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N Ea Rly 100% D O Lp H in -S a Fe ! t-subversive election issue! Spring 2007 GliOBAL WARMING § CRISIS SOLVED! Iraq and Dal com pletely i Now with 70% Fewer Penises South Dakota... The new Texas? PLEASE YOUR M AN! Fair and Balanced cultural ignorance! Nearly 100% Dolphin-Safe! PAID ADVERTISEMENT Why should we take the bread out of the mouths of our own children ond give it to strangers?" - John Adams H Border Guards Without Borders (BGWB) is an independent organizatic ^ committed to denying asylum to those affected by war, poverty, disease, ar natural and man-made disasters in over 70 countries. check us out online at www.borderguardswithoutborders.org or myspace.com/bgswithoutbs Plague-ml t. A widespread affliction or calamity, especially one seen as divine retribution. 2. A sudden destructive influx or injurious outbreak 3. A cause sit annoyance: a nuisance 4. A highly infectious, usually fatal. s*pi slcmic disease; a pestilence. 5. Us. 6, A meeting of The American Electoral College 7. The things that you put in your anus 8. Things you take out of vour anus and then put in your mouth. 9. Rape humor and specifically anal rape humor It). Ethnic jokes that college kids tell because they live shel­ tered lives and don't know shit. II. The Mind of Mencia 12. Hurt Feelings 13. The Pursuit of Happyness 14. lire reason Alex Ryhin doesn't get free W ants y o u r vote in 2008. srala from Pita Mcrcato. 15. The fresh CW. 16. The hilarious differences between men and women. 17. Cheddar cheese of the New York persuasion This publication is published by NYU students and NYU is not 18. Dandling modifiers. responsible for its contents. Table of Contents Your Spring 2007 Staff Border Guards Without Borders 2 Executive Editors Lost due to clerical error 3 The Not-Dead President Benjamin Harrison Things that, at one time, damn well 4 And a cast of thousands felt like being said Putting the “Vice;' ip Vice President Decision 2008 Political Forum 6 Chuck Schaeffer Opinion 8 Baby orangutans will never be safe President Harrison for President 10 Chief Financial Officer Alex Rubin Economy-Class Cars 11 Hates himself for being so self-loathing Nancy Drew 12 Secretary of the Secretariat The Funny Thing About That... 12 Jillian Avery Hat not funny, damnit Historic Roads of NYU 13 Classical Composers Starting Five 14 Editorial Staff New Sexual Positions 15 Djy is ion Adrn i n i strator Asshole Sketch Tragedy... get it? 16 Ryan Grim Linnea Goderstad Short Story Endings 16 Administers division This is not a joke Lots 0 ’ Comics 17 What Not to Wear 22 Managing Editor Editing Manager Dave Dubuc Josh Nealon TV Networks I Would Sleep With 24 Or, as we like to call him, Edits, manages, can hit Video Games That Make You Racist 25 Double D the three Vice Pres. Schaeffer for Vice Pres. 26 Political tirade 27 All of the W ork. N one of the Credit Memorandum 28 Bill Best Nick Karasimas Physically Impossible, You Say? 29 Mickey Bloom Darren Levy Post-Graduation Statistics 30 Seth Fiegerman John Lichman List-type lists, in list form 32 Crissy Gardner James Nix Jascha Hoffman John Pels Conspiracies in Popular Media 34 Catalina lannone Dave Snyder Boy, what a bunch of idiots 35 Ben Joseph Dieneke Van Der Zalm Join The Plague\ 36 Special Thanks to: Atlum Until (the wind beneath out wings); Hob Butler: Audrey Uiulrrmnid: Niuu i ( boh . SAM The Plague ©2007 Volume XXIX Issue 2 & ASSHM Jesus' Hen Joseph, Jesse Meyer son, Pond Mrtims: Pmtlmlr S/ungo: UUs The Plague Sinter: Vera Srhatmtm; John tSavamc: Mike Purer: Hemet Moskimitt. n.m Memuo: You' Km Affleck: Colors: Cot Thief Jesus: Hill O'Reilly: Christina Kodejeld: (uni riled SHI 60 Washington Square South. Box 152 [THIS SPACE Television Shows. Churl, for not putting his/Hum hark on: Afrpuhxtan Coalmining Industry New York, New York 10012 Various and Sundry Rup Artists: Fucking shit up. m. freedom timer: Coke Onogle; All rights reserved. UNINTENTIONALLY Hirkr: Pushing Rhymes Uke Wrights: Our mammies anddiniilirs Our ever nun-inn bowels VISIT OUR WEBSITE: LEFT BLANK) wwH jJmfachmim j out http://www.nyu.edu/clubs/plague nM'Wdkmtiowhmethert jom OR E-MAIL VS: [email protected] wnwjukatkitisfrnm Kwvwjhwfctmracitrxim henjmeph hiulciumu u rt om »w .cracked U'ltm OM Printing: 2I21J4-I3KH THINGS W E DAM N W ELL FEEL LIK E SAYING Arm that this issue is out, BENJAMIN HARRISON has completed his tenure as President of The Plague. He would like to thank Ood, who was with him every step of the way, or at least that's what the LSD convinced him was happening. In reality, he was deifying the free pizza that is available at every meeting of The Plague. Incidentally, when Benjamin realizes his BFA in Film isn’t worth shit in the job market next year, lie’ll be returning to the Plague offices every Monday to eat a free slice o f God. I he other day in my neighborhood the police intervened nitely won’t come true, but back then it might have. In some when a white skinned bicyclist pounded on the hood of an SUV ways it was a better time. Sonic the Hedgehog was surprising- driven by a black-skinned motorist after she nearly hit him ly speedy compared to Super Mario. Boris Yeltsin was drunker when he was crossing an intersection against the light. After and less threatening than Mikhail Gorbachev. The Vice talking the woman out of President was more of the her maniacal fury and send­ comic relief to the ing her on her way, the President’s straight-man white-skinned police offi­ than the other way around. cers told the cyclist to And that cop, who made watch himself in the future. the earth-shattering obser­ They went to get back in vation about how un-1991 their car when a black- things are these days, would skinned onlooker shouted, have been in his late teens "This is some bullshit! If or early twenties, and not that was me I'd be in lock­ bald yet. Maybe he was up!" One of the cops turned even a little bit of a juvenile around and shouted back, delinquent, but thinking "Don’t even start with that about getting on the straight shit. It ain’t 1991 any­ and narrow, doing a couple more!” years at community college. He had a point. It isn’t He may have even seen the 1991 anymore. I stopped in Rodney King tape on a tele­ my tracks. Or, rather, I vision in the window of an would have if I hadn’t electronics store and cursed already done so to watch the inequalities and injus­ the scene unfold with all the tices that the police repre­ other gawkers. That’s one sented at that time, and thing we sure didn’t have in Ben jamin Harrison was best friends with 2-Pae before Mr. Shakur was vowed to do everything in ’91. Gawkers. It was like gunned down. Then he was friends with Notorious B.I.G. Then he was friends his power to diffuse the tra­ the dark ages but with more with Jam Master Jay. Benjamin doesn ’t have friends anymore. ditional tension between the A cardboardA box is a poor man's whole fucking house. Herbert next to our Walker. More Quayle and Less Dick, more police and African-Americans, or negroes as he would have C linton with penis and less Clinton with vagina. In short, a referred to them at the time. He would have shed a tear and then bygone era. gotten on his horse and rode off into the sunset. Back in those days, you could be walking down the street as Flash forward sixteen years and he finds himself at the cor­ w hite as a sheet of paper, but if you accidentally walked into a ner of E. 3rd Street and Avenue A, trying to resolve a conflict shadow the cops might mistake you for not-white and they between a reckless bicyclist and a belligerent motorist. He would beat you up and plant drugs and a gun on you. And then might recall that vow that he made all those years ago when he you'd he like, "Hey my father is a sergeant in the twelfth was naught but an idealistic youth who couldn't have possibly precinct! And they'd be like, "We kicked their fuckin’ ass in foreseen things like the Internet or genocide in Darfur or 30 softball! And then you’d realize that you'd wandered into the Rock. He might be in-between saying "Ma’am.” and, “Try to eighth precinct totally by accident. Duhh! calm down, ma’am,” when he realizes that the simple fact that When you gathered yourself together and got yourself to a he hasn't yet maced the woman in response to the threatening hospital to have your wounds treated and you'd ask the doctor color of her skin represents an astonishing leap of progress, and il he could prescribe you some Viagra while he was putting that he has been, in some small way, a part of that progress. sutures in your cheek he'd give you this really strange look He must have been welling with pride when he reminded because Viagra wasn’t even a twinkle in Pfizer’s eye yet. And that ne... African-American youth that this was no longer 1991. you would come to the horrifying realization that you wouldn’t And the youth would have been as impacted as 1 was by this be able to get a chemically-induced erection for a few more simple statement of fact, and turned off the 2Pacalypse tape he years.
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