12A Monday 01.01.07 Swinging with Tony and Cherie The yearthat changedlives our Are you a malingerer? Televisionand radio Shortcuts

G2 01.01.07 The world may be coming to an end, but it’s not all bad news . . . The question First Person Are you really special he news just before Army has opened prospects of a too sick to work? The events that made Christmas that the settlement of a war that has 2006 unforgettable for . . . end of the world is caused more than 2 million people nigh was not, on the in the north of the country to fl ee. Or — and try to be honest here 4 Carl Carter, who met a surface, an edify- — have you just got “party fl u”? ing way to conclude the year. • Exploitative forms of labour are According to the Institute of Pay- wonderful woman, just Admittedly, we’ve got 5bn years under attack: former camel jockeys roll Professionals, whose mem- before she flew to the before the sun fi rst explodes in the United Arab Emirates are to bers have to calculate employees’ Are the Gibbs watching? . . . other side of the world and then implodes, sucking the be compensated to the tune of sick pay, December 27 — the fi rst a new year’s kiss for Cherie earth into oblivion, but new year $9m, and Calcutta has banned day back at work after Christmas 7 Karina Kelly, 5,000,002,007 promises to be rickshaw pullers. That just leaves — and January 2 are the top days 16 and pregnant bleak. With this and plenty of the plight of journalists, threat- for people throwing sickies. other gloom around — the Iraq ened by ever tighter regulations Whether that is simply one 10 Parnesh Sharma, war, the imbroglio in the Mid- on expenses, to be addressed. heck of a coincidence is a moot a Hindu who fell in dle East, the Ashes debacle, the Tourist draw . . . the Orange Order point. You could indeed have love with a Muslim death of Charlie Drake — we see it • Bless you. A new vaccine pill is eaten undercooked turkey, set as our mission to produce a more • Every cloud has a silver lining. to be off ered to hay fever suff erers your party hat (and your hair) on 13 Janice Ellis, 21 stone — encouraging turn-of-year report, The political instability and threat who get no relief from existing fi re, had your nose broken by a until she went under highlighting some recent stories of terrorism in Indian-adminis- antihistamines and nasal steroid close relative or caught a case of that cheered us up and, we hope, tered Kashmir have given a boost sprays. It off ers hope to more proper fl u while puckering up the knife Swinging with the Blairs will do the same for you. to local wildlife, with the popu- than a million sneezers. under mistletoe. But did you? lation of indigenous birds and Because of the extraordinarily 15 Aman Samaei, who • The world’s forests are reviving. animals increasing by up to 60%. • Business news. The endlessly mild autumn and early winter, escaped the Taliban but After centuries of deforestation, This has come about because the written-off British car industry conditions have been perfect for left his family behind For some reason, G2 was not enormously. “Tony, Cherie, all Out on the balcony, the party many countries — notably China government, fearing disorder, is doing rather well, according to nasty bugs to breed and infect invited to join Tony and Cherie you little Blairs!” he declares, watches the new year arrive in a and the US — are now reforesting; insists that local people hand in the Society of Motor Manufac- us all and, anecdotally, there is for New Year’s Eve. But having “I can’t tell you how happy I, my burst of fi reworks, and as Robin the amount of forest in India is fi rearms — a policy that has also turers and Traders. Chief execu- evidence of coughs, sneezes and devoured every tabloid “revelation” Bisexual-Wife-Dwina, and the takes the opportunity to discuss said to be stable; and in Brazil and reduced their capacity to hunt. tives of leading companies are sniffl es all around. Back pages about the Blairs’ hosts, Robin and Unnamed-Charity-To-Which- the economic restructuring of Indonesia, the rate of decline is optimistic , there is less talk of But according to NHS Direct, Dwina Gibb, we have no trouble We-Have-Donated-Your-Holiday- Iraq with Tony, Robin’s Bisexual- slowing. Researchers at the Uni- • Things continue to look up in relocating manufacturing plants which receives up to 28,000 calls 19 Last night’s TV imagining the party . . . Payment are to have you here Wife-Dwina is deep in conver- versity of Aberdeen predict that Northern Ireland. Lonely Planet to other countries with cheaper and website hits a day, there is Sam Wollaston on with us tonight. And what a night sation with Cherie. “I know how within a few years the global net has deemed it one of 2007’s labour, productivity is improving, nothing unusual out there . It the final episode t is the last night of the it will be! As you may recall, we it is to be married to an important loss of forest will be reversed. “must-see” destinations, visitor production of the Mini is increas- appears that we are simply a of Robin Hood year, and all along Miami’s once sang: ‘Listen to the ground:/ man; to have that overshadow Such a reversal would both pro- numbers are increasing, and Bel- ing, sales of Bentleys are soaring, nation of wimps and slackers. North Bay Road, the festiv- There is movement all around/ your own career, your own wants tect endangered species and, by fast is booming. Even the ante- the new London Motor Show was “The number one problem all ities are beginning. Ricky There is something goin’ down/ and desires,” she confi des. “You’re absorbing CO2, reduce the danger diluvian Orange Order has joined a huge success, and Top Gear’s over the Christmas period was 20 Radio & Satellite TV Martin is putting out the And I can feel it.’” a successful barrister, I’m a Druid of global warming. in the feel-good mood, saying it Richard Hammond has made a abdominal pain,” says an NHS bunting, Lenny Kravitz and Calvin “Can we jam?” asks Tony. priestess, but all people remember will hold face-to-face talks with remarkably rapid recovery. Direct spokeswoman, “followed 22 Television Klein are making sangria, while “Tony!” hisses Cherie. “Jam- is the men we’re married to.” • On the subject of global warm- residents of the mainly nationalist by toothache, vomiting, diar- Hulk Hogan presides over a whole ming costs extra! ” But jam they “Yes,” says Cherie. “But your ing, we recognise that it poses Garvaghy Road ahead of this • Good news for Max Hastings. rhoea and sore throats, although 24 Puzzles hog roast. At the palatial home of do, and as midnight approaches, husband has done something all sorts of threats to the world’s summer’s “marching season”. The Harris Tweed industry has diarrhoea jumped up into third Robin Gibb, former member of Tony recalls fondly his days as truly important. He gave the social and economic stability, been saved . Yorkshire business- place on Christmas Day. But the the Bee Gees, the paying guest of lead singer of Ugly Rumours. world Night Fever. In nine years and the last thing we want to be • Uganda may also be back on the man Brian Haggas has bought the fi gures are no higher than usual honour, Tony Blair, is on the bal- “Speaking of ugly rumours,” of governance Tony has never is parochial, but it has made for tourist trail soon. The extended KM Group, which is responsible and there has been no pattern cony watching Robin’s brother says Robin, segueing seamlessly, achieved anything of that gravity.” a jolly mild autumn in much of truce between the Ugandan gov- for 95% of Harris Tweed produc- to suggest there are any nasty Barry meander up the street from “as you may have read in the “Forget about that,” says Britain. How lovely to be able to ernment and the Lord’s Resistance tion in Britain. viruses or bugs out there.” three doors down, trilling a soft Daily Mail, we like to cruise and Bisexual-Wife-Dwina. “I remember walk around in early December Last year, 66m days were lost falsetto as he goes. “Truly,” whis- we like to watch.” when no one wanted to know without a heavy coat. • Leaving the best till last, Welsh through sickness in the UK, with pers Tony to his trusty Fender “We like to cruise too!” chirrups about the Bee Gees, when all they chanteuse Charlotte Church has 14% of them — costing £1.2bn Stratocaster, “we are in heaven!” Cherie, blithely. “Tony, remember meant was big teeth and white • There were reports in Novem- said she is putting her singing — thought to have been bogus. Cherie sips her snowball and that time we borrowed Silvio catsuits, not seminal disco tunes. ber that leopards were making career on hold to concentrate on For the people in the payroll surveys the mansion: 10 bed- Berlusconi’s yacht?” But like the Bee Gees, history will a comeback . More prosaically, TV. Now we just need a similar department, illness over Christ- rooms, nine bathrooms, land- “Not that type of cruising,” be Tony’s judge. Come,” she says, we also have chapter and verse announcement from Katherine mas and the new year causes scaped gardens, waterfront views says Robin . “Are you unaware of “sit on my lipstick lesbian sofa.” for the return of salmon to the Jenkins, aka the diva of Neath, hours and hours of extra work. and fountain display in the front my unconventional lifestyle and Cherie hesitates and Bisexual- upper reaches of the river Wye and joy in the Valleys will be So what can we learn from all yard. “This is even better than my open marriage to my Bisexual- Wife-Dwina smiles. “Don’t after they were wiped out by acid unconfi ned. this? Well, not much that you Sir Cliff ’s!” she breathes. Just Wife-Dwina?” Cherie gulps. “On worry,” she says, placing rain 20 years ago, and an RSPB didn’t already know. Except, then, Robin and his Bisexual- that very sofa where you are sit- a reassuring arm around the initiative to secure the future of You see — it really is a happy perhaps, this: if you work in the Wife-Dwina sweep into the room. ting,” Robin continues, “once sat prime minister’s wife. “It’s just IMAGES PETER MACDIARMID/GETTY the aquatic warbler by buying new year. wages offi ce, this is far and away “Robin Gibb!” cheers Tony, and a group of leather-wearing lip- a friendly thing.” its marshy breeding grounds in Stephen Moss and the best time to throw a sickie. She’s not singing . . . Charlotte Church punches the air. Robin smiles, stick lesbians.” Cherie turns pale. Laura Barton PICTURE north-eastern Poland. Jason Rodrigues Steve Boggan

2 The Guardian 01.01.07 The Guardian 01.01.07 3 How was 2006 for you? For the fi ve people in our First Person special — Carl Carter . . . ‘I’d been waiting a from a pregnant teenager to an long time to meet someone like Kat’ ill-starred lover — it was the year when everything changed. The fi rst, Carl Carter, tells how he made the greatest romantic gesture of his life I fell in love — and she fl ew to Australia

Saturday while it lasted ”. “Hey, it’s just a day away,” Eight weeks ago I spent £1,000 that I don’t said Kat, reading my mind. I nodded, gave her have on a fl ight to Australia. It was leaving a long hug goodbye, and walked away. that night. I’m no jet-setter, just your average Life stubbornly insisted upon continuation. twentysomething: single, fl at-sharing and It was the same job, the same house, the same overdrawn . But something amazing had routine, yet Kat was everywhere. She was the happened that left me with no choice. discarded cocoa mugs in the sink, the long It started in a nightclub when a girl called chestnut hairs still in my bed, the DVD still Kat came up and told me I looked bored. This spinning in the player. I took the plunge and was true — I’d been leaning against the wall, phoned her the next day. I’ve always hated seeking refuge from the sea of sweaty bodies long-distance calls, but we chatted for hours. and crap music. The next night we went The next evening was spent doing the same; for dinner. We fed each other dim sum, this was becoming addictive. I lay on my bed, talk ed for hours that felt like seconds, staring at the same photos and wishing that marvelling at how much we had in common. they weren’t of a person now on the other side We’re both passionate about travelling. We of the world. can both quote the entire script of Ferris And that was when the idea occurred. Bueller’s Day Off , giggling like schoolchildren The next day, a week after we fi rst met, into our cocktails. I’ll spare you the mushy I was on a bus back from the travel agent, stuff . Suffi ce to say, I’ d been waiting a long clutching my plane ticket to Sydney . The fl ight time to meet somebody like Kat. Kat was left in fi ve hours. And I hadn’t told Kat. lovely. Kat thought I was lovely. And Kat was returning home to Australia in three days. Sunday For the next few days, Kat moved in. I I arrived in Sydney after a torturous 26 hours. cooked her breakfast; we ate on the balcony, All I could think of was how Kat would react. hands linked over the table, our breath steamy Had I made the right decision by turning up in the cold morning air. We played Scrabble on unannounced? There was still time to call, the lounge fl oor, then curled up and watched still time to avert disaster, but the romantic rubbish DVDs in bed. I took her to in me wouldn’t allow it. What was the Heathrow on a rainy Tuesday night and point in spending a grand on the greatest waved a mournful goodbye. Neither of us romantic gesture of my life, only to blow talked about whether we’d meet again; I think the surprise? I was scared I might hear the words “good On the drive to Canberra, the highway → 4 The Guardian 01.01.07 PICTURE SARAH LEE The Guardian 01.01.07 5 pushed south for a lonely 272km, think I just need a little time to adjust.” I’d head off to Sydney for a couple of days, ← giving me plenty of time to play out the ‘All I really wanted I drove to a pokey motel on the other side of give her some time , and return for the week- Karina Kelly was a teenage tearaway, following scenario in my head. I’d told Kat she town , and sat in silence on the edge of the end. Maybe my second visit would feel more was meeting a friend of mine, who happen ed to do was fl ing my bed. Kat had half-heartedly invited me into normal than the fi rst. to be passing through Canberra with a present the family home, but I declined; I felt I’d drinking, smoking, in and out of trouble from me. There was, of course, no such friend, arms around her intruded enough already. I turned on my Tuesday and the person standing outside David Jones and tell her how phone and it began to fi ll with messages from We grabbed some lunch at a pavement cafe with the law. Then, at 16, she got pregnant. department store, next to the merry-go- friends at home, tentatively asking how it had before my sojourn to Sydney. Confi dent of round, at 1pm, would be me. much I missed her’ gone. I considered my response, and began to my plan, I felt less pressure, and conversation After delighting her with my arrival, the cry. A week suddenly felt like a long time. fl owed easily. As I was talking, I noticed Kat Would she be able to clean up her act? rough plan was to go for a drink, check looking at me in a funny way. Then, without myself into a hotel for the fi rst night, then We had a light lunch in a cafe that played Monday warning, she leant forward, put a hand on my . . . at this point the plan ended abruptly , as out like a Pinter scene with everybody I met Kat again . We had breakfast in a cafe shoulder and kissed me, tenderly and warmly, did the highway. discussing the price of milk and nobody like two relatives waiting for bad news in a on the lips. As soon as I relaxed and stopped I made my way nervously to Canberra town daring to broach the topic of what this Eng- hospital. After eating, we drove to Lake Burley pressuring her, it all seemed to work. My second life centre 45 minutes early, and paced around, lishman was doing at their table. The trickiest Griffi n and sat on a picnic mat, knees touching Finally, I was feeling the moment again, obsessing over my opening words. I settled on part came when her mother asked, “So, how our foreheads, a metre-wide chasm between and Kat seemed to be, too. I kissed her a long a casual, but jovial, “You’re right, it is only a did you and Kat meet?” us. I asked myself: what have I done wrong? goodbye until the weekend and drove off . day away!” delivered from behind her back, to Mercifully, we were eventually left on our I’m still the same person she’d met in London. I saw her face wrinkle into that cute smile be replaced with a large grin when she turned own and I drove us to a nearby park where Finally, I could bear it no longer and as it receded in my rear-view mirror to a blur, around. Time passe d in an odd, juddering we walked around, hands stuff ed in pockets. declared I was going home. Kat looked a white dot and then nothing. way. At 1.02pm I was still pacing . And I tried to put my arms around Kat, but it felt surprised, and for the fi rst time I saw a fl icker And that’s the last time I saw her. suddenly there she was. Standing with her awkward and staged, like an over-eager date of something behind the gloom. “I really do After two days in Sydney, I called, eager to back to me, peering around looking for my trying to cop a feel in the cinema. I sat on a want you here,” she said, “but to be honest make plans for the weekend, but got a shock. friend , every bit as beautiful as I remembered. bench and took a deep breath. Time to talk. — what were you expecting?” The question Kat sounded evasive. There would be family When she turn ed and saw me, I forg ot I began with a stuttered apology for turning caught me off -guard. “What you’ve done is staying. We might not get time together. It everything. Her mouth dropped open and I up out of the blue, a faltering explanation that incredible,” she said. “Nobody’s ever done might not be worth my while. I was about to blurted an odd, weak greeting, as if all this I’d not meant it to be this scary. anything like that for me before. But what the launch into a persuasive counter-argument was perfectly normal. We had the briefest of “I don’t know what to say,” said Kat, hell were you thinking, you idiot?” I smirked when something made me stop. And in that clinches, then she said, “My mum and sister after a pause that felt like eternity. “It was an at this absurdity. Kat laughed, too. The instant, everything became clear. There I was, are here.” This was very bad news. amazing thing to do. It’s just . . . I don’t know tension was fi nally broken and we hugged miles from home, having emptied my wallet She led me to a nearby bench, where a if things can be the same as they were in tightly for what seemed like for ever. and bared my soul. If this was to continue, middle-aged woman sat with another in her London. I’ve only just got home after two I postponed my escape, accepting instead I would need a hell of a lot more back than I 20s. “Mum, Hilary,” explained Kat (and I years abroad. I only just saw my mother again. an invitation to lunch with the family and was getting. I swallowed hard, then told Kat could hear in her voice how freaked out she I only just came out of a long relationship.” then, unexpectedly, things began to look up. I agreed. It wasn’t worth my while. Maybe was), “this isn’t Carl’s friend. This is Carl.” These statements rained down on me like The Englishman was a hit. Sitting at a some other time. We’d stay in touch. With a They smiled politely . I realised, with fl eeting meaty hailstones. I felt sick inside. It began to pavement cafe, I shared jokes with the heavy heart, I hung up, dialled the airline, and disappointment, that they hadn’t been fully dawn on me how naive I’d been to assume we sisters and swapped stories with mum. travelled home that same night. briefed. “We were just off to get some lunch,” could carry on where we had left off . I saw Kat looking proudly at me and hoped it Kat said, and the four of us began walking. Kat took some of it back, sensing my was a good sign. We spent the afternoon and Today This was not going to plan. All I wanted to disappointment and reassuring me that she evening shopping together, but once again it I’m back in London, wrapped in a woollen y name is Karina Kelly, So I guess that when I found out I knew what do was fl ing my arms around her and tell her was glad I was there. But then how could became diffi cult, alternating between com- jumper, gazing out over the bleak winter I’m 16 years old and I’m decision I was going to make. There almost I really missed her, but, instead, I was being anyone reject me outright after I’d come fortable conversation and strained silences. skyline. It’s two months since I stood in that pregnant. In the years wasn’t a decision to make. forced to assume the role of a placid freak 10,000 miles? What I had done was such a n I tried to play it cool, but I was trapped be- manky nightclub and Kat walked over to alter running up to this The father of the child wasn’t just a one- who’d travelled the globe on a whim to “hang over-bloated gesture that any attempt at tween Kat’s need for an easy life and my own the course of my life . I’ve recovered from the unexpected development night stand. We were in a long-term, serious out” with a mate. Kat, left to assume whatever honesty would seem inappropriate. “I’m sorry need for reassurance. The tension was driving journey, but I haven’t spoken to her since. I had got myself involved in a lot of mix-ups. relationship and I am very much in love with she liked, was looking increasingly alarmed. it couldn’t be how you planned,” she said. “I me mad. Eventually, I came up with a plan. She never did call, despite her promises. I still I started smoking when I was 11 and drinking him, but he has had a lot of mixed feelings think about her a lot, but my friends are their when I was 12. I got kicked out of school at about me being pregnant. I know he is most usual brilliant, supportive selves. There’s only 14 and arrested a lot, for things such as likely to be around, but obviously I can’t been one embarrassing moment when I cried street robbery and assaulting a police know for sure . So I will just have to wait and The Guardian Review Book Club in their kitchen but I maintain that it was the offi cer. I am ashamed of my past. And I see when the baby comes if he is going to tequila fumes. know that, on top of all that, getting stick with us. This doesn’t worry me, In many ways, I’ve learned a lot . I don’t pregnant may sound like a disaster to you, though. I see having a baby as less restricting regret going to Australia . If things had worked but really it isn’t. In fact, it is helping me than being in a relationship that perhaps ulti- out, I’d be writing a very diff erent, very smug turn my life around. mately isn’t going to work. My child story. Conversely, if I hadn’t gone, I’d regret Pregnancy was one of those things I isn’t going to tie me down or try to change never knowing. I’ve always been an impatient thought would never happen to me, but me or control me, like many partners do. Doris romantic, and I now see that it’s a selfi sh com- then in May I found myself weeing on A baby will be a huge responsibility and bination. I fall for people quickly and then a stick and sitting on the edge of the bath very demanding, but it won’t hold me make unreasonable demands on them to have nervously waiting for the result. When it back in the way that being in the wrong similarly strong feelings back. came up positive, I didn’t know what to relationship can. My journey has defi nitely changed me. think. It didn’t feel real. So I didn’t tell When the doctor started booking appoint- Lessing Strangely, I feel more confi dent. It may not anyone because I didn’t believe it myself. ments for me with a midwife, it came all in Join the author for a discussion with John Mullan have worked out this time, but at least I am I waited a couple of days and then took a rush, like a brick in the head. Next thing prepared to go to such lengths to answer life’s another three or four tests just to make sure. I knew, I was going to hospital for scans . about her novel, The Golden Notebook. questions. Would I do it again? Possibly. When I’ve always known that if I got pregnant I saw my baby’s 10 little fi ngers and 10 little you’re loved-up, you make spontaneous I would keep the baby. I’m religious and toes on the screen. I saw it open and close Wednesday January 17, The Newsroom, decisions. But at what point does a big gesture attend church. Some part of me has never its mouth, as if it was yawning. Every time 60 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3GA. cross the line from romantic to foolish? agreed with abortions — only as a last resort I went for a scan, it became bigger and bigger, Maddeningly, I still don’t know. It scares — and a baby is not something to be given turning into a real human, and I would hear Doors open at 6.30pm. The talk will begin at 7pm. me that one person can make me behave so up lightly . Even though I am young and don’t its heartbeat. I started to feel my baby move Entry is £7 including a glass of wine. irrationally and lay my heart open to such have a lot of money, I think I can off er a child and it felt like little bubbles, little pops, massive damage. But the world needs some a good life. After all, I grew up in council fl ats inside me. I found out I was having a boy. To book email [email protected] craziness, otherwise it would be a very dull, and hostels and I didn’t turn out that bad I put a scan picture inside my purse so that or call 020 7886 9281. predictable place. Maybe I’ll just limit myself — apart from getting pregnant at 16, which every time I opened it I would see him. to European fl ights next time. the world obviously sees as turning out bad. Not that I could ever forget he was there, → 6 The Guardian 01.01.07 The Guardian 01.01.07 7 Karina Kelly, 16. . . ‘My baby’s given me the determination to achieve my goals’

because once he started moving he didn’t those goals, because I’m not just thinking my baby before myself with everything ← stop. But it wasn’t just that : p hysically, about myself any more; I’m thinking about I did. I stopped drinking and smoking and I felt so diff erent. what’s best for my child. I’ve got a life plan: I started watching what I was eating. Obviously, Obviously, my body changed. I got stretch want to go back to college, get a job, get a fl at, part of me is also scared — of the pain of marks. I already had big boobs, DD, so they be fi nancially secure. One day, I want to run giving birth, generally of how I am going got big and heavy like water balloons. I could my own business and own a beauty salon (I to cope fi nancially, of the stretch marks and never take off my bra and my hormones went got an NVQ level one in hairdressing from my the worries of being a parent (will anything crazy. Not only did I get spots on my face, I got pupil referral unit). I have gone to Connexions, happen to my son?). I am scared that them on my knees, chest, arms — basically, which gives advice to pregnant teenagers, to although a lot of my close friends will be everywhere. I started crying over soaps on talk to them about going back to college when around for me, I am sure I will lose many too, television, when characters died, as if they my child is old enough to go to nursery. because at my age I understand that they all were real people. I became so tired in the My mentality changed. I started putting want to go out and have fun and not sit fi rst trimester that I would fall asleep any indoors all night with me. time during the day. So even though my son wasn’t planned, Most of all, though, getting pregnant made ‘Without my baby, I I’m happy he’s coming because he has already me begin to really think about what I wanted changed my whole outlook on life for the to do with my life. I went to the jobcentre for know I would still be better. Without him, I know I would be still the fi rst time and sorted out my income sup- smoking 20 fags a day, sitting around doing port and started to think about decorating smoking 20 fags a day, nothing, binge drinking on Courvoisier and the house. I’ve joined a maths course, a yoga cherry Lambrini, getting arrested, arguing course, a cookery course and I want to do a sitting around, and with my family, just not leading a very language course. productive life. Whereas now I have some- SARAH LEE I know with a baby it’s going to take longer binge drinking thing to look forward to. I am taking full to fulfi l my ambitions, but pregnancy has advantage of this wonderful opportunity.

PICTURE given me more determination to achieve on cherry Lambrini’ It isn’t the end of my life — it’s a new start. → The Guardian 01.01.07 9 t was to the confl uence of two great The initial telephone calls — her number they discouraged our relationship. But, as course of my own life? But there were also She was a Muslim, he was a Hindu — and one rivers of western Canada, the North gained by a sleight of hand — were few, the months passed, they surrendered to her other demons, mood swings from exquisite Thompson and the South Thompson, but within weeks became almost daily as I endless charms. My father, before his own contentment to deepest depression. She that I fi rst travelled to meet her in yearned to hear her voice. The awkwardness untimely passing, blesse d her and welcomed fought these with my help, and, increasingly, of them was already promised to another. So that summer of 199 3. A roaring and turned to long conversations stretching into her into his house. My mother adored her and the help of medication. There were nights of tempestuous mass of glacial melt — in places late hours of the night; and, occasionally, to they became fast friends. I met her parents tears, of comforting, of visits to doctors. And would Parnesh Sharma and the love of his shimmering turquoise, in places grit muddy — the fi rst light of dawn. Within a month or so I in turn, but she was fearful and convinced one dreadful night, a pointless argument, a collides and rushes onward to merge with the told her I was in love. She laughed and called them that we were best friends. Her parents threat from me to leave, an overdose. I was mighty Fraser river several miles away, cutting me silly — but a few days later she said that opened their arms to me and no longer was I frantic and rushed her to hospital, promising, life overcome the obstacles in their way? a swathe through jagged rock, mountain she, too, was in love. And my world changed. a stranger. But I was never a prospective part- and crying, never to hurt her again. pastures and meadows ablaze with wild fl ow- For an urban dweller her world was a revela- ner for their only daughter. To break a family She recovered. But I, too, despaired as the ers, pine and aspen. tion — slow walks across forest fl oors carpeted promise of an arranged matrimony, for a non- realisation slowly came that it was beyond my My journey to Kamloops, a fi ve-hour drive with bluebells, hikes up mountain pastures, Muslim at that, was unthinkable. Her tearful abilities to help. I struggled to help, not to give ‘Ours was a from my home city of Vancouver scaling high and long drives across the wilds of British mother asked me to leave Satara so that her up on her, to continue fi ghting the depression mountain road s, end ed with a descent into Columbia. And always in the background, choices were clearer. I told her I did not wish that, though infrequent and kept in check a green valley , the late-summer sun glowing music (those hopelessly romantic Bollywood to cause a fracture in the family, but I told her by medication, would surface now and then. against a twilight sky turned deep purple and songs) she recorded for me. Three years of also about my feelings for her daughter. The It was during these times, thankfully few, forbidden orange. Months of long-distance telephone long-distance commuting from Vancouver to message to Satara remained umcompromis- that she became impossible to live with, so conversations had come to this — a meeting Kamloops passed — years of longing, hoping ingly clear: her family or me. erratic was her behaviour. But my love, I had yearned for but that I approached and fl eeting moments spent together. But also Such confl ict — a constant strain on her though severely tested, did not falter . with trepidation and haywire nerves. I was spent in concealment from prying eyes, for heart — would tear the strongest to pieces. Three years later, there was another test, in love — deeply, passionately, irrevocably. ours was a forbidden relationship. I, Hindu, son Arguments with her family, about her arranged when I received an off er from Cambridge relationship’ Her name, Satara, Urdu for the stars that of a Brahmin priest, and she a Muslim, promised marriage, left her dispirited. Her father and for graduate study . As I waved goodbye in seemed to her father to be even more in matrimony to another, a person unknown to mother loved her unconditionally, and they the winter of 2000, I was not to know that innumerable on the day of her birth. Our her . Both of us raised in Canada but conscious wavered. They were prepared to sacrifi ce much I would never see her again. fi rst encounter, at the engagement party of of the Hindu-Muslim divide, the inexplicable for the sake of their daughter’s happiness, It was during this time that the pressure a mutual friend, had been painfully brief. prejudices predating us by generations. Then, but in the end other pressures — notions of on her to marry became unbearable. I called A brief glance and even briefer dismissal: fi nally, three years after we met, she moved to honour and family obligations — proved more her several times from Cambridge and asked “Go away, and don’t talk to me,” was her Vancouver to start nurse’s training. enduring. We, too, argued , I unable to under- that she wait for me. Each time she asked for retort. I was 29 and never before had I been We moved in together, but for the sake of stand why she could not simply choose me. a promise that I would never leave her: a life so witheringly dismissed. And perhaps it was appearances maintained separate residences. On one already so emotionally fragile, all this, with me would mean being disowned by her that that so beguiled me, for I was from that A few months later I introduced her to my of course, took a heavy toll. family. Perhaps the distance between us moment irretrievably hooked. parents. Wary and disapproving, at fi rst Why, she often asked, can I not choose the imbued me with pragmatism — people →

‘Sometimes even the vaguest wisp of the familiar brings back her world’ . . . Parnesh Sharma

10 The Guardian 01.01.07 PICTURE GRAEME ROBERTSON The Guardian 01.01.07 11 do fall out of love, divorces happen — for ← I off ered no such promise. And then, on For 54 years Janice Ellis was overweight — that fateful day when she boarded her fl ight to Pakistan to fulfi l the wish of her family, a tear- ful telephone call — she was still torn between ‘fat, ugly and repulsive’, she thought. Then 12 two stark choices. Help me decide, she said, and asked again for a promise that I would months ago, weighing 21 stone, she signed up never leave her. But, life being what it is, I could off er no such assurance. And I wept. Even then, I later learned, her fl ight had for the operation that would transform her life been planned to avoid a stopover in England, so fearful was her family that she would fl ee to me. I moved on — busying myself with work, the academic rigour and numerous pubs of Losing it Cambridge providing a welcome respite for a heart in torment. Years passed and news of her would occasion- ally pass my way as I travelled between England and Canada, and I shut it out. But she remained always in my thoughts, as do memories of the long journey to the confl uence of the North and South Thompson, and those wild and distant places we once visited. I can no longer travel those roads. And never will. Sometimes even the vaguest wisp of the familiar brings back her world. But no matter how much I hide from any evocation of her, she is always there. She is there in the whisper of the wind in the trees, the rushing waters, the haunting of distant music (those Bollywood songs). And sometimes, when I am alone, when shadows lengthen and the world is awash in hues of gold, I reach out to her, and the ephemeral world of yesterday is again as it once was. Then, this summer, a surprise midnight call. She knew I had moved to Oxford for further bout 10 years ago, I visited a a great job as a primary school teacher, and study, and we spoke briefl y about her life, psychic fair, where mediums a great family, but still I just wanted to curl about her spouse, a gentle man also seemingly were giving personal readings. up and die. denied his true love for the fulfi lment of famil- I was drawn to one in particular, Meeting a friend of mine one day com- ial obligations. She spoke, too, of her young who held a piece of my jewellery pletely changed my life. I hadn’t seen her children and we talked vaguely of a platonic
and went on to name all my children, my for a while, and she looked entirely diff erent. meeting. But I sensed also unfathomable sor- ex-husband and my current husband. She was Amazing, actually. She had lost around 10st row. The sound of her tears reached across the so accurate about things she couldn’t possibly having had a gastric band fi tted about eight distance and a familiar ache in my heart rose have known that it was eerie. Finally she said, months before. By this time I was 54 and again. I told her that a life spent thinking about “You’re going to lose so much weight that 136.5kg (21½st). I knew I had to bite the bullet. the past cannot change the course of destiny. people will cross the street because they My granddaughter, Elah, had just turned one, What once was can never be again. But I also won’t recognise you.” I felt a bit defensive and I had had a photograph taken with her told her that once she had meant everything then. “Go on,” I laughed. “I bet you say that on her birthday. My face looked like a cube. to me. And that I shall never forget her. to all the big girls.” I thought I wouldn’t live to see her grow up. Two months ago, another late-night call. I I’ve been chubby since I was a child — my My children agreed to pay for the oper- heard the sound of my mother’s breaking tears, birth weight was 51kg (8lbs 15oz). During ation, which would involve keyhole surgery and I knew. My mother, who had maintained puberty I lost a bit of weight, but the small- to place a small band around the top of my her friendship with Satara, was heartbroken . est I ever got was about a size 16. When I got stomach, if I could fi nd an appropriate sur- Only last Christmas, on my annual visit home, married, I grew bigger and bigger. I had three geon. The fi rst one I saw was an eminent she had expressed yet again her wish that we sons and never shed the baby weight. It was doctor who put me through six months of had married. I called Satara’s home and spoke the start of an endless cycle: I’d put on weight, psychiatric screening and other tests. In the to her younger brother, who had known about get depressed, eat some more, and always end he said my best option was a gastric by- us. She never got over you, he cried. I spoke to plan to start a new diet on Monday. You pass, and that the mortality rate for someone her parents; the sounds of their anguish told name it, I’ve tried it. The Scarsdale diet, the of my size would be one in 75. I knew that a of unfathomable torment and regrets . cabbage soup diet . . . I’ve taken tablets that gastric banding would be a less invasive and Now I am walking under a radiant sky along made my heart race. I even signed up for risky procedure, so I insisted that that was the banks of the Cherwell. I shall never know injections from a crank doctor. what I wanted , but the doctor didn’t think I what caused her passing — an accidental or My children were very worried, so they was capable of making such a big change to deliberate overdose — but in the stillness of the sent me to a Harley Street GP, who said that my eating habits. “I’ll do the operation ,” he day, my soul is fi lled with an unrelenting ache if I didn’t lose weight I’d be dead within 10 agreed, “but only if you’ll sign a form saying of loneliness and a feeling of absence. Could I years. My father had suff ered from chronic that it’s against my wishes.” I walked out of have helped her? It is a question I shall never heart disease and had needed an open heart the consultation. stop asking. In my heart I always knew she bypass at 49. My grandfather had died of I felt desperate then — even with money would battle her depression for ever. And, in a massive heart attack at 36. I fi gured I on off er, no one would help me. Then I saw truth, I also knew that one day she would stop was probably just next in line. an item about the Healthier Weight Centre fi ghting. The faint sounds of a distant melody, Society doesn’t like fat people and you on TV and decided to go and see them. I met the whisper of the wind in the trees, and the become indoctrinated in that hatred . I used the medical director, who said there was no long day closes. And I weep inconsolably — for to look at myself in the mirror and think, reason why I shouldn’t have a gastric band- her, for us, and for all those moments never to NYLIND LINDA “You’re fat, you’re ugly, you’re repulsive.” ing; the mortality rate would be about one come again. And for a realisation that comes Ellis in 2006 . . . 8½st If anyone took a photograph of me, I’d try in 10,000. In a gastric bypass they have lighter after her surgery too late. I never stopped loving her. PICTURE to hide my 17 chins with my hand. I have to open you up and re-plumb you, but a → 12 The Guardian 01.01.07 The Guardian 01.01.07 13 gastric band can be fi tted laparoscopic- At her heaviest, Ellis I’ve been limited to shops such as Evans and ← ally, and the surgeon doesn’t have to cut weighed 21½st Ann Harvey, but now I can go everywhere. Aman Samaei was a doctor in Kabul when into any of the organs, which naturally makes I’m getting close to my goal weight, but I it much safer. The band is just fi tted around must be carting around about a stone of extra the upper part of the stomach, forming a skin. I’ve got such lovely bingo wings that I’ll he was arrested by the Taliban. He escaped, pouch about the size of a golf ball. That never need to buy another plane ticket — I pouch becomes your new stomach. could probably fl y myself. I’m 55, so my skin’s and embarked on a journey with smugglers — When it came to the operation a few weeks not as elastic as it used to be and, having lost later though, on January 20, I was incredibly so much weight so quickly, it does show. I will scared. I was bigger than ever, and fears that have to have that removed. by car, lorry, and on foot through forests — I could die under anaesthesia were running I’ve heard of people who’ve had a gastric through my head. Fortunately, it went well. band having negative comments made to that would eventually bring him to Britain Coming to, I just felt like someone had given them — probably out of envy — but I haven’t me a bit of a kicking. It was like having a baby, really experienced that. People have been really, in the sense that you quickly forget derogatory to my husband, though. About six about the pain because of the brilliant results. or seven times now people have said, “Watch Safe at last My surgeon told me I should get myself a it — she’ll be off with somebody else”, which breakfast-sized plate and use that for all my is awful. It’s been the support of my husband meals. “If you decide, ‘To hell with this, I’m and family that’s made all this possible — that going to order a pizza’, you’ll be in big trouble,” and the support of the clinic. You hear some he said, which was good advice. If you eat too horror stories about people’s experiences heavily after a gastric banding you can end up with operations such as these, but I honestly forming another stomach in your oesophagus. don’t think I could have found doctors more The gastric band isn’t a miracle cure. There are caring and helpful . certain things that you can’t eat and it’s diff er- Back in June, I had some blood tests and ent for every patient. One chap I met at a sup- they showed that my blood sugar is now nor- was born in Kabul in 1969. The city was beard and wore long robes in accordance with port group can’t eat sausages. Most can’t eat mal, my cholesterol is normal. Now I’m off my much more liberal in those days. It was Taliban rules . But it was diffi cult to practise bread. Pasta is diffi cult, because it swells in blood pressure medication and I can give up not mandatory for women to cover medicine properly. I wasn’t allowed to examine the stomach, and I can’t eat bacon and shell- my antacid tablets. One day recently, my mum their heads and educated women often women and had to make a diagnosis just by fi sh, because you can’t chew them enough. It’s just grabbed me and said, “I wish your father went without a scarf. My father worked talking to them, or by asking a nurse to con- even possible to gain weight if you don’t treat was alive to see you, because it was our great- as a civil servant and I attended the best duct the examination in another room while it properly. A friend of a friend liquidised est dream that you would lose weight.” school in Kabul. When the revolution took I called out instructions. everything she would normally have eaten — The next step will be maintaining my place in 1976 , I didn’t pay much attention to it; My wife and I longed to have children but cake, chocolate — and ended up bigger. weight. It is possible to have the band let out most of the fi ghting was in remote areas. All the situation was so unstable that we didn’t But I changed my lifestyle completely after — otherwise you’d keep losing weight indefi - I wanted was to continue my studies and to feel it was a good time to bring a child into the the operation, and I’ve been losing weight nitely — and I will have that done, because avoid being called up to fi ght for the Soviet- world. Education was important to both of us, quickly and steadily. I clearly must have con- I’d like to be able to eat a reasonable-sized backed government at all costs. I completed and we didn’t want our child, especially a girl, sumed so much more than my body needed. meal again. I will have earned that. However, my studies at 17 — too young for the army — not to be able to go to school. I never had fast food, but I might have sat I’m going to work hard at managing my size and secured a place instead at uni versity to A lthough I opposed the Taliban, I stuck by down and eaten half a small chicken. Now I — the friend who inspired me has had her study medicine. I was lucky: some of my the oath doctors make to deliver healthcare have a drumstick, and I’m more than satisfi ed. band for three years, and her weight is stable. friends had to go into military service and lost to everyone . When I visited sick patients I was 127kg (20st) when the surgery was done. If she can do it, I can too. out on their education. Some lost their lives in their homes we sometimes talked about Eleven months later I’m down to 79kg (12½st). I just pray that I’ll see Elah grow up and in the war against the mujahideen. the regime. The people I visited often lived My life has changed hugely. “Aren’t you get married, as well as my two other grand- When the Soviets left in 1989, the situation in desperate poverty without electricity or looking well?” people keep saying. They don’t children, who are due this year. My kids, too in Kabul worsened. Mujahideen targeted the enough to eat. With patients I trusted, I gave say, “Haven’t you lost a lot of weight?” in case — please God — will have me around for city and started fi ring missiles. By the time views about the regime and with those I I feel hurt that they thought I was big before. much longer. I qualifi ed and got a job at a big teaching didn’t trust, I remained silent. I’m not crazy, though. I know how big I was. Until January 2006 I felt as though I was hospital in 1992, the fi ghting had intensifi ed. I still don’t know which one of those I It’s weird, because my psychological out- big. I just can’t tell what I am at this stage. trudging up a huge hill, and since then it Sometimes it was too dangerous to go to trusted betrayed me. But one day Taliban look hasn’t quite caught up with my body yet. Society doesn’t like Nicely rounded? feels as if I have been sliding down the other work; there were so many checkpoints to pass offi cials came to the clinic and arrested me . I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and Some patients replace compulsive eating side. By Easter, the weight problem that has through. I had married by this time; I met my I was held in prison for 11 days and was beaten think, “Who’s that?” I look at photographs fat people. If anyone with other compulsive behaviour, but I’m plagued me my entire life should fi nally be wife at a party and fell in love with her very on my back, feet and face with guns and and I don’t recognise myself . Last Saturday, the opposite. I used to have a couple of gin over. Already, many people don’t recognise quickly. But as the capital became more and lengths of cable. I had said my usual goodbyes we went to a dinner dance and I bought an took a photograph of and tonics and some wine with dinner most me. The psychic turned out to be right more dangerous my family fl ed to Ghazni to my wife and family that morning when evening dress with shoestring straps. I’ve nights, but now I only drink a little wine at about that as well. province in eastern Afghanistan, where we I left for work, assuming I would see them never worn anything like that before. I kept me, I’d try to hide my 17 the weekends. I was drinking because I thought we would be safer. I got a job as a at the end of the day. In fact, it was the last As told to Kira Cochrane. For more information about weight saying to my husband, “I don’t look fat, do I?” was miserable before. My only compulsive loss you can contact the Healthier Weight Centre at www. doctor in a clinic, and w hen the whole country I saw of them, and it would be more than because, in some ways, I still feel really, really chins with my hand behaviour is buying clothes. For years, healthierweight.co.uk, or call 0800 073 1146. came under Taliban control in 1996 I grew a 16 months before I saw daylight sky. →

The idyllic island of Tresco Price includes 4 days from £515 – • Three nights’ dinner, bed and breakfast at the Island Hotel, Tresco • Return standard train fare from London Paddington to Penzance (other main Departs February 13, 16; line departure points and first class rail upgrades are possible on request) March 2, 5, 9, 12, 16, 30; • Return helicopter transfers to the Scilly Isles April 10, 16, 30; • Entry to Tresco’s Abbey Gardens September 24, 28; Five day package to Tresco including the Eden Project and Heligan is also October 1, 5, 8, 12, 15, 19, 2007 available from £695 per person departing March 18 and October 7, 2007 For a selection of Reader Offer holidays visit: guardian.co.uk/travel/readeroffers Call Email: [email protected] 0870 836 0832 Holiday organised by Brightwater Holidays Ltd, Eden Park House, Cupar, Fife KY15 4HS and is offered subject to availability. Calls provided by BT will be charged at up to 8 pence per minute at all times. A call set-up fee of Supplements apply to certain dates. ATOL 4498 ABTOT 5001. 3 pence per call applies to calls from residential lines. Mobile and other providers’ costs may vary.

14 The Guardian 01.01.07 The Guardian 01.01.07 15 Theatres London

ADELPHI 0870 895 5598 GARRICK THEATRE 0870 890 1104 Noël Coward Theatre 0870 850 9175 ST MARTIN'S THEATRE 'Oh what a show!' Independent FELICITY KENDAL 0870 162 8787/0870 160 2878 Tim Rice & Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'A superb star performance' D.Tel WINNER 55th YEAR OF AGATHA CHRISTIE'S EVITA 'The performance of a lifetime' IOS 2006 Variety Club Awards THE MOUSETRAP 'A sensational hit all over again' AMY'S VIEW AVENUE Q Eves 8pm, Tue 2.45, Sat 5pm & 8pm Mail on Sunday BY DAVID HARE 'The funniest show in town' SkyNews Mon-Sat 7.30, Mats Thurs & Sat 2.30 DIRECTED BY PETER HALL Tickets from £17.50 Some good seats available FINAL WEEKS MUST END FEB 17 Mon-Thu 8,Fri 5.45, 8.45,Sat 5 & 8.30 TRAFALGAR STUDIOS www.evitathemusical.com www.avenueqthemusical.co.uk 0870 060 6632 'Brings the house down. GIELGUD THEATRE 0870 950 0915 A REAL HOOT' D.Tel Frank Langella Michael Sheen RIK MAYALL stars in OLD VIC 0870 060 6628 ALDWYCH 0870 400 0845 FROST/NIXON 5 Jan- 17 Feb The New Statesman THE HOTTEST TICKET IN TOWN ES 'The best play of 2006' D.Tel Two Shakespeare Comedies ALAN B'STARD'S Day Seats from 10am TWELFTH NIGHT EXTREMELY SECRET WEAPON DIRTY DANCING Mon-Sat 7.30, Mats Wed & Sat 2.30 THE TAMING OF THE SHREW Mon Sat 7.30, Sat mats 2.30 THE CLASSIC STORY ON STAGE FINAL 4 WEEKS Mon-Sat 7.30pm Wed & Sat 2.30pm Strictly limited season until 27 Jan Mon-Thu 7.45, Fri 5.15 & 8.30, www.oldvictheatre.com www.bstard.co.uk Sat 3 & 7.45 NEW SEATS RELEASED DAILY HAYMARKET 08704000626+bkg fee VAUDEVILLE THEATRE www.dirtydancinglondon.com CLAIRE BILLY PALACE THEATRE 0870 890 0142 BLOOM ZANE 08708900511 SIX DANCE LESSONS 'LAUGHALOT' The International Hit The Times STOMP MONTY PYTHON'S APOLLO VICTORIA IN SIX WEEKS Tues-Sat 8 Thu, Sat, Sun 3 A new play by Richard Alfieri Extra perf 2 Jan 3pm 0870 4000 751/0870 402 0180 SPAMALOT www.stomplondon.com www.WickedTheMusical.co.uk 'Funny & very moving' Sun Tel Books & Lyrics by Music by 'BLOCKBUSTER Mon-Sat 7.30pm Thurs & Sat 3pm Eric Idle John Du Prez & Eric Idle ENTERTAINMENT.' No perf tonight Directed by Mike Nichols Sunday Telegraph www.sixdancelessons.co.uk Starring Tim Curry VICTORIA PALACE Mon-Sat 8, Tues & Sat 3 0870 895 5577/0870 264 3333 WICKED BEST AVAILABILITY TUES MATS WINNER 8 BEST MUSICAL AWARDS 'A WICKED & WONDERFUL HER MAJESTY'S www.montypythonsspamalot.com Music by ELTON JOHN VISION OF OZ' Standard 0870 890 1106 bkg fee/ Book & Lyrics by LEE HALL Aman Samaei . . . ‘This country has Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 2.30pm 0870 060 1765 + fee Directed by STEPHEN DALDRY Day Seats £25 from 10am ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S taught me the meaning of freedom’ MUSICAL PHENOMENON PHOENIX. BO/CC 0870 060 6629 BILLY ELLIOT 20TH PHENOMENAL YEAR THE MUSICAL THE PHANTOM OF WILLY RUSSELL'S With SALLY DEXTER and JAMES GADDAS THE OPERA BLOOD BROTHERS Mon-Sat 7.30, Thu & Sat 2.30pm CAMBRIDGE 0870 890 1102 Extra show Tue 2 Jan 2.30pm on-line chicagolondon.co.uk Directed by HAROLD PRINCE BEST MUSICAL Eves 7.30, Mats Tue & Sat 2.30 ALL MAJOR AWARDS £25 day seats avail daily from 12 CHICAGO www.thephantomoftheopera.com Eves 7.45, Mats Thu 3.00, Sat 4.00 www.billyelliotthemusical.com Aoife Mulholland Annette McLaughlin Ian Kelsey Brenda Edwards Mon-Thurs 8, Fri 4.30 & 8, Sat 3 & 8 LONDON PALLADIUM 08708901108 WYNDHAM'S THEATRE New Year's Day @ 8pm PICCADILLY 0870 060 0123 087095009525 (24hr) THE SOUND OF MUSIC ALEX SAMANTHA Alan Bennett's 'Beg, steal or borrow a ticket' FERNS JANUS THE HISTORY BOYS Sky News AMY NORMAN 'Superb, life-enhancing' Gdn Mon,Weds,Sat 7.30 Tue 7 NUTTALL BOWMAN Mon, Tues, Thurs - Sat 7.30pm 'THIS HAPPIEST OF MUSICALS IS Wed 7pm, Thurs & Sat 2.30pm I probably would have died in that was the grief — for the loss of my country, my When I asked my family, through the friend COMEDY THEATRE Wed & Sat 2.30 0870 060 6637 Day Seats in person from 10am A CONSTANT DELIGHT' S Exp prison — as many others did before and wife, my family, my profession. I yearned for in Peshawar, if it was indeed safe, the message 'Still the sexiest and funniest Frank Loesser's Classic Musical ← show in town' Eve Std 2006 Ballet after me — but my father paid a substantial peace in Afghanistan, so I would be able to go came back, “A million per cent no.” The Taliban THE ROCKY LYCEUM 0870 243 9000 (bkg fee) GUYS and DOLLS Groups (15+) call:0870 152 1000 A Donmar Production bribe to a local Taliban commander. In the home. It was impossible to make contact with still control parts of Afghanistan and know HORROR SHOW or Disney Groups 020 7845 0949 Directed by Michael Grandage Disney Presents WINNER! Olivier Awards 2006 COLISEUM 0870 145 0200 (24hr) middle of the night, a guard opened the door my loved ones; they didn’t know whether I who their enemies are. I lodged a fresh claim Mon-Thu 8pm, Fri & Sat 6pm Outstanding Musical Production ENGLISH NATIONAL BALLET Book online: www.rockyhorror.co.uk THE LION KING "Terrific music, great fun" Times ALICE IN WONDERLAND for me, while another took me out of prison was dead or alive. as soon as possible. Had I not had friends to now booking to 29 July 2007 Mon-Sat 7.30, Wed & Sat mats 2.30 Until 7 Jan Best availability: Tue, Wed GISELLE into a waiting van. I had been praying that One day, the smugglers looking after us support me I would have had to do what other and Thurs eves and Weds matinees From 10 Jan Check daily for returns www.ballet.org.uk my family would fi nd a way to rescue me and said, “We’re going to send you somewhere by destitute asylum seekers do, living a shadowy CRITERION THEATRE 0870 0602313 for all other Perfs PLAYHOUSE THEATRE 'Dizzyingly entertaining' D Tel A limited number of seats & standing 0870 060 6631 when my cell door opened I knew I had been lorry. Wherever it stops, claim asylum.” At life underground and taking a job on the black John Buchan and Alfred Hitchcock's room released daily at noon in MOTOWN'S GREATEST HITS! person at Box Office Concerts given a second chance at life. one point I heard a harsh sound — so loud market. Instead, I spent my days in libraries The 39 Steps Tue-Sat 7.30, Wed & Sat 2.00 DANCING IN THE Mon-Sat 7.45pm, Tue 3pm, Sat 4pm & SUNDAY MATINEES at 3pm The van driver took me to my uncle’s house. that I had to put my hands over my ears — and studying for the exams I needed to pass in 'Clever, very funny, imaginative' Gdn Book Online: www.thelionking.co.uk STREETS Barbican Hall 0207 638 8891 TONIGHT @ 7.30pm I knew I had to get out of the country fast, and realised we were in a tunnel. When the lorry order to be able to practi se medicine in the UK. Xmas Special until 6 Jan GLENN MILLER ORCH Mon-Sat 8, Thu 3, Sat 4.00 In The Festive Mood my journey began a few hours later when a stopped, the driver opened the doors and When I found out earlier this year that my LYRIC 0870 890 1107 'There is no excuse for missing it' Es '***** GENIUS' Ind With special guests lorry arrived to take me over the border to looked shocked to fi nd us crouching there. fresh claim for asylum had succeeded, I felt DOMINION 0870 169 0116/ '****WONDERFUL' Exp 020 7494 5493 'MAGNIFICO' The Sun Pakistan. The lorry was carrying potatoes, We had been told to say nothing and cowered incredible joy . I was safe at last. I was given CABARET PRINCE EDWARD 0870 850 9191 Opera '****UNFORGETTABLE' Tel + fee/ 020 7494 5048 (bkg fee) cereals, kidney beans and apples, and I was silently. I was dazzled by the sight of the sky. leave to remain and a work permit so I will be WE WILL ROCK YOU '**** SENSATIONAL' MoS by QUEEN & BEN ELTON Eves 7.45, Mats Wed & Sat 3 hidden in a small compartment behind the I had lost all sense of time while we travelled able to work again as a doctor and make a con- 'UNMISSABLE' Capital Radio MARY POPPINS Mon-Sat 7.30, Mat Sat 2.30 NOW IN ITS 3RD YEAR ROYAL OPERA HOUSE Mon-Sat 7.30,Mats Thu & Sat 2.30 driver’s cabin. My heart began to beat fast but I soon discovered it was August 2002. tribution to society. The chains of anxiety and Extra show last Wednesday NATIONAL THEATRE 02074523000 67 Day Seats from 10am on the day of every month at 2.30 Best Availability Mon-Wed eves Box office: 0207 304 4000 when Taliban offi cials peered in at the border I spoke good English , and assumed from the stress locked around my brain fell away. But www.nationaltheatre.org.uk www.marypoppinsthemusical.co.uk www.queenonline.com OLIVIER The Royal Ballet GIFT VOUCHERS AVAILABLE THE NUTCRACKER to ask the driver if he was carrying anything he language the police were speaking that I had my joy was full of sadness, too, because my CORAM BOY Today 2.00, 7.00 Wed, Thurs, Fri 7.30 shouldn’t be. He shook his head and invited arrived in Britain. I was taken to an organi- wife and family were not here with me. Every Adapted by Helen Edmundson The Royal Opera From the novel by Jamila Gavin PRINCE OF WALES THEATRE CARMEN them to check. Thankfully, they declined. sation called Refugee Action and told how to day I yearn to see them again. In more than DONMAR 0870 060 6624 Tonight, tomorrow 7.30 0870 850 0393/0870 264 3333 Tues 7.00, Sat 6.30 LYTTELTON Book online: www.mamma-mia.com Linbury Studio Theatre When we fi nally arrived across the border claim asylum. I was so happy to be safe at last fi ve years my only communication with my DON JUAN IN SOHO THE WIND IN THE WILLOWS By Patrick Marber CAROLINE OR CHANGE MAMMA MIA! Tues 2.00, Wed 2.00, Thu 2.00, 7.00 in Peshawar, I laid low and waited for the next and certain that, after the torture I had experi- wife has been brief messages — saying we love after Molière Books & lyrics by Tony Kushner THE SMASH HIT MUSICAL Fri 2.00, Sat 2.00, 7.00 Mon-Sat 7.30, Mats Thu & Sat 2.30 Music by Jeanine Tesori BASED ON THE SONGS OF ABBA Book online: www.roh.org.uk part of my journey to begin. Once you embark enced, I would be given refuge in the UK. and miss each other — sent through the friend Best musical - ES Awards Mon-Thur 7.30, Fri 5.00 & 8.30, FINAL 6 PERFORMANCES Sat 3.00 & 7.30 on such a journey, there is no way back. You I phoned a friend in Peshawar who travelled in Peshawar. Now I’m applying for lots of jobs Tonight 7.30, tomor 2.15 & 7.30 £27.50 day seats released from 10am Today 2.15 & 7.30 have no money, no passport, no visa; the only regularly to Ghazni and asked him to let my as a doctor all over the UK. I hope that as soon DRURY LANE THEATRE ROYAL COTTESLOE 0870 890 1109, 0870 145 1130 + fee choice is to keep moving in the direction the family know I was safe. I was shocked when, a as I fi nd work I will get permission for my wife Winner of every Best Musical Award! WAVES QUEENS THEATRE CORY REECE Suggested by Virginia Woolf's novel 0870 950 0930 + fee smuggler leads you. I and my fellow asylum few weeks later, my claim was refused. I was to join me. We long to be reunited and to fulfi l ENGLISH SHEARSMITH The Waves, devised by Katie Mitchell THE WORLD'S LONGEST & the company RUNNING MUSICAL seekers were locked into houses during the completely out of touch with the world on my our dream of having children at last. THE PRODUCERS Tonight 7.30, tomor 2.30 & 7.30 To advertise please call The new MEL BROOKS musical LES MISERABLES 020 7611 9100 day with the curtains tightly closed, and journey and did not know that September 11 There are many things I miss about my Mon-Sat 7.30; Mats Wed & Sat 2.30 Eves 7.30, Mats Wed & Sat 2.30 were fed the same monotonous diet of soup, had happened. Home Offi ce offi cials told country, most of all my family and friends, LAST WEEK -ENDS SAT NEW AMBASSADORS 0870 0606627 www.lesmis.com 'ONE OF THE BEST NEW PLAYS bread, butter and biscuits whichever country me that after the attack on the twin towers but also our traditions and the eight or nine OF THE YEAR' (Daily Tel) SAVOY THEATRE 0870 164 8787 we passed through. Sometimes we travelled Afghanistan had been invaded and the Taliban months a year of sunshine. I have seen a lot LOVE SONG * * * * *S.Tel DUKE OF YORK'S 08700606623 A new comedy by John Kolvenbach 'Five Star Quality Performances on foot through forests, sometimes in cars or defeated; it would be safe for me to go home. of British hospitality in the past four years 'WINNER BEST PLAY' Directed by John Crowley and Marvellous Music' Obs lorries , but we only ever travelled in darkness . and have met many people who devote them- Evening Standard Theatre Awards Mon-Sat 7.45, Thu & Sat 3pm CLARKE PETERS NICOLA HUGHES FINAL WEEKS LIMITED SEATS AVAIL AT £15 & £25 THE GERSHWINS' Everywhere looked more or less the same to selves to helping others. I feel I belong here in ROCK 'N' ROLL PORGY & BESS me. At each stage we were passed to another the same way as other citizens . This country BY TOM STOPPARD NEW LONDON THEATRE 'The Greatest Songs Ever Written' Every day I yearn to see DIRECTED BY TREVOR NUNN 0870 8900141 Groups 0870 8993342 Independent smuggler. The y barely spoke to us ; we were has taught me the meaning of freedom and Tues-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 2.30pm 'Trevor Nunn at his best' D.Tel Sunday Matinees 3pm BLUE MAN GROUP Mon-Sat 7.30, Wed & Sat 2.30 human parcels on a long production line . human rights, particularly for women. But DAY SEATS AVAILABLE Theatre, Concert, Comedy £20 day seats in person from 10am my wife again. Our only Tues 3 & 8pm, Wed & Fri 8pm They gave the orders, and we obeyed. half my heart is still in Afghanistan. I know Sat 3, 6 & 9pm, Sun 3pm KIDS 1/2 PRICE SAT & SUN 3PM I didn’t mind which country I arrived in. All communication has there are others tortured and threatened with SHAFTESBURY THEATRE FORTUNE BO & CC 0870 060 6626 02073795399 that mattered was being safe and free. Some- death, as I was, and I hope they too will get 18th SPINE-CHILLING YEAR! NOVELLO 0870 950 0940 Susan Hill's RSC LONDON SEASON DADDY COOL times, though, the journey was so hard that I been through notes justice and the same opportunity to experi- Starring MICHELLE COLLINS THE WOMAN IN BLACK MUCH ADO ABOUT HARVEY, JAVINE wanted to give up. The physical hardship was ence freedom as I have had • Adapted by Stephen Mallatratt 'A REAL GUILTY PLEASURE sent through a friend As told to Diane Taylor. 'A VINTAGE THRILLER TO NOTHING THE FULL BONEY M immense, but the hardest thing to deal with CHERISH' The Times Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 2pm EXPERIENCE!' D Mail Mon-Sat 8, Mats Tue 3pm & Sat 4pm www.rsc.org.uk/london Mon-Sat 7.30, Thurs & Sat 3.00 Entertainment 16 The Guardian 01.01.07 PICTURE CHRISTOPHER THOMOND The weekend’s TV

Sam Wollaston So Robin Hood and Little Britain are no longer with us? It’s probably for the best

No Marian, you idiot, you got the wrong one. Maybe Richard CHRISTMAS AT THE 0870 160 2519 Armitage’s Sir Guy of Gisborne is a SOUTH BANK CENTRE www.rfh.org.uk IN WITH THE NEW bad ’un, but he’s got a bit of swagger


 about him and he dresses half decently (if you’re into 80s pomp).

 But then, just as you’re about to tie  the knot, you change your mind and       


    go running off with that irritating little twerp Robin Hood (Saturday, BBC1).  So he’s quite handy with his arrers,        but he’s a moody bugger, and he looks     
 like Bambi. “Do you take this man, and this 
 horse?” he shouts. See? I told you      
there was something funny about him.   

 You can rob from the rich and give to the poor all day long, but that doesn’t       make threesomes with animals accept-                  able. But, of course, Marian does take 
  

    
  them, and they go galloping off into CIRKUS CIRKÖR & KALEIDOSKOP the sunset. It’s not quite the end. The   king returns home from the Holy Land    
 (hurrah!). Then he turns out not to be 
  

 the king at all, but one of the sheriff ’s THEATRE CIRCUS DANCE MUSIC  
 

      men pretending to be the king (boo!). QUEEN ELIZABETH HALL 23 DEC 2006–7 JAN 2007 So guess who saves the day (hurrah!). And Keith Allen’s sheriff is left dangling by a rope from the roof (hurrah again!). And that’s it, series over (the biggest hurrah of all!). Because it’s been pretty lame, to be honest. I gave up a while ‘He’s quite handy That’s passed now — there’s less that if they are, they’re dead chuff ed ago, and just came back for the end. with his arrers, yeah-but-no-but-ing in the nation’s it’s happening but soon get bored and The script was the problem — as clunky but he’s moody, playgrounds. And these festive specials, switch over. Or go out — it is New Year’s as the Sheriff of Nottingham in a full and he looks like with a Who’s Who of British comedy Eve, after all. Ends 16 December - final 8 performances suit of armour. With his seat belt on. Bambi’ . . . Robin lining up to get in on the act, feel like It does just about get away with it, Love and Money And in trying to make it modern and Hood (BBC1) the fi nal strains of some pompous mainly by being presented by Julie appealing to today’s youth, they some- prog-rock anthem that keeps almost Burchill. She’s just so totally and Christmas at the Dennis Kelly’s latest play how managed to strip any romance or ending, but then there’s yet another brilliantly diff erent from anything else ‘One of the best new sexiness from it. If the BBC’s drama drum roll, you know the ones I mean? that ever appears on television. And London Coliseum plays of the year. people think that Robin Hood in any Stop it, while you’re still (just) ahead. we get to see that clip of Geri Halliwell A brilliant jigsaw way fi lled the hole left by Doctor Who, The Spice Girls: 10 Years of Girl goosing Prince Charles again — it’s puzzle of modern life’ then they need their heads looking at. Power (Sunday, Sky One) is Modern worth it just for that. Girl Power! The Nutcracker The Daily Telegraph 8 - 24 December Is that it for Little Britain, too? At the Review TV. Brainy women sit around Careless Whiskers: The Unseen #### ‘Outstanding’ end of this second festive Little Britain debating the role Sporty, Posh, Baby, George Michael (Saturday, Five) Alice in The Guardian Abroad (Saturday, BBC1), Tom Baker Scary and Ginger played in feminism at certainly doesn’t get away with it. The says: “For this really is the end of Little the end of the 20th century. Did Greer, premise behind this show appears to Until 27 January Wonderland Britain . . . Abroad.” Is that a hint that Dworkin and Wolf lose their relevance be that George Michael used to pretend 28 December - 7 January The Enchanted Pig there’s more to come, another special in the face of “I wanna, I wanna, I not to be gay, and most people, even ‘Each Christmas the next Christmas, perhaps? wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really his close friends, didn’t know he was. Giselle Young Vic produces I hope not. I think Lucas and really wanna zig-a-zig ha”? Then he came out, and now we all 10 - 13 January one of the most Walliams would do well to end it now, I’d like to know if the Spice Girls know he’s gay! 214005. glowing and inventive rather than see it tail off slowly into themselves are watching. My guess is There are some fascinating insights Tickets from £10 shows of the year’ The Observer irrelevance. Actually, I was never a into this — from some bloke who used Call 0870 145 0200 big Little Britain enthusiast — it never If the BBC think that Robin to know George, from a DJ at a club in www.ballet.org.uk Under 26s £9.50 for seemed clever or funny enough to Haringey, from a lady in America who every performance Registered charity No. get away with its off ensiveness. But Hood in any way fi lled the used to really, really like Wham. And I realise this is a minority view and then some idiot decided that this was Book now! 020 7922 2930 there was a peak, round about a year hole left by Doctor Who, they worth an hour of Sat- www.youngvic.org ago, when it played a big part in the urday night television. Young Vic, 66 The Cut, London SE1 8LZ country’s cultural identity. need their heads looking at Happy new year. Photo: Patrick Baldwin. Photo: Patrick Entertainment The Guardian 01.01.07 19 Radio Television

Hardeep Singh Kohli, Shopkeepers of the Nation, R4 King Kong, Sky Movies 2 Freeview Shirley MacLaine 11.0 The Sky One Pick of the day Radio Rest of radio Hillside Stranglers 12.0 6.0am Daniel And The E4 Rudolph Valentino 1.0 Marlon Superdogs 8.0 The Film picks 6.0am E4 Music: Brando 2.0 Close Curse Of King Tut Uninterrupted 10.05 11.40 America’s Dumbest Suzanne Berne’s novel The Ghost At Radio 3 Radio 4 BBC 7 Radio 1 With Zarina Khan 10.0 Sugababes: A Night At The Discovery Criminals 12.0 Malcolm In Paul Howlett 90.2-92.4 MHz 92.4-94.6 MHz Digital 97.6-99.8 MHz Bobby Friction 1.0 As Radio Dominion 10.55 Red Square: 6.0am - 5.30am Deadliest The Middle 2.0 The Simpsons the Table feels like a fi tting Book At Five Live 5.0 Devotional Featuring Scissor Sisters Catch 5.30 How It’s Made 9.0 Clueless 10.55 Bones Sounds Bedtime (10.45pm, Radio 4) for this 7.0 Morning On 3. Purcell: 6.0 Do You Know What 6.30 Albert And Me 7.0 7.0 Fearne & Reggie 10.0 12.0 Gwen Stefani Live In 11.55 Ross Kemp On Gangs Incidental music: Dioclesian. You’re Saying? (R) 6.30 Gift The Little Toe Radio Show Chappers And Dave 1.0 Sara Concert 1.05 Girls Aloud: Hallmark 1.50 Stargate SG-1 3.30 time of year, dealing as it does with Rimsky-Korsakov: Concerto Of A Goat (R) 7.0 Today 9.0 8.0 The Goon Show 8.30 Cox 4.0 Scott Mills Presents‘ Virgin Radio Live And Lovely 2.05 Scrubs 6.0am Perry Mason: The Guilty! 4.20 Taste 5.10 Dream 2.35 Scrubs 3.05 Smallville: Singin’ in the Rain far-fl ung family members thrust into for Trombone. Mozart: Six Start The Week 9.45 (LW) Knowing Me, Knowing One Night With Laura — The 1215, 1197, 1233, 1242, Case Of The Lethal Lifestyle Team German dances. Fauré: Act Of Worship 9.45 (FM) You 9.0 P Division — Code Special” 7.0 Radio 1’s Tips 1260 kHz, 105MHz Superman The Early Years 8.0 Murder Times Seven 3pm, TCM unwonted and unwanted intimacy Barcarolle No 1 in A minor. Book Of The Week: Books Four One. Thriller by Peter For 2007 12.0 The Radio 1 3.55 Switched Up! 4.25 10.0 Jane Doe: Shaken & UKTV Gold Bach: Overture: Adriano in To Change Your Life By. Turnbull. Rock Show 2.0 The Radio 1 6.0 Ben Jones 10.0 Neil Switched Up! 4.55 Friends Stirred 12.0 Columbo: Grand 6.0am The Good Life (Gene Kelly, Stanley Donen, 1952) One of with a) one another and b) oversized Siria. Falla: Suite Populaire. Kerry Shale reads How to Punk Show With Mike Davies Francis 2.0 Rock‘n’ Roll 5.55 Wife Swap 7.0 Scrubs Deceptions 2.0 Diagnosis 6.35 EastEnders 7.10 poultry. Sisters Frances (angular and Win Friends and Infl uence 4.0 JK And Joel’s My Tunes Football With Dominic 7.30 Scrubs 8.0 Friends 9.0 Murder: The House On What A Carry On! 7.45 the great Hollywood musicals, in which People, by Dale Carnegie. Johnson 6.0 Greg Burns Big Brother Most Outrageous Sycamore Street 4.0 McBride: Doctor Who 8.40 Doctor stars, songs and sets meld into a joyous anxious) and Cynnie (astute but lonely) Radio 2 10.0 Robin Burke 2.0 John Moments 10.0 Stepmom The Doctor Is Out, Really Who 9.35 Only Fools And Osborne 12.25 Shameless 1.25 Out 6.0 Jane Doe: Shaken & Horses Greatest Moments celebration of . . . the Hollywood have managed to sustain the appear- 88-91 MHz Shameless 2.25 Stepmom Stirred 8.0 Murder In Black 11.35 Carry On Up The 4.25 Smallville: Superman And White 10.0 Through Jungle 1.20 Carry On musical. And while the Gene Kelly/ ance of closeness as long as they were 10.15 New Year’s Day 10.0 Woman’s Hour. With 10.0 The Pallisers. 7.30 Richard Allinson 10.0 BBC London Concert From Vienna. Jenni Murray. Including at Dramatisation of the novel The Early Years 5.05 Switched Saturday Night Fever, Sky Cinema 2 Naked Eyes 12.0 Law & Order: Matron 3.0 Carry On Debbie Reynolds romance is airy-light, on opposite sides of America. But now Ken Bruce 1.0 The Great 94.9 MHz Up! 5.25 Switched Up! 5.55 Special Victims Unit 1.0 The Follow That Camel 4.50 Only Zubin Mehta conducts 10.45 Drama: Part one of sequence by Anthony British Battle Of The Bands the traditional concert. The Goddess, by Prabhat Trollope. Close Sky Cinema 2 TCM Shield 2.0 The Shield 3.0 Fools And Horses Top 40 there’s a hard satirical edge to the that their estranged father has resur- 4.0 Old Radio 2’s Digital 6.0 JoAnne Good 9.0 Including at 10.50 Twenty Kumar Mukherjee. 11.0 Centurions. Discussion 7.0am The Lost Weekend 6.35am Beau Brummell The Shield 4.0 Murder Times Moments 6.50 Sister Act II: Almanac 6.0 Tim Minchin Vanessa Feltz 12.0 Robert portrayals of the tough-nut studio faced, they fi nd themselves reunited Minutes: The Ormolu Clock 11.0 Shopkeepers Of The on American playwright Five US 8.50 Sky Movies News 9.20 8.30 Red Dust 10.05 The Seven Back In The Habit 9.0 Meet And Friends 7.0 The Record Elms 3.0 Danny Baker 5.0 by Muriel Spark. Nation. Hardeep Singh Kohli Arthur Miller. 4.0pm Mission: Impossible Island In The Sky 11.20 Bus Unsuspected 12.0 The The Parents 11.05 Little bosses wrestling with the arrival of Producers 8.0 Humphrey Drivetime 7.0 Sport With for a tense and chilly Thanksgiving. As investigates the corner shop. 11.15 Westway 5.0 Happy Days 5.30 Stop 1.10 The Lost Weekend Bridge On The River Kwai 3.0 Paramount Britain 11.40 Dalziel And Lyttelton 9.0 Big Band Steve Bunce 10.0 Jumoke 11.30 Clare In The 11.30 Tales Of Beatrix Happy Days 6.0 Pimp 3.05 Billion Dollar Brain 5.10 Singin’ In The Rain 4.50 The 6.0am QVC — Shopping Pascoe 1.50 Dalziel And sound. Probably Kelly’s finest hour, too, the day arrives, they discover the accu- Special 9.30 Mark Lamarr’s Fashola 2.0 Big George Community Potter My Ride 6.30 Pimp My Ride Bus Stop 7.0 Billion Dollar Searchers 7.0 Elvis: That’s Made Easy 9.0 Two And Pascoe 3.05 Only Fools And with his giddy, lovestruck pitter-patter racy of a friend’s remark that “families Alternative Sixties 10.30 7.0 Joey 7.30 Joey 8.0 Whose Brain 9.0 The Hand 11.0 The Way It Is 9.0 Body Heat A Half Men 9.30 Two Horses Top 40 Moments 4.40 12.0 (LW) News Headlines; 12.0 The Goon Show Mark Radcliff e 12.0 Janice Line Is It Anyway? 8.30 Saturday Night Fever 1.10 11.05 Bright Lights, Big City And A Half Men 10.0 The Good Life 5.10 Alistair through the puddles. are toxic and blood is bloody”. The Long 3.0 Tim Smith Xfm Shipping Forecast 12.30 I’m Sorry I Haven’t A 104.9 MHz Whose Line Is It Anyway? 9.0 Gregory’s Girl 2.50 Saturday 1.15 Come Fly With Me 3.0 The King Of Queens 10.30 McGowan’s Big Impression reader’s Debora Weston. 12.0 (FM) News Clue. First aired in 2002. Stephen King’s Nightmares & Night Fever 5.0 Island In Teleshopping 5.0 Damon And The King Of Queens 11.0 5.30 Starstruck Classics 5.35 12.04 The Unbelievable 1.0 Baldi. Murder mystery by Radio Five Live 6.0 Lauren Laverne 10.0 Dreamscapes 10.0 Conviction The Sky Pythias Scrubs 11.30 Scrubs 12.0 Neighbours Elsewhere, Kerry Shale has an Truth. Game show. (R) Simon Brett 693, 909 kHz Ian Camfi eld 1.0 Shaun 11.0 CSI: Crime Scene Everybody Loves Raymond King Kong extract from How to Win Friends and 12.30 Don Bradman — Myth, 1.45 Paradise Lost. 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With Five Live Sport 7.30 6-0-6 Hillcock 9.25am Xtra Factor: Best Cruise Control 12.50 A Pig’s 11.30 Christmas Music Men 3.30 Two And A Half UEFA Cup Football 9.30 Merian C Cooper’s 1933 classic was a and repeated, Radio 4). “Why not Debussy, John Cage. (R) Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis. 8.30 The Weekend News And Worst 10.30 Xtra Factor: Tale 2.40 Valiant 4.0 Nanny From Rosslyn Chapel Men 4.0 The King Of Queens International Football 10.0 Five Live At The Ashes Best And Worst 11.30 Xtra McPhee 5.45 Speed 2: Cruise 12.0 Paul McCartney In Red 4.30 The King Of Queens 5.0 10.30 Alpine Skiing 11.15 long-cherished ambition of Peter “Lord study the technique of the greatest 2.0 Afternoon Performance. 2.0 The Archers (R) 2.0 Legal, Decent, Honest 1.0 Up All Night 5.0 Morning Capital Radio Factor: Best And Worst Control 8.0 The 40 Year Old Square 12.50 Sister Everybody Loves Raymond Ski Jumping 12.45 Live Ski 95.8 MHz of the Rings” Jackson. 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New series Seconds 11.15 Coronation 6.40am The Prince And Me 7.0 The Unnamable Little 12.15 South Park 12.45 Sky Sports 1 Island to make a movie, where they with Chris Sperring. Coe 1.0 Nemone 4.0 Steve Kam Kelly Street 11.45 Coronation 8.40 Raising Helen 10.40 Broom 7.15 Liberace: Mr South Park 1.15 Comedy 6.0am FA Cup Classics 6.30 down the street. 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R4 a poignant relationship develops 5.0 At The Piano. New series. Dream Ticket With Joe Mace The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Live At Montreux 10.0 Blott 4.30 That 70s Show 5.0 Sir Soccer Special 12.30 Live 4.30 Beyond Belief. New Film Petroc Trelawny examines 1.0 Resolutions 07 2.0 Chris Engagement 7.0 King Kong On The Landscape 11.0 Leslie Quint: A Life In Film Football Special 3.0 Soccer between the monster and the showgirl. series. 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Stories, competitions and 9.0 The Long Kiss Goodnight Sci-Fi 11.0 Live Test Cricket Outlook 11.0 World Briefi ng Of Venice — Sacred Songs And Carols quizzes. 11.10 Love And Sex 12.45 6.0am Scariest Places 11pm, 2.50am, Sky Cinema 2 Radio marked the New Year with a 6.0 Easier Breakfast 8.0 11.20 World Business Report 2.0 Close Flesh 3.30 Close On Earth 7.0 La Femme Sky Sports 2 Simon Bates 12.0 The Classic 11.30 World Briefi ng 11.41 Sky Movies 3 weekend of notable drama, the high- 6.30 New Generation 6.0 Six O’Clock News 6.0 The Silver Chair. By Nikita 8.0 Teleshopping 6.0am Aerobics Oz Style (John Badham, 1977) John Travolta FM Most Wanted 1.0 Classic Analysis 11.50 Sports 7.30am Racing Stripes 9.30 Biography Artists. Beethoven: Trio. 6.30 Just A Minute. New CS Lewis. Sky Cinema 1 11.0 Ultimate Trek: Star 6.30 Shift Adventure light of which was Trevor Nunn’s di- FM Requests 4.0 Drivetime Round-Up 12.0 World A Good Woman 11.25 Jack 8.0am Ultimate Manilow struts his Bee Gees stuff in the role that Bach: Sonata No 2 in A series. 6.50 Stravaganza. Time- 6.0am West Side Story 8.55 Trek’s Greatest Moments Snowriders 7.0 Aerobics Oz 7.0 Smooth Classics At News 12.06 Dirty Business Black On Camera 11.55 9.0 Phil Collins Finally — recting debut on radio with Tom Stop- minor. Gwilym Simcock: 7.0 The Archers. Tom has a travel fantasy by Mary Classics On Sky Movies 9.25 12.0 Cowboy Bebop: Style 7.30 Shift Adventure Quentin Tarantino held dear when Seven 9.0 Evening Concert 12.30 Health Check 1.0 Duma 1.55 Racing Stripes The First Farewell Tour 10.0 Piano Improvisations. confession to make. Hoff man. Barefoot In The Park 11.30 Knockin On Heaven’s Snowriders 8.0 Ice Skating 12.0 Lisa Duncombe 2.0 Newshour 1.55 Sports 4.0 A Good Woman 6.0 Cher: The Farewell Tour 12.0 pard’s play, The Real Thing (Radio 4). 7.30 BBC Proms 2006. 7.15 Front Row. With Oliver 7.0 The Goon Show. Classic Lawrence Of Arabia 3.20 West Door 2.20 The Flash 4.10 9.0 Ice Skating 10.0 Rugby reinventing Travolta-as-screen-icon in Mark Griffi ths News 2.0 World News 2.06 Duma 8.0 Ocean’s Twelve David Bowie — A Reality Tour Rossini, Donizetti, Granados, Stone and Emilio Estevez. comedy sketches from 1960. Side Story 6.0 Barefoot In The Spaceballs 6.0 Jason And Union 10.30 Ryder Cup And it was, dramatically, the real thing: Outlook 3.0 World Briefi ng 10.20 Beyond The Sea 1.0 Tom Jones Live From Pulp Fiction: his Tony Manero, shop Falla, Menendez and Utrera 7.45 The Goddess. By 7.30 I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Park 8.0 Lawrence Of Arabia The Argonauts 8.0 Angel 9.0 Special 12.30 Boxing Special 3.30 Culture Shock 4.0 12.25 UK Box Offi ce Hits Of Cardiff Castle 3.0 Ultimate a tautly directed cracker. Plays within arr Pena, Monge arr Pena Prabhat Kumar Mukherjee. Clue. First aired in 2002. TalkSPORT 11.35 All About My Mother Medium 1.0 Evil Dead II 2.35 2.30 Live Rugby Union 5.0 assistant by day, disco king by night, World Briefi ng 4.20 World 2006 12.45 Moonlight And Manilow 4.0 Queen: Live and more. (R) 1089, 1053 kHz 1.35 Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! Demon House 4.05 Scariest Boxing Special 7.0 Rugby plays are hard to pull off on radio, Business Report 4.30 Health Valentino 2.55 Sky Movies In Budapest 6.0 Rudolph crackles with energy, his likable persona 3.40 Coldblooded 5.30 The Places On Earth 5.05 Scariest Union 8.25 Football First 9.45 Belief. Joan Bakewell 8.0 Red Nostalgia. Louise 8.0 P Division — Code Four Check 5.0 Europe Today News 3.25 One Good Cop Valentino 7.0 Marlon Brando where you only have voices to guide 6.0 Keith Arthur 8.0 Ian Story Of The Weeping Camel 5.30 Hello Again 8.0 Warren Beatty 9.0 Places On Earth 5.45 What’s On disguising the laddism of his friends. talks to Puck Hansen travels through One. Thriller by Peter Danter And Jason Cundy 6.0 World News 6.06 World you to who’s who, and Stoppard’s Muslim former Soviet countries. Turnbull. 12.0 Football First 5.0 Final — Have Your Say 7.0 World includes an extra trick, fi lling it full of academic 8.30 Crossing Continents. 9.0 The Pallisers. Whistle 8.0 G’Day Sport Briefi ng 7.20 World Business and feminist The conversion of thousands Dramatisation of the novel 10.0 James Whale 1.0 The Report 7.30 Culture Shock characters not quite telling the truth, Professor of low-status Hindus to sequence by Anthony Ian Collins Show With Chessy 8.0 World News 8.06 Dirty BBC1 North West (Charles Vidor, 1952) Nation — The National IQ Haleh Buddhism. (R) Trollope. Business 8.30 Health Check Regional variations 4.40pm-4.50 North West 8.50 The Rockford Files Test 11.15 City Slickers especially to themselves. Harriet 9.0 Planet Earth Under Afshar. (R) 1Xtra 9.0 Newshour 10.0 World Tonight (S) 9.45 Fair City (R) (S) (Ron Underwood, 1991) Threat. Briefi ng 10.20 Analysis 10.15 New Year’s Day Includes RTE News Walter as Charlotte, starring in her 9.30 Start The Week Digital 10.30 Business Daily 10.50 Book At BBC1 Wales 4.40pm- Concert 2007 12.45 RTE followed by Weather husband’s play about adultery, was Bedtime, R4 9.58 Weather Sports Round-Up 11.0 S4C 7.0am Planed Plant — Patagonia (R) (S) (AD) 6.0 Jason 9.0 Rampage 12.0 The World Today 11.30 Bach (S) 8.0 Planed 8.30 Pobol Y Cwm (S) 9.0 4.50 Wales Today (S) News And Weather (S) Forecast and An Evening especially impressive in the clashes 10.15 BBC Proms 2006. 10.0 The World Tonight 10.0 Knowing Me, Knowing Nesha 3.0 Ace And Vis 6.0 Culture Shock 12.0 World Plant 9.0 The Rugrats Cefn Gwlad (S) (AD) 9.30 12.55 Home And Away Prayer. 1.25 Spies Like G Gabrieli, Monteverdi, 10.45 Book At Bedtime: You Ronnie Herel’s Classic RNB News 12.06 Dirty Business Movie (Igor Kovalyov, Newyddion (S) 9.40 The Radio Wales (882, 657 (S) 1.25-2.0 EastEnders Us (John Landis, 1985) in the play-within-the-play with her Grandi, Rigatti, Cavalli. (R) The Ghost At The Table. 10.30 Ed Reardon’s Week. Anthems 10.0 Original Fever 12.30 Health Check 1.0 Norton Virgien, 1998) 2006 Fame Review (S) kHz; 93.9-95.9, 103.7- (R) (S) 1.25 RTE News 3.10-6.0 EuroNews co-star, Max, played by Roger Allam. Suzanne Berne’s novel about Ed’s agent tries to get him With P And Skitz 12.0 1Xtra World Briefi ng 1.20 World 103.9 MHz) 6.0am And Weather (S) 2.0 childhood memories. a job. Live In 2007 3.0 Bailey Business Report 1.30 World (S) Animation, with 12.40 Nuns On The Run Max fi nds Charlotte’s passport at their 11.0 (LW) Test Match 11.0 Hamish And Dougal: Briefi ng 1.41 Analysis 1.50 the voice of Elizabeth (Jonathan Lynn, 1990) Early Breakfast 8.0 Good News Review Of The Year RTE Two 7.10am An house, and so realises she isn’t abroad Special. Australia v England. You’ll Have Had Your Tea Asian Network Sports Round-Up 2.0 Daily. 10.20 Star Trek (S) Comedy, starring Morning Wales 9.03 Roy (R) 3.05 Shortscreen American Tail: The 11.0 (FM) Word Of Mouth 11.15 The Goldfi sh Bowl Digital World Briefi ng 2.20 World IV: The Voyage Home Eric Idle and Robbie Noble 11.03 Owen Money 3.15-6.0 Chitty Chitty Mystery Of The Night on a business trip. He had found it at 11.30 (FM) Classical 11.30 Comedy Showcase Business Report 2.30 (Leonard Nimoy, 1986) Coltrane. 2.20 Duratta 12.32 Philip Pullman And Bang Bang (Ken Hughes, Monster (Larry Latham, Comedy (R) Singin’ in the Rain, TCM home once before, when she claimed 6.0 Sonia Deol 9.0 Culture Shock 3.0 World (S) Sci-fi adventure, (Morshedul Islam, 2005) Enid Jones 1.05 Doctor 1968) 3.15 European 2000) 8.25 The Loft Murtz 12.0 Asian News 3.06 Outlook starring William Shatner. Drama, starring Fahad. Who — A Celebration Weather 6.0 The Angelus 10.30-1.15 Wakey to be in Amsterdam. “I must say, I 12.0 Composer Of The 12.0 (FM) News And 12.0 Murderers And Other 4.0 The World Trenbirth, 2003) 4.05 Cameron, 1994) 12.0 Week: Mozart’s Vienna Weather 12.30 (FM) Book Of Friends 12.15 Fever Pitch Network Report 12.30 Planed Plant 4.05 Transworld Sport (S) (R) 2.35 Sportstime 6.01 RTE News: Six One Wakey: Wakey Wakey 12.30 Murtz Today 5.0 D2: The Mighty Ducks Shortscreen 12.15 Two take my hat off to you, coming home Contemporaries. Including: The Week: Books To Change 12.30 The Seventh Dimension World Briefi ng Bach (S) 1.30 Channel 4 5.05-7.0 Diwedd 6.03 Who Could Ask For And Weather (S) 6.25 10.30 Wakey Wakey: (Sam Weisman, 1994) Sounds: Eminem: The Paisiello, Salieri, Sarti, Your Life By (R) 12.48 (FM) 1.0 P Division — Code Four 4.0 Yasmeen Anything More 7.03 Cable Gerry Ryan’s Top TV Jam 11.0 The Memoriser with Rembrandt placemats for your Khan 7.0 5.20 World Racing From Cheltenham 6.0-7.0 TTV: TTV 6.0 Live Show 1.45 Cruel Righini. (R) 1.0 Through Shipping Forecast 1.0 World One 2.0 The Pallisers 3.0 Business Rock 8.02 Adam And Mal Hitlist 7.30 Scannal! (R) 11.30 Drake & Josh The Night. Grieg: String Service Knowing Me, Knowing You Gagan Grewal (S) 3.45 A Christmas BBC1 North 4.40pm- TTV: The Simpsons (R) Intentions (Roger mother,” he says, spitting each word 8.0 (East Mids) Report Message From Fonejacker 4.50 Look North (S) 10.03 Chris Needs 1.0- 8.0 Test The Nation — The 11.55 That’s So Raven Quartet No 2 in G minor. 3.30 Ed Reardon’s Week 4.0 5.30 World (S) 6.30 Home And Away Kumble, 1999) 3.25 Two out. “It’s those touches that lift adul- Stenhammar: String Hamish And Dougal 4.15 The Gujarati With (S) 3.55 Y Clwb Rygbi 6.0 As BBC World Service National IQ Test 9.0 12.45 The Cafe 1.15 (R) (S) 7.0 Ugly Betty 8.0 Sounds: Other Voices Mahesh Nathwani Briefi ng 5.41 EastEnders (S) 9.30 RTE Parent Trap III (Mollie tery out of the moral arena and make it Quartet No 4 in A minor. Goldfi sh Bowl 4.30 Comedy Analysis 5.50 Sports (S) 6.0 Proms Plant (S) BBC1 North East EastEnders (S) (R) 4.20 Reverb 4.45 Plus, Varacini, Respighi, Showcase 5.0 Baldi 5.45 8.0 (West Mids) 7.0 Rownd A Rownd (S) 4.40pm-4.50 Look RTE One 6.30am Hans News: Nine O’Clock And Miller, 1989) 2.50 The Mirpuri Round-Up 8.35 Ugly Betty 9.30 Nightscreen 5.0-7.40 a matter of style.” Elisabeth Mahoney Palestrina, Haydn and more. Paradise Lost Emilio Estevez, Front Row, R4 (AD) 7.30 Dau Yn Un North (S) Christian Andersen Weather (S) 9.55 Test The Jungle Book 2 (Steve True Lies (James EuroNews 20 The Guardian 01.01.07 The Guardian 01.01.07 21 Television

The South Bank Show, ITV1 Curb Your Enthusiasm. More4 Watch this Sarah Dempster BBC1 BBC2 ITV1 Channel 4 Five BBC3 BBC4 LivingTV More4 6.0 Breakfast (S) 9.0 6.0 CBeebies: Fimbles (R) 6.0 GMTV: Wakey! Wakey! 6.10 The Hoobs (R) (S) 6.0 Milkshake!: Elmo’s World 6.0 Home Shopping 6.30 10.20 Hill Street Blues (R) New Year, New You: What (S) (SL) 6.20 The Story 7.25 Toonattik (S) 9.25 (AD) (SL) 6.35 The Hoobs (R) (S) 6.15 Rolie Polie Olie Home Shopping 7.0 Divorce 11.20 Deal Or No Deal (R) I’d Really Like To Do (S) Makers (R) (S) (AD) (SL) The Unforgettable Benny (R) (S) (AD) 7.0 Freshly (R) (S) 6.40 MechaNick (R) Court 7.30 Divorce Court (S) 12.10 Countdown (R) 9.45 City Hospital Winter 6.40 Balamory (R) (S) (AD) Hill (R) (S) 9.55 Calamity Squeezed 7.30 Friends (R) (S) 6.50 Hi-5 (R) (S) (SL) 8.0 Just Shoot Me 8.30 (S) 1.0 The Jungle Book Health Special (S) 10.45 7.0 Lazy Town (R) (S) 7.30 Jane (David Butler, 1953) (S) (AD) 7.55 Everybody 7.25 Rupert Bear (R) (S) Just Shoot Me 9.0 The (Zoltan Korda, 1942) (S) To Buy Or Not To Buy (S) CBBC: The Snow Queen (R) (S) Superb musical western Loves Raymond (R) (S) 7.40 Little Princess (R) (S) Nanny (S) 9.30 The Nanny Unexceptional adaptation 11.15 Bargain Hunt (R) (S); Raven 8.30 Animal starring Doris Day as six- 8.25 Will & Grace (R) (S) 7.55 Make Way For Noddy (S) 10.0 Bewitched 10.30 of Rudyard Kipling’s tale. (S) 12.0 Cash In The Attic Park (R) (S) 9.30 Castle In gun-totin’ Jane. 11.50 8.50 T4: The Simpsons (R) (S) 8.05 Fifi And The Bewitched 11.0 Charmed Starring Sabu. 3.0 ER (R) 4.0 (S) 12.45 The Archbishop The Country (R) (S) 10.0 Quincy ME (R) (S) 12.50 The (R) (S) 9.20 Friends (R) Flowertots (R) (S) 8.20 (AD) 12.0 Charmed (AD) Oliver Twist (David Lean, Of Canterbury’s New Year Churchill’s Bodyguard (S) Price Is Right (S) 1.20 ITV (S) 9.55 The Simpsons (R) Peppa Pig (R) (S) 8.25 1.0 Grey’s Anatomy 2.0 1948) (S) Made before his Message (R) (S) 12.50 BBC 10.50 The Munsters (R) News And Weather (S) 1.30 (S) 10.25 Friends (R) (S) Thomas & Friends (S) 8.40 Grey’s Anatomy 3.0 Grey’s movies got too bloated, News And Weather (S) 1.05 (S) 11.15 New Year’s Day Superman (Richard Donner, 10.55 Celebrity Predictions: Roobarb And Custard Too (R) Anatomy 4.0 Grey’s Lean’s brilliant take on Keeping Up Appearances (R) Concert 2007 (S) 12.50 1978) (S) (AD) Overrated What Will Happen In 2007? (S) 8.50 Mio Mao (R) (S) 9.0 Anatomy 5.0 Grey’s Dickens’ novel. Starring Alec (S) 1.35 Diagnosis Murder Jools’ Annual Hootenanny superhero adventure (S) 11.25 Friends (R) (S) Britain’s Worst DIYer (R) (S) Anatomy Guinness as Fagin. Screen life (R) (S) 2.20 Seabiscuit 2006 (R) (S) 1.35 3:10 To starring Christopher Reeve 11.50 Robbie Williams: 9.30 Buildings That Shaped (Gary Ross, 2003) (S) Yuma (Delmer Daves, 1957) as the Man of Steel. 4.05 Live In Cologne (R) (S) 1.30 Britain (R) (S) 10.30 Trisha Rousing, Depression-era tale (S) Powerful western with Creature Comforts (R) (S) Channel 4 Racing From Goddard (R) (S) 11.30 Five Pippa Haywood of a racehorse succeeding Glenn Ford. 3.05 Ready, 4.15 Chitty Chitty Bang Cheltenham (S) 3.45 A Place News (S) 12.0 Home And against the odds. 4.30 BBC Steady, Cook (S) 3.50 Bang (Ken Hughes, 1968) In The Sun (R) (S) 4.45 Come Away (R) (S) (AD) (SL) 12.30 News And Weather (S) 4.40 Weakest Link (S) 4.35 Final (S) (AD) Fun musical tale of a Dine With Me (S) 5.15 Deal Half A Sixpence (George Regional News Programmes Score (S) 5.15 The Great wacky professor who invents Or No Deal (S) Sidney, 1967) (S) Musical. (S); Weather 4.50 The Sarah Escape (John Sturges, a fl ying motor. Starring Dick 3.20 Clash Of The Titans Pippa Haywood plays sex-obsessed Jane Adventures (S) 5.50 1963) (S) Classic POW Van Dyke, Sally Ann Howes (Desmond Davis, 1981) (S) Expedition Borneo (S) escape drama. and Lionel Jeff ries. Fantasy. 5.30 Five News (S) Joanna Clore in Green Wing, which ends this week with a one-off special. 6.20 The Wind In 6.45 ITV News And 6.05 Addams Family 6.0 Home And Away 6.05 Deal Or No Deal 6.0 Extreme Her previous credits include playing the The Willows (S) (AD) Weather (S) Values (Barry (S) (AD) Tara tries to Makeover Featuring a (R) (S) With Noel Excellent live-action Sonnenfeld, 1993) frame Lucas. one-time class clown, Edmonds. long-suff ering Helen Brittas in the 1990s adaptation of Kenneth (S) The Addams hire 6.30 In The Grid Les who recently married a sitcom The Brittas Empire. Grahame’s children’s a nanny. Bad move. Dennis hosts. younger woman, and a The Wind in the Willows, BBC1 classic. With Matt Well-scripted comedy career soldier. Lucas, Bob Hoskins and sequel, with Anjelica You once described Joanna as “a Expedition Borneo idyll. This year’s example Mark Gatiss. Huston and Raul Julia. Dead Clever, ITV1 ghastly, terribly old, slutty, egotistical, is a particularly fi ne angry whore”. Has she improved at all 5.50pm, BBC1 7.0 Emmerdale 7.45 Channel 4 News 7.0 Kenneth Branagh 7.0 The Real Hustle 7.0 New Year’s 7.0 Will & Grace (S) 7.0 Grand Designs concoction in that a) it stars (S) (AD) Toni says (S) Films The Magic (R) (S) Another batch Day Concert 2007 Jack’s determined to (R) (S) Kevin for the fi nal episode? Some hunky biologists set Matt Lucas as an amusingly goodbye to the village. Flute (S) A behind- of cons, including the (S) Zubin Mehta help Elliot make the McCloud revisits a No, there’s just a descent into further up camp in the rainforests fl amboyant Toad of Toad 7.30 Coronation the-scenes look at automatic teller card conducts the Vienna cheerleading squad. Buckinghamshire build debauchery, I’m afraid. I’ve fi nally shed Street (S) (AD) After Branagh’s fi rst world switch. Philharmonic in the 7.30 Will & Grace (S) where things haven’t of Borneo for a nightly Hall, b) its loving, lingering complaining of a pain war-set movie version 7.30 The Real Hustle traditional annual Jack regrets asking gone according to my fi nal inhibition doing this episode: conservation bee that’s a bit shots of honking geese and in her shoulder, Violet of Mozart’s opera. (R) (S) concert from Vienna. Will to help draft his plan. I get my kit off completely at the end like the duller bits of Planet fl apping twigs serve as a The Great Escape, BBC2 collapses. graduation speech. and walk off naked into the sea. It was Earth only slightly longer. paean to The Great British 8.0 EastEnders (S) 8.0 Top Wild Dives 8.0 Airline (R) 8.0 The Secret Life Of 8.0 World’s Strongest 8.0 Men In Black 8.0 America’s Next 8.0 The Best And actually very liberating. I can quite un- Among the nature-related Countryside in All Its Glory (AD) The residents of With Tanya Streeter (S) Corrie’s Nikki Brian (S) The Pythons Man (S) The beefcake (Barry Sonnenfeld, Top Model The Worst Places To derstand what these naturists get into. revelations tugged from and c) it’s got Mark Gatiss Albert Square say their (S) The world Sanderson fl ies to Paris refl ect on Life of Brian competitors head for 1997) Brash but wannabes learn about Live In The UK: goodbyes to Pauline. champion freediver on a charity mission. in a documentary that China, where they face likeable sci-fi comedy diffi cult interviews, 2006 (R) (S) Phil the sodden undergrowth is in it, with a moustache, as 8.30 EastEnders on what it’s like to 8.30 Coronation also considers whether such unlikely events as starring Will Smith and and travel to Thailand. Spencer and Sofi e Will you miss Joanna? the boggling fact that when Rat. Frankly, the only thing Revealed: Goodbye swim in the ocean with Street (S) (AD) Violet the fi lm could even the giant log lift, lorry Tommy Lee Jones as Allsopp list Britain’s I’m just Mrs Nice But Dull in real life, gibbons sing they sound that could make it better is if Pauline (S) (AD) whales, dolphins and is taken to hospital. be made in today’s pull and fridge carry. the mismatched duo most desirable and so playing a self-obsessed, drinking, exactly like the intro to money and Chewits started Wendy Richard looks sharks. political climate. Continues tomorrow. tasked with protecting undesirable areas. smoking nympho is a good antidote. I back on Walford life. the Earth. Hawkwind’s 1972 space-rock pouring out of the screen have to get my excitement somewhere. anthem, Silver Machine. during the “Toad crashes his 9.0 EastEnders (S) 9.0 The Four Feathers 9.0 Dead Clever (S) A 9.0 Life Of Brian 9.0 Most Shocking 9.30 Torchwood (S) 9.0 Arena: The 9.0 CSI: Crime Scene 9.0 The 30 Greatest “If you’re serious about car on the lawn again” bit. (AD) Kevin’s not happy (Shekhar Kapur, 2002) woman takes revenge (Terry Jones, 1979) Celebrity Moments (AD) Cracking double Archers (S) More than Investigation Part Political Comedies Was the atmosphere on set at Green at the arrival of an (S) Premiere. Good- against her husband (S) “He’s not the 2006 (S) Countdown bill to fi nish off season half a century after its one of two. When a (R) A countdown of seeing gibbons, this is the unexpected guest. looking version of when she learns of his Messiah, he’s a of the things celebs one. Jack and Toshiko fi rst episode, why is shootout leaves four parliament’s favourite Wing as zany as the show? only place to be,” confi des The Secret Life 9.30 The Vicar Of AEW Mason’s novel aff air with her own very naughty boy.” have done to ensure get stranded in 1941. Radio 4’s soap still so dead, Grissom tries to TV comedy shows. It was just this anarchic place. There the narrator — a life-long Dibley (S) (AD) The of honour lost and sister. Dark comedy Brilliantly irreverent we don’t ignore them. Owen has a plan to get popular? Arena goes discover what really Contributors include are some very witty people who do of Brian last-ever episode of regained. Starring Wes with Suranne Jones comedy starring the Featuring the likes them back, but is it a behind the scenes happened. Iain Duncan Smith and fan, although he, like many, the sitcom. Dawn Bentley, Heath Ledger and Helen Baxendale. late, great Graham of Paris Hilton, Eddie huge mistake? as the show reaches George Galloway. outrageous things, like walking down never really forgave them 8pm, Channel 4 French stars. and Kate Hudson. Chapman. Murphy and Madonna. episode 15,000. the corridor with the bottom cut out of for fi ring Lemmy in 1975. Excellent documentary on their scrubs, as Julian Rhind-Tutt, who 10.30 BBC News And 10.45 What The 10.0 Cold Comfort 10.0 CSI: Crime the thunderous religious Weather (S) Pythons Did Next (S) Farm (John Scene Investigation plays Mac, was wont to do. The Wind in the ballyhoo that continues to 10.45 Match Of The Encompassing Fawlty Schlesinger, 1995) Part two of two. Was enshroud Monty Python’s Day (S) Highlights Towers, The Rutles, (S) Fine adaptation Offi cer Bell shot by one You’re still well known for The Brittas Willows from the New Year’s Brazil and Ripping of Stella Gibbons’ of his fellow offi cers? Life of Brian. “These Day Premiership Yarns, a documentary comic novel. With Empire, even though it ended in 1997. 6.20pm, BBC1 people are operating at a fi xtures, including examining the solo Kate Beckinsale, Ian Yes, someone sidled up to me just New Year’s Day heralds the very low level of mental Newcastle United v careers of the Python McKellen and Joanna yesterday and said, “I hope you don’t arrival of many things — a health,” says a narked John Manchester United. team. Kenneth Branagh Films The Magic Flute, Five Lumley. mind me saying . . . ” You can usually vague and patently futile Cleese of the comedy’s 11.05 Still Game (S) 11.0 ITV News And 11.50 A Private 11.05 EastEnders (R) 11.40 Viking Fire 11.0 CSI: Crime 11.10 Curb Your tell whether they are going to be a sense of purposefulness, vociferous denigrators. Trapped in a lift at Weather (S) Function (Malcolm (S) (AD) The residents (S) Documentary Scene Investigation Enthusiasm (R) Green Wing person or a Brittas Empire hangovers the size Watching interminable Hogmanay, Jack and 11.15 The South Bank Mowbray, 1985) (S) of Albert Square say following islanders as (S) An explosion in the Larry’s the victim of person, but I got it wrong with him — Victor get nostalgic. Show (S) Damien Hirst Witty, Alan Bennett- their goodbyes to they prepare for the lab hinders the team blackmail. of Dorset, the fi nal, footage of said haters 11.35 The tells Melvyn Bragg scripted tale of a Pauline. Up Helly-Aa Shetland as they investigate a 11.50 UK Music Hall he was a Brittas Empire person. People blessed Caramel Keg — a sort of Stars On 45 Armstrongs’ about his art collection porker, social climbing fi re festival. school campus killing. Of Fame 2006 With still love it and are very loyal to it. — but few things megamix of rampant Christmas Party (R) and his stately pile, and rationing. Starring James Brown, Brian Toddington Manor. Michael Palin. Wilson and Bon Jovi. are as welcome idiocy, including a What television are you loyal to? as BBC1’s annual bald man shouting 12.05 Bronco Billy (Clint 12.35 The Falcon In 12.15 The Mint 4.25 Dial 1.35 Green Wing (R) (S) 12.05 Prison Break (R) (S) 12.05 Two Pints Of Lager 12.30 The Cinema Show 12.0 Most Haunted Unseen I really enjoyed The Amazing Mrs Eastwood, 1980) (S) Warm Hollywood (Gordon A Mum (R) (S) (SL) 5.0 2.40 Best Of The Worst (R) Michael’s visitor brings And A Packet Of Crisps (R) (R) (S) How Hogmanay has (AD) 1.0 Will & Grace (S) teatime family at Michael Palin comedy about a wild west Douglas, 1944) (S) The ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV (S) 3.05 World Cup Skiing an important piece of the (S) (AD) 12.35 Two Pints been celebrated on TV down 1.30 Will & Grace (S) 2.0 Pritchard because it completely shook drama, in which and a bit where show. Director Eastwood Falcon’s LA holiday is Morning News (S) 5.05 Men In White (R) (S) escape plan. 1.05 The Great Of Lager And A Packet Of the years. 1.20 Arena: The The Strip (S) 2.55 Father up your ideas about politics; it totally also stars. 2.0 BBC News 24: interrupted by murder. By- Big Quiz 5.35 Wildlife SOS Crisps (R) (S) (AD) 1.05 Archers (R) (S) 2.20 New Dowling Mysteries 3.45 Wild unthreatening Mary Whitehouse BBC News 2.30 The Record the-numbers whodunit. (R) (S) Torchwood (R) (S) (AD) 2.40 Year’s Day Concert 2007 Card 4.40 According To Jim grabbed me. Also The Mitchell and 3.0 BBC News (S) 3.30 World Torchwood Declassifi ed (S) (R) (S) (S) 5.05 According To Jim household names starts singing Business Report (S) 4.0 BBC (AD) 3.0 Two Pints Of Lager (S) 5.30 Home Shopping Webb Look. I love their quiet, left-fi eld wear period costumes outside a church News (S) 4.30 Hardtalk And A Packet Of Crisps (R) humour. I’d stay in to watch them. (S) 5.0 The World Today (S) (AD) 3.30 Two Pints Of while overacting in — it’s diffi cult to (S) 5.30 World Business Lager And A Packet Of Crisps Report (S) (R) (S) (AD) Interview by Elisabeth Mahoney. Green Wing some unspoilt The Secret Life of Brian, Channel 4 argue. Special, Channel 4, Thursday, 10pm.

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Quick crossword no 11,435 Countdown no 47

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Letters game Numbers game Make the longest word you can from the nine letters shown. Make the larger number 8 You may use each letter only once. Target: 9 by combining the smaller numbers using 9 addition, subtraction, H R S I U C N E C multiplication and 10 division. There may be multiple solutions. 11 12 4 7 8 13 14 Conundrum Solve the nine-letter anagram. Answers tomorrow; for Friday’s, see right. 8 50 75 15 16 17 C A R Y O N D E S 18 19 20

21

969 altruism 8; (9 + 4 + 1) x (50 – 3) = 658, + 3 = 661; PRACTISED dualism 7, ultraism, Atriums,

22 45 23 Kakuro no 334 24 Rating: easy Fill in the grid so that 4 12 21 16 30 Across 12 Network (4) each run of squares adds 14 3 23 up to the total in the 1 Tag vote (anag) — dance Strong wind (4) box above or to the left. (7) 15 West Indian island (6) 11 16 8 Use only numbers 1-9, 8 Polish dance (7) 16 (American) hospital 11 29 and never use a number doctor (6) more than once per run 9 Dance, maybe military 6 (3-4) 17 He seeks for a heart in Oz (a number may reoccur (3,3) 8 14 7 in the same row, in a 10 Type of tooth (7) separate run). 11 Little (5) 19 Exhausted (5) 10 13 Not battery farmed (4-5) 20 Trace of colour (5) 6 3 10 For a kakuro table and 15 Balding (4,2,3) tutorial, go to puzzler. Want more? Access over 4,000 archive puzzles 29 4 co.uk/guardian. 18 Distress — surprise (5) at guardian.co.uk/crossword. Stuck? Then call our solutions line on 09068 11 8 21 Rich, sweet little cake 338 248. Calls cost 60p per minute at all times. Buy the Guardian (4,3) Service supplied by ATS. 9 34 Kakuro book for 22 To buy the new book of Quick Crosswords, £5.99 inc p&p. Worcestershire town with vol. 4, for £6.99 incl. p&p, call 0870 836 0749 23 7 hills (7) Call 0870 836 0749 24 11 or go to 23 Big ape (7) Solution No 11,434 18 10 guardianbooks.co.uk 24 (American) item of BOS SANOVA G E clothing (7) B U O A BRAN 7 11 25 CORMOR ANT E U 10 15 9 Solution to no 333 Down EPMIBEAM OAPAUSENE 9 1 Entrances (for Bill?) (5) BEFAL L HANGAR 6 11 12 2 Stringed instrument (5) JOO RAA 3 Style of play in which ERRAND S L I GHT 4 16 defenders also attack (5,8) CEKITTYEE 10 29 4 Supreme sovereignty (6) TEST P A VTT I A SPOTL I GHT 5 European country (5,8) 7 17 6 Place of incarceration (6) VE I L E U E O E D C RO S SWOR D 7 Author of “Peter Pan” (6) call 0870 836 0875 or go to guardian.co.uk/bookshop call 0870 836 0875 or go To buy Doonesbury Redux for £11.99 with free UK £11.99 p&p, buy Doonesburyfor with free Redux To Doonesbury Garry Trudeau

24 The Guardian 01.01.07