the studio. Jazz On 3. Jez Nelson by trumpeter, composer 11.0 By Douglas Smith. Abridged comedy series designed by Ottolenghi’s Mediterranean Feast, More4 and conductor Guy Barker He also meets trumpet presents avante-garde

22 The Guardian 12.11.12

Full TV listings For comprehensive programme details see the Guardian Guide every Saturday or go to tvlistings.guardian.co.uk/

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6.0pm Home And 6.20pm Come Dine 6.0pm House (R) The E4 April hostage. 10.0 Switch. Away (R) (S) (AD) With Me (R) (S) A medic treats a senator 6.0pm The Big Bang Grace’s new relationship Theory. Leonard, Raj and appears to be going well. Roo and Harvey argue quartet from Cornwall who collapsed at a Howard go camping. 6.30 11.0 I’m A Celebrity Get Me about his infidelity. compete in the dinner- fundraising rally. The Big Bang Theory. Out Of Here Now! News and 6.30 5 News At 6.30 party challenge. Kripke plays a prank on gossip from the camp. 12.0 (S) Sheldon. 7.0 Hollyoaks. Girlfri3nds. The contest (S) Sheldon. 7.0 Hollyoaks. Girlfri3nds. The contest The morning of the double reaches its final stages. wedding arrives. 7.30 How I Met Your Mother. Sky1 7.0 Wild Things With 7.0pm The Real 7.0pm World News 7.30 Hugh’s 3 Good 7.0 House (R) Vogler Ted loses his job. 8.0 6.0pm Futurama. Fry and Dominic Monaghan Hustle: Celebrity Today (S) Weather Things (S) Hugh is determined to get New Girl. The flatmates Leela get trapped on a (R) (S) The Lord of Chancers (R) (S) 7.30 Timothy Spall: Fearnley-Whittingstall House fired. celebrate Thanksgiving. planet of human-hating the Rings and Lost Shane Lynch guests. All At Sea (R) (S) (AD) prepares a lamb 8.30 Suburgatory. Dallas robots. 6.30 The Simpsons. star hunts for a 7.30 Live Tennis: ATP The actor and wife chop with feta and celebrates the opening Mr Burns receives a blood of her new store. 9.0 transfusion from Bart. giant centipede in World Tour Finals Shane hit bad weather tomatoes, plus a slow- Derren Brown: Fear And 7.0 The Simpsons. Homer Venezuela. (Shown (S) Sue Barker hosts out in the North Sea. roasted shoulder of Faith. Part one of two. buys Lisa a pony. 7.30 The Friday; followed by 5 coverage of the singles lamb with potatoes The showman removes Simpsons. A psychiatrist News Update.) final on day eight, and mushrooms. people’s feelings of fear. recommends the family 10.0 Made In Chelsea. rehomes Santa’s Little from the O2 in London. Cheska tries to cheer Binky Helper. 8.0 Arrow. The up by taking her to a saucy vigilante asks Laurel to help workshop. 11.05 The prove a murder suspect’s 8.0 The All New 8.0 Nature’s 8.0 Grand Designs 8.0 Seinfeld (R) (S) Work Experience. Colby innocence. 9.0 Ross Kemp: Gadget Show (S) Microworlds (R) (S) (R) (S) (AD) A scientist Kramer gets a job in a gives designer Tom Codd’s The Invisible Wounded. Jason Bradbury and The ecosystem of the employs untested soap opera. sample collection to a Post-traumatic stress Pollyanna Woodward African Serengeti. technology as he tries 8.30 Seinfeld (R) (S) mysterious woman. 11.40 disorder among ex-service Fresh Meat. Josie makes an personnel. 10.0 Game Of head to Iceland to test 8.30 Only Connect to build a carbon- Meryl pretends to be error of judgement. Thrones. Ned struggles out hi-tech binoculars (S) Charity celebrity neutral home in Jerry’s wife in order to to save Arya’s life. 11.15 while whale-watching. edition. Guests include Boxford, Suffolk. get a discount on her Film4 NCIS: Los Angeles. A Marine (Followed by 5 News Charlie Higson, dry cleaning. 7.10pm Post Grad. is found murdered minus Comedy, starring Alexis a hand. At 9.) Matthew Parris and Bledel. 8.50 Submarine Rosie Boycott. Special. Richard Ayoade Sky Arts 1 discusses his debut 6.0pm Songbook. as a film director. 9.0 Will Hodgkinson talks 9.0 High Plains 9.0 The First Master 9.0 Ottolenghi’s 9.0 Don’t Sit In The Submarine. Comedy drama, to singer- Drifter (Clint Chef: Michel Roux Mediterranean Feast Front Row (S) With starring Craig Roberts. Donovan. 7.0 Hay Sessions Eastwood, 1973) On Escoffi er (S) (S) (AD) New series. Frank Skinner, Andrew 10.50 Alfie. Comedy 2012. Author Chimamanda drama, starring Michael Ngozi Adichie talks to (S) Director and star Michel Roux Jr profiles Starting in Marrakech Maxwell and Susan Caine. Emily Perkins. 8.0 Frank Eastwood resurrects Georges Auguste with the city’s street Calman. Presented by Lloyd Wright. Concluding his man-with-no-name Escoffi er, a chef who food, chef Yotam Jack Dee. FX the profile of the architect. persona in an eerie, revolutionised French Ottolenghi explores 9.30 Alan Partridge’s 6.0pm Leverage. Nate 9.0 Classic Albums. Meat supernatural-tinged cuisine and the way the cuisine of the Mid Morning Matters demolished.helps stop a church7.0 NCIS. being 10.0Loaf’s Meat Bat OutLoaf: of In Hell. Search frontier western. top kitchens were run. southern and eastern (R) Alan attends a DiNozzo becomes obsessed Of Paradise. Behind the Mediterranean. wine-tasting session. with finding a murder scenes of the singer’s 2007 victim’s sister. 8.0 NCIS. The tour. 11.30 Meat Loaf agents track down a serial Live With The Melbourne 10.30 EastEnders (R) 10.0 The Chef Who 10.0 Big Fat Gypsy 10.0 Girls (S) Jessa killer. 9.0 Burn Notice. The Symphony Orchestra. A (S) (AD) Cora explains Conquered New Weddings (R) (S) (AD) thinks Hannah should team plots to bring an end 2004 concert by the rock to Anson’s plans. Last in singer. her recent behaviour York: Serving Up Irish traveller Mary and embrace her boss’s the series. 10.0 True Blood. to Patrick. Paul Liebrandt her family prepare to advances for the sake Eric plots his escape from TCM — Storyville (S) move to a new location of literary inspiration. the midst of the Authority. 7.25pm Fort Massacre. Documentary tracing before the can 10.35 Nurse Jackie 11.0 The Booth At The End. Western, starring Joel New series. The Man offers McCrea. 9.0 Deep Blue Sea. the Stateside career of stop them. 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and produced by Jill Waters. 3.30 The Food Programme. 8.0 Document. The role of 12.30 Book Of The Week: Bowen’s Men Of Fashion Count Arthur Strong’s Radio 4.0 News 4.06 HARDtalk 10.0 Woman’s Hour. 11.0 Featuring finalists from the the BBC Hungarian Service in Former People. By Douglas 2.30 God’s Architect: Show! 2.30 Legal, Decent, 4.30 5.0 World The Naughty Pictures Food and Farming Awards. the Second World War. Last Smith. Abridged and Pugin And The Building Of Honest And Truthful 3.0 Briefing 5.30 World Business Committees. Laurie Taylor (R) in the series. produced by Jill Waters. (R) Romantic Britain Show Boat 4.0 Chattering Report 6.0 World Have Your marks the centennial of 4.0 Tim Key And Gogol’s 8.30 Analysis. The prospects 12.48 Shipping Forecast 2.45 Other People’s Children 4.15 Loose Ends 5.0 Like Say 7.0 World Briefing 7.30 the BBFC. Overcoat. The comedian for democratic pluralism in 3.0 Show Boat They’ve Never Been Gone Discovery 7.50 From Our 11.30 55 And Over. New tells his own version of the Arab world. Last in the Radio 4 Extra 4.0 The 4 O’Clock Show 5.30 Safety Catch Own Correspondent 8.0 series. Peter Souter’s Nikolai Gogol’s story The series. Digital only 5.0 Like They’ve Never News 8.06 HARDtalk 8.30 romantic comedy. Overcoat. 9.0 Material World. With Been Gone World Service The Strand 8.50 Witness 12.0 News 4.30 The Digital Human. The Quentin Cooper. (R) 5.30 Safety Catch 9.0 10.0 News 6.0 Orphans In Waiting Digital and 198 kHz 12.04 You And Yours. 12.57 potential impact of advances 9.30 Start The Week. With 6.0 The Price Of Fear 10.06 Outlook 10.30 World 6.30 White Heat 7.0 Safety after R4 Weather in technology on the human Kevin Macdonald, Roger 6.30 Weird Tales Business Report 11.0 World Catch 7.30 The Museum Of 1.0 . 1.45 character. Last in the series. Graef, Aman Sethi and Jenny 7.0 Beyond Our Ken Briefing 11.30 Business Curiosity 8.0 Beyond Our 8.30 8.50 In Pursuit Of The Ridiculous. 5.0 PM. With Eddie Ma ir. Uglow. 7.30 Steptoe And Son Daily 11.50 Witness 12.0 Ken 8.30 Steptoe And Son Sports News 9.0 News 9.06 New series. Matthew 5.57 Weather 9.59 Weather 8.0 Orphans In Waiting World Briefing 12.30 9.0 Count Arthur Strong’s HARDtalk 9.30 The Strand Oates presents a series 6.0 Six O’Clock News 10.0 . 8.30 White Heat Discovery 12.50 Sports Radio Show! 9.30 Legal, 9.50 Witness 10.0 World about naturalists and their 6.30 I’m Sorry I Haven’t A With Ritula Shah. 9.0 Chattering News 1.0 World Briefing Decent, Honest And Truthful Update World Have pursuits. Clue. New series. The return 10.45 Book At Bedtime: 9.15 Loose Ends 11.0 1.30 World Business 10.0 Show Boat Your Say The Why 2.0 The Archers. Romance is of the long-running comedy The Liar’s Gospel. By Naomi 10.0 Comedy Club: The 11.30 Report 1.50 From Our Own 11.0 Chattering Factor From Our Own in the air. (R) panel show. Alderman. Abridged by Sally Museum Of Curiosity 11.50 Correspondent 11.15 Loose Ends Correspondent 12.0 News 2.15 Afternoon Drama: 7.0 The Archers. Joe shows Marmion. 10.30 Count Arthur Strong’s 2.0 News 2.06 HARDtalk 12.0 Beyond Our Ken 12.06 Outlook 12.30 The Children In Need: All The off his new purchase. 11.0 Mastertapes. John Radio Show! 2.30 Outlook 3.0 12.30 Steptoe And Son Strand 12.50 Witness 1.0 Blood In My Veins. By Katie 7.15 Front Row. Arts Wilson talks to Suzanne 11.0 The Now Show 3.30 The Strand 3.50 1.0 Orphans In Waiting News 1.06 HARDtalk 1.30 Hims. (R) and culture programme, Vega. 11.30 On Baby Street Witness 4.0 Newsday 3.0 Round Britain Quiz. presented by Mark Lawson. 11.30 Today In Parliament. 1.30 White Heat 12.0 The Price Of Fear 12.30 Business Daily 1.50 Sports 4.30 Discovery 4.50 From 2.0 The Color Purple News Newshour Teams from Wales and 7.45 Children In Need: Jess’ Sean Curran presents. Weird Tales 1.0 Orphans In 2.0 3.0 Our Own Correspondent 2.15 Laurence Llewelyn- World Briefing 3.30 Outlook Northern Ireland. Story. By Nell Leyshon. 12.0 News And Weather Waiting 1.30 White Heat 2.0 5.0 Newsday

12.11.12 The Guardian 23

Puzzles On the web crosswordFor tips and debates all manner go to of guardian.co.uk/crosswords

Quick crossword no 13,264 Sudoku no 2,342

Across 1 2 3 4 5 1 Stop right there! — 4 7 Slower! (3,2,4) 6 7

8 Lacking any 8 9 competence (5) 6 7 9 3 competence (5) 67 93 9 Hot Mediterranean wind (7) 3 7 5 10 Folded square scarf 10 11 worn on head or shoulders (8) 12 9 45 3 11 An arm (and a leg) (4) 13 Spanish dish of rice, 13 14 shellfish and chicken 4 9 7 6 (6) 15 14 Clumsy (6) 16 17 16 Ungulate’s foot (4) 1 63 2 17 Italian restaurant (8) 18 . 19 Lottery with a rotating 6 4 19 20 8 1 4 8 drum (7) 6 3 20 Contradict (5) 3 3 0 21 Batman’s Robin (3,6) 54 61 3 3 0 21 l a Down c r o 1 Kernel holder (8) 2 8 k u . 2 Bunch of hanging o 15 Magician (from Oz?) (6) Solution no 13,263 c . s threads (6) Easy. Fill the grid so that each row, column and Solution to no 2,341 k 18 Flightless bird, extinct H O B O VA N Q UI SH o o 3 Gumbo (4) ARSLANE 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9. Printable b since the 17th century 7 5 3 6 9 4 1 8 2 n 4 Top of the world (6,6) T W O ST EP TITLE version at guardian.co.uk/sudoku i a (4) 6 2 9 5 1 8 4 7 3 d r ENUHAEL a 5 Stirrer (12) Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0039 or text 8 4 1 3 2 7 9 6 5 u MIX U P AIR E R S g GUARDIANQ followed by a space, the day and 6 Pay for something A O C I H 3 9 2 8 6 1 7 5 4 i t date the crossword appeared another space and i s (4,2,3,3) I NVER TEDC O M MA Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0036. Calls cost 77p a V the CLUE reference to 85010 (e.g GUARDIANQ 1 8 4 7 5 9 3 2 6 . L E N O R minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks ) fromWednesday24 a BT Landline. Down20 Calls). from Calls other cost 77pnetworks a minute may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. 5 7 6 2 4 3 8 9 1 9 6 . 7 Ukulele player from PRIVE T C O W ER 7 Lancashire, d. 1961 may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Z BIA CI I Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for 2 3 7 1 8 6 5 4 9 £ e Texts cost 50p a clue plus standard network O D O U R ULY SSES v (6,6) customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from 9 1 5 4 7 2 6 3 8 a charges. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 s OSGRXPO a BT landline). Free tough puzzles at www.puzzler. ( 12 Island part of Tanzania 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, M NE M O NI C CYA N 4 6 8 9 3 5 2 1 7 p com/guardian & (8) 2p a min from a BT landline). p K U c i n 0 2 £ l y n o r f o s k o o b s d r o w s s y o r u c r k a i c u u e q n b d i a d r s u a r u G e r T u n f o y l o r a u y B o a r . d r D G o w s s r o c / k u . o c . n i a d r a u g t a s l e z z u p e i v h c r a 0 0 0 , 4 r l e l v o e s s e B c c A e ? . r e . v o . e m t t a n I f S W

24 The Guardian 12.11.12