Basics of Non-Violent Communication

Prepared by Sergio Matos and Romelia Rodriguez (of the Community Health Worker Network of NYC)

Communication is the exchange of information. Think about how two people hold a conversation. First, one person talks and the other listens. Then based on what that person heard (verbal communication) and saw (non-verbal communication), she or he responds. Information and ideas are exchanged between the two. Community Follow- up Workers' jobs are based on the exchange of information and ideas. Communication is at the core to being an effective Community Follow-up Worker. Communication is the way we receive information about our clients and deliver our message(s). It is about expressing yourself clearly to another person, and about hearing what the other person is saying to you. It's about being clear in what you say, and how you say it. Effective communication is about seeing a situation with compassion and listening openly to the other person. It's about trying to find a solution that works for all involved. It's about being creative. Think about just how many people you talk to in one day. As a Community Follow-up Worker, one moment you're doing a home visit, talking to a client about their situation, then the next moment you're sitting around a conference table reviewing cases with your team. Whoever you are talking with or wherever you may be, the way you communicate with someone makes a difference in whether or not you can understand what they need and get your point across effectively. In the Communications sessions, nine basic skills will be learned and practiced. We will learn very practical communication skills for listening clearly, hearing a person's statement of their needs and handling difficult situations or disagreements with respect, compassion, and clarity. It is a process of changing our attitudes and relearning a new set of communication skills. These communication skills are for everyone and are often referred to as “Non-Violent Communication”. They were put together by a psychologist, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg1, who founded a center that teaches nonviolent communication skills all over the world - including in many situations of war and conflict. These non-violent communication skills will focus on

1 For more information on Marshall Rosenberg's work and for more resources on nonviolent communication skills visit the website for the Center for Non-Violent Communication at www.cnvc.org or the New York Council for Non-Violent Communication at www.nvcnvc.org. developing our ability to identify a person's needs when they speak to us and strengthen our ability to remain human, even under the most trying conditions. These skills will help us listen compassionately, make observations rather than judgments and clearly communicate our own needs. What You'll Learn: • Skill One: Compassion. There is an old saying that says, "Don't judge a person 'until you've walked a mile in their shoes." This skill allows us to develop the ability to think about other people and situations with compassion, even when you don't like what they are doing or saying. It's about how to look at another person with kind eyes. This skill is extremely useful when working with families. • Skill Two: Observations. This skill is often referred to as, "Just the facts, ma'am." This skill allows us to see situations just as they are, without judgment or blame. As Community Follow- up Workers and trusted members of the communities we serve, we are often the only ones who have access to pertinent information about our clients. We serve as invaluable bridges between our clients and their clinical resources. In this role, we are often called upon to record and document observations which no other clinical team member has access to. This skill will help us record our home visits and document our work in a way that provides useful information. • Skill Three: Feelings. This skill will focus on developing the ability to identify and express your feelings, rather than what the other person is doing to you. When you are trying to raise sticky issues, this skill will help focus the conversation on the issue and avoid conflict and insult. • Skill Four: Expressing Yourself. This skill is also known as “Making suggestions, not demands.” Effective expression involves combining the previous four skills to express yourself in ways that maximize clarity and minimize conflict. In summary, this skill helps us to see a situation, make an observation about it, tell the other person how you feel, and then express what you would like to happen. This skill is extremely useful in helping us develop goals with our clients, establish personal and professional boundaries in our lives and communicate effectively with other members of the COBRA Case Management team. This skill allows us to stick up for ourselves without using a sledgehammer. • Skill Five: Listening to Others. This skill helps our ability to actively listen to what people are communicating and teaches techniques for confirming our observations such as paraphrasing and “checking in” with the other person. This skill develops our ability to ask open-ended questions that promote communication and help draw out more information. • Skill Six: Hearing Criticism. This skill focuses on developing our ability to hear criticisms or attacks and turn it into useful information without taking personal offense. Our work often involves helping families progress through a difficult process of change in their risky behaviors and some might feel attacked by your suggestions. This skill helps us focus our attention on a person's needs and accept criticism without personalizing insult and escalating conflict. • Skill Seven: Non-Verbal Communication. This skill develops our ability to notice our own body language and that of others as we communicate. It helps us make sure our body language matches our words so that we avoid giving mixed messages that might foster mistrust and promote conflict. This skill enhances our ability to notice unspoken signals and messages. • Skill Eight: Creating a Win-Win Situation. This skill helps us focus our attention on conflict resolution so that we generate solutions that benefit all parties involved. • Skill Nine: Team Work. Using many of the skills already learned, this session emphasizes communication skills in both lateral and vertical relationships. This skill will enhance our ability to communicate non-violently with colleagues as well as supervisors, managers and directors. This ability will enhance our relationship with other team members and allow us to utilize supervision to better help us meet our needs. Remember, learning these skills is like learning a different language and takes practice, practice, and more practice. Be patient with yourself and others.