By Flip Kobler and Finn Kobler

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For preview only LIFE IS LIKE A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER COSTUMES Characters wear modern attire appropriate for their situation, whether By Flip Kobler and Finn Kobler a formal night out or a casual dinner with the family. Some specific CAST OF CHARACTERS needs are as follows: # of lines EVAN, JACKSON, and DALE wear mortar boards and graduation robes The Tomato in “Salad Days, Part One.” In Part Three, they wear tuxedos. The trio, DAD ...... considers the cheeseburger a 38 as well as CARLA, should appear to have aged some through the metaphor for major life changes progression of scenes. MOM ...... pragmatic but humorous 18 THOUGHTS in “Food for Thought” all wear T-shirts that clearly label FRANKLIN ...... begrudging son; doesn’t want 33 which thought they represent. CONSULTANT wears a business suit. to move URSULA in “No Reservations” wears jewel-studded earrings. LILLY ...... unfazed younger daughter; 12 just wants a trampoline FLEXIBLE CASTING and CAST SIZE Several characters can be played by either male or female actors, Restaurant Lingo including COOK in “Restaurant Lingo,” all THOUGHTS in “Food for WAITRESS ...... deciphers the diners’ dialect 29 Thought,” SERVER in “A More Perfect Union,” HOST and WAITPERSON in “No Reservations,” and RIVER in “Decision Day.” HUSBAND ...... lost in translation 24 WIFE ...... understands all too well 16 With extensive doubling, this show can be done with as few as fourteen actors (seven males, seven females), or as many as fifty-one if all COOK ...... likes to keep the job interesting 7 speaking parts are played individually. Extras diners can be added as DAUGHTER ...... appalled by how thoughtless 8 desired to any scene. boys can be SON ...... hungry for pancakes 3

Salad Days, Part One EVAN ...... carefree new high school grad; 14 celebrates life with cheeseburgers JACKSON ...... another 10 DALE ...... another, but more ambitious and 9 prudent than his friends CARLA ...... waitress in her mid-twenties with 3 her own story

The Girl Filter CLARK ...... hears what he wants to hear 13 AMY ...... reads too much into things 10 HOSTESS ...... warns about the acoustics 5

ii 45 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON Life The Tomato STEVE ...... eager to take a bite out of Life 24 Tray with four burgers and three fries (DAD) JANET ...... Steve’s wife 30 Restaurant Lingo KAREN ...... offers serving suggestions 25 Pen, pad (WAITRESS) Salad Days Part One Salad Days, Part Two Menus (HUSBAND, WIFE, DAUGHTER, SON) EVAN* ...... relieved to be a college grad; still 11 Pen, pad, drink glasses (CARLA) celebrates life with cheeseburgers The Girl Filter JACKSON* ...... another 7 Phone (CLARK) DALE* ...... ready to start his first career job 9 Life CARLA* ...... knows all her regulars 3 Large menus with “Life” written prominently on the front (KAREN) Food for Thought Food for Thought Phones (VICTOR, FIONA) FIONA ...... moving up in the world 7 Briefcase (CONSULTANT) VICTOR ...... has a lot to think about 25 A More Perfect Union EMOTIONAL ...... heartfelt 7 Pen, pad (SERVER) INQUISITIVE ...... asks a lot of questions 5 Phones (BOY, GIRL) CRITICAL ...... cynical and exacting 7 No Reservations CREATIVE ...... offers inventive perspective 3 Two glasses of water (WAITPERSON) Two menus (HOST) CONCRETE...... interested in just the facts 9 Bag, weapon (ROBBER) FORE ...... thinks in the future 7 Wallets, jewelry, phones, watches (DINERS) TRIVIAL ...... full of immaterial information 4 Salad Days Part Three CONSULTANT ...... rep for the Devil’s Advocates 2 Pen, pad (CARLA) Memory Lane A More Perfect Union Tray with burger, fries and drink, phone, envelope full of documents, SERVER ...... prepared to take an order 17 pen (FRANKLIN) GIRL ...... waiting in vain for a blind date 41 Decision Day BOY ...... another 36 Phone (RIVER) COUPLE ...... waiting for a table n/a Sandwich on a plate (RESTAURANT OWNER) Salad Days Part Four No Reservations Pen, pad (CARLA) HOST ...... gatekeeper of the reservations 7 WAITPERSON ...... overworked but underqualified 15 to handle hold-ups AMBROSE ...... an imposter eager to eat 34 FELICITY ...... another 32 ROBBER ...... stopping by for a quick burglary 21

44 iii RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only URSULA ...... Korpelistanese ambassador 9 PRODUCTION NOTES and hostage DINERS ...... caught up in the chaos n/a PROPERTIES ONSTAGE The Tomato Salad Days, Part Three Table, four chairs, four fast food soft drink cups. EVAN* ...... 33 years old and getting married 9 Restaurant Lingo JACKSON* ...... the best man 8 Table, four chairs, four menus. DALE* ...... already married; more mature 13 Salad Days, Part One Table, three chairs, three menus. CARLA* ...... things don’t change with her 3 except that she’s now 40 years old The Girl Filter Memory Lane Table, tablecloth, two chairs. FRANKLIN* ...... son from “The Tomato”; 34 Life now in his 40s Table, tablecloth, two chairs. DAD* ...... also from “The Tomato”; now 75 40 Salad Days, Part Two Table, three chairs, two half-full glasses of Coke, glass of water, two empty plates, plate of half-eaten salad, silverware. The Price You Pay DELANEY ...... seeks to be popular at any cost 13 Food for Thought Table, tablecloth, two chairs, plate with a barely eaten piece of JAMIE ...... backstabbing but beguiling 4 chocolate cake, two forks, two cloth napkins. LORNA...... another 6 A More Perfect Union VIOLET ...... another 4 Two tables, four chairs, four water glasses, four napkins. BRIAN ...... likes Delaney for who she really is 2 No Reservations At least five tables, tablecloths, ten or more chairs. Decision Day Salad Days, Part Three OWNER ...... a motherly voice of reason 19 Table, three chairs, two half-full glasses of Coke, glass of water. RIVER ...... nervously awaiting news 19 Memory Lane WOMAN ...... wants what River’s having 1 Table, two chairs. The Price You Pay Salad Days, Part Four Table, four or more chairs. EVAN* ...... five years older and much wiser 11 Decision Day than in the past Two tables, two chairs, two drink glasses, menu. DALE* ...... successful in all aspects of 12 Salad Days, Part Four his life Table, three chairs, one glass of Coke, one glass of water. CARLA* ...... her life doesn’t change 1 Life Is Like a Double Cheeseburger Table, two chairs. Why I Work at a Diner CARLA* ...... from “Salad Days” 1

iv 43 For preview only 1 LIZ: (Shocked and confused.) Yes. Sure. Life Is Like a Double Cheeseburger MAMA: Good. He’s totally harmless. He just wanders off sometimes. VOICE ...... speed-dating emcee 2 LIZ: Is he okay? I mean, is he…? (Twirls a finger around her ear.) LIZ ...... seeks a different kind of love 38 MAMA: He just sees things a little different. Don’t you, Donald? DONALD ...... decidedly different 38 5 DONALD: Yeah. MAMA ...... Donald’s mother 4 MAMA: Come on, Donald. Let’s get you home. MATTHEW ...... new to the speed-dating scene 1 DONALD: (As he EXITS with MOTHER.) Like life! (They’re OUT. LIZ sits in shock a moment.) *Characters who have appeared in previous scenes VOICE: Time! 10 MATTHEW: (ENTERS and approaches LIZ’S table. Sits.) Hi, I’m Matthew. I’m new to this whole speed-dating thing. SETTING LIZ: (Turns to MATTHEW slowly, a huge grin on her face. Sticks out a TIME: Present day. hand.) Hello, Matthew, I’m Liz. Did you ever notice that life is like PLACE: Various restaurant settings, such as a fast-food joint, a diner, a double cheeseburger? (BLACKOUT.) a café, and a fancier establishment. END OF PLAY SET DESCRIPTION The stage is bare other than tables and chairs, which are dressed up or down to match the location of each scene.

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For preview only 1 right? It’s never as pretty as it looks in the commercials, but no LIFE IS LIKE A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER matter how messy it is, you still need to dive into it, take a big bite, and relish it for what it is. Is that what you’re going to tell “The Tomato” me, Donald? 1 5 DONALD: Uh, no. LIGHTS UP on a fast-food joint. MOM is sitting at the table with her son, FRANKLIN, and daughter, LILLY, sipping on drinks. That’s when LIZ: No? DAD arrives with a tray loaded with burgers and fries. DONALD: No. DAD: Okay, here we go. (Passes them out.) Double cheeseburger for LIZ: No. Huh. Okay, Donald, then tell me why life is like a 5 me. Cheeseburger for you, cheeseburger for you, cheeseburger for double cheeseburger. you. And fries, fries, fries. 10 DONALD: (Shrugs.) I like double cheeseburgers. LILLY: You didn’t get any fries, Daddy. LIZ: (Beat.) That’s it? You like double cheeseburgers? DAD: I don’t like fries. DONALD: Yeah. They’re real good. FRANKLIN: You always eat mine. LIZ: You like double cheeseburgers. 10 DAD: (Playfully dramatic.) That’s a lie. You should stop lying. Your DONALD: Yeah. parents should’ve taught you better than that. 15 LIZ: That’s it? That’s the big metaphor? That’s the wisdom of the ages? MOM: (Clucks her tongue disapprovingly.) We have failed as parents. That’s your mark on this world? That you like cheeseburgers? DAD: So I suppose you’re all wondering why we called you here today. DONALD: Double cheeseburgers. LILLY: Are we getting a puppy? LIZ: Double cheeseburgers. Right. (Rises to leave.) You know, you look 15 MOM: Ah, no. like a sane guy— LILLY: A swimming pool? 20 DONALD: Don’t you like life? (LIZ stops, hesitates for a moment, then MOM: Ah, no. slides back into the chair.) LILLY: A trampoline? LIZ: No, Donald, not really. MOM: (To DAD.) Maybe you better just tell them before she gets really DONALD: How come? 20 bummed out. LIZ: It isn’t turning out the way I thought. DAD: Okay, gang, here’s the deal. I have been offered a new job. 25 DONALD: How come? You went to college. Didn’t you like that? Which is a big promotion for me, and it means more money. LIZ: I did. I really did. I was in a sorority. Cheerleader one semester. LILLY: So… trampoline? I had fun. MOM: Stick a pin in that. We’ll get back to you. DONALD: Sounds perfect. 25 DAD: But it does mean that… (Braces himself.) …we have to move. LIZ: Well, no. It was a lot of work. A lot of pressure—keeping up the FRANKLIN: What?! 30 grades, cramming for mid-terms, trying to get financial aid. DAD: We have to move. It’s in New York. DONALD: So you hated it? LILLY: Yay! LIZ: No! I mean, it had its problems. But for the most part I liked it. I loved it. I made a lot of friends. FRANKLIN: No, I don’t want to move. DONALD: And some got married. 30 DAD: I know this is going to be tough— 35 LIZ: Yeah. FRANKLIN: I’m not moving! That’s not fair. DONALD: That’s nice. You must be really happy for them. DAD: I know. LIZ: Must I? I guess, maybe. Sure I am. But also a little jealous, FRANKLIN: You don’t know! Why are you doing this? maybe? Or envious, I guess. Huh. Which is the less ugly one— DAD: I have to. jealousy or envy? 35 FRANKLIN: You don’t have to. You’re just doing this to be mean.

40 1 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 DAD: Yes, I have to be mean. That’s my job description as Dad. I 1 Mr. Right or Prince Charming or whoever aren’t into insurance thought this would meet my quota for the year, all my meanness actuaries, apparently. Maybe it’s cubicles—I don’t know. Or maybe all at once. it’s me. Probably me. But my parents told me, “Liz, you need to FRANKLIN: It’s not a joke. You’re telling me I have to leave all my try something different.” So… here I am looking for Mr. Charming 5 friends and be the pathetic “new kid” at some other stupid school? 5 in ten-minute blocks. (Realizes she’s rambling and pauses.) Sorry. I’m not going. I’m venting or rambling or something-ing. I don’t know. What about MOM: Well, that’s not really up to you to decide. you? Tell me about you. FRANKLIN: I don’t get a vote? DONALD: Hello. My name is Donald. Donald Butler. MOM: Not in this. LIZ: Hi, Donald. 10 DONALD: I sure do like cheeseburgers. 10 FRANKLIN: How is that fair? MOM: It’s not. But when you become an adult, you can make all the LIZ: (Wary.) Ooh… kay. choices for your life that you want. That’s the cool thing. You have DONALD: Mama always said, “Life is like a double cheeseburger.” your whole life ahead of you to do what you want. LIZ: Mama? You live with Mama? DAD: But this is my life, and I have to do what’s best for my family. DONALD: Yes, ma’am. I have my own room at the top of the stairs. 15 FRANKLIN: You mean what’s best for you. 15 LIZ: Okay, well… it was really nice to meet you, Donald. (Rises to DAD: Yes. And at this time, in this place, what’s best for me and and leave.) Thanks for the time. I think I’m done here. I gave speed- what’s best for my family happen to be the same thing. I hope you dating the ol’ college try. can understand. DONALD: I still have seven minutes. FRANKLIN: You can’t make me move. I’ll just run away. LIZ: What? 20 MOM: Well, we’ll miss you deeply. 20 DONALD: Seven minutes. Ten-minute blocks. I still have seven minutes. DAD: We’ll send postcards. LIZ: (Looks around for an escape, but can’t find a graceful one, so she LILLY: And pictures of my new trampoline. sits, defensive.) So… What? What happens now? FRANKLIN: I hate this. I hate all of this. It’s not fair. You are just a big, DONALD: Don’t you like double cheeseburgers? old, stupid, mean, stinky, jerk-butt! LIZ: Sure, yeah, while I’m eating them. They’re great. Then about 25 DAD: (Hard.) Hey now! We don’t use that kind of language. We do not 25 twenty minutes later I feel like crap. And I’m sure I’m not doing my say “old.” (MOM and LILLY laugh. FRANKLIN does not.) arteries any favors. Ultimately, they make me feel fat, guilty, and FRANKLIN: That’s not funny. weak. So, yeah, Donald, maybe life is like a double cheeseburger. LILLY: Is too. DONALD: (Smiles gently.) That’s not what I mean. MOM: It’s a little bit funny. LIZ: Oh, no? You’ve probably got some simple, sage wisdom, right? 30 Some complex metaphor about life and cheeseburgers? All right, 30 FRANKLIN: No, it’s no amount of funny. Zero funniness, so quit it! Donald, in six minutes or less, tell me why life is like a double DAD: You’re right, son. You’re upset. I know this won’t be funny to you cheeseburger. (DONALD opens his mouth to speak, but LIZ right now. steamrolls him.) And don’t give me some metaphysical baloney. FRANKLIN: It’ll never be funny. You know, like, your parents are the buns, creating your life and MOM: You’re right. We know you well enough to know that this will 35 giving it structure. But then you need real substance, which is 35 never be funny. the meat. Although it might get charred and singed, the heat and FRANKLIN: You don’t know that. You don’t know everything. You pressure is what makes it so wonderful. Something like that? Oh, don’t know me. It could be funny. I’ll show you it could be funny. and then family and friends are the cheese that make it taste so Say it again. much better. Sometimes the cheese is drippy and clingy, but you 40 wouldn’t want to be without it. And if life is dull, then spice it up DAD: Come on, now— with pickles and onions, which are really just risks and adventures,

2 39 For preview only 1 pepper, but a healthy harvest of seasoning-free locks. Like, not 1 FRANKLIN: Say it again. even garlic. I’m serious. And I love the Sunday morning crowd. I DAD: We don’t say “old.” love my ten-year-old apron. I love how a banana cream pie may not FRANKLIN: (Laughs way too hard just to prove DAD wrong.) heal a broken heart, but it can dry a few tears. And if you don’t Hahahahahahaha! That’s funny! That’s so funny! Hahahahaha! 5 agree, you haven’t eaten enough banana cream pie. 5 (OTHERS just look at each other.) MOM: I’m not sure what argument you’re trying to make here. Here, I’m healthy. Health to me is being part of countless prom nights, FRANKLIN: (Laughter morphs into tears.) I don’t want to move. promotions, birthdays, graduations, and even deaths. Let the DAD: (Changes tactics, soft and sincere.) I know, kiddo. horizon beckon. The fulfilled soreness of my feet after a day’s work cantillates right back. The wattage of my smile has enough FRANKLIN: All my friends are here. My school is here. Soccer is here. 10 electricity to power a dozen trans-Atlantic airplanes. Granted, I 10 Everything I am is right here. If we move, then I’m just a big nobody. think they use fossil fuels, but you get the point. People who travel DAD: That’s just not true. everywhere are wanderers, still trying to figure out what they want. FRANKLIN: Yes, it is. Me? I’m already here. (BLACKOUT.) DAD: No, see, life is like a double cheeseburger. “Life Is Like a Double Cheeseburger” FRANKLIN: What? 15 MOM: Really? LIGHTS UP on a trendy restaurant. DONALD sits at a table with two DAD: Stay with me on this. (Gestures to his burger.) Life is like this 15 chairs. He’s a simple guy in an ill-fitting suit—the kind of guy who might double cheeseburger. And you are the pickle. be seen sitting on a bus bench with a box of chocolates. LIZ stands in FRANKLIN: I don’t want to be the pickle. front of the table waiting. LILLY: Can I be the pickle? VOICE: And time starts… now! 20 MOM: Can you make a sour face? (LILLY does.) Boom, pickle. LIZ: (Takes a seat with DONALD. Over-amped, nervous, and guarded, 20 she’s dammed up her emotions and they finally spill out.) Hi. I’m DAD: (To FRANKLIN.) Okay, you’re the meat, then. Liz. Kind of new to this whole speed-dating thing. Feels a little FRANKLIN: I don’t want to be the meat. unnatural. I mean, how much can you learn about a person in DAD: Then the tomato. ten minutes? Right? What does that give us, five minutes each FRANKLIN: I don’t want to— to tell our life story? The website says “ten minutes will change 25 DAD: For now, you’re the tomato! Just be the tomato. 25 your life.” I seriously doubt it! But you’ve got to be in it to win it, right? So… should I start? Tell you about me and then you tell me FRANKLIN: Fine, I’m a tomato. about you and then we meet in the middle somewhere and talk LILLY: I’m the pickle. (Makes another sour face.) about our favorite movies and books and feel a little better about DAD: (To FRANKLIN.) And your home is here in this cheeseburger. You ourselves until we both go home alone? Hey, I think I’m starting make this burger so much better by being a part of it. The whole 30 to understand how this works! (DONALD just smiles benignly.) 30 thing is better because you’re here. But if we move the tomato… Okay. My name is Liz. I live uptown at— Ha! On second thought, (Takes the tomato out of the burger and holds it up, moving it around I’m not going to tell you exactly where I live in case you’re an the table like a game piece.) …you may not be home anymore, but escaped mental patient or something. Let’s see… I’m an actuary you’re still a tomato. And you’ll find a new home. for an insurance company. Actuary! That’s a ten-dollar name for a FRANKLIN: Won’t be the same. 35 two-bit job. I’m an accountant. Since college. (Groans.) Yes, I sit 35 DAD: No, it won’t. Maybe it’s another burger, or maybe you’re part of in a cubicle all day and crunch numbers under fluorescent light. a salad. Completely different home, but you’re still a major part of It’s a good job, I guess. It’s just not what I dreamed I’d be doing it. You fit in. You belong. when I left Dartmouth five years ago. I’m twenty-seven. Twenty- seven—geez! I’ve been a bridesmaid four times this year. Four. FRANKLIN: Not everybody like tomatoes in their salad. 40 ’Cause all my friends seem to be getting married. But not me. DAD: Of course not. Not everybody likes cheese or raisins or anchovies.

38 3 For preview only 1 LILLY: Yuck! “Why I Work at a Diner” DAD: But a lot of people do. And if the salad doesn’t work, maybe you’ll meet a nice Italian girl and become part of a spaghetti 1 LIGHTS UP on the same diner. EVAN and DALE are gone, but CARLA sauce. Or maybe in high school you join a salsa and become the remains. She leans against the table, takes off a shoe, and rubs her 5 life of the fiesta. tired foot. MOM: In college, you’ll probably be part of a few bloody Marys. CARLA: (To AUDIENCE.) Why do I work at a diner? I know everyone, and it’s close to home. Boom! Easiest answer I’ve ever given. DAD: (Gives MOM a look.) Really? Now? 5 (Smiles.) I got hired here in high school. “Go Tritons!” And it helped MOM: They grow up fast. Just sayin’. put me through college. You wouldn’t expect kitchen grease and DAD: What I’m saying is that you will always be you. Wherever you go. leather booths to clear up acne or student loans, but hey, you’d 10 And you will always find a way to fit in. be surprised. FRANKLIN: I still hate this. MOM: We know, son. You’re allowed to for a while. 10 After I graduated college, my friends encouraged me to travel more, FRANKLIN: I still don’t want to be a tomato. go places. But the bug never really bit me. My dad was a DAD: You’re not a tomato. You are my sunshine. (Reaches over and photojournalist. He went everywhere, but the sights and culture of 15 steals a fry.) fifty-two different countries didn’t seem to stop him from cheating FRANKLIN: Hey, those are my fries. on my mom. Or my stepmom. Or my second stepmom. He was 15 a nomad, constantly moving. That’s one of the things about DAD: Tomatoes can’t talk. movement, though—it gives me motion sickness. My dad was just FRANKLIN: I’m not a tomato. I’m sunshine. the opposite. He walked a few righteous paths, but that’s when he DAD: Sunshine doesn’t talk either. It just beams happily, radiating joy. got queasy and left unsatisfied. 20 (Steals a few more fries.) LILLY: (Sings.) You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. Life’s a journey, that’s what they say. Whoever “they” are, that mysterious LILLY/MOM: (Sing.) You make me happy. When skies are gray. (DAD 20 “they” who seem to know everything and judge everyone. Like a snags a few more fries from the others.) middle-aged waitress scavenging tips in a diner at the bottom of LILLY/MOM/DAD: (Sing.) You’ll never know— an off-ramp in a small, New England town. Do “they” know that 25 DAD: Tomato— half our business is travelers whose lives dance with mine in a forty-five-minute waltz? I hear their tales of great adventures LILLY/MOM/DAD: (Sing.) How much I love you… 25 beyond the horizon. Stories of exotic lands and opportunities that ALL: (Sing.) Please don’t take my— don’t involve grease and mops and fluorescent lights. And while DAD: Tomato. those sirens may call, they do not convince. A forty-five minute FRANKLIN: Sunshine. dance leads to… well… motion sickness. And let me just say, my 30 ALL: (Sing.) Away… (DAD snags more fries, and they sit contentedly as husband and I have been together twenty-two years, nausea-free. the LIGHTS slowly FADE to BLACK.) 30 I can’t say this place is entirely responsible for that, but the other half “Restaurant Lingo” of my clientele is locals whose lives sing with mine in a never- ending symphony. Who wants to let their shoes do the talking LIGHTS UP on a family restaurant. HUSBAND, WIFE, DAUGHTER, when you’ve got voices like theirs? I know these people’s voices and SON sit at a table, CENTER, holding menus. A COOK is working by heart—their names, their stories, and their “usuals.” Phil’s got UPSTAGE, barely visible. WAITRESS approaches, carrying a pen 35 a rasp and always asks for his steak rare. They’d moo if he had 35 and pad. his way. I love the way Carl looks at his wife from across the booth, WAITRESS: Hi, is everyone ready to order? even though his eyesight has been shabby these past few years or, well, decades. I remember when his hair was neither salt nor

4 37 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 EVAN: His diet was a problem, Dale. You don’t have to pretend for 1 HUSBAND: Yes, I’ll have Harry’s Breakfast Combination. Blueberry me. I know we both ate like crap. Diet, obesity, inactivity were all syrup with the French toast, no honey in the Greek yogurt, and factors. There’s no guarantee, but I’m not in denial anymore. I can eggs over easy. infer. (DALE doesn’t quite know what to say,) Sophie keeps trying WAITRESS: (Scribbles quickly on pad.) Gotcha. (Calls to COOK.) I need 5 to get me to cut certain foods, but I just can’t. Loss and discipline 5 three orthopedists from Belarus parasailing over the Rockies don’t exactly mesh together well. How do you do it? carrying a rusty kitchen sink! DALE: Do what? COOK: Coming up! EVAN: Eat salads. Pass up parties in college to study. Get a great job. WAITRESS: (To SON.) And for you, big guy? Jump into life immediately and unafraid… I always said I would fix HUSBAND: Um, pardon. I actually think you misheard me. All I wanted my life later. Now look where I am and where you are. And Jackson, 10 10 was the breakfast combo—no honey, blueberry, over easy. God rest his soul, look where he is. No fixing that. WAITRESS: I heard you just fine. Although the plain Greek yogurt can DALE: Come on, where you are is something to be proud of. You’re be a little bland, and it is morning happy hour, so you can add management now. gluten-free granola for no extra cost. Would you like to? EVAN: I know, but it’s not where I wanted to be by now. It’s still construction. HUSBAND: Um… yeah, actually. That sounds nice. 15 DALE: It’s a respectable career field. 15 WAITRESS: (Makes note on pad and calls to COOK.) Make sure one of EVAN: But look at you climbing the corporate ladder, and when it them has a handlebar mustache! comes to your health, you’re already at the top. I’m at, like, the COOK: One step ahead of you! You said Slovenia? second rung. To be honest, I just don’t know how to move up. WAITRESS: No, Belarus! DALE: One step at a time. COOK: Belarus, coming at you! 20 EVAN: Ha-ha. Okay. 20 WAITRESS: (To FAMILY.) Sorry about that. The cooks here want their DALE: I’m serious. If you try and move more than one step, you’ll fall egg instructions very specific. Anyways— and hurt yourself. Then, you’re never likely to climb again. You’ve HUSBAND: Wait a second… what? got to move one rung at a time. Cut out red meat and get to rung three, exercise more at rung four, look at new houses in bigger WAITRESS: Did you need to change your order, sir? 25 cities—rung five. If you climb every day, you’ll get to a point where HUSBAND: No. It’s just… how did the cook get “eggs over easy” from it becomes easier to climb upward than downward. 25 what you said? EVAN: (Beat.) But why does climbing upward feel so hard? WAITRESS: Oh, that? It’s just restaurant lingo. DALE: Because you’ve got to do it every day. Do it every day and it’ll WIFE: Restaurant lingo? get easier. (EVAN stares at him, hopeful.) I promise, it gets easier if WAITRESS: Yeah. Like nicknames for our orders. Forty hours a week on 30 you do it every day. (EVAN considers this as CARLA ENTERS.) your feet shouting complex requests like this can get exhausting, CARLA: (Taking out her pen and pad.) Hey, boys. What can I get 30 so sometimes we like to shrink them down. For example, whole- you gentlemen? wheat Belgian waffles with hazelnut spread and a strawberry DALE: Just a salad for me, please. passionfruit smoothie can be a mouthful so instead we say— EVAN: (To CARLA.) Um… me, too. (CARLA shoots him a look, jots it COOK: (Calls out.) Two centaurs in a stretch limo! 35 down, and EXITS.) WAITRESS: Exactly. DALE: (To EVAN.) To life? 35 WIFE: Oh. That makes sense. EVAN: To life. (They clink glasses in a toast. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) HUSBAND: Why don’t you just number them? WAITRESS: That’s for cheap fast food franchises. We’re a cut above. (To SON.) All right, what can I get you? SON: Two pancakes with syrup, please.

36 5 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 WAITRESS: (Makes quick note of this on pad.) All yours, champ! (To 1 OWNER: Why? COOK.) I need three bronze trophies sinking into the Caspian Sea RIVER: I liked the people I met. It was in an area I loved. I felt… at four p.m. on an autumn afternoon. (To MOM.) What about you? at home. What can I— OWNER: Then it’s settled. You’re rooting for Georgetown. We’re rooting 5 HUSBAND: Okay, but wait. 5 for Georgetown. That’s the one. WAITRESS: What is it, sir? RIVER: But what if I don’t get in? HUSBAND: You said this lingo made things easier. OWNER: Then you don’t get in. You said you have fallbacks. What do WAITRESS: Right. you have to lose? HUSBAND: How did what you just said shorten his order? He asked RIVER: Well, now my dream of Georgetown. (Beat.) This was a lot 10 for pancakes with syrup, not the answer to the square root of pi. 10 easier when I didn’t know what I wanted. COOK: (Calls to WAITRESS.) Did that guy just say he wanted turkey OWNER: When you didn’t know what you wanted, you were stressed bacon, too? about everything. Now you only have to worry about one. You know WAITRESS: (Calls back.) No! He was being facetious. (To HUSBAND.) what you want, not what others want for you. And trust me, I’m no Look, I don’t write the jargon. It’s existed here for years. It’s just Yale grad, not even a college grad. But I do know that doing things 15 easier to say for us. 15 just because other people want you to is not worth it. So… good HUSBAND: Right, but you’re actually making these orders longer and luck. (Crosses to take WOMAN’S order. RIVER takes a bite of her more complex than they need— sandwich and refreshes her phone again.) COOK: Is that guy ordering breakfast or asking for stock shares? RIVER: (To herself.) Georgetown is up. (Reads.) I… got in? I got in?! Come on! Oh my gosh, I got in! I got in! I’m worth it! I’m worth it! I’m worth it! 20 All my worries are gone! This is the greatest day of my life! (Stands 20 WIFE: Sweetie, it’s not worth the fight. on the table, shouting in glee, spitting out crumbs of the bite she HUSBAND: Fine. still hasn’t swallowed.) Everything is perfect! What a glorious time! WIFE: I’ll have the yogurt parfait with a decaf latte. This! Is! Pure! Ecstasy! WAITRESS: (Jots this down and calls to COOK.) A porcelain-crusted WOMAN: (Beat. To OWNER.) I’ll have what she’s having. (BLACKOUT.) mirror has just shattered and there’s shards in your leg. It hasn’t 25 hit the femoral vein, but it’s going to require major surgery. The “Salad Days” doctor used to play running back for Boise State back when it was still Division Two, and he likes the Raiders. Part Four

COOK: Do I have insurance? 25 LIGHTS UP on the “Salad Days” diner. EVAN and DALE, now five years WAITRESS: (To WIFE.) Cream? older, somberly sit in their seats. Jackson’s chair sits empty. EVAN has 30 WIFE: No, thank you. a glass of Coke, DALE water. WAITRESS: (Back to COOK.) Out of pocket! (To DAUGHTER.) And DALE: It’s been a year. for you? EVAN: I know. And this entire year I’ve hoped pancreatic cancer would HUSBAND: That… that… (Counts in his head.) …that was fifty-six more 30 get pancreatic cancer and die. syllables than her order! Why did you need fifty-six more syllables? DALE: Yeah. 35 WAITRESS: You counted? EVAN: I mean, thirty-seven?! What kind of cruel disease takes a man HUSBAND: I did. (WAITRESS snickers.) What’s so funny? at thirty-seven when he’s just getting started in life? John Elway WAITRESS: I don’t know. It just seems like a waste of time. didn’t win his first Super Bowl until he was thirty-seven! HUSBAND: You’re one to talk! 35 DALE: (Laughs sympathetically, then.) He loved coming here. WIFE: Honey, calm down. EVAN: I know. That might have been part of the problem. 40 HUSBAND: I will not calm down! This is ridiculous and inconvenient! DALE: We don’t know that for sure.

6 35 For preview only 1 RIVER: How to discover the potential energy for chemical reactions 1 WAITRESS: (To WIFE.) Is he like this at home? responsible for so many things in the past century, from chemistry WIFE: More than a mouse with a dairy-free egg muffin breakfast sandwich. to technology to this country’s major victory in World War II. HUSBAND: Wait… I’m what? OWNER: Besides that? WAITRESS: Same here with my guy. They never listen! They keep 5 RIVER: How to revolutionize the American law circuit, providing— 5 hanging yarn on the monkeys when all we really want— OWNER: Never mind. Did you even want to go to Yale? WAITRESS/WIFE: Is for them to water the fichus and make sure the RIVER: My dad wanted me to. He said I’d be a great lawyer. My Tibetan singing bowl doesn’t crack! mom somewhat disagreed, saying I’d be better in business… WIFE: Exactly! but then again, who goes to Yale for business? That’s a Harvard HUSBAND: I’m so confused. 10 thing—or UPenn. 10 WIFE: (Angry.) Of course you are. OWNER: Do you agree with your mom? WAITRESS: That’s what they all say! RIVER: I mean, I guess I could learn to love business. HUSBAND: What who all say? Men? Is this some kind of female OWNER: Well, sweetie, you shouldn’t have to learn to love anything. secret language? What makes you happy? DAUGHTER: (Growing embarrassed.) Dad, what’s wrong with you? 15 RIVER: (Pause.) I’m good at political science. That’s why I applied to 15 WIFE: There’s no need to be sexist. Berkeley—great PoliSci department. HUSBAND: I’m not! I just want to understand! OWNER: Do you like political science? DAUGHTER: Ugh. And now you’re raising your voice! RIVER: My career counselor says I’d be a great college athlete, too. I’ve been playing tennis for four years. Some of my fallback schools WIFE: You tell him, sweetie! 20 have already offered me half scholarships. WAITRESS: Preach! (To DAUGHTER.) You’re getting to that age. Do you OWNER: Do you like playing tennis? 20 have any guys in your life like this? RIVER: The person who helped me with my college essays says— DAUGHTER: Eww, yeah. When my date for winter formal, Brandon, came over and my dad took pictures, Brandon told me the lipstick OWNER: You know, you keep telling me about what other people want on the elephant could barely even fit into the leather satchel. for you. But what do you want for you? WIFE: (Along with WAITRESS, looks horrified.)And your father didn’t 25 RIVER: I want to get into a great school. 25 say anything to him? (To HUSBAND.) You didn’t say anything to OWNER: For…? him? Do you understand what example you’re setting for your RIVER: To get my degree. children by not saying anything about that?! OWNER: In…? HUSBAND: I don’t understand what that is! Or what this is! RIVER: Whatever that school is best suited for. WIFE: Apologize to your daughter! 30 OWNER: It sounds like you just want to get into schools to make other 30 HUSBAND: Courtney, I’m sorry, truly, for whatever it is I did. people proud of you. But do you know what you want yet? WIFE: Whatever it is you did? You don’t even know what you did RIVER: Am I supposed to? wrong? I can’t believe you! (They sit in silence for a moment, angry. OWNER: Heavens, no, but… (Changes tactics.) You’ve toured these HUSBAND looks like a deer in the headlights.) schools, right? HUSBAND: (Sotto voce to SON.) Do you understand what’s going on? 35 RIVER: Right. There are pros and cons to each campus. See, 35 SON: (Whispers back.) I think you should just play along. Washington U has the best— HUSBAND: (Pauses to consider his options. After gaining composure, OWNER: Forget about that. Which one made you the happiest? gambles with a phrase.) Courtney, I’m sorry… for not letting… the RIVER: I… (Pause. Truly thinks about it for the first time.) …I clothes hanger?... play its… jazz solo?... with… the mafia boss? guess Georgetown. (Gains confidence as DAUGHTER’S expression changes.) And in the

34 7 For preview only 1 future… I, as your father, will never let… stone golems steal the… 1 VIOLET: (To OTHERS.) Does she ever shut up? I mean if you got it, autumn leaves in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. flaunt it, but give me a break. It’s a fine line between being talented DAUGHTER: (Beat. Truly touched.) Thanks, Dad! and being a show-off. HUSBAND: (Confused by the whole transaction, but recognizing that DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) So I just try to sing when I’m alone. But 5 it’s working, turns to WIFE.) And you, my sun and moon… I will pour 5 I feel like I’m pretty outgoing. I think I’m fun to be around, and I cherry Kool-Aid on any… mongoose?... with a 401(k) from now always see the best in people, which means— until the… thirsty spring solstice of the eternal pyramid scheme. BRIAN: (ENTERS and crosses to DELANEY.) Hey, Delaney, you want to WAITRESS/DAUGHTER: Aww! go out Friday night? WIFE: (Kisses HUSBAND, grateful.) Thank you. That’s all I needed DELANEY: Sure. 10 to hear. 10 BRIAN: Sweet. SON: Nice job, Dad! (Sotto voce.) What’d you say? (HUSBAND shrugs.) JAMIE: (To OTHERS.) Look who’s got another date. WAITRESS: Well, okay then, I’ll get those orders out as soon as I can. LORNA: I hear she’s dated every boy in school. (Briskly turns away and starts toward COOK.) VIOLET: Totally. DAUGHTER: Oh, real quick! DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) So… you learn to go with the flow. (To 15 WAITRESS: (Stops and turns back to the table.) Oh, yeah, I didn’t get 15 BRIAN.) Actually, sorry, but I don’t date. (Makes an “L” for “loser” your order yet. I’m so sorry! on her forehead with her thumb and forefinger. GIRLS giggle and DAUGHTER: No worries, I’ll just have what my mom’s having. surround her. BRIAN walks OFF, defeated. Surrounded by a gaggle WAITRESS: (Makes a note as she calls out.) Now there’s a shard in of friends, to AUDIENCE.) Looks, brains, talent, and personality the other leg! don’t mean as much as being part of “The Crowd.” This is better. 20 (Looks at OTHERS.) Yeah, this is a lot better. (ALL giggle and 20 DAUGHTER: Can I also get an alternative scenario to the 1713 laugh. BLACKOUT.) European Treaty of Utrecht when Hapsburg King Charles II doesn’t fail, and in this universe can he, after victory, give up sovereignty “Decision Day” to become a belly dancer in one of the former Asian dynasties? WAITRESS: Of course! (Calls to COOK.) One water! (BLACKOUT.) LIGHTS UP on a small family restaurant. RIVER, a slightly nerdy and high-achieving kid, sits at a table with a drink in front of her. She taps “Salad Days” her feet, excited and nervous, constantly refreshing her phone. At a 25 table nearby, a WOMAN looks at a menu. A matronly RESTAURANT Part One OWNER comes by RIVER’S table with a sandwich. OWNER: Here’s your PBJ on wheat. (RIVER doesn’t respond.) You 25 LIGHTS UP on a diner. New high school graduates EVAN, JACKSON, and DALE sit at a table together, still wearing their graduation gowns and okay, dear? mortarboards. They are beaming. They have menus in front of them. RIVER: (Snaps out of it.) It’s college decision day. Nearly every EVAN: Dudes, today is a good day! 30 university worth their salt comes out with letters today telling every high school senior across the country whether they’re worth JACKSON: A great day! it or not. (Beat. Panicked.) Am I worth it? 30 EVAN: Sweet! OWNER: You certainly seem like it to me. I’ve never seen someone JACKSON: Awesome! this excited for a letter. EVAN: Rad! 35 RIVER: Oh, you’re sweet, but I promise it’s not excitement. It’s stress. JACKSON: Amazing! By the pound. Yale’s response came back early—last week— EVAN: In...? Su…? Ba…? Shoot! I’ve run out of positive adjectives. telling me I wasn’t worth it. 35 JACKSON: No wonder you got such a low SAT score. That’s all the OWNER: Oh, well. What does Yale know? synonyms in your vocab?

8 33 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only “The Price You Pay” 1 EVAN: Hey, I bombed the test because I didn’t want to study. And you didn’t do much better, so don’t act so tall and mighty. Your horse 1 LIGHTS UP on a school cafeteria. A group of GIRLS—JAMIE, LORNA, is an inch above mine, not a mile. and VIOLET—are gathered around a table, all giggling and talking. DALE: High and mighty. DELANEY ENTERS and approaches the table. 5 JACKSON: What? DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) This is the table for the most popular kids DALE: The phrase is “high and mighty,” not tall and mighty. 5 in school. If you are accepted here, then you are in with “The Crowd.” Okay, maybe it’s a little expensive, but it’s just the price EVAN: Does everyone talk like that at Columbia? you pay. All it costs you is your self-esteem. And who really needs DALE: I don’t know. I’ll get back to you at fall break. (CARLA ENTERS that anyway? Seriously? Sometimes people tell me— carrying a pen and pad.) JAMIE: (To DELANEY.) You are so pretty. I’m serious. You’re so lucky 10 CARLA: Why, hello, former Tritons! A hearty congratulations to you 10 to be so beautiful. boys! I’m Carla, your waitress. Can I start you off with some drinks? DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) And I think maybe I am pretty. But I know DALE: Just a water for me. what they’re really saying is… EVAN: I’ll have a Coke. The real thing. Diet’s for vegans and cowards. JAMIE: (To OTHERS.) Oh, she is so vain. Do you know how much she JACKSON: (Gestures to EVAN.) I’ll have the same as him. Hey, how’d spends on hair products alone? She probably takes three hours 15 you figure out the Triton thing? 15 just to get ready in the morning. Like, who’s she trying to impress? CARLA: I was one of you, just seven years ago. “Rulers of the sea, DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) Nobody. So I tend not to wear makeup and we’ll always be!” I’ll be right back. (Smiles and EXITS.) stuff. I mean, who needs that anyway? Right? And I’m not dumb. EVAN: (Stares at CARLA as she leaves.) Sad. I mean, I’m no Stephen Hawking, but I learn things pretty quickly. DALE: What? LORNA: (To DELANEY.) Did you make the dean’s list again? 20 EVAN: Could you imagine being like that? 20 DELANEY: (Timid.) Yeah. DALE: Like what? LORNA: You go, girl. EVAN: You know, someone who stays in this tiny town, working a job DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) But then, word gets back that— at the local burger joint until retirement, not striving to do any LORNA: (To OTHERS.) You know she’s cheating. Her parents probably better in life. That’ll never be me. I’m getting out of here as soon do all her homework for her. (GIRLS giggle evilly. Mimics.) “Look at 25 as I can. 25 me, I’m little Miss Perfect.” DALE: Oh, yeah? Then, why’d you turn down going to Boston DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) So I don’t try my hardest anymore. I get a College, man? three-point-two. JACKSON: Yeah. Now that’s a city. LORNA: (Suddenly best friends with DELANEY.) Me too! Isn’t Mr. EVAN: I’d have to do work-study to cover tuition there. And I don’t Dormer, like, the lamest ever? 30 want to have to work in college. College is a time to party, relax, 30 DELANEY: (Acts dumber now.) Duh. He’s so totally lame. explore… A job is too much responsibility. LORNA: I know, right? JACKSON: Well, at least you’ll have me with you at State! DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) My mom’s got a beautiful voice, and I EVAN: Dude, totally! And once we graduate, we’re getting out of here! love to sing. I’ve been doing it since I was six. I love it more The world is ours! (EVAN and JACKSON high-five.) than anything. 35 CARLA: (ENTERS with drinks and passes them out.) Two Cokes and a 35 VIOLET: (To DELANEY.) You have the most amazing voice. water. Are we ready for our post-grad meal orders? (Takes out pen DELANEY: Thank you. and pad.) VIOLET: I’d give anything to sing like you. Anything. EVAN: You bet! A cheeseburger for me! Actually, make it a double DELANEY: Thank you. (To AUDIENCE.) But— cheeseburger. Chili cheese fries. Chocolate shake. 40 JACKSON: Same!

32 9 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 DALE: Just a house salad, thanks. 1 DAD: But without the drunk minister. JACKSON: Come on, dude, live a little. FRANKLIN: Heck no, not him. DALE: What? I just want a salad. My body’s a temple. DAD: He was so drunk. EVAN: Hey, man, even churches have socials. Today is not a day to be FRANKLIN: The rest is mostly legal stuff. I have a lawyer who’ll handle 5 good. It’s a day to eat, drink, and be merry. (Lifts his Coke.) To life! 5 all that. (Puts the papers back in the envelope and sticks it in (They clink glasses in a toast. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) DAD’S jacket, which he pats lovingly.) And don’t be scared, Dad. The nurses will take really good care of you. “The Girl Filter” DAD: I know. LIGHTS UP on a café. CLARK and AMY ENTER. They take a moment to FRANKLIN: Okay. look around. 10 DAD: Okay. CLARK: Here we are. FRANKLIN: Okay. 10 AMY: Wow, this place is amazing. (To AUDIENCE.) He asked me on a DAD: What are we doing for Thanksgiving this year? date. I think he likes me. FRANKLIN: (Pained, he closes his eyes and musters all of his courage.) HOSTESS: (ENTERS.) Hi, guys. Welcome. Where would you like to sit? You are going to be on your own this year, Dad. Maybe some hottie CLARK: Um, where do you want to sit? 15 at the nursing home will invite you— AMY: (To CLARK.) Anywhere is fine. (To AUDIENCE.) He cares where I DAD: We always spend Thanksgiving together. 15 want to sit. I think he likes me. FRANKLIN: I know, Dad. But I won’t be here this year. (Long beat.) My HOSTESS: How’s this table right here? (Seats them.) Gloria will be your cancer came back. It’s bad this time. (Forces himself to smile and server tonight. She’ll be right with you. And I apologize, but we’re be strong, then points to the envelope in DAD’S jacket.) But you having a little trouble with the acoustics in here. 20 hold on to that, and you’ll know what to do when the time comes. CLARK: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. DAD: I’ll give it to your mother. She’s much better with these things. 20 AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He made a joke. He’s trying to be funny. I think FRANKLIN: Okay, Dad. Okay. Well, you ready to go? (FRANKLIN stands, he likes me. but DAD just points to the fries.) HOSTESS: We just had a new sound system put in, and they’re still DAD: You going to eat your fries? working out the bugs. 25 FRANKLIN: (Sits.) No, I’m not. CLARK: What kind of bugs? DAD: (Eats some of FRANKLIN’S fries.) They have good fries here. 25 HOSTESS: There’s a problem with the filter. What boys say and what FRANKLIN: The best. (They share some fries. After a moment, DAD girls hear are sometimes two different things. I’ll send Gloria starts to sing softly, almost absent-mindedly.) right over. DAD: You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. (With a bittersweet CLARK: I hope this restaurant is okay. You come here a lot already. 30 smile, FRANKLIN joins in.) AMY: Okay? Are you kidding? This is my favorite! BOTH: (Sing.) You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never 30 CLARK: I know. know, dear, how much I love you… (LIGHTS start to fade.) AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He knows it’s my favorite. I think he likes me. DAD: Please don’t take… (LIGHTS get dimmer.) …my sunshine away. (Beat.) Wait… how did he know? Has he been stalking me? (To (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) CLARK.) How did you know it was my favorite? CLARK: I asked Veronica. She said you come here all the time. 35 AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He asked my best friend. I think he likes me. But why was he talking to Veronica? Does he want to ask Veronica out?

10 31 For preview only 1 DAD: And the minister. 1 CLARK: I wanted this date to go perfect. I’ve wanted to ask you out FRANKLIN: I know! for months. I guess I was just nervous. DAD: Kept calling her Delores. AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He wanted to ask me out for, like, months. FRANKLIN: And you got so mad, you pushed him to a chair and took He must really, really like me! Wait. Why was he nervous to ask 5 me out? (To CLARK.) Why were you nervous? Am I intimidating 5 over the service yourself. or something? DAD: I think he was drunk. CLARK: No, not at all. FRANKLIN: Totally plastered. (They laugh at the memory.) AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He doesn’t find me intimidating? What’s up DAD: He smelled of whiskey. with that? (To CLARK.) You think I’m weak? You think I’m some FRANKLIN: And peppermints. 10 kind of pushover? 10 DAD: It was a good service. CLARK: No, not at all. FRANKLIN: The best. Lilly and I were a mess, but you were so strong. AMY: Oh, so what, some kind of harpy, then? (Beat.) I really need you to be strong again, Dad. Right now. We’ve CLARK: (Jolts as though he’s just received a phone notification.) Just a got to do something that’s very… very hard. We have one more sec, let me check this text. (Pulls out his phone.) funeral to plan. (Pulls out a pen and a big envelope with papers in 15 AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He’s looking at his texts? Who’d be texting him 15 it. Spreads the papers in front of DAD.) now? Unless it’s his buddies, checking up on how the date’s going. DAD: Not now. He must really… But look at his face. He’s not smiling. Why is he FRANKLIN: Has to be now, Dad. so serious? Am I not fun? Did he just say I’m not fun? Maybe it’s DAD: No. not his friends. Maybe it’s his ex-girlfriend. They broke up, like, FRANKLIN: We don’t have a lot of time. My life is crazy right now, and 20 three months ago. Maybe that’s the three-month thing where he 20 I don’t know when I’ll talk to you again. was trying to work it out with her and couldn’t and moved on to DAD: No— his second choice. Well, nobody calls me “second choice.” What if I’m not second choice? What if he only went out with me to make FRANKLIN: Yes, Dad! (Softens.) I need you to rock up for me. I need her jealous? Then I’m just a pawn. A tool. (CLARK laughs lightly that strong Dad right now. Can you do that? (DAD nods. FRANKLIN 25 and sends a text.) He’s laughing now? It’s a secret joke? I’m just hands him the pen and points from one paper to the next.) It’s all some sort of secret joke? I don’t have to sit here and listen to 25 here. I’ve already signed everything. I just want you to confirm that this! Forget it, I never liked him that much anyway. (Gets up and you understand. Okay? (DAD nods and signs.) Cremation. Right? storms OFF.) (Another nod and signature.) And the ashes will be buried up near Mom, right? CLARK: (Still stares at his phone.) Hey, my sister just had her baby. 30 Want to see some pictures? (Looks up and realizes she’s gone.) DAD: I don’t want to— Hello? Amy? 30 FRANKLIN: Right?! (Another nod. DAD signs the paper.) The house will HOSTESS: (ENTERS.) Okay, we finally got the sound system fixed. go to Lilly. CLARK: I’m sorry, did you say something? (BLACKOUT.) DAD: Where is your sister? She should be here for this. FRANKLIN: She couldn’t make it today, Dad. Now, if Lilly doesn’t “Life” want the house, I have a realtor in here who can help sell it. 35 Okay? The money will go right into Lilly’s account. Okay? I need LIGHTS UP on a nice restaurant. STEVE and JANET sit at the table, you to say okay. 35 looking around in awe. DAD: Okay. STEVE: Wow, this place is even nicer than everyone said. FRANKLIN: Good. And we want a nice service. JANET: I can’t believe you got a reservation here. DAD: Like your mother’s. STEVE: I know. 40 FRANKLIN: Absolutely. JANET: It’s, like, a six-month waiting list.

30 11 For preview only 1 STEVE: I planned ahead. 1 DAD: How is Lilly? JANET: I heard they have, like, everything here. Thank you for this. I FRANKLIN: Oh, she’s good, Dad. She’s real good. love you so much for bringing me here. DAD: Is that Anderson boy still bothering her? STEVE: This place is going to change everything. FRANKLIN: What? 5 JANET: Everything? 5 DAD: Pulling her hair and stealing her lunch. I want to call that boy’s STEVE: Everything. father, but your mother won’t let me. KAREN: (ENTERS carrying two giant menus with “Life” in big, legible FRANKLIN: (Crushed again.) Oh, Dad. letters on the front. She’s all smiles.) Hi. Welcome to Life. DAD: If that Anderson boy does it one more time, I don’t care what STEVE: (Excited.) Life. your mother says— 10 JANET: (More excited.) Life! 10 FRANKLIN: Dad, that was in kindergarten. KAREN: I’m Karen, I’ll be taking care of you tonight. DAD: No excuse. That boy needs some manners. STEVE: Hi, Karen. FRANKLIN: Dad. That was thirty-two years ago. KAREN: Have you two been here before? DAD: What? JANET: No, this is our first time. FRANKLIN: Lilly’s all grown up now. Remember? She’s living in 15 STEVE: Been waiting for over six months. 15 Australia with her husband and two kids. Your grandkids. KAREN: I know, it’s crazy! Seems everybody wants to come here. DAD: What? (Hands them the menus.) Why don’t you take a moment to look at FRANKLIN: Your grandkids, Dad. You’ve got to remember your grandkids? our menus, and I’ll answer any questions you might have. DAD: What are you talking about? JANET: (Eagerly flips through menu.)Oh, I told you they have everything. FRANKLIN: Tommy and Shelia. I have a picture. (Pulls out his phone 20 STEVE: I don’t even know where to start. 20 to bring up the pictures.) KAREN: Yes, it can be a little overwhelming at first. We like to suggest DAD: You must be confused. We’ll talk to your mother when we you start small. Something like Seasonal Good Health or A Good get home. Night’s Rest. You know, just as an appetizer. FRANKLIN: Dad. JANET: (Points to the menu.) Steve, look! They have Purity and Innocence. DAD: She’s much better with dates. 25 STEVE: Oh, you totally have to have Purity and Innocence. 25 FRANKLIN: Dad. JANET: I haven’t had that in, like, forever. Ooh, and it’s not too expensive. DAD: But she’s wrong about that Anderson boy. STEVE: Money is no object tonight. FRANKLIN: Dad! Mom’s dead. She died twelve years ago. JANET: I love you. (To KAREN.) I’ll start with the Purity and Innocence. DAD: What? KAREN: I’m sorry. That’s part of our children’s menu. (Points to the FRANKLIN: (Puts down his phone, reaches across the table and takes 30 menu.) You have to be under seven years old to order that. 30 DAD’S hands.) I know you’re scared, Dad. I know it hurts, but we’ll JANET: Aww. Really? get through this. We’ve done it before. Many times before. KAREN: I’m afraid so. The chef says it just doesn’t keep. DAD: Your mother…? JANET: Well, I don’t know what I want then. Steve, you go ahead. FRANKLIN: Went so peacefully, Dad. And you were so strong. You STEVE: (Points to the menu.) Janet, look! They have Ambition. were like a rock. You planned the whole funeral. Every detail. From 35 JANET: Ooh, I’d like that. One order of Ambition, please. 35 the eulogy to the minister to the dress she wore. KAREN: Good choice. DAD: The blue one with the daisies. JANET: But I’d like to change the sides. Instead of Selfishness and FRANKLIN: Yes. I knew you remembered. Cynicism, can I get Altruism and Optimism? DAD: She loved that dress. FRANKLIN: Her favorite.

12 29 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 JACKSON: I need the pick-me-up. 1 KAREN: Sorry. We have a strict “no substitutes” policy. DALE: There’s black coffee. Way healthier. JANET: Really? JACKSON: I don’t want my pick-me-up to taste like a bitter old man. KAREN: Yeah, do you still want it? CARLA: (ENTERS, the same in most ways, but now around 40 years JANET: Gee, I’m not sure now. 5 old.) Why, hello there, gentleman! You all look so dashing. (Takes 5 STEVE: This is tougher than I thought. out her pen and pad.) What can I get you? JANET: I know, right? EVAN: Quadruple cheeseburger, please! A special meal for a special KAREN: Do you need some time? I can come back. Or I can tell you day. (CARLA writes the order down.) about our special. DALE: Are you sure about that? The photoshoot’s in ninety minutes, JANET: Ooh, the special, please. 10 and your stomach’s going to be aching on the dance floor. 10 KAREN: Well, you came on a good night. We don’t present this very EVAN: Eh, I have the rest of my life to eat healthy. often. It’s our chef’s signature dish. CARLA: (To JACKSON.) And for you? STEVE: Sounds exciting. JACKSON: If the groom wants it, the best man follows lockstep. I’ll KAREN: Yes. We’re very proud of it. It’s A Life Without Fear. have what he’s having. JANET: No way. 15 DALE: (Off CARLA’S stare.) I’m just the officiant in from out of town, so 15 STEVE: Seriously? A Life Without Fear? the usual for me. KAREN: And it’s exactly what it sounds like. You get to experience zero CARLA: (Writes it down.) A house salad. Romaine. Goat cheese. fear from this day forward. EVAN: Dude, you never change. I can’t believe you. Live a little! STEVE: (Looks to JANET to confirm. To KAREN.) Two of those, please. DALE: (Picks up glass.) Hey, to life! (They clink glasses in a toast. KAREN: Well, before you order, I have to tell you it’s our most 20 LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) 20 expensive dish. “Memory Lane” STEVE: Well, you only live once, right? We’ll splurge. Just put it on my credit card. LIGHTS UP on a fast-food joint. DAD, now 75 years old, sits at a table, KAREN: Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. I should’ve explained. This is our special. looking sort of blank. FRANKLIN, now in his 40s, ENTERS with a tray of You can’t pay for that with cash or credit. We require another form burgers, fries, and drinks, and sits. 25 of payment. FRANKLIN: Here we go, Dad. Double cheeseburger and fries. (DAD JANET: Like what? 25 looks at him blankly.) I got you your own fries ’cause you always say you don’t want them, and then end up stealing all of mine. KAREN: This dish requires all of your compassion and half of your love. Remember? (But DAD doesn’t. FRANKLIN continues, trying to spark JANET: What?! some kind of memory.) That was like your thing. Fry stealing. Like JANET: Half our love? when you told us we were moving. Remember? Or right after Lilly 30 STEVE: Our love for each other? Or can it just be like, “my love for 30 was born and you took me to lunch? And you said just ’cause I had matching ties and socks”? a new sister didn’t mean you loved me any less. That I was still KAREN: All love, I’m afraid. your “sunshine.” And then you sang “You Are My Sunshine” while JANET: I don’t know, Steve. We’ve been best friends since we were you ate all my fries. Remember? children. I don’t want to lose any of that. DAD: Lilly? 35 STEVE: Me neither. Think we’ll pass. 35 FRANKLIN: Yeah, Lilly. You remember Lilly. JANET: (Pores over the menu.) Now I don’t know what to get. DAD: Of course I remember my own daughter. STEVE: Me either. (Continues looking.) Let’s see… Let’s see… Ooh. FRANKLIN: (Relieved.) That’s good, Dad. That’s great. Maybe those Contentment? They have Contentment. new meds are finally working. JANET: Where do you see that?

28 13 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 STEVE: It’s on the dessert menu. 1 HOST: (ENTERS.) Well, we’ve got an empty table. Dufrane! Party of KAREN: You can have it as a main dish if you’d like. two? Dufrane? JANET: Really? ROBBER/URSULA: (ROBBER takes off his mask, and URSULA sits up, KAREN: Lots of people do. But can I tell you a secret? (Looks around, suddenly.) We’re the Dufranes. (BLACKOUT.) 5 then leans in confidentially.) I shouldn’t tell you this, but you can “Salad Days” make that at home. JANET: How do you make it? Part Three KAREN: You go home, open the cupboard and take out whatever you have. Throw it in a pot over medium heat for about an hour, and 5 LIGHTS UP on the “Salad Days” diner. EVAN, JACKSON, and DALE are in their usual seats at the same table. Now in their young thirties, 10 then just be grateful for what you have. they are wearing tuxedos. All their outfits are plush, but EVAN’S is the JANET: That sounds deceptively easy. fanciest of them all. EVAN and JACKSON have half-full glasses of Coke KAREN: I know. That’s why most people don’t even try it at home. in front of them. DALE has a glass of water. STEVE: Well, we will. 10 JACKSON: (To the tune of “Here Comes the Bride.”) Da, da, da, da! JANET: We’ll try that tonight. DALE: (Continues the song.) Da, da, da, da! 15 KAREN: Excellent. EVAN: Pretty sure that’s her entrance song. STEVE: Thank you for your help. DALE: I know. We’re preparing you for this afternoon. KAREN: Sure. So, have you made up your minds? JACKSON: It’d be embarrassing if you didn’t know how to sing along. JANET: (Shares a look and a nod with STEVE.) I think I’ll just have a 15 EVAN: “Here Comes the Bride” isn’t exactly a karaoke tune. double cheeseburger and fries. JACKSON: Not with that attitude, it’s not. 20 STEVE: That sounds perfect. Two double cheeseburgers and fries. DALE: I still can’t believe it. I’m so happy for you. KAREN: Excellent choice. (BLACKOUT.) EVAN: Thanks, Dale! Is marriage everything they say it is? “Salad Days” DALE: And more. Are you staying in your apartment after the honeymoon? 20 EVAN: No, actually. We just bought a house in Shelton. Part Two DALE: Awesome! LIGHTS UP on the “Salad Days” diner. EVAN, DALE, and JACKSON sit JACKSON: Cheers to that! (They clink glasses.) in the same places at the same table, now four years older. JACKSON DALE: But wait. Shelton? Like, twenty-minutes-away Shelton? What and EVAN have glasses of Coke and finished plates in front of them. happened to moving to Boston? 25 DALE chomps contently on a half-eaten salad. He has a glass of water. 25 EVAN: Eh. Old pipe dream. JACKSON: Dale, I think I speak for both of us when I say I don’t know DALE: Pipe dream? It’s all you ever talked about from six to twenty- how you do it. one years old. Quick! Sullivan Square to Brigham Circle—what’s EVAN: Amen. the fastest route? DALE: Do what? EVAN: (On autopilot.) Take the Orange Line southbound toward Forest 30 JACKSON: Eat that. 30 Hills to Haymarket Station and then follow the Green Line. (Snaps DALE: This? Usually with my fork. Although there was this one time at out of it. To DALE.) I hate you. Besides, a lot has changed. the Chinese restaurant— DALE: But a lot hasn’t. You love her, but you still want out of here. I EVAN: That’s not what I mean! Why the heck would you want a salad can see it in your eyes. (To JACKSON.) Yours, too. right now? We’re celebrating finishing college and you getting your JACKSON: That’s probably the caffeine. I had a rainbow marshmallow 35 first real job! You’re moving up in life! Don’t you want something 35 chocolate iced coffee with whipped cream this morning. that rightfully honors that? DALE: Why do you drink those?

14 27 For preview only 1 FELICITY: They’re both accessories! Just take the win, man. (URSULA 1 DALE: I think goat cheese and romaine do it justice. whacks the ROBBER over her shoulder with the shoe.) EVAN: Liar! Those Ivy League health nuts infected your brain these ROBBER: Tell her to stop it. past four years. Got you hooked on expensive diet foods. FELICITY: Uh… Hobble jawink! (URSULA whacks faster.) DALE: This was my choice. Columbia had nothing to do with it. 5 ROBBER: Not faster! Tell her to stop. 5 JACKSON: Pssh! Likely story. FELICITY: Fl… Fleeglick. EVAN: But, I mean, come on! Do you think the people at that fancy URSULA: Zeg? new job you just got are going to like the guy who brings his own FELICITY: She… She thinks there’s a bee on her! vegetables for lunch? AMBROSE: Look, buddy— (Takes a step toward ROBBER, who pulls DALE: I don’t think they’ll find it relevant. I think they’ll like me for me. 10 URSULA tighter, nearly choking her.) 10 JACKSON: Keep that spirit up. Construction guys give you crap just for ROBBER: Stay away, copper. eating fruit. They say guys in their twenties shouldn’t worry about their diet. AMBROSE: (To FELICITY.) You want to just get our food to go? EVAN: And they’re right. My metabolism is at its peak. Why would I URSULA: Argh! (Grabs her heart and staggers around in comic pain.) make it step down from the top of the hill before it needs to? WAITPERSON: She’s having a heart attack! 15 DALE: So why’d you go into that career anyway? 15 AMBROSE: This is not the evening I had planned. EVAN: Construction? WAITPERSON: Dufrane! Do something. DALE: No, undercover birthday clowning. Yes, of course, construction. AMBROSE: What, you want me to arrest her? Last time I was here you said it was boring, and only part-time. WAITPERSON: Not you. Doctor Dufrane. (Points at FELICITY.) You’ve both got degrees in economics now. Didn’t you want your FELICITY: What?! I’m a doctor now? 20 first jobs to be something you could rise up the ranks with? And 20 AMBROSE: Um… do the Heimlich. what about moving to Boston? FELICITY: That’s for choking! EVAN: Eh, we just finished undergrad. There will always be time for that. Construction’s easy money. When it stops being easy, I’ll look AMBROSE: (Thinks.) Ooh, do the zappy thing with the paddles. for something else. FELICITY: Does it look like I have a zappy thing?! 25 DALE: It’s here, though. Don’t you want to move away? AMBROSE: Don’t yell at me! I’m trying to help. (URSULA sinks to the EVAN: Eventually. No real reason to right now. Especially while my 25 floor. ROBBER kneels at her side.) How about CPR? parents are paying my rent. FELICITY: I don’t know how to do CPR! JACKSON: (Nods.) Couldn’t have said it better myself. AMBROSE: But we saw it on that episode of “Law and Order”! CARLA: (ENTERS.) How are we doing over here? FELICITY: That’s televis— 30 EVAN: Man, those triple cheeseburgers were great! Can we get two WAITPERSON: (To FELICITY.) Wait… you’re not a doctor? (The room chili fries now, please? 30 FREEZES. ALL glare at AMBROSE and FELICITY.) CARLA: You boys came with quite an appetite today! FELICITY: Uhhh… JACKSON: Some of us did. WAITPERSON: (To AMBROSE.) And you don’t seem like the chief EVAN: Go big or go home! of police. 35 JACKSON: And refills on the Coke, please. AMBROSE: Ummm… CARLA: (To DALE.) Do you want anything else? 35 WAITPERSON: Hey! You’re not the Dufranes! (AMBROSE and FELICITY look at each other. Beat. They turn and run OFF.) They stole the DALE: Nah, I’m good with my salad. Dufrane’s reservation! (DINERS gasp and “ooh” in disapproval.) EVAN: (Teases.) You are such a wuss. (Lifts his glass.) Hey, to life! (They clink glasses in a toast. BLACKOUT.)

26 15 For preview only “Food For Thought” 1 ROBBER: What?! (Panics, looks around, and grabs URSULA from where she was sitting. URSULA screams. Holds her like a human shield.) 1 LIGHTS UP on a nice restaurant. VICTOR and FIONA sit across from Stay away from me, copper, or the lady gets hurt! each other at a table over a barely eaten piece of chocolate cake. URSULA: Ahhh! (URSULA speaks in some made-up, gibberish language.) They’re loving each other’s presence, but both seem lost in thought. 5 Hobben globben istu fornot. VICTOR: I can’t believe it. Only five days left. ROBBER: What did she say? 5 FIONA: I know, it’s coming so quickly. Less than a week. The next time URSULA: Ribbo tolick verra mika florn! you watch Throne of Shadows will be without me. And vice versa. ROBBER: What is she talking about? VICTOR: You’re going to watch Throne of Shadows without me?! WAITPERSON: (To FELICITY.) Please, Mrs. Dufrane. You’ve got to help. FIONA: That’s what you’re disappointed by? I’m moving thousands of 10 FELICITY: Me? miles away, and your trauma is that I’m not going to be next to you 10 on the couch when Kelvin Steel dies? AMBROSE: Her? VICTOR: Kelvin Steel dies?! WAITPERSON: (Indicates URSULA.) That’s the ambassador to Korpelistan. FIONA: Shoot! I forgot you haven’t read the books. FELICITY: What? VICTOR: (Awkward pause.) I just wish I could come with you. WAITPERSON: You know, the tiny country of Korpelistan? You speak 15 fluent Korpelistanese. FIONA: (After sitting in silence for a moment, takes a visibly warm beat.) 15 Why don’t you? I’ll book the plane ticket. FELICITY: I do? Oh. Right, that’s me. Um, I’m a little rusty. Doesn’t she have a translator? VICTOR: Fiona! WAITPERSON: What do we need a translator for? We have you! FIONA: I’m serious. Do it! The division I’m transferring to has (Shoves FELICITY into the situation.) plenty of openings. You have connections through me. You’d be guaranteed at least an entry- to mid-level spot. Best of all, you’d 20 FELICITY: Um, hi. 20 be with me. And, honestly, I’m not sure that’s something I’ll be URSULA: Ahhh! able to live without. ROBBER: What did she say? VICTOR: Me either. You know I love you. (Beat.) It’s just— FELICITY: She said, “Hiii!” FIONA: I know. URSULA: Diddum silter yabban ve. VICTOR: I— 25 ROBBER: What did she say? 25 FIONA: I know. (The two share a glance, trying to get a read. Finally.) I FELICITY: Uh, she said, “Try the croutons, they’re amazing!” don’t want to create a life without you if I don’t have to. Some food AMBROSE: (Checks his wallet.) Listen, if you let the ambassador go, I for thought is all. (Checks her vibrating phone.) I gotta go. I have can give you sixteen dollars, a punch card for a free yogurt… and that meeting with the movers. You’ll think about it? a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon. VICTOR: I’ll think about it. (They kiss and FIONA EXITS. As she does, 30 ROBBER: (Notices URSULA’S earrings.) These are nice earrings. Tell 30 CONCRETE, CREATIVE, CRITICAL, EMOTIONAL, FORE, INQUISITIVE, her to take them off and give them to me. and TRIVIAL ENTER, wearing labeled T-shirts. These are literally FELICITY: Um— VICTOR’S THOUGHTS, and they gather around VICTOR.) ROBBER: Tell her! EMOTIONAL: Oh, Victor, baby! How you feeling? FELICITY: (Makes up gibberish.) Urgin polive stata nonga. INQUISITIVE: Why the long face? Did you miss us? How was the salmon? 35 URSULA: Zeg? 35 CRITICAL: It looked drier than British comedy. FELICITY: Stata nonga. CREATIVE: He should have tried it with the balsamic. That would have added flavor. URSULA: Zeg?! VICTOR: (Shocked.) Who are— AMBROSE/FELICITY: Stata nonga! (URSULA takes off her shoe.) ROBBER: Not the shoe. The earrings!

16 25 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 on, drop it in the bag. You too, bub. The wallet, in the bag. Nice 1 FORE: —we? We’re your thoughts. necklace. Come on, hurry up. (Etc. While he moves around the VICTOR: My thoughts? room, WAITPERSON rushes IN and crosses to AMBROSE.) CONCRETE: Yes, the actual cognitive processes of your brain. WAITPERSON: Quick! You have to do something. CRITICAL: (Looks harshly at EMOTIONAL.) Well, most of us are. 5 AMBROSE: Me?! What can I do? 5 FORE: We were called upon just a moment ago. We’re here to help WAITPERSON: What do you mean? You’re the chief of police. you navigate this tough decision with Fiona. Plus, we could use the FELICITY: What?! promised free meal. AMBROSE: I am? VICTOR: Free meal? I never— WAITPERSON: Please, Chief Dufrane. (Hauls AMBROSE to his feet FORE: —promised us a free meal? Fiona did. 10 and, using him like a shield, walks to ROBBER.) You’re in trouble 10 CONCRETE: Forty-five seconds ago. now, buddy! INQUISITIVE: Food for thought was mentioned, was it not? ROBBER: Whoa, whoa. What’s this? VICTOR: Oh, um, yeah, I guess Fiona said that. She meant her idea AMBROSE: Hi. (Offers his hand.) I’m Ambrose. was something for me to think about. It was a metaphor. ROBBER: I don’t care. TRIVIAL: Actually, it was an idiom. See, a metaphor requires a comparison— 15 AMBROSE: Yeah, you got a busy night. It’s crazy here, right? 15 CRITICAL: Shut up! No one wants to listen to you. Your voice is ROBBER: Back off, bub! scratchy, and you smell weird. AMBROSE: I’m just wondering if you could wrap up and get on VICTOR: Pardon me. What— your way. FORE: —is it we do? Exactly what any person’s thoughts do. We banter FELICITY: What are you doing? back and forth with each other to help you make all life’s toughest 20 AMBROSE: (Totally clueless.) I’m trying to negotiate. 20 choices. We try to keep away the devil’s advocates. ROBBER: I don’t negotiate. CONCRETE: We cover all the important stuff. Moving out to Los Angeles AMBROSE: No, sure. I get it. Thing is, I’m trying to have a romantic to be with your long-term girlfriend is potentially life-changing. So evening with my wife— trust me, you’re going to want all of us here to hash that out. FELICITY: Hi. EMOTIONAL: So here we go… (To other THOUGHTS, ignoring VICTOR.) 25 Remember a few months ago when Victor promised to build a life 25 AMBROSE: And we have to be home by ten— with Fiona? Not moving with her would be a betrayal! ROBBER: Gimme your wallet. CONCRETE: Yes, but the likelihood of him getting a job in L.A. AMBROSE: My wallet? No, I can’t do that. immediately is incredibly slim. And it’s an expensive city to live in. ROBBER: (Points the weapon at him.) Gimme! TRIVIAL: Don’t get so caught up in the job stuff. It’s impermanent. AMBROSE: Okay… but I’ve got to keep cash for the babysitter. 30 According to recent U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics data, 30 ROBBER: What? retirement fund values have decreased by over twelve percent in FELICITY: Just give him your wallet. just the past decade. AMBROSE: (To FELICITY.) Suzy was really specific that she wanted to FORE: (To TRIVIAL.) But funds and unemployment are going to fluctuate be paid in cash. heavily between now and the time Victor retires. ROBBER: What? Just give me your wallet. 35 EMOTIONAL: On the other hand, Victor can’t leave his friends here. They love him! 35 AMBROSE: I really can’t. VICTOR: Aww, they do? ROBBER: What are you, some kind of hero? CRITICAL: Shh! Nobody likes someone who speaks out of turn. WAITPERSON: No, he’s the chief of police.

24 17 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 TRIVIAL: Yeah, but Victor’s friend Garrett loves Radiohead, and Victor 1 AMBROSE: (Calling after as WAITPERSON EXITS.) Wait a sec— is a lot more likely to have a good time with his friend by taking him FELICITY: Easy, honey. to a concert on the West Coast. Concerts in Hollywood outnumber AMBROSE: Easy? It’s not right. We had reservations forty-five minutes concerts in the Midwest by an almost four-to-one ratio. ago. I guess we could go somewhere else. 5 INQUISIITVE: Is that a big enough factor to make the move to L.A. 5 FELICITY: I don’t want to go somewhere else. It’s our anniversary, and worth it? I want to eat here, where you proposed to me. (Beat.) I could call EMOTIONAL: No, but Garrett would want Victor to be happy. Deep the babysitter and see if she could stay late. down, Fiona and Garrett will want for Victor what Victor wants HOST: (OFFSTAGE.) Dufrane, party of two! Your table is ready. for Victor. AMBROSE: No, she was very specific. She had to be home by ten. 10 VICTOR: I think I might know what Victor wants for Victor— 10 FELICITY: Yikes. CRITICAL: Quiet, Victor! AMBROSE: If we don’t get seated in the next two minutes, we’ll have CONCRETE: Look, the fact of the matter is Victor can’t climb the to skip dessert and coffee. corporate ladder in L.A. the same way he can here. FELICITY: Oh, I am not going without coffee. VICTOR: I don’t mind quitting my job. AMBROSE: And you know my feelings on dessert. 15 CREATIVE: What if he stayed here, climbed the corporate ladder, but 15 HOST: (OFFSTAGE.) Dufrane, party of two! Your table is ready. Skyped her every day? FELICITY: I wish we were the Dufranes. CRITICAL: Long distance relationships are naïve. They never— AMBROSE: (Beat. Gets a wicked idea.) Why couldn’t we be? It’s not FORE: —pan out. illegal or anything. VICTOR: You’ve all made some good points, but I think I know— FELICITY: Okay, but it’s still wrong. Isn’t it? 20 FORE: —what to do? Please, Victor, let us handle this. 20 AMBROSE: You know what’s wrong? Making people wait forty-five VICTOR: No, I really— minutes when they had a reservation. CONCRETE: He needs to stay. HOST: (OFFSTAGE.) Dufrane! Final call for Dufrane! Party of two. EMOTIONAL: He needs to go! AMBROSE: (Calls out LOUDLY.) We’re the Dufranes! CONCRETE: Stay! FELICITY: Honey! 25 EMOTIONAL: Go! 25 AMBROSE: Dufrane. That’s us! VICTOR: Maybe if I could just— HOST: (ENTERS with two menus and crosses to FELICITY and AMBROSE.) CONCRETE: Stay! Right this way! We have your table ready. (Takes them to the open EMOTIONAL: Go! table, where the COUPLE sits, and hands them the menus.) Here CRITICAL: Stay! we go. Someone will be right over to take your order. (Crosses to 30 30 CREATIVE: Go! whisper in WAITPERSON’S ear with a glance towards AMBROSE and FELICITY. WAITPERSON and HOST EXIT.) INQUISITIVE: Stay! FELICITY: This is so exciting. I feel so… I don’t know. Criminal. TRIVIAL: Go! AMBROSE: I don’t. I feel no guilt whatsoever. I have no reservations… VICTOR: Enough! Thank you for all your insight, but this is a decision because we had reservations. (Raises a water glass.) To us! And a that’ll only downward spiral if all I do is think about it. Listening to 35 perfectly romantic evening. (They clink glasses.) 35 my thoughts isn’t always the smartest option. ROBBER: (Runs ON with a bag in one hand and a weapon in the CONCRETE: How dare you. other and crosses CENTER.) All right! Nobody move! This is a hold- VICTOR: Sometimes, it’s best to go with my gut—not my head. Thank up! (Shouts above the din as DINERS scream and panic.) I want you for your time, but you all can leave now. all phones, jewelry, and wallets in the bag. Now! (Moves around INQUISITIVE: Wait. What’s your decision? 40 the room, forcing people to put stuff in his bag. Ad-libs.) Come

18 23 For preview only 1 BOY/GIRL: Eleven. 1 VICTOR: Thank you for your time! You can leave now! (THOUGHTS BOY: Favorite movie? move to leave, mumbling under their breath.) GIRL: Mary Poppins. INQUISITIVE: (To OTHERS.) He was kind of harsh there, don’t you think? BOY: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. EMOTIONAL: Yeah, but he made the right call. I don’t think he’ll regret 5 this. (They’re OUT.) 5 BOY/GIRL: Hey, Dick Van Dyke! BOY: Favorite author? VICTOR: (Overhears this as THOUGHTS EXIT. After letting it sink in for a moment, he pulls out his phone and calls Fiona.) Hi, babe. Um, I’ve GIRL: Too big. Favorite horror author? been doing some thinking and having some internal dialogues with BOY: Stephen King. Mystery? myself… Ha! You’d be surprised. They were surprisingly realistic… GIRL: Robert Parker. 10 Yes… (Beat.) Book the ticket… No, it’s not impulsive. This feels 10 BOY: Ah! Fantasy? right. Okay?… Okay! I can’t wait either! I love you, too. (Ends call. To BOY/GIRL: Terry Pratchett. himself.) I’m moving to Los Angeles! (Looks off, beaming pleasantly.) BOY: Hey, you want to get out of here? CONSULTANT: (ENTERS carrying a briefcase. Sits next to VICTOR.) Hi, are you Victor? GIRL: Really? (Considers.) Yeah, let’s get out of here. Can we run by HQ so I can pick up my bike? 15 VICTOR: Yes. Can I help you? 15 BOY: HQ? CONSULTANT: I’m here on behalf of the Devil’s Advocates. GIRL: I volunteer at campaign headquarters. VICTOR: Oh, geez. (BLACKOUT.) BOY: No way! You’re a political volunteer? I help people register “A More Perfect Union” to vote! GIRL: This is beyond my wildest dreams. LIGHTS UP on a bistro with two tables, each with two chairs. GIRL 20 BOY: I know, right? sits at one table, alone, waiting for someone. At the next table, with 20 his back to her, sits BOY, alone, also waiting for someone. He drums GIRL: Let’s go. RHQ is just a few blocks away. on the table with his fingers. She plays with a napkin. They’ve been BOY: (Shocked.) Wait. What? RHQ? You’re a Republican? waiting a long time. SERVER approaches GIRL with a pen and pad. GIRL: Of course. SERVER: Are you ready to order yet? BOY: I’m a Democrat. (They stare blankly at each other for a beat, GIRL: Gee, can you give me just, like, five more minutes? 25 then BLACKOUT.) 25 SERVER: You mean another five more minutes? Like the last seven “No Reservations” “five more” minutes-es? GIRL: I’m sure he’s just stuck in traffic. LIGHTS UP on a packed restaurant that has at least five tables. Every SERVER: Uh-huh. table is full with DINERS, save for one. URSULA is one of the DINERS GIRL: He should be here. at a table toward the back. AMBROSE and FELICITY stand impatiently to one side. A haggard WAITPERSON moves through the tables and 30 SERVER: Perhaps you could call him and get an ETA. 30 places water glasses on the open table, then signals OFFSTAGE that GIRL: Thought of that. But I don’t actually have his number. the table is ready. SERVER: Uh-huh. HOST: (From OFFSTAGE. Loudly.) Dufrane, party of two. Your table GIRL: It’s a blind date. is ready. SERVER: Uh-huh. AMBROSE: (Impatiently to WAITPERSON crossing to exit.) Excuse me, 35 GIRL: We met on a dating site. He said he’d be here. 35 we had a reservation— SERVER: Uh-huh. WAITPERSON: I’m sorry, sir. We are just swamped tonight. GIRL: He’ll be here. Can you please bring me some more water while HOST: (OFFSTAGE.) Dufrane! Party of two! I wait?

22 19 For preview only 1 SERVER: Yes! Oh, yes. I can finally cross that off my bucket list. 1 GIRL: Think we got stood up? (Crosses to the other table. To BOY.) How about you? Ready to BOY: I might’ve. Wouldn’t be the first time. order? Let me go out on a limb here and say “no.” GIRL: No. BOY: Holding off. I don’t want to seem rude when she gets here. BOY: You get used to it. But you… that guy’d have to be an idiot to 5 SERVER: If she gets here. 5 stand you up. BOY: Oh, she’ll be here. GIRL: Oh, thank you. That was… um… SERVER: Do you have a guess as to when? Rounding up to the BOY: Too forward. Awkward. Sorry. nearest hour? GIRL: No. Nice, but— BOY: She said forty minutes ago. BOY: Too soon. 10 SERVER: Have you called her? 10 GIRL: Maybe… So, wait, you don’t think— BOY: Can’t really. It’s a— BOY: I do think he’s a total raging moron, but I can’t say that because BOY/SERVER: —blind date. I just met you and it sounds like a pickup line and I don’t want to BOY: Yes. How did you know? be picky-uppy guy, so just forget I said it. Just know I’m thinking it. SERVER: Lot of that going around. (Points to GIRL’S table.) Are you two GIRL: Are you? 15 sure you’re not waiting for each other? (BOY and GIRL look at each 15 BOY: I are. other a moment.) GIRL: I usually don’t use dating sites. GIRL: No. BOY: I know. You never know who you’re going to meet. BOY: Nope. GIRL: It’s just so hard to meet people. GIRL: No way. BOY: Right. Like, where do you meet them? At the gym? On the bus? 20 BOY: Uh-uh. 20 GIRL: Wait, you take the bus? BOY/GIRL: (Hold up their phones.) I have a picture. BOY: Yes. Not that I don’t have a car. I have a car. I don’t live in my mom’s SERVER: Right. (Sighs and walks OFF. Beat. BOY and GIRL look at basement or anything. I just think it’s better for the environment. each other.) GIRL: Oh, my gosh. I bike, like, everywhere. GIRL: Well, good luck with yours. BOY: No way. I did the 100K rally last year. 25 BOY: You, too. (They wait. Sigh. And wait. Sigh.) 25 GIRL: You’re kidding. Me too! Have you always been a cyclist? SERVER: (ENTERS and approaches between BOY and GIRL.) Look, BOY: No, a girl I did a show with turned me onto it. guys, my manager says you have to order something. That or give GIRL: Oh? What show? up the tables. We have people waiting. BOY: Oh, it was a silly show. Called Aesop’s Foibles. GIRL: Oh, sure. Gee. Sorry. I… I guess I could wait in the lobby. GIRL: You have to be kidding. 30 BOY: Yeah. Maybe this was for the bes— (Gets his first good look at GIRL.) …Um. I really am kind of hungry, though. (To GIRL.) You want 30 BOY: I have to? to give up that table and share mine? Maybe order something? GIRL: I was the editor on that show. That’s my show! This is beyond SERVER: What a great idea. Yes, she’d love to. (Starts to usher GIRL strange. Do you believe in fate? Or destiny? to BOY’S table as another COUPLE quickly moves in on the now- BOY: I’m starting to. Or maybe this is just some kind of cosmic joke. 35 empty table.) What’s your favorite radio station? GIRL: But I don’t want to seem rude if he shows up. 35 GIRL: Ninety-seven-point-five. BOY: Forty-five minutes late? He’s the rude one. BOY: The Hug? Get out! Favorite color? Together. SERVER: Can I finally bring you some menus? Yes? Great, we’ll chalk BOY/GIRL: Green. that up as a victory. (Stops by COUPLE’S table, mouths some words GIRL: Lucky number? 40 to them, and then EXITS.)

20 21 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 SERVER: Yes! Oh, yes. I can finally cross that off my bucket list. 1 GIRL: Think we got stood up? (Crosses to the other table. To BOY.) How about you? Ready to BOY: I might’ve. Wouldn’t be the first time. order? Let me go out on a limb here and say “no.” GIRL: No. BOY: Holding off. I don’t want to seem rude when she gets here. BOY: You get used to it. But you… that guy’d have to be an idiot to 5 SERVER: If she gets here. 5 stand you up. BOY: Oh, she’ll be here. GIRL: Oh, thank you. That was… um… SERVER: Do you have a guess as to when? Rounding up to the BOY: Too forward. Awkward. Sorry. nearest hour? GIRL: No. Nice, but— BOY: She said forty minutes ago. BOY: Too soon. 10 SERVER: Have you called her? 10 GIRL: Maybe… So, wait, you don’t think— BOY: Can’t really. It’s a— BOY: I do think he’s a total raging moron, but I can’t say that because BOY/SERVER: —blind date. I just met you and it sounds like a pickup line and I don’t want to BOY: Yes. How did you know? be picky-uppy guy, so just forget I said it. Just know I’m thinking it. SERVER: Lot of that going around. (Points to GIRL’S table.) Are you two GIRL: Are you? 15 sure you’re not waiting for each other? (BOY and GIRL look at each 15 BOY: I are. other a moment.) GIRL: I usually don’t use dating sites. GIRL: No. BOY: I know. You never know who you’re going to meet. BOY: Nope. GIRL: It’s just so hard to meet people. GIRL: No way. BOY: Right. Like, where do you meet them? At the gym? On the bus? 20 BOY: Uh-uh. 20 GIRL: Wait, you take the bus? BOY/GIRL: (Hold up their phones.) I have a picture. BOY: Yes. Not that I don’t have a car. I have a car. I don’t live in my mom’s SERVER: Right. (Sighs and walks OFF. Beat. BOY and GIRL look at basement or anything. I just think it’s better for the environment. each other.) GIRL: Oh, my gosh. I bike, like, everywhere. GIRL: Well, good luck with yours. BOY: No way. I did the 100K rally last year. 25 BOY: You, too. (They wait. Sigh. And wait. Sigh.) 25 GIRL: You’re kidding. Me too! Have you always been a cyclist? SERVER: (ENTERS and approaches between BOY and GIRL.) Look, BOY: No, a girl I did a show with turned me onto it. guys, my manager says you have to order something. That or give GIRL: Oh? What show? up the tables. We have people waiting. BOY: Oh, it was a silly show. Called Aesop’s Foibles. GIRL: Oh, sure. Gee. Sorry. I… I guess I could wait in the lobby. GIRL: You have to be kidding. 30 BOY: Yeah. Maybe this was for the bes— (Gets his first good look at GIRL.) …Um. I really am kind of hungry, though. (To GIRL.) You want 30 BOY: I have to? to give up that table and share mine? Maybe order something? GIRL: I was the editor on that show. That’s my show! This is beyond SERVER: What a great idea. Yes, she’d love to. (Starts to usher GIRL strange. Do you believe in fate? Or destiny? to BOY’S table as another COUPLE quickly moves in on the now- BOY: I’m starting to. Or maybe this is just some kind of cosmic joke. 35 empty table.) What’s your favorite radio station? GIRL: But I don’t want to seem rude if he shows up. 35 GIRL: Ninety-seven-point-five. BOY: Forty-five minutes late? He’s the rude one. BOY: The Hug? Get out! Favorite color? Together. SERVER: Can I finally bring you some menus? Yes? Great, we’ll chalk BOY/GIRL: Green. that up as a victory. (Stops by COUPLE’S table, mouths some words GIRL: Lucky number? 40 to them, and then EXITS.)

20 21 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 BOY/GIRL: Eleven. 1 VICTOR: Thank you for your time! You can leave now! (THOUGHTS BOY: Favorite movie? move to leave, mumbling under their breath.) GIRL: Mary Poppins. INQUISITIVE: (To OTHERS.) He was kind of harsh there, don’t you think? BOY: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. EMOTIONAL: Yeah, but he made the right call. I don’t think he’ll regret 5 this. (They’re OUT.) 5 BOY/GIRL: Hey, Dick Van Dyke! BOY: Favorite author? VICTOR: (Overhears this as THOUGHTS EXIT. After letting it sink in for a moment, he pulls out his phone and calls Fiona.) Hi, babe. Um, I’ve GIRL: Too big. Favorite horror author? been doing some thinking and having some internal dialogues with BOY: Stephen King. Mystery? myself… Ha! You’d be surprised. They were surprisingly realistic… GIRL: Robert Parker. 10 Yes… (Beat.) Book the ticket… No, it’s not impulsive. This feels 10 BOY: Ah! Fantasy? right. Okay?… Okay! I can’t wait either! I love you, too. (Ends call. To BOY/GIRL: Terry Pratchett. himself.) I’m moving to Los Angeles! (Looks off, beaming pleasantly.) BOY: Hey, you want to get out of here? CONSULTANT: (ENTERS carrying a briefcase. Sits next to VICTOR.) Hi, are you Victor? GIRL: Really? (Considers.) Yeah, let’s get out of here. Can we run by HQ so I can pick up my bike? 15 VICTOR: Yes. Can I help you? 15 BOY: HQ? CONSULTANT: I’m here on behalf of the Devil’s Advocates. GIRL: I volunteer at campaign headquarters. VICTOR: Oh, geez. (BLACKOUT.) BOY: No way! You’re a political volunteer? I help people register “A More Perfect Union” to vote! GIRL: This is beyond my wildest dreams. LIGHTS UP on a bistro with two tables, each with two chairs. GIRL 20 BOY: I know, right? sits at one table, alone, waiting for someone. At the next table, with 20 his back to her, sits BOY, alone, also waiting for someone. He drums GIRL: Let’s go. RHQ is just a few blocks away. on the table with his fingers. She plays with a napkin. They’ve been BOY: (Shocked.) Wait. What? RHQ? You’re a Republican? waiting a long time. SERVER approaches GIRL with a pen and pad. GIRL: Of course. SERVER: Are you ready to order yet? BOY: I’m a Democrat. (They stare blankly at each other for a beat, GIRL: Gee, can you give me just, like, five more minutes? 25 then BLACKOUT.) 25 SERVER: You mean another five more minutes? Like the last seven “No Reservations” “five more” minutes-es? GIRL: I’m sure he’s just stuck in traffic. LIGHTS UP on a packed restaurant that has at least five tables. Every SERVER: Uh-huh. table is full with DINERS, save for one. URSULA is one of the DINERS GIRL: He should be here. at a table toward the back. AMBROSE and FELICITY stand impatiently to one side. A haggard WAITPERSON moves through the tables and 30 SERVER: Perhaps you could call him and get an ETA. 30 places water glasses on the open table, then signals OFFSTAGE that GIRL: Thought of that. But I don’t actually have his number. the table is ready. SERVER: Uh-huh. HOST: (From OFFSTAGE. Loudly.) Dufrane, party of two. Your table GIRL: It’s a blind date. is ready. SERVER: Uh-huh. AMBROSE: (Impatiently to WAITPERSON crossing to exit.) Excuse me, 35 GIRL: We met on a dating site. He said he’d be here. 35 we had a reservation— SERVER: Uh-huh. WAITPERSON: I’m sorry, sir. We are just swamped tonight. GIRL: He’ll be here. Can you please bring me some more water while HOST: (OFFSTAGE.) Dufrane! Party of two! I wait?

22 19 For preview only 1 TRIVIAL: Yeah, but Victor’s friend Garrett loves Radiohead, and Victor 1 AMBROSE: (Calling after as WAITPERSON EXITS.) Wait a sec— is a lot more likely to have a good time with his friend by taking him FELICITY: Easy, honey. to a concert on the West Coast. Concerts in Hollywood outnumber AMBROSE: Easy? It’s not right. We had reservations forty-five minutes concerts in the Midwest by an almost four-to-one ratio. ago. I guess we could go somewhere else. 5 INQUISIITVE: Is that a big enough factor to make the move to L.A. 5 FELICITY: I don’t want to go somewhere else. It’s our anniversary, and worth it? I want to eat here, where you proposed to me. (Beat.) I could call EMOTIONAL: No, but Garrett would want Victor to be happy. Deep the babysitter and see if she could stay late. down, Fiona and Garrett will want for Victor what Victor wants HOST: (OFFSTAGE.) Dufrane, party of two! Your table is ready. for Victor. AMBROSE: No, she was very specific. She had to be home by ten. 10 VICTOR: I think I might know what Victor wants for Victor— 10 FELICITY: Yikes. CRITICAL: Quiet, Victor! AMBROSE: If we don’t get seated in the next two minutes, we’ll have CONCRETE: Look, the fact of the matter is Victor can’t climb the to skip dessert and coffee. corporate ladder in L.A. the same way he can here. FELICITY: Oh, I am not going without coffee. VICTOR: I don’t mind quitting my job. AMBROSE: And you know my feelings on dessert. 15 CREATIVE: What if he stayed here, climbed the corporate ladder, but 15 HOST: (OFFSTAGE.) Dufrane, party of two! Your table is ready. Skyped her every day? FELICITY: I wish we were the Dufranes. CRITICAL: Long distance relationships are naïve. They never— AMBROSE: (Beat. Gets a wicked idea.) Why couldn’t we be? It’s not FORE: —pan out. illegal or anything. VICTOR: You’ve all made some good points, but I think I know— FELICITY: Okay, but it’s still wrong. Isn’t it? 20 FORE: —what to do? Please, Victor, let us handle this. 20 AMBROSE: You know what’s wrong? Making people wait forty-five VICTOR: No, I really— minutes when they had a reservation. CONCRETE: He needs to stay. HOST: (OFFSTAGE.) Dufrane! Final call for Dufrane! Party of two. EMOTIONAL: He needs to go! AMBROSE: (Calls out LOUDLY.) We’re the Dufranes! CONCRETE: Stay! FELICITY: Honey! 25 EMOTIONAL: Go! 25 AMBROSE: Dufrane. That’s us! VICTOR: Maybe if I could just— HOST: (ENTERS with two menus and crosses to FELICITY and AMBROSE.) CONCRETE: Stay! Right this way! We have your table ready. (Takes them to the open EMOTIONAL: Go! table, where the COUPLE sits, and hands them the menus.) Here CRITICAL: Stay! we go. Someone will be right over to take your order. (Crosses to 30 30 CREATIVE: Go! whisper in WAITPERSON’S ear with a glance towards AMBROSE and FELICITY. WAITPERSON and HOST EXIT.) INQUISITIVE: Stay! FELICITY: This is so exciting. I feel so… I don’t know. Criminal. TRIVIAL: Go! AMBROSE: I don’t. I feel no guilt whatsoever. I have no reservations… VICTOR: Enough! Thank you for all your insight, but this is a decision because we had reservations. (Raises a water glass.) To us! And a that’ll only downward spiral if all I do is think about it. Listening to 35 perfectly romantic evening. (They clink glasses.) 35 my thoughts isn’t always the smartest option. ROBBER: (Runs ON with a bag in one hand and a weapon in the CONCRETE: How dare you. other and crosses CENTER.) All right! Nobody move! This is a hold- VICTOR: Sometimes, it’s best to go with my gut—not my head. Thank up! (Shouts above the din as DINERS scream and panic.) I want you for your time, but you all can leave now. all phones, jewelry, and wallets in the bag. Now! (Moves around INQUISITIVE: Wait. What’s your decision? 40 the room, forcing people to put stuff in his bag. Ad-libs.) Come

18 23 For preview only 1 on, drop it in the bag. You too, bub. The wallet, in the bag. Nice 1 FORE: —we? We’re your thoughts. necklace. Come on, hurry up. (Etc. While he moves around the VICTOR: My thoughts? room, WAITPERSON rushes IN and crosses to AMBROSE.) CONCRETE: Yes, the actual cognitive processes of your brain. WAITPERSON: Quick! You have to do something. CRITICAL: (Looks harshly at EMOTIONAL.) Well, most of us are. 5 AMBROSE: Me?! What can I do? 5 FORE: We were called upon just a moment ago. We’re here to help WAITPERSON: What do you mean? You’re the chief of police. you navigate this tough decision with Fiona. Plus, we could use the FELICITY: What?! promised free meal. AMBROSE: I am? VICTOR: Free meal? I never— WAITPERSON: Please, Chief Dufrane. (Hauls AMBROSE to his feet FORE: —promised us a free meal? Fiona did. 10 and, using him like a shield, walks to ROBBER.) You’re in trouble 10 CONCRETE: Forty-five seconds ago. now, buddy! INQUISITIVE: Food for thought was mentioned, was it not? ROBBER: Whoa, whoa. What’s this? VICTOR: Oh, um, yeah, I guess Fiona said that. She meant her idea AMBROSE: Hi. (Offers his hand.) I’m Ambrose. was something for me to think about. It was a metaphor. ROBBER: I don’t care. TRIVIAL: Actually, it was an idiom. See, a metaphor requires a comparison— 15 AMBROSE: Yeah, you got a busy night. It’s crazy here, right? 15 CRITICAL: Shut up! No one wants to listen to you. Your voice is ROBBER: Back off, bub! scratchy, and you smell weird. AMBROSE: I’m just wondering if you could wrap up and get on VICTOR: Pardon me. What— your way. FORE: —is it we do? Exactly what any person’s thoughts do. We banter FELICITY: What are you doing? back and forth with each other to help you make all life’s toughest 20 AMBROSE: (Totally clueless.) I’m trying to negotiate. 20 choices. We try to keep away the devil’s advocates. ROBBER: I don’t negotiate. CONCRETE: We cover all the important stuff. Moving out to Los Angeles AMBROSE: No, sure. I get it. Thing is, I’m trying to have a romantic to be with your long-term girlfriend is potentially life-changing. So evening with my wife— trust me, you’re going to want all of us here to hash that out. FELICITY: Hi. EMOTIONAL: So here we go… (To other THOUGHTS, ignoring VICTOR.) 25 Remember a few months ago when Victor promised to build a life 25 AMBROSE: And we have to be home by ten— with Fiona? Not moving with her would be a betrayal! ROBBER: Gimme your wallet. CONCRETE: Yes, but the likelihood of him getting a job in L.A. AMBROSE: My wallet? No, I can’t do that. immediately is incredibly slim. And it’s an expensive city to live in. ROBBER: (Points the weapon at him.) Gimme! TRIVIAL: Don’t get so caught up in the job stuff. It’s impermanent. AMBROSE: Okay… but I’ve got to keep cash for the babysitter. 30 According to recent U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics data, 30 ROBBER: What? retirement fund values have decreased by over twelve percent in FELICITY: Just give him your wallet. just the past decade. AMBROSE: (To FELICITY.) Suzy was really specific that she wanted to FORE: (To TRIVIAL.) But funds and unemployment are going to fluctuate be paid in cash. heavily between now and the time Victor retires. ROBBER: What? Just give me your wallet. 35 EMOTIONAL: On the other hand, Victor can’t leave his friends here. They love him! 35 AMBROSE: I really can’t. VICTOR: Aww, they do? ROBBER: What are you, some kind of hero? CRITICAL: Shh! Nobody likes someone who speaks out of turn. WAITPERSON: No, he’s the chief of police.

24 17 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only “Food For Thought” 1 ROBBER: What?! (Panics, looks around, and grabs URSULA from where she was sitting. URSULA screams. Holds her like a human shield.) 1 LIGHTS UP on a nice restaurant. VICTOR and FIONA sit across from Stay away from me, copper, or the lady gets hurt! each other at a table over a barely eaten piece of chocolate cake. URSULA: Ahhh! (URSULA speaks in some made-up, gibberish language.) They’re loving each other’s presence, but both seem lost in thought. 5 Hobben globben istu fornot. VICTOR: I can’t believe it. Only five days left. ROBBER: What did she say? 5 FIONA: I know, it’s coming so quickly. Less than a week. The next time URSULA: Ribbo tolick verra mika florn! you watch Throne of Shadows will be without me. And vice versa. ROBBER: What is she talking about? VICTOR: You’re going to watch Throne of Shadows without me?! WAITPERSON: (To FELICITY.) Please, Mrs. Dufrane. You’ve got to help. FIONA: That’s what you’re disappointed by? I’m moving thousands of 10 FELICITY: Me? miles away, and your trauma is that I’m not going to be next to you 10 on the couch when Kelvin Steel dies? AMBROSE: Her? VICTOR: Kelvin Steel dies?! WAITPERSON: (Indicates URSULA.) That’s the ambassador to Korpelistan. FIONA: Shoot! I forgot you haven’t read the books. FELICITY: What? VICTOR: (Awkward pause.) I just wish I could come with you. WAITPERSON: You know, the tiny country of Korpelistan? You speak 15 fluent Korpelistanese. FIONA: (After sitting in silence for a moment, takes a visibly warm beat.) 15 Why don’t you? I’ll book the plane ticket. FELICITY: I do? Oh. Right, that’s me. Um, I’m a little rusty. Doesn’t she have a translator? VICTOR: Fiona! WAITPERSON: What do we need a translator for? We have you! FIONA: I’m serious. Do it! The division I’m transferring to has (Shoves FELICITY into the situation.) plenty of openings. You have connections through me. You’d be guaranteed at least an entry- to mid-level spot. Best of all, you’d 20 FELICITY: Um, hi. 20 be with me. And, honestly, I’m not sure that’s something I’ll be URSULA: Ahhh! able to live without. ROBBER: What did she say? VICTOR: Me either. You know I love you. (Beat.) It’s just— FELICITY: She said, “Hiii!” FIONA: I know. URSULA: Diddum silter yabban ve. VICTOR: I— 25 ROBBER: What did she say? 25 FIONA: I know. (The two share a glance, trying to get a read. Finally.) I FELICITY: Uh, she said, “Try the croutons, they’re amazing!” don’t want to create a life without you if I don’t have to. Some food AMBROSE: (Checks his wallet.) Listen, if you let the ambassador go, I for thought is all. (Checks her vibrating phone.) I gotta go. I have can give you sixteen dollars, a punch card for a free yogurt… and that meeting with the movers. You’ll think about it? a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon. VICTOR: I’ll think about it. (They kiss and FIONA EXITS. As she does, 30 ROBBER: (Notices URSULA’S earrings.) These are nice earrings. Tell 30 CONCRETE, CREATIVE, CRITICAL, EMOTIONAL, FORE, INQUISITIVE, her to take them off and give them to me. and TRIVIAL ENTER, wearing labeled T-shirts. These are literally FELICITY: Um— VICTOR’S THOUGHTS, and they gather around VICTOR.) ROBBER: Tell her! EMOTIONAL: Oh, Victor, baby! How you feeling? FELICITY: (Makes up gibberish.) Urgin polive stata nonga. INQUISITIVE: Why the long face? Did you miss us? How was the salmon? 35 URSULA: Zeg? 35 CRITICAL: It looked drier than British comedy. FELICITY: Stata nonga. CREATIVE: He should have tried it with the balsamic. That would have added flavor. URSULA: Zeg?! VICTOR: (Shocked.) Who are— AMBROSE/FELICITY: Stata nonga! (URSULA takes off her shoe.) ROBBER: Not the shoe. The earrings!

16 25 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 FELICITY: They’re both accessories! Just take the win, man. (URSULA 1 DALE: I think goat cheese and romaine do it justice. whacks the ROBBER over her shoulder with the shoe.) EVAN: Liar! Those Ivy League health nuts infected your brain these ROBBER: Tell her to stop it. past four years. Got you hooked on expensive diet foods. FELICITY: Uh… Hobble jawink! (URSULA whacks faster.) DALE: This was my choice. Columbia had nothing to do with it. 5 ROBBER: Not faster! Tell her to stop. 5 JACKSON: Pssh! Likely story. FELICITY: Fl… Fleeglick. EVAN: But, I mean, come on! Do you think the people at that fancy URSULA: Zeg? new job you just got are going to like the guy who brings his own FELICITY: She… She thinks there’s a bee on her! vegetables for lunch? AMBROSE: Look, buddy— (Takes a step toward ROBBER, who pulls DALE: I don’t think they’ll find it relevant. I think they’ll like me for me. 10 URSULA tighter, nearly choking her.) 10 JACKSON: Keep that spirit up. Construction guys give you crap just for ROBBER: Stay away, copper. eating fruit. They say guys in their twenties shouldn’t worry about their diet. AMBROSE: (To FELICITY.) You want to just get our food to go? EVAN: And they’re right. My metabolism is at its peak. Why would I URSULA: Argh! (Grabs her heart and staggers around in comic pain.) make it step down from the top of the hill before it needs to? WAITPERSON: She’s having a heart attack! 15 DALE: So why’d you go into that career anyway? 15 AMBROSE: This is not the evening I had planned. EVAN: Construction? WAITPERSON: Dufrane! Do something. DALE: No, undercover birthday clowning. Yes, of course, construction. AMBROSE: What, you want me to arrest her? Last time I was here you said it was boring, and only part-time. WAITPERSON: Not you. Doctor Dufrane. (Points at FELICITY.) You’ve both got degrees in economics now. Didn’t you want your FELICITY: What?! I’m a doctor now? 20 first jobs to be something you could rise up the ranks with? And 20 AMBROSE: Um… do the Heimlich. what about moving to Boston? FELICITY: That’s for choking! EVAN: Eh, we just finished undergrad. There will always be time for that. Construction’s easy money. When it stops being easy, I’ll look AMBROSE: (Thinks.) Ooh, do the zappy thing with the paddles. for something else. FELICITY: Does it look like I have a zappy thing?! 25 DALE: It’s here, though. Don’t you want to move away? AMBROSE: Don’t yell at me! I’m trying to help. (URSULA sinks to the EVAN: Eventually. No real reason to right now. Especially while my 25 floor. ROBBER kneels at her side.) How about CPR? parents are paying my rent. FELICITY: I don’t know how to do CPR! JACKSON: (Nods.) Couldn’t have said it better myself. AMBROSE: But we saw it on that episode of “Law and Order”! CARLA: (ENTERS.) How are we doing over here? FELICITY: That’s televis— 30 EVAN: Man, those triple cheeseburgers were great! Can we get two WAITPERSON: (To FELICITY.) Wait… you’re not a doctor? (The room chili fries now, please? 30 FREEZES. ALL glare at AMBROSE and FELICITY.) CARLA: You boys came with quite an appetite today! FELICITY: Uhhh… JACKSON: Some of us did. WAITPERSON: (To AMBROSE.) And you don’t seem like the chief EVAN: Go big or go home! of police. 35 JACKSON: And refills on the Coke, please. AMBROSE: Ummm… CARLA: (To DALE.) Do you want anything else? 35 WAITPERSON: Hey! You’re not the Dufranes! (AMBROSE and FELICITY look at each other. Beat. They turn and run OFF.) They stole the DALE: Nah, I’m good with my salad. Dufrane’s reservation! (DINERS gasp and “ooh” in disapproval.) EVAN: (Teases.) You are such a wuss. (Lifts his glass.) Hey, to life! (They clink glasses in a toast. BLACKOUT.)

26 15

For preview only 1 STEVE: It’s on the dessert menu. 1 HOST: (ENTERS.) Well, we’ve got an empty table. Dufrane! Party of KAREN: You can have it as a main dish if you’d like. two? Dufrane? JANET: Really? ROBBER/URSULA: (ROBBER takes off his mask, and URSULA sits up, KAREN: Lots of people do. But can I tell you a secret? (Looks around, suddenly.) We’re the Dufranes. (BLACKOUT.) 5 then leans in confidentially.) I shouldn’t tell you this, but you can “Salad Days” make that at home. JANET: How do you make it? Part Three KAREN: You go home, open the cupboard and take out whatever you have. Throw it in a pot over medium heat for about an hour, and 5 LIGHTS UP on the “Salad Days” diner. EVAN, JACKSON, and DALE are in their usual seats at the same table. Now in their young thirties, 10 then just be grateful for what you have. they are wearing tuxedos. All their outfits are plush, but EVAN’S is the JANET: That sounds deceptively easy. fanciest of them all. EVAN and JACKSON have half-full glasses of Coke KAREN: I know. That’s why most people don’t even try it at home. in front of them. DALE has a glass of water. STEVE: Well, we will. 10 JACKSON: (To the tune of “Here Comes the Bride.”) Da, da, da, da! JANET: We’ll try that tonight. DALE: (Continues the song.) Da, da, da, da! 15 KAREN: Excellent. EVAN: Pretty sure that’s her entrance song. STEVE: Thank you for your help. DALE: I know. We’re preparing you for this afternoon. KAREN: Sure. So, have you made up your minds? JACKSON: It’d be embarrassing if you didn’t know how to sing along. JANET: (Shares a look and a nod with STEVE.) I think I’ll just have a 15 EVAN: “Here Comes the Bride” isn’t exactly a karaoke tune. double cheeseburger and fries. JACKSON: Not with that attitude, it’s not. 20 STEVE: That sounds perfect. Two double cheeseburgers and fries. DALE: I still can’t believe it. I’m so happy for you. KAREN: Excellent choice. (BLACKOUT.) EVAN: Thanks, Dale! Is marriage everything they say it is? “Salad Days” DALE: And more. Are you staying in your apartment after the honeymoon? 20 EVAN: No, actually. We just bought a house in Shelton. Part Two DALE: Awesome! LIGHTS UP on the “Salad Days” diner. EVAN, DALE, and JACKSON sit JACKSON: Cheers to that! (They clink glasses.) in the same places at the same table, now four years older. JACKSON DALE: But wait. Shelton? Like, twenty-minutes-away Shelton? What and EVAN have glasses of Coke and finished plates in front of them. happened to moving to Boston? 25 DALE chomps contently on a half-eaten salad. He has a glass of water. 25 EVAN: Eh. Old pipe dream. JACKSON: Dale, I think I speak for both of us when I say I don’t know DALE: Pipe dream? It’s all you ever talked about from six to twenty- how you do it. one years old. Quick! Sullivan Square to Brigham Circle—what’s EVAN: Amen. the fastest route? DALE: Do what? EVAN: (On autopilot.) Take the Orange Line southbound toward Forest 30 JACKSON: Eat that. 30 Hills to Haymarket Station and then follow the Green Line. (Snaps DALE: This? Usually with my fork. Although there was this one time at out of it. To DALE.) I hate you. Besides, a lot has changed. the Chinese restaurant— DALE: But a lot hasn’t. You love her, but you still want out of here. I EVAN: That’s not what I mean! Why the heck would you want a salad can see it in your eyes. (To JACKSON.) Yours, too. right now? We’re celebrating finishing college and you getting your JACKSON: That’s probably the caffeine. I had a rainbow marshmallow 35 first real job! You’re moving up in life! Don’t you want something 35 chocolate iced coffee with whipped cream this morning. that rightfully honors that? DALE: Why do you drink those?

14 27 For preview only 1 JACKSON: I need the pick-me-up. 1 KAREN: Sorry. We have a strict “no substitutes” policy. DALE: There’s black coffee. Way healthier. JANET: Really? JACKSON: I don’t want my pick-me-up to taste like a bitter old man. KAREN: Yeah, do you still want it? CARLA: (ENTERS, the same in most ways, but now around 40 years JANET: Gee, I’m not sure now. 5 old.) Why, hello there, gentleman! You all look so dashing. (Takes 5 STEVE: This is tougher than I thought. out her pen and pad.) What can I get you? JANET: I know, right? EVAN: Quadruple cheeseburger, please! A special meal for a special KAREN: Do you need some time? I can come back. Or I can tell you day. (CARLA writes the order down.) about our special. DALE: Are you sure about that? The photoshoot’s in ninety minutes, JANET: Ooh, the special, please. 10 and your stomach’s going to be aching on the dance floor. 10 KAREN: Well, you came on a good night. We don’t present this very EVAN: Eh, I have the rest of my life to eat healthy. often. It’s our chef’s signature dish. CARLA: (To JACKSON.) And for you? STEVE: Sounds exciting. JACKSON: If the groom wants it, the best man follows lockstep. I’ll KAREN: Yes. We’re very proud of it. It’s A Life Without Fear. have what he’s having. JANET: No way. 15 DALE: (Off CARLA’S stare.) I’m just the officiant in from out of town, so 15 STEVE: Seriously? A Life Without Fear? the usual for me. KAREN: And it’s exactly what it sounds like. You get to experience zero CARLA: (Writes it down.) A house salad. Romaine. Goat cheese. fear from this day forward. EVAN: Dude, you never change. I can’t believe you. Live a little! STEVE: (Looks to JANET to confirm. To KAREN.) Two of those, please. DALE: (Picks up glass.) Hey, to life! (They clink glasses in a toast. KAREN: Well, before you order, I have to tell you it’s our most 20 LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) 20 expensive dish. “Memory Lane” STEVE: Well, you only live once, right? We’ll splurge. Just put it on my credit card. LIGHTS UP on a fast-food joint. DAD, now 75 years old, sits at a table, KAREN: Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. I should’ve explained. This is our special. looking sort of blank. FRANKLIN, now in his 40s, ENTERS with a tray of You can’t pay for that with cash or credit. We require another form burgers, fries, and drinks, and sits. 25 of payment. FRANKLIN: Here we go, Dad. Double cheeseburger and fries. (DAD JANET: Like what? 25 looks at him blankly.) I got you your own fries ’cause you always say you don’t want them, and then end up stealing all of mine. KAREN: This dish requires all of your compassion and half of your love. Remember? (But DAD doesn’t. FRANKLIN continues, trying to spark JANET: What?! some kind of memory.) That was like your thing. Fry stealing. Like JANET: Half our love? when you told us we were moving. Remember? Or right after Lilly 30 STEVE: Our love for each other? Or can it just be like, “my love for 30 was born and you took me to lunch? And you said just ’cause I had matching ties and socks”? a new sister didn’t mean you loved me any less. That I was still KAREN: All love, I’m afraid. your “sunshine.” And then you sang “You Are My Sunshine” while JANET: I don’t know, Steve. We’ve been best friends since we were you ate all my fries. Remember? children. I don’t want to lose any of that. DAD: Lilly? 35 STEVE: Me neither. Think we’ll pass. 35 FRANKLIN: Yeah, Lilly. You remember Lilly. JANET: (Pores over the menu.) Now I don’t know what to get. DAD: Of course I remember my own daughter. STEVE: Me either. (Continues looking.) Let’s see… Let’s see… Ooh. FRANKLIN: (Relieved.) That’s good, Dad. That’s great. Maybe those Contentment? They have Contentment. new meds are finally working. JANET: Where do you see that?

28 13 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 STEVE: I planned ahead. 1 DAD: How is Lilly? JANET: I heard they have, like, everything here. Thank you for this. I FRANKLIN: Oh, she’s good, Dad. She’s real good. love you so much for bringing me here. DAD: Is that Anderson boy still bothering her? STEVE: This place is going to change everything. FRANKLIN: What? 5 JANET: Everything? 5 DAD: Pulling her hair and stealing her lunch. I want to call that boy’s STEVE: Everything. father, but your mother won’t let me. KAREN: (ENTERS carrying two giant menus with “Life” in big, legible FRANKLIN: (Crushed again.) Oh, Dad. letters on the front. She’s all smiles.) Hi. Welcome to Life. DAD: If that Anderson boy does it one more time, I don’t care what STEVE: (Excited.) Life. your mother says— 10 JANET: (More excited.) Life! 10 FRANKLIN: Dad, that was in kindergarten. KAREN: I’m Karen, I’ll be taking care of you tonight. DAD: No excuse. That boy needs some manners. STEVE: Hi, Karen. FRANKLIN: Dad. That was thirty-two years ago. KAREN: Have you two been here before? DAD: What? JANET: No, this is our first time. FRANKLIN: Lilly’s all grown up now. Remember? She’s living in 15 STEVE: Been waiting for over six months. 15 Australia with her husband and two kids. Your grandkids. KAREN: I know, it’s crazy! Seems everybody wants to come here. DAD: What? (Hands them the menus.) Why don’t you take a moment to look at FRANKLIN: Your grandkids, Dad. You’ve got to remember your grandkids? our menus, and I’ll answer any questions you might have. DAD: What are you talking about? JANET: (Eagerly flips through menu.)Oh, I told you they have everything. FRANKLIN: Tommy and Shelia. I have a picture. (Pulls out his phone 20 STEVE: I don’t even know where to start. 20 to bring up the pictures.) KAREN: Yes, it can be a little overwhelming at first. We like to suggest DAD: You must be confused. We’ll talk to your mother when we you start small. Something like Seasonal Good Health or A Good get home. Night’s Rest. You know, just as an appetizer. FRANKLIN: Dad. JANET: (Points to the menu.) Steve, look! They have Purity and Innocence. DAD: She’s much better with dates. 25 STEVE: Oh, you totally have to have Purity and Innocence. 25 FRANKLIN: Dad. JANET: I haven’t had that in, like, forever. Ooh, and it’s not too expensive. DAD: But she’s wrong about that Anderson boy. STEVE: Money is no object tonight. FRANKLIN: Dad! Mom’s dead. She died twelve years ago. JANET: I love you. (To KAREN.) I’ll start with the Purity and Innocence. DAD: What? KAREN: I’m sorry. That’s part of our children’s menu. (Points to the FRANKLIN: (Puts down his phone, reaches across the table and takes 30 menu.) You have to be under seven years old to order that. 30 DAD’S hands.) I know you’re scared, Dad. I know it hurts, but we’ll JANET: Aww. Really? get through this. We’ve done it before. Many times before. KAREN: I’m afraid so. The chef says it just doesn’t keep. DAD: Your mother…? JANET: Well, I don’t know what I want then. Steve, you go ahead. FRANKLIN: Went so peacefully, Dad. And you were so strong. You STEVE: (Points to the menu.) Janet, look! They have Ambition. were like a rock. You planned the whole funeral. Every detail. From 35 JANET: Ooh, I’d like that. One order of Ambition, please. 35 the eulogy to the minister to the dress she wore. KAREN: Good choice. DAD: The blue one with the daisies. JANET: But I’d like to change the sides. Instead of Selfishness and FRANKLIN: Yes. I knew you remembered. Cynicism, can I get Altruism and Optimism? DAD: She loved that dress. FRANKLIN: Her favorite.

12 29 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 DAD: And the minister. 1 CLARK: I wanted this date to go perfect. I’ve wanted to ask you out FRANKLIN: I know! for months. I guess I was just nervous. DAD: Kept calling her Delores. AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He wanted to ask me out for, like, months. FRANKLIN: And you got so mad, you pushed him to a chair and took He must really, really like me! Wait. Why was he nervous to ask 5 me out? (To CLARK.) Why were you nervous? Am I intimidating 5 over the service yourself. or something? DAD: I think he was drunk. CLARK: No, not at all. FRANKLIN: Totally plastered. (They laugh at the memory.) AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He doesn’t find me intimidating? What’s up DAD: He smelled of whiskey. with that? (To CLARK.) You think I’m weak? You think I’m some FRANKLIN: And peppermints. 10 kind of pushover? 10 DAD: It was a good service. CLARK: No, not at all. FRANKLIN: The best. Lilly and I were a mess, but you were so strong. AMY: Oh, so what, some kind of harpy, then? (Beat.) I really need you to be strong again, Dad. Right now. We’ve CLARK: (Jolts as though he’s just received a phone notification.) Just a got to do something that’s very… very hard. We have one more sec, let me check this text. (Pulls out his phone.) funeral to plan. (Pulls out a pen and a big envelope with papers in 15 AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He’s looking at his texts? Who’d be texting him 15 it. Spreads the papers in front of DAD.) now? Unless it’s his buddies, checking up on how the date’s going. DAD: Not now. He must really… But look at his face. He’s not smiling. Why is he FRANKLIN: Has to be now, Dad. so serious? Am I not fun? Did he just say I’m not fun? Maybe it’s DAD: No. not his friends. Maybe it’s his ex-girlfriend. They broke up, like, FRANKLIN: We don’t have a lot of time. My life is crazy right now, and 20 three months ago. Maybe that’s the three-month thing where he 20 I don’t know when I’ll talk to you again. was trying to work it out with her and couldn’t and moved on to DAD: No— his second choice. Well, nobody calls me “second choice.” What if I’m not second choice? What if he only went out with me to make FRANKLIN: Yes, Dad! (Softens.) I need you to rock up for me. I need her jealous? Then I’m just a pawn. A tool. (CLARK laughs lightly that strong Dad right now. Can you do that? (DAD nods. FRANKLIN 25 and sends a text.) He’s laughing now? It’s a secret joke? I’m just hands him the pen and points from one paper to the next.) It’s all some sort of secret joke? I don’t have to sit here and listen to 25 here. I’ve already signed everything. I just want you to confirm that this! Forget it, I never liked him that much anyway. (Gets up and you understand. Okay? (DAD nods and signs.) Cremation. Right? storms OFF.) (Another nod and signature.) And the ashes will be buried up near Mom, right? CLARK: (Still stares at his phone.) Hey, my sister just had her baby. 30 Want to see some pictures? (Looks up and realizes she’s gone.) DAD: I don’t want to— Hello? Amy? 30 FRANKLIN: Right?! (Another nod. DAD signs the paper.) The house will HOSTESS: (ENTERS.) Okay, we finally got the sound system fixed. go to Lilly. CLARK: I’m sorry, did you say something? (BLACKOUT.) DAD: Where is your sister? She should be here for this. FRANKLIN: She couldn’t make it today, Dad. Now, if Lilly doesn’t “Life” want the house, I have a realtor in here who can help sell it. 35 Okay? The money will go right into Lilly’s account. Okay? I need LIGHTS UP on a nice restaurant. STEVE and JANET sit at the table, you to say okay. 35 looking around in awe. DAD: Okay. STEVE: Wow, this place is even nicer than everyone said. FRANKLIN: Good. And we want a nice service. JANET: I can’t believe you got a reservation here. DAD: Like your mother’s. STEVE: I know. 40 FRANKLIN: Absolutely. JANET: It’s, like, a six-month waiting list.

30 11 For preview only 1 DALE: Just a house salad, thanks. 1 DAD: But without the drunk minister. JACKSON: Come on, dude, live a little. FRANKLIN: Heck no, not him. DALE: What? I just want a salad. My body’s a temple. DAD: He was so drunk. EVAN: Hey, man, even churches have socials. Today is not a day to be FRANKLIN: The rest is mostly legal stuff. I have a lawyer who’ll handle 5 good. It’s a day to eat, drink, and be merry. (Lifts his Coke.) To life! 5 all that. (Puts the papers back in the envelope and sticks it in (They clink glasses in a toast. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) DAD’S jacket, which he pats lovingly.) And don’t be scared, Dad. The nurses will take really good care of you. “The Girl Filter” DAD: I know. LIGHTS UP on a café. CLARK and AMY ENTER. They take a moment to FRANKLIN: Okay. look around. 10 DAD: Okay. CLARK: Here we are. FRANKLIN: Okay. 10 AMY: Wow, this place is amazing. (To AUDIENCE.) He asked me on a DAD: What are we doing for Thanksgiving this year? date. I think he likes me. FRANKLIN: (Pained, he closes his eyes and musters all of his courage.) HOSTESS: (ENTERS.) Hi, guys. Welcome. Where would you like to sit? You are going to be on your own this year, Dad. Maybe some hottie CLARK: Um, where do you want to sit? 15 at the nursing home will invite you— AMY: (To CLARK.) Anywhere is fine. (To AUDIENCE.) He cares where I DAD: We always spend Thanksgiving together. 15 want to sit. I think he likes me. FRANKLIN: I know, Dad. But I won’t be here this year. (Long beat.) My HOSTESS: How’s this table right here? (Seats them.) Gloria will be your cancer came back. It’s bad this time. (Forces himself to smile and server tonight. She’ll be right with you. And I apologize, but we’re be strong, then points to the envelope in DAD’S jacket.) But you having a little trouble with the acoustics in here. 20 hold on to that, and you’ll know what to do when the time comes. CLARK: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that. DAD: I’ll give it to your mother. She’s much better with these things. 20 AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He made a joke. He’s trying to be funny. I think FRANKLIN: Okay, Dad. Okay. Well, you ready to go? (FRANKLIN stands, he likes me. but DAD just points to the fries.) HOSTESS: We just had a new sound system put in, and they’re still DAD: You going to eat your fries? working out the bugs. 25 FRANKLIN: (Sits.) No, I’m not. CLARK: What kind of bugs? DAD: (Eats some of FRANKLIN’S fries.) They have good fries here. 25 HOSTESS: There’s a problem with the filter. What boys say and what FRANKLIN: The best. (They share some fries. After a moment, DAD girls hear are sometimes two different things. I’ll send Gloria starts to sing softly, almost absent-mindedly.) right over. DAD: You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. (With a bittersweet CLARK: I hope this restaurant is okay. You come here a lot already. 30 smile, FRANKLIN joins in.) AMY: Okay? Are you kidding? This is my favorite! BOTH: (Sing.) You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never 30 CLARK: I know. know, dear, how much I love you… (LIGHTS start to fade.) AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He knows it’s my favorite. I think he likes me. DAD: Please don’t take… (LIGHTS get dimmer.) …my sunshine away. (Beat.) Wait… how did he know? Has he been stalking me? (To (LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) CLARK.) How did you know it was my favorite? CLARK: I asked Veronica. She said you come here all the time. 35 AMY: (To AUDIENCE.) He asked my best friend. I think he likes me. But why was he talking to Veronica? Does he want to ask Veronica out?

10 31 For preview only “The Price You Pay” 1 EVAN: Hey, I bombed the test because I didn’t want to study. And you didn’t do much better, so don’t act so tall and mighty. Your horse 1 LIGHTS UP on a school cafeteria. A group of GIRLS—JAMIE, LORNA, is an inch above mine, not a mile. and VIOLET—are gathered around a table, all giggling and talking. DALE: High and mighty. DELANEY ENTERS and approaches the table. 5 JACKSON: What? DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) This is the table for the most popular kids DALE: The phrase is “high and mighty,” not tall and mighty. 5 in school. If you are accepted here, then you are in with “The Crowd.” Okay, maybe it’s a little expensive, but it’s just the price EVAN: Does everyone talk like that at Columbia? you pay. All it costs you is your self-esteem. And who really needs DALE: I don’t know. I’ll get back to you at fall break. (CARLA ENTERS that anyway? Seriously? Sometimes people tell me— carrying a pen and pad.) JAMIE: (To DELANEY.) You are so pretty. I’m serious. You’re so lucky 10 CARLA: Why, hello, former Tritons! A hearty congratulations to you 10 to be so beautiful. boys! I’m Carla, your waitress. Can I start you off with some drinks? DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) And I think maybe I am pretty. But I know DALE: Just a water for me. what they’re really saying is… EVAN: I’ll have a Coke. The real thing. Diet’s for vegans and cowards. JAMIE: (To OTHERS.) Oh, she is so vain. Do you know how much she JACKSON: (Gestures to EVAN.) I’ll have the same as him. Hey, how’d spends on hair products alone? She probably takes three hours 15 you figure out the Triton thing? 15 just to get ready in the morning. Like, who’s she trying to impress? CARLA: I was one of you, just seven years ago. “Rulers of the sea, DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) Nobody. So I tend not to wear makeup and we’ll always be!” I’ll be right back. (Smiles and EXITS.) stuff. I mean, who needs that anyway? Right? And I’m not dumb. EVAN: (Stares at CARLA as she leaves.) Sad. I mean, I’m no Stephen Hawking, but I learn things pretty quickly. DALE: What? LORNA: (To DELANEY.) Did you make the dean’s list again? 20 EVAN: Could you imagine being like that? 20 DELANEY: (Timid.) Yeah. DALE: Like what? LORNA: You go, girl. EVAN: You know, someone who stays in this tiny town, working a job DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) But then, word gets back that— at the local burger joint until retirement, not striving to do any LORNA: (To OTHERS.) You know she’s cheating. Her parents probably better in life. That’ll never be me. I’m getting out of here as soon do all her homework for her. (GIRLS giggle evilly. Mimics.) “Look at 25 as I can. 25 me, I’m little Miss Perfect.” DALE: Oh, yeah? Then, why’d you turn down going to Boston DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) So I don’t try my hardest anymore. I get a College, man? three-point-two. JACKSON: Yeah. Now that’s a city. LORNA: (Suddenly best friends with DELANEY.) Me too! Isn’t Mr. EVAN: I’d have to do work-study to cover tuition there. And I don’t Dormer, like, the lamest ever? 30 want to have to work in college. College is a time to party, relax, 30 DELANEY: (Acts dumber now.) Duh. He’s so totally lame. explore… A job is too much responsibility. LORNA: I know, right? JACKSON: Well, at least you’ll have me with you at State! DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) My mom’s got a beautiful voice, and I EVAN: Dude, totally! And once we graduate, we’re getting out of here! love to sing. I’ve been doing it since I was six. I love it more The world is ours! (EVAN and JACKSON high-five.) than anything. 35 CARLA: (ENTERS with drinks and passes them out.) Two Cokes and a 35 VIOLET: (To DELANEY.) You have the most amazing voice. water. Are we ready for our post-grad meal orders? (Takes out pen DELANEY: Thank you. and pad.) VIOLET: I’d give anything to sing like you. Anything. EVAN: You bet! A cheeseburger for me! Actually, make it a double DELANEY: Thank you. (To AUDIENCE.) But— cheeseburger. Chili cheese fries. Chocolate shake. 40 JACKSON: Same!

32 9 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 future… I, as your father, will never let… stone golems steal the… 1 VIOLET: (To OTHERS.) Does she ever shut up? I mean if you got it, autumn leaves in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. flaunt it, but give me a break. It’s a fine line between being talented DAUGHTER: (Beat. Truly touched.) Thanks, Dad! and being a show-off. HUSBAND: (Confused by the whole transaction, but recognizing that DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) So I just try to sing when I’m alone. But 5 it’s working, turns to WIFE.) And you, my sun and moon… I will pour 5 I feel like I’m pretty outgoing. I think I’m fun to be around, and I cherry Kool-Aid on any… mongoose?... with a 401(k) from now always see the best in people, which means— until the… thirsty spring solstice of the eternal pyramid scheme. BRIAN: (ENTERS and crosses to DELANEY.) Hey, Delaney, you want to WAITRESS/DAUGHTER: Aww! go out Friday night? WIFE: (Kisses HUSBAND, grateful.) Thank you. That’s all I needed DELANEY: Sure. 10 to hear. 10 BRIAN: Sweet. SON: Nice job, Dad! (Sotto voce.) What’d you say? (HUSBAND shrugs.) JAMIE: (To OTHERS.) Look who’s got another date. WAITRESS: Well, okay then, I’ll get those orders out as soon as I can. LORNA: I hear she’s dated every boy in school. (Briskly turns away and starts toward COOK.) VIOLET: Totally. DAUGHTER: Oh, real quick! DELANEY: (To AUDIENCE.) So… you learn to go with the flow. (To 15 WAITRESS: (Stops and turns back to the table.) Oh, yeah, I didn’t get 15 BRIAN.) Actually, sorry, but I don’t date. (Makes an “L” for “loser” your order yet. I’m so sorry! on her forehead with her thumb and forefinger. GIRLS giggle and DAUGHTER: No worries, I’ll just have what my mom’s having. surround her. BRIAN walks OFF, defeated. Surrounded by a gaggle WAITRESS: (Makes a note as she calls out.) Now there’s a shard in of friends, to AUDIENCE.) Looks, brains, talent, and personality the other leg! don’t mean as much as being part of “The Crowd.” This is better. 20 (Looks at OTHERS.) Yeah, this is a lot better. (ALL giggle and 20 DAUGHTER: Can I also get an alternative scenario to the 1713 laugh. BLACKOUT.) European Treaty of Utrecht when Hapsburg King Charles II doesn’t fail, and in this universe can he, after victory, give up sovereignty “Decision Day” to become a belly dancer in one of the former Asian dynasties? WAITRESS: Of course! (Calls to COOK.) One water! (BLACKOUT.) LIGHTS UP on a small family restaurant. RIVER, a slightly nerdy and high-achieving kid, sits at a table with a drink in front of her. She taps “Salad Days” her feet, excited and nervous, constantly refreshing her phone. At a 25 table nearby, a WOMAN looks at a menu. A matronly RESTAURANT Part One OWNER comes by RIVER’S table with a sandwich. OWNER: Here’s your PBJ on wheat. (RIVER doesn’t respond.) You 25 LIGHTS UP on a diner. New high school graduates EVAN, JACKSON, and DALE sit at a table together, still wearing their graduation gowns and okay, dear? mortarboards. They are beaming. They have menus in front of them. RIVER: (Snaps out of it.) It’s college decision day. Nearly every EVAN: Dudes, today is a good day! 30 university worth their salt comes out with letters today telling every high school senior across the country whether they’re worth JACKSON: A great day! it or not. (Beat. Panicked.) Am I worth it? 30 EVAN: Sweet! OWNER: You certainly seem like it to me. I’ve never seen someone JACKSON: Awesome! this excited for a letter. EVAN: Rad! 35 RIVER: Oh, you’re sweet, but I promise it’s not excitement. It’s stress. JACKSON: Amazing! By the pound. Yale’s response came back early—last week— EVAN: In...? Su…? Ba…? Shoot! I’ve run out of positive adjectives. telling me I wasn’t worth it. 35 JACKSON: No wonder you got such a low SAT score. That’s all the OWNER: Oh, well. What does Yale know? synonyms in your vocab?

8 33 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 RIVER: How to discover the potential energy for chemical reactions 1 WAITRESS: (To WIFE.) Is he like this at home? responsible for so many things in the past century, from chemistry WIFE: More than a mouse with a dairy-free egg muffin breakfast sandwich. to technology to this country’s major victory in World War II. HUSBAND: Wait… I’m what? OWNER: Besides that? WAITRESS: Same here with my guy. They never listen! They keep 5 RIVER: How to revolutionize the American law circuit, providing— 5 hanging yarn on the monkeys when all we really want— OWNER: Never mind. Did you even want to go to Yale? WAITRESS/WIFE: Is for them to water the fichus and make sure the RIVER: My dad wanted me to. He said I’d be a great lawyer. My Tibetan singing bowl doesn’t crack! mom somewhat disagreed, saying I’d be better in business… WIFE: Exactly! but then again, who goes to Yale for business? That’s a Harvard HUSBAND: I’m so confused. 10 thing—or UPenn. 10 WIFE: (Angry.) Of course you are. OWNER: Do you agree with your mom? WAITRESS: That’s what they all say! RIVER: I mean, I guess I could learn to love business. HUSBAND: What who all say? Men? Is this some kind of female OWNER: Well, sweetie, you shouldn’t have to learn to love anything. secret language? What makes you happy? DAUGHTER: (Growing embarrassed.) Dad, what’s wrong with you? 15 RIVER: (Pause.) I’m good at political science. That’s why I applied to 15 WIFE: There’s no need to be sexist. Berkeley—great PoliSci department. HUSBAND: I’m not! I just want to understand! OWNER: Do you like political science? DAUGHTER: Ugh. And now you’re raising your voice! RIVER: My career counselor says I’d be a great college athlete, too. I’ve been playing tennis for four years. Some of my fallback schools WIFE: You tell him, sweetie! 20 have already offered me half scholarships. WAITRESS: Preach! (To DAUGHTER.) You’re getting to that age. Do you OWNER: Do you like playing tennis? 20 have any guys in your life like this? RIVER: The person who helped me with my college essays says— DAUGHTER: Eww, yeah. When my date for winter formal, Brandon, came over and my dad took pictures, Brandon told me the lipstick OWNER: You know, you keep telling me about what other people want on the elephant could barely even fit into the leather satchel. for you. But what do you want for you? WIFE: (Along with WAITRESS, looks horrified.)And your father didn’t 25 RIVER: I want to get into a great school. 25 say anything to him? (To HUSBAND.) You didn’t say anything to OWNER: For…? him? Do you understand what example you’re setting for your RIVER: To get my degree. children by not saying anything about that?! OWNER: In…? HUSBAND: I don’t understand what that is! Or what this is! RIVER: Whatever that school is best suited for. WIFE: Apologize to your daughter! 30 OWNER: It sounds like you just want to get into schools to make other 30 HUSBAND: Courtney, I’m sorry, truly, for whatever it is I did. people proud of you. But do you know what you want yet? WIFE: Whatever it is you did? You don’t even know what you did RIVER: Am I supposed to? wrong? I can’t believe you! (They sit in silence for a moment, angry. OWNER: Heavens, no, but… (Changes tactics.) You’ve toured these HUSBAND looks like a deer in the headlights.) schools, right? HUSBAND: (Sotto voce to SON.) Do you understand what’s going on? 35 RIVER: Right. There are pros and cons to each campus. See, 35 SON: (Whispers back.) I think you should just play along. Washington U has the best— HUSBAND: (Pauses to consider his options. After gaining composure, OWNER: Forget about that. Which one made you the happiest? gambles with a phrase.) Courtney, I’m sorry… for not letting… the RIVER: I… (Pause. Truly thinks about it for the first time.) …I clothes hanger?... play its… jazz solo?... with… the mafia boss? guess Georgetown. (Gains confidence as DAUGHTER’S expression changes.) And in the

34 7 For preview only 1 WAITRESS: (Makes quick note of this on pad.) All yours, champ! (To 1 OWNER: Why? COOK.) I need three bronze trophies sinking into the Caspian Sea RIVER: I liked the people I met. It was in an area I loved. I felt… at four p.m. on an autumn afternoon. (To MOM.) What about you? at home. What can I— OWNER: Then it’s settled. You’re rooting for Georgetown. We’re rooting 5 HUSBAND: Okay, but wait. 5 for Georgetown. That’s the one. WAITRESS: What is it, sir? RIVER: But what if I don’t get in? HUSBAND: You said this lingo made things easier. OWNER: Then you don’t get in. You said you have fallbacks. What do WAITRESS: Right. you have to lose? HUSBAND: How did what you just said shorten his order? He asked RIVER: Well, now my dream of Georgetown. (Beat.) This was a lot 10 for pancakes with syrup, not the answer to the square root of pi. 10 easier when I didn’t know what I wanted. COOK: (Calls to WAITRESS.) Did that guy just say he wanted turkey OWNER: When you didn’t know what you wanted, you were stressed bacon, too? about everything. Now you only have to worry about one. You know WAITRESS: (Calls back.) No! He was being facetious. (To HUSBAND.) what you want, not what others want for you. And trust me, I’m no Look, I don’t write the jargon. It’s existed here for years. It’s just Yale grad, not even a college grad. But I do know that doing things 15 easier to say for us. 15 just because other people want you to is not worth it. So… good HUSBAND: Right, but you’re actually making these orders longer and luck. (Crosses to take WOMAN’S order. RIVER takes a bite of her more complex than they need— sandwich and refreshes her phone again.) COOK: Is that guy ordering breakfast or asking for stock shares? RIVER: (To herself.) Georgetown is up. (Reads.) I… got in? I got in?! Come on! Oh my gosh, I got in! I got in! I’m worth it! I’m worth it! I’m worth it! 20 All my worries are gone! This is the greatest day of my life! (Stands 20 WIFE: Sweetie, it’s not worth the fight. on the table, shouting in glee, spitting out crumbs of the bite she HUSBAND: Fine. still hasn’t swallowed.) Everything is perfect! What a glorious time! WIFE: I’ll have the yogurt parfait with a decaf latte. This! Is! Pure! Ecstasy! WAITRESS: (Jots this down and calls to COOK.) A porcelain-crusted WOMAN: (Beat. To OWNER.) I’ll have what she’s having. (BLACKOUT.) mirror has just shattered and there’s shards in your leg. It hasn’t 25 hit the femoral vein, but it’s going to require major surgery. The “Salad Days” doctor used to play running back for Boise State back when it was still Division Two, and he likes the Raiders. Part Four

COOK: Do I have insurance? 25 LIGHTS UP on the “Salad Days” diner. EVAN and DALE, now five years WAITRESS: (To WIFE.) Cream? older, somberly sit in their seats. Jackson’s chair sits empty. EVAN has 30 WIFE: No, thank you. a glass of Coke, DALE water. WAITRESS: (Back to COOK.) Out of pocket! (To DAUGHTER.) And DALE: It’s been a year. for you? EVAN: I know. And this entire year I’ve hoped pancreatic cancer would HUSBAND: That… that… (Counts in his head.) …that was fifty-six more 30 get pancreatic cancer and die. syllables than her order! Why did you need fifty-six more syllables? DALE: Yeah. 35 WAITRESS: You counted? EVAN: I mean, thirty-seven?! What kind of cruel disease takes a man HUSBAND: I did. (WAITRESS snickers.) What’s so funny? at thirty-seven when he’s just getting started in life? John Elway WAITRESS: I don’t know. It just seems like a waste of time. didn’t win his first Super Bowl until he was thirty-seven! HUSBAND: You’re one to talk! 35 DALE: (Laughs sympathetically, then.) He loved coming here. WIFE: Honey, calm down. EVAN: I know. That might have been part of the problem. 40 HUSBAND: I will not calm down! This is ridiculous and inconvenient! DALE: We don’t know that for sure.

6 35 For preview only 1 EVAN: His diet was a problem, Dale. You don’t have to pretend for 1 HUSBAND: Yes, I’ll have Harry’s Breakfast Combination. Blueberry me. I know we both ate like crap. Diet, obesity, inactivity were all syrup with the French toast, no honey in the Greek yogurt, and factors. There’s no guarantee, but I’m not in denial anymore. I can eggs over easy. infer. (DALE doesn’t quite know what to say,) Sophie keeps trying WAITRESS: (Scribbles quickly on pad.) Gotcha. (Calls to COOK.) I need 5 to get me to cut certain foods, but I just can’t. Loss and discipline 5 three orthopedists from Belarus parasailing over the Rockies don’t exactly mesh together well. How do you do it? carrying a rusty kitchen sink! DALE: Do what? COOK: Coming up! EVAN: Eat salads. Pass up parties in college to study. Get a great job. WAITRESS: (To SON.) And for you, big guy? Jump into life immediately and unafraid… I always said I would fix HUSBAND: Um, pardon. I actually think you misheard me. All I wanted my life later. Now look where I am and where you are. And Jackson, 10 10 was the breakfast combo—no honey, blueberry, over easy. God rest his soul, look where he is. No fixing that. WAITRESS: I heard you just fine. Although the plain Greek yogurt can DALE: Come on, where you are is something to be proud of. You’re be a little bland, and it is morning happy hour, so you can add management now. gluten-free granola for no extra cost. Would you like to? EVAN: I know, but it’s not where I wanted to be by now. It’s still construction. HUSBAND: Um… yeah, actually. That sounds nice. 15 DALE: It’s a respectable career field. 15 WAITRESS: (Makes note on pad and calls to COOK.) Make sure one of EVAN: But look at you climbing the corporate ladder, and when it them has a handlebar mustache! comes to your health, you’re already at the top. I’m at, like, the COOK: One step ahead of you! You said Slovenia? second rung. To be honest, I just don’t know how to move up. WAITRESS: No, Belarus! DALE: One step at a time. COOK: Belarus, coming at you! 20 EVAN: Ha-ha. Okay. 20 WAITRESS: (To FAMILY.) Sorry about that. The cooks here want their DALE: I’m serious. If you try and move more than one step, you’ll fall egg instructions very specific. Anyways— and hurt yourself. Then, you’re never likely to climb again. You’ve HUSBAND: Wait a second… what? got to move one rung at a time. Cut out red meat and get to rung three, exercise more at rung four, look at new houses in bigger WAITRESS: Did you need to change your order, sir? 25 cities—rung five. If you climb every day, you’ll get to a point where HUSBAND: No. It’s just… how did the cook get “eggs over easy” from it becomes easier to climb upward than downward. 25 what you said? EVAN: (Beat.) But why does climbing upward feel so hard? WAITRESS: Oh, that? It’s just restaurant lingo. DALE: Because you’ve got to do it every day. Do it every day and it’ll WIFE: Restaurant lingo? get easier. (EVAN stares at him, hopeful.) I promise, it gets easier if WAITRESS: Yeah. Like nicknames for our orders. Forty hours a week on 30 you do it every day. (EVAN considers this as CARLA ENTERS.) your feet shouting complex requests like this can get exhausting, CARLA: (Taking out her pen and pad.) Hey, boys. What can I get 30 so sometimes we like to shrink them down. For example, whole- you gentlemen? wheat Belgian waffles with hazelnut spread and a strawberry DALE: Just a salad for me, please. passionfruit smoothie can be a mouthful so instead we say— EVAN: (To CARLA.) Um… me, too. (CARLA shoots him a look, jots it COOK: (Calls out.) Two centaurs in a stretch limo! 35 down, and EXITS.) WAITRESS: Exactly. DALE: (To EVAN.) To life? 35 WIFE: Oh. That makes sense. EVAN: To life. (They clink glasses in a toast. LIGHTS FADE to BLACK.) HUSBAND: Why don’t you just number them? WAITRESS: That’s for cheap fast food franchises. We’re a cut above. (To SON.) All right, what can I get you? SON: Two pancakes with syrup, please.

36 5 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 LILLY: Yuck! “Why I Work at a Diner” DAD: But a lot of people do. And if the salad doesn’t work, maybe you’ll meet a nice Italian girl and become part of a spaghetti 1 LIGHTS UP on the same diner. EVAN and DALE are gone, but CARLA sauce. Or maybe in high school you join a salsa and become the remains. She leans against the table, takes off a shoe, and rubs her 5 life of the fiesta. tired foot. MOM: In college, you’ll probably be part of a few bloody Marys. CARLA: (To AUDIENCE.) Why do I work at a diner? I know everyone, and it’s close to home. Boom! Easiest answer I’ve ever given. DAD: (Gives MOM a look.) Really? Now? 5 (Smiles.) I got hired here in high school. “Go Tritons!” And it helped MOM: They grow up fast. Just sayin’. put me through college. You wouldn’t expect kitchen grease and DAD: What I’m saying is that you will always be you. Wherever you go. leather booths to clear up acne or student loans, but hey, you’d 10 And you will always find a way to fit in. be surprised. FRANKLIN: I still hate this. MOM: We know, son. You’re allowed to for a while. 10 After I graduated college, my friends encouraged me to travel more, FRANKLIN: I still don’t want to be a tomato. go places. But the bug never really bit me. My dad was a DAD: You’re not a tomato. You are my sunshine. (Reaches over and photojournalist. He went everywhere, but the sights and culture of 15 steals a fry.) fifty-two different countries didn’t seem to stop him from cheating FRANKLIN: Hey, those are my fries. on my mom. Or my stepmom. Or my second stepmom. He was 15 a nomad, constantly moving. That’s one of the things about DAD: Tomatoes can’t talk. movement, though—it gives me motion sickness. My dad was just FRANKLIN: I’m not a tomato. I’m sunshine. the opposite. He walked a few righteous paths, but that’s when he DAD: Sunshine doesn’t talk either. It just beams happily, radiating joy. got queasy and left unsatisfied. 20 (Steals a few more fries.) LILLY: (Sings.) You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. Life’s a journey, that’s what they say. Whoever “they” are, that mysterious LILLY/MOM: (Sing.) You make me happy. When skies are gray. (DAD 20 “they” who seem to know everything and judge everyone. Like a snags a few more fries from the others.) middle-aged waitress scavenging tips in a diner at the bottom of LILLY/MOM/DAD: (Sing.) You’ll never know— an off-ramp in a small, New England town. Do “they” know that 25 DAD: Tomato— half our business is travelers whose lives dance with mine in a forty-five-minute waltz? I hear their tales of great adventures LILLY/MOM/DAD: (Sing.) How much I love you… 25 beyond the horizon. Stories of exotic lands and opportunities that ALL: (Sing.) Please don’t take my— don’t involve grease and mops and fluorescent lights. And while DAD: Tomato. those sirens may call, they do not convince. A forty-five minute FRANKLIN: Sunshine. dance leads to… well… motion sickness. And let me just say, my 30 ALL: (Sing.) Away… (DAD snags more fries, and they sit contentedly as husband and I have been together twenty-two years, nausea-free. the LIGHTS slowly FADE to BLACK.) 30 I can’t say this place is entirely responsible for that, but the other half “Restaurant Lingo” of my clientele is locals whose lives sing with mine in a never- ending symphony. Who wants to let their shoes do the talking LIGHTS UP on a family restaurant. HUSBAND, WIFE, DAUGHTER, when you’ve got voices like theirs? I know these people’s voices and SON sit at a table, CENTER, holding menus. A COOK is working by heart—their names, their stories, and their “usuals.” Phil’s got UPSTAGE, barely visible. WAITRESS approaches, carrying a pen 35 a rasp and always asks for his steak rare. They’d moo if he had 35 and pad. his way. I love the way Carl looks at his wife from across the booth, WAITRESS: Hi, is everyone ready to order? even though his eyesight has been shabby these past few years or, well, decades. I remember when his hair was neither salt nor

4 37 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 pepper, but a healthy harvest of seasoning-free locks. Like, not 1 FRANKLIN: Say it again. even garlic. I’m serious. And I love the Sunday morning crowd. I DAD: We don’t say “old.” love my ten-year-old apron. I love how a banana cream pie may not FRANKLIN: (Laughs way too hard just to prove DAD wrong.) heal a broken heart, but it can dry a few tears. And if you don’t Hahahahahahaha! That’s funny! That’s so funny! Hahahahaha! 5 agree, you haven’t eaten enough banana cream pie. 5 (OTHERS just look at each other.) MOM: I’m not sure what argument you’re trying to make here. Here, I’m healthy. Health to me is being part of countless prom nights, FRANKLIN: (Laughter morphs into tears.) I don’t want to move. promotions, birthdays, graduations, and even deaths. Let the DAD: (Changes tactics, soft and sincere.) I know, kiddo. horizon beckon. The fulfilled soreness of my feet after a day’s work cantillates right back. The wattage of my smile has enough FRANKLIN: All my friends are here. My school is here. Soccer is here. 10 electricity to power a dozen trans-Atlantic airplanes. Granted, I 10 Everything I am is right here. If we move, then I’m just a big nobody. think they use fossil fuels, but you get the point. People who travel DAD: That’s just not true. everywhere are wanderers, still trying to figure out what they want. FRANKLIN: Yes, it is. Me? I’m already here. (BLACKOUT.) DAD: No, see, life is like a double cheeseburger. “Life Is Like a Double Cheeseburger” FRANKLIN: What? 15 MOM: Really? LIGHTS UP on a trendy restaurant. DONALD sits at a table with two DAD: Stay with me on this. (Gestures to his burger.) Life is like this 15 chairs. He’s a simple guy in an ill-fitting suit—the kind of guy who might double cheeseburger. And you are the pickle. be seen sitting on a bus bench with a box of chocolates. LIZ stands in FRANKLIN: I don’t want to be the pickle. front of the table waiting. LILLY: Can I be the pickle? VOICE: And time starts… now! 20 MOM: Can you make a sour face? (LILLY does.) Boom, pickle. LIZ: (Takes a seat with DONALD. Over-amped, nervous, and guarded, 20 she’s dammed up her emotions and they finally spill out.) Hi. I’m DAD: (To FRANKLIN.) Okay, you’re the meat, then. Liz. Kind of new to this whole speed-dating thing. Feels a little FRANKLIN: I don’t want to be the meat. unnatural. I mean, how much can you learn about a person in DAD: Then the tomato. ten minutes? Right? What does that give us, five minutes each FRANKLIN: I don’t want to— to tell our life story? The website says “ten minutes will change 25 DAD: For now, you’re the tomato! Just be the tomato. 25 your life.” I seriously doubt it! But you’ve got to be in it to win it, right? So… should I start? Tell you about me and then you tell me FRANKLIN: Fine, I’m a tomato. about you and then we meet in the middle somewhere and talk LILLY: I’m the pickle. (Makes another sour face.) about our favorite movies and books and feel a little better about DAD: (To FRANKLIN.) And your home is here in this cheeseburger. You ourselves until we both go home alone? Hey, I think I’m starting make this burger so much better by being a part of it. The whole 30 to understand how this works! (DONALD just smiles benignly.) 30 thing is better because you’re here. But if we move the tomato… Okay. My name is Liz. I live uptown at— Ha! On second thought, (Takes the tomato out of the burger and holds it up, moving it around I’m not going to tell you exactly where I live in case you’re an the table like a game piece.) …you may not be home anymore, but escaped mental patient or something. Let’s see… I’m an actuary you’re still a tomato. And you’ll find a new home. for an insurance company. Actuary! That’s a ten-dollar name for a FRANKLIN: Won’t be the same. 35 two-bit job. I’m an accountant. Since college. (Groans.) Yes, I sit 35 DAD: No, it won’t. Maybe it’s another burger, or maybe you’re part of in a cubicle all day and crunch numbers under fluorescent light. a salad. Completely different home, but you’re still a major part of It’s a good job, I guess. It’s just not what I dreamed I’d be doing it. You fit in. You belong. when I left Dartmouth five years ago. I’m twenty-seven. Twenty- seven—geez! I’ve been a bridesmaid four times this year. Four. FRANKLIN: Not everybody like tomatoes in their salad. 40 ’Cause all my friends seem to be getting married. But not me. DAD: Of course not. Not everybody likes cheese or raisins or anchovies.

38 3 For preview only 1 DAD: Yes, I have to be mean. That’s my job description as Dad. I 1 Mr. Right or Prince Charming or whoever aren’t into insurance thought this would meet my quota for the year, all my meanness actuaries, apparently. Maybe it’s cubicles—I don’t know. Or maybe all at once. it’s me. Probably me. But my parents told me, “Liz, you need to FRANKLIN: It’s not a joke. You’re telling me I have to leave all my try something different.” So… here I am looking for Mr. Charming 5 friends and be the pathetic “new kid” at some other stupid school? 5 in ten-minute blocks. (Realizes she’s rambling and pauses.) Sorry. I’m not going. I’m venting or rambling or something-ing. I don’t know. What about MOM: Well, that’s not really up to you to decide. you? Tell me about you. FRANKLIN: I don’t get a vote? DONALD: Hello. My name is Donald. Donald Butler. MOM: Not in this. LIZ: Hi, Donald. 10 DONALD: I sure do like cheeseburgers. 10 FRANKLIN: How is that fair? MOM: It’s not. But when you become an adult, you can make all the LIZ: (Wary.) Ooh… kay. choices for your life that you want. That’s the cool thing. You have DONALD: Mama always said, “Life is like a double cheeseburger.” your whole life ahead of you to do what you want. LIZ: Mama? You live with Mama? DAD: But this is my life, and I have to do what’s best for my family. DONALD: Yes, ma’am. I have my own room at the top of the stairs. 15 FRANKLIN: You mean what’s best for you. 15 LIZ: Okay, well… it was really nice to meet you, Donald. (Rises to DAD: Yes. And at this time, in this place, what’s best for me and and leave.) Thanks for the time. I think I’m done here. I gave speed- what’s best for my family happen to be the same thing. I hope you dating the ol’ college try. can understand. DONALD: I still have seven minutes. FRANKLIN: You can’t make me move. I’ll just run away. LIZ: What? 20 MOM: Well, we’ll miss you deeply. 20 DONALD: Seven minutes. Ten-minute blocks. I still have seven minutes. DAD: We’ll send postcards. LIZ: (Looks around for an escape, but can’t find a graceful one, so she LILLY: And pictures of my new trampoline. sits, defensive.) So… What? What happens now? FRANKLIN: I hate this. I hate all of this. It’s not fair. You are just a big, DONALD: Don’t you like double cheeseburgers? old, stupid, mean, stinky, jerk-butt! LIZ: Sure, yeah, while I’m eating them. They’re great. Then about 25 DAD: (Hard.) Hey now! We don’t use that kind of language. We do not 25 twenty minutes later I feel like crap. And I’m sure I’m not doing my say “old.” (MOM and LILLY laugh. FRANKLIN does not.) arteries any favors. Ultimately, they make me feel fat, guilty, and FRANKLIN: That’s not funny. weak. So, yeah, Donald, maybe life is like a double cheeseburger. LILLY: Is too. DONALD: (Smiles gently.) That’s not what I mean. MOM: It’s a little bit funny. LIZ: Oh, no? You’ve probably got some simple, sage wisdom, right? 30 Some complex metaphor about life and cheeseburgers? All right, 30 FRANKLIN: No, it’s no amount of funny. Zero funniness, so quit it! Donald, in six minutes or less, tell me why life is like a double DAD: You’re right, son. You’re upset. I know this won’t be funny to you cheeseburger. (DONALD opens his mouth to speak, but LIZ right now. steamrolls him.) And don’t give me some metaphysical baloney. FRANKLIN: It’ll never be funny. You know, like, your parents are the buns, creating your life and MOM: You’re right. We know you well enough to know that this will 35 giving it structure. But then you need real substance, which is 35 never be funny. the meat. Although it might get charred and singed, the heat and FRANKLIN: You don’t know that. You don’t know everything. You pressure is what makes it so wonderful. Something like that? Oh, don’t know me. It could be funny. I’ll show you it could be funny. and then family and friends are the cheese that make it taste so Say it again. much better. Sometimes the cheese is drippy and clingy, but you 40 wouldn’t want to be without it. And if life is dull, then spice it up DAD: Come on, now— with pickles and onions, which are really just risks and adventures,

2 39 For preview only 1 right? It’s never as pretty as it looks in the commercials, but no LIFE IS LIKE A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER matter how messy it is, you still need to dive into it, take a big bite, and relish it for what it is. Is that what you’re going to tell “The Tomato” me, Donald? 1 5 DONALD: Uh, no. LIGHTS UP on a fast-food joint. MOM is sitting at the table with her son, FRANKLIN, and daughter, LILLY, sipping on drinks. That’s when LIZ: No? DAD arrives with a tray loaded with burgers and fries. DONALD: No. DAD: Okay, here we go. (Passes them out.) Double cheeseburger for LIZ: No. Huh. Okay, Donald, then tell me why life is like a 5 me. Cheeseburger for you, cheeseburger for you, cheeseburger for double cheeseburger. you. And fries, fries, fries. 10 DONALD: (Shrugs.) I like double cheeseburgers. LILLY: You didn’t get any fries, Daddy. LIZ: (Beat.) That’s it? You like double cheeseburgers? DAD: I don’t like fries. DONALD: Yeah. They’re real good. FRANKLIN: You always eat mine. LIZ: You like double cheeseburgers. 10 DAD: (Playfully dramatic.) That’s a lie. You should stop lying. Your DONALD: Yeah. parents should’ve taught you better than that. 15 LIZ: That’s it? That’s the big metaphor? That’s the wisdom of the ages? MOM: (Clucks her tongue disapprovingly.) We have failed as parents. That’s your mark on this world? That you like cheeseburgers? DAD: So I suppose you’re all wondering why we called you here today. DONALD: Double cheeseburgers. LILLY: Are we getting a puppy? LIZ: Double cheeseburgers. Right. (Rises to leave.) You know, you look 15 MOM: Ah, no. like a sane guy— LILLY: A swimming pool? 20 DONALD: Don’t you like life? (LIZ stops, hesitates for a moment, then MOM: Ah, no. slides back into the chair.) LILLY: A trampoline? LIZ: No, Donald, not really. MOM: (To DAD.) Maybe you better just tell them before she gets really DONALD: How come? 20 bummed out. LIZ: It isn’t turning out the way I thought. DAD: Okay, gang, here’s the deal. I have been offered a new job. 25 DONALD: How come? You went to college. Didn’t you like that? Which is a big promotion for me, and it means more money. LIZ: I did. I really did. I was in a sorority. Cheerleader one semester. LILLY: So… trampoline? I had fun. MOM: Stick a pin in that. We’ll get back to you. DONALD: Sounds perfect. 25 DAD: But it does mean that… (Braces himself.) …we have to move. LIZ: Well, no. It was a lot of work. A lot of pressure—keeping up the FRANKLIN: What?! 30 grades, cramming for mid-terms, trying to get financial aid. DAD: We have to move. It’s in New York. DONALD: So you hated it? LILLY: Yay! LIZ: No! I mean, it had its problems. But for the most part I liked it. I loved it. I made a lot of friends. FRANKLIN: No, I don’t want to move. DONALD: And some got married. 30 DAD: I know this is going to be tough— 35 LIZ: Yeah. FRANKLIN: I’m not moving! That’s not fair. DONALD: That’s nice. You must be really happy for them. DAD: I know. LIZ: Must I? I guess, maybe. Sure I am. But also a little jealous, FRANKLIN: You don’t know! Why are you doing this? maybe? Or envious, I guess. Huh. Which is the less ugly one— DAD: I have to. jealousy or envy? 35 FRANKLIN: You don’t have to. You’re just doing this to be mean.

40 1 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 DONALD: And you have a good job. LIZ: I sit in a cubicle and crunch numbers. DONALD: Sounds horrible. LIZ: Well, no. I mean… it’s not hot tar-roofing or digging in salt mines. 5 It’s steady. And the pay is fair—not great, but okay. My boss is pretty cool. She leaves me alone most of the time as long as I get my work done. DONALD: So you like it. LIZ: Well, no. I want more. 10 DONALD: You have your parents. LIZ: Yeah, they’re both still alive. And my sister and little brother. DONALD: Family is nice. I like family. LIZ: When they’re not being pains and trying to run my life. DONALD: So sometimes you like them and sometimes you don’t. 15 LIZ: Yeah, but mostly— DONALD: I don’t like mushrooms on my double cheeseburger. But I still like it mostly. LIZ: (Changing her expression to more positive.) So that’s it. You think life is like a double cheeseburger because you like it? 20 DONALD: I like life. LIZ: It can’t be that simple. DONALD: How come? LIZ: Life is messy and complicated. DONALD: Like a double cheeseburger. 25 LIZ: No. No! It’s a bajillion times more complicated than that. DONALD: It is? LIZ: Yes. Absolutely. Probably. It has to be, doesn’t it? The secret can’t just be “like life.” DONALD: How come? 30 LIZ: Because! Because. That’s why. I mean… Come on… That’s just… (Struggles with the concept.) …it can’t be… Who are you? DONALD: Hi. I’m, Donald. LIZ: (Laughs.) Hello, Donald. I’m Liz. Donald, are you totally crazy? DONALD: Yes. Yes, I am. (At that moment MAMA ENTERS, looks around, 35 and crosses to DONALD.) MAMA: There you are, Donald. DONALD: Hello, Mama. MAMA: You had me worried sick. (To LIZ.) Are you all right, ma’am? vi 41 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 LIZ: (Shocked and confused.) Yes. Sure. Life Is Like a Double Cheeseburger MAMA: Good. He’s totally harmless. He just wanders off sometimes. VOICE ...... speed-dating emcee 2 LIZ: Is he okay? I mean, is he…? (Twirls a finger around her ear.) LIZ ...... seeks a different kind of love 38 MAMA: He just sees things a little different. Don’t you, Donald? DONALD ...... decidedly different 38 5 DONALD: Yeah. MAMA ...... Donald’s mother 4 MAMA: Come on, Donald. Let’s get you home. MATTHEW ...... new to the speed-dating scene 1 DONALD: (As he EXITS with MOTHER.) Like life! (They’re OUT. LIZ sits in shock a moment.) *Characters who have appeared in previous scenes VOICE: Time! 10 MATTHEW: (ENTERS and approaches LIZ’S table. Sits.) Hi, I’m Matthew. I’m new to this whole speed-dating thing. SETTING LIZ: (Turns to MATTHEW slowly, a huge grin on her face. Sticks out a TIME: Present day. hand.) Hello, Matthew, I’m Liz. Did you ever notice that life is like PLACE: Various restaurant settings, such as a fast-food joint, a diner, a double cheeseburger? (BLACKOUT.) a café, and a fancier establishment. END OF PLAY SET DESCRIPTION The stage is bare other than tables and chairs, which are dressed up or down to match the location of each scene.

42 v For preview only URSULA ...... Korpelistanese ambassador 9 PRODUCTION NOTES and hostage DINERS ...... caught up in the chaos n/a PROPERTIES ONSTAGE The Tomato Salad Days, Part Three Table, four chairs, four fast food soft drink cups. EVAN* ...... 33 years old and getting married 9 Restaurant Lingo JACKSON* ...... the best man 8 Table, four chairs, four menus. DALE* ...... already married; more mature 13 Salad Days, Part One Table, three chairs, three menus. CARLA* ...... things don’t change with her 3 except that she’s now 40 years old The Girl Filter Memory Lane Table, tablecloth, two chairs. FRANKLIN* ...... son from “The Tomato”; 34 Life now in his 40s Table, tablecloth, two chairs. DAD* ...... also from “The Tomato”; now 75 40 Salad Days, Part Two Table, three chairs, two half-full glasses of Coke, glass of water, two empty plates, plate of half-eaten salad, silverware. The Price You Pay DELANEY ...... seeks to be popular at any cost 13 Food for Thought Table, tablecloth, two chairs, plate with a barely eaten piece of JAMIE ...... backstabbing but beguiling 4 chocolate cake, two forks, two cloth napkins. LORNA...... another 6 A More Perfect Union VIOLET ...... another 4 Two tables, four chairs, four water glasses, four napkins. BRIAN ...... likes Delaney for who she really is 2 No Reservations At least five tables, tablecloths, ten or more chairs. Decision Day Salad Days, Part Three OWNER ...... a motherly voice of reason 19 Table, three chairs, two half-full glasses of Coke, glass of water. RIVER ...... nervously awaiting news 19 Memory Lane WOMAN ...... wants what River’s having 1 Table, two chairs. The Price You Pay Salad Days, Part Four Table, four or more chairs. EVAN* ...... five years older and much wiser 11 Decision Day than in the past Two tables, two chairs, two drink glasses, menu. DALE* ...... successful in all aspects of 12 Salad Days, Part Four his life Table, three chairs, one glass of Coke, one glass of water. CARLA* ...... her life doesn’t change 1 Life Is Like a Double Cheeseburger Table, two chairs. Why I Work at a Diner CARLA* ...... from “Salad Days” 1

iv 43

For preview only PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON Life The Tomato STEVE ...... eager to take a bite out of Life 24 Tray with four burgers and three fries (DAD) JANET ...... Steve’s wife 30 Restaurant Lingo KAREN ...... offers serving suggestions 25 Pen, pad (WAITRESS) Salad Days Part One Salad Days, Part Two Menus (HUSBAND, WIFE, DAUGHTER, SON) EVAN* ...... relieved to be a college grad; still 11 Pen, pad, drink glasses (CARLA) celebrates life with cheeseburgers The Girl Filter JACKSON* ...... another 7 Phone (CLARK) DALE* ...... ready to start his first career job 9 Life CARLA* ...... knows all her regulars 3 Large menus with “Life” written prominently on the front (KAREN) Food for Thought Food for Thought Phones (VICTOR, FIONA) FIONA ...... moving up in the world 7 Briefcase (CONSULTANT) VICTOR ...... has a lot to think about 25 A More Perfect Union EMOTIONAL ...... heartfelt 7 Pen, pad (SERVER) INQUISITIVE ...... asks a lot of questions 5 Phones (BOY, GIRL) CRITICAL ...... cynical and exacting 7 No Reservations CREATIVE ...... offers inventive perspective 3 Two glasses of water (WAITPERSON) Two menus (HOST) CONCRETE...... interested in just the facts 9 Bag, weapon (ROBBER) FORE ...... thinks in the future 7 Wallets, jewelry, phones, watches (DINERS) TRIVIAL ...... full of immaterial information 4 Salad Days Part Three CONSULTANT ...... rep for the Devil’s Advocates 2 Pen, pad (CARLA) Memory Lane A More Perfect Union Tray with burger, fries and drink, phone, envelope full of documents, SERVER ...... prepared to take an order 17 pen (FRANKLIN) GIRL ...... waiting in vain for a blind date 41 Decision Day BOY ...... another 36 Phone (RIVER) COUPLE ...... waiting for a table n/a Sandwich on a plate (RESTAURANT OWNER) Salad Days Part Four No Reservations Pen, pad (CARLA) HOST ...... gatekeeper of the reservations 7 WAITPERSON ...... overworked but underqualified 15 to handle hold-ups AMBROSE ...... an imposter eager to eat 34 FELICITY ...... another 32 ROBBER ...... stopping by for a quick burglary 21

44 iii RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only LIFE IS LIKE A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER COSTUMES Characters wear modern attire appropriate for their situation, whether By Flip Kobler and Finn Kobler a formal night out or a casual dinner with the family. Some specific CAST OF CHARACTERS needs are as follows: # of lines EVAN, JACKSON, and DALE wear mortar boards and graduation robes The Tomato in “Salad Days, Part One.” In Part Three, they wear tuxedos. The trio, DAD ...... considers the cheeseburger a 38 as well as CARLA, should appear to have aged some through the metaphor for major life changes progression of scenes. MOM ...... pragmatic but humorous 18 THOUGHTS in “Food for Thought” all wear T-shirts that clearly label FRANKLIN ...... begrudging son; doesn’t want 33 which thought they represent. CONSULTANT wears a business suit. to move URSULA in “No Reservations” wears jewel-studded earrings. LILLY ...... unfazed younger daughter; 12 just wants a trampoline FLEXIBLE CASTING and CAST SIZE Several characters can be played by either male or female actors, Restaurant Lingo including COOK in “Restaurant Lingo,” all THOUGHTS in “Food for WAITRESS ...... deciphers the diners’ dialect 29 Thought,” SERVER in “A More Perfect Union,” HOST and WAITPERSON in “No Reservations,” and RIVER in “Decision Day.” HUSBAND ...... lost in translation 24 WIFE ...... understands all too well 16 With extensive doubling, this show can be done with as few as fourteen actors (seven males, seven females), or as many as fifty-one if all COOK ...... likes to keep the job interesting 7 speaking parts are played individually. Extras diners can be added as DAUGHTER ...... appalled by how thoughtless 8 desired to any scene. boys can be SON ...... hungry for pancakes 3

Salad Days, Part One EVAN ...... carefree new high school grad; 14 celebrates life with cheeseburgers JACKSON ...... another 10 DALE ...... another, but more ambitious and 9 prudent than his friends CARLA ...... waitress in her mid-twenties with 3 her own story

The Girl Filter CLARK ...... hears what he wants to hear 13 AMY ...... reads too much into things 10 HOSTESS ...... warns about the acoustics 5

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