Navigating the Dynamics of Trust, Betrayal, and Revenge Megan Tschannen-Moran, Ph.D. William & Mary School of Education [email protected]
Trust has paradoxically been likened to a glue and a lubricant. It is also a choice that involves taking a leap of faith.
Trust is a form of social capital for those in a high trust network.
Trust is feeling at ease in interdependence based on the confidence that the other person is benevolent, honest, open, reliable, and competent.
Trust must be actively cultivated. There is a courtship period early in a relationship in which trust assessments are most active.
Optimal Trust is finding the golden mean between trusting enough and not trusting too much.
The Philosopher Annette Baier observed that we tend to notice trust as we notice air, only as it becomes scarce or polluted.
Distrust may emerge from: a breech in civic order such as lying, breaking promises, disclosure of confidential information, stealing ideas or credit from others, abusive exercise of power or authority a breech of identity such as insults, public criticism, wrong or unfair accusations, being blamed for another person’s mistakes
Betrayal is a voluntary violation of mutually understood expectations that has the potential to threaten the well-being of the trusting person Betrayal involves an action or behavior The act has the potential to cause harm, even if other factors mitigate the actual harm caused Even if never detected, the violation still constitutes a betrayal
The Dynamics of Revenge: Detection of betrayal =>Confusion and disbelief=> Anger => Selection of a revenge strategy: Social withdrawal, Revenge fantasies, Feuding, Confrontation, Forgiveness.
Revenge tends to be cool and calculated, and quite rational in both deliberation and delivery (Bies & Tripp, 1996)
Resentment: Stems from wounded pride. It is clandestine and defensive in nature, incapable creative or constructive action. It can lead to sabotage (Solomon & Flores, 2001).
Restoring Trust Even in the midst of tension and conflict, trust can be fostered through the conciliatory initiatives of one party acting unilaterally, signaling the desire to establish trust without sacrificing the genuine need to protect his or her interests (Fisher & Brown, 1988).
The Four A’s of Absolution Admit it Apologize Ask Forgiveness Amend Your Ways
The victim determines what is required to restore trust Offer forgiveness Specifying acts of reparation (either reasonable or unreasonable in the eyes of the perpetrator) Or may refuse to accept any actions, terms or conditions for restoring trust
Trust repair is facilitated by: demonstrating constructive attitudes establishing clear boundaries being meticulously reliable using persuasion rather than coercion communication of promises and credible threats constructive conflict resolution strategies.
The Game of Who’s Right Instead of playing the game “Making Life Wonderful”, we often play the game called “Who’s Right.” Do you know that game? It’s a game where everybody loses. ~Marshall Rosenberg 4-D’s of Disconnection DIAGNOSE, judge, label, criticize e.g., “The problem with you is that...” DENY responsibility for one’s actions and feelings e.g., “I had no choice.” “You made me feel ...” DEMAND e.g., “You should (have to, must, ought to, are supposed to)…” “You can’t do that.” DESERVE e.g., “She deserved what she got.” “I don’t deserve this.”
Compassionate Communication (Also called Nonviolent Communication. See www.cnvc.org) Observations Feelings Needs (Universal human needs) Requests Causal Attributions Possible Primary Feelings Possible Underlying Needs The Game of The Realm of Attacked Angry Scared Safety, Respect Belittled Indignant, Outraged Distressed, Tense Respect, Autonomy, To Be Seen, WHO’S RIGHT POSSIBILITIES Embarrassed Acknowledgement, Appreciation Blamed Indignant, Angry Scared Bewildered Hurt Fairness, Justice, Understanding Betrayed Outraged Disappointed Stunned, Hurt Trust, Dependability, Honesty, Respect, Commitment, Clarity, Security Boxed In Angry Frustrated Scared, Anxious Autonomy, Choice, Freedom, Self-Efficacy R C e on Coerced Angry Frustrated Scared, Anxious Autonomy, Choice, Freedom, Self-Efficacy s n q d e u n ct e Criticized Irritated Scared, Anxious Humiliated Understanding, Acknowledgement, io a n s Embarrassed Recognition , t m s A s e e N c i e t Disrespected Indignant Frustrated Embarrassed Hurt Respect, Trust, Acknowledgement D g e io te d n Distrusted Frustrated Sad Hurt Honesty, Authenticity, Integrity, Trust a F s r ts e t h e Angry Aggravated, Exasperated Respect, Consideration, Ease l Harassed S g in Pressured, Frightened u O o s b g n se s Irritated, Irked, Frustrated Distressed Autonomy, Ease, Calm, Space h o r Hassled T ti v a a Insulted Angry, Incensed Embarrassed Respect, Consideration, t lu i Acknowledgement, Recognition C o a t on ec n v r n Interrupted Resentful Irritated Hurt Respect, Consideration, To Be Heard s E r e o c t Intimidated Frightened, Scared, Vulnerable Safety, Power, Self-Efficacy, Independence C Left Out Anxious Lonely, Sad Belonging, Community, Connection, To Be Seen
Angry, Resentful Vulnerable Sad Autonomy, Consideration, Choice, Power Manipulated N O Misunderstood Upset, Dismayed, Frustrated Understanding, To Be Heard, Clarity Overworked Resentful, Angry Frustrated Tired Respect, Consideration, Caring, Rest, Ease Pressured Resentful Overwhelmed, Anxious Relaxation, Ease, Clarity, Space, Consideration NTENT I I Rejected Angry, Defiant Scared Hurt Belonging, Connection, Acknowledgement Taken Advantage Of Angry Frustrated Powerless Autonomy, Power, Trust, Choice, Connection, Acknowledgement Taken For Granted Angry Disappointed Hurt Appreciation, Acknowledgement, Recognition, Consideration Tricked Furious, Indignant Embarrassed Integrity, Honesty, Trust STIMULUS Unappreciated Frustrated, Irritated Sad Hurt Appreciation, Respect, Acknowledgement Unsupported Resentful Sad Hurt Support, Understanding Violated Outraged Agitated Anxious Sad Safety, Trust, Space, Respect
CST_169510_Compassionate_BroUpdate_FINAL_Outlined.indd 1 2/1/17 7:52 PM Transcendence e Meaning g Rela R en Purpose e ll xation, Sleepst a Leisure, Ease h Inspiration C Beauty, Order Humor, Play Adventure y ning Creativity Gratitude Exploration ar Celebration Discover Wonder Peace Hope Harmony Novelty, Le E y Mo Understanding Connection m Risk, Excitement ur Compassion m Competition p o Courage n Benevolence ing a Respect n t Affection o h t y
u Love
A
Choice, Control Independence Individuality Power Self‐Efficacy Freedom
Space, Privacy VITALITY Authenticity Integrity Congr Self‐Expression Openness
Clarity y H uence t o Belonging Support i
n Acceptance n Appreciation e u Cooperation s To Matter t Trust, m Competence To Be Heard y Contr m o Security Acknowledgment Responsibility C ibution Productivity Protection Comfort Fairness Reli Shelter Justice a Exercisebility Food Structure Water, Air Predictability W y o Reassurancet r Health fe k Sa Healing Subsistence
CST_169510_Compassionate_BroUpdate_FINAL_Outlined.indd 2 2/1/17 7:52 PM