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Facing Down Stereotyping to Raise Empowered, Authentic Kids Kathy Masarie MD, Parent Coach and author of Raising Our Daughters/Sons and Face to Face www.family-empower.com Introduction: Gender lessons start at birth Baby X Story: “I have to know if the baby is a boy or a so I know how to treat the baby.” Baby Storm, Canada- is a real-life baby x story

Overview and the harm caused Biology Biologic differences we know about Development Development SUPPORT Gender creativity starts at home. It takes courage. Listen to boys, Empower our Address overt aggression and micro-aggressions Support schools and workplaces to be gender inclusive

Cultural Messages: “Guy/Gal in a box:” Stereotypes/ expectations for how guys/ gals are supposed to act What happens to people who step outside of box Straight-laced: How Gender Has Us all Tied Up www.groundspark.org Stereotypical Feminine: Dependent, Weak/Not aggressive/ Gentle, Submissive/ Passive, Indecisive, Easily influenced, Home-oriented, Verbal, Talkative, Emotional, Cries a lot- expresses emotions, Easily hurt emotionally, Sensitive to others feelings, Tactful, Nurturing, Girls- OK to do school, Virgin, Masculine: Independent, Strong/Aggressive/ Tough, Dominant/Active, Decisive, Not easily influenced, Worldly, Analytical, Not all that talkative, Logical, Rarely cries, only emotion –anger, Not easily hurt emotionally, Less sensitive, Blunt, Not nurturing, Boys-Don’t do school- not cool, Studs Gender roles are learned: socialization: Stereotypical expectations permeate socialization Parents: internal bias influences modeling, expectations, interactions, chores, toys Media: promotes extreme gender roles Peers: taunt/bully anyone “out of the box” School: teachers’ internal bias influences expectations Work: biases influence hiring, pay, recognition, raises Gender roles are reinforced in media Sexy/pretty MalesStrong/competent 3 minutes with fashion magazines- cause 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, shameful 1995 study

Why do we hang on to stereotypes: congruent (easy, fast) Stereotype incongruent (difficult, slow) Simplicity: black and white is easy and comfortable/ Complexity is hard, uncomfortable, ever-changing To deal with complexity, we fall back to simplicity: Change is hard. We are busy. The Harm of Conformity/Stereotypes Authenticity, self-hood, happiness compromised Creativity and contribution is limited Shame: if you knew ___ about me, you would not like me (Brene Brown, TED talk: shame,vulnerability) Angst: depression, suicide, cutting, run-aways, eating disorders, substance abuse, promiscuity Accepting abusive relationships: ‘Women must be submissive, Men must be tough’ “The Good Guide” Housekeeping Monthly 5/13/55 “A good wife always knows her place”

Biological Differences Boys – more active* and better visual-spatial skills* value action, production *Due to male hormones: infant girls exposed to in utero are more active/spatial,” “tomboys” Girls- Better language and at reading facial expressions value relationships Non-verbal cues: Two years ahead of boys on (TED The Demise of Guys) Brains: Male: bigger amydala (emotions), more wiring front to back : Bigger Hippocampus/increased wiring 5 senses to hippocampus(memory) wiring side to side

Gender Identity Development: Challenging binary 3 x 3 x 3 x 3 = 81 different expressions of gender identity Physical genitals at birth Penis/Vagina/Both Legal U.S. Birth certificate Male/Female* Core Gender feel inside Male/Female/Both Behavior act outside Male/Female/Both Romantic Partner Male/Female/Both * Legal recognition of 3rd sex or postponing exists in Germany, Australia, Nepal, India, Pakistan Spectrum of Normal Gender Identity Straight female: Female genitals, female inside and outside, and attracted to men Girl (not yet sexual) Male genitals, female inside and outside *Transgender population is 1.4million in US or 0.6% NYT article 7/1/16 EXERCISE: Where do you fit on the gender spectrum: parents at age 10, your kids age 10 or under Living a Transgender Childhood Josie Story http://www.nbcnews.com/video/dateline/48121998#48121998 Rylands Story http://www.raisingryland.com/#about Spectrum of Normal Gender Identity* “Straight” Male and female gender conforming Oranges: Gender non-conforming but don’t deny natal sex Fruit Salad: Resist gender boxes- living in gender middle ground, agender Apples: Consistent, Persistent, Insistent “I am a boy, not a girl”, have body dysphoria *Gender Creative Child: Pathways for Nurturing + Supporting Children Who Live Outside Gender Boxes Diane Ehrensaft PhD

Sexual Identity Development: 6 Stages* Identity Confusion Exploration Identity Comparison Possibly , but ??, deny isolate Identity Tolerance I am LGBT but may hide it, act out Identity Acceptance Accepts LGBT, aligns -other LGBT Identity Pride Strong identity as LGBT, may devalue Identity Synthesis Moves from us vs. them, less B+W *Developmental Patterns of LGBT Identity by Jody Bellant Scheer MD Sexuality/Gender Differences Happy, healthy people come in all and all sexual orientations Be supportive and become an ally: LGBTQ youth face challenges in school/society No “one size fits all” LGBTQ experiences are varied. Acceptance/ understanding/ empathy is key *Straight-laced: How Gender Has Us all Tied Up groundspark.org

Gender creativity/ inclusivity starts at home No evidence gender identity created by parental inadequacies, sexual abuse, coercion, personal choice 85 % of gender nonconforming youth identify as heterosexual in adulthood. Pediatrics Feb 2012 Resources for gender-neutral parenting() AACAP, 2006, JFC, 2008 Pollack 1998, Sexuality Information and Education Council of the , 2001 Things parents can do for gender neutrality Keep clothing and room décor neutral Allow kids to pick their own clothes: son in pink or tutu/ daughter as hulk Encourage play with both “boy” and “girl” toys Read books that on diverse Break up the chores: mom mows lawn, dad cooks www.parents.com/parenting/gender-neutral-parenting How do “male”/ “female” toys promote and encourage gender differences? Write down 3 of your favorite childhood toys. Describe if it was a stereotypical “male” or “female” toy or was it gender neutral. What skills and/ or abilities are encouraged by playing with that toy? Could encouraging boys/girls to play with different toys lead to gender differences in skills/ abilities?

Easier to be a Tomboy: a girl who behaves in a typically boyish manner (coined in 1545) Acting like a boy, playing with boys is “cool” Wearing boy/ clothes is totally OK Being tough, strong is OK until teen/adult SEXY Harder to be a Tomgirl a boy who behaves in a typically girlish manner (coined 300 years later 1840) I want to wear girls clothes, nail polish. I like playing with girls, girls’ toys I am sensitive. I cry sometimes. I want to go into fashion “If traditional socialization takes aim at girls’ voices, it takes aim at boys’ hearts.” I Just Don’t Want to Talk about It by Terrance Real (Male depression) It is still hard to be… Sensitive, gentle boy/man or Outspoken, assertive girl/ (esp if NOT sexy) Unless you are a heroine- Katherine Hepburn, Oprah Do we want our kids hide parts of themselves? Are we still femmephobic? Is feminine “less than?” Are we afraid powerful women? That they demasculinate men and devalue feminine Are we fag/gay/tomgirl/ sissyphobic? Stereotype sissy is: Male who doesn’t conform: weak, lacks courage, unathletic Has feminine hobbies, behavior (nail-polish), work (fashion) Used as a form of social control, enforcing “normative” gender roles, used by coaches, gangs, What about you? Can you stretch? Here’s some current day, gender stereotyping comments made by parent He doesn’t share feelings. He is a boy. Why would he want to read. He is a boy! Why would my son get out of after-school yoga or creativity clay club. There is no purpose, no product.

HOW TO SUPPORT OUR BOYS AND GIRLS Listening to Boys: Show he’s valued beyond strong/competent Allow his interests beyond gender “norms” Allow him to express himself emotionally Use boy-friendly communication Physical contact. Allow boys to express with movement. Honor a boy’s need for “timed-silence” before talking. Watch for subtle openings. Howard Hiton SW in Portland Real Boys by William Pollack Raising Our Sons “Ch. 5 Nurturing Emotions + Compassion” by Masarie, Jones, Scheer Find safe emotional spaces Find places to talk that are ‘shame free’. Allow boys to talk about feelings indirectly Position yourselves ‘shoulder to shoulder’. Moms and Dads watch your tendencies Women have tendency to pursue. Men have tendency to get disconnected. Learn about young men’s culture

Empowering our Girls: Show she’s valued beyond thin/pretty My body is functional, not an ornament for others Athletics, Nature, Meaningful work,Find passions Healthy self-regard: I matter just the way I am! I feel unconditional love! I feel capable! Booster confidence: Stomp out perfectionism Confidence Code In Boys and Girls: Keep the love of life-long learning ALIVE Find “goodness of fit” school and child’s style Focus on life skills always remembering that learning is FUN! Mind in the Making: 7 Essential Life Skills Children Need Ellen Galinsky: 1.Focus and Self Control 2. Perspective Taking 3. Communication 4. Making Connections 5. Critical Thinking 6. Growth vs Fixed Mindset 7. Life long learning

What Can Parents, Caring Adults Do to Address Gender Limitations? 1. Notice the problem of limiting others!!!!! 2. Fit issue to your family values 3. Create language to talk about it 4. Model and teach your kids about this 5. Catch micro-aggressions 6. Influence gender inclusivity in schools 7. Influence gender inclusivity in workplaces

1. NOTICE gender stereotyping; This is by far most important step. As you notice you will develop strategies Address your stereotypes Observe small, subtle ways stereotypes prevail Explore what triggers you. Stretch yourself toward acceptance. Treat boys and girls equally Treat everyone as if they deserve respect and dignity even if you don’t agree with their behavior Relax….so much of what kids do is explorative. “Love what is!” Loving What Is by Byron Katie 2. Get clarity on your values Values clarification exercise* What are my top values? top values of our family? How does moving toward gender inclusivity fit in with our values of connection, acceptance, safety, courage, kindness, support, creativity, happiness, respect….. *Face to Face Ch 1 “Values Clarification for Families: Exploring Values with your Children” 3. Create language to talk about it Role play with your best friend how you might intervene, talk about gender- biased situations Decipher how you might talk to your kids about gender-limiting media shows/ ads 4. Talk to the kids “Why is he wearing a dress when he has a penis?” Why not? No laws. Anyone can wear anything “Boys are stronger than girls” Some people think that. Why do you think that? Can you think of example where that is not true? Avoid refuting gender identity being right or wrong Teach your kids how to be an “Upstander” who steps in when someone is being mistreated Take the target away or start talking to them to distract Comfort them. Decide if you should tell an adult. 5. Catch microaggressions; Role play what you would do. Justin, age 13, gets a hug from his mom as she drops him off. His friends nearby snicker. Katie, age 6, gets taunted by boys for her Star Wars water bottle. Star Wars is “for boys, not for girls.” Caleb, age 8, who has always loved tutus + music, drops out of dance class after peers taunt him. Alexa, age 10, is frequently complimented on her looks, “You are so cute.” 6. Influence Change in Schools Treat boys and girls equally, equal opportunity Call out harmful gender-biased behaviors “In this school, that is not OK.” Don’t create groups or assign tasks by gender Create neutral bins of clothes/toys: Kids pick Talking to school about gender inclusivity. Confidentiality important When talking about , all questions are awesome Sometimes we stumble over words. Be prepared for mistakes Assume good will and positive intent. Address the idea not the person who said it PUBLIC: “Calling out” microaggressions PRIVATE: “Calling in” bigger conflict. Office of Diversity and Equity Multnomah Co., Portland VOA- Volunteers of America are not mandated to report if you need advice www.voa.org Transgender Resources: TransActive Gender Center, Portland, OR Washington Gender Alliance Resources listed on “Raising Ryland:” The Trevor Project, Trans Youth Family Allies, PFLAG……. Trans-inclusion Training for Schools from Purdue

7. Reduce gender bias at Work Make workplaces safe and fair Break down gender stereotyping Give women credit for their ideas Woman – stand up for yourself Equal pay for equal work Paid family leave for BOTH men and women Why bother to change the workplace “Our research and experience repeatedly demonstrate that gender equity and diversity greatly improve work practice and overall organizational effectiveness” CGO* Stop both casual AND unwanted advances both interfere with women’s well-being, job stressors + harmful workplace experiences 73,877 participants** Trans-gender phobia persists*** *Center for Gender in Organizations www.simmons.edu/about-simmons/centers-organizations-and-institutes/cgo **Casual Sexism in the workplace may affect women more than we realize Huffington Post 9/1/15 ***First Steps to Trans-inclusion in the workplace 2016 Break down stereotypes at work Acknowledge we all exhibit unconscious gender bias* Establish a no-interruption rule for everyone** Practice bystander intervention “Wait, let her finish” Create a buddy system with a colleague and agree to actively listen in meetings Use “amplification”: when a woman made a key point, other women repeat it, giving credit to the author. This forces men to recognize source + denied him the chance to claim it as his. *When a woman speaks in a professional setting she walks a tightrope. Either she’s barely heard or she’s judged as too aggressive. When a man says virtually the same thing, heads nod in appreciation for his fine ideas (an idea that originated in a woman) Sheryl Sandberg **How to not be man-interrupted in meetings” Time Jan 14, 2015 White House Women Want to Be in the Room Where It Happens September 13, 2016 Women: Stand Up for Yourself Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook CEO TED talk and author of Lean In 1. Sit at the table, not the second tier. 2. Make your partner a real partner 3. Don't leave before you leave. Ask for raises/bonuses/advances** Practice assertive language; Replace “Sorry” and Uptalk with Lean in, Power poses Count Her In by Women’s Foundation of Oregon **Ask for More Campaign www.levo.com/ask4more Confidence Code: Science + Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman Gender Equity/ Inclusivity/ Creativity Our kids are taking us on a mysterious, exciting gender journey Are we ready for the ride? Where do we go from here? To infinity and beyond