AAAnnn IIInnntttrrroooddduuuccctttiiiooonnn tttooo NNNooonnnvvviiiooollleeennnttt sssmmm CCCooommmmmmuuunnniiicccaaatttiiiooonnn (((NNNVVVCCC)))

A Language of Compassion Rather Than Domination

Nonviolent Communicationsm (NVC), developed by Purpose of NVC , guides us to reframe how we express „ To inspire compassionate, heartfelt ourselves, how we hear others and resolve conflicts by connection so that all needs may be our consciousness on what we are observing, valued feeling, needing, and requesting. It is a tool that leads us „ To connect to the life in ourselves and toward a quality of connection among people where others everyone’s needs are valued and get met through „ To be inspired and to inspire others to compassionate giving—out of the joy of contributing to give from the heart another human being. The potency of NVC is in its pragmatic simplicity. In "In every moment, each of us is trying to any moment, there are two ways to enhance connection & meet our needs in the best way we know understanding: (1) vulnerably express our own feelings & how." ~ Marshall Rosenberg needs, or (2) empathically listen to the feelings & needs of Background of NVC the other. These are radically different choices than we are „ accustomed to experience when we are in conflict: Developed by Marshall Rosenberg during namely, fight, submit or flee. the Civil Rights era; influenced by While simple, NVC is often challenging to embody „ Center for Nonviolent : because we are so deeply conditioned to perceive each web: www.cnvc.org, email: other through judgments. With practice, the tool of NVC [email protected], phone: 1-818-957-9393 helps us navigate within ourselves to transform blame & judgment--where neither our own needs nor those of the “Judgments & violence are tragic expressions other person are likely to be met--into a mutual awareness of unmet needs.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg of human needs. What NVC is not … Thinking & Language NVC is not about being nice; it's about that Alienate Us from One Another being real. It's not about stifling intensity, „ Diagnoses, judgments, labels, analysis, criticism, but transforming it. comparisons, etc. NVC is not about changing other people „ Deserve thinking (i.e. that certain behaviors merit or getting them to do what we want. It's punishment or rewards) about creating connection & understanding. „ Demands (denial of other person’s choice; intention to punish those who don’t do it) NVC is not a technique or formula. It's a „ Denial of choice or responsibility (had to, should, process that helps guide our consciousness to supposed to, they made me do it, etc.) a new awareness.

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4 Components of an NVC Expression 1. OBSERVATION “When I see/hear/notice…” (free of judgments, labels, diagnoses, opinions, etc.) 2. FEELING (free of thoughts) Examples of feelings when needs ARE met: Affectionate Confident Engaged Excited Exhilarated Grateful Inspired Hopeful Exuberant “… I feel …” Joyful Calm Refreshed

Examples of feelings when needs are NOT met: Annoyed Angry Disgusted Uneasy Detached Tense Embarrassed Tired Sad Vulnerable Scared Pain 3. NEED (universal human needs free of strategies) Examples: Beauty Autonomy Mourning Honesty Love “… because I need/value …” Safety Respect Community Contribution Mutuality Authenticity Transparency Acceptance To be valued Play Support 4. REQUEST (free of demands) “Would you be willing to …?”

2 Ways of Moving Toward Connection 1. Honestly express your own feelings & needs Example: “When I see you read the „ Ongoing awareness of feelings & connected needs in newspaper while I’m talking, I feel frustrated because I’m wanting to be present moment „ Willingness & courage to express those feelings & needs heard. Would you be willing to close the newspaper for 5 minutes and hear (vulnerability) my idea?” 2. Empathically listen to other’s feelings & needs „ Qualities of empathic listening: presence, focus, space, caring, verbal reflection of feelings & needs Are you feeling … because you „ NOT advising, fixing, consoling, story-telling, need …? sympathizing, analyzing, explaining, … „ No matter what is said, hear only feelings, needs, observations & requests

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“Giraffe” vs. “Jackal”

Life Alienating Life-Serving in NVC … “Jackal” “Giraffe” Consciousness … Domination Partnership To be right Connection or Intention … To get others to do what I Understanding want Moral judgments Life-serving judgments Principal judgments … (good/bad, right/wrong) (needs met or unmet) Dualistic (either/or) Dialectical (both/and) Extrinsic Intrinsic Motivation for actions … (rewards / punishment) (feelings / needs) Caused by outside actions, Caused by our own Source of feelings … people & events thoughts or needs Create safety through … Obedience Connection Caste system / hierarchy Equality / mutuality Power over Power with Relationship with others ... win / lose win / win Getting our own way Meeting everyone’s needs External Internal Source of authority … government, church, Divine within employer, parents Give through … or or anger Compassion or joy Want others to feel Others empathically Stimulating pain in others our pain by … present to us “Please” …a cry for help. See another’s pain as … Causing pain in ourselves. A cry for empathy … a gift Enemy or hero images Wholeness as a human “See” another person What do you deserve? What do you need? through … What are you? What’s alive in you? You (object) Thou (person) Past behaviors Focus on… Present moment Future events

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The “4 Ears”: How We Choose to Hear Difficult Messages EXAMPLE #1 4 Ears: Person A: How dare you walk out of the room when I’m talking! You 1. Blaming others inconsiderate S.O.B.! You just can’t stand to hear the truth. (attacking) 2. Blaming ourselves 1. B (blaming A): Me the S.O.B. … how about you! You’re the one who (submitting) started all this in the first place. You are so self-righteous telling me 3. Sensing our own feelings I’m inconsiderate. You’ve never thought about another human being & needs besides yourself! 4. Sensing others’ feelings & needs 2. Person B (blaming himself): Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. It’s just that I don’t know what to do. I never know Blaming is the realm of the what to do, or what to say. I feel so worthless! jackal. The jackal part of us 3. B (sensing his own feelings/needs): When I hear you say that, I feel sees the only choices as fight, hurt because I’m needing respect and to be seen for who I am. And I submit or flee. More than really need some space because I’m in a lot of pain right now… likely, the jackal doesn’t even Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me just say? see choices, but responds in a 4. B (sensing A’s feelings/needs): habitual or automatic Are you feeling angry and wanting respect and to be heard? … manner. EXAMPLE #2 We are each responsible for

how we hear what other [Mother has a 1-1/2 hour coffee with a friend… her first time away from people are saying. the children in 3 days.] 6-Year-Old: Mama I don’t want you to go! What could be more Connection is the realm of important than being with me?! (tugging at her leg, crying loudly) the giraffe. The giraffe part of

us knows that there are two 1. M (blaming child): Let go of my leg! And be quiet! You’ve got no ways to connect in any reason to cry … I’ve been with you all day. You always make this so moment: to sense our own hard! … when all I want to do is have a few minutes to myself! feelings & needs, or to sense 2. M (blaming herself): Oh, my gosh, I’ve really upset you! Why do I the feelings & needs of the always do this?! … Why am I so selfish? … I’m such an awful mother. other person. The giraffe is 3. M (sensing her own feelings/needs): Honey, I’m really feeling also keenly aware of the exhausted and needing to just have some personal time to connect choices she is making in with my good friend, Betty. Would you be willing to let Mary (the every moment. babysitter) hold you? … 4. M (sensing her child’s feelings/needs): Are you feeling sad and wanting to be held? … Are you feeling hurt and needing to know that you are precious and loved? …

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In my experience, learning NVC involves a different kind of "understanding" Some strategies or "learning" … very little learning from the head or making sense of that may enhance concepts … more learning from the heart, learning with my whole being, your learning expanding my awareness … it's not a linear progression, but spiraling more during this deeply & more expansively. workshop:

• Remember often the I have observed that this kind of learning does not happen very meaningfully intentions with which by talking about NVC. It happens most powerfully when we seek to connect you came … take with one another and with ourselves … when we engage in and witness the responsibility for their experience of NVC. The learning happens in the struggle and the longing to fulfillment. connect. I am often more empowered to engage in NVC when I remember • Pause often to notice that it is not about getting it right, but about moving toward the connection what is going on that I want (what Marshall calls "growing progressively less stupid"). within you … connect

to your own feelings & Amidst these experiences, each one of us is learning what we are ready for. needs In the same exercise or experience, we may each be learning something very • Express your needs different. I find that I am nearly always surprised. If I am willing to share my and ask for what experiences, I often notice that my own learning seems to deepen as it is would fulfill them. received by the other person or people that I am with. • Remember the

common intentions of CCCrrreeeaaatttiiinnnggg ttthhheee iiinnnttteeerrrnnnaaalll ssspppaaaccceee the group. ttthhhaaattt nnnuuurrrtttuuurrreeesss llleeeaaarrrnnniiinnnggg &&& cccooonnnnnneeeccctttiiiooonnn • Before speaking in the I have found that my learning of NVC happens more fully when I create a group, be clear what place in myself that supports that learning: your own needs are and what specific • a place of spaciousness … we're discovering what's already there, not request you have of putting more stuff in the group to meet • a place of awareness of self in this moment … noticing my thoughts your needs. … my body sensations … my feelings … my intentions … my needs • When another person … my choices is speaking, focus on their feelings & needs. • a place of openness … finding where I am tense or distracted, and • When another person “letting go” to a place of being alert, yet relaxed … not doing, but is speaking, pause or being check in to see if they • a place of choice … where there is no “have to”, no “should”, no are complete before “supposed to” … there are only choices expressing what is

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Web: http://www.basileia.org Phone: (434) 220-0437 Email: [email protected] 5 • a place of self-compassion … where there are no judgments, no right stirred up in you. • or wrong, no punishments or rewards … remembering that I am Remember: we are all trying to get my needs met in the best way I know how doing the best that we can • a place where I remember what I am responsible for and what I am not responsible for … Some strategies … what are your intentions for being here? … that may enhance … only you are responsible for your intentions, your feelings, your your learning after needs, your choices … this workshop: … only I am responsible for my intentions, my feelings, my needs, my • Get empathy. choices … Empathy is the fuel we need to connect. CCCrrreeeaaatttiiinnnggg ttthhheee cccooommmmmmuuunnniiitttyyy ssspppaaaccceee • Find an empathy ttthhhaaattt nnnuuurrrtttuuurrreeesss llleeeaaarrrnnniiinnnggg &&& cccooonnnnnneeeccctttiiiooonnn buddy & meet at least weekly. We are each co-creating and contributing to the quality of the community • Participate in an NVC space that holds us, whether we are conscious of it or not. What my practice group. intention is, where I focus my attention, and the choices I make … each of • Meet with an these becomes a part of the texture of the space. In my experience, certain experienced mentor qualities in that space support connection and learning among us: who can nurture your • a space of remembering our common intention for coming together growth … to connect with one another … to learn and grow in our • Participate in a 7-day understanding of that connection and in the process of NVC that takes or 9-day NVC us toward it immersion training • Strive to live NVC • a space of inclusiveness … where each person is invited and given the throughout your life: space to be heard … where your needs matter as much as my own at home, in your • a space of authenticity … where I vulnerably express my own feelings workplace, in the & needs as best I can organizations in which you participate • a space of empathy … where I strive to hear feelings and needs no • Pause often to notice matter what is being said … where I give each person plenty of space what is going on until that person has been fully heard within you … connect • a space of conscious choice … where I strive to hold our common to your own feelings & intention, the needs of each person, and my own needs as I choose needs how to best meet these needs … where I honor the choices of those • Meditate on needs around me • Love your jackal … he • a space of compassion … where there are no judgments, no right or has many gifts for you wrong, no demands, no punishments or rewards … only people trying to get their needs met in the best way they know how

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Observation “When I see…” “When I hear…”

Feeling Feeling INNER COMMUNICATION “Are you feeling “… I feel …” …?” CHOICE Express or Need Need Empathy “… because you “…because I need or value need or value …?” …” EMPATHIC CONNECTION

AUTHENTHIC EXPRESSION What I Need Request or Value

“Would you be willing to …?” EMPATHY - What I’m

Feeling SELF

CHOICE? Stimulus Blame Or Connect

Nonviolent The Jackal Communicationsm Show Process Overview © 2005 Basileia LLC, Charlottesville, VA

7 OOObbbssseeerrrvvvaaatttiiiooonnnsss vvvsss... EEEvvvaaallluuuaaatttiiiooonnnsss By Gregg Kendrick, Certified Trainer

When we express what has stimulated us, we strive in NVC to express it without blame or criticism—simply by Observation Cues: stating the observations of what happened without „ evaluation. “When I see …” „ “When I hear …” „ “When I recall seeing/hearing …” Observation with Observation Separated „ “When I imagine seeing/hearing …” Evaluation Mixed In From Evaluation You are too generous. When I see you give your Examples: lunch money to others, I “When I see you the newspaper think you are too …” generous. “When I hear you say, ‘I’ll never amount Doug procrastinates. Doug studied for the exam to anything,’ …” the night before. “When I remember seeing you hit the She won’t get her work in. I don’t think she’ll get her table with your fist, …” work in. If you don’t eat balanced If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be meals, I that your “To observe without evaluation is the highest impaired. health will be impaired. form of human intelligence.” —J. Krishnamurti Minorities don’t take care I have not seen the family

of their property. living at 1679 Ross shovel the snow on their Observation Check: sidewalk. Hank Smith is a poor Hank Smith has not scored „ Is my observation free of evaluation? soccer player. a goal in 20 games. „ Can my observation be recorded by the lens of a movie camera or the mike of a Jim is ugly. Jim’s looks don’t appeal to tape recorder? me. „ Does my observation contain words such You seldom do what I The last three times I as “always,” “never,” “whenever,” want. initiated an activity, you “constantly,” etc.? … am I using these said you didn’t want to do words factually or evaluatively? it. He frequently comes over. He comes over at least * parts of this document are adapted from the book “,” by Marshall Rosenberg, twice a week. nd 2 Edition, 2005, Puddledancer Press

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Web: http://www.basileia.org Phone: (434) 220-0437 Email: [email protected] 8 AAAwwwaaarrreeennneeessssss ooofff FFFEEEEEELLLIIINNNGGGSSS Distinguishing Feelings from Thoughts by Gregg Kendrick, Certified Trainer

Feelings are our barometers to tell us whether our needs are being met or Exercises to Build not. If we are experiencing pleasurable feelings (e.g. joy, relieved, calm), Awareness of our present need is being met. If we are experiencing painful feelings (e.g. Feelings … disappointment, frustration, sadness), our present need is not being met. 1. Read over the entire As long as we are alive, we are always experiencing feelings, regardless of feelings list slowly—out whether we are aware of them or not. Our feelings are dynamic, often loud if you are comfortable changing every few seconds. By training ourselves to be more mindful of doing so—pausing at least 5 our feelings and more aware of the nuances of feelings, we gain a greater or 10 seconds on each understanding of and connection with ourselves. feeling.

Feelings When Needs ARE Met AFFECTIONATE EXCITED HOPEFUL JOYFUL 2. Pick a feeling from the Compassionate Amazed Expectant Amused list and spend at least 1 or 2 Friendly Animated Encouraged Delighted minutes to experience each Loving Ardent Optimistic Glad of the following … Open hearted Aroused INSPIRED Happy Sympathetic Astonished Amazed Jubilant Tender Dazzled Awed Pleased … remember a time when Warm Eager Wonder Tickled you felt that feeling … Energetic REFRESHED PEACEFUL

ENGAGED Enthusiastic Enlivened Calm Absorbed Giddy Rejuvenated Clear headed … notice any body Alert Invigorated Renewed Comfortable sensations within you … Curious Lively Rested Centered Engrossed Passionate Restored Content Enchanted Surprised Revived Fulfilled … express the feeling through body movement Entranced Vibrant GRATEFUL Mellow and sound … Fascinated EXHILARATED Appreciative Quiet Gratitude Blissful Moved Relaxed Interested Ecstatic Thankful Relieved Intrigued Elated Touched Satisfied Involved Enthralled CONFIDENT Serene Spellbound Exuberant Empowered Still Stimulated Radiant Open Tranquil Rapturous Proud Trusting Thrilled Safe

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Feelings When Needs are NOT Met Feelings vs. Thoughts ANNOYED UNEASY Frazzled PAIN Authentic feelings emanate Aggravated Agitated Irritable Agony from the "heart"—they Dismayed Alarmed Jittery Anguish express vulnerability. Our Disgruntled Discombobulated Nervous Bereaved language, however, enables Displeased Disconcerted Overwhelmed Devastated us to use the word "feel" Exasperated Disturbed Restless Grief when we are actually Frustration Perturbed Stressed out Heartbroken expressing thoughts, not Impatient Rattled Hurt feelings. For example: Irritation Restless TIRED Lonely "I feel like you aren't telling Irked Shocked Beat Miserable the truth." (thought) Startled Burnt out Regretful Translated: "I think you ANGRY Surprised Depleted Remorseful aren't telling the truth." Enraged Troubled Exhausted "I feel inadequate to raise my Furious Turbulent Lethargic SAD children." (perception of Incensed Turmoil Listless Depressed ourselves) Indignant Uncomfortable Sleepy Despair Translated: "I think I am Irate Unnerved Weary Despondent inadequate to raise my Livid Unsettled Worn out Disappointment children." Outraged Upset Discouraged "I feel abandoned." Resentful VULNERABLE Disheartened (perception of what others DETACHED Fragile Forlorn are doing to us) DISGUSTED Alienated Guarded Gloomy Translated: "I think that you Animosity Aloof Helpless Heavy hearted have abandoned me." Appalled Apathetic Insecure Hopeless Contempt Bored Leery Melancholy Other examples of thoughts Dislike Cold Reserved Unhappy that sound like feelings: Hate Closed Hearted Sensitive Wretched • Neglected Horrified Distant Shaky • Manipulated Hostile Distracted YEARNING • Abused Repulsed Indifferent AFRAID Envious • Misunderstood Numb Apprehensive Jealous • Mistreated EMBARRASSED Uninterested Dread Longing • Unappreciated Ashamed Withdrawn Frightened Nostalgic • Betrayed Chagrined Mistrustful Pining • Taken for granted Flustered TENSE Panicked Wistful • Disrespected Guilty Anxious Petrified • Bullied Mortified Cranky Scared • Put down Self-conscious Distressed Suspicious • Violated Distraught Terrified • Insulted Edgy Wary • Victimized Fidgety Worried

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At the core of NVC is the awareness of the “life energy” that stirs in each of us Exercises to Build in every moment. We see this life energy related to a quality we cherish which Awareness of sustains life. It may be expressed as a particular dream, need, want, longing or Needs … desire whose fulfillment or lack of fulfillment causes our feelings.

In NVC, we try to identify the “universal human needs” that are common to all 1. Read over the entire human beings. We distinguish these fundamental needs from more specific needs list slowly—out (time-place-person-action) wants and desires which reflect strategies to fulfill loud if you are these needs. The distinction of “needs” vs. “strategies” is crucial in NVC. comfortable doing so— pausing at least 5 or 10 The following list of needs is neither exhaustive nor definitive. While needs are seconds on each need. universal, the words to express them are simply words, and different people may use different words to convey a perceived need. As we develop our vocabulary of needs, our objective is not correctness, but awareness …* SELF- 2. Pick a need from the AWARENESS AUTHENTICITY TRANSPARENCY SOLIDARITY list and spend at least 1 Autonomy/Choice Honesty Affection Community Beauty Integrity Communication Contribute or 2 minutes to Body sensations Freedom Closeness Equality experience each of the Feelings Growth Companionship Inclusion following … Intentions Learning Compassion Justice … remember a moment Interdependence Play / Fun Connection Mutuality when that need was NOT Intrinsic value Self-Reliance Consideration Participation met for you ... Needs Competence Empathy Recognition Responsibility Resources Feedback Simplicity … as you focus on Unity Self-Connection Harmony / Ease remembering this past Wholeness Self-Compassion Intimacy moment, notice any body Self-Acceptance Nurturing PHYSICAL sensations within you … SIGNIFICANCE Self-Expression Respect WELL-BEING … what feelings arise in Celebration Creativity Security Air you? … Clarity / Insight Be fully alive Express sexuality Food Communion Challenge Stability Health / Healing … simply BE with this Hope / Trust Stimulation Support Movement feeling & need for a few Inspiration Spontaneity Touch Rest / Sleep minutes … Meaning Discovery Trust Safety (continued on back…) Mourning Exploration Understanding Shelter To be valued Personal Space Warmth Water * adapted from “Nonviolent Communication Workbook” by Lucy Leu, CNVC, 2001

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Taking Responsibility for our Feelings Exercise (cont.) We take responsibility for our own feelings by connecting them to the need within us that is either being met or not met. For example, 3. Now imagine this "I am disappointed because I would like companionship." need being richly & Contrast this expression to the more common way we often blame others for completely fulfilled for our feelings: you, and then spend at least 1 or 2 minutes to "You never want to spend time with me … why are you so selfish." experience each of the When we blame others for our feelings we tend to stimulate feelings of guilt in following... the other person. If we express our needs we have a better chance of getting … what are you them met. imagining would be

Need vs. Request happening? … Need: Universal human quality without reference to place, person or time … notice any body Request: A specific strategy to meet a need that usually involves a particular sensations within you … person doing something at a particular time … what feelings arise in you? … EXAMPLE … simply BE with this I have a need for companionship. I can imagine that need being met by making feeling & need for a few a particular request of you: "Would you be willing to meet with me at 2pm minutes … today at Williams Restaurant for a cup of coffee and ?" If you say "No," then I may try other dates or times or places with you that might work. … what request might Or I may ask someone else to meet me. you make of yourself that would contribute toward For every need, there are an enormous (i.e. infinite) range of possible strategies this need being fulfilled that could meet that need. in your life?

Self-full vs. Selfish vs. Selfless

Selfish: I only value my own needs

Selfless: I only value others' needs Self-full: I value my own needs and others' needs equally

The Path to Emotional Liberation

Stage 1, Emotional slavery: We believe we are responsible for the feelings of others. Stage 2, Obnoxious: We no longer want to be responsible for the feelings of others … and often express it with anger

Stage 3, Emotional liberation: We accept responsibility for our own intentions & actions, but not the feelings of others. We respond to the needs of others only 15Feb07 out of compassion & a desire to contribute, never guilt, fear or shame.

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RRReeeqqquuueeessstttsss vvvsss... DDDeeemmmaaannndddsss By Gregg Kendrick, Certified Trainer

Only after a connection has happened between people (i.e. a mutual understanding of each person's Request Cues feelings & needs) do we seek to find solutions. “Would you be willing to …?” ("Connection FIRST, then solutions") Request Check We are more likely to get our needs met when (1) we Requests are clear, positive, and are conscious of our needs and (2) we explicitly make a immediately "do-able". They offer a tangible request that may fulfill our needs. ("Ask for what you solution to meeting needs in the moment. need.") REQUESTS vs. DEMANDS Examples: In making a request, we honor a "NO" as much as a Clear: “Would you meet me for coffee at 3:30 "YES." For example, are we willing to try to understand tomorrow at the Downtown Coffee Shop?” what a person is saying "YES" to while they are saying Vague: “Would you have a conversation "NO" to us? Do we value the other's needs in that moment with me sometime?” as much as our own? Positive: “Would you be willing to explore Example: with me what needs of yours are met by You: “I’d really like to understand your needs so we smoking?” can work this problem out. Would you be willing to talk Negative: “Would you stop smoking?” about it right now for 5 minutes? Mary: “I don’t want to talk now.” Do-able: “Would you be willing to tell me what you just heard me say?” You: “Are you exhausted and want to get some rest?” Not do-able: “Would you listen to me?” Mary: “No, I just want to sit here & be left alone.” Connecting Requests You: “So you want to just be with yourself right now?” „ Did the person hear what you wanted to Mary: “Yeah, just leave me alone.” communicate?: "Would you be willing to tell me what You: “I want to trust that we’ll work this out soon … you just heard me say…?" would you be willing to talk this afternoon after lunch?”

Mary: “Maybe so, but not now.” „ What's going on in the other person after You: “OK … I’ll check with you after lunch.” hearing what you said?: "Would you be willing to tell me how you feel after hearing what I said …?"

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Gratitude or appreciation is recognizing when a person has contributed to our life or to the lives of others. Appreciation vs. Compliments Appreciation: what's alive in ourselves Expressing Gratitude (feelings & needs met) stimulated by the In NVC, we express gratitude in 3 parts: other person's actions 1. What specifically did the other person do that Compliment: a positive judgment of the enriched your life? other person 2. How do you feel now as you recall what they did? e.g. "You're really great!" "Good job!" "You are a kind person." 3. What need of yours was met by what they did? Compliments, though positive, are still Note that these three parts are simply the first three judgments of other people. They are often parts of any NVC expression: observation, feeling, need used to manipulate the behavior of others. Example: "When I remember you asking if I could use some “…the more you become a connoisseur of help this morning, I feel grateful because I value mutual gratitude, the less you are a victim of support among our team." resentment, depression, and despair. Gratitude will act as an elixir that will Receiving Appreciation gradually dissolve the hard shell of your In NVC, I receive appreciation joyfully, even with ego—your need to possess and control—and awe, as I hold in my awareness this power that flows transform you into a generous being. The through me to enrich life for others. It is often hard to sense of gratitude produces true spiritual receive appreciation fully because it is hard to recognize alchemy, makes us magnanimous— this beauty & power within us. large souled.” This is a very different experience than the way we —Sam Keen often respond to compliments, through false humility or a feeling of superiority. Hunger for Appreciation False humility: denies the importance of the We tend to notice & express what's appreciation; e.g. "It was nothing." wrong rather than what's right. We are all Feeling of superiority: Thinking "I am better than hungry for our intentions to enrich the lives others because I received the appreciation or of others to be recognized. compliment.” Exercise: "What appreciation might * parts of this document are adapted from the book “Nonviolent someone give you that would leave you Communication,” by Marshall Rosenberg, 2nd Edition, 2005, Puddledancer Press jumping for joy?"

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