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THE DRAMA MAGAZINE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE MARCH 2015

UPPER GRADES Pygmalion ...... Craig Sodaro 2 PGranny frolm Kiallarney. . y. . . . . Annes Coulter Martens 11 DRAMATIZED CLASSICS (F OR UPPER GRADES ) The Pardoner’s Tale...... Geoffrey Chaucer 23 Adapted by Lowell Swortzell The Open Window...... Saki 29 Adapted by Carol D. Wise

MIDDLE AND LOWER GRADES Prince Roger and the Dastardly Marriage Plot ...... Amber Herrick 33 Stone Soup...... Amy Green 43 Zadig the Observant...... Margaret Hall 53 The Singing Bone...... Bruce Berger 57

PANTOMIME (F OR ALL GRADES ) The Leak...... Danni Robb and Michael Sturko 62 Terms of Use • Vol. 74, No. 5

Subscribers . Persons and entities with subscriptions in force at the time of the performance may produce the plays in any issue of this magazine royalty-free, provided the performance is part of a regular school or dramatic club activity. Such persons and entities may also reproduce copies of the individual play being produced for members of the cast, and may videotape or record rehearsals or performances of the play, for use by such members in connection with preparation for a performance of the play. Subscribers may not videotape or record the production of the play for any other reason, and may not reproduce or transmit the production via television or radio, or via the internet or other electronic methods, without the written permission of, and the payment of any required royalties to, Plays/Sterling Partners, Inc. Non-subscribers . Persons and entities that are not current subscribers to this magazine must apply in writing to Plays/Sterling Partners, Inc. for royalty quotations and permission to copy, reproduce, distribute, transmit, publicly display, or publicly perform any of the plays herein. Permission will be granted on a per-performance basis only, and under no condition may permission be transferred. All readers . All rights not expressly granted by these paragraphs are reserved by Plays/Sterling Partners, Inc. If you have a question about the rights granted herein, or would like to request permission to per - form, distribute, transmit, display or copy any of the literary or dra - matic works in this magazine, please contact PLAYS, The Drama Magazine for Young People, 897 Washington St., #600160, Newton, MA 02460.

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PLAYS, The Drama Magazine for Young People (ISSN 0032-1540, USPS 473-810) is published seven times a year, monthly except June, July, August, and September, and bimonthly January/February, by STERLING PARTNERS, INC., 897 Washington St., #600160, Newton, MA 02460. Subscription rates: 1 year, $55.00; 2 years, $100.00. Canadian: Add $12 per year to cover postage. All other for - eign: Add $25 per year to cover postage. Canadian & other foreign sub - scriptions must be paid in U.S. funds drawn on a U.S. bank (or if in U.S. funds drawn on foreign bank, add $4 U.S.). Periodicals postage paid at Boston, MA, and additional offices. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: Plays/Sterling Partners 897 Washington St. #600160 Newton, MA 02460 Printed in U.S.A. March 2015

The drama magazine for young people What you’ll findPin tl hiayss issue. . . For upper and middle grades Pygmalion , by Craig Sodaro 9 actors: 5 female, 4 male; 20 minutes. In this version of “My Fair Lady”—set in Ancient Greece—foolish sculptor searches in vain for his perfect love while demand - ing changes in her speech, manners, and personality. Granny from Killarney , by Anne Coulter Martens 6 actors: 4 female, 2 male; 25 minutes. Perfect for St. Patrick’s Day: Shawn is grant - ed three wishes by his great-great grandmother, who urges him to choose wisely— which he doesn’t. Could she have been just a figment of his imagination? The Pardoner’s Tale , adapted from Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales by Lowell Swortzell 8 actors: 2 male, 1 female, 5 male or female; 20 minutes. A clever tale of greed, thiev - ery, foul deeds, and revenge as we learn once again that money is the root of all evil. The Open Window , by H. H. Munro (Saki) and adapted by Carol D. Wise 4 actors: 2 male, 2 female; 15 minutes. A friendly young girl with an overactive imagination terrorizes an anxiety-ridden visitor to her family’s home. For middle and lower grades Prince Roger and the Dastardly Marriage Plot , by Amber Herrick 17+ actors: 3 male, 5 female, 2 male/female, 7+ male or female extras; 25 minutes. A rollicking play featuring one bride, two grooms, a King and Queen who can’t tell them apart, and a whole kingdom full of kindhearted silliness. Stone Soup , by Amy Green 8 actors: 4 female, 4 male; 30 minutes. A stranger blows like the tumbleweed into an unfriendly town in the Old West, with a cooking pot and recipe for stone soup. Through lies and trickery he manages to encourage the townspeople to share in a community meal that brings out the friendliness in everyone. Zadig the Observant , adapted by Margaret Hall from a story by Voltaire 10 actors: 2 male, 1 female, and 7 male/female; 10 minutes. Insightful reasoning help an ingenious young peasant solve a mystery and win a place in the royal court. The Singing Bone , a reading play by Bruce Berger 7 actors: 3 male, 1 female, and 3 male/female; 15 minutes. Two brothers accept King’s challenge to slay a wild boar that is terrorizing the Kingdom, with one broth - er overcoming family deceit to win the hand of the fair princess. For all grades The Leak , by Danni Robb and Michael Sturko 1 male or female actor (in pantomime) and offstage sound effects. Mime tries to read the newspaper only to end up fighting to plug that darned water leak!

MARCH 2015 1 Upper Grades Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).

Pygmalion “My Fair Lady” meets Ancient Greek sculptor. Looking for love in all the wrong places! . . . by Craig Sodaro

HOMER, the poet racy. We’ve also got an awful lot of artists painting and sculpting. I’ve PYGMALION, a sculptor always wanted to be a sculptor, but my ADONIA, a young woman talent is pretty limited. I whittle nice little toothpicks and that’s about it. APHRODITE, goddess of love But I do have a tale about a sculptor, and it’s very well known. I mean, it’s THEO, a restaurant maitre’d even been turned into a movie and a DAPHNE, a young woman musical. It’s the story of My Fair Lady, aka Pygmalion. But Hollywood always MEGADATES, her boyfriend has to go for the big happy ending. Let me tell you the real story of Pygmalion PHOEBE, blind date and his fair lady. ( HOMER sits on one of the benches. PYGMALION enters GALATEA, a statue left, followed by ADONIA .)

TIME : Long, long ago. PYGMALION (Peevishly ): You just did - n’t follow the directions, Adonia! SETTING : Ancient Greece. A few benches or blocks can be used for seating. ADONIA : But honey, I stuffed the grape Perhaps a pillar or two to suggest the leaves exactly like you told me to. Greek mythological setting. PYGMALION : They didn’t taste like AT RISE : HOMER enters right, whit - Mother’s! tling a piece of wood. ADONIA (Sweetly ): Maybe she didn’t HOMER (To audience ): This happens to quite give you her exact recipe, honey. be what historians will call the Golden Age of Greece. We’re a very creative PYGMALION : Mother would never have bunch and recently have come up with made a mistake. things like poetry, drama, and democ -

2 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com ADONIA : Maybe you copied it wrong. APHRODITE (Sighing ): We’ve been through this before, Pygmalion. PYGMALION : I don’t make mistakes, either! PYGMALION : But there’s something wrong with every girl I meet. ADONIA : So I guess that leaves me. APHRODITE : Korinna was just lovely. PYGMALION : I’m sorry, Adonia, but I don’t think we should see each other PYGMALION : She had flat feet. again. APHRODITE : How about Hermia? ADONIA : But we were going to get mar - ried! You said you’d love me forever PYGMALION : Hideous hair. and ever. We’d never be apart and we’d watch the sun set in our golden years. APHRODITE : Hestra?

PYGMALION : Yeah, well, the sun just PYGMALION : Horrible habits. went down. You just don’t stuff a grape leaf the way I like it stuffed. APHRODITE : Hippolyta?

ADONIA : Oh, Pygmalion, everybody PYGMALION : Heinous housekeeper. told me not to waste my time with you because you’re soooooo picky. But did I APHRODITE : Surely you couldn’t find listen? Oh, no! I thought you just need - fault with Timo! She was Miss Ancient ed a little love and caring. Well, they Greece! were right! You’re a waste of time! (ADONIA moves right, then turns PYGMALION : Exaggerated Ego! back .) Go stuff your own grape leaves! (ADONIA huffs off right .) APHRODITE : All right, all right, I’ll try to set something up. Let’s see. . .O.K., PYGMALION : Well, of all the nerve! how about you show up at the Oracle (Calls out ) Aphrodite! Aphrodite! Oh, Café at nine sharp? The girl of your sweet goddess of love. . .Pygmalion dreams will walk in and she’ll be car - needs you. Bad. Like right now! rying a red rose. Got it? (APHRODITE enters left. ) PYGMALION : Oracle Café, nine o’clock, APHRODITE (Sweetly, but sarcastically ): red rose. Got it. Why, Pygmalion, one of my biggest fans. APHRODITE : And this gal will be a win - ner. PYGMALION : You got my last sacrifice? PYGMALION : We’ll see. ( APHRODITE APHRODITE : The three-legged goat? rolls her eyes, exits left. PYGMALION exits right. HOMER stands and moves PYGMALION : Kinda special, ha? downstage. )

APHRODITE : It sure had everybody HOMER : I guess because he was a talking. So, what can I do for you this sculptor Pygmalion was hard to please. time, Pygmalion? I mean, he carved the most beautiful statues that were famous all over PYGMALION : I want a girlfriend. Greece for their beauty. ( THEO enters right, followed by PYGMALION. )

MARCH 2015 3 THEO : Let me show you to your table. DAPHNE : But I’m— (THEO moves to bench where HOMER had been sitting. ) PYGMALION : Do you want dinner or not?

HOMER : Excuse me, but that table’s DAPHNE : I don’t quite understand. . . taken. PYGMALION : She said you’d be a THEO : Get lost, old timer! This table is dream. . .and she wasn’t lying! reserved for the sculptor Pygmalion. He’s the one who sculpted the statues DAPHNE : Thanks, but who’s this “she” of Apollo and Artemis in front of the you’re talking about? café. PYGMALION : Aphrodite. HOMER : Oh. To be honest, I think Artemis’s nose is a bit too big. DAPHNE : Are you some kind of nut?

THEO : Scram, Grandpa! ( HOMER races PYGMALION : Absolutely not. I’m a off left .) Sorry about that, Pygmalion. famous sculptor. And you are my date for tonight. PYGMALION (Sitting ): There’s a critic born every minute. I’ll have the stuffed DAPHNE (Offended ): I am not! I think grape leaves. . .just like Mother used to you’re very pushy and rude. make. PYGMALION : That’s beside the point. THEO : Very good, sir. Do you know how to stuff grape leaves?

PYGMALION : Oh, and what time is it? DAPHNE : No, but I know just how to get creeps like you off my back! THEO : I don’t know. We’ve only got a sun dial and it doesn’t work after dark. PYGMALION : Oh, really? (THEO exits left. PYGMALION looks around nervously. ) DAPHNE : Megadates! Megadates! Where are you? ( MEGADATES, a big, PYGMALION : I wonder where she is. It powerful man, enters right. ) must be almost time. ( DAPHNE enters right, carrying a rose. PYGMALION MEGADATES : Sorry about that, sweet - clears his throat .) Ah, over here, my heart. I had trouble finding a parking dear! place for the chariot.

DAPHNE : Excuse me? PYGMALION : Sweetheart? Hey, what gives? PYGMALION : I’ve been waiting for you. DAPHNE : This creep’s hitting on me. DAPHNE (Puzzled ): You have? MEGADATES (Menacingly ): Oh, yeah? PYGMALION : Of course. I’m Pygmalion. PYGMALION : Just a second! Aphrodite DAPHNE : Uh—O.K. My name is told me to be here to meet this rather Daphne. rude young lady at nine o’clock. After all, she’s got a red rose. PYGMALION : Well, don’t stand on cere - mony. Sit down. MEGADATES : And you’re gonna have a

4 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com red nose ! ( MEGADATES slugs PYG - And then he painted the statue so it MALION, who crashes to the floor .) would be as lifelike as possible. He poured his every desire into the statue, DAPHNE : The nerve of some people! and finally, one day. . .it was finished. He even named the statue Galatea. MEGADATES : I knew I shoulda got you (PYGMALION wheels out statue of a yellow rose. GALATEA. GALATEA sits on chair with an expression of complete adora - DAPHNE : Oh, Meggy, you’re too sweet tion on her face. The actress playing for words! ( DAPHNE and MEGA - this part should sit in a position that is DATES exit left as PHOEBE, carrying comfortable enough to hold for several a red rose, enters right with THEO. ) minutes. At this moment the statue is covered with a sheet. ) THEO (To PHOEBE ): Pygmalion? Why, he’s sitting right here. ( THEO notices PYGMALION : Oh, my dear, dear PYGMALION on the floor, holding his Galatea—the most beautiful girlfriend nose. ) Oh, dear! What happened? in the entire world!

PYGMALION : Hey! You’ve got a red HOMER : Let us all see her! rose! You must be my date. Give me a hand and help me up. ( PHOEBE hesi - PYGMALION : I’ve put everything I want tates. ) Well, c’mon! We don’t have all in a girlfriend into her spirit. night! ( PHOEBE helps PYGMALION up. He scratches himself on the rose .) HOMER : She’s beautiful? Ouch! That thing’s got thorns! PYGMALION : Gorgeous! PHOEBE : Well, well—so do you! Here, you can keep it! ( PHOEBE tosses rose HOMER : She can keep a clean house? on PYGMALION and runs off right .) PYGMALION : Better than Martha PYGMALION (Grabbing rose ): Ouch! Stewart.

THEO (Sighing ): You win some, you HOMER : She can converse? lose some. You mostly lose some. (THEO exits right. PYGMALION rises, PYGMALION : Like a talk show host. calls out as he exits right .) HOMER : But can she cook? PYGMALION : Aphrodite! Aphrodite! It’s all your fault! I’m cutting you out of my PYGMALION : Just like Mother! life! You’re one lousy matchmaker! (PYGMALION is gone. HOMER enters HOMER : Well, then, let me help you! left. ) (HOMER and PYGMALION remove the sheet. ) HOMER : Poor Pygmalion. Desperately unhappy and quite willing to blame PYGMALION : Galatea! My beautiful everyone else for his own faults, he Galatea! threw himself into his work. He decid - ed to create a statue of his ideal girl - HOMER (Walking around appraising - friend. He worked for months and ly ): She certainly adores you. months selecting the marble, cutting the marble, carving the marble, then PYGMALION : That was number one on polishing the marble to a high gloss. my list.

MARCH 2015 5 HOMER : Well, I suppose that’s fine and PYGMALION : You gods and goddesses dandy—but she’s only a statue, after can do anything you like. all. ( HOMER exits right. ) APHRODITE : Look, I don’t do marble. PYGMALION : You don’t have to remind me. Oh, Galatea, if only you’d just PYGMALION : Awww, c’mon, Aphrodite, come to life! If only you’d take a breath please? Please? Pretty please? with your lips, gaze upon me with your eyes, hear the sound of my voice. APHRODITE : I thought you said you Aphrodite! Aphrodite! Come to matured. Pygmalion! ( APHRODITE enters left. ) PYGMALION : I did. All right, let’s do it APHRODITE : What’s wrong now? I this way. The adult way. thought you were through with me after that fiasco at the Oracle Café. APHRODITE : Go on.

PYGMALION : Well, I’ve matured a bit PYGMALION : You bring Galatea to life since then. and I’ll never bother you again.

APHRODITE : You better have matured a APHRODITE : Never? Ever? Cross your lot! heart and hope one of Zeus’s thunder - bolts strikes you dead if you go back on PYGMALION : Look at my new creation. the deal? I call her Galatea. PYGMALION : Now who’s being imma - APHRODITE : You did this? ture?

PYGMALION : With my own two little APHRODITE : I just want to make sure hands. I’m getting this straight.

APHRODITE : All by yourself? PYGMALION : Do this one thing for me, and I’ll never bother you again. PYGMALION : Duh! APHRODITE : I don’t have a clue why I APHRODITE : She’s a looker, all right. should trust you.

PYGMALION : And she’s a great house - PYGMALION : Because I’ve created my keeper, she can carry on a conversa - perfect love. A girlfriend I’ll treasure tion, and she can cook like Mother. forever and ever!

APHRODITE : She’s a chunk of marble, APHRODITE : And you’ll never call on me Pygmalion. She can’t do anything! again?

PYGMALION : Well, I’ve heard tell that a PYGMALION : You’ll be rid of me just goddess like you can. . . like a—a—

APHRODITE : Can what? APHRODITE : Case of psoriasis?

PYGMALION : Bring inanimate objects PYGMALION : Gross! But—O.K. to life. APHRODITE : Scout’s honor? APHRODITE : Sorry, P. Urban legend.

6 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com PYGMALION : Sure, whatever that and looks at PYGMALION .) Galatea, means! please, say something. Don’t you know how to talk? APHRODITE : Stand back. GALATEA (In a humorous Brooklyn or PYGMALION : How far? other accent ): ’Course I talk!

APHRODITE : How about to Cleveland? PYGMALION (Shocked ): Well, my dear—would you like me to show you PYGMALON : Where’s that? the kitchen?

APHRODITE : Just. . .just over there. GALATEA : Not just yet, Piggy-Poo. (APHRODITE now moves around the statue as if casting a spell. ) PYGMALION : Piggy-Poo? Galatea, Galatea. . .come into life. Come and make Pygmalion a wife! GALATEA : Cute, ha? I had a Chihuahua Open your ears, open your eyes. once named Piggy-Poo. I loved that lit - Taste the bounty of burgers and fries! tle guy. Now I name all my pets Piggy- Galatea, Galatea. . .here stands your Poo. man. Good luck, Galatea—I’ve done what I PYGMALION : My name is Pygmalion. can! (Loud crash of cymbals. APHRODITE GALATEA : I couldn’t spell that in a mil - and PYGMALION grimace. ) lion years, Piggy-Poo.

PYGMALION : Wow! When you cast a PYGMALION : Stop calling me that. And spell, you cast a spell! can’t you talk with a bit more. . . finesse? APHRODITE : I guess I don’t know my own strength! ( GALATEA takes a GALATEA : Look, I’ve been hangin’ breath, then stretches. ) around you for a long time, Piggy- Poo—and I picked up on a couple of PYGMALION : Aphrodite, it worked! things. She’s alive! My darling Galatea’s alive! PYGMALION : Just a second, Galatea! APHRODITE : Yeah...she’s all yours. And remember our deal. Never, ever call GALATEA : Hey, and while we’re on the me again. You do and Zeus will fix your subject of names— wagon. PYGMALION : We’re not on the subject PYGMALION : I’ll never need to call you of names! again. I’ve got my Galatea! GALATEA : I don’t like Galatea. It APHRODITE (To GALATEA ): Good luck, makes me sound like a continent. And kid! ( APHRODITE exits right .) I may got strong legs, but I ain’t no continent! PYGMALION : Well, Galatea. Welcome to your home. ( GALATEA rises from PYGMALION : What would you like to be the chair and stretches a bit. She then called? does a few knee bends, torso twists, and other annoying exercises .) What are GALATEA : Eliza. you doing? ( GALATEA stops exercising

MARCH 2015 7 PYGMALION : What kind of name is me: The rain in Spain stays mainly in that? the plain.

GALATEA : It’s cute. And it’s kinda got a GALATEA (In an even thicker accent ): strong vibe to it. The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain. PYGMALION : Oh, dear. PYGMALION : No! Get the words out GALATEA : Whatsa matter, Piggy-Poo? your mouth, not your nose. Air comes You come sit down right here. from here! ( Touches his stomach area ) (GALATEA leads PYGMALION to the chair she’d sat in. He sits. She begins to GALATEA : That’s where the food goes. massage his shoulders. ) That’s right. Speakin’ of which, I’m starved! I’ve Oh, my, but you are awfully tense. You been stuck in that chair for months just relax a bit, Piggy-Poo. Let Eliza’s and I could eat a horse! You got a spare fingers do the walking. horse?

PYGMALION (Giggling ): You’re tickling PYGMALION : We don’t eat horses. We me! Stop it! ride them.

GALATEA : It’s good to laugh a bit, Piggy. GALATEA : Sounds like fun. Let’s do that. Right after I eat. What do you PYGMALION : Stop it! ( PYGMALION eat, anyway? jumps out of the chair. ) PYGMALION : Stuffed grape leaves. GALATEA : What a grouch! GALATEA : Yuck! ( GALATEA moves PYGMALION : Look, I think it would be right. ) helpful if I taught you how to pro - nounce words correctly, don’t you? PYGMALION : Where are you going?

GALATEA : What’s wrong with the way I GALATEA : Ain’t the kitchen this way? say ’em? PYGMALION (Indicating left ): This way. PYGMALION : Well, everything seems to be coming out of your nose. GALATEA : You sure messed up on my sense of direction! ( GALATEA exits GALATEA : Where are they supposed to left. PYGMALION tries to sneak off come out? right, but HOMER enters .)

PYGMALION : Your mouth, propelled by HOMER : Tut, tut, tut! She’s all yours, force from your diaphragm. Piggy-Poo.

GALATEA : I don’t got no dial gram. PYGMALION : I thought I created a thing of beauty! PYGMALION : Diaphragm. And every - body has one. HOMER : So did Dr. Frankenstein.

GALATEA : I’m a chunk of marble, for GALATEA (Calling from off left ): Hey, crying out loud. Piggy-Poo, where’s the cilantro? I want to make a burrito! PYGMALION : Look, just repeat after

8 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com PYGMALION : What’s a burrito? PYGMALION : Too sour.

HOMER : Something Mother used to GALATEA : Did you like the dates? make! ( PYGMALION exits left. HOMER addresses audience .) To be PYGMALION : Too chewy. perfectly honest, Galatea was as sweet as honey and as clever as a fox. She GALATEA : Well, go complain to the was also as patient as dear Penelope tree! All I did was pick the little bug - waiting for Ulysses to return to Ithaca. gers! She was very happy to live with Pygmalion’s sister Efimia until the day PYGMALION : Are you raising your voice that was going to be the happiest of to me? their lives. Almost. ( GALATEA, on her phone, enters left as HOMER exits GALATEA (Challenging him ): What if I right .) am?

GALATEA : I thought I got Piggy-Poo the PYGMALION : Your voice is especially right sandals, Efimia. He likes the grating when it’s raised. ones made of sheep’s leather, right? (After a pause ) Wrong? . . .The ones GALATEA : Oh, yeah? made of goat leather? I didn’t even know goats made leather. . . .I know PYGMALION : Don’t say “yeah.” the wedding’s tonight! Where can I find goat leather sandals? . . .Right. GALATEA (Angrily ): Yeah, yeah, yeah! O.K., thanks, kiddo! ( PYGMALION enters left, holding a pair of sandals .) PYGMALION : Oh, Galatea. . .

PYGMALION : I can’t wear these, GALATEA : Eliza! Galatea. PYGMALION : Oh, Eliza, what happened GALATEA : Eliza . I keep telling you, call to that beautiful creature I created? me Eliza. That’s what’s going to be on the marriage license. GALATEA : She’s standing right here. Right in front of you. PYGMALION : Licenses haven’t been invented yet. PYGMALION : I don’t see her.

GALATEA : Well, I’d want it to say Eliza GALATEA : That’s because you don’t anyhow. want to see her.

PYGMALION : I don’t know why you did - PYGMALION : Don’t be foolish. n’t get the right kind of sandals. GALATEA : You know, Piggy-Poo? You GALATEA : I’m working on that right gave me a lot, and I’m really grateful. now. How’d you like the honey cake I You gave me looks, you gave me baked? smarts, you gave me a big heart.

PYGMALION : Too sweet. PYGMALION : I don’t know about that.

GALATEA : What about the grape com - GALATEA : It’s big enough to have tried pote? to love you.

MARCH 2015 9 PYGMALION : If you tried to love me, GALATEA : I sure did! you’d do everything I say. PYGMALION : You again! GALATEA : No, Piggy-Poo, I wouldn’t. ’Cause when you love somebody, you MEGADATES : He bothering you, lady? love ’em for who they are, not what you want ’em to do. You made me out of a GALATEA : Nah...I think we got every - block of marble. And you gave me thing worked out, right, Piggy-Poo? everything you thought you’d want in your perfect girlfriend. But it wasn’t MEGADATES : Then let’s go. The meter’s enough, was it? running. See you around, Piggy-Poo. (MEGADATES exits right .) PYGMALION : Almost! You’re just a bit— well, rough around the edges. GALATEA : Bye, Piggy-Poo. And I could - n’t leave without sending you a nice big GALATEA : You know something? So are thank you. you. ( GALATEA takes out her phone and punches in a number. ) PYGMALION : For what?

PYGMALION : What are you doing? GALATEA : For making me what I am today. Even if I’m not up to your stan - GALATEA (Into phone ): Atlas Taxi dards, I’m pretty happy with the way Service? Would you send a chariot to things turned out. So, anyhow, in a lit - Pygmalion’s place? . . .There’s one on tle while Omar the marble cutter is the corner? Great! Thanks. ( Hangs up ) going to stop by with a nice, big hunk of marble. PYGMALION : Galatea, where are you going? PYGMALION : What for?

GALATEA : Anywhere but here, Piggy- GALATEA : So you can carve out your Poo. perfect girlfriend. After all, if you don’t succeed the first time, try, try again! PYGMALION : You can’t! We’re getting (G ALATEA exits right. ) married tonight. PYGMALION (In fury ): Aphrodite! GALATEA : I don’t think so. Aphrodite! ( PYGMALION rushes off left as HOMER enters right .) PYGMALION : Why not? HOMER : Oh, poor Pygmalion. He ran GALATEA : I don’t think I’m good enough. up to his rooftop, and wouldn’t you know, at just that moment a bolt of PYGMALION : We can work on that. lightning shot out of the sky, and, (S ound of thunder, if desired ) well, that GALATEA : You chiseled me enough was the end of poor Piggy-Poo. I sup - already, Piggy-Poo. I know there’s pose it was best in the long run somebody out there who’ll like me just because Pygmalion didn’t have the the way I am. ( MEGADATES enters sense to see that he was his own worst right. ) enemy. He let so many chances for love slip through his fingers. May none of MEGADATES (In the same accent as us be so foolish! Good night! ( Curtain ) GALATEA ): You call for a chariot, THE END ma’am? (Production Notes on page 64 )

10 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Upper & Middle Grades Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).

Granny from Killarney Perfect for St. Patrick’s Day: High school boy is granted three wishes by his great-great grandmother. Or was it all a disturbing hallucination? . . . by Anne Coulter Martens

Characters Haley’s coming over in a little while to MRS. O’DELL make some extra decorations. ABBY, her 15-year-old daughter MRS. O'DELL : I was surprised to hear you say you’re not going to the dance? SHAWN, her 17-year-old son ABBY (Defensively ): Mother, what HALEY, Shawn’s girlfriend makes you think I would want to go to JOSH, Shawn’s classmate the dance?

GRANNY, a visitor MRS. O’DELL (Shrugging ): I just thought you’d have fun, that’s all. ( She starts to put on her coat. SHAWN rush - TIME : Late afternoon on St. Patrick’s es in, carrying large box, which he puts Day. on coffee table .)

SETTING : O’Dell living room. Desk, SHAWN : Hey, guys. chair, and telephone are up center. Sofa and coffee table are left of center, and MRS. O’DELL : What’s in the box? high-backed chair is down right. Front door is up left, and door to rest of house SHAWN : Green crepe paper and some is at right. shamrocks. ( To ABBY ) Do you feel like helping me and Haley make some dec - AT RISE : ABBY is at desk, doing home - orations? ( Throws jacket on sofa ) work. Phone rings; she answers quickly. ABBY : Sorry. I’m in the middle of ABBY (Into phone ): Hello. . . .Oh, hi, homework. Oh, and Haley just called Haley. . . .No, he isn’t home yet. I to say she’ll be a little late. ( SHAWN thought you two were at the gym deco - starts to take decorations from box .) rating for the dance. . . .( MRS. O’DELL enters, carrying coat over her arm. ) No, SHAWN (Eagerly ): Hey, Mom, did I get I don’t think I’ll go. It’s not really my any mail today? thing. . . .O.K., I’ll give him the mes sage. (Hangs up; turns to MRS. O’DELL ) MRS. O’DELL : You mean from Albion?

MARCH 2015 11 (SHAWN nods .) No, not yet. ABBY : I’ll have you know that I have been asked! ( After a pause, sighs ) But SHAWN : I don’t know if I should be not by the right guy. glad or sorry. At least I can keep on hoping they’ll accept me. SHAWN : Who’s the right guy?

ABBY : Why does it have to be Albion? ABBY : No comment. There are lots of other good colleges. SHAWN : None needed. You mean Josh SHAWN : Because Albion has the best Stearns. environmental sciences department. (As he takes large paper shamrock from ABBY : Yeah, well, he only has eyes for box ) Maybe this shamrock will bring Haley anyway. me the luck of the Irish. SHAWN (Surprised ): What? But Josh ABBY (Sarcastically ): Yeah, right. knows Haley’s my girlfriend.

MRS. O’DELL (Musing ): Shamrocks and ABBY : I heard that he’s going to the leprechauns. I wish your father were dance solo, in hopes Haley changes her here right now. He enjoys St. Patrick’s mind about going with you. Day so much. When he gets home, you should ask him about “Granny from SHAWN : Why would she do that? Killarney.” That’s ridiculous.

ABBY : Can’t you tell us, Mom? ABBY (Matter-of-factly ): Couples have been known to break up, Shawn. MRS. O’DELL : If I tell you now, I’ll never get to the store. And besides, I’d hate to SHAWN (Adamantly ): Not Haley and spoil your dad’s fun. O.K., I’m off. See me. Never! you later. ABBY : Never’s a long time. SHAWN and ABBY (Ad lib ): Bye, Mom. See you later. ( Etc. MRS. O’DELL SHAWN (Annoyed ): Abby, do you mind? exits. ) (Angrily ) Josh and I are going to have to have a little talk! ( Knock on door is ABBY (Thinking aloud ): Granny from heard. SHAWN opens door, and Killarney. I wonder who that is. . . . HALEY enters .) (She returns to her work, turns page of book and writes something down .) HALEY : Hey, guys.

SHAWN (Going to desk and reading ABBY and SHAWN : Hi, Haley. ( SHAWN over ABBY’s shoulder ): Abby, are you takes HALEY’s coat, puts it on chair. ) using your homework as an excuse because nobody’s asked you to the ABBY : So—I hear you’ve been painting dance? leprechauns.

ABBY (Indignantly ): Shawn! HALEY : Yes, with bright green suits and pink, pointy ears. SHAWN : You don’t have to have a date, you know. Why don’t you come with ABBY (Teasing ): With Shawn’s pointed Haley and me? ears, he could have been your model!

12 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com SHAWN (As he rubs his ear, laughing ): SHAWN : An invitation to the dance I come from a long line of men with from the right guy. pointed ears. HALEY : I hope she gets it. HALEY (Looking closely at SHAWN’s ears ): Now that you mention it, those SHAWN : Haley, you are going to the leprechauns do look like Shawn. dance with me, aren’t you?

ABBY (Rising and going to box ): I guess HALEY (Confused ): What kind of ques - I can take a break and help you with tion is that? Of course I am. the decorations. ( She takes a paper favor from box .) SHAWN (Shrugging ): Just asking.

HALEY (To SHAWN ): Did you hear HALEY : Listen, put those fingers of from Albion yet? yours to work while I see if Abby can find another pair of scissors. ( She exits. SHAWN : Nope. SHAWN sits on sofa, picks up scissors and paper, and tries to fashion a sham - HALEY : Well, there’s still time. ( Looks rock. Knock on front door is heard. in box ) Oh, no, the little safety pins SHAWN opens it to GRANNY, a little aren’t here. old lady who wears a dark coat, and green shawl over her head. She speaks SHAWN (To ABBY ): Do we have any? with an Irish brogue .)

ABBY : There might be some in the GRANNY : Shawn O’Dell? desk. ( She rummages in desk drawer. ) SHAWN : That’s right. SHAWN (To HALEY ): Any decision on the art contest yet? GRANNY : Son of Michael O’Dell?

HALEY : Not yet. SHAWN : Uh—yes, that’s right.

SHAWN : How long does it take those GRANNY : Grandson of Seamus O’Dell? judges to make up their minds? ( To ABBY ) Haley entered one of her paint - SHAWN (Puzzled ): What can I do for ings. you, ma’am?

ABBY : Really? It would be so awesome GRANNY : It’s me can do for you, lad. if you won, Haley! (She enters. SHAWN closes door .) Have you no idea who I am? HALEY : What I wouldn’t give for first prize! But I’d even settle for an honor - SHAWN : I’m afraid not. Are you a able mention. friend of my mother’s?

ABBY : It’s funny, isn’t it? No matter GRANNY : You might call me a friend of how much you want something, some - hers, though I’ve never met her. And of times all you can do is wait. ( As she your father’s, too. But I came to see you. exits right ) Maybe there are some pins in the kitchen drawer. ( Exits ) SHAWN (Puzzled ): Me?

HALEY : What is it that Abby wants so GRANNY : Today is St. Patrick’s Day, is badly? it not?

MARCH 2015 13 SHAWN : Yes. SHAWN : Oh, no, no, I certainly don’t think that. ( Sits ) GRANNY : And seventeen years old you were, day before yesterday. GRANNY : ’Tis a long story, but I’ll make it short. Years ago when your great- SHAWN (Surprised ): Yes, but how did great-grandfather Timothy was walk - you know? ing in the lake region of Ireland, he did a favor for a leprechaun. GRANNY : Can’t you guess who I am? (Gives a little cackling laugh ) SHAWN (Startled ): What! ( Annoyed ) You’re not giving me some dumb story SHAWN : I haven’t got a clue. about three wishes, are you?

GRANNY : Why, I’m your great-great- GRANNY : Aye, that and more. Timothy granny from Ireland! was awarded the highest honor that can be given to mortals. He was made SHAWN (Surprised ): My great-great- a member of the Leprechaun League, grandmother! Killarney Chapter; he was the first- born son of the O’Dells, time without GRANNY : A fine-looking lad you are, end. just like your father Michael before you, and your grandfather Seamus, SHAWN (Uneasily ): Wait a minute, too. And Kevin and Timothy before time out. This is getting a little weird. them. GRANNY : A leprechaun, as everyone in SHAWN (Pleased ): You came all the Ireland knows, has the power of three way from Ireland to see us? This is ter - wishes every St. Patrick’s Day, to use rific! Please sit down, Mrs. . . . however he pleases.

GRANNY : Just call me Granny. SHAWN (Incredulous ): I don’t believe this! SHAWN (Indicating high-backed chair ): Sit down over here, Granny. GRANNY : Then good it is that I came to (Helps her to chair ) Well, um—can I convince you. get you something to drink? SHAWN : That’s impossible! ( Rises ) GRANNY : Nothing will I drink or eat till I’ve told you the spell of the O’Dells. GRANNY : ’Tis silly of you to deny it, you being one yourself. SHAWN (Puzzled ): The spell of the O’Dells? I’ve never heard of it. SHAWN : Me? A leprechaun?

GRANNY : There’s a power come to the GRANNY : You, Shawn O’Dell. first-born son of the O’Dells after his seventeenth birthday, on the seven - SHAWN : What are you talking about? teenth of March. That’s today! Leprechauns are little elves.

SHAWN : I’m sorry, I’m confused. GRANNY : Not when they’re in mortal form. GRANNY (Rising ): Sit down, lad, and don’t look as if you think me crazy. SHAWN : And they have pointed ears. . . .( Touches his ears, half wondering )

14 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com GRANNY : Over the years it happens. SHAWN (Unbelieving ): Just now? Um, I don’t mean to be nosy or anything, SHAWN : No! but. . .how did you get here?

GRANNY : Now that you’re seventeen, GRANNY (Scornfully ): I wished myself the power of three wishes is in you. here, of course. ( She puts shawl over her head again .) Use your wishes wisely, SHAWN (Amazed ): I have the power to and well. I must be on my way now, but make three wishes, and they’ll come don’t worry—I’ll be back! ( She exits. ) true? Seriously? SHAWN (Staring after her ): So that’s GRANNY : Of course. You can use them Granny from Killarney. . . . ( HALEY for yourself, or for anyone you choose. and ABBY return with safety pins and Think well before you speak, lad, for scissors. ) I must be dreaming. you’ll not have the power again until next St. Patrick’s Day. HALEY : We found plenty of pins. ( The girls sit on sofa and begin making SHAWN : This is completely unbeliev - shamrocks .) able. SHAWN : Haley. . .Abby, maybe I’ve GRANNY : Think about it. ( Laughs as flipped, but a little old lady was just she goes toward front door ) I’ll be back here claiming to be our great-great- again in a wee bit. grandmother from Ireland.

SHAWN : Wait! ( Follows her ) At least HALEY : I didn’t know your great-great- stay till my mother comes home. ( He grandmother was still living! reaches for her as she moves away and catches her shawl instead. It comes off ABBY : Neither did I. in his hand, and he stands staring at her. Her hair is pulled back, revealing SHAWN : She says she wished herself large, pointed ears .) over here from Ireland to tell me that I’m a fifth-generation leprechaun, and GRANNY : Why do you stare at me, lad? since I’m seventeen, I now have the (Suddenly aware, she puts her hand to power of three wishes. her ear. ) Oh, it’s my ears you’re looking at. HALEY : Leprechaun . . . you? ( Giggling ) Come on! SHAWN : But you said it was Timothy, my great-great-grandfather. . . . ABBY (Laughing ): Three wishes? Dream on, bro. GRANNY : Lad, I was with your great- great-grandfather the day he got the SHAWN : The funny thing is, her ears power from the leprechauns. ( Touches were pointed at the top. her ears ) Yes, I’m a leprechaun, too. HALEY : You’re kidding! SHAWN : This is weirding me out. I . . . don’t know. . . if I’m hearing right. ABBY : Or else the dear little old lady was playing a joke on you. ( Girls laugh GRANNY : Why else do you think I came again. ) all the way from Ireland just now, except to tell you of the power that is SHAWN : But why? Who would do a yours today? thing like that?

MARCH 2015 15 ABBY : Hey, you know, a new family madly in love with me. And finally, I’d just moved in down the street, the wish that he’d call me right now. Brennans. And their grandmother lives with them. Could be she’s practic - SHAWN : Gosh, Abby, to stop all your ing some Irish magic on you, Shawn. mooning around, I wish he would call. (Offstage, musical “Bong!” is heard. SHAWN : But Abby, she seemed to SHAWN and ABBY are startled. ) know a lot about us. She even knew What was that? Dad’s first name. ABBY : I don’t know. ( ABBY’s cell phone HALEY : Well, anyone could find that rings. They react with surprise, staring out, Shawn. ( Looks at SHAWN ques - at phone as it continues to ring. ) It tioningly ) You really don’t believe in can’t be. ( Answers phone ) Hello. . . . any of this, do you? Josh! ( Looks at SHAWN, stunned ) Yes, I’m still here. . . . Sure, if you want to. SHAWN : Oh, no, of course not. It all . . . See you then. ( Hangs up; in disbe - gives me a funny feeling, though. lief ) He’s coming over! (Touches his ears ) SHAWN : Get the stars out of your eyes. ABBY (Teasing ): Are you wondering He just happened to call . . . now. ( After about the shape of your ears again? a pause ) Though I did make a wish, and it came true. HALEY : They really do look a little pointed. ( Laughs ) ABBY : Where’s my brush? ( She goes to desk, starts rummaging through ABBY (As she giggles ): Shawn, make a purse. ) What an idiot I am, fixing wish and we’ll see if it comes true. myself up so he can look at Haley! (HALEY returns with tape .) SHAWN (Annoyed ): Oh, come on, you guys! ( After a pause ) Of course I know HALEY : Who’s going to look at me? all this is crazy. But just suppose you could have three wishes, what would ABBY : Josh Stearns is coming over. you wish for? HALEY : Good. Maybe he can help us. HALEY (Lightly ): A million dollars, a scholarship to the Sorbonne, and a lit - ABBY (Vaguely ): Help with what? ( With tle red sports car. Actually, what I a cry of frustration ) Oh! Where is my most want right now is some Scotch brush? ( Hurries out ) tape. ( To ABBY ) Do you have any? HALEY : What’s up with her? ( Sits on ABBY (Rising ): I think there’s some in sofa and begins making more sham - the kitchen. rocks, as does SHAWN)

HALEY (Rising ): Stay here, I’ll go look. SHAWN : Oh, who knows. Haley . . . if a (HALEY exits. ABBY sits again .) person really had the power of three wishes . . . SHAWN : Let’s hear what you’d wish for, Abby. HALEY (Matter-of-factly ): Which nobody has . . . ABBY : Well, first I’d wish that I was the most gorgeous creature on earth. Then SHAWN : But just suppose. And let’s I’d wish that a certain boy would fall say he used one without thinking and

16 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com had two left. What do you think he HALEY : Because then I’d never know if ought to wish for? I won because my painting was really the very best one, or it if was some sort HALEY : Whatever he wants most. of magic.

SHAWN (Thoughtfully ): What you SHAWN : But you do want to win. want most is to win that art prize. HALEY : Only if my entry is good HALEY (Seriously ): That’s the truth. enough. ( With feeling ) Oh, Shawn, don’t you understand? SHAWN : And what I want is to get into Albion. SHAWN : No, I honestly don’t.

HALEY : You will, Shawn. At least, I HALEY : Would you want to be accepted hope so. to Albion because of a magic wish and not because you’ve worked so hard and SHAWN : But I could wish it, and make done so well in school? it happen. SHAWN : I wouldn’t care why they ac- HALEY (Looking up ): You are serious cepted me, just as long as they did. about this! I had no idea you were so superstitious. HALEY : But that wouldn’t be fair.

SHAWN : Haley, I could use my second SHAWN : Lots of things in this world wish to get you that art prize. aren’t fair.

HALEY : If you have a second wish. HALEY : I wouldn’t want to win some - thing I hadn’t earned. SHAWN (Earnestly ): And I could use my third wish to get into Albion. SHAWN : What’s the difference, if you get it? HALEY (Soberly ): You mean that, don’t you? ( Rises ) HALEY (Upset ): There’s a big differ- ence—and quite frankly, I don’t like to SHAWN (Rising ): I can’t lose anything hear you talk this way. by trying. SHAWN : Then you don’t have to listen. HALEY (After a pause ): Yes, you can. (HALEY tosses her head angrily and exits right, as ABBY enters. ) SHAWN : What do you mean? ABBY : What’s she upset about? HALEY : I don’t quite know how to put this, but suppose you made a wish that SHAWN : Me. I’d win the art contest, and then, I did win it? ABBY : You’re not still harping on that ridiculous Granny-from-Killarney SHAWN : That’s the whole idea. business, are you?

HALEY : I wouldn’t want to win that way. SHAWN : Haley doesn’t believe in it, either. SHAWN : But why not? ABBY : And you do? ( SHAWN doesn’t

MARCH 2015 17 answer .) Shawn, maybe you did see an SHAWN (Crossing to sofa ): Are you old woman, but so what? Why don’t going to the dance tonight? you just forget the whole thing? ( Knock on front door is heard. ) That must be JOSH : What business is it of yours? Josh! ( Starts to run, then slows down, and walks sedately to door, opens it to SHAWN : I might make it my business. JOSH. She greets him casually .) Hi! ABBY (Upset ): Will you two stop argu - JOSH : Hi, Abby! Hey, Shawn. ( Enters ) ing over nothing?

SHAWN : Hi, Josh. SHAWN : I don’t call it nothing.

ABBY : Haley’s here, too. She’s out in JOSH : And I don’t know what you’re the kitchen. ( ABBY sits near box and talking about. starts to work on shamrock. ) SHAWN : Not much, you don’t! JOSH (As he takes off jacket ): Yeah, she did say something about coming over. ABBY : Please! Stop fighting!

SHAWN (Annoyed ): Is that why you JOSH : He started it. came? SHAWN : I did? JOSH (Taken aback ): I just thought I’d stop by. JOSH (Puzzled ): And I used to think you were a friend of mine! ( Rising ) SHAWN : For how long? Why don’t you just cool it?

JOSH (Defensively ): Hey, what’s with SHAWN : Why don’t you fall flat on your you? face? I just wish you would! ( Offstage “Bong!” is heard. JOSH suddenly seems SHAWN : I can put two and two togeth - to trip over something, loses his balance er. and falls to floor, flat on his face. ABBY cries out in alarm, going to him .) JOSH : About what? ( To ABBY ) Abby, I waited for you after school, but you ABBY : Shawn, you tripped him! dashed off. SHAWN (Awed and a little frightened ): ABBY (Nonchalantly ): Really? Sorry. I No, I didn’t—really. ( Steps back ) didn’t see you. Sit down, Josh, and ignore Oscar the Grouch here. ( JOSH JOSH : Something funny’s going on sits on sofa. ) here. ( Sits up and rubs his nose ) Ouch!

SHAWN (Testily ): Who’s a grouch? ABBY (Helping JOSH to his feet ): Come on, I’ll get you some ice. ( To SHAWN ) JOSH : You are, jumping down my What’s wrong with you? throat the minute I came in the door. SHAWN : Honest, I didn’t do a thing. SHAWN : Looks to me as if you’re ask - ing for trouble. JOSH (Sarcastically ): I suppose I tripped over the table leg, or over my JOSH : If anyone’s asking for trouble, own big feet. it’s you.

18 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com SHAWN : I don’t know what to think. HALEY : And leave me wondering all my life if my painting really deserved the JOSH (Annoyed ): Man, the way you act, prize? I’m beginning to wonder if you have the stuff to think with! ( Exits right SHAWN : If you don’t want it, I can use with ABBY ) the wish for myself.

SHAWN (Aloud, bewildered ): I wished HALEY (Disgusted ): You’ve really lost it. I wished that he’d fall on his face! it, Shawn. (Puts his hands to his head ) What’s happening to me? ( HALEY enters .) SHAWN : Do you have your eye on somebody else? HALEY : What’s going on in here? What did you do to Josh? HALEY (Indignantly ): Did I say that?

SHAWN : I made another wish without SHAWN (Taunting her ): Josh, maybe? thinking. HALEY : You’re insane! HALEY : Oh, no—not that again! SHAWN : Then it is Josh! SHAWN : It’s true. HALEY : If that’s what you think, I’m HALEY : I can’t believe how supersti - not going to the dance with you! tious you are! SHAWN : I’ve been expecting you to say SHAWN : Two perfectly good wishes that. wasted. Now I have only one left. HALEY : And don’t ever speak to me HALEY : Shawn O’Dell, if you don’t stop again! this insanity, I’m going home. SHAWN (Angrily ): I don’t intend to. SHAWN : Granny warned me to be care - And I wish you’d never speak to me ful how I used my wishes. again! ( Offstage “Bong!” sound. HALEY looks startled, then she picks HALEY : And I’m warning you that I’ve up her coat and crosses to front door .) had enough of this. ( Turns away from Haley, come back! I didn’t mean it! him ) (She turns and looks at him, saying nothing. ) Say you’re not mad at me. SHAWN (Catching her arm ): Haley, I (Waits ) Say something! ( She turns and can use that last wish to help you win exits. SHAWN paces, pounding his fist that art prize. into his hand. ) Oh, I’m an idiot. . .a complete idiot! ( MRS. O’DELL enters, HALEY (Pulling away ): Don’t you dare carrying grocery bags .) do that! MRS. O’DELL (Brightly ): Did you finish SHAWN : Then you more than half the decorations? I just saw Haley believe in this, too? leave.

HALEY : No! ( Upset ) Oh, I don’t know SHAWN (Anxiously ): Mom, do I really what I believe. have a great-great-grandmother living in Ireland? SHAWN : Then let me make that wish.

MARCH 2015 19 MRS. O’DELL (Puzzled ): I can’t imagine lost a good friend, and my girlfriend why you would ask all of a sudden. But won’t speak to me. no, you don’t. Not any more. GRANNY (Impatiently ): ’Tis simple you SHAWN : You’re sure? are, to be sure. A body would think this was April Fool’s Day. MRS. O’DELL : All these shamrocks must have gone to your head. Or SHAWN : You’re so right. maybe you’re thinking of the family legend. GRANNY (Sadly ): And me coming all this way, only meaning to help. SHAWN : What do you mean? SHAWN : It was all my own fault. MRS. O’DELL : That’s what I was telling you about before—Granny from GRANNY : Too bad I have only one of my Killarney. ( She starts to exit .) And own wishes left. I used my second wish don’t forget to ask your father when he for a little bunch of Irish shamrocks. comes home. ( Exits ) (Indicates a few shamrocks pinned to her coat ) SHAWN (Holding head ): I’m getting a giant headache from this Granny- SHAWN : You still have one wish left? from-Killarney business! ( Front door (Desperately ) Then you’ve got to help opens. GRANNY enters. SHAWN me! groans .) Oh, no! Not you! GRANNY : So, you believe in me now, do GRANNY (Cheerfully ): I told you I’d be you? ( Laughs ) back. SHAWN : To tell the truth, I’m still not SHAWN (Upset ): Go away! I don’t have sure. a great-great-grandmother in Ireland. GRANNY : I’ve one wish left, and I need GRANNY : Of course not. I’m here. it to wish myself back to Ireland.

SHAWN : You’re just a hallucination. SHAWN : I made such stupid wishes. If only I could take even one of them GRANNY : Did you ever have hallucina - back! tions before? GRANNY : Which one? SHAWN (Testily ): No! Not until you charged into my life! SHAWN : That Haley would never speak to me again. I can’t believe I said GRANNY : Ah! So the wishes haven’t such a crazy thing. gone too well? ( She steps up on high- backed chair and perches on back of it, GRANNY (Musing ): Let me think. We her feet on seat. ) have just one wish between the two of us. How best can we use it? ( Puts fin - SHAWN : You can say that again. ger to her head ) I know! ( Then hesitat - ing ) Ah, ’tis foolish even to consider it. GRANNY : I warned you the power is dangerous. SHAWN : Tell me!

SHAWN : My sister’s mad at me, I’ve GRANNY : I could wish your third wish

20 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com canceled, and then you’d have it back. HALEY : Shawn, I just had to come back.

SHAWN : Oh, that would be great! SHAWN : Haley! You spoke to me! (Going to her ) I’m sorry I was so mean. GRANNY : But where does that leave me? Stranded in a strange country HALEY : Me, too. Because I’m sure you without a single wish left to my name. know as well as I do that there are no leprechauns. ( GRANNY’s head pops up SHAWN (Sighing ): No, I can’t ask you from behind chair, and SHAWN turns to do that. ( Suddenly ) But if you used HALEY away quickly to keep her from your last wish to cancel mine, then I’d noticing. GRANNY waves at him and still have one left! ducks down again. SHAWN laughs. )

GRANNY : That you would, lad, to use SHAWN : So you will go to the dance any way you wanted. And how might with me? that be? HALEY : I never thought of going with SHAWN : Not for college admission, or anyone else. ( ABBY and JOSH enter. the art contest. Haley was right; we ABBY wears sweater .) shouldn’t wish for things that we ought to earn. ABBY (Happily ): Josh just asked me to the dance! ( JOSH picks up his jacket GRANNY : Would you promise to use it and puts it on .) We’re going out for an to help me? ice cream. Want to come with us?

SHAWN : If I could. HALEY : Just a minute.

GRANNY : All you’d have to do is wish JOSH (Smiling at ABBY ): Abby me safe home again. thought I had another girl in mind. No hard feelings, Shawn? SHAWN : Oh, sure, I’d do that. Of course I would. SHAWN (Smiling, offering his hand to JOSH ): Of course not. ( They shake GRANNY : Is it a bargain, then? ( Hops hands .) down from chair ) JOSH (Turning to ABBY; smiling ): SHAWN : A bargain. ( They shake Let’s go, gorgeous! ( He takes her hand, hands. ) and they go to the front door. )

GRANNY : Then here goes. I wish ABBY (Beaming, dreamily ): Yeah, let’s Shawn’s third wish canceled, so that go. ( They exit. ) he has it back again! ( Offstage “Bong!” is heard. ) SHAWN : That’s funny. Abby made three wishes—that Josh would think SHAWN : That’s it? she’s gorgeous, that he’d like her, and that he’d telephone her. And they all GRANNY (Nodding ): Canceled. You came true. have your last wish back. ( There is a knock on front door, and GRANNY HALEY : Without any magic at all. So steps quickly behind high-backed chair you see how foolish you were? so she is hidden. HALEY enters .) SHAWN (Standing to right of high-

MARCH 2015 21 backed chair ): Yeah. And I feel better shin. He jumps .) Stop it! I wish you’d now when I think about college. Just go back to where you came from! the same, I wish—( From behind chair, (Rubbing his leg, not realizing what he GRANNY’s hand reaches out and has said, he joins HALEY at coffee tweaks his ear hard. HALEY does not table. “Bong!” is heard offstage .) see this. ) Ouch! ( He rubs his ear .) HALEY (Staring at SHAWN ): Am I sup - HALEY (Turning ): What’s the matter? posed to go back to where I came from?

SHAWN (Quickly ): My ear itches. SHAWN : Oh, no, no! ( GRANNY comes quickly from behind chair and goes to HALEY : Ready to go? front door. She waves and blows SHAWN a kiss, as he looks toward her. SHAWN (Standing to left of chair ): I’m Then she drops shamrock and exits, sure you’ll do well in that art contest, leaving door partly open .) Haley. I certainly wish—( GRANNY’s hand reaches out and tweaks his other HALEY : Let’s go for that ice cream. ear .) O-ow! (Goes to front door ) Hey—weird that the door’s open. ( Shrugs; looks down ) HALEY (Turning back ): What? Oh, look! ( Picks up shamrock ) There’s a clover leaf on the floor. ( Gives it to SHAWN : My other ear itches. ( Rubs it, SHAWN as he joins her ) then puts on his jacket ) There’s some - thing I have to do before we leave. SHAWN : It looks more like a real sham - (Goes back toward chair ) rock to me.

HALEY : The paper shamrock? ( Looks in HALEY : Then where did it come from? box ) We’ll still have time to finish them. (Quickly ) Let’s not start any of that again. Come on! ( She exits. SHAWN SHAWN : The job would be all done if I picks up shamrock and smiles. He puts hadn’t goofed off. I wish—( GRANNY’s it on coffee table and exits. Curtain ) foot comes out and kicks him in the THE END

PRODUCTION NOTES Granny from Killarney

CHARACTERS : 2 male, 4 female. crepe paper, paper shamrocks, and PLAYING TIME : 25 minutes. scissors in it; textbook, pencil, paper; COSTUMES : Granny wears an old dark small packets of safety pins; purse coat and a bright green shawl over her with brush in it; Scotch tape; grocery head. (When the shawl is pulled off, bags. her large, slightly pointed ears are SETTING : The O’Dell living room. A revealed.) On her second appearance, desk, chair, and telephone are up cen - Granny has a bunch of real shamrocks ter. Sofa and coffee table are left of cen - pinned to her coat. Others wear appro - ter, and high-backed chair is down priate modern dress and outdoor cloth - right. Front door is up left, and door to ing. On their final appearance, Josh rest of house is at right. wears band-aid on his nose, Abby LIGHTING : No special effects. wears a sweater. SOUND : Telephone rings, knocks on PROPERTIES : Large box with green door, offstage “Bong!” sound.

22 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. Dramatized Classic (Upper Grades) copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).

The Pardoner’s Tale Three greedy thieves learn the hard way that money is the root of all evil. . . .

Adapted from Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales by Lowell Swortzell

Characters where I live, this morning, and have journeyed all day. But now I am stop - GEOFFREY CHAUCER ping overnight at the Tabard Inn. I hope you decide to stay, too. There is a PARDONER group of travelers here whose compa - ny I heartily commend. Twenty-nine THREE THIEVES in number they are, and, like myself, on a pilgrimage to Canterbury. You’ll TAVERN MAID find among them every pattern and variety of people in England. Come OLD MAN with me; I’ll introduce you. ( Starts left, as PARDONER enters left. ) Here is the APOTHECARY Pardoner.

PARDONER (Greeting audience ): Hello! TIME : Long ago, in the 1300’s. Would any of you like to buy a pardon? (Holds out scrolls ) SETTING : A large tree stands center, with three baskets under it. Three stools CHAUCER : Tell us what a pardoner and a small table are left. There is a does, my friend. bench down right. Exits are right, left and up center. PARDONER : It is my profession to sell people pardons for their sins. ( Slyly ) AT RISE : GEOFFREY CHAUCER And because many people have many enters and speaks to the audience. sins, I sell many pardons. ( To audi - ence ) If any of you needs to be par - CHAUCER : My name is Geoffrey doned for anything you’ve done, or not Chaucer and I am on my way to the done, I’ll be happy to help you. town of Canterbury to visit the great cathedral. And also to see the shrine of CHAUCER (Interrupting ): No, no, no. Saint Thomas à Becket. I left London, You will not transact business here.

MARCH 2015 23 Talk of something else. These people 1ST THIEF (To MAID ): Hey, there! are not here to hear a sales pitch. Bring us more to eat and drink.

PARDONER : Whenever I speak, it is TAVERN MAID (In unfriendly tone ): You upon one subject: that money is the shall have it, if only to keep you quiet. root of all evil. 2ND THIEF (Looking around ): Where CHAUCER (Amused ): We all know that has everyone gone? to be true, whether we abide by it or not. TAVERN MAID : Why, home, of course. Do you not see the sun coming up? PARDONER : But when I speak on this (Sound of bell ringing is heard off - subject, I do it so persuasively that stage .) people often give me all their money. (Greedily rubbing hands together ) And 3RD THIEF : Is that why the church bells I love money better than anything else toll? in the world. TAVERN MAID : No, they ring for a CHAUCER (Wryly ): That’s too bad. friend of yours.

PARDONER : I have an idea. Let me try 1ST THIEF : What are you talking my persuasive speech on you. ( To audi - about? ence) And you. TAVERN MAID : Why, the man who was CHAUCER : Tell it if you like, but I will sitting with you last night. ( Points left ) not give you a penny. He was stabbed just outside that door, by a stranger. PARDONER : You haven’t heard my story yet. Listen, and then we’ll see 3RD THIEF : What stranger? what the result is. ( PARDONER and CHAUCER cross right as he speaks .) 1ST THIEF : I saw no stranger here last Some years ago in Flanders lived three night. thieves much given to wickedness. They were greedy and lazy. They TAVERN MAID : No on sees him, but he laughed loudly at everyone who scold - kills many in this country. During the ed them and refused to improve them - last plague he slew a thousand. selves. ( THREE THIEVES enter left, laughing and slapping each other on 2ND THIEF : What a cruel villain! their backs. They sit on stools. PAR - DONER and CHAUCER take seats on TAVERN MAID : Always be ready to bench, right, and watch. ) meet him, my mother taught me.

1ST THIEF (Calling offstage ): Tavern 3RD THIEF : I don’t want to encounter maid! Come here! him.

2ND THIEF (Impatiently ): Where is she? 1ST THIEF : Yet I wonder where he lives, this deadly thief? 3RD THIEF : Asleep, probably. We’re the only ones left. We’ve been here the TAVERN MAID : In the next village whole night. ( TAVERN MAID enters, where all were killed, I am told. rubbing eyes .) 1ST THIEF : Listen. I have an idea that

24 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com may protect us and work revenge upon away, as they were about to climb over this stranger. a fence, the thieves met an old man. (THIEVES reenter, left, as OLD MAN 2ND THIEF : Tell us your plan. enters, right .)

1ST THIEF : We will find this false fel - OLD MAN (In a squeaky voice ): Good low. Then he who has slain so many luck to you, my fine lords. himself shall be slain. 1ST THIEF (Rudely ): Bad luck to you, 2ND THIEF : An excellent idea! old fellow.

3RD THIEF : We three will band togeth - 3RD THIEF : Why have you lived so long er to murder this man, is that what and grown so old? you mean? OLD MAN : Because no young man is 2ND THIEF : Yes, and he shall pay dear - willing to exchange his youth for my ly for stabbing our friend. old age. I have looked the world over; even the ground will not receive me 3RD THIEF : I will help you. there. So, I keep walking, but I find no rest. 1ST THIEF (To 2ND THIEF ): And you? 1ST THIEF (Slyly ): We know of one who 2ND THIEF : Of course. would gladly give you rest. ( Broadly nudges others ) 1ST THIEF : Then it is agreed. (THIEVES shake hands .) 2ND THIEF : The man we seek would end your walking. TAVERN MAID : You are brave to go after this man, but foolish, too, I fear. 3RD THIEF : Perhaps you know him. He lives near here. 1ST THIEF : We are thieves ourselves; we know the tricks of such a man. 1ST THIEF : Have you seen anyone go by?

2ND THIEF : Besides, we are three OLD MAN : I know the man you seek. against one; surely, we can overpower You will find him up this path and him. under an oak. ( He points to tree center .)

TAVERN MAID : Do not underestimate 2ND THIEF (To other THIEVES ): Come, his strength. let’s be on our way.

3RD THIEF (To other THIEVES ): Are 3RD THIEF : Should we not rob this old we ready? man before we leave?

1ST THIEF : Let’s be off to find him. 1ST THIEF : Do not waste time on him. (THIEVES exit left, each carrying off a stool .) 2ND THIEF : He is penniless, I vow.

TAVERN MAID (Waving after them ): 1ST THIEF (To OLD MAN ): Be gone, old Goodbye, poor thieves. Goodbye. man, you are disgusting. (Exits, taking table ) 3RD THIEF : We wish to forget your ugly PARDONER : Not more than half a mile face.

MARCH 2015 25 OLD MAN : Go meet the stranger you 1ST THIEF : Fortune has given us this seek. Perhaps you will find him more treasure, and we will spend it as easily pleasant to look upon. ( He exits right .) as we came upon it. We must make plans. 1ST THIEF (Walking toward tree ): I see something under that tree ahead. 2ND THIEF : Why, let’s be off to the tav - (Others join him. ) ern and buy a glorious supper.

2ND THIEF : Baskets, I believe. 1ST THIEF : You are stupid, my friend. We cannot move this money during the 3RD THIEF : Filled with something. But day. Only at night. If anyone saw us what? ( They approach the baskets cau - with this money, they would know that tiously. ) we had stolen it and hang us.

1ST THIEF : Be careful, my friends. This 3RD THIEF : What do you propose to do, could be a trick of the stranger we then? seek. 1ST THIEF : We will move the money 2ND THIEF : I will uncover the baskets. this evening. For now, one of us must (Snatches the covers off ) go into town and fetch a cold meal while the other two guard the treasure 3RD THIEF : Gold coins! Gold coins! here.

1ST THIEF : Hundreds of them! 3RD THIEF : I will go. Since I am the youngest, I can run the fastest. 3RD THIEF : Are they real? 1ST THIEF : Then, be on your way. 2ND THIEF : Yes, just run your hands through them! ( He picks up several 2ND THIEF : Yes, for I am already hun - coins .) gry and thirsty.

3RD THIEF : Whom do they belong to, I 3RD THIEF : I will bring all you can eat wonder? and drink. ( Exits left )

1ST THIEF : To us, of course. 1ST THIEF (To 2ND THIEF; craftily ): You have heard only part of my plan. 2ND THIEF : Perhaps they belong to the Now that our friend has left, I will tell stranger we seek. you the rest.

1ST THIEF : Forget the stranger. With 2ND THIEF : Oho! I thought you were up this money, we will be the richest men to something! in the world. 1ST THIEF : Why should we divide the 3RD THIEF : Nevertheless, we should gold among three of us, when we can revenge the death of our friend. divide it just between the two of us instead? 1ST THIEF : Not now. I can think only of these beautiful coins. 2ND THIEF : He knows about the gold, though, and if we do not give him his 2ND THIEF : I’ve never seen so many! share, he will tell someone that we (He runs his hands through coins. ) have stolen it.

26 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com 1ST THIEF : I have thought of that, too. APOTHECARY : Rid yourself of every When he returns, we will fight with pest that annoys you. him. Use your dagger, and he will tell nothing. Then, all the gold, good 3RD THIEF : I intend to, good Apothe- friend, will belong to you and me! cary. I intend to. Farewell. ( APOTHE - CARY exits right .) I will pour all the 2ND THIEF : Very well, I will go along poison into two bottles of water, and with your plan. We shall be rid of him. then take the water to my friends. (They walk off, right, still talking. 3RD When they have swallowed it, I shall THIEF reenters left. ) have all the gold for myself. ( He exits left. ) 3RD THIEF (To himself ): As I walk to town, one thought turns over and over 2ND THIEF (Reentering with 1ST in my head. I would like to have all the THIEF ): I wonder why he is taking so gold for myself! ( He stops suddenly. ) I long. have an idea. ( Looking off, calling ) Good Apothecary, I wish to buy some - 1ST THIEF : No doubt he stopped at the thing from you. Come here. ( APOTHE - tavern before starting back. CARY enters right. ) 2ND THIEF : My thirst is so great that I APOTHECARY : What is it you need? can barely swallow.

3RD THIEF : My house is overrun with 1ST THIEF : Do not forget our plan. I will rats. Please sell me the most powerful trip him and you will do the rest. poison so I may be rid of them. 2ND THIEF : I am ready. ( He pats his APOTHECARY : This will take care of dagger .) them. ( He holds up small cloth bag .) 1ST THIEF : Draw your dagger, for I 3RD THIEF : Is it strong enough for pole - hear him coming. ( 3RD THIEF reen - cats, too? ters left, carrying bottles and humming merrily .) APOTHECARY : No, not that strong. 3RD THIEF : Hello! I have brought you 3RD THIEF : Then you must give me something to eat and drink. something for the polecats that live in my yard. I can’t bear them any longer. 1ST THIEF : Good! We have a surprise for you. APOTHECARY (Holding up another bag ): Here is the poison. 3RD THIEF : What is it?

3RD THIEF : I hear vermin that prowl at 1ST THIEF : Come here, and we will night. Will this silence them? show you. ( 3RD THIEF approaches and is knocked to the ground by 1ST APOTHECARY : You must have still THIEF. Bottles fall. 2ND THIEF another. ( He brings forth another small jumps on 3RD THIEF and quickly bag .) “stabs” him. 3RD THIEF lies motion - less .) 3RD THIEF : Thank you, Apothecary, for selling me this poison. ( Hands coins to 2ND THIEF : He was so surprised it was APOTHECARY ) Here you are. very easy. ( He rises and puts away dagger .)

MARCH 2015 27 1ST THIEF : You have done well, my woolens for pardons! ( To CHAUCER ) friend. He didn’t make a sound. Chaucer, won’t you buy the first?

2ND THIEF : Now, let us celebrate. CHAUCER : Truly, Pardoner, you have told a good story, but I will not buy a 1ST THIEF : Indeed, we will. We deserve pardon from you. Why, you are after a drink for this deed. ( They pick up bot - our money just as much as those tles and pantomime drinking deeply. ) thieves we saw, you rascal.

2ND THIEF : This is strange-tasting PARDONER (Offended ): Rascal, am I? water our friend has brought. Never will I speak to you again.

1ST THIEF : It tastes too bitter for my CHAUCER : Come, now, we must all liking. remain friends. Shake hands, and make up. 2ND THIEF (Dropping bottle and stag - gering ): I am dizzy. PARDONER : Very well, I agree. ( They shake hands. ) And if ever you need my 1ST THIEF (Rubbing eyes with hands ): I services, I will be happy to sell you a cannot see. pardon.

2ND THIEF : What’s wrong? I feel weak! CHAUCER : That won’t be necessary, for (He falls. Looks at bottles ) We have whenever I am tempted to sin, I will been tricked! think of your story, and I know I will not get into trouble. 1ST THIEF (Gasping ): We have been poisoned! ( They fall to the ground and PARDONER : Than I shall go penniless. lie motionless. After a slight pause, OLD MAN enters, up center, behind CHAUCER : It is your own fault, dear tree. ) man. Your story has put you out of business. It is too good for your own OLD MAN (Looking at THIEVES ): good. Now, my young friends, you have found the stranger you sought. ( He PARDONER : Alas! I am ruined. The Old smiles sinisterly, bows to each THIEF, Man under the tree has tricked me, and exits behind tree. Curtain closes .) just as he did those thieves.

PARDONER (Rising with CHAUCER CHAUCER : Perhaps, but we appreciate and crossing center in front of curtain ): the lesson your story has taught us, You see, money is the root of all evil. It and to show our gratitude, we will par - is the heart of most sins. But, friend, don you with our applause. ( He leads do not worry about your sins, however the audience in applause, as PARDON - wicked. You will not drink poison, you ER, joined by the rest of the cast, bows. will not be murdered by your best Curtain ) friend. Not if you buy pardons from THE END me. ( Proclaiming ) Step up, one and all! (Production Notes on page 64 ) If you have no money, exchange your

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Dramatized Classic (Upper & Middle Grades)

The Open Window Mischievous young girl terrorizes a visitor to her family’s home with sinister tales from her overactive imagination. . . .

Adapted from the story by H.H. Munro (Saki) by Carol D. Wise

Characters NUTTEL : Yes. . .for a while. ( Looks around, nervously ) FRAMTON NUTTEL VERA, precocious 15-year-old VERA : Oh? Are you ill, Mr. Nuttel?

MRS. SAPPLETON, Vera’s aunt NUTTEL : Ill? No. . .not ill. I—well, I MR. SAPPLETON suppose I tend to be rather nervous. I came to the country for some rest and an opportunity to cure my nerves. TIME : Victorian England. VERA (Smiling ): Ah, I see! Well, the SETTING : A country house. A large open country is just the place for that! My French window looking out onto a lawn aunt will be down presently, Mr. is up center. A sofa is left and a chair Nuttel; in the meantime you must try right. The door to outside is right. and put up with me.

AT RISE : VERA is sitting on sofa, read - NUTTEL : Well, I’m sure that will be a... ing a book. There is a knock at the door. pleasant task. You appear to be quite She rises to open it to FRAMTON NUT - amiable. TEL. VERA : Amiable? Oh, of course! I am FRAMTON NUTTEL : Hello, young lady. exceedingly amiable. Everyone says My name is Framton Nuttel, and I so. ( Long pause ) Tell me, Mr. Nuttel, have a letter of introduction from my do you know many of the people ’round sister for Mrs. Sappleton. I believe she here? is expecting me. NUTTEL (Nervously ): Er. . .hardly a VERA : Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Nuttel! soul. My sister was staying here at the My name is Vera. Mrs. Sappleton is my rectory, you know, some four years aunt. We did hear that you were mov - ago, and she gave me letters of intro - ing here to the country. duction to some of the people here.

MARCH 2015 29 VERA : Then you know practically noth - VERA (Shaking her head ): Oh—it was ing about my aunt? quite terrible! ( Pauses; solicitously ) Are you sure that your nerves are able NUTTEL : Only her name and address. to handle this?

VERA : You haven’t heard about my NUTTEL : My nerves? Oh, well. . .as you aunt’s great tragedy? say, I should learn this story if I am to live in the neighborhood. Do go on. NUTTEL (Shocked ): Her great tragedy? Why, no. My sister said nothing about VERA (Leading him closer to the win - a tragedy. dow ): In crossing the moor to their favorite snipe-shooting ground, they VERA (In a somber tone ): It happened were all three engulfed in a treacher - just three years ago. That would be ous piece of bog. It had been that since your sister’s time. dreadful wet summer, you know, and places that were safe in other years NUTTEL : Ah, yes. . .I am so sorry to hear gave way suddenly without warning. about a tragedy. ( Looking around ) Somehow in this restful country spot, NUTTEL (Gasping ): Oh, do you mean tragedies seem so out of place. that they—

VERA : Oh, Mr. Nuttel, tragedies hap - VERA (Nodding significantly ): Disap- pen in the country as well as in the peared completely. Their bodies were city. never recovered. That was the dreadful part of it. NUTTEL (Sighing ): I suppose you are right. NUTTEL (Shaking his head ): Oh, your poor aunt! What a nightmare for her! VERA : You may wonder why we keep that window wide open on an October VERA (Sniffing ): She’s never been the afternoon. ( Indicates window ) same since it happened.

NUTTEL : It is quite warm for this time NUTTEL : I should imagine not. of the year, but does that window have anything to do with the tragedy? VERA : Poor aunt always thinks that they will come back someday. VERA (Firmly ): Oh, indeed, it does. NUTTEL (Surprised ): Come back here ? NUTTEL : Pardon me. I do not mean to pry. Your aunt’s private affairs are VERA : Indeed. She believes that my none of my business. uncles—and the little brown spaniel that was lost with them—will walk in VERA : Oh, you will hear about it soon - that window just as they used to do. er or later if you are going to stay in That is why the window is kept open the neighborhood. ( Leans closer and every evening till it is quite dusk. lowers her voice ) Out through that win - dow ( Gesturing ), three years ago to the NUTTEL : Poor woman! Can nothing be day, my uncle and my aunt’s two done to help her? younger brothers went off for their day’s shooting. . .and never came back. VERA : The doctors have despaired of a cure. Poor dear aunt, she can talk of NUTTEL : How tragic! What happened? nothing else. She has often told me

30 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com how they went out, her husband with MRS. SAPPLETON : They’ve been out for his white waterproof coat over his arm, snipe in the marshes today, so they’ll and Ronnie, her youngest brother, make a fine mess over my poor carpets. singing “Bertie, why do you bound?” as So like you menfolk, isn’t it? But I tol - he always did to tease her, because she erate it, you know. My husband just said it got on her nerves. loves to shoot, and he loves to take my younger brothers with him—even NUTTEL (Shaking head ): Such a tragedy! though there is a scarcity of birds. Of course, they always get duck in the VERA (Leaning closer as though in con - winter. . . . fidence ): Do you know, sometimes on still, quiet evenings like this, I almost NUTTEL (Looking around ): Er, Mrs. get a creepy feeling that they will all Sappleton, what a lovely home you walk in through that window. Oh, but have! Georgian, I suppose? of course it’s utterly ridiculous, and I know that, but my aunt. . .sadly she MRS. SAPPLETON (Quickly ): Oh yes, of continues to wait—and hope. ( Looks course. ( Turns back to window ) I always left ) But—here she comes now... ( MRS. worry about them when they are out SAPPLETON enters left .) hunting. One never knows about guns. But that’s what men love to do here in MRS. SAPPLETON : Mr. Nuttel, please the country. Do you hunt, Mr. Nuttel? forgive me for being late. NUTTEL : Ah, no! Not at all. Not good for NUTTEL : Oh, Mrs. Sappleton! That is the nerves. . . .( Looking at the rug ) I quite all right, I assure you. don’t believe I ever seen a carpet as lovely as this one. Persian, I presume? MRS. SAPPLETON (Gesturing to the chair ): Please sit down. ( NUTTEL sits MRS. SAPPLETON (Glancing at rug ): on the chair and MRS. SAPPLETON Oh, yes, it is. My husband always says and VERA sit on the sofa .) that he hunts to enjoy the beauty of nature as well as the thrill of the MRS. SAPPLETON : I hope Vera has been chase. amusing you? ( NUTTEL and VERA exchange looks .) NUTTEL (Clearing his throat ): Perhaps I have come at a bad time. . . NUTTEL : Oh, yes, indeed, she has been very interesting. MRS. SAPPLETON : Oh, of course not. They should be back at any minute, MRS. SAPPLETON (Gesturing toward and I would love for you to meet them. the open window ): I hope you don’t mind the open window. NUTTEL (Glancing at his watch ): You know, Mrs. Sappleton, I probably NUTTEL (Looking significantly at should be going. It’s been lovely visit - VERA ): Oh, no, of course not. ing with you, but I have to take it easy for a while. My nerves, you know. The MRS. SAPPLETON : My husband and doctors agree in ordering me complete brothers will be home directly from rest, an absence of mental excitement, shooting, and they always come in this and avoidance of anything in the way. ( NUTTEL looks at VERA, who nature of violent physical exercise. shakes her head. ) MRS. SAPPLETON : Oh, I see. ( Looking NUTTEL : Ah, I see. out the window ) I do wish they’d hurry.

MARCH 2015 31 NUTTEL : On the matter of diet they are MR. SAPPLETON (As he enters through not so much in agreement. Some doc - the window ): Here I am, my dear, fair - tors say more meat, and others say ly muddy, but most of it’s dry. I sent more green vegetables. the boys around to the garage to clean up. Who was that who bolted out as we MRS. SAPPLETON : One never knows arrived? how to eat these days. Everything’s bad for you! ( Continues looking out the MRS. SAPPLETON : A most extraordi - window and suddenly brightens ) Ah! nary man, a Mr. Nuttel. Poor dear—he Here they are at last! could only talk about his illnesses, and dashed off without a word of goodbye NUTTEL (Horrified ): I beg your pardon? or apology when you arrived. One would think he had seen a ghost. MRS. SAPPLETON : Just in time for tea, and don’t they look as if they were MR. SAPPLETON : Poor man. I will have muddy up to the eyes! to pay him a visit tomorrow.

NUTTEL (Sympathetically ): Mrs. Sap- VERA : I expect it was the spaniel; he pleton, you might want to rest for a told me he had a horror of dogs. He was while. . . once hunted into a cemetery some - where on the banks of the Ganges by a VERA (Jumping up and going to the pack of pariah dogs, and had to spend window ): Mr. Nuttel! Look! They are the night in a newly dug grave with coming! My uncle, the boys, and even the creatures snarling and grinning the little brown cocker spaniel! ( NUT - and foaming just above him. Enough to TEL leaps to his feet and peers out the make anyone lose their nerve. window as voice in the background says, “Bertie, why do you bound?” ) MR. SAPPLETON : Vera, you have the most incredible imagination! You NUTTEL (Frantic ): I’m leaving! At once! make up the most bizarre stories!

VERA : Mr. Nuttel! MRS. SAPPLETON : Indeed she does! I don’t know what the child will think of MRS. SAPPLETON : Can’t you stay to next! ( VERA smiles serenely at audi - meet my husband and brothers? ence as curtain closes. ) (NUTTEL rushes off right. ) What an THE END odd man!

PRODUCTION NOTES The Open Window

CHARACTERS : 2 male, 2 female; off - SETTING : A country house. A large open stage male voice. French window looking out onto a lawn PLAYING TIME : 20 minutes. is up center. A sofa is left and a chair COSTUMES : Early 1900s upper-clas right. The door to outside is right. English dress. Mr. Nuttel wears a PROPERTIES : Book. watch. Mr. Sappleton is in hunting LIGHTING and SOUND : No special clothes. effects.

32 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Middle Grades Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).

Prince Roger and the Dastardly Marriage Plot A large-cast play featuring one bride, two grooms, and a kingdom full of silliness. . . by Amber Herrick

Characters SCENE 1 TIME : Long ago, far away, as the dawn PRINCE ROGER is breaking. LADY AGATHA, Roger’s intended bride SETTING : Lady Agatha’s bedchamber. At center sits a four-poster bed. THE KING THE QUEEN AT RISE : LADY AGATHA sleeps sound - LORD ARCHIBALD RATTIGAN, ly, gently snoring, eye mask and night - cap on. ROGER tiptoes in left, carrying aka “Roger” a mound of fluffy pillows, which he gen - GRANNY BETTY (DUCHESS BAT - tly places to the side of the bed, below TINA) AGATHA’s head and facing audience. He slowly backs up, then bolts forward GRANNY WILLIE (DUCHESS and jumps on the end of the bed. WILHELMINA) MRS. HONEYCUTT, of Posie ROGER : Guess what! Corner Cottage AGATHA (Slipping out of bed and onto ROYAL BAKERS pillow pile ): Gack! ( Pulls off mask ) ROYAL FLORISTS Prince Roger! What are you doing in my room? ROYAL DRESSMAKERS MOOSE TAMER ROGER : Relating the most thrilling of HOUSEWIVES OF MOSSGROVE news, naturally, my most beloved Pudding Face. JUDGE LORDS AND LADIES OF THE AGATHA (Standing and crossing arms ): ROYAL COURT Let me guess. You found a unicorn.

ROGER : No.

MARCH 2015 33 AGATHA : A mermaid? ROGER : After breakfast. I wanted to make sure your little tummy was full ROGER : No, but close. before you had to face so great an honor as marrying your Prince. AGATHA : You’re going on a golden egg hunt and won’t be back for a year? AGATHA (Stunned ): Today ?

ROGER : Closer. ROGER (Flinging his arms open wide and facing left ): Come on in, everyone! AGATHA : You woke up this morning She’s up! ( A parade of people enters: missing your head and need me to help DRESSMAKERS holding yards of fab - you look for it. ric, BAKERS holding a cake, ROYAL FLORISTS holding large bouquets, ROGER : Warmer! MOOSE TAMER, in a dress uniform, holding a bull whip .) Let’s get these AGATHA : You discovered eating puree pesky details ironed out! We have a of newt makes you shrink to the size of wedding to throw before lunch! a thimble and you want me to keep a lookout while you explore the world of AGATHA (As DRESSMAKERS hold fab - the miniature ric up to her neck ): This is outrageous!

ROGER : Nothing so mundane. ROGER : What’s outrageous is the (Dramatic pause ) I’m getting married! stinginess of this fabric. ( He tosses fab - ric aside .) It’s a wedding gown, not a AGATHA (Shocked ): What do you mean, bathing suit! Twice as much, at least. you’re getting married? You’re engaged to me! AGATHA (With carefully controlled tem - per ): Roger, I have lived at Mossgrove ROGER (Kindly ): I know that. Don’t you castle for ten years. When my father think I remember asking you under sent me here he informed me you the elms the night I couldn’t remember were—how shall I put this—a “raving how many arms I had? Don’t you loony bird,” and that you would proba - remember holding open all the doors bly do something insane five minutes for me? after my arrival and if you did to come straight home and that would be the AGATHA : Of course I remember. And so end of our family’s obligation to your I repeat, how could you be getting mar - family. Do you remember what you did ried? four minutes and fifty nine seconds after my arrival? ROGER : Well, that’s what engaged peo - ple do, don’t they? ROGER (Tasting the cake frosting ): I believe I tried to recruit your help in AGATHA (Slowly ): Roger, are you beheading a mountain of beets I need - telling me that we are getting married? ed for my medicinal beet casserole.

ROGER : Of course. You think I would AGATHA : You were dripping from head marry someone I wasn’t engaged to? to toe in beet juice, holding an armful of mangled beets, and yelling for a AGATHA : I can’t have these kinds of knife. But I did not go home to my discussions when I’m half-asleep. I father. Instead I wrote him that hope you will condescend to inform me reports of your eccentricity were exag - when we are getting married. gerated.

34 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com ROGER : Very sensible. ( To baker ) Do AGATHA : I mean it, and I’ll show it. I you think we can work some beet juice shall refuse to marry him. That’s what into this frosting? Just enough to make I’ll do! ( All in room stop what they are it a frightful red. doing to stare in surprise. AGATHA continues with increasing determina - AGATHA : It didn’t help that you insist - tion .) After all, what would life be like ed on sending my letter by badger, and married to a prince who won’t bother to that my father was bitten trying to ask my opinion before adopting a tribe open it. of wild men? Or moving me and the royal family to the Great Icy North, to ROGER (Patting her head affectionate- play with snow bears the rest of our ly ): In the splendid years since your days? He must learn to show considera - blessed arrival, you have endeared tion for the feelings of others and he yourself to the people of Mossgrove by will start this day. He will start now! your thoughtful attentions to the Stand aside! ( Others make way as she needy and your heartfelt kindness to dramatically exits left .) everyone you meet. They heartily approve of their future Queen, and will MOOSE TAMER : You don’t suppose she’ll even more so when you arrive at the really refuse to marry the Prince of the Great Hall sporting this on your Realm, do you? Who ever heard of such adorable coconut! ( He holds up a giant a shocking thing? pink bow. AGATHA quietly picks up a large pillow .) ROYAL FLORISTS : She couldn’t! She wouldn’t! AGATHA (With controlled anger ): I have just one more question for you, my BAKER : Of course she won’t. ( Pause ) But prince. Who in the world is that? ( She I’ll start collecting rutabagas for the points to MOOSE TAMER. ) Prince’s Medicinal Brokenheart pie, just in case. ( All exit as curtain closes .) ROGER : The moose tamer, naturally. * * * We can’t have you ride into the hall on SCENE 2 an untamed moose. Your bow might TIME : A few minutes later. fall off. ( AGATHA holds up the pillow in a threatening manner and ROGER SETTING : Great Hall of Mossgrove begins to back up slowly .) No more Castle. Tapestries hang on the walls. time for chitchat, I’m off to inspect the Three thrones stand center. chocolate fountain. ( AGATHA throws the pillow, which ROGER neatly AT RISE : Sitting on two of the thrones dodges .) Until after breakfast, my love! are the KING and QUEEN. A third person stands to their left, his back to AGATHA (Throwing off the fabric the the audience. AGATHA enters, angry DRESSMAKERS have hung on her ): and ready for battle. How dare Roger do this to me? How dare he plan my wedding without me? AGATHA : Good, you’re all here. I must This time he has gone too far! ( She speak with Your Majesties at once. I— stomps and pounds her fist into her (She stops cold as the third person hand .) turns around to face her. It’s “ROGER,” in a slightly different tunic and with a DRESSMAKER (To others ): That remark goatee. A long sword hangs at his hip .) has been ten years in the making. ( The others start to giggle but come to a sud - QUEEN : Ah, here is your lovely bride to den halt at AGATHA’s black look .) be! Lady Agatha, you are all aglow on

MARCH 2015 35 your wedding day. Roger was just QUEEN : Don’t you think we know our sharing his final plans with us. The son? We’ll call him back at once— wedding will be so scrumptious! (AGATHA says nothing as she stares at AGATHA : No. I don’t know who that “ROGER.” ) was, and I agree he is an absolute match for Roger, but it isn’t him. That KING : Invitations have been going out man had a goatee. for months, and visitors are streaming in from all corners of the Kingdom. Such KING (Kindly ): Roger has a goatee, a wedding Mossgrove will never forget. dear. Remember he said it made him A chocolate fountain and everything! look smarter? And you said it made (AGATHA is still silent and staring. ) him look like a bandit?

“ROGER ”: Is anything wrong, my lady? AGATHA : He didn’t have it when he (His voice is cool and low, with none of woke me up a few minutes ago. He ROGER’s playfulness. ) must have shaved it off last night. But that man had a goatee. And another AGATHA (Slowly ): Why, no, my prince. thing: That man kept calling me “My I was thinking perhaps you might wish Lady.” Roger always calls me some - to inspect the cake the bakers have thing like “My Pearl” or “My Dove” or been preparing. They are in the “My Little Stinking Onion.” Not once in kitchens now. I wouldn’t dream of ten years has he called me “My Lady.” approving it without you. QUEEN : There may be a perfectly logical “ROGER ”: Of course! And if your explanation for all this. There is hardly majesties will excuse me, there are one need for such alarm. Your nerves are no or two tasks I must complete before the doubt taxed from all the excitement. ceremony. My lady. ( He bows graceful - ly to AGATHA, who curtsies in return, AGATHA (Firmly ): My nerves are as and then he exits left .) steady as a clock. And even if Roger managed to grow a goatee in five min - QUEEN (Worriedly ): Are you sure utes, as you suggest, that doesn’t you’re all right, dear? You—( She stops explain the sword. Since when does as AGATHA’s hand shoots up, motion - Roger wear a sword? He hates sharp ing for silence .) objects. He says no man should be a danger to himself. AGATHA : No, I am not all right. Something is very, very wrong. KING (Wonderingly ): You’re right, he is wearing a sword. Just a moment, I’ll KING : Agatha, perhaps we should call fetch a servant. ( He goes left, calls off Roger back, you seem in distress. loudly .) Winifred? Will you tell my son to bring his mother her scepter? She AGATHA : I’d love nothing better, except left it in the breakfast room. He’s in the for one problem: The man who just left kitchens. ( He quickly walks back to the us is not Roger. other two. ) We’ll soon settle this. No use getting panicked over nothing. The QUEEN (Astonished ): Of course it’s real Roger will know exactly where the Roger! Whatever do you mean? scepter is, especially since he’s the one who dropped it in Crocodile Lagoon AGATHA (In an intense whisper ): Please, wrestling that alligator. we must be quiet! I tell you it isn’t. QUEEN : Yes, of course he will. No one

36 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com could forget that, especially since he SCENE 3 lost, two matches to three. ( Suddenly TIME : One hour later. “ROGER” enters left, startling the group, who stare at him nervously. ) SETTING : Mrs. Honeycutt’s parlor at Posie Corner Cottage. There are sweet “ROGER ”: Your bridal cake is too exqui - pictures on the walls and several cozy site, my lady. So very red. I cannot chairs. At center is a parlor table; a wait for the bridal supper. Mother, the vase sits on top with berry-bush maid says you left your scepter in the branches spilling over onto the table. breakfast room? There are also branches peeking out of various objects throughout the room. QUEEN : Oh. Yes. Actually, it’s in the Jewel Room. Will you fetch it for me? AT RISE : The parlor is packed: GRAN- NY BETTY and GRANNY WILLIE sit “ROGER ” ( Smiling ): Of course, Mother. in chairs, each holding a rolling pin. I shall be right back. ( He exits. ) GRANNY WILLIE, very ancient, has a rusty tiara on her head and alternates QUEEN (Horrified ): You’re right, between pounding the rolling pin in her Agatha. That’s not Roger! hand and periodically falling asleep, snoring loudly. AGATHA sits on edge KING : Whoever it is, his smile is ghast - of table, plucking at the berries, deep in ly. And I’m afraid he looks as if he thought. HOUSEWIVES and MRS. knows how to use that sword. HONEYCUTT stand behind chairs. KING and QUEEN pace. QUEEN : What shall we do? GRANNY WILLIE : Trust my great- AGATHA : Fight back, naturally. nephew to get himself kidnapped on his wedding day! And he promised me KING : How? We can’t risk any sort of a dip in the chocolate fountain, too. armed conflict. We’d lose. GRANNY BETTY : Willie, hush. We’ve got QUEEN : And what has happened to our bigger problems than your sweet tooth. son? We can’t endanger Roger’s life by confronting this imposter until Roger QUEEN : Oh, what have they done with has been found! my precious little lambykins?

AGATHA (Thoughtfully ): You say your KING : And who is the man pretending relatives have streamed in from all to be Roger? over the kingdom? ( The other two nod .) Good. We’ll invite the most trustwor - AGATHA : That’s the key to the whole thy and clever to a council of war in the mystery. Who is he, and what does he village, to formulate a plan of attack. want?

QUEEN (Hopefully ): With a garrison MRS. HONEYCUTT : Your majesties, I you’ve hidden down there? must say I’m surprised he let the three of you out of sight. KING : Or at least with a band of burly village men? AGATHA : Barely. We have to hurry or he’ll get suspicious. I’m not sure all is AGATHA : No, Your Majesties. With the going according to plan with him, any - housewives. ( Smiles as curtain closes ) way. When we left he was on the castle * * * green, staring up a tree. He’s definite -

MARCH 2015 37 ly looking for something. AGATHA : What?!

GRANNY BETTY : Hurray! Roger’s given QUEEN : He was knighted five years ago. ’im the slip, you can bet on it. AGATHA : Archibald Rattigan? The AGATHA : Yes, but how? And can we mean-spirited little sneak who once find him before the stranger does? And cut off my pigtails with scissors and how do we get this imposter out of the blamed it on the servants— picture safely? And—Granny Willie, do you mind? You’re dripping berry juice KING : Yes. all over poor Mrs. Honeycutt’s lovely chair. ( AGATHA pulls a branch out of AGATHA : Who used to steal anything WILLIE’s hands. WILLIE takes a and everything, including our roof swipe at her and misses .) tiles, and blame it on the servants—

MRS. HONEYCUTT : That’s my fault, KING : Um, yes. Lady Agatha. I lost my mind this past winter and planted my entire vegetable AGATHA : Who used to beat the ser - garden over with winterberry bushes, vants and blame even that on the ser - and now I got thirty barrels of the stuff, vants— and it’s a’ going bad on me, and flocks of ravens circle my cottage day and night, KING : Yes! and the Prince himself sent me a cease and desist notice last week on account AGATHA : Who ate an entire barrel of of he said the ravens stare at him candied apples all by himself while we funny, so I got them out of the garden were distracted by the weeping ser - by stuffing berries into every receptacle vants— in this house, and I’m going to throw a berry eating party, and— KING : Yes, yes and yes!

AGATHA (Holding up her hand for AGATHA : Who on earth made that silence ): Wait a minute. Party. That’s thieving cheating creeping eel a Lord? where I’ve heard that odious Prince- wannabe’s voice before. Long, long ago. KING (Thoughtfully ): In hindsight, it At a party. . .( Snaps her fingers ) Of was a mistake. course! I know who that is! QUEEN : But we certainly didn’t invite ALL : Who? him to your wedding, and he lives a hundred miles off, in the North Deserts. AGATHA : It’s Archibald Rattigan! (There is a stunned pause .) GRANNY WILLIE (Snorting herself awake ): Who has dessert? QUEEN : Great heavens, I think you may be right. I haven’t seen him since AGATHA : Have a berry, Granny Willie. he was a child, but even then. . . (To others ) Well, someone must have invited him. He’s here. GRANNY BETTY : He always did look like Roger. Once I thought he was GRANNY BETTY (Thoughtfully ): In Roger and I tried to give him a candy, hindsight, it was a mistake. ( Everyone and the greedy little blighter bit me! stares at her. GRANNY WILLIE glares at her sister for a moment, then falls KING : Well, he’s Lord Rattigan now. back asleep. ) Well, at least I didn’t

38 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com invite Grammy Mimi. ( All except stand before thrones with RATTIGAN. AGATHA shudder in horror .) AGATHA wears wedding gown and giant pink bow on her head. GRANNY AGATHA : Who’s Grammy Mimi? BETTY, GRANNY WILLIE, MRS. HONEYCUTT stand to right and left. KING : Archibald’s great-grandmother Behind them are LORDS and LADIES. on his father’s side. We try not to speak Imposing JUDGE stands a bit off to the of her. left, holding huge, official-looking book.

GRANNY BETTY (To AGATHA ): She’s as JUDGE : And now, if there is to be no tall as a man and thin as a fishbone, further interruption from that moose, with long knobby fingers and burning we shall begin the ceremony. red eyes. I wish she was here. She’d fix Ratty for sure. ( During the next line, AGATHA (Pretending to be shocked ): AGATHA, deep in thought, starts snap - Wait! Roger and I haven’t eaten the ping her fingers .) She hates him, ever wedding muffins! since he told her her face could curdle an egg, and she tried to throw him off RATTIGAN : Wedding muffins? In the the castle turret, and it took six of us middle of a marriage ceremony? to—( Annoyed, to AGATHA ) what is it, (AGATHA whistles, and HOUSE - young’un? WIVES roll in an enormous chest. They wheel it center so it faces audience. Two AGATHA : That’s it! Ladies! Go get the more HOUSEWIVES enter holding plat - iron chest from the village smithy! ters of muffins .) Mrs. Honeycutt! Send your grandson to the castle kitchen to fetch Roger’s AGATHA : Our lives cannot become one Recipe Book! Granny Betty, Granny until we have shared a ceremonial Willie! ( GRANNY WILLIE shakes her - Winterberry-Lightningcherry- self awake. ) Get the berries together! Crabapple-Nutmeg-PinkPepper Big problems demand bold action. Muffin, the official muffin of Mossgrove. (Dramatic pause ) We’re going to make ’Tis your own recipe, my dearest prince. an entire treasure chest full of Roger’s Now, have a bite. ( She begins to feed Winterberry Muffins. ( All stare at her, him muffin as he protests .) puzzled .) RATTIGAN (Between bites ): Stop that at QUEEN : Won’t that be rather fattening? once. I’m not eating any muffins. We’re getting married! AGATHA : It will be rather tempting. We may not be able to bring Grammy AGATHA (Stopping ): Oh, did you want Mimi here, but I know of something me to send back the chest, then? The just as good, if not better. To the villagers will be most offended; it’s kitchens! ( Curtain closes .) their wedding gift, after all. * * * SCENE 4 RATTIGAN (Sneering ): Trust Mossgrove TIME : Late afternoon, dusk. to give muffins to their future king on his wedding day. There’s going to be SETTING : The Great Hall, decorated for a some changes around here, believe me. wedding. Flowers hang from walls and adorn thrones. Large vases scattered AGATHA : So you don’t want them. across stage are bursting with flowers. RATTIGAN (Adamantly ): No! AT RISE : AGATHA, KING and QUEEN

MARCH 2015 39 AGATHA : Even though they’re gold- QUEEN : How will he breathe? dusted? AGATHA : There’s a little panel in the RATTIGAN : Not even though they’re— back. ( She goes behind the chest and (Suddenly ) wait, they’re what? speaks into the back. ) We’re sending you to Grammy Mimi, Ratty! ( There’s a AGATHA : Gold dusted. Well, the ones in pause, then the banging starts up twice the chest are, anyway. But if you don’t as frantic .) And he has plenty of want them—( She motions to HOUSE - muffins inside to eat along the way. WIVES, who make as if to wheel the chest away. RATTIGAN throws his GRANNY BETTY : I wrote Mimi a note arms over the chest to stop them .) about what a naughty boy Ratty’s been. She’ll be furious! RATTIGAN : I command you to halt! ( To AGATHA ) And I command you to open GRANNY WILLIE : Mostly because he this chest at once. didn’t include her!

AGATHA : Certainly, my Prince. ( She AGATHA (Into back of chest ): Now takes keys hanging from a braid remember, if you should ever be so around her waist and opens the top of foolish as to come back, we will be chest very slowly. RATTIGAN leans ready for you. And no matter who over the edge to peer in. AGATHA turns sends you what, you are NOT invited to HOUSEWIVES .) Now! ( All HOUSE - to any more family get-togethers. Mrs. WIVES rush RATTIGAN and push Honeycutt, open the Great Hall doors. him into the chest. AGATHA slams the (MRS. HONEYCUTT obeys as top shut and locks it, to a great cheer .) HOUSEWIVES wheel chest out, the banging still going on inside. ) KING : You’ve done it! Goodbye, Lord Rattigan! And good rid - dance! ( A great cheer goes up from all GRANNY BETTY : That’ll teach him to in attendance, but they are silenced as usurp a throne. And crash our parties! AGATHA raises her hand .) And now we must find Roger! We’ll rouse the AGATHA : Ladies, his mailing label, if entire Kingdom if necessary. We shall you please. ( HOUSEWIVES produce a leave no stone unturned, no corner scroll, which AGATHA unwinds and unchecked, until we find my beloved sticks across the front of the chest, fac - Prince. Oh, why did I ever let my dar - ing audience .) ling out of my sight? How scared he must be, and without even his cookie GRANNY BETTY (Reading ): “Baroness jar to console him! Mimi Von Rattigan, Tremordan Castle, Black Ash Ravine, North Deserts.” KING : Agatha, did you see this? ( KING pulls note off muffin platter being held GRANNY WILLIE (Clinging to JUDGE ): by HOUSEWIFE, and QUEEN and The castle is hewn out of ancient black AGATHA crowd around to read it .) rock, with vultures circling day and night, and no living soul dares to AGATHA (Reading ): Dearest, Most approach its terrifying, skull-studded Adored Agatha, My Peal and Dove and gates! Beloved Onion, I write this from the cold comfort of AGATHA : Well Ratty’s going there right the ice box. I caught the Royal Baker in now, via ox-cart. ( From inside the chest the act of making my medicinal RATTIGAN is banging to be let out. ) Heartbreak Pie, rutabagas piled higher

40 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com than my head. Soon he told me the JUDGE shakes the other, GRANNIES whole horrible truth: You intend to and HOUSEWIVES join hands and refuse my hand and my heart, on dance around him .) account of my wedding plans and not telling you and the Moose Tamer. MRS. HONEYCUTT : You gave us such a Blame not the moose! I shall never for - fright, Your Highness! give myself for hurting my Beautiful Kumquat. I deserve no pardon, but QUEEN : Poor Agatha nearly had to please do forgive on account of it’s cold marry Archibald Rattigan. in here and I will not make such a mis - take again as long as we live, hopefully ROGER (Outraged ): My precious Banana together. I attach this note to a platter Nut marry that nefarious scoundrel, some village matron is carrying out of that goateed imposter, that odious, the kitchens, her face dark and troubled badly dressed, granny-biting pretender! as my soul. Do what you will, I shall remain—Your Prince, Roger KING : That’s the one. P.S. Someone invited Cousin Ratty to our most blessed day, and it wasn’t me. ROGER : Never! Clever women should - He tied me to my own suit of armor but n’t marry scoundrels. Clever women as soon as he left the armory I got into should marry me! ( Softly ) That is, if it my armor and marched out. Do not let pleases them. him near the chocolate fountain, he’s greedy. ( AGATHA finishes and all three AGATHA (With a radiant smile ): It look up in astonishment .) pleases me.

KING : Quick, the ice box! ROGER : Then let us waste no more time. As fun as it is to be tied up for hours, we AGATHA : Let me! Oh, my dearest dar - mustn’t delay the most glorious wed - ling, how his teeth must be chattering. ding in the annals of Mossgrove. (Rushes out left ) GRANNY WILLIE (Waking with a start ): JUDGE : As always at Prince Roger’s What circus animals? What’d I miss? parties, I am confused. Are we actually having a wedding, or was I invited to GRANNY BETTY : Nothing, Willie, just a observe the foiling of a plot? happily ever after. ( In a loud whisper ) Let’s go find the fudge fountain. GRANNY BETTY : Both. This is a Mossgrove wedding, after all. ROGER (In an equally loud whisper ): Save some for me! ( To AGATHA ) MRS. HONEYCUTT : I’m worried about Nothing works up an appetite like that chocolate fountain. It’s a fudge marrying the perfect woman. fountain by now. ( PRINCE ROGER enters, with AGATHA in tow .) AGATHA : Well said, my Prince. (GRANNY WILLIE and GRANNY PRINCE ROGER : All the better, my good BETTY sneak off, as ROGER and woman. Makes the most delightful AGATHA kneel before JUDGE and all squishy noises! others gather around them as curtain closes .) ALL : Roger! ( QUEEN embraces him, THE END KING heartily shakes one hand while (Production Notes on next page )

MARCH 2015 41 PRODUCTION NOTES Prince Roger and the Dastardly Marriage Plot (Play on pages 33-41 ) CHARACTERS : 3 male, 5 female, 2 male 4. or female for Judge and Moose Tamer; SETTING : Mossgrove castle. Scene 1: as many male and female as needed for Agatha’s richly decorated bedroom, Housewives of Mossgrove, Bakers, with bed at center. Scene 2: Great Dressmakers, Florists and Lords and Hall, with three thrones at center. Ladies of Royal Court. Lords and Scene 3: Mrs. Honeycutt’s cottage par - Ladies of Court may be omitted to sim - lor, with two chairs and a table at cen - plify production. ter. Large vase with berry branches in PLAYING TIME : 25 minutes. on table, with other receptacles hold - COSTUMES : Fairytale dress. Queen ing berries around room. Scene 4: wears regal, flowing dress, as does Same as Scene 2, but with thrones Agatha in Scenes 2 and 3. King, Lord removed and hall decorated for a wed - Rattigan, and Prince Roger wear ding. Many vases with flowers around ornate tunics. Rattigan wears sword at the hall. his hip throughout. Mrs. Honeycutt PROPERTIES : Large pillows, yards of wears homey peasant dress, as do dress fabric, large cake, huge pink Housewives. Bakers and Florists wear bow, rolling pins, rusty tiara, branches white tunics, and Bakers have chef studded with berries, vases, flowers, hats. Judge wears long black robe. cart with wheels, Roger’s note, and Lords and Ladies wear appropriate scroll with address of Baroness Mimi fairytale dress. Moose Tamer wears written across front. Moose Tamer car - hunting-style uniform. Agatha wears ries bullwhip; a riding crop or another eye-mask, nightcap and nightgown in suitable prop can be substituted. Large Scene 1, and wedding dress and pink chest big enough for Ratttigan to fit bow in Scene 4. King and Queen wear inside. crowns, Granny Willie wears very LIGHTING and SOUND : No special light - beat-up tiara. If production permits, ing or sound effects. Roger can wear suit of armor in Scene

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42 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Middle Grades Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com). Stone Soup

Stranger’s recipe brings townspeople together, in this fun Western retelling of an old tale. . . . by Amy Green Characters BANJO : Well, howdy there, stranger! TUMBLEWEED PETE, clever drifter (PETE jumps, startled. ) Welcome to BANJO, cheerful cowboy Cactus Junction. SUSANNA, his painfully shy love PETE : Why thank you. I’m Pete, but most call me Tumbleweed Pete. interest BANJO LORAINE, sour townsperson : Name’s Banjo. ( Shakes his hand ) So, where’re you from? SHERIFF, uptight lawkeeper PETE : Oh, round about Kansas. I’m HENRIETTA, crabby old lady headed out to visit my uncle. He start - ed a logging business out in California. HENRY, her husband, mostly deaf I think he hopes he’ll convince me to OLIVIA JANE, reformed card shark take over once he dies. BANJO : Well, glad you stopped by. If you’re looking for a good meal, the Greasy Spoon Café down the road a SCENE 1 piece serves up a fine vegetable sur - SETTING : Main Street, the Wild West. prise. There is a water pump left. PETE : No thanks. I’ve got this. ( Taps AT RISE : PETE is emptying rocks out of pot ) his boot. A large black pot and a bat - tered suitcase are next to him. BANJO (Whistling ): That sure is one big pot. What’re you planning to do PETE : It’s been a long day. It’d take with it, drown a cow? months to scrub all the layers of dust off of me. Too bad I have to spend the PETE : No, no. This is my stone soup night in this rundown town. They prob - pot. ably count the chickens in the popula - tion number I saw on the sign. BANJO : Stone soup? What’s that? (BANJO enters, holding what else but a banjo .) PETE : Secret family recipe. All you

MARCH 2015 43 need is a good stone and a pot of boil - SUSANNA : I have to go. ( She exits, and ing water. BANJO stares after her, sighing. )

BANJO : Gee, I never heard of anything PETE : You know, where I come from, like that. they say that a woman loves a man who can cook. PETE : Yes, sir, this pot is my one trav - eling companion. ( Pats it lovingly ) It’s BANJO : Huh? Really? cooked up many a community meal. Nothing brings people together like PETE : A good strong man who can go food. hunting one minute and then cook up what he caught the next—yes sir, BANJO : You may be right, Mr. Tumble- that’s the way to a woman’s heart. weed, sir, but you shouldn’t try that around here. BANJO : That stone soup you were talk - ing about making. . .do you think it PETE : Why not? would taste different if it had a little bit of roast rabbit in it? BANJO : People here hate each other. Some kinda curse on the town that a PETE : Oh, I don’t know. But I’d consid - crazy old woman put on us when a er putting it in just as a favor to you. mine collapsed and killed her husband I’d make sure Miss Susanna gets the some years back. No one can hardly first taste, of course. even talk to each other. BANJO : Wahoo! You got yourself a deal, PETE : Well, you seem nice enough. mister! ( Runs off, as LORAINE enters )

BANJO : Oh, sure. I’m the friendliest LORAINE : What was he so excited cowhand you’ll ever meet. It’s just that about? no one actually likes me. They think I talk too much. PETE : Oh, he’s just going to catch a rab - bit for dinner. What’s your name, PETE : Hm-m. Interesting. ( SUSANNA friend? enters left, holding a few packages wrapped in brown paper and constant - LORAINE : My name is Loraine, and I’m ly looking at the ground .) not your friend.

BANJO (Tipping hat ): Good evening, PETE : Well, Loraine, any chance you’d Miss Susanna. Would you be needing help a stranger fill up this old kettle help with those parcels? ( SUSANNA with water? mutters something .) What’s that? LORAINE : Any chance you’d let me go in SUSANNA : I said, no, thank you. peace if I don’t?

BANJO : But they must be awfully PETE : Not much. heavy. What’s in them, anyway? LORAINE : Fine. But don’t drop that SUSANNA : Spices. monstrosity on my foot. ( Starts lugging it over to the pump ) So what’s this for, BANJO : Oh, spices. Isn’t that nice? Like anyway? salt and pepper and all that? PETE : Oh, just making some stone soup

44 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com to share with the town. PETE : I see. Well, you can feel free to come to dinner tonight, with or without LORAINE : Stone soup? Sounds terrible. bread, y’hear?

PETE : No, it’s the best thing you’d ever LORAINE : Fine. Well, there’s your taste. I should know. I used to be a chef water. Probably won’t boil for a couple in a fancy restaurant back East. hours. By then, the soup won’t be worth eating. LORAINE : What’re you doing out here, then? PETE : You’re the cheerful sort, aren’t you? PETE : Oh, just looking for something new. Thinking of starting a ranch out LORAINE : I just say things like they here, maybe. There were too many peo - are. ( SHERIFF enters. ) ple in New England. All of them greet - ing you on the street, reviewing your SHERIFF : Hold on, hold on. What’s restaurant in their fancy newspapers, going on here? wanting you to come to the opera and all that. LORAINE : We’re just getting some water, Sheriff. Water’s still free, last I LORAINE : Sounds awful. You know this checked. No point in stealing it. town is cursed, right? What’re you going to do, bottle it up and try to sell it to people? PETE : So I hear. Well, I said I needed a change. ( Starts to fill pot from pump ) SHERIFF : As if that’ll ever happen.

LORAINE : So, you’re just. . .making free PETE : My name’s Tumbleweed Pete. food for the town. No charge? Pleasure to meet you.

PETE : Sure. Figure, if I’m going to set - SHERIFF (Not as pleased ): You have a tle out here, can’t hurt to build some nose like a bank robber I arrested once. goodwill. LORAINE : You mean the kid who took a LORAINE : Well, your stone soup can’t few quarters from the clerk’s desk possibly be as good as my mother’s when he wasn’t looking? cornbread. SHERIFF : Quiet, you. PETE : Cornbread, huh? All golden and crusty on top, I bet. LORAINE : Look, Sheriff, a desperado!

LORAINE : That’s right. Perfect with a SHERIFF (Drawing a gun, turning ): little melted butter. Where?

PETE : Well, it just so happens that LORAINE (Laughing ): See what I cornbread goes pretty good with stone mean? He thinks he’s big time, but all soup. Distracts a little bit from the he’s got to brag about is the number of soup’s natural flavor, but it fills people crossword puzzles he gets done in a up more. day.

LORAINE : Aw, I’ve never made more SHERIFF : Get out of here. No loitering than one tiny loaf at a time. No one ever on my streets! ( To PETE ) And what’s visits me. I wouldn’t want them to. that pot for, anyway?

MARCH 2015 45 LORAINE (Exiting ): It’s for a human HENRIETTA : And just who are you, any - sacrifice. He’s going to boil someone way? alive. PETE : Tumbleweed Pete. Just a travel - SHERIFF : Don’t know where you came er heading north to visit my sister’s from, Tumbleweed, but around here, family. that’s illegal. HENRIETTA : Well, if you’re traveling, PETE : I think it was supposed to be a you should come on down to the joke. Greasy Spoon. I’m Henrietta, and my husband and I own the place. SHERIFF : Well, what are you doing with the pot, then? PETE : I’m afraid I’m a little low on money, ma’am. Spent it all on a train PETE : I was planning on making some ticket to get out here from my farm in dinner and sharing it with the rest of Indiana. My sister’s husband died last the town. month, see, and she needs a man around to chop wood and fight off bears SHERIFF : Why? this winter. Seven kids. That’s why I brought this big old pot. Figured they’d PETE : Well, I used to lead a company of eat a lot of my famous stone soup. cattle drivers. Every night, we’d all share a pot of stew, talking and telling HENRIETTA : Stone soup? What in the wild tall tales. Guess I just filled the name of the Ozarks is that? whole pot out of habit. PETE : It’s my favorite recipe. I’ve got SHERIFF : Hm-m. Well, carry on, I sup - the water all ready, but I’ll be needing pose. But I’ll be watching you, a fire. ( HENRY runs in. He yells Tumbleweed. ( He exits .) almost everything he says .)

PETE : Didn’t even get a chance to get HENRY : Fire! Did someone say fire? any food out of him. Might be a thin soup night for me. ( HENRIETTA HENRIETTA : Oh, now you’ve done it. enters, carrying an armful of vegeta - (Loudly ) Henry, there’s no fire. This bles. ) Or maybe not. man’s just trying to make soup.

HENRIETTA : I swear, if I hadn’t just HENRY : A fire in the chicken coop! come from my garden, I’d say that How’re we going to make soup if all the Banjo just tried to steal some of my chickens get fried? ( He stops, laughs .) prize-winning carrots. He was running Huh. Might not be that bad after all. out of town faster than a rabbit. Blackened chicken.

PETE : Actually, I think he was going to PETE : You know, good people, I could go catch a rabbit. help make soup for your fine dining establishment. HENRIETTA : That boy? Why, he never did a day of work in his life. He’s the HENRIETTA : Well, if you can get Henry laziest guitar-strumming bum this to agree to it, why I’ll chop up all these side of the Rockies. vegetables and add them to your soup. It’s that curse, I tell you—all he does is PETE : People change, you know. Don’t give orders, and he never appreciates judge too quickly. anything I do. Nag, nag, nag.

46 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com HENRY : Did I hear you say something PETE : I’ll take you up on that dare. about dragging? Because the laundry line is dragging in the dirt. My shirts HENRY : Yes, I suppose a hare would go are probably ruined by now. well. But that fool boy Banjo won’t get any rabbits, not a chance. He’s too loud HENRIETTA : See? He’s hopeless. Abso- for ’em. Probably out there strumming lutely hopeless. And crazy as a loon, his guitar. too. No sense in trying to talk to him. (Flounces off ) PETE (Helping him pick up the pot ): Isn’t it a banjo, like his name? HENRY : Who’re you calling a buffoon? HENRY : No, I’m not in any pain. I may PETE (Loudly ): Good evening, sir. be old, but I can still lift a cooking pot. Might I offer to cook for your café It’s good to feel useful for a change. My tonight? I got lots of experience in the wife Henrietta never lets me do a kitchen when I was a scout in the blasted thing. Ever since that curse, army. she thinks I’m crazy, if you can believe it. ( OLIVIA JANE enters. ) HENRY : What was that? Didn’t hear a word you said. OLIVIA JANE : No, Henry, none of us could ever believe that. PETE (Even louder ): I said, I was a scout. In the war. HENRY : You! Now, you just make sure and stay away from our café, young HENRY : Oh, I see. Catching trout, lady. We don’t want your type around. shooting boar. A real man’s man. Good (He exits .) for you, sonny. What’s a hunter like you doing with that pot? PETE : I apologize on his behalf. I’m Tumbleweed Pete. PETE : Making soup. OLIVIA JANE : Olivia Jane. Local card HENRY : Never heard of any cure for the player who happened to make most of croup that involved a cooking, but her money by, well, cheating. But I’m whatever you say. reformed, honest!

PETE : No, SOUP! PETE : Could you be reformed dishon - est? HENRY : Ah, soup. That’s my favorite dish, you know. The Greasy Spoon’s OLIVIA JANE : Huh? specialty. Our secret—shh, I’ve got to whisper it. ( PETE leans in, HENRY PETE : Never mind. Nice to meet you. keeps yelling. ) Our secret ingredient is Yeah, I know a thing or two about goat cheese. being given the cold shoulder. I came here, actually, to get away from that. PETE : I see. Well, my stone soup is good See, in my other town, I was hated by on its own. The best in the West, they everyone. Well, all the men, at least. say. OLIVIA JANE : Really? Why? HENRY : Well, I have a notion to prove you wrong, sonny. You let me take that PETE : I just couldn’t help it. See, if any - kettle back to the Greasy Spoon, and one ever insulted a lady—made a snide I’ll show you how soup is made. remark about her, spit tobacco in her

MARCH 2015 47 direction, winked at her in church—I’d OLIVIA JANE : This is Cactus Junction. challenge them to a duel. And I won No one listens to reason. I’m sure you every one. know about the curse.

OLIVIA JANE (Smitten ): Really? PETE : Yes, I’ve been told.

PETE : That’s right. Soon, I had a bit of OLIVIA JANE : If I were you, I’d get out a reputation for myself. But, all that’s of this town just as soon as I could. behind me now. Before you’re trapped here. . .like me.

OLIVIA JANE : So, are you staying in PETE : What’s keeping you here? Cactus Junction a while, Pete? OLIVIA JANE : I wouldn’t know where PETE : Wasn’t planning on it. else to go. Besides, I’ve got a job clean - ing the mayor’s house. It’s not much, OLIVIA JANE : Oh. ( PETE begins search - but it pays. And my parents live here, ing the ground .) What’re you looking and, you know, family comes first. for? PETE : But if you don’t like a place, you PETE : A stone. For my stone soup. It’s have to move on. That’s what freedom the secret ingredient, you know. is all about.

OLIVIA JANE : What are the other ingre - OLIVIA JANE : No. Sometimes freedom dients? is loving someone enough to stay. (SHERIFF enters. ) PETE : Oh, it varies. But the stone is what really gives it flavor. SHERIFF : Oh, talking to the local cheat, I see, huh, Tumbleweed? OLIVIA JANE : Here, I’ll help you. (Begins to look too ) PETE : Her name’s Olivia Jane, Sheriff. And she’s changed. PETE : It has to be a decent size, smooth, not too dirty. SHERIFF : That’s where you’re wrong. People don’t change. Not around here, OLIVIA JANE : Here! I’ve got one. ( Holds anyway. ( SHERIFF exits, as BANJO it up ) That’s funny. It’s shaped kinda walks in, whistling, holding a pan with like a heart. meat in it .)

PETE : Looks more pear-shaped to me. BANJO : Well, look at me! Caught two It’ll do. Thanks, Olivia Jane. rabbits right off, and cleaned and fried ’em up myself. Which way to the soup OLIVIA JANE : My pleasure. ( Sighs, then pot, Tumbleweed? turns to leave ) Well, goodnight, Pete. PETE : Right now, it’s at the inn, but— PETE : Wait, aren’t you coming to din - (HENRY stumbles out with the pot in ner? one hand and a basket held between his teeth. He tries to say something, but OLIVIA JANE : Oh, I couldn’t do that. mumbles .) Henry and Henrietta would never let me. BANJO : What’s that?

PETE : I’m sure they’ll listen to reason. HENRY (Setting down the pot and bas -

48 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com ket ): I said, got your pot all nice and HENRIETTA : Did you think I was doing boiled, and here’s the cheese. What, that on purpose? are you all deaf? HENRY : Say what? PETE : Well, stone soup needs a stone. (Bows ) If I may? ( OLIVIA JANE gig - HENRIETTA : Oh, never mind. Well, why gles and hands him the stone, which he are you all standing there? Get that drops into the pot. ) Now we just let it music back. I want to dance too. ( She set. and HENRY dance. LORAINE enters, holding a pan of cornbread .) HENRY : And add cheese! ( Puts it in ) You’ll see, sonny. You’ll have one taste PETE : Loraine! Good to have you join us. and be forced to admit that I’m right. LORAINE : Well, if you all would just BANJO : Here’s the rabbit meat. ( Puts it keep quiet, I could enjoy my dinner in in, looks anxiously around ) Gee, peace, you know. Tumbleweed, do you think Susanna’s coming? OLIVIA JANE : Ooh, cornbread! Why, that’s my favorite. ( She reaches in and PETE : Once she smells this soup, she breaks off a bit .) won’t be able to stay away. Now, how about a little music? LORAINE (Grumbling ): Sure, just go on and take a piece without asking. BANJO (Holding up banjo ): Oh, I don’t play this anymore. OLIVIA JANE : Delicious. And it’s still warm. PETE : Why not? LORAINE : Well. . .thanks, I guess. BANJO : Well, people don’t like it. And I (SUSANNA edges in, holding a few always try to keep everyone happy. small containers. She looks nervously around, until BANJO notices her and PETE : Nonsense. Every good stew hands his banjo to LORAINE .) needs some good music. Just like back at home when I. . .er—( Glances BANJO : Here, Loraine, you take over. around, trying to keep his stories Didn’t you used to play harmonica straight ) Never mind. Play us a song! back when we went to school together? (BANJO starts to play a jaunty tune .) LORAINE : I didn’t think you’d remem - HENRY : Well, if this doesn’t remind me ber. of my younger days. I was nimble then. Light on my feet—like this! ( Begins to BANJO : Sure I do. You were mighty dance. HENRIETTA enters after a good, too. So you’ve got music in your beat. ) blood.

HENRIETTA : Well, I never! Dancing LORAINE : I guess I could give it a try. away, leaving me to do all the work of It’ll probably sound terrible. ( Resumes chopping vegetables. What do you have playing. BANJO walks over to to say for yourself, Henry? SUSANNA .)

HENRY : This is the first time in years BANJO : Hello, Susanna. you’ve talked to me without mumbling. I knew you’d talk to me eventually. SUSANNA : Hello.

MARCH 2015 49 BANJO : What’cha got there? (LORAINE finishes the song. )

SUSANNA : Spices. For. . .for the soup. BANJO : Nice work, Loraine. You’ve got a real musical gift. ( Stuffs a piece of BANJO : Well, that’s right kind of you. cornbread in his mouth, speaks I’ll bring them over to Mr. Pete. ( Calls ) through the crumbs ) And a gift for Say, Mr. Pete! We’ve got some fancy cooking, too. spices here. Or will those drown out the flavor of that rock of yours? PETE : Can I try? ( Eats a piece ) This is the best cornbread I’ve ever tasted. PETE : Banjo, I can promise you, it’ll only make the taste better. ( Takes LORAINE : Well, that’s nothing com - spices ) pared to the fine dancing of our lovely couples. Henry and Henrietta, how BANJO : Well, now that your hands are long have you been married? free. . .want to dance? HENRIETTA : 49 years. SUSANNA : Oh, no. I couldn’t. I mean, I can’t. I don’t know how. HENRY : The 49ers? What’s the gold rush got to do with anything? BANJO : Aw, no one cares. We’re all friends here. SUSANNA : That was actually. . .fun. I can’t remember the last time I had fun. SUSANNA : No we’re not. The curse, remember? BANJO : It’ll be the first time of many, I hope. ( To PETE ) How’s that stone soup BANJO : You know, I’ve just about had coming? enough of letting that so-called curse ruin my life. I say, we learn to get PETE : Almost done! along with each other, curse or no. And. . .that means I oughta tell you HENRIETTA (Shouting in excitement ): that you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever I’ll get the bowls! seen, and the sweetest too. So, Susanna, won’t you dance with me? HENRY : No, no, that’s no job for a woman. Those things are heavy. Let SUSANNA (Taking a deep breath, nod - me do it. ding ): All right. I’ll try. HENRIETTA : Why, Henry! Thank you. BANJO : Wahoo! ( Spins SUSANNA (HENRY exits, as SHERIFF runs in .) around ) Come on, before the soup’s done and we have to stop. ( They begin SHERIFF : There he is! Don’t you move, dancing .) you lying scoundrel!

OLIVIA JANE : Well, it looks like every - HENRIETTA : Sheriff? What’s going on? one else has a partner. LORAINE : Is he some kind of criminal PETE (Stirring the soup ): So they do. or something?

OLIVIA JANE : So. . .I guess I’ll just add SHERIFF : No, worse. I checked his the vegetables, then. records, found his name on file. No, he’s not a criminal. He’s. . .a telegraph PETE : Thanks. I appreciate it. operator.

50 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com BANJO (After pause ): And that’s. . .bad? OLIVIA JANE : Sounds lonely.

SHERIFF : Don’t you understand? He SHERIFF : Sounds criminal. You hear told me he was the boss of a group of that, folks? He was lying to you this cattle drivers. whole time. ( HENRY enters .)

HENRIETTA : But I thought he was a HENRY : Well, what’re we waiting for? farmer visiting his widowed sister. The soup’s going to get cold.

BANJO : You’re wrong. It’s his uncle SHERIFF : But— he’s visiting, to take over his logging business. HENRY : Oh, quit your complaining, Sheriff. The jaywalkers can wait till LORAINE : He told me he was a cook after dinner. ( Fills a bowl and shoves it back East. Olivia Jane, what he’d say at him ) Now, try the soup. to you? SHERIFF (Taking a sip ): This is— OLIVIA JANE (With an accusatory incredible. Mind you, you still have glare ): That he was a hero and a man some explaining to do. . .after we eat. of honor. I don’t know how I believed (HENRY dishes out soup for everyone. that one for one second. All make similar comments .)

PETE : Now, listen, I can explain. . . . OLIVIA JANE : Don’t you want some, Pete? SHERIFF : Explain why you lied to every person in this town? And swindled PETE : Suddenly, I’m not very hungry. them out of their food, from what it looks like. SHERIFF : And it’s only right. You should be ashamed of yourself. What have you BANJO : Oh, no, Sheriff, this is stone done for this town, except hoodwinked soup. Pete made it for all of us. us into making our own soup?

SHERIFF : And what did he bring to this SUSANNA : He did more than that, little gathering? Sheriff. He brought us all together. Gave us a chance. Talked to us like BANJO : Um. . .the pot. . .water. . .a real people. He’s the best thing to hap - stone. . .hm-m. pen to Cactus Junction in years. Maybe ever. ( She goes back to looking SHERIFF : My point exactly. He’s a at the ground. ) swindler and a fraud. Tumbleweed, what’ve you got to say for yourself? BANJO : That’s my girl, Susanna!

PETE : All right, I admit it. I lied. I’m SHERIFF : Susanna can talk? just a drifter, that’s all. Both my par - ents died when I was young. Worked HENRIETTA : She’s right, you know. as a trapper in the mountains as a Why, until he showed up, Henry and I teenager. I lived alone, worked the could do nothing but fight, and we did - telegraph for a while. Now I just move n’t even know why. from town to town, getting odd jobs where I can. That’s why they call me LORAINE : And he said he was glad I Tumbleweed Pete. I go wherever the joined the party. Before he even ate wind takes me. any of my cornbread.

MARCH 2015 51 BANJO : And he helped me get enough on the back ) Do us all a favor—do courage to talk to Susanna. something mildly criminal every now and then just to keep him on his toes. HENRY : And treated me like I wasn’t (LORAINE exits. ) crazy. HENRY : Well, Henrietta and I have OLIVIA JANE : And believed that people dishes to do. Thanks for dinner—and can change. give us the recipe, would you? ( HENRY and HENRIETTA exit, carrying the SHERIFF : Well, I. . .but what about the empty bowls .) curse? You’re making this sound like we can just choose to be friends with BANJO : What do you say, Susanna? each other. Want to get some dessert at the Greasy Spoon? BANJO : That’s right. We can. And don’t you go and take that away from us, SUSANNA : I’d love to. ( They exit .) Sheriff. OLIVIA JANE : Well, it’s just us, then. OLIVIA JANE : Except Pete’s moving on. Wouldn’t want to stay in some podunk, PETE : Uh. . .thanks for defending me. I cursed little outpost in the middle of didn’t really deserve it. nowhere. OLIVIA JANE : Nope. You sure didn’t. PETE : I was. (Looks at the pot ) Stone soup, huh? I take it that was a lie too. LORAINE : Meaning. . .you changed your mind? PETE : Not much of one. People always make the best out of what they have. PETE (Looking at SHERIFF ): Provided That’s how you make stone soup. And I don’t get arrested. there is a secret ingredient.

SHERIFF : Well, I guess I’ll hold off for OLIVIA JANE : What’s that? now. But I’ll be keeping an eye on you. (He exits. ) PETE (Pulling out the stone ): Love. It’s what brings people together. And LORAINE : Maybe that’ll be enough to sometimes, it’s what makes them stay. keep him from pacing up and down (Curtain ) Main Street all the time. ( Slaps PETE THE END

PRODUCTION NOTES Stone Soup

CHARACTERS : 4 male, 4 female. carrots), heart-shaped stone, pan with PLAYING TIME : 30 minutes. meat in it, pan of cornbread, bottles of COSTUMES : Traditional Western dress. spices, bowls, ladle. The Sheriff has a holster with a gun. SETTING : Main Street, the Wild West. PROPERTIES : Large pot, old suitcase, There is a water pump at left. banjo, small packages wrapped in LIGHTING : No special effects. brown paper, vegetables (including SOUND : Banjo music.

52 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Middle Grades Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).

Zadig the Observant

Keen observations and insightful reasoning help a young peasant win a place in the royal court. Adapted from a story by Voltaire by Margaret Hall

2ND SERVANT Characters : We’ll have to find it, or Her Majesty will have us by the hair. ZADIG, a young man 1ST SERVANT : She will be sure to pun - KING MOABDAR ish us. QUEEN ZADIG (Approaching SERVANTS ): TWO SERVANTS Excuse me. You are obviously search - CHIEF HUNTER ing for some object of great value. Can I be of any assistance? ASSISTANT HUNTER PAGES 2ND SERVANT : We are servants of the king and queen. The queen’s dog is MESSENGER missing, and we are looking for it. Have you seen it?

SCENE 1 ZADIG : The queen has lost her dog, you TIME : Centuries ago. say? Well, is the dog a small spaniel?

SETTING : Babylon; a forest clearing. 2ND SERVANT (Eagerly ): Yes!

AT RISE : ZADIG enters, crosses stage. ZADIG : And does this dog limp a little TWO SERVANTS enter right and walk with the left forefoot, and does it have rapidly up and down as if looking for very long ears? something. 1ST SERVANT : Why, yes, that is an 1ST SERVANT : Do you think it went exact description of the dog. ( Eagerly ) that way? Then you have seen him. Tell us where you found him. 2ND SERVANT : Let’s try looking over here. ( ZADIG looks on with interest .) ZADIG : No, sir, I have not seen him at all. I did not even know that our good 1ST SERVANT : Why don’t we search in queen had a dog. I’m sorry it is lost. the woods again?

MARCH 2015 53 1ST SERVANT : Didn’t see him? Then ZADIG (Shrugging ): I confess I have no how do you know what he looks like? idea where he went. I have not seen (Clumping sound is heard offstage, him. And to tell the perfect truth, I and CHIEF HUNTER enters right, fol - never heard of the king’s horse before. lowed by ASSISTANT HUNTER .) I am sure the king must own many horses, but I had not heard that one of CHIEF : Why are you all out here in the them was missing. forest? You should be out on the plains of Babylon, looking for the king’s ASSISTANT (Puzzled ): Then how did horse. you know how to describe him?

2ND SERVANT : The king’s horse? Has CHIEF : I understand what happened. that also run away from the palace This young man has stolen the horse yards? and wants to keep it for himself.

CHIEF : Yes, it has, and it is most seri - 1ST SERVANT : I can believe that. He ous. The finest horse in the royal stable must have taken the queen’s dog also, escaped from his keeper and galloped for he told every detail about him. away across the plains. 2ND SERVANT : Of course that is what ASSISTANT : All the officers have run off happened. He saw both runaways and in search of him, but he cannot be knew what fine specimens they were. located. We must find him or lose our Naturally he stole both of the animals positions. The king will be so angry if for his own use. we are unsuccessful. ASSISTANT : Or else he may want to CHIEF (To ZADIG ): You are not from hold them for ransom, hoping the king the palace, but you must live nearby. or queen will offer rich rewards to Did you see the king’s horse pass this return them. way? ZADIG (Indignantly ): That is not true! I ZADIG : Is this horse the swiftest one in did not steal anything, and I never saw the royal stable? either one of the beasts.

CHIEF : Yes, it is the very fastest one we CHIEF : You are the guilty one! We are have. You must have seen him running putting you under arrest and you will past. have to go to prison.

ZADIG : Is he about five feet high, and ZADIG : But I am innocent! ( With mut - are his hoofs very small? terings and accusation, CHIEF, ASSISTANT, and SERVANTS lay ASSISTANT : Yes! Exactly right. hands on ZADIG. CHIEF takes off belt and starts to tie ZADIG’s hands togeth - CHIEF : That is Akbar. Is he far away? er. Trumpet blare is heard, surprising all on stage. ) ZADIG : Let me make sure about anoth - er point. Are his shoes made of silver, ASSISTANT : Hark! That trumpet call and are the rings of the bit made from announces the coming of the king! pure gold? CHIEF (Rushing right and peering off ): CHIEF : That is all true. Which way did It is the king and queen! They have left he go? their horses and are heading this way!

54 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com 2ND SERVANT (To ZADIG ): Well, must have long ears which touched the young man, now you can explain to the sand. king and queen how you happen to know so much about the horse and dog. QUEEN : That is true. My little Yussuf (KING MOABDAR and QUEEN enter does have long ears. What else did you right, followed by PAGES. Others kneel notice, Zadig? before them .) ZADIG : Well, the prints made by one of KING : We heard a good many quarrel - his paws were lighter than the other ing voices over here as we were riding three tracks. This told me at once that by. We should like to know what all the our noble queen’s spaniel was a bit disturbance is about. lame in one of his front paws.

QUEEN : We heard people calling out, QUEEN (Surprised ): You noticed all “You are guilty!” and “I am innocent!” that? Yes, poor Yussuf does have a sore Let us find out where true justice lies. paw at present, but it will soon be well.

CHIEF : Your Majesties, this man claims KING : You are clever, Zadig. But I still that he did not see your missing dog want to know how you could identify and runaway horse. But he can tell us Akbar. everything about them. And if he has not stolen them, why can’t we find ZADIG : With regard to the horse, Your them? We have been searching for Majesty, you will be glad to know that hours. I saw the marks of a horse’s shoes while walking in the lanes of this QUEEN : He looks like an honest young wood. The marks were all the same man. Perhaps he really is innocent. distance apart. So it was obviously a horse that trots fast and evenly. KING : I am interested to learn how he managed to identify the animals. Will KING : That is true. Akbar is our you explain what happened, young fel - swiftest horse. But what else did you low? I don’t know your name, but I notice? This is becoming fascinating. shall permit you to speak. ( ZADIG bows before KING and QUEEN .) ZADIG : As to the bit he wore, he had rubbed its edges against a stone while ZADIG : I am called Zadig, and the truth eating grass beside the path. I saw of the matter is as follows. I have never that it was a mark of pure gold metal. seen the queen’s fine spaniel, nor the And I knew his shoes must have been king’s sacred swift horse. But before I made of silver, for a bit of the bright met the queen’s servants, I was walk - silver was rubbed off where they ing in a sandy place. On the sand I touched the rough stones on the path. noticed the tracks of an animal and saw at once that they were made by a QUEEN : I am astonished! Your descrip - little dog. tions are quite perfect, though you never actually saw Akbar. You show a KING : You are well acquainted with sharp wit as well as great learning. animal tracks and prints, I assume. ZADIG (Humbly ): When a man is poor, ZADIG : Yes, sire, I have studied them. my lady, he must develop what wits he On either side of the track were light has, to keep himself alive. And any lines, where the sand had been softly learning I have comes from my own brushed. This showed that the dog observation of the small things I see.

MARCH 2015 55 Much can be learned merely by study - ing plants and grains of sand and other simple things all around us.

KING : The wisest men of all the ages have discovered this truth, Zadig. But I do not wish you to continue as a poor boy. I want you to come to my court for a few days, and you shall be presented with rich gifts before you leave. ( MES - SENGER runs in right. )

MESSENGER (Panting ): Oh, Your Majesties, I am sent to tell you that the dog and the horse have just returned to the palace. They were found by the keeper of the kennels.

QUEEN : Oh, joy! Moabdar, my dear, they have been found!

KING (Happily): Let us return at once. And you servants of mine, try to devel - op your powers of observation as well as Zadig has, and make no more accu - sations against honest men. ( Quick curtain ) THE END

PRODUCTION NOTES Zadig the Observant CHARACTERS : 2 male; 1 female; 6 male or female. PLAYING TIME : 10 minutes. COSTUMES : King and Queen, royal attire. Servants and Hunters, roomy short-sleeved shirts, baggy trousers, sandals. They wear turbans or fezzes. Pages and Messenger, traditional medieval garb and small hats with long feathers. Zadig, simple tunic, trousers with wide belt, and sandals. PROPERTIES : Scepter for King. SETTING : Small forest glade with back - ground of trees, if desired. LIGHTING : No special effects. SOUND : Clumping noises; trumpet call.

56 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com Plays is protected by U.S. copyright Radio Play (Middle Grades) law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).

The Singing Bone

Brothers battle a wild boar to win the hand of a princess. . . .

by Bruce Berger

Characters LANCE : The beastly brute has struck again. NARRATOR ARTEMIS KING : Oh no! Where this time?

KING NEWTON LANCE : It hit the southern slopes of fig trees and leveled all livestock in its ANDY path of destruction. LANCE, the Captain of the Guard KING : Blast that beast! We need that HOMER HORNSMAN crop of figs for our cookie production. Lance, can no one stop it? PRINCESS PRISSY MARIE LANCE : Your Highness, we pursued it to the edge of the Woesome Woods, but NARRATOR : Once upon a time, a peace - none of my guard would venture into ful land was thrown into the deepest that fearful forest. depths of despair by a wicked woolly wild boar. With reckless disregard, the KING : Hasn’t anyone come forth from enormous beast attacked workers in the masses to accept my promised the field, crushed cattle, and shredded prize of fame and fortune for the wild sheep with its terrible tusks. The des - boar bounty? perate King of the country pledged rich rewards to any stalwart soul who LANCE : Not a soul, sire. That brazen would rid his kingdom of the calamity. boar fans the flame of fear in their hearts, leaving them trembling in ter - LANCE : King Newton. ror.

KING NEWTON : Yes, my Captain of the KING : Then I must up the ante! We guard? need to offer something on a grander scale. Where is my darling daughter?

MARCH 2015 57 LANCE : I shall summon her, Your promise of pretty Prissy Marie as a Majesty. ( Calling off ) Bring Princess bride and heir to the throne for defeat - Prissy Marie to the King’s Chambers. ing the wicked wild boar. Hordes of hopeful hunters filed past, seeking the PRISSY MARIE : Here I am, Father. approval of King Newton and his daughter. In the final analysis, two KING : Ah, my pretty Prissy! My dear, brave brothers rose from the ranks, something awful has happened. A receiving the nod to tackle the task. wicked wild boar has invaded our land. KING : What are your names, my lads? PRISSY : Uncle Walter has come to visit again? His tedious tales really bore me ARTEMIS : I am Artemis, an expert in to tears. all weapons of war. Never beaten in battle! Would you like to see my count - KING : No, not that kind of a bore. This less medals and badges of courage? is a ferocious beastly boar attacking our crops, livestock, and poor peasants. PRISSY : No, thanks. We’ll take your word for it. Who’s your cute companion? PRISSY : Oh, my! Is there no hope in sight? ARTEMIS : Oh, this is my brother, Andy.

KING : I have offered a hefty bounty for ANDY : Hello, fair Princess. It is an a brave soul to slay the beast, but no honor to meet you. prize seems to attract a wanted war - rior. KING : And what are your qualifications to succeed in this daring deed? PRISSY : Oh, Father, maybe if you offered a grander gift. ANDY : Well, Your Sireship, I was never no great shakes in knight school like KING : My darling, you read my mind. I my brother, but I know the forest real was contemplating an offer of heir to good. There’s no leaf I don’t got a good the kingdom ( Pause ) and the hand of handle on. the most precious prize we possess. PRISSY : Shakes? Good handle on PRISSY (Reluctantly ): The castle cook? leaves? I don’t quite understand.

KING : I was thinking of a more delicate ANDY : I mean I weren’t too smart in hand. learning lessons, but I grew up respect - ing all the trees, bushes, and plants in PRISSY (Weakly ): Mine? the woods. Lots of leaves are right tasty and have healing help if you’re KING : Yes, my child. No hand is finer. ailing.

PRISSY : I’d better wash it, then. KING : Well, I’d say you two comple - ment each other quite well. I grant you KING : Thank you, sweet Prissy. You the commission of conquering our are the heart and sovereign soul of our calamity. Good luck, my fine fellows. kingdom. Your mother would have been very proud of your devotion. ARTEMIS : Rest assured, Your Majesty, I shall bag the beast by dawn! NARRATOR : A proclamation was issued throughout the land announcing the ANDY : I’ll do my best, my kind King.

58 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com PRISSY : Take care, guys! ty Princess Prissy Marie.

NARRATOR : On the advice of the HORNSMAN : Well then, I will play my Captain of the Guard, the two brave horn at your wedding, good lad. But let boys entered the Woesome Woods from me give you some advice. Don’t confront different sides. Coming from the north, the brazen boar when you encounter it, the vain and conceited Artemis soon and brandish no sword or spear. Let the found a friendly festival and joined in crafty creature charge at you. the merriment. The cautious and con - scientious Andy carefully crept into the ANDY : That sounds a little risky. Woods from the south and came upon an odd little man doubled over in pain. HORNSMAN : Not at all. The boar feeds on fear. If you hold fast this sturdy ANDY : Hey, little guy, are you all right? staff, the arrogant assassin will impale itself upon the bold branch. HORNSMAN (Moaning in agony ): Oh, my stomach! I was practicing playing ANDY : Thank you, my good man. When my horn and took a break to eat some next we meet, I hope to hear your of these sweet strawberries. heartfelt horn at my wedding.

ANDY : I’m sorry to spoil your day, NARRATOR : With staff in hand, the friend, but those weren’t strawberries. adventurous Andy entered the fright - They’re scarlet snakeburners. ening forest. Searching the shrubs granted him no success. Wearily he sat HORNSMAN : Never heard of them. on a stump to grab some rest. Oooo! That pain is so sharp. Suddenly, a ferocious figure came crashing through the brush. ( Frightful ANDY : Here. Chew on this leaf. It will screeching sound is heard. ) soothe your stinging stomach. ANDY : Holy moly, it’s the menacing HORNSMAN (Chewing ): Mm-m! Minty. monster!

ANDY : Keep chewing and roll it around NARRATOR : Thrusting itself at the anx - your mouth awhile. What’s your name? ious Andy, the snarling savage beast sought to tear him to pieces with its HORNSMAN : I’m Homer Hornsman, terrible tusks. The lanky lad extended official soloist for the social events of the staff and held it steadfast, to the King Newton. doom of the demon. ( Howling is heard )

ANDY : Feeling better? ANDY : I did it! If only my friends could see me now! I gotta show Artemis and HORNSMAN : Why, yes! Those leaves tell him I bagged the beast. calmed my stormy stomach. Thank you, my fine fellow. What are you NARRATOR : The elated lad hoisted the doing in this neck of the woods? Don’t boar on his back and hurried to find his you know there is a terrifying tyranni - brother. The sounds of merriment cal wild boar afoot? drew Andy to an open glen, where Artemis was engaged in a hardy stage ANDY : I am aware of its presence. I’m of party. ( Sound of laughter ) fixin’ to cause its absence. I’ll slay that savage beast, bring it back to King ANDY : Artemis, what are you doing Newton, and marry the perfectly pret - here? Is this another family gathering

MARCH 2015 59 where I was left off the guest list? LANCE : Announcing the return of Artemis, Your Majesty. ARTEMIS : Oh, no no, little brother. Just stopping for directions. What’s that KING : So you’ve saved our kingdom, my you have there? courageous fellow. What a mammoth monster! How did you manage the mis - ANDY : Artemis, I have beaten the boar! sion?

ARTEMIS : No way! Hey, wait a minute. ARTEMIS : I don’t like to brag. ( PRISSY Are you sure this is the bonafide boar? snorts. ) Let’s just say this beast put up It looks more like a shrimp in short a frightful row before I wrestled him shorts. down. With terrible tearing tusks and snarling fangs— ANDY : Shrimp? Looks pretty sizable to me. PRISSY (Interrupting ): I thought you did - n’t want to brag. Is your brother safe? ARTEMIS : Hold your horses right there. These friendly folks have directed me ARTEMIS : Andy? He’s long gone. He left to the genuine article. Follow me. It’s for a leaf convention in Lansing! He trapped in a dried-up well. has little stomach for struggles.

ANDY : Way over there? That’s not even KING : We must celebrate your victory part of the Woesome Woods! with a feast—a Feast of the Beast! A boar barbeque would be best. And then ARTEMIS (From a distance ): Andy, tomorrow you shall have the hand of come over here and take a gander at my precious Princess Prissy Marie! this critter stuck in the dried-up well. I believe you’ll find the real deal. PRISSY (Sarcastically ): Yippee.

ANDY : Down there? I don’t see nothing. HORNSMAN : King Newton, may I have the boar’s tusks? I could forge them ARTEMIS : Why not take a closer look! into fine horns to play at the party.

ANDY : Ah-h-h-h-h! KING : Help yourself, Homer. Your mar - velous music shall truly top off the day. ARTEMIS : How’s the weather down there, Andrew! ( Laughs nastily ) NARRATOR : The castle cook outdid her - self in preparing a savory supper as ANDY : Hey, there ain’t no boar in here! Homer the Hornsman molded incredi - Get me outa here! ble instruments from the two tusks. The polished pieces brought praise ARTEMIS : I think you’ll be a fine fit from all at the boar banquet. there while I take the wild boar back and collect the grand prize. KING : Those are handsome horns, Homer. Will you favor us with a sweet ANDY : Dirty pool! serenade?

NARRATOR : After the dastardly deed HORNSMAN : I’d be honored, Your was done, the deceitful Artemis Highness. returned to the castle with the woolly wild boar to collect the reward. NARRATOR : But as the horn was brought to Homer’s lips to blow, no

60 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com tune was turned. Instead, with wonder KING : And for your backstabbing and amazement, a song was delivered. brother, a slow painful execution.

HORN’S SONG : ARTEMIS : Ouch! Oh, sad is the song I bring to you all Treachery and deception caused the ANDY : Wait, good King, I beg you to fall. pardon him. Andy was the true hero of the day Artemis tried to sweep his brother PRISSY : I beg your pardon? away. The boar was downed by Andy’s hand ANDY : No, beg his. I don’t want his And now trapped is he in a waterless death to haunt our honeymoon. land. PRISSY (Shyly ): Oh, Andrew. KING : What is that we hear? Have you lied to us? ANDY : Besides, blood is thicker than water. ARTEMIS : Hey, hornblower. Play the other horn. ARTEMIS : And I’d like to keep mine!

HORN’S SONG : KING : But Artemis must be punished It is he that deserves all rewards you sell for his boarish behavior and betrayal. Rescue poor Andy at the bottom of the well. PRISSY : I have a suggestion, Father. Why not send him to Uncle Walter? PRISSY : But where’s the well? KING : Uncle Walter? HORN’S SONG : Just out of the woods between the river PRISSY : Yes, he always wanted a scribe and dell. for recording all his tedious timeless travel tales. Listening to them would KING : Call out the guard and save the be a fate worse than death! lad. And put his brother in a cell. KING : So let it be written...so let it be NARRATOR : Andrew was rescued and done! Captain Lance, take the guard brought back before the King and and escort the prisoner to King Princess just in time for dessert. Walter’s Castle.

KING : So it was you who defeated the ARTEMIS : No! beast? NARRATOR : Artemis was sent to try to ANDY : Yes, Your Majesty. tackle yet another bore. He served as scribe for many years and was bored to KING : Then it is you who will be the many tears. Princess Prissy Marie and heir to my throne and have earned the Prince Andrew were wed and lived in hand of Princess Prissy Marie. pure happiness beyond compare. King Welcome, my son! Newton’s Kingdom flourished in peace and prosperity, never to be bothered by PRISSY : Yea! a boar again. THE END

MARCH 2015 61 Pantomime (All Grades) Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com).

The Leak An inventive one-person play in which mime works to plug that darned water leak. . . . by Danni Robb and Michael Sturko

This is a pantomime with only one floor, and starts to rise again, when the character, wearing a black T-shirt and dripping stops. He strokes chin as if in black pants. “He” is used throughout, thought, then gets up and walks to the though of course the part may be played side of stage from which dripping was by a female. The setting consists of a heard. He takes a cautious look around, bare stage, and all properties mentioned then shrugs his shoulders and starts to are imaginary. The variety of sound return to his paper. After taking a cou - effects throughout are handled by the ple of steps, he reacts, startled, as if a production crew offstage. large drop of water has landed on his head and, at the same time, a resound - MIME enters, carrying an unseen ing plop is heard. He looks up and newspaper under one arm. He sits reacts as another drop of water lands in cross-legged on the floor and pulls news - his eye. Disgusted, he steps back and paper out from under his arm. He pan - looks up. He sees the leak. The dripping tomimes unfolding the newspaper, then continues at a steady rate. MIME looks reading it. After a few moments, the at the floor and again at the ceiling, sound of water dripping is heard. It is thoughtfully. quiet at first, but eventually it increas - es in volume. MIME looks up from his Confidently, he places one cupped paper, then turns the page and tries to hand under the drip. Within a few sec - concentrate on it. After a few seconds, onds, however, a worried look crosses he angrily slams the paper together, his face. He cups both hands together folds it, and puts it on the floor. He beneath the leak. For a moment he starts to rise. The dripping stops. MIME appears satisfied, then he looks around stays in position for a second, sheepish - as if searching for something. His ly looks around, then sits again, picks expression becomes desperate. Then he up the paper, and opens it. appears to have a sudden inspiration, and drinks the water in his hands, and The dripping begins again. MIME cups them once again beneath the leak. stares straight ahead as he slowly low - Soon, he is forced to do this again. The ers the paper. He puts the paper on the speed of the dripping increases, and he

62 PLAYS • playsmagazine.com begins to cup his hands and drink more into his mouth. With a debonair ges - and more rapidly. When he can’t drink ture, he tucks the wrapper into his shirt another drop, he tosses the last handful pocket. He chews gum slowly, thor - over his shoulder. The sound of the oughly enjoying every bite. dripping slows down to its original slow pace. MIME appears exasperated. After a few moments he pulls an end of it out of his mouth. Unsatisfied, he Suddenly he brightens and, as if returns gum to his mouth and chews it struck by an idea, places his index fin - a few times more. With an innocent ger in the air and exits left. The noise of look, he takes the gum from his mouth, heavy objects being moved is heard off - begins to whistle, and, without any stage, then MIME reenters, carrying an warning, presses the gum up into the unseen pail. He looks smugly at the leak. The dripping stops. Smiling, leak and places the imaginary pail MIME climbs back down the steplad - directly beneath it. The sound changes der, looks once more at the leak, and, to that of water hitting metal. Satis- silently chuckling to himself, picks up fied, MIME starts toward his paper. As the stepladder, puts it under his arm, he does, the rate of the dripping begins and starts to exit. He is nearly offstage to increase so that within a few seconds when a very quiet pop is heard, followed it sounds like a steady stream of water. by the sound of the drip. MIME jumps MIME rushes back and stares at the and drops the stepladder on his foot. A pail in disbelief. He picks it up and clattering noise is heard. He hops turns to walk away in order to empty it. around, holding the injured foot in one Almost immediately the speed of the hand and clenching the other in a fist, water is reduced to a slow drip. MIME which he shakes at the leak. stops in his tracks and slowly looks back at the leak, then at his pail. He Filled with determination, he picks quietly tiptoes back and puts the pail up the stepladder, puts it in the previ - under the leak. Immediately, the sound ous position, and stalks offstage. Again of a steady stream of water is heard. He the sound of objects being dragged is draws back quickly. The slow drip heard. MIME reenters, carrying an resumes. MIME repeats the action, imaginary bottle in one hand, which he with the same results. He tries once shakes vigorously at the leak. He then more, only this time he passes the pail grabs the bottle with his other hand quickly under the leak from one side to and makes a twisting motion, attempt - the other. The water rushes for a ing to remove the cork from the bottle. moment as the pail passes beneath. He The cork does not budge. He braces the sighs heavily. He gives the leak a dis - bottle between his legs. As the cork gusted look out of the corner of his eye. loosens, a squeak is heard, followed by He stares at it for a second. Then, he a popping sound. begins to smile. With a sly expression, he exits, carrying the pail. Crashing Without a second look, MIME tosses and banging are heard offstage. He re- the bottle away. A crash is heard off - enters a few moments later, carrying an stage. With a frenzied look, MIME pan - imaginary stepladder. With a great tomimes racing up the stepladder. Then deal of difficult juggling, fumbling and he smiles evilly, and begins to twist the loss of balance, he places the imaginary cork into the leak, which stops. He stepladder next to the leak. He pan - appears triumphant. Popping sound is tomimes climbing several rungs, and, heard almost immediately and the drip - resting against the stepladder, pulls an ping resumes. MIME pulls at his hair in imaginary piece of gum from his pocket, rage and leaps off stepladder, stagger - unwraps it and nonchalantly pops it ing backwards a few steps to recover

MARCH 2015 63 from the fall. He finds the cork, clench - MIME falls onto floor. There is a loud es it in his teeth, climbs the stepladder rumble and then a crash as the ceiling quickly, and jams the cork into place. falls. The sound of rushing water is He begins to pound it with his fist. Then heard. Then there is silence. MIME sits he starts using both fists. Soon he is up with difficulty. He dusts off the rub - banging indiscriminately at the ceiling. ble that has landed on him. He rubs his A creaking sound is heard. head. It is quiet for a few moments. Then.... drip....drip....drip. MIME falls MIME disregards this and continues back, fainting. ( Curtain ) to pound. The creaking increases, then THE END the sound of a loud crack is heard.

PRODUCTION NOTES Pygmalion (Play on pages 2-10 ) CHARACTERS : 5 female, 4 male. of wood; 2 single roses on stems; small PLAYING TIME : 20 minutes. platform on wheels with chair or stool COSTUMES : Ancient Greek chitons on top; sheet large enough to cover (belted tunics—short for male, long for Galatea; cell phone; pair of sandals. female) and sandals for all. Himations SETTING : Ancient Greece. A few bench - (like togas) can be worn to add color to es here and there and perhaps a pillar both male and female characters. or two to suggest the location. Aphrodite should be the only character LIGHTING : No special effects. in pure white with gold trimming. SOUND : Cymbals crashing; thunder, as PROPERTIES : Whittling knife and piece indicated in script.

The Pardoner’s Tale (Play on pages 23-28 ) CHARACTERS : 2 male, 1 female, 5 male almost to his waist. or female. PROPERTIES : Sheets of paper on which PLAYING TIME : 20 minutes. pardons are written, rolled up into COSTUMES : Late medieval dress. A long scrolls and tied; three bags of poison; robe for Chaucer. Apothecary wears several coins, two plastic bottles. long-sleeved, flowing shirt, and his legs SETTING : The stage is empty except for are wrapped in burlap rags. Thieves a cardboard cut-out of a gnarled old tree wear patched pants, worn shirts, and which stands back, center, with three ragged coats, jackets, and vests; 2nd baskets under it, and a bench down Thief carries dagger. Tavern Maid right. Tavern is suggested by three rus - wears long dress with large white tic stools and a small table. apron. Old Man resembles Father LIGHTING : No special effects. Time—he is bent, dressed in long robes, SOUND : Tolling of church bell, as indi - with beard and long hair hanging cated in text.

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