Issue 591, 16 Jan 2004 THE INDEPENDENT CAMBRIDGE STUDENT NEWSPAPER www.varsity.co.uk

Cambridge Power100

of computing and security in an increas- The list was researched in a number of 47 percent of the total, women comprise Jo Hartley and Daud Khan ingly insecure world. ways, both through an open appeal to 23.4 percent of those. Varsity can today unveil the most From James Crawford, President of candidates and through investigation into This list reinforces Cambridge’s repu- powerful people in Cambridge. The International Law Commission, to the ‘al- the brightest and brightest stars in our tation as premier scientific institution, most talented, innovative and influ- most famous’ Sarah Solemani, a West End bubble. It was a project that began in with 20% of the list made up of scientists, ential people attached to the performer, the list comprises a cross sec- summer 2003, and has been constantly in with seven of these Nobel Laureates. University have been scouted out tion of fellows, academics and students, flux, with updates as to who was achiev- Student-wise, we have Entrepreneurs and are exposed in our exclusive all of whose credentials had to undergo ing what up to the moment we went to such as Azim Mumtaz, who is hoping to four page supplement. rigorous analysis in order to be kept on the press. As compilers of the list, we were secure easy to use solar energy systems for The internationally acclaimed Ross list. The list includes Nobel Laureates and keen to include a wide cross section, but third world countries. These could poten- Anderson sits at the top of the list. He is Fields Gold Medalists. Cambridge is there was no criteria or statistics to fill tially be used by any household to secure renowned for his work in international stuffed with people whose positions are other than needing to be powerful. This electricity and would alleviate the plight security systems covering a vast range internationally recognised even if their is a list that is subject to no quotas or ex- of millions of people. from banking and ATM security to pa- faces and names aren’t. Lord Wilson, who ternal agendas. This resulted in women With a host of talent such as this with- tient confidentiality and involvement ranks fourth place in the list, is former comprising just ten percent of the top in City’s boundaries, Cambridge cannot with nuclear weapons. The fact that head of the civil service and sits on the 20 positions and 15 percent of the whole fail to continue to attract the finest minds Anderson is top reflects the importance Board of BskyB. list. In terms of students, which comprise of the future.

The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News NEWS EDITORS: JONATHAN WOOD, BENJAMIN BLAND, LAURA-JANE FOLEY 02 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

What’s inside... News pg2 Going over the top-up Oxford don attacks Cambridge interviews, King’s rent strike Richard’s article, published on Cambridge’s proposals to introduce undiminished. He believes that Mr. ends and the attractions of lust Amol Rajan Tuesday, comes in the wake of a bursaries of £4,000 for students from Clarke’s ultimatum to Labour MPs Features pg6 Cambridge Vice-Chancellor: frenzied national debate over top-up poorer families will be unaffected by amounts to “emotional blackmail”. Clarke’s proposals are not enough fees. In a bid to appease Labour Mr Clarke’s changes. This could CUSU in conjunction with Pulling power - one man’s Alison Richard has said that the rebels, Charles Clarke last week mean students have up to £7,000 a Cambridge MP and top-up rebel mission to return to true government’s proposed Higher amended his initial proposals to year whilst at Cambridge, and no Anne Campbell have also launched romance Education Bill does not go far offer students from poorer families fees to pay before graduation. an on-line survey to find out what Comment pg7 enough in addressing the funding up to £3,000 a year, to cover the cost CUSU President Ben Brinded says students really think about fees. A look at animal rights and crisis of Britain’s Universities. of their higher education. that his opposition to top-up fees is See varsity.co.uk for the survey wrongs, and the capture of Writing in The Guardian, the Students from homes earning Saddam University’s Vice-Chancellor said under £15,000 a year will be given a chive that, “without a significant and £1,200 fees subsidy and a £1,500 pg8 rapid increase in our income, our means-tested grant from the govern- The Ordinary arsity Ar Your fun is their challenge position in the first rank of world ment for each year of their higher V universities will be in peril... teach- education. They will also be eligible ing is underfunded by at least £24m for annual £300 bursaries from their per annum”. universities. Student loans will rise Editorial pg10 Her comments reflect personal by £110. All outstanding debt shall Varsity’s view opinion rather than the university’s be written off after 25 years. official policy. Officially, the univer- The Education Secretary claims sity continues to believe that the that with these amendments no poor introduction of top-up fees will student would be worse off as a Interview pg12 deter students from poorer back- result of the Bill’s introduction. Robin Cook and his furry fer- grounds. Meanwhile, Varsity has learnt that ret POWER 100 pull out Bursaries assume Uni remains elitist The great and the good of Cambridge However, the university’s figures the extra funding that top-up fees the bursaries scheme, was disap- Tim Moreton assume that the undergraduate were meant to provide. pointed when Varsity approached A Varsity investigation has sug- body’s make-up remains as it is at Cambridge is unlikely to be able him with its analysis, but empha- Listings pull out gested that Cambridge present, where only 10% of stu- to sustain such a cost. Last year it sised the importance of mainte- Your four-page guide to what’s University’s scheme of mainte- dents’ parents earn less than made a loss of £4m and several of nance bursaries for poor students. on this week nance bursaries, will rapidly be- £15,000, the lowest proportion of its colleges are running annual He said: “This issue highlights that come unaffordable if it actually any university in the country except deficits of more than £1m. if the university is going to meet the Fashion pg13 succeeds in improving access. London. Its other options would be to requirements of the Office for Fair The scheme, predicated on the Cambridge’s bursary scheme will scale back the bursary scheme, or Access, and charge higher fees, it A guide to the best charity university charging the full £3,000 provide assistance to students with push the Government to increase needs to maintain its commitment shops in Cambridge fee, plans to provide annual grants parental incomes of up to £35,000 – tuition fees. Although Charles to widen participation.” of £4,000 to the poorest students, a group who make up a third of Clarke has ruled out any increase in Charging the full £3,000 top-up Travel pg14 with support on a sliding scale for Cambridge students but two-thirds this Parliament, fees of just over fee will give the university a signif- students with parental incomes less of undergraduates nationally. £4,000 would allow Cambridge to icant windfall for the first few Getting away from it all as than £35,000. Cambridge estimates If Cambridge’s intake became follow its original plan and receive years, but the bursaries’ financial Varsity uncovers the world’s that the cost will be around £8m per representative of the national stu- around £12m additional income continuation depends, perversely, hidden hotspots year, paid for out of the £20m addi- dent population, the bursaries after the cost of the bursaries. on Cambridge failing to reform its Arts pg15 tional income it stands to receive would cost the university more CUSU President Ben Brinded, image as an elitist institution. from top-up fees. than £17m per year – virtually all of who played a part in formulating Two fingers up to an OBE - Zephaniah and other ‘refuseniks’ Music pg16 Downing deny bullying The King’s Non-Mingle, musi- sions, the best known of which came accused her of “inflating her daugh- tence to be told she was wrong; cal resolutions for 2004 and a Archie Bland from Laura Spence. ter’s alleged experience into an Downing denies this. She also guide to student bands An Oxford University admissions Downing’s robust response, attack on the whole Cambridge sys- described her daughter watching Film pg17 tutor has claimed that her daugh- signed by the master, the senior tem of interviewing”. In a break while, in “a final humiliation”, “one ter was “bullied”and “intimidated” tutor, and the admissions tutor, from normal practice, the letter dis- interviewer cut short the other mid- The lowdown on College films in a Downing College interview. called Dr Chatty’s account of events cusses specific details of the inter- question to announce that he and ‘Lost in Translation’ But Downing is to hit back in a “thoroughly distorted,” “inexcus- view. Dr Chatty alleged that her thought that was enough and the strongly worded letter to the Times able,” and “disturbing”. They daughter had been cut off mid sen- interview was over.” Downing says Theatre pg18 Higher Education Supplement “neither interviewer recalls doing Brenton’s ‘Bloody Poetry’ at (THES) which has been shown to so”, but that if they did, it was to the ADC Varsity. “avoid disadvantaging the follow- Dr Dawn Chatty directs a masters ing candidate through a shortened course in the science of forced interview”. Sport pg20 migration. She told Varsity that her The authors also pointed out that Varsity Rugby reports. daughter had been left “distraught” both tutors present at the interview Fairbairns rowing, the Varsity by her interview, and added that had undergone training in the past ski trip and a Cuppers special neither Oxford nor Cambridge had year. But Richard Wakeford, who gone far enough in interview train- devises and organises Cambridge’s ing. She asserted that Cambridge’s interview training scheme, said that Got a story? current half day programme was the present training scheme is “quite Email [email protected] or ring “not sufficient”, and that the whole modest... As providers of training 01223 337575 if you have a story system needed to be “much more we should try and learn from all or meet us in The Bath House transparent”. incidents like this”. There is not yet (Hogshead) in Bene’t Street on Sunday at 7pm It is the latest in a series of such a central university policy on train- complaints about Oxbridge admis- Downing College ing for interviewers. EDITORS: JONATHAN WOOD, BENJAMIN BLAND AND LAURA-JANE FOLEY NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Jan 16, 2004 03 Court challenge to monkey labs

John Prescott in a statement issued at MP Anne Campbell that the possibli- Meanwhile, Cambridge police con- term caused widespread disruption Aisleigh Sawyer the end of November. Andrew Tyler, ty of animal rights protests means that tinue to “ask staff, students and resi- before it was confirmed as a hoax. Animal rights groups have director of Animal Aid, commented, they “anticipate that crime, disorder dents to remain vigilant and report any It came amid concerns that animal launched a High Court challenge “John Prescott has dismissed the well- and public safety issues will arise in suspicious incidents to the police”. rights group may try to disrupt the to the the University’s £32m pri- founded case of his own inspector... so relation to the Research Centre.” • A bomb threat at the end of last university. mate research laboratory propos- this challenge has a solid base in However, they also state that they als, which will use tests on mon- morality, science and the democratic will work to “ensure the right to peace- keys in research on Alzheimer’s, process”. The appeal describes the ful protest is upheld”, demonstrated Parkinson’s and other diseases. minister’s action as “perverse and un- last Saturday when protesters took to Lawyers for Animal Aid and the reasonable” and based on minimal fact the streets of Cambridge once again. Rachel Mundy National Anti-Vivisection Society have and flawed information. Organized by SPEAC (Stop Primate lodged an official appeal against John The groups also accuse the prime Experiments at Cambridge), the Prescott’s approval of the project minister and the science minister, Lord protest was the first since the labora- drawn up by the University. Norna Sainsbury, of prejudicing the outcome tory was given the go-ahead on Hughes of Nabarro Nathanson, solic- of the inquiry by speaking publicly in November 21. Robert Cogswell, a itors for Animal Aid and the NAVS ar- favour of the labs while the question spokesman for the group, said that gued, “The intervention in this case by was under official review. The two 2004 will be a “crucial year in the the prime minister and the DTI min- groups believe that the decision to SPEAC campaign’s battle to deliver a ister amounts to an abuse of the plan- grant permission for the monkey lab decisive blow [to]... plans to make ning process” pointing out the pro- was a forgone conclusion. They fur- Cambridge the primate vivisection posals had previously been turned ther claim that the denial of informa- capital of Europe”. down by the local planning authority tion to the objectors during the inquiry He added: “Plans are already in and a government inspector. constitutes interference under the place to implement measures that will Government inspector, Stuart Human Rights Act. significantly reduce the effective work- Nixon had ruled that the University South Cambridgeshire district ing of the university… should had failed to show that there was a na- council also continue to oppose the Cambridge University fail to heed the tional need for the work due to be labs, as do Cambridge police. Chief democratic process and scrap their done in the labs. He was overruled by Superintendent Rob Needle informed plans for this primate centre”. Protestors from SPEAC in Cambridge last Saturday £400k deal for first year novelist OBE (hons.) Cantab

her A level exams, and as soon as until the contract was signed and I Oyeyemi, who already shares Benjamin Bland Matthew Bennett and Abby O’Reilly Bloomsbury, the publishers behind don’t think they knew that I basi- the same publisher and accountant One of Cambridge’s rising lit- Harry Potter, read the manuscript cally put my homework on hold for as Rowling, says that she would be Amid cries of ‘snobbery’, this erary stars, Helen Oyeyemi, has they offered her the contract, which 3 months. In fact, they only got to happy working as a literary agent New Year’s Honours list again signed a lucrative two-book deal will put her among Britain’s high- read the book this week”. or in publishing. rewarded many members of worth almost £400,000. est-paid novelists. The 18-year-old Nigerian-born The Times newspaper reported Britain’s elite including many Oyeyemi finished writing her “But,” she says “my parents did- author’s inspiration for her first that Oyeyemi had received an ad- Cambridge dons. first book The Icarus Girl between n’t know I was writing the book book came from a short story she vance of £400,000 prior to com- The University, which does not wrote: “I read it back and thought pleting the second book, but she openly nominate academics for ‘yay! this is the best thing that I’ve tells Varsity that this was an exag- honours, was “delighted” at the ever written.’“ Her book tells the geration. “It wasn’t quite £400,000 recognition of the dons rewarded story of a girl who visits Nigeria and although I can’t really com- in this year’s honours list for their where she meets a friend that only ment, I will say that I did receive a academic achievements and pub- she can see. very generous advance fee.” lic service. An agent rapidly snapped her While ‘The Icarus Girl’ will not Professor Bob Hepple, QC, up and she is now penning her sec- be available in bookshops until ear- Emeritus Professor of Law and a for- ond book, provisionally titled ly 2005, those who are keen to see mer Master of Clare is to be knighted. ‘Peaces’. Oyeyemi’s work can see her debut The Master of Sidney Sussex and A first-year SPS student at play at the Corpus Playroom early Director of the Judge Institute, Corpus Christi, Oyeyemi has next term. ‘Juniper’s Whitening’ is Professor Sandra Dawson was made found herself swept up in a whirl- a 3-person play dealing with claus- a Dame. wind of publicity, yet she has not trophobia, paranoia and anxiety – Professor Margaret Stanley, a fel- let it go to her head: “In an ideal the perfect script for exam term. low at Christ’s and head of the world, of course I’d love to be a Oyeyemi is shortly launching a lit- Stanley group which conducts re- full-time writer but it’s difficult erary journal, ‘Inward I’, along with search into cervical cancer, was ap- to make a living out of it. To do that two other undergraduates. They are on pointed OBE. you need to have the talents of J K the lookout for essays and short stories Professor Alan Dashwood has Rowling and plenty of luck”. for inclusion by week 3. been created CBE for his contribution to European Law and for his work on FROM “THE ICARUS GIRL” the European Union’s Convention. In recognition of over thirty years ‘When Jess came out of the basement, she didn’t cry. She had no tear-marks of work at Homerton, Emeritus on her face, and was completely dry-eyed. She was all right.When she looked Professor John Murrell, has been ap- up at Sarah, she felt slightly bemused, without knowing why. It was a feeling of pointed MBE. using borrowed eyes that she would soon have to return – her mother looked pret- Professor David Farrington and tier,and more distinct.There was beauty in the unravelling wool coming from the Dr. Marjorie Chibnall have also been shoulder of her grey jumper.She tried to step back and look some more,but Sarah appointed the OBE. immediately caught her up in a hug.“Are you okay, Jess? Yeah? I’m sorry that I Amidst the spate of awards and had to do that, okay?”Jess stood stiffly for a few moments in Sarah’s embrace, honours to Cambridge dons there then her arms timidly crept around her mother.She was looking at her father over was also the rumour that one of the Sarah’s shoulder,and his encouraging smile in her direction was returned with a dons who was offered an honour slightly solemn one.’ was a refusenik. The University

Bloomsbury publishing was however, unable to comment. NEWS EDITORS: JONATHAN WOOD, BENJAMIN BLAND AND LAURA-JANE FOLEY 04 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

NEWS IN BRIEF Gardies lease terminated

to a “legal technicality”. sation, roughly equivalent to one university”, he said. Lecturers strike Bryan Coll The letter was written in detailed year’s rent. The Gardenia, however, Although strongly supported by Last Tuesday, the Association The moment that Vas Anstasiou legal language and was accompanied denies any knowledge of this. his loyal customers, both students and of University Teachers opened and thousands of Cambridge stu- by a simple photocopy of the Landlord The whole debacle has left Mr townspeople, Mr Anstasiou finds it a month-long ballot among its dents had been dreading has finally and Tenants Act. Mr Anstasiou now Anstasiou feeling frustrated and dis- difficult to work, knowing that the clo- members on whether to take arrived. Just one week before has a period of one month in which to illusioned. “I did not expect this kind sure of this favourite Cambridge in- strike action against proposed Christmas, Gardies received a let- challenge Caius in court. However, he of behaviour from such a prestigious stitution is looming overhead. changes to pay structure. If ter confirming the termination of insisted, “It is against my family val- the motion is passed, a num- its lease.This may well be the final ues to go to court. All I want to do is to ber of lecturers and academic chapter in the Gardies story - a talk face to face with the bursar .” staff at Cambridge would be saga that has captivated Cambridge Mr Anstasiou claims that he has involved, and the move would students and had alumni from constantly been refused meetings by cause widespread chaos. A across the world up in arms. the Caius bursar Barry Hedley. result is expected in early The letter was a crushing blow to However, Mr Hedley claimed to have February. Mr Anstasiou who believes that its had several meetings with Mr timing was malicious. He described Anstasiou and to have considered his Seeing triple the decision to deliver the letter a week position at length. before Christmas as a “heartless one”. One particularly thorny area is the A set of triplets have, for the Caius and property agent Bidwells matter of financial compensation. In first time, been offered places first informed The Gardenia of their statements released by the bursary and to study at Cambridge. Lil, intention to terminate the property’s in conversation with Varsity, Mr lease back in September. They claimed Hedley stated that The Gardenia Helen and Kate Armstrong, Gardies staff hard at work until the end 18 from Truro, Cornwall the late arrival of the letters was due would receive “substantial” compen- received conditional offers from Selwyn, Corpus Christi and Trinity Hall.The sisters say it was a coincidence they all applied to Cambridge. Victory declared by rent strikers

representatives presented a paper backgrounds from applying to ally good deal now.” Chlamydia Test Nabila Saddiq prepared by the rent-strike co-or- King’s. As such, The KCSU had stat- Although the news has been Students at King’s College be- dinating committee, to the College ed that national press coverage welcomed by students, the final After five years and £3m gin the term with more pennies Council, which accepted most of its would be used responsibly. agreement seemed a far cry from pounds of research, a team in the piggy bank after the col- recommendations. However, despite this the strike still the initial KCSU demands. These from Cambridge has created lege agreed to revise its rent pol- KCSU co-coordinator Stacy generated coverage in the BBC and included abolishing KFC, a state- a cheap and efficient test for icy in line with student de- Gregg stated that the “KCSU has in national newspapers. ment of the colleges’ opposition diagnosing Chlamydia. mands. succeeded in what it set out to do, Senior Tutor Dr J A Laidlaw point- to top up fees and inflation-only Research leader, Dr Helen The King’s rent strike which be- and on the whole has behaved effi- ed out that King’s students still paid rent rises for 2004-05. Nevertheless, Lee, says, “Chlamydia is a gan on the 22nd October last year, ciently, democratically and with in- less than students at other univer- Donachy maintained that the col- major problem in the west as with support from the King’s tegrity”. She confirmed that all of sities and proposed rent increase lege bill will lessen for current first well as the developing world” College Student Union as well as the 90 or so strikers had paid their which would allow the college to in- years, by the time they are in their and hopes that the instant CUSU, reached its conclusion on bills and no one intended to con- crease its revenues 6.5% above in- third year. She also commended the 50p test will mean that less the 28th November. The College tinue striking. flation, every year until 2007/08. fellows of Kings College for having women who contract the dis- Council finally acceded to the stu- One of the main objectives of di- Sarah Donachy, last terms KCSU “taken a radical and appreciated ease will become infertile. dent demands to temper rent in- rect action had been to oppose fur- co-ordinator remarked, “I am real- step towards making Cambridge creases which had been estimated ther rent increases which may deter ly proud of our achievements last affordable for all who meritocrati- Yorkshire bombed at 27% since 1999. Undergraduate able candidates from disadvantaged term, and I know that we have a re- cally deserve a place”.

Cambridge Students Against the War have voiced their criticism over an incident involving a US Air Force Prof argues ‘Trust in lust’ Fighter Jet accidentally drop- ping a bomb over Yorkshire. relevance of the seven deadly sins es when unencumbered by bad phi- of the deserts”, Christian thinkers Jonathan Wood The plane, based at RAF to the twenty-first century. losophy and ideology… which pre- such as St. Augustine, St. Jerome, and Lakenheath, was on a train- Picking up in Cindy’s or getting Professor Blackburn spent three vent its freedom of flow”. St. Thomas Aquinas, who are to be ing mission when the bombing your end away in freshers’ week months thinking about lust before Pope Gregory the Great drew up blame for the creation of a moral occurred on January 8. needn’t be something to feel deciding to back its rehabilitation the original list of seven deadly sins atmosphere in which people auto- guilty about for much longer if and carefully defining it as “the en- in the sixth century, identifying lust, matically feel guilty for wanting sex. HIV Burglary a Cambridge academic has his thusiastic desire for sexual activity anger, pride, envy, sloth, gluttony Edwina Currie, the former wicked way. and its pleasures for its own sake”. and greed as the list of those sins that Conservative minister who enjoyed Lust it seems really is a good If reciprocated, he argues, then lust were fatal to spiritual progress. an affair with John Major, the former A drug addict who broke into thing according to a professor’s new leads to pleasure and “best flourish- For Blackburn it is the “old men prime minister, was quoted in the Jesus College accommodation appraisal of the deadly sin. Sexual Sunday Times as welcoming and threatened a student with desire is, apparently, a life-affirming Professor Blackburn’s views, “Oh what he claimed was an HIV virtue and should no longer be yes, I’m all in favour of lust. I’m not infected needle last year has thought of as a vice. sure it’s a vice - it’s a natural part of been sentenced to six years in Professor Simon Blackburn, a fel- healthy human life,” she said. jail. The burglary occurred in low at Trinity College and author of OUP has commissioned seven May 2003, when Matthew the popular philosophy best seller writers to analyse each of the dead- Scarisbrick, a Jesus student, Think, is attempting to “rescue” lust, ly sins. Francine Prose, a scholar who was in his flat on Jesus Lane. arguing that it has been wrongly con- has written on gluttony, believes we th At the hearing on 15 demned for centuries. Sex is fun, he should be more relaxed about what December the drug addict argues, and needs to be “reclaimed we eat. The American playwright, claimed he was sorry for his for humanity”. He is writing as part Wendy Wasserstein, believes sloth behaviour. RM of an Oxford University Press, OUP, should be encouraged on account of publishing project to determine the our increasingly busy lives.

FEATURES EDITOR:AMOL RAJAN 06 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk A big push to stop pulling, please Ben Hadley asks for a return to the days of true romance Friday night is drawing nigh. All difficult to put one’s finger on what across Britain eager youths shiv- exactly is so attractive about the in- er with anticipation at the stitution of ‘pulling’. thought of finding a member of The act itself cannot be said to the opposite sex intoxicated be particularly pleasant. Don’t get Pavla Kopecna enough to willingly exchange me wrong, I’m all for a passionate saliva with them. embrace, but some random person The girls (it is difficult to call them slobbering all over my face isn’t ex- ‘women’) don their shortest skirt and actly my idea of a good time.Maybe highest heels and plaster several I’m doing something wrong, but inches of makeup to their faces. The walking into a club and having some boys (it is even more difficult to call trollish troglodyte come up to me to them ‘men’), worried that a collapse try to stick her tongue down my of the deodorant industry might throat is more frightening than any- lead, in a butterfly-effect-like fash- thing else. If pulling were a neces- ion, to global economic recession, sary evil that you had to go through spray themselves till they are drip- in the process of getting someone to ping with virility. sleep with you, the whole thing Without further ado, all spread might be understandable, but this their wings and take off in the di- simply isn’t the case. rection of the nearest club, hopeful People go out to pull without any that they might later take off their intention of sleeping with the clothes and be spreading their thighs “pullee”, but see pulling as some- it during the pull that turns them on. you! You managed to pull!”, or mance in pulling? Lust and passion in the direction of whoever it is they thing exciting in itself. This is what In fact, I cannot see why anyone something to that effect. What we seem to have been thrown aside to might have enticed / drugged / is most puzzling. What do they find would want to be groped and get out of pulling is the psychologi- make space for dribbling and alco- dragged home (delete as appropri- attractive about pulling itself? Surely rubbed against by dribbling, sweaty cal comfort of knowing that we are hol-induced impotence. ate). For what could be more pleas- it can’t be the prospect of finding di- stranger who, in any normal state of not poor sad bastards who aren’t I therefore call for a casting away ant to the senses and stimulating to gested and regurgitated morsels soberness, they wouldn’t go near. even able to pull. I see no other ex- of these barbaric pulling ways and a the mind than an evening of tonguey lurking in the dark recesses of the The sad truth is that the only real planation. We should be holding in return to the ardour and intensity delights? It seems to be the general pullee’s mouth. pleasure in pulling is being able to greater contempt the “pullers” than that we all deserve. consensus that there is little that Nor can it be the (very real) pos- say to oneself “Yeah baby! Yeah! those whom everybody finds too re- Signed, a poor frustrated sod who could rival such a prospect, yet it is sibility of getting sprayed with vom- You’re so groovy, you sexy beast, pulsive to pull. Where is the ro- can’t find anyone to pull.

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EDITOR:ARCHIE BLAND COMMENT & ANALYSIS www.varsity.co.uk Jan 16, 2004 07 Simon SPEAC protesters can’t see Maybin the wood for the trees

As a leftwing student at King’s, I “Can I ask where you’re going?” I protest, as so many ‘liberal’ causes adopting such an aggressive ap- ‘part of their brains sucked out’ seems know what it’s like to be pigeon- said to one, perfectly politely. He sadly often are. proach wins you no friends. to be a curious argument – it’s clear that holed, and I’ve learned to take ignored me. When I repeated my When I was handed a flyer, one Their flyers are little better. no-one would support such unneces- care in the way I present my ar- question his friend replied on his be- of the protesters said to me aggres- Covering one side of a leaflet in high- sary behaviour, whether or not they guments; I know too many peo- half: “He can do whatever he wants.” sively, “Read it – you might learn ly emotive photographs of babyish were in favour of primate research. ple who are ignored not because The group proceeded to trespass in something,” the implication being monkeys being strangled or with Personally I’m undecided on the they aren’t making persuasive private halls of residence and to fly- that the kind of monkey-killing metal clamps on their heads might substantive issues at stake here, but and well-founded points, but be- er the whole building, activating the propaganda I am no doubt being grab your attention, but there’s no sadly that hasn’t stopped me feeling cause of the way they choose to fire alarm as they left. fed on my law course isn’t worth accompanying text to suggest that opposition to the campaigners. But make them. This is an under- To be honest, my initial response the tuition fee. this is what may or will be happen- by SPEAC’s own admission, it is the standing the people at ‘Stop to seeing protesters in King’s is to Even when SPEAC try to be a bit ing in Cambridge. government who will be making the Primate Experiments At think, “Hey, wait a minute! We’re more focused in their protests, shout- On the other side, you’re given a ultimate decision as to whether the Cambridge’ (SPEAC) have patent- lefties too. You’ve got the wrong ing abuse at academics, they seem to hint of what may be some quite com- centre goes ahead, so shouldn’t they ly failed to develop. people!” And this is part of the prob- get it embarrassingly wrong. One pelling arguments, but boasting that be the focus of SPEAC’s attentions, Last Saturday afternoon I was in lem for SPEAC. What could be a lecturer who was on the receiving ‘even the police’ have opposed the new rather than lefty students? And if King’s when a SPEAC delegation well-directed campaign aimed at end of a volleyof abuse last term is in research centre (surely nothing but they speak up and make their argu- strode purposefully through the bar those who are really responsible fact involved in primate conserva- their own doing) doesn’t do them any ments heard in a reasonable way, and headed for the student rooms for primate experiments in tion, but then they wouldn’t want to favours, and a later mention of breach- they might find a lot of members above. A friend and I approached Cambridge is instead turned into a let a small matter like that get in the es of Home Office regulations de- of this university working with them and were passed flyers. generalised anti-establishment way of their aims. The fact is that scribing Marmosets left overnight with them, not against them.

The oral inspection wasn’t just an epoch defining image, says Amol Dental Rajan: it was quite funny, too Saddam

Almost immediately after The ‘oral hygienist’, as he has come dentist is at us, all humanity, in- news conference, and the sight of a hinted at a genuine desire for the man September 11th 2001 George W. to be known, simultaneously check- cluding Saddam, has nowt to do but bearded Santaddam (ho ho ho), sud- to look presentable. He was going Bush decided he had no choice ing for gum infections, functioning look skyward and await the verdict. denly there was an abrupt change, out all over the US, after all. but to invade Iraq. To convince incisors, and taking a DNA sample, The great oppressor looked like a si- and the next image showed he’d The consequences of Saddam’s the international community of will resurface regularly in the annals lenced lamb. been given a shave. Not so much capture will be felt most strongly in the necessity of this was to be the of history. His inspection implied bizarre as, well, hilarious. The the US. Bush is all but guaranteed great challenge of his first term humanity: ‘we’ve fought a war to If Bush had American’s wage a full-scale inva- re-election this year against a divid- in office. Bush comprehensive- find you, but we need to check your listened to sion of a country to oust a dictator, ed Democrat party. The measure ly failed in this task. As Robin teeth. Colgate please, Colonel.’ All protesters... spend months on his trail, invest bil- of his first term is this: his critics have Cook said in his resignation the while the tyrant’s upturned face lions of dollars and political capital stopped labelling him dumb, and are speech,“History will be aston- resembled a toddler on his first trip Saddam would still in his pursuit and then, when he’s fi- now labelling him dangerous. Like ished at the diplomatic miscal- to the dentist. No scriptwriter could be running Iraq nally found in a hobbit-hole, decide Clinton and Reagan before him, culations that led so quickly to have conjured an image as succinct he looks a bit rough. So they give Bush will become more hardline in the disintegration of a powerful or as skilful in capturing the hu- Thirdly, most subtle, and least dis- him a spot of dental floss and a Mach- his second term, knowing it’s his last. [post 9/11] coalition”. manity of a beast or the reduction to cussed, the disappeared beard. As 3. Though principally a means of Opposition to his policies will there- The task of sustaining that coali- subservience of a despot. The glory we were getting used to the images confirming his identity, the US poli- fore increase, and in 2008 the 50-50 tion would have been much simpler of the footage was this: when the that Paul Bremer displayed at his cy of shave first, interrogate second, nation may finally decide it’s had had Bush known, back then, that the enough. Al Gore and Hilary Clinton invasion would have a very funny will re-emerge only then. ending. He could not have known All those who opposed the war the comedy value that a dictator’s are now faced with a difficult and capture could provide. In retrospect, valid proposition: If Blair and Bush imagenet.co.uk he ought to have promised his fel- had listened to the anti-war protest- low statesmen what, back then, he ers, and adopted a policy of non-in- did not know he would deliver: tervention, Saddam would still be History’s Greatest Puppet Show, running Iraq. The case against war starring Saddam Hussein. was strong, but the international Left There are three aspects of the cap- have been hushed by Saddam’s cap- ture and subsequent treatment of ture. Now, facing 5 more years of Saddam that are particularly hilari- Bush, they need to re-assert them- ous. Firstly, the ignominy of his fi- selves. Failure to do so would sug- nal abode, compared to the presi- gest capitulation. dential palaces he always lived in. A With Saddam’s capture hole with little natural light or fresh America’s leaders and people have air – underground, squalid, claus- become convinced that their global trophobic, and crucially, inside Iraq. project is succeeding. Well might That final point indicates his fear of it be, and, in the short-term, attempting to breach American bor- American unilateralism will con- der security forces. He was too tinue. America’s greatest culpabili- scared to move. ty is her ignorance; her greatest Secondly, the dental inspection. strength lies in not knowing it.

Rajan, Rajan, he’s your man: [email protected]

THE ORDINARY EDITORS:WILL MOTT AND MARTIN HEMMING 08 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk The ISSUE TEN: See you next week, Ed? No? You f***ing what?

BYE! rdinaryIF YOU DON’T KNOW US BY NOW, YOU WILL NEVER EVER KNOW US You loved it. O COLLEGE New list: SHORTS PEEPING DAVE From the Dean: The College maga- zine, Banter, has been shut down af- who win? ter the pornography page received complaints. I for one certainly don’t Ordinary editors take top honour in ‘Poo 100’ remember being able to reach that win- Pooper Scooper do despite them trying so hard that they dow of the girls changing rooms with Harold Roasting nearly popped a bollock.” my camera. Dismissed. Martin and Will were said to be “some- Martin and Will the “Are they? where near the moon” on hearing the SWINDLE Aren’t they?” editors of the Varsity news, which is more than we can say for ‘satire’ page The Ordinary have been that Jeremy Beadle 2 thing.And,look,here voted joint number one in the latest they come now:“Yes,we’re always hap- arbitrary and pointless poll aimed py to win things,” said Martin and Will at at showing who’s the best at some- exactly the same time in a spooky stereo thing. sound effect.“Obviously it’s not some- The Poo 100, which was set up by thing that we’re very used to because someone, has been described as the we’re quite shit at almost everything.” Remember, kicking worms is against much of RSPCA policy. Gramps’ll tell you “probably definitive” list of the 100 peo- Runners-up include the lead goblin Easter Past. 5. Ronojoy Dam – so cool,so poo ple in Cambridge most likely to do naff all in CITV’s classic series Knightmare (Caius), Will and Martin are due to be married 6. Colonel Mustard – he did it! He must with their lives. one postgraduate Chuckle brother and in the spring. have done it! Damn. A highly democratic system of self- Willy Wonka.Competition was so fierce 7. Ronojoy Dam – love you man Erotic novels and hardcore promotion and Pokémon card exchange and Martin and Will can be considered THAT LIST IN FULL 8. The Inventors of the Power 100 – From the librarian: The library has and was used to identify the victors. very lucky to top a list that won’t have any 1. Martin and Will – so poo it hurts where were we? gone missing again. If you’re going to The chair of the judges (who can’t be consequence anywhere. 2. Stuart Jefford – that guy from your 9. Ellen E. Jones – this deputy editor borrow it make sure you scan it out identified because he doesn’t have a name) Martin was born Martin to parents staircase with the growth claims shes “proper fit,” but look at her with your card. I’m at my chuff’s end praised Will and Martin for their “com- in a hospital in a Home County in the 3. Rt.Hon.Prof.J.K.Figg-roll – your new doggyface.[Piss off Martin,we’ve all seen with you lot. plete lack of anything going for them,” their 1980s. Little is known about ‘Will’,with book is baaad your filthy rash - Ellen] “disadvantaging physical appearance” and some even speculating that he may be 4. Ronojoy Dam – look at him,just look 10. Oh who cares… LAPTOP THIEF their “complete failure at everything they some kind of fungus or the Ghost of at him From the Head Porter: Ladies and gentleman: We got ’im! Win fun! ? A puzzle for you: My first is in ‘crotch’ Yes, it’s competition time with COMMENT but not in your ‘pants’, my second is the ever-generous Ordinary Pies, chicken nuggets,Werther’s Originals.They’re all legal in sport. Drugs aren’t in ‘retardent’ but not in ‘Northants’! And my third is in ‘virgin’ cos thats Ouch! Man With Views and Nigel Short. In the past everybody in a bid to raise the profile of my pre- what you should be. But what am I? Stu The Fox used to cheat with a smile on their face, ferred sport – granny bashing. That’s right! The Rev. Please come to now it’s all serious – as if winning really Unfortunately the granny I’d brought Chapel. Thanks, Roy xx. If Danny really was Champion of is that important.Which of course it is. along with me stopped breathing on the the World do you think he took I had a £300 bet on Liverpool beating train down so I had to give my spare tick- nandrolone? That was the question Yeovil 2-0, so imagine my delight when et to Jonny Wilkinson who was hanging on everybody’s dirty lips as it was Kewell took that tumble.The distraught around outside.I didn’t win – I didn’t ex- revealed last week that another faces of the Yeovil team as they knew pect to – but it made them think. top sportsman in the UK has been that they’d now go home penniless,with Sports great though isn’t it? Seriously, putting more than a straw into his houses repossessed and wives leaving isn’t it? Quick injection in the toilets with Robinson’s squash. them were just an unexpected bonus. the lads then all that running,all that ban- Crunch! Come and touch these men These days I daren’t even watch the Hopefully their new ground will soon ter,sometimes you get the ball, some- MEET WILL AND MARTIN… darts in case one of them is under the burn down. times you don’t,someone gets serious- …and get a free signature! influence.Next they’ll be telling me Atlas So, in a bid to clean up the image of ly injured, getting naked afterwards, Yes,it’s like Christmas come a month was on performance enhancing British sport,I entered myself for Sports drink! drink! drink! Take squash for ex- late.Martin and Will,your favourite Ord drugs…after all, the sky ain’t light fella. Personality of the Year.Under a strict ample – find yourself a mate,a racquet, That move hasn’t been used for time editors, will be drinking and smiling in Sport in the UK has gone downhill diet and drugs regime I turned up at BBC a ball and a court and you’ve got a game CHESS CLUB The Cow from 8pm next Thursday since the halcyon days of Jeremy Goss Television Centre mashed out of my tree on your hands.Match point! Deep heat! Someone wants to start a chess club. (22nd Jan). For every drink you buy Deep heat! Classic times. In no other Boring. them Martin and Will will sign anything country is that possible, except maybe you want with any message (max 7 Wales. TAKE HIM TO THE BRINK words) and may even talk to you.Don’t Sport was primarily invented by the Pipes and wands for sale. Contact miss out on this rare opportunity to Americans, that’s why they’re so good Keith. meet two men at the peak of their at it,but us Brits are slowly catching up. physical shape and popularity.It could And with some more carefully-placed THEN PULL HIM BACK be the last chance you get.The referee cheating, we’ll soon get there.Anyone College burnt down last weekend has to stop play if there’s a head injury. Are those really your vitamin pills, buster? Unlikely, you low-life drugs cheat for tennis? which is mildly irritating. Young? Join our natty new grooming service. Email: [email protected] Get the Lowdown on the Law

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EDITORIAL EDITOR:TOM EBBUTT 10 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

The Cambridge Power 100 Everyone will know someone who they think should have been in the Cambridge Power 100 that resides in the centre of your Varsity this week. Some people will certainly say that this Nobel prize winner should be higher, as should that Fields medallist, and what’s that stu- dent doing in there when my mate, who did his gap year as President of Mongolia and is presently restructuring the debt of three African nations as well as doing second year physics, isn’t.

To an extent that is the point. We aim to get people talking, looking at the people around them, looking at the potential they have and the diversity we can all see in this exceptional town. There is no way we could find every brillian person who is member of this university and that, perhaps, is the most amazing thing.

The Cambridge Power 100 is Varsity’s attempt to shed some light on the movers and shakers within Cambridge, those who are immensely influential in the out- side world and those who look like they might be going somewhere in the fu- ture. There is no way we can produce a definitive list, we’ve undoubtedly missed some potential stars of the future but hopefully not too many that shine bright- ly right now. But with the hours of research that have gone into this, with Jo Hartley and Daud Khan working hard to make sure the list is as accurate as pos- sible, you can rest assured this is one of the most comprehensive surveys of the stars and future stars of Cambridge ever compiled.

If you do have a stint as President of Mongolia on your CV we apologise for overlooking you and hope that, as compensation, you get that strategy con- sulting job you’re after. If you don’t, please look though, debate where you think we’ve gone wrong and celebrate the amazing range of talent and diversity we have around us. This is a certainly a university that should be treasured by Britain, by the world and by all of us.

Interview training is key Editor Tom Ebbutt Another year, another failed interview candidate kicking up a fuss. [email protected] But this year’s contender has rather more credibility for the com- The week Online Editor plainant, speaking on behalf of her daughter, is an admissions Tim Moreton tutor at Oxford, and rather better informed about what is and isn’t [email protected] appropriate than the average applicant’s mother. in words Chief News Editor Reggie Vettasseri The details of what happened in the interview are impossible for anyone "If we had to pay £3,000 fees for all three of them, it would cruci- [email protected] who was not present to hold an opinion on, and it has become a matter of fy us. We just couldn't do it.” Business Manager her word against theirs, which is of little wider significance. But some im- Sam Gallagher portant questions arise from this case. Is Cambridge’s interviewer training Tim Armstrong, father of the triplets offered places at Cambridge [email protected] scheme sufficient? How can serious complaints like this be reasonably ar- “I am clear that without a significant and rapid increase in our Technical Director bitrated when no-one of a neutral standpoint is present? income, our position in the first rank of world universities will be in Tim Harris peril. I didn't return to Cambridge to witness its decline and we will Photos Editor We must beware, as Downing’s letter to the Times Higher Education not allow it to happen.” Pavla Kopecna Supplement points out, of extrapolating from one case to judge the whole [email protected] admissions philosophy. But it is telling that Downing defend their inter- Alison Richard hopes top-up fees will top up her income Production Managers viewers by pointing out they had both been trained in the previous year. Matthew Jaffe When the very man responsible for the university’s training says it is in- “Other Simon Blackburns are either elsewhere in cyberspace, or Jun Jhen Lew sufficient, one wonders if, rather than a defence of the interviewers, this is nowhere in cyberspace, although presumably somewhere in ordinary [email protected] an indictment of an undernourished system. space.” Design Manager The Professor of Lust gets deeply philosophical Tom Walters Too many interviewers are untrained. To attend a single morning’s seminar [email protected] – which is absurdly limited anyway – does not mean selling your soul, and “I was lucky, very lucky indeed, to have the opportunity to go from Page Setters the university ought have no truck with dons who behave as if this is the my Welsh grammar school to Cambridge University. I was the first in Thanks to the whole team case. Whilst college autonomy is in most matters a real strength of the my family to go to university.” Chief Subeditors Cambridge system, in this case there is too much at stake to let the churlish Rebecca Willis whims of an individual academic devalue a useful tool. The best and the Michael Howard once again uses his ‘humble’ roots to score politi- Sarah Horner brightest must not slip through the net because they are bullied. cal points [email protected] “We’ve met Paul Lewis. Three times.” Editorial Cartoonist CUSU top-up consultation Andrew James The Ordinary’s reason for thinking they should feature in the This week Anne Campbell MP, in conjunction with CUSU, will be Power 100. And how right they were. If you would like to contribute to Varsity launching a consultation exercise aiming to find out what the real please e-mail the relevant section editor . views of students are on the Government’s Higher Education bill.This “Peasants were cartwheeling dead out of the sky.” is a valuable exercise in participative democracy, and we encourage all Cambridge students to take part, but be wary. The Chancellor, Prince Philip, goes out to hunt again 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge, CB2 1QA

Our MP is feeling the pressure. The Education Secretary and Prime Minister are “ A strike at Gardies is a strike at the heart.” Varsity is published by Varsity Publications bullying the ‘rebel’ MPs – Campbell among them – into choosing between what Ltd and printed by Cambridge Evening One inconsolable student laments the possible loss of Cambridge’s stands and what the government have proposed. They say the package must News. All copyright is the exclusive prop- finest eating establishment be taken as a whole. But the issue is whether it is better than the alternatives, erty of Varsity Publications Ltd. No part of this publication may be reproduced, and that is the question that has been continually avoided by Blair. Yet his head- “I think one editorship is enough” stored in a retrieval system or transmitted strong executive are still trying to push it through, calling the Labour party’s Tom Ebbutt signs off on his last issue bluff by threatening their re-election. But Anne can vote “no” without endan- in any form or by any means, without the gering the party or universities. Think carefully about the alternatives. prior permission of the publisher.

EDITOR:TOM EBBUTT EDITORIAL www.varsity.co.uk Jan 16, 2004 11

Tom The true meaning of Lane Christmassacre

The big hoo-ha this winterval (oth- peace on earth and goodwill to all men. producers steer clear of the idea of a ular pyrotechnics of bin Laden’s PR be a Marxist to see that the vacuity of er than the Americans catching If the religious element is included at similar documentary based on, say, efforts, they will eventually triumph. spiritualism is caused by capital- Father Christmas down a spider- all, it’s either tucked away around the life of Mohammed, not just out of In fact, they may already be win- ism, in one of its unappreciated glo- hole) was over Tessa Jowell’s cul- midnight when everyone’s too pissed political correctness, but from the fear ning. September 11th can quite easi- ries, as it seeks to expand the num- turally sensitive Christmas cards, to watch, or is raised up only to be that somewhere out there the learned ly be seen, as Milton might say, as bers involved in orgiastic spending which featured no discernable re- bashed down, as in the BBC’s 2002 Ayatollah Jihad Al Fatwa would be ‘argument of human weakness rather by reducing the reasons for not cele- ligious imagery whatsoever. documentary on how Jesus was real- passing out death sentences with a than of strength’. Threatened by the brating the occasion. Similarly, Daily Mail readers across ly a Roman soldier’s bastard. gusto that makes George Bush’s Texas inevitable success of Western secular- Christmas is the western Jihad. the country went ballistic when The reaction was deafening in its si- look like Shangri-la. ism, the tremulous fundamentalists While more progressive types, like they read that Oxfam had banned lence. I didn’t hear of one recorded It is Muslim moderates more than can only react with a show of force – the Lib Dem Shadow Defence cards with Christian symbols. complaint. This is the extent to which anybody who find this pussy-footing destructive certainly, but insufficient Secretary, quite correctly call for hos- ‘Christmas’, mumbled the hit film the modern era has defused offensive and even harmful to Islam’s to stem the tides that flow against tile, deprived areas to be ‘bombed Love Actually as it searched for a Christianity: you can have a nation- world image. Their retaliation against them. They cannot move the battle to with food and aid’, I’d add to that ar- redemptive yet inoffensive mes- wide show attacking the main tenet of the Al Qaidiots takes place through- the cultural sphere, so they try to re- senal MTV, Cosmopolitan, Sex & the sage, ‘is a time when you can tell the faith broadcast in the midst of its out society – right into these very press all ‘modern’ culture, only to be City, contraceptives, and a festival de- the truth’. key festival, and no one bats an eyelid. pages. The Muslim students who overthrown in a splurge of electronic void of religious meaning. In the so- Allow me to state the obvious: no Things begin to become more write in the Cambridge papers have goods, and un-Talebanic razor blades. called ‘clash of civilisations’ these are one knows what Christmas is about frightening when you consider the un- always impressed me with their dig- This is where Christmas comes in: our Daisy Cutters, our MOABs, our anymore. My response? Good! fortunate mirror image of this situa- nity, tenderness and level-heads. An what it now stands for is - almost Big Ones. It will take many years, but The great thing about Christmas is tion: Islam. Somehow the minority of article last term on the true, pacific cringe-worthily - a festival of univer- this gradual cultural transformation its utter divorcement from any reli- fundamentalist crazies have been able meaning of ‘jihad’ was a startling and sal tolerance. The spirit of Christmas is irresistible. In the long term, there gious credo. If anything, it’s the ulti- to hijack this religion’s public face like very necessary revelation. Though the attests to the absolute inclusiveness is no need to fear the bearded bogey- mate humanist holiday, encouraging an internal American air-flight, and moderates’ rebuttals lack the spectac- of commercialism. You don’t have to men: they’ll get Christmassacred.

Letters should be submitted no later than midnight on Wednesday, and be as concise as possible. The editors Clever people Letters reserve the right to edit all copy. [email protected] are crap in bed Thinking of Caius: an analogy springs to mind

Dear Editor, ful woman civil servant who, on 11th September I was reading “Varsity” when Jeremy Paxman was 2001,sent a letter to her boss saying “isn’t this a good day Ellen E the editor and I have been a Cambridge socialite and per- to bury bad news?” sonality for over 35 years - so I am not the sort who is At any rate, it has given you all a sharp, brutal lesson Jones easily shocked!! about the truth of the 21st Century world-simply that big But I AM shocked by the disgusting behaviour of organisations and governments behave with zero con- A recent study of males aged 18-35 place where finally, without shame, Gonville and Caius College in sending the closure no- science and kindness. If they think they can do some- carried out by the California State we could stay home of a Friday night, tice to the Gardenia just before Christmas-when they thing horrible to little people and get away with it-they will. Institute of Technology has proved kissing books and masturbating over knew you were all away!! A Happy New Year-and term-to you all, conclusively that the average length lecture notes. The analogy which springs to mind is with that dread- William Hutton of words used in general conver- But there is a reason why we must sation is inversely proportionate to soldier on in steering all conversa- Gardies still remembered Mine’s a bacon burger the length of penis. tions down a sexual path when oth- This is obviously very bad news for ers would rather keep at weather Dear Varsity, Dear Sir, the undergraduate population of level - and it’s of greater significance Cambridge, but not entirely unex- than just for the sheer enjoyment. I have just become aware of the terribly sad decision I was shocked to hear of Caius’ plans to close down pected. Just as we all hope that fan- Questioning sexual performance is to force Gardenias to shut and to end a great Cambridge Gardies - it is nothing short of an outrage. Have the col- tastically good-looking people will the last refuge of a losing argument, tradition. If it is really too late to save it, it is a great pity. lege authorities no respect for tradition let alone their turn out to be very, very dull, it’s only that intermediate stage between po- Last summer a friend and I returned there after an ab- students’ welfare? Without Lardies, Tabs will be faced right that clever people ought to be lite contempt for the point of view of sence of 10 years, and the guys still remembered us! This with the unpalatable choice between the vans of Life crap in bed. Sex is physical, instinctive, another and bashing them round may partly reflect too many late nights at the college bar, and Death. primitive and the over-evolved cere- head with a lager bottle. Crude and but I think it says more about the wonderful service and brums of people who think too much adolescent it may be, but it always atmosphere of Gardenias. Shame on Caius. Good Luck Varsity in your campaign just aren’t designed for the task. works. Moreover, it’s in all our in- Best regards It’s a cliché, of course, founded on terests if sex (after death) remains the Gareth Williams Mine’s a Bacon Burger! Woody Allen films and those great equalizer of men, because we Pembroke, 1990 episodes of Friends where dumb Joey all have our weak moments. European Strategist Frank Churchill shags more girls than smart-arse When you can’t quite recall that Lehman Brothers Chandler, but that doesn’t really mat- Wittgenstein quote to back up your ter. It offends our natural sense of jus- devastating argument, when you Pete Waterman is talking complete shit tice if any individual excels in more can’t for the life of you deduce the ex- than one of the three key fields of hu- istential implications of Boeck’s the- Dear Editor, successful, particularly in the US (ironically, the home of man endeavour (being fit, being good ory of micro-biology, or when you’re Pete Waterman talks a load of shit. Your writer, Magnus production-line ‘pop’, admittedly produced with a far in bed and pub quizzes). Fairness dic- simply far too pissed to be coher- Gittins (in Varsity, 28th November), describes him as being greater array of talent than Waterman could ever hope to tates that the more A-levels you have, ent. In short, when all else fails, ‘honest’, in ignorance of the fact that Mr Waterman has assemble). Yet his bullying personality means that his wild the quicker your comebacks, the more there’s an indispensable, all-purpose always inflated his (recording) success. claims are reported as fact, when quite plainly they are not. likely you are to be frantically inse- argument to fall back on - “You, Sir, As a child, I used to write down the weekly singles chart His comments about Bob Dylan’s concern for finan- cure about your sexual performance. with your fancy talk, clearly don’t (nerdy, I know) and I can’t ever recall there being more than cial reward are risible. Though Dylan expected to be paid We get the better jobs, they get have sex very often and if you do it four or five Waterman productions in the top ten at any one for booked concerts, Dylan has given freely of his time - for bondage and so the thickos have the is probably crap sex” It’s unanswer- point; rather at odds with his claim of having ‘numbers one benefits and protests - across four decades. Endeavour that last laugh in the end. able.The day the Union proposes a to nine in the pop charts’. The total UK sales of all of the Waterman no doubt views with contempt, and can never Many mistakenly hoped that motion entitled “My penis is bigger ‘artists’ that he produced would not amount to Madonna’s. understand. Cambridge would provide some sort than yours” is the day we’ll see some Moreover, internationally, he has been far less commercially Yours, Anonymous of sanctuary for us cerebral types, a really passionate debating. INTERVIEW EDITOR: PAUL LEWIS 12 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Resigned to ethics Paul Lewis meets Robin Cook - and finds him ethical

In a few days time a report will be published that has the po- “But he became convinced that the Bush administration were critics thought was laughable. It is fair to say he did struggle here tential to destroy the Prime Minister’s political career. going to do it anyway, and persuaded himself – and this is where and there to implement the ethical ideal – what with selling When the Hutton Report is released one of the key protago- he and I parted company – that if America was going to do it, it arms to nasty regimes and all that. nists calling for the Prime Minister to reform – or perhaps even re- would be better for Britain to be part of it than not to be part of it.” It was in resigning that Cook most successfully expressed the sign – will be a man who was once one of his closest political al- On the issue of the allegations that the Prime Minister deliber- point that ethics matters in politics. It is almost a political fairy lies. ately deceived the country and Parliament, Cook is unflinching. tale that the man once mocked for failing to combine ethics with It was the fact that he had personal conversations with Tony Not only was Blair aware, two whole weeks before the war foreign policy finally managed to do so with his last, resigning Blair that made Robin Cook’s diary revelations – that the Prime started, that Saddam did not have weapons of mass destruction gasps of breath. Minister deliberately and knowingly exaggerated Saddam’s usable against distant civilian targets within 45 minutes, but he And in a few days time, when the Hutton Report is published, weapons capabilities – so credible. repeatedly tried to link Al Qaeda with Saddam Hussein in the “He shouldn’t be more than five minutes,” his secretary said, public’s mind. At first I thought it might be alive. It as she left to make me a cup of tea next door. “In his last broadcast before the war, he put both Al Qaeda and was smiling to me. I sat in the corner of Robin Cook’s smallish office, thinking I Saddam Hussein in the final sentence,” he points out. was alone. It was a mess. Books, awards, pictures and impor- Lowering the tone of his voice, so it came out in his hallmark and the media look for the most authoritative and high-profile tant scraps of paper were scattered around in unorganised piles. Blair-critic they can find, Cook will resume the noble position of Of course, I realised, he’s only recently moved in. national spokesperson for ethical foreign policy. Then I saw it. Right in the centre of his unsettled desk, emerg- Or is this just all too good to be true? ing from a habitat of ruffled papers, stood a stuffed ginger ferret. Robin Cook recently declared a £50,000-a-year consultancy At first I thought it might be alive. It was smiling at me. with Middle East oil construction company Consolidated Robin Cook has been likened to furry animals on several oc- Contractors International – who specialise in building oil plants casions. And this particular furry animal did bare a striking re- and pipelines around the Middle East and former Soviet Republics. semblance to its owner. Not only is the company building the highly controversial and He’s got a sense of humour, I thought. Robin Cook, often car- environmentally hazardous Baku-Ceyhan oil pipeline, it will now icatured as a pompous rodent look-a-like, actually has the abili- be involved in the reconstruction of Iraq. It is a company that ty to laugh at himself. aims to make money out of the occupation Cook opposes so vo- How refreshing. I mean I doubt if Tony Blair has a stuffed poo- ciferously. dle on his mantelpiece. It was a consultancy Cook eventually dropped after criticism This wouldn’t be the first time I felt I was speaking to, perhaps in the press, but clearly it was a possibility he had contemplated surprisingly given Cook’s reputation, a rare breed of politician. to the extent of officially declaring it to the House of Commons as Cook (the man) scurried into his office and hopped onto his forthcoming income. swivelling chair. He is a small and unimposing man who does- So what did Cook have to say about the ethical nature of sell- n’t carry the awe you’d expect of a one-time Secretary of State. ing this oil company his expert foreign policy? Not much. But like many successful politicians, he has a warm affableness “The first thing is: I have no consultancy. So we can put all that about him that makes him instantly likeable. to one side.” He was smiling too. I pressed a little harder on his position on a company that, And he deserves to smile. Robin Cook has made resignation lets face it, intends to extract profits from war-torn Iraq. seem like promotion. From the relative political obscurity for “They approached me and we had a discussion, but I’ve made someone of his stature of Leader of the House, Cook became no financial benefit out of them, I have no continuing consultan- the symbolic leader of the anti-war movement almost cy with them, I have no financial interest in it. So all that can be overnight. His recently published diaries, Point put to one side.” of Departure, are selling well, and he’s fast be- I was getting the impression that this was some- coming one of the few popular politicians left in thing, unlike America’s profiteering out of Iraq, the Labour Party. that Cook thought ought to be ‘put to one side’. The transition was made all the more glorious But hold on a minute. ‘No continuing contract’ with one of the most memorable resignation speech- – does that not imply he had a contract at some stage es of all time. in the first place? Surely his involvement was more He opened that speech with a confession: he had for- than ‘a discussion’ if he felt it necessary to declare the gotten how much better the view looked from the back- £50,000 sum as earnings? benches. “As I say there was a discussion between us and at that “I suppose I’m recapturing my youth as it were,” he told stage, perfectly properly, I registered. But we decided me, “it’s a terrific relief and liberation to be able to talk more not to proceed with it. So there is no consultancy.” frankly.” So what was the reason for not proceeding with the And from that landmark speech onwards, Robin Cook has consultancy? made a career out of talking frankly, especially when it comes to “I would say that it became plain to me that any association Iraq. husky yet with me was only going to bring additional publicity to the “With every passing week we can see that those of us who were high-pitch grunt, he added, “But there was not a shred of evidence company in ways that would not be of interest or of value to the deeply concerned about the decision to go to war were right to be to stand it up. company, or to me.” concerned. Saddam was not a threat. “Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with September 11th and But on a personal level, is it something that he would refuse to There were no weapons of mass destruction. And Washington nothing to do with Al Qaeda. Saddam was an evil psychopath. do on ethical grounds? had not a clue of what we were going to do next after we’d knocked He was a brutal tyrant. But his ideology was secular, he was “Well I’m not doing it. I really don’t see why I should have Saddam out of the way.” not a fundamentalist, and he knew perfectly well that Al Qaeda to explain why I would or wouldn’t do it. I’m not doing it. Cook is not just critical of the war. He is deeply critical of the was just as likely to assassinate him as any Western leader.” End of story.” one man outside of the US administration he thinks could have Robin Cook, of course, knows what he’s talking about. During End of story. stopped it. his time as Foreign Secretary he would have received countless Perhaps Cook’s previous assertion, that it’s a ‘terrific relief and “Perhaps most fascinating of all,” he says, building up to a and constant briefings on Iraq from the secret services. Which liberation to be able to talk more frankly’ on the backbenches, was crescendo, “is if Britain had said no, and if Blair had refused to take is the main reason why he will be such a pivotal figure when a little premature. Hutton finally reports. After all, backbencher politicians are still politicians. The problem with the September “I used to see a lot of intelligence assessments as Foreign But he is nevertheless right. He didn’t do it. Or at least he dossier was that it was written as a Secretary and universally they would be very even handed. They backtracked. Robin Cook had a reverse gear. Perhaps that propaganda document. would give you the intelligence that pointed in both directions of exemplifies the difference between Cook and our own MP, the question,” he explained. Anne Campbell, from other Labour MPs who supported the war. any part in it, it is not immediately clear if Bush could have car- “Frankly, what was wrong with the September dossier was that As both his resignation and his decision not to pursue the Iraqi ried his own public opinion with him.” it was written as a propaganda document.” oil consultancy reveal, Robin Cook is principled enough – un- “Tony understood and grasped the sea change in American During his reign as Foreign Secretary Robin Cook attempted like our Prime Minister – to reverse when he realises he is going public opinion about military intervention. to introduce ‘ethics’ into foreign policy, a move that his cynical in the wrong direction.

January 16 2004 CambridgePower100 Ross Anderson 1 Computing genius, security expert

Computing genius, and one of the work in uncovering a major flaw in for Cambridge Freedoms, a body lobbied against the high profile EU nuclear weapons control. He is also world’s leading security experts. a national encryption system which attempting to stop the University Draft IRP Enforcement directive. one of the most prominent and vo- Described as looking like a provides the security for most of automatically owning all the intel- An academic of considerable cal members of Cambridge’s Viking, Dr Anderson comes from the country’s ATM machines. He lectual property generated by its prowess with a wealth of real University Council. the world of banking having has made profound waves in local, faculty members. He is also re- world knowledge from ATM ma- The breadth of Dr Anderson’s worked for Standard Chartered national and international policy sponsible for establishing The chines, phone systems and smart influence and power in an increas- and Barclays. He now heads the in and around his area of expertise Foundation for Information Policy cards to trusted computing, gov- ingly wired world is truly out- University Computer Laboratory’s - security engineering. Research (FIPR) Britain’s leading ernment intelligence systems, med- standing. There was only ever one Security Group, infamous for its He championed the Campaign IT think-tank which has recently ical information confidentiality and name to top this list. CambridgePower100 The Top Ten

Welcome to the on both the academic and admin- Professor James Cambridge Power100 2 Professor Alison 3 Richard istrative front. Bringing with her a Crawford As we all know, Cambridge remarkable reputation from her University is a place of unmatched The new University Vice- time in the United States as President of International Law achievement and is brimming with Chancellor and as such its Chief Provost of Yale University, Commission, Chairman of Law clever, interesting people. Many, in Executive running the University Professor Richard will hope to Faculty, leading public internation- fact probably most, choose not to work the same wonders on in- al lawyer. Most influential in estab- enter into the game of climbing the creasing minority admissions and lishing Cambridge’s international University’s social, intellectual and tackling the university’s financial law reputation, Professor Crawford hierarchical ladders that would re- issues as she did across the is perhaps the biggest name in in- sult in reaching the pages of this Atlantic. She was famous for left ternational law at present. His opin- supplement. wing activities in her youth hav- ion is regularly sought by interna- In order to begin compiling this ing on one occasion leaped on tional tribunals and he regularly list we first had to determine what Prime Minister Harold Wilson’s appears before the International 4 Lord Wilson of our definition of power was going car. Her acceptance of top-up fees Court of Justice. Dinton to be. Power is influence, whether would suggest that she has cast that is in Cambridge or interna- aside her left wing affiliations but Master of Emmanuel College, tionally. Power is being in a posi- is keen to further bursaries to former Cabinet Secretary and tion of responsibility that gets avoid any detrimental effect upon Head of the Home Civil Service things done or changed. Power is admissions. An anthropologist by Lord Wilson retired from the civil knowledge and fame for what one profession, the new VC hopes to service in August 2002. Lord either owns or controls. tackle head-on the present brain Wilson held the post for 4 years It was important for us when drain from Cambridge. Is she the prior to which he was Permanent compiling this list not to confuse saviour the university has been Under-Secretary at the Home power with success. Everyone at waiting for? Office from 1994-98. Sits on the this University has achieved suc- board of BSkyB. cess; from those who worked in a factory all summer to save for college to those who were interns at Goldman Sachs. Less so with 5 Lord Mustill 8 Sir John Sulston power. What determined our cri- teria for those who are the most powerful from those that aren’t Retired Law Lord. The Rt. Hon. The Director Sanger Project. Made a Nobel was only partly success, as one Lord Mustill, QC, MA, LLD, and a Laureate of Medicine 2002. Sir John is might hold a lot of potential or founding member of Essex Court of one of the university’s most ac- real power without necessarily chambers is the Arthur Goodhart claimed scientists. Famous for his using that power to success. Visiting Professor in Legal Science work with nematode worms for Others could be successful in the at Cambridge University. He is also which he won his Nobel Prize but also field they have chosen without the honorary president of the hugely acclaimed for his ground- wielding any power at all. Cambridge University Law Society. breaking work with the human Cambridge is unique amongst genome project. British universities in the links it has sought to create with national and international industries. The 9 Professor A.K.Sen Judge Institute prides itself in be- 6 Sandra Dawson ing able to attract the biggest names and these are reflected in Director of the Judge Institute of Outgoing Master of Trinity and this list – whether that be Sandra Management. KPMG Professor of Winner of the Nobel Prize for Dawson or Lord Wilson, former Management Studies Economics in 1998 for his work head of the Civil Service. Master of Sidney Sussex College. on human rights, poverty, and We hope to have included a di- Non-Executive Director of: Barclays famine. Professor Sen’s work on verse range of people: from plc (from 2003); Cambridge the causes of famine have shown Alison Richard, the new Vice- Econometrics (from 1996); JPMorgan that disastrous famines are not Chancellor, to the Anti Capitalist Fleming Claverhouse Investment simply the consequence of Action group, and only claim to Trust. Has been headed numerous nature, but are also avoidable be crediting them with one quali- public policy research groups and economic and political catastro- ty: power. One of our priorities in been intimately involved with work phes. One of the world’s most determining the ranking was to in the upper echelons of government. recognisable economists, acknowledge the relative power Professor Sen is most famous for an individual may have over a the very human element he has the most significant brain small group in contrast to the dif- 7 Professor brought to his area of expertise, to be leaving Cambridge for a fused power another individual Stephen Hawking having received awards in the more lucrative seat in the United may have over a greater quantity early 1990’s for his work on States at Harvard University. of people. understanding and preventing Although we could not in- Lucasian Professor of Mathematics. World hunger. Worryingly for clude every person of power, we Stephen Hawking has worked on the university, Professor Sen is have included justification of our the basic laws which govern the choices, and some, although ob- universe. His early work showed vious choices, had to go in to that it was necessary to unify avoid risking peculiarity. General Relativity with Quantum 10 Tim Mead Whether it is because they hold Theory. Famous for popularising remarkable power in the area that physics with his international best- they claim to be powerful in or seller A Brief History of Time. Registrary, Number one adminis- because they are unexpectedly Professor Hawkings is one of the trative officer of the University. If powerful in a way they did not most recognisable physicists in the disability he continues to combine the university administrative staff intend, everyone who made it in- world and is the recipient of a family life and his research into the- is made up of a plethora of cogs, side these pages has ‘made it’ in plethora of awards, medals and oretical physics together with an ex- Mr Mead is its largest and most in- many senses. prizes and is a Fellow of The Royal tensive programme of travel and fluential. Congratulations to you all. Society and a Member of the US public lectures. Daud Khan and Jo Hartley Academy of Sciences. Despite his /16/01/04/LISTINGS/ Welcome to Varsity’s Listings pull-out. With our expert’s top recommendations below, Listings is your essential weekly guide to what’s on in Cambridge over the next seven days. FILM LIT MUSICTHEATRE V. ARTS

One of the year’s most talked Jacqueline Wilson, children’s au- Synths, Casio bleeps and some good The ADC lateshow next week Immaterial - Brancusi, Gabo, about recent US indies presents thor with more books in the BBC’s ol’ fun rockin’ minus any (Wed-Sat, 11pm) features two of Moholy-Nagy on at Kettle’s Yard Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Big Read than any other author. Electroclash poncing around. New Chekhov’s one-act vaudevilles, The until 14th March. An exhibition of Spader in an unorthodox view of See her talk in the Ramsden Room, kids on the block, Bristol band Proposal and The Bear. The latter three European sculptors’ various office romance and a stylized hy- Catz, Thursday 22nd January. Talk Chikinki bring their messed-up Beta will be in English, but the former aspirations to transcend the solid per reality. Late shows on at the starts at 7.30pm and there’s free Band and Beck-inspired sonic wll be performed in Russian with materials of sculpture making Arts Picture House on Friday 16th wine so erm, get there pronto. sounds to the Boat Race on Tuesday English captions: nice. light, space, time and movement and Saturday 17th at 11pm. 20th January. £6/£5 in advance. their media.

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Varsity is looking for new sub-editors, photographers and columnists. Email [email protected] for details L2 LISTINGS 16 JANUARY 04

Monday Wednesday FILM MISC Buddhist Meditation: Clare Hall: MUSIC Samatha Trust, Art Exhibition by Douglas Jeal. Sunday Friday Thai breath meditation. All welcome. Friday Christ's Films: Clare Hall: [email protected]. Clare Hall. Boogie Wonderland: City of God (Cidade de Art Exhibition by Douglas Jeal. www.samatha.org 80?s, 90?s & Naughties Disco Deus). All welcome. Pembroke College, Seminar Thursday Extravaganza. The Junction. Christs College, New Court Clare Hall. Room, N 7. 7:30pm. Clare Hall: 10pm. £4.50/£6.50. Theatre. 7:30pm, 10:30pm. £2. Art Exhibition by Douglas Jeal. Culanu: Clare Hall: All welcome. Clare Ents: St John's Films: Jewish Cambridge's unmiss- Art Exhibition by Douglas Jeal. Clare Hall. Commix (Good Looking Pirates of the Carribean - with able weekly social...eat, drink All welcome. Records) jazzy dnb, support: Orlando Bloom & Johnny and be merry! Clare Hall. CU Ballet Club: Pi & Alien. Clare College, Depp. The Culanu Centre, 33a Bridge Beginners ballet, all welcome! Cellars. St. John's College, Fisher St, between Oxfam and The Tuesday (1hr). Queens' College, Bowett 9pm. £4. Building. Galleria. 10pm. Clare Hall: Room. 6pm. £1. 7pm, 10pm. £2. Art Exhibition by Douglas Jeal. Kettle's Yard: Saturday All welcome. C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: Lunch time concert, lasting Tuesday Clare Hall: Clare Hall. Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; approx 40 mins. Kettle's Yard. Central European Film Club: Art Exhibition by Douglas Jeal. Self-defence; Pushing-hands; 1:10pm. The Eel (1997) by Shohei All welcome. Clare Hall. C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: Weapons; Nei Kung. Imamura. Japanese with Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Queens' Ents: English subtitles. Sunday Self-defence; Pushing-hands; Room. 7pm. £2/3. CHRONIC! A night of blazing Caius College, Bateman CASI (Cambridge Solidarity Weapons; Nei Kung . hip hop!. Queens' College, Auditorium. 8pm. with Iraq): Clare College, Bythe Room. Kick Bo: Fitzpatrick Hall. 9pm. £4. Letter-writing, asking for can- 7pm. £2/3. Non-contact aerobics using the Thursday cellation of Iraqi debt. dynamic kicking and punching Saturday Christ's Films: Queens' College, Armitage C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: moves of Martial-Arts. GCMS: Stand By Me. Room. 1pm. Chi Kung: Breathing exercises Christs College, New Court Jo Richardson (viola), Ben Christs College, New Court for relaxation, health and fit- Theatre. 6pm. £2. Plowman (piano): J.S. Bach, Theatre. 10pm. £2. Clare Hall: ness. New Hall, Long Room. Hindemith, Telemann. Art Exhibition by Douglas Jeal. 2pm. £2/3. Caius College, Bateman audi- St John's Films: All welcome. torium. 1:10pm. Confidence - D.Hoffman as Clare Hall. Kick Bo: crime-boss entangled in cons Non-contact aerobics using the Good Times: and counter-cons. St. John's The Pembroke College dynamic kicking and punching House music. With resident College, Fisher Building. Winnie-the-Pooh Society: moves of Martial-Arts. New DJs James Barrie, Patrick 9pm. £2. Where minutes are taken and Hall, Long Room. Cavaliere . hours are lost. 5:30pm. £2. The Junction. 10pm. £6/£8. Jesus College, Room 2, Staircase 2, Chapel Court. 4pm. decisions, decisions. i want to help people, i want to help myself. i want to help people, i want to help myself. i want to help people, i want to help myself. i want to help people, i want to help myself. this week get both sides of the picture, fi nd out the truth about the civil service and investment banking.

Monday 19th Jan Thursday 22nd Jan the story. the options - Civil Service getting in - applications. For-More-Than-Profi t Stream - Deutsche Bank The Civil Service talk about their opportunities and a Banking & Finance Stream career in their fi eld. In particular they’ll highlight their Trying to get a job at the moment or want to know internships on Ethnic Minority Summer Develop- more about investment banking? This interactive ment Programme and Disability Summer Placement event is about how to do well in job applications, and Scheme. Open to all students talks about what a career in banking entails.

All events are free to members, start at 6.30pm at Sidney Sussex, and include wine and dinner. Book your place online www.cambridgefutures.com Membership is free in lent until the end of second week. Sign up online. cambridgefuturesfutures www.cambridgefutures.com To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk

16 JANUARY 04 LISTINGS L3

CU Contemporary Dance Slavonic Society: Friday THEATRE Workshop: 'The Proposal' and 'The Bear' CU Contemporary Dance OVER THE EDGE - scintil- by Anton Chekhov. Workshop: Friday lating new contemporary ADC Theatre, . OVER THE EDGE - cutting ITALIAN RESTAURANT ETG: dance. 11pm. £3/4. edge contemporary dance. MEZE HOUSE MUCH ADO ABOUT ADC Theatre. 7:45pm. Slavonic Society: ADC Theatre. 7:45pm. £5 - NOTHING - Shakepearean £5/£6.50/£7.50. 'The Proposal' and 'The Bear' £7.50. Party bookings up to 50 available comedy, fresh from a by Anton Chekhov. Downstairs Cocktail Bar European tour. CUJO: ADC Theatre, . LATE NIGHT JAZZ - CUJO 11pm. £3/4. ADC Theatre. 7:45pm. £5 - CU Slavonic Society: 10% STUDENT DISCOUNT £7.50. for one night only. THE BEAR / THE PROPOS- ADC Theatre. 11pm. £3. Thursday AL - double bill of Chekhov 17 Hills Road, Cambridge Gomito Productions: CU Contemporary Dance farces. 01223 566900 THE LIFE OF DEATH - the LEBENStraum Theatre Workshop: ADC Theatre. 11pm. £3 - £4. Horsemen of the Apocalypse Company: OVER THE EDGE - cutting meet This is you Life. THE CHILD-KILLER: edge contemporary dance. GODS and Madhouse: ADC Theatre. 11pm. £4. Terrifying true story fresh ADC Theatre. 7:45pm. £5 - Oscar Wilde's 'Lady from the Fringe. The £7.50. Windermere's Fan'. Saturday Playroom. 7pm. £5.50 (£4). Churchill College, Wolfson ETG: CU Slavonic Society: Hall. 8pm. £3/4. MUCH ADO ABOUT Wednesday THE BEAR / THE PROPOSAL NOTHING - Shakepearean CU Contemporary Dance - double bill of Chekhov farces. LEBENStraum Theatre comedy, fresh from a Workshop: ADC Theatre. 11pm. £3 - £4. Company: Pirates of the Caribbean, European tour. OVER THE EDGE - cutting THE CHILD-KILLER: 12A ADC Theatre. 2:30pm, edge contemporary dance. GODS and Madhouse: Terrifying true story fresh Sunday 18th January - 7pm & 10pm 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. ADC Theatre. 7:45pm. £5 - Oscar Wilde's 'Lady from the Fringe. The £7.50. Windermere's Fan'. Playroom. 7pm. £5.50 (£4). Confidence,15 Prometheus Unbound in Churchill College, Wolfson Thursday 22nd January- 9pm association with the ADC: CU Slavonic Society: Hall. 8pm. £3/4. Slavonic Society: Bloody Poetry by Howard THE BEAR / THE PROPOS- 'The Proposal' and 'The Bear' www.stjohnsfilms.org.uk Brenton. ADC Theatre, . AL - double bill of Chekhov LEBENStraum Theatre by Anton Chekhov. 10:30pm. £4. farces. Company: ADC Theatre. 11pm. £3/4. ADC Theatre. 11pm. £3 - £4. THE CHILD-KILLER: Tuesday Terrifying true story fresh Slavonic Society: CU Contemporary Dance LEBENStraum Theatre from the Fringe. The 'The Proposal' and 'The Bear' TALK Workshop: Company: Playroom. by Anton Chekhov. OVER THE EDGE - cutting THE CHILD-KILLER: 7pm. £5.50 (£4). ADC Theatre, . Monday edge contemporary dance. Terrifying true story fresh 11pm. £3/4. ANIMALS, PEOPLE AND ADC Theatre. 7:45pm. £5 - from the Fringe. The Slavonic Society: THE ENVIRONMENT: Playroom. 7pm. £5.50 (£4). 'The Proposal' and 'The Bear' £7.50. THE HUMAN COST OF ANI- by Anton Chekhov. ADC Theatre. 11pm. £3/4. MAL EXPERIMENTS. Speaker: KATHY Slavonic Society: ARCHIBALD. 'The Proposal' and 'The Bear' The Bath House, Gwydir by Anton Chekhov. Street, Cambridge, All ADC Theatre. 11pm. £3/4. Welcome. For more info phone Now Recruiting Joan 01223 311828. Forum Moderator Needed 8pm. £ 2. £5.50 per hour Tuesday Looking for a self-disciplined and motivated individual with good local knowledge to finish setting up and to administer a new Churchill College: after training Cambridge web forum. Mr. Watanabe, Chairman of

Successful candidate must have: JETRO, will talk about -Basic HTML skills Japanese economy. -Good local knowledge Moller Centre Lecture Theatre, -Their own computer and internet connection Contact store for -Experience with using web forums Churchill College site, Storeys Way, Cambridge. further details This job is perfect for a student or anyone with a bit of free time. Payment will be based on a share of the site's advertising 5pm. income.

If you think this is something that suits you please email [email protected] DOMINOS CAMBRIDGE: 01223 355155 with 'Moderator Position' as the subject. 27 HILLS ROAD, CAMBRIDGE, CB2 1NW

Wednesday REDSHIFT: MUSIC Bad Timing: Feat: DJ FORMAT, DONOVAN Ergo Phizmiz. Surreal samples, 'BAD BOY' SMITH and more - Newnham Ents: wrong Aphex covers, mangled MASSIVE!. Fitzwilliam College, MYSTERY JETS + support. Great folk,etc. +UM+Man From CUSU ID Required. 9pm. £7/9. London-based bands. FREE Uranus. www.bad-timing.co.uk. ENTRY. Newnham College, Bar. Portland Arms, Mitcham's Retro Electro: 8:30pm. Corner. 8:30pm. £3.00. classica and contemporary elec- tronica, sixties, new wave and Queens' Ents: Trinity College Music Society: synthpop. Kambar, Wheeler GOLD! Return to the 80s!. Oliver Lallemant and Thomas Street. 9:25pm. £3. Queens' College, Fitzpatrick Hall. Hewitt-Jones improvise Jazz 9pm. £4. Piano. Trinity College, The Frazer Friday Room. 8pm. £4, £2 concessions, £1 Boogie Wonderland: Sunday TCMS members. 80?s, 90?s & Naughties Disco GCMS: Extravaganza. Kevin Weaver: exciting violin Thursday The Junction. 10pm. £4.50/£6.50. music. Caius College, Bateman Delirious?: auditorium. 8:30pm. A pile-up of fat rock beats, caustic Britten Sinfonia: guitars and 100 ft high choruses. Carole Cerasi (harpsichord) and Selwyn College Orchestra and The Junction. 7pm. £11/£10. Kate Hill (flute) - Telemann, JS Chapel Choir. Selwyn College, and CPE Bach. West Road The Hall. 8:30pm. £8 full/£6 Concert Hall. 8pm. £10 - 23. £3 Friends of the UL/£4 student standbys. SCMS/£2.50 (students/SCMS).

L4 LISTINGS 16 JANUARY04

Varsity - the only place to advertise your play

Shadwell and the HUIS CLOS, Fletcher Players By Jean-Paul Sartre EDINBURGH FESTIVAL 2004 YEOMEN OF THE GUARD "Hell is... other people" Professionally designed and directed for announce Lady Margaret Players: Late Solve your accommodation problems by call- Show Corpus Playroom, Week 6 ing Carole Smith/ Anne Goring on 01620 The Arts Theatre 9-13th March 2004 SMORGASBORD AUDITIONS for TWO MALE and Are still looking for TWO FEMALE parts 810620 MEN (leads and chorus) Saturday, 17th January, 2-6pm, email address: [email protected] ALTOS (lead) Auditions Sunday, 18th January, 2-6pm or write to Please contact the director Mon 19th January St. John’s College, School of Debbie Grossman [email protected] Room I4 Corpus 4 - 9pm Pythagoras Festival Flats, 3 Linkylea Cottages, For more information or to arrange an Info: Sebastian (gsr22) Gifford, East Lothian, EH41 4PE audition Applications for Bright Faces Stage Compnay THE FLETCHER PLAYERS Vancouver Tour, September 2004 announce auditions for Directors Lady Windermere’s Fan (one of 6, of a 20 min play) Pembroke Players Announce Auditions For: BATS Announce Ausitions For; by Oscar Wilde A MAP OF THE WORLD Is opening Applications for by DAVID HARE Technical Director Mystery Plays Week 5 Mainshow Tour Manager A week 5 mainshow at the Corpus Christi Week 3, Pembroke Wren Chapel, Kenneth Lonergan’s ‘This is our youth’ Producer/ Publicist Lighting Director College Playroom (17th-21st January) Mainshow Sat 17th 2-6, Erasmus Room, Queens’ Sound/ Music Director/ SX Sound Director Sun 18th, 2-6, Fitzpatrick Stage, Queens’ LD/ LX Email sjmt2 to arrange audition Set against the exotic decaying grandeur of For details contact jfab3, 07979442279 (to go on tour) time India, a naive American film To be performed in American accents Costume Designer enquiries to ks370 or amg52 actress unwittingly becomes the center of Set Designer an international incident as a Week 5 Lateshow Here Kitty (male roles only) (to be based in Cambridge) vast array of multi-national diplomats, Conan Doyle’s ‘Sherlock Holmes and the Week 5, ADC Theatre Lateshow Contact ja301 journalists, and writers swirl speckled band’ around the delegates to a UNESCO confer- 6-8pm, Fri 16th Pembroke N7 Sat 17th, 2-5 Fitzpatrick Stage, Queens’ ence on world poverty. A Map of the Sun 18th, 2-5, Old Kitchens, Queens’ 2-4pm, Sat 17th, Pembroke Bright Faces Stage Compnay World is a scintillating comedy about the For details contact jps50 Downing Supervision Room 0 Vancouver Tour, September 2004 West and its problematic Dramatic Society relationship to the Third World. There are Email Tom (tjp30) Week 7 Mainshow Announces Auditions For: four parts still available. is pleased to Shakespeare’s ‘Henry V’ Lady Windermere’s Fan Sat 17th, Erasmus Room, Queens’, 10-2 by Oscar Wilde announce audi- The Real Thing We specifically require one male to play an Sun 18th, Erasmus Room, Queens, 12-4 tions for an week 8 Week 7, New Cellers Mainshow Friday 16th January, 10-5pm INDIAN character and one male For details contact sre25 production of 2-4pm, Sat 16th Pembroke, Room Saturday 17th January, 10-5pm to play an AFRICAN character Sunday 18th January, 10-5pm S15 Week 7 Lateshow Auditions will be held on 2-4pm, Sun 17th Pembroke, Room S15 Nietzsche Inspired New Writing, THE BALCONY ‘How to philosophize with a hammer’ New Court Gallery, Saturday 17th and Sunday 18th Sat 17th & Sun 18th, 12-4, Angevin Room, Christ’s College from 4-7pm in Room Contact Cat (cum21) By Jean Genet Queens’ Contact ja301 for more info I4, Corpus Christi College Producer also required For details contact sj247 to be staged at the Corpus Playroom. The Marlowe Society Do you fancy a road trip THE GOLDEN ASS: or, The Curious Man Auditions will be held in the round the States? by Peter Oswald Music Room at Downing CADS announces The May Week Production in Sidney th Sussex Gardens College on Saturday 17 Invites applications for Auditions for WEEK 6 Production January, from 3-6pm and on Assistant Director of Shakespeare’s AUDITIONS Sat 17th 2-5pm Chetwynd room, Kings Sunday 18th January from 2-6pm Julius Caesar Sun 18th 2-5pm Munby room, Kings announces auditions for the Company Manager / Publicist Please contact Amir ab490 for more infor- September 2004 tour of ‘As You Designer / Technical Director Saturday 17th January 11.30 - 3.30pm mation For further information please Like It’. Room 4/48, Christ’s ______for their National Tour. Sunday 18th January 12 - 6pm Twelfth Night contact Ross ([email protected]) Room 4/48, Christ’s For further information, ot to apply, Cambridge Arts Theatre, 2nd - 6th March Saturday 17th, 10-1, please contact Martin (mib22) email Ali Nunn - adn25 for details Chetwynd Room, KINGS 2004 Downing Dramtic Sunday 18th, 10-1, AUDITIONS for the parts of Fabian and Munby Room, KINGS Valentine by appointment Society Presents Contact Rachel Briscoe rgb30 to arrange a Auditions For time CAST also invites applications for Auditions announced for CADS announces The Silence of The the following posts: deadline 23rd CORPUS PLAYROOM Radio Play Auditions APPLICATIONS for the posts of January. Including: Musical director Rams Assistant lighting designer STAGE MANAGER MAINSHOW Kyd’s THE SPANISH TRAGEDY ( A week 4 Comedy) & Shakespeare’s THE TEMPEST LX TECHNICAL DIRECTOR Assistant stage manager Sat 17th Jan 3.30pm - 6pm LIGHTING DIRECTOR Week 2 Easter Term and subse- Costume assistant Saturday 17th and Sunday 18th , 2 - 6pm Room 4/48, Christ’s SOUND DESIGNER quent London Run Sat 18th Jan 7 - 10pm Written applications should be placed in The Nursery, Queens’ New Court Gallery, Christ’s the Marlowe pigeon hole in the ADC Mon 19th Jan 7-10pm or emailed to Katherine Dorrell kfd21 by For more info contact the Tour New Court Gallery, Christ’s 6pm on Wednesday 21st Jan Contact eaw28 or leb30 The Country Contact Ali (adn25) for details For more information Manager, Christina on cje35 by Martin Crimp

AUDITIONS FOR Female Actors Only Auditions announced for THE The Brothers The Marlowe Society Announces Pembroke N7 THE TWO GENTLEMAN OF VERONA Menachmus Auditions Sat 17th and Sun 18th opening: 29th June For the May Week Dramatic 12pm-4:30pm A fun, innovative Spectacular comedy! The Golden Ass By Peter Oswald The Arts Theatre Saturday 17th Jan 2-5 King’s The virgin show for Rocking a city and university production Room X16, Queens, Sat 17th Chetwynd Room House Productions from the team 11am to 5pm Sunday 18th Jan 2-5, King’s, that produced Anna Weiss n 2003. Actors should prepare a speech from any Shakespeare play (max. 1 All welcome - inc. male, female, Munby Room Please contact: minute) and if possible book an audition time - phone 355853 - or arrive black parts. Suresh Patel - [email protected] unannounced Contact Rahul, rs411, or Erica, For details please contact Dan Sheer - Auditions (10.00-6.00) at The Arts Theatre Friday, 23rd January emj30, for details/questions [email protected] [email protected]

To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk CambridgePower100 11-54 11) Ben Brinded awarded every 5 years). Tipped as - highest award granted to a for- Astronomer Royal. Has been 40) Sir James Mirrlees CUSU President and former leg- next Master of Trinity. eign citizen by Mexican govern- awarded the following: Gold Emeritus Professor. Nobel endary Cauis JCR President. The ment. Medal of the Royal Astronomical Laureate. face of the University’s student 16) Jack Beatson Society, the Balzan International body for the outside world. Chairman of Law Faculty , High 25) Paul Lewis Prize, the Bruce Medal of the 41) Tim Hunt Court Judge. The Rausball Won a landslide victory in the Nobel Prize for Medicine 2001. 12) Professor King Professor in the Law Faculty. The Students’ Union presidential elec- Government’s chief scientific advi- top Professor in the Faculty. tions in summer 2002. Prior to that, 42) Professor Hopper sor. Former Master of Downing he shot to political power at Head of laboratory for College and is presently an hon- King’s, becoming King’s JCR pres- Communications Engineering orary fellow of the college. He is ident by the end of his first term. the Chief Scientific Advisor to the Ex-interviews editor for Varsity. 43) Keith Collantine Government and reports directly Brought about Thursday’s at Coco CUSU services officer. to the Secretary of State and the and Diablo nightclub ents. Got the Prime Minister. university governing council to 44) Dr Zimmer change their policy and express Director, Public Health Genetics 13) Richard Evans concern for top-up fees in 2002. Unit. Chairman of History Faculty Board, Nazi specialist. 26) Professor Josephson 45) Professor Welland Nobel prize for Physics in 1973. Head of Institutte of Nano-Tech, 14) Professor Lord Eatwell Head of IRC. Set up the Institute for Public 27) Professor Lauterpacht 28 Dame Judith Mayhew Policy Research, which has now es- Emeritus Director of the 46) David Livesey tablished itself as one of Britain’s 15 Tim Gowers Lauterpacht Research Centre for Astronomical Society of the Pacific, Head of MIT Institute. leading think-tanks. Chairman of International Law and Honorary the Heineman Prize for the Board of Trustees. Director of Professor of International Law. Astrophysics (AAS/AIP), the 47) Geoffrey Skelsy Cambridge Endowment for Bower Award for Science of the Assistant to Vice Chancellor. Research in Finance. Professor of 17) Dr Forsyth 28) Dame Judith Mayhew Franklin Institute, the Cosmology Financial Policy. Chairman of Board of Scrutiny en- Provost of Kings. Prize of the Peter Gruber sures accountability of University Foundation and the Einstein Council to Regent House. Award of the World Cultural Council. Author/co-author of 18) Kevin Roberts nearly 500 research papers, mainly CEO Saatchi & Saatchi on astrophysics and cosmology, as Worldwide, as our current CEO in well as seven books (five for gener- Residence at the Judge Institute of al readership). Management. 36) Tom Ebbutt 19) John Daugman Current Varsity Editor. The man Developer of Iris recognition soft- behind the campaign to save ware for security in banks and on Gardies. ID cards. Johann Bernoulli Professor of maths. 37) Sam Gallagher Varsity Business Manager. Former 20) Quentin Skinner President of the Asparagus club. 43 Keith Collantine 11 Ben Brinded World expert in political thought. Taught President of Italy about 25 Paul Lewis 38) Dave Maher 48) Dr Franklin President of Queens’ College. Machiavelli. CUSU business manager. Chairman of Varsity Board. 1985 -1992 served as economic ad- 29) Professor Baker viser to Neil Kinnock, the leader of 21) Simon Blackburn Fields Medalist. 39) Timothy Winter 49) Suzi Baker the British Labour Party. 1992 -en- Populariser of philosophy. Wrote Sheikh Zayed Lecturer in Islamic Head of University Press Office. tered the House of Lords, and from the book Think. 30) Professor Thompson Studies. The Faculty’s first ever 1993 to 1997 was Principal Fields Medalist. lecturer in Islam, also the Deputy 50) Stephen Cleobury Opposition Spokesman on 22) Professor Dashwood Muslim Chaplain to the University, Organist and Director of Music at Treasury and Economic Affairs. University Lecturer, Renowned 31) Lord Sainsbury King’s college, conductor of or- 1988- set up the Institute for Public Expert on EU and EU Constitution. Architect of the Monkey Labs and chestra at Cambridge University Policy Research. Chairman of the the man behind Alec Broers. Will Musical Society (CUMS), Chief Board of Trustees. he retain the same influence? conductor of BBC singers. 1997-joined the Board of Securities and Futures Authority. Britain’s se- 32) Christopher Andrew 51) Aaron Klug curities markets regulator. member Reportedly found the ‘5th man.’ Won the Nobel Prize for of the Board of Directors of the M15 spying links. Chemistry in 1982. Royal Opera House, Covent Garden, with particular responsi- 33) Oly Duff 52) Asim Mumtaz bility for the Royal Ballet. He is Ex Varsity editor and ex TCS editor. Cambridge Entrpreneur of the also chairman of the Commercial year 2003. Asim won first prize in Radio Companies Association and 34) Will Gallagher the University Entrepreneurs com- the British Library. Michaelmas 2003 Union President, petition with an award of £50,000 Taught economics at Cambridge ex CUCA President. Involved with which he will use to set up since 1970, and became President C-Change’ conservative think Cambridge Solar Electronics. This of Queens’ College, Cambridge in tank. Ex president Union Society. 36 Tom Ebbutt applies the latest technologies to 1997. 1980-1999 Professor in the He is a youth executive of ‘Policy solar energy applications to pro- Graduate Faculty of the New 21 Simon Blackburn Exchange,’ a think tank. He is no- recently won the Pilkington duce cost effective and reliable so- School for Social Research, New toriously fickle about his degree Teaching Prize. Has pioneered the lar products for developing coun- York. Visiting Professor at though; in three years he has teaching of Islam within the tries. Columbia University, New York, 23) Chris Bayly moved from studying law to SPS University and regularly appears the University of Massachusetts, Most influential historian of British to management. on radio and television to explain 53) Tim Moreton Amherst, and the University of Empire. the real teachings of Islam against Varsity Online Editor. Joint editori- Amsterdam. 35) Martin Rees the current background of hostile al responsibility. 24) Professor Brading Professor of Astronomy and ignorance of it in the world. 15) Tim Gowers Greatest historian of Latin Cosmology and, from 2004, Master 54) Professor Hewish Fields Medalist (maths prize America, awarded the Aztec eagle of Trinity College, Cambridge. Nobel Prize for physics 1974. CambridgePower100 55-100 55) Professor Amaratunga Former news and visual arts editor Double first in economics for both an occupation of Senate House and Leads the Cambridge Solar at Varsity. To be featured on ‘Faking part I & part IIA. 84) Rowland Moseley the Le-pen and Nick-Griffin Electronics Team. It’, being turned from chorister to Goldman Sachs Global Leader, at- Academic scholar at King’s College. protests at the Union. rock chick. tended their exclusive programme Received a starred first. Awarded 56) Edward Craig in New York. Signed to Goldman the Donald Wort Prize from Music 92) Anti Capitalist Action 4; Craig Knightbridge Professor of 65) Jessica Childs Sachs, Investment Banking divi- McDowell, Matt MacDonald, Philosophy. Fellow of the British Academic Affairs Officer CUSU. sion. Morwenna Mckecknee, Ricardo Academy. General Editor of the 10- Women’s Officer on KCSU. Raised Vetalez. volume Routledge Encyclopedia of 75)Alan Mendoza Famously made King’s look illiber- Philosophy, now the leading ency- Arranged for Ted Heath, the French al last Michaelmas term when the clopedia of philosophy in English. Ambassador, and Henry Kissenger group were rusticated by the col- to attend Disraelian Society of lege over a squat they had allegedly 57) Jeremiah Ostriker which he is President. This is a pri- trashed. They successfully over- AstroPhysicist, Awarded the vately organised clique who run turned Kings’ decision to send the National Medal of Science by Bill right-wing dinner parties. Ex- students down and caused an Clinton in 2000 chairman of CUCA. about turn in the upper echelons of the college. 58) Professor Newland 76) Fiona Brenner Former Head of Engineering Overturned King’s Colleges’ deci- 93) Tom Tilley Department sion to expel the ‘Anti Capitalist Footlights Review Writer Writer of Action Four’ and halted their rusti- the Spring Review and Christmas 59) Brian Little cation. 75 Alan Mendoza pantomime at Footlights, Tipped to be a future Fleet Street Performed at the comedy store editor. 65 Jessica Childs 77) Caleb Ward Faculty for greatest proficiency in gong show several times, World Debating Champion. IA Music. Principal Composer of Appeared on ITV’s take the mic 60) Katy Long considerable funds for Camfed Director of Debating. Achieved National Youth Orchestra. His stand up show. Going to MIT, Former editor of Varsity, KCSU (charity furthering girls’ education starred first in Geography tripos. Orchestral work premiered in Paris Princeton, Cornell next year Governing Body Representative. in Africa). in 2002 and his chamber work pre- as part of an American college 78) Frank Walding miered at the Royal Institution in comedy tour organised by a U.S 66) Wes Streeting Promoter of ‘Fresh as Snow’ and July 2002. Was broadcast on BBC comedy troupe. Fined £150 in his CUSU Higher Education Officer, ‘Funky Monkey’. Looks set take Radio 3 later in the same year. first May week for streaking Trinity tipped to be next CUSU President. 85) Russ Abel 67) Suzie Butler Hawks president. Co-promoter of Access Officer. ‘Rumboogie’.

68) Jo Read 86) Tom Stammers CUSU Women’ s Officer. Co- editor of TCS.

69) Luke Layfield 87) Tim Stanley Former editor of both Varsity and Cambridge University Labour TCS, Luke and co-editor Oly Duff Association President. were the first in history to edit both Cambridge papers successively. 88) Tom James During his time as editor of Varsity Rowed for University boat team 64 Laura-Jane Foley Luke interviewed Ariel Sharon. aged 18 in first year. Presently tak- Resigned from TCS to spend more 74 Nayemul Chowdhury ing a year out in order to row in the 93 Tom Tilley 61) Reggie Vettasseri time with his girlfriend. Athens Olympics. Next co-editor of Varsity. Presently great court. Varsity Chief News Editor. Senior 70) Stephen Parkinson over in Cambridge ents when 89) Ben Ramm Officer at Union – smoked spliff President of the Union. Fergus Gladstone leaves next year. Leader of Cambridge Liberal 94)Edward Riches with Howard Marks in Union Former Andersen scholar, in the Democrat Student Party. Footlights President Chamber, Director of Schools 71)Eve Williams year of their monumental collapse. Debating Competition. Former TCS editor. Director of TCS. 90) Helen Oyeyemi 95) Simon Radford 79) Wu-Meng Tan Former President of Lib Dems. , 62) Edward Cumming 72) Fergus Gladstone Winner of World Debating Union Hack, An Old Etonian. Ex-chairman of CUCA (Cambridge Championships. Ranked best University Conservative Speaker in the World. Ex Union 96) Ronojoy Dam Association). Ex-ents officer at the President. Socialite, A-lister of the future, for- Union and ex-Union president. mer Varsity Arts editor and next Student representative for VOTE 80) Sarah Solemani Varsity Fashion Editor. 2004, a lobby group pushing for a Lead roles in two West End produc- referendum on the European tions. Played the young Mrs 97) Jamie Parker Constitution. Robinson in The Graduate and the Double blue and son of former lead in Mrs Brown. Writes the England Cricket international. 63) James Osborne Spring Review. Role as Described as one of the University’s Organised first ever Cambridge ‘Ayesha’ in Royal National Theatre most naturally talented sportsmen. University Ball with Frank production of ‘Sanctuary.’ On TV Walding. was guest lead as ‘Gillian Jennings’ 98) James Livingston Arranger of the Fashion Show in in BBC’s Red Cap. Rowed against his twin brother in Lent 2003, James has appeared in 76 Fiona Brenner last years boat race. The Guardian as a Bright Young 81) Pete Morle-Fletcher Thing. 73 Michael Nabarro Pitt Club President. Cambridge’s latest literary wun- 99) Martin Hemming and Will Mott He arranges charity events and is derkid. Has been given a £400,000 Editors of the Ordinary. Have met rumoured to be a self-made mil- Ents Guru. Co promoter of ‘Rum 82) Kate Merriam advance by Bloomsbury for her first Paul Lewis. Three times. lionaire through the sale of freezer Boogie’ and ‘Sundaynight Life’. ADC President, involved with over novel. meals. 25 ADC performances. 100) Kirsten Barker 73)Michael Nabarro 91) Dan Mayer Ospreys President 64) Laura-Jane Foley ADC Business Manager. Ex ADC 83) Ashley Grote Member of SWSS (socialist worker Next co- editor of Varsity. Former President. Organ scholar at King’s college. student society) and Cambridge’s Union under secretary. Captained Heavily involved with Cambridge most prominenet protest organiser. ‘University Challenge’ team. 74) Nayemul Chowdhury University Musical Society. Involved with CamSaw, organised

EDITORS: SARA NAGUIB AND NICOLE GOLDSTEIN FASHION www.varsity.co.uk 16 Jan, 2004 13 When the money dries up… hit Mill Rd! Q&A Style talks to Simon So you have worn a hole in your pocket? Fujiwara, student at But that’s never stopped us shopping! Magdelene and Head to Mill Road for some Post –Xmas bargains! Design Producer for The Magic Flute at the ADC

Here are some of the best in Cambridge…

Oxfam 28, Sidney St How did you get involved in this Cancer Research UK project? 42, Regent St It began in June when I was asked by the director Max to be involved. I Oxfam met the rest of the team and saw that 34-35, Bridge St this was going to be something spe- cial, everyone was very engaged and Sue Ryder full of energy. It's not everyday a stu- 16a, Mill Rd dent body takes on The Magic Flute! I have also been keen to design for RSPCA opera for a long time. 188, Mill Rd How has being an architecture Salvation Army student affected the design 44a, Mill Rd process? Some of the questions I have asked Cats Protection myself have been very architectural 172, Mill Rd and others not. Architecture needs to answer more questions about the British Red Cross way we live. Opera design is very 26, Burleigh St sensual it grows out of music, there is an immediacy to designing music The Hospice Shop as a space or colour that is less of 30, Regent St an intellectual game.

British Red Cross What has been the most inter- 101, Glisson Rd esting part of designing? Getting the materials. It is often very Save The Children laborious and time consuming, but 21, Magdalene St the range of characters you meet! Can you imagine what being a deal- British Heart Foundation er in chinese horse hair all your life 10, Burleigh St must do to you?

East Anglia's Children's Hospices What inspires you? 174, Mill Rd Matthew Barney, Wagner, Peter Doig, John Galliano ,Bill Viola, the sausage maker at Pinner Farm, McQueen , various skips, Amanda my costumes saviour, Jean Cocteau and taxidermy (all varieties).

Is this what we can expect, then!!?? Yes and no. designing this has been an ongoing dialogue between Max, George (Musical director) and I, things change constantly, but you can be sure of one thing: an evening of spectacle and beautiful, beautiful Our final page is dedicated to the one music! we love...T one and onlyom and Walters.Y no one can take you The Magic Flute is on at the ADC from ou ar away fr e our the 27th to the 31st of January. om us!Mwah! Box office: 01223 503333 TRAVEL EDITOR:ANDREW MACDOWALL 14 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Want to escape? Go here Varsity’s guide to places that other newspapers don’t know exist

1. Pelee Island, Canada 2. Cozumel, Mexico about that scorching sun, those become an enormous tourist hub 3. Kongjian, Laos/Thailand If you’re looking for a whirlwind azure blue skies stretching out due to it’s lack of potable water and city break with plenty of shopping, above you, the hot white sands and efforts to preserve its delicate sophisticated culture and luxuri- the smell of sea salt that clings to ecosystem, but for those lucky ous hotels, Cozumel is not the the skin. Cozumel has become fa- enough to spend some time there, place to go. It’s a relaxed little is- mous for its amazing coral reef for- there is plenty to discover beyond land off the coast of Mexico near to mations and is a favourite with the façade offered to tourists. From Playa del Carmen, and at around divers, but it also offers the most the magic of the Mayan ruins scat- 20 miles long it is the largest off- beautiful beaches I have ever seen, tered in the tropical forests, to the With a knowledge of lakes limit- shore Mexican land mass, yet with miles of uninterrupted white incredible marine life in those deep ed to piddly duck ponds and filled- maintains a definite Carribean is- powder sand, palm trees and per- blue waters, Cozumel has some- Asia is a vast and heterogeneous in gravel pits, any lake which you land feeling. fectly clear turquoise waters. thing for nearly everyone. continent; if you visit the packed me- can’t see the other side of appears There’s something unmistakable Thankfully the island will never Danae Hadrill-Baratt tropoles of Bangkok or Tokyo, you as some kind of strange landlocked won’t experience the westernless vil- sea. lage life, if you spend a week by the 6 The Great Lakes truly are great - beach, you won’t be able to sample no shopping trolleys or mangy the mountain air. ducks here. 5 There’s no way to escape the trav- Pelee island is in Lake Erie. Erie’s 1 eller’s curiosity without putting more manageable size means that some real effort in, but there are ways it reaches a good temperature in of gaining an inner Asian perspec- the summer for swimming, whilst tive, and that’s through comparing in winter it can freeze over. A vil- 2 life along the border lines, and why lage store, winery, bar - every need 3 not in a hidden sparkle on a gem of 4 is catered for. Buy fresh worms for civilised-yet-untrodden nature in the fishing, rent out tandems for hilar- Kongjian provide of Thailand? ious cycling fun, or enjoy one of the The green Moon river flows into beaches. the yellow Makong, and outdoor It’s sandy, it’s serene, take your four-poster beds of a luxurious but bucket and spade and you can pre- laughably cheap hotel resort provide tend you’re at the sea side. a view over the rivers and onto the James Pallister Laos border mountains. These moutains completely obliterate the man-made villages which lie amongst the tress with no electrici- 4. Tendaba Camp, The Gambia 5. Ohrid, Macedonia Macedonian-Australians, the rest of wonderfully warm lake as the bells ty, but plenty of Laos whiskey, Head through the Vardar the world appears to have passed of Sveti Pantelejmon provide a res- moulting chickens and smells of Valley from Skopje, and the beau- by historic Ohrid. Macedonia was onant bassline to the muezzin’s fried, salty river fish. tiful green mountains are studded barely affected by the post- howling, gazing across to the blue You can enjoy Thai massage, Laos with man-made blemishes. Yugoslav conflict, yet its location mountains of Albania – such are soup, hotel luxury, village poverty, Gostivar, Tetovo; litter-strewn con- at the heart of the turbulent the delights of Ohrid. In the river kayaking, golf, steamboats, crete abominations, hideous car- Balkans fools many a tourist into evening, take the evening korzo rowing, dirt-road and mountain bik- buncles on a lovely new-found steering clear. All the better for the (promenade), enjoyed by young ing, all on a small bit of land and wa- friend and an aspect on rest of us. and old alike, stopping for an ter, dividing the opulent Thailand Macedonia’s impoverished The Cyrillic alphabet was devised amino-acid injection at the open air and primitive Laos, in comparison. The jetty looks set to fall apart with Albanian community. here by the eponymous saint, and grills (mind the chillies – I nearly your first step onto it and the resi- South, though, lies Ohrid; its the town has been part of the Greek, passed out) and party the night dent crocodile can come as a surprise Unesco-listed old town tumbling Bulgarian, Ottoman and Serbian away with the effervescent and 6. Arisaig, Scotland as you look into its pen on your way down a steep hillside to meet a lake empires at various times, leading to polyglot Macedonians. Don’t miss back to your room at night. The con- of the same name – a perfect mar- eclectic culture and cuisine. this, the jewel of a much-maligned cept of health and safety may nev- riage of man and nature. While pop- Strolling the winding lanes from Balkan crown. er have reached The Tendaba Camp, ular with former Yugoslavs and church to church, swimming in the Andy MacDowall but that’s not surprising. With every kilometre the bus trav- els the potholes seem to grow bigger until the bus is driving on the dirt to avoid the road, and then it takes a Arisaig is an ideal base for hill walk- further 5km walk from the bus stop Andy MacDowall ing, or cruising expeditions to explore at Kwinella to your journey’s end. the nearby islands. There are numer- But this bungalow-village needs ous tracks and paths for walkers of all such a journey in order to achieve the abilities throughout the surrounding feeling of isolation it provides. countryside and seashores. An evening watching the sun sink The remains of a vitrified fort can into the River Gambia, surrounded be found nearby. Red deer, golden by little else but the pelicans fishing eagles or seals can sometimes be seen beneath the baobab tree as you dan- along the rugged coastline. gle your legs over the edge of the jet- There are daily sailings to the small ty and sip Jul brew (Gambia’s an- isles of Eigg and Muck from Arisaig, swer to own brand lager) is what with frequent sightings of whales, por- escapism is all about; far away from poises, and dolphins. the bustle of the capital and about as For golf enthusiasts, arguably the near to complete calm as you are most scenic nine hole course in Britain ever likely to be. is to be found at Traigh. Jenny Shaw Alasdair Ross EDITOR: RONOJOY DAM ARTS www.varsity.co.uk Jan 16, 2004 15 ARTS Land of Nope and Glory Ronojoy Dam and Andreas Wiseman look into the forward thinking of non-acceptance

‘And we give these awards meaning, Zephaniah views the Queen’s But we end up with no voice.’ ilson birthday honours as emblematic of a history of slavery ultimately sanc- ydia W Thus spake Benjanmin L tioned by the monarchy however Zephaniah in his poem Bought much has changed since then. and Sold, exposing what he sees Zephaniah’s rebuttal, rather than as the compromise of artistic in- solely harking on the negative lega- tegrity and political autonomy in cy of the former British Empire, is the acceptance of accolades that of a progressive and more con- awarded by the Establishment’s cerned with the need for change. "I annual awards system. am not one of those who are ob- Last month’s Whitehall leak of sessed with their roots," he asserts, more than 300 names who have re- "And I'm certainly not suffering fused various Royal honours is par- from a crisis of identity; my obses- ticularly striking considering how sion is about the future and the po- many of those are fundamental fig- litical rights of all people". As well ures in this country’s artistic make- as being engaged in a number of lo- up over the last century. These cal community projects and a tire- names include British cultural icons less campaigner for the rights of such as David Bowie, Graham those wrongfully jailed, Zephaniah Greene, David Hockney and Francis does much work for the state-run Bacon. The large number of high British Council, representing the profile artists refusing awards is tes- Britain he cherishes: "It is about tament to the gulf between the what happens in the streets of our Establishment and these luminaries, country and not in the Palace or which the government has previ- at Number Ten." Some however are ously refrained from publicizing. prepared to undermine what they Benjamin Zephaniah, in his own have previously stood firm against words, is ‘an angry, uneducated, in their creative output. ex-hustler, rebellious Rastafarian’ The Rolling Stones are a case in and one of the country’s leading point. The Stones were once count- poets. The maverick Zephaniah, er-culture heroes for a generation, who has spent time in jail as well epitomizing youthful anti-estab- as being nominated for Cambridge lishment rebellion. In the song Street and Oxford Fellowships, has al- Fighting Man, Jagger sang with in- ways viewed himself as a tent, Think the time is right for a spokesperson for the common man Palace Revolution". Think again. and his struggle against govern- It seems the "game of Compromise ment injustice. Zephaniah’s poet- Solution" got him in the end. Keith ry has been consistently eager to Richards, guitarist for the band, crit- represent the "wanderers and icized Jagger’s acceptance as a "sell workers - the heroes of the street" out" entering into a world he railed and modern urban life. His shun of against as a young man. There is an OBE last November has been something inherently farcical and another shot in the arm for the ridiculous in the irony surrounding Labour Government’s Cool such artists being offered these ho- Britannia project, which he and nours and even more so in their ac- others have distanced themselves ceptance. from as a forced charade superfi- Why has what seems like a roll cially giving the impression of be- call of British cultural figures cho- ing inclusive. Zephaniah’s actions sen not to accept awards from echo those of others in the past who Buckingham Palace? Does this 700- have seen the acceptance of such year old system still function as a honours as compromising them- credible way of recognizing artis- selves as artists. "The truth is I tic achievement and can it legiti- think OBEs compromise writers mately do so when that work is of and poets, and laureates suddenly a nature that is subversive and crit- go soft," Zephaniah says, " I want ical of the Government that offers to reach as many people as possi- OBEs or laureateships. I write for awards by the likes of J.G Ballard out in the name of a non-existent it? As the bamboozled Zepheniah ble without compromising the con- people. I write to connect with my- and Ken Loach are a political state- empire," said J.G. Ballard, who re- pointed out, "Me, OBE? Whoever tent of my work… I do not write self and to connect with people". ment in their own rights. jected a knighthood, "I can't take it is behind this offer can never have poems to win awards or to get The non-acceptance of such "Thousands of medals are given seriously". Like Ballard, read any of my work." MUSIC EDITOR: ELLEN E. JONES 16 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk This Is Not A Mingle King’s Mingle Thursday Dec 4th REVIEWS

Another term, and another King’s and Tappa, and the indie in the cel- mingle.THIS IS NOT A MINGLE lars run by CUR where they even Gary Jules,Trading Snakeoil For Wolftickets Jan 19th Adventure/Sanctuary claim the posters, but this one got people to dance to At The Michael Andrews,Donnie Darko Jan 19th Adventure/Sanctuary (Albums) did exactly what the Mingle does Drive-in. The good thing about the Two albums, one song. This week Gary ‘Mad World’ Jules tries to capitalise on his best: combining cheap drinks Mingle is that it’s small enough to Donnie Darko-induced success by releasing his album Trading Snakeoil For with some great music. always look crowded – this means Wolftickets, which sounds like Simon & Garfunkel playing acoustic country mu- There’s always that weird school a good atmosphere but it’s also sic (and not in a good way), but with Mad World stuck on the end. This track is also disco feel that seems to dog college useful for hiding from people you the only recognisable song featured on the Donnie Darko ‘music from the motion ents (partitions apparently made don’t want to talk to, or disguising picture’ CD, which has none of the classic 80s tracks (Joy Division, The Smiths) of bed-sheets, drinking from plas- your silly dancing in the Hip Hop that made the film so cool, but has all the scary atmospheric background music tic cups), but if you can handle that room. The bar involved fighting instead. Edwin Lane then the Mingle has the makings of your way past impossibly trendy a great night out. The music was types for a cheap vodka off the Kelis, Tasty Jan 19th Virgin (Album) typically diverse, with each of the THIS IS NOT A PRICE LIST price Mr and Mrs Nas would like us all to know they’re having loads of bloody great sex. four rooms playing different stuff. list (it only fooled me once), and The vengeful screeches of Caught Out There have been replaced by the boob-shaking, Kung Fu regular Mystro headlined some electro courtesy of Get The lollipop-licking, orgasmic moaning of a newly sexualised Kelis. Clearly Nas ain’t the the hip-hop Room while the bar Wow and Jollyboy Ram. jealous type because aside from his contribution to In Public, the album includes line up included every thing from At £10 a ticket it isn’t the cheap- flirtations with Hip Hop’s most eligible bachelors. The Neptunes get an unsuprising Funky house to funkier electro est night out, but if you’ve got the 5 production credits (none of which top the naughty-but-nice Milkshake) while on with a little bit of plain old funk spare cash at the end of the term, Millionare Andre ‘God’ 3000 uses spiralling DnB beats to demonstrate the proper con- thrown in for variety. then the Mingle is the place to jugation of hip-hop verbs (“I am rich, he is rich, she is rich, we is rich”). The closest Personal favourites were the spend it. This is one college ent that anyone not in Outkast has come to making progressive RnB. Lately. Ellen E. Jones awesome drum ‘n’ bass room fea- never fails to deliver. turing 1Xtra’s Bailey and Hektic Edwin Lane Joss Stone, Fell In Love With A Boy 26th Jan Virgin (Single) Covers aren’t what they used to be. In the old days, whenever anyone gave favourable mention to, say, Soft Cell’s Tainted Love, we’d all snigger for a while and then, with the kind of wisdom that only comes accompanied by a 6ft pile of NME back issues, we’d murmer “aah, but have you heard the original?” In these days of bootlegged, Beth Stratford remixed, chuckle-brothered madness, five mintues after the release of the White Stripes original it’s already deemed ripe for a soulful re-working in the remarkably youthful hands of Joss Stone. She’s only about nine (alright, sixteen, whatever) and already so well-respected that her backing band includes Philedelphia’s finest, Angie Stone and The Roots. Makes you feel old, doesn’t it. Ellen E.Jones

Ryan Adams, So Alive Jan 19th Lost Highway Records (Single) Most rock stars start off loud and angry and then mellow out in their old age. Ryan Adams seems to be doing the opposite. With this latest offering from his fourth solo album Rock ‘n’ Roll, he’s dropped the quiet country approach and gone all electric. So Alive sounds like the kind of record an optimistic 19 year-old would make. It sounds a lot like The Smiths combined with JJ72, and not at all like Ryan Adams. Some people would find it hard to switch styles so suddenly and completely, Adams’ secret is that he does it so very well. Edwin Lane

MUSICAL The Akira Guide To Student Bands RESOLUTIONS 2004

In the very first issue of this edi- Joel: No, that’s a boring story. Make 4) Pick a Genre And Stick To It where we were trying to marry punk 1)“Erm... I’m going to try and stop torship, Varsity Music ran an ar- up an interesting story. Sarah: Well it started off as ‘yeah and post rock. secretly listening to Heart FM” (Lily ticle entitled ‘Cambridge Music Sarah: So, Joel was losing his virgin- maaan, we’re post rock’ , but it turns Joel: It wasn’t a marriage. It was more Scott, 2nd Year History) Scene? What Music Scene?’ This ity and he’d just seen Akira [influ- out that we all secretly want to be pop like sexual harassment. final week, in a rather triumphant ential Manga film] and he screamed stars. Gbenga: We were trying to bullyram 2) “I should probably stop pre- example of cause and (long over- out Akira!! Joel: We’re actually getting more post-rock. tending I’m a DJ” (Gareth Hilton, due) effect, Varsity introduces an ‘poppy’ sounding. 1st Year Natural Sciences ) occassional series interviewing 2) Keep Your Press Simple Sarah: I think we’re just getting bet- The Akira EP Selections in Modern student and local bands. If the Varsity: Can you describe the Akira ter at writing structured songs. When Music is probably available from their 3) “This year I’m giving up making scene exists , we’re damn sure sound in…er…eight words. we first started writing, our songs very impressive website www.akira- mix tapes and burning CDs in or- gonna find it.This week Ellen E. Sarah: Loud, loud, loud, loud, loud, were just barren landscapes of post- band.com der to impress people. They never Jones speaks to King’s based post- loud, loud, feedback. Can we have rock with the odd twinkle here and appreciate it” (Gemma Corbett, 1st rockers, Akira, and picks up some nine? there. You can see Akira for yourself at Clare Year English) tips on how to rock out - under- Varsity: Yeah, go on then. Gbenga: That’s kind of a harsh as- Cellars 30th January, and the Portland grad style. Sarah: Loud. sessment. We did have a lot of songs Arms on the 16th Feb. 4)“I’ve got a bad habit of judging Gbenga: Basically we’re of the opin- people by their taste in music. But

1) Practice Self Mythologising ion that when people hear about us egg last year I met some quite nice Gbenga: It wasn’t the first time I met and hear our music, they’ll think Coldplay fans” (Julian Rittori, 1st Joel, but in my mental rewriting of we’re good. Year French and German) history, the first time I met Joel he was Stacey Gr walking around the bar asking peo- 3) Be Your Own Publicity Machine 5)“I’ve got to stop writing song- ple if they liked Godspeed You Black Varsity: Is your DIY approach to pub- lyrics on my folder and trainers” Emperor and I was the last person he licity part of the Akira ethos? (Bhavin Upahdyay, 3rd Year Law) was going to ask before he started just Sarah: It’s just because we haven’t talking to himself. been signed yet. As soon as someone 6) “I’m going to memorise the lyrics Varsity: Would you like to explain the gives us money, we’ll get someone to every single track on The origin of the name Akira again, else to do it. Blueprint [seminal JayZ album]” please? Joel: No, no, no! I’d like to keep a (Joe Baker, 2nd Year Maths) [Gbenga starts to explain] hand in. EDITORS:A C BERWICK & O TILLEY FILM www.varsity.co.uk Jan 16, 2004 17 Go ahead, punk: Rate My Ring So, cool or crap? Our men take a look at the biggest thing since The Ord. Judging by the hyperbole, this does not quite represent the harrow- The Darkness really should have ty and fantasy, in a manner that allows been straight up, and I suspect he film was set to be an era defining ing task from which he suffers, while been Christmas Number One. fully grown men with more piercings still isn’t. piece of art, the Star Wars of our Sean Astin (Sam) appears unable to Musical arguments aside, the fact than a blind knife-thrower’s assistant The special effects may have im- generation: I am prone to react exert any facial expression beyond a remains that they have mastered to take off their shoe and play air gui- proved since his early days, and the against this kind of ardent praise mild cringe. Moreover, structurally the central element of much of tar like the town drunk. Happily, Lord likes of Braindead (replete with rat- with cynical resistance and this there is (without wishing to spoil the the great art of the last few cen- of the Rings also has this quality. monkeys and zombie fornication), was no exception. film in the unlikelihood that you turies: a sense of controlled am- It is easy to pick holes: the dia- yet even the The Return of the King re- Let us establish that, yes, the cine- haven’t seen it) an unforgivably ham- biguity. It is dangerous to dismiss logue is often facile (“I will not say: tains a whiff of the ridiculous (not matography is awesome, the SFX and fisted ending seeping with saccharine them as novelty, as the possibili- do not weep: for not all tears are an least in the repeated failure to end CGI groundbreaking and the battle se- twaddle and dismantling any resid- ty remains that they are patho- evil”), and there are enough pan- the film, much to the horror of the quences are excellently handled; this ual tension or emotional involvement. logically sincere. pipes to stock a decent-sized new age primary school kids in the audience), is beyond reasonable dispute: Jackson Some critics have attempted to at- Their credibility lies between reali- boutique. Yet Jackson has never quite and also a scent of the sublime. has rendered a seemingly intractable tach wider significance, suggesting Technically, Jackson et al must be ad- landscape and context into a living, for instance that it discourses well mired for reducing 400-odd pages of breathing, beautiful film. on friendship and Manichaean soci- periphrastic, pseudo-Biblical prose to Fundamentally, though, the viewer ety, yet really all we have is a cele- a script that might stretch to 400 words, needs more than simple eye-candy. bration of war, nationalism and and furthermore for the camera work The key problem is the adaptation of monarchy, with lashings of implicit and impressively ponderous pauses a prolix, detailed book into 3 hours racism (the elephant-mounted Arabs that just about make it intelligible. of filming time, much of it comprising are equated with semi-human beasts Unsurprisingly, battle scenes are lengthy action sequences. Such a skele- in fighting along side them). wonderfully-executed, and New tal script naturally leaves character de- The Return of the King is a significant Zealand remains breath-takingly velopment at a premium and the improvement on the first and second beautiful. Yet I suspect that, when it viewer is left indifferent to the fate of instalments of the trilogy and it does comes to the pompous, the heavily- these cardboard cut-outs. work as pure escapism; to suggest stylised, and lots of latex, it all depends This problem is then compounded that it does anything more than this on whether you are willing to believe; by the often ineffectual acting: Elijah though, is surely misguided. whether it be in Father Christmas, Wood’s (Frodo) seemingly un- .image.net Gandalf - or even in a thing called love. changeable look of mild constipation Oliver Tilley www A C Berwick Confused? Be (a film) buff in 15 minutes with Varsity...

COMEDIES FOREIGN MUSICALS TEEN HORROR

This is Spinal Tap – 1984 – Rob Battleship Potemkin – 1925 – The Sound Of Music - 1965 - Rebel Without A Cause - 1955 - Alien – 1979 – Ridley Scott. Reiner. Sergei Eisenstein. Robert Wise. Nicholas Ray. Classic: the chest-ripper qualifies as The definitive ‘Rockumentary’, im- This influential classic popularised This gave us so much, Julie Andrews, “You’re tearing me apart.” Single- era-defining. Sigourney Weaver run- itated by The Darkness and the in- Eisenstein’s revolutionary montage 'Do, Re, Mi' and the knowledge that handedly invented ‘the teenager’ and ning about in a vest and shorts, how- spiration for such spoof documen- technique. curtains can make stylish clothes in Jimmy Dean provided a teen icon ever, does not. taries as The Office and I’m Alan for all your family! A truly heart for all time. Partridge. 8 and a Half – 1963 – Frederico warming classic. Evil Dead II – 1987 – Sam Raimi. Fellini. The Breakfast Club - 1985 - John High Fidelity: His Girl Friday – 1940 – Howard Fellini’s masterpiece, 8 and a Half West Side Story - 1961 - Jerome Hughes. John Cusack: If I said: “I haven’t Hawkes. is a hallucinogenic exploration of Robbins and Robert Wise. Teen film God John Hughes’ defini- seen Evil Dead II yet,” what would Fizzing, wise-cracking and impos- the mind and the creative spirit. Inspired by Romeo and Juliet, this is as tive movie, marking out adolescence you say? sibly fast comedy with Cary Grant famous for its dancing as its singing as a shared rather than divisive ex- Jack Black: I’d say you were a cin- and Rosalind Russell at their caus- La Règle du Jeu – 1939 – Jean through the tale of 'star crossed lovers' perience of insecurities and concerns. ematic idiot and I feel sorry for you. tic best. Renoir. Maria and Tony. ‘nuff said. An uproarious representation of Kids - 1995 - Larry Clark. Manhattan – 1979 – Woody aristocratic France before the on- On The Town - 1949 - Stanley The film that made Chloe Sevigny an Cannibal Holocaust – 1980 – Allen. slaught of war, this is wonderfully Donen and Gene Kelly. indie darling forever, Kids is grimy, Ruggero Deodato. Allen’s elegy to New York, inim- chaotic from start to finish. This is lesser known but nonetheless disturbing and unapologetically real. Among the highlights is a mother itable social observation with a enchanting, funny and begs you to being stoned to death after her new- sumptuous Gershwin score. Aguirre, Wrath of God – 1972 – sing along; just the way a musical Heathers - 1989 - Michael born baby is buried alive. Werner Herzog. should be! Lehmann. Castration too. Tops. Monty Python’s Life of Brian – Shot in the sweltering Peruvian jun- Winona Ryder and Christian Slater 1979 – Terry Jones. gle, this 16th Century drama of Grease - 1978 - Randal Kleiser. were the perfect partnership in this Braindead – 1992 – Peter Jackson. Hilarious and at times bizarre bib- tyranny and power has Klaus This is a coming of age tale, popular heuristic black comedy about hor- Rat-monkeys! Zombie fornication! lical pastiche from the Cambridge Kinski at his hypnotic best. since its release. Sandy and Danny monal alienation. Hurrah! Footlights alumni. lead the cast in this undeniably ex- The Seven Samurai – 1954 – cellent classic. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off - 1986 - Bad Taste – 1987 – Peter Jackson. Some Like it Hot - 1959 - Billy Akira Kurosawa. John Hughes. An amusing movie centring around Wilder. this is an epic of balanced filming, Chicago - 2002 - Rob Marshall. Bunking off school to cruise in a red an A-Team like pursuit of a group of Achingly funny cross-dressing combining character pathos with Catherine Zeta-Jones et alia lead the Ferrari with a gorgeous girl… an in- aliens that appear to live in the Little romp, with a show-stopping turn battle scenes to which all subse- cast through this frothy, tap dancing, spirational hero of ingenuity and risk House on the Prairie, which also from Jack Lemmon. quent war films are indebted. yet somehow gritty tale. for kids everywhere. happens to be a spaceship. OT OT Clare Geraghty Ronojoy Dam Ross Thompson & ACB FILM/THEATRE EDITORS:A C BERWICK & O TILLEY 18 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Can’t find something? Lost on me!

I liked Lost in Translation. But movie: ‘film’. Lost in Translation is College films? Ask Varsity... that shouldn’t surprise you. It’s definitely a film. And anything that already been nominated for takes itself that seriously should “Whasssup”, went the catch- Many of last year’s hits – Pirates So, Christ’s and John’s form a umpteen Golden Globes, and the have more than two three-dimen- phrase from the memorable of the Carribean, Finding Nemo, Kill nice partnership - Sir Clive New York Times couldn’t think of sional characters. But Charlotte’s Budweiser advert of yesteryear, Bill: Volume 1 – get an outing, al- Woodward and Jonny Wilkinson, a bad thing to say about it. I can, husband is a phony, Bob’s wife a and it is a sentiment that seems though surprisingly the critically- if you will - whilst Robinson bring but back to that in a minute. shrew. Anna Faris’s ditzy starlet on rather apt when faced with a rain- acclaimed Mystic River only gets one up the rear like, well, Kilroy. Lost in Translation is the story of the promotion circuit is very funny, forest-incineratingly awesome shot (Christ’s, Feb 29th), and the However, it must be said that it Bob (Bill Murray), an aging movie but still a stereotype. pile of flyers advertising college equally well-received Adaptation would be nice if we didn’t have star in Tokyo filming a whisky com- The film’s portrayal of the films for this term. Happily, is similarly conspicuous by its ab- quite so many clashes, and if one mercial, and Charlotte (Scarlett Japanese is even worse: each and Varsity is here to help. sence, with its only appearance at society could really stick its neck Johansson), an American whose every one is played for laughs, Probably the most impressively (Robinson, February 12th) being the on the line; several cinematic land- photographer husband is in town on whether they be zany talk show balanced termcard belongs to redeeming feature of a Robinson marks – Battleship Potemkin and the business. They meet in the dreary bar hosts or overly exuberant prostitutes. Christ’s, who have some corkers. termcard that inexplicably includes French New-Wave, for instance – at their equally dreary hotel, and By the end I felt ashamed to be Therein I would include Duck Soup both American Wedding (American are elided completely, whilst we make an immediate connection. watching what was not, as Roger (5th Feb), Stand by Me (22nd Jan) and, Pie 3) and Legally Blonde 2. If you get Grease twice. New Year’s That’s about it. Ebert called it, a “comedy of man- in a canny move, Casablanca down would like to see those, then look Resolutions, anyone? This is not to say that I object to ners”, but rather something resem- for Valentine’s day smooching (12th up the dates yourself. AC B movies where nothing happens. bling Bernard Manning on speed. Feb). It is Calendar Girls, however, Quality entertainment doesn’t re- I did like most of it. Bill Murray which appears to be all over St. quire explosions, set changes or was as wonderful as always: under- Valentine like a nasty old lady rash, even much of a plot. But the fun- stated and devastatingly endearing. making appearances at Queens’ and damental rule for storytelling is I did not expect to be impressed by Caius on the 12th Feb, and John’s on that the main character has to ingénue-of-the-month Johansson, the 8th. change. It doesn’t have to be a good but I was. She was only seventeen Another certainly brilliant film change, it doesn’t have to be a ma- when she started filming this movie, to assume ubiquity is last year’s jor change, but he/she cannot be but exudes maturity. I can certainly City of God which hits Christ’s first the same person that he/she was see why the critics loved it. They (Jan 18th) and then Caius and at the beginning. And neither Bob watch so much drivel that anything Queens’ on the same night(Feb nor Charlotte undergoes a trans- without a car chase must seem like 5th). However, it is John’s that are formation, has an epiphany, or the next Casablanca. But subtlety and investing most in foreign talent, even makes a decision. This is ma- restraint alone do not a great movie with Open your Eyes (5th Feb) and jor flaw number one. make. The Time of the Wolf (4th March) .image.net Major flaw number two is every- both showing their faces. www one else in the movie. No, not Carrie English Dido he? Didon’t he? Blood, sweat, poetry Student opera is a rare beast, but The set design was stylish and the a splendid example was sighted music tremendous. It was a very ac- Longer and stronger than your

at the exotic habitat of the ADC complished production and hope- average ADC late show, Bloody ADC theatre at the end of last term. fully it will encourage more students Poetry is an age-old tale of sea- Ideally suited to the late slot at the to take on the arduous but reward- sides and suicides, wrapped ADC, Purcell’s Dido and Aeneas dis- ing task of producing an opera in around an even older boy- tils all the brimming, soap opera Cambridge. meets-girls motif. emotion of Book 4 of the Aeneid into Poet and asshole Lord Byron a wonderful tear-jerking sixty min- Alice Fordham (Ollie Rickman) is a compelling fig- utes in which we follow the fate of ure, buoyed by brandy burps and our heroine from love and forebod- bubbling with the yeasty energy of ing to abandonment and death. STDs. Percy Bysshe Shelley Andrew Ormerod’s deft produc- (Danny O’Conner) is Byron’s re- tion enraptured an audience who served but revolutionary friend. were perhaps, like me, a little jaded Christine Twite and Laura Stewart and week 8 blues-ish, and emerged have a potent rapport as Claire all weepy and romantic into the Clairemont and Mary Shelley (née night air. Godwin), the women imposed The singing, I was assured by my upon to bear these men’s poetry chorister friend, was technically ex- and their children, while Russell tremely impressive, especially giv- Bender and Jo Mortimer give ca- en the youth of the performers. To pable performances in difficult me, although no chorister, the per- smaller roles, Bender as a disgust- formances were breathtaking. ing little man, and Mortimer as one Clare Buckley as Belinda, Dido’s of best Ophelias I’ve ever seen. confidante, with whom the heroine Most prominently, there is sex; duets, made very complex passages but there is also politics, poetry, phi- sound natural and flowing, and losophy and sailing. One high point “What do you think of my prosthetic hand, then?” Andrew Davies’s representation of is a spot of living room pot-holing chicken with a tempest) and the especially as groupies, paparazzi Purcell’s strutting Aeneas was a joy. incorporating Plato, shadow pup- women suffering back home, kick- and the commodification of revo- Amy Carson as Dido was a deep, petry and all the disturbing me- ing up a fuss about piles of laun- lution begin to intensify the sporad- honeysweet delight; her voice and thodical-but-manic cruelty of a dry, or a couple of dead children. ically modern feel. performance evoked the dignity, triage doctor scrawling willies on Previously, oft-times writhing ho’ The staging was sparse but care- fear and deep emotion of Dido sym- the foreheads of morphine-starved Mary Godwin has come across as the fully handled, with a lot of atmos- pathetically. There were some oth- gut-shot marines. most powerful and sympathetic in- phere achieved by sound effects. er fine performances as foils to this od Towards its end, the play fades a tellect on the stage, so it is slightly Characters made plenty of mistakes, talented trio; the shrieking witch- few hues into a familiar familial fa- disappointing to see Mrs. Shelley be- but the actors didn’t make any; es and the boozy sailors were re- ble about boys and their toys come the pawn of a heavy-handed Bloody Poetry is polished, clever and spectively chilling and raucous, and ew Ormer (liquor, ladies, revolution and the feminism. But the acting is still rich, sexy, and well worth seeing. both quite fun, really. Andr occasional transcendental game of and the new moral force interesting, Jow Lindsay EDITOR: ELAINE TIERNEY LITERATURE www.varsity.co.uk Jan 16, 2004 19 Too hip to be square

‘Dylan’s Visions Of Sin’ by ‘the right handle to take hold of the Sanctimonious reviewers have tut- ly playful: ‘absolutely imperative not gratuitous. The song does Christopher Ricks bundle’, allowing Ricks to perform tutted at his propensity for pun- (given the absence of a comma be- sound as a warning to square peo- “If a great song of Bob Dylan’s is not his magic on the lyrics. There are ning. Too intellectual for some, too fore “people”), the apostrophe in ple who criticize what they can’t literature,” Christopher Ricks once re- occasional cheap tricks. Listing frivolous for others – what a fix “’round”. [Square people, stay understand and who can’t accept marked, “that is only because its medi- words or sounds that appear both Ricks is in! This, a footnote to right where you are].’ It’s outra- the inevitability of change. If the um is not words alone.” As a literary in a poem and a Dylan song, claim- ‘Come gather ’round people’, geous, no question, especially stuck pun doesn’t quite work it’s because critic, albeit an ingenious one with a ing that the poem is ‘not a source, shows him at his most dexterous- up in those square brackets. But it’s it’s the square people who really sensitive ear for the way Dylan sings but an analogue’, is limitedly use- ought to gather round and listen to his songs, Professor Ricks’s medium ful. But many of the close readings what Dylan has to say, rather than is words alone, and in this book he conjures up more than compen- those who are already well round- imagn.net Dylan’s songs are treated as literature, sate. One of the best is his obser- ed. But at least it reminds us that worthy of comparison with the King vation that when Hattie Carroll, serious literary criticism can (even James Bible, and the poetry of Milton, whose name has a feminine end- should) be fun. Keats, Tennyson, and Eliot. The book ing, is ‘slain by a cane’ the cadence One of the book’s endearing, if will annoy (has annoyed) those who of the verses is broken: ‘something uncritical, qualities is Ricks’s self- can’t dissociate Dylan’s words from – a life – is cut short… and this consciousness about seeming his voice and music, and those who without the song’s having to melo- square. In fact, we learn a great deal think he’s too hip to be subjected to dramatize it’. Ricks is also won- about him: he doesn’t like people this kind of close scrutiny. But it will derfully attuned to Dylan’s “per- who sing along at concerts; he’s an excite those who have longed for a pi- petual slight alteration of atheist; he tries to be magnanimous oneering book-length attempt to jus- language” (T. S. Eliot’s phrase). about others discovering allusions tify the claims that have been made for And then there’s the linguistic leg- before him (but also tries to better Dylan’s lyrics, not to mention Ricks’s erdemain. At the end of Boots of them). Above all, he is generous to- own fans (yes, he has them too). Spanish Leather, for example, the wards his subject – perhaps, in this Ricks bases his chapters woman is ‘asked to give [the man] case, too generous. One could be on the seven deadly sins, consid- the boots, having previously given forgiven for suspecting that he ering how Dylan’s songs evoke him the boot.’ Or, in the second line prefers Dylan to the unquestionably them yet resist succumbing to of Gotta Serve Somebody, we find great poets he has previously writ- them, and counters them with “gamble” making ‘its way smil- ten on, so little does he criticize him. chapters on the four cardinal ingly across to “dance” on the arm In giving so much of his own per- virtues and three heavenly graces. of gambol’. sonality, Ricks has written a book It’s a clever structuring principle, But not everyone is willing to that might better be read as his own and sin is undoubtedly central to gambol with Ricks, and asking artistic response to Bob Dylan than Dylan’s work, but it’s also simply them to do so is a gamble. as a work of criticism. Write to be read Try it - you might like it James Purdon wants your attention Catherine Murray-Browne is pleased by poetry

fied look and feel will refelect the sim- Unlike novels, poetry has got less Shakespeare never can be - you’re a plicity and clarity of its purpose: to ac- and less important. Chaucer is pret- little bit closer to understanding the cept and select the very best of prose ty important, Shakespeare is very im- culture in which the poetry is being fiction and poetry, written by students portant, Milton, Keats and Coleridge written. Try to read Milton in the in Oxford and in Cambridge, and to are also important. Past Yeats and mindset of his contemporaries and publish it. With funding from major Eliot, we’re struggling slightly. Plath you’ll never quite make it. Read publishing houses and the support of and Hughes are better known for contemporary poetry and there’s no a major respected London literary their Hollywood tragedy than what leap of the imagination. You are the agency, The Mays has quickly estab- they wrote (as if being suicidal made reader it’s been written for. lished itself as an respected important your verse interesting). Hence The The T. S. Eliot Prize for the best and successful literary publication. Birthday Letters was Hughes’s best book of poetry published in 2003 is Zadie Smith is one you’ll know. Jay Copies are routinely distributed to selling volume. being awarded on 19th January. To Basu, Sophie Powell: those are agents and publishers across the coun- The problem self-perpetuates. try and sum up the ten shortlisted names you might have heard, au- try, and sell in bookshops around Studying contemporary poetry in volumes in such little space is futile thors you might have read.All three Cambridge, Oxford and London. Cambridge is confined to the post- and all the works are unique. But have had critical and popular ac- The reputation for fresh, chal- 1979 paper - how would you know they all include poetry of an excep- claim, widely published novels and lenging writing which The Mays has you wanted to take it if you hadn’t tionally high standard and do what literary success. We found them. established, along with its record studied any for the first two years of good contemporary poetry should: For the last twelve years, the editors of selecting promising authors, pro- your degree? Poetry sections in book- transform a world we recognise into of The Mays have been publishing the vides a real opportunity for quali- shops are dwarfish and incomplete something ethereal, whether it’s THE SHORTLIST best new writing from Oxford and ty student writing to reach a wide because so few people want to buy Jean Sprackland’s jellyfish lying Cambridge. In the past, the anthology audience within and without poetry - why would they if they’ve “like saints/unharvested, lumi- Billy Collins, Nine Horses has included early, groundbreaking University circles. Submissions of never noticed the poetry section? nous” or Jamie McKendrick’s re- John F Deane, Manhandling the Deity work by some of the country’s most poetry and prose fiction, up to 5000 I’m not going to say that Bob flections in the Grand Canal, “fat Ian Duhig, The Lammas Hireling successful young writers, selected and words, are encouraged, and should Dylan is better than Keats or that oily squiggles straight from the Lavinia Greenlaw, Minsk edited by respected writers. The list of be sent in .doc or .txt format to Paul Muldoon is better than Milton. tube.” All are worth reading (though Jamie McKnedrick, Inkstone former guest editors reads like a liter- [email protected]. Typescripts, Cross-chronological comparisons I can’t resist making special recom- ary hall of fame, with luminaries such should you prefer, can be left with in terms of merit are essentially re- mendations of Don Paterson, Lavina Bernard O’Donoghue, Outliving as Seamus Heaney, Paul Muldoon, James Purdon (poetry) or Mark ductive. But you should be inter- Greenlaw and Bernard Don Paterson, Landing Light Sebastian Faulks and Ted Hughes hav- Richards (prose) at Emmanuel ested in, or at least aware, of what O’Donaghue). Take this opportu- Jacob Polley, The Brink ing taken on the role in recent years. College. Documentary photogra- is being written today simply be- nity to open a previously closed Christopher Reid, For and After This month sees the announcement phy is also invited. cause it is being written for you. book. And you might just like it. Jean Sprackland, Hard Water of Mays 12, the current volume, to be Final date for submissions: 23rd This is what makes contemporary published in the summer. Its simpli- January. poetry exciting in a way that The Shortlist SPORT EDITORS: SHANAZ MUSAFER AND ALEX DRYSDALE 20 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Christ’s put in ‘Demon’ display COLLEGE SPORT IN BRIEF

Women’s Hockey Plate Jon Farrant The Jesus women’s hockey second team pulled off one of the greatest cup upsets in recent years, when they ousted on penalties a Queens’ first team which was expected to win the Plate competition. Queens’, whose team included a number of university players, found themselves up against a Jesus side who could only muster ten players. Queens’ came out strong- ly, but were frustrated by a combination of gutsy defending, dubious ref- ereeing, and Jesus’ grass playing surface. The pitch may have been a lev- eller, but definitely was not level.

Jesus grew in confidence, despite a large amount of abuse emanating from the touchline. Come half time, they had survived several close shaves, and keeper Lisa Grimes had provided a hint of what was to come with a number of important saves. While Queens’ took on board their half time drinks, Jesus were on the phone desperately seeking an eleventh play- er. The second half proved even scrappier than the first, with chances proving difficult to come by. Captain Hannah Burns proved influential in Jesus’ battling midfield, while Alex Mullen marshalled a defence which, despite a few scares, was able to deal with most of Queens’ attacks. As the match meandered towards penalties, Queens’ made a final push, but a huge goalmouth melee was as close as they came. Christ’s celebrate their first Cuppers victory in three years after a thrilling penalty shoot-out stranded keeper. The Christ’s fans, who were out The tense penalty shootout included a number of imitations of David COLLEGE FOOTBALL Both teams looked slightly jittery in force, watched with bated breath Beckham against Turkey. Eventually, deep into sudden death with the as the match entered extra time, as Darwin’s designated takers five score at 2-2, Claire Singleton claimed the glory for Jesus, showing that Shanaz Musafer with Christ’s having to readjust fol- times gained the advantage and only the English are traditionally lame at penalties. Playing hockey for lowing the departure of Falcons vice Christ’s five times drew level. the third time in her life, she clinically sent the ball into the net, and Jesus Third division Christ’s caused the captain Jamie Brown in an ambu- Sudden death was upon us and it to a famous victory. first major upset of this year’s lance to Addenbrooke’s. However, was hard to tell who was more tense, Cuppers competition by beating Chris Turnbull continued to mar- the players or the supporters. The Men’s Hockey Division One challengers Darwin shal the defence superbly, and with pressure was to prove too much for in a nail biting penalty shoot-out. their full backs breaking forward at Darwin though, as it was now up to John’s saw their title ambitions dented as they were held to a 4-4 draw In blustery conditions, three of any given opportunity, Christ’s the players who had not volunteered by Cam City. They now slip behind Jesus and Caius in pursuit of Adam the four goals came when the re- looked far the more likely team to to take a penalty in the first place. Brown’s all-conquering Magdalene side. Christ’s continue to domi- spective attacking side had the wind claim the win. The first man to step up for the grads nate Division Two under the captaincy of Duncan Smith (not Iain, the behind them. Christ’s rightfully took Hence it was no surprise when they could do nothing but stand and failed Tory leader). the lead in the first half when Tim went in front for the second time with watch in horror as his kick ballooned ‘Demon’ Muttukumaru broke free a carbon copy of their first goal, once Waddle-esque over the bar. Men’s Football Roundup of the Darwin defence and shot low again scored by Muttukumaru. But there was still a job to be done to beat the keeper. Indeed Darwin refused to roll over, for Christ’s and first year substitute Men’s football gets back underway this week. Davey Mills’ Catz side has Muttukumaru’s pace was some- though, and nervous defending in the Simon Bulley made himself an instant the only one hundred percent record in Division One, although they have thing that Darwin failed to get to Christ’s penalty area allowed Geoff hero by stroking the ball calmly into yet to play John’s, Girton and Jesus, who look best placed in pursuit. They grips with throughout the match. Battye in to equalise. With neither the net. Christ’s now face local rivals did, however, achieve the near-impossible by playing a match against Darwin were lucky to go in at team taking any undue risks in the Jesus in the last sixteen. Long Road, which they won 2-1. the break only one goal down, and second half, the game looked in- This year’s first round of Cuppers were even more fortunate when creasingly like it would be decided was treated to not just one, but two Churchill and Caius occupy the top spots in Division Two, but if Matt they equalised in the second half. by penalties. However, with five min- penalty shoot-outs. Emma were Sadler’s Robinson find the form to emulate the quality of their stash then Christ’s goalkeeper David utes to go, Muttukumaru found him- pushed all the way by third division they should stand a strong chance. An honourable mention should go to Beacham’s attempted clearance self clean through on goal for a third APU, the match finishing 2-2 after ex- Queens’ who won their first point in a year and a half with a 2-2 draw struck a defender and fell to the un- time but his chance of a hat-trick dis- tra time. Second division Emma edged against Robinson. In Division Three, Sidney, APU, Christ’s and Hills Road marked Jez Moloney, who pro- appeared as the ball was parried the shoot-out 8-7 and will play Sidney are engaged in a fascinating struggle for the two promotion spots. duced a clinical finish to lob the away for a corner. So penalties it was. in the next round. Special Cuppers Results and Fixtures Section Men’s Football Women’s Football Men’s Hockey Women’s Hockey Second round draw

First round results First round draw Second round results First round results Jesus I v Caius Catz I v Homerton APU 2 Emma 2 aet. Darwin v Trinity Downing 3 Christ’s 4 Jesus I bye Churchill v APU Emma win 8-7 on pens Peterhouse v Girton Churchill 1 Sidney 3 Caius 5 New Hall 1 John’s v Robinson Sidney 1 CCCC 0 Robinson-Selwyn v Sidney I Pembroke 3 Emma 0 Catz I 8 Queens’ 0 Girton/Jesus II v Tit Hall Pembroke 0 Jesus 5 Sidney II v Pembroke John’s 3 Catz 6 Homerton bye Magdalene v Fitz/Catz II Darwin 2 Christ’s 2 aet. Clare v Emma Robinson 7 APU 2 Churchill 2 Corpus- Emma v Newnham Christ’s win 6-5 on pens Fitz I v Newnham Caius 2 Trinity 0 Peterhouse 0 Downing v Pembroke Downing 5 Homerton 1 Homerton v Corpus Magdalene 2 Clare 0 APU bye Peterhouse 2 Long Road 7 Christ’s v St Edmunds Jesus 4 Queens’ 0 Selwyn 0 John’s 2 Men’s Football Clare 1 Trinity 2 King’s v John’s Robinson 6 Sidney 0 Second round draw John’s 5 Queens’ 0 Downing v Catz II Quarter final draw Girton Jesus II CFTC 0 Girton 14 Caius v Jesus Tit Hall 6 Clare 0 Emma v Sidney Robinson 5 CCSS 2 Churchill v Queens’ I Christ’s v Sidney Magdalene bye Jesus v Christ’s King’s 0 Hills Road 3 Tit Hall I v Catz I Pembroke v Catz Fitz Catz II Downing v Long Road Magdalene 0 Catz 4 Queens’ II v Magdalene Robinson v Caius Emma 6 Christ’s 0 Trinity v John’s Churchill 2 Caius 1 Fitz II v Tit Hall II Magdalene v Jesus Newnham bye Girton v Robinson Selwyn 0 Fitz 1 Downing 1 Trinity 0 Hills Road v Catz Hughes Hall bye Games to be played as soon as possi- Quarter final matches to be played Pembroke bye Churchill v Fitz Tit Hall bt Corpus (w/o) ble after beginning of term by January 25th Hughes Hall v Tit Hall

EDITORS: SHANAZ MUSAFER AND ALEX DRYSDALE SPORT www.varsity.co.uk Jan 16, 2004 21 Varsity Ski Trip sees Cambridge lose

gate time. By the end of the event VARSITY SKIING each team must have at least four aggregate times for both Slalom Elizabeth Blakeway and and Giant Slalom. A final time for Chris Aylard each University team based on its

fastest four finishers is then calcu- Grace Ofori-Attah Skiing….snowy mountains, blue lated to decide the outcome of the skies, mulled wine, cold beer Varsity Ski Races. and hot chocolate, yeah? Well, So to this year... In early for a somewhat mad bunch, sub- December, upon arrival of the stitute Welwyn dry ski slope, Varsity Trip Committee, the ‘Ski rain and wind, cheap plonk and Circus’ fondly known as Saalbach- frequent curries for the afore- Hinterglemm was looking more like mentioned. the Pennines than an Austrian win- CUSSC, the Cambridge Ski and ter ski resort! However, trippers Snowboard Club, train weekly were being bussed to the nearby throughout term, with the aim of Kaprun glacier, where, thankfully, beating Oxford (and everyone else) there was plenty of that white stuff in the various University league to be had! The majority of Oxbridge races throughout the year. race training took place there under However, the main aim of all fortuitously blue skies. Oxbridge sport is its Varsity com- However, this was not to be for petition, which, for skiing, is held long. One flügerl-filled night the annually during the second week heavens opened and before we of the Varsity Trip. knew it we were in for a 48-hour Some background first: the dump of snow. The Varsity races Varsity Ski Races (the oldest team were now ironically postponed and ski races in the world) comprise out came the snowboards as the re- The Blues skiers take time out from training in Saalbach-Hinterglemm, the venue of the 2003 Varsity Ski Trip two disciplines; Slalom and Giant sort rapidly veered ‘off piste’. internationals in both Blues teams, Individual mentions should go to New Hall, Sarah Taylor - Girton, Slalom. Both Cambridge and Finally, with the skies under left Cambridge’s prospects of a win Jo Faurewalker and Chris Aylard Judith Schleicher - St John’s. Oxford aim to have Ladies’ and control and pistes bashed, the looking bleak. for Cambridge’s best individual Mens Blues: Daniel Holyoake - Men’s first and second teams, each Varsity Races commenced. Team Sadly, Oxford took all the hon- performances. Downing (c), Chris Aylard - Caius, consisting of six members. Every trials took place on the crisp morn- ours, with the exception of the Ladies Blues: Elizabeth Blakeway Chris Caulkin - Girton, Alistair team member tackles each disci- ing of Wednesday 17th December, Ladies 2nds competition where - Newnham (c), Jo Faurewalker - French - Magdalene, George Herd - pline twice and is expected to com- with the respective captains look- Cambridge’s girls fought their way Jesus, Pippa Hemmings - Caius, Henry Jeens – Magdalene, plete both runs to gain an aggre- ing for new talent. Oxford, having to victory by the closest of margins. Fitzwilliam, Laura MacDonald - Maxim Littek - Wolfson.

Careers Service INDUSTRY MEANS BUSINESS Wednesday 21 January 2004 6pm – 9pm at the University Centre, Mill Lane This event aims to dispel the myths and focus on the real jobs graduates do in industry and commerce

An opportunity to: Business areas include:

Talk to representatives from a number of major companies C Making your Product (incl. Supply Chain) Discuss their work C Moving your Product (Marketing & Customer Management) Consider various career paths C New & Improved Products (Innovation, R&D, Quality Control) Win a fabulous meal for two at the Riverside Restaurant Selling your Product (Sales) Attend talks given by leading experts from industry C Enjoy light refreshments C Managing your Team (HR and Communications) Discuss your options with Cambridge’s C Monitoring your Product (IT) Careers Advisers C Financing your Business (Accounting & Finance)

Meet graduates working at BP, Data Connection, ExxonMobil, GKN, IBM, John Lewis IT, Rolls Royce, Unilever ... All students welcome – from first years to postgraduates Further details on www.careers.cam.ac.uk SPORT EDITORS: SHANAZ MUSAFER AND ALEX DRYSDALE 22 Jan 16, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Shanaz When drawing still leaves Musafer winners and losers

As delighted as I was when ed to Cambridge, who triumphed somehow managing to scrape a ty in normal time of the World Cup had played their hearts out and Charlie Desmond dived over the 15-13 in last year’s fixture. draw against Australia we still final, Australia had been crowned probably deserved to win the game. Oxford line to bring the scores I am sure that I am not the only wouldn’t be able to get our hands on champions on account of the fact that Both the Oxford coach and captain level in the Varsity rugby match, person who thinks that this a ridicu- the Ashes but so be it. they were the current holders! drew attention to Oxford’s open play, I could not help feeling a sense of lous rule for a Varsity match. Now, But a series of tests and a one-off Of course I am not comparing with Captain John Allen saying, “We hollowness as the final whistle I am not saying that the rule itself is match are two very different things, the Varsity match to the World Cup, went out there to play in a certain went and Cambridge celebrated absurd, merely that there is a time and the Varsity match falls into the but the principle is the same. All style and we did. I am proud of that.” retaining the MMC Trophy. and a place for it. latter category. It is a showpiece event that is needed is to introduce extra Even though the final score was Those of you unfamiliar with the Nobody would argue that a series and is all about who is the better team time and then, if necessary, some a draw, the upshot of the day is that rules and regulations of the Varsity of test cricket ending in a draw needs on the day. If at the end of the game kind of kick off or penalty shootout, Cambridge return to Grange Road match may be a little confused. The some way of deciding who should the two teams are tied, then either depending on the sport. with the MMC Trophy once more. teams drew yet Cambridge went go home with the spoils. If two teams they should both go home satisfied I am sure that players would Until this out of place rule is reme- home with the trophy? Surely that cannot be separated after a series of or, if there is a trophy to play for, there rather win or lose outright on the died, one can only look at the reac- does not make sense. five, six or even seven matches, then should be some other means of set- pitch, rather than come away un- tions of the respective teams to the Allow me to clarify things for it is probably right to go back to their tling the match there and then. beaten yet still feeling as if they have outcome – sheer jubilation for you. In the event of a draw, the win- last encounter in order to award the Imagine the controversy that lost. Even the most ardent Cambridge; utter disappointment ning team from the previous year re- trophy at stake. This does mean that would have been caused if, follow- Cambridge fan would find it hard for the Oxford camp. Despite the fact tains the trophy. Hence it was award- in the unlikely event of England ing Elton Flatley’s equalising penal- not to sympathise with Oxford, who that things finished all square. SPORT IN BRIEF Downing clinch the double Cross Country Varsity Match

Cambridge won both Blues races for the first time in 11 years. Julia Bleasedale broke the course record for the Ladies Blues, and James Mason in second place led home the Cambridge men. In the lower team races Cambridge scored a 4-2 victory. The event took place after the end of last term. Coe Fen Relays Courtesy of Eaden Lilley Photography A relay open to all members of the University on Sunday 18th January, start 12pm. Teams of 4, each person running a short and scenic 2 mile course starting in the centre of town. Turn up and run for a college team, or come as a team of friends from a University sports club or department. All standards, from occasional joggers to the best running talent in the university will be there. Registration (free) from 11.30 by the Mill pub (down Mill Lane behind the Anchor). Event will finish at approximately 1pm. For more information please see our website at www.cam.ac.uk/societies/cuhh/collreps.htm or email bbv20. The Downing Ladies first VIII on their way to victory Judo Downing achieved a unique dou- men added to their success by pick- COLLEGE ROWING ble by rowing to victory in the ing up the prize for the fastest sec- On Sunday 23rd November, CUJC made a trip to the Ipswich Judo Club women’s division. Their first ladies ond crew which was, confusingly, Kyu grade competition. It is a fixture which gives beginners a good taste Bryan Coll crossed the finishing line after 17.17 won by their third VIII. of competitive fighting. A good day was had by all with everyone win- minutes of solid and controlled row- First and Third BC prevented a ning at least one medal. The day began with the individual weight cat- During the last few days of ing. Caius beat Jesus into second place Queens’ double by pipping them to egories. Cambridge dominated the low grade under 66kg category, pro- Michaelmas term, when most of us with a time of 17.25 minutes. They first place in the women’s novice di- viding 3 out of 4 fighters. However, this made the competition even were wrapped up in layers upon have established themselves in 2003 vision in 12.57 minutes. The more intense as knowing the opponent made the thought of losing un- layers attempting to shield our- as the club to beat on the Cam and will Emmanuel novices, fresh from win- bearable. In the end Payman Owladi triumphed with Parin Metha tak- selves from the freezing Cambridge undoubtedly be looking to consolidate ning the Clare Novice Regatta, fin- ing the silver and Dave Anderson the bronze. winter, college rowers were brav- their Fairbairns victories with at least ished in third place. Wolfson II earned ing the elements on the river Cam. one headship in the Lent Bumps. themselves the title of the fastest sec- In the under 81kg, Gary Chandler swiftly beat everyone, leaving the The occasion was the end of term If Downing were the force to be ond crew with an impressive 13.11 remaining three players to fight for the second spot. These fights proved Fairbairns race, the highlight of the reckoned with in the senior events, minutes, a time which would actual- to be extremely tight encounters and had to be rerun a few times be- Michaelmas calendar and the then Queens’ took on a similar role ly have won them third place in the fore second and third places were awarded to the exhausted players. chance to put those sub-zero early in the novice races. There was a slight overall competition. Pete Mash from Cambridge got the bronze. morning outings to good use. sense of confusion surrounding the re- In the senior IVs event, Robinson In the senior divisions, which took sults of the men’s novice division as were the only college crew to go un- The under 90kg category saw Glyn Edwards secure silver and then place on Friday 5th December, Queens’ second boat emerged as the der 12 minutes, taking the men’s title bronze in the open event, while Junta Sekimora won himself a silver Downing had most cause to celebrate fastest crew. Due to the strong winds with a time of 11.53 minutes. Christ’s medal in his weight group. as they stamped their authority in both on Thursday morning, a considerable claimed the women’s crown in 13.39 the men’s and women’s events. Their number of crews posted somewhat minutes, ten seconds ahead of Caius. After the individual events a fun team event was held including many senior men claimed first place with a slower times than might have been ex- After victories were celebrated and of the referees and coaches. Cambridge had two teams entered with one time of 14.58 minutes and were the pected. Nevertheless, Queens’ II were sorrows drowned at boat club dinners borrowing a girl from Sawston Club to fill it. The first team, consisting of only college crew to break the 15 awarded first place with their finish- across Cambridge, college crews were club Captain James Adams, Gary Chandler, Glyn Edwards and Parin Metha minute barrier with a particularly im- ing time of 11.32 minutes. looking forward to training camps tak- got the bronze out of the seven teams, and although our second team got pressive row. They were closely fol- In a closely fought division, only ing place over the Christmas break. knocked out by our first team in round one, Payman Owladi managed lowed by the Black Prince crew who eight seconds separated the top With the best novices being miracu- to get subbed into the winning team to pick up his second gold of the day. clocked 15.03 minutes with Churchill three crews. Downing and lously transformed into senior rowers, The day provided valuable match lessons that will be used against a further five seconds adrift. The prize Churchill were the next best after there will now be considerable com- Oxford in February. for the fastest second eight was picked Queens’ II, winning second and petition for seats on many crews for up by First and Third Boat Club. third places respectively. Queens’ Lent Bumps. EDITORS: SHANAZ MUSAFER AND ALEX DRYSDALE SPORT www.varsity.co.uk Jan 16, 2004 23 Cambridge Under 21s mauled by old enemy

Oxford ran in three tries and could line but was called back for an earlier hapless Cambridge no. 9 then made couldn’t convert them into points UNDER 21’S VARSITY RUGBY have scored more as they exhibited a Cambridge knock on. For the only an even bigger hash of his next at- until finally, two minutes into added display of total class and dominance. time in the match, Cambridge were tempt, the ball drifting short and time, Jamie Hammond dived over Shanaz Musafer Any latecomers would have able to apply sustained pressure on wide of the right hand post. His con- next to the righthand post. Captain missed the first points of the day as the Oxford defence, gaining territory fidence shattered, the next penalty Steve Pitcher converted to give the Oxford scored a penalty to go 3-0 up in their opponents’ half. Cambridge were awarded was safe- scoreline some reflection of Oxford’s OXFORD U21S 22 in the opening ten minutes. Their first They were let down by their kick- ly kicked to touch. A converted supremacy. Fittingly, strains of try came shortly afterwards as a series ing though, as scrum half Henderson Oxford try just before half time pun- EMF’s You’re Unbelievable blared out CAMBRIDGE U21S 0 of scrums led to a superb passing had a game he would rather forget. ished Henderson’s misses and put around the stadium. move finished off by fullback Cuff. With the chance to put the first points the Dark Blues 15-0 up. Cambridge were lucky that the Cambridge Under 21s were Cambridge then entered what was on the board for Cambridge he The most surprising thing about margin of defeat was not extended as played off the park in the curtain- to be their best period of the game. missed a penalty from in front of the the second half was that it took Oxford looked set to cross the line raiser to the main Varsity rugby Dave Akinluyi, rather confusingly posts. The Oxford crowd howled Oxford until injury time to add to again but were stopped short by the match, losing 22-0 to the old en- wearing no. 11 but playing on the right with glee at the glaring miss. their score. Time after time they put referee blowing the final whistle to end emy Oxford. wing, sprinted clear down the touch- Their crowing grew louder as the together promising attacks but just the rout and the Light Blues’ misery. Desmond rescues draw and trophy Andy Sims

Clockwise from above left: Cambridge celebrate retaining the MMC Trophy; Aki Abiola looks on as Charlie Desmond breaks away for Cambridge’s try; Dormer takes on the Oxford defence. Cambridge try. Cambridge, on the Henry Nwume, who made a diag- backs, who gathered any long balls run at the Oxford defence and VARSITY RUGBY other hand, will look back on what onal run and dived over with safely and ran them straight back at headed for the right hand corner, might have been, when Dafydd aplomb to take them within one Cambridge. The difference between before passing out wide to Shanaz Musafer Lewis’ attempted drop goal, with point of Cambridge. the two sides’ styles of play could Desmond. The young wing coolly the score at 5-6, was not given by the And to add insult to injury, fol- not have been more evident: sidestepped O’Mahoney to touch OXFORD 11 officials even though television re- lowing Lewis’ disallowed drop goal, Cambridge set out to kick and chase down in the corner and send the plays suggest that the ball dropped Oxford full back O’Mahoney kicked long balls, while Oxford were will- Light Blue fans into ecstasy. CAMBRIDGE 11 just over the bar. a penalty to give the Dark Blues an ing to play a more free-flowing All of a sudden Cambridge Cambridge fans would have undeserved 8-6 half-time lead. game, running with the ball in hand looked like a different side. With the Cambridge retained the MMC been delighted with the first 35 Cambridge fans could not be too at any given opportunity. crowd having found their voices Trophy after salvaging a draw minutes play, as, after a slightly downhearted for long though, as the For all their possession, though, again, Eru pushed his men forward. from a Varsity Match which shaky start, the Light Blues grew crowd were treated to a handful of Oxford merely scored one penalty However, neither side were pre- looked to be slipping out of their in confidence and began to domi- England players parading the in the second half. pared to go for broke. After all, no- hands. 11-6 down with seven nate the game, forcing Oxford to William Webb Ellis Trophy around It is often said that it only takes one wants to be known as the play- minutes to go, a superb try by concede a string of penalties, two the stadium during the interval. one moment of brilliance to turn er who lost the Varsity Match. Twickenham debutant Charlie of which Lewis converted to give With the crowd buoyed by the a match around, and with time run- Cambridge in particular were hap- Desmond rescued the day for the Cambridge a 6-0 lead. sight of some of the current darlings ning out the Cambridge faithful py to settle for the draw, knowing Light Blues and ensured that the Cambridge continued to control of English sport, the players entered were grateful that Aki Abiola and that, as holders, they would retain match ended in a draw. the game while Oxford racked up the arena for the final forty minutes. Charlie Desmond were on hand to the MMC Trophy. Indeed, at the fi- Both sides will feel they were the handling errors, but were un- Unfortunately, it was Oxford who provide one. In Cambridge’s first nal whistle, the Light Blues cele- robbed of a victory in a match that able to add to their score. So it was seemed to be inspired by the half real attack of the second half - com- brated as if they had won whilst the swung first one way and then the perhaps to be expected that Oxford time visitors as they started the sec- ing after 73 minutes – Abiola, on as Dark Blues hung their heads in mis- other. Oxford dominated the second would come back into the match, ond half like men possessed. The a second half substitute for Neil ery. And it was Cambridge who got half but failed to convert possession which is exactly what they did in forwards, led by Tkachuk and Toy, played scrum half at the ruck. to climb the famous Twickenham into points and found themselves the 35th minute. Breaks by Nwume, made marauding runs, Picking the ball up in the middle of steps to collect the Trophy and who victims of a smash and grab Bradshaw and Raftery set up prop and were amply supported by their the park, he got his first chance to got to take it home with them. [email protected] ritz m futures .cambridgefutures.com .cambridgefutures.co to all www www to paris on eurostar or tea at the to paris on eurostar cambridge free

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