Monday 01.01.07 Monday The year that changed our lives Swinging with Tony and Cherie Are you a malingerer? Television and radio 12A Shortcuts G2 01.01.07 The world may be coming to an end, but it’s not all bad news . The question First Person Are you really special he news just before Army has opened prospects of a too sick to work? The events that made Christmas that the settlement of a war that has 2006 unforgettable for . end of the world is caused more than 2 million people nigh was not, on the in the north of the country to fl ee. Or — and try to be honest here 4 Carl Carter, who met a surface, an edify- — have you just got “party fl u”? ing way to conclude the year. • Exploitative forms of labour are According to the Institute of Pay- wonderful woman, just Admittedly, we’ve got 5bn years under attack: former camel jockeys roll Professionals, whose mem- before she flew to the before the sun fi rst explodes in the United Arab Emirates are to bers have to calculate employees’ Are the Gibbs watching? . other side of the world and then implodes, sucking the be compensated to the tune of sick pay, December 27 — the fi rst a new year’s kiss for Cherie earth into oblivion, but new year $9m, and Calcutta has banned day back at work after Christmas 7 Karina Kelly, 5,000,002,007 promises to be rickshaw pullers. That just leaves — and January 2 are the top days 16 and pregnant bleak. With this and plenty of the plight of journalists, threat- for people throwing sickies. other gloom around — the Iraq ened by ever tighter regulations Whether that is simply one 10 Parnesh Sharma, war, the imbroglio in the Mid- on expenses, to be addressed. heck of a coincidence is a moot a Hindu who fell in dle East, the Ashes debacle, the Tourist draw . the Orange Order point. You could indeed have love with a Muslim death of Charlie Drake — we see it • Bless you. A new vaccine pill is eaten undercooked turkey, set as our mission to produce a more • Every cloud has a silver lining. to be off ered to hay fever suff erers your party hat (and your hair) on 13 Janice Ellis, 21 stone — encouraging turn-of-year report, The political instability and threat who get no relief from existing fi re, had your nose broken by a until she went under highlighting some recent stories of terrorism in Indian-adminis- antihistamines and nasal steroid close relative or caught a case of that cheered us up and, we hope, tered Kashmir have given a boost sprays. It off ers hope to more proper fl u while puckering up the knife Swinging with the Blairs will do the same for you. to local wildlife, with the popu- than a million sneezers. under mistletoe. But did you? lation of indigenous birds and Because of the extraordinarily 15 Aman Samaei, who • The world’s forests are reviving. animals increasing by up to 60%. • Business news. The endlessly mild autumn and early winter, escaped the Taliban but After centuries of deforestation, This has come about because the written-off British car industry conditions have been perfect for left his family behind For some reason, G2 was not enormously. “Tony, Cherie, all Out on the balcony, the party many countries — notably China government, fearing disorder, is doing rather well, according to nasty bugs to breed and infect invited to join Tony and Cherie you little Blairs!” he declares, watches the new year arrive in a and the US — are now reforesting; insists that local people hand in the Society of Motor Manufac- us all and, anecdotally, there is for New Year’s Eve. But having “I can’t tell you how happy I, my burst of fi reworks, and as Robin the amount of forest in India is fi rearms — a policy that has also turers and Traders. Chief execu- evidence of coughs, sneezes and devoured every tabloid “revelation” Bisexual-Wife-Dwina, and the takes the opportunity to discuss said to be stable; and in Brazil and reduced their capacity to hunt . tives of leading companies are sniffl es all around. Back pages about the Blairs’ hosts, Robin and Unnamed-Charity-To-Which- the economic restructuring of Indonesia, the rate of decline is optimistic , there is less talk of But according to NHS Direct, Dwina Gibb, we have no trouble We-Have-Donated-Your-Holiday- Iraq with Tony, Robin’s Bisexual- slowing. Researchers at the Uni- • Things continue to look up in relocating manufacturing plants which receives up to 28,000 calls 19 Last night’s TV imagining the party . Payment are to have you here Wife-Dwina is deep in conver- versity of Aberdeen predict that Northern Ireland. Lonely Planet to other countries with cheaper and website hits a day, there is Sam Wollaston on with us tonight. And what a night sation with Cherie. “I know how within a few years the global net has deemed it one of 2007’s labour, productivity is improving, nothing unusual out there . It the final episode t is the last night of the it will be! As you may recall, we it is to be married to an important loss of forest will be reversed. “must-see” destinations, visitor production of the Mini is increas- appears that we are simply a of Robin Hood year, and all along Miami’s once sang: ‘Listen to the ground:/ man; to have that overshadow Such a reversal would both pro- numbers are increasing, and Bel- ing, sales of Bentleys are soaring, nation of wimps and slackers. North Bay Road, the festiv- There is movement all around/ your own career, your own wants tect endangered species and, by fast is booming. Even the ante- the new London Motor Show was “The number one problem all ities are beginning. Ricky There is something goin’ down/ and desires,” she confi des. “You’re absorbing CO2, reduce the danger diluvian Orange Order has joined a huge success, and Top Gear’s over the Christmas period was 20 Radio & Satellite TV Martin is putting out the And I can feel it.’” a successful barrister, I’m a Druid of global warming. in the feel-good mood, saying it Richard Hammond has made a abdominal pain,” says an NHS bunting, Lenny Kravitz and Calvin “Can we jam?” asks Tony. priestess, but all people remember will hold face-to-face talks with remarkably rapid recovery. Direct spokeswoman, “followed 22 Television Klein are making sangria, while “Tony!” hisses Cherie. “ Jam- is the men we’re married to.” • On the subject of global warm- residents of the mainly nationalist by toothache, vomiting, diar- Hulk Hogan presides over a whole ming costs extra! ” But jam they “Yes,” says Cherie. “But your ing, we recognise that it poses Garvaghy Road ahead of this • Good news for Max Hastings. rhoea and sore throats, although 24 Puzzles hog roast. At the palatial home of do, and as midnight approaches, husband has done something all sorts of threats to the world’s summer’s “marching season”. The Harris Tweed industry has diarrhoea jumped up into third Robin Gibb, former member of Tony recalls fondly his days as truly important. He gave the social and economic stability, been saved . Yorkshire business- place on Christmas Day. But the the Bee Gees, the paying guest of lead singer of Ugly Rumours. world Night Fever. In nine years and the last thing we want to be • Uganda may also be back on the man Brian Haggas has bought the fi gures are no higher than usual honour, Tony Blair, is on the bal- “Speaking of ugly rumours,” of governance Tony has never is parochial, but it has made for tourist trail soon. The extended KM Group, which is responsible and there has been no pattern cony watching Robin’s brother says Robin, segueing seamlessly, achieved anything of that gravity.” a jolly mild autumn in much of truce between the Ugandan gov- for 95% of Harris Tweed produc- to suggest there are any nasty Barry meander up the street from “as you may have read in the “Forget about that,” says Britain. How lovely to be able to ernment and the Lord’s Resistance tion in Britain. viruses or bugs out there.” three doors down, trilling a soft Daily Mail, we like to cruise and Bisexual-Wife-Dwina. “I remember walk around in early December Last year, 66m days were lost falsetto as he goes. “Truly,” whis- we like to watch.” when no one wanted to know without a heavy coat. • Leaving the best till last, Welsh through sickness in the UK, with pers Tony to his trusty Fender “We like to cruise too!” chirrups about the Bee Gees, when all they chanteuse Charlotte Church has 14% of them — costing £1.2bn Stratocaster, “we are in heaven!” Cherie, blithely. “Tony, remember meant was big teeth and white • There were reports in Novem- said she is putting her singing — thought to have been bogus. Cherie sips her snowball and that time we borrowed Silvio catsuits, not seminal disco tunes. ber that leopards were making career on hold to concentrate on For the people in the payroll surveys the mansion: 10 bed- Berlusconi’s yacht?” But like the Bee Gees, history will a comeback . More prosaically, TV. Now we just need a similar department, illness over Christ- rooms, nine bathrooms, land- “Not that type of cruising,” be Tony’s judge. Come,” she says, we also have chapter and verse announcement from Katherine mas and the new year causes scaped gardens, waterfront views says Robin .