THE BLUE AND WHITE Vol. VII, No. II October 2000 Columbia College, New York N Y

DAMNATIO MEMORIA Against Renaming Halls, Verse by Emily E. Voigt

MORNINGSIDE GOTHIC MEMORIES OF HISTORY AT COLUMBIA by Kevin Y. Kim Living Legacies Essay by Proj. Jacques Barzun CONTENTS.

Columns 2 7 I ntroduction 31 B l u e J 34 Culinary Humanities 38 Measure for Measure 4 6 T o ld B e t w e e n P u ffs 47 C u r io C o lu m bia n a 5 0 L e c t u r e N o tes 55 C a m pu s G o s sip Features 28 Barzun on History at Columbia 32 Renaming Halls: An Attack in Verse 35 Where to Bury a Dead Body 37 The Story of Pranks Past 40 Morningside Gothic 45 Volunteering Guide $ About the Cover: “Low Castle” by Clare H. Ridley

T ypographical N o t e The text of The Blue and White is set in Bodoni Old Face, which was revived by Günter Gerhard Lange based on original designs by Giambattista Bodoni of Parma (active between 1765 and 1813). The display face is Weiss, created by Rudolf Weiss for Bauer.

T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e THE BLUE AND WHITE

Vol. VII N e w Y o r k , O c t o b e r aooo No. II THE BLUE AND WHITE indling All Hallows pumpkin candles will be some time away still Editor-in-Chief when this issue of The MATTHEW RASCOFF, C’01 Blue and White reaches its Publisher faithful readers’ hands. C. ALEXANDER LONDON, C’02 But the spirit of October Managing Editor entire is imbued with an awareness of Tricks, Treats, and Ghosts. RICHARD J. MAMMANA, JR. C’02 Caspers first. Senior Editor Columbia’s ghosts are many; none doubt B. D. LETZLER, C’02 this. The riots of 1968 continue to wake the Graphics Editor echoes of the Hudson Valley, as do the souls of CLARE H. RIDLEY, C’02 departed alumni asking unsuspecting editors Literary Editor for directions to dorms long gone. KEVIN Y. KIM, C’02 (“What happened to Johnson Hall?” he asked me. “I haven’t been here in a while.” And as I Lecture Notes Editor pointed him in the direction of Wien, he YAACOB H. DWECK, C’02 walked in the other direction . . .) Conversations Editor Some ghosts are happy. Others are not. But ANGHARAD COATES, C’02 they all inspire. They are spirits, and they goad Associate Publisher us on to memory, to creation, to emulation and JEREMY A. FALK, C’02 even to redemption of things gone wrong. (Whether they do it through fear or through Editors muse-like encouragement is another matter HILARY E. FELDSTEIN, C’01 altogether). We the undeparted have all the DANIEL S. IMMERWAHR, C’02 advantage of action. And so this issue takes a ARIEL MEYERSTEIN, C’02 look at things departed all over campus: build­ ADAM VALENSTEIN, C’02 ings, books, bodies and history. MARIEL L. WOLFSON, C’02 Now for tricks. Far be it from B & W staff to DAVID SACK, C’02 engage in anything but the most above-board EMILY E. VOIGT, C’02 of activities. Perish the thought! But the cam­ AINSLEY G. ROSS, B’04 pus is not without its own experience of the Artists most delicious of tricks, a healthy round of MISCHA BYRUCK, C’04 which is here served up for reader delectation. PAUL HEYER, C’04 The sweetest is last: a treat. In honor of our CRAIG HOLLANDER, C’04 two immediate Editors Emeriti, Sydney Treat ADAM WOLKOFF, C’04 C’1893 and Noam Elcott C’OO, the Treat-Elcott The B&Winvites contributions of original liter­ Prize will from now on be awarded to the fic­ ary work from the Columbia community and tion piece of best literary merit submitted to welcomes letters from all readers. Articles repre­ these pages during the course of the year. The sent the opinions of their authors. award consists of three parts: publication of Email: [email protected] the winning story, a $100 cash prize and pres­ tige unbounded. A treat indeed. ® O c t o b e r 2000 Memories of History at Columbia Living Legacies Essay by Professor Jacques Barzun ne of the silliest things done today in the dom adds that some were better than others. world of higher education is to publish This preamble is to make clear the character an annual ranking of the leading universities.of what follows, namely, how the Columbia TheO weeklies that conduct such surveys pre­ history department appeared in the second tend that the public wants to know which are and third quarters of this century, first to a stu­ best: it knows this about teams in professional dent, next to a young colleague, then to a sen­ sports, why not about colleges? The answer ior member, and finally to an academic admin­ that is given is about departments, not institu­ istrator. These four witnesses are myself. tions, so it is no guide to choosing a college. In 1923, when I entered Columbia College, it And the ranking is done by asking the mem­ was in the fifth year of its influential innova­ bers of departments to judge their colleagues tion, the required course called Introduction to elsewhere, so it yields very shaky estimates. Contemporary Civilization in the West. It had They are based on the kind and amount of replaced History 1, which had also been scholarly publication, so that added to the required. Contemporary Civilization (“C.C.”) unconscious bias of personal connections was an amalgam of the political, economic, and there is that of agreement on doctrine and intellectual history of Europe and America overvaluation of work done on the topic in from AD 1200 to the 1920s. It was taught in fashion. In a word, the ranking procedure is small sections by instructors drawn from the the very negation of scholarly method. It tells departments indicated by the list of the sub­ the public nothing about college education. jects combined. To many observers it seemed To know the quality of a department, college, strange at the time that instructors should be or university calls for residence within it in teaching matters “outside their field”; but if some working capacity, together with academ­ the student mind was capable of grasping the ic experience and the judicial mind. And even expanded offering, it was reasonable to suppose then, the most that can be ascertained is that the teacher’s could stretch to a like extent. whether, on the whole, the performance is out­ This departure and the argument about it standing, competent, or substandard. When arose from a fact of history itself. In the pre­ the testimony is detailed and abundant, as it ceding two decades, leading thinkers in every was in the late eighteenth century about the Western country had redefined the scope of universities of Scotland, one may conclude that the social sciences and of history in particular. as a group they attained excellence, and wis­ A generation before them, the English histori­ WEST SIDE STATIONERS

IVY LEAGUE STATIONERS 2620 Broadway 2815 Broadway 2955 Broadway (corner of 99th St), (btn 108th-109th Sts), (btn 115th-116th Sts), NYC 10025 NYC 10025 NYC 10025 Tel: (212) 662-3151 Tel: (212) 222-9657 Tel: (212) 316-9741 Fax: (212) 662-3426 Fax:(212)222-9646 Fax: (212) 316-9743 PAUL JOHNDADU a8 T h e B lue a n d W h it e an E. A. Freeman had said: “History is past pol­ atmosphere of the University, and not alone itics,” and it was understood that to be com­ that of the College, was permeated by ideas plete a book-length piece of research could and feelings bom of the war. Three members cover no more than a few years. The revolt at of the history department, James T. Shotwell, the turn of the century was against this narrow Carlton J. H. Hayes GSAS’09 HON’29, and conception. When Karl Lamprecht came from Parker T. Moon had been involved in official Germany to the International Congress that work related in one way or another to treaty- met in St. Louis in 1904 to celebrate (a little making at Versailles; several of the younger tardily) the Louisiana Purchase, he declared members had been in the armed services; and that history must now make use of findings in the undergraduate body itself included an the new sociology and psy­ influential group of “veter­ chology. A little later at ans,” who were completing Columbia, James Harvey their interrupted education Robinson gave the program or beginning it after post­ of a “new history” that must ponement. Their presence take into account the life lent a touch of maturity to and force of ideas. In classwork in history: they France, Henri Berr, had been to Europe and responding to the world­ had seen the war. wide spirit of Populism, Like other departments of called on scholars to replace instruction at Columbia, the history of statesmen and history was divided into a warriors with that of “the College and a graduate people,” which meant a soci­ branch. The latter, housed ological concern with the In anticipation of the Columbia’s in Kent Hall, was composed past. Simultaneously, inter­ quarter millenium in 2004, The Blue of the senior members, who preters of Karl Marx wanted and White has teamed up with the taught only graduate cours­ to show economic facts as Anniversary Publication Committee to publish a series of “Living es. The juniors across the the engine of history. Legacies” essays on great figures road in Hamilton Hall Dilthey in Germany saw on from 20th century Columbia history. taught the College boys the contrary that cultural The essays will appear in these under the direction of a full forms and styles made up a pages over the next four years. professor designated as Zeitgeist that the historian Emeritus Professor of History head. He maintained the ignored at his peril. Jacques Barzun is the author of the liaison with the other half Meanwhile in England, recent book From Dawn to as regards appointments, Lord Acton, who had just Decadence. promotions, and salaries. As completed his editorship of for the curriculum, it was the largely political Cambridge Modern decided upon in a way that required him to be History in twelve volumes, urged the young to an able negotiator. After gauging the abilities “study a problem, not a period.” of his young team, he proposed—and the grad­ This wind of doctrine blowing from all quar­ uate branch disposed; except that the interde­ ters was what swept History 1 out of the partmental Committee on Instruction of the Columbia College curriculum in 1919 and put College, led by the dean, had ideas of its own. “Contemporary Civilization” in its place. The Not only did it not rubber-stamp everything declared purpose of the course was to equip that came from the departments, it also pro­ the student with a sum of knowledge enabling posed. The College faculty, which was the him to understand what had led Europe to the entire College teaching staff, had final say. war of 1914-18 and to the present civilization It was the dean and his committee that transformed by that worldwide event. Indeed, by the mid-1920s at Columbia, the Continued on page 48 O c t o b e r 2000 29 UNIVERSITY RESIDENCE HALLS UPDATE

The Heat is On: Basic Information • Heat in University Residence Halls was turned on October 1st, and will remain through the spring. • Whenever outside temperature falls below 55°F an aver­ age temperature of 68°F is maintained in Residence Halls. • Between the hours of 10 PM and 6 AM, if the tempera­ ture falls below 40°F the average temperature is maintained at 60°F. Temperature will vary in rooms according to location in building and time of day.

To adjust the heat: • Broadway, Carman, East Campus, Furnald, Shapiro: Turn the blower fan to one of several operating speeds.

• McBain, Ruggles, Watt, Wien, Woodbridge, 47 Claremont: Radiator valves can only be placed in ON or OFF positions. Any attempt to half open or close the valve will result in broken pipes, leakage and flooding.

• Hartley-Wallach, Hogan, John Jay: Heat is connected to one control valve for several rooms and suites. The heat cannot be shut off unless it is for the entire building.

If you have a problem with your heating system: Please report it to the Office of Adminstrative Services at 4-2779 or sub­ mit it as an online work order through the URH website at: http:/!www. Columbia, edu/cu/reshalls/maintreq. html

Director of Residence Halls Administrative Services Ross Fraser, 102 Wallach, x42777 118 Hartley Hall, x44994 Joyce Jackson, Housing Services Assistant Director 125 Wallach Hall, x42775 Maureen Toro, Manager Rob Lutomski, Assistant Director Steve Cramer, Manager

30 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e BLUEJ. More semester lockers in Butler; cushions for sitting on the Steps emester lockers are assigned on the first day of the term at nine in the morning in he recent lovely weather has prompted Smain lobby of Butler Library. As there are far Blue J. to spend more time than she fewer lockers than demand can handle, many should basking in the sun as she sits near people arrive early to wait in hopes of being Alma.T As is pointed out by tour guide and one of the chosen few. This September, Columbiana devotee alike, one of the most Columbia once again demonstrated its cheru­ beloved aspects of our fair campus is the time- bic brand of bureaucratic incompetence: sever­ honored ritual of gathering on the Steps, to al people had been wait­ sunbathe, eat lunch and gen­ ing for at least an hour erally view our bucolic land­ when the library staff scape. However, with the blithely set up their table recent opening of Ferris in the middle of the land­ Booth Commons, with its ing—that is, in the middle freshly-made sushi and pris­ of the line. Chaos ensued tine panes of glass offering a as the line collapsed and quite nifty view across South students crowded Lawn and Butler, something around, trying frantically new will have to be presented to get a litde corner to to tempt students to spend call their own. Many of their midday hour on the those who had been Steps. To that end, Blue J. waiting the longest were suggests Columbia rent out among the unlucky, and stadium cushions to the Step- Blue J.’s heart goes out to sitters. Who could pass up an them. opportunity to recline in style There is a larger issue 1 on a seat cushion emblazoned here altogether: the seri­ with Columbia’s name? A ous lack of storage space cushion-vendor booth erected in the Library. The on Low Plaza could bring in semester lockers get gobbled up while row some much-needed currency to ease the bur­ upon row of day lockers barely get used at all. den of the new Broadway Residence Hall. Butler patrons would surely appreciate it if the Whether or not the cushion booth will also University either built new lockers or changed offer giant foam hands is another matter. ® half the day lockers to semester lockers. LABYRINTH BOOKS

SPECIALIZING IN SCHOLARLY & UNIVERSITY PRESS BOOKS 536 West 112th Street, New York, NY 10025 (212) 865-2749 online at http://www.labyrinthbooks.com

O c t o b e r 2000 3 i The Columbiad: Against Renaming Halls by Emily E. Voigt The Roman council raised the cry: all D.C. electricity, Damnatio Memoriae! and velvet, floral draperies, Ignoble Nero strummed the harp, attractive views from every room, while Rome did bum by his cruel spark. and active maids each day ‘till noon. And when the violent flame subsided, he claimed the Christians did ignite it! This elegant, exquisite Eden This conflagration swallowed down belonged exclusively to women. most monuments to Nero’s crown, That’s right, our SEAS had just begun but dedications still remaining— to let some girls in on the fun! inscriptions crammed with false laudations— And wisely, they were duly cautioned may half-way chiseled out provide to never leave their curtains open, a stem reminder for Roman eyes. while changing any inner garments, The mutilated name of Nero lest vulgar men should catch a glimpse. shall ever mark him as a zero! They also got the sage advice that sun on roofs is surely nice, * and gentle rays suggest a break, This ancient form of condemnation, but bathe in clothes for Harlem’s sake! this brutish breed of mortification that aims to damn by disregard, These caveats may seem absurd, strikes close to home in our backyard. but administrators were concerned Now muse, step forth and help me, please, ’bout ladies running willy-nilly exhume the buried memories around a town like New York City. of spirits tricked and souls played false They wrote a little warning guide within Columbia campus’ walls. with rules by which one should abide in a place “so cosmopolitan Oh, Worthy Reader, listen close as almost to be really foreign.” as I recall our buildings’ ghosts— They handed out this trusty pamphlet those men whose names were once engraved to anyone inclined to take it in marble plaques o’er grand doorways. within this dormitory called Do hear the dreadful, tragic story the new and modern Johnson Hall. of souls denied eternal glory, those dead who lie in restless torpor resentful of unjust usurpers! And now this poet shall commence the foul tale of a residence: One splendid structure on East Campus went by a different alias when it sprung up in the mid-twenties with grace and opulence a-plenty. In manuals for residents, the following were listed present: bureau scarves and chiffoniers, room service weekdays, cushy chairs,

32 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e ’Twas named for one fine Samuel Johnson, from death’s deep slumbers to retake as well as for his eldest son. a building of this caliber, Said father was the first to be regardless of its taco bar. asked by the university, If anything, Lou Wien might ask to function as the president the Johnson boys to take it back. for eight aspiring students (who, right away, we can assume, And so we deem the issue moot, complained about the crowded room). here closing this one anecdote. A similarly sordid story So “woefully,” quite “unprepared,” involves another dormitory: Johnson accepted, ’spite his fears of New York’s smallpox epidémic­ In nineteen-eighty, ’twas three years, os, dedicated academic! since fire engulfed the fine veneer He planned the first curriculum of Livingston Lounge, an age old harbor (which maybe we should change sometime), (built with the dorm in nineteen-four), and his fine spell of artsy zeal so famed for drink and social mingling did lead to our official seal. that students mourned its revolving ceiling. At Johnson’s time, the school was known But beyond these singes, the structure as one King’s College based downtown. sought Eventually the institution an overhaul and vast paint job. closed up to have a Revolution. Plus why not aim to house less people? But its reopening postwar, Some forty fewer seemed ideal! brought president Sam Johnson Junior! A kindly Mister Ira Wallach did reach into his trouser pocket You ask me where this dorm has gone (which via luck in pulp and paper, that once did bear the name of Johnson? It pains me highly to report, held wallet made of alligator), no longer does this building sport and proving URH’s salvation, The title of two men so great: produced two million for renovation. November Nineteen-eighty-eight Thus Doctor William J. McGill, one Mister Wien made a donation then president of our fine school, of cash for Johnson’s renovation. felt that a name change would exude To honor such munificence, the proper show of gratitude. a gesture so significant Some students steeped in grand tradition as to rename the stately dorm rose up in outraged opposition. was recommended by the board. The board quite bluntly disapproved And so this kind philanthropist so radical a naming move. did add it to a lengthy list Yet strong and stubborn stood McGill, consisting of a stadium, while battling largely uphill. plus Wien House, and a reading room He wisely argued Livingston on Butler Library’s third floor had been deceased since Eighteen-thirteen, with one football and plaques galore. and thus there was a broad suspicion, he played no part in the dorm’s erection. It’s possible the Johnson clan should rise October and demand This hurtful rumor went so far their rightful place on Campus East, as to suggest this shining star but I don’t fear it in the least. gave scarce a dime, much less a cent, Some doubt that anyone would wake Continued on page 51 O c t o b e r 2000 33 CULINARY HUMANITIES he autumnal season is upon us-it’s a time and The Blue and White will gendy exorcise of nippy air, colorful leaves, woolen your culinary vacua. Just remember that the sweaters, and of course, the Halloween partyIrish used to eat a bread called bairghean- Tcircuit. You’re thinking: time to scrounge up breac on Samhain, but denizens of the that old witch’s hat and pretend to enjoy dip­ Pyrénées celebrated with a millet-based cake ping your hand into a bowl of peeled grapes or called a truse. It is an essential distinction. petite candy bars. Sadly, the College set seems Halloween means vampires, and as any liter­ to be caught in Halloween limbo: we are no ary Columbian knows, the most famous vam­ longer cute enough to trick-or-treat, but we do pire of all time is Dracula, made famous by not to abandon our All Hallow’s Eve revelry Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel. But how many at entirely. The solution is to find an atmosphere your party are likely to be familiar with the of appropriate sophistication where you can Count’s place in the Western culinary tradi­ put your education to good use. tion? Those ignoramuses are likely to think To the culinary savant, Halloween means that he survived on blood alone. “That’s a pop­ more than tooth decay. Far more likely to daz­ ular misconception,” you should respond, “but zle than M&M’s, serve your guests callcannon, Dracula was from Transylvania-a region whose a tradidonal Irish dish made of mashed pota­ cuisine is underappreciated. I’m especially toes, parsnips, and onions. The Irish were fond of their wines.” instrumental in making Halloween the promi­ Indeed, Transylvanian wine has enjoyed a nent holiday it is in America today, so don’t renaissance of late. Traveling in 1865, Charles leave out the rest of their recipe: a ring, a china Boner, author of a comprehensive volume on doll, a thimble, and a coin. Depending on Transylvania as well as Chamois Hunting in the which object you happen to break a tooth on, Mountains of Bavaria, knew that Transylvanian you are destined for marriage, children, per­ wine was no ordinary libation: “were I to fol­ petual bachelorhood, or wealth. As your inter­ low my bent I should write of it in dithyram- locutor wraps her fingers bics, as the more natural form around a cup of plebeian for so excellent, for so inspirit­ punch, take notice of her jewel­ ing a theme. But I make an ry and offer casually: “My, effort, and return to steady that’s a lovely ring, did you find prose.” it in the callcannon?” Transylvania is ideal for viti­ While you’re on the subject culture because of its west­ of root vegetables, it wouldn’t ward-flowing rivers and sunny hurt to mention that the first mountainsides. Located in the jack-o-lanterns were born Tarnave region of Romania, it when the Celts carved frightful boasts 14 indigenous grapes faces into turnips to ward off and an excellent Sauvignon evil spirits as they walked Blanc. As observed an Italian home after a Druid’s bonfire; Ambassador at the court of this custom began during the King Matthew of Hungary: festival of Samhain, which “Est Transsilvania ferax omnis evolved into Halloween. If generis frugum, vini laudatissi- you’re currently experiencing a mi!” It never hurts to work a sense of foreboding not unlike little Greek mythology into a that of the murderer in “The social evening, so do remem­ Telltale Heart,” fear not-but do ber that Dionysus-that rabble- brush up on your Poe. Read on Continued on page 54

34 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e Dead Man on Campus

The Top Five Places to he Buried by Daniel S. Immerwahr s winter and Halloween come our way, it afterlife. An eternity can be painful, and no one Ais natural for our minds to turn to mortal should have to go through it without having questions. Will the end come soon, we wonder, the extreme pleasure of repeatedly tracking and what will it be like? While I have no objec­ down Louis Bonaparte and some of the other tion to philosophizing in this manner, I must more obnoxious rulers of France and giving humbly point out that we also should be think­ them all good, swift kicks to la derrière. ing about a more mundane, but nevertheless $ important question, namely, “Where am I to be buried?” Here, I suggest that we take a page A Death Concealed. If I am to indeed be dead from the book of the ancient Egyptian for an eternity, I want at least a good view. Not pharaohs, who spent most of their lives arrang­ just an exciting view, but one possessing of ing for their deaths. Such a concern is not at all grandeur, something fitting my newfound state misplaced. While we have all of the afterlife to of being. Fortunately, here Columbia can pro­ worry about the afterlife, we only have our life­ vide in spades. McKim, Mead, and White’s plan times to make sure that our burial is all that we (described by one of our History faculty as want. With this in mind, I offer a few specula­ making the campus look like “a Greco-Roman tions in this vein: the top places to be buried wedding cake”) affords the kind of imperial on the Columbia campus. vista that I would want to gaze upon for eons. And what better place to witness this scene $ from than through the eyes of Alma Mater her­ A Death Contemplative. A grassy knoll, fulfill­ self, conveniendy positioned on the central ing mankind’s desire for return to the primor­ axis? With a combination of ancient Egyptian dial garden, can happily be found on campus. and modem medical technologies, I plan to be Nor is it for this reason alone that the mummified, and tucked inside Alma’s hollow Philosophy lawn is a serious contender for the body. Oh, how I look forward to those days in best burial plot around. Its most impressive spring, when I will sit out on the steps with the feature, of course, is Rodin’s Thinker. I picture student body, relaxing in the sun. Or those myself a good six feet under, directly in front harsh days of winter, when Alma and I will, of the statue. In the case that death provides no unmoved, serve as a symbol of perseverance in respite from consciousness, I will be very well- the face of adversity. Or those days during situated for an eternity of contemplation. The spring break, when the kids from the high Thinker itself was originally associated with school journalism conference sit on my lap and the afterlife, as the icon first appeared atop the take pictures. I hope that no one spray-paints threshold of Rodin’s spectacular “Gates of poorly-spelled radical messages on me, Hell” (a pigeon-anointed casting of which can because that is no fun. be found in my home city of Philadelphia). In $ any case, it is without a doubt better suited to an afterlife of gende reflection than is the ram­ A Death Spectacular. I worry about being for­ bunctious “Bellepheron Taming Pegasus.” I gotten. It seems that no matter how prominent also look forward to my postmortal proximity my place of burial, and no matter how clearly to the Maison Française, from which I intend labeled my grave, I will be just another dead to gain, through diffusion, a fluency in French guy within only a few short years. Even famous that will come in handy during my time in the Columbians like Seth Low and Nicholas

O c t o b e r 2,000 35 Murray Butler are remembered more for their course by some angry Native Americans with a landmarks on campus than for their lives. The keen sense of irony? For the reassurance that I problem, it seems to me, is a visual one; how need, I must bury myself under the most can we expect students to remember the dead enduring structure on campus, the building when all they have to know them by is a plaque that will survive changes in style, climate, glob­ or a gravestone? To ensure that my memory al politics, etc. I want to be under a building will last, I want to be a visible part of campus that can, should Columbia be taken over by a life, not merely tucked away in some dark cor­ radical Japanese Mennonite movement, ner. Besides having my lifeless body stapled to through the sheer grace and utility of its form, the front of Dean Quigley’s jacket, it seems that serve as a self-contained argument for its own my best chance to remain on the scene is to continuing existence. I want the Pyramids, make myself part of the architecture. With this Stonehenge, the Acropolis and the Brooklyn in mind, I request that my body be preserved Bridge all rolled into one in an ecstatic essay or cryogenically frozen a la Han Solo in The on form and beauty. I want the one structure Empire Strikes Back (this must be done well, I on the Columbia campus that will outlast the want the guys who did Lenin) and fastened all the others, that will defy the demands of securely under the Lemer ramp from the sec­ time with a low rumbling cry of permanence. ond to third floor. Students walking to check In short, I want the Tin Shack. Perhaps nothing their mail will look down to see my grim vis­ more need be said on the subject. age, faintly visible through *9 the translucent glass. Perhaps I can arrange to A Death Columbian. The be frozen with my arm true child of Columbia has and index finger extend­ no real choice in the matter. ed, pointing in an accusa­ There is no burial more state­ tory manner. Even more ly to be found on campus importantly, I will become than to be cremated and to a vibrant part of the hall have one’s ashes divided itself, an icon of post­ equally between the two structuralist architecture. large urns on either side of Every time Tschumi makes the Low steps. Not only does his glory rounds of the this preserve the vital symme­ building, there I will be, a try of the McKim, Mead and constant reminder of our White design for campus, but own mortality, especially it also finds a productive use those of us who, with mis­ for those seemingly vestigial taken notions of the spirit urns. of the sixties, build ridiculously expensive The cremation itself, though, is another mat­ glass houses with money that could have been ter. While personal preference may vary, I sug­ more productively spent on student scholar­ gest having one’s body set aflame on a Friday ships, or booze for that matter. afternoon, as part of the Van Am Jam BBQ fes­ tivities, weather permitting. Not only will this give the ashes the sweet smell of veggie-burg- A Death Enduring. After a lifetime of mucking ers, but it will also provide an additional level through the trials of the contingent world, I of obnoxious and pervasive odors to assault want to be assured of some serious eternal the residents of Hartley-Livingston. shut-eye. And yet I worry. In the post-modern Accompanied by the mellifluous tones of world, can I really count on the permanence of everybody’s-second-favorite-local-cover-band, anything? Can I be assured that my burial plot my spirit will rise forth from my flaming body will not be ripped up and replaced by a golf and float freely about campus. <8>

36 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e The Story of Pranks Past by Alex Angert t had been a lucrative Halloween night. My you expect?” bag full of treats, I was on my way home “Nobody even tries anymore,” Alma sulked. Iwhen an outburst of laughing and shouting “But what can you expect?” I persisted. “A stopped me in mid-stride. I turned just in time pony in the dean’s office? A cop car on the to see a horde of ghosts and ghouls race down dome of Low?” the Low steps and disappear in the Broadway “Ingenuity!” Alma cried. crowds. Three empty egg cartons were the sole “They drown us in regulations,” I countered. relics of their hasty departure. “They take away our toasters and our Unnerved, I took a few steps forward and microwaves. How can we scheme? How can we glanced at the Alma Mater. Good God! plot? They tie up our very minds, Alma.” “Alma, what happened?” I pressed. “Copout! You mean well. But you are young “Hand me a Kleenex, will you,” Alma said, and rash of tongue. You do not know the gobs of yolk dripping off her once-proud vis­ pranksters who went before you. You do not age. sing of their courage and their wit. Sit, now, I ripped up a few paper bags and wiped the and listen closely. I shall tell you the Story of goop from her face. “Philistines,” she mum­ Pranks Past.” bled. “Barbarians.” With that, she reached into her robes and “Alma, they’re just kids. Don’t take it person­ produced a Snickers. ally,” I insisted. “It’s Halloween and they’re “Trick or treat?” I asked. only having a little fun.” “Both,” she answered and, handing me the “How unoriginal. How crass. How utterly un- candy, started to spin her tale: Columbian.” “Put yourself in the ’sixties. The campus is We shared a tense moment of silence. Was abuzz with politics. Beneath a lovey-dovey this the requiem of ingenuity? The swan song façade, rebellion is brewing. Students are of higher learning? The Ivory Towers crum­ adopting opinions, latching onto causes, bling? protesting, experimenting and loving freely. In “It’s Halloween,” I offered meekly. “What can the devil-may-care spirit of the times, a few select Columbians routinely stay on the fourth floor of Butler past closing, where—in the Burgess Carpenter Library—one of their own entertains the bunch by projecting porno flicks onto the brick wall across the street.” I let out a whistle of appreciation. “You like that? Not too long ago, a group of naughty undergraduates decided to cause a lit­ tle ruckus at the Business School. They stocked up on laxative and then used it to spike the soup at Uris Deli. The pièce de resistance was their heist of all the toilet paper from the bath­ rooms shortly before the caper went into effect. The pranksters then sat down and chuckled quietly as the helpless future busi­ ness potentates of America raced to and fro. Continued on page 53

O c t o b e r a o o o 37 MEASURE FOR MEASURE In collaboration with the Columbia Review EVENING PRAYERS “I don’t believe in you, I don’t believe in you,” I used to whisper in ritual chant when I was a kid to keep the monsters from eating me. Then for added comfort I’d ponder, “If they do exist, but I didn’t know, I’d be happy enough to let them eat me.” But I still was not comforted. I knew they did exist and NIGHT soon enough I would not. Simmers under the skin —Dave Austerweil Like thick, black tar Moving Like *•absence And sings Like the conqueror, of its own. Closes in Like a hard woolen jacket Dimming Like a secret phobia And breathes Like skin, with you. Protects me from myself Like a good son of country Teething Like a silkworm on relics And tells Like a washer woman, about the since shreds gone. Corrupts in seclusion Like sap over a tree-scar Calling Like your sovereignty And will close Like a river, things you had not said. —Gennarose Pope The Columbia Review publishes poetry, short stories, creative non-fiction and visual art in its annual magazine and features poems monthly in The B&W. Consider submitting your own work for publication. To learn more, please visit www.columbia.edu/cu/review.

38 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e BURIAL Knees bent akimbo, the eighty hold their conference in dust-dead silence on American ground. He’s a keeper, this one beside me, sprawled flat as a bedsheet by the wide-open window: winter’s come early. Now this, an assemblage of skeletons, invades our asylum; those eighty, those bones, identical as gears clasp together in a lock. They crack. Crack loudly. Loud cracks cleave through air hung tomb-dark in the space before us. The remains are absent from Mexico and the excavations. Matched, ranked supine in costume, decked with jawbones hung six-deep around spines, gruesome baubles culled from skulls in bloody battle, the bones guard an empty chamber. Their chieftain’s been looted. It’s frightening, this sameness, the chalk-colored limbs aligned at perpendiculars. We lie bent that way also, awkward and segmented beneath cool sheets: two isn’t fourscore but we’re not different for it. Under the covers our ghoulish gestures are parodies, hysterical, and the mattress is chock-full of terrors; there’s no escaping the phantasm. I’ve made room here for morbid notions. The moon is up. —Lara Weibgen

O c t o b e r 2.000 The Gothic castle has ivy walls

by Kevin Y. Kim I powers that promote him: behind Columbia’s hen former president Nicholas Murray neo-classical façade lurks a hierarchy of hells. Butler sought to explain his keen desire II Wto travel abroad in the winter of 1893, he artic­Year after year, the Office of Undergraduate ulated what would become a maxim impressed Admissions publishes an oversized magazine into every informed Columbian’s mind, that full of trivia, glowing quotes and articles, and glorious mission that made one university a breath-taking photographs of its campus and light among lesser lights. “Years of study in New York. After flipping through its pages to school,” he began his memoir, “had given me arrive at the sky-blue application neady insert­ so good an understanding and so high an ed before the back cover, one would be hard- appreciation of those springs of spiritual aspi­ pressed to find a reason not to come to ration and expression from which flowed the Columbia. Students pictured intensely gaze at fertilizing power of our Western civilization.” chalkboards and beakers overflowing with In probably less figurative but equally com­ bubbling liquid. Dorm rooms seem spacious, pelling terms, this sentiment inflames the hearts and minds of each of Columbia’s pro­ always crowded with an ethnically diverse fessors and students. The university is the group of beaming freshmen; one can go to the intellectual center of New York and, by rea­ MoMA and view “Starry Night” while simulta­ sonable extension, the world; there the next neously having a heated discussion with a pro­ generation’s best and brightest are challenged, fessor from the Art History Department ener­ even humbled, but ultimately emerge from the getically waving her hands in the air. rigors of the Core Curriculum eagerly Harmless enough in itself, the booklet in its equipped to be the nation’s newest leaders in menacing form is discerned by the more know­ politics, science, business, and arts and letters. ing who return to its updated pages several But there is a dark underground current that years after deciding to enter the school where runs serpent-like through the life of Western “the Ivy League meets the real world of the civilization, which historians, administrators, 21st century.” It is the first of many veils and university men are dreadfully familiar with Columbia’s public relations machine is to spin but speak of, if at all, in the most hushed tones over the eyes of the class of 2005. Though the and sacred of places; horrific news events, university indeed stands as one of the nation’s totalitarian politics, and films of madness are most racially progressive, its student body still grappled with at academic distances that naive­ remains socially divided along racial lines to an ly attempt to overcome them through objective astonishing degree, more often than not dis­ analyses, thought-provoking discussions, and playing not “unparalleled diversity” but an well-turned aperçus. Western civilization and “unparalleled segregation” between groups its study may be “fertilizing powers,” but they that both celebrate their uniqueness and, in are also overreaching Frankensteins shoring up Gothic fashion, silendy exclude the “illegiti­ knowledge for their own destruction, the per­ mate” children of miscegenation. The small haps unwitting creators of hate crimes, hackers, paragraph on campus security misleadingly dysfunctional families, and world war. With its affirms Columbia has one of the safest cam­ gargantuan endowment and its array of bril­ puses—here a word narrowly defined, not liant minds, the Ivory Tower cannot repulse the accounting for the plethora of sexual assaults Gothic forces beating at its gates. Dante and robberies occurring within blocks of its remains elusive but terribly relevant to the iron gates—in the country. News that matters as

4° T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e much as the richness of its athletic program who bought them drinks. Above, from some of goes disturbingly unreported in The Record, or the brownstones boys lean out, a few cat calls glossed over by the President’s facile condo­ and whistles echoing to the girls below, who lences. glance up at their admirers standing upright in Two unpublished “Facts About Columbia the night, disgusted but secretly happy. The Essential To Students,” deserve to be univer­ sounds of a party in one of the frats toward sally known: in the past 20 months, five under­ Amsterdam Avenue lure them onward; before graduates committed suicide, and one student reaching it, near the center of 114th Street was murdered; in 1996-7, more crimes were they pass the hydrant in front of Fiji, repainted reported at Columbia than in the entire CUNY purple in the fall only to be splashed with a system. The photograph of a male Asian grad­ small pailful of titanium white every night one uate student working with state-of-the-art of the brothers has deflowered a virgin. equipment recalls the story of two Chinese They decide they are too tired for another Ph.D. candidates expelled this past year on cir­ party and head for Wien. The blue lights of the cumstantial evidence, for the alleged smug­ call boxes every fifty yards look eerie, so they gling of radioactive material from a lab. The pick up their pace; one of them, an English image of an Indian undergrad avidly listening major, remembers the lines: “Reach me a gen­ to a professor is captured in the tragic story of tian, give me a torch! / let me guide myself Puneet Bhandari, which shockingly revealed with the blue, forked torch of this flower / both the unbending discipline of an imperson­ down the darker and darker stairs, where blue al academic code and the duplicitous double is darkened on blueness / even where lives students themselves often lead. Persephone goes, just now ...” Her mind flash­ Bhandari’s example—a model, compassionate es, and in her imagination they are Radcliffean student on the outside, the teller of egregious lies that nearly facilitated his admission into medical school on the inside—raises the provocative question: how many other stu­ dents have, Faust-like, traded moral integrity for self-gain in the brutally competitive world of the university? A T.A. at George Washington University who discovered that one out of six students plagiarized their entire papers in a course on information security had her find­ ings published on a site entitled “Resources for Instructors of Contemporary Civilization and Literature Humanities.” Deaf and blind to these Gothic plots and perpetrations committed both by and upon fel­ low classmates, the students frozen in the pro­ fessional, shadowless photographs continue to grin ear to ear. Ill The group of young girls huddle closer now that night has fallen; from Broadway, sirens and the angry honks of taxis send them scur­ rying along Frat Row, each smiling in remem­ brance of that night’s events—the sleek bar glowing dangerously in the dim room, the loud music, the boy in plaid from the corner

O c t o b e r a o o o heroines fleeing down a damp hallway with over ethernet connections that travel more cold air gusting from beneath each locked miles in a second than the students will their door, the hallway twisting and turning, lit at entire lives. every corner by blue torches, the sounds of Sexual predators and robbers prowl men and the city chasing their backs. At Low Columbia’s perimeter; more cunning than steps is the reassuring Alma Mater—if only she Transylvanian wolves, they wait in the shadows could find the owl hidden in her robes, turn it, for a tired student from the library to trudge and plunge with her friends into the safe home, accosting him or her with a friendly depths below . . . word, a smile, before baring their teeth. Security booths surround the campus, wards IV strategically placed by the paternal hand of the Our founders conceived of an institution that institution to keep back the forces of night, yet would not only match the academic reputation unable to move from where they are inscribed of its New England rivals, but also draw its to defend those who step lifeblood and inspiration without the campus’s from the city in which it protective ring. thrived. Students’ educa­ The university student is tions would be composed V not only of classrooms, perpetually under The university is the cor­ but also of the city’s nerstone of a trans­ music, industry, politics, surveillance formed power structure and sundry amusements. that exercises no longer Their histories are inextri­ the sovereign right to put cably intertwined; Columbia has mirrored the its subjects to death, but, in a more subtly phenomenal growth of a city that in 1754 had cruel manner, wields a power diffused into no public transportation, no professional every sphere of public and private life. No police or fire departments, and two miles of longer demanding blind obedience with the marsh between Greenwich Village and the sword, the powers-that-be, Foucault penetrat- Battery. It shares New York’s exceptional qual­ ingly understood, work to “control, monitor, ities: its creativity and vigor, heterogeneity, optimize, and organize the forces under it: a toughness, openness to new ideas and move­ power bent on generating forces, making them ments, and irreverent disregard for convention grow, and ordering them, rather than one ded­ and conformity. Columbia University in the icated to impeding them, making them submit, City of New York: the two have long coexisted or destroying them.” The university creates in a potent symbiosis. efficient machines that graduate from the fac­ Strolling down Broadway, with its photo­ tory of education into other institutions—hos­ genic stores and sidewalk cafes, one almost pitals, firms, and brokerages—that more direct­ believes in the Columbia dream. But Broadway ly contribute to the collective life of the social is Seward’s England—in the midst of a modern body. There is no escape from the system that age that looks optimistically to the future—to sucks the life out of men biologically regulated the Eastern Europe of Amsterdam Avenue. and disciplined from birth, from a system that There the night is chill and time moves at an pushes them through predetermined channels excruciating crawl in contrast to the West side’s of “success,” except for suicide: the second bustle. Taxi drivers there push harder on the leading cause of death for college-age pedal; the men standing in the streets are not Caucasian American men, and, for all students, waiting passengers, but loiterers speaking in a statistic that has increased 250% since 1946. strange tongues, kicking at the refuse scattered Here, Foucault was again prophetic: over the avenue after a day’s work in the row This determination to die, strange and yet so per­ of dilapidated laundromats and Chinese sistent and constant in its manifestations, and con­ restaurants from which students order take-out sequently so difficult to explain as being due to par­

42 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e ticular circumstances or individual accidents, was nily echo the word “Enlightenment”) is the one of the first astonishments of a society in which systematic renovation of aging residence halls, political power had assigned itself the task of some of which date as far back as the early administering life. years of Columbia’s presence on Morningside The university student is perpetually under Heights. Alfred Lerner Hall is the latest cre­ surveillance. The eyes of his parents, profes­ ation of a group of architects who are attempt­ sors, deans, and resident advisers follow him ing to do for Columbia what Hausmann did wherever he goes, whispering the importance for Paris after the revolution. The tearing down of degrees, medical schools, and clean records. of old buildings and the erection in their place Like Joseph K.’s, his life is dictated by laws and of a “modernist glass box” signify the universi­ decisions passed by a board of trustees he ty’s ultimate epistemological hubris. A student never sees or speaks to; doorkeeper after door­ center without recesses, substantial shadows, keeper blocks his path to the legislators who or dark spaces, and with an entire window for decide what subjects shall be taught, which a wall dares to affirm that there are no ghosts professors shall be hired, how many buildings haunting Columbia, that the past no longer shall be demolished. Adminstrative identi­ fiers—CUID, PIN numbers, Social Security— exerts an invisible chokehold on the present. wind a labyrinth of red tape about his fragile, Students have no fearful cause for fleeing human body. An online folder compiling his down the concrete walkways neatly paved over academic profile, degree audit report, and tran­ the grounds of what used to be a 17.5 acre script evaluates the performance that is his life, insane asylum; the news simply distorts plain distilled into numbers that forever haunt him facts to Gothic proportions. in his dreams, or, killed by his own hand, ful­ What the campus tour guides fail to mention fill Joseph K.’s dying thought: “It was as if the is that at the same time Columbia grew over shame of it must oudive him.” the century according to the eminent McKim plan, an elaborate system of underground tun­ VI nels proliferated beneath its classical surface to At the turn of another century and a millenni­ connect 19 of the campus’s buildings. Locked um, Columbia finds itself in a period of major up after the student riots of 1968 that precipi­ transition. The project to recenter the universi­ tated a general decline from which we have ty around its undergraduate liberal arts school only recently recovered (yet those students’ through architectural renovation, building, increased enrollment, faculty hirings, and grievances still resound today), infested with structural reforms shows that the administra­ rats and once rumored to be roamed by tion has its eye on a glorious future with no ghosts, the tunnels are a symbol of the univer­ conceivable end in sight. It is not the only sity’s collective unconscious, that haunted school riding on a wave of optimism into the house not even the perpetually smiling new millennium; it has become almost com­ Columbians in the Admissions book can mon knowledge in America’s households that escape. Freud had long warned us of the price undergraduate applications are annually of unchecked repression, the price in blood of breaking records across the country, even at turning a deaf ear to human trauma. As the the 94 schools in the Council for Christian tour guide’s sallow finger points to Low Colleges and Universities, where from 1990 to Library, acropolis of Columbia and New York 1996 enrollment has increased by 24 percent, City and administrative super-complex, an compared with 5 percent at private colleges invisible force pulls it—for a split-second bare­ and 4 percent at public institutions. ly perceptible to a crowd of wide-eyed parents Nowhere is this forward march more appar­ and sullen children—toward the Gothic façade ent at Columbia than in its rapidly changing of Riverside Church looming in the distance, architecture. A key goal of Enlargement and the silent witness to generations of Gothic evils Enhancement (a program whose terms uncan­ past and present.

O c t o b e r 2000 43 The wife of a neighborhood minister estab­ V olunteering at lished EHTP in 1958 as a literacy improve­ C o l u m b ia ment program. As the quality of neighbor­ hood public schools declined, concerned par­ An Opinionated Guide ents turned to EHTP to supplement their chil­ drens’ education. In response to the still prob­ s students privileged with an Ivy League lematic system of public education in East Aeducation, we sometimes forget that the Harlem, EHTP now provides one-on-one members of the communities in our area have tutoring, homework help, computer training, not been as fortunate and thus could gready youth programs and social work services gratis benefit from our assistance. In the September for its participants, half of whose families are issue of TkeB&tV, we inaugurated a new series on public assistance. Since EHTP provides of articles about community service at programs for six- to seventeen-year-olds, many Columbia with an opinionated general guide of the students who begin as children in the to volunteering. In subsequent issues, we will tutoring program continue on to EHTP’s high- be using this space to spotlight some of the er-education programs. After graduating high many personally rewarding charitable activities school, many former students return to EHTP, around campus. This month’s article features a this time as tutors themselves. volunteer tutoring organization with which the Because a sizeable number of Columbians author is intimately involved. are concerned with youth education in East Harlem, student coordinators for Columbia’s $ Community Impact work in concert with Amidst the high-rise, low-income housing EHTP to manage and recruit volunteer tutors. projects and battered storefronts lining 106th Despite the negative stereotype that low- street and 2nd Avenue, the bright blue façade income minority parents neglect their chil­ of the East Harlem Tutorial Program (EHTP) dren’s education, the waiting time to be transcends the penury of its neighborhood. On accepted into an EHTP program is upwards of any given day of the year (except for Sundays two years. Columbia volunteers are an invalu­ and holidays) the building’s steep staircase able resource to EHTP and are expeditiously and bright walls reverberate with the voices of trained and matched with a tutee. East Harlem children. The inside of this cheer­ Though well-prepared in Homeric verse, ful four-story brownstone houses most of the tutors may sometimes find teaching multiplica­ manifold programs EHTP offers to neighbor­ tion to an eleven-year old or grammar to a first hood youth, though activities such as Girl grader a formidable task. The student leaders Empowerment take place in the newly pur­ of the Columbia-EHTP program hold meet­ chased community center across the street. ings every three weeks as a forum for volun- ONLINE WORK ORDERS University You can submit maintenance work orders online through the URH web­ site. If your shelves are busted or your sink is dripping just arrhythmically Residence enough so you can’t ignore it, visit: Halls http://www.columbia.edu/cu/reshalls/maintreq.html Keep in mind the online form is for routine work only. In an emergency or any potentially dangerous situation call x42779 immediately. If you have any questions, send an email to [email protected], or the appropriate authority listed on p. 30 of this issue of The Blue and White. i

44 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e teers to discuss methods of tutoring, to vent ing more about volunteer programs in youth about difficult sessions and to commiserate education, there are numerous ways: Refer to with other tutors. EHTP requires a yearlong the Community Impact website: www.colum- commitment and tutors are encouraged to bia.edu/cu/ci or the Double Discovery Center return the following year to tutor the website: www.columbia.edu/cu/college/ddc, visit same student. CFs office in Earl Hall, or visit the DDC’s Although the first year might prove difficult, offices in Lion’s Court. —Hilary E. Feldstein EHTP tutors have found that returning for a second year greatly increases the trust between ¡s the tutoring pair and alleviates any abandon­ Plimpton Haiku ment issues the tutee might have. Every semes­ by Wynkyn de Worde ter, the coordinators organize events along with EHTP that provide Columbia students Non-smoking floor and their tutees an opportunity to interact out­ Out the window are cigarette side the learning center. The most popular butts partout alors event so far has been the spring bowling party in which Columbians invite their tutees to the A women’s college campus for a look at college life and the oppor­ Affiliated with Columbia tunity to explore a part of the city many chil­ Eighty resident men dren from East Harlem have never ventured into. Pool table in the There is still time to get involved with EHTP basement near a condom machine for the Fall semester by contacting Katharine Fifty cents, please Digman (kad55). If you are interested in learn­

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O c t o b e r 2,000 45 TOLD BETWEEN PUFFS on’t let it get around too much, but Verily more than just the same Stone Age pageant. It Veritas is an incorrigible sentimentalist should work to dissolve boundaries between Dimperialist fantasist. Verily cannot so much politicsas and entertainment, festival and thera­ take a leak like any other man, for afterwards, py. When he was a precocious child on a the soap dispenser metes out perfumes of Halloween of the late Reagan years, Verily put Arabia, and the hot tap plays about his hands on a dark suit and a gray Protestant bow-tie. like warm gentle waves on the Bay of Bengal. Then, toting a briefcase emblazoned with the To Verily, a beat-up New York hand-dryer with masking tape letters “IRS,” he set off about the a busted heating element does not blow any neighborhood demanding a levy of candy, old cold air. His wide-eyed imagination imag­ threatening no tricks, just treat garnishing. It ines it the chill gusts of the Gobi. Blinding was a great success; candy revenues were as sand and cutting wind will not stop Verily, never before. bearing a message from Bukhara along the Silk This is how Halloween can be genuine exor­ Road to the court of Karakorum. There cism. Each can satirize the troubles of himself Temujin himself, who set haystacks ablaze atop and his friends. Schoolchildren can become elephants to terrify his foes and who reduced their meanest teachers. Men can dress up as to ashes the great metropoles of Persia, shall that ex-girlfriend who ran off with a roommate to do graduate work at the USC Ashram tremble at word of a treasure forsworn for a Lysergic Acid Propulsion Laboratory. Like the love that knew no— celebrations at medieval carnival days, role “Mr. Veritas,” intones one of those sonorous reversals offer a spiritual comfort in the equa­ academic voices that seems to have gone nimity of things. The beret and turtleneck set ahead and tenured itself, “won’t you tell us a can take a break from hectic careers as little about agriculture in medieval Brabant?” Foucauldian essayists and hemp cultivators to Sloe-eyed maidens and scented viziers vanish; don sweater vests and go door to door with it is back to the gritty patrimony of pickled encyclopedias. The great securities traders of cabbage European culture. Intrigue day­ Manhattan shall wear their Italian tailoring dreams, glimpsed grandeur, and conversations inside out and parade about the poor neigh­ with ghosts old and new: these are what make borhoods of the city, selling low and buying daily life more bearable. In stolen moments high, tossing candy to all the children. away from this world, Verily prizes a star- The result of a Halloween of flip-flops can crossed love for the Princess Fatima and only be a sweeter, more fanciful world. swears upon his jeweled scimitar to stand at Someday, grimy New York will obey the lumi­ her side unto the realm of death itself. nous physics of high ’60s French musicals. It might follow, then, that each Halloween, Every action will transmit joy or its imminence. when Americans, with their cultural inheri­ Affection will be everywhere, and attraction tance from that little coal dust continent, try will be inevitable, like Gene Kelly and their hand at imagination, Verily is disappoint­ Frangoise Dorleac falling for each other over ed. Halloween is too often a stale affair of the four lines of dialogue and a good marble European boogeyman aesthetic. Witches, dev­ dance floor. Clothes will all be pastels. Walking ils, goblins: the old barbarians dreaded that will give way to strolling, and strolling will give such as these lurked in the forest night, and way to spontaneous cartwheels. The solemn they passed the time nursing fretfully at their ceremonies of life shall be vibrant and gay. pickled cabbage and devising Saxon pet names Soon, Verily won’t be the only one to discuss for each other, like “Dagmar-Ulrikechen” and Zoroastrian rituals of cleansing in bull’s urine “My Little Potato Salad Dumpling With and undergraduate fascism at job interviews! Horseradish.” This is Verily’s Halloween vision. Go forth, and Verily Veritas asks that All Hallow’s Eve be make it real. —Verily Veritas

4 6 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e CURIO COLUMBIANA ulled from the shelves of the withdrawn books ner, he looks for her in every woman he meets. ofButler Library. The punctuation, underlin­ He must find Brooke again. Cing and varying ellipsis usage, reproduced with“Turn to the beginning, and start turning. care below, speak (of their) volumes: Begin the most thrilling, romantic, and irre­ $ sistible novel in years . . . ALWAYS. There is only one love, and it is for always.” Signed in A Daring Coiffeur: Reflections on ‘War and lavish script by one ‘Carmen China Diaz,’ and Peace’and Anna Karenina’by Elizabeth Gunn, with an endplate advertisement for Graham Chatto & Windus 1971, originally from the Greene’s The Human Factor. Elmer Holmes Bobst Library, New York Congressional Careers: Contours of Life in the University U.S. House of Representatives, Lustre, by John Maccabee, Pocket Books by John R. 1988: Hibbing, The University of North Carolina “Sweeping from New York’s high society to Press 1991: “To Anne / for everything.” Tahiti, Ceylon, the steamy bazaars and opulent Women and Education, published by The palaces of Bombay, and the glory of hn de siè­ Women For Women Research And Study cle Paris, LUSTRE enthralls to the last, exotic Group, 8/5, Lamatia, Block-A, Dacca, page.” Bangladesh, 1978. Price: Taka 15/00; property René Ghil: Eine Analyse seiner Dichtungen und of the Ford Foundation Bangladesh. theoretischen Schriften; Lnaugural-Dissertation David Weiss Halivni’s Midrash, Mishnah, and zur Erlangung des Doktorgrades einer Hohen Gemara: The Jewish Predilection for Justified Law, Philosophischen Fakultät der Eberhard-karls- Harvard University Press, 1986. Universität zu Tübingen, Tübingen 1965. Judith Michael’s Possessions, two months on Gesundheit! the Times bestseller list, Pocket Books, 1984: Trevor Meldal-Johnsen’s Always, Avon Books “From San Francisco to Paris to the Cote 1978: d’Azur, Katherine tastes the romance and ele­ “A beautiful forties movie star. A screenwriter gance of a world she had never dreamed pos­ in modern Los Angeles. Why would the vision sible. Torn by conflicting loyalties, not know­ of a long-dead actress cause him to weep like ing if her husband will ever return, she con­ a child? Suddenly he knew he would have to fronts her future . . . whether to cling to her find out more about her. At glittering past, or to plunge into a richly exciting new Hollywood parties, on the beach, on every cor­ life, and a deep, passionate new love.” ®

ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE 101 Cardboard is as cardboard does. The same goes for paper, glass, plastic and alu­ minum. Trash should be put into the appropriate recycling bin and boxes should be placed by the trash cans, not strewn about the hall. There’s a hole measuring one square mile in the polar ice caps. Was your Coke can in the wrong bin? Recycle! University Residence Halls

O c t o b e r 2 0 0 0 4 7 Continued from page 29 branches was bridged by the opportunity in organized Contemporary Civilization and they their third year to take any first-year graduate took on the fight with its opponents wherever course and count it toward the B.A. found. In general, the objection was not to the In 1922 the survey given in Contemporary new course itself, but to assigning as teachers Civilization was supplemented by a second those at the instructor rank. These young men required year—C.C. (B)—that explained the were doctoral candidates who were supposed nature and the ways of economics, sociology, to be writing their dissertations. Now they anthropology, and psychology. As a result, a would be expected to learn a good deal that student who emerged from the two C.C.’s with was “outside their field” while carrying a heavy a passing mark was capable of following with schedule: two sections of C.C. and a third profit a specific course in any of the seven “sci­ course—fourteen hours a week; it would be ences of man in society.” (and was) grueling. The students benefited In history, the course most likely to be cho­ from the small sections and from their men­ sen first was Carlton Hayes’s offering of the tor’s freshly acquired knowledge, but the year in Modern European History. He varied instructor was delayed in his progress toward the span from time to time, which often made the degree. it possible to take a second course with him For him, too, the geographical division of the the following year. Everybody knew that he department was unfortunate. It deprived the was an enthralling lecturer. As he strode back young scholar of daily contact with his sea­ and forth behind the wide counter of the large soned elders, and these had no chance to lecture room, he conveyed the drama of some guide or judge the work of the juniors. In decisive moment in the French Revolution or more than one instance, a senior member, vot­ that of Bismarck’s triumph when proclaiming ing on promotions, confused the identities of Germany an empire. It was not bombast but two juniors until his retirement and beyond. history felt as well as recalled. Hayes’s style The annual dinner (black tie) of the entire had been abundantly sampled in C.C. through group, friendly enough, did not erase miscon­ the assigned readings from his two-volume ceptions. Political and Social History of Europe, the For the College students, the gap between leading textbook throughout the country. In 1934 Hayes reworked it into a Political and Cultural History of corresponding scope. An alternative was to sign up for Parker T. Moon’s course on International Relations, also varied in span, but most attractive when it was entitled Imperialism and World Politics and covered the years 1870-1914. The causes of the Great War (as it was then called) were an inexhaustible topic in the profession and not less so among serious students. Moon also lec­ tured out of abundant knowledge and with flamboyance when suitable. A graduate course was given in two lectures a week, followed by a third hour with an assistant for discussion, quizzes, and a term paper. Parker Moon quite often took the third hour himself and was uncommonly kind to the overawed youngsters who asked questions, mispronounced proper names, and did deep “research” in prewar diplomacy. His early death was an irreparable loss to them and the department.

4 8 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e Close to these two luminaries was the com­ tion was the start of the Great Books move­ ing man, Edward Mead Earle. He also taught ment and the cause of the continuing debate European diplomatic history, with a strong about “the canon” of Western classics. economic component. His recent dissertation Since as a collection these great works disre­ on the Berlin to Baghdad Railway had been gard the academic cutting up of thought into published as a regular trade book, a stunning subjects, taking General Honors was really to event in the eyes of mere students and proof of fulfill the demands of the New Historians for his capacity. Earle’s bright prospects were soon an ecumenical outlook on the past. The read­ dimmed by the onset of tuberculosis. After a ing list for Honors took the student from long recovery in Saranac, he was appointed the Homer to William James, the encounters along first head of the history section in the new the way being with Thomas Aquinas, Institute for Advanced Studies at Princeton. Machiavelli, Hobbes, Locke, Rousseau, A Columbia undergraduate’s program in his Voltaire, and J. S. Mill, among others. This last two years might show a straightforward “mini-canon” varied according to the prefer­ concentration or “major,” but owing to the C.C. ences of the two instructors of each small spirit, the requirement was broadly interpret­ group. Every book must be read in one week ed. Advanced courses in economics, sociology, and well enough to outfit the student with or anthropology were not alien subjects for a ideas for two hours of conversational discus­ history major. And then there was General sion. Honors. This was the two-year sequence creat­ ed by John Erskine, of the English Department, on a suggestion by George For the continuation of this essay, please visit Edward Woodberry. It was designed to give a h ttp ://www. Columbia, edu/cu/alumni./ selected group of students the chance to read magazine/legacies/history/barzunl.html whole books instead of snippets. This innova­

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O c t o b e r 2 0 0 0 4 9 LECTURE NOTES Jazz and Spirituality. Bessie Smith and Louis Armstrong albums Part of the “Come Sunday" Jazz Lecture Series. under their beds and listen to them in secret. September 22, 2000 Even the socially progressive Rev. Dr. Martin hat comes to mind when you think of Luther King Jr. loved jazz, but not on Sunday jazz? Do you think to those late nights at mornings. dimly lit, smoke-filled clubs where the medita­Jazz’s bad name was not enough to deter tiveW sounds of the saxophone, trumpet, and good Christians from sinning. However, once drums induce as much ebriosity as the drinks? religious African-Americans realized that their Do you fantasize about the carousals of the disapproval of jazz in the church mirrored 1920s, during which defiant Americans their struggle for acceptance and equality in rebelled against Prohibition and jazz burst on America, they decided to include it in their ser­ the underground scene? Do you think of mons. In fact, much of jazz’s beginnings came church? The Center for Jazz Studies’ lecture at precisely from the church. Aretha Franklin per­ St. Paul’s Chapel entitled “Come Sunday: Jazz, formed with her father, Minister C. L. Franklin, the Church, and Spirituality,” discussed the in his gospel programs throughout the U.S. overlooked and formerly antithetical relation­ John Coltrane grew up with his grandfather ship between jazz and religion. Rev. Walter and played the clarinet in Rev. The evening’s Steele’s Community Band at age speakers included 13. Even Billie Holiday, a director of devout heroin addict, was given Columbia's Center to singing jazzy renditions of for Jazz Studies “God Bless the Child.” Robert O’Meally, Many jazz musicians are reli­ Riverside Church’s gious: however, there is a deep­ Reverend James er connection between the Forbes Jr., and the music and the church. Reverend Dwight Improvisation, the idiosyncrasy Andrews of the First that separates jazz from all Congregational other music genres, is what Church of Atlanta. makes jazz spiritual. Dubbed Acclaimed jazz “divine inspiration” by the pianist Cyrus evening’s speakers, this afflatus Chestnut concluded also graces gospel churches the presentation throughout the country and with a lively per­ inspires clergy to preach their formance. messages with spontaneity and Jazz’s previously eccentricity. Rev. Dr. Forbes peccable reputation demonstrated by reciting some reaches back to its African-American roots in of his verse: “Release your song, says the spir­ the early part of the 20th century, when it was it to me. Be free, be free, it’s jubilee.” known as the “devil’s own worship music.” Rev. Cyrus Chestnut, inspired by the altar and the Dr. Forbes frequented a church that prohibited nightclub, ended the evening with a sublime adding jazz to its gospel, proclaiming a moral set that included jazz interpretations of such divide between the Lord’s music and the religious songs as “Amazing Grace” and “Holy, devil’s music. Senior members of Rev. Dr. Holy, Holy.” Chestnut attributes his brilliant Andrews’s congregation were so ashamed of variations on these pieces to divine inspiration. their “jazzophilia" that they used to hide their This would explain his uncanny talent to hit twenty keys at once. #

5 0 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e Continued from page 33 for lack of nasty, urban stresses. relying solely on accomplishments, They got right down to leveling to weasel naming of the building the site, and blithely reveling in his honor—ah how chilling! in Bloomingdale’s obliteration Now listen, Reader, to the list, for Columbia’s transfiguration. enabling this treacherous trick: They did, however, save two structures— a smallish lodge I’ll speak of later, ’Spite chronic bouts of lawyery, and a house from Eighteen-eighty-six Livingston lived most morally. built extra well for special patients A grad of Seventeen-sixty-five, who had the means to pay the fee a youthful firebrand, quite alive, to pass their stay luxuriously. he often hung with friend John Jay This domicile was adopted (who would become a dorm some day). by architects who wisely opted He served with pride and manner gentle to leave it standing as it was, in the famous Congress Continental; while ’round it the new campus rose. the Declaration of Independence And so for years this house embraced still brightly glows from his resplendence. the bon instruction of française. And if all this fails to impress, I shan’t neglect to further stress, In Nineteen-thirty-five, it was his quite prodigious resolution renamed Alumni House because to sign the U.S. Constitution. it sounded so much better than, say, calling it the loony bin. His name’s attached to documents, (A press release that morning crowed but surely he must still resent about the “idiots’ abode”— the loss of such a dorm as this, why yes, quite unbelievably when Hartley so got to keep his! CU was not always PC). This name, however, proved too dull But Livingston come back to haunt so when a Mister Temple Buelle is not the worst this school has got. offered five million for the study Oh, listen Reader, if you’re able of architecture, all were ready to revelations really awful: to tack his name onto the house, not thinking that this just might rouse Built for the “wretched maniac," the spirits of the privileged few to help prevent “waste and collapse” whose stay at Bloomingdale was blue- from greatest “agonies of mind,” imposed perhaps by fine relations the mad were once right here confined. with lots of dough, but little patience Yes, our dear campus now does stand for such romantic ramblings— on Bloomingdale Asylum’s land! expressing quite eccentric things— as might escape the wanton lips But shudder not, it was progressive of family members losing grips. in treatments and curative methods. Victorian propriety Just mind the institution barred could dictate that they ought to be, all drugs and chains within its yard. oh, tucked away a year or two (Yes, this asylum must predate and hidden from the public view. the opening of West End Gate.) These pampered patients might have been, in actuality, quite sane! ’Twas bought in Eighteen-ninety-two Forgotten, common prisoners, by profs quite sick of midtown’s zoo. this Halloween, their ghosts will stir The spot was picked, a deed confesses, to strip the pretty name of Buelle, concealing confinement cruel!

O c t o b e r 2 0 0 0 51 Columbia cast offyour fetters! Ah, now we’ve reached the final story The only hindrance to all-out fun? of our enshrouded history. No ladies sans their chaperones! By far the most grossly abhorrent, the weak will surely not endure it! Ironically, this brand new building was criticized by students clinging Yes, worst of all such violations to neoclassical traditions, is Lerner Center’s occupation who, none too thrilled with this transition, of sacred, haunted, ghostly ground called Ferris Booth just outright heinous— where strange occurrences abound. no columns, architraves, or friezes? (Yes, this explains the bluish lighting, And yet, with time, these too were swayed the talking lift—so very frightening!) by tasty burgers ready-made. Until the year of Nineteen-sixty, This fine construction lasted till the oldest building in our vicinity three decades took a heavy toll. was known as Old Gatekeeper’s Lodge. Then up stepped Mister Alfred Lerner, This smallish, commonplace garage alumni banking officer, ’twas built in Eighteen-seventy-nine, quite fond of projects that amass providing a portentous sign: great quantities of plexiglass. the imminent futurity of Columbia security. (And here a moment I digress, Dear Reader, it may interest your vivid sense of all that’s spooky, to know administrators kooky designed Ferris Booth’s cornerstone with relic box— contents unknown! Dear Reader, it’s my proposition this very stone is still positioned quite deep within the heart of Lerner, and so we’re left to muse and wonder. What body part could there be shrouded? What role of Booth and Lerner touted? The answer doth myself o’ercome: It is a modernist’s sore thumb!) So after years of keeping gate, one may imagine how irate Of all these buildings, Lerner’s karma was Old Gatekeeper, trusty sentry, is possibly the most alarming. who hindered any wrongful entry. It is my hunch we must beware This ever watchful, kindly man, of so irate a Gatekeeper. was eased of post, evicted, then, So if, at midnight, you avail upon the heartless campus loosed quite often to go check your mail, to clear the ground for Ferris Booth. should ghoulish finger, green and cold, tap soft upon your shoulder bone, Designed to complement the glamour, do not turn round lest meet you must of Carmen Hall, this Citizens’ Center this dread phantasm with skin of dust was meant to be a student’s dream, and yellowed eyes, complexion pale, where entertainment reigned supreme— his arm outstretched towards yon turnstile, a basement housing rifle ranges, his rusty keys thrust forth in vain: some tasty snacks and dining changes, “Excuse me child, do swipe me in.” six bowling alleys with pinsetters.

52 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e $ Continued from page 37 And thus, my friends, our history “But wait—there was a wittier prank just last is laid before us verily— year! A current student infiltrated a tour group a somber tale of usurpations, strolling across campus and, pretending to be unjust renamings, violations an enthusiastic pre-frosh, quickly earned their of men most meritorious love and trust. Asking questions and pointing whose deeds were pure and glorious, out landmarks with the best of them, she pre­ the prides of Old Columbia tended not to notice the two burly men (her sold out for greater money—Ah! friends) who jumped out as the group neared Do heed this humble poet’s warning! some bushes. Suddenly, one of the men Prepare for supernatural stirrings! grabbed her, slung her over his shoulder, And if, come this All Hallow E’en yelled to the other, ‘Yeah, we finally got one,’ the phantoms rise under foundations and raced off as she screamed bloody murder. of halls intended for preserving The students later returned to explain every­ prestige eternal of souls deserving, thing the petrified tour group, reassuring them run swift should floorboards ’neath you cry, that this sort of thing does not normally hap­ Damnatio Memoriae! pen in Columbia.” “I heard something about chickens in the (I promise to be quite concise Butler Reading Room a few years back,” I said. with one last piece of sage advice: “Another quality performance,” mused Mrs. Do try your hardest to avoid Mater. “You see, here is something most peo­ the use of names that when employed ple do not understand. A prank does not nec­ the ghosts are likely to resent, essarily take Machiavellian cunning or decades to scratch their eyeballs with torment. of planning. Nor does it take extravagant For instance, do not lightly say, amounts of time or money. It does, however, “I’m off to Lerner for the day!” require a smidgen of originality.” or “The Gordita Beef Supreme “Amen,” I said and started my way down the awaits my company at Wien.” stairs. The night was getting too cold for my Restrain your tongue lest it slip out Woody Allen costume. ’bout rendezvous at the French House. “Wait!” Alma Mater called as I stepped onto Oh! Live and learn and freely frolic! college walk. But do these things away from Wallach!) ® “Yes, Alma?” I said. “Tell them to make me proud.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her wink B&W S eek s W eb E dito r mischievously. If you are interested, please send an email “Of course,” I said. “I will.” # message to [email protected].

THE HEAT IS ON Heat will be on in University Residence Halls from 1 October to 31 May. (See p. 30 for details) If you think you need a space heater, you are most likely wrong. If you do get cold feet, despite the avereage temperature between 60°F and 68°F, depending on the time of day and outside temp, you may call 4- 2779 and request that a space heater be installed at no cost. University Residence Halls

O c t o b e r 2 0 0 0 5 3 Continued from page 34 By now your enthralled and salivating com­ rouser of the Bacchae— is thought to have been rades will have set aside their chips ’n dip- born in the Romanian province of Thrace. In dumbfounded that they have hitherto over­ fact, a Romanian king of the first century BC looked Transylvanian cuisine. “So exotic! How ordered the vineyards of his kingdom wonderfully ethnic!” they may exclaim, and destroyed in order to keep out invaders who then proceed to probe your seemingly infinite were a bit too fond of his quality produce. knowledge of the subject. At this point you’re Now, a warning: until recently Transylvanian obliged to give them just a bit more informa­ wine was little-known, even among Manhattan tion on how to explore Transylvanian food and oenologists. As you expound its virtues to your drink for themselves. Drawing the circle rapt audience, be prepared to find yourself in toward yourself, whisper “Transylvania is the position of that frustrated king-warding Europe’s best-kept secret . . . and it has so off a rush of New Yorkers seeking exclusivity, much history!” Set them ashivering with the the thrill of being the first in the building to story of the real Dracula: Vlad the Impaler. The add a bottle of Transylvania’s best to their cel­ 15th century ruler loved making shish-kabobs lars. Be sure to pass along Charles Boner’s of his enemies; not only was it a slow, tortur­ advice with regard to the wine trade: “ready ous way to die, but it allowed him to display money, in a country like Transylvania, where their bodies all around his city. As a final flour­ cash is one of the greatest rarities, will go a ish, you can mention that when he was killed great way and accomplish much.” fighting in 1476, his head was sent to The Halloween gourmand must eat. When Constantinople and displayed on a stake. But the circle of guests around you has grown suf­ do be careful: Vlad is a Romanian national ficiently impressive in circumference, you hero for defending his kingdom against the should take the opportunity to cut short your Turks. Donning your “travel advisor” hat, be discourse on Dracula-related viticulture sure to let everyone know that should they and-apologetically-move on to cuisine. New decide to spend their winter holidays in initiates into the world of Transylvanian wine Transylvania, they can even stay at the Hotel are likely to be even less familiar with the Castle Dracula, “the ultimate destination not region’s traditional dishes-like balmus, or balls only for Dracula fans but for anyone seeking of mamaliga stuffed with the cheese of ewes the solitude, tranquility and romance of and baked in the oven. Mamaliga? Simply a Transylvania at its best.” Or so says the polenta of maize flour, a real staple in the rugged Carpathian mountains where you’ll Transylvanian tourism authority, which offers find Dracula’s castle. Fortunately for you, those one more enticement: “and yes, in the autumn who know nothing of Transylvanian cuisine and winter the night air is filled with the chill­ are even less likely to know anything about ing howls of the wolves!” Transylvanian pronunciation-so don’t be It seems we’ve deviated a bit from our pri­ inhibited! Should you be among vegetarians mary subject, but after extolling the virtues of and want to appear sensitive to their needs, be Transylvanian food and wine it’s only fair that sure to mention ghiveciu, a mixed vegetable you tell your audience how to sample these stew; and salate de vinete, a medley of smoked delights for themselves. By the conclusion of aubergines, onions, and mayonnaise. Clearly, the evening, everyone will know that at next Dracula did not dine on blood alone. Who year’s Halloween festivities they should expect would stick to a liquid diet when he could some more authentic fare: perhaps a callcan- feast on sarmale, soured cabbage or vine leaves non, some balmus, or a glass of Dracula’s stuffed with meat, rice, herbs, and sour cream. favorite golden mediaschi wine. There is a time If you remember only one name, make it this and a place for popcorn and candy, but not one-it’s a classic and often served at celebra­ when the holiday has such an illustrious culi­ tions. nary history. Still, you should thank the hostess on the way out. —Pontius Palate

54 T h e B l u e a n d W h i t e CAMPUS GOSSIP ccording to a January 29, 1950 article in BOHEMIAN FOR POLEMICISTS: Lesson A The Herald Tribune, a once popular legend One: The phrase “primitive and abhorrent” can held that ghosts roamed the passages of roughly be translated into Bohemian as prvot- Columbia’s notorious underground tunnel sys­ nf i odporni. Practice saying this aloud, first in a tem at night. Since the riots of 1968, tunnels at conversational manner, and then in a tone of strategic points within the system have been utter contempt. Helpful Hint: the word prvotni closed off for security purposes. Yet The Blue should roll off the tongue in a lilting manner, and White has cause to wonder: what dreadful as contrasted with the grave tone of odporni. secrets and Bacchanalian rites is the University Other helpful words: Mezinarodni (interna­ hiding from us? And what compelling reason is tional) ; napnuti (tension); preslice (rock). there to forbid legions of Columbia students in For lessons 2-29, please send $5 to Daniel & shorts from traipsing their way to class through Mariel’s Language Learning Center, 4th Floor the tunnels on a snowy day? The tunnels Morris A. Schapiro Hall, New York, NY 10027. belong to the people! Open the tunnels! While reading Josephus’ Against Apion, a “Frank came home for his much-overdue fur­ polemic against the rabble-rousing fourth cen­ lough, and landed in August 1901, a budding tury Alexandrian Homeric scholar, Prof. Yosef monk. He was far from well, his nerves were H. Yerushalmi recently showed his “Anti- overwrought, and the doctors at once insisted Judaism and Anti-Semitism” class how to on his smoking.” bring an ancient manuscript back to life. —Frank Bishop of Zanzibar: The Life of Frank Josephus quotes Apion’s account of the Mfiston, by H. Maynard Smith, p. 41. Greek emperor Antiochus Epiphanes’ desecra­ $ tion of the Temple. We listen in: COMPACT DISKS NEW USED BOUGHT SOLD

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O c t o b e r 2 0 0 0 55

Student: “Antiochus class by performing a found in the temple a CAMPUS GOSSIP pirouette. Later, he couch, on which a man continued from the inside slipped into a psychadel- was reclining, with a ic, other-worldly inter­ table before him laden with a banquet of fish pretive dance on protein structure. of the sea, beasts of the earth, and birds of the The laboratory of the distinguished physician air, at which the poor fellow was gazing in stu­ Dr. Paul B. Rothman recently implemented an pefaction. The king’s entry was instantly hailed ingenious new policy for graduate students by him with adoration, as about to procure . . . who habitually show up late to lab meetings. Yerushalmi: “Stop! So, Antiochus enters the Offending students are required to recom­ temple and what does he find? ZABAR’S!” pense their colleagues with one six pack of the Student (flustered) continues: “Thereupon, finest port lager for every five minutes that with sighs and tears, the man, in a pitiful tone, they are late. The said beer is then kept in Dr. told the tale of his distress. He said that he was Rothman’s office for safe keeping until the said a Greek and that, while traveling about the graduate students liberate it after work on province for his livelihood, he was suddenly Fridays, or until the next lab party, whichever kidnapped ...” comes first. Yerushalmi (interrupting): “KIDNAPPED! . . . $ keep reading. . .” Student: “. . . by men of a foreign race and Notice in Plimpton dorm-rooms: conveyed to the temple. . .” “You are in a non-combustible (fire proof) (NB: This account of an ancient Jewish plot to building.” annually “kidnap a Greek, fatten him up for a How wondrous, ladies! Now you can leave year, and then convey him to the woods, where they your flame-retardant bath-robes at home and slew him, sacrificed his body with their customary snuggle up to Mr. Right without fear. ritual, partook of his flesh, and while immolating $ the Greek, swore an oath ofhostility to the Greeks ” From Denzinger’s “The Sources of Catholic is not entirely based on fact). Dogma ” at number 447 on page 178: The Matter of Baptism. From the letter “Cum, From our trusted source at the library: On sicut ex” (written by Pope Gregory IX) to unlocking the Butler stacks in the morning, the Sigurd, Archbishop of Nidaros, July 8, 1241. library staff occasionally comes across inhabi­ “Since, as we have learned from your report, tants, coffee in hand, casually reading the it sometimes happens, because of the scarcity newspaper of that same morning. Our source of water, that infants of your lands are baptized also notes that “there are several scatological IN BEER, we reply to you in the tenor of those stories I could also tell re: Butler, but these I’ll present that, since according to evangelical save as they’re more disgusting than interest­ doctrine it is necessary ‘to be reborn from ing.” water and the Holy Spirit’ [John 3:5], they are not to be considered rightly bap- tized who are baptized IN BEER.” Amidst the very serious bio- A y * medical research at the College M l of Physicians and Surgeons, m l Sign on the fence of South there are occasionally light l[ Lawn: moments. 11 PLEASE HELP US KEEP Distinguished AIDS SOUTH FIELD GREEN. NO researcher and recent University CLEATS. LOW IMPACT Lecturer Dr. Wayne A. ^ SPORTS ONLY . . . (E.G. FRIS­ Hendrickson recently demonstrated BEE, HACKY-SACK, BALL TOSS­ the helical nature of DNA for his lecture ING, DUCK-DUCK-GOOSE). «

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