Rag Speciall

FREE 25/01/01 Issue no: 999

Aliens have Human Dimestars Sport live review news Landed Auctions live review news p5 p7 p11 p22-24 Sewage Chaos by Luke Hickey Battersea Court. gave the students a letter apolo- Deputy Editor The receptionist at Batterseagizing for the inconvenience Court was unable to locate anycaused over the weekend, and A series of events took placedisinfectant, but did open theiroffering University help in moving over the last weekend, which couldcleaner’s cupboard, where somethem. He also made clear that the have led to a serious health haz-gloves, and further buckets werenew accommodation given to the ard. found. By now the water had start-residents (University Court) was The bizarre sequence of eventsed to relent and it was getting late,theirs until the end of the academ- began on Friday morning, as someso the residents decided to blockic year and that they would not be of the occupants of House 29,the gaps at the bottom of the bath-charged extra for it. Stag Hill Court noticed the toiletroom doors with their duvets and Paxton told barefacts that the and showers overflowing slightly,go to bed. problem was due to a build up of with green water coming up At about 1pm one of the resi-grease in the drains on Stag Hill. through the drains. The water soondents got up and noticed puddlesHe also said that before it is fit for died down, and by the time theof water on the floor. Security wereliving in again, House 29 will have Warden arrived to inspect, therecalled and residents were helpedit’s carpets replaced, and where was little left to see. The area wasto move out of their rooms for thenecessary refurbishment is then cleaned and to the best of thenight. required it will take place. Paxton residents’ knowledge nothing fur- Two of the residents, Clairecommended the residents for their Stag Hill 29 Ground floor ther was done about the incident. Cooper and Kelly Andow, toldactions over the weekend and their On Sunday morning, there was abarefacts of the conditions at thewillingness to cooperate in moving similar occurrence, with the watertime, “The place smelt absolutelyout quickly. He also made clear again dying down before thedisgusting, with toilet paper com-that the students who used duvets Warden could properly inspect theing up through the toilet and float-to block doors will not be charged area. ing across the bathroom, thefor doing so. Sunday evening, saw the thirdwhole place was a massive healthBarefacts has also learnt of sim- occurrence of the same pattern,hazard”. ilar problems in Guildford Court except this time the water did notThe following morning, the resi-over the weekend, although in this recede as before, instead gettingdents returned to find that thecase it is believed that the cause higher and starting to seep out ofwater level had dropped and werewas residents flushing plastic bags the bathrooms into the hall. Thetold not to use showers, baths ordown the toilet. Warden was informed of thetoilets. However, the rest of the Barefacts readers may be keen events and staff began attemptingcourt still was using the amenitiesto ask themselves why it took so to remove the overflowing liquidand soon the sewage began flow-long for the University to appreci- with buckets and hoovers.ing across the bathrooms, hall andate the potential seriousness of However, the staff soon left therooms again. this situation and why the resi- residents to continue the job onBy this time Richard Paxton, uni-dents were not offered temporary their own. The water began risingversity accommodation manager,accommodation immediately while too fast, so the residents decidedhad arrived to inspect the scenethe cause of the drainage problem Residents moving out to go to the only court receptionfor himself; he immediately offeredcould be investigated. open on Sunday evenings,to move the residents. Paxton later Stag Hill Burning By Luke Hickey fire. University security was thenWhen we entered the building, we Deputy Editor called, who in turn alerted the firefound that the grill pan had been brigade. safely extinguished by the use of Last Tuesday (23/1), CampusSub Officer Paul Crowder, sen-a fire blanket. The students con- was awash with flashing blueior firefighter at the scene, spokecerned acted in an entirely proper lights as the fire-fighters descend-afterwards of his delight at themanner. I would like to commend ed on House 22 in Stag Hill Court.way the resident handled the situ-security and the students for their Around 7:00pm, a resident wasation, “The fire department wasprompt action.” grilling a burger, when the grill panalerted by security that there was caught fire. The resident immedi-a fire on campus. When we ately followed correct procedurearrived security directed us to the and placed the fire blanket overscene quickly and four other offi- Fire engine on Tuesday night the grill, thus putting out the smallcers already on the scene met us.

[email protected] News 1-2n Rag 3-5, n barearts 7-18n Lifestyle 21 n Sport 22-24 News 2 25/01/01 Editorial

Welcome to our 999th issue, which this week sees Editorial Team rag taking it over for their own needs...so spot their Editorr stories. All of the money raised at rag will go to the Kevin Marston various charities that they support so the more money you can give the better. Deputy Editorr Luke Hickey As part of the fund raising various members of the barefacts team auctioned themselves off at the Production Editorr Human Auction raising about £70,. So a big thanksof luck as he’s going to need it. (and he’s only proof Andrew Thomas from me for doing so...even though I gave them thatread three articles...so the rest is my fault) little shove. News Team Film Editors News Team Film Editors Finally, I ‘ve decided to change the picture this week, James Buller Libby Hurt Also this week sees the introduction of a barefactsso watch out for more wacky pics in the future. Arthi Veerupillai proof reader, Duncan Hamilton...I wish him the best- Kev Science Editorr Political Editorr Nick Walsh Reuben Thompson ...News In Brief...News In Brief...News Sports Editorr 'Death-trap' Destroyed The metabolism of three soya foods will be exam- Features Editorr Dave Chapman ined though volunteers providing blood and urine Vacant Marketing Team A derelict Guildford building, notorious as a drug densamples. A preliminary study last year used volun- Music Editor Ali Danby and squat was knocked down last week. The walls ofteers from the local community wishing to contribute to Music Editor the old Biddle print-works started to fall as the demoli-a greater scientific understanding of nutrition and Owen Hazelby Ellen van Keulen tion experts started their 4-week job. health. Most subjects found the study an enjoyable About 40 tons of rubbish including used syringes forand sociable experience, Proof Readerr Arts Editorr injecting drugs had to be removed from the site in To find out more contact Anne Hawdon on 01483 Duncan Hamilton Vacant advance. In the past the emergency services have876480, email [email protected] had to contend with the danger of these as they were Contributers frequently called to the old factory. During the summer Police: We Know Damilola's Killer Ali Danby two drug related deaths were recorded there. Luke Mackenzie Guildford Firefighter Michael Franks said: "It was aOfficers investigating the stabbing of 10-year-old Lucy Andrews horrendous place. Horrible things and drugs wereDamilola Taylor say they know who did it but cannot Reuben Thompson inside, so we will heave a sigh of relief. It was a poten-act because they lack the firm evidence required. David Abbott tial danger to the public because of fire and other haz-Chef Inspector Trevor Shepherd, said a "culture of MWC ards." hostility" among young witnesses was stopping the Simon Robinson Offices will be built on the cleared land while the 200inquiry from progressing. He said many Peckham res- Music Team tons of steel and 700 tons of bricks will be recycled.idents have helped police but some have not. "It indi- SAIS Four year old Paul Mead who lives nearby has beencates a culture of reluctance to talk to police, if not & Dr Russ watching the wreckers. "It's exciting watching thedownright hostility that exists among what some would machine. When those bricks fall down it gets toocall gangs of youths on some of these large estates," noisy" he said. he said. "This said I would appeal to these youths, Neighbour Liz Shales however is sad to see theparticularly those who weren't actually responsible for structure go. "It was once upon a time a nice buildingthe injury, to come forward." and if the owners had done something with it 10 yearsTo date police have arrested 15 people in connec- ago we could have something better," she said. tion with Damilola's death but no one has yet been charged. Lakeside Makes Donation A renewed appeal was made by A Radio One DJ Jonathan Joseph on the BBC's Crimewatch program The Lakeside Restaurant has given £500 to a din-yesterday. 'DJ Spoony', filmed the piece just yards barefacts ner dance in aid of National Meningitis Trust and localfrom where Damilola bled to death. He said: "I know it Union House, University Of Surrey charity Cherry Trees. is difficult. I grew up on an estate just like Damilola Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH The restaurant run by students of the School ofwhere the police are often not the most welcome peo- Management Studies got the money by accumulatingple." He went on: "But this is such a tragedy... The Tel: 01483 879275 gratuities left by impressed diners. chances are there is someone out there who knows Fax: 01483 534749 The Charity Dinner Dance, now in its 34th year iswho killed Damilola... I'm begging them to come for- email: [email protected] also arranged by final years in the managementward." Deadline for Publication department. David Sharman and Rachel OdlinDamilola's father was also interviewed for the broad- received the cheque on behalf of the events organis-cast. "What was it in the minds of those who did it? Monday 12pm ing committee. What did they want and why did they do it?" he asked. Sharman, the Chairman said, "The Dinner Dance is Mr Joseph was recruited after police visited youth Submissions the finale of eight months of fundraising which hascentres in the area of the incident. They asked which included balloon races, street collections and a cock-celebrities the youths most respected and would listen preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format,tails evening. We look forward to raising even moreto. At Damilola's funeral footballer John Fashanu also Text in Arial, size 9 font money for our two charities at the ball in London whichmade an appeal for information.

barefactsis an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office. is one of the University's most prestigious events of the year." Museums To Axe Entry Fees The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union This year the event will be at the Park Lane Hotel in or the University of Surrey. London, on 27 January. 450 guests including the Vice-All England's National galleries and museums could

This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission Chancellor and other distinguished guests will besoon be offering free admission according to the BBC. of the publisher. there. A deal has apparently been made between govern- All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. ment departments, allowing institutions to scrap their Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. barefactsreserves the right to edit submissions. Full of Beans? entrance fees. The Department for Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) has got the Treasury to let museums off Printed by UniS needs volunteers to take part in an investiga-a technicality making free entry unpalatable. East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT tion into soya. The study hopes to determine how theMuseums currently receive a rebate on VAT as long © USSU Communications Office 2000 amount of soya consumed relates to good health. as they levy a charge for admittance. The DCMS had The Centre for Nutrition and Food Safety based inalready agreed to subsidise the museums so that they the biology department is seeking healthy men agedcould charge a £1 flat rate from September. The new 18+ and post-menopausal women. The trial involves adeal means the rebate will be still paid even if there is little dietary modification and would include just eatingnot charging. one soya meal each week. Sites affected by the move include the Victoria and "This is a really important first level study, which willAlbert Museum, the Natural History Museum and the enable us to provide deductions as to what and howScience Museum, as well as the Tate galleries at much soya individuals should consume to maximallyLiverpool and St Ives. Museums outside of England benefit their health" said Projects Co-ordinator Annehowever are not covered as their own parliament and Hawdon, assemblies fund them. Existing data suggests that soya consumption mayThe National Museum of Scotland is to remove its reduce incidences of coronary heart disease,entry fees from April making it equal with the Ulster menopausal symptoms and breast cancer. There is aMuseum. The National Museum and Gallery of Wales lower rate of these complaints in Asia where moreis negotiating with the Welsh National Assembly to soya is more prevalent. drop prices to £1 in the future. 25/01/01 Rag News 3 VC Finishes Farewell Unis, Alphabet Hello BP! by Rag News Team Sector. He is consdidered by manyby Rag News Team And White in this field to be a world leader. His The old UniS logo will be replaced contributions have included, taking It was announced this week by Image with a rather regal looking “Crest”. the credit for the Apollo Moon land- the queen that Prof. Pat Pending In what is expected to a major“The review will go much further ing, the release of Nelson Mandela, will recieve an order of XYZ so he waste of money, the Universitythan just a new name”, Prof. and the fall of the Berlin Wall. Since can complete the alphabet behind announced yesterday, that the oldPending commented. “We are arriving at the University fifteen his name. name UniS is about to be ditched.planning to scrap the semester years ago, Prof. Pending has been Prof. Pending said of his award, After a period of review, designsytem to introduce a schedule we instrumental in many initiatives “Naturally I’m totally surprised by consultant Mr Bags O’Moneyare calling terms”. There is which give him credit for every- this honour”. The professor is came up with the new image onplanned to be three ten week thing, including a weekly newsletter expected to receive his award from the back of an envelope in Wates‘terms’ in one academic year. The “Pending Matters” which informs the queen at a private ceremony in house last week. “UniS is veryold school structure has also been everyone of his greatness. Prof. the Elm-Tree pub later tonight. circa 20th century” said Mrearmarked for review. “We are cur- Pending MA, BA(baracus), NBA, Prof. Pending began his career at O’Money, “We needed to bring therently looking into the idea of MBA, ABC, easy as 123, CNN, Bogchester polytechnic where he enviroment straight into the 21st‘Departments’ to replace the MTV, NEWS24 (digital and cable was senior lecturer in the century with a new dynamic thatschools” said somebody important. only), CU, L8TER, M8, DiR, CD, Managing Complex Engineering would meet the needs of getting Minstrel Show DEL, C:\, MP3, NWA is 127. Structures For the Education Prof Pending onto the front page ofThe new ‘Departments’ will be the Surrey Advertiser”. smaller and easier to manage, with Black students being taught at group From next year, Unis will besessions called ‘lectures’. We Planes, Trains,known as “Battersea Polytechnic”,came up with the name of and the corporate colour will beBattersea Polytechnic due to the black. fact that the University is situated and Buildings right next to Guildford Cathedral. by Rag News Team

Following the success of the new “train” design of Car Park 5 court, Design Consultant, Mr Bags the University have commisiond O’Money another landmark building from Guildford Cathedral architects Nicholas Grimsdale and Partners. The new building, will be situated on the last section of grass on the campus, in front of Warning: The Effects Of Alcohol the lake. Mr Grimsdale said “We’ve by Rag News Team Screwdriver stuck in Cider head.But then Baby, you realise it's all covered boat and train, so it is only Every time Mary shakes her heada sham. natural that we move onto aero- When you drink too much alcoholblood Oozo's out of her, at a rate ofYou're rudely awakened the next plane”. The new building will house you are Wiskeyed off in a Martini toone drip Pernod. The pool of bloodday by Jack Daniels. As usual for a the Battersea Polytechnic Centre the nearest Port. There you meetgets slowly Lager and Lager untilSoutherner he offers no Comfort for Useless Research. “We are two women:- you can Beer it no longer. and simply Brandys you a drunk. planning many exciting new proj- A Black Russian called Tia Maria "What are you doing here?" sheThat was a Rum thing that hap- ects for the new centre” Architect Nicholas Grimsdale, yesterday who wears nothing but a Gin slip,Schnapps "I'm busy talking on mypened last night you think, let's get and another girl called BloodyVodkaphone." drunk again! Mary. "I don't know" you Wine. "Nothing She's bloody because of theis Red and White to me any more." Government Abolishes A-Levels David Blunkett announced onFashion Marketing. This will gen-measures were "an intense relief Monday that the Labourerate much-needed cash for us,for his team. Now my school won't Government plans to abolish A-as we are intending to charge stu-become the first ever to have an Level examinations altogether. dents even more money for theentire year fail every exam they His announcement stunned theprivilege of going to university." take." On the other hand, Mr. opposition benches into silence.The Conservatives were quick toBlunkett's plans were ridiculed in George Fotheringham,criticise the plans. "This is just yetTunbridge Conservative MP for Westanother in a sorry line of vote-Wells - one of the last places still Stretton, was even said to have grabbing, penny-pinching, policy-to have grammar schools. "I fink woken up briefly after Mr.avoiding, crowd-pleasing ideasit's, like, y'know, really stoopid," Blunkett's speech for the first timefrom the Labour Party," Williamwas the response from one in nearly a decade. Hague commented. "I just wisharticulate GCSE student at An artists impression of the new building. Mr. Blunkett was quick to explainwe'd thought of it first." Southborough Grammar School the logic behind his decision. "We Unsurprisingly, the announce-for Girls. believe that university educationment caused shockwaves acrossWilliam Hague was also keen to should be open to the people whothe teaching community. point out the similarities between want to go - not just the privilegedIn the private sector, there was athis policy and Labour's previous Todays TV few with qualifications," he said.palpable sense of relief. "We kneweffort to wipe out selective sec- 9amBBC1 In a press conference after-we'd done the right thing switchingondary education. He said that if Breakfast with Frost wards, he elaborated, "First weto International BaccalaureatTony Blair had been put in a class Hullo, good morning and goodbye abolished grammar schools,exams," said Donald Chipping,with the same sort of dunces that because they were unfair; thenhead of Newingtonville College,Mr. Hague had to share with, he 11amFILM GCSEs replace O-levels, becausean exclusive boys' boarding"very likely wouldn't be running the Other Peoples Money they were unfair, too. This year weschool in Yorkshire. "No Labourcountry now." This statement was Hilarious romp about the rise and fall of a spend happy windoware trialling new-format Government will be able to takequickly refuted by the DfEE, who cleaner. It is already apparent to us thatthose qualifications away from oursaid, "Mr. Blair was indeed at these do not go far enough instudents." school with a bunch of dunces, but 7pmA Touch of Frost allowing even the thickest pupils a Meanwhile, there was a mixedin our opinion, he turned out all David Jason stars as the detective who this week investigates decent shot at further education.reaction in state schools. Theright in the end." the mysterious disappearance of £240, 000. "Our new policy ensures thatPrincipal of one inner-city school more students will be able to studyin Birmingham, who asked not to 10pmFILM vitally-important subjects such asbe named, said that the new Carry On Spending Disclaimer - Rag News is not to be taken serious as all stories are fictious. 12amClosedown (Due to lack of funds) Rag News Team - Disco Roy, Bulltix, D.Bishop Your Emails 4 25/01/01 Your Emails

Please send your emails to [email protected] To: barefacts To: barefacts From: Penny Murphy From: Tim Brown Subject: Male Escorts Subject: Bollards and Chikanes Cc: Cc:

Dear Mr Editor, female and theincluded in the priceDear Bare Facts for which fines are in place. Imay even begin to feel that way. majority of us under!!!!!!!!!! but we may be would have thought that such acci- I am writing onthirty and single arewilling to negotiate. I just read the article regardingdents like this would be very infre-Tim. behalf of my fellowlooking for dates for Please send methe rather unfortunate grey hatch-quent if people obey the law as I, students at thethis special occas-your thoughts on thisback that crashed into a bollard.being someone who has to walk(ed. See news in brief on page 2 EIHMS building. Wesion. we were won-matter. Lighting is definitely an issuearound that area to get to myfor an update on last week’s front are final year nursingdering if the hockey, although I have not yet seen oneoffice, feels that sooner or laterpage story) students and gradu-football or rugy teamYours sincerely vehicle on campus move withinsome serious accident will take ate this August. could help us out.Miss Penny Murphythe speed limits other than securi-place.I personally don't under- We are having ourThere will be a three ty vehicles. For those who do notstand why people can't drive with- graduation ball at thecourse meal, wine, a(sports ed. What’sknow the speed limit is 15mph andin the limits. I, as a driver, have Forte Post housedisco, free transportwrong with theeven 5mph near Senate House.always done so and intend to con- hotel and being onlyfor a fee of fourtyUltimate DiscAnd I was even informed in mytinue doing so. I hope some others fifty five of us allpounds, extras notteam??) minibus test that this is a strict ruleout there feel the same way or

To: barefacts From: Tristan O'Dwyer Subject: RE: Tuition Fees Cc:

Dear Sir, Education Act states that a stu-case (and I believe that it is) howsocial, and no basis for a healthyI accept that. But society and gov- dent has the right to be member ofcan it be an argument for privati-society." I think this is a very self-ernment does NOT have the right I would once again like to replya university without being a mem-sation? The best active scientificish view. Taxation is actually aboutto not educate. It has a responsi- to several points made by Mrber of the NUS. If Mr Stanwayresearch is what we call "blue sky" asking people to contribute to thebility to do so, and therefore has a Stanway in his latest letter onreally believs the NUS is not pro-research. This is research that issmooth running of the country andresponsibility to encourage indi- tuition fees and education. tecting his best interests he isof no apparent "use" to anyone,helping to provide the basic serv-viduals to become teachers. First of all I will reply to his finalentitled to leave. Somehow Ibut is undertaken because ofices needed by society. What I doThere will always be people will- point. He seems to believe thatdoubt he will. curiosity (the "thirst for knowl-think is anti-social is a refusal toing to do this if it is a position treat- those who took part in the march Mr Stanway thinks that primaryedge" I talked of in my original let-face up to these responsibilities.ed with respect, and paid accord- against tuition fees should offereducation should be privatisedter). This research often leads, inBut then again, Mr Stanway does-ingly, through taxation. him an apology for claiming totoo. Who is to pay for this educa-the long run, to new useful tech-n't seem to have any problems represent him. They were not. Hetion? If it is the parents of the childnological breakthroughs, whichwith selfish views. As he said him-If anybody would like to discuss should realise that the purpose of then what would happen if theywouldn't have been foreseenself on the Union message boardthis further, a discussion on the a representative (in this case thecould not afford the education? It'swhen the research was started."My beliefs are in unmoderated,union website message boards NUS) is not to represent its mem-bad enough people missing outPrivate organisations are moreunashamed selfishness." has been taking place for several bers views. The role of a repre-on University education becauseworried about knowing what they The final point I would like toweeks now. I look forward to see- sentative is to represent the inter-they cannot afford it, but not get-will get out of it before commenc-raise is in response to the follow-ing other peoples points of view. ests of a group, not necessarilyting a decent primary educationing research, and as such woulding. "To claim a right to education what they want. The NUSwould have disastrous results fornot fund "blue sky" research.is to claim that educators have noYours sincerely, believes that it is in its membersthe individual AND for the country.Governments do, although still notright to refuse to educate us." This best interests not to have to payHe also states that "the justifica-enough. all depends on who Mr StanwayTristan O'Dwyer tuition fees. I think I should taketion for funding education is that itAnother point raised is that "tax-sees the "educator" as being.Final Year Phyics this opportunity to remind him thatpays off in the long run to have anation is about taking money offIndividuals have a right to refuse he does not have to be a membereducated population and activepeople with the threat of throwingto educate by not becoming of the union. Indeed, the 1988scientific research". If this is thethem in prison. It is distinctly anti-teachers, and not having children.

Please send all responces to emails to barefacts not the author. If you would like to write a letter then please send them to [email protected]

www.ussu.co.uk The new University of Surrey Students ‘ Union Website

Containing information on Union Events Societies Welfare Sports & more SO TAKEALOOK ANDHAVEABITOFFUN 25/01/01 Rag Features 5 Cosmic Crash Landing in Surrey

by Antidec Mclewn -Rag News Lunar Editor

Earlier this week, shocked observers reported that they had seen an alien space- craft crash land behind Stag Hill court! After a recent newspaper story reported on how there were possibly alien motorways on the moon barefacts thought it worth investigat- ing. Sure enough behind Stag Hill we found a huge cone-like structure, it looked slightly damaged by the torrential rain and wind. Under it we could hear grunting and the sound of power tools. A few minutes later we came face to face with an alien, as it came through the bushes towards us! Having run to a safe distance we decided to follow it. The alien was seen to disappear into the craft only to materialise on some kind of lunar-trolley, which it drove into the Stag Hill residences. It then stopped off to “phone home” in a local booth before con- tinuing onto central campus. Passing the union building the alien was seen to study several signposts and get excited over one in particular. It continued down some steps and it all became clear where it’s final destination was. Sure enough our silver visitor was seen to arrive at the Surrey Space Centre and disappear inside. It has not been seen since. The alien approaches the Surrey Space Centre

The alien spacecraft Phone Home Mr Alien goes rambling Mysterious space vehicles?

£££ NO TRAIN NO GAIN £££ If you can answer all these questions with "yes" we would like to hear from you!!! · get your promotion gear together (don't worry, it's all provided by us and ncludes: whistles, packets of crisps, cans of lager, crayons, copies of our free rail paper Do you need some cash? DelayTimes, a guitar etc.) run out to the rail tracks and entertain our passengers Do you live in University Court IV? (If you live anywhere else on Campus see in the delayed trains (which usually stop just before Guildford train station) by "Other jobs include") singing happy songs to them, giving out freebies and let them shout abuse at Do you want to earn some money and get valuable work experience at the same you. time? Do you like trains??? Other jobs include:

Your profile: Collecting stranded TESCO trolleys around campus You have a cheerful personality and relish the challenge of people behaving Working as a bell boy in the ridiculously slow library lift ensuring that people extremely rudely towards you wake up when the lift has reached the chosen floor You enjoy working in a very unfriendly and hostile atmosphere at unsocial hours Feeding the ducks and geese in the lake (in co-operation with the RSPCA) You are great at making up excuses if people ask unpleasant questions Working as a "lollipop lady" ensuring that no more senseless car drivers crash right into the new barriers on the hill beside the DK building Great!!! This means our mission is your mission: Making our clients, the rail passengers, truly happy by providing an excellent and absolutely superfluous customer service!!! You'll be pleased to hear that we have students working for us all over the UK and our theme parties such as "Catch the train" have proved to be extremely popular. Enjoy the Have a look at the exciting part-time positions we offer: fun of meeting people who also live in superb purpose built accommodation like "The Train" and share jokes on topics that everybody can laugh about like fire alarms, problem Train Spotter: windows and shrieking showers. If you live in one of the rooms in "The Train" which face the rail tracks turn a disadvantage into an advantage! All you need to do is: Don't hesitate to join CrazyTrains any time you like. We can assure you that your efforts · count the annoyed passengers in the passing trains will be incredibly valued not only by our company, but also by the whole country. We have · fill out the confusing "passenger survey" forms we provide all been suffering from bad train service for too long. · press the "service" button every time a train comes in so that the "customer fairies" can start their equally useless work It is time for some action and you can make a difference!!!

Customer Service Fairy: If you think that none of these jobs is ridiculous enough not to have a go at feel free to If your room is on the other side of the building don't despair because your new job is justcontact us at www.thiswasjustajoke.com or scratch your head for a little while if you still as fun and challenging! didn't get it… When you hear the "service" bell you only need to: Elections 6 25/01/01 Reuben View From Across Rantshe’s political! The Atlantic by Reuben Thompson able. Blair prudently left the countryThere is not now time for the govern- Politcal Edior for an "official visit". ment to invoke the parliament actBy Jimbo Einz, Washington Correspondent. MPs were given three choices onbefore the impending general election Last Wednesday saw three verythe future of hunting. The first optionso there is little chance of it becoming strange things involving Annewas to allow "self regulation", i.e. thelaw. Widdecombe. Firstly, she took the leftstatus quo. The second was an Having been something of a zero Gee, hiya, all you readers in lil'old England. I'm here in Washington DC to watch the inauguration of George 'Dubya' wing view on an issue-- in this caseauthority to license and oversee hunt-issue week last week, this week had supporting the banning of huntinging, and the third was a total ban onnot only the hunting, but also theBush and gee, what an experience it is- it sure beats the crown- ing of your ol' Queen Lil! with hounds; secondly, she receivedhunting with hounds. The importanthighly ethically controversial human cries of "Who let the dogs out" fromthing about this new bill, however,embryology debate. The argumentAs I'm sure you know, Dubya was elected president despite getting a lower number of votes than his opponent, Al Gore. Well the Labour front bench during Primewas that all three main partiescentres around the use of human Minister's Question Time (whateverallowed their members the rare spec-embryos for research. Both sides aregee, ain't that good ol' typical American democracy! It couldn't happen in England, where Tony Blair has a huge majority, I'm happened to the "adult and sensibletacle of a free vote. This means thattotally convinced they are correct debate" I was talking about lastMPs can vote how they want to, notmorally, with one claiming it is murdertold! In all my years of covering our presidential elections, I've never week?), and finally she insulted myhow their party tells them. There wereand the other claiming that the hair. It is however the hunting issuetherefore several surprises of theembryos are not people and thereforeseen one quite like this. The election went all the way to the Supreme Court. But yes, we still say that although the election on which I shall be concentrating. Widdecombe variety. For one, shethe potential gains in saving people Since Labour came to power invoted for a total ban on hunting. Theare worth it. The commons debatedwas decided by judges, it is a triumph for democracy. And gee, let's face it, where else but The Land Of The Free would such an 1997, the issue of a ban on huntingonly Labour MP to vote to retain thethe motion a couple of months ago in with hounds has surfaced and resur-current situation was Peter Temple-another of those ever elusive freeimportant election be decided in such a great way! Such a healthy contest like this is just what our Founding faced countless times, first with aMorris. Several prominent Lib-Demsvotes I mentioned, and narrowly Private Member's Bill brought byvoted to allow hunting to continue.passed it. The Lords however mayFathers intended- y'know, the accusations of racism, fraudulent voting practices and court decisions split along party lines. Yup, Labour MP Michael Foster which wasGuildford MP, Nick St. Aubyn votedlook at it in a different way. talked into the ground by the govern-for the middle option of licensed hunt- The final minor issue of the weekevery day I thank God I'm an American! ment, and now with the new, govern-ing. was the US presidential inauguration. ment sponsored bill that received its In the end though, the option of aStruck me as a complete waste ofCatch Jimbo’s weekly report in Muppet Radio with Jay, Lovebite, Dr. Spock and The Squire every week on GU2 (comming soon) third reading last week. Rumours,hunt ban won through by a fairly widetime and money, but hey, the albeit in the end false, abounded inmajority. The bill now passes to theAmericans need made up bureaucrat- the press that the Tories were goingLords who, in their infinite (ha ha ha)ic ceremonies to replace their total to amend the bill until it was unwork-wisdom will probably throw it out.lack of genuine history... Sabbatical Elections 2001 “Reach for the stars, climb ing every mountain….” Become aSo why be a Sabb? Well, to fully answer that you’ll have toVice-President Education and sabb? speak to some people who’ve tried! Being aWelfare sabbatical officer puts you in a place to real-This position deals with academic affairs For those of you who aren’t clear about thely influence things and tackle the problemsand appeals and also personal and confi- exact purpose of the Students’ Union, hope-you faced as a student. If you’re concerned dential matters. This involves sitting onerly and that every group is equally repre- fully this article will help put things into per-about the way the Union’s run or the issuesmany university committees and being asented within the Union Structure spective. Every student at this University willfacing students, if you feel you can reallygood listener. have a different view of USSU and how itmake a difference at University or national Vice-President Sports affects their lives, but all have one thing inlevel, then it’s definitely worth standing for Vice-President Finance andHaving an overseeing of all sports clubs can common: All have the automatic right toelection. Development membership. Being a sabb is a great learning experience: be a logistical nightmare. Have you made Sorting out budgets can be hard work.sure the coach to take the Men’s fifths to it’s about making sure the student perspec-Making sure clubs and societies stick to Whilst you might find the odd bar here andtive is put forward (and listened to!); it’s Brighton is ordered? … or was it Portsmoth? them is even harder. Also being involved in there, maybe a band playing sometimes, orabout teamwork, a lot of work, campaigning,the commercial side of USSU through chair- a disco going on, take away the entertain-networking, meetings, support, education, Luke Mackenzie ing Finance and Services Committees. ments, bars, and pool tables and you’ll stilltrying to make an impact - oh, and beer have a Students’ Union. prices... Closing Date Friday 2nd Feb, 4pm Vice-President Societies and Culture Don’t worry; I’m not about to spout politics atIf you’re thinking of standing for election orMaking sure all the societies function prop- you! The Union’s not about party politics -just want to know more, please just come it’s a democracy run for students by stu-along and talk to any of the existing Sabbs; dents, facilitating representation, training,we’ll be more than happy to help! academic advice, information, publications, co-ordination of clubs, societies, and ameni-Election nomination packs are available ties. But all this can’t happen by itself; whichfrom USSU reception from Monday of week is where the Sabbatical team step in. 15 with information on what you have to do to get involved. Every year a team of six Sabbatical Officers is elected by cross-campus ballot, (in whichYou can stand for the following positions. all full members are entitled to vote), and each is elected to be responsible for a dif-President ferent aspect of Union life. It’s a full-timeThey have overall control of not only the post held as a “year out” either during ornon-commercial aspects of USSU but also after completion of studies. Below are someits commercial affairs. The President sits on details about the positions available. all the major University committees and is the direct link between the Union and Typical responsibilities held by all sabbsSenate house. include representing the student population on various University committees, as well asVice-President Communications and on a local and national scale through workMarketing with and support from the NUS (NationalBarefacts is one of the prime media tools of Union of Students). Together or individually,the USSU and in this position you become they tackle issues affecting students as andthe editor. A lot of late nights are involved when these arise, providing contact andputting the paper together but have the joy integration for all student groups, ensuringof seeing the end result published – as long the objectives of the Union are met. as you can make enough money in advertis- Splat-tastic

Phantom Flinger Human Auction Music Reviews OFU Elections 8 25/01/01 by Texas with their 'Greatest Hits' album. Meanwhile in the NME Brat awardsto try and fill the space Glastonbury has left. Rock is also causing a storm across theEninem leads the nominees with 6 nomina-The event which was cancelled several Musicglobe as Queens of the Stone Age's Nicktions including 'Best Album' and 'Best Single'years ago due to poor ticket sales is due to Oliveri was arrested at the Rock In Rio festi-with 'Stan'. Coldplay and Oasis were nomi-be held later in the summer near Stratford val on the 19th January. Police were waitingnated in three categories with both of themUpon Avon. for Oliveri after the bands performancefighting it out for the 'Best Band' categoryOn the eve of Oasis's forthcoming US tour Newswhere the bassist played naked for the set.along with Radiohead. with The Black Crowes, Noel Gallagher has He was arrested for indecent exposure asThe first headliners for this years festivalsbrandished the American record buyers as The year 2001 has started how the musicfrontal nudity is considerd a serious offencehave been announced as Pulp and Orbitalhaving "bad taste, hence the Backstreet pundits predicted that rock would be big thisin Brazil and Oliveri could face a severe fine.are both confirmed to play this yearsBoys." He went onto add that they "can't year, as Limp Bizkit have stormed straightCraig David has top the nominations forHomelands festival. The event takes placesing, can't play and can't dance." Trouble is into the number one UK spot with their latestthis years Brit awards by being included inon the 26-27th May at the Bowl nearI can't remember the last time I saw Noel single 'Rollin'. In the process they havethe 'Best British Album', 'Best British DanceWinchester. Other acts that have been con-dancing but I bet it wasn't that good either. knocked Jennifer Lopez's 'Love Don't Cost aAct' and 'Best British Newcomer - R and Bfirmed include The Orb, Artful Dodger, Paul Thing' of the top spot after only one week.Urban' categories. Coldplay, David GrayVan Dyke, and Pete Tong. Further festivalSimon Robinson Similarly the Beatles album '1' which lookedand Toploader are amongst other top nomi-news is that since the cancellation of like it was going to number 1 for a long timenees. The award ceremony is due to takeGlastonbury, organisers of the Phoenix festi- to come has been knocked off the top spotplace on the 26th February at Earls Court.val are considering bringing back the festival EmotiveEmotive NatioNationn

If you were in PATS last Saturday you may have seen some strange sights: hands grabbing eggs, heads peering over sheets, and dancers in toilets. Well, it was all part of the Emotive (Student dance company) Dance for the Camera workshop. Led by Mim King, a Brighton-based dance artist, the workshop was part of South East Dance National Dance Agency's Inside the Artist scheme. Mim showed us her dance films, which have been shown on cinema screens nationally and one of which (Dust) won the IMZ (an international art film festival) Screen Choreography award. She talked us through the process of making a dance film and then we began story-boarding our ideas for a one minute dance film. After lunch we were armed with video cameras and sent off to make our short films. At the end of the day there were some fascinating films for us to watch by projector. One group had created a surreal experience with hands in a shower room, another had experimented with filming dancers exploring textures and there was a comic film testing the possibilities for dance within a toilet. It was a great experience for me and I think all the others enjoyed it too, there was certainly a great atmosphere throughout the day. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who took part and helped make the day so interesting and fun, and to Sophie at Unisport and Kate and Pauline in the Dance Department for finance and support for this event. If you'd like to try your hand at dance-making or filming then get in touch with Emotive, we have a pigeonhole in the Union reception area, so drop us a note or e-mail [email protected]

Michaela Lucking Secretary, Emotive Quirk’s Music tips for 2001

This years list for "Best Newcomer" at theletting the world get on with it's own ego.group of cocky make up smeared guttermore mouthy, and less Brits reads like an obituary for UK music,The sound is similar to Bjork's more sereneboys were going to revolutionise pop musicfat, if they don't chart who else would suggest the likes of underofferings, and will certainly please fans oflast year. Unfortunately so far they've yet towith their impending 6's fave Lolly and mind numbing trance by"Debut". Emiliana's latest single is out thisdeliver - with their last single, "Big Isn'tnew single the world is numbers workmen, Chiccane? Well here atweek. Beautiful", landing outside the top 40. It'ssimply not rock n' roll Bare Facts we like to think we know a little been a good warm up though, nationalanymore! better than the morons in their plush officesSugarcoma tours, magazine features, and extensive air- who see Cher as cutting edge and GarageTake 4 teenagers, add a bucketful of anger,play have at least placed King Adora in the having something to do with cars. Here arepain, and general index fingers in the air atti-indiekid conscious. For those looking for a 5 acts who you should be hearing a lot moretude, and you have Sugarcoma. Jessica"new Manics" they fit the bill, more glam, King Adora about this year. (vocals), Claire (guitar), Heidi (bass), and James (drums) met at school (and in fact, My Vitriol are still there finishing their a-levels) on the A four piece who met at college and signedwave of nu-metal. Their debut single, to Mushroom shortly after a limited release"Blisters", was released late last year on on London's Org records. My Vitriol combineVelocity records and has so far sold over cutting edgy guitar rock with emotional con-2000 copies. Steve Lamacq is a fan, playing tent several levels above any of their con-their songs regularly on the Evening temporaries. 2000 saw the band narrowlySession and bringing the band in to record miss the top 40 with "Pieces", a follow up tofor the show. This is metal music by metal the anthemic "Cemented Shoes", both ofkids, an example of the audience becoming which received substantial airplay on Radiothe band not seen since Bis transcended 1. The band played to huge audiences inindiepop hell circa 1996. An album is cur- support to larger acts and also at therently being recorded but has been delayed Reading and Leeds festivals. Their new sin-by their high profile touring support slots gle, "Always", is released in a couple ofwith the likes of My Ruin. weeks. Venus In Furs An as yet cruelly overlooked indiepop outfit, Venus In Furs hail from Darlingon but make regular trips down to London in a bid to find a deal. Their MP3 track, "Carnival", sat at the top of the Clickmusic internet music chart for over 2 months (and were only knocked off by Suagrcoma) showing that hundreds, if not thousands, of people have downloaded it. Theie latest demo cd has My Vitrol been played on the Radio 1 Evening Emiliana Torrini Session, and also by XFM. A 23 year old half Icelandic / half ItalianThe band have singer and composer Emiliana Torrini wasalso appeared snapped up by One Little Indian (home ofin several mag- that other great Icelandic export, Bjork) lastazines, includ- year. Her current album, "Love In The Timeing the (now Of Science", has been well received by thedefunct) Melody Venus in Furs press and she is now breaking through toMaker, and MP3 mainstream airplay thanks largely toMagazine. garage-style remixing of her most accessi- ble tracks. Previous single, "Unemployed InKing Adora Summertime", was a charmingly care-free naïve tale of lying back on Primrose Hill andIf you believed the Melody Maker hype this 25/01/01 Competitions & Millionaire 9 Competitions

Afternoon m’lovelies. Monsieur Lovebite, the huggable sex machine, is taking a well-earned break from competitionsWIN 6 FNO TICKETS SOUNDS this week, so you’re stuck with me, The Bird Bums, instead.

First of all to the winners of last week’s competitions.To get you plus five friends on the guest list for Friday We also have a copy of audio, the latest album from fuse, Congratulations to Louisa Hamlin who wins a batch ofNight Out, just complete this sentence in six words or less.to give away. To get your hands on it just answer this ques- spankin’ new CD’s, including the latest from Jennifer Lopez.The funniest response (according to the ed. board) wins tion: The answer to her question, which long-running TV programthe tickets: is co-presented by Jayne Middlemas, was of course Top of Who was the youngest member of the Beatles?: the Pops. Well done too to Nigel Martin who proudly collectsOther than Friday Night Out, what could the abbreviation two reef CD’s plus tickets to their concert in Guildford , forFNO stand for? (and they need to be vaguely printable, George Bush identifying that the Great Barrier Reef is in Australia. Hmm,please) George Harrison me thinks Mr. Hickey could do with making these questions George Clooney a bit harder.

Anyway, what’s up this week? First correct answer out of the hat wins the CD.

All entries must be in by 6 pm. on Monday. Editor’s deci- sion is final. . Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Hi, quizmaster Lovebite here again, this week two of our finestAsk the Audience 50:50 sportsmen take to the general knowledge field, representing the £100: a 0% b: 0% c: 100% d: 0% honour of their team. As usual, two lifelines (ask the audience and £100: keep c & d £200: a: 0% b: 100% c: 0% d: 0% £200: keep b & d 50:50) and if they get the £1000 and £32k questions right, they£300: a: 98% b: 1% c: 0% d: 1% £300: keep a & b ‘win’ at least that. If you want to take part in a future Millionaire£500: a: 7% b:83% c: 6% d: 4% £500: keep b & c then drop us a line a [email protected]. £1000: a: 11% b: 17% c: 15% d: 57% £1000: keep a & d £2000: a: 67% b: 30% c: 2% d: 1% £2000: keep a & d £4000: a: 18% b: 14% c: 10% d: 58% £4000: keep c & d The Questions: £8000: a: 22% b: 63% c: 11% d: 4% £8000: keep b & c £16000: a: 54% b: 27% c: 12% d: 7% £16000: keep a & b £100: Which of the following is a famous card game? £32000: a: 2% b: 22% c: 47% d: 29% £32000: keep c & d a: Doker b: Noker c: Poker d: Coker £64000: a: 20% b: 17% c: 11% d: 52% £64000: keep b & d £125,000: a: 31% b: 29% c: 23% d: 17% £125,000: keep a & d £200: In which month would you find Valentine’s Day? £250,000: a: 52% b: 7% c: 39% d: 2% £250,000: keep a & c a: January b: February c: March d: April £500,000: a: 27% b: 29% c: 24% d: 20% £500,000: keep b & d £1,000,000: a: 30% b: 18% c: 24% d: 28% £1,000,000: keep a & b £300: For which football team does David Beckham play? The Contestants a: Manchester United b: Sydney Olympic c: Miami Fire d: River Plate Matt Jackson Jeremy Hill £500: Which of the following was not a James Bond Film? After deciding to take most of the season off with a: Goldeneye b: The World is more than Enough Up first was footie boy Jez, the rock at the heart of the c: You only live Twice d: Never say Never the pathetic excuse of a broken leg, Kempyimpenetrable fourth team’s defence. Jez said that having describes his job as 1stteam hockey manager. Hegot £16,000 on last week’s quiz, he would be happy with £1000: Who is the current England cricket captain? began by requesting that there were no hockey£32,000 this time and after that he’d gamble. Well, he questions in the quiz, so as to avoid total embar- a: Alec Stewart b: Mike Atherton c: Michael Vaughan started off well managing the first nine questions without d: Nasser Hussain rassment and then added, “General knowledge ainta hitch, then disaster struck with question 10. First Jez my bag.” Despite admitting to a couple of guesses,asked the audience, but was not happy with their £2000: The Gallagher brothers are part of which band? Kemp, managed to get to question nine beforeanswer, so he took a 50:50 and was still not happy but needing a lifeline. He took the audience and went a: Oasis b: Blur c: The Stone Roses d: The Sex Pistols went with the audience anyway. That landed him a guar- with their answer. After hearing question 10 andanteed £32k. He then guessed the next two correctly but muttering a few words not printable in a family £4000: Paddington Bear’s favourite type of sandwich was had no idea about £250 question so gave up, with the a: Jam b: Peanut Butter c: Chocolate Spread d: Marmalade newspaper, he took a 50:50 and then worked outbest score this semester. the answer as c, since he knew the Mary Rose £8000: Hannah Spearritt is a member of which band? sank in 1545 (not certain how he managed to get it£125,000 from that but never mind). Question 11 proved no a: Steps b: S-Club 7 c: Scooch d: A1 problem and that was where it ended with Kempy not willing to gamble. £16000: In which county would you find Welwyn Garden City? a: Hertfordshire b: Berkshire c: Dorset d: Hampshire £64,000 £32000: Which English monarch died in the first decade of the 16thcentury? a: Henry V b: Henry VI c: Henry VII d: Henry VIII

£64000: Which county cricket team play at the Oval? a: Worcestershire b: Yorkshire c: Somerset d: Surrey

£125,000: Which of these beetles is usually the biggest in size? a: Stag Beetle b: Burying Beetle c: Green Tiger Beetle d: Violet Ground Beetle

£250,000: Habere is the Latin verb meaning a: to live b: to sleep c: to have d: to hold

£500,000: How many silvers did Great Britain win at the Sydney Olympics? a: 9 b: 10 c: 11 d: 12

£1,000,000: How many named satellites does Saturn have? a: 18 b: 20 c: 22 d: 24 Music Reviews 10 25/01/01

that wont let you go. Great song. 8/10 SR Single of the Week SinglesU2 – Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of (Island) LIMP BIZKIT - Rollin’ The second single from ‘All That You EMINEM - Stan (Aftermath) (Interscope) Can’t Leave Behind’ is another exampleFred Durst is ace, a huge Everyone knows this one, even yourof U2’s never-ending talent for writing gran who complains about how the man grown man whining and swear- good songs… Other bands who haveing for “the kidz” with his hard ruins that nice girls singing. It’s a clas-been going on for as long as they have sic, yes, and everyone is sick to death of mates riffing away in the back- don’t write songs half as good as thisground. Every 12 year old it after hearing it five times a day on theone! 8/10 O.C radio since November. So although this wants to be uncle Fred and would have got a 10 last year sheer sat- now they’ll be looking to joyride PINK - You Make Me Sick (Arista) round their middle class suburb uration point forces this down to a moreSassy attitude from the nu-feminist modest 8/10 A.T. with this blaring from the American with pink hair. This one seemsspeakers. It’s Britney Spears pretty straight forward, there’s this guy,when she burns her teddies SPOOKS - Things I’ve Seen (Artemis)right, and he makes her sick. Put it with Like the Fugees circa “Ooh la la la”, with and declares she wants paint your Destiny’s Child and other assortedher room black. It’s tailor made a smooth groove, a soulful female vocal,“men are scum” singles. 7/10 A.T. and some blokes doing their husslin’ rap for GAP when they declare “everyone in baggy pants” (wait, it’ll happen). It’s thing. A total kick back of a tune and absolutely f***king the sh*t (as Mr Limp would say) and just what daytime raido SAINT ETIENNE - Boy Is Cryinghas needed for a long time. 9/10 A.T. definite turn on for a sultry shimmy. 8/10(Warners) A.T. Like a Macdonalds, Saint Etienne arewho has been turning heads acrossboy-band. It is annoyingly plain and reliable if a little formulaic. More looping EVERLAST – Black Jesus (Tommy Europe throughout last year. This singleseems to have stepped back at least drums, synths, and the delicious vocalis in collaboration with Tore Johanssonfive years into the brit-pop era. Having Boy) of Sarah Cracknell. As good as any- The hip-hopper that gave us “Whitey (of Cardigans fame) and said that it will probably be loved by thing else they’ve done, bar of courseconsequently has a very recognizableteenage girls. I predict it will be the Ford Sings The Blues” is back with a“She’s on the Phone”. 7/10 A.T. razor sharp single with hefty guitar riffs sound. Torrini’s voice is also very simi-theme tune for a tv drama soap in the lar to another famous Icelandic singer…very near future. 5/10 M.S. and thumping hip-hop beats… a winner!Ash – Shining Light(Infectious 8/10 O.C. nuff said. 7/10 M.S. Records) JAY-Z – I Just Want To Love You Ash return to the fray after almost a 2JENNIFER LOPEZ - Love Don’t Cost(Give It To Me) (Mercury) LSK - THE BIGGEST FOOL (SONY)year break with what can only be This is another power-filled soulful track A Thing (Epic) Quite how this guy manages to get in described as Ash back to their best withOkay, so it’s very nice to have a fullthe charts is a mystery: his hip-hop is from a band that deserve far more wide-shimmering guitar, rock overtones and spread recognition than they’re getting screen video of this single (comprisingbland, commercial bull****. However, I all backed by the Irish charm of TimMs Lopez rolling on a beach and rippingam sure that as with previous releases, at the moment. Catchy chorus and aWheelers vocals. Shining light is a sim- quality vocal throughout. Nice 8/10 M.S. off some Janet Jackson dance moves)this will be a hit. Sad, very sad. 4/10 O.C ple love song turned into another Ashbut the song itself is a tired format. anthem which takes them back toSome r n’ b beats, a sliding chorus, andINGE VAN HENDRICK - Shamen FATBOY SLIM feat MACY GRAY –sounding like their ‘1977’ days. 7/10 SR Demons (Skint) some hideous horns at the end. It’s not(Unicorn Star) Well, you have all heard this before bad, just overkill of a genre in an alreadyPossibly the most derivative watered ETIENNE DE CRECY - AM I WRONGcrowded chart. 6/10 A.T. down lousy attempt at pleasing the haven’t you? Nothing for me to say real-(XL) ly except that this is surely one of the trancefloor this side of Hi-Gate, this is a Am I Wrong is the first single to be takenLIGHTS - Dare To Dream (Sony) shameless souless xerox of a thousand best singles from the Fatboy’s albumfrom the recently released ‘Tempovision’ ‘Halfway Between The Gutter And The Touted as the next big things in thetunes that have come before. 3/10 A.T. album. It is a innovative disco track withalternative scene Sony yet again shoot Stars’: with its soothing piano line, weirddistinct fuses of house and groove. De chants and Macy’s distinctive singing, wide with a tiresomely trad guitar rockAlaska J – Pop Idiots(London Crecy is renowned for his expert pro-thing that improbably combines theRecords) this is Norman’s production genius at itsduction and the finest. 8/10 O.C worst of Reef and Ocean Colour Scene.The first thing that springs to mind when single and two B Sides are proof that heGive them three re-releases over thehearing ‘Pop Idiots’ is something like the is one of the best and most influential Alpine Stars – Interlaken(Faith and next year or so and they might strikepot calling the kettle black because pop producers in Europe in the last tenlucky in a Toploader style as beingidiots are exactly what Alaska J are. hope records) years. 7/10 M.S. Hotly tipped as the best new dance act, everyone’s second favourite band. 5/10Riding on the Blink 182 punk pop phe- ‘Interlaken’ just shows why. Like an Air A.T. nomenon, they combine the attitude of EMILIANA TORRINI - TO BE FREE punk (or to them shouting and load gui- with beats ‘Interlaken’ is full of electron-(ONE LITTLE INDIAN) ic bleeps and blips that would put DUM DUMS - ARMY OF TWO (GOODtars) with pop melodies and they sound Emiliana Torrini is a 23 year old halfBEHAVIOUR) like a Top Shop Sex Pistols with crap Kraftwerk to shame and the listener isIcelandic, half Italian chanteuse singer drawn in by an insatiably catchy melody This is the fourth single from the guitarsongs. 3/10 SR

SHEA SEGER – The May Street Project Album of the Week(BMG) If you ever heard Patti Rothberg’s debut album, ‘Between The 1 and 9’, you willAlbums SHEA SEGER – The May Street Project (BMG) have a good idea of what this sounds If you ever heard Patti Rothberg’s debut album, ‘Between The 1 and 9’, you willlike: a mixture of rock, blues and folk.brain. Sculpting a sound that twists have a good idea of what this sounds like: a mixture of rock, blues and folk.Beautiful singing, clever, profoundstate of the art technology in gloriously Beautiful singing, clever, profound lyrics, Shea combines soulful sensitivity withlyrics, Shea combines soulful sensitivityunconventional ways, this C.D ignites rhythmic chutzpah. Stand out tracks include the first single ‘Last Time’, thewith rhythmic chutzpah. Stand outflaring beats with symphonic strings, bluesy fantasy ‘Isn’t It Good’ and the atmospheric ‘I Love You Too Much’. Theretracks include the first single ‘Lastfluttering electro rhythms with melan- is also ‘Wasting The Rain’ a love song that should be and all those cheesy tapesTime’, the bluesy fantasy ‘Isn’t It Good’cholic minimalism. The future of funk is you make for your loved ones… a great debut. 9/10 O.C and the atmospheric ‘I Love You Toohere. 8/10 O.C Much’. There is also ‘Wasting The Rain’ a love song that should be and all thoseTurin Brakes – The Optimist LP cheesy tapes you make for your loved(Source) ones… a great debut. 9/10 O.C Whilst rock is supposed to be the big thing this year, at the other end of the No picture SCANNERFUNK – Wave Of Light Byscale bands are starting to get noticed Wave Of Light (Sulphur) what with Badly Drawn Boy and A departure from the more abstractlyColdplay entering the charts recently invigorating experimental work that theyand likely to join them soon is Turin are more usually recognised for, thisBrakes. The Optimist LP is an album album seeks to unite the hip with the Music Reviews/ live 25/01/01 11 full of murky despair and anxiety.ern band who are hoping to expandwhere as the Smut Peddlers know no However, like a Shakespearean tragedytheir horizons. Their sound is very gui-poetry and the smut just gets dirtier and at the bottom of it all there is hope as ontar based with funk influence andthe violence harder. Still its supposed ‘save me’ Ollie Knight sings “pulling medespite good lead vocals the materialto be it is hip-hop. 5/10 SR Albums out of this mystery making me breathdoesn’t have much innovation or again” and on ‘The Door’, “there’s apotential. I can picture them being aThe Action Time – Versus the world much better place”. Turin Brakes con-full-time professional support band.(Southern Records) thing is relative and the reason for this sist of Ollie Knight and Galle5/10 M.S. Comprised of 6 members, all of whomtracks apparent brilliance is probably Paridjanian and together they write appear to be ex-cons or gambling drugdue to the standard of the rest of the songs with more despair than ThomYongen - Whispers andaddicts, which the chances of them alalbum which is poor. 2/10 SR Yorke and with more beauty than JeffKnives/Moonrise (Igi) meeting is pretty slim and by the Buckley. This is certainly somethingThe Japanese music scene has hardlysounds of it the chances of them mak-ANDY SMYTHE - CHANGING SEA- worth being optimistic about. 8/10 SRmade much of an impact in Britain anding a good album is even less likely.SONS (DREAMING ELEMENTS) this debut single from Yongen couldMade up by Miss CC Rider, JackI’m sorry, I refuse to hold back. THIS IS SLUDGEFEAST – Rock n’ Rollexplain why. Whispers and Knives is aDuvall, E B Rockets, Miss SpentDIRE. Utter meaningless, musicless (Fuzzbox) beautifully crafted song creating anYouth, S k Sparkles and Rock Action,drivel that a rabid monkey could pro- This debut album from these southevocative wide screen soundscape.The Action Time are a kind of Motownduce. His voice tears at my ears like a Londoners, with its brash, unpolishedHowever, this blend of beauty andSex Pistols. However, this comparisonpneumatic drill, his lyrics have caused sound is a direct take on the likes ofgrandiose leaves a feeling of emptinessis probably just an excuse so that theymy friends and I literally hours of Five, Westlife and all the other shit thatwith nothing to fill the space. Whisperscan get away with not even soundingamusement, but also serious pain. My clogs up the charts… The albumare too understated to fill this gap andlike they are in tune. Throughout thepersonal favourite track is ‘the Russians sounds like MotorHead in their earlywill just go by unnoticed perhaps some-whole of ‘Versus The World’ The Actionare coming’. Avoid like the plague. 0/10 days, with a hint of Stooges: raw ener-one needs to start shouting. 5/10 SRTime sound like a cross between aM.S. gy, killer distortion and LOUD!. It seems group of drunk Irish men returning like they are saying: look here you gab-The Smut Peddlers – Porn Againhome from the local after drinking fif- bling-rosyfaced-manufactured pile of(Beat Wax) teen pints of Guinness and a primary shit (Westlife, Britney et al.) learn howThe Smut Peddlers are the hip-hopschool choir group that cant sing but to ROCK! 7/10 O.C equivalent of Alex from ‘A Clockworkjust go along to get out of lessons. TheThis weeks reviews brought to you by: Orange’ as they revel in smut, filth andonly good moment throughout theAndrew Thomas, Alex Rajkovic, Simon Robinson. Matt Southcombe, Oliver SUCONA - NO EXCUSES (CONVER-ultra violence. However, the big differ-album is when front man Rock Action Chamero(There were more but a “techni- SION STUDIOS) ence between the Anthony Burgessleaves the singing to the women on thecal fault” prevented their appearance). This is a debut album from a southeast-character is that Burgess writes with artbeautiful ‘Killing Time’. However every-

Live

Fire Apple Red, Me Against it All and Ollie Impossible Dimestars Beach” will probably be the track that takes them The Peel, Kingston; 20/12/00 USSU, 21/01/01 chart bound. Clearly a band in the 80’s styling their attempt at 70’s disco resembles nothing more than I don't know if Belgian punk band Fire Apple Red like playing bottom ofKim Wylde clearly invented eighties pop/rock music.unfortunate pastiche. Although, as with many bands, the bill, but they do seem to consistently occupy that position in spite ofAlways perhaps seen as a manufactured bandwagonyou wonder if, in a seriously Y2K stylee, that may the excellent quality of their performances. Tonight they don't let usjumper with the likes of Tiffany et al it is only now wehave been the point. After all, did you see the espe- down, running through their usual set of punk/ska crossover songs,realise she was in fact the original source. What couldcially “wacky” grin the bassist had throughout? mainly revolving around beer. Singer, Tarik deals with a thirteen year oldlead to such a conclusion? Well, Roxanne, leadAndrew Thomas mohicaned heckler with aplomb, telling him exactly where he can sticksinger in Dimestars, is the sister of 80’s pop “sensa- himself to the enjoyment of the crowd. tion” Kim Wylde. And Dimestars are so gloriously Me Against It All, having recently secured a major record deal wereeighties it must be part of their genetic makeup. something of an unknown quantity, but they proved themselves to beStrutting on in grrrl rock leather trousers, feisty boots, one of the best punk bands I have seen in a very long time, featuringand her hair yanked up, she’s flanked by a “wacky” tuneful, highly lyrical songs almost reminiscent of the Foo Fighters atlooking bassist wearing Ali-G yellow tint wrap shades, times. The sound they produce is doubly impressive when you consid-and a guitarist who could have dropped off the back er that their average age is no more than sixteen. Definitely a band toof a Dum Dums tour bus. The sound they make con- watch out for in 2001. jures up memories of girls with big perms and boys Ollie Impossible, on the other hand, do nothing to justify their position atdriving their beat up cars around the streets of some the top of the bill and simply are not as good as the other two bands.insignificant city in America (the “Kids In America” no They are a lowest common denominator thrash punk band who find itless). Single, XXX, has a chorus so big there’s hard- amusing to write songs with profane titles which I would be forbidden toly room for anything else whilst their cover of “Echo repeat here in the hope that they will offend someone. Even so, there rendition of Slade's infamous "Merry Christmas Everyone" was a clas- sic in it's own right, if only for the benefit of hearing punked up.

@tomika, IJay, Reuben, "Jesus Built My Talbot Samba" Christmas Party, The Indignity of a Dinner Plate West End Centre, Aldershot; 16/12/00 (w.r.t. Uni students) You humans only know to laugh at the mistakes of others Local fanzine, "Jesus Built My Talbot Samba" have always been known I may be just a dinner plate When you yourself may well be worse; for their excentricity, but this evenings "traditional" Christmas Party took that you replace as and when that a pig would be your better! the biscuit, or more litterally the mince pie. On arrival, gig goers were But while I'm here being used by you handed a satsuma and told it was "good for them". Added to this, mince I shall make my own stand! Then I heard you'd left for a month pies littered the tables in the bar area, where a (totally inappropriate) dj You heartless S.O.B.! was banging out drum and bass classics. This aside, the West End Centre is a good little venue, and the sound was nothing but excellent The first day you laid eyes on me You left me here with a pile of others throughout the night. I knew you'd be no good all unwashed and smelly! First up were indie stalwarts @tomika, playing their last gig ever. A band You're just the type to come to me who recieved far more bad press than they ever deserved, they really when your belly yearns for food, I told the creatures that appeared on me did play this one like it was their final gig and they wanted to go out with and after you've been satisfied these white and greenish beings; a bang. Playing all the err... non-hits, they wowed an admittedly kindly you'd leave me your remaining goo! to travel quickly through the air disposed audience with probably the best performance of their career. and infest all your things. Sounding like an early Manics and 60 Foot Dolls crossover, they fin- Do I look like I would eat the crap ished with a triumphant rendition of their first single "Dead Flowers". you always leave on me? Such indignity have I not known Next up was acoustic reggae artist, IJay, who quite frankly was simply not that good (and I like reggae...), but still managed to please the crowd Even if I could, I would not want of any other thing; since most of his songs were about drug abuse, which was obviously your leftover gravy! than this injustice done to me what they wanted to hear. by a pathetic human being! Top of the bill were local band Reuben, previously known as Angel. Perhaps you think I would wash myself Sounding something like the bastard child of Placebo and Bush on heat, if left in the damn sink -bloocow- they showed themselves to be back on form despite the recent loss of Maybe while others washed their filthy hands In solemn rememberance of dishes left their original drummer. All in all, a good, well organised night. I could will the tap to water me clean! unwashed. ;-p by Reuben Thompson And the beat goes on ... So, what’s in store for 2001? Well for open ers you will already have noticed Boy Georgewill be here on the 2nd of February, along with the perennial favouriteMark Davis Rumour has it young Gareth will be joining the ranks that night too. We’ve got a cou ple of film nights lined up on Saturdays, beginning with Snatchon the 27th January. On the 10th we have the original teen slasher flick, so long banned by the censors, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. One of last years most popular events returns for a rerun on the 2nd March, FNO Fetish Night Pt II, for rubber phreaks and BDSM fans. Hip-Hop and Funkis now a regular on the events menu, with Rio et al making an appear ance in the HRB most Thursdays as well as the regular slot in stealing stones is dangerous... Chancellors on a Saturday night. catch some snatch

saturday 27th Jan 9pm main union free entry

Live Sport on the big screen

Saturday 27th January Sunday 28th 12pmLeeds Vs Liverpool (FA Cup)4pm Gillingham Vs Chelsea (FA Cup)

Matches Will Be Shown In the Main Union

Interview 14 25/01/01 Alive and Kicking

The Melody Maker is dead, Limp Bizkit are on daytime radio,social commentators like to write this all off as non-substantive schoolgirls have thrown away their Topshop mini-dresses and are“teenage angst”, the question is, are Sugarcoma 4real? Heidi stomping around in hooded tops and enormous combat pants. Thesmiles, “If anything when you’re young you have more, (dramatic alternative has become the mainstream and the mainstream thevoice) pain!”, James, “It’s about what hurts you personally, people alternative. Whilst this may cause untold shrieks of anguish fromare all different. If your parents died when you were two then your the alternative hardcore it does you a lot of good if you happen to beidea of pain may be different to that of someone who’s split up with making loud angry metal tinged punk. Before you were the kidstheir boyfriend”. Heidi continues, “the lyrics are a personal thing to everyone else stared at and called grungers. Now you are the epit-Jessica, she writes them. But then again there’s one song based on ome of cool and you can headline scuzzy London venues and sup-a book she’s read so it’s not always like that. I didn’t know the lyrics port some of the biggest names in the alternative rock underground.to Milk Fed were about someone with an eating disorder for You are 17, you have a debut single with Abuse’s “nu metal” off-ages…”, James adds, “I didn’t realise until someone pointed them shoot Velocity, you are three quarters female, you are Sugarcoma.out, we don’t get involved in the lyrics really”.

I meet Heidi (bass) and James (drums) in the dismal confines of theThe lead track on Sugarcoma’s debut single, Blisters, has been sat Minibar next to Highbury Garage. Claire (Guitar) isn’t here as she’sin the Clickmusic MP3 chart for months and their website is one of looking after Jessica (vocals) because as Heidi puts it, “…she’sthe best around, what role can the ‘net play in the band? Heidi, “in experiencing a lot of pain, she’s having a bit of trouble”. The riggersthe long run it might be that everyone gives their songs away as of touring, a personal issue, or a stomach bug, I never find out butMP3s with site advertising paying for it, I like the fact people can do get a chance to speak to her after the gig. download our songs cos then they sing along at gigs. I guess as far as the business side goes we distance ourselves from that, we So how did Sugarcoma go from being a band playing their localleave it to other people”, James, “MP3s definitely help with albums pubs to a group capable of supporting My Ruin with a single out oncos I know loads of people who download a few tracks then decide Velocity? Heidi, “we recorded this really bad demo and had this listif to buy them”. of people to send it to. Abuse was at the top ‘cos it was in aphabet- ical order, Sid came to see us and it went from there”. The musicBack in the real world the band have been touring continuously. As press have been really interested in the band since the singlesupport to My Ruin there must be some good stories. James, “Tarri release, what is it that makes you stand out as a band? Heidi, “itB got pushed over in Nottingham and Jessica jumped in and picked shouldn’t be because of it, but having three girls in the band proba-her up, now Tarri is like ‘Jessica saved my life’ all the time!”, Heidi, bly helped, and being young as well. Girls like to see other girls play-“Roy who was in Soulfly is doing the sound for My Ruin and it’s like ing in bands as well”, James, “we get loads of riot grrrl type at our‘whoah we’re not worthy’! We still get starstruck”. gigs even though we’re not really that kind of music”. With that James and Heidi are called to soundcheck so after the gig, With the whole scene that’s grown up around bands like Limp Bizkit,featuring stage divers and a fearsome metal duet between Jessicasomething like Milk Fed. We’re not like Limp Bizkit, yes we’re enter- Slipknot, and more saliently Kittie, where do you think you fit in?and Tarri B, I caught hold of Jessica after she’d signed cd coverstaining but when I sing my words I mean and feel them. Our songs Heidi, “it bothers us that we get included in the scene ‘cos we’re notpushed at her by a small riot of fans crowding around the backstageare not fake angry shit!”. really nu-netal. You have to be certain things to be nu-metal, I mean,door. Lyrically Sugarcoma are not the happiest of people, discuss. “I we’re not very downtuned…”, James cuts in, “and we don’t have awrite my lyrics to show how I’m feeling, you can write at any age,Sugarcoma, entertaining, real, and a whole lot more than mere DJ and we don’t know Fred Durst!”, Heidi concludes, “we’re more,even if it’s shit! If someone wants to say something then they should“teen angst”. well people say we’re punk, nothing like Kittie”. Althoughsay it, it doesn’t offend anyone, I wrote the lyrics for me, it’s not fake Sugarcoma clearly do not want to be lumped in with the nu-metalband stuff or anything. Two nights ago this girls collapsed at our gig scene a quick look at their audience confirms the look, with minibecause she was anorexic, you could see her ribs poking through Slipknots and Dursts doing battle in the mosh pit. Many parents andas they carried her out. That’s the sort of thing that makes me write

Story 16 25/01/01 BBALLOALLONNSSELLEELLERRBBYYCCHRIHRISSMMORTOORTONN He couldn’t see beyond the tumbling,that he had forgotten. What was the point in …’Till one day there is nothing more to It no longer mattered to Francis that it watching, waiting, crashed colliding.learning something that you were soon tohide from. was raining; the warmth felt nice. The water Watching was real. But he knew that every-forget? “What I do for myself, I understand Just one day in a hundred, you remem-was squelching in his shoes, but it was noth- thing was all right. thoroughly,” was the best lesson in educa-ber. Those photographs to ease the memo-ing but noise. The daylight blue, blood red, the hatetion. But Francis still did not understandry. The things you make to aid the imagina- But as Francis began to recover, a sud- and the love. Nothing was still tonight. Sittingwalking. tion, but also to change the reality. The lie isden uneasiness returned (hunger? thirst? on the bench opposite the tumble drier, Running was different. Francis couldthere to make it better. warmth? caffeine?). Francis levitated his mind. You can beyondunderstand running: There was always Francis remembered the photograph A sense of unreality was overwhelming. your eyes when you have time to kill. Andsomething to run from. that his Dad took from the bedroom window.And then the questions returned. Francis had time to kill. Francis imagined himself running whileWhere they were all arguing. He was sitting “Your coffee sir.” Somewhere in the confusion a solitarythe world moved slowly passed him. If heon his old Grifter; the others all had BMX’s. “Thank you.” red tea towel was glamorising Francis’ dresshad been running, then the world wouldHe could only half remember the trouble “And what would you like to eat?” sense. The tea towel was a troublemakerhave been a bigger place. If the world hadthey used to have, the laughable discus- “What sandwiches do you have?” and Francis was trouble. His perfect clothesbeen a bigger place then there would havesions were laughable to the adults, but to “Well, we have…” reflected his love for the abnormal. It wasbeen even more mess. them they were of greater significance: their There were many sandwiches and this that contradicted the rhythmic song in But Francis was walking, and when youfuture was at stake. Francis said the first recognisable flavour his head, the switch in balance of thewalk the world is always a big place. And in When Francis was in a good mood hethat the waitress spoke because it was only unheard conversations and the peacefula big place there is time to think. remembered the bike races, climbing treesone that he could manage to remember. She humming of those machines. For the laun- Thinking while you are walking is alwaysin the woods, the picnic in the bomb shelter,was reading the recipes off a blackboard. drette was peaceful. And everything, afterdangerous. There is too much silence, andthose walks around the golf course. Star “Um… Chicken and Mayonnaise?” all, was all right. too much time to think about the things thatWars toys, Action man, the cars that were Eye contact with the waitress was Francis stared until he knew that it wasyou do not wish to think about. revved up for speed. The building sites andbecoming increasingly difficult. Did this time to finish staring. He knew that it would Like angels and devils. Francis alwaysthe videos about disasters in these situa-mean that she had a stronger character than be time to leave when his palms began toknew what he liked to think: Destruction.tions when he was at school. Francis did? Had she stolen his confidence? sweat. Honesty was too powerful and escape was When Francis was in a bad mood he The waitress walked away with the order Once again Francis was overcome bytoo seductive. remembered the fighting, the dominance,while Francis stared through her body the feeling that he had been here before, he Francis was oblivious to all that he saw.the feeling that he was worse off than any-towards her friend at the counter. He noticed had felt these emotions, ignored theseAll that he saw was nothing, because noth-one else. The times when he was locked inthe eye contact between the two of them. He sounds. ing was there to see. his room. knew that he was the subject of their enter- But Francis only felt that he had been The unfound was on his mind. The past, Francis remembered looking out of thetainment. But the same was true of every- here before because he had been herepresent and future already existed.window of his childhood bedroom. He wasone. before. It was a Saturday after all. Forgetting to breathe was a simple task real-looking at the older kids; they were so free. Francis stared at the sugar packet in “Turn,” was the simplest way to describely, all that air, the transfusion passingAs always they were playing out in the streetfront of him. Did this contain an exact spoon- the movement in front of Francis. Francisthrough him while he continued along the‘till late. He was overcome with jealousy. Hefull of sugar? What was a spoon-full any- could picture himself thrown against thosepath obliviously. no longer wanted to be himself. This was hisway? What type of spoon was used to dead ends of life. He recognised the pattern He didn’t like to think about dinner,one wish. measure this, a teaspoon maybe? But were of picking himself up, brushing away thebecause dinner was effort. And loneliness: It was raining. The world was changing.all teaspoons the same? stress of past experiences, only to be thrownloneliness was painful. Working was a task,In a metamorphosis of emotion the rain The businessman was talking to his against the wall again. And then, inevitably,too much of a task even. But working waschanged everything. One more time thedaughter. He was telling her that Red-Hill the time would come when… also an occupation, something to occupy thepromises of a better world were shattered bywas called Red-Hill because it was built on a The red patches would have been lessmind and provide a distraction from fearfulthe natural progression. red hill. obvious to any normal onlooker. But tothoughts. The thoughts were governed by There was one perfect day that had A blue vase was on their table. It was Francis they were brighter than the silverhis state of mind, a state of mind that wasalways been remembered in Francis’ mind.holding an arrangement of flowers. Why pinnacles under the soles of his own shoes.becoming increasingly significant to his situ-He had been only twelve years old. Hewere they there? And the tea cloth patterns: Split wide open like a new beginning. ation. never used to talk much to the girl next door,These brought back past memories of child- His hands were beginning to sweat. It On his last dance Francis would releasebut somehow on that occasion they hadhood, when Francis was taken to restau- was time. all the tension. He would survive because ofbeen together. Girls were silly but Francisrants with his parents. Francis stood up and walked towards thehis intelligence. Intelligence was somethingwas often bored. The day had been perfect, Francis turned his attention to the in-door tumble drier in front of him. He pushed thethat could be nurtured. But also, he knew,the sun had shone. They had been given atree that grew across from the table that he stop button, opened the door and began tointelligence was luck, and luck was what youpicnic, and a swim. That day would neverwas sitting at. It reminded him of a caged unload the contents throwing each item ofwere born with, born to. have happened if it had been raining. Theanimal. Was it cruel, this restraining of a free clothing into his washing bag. Crusts and curly hair was a popularmemory would not be there. life to an unhealthy environment? Once the bag was full, Francis slung itthought. Did crusts really make your hair Now Francis slept on the floor. And he The waitress, with her sixties haircut over his shoulder and walked towards thecurly? What if you wanted to have curly hair?thought of these things. Those days of oldreturned to Francis’ table with the sandwich door of the laundrette. Once at the door, heWould this mean a diet of crusts? Hadwould be there to lie beside him. that he had ordered. She placed it in front of stopped and waited politely as an attractiveFrancis’ Mum cut the crusts off her cucum- In the rain people are more likely to over-him, lay a knife and fork down on the table pensioner struggled with her shopping. Heber sandwiches for a reason? take you when you are walking. The pedes-and told him to enjoy his meal. Francis had did not help her; it would have opened up Francis was told never to run down thetrians were and are like traffic. been unaware that it was a meal. Was a the possibility for an interaction. Francisstairs when he was a child. He was told that To escape from the rain a restaurant wasknife and fork necessary for a sandwich? hated interactions; he hated polite conversa-if he ran too fast then he would break hisneeded. Francis could feel the eyes of eachWas this the policy? And what was this salad tion most especially. legs. Sometimes stairs frightened Francis.customer looking straight through him. Theon the side of the plate that nobody ate? But The pensioner’s dark eyes thanked Francis remembered sitting on the bot-forlorn dignitary sheltering from the outsidesome people ate it, surely. Maybe it was for Francis as she passed him. Francis smiled,tom of the stairs of his old house, when heworld. His confusion was more than obvious.a want of better health. Francis didn’t like smiling was easy. was a child, frantically tying his shoe-lacesThe oddness and the entertainment of hissalad – lack of taste, lack of anything! Was it “Don’t say another word,” was the state-together, anticipating the snow-filled streetssituation filled all of their minds. With greatconsumed to get one’s moneys worth, and in ment that met Francis as he stood on theof the outside world. He remembered thedifficulty, Francis managed to order a coffeethis way did it give a satisfaction in a way not pavement, attempting to light his cigarette.sweet that he was eating, chocolate money,and find a table for himself. intended? “It’s my life,” was the response. the sort that was always given to you at Francis had nothing to read, so he con- Francis decided to avoid these questions The phrases came from the two girls whoChristmas. This was the day when Franciscentrated on the menu. It was better to lookby concentrating on the present task of con- were standing at the bus stop outside thecame closest to his maker. As Francisdown and avoid any eye contact. But everysuming the Chicken and Mayonnaise sand- laundrette. In Francis’ mind the argumentremembered the choking, and the pain in hisnow and again Francis would look upwich in front of him. Sometimes though, it had no meaning. In their minds the impor-back and on his sides it brought a smile tobecause he needed to be aware, and slight-was difficult to stop thinking. tance was overwhelming, it was somethinghis face. It was a fond memory, that memo-ly on the defensive. Just as Francis finished his sandwich, that he could identify. ry of helplessness. A glance to the left told Francis that thethe coffee ran out. But there was still some Finally the lighter in Francis’ hand pro- Even if it is still in your innocence, youworld was still immersed in water. milk left. Francis drank this because he was duced a perfect flame. The cigarette was litoften remember the pain. A glance to the right told Francis that thethirsty. If he had run out of milk, but not cof- and Francis no longer had any need to listen Though it is still so confusing, the effectswaitress had still failed to come over. Francisfee, would he have been able to ask for to the solving of other people’s problems.of those voices are often there to remindwas waiting. more milk? Was the milk free? “Tell me what you want to be.” you. And then the memories are boxed up The old man in the corner was sitting by Francis was going mad. He had noticed Francis dreamed of quiet sounds, theand shelved, there for the possibility of laterhimself as well. Francis wondered what hethe two balloons that were tied to the busi- people around him were cattle: Why wereuse. Emotions for us are nothing but incom-was thinking. nessman’s table. Would he rather be a busi- they not speechless? Speech was some-plete. They are there to ramble, proceed, The businessman at the centre of thenessman or a balloon-seller? Would he thing that he liked to avoid. And walkingtraverse and progress. Take a trip to thecafé was ordering squash for his daughter.rather have a daughter or a wife? Would he down the street of his own small world,grave. Maybe that is the way that it is sup-Francis wondered whether it was a businessever buy a sweet shop? All Francis wanted avoidance of all things inert was a necessity.posed to be. That place is in the clouds. lunch. to do was buy an ice-cream van and drive Walking was an effort at times. “One foot At times you have seen those days so “Orange, lemon, lime? No?” around in the rain selling ice-creams to in front of the other,” they had told him atenjoyed and you will once again understand. Now was the time to negotiate. those people who were brave enough to… school. How many muscles were involved?Those visions smell so strong (they take you “How about orange milk shake? This was something else that Francis hadback). Strawberry, banana, vanilla?” learnt. And it was one of the many things Time will tell he supposes… “Thank you, very much.” Websites & OFU 25/01/01 17 Sex, Lies...... WebSites

You like games? Well there are some ....& The Camberwell Carrotgood online games around but to try and keep things short this week I'll review the sites I've found with JAVA OH LORDY, but why must I be a thief? And games and next week I'll look at all the can it be wrong to steal from people who sites out there with free shockwave don't know what they have? based games. Such deep philosophical questions are ones OK just a slight plug but try going here wholly evaded by this week's OFU film, for a few nice JAVA games like "Entrapment". Starring Sean Connery and Asteroids and Tailgunner…I won't Catherine Zeta-Douglas, not to mention the review the site coz a) it's on geocities, world-famous Ving Rhames, "Entrapment" and b) it's one of mine ;o) boasts a top-rate cast, tons of style, and all http://www.geocities.com/thera_r the blissful silliness of a classic heist film. http://www.eyeone.no Register for free Catherine Zeta-Douglas plays the world's and then just have a look round, most voluptuous insurance investigator, there's a lot more here than just games investigating the theft of a Rembrandt when but as it's games we're looking at I she encounters charismatic chief-suspect, have to say this has a slightly smaller Robert "Mac" MacDougal. "Mac" quickly selection than some of the other sites ensnares her in typical cad fashion, and the but they are good, and fast, and easy two repair to his Scottish castle to plot the to get to…just one small snag the theft of a rare mask from an English muse- invaders game isn't always up and run- um. Yet the plotting doesn't end there... ning, they fix it, it breaks, they fix it, it breaks, they fix it…. 9/10 "Entrapment" is the kind of film Barry Norman would describe witheringly as a "delicious http://www.BrainBlitz.com Again a lot romp", probably while polishing his nails on more than just games, in fact it's really his cardigan. Fact remains, however, that just a great spring board to find the "Entrapment" is a film with tons of attitude, Entrapmentgames you want to play no matter sex appeal, and a thrillingly daft plot, helped what format they come in. It's well laid along by the charm of Zeta-Douglas andabove all, not doing any work. Finally suc-horror serial killer film, Jennifer 8, bowlder- cumbing to The Fear one fateful morning,ized by its US studio and stealthily releasedout, easy to follow and has a nice sim- Connery. The tension between the two char- ple nav tool if you want to look around acters is realised in grand fashion by the twothey pile into an antique and decidedly dodgyto die a quiet death. Jag and head for the hills, hoping to shack up the site more. I also have to say it has leads, and even cheesy lines like "Never trust more than one version of Asteroids a naked woman," do little to dispel it, even ifwith the redoubtable Uncle Monty (RichardPaul McGann went on to be a Doctor Who. Griffiths). For a little while. listed…but it doesn't tell you what the one does suddenly start searching the games run on you just have to click screen to see where Roger Moore is hiding. In mood and atmosphere, "Withnail" strad-"Withnail" retains its classic status and cultand find out. 8/10 OFU shall be showing "Entrapment" at 8pmdles a razor's edge between drunken eupho-following after fourteen years for two reasons ria and sobered despair, having the courage- one, people just /cannot/ stop quoting lineshttp://www.brackeen.com/home/scared on Sunday the 18th of January, in Lecture This is an amazing JAVA game, a Theatre G. and honesty to show us both sides of thefrom it; and secondly, because it's utterly characters' mottled existence. For this, itmagnificent and perfect in every way. doom clone with a difference, only a few problems with them making it in University Arts Cinema this week shall beseems all the more a magnificent film. University Arts Cinema shall be showingJAVA, only one type of weapon and showing a modern classic. There is simply no one type of bad guy, but if that doesn't other way to describe the cavalcade ofCosting next-to-nothing to make, the after-"Withnail & I" at 8pm on Wednesday shock of "Withnail" was extraordinary, mak-the 31st, in Lecture Theatre G. bother you and you enjoy walking debauchery, insanity and terror that "Withnail around the halls shooting people this And I" so vividly brings before our eyes. ing Richard E Grant a star overnight and reaping considerable dividends for its otherJames Dibley should be just the thing for you. Just click on the play more games link and In "Withnail", the two titular characters areleads, particularly Ralph Brown. Writer/direc- tor Bruce Robinson went on to suffer a string find some other goodies this guy has unemployed scumbag thespians (Richard E here, all I can say is way to go Grant and Paul McGann), half-heartedly bat-of well-made flops, including another cult classic, the dark- Dave…9/10 tling addictions to various substances and http://www.gamehacker.com/georgerh Some nice games here, the darts game is annoying, I guess you get used to it…the pool game is ok a bit tedious at times but fun anyway and the game of bully is good once you get going, especially if you move up the levels. Only a few games but I did like bully…6/10

http://www.vandaveer.com Not exactly the best layout but has some great JAVA games…try games like cannon, bunny blaster, pinball…just look through the arcade plenty of games to suit anyone's taste. I recommend this site to anyone with time on their hands, which basically means I should- n't even be trying these out there's too many. 8/10

Final thoughts…well just have a look round for yourselves…I'm pleased to say that at least two of the games I placed on my site I didn't find any- where else. Hours of free online gam- ing fun is so easy to get to…but per- haps best not to get caught using them on the university computers…

“due to technical faults ie servers crashing we were not able to obtain any pictures of these websites” - ed

Adverts 25/01/01 19

Do you know someone who wants to be flanned?

email: [email protected] Rag 20 25/01/01 RAG Human Auction

Jacqui and Michelle look to see who their master will be Adam Jakeway caught with his trousers down

Monday saw the first night of rag week, and as MacKenzie is shocked that somebody tradition dictates, the Slave Auction. is actually buying him

Over 150 people turned up to bid for about 15 slaves. The victourious bidders ended up forking out between £3 for James Buller (who had to wear his underwear outside his trousers) and £37.50 for Socket. Somewhere in the middle of that was Adam Jakeway who originally went for £15 only for A.J. to walk on stage and re-open the bidding with AJ bagging Adam for £25 and condemming him to ‘total humiliation’.

Despite the Production Editor managing to get out of it, bf was well represented withJames (£3), ed Kev (£8), dep ed Luke (£15) and marketing team Ali and Ellen(£25). Pres Fi went for £12.50 and has to wash Shaggy’s clothes (which hasn’t been washed for over a month) and Shaggy himself went for £10 with the victor getting to shave his hair and beard. Lucy went for £15 and Susi went for £21 after her boyfriend tried to place a telephone bid, but didn’t think she was worth more than £21.

Overall, about £300 was raised for the RAG charities on a night when more people became aquainted with the Phantom Flinger. Hair today, gone tomorrow

Jo gets her come-upance

Kev doing his Marilyn Manson impression When Dan’s old enough, he might need all that foam to shave The Phantom Flinger Hey there, it’s your ever-loving Phantom again. Sorry I couldn’t make it to the Auction on Monday but I sent on of my assistants and boy was he a busy bee. As you can see from the photos, he got six people in all. First up was the ever-lovely Jo Noblet, over a dozen people wanted her splat- ted, what have you done to deserve it Jo? Or is it just a bunch of admirers wanting to lick the cream off of you!! Next was the sex-God that is Baby Dan from UniSport, he wasn’t meant to get flanned, my assistant was just a bit too eager and made up too many pies, sorry Dan, I reckon you’re too good looking to get done. Third was a real deserving case, Andy Blair, now Blairy has committed Some cruel people many crimes against humanity, as anybody who has heard him sing will laughing at Dan testify (only joking babe), also he managed to get away scott-free during his year as a sabb, so better late than never. Next was another random one, Pete Chambers, who just happened to be sitting in the wrong place at the wrong time. Never mind though it is Rag Week after all. Last but by no means least was the double hit of the gorgeous sailor boy, Ben Sidders, and the evening’s host Paul Hobra. Unfortunately, it did- n’t quite go to plan, Ben was hit but Paul managed to overpower my Blairy in all his glory assistant and got away with it. Oh, well you win some, you lose some.There is one problem thought Ben, the photos taken of you getting Random Pete gets Splatted got are not usable, so I might have to get you myself, so that we can put it in bf. Before I go, I would like to make it clear that I will personally splat the deputy editor if he boasts once more that he was sold for more than the rest of the male bf slaves put together. Do you wanna see somebody splatted, well drop me a line at phan- [email protected] and remember, the next flan could have your name on it. 25/01/01 Life, Gossip, & the Universe 21

Big Sister LIFEAFTER Well Christmas seemed to have itsabout and what a story they came upOn a serious note, GIRLS, if you THE ups and downs, didn’t it? We had awith. Last semester chats at the barhave a boyfriend and decide you complaint from the house-keeperwere overheard and there are somefancy someone else’s....boyfriend WOMB from Cathedral Court.....how muchgirls out there (the ones with thethat is, keep your hands to yourself. noise do you need to make?pleated hair) who don’t like givingWe have to do our duty to the com- by Rich W Apparently the cleaner was moppingblow jobs because all the hairs getmunity and report such crimes, so the floor to the sighs of ecstasy. stuck in their mouth. Perhaps you’vejust remember you have beenI’ve been watching a lot of that flashy box-thing that sits in the been giving them to the wrong boys!!warned or we will try to set the phan-corner of the lounge recently. You know, the one that has peo- I suppose every court has their fairKeeping campus boys satisfied is bytom flinger on you. ple trapped inside it, but they don’t seem to mind so they just share of screamers but honestlyno means easy. carry on with what they were doing, unaware that I’m watching Guildford Court girl, can’t you keep Right that’s your lot, enjoy and anythem. Anyway, on this peculiar contraption, there is this thing the noise down ‘cos it sounds like heWhere did that slippery diva Asp go?more titbits can be posted to thecalled “The Box” - it’s kind of like music television, but you can just stands to attention all the time.It seems she has disappeared off theusual address.choose what songs you want to come on next, and so it’s got These final year chemists can’t con-face of the earth in a Pied Piper [email protected]. this slogan that goes “Smash Hits You Control”. It’s very addic- trol themselves can they. You shouldion. Come back Asp we need you!! tive. Anyhow, to choose a song, you look for its code, which be ashamed of yourselves, it sounds Boa, The missing Asp and Tinkycomes up at the bottom of the screen and then phone for that like your doing a biology degreeFriday night proved itself to be fruitfulWinky. number: it’s really quite simple. The only problem is that some- rather than a chemistry one! of gossip, as usual. Blondie midwife times, the entire title of the song won’t fit on the screen, so A seemed to receive a LOT of atten-(ed: if you would like us to set thethere’s that little abbreviatory “...” thing. For example, if you Stag Hill have also seen their fairtion, and most of it unwanted. SoPhantom flinger on Boa and Aspwanted to hear Savage Garden’s ‘Truly, Madly, Deeply’, it would share of comings and goings. It’sremember lads you can look, but youplease let us know) come up like this: great fun watching those girls andcan’t always touch. boys climb up the fire escapes and Savage Garden - “Truly, Madly...” sneak into the rooms above. YouWe’ll look forward to the updates know who you are! from the nursing birthday party this (At this point I’d like to mention that should anyone reading this week. Keep us informed. column want to phone up for a Savage Garden single, then can The little gossips have been out and I ask them to stop reading; not because my opinion as to Savage Garden’s credibility as any kind of musical act might Personals offend them, but also because I’d rather not have fans who like and admire that ‘band’ liking what I write - the slightly tenuous *Not bad at this matchmaking lark am I. tionnaire about the Russsian possibility of similarity by association is too much). language then please contact me, Rachel, on *ohhhh! SPARKLE SPARKLE *Libby, why wont you answer me, love Drew. 01483 569053. It will help me So, all of this dot-dot-dot business is fine, but occasionally, out a lot - thanks! *DAVE HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR PILLOW there are the odd song titles I’m not too sure of, and it is these *See Mr. Sidders, don’t mess with the best RECENTLY *Anyone fancy a lovebite? that I would like to share with you, if that’s ok (not that you have *Who is the Phantom Flinger??????? *GINGER IS GREAT!!! much choice) - would someone write in and correct me if I’m *Wap fone tastic wrong? *Are you RUSSIAN? *Bloody Phantom Flinger If you would be willing to answer a short ques-*Poncy Git Ronan Keating - “The Way You Make...fajhitas, perhaps? Maybe he means that lovely cheese sauce I put with my pasta? Or possibly he likes the way I make my scrambled eggs? I don’t know.

Bon Jovi - “Thank you for...letting my career go on this long even though I persevere in having really bad haircuts and wearing leather that a man my age just shouldn’t be wearing? Or for letting Aerosmith fade away in a cloud of drug and alco- hol abuse making everyone think we’re the only people left who can really rock?

Whitney & Enrique - “Could I...have my ball back please? I kicked it over the fence by accident and my mum will be really upset if I don’t get it back.

Bob the Builder - “Can We Fix...it for this old tv celebrity who runs in marathons and smokes cigars to have his fame back and become a star again? Or possibly “Can We Fix...all of the railway lines that still need mending in time for Railtrack to avoid more hefty pay-outs to aggrieved commuters?

Britney Spears - “Ooops I...forgot to keep my appointment at the laser eye surgery clinic and so will have to continue living with this lazy eye I’ve got? Or, more probably, “Ooops I...have realized the effects I was having on the male population of the world and so have decided to shed my innocent virgin-like image and will instead concentrate on my new chosen profes- sion: Britney Baps- the porn star.

Christina Aguilera -“Come on...(ermm, best not say. She may mean it in a Gary Glitter, “come on, come on” chanting “be in my gang” sense. Then again, she may mean it in the other Gary Glitter sense, so we’ll leave this one, I think)

Baha Men -“Who Let the Dogs...into the Union? (I personal- ly blame Security)

Jennifer Lopez - “Love Don’t...mean you can shoot some rapper and expect everything to be alright just because he comes from a different side to you? Or maybe it doesn’t mean you can shake yo’ ass like a momma just ‘cus you have the 3 Reasons to come to Cricket Training on Sunday Latin spirit and a puffa jacket to match? 1) You can watch trampolining totty perform I’d better stop here, but feel free to have a look yourself - it 2) You can legally injure union security really does pass the time when you have nothing better to do. 3) What else do you do early Sunday evenings? (Actually, it passes the time when you do have things to do as well, but don’t tell anyone I said that). A quick hello to Police Cricket Training: Sundays 5:30 - 7:30pm Unisport Officers Leaving Lovely York, by the way.

Contact Mike (ma91mp) or put a note in the pigeon hole for more details Lifestyle 22 25/01/01

Dr Russ

Dear Russ advantage of the preparation time. When the instructions are read out, make quite Why do some employers use tests andsure you understand what you are asked to what advice can you give me to improvedo. Make the most of this opportunity to my performance? ask questions while you can. Once the test starts it is out of the question! You’ll Dear Kate have practice examples to try. Don’t worry about holding everyone up if you find these Employers use tests because they have difficult. It is vital you get the gist of what is found that interviews don’t always providerequired before the real questions start. them with all the information they need Thereafter, try to work - quicklyand accu- about a candidate. For example, if they rately. Some tests start easily and lull you want an up to date measure of how good into a false sense of security. Don’t be you are at reasoning with numbers, a testfooled! They often get more difficult as the provides a more accurate measurement test proceeds and you realise you don’t than a question during an interview - how-have as much time as you thought. ever persuasive your answer! Finally, try to stay calm even if you think There are basically two types of test. Theyou’ve done badly. Tests only form part of first sort are designed to measure differentthe selection process and you can aim to aspects of your personality such as your improve your overall performance through sociability or your assertiveness. They aredoing well in other exercises. not usually timed and there are no right answers. It is best to answer these as Russ Clark honestly as you can rather than by trying toCareers Service give answers which you think the employer wants you to give. PSWe run Practice Aptitude Tests throughout the semester. Please sign up The other kinds of test are timed. They arein Careers if you wish to attend. For more known as aptitude tests and are used to information on other events, please look at measure your ability in some area. For our website at example, how good are you at working withwww.surrey.ac.uk/Undergrad/Careers/index figures, can you recognise patterns, are .html you good at reasoning with words, and so on. The key to doing well is to take full

MONEY MATTERS AGM’s Tuesday 30th January 1pm Union TOP TIPS WANTED OFU Tues 30th January Union Exec Committee 6pm LTH So far this semester the finance team in the Student Advice and Information Thursday 8th February service have seen about 200 students who have asked for advice and help. 5pm GMR Womens Rugby Does this mean that there are several thousand of you out there who are 30th January managing your money really well? 6.30pm, Union Notices

If managing your money is no problem to you, you must have dreamed up Stage Crew Friday 8th Decemberr some good money saving ideas. Monday11th February 2001The Union Cash Desk will be 6pm Helen Rose Barr open between PLEASE SHARE THEM WITH EVERYONE 11.00am - 1.00pm EGM’s e-mail us on [email protected] and we will arrange to publish the print- able ones! First Aid Course Golf Club Weekends of 3rd February Student Advice and Information Service, (SAIS) To elect a new commitee and Wey Flat 2, Surrey Court, Tuesday Jan 30th 10th February 2001.. 6pm, Main Union Cost approx. £30 Notice from Information Services Contact Jo (nm81jp) forr Hockey details Questionnaire: How can the University's computingweb. Tuesday 6th February facilities be improved? 6pm Varsity The Stag Hill Archers GM Everyone who completes the questionnaire may will take place Saturday University Computing Services is carrying out its firsthave their name entered into a prize draw worth £50 Chem Eng Soc 10th Febuary, 10.30am, TB major survey to find out how satisfied Undergraduateof gift vouchers. Wednesday 7th Feb 12B and Taught Postgraduate students are with current computing services and facilities and what should beSo, Undergraduates and Taught Postgraduates, 1pm 43BC02 done to improve them. Student focus groups havemake your views known to help shape University KENWOOD STEREO already identified some of the key issues and this isComputing Services planning and policy making and Sailing Club forfor salesale.. your opportunity to tell us your priorities. to improve computing facilities. Monday/Tuesday (week 4 Excellent condition carr tbctbc)) stereo (Kenwood KRC-- The questionnaire will be live on the web fromSue Telfer LTA Time TBC 151LA) featuring cassette Monday 22 January. Paper copies will also be avail-Service Quality Librarian player, FM/MW/LW radio able for those who might have difficulty accessing theInformation Services Meetings with 18 pre-sets, remov-- able front panel, "loud"" function,function, andand built-inbuilt-in 4 Ethical & Environmentall channel amp (20Wx4).. Monday 29th January Monday 29th January Nice looking. Works as 5pm GMR 5pm GMR new. Original instruction manual. £55 ono. Tel:: Student Council Student Council 52542.. Surrey Pride 25/01/01 23 UniSPORTUniSPORT NewNewss

Leap into the Millennium Yes ‘free’ week is over but there are still many opportunities for you to join in the exercise/dance and sports programme which compliments the 47 active sports and dance clubs at Surrey. Places available for:-

Tai Chi (Wednesday Evenings) Squash Beginners & Improvers (Wednesday Afternoon) Golf (Thursday Evening) Body Max (Monday evenings or Thursday Lunchtime) Dry Skiing (Monday Evenings)

Please register at the Sports Centre to secure a place on these 5 or 10 week courses.

Exercise & Dance Classes Drop in Free (UniSPORT Card) for any class from TKO (Total Knockout), Legs, Bums & Tums; Aerobics; Tone to the Bone; Circuit Workouts or simply Stretch!

Lunchtime Classes – 1pm MondayTone to the Bone TuesdayNordic Walking (meet at Senate) TuesdayTKO Wednesday Tone to the Bone Thursday Legs, Bums & Tums Thursday Body Max Friday Tone to the Bone

Community Sports Leadership Award Please contact ( HYPERLINK “mailto:[email protected]” [email protected] or ext. 3917) if you would like to participate in this 9 module course taking place on Wednesday evenings from the 7th February.

Intramural Sports Wednesday Lunchtimes and Wednesday & Sunday Evenings Contact your departmental Sports Rep to play Frisbee, pop lacrosse, racket ball, indoor cricket, netball, soccer, touch rugby and badminton. All starts from Monday 29th January

Fat Busters Want to lose some pounds after the Christmas Season? If so Fat Busters is for you! Wednesday 1-2pm at the Sports Centre. Students £5 for UniSPORT Card holders or £7.50 £10/£12.50 for staff.

Nutritionist offers advice in friendly session plus exercise that is low impact. See you soon. SportsSports PreviePrevieww

Cricket take the overall lead at the end ofwill wear my surfing gear to the Weather permitting, England arethe year. union the following week’. Their likely to beat Pakistan in the 2 test only test will be if they get the series. They will, though, no doubtFootball Grand Slam, with the ever improv- struggle to beat what has been ing Ireland their main threat. The With Man. Utd virtually havingBritish Lions against South Africa descirbed as the greatestwon their umpteenth Premiership Australian Test Team of all time. should be a fascinating affair with on the trot, the battle will be forboth teams playing great attacking Domestically, Surrey aresecond place. Arsenal are rightly favourites for every single competi- rugby. I fancy the Lions to snatch favourites but it would be stupid toiit 2-1. tion. However central contractscompletely discount a rejouvinated could cost them Stewart, Thorpe Domestically, Northampton will Liverpool. almost certainly win the league, and possibly Tudor and Ward. The At the other end, Bradford and depleated squad might give with Wasps the most likely runner- two from Coventry, Man. City, andup. Lancashire or Yorkshire a chance.Derby are likely to be for the drop. The year ends in a 1 so Spurs Cycling are among the favourites for theTennis David Millar should continue theFA Cup but Man Utd appear to beDespite very good showings British tradition started by Christaking it very seriosuly (havingover the last month, I would be Boardman of winning the Prologuealready booked a hotel for the finalshocked if either Tim Henman or of The Tour de France and holdingweek) and will be the team to beat.Greg Rudeski win Wimbledon (or onto yellow for a few days. The On the internationals front,any other major for that matter) only real danger will come fromwhether England qualify will a lotover the next 12 months. That Lance Armstrong who will winon whether the new manager willsaid, if they are both fit, GB have overall again, through a combina-go with the old guard or the ‘kids’.a great chance of getting back tion of nearly unbeatable time trial-Either way though, they face ainto the top flight of the Davis ing, intelligent pack placement andtough test to qualify for the EuroCup. Although, it should be inter- completely devistating climbing.Champs esting as to whether it is Rudeski The question will be, by how much or Arvind Parmar that line up with will he win and will he get the Giro Henamn in the doubles, given the as well. Rugby Union latest spat between the two Track honours should be sharedHere is a statement, ‘I, Dave ‘greats’. amoungst the British, Germans‘Chops’ Chapman, do herby and French. with Germany likely todeclare that if England do not winby Chops and Lovebite the six-nations championship, I SURRESURREYYPRIDPRIDEE

SKICLUBTOUR- INAWORD...SPORTSPROFILE:

LARGE Function: adjective ARCHERY Inflected Form(s): larg·er; larg·est Etymology: Middle English, from Latin largus Warm up… Date: 12th century Meaning: Exceeding most other things of like kind especially in Name & age: Nadia Khan, 20+ quantity or size. Example: The 127 people, 3 coaches, £44,715 UniS Ski Club Tour Nickname: Schnarff to Alpe d’Huez. The White Stuff Best feature: My draw-length With the greatest number of beginners ever on the tour the wide open green (read easy) runs were a welcome sight. However, those What you look for in a man or women: Dependability of us who ventured up to the top of the mountain, some 3200m in the clouds, were greeted with a different sight. Perhaps abseiling Availability: Spoken for ropes would have aided progress on ‘The Tunnel’? Did you do any of it on your skis Matt? Thursdays Valley Rally saw skiing, snowboarding, blading, mono- 110%… skiing and even 3 legged skiing all both forwards and backwards. Competitors started the rally in 70’s and Hawian attire. But many Favourite position (this question applies to relevent sports only – no innuendo intended honestly): Open stance I don’t wanna Rock DJ. We are unable to show the end of the pic- Best thing about your sport: It can be taken up at any age ture.... Worst thing about your sport: (Deputy Editors) Shattering expensive arrows. soon realised how bad they looked and decided nudity was a better option. Are Best single moment in your sporting life: Breaking my personal best you sure it was just the cold Wacker? The while suffering from the flu. less said about the eggs at the last check- point the better. Ultimate sporting dream: To see the Stag Hill Archers win the BUSA Nationals Apres Ski For most, ‘large’ would be better used to Worst injury: Bruised arm when I forgot to put my bracer on! describe the evenings entertainment. Sporting idol: Steve Redgrave. Some of the skiing masses! Most embarassing sporting moment: Dropping an exit barrier onto O’Sharkies, Crowded House, Underground, Roadhouse and the someone elses bow-stand… Oooops!! pick of the bunch: Smithy’s. Indeed I would rate Smithy’s 10 shots of flavoured Vodka for 100Fr with the invention of the lightbulb. Ah Tip: Always aim at the target. yes, fond memories. Or not as the case may be, hey Silver? Bars were invariably followed by Alpe d’Huez’s answer to Cindy’s; Hidden aspects to your sport: Improves ones night-vision, as you may Igloo. Igloo was invariably followed Le Kebab. Still confused by the very well be looking for arrows that have missed the target as the sun real lamb meat Bungle? Now who’s up for a spot of ice skating? goes down. Tedddddyyyyyy…. Sound interesting? This Easter the Ski Club will be joining 2,500+ students from across Britain in Saalbach, Austria. Call Dave on 0795 107 4570 ASAP if you’d like to join us. Cool down… Finally a special THANK YOU to Rebecca Jackson for making the tour possible. Worst fear: Shooting myself in the foot.

Tigger Chancellors or Roots: Roots Proof that alcohol only makes you Nb. The “dead sexy” caption is not mine - Chops (Sports Ed) think “you’re dead sexy.” You in three words: Sincere, dedicated, stubborn

MOUNTAINWALKING- BACKFORMORE On Saturday a hardy bunch of Mountain Walking Club mem-(Lake District trip Jan 2000) It was nice to see a new bers met up early in the morning to walk off some of themember, Tobi, joining us on such a cold morning. If any- excess Christmas pounds. Due to some technical difficul-one else is interested, our meetings are on Tuesday ties, the walk that was originally planned could not takelunchtime, 1pm in the Teaching Block foyer. Next week- place, however an alternate route through Guildford,end we are going down to Dorset to sample the country- Artington and Peasmarsh proved successful. A new nick-side and coastline. If you wish to join us please contact name was developed for Evan, "The Ice-Man" despite hisMaddie or Mike at [email protected]. protests, due to his predilection for 'testing out' the ice on most of the frozen puddles and ponds we came across.MM However, he has yet to beat Mike's feat of actually falling in whilst testing the ice!

SPORTINGVERNACULAR

The first of a possible two reports on the Ski Club Tour that took place in the last week of the holidays. Wisking 127 people off to Alpe d’Huez takes quite some doing so thumbs up to all involved. I will die a happy man if I can manage to get the Surf Clubs “Tropical Surf Trips” to be any where near as popular. Its also good to have received another couple of Sports Profiles. Thanks to Archery this week, its great to be able to feature a new club (unless we get any new clubs we will be repeat- ing sports). If possible, include a photo or pop into the office where we can get one done. Keep them coming folks. Remeber if you can get a couple together from the same club we will run thm together and anounce the winner of the coveted Sports Showdown title.

Chops Almost forgot, the cricket club have started up again, nets are on Sundays 5:30pm till 7:30pm in Unisport. Contact Mike (ma91mp) or Ben Mac for more details.