AAGGRRIICCUULLTTUURREE CCLLUUBB Farmageddon Dirty, Distorted Rural Rock

Available from: Sudden Death Records suddendeath.com

Farmageddon on Catch and Release Recording Collective C&R Catalogue distro by Live! Sonic Unyon Edmonton - Sidetrack Cafe, Nov. 5 Canmore - Canmore Hotel, Nov. 6 Saskatoon - Amigos, Nov.14 Winnipeg - Royal Albert, Nov. 15 Vancouver- Railway Club, Nov. 22 agricultureclub.ca catch-and-release.org

IInnarnnardsds Band Slut of the year! ince the Spitfires packed it in last fall, school girls to come over and watch him play Jason Solyom technically isn’t playing in bass, Mattias & Donnie would have these jeal- Sany band right now. But since the former ous sibling spats over who was the greater frontman spent the better part of 2003 in the guitarist, and Oke would demand I arm wres- studio recording all that is good in West Coast tle her to lower my hourly wage. They were rock, he is the only musician that deserves just fuckin’ rude and generally obnoxious peo- Nerve’s most prestigious title. Look forward to ple. seeing his name in the liner notes on all your favourite 2004 . Why the career move? What career move? Career: Doesn’t that mean Stage name and homebase? you make money? Recording or playing Jerk, get the fuck off the stage… hey music has made my life hell and I’m terribly ASShole, learn how to sing… get a LIFE in debt. No, I’ll be playing again in the future, (I’ve been called many names while on stage). just got a bit tired of I have been blessed by J.C. himself to be liv- the same old. ing quietly and peacefully in the Bible belt [Abbottsford]. Any parting words for Spitfires’ Bands you’ve played in (other than the fans? Spitfires)? A new Grave Mistake, Budget Rock Showcase, Seamen, The Idols, Chinatown, Psycho-mania, Flash Bastard, New Town Animals, The Fiends, Defect, Connect, Reason. photo: Laura Murray

Bands you’ve worked with in the recording studio this year? dou- Nasty On , The Cinch, SprëadEagle, John ble Ford, The Excessives, Chinatown, The live Rumors, Gung-Hos ( I think that’s it). Oh record that Yeah, Petrie Frampiton (French version of will be com- photo: Angela Fama Peter Frampton) ing out very Cover models: (clockwise from front) Markus Morrison of Dry Fisted, soon (check the ravishing Kitten Coquette and Sonja, Chris Valagao of Zimmer ís What band was the biggest pain in the ass to website for work with and why? Hole, Pinto of Cryst al Pistol, S tevie Kicks of The Smears, Ani Kyd of SPRËADEAGLE. Total prima donnas. The Fuel Injected .45, Dixie DiíAnno of Powerclown and the lovely Fatima. singer, Juan, demanded that after every take, For more info on our cover models, go check out p age 7. whoever was in the room would compliment him on his vocal stylings. 8-Ball paid high Feature 15 A Christmas Tale by Adrian Mack T H E N E R V E H I T S Q U A D King Pin (a/k/a Editor-IIn-CChief) Bradley C. Damsgaard Incoming 9, 13 [email protected] Mark Lanegan, Dry Fisted, The Darkness Pistol Whipper (a/k/a Music Editor) Sarah Rowland Live Wires 10-11 [email protected] Writers Festival of Guns, Thor & D.O.A., Excessives, Dimmu Borgir The Getaway Driver (a/k/a Production Manager) Pierre Lortie [email protected] Cheap Shotz 7 Father Gary (a/k/a Visual Arts Editor) Wanted! Jason Ainsworth Casey’s Q & A 6 Shotgun (a/k/a Film Editor) Bjorn Olson Naughty or Nice? Friend of the Family (a/k/a Adult Content Editor) Jason Wertman Victoria, Calgary, The Henchmen (a/k/a Design & Graphics) Hopelessness 8 Pierre Lortie, Saturnin, B. Damage Edmonton, Billy Hopeless grabs a Backyard Baby Cover Photos: Angela Fama, assisted by Marija Mikulic Winnipeg The Muscle (a/k/a Staff Writers) writers and Off the Record 18-19 Atomick Pete, A.D. MADGRAS, Cowboy Photographers to The Mexican Blackbirds plus over 20 cd reviews TexAss, Casey Bourque, Sinister Sam, Adler Floyd, Aaronoid, Billy Hopeless, Dennis cover their Regan, D-Rock and Miss Kim, Michael Mann, respective music Books & DVDs 20-21 Adrian Mack, Jake Poole, Max Crown Chris Walter plus more books and DVDs reviewed Girl Friday (a/k/a Subscriptions/Mailouts) scenes... Sue Hobler Weapons Cleaners (a/k/a Copy Editors) Film 24 Alyssa Koehler, Sean Conner no pop! and any Gore: Vampire Films, Optical Nerve: Neil Hamburger Live Advertising (a/k/a Fire Insurance) mention of Robin Brad Damsgaard [email protected] Black or use of Skate 23 Out-oof-ttown Connections (a/k/a Distribution) Calgary: Rick Overwater, Mike Taylor. the word “quirky” Skate Spot: Public Art for the Masses Edmonton: Graeme. Winnipeg: Ryan of Steel will be cause for Capped Records, Victoria: Jono Jak IMMEDIATE Opinion 22 The Nerve is published monthly by The Nerve It’s Rainin’ Men: Ainsworth on Dominatrix Art? Magazine Ltd. The opinions expressed by the writers dismissal. and artists do not necessarily reflect those of The Nerve Magazine or its editors... but often do. First publishing rights only are property of The Nerve Magazine cause Smut Ranch 27 we have no desire to “ own” you. The Nerve does not for more info, accept responsibility for content in advertisements. The Yes, finally, some decent midget porn... Nerve reserves the right to refuse any advertisement or contact: submission and accepts no responsibility for unsolicit- ed manuscripts or artwork. Copyright 2003 Etc... 22, 25, 27 [email protected] Alt F4, Puzzle Page, Cartoons and Found! 508 - 825 Granville St. (604) 734-1611 Vancouver, B.C. V6Z 1K9 604.734.1611 UNCENSORED! www.thenervemagazine.com Viewer Discretion Advised 5 Music Casey’s Q & A XXXmas is coming soon-have you been naughty or nice???

Robbee-SSalteens: Katie Sketch- I’ve been naughty- The Organ: when you deal I’ve been goddamn with hookers & nice and regret every blow, some- second of it. I’ll times… never waste my life like that again!

Dante DeCaro- Joshua Winstead- Hot Hot Heat: The Metric: Nice. *(I forget Naughty ‘cuz Viva what he said but la Revolution! he’s about the nicest person you’ll ever meet).

Mr. Plow: Angela- Smears: Both, because I’m Of course I’ve me. been naughty!

Paul Hawley- Rene- Smears: Hot Hot Heat: Naughty- Nice because (I think) ALWAYS I’m a nice boy-polite naughty! and considerate. Music Cheap Shotz ward to a more cost-effective line-up in the tional nativity scene. That’s why we requested By Sarah Rowland New Year. Apparently nobody ever told Calvin a Virgin Mary look-a-like and two fair maiden Klown that the one thing you never do when types for this shoot. Instead we got three hot you’re in an all-clown Iron Maiden tribute band burlesque babes. Needless to say, the is show up to practice dressed in a mime cos- Ultravixen Peepshow won’t be getting our tume. Nor do you ever pull a no-show right business again. This is a family magazine damn before a Victoria gig. So while the ousted it! But if gawking at gorgeous sexbombs with Klown practices his invisible box moves, Dixie bodies that won’t quit is your thing, check out and his bandmates will play as a five-piece www.kittencoquette.com until further notice. Holiday gripes or greetings: “Send us pres- Holiday gripes or greetings: “I don’t get ents… preferably lingerie” enough presents and not enough rum & eggnog bought for me from hot chicks.”

Chris (The Heathen) Valagao When we called the Zimmer’s Hole lead singer Pinto Cholo about the cover shot, we asked him to bring a He’s the necrophiliac on the cover. But when big red sock to hang by the fire place with the he’s not boning corpses, he plays guitar in rest of the stockings. But the batteries must Crystal Pistol. You can catch him in all his have been running low on the Nerve cell phone bleeding eyeliner glory Friday Dec. 19 at the coz the only thing dangling from Val was a Brickyard. monster-sized red cock and he don’t shoot Holiday gripes or greetings: “Here’s wishing blanks neither. If you don’t believe me, head you a white Christmas from Crystal Pistol” down to the Brickyard and watch him spray his demon seed all over Hiro’s bar for the Blood Stevie Kicks and Gore 2004 New Year’s eve metal bonanza He’s played bass for the on-again/off-again (also on the bill are Sinned and Fuel Injected Ani Kyd New Town Animals for the last five years. The .45) This Nerve-sanctioned evil temptress/singer for resurrected five-piece is soon to release its sec- Holiday gripes or greetings: “Jesus who?” Fuel Injected .45 is currently recording her ond on Dirtnap Records. He also just band’s debut album, Reload Diablo, Reload. finished recording a demo with his latest band, Chinatown cans lead singer Holiday gripes or greetings: “I’ll be your mis- The Smears. As well, he drums for the atmos- When you check out Van’s glam rockers at the tress for Christmas and your metal horror for pheric indy-rock outfit, Ashtray Boy. The latter Supersuckers Thursday Dec 4, you’ll notice 2004” will perform at the Railway Sunday, Dec. 7 to that they are once again a four-piece. launch its latest LP, The Euro. But what Kicks Chinatown recently pulled the plug on lead is really famous for is throwing the best house singer Marus Ireland’s mike. Guitarist Ben gigs. Most notably was his recent eviction party Yardley will fill in on vox until the band finds a at his pad on 13th and Clarke in Van, where the new frontman. Apparently, a majority of the Badamps, Rebel Spell and Gung-Hos blew the group felt that Ireland’s vocal style didn’t mesh roof off. Without a doubt, this cover model is with the band’s musical direction. Yardley one of Vancouver’s staples. seemed genuinely anguished on the phone with Holiday gripes or greetings: “Party lots” The Nerve as he talked about the difficult deci- sion to ax his buddy. “It’s unfortunate,” says Feebie Fawkes Yardley. “But it’s fuckin’ show-business, not This covergirl is obviously no stranger to the show-friends.” Ireland wasn’t available for expression “Free coke for supermodels”. At the comment at the time The Nerve went to publi- last minute, she had her agent call and demand cation. we provide twice as much blow as listed on her rider. Every five minutes she’d wander off to New club on the block kicking ass the can with her little coke flap, only to return And now for the shameless self-promotion por- with white crusties around her snout. But that’s Employ of the month: tion of Cheap Shotz. Thanks to a cooperative not her only nasty habit. Rumour has it she also Laura Murray/Photographer. Not sure what her bar management, Pub 340 is going to keep the likes to chew on stanky socks. And considering last boyfriend did to deserve the same fate as rock. The Nerve’s production manager, Atomic who her three roommates are, this bitch has Lorana Bobbit’s husband, but we try to stay out Pete, has been booking the room for the last access to the some of the rankest socks in rock. of the personal lives of our employees. Bon month and so far everyone’s happy. Bands have Yust Yoking. Feebie is the sweetest little girl. appetite! somewhere else to play and patrons have some- where to drink squeegee-priced booze.

New Monday hang-out Check out Morrissey’s bar on Granville every Mark Morrison Monday, when DJ Miss-X and friends spin old He’s the bassist for Calgary’s Dry Fisted. It’s school 80s punk. The tunes start at 10pm and hard to imagine that this gentle giant could ever Milwaukies for $2.75 a can all day. harm a fly, but his former bandmates in Victoria’s Breach say otherwise. Morrison NERVE FOOD BANK DRIVE plays down his past as a shit-kicker. Oh sure, he WHO: MARRIED TO MUSIC/THE EXCES- casually alludes to a road rage incident or two. SIVES/RICH HOPE/NIM VIND But who hasn’t dragged a middle-aged dad out WHEN: FRIDAY, DEC 5 of his car and beaten the tar out of him in front WHY: COZ IT’S THAT TIME O’YEAR TO of his kids? Speaking of kids, Dry Fisted is GIVE BACK playing a benefit at Calgary’s the Mighty HOW MUCH: $7 OR $4 WITH AT LEAST Underground Saturday, Dec 20. All proceeds ONE NON-PARACHIBE FOOD ITEM go toward presents for underprivileged chil- BE THERE: IT’S THE PUNK ROCK THING dren. Those bastards in Breach must have made TO DO! Dixie Di’Anno Kitten Coquette/ Fatima/ Sonja up all that bad shit about Morrison. The frontman for Powerclown is looking for- This photo shoot was supposed to be a tradi- Holiday gripes or greetings: “Merry Fistmas”

7 One Swedish Dregen on the Rocks! By Billy Hopeless ell it’s shitmas again and what can I say but whenever I start feeling like Wit’s getting cold, I think about places where your piss freezes before it hits the ground and somehow Vancouver feels pretty mild. So, on the thirteenth day of shitmas, what does Billy Hopeless give to you poor little ice king and queens? Well, how about an interview with the coolest fucking import to come out of Sweden since Seka, Dregen of the Backyard Babies. This guy has it all going on, the look, the attitude, and the riffs to back it up. He may just look like another well-wrapped package but inside there’s a rock ‘n’ roll Molotov and the fuse is burning fast! So let’s tear it up and enjoy a little warmth from a much colder place!

Ok hotstuff, let’s go straight for the groin right off the bat. It seems like everywhere I’ve trav- eled, there’s a bunch of rock chicks bragging about having ridden the mighty Dregen. So, I photo: Courtesy of Backyard Babies must ask, are you truly God’s gift to rock was meant to be a one off-single from MEIG, chicks or are they all just wishful little liars? but when he passed away we wanted to wait. Both you and me know that most of the rock “Friends” is a tribute to Joey. chicks are liars... And both you and me know that any great rock band will deny everything. I Well this is the X-mas issue of The Nerve, so need names for this question. And pictures.… I’m going to ask you a few shitmas questions beginning with if you could have anything, Now I’ve heard that as a young Dregen, you what would you ask the Scandinavian Santa had dreams of being a professional hockey Claus for and what kinda shoes would he be player. Is this true? And if so, what’s yer leaving this/these presents in? favourite position and can you still handle the I’d love a new Technics 1200 turntable. Black stick? preferable. Put it in a pair of high-heals if the I played for almost 13 years on a team called needle breaks. Red preferable... the Nassjo Hockey Club as a centre. I still skate “Joan Jett would get our new album. George Bushie would get a bullet.” Dregen’s Christmas shopping list sometimes, but not as much as I would like. OK now let’s pretend you are Santa Claus. If Next time in Canada? My slapshots are still you could slide down anyone’s chimney to pretty good. We are actually sponsors for the deliver your naughty or nice X-mas magic team I played in. (check out the photo) whose stockings would you be hanging with- out care? The Backyard Babies have just released the Joan Jett would get our new album. George new album Stockholm Syndrome to once Bushie would get a bullet. again light the world on fire with your Molotov rock ‘n’ roll assault. Give us five Well, thanks a lot, and hopefully we’ll hook up words that come to mind as descriptions for on the road sometime, but before we end this, the new album. I’ve got to ask one final question, although Well, after the last album, Making Enemies Is I’m beginning to feel like a volunteer for Good, we wanted to work with Joe Barresi as a tourism Canada, I just feel it’s my duty to ask producer. We were way more sure [about] what when, if ever, can we expect the Backyard kind of album we wanted to make, and the Babies to tour the great white north we know recording took 3 weeks. Making Enemies took and love called Canada? 4 months. We haven’t messed around this time We can’t wait to come back to Canada! We around. Songs. Attitude. Groove. haven’t toured there since 2000. Stockholm Syndrome will be out in the US and Canada On Stockholm Syndrome we find a song spring/summer ‘04. So see you Canadians called “Friends” which includes guest appear- ringside when your maples are falling off. ances by quite a few of the bands you’ve befriended while touring, including L7, the Bonus question! Hellacopters, and the dead, but never forgot- ten saint, Joey Ramone. Since it’s been said What’s yer favourite Christmas song and if the that people are kept alive through our memo- Backyard Babies wrote one, what would it be ries, would you please share a few words about called? your time with Joey Ramone? Uhhh, Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer??? I He came to one of our first shows in New York dunno... Our song? -Santa Cocaine in Ball and in 1997 and loved the band. He saw most of the Chain? shows with us in NY. Without The Ramones, I would probably not be in a band. We recorded him at Spa Studios in NY in 2000. The song

8 Incoming Mark Lanegan For the last twenty years, Mark interested in that are guys like you who do pro- Lanegan has been duking it out in a fessional interviews. Er… this is our first interview. van or a bus, getting his knuckles It’s raised my profile, but I don’t know if it’s bloodied first with the Screaming translated into sales. Trees – perhaps the most underrat- Have you signed a burned CD yet? ed act to emerge from Seattle in the No… no-one’s had the nut-sac to do that yet. last twenty years. They were origi- You’ve played with a lot of old C&W leg- nally signed by Greg Ginn to SST ends… Buck Owens, Waylon Jennings and, of but were swept up in the course, Johnny Cash. What did you learn from that? Wave, albeit a little reluctantly as Johnny was one of the most influential people they had already established them- in my life. I learned to sing singing along with selves on their own. his records…. Willie Nelson, Buck Owens and He currently plays with Queens of Waylon Jennings, who really was a badass the Stone Age and has just released his sixth dude… I’ve been lucky. solo album. Lanegan has been an individualist What’s it like meeting these guys? It’s like meeting someone not of this earth from the very beginning, and moves naturally …But each of those guys was so down to earth, between singing, say, an old Fred Neil song to so natural. Johnny would hug you going into co-writing “No One Knows” with Josh the studio, ‘how you doin’, grab yourself some- Homme. thing to eat’ … just a humble, beautiful man. I Photo courtesy of Beggars Banquet / Group Canada After a lot of years, a lot of miles, a met Waylon in Indianapolis… I was having a Knowing that they’ve been everywhere you you.” But there’s a lot of satisfaction in saying, whole heap of luck (good and bad), he started pretty bad day... the guitar player in the Trees, can go and then some, and be the way they “You know what, there’s gonna be a box set”… to wind down ‘till Johnny Cash told him to get Gary Lee Connor, had been swinging his mic were… it gave me hope. there’s already a best-of our indie recordings stand and the mic came off and hit me in my back on stage. He hasn’t looked back as he Whatever happened to the Trees’ final record- and now there’s gonna be a best-of our major bony ass. I was pretty angry about it and I was ings? label recordings, several television shows, all embarks on another world tour, which inciden- walking around the parking lot talking on my tally will bring him to Richard’s on Richards on They’re surfacing next year. We’re putting out this kind of stuff. And for some kids from mobile phone, saying, ‘Fuck it, I quit’ when our last record and it’s some of my favourite Ellensburg, Washington, who were really just December 11th, along with bandmates key- suddenly someone put his arm around my material we ever did… it’s coming out on a social outcasts in their hometown… we really boardist Greg Dulli (Afghan Whigs), bassist shoulder and I looked over… and it’s Waylon label with Greg Workman, who also has a label did climb Everest a few times and I’m proud of Eddie Nappi, drummer Norman Block and gui- Jennings. And he says, “You don’t look like called Ipecac with Mike Patton. Sony’s also that. tarists Brett Netson and Troy Van Leeuwen you’re having a very good day, son”, and that’s putting out a best-of that has a lot of unreleased Didn’t you have a shiner when you were on how I met him and of course it turned me (Queens). Lanegan was taking a nap in stuff…. Letterman? around completely. Was it hard to hang it up after fifteen years? Yeah, yeah, I did, (he sighs)… [but] through no Bologna, Italy when I reached him and his Did they teach you anything? voice had the quality of rocks on cement. It was hard for me because I always had, uh… fault of my own. Absolutely… I learned that I didn’t want to be the band was just an unlikely entity and a fucking dickhead… I’ve known a lot of ‘rock By Judge Smails and Carl Spackler encountered such adversity, finding places to Kids, pick up a copy of Whiskey for the Holy stars’ in my time, but these guys have been put out our records. Every time we had a deal it Ghost, pour yourself a stiff one, go see the everywhere and done everything and like I was the only deal there was... we were a band show (I’ll be counting heads) and learn yer- Has your profile been raised since joining the said… they’re the kind of human beings you Queens? that had people saying ridiculous things like, selves something, you dummies. hope to be. “Get rid of one of the fat guys and we’ll sign It has and it hasn’t… the only people who seem Did it help you with your substance abuse? Dry Fisted Rock Like It’s 1984 musicians who aren’t afraid to admit that they’re old enough to know what C.O.C, S.O.D and D.R.I. stand for. “What seems to have gotten lost in people’s heads is the heaviness,” says Makcus Morrison, who plays bass and splits vocal duties with guitarist Dave McAuley. Despite being in Vancouver for the Festival of Guns, the Nerve was unable to hook up with the soft-spoken Jak for an in-person interview. So we had to settle for a phone Q&A. “Some bands can do grind- core and sure that’s heavy music. But the days of really heavy punk and metal crossover has kind of been left by the waste side.” But Pitt’s not worried. He’s confident that while dilut- ed mutations of hardcore sprout up everyday and Oi! bands rule the Calgary punk scene; guttural uncut heavy music is on the comeback trail. And that’s not all; he credits Dry Fisted as one of the bands for the impending resurgence. “We’re one of the only bands to sound like this right now and I just hear people picking up on it,” he says, citing the Calgarian Oi! band, Sneak Attack, as a recent example. “You can just hear it in the new stuff they’re writing.” As far as what constitutes hardcore, Morrison’s per- sonal philosophy is a band’s antics off stage are almost as impor-

photo: Courtesy of Dry Fisted tant as a musical formula, which could explain why he recruited By Sarah Rowland Mick and Keith…whoops, did it again... .meant to say Danny and Randy of the Red Hot Lovers. fter waiting more than four years, Calgary’s hardcore drummer. He’s calling from his day job, answering questions in “They are rock,” admits Morrison about Dry Fisted’s kings were finally ready to record their first official full- between pouring pints. “We didn’t know it was all being record- hired guns. “But I respect a person’s lifestyle and they definite- length. Desperate to prove that Keith Richards isn’t ed and the talking is just hilarious. All we wanted to do was get A ly have a very hardcore lifestyle.” God’s gift to songwriting, they boarded their private jet and set the word ‘fuck’ and the word ‘who’ so I’d go ‘one, two, three So theoretically, an Icelandic chamber pop band that out to collaborate with as many other artists as possible. First fuck’. And ‘one, two, three who’ but it took four or five minutes only performs in candle-lit churches playing hypnotic ethereal stop: Lenny Kravitz’s space-age Miami mansion, where they just to get to that point coz we’re all drunk and we’re all making soundscapes can be considered hardcore— as long as after the penned a few riffs… no wait. I did it again. I confused Dry fun of each other. Then when we finally do it, you hear Dan go, show they turn into fiends back stage, tearing down full-length Fisted with Mick Jagger. What these oldschool punkers did was ‘I didn’t do it.’” mirrors from the walls to cut up their coke? pick up some more than willing Bitchin’ Camaros back stage, Of course, he’s referring to none other than Danny “I don’t know what chamber pop is,” says Morrison. and ordered some back-ups from the dial-a-Red-Hot-Lover rock Danger, who also chants “before it’s too late” on the “March to And he means it. ‘n’ roll escort service. Once everyone was all liquored up, they Die.” Like many of tracks on In God We Thrust, the three- pressed “record” but forgot about the “pause” feature. The minute threatening rally cry is led by frantic drumming, sus- In God We Thrust will be out next January and Dry Fisted will result? A seven-minute track of outtakes during a seemingly sim- pense-building axe pickin’ that escalates with headbanging ten- beat some hardcore sense into your pansy ass at a crusty, ple gang hymn that may or may not make it on the final mix. sion and vox that explode with bros over hos camaraderie. In puke-infested punk dive near you. “I’m fighting to put it on the CD,” says Jeff Pitt, the short, unapologetic vintage 80s hardcore aged to perfection by 9 Music Flusie’s Night Out with Casey Cougar THE SCENE- The Nerve Magazine’s 4th Anniversary Bash @ The Purple Onion, 15 Water St. November 20

THE STYLE- Lots-a-skids and skanks outfitted in semen-stained rawk tees and tight jeans; most going commando, of course.

DRUGS OF CHOICE- Champagne and cocaine. I couldn’t find a joint to save my life- doesn’t anyone smoke pot in 8-Ball in retro Jaks wear, Juan Badmutha this town anymore?? (SprëadEagle, Evilive) in his dad’s “trucker hat”, C.C. Voltage (musician, student) in a shirt he stole from some Pam Prostarr* (animator) in a Yertle, the Turtleneck asshole in his German class and Randy Romance (Gung-Hos, THE VIBE- Two rooms filled with punk/glam/80’s tunes and Mike Park wearing yer mum’s panties. Red Hot Lovers) in a bra from LaSenza. fuelling a dirty dancing party. Numerous shots caused many impromptu lap dances and some outtercourse.

Dan Scum (Scum Element, Cum Soc, Powerclown) in a Don Ho original and Heather Watson (Terminal City columnist) in her underage boyfriend’s shirt. Jamie (Excessives, Real McKenzies), Jono (Excessives, Gung-Hos), 8-Ball (SprëadEagle) and Eddie Big Beers (Gung-Hos), all wearing Nerve Magazine CEO, Mr. Badley Damaged Jaks Skate Team castoffs. wearing anniversary cake. Photos by Casey Cougar and Pam Prostarr Festival of Guns 2003 Vancouver, B.C. nicest lookin’ cowskull I’ve seen in this city time they had help from a dirty, hairy psy- November 21-22 mounted onto their drum set. They were the chopath who insisted on grabbing and mauling Red Hot Lovers perfect band to start the Festival of Guns. On the band, and eventually got ‘accidentally’ Day One to the Pic. Caught too little (the last 90 sec- bodychecked off the stage by the wild and Booze, Bad Attitudes, Guns, more Booze and onds) of Billy the Kid and the Lost Boys but crazed lead man Byron Slack, who spent half Rock ‘n’ Roll. That‘s what was promised, were just in time for Nicole Leigh Hurst. I the set lying on or sliding across the floor. that’s what was expected, that’s what dragged wasn’t sure what to expect from this couple of Back at the Brickyard, the Red Hot Lovers ole Cowboy TexAss out of semi-retirement young girls (Nicole of Superchild and Sue of were like an explosion on stage. Good energy, hibernation. So we started the festivities with a TV Mamas) and a couple of longhaired fast, loud, asskicking Rock. Their music is like cup of rye at the ‘new venue’-a-lized watering Neanderthals. No offence to Nicole, who is hole, Pub 340. A good little drinkin’ pub, kinda very cute, has a good voice and a band that Sprëadeagle like a miniature Fairview with a 3-inch stage. WILL get airplay (think girl-fronted Ghost Town Drive, a band of good ole boys Nickelback, with sugar on top), but I needed playin’ good ole fashioned rock, hit the stage some RAWK. Hark, ’twas the call of the EAG. with a reincarnated Jim Morrison behind the Brickyard Ho! SprëadEagle were just hitting mike, backed by a time warp to the 70s and the the stage when the Festival Shuttle Bus dropped our sorry asses off. A few ‘Bad Muthafuckas’ and half dozen very strong rye Billy the Kid ‘n’ gingers, and it was all over for TexAss. John Ford was up next but remain in my mem- ory as a drunken blur. “Bullets for Dreamers” is a good song. I somehow ended up at the Railway club in time to see Pinto from Crystal

Pistol clearing gear off the stage and then, photo: Laura Murray while any good outlaw gathering ends in a gun- little lady, who became emotionally possessed fight or fisticuffs, I emerged unscathed from a during their set, insists I describe them as a run-in with a no good cowpoke from out of band that “taps into a cosmic void.” I might town. Alas, he was unarmed and I couldn’t have said “aurally pleasing musical chaos.” bring myself to kill the sombitch…. Either vague description applies. A surprise gem in the festival was The Uncaps Old Boys Day Two who filled the middle slot in the country show- We joined a crowd consisting mostly of mem- case. Pedal steel and backwoods, crazed farm bers of bands playing later that evening and two photo: Badly Damaged boys from Edmonton. Only caught the last few other Cobalt patrons for Hissy Fit’s incredible a kick in the balls and a boot to the head. They songs of their set, but man they made me want return from their supposed breakup. Forget the played well into the time slot where the Gung- to run out and rape a sheep. Speaking of rumours, Giselle and co. are back in full force. Ho’s should have been. Mike Roche assured Alberta and bestiality, the Agriculture Club The Shuttle bus was out of commission for me that he was indeed too drunk to sing and layed out that sweet bastardized country that I some reason, so we had to walk to the Pic for a just might go and sleep in his truck instead of love. Undisputedly the best performance of the band well worth a frozen trot through crack- going on stage and the Caravan-o-Guns was festival, with a real life hoedown in front of the town. I can’t run out of good things to say actually ready to roll, so we took the opportu- stage. Yeehaw! about the boys in Married to Music. These nity to mosey on up to see Black Rice all -Cowboy TexAss guys are just so tight and entertaining. This decked out in their outlaw cowboy shirts. My photo: Badly Damaged

10 Music Live Wires

the singer for the Spin Doctors after a week- metal with death and black metal flavourings. witnesses (not to mention the lack of beer). D.O.A.’s Joey Shithead long binge on bootleg vet-grade injectables, Not what I expected. We only got “Pleasure -David Lawrence Grimmer led his lurching, sneering crew of Molestation” to satisfy the craving for clas- through a set of some anxious, high-strung rock sic Hypocrisy. A sort of disappointing set. and roll. “Amphetamine Now” served as a Children of Bodom, on the other hand, totally warning shot of an absolutely caustic set of rocked. And, no, it’s not just because I’m The Excessives new material for the band’s forthcoming Finnish and was wearing a Finnish coat-of- Micky Christ record. It’s fitting that the guys in Rocket from arms T-shirt that I was so stoked on C.O.B. the Tombs look like professors, complete with The set was tight, and more intense and relent- The Keg Killers blazers and flasks because tonight was a lesson less than its albums. My only complaints with Lucky Bar, Victoria BC in music history. Considering these songs C.O.B. are some of the cheesy keyboard parts Friday November 14, 2003 existed in 1974, one has to wonder how the that sound a little too techno and out of place path of musical evolution would have been with the otherwise power metal/speed/thrash Nothing says “Victoria punk rock” like this bill. altered had this band released a proper album metal with blackened vox, which is their sound. Even though The Excessives reside in back then. These tunes were proto-every- Musically, C.O.B. was by far the best band of Vancouver these days, their Victoria roots shine thing…rock, punk, classic metal, even the night with its super-hot ripping guitar solos. through in all of their tunes and they are always moments of what could very well be speed- Nevermore came on next. I was more very well received when they come back to the metal, combine to make up this highly eclectic, impressed with its set then last time I saw the Rock. This show was no different. very aggressive music. As with paleontology, Seattle group. However, something about the The Keg Killers kicked it all off with the thrill of discovering a missing link in the band strikes me as boring, as though all its riffs the debut of their new lineup (the third within a Rock family tree was not lost on the packed are on a record being played too slow. One of year!) and a set of short punk ‘n’ roll blasts that house. Throngs of be-shaded new wavers, the highlights was a wicked cover of Simon & would curl your hair. Tunes like “Fuckin’ crusty punks, rockers, and rare-music-nerd- Garfunkel’s “The Sounds of Silence”. Dimmu Smokes” and “Blow Jobs” are a great blend of types got more than a museum exhibit, this Borgir headlined (obviously, being the most heavy, head bobbin’ tunes and lowbrow humor photo: Luvena Ella Vader band kicked ass like men a quarter of their age! famous) and I’ve got to say straight away that that would make a trucker cringe. Dustin Jak D.O.A. vs. Thor And props to the drummer, who would collapse I’ve always preferred more intense black metal Micky Christ (an into a limp rag against the wall behind him outfits like Dimmu’s side project Old Man’s ex- World Kickboxing between every song, only to spring back to life Child. The Norwegian act also had the best Excessive himself) was swinging the mic so Championship in the nick of time. And not unlike a stunt dou- stage show by far, with props, appropriately hard that it was launching into the crowd more Pacific Coliseum, Vancouver, BC ble for Dom DeLuis, the singer clutched a cane dark and creepy lights, make-up and fake often than not. A good start to the night…. Saturday, November 29, 2003 and a flask and, on occasion, stepped to the blood. I find D.B. and other such black metal The mighty Micky Christ came up mike to let out the very winds of Hell. Only bands really good at the stage theatrics and next. These guys are right up there with the Not since they cancelled the demolition derby seeing the band from Star Wars would have their moody atmospheric music is appropriate Dayglos as longest running band in town. If at the PNE has there been a spectacle of such been more holy-shit inducing. for the show. I found I was most impressed you haven’t had the fortune of experiencing cultural significance on our hallowed fair- -J. Pee Patchez with, and banged my head most to, Children of MC before, you should know that it is a full grounds. D.O.A., Thor and eighteen men Bodom, probably the least heavy of the four theatrical presentation. When Gary Brainless kicking the living piss out of each other… oh, bands yet, the most intense of the four. A and company blast through their vast repertoire and beer gardens. If that’s not enough culture, wicked show in terms of theatrics, turn-out and with ferocity, you will more often than not, ask add to that the fact that most of the attendees Dimmu Borgir the general spirit of metalhead camaraderie. yourself, “just what the hell is that guy wear- were either colours-flying members of a well- And all the bands did rock. ing?” In this case it was blackface makeup and respected chapter of motorcycle enthusiasts, or -Stefan Nevatie a gold sequined jumpsuit. A great set from a one of the many scantily clad Coors hoorz. band that is a living part of the city’s history. After several gasp-inducing bouts, D.O.A. The Excessives closed the show like kicked off the musical intermission from a box- only they can. This was the first gig with their ing-ring side-stage, blasting through a mini-set Sixty Stories latest drummer, Death Sentence’s Doug Donut. of rink-rockers. Joe and co. were soon joined Complete What a match! While Eddie is a smoking drum- by the mighty Thunderhawk who, before he @ Queen Alexandra Hall, Edmonton, mer in his own right, Doug brings a brand of was even into his third mask, was attacked with Sunday November 2, 2003 insanity to the skins that the band hasn’t seen cinder blocks by what could only have been a since Dustin. They belted out all the classics to Cave Beast. Mayhem reigned as the converg- Pity none of the bands thought to consult me a crowd that was more than glad to have the ing bands crammed as much material and spec- before tonight’s show. If they had, I’d have boys back in town. Drunken vests as far as the tacle into the short set as was inhumanly possi- alerted them to the folly of booking a show in a eye could see! After all was said and done, ble, and Fuel Injected .45 singer Ani Kyd sang tiny municipal hall, in a schoolyard, on a Dustin had climbed behind the kit and the rest with the gang. Legendary guitar-rocker Frank snowy, sub-zero Sunday night, in the middle of of the band came back out for a few more songs Soda took the hardest head shot of the evening Assfuck Nowhere – not the best way to guar- with more or less the original lineup. when he blew up a TV set while his melon was antee bums on seats. Oh, and there’s no bar. -Ty Forslund poked up through the bottom of it. I took a Anyway, to business. Complete – the band with moment to imagine what must have been reel- the name so amazingly vague that you can’t ing through their heads at the time. Shithead even ‘Google’ them. Thankfully, the criticism about his cohorts: “You know what? Here’s stops there. Unlike most young bands these one for the old guys, right? Between Frank days, Vancouver’s Complete have got their pri- Soda, Thor, and me there must be about a hun- orities right. More focused on writing great dred fuckin’ years experience up there and after songs than cultivating an image, Complete’s these shows we fuckin’ feel every fuckin’ day, blend of pop/punk/rock provides a suitably bal- every fuckin’ minute, and every fuckin’ second anced diet of angst and optimism, not unlike photo: Luvena Ella Vaser of it!” Thor’s on the ongoing war with Cave the dear, departed Gameface, primetime Get Beast: “I think next time I’ll bring Loki with Up Kids, or Italy’s best kept secret, the Miles me to battle the Cave Beast with his magic Apart. The tracks culled from their latest CD, powers. Even though he is also a nemesis, we Everything You Wanted (available now on can sometimes join forces.” D.O.A. drummer Dimmu Borgir Spawner Records) are so smokin’, I even for- The Great Baldini on kickboxing: “Two guys give them for choosing Poison the Well on ‘The fuckin’ killin’ each other, I love it.” Nevermore Punk Show’ the other week. A hard act to fol- -J. Pee Patchez Children of Bodom low, ‘tis true, but having recently heard Winnipeg indie-chicks Sixty Stories’ Anthem Hypocrisy Red CD (out now on Smallman), I had faith. Rocket From the @ The Commodore, Vancouver Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How DO Monday, Dec. 1st, 2003 Sixty Stories manage to craft such perfect pop Tombs numbers complete with super-infectious vocal Hypocrisy’s been around a long time, and I’ve melodies that make you cheerfully sing along The Nasty On to songs about anorexia without even a HINT @Richard’s On Richards, Vancouver, BC been waiting at least 12 years to see them. of cloying sickliness?” It’s probably because Jo photo: Smarten Up Saturday November 22, 2003 They used to be brutal, intense, death metal/grind. The first song threw me off—it Snyder’s voice is ballsier than most guy singers was slow, with a straightforward rock beat, in ‘punk rock’ bands these days (seriously), and Nasty-On singer Jason Grimmer’s new meds not in a dreadful Distillers style either – this must be working as he managed to play an melodic harmonized guitar riffs reminiscent of At the Gates or Heartwork-era Carcass, and the lady can actually sing. Some of Canada’s finest entire set without throwing one of his now infa- on stage this night – shame about the lack of mous public shit-conniptions. Looking like song generally sounded like gloom/power 11

Incoming The Darkness A pterodactyl humps a silver spaceship. A cou- ple of wispy nymphets frolic in the autumnal light of a green and pleasant English country wold. Big orange egg-sacs give birth to a quar- tet of androgynous unitard-arians and amidst much frontman nudity, lightning bolts are shot out of guitars and all things dissolve eventual- ly into Slade in Flame-style silveriness. All over the earth, meanwhile, conflicted pundits race to scientifically prove that this, the video for the second single from The Darkness, “Growing on Me”, is an almighty prank of Freddie Mercury Theatre-sized proportions.

By Adrian Mack maverick behind the glittery curtain, bent on making fools out of us all. ut just because something Look at them, for one thing. They looks and tastes like cheese, it look like Saxon. Or UFO. They doesn’t necessarily mean that sound like Rainbow. There’s good B odds that singer Justin Hawkins will it is cheese. It might be a Martian, for all you know. Perhaps a real Martian eventually show up in a Harlequin looks and tastes exactly like cheese. suit with doves flying out of his tran- How could you know? som and I believe I spotted a pair of Allow me to introduce medieval boots on one of them. Over Frankie Poullain, bassist for the a leotard. The album art seems to be biggest band in the world next sum- inspired exclusively by mid period mer, The Darkness. Status Quo. It’s all utterly ridiculous, “We already branched out maddeningly brilliant and catchier on the Christmas single… which we than an Icelandic trawler. produced with Bob Ezrin in Abbey Frankie, the only Scot in a Road studios…” band of Englishmen, speaks softly You worked with Bob and thoughtfully about their unprece- Ezrin at Abbey Road Studios? I gasp, dented culture-shifting impact in amazed that you can still do those Europe. things in 2003. “I think we’re here to save “Yeah, with a children’s rock,” he muses casually, “to save choir…” rock from disappearing up its ass- And the London hole. You know? What happened? People are so serious about it. If you

Symphony Orchestra…? Photo: courtesy of Warner “No, no not quite,” he look back to what rock ‘n’ roll was, laughs, “we used a Mellotron though. what made it special in the early The Mellotron, a children’s choir, days, it certainly wasn’t people slit- sleigh bells, tubular bells… I think ting their wrists and whingeing… it we’ve come up with a winner… it’s wasn’t about that in the early days heartfelt. It was played for the first was it? It was about a sense of time yesterday on Radio One. We euphoria. It was a release… there’s gave ‘em an exclusive… and it’s so little sexuality and so little of the no backbone. I find it fluffy.” since then. Q Magazine and NME those guys, The Darkness. They gonna be on Top of the Pops next sexual in rock music these days. Hence, the members of haven’t done a single page at all. In actually refused to be on the same week.” Freeing things up basically. That’s The Darkness hardened into a unit of fact, we don’t talk to the NME. playlist as us. And the guys at K- In the UK, where The what it’s all about and that’s what unimpeachable integrity, making the They’re just covering us because Rock said well, if you’re going to Darkness have weathered years of we’re here to do hopefully.” most illegal music imaginable in a they want to increase their circula- force us to make a choice… ha ha.” ridicule, there’s a deeply entrenched I can’t detect any guile or country ruled by Tony Blur and the tion because we’ve become so big in This is all well and good. national fever over which Christmas insincerity from this man, though I New Village Preservation Act. In a the UK they need us to sell maga- Brace yourselves for a revolution in single, “Christmas Time (Don’t Let expected to get on the phone with a moment of blinding improbability, zines. We’ve never actually done an good-time Rock, replete with stadi- the Bells End)”, will reach the feted one-act play – a drama student on a however, The Darkness became big- interview with the NME…all the um rock breakdowns, tastefully ren- number one spot on that magical bender. Frankie is, in reality, a musi- ger than, well… bigger than Jesus stuff they’ve got is all picked up.” dered Thin Lizzy-style guitarmonies day…it’s normally Sir Cliff Richard. Jokingly, I ask if the NME and a potty, falsetto-happy dungeon- Suddenly, The Darkness is the front have begged them for an interview master leaping about in the fore- runner for this cherished milestone “We have a saying that yet. ground. And be prepared for the with enough of an edge to convince “Well, actually, yeah…” death of irony (really…). This is no even the band. boobies are the currency laughs Frankie, shyly, “…the editor Crystal Piss-take. It only looks and “…we liked it so much that was actually on his knees begging sounds frivolous, but Frankie is we went down to the bookies to put of success…” Justin to change his mind and actual- relentlessly earnest: down a decent sum of money on us ly talk to him… I swear to God that’s “…in some ways we’re being number one,” he admits before the truth. Basically they dissed us more about aptitude rather than atti- asking, “is Christmas a big thing in cian with the requisite amount of Jones. Remember Jesus Jones? really badly in the early days and we tude… I think that’s what makes us Canada?” pride to play what he loves and an Mega-Unit-Shifting Old Rope haven’t forgiven them so we don’t different. We know how to write Yeah, it’s big, I tell him, endless respect for Classic Rock. invented by the NME magazine and talk to them” songs and we come from that classic but not The Darkness vs. Sir Cliff “We’ve always been out- sold to the world as our saviour ‘till Currently, The Darkness is rock tradition.” Richard sized. siders in a way… I’ve known those they decided that the party was over most effective at power-hosing all Most important of all, “Oh,” he harrumphs, “well guys for seven years. We watched the and they invented Oasis instead? the shit out of rock radio. They might though, they get to see lots of tits. it’ll probably come out next year in whole scene, you know, in That’s how things work over there, actually have destroyed Staind for “We have a saying that Canada.” Camden… all the leftovers from isn’t it? A succession of cunningly instance: boobies are the currency of suc- So I felt that my duty here Brit-Pop and we were never into that manufactured phenomena, built to be “…and those guys all hate cess…” explains Frankie, before was to debunk the big joke driving whole… none of us ever wore track- knocked down. us as well. They refused to have their going on to tell me about every last the post-everything insanity that is suits. We’ve always been into some- “The only magazine that picture taken with us at the Kerrang! one of them. I’m entranced. As the The Darkness. There could be, I con- thing a lot harder and more forceful, actually got behind us as we were Awards, the guys from Staind. They NME would say, after swallowing a tended, no mistaking the whiff of you know? All that baggy, all that coming through was Kerrang!” says actually went to K-Rock New York big salty wad of Darkness spunk, some Kim Fowley-inspired pop Brit-Pop music… I just find it kinda Frankie, soft and polite. The rest of and they said we don’t want to be best band on EARTH!!!! wet and gay-sounding. I find there’s the magazines have come on board played on the same radio station as

13

Cover photo: Laura Murray Hey kids, ití s story time! And who better to tell a Christmas story than crazy olí uncle Adrian? Merry Christmas, Grass By Adrian Mack Danny took stock of the situation: he towards the piss tree and nearly made it before gone). Big Bob would just look away, shake his was hairless, bi-pedal, seven feet tall and full of a cracking sound and unbearable pain reduced head, and try to ignore the sensation that came depressing self-awareness. And that’s a pretty him to zero and nothingness again. from Danny’s intent and needful gaze. When Danny woke up on unexpected condition for a Great Dane to wake “Alright,” started Big Bob, “explain Christmas morning and pulled up to. Equally, his Master was making a com- Big Bob Crockadom, a Unit Shipper for a com- it to me again.” motion now, standing in the threshold of the pany involved in the development and manu- Bob’s Old Lady sniffed back some himself out of his basket, the kitchen, clutching his heart and stammering facturing of Units (“I ship Units” he would little tears and then nervously repeated the first thing he did was smack weak threats to the naked giant standing in the explain), gazed at the naked stranger lying like story. “I wished that Danny would be a human his head on the ceiling. “Arf!” dog basket. Danny did what he always did – he a vanquished angel in a cherry flavoured snow- boy so that he could enjoy Christmas with us. I bounced over and took a good long snort off cone, pulled thoughtfully at his beard and then also wished for world peace.” he cried, except that it came Master’s nuts. They smelled different today. concluded, “Danny has somehow been trans- Big Bob had checked CNN for con- out sounding like, “What the Briny and unpleasant. Things weren’t right. formed into a human boy.” Turning to his Old firmation on that one. Reassuringly, the world The only reassurance he could take was from Lady who was peering nervously from the was still at war so at least she hadn’t fucked fuck?!” which was an expres- the familiar swing of his own proud nuts as he kitchen window, he barked, “Dog to boy trans- that up. sion he was used to hearing (if cantered away, waiting for Master to open the formation! You got something to do with this?” “Anything else?” he squawked. not comprehending) from his back door so that Danny could make his tradi- “No!” she protested, anxiously, “Yes! “Oneness with nature,” she squeaked tional morning trip to the piss tree. But Master Don’t hurt him!” Then she quickly ducked in reply, lowering her head, “then I had a beau- Master. Danny was standing had retreated into the house somewhere and beneath the window as Big Bob shook his head tiful dream where a fairy told me that every- on two legs – odd since he was Danny had to open the door himself, another and sighed. thing was going to be just fine and when I woke new experience for him, not unpleasant, made Inside, Big Bob and his Old Lady up I found some droppings. I think they were a Great Dane conventionally possible by brand new fingers and thumbs. disconsolately unwrapped their presents: an all- fairy droppings.” Then she started crying again. accustomed to using all four – Danny had never felt so hopeful or purpose Black & Decker valve crimper for “Please let him in,” she moaned. and he was freezing due to the excited in his life and he raced around the gar- Bob, raspberry knickers for the Old Lady and, “Too dangerous,” said Big Bob, firm- den, making sure to avoid the chain sunk in the painfully, a horse-hide chewy for Dan the Great ly. “The interference between his dog-like loss of all his fur. “Very fresh Christmas snow. “Haha!” he exclaimed, Dane. Utterly useless now, concluded Big Bob, impulses and the new sensations that accompa- odd…” he thought, in halting waving his arms in the air, circling the garden peering at the blond human sitting expectantly ny his transformation into a human will likely like a Springbok on tip-toes and screaming in the snow. He’d been staring at them for cause unpredictable behaviour. I haven’t decid- English, using his interior “Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!” into the almost an hour now. Every time Big Bob would ed on a course of action yet.” voice which was also brand bracing yuletide dawn. ‘Ooooh ooooh’, he look out at the boy, Danny would erect himself thought, ‘I almost forgot to piss.’ He leapt a little and try and wag his tail (which was new. see Christmas on next page...

15 Cover bered that he didn’t even have a watch and he a puddle of his own piss as he was put down. kill. The Old Lady pulled away slowly and her Christmas cont’d from previous was speaking into his wrist. They both had a “I did the right thing, so settle your mouth curled into a tight p-p-p-pout as the tears good laugh about that, and then a guy in a ass down before I throw that goddamn turkey started up again. She didn’t put up a fight. He took another look at Danny. Kevlar suit came out of the ceiling. out of the goddamn window and you with it,” Danny only had to lean in and pull her throat Danny’s body once again tautened, his plead- Bob hollered. out and it yielded as easily as a well-boiled ing eyes became bright and his ass started to The ride home was cold and painful. Big Bob And Danny could feel, all over again, drumstick and tasted just as good, too. She was shake expectantly. could sense all manner of long-suppressed his body in panic when something long and still fluttering against the floor when he did the “No dice,” whispered Bob. The Old human impulses volleying signals at his brain. cruel was jabbed into his neck, the subsequent same to Big Bob, who woke up just in time to Lady started balling again. Big Bob picked up Compassion, pity, love… the Old Lady was odour of fried onions and the terror of paralysis see it coming. His throat tasted like smokes. the phone and called Dr. Larry Blackmon, over brimming with these things, though she that followed. And he saw the darkness that bil- About twelve hours later Danny at the Animal Emergency Centre. Larry remained pallid and inert for the entire drive. lowed up and around him. And he could hear enjoyed the exquisite pleasure of shitting his Blackmon was curious. “Bring Danny over,” Occasionally, she would sniff a little. She did- the wailing like it was right in front of him. parents out all over the yard, in vast ropes of he said. n’t look at him and the roads were wet and vile “He’ll never know the difference…” curdled dump that felt luxurious compared to with slush. said Big Bob, flatly, the ting of cutlery punctu- the diminutive dog-parcels of yesterday. Then Larry Blackmon scanned the naked human Danny snoozed on the back seat. ating his indifference, while Danny, remember- he returned to the house where he slipped into sprawled across the clinic’s stainless steel When the car eventually stopped, he felt him- ing everything now, moved a trembling hand the Old Lady’s raspberry knickers, cranked up table. Thoughtfully, he cupped Danny’s jaw self being lifted into the house and then folded across his stomach and abdomen, down and “Fruit Party” by The Hey! Boys and resumed and examined the inside of his mouth with an roughly into his basket. He couldn’t open his over his cock, between his thighs where, as the crimping every last thing in the whole index finger. Then he helped him onto his eyes and his mouth felt thick. Or his teeth felt horror mounted, he found nothing but the Goddamned place. Then he waited for spring. knees and stroked his back. Danny smiled. loose. He didn’t know. Being human was all crimped remnants of his ball-sac and a care- Larry Blackmon had always been gentle with about guessing, he thought gradually, and lessly applied band-aid. It was spring and Danny was enjoying a cock- him. tail on the patio when he heard the new grass “Well,” began Larry Blackmon, “this arriving. Pop! Was the sound it made as it is a human being. Probably the result of some broke through the ground, stretching and yawn- sort of Christmas Miracle.” Reaching into his ing towards the sky and trembling at its own pocket for a Canine/Human Conversion Table, arrival. The first grass of spring, Danny mar- he concluded that Danny was about thirteen veled, it’s like the down of the earth and as years old. fresh as a farmer’s daughter. He sniffed at it “I’m just going to run a few tests, to nervously then moved in even closer to behold see if he’s Danish,” Larry Blackmon explained, the tiny green face of Big Bob Crockadom, sliding a Lynyrd Skynyrd CD into his deck. who was beholding right back at Danny with “Let’s try ‘Saturday Night Special’.” widening green eyes and screaming in a tiny Big Bob and his Old Lady looked on voice, audible only to dogs. Millions of little nervously. Danny stared back at them with a Bobs, as a matter of fact, a whole garden flush vaguely tortured expression. Nothing. Larry with tiny green Bobs and a million more tiny Blackmon shook his head and continued, “Just green Old Ladies, all of them twisting to survey as I suspected. Now let’s observe while I play their lot and each screaming silently into the current Euro-pop sensation “Fruit Party” by buzzing maw of life on earth could be heard, The Hey! Boys.” not to mention a lot of barking from the neigh- Ooomst, ooomst, ooomst! bourhood dog population. “Yep…” he gestured towards the “Hello Bob!” Danny shouted as dancing 13 year old, “He’s Danish. Note the loudly as he could, causing the lawn to anguish seamless transition from Cherry Moon-era- visibly since grass has ears but not hands. Prince-derived hand fountains into robot with “There was still a little residual dying battery. He’s a natural.” magic left in my colon, Bob!” he explained, “Hand fountains!” yelled Danny, very loudly, “Welcome back! By the way, the excitedly. warehouse is a fucking mess! Units sitting Larry Blackmon led Big Bob into the around going nowhere, gathering dust and get- debriefing room, sat him down and engaged the ting in everybody’s way. It’s an uproar of scramblers. A low hum filled the sector and unshipped Units, Bob!” Millions of grass Bobs Larry Blackmon took an urgent drag on his cig- shrieked. arette, tapping his nails anxiously on the con- “It looks like the Old Lady got what sole. she wanted after all! You’re at one with nature “What I’m about to say,” he began, now, ain’t ya you fucking retard,” Danny cack- “goes no further than this glass room. You got led. it?” “By the way,” he continued, “you Big Bob nodded. Larry Blackmon also got all that peace on earth business,” and threw the toggle on the blast shields, which as if to prove it, a low-flying Muslim Goodwill slammed into position, quaking the entire clin- photo Laura Murray Jet darted overhead, dropping friendship pins ic. and a delicious Middle-Eastern sweet known as “I can’t offer you a refund on everything seems to matter. He was uncomfort- When Danny woke up again, for the fifth time ghorayebah. Danny’s imminent… procedure.” His eyes nar- able with the possibility of things like disease. in one day, The Old Lady was rubbing his belly. “It just took a little longer,” he rowed. Warmth had become a need when it used to be It didn’t help. They’d cut off his knackers. explained. Big Bob nodded again, slowly this a given. Humour was thin in this world. Voices What an appalling thing to do on Christmas A small section of the lawn seemed time. (Larry Blackmon may or may not be giv- were no longer a comfort. Now they were omi- Day. to rear up suddenly, as if it might heave itself ing me a choice, he calculated. This is the crit- nous. His thoughts were loud and strident and “It’ll be OK, Danny,” she sing- out of the ground and take off on foot, but ical moment in my life. Everything begins critically fast. He wanted to kill something. songed to him. “The only thing you’ll never do Danny went and jumped all over it. Then, again, right here.) returning to the patio, he set up a big laminated “Do you have to do it today?” he poster on an easel. It illustrated the organic asked, weakly. Danny did what he always did – structure of grass. Danny had considerately cir- Dr. Larry Blackmon laughed. “Big cled the reproductive system, residing as it did Bob,” he said between chuckles, “you know he bounced over and took a good in the tip. Turning to the lawn, he announced, “I that I’m the only veterinarian in the entire intend to keep a well groomed garden. We’ll region who offers this kind of service on long snort off Master’s nuts. They meet again on Sunday. With a lawnmower.” Christmas Day. That’s why I can afford to take Somewhere at the back, one vital and the rest of the year off. See Big Bob, that’s my smelled different today. Briny and extraordinary little blade of Bob managed a angle. Do you understand that? My angle.” scream that even Danny could hear and he duti- “No refunds, eh?” unpleasant. Things weren’t right. fully tracked it down and pinched off its nuts. “Word up, bro” he winked, “It’s our “Fuck you,” he said, “and a merry policy.” “You’re a monster,” he could hear the is enjoy sex. He’s a good man, really,” she was fucking Christmas, grass.” “Policy…?” inquired Big Bob, one Old Lady braying, “And he’s just a boy! Why gazing absently at Big Bob, who was snoozing It was time for the New World last time. couldn’t you wait! Why couldn’t you wait!?” on the couch while the TV chattered. “Big Bob President, Bill Murray, to address the planet Larry Blackmon applied intensive And he heard a thumping sound followed by has been shipping Units for almost sixteen with a message of continued global well-being care to each word. “We do not offer refunds,” some gurgling. years, hon. You should know these things about and Danny eagerly made his way to the living he repeated, sounding like a guillotine if a guil- “Fifteen years!” bellowed Big Bob, your father.” room. lotine was a vet with a no refund policy. “Fifteen years I’ve been shipping Units!!! I’ll She pointed a shortbread cookie Picking a blade of the Old Lady on Big Bob looked on, took a couple of make the decisions around here!!!” baked into the shape of a bone and decorated his way, he told her, “I’m sorry you had to be big breaths and made his decision. Larry Danny’s mind flashed back to the with silver balls at him. She pushed it right up involved in this. You should never have hooked Blackmon smiled and spoke into his watch. clinic and the dark figure with the parka and the against his teeth and tried to jab it into his up with such an asshole.” “We’re moving in on the Danish balaclava and the Kevlar suit that slid down mouth. Her brow knitted and she jabbed a little Then he ate her. kid,” he instructed. Then he remembered that from the ceiling on a rope that seemed to unfurl harder but Danny had adopted a spring-coiled his watch was actually just a watch and not a out of nowhere. He remembered choking and attitude of silent readiness that came out of his combination voice transmitter. Then he remem- a struggle and his feet pounding and sliding in dog heart and usually signified his intention to

16

Hey Mercedes 8 Ball’’s Top Ten Wish List Loses Control Vagrant Records n the true spirit of the season, I guitar the way it shouldn’t be ful in their solo endeavors, 7 - Brian May / Queen - Sheer have decided to bequeath all of since the dawn of time. In a Schenker in the oft-overlooked Heart Attack, Hollywood Records Once a side-project Iyou would be Van-Halen-Ray- wrestling mask and diaper, no U.F.O., Jon Roth riding a crystal Insanely technical and classy at for three members Vaughns with the most glorious less. unicorn through a storm of rain- the same time. He could totally of Braid, Chicago’s gift of all - my expert opinion. I’ve bow teardrops, their godlike bro down at a 5-star bistro and talk Hey Mercedes have noticed a disturbing trend lately. 2 - Buck Dharma/ Blue Oyster tenure in the Scorpions is face- fine wines or imported mustard all untangled them- Whether you’re gobbling turds at Cult - Blue Oyster Cult, Sony meltingly good. night long. selves from their emo roots and are the Cobalt or deep-throating the Okay, forget about ‘Don’t Fear now making head- “big nutty” for a 40 minute jam at The Reaper’ for two seconds and 5 - Matt Pike / High On Fire - 8 - Ritchie Blackmore / Rainbow way into the straight-ahead rock circuit. the Sugar Refinery, you all stink! just try to wrap your mind around Surrounded By Thieves, Relapse - Rainbow Rising, Polygram Growing in scope and sound, while not neglect- Look, Hendrix is nothing more “Transmaniacon M.C.” or “Cities After he kicked everyone out of Everyone knows that the solo on ing their volatile punk beginnings, Hey than a poster on a retard’s bed- On Flame With Rock And Roll,” Sleep because they couldn’t nail “Hi-Way Star” is one of the finest Mercedes has the potential of finding a larger room wall and Clapton was so ter- just don’t look at the laser. the bass solo on “Jerusalem”, he moments in O.W.O.B.H.M. (Old fan-base in much the same way Bleed rible that his own son took a swan- formed H.O.F. and crushed all in Wave Of British Heavy Metal), American did for Jimmy Eat World. The lead- dive of the 53rd floor. That is why his path. Better than stoner rock “Star Gazer” is the real mind-shit. off single, “Quality Revenge At Last” and I have compiled a list of THE top because he doesn’t sing in that They also have Dio. slower-paced “Police Police Me” are solid, energetic rock songs capable of becoming hits ten axe-slingers of all time and Chris Cornell voice or have wood- for these up-and-comers. While their dedicated their most inspirational recorded en finger tips. 9 - Neal Schon / Jorney - Infinity, followers may worry at the potential of Loses moments for your gift-giving Sony Control being another cross-over casualty, pleasure. While Journey came to represent mainstream radio could benefit from this breath the cocagne wishes and of fresh air. Chlamydia dreams of 80’s excess, -Adam Simpkins few can deny the inspirational power of “Don’t Stop Believin”. Pennywise For me, the real deal was Neal’s Out of the Ashes Epitaph dink-blistering leads on Steve Perry’s 1978 debut with the boyz. Listening to new Believe that. Pennywise is like going to 10 - Ernie C/ Body Count - Body McDonald’s, you Count, Warner Bros. know what you’re Almost forgot about tha brovaz. going to get, but 3 - Neil Young / Crazy Horse - While I did consider legends like you still look up at Everbody Knows This Is Nowhere, Ike and Curtis in this piece, my the menu. Pennywise fans will love this record. It’s jam-packed with all the hooks that pretty Warner Bros. man Ernie C whipped them like a much spawned this genre of punk music. If there’s a style of wank-centric slave trader in the south. Besides They’ve put out a mediocre record or two in the guitar music to emerge in the last having more taste in the tip of his past, but this one shreds. Stand-outs are 30 years that old Shakey didn’t do 6 - Rick Nielsen / Cheap Trick – cock than all these dudes com- “Waiting” and “Holiday in the Sun”. The guys before AND better than anyone Live At Budokan, Sony bined, he is also one of the found- get a little more political on this record with else, I haven’t heard it. Ripped off by everyone from ing fathers of true black-metal. content on post-9/11 America and coping with 1 - Hewhocannotbenamed / The Green Day to Turbonegro, the live -8 Ball the bullshit. As an added bonus, there’s a DVD Dwarves - Thank Heaven for 4 - Michael Schenker and Uli album was faster, louder and hard- with all sorts of insight into the making of the Little Girls, SubPop Jon Roth / Scorpions - The Tokyo er than its studio counterparts. Up album, as well as footage of their jam spot and live footage. All you punks could learn a thing Tapes, Hip-O Records there with E.L.O. for 70’s pop- -Jono Jak or two from Hewho, playing the While they’ve both been success- rock genius. Rob the Viking Anthrax Brutal split CD from Australia’s Fuck I’m Dead Beats to Pillage Volume 8: The Blue Monday and Portland, Oregon’s Engorged. The cover and Conquer By threat is real What’s Done is is a nice professional glossy job with gore art- Battle Axe Sanctuary Done work featuring a hand with hooked barbs hold- Stab and Kill ing an eyeball. Fuck I’m Dead is brutal There must have This is a re-issue Records death/gore grind with a drum machine. F.I.D. been badly dam- from 1998 because, doesn’t sound as bad, say, as Mortician or aged pickings from apparently, the orig- This is the kind of something, meaning the drum machine almost The Nerve box on inal album received CD that you can lis- sounds like it could pass for over-triggered this day. The insufficient distrib- ten to on endless human drums. Judging by song titles like Swollen Members’ uted. However, repeat. I’ve lost “Anal Abbatoir”, Carcass is a huge influence on DJ mixes some there are some differences between the first and count of how many F.I.D. The Engorged portion of this disc has sweet beats and samples. Nothing inspiring second CD. The latest version includes a new times these 12 tracks have looped in the past only five tracks and like F.I.D., Carcass is a enough to make me pillage and conquer, but track, “Giving the Horns”, which is pretty two hours (running time is 21 minutes, so you huge influence on Engorged— Only, unlike a rather smoke some blunts and chill the fuck out. good; a cover of Radiohead’s “The Bends” that figure it out). What we have here is East Coast lot of other Carcass worshiping bands (i.e. -Coffee Guy should have never been done; two DRI covers, hardcore straight outta, well, Vancouver. The Exhumed), Engorged is much more original “I’d Rather be Sleeping” and “Snap”, which are cool thing about Blue Monday is they take a and the sound quality is wicked with super Smogtown definite stand-outs. This version also contains a very typical youth crew sound and add their catchy break-downs and top quality musician- Tales of Gross lame CDR video of “Inside Out”. If you’re a own originality to create a way more lively ship. They have by far one of the best song Pollution true Anthrax fan, you should check this out. If batch of songs that don’t sound cliché, or old, titles “Surgery, Drugs and Rock & Roll”. Disaster Records your sittin’ on the fence, remain seated and or copycat. Just raging hardcore with bile- Overall, a kick-ass gore-grind disc. enjoy the comfort of your post. infested lyrics and enough finger-pointing to -Stefan Nevatie This band captures -Coffee Guy make even the toughest pit-bosses squirm in the Southern their baggy pants. Blue Monday’s What’s Done A Global Threat California punk- Antidote Is Done combined with its War Wounds EP, Earache/Pass the hardcore sound in Back In Year Zero (both recorded at Jesse Gander’s Rec-Age Time this album of early Dirty Faces Recorders and sounding damn good too), will Rodent Popsicle recordings. The blow all hardcore posers clear out of circle pit. tracks are fast, raw Back with a Fucking go! Like the majority and showcase their songwriting abilities. Now vengeance, -Jason Schreurs of the many fine defunct, Smogtown is brimming with the sort Holland’s Antidote acts on this label, of talent every new suburban garage band pull no punches in Catch 22 Global Threat hails would love to have. With no song dragging on dishing out another Dinosaur Sounds from Boston. longer than three minutes, this best-of LP is balls-out release. Victory Records Playing an old- lightning in a bottle; great old school punk with Production wise, school hardcore style, which I picture accom- instrumental and vocal proficiency. Tales of things have been polished up, but the relentless Catchy punk rock with horns and sing-along panying a frantic circle-pit live, this disc, being Gross Pollution makes me want to see them agro style continues to pummel all those in choruses. Good, but lacking that tingling sensa- 6 songs in 9 minutes and 30 some odd seconds, live. sight. Lyrically, the message is strong, loud and tion under the balls, so I’ll be moving along. leaves the listener wanting more and wondering -Daniel Holiday clear, speaking against globalization, govern- -Coffee Guy why more material wasn’t included. However, ment corruption and the endless problems that the retail price is cheaper then that of a six- plague the society we live in. Three out of fif- Fuck… I’m Dead VS. Engorged pack, so there’s no reason not to go pick it up as The Mexican Blackbirds teen songs are sung in the group’s mother s/t Split CD well. Just to Spite You tongue. This is shit you can’t fuck with! No Escape Records -Aaronoid Dirtnap Records - Aaronoid

18 gent Badly Damaged really shit the bed A great sounding punk record! Lots of gritty on this one. His mission was to flirt his high-end guitars, the same rad sound Zipgun captured in the 90s. I love that shit. Kicking off Away back to Chris Trashcan’s apart- The Mexican Blackbirds with “The Blackbird Theme”, chanting ment for an après-gig drink, where the coquet- “Everybody hates us” really sets the mood for tish Damaged would wait for the Mexican the rest of the album. I love the sound coming Blackbird frontman to excuse himself to slip out of Washington and these guys epitomize the into something a little more comfortable. At Northwest punk sound. Your head starts uncon- that point, our Nerve Mata Hari was supposed trollably moving… then it to roofie our unsuspecting lead travels throughout your singer and ransack his apartment body down to your feet. for top secret code-of-the-road Before you know it, you’re just spazzing out. Or documents. Instead, Damaged maybe I’m just drunk. I’m was so gobsmacked by the soft definitely going to take a silhouette of Trashcan in his closer look at the roster on negligee that he forgot what Dirtnap. glass he slipped in the “forget -Jono Jak pill”. Long story short, Damaged blacked out, woke up with a bleeding ass and is currently waiting to hear from The Nerve The Streetwalkin’ Cheetahs Review Board about his future with the agency. In the mean-

Maximum Overdrive The Mexican Blackbirds photo: Courtesy of Alive Records time, Nerve officials hatched a new plan to pose as music writers and conduct the follow- tle over a year ago, at The Pic Pub. I think it as they poured out. We suck so bad, Jill I’d heard of The ing email interview: was our 4th show ever. We showed up at 5 decides we’d stunk up Canada enough and Streetwalkin’s o’clock and started drinking beer. I had never walks off stage. The 2 guys into us saw on our Cheetahs, yet What band or solo artist does your band never been to Canada before, so I had no idea about set list we had “Lights Out” (NOT the Angry couldn’t remember want to be compared to? the whole looney and tooney form of currency. Samoans tune, our own with the same title). much about them. The fucking Grateful Dead. I give the bartender a $20 and he hands me They kept screaming for us to play it. We told It turns out they were at Naughty back a handful of coins. I asked what gives, them it wasn’t a cover. We coerced Jill into Camp 2001, but On your dream bill, what acts would your and he fucking goes off on me ‘cause I didn’t coming back onstage to play for the few still anyone who says band be slotted in between? understand. Like, literally yelling at me, the left in attendance. Corey still had his eyes they have a vivid Speaking solely for myself, I would definitely dumb American rube. Luckily for me, the tip closed he was so wasted. We started the song, recollection of what want The Motards to be on there, but I could- jar was full of coins (looneys and tooneys) so I and I look down to see the 2 guys singing the went on that week- n’t decide on the other band. The Stooges? tipped him all night in American nickels. Angry Samoans song along to our shitty song, end is lying. With an eclectic range of influ- The Loudmouths? The Chumps? New Bomb Dick. Anyway, after that fiasco, we get our which isn’t even remotely close in sounding ences, this band fuses punk, rock ‘n’ roll and Turks? The Candysnatchers? FUCK! I drink on. We had to borrow a friend’s gear to alike. I don’t know if we finished or not. pop. Maximum Overdrive contains vinyl rari- don’t know! Do I lose points for this one? play on, but I didn’t know we had to go get it. Goddamn we were drunk. One guy told us he ties compiled over their ten-year existence. Good shit. If you haven’t already, get into it. I had to drive across Vancouver, drunk as hell, had never seen a bar clear out so fast. -Daniel Holiday What recording humbles you every time you to 2 different places to get all the gear. Then hear it and why? we get back to the bar to discover that we are Favourite D.O.A. song? V/A Raw Power is amazing in its total fucked-up- headlining the bill. Shit. The first and second I’m not too knowledgeable on D.O.A., Take Action! ed-ness production wise. The Motards Rock bands go on, and we are completely shitfaced. although I know I’ve heard a lot of their songs Volume 3 Kids album, to me, is perfect imperfection, in COMPLETELY. I think we made it through and liked them. I’ve even seen them twice. Can Sub City all aspects. Guitar Romantic by The the first song unscathed, but after that, our gui- I substitute another Canadian band? I’ll say Exploding Hearts is a prime example of a per- tar player Corey just decided to go on some “Ship That Died of Shame” or “Lester Bangs” Here we have a 45 fect pop record. Totally jaw dropping. This sort of freedom rock jam, because he sure as from the Nasty On, or anything from The track enhanced double CD for a is kind of like that “dream bill” question, hell wasn’t playing our songs. I look over and Evaporators since I’m not “in the know” on good cause, so pick because I could go on and on and on. his eyes are closed and his head is tipped back, D.O.A. I guess some of those super-fine it up regardless of and he’s just wailing away. Our drummer Jill Canadian ladies will have to bring me a D.O.A. the cost. Five per Worst gig ever? had to tie the snare stand to the drum throne (a mixed tape next time we come up there. cent of the proceeds go to The National Funny since this mag is from Vancouver, but wooden seat) with her shoestring ‘cause it was -Sarah Rowland Hopeline Network that runs 1-800-SUICIDE our “worst” show was in Vancouver, BC, a lit- broken. I was kicking beers into the audience (no, not the classic Gravediggaz track, the hot- line silly!). And it’s another one with a free e- These ‘Peg City me or is Brodie a technical skill which could satisfy the likes of book: Suicide: The Forever Decision by Dr. punks have suc- dead-ringer for both punks and metal heads. 88-89 has re- Quinnett. Also include is a depression screen- ceeded in putting Courtney Love? recorded versions of songs from those years. A ing tool, information on suicide prevention together a decent Just a few of the 12 few of the positive ditties on this record are training programs, links, volunteer opportuni- album. With one songs go beyond “Junkie Bastard”, “Allston Violence”, “Scum ties, and petitions to sign. All current emo and army boot standing lovesick limp. I Bag”, “Fuck You” “Scumbag” and “All Bands hardcore, all previously released with the on the neck of could pick maybe Suck”. With “Shoot People Not Dope”, the exception of a couple tracks. Highlights con- political street three that gallop up group’s latest release illustrates that sound sist of material from Shai Hulud, Good punk, and the other to a punk pace. The wise; 14 years have matured the group without Riddance, Avenged Sevenfold, and Shadows stuck in a fat sticky rest sound like distracting from its pessimism. Fall. As someone who’s no stranger to depres- wad of sugary pink something that -Aaronoid. sion, I can honestly say that this is an invalu- bubblegum, do a fine job of could have come out in the second tier able tool in getting the word out to the youth on mixing textures and intensity levels. The grunge/Veruca Salt era. Coral Fang comes Trans Am this often misunderstood disease. music is varied and dynamic, but always main- across so last-decade, and with the mid-‘90s Liberation -Matt Smith taining an energetic, boppy sounding punk. dream team of Gil Norton (Pixies, Foo Thrill Jockey Records Like Anti-Flag, they contrast the melodic style Fighters) and Andy Wallace (countless good The Bouncing Souls of the music with political lyrics of consider- ‘90s albums) behind the boards, it kinda makes This is highly ambitious stuff that goes beyond Anchors Aweigh able venom. Environmental issues, anti-con- sense. ’ crack at the mainstream normal expectations of a good record. It starts Epitaph sumerism, and feminism are just a few of the may just put them into every angsty teenager’s with an instrumental of heavy handed funk that themes covered by several different singers. bedroom, but those looking for a solid punk could only find company with Primus. Then This is the fourth record the Bouncing Souls Vocal duties are shared between a male, who record better take another listen to the new straight into a Throbbing Gristle-like primitive have put out on Epitaph and like the others, it’s has that Billy-Hopeless-type-of raspiness, and Rancid. electronic pulsating thing with doctored snip- stuffed with sing-along anthems. Greg Attonito a sweet sounding female. Together, these two -Jason Schreurs pets of Bush speeches strung together to reveal croons like a Japanese man doing karaoke, singers could take those two kissing siblings his sinister plans for America. This album goes while The Pete carries him from beginning to from Len out behind the woodshed fer an ol’ Toxic Narcotic all over the place in terms of electronic and end with thick sustaining power chords. From fashioned whoopin’. And, like batteries for X- 89-99 organic sounds, yet it never sounds scattered or the ripping of “New Day” to the shredding of mas toys, guitar solos are generously included. Rodent Popsicle fragmented. Fucking brilliant shit. HEAVY “Highway Kings”, I dare you to pull the plug -J. Pee Patchez breakbeats and fuzzed-out guitar with space on this without listening to the entire album. I managed to catch solos one minute, then a Cure-like synth-driven The songs on this record seem more developed The Distillers these East Coast piece of classic alternative the next. Witness a than past efforts. I guess that’s what being Coral Fang diehards open for seething, moody instrumental moment stopped around and playing steady for a decade will do. Hellcat/Sire both GBH and UK short with a sample calling for the nuking of -Jono Jak Subs on different Washington DC, only to be thrown into a Land If this is Brodie’s answer to the new Rancid occasions over the of Rape and Honey type of scary dance number. The Brat Attack album (most of Tim’s songs on Indestructible last year. Their live All the while, the live sounding instrumentation Destruction Sound System were about their messy split) then I’m siding set proved that the all-out pulverizing HC is amazing, interfacing perfectly with the robot- Steel Capped Records / Longshot Music with the marble-mouthed Mohawk dude. Coral ruckus could be dished out just as hard live! ic droning. Get very stoned. Fang sounds like second-rate Hole… Is it just The mighty Toxic Narcotic has a great deal of -J. Pee Patchez

19 Chris Walter, I was a punk... Bukowski.

Who inspires you most as a punk? Ha ha. Once again, you know, there is so many different answers. Everybody from the real old school guys like Iggy, who’s before punk, to new bands who are still around like The Swinging Udders. I like local bands like the Nasty On. Fuck, you know, there’s just so many to get it down to one or two.

What has been the highest point in Vancouver punk history? Shit, probably before I moved here. For me, the hardcore thing peaked around ‘82 or ‘83 but I think for kids who are just getting in to it now, they would tell you “last week”. It all depends on how old you are I suppose, and who yer hangin’ out with and what band yer into. It’s hard to say.

What do you reckon as the lowest point? The lowest point was the years I spent too fucked up on dope to go to shows. That was the lowest point. But you know, things have photo: Laura Murray swung back around since then and I’m going Chris Walter to start going out to a lot of shows. So things I Was a Punk Before You Were a Punk have changed, you know, there were good Gofuckyerselfpress times, bad times, life goes on. Three scruffy punks throw a sack over my What on God’s green earth prompted you to head and start marching me up a dark alley. share your personal memoirs with the world? Spiked wristbands press into my back. I’m That’s a good question. And, the truth is, I beginning to regret asking for the whereabouts don’t really know. I’ve thought about it some- of the author and old school punk. times, and (pauses) I just wanted to see if it Why didn’t they trust me? Must have been was something I could do without coming the Rainforest Ale on my breath. I’m led to a across as some self-aggrandizing bullshit. I burnt-out subterranean squat and thrown at the thought, well, if I can just be real about it. I boot covered feet of Chris Walter. Torches wanted to see how it would turn out. I wasn’t flicker on the walls, punk blares from some old even sure if I was going to put it out there or speakers. It is Apocalypse Now, and he is not. I just figured I’d write it down and see their Brando. I hastily explain I’m with The what happens. I think I was pretty honest Nerve and therefore not fully a bottom-feeding about a lot of shit…. So, after I finished it, I media parasite to punk culture. He agrees to a was like, well, it’s the truth. It doesn’t have few questions but stops short of guaranteeing the happiest ending and shit. Heh heh. But my safe return to the surface. for me it was reality and there are definitely high and low points in it. That’s life, you Who inspires you most as a writer? know? Well, lots of people, actually. Anyone from -J. Pee Patchez Steinbeck to Irvine Welsh. I have lots of dif- ferent influences from lots of different places… anybody from Elmore James to

Chris Walter punk, he gives Chuck a holler in the book. Set I Was a Punk Before You Were a Punk against the backdrop of the first tours of Black Gofuckyerselfpress Flag, DOA, SNFU, and countless others, are dark, squirmingly personal, often humourous Whether you’re stories about relationships, police brutality, red- a punk who neck brutality, and more ugly drug use per thinks heavy chapter than Hunter S. Thompson’s entire body reading is find- of work. Like Suburbia and River’s Edge, ing the rabbits there are good times and camaraderie as well as on a can of Pil, tragedy and funerals. He may not have nick- or you can named an entire generation of humans yet, but recite Mein as far as Vancouver writers go, Chris Walter Kampf back- makes Douglas Coupland look about as snide wards in as Mike McCardle. Deutsche, as a -J. Pee Patchez fan, you gotta love learning Lester Bangs the history of Mainlines, Blood Feasts and Bad Taste punk culture. This book is as essential to any Anchor Books self-respecting punk as a stubby stained copy of Feed Us A Fetus. If you were a punk in The latest collection Western Canada from 1980-1984, this book of Lester Bangs’ will be like a high school yearbook, only with music articles is the MDA. If you were hatched from 1970 on this perfect Xmas gift book provides a voyeuristic look into the earli- for aspiring rock est days of Canadian punk when, as Chris writers, musicians, Walter will tell you, “punk rock was not avail- members of Adrian able at the shopping mall; when a mohawk and Mack’s inner circle, a leather jacket was a standing invitation to and general all- rumble”. In the spirit of an outlaw biker con- around opinionated fessional, Walter’s no-frills writing style comes assholes. across like old stories told over a table full of Mainlines, Blood empties. He brings life to the small details of Feasts and Bad everyday existence, and spares the reader no Taste, edited by fel- ugly details about himself in the same bare low rock critic John Morthland, is a follow-up manner as Charles Bukowski. Like a true

20 Music Books & DVDs to Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung, a burning Norwegian black metal scene is traced tion online access, oh wait, I just did. outtakes, which is worth watching if not for its now- classic collection of Bangs’ work com- back to the shattered roots of the disturbed -Jono Jak rougher, more candid feel, then for the simple piled by Greil Marcus. Bangs was a music individuals responsible, instead of simply fact that it is all still relevant to the actual film. maniac who lived for rock ‘n’ roll. When he labeling the whole genre as violent and danger- Three Days I’m sure these scenes were only cut due to time thought it was terrible, he wrote it down with- ous. All of the big metal names are candidly Starring Jane’s Addiction constraints. out the slightest hesitation and when he loved interviewed in the book (we get Ozzy, Halford, EMI / Sanctuary -A.D. MADGRAS it, he gushed like a teenage boy trying to get Dickinson, Ulrich, Mustaine and many, many laid. “From 1969 until his death in 1982, Lester more), and some rare live photos are the perfect Three Days is pre- KISS Bangs was one of the most prolific rock critics visual compliment to Christe’s beneath-the- sented as a film Symphony in America,” the introduction states, “writing surface reflections. The book also benefits starring Jane’s Sanctuary for Creem, The Village Voice, and from helpful chapter summaries and various Addiction, which pretty much every other music-oriented publi- trivia-style lists, something metal nerds have might seem obvi- Over the top, over cation in the known world.” His Kerouac- been known to obsess over from time to time. ous, but there is a produced, over- inspired spontaneous prose and chemically When it comes to books about heavy metal, reason for this. As accessorized, over- fueled run-on sentences are beautiful punk- “Sound of the Beast” is a comprehensive and the DVD rolls indulgent, and huge rock imperfections that put substance before exhilarating read that will have headbangers through the 1997 as hell. Nothing less style. In the process, Bangs created a style of exclaiming, “Yes, someone finally gets it!” “I-It’z M’My than KISS at their his own, one which would become the template -Jason Schreurs Party” Relapse tour best, save for the for future rock writers everywhere. An interest- with a documentary Ace Frehley stand ing addition to the latest compilation is an type setup, we get in…which leaves excerpt from an autobiographical piece Bangs DVDs to see what appear one wondering if wrote as a teenager, which gives the reader a Paul Di’Anno to be genuine backstage antics, drama and con- they made Tommy glimpse of Bangs’ early writing and explains The Beast in the East fusion. There’s backstage footage of a strung- Thayer a new outfit where the derangement began. The articles Metal Mind Productions out Dave Navarro talking to a friend on the or just scrubbed out explore such absurdities as the brimming sexu- phone about being up for 5 days and another Ace’s old one… ality of Anne Murray, who Bangs cheekily calls For the early phone conversation trying to convince his girl- hmm. The two DVD KISS Symphony features “a hypnotically compelling interpretrix with a Maiden-head in friend she’d leave him if he cleaned himself up. the entire live concert in 3 acts (a set without voice like molten high school rings and a heavy your life, comes the There is footage of Perry Farrell talking philos- the orchestra, an acoustic one with a small erotic vibe.” In a more serious piece about first ever DVD ophy with rabbis and coming away looking string section and then the full on orchestra for Nico’s record The Marble Index, the writer gets from original singer prophetic and being called “ahead of his time”. the third) and behind-the-scenes footage of the vulnerable and says “...I love it so passionately Paul Di’Anno. The self-promotion is evident, not surprisingly “making” the one-off concert played February that I’m terrified of what that might say about Featuring three live as it is co-produced by Navarro, but this isn’t 28th, 2003 in Melbourne, Australia. The entire me.” There are moments when it seems Bangs concerts plus and overbearing element. Farrell is also quot- orchestra wore KISS face makeup. Cute. The had too much time and too many substances on extras, The Beast in ed as saying he doesn’t know how much money backstage, behind the scenes footage is inter- hand and he loses the point or he verbally anni- the East has the he has, only that he can get a sandwich within esting, but not all that enlightening. What can I hilates your childhood idol. He is also guilty of operatically chal- an hour anytime he wants one… and he’s seri- say? It’s KISS for fuck’s sake. Go stuff it in complicating the simple pleasure of rock ‘n’ lenged Di’Anno ous. I guess that’s as good of a way to measure that KISS fan’s stocking, they’ll love it. roll and going too deep and taking it too liter- and his merry band success as any. Verdict? Get it. It’s good. A.D. MADGRAS ally, but his brilliant descriptions and gorgeous of non-Maidens satire make it easy to forget. But most of all, limping through classics like “Wrathchild,” Bonus Material: This DVD has what amounts what makes Bangs so damn readable is his “Phantom of the Opera” and, of course, “Iron to a second film presented as a compilation of absolute love for every moment the needle Maiden.” It’s all a little depressing until an in- moves along the vinyl grooves and his ability depth interview with Di’Anno exposes the bald to make the reader understand that rock ‘n’ roll one as a down-to-earth punter with a fondness means so much because it feels so fucking for UK punk bands like G.B.H. and The good. Exploited. Seems Maiden was getting a little -Cookie too polished for him, so he moved on (just don’t ask him to explain the second Battlezone Ian Christe album). Say what you want about the guy, but Sound of the Beast: The Complete it was a bold move and he did manage to total- Headbanging History of Heavy Metal ly avoid Maiden’s spandex years. Fans will be Harper Entertainment stoked to hear behind-the-scenes gossip as Di’Anno pulls no punches about Maiden’s Heavy metal nerds early days in a lengthy Q&A with a Metal should give a hail Hammer journalist. The Di’Anno live shows of appreciation to take a back seat to the interview, but fret not, Ian Christe and his we get almost two hours worth of fairly ripping new book, Sound of concert footage. This DVD could be the cheap the Beast. This gift alternative to a life-size Eddie doll; I hear extensive, 400- those fetch a pretty penny. page examination -Jason Schreurs of a tragically mis- understood form of Guttermouth music proves, once Guttermouth: Live at the House of Blues and for all, that Kung Fu Records metalheads are not brainless bangers; Kung Fu Records’ sixth installment of The they are intelligent, Show Must Go Off! Live DVD Series, features socially conscious fans of music that speaks to Guttermouth blazing through 20 of their all their generation with equal moral clarity. time hits at the House of Blues. They tear Christe starts at metal’s inception, some 30 through songs like “Asshole”, “Chicken Box” years ago, in the dark, damp streets of and “Bruce Lee vs. KISS Army” without miss- Birmingham with the birth of metal dinosaurs ing a beat. Lots of groups are putting DVDs out Black Sabbath. He then painstakingly details and it’s cool because you get a unique insight the evolution of metal into its current position into the band that you don’t get from just the atop the rock mainstream. What makes this straight record. Guttermouth: Live at the House book so much more than a history lesson of Blues offers a choice between voice-over or (which it definitely is, by all accounts) is just the music. I opted to watch the show with Christe’s thoughtful analysis throughout. the band’s commentary, which was just bril- Those things that have always been blindly liant. There’s nothing funnier than a bunch of attached to metal by society at large— perver- old punkers taking the piss out of each other. sity, violence, Satanism, drugs and everything They also poke fun at the security and drunken else the Parent’s Music Resource Centre felt an yobs rushing the stage, but mostly just them- urge to complain about — are tackled by selves. It’s a fairly well shot concert with lots Christe with an unapologetic and clear compo- of cameras and good direction. Other features sure that blows all anti-metal arguments out of include a photo gallery, bonus footage and the stratosphere. Even the notorious church- another CD of just the audio. And not to men-

21 Opinion Ití s Raininí M e n Dominatrix Art...Enough! know why they still do this, but they keep a picture of her (dreadful), whipping a man, a automatically, even though you’re tough and doing this! Sado-masochistic behaviour is as nude man in a prostrate position. He wants can take the pain. sad as a grandfather, newly widowed, feeding more whipping! FOOL FOOL FOOL! No matter which way you cut it, vio- birds with no pants down and talking to himself You stupid useless cunt of a man! lence is great fun. But these Masochists, man... about GSPD action like he used to have, with What subhuman bastard gender traitor would back ten years ago I was living in London and his wife who he actually went through the time allow himself to pay for the privilege of being I lived in King’s Cross, and Shoreditch and and effort of marrying, not like these domina- hit with a toy whip by a bored girl who Earl’s Court once, shithole full of trixes and adulterers and half-human monsters. undoubtedly was one of those awful rrriot Choreographers, and Camden and later once in The world’s going to hell in a handcart. girlzz whatever when it was fashionable a few Russell Square, and that’s a fucking great story, God piss on the day I ever asked you years ago!?! Just.... I just can’t believe this hap- but never mind, red-hot full-frontal golden sados to send in drawings for a free-of-charge pens. Women are frightening enough when shower action. I’ll write about it in some other 110% right-on quality appreciation. I was just they aren’t hitting you with faggy vinyl whips. column.... trying to get people hip to art again. I was just I used to work for Mossad, the jew group, and Anyways, whenever I see a submis- trying, and then some... god damn... dyke let me tell you this, those guys whip with real sive man into SM I just wanna smush his face whore doma-fucking-natrix sends this eye-rot- fucking whips, the size of your forearm and into a wall. That’s real SM. No safety words ting rudeness to me. Some people are blind, no made of leather, tight, tight leather, and in two here, you mess. I’d actually like to be a Hell’s eyes at all, and yet you fucking sadomasochis- strokes you can see the bones of the rib, there Angle, because I think they do stuff like that, tic cunts are doing this... it’s disrespectful to the in plane view if you wash the blood off. but I’m scared of Motorcycles, so I guess it’s a very pen you used... and it more importantly Masochist my tesicles. You are con- pipe dream. disrespectful to Lawrence Schaffer, the inven- fused and insane men who should be expelled There’s a Denny’s not five minuets tor of the ball-point pen. Interesting factoid! from the male gender and sent away to rail from my bachelor’s pad. I love Denny’s so Lawrence Scahfffer was the only native born yards to guide trains into port and to work the much because they don’t put up with that gen- Englishman to be executed for war crimes in levers that change the tracks! I think that’s a der-bending dominatrixing golden shower half- the Nuremburg trials. I’ll bet a lot of inventions really boring job, you dominatrix-supporting man transsexual semen-in-a-funnel crap there. I died with him. Not like Enoch fucking Powell. dupe! Go to hell right away! always order the bucket of eggs thing, and That fuck. I’m sure you endured his edition of I’m not trying to complain about vio- sometimes the Superbird, with a coke. Actually, Thucydides back at school... this is the man lence, or the visual or literary depiction of vio- my local Denny’s is licensed now! It just goes By Big Red Ainsworth who led the post-war race movement in lence, don’t get me wrong. to show, the more things change, the more they England? No wonder the streets are paved with I really, really like to fight, especially stay the same! Thanks for reading! nough of this. Just look at this doodle all the blood stuff. to watch other people fight. Sometimes, actual- that came in the mail. I’m very sorry, but Have a look at this drawing. It was ly quite often people like me cry when they get Ethis dominatrix nonsense had been going sent in by, ghasp! ... Mistress Persepiphone, a punched, but that’s all part of the game. on far too long now. It is a full decade of this! “professional” dominatrix. She is accepting Sometimes you get hit so hard in the nose that A full decade of being irritated by this! I don’t clients, such as they are, don’t you worry. It is it breaks your nose and then your eyes water

Etc... Found! HEY! Send us funny crap or pictures of funny crap you’ve found diggin’ through your neigh- bours garbage to: FOUND! c/o The Nerve Magazine, 508 - 825 Granville St., Vancouver, B.C., V6Z 1K9 Each month we’ll pick a couple submissions and

Ah yes, when ESL pierces DEEP into the world of product branding. Cock brand spe - cial fish sauce? I mean, what the hell? Might as well make some (va)Gina juice t a wash ëer all down... (ingredience of cock sauce? Anchovies, salt and sugar.)

22 Skate aatteeSSp SSkk poot

Public Art for the Masses oken consultations are what we are all Really inspire you to get out there and shred about here at Skate Spot. So in honour of the rad. So get your lazy ass down to the new Tyou, the PUBLIC, we are beginning an indoor skate park in Richmond. The location: exciting new process... feigning concern for The old Grizzlies training facility, on # 5 Road, your ideas, your input. So check out the close to the Silver City cinemas. You won’t Georgia Viaduct park site plan, and variations regret it. Session are $7 for the early (11-3) or of the public art piece that D-Rock has pro- $10 for (3-6). Call the peeps at Ultimate posed for one part of it. The site plan, a Van Distributors, they’ll have more info for ya. Der Zalm Ass (you said ass!!)ociates original, is available at Homefront Invasion! http://www.downspace.com/skatespot/map.ht Check out Homefront Invasion! Devo’s Mark ml. Here you will find a small black and white Mothersbaugh brings his weird and socially drawing of a triangle that looks like it was done satirical art prints to Bfly Gallery, at 341 Water by R2D2. So if you have genius ideas for the Street, to Dec. 20. Based on his series of post- park, look at the plan, make some sketches and card art pieces, tour scribbles and personal send ‘em to SkatePlaza, 2099 Beach Avenue, diaries, these prints are punk/new wave history, Vancouver, BC V6G 1Z4 or Fax 604.257.8365 young’uns. Devo was, incidentally, the first attn: City Manager Mark Vuillamy. band to feature skateboarding in a video - a lit- Also check out http://www.down- tle Skate Spot bit of trivia for ya there, kids. space.com/skatespot/public_art.html. Here you Just ask John Raimondo, of the legendary will find a cornucopia of skateable objects, Boarding House… Devo is always playing in megalomaniacal plans, and ego-driven con- the shop. Bfly is open Tuesday to Saturday, cepts to baffle even the most post-modern after 12 pm. Call 604.647.1019 for more mind. Okay, you’ll find a series of basic details. (Prints are cheap for real art - sketches. Possible skateable art objects for you Mothersbaugh wants “to share (his fun obses- to conversely love and destroy. Simple draw- sion) with as many spuds as possible.”) ings really. The megalomania will be provided Drop in on the Cractpipe (now Shred by YOU. Our sponsor for this event. THE Shed) for a session while you’re in the hood - PUBLIC. an art/fashion show was held on Nov. 29 (a Please send comments or suggestions portion of sales donated to the 84 foot wide fan/hatemail to: [email protected] or 101- miniramp to ensure it’s survival as an indoor 4906 Main Street Vancouver, BC V5W 2R3. skateboard facility in Vancouver). Vaughan Neville, a professional skateboard and travel Hot off the VSPC Presses photographer and clothing designer Rachel In other skate news, the Vancouver SkatePark Churchill were some of the featured artists. The Coalition reports that the Vancouver Parks art is available to the public for the next week, Board has unanimously approved the proposed so be sure to drop in and give your support. new skateboard park in Quilchena Park. The And don’t forget, the nice kids at Bombshell park will be constructed early next year, and have an indoor mini, just $4 a ride. You just will be a street-style beginner to intermediate have to be this tall. level park, similar in design to Strathcona park. This is park number two that the VSPC has Snow news is good news lobbied for, including the Downtown Park, to Snow on the mountains, means this year’s be built under the Georgia Viaduct at Quebec & snowboarding season might actually not suck Union streets. The VSPC also initiated the as much ass as last year’s big turd. Looks good recent retrofit of Coopers Park (located under- so far, but here at Skate Spot, we just talk crap. neath the south end of the Cambie Street We don’t predict the weather. Get a Farmer’s Bridge). Almanac, you lazy bugger. Maybe Cypress will get off their lazy and build a decent park. Yes. It is true. I suck ass all day. So what? After last year’s fiasco of a season, Cypress has What’cha gonna do about it? You wanna decided to reinstate their shuttle bus during the go? week. Snow good. D-Rock has decided he doesn’t like my title of our next section “Richmond finally has a Calling Victoria, Edmonton, Calgary and Follow-up to the Epic Skate Ranch”. He felt it Winnipeg! Got some skate news in your com- wasn’t quite catchy enough. A bit too verbose. munity? Let us know about it! We here at Skate Spot want you to pick up this -D. Rock and Miss Kimm fine publication and really be moved by it. [email protected] Really find some meaning to warm your heart.

23 Film

Nerve-worthy Films New to DVD By Bjorn Olson I’VE BEEN BITTEN... HOPEFULLY I DON’T TURN GOTH By Sinister Sam disease-ridden grasp on one European version of the vampire story. have a “strange” take on the vampire film genre. I constantly, and proudly, dismiss ORGY OF THE VAMPIRES (1972 Dir: Leon Ithe entire modern cloaked vampire as Klimovsky) romantic crap. The old stories are amazing. Spanish director Klimovsky gives us a tale We are subjected to wolves prowling the dead not unlike the above as a careless couple suc- of night, turning into unhallowed fucking dis- cumb to a town of vampires led by the one gusting creatures, ready to consume and and only gorgeous Helga Line of NIGHT- maybe even MARE CASTLE and HORROR OF THE eat other ZOMBIES fame. Again we are thrust into a human beings nightmarish escape drive that culminates in an or a cow etc… amazing twist that wraps the atmospheric and There’s not a Halloween infested locale with a classic mon- NEIL HAMBURGER: LIVE AT THE lot of romantic strous/creature visage. rhetoric in the PHOENIX GREYHOUND PARK original Vlad FANGS OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968 Dir: Directed by Joe the joke telling after being stymied by technical “the Impaler” Amando De Ossorio) Escalante. difficulties and a phlegmy throat. Hamburger’s Dracula (Vlad This is a BLIND DEAD director Ossorio rar- jokes are variations on the kind of shitty pop- Tepes) and his ity that stands tall as the legendary Spanish To see Neil culture referencing that passes for entertainment dirty society director’s first foray into the horror genre. Hamburger live is to on late night TV and in lousy comedy clubs dealings, and The film has the classic Spanish dark and understand Neil across America. Hamburger’s no-holds-barred the dirt- authentic atmosphere, with a little bit of six- Hamburger. Self- comedic attack on celebrities-du-jour and major mouthed wolf/rat pack dark ages in general. ties-style comedic levity that kind of throws proclaimed as fast-food brands (typical one-liner “Why does Vampires were described as dirty heathen things off its horrific course, but the climactic “America’s KFC come in a bucket? So you have something rotting finale and the overall feel of the film Funnyman”, Neil to throw up in afterwards”) is not just an attack hordes that wreaked havoc on the countryside along with the werewolves – who were one still encompasses the master director’s fuck- Hamburger is the current apotheosis of anti- on shitty consumer culture, but on anyone who ing creepy horrific cinematic skills. comedy. A tireless performer, Hamburger is derives a cheap laugh from it in the process. and the same most of the time. The 1840’s constantly on the road, playing rooms no come- While this DVD is perhaps not the “penny dreadful” VARNEY THE VAMPIRE dian would dare play. Captured live here for the best introduction to the man right off the bat (try or the FEAST OF BLOOD had a pretty kick HORROR OF DRACULA (1958 Dir: first time on DVD, Live at the Phoenix his “America’s Funnyman” or “Raw ass rendition/illustration of the vampire “crea- Terence Fisher) Greyhound Park is a perfect example of Neil Hamburger” CD’s first to get a feel for what ture” that adorned the cover of the published All the greats are here: Christopher Lee play- Hamburger in his element. you’re getting into), it’s certainly an interesting story that consumed the dark majesty of the ing his most famous role, Peter Cushing as Explaining Neil Hamburger to the document of where Hamburger is at in his undead with a gruesome and monstrous Helsing, and Terence Fisher at the directing unfamiliar is a bit of a task. You really have to career. After going through a period of tumult approach smashing the loathsome cloaked helm. For me, the Hammer films play just hear his hilariously unfunny comedy to under- (including a split with his longtime manager), romantic vision of the vampire to Goth like the seventies Spanish masterworks with stand how his mind works. The easiest short- Neil Hamburger seems angrier and more con- pieces. Some of the earliest films of the genre never-ending ancient castle and township cut is to say that Neil Hamburger is just a com- frontational than ever. While still retaining his atmosphere, but with straight-ahead British- plete piss-take on absolutely everything comedy lost puppy-dog demeanor that manages to earn took the vampire to new depths of horror darkness, the most notable being: trained acting talents. My favourite variant is about. He baits his audiences with rambling him perhaps more audience sympathy than he ending to the Dracula myth is all there as well routines and caustic subject matter, and then deserves, his act seems a great deal less person- – featuring the age-old grotesque face rot. somehow manages to earn their sympathy by al than it has been in the past. His emotional -Louis Feuillade’s very dark and being incredibly revealing about his personal asides that often took his comedy into uncom- engaging epic 1915 vampire serial LES life. He uses casual vulgarity in order to not fortable brilliance are in short supply here VAMPIRES. DRACULA, only shock, but to confront his audience with (though after one particularly harsh audience -F.W. Murnau’s legendary 1922 PRISONER OF their own thoughts. He delivers terrible, terri- reaction he does pull out a classic Hamburger- NOSFERATU, which pegged an aesthetic FRANKEN- ble jokes with such a perfect combination of ian n “Aw, come on. I have cancer.”) treatment that forced the viewer to presume a STEIN (1972 pathos and anger, that he makes almost anything Perhaps the time has come for the more grim story outside of the Bram Stoker Dir: Jesus funny. once media-shy funnyman to take the spotlight mythos. Franco) The performance captured on this and ascend to his rightful place in the annals of -The 1931 “original” DRACULA In the world of DVD is a pretty good sampling of late-period American comedy. There is undoubtedly no the vampire film Hamburger. He shows up on stage in his classic one else out there quite like NeeeeEEILLL that proceeded to turn the monster into more of an “attractive” being culminating in a thick genre, Franco is bad tuxedo with five drinks cradled under his HAAAM-BUR-Gerrr. best known for arm. He takes a good five minutes to get into accent and some fucking amazing castle base- ment scenes, and… his accom- -My favourite of the classics - the plished BRAM atmospheric, claustrophobic, and plague-rid- STOKER’S den darkness of Carl Dreyer’s VAMPYR from DRACULA 1931. (1970) which is the closest thing to the origi- nal story to date and also stars Christopher Here are some more “recent” favourites of Lee AND Klaus Kinski(!). But this film is mine that all have the right kick in the rotted nothing compared the Universal monster grey toothy face: inspired film DRACULA PRISONER OF FRANKENSTEIN. There’s something to NIGHT OF THE DEVILS (1972 Dir: Giorgio say for the style of some Spanish genre films Ferroni) and their use of “real time”. The films some- This atmospheric Italian film is an update to times feel fucking LONG, but have a VERY the amazing Wurdalak story from Mario filling haunted atmosphere. Bava’s BLACK SUNDAY. A man’s car breaks down and he finds himself stuck in a Remember – romance, fashion, and the very creepy forest with a family who are the horrific undead should NEVER mix! only local inhabitants. It seems that the fam- Keep it CREATURE style!! ily are the last of the Wurdalaks (vampires) in the area – slowly preying on each other and succumbing to the sickness as they only chase after the ones they love. This claustrophobic mini-masterpiece drills you with its masterful

24 Games XXX-mas Puzzle Page Solve both puzzles and win some damn fine PORN!

In Person: Bring your completed puzzles to the Nerver office weekdays between noon and 5pm or you can mail them to us at 508-825 Granville St. Vancouver, BC V6Z-1K9

XXX-mas -by Dan Scum Across 1. M.A.S.H. star 5. Circuit 9. Chore 13. Foal colour 14. Caribbean resort 2 15. Sole word 16. Wander the land 17. In the meantime 18. Type of dirty sex 19. ______Express Call of Duty (Broadway) 21. Master’s servile 22. Opposite of sucks Developer: Infinity Ward 23. Guy’s partner Publisher: Activision the slightly outdated graphics. From the 24. Sebring maker (abbrev.) very accurate sound effects of nearby fire- 27. Rum maker Platform: PC fights to the Axis bombers flying overhead 31. Slangy liquor Rating: Teen with explosive gifts, this game has done it 32. Invisible self right. It makes you feel like a part-time sol- 34. Lummox Web: Callofduty.com dier, and it can also get you kicked out of 35. ______Fuck, Kill 5. Grab suddenly 42. A Ventura bed, know what I’m saying? The gameplay 36. Dead (French) 6. Solemn vows 43. Befuddle is very straightforward; you make your 37. Seep 7. She’s _____ (first B-boys 45. Hated opponent hat happens when the lead devel- way across Europe and kill some Nazis, 38. Flash in the pan vid) 46. Ouzo ingredient opers of Medal of Honor: Allied either by foot or in vehicles. Some of the 39. Islands (French) 8. Buddy 47. Farce WAssault leave Electronic Arts? intense action happens when you’re shoot- 40. Type of face 9. Last 5 words of 62 Across 48. Chute opener Call of Duty happens, mate. It’s safe to say ing out of the window of a Benz, while 41. Iraqis’ neighbours 10. Ms. Kournikova 49. Rasta expression that the departure was a wise choice for being chased by motorcycles and trucks. 11. Anna’s ethnicity 50. Wife of Zeus 43. Earnest these 20+ members. This game is a war Don’t think that you’re all alone, there is 12. South Park character 51. J. Lo’s fragrance 44. ______Fi fanatics dream. As with the previous plenty of help to go around, and the best 45. Radioactive noble gas who doesn’t celebrate 52. Type of filter MOHAA games, it borrows heavily from part is; you don’t have to worry about your 47. Malice Christmas 53. Golf pegs films and improves the experience of bat- 50. ______is 20/20 14. Weight on the conscience 55. Blondie to pals team. AI is decent; they will assist you and tle. In one of the first scenarios, reminis- even take a bullet or two for you. That’s 54. Hurt 20. Sexy Local Lola cent of the Enemy At The Gates movie, you 21. Cul -de dedication! To finish this off, this is a very 55. One of Satan’s little are handed a rifle clip and are expected to _____ Last Issue’s Solution: well made game. Though it won’t revolu- helpers rush Stalingrad. If you decide to turn back, 56. Elation 23. Strong wind tionize the industry, it’s refreshing to see a your comrades will pop a cap in your ass. 57. Vocal solo 24. Disorder company put so much effort and come out 58. Wipe out 25. In the mood All right, so Call of Duty spans over 28 lev- like champ. Oh, and this game has a 59. Descendant’s anthem of 26. Bugger els and lets you experience the digital war wicked multiplayer. lost love (pick one) 27. “no ifs, through 3 different bands of brothers. -Adler Floyd 60. Actresses West and ands, or____” American, British and Russian soldiers are Moore 28. Rooke at your disposal during the various cam- Eye Candy: 4.5 61. Bundle of hay 29. Donut paigns over Europe. The game utilizes a Tunes: 5 quantity 62. ______the night before heavily modified Quake 3 engine and Gameplay: 4.5 Christmas 30. Not moving unlike my review of Jedi Knight 2, the Chill Factor: 5 Down 32. Certain team from Infinity Ward has done a great 1. Music, dance, e.g. Cervezas job modifying the engine to the max to get Verdict: This is one of the finest WW 2. Pirate’s booty 33. Mine lode the best results. Of course, COD doesn’t 2 FPS games out there, enough said. 3. Plato or Robertson 36. Type of look like Max Payne 2 or even Unreal 4. “We wish you ______” skirt Tournament 2003 but that doesn’t matter. 40. Big leagues The atmosphere of the game makes up for XXX-mas Word Search office seen over christmas seventeen smiling party year little food old face drinks daugher oh rented look shit santa with elves getting loaded real short green skirts dancing sneak out one elfette take home hammer time boss calls morning asks

25

Etc... NERVELAND SMUT RANCH ello again my perverted peeps! The describing, say, a cocktail. There is also very holiday season is on top of us and I little to no dialog. Aside from the shortfalls, Hjust want to take this time to say this movie will satisfy anyone who enjoys Happy Holidays to all my readers. Even if watching beautiful women with strap-on dil- you don’t celebrate Christmas, stockings have dos pound each other. no religious significance, so I have a couple of stocking stuffing suggestions to help you get Last month I did a little survey asking for through this “family” oriented month. What reader comments on what they think about might that be, you wonder? Midgets and strap- pubic hair. About 95% of the people who on dildos of course! responded preferred to have at least some housekeeping done down there, especially for Double women. Here is an e-mail typical of the Midgetation majority we received: “Super bushy is bad on Director: men and women. Men should always shave Jerome Tanner the shaft. Women should always shave the Starring: lips and butthole. I am a man.” Joining me at Bridget Powerz, this time is local porn star extraordinaire and Gwen Summers, Nerve correspondent: Maja Lee. Heather Lyn, Max: Thank you for joining me Maja, the last Taylor St. time we worked together was on The Nerve’s Claire, Envy July issue. Can you bring us up to speed on Mi, Chris what you have been up to? Cannon, Dillion Maja: A ton!! I took a small hiatus for a cou- Day, Joel ple months in the summer due to stress, but Lawrence and I’ve been back in full swing as a webmaster Dave Hardman. since October. I was in L.A. for most of October shooting for various companies as An alien spacecraft from the planet well as launching my new single-girl site on Midgetation crashes to Earth and two pint November 1st www.maja-lee.com. sized chicks wearing silver jump-suits plop Max: I saw you on Herfirstbigcock.com what out. Bridget Powerz does double duty, play- was that experience like? And have you had ing characters Omega and Swan. The good bigger? thing is that earthlings seem pretty keen on Maja: Well, that wasn’t my “first big cock” trying new things. The crash separates Omega of course... I’ve fucked Mr. Marcus and Rod and Swan and where Swan finds refuge fuck- Fontana, so you can’t get much bigger than ing some guy in a dilapidated yard, Omega that!! I haven’t done Lexington or Mandingo gets arrested for masturbating in public. Did yet... so I guess it was “big” for Vancouver you know that midgets have regular sized sex standards! organs? It’s true, so you don’t have to worry. Max: I’ll show you a big cock… Watching Bridget Powerz perform is definite- Maja: Anyways, it was a super fun shoot ly the highlight of this flick. Swan has a ten- even though I didn’t do my “I’m a Japanese dency to peep on unsuspecting couples getting exchange student, me no speak Engrish” deal it on and has a field day wandering the neigh- that I sometimes do for the reality sites. Both borhood in search of sexual adventure. Double guys never lost wood and pounded me hard Midgetation blends oddities, humor, interest- like I was the last girl on earth. ing storyline, and, of course, fucking, all into Max: What do you have planned for the near a movie that is more about substance than future? sideshow. Maja: Focusing on www.maja-lee.com, and also making a new site for another local Asian Strap-On hottie. I’d like to create a network of amateur Fever! single-girl sites as well as a better affiliate pro- Director: Roy gram for them. Alexandre Max: It sounds like you’ve been very busy. Starring: Eve Maja: It’s a lot of staring at the computer for Eden, Simona the next little while... oh and don’t forget Sun, Jessica Vegas in January!! There’s Internext and then May, Lisa, the AVN conference right after that. Michelle, Max: I did a little survey of hair and bush in Barbara, Jenny, the last issue. What do you think about the and Tera Joy. bush situation? Should we all be shaved, trimmed, or left natural? Stand back! The Maja: I like some body hair on guys, espe- heat is on and cially hair on the chest! And a goatee. Women these girls have should be trimmed at least, I used to be bald the Strap-On but now have a small “strip.” It’s all personal Fever! This movie is an accurate depiction of preference, so who I am I to be rambling on what most girls do when they have a bit too about that? much of the bubbly. They get it on, of course. Max: How would you like to review a couple I haven’t seen this much finger fucking of porno movies with me next month? since… never mind. The chicks in this movie Maja: Watch porno?! Yes please, that’s such are totally hot and use a wide array of dildos a rhetorical question, Max. When would you to satisfy their urges. They put those rubber like to view more debauchery? Johnsons it in their mouths, their pussies, and Max: Well alright then, you heard it here up their bums. The panty snapping and sexu- first! Next month will be The Return Of Max al play fight scene is damn hot, and these girls And Maja, see you all then! are even better looking than the three that started it off. There is no plot to this movie and each chapter sets up the scene by provid- ing a description one would give when

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