SPECIAL ISSUE F Newsmagazine02 Earrings by Teddie Bernard &z. (zeinab ajasa) &z. (zeinab INCONSISTENT: Man-Made Love by Wayne Degen honeymilk: page two & three by by & three two page honeymilk: Love is: A Wonderful Feeling “Love is when someone or something makes your heart skip a What is little.” Love? by Mimi Ozormoor “Love is a freedom in a sense. When you love yourself or someone else, it’s relieving.” F Newsmagazine03 Love & Other Disgusting Dating App Openers by Monica Gong It’s the beginning of a time like no other in Chicago: The 5. Public Sex: Part 2: The unfortunate chlamydia incident … lakefront is heating up, vaccines are rolling out, and we’re I had to read it, and now so do you! Note to self: Avoid Aisle 7 gearing up for a hedonistic summer. Unfortunately, dating at every Walgreens within a 50-mile radius. apps’ swipe-and-scroll methodology allow for a cesspool of less-than-desirable messages. Here are some of the crudest and cringiest interactions from the virtual dating world, sub- mitted by you, the members of the SAIC community. 1. The Male Gazer: An unforgettable opener continues the ugly tradition of obscene sexualization. A friendly reminder to never forget the all-powerful block button. 2. Public Sex: Part 1: The person who was strangely enthusi- astic about public sex during a worldwide pandemic. Social 6. A Persistent Horniness: The person who wasted neither distancing: Many of us are in need of a remedial lesson. time nor words. We should all aspire to be as efficient as them. 3. The Apologetic Admirer: Be careful not to fall into the paradox of rueful compliments like this person. Seduce with 7. Cyber Stockholm Syndrome: Sometimes it gets to a point confidence, besties! where you have to delete Tinder and call your therapist. Don’t be embarrassed, it happens to the best of us. 4. How to Fall in Love at First Swipe: Step 1: Fall head over heels with a carefully curated profile. Step 2 (Optional): Mes- sage each other. Step 3: Never speak again. Illustration by Chanina Katz Monica Gong (BAVCS 2023) is an amateur student, professional shitposter, and lover of all things Internet. You can find her and her puppy, Meelo, on any dating app if you look hard enough. F Newsmagazine04 o on a D te nside a Pain ing! Romantic escapades with the Art Institute of Chicagoʼs new magical painting portals. by Ben Kim Paplham The dating scene has never been harder. Thankfully, here at the Art Institute of Chicago, we have you covered. For a limited time only, we are proud to introduce our line of immersive, virtual reality painting dates. Just like Bugs Bunny, you too can hop into “A Sunday on La Grande Jatte” and not just learn about pointillism, but be pointillism. Having trouble deciding where to take your romantic partner? No worries! Let the AIC offer a few pointers. 1. A Romantic Landscape with a Ruined Castle Robert Adam, 1778 – 1787 Have you ever looked at a bunch of rubble and thought, “Hey this looks like prime courtship material?” Well, you and Daisy Miller are not alone. At the AIC, we offer a wide variety of ruined castles, temples, churches, colliseums, and mausoleums for you and your beloved to explore in your courtship. Wander through the lush forest outside this literal castle on a hill, or enjoy a delicious picnic in the throne room as you and your special monarch roleplay the most extravagant window-shopping real estate experience of your life. And if youʼre into that sort of thing, bring a bunch of friends along and play Dungeons and Dragons in an actual castle. Basic package (1 day): $50.00 Deluxe package (1 week): $300.00 2. Croquet Scene Winslow Homer, 1866 Before there was Among Us, Fortnite, or Settlers of Catan, “game night” for respect- able peoples involved bonnets, puffy dresses, suit jackets, and heatstroke. Discover for yourself why Heather Chandler always insisted on being red in everyoneʼs favorite backyard game, croquet, or as we like to call it — homebrew mini-putt. Ask that fine young gentleman if he really didnʼt nudge that yellow ball with his foot when he thought the ladies werenʼt looking, and gossip with the upper crust of Basic package (1 round): $20.00 American society about what they really think of the Civil Right Acts of 1866. Deluxe package (3 rounds): $50.00 Designed by Justine Guzman F 05Newsmagazine 5. Are They Thinking about the Grape? (Pensent-ils au raisin?) François Boucher, 1747 3. Nightlife Archibald John Motley Jr., 1943 Are they? Sometimes what you and your partner need is a lively night Basic package on the dance floor. Throw down your sickest 2021 dance (10 minutes): $5.00 moves and introduce the Nae Nae, Gangnam Style, or the Deluxe package Floss to the dancers of 1943. But come dressed in burgundy (1 hour): $25.00 tones or you will royally screw up the color code of this Premium package Bronxville cabaret. (Note: Visitors must show your ID to the (1 day): $100.00 staff before entering this painting.) Basic package (1 night + 2 lemon shots): $60.00 Deluxe package (Basic + rental clothes and your choice of 10 assorted hats): $120.00 4. Study for the Hall of Medical Sciences Mural at the 1939 Worldʼs Fair in 6. Recluse Dwellings in the Autumn Mountains New York Mi Wanzhong, 1621 Ilya Boltowsky, 1938 – 39 (Ming Dynynasty 1368 – 1644) Have you ever wanted to be a triangle? Well, now you can be! Sometimes the best romance is found where literally nobody Feel the indescribable feeling of two-dimensional existence else can find you. For a limited time, the AIC is accepting as you hover in uncharted hammerspace, isolated from applications for their Autumn Mountain Recluse Residency, a spatial recognition and time, living as we are truly meant to self-quarantine period of 12 months for you and a special guest. live: oblique shapes with no ulterior motive or agenda. Be And yes, that special someone can be a pet! Unfortunately, the the triangle you were always meant to be. This may become AIC is unable to provide applicants with a stipend or a meal a very erotic exercise. plan at this time. Applicants are strongly advised to have prior experience in camping, fishing, mountain hiking, and putting Basic package (1-2 lines): $1,000.00 up mosquito netting. Deluxe package (3-5 lines): $3,000.00 Premium package (round shapes): $10,000.00 Application fee: $35 Ben Kim Paplham (MFA 2021) is a poetic playwright, a settler of Catan, and has a 99 speed in NBA2K F Newsmagazine06 Tiny Love Stories: SAIC Edition Could you write a love story in 150 words or less? Inspired by the New York Times column, “Modern Love,” three SAIC community members share tiny love stories that broaden the meaning of love. Edited by Ishani Synghal. My life now revolves around running. To Garret: Weʼre still in the first phase of love, with fire and A year and a half ago, we were in Italy and I sat next to you passion perhaps because, running and I have only on the bus for the first time. I started bitching and you sat been together for six months. quietly and listened. One pandemic, countless mental break- I come from Seoul, Korea, where I have to check downs, a 2 a.m. emergency room visit (which you so rudely the fine dust level everyday. In the midst of winter missed), the birth of our dog-son, and a few drunken dance break, I realized I needed to take advantage of living parties have passed. Iʼm still bitching, but this time, youʼre in a place with clean air. bitching too. Looking forward to years and years of bitching Running and I went through different phases to together, bestie! keep our relationship going and we now have one of the most healthy relationships that Iʼve ever been in. Love, Monica I seek out running as much as possible, making it a part of my life. In return, it grounds me. No matter how shitty, unaccomplished, or anxious I feel, it — Monica Gong (BFA, ʼ23) makes me feel okay, even happy. For all of that, I want to tell running: Thank you for helping me get through life and teaching me The most intense love a tween from 2011 can feel is the what a healthy relationship should be like. I love you love for a boy band, and I was certainly one of those and I hope you stay in my life as long as possible. tweens. One Direction came into my life from the local ra- Iʼm going to do my best to keep my knees healthy. dio station and infiltrated from there. Not even Zayn Malik leaving the band via Facebook post on my 15th birthday — Hwiy Chang (BFA, ʼ22) could break me from their spell—I was hooked. I spent more than half of my teenage years going to concerts, stay- ing up late for album drops, and spending way too much money at 1D world in Mall of America. So, to the silly boyband: I love you. — Peyton Resner (BFA, ʼ22) Illustration by Cortney Anderson F 07Newsmagazine Five of my Beloved Chicago Restaurants These restaurants powered me through the pandemic, and deserve your business. by Adam Mac Listen. Itʼs been a rough year and a half — I donʼt think I Stellaʼs Diner need to convince anybody of that. Between class, two jobs, $$; American; Dine-in; 3042 N. Broadway climate change destroying my hometown, and a pandemic, Being from Texas, I spend most of the school Iʼm in a constant state of stress.