Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families What Do We Mean by “Interfaith”?

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Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families What do we mean by “interfaith”? ...... 1

What is Hanukkah? ...... 2

When is Hanukkah? ...... 4

Symbols and Observances of Hanukkah ...... 5

Guide to Hanukkah Playing Dreidel ...... 6 for Interfaith Families Traditional Foods of Hanukkah ...... 7 Hanukkah Songs ...... 8

Hanukkah, Christmas, and Your Interfaith Family: www.interfaithfamily.com Various Approaches ...... 9

facebook.com/interfaithfamily “Pre-existing Conditions” ...... 9

@interfaithfam Children ...... 10 Telling Your Kids Your Family’s “Founding Story” ...... 11

Some Specific Approaches Interfaith Families Use ...... 12 Contact InterfaithFamily: To Tree or Not to Tree? That Is (Sometimes) the Question ...... 15

National Office – network@interfaithfamily .com Adoptive Families & Blended Families ...... 16

InterfaithFamily/Your Community Offices: Divorced Interfaith Parents Co-Parenting the Winter Holidays ...... 17 Atlanta – atlanta@interfaithfamily .com What if We Make Mistakes as Parents in Handling Boston – boston@interfaithfamily .com Hanukkah / Christmas? ...... 18 Chicago – chicago@interfaithfamily .com We have questions . Who can we talk to? ...... 18

Washington, DC – dc@interfaithfamily .com Feedback on this Guide ...... 18 Los Angeles – losangeles@interfaithfamily .com Philadelphia – philadelphia@interfaithfamily .com San Francisco Bay Area – sfbayarea@interfaithfamily .com What do we mean the role of faith/religion in the lives of by “interfaith”? many of the people involved in these inter- Before we explore Hanukkah and Christmas religious or inter-cultural unions, it continues and some of the issues the December to be the most widely used shorthand term Holidays often raise for interfaith families, for all the different varieties of households we’d like to explain what we mean when we that combine someone Jewish with use the term “interfaith.” someone who is something else.

At InterfaithFamily, we recognize that there When we use the term “interfaith” or are many different varieties of households in “interfaith family,” we are referring to the which one partner is Jewish and the other whole range of possibilities discussed partner identifies with a different religious above. We would also include couples that tradition. There are couples in which a are divorced but are still co-parenting, or deeply religious Jew marries a deeply couples in which both partners may be

At InterfaithFamily, we recognize that there are many different varieties of households in which one partner is Jewish and the other partner identifies with a different religious tradition . religious Christian, just as there are couples the same religion but may have kids of a in which an atheistic and purely cultural Jew different religion (this sometimes happens marries an agnostic or atheistic Christian when there’s a second marriage after a (who may even refer to him/herself as an divorce and children from an earlier union ‘ex-Christian’). And there are literally dozens are being raised according to one religion, of other configurations. while the two adults who are marrying and blending their families happen now to be of It’s hard to find a term that quickly captures the same religion). all the permutations of households in which there is a Jewish partner and a partner of a And now, on to the Festival of Lights, different background or identity. While the Hanukkah! term “interfaith” may not accurately describe

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families What is Hanukkah? the sacred lamp immediately. The priests Hanukkah is an 8-day long festive holiday decided to light it and hope for the best. that commemorates an improbable victory, Miraculously, it burned for eight days until some 22 centuries ago, by the Maccabees, fresh jars of olive oil were finally brought to a band of Jewish guerilla fighters seeking keep the flame alive. Hence, the eight nights to reclaim their land, their Temple, and their of candle lighting for Hanukkah. sovereignty from the oppressive rule of the Syrian Greek Empire (also sometimes called Like winter holidays of many other the Seleucid Empire). religions, Hanukkah emphasizes light during the darkest part of the year. The The word “Hanukkah” main observances are lighting a menorah means “dedication,” (a ceremonial candelabra), spinning a top and it refers to the called a dreidel in a game of chance, and rededication of the eating fried foods (to symbolize the oil in the Temple in Jerusalem story). It’s a holiday in which you get to set which took place after things on fire, gamble and eat junk food! the Maccabees’ victory in 164 BCE. Once Though it’s a minor religious holiday, the Maccabees had Hanukkah among American Jews has restored the Temple become enormously popular. It’s a festival and re-purified it, the of light in the winter, it celebrates victorious traditional story says underdogs, and it fits the “they tried to kill that they sought to us / we won / let’s eat” rubric that animates relight a lamp known Jewish holidays like Passover and Purim. as the “eternal flame.” But only one day’s Complexity in the Hanukkah Story: More worth of consecrated seriously, however, the military victory that olive oil could be Hanukkah commemorates also involved civil Some accounts describe the Syrian Greek warriors fighting the Maccabees found, and it would be warfare between different Jewish factions. from atop elephants. awhile before more The Maccabees represented a priestly family could be produced. No that had for some time been in conflict with one wanted to light the eternal flame only some of the elites in Jewish society who to see it sputter out after a day, but there had chosen to assimilate into Syrian Greek was also a deep spiritual desire to rekindle religious and cultural life. The initial fighting

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families began between Jewish factions, but quickly time as Christmas, Hanukkah has absorbed adaptive pattern of “absorbing and Jewishly- grew into a full-fledged war with the Syrian some of the universal elements animating customizing” other cultures’ practices isn’t Greeks, who had imposed many aspects the Christmas season (including some of the a bad thing – rather, it’s an important part of their polytheistic religion on the Jews. materialistic and commercial excesses that of how Judaism has evolved and stayed For a kid-friendly account of the Hanukkah many Christians and Jews have come to relevant across so many places and story that includes the complexities of the dislike). Before modern times, there was no historical times. civil war as well as the better known battle against the Syrian Greeks, see Joel Lurie Grishaver’s The True Story of Hanukkah. For an overview of the ancient texts that form the basis of the Hanukkah story, this page at MyJewishLearning.com is very helpful.

After the Maccabees won and came to power (about 2150 years ago), they instituted Hanukkah as a new major holiday in ancient Israel. Several centuries later, after a new empire – Rome – had destroyed the Jerusalem Temple and exiled most Jews from Israel, the rabbis who came to lead the surviving Jews downplayed the importance Hanukkah now takes its place alongside Christmas as part of of Hanukkah. For multiple reasons, they chose to emphasize the miracle of the a religiously pluralistic holiday season . sacred light that burned for eight days despite there only being one day’s worth of oil, and to downplay the importance of Jewish tradition of exchanging gifts during One important aspect of Hanukkah that’s the military victory. For many centuries, Hanukkah; no big drama over kids getting become amplified in modern American Hanukkah quietly appeared every winter as a presents. But in every place Jews have society is the story of ancient Jews fighting minor yet festive occasion. lived they have adapted their holidays and for their right to worship freely against customs, often absorbing elements from an empire that sought to impose its own In modern American Jewish life, however, the majority culture and reframing them religious beliefs upon them. American Hanukkah has made a major comeback. in a Jewish context. American Hanukkah Jewish culture has cultivated that storyline Always arriving roughly around the same is a prime example of this. This Jewish into a celebration of religious freedom and

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families We have a lot to be thankful for, given the difficult histories Jews and Christians have had for many centuries before this time of unprecedented pluralism and acceptance . freedom from persecution for religious minorities in American society.

Hanukkah now takes its place alongside Christmas as part of a religiously pluralistic holiday season. Kwanzaa and Winter Solstice chime in as well to round out a shared civic sense of winter celebration. At this time more Americans than ever before have Christmas and Hanukkah in their lives in some way, either due to their own interfaith families or via relatives or friends. to be thankful for, given the difficult histories solar, whereas the Gregorian (Western Many regard this current moment as a Jews and Christians have had for many secular) calendar is purely solar. The Jewish golden era of pluralism and mutual religious centuries before this time of unprecedented calendar and the Gregorian calendar do not appreciation. This is not to deny that pluralism and acceptance. overlap precisely, and that’s why Hanukkah sometimes the December holidays involve keeps “moving around” the secular calendar, negotiation or even conflict within some sometimes starting as early as the tail end families. But we should keep in mind the When is Hanukkah? of November, and sometimes not starting historical significance that we live in a time in In the Jewish calendar, Hanukkah begins until after Christmas Day. If you’re interested which Americans celebrating either or both at sundown on the 25th of a month called in learning more about these calendars, this holidays have come to find it so normal to Kislev, and it continues for 8 days. The online article is helpful. participate in aspects of both. We have a lot Jewish calendar is partly lunar and partly

Hanukkah falls in any Each night of Hanukkah, there’s a protocol given year, just look it for lighting the candles. Gather everyone up here. around, and start by lighting the shamash. Then, holding the shamash, begin reciting the blessings. On the first night, there Symbols and are three blessings to recite: a blessing Observances announcing the commandment to light the of Hanukkah Hanukkah candles [listen here], another on Hanukkah, unlike the the miracles God did for the Maccabees major Jewish holidays, [listen here], and a blessing of appreciation does not require any for reaching a happy occasion, called Perhaps to the delight of retail stores who days off from work, any major preparation Shehecheyanu [listen here]. Then use the want as long a winter holiday shopping or any long worship services. It’s an eight- shamash to light the first candle on the far season as possible, Hanukkah and Christmas day holiday that consists mainly of lighting right of the menorah. You can see a short often don’t overlap. Although Jews make candles, singing songs, eating traditional InterfaithFamily video demonstration of the up less than 2% of the U.S. population, in foods and playing dreidel. whole procedure here. Some families light the last few decades Hanukkah has taken a the candles while they sing the blessings. prominent place in mainstream American culture. The increase over the last two The Hanukkah Menorah On the 2nd – 8th nights of Hanukkah generations in the number of interfaith Hanukkah’s sole mandatory religious the routine is similar, except that one families in America is one of the reasons observance is lighting the Hanukkah only recites the first two blessings – the for the “mainstreaming” of Hanukkah menorah or lamp, also called the Hanukkiah. Shehecheyanu is just for the first time one in American culture, as the percentage The menorah has receptacles for nine celebrates a holiday in a year. On the 2nd of Americans who have a relative who candles, one for each of the eight nights night, there are two candles in addition celebrates Hanukkah has grown steadily of the holiday, and one “helper candle,” the to the shamash: one on the farthest right during this era. If you aren’t sure when shamash, to light the others. position, and one more to the left of that.

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families Each night, add another candle to the left, Many families sing Hanukkah songs after the candles are lit . and light the candle in the new position The traditional custom is not to make use of the candles for first, followed by the candles that represent the previous nights. By the 8th night, the anything work-related, just to appreciate them . lamp is blazing away with nine candles. In a family where each member has his or her own menorah, or at a Hanukkah party also traditional to place the menorah in a Playing Dreidel where a group lights theirs together, this can window in order to publicize the miracle to The dreidel is a four-sided top with the be a fun, if slightly pyromaniacal, religious passersby – again, be careful of fire hazards Hebrew letters nun, gimmel, hey and shin practice. (Seriously, fire safety is important. like curtains. Electric menorahs can be on it, one letter to a side. Though there is There have been so many Hanukkah-related fun to place in your window sill if you’re folklore about how the Maccabees played fires in Israel that the government has put concerned about fire safety. dreidel, the custom probably stems from a forward these safety tips. Apartments pose medieval German and Irish gambling game their own fire risks –here are some tips.) popular in parts of Europe. Dreidel is one

Children love to be involved in the candle lighting even before they are old enough to safely light candles on their own. If you have a set of Hanukkah candles that include different colors, you can have kids take turns getting to pick the colors each night. Kids can also make their own Hanukkah menorah; there are many versions of this craft project. If you are using a craft project menorah, just be certain that the candles won’t fall out of it, and never leave a lit menorah to burn unattended. Most Hanukkah candles are designed to burn all the way down within 20 minutes.

Many families sing Hanukkah songs after the candles are lit. The traditional custom is not to make use of the candles for anything work-related, just to appreciate them. It’s

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families Because of the miracle of the oil, it’s traditional to eat fried foods during Hanukkah . of many historical examples of a different soon you too can be a dreidel expert. If culture’s customs getting integrated and you want to amaze your Jewish relatives modified to fit Jewish beliefs and practices. with an obscure practice, learn how to spin the dreidel on its stem, upside down. The So how do you play dreidel? Well, it’s a wooden dreidels work the best for this. Just simple gambling game. Everyone starts with have fun and try not to eat all the chocolate a bunch of coins (often chocolate in gold before the end of the game. Photo: Flickr user Young Sok Yun foil). Then, the first player spins the dreidel, just like one would spin a top. The Hebrew letter that the dreidel lands on determines Traditional Foods of Hanukkah what happens next. If the player gets a Because of the miracle of the oil, it’s gimmel, she gets all the coins in the pot; if it traditional to eat fried foods during lands on hey, he gets half the pot; if it’s shin, Hanukkah. The most loved of these is she has to put one coin in to the pot; and if the potato pancake, called a latke it’s nun, he gets nothing and gives nothing. (pronounced “lot-kuh”). 윤영석

The four Hebrew letters form an acronym Your basic latke is made of grated potatoes, of a Hebrew sentence that translates to eggs and onions and fried in lots of oil. “A great miracle happened there.” In Hebrew But variations are fun too – you can bake that sentence goes like this: nes gadol hayah them on a non-stick pan, make them out of sham. This encoded message serves as a zucchini and sweet potatoes, or go vegan Instructions for making delicious potato latkes with applesauce are here on Leah Singer’s blog. Singer, who is part of an interfaith teaching tool for kids to learn about the and add grated beets. You can findmany family, writes on many topics. You can read one of her pieces about story of the Hanukkah miracle. variations and there is no reason not to her interfaith family experiences here. enjoy them all. InterfaithFamily has recipes People who grew up Jewish have for classic versions of the traditional latke sometimes had lots of experience spinning recipe on our website. You can also buy a If your relatives keep kosher, you shouldn’t a dreidel, and others do not, but no matter mix to make latkes or get frozen pre-made serve the latkes with sour cream at a meat your history with the game, it’s not hard latkes. Nothing bad will happen if you don’t meal, because people who keep kosher to learn. If you haven’t already mastered make them from scratch. don’t mix dairy ingredients and meat the skill, it only takes a little practice and ingredients in the same meal. You can serve

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families Hanukkah. According to Claudia Roden, • “I Have a Little Dreidel” author of The Book of Jewish Food, (fun performance by members of among Sephardim (Jews with Spanish Seattle’s gay men’s chorus) roots) it was the custom to have fritters • “Hanukkah, O Hanukkah” in syrup called bimuelos or zalabia. In (this version sung by the Israel, Ashkenazi and Sephardi traditions Barenaked Ladies) blended to form the custom of eating • “Ma’oz Tzur / Rock of Ages” Photo: Flickr user Carmen López jelly doughnuts, sufganiyot, on Hanukkah. (traditional version sung Hebrew first, Kurdish Jews make Carrot Fritters – you English second) can finda recipe here. Moroccan Jews • “Sevivon Sov Sov Sov” make a dish called sfenj – doughnuts (translation: dreidel, spin spin spin!) with orange flavored dough see( here for recipe). Some Columbian Jews deep fry plantains to create patacones While there aren’t as many classic (recipe here). Hanukkah songs as there are Another thing that North American Jews Christmas songs, there are a few . eat at Hanukkah is chocolate Hanukkah gelt. These are the chocolate coins wrapped in gold or silver foil that you can use for gambling when you play • “Ocho Kandelikas” your dreidel game. If your family likes to (in Ladino, a language of Hebrew/ support Fair Trade chocolate, get your Spanish/Portuguese elements) gelt here. • “Light One Candle” (Peter, Paul, and Mary) them with applesauce at a kosher meat • Cha Cha Chanukah is a fun CD for meal; that’s a traditional topping. They’re Hanukkah Songs families with young children also tasty with cranberry sauce or salsa. While there aren’t as many classic Hanukkah Enjoy and make it your own! songs as there are Christmas songs, there Of course, there are lots of fun riffs on are a few. Some of the classics include Hanukkah songs too: Latkes are an Ashkenazi (central and (each of the entries below is hot-linked to • Adam Sandler’s ”Hanukkah Song” eastern European-Jewish) custom. Jews a video online): (an instant classic) whose families come from other parts • “I Have a Little Dreidel” • The Maccabeats’ “Candlelight” of the world eat other fried goodies on (traditional version for small children) (fun parody)

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families The independent music website holiday discussions CDbaby.com has a big set of Hanukkah with the assumption themed albums and singles that can that they’re mired in a be downloaded. dilemma. Remember, a true dilemma is a deeply vexing, intractable problem Hanukkah, Christmas, for which there is no and Your Interfaith Family: good solution. But many Various Approaches interfaith families do find This subject is sometimes termed “The good solutions that make December Dilemma,” but we’re not crazy sense for their families and about that term at InterfaithFamily. Do create beautiful enduring some interfaith couples struggle negotiating memories for their kids. Our over their family’s holiday celebration aims at InterfaithFamily are options? Sure. But let’s remember some to support your interfaith broader context: The holiday season, from family as you discuss your Thanksgiving on, can be an emotionally December options, and overloaded time for many families in to help synagogues and all kinds of ways that have nothing to other Jewish organizations do with interfaith issues. Complicated develop a culture of family dynamics of many kinds can cause welcoming so that your predicaments for parents. For some family finds warmth and families, navigating interfaith questions inclusive community there. may be a breeze compared to other family complexities that arise when relatives gather The holiday season, from for these special occasions. “Pre-existing Conditions” No, we’re not talking about health insurance Thanksgiving on, can be an In other words, most American families have – rather, we mean the pre-existing cultural emotionally overloaded time issues that present emotional challenges conditions that many Jews and Christians that they need to navigate skillfully during bring to the discussion of the December for many families in all kinds of the holiday season – that’s just part of the holidays. These are cultural trends that tend ways that have nothing to do package that comes with being a family. to have affected most Jewish or Christian with interfaith issues . We think a good starting point for interfaith partners in an interfaith marriage whether families is not to begin their December they realize it or not.

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families For Jewish-Americans, there’s the shared up in devout families may have their own experience of being part of an historically distress over the crass commercializing of vulnerable minority group. Some Jews find Christmas, even if they are no longer deeply Christmas celebrations fun and choose to religious themselves.

Some Jews find Christmas celebrations fun and choose to join in – others feel encroached upon and grumpy over the ubiquitous presence of Santa and Joy to the World

join in – others feel encroached upon and The bottom line is everyone who lives grumpy over the ubiquitous presence of in America brings some pre-existing Santa and Joy to the World. Also, some Jews experiences and patterns of thought to with a strong knowledge of Jewish history the winter holiday season. Whether people associate Christmas with earlier, darker eras find themselves struggling over questions when Jewish communities sometimes faced that need exploring, and maybe even hostility or worse around Christmas negotiating, varies from person to person. At or Easter time. Different Jews have InterfaithFamily, we hope to support couples different reactions to the widespread to cultivate trust and goodwill within their presence of Christmas decor, music, family unit as they explore what they’re religious imagery, etc. bringing to these questions. We’re your allies as you discuss your hopes and wishes around American children is going mad for Christians who’ve partnered romantically for how your interfaith family approaches Santa Claus, Christmas trees, and presents. with Jews also bring their own set of this confluence of two of the most popular Strangers approach on the street and circumstances and experiences to these holidays in our society. sweetly wish us “Merry Christmas,” and holidays. Some Christians have always had kids who don’t celebrate Christmas don’t thoroughly secular family celebrations of always know how to respond. Sometimes Christmas and may not understand why Children interfaith parents have to deal with sensitive their Jewish partners – especially if they For children of all backgrounds in America, issues of church/state separation. In some are not traditionally observant Jews – are Christmas is really a big deal, whether communities, public schools may appear so easily triggered. Christians who grew they celebrate it or not. The whole world to cross inappropriate lines in Christmas-

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families And yet, these bumps in the road aren’t all bad. They present interfaith families with important opportunities to embrace the best ideals that form the foundation of our free, open, pluralistic society. Pre-teaching your kids about these kinds of situations gives you a chance to explain what your family values most and how it looks at the December holidays. It also gives you a chance to encourage your kids to learn how to be both compassionate and assertive – how to stand up for themselves if they aren’t being treated with respect, but also how to give others the benefit of the doubt and refrain from pouncing on people too easily.

themed concerts that may relegate Hanukkah to “token song” status or insist on kids of different faiths singing very religious Strangers approach on the street and sweetly wish us Christmas songs. “Merry Christmas,” and kids who don’t celebrate Christmas don’t always know how to respond . The healthiest thing parents in interfaith families can do is talk to each other in advance and figure out what your shared, core values are. Preparing your kids who scolds a child in front of his classmates Telling Your Kids Your Family’s beforehand for situations that may come when the child innocently mentions that “Founding Story” up will help them know who they are – they his home has a Christmas tree next to The unfortunate attitude that assumes that are the children of your loving, thoughtful, the menorah; the Christian teacher who all interfaith families create problems for interfaith family. They need to know from starts talking about her passionate religious their kids and their faith communities is their parents that that’s completely OK belief in Jesus in the public school – these thankfully receding somewhat, but it’s still and they can be proud of it. These tricky aren’t easy scenes to navigate for grown-ups out there and your kids may encounter situations – the Hebrew school teacher or children. it in a number of different settings during

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families the holiday season. This Focal Point: Religious School is part of the “dilemma” Programs and Your Kids mindset. One way If your family belongs to a synagogue or to counteract those church, you may want to speak with the messages is for parents clergy or religious school principal to of interfaith families to seek assurances that your child won’t tell your children your be chastised if s/he shares details about family’s “founding story” in your family’s mixed practices. Even if the positive terms, including clergy are wonderfully sensitive with their Photo: Flickr user Sandor Weisz the interfaith aspects, and words to interfaith families, congregations to reassure them that often rely on volunteers or very part-time who they are is a blessing teachers to work with kids in religious just as they are. If others school programs, youth groups, etc. are telling your kids that Sometimes those well-meaning adults are there’s something wrong the people who react unskillfully when a with their family make-up, child innocently says something that stems you can empower your from their interfaith family background. By kids by teaching them that bringing up this possibility with clergy and the world needs many religious school principals well in advance different kinds of people of the December holidays, interfaith and different kinds of families. that conversation privately after this year’s parents can give these professionals the holidays are over. opportunity to talk with, or even train up, We encourage interfaith families to talk their volunteers and part-time staff so that about your winter holiday choices and they better understand the importance your values, make the decisions you Some Specific Approaches of maintaining a welcoming space, need to make, communicate the info Interfaith Families Use and the potentially damaging impact of in age-appropriate ways to your kids The families who use InterfaithFamily as saying something that might shame a and your close friends and family, and a resource take a variety of approaches child in front of peers. If you belong to a then – when unexpected challenges to home observances of Hanukkah and/ synagogue and decide to be pro-active on happen – back each other up as parents. or Christmas. Some Jewish partners this issue there, feel free to let them know In two parent households, if one partner like Christmas just fine and don’t feel that InterfaithFamily offers trainings and realizes that s/he would like to modify the slightest awkwardness participating online resource materials for synagogue the family’s December holiday game in celebrating it. Others feel very and religious school staffs on these issues. plan, it will probably be easier to have uncomfortable about having Christmas

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families holidays that different relatives celebrate. This model works for parents who are comfortable saying to kids something like, “Daddy and I decided that what we both want is to celebrate the Jewish holidays in our home, and when we visit Grandpa and Grandma, to share in their Christmas celebration.” As with any other approach

If your family decides to take the approach of having both Hanukkah and Christmas at home, communicate with each other well, show unity of purpose to your kids, and let friends and family know beforehand . symbols or celebrations in their homes. This A. Celebrate Hanukkah at Home and is another one of those issues that requires Visit Christmas (or Vice-Versa) to the winter holidays, communicating well good communication, since there’s such For families raising Jewish children, having between parents and asking extended family a wide variety of possible reactions that an Hanukkah at home and visiting relatives members to honor and support how you’re individual might have. for Christmas can be a good option. For framing things are ingredients for success. interfaith parents who have decided that So what are some of the more common they are raising their kids as Jews, this Of course, this model can be reversed. decisions interfaith families make in their option creates the opportunity to model Some interfaith families are raising Christian approach to the December holidays? what it means to have a positive attitude children, and they may want to flip this Here are three possibilities, presented in toward being part of a multi-faith extended model and celebrate Christmas at home and no particular order: family, including participating in the different visit Hanukkah.

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families Some Jewish families want their children to have all the goodies of Christmas, without Christmas .

Some families have a Christmas area and what these different symbolic choices a Hanukkah area, while other families just mean to each of you. If you’re an interfaith divide the time, not the space. couple hoping to have kids but don’t have any yet, talk these things through now. If If your family decides to take the approach you’re an interfaith couple bringing kids of having both Hanukkah and Christmas at from a previous union into your marriage, home, communicate with each other well, talk through your options in light of the show unity of purpose to your kids, and decisions you’re making as a couple about let friends and family know beforehand. how to honor the religious identities of the Some of them may have judgments – kids who came along before you were a but if the both of you are united in your couple, as well as any additional kids you pre-planned decisions, then you can set may be planning to have together. your boundaries with those people and, if appropriate, prepare your kids in advance for comments or attitudes they may encounter C. Do Christmas-Flavored Hanukkah among relatives or family friends. You can or Hanukkah-Flavored Christmas be transparent with your kids about what Some Christian families want to include and you’re doing and why, and tell them to take integrate Hanukkah into their Christmas pride in who they are and who you are as a celebrations, just like they want to include B. Celebrating Both Holidays family regardless of whether or not others and integrate their Jewish relatives and in Your House fully understand. This is an important life friends. Some Jewish families want In some interfaith households, there skill that will come up for kids, as they grow their children to have all the goodies of are decorations up for Christmas and up, in many different areas of life, not just Christmas, without Christmas. You can Hanukkah. The family lights Hanukkah questions of interfaith issues. already see some of this in any store that candles and spins the dreidel and also has sells holiday or party decorations, in the a tree and stockings. For some families, If these issues are difficult for your family, form of large paper Hanukkah-themed this works. Doing both is a way to show talk them through with an extra measure ornaments and decorations for your house. that they value both parents’ traditions. of patience and a desire to understand

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families Sometimes these generous impulses lead to some creative syncretism (blending of different religions), like “the Hanukkah bush” and Hanukkah Harry as substitutions for the Christmas tree and Santa Claus. Christian relatives may acquire Jewish- themed Christmas ornaments or Hanukkah decorations to add to the festive feeling in their houses, or they may want to serve latkes with their Christmas roast.

If your family decides to embrace some of these blended-symbols, be aware that this is another one of those areas that can trigger discomfort for some in the Jewish community. There is an emotional trigger point in parts of the Jewish community around even playful syncretism with tree at home. Some in the organized Jewish trigger for Jewish partners. It’s also not Christianity. For families that decide on community will claim that interfaith families uncommon for Jewish relatives to feel mixing or blending elements of both that have Christmas trees aren’t generally uncomfortable celebrating Hanukkah in holidays, communicating openly and successful in passing on Jewish identity the presence of Christmas decorations. To compassionately with in-laws or other to children. For what it’s worth, there’s no add to the complexity, sometimes Christian loved ones well in advance can help reduce research that shows that having a tree in partners – especially those who have agreed potential tensions, misunderstandings, or the home means that kids won’t end up to raise Jewish children – can’t fathom why misinterpretations of the parents’ intentions. identifying as Jewish, especially in homes having a Christmas tree, just as a gesture of where people also engage in regular Jewish respect to the Christian partner’s heritage ritual practices, like lighting Shabbat candles and family, is so threatening to their Jewish To Tree or Not to Tree? That Is every week. At InterfaithFamily we’ve done mate. There have been countless couples’ (Sometimes) the Question surveys on December holiday practices over arguments over whether or not a Christmas For interfaith families who have decided to the last several years, and you can see our tree is a “religious” Christian symbol. If you raise their children with Judaism as their full findings onthis and other questions here. find yourselves having some version of this or partial religious identity, one of the most debate, it’s helpful to remember that what commonly occurring questions that comes Still, sometimes discussing having a actually matters is how both partners in a up is whether or not to have a Christmas Christmas tree at home can be an emotional relationship are feeling about the tree and

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families how well they are able to communicate and, they’ve already agreed to prioritize if necessary, compromise. Judaism on the biggest issues, and they may feel hurt or resentful that It can be helpful for Christian partners to their Jewish partner isn’t willing to bear in mind that what may be scary for accommodate what feels to them Jewish partners about having a tree is the like a small but important request. deeply ingrained Jewish fear of disappearing. As members of a very small minority group immersed in the ubiquitous American Adoptive Families & Christmas scene, the prospect of having Blended Families a Christmas tree in the home may arouse For adoptive interfaith parents, feelings of being subsumed by the dominant there can be additional factors in culture and feelings of guilt over a perceived play when thinking through the failure to carry on Judaism. December holidays. Some adoptive parents have an “open adoption,” Likewise, it can be helpful for Jewish which means that there’s some partners to bear in mind that many Christian degree of contact with birth family partners – including those who are not at all members (even if the agreement religious – have precious associations with is that this contact is limited to the Christmas trees of their childhood. They something like an annual exchange may feel like their Jewish partners are being of holiday cards and photos, the unreasonably inflexible and insensitive to adoption is considered “open”). If their cherished memories of Christmases the child’s birth family heritage is shared with parents, grandparents, deceased different than one or both parents’, loved ones, etc. Christian partners who’ve then there’s an opportunity to find agreed to raise Jewish children may feel that creative ways to honor the child’s

In many ways, adoptive families and blended families face different sets of challenges . But, what they have in common is the presence of children with complex identities tied to more than one set of parents .

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families birth heritage within the framework of Life is going to bring all of our kids many situations that are whatever celebrations your family has emotionally or interpersonally complex . What’s toxic for kids is decided to have. witnessing their parents treat each other with disrespect, or fail It’s also important to remember that not to communicate honestly, or fail to honor agreements . all adoptions are infant adoptions. Some interfaith parents adopt kids who have been in foster care and already have developed In many ways, adoptive families and blended Divorced Interfaith some form of religious or cultural identity families face different sets of challenges. But, Parents Co-Parenting the prior to being adopted. Or, sometimes a what they have in common is the presence Winter Holidays relative dies and an interfaith couple adopts of children with complex identities tied to their children. In these cases, there can be more than one set of parents. Divorced interfaith parents face the many considerations to weigh regarding challenge of negotiating many parenting and the children’s previous upbringing, the In all of these diverse family configurations, family issues with their exes. Chances are importance of December holiday symbols as the same core relationship skills are the that if they do a good job overall as divorced a remembrance of their birth family, or the tools that can help interfaith parents make co-parents, they’ll do a good job handling wishes of deceased parent(s). thoughtful decisions about the December the issues around the December holidays. holidays together. In the organized Jewish The same basic rules that lead to success for And of course, there are many “blended community we sometimes hear the claim divorced parents apply here: families” in our communities – parents made that raising kids in a home that has who’ve had kids in previous marriages or parents of different religions is hard on the • Honest, respectful communication partnerships and who have chosen to marry kids because it’s more complicated than • Reasonableness and merge households. Parents of blended everyone in the family having the same • Non-vindictiveness families often work together to navigate new religion, and because kids will feel torn in • Honoring agreements family dynamics, including step-parenting, their loyalties to each parent. What this • Seeking mediation or counseling sharing custody with ex-partners, moving line of thinking fails to take into account is when needed to a new home, and changing routines. that most nuclear families are complicated • Refraining from denigrating your ex The challenges that blended families take in a variety of ways, and that raising to your kids on in building a new family unit out of what psychologically and spiritually healthy were previously two separate families can kids is more about thoughtful parenting Again, complexity isn’t the enemy – life is also add layers of complexity to religious and communication than it is about going to bring all of our kids many situations identity issues. avoiding complexity. that are emotionally or interpersonally complex. What’s toxic for kids is witnessing

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families their parents treat each other with However, we all do make disrespect, or fail to communicate honestly, mistakes sometimes, or fail to honor agreements. and if you really think you made an error in In cases of divorce resulting from severe judgment about some harm of some sort having been inflicted aspect of how you by a parent on their partner or the kids, the handled December boundaries that are needed for safety and holiday issues, then healing may dramatically change the picture. what matters is what For custodial parents whose prime focus is we want to model for sheltering their children from an abusive ex, our kids regarding working with a trusted counselor to explore how we handle our interfaith identity questions regarding the mistakes, right? kids may be the best way to go. Obviously, safety, dignity and respect are the top The Christmas tree priorities under these circumstances. decision, or the choice whether or not to mix Hanukkah and Christmas What if We Make Mistakes decorations are not as Parents in Handling matters of life and death. These holidays well and share a few thoughts or ideas that Hanukkah / Christmas? are opportunities to model thoughtful, might prove helpful. If you’d like to email or All parents make mistakes about all sorts caring family communication, and they are talk with someone at InterfaithFamily, send of things. When it comes to emotionally opportunities for trial and error. an email to [email protected]. loaded issues like religion and the December holidays, you may receive unasked for opinions on your decisions from relatives, We have questions. Feedback on this Guide friends, co-workers, clergy or even total Who can we talk to? InterfaithFamily is very interested in hearing strangers. It’s helpful to cultivate a bit of a In addition to your local clergy, friends or from real interfaith families about whether thick skin and to think ahead of time about other nearby trusted resources, we have these guides are helpful. Please feel free how you might respond in these situations. staff here at InterfaithFamily who are more to share your comments, praises, critiques What someone else considers a parenting than happy to take a little time to hear your or suggestions for additional topics to mistake may in reality be parenting wisdom. specific questions or challenges. We’re not be covered in this guide by writing to counselors and we can’t offer intensive [email protected]. problem-solving services, but we can listen Thank you!

Click logo to return to table of contents Guide to Hanukkah for Interfaith Families