attend fest for every self-respecting WORDS FROM THE weirdo,whether ya be a crusty, a metalhead, or a pogo lovin’ party punk. Bleak Life is all about forgetting about the existential nightmare of WIZARD existence and having a good time, TARG YEAR 3 BEGINS & I and for this reason they showcase COULDN’T BE MORE GRATEFUL some of the best bands (POK to all the people who support our dream GAI, ASILE, OCCULT BURIAL, C.H.U.D.S) along with the best in by attending live shows, ordering our world international punk & metal tunage famous handmade perogies and enjoying our ever (MIDNIGHT, WKSJ, METALIAN). changing lineup of classic arcade games and pinball tables – One of the bands I was most thank you Ottawa!! Years of underground work at the original excited for when this year’s lineup TARG/MEATLOCKER has led us to a wider community of was announced was Halifax’s crust overlords NAPALM RAID. It is for this kind and generous people who challenge us on a daily basis reason I decided to review their EP with creative ideas, imaginative proposals and constructive STORM for this edition of the Targ advice – as our wizard family changes and grows I feel proud zine! and confi dent while always being pleasantly surprised by the passion that exists in this city - never a dull moment at This EP kicks off with Disfi gured the House of TARG!! This dream exists because we all work which begins with a doomy, evil riff that’s really reminiscent of Confusion together. Thank you for putting your trust in us – we will not let by Doom. Soon however, it goes into you down. some thrash and d-beat riff age, which is guaranteed to melt yer face. The - YOGI next track Drowning is made up of some more d-beat riff s and also some mid-paced chuggin’ which is sure to get a pit going. Following that, Living Breathing Dead is another d-beat NEW PEROGI apocalypse with a noisy intro, and closer Soon The End off ers up some NAPALM RAID d-beat riff age that’ll pound ya into the ALERT Storm dust and then a mid-paced mosh- The Perogi Wizards have Label: Rust and Machine Records worthy riff to cap it all off . Throughout really outdone themselves Year: 2014 all of this, their are nightmarish throat- this time with newest shredding vocals with heavy reverb addition to our menu. OOH! DO YA HAVE placed on them.

KICKSTART MY YER TIX FOR THIS Overall, solid stuff from NAPALM ARTICHOKE is a delicious YEAR’S EDITION OF RAID. If yer not a fan of d-beat, blend of spinach, then you probably won’t be that artichoke hearts, roasted BLEAK LIFE FEST? into this, but if you dig d-beat mixed While it’s far too late to advertise with some thrash and even a dash garlic, cream cheese & it now given how it’s sold out of doom/sludge, then I can highly potato.YUM YUM YUM! (although the Thurs show & recommend this EP. For fans of Sat matinee don’t require tix so DOOM, EXTINCTION OF MANKIND check those out!), it’s a must & GUIDED CRADLE. TARG FASHION SSKAKA JEFF’SJEFF’S HI-FIVES:HI-FIVES: GROWING UP, EVERY MORNING I WOULD EAT MY BOWL OF CEREAL WHILE READING THE DAILY COMICS IN THE OTTAWA CITIZEN. I’VE ALWAYS BEEN FASCINATED BY COMICS AND THERE’S A LOT OF THEM OUT THERE I ENJOY. HERE ARE SOME OF MY FAVOURITE CLASSICS.

#5. LIFE IN HELL (Matt #4. THE BOONDOCKS Groening 1977-2012) (Aaron McGruder 1996- Before The Simpsons, 2006) Telling the story of Matt Groening was a a black family living in Caitlin Dacey of the Rock Group struggling animator a white town, the strip PUBLIC ANIMAL is sporting a near perfect negotiating a string of pushed what’s often the arcade ensemble. Leopard print spandex day jobs and setbacks most milquetoast section + a jacket that rivals the one Sly Stallone in Los Angeles. of the newspaper into TOP PICK wore in Rocky 3. That Tetris machine He channeled his previously unheard of EVERY SUNDAY 9PM-2AM doesn’t stand a chance! frustrations with life, territory. CALVIN & COLLECTIVE ARTS BREWING CO. love, and work into Life in Hell. HOBBS PRESENTS: (Bill Watterson 1985- 1995) TOUGHEN UP! Sweetness and pain, humor and philosophy: FREE-PLAY Calvin and W/ DJ KJMAXX + GUESTS - #2. ZITS (Jerry Scott Hobbes SPINNING YOUR FAVOURITE WAX and Jim Borgman #3. DILBERT (Scott contained ARCADE JAMS FROM 9PM TILL 1997-present) Parents everything, Adams 1989-present) and children only need 2AM – ALL THE The strip is known for Zits to work out their and all through its satirical offi ce humor diff erences. The strip the lens of Bill PINBALL & CLASSIC ARCADE about a white-collar, bridges the gap in a Watterson’s micromanaged offi ce smart way by sticking GAME ACTION YOU CAN HANDLE THE WIZARD COMB-OVER??? featuring engineer closely (and with lots uncompromising Elixir Wizard Stacey & Sound Wizard Ian Dilbert as the title of empathy for) a vision. FOR JUST 5 MEASLY CANADIAN demonstrate the power of teamwork & character. teenager’s perspective. highly experimental hair concepts. DOLLARS! Never give up. asking discreetly in any sports bar. Often the owner or manager can steer you in the right direction. But keep in mind it’s illegal, and getting involved in nefarious gambling activity often leads to you owing tons of money to guys with names like “Johnny the Gooch”. And be warned: it’s not like Mastercard where they send you those letters and call you at work… When you can’t pay up, your knees are going to have ‘accidents’. Forget about fi nding a bookie, Gamblin’Man, and take some advice from your old HEY TOMMER! WHAT THE HELL pal Slo’ Tom: keep your money in IS GOING ON WITH THE #12? your mattress and only gamble with IT’S GOTTA BE THE WORST your heart and your life! BUS ROUTE IN THE CITY. WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF? Signed – Ih8da12 DEAR TOM: I HAVE A 2 PART QUESTION. FIRST ONE IS ABOUT Dear Ih8da12: Yeah, I hear ya… COLLECTING. I HAVE READ THAT the #12 is terrible. It was created COLLECTIBLE ITEMS LIKE TOYS & when they decided the #2 route STUFF RETAIN A HIGHER VALUE was too convenient – they realized OVER TIME IF THE ORIGINAL that people could go all the way PACKAGING IS INTACT. HOPE from Bayshore to the Gloucester THIS ISN’T TRUE CAUSE I AM Centre without transferring. So STARTING TO AMASS A PRETTY they chopped it up, forcing hapless SERIOUS TROVE OF VINTAGE transit riders to fully experience POTATO CHIPS... & SOME LOOK the delights of Rideau Street: SO DELICIOUS THAT I JUST aggressive panhandlers, drug WANNA RIP THE BAGS OPEN AND dealers and homeless teens! I know GET AT THEM. IF I DO, WILL THAT it’s not much consolation Ih8da12, SCREW UP MY PLAN TO RETIRE but I feel your pain. Hang in there! OFF THESE SALTY TREASURES? SECONDLY, I HAVE A BAG OF ANDY CAP SALSA FRIES, A RARE DEAR MR. SLO’ TOM: I’VE AND DELICIOUS CHIP LIKE TREAT RECENTLY RELOCATED TO FROM THE 70’S… DO YOU THINK THE NATION’S CAPITAL. THEY ARE STILL SAFE TO EAT? CAN YOU RECOMMEND A Signed – NutsAboutChipCollecting GOOD BOOKIE? Thanking you in advance: Your friend, Dear NutsAboutChipCollecting: Gamblin’Man I know it’s you Chip Nut. Think I’m stupid? Leave me out of it. Leave me Dear Gamblin’Man: Oh man… alone. you’re talking to the wrong guy. If you really want a bookie, start by WELCOME TO THE SECRET UNIVERSE OF MY TOY COLLECTION. SAT MAY 14 – House of TARG Women. and Ashton Brewing present: BLEAK LIFE 3 featuring MIDNIGHT SAT MAY 21 – House of TARG and (CLEVELAND’s own, ONLY Canadian Ashton Brewing present: PRIVATE show!) NAPALM RAID (HALIFAX, WEDDING - Closed To The Public at A GUIDE TO ALL THE CONCERTS TAKING PLACE AT Nova Scotia) METALIAN (Montreal 4pm - Some folks are getting hitched in METAL) SARDU (Metal from BARRIE) the Arcade. Sorry for the inconvenience. HOUSE OF TARG THIS MAY. OCCULT BURIAL (OTTAWA Metal) You can still get yer perogies and pinball AGGRESSOR (Ottawa, REUNION action in between 11am & 4pm!! WED MAY 4 - House of TARG, Steve Adamyk Band / The White Wires. show!) – sorry pal, you need a ticket Whitewater Brewing and Spectrasonic Are you prepared to GO GAGA? to get in and this show is totally sold TUE MAY 24 – House of TARG and present: ROCOCODE w/sg REBELLE out!! ITHIL presents: EXO-VEDATE w/sg IRON + WILLOWS based indie pop WED MAY 11 – House of TARG, KINGDOM + DARK MINISTRY – a killer duo of Laura Smith and Andrew Braun. Whitewater Brewing, Ottawa Pinball MON MAY 16 – House of TARG and night of true metal and thrash – don’t Their music weaves a lush tapestry and Ottawa Punk Pinball League Ottawa Explosion present: PEACH miss this sweet lineup of bands featuring of synths, guitars and soundscapes present : GHOSTBUSTERS Pinball KELLI POP w/sg NIGHTSHADES + IRON KINGDOM all the way from British around duelling boy/girl vocals and Launch Party!! - All ages/All skill levels TOXIC THOUGHTS - Allie (WHITE Columbia!! heavy bass and drums – sweet night of welcome. Tournament qualifying WIRES) returns to Ottawa with her indie/electro pop/rock brought to you hours 5pm-10pm, pop by and try out amazing all female punk band PEACH THURSTHURS MAY 2626 – House of TARGTARG and by our pals at SPECTRASONIC!! this brand new game from STERN, KELLI POP & we couldn’t be more PBR ppresent:resent: 80s DANDANCECE PARTY!! Join win great prizes and meet the pinball stoked to have them at TARG. Catchy, your host REMI RROYALEOYALE as he gguidesuides bubblegum, sandpaper punk, tongue- you through an evening ooff 80s hits and THURS MAY 5 – House of TARG players in your scene!! in-cheek songs inspired by video vvidsids compcompletelete wwithith ddancingancing anandd prprizes!!izes!! and PBR present: CORNERS w/sg games, Chinese food and conspiracy FINAL FALL + DJ DAISY – Join us and THURS MAY 12 – House of TARG theorists! *This show is ALL AGES!!! FRI MAY 27 – House of TARG and experience the dismantled classic L.A. and TSN 1200 present: WIN-TO- Beau’s All Natural present: MOKOMOKAI punk sound of CORNERS—something GET-IN PRIVATE PARTY - Closed WED MAY 18 – House of TARG, w/sg FLYING FORTRESS + WORLD between the Plugz and , to the public – you gotta win to get Whitewater Brewing and Spectrasonic WAR 4 – super super super pumped for and/or a slightly more alternate-world in!! LISTEN TO TSN 1200 Weekdays present: KEEK w/sg FAKE SHARK the return of our Peterborough metal soundtrack - complete with Starting at 8:35am for Your Chance to + MORE – a great night of Ottawa/ brothers featuring new members and moody distant vocals & monolithic WIN-TO-GET-IN. Contest winners will Vancouver pop – this show is ALL new riff s!! Join us for a night of soaring synths. For fans of JOY DIVISION. be invited to an exclusive TSN1200 AGES!! vocals, blistering metal and old school TARG favourites FINAL FALL warm up party with a chance to play pinball and hoser thrash. the stage - mixing powerful distorted vintage video games with TSN 1200 THURS MAY 19 – House of TARG squelches common to Acid and Noise show hosts. TSN1200 is even going and PBR present: THE SLOW DEATH SAT MAY 28 – House of TARG and music with techno rhythms, heavy to supply the quarters (beers and + RAGING NATHANS + SCHOOL Ashton Brewing present: SKA NITE sampling jaunting vocals & deviant perogies too!) DAMAGE + NECK + CHLOROFORM - Voice Of The People w/sg THE stage show. FRI MAY 13 – House of TARG and A pre-pouzza fest 5 band SENTRIES + SWEATY PALMS – our show featuring acts from Minneapolis, monthly ska party continues with FRI MAY 6 – House of TARGTARG and Beau’s All Natural present: HELLBROS! Dayton, Toronto and Ottawa – worlds incredible live performances along with Beau’s All Natural present:present: QQUETZALUETZAL tour kickoff party w/sg CROSS DOG collide in the sweetest way possible!! resident DJs Christian LONGSHOT and SNAKESSNAKES (Marseille,(Marseille, France SpaceSpace + GLORIOUS MOONROCKETS - one Alex MAGNIFICENT playing nothing but Rock)Rock) + SONICSONIC PANICPANIC (MTL(MTL GarageGarage last party before these skidz head out FRI MAY 20 – House of TARG the best in Ska, Rocksteady and Reggae Rock)Rock) + UVULA (Ott.(Ott. Weirdo Psyche/Psyche/ to stain Europe - this quartet of hard and Beau’s All Natural present: all spun live on vintage 45s. Surf)Surf) + WARP LINESLINES (90’s(90’s GrungeGrunge Pop)Pop) rocking hosers have blossomed into ALASKAN (Final Show) w/sg BLACK SuperSuper stacked bill of bands – do not one of Canada’s tightest party rock TABLE + BIIPIIGWAN + SWARM OF THURS JUNE 2 – House of TARG, missmiss thisthis show!!show!! outfi ts. Don’t miss a sweet opening SPHERES Your fi nal chance to see PBR and Chord Productions present: set of bass driven punk rock n roll by one of Ottawa’s best post-metal MALIGNANT TUMOUR w/sg SIGNS OF SAT MAY 7 – House of TARG, Ashton CROSS DOG (Peterborough Uncle D acts. Atmospheric, dark & doomy CHAOS + A DARKER DAY – rock n roll Brewing and Ottawa Explosion present: Records) and high energy riff wizardry riff s, socially engaged. See ‘em rip crust/metal from the Czech Republic SEDATIVES w/sg THE CREEPS + DURS rock ‘n’ roll courtesy of GLORIOUS before they R.I.P. Proceeds from this meets Ottawa melodic and thrash metal COEURS Punk from the year 2007 MOONROCKETS show will be donated to the Ottawa – awesome!!! featuring members of Crusades / The Coalition to End Violence Against THE KING OF ROCK N’ KISS IS BACK AT TARG BUSTING MAKES YOU SUPER SPRINT = ROLL MEETS THE KING FOR THE 2ND TIME! FEEL GOOD! SUPER FUN! So here’s a refresher on getting STERN PINBALL’S newest release This 1986 ATARI classic absolutely OF PINBALL! Demon Multiball going: lock 3 is here & we couldn’t be more rules & is sure to be a TARG This 2004 STERN machine is the balls inside Gene Simmons’ big stoked. The most eye-catching favourite. The top down single screen fi rst pinball ever to brandish the mouth. Before you can ram a features on the Ghostbusters pinball Formula One action is quite basic Elvis name and was designed by ball down the Demon’s throat you playfi eld are Slimer (a toy on a but the joy lies in the frantic steering pinball’s leading designer, Steve must hit the “Lite Lock” standup mechanical swinging arm you can wheel play required to navigate Ritchie. Soundtrack includes Elvis targets fl anking the lock entrance. bash with the ball) and the Stay Puft your car around the tight cornered singing See See Rider, Blue Suede Hitting both of them will illuminate colossus peering over the miniature tracks... but mind your elbows cause Shoes, All Shook Up + a ton more the big green “Lock” triangle lite, New York City in the upper playfi eld. this is a 3 player game (1st one ever for you to discover. It features a indicating you are ready to aim for Warning: From now on, prepare BTW). The car can be customized by mechanical Elvis with shaking Gene’s mouth. Repeat this 3 times to have Ray Parker Jr’s infectious collecting wrenches that lie on the hips and gesturing hands. One and you will be in multiball heaven Ghostbusters theme song stuck in track. The player can exchange three hand holds a microphone and not (disclaimer 3 balls in the mouth your head after each visit to TARG. of them for improved traction, better a cheeseburger (as one might still isn’t enough to shut that guy PLAY IT AT TARG. acceleration or higher top speed. presume). PLAY IT AT TARG. up). PLAY IT AT TARG. COMING SOON THIS MONTH. I CAUGHT UP WITH ATHENAR FROM THE CLEVELAND, OHIO BASED BLACK/SPEED METAL BAND “MIDNIGHT” TO ASK HIM A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS CAT.

WHAT IS YOUR CATS NAME? SIKI (NAMED AFTER SIKI SPACEK FROM CLEVELAND METAL BAND BLACK DEATH)

WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DOES HE LIKE? SIKI HATES MUSIC, HE’S SCARED OF IT.

FAVOURITE PLACE TO SLEEP? RIGHT ON CHEST.

FAVOURITE CAT TOY? CATNIP AND RIBBON.

GARFIELD OR HEATHCLIFF? GARFIELD.

WHO IS HIS FAVOURITE CELEBRITY CAT? TOM... OF TOM & JERRY FAME. MIDNIGHT will be playing a SOLD OUT show (and their only Canadian date!) here at TARG May 14th as part of Bleak Life Fest.

WITHIN 90 SECONDS. ALL CARS PASSED GET ADDED TO YOUR SCORE AND A NEW STAGE BEGINS.

DON’T CRASH! IF YOU HIT ANOTHER RACER, ROAD BARRIER OR THE AMBULANCE YOUR CAR WILL DO SOME KIND OF CRASHING JIG AND OTHER CARS WILL PASS YOU. DURING STAGE TWO YOUR CAR WILL EXPLODE IF YOU HIT SOMETHING. AFTER 2 EXPLOSIONS THE GAME ENDS SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION & JUST KEEP DRIVING UNTIL YOU CRASH.

ONE FINAL NOTE. WATCH THE ROADS CAREFULLY BECAUSE THE CONDITIONS WILL CHANGE EVERY 15 TO 20 SECONDS WITHOUT WARNING. THIS IS WHERE 90% OF ALL RACE CRASHES HAPPEN & IN LATER STAGES THE ROADS GETTING NARROWER SO DRIVE SAFE.

CLASS DISMISSED UNTIL NEXT TIME HAPPY GAMING EVERYONE SEGA HAS ALWAYS BEEN KNOWN FOR ITS RACING ARCADE PROWESS. SEGA HAS LEARNED NOT ONLY TO CREATE AND SIMPLIFY THE SPORT OF AUTO RACING BUT HARMONIZING AND PURIFYING THE GAMES GRAPHICS AND HIEROGLYPHICS IS A MASTER STROKE OF GENIUS.

BEFORE OUT RUN (1986) THERE WAS TURBO, A RACING GAME THAT REALLY SET THE BOUNDARIES FOR SEGA. YOU’RE IN A RACE AGAINST TIME AGAINST OTHER RACERS AND NOT JUST THE ONES AT THE STARTING LINE. YOU’LL NOTE AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN A TIMELINE WITH THE WORDS “CARS PASSED”. THIS MEANS YOU HAVE TO PASS AS MANY CARS AS YOU CAN