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Why Buy a Computer? How, Read the Instructions and Buy Books in Bookstores

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Why Buy a Computer? How, Read the Instructions and Buy Books in Bookstores Thanks for picking up this book. I appreciate the lift. occasionally bump into a paragraph that’s outdated or otherwise ill-advised, for which I humbly apologize, o master. Unique I’m your slave. Phone me anytime at 603-666-6644 to whip This is the only book whose author is weird enough to try to me into improving. I’m all ears, to improve my tongue. reveal everything important about computers — and also tricky living — all in one book. You can learn part of this info Come visit yourself, without this book, by just asking weird friends & When you visit New Hampshire, drop in & use my library, experimenting & sloshing through the Internet’s drivel, but free, anytime, day or night! In case I’m having an orgy with my 50 reading this book will save you lots of time and teach you tricks computers, phone first to pick a time when we’re cooled down. you can’t find elsewhere. You can also call the author’s cell Visit SecretFun.com. It reveals any hot news about us, gives phone, 603-666-6644, for free help, day or night. He’s usually you useful links, and lets you read parts of this book online, free. available. He’s me. Go ahead: bug me now! I read all email sent to [email protected]. I guarantee to Earlier editions were rated “the best,” praised by reply, but just by phone, so then phone me at 603-666-6644. The New York Times and thousands of other major newspapers, magazines, and gurus worldwide, in many countries; but this Mail the coupon 33rd edition is even better! It adds the world’s newest Mail us the coupon on this book’s last page. It gets you crap achievements: Windows 10, Python programming, Trump, our free Secret Brochure, plus discounts on extra copies of and other fantastic goodies/baddies: over 40,000 updates! this edition and other editions. It explains clearly, without wasting your time: How to buy computers & smartphones smartly Love your librarian How to use modern Windows, iPads, iPhones, and Androids pleasantly These details will save your librarian from getting fired. How to use the Internet, email, Microsoft Office, and more, beyond competence Title: Secret Guide to Computers & Tricky Living, 33rd edition How to write programs in many computer languages, to launch your career Author & publisher: Russ Walter at 603-666-6644 (24 hours, usually in) Everything important about life, beginning with health, ending with sex, and Rating: this is the top-rated book about computers & life getting intellectual & artistic along the way, with survival tips and candid Copywrong: January 2017 by Russ Walter chat about the no-no’s (religions, politics, and international cultures) ISBN: Internat. Standard Book Number is 978-0-939151-53-0 No other book comes close. Street address: 196 Tiffany Lane, Manchester NH 03104-4782 Internet addresses: SecretFun.com, [email protected] Hop Hop to whatever topic you like. Page 3 shows them all. Elfish fun Tricky Living begins on page 330 and often gets bizarre. Sex jokes I wrote most of this book myself, but over the years I’ve been hide on pages 500-506, higher than kids can count. helped by many elves, especially these: My wife (Donna Walter) wrote the “Donna’s comments” section. Free phone help Useful tidbits came from Irene Vassos, Len Pallazola, and Lili Timmons. Whenever you have a question about computers or anything else Priscilla Grogan and Kira Barnum slavishly helped me for many years. in your life, call me, Russ, on my cell phone, 603-666-6644, Thousands of readers told me how to improve earlier editions. for free help. Yeah, call day or night, around the clock, 24 hours. Family & friends supported me when life got yukky. I’m usually available, and I sleep just lightly. I’ve answered hundreds of thousands of phone calls about Don’t read this computers (how to buy, use, fix, and program them), careers, and My editor told me to put this stuff in. You don’t have to read it. the rest of life (health, dating, other relationships, schools, foreign Dedication I dedicate this book to the computer, without cultures, God, and beyond). whom I’d be unemployed. I answer most questions directly. If your question’s too tricky for a quick answer, I’ll teach you how to find the answer yourself Acknowledgment I’d like to thank: and which people & resources to use. Try me. I’m free. my many friends (whose names I’ve gladly forgotten) When you phone, begin by saying your name, city, my students (who naturally aren’t my friends) my word processor (which has a mind of its own) how you got my number (“from the 33rd edition”), and all others who helped make this book impossible your question’s one-sentence summary. Then we’ll have a pleasant chat — unless I’m in the middle of another call or I’d especially like to thank: meeting, in which case I’ll call you back free! God (for influencing this book somehow) I occasionally travel to other countries, to better learn to think Satan (for torturing me to write this book) non-American. During those jaunts I might be harder to reach. Bill Gates (for making software confusing, so I get paid to explain it) Adolph Hitler (for making my dad flee Germany and meet my mom) We must follow these rules: Donald Trump (for making the world bad enough to be worth writing about) For help about your computer, phone when you’re at the computer. For buyers of previous editions (for supporting this dying voice) help with your career or life, sob before calling, then tell me what to analyze. Prerequisite Before reading this book, you must pass this To handle many calls each day while juggling other responsibilities, I must test: count to ten but (here’s the catch!) without looking at your keep the average call to 7 minutes but sometimes go longer. You can call often. fingers. To remove the temptation, cut them off. If the answer’s in this book, I’ll tell you the page but you must read it yourself. What this book will do for you It’ll make you even I can’t help you do baddies (such as taking illegal drugs, using pirated richer than the author! Alas, he’s broke. software, or bombing the USA). Any original ideas in this book are errors. If you’re a kid, get your parents’ permission to phone. Apology Copyright Copying this book is all right! Make as many Ears copies as you like, and don’t pay us a cent. Just follow the “free I wish everything in this book were 100% true, but computers reprints” instructions on page 9. & the world change faster than any human can write, so you’ll Forward because it’s too late to turn back. Buying: use this book 1 Office The Office section explains how to use Microsoft Office’s What’s in this book? 5 best parts: Word (for word processing), Excel (for spreadsheets), PowerPoint (for slide shows), Publisher (for desktop publishing), Feast your eyes on the massive table of contents, splashed and Access (for databases). It also reveals when to use anti- across the next page. It reveals that the Guide includes all 8 parts Microsoft software instead! of computer life: Buying: how to buy great computers and smartphones, cheaply Tricky tech Windows: how to use Windows to handle life & the Internet The tricky tech section covers tricky computer applications Handhelds: how to use tablets and smartphones that earlier sections didn’t dare touch. Office: how to use Microsoft Office (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, etc.) You learn to create great pictures and do Web-page design Tricky tech: arts, Web-page design, games, and robots (using templates and HTML). You get into computer games. You Tricky living: life beyond computers, from the practical to the naughty discover how to turn computers into humans, by giving computers Programming: how to program in Basic, Python, Java, C#, and beyond the gift of humanity. Parting: our past, your future, and what to do next Have fun: Tricky living Hardware details too hard to understand? Get electrified, starting on page 10. There’s more to life than just computers! The tricky living Wanna buy modern computers? Their wrestling match starts on page 53. section explains everything beyond computers. Windows gotcha worried? Get your brain untangled, starting on page 65. It begins on page 330. It digs into health (nutrition, exercise, Oh-oh! Problems with security, maintenance, repairs? Fixes start on page 171. Got an Apple thingy but still feel dumb about its details? Undumb on page 189. maladies, and funny doctors), daily survival (housing, Got an Android thingy instead? Undumb, starting on page 203. transportation, and money), intellectuals (educators, researchers, Word, Excel, and the rest of Office giving you hell? Make heaven on page 230. math, and science), arts (painting, music, movies, and writing), Scared about your health & how you’ll die? Page 330 starts your glow. government (politics, economy, law, and war), American cultures Talk real intellectual-like by taking the hey-hey hayride bumps from page 362. (craziness in New England and beyond), foreign cultures, Become an artiste without being teased? Emoting starts on page 381. (Canadian, German, Spanish, French, Japanese, and Chinese), Political elephants & donkeys both emit piles of shit. Savor them on page 400. Oh no! Trump? His rise, pratfalls, & the battles to down him start on page 406. Donna’s comments (about the Chinese and crazy Americans), Make fun of lawyers before they make funk of you? Giggles start on page 418.
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