Exponent II

Am I Not a Woman and a Sister? Vol. 30, No. 1 Summer 2010 ontents EDITORIAL STAFF C Co-Editors-in-Chief Letter from our Editors...... 3 Global Zion Aimee Hickman How the Peace Corps Emily Clyde Curtis Exponent Generations Turned me Mormon...... 24 Death and Rebirth...... 4 Sylvia Cabus Design Editor Emmeline B. Wells Margaret Olsen Hemming Suzanne Hawes Goodness Gracious Alisa Curtis Bolander Alternative Journaling...... 26 Copy Editor Linda Hoffman Kimball Kathleen Gaisford Awakenings Poetry Editor Which Right is Right?...... 9 Sabbath Pastorals Judy Curtis Kristen Olsen The Atonement and the Two Great Commandments...... 27 Fiction Editor In the Company of Nuns...... 11 Allison Pond Lisa Hadley Deborah Kris Tribute: Remembering Art Editor Sisters Speak Linda Sillitoe...... 31 Kiri Close Teaching about Sexual Abuse...... 14 Poetry Exponent Generations Editor Deborah Kris Lone Sheep...... 18 Advice on Love; Missing Persons; Pandora Brewer From the Laurel...... 32 Goodness Gracious Editor Linda Sillitoe Linda Hoffman Kimball Women’s Theology Abigail...... 22 Flannel Board Sisters Speak Editor Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Lesson on Infertility...... 33 Caroline Kline Linda Eastley Sabbath Pastorals Editor Book Review...... 36 Margaret Olsen Hemming Janessa Ransom Awakenings Editor Special thanks to Cassandra Barney, John Willard Clawson, Galen Dara, Jessica Steed Sharon Furner, Alice B. Hemming, Tessa Lindsey and Karen Warshal for the use of their artwork in this issue. Book Review Editor Laura McCune-Poplin Submissions to Exponent II We welcome personal essays, articles, poetry, fiction, and book reviews for con- Staff: Marci Anderson, D’Arcy Benin- sideration. Please email submissions to [email protected] or mail them cosa, Kristy Benton, Sylvia Cabus, Susan to Exponent II, 2035 Park Avenue, Baltimore, MD 21217. Please include your name Christiansen, Sariah Kell, Kendahl Mil- and contact information. Submissions received by mail will not be returned. lecam, Meghan Raynes, Jana Remy, Julie We are always looking for artwork and photography to accompany our writing. Hemming Savage, Suzette Smith, Heather Please send jpegs or gifs of art submissions to our email. If you are interested in Sundahl, Brooke Williams illustrating articles, please contact us for specific assignments. EXECUTIVE BOARD The purpose of Exponent II is to promote sisterhood by providing a forum for President Mormon women to share their life experiences in an atmosphere of trust and Barbara Streeper Taylor acceptance. Our common bond is our connection to the Mormon Church and our commitment to women in the Church. The courage and spirit of women challenge Members: Linda Andrews, Andrea Alex- and inspire us to examine and shape the direction of our lives. We are confident ander, Emily Clyde Curtis, Cheryl DiVito, that this open forum will result in positive change. We publish this paper in cel- Nancy Dredge, Judy Dushku, Karen Ha- ebration of the strength and diversity of women. glund, Evelyn Harvill, Sue Hawes, Margaret Olsen Hemming, Aimee Hickman, Linda Exponent II (ISSN 1094-7760) is published quarterly by Exponent II Incorporated, a non-profit Hoffman Kimball, Caroline Kline, Jana corporation with no official connection with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Remy, Heather Sundahl, Barbara Streeper Articles published represent the opinions of authors only and not necessarily those of the editor or staff. Letters to Exponent II or its editors and Sisters Speak articles are assumed intended for Taylor, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich publication in whole or in part and may therefore be used for such purposes. Cover Art by Tessa Lindsey Cover Design by Aimee Hickman Copyright © 2010 by Exponent II, Inc. All rights reserved. and Margaret Olsen Hemming Letter from our Editors Rebirth

When Exponent II published its first paper in 1974 ued to tackle the controversial topics Exponent II has its founders were thrilled that it was an “instant suc- never shied away from, like homosexuality, war, abor- cess.” Born alongside the feminist movement of the tion, and hallmarks of Mormon feminism, including 1960’s and 1970’s, Exponent II reached Mormon Heavenly Mother and LDS women and the priesthood. feminists with the message that they were not an oxy- We are proud of our history from The Woman’s Expo- moron. Our Founding Mothers aimed to remind their nent to Exponent II to The Exponent blog. We plan to readers of a religious heritage of strong, independent continue these three publications in mutually benefi- women who had been publishing thoughtful, activist cial ways for a new generation of Mormon feminists. writing since the early 1870’s when The Woman’s Ex- Both longtime readers and women new to Mor- ponent was published by Emmeline B. Wells and oth- mon feminism have expressed a longing for a reading ers. Perhaps even more importantly, Exponent II acted experience beyond those available on the Internet: the as “a letter from an old friend” to women throughout chance to read longer pieces, to look at a wider histori- the LDS community who felt isolated in their experi- cal context and most importantly, perhaps, to take the ence and their place in the Church. Before the age of time for the quiet reflection of sitting with someone the Bloggernacle and the virtual communities of the else’s experience without the ability or expectation to like-minded that one can conjure up in an instant from immediately fire back a response in the form of a com- a Google search, Exponent II extended sisterhood in a ment thread. In print, the paper can also function as a quarterly publication that women would stow away in kind of Mormon feminist “pass-along card,” readers their church bags on Sunday—a tangible comfort and might slip issues to their bishop with particular articles reminder that they were not alone in their questions marked up or give a copy to a sister struggling with and experience; that they had someplace to share their a spiritual matter that may be considered too taboo stories. to share in traditional Church settings. For all these Technological advancements over the last decade reasons we are committed to Exponent II’s publishing have proven a boon to Mormon feminists everywhere. legacy of sharing our personal stories through es- The Exponent blog began in January 2006 and has says, artwork, and poetry alongside the wealth of new kept alive Exponent II’s vision of creating a space for forums that are doing so much good to promote the diverse voices while uncertainty loomed over the fu- feminist cause. ture of the quarterly publication. The blog has contin- As Tessa Lindsey’s portrait of Eliza R. Snow on our cover conveys, this is a moment in the long history of Exponent in which we pause to pay homage to our rich heritage of Mormon heroines, from Zion’s Poet- ess to the many editors and contributors to Exponent II over the years. Just as importantly, we hope that the flame ablaze in Eliza’s hand will also serve as remind- er of the work in words waiting to be done by a new generation of writers, and we share with you our hope that you will continue with (or join) us as we work to keep the flame burning brightly.

- Aimee Hickman and Emily Clyde Curtis, June 2010

Emily Clyde Curtis and Aimee Hickman Page 3 Exponent Generations In 1872, our foremothers printed the firstThe Woman’s Exponent (1872 to 1914). One hundred years later, their spiritual granddaughters formed Exponent II (1970s to present), and 30 years after that, a new generation launched Exponent into the digital realm (2006 to present). In each issue, we will pay homage to our chain of sisterhood by reprinting articles which are thematically linked from the three different publications. As the committee mined through hundreds of articles, we felt joyfully overwhelmed by the echoing voices of sisters. For this issue, we looked for stories of death and rebirth. After reading their stories, we feel quite certain that Zina, Suzanne, and Alisa would find comfort being in the same room together, sharing as sisters. Perhaps this is the next best alternative.

Part One: A Distinguished Woman: Zina D. H. Young delicacies to be procured for those little boys, and was warmly wel- in ill health; though loving hands comed by President Young into his by Emmeline B. Wells might minister, and all that tender family.” Salt Lake City, Utah care could do might be done, but in In Winter Quarters Sister Zina December 15, 1881 many instances it could not save, was engaged much of the time The Woman’s Exponent and one after another succumbed among the sick, for, possessing as to disease and death. Sister Zina she does in an eminent degree that In the journey of the Saints says: “Sickness was so prevalent, delicacy of sympathy which brings from Nauvoo, it is well known to and deaths so frequent, that help the human heart sweet consolation those acquainted with the facts, enough could not be obtained to when under the most painful afflic- there were several settlements make coffins, and many of the dead tions, she found an ample field to made by the way, resting places for were wrapped in their grave clothes labor in, and by ministering to the the poor, weary exiles: over one and buried with split logs at the spiritual and temporal needs of the of these, called Mt. Pisgah, Fa- bottom of the grave and brush at saints, in those days of severe trial ther Huntington was appointed to the sides, that being all that could and adversity, she engrafted herself preside, and his daughter, Zina D., be done for them by their mourn- into the affections of the people with her two little boys, remained ing friends. Too soon it became my with whom she was associated, and with her father temporarily. None turn to mourn. My father was taken the memory of her good works will but those who have experienced sick, and in eighteen days he died. live in their hearts forever. something of the hardships of Like my dear mother, who died in The absence of the pioneers on pioneer life can comprehend the the expulsion from Missouri, he their journey to the Rocky Moun- many trials and difficulties bravely died in the exodus from Nauvoo. tains was a time of great anxiety to encountered by the women of Sad was my heart. I alone of all his those who remained behind, and the Latter-day Saints during this children was there to mourn. It was especially to those whose fathers, exodus and their journeying to the a solemn day at Mt. Pisgah when husbands and brothers were mem- valley. my father was buried. The poor bers of that memorable company. Sister Zina very pathetically and needy had lost a friend, the The sisters held regular meetings, describes some of the incidents kingdom of God a faithful servant. to pray and exercise faith for pio- which transpired at Mt. Pisgah. There upon the hillside was his neers. At these meetings Sister Zina Sickness visited the camp; the resting place. The graveyard was was a regular attendee, and she is Saints were weary and worn with so near that I could hear the wolves largely endowed with spirituality, travel and over-exertions, and fell howling as they visited the spot; which qualifies her admirably as an an easy prey to the destroyer, when those hungry monsters, who fain active worker in such a capacity. once attacked with illness which would have unsepulchered those She has, perhaps, as perfect a gift prostrated them. There were no sacred bones! Those days of trial of interpretation of tongues as any and grief were succeeded by my person in the Church, for although journey to Winter Quarters, where, her opportunities for education Page 4 in due time, I arrived with my two in language have been limited, and she is not a poet or rhymer, cooking out of doors, washing which gave new zest to her home yet she gives the interpretation of when camped near a river, and all enjoyments; beneath this rustic hymns, psalms and sacred songs in the various hardships of camp life. roof, on the 3rd of April, 1851, the most musical and happy man- Happy and light-hearted, always a beautiful daughter was born to ner, without thought or hesitation. ready to bless and comfort others Sister Zina and Brigham Young. There is something divinely beau- with kind words and cheery smiles. The mother never considered for a tiful in thus rendering, by the gift President Young and his family moment the hardship of childbirth of inspiration, words uttered in an reached the valley in September; under these circumstances, for it unknown tongue. his family remained in wagons and bore no comparison with other try- tents until he could build shelters ing ordeals through which she and from the inclement weather fast her sisters had been called to pass. approaching. On the hillside, just They called the babe Zina, for its about and a little behind where the mother, and no princess of royal Beehive house stands now, a row ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ of cottages was built of logs, com- Although her opportunities for fortable and shutting out the cold, though the dirt roofs were scarcely education in language have protection from rain. In one of been limited, and she is not a these Sister Zina spent the first poet or rhymer, yet she gives the few years in the valley; her time interpretation of hymns, psalms was almost entirely occupied with and sacred songs in the most household duties, for in those days musical and happy manner, everything must be done at home, candles, soap, starch, molasses and without thought or hesitation. many other articles were manufac- ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ Zina Diantha Huntington Young tured by the sisters; there was little blood was ever more fondly be- by John Willard Clawson machinery of any kind. And then loved, or more tenderly cared for, there was carding, spinning, dye- than this little one, for Sister Zina These seasons of refreshing ing, knitting, weaving, besides the has ever been a devoted mother. among the sisters helped them making and mending of clothing, Subsequently the Lion House endure the weary days and almost in addition to ordinary household was erected, the log row, as it was sleepless nights, while those they duties. Sister Zina rather excelled called, was no longer occupied for so tenderly loved were plodding in most of these domestic pursuits, dwellings, and in that house was the sandy plains, wending their and her hands were always busy. Sister Zina’s home. Here her chil- way through an unknown country She has ever been an early riser, dren grew to manhood and woman- to the then “promised land.” After which is a great advantage in all hood, under the guiding care and the pioneers returned with the good industrial occupations; still she protection of a wise and loving news of their wonderful success found time to help others when any father and mother. Sister Zina has in finding a peaceful home for the were sick, or in need of a friend. In also, in addition to her own family, people of God, the homeless exiles, her humble log cabin she enjoyed had charge of several other chil- such preparations as could be made much domestic happiness, for the dren. After the death of Mrs. Cla- were arranged; everyone was busy, touch of woman’s hand refines and rissa Chase Young, to Sister Zina and there was little time to visit or adorns the humble walls of the was committed the care of her three associate together, except in fami- simplest cottage of the poor where children, a son, Willard, and two lies. love dwells, as well as the prouder, daughters, Maria and Phebe; she Sister Zina, with President loftier mansions of the rich. Peace took them to her heart and cher- Young’s family, left Winter Quar- and contentment reigned in these ished them as her own; the children ters in May, 1848, and shared in the quiet, unpretending homes of the returned her affection and grew up grand march to the mountains the Saints. under her care and guidance. ■ privilege of walking, driving team, Here, too, an event occurred Page 5 Part Two: Alone The services were lovely, and I felt bike parts. I put lots of used parts by Suzanne Hawes supported by family, colleagues, out on the street, hoping someone New Orleans, Louisiana church friends, and the Lord. It was would “liberate” them. No one in Summer 2000 the first time that “Amazing Grace” “the hood” was that hard up, so I Exponent II, Vol. 23, No. 4 and “We Shall Overcome” were hauled bunches of bike trash to the heard in our New Orleans chapel. dump and gave many of the new The day after Christmas in The day before the boys had to bike parts away to a group that 1993, my husband, Jim, a strong leave, we had a spontaneous picnic fixed children’s bikes for Christmas 60-year-old man, left for Cali- at the park on a sparkling winter presents. It took about five months fornia. Two weeks later, he came day. As I watched my grandkids to get the business cleaned out of home as ashes in a friend’s back- and their uncles run around in the the house—all this while trying pack. Thus began my abrupt initia- winter sun, I realized that my life to work full time at my job at the tion into the world of widowhood. would go on and that it could be Army Corps of Engineers. I didn’t We had been caring for Jim’s in- beautiful and meaningful. have much time to feel lonely. valid mother in our home when her The boys went home, and I Finding friends as a single house in California was partially was left to care for Jim’s mother, woman became difficult. I had destroyed by fire. Jim flew out Carolyn, and to continue on in my close friends at work, but they were to see what could be salvaged. A profession. Carolyn suffered from all married, as were most of the drunk driver killed him on his way emphysema and was at the stage folks at church. When two single to the airport to fly home. no one talks about. Her brain was sisters came into the branch, we be- I got the long-distance call in not getting enough oxygen, and came friends, but never close ones. the middle of the night that lets she didn’t know who she was or Neither of them was interested in you know a loved one is gone. I what she was doing. She had to be my feminist views. So Cindy and don’t remember the rest of that fed, dressed, and so forth. I think Dave have become my best friends. night very well. I phoned my she somehow did understand that The house Jim and I had lived daughter Cindy and her husband her son was dead. I was able to get in for twenty-eight years had been Dave, who live in town, and my daytime sitters for her, but she only converted from a barn in 1885. It sons in Ohio and Massachusetts. lived two weeks more and passed had some structural problems—as Cindy and Dave were here as soon away quietly in her sleep. do many houses in New Orleans as they could find a babysitter. My I was now living alone for the since the city is built on wetland branch president came, and he and first time in my life. soils—and the floor of the laundry Dave gave me a blessing. After During the first few months, room had rotted out. A couple of everyone left, I sat looking at our I would start crying when I saw moonlighting engineers from work Christmas tree. I knew the tree had something of Jim’s. So I gave his replaced the floor at a reasonable to come down before the boys ar- clothes to my sons and grandsons price, but I realized that the house rived home, because I didn’t want and to Goodwill. Our children wasn’t in good shape and was way them to always connect their dad’s took what they needed from Jim’s too big for me. A year after Jim’s death with Christmas. So I set huge collection of tools, and I death, the small house across the about taking down the tree. took enough for a toolkit for the street from Cindy and Dave was My sons—one with his wife mechanically-challenged. The rest I going to be sold. I made a deal with and the other with his fiancée—ar- gave to Habitat for Humanity. They the owners before it was ever put rived the next day. Friends from were very touched to get the weld- on the market. Then I gave a good church and work came by and ing set; they had been praying for price on my house to a neighbor, brought their love as well as food. one for over a year. and he was able to buy it. The family planned the funeral, Jim had run a bike repair/parts I love the “new” house. It was which was held at our church even shop from our garage for about built in 1956, and it is in good though Jim was not a member. eighteen years. Being a thrifty shape, so I don’t need to worry Yankee, he never threw anything about fixing it up. Being across the away, and the garage and attic street from my daughter and her Page 6 were crammed with used and new family has worked out very well both for me and for Cindy’s family. time, I am involved with the Audu- making new, discussing Mormon- Her husband has adult-onset epi- bon Society and Sierra Club, which ism, singing, and canoeing. lepsy, which has taken four years to I enjoy very much. There is little This year, some of my older sin- control enough so he could drive. time to feel sorry for myself. gle friends have been finding male It was very handy to have another Being alone is hard when you companionship and rediscovering driver available. I see a lot of my are sick. I have fought oral cancer that they have hormones. I have grandkids, too. for three years. Many evenings I thought about looking for a male To avoid loneliness, I keep very would have appreciated some in- friend, but my first requirement, busy. For a workaholic, this is easy. house support. Cindy cooked meals after thirty-eight years of marriage At the Corps, my work is never and visited and the boys phoned to a non-member, is that he be a done; in fact, it is far too tempting often, but it was and is a lonely devoted member of the church. to work nine or ten hours a day. I battle. There just ain’t any such guys in try hard to avoid doing so. I teach My Exponent sisters have Louisiana. So, for the time being, I the temple preparation class at helped support me through widow- am resigned to staying single. church and am Relief Society sec- hood and sickness. The Irish con- And, after thinking about it, I retary and organist (the latter job tingent led by Sue Booth-Forbes realize that even though I miss the consists of queuing up tapes of the has prayed for me in the stone cir- companionship of having a spouse hymns we will sing). cle. Cheryl Howard keeps sending (and, of course, sex), I do have I know lots of good and dedicat- me hysterical humor off the Net, nearly total freedom now to do ed folks in federal and state agen- and Mary Bradford wrote me a what I want, when I want. There is cies due to my work in the Corps. lorica (a poem that Celtic warriors something to be said for that. Most of us working to preserve wore on their breastplates). This My spirit is nurtured by being Louisiana’s wetlands feel that it is poem has helped me stand taller outside, so as I get stronger, I try to a calling and not just a job, which and be stronger. The annual retreat walk in beautiful places each day. makes it a pleasure to fight the in New Hampshire is a wonder- In the summer, my job “demands” good fight with them. In my spare ful time for seeing old friends and my being in the marshes; I make sure that I get on all the field trips that I can. I try hard to feed my soul. This last year I have come to appreciate sacred music, especially Lisa Arrington’s. Some scripture study and prayer each day help keep me close to God. Looking back at the last six years of my life, there have been both terribly hard times and mo- ments of great joy. I am certainly stronger now, mentally and spiri- tually. My job is very rewarding and has helped keep my mind off my troubles. Family, colleagues, the Branch, and Exponent sisters have raised my spirits through it all. The Gospel, trips to the temple, and music have uplifted me. And in my loneliest moments, I have felt the loving care of my Father in Heaven. ■

Klimt’s Women by Sharon Furner Page 7 Part Three: The Trimurti: A Birth Poem by Alisa Curtis Bolander Midvale, Utah February 11, 2010 I wore a necklace throughout my Thirty years: Her last milestone. The Exponent blog pregnancy Shiva, do you know you take a A trinity charm, swirled into one mother of five babes? Creator, Nourisher, and Purger Cancer, I will not ask why. This winter I gave birth to my first baby. As I labored in the hos- For all three sometimes come at The Creator smiled on us that day pital, I missed my oldest friend’s once twenty years ago big birthday bash. Diagnosed eight And they often do at a birth, I She and I sat over our cross-stitch, months ago with neuroendocrine suppose. two merry misses cancer, my friend recently learned I crouch upward—breathing, When Mother called from two she has less than six months to live. sustaining, exhaling houses down Deciding not to wait for her birth- With all I have and more, then sink To witness a birth day later in the year, her friends back My calico calm, near serene, organized this party in her honor. Eyes shut, fastening my breath purred her kitten into life While I am overflowing with inside my lungs With her hypnotic humming joy at the birth of my son and All of the moment in my heart. motherhood, I hardly know how And I, struggling to do things right to say goodbye to a friend who I smile then—truly Hastened to tie the thin, red thread has been with me through nursery, Because I know nothing but love around the cord primary, junior high, high school, and intensity When he began to chirp, hardly a boyfriends, weddings, and more. I For this baby boy mew. am struck by how seemingly polar opposite experiences can hit our While I rest there, preparing, The Sustainer is come to stop time. lives at the same time. Another birthday is celebrated— I never watch the clock if it ticks The Hindus have the Trimurti, It isn’t exactly her birthday onward a trinity of three deities who pre- But if you had less than six months And receive with ecstatic surprise side over the processes of creation, You’d celebrate early too When they place his warm, perseverance, and destruction, all slippery body on my chest. of which I felt simultaneously that And the weather is so mild night. By honoring each deity, Hindus accept that each phase is February forgot its season a natural part of life. As I apply At my back door a crocus pushes this idea to our LDS trinity, I see its tender leaves upward the initial Creator of our spirits, Childhood is not unlike mother- the Redeemer and Sustainer of the hood: gently aware of only now world, and the Purifier who “like a Motherhood is not unlike the yoke fire is burning.” They help me learn Of rainbow connections and to view these heart-wrenching con- pulsing sensations trasts as part of the divine course of I love, I feel, I know, I heal all things. As we vibrate to the lullaby I sing in the key of present tense ■ ■ ■ ■ ■

Page 8 Photo courtesy of the author Awakenings Awakenings, a new feature for Exponent II, seeks to capture moments in women’s lives when they discover a new part of themselves or the world around them, whether it be social, religious, feminist, or personal. In the words of the author Sue Monk Kidd, “they wake up, then wake up some more.” In her story of awakening, Kristen Olsen demonstrates how to appreciate the pain and peace that comes from reconciling cognitive dissonance. Her conclusion is all the more remarkable in the face of what could have been an end to her Mormon faith years before. Which Right is Right?: How Doctrinal Paradoxes can be Catalysts for Progression

by Kristen Olsen less other nameless women. new under the sun. My adolescent Logan, Utah Of course, I am aware of the internal conflict was no exception. steps that a good Mormon young Choosing between two opposing As I sat in a seminary class in woman should have taken. I should forces is as old as Mother Eve, high school, I came to the conclu- have talked with my parents or and I have been familiar with the sion that I hated God. A classmate church leaders. I should have concept since my youth. The term asked my teacher, a skinny bald- turned to the scriptures and other opposition in all things is a favor- ing man who looked ten years church-approved literature for an- ite for cross-stitched pillows and older than he probably was, if God swers. However, I didn’t. Instead, I tole-painted crafts where I come was a polygamist. Without paus- guarded myself against any further from, and is generally understood ing or considering the potential disappointments by letting go of to refer to the opposition between consequences of his answer, he my beliefs for a time. To aban- God and Satan, good and evil, right said, “Yes.” He went on to explain don my faith in Heavenly Father and wrong. The simplicity and why God’s polygyny made perfect seemed less painful than to worship symmetry of this concept brought sense. He did this in a very matter- a being who practiced something me comfort as a child. CTR, or of-fact tone, unaware that he was that repulsed me to my core. Choose the Right, was so easy to shattering layers of CTR training A decade and a half later, I remember and understand, and if and Personal Progress milestones couldn’t be more grateful for my I happened to forget which polar in the back row of his classroom. seminary teacher and his careless opposite to choose, I simply had to At that moment, I was repulsed by answer. Years spent redefining, glance down at my finger and read God. Suddenly, He became a sex- reexamining, and rebuilding my my ring. I remember wondering to ist, selfish man, whom I felt like I belief system while sifting through myself, why would anyone CTW? had been tricked into worshipping truths and untruths in every realm Once disillusioned with the my entire life. Later that evening, of Mormondom, have led me to Gospel, however, I began looking I mustered up the courage to get realize that without the disruption more critically at the things I was on my knees and pray to Him. I to my religious development, I taught in my youth. This led me to explained that I didn’t want to join would not have had the opportunity understand that having opposition Him in heaven anymore, and that a to experience true spiritual progres- in every realm of life is anything place with inequalities as blatant as sion. Without letting go of every- but simple, and often, our most dif- polygyny would be more like hell thing I had been told to believe in, ficult moral dilemmas arrive when to me. I would not have had the chance to we must choose between opposing My reaction may have been dra- start truly believing in something. forces that both seem to come from matic. I surprised myself with the Without a reason to hate my Heav- God. tears and theatrics. My heaven had enly Father and pity my Heavenly Our own conscience, which been shattered. God had betrayed Mother, I would not have spent helps us determine right and wrong me. My Heavenly Mother, with one years learning how to love and trust word from a misinformed seminary my Heavenly Parents. Continued on Page 10 teacher, became a sister-wife, her As the preacher in Ecclesias- glory and divinity shared by count- tes 1:9 observed, there is nothing Page 9 Continued from Page 9 consequently broke a command- I helped him organize a 500-mile ment from God. It seems she chose peace walk across Utah. Opposition choices and helps us to recognize a different right. from fellow Mormons swelled. One truth, seems at times to be in direct During the buildup to the Iraq LDS member wrote, “If you are opposition to God’s command- War in 2002, my husband and I a Christian, then shame on you… ments or counsel. Abraham had became vocal opponents of the I cannot think you are a decent to choose between obeying God’s invasion, which placed us at odds person when you turn your back on heinous request to murder his own with the majority of LDS members the military, turn your back on the son, or rejecting God’s command- living in my home state of Utah. people that need our help, and turn ment because it went against rea- Some went as far as to publicly your back on the morals that allow son, humanity, his conscience, and question our patriotism and Mor- this country to be free.” I began to his paternal love. According to the monism because we criticized feel like a bad Mormon and won- scriptural account, Abraham chose President Bush’s decision to in- dered what my CTR ring would tell to obey God. In Primary, we are vade. For many reasons rooted in me to do in this situation. taught that he chose the right. gospel principles, I felt like God I faced the same question dur- On the other hand, Eve made wanted me to speak out. ing the 2008 election season when an opposite choice by partaking of I was disappointed and confused Mormons in California were asked the fruit. Did she make the wrong when Gordon B. Hinckley, for by the prophet, Thomas S. Monson, choice because she disobeyed whom I have great respect, shared and his counselors to become ac- God’s will? In the poem, “Paradise his personal opinion in support of tive in a campaign to end gay mar- Lost,” John Milton dramatizes a the war during the Spring 2003 riage. Obedience to God seemed to conversation between Adam and General Conference. Because we require me to change my political Eve, in which Adam argues that our are taught that he communicates views and oppose gay marriage. own reasoning abilities come from with God directly and serves as His My conscience, on the other hand, God. “But God left free the will; mouthpiece, it felt to me and many resonated with seemingly conflict- for what obeys Reason, is free; and other Mormons, that it was also the ing truths of equality, agency, and Reason he made right.” Although personal opinion of God. Con- tolerance. Again, I found myself Eve chose to follow her reason and flicted but unable to deny my own asking, Which “right” is right? free will and partake of the fruit conscience, I continued my efforts I’ve considered the obvious an- instead of obeying God’s counsel, to proclaim peace, even when I swer: my views are right and the as Mormons we do not condemn was seven months pregnant and my prophets’ and other church mem- her for her choice. Instead, we husband boarded a plane bound for bers’ are wrong. I’ve also consid- commend her. Elder Russell M. Iraq with the Army Reserve. ered what many Mormons see as Nelson said, “We and all mankind When he returned one year later, the obvious answer: I am wrong are forever blessed because of and obedience to God and His Eve’s great courage and wisdom. prophets is always the right answer. By partaking of the fruit” and go- Many have left the church because ing against God’s commandment it seemed impossible to reconcile “she did what needed to be done.”1 what they felt to be right and what Brigham Young stated, “We should the church, through the prophets, never blame Mother Eve, not the said was right regarding issues such least.”2 If these statements are true, as polygamy, gay marriage, and Eve didn’t choose the wrong by war. Although not a perfect reso- reasoning through her choices and lution to these dilemmas, Milton following her conscience, which once again offers insight in Para- dise Lost. In the same conversation 1 Russell Nelson, “Constancy Amid with Adam, Eve says of Eden: Change.” 2 Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses. Mary and Eve by Galen Dara Page 10 Let us not then suspect our happy state In the Company of Nuns Left so imperfect by the Maker wise, by Deborah Kris As not secure to single or Berkeley Heights, New Jersey a convent feel like? I wondered if combined. another country lay beyond those Frail is our happiness, if this be so, August 2008 doors. And Eden were no Eden, thus I remember the day in moments. It was the words of another exposed. The first phone call. Dialing to tell Catholic nun, St. Teresa of Avila, I have found it liberating to another sibling the news. Picking that finally gave me the push I open my eyes to the imperfect state up a sister at the train station. The needed. While looking, somewhat of our Eden, or Zion, within the mounds of sushi my husband carted absently, for ways to recharge my gospel, and to the realization that in. The evening call from Mom: do prayer life, I came across this pas- it is “left imperfect by the Maker we take him off life support now or sage: wise.” In His wisdom, we find our- wait for you all to arrive? My old- est brother calling from the road: “Those persons who give them- selves needing more than a CTR selves to prayer should in a special ring to make necessary choices. C. “What do you want me to say to him for you?” At an eight-hour dis- manner always have great devotion S. Lewis observed in Mere Chris- to St. Joseph, for I know not how tianity, that reality is not simple, tance, he was the closest. He said goodbye to Dad for all five of us. anyone can think of the Queen of “[L]et us leave behind these boys’ Angels during the time that she suf- philosophies—these over-simple The next morning I could not face church, could not participate fered so much with the Infant Jesus answers. The problem is not simple without giving thanks to St. Joseph and the answer is not going to be in a community that required in- teraction. But I needed church, the for the assistance he rendered to simple either.” them then. He who cannot find If the problems we encounter ritual of prayer. I needed a place away from my tear-soaked sheets. anyone to teach him how to pray, in this life were as simple as the let him take this glorious Saint for stories my daughter is currently So I drove to the convent, entered the empty chapel, and I fell to my his guide, and he will not lose his learning from the CTR primary way.”1 manuals, I would have had life fig- knees. The way the curtain framed ured out when I earned my Articles the monstrance looks like an What better place to test this of Faith medallion. The problems outline of Mary, arms outstretched, than in a Catholic sanctuary devot- in life that cause us to examine, with the host as her vibrant heart. ed to Mary? Kneeling amidst the challenge, reason, wrestle with God The sun poured through the picture incense and must of the Dominican and truth, and question who we are windows: Mary with baby, Mary sisters’ home, I asked—part ex- and what we believe, are the prob- beneath the cross. On the other pectantly, part skeptically—for a lems that help us move past our side of the lattice, a woman draped slice of Joseph’s insight and under- juvenile perspectives of right and in a full habit knelt in adoration. standing. I left, bemused that I had wrong and enable us to begin to Two sisters in prayer: Mormon and come, but feeling something. understand the very nature of God. Catholic. Bowing to the mystery of And something kept drawing At times I still get frustrated with life and death. me back to the monastery, peek- seemingly glaring inconsistencies ing at the sisters behind the divide, between truths that exist within January 2008 buying their soaps, lighting their the gospel and within my soul, but My visits to the Our Lady of the candles, attending vespers. I got an I am learning how to embrace the Rosary Monastery had begun that iPhone app of the daily Mass imperfections and value the con- January. This Dominican Order of cloistered nuns is just down 1 Autobiography of St. Teresa of Avila, flicts in my life so I can move be- Chapter VI yond frail happiness to true growth the street from my house, and as I Continued on Page 12 and a deepening relationship with drove past the brick structure every my Heavenly Parents. ■ morning for years, curiosity turned to a wistful yearning. What does Page 11 Continued from Page 11 to remain single—like nuns, in Father, Mother, Child. It felt some ways, but without identify- much more Mormon than I had readings, using these as my scrip- ing markers. They pursue careers expected. I remembered Mary’s ture study. I added the nun’s blog2 and enjoy living “in the world,” but words from Luke 1: My soul doth to my RSS reader and delighted in they quietly follow a daily spiritual magnify the Lord . . . because he glimpses of the cloistered life— regimen not unlike members of hath regarded the humility of his their new puppy, a new postulant, religious orders, including daily handmaid; for behold from hence- their garden harvest. I wondered Mass. I asked her about the rosary. forth all generations shall call me what inspired women to choose She replied, “You know, I had blessed. this life, so I read the letters and thought earlier today about asking memoirs of Mother Teresa and you to say the rosary with me. I August 2008 Thomas Merton. I stuck a few know it’s not part of your tradi- Two days after my father’s dollars in their donation box each tion, but it’s a beautifully centering death, I attended to one last work week; they live exclusively from prayer.” I surprised her by pulling commitment before flying to Utah: donations. One day, I wrote them out the olive-wood strand of beads. Elizabeth and I were running a a letter. They wrote back. Another To her puzzled looks, I answered, professional development day for day I picked up one of their hand- “Well there are these nuns . . . .” 200 teachers in Washington D.C. made rosaries. I didn’t know what The rosary is simple, really, We tracked down a 6:30 AM Mass to do with it, but it was beautiful, Elizabeth explained. One begins by for her, and I dragged myself along. and I liked holding something that invoking the prayer to Our Father Behind the priest was a 20-foot represented their devotion. who art in Heaven and then pon- stained-glass window of Mary ders the mysteries and miracles rising to heaven. Her eyes ached July 2008 of Jesus’ ministry while speaking heavenward, her arms stretched I found myself on a long car words that honor His mother. outward like her son’s, and her bil- ride with Elizabeth, a friend and lowing blue robes seemed enough business partner. She is part of a Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is to absorb a life of tears—hers, Catholic order that believes in with thee. Blessed art thou among mine, ours. Yea, said Simeon to women, and blessed is the fruit of Mary, a sword shall pierce through the sanctification of “ordinary thy womb, Jesus. thy own soul, also. life.” Some members of this or- der, including my friend, choose Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray October 2008 for us sinners, now and at the hour I examined the wreckage over 2 The blog of the Dominican Nuns of our death. Thai food with a friend—the of New Jersey, Monastery of Our Lady of the Rosary, http://www.monialesop.org only friend besides my husband who knew it all: Dad’s death, the miscarriage, my mother-in-law’s cancer, job stress, encroaching depression, and now a fractured ankle. She generously shared her own acquaintance with grief—as a young widow—to help me make sense of mine. “I don’t know how you would feel about this, but I know a nun who practices Reiki who helped Tom and me during his last days....”

November 2008 Sister Lucia is a Franciscan liv- Page 12 Photo courtesy of the author ing in a house just behind a death- strip of big box stores in Anytown, New Jersey. She wears a habit, mows the lawn, teaches Tai Chi, and—until recently—offered her services as a Reiki practitioner. She is a follower of Christ’s example of hands-on healing. Her basement workroom has thin industrial carpeting and one tiny window. At precisely 4 PM each afternoon, a family of mice begins to skitter through the walls. The walls hold pictures of Mary and Jesus, and Sister Lucia’s face echoes their compassion. The first time I hobbled into her Cross of Faith by Aimee Hickman space, I felt such a flood of warmth that I could not speak for several ceived a phone call from Sister Lu- business. Over and over again, we minutes. She handed me tissue cia. The U.S. Council of Catholic lose ourselves to find ourselves. after tissue and just sat with me, Bishops had issued a letter, forbid- When the angel comes to Mary, he a stranger. Before she began the ding members of religious orders offers an unspeakable blessing at a Reiki session, she offered a prayer from practicing Reiki. “They don’t terrible price. And she says, Be- to Jesus, “Physician and Master understand that it is simply about hold the handmaid of the Lord, be Healer.” I had experienced Reiki love and healing. Hopefully they it done unto me according to your before, had even received level- will have a change of heart some word. one training years ago, but this was day,” she said. “But I have made a I did not say any of this to Sister new. Her hands channeled power, vow of obedience. This is the life Lucia. and as she rested them on my I have chosen. I will miss seeing shoulders, I saw my soul wrapped you.” February 2010 tight in knotted rags. Through her What I did not say to her was It has been a year since that call hands, love seemed like liquid that, as a Mormon woman, I recog- from Sister Lucia, eighteen months light, filling hollow spaces and nized the faith and anguish in her since my father’s death, six months tugging gently at the knots. After voice. Which hand should she cut since my mother-in-law’s passing, the session, Sister Lucia pulled off? Which loss would wound her six days since a fresh bruise. I walk out a 16th century painting of the less? Here was the paradox from into church, among my Mormon raising of Lazarus, staggering forth which I had unconsciously sought sisters, and if this rocky path seems from the tomb, bandaged in cloth. refuge. I thought of conversations better lit, I can thank my Catholic “I once spent a month-long retreat with LDS sisters that came down sisters. When I take the sacrament studying this picture,” she said, to this: to leave my Mormon home bread, I think of the cloistered nuns “and Jesus’ response, “Loose him would pierce my soul; staying adoring God’s presence in bread. I and let him go.’” often does. Perhaps Samuel had it focus on unwrapping my soul from I visited Sister Lucia weekly for wrong. It’s not that “to obey is bet- its bandages, letting it breathe. I three months. After one session, ter than to sacrifice.” Often, obey- reach for the rosary beads, hidden she took down a picture of Mary ing is sacrifice; putting something in my pocket, seeking the courage Our Lady of Sorrow from her wall of ourselves on an altar, hoping to say, “Behold the handmaid of the and placed it in my hand. “I think that what is lost will be found, or at Lord, be it done unto me according you are supposed to have this.” least recompensed. Perhaps this is to your word.” ■ true of all vocations—from mar- February 2009 riage to parenthood, from profes- On a winter afternoon, I re- sion to callings. Devotion is messy Page 13 Sisters Speak Sisters Speak is a returning feature that gives readers a forum to present their own thoughts about a topic. In each quarterly issue, the feature editor will introduce a question about a topic of interest to Mormon women and invite responses from readers of the Exponent II publication as well as readers of The Exponent blog. A selection of responses will be published in the following issue. The question for the next issue is at the end of this section, on page 17. Teaching Members about Sexual Abuse Our Sisters Speak question comes from Emily of Phoenix, Arizona. She writes: For the past few years, I’ve been wondering how the Church could teach and protect its members from sexual abuse. I’m dying to do a lesson in Primary or Relief Society on the topic, but I’m not a professional and feel ill-equipped to open a can of worms without knowing what to do. Statistically-speaking, I’m sure there are people under my charge who are dealing with sexual abuse in some way. I’m wondering how other wards deal with this.

Suzann Werner of Gilbert, me to teach the same lesson to a innocence if their story were told. Arizona has personal experience combined High Priest and Elders It is important that each child be teaching about sexual abuse. She Quorum meeting. During the pre- empowered to trust their own feel- writes: sentation of each lesson, I felt that ings and know that they will be In my distant past, I did some most of my ward members were in- believed, not blamed. public speaking on child sexual terested in learning how to protect Children must be empowered abuse. I was trained to speak to their children, but some just wanted to shout NO to what feels wrong. adults, teenagers, and young chil- to keep their heads in the sand, Role-playing is a great way to help dren in grade schools. The objec- believing they and God would children learn to say NO in situa- tive of the public school program protect their children. I stressed tions that could be dangerous. Be- was to go into the schools to talk that one in three girls and one in cause most children trust and want to children about how to protect four boys will be sexually assaulted to please adults, they have a dif- themselves from inappropriate before their 18th birthday. Most of ficult time objecting to what feels touching, how to firmly say no (we this abuse will be perpetrated by a confusing, or even bad. We would practiced), then to run and tell a family member or friend, someone all rather not have to discuss and trusted adult and to keep telling the child has been taught to respect, potentially frighten our children on until someone listened, understood, trust, and obey. This is a shocking these matters, but the world we live believed, and helped. number, but it includes everything in makes it necessary. After almost every class, at from sexual heckling to touching The consequences of sexual least one child would come forth to rape. Even the consequences of abuse are severe for all children to tell about inappropriate touch- sexual heckling and touching can because abuse arrests emotional ing and/or rape, not necessarily be devastating to the child, so it is development. Without healthy love to a presenter, but to a parent or a important that all children be pre- and protection, children get stuck, teacher. As word spread in Phoenix pared to protect themselves when and when emotionally thwarted, about the sexual abuse prevention faced with these devastating and children act out in a variety of program, parents became alarmed, hurtful situations. ways. Parents should be suspi- distrustful, and frightened, ending Perpetrators are experts at gain- cious if they see abrupt personal- the program almost as soon as it ing the trust of children and then ity changes, such as acting out, began. making threats against disclosure. especially in sexual ways. Children I was also able to teach a Re- Abusers are able to manipulate may refuse to kiss or go near a lief Society lesson on abuse, and and convince the child that he or specific person, and they may begin subsequently my Bishop asked she is complicit in the relationship, to inflict self abuse such as cutting and therefore, guilty, unclean, and themselves or pulling out their hair Page 14 that no one would believe their and eyebrows. □ One woman who wishes to remain anonymous speaks as a survivor of sexual abuse herself, and she focuses on the things she would like teachers to avoid, both in lessons on chastity and lessons that deal with abuse.

In a religious setting, it’s always hard to tackle sexual issues. I think that many teachers, instead of being simple, clear, and open, tend to bring too much drama into a discussion regarding the law of chastity. By cloak- ing the real subject with vague phrases and piercing guilt about breaking the law of chastity, it’s really a hit-and- miss type of situation. It would be helpful to bring in someone very confident, open, and loving who isn’t afraid to say the words that need to be said. However, what those are depends on the group and the situation. This topic is challenging and difficult and I wish that more parents weren’t afraid to tackle it head on. For me, coming into each church lesson on chastity from the point of view of someone who had been sexually abused as a child, I always felt extreme guilt. I was a good LDS girl and wanted to do all that Jesus wanted me to do. In lessons that touched on abuse, the most sensitive topic was always the pressure to forgive the abuser. I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to do that until I was much, much older (i.e., recently). I think pressur- ing young people to “forgive and be like Jesus” is really awful and only perpetuates a cycle of guilt and shame that they already feel unable to es- cape. I think speaking of it in terms of a timetable—to forgive when you feel ready—might help. Most importantly, teach how to get the right kind of counseling to learn HOW to forgive (quoting scriptures on forgive- ness won’t really teach the person how to actually do it, at least for me it didn’t). I believe that many young people cannot grasp the act of forgiv- ing someone when they are still dealing with raw emotions and traumas. They are at a fragile state in life and the pressure to forgive only serves to make the guilt harder to bear. □ Megan by Karen Warshal

Debra Gordy of East Texas is a tions over time, in a natural, easy discuss this topic in mixed gender marriage therapist and makes these manner. groups, and many children, teens suggestions: The more matter-of-fact, com- and even adults are uncomfortable It is crucial to know your class fortable and at-ease the teacher is, with that. For this topic in par- in advance—to know whether your the easier the class will be with ticular, comfort with the topic is a class will include adult, teens, or the topic. I also have found that a primary condition for a successful children. This will provide an im- structured format is very helpful, so outcome. portant part of the framework and that the discussion does not digress Someone in the group may context for what you present and to horror stories, resulting in even have had personal experience with the way you present it. the best of teachers quickly losing this topic and may have a strong The Church-published resource, control of the classroom. I also ad- emotional reaction. Be prepared A Parent’s Guide, has good infor- vise that before something is taught to respond if this should happen, mation for discussing sexuality in to children or youth, the subject is with advance planning for such age-appropriate ways, using con- first taught to the adults, to prepare an occurrence. If there is a profes- tent that is based on a child’s or them for follow-up discussions and sional in the ward who is skilled in teen’s typical developmental needs support at home. responding to sexual abuse disclo- and readiness for the informa- For children and youth, gen- sures and related emotional reac- tion being taught. One of the most der-exclusive classes are recom- tions, perhaps this person could be important points emphasized in this mended. Even though the media invited to participate in some way, resource is that discussion of biol- and popular culture are saturated Continued on Page 16 with sexual images, messages, and ogy and sexuality is most effective Page 15 when it occurs in many conversa- innuendo, it crosses a boundary to Continued from Page 15 the after-effects of sexual abuse I have found through years of for years into their adulthood. It experience as I have guided and and also be available for back-up. affects not only their lives but all supported courageous individuals Teach all ages that it is not true their relationships. As they seek who have experienced sexual abuse that victims are to blame for the and pursue healing and release in their lives, that another approach abuse they experience. This is nev- from the trauma and pain of their is more helpful, effective, and truly er the case, and is a highly-damag- past experiences, they often are more healing: I encourage my ing belief to promote. Victims often given well-meaning, but sometimes clients to pursue healing, hold the experience guilt which must be ad- misdirected guidance and counsel place for the possibility for forgive- dressed in a non-blaming way for from authority figures to “just for- ness in their hearts, and trust that their healing to progress. Please be give,” and all their problems will in due time for them, forgiveness careful, thoughtful, and conscious be solved. This well-meaning but will come. In this way, they stay of not only the topic and facts that misguided advice can be damaging focused and empowered on their are taught, but also the way this and evoke a shame spiral that com- healing journey, and it truly is joy- subject is taught, including the pounds the issues and complicates ful when forgiveness comes. □ teacher’s own attitudes and beliefs, and prolongs the healing process so that this myth is not perpetuated. for many victims. Many adults struggle with

Corinne Freeman, of Draper Utah, gives this practi- iting at the time. I am, however, grateful for the way cal advice: they handled the news, and the way they supported When addressing sexual abuse, I think an important me, which was largely the result of the research they thing to talk about, especially to adults, is the signs did about the best way to help me, along with the that sexual abuse has occurred to a child. There are help my therapist gave them. many warning signs, and children are often afraid to It is also important to remember that inappro- go to an adult. This is true even if they have been told priate comments from an adult can be considered to tell an adult and taught how. Many times the abuse sexual abuse. I would talk about ways to handle that is coming from a “trusted”adult. The child may not as well as inappropriate touching. understand what is going on, just that the adult is tell- Thi is something that needs to be discussed, no ing them to do something, playing a game, etc., and matter how difficult it is. My mindset has been that that they are supposed to consent. Quite often if abuse even if it helps just one person, it is worth the stress is going to be made known, it will be because a per- and discomfort the subject may cause. □ ceptive adult notices a change in a child and lovingly talks to the child without pushing, which can cause even more damage. I would also discuss ways to support loved ones who have been abused. Talk about how to listen, what to say, what NOT to say, and how to encourage a victim to get help. I have never given a lesson on sexual abuse in a ward setting, but as a student at BYU, I did talk about it in front of one of my classes. These are the topics I touched on, because as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, this is what is important to me. It took eight years before the knowledge of my abuse at the hands of an uncle came out. I wish that my parents had known more about the warning signs I was exhib-

Page 16 Waiting by Sharon Furner Chelsea Shields Strayer of Bos- ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ton, Massachusetts, offers advice Someone in the group may have had personal experience with this about sex education. Her comments topic and may have a strong emotional reaction. Be prepared to are particularly appropriate for respond if this should happen, with advance planning for such an parents and Church teachers: occurrence. If there is a professional in the ward who is skilled in re- Due to my profession as a cul- sponding to sexual abuse disclosures and related emotional reactions, tural and biological anthropologist, these issues are really important to perhaps this person could be invited to participate. -Debra Gordy me, and I’ve often struggled with ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ the ways that they’ve been handled in the Church. While the Church that their looking at someone else’s Melinda of Utah County gives has gotten so much better in the personal parts isn’t appropriate. If insight about the reactions of many past twenty years about address- you wait to discuss all of this until abuse victims. She writes: ing abuse and sexual issues openly, they are at the “curious” stage of One issue that people should there is still a long way to go. eight to ten, or the “developing” be sensitive towards is the discon- I have tried to offer a class in stage of eleven to thirteen, they are nect between what the abuse victim three different wards about this more likely to seek out information feels, and how people think she topic and have been denied by all on their own, but if you start sex should feel. Abuse victims feel of the Relief Society presidents ed young and often, you empower guilty and dirty and may believe each time because it “wasn’t ap- them for all the stages of their the attack was their fault. People propriate.” Finally, this year in my lives. who have never been abused tend new ward I taught a class on how While they are at this stage of to dismiss those feelings by point- to empower your kids through sex rigid black-and-white thinking, ing out that the victim is innocent education and it went fantastically you can even role play how to and remains as virtuous as if she well. They now want me to teach a yell, “No!” and go tell a parent. As had never been attacked. This class to the Elders Quorum and the abuse is most likely from someone is true, but it doesn’t change the Young Women. they know, it is important that this victim’s feelings. In fact, telling a I think many of the Church’s rule applies to anyone, included victim that she is wrong to feel the main concerns in regards to sex trusted family or friends. Being way she does will shut her down. could be mediated by better and prepared for such a situation em- She has to process those feelings earlier sex education, including powers a child and opens the door of guilt just like she has to process education about sexual abuse. Start for them to talk to you. all other feelings. You can’t argue young and make it clear to your As children grow, keep the someone into feeling pure. three- or four-year-old that genitals conversation going. It is interesting I would sum it all up by ex- are personal and should never be how many programs we have to plaining to people that a victim’s touched or looked at by someone teach kids how to avoid kidnapping feelings are not going to be logical else. It is also helpful for young and to “just say NO to drugs” and from the point of view of someone kids to understand that pornogra- how few we have to educate and who has never been abused. □ phy also breaks this cardinal rule, empower them about sex. □

Our next Sisters Speak question comes from Caroline Kline of Irvine, CA. I am wondering how other Mormon women teach their children about Heavenly Mother. My son is nearly four now and prays daily to Heavenly Father. He seems to have no concept of a Heavenly Mother, and I’m not sure how to go about incorporating Her into our conversations and into his consciousness. I want to know about your experiences teaching your children about Heavenly Mother and incorporating Her into your lives. If you have decided to not teach or include Her, I would also love to know what factors con- tributed to that decision. Please send your Sisters Speak responses to [email protected]

Page 17 Lone Sheep by Pandora Brewer Chicago, Illinois and brought me cookies and Twilight books for my birthday. For her I even agreed to sing in church once. I do not want to be disturbed. The big wigs phone now and then—the Bishop, the Sprawled on the sofa, under two throws and a quilt, Relief Society President, the Counselor of the this and the ruse of a crossword book drooping, I drift towards that—we lose track of the messages and they are busy a glorious nap. The phone rings. I hear my husband people. The members are constant, I am the fickle pick up and mumble “yes, she is here.” As he walks one. across the living room, I frantically shake my head, I know why they are so persistent. My name echoes draw my hands across my throat and cover my face from movies, jewelry stores, websites, kids’ home- with a pillow. He holds out the phone. I roll my eyes work—“Pandora, Pandora, isn’t there some woman dramatically. on the rosters named Pandora?” They check on the “Hello.” I sound flat, resigned. inactive rap sheet and there I am, month after month, “Is this Pandora?” Her voice has a cold call quiver. year after year, one of The Ward’s Most Wanted. I am “Yes, this is Pandora.” No, I do not want insurance, an opportunity for service, a challenge to end the rows credit cards or this phone to my ear right now. of incriminating zeros with a check mark of success. I “This is Sister Smith, from the church. Your name also acknowledge with respect that they are committed came up in a meeting and I realized I don’t know to my salvation, to restoring what I may have mis- you.” placed or forgotten. This is understandable. I have been to church ex- The more perplexing question is why I say yes. actly twice in seven years, once for twenty-five min- Yes to keeping the interaction going. Yes to answering utes, once for forty. leading questions that may be none of their business. “Could I come and visit you sometime?” Yes in my accessible demeanor, the friendly exterior I perk up and lean forward. “Sure, when is good for of a resolute heart. you?” I suspect among the correlating faithful, it is most We negotiate a day and a set time anchored be- efficient to sort inactive files into a few easily identi- tween church and dinner, no lingering if the chemistry fied mental folders. There is the “Spouse not member” is bad and an easy out for her if I pull out a martini category, the “Angry” category, the “Not active since and a deck of tarot cards. We say goodbye and I fall they were baptized but still on the records,” the “Word back on the cushions. of Wisdom issues,” etc. There is also the “Other” pile, I am probably a confusing “inactive” person. I con- the mysterious ones who seem nice but won’t budge. fuse the dutiful shepherds inviting me back to the fold Although people leave the church for the same reasons and confuse even myself: a lost, black, or wayward they leave anything or anyone, they rarely give exit sheep depending on the day. interviews. The explanation we hear most often is that I project a “come in” but “stay away” vacilla- they were “offended,” a succinct umbrella that may tion that belies the usual stereotypes. I don’t let the cover many social, cultural and doctrinal dilemmas, a boy missionaries beyond the foyer. I have two of my simple response to a complicated choice. own earnest teenage boys telling me what I am do- I daydream that one of my visitors will ask me to ing wrong, thank you. I adore the girl missionaries. give a talk or lesson in church on what it means to be I invite them in with Calypso gentility, hoping we inactive. I accept with humility, happy that I can share will eventually paint our toenails and watch Sandra my insight in a new kind of outreach program. I see Bullock movies and they will stay forever and be my myself as charming, universal, the ambassador of her- daughters. I wasn’t sure what to do with the visit- etics everywhere. Then my murky-motivation detector ing teacher who sent me monthly letters in longhand goes off and I pinch myself. What is this really about? laced with platitudes and Xeroxed Ensign pages. I And who am I to enlighten? I realize how similar I am adored my visiting teacher who called me all the time to the people I expect to be teaching, when in doubt, Page 18 we proselytize. Such a daydream speaks more to my unsettled nostalgia and affinity, trying to craft and nadette to Joseph Smith. I read every church history redefine activity, an emissary with personal rather than book I could get my hands on, reciting the scriptures diplomatic intent. and staring at the photographs, searching for clues to Even the term “inactive” is a label applied under righteousness. the assumption that to be active means all is well and As a young woman I was an intellectual force to to be inactive means all is not well. Subtlety ends at be reckoned with when it came to text and doctrine. attendance. My sister no longer sees herself as Mor- My life was a peculiar mix of twelfth century mystic mon, reducing her involvement to “raised Mormon.” and nineteenth century prophetess, guided by “call and My husband defines his Mormonism like a Jewish response” rituals that resonated like a folk song’s verse person might. It is part of his genetic make-up like eye and chorus. I pleaded, the Holy Ghost revealed. The color. Whether he goes or not is irrelevant. He de- Holy Ghost prompted, I acted. Although I slavishly scribes me as a spiritual person who loves the idea of went to church through all of this, my testimony was religion and speaks with passion to an eclectic collage rooted in a hodgepodge of my own monastic pursuits. of theology and narrative. He says I allow myself to Activity was defined in the relationship between body be categorized if it helps other people know how to and soul, physical discipline led to spiritual elevation. behave around me. But how do I name my own sense The Sacrament, the Temple Ceremony, even bowed of activity or inactivity? Religion has always been head, crossed-armed prayers were all actions that took present in my life—a frame, a tune, a template—but on meaning only when combined with context and understanding the relationship between participation pious devotion. I believed that through these intensely and belief, between communal and individual defini- personal behaviors, I could be a saint after all, a true tions of faith, has been more difficult to discern. godlike girl. I grew up as a Catholic child obsessed with saints It was not until I moved to Cambridge, Massa- and rapture and stained glass windows. I wore a slip chusetts as a newly married woman that I discovered on my head like a nun and hoped to push someone the limitations of this insular approach and what it away from an oncoming car, dying in a blaze of glory meant to be part of a religious community. The New and becoming an angel. I read every children’s Bible I Testament came alive, the Sermon on the Mount could get my hands on, reciting the stories and staring transformed from words to real people, real “love at the pictures, searching for clues to holiness. When one another,” real casseroles. The ward was a mix of I was ten years old we converted to Mormonism and ages, cultures, students and working people, yet the my zealous passions translated easily from St. Ber- members embraced the church as a common reference and every pew blended our constructed family. We did not always agree but there was an effort to create an inclusive environment. Every Christmas I stood in a gym cluttered with piles of evergreen branches, women huddled side by side over makeshift tables determining the best way to work together. Some cut boughs into smaller pieces, some sorted, some te- diously wrapped wire while others corralled children, organized clean up, sang or played music. It was a fes- tive party turned sacred ritual, resulting in more than wreaths for gifts or doors. We brought home a sense of connection that would extend beyond the season. I reveled in group worship as an integral part of my spiritual development. The music, scriptures and shared stories reminded me that our most primal, col- lective human experience has always been to reach for God. We want to believe in something bigger than Continued on Page 20

Detail from Loreto Sacristy, Loreto, Italy Page 19 Continued from Page 19 mise, compartmentalize, tune in and tune out, cherry pick at the banquet. I could be the wild woman on ourselves and we believe best when our energy flows the outskirts of the village, dispensing herbs and an in one direction, when we belong and are buoyed occasional love potion, stirring the pot but not really together, when the soundtrack and liturgy do part of dangerous. I should not have to leave. the work for us. When our ward chose to focus their Some decisions, especially those deeply considered dynamic on united hope and redemption, it felt as and life-changing, are as much about loss as gain. close to the concept of heaven as I had ever sensed or I knew that at my core, I was closer to the passion- imagined on my own. ate would-be Joan of Arc than an enigmatic woman I also appreciated that being socially active invited half-in, half-out of society. For better or for worse, I earthly conversations as significant as divine ones: am not wired to hold back and temper my involve- what could I offer someone and what could I receive? ment. I knew that to love singing “Israel, Israel God is I responded to the expectation and motivation toward ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ daily service rather than heroic acts of valor. I appre- The paradox of my inactivity is that while I ciated the unquestioning stretch toward people and situations that I did not have the inclination or time to choose to reject parts of the organization and initiate. I needed a little compulsion to think outside doctrine, I still feel a connection to my people. myself. I learned that we take care of each other one In my undeniably still Mormon world view, I ride to church, one quilt, one “let me hold that baby am a stranger in a strange land. for you,” one nursery leader, one pan of brownies, ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ one fast offering at a time. For most members, these were not strategic schemes for salvation but reflexive Calling” at 10:00 and hate the Sunday School lesson responses and heightened awareness. Contribution at 10:15 would continue to make me miserable. The didn’t need to be flashy, it just needed to happen. more I know that a certain decision is right, the more I Although the fit was never perfect, I flourished for can name what I have given up, even if it means sing- a time. I had found a place and played a part. But my ing alone. It is an ache that is distinct but peaceful, the little ward in my little college town was an exception knowledge that nothing true comes without sacrifice. of acceptance in a larger context that was shifting. The To live with such loss is to also understand the church was changing, or I was changing, or both. I revelatory integrity of the gain. Seven years later, I realize now that amid my active communal involve- can sit with both, having resolved the unnatural mix of ment, my personal belief had been eroding over years antagonism and guilt that plagued my last few years of intellectual and intuitive discontent. My approach of church activity. My sons are almost men, open, was often judged as too interpretive and untidy. I tried free, utterly themselves, internal compasses intact with to be tentative, but I provoked my fellow members. boundless possibility, full of questions to discover on All this bubbled beneath a thinning facade until many their own. They may have been fine either way. There of my core core values—free inquiry, intellectual dis- will certainly be struggles ahead. But we have made it course, unconditional definitions of family—seemed this far and in this direction by design. I smile at what increasingly at odds with the church culture; a culture could be construed as a historical Mormon response, I worried was becoming littered with proclamations of a pioneer comfort I have brought with me in this exclusion, aligning more with a political, pharisaical divergent path; I chose to journey in the wilderness, platform than a gospel of love. Defensiveness passed to wander, search and preserve what I considered too for doctrine and I feared surrounding my boys with essential to dilute or negotiate. such a reductive vision. My frustration isolated me But there is no ritual, no rest hymn, no callings from many of my beloved sisters. I was angry all the in this new chapter of my spiritual life. I could go to time, losing more than my faith, I was losing myself. another church. The things I miss are common to most In response, I retreated to the internal participation parishes. But I remember when, long ago in Relief of my childhood. As long as I just read the scriptures Society, a very young, fresh from BYU sister stood up and prayed it would be all right. I could just compro- and bore her testimony. She said that she enjoyed the film Legacy more than Shindler’s List because Legacy Page 20 was the story of “her” people. My back row of rabble rousers hooted at this statement for weeks: what a narrow, stupid thing to say. How could you compare the two movies? It was absurd. Years later, cinematic judgments aside, I recall her statement with more sympathy. What she was trying to express, what I real- ize from my sofa each Sunday, is that we are each a culmination, composite layers of association, history and perspectives. The paradox of my inactivity is that while I choose to reject parts of the organization and doctrine, I still feel a connection to my people. In my undeniably still Mormon world view, I am a stranger in a strange land. So ironically, when church visitors come to my house and chat with me, they provide the antidote to what I miss most about activity without me actually having to attend anything. The act of invitation actu- The Ninety and Nine 1920s Magic Lantern Slide ally sustains my refusal. “Why don’t you come back,” I say deviously, “we can talk about Isaiah and you can and skirt around until I gently share a comforting “our ask me to that Ward dinner again.” points of view differ on a few issues” version of my This sometimes backfires. I thought my favorite story that is safe and digestible and puts everyone at visiting teacher was my real friend and not my as- ease. Her direct curiosity throws me a little off-kilter signed friend until she was reassigned and never called as if positions have reversed. I feel more like the again. I know too much about the crazy schedule of a missionary speaking in a foreign language, articula- Mormon mom to be overly critical. After all, I am the tion escapes me. I stumble through too much and not one who decided to play the role of a service project enough, my mind racing through details and decisions, that needs to be made and delivered. And I know if I trying to decipher what she might want to hear. In the did ever ask, they would arrive and do anything for end, all the theology, philosophy, activity, inactivity, me, active or inactive. It is what the church does best. catalyst and consequence come down to this: I want Yet it is an unsatisfying, symbiotic relationship we her to listen, to understand and to like me anyway. court, I want them to come and talk to me about theol- Ultimately, what we seek from God, we seek first from ogy and they feel compelled to come and fulfill their each other: forgiveness, acceptance, connection. These statistical duty. It seems a flimsy contract. are the most active gifts we can give. I also wonder if over time they might catch on. I sit with her, intrigued, daunted, a little rattled They will discover that I am nice enough but I am not and finally sad. I realize that in another life we might coming back. Will they continue to sojourn on, just have been friends, sitting next to each other in Relief grateful to serve no matter what happens? I listen to Society, working on committees together, perform- the hesitant inquiries of each new person, mustering ing a duet on Easter Sunday. But my relationship with up their courage for that first call, and imagine their the church will script our parts for us. I will be a lost sigh of relief when it is over. Maybe I am an emissary sheep and she will be a shepherd. She promises to as- after all, ensuring that messages, drive bys and cook- sign me a visiting teacher who is a “good fit.” I assure ies will be made and the attempts notated, never fully her that would be wonderful. She hasn’t called back. aware that their voice and presence will be as mean- Walking in this unknown pasture, I feel anything ingful to me as perhaps my recant and conversion but motionless, inactive and waiting to be found. I am would be to them. a lone sheep in a parable that is embellished daily with Sister Smith arrives exactly on time, between effort and energy. My definition of spirituality evolves. church and dinner. She is not what I expected. She is This movement carries with it a hum, a hymn, a scrap my age, fully engaged and bold, with the pragmatic of text, and a tether of faith. With these tokens in hand, intensity of a journalist, which I find out she is. She I still say yes, come and visit me. Stay even longer catches me off guard by asking immediately why I than the time between church and dinner. ■ don’t attend church. Usually people will small talk Page 21 Women’s Theology This new quarterly feature will showcase women engaging in biblical exegesis (as Laurel Thatcher Ulrich does with the story of Abigail below), interfaith doctrinal comparisons, and examples of our own doctrine as we attempt to lay a foundation here for Mormon feminist theology. Abigail Abigail, she didn’t know the name breech with his “master” Saul. by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich was biblical. Nabal is obviously a man who sees Cambridge, Massachusetts How strange that the story the world from the top down. of Abigail has slipped from our When David learns of Nabal’s First published in Exponent II, Vol. latter-day consciousness. I grew up rebuke, he is so angry he tells his 16, No. 13 (Spring 1991) knowing about Sarah, Rachel, and men to gird on their swords and This essay is for Abigail Carr, Hannah, Ruth the Gleaner, and the prepare to take revenge on Nabal’s age three. She is a sturdy little girl valiant Esther, but I didn’t discover house, at least the male portion of with serious eyes under brows as the biblical Abigail until I began it: “So and more also do God unto dark and definite as a grownup’s. researching Puritan sermons in the enemies of David, if I leave all Her wayward pigtails require six graduate school. My ignorance is that pertain to him by the morn- barrettes, in various colors. Abi- not unique. When I presented my ing light any that pisseth against gail’s older brothers—Benjamin, Gospel Doctrine class with a list the wall.” The New English Bible Abraham, and Isaac—have similar of women in King David’s time, cleans up the translation a bit: cowlicks, though theirs have been everyone knew Bathsheba. Several “God do the same to me and more tamed with crew cuts. Their dad, remembered Michal. Only one or so if I leave him a single mother’s who is a university professor, says two, primed by my supplementary son alive by morning!” his colleagues think he named his reading assignment, knew Abigail, sons for Benjamin Franklin, Abra- a woman whose story is told in rich ham Lincoln, and Isaac Newton. detail in 1 Samuel 25. That chap- The boys know better. ter was omitted from the Gospel Abigail, too, will soon know Doctrine study guide this year. I her Biblical heritage if she doesn’t decided to teach it anyway. There already. This is a scripture-reading are so few fully developed female family. characters in the scriptures, I’m not Yet the boys’ names came to willing to omit even one. Abigail is the parents with a surer sense of worth remembering. recognition than the girl’s. Parents Chapter 25 of 1 Samuel be- who had been raised as Latter-day gins by introducing Nabal, a man Saints didn’t need a concordance wealthy in sheep and goats but to identify Abraham and Isaac. “churlish and evil in his doing,” A father who had performed as a and his wife Abigail, “a woman of child in the Hill Cumorah Pageant good understanding, and of a beau- knew King Benjamin even if it tiful countenance.” Nabal’s churl- Jill with Daisies took him a moment to remember ishness soon gets the family into by Alice B. Hemming the Old Testament Benjamin who deep trouble. When David, who is Enter Abigail. When a servant was Joseph’s brother. However, fleeing the wrath of Saul, sends for warns her of David’s plan, she when Abigail’s mother, thinking provisions, Nabal pretends not to takes immediate action, loading of the girl she hoped to have, first know who he is, though his com- up her asses with “two hundred heard a still, small voice (the Holy ment that “there be many servants loaves, and two bottles of wine Ghost? the child herself?) whisper nowadays that break away every man from his master” is prob- [‘two skins of wine’ in The New Page 22 ably an intentional slur on David’s English Bible], and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures be no reason why you should stum- American history as about women of parched corn, and an hundred ble or your courage falter because in the Bible. However, it occurs to clusters of raisins, and two hun- you have shed innocent blood or me that the eighteenth-century Abi- dred cakes of figs.” Intercepting given way to your anger.” gail Adams had a lot in common David, Abigail prostrates herself What is even more remarkable, with her Biblical predecessor. She on the ground and offers her gifts, Abigail’s little sermon worked: was not shackled with a “churlish” compensating for her husband’s ill “And David said to Abigail, husband, but she did have an absent manners by her own graciousness Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, one, and as a consequence, she had and generosity. (Lest anyone think which sent thee this day to meet to deal with many of the emergen- of this as a particularly feminine me: And blessed be thy advice and cies of war on her own. She also mode of dealing with conflict, think blessed be thou, which has kept me had the capacity to understand the of Jacob’s reconciliation with Esau this day from coming to shed blood, dangers of kingship. She listened to in Genesis 33.) and from avenging myself with her husband John and other patriots Nabal saw the world in hierar- mine own hand.” talk about the political relationship chical terms. As long as Saul was I think of Abigail as an ancient- between the American colonies king, he was unwilling to support day Emma Lou Thayne or Valen- and Great Britain, and for one the outlaw David. Like many men tina Inozemtseva, a woman sent brief moment in 1776, she urged foolishly loyal to superiors, Nabal to teach the world peace. Practical John to “remember the ladies.” treated his own subordinates with and visionary at the same time, she Like Samuel before her and Joseph contempt. His servant was afraid shared the abundance of her store- Smith after, she reminded him of to go to him with bad news “for he house and her heart. the dangers of unlimited power, is such a son of Belial that a man Abigail’s story reminds us that “for all men would be tyrants if cannot speak to him.” In contrast, the Bible is a potentially subversive they could.” Abigail was able to see through the document. No wonder kings and John laughed. He assured his outward trappings of earthly au- priests have always been afraid of wife that her female charms gave thority. When necessary, she called letting the people read it, at least her all the power she needed. herself to an important duty, know- without proper guidance from those Despite his affection for Abigail, ing better than to ask her churlish in charge. Samuel’s books can be he was less willing to listen to husband for permission. Like the bent into a celebration of anointed her than to the Nabals around prophet Samuel, she knew that “the power, but a reader has to ignore a him: “We have been told that our Lord seeth not as man seeth” (1 lot to interpret them that way. Da- Struggle has loosened the bands Sam 16:7). Like him, she also had vid’s unification of the kingdom at of Government everywhere. That the courage to instruct the king. Jerusalem was a fleeting triumph, Children and Apprentices were In her long speech to David (1 a fragile and momentary union of disobedient—that schools and Col- Samuel 25:24-31), Abigail doesn’t political and spiritual authority. He leges were grown turbulent—that simply beg for mercy; she recalls soon looked down from his palace Indians slighted their Guardians him to a sense of his own mission, onto Uriah’s rooftop. One of my and Negroes grew insolent to their gently reminding him that he is class members wondered if David’s Masters.” John Adams preserved not an ordinary warrior but a man acceptance of Abigail’s advice had his revolution by denying its impli- with a destiny, a man who should as much to do with her beautiful cations. be above petty revenge. Prophesy- face as her wise words. I prefer a My little neighbor, Abigail Carr, ing that he will live to rule Israel, less cynical interpretation. As long was also born into a world of war she urges him to recognize his as David was dependent on God for and justice. As she grows, may she grievance with Nabal for the small his survival, he was able to listen as be known for her good understand- thing it really is. (Here I really do well as look. ing as well as her beautiful counte- like The New English translation I don’t know if Abigail Carr’s nance. May she treasure her name. better.) father has ever been asked if he May she too become a woman of “When the Lord has made good named his daughter for Abigail peace. ■ all his promises to you, and has Adams. I suspect not. Most people made you ruler of Israel, there will know as little about women in Page 23 Global Zion Global Zion is a new feature adding an international component to Exponent II. We seek narratives about women’ s experiences traveling, working, or growing up in the Church outside the United States. How Peace Corps Turned Me Mormon by Sylvia Cabus Washington, DC After three months of intensive Since I was a teacher, I had the technical, language, and cross-cul- summer off, and I spent it at the Like many young Americans tural training, I was sent to a me- Peace Corps training center as an right out of college, I joined the dium-sized village called Ambam assistant trainer for the new crop of Peace Corps out of a combination in the southern rainforest region of volunteers. At the training center of a vague desire to serve, bore- Cameroon. Since Cameroon is a the Congolese and the American dom, curiosity, and the realities of bilingual English-French country, trainers lived in the same house so a bad job market. I did not antici- English was required to graduate I got to know the Congolese train- pate that joining the Peace Corps from high school, and as an Eng- ers better than the rest of the staff. would provoke a spiritual journey lish teacher and the fifth volunteer One weekend I spotted a maga- that would end with my decision to hosted by the residents, I readily fit zine on the coffee table with three join the Church of Jesus Christ of into my role as the token Ameri- old white men on the cover. They Latter-Day Saints. can. Without TV, mail, or regular looked familiar, and I asked one I was raised a half-hearted short-wave radio broadcasts, my of the Congolese trainers about it. Catholic and somehow survived life outside of school and social- She explained that it was L’ Etoile the rigors of Catholic school. I izing with the neighbors centered (the French version of The En- occasionally attended church and on contemplation and journaling. sign) and that she was Mormon. social events while an undergrad I wasn’ t sure what I wanted to do I excitedly told her that I knew at U.C. Berkeley. While living at with my life, and finally I had time of the Mormon Church. She then home between graduation and de- to ponder the next steps. replied, “You must think we’re parture for my Peace Corps posting I attended Catholic services, strange.” I laughed and said no. in Cameroon, I made an effort with more to show that I was part of That conversation was the first of a local Catholic single adult group. the community than out of any several about God, church, life, The group reminded me of a high religious conviction. I enjoyed spirituality, and faith. We talked school clique, except with clearer going to Mass in the local lan- about our relationship with Christ, skin and real jobs. I remained guage because of the beautiful my general dissatisfaction with uninspired. traditional African music. The Catholicism, and the importance of In the meantime, the Mormon Catholic Church was established community. We talked about family Church was always in the back of in Cameroon in 1884, and services life and marriage, and how being my head. I had one Mormon friend often included a Mass in French a single woman fit in those ideals. since I was 12, and I’d had other and a Mass in the local language. We talked about Salt Lake City—a Mormon friends throughout the The Mass in French was adminis- destination as foreign for me as it years. The company where I was tered by a Cameroonian priest and was for her—while we sat in the temping while waiting for Peace sounded like Mass anywhere in dark, listening to the rain because Corps employed many Mormons. the French-speaking world. I liked the electricity had gone out again. My office-mate became a good that the Mass in the local language When I returned to my village, friend and on my last day at the was said by an Italian priest, and I knew, somehow, that encoun- office she was “inspired” to give featured a full complement of mu- tering a Mormon in the middle me a Book of Mormon. I took it sicians playing traditional instru- of Central Africa “meant some- politely, but decided against pack- ments and a large choir against a thing.” I finished my second year ing it for Cameroon. background painting of the Last and when I returned to California, Supper, showing Christ and the researching the Church was on my Page 24 Apostles as Africans in local dress. to-do list. Although I knew of the Church superficially through my the friendships I enjoyed, I was still woman. While working for interna- friends, I wanted to learn more not sure, until I read Enos 41, and tional organizations I have attended about the issues that bothered me, prayed for an answer of my own. meetings in Kenya, Benin, Togo, such as polygamy and feminism. After a year and a half of strug- Ivory Coast, Ghana, and Camer- I also wanted to know more about gle, prayer, and much reflection— oon, as well as hosting meetings basic issues like prayer, church and against my parents’ wishes—I in my own home while living in attendance, and some elements I was baptized at the age of 27 by Morocco, Mali, and Burkina Faso. vaguely remembered from the few Shelly’s husband, two days before Although I am disappointed to see times I’ d attended meetings, such leaving for grad school in Wash- that African wards are set up like as why members drank water in- ington, D.C. When I grappled with direct transplants from Utah, I hope stead of wine. In short, I wanted to difficult issues in the Church, like that congregations will eventually know everything before I took the the logistics of conversion and evolve to incorporate local tradi- plunge—literally and figuratively. membership, I often thought of my tions, as I had seen with the Catho- I got back in touch with Shelly, Congolese friend and how much lic church. I often think of my the friend who gave me The Book she must have struggled with simi- Congolese friend when I see single of Mormon, and the Church mis- lar issues, but with the additional professional women in Africa who sionary program went into high burden of handling cultural differ- are unusual both in and out of the gear. My “conversion team” in- ences as well. I am often reminded church context, because of their volved Shelly and her family, old of her when I see African members education, their work life, and their Mormon friends from grade school both in the U.S. and overseas. marital status. I think of the African and high school, new Mormon Now that I have been a member members in general, and how chal- friends from classes I’ d taken to of the Church for more than ten lenging it must be to belong to a prepare for grad school, the local years, and having seen the Church “new” church with strange customs Institute director, and an ever- in Africa, I can only imagine how and requirements. changing parade of elders. Since faithful she was to have joined the My experience with the Mor- I was unable to hold discussions Church and to have remained a mon church started with a 7th at home because of my parents’ member as a single professional grade friendship, and culminated in opposition, I had them in the ward a baptism inspired by my experi- building, at the Institute, or at 1 Enos 4: “And my soul hungered; and ences as a Peace Corps volunteer. I kneeled down before my Maker, and I friends’ homes. I zipped through cried unto him in mighty prayer and sup- Although the Church’ s institution- the Book of Mormon, and attended plication for mine own soul; and all the al growth has so far not incorpo- meetings when I could. While I day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when rated local traditions and histories, was inspired by the examples and the night came I did still raise my voice I am confident that one day we high that it reached the heavens.” will sing of Deseret to a drum ac- companiment. “I know the Church is true” rings in my head, both in English and in French. I’m sure that even if I hadn’t joined Peace Corps I would have converted to Mormonism at some point in my life. I firmly believe that my search for meaning, structure, and com- munity would have led me to the LDS church regardless of my place in life. But Peace Corps gave me the space and the quiet to think, when I was most ready to reflect on my own spiritual journey. ■

Photo courtesy of the author, shown at right Page 25 Goodness Gracious Linda Hoffman Kimball, who has been associated with Exponent II since 1973, returns with her beloved col- umn. She muses with humor and affection on the goodness and grace in her own life and in the experiences of other women. She turns her eye toward the simple things that amuse the sojourn that is “fulfilling the measure of our creation.” Rinse and Put was the phrase used constantly as Alternative Journaling instruction to my kids about what they should do with by Linda Hoffman Kimball their dishes after a meal—Rinse them and Put them in Evanston, Illinois the dishwasher. It was sometimes shortened to R&P. A visitor once asked my children what phrases their Many years ago at an Exponent II retreat, author mom said most often. They replied, “‘I love you’ and and funny lady Louise Plummer led a workshop on ‘Rinse and Put.’” outside-the box-journaling. (That’s not what she called D-E-S-S-E-R-T - When my kids were young, it, since it was so many years ago that the term “out- instead of saying the word that means something tasty side the box” hadn’t become popular, and so many and often sweet after a meal, I spelled it. It caught on. years ago that we were still meeting in lovely Hills- My kids started asking, “What’s for d-e-s-s-e-r-t?” boro, NH with its rustic cabins and privies.) Louise set Eating it became a reward for knowing how to spell it us to thinking about alternative—and livelier—ways correctly. We were all pleased. we can record our lives besides keeping a traditional One elephant went out to play is a ditty my mom journal. sang with me when I was a tot. I continued to sing One example was to rummage through your purse it with my brood. We used it to wile away time for a and write down everything it contains. From lipstick to short duration such as until the school bus came, the dry cleaning receipts to movie tickets to saved fortune light changed, the pitcher filled with water. The words cookie messages, a personality emerges. Other sug- are, “One elephant went out to play/On a spider’s gestions Louise gave included a review of your check- web one day./He had such enormous fun/He asked book stubs and a careful examination of your family another elephant to come.” It goes on with two el- calendar. These days another indication of someone’s ephants having enormous fun, then three, etc… until personality is to see what they have on their ipod or the bus comes. Sometimes we would guess how many what kind of apps they download to a phone. If they elephants a particular wait might be and then see who don’t know what an app or an ipod is, that tells you a was correct. If you try singing this, be judicious. If you lot, too. value your sanity it’s best not to sing this to something One thing I did recently was to write down a list of that could take longer than twenty elephants. “family words.” These are words or phrases our family created and used regularly for at least some stretch of time. It isn’t quite like displaying the physical or aural contents of a collection, but the process of remember- ing our uniquely coined phrases illuminates our col- lective lives. Our family words brought back memories of high chairs smeared with Cream of Wheat, Sunday feasts of Ramen noodles, strategies to kill time, the emergence of each child’s personality, the routine chores of life— a peek into the personality of our household. I wish I had such a list for all my forebears. Here are some of the “family words” that mark the history of our Hoffman-Kimball family household. What do they reveal about us?

Page 26 The Contents of a Purse by Linda Hoffman Kimball Sweden and Canada - My mother’s side of the family is Sabbath Pastorals Swedish. A relative sent us a Paul’s epistles (often called pastorals) strengthened early Saints and up- postcard with a photo on it of lift followers today. Sabbath Pastorals highlights women preaching and the Maritime Museum called the teaching from the pulpit in wards around the world. Sjofartsmuseet (meaning sea voy- age museum). When pronounced The Atonement and the Two Great Commandments correctly by a Swede, this sounds to an American’s ears very much by Allison Pond like “Few Farts Museum.” Hav- Alexandria, Virginia that way. But then I sin. Whether ing the cumulative sense of humor a sin of omission or commission, of ten-year-olds, we thought this As I prepared for this talk and eventually, I sin. And now I’m was hilarious. Our family started considered the concept of being not perfect anymore. So I have to referring to using the bathroom for “at one” with God, I wrestled with repent, and then I can be perfect “big” business as “going to the Few the sense that earlier in my life, I again. I try to stay that way as long Farts Museum.” That morphed into had the atonement figured out a lot as possible, but eventually I sin just “going to Sweden,” as a nod to better than I do now. I spoke to a again, leading to a roller coaster civility. friend of these frustrations, and she cycle of sin and repentance. After that became common said, very matter-of-factly, “You’ve This is a problematic way to usage, we recognized a need for grown. Your life has expanded, approach our lives. It casts sin as somewhere to travel for less ambi- and you are in a new place, so you a simple act that can be corrected, tious business. Canada, since it need the atonement in new ways.” rather than as part of the nature of was so much closer, became our That was a light bulb for me, and our fallen state. It puts God’s power number one travel destination with a relief. I realized that feeling a to forgive into our hands as some- Sweden remaining number two. need for Christ or the power of the thing we can simply access at will Once on a road trip from Boston atonement doesn’t always mean through repentance, as if the atone- to Chicago, we traveled through I’ve regressed or done something ment were a vending machine. This Canada briefly. We took the oppor- wrong that needs to be fixed. In paradigm doesn’t fully recognize tunity to stop at the border gift shop fact, it can be the opposite—I am God’s grace, which is present every where some of us went to Sweden progressing, and needing the atone- minute, making us more than what while we were in Canada. ment in new ways is part of pro- we are alone. In reality, we are W-A-L-Q - Our family had a gression. In this talk, I want to dig never perfect, not at any time dur- wonderful dog named Worthy. He deeper into the connection between ing this mortal journey. would get very excited whenever atonement and progression and For me, the concept of progres- he heard the word “walk” because then discuss the idea of oneness sion is a much better way to think he assumed someone was taking and atonement in our relationships about our lives. Instead of trying him on one. To limit his enthusi- with God and with others. to remain perfect and only reach asm, we started spelling the word out for the atonement when we fall W-A-L-K when we used the word The Atonement and Progression especially hard, what if we instead in a non-Worthy context. Before There are at least two ways we saw the atonement as part of a long Worthy caught on and got can view ourselves on our mortal larger work of progression? In this excited when we spelled W-A-L-K. journey and in our relationship to scenario, I wake up in the morning We then switched to spelling it W- God. One is through the lens of aware of my imperfections—my A-L-Q. He never broke that code. progression, and another is through strengths and my weaknesses, the Perhaps this exercise has re- the lens of perfection. whole package—and then try to vealed more than you wanted to Framing our lives in terms of improve a little during that day, know about our family! Try it for perfection can look something like yourselves with your own family this: I get up in the morning, and I Continued on Page 28 words and I'll bet you'll be delight- have a fresh start. I think to myself, ed with what you discover. ■ “I’m perfect,” and I try hard to stay Page 27 Continued from Page 27 only call it God’s grace. It came to me without anything on my part. I knowing God is walking with me simply experienced the pain of liv- along the way; knowing that little ing in a mortal world and the things by little, I am gradually changing that happen to us here, and God’s and growing, rather than feeling the compassion and condescension brutal impact of repeatedly falling to me in the middle of my intense from grace every day of my life. suffering were unmistakable and This perspective has helped me incredible. A sense of peace, love, feel closer and more at one with and eternity settled over me. I’ve God, and to recognize that the never felt anything like it before or atonement is active in my life all since. Often, the times when I feel the time. It means that I am regu- closest to being one with God are larly at one with God, not just in simply gifts from him. the harshest moments of deepest A couple of days after the phone need. It also more fully embraces call from my father, my compan- the LDS doctrine of eternal pro- ion and I hit the streets of Russia gression and becoming like God again. My first attempt didn’t go through being one with God. Atonement by Cassandra Barney so well—I tried talking to a man Thought of in this way, the and woman at a bus stop and burst atonement makes the world a safe the whisperings of the Spirit—the into tears. But later that day, we place to learn and grow. Faith in language is varied because the knocked on the door of an elderly the atonement allows us to act experience is varied, and because it couple who invited us in. We asked without fear of eternal punishment, defies words, perhaps by design. I them how many children they had, frees us to develop our discern- can only speak from my own expe- and they said, “Well, we used to ment, to try things, to make honest rience, and so I want to share a few have six, but now we only have mistakes, to learn and progress observations about the times that I five.” Normally I might have tried with the knowledge that all things have felt closest to God and most at to steer clear of such a potentially can be overcome through Christ. one with him. awkward topic, but instead I asked As I thought further about the I had been in Russia as a mis- them what had happened. They atonement and our eternal progres- sionary for about five months told me that their eleven-year-old sion, I kept coming back to two when I received a phone call from daughter had been hit by a train. It concepts. The first is our personal my father, who was calling to tell was obvious that the mother still connection to God and the way we me that my family had been in- felt very real pain. She said to me, open ourselves to divine grace. The volved in a serious car accident. “That’s why I don’t understand second is the interconnectedness My mother had broken her neck, how people like you can believe in of our progression, the connection and my beautiful 17-year-old sister God. Look what happened to my between oneness with God and Lindsay had been killed. There daughter.” I took out a picture of oneness with one another. is so much I could say about this my family, pointed out my sister, experience and the way it has and told the woman that she’d died Oneness with God shaped and impacted my testimony in an accident a few days earlier. Oneness with God is difficult and relationship with God. What I And I told her that I believed in to talk about because it is such an can share now is how I felt in those God because of the comfort I’d felt individual experience. But I be- moments and days after this event. and because understanding God’s lieve we’ve all had moments when Never before had I felt such deep plan was the only way it made we’ve felt God deep in our souls. pain, but never before had I felt sense to me. I told her about eternal Call it a centering, call it a whole- such peace, comfort, and gratitude. families and resurrection, at which ness or oneness, call it grace, call it God’s presence was almost tangi- point she said, “How could my ble, like a blanket wrapped around daughter ever have her body back Page 28 me that I could grab hold of. I can again? She doesn’t have any legs.” As I continued to teach her about ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ out in service, it is an acknowl- the resurrection and the plan of Dostoyevsky points out that it’s a edgement of our shared humanity, salvation and saw a flicker of hope lot harder to love people one at our shared mortality and all that ignite in her, I felt deep in my soul a time. It takes “labor and for- entails. We are all in it together. that I was right where I needed to titude.” But persevering in this The apostle John also ties the be, doing God’s work. difficult type of love brings us to atonement to our relationships That’s my second observation: “behold clearly the miraculous with others: “We know that we some of the moments I feel clos- power of the Lord who has been have passed from death unto life, est to being one with God are the because we love the brethren. He all the time loving and mysteri- times I am reaching out to someone that loveth not his brother abideth else and I feel words or ideas come ously guiding [us],” and that this in death” (1 John 3:14). If we and know there is something right is the way to know God. take death to mean spiritual death, about it all. I feel whole, in spite of ■ ■ ■ ■ ■ and life to mean our new lives in whatever else may be going on. Christ, where we are one with him, I can’t think of one exact mo- experience, because that’s defi- then this verse is actually saying ment to epitomize my third obser- nitely not the case. In fact, I cat- that our love for one another is one vation, but I think the best way to egorically reject the idea that there evidence of this change in us. “We describe it would be communion is any one thing or set of things we know that we have passed from with God, drawing near to him. can do that guarantees us commu- death unto life”—or, one could say, “Draw near unto me, and I will nion with God. But I have certainly from sin unto grace—because we draw near unto you,” the Lord tells had experiences where I have tried love our fellow brothers and sisters. us through Joseph Smith in D&C to draw near to God, and he has In The Brothers Karamazov, by 88:63. I think drawing near to God reached back. This is part of the Fyodor Dostoyevsky, the priest, consists of more than just being atonement. And this is my third ob- Father Zossima, is approached by a righteous. It refers to a yearning, a servation about oneness with God: woman who is trying to reclaim her reaching after God in our souls. that we can open ourselves to him faith in God. His advice to her is This has worked for me. Some- and reach out, and he will reach that the way to feel certain of God times it has involved fasting and back. He will commune with us. is to engage in what he calls “active then listening and writing im- love” of others. But he also warns pressions before I break my fast. Oneness with Others her that active love is difficult, and Sometimes it is repentance and the I believe that ultimately being he gives the example of a doctor, pain of working through something one with God also entails becom- who described the difficulty of love that was creating dissonance in ing one with each other, and that in this way: my soul. Sometimes it is reading a our progression is linked to the “‘I love humanity,’ he said, scripture verse and having my eyes progression of those around us. In ‘but I wonder at myself. The more opened or my heart made whole. the Savior’s intercessory prayer, I love humanity in general, the Usually this kind of communion after he prayed that the Father will less I love man in particular. In has involved prayer of a very make each of us one with him, my dreams,’ he said, ‘I have of- authentic sort, prayer in which, as he said, “Neither pray I for these ten come to making enthusiastic one of my friends likes to say, I am alone, but for them also which shall schemes for the service of human- “getting real with God” about who believe on me through their word; ity, and perhaps I might actually I really am and what I am really that they all may be one” (John have faced crucifixion if it had doing. It involves acknowledging 17:20-21). This oneness, therefore, been suddenly necessary; and yet I the good, the bad and the ugly in extends out from our oneness with am incapable of living in the same my soul and asking God to teach God to include others with whom room with any one for two days me about myself, help me see we interact. together, as I know by experience. clearly, and bless me with wisdom. We need to reach out to one I’m not saying that every time another because salvation is in part Continued on Page 30 I fast or pray or read the scriptures a shared endeavor. Whether we are Page 29 it works and I have a transcendent reaching out in need or reaching Continued from Page 29 have the same spiritual vibrancy or mandments Christ referred to in closeness to God in their prayers Matthew 23: Love of God and love As soon as any one is near me, his that they did as missionaries. He of our neighbor. The atonement— personality disturbs my self-com- counseled them to: the setting “at one” with God and placency and restricts my freedom. “Go one week without offering with others—is strongly linked to In twenty-four hours I begin to hate a single prayer for your well-being. these two commandments, and to the best of men: one because he’s Instead, use your prayers to give what happens in our souls as we try too long over his dinner; another thanks [and] to know who you can to live them: we are changed, and because he has a cold and keeps help and how you can help them. we are set at one. on blowing his nose. I become In my experience, those prayers The atonement is more than a hostile to people the moment they are answered and quickly, provided bridge, more than a ransom, more come close to me. But it has always they are asked sincerely. . . That than the payment of a debt. It is happened that the more I detest type of prayer brings us closest to more than a train conductor whose men individually the more ardent prayer’s ultimate purpose, which son is on the tracks and more than becomes my love for humanity.’” is to transform us into the type of a way for a girl to get the bicycle Dostoyevsky’s point is that it’s person who can help God with of her dreams. It is more than all easy to love mankind, but a lot His work and His glory, which is of the metaphors we use to try to harder to love people one at a time. to bless His children. The highest get a handle on something so much It takes “labor and fortitude.” But form of prayer, in my view, is not bigger than our understanding. The he also says that persevering in to persuade a reluctant and distant atonement is the power of God that this difficult type of love brings us God to help us, but to put us in a reaches in and transforms us from to “behold clearly the miraculous place where we can help Him. I the inside out. It touches us in just power of the Lord who has been all have found that when I pray most the way we need to be touched. the time loving and mysteriously and best, I am better able to love, It is at the crux of our purpose in guiding [us],” and that this is the be loved by, and serve others.” life—to progress, grow, and be- way to know God. come like God. As Saint Augustine Several years ago Judge Tom Conclusion said, “God was made man, so that Griffith was a stake president at Oneness with God and with man might be made God.” BYU, where he counseled many others have been the two recurring God is real. The atonement is returned missionaries who were concepts of this talk and are a strik- active in our lives. I have experi- feeling discouraged that they didn’t ing parallel of the two great com- enced it. I have experienced God, and God’s love, forgiveness, and grace. I experience it every day, and so do you. I don’t say the atonement can be active in our lives as long as we do x, y or z, because that is not my testimony right now. My testimony is that the atonement is active in our lives, and it is active in ways we may be aware of as well as countless ways we are not. God is present in our lives, no matter what else may be going on. I believe we can feel him reaching back to us when we draw near to him and open ourselves to him in a fully authentic way, espe- cially when we reach out to extend that love, that mercy, that grace to Page 30 Leaves with Plum by Karen Warshal another of God’s children. ■ Tribute: Remembering Linda Sillitoe I met Linda Sillitoe at the home of mutual friends, Jim and Karen Dosdall, when Linda was a student at the University of Utah. Over the years I followed her work, which I find to be some of the best that has come out of LDS culture. She moved to Arizona with her daughter, Cynthia, in 1995 and joined our Uppity Women group. I had the privilege of getting to know her as a friend and mentor. We had just finalized arrangements to use Linda’s work for this issue of Exponent II when she died on April 7, 2010. As a memorial to accompany her poetry we have included comments from some of her friends and others influenced by her work. - Judy Curtis

Deborah Kris - I stumbled upon a used copy of Sillitoe's Win- dows on the Sea and Other Stories at Sam Wellers Bookstore when I was still in high school. Reading it was both a wound and a balm. Here I was, fifteen and living in Provo, Utah. I knew that my family was full of questioning, intense people, that we didn't feel like a "typical" Mormon family—but I didn't have words to describe the dissonance I felt, much less a narrative. And then I found Linda Sillitoe's stories. I loved Linda's characters—they reflected the complexity of faith and culture, they were loveable and flawed, they felt like family. Finding that book was a gift. I have read it a dozen times now, L-R: Judy Curtis, Doe Daughterty, Kay Gaisford, and it still sits in a place of honor on my bookshelf, beloved Cynthia Sillitoe, and Linda Sillitoe, 1999 for the comfort it gave when I didn't even know I needed it. Jim and Karen Dosdall - Our relationship with Linda goes back to her early years of Sue Werner - I am grieved by the passing of Linda, but am writing before her graduation in 1965 from comforted by cherished memories of the many long conversa- Salt Lake South High School. Though still a tions we shared as a group of women in Arizona. I am grate- teenager, Linda awed us with her bright and ful for her brilliant mind and gentle manner. Along with her sensitive spirit, her depth of understanding and creative genius, she was warm and soothing. She had the gift feeling, and her unparalleled mastery of lan- of creating peace and calm in challenging situations. guage. We became her first-line critics, honing In Salamander, which for me read like a mystery novel, words and their nuances deep into the night. Linda bravely employed her meticulous reporting skills as she When Linda and John married a year later, uncovered secrets the powerful wanted to control. Few people they moved into the apartment next door to have reporting and writing skills equal to Linda’s. She was ours. She experienced with us the emergence amazing, and I felt privileged to know her. of the personalities of our children as they came along, capturing moments and aspects of their essence in her poetry. Linda was with us Kendahl Millicam - I never met Linda, but I belong to a at the birth of our tiny twin daughters, and at lunch group of women who knew her. Imagine my surprise the death of Beth and the continuing struggles when I put together who she was with the book I had just of Jeannie, now a handicapped adult. Linda’s finished reading:Salamander . How strange! I had no idea that gift of poetry at this time spoke the thoughts my friends knew the woman who had written Salamander. we could not express and soothed our troubled Later I got to pick out a pair of earrings from a selection that hearts. Over the years we have continued to Linda made and sent to us. I was catching a lucky glimpse of treasure the extraordinary glimpses into the my connection to Mormon women in that moment, as tangible souls of those Linda wrote of (including her as the smooth stones in the earrings. Linda drew me into that own) through her startling combination of circle, and I am thankful for it. ■ insight and word craft. Partaking of Linda’s perceptions has indeed affected our lives. Page 31 Poetry As a special tribute to Linda Sillitoe, this issue we are featuring some of our favorites from her poetry. Missing Persons I know where the bodies are buried who haunt in my house and can whistle past the remains of the children? indefinitely before I must dig and The young sift. mother who dressed each child in red Almost at once, the remains of a girl scout for this photo? The weary one at nine, her green uniform folded who rocks more neatly until dawn? The yellowed than it was worn, the sturdy body newspaper girl quite gone. smiling like a bride? Under the most dust A turquoise bib recalls the I find the diary kept from twelve Advice on love, ii chubby boy to sixteen, Never fall for with oatmeal around the mouth about boys, often as not, keening a wizard, my child, that opened, for them (and you are just the type, swallowed, despite the sound as if nothing mattered but scouting wise and young, asleep eyes. out love. wanting always to know). Lost her baby, I heard then, There is nothing here I can keep Oh, he’ll open the blossoms in between or discard. to tunnels that sear those I kept; only to find the more I’m putting it all back, your spine and empty they survive, the more I lose sprinkling dust into sky; he’ll teach you them again. over the top and closing the to decipher clouds What do I do now with this closet door and nervous laughter, as if, in the dark, the ghosts the snarls in your soul. doll dress my lastborn wore for ten will rest. ■ But as your eyes remain yours – miniature months? from Crazy for Living (1993) not merely his reflection – How do I greet these ghosts with an angry pouf (or without) he’ll disappear From the Laurel leaving you with the vapors We come playing flute from the sealing bark of trees that drip the insipid message and violin the notes we come clothed in our own light this is maybe for your good lift limber as the green weaving sonatas we have (not to mention his convenience). aspen see how we sway composed ourselves as the music unwinds You’ll be walking with sensate feet call us wife mother daughter and yet keep our form in the scatterbrained world, in your own language see how we fill empty jars knowing how to dial him up but our music is the wind with arpeggios we bear when there’s no answer, that draws us into light pots of crescendos in our hands mad to try, we are out now and spoiled just a bit you recognize our clothing and never shall that fear for ordinary men. ■ the way you know the wallpaper in our legs shield us from Owning the Moon (due 2011) above your own bed our hands no longer yet we are unfamiliar now wave another’s leaves. ■ Page 32 we are like spirits stepping out from Crazy for Living (1993) Flannel Board: Resources for Teaching This feature is designed to help us magnify our callings by providing ideas for teaching Primary, Young Women or Relief Society. Ideas could include uses for art and music, thought-provoking questions, analogies and metaphors, and for the younger crowd, games and object lessons. We welcome ideas and perspectives from all our readers in the hope that a diversity of experience will enrich worship services throughout the Church.

Relief Society Lesson on Infertility Linda Eastley Cambridge, Massachusetts en, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and This Relief Society lesson was given in the Cambridge ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matt. 11:28–29). 1st Ward in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in 2008. Ex- Those going through a cycle of disappointment ponent II has added italicized questions to help guide to discouragement to devastation may struggle with lesson discussion. acceptance on many levels. I’d like to frame today’s lesson by finding ways that those suffering with infer- A. Introduction tility don’t need to do it alone and reminding all of us Note to teacher: With such a personal and unknown that we can play a part. (for some) topic like infertility, it may be helpful for If you have not dealt with infertility, I hope this the teacher to begin with telling about her/his experi- lesson will help you see a way of life that so many live ences with infertility (even if s/he hasn’t experienced through, feeling alone and isolated. I hope it will help infertility, chances are s/he’s seen how it has impacted us all think twice when we see a situation we do not a family member or close friend). An example: understand and assist us in coming to that situation I’ve been thinking a long time about teaching a with more compassion and empathy. lesson on infertility. Before my own experience with infertility I had never heard the topic discussed in C. Stories church, or heard it addressed in Conference or seen My story - Something that helped me the most was it written about in The Ensign (there have been four to enroll in an infertility group with 12 other women, Ensign articles since this lesson was originally given) to learn of our shared struggles, and to feel mentally and the fact that it wasn’t something talked about in ‘normal’ again. Because this was the turning point my religious culture made me feel even more isolated. for me, I decided to frame our lesson today by asking During my experiences I remember asking myself friends of mine to share their stories: what they did in questions about whether I was weak, weird, too their lowest moments. emotional, not righteous enough, being punished for I’ve asked some of you to read stories of women something, and/or ungrateful. and men who look back at infertility. I hope that you’ll be able to absorb what this kind of struggle might feel B. Why this topic is relevant to all of us like (names have been changed). I believe that core to my struggle was my desire to Note to Teacher: Prayerfully consider which of find peace. To me, peace comes through feeling that the following stories would be most applicable to your there is someone who can genuinely empathize with class. When appropriate, consider asking the class for me and someone I can rely on with my deepest confes- their thoughts, ideas, and questions. Some examples of sions and fears. Much of this comes through an evolv- questions to ask: ing relationship with God, and much of it comes from Have you observed or experienced times when the beauty of good friends. friends were particularly supportive? How were they In the New Testament, the Lord tells us some of the supportive? reasons he was sent to the earth: “To heal the brokenhearted, … to set at liberty Continued on Page 34 them that are bruised” (Luke 4:18). He also taught: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy lad- Page 33 Continued from Page 33

Have you observed or experienced times when comments by friends (well intentioned or otherwise) have been damaging? How?

Jennifer - The most difficult moment for me dur- ing our six years of dealing with infertility occurred late in those years on an afternoon when a well- meaning friend called to explain that I could end our struggle with infertility by blending and drinking a high-protein shake each day. She listed the ingredients (all specialty ingredients, nothing I’d seen in our su- permarket aisles) and promised results. I just held the phone listlessly and thought about what it would mean to hand wash a blender each afternoon (we didn’t have a dishwasher) in addition to the regimen of shots, hospital visits, etc. that already felt like a part-time job. I hung up the phone and, in despair, just uttered the word, “Help.” In that moment, I heard the words in my mind, “Just do what you are doing.” That whisper- ing of the still, small voice was of immense comfort. I was able to shake off the sorrow, worry, and fear that we weren’t doing enough and trust that our best efforts were acceptable to Heavenly Father. I suppose, in retrospect, what I understand from that moment is that even well-intentioned suggestions Expecting by Galen Dara (and this suggestion came from a friend who loved me dearly and whom I dearly love), can be devastating want children?” or “You shouldn’t put off having in their implication that the infertile couple is at fault: children”—is very, very difficult for a couple already not enough protein, not enough exercise, too much coping with infertility. exercise, too much stress, too little faith. Sometimes It was when I was a Bishop that I learned just how silence in the place of suggestions can be the truest prevalent the problem of infertility is. It was among expression of love. the challenges that brought couples to my office most often. I wish that all of these couples had experienced Michael - For me, the silence of our church mem- the charitable silence with which we were blessed. bers was a true expression of love and regard. While undoubtedly many individuals wondered why we Caroline - To support people who are going were childless—we’d been married for many, many through infertility, I would just say be open, loving years; I’d served as bishop twice; we were established and not judging or too ready with advice. I will never professionally—no one ever asked. No member of the forget my visiting teacher who was so supportive, stake presidency, no member of our ward. We were even though her fertility situation was so different not judged or questioned. In contrast, we have many than mine. She really grieved with me and was just a dear friends and family members who have had to friend and support. She always seemed to be inspired bear the burden of infertility without the blessing of on the days to call to just say hi or to invite us over for such charitable silence. Trying to cope with questions dessert. Nothing beats the power of inspiration when or statements—even those that are kindly intended dealing with situations like these. And she let me and such as “Why don’t you have children?” “Don’t you my husband love her kids like our own. It seemed like some people drew away from me, thinking that it Page 34 would make me sad to be around their families, when really that friendship and support helped me. tive to both our relationship and to conceiving a child. Spencer Condie gave a talk in conference titled Not having attended medical school, I struggled to “Claim the Exceeding Great and Precious Promises.” give my wife the daily shots, seeing how the injections He talked about faith and having confidence that just burned. Trying to console her fear of surgery in Heavenly Father hasn’t misplaced our promised bless- the O.R. wasn’t easy either. Do these doctors under- ings. He talks about Rachel and her struggles in con- stand what it feels like to be helpless? Is this all worth ceiving and how some of the most beautiful words in it? Maybe some people aren’t meant to have their scripture are “And God remembered Rachel,” and she own children. Why do children come relatively easy conceived with now millions of descendants. It doesn’t for some and impossible for others? talk about making deals with the Lord or thinking if One positive side of going through this experience you can only change this habit or stop that then I will may be that there is often an instant bond when talking be blessed with those promises. It is an awesome talk, to someone else who has also gone through or is expe- I have read and listened to it so many times I feel like I riencing challenges with conception. It seems to often can quote it. I think it is important for the people who be the case that people are not as readily sympathetic are going through infertility, and those close to them, unless they have also experienced the heartache of the to understand that fertility has nothing to do with your process, with or without results. worthiness to be a parent. Note to teacher: Consider seeking out stories like these in your ward in addition to the ones provided. Marcella (excerpted from The Ensign) - It was Mother’s Day. Childless, I wanted to run away as the D. Conclusion boys from the teachers quorum handed flowers to each One of the most challenging aspects of the infertil- of the mothers in our ward. My husband put his arm ity experience is dealing with the emotional ups and around me and whispered, “Stand up. You deserve downs relating to medical treatment, the uncertainty one, too.” Tears welled up in my eyes, and I longed to about outcomes, and the challenge of having to make disappear. important decisions such as when ‘enough is enough.’ I know I am not the only person who has ever had It is important to learn how to take care of yourself, feelings like these. Over the years I have found that make sure you that get the support you need, and to it is not uncommon for many of us in the Church to manage your emotions. Finding friends who are going feel occasional alienation and sorrow during church through the same experiences is the most valuable les- meetings. Lonely kids, widows, single adults, child- son I learned. less couples, are only a few of those who may feel this When Jesus was crucified by his detractors, it ap- yearning to be completely accepted. I wondered what peared to all observers—even to his disciples—that I could do when personal trials made it difficult for me his efforts had accounted for nothing. But the Savior and so many others I knew to feel joy at church. knew he had paid the price. History has borne record Personal peace was difficult for me to grasp and to the quality of his investment and our investments: I worked for years to resolve my own questioning. children or compassion or a deeper understanding of Though I attended church, read the scriptures, fasted, our limits and strengths. prayed, and attended the temple, my inability to have I believe in confidences and am committed to children caused me to feel uncomfortable, ashamed, them. There are others in the ward who have experi- and alienated. However, gradually I learned more ence with infertility: please let me know if having this about the peace the gospel offers. Even though my life kind of support is what you need. has not turned out as I had planned, I have learned that I testify that your tough journey will not be in the gospel has immeasurable gifts for me. vain. I testify that God loves you and I firmly believe that it breaks our Heavenly Parents’ hearts to see us James—My wife and I had each been diagnosed suffer. Don’t be discouraged if you can’t always be in with infertility symptoms, and as a couple this makes the frame of mind to depend on the divine, but know for a significant challenge. I think we realized that that love will be there when you ask. ■ having to work harder at having a baby would help us ‘want’ it more, but ironically it was a lot of physical and emotional stress, which often felt counter-produc- Page 35 Book Review Read any good books lately? The Book Review Committee is seeking book reviews or suggestions for Exponent II’s upcoming issues. We hope to include a variety of titles, topics, and reviewers. Email exponentiieditor@ gmail.com for more information. The Secret Keeper Reviewed by Janessa Ransom By Mitali Perkins. Random House, Alpine, Utah 2009. 225 pg.

The Secret Keeper is the story to study and teach. Asha is excited of sixteen-year-old Asha, an Indian for him, but he tells her that he girl on the cusp of adulthood, who doesn’t want to go. She cannot un- must move to her uncle’s home derstand why he wouldn’t want to with her mother and sister when escape the strict pressure of Indian her father leaves Calcutta to find life, but for Jay, the traditions that work in New York. Asha feels Asha sees as inhibiting enrich his acutely the injustice imposed on perspective and make him who he her by the cultural traditions that is, both as a person and as an artist. rule life in her uncle’s home. As Things get complicated after a child she was given freedom to that, and soon everyone Asha loves pursue her own interests, whether is forced to make major sacrifices It is the struggle between ad- they were viewed as masculine or out of loyalty to each other and in hering to religious traditions and feminine. Now she must accept her honor of their traditions. For Jay, finding one’s inner voice that role as a traditional Indian woman. that means leaving India for the job makes this book pertinent to con- Her resistance makes her some- in New York. Will he continue to temporary young women of the thing of a feminist role model, and find inspiration in the life and tradi- LDS faith. Our traditions are not challenges the reader to consider tions he is leaving behind, or does nearly as prescriptive or patriar- complicated but important ques- his departure show a turning away chal as those we see represented tions. How does one find an indi- from tradition in favor of greater in Secret Keeper, but like Asha vidual voice in a life defined by freedom for individual expression we may sometimes feel the pull tradition? When does tradition em- and choice? between our religious traditions power the individual? When does And what about Asha, who must and our independent thought or the it inhibit? What kind of sacrifices abandon her own hopes of going choices we might feel compelled does it require? Is it worth those to New York some day? We see to make. What makes Asha’s story sacrifices? Asha lose so much in this book— especially valuable is the complex- For Asha, those questions come so much that she loves. But she ity that is weighed and balanced into focus when she meets a young manages to gain something that is throughout. As difficult and re- man named Jay. His bedroom win- perhaps worth more than all that strictive as Asha’s traditions are, dow is situated across from Asha’s she says goodbye to—a measure of she never leaves them, never even roof top, where she often escapes independence, a chance to pursue considers doing so. There are no to think and write in solitude. Jay her dreams. She does all this while easy answers available to her or is an artist and at the beginning of upholding the cultural and religious to readers. Ultimately, it is a story their friendship he tells Asha that traditions that are so important to that, like life, requires courage and he has an offer to go to New York her mother and her father’s family. hope. ■ Please visit our website at http://www.exponentii.org Submissions can be emailed to [email protected] Page 36 or mailed to Aimee Hickman at 2035 Park Avenue, Baltimore, MD 21217