By Flip Kobler and Finn Kobler © Copyright 2018, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155. All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS. COPYING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwrights 3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado” For preview only LIFE IS LIKE A DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER COSTUMES Characters wear modern attire appropriate for their situation, whether By Flip Kobler and Finn Kobler a formal night out or a casual dinner with the family. Some specific CAST OF CHARACTERS needs are as follows: # of lines EVAN, JACKSON, and DALE wear mortar boards and graduation robes The Tomato in “Salad Days, Part One.” In Part Three, they wear tuxedos. The trio, DAD ...................................considers the cheeseburger a 38 as well as CARLA, should appear to have aged some through the metaphor for major life changes progression of scenes. MOM ..................................pragmatic but humorous 18 THOUGHTS in “Food for Thought” all wear T-shirts that clearly label FRANKLIN ...........................begrudging son; doesn’t want 33 which thought they represent. CONSULTANT wears a business suit. to move URSULA in “No Reservations” wears jewel-studded earrings. LILLY ..................................unfazed younger daughter; 12 just wants a trampoline FLEXIBLE CASTING and CAST SIZE Several characters can be played by either male or female actors, Restaurant Lingo including COOK in “Restaurant Lingo,” all THOUGHTS in “Food for WAITRESS ..........................deciphers the diners’ dialect 29 Thought,” SERVER in “A More Perfect Union,” HOST and WAITPERSON in “No Reservations,” and RIVER in “Decision Day.” HUSBAND ...........................lost in translation 24 WIFE ..................................understands all too well 16 With extensive doubling, this show can be done with as few as fourteen actors (seven males, seven females), or as many as fifty-one if all COOK .................................likes to keep the job interesting 7 speaking parts are played individually. Extras diners can be added as DAUGHTER .........................appalled by how thoughtless 8 desired to any scene. boys can be SON ...................................hungry for pancakes 3 Salad Days, Part One EVAN ..................................carefree new high school grad; 14 celebrates life with cheeseburgers JACKSON ............................another 10 DALE ..................................another, but more ambitious and 9 prudent than his friends CARLA ................................waitress in her mid-twenties with 3 her own story The Girl Filter CLARK ................................hears what he wants to hear 13 AMY ...................................reads too much into things 10 HOSTESS ...........................warns about the acoustics 5 ii 45 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON Life The Tomato STEVE ................................eager to take a bite out of Life 24 Tray with four burgers and three fries (DAD) JANET .................................Steve’s wife 30 Restaurant Lingo KAREN ...............................offers serving suggestions 25 Pen, pad (WAITRESS) Salad Days Part One Salad Days, Part Two Menus (HUSBAND, WIFE, DAUGHTER, SON) EVAN* ................................relieved to be a college grad; still 11 Pen, pad, drink glasses (CARLA) celebrates life with cheeseburgers The Girl Filter JACKSON* ..........................another 7 Phone (CLARK) DALE* ................................ready to start his first career job 9 Life CARLA* ..............................knows all her regulars 3 Large menus with “Life” written prominently on the front (KAREN) Food for Thought Food for Thought Phones (VICTOR, FIONA) FIONA .................................moving up in the world 7 Briefcase (CONSULTANT) VICTOR ...............................has a lot to think about 25 A More Perfect Union EMOTIONAL ........................heartfelt 7 Pen, pad (SERVER) INQUISITIVE ........................asks a lot of questions 5 Phones (BOY, GIRL) CRITICAL ............................cynical and exacting 7 No Reservations CREATIVE ............................offers inventive perspective 3 Two glasses of water (WAITPERSON) Two menus (HOST) CONCRETE..........................interested in just the facts 9 Bag, weapon (ROBBER) FORE ..................................thinks in the future 7 Wallets, jewelry, phones, watches (DINERS) TRIVIAL ...............................full of immaterial information 4 Salad Days Part Three CONSULTANT ......................rep for the Devil’s Advocates 2 Pen, pad (CARLA) Memory Lane A More Perfect Union Tray with burger, fries and drink, phone, envelope full of documents, SERVER ..............................prepared to take an order 17 pen (FRANKLIN) GIRL ...................................waiting in vain for a blind date 41 Decision Day BOY ....................................another 36 Phone (RIVER) COUPLE ..............................waiting for a table n/a Sandwich on a plate (RESTAURANT OWNER) Salad Days Part Four No Reservations Pen, pad (CARLA) HOST .................................gatekeeper of the reservations 7 WAITPERSON ......................overworked but underqualified 15 to handle hold-ups AMBROSE ...........................an imposter eager to eat 34 FELICITY .............................another 32 ROBBER .............................stopping by for a quick burglary 21 44 iii RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only URSULA ..............................Korpelistanese ambassador 9 PRODUCTION NOTES and hostage DINERS ..............................caught up in the chaos n/a PROPERTIES ONSTAGE The Tomato Salad Days, Part Three Table, four chairs, four fast food soft drink cups. EVAN* ................................33 years old and getting married 9 Restaurant Lingo JACKSON* ..........................the best man 8 Table, four chairs, four menus. DALE* ................................already married; more mature 13 Salad Days, Part One Table, three chairs, three menus. CARLA* ..............................things don’t change with her 3 except that she’s now 40 years old The Girl Filter Memory Lane Table, tablecloth, two chairs. FRANKLIN* .........................son from “The Tomato”; 34 Life now in his 40s Table, tablecloth, two chairs. DAD* .................................also from “The Tomato”; now 75 40 Salad Days, Part Two Table, three chairs, two half-full glasses of Coke, glass of water, two empty plates, plate of half-eaten salad, silverware. The Price You Pay DELANEY ............................seeks to be popular at any cost 13 Food for Thought Table, tablecloth, two chairs, plate with a barely eaten piece of JAMIE .................................backstabbing but beguiling 4 chocolate cake, two forks, two cloth napkins. LORNA................................another 6 A More Perfect Union VIOLET ...............................another 4 Two tables, four chairs, four water glasses, four napkins. BRIAN ................................likes Delaney for who she really is 2 No Reservations At least five tables, tablecloths, ten or more chairs. Decision Day Salad Days, Part Three OWNER ...............................a motherly voice of reason 19 Table, three chairs, two half-full glasses of Coke, glass of water. RIVER .................................nervously awaiting news 19 Memory Lane WOMAN ..............................wants what River’s having 1 Table, two chairs. The Price You Pay Salad Days, Part Four Table, four or more chairs. EVAN* ................................five years older and much wiser 11 Decision Day than in the past Two tables, two chairs, two drink glasses, menu. DALE* ................................successful in all aspects of 12 Salad Days, Part Four his life Table, three chairs, one glass of Coke, one glass of water. CARLA* ..............................her life doesn’t change 1 Life Is Like a Double Cheeseburger Table, two chairs. Why I Work at a Diner CARLA* ..............................from “Salad Days” 1 iv 43 For preview only 1 LIZ: (Shocked and confused.) Yes. Sure. Life Is Like a Double Cheeseburger MAMA: Good. He’s totally harmless. He just wanders off sometimes. VOICE .................................speed-dating emcee 2 LIZ: Is he okay? I mean, is he…? (Twirls a finger around her ear.) LIZ .....................................seeks a different