Great Quotes

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George: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

-from “The Wizard”

Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door so you can see in.

Elaine: Why?

Newman: To prevent an ambush.

Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.

Jerry: But then anyone can just look in and see you.

Kramer: Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say "Enjoy the show."

-from “The Reverse Peephole”

Jerry: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived, like, three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten! I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table!

-from “Male Unbonding”

Kramer: ¿Como se dice.. waterbed?

-from “The Busboy”

Kramer: Jerry, I'm sorry… You have insurance, right?

Jerry: No.

Kramer: How could you not have insurance?

Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Klapco D29! It's the most impenetrable lock in the market today! It has only one design flaw. The door… must be closed!

-from “The Robbery”

Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated first-come-first-serve. It should be based on who's hungriest…

-from “The Chinese Restaurant”

Elaine: Why can't you do it?

Man: I can't.

Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.

Man: That's right.

Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?

Man: I don't know.

Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?

Man: No, I wouldn't.

-from “The Parking Garage”

Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you… Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.

-Kramer in “The Dog”

Jerry: She had Man hands.

-from “The Bizarro Jerry”

Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.

George: I never heard him say anything really funny.

Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed.. I'm sure he's got super humor.

George: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.

Jerry: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?

George: I don't know but he ain't funny.

-from “The Stock Tip”

Newman: (peering at bottle label) What is this 'MI, ten cents'?

Kramer: That's Michigan. In Michigan you get ten cents.

Newman: Ten cents!?

Kramer: Yeah.

Newman: Wait a minute. You mean you get five cents here, and ten cents there. You could round up bottles here and run 'em out to Michigan for the difference.

Kramer: No, it doesn't work.

Newman: What d'you mean it doesn't work? You get enough bottles together...

Kramer: Yeah, you overload your inventory and you blow your margins on gasoline. Trust me, it doesn't work.

-from “The Bottle Deposit, part 1”