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Stanford's Last Fucks Reported Missing VWDQIRUGÁLSVLGHFRP N@E8=I<< =C@GJ@;< J?FK>C8JJ j\\YXZb w ide.com Free Everywhere, $2.30 Canada Year 6, Issue 13, No. 163 ww.stanfordÁ ips HEADLINES Stanford’s Last Fucks Reported Missing Sources report Alan Worth, a sophomore known widely throughout campus as the last student with fucks in his possession may have lost the title this weekend. While anyone has aM\ \W ÅTM IV WNÅKQIT ZMXWZ\ ?WZ\P¼[ Abroad Student dorm mates came to the conclusion Experiences Internal that the fucks were no longer present Growth, Is Hospitalized upon stumbling past Worth’s double in Crothers last Saturday morning. Worth’s room was a ghastly display of apathetic release; reports indicate the presence of the usual: ubiquitous \ZI[PJZWSMVOTI[[WV\PMÆWWZ?WZ\P himself lying in a makeshift bed of Kim Jong Un Executes wide-ruled paper atop a small pool of crafted CHEM33 molecular model concerned that all evidence points to Himself After Looking in vomit and bodily excretion. However, Mirror “Dishonorably” WN _PI\ IXXMIZ[ \W JM IV MNÅOa WN most dorms rapidly converging to a also present were atypical signs of Dionysus. post-apocalyptic wasteland bereft of Get a good job. a mind pushed past the point of In an attempt to make light of any sort of motivation, Pettworther Do a good thing. depravity, such as the rhetorical “what these events Dean of Residence Dr. replied “Nah.” (Pitzer Adams, Apply to CodeHS. if God was one of us?” smeared on Ronald Pettworther was reached Foucart) Visit codehs.com/jobs the wall in feces and a meticulously for comment. When asked if he was Getting the Most Out of Your Demonic Possession Alternative Spring Break: Novosibirsk tongues - so take advantage of the opportunity! Find out which tongue you’re speaking and plan a vacation to every country where it’s spoken. As you burn whole cities, you’ll be able to curse God’s name like a native! 2) Lose Weight After vomiting locusts and serpents for a few days, you’re really By Arkidiy Zilomanov, Tourism are God’s artwork! We have 30 going to start noticing the difference! Minister of Novosibirsk Oblast species of Siberian possum on Every critter that worms its way out Hello Friend, are you display! Largest in all of world- of your esophagus is equivalent to scrutinizing possible options for possum display available, it is good So you partied a little too hard, between 1 and 3 hours of exercise. a most fortuitous spring holiday? zoo, friend. drank a little too much, knelt in a And on a diet of the blood of the Rummage no further, as we have Or perhaps you possess few too many pentagrams chanting innocent, the pounds will just slip perfect option for you. From world- inclination to watch sporting? arcane spells better left unknown. away. It is guaranteed that the last class attraction, Novosibirsk Zoo, Lokomotiv Novosibirsk is premier )VLVW_aW]¼^M_WSMV]X\WÅVLI words out of your victims’ mouth as to many factories included Siberian volleyball team, and is best in thing of pure evil has wrapped itself you crush the life from their throats Food Corporation and Electro- Russia and certainly better than QVaW]ZÆM[PIVLUILMaW]Q\[PW[\ will be compliments on your newly Vacuum Plant, Novosibirsk, capital assholes Dynamo Moscow. You’re either pregnant, pregnant [^MT\MÅO]ZM of the Novosibirsk Oblast of They are cheating scoundrels! with Satan’s spawn, or possessed 3) Make Your Demon Work for Russia, can satisfy all desire of most Novosibirsk even have glorious by a demon. But just because your You cherished students from America! beaches on banks of river Ob. We eternal soul is headed down to hell Engaging in a battle of wills And this is not to mention that have average yearly temperature doesn’t mean you have to be down with a demon can be hard, so why Novosibirsk is largest city in all of 45° fahrenheit, very warm, in the dumps! Here are 4 ways to bother? Let the demon worry about of Siberia. It so large that there yes comrade? Listen, who need get the most out of your time in the the logistics of crawling across the is very unlikely possibility that Mexico? Why “fun in sun”? service of the Dark Prince: ceiling, eating bugs (pure protein!), explorations of surrounding area Choose Novosibirsk; it fun in 1) Travel and murdering the godly. It’ll free will result in boredom. Want have Russia! Here, we have car ready for Who has the time to learn new your mind to get some real thinking fun in city? You go to Novosibirsk you. It Chrysler 300—American languages? You don’t, and I don’t, done. Zoo! Want to get alcoholic Muscles as you say! 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Unsurprisingly, Sarah Palin is our current world champion. Bobsleigh – Just watch Cool Runnings. You’ll pick it up. +]ZTQVO·1N aW]¼^MM^MZ[_MX\\PMÆWWZWN aW]ZZWWUJMKI][MaW]PIL literally nothing better to do, you have a pretty good idea of what the sport of curling entails. Ice Hockey – Ice hockey is a game of three periods, and at the end, the Canadians win. Because they have grown up in a frozen wasteland. Luge – An excuse for lazy people to lie on a sled and go down a hill. Lindsey Vonn – Perhaps the best comparison to Vonn is a New York Knicks fan. She’s dating Tiger Woods, so like a Knicks fan, she knows what it’s like to love something whose best days are long behind them. LAST ANSWERS: GROSS, CABLE, ADVICE, TOUCAN WHY THE CHEAP CAMERA COULDN’T KEEP ITS NEW YEAR’S GOAL Nordic Combined – Scandinavia’s new name, changed by deed poll after Iceland complained. Editorial Board:.\OH+RIIHU5R[\&DUERQHOO0DWW/D9DQ6DP&RUWHV7RP +DQN&RUELQ)RXFDUW$PHOLD*UHHQÀHOG+HLGL0HVVLKD6WX0HOWRQ0DQXHOD Sochi – Host city of the Games. Surprisingly not what happens when you 5LFKWHU put the word ‘Stoli’ through spellcheck. 7KH6WDQIRUG)OLSVLGHLVDZHHNO\VDWLULFDOQHZVOHWWHU2XUVWRULHVDUHÀFWLRQDOEXW ZHPDNHMRNHVDERXWUHDOLVVXHV2XUJRDOLVQRWWRRIIHQG\RXEXWWRPDNH\RX White – The last name of one of the USA’s best medal hopes, super- ODXJKDQGWRUHIUDPHRXUZRUOGWRSRLQWRXWWKHDEVXUGLWLHV$Q\RQHLVIUHHWRMRLQ snowboarder Shaun. The color of snow. Also, the skin color of 99% of WKH)OLSVLGHDQGZHZRXOGORYHWRKDYH\RX:HPHHW7XHVGD\VDWSPLQ2OG competitors. 8QLRQWREUDLQVWRUP6XEPLWDUWLFOHVWRÁLSVLGHDUWLFOHV#JRRJOHJURXSVFRP.
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