SPECIAL ISSUE F Newsmagazine02

Earrings by Teddie Bernard &z. (zeinab ajasa) &z. (zeinab

INCONSISTENT: Man-Made Love by Wayne Degen honeymilk: page two & three by by & three two page honeymilk:

Love is: A Wonderful Feeling

“Love is when someone or something makes your heart skip a What is little.” Love? by Mimi Ozormoor “Love is a freedom in a sense. When you love yourself or someone else, it’s relieving.” F Newsmagazine03 Love & Other Disgusting Dating App Openers

by Monica Gong

It’s the beginning of a time like no other in Chicago: The 5. Public Sex: Part 2: The unfortunate chlamydia incident … lakefront is heating up, vaccines are rolling out, and we’re I had to read it, and now so do you! Note to self: Avoid Aisle 7 gearing up for a hedonistic summer. Unfortunately, dating at every Walgreens within a 50-mile radius. apps’ swipe-and-scroll methodology allow for a cesspool of less-than-desirable messages. Here are some of the crudest and cringiest interactions from the virtual dating world, sub- mitted by you, the members of the SAIC community. 1. The Male Gazer: An unforgettable opener continues the ugly tradition of obscene sexualization. A friendly reminder to never forget the all-powerful block button.

2. Public Sex: Part 1: The person who was strangely enthusi- astic about public sex during a worldwide pandemic. Social 6. A Persistent Horniness: The person who wasted neither distancing: Many of us are in need of a remedial lesson. time nor words. We should all aspire to be as efficient as them.

3. The Apologetic Admirer: Be careful not to fall into the paradox of rueful compliments like this person. Seduce with 7. Cyber Stockholm Syndrome: Sometimes it gets to a point confidence, besties! where you have to delete Tinder and call your therapist. Don’t be embarrassed, it happens to the best of us.

4. How to Fall in Love at First Swipe: Step 1: Fall head over heels with a carefully curated profile. Step 2 (Optional): Mes- sage each other. Step 3: Never speak again.

Illustration by Chanina Katz Monica Gong (BAVCS 2023) is an amateur student, professional shitposter, and lover of all things Internet. You can find her and her puppy, Meelo, on any dating app if you look hard enough. F Newsmagazine04 o on a D te nside a Pain ing! Romantic escapades with the Art Institute of Chicagoʼs new magical painting portals. by Ben Kim Paplham The dating scene has never been harder. Thankfully, here at the Art Institute of Chicago, we have you covered. For a limited time only, we are proud to introduce our line of immersive, virtual reality painting dates. Just like Bugs Bunny, you too can hop into “A Sunday on La Grande Jatte” and not just learn about pointillism, but be pointillism. Having trouble deciding where to take your romantic partner? No worries! Let the AIC oﬀer a few pointers.

1. A Romantic Landscape with a Ruined Castle Robert Adam, 1778 – 1787 Have you ever looked at a bunch of rubble and thought, “Hey this looks like prime courtship material?” Well, you and Daisy Miller are not alone. At the AIC, we oﬀer a wide variety of ruined castles, temples, churches, colliseums, and mausoleums for you and your beloved to explore in your courtship. Wander through the lush forest outside this literal castle on a hill, or enjoy a delicious picnic in the throne room as you and your special monarch roleplay the most extravagant window-shopping real estate experience of your life. And if youʼre into that sort of thing, bring a bunch of friends along and play Dungeons and Dragons in an actual castle. Basic package (1 day): $50.00 Deluxe package (1 week): $300.00

2. Croquet Scene Winslow Homer, 1866

Before there was Among Us, Fortnite, or Settlers of Catan, “game night” for respect- able peoples involved bonnets, puﬀy dresses, suit jackets, and heatstroke. Discover for yourself why Heather Chandler always insisted on being red in everyoneʼs favorite backyard game, croquet, or as we like to call it — homebrew mini-putt. Ask that ﬁne young gentleman if he really didnʼt nudge that yellow ball with his foot when he thought the ladies werenʼt looking, and gossip with the upper crust of Basic package (1 round): $20.00 American society about what they really think of the Civil Right Acts of 1866. Deluxe package (3 rounds): $50.00

5. Are They Thinking about the Grape? (Pensent-ils au raisin?)

François Boucher, 1747 3. Nightlife Archibald John Motley Jr., 1943 Are they? Sometimes what you and your partner need is a lively night Basic package on the dance ﬂoor. Throw down your sickest 2021 dance (10 minutes): $5.00 moves and introduce the Nae Nae, Gangnam Style, or the Deluxe package Floss to the dancers of 1943. But come dressed in burgundy (1 hour): $25.00 tones or you will royally screw up the color code of this Premium package Bronxville cabaret. (Note: Visitors must show your ID to the (1 day): $100.00 staﬀ before entering this painting.)

Basic package (1 night + 2 lemon shots): $60.00 Deluxe package (Basic + rental clothes and your choice of 10 assorted hats): $120.00

4. Study for the Hall of Medical Sciences Mural at the 1939 Worldʼs Fair in 6. Recluse Dwellings in the Autumn Mountains New York Mi Wanzhong, 1621 Ilya Boltowsky, 1938 – 39 (Ming Dynynasty 1368 – 1644)

Have you ever wanted to be a triangle? Well, now you can be! Sometimes the best romance is found where literally nobody Feel the indescribable feeling of two-dimensional existence else can ﬁnd you. For a limited time, the AIC is accepting as you hover in uncharted hammerspace, isolated from applications for their Autumn Mountain Recluse Residency, a spatial recognition and time, living as we are truly meant to self-quarantine period of 12 months for you and a special guest. live: oblique shapes with no ulterior motive or agenda. Be And yes, that special someone can be a pet! Unfortunately, the the triangle you were always meant to be. This may become AIC is unable to provide applicants with a stipend or a meal a very erotic exercise. plan at this time. Applicants are strongly advised to have prior experience in camping, ﬁshing, mountain hiking, and putting Basic package (1-2 lines): $1,000.00 up mosquito netting. Deluxe package (3-5 lines): $3,000.00 Premium package (round shapes): $10,000.00 Application fee: $35

Ben Kim Paplham (MFA 2021) is a poetic playwright, a settler of Catan, and has a 99 speed in NBA2K F Newsmagazine06 Tiny Love Stories: SAIC Edition Could you write a love story in 150 words or less?

Inspired by the New York Times column, “Modern Love,” three SAIC community members share tiny love stories that broaden the meaning of love. Edited by Ishani Synghal.

My life now revolves around running. To Garret: Weʼre still in the first phase of love, with fire and A year and a half ago, we were in Italy and I sat next to you passion perhaps because, running and I have only on the bus for the first time. I started bitching and you sat been together for six months. quietly and listened. One pandemic, countless mental break- I come from Seoul, Korea, where I have to check downs, a 2 a.m. emergency room visit (which you so rudely the fine dust level everyday. In the midst of winter missed), the birth of our dog-son, and a few drunken dance break, I realized I needed to take advantage of living parties have passed. Iʼm still bitching, but this time, youʼre in a place with clean air. bitching too. Looking forward to years and years of bitching Running and I went through different phases to together, bestie! keep our relationship going and we now have one of the most healthy relationships that Iʼve ever been in. Love, Monica I seek out running as much as possible, making it a part of my life. In return, it grounds me. No matter how shitty, unaccomplished, or anxious I feel, it — Monica Gong (BFA, ʼ23) makes me feel okay, even happy. For all of that, I want to tell running: Thank you for helping me get through life and teaching me The most intense love a tween from 2011 can feel is the what a healthy relationship should be like. I love you love for a boy band, and I was certainly one of those and I hope you stay in my life as long as possible. tweens. One Direction came into my life from the local ra- Iʼm going to do my best to keep my knees healthy. dio station and infiltrated from there. Not even Zayn Malik leaving the band via Facebook post on my 15th birthday — Hwiy Chang (BFA, ʼ22) could break me from their spell—I was hooked. I spent more than half of my teenage years going to concerts, stay- ing up late for album drops, and spending way too much money at 1D world in Mall of America.

So, to the silly boyband: I love you.

— Peyton Resner (BFA, ʼ22)

Illustration by Cortney Anderson F 07Newsmagazine Five of my Beloved Chicago Restaurants

These restaurants powered me through the pandemic, and deserve your business. by Adam Mac

Listen. Itʼs been a rough year and a half — I donʼt think I Stellaʼs Diner need to convince anybody of that. Between class, two jobs, $$; American; Dine-in; 3042 N. Broadway climate change destroying my hometown, and a pandemic, Being from Texas, I spend most of the school Iʼm in a constant state of stress. How do I avoid exploding year missing Southern food and hospitality. I donʼt into flames, you ask? I eat. I come from a long line of people 3know if Iʼd say Stellaʼs replicates that comfort, but I certainly who express and receive care through food, so for me, the feel right at home when Iʼm in one of their booths. The most effective way to remedy exhaustion is with a good meal. portions are filling, the staff is sweet, and their country-fried Here are five restaurants that help prevent my sponta- steak is delicious. Not to mention the perfect location— neous combustion — which I guess is also called love: thereʼs a killer bubble tea place across the street.

BienMeSabe Venezuelan Arepa Bar Siam Noodle & Rice $; Venezuelan; Quick bite/takeout $; Thai; Dine-in/takeout; 4142 N. Broadway Loop/multiple locations An historic, family-owned restaurant thatʼs near This is an ode to the manager of my go-to place and dear to my heart. My auntʼs been eating here in the1 Loop. Thank you for always recognizing me when I since4 the ʼ80s, so we always visit when sheʼs in the neigh- pass your window— rain or shine, winter or summer, even borhood. We love their fried chicken and sticky rice— itʼs with my mask on— and putting my usual order into the deep our go-to order, and the best summer food. (I dream of that fryer. Love is the crunch the tequeños make when I bite into crispy skin!) Pair it with their tom kha kai, pad ka prao, or them. Itʼs the ridiculous amount of Caribbean cheese you put pad kee mao and youʼve got yourself a five-star meal. on my plantains. Itʼs the way your arepas keep me full for the rest of the day. Crisp $$; Korean; Takeout; 2940 N. Broadway Litoʼs Empanadas When Iʼm in the mood for Korean fried chicken, $; Mexican; Quick bite/takeout this is my favorite place to go. The experience is Loop, Little Italy, Lincoln Park 5always sweet! The first time I ate at Crisp, they were 30 min- A triple threat of freshly fried dough, vibrant fla- utes from closing and still getting a steady flow of customers. 2vors, and consistent quality. Shoutout to Litoʼs for feeding my They made my fries as soon as I walked in so that theyʼd be household on the days my roommates and I are too worn out fresh, and threw in three extra jumbo drumsticks with my to cook dinner. Their chorizo and cheese empanadas lift the order. I always feel like Iʼve seen old friends when I weariness from my shoulders, and their spinach empanadas come here. could raise the dead. When I pass on from this putrid world, remember to place one at my altar— and donʼt forget the aji verde.

Illustration by Lela Johnson Alinda “Adam Mac” is a Vietnamese writer, performer, and cowboy enthusiast from Houston, Texas. If her art career doesnʼt work out, she and her father plan to open a noodle shop. F Newsmagazine08 A Perfect Plate For Two Waiting tables and ﬁ nding love: Are they really so diﬀ erent? by Olivia Canny

There are few places as rampant with The customer winced and his companion exhausted, disenchanted twenty-some- laughed. Cheap wine aside, I think he things as a) dating apps and b) the food might just prefer servers who are less than service industry. amicable, so as not to interfere with his Sometimes, youʼll hear a seasoned seduction. (Iʼm not his type, but one time, he server speak about a new restaurant tried to pick up one of my co-workers while job as if they had returned to their exʼs his date was in the bathroom.) bedroom. “I thought I was done aft er But what is a Bumble vulture to do, last time, but here I am again.” Thereʼs especially when the shuttered bars of a a certain muscle memory to working pandemic obstruct the only bridge to their in hospitality that remains pretty bedroom? Turns out, they build their own interchangeable between restaurants. Itʼs bars at BYOB restaurants. I canʼt tell you how not so diff erent from the emotional script many fi rst dates I waited on, and then waited of serial courtship. to end, none of them bold enough to say, At the restaurant where I work, thereʼs “Hey, maybe we should go hang out at my a regular customer who dates with a place instead of sitting here cooing about process as regimented as any dinner our hopes and dreams while the busboy service aspires to be. He comes in at furiously mops around us.” least once a week, sometimes twice, and always with a diff erent girl. He brings one red and one white bottle of Winking Owl wine, the cheapest brand sold at ALDI for $2.95 a pop. I know this because I buy it too, and in one attempt to make conversation while I unscrewed its synthetic cork, I exposed its aff ordability.

Illustration by Chanina Katz F 09Newsmagazine

There’s a certain muscle memory to working in hospitality that remains pretty Some couples really do come to eat, interchangeable between though. You can tell a lot about their ’ chemistry by the way they behave when restaurants. It s not so the food takes longer than they expect it different from the emotional to. On a busy night, the only sight more script of serial courtship. relieving than an order of food appearing in the service window is the customersʼ hands outstretched towards one another or their Love is messy, beginning to end. heads jolting back in laughter, too lost in Accidentally liking a tagged photo from each otherʼs company to care. a highschool debate tournament, two Recently, I waited on a couple who told suitcases and a one-way plane ticket, “You me that I had served them months earlier, were home all day watching ʻCriminal on their very ﬁ rst date. The longer they sat Mindsʼ reruns so why the hell am I looking without food, the deeper they seemed to at a sink full of dishes” messy. charm each other, and the more convinced I Food service is also messy. Collapsing became that they were soulmates and I their into bed with hair coated in barbecue soul-server, or something like that. But they sauce, a subtle teardrop landing on one ate every bite, and when I brought them the of six separate checks, “My feet are numb bill, I told them I hoped to see them next but if I donʼt book it to the last train before time. One replied: “You wonʼt. Iʼm moving to midnight then Iʼll have to spend a third of Europe next week.” what I just made on an Uber” messy. But one forgives, and the other does not. Love lets you pick your partnerʼs hair out of the omelette they cooked for you, and still enjoy every bite. Food service asks you for a refund.

Olivia Canny (MANAJ 2021) is the News and Podcast editor at F. She likes taking long walks on Google Street View. F Newsmagazine10

Old Friend by Sorin Sukumaran F Newsmagazine11 Summer of L ve: Streaming Watchlist Five titles on romance, family, self-discovery, and grief to add to your list Violet Evergarden (2018); Netflix series by Angelica Ong Violet is an emotionally stunted young woman Love takes many forms — from familial love to romantic 3. who grew up on the battlefi eld as a child soldier. love, self-discovery to grief. Here are 5 stories about love: She begins adjusting to society by working as an “Auto Mem- ory Doll,” an amanuensis (a literary or artistic assistant) who helps clients articulate their feelings in letters. Each episode Move to Heaven (2021); Netfl ix series touches upon diff erent kinds of love, from a hesitant romance “Move to Heaven” is based on an essay by Kim Sae- of two young lovebirds to an unwavering love of a mother for 1. byul, a former trauma cleaner. The protagonist, Han her daughter. Geu-ru, is a 20-year-old with Asperger syndrome who works at his fatherʼs company, cleaning out the possessions of the Beautiful Boy (2018), Feature film recently deceased. Then, Geu-ruʼs father passes away, and his estranged half-uncle, Jo Sang-gu resurfaces. Alongside This fi lm is based on the memoirs by father and Geu-ru, Sang-gu struggles with unresolved traumas which 4. son David and Nic Sheff , detailing Nicʼs experience impede him from fully grieving his half-brotherʼs death. with addiction, rehab, and recovery. The signifi cance of this fi lm lies not in illuminating the harrowing path of recovery that Each episode focuses on one job, revealing stories of the Nic and his family have to take. It emphasizes the destruction to departed through what is left behind. Told with emotional Nicʼs physical health, personal relationships, and psychological depth, it forces us to confront our mortality and contem- well-being, and highlights the immeasurable love, patience, plate the people and possessions that survive us in death. and perseverance his father needed to bring him back.

Navillera (2021); Netﬂ ix series Stutterer (2015); Short ﬁ lm “Navillera” tells the story of Shim Deok-chul, This short centers around Greenwood, a man 2.a 70-year-old retired mailman who resolves to 5.whose rich inner thoughts are rendered mute pursue his secret, lifelong dream of doing ballet, much to by his severe stutter. He experiences immense frustration the disapproval of his family. At the dance academy, he and social isolation — but on Facebook, his relationship encounters Lee Chae-rok, a talented 23-year-old whose with his online girlfriend Ellie flourishes. When she asks financial and emotional struggles impede him from per- to meet him in-person, though, Greenwood begins to forming at his best. “Navillera” lovingly maps the friend- worry. “Stutterer” serves up a heartwarming romance, ship that develops between Deok-chul and Chae-rok, and proving that disability does not bar someone from being how they continually inspire each other through their just as deserving of love and a sense of belonging. immense passion for ballet.

Designed by Justine Guzman Angelica Ong (BFA 2023) dreams of teleporting, freezing time, and having a bottomless pit of a stomach F Newsmagazine12 Target's Fugly Pride

Pride Gender-Inclusive Adult Lookbook Patches Print Button-Down Camp Shirt Rating Targetʼs rainbow crapitalism. I have learned two things from this shirt. by First, saying “yo” and “OMG” is apparently a queer thing, and not something almost everyone does on a daily basis. Secondly, saying “YASSS” is also apparently a queer June has rolled around once more, and thing and not actually an AAVE phrase, a you know what that meansmeans —— itʼsitʼs PridePride debate which continues to rage on, due to Month! Unfortunately, itʼs also that time mostly cis white gay men appropriating it of year when major corporations perfor- from the Black community. matively plaster the rainbow fl ag over Well, okay, no. Iʼve learned one thing everything so they can pretend that they from this shirt, and itʼs that rainbow capital- donʼt ignore LGBTQ+ people for the other ism really doesnʼt have do any R&D before 11 months of the year. designing their yearly clothing lines. Yikes. One of the most widespread examples is Targetʼs Pride-themed clothing collec- tion, whose blinding rainbow hues appear on the racks every June like clockwork Pride Gender-Inclusive Adult (and then disappear without a trace on RuPaul Tank Top July 1, also like clockwork). What designs does Target off er this year? Six years aft er Love Drag Race? Love fracking? Donʼt Obergefell v. Hodges, is rainbow capital- worry, Targetʼs got the tank top that will ism fi nally learning the actual ins and outs allow you to express both those interests of good fashion design? Letʼs fi nd out. at the same time.

Pride Gender-Inclusive Adult Bucket Hat Oh, god, the corporations are learning. Theyʼve somehow managed to fi nd a way to cut even more corners and use rainbow tie-dye to vaguely gesture towards the Pride fl ag, even though the arrangement of those colours does not remotely resemble the Pride fl ag, and could be mistaken for one of those overpriced skater-boy bucket hats youʼd see on sale for $80 at Zumiez. But hey, e-boys and hypebeasts, I guess this is your chance to get something in your style for much, much cheaper than youʼre used to.

Illustration by Cortney Anderson F Newsmagazine13

Pride Gender-Inclusive Adult ʻAllyʼ Short Sleeve T-Shirt Pride Gender-Inclusive Adult ʻProud Parentʼ Short Sleeve Graphic T-Shirt Nowhere in LGBTQIA+ does the A stand for “ally,” but go off I guess. This is, by far, the most uselessly vague piece of rainbow capitalism clothing Iʼve ever seen. That rainbow is so pathetically childish that it looks like the wearer is announcing that theyʼre the parent of a cheerfully babbling incontinent toddler, rather than a (possibly fully-grown) queer person. And … “Proud Pride Gender-Inclusive Adult Parent”? That doesnʼt say anything! My par- Rainbow Novelty Suit & Tie Set ents said they were proud parents when I got into SAIC. They also misgender me daily. What in the 100%-polyester, scratchy, non-ab- sorbent, kind-of-smelly, searingly-bright, ex- Too close to home/10 tremely-lazy-rainbow-design hell is this?! I have not known peace since I laid eyes on this Pride Gender-Inclusive Adult suit. In fact, I am unsure that any self-respect- Animal Print Short Sleeve Woven ing person, regardless of their sexual orienta- Button-Down Shirt tion, would be caught dead in this suit. The act This is the only piece of Pride merch Iʼve of putting on this suit could probably double seen all month that I … honestly quite like. as an act of self-fl agellation. If those extremely Iʼm pretty sure this was the only item of masochistic Christians from olden times who clothing in Targetʼs entire Gender Inclusive wore sackcloth vests to torture themselves Pride line that was designed by an actual existed now, they could probably just wear queer person. Those blue and pink hues this suit instead. actually complement each other. And those In all seriousness, this is exactly the kind illustrations? Theyʼre not only cute, but also of Pride-themed clothing that refl ects just represent something originating from, and how poorly and shallowly major corpora- pertinent to, a certain niche of the LGBTQ+ tions view the LGBTQ+ community. These community (namely, colloquial terms used so-called Pride clothing lines mostly consist to describe diff erent types of gay men). of poorly-thought-out, cheaply-made, slap-a- On the one hand, the design of this shirt is rainbow-on-it-and-call-it-Pride clothes that so stealthily Pride-related that Iʼm unsure if you could only conceivably wear a few times it should even be considered part of a Pride because theyʼre so ostentatiously impracti- clothing line — if you wore this shirt in a room cal, or they fall apart aft er a few washes. This full of cishet people Iʼm sure most, if not all of is proof that rainbow capitalism will never, them, would not think of bears and chickens as ever be good enough. Iʼm done. remotely related to gay culture. On the other Are you kidding me?!/10 hand, this is the kind of shirt you can wear all year round, whose design isnʼt lazy and or overly ostentatious. Maybe rainbow capitalism is only bad most of the time.

Nestor Kok (MFA VCD 2022) is the SAIC editor at F Newsmagazine. He is the current reigning champion of wearing Birkenstocks in inappropriate weather. F Newsmaazine14

What is love to you? Love is:

Write, draw, or glue your answer here! (There are no wrong answers) F Newsmagazine questi 15 nship ons, a atio nsw el er r r e u d o .. Y .

My ex and I broke up 22 years ago, on Dear Performing Love, Qfriendly terms. We used to work in the same industry, and recently, I ran into her again ARelationships are like scaling a wall without at her workplace (a big white room in which knowing whatʼs on the other side. Do you feel she sits and stares at people). I was really a competitive streak between you and your glad to see her, and she seemed happy to see beloved? It might be time to focus on yourself, me, but she also started crying. Whatʼs my live in the present, emancipate your identity next move? from your e. You might even want to ﬁ le a lawsuit against her in ﬁ ve years or so. Rest Sincerely, assured, no wall can go on forever, and few Performing Love are as tall as they seem.

I have everything Iʼve ever wanted — fame, Dear Bound 2 Self-Sabotage, Qmoney, a beautiful family with a reality A TV show of their own. But I feel like Iʼm at This might be a tall order, even for a crossroads. I just wanna feel liberated! Jesus. They tell us that true liberation Should I go back to college, rebrand myself is found within, but thatʼs a lie. You need on Twitter as a Trump fanatic, or run for wide open spaces, a libertarian taxation president? structure, small town philosophy, maybe a couple of horses. Whatever you do, Sincerely, keep up the PARTYNEXTDOOR Bound 2 Self-Sabotage features (please, for the rest of us).

People are mocking my art because they Dear 01110110101 Qhate my baby daddy so much. Itʼs not my fault he wants to evade taxes by colonizing AI have a proposition for you. It seems that Mars. Do I think it will ever happen? I mean, your appreciation for power is incompatible thatʼs up to the simulation and the rendering with your own self-perception. Is there a capacity of labor power on his venture-capi- chance that youʼre clinging to youth with tal-backed AI vibe farms (which do not exist a fervor so intense that people ﬁ nd you yet). Help! ripe for satire? Thereʼs really no need to be defensive. Allow your baby daddy to Sincerely, humiliate himself. (He probably doesnʼt 01110110101 need your help.)

Illustration by Jade Sheng