April13, 1999 PAGE 13

Tour New York with The Out-of­ 14 :~~~:e~~~sg~~~~nasnp~r~~r~~~sts FE~TURE s Towners and thrill to The Matrix 20 EnJOY some sharp Summer Teeth Get in the thick of things with the 19 and Choking Victim's new classic skinny on campus and city events 24 [insert name here] Stephen Jay Gould Questions The Upcoming Millennium ood afternoon, children. I hope your weekend was everything you hoped it would be. Last week, you ELAINE R. ELGAMIL Gould explained that, biblically, only things we can predict are ''the were challenged (like that's a new situation) to in­ Retriever Weekly Editorial Staff 'The word 'millennium' has nothing simplest kinds of systems,'' such as vent your own chain e-mail. I have received, since to do with a secular period of 1,000 the law of gravity. Contingency is G last week's issue, several more chain e-mails, be­ There has been a lot of discussion years.'' Our assessment ofmeasuring based on the principle that what is seeching me to do various things, under the penalty of never find­ concerning the upcoming new mil­ time in groupings of 10 is arbitrary­ not necessary is left to chance. An ex­ ing my true love. lennium-in fact, whisperings of the there are no natural tendencies for pert in paleontology, Gould described On that note, here is the runner-up: Y2K bug and complete chaos, as well time to occur in that pattern. Bibli­ Darwinian evolution to be "slow and .0 Whatever you do, don't respond to this chain letter. Don't as the end of the world, have infil­ cally, the 'millennium' is the peace­ measured''-something that is easily send it out, or even read it for that matter. If you do, you will die. trntedourcultwe. For Dr. Stephen Jay ful period of 1,000 years after there­ calculable. However, he also noted (Entry submitted by Jake Miller). Gould, questioning the millennium turn of Jesus, until the timely return that human existence is essentially That was more of a warning than an actual chain 1etter. That's is merely a stepping stone to open de­ of Satan to the world based on contingency-the fact that fine; caveats are good, too. bate on the concept of contingency Gould held up a pilfered hotel bible, we exist is dumb luck theory. questioning, ''Is it like a bar of soap, The lecture was spotted with an­ And the Winner of a Promotional Frisbee from Your Friends and Last night, Gould spoke to an au­ or is it like a bathrobe?" ultimately ecdotal remarks, a slide show of evo­ Neighbors is ... dience which filled the U.C. Ballroom promising its safe return. lutionary art- various artistic depic­ 0 A coffeepot is a gift from God! nearly to capacity. Due to an illness, Much like the fin du siecle (end of tions of evolution - and constant Every morning when I wake his highly anticipated speech was the century), this millennium fever is bursts of energy. Gould speaks with My coffeepot my coffee makes. postponed from early last fall to this historically nothing new: ''It has come such intellectual speed that at times, Any time I need a friend semester. The lecture was a part of up every century ... Every official city the blink of an eye might lead to the My coffeepot's there until the end. the Humanities Forum Spring Lec­ celebration was held on January 1, inadvertent oversight of one of When I'm sad or down and out ture Series, sponsored by UMBC's 1901." Gould's illuminating examples. I need my coffee so I don't shout. Center for the Humanities. Gould explained that high cuiture 'There are other ways of thinking A friend may run away or die The author of 15 novels, including once preferred mathematic precision out there ... needed by those in sci­ But coffee always will be nigh. The Mismeasure of Man, and over to the aesthetic value of even num­ ence." Gould reaffinned the impor­ A Coffeepot: 200 essays, Gould serves as a pro­ bers. Now with the "complete blur­ tance ofthe patterns of thinking gen­ Is always there for you, except when it's not. fessor of zoology and geology at ring ofhigh and popular culture," we erated in the humanities and their re­ Is good for a laugh, especially when you're drunk or stoned. Harvard. He is also the cmatorforin­ will celebrate the new century and lationships to scientific thought. Will bum your hand if you touch it when it's hot. vertebrate paleontology at the millennium when the clock strikes ''You should not be freighted by Provides warmth and energy when you need it most, or at least university's Museum ofComparntive midnight on Jan. 1, 2000. contingency. 'There's hope," Gould within a few minutes of when you need it most. Provided you start Zoology. His most recent book, The While the introduction to the lec­ concluded Although the I31ldomness on time. End Is Near: fuions ofApocalypse, twe smrounded the ridiculous assign­ of our existence and the miniscule Filters out the little gritty bits. If you put in a filter. Millenniwn and Utopia, was the ba­ ment of importance to the upcoming place we each have on earth has Could be big. Or small. sis ofhis lecture, entitled, "Question­ new year, Gould utilized the analogy "some people find[ing] the prospect Won't yell at you when you smack it around or take advantage ing the Millennium: A Rationalist's of its randomness to segue into alec­ depressing," Gould's view differs. of it. Guide to a Precisely Arbitrary Count­ ture on contingency. ''We are the offspring of history ... I Could be old. Or new, down.'' According to Gould, perhaps the find it to be exhilarating." Could be used as a murder weapon, if wielded correctly. Knows your every mood. Will be there when you need a kindred spirit to laugh with or a Quadmania Line-Up Announced shoulder to cry on. The Student Events Board is Will be around long after your friends have realized that you gearing up for this year's really need some professional help. Quadmania, UMBC's annual Comes in many fashionable colors, to match your decor! (As spring fair. The fun begins at 10 seen on TV) a.m. on Saturday, April 24. Ad­ Is actually an alien from the planet Gurbowitzerhildet, but you mission is free and open to the didn't hear it from me. campus and outside community. Doesn't judge. The day includes vendors, food, So during this month of much rain, try to focus on the important and lots of music. The event will things in life. Like coffeepots. Think about it ... when was the last be included in MTV's Campus time that you hugged a coffeepot, or told that coffeepot just how Invasion Tour. important it is to you? If you don't have the heart to take five min­ The chronological music utes of your time and send out this simple message of love to all of lineup includes the coffeepots in your life, let it be a burden on your soul. And send 0 DC jazz band Impresarios it back to the coffeepot who sent it to you. If you don't send this 0 An acoustic set, a live MTV out, nothing bad will happen to you. And if you do send it out, Village event nothing good will necessarily happen to you either. But you will 0 Hip-Hop's A Lost Art have the satisfaction of knowing you brightened the day of a very 0 DC reggae steel band Oasis special coffeepot. Think about it. 0 Kelly Bell Band OAnMTVV.J. This entry was lovingly crafted by Rohini and Joanna, who had OOrgy obviously been up for several days. If any of their professors are 0 Sugar Ray reading this, perhaps you should be lenient on them, come finals Musical entertainment will week. In my esteemed opinion (esteemed by me, at least), they're continue in the U.C. Ballroom not well. Nonetheless, they never cease to amuse me, and conse­ following the lineup, and is set to quently they continue to win the contest. include Phife of A Tribe Called Oh, yes, the runner-up this week receives a candy box, which is Quest, Xzibit and Defari. now devoid of candy. In its heyday, the candy box was the source Look for more information and of many new friendships (short-lived ones). Also, I managed to related articles in the next issue poison a member of my staff by offering said staffer a piece of of The Retriever Weekly. Or. for candy, and failing to warn him that it contained peanuts_. We now photo courtesy Rolling Stone up-to-date information, call the Sugar Is Sweet at UMBC: Alternative rockers Sugar Ray, S.E.B. events hotline at (410) led by Mark McGrath, will headline this year's Quadmania. [ C 0 N T I N U E D 0 N P A G E 2 OJ 455-3100. . ~ ~ . .