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H Border Guards Without Borders (BGWB) is an independent organizatic ^ committed to denying asylum to those affected by war, poverty, disease, ar natural and man-made disasters in over 70 countries. check us out online at www.borderguardswithoutborders.org or myspace.com/bgswithoutbs Plague-ml t. A widespread affliction or calamity, especially one seen as divine retribution. 2. A sudden destructive influx or injurious outbreak 3. A cause sit annoyance: a nuisance 4. A highly infectious, usually fatal. s*pi slcmic disease; a pestilence. 5. Us. 6, A meeting of The American Electoral College 7. The things that you put in your anus 8. Things you take out of vour anus and then put in your mouth. 9. Rape humor and specifically anal rape humor It). Ethnic jokes that college kids tell because they live shel­ tered lives and don't know shit. II. The Mind of Mencia 12. Hurt Feelings 13. The Pursuit of Happyness 14. lire reason Alex Ryhin doesn't get free W ants y o u r vote in 2008. srala from Pita Mcrcato. 15. The fresh CW. 16. The hilarious differences between men and women. 17. Cheddar cheese of the New York persuasion This publication is published by NYU students and NYU is not 18. Dandling modifiers. responsible for its contents. Table of Contents Your Spring 2007 Staff Border Guards Without Borders 2 Executive Editors Lost due to clerical error 3 The Not-Dead President Benjamin Harrison Things that, at one time, damn well 4 And a cast of thousands felt like being said Putting the “Vice;' ip Vice President Decision 2008 Political Forum 6 Chuck Schaeffer Opinion 8 Baby orangutans will never be safe President Harrison for President 10 Chief Financial Officer Alex Rubin Economy-Class Cars 11 Hates himself for being so self-loathing Nancy Drew 12 Secretary of the Secretariat The Funny Thing About That... 12 Jillian Avery Hat not funny, damnit Historic Roads of NYU 13 Classical Composers Starting Five 14 Editorial Staff New Sexual Positions 15 Djy is ion Adrn i n i strator Asshole Sketch Tragedy... get it? 16 Ryan Grim Linnea Goderstad Short Story Endings 16 Administers division This is not a joke Lots 0 ’ Comics 17 What Not to Wear 22 Managing Editor Editing Manager Dave Dubuc Josh Nealon TV Networks I Would Sleep With 24 Or, as we like to call him, Edits, manages, can hit Video Games That Make You Racist 25 Double D the three Vice Pres. Schaeffer for Vice Pres. 26 Political tirade 27 All of the W ork. N one of the Credit Memorandum 28

Bill Best Nick Karasimas Physically Impossible, You Say? 29 Mickey Bloom Darren Levy Post-Graduation Statistics 30 Seth Fiegerman John Lichman List-type lists, in list form 32 Crissy Gardner James Nix Jascha Hoffman John Pels Conspiracies in Popular Media 34 Catalina lannone Dave Snyder Boy, what a bunch of idiots 35 Ben Joseph Dieneke Van Der Zalm Join The Plague\ 36

Special Thanks to: Atlum Until (the wind beneath out wings); Hob Butler: Audrey Uiulrrmnid: Niuu i ( boh . SAM The Plague ©2007 Volume XXIX Issue 2 & ASSHM Jesus' Hen Joseph, Jesse Meyer son, Pond Mrtims: Pmtlmlr S/ungo: UUs The Plague Sinter: Vera Srhatmtm; John tSavamc: Mike Purer: Hemet Moskimitt. n.m Memuo: You' Km Affleck: Colors: Cot Thief Jesus: Hill O'Reilly: Christina Kodejeld: (uni riled SHI 60 Washington Square South. Box 152 [THIS SPACE Television Shows. Churl, for not putting his/Hum hark on: Afrpuhxtan Coalmining Industry New York, New York 10012 Various and Sundry Rup Artists: Fucking shit up. m. freedom timer: Coke Onogle; All rights reserved. UNINTENTIONALLY Hirkr: Pushing Rhymes Uke Wrights: Our mammies anddiniilirs Our ever nun-inn bowels VISIT OUR WEBSITE: LEFT BLANK) wwH jJmfachmim j out http://www.nyu.edu/clubs/plague nM'Wdkmtiowhmethert jom OR E-MAIL VS: [email protected] wnwjukatkitisfrnm Kwvwjhwfctmracitrxim henjmeph hiulciumu u rt om »w .cracked U'ltm OM Printing: 2I21J4-I3KH A cardboard box is a poor man's whole fucking house. and you might even get your wish. These days your wish defi- wish your days These wish. your get even might you and the news and wish our stupid war with Iraq would just be over, over, be just would Iraq with war stupid our wish and news the years. you would come to the horrifying realization that you wouldn’t wouldn’t you that realization horrifying the to come would you e be o e a hmclyidcd rcin o a e more few a for erection chemically-induced a get to able be because Viagra wasn’t even a twinkle in Pfizer’s eye yet. And yet. eye Pfizer’s in twinkle a even wasn’t Viagra because Duhh! accident. by totally precinct eighth uue i yu cek ed ie o ti ral srne look strange really this you give he'd cheek your in sutures il he could prescribe you some Viagra while he was putting putting was he while Viagra some you prescribe could hedoctor the askil you'd and treated wounds your have to hospital softball! And then you’d realize that you'd wandered into the into wandered you'd that twelfth in realize the ass you’d fuckin’ then And in their kicked "We sergeant like, softball! be a is they'd And father my precinct! "Hey like, he you'd would beat you up and plant drugs and a gun on you. And then And you. on gun a and drugs plant and up you beat would hdw h cp mgt itk yu o ntwie n they and not-white for you mistake might cops the shadow a into walked accidentally you if but paper, of wsheet a as hite a short, In vagina. with era. bygone Clinton less and penis with C linton h akae u ih more with but ages dark the one That’s gawkers. other Herbert next to our Walker. More Quayle and Less Dick, more Dick, Less and Quayle More Walker. our to next Herbert thing we sure didn’t have in have didn’t sure we thing the allwith unfold scene the 9. akr. t a like was It Gawkers. ’91. watch to so done already would have if I hadn’t hadn’t I if have would y rcs O, ahr I rather, Or, tracks. my ht I ant 91 any­ 1991 more!” ain’t It shit. that with start even back, "Don’t shouted and around ht a m Id e n lock­ in be I'd If me was that bullshit! some is "This up!" One of the cops turned turned thecops of One up!" black- shouted, a onlooker skinned when car in back their get to went They es od h ccit to cyclist the told cers 91 nmr. sopd in stopped I 1991 anymore. watch himself in the future. future. thein himself watch deifying the free pizza that is available at every meeting of meeting every at available is that pizza the free deifying worth shit in the job market next year, lie’ll be returning to returning be lie’ll year, next market the injob shit worth ht-kne plc offi­ the way, police her white-skinned on her ing send­ and of fury maniacal her out woman the him hit talking nearly she after motorist black-skinned a by driven Ood, who was with him every step of the way, or at least that's what the LSD convinced him was happening. In reality, he was he reality, In happening. was him convinced LSD the what that's least at or way, the of step every him with was who Ood, Arm hn e a cosn a itreto aant h lgt After light. the against intersection an crossing was he when when a white skinned bicyclist pounded on the hood of an SUV ways it was a better time. Sonic the Hedgehog was surprising- was Hedgehog the Sonic time. better a was it ways SUV an of hood the on pounded bicyclist skinned white awhen G N I Y A S E K I L L E E F L L E W N M A D E W S G N I H T Back in those days when you got home you would turn on turn would you home got you when days those in Back When you gathered yourself together and got yourself to a to yourself got and together yourself gathered you When Back in those days, you could be walking down the street as street the down walking be could you days, in Backthose e a a on. t isn’t It point. a had He e te dy n y egbrod h plc itree ntl wnt oe re bt ak hn t ih hv. n some In have. might it then back but true, come won’t nitely intervened police the neighborhood my in day other Ihe that this issue is out, BENJAMIN HARRISON has completed his tenure as President of President as tenure his completed has HARRISON BENJAMIN out, is issue this that gunned down.Then hewas withfriends Notorious B.I.G. Then hewas friends Ben jamin jamin withJam Master Jay.Benjamin doesn ’thave friends anymore. Harrisonwas best withfriends 2-Pae before Mr. Shakur was The Plague. Plague. The the Plague Plague the fountain and smiled to himself before strolling off into a brave a into off strolling before himself to smiled and fountain new tomorrow. new water integrated anuse to park theto up walked and iPod his on had been playing on his Walkman, and swapped it for a TI track for a itTI swapped and Walkman, his on playing he been had tape 2Pacalypse the off turned and fact, of statement simple 1991. longer no was this that youth African-American ne... that color of her skin represents an astonishing leap of progress, and progress, of leap astonishing an represents skin her of color n te ot wud ae en s matd s ws y this by 1 was as impacted as been have would youth the And that he has been, in some small way, a part of that progress. that of part a way, small some in been, has he that that fact simple the that realizes he when ma’am,” down, calm he hasn't yet maced the woman in response to the threatening threatening the to response in woman the maced yet hasn't he foreseen things like the Internet or genocide in Darfur or or Darfur in genocide or Internet the like things foreseen Rock. was naught but an idealistic youth who couldn't have possibly possibly have couldn't who youth He idealistic an but motorist. naught was belligerent a and bicyclist reckless a conflict a resolve between to trying A, Avenue and Street 3rd E. of ner gotten on his horse and rode off into the sunset. the into off rode and horse his on gotten ih ealta o hth aealtoeyasaowe he when ago years those all made he that vow that recall might referred to them at the time. He would have shed a tear and then and atear shed have would He time. the at them to referred oie n ArcnAeias o ngos s e ol have would he as negroes or African-Americans, and police n ls traeig hn ihi Grahv Te Vice The Gorbachev. Mikhail than threatening less and ly speedy compared to Super Mario. Boris Yeltsin was drunker drunker was YeltsinBoris Mario. Super to compared speedy ly He must have been welling with pride when he reminded reminded he when pride with welling been have must He Flash forward sixteen years and he finds himself at the cor­ the at himself finds he and years sixteen forward Flash e ih b i-ewe syn "aa. ad “r to “Try and, "Ma’am.” saying in-between be might He offices every Monday to eat a free slice o f f God. o slice a eat free to Monday every offices Incidentally, when Benjamin realizes his BFA in Film isn’t BFAFilm in his realizes Benjamin when Incidentally, Te Plague. The

ditional tension between the between tension ditional his power to diffuse the tra­ the diffuse to power his in and everything do time, to vowed that at sented repre­ police the that tices cursed and store electronics h ieulte ad injus­ and inequalities the vision in the window of an of window the in vision Rodney King tape on a tele­ a on tape King Rodney the seen even have may He college. at community years couple a doing narrow, and delinquent, but thinking thinking straight the on getting about but delinquent, a of bitjuvenile little a even ad e. ab h was he Maybe yet. not bald and twenties, early or ae en n i lt teens late his in been have would days, these are things un-1991 how about vation comic relief to the the to relief comic h erhsatrn obser­ earth-shattering the than the other way around. way other the than President’s straight-man straight-man President’s rsdn ws oe f the of more was President And that cop, who made made who cop, that And He would like to thank to like would He 30

T H I N G S W E DAMN W ELL FEEL LIK E SAYING

Like most people from New Jersey. CHUCK SCHAEFFER has spent most of liis life wishing he were someone else. His primary alter ego-nam ed Man M an-is a superhero with all the powers of a regular man. Chuck assumes this false identity whenever he sees someone in peril or a TA is ‘bout to be bustin his balls. <4 second strike against Chuck is that he's in Steinhardt, which is just fucking messed up. Fortunately, he’s graduating soon, at which point he’ll continue going to NYU. Albeit in a graduate student- capacity. His ruse of being a complete moron is cracking.

If there’s one thing I've learned about writing for The Plague Art and the crying of seven girls and one tour guide from Saint for three years it’s that no one reads this part. 1 mean, okay, Mary s Girls School of Staten Island. But 1 digress, for even some of my friends and relatives may be though I did not have an infestation in reading this but only because they have my genitals, when visiting an RA friend nothing better to do in the crapper. In fact at Lafayette, 1 encountered the disturbing I’m betting most avid Plague readers find N Y U C a r d truth behind bed bugs and groins. themselves squeezing out a good old One of her residents came to her, Cleveland steamer before they even con­ dropped trou, and revealed a colony of sider reading this fine college publica­ bed bugs within her vagina. Upon closer tion. The good news is that these pages inspection, she found that these bugs had are made with non-toxic ink and you can formed a primitive sort of civilization go right on ahead wipe at your digression. with its own written law and system of The bad news is that I still have a few pubic hair-based deities. A few minutes hundred words to fill in this section later they were onto monotheism, as their Ferrari. man's poor a is Corolla A Toyota according to my contractual obligations bed bug Jesus was crucified on top of this as Plague vice president. poor girls engorged clit. In only a matter Now if I’ve learned two things about of days, this bed bug Fertile Crescent had writing for The Plague it’s that people are become a thriving metropolis, with high­ illiterate past two sentences and that peo­ ways and monorails, running throughout ple enjoy topical humor. My topical the city known only as Slutty Girl Chach humor deals with two things: genitals and Alpha. Within a week, this bed bug civi­ bed bugs. Neither of these are foreign to S c h a e f f e r lization gained light travel and cold most NYU students by their second year fusion, ushering in a renaissance of in housing. It’s no mystery, that most Charles B cross-crotch travel and trade. By the end NYU dorms are infested with a surplus of of the month, there were primitive genitalia and bed bugs—the latter of Student colonies scattered throughout the geni which has no known method of eradica­ tals of the entire fraternity floors of tion. Now, the genitals can be handled: Lafayette. people have hands, and toys, and when in Hey kids! Kip out this page and cut out the pic­ ture. Color in the NYU identification card and try What's the point of all this? Bed bugs need of that extra push, we have plenty to get into university buildings. If it works, way to are fucking resourceful and if you’re not of fine upstanding date-rapists ready and go! If it doesn't. I smell smash-hit WSN editorial! careful they'll create massive civiliza­ able to do their civic duties. The problem tions in your junk. They have the tech­ occurs when our young, naive genitals nology people, and though they may embrace in a forbidden tango with these only have a few crotches now, it's only a most dreaded of bedded bugs. matter of time and fucking, until a bed For a whole week I thought I had bed invasion force knocks down your bugs up in my junk. It was only after a knickers. Do you want to wake up with week of intensive screeners with count­ bed bug Martin Luther nailing a 95 less doctors, nurses, interns, and one jan­ thesis to your scrotum? Or a bed bug itor who unfortunately found himself in Hitler mowing down your labial highway the wrong place to be wearing a white in a bed bug blitzkrieg aimed at your coat, that I found out that the swelling and sweet Polish ovaries? Well I don’t. And redness was run of the mill eczema and Utday we must fight, not only for the not armies of bed bugs. However, though future of human civilization, but also for I was cleared of bed bugginess, the lin­ the future of our junk. So if you know gering trauma led to an incessant need for with bed bugs and an active me to show my junk to professional­ crotch, grab a knife, rusted spoon, or looking people throughout the metropol­ Chuck is running a baby orangutan smuggling what have you. and do the right thing. itan area, leading to my eventual expul­ ring. If you want one he’s onfacebook. His rates sion from the Metropolitan Museum of are surprisingly reasonable.

5 6 Quizno’s is a poor man's restroom these three hundred odd pounds of mus- of pounds odd hundred three these underneath but much, like look not may e ih: rsdn-lc Sen Now Stein. President-elect right: me I'm running for President. Yep, you heard Yep, you President. for running I'm ArnoldStein A Message A from ague's e u g la P e h T Dark-HorseCandidate, h nm' Sen Anl Sen And Stein. Arnold Stein. name's The Favorite

1 ant huh o t u i ses simple seems it but it, of thought hasn't rm ad ntt pae Fr el this reals For peace. instate and and crime hunger all outlaw to be will duty of lime. 1 don't know why another President President another why know 1 lime. don't order second My booty.” that rub to my duty is “It retort: witty this in as “booty,” ble, preferably rhyming it with the word word the with it rhyming preferably possi­ ble, whenever “duty" word the use to toise. eagle an of spirit the lies hair and fat, cle, and the determination of a Galapagos tor­ Galapagos a of determination the and ainl euiy ihu riig the raising without security national the and benefits with job government a as like. will penis opportunity, my employment ainto great turn Maintaining testes. and pick up litter scattered about my penis penis my about scattered and litter groomed, up nicely pick it keep to it, staff state a of sort as public this to up it open park, so of course, I will need people to people need will I course, of so park, new jobs in the American economy. Iwill economy. the American in new jobs you. My penis has an extensive policy policy extensive an agenda. has penis My you. let me tell you what my penis can do for for do can penis my what you tell me let chances are it’s my gigantic dick hitting a hitting dick gigantic myit’s are chances key erroneously.y key ht o cn ofryu onr. Well, country. your but for you, do can for you what do can country your what penis often gets in my way when way my in gets often penis Let months. coming the in election eral write. If you see a typographical error, error, typographical a see you If write. o se m eomul ln ad thick and long enormously my see, You to. try least at or why, explain further me me for vote should you why is This cock. in the Democratic primaries and the gen­ the and primaries Democratic the in o,m is uya rsdn wl be will President as duty first my Now, My penis will create almost one million million one almost create will penis My on . end oc si t ak not ask to said once Kennedy F. John Moving on, my penis will enhance enhance will penis my on, Moving My fellow Americans, I have a huge huge a have I Americans, fellow My 1 try to try poignant words, “I make a mean mojito." mean a make “I words, poignant s h nx Peiet f h UA The USA. the America. of Steins of United President next the as arl, atclry n i ws and wise his in Colin particularly by Farrell, performance humanistic the ‘80s fine or suits linen pastel-colored the study and watch to duty everybody's enough to me. to enough ui, u is lw tr otege by outweighed tire flaws its but music, film Clinton... but she’s a giant bitch anyway. bitch giant a she’s but Clinton... the biggest penis of anybody running for for running anybody of penis biggest the nation. great this for do could penis rsdn i 2X8 sv mye Hillary maybe 2(X)8, save in President my things of list intended) (pun long the omy over to a more sustainable model. sustainable more a to over omy econ­ our switch to program Apollo year ten dong’s my pursue we while emissions on foreign oil and greatly reduce C02 C02 reduce greatly and oil foreign on credits!) I could reduce our dependence dependence our reduce could I credits!) turbated six times during a screening of of screening a during times six turbated Malcolm X. Malcolm mas­ once (I resource. clean renewable a is and burns semen milky creamy, cous, clean and affordable an as used be can lentv fe fr as M tik vis­ thick, My cars. for fuel alternative semen. Only my ejaculate is special, as it as special, is ejaculate my Only semen. to upper-atmosphere. to many kinds. Its range reaches up the mid- of the up reaches range planes Its kinds. many enemy as well as bombs, missiles and incoming away swatting of ble that my trememndous dong is fully capa­ fully is know dong trememndous to my that ought all You budget. defense Yes you do. Mr. Farrell. And 1 too, And will Farrell. Mr. do. Yes you aty a Peiet 1 ol mk it make would 1 President. as Lastly, In closing, let me say that that say me let In closing, These are only a few of the things on things the of few a only are These My dick, like most dicks, produces produces dicks, most like dick, My im Vice. Miami And that was just the opening opening the was just that And hr my o b any be not may There 1 clearly have clearly Political Foruin

My Virtuous Vagina by Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

I think that there’s one issue we can Katrina. I doubt if even one New Orleans Island Treasure Muppet agree on in this upcoming election, and resident could inhabit Obama’s sad that is that the last thing we need in 2008 excuse for a urethra. is another dick in the White House. In My cha-cha's perfect symmetry gives it fact, 1 strongly believe that you don’t the ability to see both sides of any issue. need a penis to be president of the United This doesn’t mean that it’s a flip-flopper States—my vagina can and will take like Kerry; it’s no pussy. Abortion is one whatever comes at it! Literally. 1 don’t issue it can’t quite choose sides on,

think the American people realize all the because my womb can’t help but be pro­ man’s poor a is things that having my vagina in office life, but my vagina is very much pro- could do for this country and the world. choice. It has, however, always been I’d like to take this time to present to you very, very open to free trade. the virtues of my vagina. But despite its soft-spoken and mild- There are a whole host of problems in mannered ways, my vagina isn’t only Pirates o f Caribbean. f the o Pirates this nation that my shapely coin-purse concerned with “girl problems” —it is in could solve. My monkey box's life-giv­ no way loose on issues like defense and ing torce is capable of producing much the Federal budget. In fact, a va-jay-jay more than just Chelsea. Just yesterday, with the dexterity and resilience mine my cooter charged six electric cars possesses would be more than able to turn overnight for over a day’s driving. And the Iraq war right around, it’s also tight that’s not all a bajingo as giving and well- enough to control spending, crack down groomed as mine can do—it could pro­ on crime, and finally capture Osama Bin vide low-income housing for families Laden. under the poverty line, and extra facilities All in all, my oval office is one that any to inner-city schools with over-crowded ex-president would love to get into, and classrooms. Its cavernous interior has you can’t argue with endorsements like already been put to work, sheltering near­ that. Even if Bill didn’t want it all the ly half of the displaced victims of time, believe me, America, you will.

A rnold Stein for president

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Eagles I’m going to enjoy taking your money. your taking enjoy to going I’m COLUMNIST Yanks John and if this shitty m ovie is is ovie m shitty this if and Do you want to bet on it? on bet to want you Do ht o’ o udrtn hr? s it Is here? understand you don’t What popotam us b alls, I w in. in. w I alls, b us popotam You heard me: Do you want to bet on bet to want you Do me: heard You You want to bet on it? on bet to You want od yu n ad f it if and in, w you good, o sil o’ are Ral? You Really? agree? don’t still You dow n for yo u : I will bet bet will I : u yo for n dow Sure, let’s see what else is on. Boring, Boring, on. is else what see let’s Sure, the on bucks twenty on: you’re Okay, igsig hip­ disgusting s k c u s you a sum of m oney, oney, m of sum a you e lt br k it ak re b e m let re, e H Ae o sros O cus 1 course Of serious? you Are ? The Plague The l? a e D welcomes letters welcomeseditor,tothe gift baskets, hate sexualfavors, and The Plague The “Has anyone ever noticed there is a ‘Quote of the of ‘Quote a is there noticed ever anyone “Has a’u ee” — here?” up Day’ UT O TE DAY THE OF QUOTE Happy rsre h rightreservesthe tomockyou behind your back.

tle this disagreement? Hmm... disagreement? this tle set­ we can how Well, me? believe don’t TV, and I’ve got a hunch on what the win­ the what on a hunch got I’veTV, and ig od s on t be: to going is word ning Happygilmoresucksballs. million? Four grand? Eighteen grand? y nevnin oorw Wy not? Why tomorrow. intervention my King you’re think Yeah,it.I Wuss. Bitch I said Pussy Coward bet? to want you Because the National Spelling Bee is on is Bee Spelling National the Because Oh? it. of end the be that’ll and coward does it? And why not? why And it? does You think I’m wrong? How much? Two much? How wrong? I’m think You much How say? you aYou’re coward, not a you’re admit Just attitude. non-betting n iutos ih o betv truth. objective no it? on Shake with situations on ad uk ta I a ttly ae bet a make totally can I that bucks sand thou­ a you bet I Bullshit. this? on wager right? that Is winner? the determining that you can’t make wagers based on sit­ on based wagers make can’t you that uations that have no objective way of of way objective no have that uations saying You’re opinion? an it’s if matter Deal? win. I balls, popotamus sucks ass. sucks vn h oeiain f o novelization the Even I think I may have an idea. an have may I think I e i wl b. e. t il O? You Oh? will. It Yes. be. will it Yes ht oorw N, e a’ have can’t we No, Tomorrow? What? Look, I’m getting pretty sick of your your of sick pretty getting I’m Look, Oh, so that doesn’t make sense either, sense make doesn’t that so Oh, uk ht o tik ecnt ae a make can’t we think You that. Fuck Opinion? What? So what? Why does it does Why what? So What? Opinion? Benjamin Harrison, delinquent Harrison, Benjamin Happy Gilmore Gilmore Happy

A hair-brained idea to save the world

C.K. Moore Mindy. Sensing a public relations disas­ toric and artistically irrelevant Greenwich GUEST COLUMNIST ter, NYU has quickly jumped to meet Village, while still retaining the school’s Due to NYU's violation of newly new environmental standards—sparing time-honored style of policy. While amended environmental laws, the school no expense, of course. watching students swarm in and out of is now being forced to replace their cur­ NYU’s proposal incorporates a $120 buildings between coffee breaks and cig­ rent power generator situated under million expenditure and a 15% raise in arette drags, I received Divine Gould Plaza with a new, cleaner version. tuition which will enable the school to Inspiration. Basically, the concept The university has been under extreme comfortably level a city block within a involves the use of a turbine in the form pressure from the E.P.A. and other timespan of two years instead of building of a revolving door powered by both blowhards ever since an E.P.A. report the new power plant in the location of the incoming and outgoing students. This announced that would-be Washington old. This course of action is not without door would be connected to a power gen­ Square News opinion writers have sur­ protest. Students Creating Radical erator which, in turn, produces a DC elec­ passed the legal emissions ratings for Change and Eating Radical Vegan Food trical current. You can imagine it as simi­ releasing hot air (among other foul odors) have petitioned the university, reminding lar to an oversized hamster wheel turned into the atmosphere, resulting in a dan­ administrators of the Greenwich Village on its side and powered by NYU students gerous acceleration of global warming. residents whose luxury apartments would born with a silver spoon in their mouth. City officials have hinted that this be marginally affected by the intrusion. Of course, in order to generate a suffi­ acceleration may have played a role the Fortunately, 1 have come up with a cient amount of energy, students would recent death of the Central Park Zoo's solution that will allow NYU to diverge be required to enter the revolving doors, two beloved polar bears, Mork and from its tradition of encroaching on his­ complete a 900-degree revolution—or

two-and-a-half full turns—and finally pineapple. man’s poor a is apple crab A exit. This could pose a problem to some of the less athletic segments of the stu­ dent population like you, fatty. Though if implemented throughout campus, my plan could undoubtedly solve the univer­ sity’s power problem at the cost of only a mild inconvenience to the student body. But when it comes to the big issues, we Global wanning is no laughing matter. all have to do our part.

WORDS FROM THE STREET

Our reporters have been recording the hard-hitting opinions that are on the minds o f NYU students over the past semester. Here are some transcriptions from our tapes. Uncut. Scathing. This is what’s on the minds o f the bottom rung of the NYU hierarchy.

Mark Mark Suzie Fischerwicz Malone Lincoln-Fairbanks GSP ‘10 GSP '10 GSP ‘10 “Babies would have civil rights, but they “One time I saw a army man at the train “Hey do you want to hear my Borat opin­ can’t stand up for themselves, or even by station, but instead of a gun he just had a ion? Well, it’s the only thing I have that's themselves. Babies don’t have strong stick. I asked if the stick shooted bullets, sort of like an opinion. What, what? Oh enough bones, or enough muscle tone, or but he didn’t answer me. Then 1 tried to yeah, I get opinion and impression mixed even a sufficiently developed motor cor­ see for myself and he hitted me over the up. Gosh. Uni. Okay. George Bush does­ tex to work out how to stand up for them­ head with it. That’s when I lost my num­ n't care about black people. That's like an selves. That’s why they’re called babies bers. Not being able to count hasn’t opinion and an impression, because 1 and not walkies, or strollies or toddlers. stopped me from being a good student, made my voice sound like R Diddy when Walkies are what doggies get when they though. That's what mommy says, any­ he said that during the Hurricane 9/11 need to go potty, not what babies are. So way. Mommy winned the lottery. Now fundraiser. He’s so funny. 1 wish he was babies can cry all they want, but as far as she has fuck-you money.” still doing The Chapelle Show.” I’m concerned, the Bill of Rights just doesn't apply to them.”

9 is <1 poor man l . u o f y o y a p s c i ll ’ t i e l o H p . n o k s c i a r t r t a a H r e n i d i m s a j n i n - e y B a w e t t l o e V b . , 8 y 0 m 0 2 m u c s e h t s campaign. Vote for dignity in y t i n g i d r o f e t o V . n g i a p m a c ’s r e f f e a h c S k c u h C o n ftoe ti g ? o ste nwr l u forany of those things? is answerthe No t o N . n o i t c e l e n a e l c a s t n a w n o s i r r a H n i m a j n e B a Cuk Au Brain” "Anus ChuckCan Schaeffer say he sta^fes election. and forkicking Chuck Schaeffer’s ass in this stands for Justice, Love, Economy The Paid Benjamin forby HarrisonPresident For will h lit )c laeffer?! on shithea' Harrison

N o t t h a t au.y of you -pedcstlrau, urbanites give a fuck., b u tt...

THE PLAGUE REVIEW S: ECONOM Y-CI-ASS CARS m r - ,

The Chevrolet Aveo Priced under ten grand, this little tIrecracker will get you and yours to where you cot to go. It comes in a hatchback model, so your kid won't bitch about holding his wheelchair on his lap anymore. It’s good for groceries too. potentially. We dunno, we eat out mostly. But you should really buy an Aveo. They have CD players and they're easy to parallel park. And buying GM supports America and the war effort, Christ. Jesus man’s poor a is bunny Achocolate or something. The Ford Focus ZX3 When somebody says, “Ford ’ it makes you think of Henry Ford, the inventor of automobiles and celebrated Jew-basher. It’s no secret that the Focus ZX3 was his pride and joy. And how could it not be. with its adorable petite frame weighing the same as one of those midget ponies at the state fair you always consider giving the business to. But honestly, the Focus is really inexpensive. Parent friendly. Wallet friendly. Fuckin friendly. Listen Dad I need the car to drive my woman from the ‘bortion clinic. The Kia Rio The Rio is a little pricey ($12,000), but definitely worth every penny. The car's name alone is pretty neat. Kia Rio. Kia Rio. Now say it really fast. Cool, huh? Now imag­ ine people at work asking you. “Hey. what kind of car is that?” And you rattle its name off, all smooth. There’s just one minor drawback: when the Rio picks an owner it mates tor life, and it mates you a lot, leaving your undercarriage gnarled and oily. But hey, it has power steering. The Saturn Ion What a miserable name for a car. Ion. It’s like the car-namers over at Saturn want­ ed to name their product to remind us of that tiny, insignificant detail we forgot about after our Astronomy final. I mean c'mon, people, we partied. All. The. Time. There’s no room for facts when your head’s clogged with cra/y memories of jump­ ing in the pool at ragers and the other fun things we’d do after the big game. Man, we had so many popular friends that were girls. We give the Ion a B+. Note: We’re doing grades from now on. The Dodge Neon This tamale has everything going for it: a sleek, modern design; five jumbo cuphold- ers; and an engine that purrs like a panther spraying its semen violently. The scats come in either cloth or leather, which are two very predictable options and, on sec­ ond thought, hardly worth mentioning. Perks include A/C and bumpers. But be warned: Neon owners over 5’ 11” rarely walk away from the smallest of fender ben­ ders with intact genitalia. Grade A-

1 I 12

Not smelling like a dead cat is a poor man's all dressed up with nowhere to go. issue of issue Read the next installment o f this figurative thrillride in the next the in thrillride f this o figurative installment next the Read shoes would be, had she been able to see her feet. her see to able been she had be, would shoes sandwiches is going to help us this time.” this us help to going is sandwiches they had nail polish on! The killer was a girl!” a was killer The on! polish nail had they Turning crimson, George continued. George crimson, Turning them come in. They were wearing a mask, but I clearly saw that saw Iclearly but mask, a wearing were in. They come them omores to help Nancy up. Nancy help to omores was sitting alone against the wall watching people dance, dance, people watching wall the against alone sitting was Nancy with a grin, her racially-exclusive blue eyes twinkling. twinkling. eyes blue racially-exclusive her grin, a with Nancy America. George removed herself from a huddle of nubile soph­ nubile of a huddle from herself removed George America. her. Suddenly, she slipped in a pool of blood, landing on a body.a on landing blood, of poolain slipped she her. Suddenly, towards headed Nancy and waved herself .George to She chuckled Literally!” Dupree. Betty with full hands her has sure “she ac jkd heiy ebdig h rslec o Young of resilience the embodying cheerily, joked Nancy but it made people nervous to talk about. “Gee,” thought Nancy, thought “Gee,” about. talkto nervous people itmade but vroe ald e ere eas se a a aig lesbian raging a was she friend. because other George her only Nancy’s called Everyone and cousin Bess’s Fayne, George help.” swell aYou’re contaminated. get doesn’t evidence watch over the snack table at the far end of the dance floor. dance the of end far keeping the at was table snack Bess the over girth, watch some of girl A Marvin. Bess partner, sleuthing and friend her of shape the out make could she room, Borax to clean up this mess!” Nancy thought cheerfully, shak­ cheerfully, thought Nancy mess!” this up clean to Borax ing her genetically superior blonde head. Entering the darkened darkened the Entering head. blonde superior genetically her ing bod­ bob- bullet-ridden the down among strewn was mowing paper Crepe bysoxers. started and rifle assault fully-automatic a out pulled assailant masked a after Dance, Hawkins Sadie the at ies, heaped in the middle of a pool of blood/Tt’ll take a lot of of lot a take blood/Tt’ll of pool a of middle the in heaped ies, public the first installment of... installment the first public not going to keep her warm tonight. There had been a massacre massacre a been had There tonight. was warm her veins keep to her her. ingoing not flowed around that blood tightly Aryan rich, cardigan the Apparently wool her wrapped Drew Nancy to serialize the hook's first chapter in chapter hook's first the serialize to wle pie ad ebr) e rsn t te non-reading the to present we members) (and pride swollen to announce that the author and Simon & Schuster have agreed have Schuster & Simon and author the that announce to We this 're nationwide fall. proud released he to is slated mystery f amed imaginary author Carolyn Keene’s newest Nancy Drew Nancy newest Keene’s Carolyn author imaginary amed f “Thanks anyway, Bess, but 1 don’t think following a trail of of trail a following think 1 butdon’t Bess, anyway, “Thanks Embarrassed, Bess looked down at her shoes. Or where her her where Or shoes. her at down looked Bess Embarrassed, “1 Hy I hn I a gv yu leaotte ilr We I When killer. the about clue a you give can I think I "Hey, said been!” it's where know don't 1 George. thanks, “No hand?” a Need Nance! spill, some was “That DANCE DANCE MASSACRE Hearing this, Bess waddled over and joined the two. the joined and over waddled Bess this, Hearing “Looks like I won’t be wearing these bloomers again!” again!” bloomers these wearing be won’t I like “Looks cos h ro, ofrig h vsby hkn il, was girls, shaken visibly the comforting room, the Across Nancy!” “Hi, “Oh hello, Bess. It's good to see you’re making sure the food the sure making you’re see to good It's Bess. hello, “Oh As she skipped neatly up the stairs to the school gymnasium, gymnasium, school the to stairs the up neatly skipped she As THE CASE OF THE l V C L ilt N saw it, too! Nancy, that gives me an idea!” an me gives that Nancy, too! it, saw SADIE HAWKINS The Plague/ The The Plague. Plague. The So, it is with is it So, 1 saw

els. els. bers of the Student Council? It would be madness! be would It Council? Student the of bers mem­ with sex having regularly were if w'ouldpeople occur ter and my roommate’s representative in the Student Student the in lev­ many on representative wrong was doing were they what so roommate’s Council, my and ter halfway through that my girlfriend was my suitemate’s sis­ suitemate’s my was girlfriend my that through halfway and legs were broken. were legs and room­ my on sex way three had then and ass my kicked all mate's bed while I had to watch, helpless because my arms my because helpless watch, to had I while bed mate's they and start the from up thing whole the made Ihow was he sional and he had never executively produced anything and anything produced executively never had he and sional Mile, Naked The Pie: American what told him the funny thing about that was that he was delu­ was he that was that about thing funny the him told man-flesh. in peddling unknowingly been had he true was dle aged men with weight problems. weight with men aged dle mid­ fact, in are. starlets all of percent forty almost that cate at n wne bod H epand ht ed been he’d that explained He blood. wanted and part and will definitely do it again because recent statistics indi­ statistics recent because itagain do definitely will and xctv Poue o fls like films on Producer Executive funny thing about that is that he’s probably done it before before it done probably he’s that is that about thing funny masturbat­ into him tricking fy ing about a man? I was like, the like, was I man? a about ing justi­ could anyone how know to wanted he presence, her in this and day, previous the Cuthbert to my girlfriend for mentioning mentioning for girlfriend my to apologizing done was he when bated about photos of Elisha Elisha of photos about mastur­ bated personally had he that livid was He kidding?” you “Are himself he explained by saying saying by explained he himself explain to him asked I when and ally an overweight Puerto Rican man and they Photoshop Photoshop they and man Rican Puerto overweight an ally isactu­ Cuthbert Elisha out, itturns as because specifically, him to look like a nubile blonde. nubile a like look to him spread this at look to asked been had we said I semester. this taking I'm elective Photoshop a for it studying actually Cuthbert. a loig t hs itr o oe eeiin loy and floozy I’m isthat that television about thing 1funny her, and not some the like, was of picture this at looking was hl 1 a ejyn te eicohd om f Elisha of form semi-clothed unannounced the totally enjoying in was waltzed 1 They while in. her roommate signed myhe and when downstairs been had She Maxim girlfriend. my with of up shows issue latest the through ad h fny hn aot ht a ta I a n idea no had I that was that about thing funny the said The funny thing about that was my realization about about realization my was that about thing funny The T b i Funny Thing Thing Funny i b T u utmt fo ars te ut hd vrer this overheard had suite the across from suitemate Our y omae a furious. was roommate My h yle a m,ad atd oe xlnto wy I why explanation some wanted and me, at yelled She The other day I was lying in my dorm room, paging paging room, dorm my in lying was I day other The 1 mean can you imagine the corruption of power that power of corruption the imagine you can mean 1 was talking about. I said the funny thing about that about thing funny the said I about. talking was bu t... a h T About and if what I was saying saying was I what if and h’ Al That All She’s and 1 The Historic Roads of NYU by Reggie Dope

hi honor of NYU’s 400th year o f offering a hall-bustingly good education, we here at The Plague have decided that instead of satirizing our university, we 're going to praise the cum out o f it! Part one o f our series. "The Historic Streets o f NYU." was writ­ ten by history buff/road buff Reggie Dope. (We also hear he’s got Asperger’s, which would explain the Sandra Bullock obsession.) Reggie literally did decades o f research on New York City’s roads to prepare himself to write this article. And that’s why it saddens us to say that the morning he was going to put his illuminating findings to paper, a rogue construc­ tion crane near the World Trade Center scab hit Reggie in the face and he forgot everything. Luckily, he's a trooper, and insisted he continue writing the piece anyway. Mr. Dope, as he’s known in his native Kew Gardens, finished the article off the cuff while on his deathbed. I fondly recall him saying, "If / don't write about historic roads for The Plague, I ’ll never be allowed into heaven.’’ / told him that was probably true, and urged him to complete the piece before his internally-hemorrhaging brain fluids mixed with his lung fluids. So here it is: the last thing the almost-fully-licensed historian Reggie Dope ever wrote, "The Historic Streets o f NYU.”

It was something like 500 years ago when George Ten years ago I dropped a quarter on Mercer Street and Washington was born on Washington Place. At the time, it Bat™ Football man’s poor a is bat baseball A never found it again. They say Mercer Street used to be home was called Opium Avenue due to all the Chinamen slinging to Barnum and Bailey’s Circus, but I don’t know anything black tar heroin there. But after Washington crossed the about that. Mercer Street is cold sometimes, while other Rubicon and was exiled to that island in the Mediterranean, times it's not so cold. I don't dislike Mercer Street, I just it got renamed Washington Place so Americans would never wish it was called Mercury Street, as in Freddie Mercury, forget the shame/honor he brought to our country. An ana­ who may or may not be my uncle. Gay Uncle Freddie, they gram for "Washington Place" is “Sandra Bullock Waterfall.” used to call him. I never called him that because 1 couldn't talk until puberty and he died when I was five. Waverlv Place used to be called Pickle Blvd. 'cause of all If memory serves me, Greene Street was where that angry Jews that sold pickles there in the 16th century. They say Russian woman shot President Garfield in the foot. Or was it Waverly Place was once home to Barnum and Bailey's in the funnybone? What's with that, anyway: dudes always Circus, but I don’t know anything about that. It’s also where gettin’ shot in the funnybone? 1 dunno. I’m just a road histo­ that angry Russian woman shot President Garfield in the rian in a hospital bed. So, yeah, Greene Street used to be foot. Right here on Waverly Place. Right in the foot. called Pickle Blvd. 'cause of all Jews that sold pickles there in the 16th century. In 1900. somebody renamed it Mercer Measuring 25 feet wide and thousands of lect long. Street, but that only stuck for an hour or two, as the name University Place is not really a place, but rather a paved road was already taken. It was not until 2006 that it was renamed that stretches from the Bronx Zoo all the way down to the Greene Street, probably after all those pickles. park where I buy my contraband incense sticks. Near this street you can find a university, a store, a park, and hundreds of nannies who get annoyed when you pet their babies like you would a bunny. What’s most interesting about University Place is that it's owned by doughnut impresario and College of Arts and Science Dean. Matthew Santirocco.

I hope you thought my article on roads was better than any other road history article you’ve read recently. I worked hard at research, then I was injured by a crane, but then I worked hard again and wrote it just under deadline. To conclude: Garfield... in the foot... Pickle Blvd... brain fluids.

I have few regrets.

Roads, Reggie Dope 13 14 Postmodernism is a poor man's post-postmodernism. no team has since challenged Gesauldo inside. Gesauldo challenged since has team no a red flag on his report for poor makeup, but applaud his motor and drive. Opponents took Opponents drive. and motor his applaud but makeup, poor for report his on flag red a italia. Gesauldo then dragged the mutilated corpses into town to display his fine handiwork. 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Shostakovich on his own could be a bona fide star, but he’s very smart and tailors and smart very he’s but star, fide bona a be could own his on Shostakovich team. the on sibility respon­ his know to needs player every but firepower, significant have will undoubtedly this like Ateam DmitriShootingguard:Shostakovich (1906-1975) of a tight gaqie. tight a of Bcilioz could become a great team leader. Though coaches shouldn't depend on him down the stretch stretch the down him on depend shouldn't coaches Though leader. team great a become could Bcilioz in year a spent Hector forehead. opponent’s his off ball the dribble to is he as solo over-the-top an Italian League, picking up many of his current tricks. Much like Jason Williams, with the right coach, coach, right the with Williams, Jason like Much tricks. current his of many up picking League, Italian aiin s lsy neeysneo te od h qitseta somn e sjs s iey to likely as is just he showman, quintessential The word. the of sense every in flashy is Parisian PointBerliozHectorguard:(1803-1869) With a definite flare for the dramatic, Berlioz adds spice to any team and can draw a crowd. a draw can and team any to spice adds Berlioz dramatic, the for flare definite aWith . f o e v i F g n i t r a t S e m i T - l l A e h T C C s r e s o p m o l a c i s s a l fr&m/thesvvUnd/ofC.A.S. Dea^r/Santtmcccr...

(for Heterosexuals)

Not too long ago, this little humor rag printed an article called “New Shapes,” in w hich the author described things he was declar­ ing to be new shapes. If you haven’t read it yet. don’t bother. It’s a fucking turd. A smooth, burnt sienna-colored turd, that wasn’t funny and made no sense. Anyway, as a rebuttal of sorts. I’d like to present “New Sexual Positions (for Heterosexuals).” I prom­ ise it II make sense. Or, it not, at least it 11 make you want to start fucking somebody. In fact, that’s our motto here at CAS: We'll at least make you want to start fucking somebody. I thought of that myself. I’m the dean. Dean Santirocco. Position #1 as possible while she learns how to play because I’m a scholar. Here it is: The Vodka Tumbler simple punk songs on a guitar. Once he’s He lies on his side while she prepares a had enough (I say 30 is enough, but I’m a The more the marquis pondered it, the more stiff vodka tonic. Instead of squeezing the Dean for Chrissakes), he uses his sticky He wondered at her patience, and if he lemon into the drink, she drips the juice jimbly to sculpt her hair into a mohawk. Had not known o f a certainty before onto her jimblies and he licks it off while Then he dies of heroin while she plays the Griseida loved her children perfectly. Sexton. President man’s poor a is Santirocco Dean gargling the drink. Still gargling, he songs she’s learned. Continue this until H e’d have thought it was from craft or cruelly. From rancour, or from sheer hard-heartedness enters her, but only after doing ten sit- the mohawk falls flat. Oi! Oi! Oi! The She endured this with an untroubled face. ups. The sit-ups tumble the booze, and Punk Rocker! voila: The Vodka Tumbler! She’s bound to say, "What the fuck was Position #4 that for?” at which point he renders her Position #2 The John Sexton unconscious with an elbow to the temple The Danish Cartoonist Grow a beard and rape the Dean of the and does whatever he wants with her. Buy a bomb from Sam’s Club. Wrap it in College of Ails and Science every week Poetic justice? Nope. Just The Sneaky a turban and light a long fuse. She wears until he promises not to tell the press Chaucer! the turban-bomb while he takes her por­ about the money you’ve been siphoning trait with a pen and masturbates. If the from the Hagop Kevorkian Center for Position #6 bomb goes off before the portrait’s fin­ Near Eastern Studies’ endowment. The Orgasm ished, they both lose, and probably die. If He waxes his jimblies until they’re good #5 they finish it, they have to sell it to a Position and smooth and she spreads her jimbly Danish newspaper and then see how The Sneaky Chaucer around his blood sausage, a.k.a. jimbly. many times they can bone before a single He gets her all excited by giving her a Then he puts his hands on her two jim­ letter of hatemail arrives in their mailbox. diligent Vodka Tumbler. Then, while blies and doesn’t let go until her small In my experience, a good number is 25. she’s recovering from the clusterfuck of greasy jimbly is swollen. If done right, Yes! The Danish Cartoonist. pleasure, he runs out to Shakespeare and his jimbly will be up in her jimbly far Co. on Broadway and buys a hardback enough for his waxed jimblies to get in Position #3 copy of The Canterbury Tales. Back in there too, assuming her jimbly isn’t all The Punk Rocker bed now, he stealthily shoves the book up that puny. This should cause both partici­ He jacks off into his hands as many times her jimbly and quotes a passage. The one pants to orgasm. That’s why it’s called I always use is from The Scholar’s Tale The Orgasm.

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• Linguinitini • Game Genietini •Tahinitini • Mr. Feeneytini • Dwight Freeneytini • Cocktail weenietini 16 Jessica Simpson is a poor man’s Jay-Z. ae. oe-rbig os n l my all in Wops money-grubbing cated. l prdss Ecp fr i te Wops the undomesti­ many so ail seen never I’d for there. Except paradises. all TravelMemoir life. Herculaneum was also paradise. also was Herculaneum life. Florence,Turin, Rome, Sicily, Pom peii- peii- Pom Sicily, Rome, Florence,Turin, to. conclusion the he to story a er endings, f my o a few share well as might and up give l middle, and beginning a Indeed, Pisa was just that: paradise. And paradise. that: just was Pisa Indeed, a prop­ given read and he they'll in hopes from straight sugar powered eating start el Cnoc Cabla orn: a Fotruna: Ciabbella Cantorce Bella l figured I But shame. f o out hag the write to try and hack go I when hut ease, the opposite. just I'm Me, the it. to find finish words never right can they then hut story, always are mine of friends author Some on n psintl dsaaig e for her disparaging passionately in, join akn aot o es i i t bgn a begin to is it easy how about talking eess te rw aadn lgc and logic abandons crowd the defenses, blames the professional for absurd things absurd for professional the blames well-reasoned her Despite baseness. her the young professional. The passengers passengers The professional. young the on farts the blames hastily man homeless passengers recoil in horror at their odor. their at horror in recoil passengers it but notice, not do passengers other and sits across from an obese, disheveled disheveled obese, an from across sits and ods hmn at ee rcre. The the recorded. ever nearing farts human until loudest volume in increases ing. moment a for riding After man. homeless in silence, the homeless man begins fart­ begins man homeless the silence, in what it is to he alive." he to is it what Feb. 12, 2007, The North Pole North The 12, 2007, Feb. “Andas now, 1 Sensing the others leering at him, the the him, at leering others the Sensing t is, i fauec i qit n the and quiet is flatulence his first, At n Search of Beginnings and Middles e l d d i M d n a s g n i n n i g e B f o h c r a e S in s g n i d n E y r o t S t r o h S sional enters a crowded subway car car subway crowded a profes­ enters female sional confident, young, A / / a ed tre wt great with stories end can / / die, I finally understand I die, finally , g n i d n a t S s e l c o h p o S r o f s e h c t e k S d e s o p o r P s Newest Sketch Tragedy Group u o r G y d e g a r T h c t e k S t s e w e N ’s U Y N M artin S hort

Chrissakes. It was time. was It for Chrissakes. old. years 89 like. were, The course. quoting Macbeth—could be. But they they But be. Macbeth—could one naked, quoting duo—one their entertaining were dead, from natural causes, of of causes, natural from dead, were would’ve they off taken had vaude­ show ville their only If dead. w'ere sonator had a chance to show the world just how just world the show to chance a had imper­ Shakespeare the and showgirl the Shakespeare the and Showgirl The archery, I think. Maybe not. Maybe think. I archery, the in metaphor common very a It's eye. Impersonator get, then one could say that he got a bulls­ a he got that say could one then get, hotel the If it. about think you when eye, temple. manager’s hotel the at point-first in the cup that sat on the nightstand, both both nightstand, the on sat that cup the in still cultures yogurt live the Unlike Dead. English language originating from from originating language English bulls- a was it And said. he “Bullseye,” aae’ tml ws i itne tar­ intended his was temple manager’s knife Bowie the flung Reggie Archbishop patrons of the restaurant. The The restaurant. the of patrons As if he were an expert knife thrower. thrower. knife expert an were he if As Reggie’sArchbishopPyramidScheme and thrashing, disturbing the other other the disturbing thrashing, and ot,bt e oe hssnste man the sends This nose. her but mouth, into a psychosis. He begins screaming screaming begins He psychosis. a into her with eat not does woman the that inappro­ priate. increasingly turning questions, rocpe ytensrl eak many asks He nostril. the by preoccupied be but help cannot and flustered becomes benign. completely and genetic it’s that responds she and it about inquires He nostril. giant un. vrtig sgigwl utl the until well going is Everything funny. and beautiful very is She arrives. woman the professional to death. to professional the the draws which fart, enormous an es man notices that the woman only has one one has only woman the that notices man attention of two young muggers who stab who muggers young two of attention releas­ she train, the leaving after Shortly warm drink at Starbucks that morning). that Starbucks at drink warm luke­ a receiving (e.g. in hand no had she stop despite it not being her destination. destination. her being not it next despite stop the at car the exits professional the When their food arrives, it is revealed revealed is it arrives, food their When Despite his best efforts, the man man the efforts, best his Despite No longer able to withstand the abuse, abuse, the withstand to able longer No restaurant awaiting his blind date. The The date. blind his awaiting restaurant vsby evu mn s etd t a at seated is man nervous visibly A ate ’ d maitre

“I’m happy for both of us.” of both for happy “I’m “Great.” said. he right?” know, I “Yeah. “No conflict, then,” she said. she then,” conflict, “No “Great.” “Good.” “Good,” he said. he “Good,” tears, won’t.” the “I back holding said, she “Fine." and it, do I’ll ‘cause me, pressure “Don’t y gtig os, n si, Mk that surgeons.” two “Make said, and worse, getting eye it won’t be pretty.” be won’t it A Drawn-Out Alluskm to Greek “I’m coming home, and I’m gonna need aneed gonna I’m and home, coming “I’m surgeon.” He felt the glaucoma in his left his in glaucoma the felt He surgeon.” spine. his from icicle arm-length final the olsns, h hs ot l rset for respect all lost has she joblessness, id ik “o, Bad si, pulling said, Brandt “Mom," sick. wor­ ried been she’s said and number. answered, phone She mother’s his dialed and his cell, grabbed his chest, off refrigerator DebacleGreatCordSpinalThe North. Third Avenue into signed he will Standing Sophocles for Auditions ytm Bad hitd h dr room dorm the hoisted Brandt system. pulley complex his of assistance the With he to Marsh Ahhy E-mail 3. May on held falls to his knees, cursing fate. pirate cursing knees, his to falls still-unemployed The executive. i sod n ipls i wf ad the and wife his impales and sword his e hsad n hs en haig on draws pirate The cheating executive. the with been him has and husband her his to due that learns pirate the appears, “plundering” as a marketable skill). marketable a as “plundering” that revealed isit interview, the of course level position, but the pirate’s hubris hubris pirate’s rebuke. the angrily to him leads but position, level o te pnn (.. i rsm lists resume his (e.g. opening the for under-qualified humorously is pirate the own nose and collapses to the ground. the to collapses and nose own 3 one only has too he that revealing chair, killing table, the from knife a with chest nostril. He then climactically cuts off his off cuts climactically then He nostril. hisin sobbing down breaks man her.The the in woman the stabs and free breaks teps o etan h mn bt he but man, the restrain to attempts When the pirate’s wife unexpectedly unexpectedly wife pirate’s the When The executive offers the pirate an entry an pirate the offers executive The A pirate is shown into an executive’s executive’s an into shown is pirate A fie o a o itriw I the In interview. job a for office Dramas

Steinhardt is a poor man’s CAS. man’s poor a is Steinhardt

“Send off this memo. Also, stop finger-fucking that ostrich. ” “I just don 7 think you can run for president if you don 7 own any trousers."

Portrait o f Goatse as a young man OFFENSIVE To MUSLIMS COM IX!

The Jyllands-Posten Muhammad cartoons controversy that gripped the world during the latter quarter of 2005 had a widely unreported impact on the American comic strip industry. Amidst the scandal numerous mainstream strips were pulled from production because they were deemed offensive to muslims. A current Plague writer was interning at a major American newspaper at the time and managed to smuggle several examples of such strips out. Here they are now.

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“POISON GAS HAS WORKED WELL FOR US | IN THE PAST.”

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THIS FASHION ARTICLE SArs THE HIGHER y o u r h e e l s a r e , t h e t h in n e r you l o o k

[IF YOU STUCK WITH \ A I YOUR RAMADAN FAST] l YOU WOULDNT BE SO/s - FUCKING FAT. J ^ s : BL ______

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BABY AND PENGUIN COM IX by Ryan Grim A black and white page of comics is a poor man 's color page of comics. of page man color 'spoor a is comics of page white and black A

M'ti1 22 Decision 2008 is a poor man s opportunity to choose between two complete assholes again. What Not to Wear to... you need to get up on these: on up get to need you models and other people well disposed to mete out advice on how to avoid looking like shit. Last we checked, we Last shit.like looking avoid to how on advice out mete to disposed well people other and models u ahryu toiu sne ffsin Fruaey o you, for Fortunately fashion. of sense atrocious your rather but horrible ogre with greasy hair and a unibrow, it probably isn't the way god shaped you that so offends the world, the so offends that you shaped god isn't way itthe unibrow, probably a and hair with greasy horrible ogre ae o ee ntcd h ser ad eiin o gt vr tm yu ev yu hue Uls yur a you're Unless house? your leave you time every get you derision and sneers the noticed ever you Have Plague Writer Tipson... .Clmi University ...Columbia ...an STD awareness rally awareness STD ...an ...a homophobe’s house ...a ...a stripclub ...a h Plague The is staffed exclusively by fashion by exclusively staffed is U Y N An NYU Sweatshirt NYU An A free speech shirt speech A free A Texas A&M A Texas shirt.

...a Plague meeting

A Columbia shirt ...Harvard A sort of poor man is a poor man s rich man. rich s man poor a is man poor of Asort A ‘Girls are smart, too!’ shirt ...a Starbucks

9 F a ir T ra d e An ‘I [heart] Fair Trade’ shirt ...class

Pants ...The Sweat n’ Shop at Coles

“By relentlessly pursuing efficiencies in management and production, we aim to make the use of exploitative labor tactics not only unnecessary but actually counterproductive '' ______- Oqv Charney American Apparel' American Apparel

23 24 Katrina is a poor man's 9/11. AND W AND SLEEP wuu u w I

sional athlete? I mean, really. mean, I athlete? sional profes­ a bone wouldn’t Who Food Network, E.V.O.O. Network, Food is it since Or, involved. sauce hr wud rbby be probably would there whipped cream or chocolate chocolate or cream whipped k r o w t e N came on to me first. me to on came 1 1 E! if if only but E! desperate, were with sleep I’d way. E! is a cheap whore, but good- good- but whore, isa cheap E! looking in a bland, plastic plastic bland, a in looking tics. o t ol b a n night one a awith stand night Astand. one be would it so eiuos s o prophylac­ of use meticulous disease, with riddled probably spring break. But MTV is also is ButMTV break. spring over Cancun in meet you that body great a with thing young V T M lay. HBO’s great a probably also fling. summer great n ted ad ol b a be would and trendy and edgy it’s really but kind, rying O B H would sleep with with sleep would eiiey s’ h mar­ the isn’t definitely would be that hot, hot, that be would n erba. And heartbeat. a in aiabl f y s i Eur , h gatonomic m o n astro g the e, p ro u E in rs a ye r fo le b ila va A eouin Dik s ial i the rock! it in s e o d finally s u s is je e u d fucking n o F joyful ly e o s H e e h C tates! S ick D nited f U o revolution d o o F myself on this one. this on myself so it’s sort of a no-brainer. a of sort it’s so men, to back her switching you’re tell you when angry and Lifetime getting really bitter bitter really getting Lifetime picture Ican and taste, my for n Lftm. E s little a too is WE Lifetime. and I’m not even going to explain explain to going even not I’m are Women's Entertainment Entertainment Women's experience. are lesbian that Because your other options options other your Because want you when to go you’d n e g y x O King. Larry for n h mr ta mks up makes than more he Cooper. And Anderson has CNN frightening like that. like frightening probably want to get into into get to want probably with nooses or something something or nooses role-playing with or bloodsports too get to want wouldn’t you di ondue. m o .c e u d n fo e s e e h c k ic .d w w w involved, because he would would he because involved, but while, a for fun be would FX way. creepier a in maybe the list. the so curious, I’m he? is good how X F staying in character even even just but offscreen, character he’s when in staying tpe Clet s od at good is Colbert Stephen It’d be mad hot. mad be It’d C- with sleeping like Ifeel but aak n h Snt floor. Senate the on Barack banging like be would SPAN arousing, that all really aren’t boring Senate hearings, which hearings, excruciatingly Senate boring of think you N A P S C- name The me out. hear Just ama unci a harm D C o m e d y C e n t r a l l a r t n e C y d e m o C s lk HO eg, but edgy, HBO. like is, probably just makes makes just probably would be the network network the be would Greg-heavy Greg-heavy makes makes N A P S - C

V i d e o g a m e s t h a t m a k e y o a r a c i s t .

SUPER MARIO BROS. You are an Italian plumber riding all sorts of animals in an ironically non-sexual man­ ner. The irony doesn't stop there though, your job is to hop on little brown things called goombas or if you are feeling particularly creative, ignite them on fire with your Super Mario super powers. Killing more of these nasty little brown thingy gets you coins and occasionally a magical star that lets you trip out all sparkly and kill anything you touch.

What you learned: Try to stomp the shit out of brown goombas and other sort of col­ World 1-2 represents the dark under­ ored thingy that doesn’t make sense to you. When that’s done do some flowers or world o f the Cosa Nostra. mushrooms and stomp some more and you will get fat cash and castles.

OOOOOOtut* HIGH OOVfeOO r.CQRC

L ~ O 1 River. Hudson man’s poor a is River Charles The DONKEV KONG It ill Again you are this sorta w'hite guy named Mario who wasn't on Saved by the B e ll. This time your job is to avoid the threats and barrels tossed at you by this large angry black jjj s_—^3, dude in a tie who appears to have—how ironic is this?—enslaved your virginal white T) princess.

What you learned: Black dudes are angry and obviously have no respect for barrels. More than that, they seem to want to steal your white wives and daughters. i » . -I Where da white wimmin at?”

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA You are an Aryan youth with a sword of virtue on a quest to cleanse the countryside of magically ethnic demons. The main guy you are up against is an Arab-looking wiz­ ard fellow who wants to deflower your girlfriend Zelda.

What you learned: Aryan youth with swords and magic are awesome. The only way to make a world magical and free of fear is to cleanse the “darkness” of the land with a righteous rain of magical whiteness. Oh yeah, and Arabs are magical, horse-riding ter Eat iibermensch parry-and-feint, leever rorists waiting to use their demonic powers to bone your girlfriend. scum. STREET FIGHTER O.K.. so this time you get to choose your fighter and beat the shit out of another fight­ er who is ethnically different from you. But don’t worry, no matter what ethnic dudes you beat the shit out of, there is always this boss at the end who looks like a mix between a Nazi captain and a Soviet nuke and he always goes Hiroshima on your ass.

What you learned: This game teaches you important facts of most world cultures. Russians, for instance, are all jacked, hairy, and wrestle bears. Indians eat hot curry that lets them teleport, spit fire and stretch their arms a lot. Asians all wear karate out­ fits and kick everything and if they get really pissed they can shoot blue slow moving Help me! I 'm just a caption writer kept fireballs out of their hands. Also to note, if you are American with blonde hair and blue captive here in the Publications Ixib. eyes you can do this fireball ninja shit too. Congratulations. Inform OS A.

2 5 Martin Luther King Sr. is a poor man’s Martin Luther King Jr. . u o y r o f e t o v for?isanswer.the No o t k c a b y t i l i v i c g n i r b o t an d most of all,of and most sucks dickhe crack. for n 2008! 8 0 0 2 r in o f k c e t u o h s V C t ! n s a c i t w i l r o e p f f e a h c S k c u h C have any not well may as he thatjust compared Chuck to Schaeffer. n return, he wi w e h , n r u t e r In candidateforVice President inhas 2008 There’s thing Chuck that one Schaeffer, Isthatkind the manof youwant vote to ups, push integrity, can’t do no has he e j m n arsn a n plce, he policies,Benjamin no Harrison has lny f ad that’s balls. and that of, It’splenty not Benjamin Harrison doesn’t have any, it’s R E F F E A H C S K C U H C reason in the 2008 election o i t c e l e 8 0 0 2 e h t n i n o s a e r f o e c i o v A " i for by Chuck Schaefer Vi dent n e id s e r P e ic V r o f r ffe e a h c S k c u h C y b r o f aid P o Vc President Vice for

— " . t r e b E r e g o R Gays and Democrats Destroyed K-Fed and Britney’s Marriage and Turned America Into Nation of Bastards According to one member of the complete power in government. Once good Catholics did in those days.” President’s Council for Saving Marriage, again, the future of marriage looks bleak. Troubled by the prospect of marrying President Bush, when elected, had a The history of divorce goes back sev­ another nag simply to fulfill his kingly three-stage plan for purifying marriage. eral centuries, to King Henry V111 of duties, Henry went to Sven for advice and “His plan was elimination of gay mar­ England. Soon after courting, plowing, together they came up with the unnatural riage in his first term, liberal marriage in and marrying his first wife, whose name concept of divorce. "The gays had offi­ his second term, and to ban all divorces in is lost to history. Henry joined a danger­ cially destroyed marriage,” Haggard said. his third term.” the source said. ous, but burgeoning bohemian social Though this set the dangerous divorce The source, who chose to remain scene. It was there that Henry began a precedent. Henry required allies in order anonymous for fear of liberal witchcraft serious relationship with Enrique Sven, a to popularize this new ideology. “He cursing his own marriage, added that Swedish sailor who later opened up the turned to Frederick Kerry, a leading things had not gone as planned. “We shop Flaming Wigs, supplying colorful member of the Flaming Whig Party, a thought after the quick and painless hairpieces to England’s aristocracy. prototype for modern-day liberals,” democratization of the Middle East, our “Henry’s fondness for male genitalia is According to Haggard, Kerry had secret­ administration would be popular enough well documented,” said Dr. Theodore ly been promoting divorce as well, but to finally free American society from the Haggard, author of the Post-bestseller. under a different name. “Kerry and the shackles of liberalism at home,” the Fag’d: How Liberals Fagged Up Flaming Wigs had been circulating pam­ of edition Fools April The source said. “We may have been wrong.” Am erica. “But as an observant Catholic, phlets promoting a cut-and-run approach Now, the window for change may be Henry was forced to remain locked in the to marriage,” Haggard said. closing. After rigging the voting process sacred bonds of marriage until death. According to the Cut and Run with shiny yet impossible to use electric Realizing he could no longer face his Doctrine, marriage was never really voting machines and spending millions wife, he executed her rather than divorce meant to last until death. “If you look in bribing voting officials in innumerable her.” Dr. Haggard then added with a the Bible’s appendix, it clearly states that states including Florida, Virginia, and one sigh of remorse, “As marriage will inevitably cause one’s state that chose to remain anonymous, a 1 1 death,” reads one such pamphlet. “The Democrats are on the brink of proposition that any all-knowing being WSN seizing back vnrK Varr»P,reS would mandate we live side-by-side with is a poor man’s man’s poor a is another person for more than a year’s L o o m s F ° r thing- time is preposterous.” the real with AIDS EP'deW,C York ... chtistianS Now, with Democrats likely to have a the Me* ReVn°\d" eTvaUve 0ut, week controlling voice in the government for sedbV t rhV Some c adv spoV- j A study re'e^ f H ea\* ^ s have . vamp'res years to come, one can only ask how

of " T iiy ’s vampuc Plague. The jrkC ujy’S ' gruiroups ' „ not on') . worm- many needless marriages will suffer. C'D Yo* to °"w revea\s> th ^ ^ tre tnmetv e ty vulne' “Already we’ve seen Britney and K ateW den°Me* YorkVor .M froWpresident ^ ' o oi f God ^ Ha«* VsVand pop’ which can twelve „ Shepard- ri . ..{ {.ong Fed dissolve,” Haggard said. t-tVV vims, xV ‘ past Sean She\ y s oUt ot 6 {or- “Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. everyone „LeVrticos dnnV- Heather Locklear and Richie rted rti 900% com City- decUo„d’s children ^ vhe more *anthiXH ^ according Sambora,Travis Barker and... Mrs. Barker. When is enough enough?” b'd8 S o o d * a r?uVs an a b o m i^ pared to the \ Haggard suggests in this crucial to ign°re the report- continue time, we have to be vigilant about to {ace then vamp're; the state of our country. Recently America passed the threshold of die.' “ a * * * * " 300 million citizens, lauded by to Hell- & * * £ % * • everyone except the lunatic from fringe left, which claims there ways Sheprard. \ive as are some sort of negative don t itnu “overpopulation” effects. But ply like Dan blood- for * « • * « £ a less publicized and more rights they bav Vdrpeople- VamP're that maybe startling statistic shows that Reynolds claim ’s report is * - 5 . the number of married cou­ \f s ms way m ”*e 11. .kid •« «r>uyon m n yr stnaU; .. „ D epart^1 "tTvamP't'Stn we ples has dropped below the 'inherently one day 0{ that are example of five an paupart the chances 50"' percentile. So what But ln& l°,b(estyle-' Drinking ^h o le does this mean? “America r^ky Ufesty bfoo sticking may be on the verge of \’m becoming a nation of bastards.”

27 28 An incomplete sentence is a poor man's complete Ted See you in a week, ina you See unreachablefor me rendering location, my upon immediately descend to Telecommunications h rs y vacation. my f the resto me by cellphone, as its ring will cause Jormungandr the Dragon Serpent and Lesser Demon of of Demon andLesser Serpent causeJormungandr Dragon the will itsasring cellphone, by me bullets. silver of salvo talkand warning small Crippling Solution: If lunch? after itis Also, casual conversation. for again by has dropped HR from Sally Cause: in any other problems you encounter. In any case, whatever you do, do not attempt to contactattemptnot to do do, you whatever case, Inanyencounter. you problems other inany ones. redthe f o many pills/tooktoo blue your taketo forgot so, you in. comes e-mail next your when won ve you’ ouin Oc ngls a tre ern -al rmyu no wt i lwd hands, hisclawed with inbox your from has startede-mails tearing Sniggles Once Solution: Ogre. theFirewall such Sniggles stoppage a for — responsible be thingcan possibly one only for are, you Right alarm. tor causebe may flow the inbreakconstantly,and any there is only one thing that can make him stop— besting him in a dance contest. You’ ll know know ll You’ contest. in adance him besting stop— thathim thing make canone isthereonly Problem: Hideous, troll-like monster invading office. invading monster troll-like Hideous, Problem: Cause: reciting the mantra (“ Wakka wakka wakka” ), as you have seen me do many times before. The The before. times many do me seen have as you ), wakka” wakka Wakka the mantra (“ reciting Solution: Cease your current activity. Shake hands vigorously on either side of monitor while while monitor of side either on handsShakevigorously current activity. your Cease Solution: itdown. slowing thus noticeably connection, wireless inour entangled become to dency Problem: No e-mails in over five minutes. five inover e-mails No Problem: ing place under the file cabinet. underthefile place inghid­ their into back Internetand thethemscare from pixies any dislodge will andnoise motion aten­ harmless, have usually although pixies, These pixies. is web and design, its age invisible to due Internetconnection, of family aa tohostouroffice before, explained have I As Cause: than satisfactory. Internet runningslower atspeed a Problem: oi i teeetayofte issues the usuallyaddressthat f arise. I o any the initevent to normal point man for the next week. As such, I have prepared the following memo. Please refer refer Please memo. following theprepared have such,I As week. nextthe manfor point normal UJC: ouin optniltcnlgcl problems technological potential to Solutions SUBJECT: President Pelmont, William TO: AE Mrh 1,2007 3 March DATE: FROM: Ted DiMarco, Junior Communications Associate Junior Communications DiMarco, Ted FROM: 1 hope the above helps you with any issues that arise. Hopefully IT will be able to assistto able be will IT issuesthatanyHopefully arise. with you helps 1 theabove hope As you are aware, 1 am departing for my vacation tomorrow, leaving you without your your without you leaving tomorrow, vacation my 1 for areaware, departing am you As As we all know, due to your importance and status, you expect to receive e-mails almost e-mails receive to and status, importance expect you your to due know, all we As RATED GROUP U O R G D E T A R G E T S Y S E H T eeomnctossltossne 1973 since solutions Telecommunications M U D N A R O M E M Physically Impossible, You Say? We’ll See About That!

Hey, check out my Snapple fact: "A kangaroo can jump 30 feet." That’s pretty interesting, eh? What’s yours say? “It’s physically impossible for someone to lick his own elbow?” Really? Huh. 1 wouldn't have thought that that would be impossible. That really surprises me.

You know what, man? I don't believe that. That’s bullshit. I can totally lick my own elbow. I’m pretty sure I’ve done it before. Not positive, no, but I'm pretty fuckin' sure. How hard can it fucking be? “Physically impossible,” you say? We’ll see about that!

Okay. You ready? I’m going to do it. Yes. I’m going to fucking do it. Just watch. You watching? Okay.

Ballsack! Okay, that didn't work. I was pretty close, though, right? Like a quarter of an inch, right? Couldn't have been much more than that. Three inches? AIDS muffins. You know it was closer than that. No, shut up. I got this.

Ow. Okay, I may have pulled my rotator cuff. But I came really, really close that time. I totally licked a hair that time. One more try should do it. Just watch. Ready? No, shut up, I'm doing it.

Ahhhh!! Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!

Right. I didn’t quite make it that time. I think I ripped some skin off. Yep, there is definitely some elbow skin embedded under my fingernails. That’s not good. But you know what? I think, if that skin was still there, I would have reached it. Yeah, dude. I was that fucking close. Stupid fucking epidermis had to go and get peeled off, though. Whatever, I guess it’s not really worth it.

But come on, it’s not like Snapple needs any more reason to be smug. I mean, some of those flavor names—What-a-Melon? How fucking pompous can you get? Fucking Snapple, with those fuck­ ing caps that make that fucking popping noise, and then they stick fucking “facts” on them? What the fuck? Who do you think you are. Snapple? Fucking Wikipedia? Huh? CAUSF YOU AIN’T!

AHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! OH GOD! OH MY GOD! I JUST RIPPED MY FUCKING ARM OUT OF MY FUCKING SOCKET! HOLY SHIT! SHITTY FUCKING FUCKER! OH MY GOD! OH GINGER BISCUITS!!!

Hey wait. 1 just realized something. With my arm not attached to my body-HA!! HAHAHAHA!!! I FUCKING DID IT! I LICKED MY FUCKING ELBOW! OWNED. SNAPPLE FACT! WHO’S STUPID NOW?! 30 British English is a poor man's American English. Say something you uptight fucks. spooky King Carlos of Spain building.of Spain KingCarlos spooky olg te atne. u b wre. hs ae ny og etmts a Te ueu f ubr ad ttsis s not is Statistics and Numbers of Bureau The as estimates, rough only are These warned. be But attended. they college known for its precision. We here at here its precision. We forknown of Bureau NYU the you, of all Luckilyfor point. some at graduation, after do to wants he/she/transgendered what about Numbers and Statistics has released its annual report on the professions of the University's undergraduates based on the on based undergraduates University's professions theof the on report itsannual released Statisticshas and Numbers thinkto has student NYU average the fact, harrowing this Knowing lastforever. doesn't college earth, thingson most Like o NU Students NYU for ague u g la P e h T hv rpitdte eott aeyuteti ote ueusofc inthatoffice Bureau's the tripto the you save to report the reprinted have Vrlvdodrco: 1% director:video Viral # Otihjce: 1Ostrichjockey: % • 9 9 rg sr 1 user: Drug % i ukn rtre ouns o ilg oc: 1% Voice:columnist for Village retarded Fucking $ Penn: 50% Pregnant: • • That loud religious guy on the Ltrain: 22% religiousloud the onguy That 8% Jersey: New • inparks amusement at jobs Service Food • Hpiysl-mlyd 2% self-employed: Happily • of Individualized Study d u t S d e z i l a u d i v i d n I collected) be couldsignificant f data (No o l o o h c S n i /A t •N a l l a G ences e c n ie c S d n a s t r A f o e g e l l o C s r o j a M / n o i t a c u d E f o y r e e g g e a l l b o b C a r t r G a h n i e t S Administrator/manager/secretary/office stooge/career intern:90% stooge/career Administrator/manager/secretary/office Nvls: 1% Novelist: otslir 1% soldier:Foot 1% Bricklayer: 2% importer/Eporter:African South evn oSuhArcnipre/pre: 1% importer/Eporter:African Southto Servant Astronaut:0% efepoe: 9% Self-employed: dctr 8% Educator:

Tisch School of the Arts • Waiter/waitress at that restaurant nobody goes to because the waitresses are fat: 80% • Actor/actress/director/screenwriter: 7% • Mime: 5.3% Ostrich jockey: 4% Employee at a US government currency minting facility: 3% 4 Babysitting nephew: 1% Astronaut: 1%

Stern School of Business • Administrator: 12% # Official: 38% • Worker: 20% Employee: 10% Manager: 10% 1 Committee member: 5% Salary earner: 3% # Project leader 1 % Rapist for hire: 1% sYouTube. e b u T u o Y ’s PAID ADVERTISEMENT

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