The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper issue 1049 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 6 FEBRUARY 2003 free

DON’T FORGET!! GU2 are broad- casting on ignites for UniS 107.3fm until 18.02. Why not have a look at the schedule and see what entrepreneurs you fancy? | page 19 FUSE, OR FEDERAL University of Surrey BY ANDY BLAIR ALL ABOUT THE Entrepreneurs, launches this coming week MARKETING & STUDENT GOLDEN SCREEN and is the first joint amenity for students SERVICES MGR. USSU Another two pages run under federal banner. Led by The of film for you as University of Surrey Students’ Union and UniSdirect (at Surrey) and Roehampton University. Irrespective barearts takes a Students’ Union and Roehampton Direct (at of what your interest is in look at Catch Me If Roehampton), it heralds a new avenue for becoming an entrepreneur You Can and About students to access the best the federation has – if you have an interest, Schmidt (right) with to offer in supporting students who have an chances are that FUSE Jack Nicholson | entrepreneurial streak. will be able to provide pages 11 & 12 The idea behind the amenity is for FUSE to avenues through which to act as a conduit through which students can move your ideas towards access training, information and experienced reality. IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER advice on all aspects of setting themselves During the course up as entrepreneurs. of the academic year, The accommodation issue Whether a student is interested in the FUSE aims to provide Above: Colin Howard, the Dean of Students, finds himself locked in the specifics of becoming a sole trader, buying information about activities centre in order to raise money for RAG. See the article below. Ths situation as it stands for returning final a company off the shelf, writing business entrepreneurship through years and off-campus accommodation next plans or finding investment capital to get the student media, semester News | pages 2 an idea off the ground – FUSE brings individual information packs that will followed by three more special sessions run Letters to the editor together students and staff across the become available across the campuses and by Scott Farmer (DAVE) and Professor David Reaction to the first two week’s editions: federation during the course of the academic through its developing website. Kirby (UniSdirect). These take place on the someone wasn’t very happy with the spoof year to open doors into the world of ‘the Social events will also be organised Tuesday 4th March, Tuesday 11th March headline about Saddam | page 4 entrepreneur’. during the course of the year for student and Tuesday 25th March. Federal University of Surrey Entrepreneurs entrepreneurs to meet with people from In order to express your interest, you need to Careers for everyone is open to anyone from any background on the local business community and also to visit the website www.federalsurrey.ac.uk/ Dr Russ responds to an article concerning any academic course across the Federal attend seminars run by individuals that fuse (available from Wednesday 12th Feb) the lack of materials available for arts and have successfully become entrepreneurs and sign up to the mailing list for more music students Opinion | page 8 themselves. information. Alternatively, students can sign Along with the social events, seminars up to the FUSE sessions in conjunction with barearts in diversity shocker and information resources that will be the id | DAVE programme in sessions folder An interview with The D4. Also, standy-by made available, FUSE will also be offering at the Students’ Union reception or pick up tickets for the Lion King musical in London specially written one off training sessions an info leaflet. For an informal chat, or to and theatre previews barearts | page 17 through the ID Programme (see middle become directly involved with FUSE, pop pages). The first FUSE Taster Session will into the Students’ Union and see Andy Blair The art of ironed boxer-shorts run on Tuesday 18th February and will be for a chat. Xan Phillips says that having ironed boxer- shorts is much more than comfortable sit- ting arrangments Lifestyle | page 22 Women’s football still winning £596 raised by RAG auction Two match reports from the women’s foot- ball team as they find they don’t know what BY RICHARD WATTS other young girls later on in the evening and the word “lose” means Sport | page 24 said they planned to “have them dress in THE RAG HUMAN auction held in Chancel- French maids outfits and serve them drinks lor’s on Tuesday raised a whopping £596 for all night in the Union.” With the Chancel- charity, making it one of the most successful lor’s Challenge RAG special and the Victo- human auctions in recent history. Twenty rian RAG raid to some later this week, it is slaves were sold off in total as a packed bar looking increasingly likely that this year’s relished the prospect of having humans to RAG could set a new precedent for fund- do virtually anything for them in the name raising and re-establish RAG as a special of charity. part of the year for students and staff alike. The biggest bid of the night was by a cou- A big thank you to all of those who put ple of young gentlemen for the purchase of themselves up for auction, to those who bid- three young ladies, notching £70 in one foul ded and especially to the RAG committee of swoop. These same men also ‘bought’ two Cathy, Sam, Alli and Charlotte. 2 NEWS 6 February 2003 Accommodation talks as students mount up

BY RICHARD WATTS can back that up - we might be able to speed up your chance of a room.” This can only THE ACCOMMODATION OFFICE are gearing up happen in certain circumstances, though. for what promises to be another difficult In order to help with the numerous year trying to find rooms both on and off difficulties students face trying to campus for students requiring them next find off-campus accommodation, the academic year. Even with the prospect accommodation office will be releasing a of over 200 extra rooms for postgraduate list of available housing on Monday, 3rd students in the temporarily named “Bank” March. A special free newspaper will be residences by UniSport, only 250 current made available from all Court Receptions placement students are guaranteed a place and the accommodation office containing on campus next year. information for students about how to find Speaking last week to President of the and secure a place to live, along with the Students’ Union, Paul Wright, and the current lists of houses and rooms, including Welfare Officer, Toni Borneo, the head of University Managed houses. After 3rd accommodation, Richard Paxton, clarified March, the most up to date houses and the current procedure for placing students rooms will be found on the campus web who are on placement. The 250 guaranteed site, which is only accessible from terminals places will go to those whose work address inside the University and from the bulletin UniS applications up 15.9% postcodes are the furthest away from board on the Union’s website. Lists will also Guildford. For any students who are not on be available to view on the accommodation THE UNIVERSITY OF Surrey have announced BY SARAH BUTTERWORTH this original list of 250, there will be a ballot office notice boards. that Undergraduate applications for EDITOR in which the first 100 people chosen will For students who have not rented private- admission in September 2003 are up by also be given rooms. Due to the expected sector housing before, the accommodation 15.9%. The national increase in University University of Surrey could be attributed demand, however, there is only a small office will be providing introductory applications this year is 4.9%. The most to the University’s currently graduate possibility that a student will find a room talks about off-campus houses. These are noticeable increases have been in subject employment record. Statistics show that in this manner. Any students who do not scheduled to take place on Wednesday 19th areas such as Law, Business Management, a mere 0.9% or Surrey graduates are receive a room following the ballot will then February 2003 at 1pm in Lecture Theatre Psychology with Sociology, Electronic unemployed six months after graduation, as be placed on to a waiting list. G and Thursday 27th February 2003 at Engineering, Music, Child Nursing and opposed to the national average of 5.3%. Toni Borneo has been invited by the 6.00pm in Lecture Theatre G. They also Chemistry. In common with other Universities around accommodation office to the ballot to advise students to spend time asking friends This seems to indicate a degree of success the country, Surrey is also experiencing ensure that everything is done fairly. Her who already live off-campus about securing for the government’s widening participation a significant increase in applications for advice, though, is to try to and find other places to live and recommend deciding on scheme, and is a continuation of the trend taught Postgraduate programmes. Whether arrangements because “there just aren’t a group of friends before approaching the for more and more school leavers to apply these increases will translate into more enough rooms.” Commenting on hardship landlord. to University. Living in an age where places being offered on both Undergraduate cases, Ms Borneo said: “If you are on the education now costs a significant amount of and Postgraduate courses at Surrey remains waiting list and you are desperate for a Toni Borneo: [email protected] money, the increasing popularity of the to be seen. campus room for hardship reasons - and you www.ussu.co.uk

University housing board http://www.mis.surrey.ac.uk/misweb/accomm/home.htm

Don’t be afraid of USSU student survey the big bad wolf hopes to gauge public opinion IF YOU SEE any large dogs walking around campus, do not be alarmed. Police dogs and BY CLAIRE ILES their handlers from the local constabulary will be carrying out training exercises in and OVER THE NEXT fortnight, market research around campus to help train sniffer-dogs in will be carried out across campus, covering their duties. The training will take place at various aspects of the services provided various times throughout the day and will and university life. It will include Bars take place for an unknown period of time. & Catering, Students’ Union services, If one of the dogs does come and sit by you, University events and the facilities available please do not be alarmed - the trainers will in the halls of residence. Not only will not be performing any arrests since it will the results be analysed and the appropriate simply be a training exercise. changes implemented across the University to meet the students’ needs, but 10 lucky respondents will also be selected at random and will receive free tickets to a Sparkle event at the Students’ Union on Monday nights. Members of the marketing team, Claire Iles and Kay Merritt, will be collecting data from 400 students and would therefore greatly appreciate 5 minutes of your time to complete this worthwhile questionnaire. 6 February 2003 OPINION 3 What do we actually get for the cost of an education? Perhaps university lecturers prefer a glass of cheap wine and research to the hassle they get from students

SO MUCH OF the focus on the topic of recruiters - on such days, and academics are left to the finishing touches to their latest paper. tuition fees and the suchlike recently has the staff are very much an concentrate solely on their Instead of these brilliant minds lecturing, concentrated on the costs of education. We exception. The only time you current research projects. therefore, students are often left with final keep hearing about access and how fees will are likely to see an academic “Isn’t university great year PhD students, most of which have no discourage people from even applying to is if there is free food and without any students?” teacher training and receive a pittance for university and the perils of creating an elitist drink available. you can almost hear them their efforts. higher education system if institutions are Second of all - and perhaps cry, until they remember It is a fairly dire situation and one that I allowed to charge what they want for their most pertinent to us here at that they have tens of am happy to admit has been exaggerated courses. These are fair concerns, of course, Surrey given recent statistics RICHARD WATTS money-generating Masters somewhat here - but as a warning shot, and ones that have been discussed at great - is the idea of research and, and Phd students to come it serves notice on the demands faced length in the national press and education more importantly, research knocking on their door as by today’s higher education institutions. “The only time you are supplements, so much so that I doubt many income. In most of the they inconveniently wish If UniS continues to position itself as likely to see an academic people, by the time the White Paper was top institutes, survival is to finish their 15,000 word a research-led, postgraduate focused is if there is freed food and actually released, were moved to find out dependent on how many dissertations. It won’t be university, it must remember not to neglect drink available.” what it actually said. grants can be reaped by long until they start e-mailing its diminishing undergraduate population Though the focus on the amount students research and the work carried whilst their supervisor is in for the sake of a research dollar. As will pay and when they will pay it is a worthy out, so for many academics, students are the Tuscany. important, though, are the pressures placed subject, it seems that not many people have last thing on their remarkably intelligent An interesting situation that arises out of on staff to prove themselves and succeed in asked the question about what students minds. Reflecting this, promotions within this wish to generate research-based income the research stakes; if Surrey can provide will actually get for their money. What do departments and staff progress are often is the employment of top-class academics, a supportive environment in which teaching prospective debts of up to £21k actually buy based solely on research output. Students, often world-leaders in their field. Though isn’t frowned upon as a waste of valuable students? For those students who are hoping therefore, are paradoxically present to departments can often recruit using the research time, then perhaps Surrey, through to attend top-class institutions that might be provide money for research and not to strength and reputation of their academic enthusiastic and focused staff, can succeed possibly be charging a premium, here are hinder its progress. How many heads of staff, it is not often students can benefit from post-White Paper and strike the balance some observations. department thus see students as £ signs and their expertise in lectures or pop by their between vitally important research and First of all, the warm greetings and friendly statistics, I wonder? office to ask a question. More often than teaching excellence. smiles they will be greeted by on a UCAS We then come to the relief at the end of not they are on sabbatical or at a conference open day will often belong to professional a semester as students finally go home somewhere, otherwise they are putting [email protected]

Persecuted minority, international terrorist or economic migrant?

WHEN DISCUSSING THE topic most of the problems. The of asylum, it’s very difficult Governments decision to not end up sounding like to disperse applicants to either a limp wristed liberal different parts of the country or a hard-nosed fascist. This certainly eased some of the goes some way to reflect just problems in Kent an London, how polarised your garden but the distribution has variety Briton is on the topic been concentrated on towns of Asylum seekers. and cities in the Midlands, Indeed, not since Ann PAUL CANNING the north of England and Widdecombe was shadow Glasgow. What does your home secretary has the “It seems that the sheer average deep fried mars bar debate over Asylum number of people involved loving Glaswegian have seekers, illegal immigrants here is causing most of the in common with a North and economic migrants problems.” Iqaqi Kurd who speaks little been so active. Since the English? last general election, the Well, very little, and this is of new Tory leader decided that one of the main course the main problem: fear and ignorance reasons for the conservatives being branded on both sides. The newspapers reports on as racists was that they ‘kept banging on the crimes committed by a troublesome about asylum seekers’. With the Tories now few, and make a big play on the fact that the much quieter, and Labour happy to say very flat in Wood Green that was being used as a little since their record in this area is hardly Ricin factory was occupied by two people for the way that asylum seekers are treated flattering, the media coverage dropped seeking asylum, but it seems to be only the and supported would go a long way to away. Recent terror alerts and the discovery bad stories you ever see. “CZECH FAMILY changing this, and it seems astonishing that that some people claiming asylum appear HOLD BARNSTORMING BBQ FOR no such framework is in place. in to have been plotting an attack on the UK, NEIGHBOURS” is not a headline you are The vast majority of people arriving on and the election of a 5th BNP councillor in likely to ever read in the Daily Mail. these shores claiming asylum are genuinely the North of England has put the topic very It is also important to consider why many fleeing persecution from their homeland, much back in the news people seeking asylum travel all the way but equally there are significant numbers The number of people claiming asylum from their homeland the borders of the who travel for financial reasons, so called FLIPPIN’ in the UK last year was over 70,000 for European union, then continue to travel economic migrants, and fewer still are here the third year in a row. This of course does across many thousands more miles, in for more sinister reasons connected with not include anyone who slips into the UK perfectly safe countries like Austria, France terrorism. Fairly sharing the burden with MARVELLOUS without officially applying for asylum and and Spain, to then try and cling to the bottom our European neighbours would go a great compares to a little over 4000 applications of a Euro Star in the hope of making it to way to easing tensions and concerns in this just twenty years ago. Britain. Regardless of whether or not it is country, and if we had an identity card like Truly, it seems to be the sheer number true, Britain is perceived to be a soft touch. A many of our EU counterparts, this would an update on 107.3 FM GU2 of people involved here that is causing common policy across the European union make this easier still. 4 OPINION 6 February 2003

THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION UNION HOUSE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY GUILDFORD GU2 7XH WWW.USSU.CO.UK A fantastic performance from all involved with this year’s RAG [the stop the war demo | 12pm | saturday 15th february | embankment station (near waterloo) | london] The news that the annual RAG human auc- RAG has dwindled somewhat over the tion has raised over £590 is fantastic and last few years and has always struggled to testament to the work that many people have capture the days of yesteryear when it was a been putting in over the last few weeks. It much bigger, much more outrageous specta- LETTERS TO THE EDITOR is also testament to the generous spirit ex- cle (the footprints on the side of the Surrey Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters hibited by all of the students and staff - both Court building are proof of that). may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected] as slaves and as bidders - who have surren- This year, however, thanks to the dedica- dered their time and money in order to chip tion of a selected group of people - build- in to the cause. ing on the work of those before them, both “Politics and cricket” article in “very bad taste” The event at Chancellor’s on Tuesday recently and historically - all that seems Dear barefacts, evening was, in every possible way, a re- to have changed and we await the quiz on sounding success. The bar was packed, the Thursday and RAG raid in Guildford town I think Philip Howard’s column on “politics and cricket” [barefacts, issue 1047] is in very atmosphere was excited, the slaves were centre before a final total can be announced bad taste. His view about using NATO attacks and economic sanctions to get rid of Mugabe looking a bit nervous as they realised what for 2003. pretty much sums up the hypocritical nature of the author. On one side he say’s that thousands they’d let themselves in for and the punters, Perhaps if the University are feeling gener- of Zimbabweans are going to die in a few weeks due to starvation and on the other side the as shown by their frivolity with the money, ous they could donate some of their (numer- [news] editor justifies the use of aggressive measures like sanctions and NATO attacks on were more than ready to seize the opportu- ous) coppers to the RAG fund. It would Zimbabwean people. Either way the people of Zimbabwe suffer and these comments by the nity to buy themselves “an attendant.” serve as good publicity, after all... [news] editor drives a wedge through the spirit of Africa.

Thank you, You can show how you feel about a A READER war with Iraq A bad day doesn’t justify going at the cleaners

This paper has, as a general rule, left the due to take place in London on Saturday Dear barefacts, and are expected to have their work done reporting of national and international news 15th February and to provide you with the within these hours. I know for a fact that to newspaper’s that can do it infinitely bet- information, at least, to fulfil that stereotypi- Responding to the ‘concerned student of most houses are pretty dirty, especially on ter and on a much less sporadic basis. Such cal activity of students that has dwindled so Stag Hill Court’, [letter of 23 January, issue Mondays when there has been no one there mindful “avoidance” of issues has not es- since the activism of the 1960’s and 1970’s. 1047] for the whole weekend to clean up the dirt, caped the attentions of our columnists, of This is not to say that barefacts endorses First of all, I think you have a serious except for the residents who obviously course, but has served well to let us concen- demonstration for the sake of it, but is in- problem as you are obviously spending couldn’t bother less. These houses take trate on issues we believe to be of concern to stead mindful of current issues and the inter- your time off watching the cleaners having a more time to clean and tidier houses less, it’s our readership - that is to say students, and est that many students take in them. break. In previous years the cleaners had to pure math. My last point is: GET REAL!! we have chosen our news coverage accord- If you would like to show how you feel clean the students’ rooms in addition to what My cleaning lady smokes, (I don’t), but I ingly. about a war with Iraq, the demonstration they do today. I don’t think it had any impact have never, ever had the cigarette smoke It is right and proper, however, that we will take place at 12pm on the stated day, on the rent when they were told not to do that linger in my bedroom or bathroom. I think bring to your attention the demonstration starting from Embankment, near Waterloo. anymore. So even if the cleaners perform you just had a bad day when you wrote the their task and use their time more effectively letter to Barafact and had to complain about and efficiently, as you so eloquently put it, something. I’m having a bad day, that’s why It’s your last chance for the elections I’m quite certain this wouldn’t contribute I’m replying to your letter………And you to any reduction of your rent. Secondly, a know what? The cleaners actually enter your person who works is actually entitled to house 5 days a week..... We’ve been pushing it quite a lot in barefacts over the first few weeks of this semester, have breaks……you probably haven’t had but you can never say it enough times: if you would like to run the Students’ Union next a job yet, so I thought I should mention Yours faithfully, academic year, then get yourself along to the Union, pick up your nomination form and get that. The cleaners have their working hours STAG HILL RESIDENT yourself in the running. The sabbaticals are what makes the Students’ Union tick - they pro- vide representation, support, advice and a vital link to the officials that run the University, so it is vital they are the people you want to do the job. Thus, if you think you can do it, then RAG week news “the most pathetic excuse for a story” there is nothing to stop you. Don’t forget, though, that you can also run for a position as delegate to the NUS national Dear barefacts, time. The fate of humanity may be in the conference - the annual three days in Blackpool at which policy is set for the national body hands of these two men. Certainly, millions that represents students. For more details, see page 7 of this edition. Re: “Bush accuses Saddam of playing of lives would be at risk if war happens If you think you can run the Students’ Union, or if you have a friend that you think could do games”; barefacts issue 1048 in Iraq. Therefore, this is not a matter for the job, then make sure the people at the Union know about it. This article is the most pathetic excuse for ridicule, and should be reported on to reflect a front page news story I have ever read. this; not with such ignorance and contempt barefacts has a history of reporting important as is displayed in this shameful article. news stories in a serious and comprehensive THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK way. In my opinion, last week broke with Yours sincerely, this tradition. I find it appalling how you can MICHAEL CHAMBERS “Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity.” make a mockery of what is the most serious CHAIRMAN AND LEADER, ALBERT CAMUS (1913 - 1960), AUTHOR threat to world peace and stability at this UNIS CONSERVATIVE SOCIETY 6 February 2003 OPINION 5

You know, I’m worried about Ben...

Ben Supper is struggling to come to terms with the dumbing down of our everyday lives. He is accumulating evidence to support his claim and he’s not sure why total strangers are asking him: ‘are you ok?’ He shares his thoughts with us...

STRANGE THINGS HAVE been happening from a bad Australian teenage soap recently. Everyone I know seems to opera. be whispering conspiratorially behind Let’s consider the facts I know. my back. All my friends have stopped Everyone has started doing exercise. phoning me, except an ex-girlfriend Lots of it. I feel like I’m the only person who just wants to argue. A woman on campus without a gym pass. My distracting hand movements. If a more expressing some past incredulity by standing over there keeps looking at me friends and colleagues are swimming, heated crisis is anticipated, one of the exclaiming, ‘And I was like, “Hello?”’ strangely, and I don’t like what her body cycling, running, climbing, and circuit characters will whimper, ‘I ... I feel so Nobody else batted an eyelid. At the language is saying. And yet, people training all over the place. It’s happening helpless.’ time, I was horrified. Now it all makes I don’t even know are so concerned all round campus: people whom I once Suddenly, enter Ben, who has been perfect sense. about my mental health that they’ve knew are turning themselves into pert, listening in for the last ten seconds, Soon, my friends shall start to refer started sticking up posters everywhere healthy clones of the individuals they jumping to conclusions and not bothering to their parents ‘the olds’ just as they asking me if I’m OK. And that’s got me used to be, leaving me -- a lonely, to listen to any subsequent explanation. now refer to the University as ‘uni’: thinking. slightly flabby, and almost imperceptibly Uproar. Slam. Then a slick transition to a word which has been imbued with Are you OK? Are you OK? These balding postgraduate -- looking more an ultra-clean temperance bar quietly some credibility by the recent sinister posters have woken me up. I’ve and more like Harold from Neighbours. playing some one-year-old R&B on a rebranding of what used to be The mulled the question over for days, You want more evidence? There are jukebox with invisible loudspeakers. University of Surrey. People in Roots and the answer always comes out the the recent and stupid misunderstandings Two or three young, toned people sit in will drink more beer and fruit juice same. No, of course I’m not OK; but I’d rather not have had with my ex- a row. And here’s a strange thing: they from bottles, rotating these carefully thanks anyway. However, I also know girlfriend. The stupider arguments I fell never actually consume the food and so that the manufacturer’s marque faces something else: that people who are not into with three members of my band drink in front of them. If you’ve been to outwards, clearly readable between OK are the dark matter of the universe. today. These misunderstandings are Seasons recently, you’ll know why. their fingers. And before I know what’s They constitute an overwhelming becoming more frequent. I conclude I have no doubt that, true to fiction, happening, Paddy Dowling will be majority, yet you’ll never see them, or that people are forsaking their erstwhile every young woman I know is soon comin’ over one arvo, with a crate of hear them, or know about them. human personalities in favour of a going to ‘leave the country’ or maybe stubbies on the back of his ute. I don’t think I’m stupid. I certainly banal, adolescent, easily scripted ‘get run over by a train’. You mark my Citizens, this is our bleak, Orwellian know what paranoia is, and that it alternative: ‘fly off the handle by the words, the month after they do, they’ll destiny. The Grundy Television closely describes what you’re reading seat of your pants.’ Those posters have a chart hit. One day after that I’ll Company are our Thought Police: now. But the pieces of this jigsaw are asking oh-so-innocently ‘are you OK?’ wander innocently into a newsagents, monitoring, bowdlerising, bastardising, slowly fitting together, and the picture are just manifestations of what we’re and find them adorning the front cover twisting, and regurgitating our they form disturbs me more and more. I becoming. of some gentrified masturbatory aid. conversations. They are dictating our know what’s happening around me, and I’m sure almost everybody is already Going to Azerbaijan, are you? Ha! I’m thoughts and our words. They oversee I know that I’m not mad. familiar with this format. Cut to a not fooled. You’re working on a solo the desecration of our beautiful language You, me and everybody else in this domestic scene. Gaudy furniture; bad career and flashing your bum at an FHM with their ugly Newspeak. university are turning into characters lighting. One character says to another, photographer for ten grand, that’s what Perhaps I’m too old to understand ‘You know, I’m you’re doing. Well, I’m not going to be this revolution, and I must admit that worried about Ben.’ deceived any more. evidence is pretty circumstantial. “You, me and everybody else Then there ensues And here’s another thing. People Nevertheless, if you’re female and about ninety seconds around me who should know better, you’re not intending to leave the in this university are turning into of inconsequential and have proper English language country soon, I’d suggest you steer clear dialogue delivered qualifications, have started voicing of railway lines, just in case. Take a look with a question objective statements as if they are at the world around you. You still think characters from a bad Australian mark wherever a questions. They have begun to substitute I’m crazy? Well you obviously don’t full stop ought to ‘was like’ for ‘said’ in reported speech. understand me. You’ll never understand teenage soap-opera” be, accompanied Four months ago, I heard somebody me. You’re a drongo. So just rack off, by an obbligato of I know -- somebody intelligent -- mate.

barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is Do you have a complaint against published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office. this newspaper? 2002 - 2003 The views expressed within the paper are those of individual If you have a complaint about any item in this authors and do not necessarily represent the views of the newspaper which contains inaccuracy, harassment, editor in chief | richard watts [[email protected]] Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ Union or the intrusion or discrimination write to our editor about University of Surrey. it. editor film editors This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, If you remain dissatisfied please contact the sarah butterworth [[email protected]] stewart fudge [[email protected]] stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express Press Complaints Commission - an independant deputy editor jolyon hunter [[email protected]] permission of the publisher beforehand. organisation established to uphold an editorial Code of Practice for the Press. This newspaper will abide position vacant photography editor All submissions must include the author’s name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. by their decision. news editor chris hunter [[email protected]] philip howard [[email protected]] literature editor Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. Press Complaints Commission music editors chris ward [[email protected]] 1 Salisbury Square alex read [[email protected] sports editor barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. London EC4Y 8JB simon robinson [[email protected]] eddison ruswa [[email protected]] Telephone: 020 7353 1248 theatre editor lifestyle editor [email protected] Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 rachael bemrose [[email protected]] morgan gooch [[email protected]] WWW.USSU.CO.UK Printed by South West Wales Publications Adelaide Street, Swansea If you would like to write for barefacts, then please get in touch: [email protected] © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 Tel: 01792 510000 6 UNION 6 February 2003 University of Surrey Students’ Union societies special Let there be no doubt that variety is the spice of life: with over 60 clubs or societies to choose from at USSU, you can get in- volved in pretty much whatever you like. Below are three exam- ples of the mnay societies available to join

OVER THE COMING term, St. John Ambulance plus hints on how to communicate LINKS will be running a number of training effectively with the hard of hearing. sessions for members of the University. Tues 18th Mar: Resuscitation for These sessions will be on a variety of topics, Dummies! and are free to anybody who wishes to Learn what to do with an unconscious attend. casualty, this training session forms the All sessions will take place on Tuesday basis for any first aid course. Knowing what evenings in the Teaching Block, Room 11 to do could help you to save a life. (TB11) and will start at 7.30pm. All are welcome at any of these training ODD SOCS, ANOTHER new feature in barefacts or devil sticks too. The sessions are as follows: sessions. For more information about this week, is your guide to the societies barefacts: You formed this society very Tues 28th Jan: Emergency Childbirth these sessions, or the activities of St. John that exist within the university. Each week recently, were you tempted to call it Something which any one of us could come Ambulance LINKS at the University of you will get an interview with a prominent ‘tossers’? across, and very few would know Surrey, email [email protected] member of a society who will try to explain Mark: We’ve heard all the ball jokes, ring how to handle. A beginners guide to - or to join our e-mailing list, email surreyli why they bother. This week, we start with jokes, tossing jokes and we’re not amused emergency childbirth. [email protected]. the Juggling Society, and I met president Alex: Well I’m always amused Tues 11th Feb: Ambulance Awareness - Mark Thomas and treasurer Alex Wilton. barefacts: That’s very helpful guys, thanks. Assisting the Paramedic barefacts: So what is Juggling Society? So there you have it. Juggling Society every If you had to stop and help at an accident, Alex: It’s a place for expressing your feelings Monday at 6 in AP3. Show up and throw would you know what to do once the through the sheer pure art of juggling some stuff. ambulance arrived? There are many ways Mark: It’s a place where you can learn new that an ambulance crew may ask you to skills to show your mates, somewhere you assist, and this session should give you can go just for a laugh, to have fun and see NOTICES the confidence to do just that. Also, the and learn some amazing things. With, by the opportunity to look round a front-line way, professional tuition available every Economics EGM (electing new treasurer accident and emergency ambulance. week. and secretary) 7th February Tues 4th Mar: British Sign Language barefacts: Can you juggle? 1pm 04 AD 00 An introduction to British Sign Language, Mark: I hold an unofficial world record for being the youngest person to juggle eleven Arabic EGM (electing a new Social Magick & Pagan society balls out of twelve people on record. Secretary) 7th February 4pm Grant barefacts: How would I join the Juggling Mitchell Committee room WHO ARE WE? BY JESS RIDOUT Society? PAGANISM, ENCOMPASSES ALL religions Alex: Just turn up. It’s in AP lecture theatre Stage Crew AGM 10th February 6pm venerating nature (including the cycle of life in magick, but not all believers in magick 3 every Monday, from 6-8. No experience Helyn Rose Bar and death aswell as the living landscape), are Pagan- you might be witches working necessary acknowledging many gods, and revering spells, healers laying on hands, ceremonial Mark: We guarantee to teach new members gods and goddesses as equals. Pagans magicians and occultists, shamans to juggle three balls in one week, and you today are followers of the ‘Old Gods’- the communing with spirits, seers, or many can also learn to juggle with rings or clubs, pantheons of ancient history (eg Roman, other archetypes. Whatever your thing is, or you can learn to unicycle or use a Diablo Egyptian, Norse) and the spirits of nature, you’re welcome to join us. but we deny no other religion- the divine WHAT WE ARE UP TO ON CAMPUS? is sacred no matter what face it is wearing. This semester we meet as always Wednesday These gods may be divinities in their own night at 6ish in Roots (sofa side). We’re the oney right, or you may consider them forms ones with pentacles and more hot chocolate created to symbolise aspects of the world than is really decent. We have another around us. Our world is a divine body and a divination evening planned Weds 12 Feb, atters living system, and we hope by observing our for trying our hands at telling each other’s customs to attain harmony with it. futures. 1st March we’ll be tripping merrily M Pagans do not believe in the Devil / Satan, into London to hunt out quirky occult shops and are certainly not silly enough to worship of coolness. We’re also trying to arrange There is a word that is as common to the vocabulary of one if they did. Celtic gods depicted with some (rather nervous) home speakers on the rich as it is to the poor: debt. So this week we look animal traits eg antlers are often mistaken magickal and pagan topics, kicking off at what do you do when the money runs out? for the Devil. The philosophy of Satanism Weds 19 Feb with an intro to Astrology. Whatever you do – don’t panic; saying that, don’t sweep the matter under the carpet and is not the worship of the Devil, but focuses And of course we are celebrating the try to ignore it because it will not go away. Come and talk to us at SAIS or the student on faith in the self as opposed to faith in Sabbats, our festivals marking the turn of adviser at your bank, or the Citizens Advice Bureau. Or all three. Between every one you a religion. The name merely reflects the the year. Imbolc, the dawn of spring and will receive the best advice and help. original root of the word “satan”, meaning the festival of healing, poetry, smithing and Impoverished and imprudent students are not a new phenomenon and you are not alone. “an adversary” (of religion). Satanists are the goddess as maiden, will be marked on A bank manager’s view on the matter: “The problems students have are very real. As a not Pagan, but belong under the society 5 Feb. Further ahead (masters of planning bank manager, all too often we find we are just picking up the pieces when things have umbrella by virtue of their belief in magic, that we are) we’ve pencilled in another trip gone too far. Debt brings stress and that will affect your ability to study. Come sooner see below. to Glastonbury for Spring Equinox (daytrip rather than later.” MAGICK is the unseen force of the Sat 22 March). Plus, we’re compiling a If money is getting tight the following may be worth remembering: universe, and the shaping of that energy by list of books we’re willing to lend to other • don’t fall into the hands of a loan shark will. Magick can be a combination of ritual, members, and there are various non society • don’t exceed your bank overdraft without asking first psychology, meditation, or faith. It is often events coming up like the Royal Academy • don’t forget to pay your gas and electricity bills tapped by divination (fortune telling) by talks on the Aztec gods etc. So please join • don’t see credit cards as another source of income the Tarot, runes or crystals, or can be used us! Find us on Wednesdays in Roots or for healing by Reiki, Chakra work or other email our group: UniSwiccan@yahoogrou Student Advice& Information Service (SAIS): Wey Flat 2 | Surrey Court energy techniques. Most Pagans believe ps.com to chat. t: [68]9261 | e: [email protected]

this wk. elections03 NUS

conference are delegates next wk. you what “willing“ happens next? to run ?

The sabbatical elections are not the only thing you can run or vote for dur- ing the election period. If you are interested in the national student scene, then you can run for a position of “delegate” to the NUS national confer- ence, held in Blackpool. At this event, the policy for NUS is set for the next year and you, as a USSU delegate, can have a direct effect on the outcome of what the NUS con- centrates on next year. To get yourself elected, you need to know why you want to go and con- vince other people why you would be the best person to go to Blackpool to represent the students at the University of Surrey. If you would like to be a delegate, then fill out the nomination form in the standard election booklet available in the Union (you can use this for NUS delegate or for a sabbatical position) and hand it in to Scott Farmer before 5pm on Valentine’s Day (Friday of wk.4). Annual Conference: Executive Committee (NEC) and other committees membership. The NEC are the representatives The sovereign body of the National Union of Students and approving the estimates for the year ahead. It of the membership guided by the constitution in is Annual Conference and it takes place each spring. is the forum where the NEC are ultimately held implementing the policy and objectives of the Every students’ union or Constituent Member (CM) is accountable. Union. The NEC co-ordinates the National Union entitled to representation (one delegate per thousand Annual Conference also elects campaign committees of Students campaigns, services and training work students). Approximately 1500 people attend, 1400 of when it divides into sectors: Further Education and are responsible for managing the affairs of the whom are delegates. National Committee (FENC) and Higher Education National Union of Students. The NEC may set policy Annual Conference determines the policy of the National Committee (HENC). These committees in between Annual Conference, provided that it does National Union. It also adopts policies by ratifying aim to co-operate with the National Executive in not breech the policy set by Conference. decisions taken at sector conferences and liberation the implementation of policy directly related to their The National Executive are held accountable by conferences. It sets the campaigning agenda for sector and advise them on matters concerning either National Council or ultimately by Annual Conference. the next year by determining policy areas. Annual higher or further education. The NEC Consists of 26 members, including the Conference has the responsibility for electing most of National Executive Committee: “Block of Twelve” part-time officers who are without the National The National Executive Committee (NEC) is elected portfolio and elected at National Conference. at Annual Conference, Liberation Conferences and Special Region Conferences by the NUS conference | Blackpool | 31.03 - 03.04 Another volunteering opportunity from V-coordi- nator Alli Cummings: Gulidford Action

HI, ITS ME All Cummings Well as you can probably guess fromthe their furniture recycling project which Why not spare some of your time to back again to give you details of the 2nd title, there is hardly any traveling allows poorer people to be able to help out a family or a child and get V opportunity that you can get involved involved with this one as its based in afford essential bits of furniture. some great life and work experience. about and this week though I’m going Guildford, just round the corner from If you’re not an office person or think Then as if this isn’t enough you could to tell you all about Guildford Action. the bus station. The main purpose your IT skills are good enough then also help out with Housing Support of Guildford Action is how about enhancing your people by giving people advice on debts, to provide support for skills by working in the Drop In Centre housing, eviction and relationships people on low incomes or the Family Centre? The Drop In with neighbours and families. in Guildford through a Centre offers advice & support, a If you are interested in any of these drop in centre, housing shower and clean clothes and cooked opportunities then please just pop into support, counselling food at reasonable prices so volunteers the Students Union Activity Centre and or family support. So are desperately needed to help out by have a word or email me. because they do such talking to people, giving advice or just p.s. If you didn’t see the first a lot you are right in helping out in anyway possible. The opportunity for some strange reason, thinking that there is purpose of the Family Centre is to give then it was the Grange, a retreat quite a lot for you to get advice and support to families or young for people with severe learning and Pictured: involved in. people so they have clothes and toys physical disabilities and if you want Guildford Ac- You could learn some for the families, they also teach skills more info on that one then just get in tion day centre admin skills through like fashion and IT and they provide touch. manager Karen working in their offices outreach support to vulnerable kids [email protected] Jones and some much-needed and helping to organise aged between the ages of 11 and 16. t: [01483] [68] 3254 care goods. 8 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 6 February 2003 Careers for music graduates (and everybody else) Responding to the article in barefacts issue 1047 entitled “careers for music students,” Dr Russ Clark of the careers service restores the faith of any arts graduates who might have found themselves panicking unnecessarily

MANY OF YOU will have read Sarah’s graduates of any discipline. We know recognise is that employers interested publishers and so on, with postal article in a recent barefacts in which of one music graduate who secured a in recruiting arts graduates tend to addresses, telephone numbers, email she suggested that the information position on one of the most coveted be different from those who employ addresses and websites. provision in the Careers Service for management training programmes in scientists and engineers. They are Because of the diversity of employers those on less science-based courses the country. We also know that she got often smaller, may not have a graduate of arts graduates, we work hard to carry could be improved. I should like to the idea from the Careers Service. recruitment office and are much more an extensive range of reference material reply as readers may otherwise form a I suspect that Sarah would have likely to fill a vacancy by producing an relevant to their needs. These are easy view about the Careers Service which liked to have seen an ‘Employers of advertisement or receiving speculative to locate in the Occupations sections is incorrect. Musicians’ directory. Believe me, if applications. Most wouldn’t dream of the Careers Library. I am confident I cannot deny that some of the a publisher produced one, we would of producing a brochure to advertise that anyone who uses them will find a information which we carry may not carry it. Unfortunately, most of the their vacancies. It is simply not wealth of useful information to assist appear, at first sight, to be of interest mass-produced publications are driven cost-effective to invest heavily in an their job search. to every student. However, I must by those employers who take a lot expensive product when they have so I was pleased to see that Sarah found point out that 50% of jobs are open of graduates and that seldom applies few vacancies to fill. Nevertheless, our the staff welcoming. I also believe to graduates of any discipline. The to employers of arts graduates. It What Next folders, including those for passionately that every student would Hobson’s Management Guide is may appear as if our information Music, Dance, Law and Languages, all benefit from a visit to the Careers relevant to every graduate at Surrey. is incomplete but we cannot carry carry a section on employers, relevant Service. We may not be perfect, but we So are many of the jobs in Focus on IT, something which doesn’t exist. Neither directories and other sources of vacancy are all totally dedicated to helping you Target City & Finance, Management is it fair to refuse to carry multiple information which might prove useful. to find the job or course which is right Consultancy, etc, etc. The same is true copies of publications which target We also do our best to carry copies for you – be it through the information of our Vacancy Bulletin. Although particular students. of significant directories. In the case we provide or the advice we give. music graduates may not be sought On the positive side, what can we do of music graduates for example, the in abundance, at least a half of the for someone who wants a job in an ‘White Book’ lists 55 orchestras, 230 [email protected] vacancies listed would be available to arts-related field? The first thing to sound recording studios, 174 music www.surrey.ac.uk/careers

This weeks careers & skills talks

THE FINAL HURDLE BUNAC Monday 10th February | 1pm | TB1 Monday 10th February | 6.15pm | LT M Russ clark will talk you through some of the activities Last term bunac’s presentation gave an overview of which employers use at assessment centres. opportunities offered, this term, the focus is on work america. HOW TO SUCCEED AT ASSESSMENT CENTRES * Wednesday 12th February 2pm | LT B UPTON MCGOUGAN * Final selection procedures often include group Tuesday 11th February | 6 pm | oak suite 1 & 2 I suppose that all students will know discussions, aptitude tests and written exercises. This Details of opportunities for graduates and placement that we had our origins in the old workshop will help you find out more about these students in civil, electrical and mechanical engineering. Battersea Polytechnic in London, and activities and get some practice. AMERICAN EXPRESS * they will have seen pictures of that great PRACTICE APTITUDE TEST * Thursday 13th February | 6.15pm | LT M Victorian building, which still stands Thursday 13th February | 6.15pm | LT A Rescheduled presentation of opportunities for graduates Another opportunity to try your hand at our practice of any discipline in sales and marketing, customer today. But I don’t suppose that anyone test similar to tests used by many employers to measure service, finance and project management. will have told them about the pigeons. logical thinking. Pigeons are basically rock birds, and If you would like to register with Careers, please email [email protected], or visit in person. so they love Victorian buildings, with Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information all their nooks and crannies. Battersea Poly was no exception – it was home to hundreds if not thousands of pigeons. This is the word-crossing crossword And they were an infernal nuisance. Not only did the whole place get covered you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semeser in pigeon droppings, but they died in Apologies once again for the strange positioning of the crossword this week and inaccessible places, and the removal of the possible impossibility of being able to read the clues. If it really is that bad, pigeon corpses was no pleasant task. BY ARTHUR TARRANT don’t strain your eyes and just put words in that will fit. [email protected] Now I think I can say at this stage of history that there were certain of the window open, The pigeons had moved old polytechnic lecturers there who in. The whole place was smothered in confined their activities to giving the pigeon droppings – desk, table, floor, minimum number of lectures that their chairs, bookcase, lights, everything was contracts required. Those gentry would a stinking mass of droppings. Worst disappear as soon as their lectures were were his Dunloppillo armchairs. Pigeon concluded, usually sometime in May, droppings are very corrosive, and his and would not be seen again until the chairs were riddled with half-inch following October. One such had an holes, as though someone had put an office just across the corridor from auger through them. ours, and put his own lock on it, so The whole place was a fearful health that no-one could get in while he was hazard, an ultimately that office was away. One October morning we heard demolish and the space created was the click of his lock, and then there used to enlarge an adjacent teaching was a sort of gasp. A moment later he lab. The old head porter, the splendid Above right: Dr knocked on our door. “Come and look Jack Knight, confided to me: “Silly Arthur Tarrant, at this” was his cry. ****** shouldn’t have left the window who completed his PhD here in 1967 When he left in May, he had left the open, should he?” 6 February 2003 STUDENT FUNDING 9 Different fees for different courses: student finance Last week’s feature on the White Paper detailed the finer points of the new government policies and schemes. Philip Howard looks at the implications on student finance whilst Paul Wright (below) forsees profit for a powerful cartel of universities in the UK [1] family income < £10,000 > £30,000 TO ITS INTERNATIONAL (non-EU) with no extra contribution or grant labour based £3,600 £13,500 students, the university currently available. The industrial placement charges two different fee levels; one year at Surrey is charged at half fees, non-labour based £900 £10,800 for those on lab-based courses, and one so these would rise to £1500 and £1200 for those on non-lab courses. Given respectively for the higher and lower [2] family income < £10,000 > £30,000 that Surrey has the freedom to charge rates. This puts the total balance due to labour based £16,500 £23,100 as it sees fit on these courses, it is likely the government and fees in one of the £13,800 £20,400 that the university will follow this if it categories shown in table one. non-labour based introduces higher fees in 2006 – most Turning to student loans, however, [3] VCs are intending to introduce higher by 2006 the loan available to students family income < £10,000 > £30,000 fees, with over a third intending to from non-traditional backgrounds will charge the full £3,000 fee according be around £4,300 (assuming 2.5% placement balance: +£5k £2,900 -£5,600 to this week’s THES. This year the inflation), with £3200 of this non- placement balance: -£6k -£8,100 -£5,400 fees were (according to the Surrey web means tested. This would leave these -£6k but using loan -£3,800 -£1,100 site) £9,780 and £7,380 respectively; students with a total debt (assuming a £2,400 difference between the two they do not spend their student loan fee levels, so the two top-up fee levels from the placement year) of £12,900 high family income student has £3,200 the total bank balances of students as are likely to differ by a quarter of that for low income and £9,600 for high- loan, £3,000 support and £4,500 living they leave Surrey in 2010 will be as in (since the government pays around income background students. This puts costs, so a yearly balance of £200. On table three. 75% of tuition fees). If the higher rate our extremes with the following debts this assumption, the student should be These debts for the students on unpaid is £3,000, the lower rate is likely to to the government at the end (note, this able to stay above the red line without placements will usually be in the form be around £2,400 therefore, around doesn’t include the grant available to taking on a job if they spend as little of overdrafts, credit cards and paid £1,300 more than current fees. To poorer students). See table two. as possible, or they may take on a job for by working part time during the students from low income families Considering parental contribution to (as now) to fund a more comfortable other years of their degree. So overall, (‘non-traditional’, cries the White be £3,000 for these top end students lifestyle – note that rent on campus students will be more solvent during Paper), this would represent a total of and no contribution for the lowest and in Guildford will be around £2- the year than they currently are, in £1800 or £1200 after the government’s income families, the difference is not so 3,000 a year by 2006. Considering particular those from sub-£10,000 £1200 initial contribution (£1100 plus 4 great; the sub £10,000 family income the placement makes circumstances income families, but also those from years’ inflation), and to the poorest 7% students receive an extra £1,000 grant very variable. Some will get well-paid over £30,000 income families in (so reports the THES), an extra £1,000 and an extra £1,100 loan. If living costs placements, and save hard, finishing paying their fee later. After they leave grant will apply, putting the balance at are assumed to be £6000 for the year, with £5,000 or more in their account. university, however, the picture is very £800 or £200 debt overall. To those then the low family income student has Others go on unpaid placements, so different; it will be very rare to find a from high-income families, the debt £4,300 loan, £1,000 grant, leaving them may end up with £6,000 debt. Assuming student without debts to repay through would run at £3,000 or £2,400 per year, with -£700 in their account. The these as the two extremes, graduate tax.

A lot has been written in this and other and will eventually die out. system. For universities it is easier papers in the past weeks about the It has been suggested that the to budget on set, long-term, level fees government’s white paper regarding proposed access regulator will be the rather than re-evaluate fees charged the future of Higher Education. stick with which to beat universities on an annual basis. It must be stressed From a student’s perspective the that do not tow the government’s that, although none of the proposals most important development is that line and to stop the cartel forming as will directly affect current students, institutions will be freed to set their outlined above. The access regulator it will impact on their future children own fee levels up to a cap of £3000 on is the only body that can grant and younger relatives, therefore it is a per course, per institution basis. PAUL WRIGHT permission to an institution to set their important that everyone has a chance This fact has many worrying that own fee levels. Only if the regulator to influence the final decisions made. this will lead to a two-tier education situation and one that the government is convinced that “access by students On Wednesday 5th March the there system and point to American as would not want. If all institutions from all walks of life will not be will be a mass lobby of parliament on indisputable proof. I, however, would decide to set level fees across all affected by the proposed fees” will the this issue. Keep a look out for further like to outline a somewhat different, courses at every institution then UUK they grant fee-setting powers. details in barefacts. and potentially more damaging course becomes the OPEC of the higher However, the White Paper does not [email protected] of events. education sector. If all institutions go into a great deal of depth as to The White Paper was released on believe that the market will bear the who the regulator will be or how they the Wednesday and Universities UK fees then they also believe that they will carry out their role. It is quite in (UUK) met the following Friday to can still attract enough students. Any conceivable that the regulator will discuss their initial reactions to the institution that then subsequently be just as ineffective and slow to act next week proposals. At this meeting the issue of broke away from the cartel would as Oftel have been in forcing BT to fee levels was discussed and, as many also be admitting that they were relinquish their monopoly position commentators previously speculated, not recruiting or retaining enough in the telecomm sector regarding the the big universities made noises about students. This drop in price would unbundling of the local loop to allow imposing the full £3000 fee across all then be perceived as a lack of quality competition in ADSL services. If this RTS their courses. However, surprisingly in that institution, leading to less was the case then universities really A some of the new, former polytechnic students applying. The individual would be driving the higher education institutions institution would then eventually sector and the government’s notion & “The individual institution also suggested dwindle and die out, leaving just the that market forces would shape what that they too cartel of UUK. fees were charged would be shown to ULTURE WEEK would die out, leaving would charge In this manner the cartel as a whole be false. C the full fees. remains strong and can continue to In conclusion I believe that this the cartel of the UUK.” This leads to impose level fees over every course. scenario is just as possible as the an interesting Anyone deviating from this is weak much-vaunted American two-tier what’s the Union up to now? NEXT WEEK COMPETITION it’s becoming a stand- win £50 of TopMan ing joke, but the Rich vouchers if you dare! W meets the Hamil- simple question and ton’s thing is really no tricks involved - we going to be next week just want your entry Spielberg onto a (Oscar?) winner

He has proved himself countless times over the last twenty-five years, but can the acclaimed Steven Spiel- berg do comedy? Jolyon Hunter has the answer

WHEN A FILM is produced and directed to stay one step ahead of the game, baiting by Steven Spielberg, and he manages to Hanratty to catch him. Despite operating on persuade John Williams on board, movie the wrong side of the law, you still root for Above: Steven Spielberg (centre) with stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks. Following Gangs of New York last week, DiCaprio really has been a busy boy. audiences have come to expect a certain Frank and that is the key to the movie. The high standard of quality. With DreamWorks characters are colourful and emotionally Studios latest release, “Catch Me if You engaging. This is not to say that there is depth go) you can’t go too wrong. Just be thankful Can” we aren’t disappointed. to them, indeed this is one area which might it’s not another “A.I: Artificial Intelligence”. The movie itself boasts a stellar cast be seen to be lacking. However, this movie Spielberg leaves behind the digital trickery, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks, is nonetheless a great caper, and should be to focus once again on the people in the story Christopher Walken and Martin Sheen. The taken at face value – a great popcorn movie, – and it is this that makes “Catch Me If You film is based on a true story and focuses worth a look if you’re looking for something Can” almost refreshing. Escape to another on Frank Abagnale Jr. (DiCaprio), a high- refreshingly different. era, and go catch it… if you can. (Apologies school student who manages to pass himself The appearance of Christopher Walken and for that but you saw it coming didn’t ya?) off as a Pan Am co-pilot, a Doctor and a Martin Sheen as key characters shows just Lawyer, all before his 21st birthday. His why they are so highly respected actors, and forgery skills are so good that even banks certainly adds to the “quality” rating of the “If you have a top can’t tell the difference between his forged movie as a whole. The title sequences are Pan Am paycheques and the real thing. This exceptional in a Pink Panther kind of way enterprise nets him millions of dollars, but (but maybe that’s just me being a Hitchcock/ notch team like of course does not go unnoticed, and before Bernard Hermann fan). long one of J. Edgar Hoover’s boys, FBI Personally, I think if you have a top notch this then you can’t agent Carl Hanratty (Tom Hanks) is on production team like this, and set a movie Frank’s trail. in jet-set 1960s America (splashing about With that, the chase is on… Frank manages healthy amounts of Frank Sinatra as you go too wrong” Also showing: About Schmidt About Schmidt is the tale of a suburban man to avert the sort of marriage mistake he made forced to end his familiar existence with the when his daughter dons her wedding dress. passing of his wife. Having just retired, Warren The premise of the film is nothing new and, Schmidt, played by Jack Nicholson, searches though often very funny in places and overall for some sort of meaning to his life and looks immensely enjoyable, you cannot help but feel that this movie is too much of a vehicle for Jack Nicholson to gain another Oscar. Often enough, the film moves along without much incident - the opening ten minutes contain nothing but a mutter from Schmidt - and the reliance upon Nicholson’s “screen presence” is a little too unsubtle to let it slip from mind. Reasonable performances are provided by the supporting cast, but the (relatively justified) continual focus on Schmidt means that they never really flourish for any reason other than to signify more bemusement for the sixty- something retiree. Aside from this - and the fact that Nicholas is in fact excellent in the lead role - the film is worth a look, especially for the excellent cinematography and humour, more often than Jack Nicholson as Warren Schmidt not provided by a simple groom, played by in his movie-vehi- Dermot Mulroney, of My Best Friend’s Wedding cle to win another fame. Best Actor Oscar 6 February 2003 FILM 11 Look away now, kids - it’s the Troma movies review The League of Gentleman probably have a few Troma videos beneath their beds, though only a few can stomach their inspiration. James Dibley wields the logo

IN HOLLYWOOD TERMS, Lloyd Kaufman is life and operating at about the same probably down there somewhere below level of intellectual sophistication, The Cynthia Reiner, Alaska Berkowitz, and Toxic Avenger pretty much sets out the a bunch of other people whom you’ve Kaufman formula: low budget, straight- never heard of either. But for the last to-video films filmed and played twenty years, Kaufman has led Troma mostly for laughs, with lots of schlocky Entertainment, a genuinely individual thrills and spills along the way. Film- film studio whose output can safely be making at a sloppy, crude level, then, said to be like no other. but nevertheless delivering more in A wizened mummy who graduated the way of genuine entertainment than from Yale in 1969, Kaufman set the rather more cynically stupid trash out purposely to work outside the ground out by the Hollywood drones. everyone. The Troma catalogue runs to filmmakers to follow his example. parameters of the industry. Present Troma films tend to sit fairly contently hundreds of films, and while Kaufman South Park creators behind the scenes on films like Rocky in the "exploitation" genre, but deserves note for his work in restoring Trey Parker and Matt Stone got their and Saturday Night Fever, Kaufman generally have a greater depth than and releasing worthy-but-ancient first break at Troma Entertainment: ploughed the proceeds from this this implies. For every charming but exploitation films of yore like The their first feature-length Cannibal: the subterfuge into the first Troma movies, throwaway effort like Surf Nazis Must Indiscretion of an American Wife or Musical was released through Troma, which proved to be a string of silly, Die, there’s a Tromeo & Juliet, which White Zombie (from which the famed and resulted in commissions from the throwaway sex comedies with titles takes Shakespeare’s original story glam-metal group took their name), Fox and Comedy Central television like Squeeze Play. only to stuff it full of kinky sex, body some of his more gruelling features are networks. A book, Make Your Own The first flowerings of the particular piercing, and Motörhead. The resulting strictly for devotees. Veterans of Peter Damn Movie, is due to be published flavour which would come to hallmark mess is surreal, vulgar, nightmarish, Jackson’s early efforts like Bad Taste this summer. Troma films came with 1984’s The and highly imaginative: like a chance beware: Lloyd Kaufman is prepared to While a film like Chopper Chicks in Toxic Avenger, a gleefully stupid meeting between David Lynch and go much, much further. Zombietown or Killer Condom isn’t movie that mixes graphic violence Billy Connolly. It’s particularly hard to Perhaps history will come to see about to bring home any Academy (the DVD edition boasts, among other imagine The League of Gentlemen not Kaufman as most important for the Awards, Kaufman stands out as one extras, "at last, the complete head- having a few well-worn Troma videos example he sets rather than the films of the most distinctive, enthusiastic, crushing scene!") with a sarcastic, beneath their mattresses. he has produced. Filmmakers like and outspoken independent filmmakers wilfully juvenile story and a hundred Due to their undeniably extreme Tarantino and Rodriguez have come in the business. And there’s no way to and one special effects that can easily content and occasional utter absence of forward to acclaim his ultra-low-budget show off exactly what a classy guy (or be produced using only a few brand- anything that could be even remotely productions as an inspiration for their gal) you are quite like bringing home a name household products. Playing like considered "restraint" or "taste", own efforts, after all, and he has never Troma movie from the video store… a particularly crude Viz strip come to Kaufman’s films are probably not for been shy to encourage other aspiring [email protected]

COMPETITION[*]

Drive those winter blues away with a whole answer the following question (which is not new wardrobe courtesy of Topman’s cutting a trick question - it’s designed to try and get edge design team. Spring / Summer 2003 you to enter): sees another season full of street savvy trends. Drawing on key influences, the where can you find TopMan in collection is the last word in street cool. Guildford? Superfly, Urban Utility and Summer Boho are the inspiration for a plethora of up to the minute looks sure to make a statement this Q season. If you would like to win, please e-mail your That’s what the press release says anyway, answer to [email protected] and look but usually we don’t make you have to out for next week’s barefacts. Entries must read that becasue we’re nice like that. And be received by midnight on the Monday how do we get repaid? By eleven people before publication and are only accepted by entering the competition. You can see the people who normally shop at TopMan...(not sentiment... really). If no more than twenty people Anyway, not being one to moan, last enter, then I’m going to have them...(almost week’s winner of the Polaroid Joycam is really). [Jon Noble] so well done to hi,. This week’s competition is to win £50 of You should have Topman vouchers. All you have to do is seen the picture we had here originally. In fact, if you want to have a look at the original Troma piccie, drop us a line at the usual *why do we bother? e-mail address. 14 MUSIC 6 February 2003

SINGLES

REVOLUTION EP A MODERN WAY OF LETTING GO ONE MINUTE SILENCE | RENEGADE IDLEWILD | PARLOPHONE This is OMS 4-track single, which as Possibly the best band from Scotland, singles need to have three songs or less Idlewild have really developed over the last now-a-days is an EP. This means it won’t few years. From their debut album Hope is haunt the fabulous British charts. Great. It Important to the most recent The Remote is very repetitive and tedious although if Part (where this single is taken from), the heavy rap rock does float your boat this, band have become more mainstream and I’m sure, is a good release for purchase. Or possibly more mellow (relatively) with their you could wait for the upcoming album, sound whilst keeping the essence of what One Lie Fits All which will be released later they are. If you haven’t discovered Idlewild this year and features the songs from the with their raw rock/indie sound, start here album three | j.s. (before starting from the beginning with Captain) seven | j.s. “There is really very

ALWAYS AND FOREVER words by: al read | andrew JJ72 | LAKOTA RECORDS little to dislike here.” malek | simon robinson A relaxed and melodic second release anna wheeler | jonathan derzi from the band’s current I To Sky album, matty b | anthos chrysanthou dominated as usual by Mark Greaney’s jonathan howell | trademark elfin vocals. While it’s difficult to imagine anyone except the hardcore JJ72 if you are interested in writing for the music fan (if such a breed actually exists) getting team, then come along to the cd hand-out in particularly excited about this, there’s really the media centre on mondays at 5pm very little to actively dislike here. Pleasant, in the good sense of the word. seven | j.d.

I’LL BE YOUR ANGEL KIRA | NULIFE Kira has it all, she’s been on Belgians version of Stars In You Eyes and Popstars so why let her make a fool out of herself again as a solo dance artist. Runner up in Miss Belgian may give you a clue but the track does not have any edge that current dance tracks in the charts show. A mixture of club and commercial sounds does no favours, maybe she has a good voice but the track hardly enhances her vocals. four | m.b.

ONE HORSE TOWN THE THRILLS | VIRGIN What’s this? An indie band named ‘The [insert short word here]’? Where have we seen that before? It seems that The Thrills have been putting more effort into writing the tracks as opposed to thinking of names, and rightly so! They have produced a neat little tune that you just have to hum along to. Who cares about the name anyway? seven | j.a. ©kate gaughran 6 February 2003 MUSIC 15

The long-awaited return of Massive Attack 100TH WINDOW MASSIVE ATTACK The long wait between this and the last record should be attributed to reduced human resources (Daddy Gee has been on sabbatical and Mushroom has left for good). A definite move forward in terms of sound, Massive Attack have taken the musical baton and not so much ran with it but thrown it out of sight! The razor sharp machinations of Mezzanine are softened in favour of stirring waves of thoughtful sound – the resulting feeling is one of emotional release. The three songs featuring Sinead O’Connor serve best to differentiate this record; the listener is left reeling from this near perfect musical marriage. Butterfly Caught (not an O’Connor track) starts inconspicuously (it barely starts at all!) before exploding into a speedy assault on the senses; 3D’s distorted vocal scarred the life out of me! Extra impetus is readily available if the listener takes time to analyse the frightening lyrics. The variety and innovation in this collection of songs is truly unique within the current musical climate, I suggest your investigate immediately. nine | a.r.

ALBUMS

JUST LIKE BLOOD TOM MCRAE | DB RECORDS The follow up the Mercury Music prize nominated debut album sees a slightly darker side fake concept seeping out if that’s possible. This singer songwriter is not in the business of making music celebrity squares you can dance to or play easily on the radio but brings out real emotion. The theme is doom and gloom but theirs no escaping the haunted sound is pulled off in perfect fashion. students’ union Chilling vocals on Over The Water make this a definite standout of dramatic proportions. Well LIVE has returned With too many good tracks to mention it’s defiantly worth investigating. Each track has for the year and the first qualities in writing and performance from one of the U.K.’s finest singer songwriter that two bands couldn’t have been any different from one another. The Celebrity proves he’s no one-album wonder in style. eight | m.b. Squares are an acoustic duo singing quarky melancholic pop and Fake Concept are a narcacistic nu-metal rip off. FEAST OF WIRE The Celebrity Squares seem a little out of place for the union on a Tuesday. CALEXICO | CITY SLANG RECORDS Both musicians know how to play, but their talent and quarky pop seems to This third album from Calexico is a fall on deaf ears in the audience. Admittedly some of the songs do blend into typically eclectic collection of Americana one another, one of the problems performing an acoustic set. However, when influenced songs. On first track ‘Sulken the singer Willie Dowling moves onto the piano, the songs receive a more Waltz’ and at other points throughout the delicate touch than just been strummed out on a acoustic guitar. ‘The king for album, are the country inflections you a day’ and ‘Happy’ both tug the heart strings and ‘Celebrity Squares’, a song might expect from a band from Arizona, about the one dimensionality of celebrities is a funny and clever pop song. including pedal steel. This isn’t a band However, there is nothing really exciting about this band. Yes they write nice jumping on the alt.country bandwagon songs and they seem like nice people but sometimes nice just isn’t enough. though as the multitude of different styles Fake Concept on the other hand enter the stage along with a screech of on display prove convincingly. The band feedback and what sounded like satanic cries. Surprisingly I liked this band at it seems can do everything, from country first. The songs were tight, the singer had a good voice amongst the screaming to jazz to funk to cinematic soundscapes and angst and the guitarists even jumped around like they were in Busted (a such as the haunting strains of ‘Black similar age to). Now I’ve never been a fan of nu-metal but I thought this was Heart’. This is a fantastically dark and pretty good but then something changed my mind. The singer’s arrogance atmospheric track that could easily be the and showmanship began to annoy me, it seemed he actually thought he was outro to an experimental arthouse film. The in Linkin Park. Then the apparent pain and anguish they were in annoyed me. styles contained here are miles apart, but This band isn’t in any angst, they are a middle class group of boys from the the obvious skill of the musicians and the ACM being told what notes to hit, what key to be in and what scale to use. It production (done by the band themselves) all seemed like they were going through the motions and there wasn’t actually is in creating an album such as this in anything there. The four people moshing liked it though. simon robinson which the songs blend perfectly together. The finished result? A hugely enjoyable, eclectic mix of fantastic music. nine | a.w.

BEAUTY “I would think twice to hanging it up in my living room.” TEN OF SWORDS THE MAJESTICONS MARC CARROL | EVANGELINE Will underground hip-hop from New York make it big in 2003? The Majesticons, fresh out of Brooklyn I’m sorry to be honest here, but this album is terrible. It does are on a mission, determined to get their music heard all over the globe and that includes us here in nothing to inspire and is a weak, dire and dull collection of leafy, middleclass Guildford, what a contrast to the ghettos! Mike Ladd is at the forefront of The rubbish. The thing is I’m not sure why I hate it. He can sing, Majesticons, this is one of many projects he has undertaken. A man of many talents, Ladd has done a there’s nice melodies and a pop sensibility about this record spot of Djing in the past as well as fronting funk and punk bands. but it has been done and heard so many times before, its all Top: Massive An album that seems to be a lot funkier than your average hip-hop LP but still holds onto the traditional so predictable. Guitar, sweet harmonies and some songs Attack and hip hop sounds. Ladd has created a great piece of art here, I would think twice to hanging it up in my about love we have heard a plenty and done so much more [above left] Tom McRae in living room though. six | s.b. originally and more excitingly than this. one | s.r. deep thought 16 MUSIC 6 February 2003 Rock ‘n’ roll for the 21st century The D4 know that they are good. Stu Bryce talks to them to find out just how good they think they are

THE GARAGE ROCK scene has gained a lot of recognise the importance of their fans, “If it positive press in recent months with the wasn’t for them, then we wouldn’t be seeing likes of Ikara Colt and The Beatings being the world” Dion adds. The UK fan-base is supported by the NME and the record buying looking really healthy and could soon rival public, The D4 are no exception, they are at the support they have in New Zealand. the top of the scene and they know it. The Dion and Jimmy compete over who can D4 are a band full of confidence and energy add the most to the interview, whilst Beaver and when they take to the stage the only (so called because he use to work on a dam), thing they want to do is entertain. The D4 sits quietly, he sometimes grunts, and there are still on their first album after having is the odd laugh, but most of the time he released a countless number of singles and seems to be in deep thought. Maybe it’s Eps in New Zealand over the past four nerves about tonight’s performance, the years on the Flying Nunn record label. A largest headline gig The D4 have played in deserved break from touring in January and the UK. When the question of the best venue February of 2003 will see them recording the band have played at comes up there is new material. much debate, Madrid, York and the Reading It’s November the 25th 2002 and I join three Festival are all suggested with Dublin Dion: “We’ve always said we want to play and record more, no resting!” That sums quarters of The D4 on the last night of their Whelan’s winning, Dion: “The people are Tianaman Square, China, even if we get the band up, they understand that hard work tour of Britain, they are in great spirit yet fucking amazing in Dublin, they want to 0.1% of the population we will all be rich!” will get them far, and that’s just where they look completely knackered, not surprising have a good time” Jimmy: “Every time The answer was reeled of with no thought, a will go. when you realise the number of gigs they’ve we go there, we end up drinking until six question that must come up in most of their When it came to the gig The D4 shined, played since January 2002, over 200. We are in the morning in the bar downstairs at the interviews. the crowd were sent away with smiles on crammed into the dressing room backstage Whelan’s.” There is no such debate when The D4 are finally getting the recognition their faces. The band belted out the majority at the Mean Fiddler on Tottenham Court asked for their opinions on the worst venue, they deserve and have recently won the Best of 6Twenty along with a handful of new Road, the room is just how you expect, Jimmy: “I reckon Northampton was the International Achievement Award at the songs, highlights included crowd pleasers cigarette smoke filled, graffiti covered walls worst atmosphere we have experienced, I 2002 New Zealand music awards. Jimmy: ‘Come On’ and ‘Party’. The D4 are sure and an endless supply of alcohol, 100% can’t remember much of the place, but those “Well it was the first time we’ve even won to go onto bigger and better things, and rock ‘n’ roll. Jimmy and Dion take the sofa people need an injection of something.” You an award for music since I sung, ‘Islands in maybe sometime in 2003 they will get to whilst Beaver takes the table, I’ve got the can tell the band enjoy touring, they don’t the Stream’ with my neighbour when I was play Tiananmen square! The D4 will be sink! A band with a split personality, when have a bad thing to say about it, The D4 have 5 yeas old, so it was quite cool.” Beaver: back in March to promote their new single given guitars they are monster-like but when been performing the pub circuit on a global “You sung that song!” Jimmy “It really ‘Ladies Man’, they play the London Electric taken away a laid back, cool band emerges. scale for years now. Dion: “None of us have was humbling and very cool.” The D4 are a Ballroom on the 6th of March, be sure to The D4 are normal people from normal got houses, were citizens of New Zealand, close unit, they get on like family and share check them out. backgrounds that enjoy to rock, “We give but we’ve been travelling so much that we the same beliefs and outlooks on life, this The album 6Twenty is out now on Infectious 100% every time, even if it’s in front of 2 consider ourselves to citizens of Earth.” The helps when they spend everyday with each |www.thed4.co.nz people, they’ve paid their money, and we question had to be asked, where on earth other either in the studio or on the road. have a good time.” Jimmy Explains. The D4 would you like to play that you haven’t yet? Dion: “Our future plans are to tour more [email protected]

Erlend Oye | ICA (31st January) Its not often the skinny ginger kid at school gets his own back Special student rate for the Lion King and proves his worth, but tonight Erlend shows everyone that he is a Norwegian treasure. Imagine a geek more geekier The Lion King celebrates the third than Jarvis Cocker on his first day at secondary school and anniversary of its opening at the Lyceum that’s close to Erlend, a six foot plus, lanky, ginger haired, Theatre with the introduction of an spectacles wearing geek with a moustache proudly sat on his Exclusive Student stand-by rate. Currently upper lip. But with him comes no pretensions, he is just there booking through to the end of June 2003, to have fun and make everyone else have fun at the same the Lion King in offering students holding time, and that is exactly what he does. “I have been waiting a valid NUS card the opportunity to see years to dance on stage” he reveals to us all (normally he is this spectacular West End show on mid on stage as part of the Kings of Convenience, an acoustic duo week evening and Wednesday matinee from Norway). His dancing looks a bit rusty, much a kin to a performances for £15! Tickets are available new born giraffe trying to learn to walk, but that only makes from the theatre box office from 10am on those who are worried about performing the two step take to the floor because there is no the day of the performance and are limited way we can look as silly as that. But Erlend doesn’t care, he just wants us all to dance. to one ticket per student and subject to Erlend’s solo material is a more up beat electro version of kings of convenience, but availability. still maintains the chill out edge. He starts the night playing the acoustic numbers form The popular story of the young lion his debut solo album ‘Unrest’ and then introduces his backing band the Full Effect. After cub Simba, as he struggles to accept the which he then proceeds to tell us about “the very modern equipment” they will be playing responsibilities of adulthood and his on tonight. This includes an array of synthesizers, drum machines and keyboards. The destined role as king has been completely thing is no one really minds what he is telling us about but the excitement and enthusiasm reconceived for the stage. The design this Norwegian wonder creates in explaining things everybody is captivated. ‘Every party collaborators on The Lion King have drawn has a winner and a loser’ glides along on Erlend’s enthusiasm and Electro beats made by on many different cultural influences to his computers and makes all feel sorry for him as you feel there has been many a time create the masks, puppets, textiles and Theatre Box Office, Wellington Street, where he has been the loser. I can’t imagine why as his next party trick is to rap! Yep, sculpture that gives the stage musical its London, WC2. From 10am on the day of the ‘Prego Amore’ is Erlend’s answer to Norwegian hip hop. Grandmaster Flash he isn’t but simple, unique and distinctive style. performance and are subject to availability. his sweet rendition of electro breakbeat keeps us all enthralled and dancing. Erlend has The below offer is available in school term The nearest tube is Covent Garden. only rehearsed seven songs for this evening and he apologizes for this, no need to though times only and is subject to availability. Watch out for a review of The Lion King as to finish he covers the electro classic ‘Enola Gay. Half way through the song as just Tickets can be purchased at the Lyceum coming up in a few weeks time!! the drum machine is playing he invites audience members to hit the start button on his computer to bring back in the rest of the song. The song starts, people join the stage and Student stand-by tickets are available for £15, for performances on Tuesday, Wednesday we all dance the night away. The best fun I’ve had in ages, everyone needs to go to a and Thursday evening performances at 7.30pm and,Wednesday matinee at 2.30pm Norwegian disco. simon robinson 6 February 2003 THEATRE & LITERATURE 17 Around the world in 80 days Theatre editor Rachael Bemrose meets Jane Lucas I have to admit that I’m not much of a Jane Lucas, leading cast member of “Around the World musical fan myself, much rather see a in 80 days” which was playing at Guildford’s Yvonne good play. However, having read the press Arnaud theatre last week, is a native of Guildford and release for Around the World in Eighty was a pupil at Guildford High School. I caught up with Days, I was really looking forward to seeing her to have a chat about the musical, now in its second it. And I wasn’t disappointed. incarnation, and what brought her into the world of I had always enjoyed the Phileas Fogg acting. story, especially after watching it on Being raised in a medical family, Jane initially went children’s BBC when I was younger. Here into nursing after finishing school. Pressure from her the story has been adapted, but none of the father to have a safe and secure job, meant putting her dream of being an actress on hold. race against the clock adventure is lost. “I’d always wanted to act, and after 15 years of nursing I had gone as far as I could with it. Among the cast was Stephen Beckett, In 1996 I was financially independent; I had my own home, so I decided to give it a go. I am playing Phileas Fogg, who was Dr Matt much happier now and am lucky to have been working ever since.” Ramsden in Coronation Street and PC Jarvis One job she has been working on since graduating from LAPA in 1996, in as Sheila the in The Bill, Haruka Kuroda, who is the voice mousy girl in “The Office”. Having been involved in the award winning series since the of Noodle from Gorillaz and Jane Lucas and pilot episode, she enthuses about this particularly original British comedy: “Working on The Emma Manton, who were in The Office. Office is hilarious and amazing. Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant are very nice, very For me this was more of a musical meets bright, and very funny, but also very different from one another.” Knowing that we aren’t pantomime: where you have all the good going to see another series of the glorious tales from Slough, I ask if there are any office bits from both. Fogg’s trusty side kick, specials in the pipe line. Jane confirms: “Yes, I’ve been approach to do a couple of one off Passepartout (Tim Mitchell) was by far specials.” the most entertaining character. The We go one to talk about the musical and its cast, of which Jane is an original member. She funny, sweet, camp French servant, with says that the cast are all “totally committed: nobody slacks at all. This second production an unfortunate nack of getting into sticky is much slicker than the first, as there have been a few changes and there is an enormous situations, had everyone roaring. The BY RACHAEL BEMROSE amount of enthusiasm, which counts for a lot.” In the first act the ensemble cast along with evil villain of the piece was Captain Fix, Jane plays a variety of characters. In act 2, Jane plays Miss Fotherington, who she describes brilliantly played by Dominic Gray, who pantomime, i.e. they had talent. Powerful as a “heightened Victorian intelligent woman, though not a caricature, and I love playing oozed nastiness, was bombarded with singing, a collection of memorable songs her!” She tells me that both adults and children enjoy it, thought it’s often the older ones pantomime boos and hisses every time he and a very funny number all about Mormon who enjoy it more. came on stage. The musical talent of the polygamy, made for a well spent evening Talking to Jane gave me peace of mind: peace of mind that it is possible to do something cast were what made it a musical and not a out! you dream about. Whether it’s because you’re now brave enough to take the leap or simply as Jane said “it didn’t feel like a risk, not that scary: it just felt like something I had to do.” To pursue a burning ambition Literature editor Chris Ward takes a look at Mary Shelley’s Frankestein and wonders at the blind- ness of human endeavour and ambition Like Stoker’s Dracula, Shelley’s story has been twisted, moulded, and transformed from it’s original conception to a more superstitious piece of folklore. Many people have tried to adapt this tale. Sometimes they have succeeded, some have failed miserably (Kenneth Brannagh). But the basic general moral of this tale still stands within each and every adaptation – the conception of an idea, the blind immorality of implicating it without considering rationality, and finally the loss of control. Considering that she was only 18 years of age when she wrote this, Shelley has grafted a long-lasting impression on literary Britain in the form of a novel that has withstood the test of time and is still as famous now as it was in 1818. The story begins in the middle of the Antarctic Sea, where Captain Robert Walton is insisting on finding a path to the North Pole whatever the cost. The journey is cut short as ice wedges the ship, preventing it from moving. After they are on their way again, they find a man floating towards them on a large fragment of ice. He reveals himself as Victor Frankenstein, and the crew are so fascinated that a man has survived in such conditions that they are more than willing to feed him and nurture him to good-health. However, many are suspicious as to why he was out here, and when confronted by Walton, Frankenstein tells his tale of madness, deceit, and self-destruction. An aspiring scientist, Frankenstein entertained the idea of becoming a scientist from a very young age. This ambition becomes more serious when his mother dies as a result of childbirth, and he becomes adamant not on finding a cure for the many terminal diseases that were around at the time (cholera for example), but on finding a cure for death. His motivation is overdriven by emotion, and his ambition is far too powerful for any external factor to counteract. His madness conceives a mechanism to give life after death, to bring a body back to life. It all goes wrong, however, as the monster is rejected immediately by his maker after realising what he has done. The monster attempts to enter society, and even shows quite a rare sense of compassion and love for a family who he hides from, living in their animal-shelter. However, when they reject him, he seeks revenge for the person who gave him this miserable existence. The monster stalks Frankenstein, torturing him, and soon takes his close loved ones away from him. Frankenstein has every element of a successful gothic literary tale. The consequences of Frankenstein’s inhumane actions are emphasised with crystal clarity, in order to turn the reader away from such fantasies as his. Many find this book quite a heavy read at first, but it is certainly a page-turner once you have got into it. Densely packed with many emotions, situations, and events universal to us all, this is a book for everybody who has conceived an idea and been blinded by personal emotion, only to find it spiral wildly out of control. 6 February 2003 GU2 ON FM 19 This is the sound of Guildford:

It’s the third week of FM now and, aside from the balloon launch from the top of the Union and the appearance of SBN’s Craig Pilling, things couldn’t have been more fun. Pete Tivers and Emma Owen bring you an update

WEEK TWO WAS a fantastic week for GU2, its first and Susan Hedges. Susan is a 17-year-old country full week on 107.3 FM broadcasting to Guildford singing sensation who has recently shot to and beyond. We have had some fantastic interviews fame thanks to a front-page report in a national and some even better prize giveaways! The week newspaper. Born premature and blind, she is lucky started brilliantly with an early morning interview to be alive but has gone on to master the piano and with the actress Jane Lucas, one of the stars of guitar, as well as having the voice of an angel. Xan hit comedy series ‘The Office’. Jane is currently was helping to promote her 2nd album ‘Crimson starring in the play ‘Around The World In 80 Love On Velvet Black’. Those old J-Team boys Days’ at the Yvonne Arnaud. Jane, or Sheila as produced this week’s comedy moment. This she is named in The Office, popped into the studio flash of inspiration was achieved by their almost during the popular News With Xan Phillips Show. notorious competition ‘Flush The Mush’. The Also on Monday we had two previously recorded sound of the boys flushing sprout peelings down interviews, one with the band Reuben and the the toilet was a side splitter for all who listened. other with superstar DJ, Brandon Block. Reuben Not only was this week overflowing with aural were in the area to play a gig at the Students Union treats but also GU2 handed out some generous and on the ‘Live’ music night. Brandon Block was impressive prizes. Tickets to Thorpe Park and the guest Djing at the regular Saturday night CAGL. Guildford Odeon Cinema were highlights. It was To cap off a fantastic day, P from The Vibe show also Avril Lavigne week on the J.A.C show with had invited the ex-lead singer of the Brand New Jay, Amelia and Chris (weekdays 3-5pm). The Heavies to star his daily show. Carleen Anderson crew gave away a stack of Avril’s debut album attached and if you find and return these to the radio station graced P with her presence for a whole hour and ‘Lets Go’ in association with HMV in Guildford. there will be special reward prizes. SBN’s ‘The Late Show’ even sung live on his show. GU2 even managed Throughout the week we even gave away … Stop presenter Craig Pilling is coming down from up north to to get the first ever airplay of one of the tracks of Press … the new Will Young album! We must not start proceedings. During CAGL on Friday, Gareth Davies Carleen’s new album Alberta’s Granddaughter. forget Mental giving away loads of cakes (big 6 will also be giving away 5 pairs of tickets for the following As it was Mental Awareness Week on campus inchers not little cup cakes!) on his early breakfast Wednesday night, which is being Dj-ed by three-deck-wonder last week, we were also been blessed with the show (weekdays 6-8am). Carl Cox. During the FM period there will be loads more attendance of possibly all the Sabbaticals and It is almost unbelievable GU2 fitted so much into pairs of Thorpe Park tickets, Odeon tickets, Cakes and loads some of the Union staff. Toni, Rich, Paul and Scott only one week of airplay! During week three we more. Tune in to 107.3 FM and win! were all been in talking about a variety of different intend to carry on where we left off in week two. topics. On Wednesday Pete Tivers interviewed Dr. One of the big highlights for week three is the big Les McMin the Head of the Student Counseling GU2 balloon launch. On Wednesday afternoon at Service at the University. Xan, still thinking he 2pm we will launch 107 balloons off the union wwwdot could do even more in a week filled with thrills roof, to celebrate the fact that we are broadcasting and spills, had interviews with the band Jelutong on 107.3 FM. The balloons will have GU2 fliers gu2dot Who’s on at what time: the full schedule

Below is the full weekly schedule, colour coded to the best of our ability in order to give you an idea of what sort of music each DJ will be playing. If you don’t happen to have a copy of barefacts available to codot check the schedule then log on to www.gu2.co.uk and have a look: all the details will be right there.

107.3FM monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday 06:00 uk Judge Mental’s FM Breakfast Show 07:00 08:00 THE STUDENT BROADCAST NETWORK SHOW WITH NEIL GRAYSON THE GU2 WEEKEND RECOVERY 09:00 Philip Brown and Sabeena Sabir WITH CHRIS 10:00 NEWS WITH XAN PHILLIPS 11:00 Paul Wright Anthony Deluola 12:00 Society Lunch Christine 13:00 THE LUNCH WITH BIG AL & THE SEX MACHINE SUNDAY ROAST 14:00 Naomi Facey 15:00 Chris, Jay & Amelia Lefroy Chris, Jay & Jay & Amelia Chris & Amelia The Christian 16:00 Amelia Amelia Show Jay Butcher S pecialist 17:00 THE EG EARLY EVENING SHOW THE UK STUDENT 18:00 The Weekday Vibe with P mix@six 19:00 Just a rock show Kaz V & Kwab The J-Team Cyclone dance Xin Xin Chris P laylist Beats & Pieces The full sched- 20:00 Beats & Pieces Arun Classic Jay & Woody Hall Take 2 ule for the FM 21:00 Cyclone dance Sex Mickcheese Oli Horton FRIDAY NIGHT CHILLOUT WITH The essence of period, complete D ance with weekend 22:00 Kerrang radio Sex MickCheese BarflyA. Bibiskas in session Barfly in session KISS WITH BAM BAM STEVE JOHNSTONE Jazz listings. To see 23:00 The Presence CMJ who is currently The Dark Side Chris Chang MALCOLM TAYLOR C heese on air at any 00:00 time, check out 01:00 THE STUDENT BROADCAST NETWORK LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG PILLING CAGL the website: BN www.gu2.co.uk 02:00 ACM S 20 INTERACTIVE 6 February 2003

Last Weeks Answer: This was taken just 2 to the right of the door into the Laundrette. Most people would just walk past it, but I Quiz know a lot of people do make mobile calls Welcome once again to the hallowed lyrics quiz. It’s been fairly diverse of late, due in part outside, so would see it. to the different author each week (this week it is Sarah Butterworth, by the way). This Weeks Clue: This is going to be quite The question, as ever, though, is do you think you can do better, because if so you are more easy, so I can’t give much away… all I’ll than welcome to do so. If you would like to write the lyrics quiz, then just do it and send it say is that it is somewhere just off campus. in (to [email protected]). It doesn’t have to be particularly clever, it certainly doesn’t have to be impressive and, what’s more, you can put in there what the heck you like. If you - funkyberry - want Cotton Eye Joe, put it in. If you don’t, don’t. 2 2 If the reason you wouldn’t like to do it is because it would take away a vital part of your barefacts enjoyment, then that is fine.

[1] Want to fly her away where the sun and rain come in over my face, wash away all the shame [2] You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it, you better never let it go [3] I can see it in my own reflection, something funnies going on inside my mind [4] Come and hold my hand, I want to contact the living [5] I’m a shooting star leaping through the skies [6] Haven’t moved from the spot where you left me, it must be a bad trip

[7] Lucky I have strong legs like my mother, to run for cover when I need it [8] Say after me, it’s no better to be safe than sorry

[9] I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve become Who wants to be a millionaire? [10] We’re leaving together, but still it’s farewell well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down “

£100: which of the following pioneered frozen food production? I can’t seem to find the words a: clarence birdseye | b: henrik crowsfoot | c: ivor nestegg | d: william duckbill that’s because this is a word search £200: in ‘The X-Files’, what is Agent Mulder’s first name? a: fox | b: hound | c: tiger | d: wolf women aren’t from venus: men are just aliens; the simple, unequivocal truth £300: in the USA, what are Yellowstone and Yosemite? a: great lakes | b: ivy league colleges | c: new york boroughs | d: national parks

£500: what word describes a person who illegally gains access to private computer systems using a PC? “ a: surfer | b: hacker | c: looker | d: tracker

£1k: what name is given to a hen that is less than one year old? a: henlet | b: chickadee | c: pullet | d: cockerel

£2k: which of these can be described as ovoid? a: coil | b: egg | c: worm | d: kidney

£4k: which cartoon character does Wile E. Coyote normally chase? a: pepe le pew | b: road runner | c: foghorn leghorn | d: porky pig

£8k: of which country was Nicolae Ceausescu the president? a: bulgaria | b: romania | c: hungary | d: east germany

£16k: what does a deltiologist collect? a: postcards | b: stamps | c: ties | d: parking tickets

£32k: in which George Eliot novel does the character Tertius Lydgate appear? a: the mill on the floss | b: adam bede | c: middlemarch | d: silas marner Chris Tarrant vs. Anne Robinson in £64k: how are Dominican monks also known? a bout to decide the world quiz-host a: whitefriars | b: greyfriars | c: blackfriars | d: trappists heavyweight championship of the world. Who would win? Your thoughts, £125k: who scored six goals in the 1903 FA Cup Final? please: [email protected] a: bury | b: derby county | c: everton | d: sheffield united Returning triumphant for the third week is the now familiar wordsearch. £250k: which part in the original ‘Star Wars’ film was played by Peter Mayhew? We, of course, received the grand total of zero e-mails regarding whether a: R2-D2 | b: C-3PO | c: chewbacca | d: darth vader it should be two words, one word or hyphenated, but we were expecting that. So this is a challenge to all you people I see sitting down in Chan- £500k: how many different combinations of dots are used in Braille? cellor’s or picking up your copy from around campus: the first person a: 49 | b: 63 | c: 75 | d: 87 to bring a copy of the completed wordsearch to the media centre (which is in the students’ union) wilil receive a special prize, which might very £1m: which Hollywood star made an early appearance in the 1984 ‘BMX Bandits’? well have something to do with 8mile or it might not. You won’t know a: michelle pfeiffer | b: julia roberts | c: nicole kidman | d: meg ryan until you try it. Otherwise, just e-mail: [email protected]. 6 February 2003 LIFESTYLE 21

ife After The Womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give L a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson…

AFTER driving the minibus for Ski Club EVERYONE has experienced noisy Quiz housemates who keep you ‘entertained’ I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon. As soon as you pull off, people want you to put with loud music, partying, talking... but music on – the music requested is usually I’ve just returned home to the sound of Tony Blair climbed into bed after a in the form of cheese, pop or RnB. Now bagpipes! Yes, someone in Battersea Court long day at the office. Cherie, his as the minibus driver responsible for 15 appears to be playing the bagpipes in their adoring wife, had her back turned other people’s lives, you want to be totally room as I write. Rawson seems to be a to him. relaxed while driving, so you’d rather have rather musical house – at the moment we “What a day, love. I’m knackered. something else on. can boast two violins, an electric violin, How was your day?” THE secret seems to be to leave the electric viola, two full sized pianos, a “Well, I went to How To Not Be diplomatically selected station on for melodica, flute, recorder and several Photogenic class during my lunch- about 10 minutes, then subtly start turning guitars. But I don’t think that even Chris, break and did very well as it hap- the volume down. There will become a who is well known for his piano playing pens. Apparently, in my last five point at which people don’t really notice and singing antics on the floor above, appearances in the national press, that you’ve turned it down, and continue has reached the dizzy heights of bagpipe I only scored above a “passable” laughing and talking. You are now free to playing… yet… once.” select something like Jazz FM, or Radio 3. THE boys on my floor have managed to “Oh, I’m really pleased for you The only problem with the plan above is find another pastime other than ‘playing love.” that the new minibuses have large bright war’ recently – ‘playing playstation’. My “Well, you would be, wouldn’t LCD screens that display JAZZ FM or initial reaction, and that of several other you?” RADIO 3 so clearly, that it can be seen housemates, was to breathe a huge sigh “Why is that, my dear little chicka- The policeman isn’t just there to protect - he’s there to keep the right from the back of the bus. This means of relief – surely nothing can be as loud dee duckling?” peace if things chez Blair get nasty that anyone that is not in the conversation as the ambushes of the final week of last “Because then your ratings sore and will suddenly notice and shout “WHAT semester? Think again. As anyone coming it justifies that little friendship you have with you know who.” THE! WE’RE LISTENING TO JAZZ within about a fifty metre radius of Rawson “Now look - just because George and I get on very well doesn’t mean to FM!!” and they will all demand that you will have heard, the boys of Rawson 2 do say that I’m in any way attracted to him in any sense other than politi- put Crapital FM back on. Don’t worry not take their football computer gaming cal.” however, wait another 10 minutes and you lightly. During the first couple of weeks, the “So there is no truth in the rumour that you, him and his friend Camp can safely change it back again! three of them spent around six hours a day David all spent an evening in the wilderness together?” ALSO, what is it with people sticking things screaming at the TV screen as they scored, “Absolutely not.” in their windows that make it look like saved, tackled and no doubt were awarded “Good.” there is a cardboard cut out stuck in their a few red cards here and there. If the “We went to a ranch.” window? There must be at least 4 campus University football teams had supporters “Oh my goodness - what are the children going to think?” rooms that have cut outs stuck in their that enthusiastic, they’d definitely be onto a “We have children?” window. Wouldn’t it actually be better if winner every time! “Of course we do. Look, I appreciate you are busy and all, but I still you paid a real people to sit there instead? I’M considering making a list of ambitions think that is no reason to forget that we actually have a family to bring There must be some monkeys around that I want to achieve before I graduate in the up.” would do it for very little pay. scarily near future. Every time I look out of “You’re right, darling - it’s just that I have been trying to learn barre IN Battersea Court windows you could stick my window towards Court Reception and chords on my electric guitar and, what with only picking up G7 last the person on the window ledge, and then the GU2 studios I can see a metal ladder week, I’ve had a lot to be thinking about.” put a wire netting thing across from one with a rather bizarre cylindrical casing “P’ah. Don’t you remember when our eldest was brought home after a wall to another. This way you could make at the top just waiting to be climbed. I’m drunken night out in Leicester Square?” sure that the person couldn’t come in your not sure exactly where it leads, but that’s “Now you come to mention it, I think I do. Isn’t it lucky that our family room when it got cold, and if you didn’t all part of the mystery and excitement… name is ‘Blair’?” want to see them you could just shut the after all, having climbed the ‘golf ball’ “Tell me, Tony, why is that?” curtains. Obviously the wire netting would by the lake countless times over the past “Well - Cockney rhyming slang now has a useful addition to its rather be big enough to fit pieces of food through, four years, I should be looking for new humorous library. *Adopts Cockney accent* ‘‘Ere lads - you comin’ and sticks to prod the person when they challenges with which to expand my down Ewan Blair’”? were getting boring. chris hunter horizons… ‘ickle sarah butterworth “What?” “Ewan Blair - Leicester Square. I always use it to remember my sur- name when filling out forms.” “Oh, you really are pathetic.” “Me? At least I’m not the one with the ex-page three girl personal Upside-down answers trainer with a crooked boyfriend that over-shadowed my own press WWTBAM: [£100: a]; [£200: a]; [£300: coverage.” d]; [£500: b]; [£1k: c]; [£2k: b]; [£4k: b]; [£8k: b]; [£16k: a]; [£32k: c]; [£64k: “Look, I’ve told you - I’m a serial practitioner of law: someone asks me c]; [£125k: a]; [£250k: c]; [£500k: b]; a law-related question and I can’t help but advise them. I swear they put [£1m: c]. some sort of drug in those bloody whigs.” Lyrics quiz: [1] Tatu – All the things she said [2] Eminem – Loose yourself [3] “You’ve started wearing a whig? Lord knows (oops - sorry) - goodness Girls Aloud – Sound of the underground knows what the press will say when they find that out.” [4] Robbie Williams – Feel [5] Queen – Don’t stop me now [6] Pink – Just like a “It’s part of my job, you prat.” pill [7] Shakira – Whenever, wherever [8] “Oh, right. You should have said.” A-ha – Take on me [9] Toto – Africa [10] Europe – The final countdown My friend just went to get his eyes tested and found that his prescription has changed a little. Do you know what? He blames it entirely on the size of the font in the answers section of barefacts. So I said to him - “if you knew all the answers then you wouldn’t have to strain your eyes” “You’re such a and he didn’t know what to say to that. twerp, Tony - get The moral? Either buy a magnifying your hands off me.” glass, don’t look at the answers or know Cherie remains all the answers in the first place. unimpressed. LIFESTYLE 6 February 2003

attention: mr|mrs fumble words: victoria venning I wouldn’t say that I was in anyway a feminist, I shave my legs, wear push-up bras and welcome any guy who wants to carry my shopping or open a door for me (sorry to stereotype any feminists out there....) but recently I’ve been noticing an age-old phenomenon occurring more and more frequently; the ‘accidental’ fondle. Now I’m sure most girls know what I’m talking about, and there are probably more The fist site this week is than a few guys out there www.waitallday.com, where you should who’ve experienced it visit if you have a few minutes to spare. The too. The first time this idea is quite a minimalist one, but the really stupid thing about this happens to you, you sit, is that the first time I went to it I actually waited about 5 may feel flattered; at minutes before realising the joke! the facts of life least someone out there Now for this next link I must just say that I in no way finds you attractive and endorse downloading of illegal music, whether for extended doesn’t think you look evaluation or research purposes. Now that’s sorted, pop like a cross between over to http://bigchampagne.com to see exactly what the most popular Anne Widdecombe and songs in the world are. Bigchampagne monitor the Peer2Peer file sharing a camel, but after that it networks to see what people are downloading. They then compile this just gets irritating. You’re information into a weekly top 20 chart. Currently “Cry me a river” by just going about your business (usually in a crowded place a.k.a. the Union), maybe getting Justin Timberland is top of the charts, and “8 Mile” by Eminem is 2nd. a drink from the bar or shuffling around on the dance floor, when you suddenly feel a sly Lastly is the website of an American college girl called Michel. Michel is hand casually caressing your bum, or skimming across your stomach (my personal pet faced with two problems. 1) she can’t decide whether to have a boob job to hate - I don’t particularly like it when someone intimate feels my flabbier bits, but a total improve her 34A bust, 2) she can’t afford to have the boob job. So one day stranger? No thanks.). Having become aware of the intrusion into your personal space, an idea forms in her tiny brain – “why not ask the people on the internet you turn around, only to find that the phantom fondler has totally disappeared or is trying to decide for me, and while I’m at it I’ll try and make them pay for it!”. their hardest to remain anonymous and avoid eye contact. Now that is what I really don’t www.giveboobs.com is her site, where you can vote for your opinion, and understand, if you want to strike up a conversation, then there are other ways of going donate money. So far she has raised $3321.51, so she only needs a further about it, if you are so desperate for physical contact, then go and ask a friend for a hug, but $1178.49 to get the op!! don’t go around groping people who you don’t know for the sake of it and then have the words: chris “funkyberry” hunter cheek to pretend that you didn‘t. And especially don’t use the excuse ‘I was just trying to get past you...’ if you get caught, there really is no need to hold onto my buttock in order to do so. I’m not suggesting we all turn into unapproachable, aloof prudes, however it’s an almost accurate astrology idea to say ‘Hi, how/who are you? etc.’ before you go in for the fumble, don’t you think? because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive Xan and the art of ironed shorts There are reasons why people do not iron their boxer shorts. One is that you are not at home. Ironed underwear equals Aquarius Leo mother and you are beyond her protective guidance. Another Your pet fish was looking decidedly peaky Hand stands in the Union? Whatever next! reason is that after a couple of hours of walking, sitting, last week, so make sure you feed it properly. Really, someone in your position should scratching and more sitting your shorts will be creased You don’t want the embarrassment of trying be able to find a better way to pass your enough so what’s the point? to bury a fish with no spade. And if you don’t have a pet Monday evenings, shouldn’t you? Your obsession with a The point is a state of mind. Slipping on a pair of ironed fish, go out and buy one this week. certain member of staff must also stop at once. boxer shorts is an ideal way of beginning the day. You are saying to your mind: “This is how I intend to start today and Pisces Virgo this is how I mean to go on!” Even after more sparkle cocktails than you See, I told you vegetarian ravioli was Creased shorts, which you have to unfurl to get your feet can count, never say “bite me” to your friend nice. Unfortunately, you might have to see through, are like having an irritation in your brain. You have this week - they might just take it literally, someone about your addiction soon – it’s started the day badly and that’s how it will continue. and you’ll regret it in the morning. But other than that, becoming a bit of a sore point between you and your You could argue that ironing your boxers takes too much your lucky day will be Monday. housemates. time. Well it does add a good twenty minutes to the task but the benefits are positive. Don’t forget that simple, repetitive Aries Libra tasks like ironing are great for thinking through problems, This is the week to finally put an end to your With the sun moving into Libra this week, and maybe even solving them. It is almost a working habit of staring out of the window for hours you will find yourself the centre of attention meditation. on end. Tesco’s will bring you luck (and on Friday, not all of it unwanted. The slave We have to find a moment where we give ourselves time food) this week and your next door neighbour will prove you bought in the RAG week auction will prove to be a to think and ironing is great for creating space for a bit of a useful person to know. useful investment, just make sure you don’t go breaking thought. While you remove the creases from your shorts and those rules… shirts, you can smooth the ones in your mind. Taurus words: xan phillips After the slight downer of last week, by Scorpio Saturday you will be back to your old self After a bit of a quiet one last week, your and raring to go. Make the most of your new night out tomorrow will contain enough found energy (supplemented by the union’s new supply excitement to more than compensate for the of red bull) and make Monday a night to remember. recent lack of entertainment. The bottle bank will be in especially lucky for you at 11.42pm, though stay away next week Gemini from the speakers, you know what happened last time. Get down to the launderette tomorrow – people are starting to notice you haven’t Sagittarius changed your clothes since Tuesday. Luck Things have been getting to you quite a lot will also be on your side, and dryer number 9 will at last lately, so my advice is to go for a quiet walk be free. round the lake and commune with the ducks. ARTS Cancer Capricorn & You’d better start calming down soon, as There is no avoiding the issue, your room your bank balance is starting to show the must be tidied this week. The smell is strain you’ve been putting it under lately. starting to seem through the keyhole, and CULTURE WEEK Cutting down on one of your nights out this week will if you don’t heed my advice then the people from give you a welcome early night, though make sure you environmental health will be paying you a visit by the catch up on all the gossip – it’s going to be flooding in! end of next week. what’s the Union up to now? 6 February 2003 SPORT 23 This week at KickFit: keep healthy and safe

University Sports Leagues New year is the perfect time We had good feedback from Lexden 3 The leagues for this term’s sports start this to give up nasty habits and the self-defence course that UniSPORT Guildford 2 Monday. If you haven’t yet take up new opportunities was run last semester (which received your fixtures please contact Dave and lifestyle changes. I for I couldn’t make) but Kickfit Hitchcock at the Sport Centre one am very happy to have sounds even more appealing. UNISPORT GUILDFORD’S PROGRESS in the t: [68]9201 | e: [email protected] returned to yoga and started It’s a fusion of self defence, NSL took a dent as they lost a tight game to Please can you turn up on time for your doing a bit of volunteering. martial arts and kick boxing current national league champions Lexden games and if you are unable to play your I feel better physically and techniques and it’s energetic at the Varsity Centre. game let the us know. have enjoyed putting myself TONI BORNEO enough to do your heart to good use– which does some good (and will certainly Sarah Kippax had a long journey from VICE PRESIDENT EDUCATION wonders for your sense of do your wobbly bits good, Manchester and was always in for a tough New courses AND WELFARE worth. too). Even better, because time against Rebecca Macree Although she Yoga - Due to the high demand for yoga this Anyway – yesterday, I had a it’s not a course, you can pop lost 3 – 0 Sarah showed why she is one of term we have added an 8 week course on conversation with Jayne Morris, who runs along for free with a paid up campuscard the up and coming stars in the game. Wednesday’s at 8pm. Join now at the Sport the Kickfit class at UniSport and something (or pay £3 on the door) as and when you’re Next on court was former UniS student Centre. occurred to me. I still wouldn’t have a clue free so it’s not even a commitment. and current Varsity no.1 Mick Biggs. Mick Self defence starts on 9th Feb, 3 - 4pm at how to defend myself from assault, which It’s on Tuesdays and Thursday’s at 7.30pm delighted the home crowd in his second the Sport Centre. This 5 week course is open is something I’ve been meaning to learn for at UniSport. Maybe I’ll see you there… National League appearance of the season to males and females and practices simple a long time and never really got around to. [email protected] and kept his 100% record in tact winning self defence methods and how to avoid 3 – 1 against Chris Smith. Mick is also in dangerous situations. the qualifying rounds of this years nationals The KickFit class is a fusion of many different martial arts, as starting next week. well as some aspects of boxing and kick-boxing. It caters for A shock came when Neil Frankland lost to the difficulties many people experience trying to make it week UNISPORT EVENTS Paul Allen for the first time in 15 meetings. after week to follow a particular pursuit and allows people to This proved to be game that snatched it Valentines Dinner come to the class whenever they can make it. It is therefore an for Lexden. Despite Stacey Ross beating Friday 14th February | Varsity Bar ideal way for people to learn the rudimentary skills of many of Lexden captain Tony Hands 3 – 2, Steve National League Squash the martial arts without having to commit to weeks of courses, Meads found it tough against the player Tuesday 18th February | Varsity Centre as well as being a great way of developing basic self-defence ranked 8 places above him and the towering Latino Evening skills. It is ideal for both men and women. figure of David Evans and lost 3 – 1. Friday 21st February | Varsity Bar A normal one-hour session would involve 20 minutes of UniSPORT’s last home game of the season 6 Nations Rugby cardiovascular warm-up, 20 minutes of partner-work and then is against Chichester on 18th February. Throughout 02 & 03 | Varsity Bar an extensive warm-down. The partner-work - which is both This is your last chance to see World Class same-sex and opposite sex - involves using a lot of the new UniSport equipment, such as Squash until October so book your tickets For more information, check out: punch-bags and punch-pads, and can help to develop coordination and reflexes, as indeed now by calling the Varsity tel. (68)9242. www.unisport.co.uk can the entire class. UniSPORT Cardholders get free entry! The instructor is Jayne Morris, a final year student who has many years of martial arts ex- perience. There is a strong history of martial arts in her family and this has resulted in her gaining black belts in karate and Taekwondo. She trains regularly with the UniS Taekwondo team and is a certified instructor for Kickbox Fitness™; she has also been recognised by BUSA as a “sports person of a high standard whilst studying” during her time at UniS. There personals are also many other qualifi- cations she holds that are too numerous to mention. Anyone seen Trevor the big fluffy bunny with who? recently?!! ava four for four pounds was good, but If you have never practised pete likes spicy thai! where was my snack bite and black. I’m martial arts before, or if never playing 21 with you lot again, Mr you are currently a prac- Yeah, what about them? Why can’t I see Salty heh?! tising martial artist, then them, huh? What about all the photos there is no harm in trying since then? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE Jim- you got any more sisters willing to out KickFit. For more WITH THEM ALL??1!! strip....1 2 3 to my left! details, see Toni’s article above or contact UniSport Hi everybody, I’m looking for people with I think there was something on my roof on [01483] [68]9275 or log a PS2 to exchange games, tricks, codes or this morning. Anyone see it? on to www.unisport.co.uk. whatever related to PS2 world. Email men at [email protected] and If Lost: half a pair of trainers. If found please we are enough we could start a Society. C contact [email protected] the Surrey Ninjutsu Club, Dance Studio Tina please don’t send Uncle Carrington U. in the Sports Centre Sunday 12-3 the hitman or I won’t be able to serve u Look I’ve got ginger hair, not the most drinks anymore!! Oh yeah..... I forgot.... u Happy Birthday Lazza, we hope you have convincing John Travolta! I wanna work in channies again...roll on aint being served anymore!!! a great day. Love from us all mwah xxx next year! Win 2 ROAST DINNERS on Jolly Jay’s Old Boy Mansion - the legend continues. missed you more than words can say mr B Saturday Show 4-6PM 107.3 FM GU2 Ollie, next year 120 Walnut Tree Close Paris 2003, come and get a piece of the LARGE!!!! pie!!! pumbamanda-chunda Set U Free - N-Trance in the union lalala Flippin’ Marvellous mental note: never take advice on meeting Limegreensexyrandychocolatesaltyandy Blockster sucked...DINGLEY & DAVIES your other half’s parents for the first time pandylicksscarymarcoallthe15securitygu ROCKED!! Happy Birthday guys! Pete woke up with a stiff one! It’s lasted from Vixxi!!! ardswrestlingnaked....you know who you all day! are ;) Wake up with Mental caressing your ears! would the owner of one iBook please stop 6 till 8 every Monday-Friday 107.3 FM so then who froze the sea monkeys!!! boasting about it and pretending to be thanks to miss no strings for putting a a geek because we all know you’re not smile on pauls face ALL day J-Team pub crawl on friday night Yang Wang beware of Uncle hitman!!! really and your girlfriend will start to feel woohoo! neglected. Roughton and Vicki what really did Happy 19th Birthday Pickles!! Love happen last term? Who was obsessed Calling all freshers...come and check ou Turtle ok. sorry. i’ll just watch a dvd in bed... 24 6 February 2003 SURREY PRIDE Women’s football go from strength to strength

ON SUNDAY 26TH January, the women’s BY NAT TARRANT football team played a friendly against Royal Holloway. This was in preparation University of Surrey 7 for our first BUSA league match after Royal Holloway 2 Christmas. It turned out to be an 8 a side game since Holloway could only manage to bring 6 players! Being the sporting side University of Surrey 4 that we are, we decided to give them two of Brunel 1 our players in order to make the game worth playing. Unfortunately, not being able to make the positions on the left and was determined to game myself, I was informed that everybody hit the back of the net but managed to put a played extremely well. Heather worked couple of shots just wide of the post. very hard up front creating some excellent We were definitely the better side, however chances both for herself and others. Beast Brunel scored first with a well taken goal. made an excellent comeback, returning from It didn’t take us long to equalise though. her placement in USA. She played some This time Beast’s shot was on target and the good through balls and made lots of runs up keeper had no chance. front. Carly and Becky played for Holloway In the second half we kept the ball on the and even though they didn’t see much of the floor and were able to break down Brunel’s ball, they put in some good challenges. defence a lot more. I made the most of some Player of the match was Little Rach. She poor goal kicks and eventually managed to hasn’t been playing much first team football score to take us into the lead and become this year but has continued to come training the leading goalscorer for the team. That Above: the University of Surrey women’s football team whose latest matches have and all her hard work paid off as she scored didn’t last long though as Linda managed resulted in excellent victories. To read the full match reports, see left. her first ever goal! to slot the ball under the keeper to make it On Wednesday we played our first BUSA level again. Collette added a birthday goal match against Brunel. It was freezing cold to ensure the game was ours. and there was a strong wind blowing across Player of the match was really hard to decide A day in the life of a rower the pitch. Once we settled down, we started since everybody played really well. Ally to put some good passing moves together. and Kim at the back were solid as always Collette played some good balls through to but eventually it was awarded to Steff who MY NAME IS Simon Granshaw and I am the forwards who were unlucky not to score. made several well timed challenges to keep captain of University of Surrey Boat Club. Beast was getting into some excellent Brunel out of the game. This is an insight into what the Boat Club does during a normal week. Most days I am up quite early Between 5am and 7am, to go for our morning training, which either comprises a run, training Imperial march on the ergo (rowing machine) or ‘on the water’ training at Walton-on-Thames. At the on Stag Hill moment the total number of session we do per week is 8, but we have done as much as SATURDAY 25TH JANUARY saw Imperial College 13 sessions during peak competition period. Above: Simon Granshaw AC (also known as the Jedi Bowmen and After training, I have a shower and have arguably the strongest University Archery breakfast. Mmm breakfast! One great thing hugely rewarding when you get the results: club in the region) come and visit the Stag both clubs were also up there to be shot at about being a rower is the amount of food Getting a silver Medal at last years BUSA Hill Archers, UniS’s own Rebel alliance for – well photos of them any way. you can eat! I usually consume 5000 calories championship is one I will never forget! You a “friendly” a fixture that has been brewing In the end (as expected) Imperial won a day, about twice the recommended amount have to be very physically and mentally fit, for several months now. The friendly the overall team event (commiserations to of an adult male! Breakfast is usually, 6-10 and have a good positive outlook to succeed. threatened to turn nasty when Imperial saw David J., Nadia K., Barry C., and James Weetabix, a banana, and a very large glass of Also not being to clumsy helps, when you what kind of a range we can put together S., who made up the Surrey team). In the Orange juice. are sitting in bits of kit worth more than a (thanks to the help and support of Unisport) novice section however, Surrey retained Being a physics student lectures nearly good family car! but this jealousy was short lived. its honour thanks to Barry C., Richard P. always start at 9am. The day that follows This year we have a great bunch of The hall was almost at capacity with 30 of and Tim F. (Thanks must go to Ian McG. is pretty hectic: I normally finish at 6pm. fresher’s, who are really enthusiastic and are the 32 positions being filled, 15 from each for providing prizes for these categories). During the day I organise squads, training definitely going to go out and start winning, side (with Imperial boasting of the large As has been mentioned before it was a and liase with the coaches as well as doing just wait for the race reports! But we still number of stay at homes that were unable to funshoot and so thanks must go to Nadia my coursework. At weekends we are ‘on the need new members. So if you want to work attend), and a Judge from each team (in the K. and David J. who provided prizes for water’ in the morning for about 3 hours with hard, and you want to win, the Boat Club form of Imperial’s coach Ian McGibbon, and Best Novices and Best Handicap Score, our coach Phil Costen. is the place for you! Please contact me on our own Andy Philcox), keeping control. respectively. Again honours were even in On most days we have another training [email protected]. The shoot itself passed very smoothly these categories, with Imperial and Surrey session in the gym of weights, circuits or despite the postponed start and the archers winning one each: Barry C. gaining a box of ergo’s. This usually takes the form of being Sports writers and are to be commended for their discipline in Celebrations for winning the Novice Gents, between 1-2 hours of pain, meaning I finish match reports keeping to the predicted time despite the and Adam B. winning a Toblerone for best up at about 8 and make the trip home. Once lack of a timer (this being a friendly after improvement. I get home I have another huge meal, usually all). Lessons to be learnt: 1) Imperial spawn pasta and relax in front of the TV, go and If you are interested in writing Whilst various members of the club like blowflies (their words); 2) Never see my girlfriend or go out for a quick drink sports articles for barefacts or if scurried to get the results sorted for the prize discount the underdog; 3) We’ll have them down the local with my mates. Rowing you have a sports story/match giving, an impressive array of chocolate, next year! takes up a large amount of time, but it is report, then please email our new balloons and a dart face or two for those [PS Happy Birthday to Laura Borrer-Closs important to wind down and relax to keep a sports editor, Eddison Ruswa on who fancied a game, were put up to keep the of Imperial who very kindly invited us to her healthy balance. archers happy. Committee members from birthday party.] Rowing is a hard sport, but it is one that is [email protected]