MIAMI UNIVERSITY The Graduate School
Certificate for Approving the Dissertation
We hereby approve the Dissertation
of
Nah-Ree Doh
Candidate for the Degree:
Doctor of Philosophy
______Director Larry M. Leitner, Ph.D.
______Reader Margaret O'Dougherty-Wright, Ph.D.
______Reader Yvette R. Harris, Ph.D.
______Graduate School Representative M. Elise Radina, Ph.D. ABSTRACT
EXPERIENCE OF LIVING IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY: MIGRATION AND MEANING MAKING
Nah-Ree Doh
Immigration is a stressful event, and immigrants go though an acculturation process as a result of being exposed to a new culture and having contacts with people who are different from them. As immigrants try to adjust to the new country, they encounter various challenges and experience many changes. Personal construct psychology (PCP), a theory of personality that emphasizes human choice and the creation of a personal meaning system, is one way to understand these changes. The sociality corollary in PCP theory emphasizes the importance of establishing a ROLE relationship, which involves understanding of the other person‘s process of meaning making. In this study, I used PCP theory to understand immigrants‘ experience of relationships, adjustment, and changes in a foreign country. This study explored five Korean immigrants‘ and sojourners‘ experiences of living in America in three topic areas: relationships, adjustment, and changes using the phenomenological approach of Amedeo Giorgi. The results indicate that participants experienced more difficulties in developing close relationships with non Koreans than Koreans in America although their quality of relationships with Koreans in America were not great compared to those in Korea. Participants found that their struggles with English, difficulties with fitting into American society, relationship issues, confusion caused by cultural differences, and other practical issues (e.g., financial problems) hindered their adjustment in America. Participants experienced changes in various areas including their life styles, relationships, attitudes, and opinions as a result of living in America. I discussed the implications for acculturation study, PCP as a way to understand immigration experiences, as well as the implications for working with immigrant population based on the finding of this study.
EXPERIENCE OF LIVING IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY: MIGRATION AND MEANING MAKING
A DISSERTATION
Submitted to the Faculty of
Miami University in partial
fulfillment of the requirements
for the degree of
Doctor of Philosophy
Department of Psychology
by
Nah-Ree Doh
Miami University
Oxford, Ohio
2010
Dissertation Director: Larry M. Leitner, Ph.D.
TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction ------1 Researcher‘s story ------2 Acculturation ------4 Migration and adjustment ------5 Factors associated with migration and adjustment ------7 Migration and interpersonal relationships ------9 Changes as a result of living in a foreign country ------10 Migration and personal construct psychology ------12 Sociality corollary and a ROLE relationship ------12 Validation and invalidation ------14 Commonality corollary ------15 Reconstruction of meaning system ------16 Topics for exploration ------18 Method ------18 Participants ------18 Materials ------19 Interview questions ------19 Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS) ------19 Procedure ------19 Data analysis ------20 Results ------21 Participants ------21 Jun ------21 Mirae ------21 Minho ------22 Yuri ------22 Sohee ------23 Relationships in America ------24 1. Relationships with Koreans in America ------24 Overall experiences of the relationships ------24 Differences in overall relationships with Koreans------24 Factors facilitating relationships with Koreans ------26 Constraints for relationships with Koreans ------27 2. Relationships with people other than Koreans in America (including Korean Americans) ------28 Overall experience of the relationships ------28 Factors facilitating relationships with people other than Koreans ------29
ii Constraints for relationships with people other than Koreans ------31 Adjustment in America ------36 1. Factors hindering adjustment ------36 Language and communication ------36 Experiencing difficulties fitting in ------38 Relationships ------39 Differences and confusions ------40 Practical issues ------41 2. Factors facilitating adjustment ------42 Interpersonal factors ------42 External factors ------43 Internal factors ------43 Changes ------43 Behavioral changes ------44 Changes in life style ------44 Changes with time ------45 Changes related to interpersonal relationships ------45 Changes in attitude ------47 Changes in opinion ------48 Changes in thinking ------49 Language and changes ------50 Personal growth ------50 Discussion ------52 Summary of research findings ------52 Implication for acculturation research ------53 PCP application for understanding immigration experiences ------57 A ROLE relationship and immigration ------57 Language, a ROLE relationship, and meaning making process ------62 Validation, invalidation, and adjustment ------66 Changes of constructs ------68 Implication for working with immigrant population ------71 Limitations for current study (suggestions for future research) ------72 Participants ------72 Researcher ------73 Reference ------74 Appendix A ------79 Appendix B ------80 Appendix C ------82
iii Appendix D ------86 Appendix E ------87 Appendix F ------257
iv
DEDICATION
This dissertation is dedicated to my father, Kapsoo Doh. He was the one who believed in my potential and provided all the opportunities to pursue my dream. His life inspired me and made me believe that I am the creator of my destiny. He taught me the importance of education, persistence, and personal will power. My memories of him helped me to overcome difficulties and obstacles in the journey of working on this project. He has been gone for several years but I still miss him and remember him every day. He will live through me and my children, and I will pass out all the lessons from him to the next generation.
v
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I am indebted to many people for making it possible for me to complete my dissertation project. First and foremost, I would like to express my gratitude to my advisor, Larry Leitner. He has been one of the most important and influential people in my life for the last nine years throughout my graduate career. He helped me integrate my interests in two areas, immigration and personal construct psychology, and patiently guided me through the long journey of working on this dissertation project. He read every single draft of my dissertation, gave me wonderful feedback and helped me to articulate my ideas. He shared his wisdom and knowledge that nourished my growth as a researcher, a therapist and a human being. I cannot thank him enough for everything he has done for me for the last nine years. I also would like to express my appreciation to my committee members, Margaret O'Dougherty-Wright, Yvette R. Harris, and M. Elise Radina, for their valuable feedback and contribution to this study. I feel grateful for their time and effort. I would like to thank my friends, Melinda McLaughlin, Michelle Redmond, and Valerie Domenici, who provided support, encouragement, and help whenever I needed. Especially, Melinda proofread most of my dissertation and term papers and I really appreciate all the help that Melinda provided throughout my graduate study. I would also like to express my gratitude to my research participants, five Korean immigrants and international students, for trusting me enough to reveal their experiences of living in America. Without their courage to share their stories, this study would not be possible. Many thanks to them for helping me understand Korean immigrants‘ experiences of relationships, adjustment and changes in America. Finally, I would like to express my love and appreciation to my family, my parents, little brother, husband, two children, and in-laws. Especially, my husband, Hwansik Yoon, provided me unconditional love, support and help throughout the long process of writing this dissertation, and my mom stayed in America for many months to take care of my children so I could focus on writing this study. Without their help, it would be impossible to complete the dissertation. I also owe many thanks to my precious children, Justin Jinwoo Yoon and Jayden Jihoon Yoon. They scarified many nights and weekends that we might have spent together and I will try to make up for their sacrifice throughout their lives
vi Experiences of living in a foreign country: Migration and meaning making
Introduction Because it has become increasingly common for people to migrate to other countries, more people are being exposed to different cultures. Whether temporary or permanent, the move to a different country can be quite stressful (Ben-Sira, 1997). Immigrants confront many difficulties due to language barriers, lack of social support, issues with employment, changes in family dynamics, and so on (Mio, Barker-Hackett, & Tumambing, 2006). Adjustment in the new country is an important task for immigrants, and the experience of both internal (e.g., changes in values and worldviews) and external changes (e.g., changes in life style and learning a new language) usually accompany their adjustment process. These changes result from first-hand contact with another culture and are called ―acculturation‖ (Berry, 1997; Ward, Bochner, & Furnham, 2001). Immigrants also need to develop relationships with people in the new country because they leave their social network in their country of origin. Immigrants who lack social support tend to experience social isolation and psychological problems such as depression and anxiety. On the other hand, the existence of social support helps immigrants cope with adjustment problems (Constantine, Kindaichi, Okazaki, Gainor, & Baden, 2005). Personal construct psychology (PCP) emphasizes human choice and the creation of a personal meaning making system. According to Kelly (1955), people‘s behaviors are determined by the way they construe the world around them. People‘s constructions of the world are not fixed but are open systems capable of being modified. Kelly‘s philosophy of constructive alternativism provides the perspective that people are not innocent victims of their environment but active beings who can make alternative meanings and choices. Thus, based on Kelly‘s perspective, acculturation can be seen as the reconstruction of the world as a person integrates his or her new experience into his or her meaning system (McCoy, 1977). PCP provides a framework to understand immigrants‘ experience of changes in the new culture in terms of their meaning making processes. In this study, I focus specifically on Korean immigrants and sojourners since there have been relatively few studies done on Korean immigrants‘ experiences in America. The goal of this study was to understand Korean immigrants and sojourners‘ experience of living in America in three topic areas: relationships, adjustment, and changes. Before describing the study in detail, I will share my personal story that motivated me to explore Korean immigrants‘ experiences of relationships, adjustment, and changes as a result of living in America. Then, I will review the existing theories and studies on immigrants and sojourners experiences in the new country specifically focusing on their interpersonal relationships, adjustment and changes. Following that, I will introduce concepts of PCP that can be useful in understanding experience of immigrants in a foreign country. Finally, I will propose topics
1 relating to PCP concepts that I will explore in this research through interviewing Korean immigrants and sojourners on their experience of migration. The researcher’s story I came to America as an internationa student in 1997 several months after graduating from college in Korea. I have lived in five different states (California, Kansas, Ohio, Michigan, and Tennessee) since I moved to America, and my experiences were different in each state. I think that my experiences in each state differed because I was surrounded by different people and I had continually changed as a result of living in America. It is hard to remember all the changes that I experienced since I arrived because most of the changes happened gradually. The most noticeable change would be the change in my ability to communicate in English and the depth of my understanding about American culture and society. In addition, by experiencing both cultures, I became more open to exploring different ideas, beliefs, values and worldviews and felt less anxious about changes and new experiences. Over the years, I successfully developed some deep and meaningful relationships with both Americans and Koreans, and it greatly helped my adjustment in America. Like most of my participants, I had difficulty finding people with whom I could develop a ROLE relationship. I found that, unlike when I was in Korea, I had less chance to select people with whom I could socialize in America. The Korean community in America is small, and a lot of Koreans socialize through the Korean church community or the international student community. Because I did not belong to any church community, my only option for socializing with Koreans was through the Korean international student community. I formed close relationships with a few Koreans in my master‘s program, but I could not make any meaningful relationships with Koreans in my current school. I also struggled to form close relationships with students in my department in the first year in my program, and it interfered with my adjustment at Miami. Because I was an extraverted and had a strong need for meaningful relationships in any setting, an absence of close relationships bothered me significantly. My inability to form a close relationship with people in my department shook my understanding about myself, my core construct, and I began to wonder if I was even likable. I think that there are many factors that affected my difficulties in developing a close and meaningful relationship with both Koreans and non Koreans in the first year at Miami. I found that language and cultural barriers as well as Americans attitude toward me (or immigrants) were three major factors that affected my relationships with Americans and my adjustment. Until I felt more comfortable speaking in English, I attributed all my difficulties in America to my struggles with English. I remember feeling frustrated with myself because I could not communicate my thoughts and feelings and feeling anxious about speaking in English because of the possibility of saying grammatically incorrect sentences or pronouncing words incorrectly. My struggle with English made me talk less than when I
2 spoke in Korea, and whenever I had difficulty making sense of myself in English, I felt stupid. The discrepancy between my ability to think and talk made my everyday life intolerable, and I hated myself more and more as I encountered myself speaking in clumsy English. For the first couple of years in my graduate school, after a discussion class, I had to come home, eat sweets until I could not eat anymore and slept to forget about the class. I could not stand myself sitting in class, wanting to say something, but could not articulate my thoughts due to my limited English or feeling intimidated by my American classmates. I also found that my anxiety affected my ability to communicate in English. Sometimes I could not think clearly while dealing with anxiety. In addition, when I was anxious, although I composed a perfect sentence in my mind, I left out a word or two when I said the sentence. Interestingly, I felt more comfortable talking with foreigners (which made more sense) or racial minorities (maybe I identify myself as one of them?), and I could speak better English when I was around them. Further, unlike reading, writing, and listening skills, my ability to speak deteriorated when I did not speak in English for several days. My English speaking also is easily affected by my mental status (e.g., fatigue). So, I always feel anxious when I do not speak in English for several days. Over the years, I improved my speaking skills gradually and I also accepted my limitations of speaking in English (my foreign accent and the possibility of saying a grammatically incorrect sentence). These changes made me feel more comfortable engaging in conversation with Americans in various settings. As my English has improved, I encountered another barrier that affected my relationships and adjustment in America. It was the cultural barrier. Culture is not something that a person can learn in a short period of time. There are certain aspects of culture that is more noticeable and tangible (e.g., food, clothes, life style, and social system), which are easily accessible and easy to learn. However, certain aspects of culture takes a longer time to understand and affect people in a more unconscious level (e.g., culturally preferred values, beliefs, worldviews and culturally bounded knowledge) and it interferes with my relationships with Americans. Because we are cultural beings, every single aspect of our experiences are affected and shaped by the culture. In other words, in order to understand the person, we have to understand the cultural atmosphere that the person grew up. When I socialize with Americans, I often find myself not understanding what they were talking about because we did not grow up in the same culture. When I talked with one person and heard something that I could not understand, I could explore more about the subject to enhance my understanding about the cultural knowledge related to the subject matter. But when I was with a group of Americans and when I found that they all understand the topic of the conversation, I did not feel comfortable stopping the flow of the conversation in order to get the cultural background of the topic of the conversation. Sometimes I felt alone and disconnected around a group of Americans because I could not relate to their conversation. It made me prefer to socialize with one American instead of a group of Americans. I still have
3 difficulty understand culturally specific topics when I talk to Americans, but it does not interfere with my relationships with Americans as much as it used to be anymore. The third and the most difficult obstacle to overcome in my relationships with Americans were their attitudes toward immigrants (me). After living in America for more than a decade, I thought that I mastered language and culture to the point that those should not interfere with my relationships with Americans significantly. However, I could not socialize with Americans who hold linguicism (discrimination based on language), have negative attitude toward immigrants or Asian, or are not interested in investing their time and effort to get to know me (who is visibly different from them). Reciprocity is important in relationships. When I was the only one who was interested in developing meaningful relationship with the other, I only could feel frustration and self doubt. Often, when I socialized with Americans, I felt that we did not have equal power in the relationship; I felt that I put more effort in developing and maintaining the relationship, and it made me feel powerless and devalued. I rarely feel that way about the relationship with Koreans. Although I have some close American friends, and I have become more comfortable engaging in relationships with Americans over the years, I still experience more difficulties developing relationships with Americans than Koreans and it still affects my adjustment in America negatively. My personal experiences made me curious about how other Koreans experience their relationships in America and what factors affect their adjustment in this foreign country. Throughout my graduate school education, I had the opportunity to be exposed to personal construct psychology theory, and it helped me to make sense of my experiences. Therefore, in this study, I wanted to explore Korean immigrants‘ experiences in America to understand their struggles and give them voices to express their difficulties. In addition, I wanted to conceptualize their experiences using personal construct psychology to offer one way of understanding Korean immigrants‘ experiences of living in America. Acculturation When immigrants come to a new country, they experience a series of changes as a result of intercultural contact. These changes are called ―acculturation.‖ The term acculturation was proposed by Redfield, Linton, and Herskovits (1936) to describe the phenomenon that occurs when two cultures have continuous first hand contact. Acculturation refers to changes in attitudes, values, and behaviors that result from the continued firsthand contact between two distinct cultures. Acculturation is marked by physical and psychological changes due to the adaptation required in diet, climate, housing, interactional styles, norms, and values of a new society (Berry, 1997; Nwadiora & McAdoo, 1996). Berry (1997, 2003) distinguished between cultural (group level) and psychological level (individual level) acculturation. Group level acculturation happens when two different cultures have continuous first hand contact and changes happen to one or both cultures as a
4 result of the interaction. Psychological level acculturation refers to series of changes in the psychology of the individual occurring when the person is exposed to a new culture. Psychological level acculturation accompanies behavioral and attitudinal changes in the individual, and people may experience acculturative stress while they experience these changes (Berry, 1997; 2003). According to Berry (1997), although people have negative experiences during the short-term acculturation, people will acquire a long term positive adaptation. Berry and Kim (1998) proposed five phases of the acculturation process. The precontact phase is the period in which there is no interaction between the two cultures. In the contact phase, cultural and behavioral exchange happens, and people start to experience some changes. In this phase, people make changes voluntarily from learning a new culture. People from a nondominant culture (culture with less power in the society) feel pressure to change in the conflict phase, and, in the crisis phase, tension and conflict between the new culture and the original culture is intensified. Finally, the adaptation phase occurs when a person decides to pursue one of the acculturation strategies: assimilation, integration, separation, or marginalization (Berry & Kim, 1988). Each immigrant engages in the acculturation process differently. Berry (1997; 2003) classified acculturation strategies into four categories; assimilation, integration, separation, and marginalization. The two major issues that determine different acculturation strategies are degree of maintaining one‘s original culture and cultural identity (―cultural maintenance‖, Berry, 1997, p. 9) and degree of involvement in the new cultural practice and people (―contact and participation‖, Berry, 1997, p. 9). Individuals using an assimilation acculturation strategy seek interaction with people in the new culture and are not interested in maintaining connection to their original culture. Individuals using a separation acculturation strategy hold onto their original culture and minimize learning about the new culture. Individuals utilizing an integration acculturation strategy balance between maintaining their original culture and learning about the new culture. Finally individuals using a marginalization acculturation strategy avoid interacting with both their original culture and the new culture. An individual‘s choice of different acculturation strategies is determined both by individual preference and the host country‘s attitude toward immigrants. For example, even though immigrants may want to choose an integration acculturation strategy, if the host country is not welcoming of cultural diversity, it is difficult for them to orient themselves to both their original and the new cultures (Berry, 1997). Migration and adjustment The literature on immigration regards immigrants‘ adjustment in the new country as a significant indicator of successful immigration (Ben-Sira, 1997). Berry (1991) claimed that an organism adjusts by changes in the direction of harmony between an environment and the organism; Adler (1977) viewed immigrants‘ adjustment in the new country as moving toward
5 self-actualization in Maslow‘s need hierarchy. Intercultural adjustment is a dynamic, fluid, and individualized process, (Yeh et al., 2005). The culture learning approach emphasizes the importance of learning communication skills in the new country and claims that immigrants‘ adjustment in the new country depends on mastering verbal and nonverbal communication skills that are acceptable in the new country. (Ward et al., 2001). The U curve theory by Lysgaard (Ward et al, 2001) and culture shock theory (Adler, 1975) propose that immigrants go through different stages in their process of accomplishing adjustment in the new country. Both the U curve and culture shock theories state that immigrants‘ initial experiences are positive as they are excited about the changes in their life and hopeful about the future. However, as they experience more of the new culture, they recognize more difficulties associated with living in a foreign country. Their adjustment in the new culture comes with deeper understanding of the new culture along with learning new skills necessary to survive in the new environment. Another approach to immigrants‘ adjustment in the new country focuses on the psychological aspects of adjustment (Ward et al., 2001). This approach comes from the premise that migration is a stressful event and the adjustment of immigrants depends on their ability to cope with stress during cross-cultural transition. The numerous studies on stress and mental health issues related to migration try to identify factors that affect the psychological adjustment of immigrants. Studies have found that personality factors (e.g., locus of control and extraversion), social support, coping resources (e.g., acquisition of culture-specific skills), and the existence of racial prejudice and discrimination in the new country affect immigrants‘ stress and coping in cross cultural transitions (Ward et al., 2001) Research outcomes indicate that there is relationship between acculturation strategies and immigrants‘ mental health. Correlational research on native people and immigrants in Canada indicated that assimilation and integration acculturation strategies were positively correlated with adjustment while separation and marginalization acculturation strategies were related to psychological maladjustment and psychosomatic problems (Berry, Kim, Minde, & Mok, 1987). Similarly, Doh (2000) found that international students using a marginalization acculturation strategy experienced more depression than international students using an integration acculturation strategy. Schmitz (1992) also found from his study of East German immigrants to West Germany that an integration acculturation strategy was related to reduced levels of both neuroticism and psychoticism. A separation acculturation strategy was associated with higher level of neuroticism, psychoticism, and anxiety. Lieber, Chin, Nihira, and Mink (2001) explored positive and negative aspects of Chinese immigrants‘ immigration experiences and found that those who pursued a marginalization acculturation strategy experienced feelings of anger, disgust, and alienation. They also expressed a sense of inability to reconcile differences among two cultures. Chinese immigrants using a separation acculturation strategy experienced confusion or difficulty in
6 understanding the US culture, while those using an assimilation acculturation strategy reported that they expected challenges in immigration and were willing to learn the new culture with acceptance of the cultural differences. A bicultural group (integration group) clearly expressed cultural differences as tolerable and some people in this group reported that personal growth was promoted by cultural differences. All of these studies indicate that people choosing integration and assimilation acculturation strategies have better adjustments in the new country. People using either integration or assimilation acculturation strategies become similar to people in the new culture as they are more active in learning the new culture and getting involved with people in the new culture. Naturally, they may experience more changes internally and externally. Factors associated with migration and adjustment. Some studies separated cross cultural adjustment of immigrants into socio-cultural adjustment, psychological adjustment, and socio-economic adjustment (Jasinskaja-Lahti, 2008; Polek, Wohrle, & Oudenhoven, 2010). Socio-cultural adjustment usually is associated with language acquisition, behavioral changes, and attitudes toward one‘s culture of origin and the new culture. Psychological adjustment is related to perceived well-being and absence of psychological problems such as anxiety and depression. Socioeconomic adjustment is determined by job market involvement (Jasinskaja-Lahti, 2008; Polek et al., 2010). Proficiency in the language in the new country is important for achieving socio- cultural adjustment. Yeh et al. (2008) found that low English proficiency is associated with higher intercultural competency concerns. Similarly, Jasinskaja-Lahti (2008) found proficiency in the host language at an early stage of acculturation serves as a major means for acquisition of linguistic and cultural competence in the long run. Problems with communication in the language of the host country made overall adjustment in the new country difficult. For example, language skills affect experiences in academic settings or the labor market as well as interpersonal relationships with people in the new country (Constantine et al., 2005; Jasinskaja-Lahti, 2008; Yeh, & Inose, 2002). Often times, there are discrepancies in values, beliefs, and customs between immigrants‘ culture of origin and the new culture. Immigrants can experience value conflicts because, in the new country, they are exposed to new values that are incompatible with their old values, and it can affect their socio-cultural adjustment in the new country negatively (Yeh & Inose, 2002). For example, Shim and Schwartz (2007) found that stronger adherence to Asian values was associated with cultural adjustment difficulties. Constantine et al. (2005) also found that Asian women experienced value conflicts between their culture of origin and the US culture related to gender role socialization norms. This can contribute to cultural adjustment difficulties because it can be stressful and anxiety provoking to negotiate two distinctively different cultural values. Even if there are no value conflicts between an immigrant‘s culture of origin and the new culture, dealing with unfamiliar customs and
7 values while learning new cultural values and customs can make cultural adjustment difficult (Yeh, & Inose, 2002). Other experiences that contribute to cross-cultural adjustment difficulties include having prejudicial or discriminatory experiences, experience of loneliness, and cultural differences in interactional style (Constantine et al., 2005). In particular, international students or children of immigrants can experience difficulties in academic settings because of the discrepancy in teaching style between their home country and the new country (Yeh & Inose, 2002). There are some factors that are associated with better adjustment in the new country. Some studies found that the gender of immigrants (female), length of residence in the new country, age (younger), and education (receiving more education) predict better socio-cultural adjustment (Jasinskaja-Lahti, 2008; Shim, & Schwartz, 2007). Also, there is evidence that receiving an education in the new country enhances cultural adjustment because education provides immigrants a chance to be exposed to the new cultural values and worldviews and affects their perception and cognition (Shim, & Schwartz, 2007). Maintaining good connection with friends and family in the immigrants‘ country of origin also helps their adjustment because they can validate immigrants‘ sense of self and ways of being. (Constantine et al., 2005). Immigrants‘ psychological adjustment is affected by acculturation, social connectedness (Yoon, Lee, & Goh, 2008), attachment style (Polek et al., 2010), experience of acculturative stress (i.e., experience of discrimination, strains in the linguistic and intercultural-relations domains, feeling of cultural isolation) (Crockett et al., 2008). In addition, bicultural identity integration (Chen, Benet-Martı´nez, & Bond, 2008; Phinney, 2003), identification with the host culture, contextual and performance related factors (Chen et al., 2008), and language proficiency (Chen et al., 2008; Jasinskaja-Lahti, 2008; Yeh, & Inose, 2002) affect psychological adjustment of immigrants. Acculturation, social connectedness, and secure attachment have been positively related to immigrants‘ psychological adjustment and well-being. Acculturative stress and fearful and preoccupied attachment are negatively related to immigrants‘ psychological adjustment. If a person is strongly identified with both his or her ethnic group and the larger society, the person is considered to have a bicultural identity (Phinney, 2003). Bicultural identity integration and identification with the host culture is associated with better psychological adjustment for long term immigrants whereas contextual and performance related factors (i.e., job condition, salary, and housing) play important roles for psychological well being of temporary immigrants. Language proficiency is important for temporary immigrants‘ psychological adjustment and avoiding psychological maladjustment in the long run. Communication difficulties can affect mental health significantly because learning a new language is a great source for stress.
8 Immigration is a stressful experience and immigrants encounter many difficulties as a result of living in a foreign country. Immigrants use various coping strategies to cope with stress and adjustment problems. Studies on Asian immigrants found that they mostly utilize a social support network by seeking help, support, or advice from friends and family to cope with adjustment issues. Because some Asian immigrants want to be self-sufficient and independent, they keep problems to themselves or try to solve problems without getting help from others. Occasionally, Asian immigrants seek help from professional counselors, but it is not their preferred method to deal with adjustment problems (Constantine et al., 2005; Yeh, & Inose, 2002; Yeh et al, 2005). Migration and interpersonal relationships Immigrants leave their social support in their home country when they move to a new country. Developing relationships with people in the new country is one of the important tasks facing immigrantsv. Immigrants have to choose between socializing with people from their home country, people in the new country, or both, and different factors affect their choice of relationships. Yeh et al. (2005) found that Korean immigrant youth feel more comfortable and close with Asian and Korean friends. The findings from studies indicate positive aspects of immigrants‘ socializing with people who share the same race or ethnicity. For example, Chinese immigrants who are more open to socialize with other Asian Americans expressed significantly fewer intercultural competency concerns. Interacting with other Asians who have lived in America longer may foster feelings of comfort and cultural acceptance for more recent Asian immigrants (Yeh et al., 2008). Another study found that when immigrants are connected to their ethnic community, they experienced an increase in subjective well-being (Yoon et al., 2008). Ethnic identity is associated with social interaction. First and second generation immigrants who prefer to interact with the same ethnic group are more likely to identify themselves with their ethnic group. But, first and second generation immigrants with an American identity would socialize with people who do not belong to their own ethnic group. (Phinny, Romero, Nava, & Huang, 2001). Interacting and developing close relationships with people in the new country is necessary for developing an American identity, and acquiring a US national identity is one of the factors that make immigrants feel connected to and accepted in mainstream society (Yoon et al., 2008). Studies indicate that close contact with people in the new country can facilitate immigrants‘ adjustment because immigrants can develop a deeper understanding of the new culture through socializing with people in the new country (Amarasingham, 1980; Ying and Leise, 1994). However, immigrants can feel disconnected and alienated from people in the new country for various reasons. Study results on immigrant women from the former Soviet Union indicate that cultural identity and language proficiency are associated with immigrant women‘s experience of social alienation. Russian women who identified with American
9 culture more and spoke more fluent English tended to be less alienated. Especially for Russian women residing in a higher immigration concentration area, English language proficiency is an important factor in reducing alienation. Russian women residing in lower immigration concentration areas and engaging in behaviors associated with Russian life style were likely to be alienated (Miller et al., 2009). Another study on international students suggests that the language barrier and cultural differences are two main factors that interfere with international students developing relationships with Americans (Lam, 1997). When people move to a foreign country, they can be discriminated against because they are different from people (e.g., appearance, accent, etc.) in the new country (Yeh et al., 2005). Studies on immigrants‘ experience of discrimination indicate the harmful effects of experiencing discrimination (Slonim-Nevo, Mirsky, Rubinstein, & Nauck, 2009; Yeh et al., 2005). For example, the experience of discrimination results in unpleasant emotions (e.g., anger, depression), low self-esteem, and self-devaluation. When people are discriminated against in the new country, they feel rejected and unwanted and it can slow their cross- cultural adjustment. The findings from the study of Polek et al. (2010) on Germans and Eastern Europeans in the Netherlands indicate that cultural distance between immigrants‘ country of origin and the new country affects immigrants‘ experience of perceived discrimination: Immigrants perceived less discrimination in the new country when two cultures are culturally close and the people in the host culture are familiar with the immigrants‘ culture. The experience of discrimination in the new country can make immigrants identify with their ethnic group stronger (Felix-Ortiz, 1994). For immigrants who migrated to America as a family, family relationships have an impact on their long term adjustment (Slonim-Nevo et al., 2009). The findings of Crockett et al. (2007) indicate that immigrant students who receive a high level of parental support experience fewer symptoms when they experience acculturative stress, and higher levels of acculturative stress was reported by students who reported low level of parent support. This indicates the importance of having a supportive family for immigrants. Changes as a result of living in a foreign country The literature on immigrants‘ adjustment and acculturation indicate some degree of change is necessary for cross-cultural adjustment (Berry & Kim, 1998; Ward et al., 2001). In order to achieve cross-cultural adjustment, immigrants have to learn behavioral and cultural norms of the new culture (Taylor, 1994). Through learning new cultural norms and practices to fit in the new environment, immigrants make changes in their behavior (Ying & Liese, 1994). The longer immigrants have lived in a new country the more similar they become to the people in the new country. In addition, having a chance to closely associate with people in the host culture can facilitate changes for immigrants (Amarasingham, 1980). Cuellar, Arnold, and Gonzalez (1995) found that Hispanics who are more acculturated reported that important Hispanic cultural constructs were less emotionally significant than did
10 those who were less acculturated. Domino and Acosta (1987) also found that more acculturated Mexicans shared values similar to American than less acculturated Mexicans. Similarly, Feldman, Mont-Reynaud, and Rosenthal (1992) found that Chinese youth in the US and Australia put less emphasis on traditional values such as the importance of rites and rituals, noncompetitiveness, cultural superiority, and tradition and more value on outward success such as social recognition than Chinese youth in Hong Kong. Marin and Gamba (2003) reviewed the literature on the relationship between acculturation and changes in cultural values and found that immigrants experience changes in behavioral familialism (behaviors associated with family relationships such as visiting patterns), gender roles (adopting a gender egalitarian attitude in the West), and achievement orientation (Asian immigrants with bicultural identity tend to endorse more individual oriented achievement than Asian immigrants who identify with Asian culture). All of these studies indicate that immigrants adopt the new country‘s values as they are exposed to them while abandoning their own cultural values. However, adopting new cultural values is not always easy. Shim and Schwartz (2007) found that behavioral acculturation (changes in behavior to fit into new country‘s behavioral norm) is relatively easy to achieve compared to the value aspects of acculturation. Some Western values are incompatible with Asian cultural values. For example, Asian cultures emphasize the importance of patience, harmony, respect, and deference, whereas Western cultures put more value on personal rights and assertiveness. While Asian cultures tend to stress the importance of team work and collectivism, Western cultures place value on individualism. Therefore, Asian immigrants or international students are more likely to struggle to maintain a balance between their cultural values and learning Western values as attempting to incorporate Western values into Asian cultural values can create internal conflict. (Lin & Yi, 1997; Shim & Schwartz, 2007). In addition to becoming similar to people in the host country in terms of values, immigrants may adopt the host culture‘s ways of expressing emotion. Leim, Lim, & Leim (2000) found that most assimilated Asian Americans exhibit more ego-focused qualities in their emotional life than other Asian Americans. Further, there was a similarity between Asian Americans who were assimilating to Anglo American culture and Anglo Americans. Different cultures can promote different interpersonal relationship styles. For example, from the study of international students‘ experiences with relationships in America, Doh (2001) found that Asian international students experienced some behavioral changes when they were with a stranger and a teacher in America compared to those in their country of origin. For example, Asian international students felt more comfortable talking with strangers in America than in their country, and they could interact with their American teachers more casually compared to teachers in their country. Their changes of behaviors in relationships were related to their understanding about acceptable behaviors in America. In addition, most
11 of their experiences of relationship changes in America were related to the language barrier and learning culturally appropriate relationship repertoire. Migrating to a new culture where they find themselves an ethnic minority can affect the way immigrants identify and perceive themselves. Immigrants are identified by their country of origin on arrival (e.g., Japanese), and most of first generation immigrants do not abandon this identity during their lifetime. As immigrants stay in the new country for a prolonged period of time, some of them begin to identify as members of both their country of origin and the new country. Some studies have found that there may be a decline in the strength of ethnic identity as immigrants live in the host country over generations (Phinney, 2003). Migration and personal construct psychology As the review of the literature on immigration indicates, migrating to a new country provides many challenges to immigrants. They have to learn a new language, social system, and culture for their survival in the new country, and, while trying to adjust in the new county, they are likely to encounter situations and experiences that are incongruent with their existing way of experiencing the world. Kelly (1955) claims that new experiences always invite people to revise and to reconstrue the meanings they use to structure their world. Moreover, when people experience foreign situations that are entirely incompatible with their existing constructs, they experience major changes in their construct system. Acculturation can require major changes in immigrants‘ existing constructs to adjust in the new cultural environment because they have to socialize with people who are different from people in their country and have to deal with new cultural practice, customs, values, and life style. In this section, I will review several personal construct psychology concepts that can be useful in understanding the experience of immigrants. Specifically, I will focus on concepts that can enhance our understanding of immigrants‘ experience of interpersonal relationships, adjustment and changes in the new culture. Sociality corollary and a ROLE relationship The sociality corollary describes a person‘s ability to relate to other people. The sociality corollary states, ―to the extent that one person construes the construction processes of another, he [or she] may play a role in a social process involving the other person‖ (Kelly, 1955, p. 95). In order to understand another‘s construction process, the person has to accept and respect the other person‘s way of perceiving reality. A ROLE relationship, which refers to ―relationships based on an attempt to construe the other‘s process of creating meaning‖ (Epting, Prichard, Leitner, & Dunnett, 1996) is an essential component of the sociality corollary. A ROLE relationship involves two people who open up their most vital ways of experiencing the world to one another. Two people in a ROLE relationship try to understand and act on the understanding of the other person‘s core construing process. Developing a
12 ROLE relationship always involves the potential invalidation or validation of the core of our existence. Therefore, it is risky, and the person should exercise some caution about initiating a ROLE relationship (Leitner, 1985; Leitner & Faidley, 1995). Kelly‘s (1955) individuality corollary suggests that there are individual differences between people in their constructions of experiences. This implies that two people who are fundamentally different from one another may not be able to validate the other‘s core constructs. It is important to be able to discriminate between people who are more or less likely to invalidate one‘s most vital meanings (Leitner & Pfenninger, 1994). Immigrants leave friends and family behind when they move to a new culture. When they need support from people who understand their way of construing the world, the people who understand them are far away. One of the tasks that immigrants face in the new country is to develop ROLE relationships with people in the new environment. Although the principle of ROLE relationships may be the same across cultures, cultural differences in addition to language differences can create difficulties in understanding the construing process of people in the new country (Doh, 2006). As mentioned earlier, developing a ROLE relationship always is risky because a person discloses core constructs that can be invalidated by the other person (Leitner, 1985; Leitner & Faidley, 1995) .Thus, attempts to develop ROLE relationships with people who do not share cultures can be riskier as there is a greater likelihood of invalidation due to differences in worldviews, values, and beliefs between two people. However, the experience of ROLE relationship in the new culture may help immigrants adjust better in the new country. ` Language can limit cross cultural relationships. Doh and Leitner (2003) proposed several ways that language can interfere with immigrants developing a ROLE relationship with people in the new country. First, it is more challenging and risky to develop a ROLE relationship with people in the new country than with people in the country of origin because the language barrier creates more room for misunderstanding in relationships. Therefore, there is a greater chance that both participants will experience invalidation. Immigrants are already insecure due to exposure to a new cultural environment that challenges their constructs. Moreover, when they sense potential invalidation from their interaction with people in the new country due to their limited ability to speak in a new language, it can be threatening to them. They may lose the motivation to connect to people in the new culture and choose to withdraw from social interaction to maintain the integrity of their construct systems. This kind of reaction can limit immigrants‘ opportunity to develop a ROLE relationship in the new country. Another possibility is that immigrants can have a strong desire and motivation to learn a new culture and to connect to people. By focusing on assimilating to the new culture quickly, immigrants can experience a disconnection from their original culture and language. Later, immigrants may achieve proper language skills and understanding about the new
13 culture but realize they lost the connection to their own culture as they were assimilating to the new culture too quickly. This can bring anger and resentment toward the new culture that pressured the immigrants to assimilate. The anger and resentment toward the new culture can interfere with immigrants developing a ROLE relationship with people in the new culture. Immigrants may change their construction of themselves in the process of learning a new language. They could speak in a sophisticated manner in their native language, but their ability to speak in a foreign language may be limited. They can experience social inadequacy because of the gap between what they think and what they can speak, and people in the new country may treat them differently because of their struggle with language. Consequently, they can develop negative constructions of self, which can interfere with immigrants initiating social interaction. Lastly, the attitude of people in the new culture can contribute to immigrants‘ difficulties with developing a ROLE relationship. People in the new country may already feel anxious about encountering foreign values, beliefs, and worldviews. In addition, when they recognize the language barrier that can interfere with sharing of meaning making process, they prefer not to invest themselves in the relationship with immigrants. Validation and invalidation A person‘s construction of the world always is subject to validation and invalidation. Kelly (1955) defined validation as ―the compatibility (subjectively construed) between one‘s prediction and the outcome he [or she] observes‖ (p.158), and invalidation as ―incompatibility (subjectively construed) between one‘s prediction and the outcome he [or she] observes‖ (p.158). Thus, when a person‘s experience confirms his or her construction of the world, we can say that the person‘s construct is validated; if a person‘s prediction is not consistent with the world, the person‘s construct is invalidated. The experience of validation and invalidation affects our construct system. When a person‘s construct system is repeatedly invalidated, the person will question the usefulness of the construct system and feel pressure to revise his or her construct system. However, the person will continue to use a construct system confidently that is validated over time (Kelly, 1955). When a person migrates from one culture to a culture that operates by different values, beliefs, and norms, the person‘s prediction of events may not work as well as it did in the original culture. People in the new culture may respond to the person‘s behaviors and thoughts differently than people in the original culture. What used to be acceptable to say or do may not be acceptable in the new culture. Even worse, people in the new culture may have difficulty understanding the person due to language problems and vice versa. The migrated person may have difficulty making sense of experiences because the person‘s experiences are not consistent with the person‘s construct systems. Therefore, the person may experience invalidation more frequently than in the original culture. Initial transition from one‘s own culture to the new culture can be confusing and even frustrating since the person is more likely to experience difficulties understanding experiences using existing construct system.
14 The experience of validation and invalidation is associated with different emotional experiences. People experience anxiety when their experiences invalidate their construction of the world. When people feel pressured to change their core constructs due to invalidation, they experience fear and threat. Fear is related to need for some modification of core constructs and threat is associated with pressure to make major changes in core constructs (Leitner, 1985). Experiences of anxiety, fear, and threat are common for immigrants as they recognize the inadequacy of their construct systems through experiencing differences between their own culture and the new culture (McCoy, 1980) People become hostile when the pressure for change in their core constructs is too threatening. When people become hostile, they try to change their environment instead of changing their construct systems. It can be viewed as their effort to preserve construct systems that are invalidated (Leitner, 1985). Hostility is a predominant emotion for immigrants who experience too much pressure to change their construct systems and feel that the change is too threatening. Hostile individuals can limit their interaction with people in the new culture or move back to their country to preserve their core construct systems (McCoy, 1980). Guilt is the emotion that people experience when they are aware of acting against their core constructs (Leitner, 1985). Immigrants can experience guilt feelings as they realize that they are acting against central values from their original culture (Doh & Leitner, 2003). Immigrants may seek interaction from people from their own culture more frequently in the beginning of their migration phase because they need to experience validation. While this can comfort immigrants, they also have to pay a price. Walker (2003) argued that travelers try to find things that validate their constructs. Traveling with a friend or partner can be safe in a way as the traveler always can have someone who can validate ways of construing. A friend or partner also can share experiences of confusion and problems that the traveler may encounter as a result of experiencing a new culture. However, having someone who can protect the traveler from experiencing invalidation has disadvantages. Traveling can be an opportunity to challenge and examine a person‘s construing that can be impossible at home (Walker, 2003). The experience of immigrants and travelers can be similar. Therefore, retreating to people who share similar constructs for the comfort of validation can interfere with the immigrants having chances to explore different ways of construing reality and therefore create new meanings. The experience of invalidation, no matter how painful and difficult it may be, is an unavoidable consequence of leaving a familiar circumstance. In addition, being exposed to a foreign situation all alone can motivate immigrants to make necessary changes that can facilitate extension of their construct system. Commonality corollary Culture is one of the factors influencing a person‘s ways of construing one‘s reality. Cultural influences on a person‘s way of construing reality can be understood using Kelly‘s commonality corollary. The commonality corollary states ―to the extent that one person
15 employs a construction of experience which is similar to that employed by another, his [or her] psychological processes are similar to those of the other person‖ (Kelly, 1955, p.90). Similarities among groups of people can be attributed to cultural factors, similarities in their environment, and the group‘s expectations of each other. People from the same culture share similar expectations of behaviors and similar attitudes, which is another way of saying that they have similar constructions of the world. On the other hand, similarities among people in the same culture can be understood as people‘s tendency to follow what they anticipate others expect them to do (Kelly, 1955). Kelly (1955) claims that people belong to the same cultural group because their construction of experience is the same. Thus, when people step out of their own culture and walk into a new culture, they are less likely experience similarities between their way of construing the world and others‘ way of construing the world. Immigrants may not feel they belong to the new culture because they do not share similar constructions of the same experience with people in the new culture. As they are exposed to new ways of construing reality through experiencing the new culture, they may develop new meaning systems that are similar to people in the new culture. Sharing similar meaning making with people in the new culture can facilitate their sense of belongingness, which may contribute to their adjustment in the new country. Reconstruction of meaning system Kelly viewed people as ―incipient scientists‖ (p.12) and proposed that people devise their own constructs to determine how they see the world around them. Constructs are used to predict the course of events and always are subject to revision or replacement when the world around the person disproves the effectiveness of the constructs. Kelly (1955) stated the assumption ―that all of our present interpretations of the universe are subject to revision or replacement‖ (p. 15). Therefore, individuals always can form alternative constructions to interpret and understand experiences (Kelly, 1955). Kelly‘s concept of constructive alternativism is useful for understanding the acculturation and adjustment process of immigrants. When immigrants migrate to a new country, they already have ways of construing their experiences and reality that were useful in their own culture. However, it is not guaranteed that constructs that were useful in one‘s country will be helpful in the new cultural context. Thus, migration experiences provide immigrants an opportunity to examine their existing constructs and to explore new possibilities to understand their foreign cultural environment. In order to make a sense out of their new experience, they conduct experiments to test new hypotheses and take into account of the outcomes to revise their construct system (Walker, 2003). Often immigrants need to develop alternative ways of understanding their experiences resulting in some modification or revision of existing construct system. Kelly (1955) claimed that the use of fresh experiences is one of the conditions for changes in construing. Therefore, the experience of a new cultural environment and
16 interaction with people who have different perspectives can foster changes. Doh (2003) conceptualized acculturation as a process in which people experience constant challenges and invalidations of their existing construct systems and identities. However, this process also provides people with opportunities to expand their construct systems by exploring new ways of understanding the world and examining existing construct systems. Immigrants can experience personal growth through reconstruing and expanding their construct systems in the process of acculturation. Immigrants‘ ability to construe alternative ways of understanding their reality can facilitate their adjustment in the new country. There are certain factors associated with people‘s ability to reconstrue the events they confront. One important factor that affects immigrants‘ ability to develop alternative ways of construing their reality is personal flexibility. A flexible person is open to reconstruing experiences and other people in relationship, and is able to understand his or her experiences in many different ways (Leitner & Pfenninger, 1994). Personal flexibility is strongly related to a person‘s ability to develop alternative constructs in a new situation and it is a necessary element for personal growth through exploring new and different ways of understanding one‘s reality. Permeability is another factor in developing alternative constructions. Bannister& Fransella (1982) stated ―the construct permeable-impermeable refers to the degree to which a construct can assimilate new elements within its range of convenience and generate new implications‖ (p.26). Immigrants with permeable constructs may not have as much difficulty making sense out of new experiences and may have less need to modify their constructs upon contact with the new culture. Therefore, having permeable constructs can be helpful in immigrants‘ adjustment to the new culture. However, extremely permeable constructs are as problematic as impermeable constructs. Persons with extremely permeable constructs may never experience situations that invalidate their existing constructs. They will not be as influenced by new experiences because they will find ways in which their old constructs can explain the new experiences. Since extremely permeable constructs can be used to explain any experiences and situations, people with extremely permeable constructs may not get the chance to make changes in their constructs. Excessive permeability can limit their opportunities to develop a new meaning system that can work better in a new environment. Moreover, if their extremely permeable constructs are maladaptive, their adjustment can be at risk. In order to achieve optimal adjustment in the new cultural environment, immigrants need to have optimally permeable constructs that will help them to selectively incorporate new information and experiences into the existing constructs without major changes, yet that will still open to be revised and modified. The fragmentation corollary offers an understanding about ways in which immigrants deal with incompatible values and beliefs between their country of origin and the new culture.
17 The fragmentation corollary states ―a person may successively employ a variety of construction subsystems which are inferentially incompatible with each other‖ (Kelly, 1955, p.83). A person‘s construct system does not necessarily have to be logically related, and the ways a person thinks and behaves may not be consistent from yesterday to today (Bannister & Fransella, 1982; Kelly, 1955). Because incompatibilities and contradictions in a person‘s life can be a source of creativity (Epting, 1984), the fragmentation corollary provides room for a person to develop a completely new construct from existing constructs. For example, a person from a collectivistic culture may adopt the concept of individualism in the person‘s construct system and understand the positives and negatives of both collectivism and individualism. Although the person may not be collectivistic and individualistic at the same time, the person may employ different constructs depending on the situation; the person from a collectivistic culture may employ a more collectivist construing processes when interacting in one‘s home culture or with others from the home culture. However, the person also can employ more individualistic constructs when interacting in an American cultural context. In addition, since the person has a deeper understanding of two different constructs, the person may be able to take two different perspectives in making a sense out of one‘s experiences. Topics for exploration 1. Immigrants’ experience of interpersonal relationships I wanted to identify factors that facilitate and constrain Korean immigrants‘ relationships in America. In addition, I wanted to explore possibilities for Korean immigrants developing a ROLE relationship in America. 2. Language and immigration I was interested in how language affected Korean immigrants‘ experiences in America. In particular, I wanted to explore how their struggles with English influence their relationships and adjustment in America. 3. Factors affecting immigrants’ adjustment I wanted to identify factors that hinder and facilitate Korean immigrants‘ adjustment in America. In addition, I wanted to explore how experience of validation and invalidation, and existence of a ROLE relationship influenced their adjustment in America. 4. Immigration and changes. I was interested in the kind of changes that Korean immigrants experience as a result of immigration. I also wanted to explore in what ways their experience of changes affected changes in their construct systems. Finally, I wanted to see if participants‘ experience of changes contributed their personal growth. Method Participants Five Korean immigrants, two male and three female, participated in the study. Participants‘ age ranged from 32 to 38 and their period of staying in America ranged from 33
18 months to six years. Three participants were married. Three participants were students, one participant was a housewife, and one participant was a waitress. Participants were recruited in the Korean community in Columbus, Ohio through personal connections. I explained the study to Koreans whom I knew personally and asked them if they would be interested in participating in this study. Participants were given the choice of withdrawing from the study, and signed an informed consent form (see Appendix A). Materials Interview questions. I interviewed four participants twice and one participant three times. The interviews were semi-structured, and, in the interviews, I was looking for answers to the following questions: Tell me about your experiences in America. Compare Korean culture and American culture. What kind of changes have you experienced since you came to America? - Explore personal meanings attached to changes that they have experienced. Tell me about your relationships with people in America (American, other foreigners, and people from your country). What affected your adjustment in America? In addition, I utilized supplementary questions (see Appendix B) when it was necessary. Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS). I had participants complete the AAMAS (Chung, Kim, & Abreu, 2004) in order to assess their level of acculturation with a quantitative measure. The AAMAS was developed to assess acculturation of Asian American population along three different cultural dimensions: culture of origin (AAMAS-CO), Asian American culture (AAMAS-AA), and European American culture (AAMAS-EA). In this study, I only assessed participants‘ acculturation to culture of origin and European American culture since I only was interested in measuring the degree of their acculturation to American culture and the degree of cultural maintenance to their own culture. The AAMAS has four acculturation domain subscales: language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity, and each subscale consist of four, two, three, and six questions respectively. Coefficient alphas for AAMAS-CO and AAMAS-EA ranged from .87 to .91 and .76 to .81 respectively (see Appendix C). Procedure At the beginning of the meeting, I described the project and the participants signed the informed consent form. We then engaged in the semi-structured interview. The first interview lasted for approximately one hour, and I conducted at least one follow up interview with all participants. Follow up interviews also lasted for approximately one hour. Because participants were more fluent and comfortable speaking in Korean than in English, the interviews were conducted in Korean. Upon completion of the interviews, I had my
19 participants complete demographic information (see Appendix D), and the AAMAS.
Data analysis In order to capture the lived experience and meaning making process of the participants, I used a phenomenological approach for the data analysis. Phenomenology is ―the discipline that tries to discover and account for the presence of meaning in the stream of consciousness‖ (Giorgi, 1985, p.6) and ―the discipline that tries to sort out and systematize meanings‖ (Giorgi, 1985, p.6). I used a modification of the method endorsed by Giorgi (1985) and Wertz (1985). Giorgi‘s (1985) method consists of four parts. (1) One reads the entire description in order to get a general sense of the whole statement. (2) Once the sense of the whole has been grasped, the researcher goes back to the beginning and reads through the text once more with the specific aim of discriminating ―meaning units‖ from within a psychological perspective and with a focus on the phenomenon being researched. (3) Once ―meaning units‖ have been delineated, the researcher then goes through all of the meaning units and expresses the psychological insight contained in them more directly. (4) Finally, the researcher synthesizes all of the transformed meaning units into a consistent statement regarding the subject‘s experience. (p.10) Wertz‘s (1985) method is based on Giorgi‘s method, but he provided more detailed guidelines for each steps. For example, Wertz (1985) provided guidelines for describing the relevant story from the raw data, which corresponds to the second part of the Giorgi‘s method. 1. The researcher familiarizes herself with the participants‘ experience through reading the interview without holding a special attitude. 2. The researcher distinguishes different meaning units in the interview raw data. 3. The researcher determines relevance of each unit for the research topic. 4. The researcher reintegrates the relevant units based on their intertwining meaning and states them in chronological manner. 5. The researcher discards redundant information and redescribes the participants‘ experience using the first person perspectives. In this study, I took four steps to understand and conceptualize my participants‘ experiences. First, I transcribed the interviews and translated them into English (see Appendix E). Second, I read the English translated interviews carefully and demarcated the interviews into different meaning units. I then assigned each meaning unit to three different topic areas that are relevant to the ―topics of exploration‖; (1) relationships, (2) adjustment, and (3) changes (growth). Meaning units that did not fit into the three topic areas were assigned an ―other‖ category. Some meaning units were assigned to more than one topic area. Using Wertz‘s (1985) guideline, I composed three stories for each participant based on the topic areas (see Appendix F). Third, I explored common themes from the stories of each topic
20 areas by comparing the five participants‘ stories. Fourth, I applied relevant PCP concepts to the common themes under the topic areas to conceptualize and understand each participant‘s experiences utilizing psychological concepts. Application of the PCP concepts to common themes enabled me to conceptualize migration experience based on constructivist perspective. Results After I completed the interviews, I transcribed the interviews and translated them into English (see Appendix E). Based on the interview transcripts, I constructed three stories for each participant (see Appendix F). Topics for the three stories were relationships, adjustment, and changes. I used the stories to identify common experiences among participants in the three topic areas. In the results section, I first will present demographic information and the AAMAS scores for each participant. Next, I will present factors that facilitated and constrained participants relationships with Koreans and non Koreans and factors facilitated and hindered participants‘ adjustment in America. Lastly, I identified changes that participants experienced as a result of living in America. I offered examples from the interviews to enhance readers‘ understanding about participants‘ experiences in each topic areas. I also briefly mentioned relevant Personal Construct Psychology concepts for participants‘ experiences in the topic areas. I discussed PCP implication for participants‘ immigration experiences more in depth in the discussion. Participants Jun. Jun is a thirty eight year old married man who came to America to pursue further education and is working on his Ph.D. degree. He was in America about ten years ago for several months, and, this time, he had been in America for three and half years at the time of the first interview. His Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS) score for Culture of origin (CO) is 5.9, and AAMAS score for European American culture (EA) is 4.2. The subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for CO is 6, 6, 6, and 5.7 respectively, and the subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for EA is 5, 5.5, 3.7, and 3.4 respectively. Higher scores (maximum 6) mean higher degree of identification to the target culture and lower scores mean lower degree of identification to the target culture. His AAMAS scores indicate that he identifies with Korean culture more than with American culture. According to AAMAS norms, he ―very well‖ identifies with Korean culture and ―somewhat‖ identifies with American culture. Based on his AAMAS score, I speculate his acculturation strategy as close to integration. Immigrants using an integration acculturation strategy maintain connection to their culture of origin while try to learn a new culture through being involved with people in the new culture. The domain that he is the most acculturated into American culture is food and the least acculturated is cultural identity. Mirae. Mirae is a thirty five year old married woman who came to America because
21 her husband decided to pursue further education in America. She had been in America for three and half years at the time of the first interview. She was attending ESL classes and socializing with Korean and international friends in America. She went back to Korea several months after the second interview was conducted, and the third interview was done after she went back to Korea. Her Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS) score for Culture of origin (CO) is 4.9, and AAMAS score for European American culture (EA) is 3.6. The subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for CO is 5.5, 5.5, 5, and 4.2 respectively, and the subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for EA is 4, 5, 3.3, and 3 respectively. Her AAMAS scores indicate that she identifies with Korean culture more than with American culture. According to AAMAS norms, she ―somewhat‖ identifies with both Korean culture and American culture. Based on her AAMAS score, I speculate her acculturation strategy as close to separation. Immigrants using a separation acculturation strategy minimize their contact with people in the new culture and prefer to socialize with people from their culture of origin. The domain that she is the most acculturated into American culture is food and the least acculturated is cultural identity. Minho. Minho is a thirty six year old single man who came to America to pursue further education and is working on a Ph.D. degree. He had been in America for six years at the time of the first interview. He worked in Korea for one year after receiving his master‘s degree. His Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS) score for Culture of origin (CO) is 5.7, and AAMAS score for European American culture (EA) is 2.5. The subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for CO is 6, 5.5, 4.7, and 6 respectively, and the subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for EA is 3.3, 2, 2, and 2.3 respectively. His AAMAS scores indicate that he identifies with Korean culture more than with American culture. According to AAMAS norms, he ―very well‖ identifies with Korean culture and ―not very well‖ identifies with American culture. Based on his AAMAS score, I speculate his acculturation strategy as separation because he strongly identifies with Korean culture and his identification with American culture is fairly weak. His AAMAS-EA score indicates that he experienced the least acculturation to American culture among five participants. The domain that he is the most acculturated into American culture is language and the least acculturated is food and cultural knowledge. Yuri. Yuri is a thirty two year old single woman who came to America to pursue further education and is currently working on her Ph.D. degree. She was in America several years ago for fifteen months to work on her master‘s degree. After receiving her master‘s degree, she went back to Korea. She stayed in Korean for one and half years and came back
22 to America about two years ago to work on her Ph.D. degree. She had been in America for about thirty three months altogether at the time of the first interview. Her Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS) score for Culture of origin (CO) is 5.3, and AAMAS score for European American culture (EA) is 4.3. The subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for CO is 5.5, 6, 5.7, and 4.8 respectively, and the subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for EA is 4.5, 4.5, 4.3, and 4 respectively. Her AAMAS scores indicate that she identifies with Korean culture more than with American culture. According to AAMAS norms, she ―very well‖ identifies with Korean culture and ―somewhat‖ identifies with American culture. Her AAMAS-EA score indicates that she experienced the most acculturation to American culture among five participants. Based on her AAMAS score, I speculate her acculturation strategy as close to integration, which means that she makes a balance between her connection to her culture of origin and American culture through socializing with both Koreans and Americans. The domain that she is the most acculturated into American culture is language and food and the least acculturated is cultural identity. Sohee. Sohee is a thirty three year old married woman who came to America because she was married to an American. She met her husband in Korea while her husband was working in Korea. She had been in America for four years at the time of the first interview. She was working at a restaurant as a waitress when the first interview was conducted. Later, when the third interview was conducted, she was attending a beauty academy. Her Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS) score for Culture of origin (CO) is 4.3, and AAMAS score for European American culture (EA) is 3.1. The subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for CO is 5.5, 5, 2.7, and 4 respectively, and the subscale score for language, food consumption, cultural knowledge, and cultural identity for EA is 3.5, 2.5, 3, and 3.2 respectively. Her Korean cultural identity subscale score was lower than American cultural identity subscale scores possibly because she has not practiced Korean traditions and has not celebrated Korean holidays as a result of marrying an American. Instead, she has been learning American traditions and celebrating American holidays since she moved to America. According to AAMAS norms, she ―somewhat‖ identifies with both Korean culture and American culture although AAMAS scores indicate that she identifies with Korean culture more than with American culture. Her AAMAS score indicates that she identifies with Korean culture the least among the five participants, as seen in her lower cultural identity subscale score. Based on her AAMAS score, I speculate her acculturation strategy as close to separation which means that she keeps distance from Americans and American culture while maintain connection with Koreans and culture. The domain that she is the most acculturated into American culture is language and the least acculturated is food.
23 Relationships in America Participants had different experiences in developing relationships with Koreans and people other than Koreans in America. In this section, I will compare the five participants‘ experiences of their relationships with Koreans and people other than Koreans in order to understand the common experiences and identify factors that facilitate or constrain their relationships with each population. 1. Relationships with Koreans in America. Overall experiences of the relationships. Jun and Yuri reported negative experiences, Minho and Sohee reported positive experiences, and Mirae reported having both positive and negative experiences in their relationships with Koreans in America. Negative experiences included the absence of close friends in the Korean community, difficulty finding Koreans who were willing to offer help, and lacking a chance to socialize with Koreans in various settings. These negative relationship experiences seem to be related to the discrepancy between their expectations about relationships and their actual relationships with Koreans. Positive experiences with Koreans in America included developing meaningful and family like relationships and having a chance to get to know Koreans who are different from the Koreans the participant usually associated with in Korea. For example, Mirae stated that, in America, due to her unique situation as a wife of an international student, she had the chance to socialize with Koreans who were from different backgrounds (mostly wives of Korean international students). Initially, it was difficult for her to develop relationships with Koreans who were different from her, but she learned to socialize with them despite their differences. Mirae probably struggled to relate to people who were different from her because she did not have a good way of make sense of them. However, through experiencing them, she was able to develop constructs that helped her understand them in relationship and her new constructs enabled her to develop relationships with people who she perceived to be different from her. Differences in overall relationships with Koreans. In addition to reporting positive and negative experiences in their relationships with Koreans in America, three participants reported some notable differences in their relationships with Koreans in America compared to those in Korea. For example, Mirae, who reported both positive and negative experiences with Koreans in America, reported four differences between her relationships with Koreans in Korea and in America. She experienced her relationships with Koreans in America as intentional whereas her relationships in Korea were more natural. She believed that she has to put more effort to socialize with people in America because she did not grow up with them and get close to them naturally. Most of her friends in Korea are her childhood friends and she did not have to put any effort into getting to know strangers. She also perceived that her friends in Korea were similar to her whereas Koreans with whom she socializes in America
24 are different from her. The following quote illustrates her way of conceptualizing these two differences between her relationships with Koreans in Korea and America. I think my relationship with people in Korea was a more natural relationship. I have gotten close to my friends in Korea naturally since we grew up together. I felt more comfortable with them. We share similar values and beliefs so there were no conflicts or arguments. Here, I feel that I need to put in so much effort to developing a relationship. I need to accept differences between me and other people. I think my relationships with people in America require intentional effort. It is not really natural like my relationships with my friends in Korea. Finally, she reported that Koreans in America associate with each other out of necessity. Because Koreans are in a foreign country, they need to receive help from other Koreans who have more information about American life. In addition, because Koreans are in America away from their friends and family in Korea, they need to have someone to socialize with. She thinks that Koreans‘ needs for getting necessary information and socializing with people make them spend time together initially. However, she said that her relationships in Korea are motivated by genuine interests in each other. Yuri, who reported negative experiences with Koreans in America, also talked about some differences in her relationships with Koreans in Korea and in America. According to Yuri, she was always busy with people in Korea, but, in America, she feels alone. Relatedly, she said that she had no problem finding people who were similar to her in Korea, whereas, in America, she could not find Koreans who share similar interests or who want to engage in the same activities with her. She struggles to find Koreans in America with whom she can relate, and the absence of any kind of relationships makes her feel lonely in America. One difference in his relationship with Koreans in Korea and in America that Jun, who had negative experiences with Koreans in America, reported was about opportunities to have meaningful conversations with Koreans. He remembers that, when he was in Korea, people talked about their worldviews, values, and more personal things when they were drinking together. In America, however, he found that, even when Koreans drink together, they only talk about safe things such as traveling experiences or their experiences in America. Overall, participants reported more obstacles to developing close and genuine relationships with Koreans in America than in Korea. In particular, they have more chances to socialize with Koreans who are different from Koreans with whom they socialized in Korea. Participants claimed that they had difficulties developing relationships with Koreans in America due to the differences between participants and Koreans who they met in America. It is important to be able to ―construe differences between people and evaluate those differences as to the impact they will have on him or her‖ (Leitner & Pfenninger, 1994, p121) to be an optimally functioning person. A person does not attempt to develop ROLE relationships with everyone because of the inherent risk associated with developing ROLE
25 relationships (Leitner & Pfenninger, 1994). It is possible that some participants are surrounded by people who are too different from them as a result of being exposed to a completely different environment from what they were used to in Korea. Consequently, they do not want to take the risk of experiencing invalidation by disclosing their core construing process to someone whom they perceive to be too different from them. Factors facilitating relationships with Koreans. Necessity was one major factor that facilitated participants‘ relationships with Koreans in America. Three participants reported that they were interested in socializing with Koreans in America because they needed them for collecting information about living and surviving in America as well as for getting help. Participants found it more convenient to receive help from Koreans because they are easily accessible and they speak the same language. Socializing with Koreans in America as a newcomer to America seems to be necessary for recent immigrants‘ survival in the new country. From mingling with Koreans in America, recent Korean immigrants can satisfy their social needs as well as learn necessary information about living and surviving in America. Mirae talked about her experience of relationships based on needs and positive aspects of such relationships Because I am a foreigner in America, I do not know anything about American life. When I was in Korea, I had no need to ask practical things to others because I knew everything. Since I grew up in Korea, I could take care of things for myself without getting others‘ help, but, in America, I need to get information from others to get things done. I also give information to others. However, there are some downsides to such relationships. It seems that when participants are spending time with other Koreans out of necessity, they focus more on their own needs. Therefore, their relationships with Koreans are tentative and often end once their needs are satisfied. Some participants experienced some discomfort or disappointment related to relationships out of necessity. For example, Mirae found that relationships based on needs tend to change as people‘s needs change, but it took her a while to make sense of the changes in her relationships with others. Yuri reported that, when she is getting help from Koreans with whom she is not really close, she feels uncomfortable because she does not know what to do to return the favor. These experiences demonstrate limitations in forming relationships to satisfy one‘s needs. Relationships based on necessity cannot last long unless a person tries to form close and intimate relationships with others with whom the person originally associated out of necessity. This indicates how relationships based on necessity limit developing ROLE relationships. ROLE relationships are reciprocal relationships that involve attempts to understand another person‘s construing process and disclosure of one‘s core ROLE construing process (Leitner, 1985; Leitner & Faidley, 1995). When a person associates with another person to satisfy needs, the person does not need to understand who the other person
26 is as long as the need is satisfied. Thus, the person misses out an opportunity to truly understand the other person‘s experience in the world. Constraints for relationships with Koreans. Participants reported several constraints around developing relationships with Koreans, although some of these constraints also can be applied to their relationships with people other than Koreans. The three major constraints in developing relationships with Koreans that more than two participants reported are situational factors (e.g., time constraints and temporary nature of their staying in America), issues relating to the characteristics of relationships (e.g., absence of meaningful conversation in relationships, and ambiguity of relationships), and personal issues (e.g., trust issues, age issues, and feeling misunderstood by others). Situational factors are factors related to participants‘ unique situation in America. Three participants talked about the constraints on their relationships with Koreans because of their unique situation in America (e.g., time constraints resulting from their busy schedules, and the temporary nature of their staying in America). In particular, all of the participants who are graduate students felt that they had no time to invest in relationships for at least some period while staying in America. Some experienced time pressure because they did not have unlimited time to study, which made them feel hesitant to develop relationships with Koreans. The temporary nature of participants‘ staying in America also contributed to their hesitancy about developing relationships with Koreans. Some participants plan to go back to Korea after achieving their goals in America, and some are skeptical about the possibility of maintaining close connections with Koreans whom they meet in America. They question the meaningfulness of developing close relationships with people in America, and it affects their approach to relationships with Koreans in America. For example, Jun observed that Korean international students‘ attitudes toward developing relationships with other Koreans is influenced by the temporary nature of their stay in America. A ROLE relationship requires commitment, defined by Leitner (1985) as ―the willingness to validate the other‘s process over time‖ (p. 129). In order to be committed to the relationship, it would be important to see the future of the relationship. Participants may feel that it is not meaningful to invest deeply in the relationships in America because they think that their relationships would not last once they move back to Korea. Thus, they do not want to be committed to deep and meaningful relationships in America. Jun stated, In the Korean international students‘ community, it is not really easy to judge the person based on their behaviors in public. This is partially because most of them are pretty young and also because they are here temporarily, they do not show their true self to others. It is not easy to know who they really are. Some participants found that some relationship characteristics of Koreans in America limit the development of close and intimate relationships with Koreans. As mentioned under overall experiences about the relationships, participants‘ experiences of differences in their
27 relationships with Koreans had a negative impact on the relationships. In particular, participants noticed that the absence of meaningful conversation, need based relationships, and ambiguity of relationships interfered with them developing close and meaningful relationships with Koreans. This implies participants‘ beliefs that meaningful conversations and relationships that are not motivated by needs are important in developing close and intimate ROLE relationships. Additionally, it is important for some people to understand where they stand in the relationship to feel comfortable in relationships. Finally, participants talked about some personal issues that negatively influenced developing close relationships with Koreans. For example, some participants had issues with trust (keeping a lot of secrets to oneself due to mistrusting others), some had issues with age (difficulty finding people in one‘s own age group or difficulty associating with people who are younger for various reasons), and some felt misunderstood by other Koreans. All these personal issues are related to the experience of invalidation or fear of experiencing invalidation in some ways. 2. Relationships with people other than Koreans in America (including Korean Americans). Overall experience of the relationships. Jun, and Minho reported having negative experiences, Mirae and Yuri reported having positive experiences, and Sohee reported having both positive and negative experiences in relationships with people other than Koreans in America. Negative experiences included experiencing difficulties in developing close relationships with Americans and having unpleasant experiences with Americans. Participants who reported negative experiences with Americans or other foreigners seemed to struggle to make meaningful connections with them for various reasons. For example, Sohee found that her relationships with some Americans did not deepen even after she spent significant time with them although she was not sure whether it was her problem or their problem. I did not feel uncomfortable the first time I met them. They (American friends) made me feel comfortable. Probably when they meet a new person, they try to make them feel comfortable. However, I did not experience any changes in the relationships no matter how many times I saw them. I do not feel that we get closer to each other or we care about each other more as we spend more time with each other. Positive experiences in relationships are related to developing close relationships with Americans and other foreigners, experiencing relationships that are consistent with participants‘ expectations, or experiencing Americans‘ positive attitude toward them. Participants‘ satisfaction in relationships is not always closely linked to the closeness of the relationships that they develop with people even though developing close relationships is one of the reasons why they are satisfied with relationships. Some participants do not expect to develop close relationships with non-Koreans because they are aware of limitations in
28 relationships with them. Consequently, they are more easily satisfied with relationships with non-Koreans than with Koreans. For example, Mirae reported that she does not have high expectations in her relationships with her friends from other countries and it makes her feel easily satisfied with such relationships. Yuri stated that she had positive experiences with her relationships with people in her department because they make her feel welcomed and included although she has not made meaningful connections with people in her department. Participants‘ satisfaction about the relationships with people other than Koreans in America is closely tied to the experience of validation. Validation is defined by Kelly (1955) as ―the verification of a prediction‖ (p.158). In other words, participants are satisfied with their relationships with non Koreans when their experiences with them validate their anticipation about the relationships or when non Koreans validate their own existence through expressing interests in them. Factors facilitating relationships with people other than Koreans. Several participants reported that three factors helped them develop relationships with people other than Koreans in America: similarity, non-Koreans‘ positive attitude toward participants or Korea, and certain expectations about relationships. First, participants found that certain similarities (e.g., culture, financial situation, age, interests, gender, and shared activities) helped them develop relationships with non-Koreans. Similarities provided them with opportunities to start relationships and offered a common ground to understand each other. Especially when two persons in the relationship are from different cultural backgrounds and their native languages are different, some kind of similarity between them can increase their understanding of each other‘s construing process (Lea & Duck, 1982). When two people from different cultures notice some similarities in their ways of construing experiences, they might feel more comfortable sharing constructs related to the similarities because there may be less chance for the other person to invalidate them. Yuri stated that this is how similarities between her housemates and her facilitate their relationships. I try to enjoy chatting with my housemates while cooking meals in the kitchen and getting exercise with them. Actually, I found that some of them are in a similar situation to me. They are busy with their studies most of the time, and when we run into each other in the kitchen, we chat. Since we are in a similar situation, it is easier to have deep conversations… It is easy for me to understand their situation, and I feel more comfortable with them. Three participants reported ways in which their relationships with people other than Koreans are affected by the non-Koreans‘ positive attitude toward the participants or Korean culture. For example, when Americans or other foreigners initiate relationships with participants, open themselves up to participants, or express interest in Korean culture, participants felt more comfortable developing relationships with them. Similarly, when participants felt that Americans or other foreigners understood Korean culture or tried to
29 understand them, they developed closer relationships with people other than Koreans in America easily. Sohee stated, My American friends try to understand me. This one particular friend acknowledges that I am a foreigner. So when she is talking with me, she always makes sure that I understand what she is talking about. She asks me if I understand everything and explains things that I don‘t understand… She is always eager to try my food including Kimchi (fermented spicy cabbage), and she has always given me honest feedback about my food that she tried. She has never told me, ―No thank you‖, when I asked her if she wanted to try my food… Since I am a timorous person, I rarely suggest anything to others. But when I suggest something to others, my intention is trying to find some common ground between us. Overall, when participants felt safer in the relationships because the other party was playing a more active role, it helped them to develop relationships with people other than Koreans in America. Two people can develop a close and intimate relationship only when both of them try to understand the other‘s world and feel safe with each other. In a ROLE relationship, people risk the terror, ―defined as a conglomeration of the experience of threat, fear, anxiety, hostility, and guilt‖ (Leitner, 1995, pp. 292), of their core ROLE constructs being invalidated by the other involved in the relationship (Leitner, 1995). Therefore, evaluation of safety can help people minimize the terror of potential invalidation. Additionally, in intercultural relationships, it seems that it is important to try to respect and understand the other person‘s culture to develop close relationships. Especially when two people involved in a relationship belong to a different cultural group that has different power in the society, the person who belongs to a more powerful cultural group can play a more important role in the relationship. Power is defined as ―the ability to act as validating agents for others‖ (Leitner, Begley, & Faidley, 1996, p.330). The dominant culture in the society has more power. Because people cannot form intimate relationships with everybody, culture provides ―general, common, agreed-upon meanings‖ (Leitner, Begley, & Faidley, 1996, p.327) about others that help people make sense of other people. Such stereotypical construing interferes with true understanding of the unique nature of the other (Leitner, Begley, & Faidley, 1996). When people in the dominant culture use stereotypical construing in their interaction with people from non dominant cultures such as immigrants, they can unintentionally invalidate less powerful people‘s constructs. Therefore, immigrants, as members of a less powerful culture, may be more cautious in developing ROLE relationships with people who belong to the new country in order to avoid invalidation from these more powerful people. Finally, three participants mentioned that their expectations about the relationships helped them develop relationships with people other than Koreans. Interestingly, when participants have no expectations about the relationships or when they feel that the other
30 person has no expectations from the participants, they feel more comfortable engaging in relationships. It seems that having no expectations about relationships also protects them from relational injury. For example, Mirae stated; Since I do not have high expectations of them (friends from other countries), I feel more comfortable talking with them… If I have high expectations from the person, sometimes I cannot tell everything to them because I am afraid of their responses not meeting my expectations. Her statement indicates that, because she does not expect her friends from other countries to validate her (their responses meeting her expectation), she feels more comfortable opening herself up to them. In other words, she would not feel hurt by what her friends from other countries tell her because she does not expect them to fully understand her experiences. Certain expectations that participants have about non Koreans also motivate participants in developing relationships with them. For example, Mirae stated that, because she expects foreigners to be different from her, it is easy for her to accept them as they are. She also stated that she feels comfortable engaging in small talk with Americans because she expects them to be expressive. This indicates that the way immigrants construe Americans in relationships can affect how they relate to Americans and what they would experience in their relationships with them. However, if participants only use their existing constructions of non- Koreans to understand them in relationships, it can interfere with participants developing true understanding about non Koreans. In other words, if participants use a constellatory construction to understand non-Koreans with whom they socialize, they may not get to know unique aspects of each individuals. Therefore, while some expectations about relationships with non-Koreans initially facilitate participants‘ relationships with them, these expectations also can limit the depth of relationships. Constraints for relationships with people other than Koreans. Participants reported six factors that interfered with them developing relationships with people other than Koreans: the language barrier, the cultural barrier, interpersonal issues, personal problems, situational issues, and differences between participants and people other than Koreans. Four participants reported struggles with developing relationships with people other than Koreans in America associated with the language barrier. Because language is an important method for formulating and expressing one‘s thoughts and feelings, language difficulties can make it hard to understand the other person‘s meaning system. Language helps people to initiate conversation, share their construing process, and explore the other‘s experiences in the world (Doh & Leitner, 2004). Therefore, while language is one of the most important tools for people when they develop relationships, the discomfort that participants experience when they speak in English significantly interfered with their chances to socialize with Americans as well as other foreigners. Jun talks about his struggle to mingle with his lab
31 mates due to communication problems although his lab mates tried to be considerate of his struggles with English. I have difficulty communicating with them (lab mates). I cannot talk spontaneously around them. Even if I want to say something to them, I cannot say it smoothly in a friendly manner… they (lab mates) try to be considerate. They try to understand what I say and try to respond to my questions. I think that they also make some effort to mingle with me. However, I have difficulty following their conversation, so I am hesitant to socialize with them. As Jun‘s experiences with his lab mates indicate, feelings such as frustration and inadequacy associated with difficulties with communicating in English can make non-native English speakers avoid socializing with Americans. Consequently, they deny themselves the chance to express their own construing process and to explore Americans‘ construing process. In addition, they miss out on opportunities to enhance their understanding of American culture through developing close relationships with Americans. Because they are limited in sharing their core construing process with people with whom they have to communicate in English, some participants believe it will be difficult to develop close and intimate relationships with people when they speak in English. In other words, the language barrier is a significant obstacle to developing ROLE relationships with people with whom participants have to speak in English to communicate. Further, some participants feel that, when they speak in English, they have difficulty experiencing emotions. Lack of emotional experience in speaking in a language also can create an obstacle in the development of deep and intimate relationships with people with whom one has to socialize communicating in the language. Minho stated his difficulties with experiencing emotion when he speaks. I know one of the Korean female students who did a master‘s degree in Canada and came to my school for a Ph.D. Her English is as good as her Korean. However, she told me that between the expression, ―I like you‖, in Korean and English, what she actually feels the meaning of the expression more directly is saying, ―I like you‖, in Korean. If a totally Americanized person feels that way, how could I share my feelings with Americans in English while really feeling what I am saying? How could I feel connected to the person I am talking with when I speak in English? I am skeptical. Culture is an important factor that affects one‘s construction of the world and one‘s experiences. People who belong to the same culture may construe their experience similarly. People in the same culture also may behave similarly in the same situation because their behavior is based on their understanding of the others expectation in that situation (Kelly, 1955). Therefore, two people sharing the same culture have more understanding about the other‘s construction of the experience based on their own cultural understanding.
32 Three participants attributed their struggle in developing close relationships with Americans to cultural differences. They felt that they cannot relate to Americans‘ stories about their experiences because they have not had similar experiences and their lack of knowledge about American culture makes it difficult to find common ground where they can relate to Americans. In this case, cultural differences create fundamental differences in a person‘s experiences in the world, and when two people from two different cultures do not share similar experiences, they have more difficulty understanding and relating to the other‘s experiences. Mirae stated her struggle to understand her friends from another culture and how it affects her relationships with them. I found more cultural differences from friends who are not Asian… friends who are not from Asia do not understand what I am talking about because we do not share a similar culture… They (Americans or Hispanics) do not know much about Korean culture and they do not understand my culture… It is not easy to become friends with people who are not Asian. Each culture has its traditional values and beliefs and provides people it‘s ways of making sense of reality. People are influenced by the culture in the development of values and beliefs as well as their construction of experiences. Therefore, differences in culture and experiences in the culture can contribute to differences in thinking and the process of meaning making. Differences in thinking and the process of construing can generate miscommunication and interfere with interpersonal relationships. Jun talks about differences in ways of thinking between him and Americans that he recognized as well as how the difference affects his relationships with them. Sometimes, I start with a big idea and progress into smaller parts, but my American teachers start with smaller ideas and expand them into a big concept. So sometimes I am puzzled because I am not sure why they talk about certain things… I found that, often times, the way I stated my ideas and what they expected to hear were opposites --like I started from a big concept and developed it into the small parts, but they expected me to say the smaller parts first and develop them into a big picture and vice versa. So they were also puzzled about why I said what I said. If we have enough time to talk, then we can hear the entire story from each other, which helps us to understand each other‘s story. However, when we only have time for small talk, there is more room for miscommunication. We miss each other‘s point easily because we do not have the same way of stating stories. What I say and what the other person expects to hear are different, so it is not easy to continue the conversation. So, the differences in the ways of thinking between me and Americans become a barrier in developing relationships. Four participants reported that their relationships with people other than Koreans were constrained by situational factors. Consistent with the situational factor that constrains
33 their relationships with Koreans, some participants reported that time constraints interfered with them developing relationships with people other than Koreans in America. These participants felt too busy to socialize with Americans or other foreigners because they feel pressured to complete their tasks within limited time. For example, Jun said: I only have limited time in America so I feel pressure to focus on my studies. Of course, I could make time to invest in developing relationships with Americans, but, psychologically, I felt that I could not afford to do it. Many participants complained about not having the opportunity to meet people other than Koreans. In order to develop relationships, people have to have the chance to meet and socialize with others. Koreans in America can meet other Koreans through the Korean community in America. But, Koreans in America have a limited chance to get to know Americans personally because of their problems with communication and a lack of opportunities to be included in Americans‘ social gatherings. Participants in this study usually meet Americans at school or free English classes, but it is not easy to form close relationships with Americans unless they have the chance to get to know them closely. There also were interpersonal issues that negatively affected the development of relationships. Some participants held beliefs that Americans prefer certain things in relationship (e.g., Mirae thinks that Americans value privacy and Sohee found that Americans are strict about their routine). Their beliefs about Americans‘ preference about relationships made them hesitant to be actively engaged in relationships with Americans because they did not want to bother Americans. Sohee stated, They really care about their family routine. At least my American friends are that way… When I ask my American friends if it is okay to stop by their place, they always let me know what they have to do that day such as by what time their child has to go somewhere and/or by what time they have to be at home. They are very precise about their schedule so I do not feel comfortable calling them just because I want to talk to them… I make a conscious effort not to bother their routine. So I do not call them often and I experience psychological distance from them. Further, some participants develop relationships with people other than Koreans in America through the pursuit of a common goal. However, they found that, once the goal was achieved or they do not share the same goal, the relationship ends. This is one limitation of relationships that does not involve sharing of each other‘s thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and worldviews. Intercultural relationships are based on fundamental differences in culture and language. Two participants found that differences in interests or age on top of differences in culture and language made them experience more difficulties in developing relationships with people other than Koreans. Of course, differences in interests or age also can affect possibilities with developing close relationships with Koreans. But more participants reported
34 their struggle to develop close relationships with non Koreans due to such differences. Differences between two people imply differences in their way of construing their experiences. If these differences are related to core constructs, they not only would have difficulties understanding the other‘s constructs; they also would struggle to understand the other‘s construing process. Differences between two people could be a potential threat to their own core constructs. For example, when a person notices that the other person holds fundamentally different values or beliefs, the person might have to compromise his or her values or beliefs to accept the other person. This can shake the foundation of the person‘s belief system and the person may feel threatened. Therefore, participants‘ struggles to develop relationships with people perceived as different from them can be interpreted as their struggle to relate to constructs that are different from theirs. Minho stated, ―A lot of Americans are religious and it also creates some barrier between Americans and me since I am not religious at all. Also, I cannot relate to American young people because I cannot understand their way of thinking‖. This indicates how his perception of differences affects his difficulties to develop close relationships with some Americans. Four participants‘ difficulties with relationships with non Koreans in America were related to their own personal issues (e.g., their personal preference and attitude toward certain populations, their personality, and their personal sensitivity around people other than Koreans). For example, Sohee thinks that her timid personality interfered with her developing close relationships with Americans, and Yuri prefered to socialize with Koreans when she has a choice between spending time with Koreans or Americans. Mirae felt more careful around people other than Koreans in America because she wanted to give them a good impression about her culture and Minho did not believe he can develop close relationships with Americans because he did not like them and he did not believe that he could talk about sensitive issues with them. Each participant has his or her own way of making sense of the difficulties with developing close relationships with Americans or other foreigners. Overall, participants experienced more struggles with developing relationships and reported more constraints in relationships with non-Koreans than with Koreans in America. Intercultural relationships have more challenges than relationships with people who share the same culture because the language and cultural differences create differences in the process of meaning making. Furthermore, the language barrier significantly interferes with sharing and exchanging thoughts, feelings, and meaning making processes. Therefore, intercultural relationships can be perceived as riskier than relationships with people in the same culture because of a higher chance for experiencing invalidation due to misunderstanding of the other‘s culture or lack of knowledge about the other‘s language.
35 Adjustment in America 1. Factors Hindering Adjustment. I found five factors that more than two participants reported in their interview that affected their adjustment negatively: language and communication problems, difficulties fitting in, relationship issues, differences and confusion, and practical issues. In the following section, I will describe each factor and provide examples from participants‘ interviews. Language and communication. All five participants reported adjustment difficulties associated with language and communication problems. Language is an important tool for survival in a foreign environment and it mediates other adjustment issues (e.g., interpersonal relationships, opportunities, and academic performance). First of all, participants found that their difficulties with communicating in English became a significant stressor. Although participants were relatively highly educated (three were in a Ph.D. programs in America and two graduated from college in Korea), they still found dealing with English on a daily basis challenging and stressful. Some participants indicated that they believed their difficulties with mastering the English language stemmed from the previous English language training they received in Korea. For example, Minho pointed out, ―English classes in junior high and high school in Korea focus too much on teaching grammar.‖ Participants expressed difficulty in communicating their thoughts and feelings due to a limited English vocabulary and issues with translation. In particular, several participants reported trouble in using colloquial English and English vocabularies that are related to everyday life. Participants found that it was not easy to translate what they wanted to communicate from Korean to English. Although knowing more English vocabulary helped them to communicate their ideas in English, they found that translating their ideas from one language to another language was more complicated than replacing Korean words with English words. For example, the appropriate way of communicating ideas in each situation can be different in Korean and English because language is a product of culture. Cultural values and beliefs influence language and grammar structure (Gemignani, 1999). Thus, when a person learns a new language, the person needs to understand the culture associated with the language in order to use the grammar and vocabulary of the new language appropriately (Doh & Leitner, 2004). There are different ways of communicating ideas in Korean and English, reflecting different ways of construing reality. Therefore, sometimes translating the meaning from Korean to English does not work because of the discrepancy between two cultural ways of communicating ideas. For example, Sohee talks about her struggle to express feelings and thoughts in English because of the discrepancy between two languages. I struggle with expressing my feelings or thoughts to Americans… It (Korean style) feels nicer to me. However, I know that I do not have to express my feelings or thoughts in the Korean way. As you know, Korean language has a lot of adjectives and there are many different ways to describe your thoughts or feelings. So I can use
36 euphemistic expressions or convey my message more smoothly when I communicate with other people in Korean if I want to do it, but, in English, I do not feel that I need to do that. I think English is a more direct language. American people state more clearly about like or dislike and yes or no. When I give a gift to an American, I just need to say, ―This is for you‖, but when I give a gift to a Korean, I feel a need to say ―this is not much.‖ Participants also experienced difficulty in understanding Americans‘ use of the English language. They attributed this to their difficulty in understanding English vocabulary and expressions, particularly in a cultural context. Kelly (1955) stated, ―Communication is a matter of reproducing the symbolic element in hopes of eliciting a parallel construct in another person‖ (p.140). In order to elicit a parallel construct, two people need to have a shared understanding of the language and the culture that the language is based on. Participants‘ trouble with understanding conversation with Americans affected their interpersonal relationships negatively. For example, Yuri felt her lack of understanding about American culture limited her ability to engage in conversation with her American classmates. I tried to understand my classmates‘ conversation when I ate out with my classmates, but I found that it was difficult to understand the content of the conversation although I could understand the language. They talked about TV sitcoms and TV programs such as American Idol, but since I did not watch TV, I had no clue about what they were talking about. Perhaps, if I watch TV and study American movies, I would be able to overcome this problem. Participants‘ difficulty in speaking and listening to English affected their emotional experience when trying to communicate in English. The anxiety and frustration participants experienced when trying to speak English interfered with their ability to communicate in English. They were anxious about making mistakes when speaking English as well as frustrated when trying to express their ideas in English as freely as they could in Korean. They also found it frustrating when they were not able to understand what Americans were talking about because of a comprehension and knowledge gap. It is notable that participants experienced more anxiety when they spoke in English around Americans. Yuri stated: The strange thing was that even though I could not say a word in my major classes, I could be really talkative in other classes such as ESL (English as a Second Language) class or classes offered by other departments…I think that my problem with speaking in English might have had something to do with my attitude. When there were only Americans in class like my major classes, I felt too anxious to speak because I tried to speak in perfect English. However, when I was in class with a lot of foreigners, I felt comfortable and did not have any problem speaking in English. The problems with language and communication can influence self concept and personality. Consider Sohee‘s experience;
37 I have spoken in English only for about nine years. I am 35 years old, but I talk like a nine or eight year old when I speak in English. My English expressions are like that age child… I talk less and less, especially when I am not at home. I became a quiet and shy person, whether I am at school or I am with my in-laws. Although participants struggled with English, some of the participants reported that, with time and practice, they were able to overcome problems with communicating in English. For example, Yuri stated, ―Time solved the problem. As time went by, I gained more confidence in my ability to speak in English. But, I struggled a lot in the first two semesters due to my problems with speaking in English.‖ Experiencing difficulties fitting in. All five participants talked about their experiences of being a foreigner and an ethnic minority in the United States. They also described feeling like an outsider because of this status. Many participants reported experiencing various degrees of subtle exclusion, discrimination, and marginalization associated with their foreign and ethnic minority status in America. These experiences made them feel that it would be difficult for them to be a part of American society. Some participants felt that Americans treated them differently because of their race and/or their inability to fluently communicate in English. For example, Sohee noticed that people treated her differently when she is with her American husband and when she is alone. When I go grocery shopping with my husband, I feel that people treat me more nicely. But when I go grocery shopping alone, people treat me bluntly. It can be their habit, but some people threw the change. They could hand the change to me, but they threw the change on the counter. They were acting like if I wanted the change I should collect it from the counter… I wondered about why they did that to me. Was it because I was alone? Was it because I am an Asian? Did they do that because I have brown eyes and yellow skin? I tried to figure out why they did that to me, but I decided to believe that it was about their personality. Even when I went to the public service offices, some people were mean to me. Some participants reported that they were not given a chance to work as a graduate assistant or a teaching assistant in graduate school because the professors‘ perceived problems with their English. Although they understood their professors‘ concerns to some degree, they still felt that their professors did not understand their potential. Yuri expressed her frustration associated with feeling underestimated about her ability. Another issue I had when I started graduate school was that not only did I have no financial support but also I was not given a chance to teach undergraduate courses. Even American students in the master‘s program taught undergraduate courses right after they started the graduate program. But, although I had two master‘s degrees, I was not given a chance to teach undergraduate courses. I really wanted to teach undergraduate courses even when I was in the master‘s program. I found that
38 master‘s program students who taught undergraduate courses did not really know what they taught… After seeing Americans teach classes although they were not a complete expert in the area that they teach, I felt that I could teach classes as well. I really wanted to teach. But, no one gave me an opportunity to teach, and professors evaluated me based on my ability to speak in English. It was frustrating. Some participants felt that, although they live in the United States, they do not really know Americans and their culture because they have limited contact with Americans and have limited opportunities to get involved deeply in Americans‘ lives. They felt that their understanding of the United States is still very superficial even after staying here for several years. Participants‘ felt like outsiders because they acknowledged how little they know and experience Americans and their culture although they have lived in America for a prolonged period of time. Mirae stated, I have only scratched the surface of American culture. I don‘t think I experienced American culture as an insider because I only stay at home in America. I have lived in America as a wife of an international student. As a matter of fact, I have lived in America as if I was in Korea. I do not get much chance to speak in English nor have I had American friends. I have observed American culture from the outside while living in America as if I lived in Korea. Participants could not experience America in a meaningful way because they did not develop intimate connection with Americans. In order to experience the culture as an insider, it is necessary to risk one‘s core in a ROLE relationship with people belong to the culture. However, people do not risk their cores with everyone to protect against devastating invalidation of their cores. It is important to develop an ability to discriminate between people who are likely to validate one‘s core and those who likely cannot. But when a person discriminates excessively, the person cannot develop a ROLE relationship with anyone in an attempt to minimize his or her chance of experiencing devastating invalidation (Leitner and Pfenninger, 1992). It seems that Mirae (and possibly other participants who could only experience superficial aspects of American culture) over-discriminated in their relationship with Americans which result in failure to truly experience the culture. Relationships. While ―difficulties with fitting in‖ focused on how participants‘ unpleasant relationship experiences with general populations in America affected their adjustment negatively, the ―relationships‖ factor deals with personal relationships affecting participants adjustment. Some participants experienced difficulties forming close relationships in America at some point, although their reasons for not having close friends in America differed. (See constraints around relationships with Koreans and constraints around relationships with Americans under the ―relationships in America‖ subtitle.) Regardless of their reasons for not having close relationships in America, an absence of close relationships negatively affected their adjustment. For example, consider Jun;
39 I wanted to develop closer relationships with Americans since I was coming to America, and there would be more Americans than non Americans in America. But, in reality, I am surrounded by Koreans in America and, although there are many Americans in America, I am not really close to any of them…I only have limited time in America so I feel pressure to focus on my studies. Of course, I could make time to invest in developing relationships with Americans, but, psychologically, I felt that I could not afford to do it…. In my opinion, cultural adjustment is a surface level adjustment, and it is easier to achieve if I try. But, interpersonal relationship related adjustment is not something that is easy to achieve. Differences and Confusions. There are many differences between Korean and American cultures. Some differences are based on external cultural differences such as life style and social systems and some differences are based on internal cultural differences (e.g., differences in values and beliefs). Differences between the two cultures often caused confusion and participants seemed to have difficulty making sense of their experiences. For example, consider the following statement by Mirae: Less than a month after we moved into our apartment, we received a letter stating that we had to leave our apartment because we did not pay the gas bill. I could not understand that because we paid the gas bill. Later, we found that the gas company made a mistake in processing our bill. We received the eviction letter twice. I was surprised by the way the American system deals with such issues. That kind of thing cannot happen in Korea… Her experience of confusion was related to differences in social systems between Korea and America. This kind of experience can disrupt one‘s construct system, because differences in social systems decrease the predictability of experience and invalidate existing constructs. Some differences between the two cultures just require learning of the new cultural practice and simple changes in behavior. Participants usually dealt with simple differences in cultural practice easily through changes in their behavior. Sohee stated, I have gotten more comfortable practicing the American style. When I offer something to others, I do not expect something in return. If I want to be nice to others, I would do something for them. I do not think they would take what I offer if they do not like it since Americans are good at expressing their likes and dislikes. However, some participants experienced difficulties understanding Americans because of the differences in values, beliefs, and practices between the two cultures. Even after participants learned about American culture, they experienced internal conflicts because American cultural values, beliefs, and practices were not compatible with their own. When people experience conflict between two different cultural values, they may be pressured to modify their constructs in order to fit in to the new cultural values, beliefs, and practice. Confusions and internal conflict caused by cultural differences were more prevalent among
40 participants who had more contact with Americans and therefore were influenced by American culture. Yuri expressed her struggle with re-establishing her own perspectives because experiencing Americans‘ perspective caused chaos in her worldviews. I have a religion, and when I was in the master‘s program, I had clear ideas about how people should be based on my religious beliefs. However, I found that that kind of attitude is not acceptable in America. It seems that, in America, it is encouraged to respect multiple perspectives in order to reduce conflicts. So, I am still not sure…I realized that, as I adjust myself to American culture, I have thrown away my old values and beliefs. I think that it was necessary to throw away some of my old values and beliefs. However, I have to have some kind of values and beliefs. I should have some kind of worldviews Kelly (1955) stated, ―Core constructs are those which govern a person‘s maintenance processes-that is, those by which he maintains his [or her] identity and existence‖ (p.482). Yuri is transitioning from old core constructs to new core constructs and her struggles are greatly related to the process of fundamental changes in her core constructs. Her internal world is chaotic because her old core constructs do not work and she has not established new core constructs that help her explain her experiences. Her core constructs were her values and beliefs (e.g., religion provided her an idea about how people should be) and, when she experienced invalidation of her core constructs (e.g., judging people based on her religious beliefs is not acceptable in America), she decided to throw away her old beliefs. However, she has not established another values and beliefs that she can use to make sense of her experiences yet. Bannister and Fransella (1982) stated, ―in changing our construction systems, we are changing ourselves and we may experience the change as more like a kind of chaos than as a logical exercise‖ (p.25). Recognizing differences and learning the new culture also can cause identity confusion if the differences are related to core constructs. Core constructs are related to the maintenance of a person‘s identity, and when the person is exposed to a new culture that challenges the person‘s worldviews and values that are connected to core constructs, it can disturb the person‘s world (Epting, 1984). For example, Sohee stated that ―Sometimes I feel confused about my identity, I feel that I am not totally Korean anymore although I still heavily influenced by Korean culture and I cannot be American either‖. Her experiences of identity confusion demonstrate how being exposed to two different cultures affect a person‘s identity. Practical issues. Three out of five participants reported experiencing some practical problems (e.g., financial problems or difficulties associated with not having a car) that hindered their adjustment. Because four participants were in America as international students or a wife of an international student, the financial problems were not under their control. International graduate students can only work as a GA or TA and the wife of an
41 international student is not allowed to work. Minho expressed his struggles with financial situations. Financial difficulties challenge my life in America the most… Before I came to America, I asked one of my friends in my city about the conditions for living. He said that it takes about five minutes to twenty minutes to go to different places in town. I asked him if it is walking distance, and he said that it is driving distance. I was devastated when he said that because it meant that I had to buy a car. Because I did not have much money, I had to buy an old car that might require a lot of money for the maintenance. Money and experience of relative deprivation from both American students and other international students made my life difficult. As Minho stated in the previous example, it is important to own a car in America, especially if one does not live in a big city. Two out of five participants do not own a car for different reasons, and it affected their quality of life in America significantly. Both of them had to rely on other people when they wanted to go somewhere and it limited their opportunities to experience in the United States. 2. Factors Facilitating Adjustment. Participants identified several factors that facilitated or would facilitate their adjustment. These factors can be classified as interpersonal factors, external factors, and internal factors. In the following section, I will describe each factor, and provide examples from participants‘ interviews. Interpersonal factors. Interpersonal factors are related to participants‘ relationships with people in America. Participants found that, when they had someone who offered them help voluntarily, it was easier to adjust in the new environment. When people move to a foreign country, their initial difficulties are related to satisfying their basic needs. They cannot be as self-sufficient as they were in their country because everything is foreign to them. Seeking help for everything can invalidate their construction of themselves as an independent adult; some people struggle to accept a new construction of self. It especially facilitated their adjustment when they had someone in America who helped them actively and unconditionally as Sohee stated, My husband takes care of everything for me unconditionally just because I am his wife. But it would be really difficult for foreigners living in a foreign country where they have to learn to speak in a foreign language. My life in America was relatively easy because my husband is an American. Participants also found that having close friends who provided them emotional support helped their adjustment to America. This indicates the importance of developing meaningful relationships for immigrants‘ adjustment. In other words, immigrants need to have someone who can validate their experiences in the new country for better adjustment. Finally, some participants reported that learning American culture through interacting with
42 Americans helped their adjustment. External factors. External factors are factors related to participants‘ environment and situations. For example, resolution of financial problems and getting a job are examples of external factors that facilitated participants‘ adjustment. Yuri stated, ―Getting financial support from the department helped my adjustment in a practical way. It was a huge relief.‖ Sohee found that getting a job helped her adjustment. She stated; Having a job helped my adjustment. When I started to work, I worried about my language skills… I was anxious about the possibility of making a mistake. But after a while, I got used to my job, and, through speaking at least few sentences in English everyday, I became more comfortable with English although I cannot say I am confident in speaking in English. Internal factors. Internal factors are related to factors that participants can control. For example, Yuri reported that she tried to change her attitude. She stated, ―I also changed my attitude. Instead of complaining about not having people who helped me out, I tried to appreciate any help I get from others‖. She also tried to have more realistic expectations. She said, ―I also lowered my expectations about interpersonal relationships‖. In addition, she tried to overcome her problems, ―I overcame other difficulties by trying hard. I studied hard to improve my writing and gain confidence in English‖. She found that these changes helped her adjustment. Mirae stated that learning about American culture through mass media facilitated her adjustment process, and Minho emphasized his willpower and physical health as two important key factors for his adjustment in America. My willpower helped me to continue with my study when I was in a bad condition in America. One semester, I think it was the third semester, I really determined to study hard. So I shaved my hair, made my lunch and dinner box in the morning, and studied all night at a study room. I booked a study room at that time. I slept at the study room for several hours on the chair. The following morning, I went back home to have breakfast and fixed my lunch and dinner. At that time, I did not enroll for the classes because I did not have money, but I was auditing a class. Luckily, I had the physical stamina to live that kind of life since I have been getting exercise for years before I came to America. It was helpful. Changes Participants reported experiencing changes in their behaviors, life style, attitude, ways of thinking, and interpersonal relationships after living in America for several years. Some participants experienced changes associated with speaking in English, and some changes that they experienced came naturally with staying in America for an extended period of time. In addition, I considered changes that helped participants expand and deepen their understanding of their world and their experiences as reflecting personal growth. Their
43 experiences of change resulted from adapting to a new culture, having new experiences, and learning new ways of living life through observing Americans. Behavioral changes. Two participants specifically reported experiencing some behavioral changes resulting from living in America. Jun reported that he found that he tried new things less as he stayed in America longer. He attributed the changes in his behavior to his experience of failure. He described his failure experience as follows; ―When I experience something new, if the new experience is consistent with my established self, then it is easy to accept it, but if it does not match with my style, then it becomes a failure.‖ In other words, when his new experience invalidates his existing constructs, he experiences failure. He experienced failure so many times in America that he decided to try new things less frequently. Sohee reported several behavioral changes that were related to changes in her cultural environment. She stated that, compared to when she was in Korea, she buys new clothes to keep up with trends less often and wears make up less. She observed that Americans do not seem to care much about fashion and wear clothes that they want to wear regardless of their size. Her observation made her feel that she did not have to buy new clothes every season to be fashionable in America like she did in Korea. In addition, she reported spending less money and having developed better ways to manage her money since she came to America. She spends less money in America because of the American credit card system. Whereas the Korean credit cards permit a new maximum credit line each month, American credit cards have one maximum credit line. Therefore, her current month‘s credit card expenses affect next month‘s credit availability, and she had to learn to manage her money better than when she was in Korea. Changes in life style. Four participants reported experiencing changes in their life style as a result of living in America. Their life style changes were related to their international student status and differences between Korean and American culture. Jun and Mirae talked about compromises that they had to make in their life style because of changes in their status. Jun was a full time employee at a company in Korea, but he is a full time graduate student in America. He has to return to his job in Korea after completing his studies. Because he does not have unlimited time to study for his degree in America, he experiences constant time pressure, causing his life style to change. According to Jun, he could not enjoy life as much as he could in Korea because he did not have time. Mirae, who is a wife of an international student in America, experienced changes in her life style because of changes in her financial situation. She has to live off her husband‘s stipend, and, with a reduction in their income compared to that in Korea, she had to make compromises on her standard of living. For example, she could not go to a beauty shop or go shopping as often as she did in Korea and she could not work on making and investing money.
44 Some participants‘ changes in life style came from their living arrangements. Participants who are single international students did not live alone when they were in Korea. Minho was in the Korean army and Yuri used to live with her family in Korea. When they came to America to study, they had the new experience of living alone. As a consequence, they had to learn to take care of their basic needs and it was a significant change in life style for them. However, these changes did not entirely result from living in America because they would experience the same changes even in Korea if their living arrangement changed. Some life style changes as a result of living in America were perceived to be positive. For example, Minho found that being a student in America provided him chances to pay attention to Korean politics and world politics because he did not have to think about practical things (e.g., buying a house or investing money to generate more money) like his friends in Korea. Yuri found that some differences in the systems (e.g., educational system) between Korea and America affected her experience of life. For example, she experienced less stress associated with finding materials for her research (e.g., journal articles) than when she was in Korea because the American school system provides sufficient resources to graduate students. In addition, she was pleased that she did not have to deal with heavy traffic on the street in America as she did in Korea because she lived in a smaller city in America. Changes with time. Some participants experienced some changes in their experiences in America as they stayed in America longer. Yuri was in America for the second time, and she experienced less stress associated with English upon returning to America. Mirae recognized some changes in her experiences in America after staying in America for more than three years. She found that, compared to her first year in America, she felt more comfortable living in America at the time the interview was conducted. Additionally, because she was used to living in America, she had fewer expectations about experiencing new things compared to her first year in America. These changes resulted from participants getting used their new environment and language. Changes related to interpersonal relationships. Four participants reported some changes in their relationships with people or their understanding about relationships as a result of coming to America. Some changes in relationships were simply caused by the physical distance between the participants and their families and friends in Korea. For example, Jun stated that his relationships with his friends and parents changed since he came to America because he could not see them as often as he used to. He especially expressed experiencing emotional pain associated with having difficulty taking care of his parents due to the physical distance. Some changes in participants‘ relationships with people are related to the changes in their situation and people around them as a result of coming to America. Jun found that the Korean students he met in America did not share personal things with others and realized that it would be difficult for him to develop deep and meaningful relationships with Koreans in
45 America like he could with some Koreans in Korea. Mirae learned different ways of relating to people. When she was in Korea, she only developed close relationships with her childhood friends who were very similar to her, and only valued deep and intimate relationships with people. But, in America, she had more chances to develop relationships with people who are different from her and learned to associate with people through sharing common goals. This new experience helped her expand her relationship repertoire and learn positive and negative aspects of people who are different from her. Yuri experienced changes in her overall relationships. According to Yuri, she had always been busy socializing with people in Korea, but she could not find people with whom she could spend time in America. Whereas she had no problems finding people who shared similar interests and values in Korea, she could not do that in America as well. Consequently, she felt lonely in America and realized the importance of having social support. Some participants changed their attitudes toward relationships as a result of having new relationship experiences. Yuri stated that she found more value in relationships when she came back to America second time than the first time. She thinks that it is partially because she started to have more appreciation for her relationships with friends who share a similar background with her after being around people who were completely different from her. Sohee stated that she developed a different attitude toward in-law relationships as a result of experiencing her American parents-in-law. She reported that, before she experienced her American parents-in-law, she had negative perceptions about parents-in-law (e.g., parents-in- law are demanding and abusive toward their daughters-in-law) and negative attitudes toward relationships between parents-in-law and daughters-in-law (e.g., daughters-in-law have obligatory relationships with parents-in-law). However, experiencing her American parents- in-law made her feel positive about the relationship between parents-in-law and daughters-in- law. Participants noticed differences in their communication styles depending on the language that they use. Some differences in communication styles between Korean and English resulted from their difficulties with communicating in English. These differences can potentially change their interpersonal relationships. Mirae reported that, when she speaks in Korean, she tends to think a lot before talking and uses ambiguous, abstract, and vague expressions more often. She can communicate more complex meanings and uses euphemisms or refined expressions when she speaks in Korean. However, when she speaks in English, she cannot use as sophisticated expressions due to her limited English vocabularies. Therefore, she tends to use direct and simple expressions and is more frank when she speaks in English. Sohee also stated that her difficulties speaking in English affected her ability to communicate in English. When she speaks in Korean, she can be gentle, polite, and indirect, but in English, she can only express her thoughts or feelings in direct way.
46 Changes in attitude. Four participants reported experiencing changes in attitudes as a result of experiencing American culture. These changes resulted from being exposed to different cultural practices and preferring the new cultural practice over their own. Jun stated that, when he came to America 10 years ago, he witnessed Americans practicing fundamental virtues (e.g., waiting one‘s turn patiently or trying to do the right thing although it did not give one the immediate gain), and it changed his attitude about the right practice in everyday situations. When he came back to Korea, he implemented what he learned in his life in Korea. He stated, Sometimes I waited for my turn, and sometimes I tried to be fair to everyone although in Korean society, we are supposed to take care of people who are associated with us more than people who are not associated with us. I tried to practice the American style. However, he discovered that his new attitude was not welcomed by Korean society. This indicates that each culture may value a different attitude. In other words, changes in attitude as a result of being exposed to different cultural atmospheres can be negative when a person has to move back to their original culture. Yuri changed her attitude toward work and her general attitude in social settings after observing that Americans held different attitudes than her. She said that she used to take her work too seriously compared to her American co-workers because she was following the Koreans‘ attitudes toward work (e.g., working hard without taking a break). When she found that her co-workers took frequent breaks from their work, she felt bothered initially. However, she realized that her approach to work could be counterproductive because she was exhausted easily. She decided to take a more easy going approach to her work like her American co- workers and found that she prefers the American style. Yuri also changed her general attitude in social settings. She thought, like every other Korean that she knows, that it is important to be polite and formal in social settings. However, she observed Americans being casual in social settings. For example, she saw that her classmates were sitting comfortably in class and eating food. She felt bothered by them initially, because they were too casual in class by her standard. But, she later developed a preference toward her American classmates‘ attitude in class and decided to discard all the formality that she valued. Sohee also changed her attitude about expressing her feelings and thoughts after learning the American style. For example, when she expressed gratitude toward other Americans, she always gave them a gift and said ―it is not much,‖ as if her gift was not good enough. She was practicing the Korean style of expressing gratitude. However, she realized that Americans have a different attitude toward expressing gratitude and she decided to change her attitude to make her life in America easier. Sohee experienced several changes in attitudes as a result of being a racial minority in America. She reported that she developed new sensitivities around issues with race and nationality. Because she was in the majority in Korea, she did not have to think about the
47 implications of her race and nationality when she was in Korea. But, as a foreign born Asian and racial minority in America, she was more conscious about the implications of her behavior and other Asians‘ behaviors in regards to the behavior leading Americans to develop stereotypes or prejudices about Asians. In addition, she developed a new attitude toward Korea. Whereas she fantasized how her life would turn out if she went to America when she was in Korea, now, she misses her home country and has developed a sense of patriotism. Some attitude change was not directly related to being in America. Rather, the change occurred as a result of having a new realization while in America. For example, while Minho talked about the changes in his attitude toward getting good grades, he could experience this change in any place. He stated that his graduate school experiences made him value learning more than getting good grades because he found that grades do not always reflect what he learned. Changes in opinion. Participants had opportunities to have first hand experiences with Americans and American society when they came to America. They found that some of their experiences in America were not consistent with their ideas of Americans and American society. Three participants talked about changing their opinion about Americans, American society, and African Americans. Jun stated that he only saw the positive aspects of the American higher education system when he was in Korea. However, his first hand experience made him see both the positive and negative aspects. He also changed his opinion about African Americans. He held negative stereotypes and prejudices toward African Americans before he had more contact with African Americans in America. He attributed his previous misconceptions to the influence of mass media portrayal and the Korean cultural perception of African Americans. However, when he came to America and had more chances to observe African Americans, he realized that there are many African Americans who do not fit into the stereotypes and prejudices that he had held. Consequently, he changed his opinion about African Americans. Mirae also changed her idea and opinions about Americans after observing Americans for several years while living in America. For example, she expected to see a lot of lot of Americans kissing on the street or cussing in public and thought that, since America is a wealthy country, Americans would live in luxury. She found that, after living in America, what she observed was completely different from what she expected. She rarely saw Americans kissing on the street or cussing in public and found that Americans were frugal. She lived in a big city in Korea, but, in America, she lives in a smaller city. She stated that, compared to her busy life in Korea, Americans in her city seem to have a more family centered and simple life style. All her observations about Americans in her city were different from her idea about how Americans would be and she changed her opinion about them.
48 While Jun and Mirae‘s changes in their opinion about Americans were either positive or neutral, Minho‘s changes in his opinion about them were negative. Minho had many negative experiences with Americans (e.g., Americans look down on foreigners or joke about their English behind their back) and was disillusioned about the American government‘s way of dealing with a huge incident like 9/11. He was not sure how attacking Iraq was related to homeland security and did not feel that the American mass media reported all the truth about the incident. He also did not like Americans holding double standards for judging world politics such as nuclear weapon issues. His focus on the negative aspects of Americans and American society made him develop negative feelings and opinions about Americans. The experience of living in a foreign country also can affect a person‘s opinion about the person‘s original culture through comparing the two cultures that the person has experienced. Jun shared his new opinion about Koreans after experiencing Americans. He reevaluated his understanding about Koreans after witnessing reactions of Koreans and Americans about the Virginia Tech massacre. He realized that Koreans are nationalistic and narrow minded compared to Americans from watching Americans‘ way of dealing with the incident. He was impressed that Americans portrayed the incident as a problem with an individual instead of a problem about Koreans. He believes that if a similar incident happened in Korea, Koreans would blame the ethnic group that the shooter belonged to. He thinks that Americans‘ tendency to focus on individuals and Koreans‘ tendency to focus on groups makes the two groups‘ ways of viewing the incident different. Changes in thinking. Some participants experienced changes in their ways of thinking as a result of having new experiences in America. Mirae reported that, in contrast to how she was in Korea, she decided to respect her feelings and express what she wants. She changed her mind about expressing her thoughts and feelings because she realized that it is acceptable in America and Americans would not know what she wanted or knew unless she expressed it to them. Yuri struggled initially because she could not find her ideal friends in America. Later, she decided to focus on the here and now instead of complaining about things that she did not have. This change in her thinking improved her experience in America. Some changes in thinking come from experiencing other cultures through interacting with people from all over the world and being influenced by Americans‘ way of thinking. Mirae discovered more similarities across cultures after spending time with people from various cultures, which helped her discard her negative stereotypes about other cultures. Sohee was influenced by American‘s way of thinking in many ways. First, she changed her ideas about what was an acceptable job for her. She worked in an office in Korea, but she is working at a restaurant in America. She said that she would not even consider working at a restaurant if she were in Korea because she knows Koreans look down on waitresses. However, she thinks that it is acceptable to work at a restaurant in America because she does not think that Americans devalue this job. Secondly, she changed her thoughts about what
49 would make a desirable life for her. When she was in Korea, she felt a need to buy a specific size condominium in a specific location to join the mainstream way of living and thought that there was only one ideal way of living life. However, she feels that there are many other options for living a good life in America. Lastly, she learned that Americans also are prejudiced about international marriage from observing how her American classmates perceived another international couple. This changed her thoughts about how she and her husband might be perceived by Americans. Language and changes. Three participants reported changes in their emotions, personality, and perceptions of themselves depending on the language they speak. Mirae said that she expresses emotions more often when she speaks in English because she observed that Americans express emotions more frequently than Koreans do. Not only does she express emotions more often but she feels comfortable exaggerating her emotions when she speaks in English because she feels that exaggerated emotions are more culturally acceptable in America. In contrast, Minho claimed that he cannot feel emotions when he speaks in English. He claimed that his difficulties with feeling the emotion that he is talking about in English makes him feel disconnected from the person with whom he talks in English. Mirae feels freer when she speaks in English because she does not feel that she has to think about the formality that is associated with speaking in Korean. She can say things in English without thinking deeply and feels more comfortable saying ―No‖ in English. She feels that speaking in English makes her more talkative and frivolous. In Mirae‘s case, changes in her personality when she speaks in English come from her learning Americans‘ communication style. Sohee also talked about some expressed personality differences depending on the language that she speaks. However, Sohee‘s change in her personality when she speaks English is more related to her struggle with the language itself. She feels that her difficulties with English interfere with her ability to fully express herself. She stated, The way I communicate does not reflect my real personality, the personality that I consider who I am as a Korean. When I speak in Korean, I can fully express the kind of person I am, but when I speak in English, I can only express myself about 50 to 70%. Her struggle to express herself and lack of confidence in speaking in English also affect her personality when she is with Americans. She said, ―I talk less and less, especially when I am not at home. I became a quiet and shy person.‖ Personal growth. Some participants also grew as a result of having experiences of living in America. I consider changes that are related to expansion or elaboration of participants‘ construct systems as personal growth. In other words, I consider them as having experienced personal growth if they talk about how experiences in America helped them develop a more complex and deep understanding of the world around them. In several cases,
50 the participants‘ experience of personal growth was related to reconstruction of their core constructs. Core constructs are not easily changed, and changes in core constructs usually happen gradually (Epting, 1984). Some participants decided to look into their core values and beliefs after having experiences that challenged their values and beliefs. They made significant modification in their core constructs through self-examination, and such changes helped them to grow personally. I also included participants‘ experience of changes resulting from living in America that they consider as personal growth. Some participants‘ experience of personal growth came from exposure to a new culture and diverse people. Jun stated that, although he only had surface level exposure to American culture because he was not deeply involved in everyday life of Americans, his experiences in America fundamentally changed his value system from hierarchical to egalitarian. When I was in Korea, I put more value on becoming better than other people rather than helping other people. So I had more hierarchical values in that I wanted to be superior to others. However, since I came to America, maybe it is because I recognized my own limits, I have developed more egalitarian values such as it is important to help each other and respect each other. He found that his experiences in America were meaningful because he could re-think his values and modify them through being exposed to new situations and diverse people, values, and ideas. Mirae also found that living in America provided her opportunities to see negative and positive aspects of people who came from diverse backgrounds, which helped her to accept diversity among people. Now she is more open-minded as a result of being exposed to diverse people and believes that there are many different ways of living life. In addition, meeting people from other cultures made her become more interested in learning about other cultures. She felt that living in a foreign country and experiencing diverse people, ideas, and values affected her way of thinking and the scope of her understanding about the concept of diversity significantly. Yuri reported that, in America, she had more chances to encounter diverse people holding different ideas and values, and had more opportunities to have experiences that she was not used to. She stated, ―I began to change my mind about all the rules that I used to hold. At the same time, I experienced more confusion about everything. I am less judgmental and accusatory about others‘ behaviors.‖ As a result of having this first hand contact with diverse people and being exposed to new situations, she became a more open minded person and accepted more things than ever. Some participants reported that the American life style in itself provided them with opportunities for personal growth. Mirae reported that she had more spare time in America compared to her busy life in Korea, and it gave her the chance to reflect on her life and deepen her thoughts. Having time to contemplate things helped her develop her perspectives on many issues and develop a deeper understanding about other people. In addition, she
51 believed that the free English classes she has attended in America have contributed to her personal growth. Being a student made her focus less on practical things about life and pay more attention to the learning aspect of life. Mirae said; I do things that I used to do a long time ago. I experienced a new culture. I want to learn more and study more again. When I was in Korea, I thought that I was done with studying, but when I came to America, I realized that there are a lot of things that I do not know about. For example, if I meet someone from another country, and if I do not know much about her culture, I would study her culture to find topics to talk about. Similarly, Minho said that the positive aspect of American life is that it provides people more opportunities for personal growth. For example, he feels that, because American life provides more privacy and freedom for people, people have more chances to explore different options and invest their time to improve their life. He also thinks that, compared to Korea, America has better developed systems that offer people the chance to pursue their interests. In fact, he has tried to take advantage of the opportunities provided by the American system. For example, he likes to play sports and exercise and his school provides an excellent facility for pursuing his interests. He also stated that having the chance to travel extensively in America has helped his personal growth significantly by prompting him to contemplate many things. Lastly, Minho stated that his situation in America, which he think is like an orphan‘s situation in some ways because he is alone in a foreign country without having any family members, has made him think about underprivileged people‘s lives. In addition, he had the chance to experience poverty in America, which he would not have experienced in Korea due to the work restrictions on international students. He thinks that these experiences provided him with good lessons because it helped him develop a deeper understanding about underprivileged people‘s lives. Discussion Summary of research findings I interviewed five Koreans to understand their experience of immigration in three areas: relationships, adjustment and changes. According to the Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS) scores, all of the participants identified with Korean culture more than American culture. Based on AAMAS scores, I believe that their acculturation strategies were either integration or separation. Immigrants using a separation acculturation strategy hold onto their original culture and minimize learning about the new culture whereas immigrants utilizing an integration acculturation strategy balance between maintaining their original culture and learning about the new culture. Because participants in this study are more likely using separation or integration acculturation strategies, the findings in this study might not be relevant to immigrants using assimilation or marginalization acculturation strategies. In addition, because four out of five participants
52 were temporary immigrants, the results would be more applicable to experiences of temporary immigrants. The results indicate that participants experienced more difficulties in developing close relationships with non Koreans than Koreans in America although their quality of relationships with Koreans in America was not great compared to those in Korea. Participants found that their struggles with English, difficulties with fitting in American society, relationship issues, confusion caused by cultural differences, and other practical issues (e.g., financial problems) hindered their adjustment in America. Participants experienced changes in various areas including their life style, relationships, attitudes, and opinions as a result of living in America. Some participants‘ changes helped them to develop deep and complex understanding about their experiences and people around them, and I consider such changes as personal growth. These findings have implications for acculturation research. Implication for acculturation studies Participants‘ experiences of relationships in America indicate that similarities and differences between people are two of the important factors that affect interpersonal relationships. While similarities (e.g., culture, financial situation, age, interests, gender, and shared activities) facilitated relationships, differences (e.g., differences in language, culture, interests, age, etc.) interfered with development of relationships. Other studies have found that similarities in race make immigrants feel more comfortable engaging in close relationships (Yeh et al., 2005), and language barriers and cultural differences interfere with immigrants‘ relationships with people in the new country (Lam, 1997; Miller et al., 2009). Whereas most of studies indicate that culture and language are two important factors that affect intercultural relationships for immigrants, this study suggests that other similarities and differences also can affect immigrants‘ relationships with people in the new culture. Considering that the cultural gap and the language barrier cannot be overcome in a short period of time, other kind of similarities (e.g., interests and shared activities) play significant role in immigrants‘ relationships with people in the new country until immigrants become familiar with the new culture and language. There was a relationship between association with people in the host country and immigrants‘ development of new cultural identity (Phinny et al., 2001; Yoon et al., 2008). All participants in this study identified more with Korean culture than American culture and experienced more challenges in developing relationships with Americans. This indicates that participants may not be able to develop an American identity even after several years living in America. However, it is unclear from this study that how much of the participants‘ association with or lack of association with Americans affected their identification with American culture. For example, Jun and Yuri identified with American culture more according to the AAMAS scores, but Jun could not form close relationships with Americans and was not satisfied with his relationships with them. More studies on factors affecting
53 development of the new cultural identity may provide more understanding about acculturation process. The participants‘ experiences with people in America indicate that, although some participants could develop some degree of close relationships, most of them were dissatisfied with the quality of relationships in America. Moreover, participants struggled to develop meaningful relationships even with Koreans in America. Some recognized the differences between Koreans with whom they socialized in Korea and in America and such differences affected the quality of the relationships with Koreans negatively. This suggests that immigrants might experience difficulties finding good social support even within their ethnic community in America because they might not be able to find people who are similar to the people with whom they used to associate in their country of origin. The ethnic community in the new country can provide practical and emotional support to immigrants because they share similar experiences and language in a foreign country. However, the participants in this study found some limitations in the emotional support available in the Korean community in America because of the unique characteristics (e.g., lack of meaningful conversation and lack of investment in long term relationships) of the community. There has not been much study into the factors affecting quality of relationships within the ethnic community. It would be helpful to investigate whether other ethnic immigrants also experience challenges in developing meaningful relationships with people from their own country and what factors facilitate and interfere with intimate relationships within ethnic community. An adjustment theme analysis revealed several factors that hindered and facilitated the participants‘ adjustment in America. Factors hindering adjustment included language and communication problems, difficulties fitting in, relationship issues, differences and confusion, and practical issues. Among these factors, all of the participants reported experiences related to language and communication problems and having difficulties with fitting in that affected their adjustment in America. This indicates that these two factors might be the most significant factors that affect immigrants‘ adjustment in the new country. Many other studies on immigrants and international students suggest the importance of language acquisition for their adjustment in a foreign country (Constantine et al., 2005; Jasinskaja-Lahti, 2008; Yeh, & Inose, 2002; Yeh et al., 2008.) Language skills serve as an important tool for immigrants and international students learning about the new culture, functioning in a foreign society, and socializing with people in the new country. In addition, language acquisition is necessary for performance in the academic setting and job market in the new country (Constantine et al., 2005; Jasinskaja-Lahti, 2008; Yeh, & Inose, 2002). Therefore, language acquisition is a foundation for intercultural adjustment. The participants‘ reports on their struggles with language and communication issues in relation to their adjustment provide an understanding of how language affects immigrants‘ psychological adjustment in the new country as well as practical (functioning and surviving
54 in the new country) and interpersonal (socializing with people in the new country) aspects of adjustment. Participants experienced stress associated with communicating in English because they could not communicate their thoughts and feelings freely. In particular, they complained about difficulties translating their thoughts and feelings from Korean to English because they could not figure out the right English expressions and the right cultural ways of expressing their message. This implies that in order to communicate properly in a new language, immigrants need to learn both language and the culturally appropriate way of using the language. Immigrants cannot learn culturally appropriate communication styles unless they are immersed in the new culture, but their lack of confidence in the new language can interfere with their cultural immersion. This can create a double bind for them. Participants experienced anxiety and frustration when socializing with Americans because of their communication problems. Such negative emotional experiences can make immigrants avoid situations that require speaking in the language of the new country. Especially as Yuri experienced, some immigrants can feel more anxious speaking in the language of the new country around the native speakers because of their perceived relative inadequacy in communicating in the new language compared to the natives. Some participants experienced changes in self concept and personality due to their problems with communicating in English. This suggests that immigrants‘ experience of selves can be influenced by the gap between immigrants‘ ability to communicate in their language and the new language. More research in the area of immigrants‘ self concept in relation to communication problems will help clarify the long term effect on experience of communication problems in immigrants‘ psychological well-being. Participants also reported struggling to fit into the American culture and mainstream society. They experienced subtle forms of exclusion, discrimination, and marginalization in their interaction with Americans, and such experiences made them feel like outsiders in American society. They attributed part of their struggles to fit into the mainstream culture to their problems with English and their racial minority status. When immigrants are discriminated against in the new country, it can slow their adjustment because they feel unwelcomed and rejected (Slonim-Nevo et al., 2009). The experience of discrimination can make people feel angry and depressed. Immigrants can suffer from self-devaluation and low self- esteem as a result of experiencing discrimination (Slonim-Nevo et al., 2009; Yeh et al., 2005). In addition, discriminatory experiences can strengthen immigrants‘ ethnic identity (Felix-Ortiz, 1994). Experiences of discrimination, exclusion, and marginalization can interfere with immigrants‘ relationships with people in the new country. Participants in this study also felt that, because they failed to make a deep connection with Americans, they only could experience superficial aspects of the American culture, which made it impossible to really understand the culture and be a part of it. This indicates that people in the new country‘s attitude toward immigrants is one of the important factors for immigrants‘
55 adjustment. Immigrants‘ cross cultural adjustment can be accelerated by people in the host country who are willing to develop close relationships them without holding prejudicial attitude. Participants in this study struggled to make sense of the differences between Korean and American cultures. Initially, differences in social systems and cultural practices caused confusion, and participants had to learn the new social system and cultural practices to fit in. Although they found that it was relatively easy to change behaviors in order to be culturally appropriate, it was more challenging to incorporate new cultural values and beliefs to develop a more culturally acceptable attitude. When the new cultural values are incompatible with the values of the immigrants‘ country of origin, immigrants experience value conflict. Internal conflicts between two incompatible values can contribute to adjustment problems, and immigrants can experience unpleasant emotions such as anxiety (Constantine et al., 2005; Yeh & Inose, 2002). Even without the experience of value conflicts, immigrants experience adjustment difficulties while dealing with unfamiliar cultural practices and customs (Yeh, & Inose, 2002). In addition, adherence to the values of the country of origin can affect immigrants‘ adjustment negatively (Shim & Schwartz, 2007). Therefore, it is crucial for immigrants to learn and make sense of the new cultural practices, values, and beliefs, and reconcile differences between two cultures to achieve cross cultural adjustment. It seems that some participants had a relatively easier time incorporating new cultural values and practices whereas some had more difficulties doing it. More study on the personal characteristics that enable immigrants to reconcile the differences between their culture of origin and the new culture can provide useful knowledge to help immigrants struggle between two incompatible cultural practices. I classified factors that facilitated adjustment into three categories: interpersonal factors (e.g., having people offering help and having social support), external factors (e.g., getting a job and resolution of financial problems) and internal factors (e.g., changing attitudes, will power, and physical health). Other studies have found that it is important to have social support networks for immigrants and international students‘ adjustment in a foreign country (Constantine et al., 2005; Yeh, & Inose, 2002; Yeh et al., 2005). Participants in this study reported relatively fewer positive experiences related to their adjustment compared to their adjustment struggles. This may imply that they are still dealing with more adjustment problems than resolution of the problems although they have been in America for several years. Participants reported experiencing changes in behaviors, life styles, attitudes, ways of thinking, and interpersonal relationships as a result of living in America and experiencing American culture. Participants made some of the changes voluntarily after experiencing a different culture, ideas, and life styles, because they learned the new culture (e.g., cultural practices, social system, and culturally appropriate behaviors) and changed their preferences.
56 Learning behavioral and cultural norms of the new culture is necessary for immigrants‘ adjustment (Taylor, 1994). Participants learned American culture though experiencing life in America and observing and interacting with Americans. Close contact with people in the new country facilitated changes for immigrants (Amarasingham, 1980). Some changes happened naturally as a result of living in a foreign environment. For example, some participants experienced changes in their comfort level with English or American life after living in America for several years. Immigrants experienced changes to fit in better in the new cultural environment and it usually helped them adjust (Berry & Kim, 1998; Ward et al., 2001; Ying & Liese, 1994). In this study, the participants made changes that not only served to enhance their adjustment but also increased their understanding about the world around them. In other words, some of the internal changes that they experienced were related to major changes in their core constructs helping them grow personally. This suggests that, although immigration is a challenging and stressful experience, something positive can stem from painful experiences. More study on the ways to promote positive changes for immigrants can be useful to help immigrants who struggle with difficulties associated with immigration. PCP application for understanding immigration experiences One of the purposes for this study was to understand immigration experiences using Personal Construct Psychology (PCP) theory because PCP has potential to offer unique perspectives for acculturation process. In this section, I will apply Personal Construct Psychology to conceptualize the participants‘ experiences of living in America in this study. I will focus on four aspects of participants‘ experiences in this analysis. First, I will use the concept of a ROLE relationship to understand their interpersonal relationship experiences in the new county. Second, I will explore relationships between language, ROLE relationships, and the process of meaning making. Third, I will examine how the experience of invalidation affected participants‘ adjustment experiences. Lastly, I will focus on participants‘ experience of reconstruction of construct systems as a result of experiencing American culture. A ROLE relationship and immigration. A ROLE relationship is an intimate and close connection between two people based on the construction of each other‘s construing process. Without ROLE relationships, life is empty and meaningless (Leitner & Faidley, 1995). Although some participants developed somewhat meaningful relationships in America, all of the participants experienced difficulties in developing ROLE relationships with both Koreans and non-Koreans in America. It appears that the factors that facilitate relationships with people in a new country are not always related to factors facilitate the development of a ROLE relationship. For example, the only factor that facilitated participants‘ relationships with Koreans in America was necessity, but it interfered with participants developing ROLE relationships with other Koreans sometimes. When people engage in relationships to satisfy their needs, they might be able to get what they need, but it does not guarantee meaningful and satisfactory long term relationships.
57 Focusing on relationships out of necessity might be a way of avoiding ROLE relationships. When we only focus on what the other person can offer, our understanding of the other person may be limited. In addition, if we are only interested in fulfilling our needs through the relationship, we would not share our construing process with the other because disclosing core constructs always is accompanied by the risk of invalidation (Leitner, 1985; Leitner & Faidley, 1995). In other words, we may not want to take a risk of invalidation when it is unnecessary to disclose our core constructs in relationships. Developing a ROLE relationship involves two people who are interested in understanding each other‘s construing process (Leitner 1985; Leitner & Faidley, 1995). Therefore, the other person would not be able to develop a ROLE relationship with us if we do not share our construing process in relationship. Participants in this study found that need based relationships satisfied their immediate needs (e.g., getting necessary help for their initial settlement in America, collecting useful information for daily living in America, or finding someone who could spend time with them when they felt bored). Therefore, Korean immigrants developed relationships with other Koreans out of necessity. However, engaging in relationships for these reasons did not make participants feel satisfied with their relationships in America. Indeed, some of the participants‘ dissatisfaction about their relationships with Koreans in America was related to the superficiality of need based relationships. Participants found that need based relationships did not last long because people only associated with others who could provide what they need. Therefore, as their needs changed, the person they needed to associate with also tended to change. Relationships based upon need are one of the characteristics of relationships within the Korean community in America. Participants‘ reports on their experiences of relationships with Koreans in America indicate that relationship characteristics among Koreans in America are somewhat different from that in Korea. It seems that some of the unique relationship patterns within the Korean community in America (mostly Korean international students‘ community in America since most of participants belong to the international student community) were related to their unique situation, and they serve an important role in limiting ROLE relationships. Most of the international students in this study came to America with specific goals in mind (e.g., getting a Ph.D. degree) and some of them were clear about moving back to Korea once they achieved the goal. Developing a ROLE relationship requires time, effort, and long term commitment (Leitner, 1985). However, participants‘ experience of time pressure and the perception of the temporary nature of relationships in America limited their motivation for investing in close relationships in America. Although some participants were aware of the importance of having meaningful conversations involving disclosure of core constructs (i.e., values, beliefs, and worldviews) to develop satisfactory and intimate relationships with others, they were not willing to take the risk of trying such relationships
58 because they felt that, in their sub-culture, it was not common to disclose one‘s core to others. In other words, participants‘ unwillingness to invest in developing ROLE relationships was related to their desire to avoid invalidation experiences in a foreign environment. Maintaining superficial relationships with others in a foreign situation is a safe way of preserving one‘s sense of self. When moving to a foreign place, a person has opportunities to socialize with people who are different from the people usually associated with in the old country. Some participants in this study recognized the differences between people who they used to socialize with in Korea and in America. Their perception of differences between them and other Koreans whom they met in America affected their way of relating to them. Specifically, some participants felt that they had to make more effort to develop relationships with Koreans in America because of the perception of differences. Some participants were hesitant to share their core meaning making process with other Koreans because they expected that the others may not understand them and, therefore, invalidate their construing process. Developing a ROLE relationship always has the potential danger of invalidation of one‘s core since it involves sharing of one‘s core construing process (Leitner, 1985). As Kelly‘s (1955) individuality corollary suggests, individuals have different ways of construing their experiences, and some individuals‘ core ROLE constructs will be incompatible with each other. Therefore, an optimally functioning person does not attempt to develop a ROLE relationship with everyone (Leitner and Pfenninger, 1994). It seems that some participants were hesitant to open themselves to others when they recognized differences between them or they sensed that the others wanted to have superficial relationships (e.g., Jun noticed that Koreans did not talk about their worldviews and personal things and only talked about safe topics such as traveling experiences in America when they get together). It could be their way of discriminating individuals who are more likely to invalidate their core. Participants in this study could develop some satisfactory relationships with non- Koreans in America, but most of them did not develop ROLE relationships with them. It seems that participants could easily be satisfied with their relationships with non-Koreans because they had lower expectations for the relationships with them. In other words, because participants did not think that it would be possible to develop close and meaningful relationships, they were satisfied with any kind of relationship in America (e.g., Yuri experienced her relationships with people in her department as positive just because they were nice to her.) Thus, participants‘ anticipation about their relationships with non Koreans was validated when they had some kind of interaction with non Koreans. Some participants reported developing a close relationship that involved some understanding about each other with a few people who are not Koreans. For example, Yuri could have some meaningful conversations with her housemates who were in a similar situation as she was, and Sohee got close to a couple of American friends who initiated a relationship with her. From the experience of the participants, two important factors that
59 increased the possibility for developing a ROLE relationship were similarities (e.g., culture, financial situation, age, interests, gender, and shared activities) and non-American‘s positive attitude toward participants or Korea. It seems that both similarities between two persons and positive attitudes toward the other decrease possibilities for invalidating experiences in relationships. When two person share similarities in culture, age, interests, financial situation, and gender, there is higher possibility that they share similar constructs. Hence, participants might feel that there was less chance for invalidation as long as they related to the person from the other country based on their similarities. Another possible explanation for participants‘ preference for similar people was that similarities are more noticeable to them. When people are exposed to a foreign environment, they recognize similarities more than differences (McCoy, 1980). Although some focus on looking for the exotic, the exotic that they can find is based on what they are familiar with (McCoy, 1980). Participants also desired to invest in relationships with non-Koreans when non Koreans expressed an interest in getting to know participants or Korean culture. This attitude was important to them because it signified the non-Koreans‘ willingness to understand the construing process of participants and to validate Korean culture. Such a validating attitude can bring positive emotions such as love and happiness (McCoy, 1977), and therefore motivate immigrants to open themselves to people in the host country for better understanding of each other. It implies that people in the host country‘s positive attitude toward immigrants can help immigrants‘ develop a ROLE relationship with them. Although some participants reported experiences of having close relationships with people in the United States, most of them talked about their difficulties with developing relationships with Americans. There are several factors that related to participants‘ difficulties in developing relationships with Americans (e.g., differences between participants and Americans including language and cultural differences, participants‘ perceptions of Americans in relationship, and Americans‘ unfavorable attitudes toward participants). Here, I will focus on how differences between participants and Americans, the participants‘ perception of Americans in relationship and Americans‘ unfavorable attitudes toward participants affected participants‘ difficulties in developing ROLE relationships. Because language is one of the most significant factors that influence a ROLE relationship and meaning making process, I will discuss issues with language separately under the ―language, a ROLE relationship, and meaning making process‖. It is important to understand the others‘ experiences in order to develop a close relationship. It seems that differences (e.g., culture, interests, age, etc.) between the participants and others contributed to their difficulties with relating to the other‘s meaning making process. Although some participants could make sense of people who are different from them, differences in culture between participants and others challenged the participants‘ ability to understand the other‘s construing process. People need flexible constructs in order
60 to understand construing process of people who are different from them. Flexibility is defined as ―the ability to construe alternative constructions‖ (Leitner and Pfenninger, 1994, p.122). When people encounter others who cannot be understood by their construct systems, they perceive the others as different from them. People with flexible construct systems can generate alternative constructions to make sense of others, but people with inflexible construct systems have difficulty understanding others whom they perceive to be different. Culture is an important factor affecting one‘s construction of the world and one‘s experiences. People in the same culture also may behave similarly in the same situation because their behavior is based on their understanding of the others‘ expectation in that situation (Kelly, 1955). Culture also provides people common experiences and ways to make sense of the world around them. Therefore, not sharing the same culture may mean not sharing similar experiences growing up and similar constructions of the world. Participants experienced more challenges in developing relationships with people who did not share the same culture as them because of the lack of shared constructs. For example, Mirae said that her international friends who were not from Asia had difficulties understanding what she talked about. Jun also found that differences between him and Americans in presenting ideas, which he attributed to cultural differences in process of meaning making, generated miscommunication. Culture also provides culturally appropriate ways of relating to other people. People who do not share the same culture may feel uncertain about the culturally preferred interpersonal style of the other person and, therefore, they may behave more carefully around people from the other culture. Moreover, people can hold some assumptions about the other‘s preferred interpersonal style based on the other‘s culture; these assumptions can limit their developing an understanding about the other person. Some participants found that their perception of American‘s preferred interpersonal style restricted their relationship with them. For example, Mirae found that Americans valued privacy and Sohee thoughts that Americans were strict about their routine. Because they attributed the interpersonal style that they experienced with Americans to cultural preferences, it limited their exploration of each Americans preference about relationships to some degree. In addition, because they perceived that Americans‘ preferred interpersonal style as different from Koreans, they felt less comfortable engaging in deep relationship with them. When people in the host country show a lack of interest in developing a ROLE relationship with foreigners, it affects immigrants‘ ability to form a ROLE relationship with people in the new country. For example, discrimination based on race or language limits immigrants‘ opportunities to develop close relationships with people in the new country. A ROLE relationship is a mutual relationship that requires two people who are equally invested in understanding each others‘ worldview and experiences. Developing a ROLE relationship is extremely difficult when a person holds stereotypes and prejudices when interacting with the
61 other person. It is important for each person in a ROLE relationship to try to understand the subjective experiences of the other in order to have a successful ROLE relationship. Participants‘ talked about their experiences of being treated differently, feeling misunderstood by Americans, and feeling like an outsider in America. Such experiences reflect the constraints of developing a ROLE relationship with Americans as an immigrant. Overall, most participants recognized the importance of close and intimate relationships that involves genuine interests and understanding of the other person‘s values, beliefs, and experience in the world. The presence of close and intimate relationships facilitated participants‘ adjustment in America. This implies that concept of a ROLE relationship is valued in Korea as well as in the Western world. All of the work on ROLE relationships has been done in Western countries. So, the participants‘ ideas about meaningful relationships provide cross cultural validation of the importance of a ROLE relationship. However, they complained about the absence of a ROLE relationship in America for various reasons. It seems that they tended to be more cautious about opening up their core construing to others in America. Additionally, they faced more challenges in developing close and meaningful relationships with non-Koreans because of the perceived differences between them. The perception of differences interferes with participants‘ ability to make sense of them in relationship. In general, perception of similarities increases the chance for developing a ROLE relationship whereas perception of differences makes people lose motivation for investing in relationship. Immigrants can use perception of similarities and differences to discriminate between who they can trust among people in the new country. This implies that, if immigrants find more similarities between them and people in the new country, they may feel more comfortable developing close relationships with them and visa versa. Most of studies on immigrants‘ relationships with people in the new country only emphasize the importance of language and cultural factors in their relationships. More studies on how immigrants‘ perception of similarities and differences with people in the new country is formed will be helpful in understanding ways in which immigrants make sense of people in the new country. In addition, it would be useful to explore characteristics of constructs (e.g., flexibility and openness) that help people increase understanding about people who are different from them. Language, a ROLE relationship, and meaning making process. When people migrate to a foreign country, acquiring the language of the new country is essential for their survival and thriving in the new environment. Speaking in a foreign language can affect immigrants‘ experience of relationships, self-concept, and experiences in the world. All of the participants in this study expressed some degree of difficulties associated with English and four of them experienced difficulties socializing with people while speaking in English. In addition, three participants reported changes associated with learning and using English. One of the factors that limited the participants‘ chances to develop a ROLE
62 relationship with Americans was the participants‘ struggle with the language. A language barrier can interfere with a person‘s desire to invest time and effort in understanding the other person. Developing a ROLE relationship always is accompanied by a risk of invalidation even when two people who are involved in a ROLE relationship use the same language. Not surprisingly, then, two people who are using different languages will have more challenges in understanding each other‘s construing process. Moreover, immigrants may give up the idea of sharing their core constructs with people in the new country because they do not know how to express their constructs in a foreign language (Doh & Leitner, 2004). Participants felt invalidated in their interaction with people with whom they had to communicate in English. First of all, when they tried to engage in conversations with English speaking people, they experienced difficulties understanding what the others talked about. Their difficulties with making sense of the content of the conversation frustrated them and interfered with their chance to explore the stories that Americans shared with them. These kinds of experiences invalidated their constructions of self because, as adults, they did not expect to have problems understanding what others talk about in conversations. Some reported that their difficulties with following conversations among Americans was not entirely related to their lack of knowledge about English vocabularies but related to their lack of understanding of the cultural context. Kelly (1955) stated, ―Communication is a matter of reproducing the symbolic element in hopes of eliciting a parallel construct in another person‖ (p.140). In order to elicit a parallel construct, two people need to have a shared understanding of the language and the culture that the language is based on. However, because participants did not have shared experiences about the content of the conversation, they failed to understand what the others tried to share through language. The inability to understand the others‘ construing process is a major challenge for immigrants developing a ROLE relationship with people in the new country. Further, when participants tried to share their construing process with English speaking people, they could not express their feelings and thoughts accurately and appropriately. They also felt that speaking in English limited what they could share with people. Immigrants‘ difficulties with communicating their construing process can make people in the new country struggle to understand them, and therefore hesitant to develop relationships with immigrants. The problems with language and communication influenced self concept and personality. Language affects the formation of a person‘s identity because language is a fundamental medium of cognitive activities that helps us build our self concepts (Gemignani, 1999). When a person is speaking in an unfamiliar language, the person is more likely to struggle with expressing thoughts and feelings compared to speaking in a native language. The person might be more conscious about other‘s response when speaking in a foreign language because the person is unsure about how messages will come across. The person‘s
63 experience of self can change when the person speaks in foreign language due to the changes in the experiences of communicating ideas in a foreign language. Additionally, the other‘s response to the person speaking in a foreign language can contribute to the changes in the person‘s perception of self. In other words, the person can develop a new way of understanding self in relation to the language that the person speaks. This reconstruction of self also can affect the person‘s personality when the person speaks in foreign language. The participants experienced frustration and anxiety when they spoke in English and their struggles with the language negatively affected their self-concept. When they spoke in English, they experienced themselves differently than when they spoke in Korean (invalidation of self concept), and it also made their experience of communicating in English unpleasant. In other words, when they conversed with English speaking people, they were not the person that they were in Korea (confident, age appropriate, and adequate) and they developed a new construct of self (inadequate, anxious, and talking like a child). Sohee, in particular, developed a negative self concept (talking like a child) due to her struggle with English and, consequently, experienced changes in her personality (a quiet and shy person) when she spoke in English. This unpleasant experience of self can be threatening and immigrants can avoid interaction with English speaking people to preserve a positive self- concept. In addition, because immigrants cannot be fully themselves when they speak in a foreign language, people in the host country might not be able to experience the immigrants the way they are when they speak in their native language. Therefore, people in the host country only can have limited knowledge and understanding about immigrants, interfering with their ability to develop a ROLE relationship with immigrants. Anxiety was the most common emotional experience that participants reported associated with speaking in English. A person experiences anxiety ―when the events of the world invalidate our construing of them‖ (Leitner, 1985, p.87). Participants‘ inability to communicate clearly in English could result in the experience of invalidation because they failed to deliver their message accurately and the other person might not understand the message. As they acquired necessary skills for communicating in English and felt more sure about their ability to convey their message in English, their anxiety might subside. Minho‘s experience of speaking in English suggests another possibility of language limiting the development of a ROLE relationship. He claimed that he could not experience emotion while speaking in English and it made him feel disconnected from the person he interacted with. He also stated that a friend who was more acculturated to American culture than him had similar experiences. This indicates the importance of emotional experience in order to be totally present and engage in relationship. In other words, if a person is not connected to emotion while interacting with the other person, it would be difficult to understand the other person‘s experience in the relationship as well. There were some positives associated with speaking in English. Mirae‘s experience
64 with speaking in English indicates that it can help people to talk about their core constructs with less inhibition. Mirae found that, when she spoke in English, she tended to be more honest than when she spoke in Korean. In Korean, she could camouflage her core construing process with using sophisticated, ambiguous, vague, and abstract expressions, but, in English, she could not camouflage her core construing process. She only could communicate in a simple and direct way and, in some ways, it helped her reveal core construing process. Although she could not communicate her complex construing process when speaking in English, which limited a ROLE relationship in some ways, she honestly shared her core construing in a simple manner, which could facilitate a ROLE relationship with English speaking people. Mirae also reported that she changed her communication style as a result of observing Americans‘ communication style. From her observation, she found that it is acceptable to express exaggerated emotions and to say ―No‖ in English. She could identify the differences in acceptable communication style between Korean and English through her observation of American‘s communication style. Although her experiences of American‘s communication style invalidated her idea of an acceptable communication style (e.g., it is important to abide by formality in communication), she was open to exploring Americans‘ communication style and adopt it into her constructs. In some ways, her experience of changes in her preferred communication style related to contrast reconstruction. Contrast reconstruction is ―simply changing from one pole of a construct to the contrasting pole‖ (Leitner, Begley, and Faidley, 1996, p.336). Mirae thought exaggerating emotion or saying ―No‖ was unacceptable when she was in Korea, but, in America, through observation of Americans‘ communication style, she found that such a communication style can be acceptable. Now, she prefers Americans‘ communication style and practices it when she speaks in English. However, she still maintains the Korean communication style when she speaks in Korean. The fragmentation corollary is useful in explaining how she can practice two incompatible communication styles. The fragmentation corollary states ―a person may successively employ a variety of construction subsystems which are inferentially incompatible with each other‖ (Kelly, 1955, p.83). Because she understands different cultural expectations on appropriate communication style, she could practice both in different cultural context. Overall, although there were some positive experiences and changes associated with leaning and mastering a foreign language, participants‘ struggles with English made them experience more invalidation and difficulty in developing ROLE relationships in America. Consequently, all of the invalidation experiences and absence of ROLE relationships made their adjustment in the new country more difficult. In addition, some participants develop a negative self construct because of their struggle with English and some participants develop a new understanding about appropriate communication style in America. There are not many
65 studies on how learning a new language affects immigrants‘ psychological process such as changes in self-concept, personality, and their understanding of the world around them. Study on psychological impact of learning a new language will add more understanding about how immigration experiences influence people. Validation, invalidation, and adjustment. When people move from one culture to another, they are likely to encounter situations that are unfamiliar to them in the new country. Sometimes they cannot make sense of their experiences and sometimes others may treat them differently than they anticipated. When a person‘s experiences are not consistent or compatible with the person‘s constructs, the person‘s constructs are invalidated (Kelly, 1955). Experiences of invalidation can affect the construction of the new culture as well as the immigrant‘s adjustment to the new culture. The participants reported various experiences that invalidated their constructs (e.g., struggles to understand English, difficulties with making sense of the way they are treated in America, and challenges to understand differences between the two cultures). The participants‘ experiences of invalidation affected their adjustment negatively. I already discussed invalidation experiences resulting from participants‘ struggles with language. Struggles with a foreign language provide the most fundamental aspect of an invalidation experience for immigrants because they cannot make sense of their experience with people in the new country when they cannot understand what others communicate. However, language is just the beginning of the invalidation experiences for immigrants. Participants also found that they could not understand or predict some of their experiences in America using their constructs because there were differences between their experiences in Korea and in America. For example, some of the participants stated that they noticed they were treated differently than Americans. They believed this was potentially due to their inability to speak like a native speaker and/or their skin color. Participants in this study came from a country where they were a part of majority. However, upon moving to America, they became a racial minority with a language disability. Their construction of the world was based on their majority status until encountering situations in the new country that invalidated their constructs of being in the majority. With changes in their status, participants could not predict their experience initially. They were treated differently from when they were in Korea and they had to figure out ways to explain their experiences in the new country. Ultimately, this process is accompanied by many doubts and confusions. As they lived in America longer, participants developed new constructs that were based on their new identity, a racial minority with a language disability. When people move to a new country, they bring with them their own values, beliefs, and worldviews. Some of these values and worldviews are compatible with the new culture, but there are also new situations that challenge their personal values, beliefs, and worldviews. These kinds of situations often can invalidate and confuse people. When people confront
66 situations that invalidate their constructs repeatedly, they feel a pressure to modify their construct systems in order to adjust to the new environment. However, in order to modify their construct systems to be adaptable in this new culture, they have to be able to understand the new culture first. When foreigners only experience invalidation without an understanding of the new culture, they can easily feel lost and confused. Participants expressed confusion related to the discrepancy between Korean and American cultural beliefs and practices. It seems that participants who have close contact with Americans experienced more internal conflicts between their values, beliefs, and worldviews and those of Americans. For example, Yuri struggled more with experiences of invalidation because she had more chance to closely observe and interact with Americans and witnessed Americans‘ values and beliefs that were incompatible with hers. As a result, she experienced challenges to her core constructs. In the process of transitioning from her old core constructs to new ones, Yuri struggled to make sense of the world around her. Her confusion about her experiences was caused by the fact that her old core constructs could not help her maintain her identity and existence but her new core constructs were not securely established yet. Although most of the participants struggled with the experience of invalidation at some point while trying to make sense of the new cultural environment, not everybody responded in the same fashion to the invalidation. People are not a passive recipient of their environment. People choose the evidence that they consider as experiences of validation or invalidation. People also choose how they respond to the experiences of validation and invalidation (Leitner, Begley, & Faidley, 1996). When constructs are invalidated by the environment, people can try to change their environment instead of modifying constructs to preserve the integrity of their construct system. Constructivists term this hostility. Hostility is ―the unwillingness to change a construct even though it has been invalidated‖ (Leitner, 1985, p.87). Among participants, Minho responded in the most hostile manner to the experience of invalidation in America. His way of preserving his construct systems was focusing on negative aspects of Americans and American society. By developing negative feelings and opinions about Americans, he could protect his constructs from being influenced by invalidation from Americans. This could be related to the permeability of his construct systems. His negative construction about Americans and American society were excessively permeable that he used it to explain and understand all of his experiences in America. In summary, participants‘ experience of invalidation in America was associated with the newness of their experiences: the new language for communicating constructs, the new identity in relation to being a foreigner and racial minority with language problems, and exposure to new values, beliefs, worldviews and practices. The new experiences that are incompatible with their old constructs invalidated participants and challenged their adjustment in the new country. When people‘s constructions are invalidated, they can revise or modify their constructs to make sense of their environment (Kelly, 1955). Most of the
67 participants choose to revise at least part of their constructs or develop new constructs to make sense of their experiences in America. However, this process was accompanied by unpleasant emotions such as anxiety and confusion. Moreover, the experience of invalidation and the process of revising or modifying constructs affected cross cultural adjustment negatively. Minho was the only person who used hostility predominantly to preserve the integrity of his construct systems. According to the AAMAS scores, he used a separation acculturation strategy and the discrepancy between his identification with Korean culture and American culture was the largest among all participants. It is possible that there is some relationship between the separation acculturation strategy and experience of hostility among immigrants, but more research needs to be done to understand the relationship. Changes of constructs. When a person moves to a new culture, it is necessary to make some changes to fit into his or her new surroundings. Participants in this study reported experiencing many changes (e.g., changes in attitude, opinions, interpersonal styles, and thinking) as a result of living in America for an extended period of time. All of the changes were related to changes in their construct systems. Here, I will discuss why some participants decided to make changes to their constructs. The first and the most common reason for changes in constructs was the experience of invalidation. Participants experienced frequent invalidation of their existing constructs in America. Most of the time, when they recognized the differences between them and Americans, they questioned the utility of their constructs in America, which resulted in more serious examination of their own constructs and exploration of American‘s constructs. Most of them adapted Americans‘ constructs or revised their existing constructs to increase predictability of the experiences in the new cultural environment. For example, Yuri experienced invalidation about her attitude toward work when she worked with Americans. Whereas her construction of the right attitude toward a job was working hard without taking a break, she found that her co-workers held a more relaxed attitude toward work while taking frequent breaks. She felt bothered by the invalidation of her work related constructs initially but decided to adopt her American co-workers attitude toward work, which she found more effective. She modified her constructs such that they were closer to Americans through examination of the utility of her constructs and it helped her adjust better in American culture. Some changes come from being introduced to new constructs through new experiences or observing Americans. One of the ways that Kelly (1955) suggested for helping clients form a new construct was providing fresh elements that are relatively unrelated to the old constructs. A client can develop a new construct through the experiencing of the fresh elements and having a validating experience of the new construct (Kelly, 1955). Kelly (1955) defined elements as ―the things or events which are abstracted by a person‘s use of a construct‖ (p. 562). When immigrants move to a new country, they are exposed to new
68 experiences that are not related to their old constructs. Immigrants can develop new constructs to make sense of their experience and, through experimentation of the new way of understanding their cultural environment, they can incorporate the new construct into their existing system. Participants could incorporate the new constructs as long as they were compatible with their existing constructs. The participants‘ ability to incorporate the new experiences into their existing constructs is related by the permeability of their construct systems. Permeable constructs help people make sense of new experiences. People with impermeable construct systems do not let new information enter into their construct systems whereas people with excessively permeable construct systems never experience invalidation of their constructs. Immigrants with impermeable construct systems can feel overwhelmed by needs to reconstrue their construct systems as new experiences will invalidate their constructs constantly. Participants with impermeable construct systems seem to be more confused and make more changes in their construct systems in order to make sense of their new cultural environment and experiences. Sometimes participants encountered situations that partially invalidated their constructs. This motivated them to examine what was missing in their present constructs. They could elaborate their constructs based on the new information and it helped them to develop more complex constructs to explain their experiences. For example, experiencing Americans and the American education system made participants change their opinions about Americans and the American education. Before experiencing Americans and the American education system, participants‘ understanding was simple and fragmentary because it was based on limited information about America. Participants could develop more complex understanding about Americans and their education system after having first hand contact with them because some of their experiences were not explained by their existing constructs. One of the examples for this is that Jun only had positive perception of American higher education system prior to coming to America but after attending graduate school in America, he could see both positive and negative aspects of it. Jun‘s positive experiences with American higher education validated his existing constructs, but his negative experiences with American education invalidated his constructs. People can avoid experiences that can potentially invalidate their constructs to preserve their construct systems because change is too threatening. Jun reported such an experience. He considered new experiences that invalidated his existing constructs as failure experiences and tried new things less to avoid experience of failure. New experiences are necessary for the evaluation and examination of one‘s constructs. Kelly (1955) would consider this reaction as passivity as he refused to elaborate his construct system by avoiding chances to do it. For Kelly, such passivity was problematic. Lastly, some participants reported more fundamental changes or reconstruction in
69 their construct systems. These changes seemed to stem from deep reflection of their experiences and critical examination of their construct systems. For example, Jun talked about the shift of his values from hierarchical to egalitarian. He construed both values as opposite poles of a construct and it seemed that such a bipolar construct was developed as a result of his experiences in America. The transition from one pole to the other was relatively smooth as he engaged in the examination of his constructs in relation to his new experiences. The transition that he made is related to the concept of ―openness‖. Openness is defined by Leitner and Pfenninger (1994) as ―the willingness to reconstrue when invalidated‖ (p. 127). His new experiences in America were not compatible with his hierarchical values and he decided to reconstrue the values that were invalidated. His shift of values also is related to the concept of ―flexibility‖. When he realized that his hierarchical values were not useful to explain his experiences, he developed alternative constructions of egalitarian values that helped him make sense of his experiences better. Some participants did not experience radical changes in their constructs but showed evidence of incorporating actively their new experiences to elaborate and expand their existing constructs. This process made their constructs richer and more complex. For example, Mirae stated how experiencing diverse people and their view points affected the scope of her understanding about diversity. Some participants experienced reconstruction of their core constructs as rather painful and confusing. For example, Yuri reported struggling to expand her understanding about people. She used to apply simple rules to make sense of people, but, as she encountered diverse people holding differing values and beliefs, she realized that she could not judge everybody based on her simple standards. In her search for alternative ways to make sense of diverse people and perspectives, she experienced confusion and chaos. However, she became more open as she began to see the complexity of people and the world around her. All of these changes involved elaboration and expansion of core constructs as a result of incorporating new experiences into her construct system. The participants developed deeper understandings of their experiences and world around them and appreciated the complexity of people as a result of these changes in their core constructs. In summary, the participants‘ construct systems changed in response to being exposed to new ways of thinking, new values and perspectives, and a new culture. Some changes were relatively painless while some changes were accompanied by more resistance and confusion. It seemed that factors such as openness, flexibility, permeability of their constructs as well as the significance of the particular constructs (e.g., core constructs vs. peripheral constructs) affected their experience of reconstruction of their construct systems. More exploration on how characteristics of construct systems relate to immigrants‘ experiences of changes in the new country will provide understanding about how changes in construct systems occur in the new cultural environment. In addition, considering that changes in construct system do not happen at once, a longitudinal study will offer more
70 complete picture on the process of immigrants reconstruing their construct systems in relation to their experiences in the new country. Implication for working with immigrant population Korean immigrants/sojourners‘ experiences in this study provide some information that mental health professionals should pay attention to when working with Korean immigrants/sojourners. Koreans in this study struggled to develop deep and meaningful relationships with both Koreans and non-Koreans although they could develop relationships with Koreans to take care of their basic needs for survival in America. Their relationships with Koreans can help their short-term adjustment for initial settlement, but it does not seem to help them establish new social support systems in the new country. Some participants attributed their difficulties with developing close relationships with Koreans to the unique characteristics of the Korean international student community (e.g., people preferring to maintain superficial relationships because they see the relationships developed in America as temporary). Therapists need to understand the characteristics of immigrants‘ ethnic community in order to better grasp immigrants‘ problems with developing meaningful connection with people from their country of origin. In addition, the participants‘ experience of relationships in America indicated that most of them were not satisfied with having superficial relationships although they were hesitant to take the risk of initiating a ROLE relationship with people they met in America. Immigrants who fail to form close and intimate relationships in the new country might experience their life as empty and meaningless. Interpersonal issues can be one of the important factors that contribute immigrants psychological and adjustment problems. Therefore, it would be beneficial to help immigrants in therapy to develop a ROLE relationship with somebody in the new country (whether they are from their culture or the new culture) for better adjustment. Therapists also need to be aware that sometimes immigrants‘ relationship problems in the new country are not caused by their interpersonal style but result from cultural or situational issues. Some participants in this study who had never had problems developing close and meaningful relationships struggled to form meaningful relationships in America. They had problems developing relationships in America because they were surrounded by people who were significantly different from the people with whom they used to socialize in Korea. The participants especially experienced more difficulties developing relationships with Americans because of cultural and language barriers. Therefore, therapists should not assume that immigrants‘ problems with developing relationships in the new country are due to their interpersonal issues or previous relational wounds. However, therapists also need to be aware that immigrants‘ struggles are not always caused by cultural barriers or language problems. Some of the participants actually had some interpersonal issues in Korea, but their issues intensified as a result of being exposed to a new cultural environment. Hence, it would
71 be important to explore immigrants‘ relationship history while factoring in cultural and situational influence on their experience of relationships in order to have better understanding of the nature of their interpersonal issues. Participants‘ struggles to negotiate the differences between the two cultures also were problematic for them. In other words, they experienced conflict between two incompatible construct systems, and it was difficult to make sense of their new experiences in the new culture. As participants had more experience with American culture and closer contact with Americans, they experienced more invalidation of their existing constructs. Some of them experienced more confusion and difficulties while transitioning from their old constructs to new constructs. Cross cultural adjustment requires some changes in immigrants‘ construct systems because some aspects of their existing construct systems would not be useful in the new culture. Experiences of invalidation can bring unpleasant emotions such as anxiety, fear, threat, hostility and guilt. Therapists need to be aware of the difficulties associated with invalidating experiences caused by the cross cultural adjustment process and help immigrants make sense of their experiences and successfully negotiate conflicts between their old and new cultural constructs. Lastly, some of the participants‘ problems were related to the way they were treated in America. They felt discriminated against, excluded, and marginalized because of their racial minority status and problems with speaking in English. Participants were members of a racial majority in Korea and, therefore, such experiences were foreign to them. Experiences of subtle discrimination or exclusion affect immigrants negatively and therapists need to be aware of the external factors that affect immigrants‘ adjustment. In addition, therapists from the dominant culture can unintentionally invalidate or minimize the impact of the experience of discrimination and marginalization in immigrants‘ mental health. For example, therapists can conceptualize immigrants‘ psychological problems (e.g., feeling of depression, anger, or negative self concepts) resulted from experience of discrimination and marginalization as problems related to immigrants‘ internal problems without considering contextual factors. Moreover, a therapist‘s feelings toward an immigrant client‘s ethnic group can affect the way the therapist treat the immigrant client. Therefore, therapists from the dominant culture need to be aware of their own prejudices or stereotypes about the clients‘ culture and be cognizant of the possibility that their unexamined feelings and thoughts about the immigrant clients‘ culture can affect the relationships between them. Limitation of the current study (suggestion for the future research) Participants. This study only had participants recruited from two cities in the American Midwest. For immigrants, location can play an important role in their experiences. For example, a Korean immigrant living in Korea town in Los Angeles would have different experiences than a Korean immigrant living in a small town in the Midwest where there are no Koreans around him or her. Therefore, some of the experiences that participants reported
72 may not represent all Korean participants‘ immigration experiences in America. In addition, four of the five participants were planning to move back to Korea at some point, and that could influence their attitude toward living in America. Because there was only one participant who permanently immigrated to America, it was not easy to compare the experience of temporary immigrants and permanent immigrants. Lastly, although I tried to diversify participants‘ demographic characteristics as much as I could, all participants‘ ages were very close to each other. All of them were in their thirties. If I recruited participants in different age groups, they might report different experiences. For example, Korean youths who immigrated to America with their families reported that they did not experience significant adjustment problems in America although they thought that their parents experienced more adjustment difficulties (Yeh et al., 2005). These limitations in my study provide directions for future research. Recruiting more Korean immigrants from more diverse backgrounds (i.e., geographical location, purpose for migrating to America, and age) would enhance more understanding about Korean immigrants‘ experiences of living in America. Researcher. I was the only person involved in construing the stories of participants‘ experiences and analyzing their stories to find common themes. This might affect the reliability and validity of this study, although Giorgi (1985) did not mention reliability and validity concerns for his phenomenological approach. In order to increase validity, participants‘ involvement in the study would have been helpful. For example, having participants read stories based on their interviews would give them an opportunity to confirm the content of the story and increase the validity of the story. Such a shift from Giorgi‘s phenomenological method might be helpful in future research. In addition, the similarities between me and my participants (i.e., Korean immigrants in one‘s thirties and coming to America as an adult) are potentially both beneficial and harmful to the study. Because of my similarities to the participants, I could relate to and understand their experiences easily, and participants probably felt more comfortable disclosing their experiences in America to me. However, these similarities in experiences may have affected my conceptualization of their stories. For example, at times during the data analysis, I felt that my participants‘ reality and my reality were too close (i.e., struggles with English and the challenges with forming close relationships with Americans). Therefore, I tried to distance myself psychologically while reading their stories so my experiences would not affect my interpretation of their experiences. My awareness of the similarities between me and my participants might prevent me from misinterpreting their experiences. However, I also recognize the possibility of misinterpreting the participants‘ experiences due to my awareness of the similarities between us.
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78 Appendix A
Informed consent
The purpose of this study is to explore and understand Korean immigrants/international students‘ subjective experience of changes as a result of migrating to America and how these changes contribute personal growth.
You will be interviewed and asked to fill out questionnaires. Each interview will last about one to two hours. I may contact you later to gather more information if it is necessary. The interview will be audio taped.
Participation is voluntary and you are free to withdraw the consent and/or to withdraw from the study at any time. You will not be required to share any information you do not wish to share. There are no foreseeable risks or discomforts to you. There is no deception involved in this study.
The confidentiality of participants will be protected. I will assign an identification number to each participant, and all materials will be collected under the assigned number. Only researchers involved in data analysis will have access to the data.
If you have questions about the study at any time, you are invited to contact either Nah-Ree Doh by phone at 614-851-8571 or by email at [email protected] or Larry Leitner by phone at 513-529-2410 or by email at [email protected]. If you have a question regarding rights of research participants, the participant may contact the Miami University Office for the Advancement of Scholarship and Teaching at 513-529-3734.
I have read the preceding statements and agree to participate in this study. I further attest that I am at least 21 years of age.
Signature of Participant / date
79 Appendix B Supplementary questions Tell me about your experiences in America that you could not understand based on worldviews, values and beliefs that you had before you immigrated? What did you do when you could not understand situations/people? When do you feel challenged about your old ways of thinking/perceiving reality? What did you do when your values, beliefs, and worldviews are challenged? When did you find the way you understand and interpret situations or interactions with people in Korea are useful/not useful in America? What did you do when your old ways of understanding situations do not work any more? What are your thoughts about your ability to understand new situations and how that ability influences your adjustment in America? What are the differences between Korean culture and American culture? How do you make sense out of these differences? What did you do to deal with differences between two cultures? How have these different values, beliefs, and worldviews influenced your adjustment in America? In what ways experiencing different culture has affected your understanding of your own culture? What did you learn about yourself since you came to America? How has new knowledge about your culture and you influenced you? How are you treated in your country and in America? How does that affect your conception of yourself? What kind of changes have you experienced since you came to America? What motivated you to make changes? How do you make a sense out of changes you have experienced in America? Compare American and Korean people. In what ways you are similar to American and in what ways you are different from American? How do your similarities to and differences from American affect your life in America? How many American friends do you have and how much time do you spend with them? How does spending time with American influence you? Is there any particular group of people that you feel more connected to? What factors help you develop relationship with American and what factors interfere with your chance to develop relationship with American? Do you have any close friends from other culture? How does that relationship influence you? What did you learn from intercultural relationships? Remember the first month of being in America and compare that time and now. What are the differences? What changes did you experience in your interpersonal relationships between the first month of being in America and now? What are the positives aspects of migrating to America/experiencing a different
80 culture? How does the experience of different culture and interaction with diverse population have affected you? What kind of personal growth have you experienced?
81 Appendix C
Asian American Multidimensional Acculturation Scale (AAMAS) Instructions: Use the scale below to answer the following questions. Please circle the number that best represents your view on each item. Please note that reference to “Asian” hereafter refers to Asians in America and not Asia. Not very well Somewhat Very well 1 2 3 4 5 6 1. How well do speak the language of -- a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. English? 1 2 3 4 5 6 2. How well do you understand the language of -- a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. English? 1 2 3 4 5 6 3. How well do you read and write in the language of -- a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. English? 1 2 3 4 5 6 4. How often do you listen to music or look at movies and magazines from a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 5. How much do you like the food of - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 6. How often do you eat the food of - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7. How knowledgeable are you about the history of - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6
82 Not very well Somewhat Very well 1 2 3 4 5 6 8. How knowledgeable are you about the culture and traditions of - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 9. How much do you practice the traditions and keep the holidays of - a. your own Asian ethnic culture? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian cultures? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream culture? 1 2 3 4 5 6 10. How much do you identify with - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 11. How much do you feel you have in common with people from - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 12. How much do you interact and associate with people from - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 13. How much would you like to interact and associate with people from - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 14. How proud are you to be part of - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 *15. How negative do you feel about people from - a. your own Asian ethnic group? 1 2 3 4 5 6 b. other Asian groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6 c. the White mainstream groups? 1 2 3 4 5 6
*Reverse worded item.
83 AAMAS Description and Scoring Instructions AAMAS is an orthogonal measure that assesses acculturation to three different cultural dimensions: Culture of Origin (AAMAS-CO), Asian American culture (AAMAS-AA), and European American culture (AAMAS-EA). The pan-ethnic Asian American (AAMAS-AA) acculturation dimension is unique to the AAMAS. If this dimension is not of interest to the researcher and there is a compelling need for a shorter measure, it can be left out by eliminating option ―b‖ under each item. However, in order to maintain orthogonality, at least two cultural dimensions must be assessed at the same time.
Three Cultural Dimension Scales: Name of Scale What it measures Culture of Origin (AAMAS-CO) Acculturation to one‘s own culture of origin Asian Americans (AAMAS-AA) Pan-ethnic Asian American culture European Americans (AAMAS-EA) Host society‘s European American culture
Four Acculturation Domain Subscales Within each of the cultural dimension scales above are 4 subscales assessing specific domains of acculturation: Name of Scale No. of Items Language 4 Items 1-4 Food Consumption 2 Items 5-6 Cultural Knowledge 3 Items 7-9 Cultural Identity 6 Items 10-15 Reliability Data for Cultural Dimension Scales Internal Consistency Range Test-Retest: 2 week interval AAMAS-CO .87 to .91 .89 AAMAS-AA .78 to .83 .75 AAMAS-EA. .76 to .81 .78
Reliability Data for Acculturation Domain Subscales Internal Consistency in 2 Studies AAMAS-CO AAMAS-AA AAMAS-EA Language .84 .76 .85 .84 .82 .87 Food Consumption .71 .65 .79 .68 .71 .68 Cultural Knowledge .77 .89 .77 .66 .71 .67 Cultural Identity .79 .79 .70 .72 .78 .74
84 Instructions for Scoring the AAMAS
1. Item #15 needs to be reverse scored: To reverse the score: 1 should be changed to 6 2 ― ― 5 3 ― ― 4 4 ― ― 3 5 ― ― 2 6 ― ― 1
2. Calculate the total score for each scale: a) AAMAS-CO add together all of the responses to ―a‖ (your own Asian ethnic group) for all 15 items b) AAMAS-AA add together all of the responses to ―b‖ (other Asian groups) for all 15 items c) AAMAS-EA add together all of the responses to ―c‖ (the White mainstream groups) for all 15 items
3. Divide the total score for each cultural dimension by 15 to obtain the scale score.
85 Appendix D Demographic information 1. Age:______2. Gender: M F 3. Years of staying in America:______4. Marital status: single married divorced 5. What do you do in America? ______6. Why did you come to America? ______
86 Appendix E Interview transcripts Jun Interview #1 I: Could you tell me about your life in America? What kind of experiences have you had in America?
P: (Laugh). What experience? Give me more specific question.
I: Any experiences that you had in America that you think are meaningful.
P: (Silence). I cannot think of any.
I: Have you experienced any changes since you came to America compared to your life in Korea?
P: I cannot think of any. What would that be?
I: How would you describe your life in America?
P: (Silence). It is a difficult question to me. I think your question is difficult to answer because it is based on Americans‘ way of thinking. Differences in ways of thinking between Asians and European can be due to the differences in education. For example, when Asians such as Koreans and Chinese write an address, they start from the largest unit such as the name of the city and move to a smaller unit, but Americans write the smallest unit such as name of a street first and move to larger unit. This may reflect the differences in ways of thinking between Asians and Americans. Americans always think about their personal experiences (since self is the smallest unit). So if someone asks, ―Tell me about your experiences‖, they would have easier access to their stories. They tend to focus on their own experiences, so it is easier for them to talk about themselves. But, I think that Asians, well, I cannot speak for every Asian, but at least I have difficulty answering the question because when I think of experience, I think of my entire experiences instead of a small segment of my daily life experience. I do not know where to start.
I: You said that there are differences in ways of thinking between Koreans and Americans. Do you think that such differences have affected your interactions with Americans?
P: I found that my teachers and I have opposite ways of unfolding ideas.
87 I: Could you explain it more?
P: Like the way Koreans and Americans write address, sometimes, I start with a big idea and progress into smaller parts, but my American teachers start with smaller ideas and expand them into a big concept. So sometimes I am puzzled because I am not sure why they talk about certain things. I found that, often times, the way I stated my ideas and what they expected to hear were opposites like I started from a big concept and developed it into the small parts, but they expected me to say smaller parts first and develop them into a big picture and visa versa. So they were also puzzled about why I said what I said. If we have enough time to talk, then we can hear the entire story from each other, which helps us to understand each other‘s story. However, when we only have time for small talk, there is more room for miscommunication. We miss each other‘s point easily because we do not have the same way of stating stories. What I say and what the other person expects to hear are different, so it is not easy to continue the conversation. So, the differences in the ways of thinking between me and Americans become a barrier in developing relationships.
I: Especially when you have small talk with Americans or communicate in a school setting?
P: In the school setting, if I only have a few minutes to talk such as talking about my opinion in the middle of class or giving a short answer for a teacher‘s question in class, I feel nervous. I feel nervous about giving an answer that the teacher does not expect.
I: You mean that the discrepancy of expectations between you and your teacher makes you feel nervous?
P: Although we talk about the same phenomenon, we focus on different aspects. For example, my teacher is talking about an ―A‖ aspect of the phenomenon, but I talk about a ―B‖ aspect of the same phenomenon. We talk about the phenomenon the way it makes sense to us, but we think differently, so the way we state the phenomenon is different.
I: How long have you lived in America?
P: This time, almost four years. I was in America for several months 10 years ago.
I: Did you know about the way Americans think before you came to America?
P: No, I did not.
88 I: Do you think that knowing Americans‘ way of thinking has affected you?
P: (Silence). I don‘t think so.
I: Did it help you recognize the differences between people from different cultures?
P: Yes. Also, recognizing differences restricted my interpersonal relationships. My desk is in the middle of my office, so I run into my office mates a lot. But I only say, ―Hi‖, to them usually. At times, when I feel more comfortable talking, I say, ―How are you doing?‖
I: Did you make some friends in your program?
P: I made few friends while I was working on a master‘s degree. At that time, I had more spare time, and they also had more spare time. So we had time to sit and talk about different things. By spending time together, we could develop a feeling of closeness. But, now, we are busy with our studies, so we only exchange a few words here and there.
I: Do you feel that your relationships with others are more superficial in America than in Korea?
P: That sounds right.
I: Do you think that if you had more time to invest in developing relationships in America, you could have closer relationships with Americans?
P: Are you talking about the possibility to develop closer relationships with Americans or my desire to develop closer relationships with them?
I: Both.
P: I would say that it is possible to develop closer relationships with Americans if I have enough time to do it, but I do not have the time to develop closer relationships with them.
I: Do you mean that because you do not have time to develop closer relationships with them, you do not want to get closer to them?
P: Because interpersonal relationships not only require time but also require other efforts, I do not want to get closer to them.
89 I: How do you feel about having superficial relationships with others in America?
P: I have no feelings about that. Ironically, I study how to utilize relationships optimally. My research topic is figuring out ways in which relationships can bring the most positive effects, but I do not practice my research topic.
I: Could you explain it more?
P: The focus of my study is that understanding how interpersonal relationships can affect society and the economy, but I am not investing my time and effort in developing relationships with others.
I: So, you do not invest in relationships and have superficial relationships with others in America. Do you think that the biggest difference between your life in America and Korea is your relationships with people?
P: Probably. I have a lot of things to do in America within a limited time frame, so I do not have time or energy to invest in developing relationships with others.
I: So the differences in your relationships with people between Korea and America are caused by the situational reasons?
P: Right. It is not because I am in America or because of other cultural reasons. I cannot develop close relationships with others in America because I have time restraints.
I: You have been in America for several years. Have you experienced any changes as a result of being exposed to the American culture?
P: I have not experienced any changes. Most Koreans are already exposed to the American culture even they are in Korea, and people who come to America are usually exposed to the American culture more than the average Koreans. Among Koreans who come to America, I believe that I was exposed to the American culture more than the most of them even before I came to America.
I: Do you think that you already experienced changes when you came to America 10 years ago?
P: I thought I experienced some changes at that time. Compared to that time, I do not think I
90 experienced any more changes this time. The only differences between 10 years ago and now are the place I live and the people around me.
I: In what ways do you think you have been influenced by the American culture before coming to America?
P: Well… (Silence). What was the question?
I: You said that you were already exposed to the American culture before coming to America.
P: I think that current Korean society is heavily influenced by American culture to the point that it is a part of American culture. So, I think that the Korean people can experience American culture in Korea.
I: Are there any differences between the Korean and American cultures?
P: I think that current Korean culture focuses too much on outcomes and ignores fundamentally important things such as ethics, underlying purpose, or spirituality. Current Korean society puts too much emphasis on outcome whereas I feel that the American society still pays attention to fundamentally important things.
I: For example?
P: Patriotism or social order that kind of things.
I: Social order?
P: Not cutting in line, that kind of thing.
I: Standing in line, that kind of thing?
P: Americans seems to think that waiting is the right thing to do.
I: Do you think that Koreans are more likely to cut in line?
P: I would not say that, but Koreans are not really good at waiting.
I: You mean Koreans are impatient?
91 P: Right. They want to see the outcome as soon as possible. They are not patient enough to pay attention to the process. For example, standing in line to pay for goods is one of the processes of buying goods, but Koreans do not like that process. They want to own goods without going through all the process.
I: So you think that the Korean culture is more oriented to outcome and American culture is more oriented to process?
P: Yes.
I: How about you?
P: I am an impatient person. So I am closer to an outcome oriented person.
I: So you are similar to the most Koreans. Can you think of any other differences between the Korean and American cultures such as life style or value?
P: Well… I think Koreans tend to be selfish, but they care about how others would perceive themselves. Koreans‘ perceptions of themselves are not based on their own standpoint. Americans are opposite of Koreans in that regard. I mean that Americans are considerate of others, but they do not live their lives based on other‘s standard. I heard this from a Korean who has lived in America for decade that he was in an accident once, and it was not his fault. After the accident occurred, the other car‘s driver came out of the car with his friends. He thought that the other driver‘s friends would take the side of the other driver, but they told the other driver that it was his fault.
I: So they were objective.
P: Well…According to him, they did it because they could be him in other situations. They want others to be fair to them in that kind of situation, so they were fair to him. He said that the fairness is the power of the American society. It can be interpreted as Americans having high morality, but reversely, it can be also interpreted as Americans being selfish. Americans collectively act in the right way so they can prevent themselves from the potential future disadvantages.
I: Do you think that you are influenced by Americans‘ tendency to act in the right way?
P: Well… That is what I heard about American culture. However, from my personal
92 experiences…I am not sure. He may talk about the America in the 70s and 80s. I am not sure about the racial composition of the place where he lived when he had that kind of experience. But from my experience of living in the city where diverse people from the different cultural and racial backgrounds live together, I feel that America is losing the righteous tendency.
I: You mean the America that your friend experienced and the America that you experienced are different?
P: Right. I sense the righteous America when I hear old Americans such as old professors talking about their experiences. It is possible that people we see on the street in America are not really American since a lot of people in America are from other countries. However, when I see young people in America, I feel that America is also losing their old virtues.
I: What made your life in America difficult?
P: Not having enough money. (Laugh). Basically, it is difficult to be a foreigner who does not fully understand the system that you live in. It was possible to adjust myself to a foreign environment, but it was not easy to go beyond that and feel completely comfortable. I had to give up a lot of things by living in a foreign environment. Interpersonal relationships were one of them. Not having enough time was only one of the reasons for not being able to develop relationships with others in the new place. In order to develop close relationships, people need to share similar interests and enjoy similar activities, but I have no clue about what Americans are interested in and what activities that they enjoy participating in.
I: You said that it is possible to adjust.
P: Adjustment is changing in ways that are necessary for survival. Adjustment means I adjust myself. It does not mean that I completely become a part of the new culture. In order to be a part of the new culture, I have to identify myself with the new culture.
I: You mean you always feel like an outsider?
P: Probably my sense of feeling like an outsider is not as strong as immigrants who have to live in America forever would feel, because I know I will leave this country eventually. So I do not have a need or time to invest to become a part of the culture.
I: What makes your adjustment in America difficult?
93 P: Differences in life style and everyday experiences between Korea and America. As I told you before, although Korea is exposed to American culture, there are certain things that can only be acquired by living in the environment. For example, everyday language that is not really slang that Americans always use that is not really idiom….
I: Are you talking about colloquial English?
P: Yes. Colloquial English.
I: So not knowing colloquial English makes your adjustment in America difficult?
P: Language is one of them. There are also the cultural barriers. I do not know specific details about the culture.
I: Give me an example.
P: (Silence). What would that be? For example, at a restaurant, sometimes I do not know what to order because of my lack of experience in American restaurants. Specifically, let‘s say if I want to order the steak. Although I know what the steak is, I do not know about every single kind of steak that American restaurants offer. So I do not know how to order the steak that I want to have (in American restaurants).
I: So you do not know all the details about the culture, and it affects your adjustment in America.
P: Right. I only knew the basic things about the American culture because I had experienced it when I was in Korea. But (go back to the steak example), I only had few kinds of steaks in Korea. After coming to America, I realized that there are many more kinds of steaks. In addition, because many different cultures co-exist in America, there are wide varieties of foods in America. For example, in Korea, we order a bowl of a salad, and then we get the bowl of the salad without specifying what kind of salad that we want to order. But in America, there are so many kinds of salads and salad dressings, which make ordering a bowl of a salad more difficult.
I: So you have been exposed to things that you do not know well in America. Do you think that those experiences have affected your self-concept?
P: I always enjoy experiencing new things, so it did not affect my self-concept much. I was
94 just thinking that I was experiencing new things.
I: So you always enjoyed experiencing new things.
P: But, now, I am somewhat afraid of trying new things as well because I experienced a lot of failures when I tried new things.
I: When did you start to feel afraid of trying new things? Did you start to feel that way since you came to America?
P: I already had that tendency even when I was in Korea, so I did not try new things easily. When I was in Korea, I rarely experienced a situation that required trying something new. However, in America, a lot of things are new to me. So I tried new things out of curiosity. But as time goes on, I try new things less frequently.
I: What makes you try new things less frequently?
P: Of course the experience of failure. I failed because I did not know the new things well enough. It is possible that the new thing contained an aspect that I like, but I did not even know what I might like about the new thing. So I might try the aspect of the new things that I did not like (and gave up).
I: Would you say that you have experienced more failures in America than in Korea?
P: Within a short period of time, I would say yes. My experiences of failures in Korea can be considered as a way of expanding my experiences. All of my experiences while growing up contributed to my maturity and expansion of self. I established myself by expanding my experiences through incorporating my failures. After establishing myself, when I was exposed to new things, I decided whether I would incorporate my new experiences into my boundary or reject them. So it is not easy to compare my experience of failures in Korea and in America.
I: You mean that when you were in Korea, your experiences were naturally incorporated as a part of you in the process of growing up.
P: But I came to America as an adult who already has my own style. So when I experience something new, if the new experience is consistent with my established self, then it is easy to accept it, but if it does not match with my style, then it becomes a failure.
95 I: So you have a choice.
P: Right. I choose based on the foundation of myself.
I: So would you say that it would be difficult to make a huge change?
P: Right. Especially in my case, I was already influenced by the American culture in the process of growing up (in Korea).
I: What was your idea about the American culture before you came to America?
P: When I was young, I imagined that America would be a totally different world from Korea.
I: How about now?
P: I realized that it is the same world as Korea.
I: So would you say that your image about America has changed after coming to America?
P: Yes, in a way. In Korea, the condition for studying my major was not really good. When I was in college in Korea, most people including professors were not really invested in doing well academically. Many students‘ goal was entering a good university, but once they got into a university, they did not study hard. Even if I wanted to study hard, the curriculum of my department was not good, and my department did not have enough professors to offer all the necessary subjects for my major. But when I talked to people who studied in America, I recognized some differences in our experiences in college. I had an impression that American college students study hard, American universities offer good curricula to their students, and departments have enough professors to offer all the necessary courses. So I thought that I could take all the courses that I wanted to take in America. However, when I came to America, I realized that what I thought of American university education is not really true. Although some college students study hard, some do not study hard, and a curriculum looks good in the surface level, but it may not have substance.
I: So, in a way, your experiences in America helped you eliminate your misconceptions about America?
P: I have been thinking about this lately. When we learn about something through the experience of others, we are more likely to learn either good or bad things about it. People
96 tend to emphasize either positive or negative aspects of their experiences. For example, if one uses a product, he/she would only say positive or negative aspects of the product. When professors talked about their experiences in America, they only talked about positive experiences, which made me think of America only in positive ways.
I: But when you came to America, you could see both positive and negative aspects of America?
P: Both negative and positive sides exist in American society. It is true that the academic atmosphere in America is a lot better than Korea, but it is not as good as I expected. The academic atmosphere in America is still good enough for me.
I: Have you experienced any changes from the first time you came to America and now?
P: Changes?
I: Changes in your relationship with American culture, your way of experiencing the culture, or your values?
P: I don‘t think I have experienced much change, because what I did at that time and now are not much different. I studied and took care of everyday business at that time, and I am doing the same thing now. At that time, I was in charge of taking care of everyday business for the Korean people who came to America with me, and this time I came to America with my wife.
I: So your experiences in America now are the same as 10 years ago?
P: My daily life in America now is not much different from 10 years ago.
I: How about your experiences?
P: Not much change. I socialize with Americans during the day and socialize with Koreans at night.
I: Any changes in your relationships with others?
P: No changes.
I: Any changes in your values?
97 P: It is about the same.
I: So your experiences in America did not affect your values much?
P: Right.
I: Can you think of any changes that you experienced?
P: Compared to the last time?
I: No. Any changes that you have experienced as a result of living in America.
P: (Silence). Well… The first time I came to America and went back to Korea, I had given more thought about Americans‘ fundamental virtues like I said before, and I tried to apply it to my life in Korea. But the outcome was not good.
I: You feel that it did not work in Korean society?
P: Yes. People gave me weird looks when I tried to practice Americans‘ righteous tendency. They thought that I showed off my experience in America.
I: What did you do to practice Americans‘ righteous tendency?
P: Sometimes I waited for my turn, and sometimes I tried to be fair to everyone although in Korean society, we are supposed to take care of people who are associated with us more than people who are not associated with us. I tried to practice the American style.
I: People gave you weird looks when you tried to be fair to everyone?
P: Right. Especially people who experienced disadvantages because I tried to be fair to everyone did not like my changes.
I: How about your relationships with Americans now compared to the first time you came to America.
P: It is about the same. I consider them as friends, but we are not really close.
I: Are there any differences between your relationships with your American and Korean
98 friends?
P: (Silence). Well… with my close friends, I share all my thoughts and struggles. But I do not do that with my American friends. It could be because I have not known them long enough or because I cannot express my thoughts or feelings in English. I only share superficial aspects of my life with my American friends.
I: Are there any other things about your American life that you would like to talk about?
P: I often think about this. Although America has a short history, America has been modernizing throughout its history. So, American society and system has a solid foundation. But, Korea has modernized within a short period of time. Because Korea went though so much change within such a short period of time, a lot of problems came out in the process. Korea lost fundamentally important things that I mentioned before in the process of fast modernization, but it does not mean Koreans are fundamentally different than Americans. The only difference between Koreans and Americans is their experience of modernization. I think that fundamentally Korean and American cultures are the same. Both cultures emphasize respecting people, patriotism, morality, and keeping a peaceful society. The only difference that I see is the differences in current circumstances of the countries.
I: Do you think that your experiences in America affected your personal growth?
P: I was already done growing when I came to America. I was over thirty years old when I came to America.
I: Is there any aspect of yourself that you think has grown?
P: One thing that grows throughout life is pain.
I: So did your pain grow after you came to America?
P: Yes. My pain has grown in America because I could not practice filial piety (One of the Confucian virtues. Children have to respect parents, take care of them when they get old, and bring a good name to parents and ancestors through engaging in good conduct) (Laugh).
I: Is there any other thing that you want to talk about your experiences in America?
P: When we learned English, we learned that Americans do not say ―our‖ often, but I found
99 that it is not true.
I: So your experiences were different?
P: Especially when people refer to a university football team, they always say ―our team‖ instead of ―my team‖ even though they say ―my team‖ when they refer to a professional football team. Koreans think of Americans as modernized people living in a city. For example, Koreans associate Americans‘ life with the nuclear family and believe that Americans are egocentric and care less about family. That is the way Koreans learn about Americans in Korea. However, after coming to America, I realized that what I learned and what I saw were different. I do not think it was because I experienced mid-western Americans‘ life. I found that Americans live family centered life, value spending time with extended family members, and visit parents for holidays such as Christmas and Thanksgiving. It is the same as with Koreans. In a way, Koreans and Americans have the same core values. The difference is that Koreans threw away some of the traditional values in the process of modernization because Korean society has changed so quickly whereas Americans incorporated their traditional values into their modernization process as their modernization happened slowly.
I: How was your experience of living in America as a foreigner like?
P: I did not experience any problems living in America as a student. I live close to the college campus, and my University has a lot of international students. People in my city have been exposed to foreigners growing up, so they accept foreigners as a part of the community. Sometimes I forget that I am a foreigner in my community.
I: How about when you lived in the other city 10 years ago?
P: That city was a little bit different. The majority of people in that city were upper middle class white. Most of them were either students or retired people. Most of the white students in that university were from the upper middle class. There were not many foreigners or other racial minorities in that city. I felt that people in that city recognized foreigners and some of them were looking at me with curious eyes. I do not experience such thing in the city I live in now. I also think that Koreans do not put much effort in identifying with the American society. They only make minimal adjustments to live in America. I believe that immigrants should try hard to identify with the American culture, but I do not see that from Korean immigrants. I heard that Chinese immigrants are the same way.
I: Why do you think that they do not put much effort in identifying themselves with the
100 American culture?
P: I think that Asians have a tendency to cling to their homeland and roots. They are used to living in a homogeneous society, and they are afraid of losing the purity of their own culture.
I: How about you?
P: If I did not have to go back to Korea after finishing my studies, I would spend more time with Americans and other immigrants rather than spending time with Koreans. I would try my best to be assimilated into the American society.
I: Would you say that you are different from other Koreans?
P: Yes.
I: Why do you think you are different from other Koreans? What made you be different from other Koreans?
P: Well… In my social studies class, we learned about diversity. It was my favorite concept. Sometimes it was the answer for the social studies exam. It is possible that the people who made the textbook intentionally put the concept in the textbook because they thought that Korea is somewhat isolated in the international community and not fulfilling its‘ international responsibility or because they look down on Korean traditions. I think they wanted to say through the concept of diversity that there is no need to stick to traditional Korean things, and it is important to accept other cultures. Anyway… That was my interpretation of the concept of diversity.
I: So you were influenced by the concept of diversity?
P: Right.
I: Do you think that your preference for diversity would affect your adjustment when you move back to Korea?
P: I will live the same kind of life even if I move back to Korea, so it would not affect me. I lived this way even when I was in Korea. I do not care about how others perceive me, so I would not be affected by others.
101 Interview #2 I: Could you tell me about people with whom you socialize in America?
P: I spend most of my time with Koreans. I spend about 80% of my time with my wife, about 10 % with other Koreans, and about 10% with Americans.
I: What do you normally do when you spend time with them?
P: With my wife, I usually talk about my daily life experiences.
I: How about with other Koreans?
P: With other Koreans, we talk about what we watch on TV, what we know about things that happened recently, funny stories, Korea related news, and gossip about people in the entertainment business.
I: How about with your American friends?
P: (Silence). We do not talk about anything specific. We talk about our everyday experiences.
I: Did you spend most of your time with your wife when you were in Korea?
P: Yes. At that time, I spent 50% of my time at work and 50% with my wife.
I: So in a way, you spend more time with your wife in America than you were in Korea?
P: Right. Compared to the time that I had a job in Korea, I spend more time at home in America.
I: Do you think that spending more time with your wife has affected your relationship with her in some way?
P: I already spent a lot of time with my wife even when I was in Korea, so it did not affect my relationship with my wife.
I: So you do not think that spending more time with your wife deepened your relationship with her?
102 P: Well… Because I spend less time with other people in America, I spend more time with her, but other than that, our relationship is about the same.
I: So although you spend more time with your wife, the quality of the relationship is the same.
P: Right.
I: Are you satisfied with your relationships with Koreans in America?
P: No. I do not socialize with Koreans in a consistent basis. We only socialize during coffee breaks. We do not have time to talk about our struggles or difficulties, and I do not see the possibility of developing closer relationships with them.
I: Why do you think you have that kind of relationship with Koreans in America?
P: We are in America with a specific goal in mind, so in a way, we do not fully engage in our life.
I: What do you mean by ―life‖?
P: Well. Life would be a too big word in this context. What I meant was that my life here is different from my life in Korea. In Korea, I graduated from college, got a job, and worked for my company, but by coming to America to study, the flow of my life was interrupted. Now, I am in a new place called America temporarily to study while being surrounded by people whom I am not used to.
I: So you believe that being in America temporarily makes you experience difficulties with deepening relationships with people?
P: Right. Every Korean I know is busy here. They are here temporarily and have only limited time to finish up their studies. So our lives are different from people back in Korea who have time to entertain in their life and satisfy social needs. I was told that Koreans who have close relationships while in America do not usually maintain close relationships once they go back to Korea.
I: How would you explain that?
P: It is because Korean students are here temporarily and having temporary relationships with
103 each other. Our relationships do not have depth. We socialize with each other whether we like each other or not because we happen to be in the same city in America together. We did not choose to socialize with each other. If we were in Seoul, Korea, we may not socialize with each other because we would have more choices.
I: So you have fewer choices when you select people with whom to socialize in America?
P: Right.
I: Do you think that having such relationships with people has affected your satisfaction to your life in America?
P: Not really. I did not have close relationships with people even when I was in Korea. I do not have close friends.
I: You do not have a need to have close friends?
P: Right.
I: Then, would you say that you did not experience any change in your life in America due to the changes in your interpersonal relationships?
P: No. Even when I was in Korea, I spent most of my time either at work or at home, and I only socialized with my co-workers at work. I had a few friends with whom I went to high school, but we could not see each other often.
I: Did you experience some changes in your relationships with your high school friends since you came to America?
P: In a way, our relationships changed due to the physical distance. When I was in Korea, I could see them during the holidays when I visited my hometown, but since I came to America, I could not see them even during the holidays. I do not call my friends often and am not really good at keeping in touch, so I haven‘t contacted them since I came to America.
I: What factors do you think affected you not having meaningful relationships in America?
P: If America is the place where I would settle down and live my life, it would be important to form close relationships with people around me to have a comfortable and happy life. But,
104 for Koreans around me, America is the place where they come to accomplish their task (earning a degree) within a limited time such as four to five years. So they have to invest their time getting their studies done. Although some people such as people who devote themselves to church activities or who like to spend time with others may have a different way of investing their time, most Koreans do not spend much time investing in relationships.
I: What kind of relationship is a meaningful relationship to you?
P: I am not sure what kind of relationship would be a meaningful relationship. I can give you the textbook answer for the question, but I am not sure what a meaningful relationship really is.
I: Are you satisfied with your relationships with Americans, your relationship with your American lab mates?
P: I am not satisfied. I have difficulty communicating with them. I cannot talk spontaneously around them. Even if I want to say something to them, I cannot say it smoothly in a friendly manner.
I: So you think that language issues create the biggest barrier in your relationships with American?
P: Right. Two of my office mates are very talkative, but I have difficulty joining their conversation.
I: Do you feel that it is because they are inconsiderate of you?
P: No, they try to be considerate. They try to understand what I say and try to respond to my questions. I think that they also make some effort to mingle with me. However, I have difficulty following their conversation, so I am hesitant to socialize with them.
I: So, it is because you experience your own limitations in socializing with them?
P: Right. I feel that way when we talk about football games or other social phenomena. I can talk about what I did today, but I experience difficulty in continuing the conversation from that point because I do not have knowledge about things that my lab mates are talking about. So I cannot follow their conversation unless I ask them to explain to me what they are talking about. I do not like to interrupt their conversation by asking them questions, so I cannot be a
105 part of the conversation.
I: Would you say that it is not only your language skills but also your lack of knowledge about American culture that causes problems when you try to socialize with Americans?
P: Right. From the surface level, language is the issue that limits opportunity to socialize with Americans, but even if I try to deepen the conversation with Americans, cultural differences or differences of experiences due to growing up in different cultures create another barrier in deepening conversation.
I: Then, cultural differences and differences of experiences might be more fundamental problems for you when you try to form closer relationships with Americans?
P: For example, let‘s say we are talking about the movie, ―Transformer‖. My American lab mates may talk about their experiences of watching the transformer cartoon when they were young, then share their memories of watching other cartoons around the time they were watching transformer, and then talk about their experiences of playing with toys that were related to the cartoon characters. If their conversation progresses in that direction, I could not relate to their conversation at all. I do not know what they are talking about.
I: So that limits your opportunity to develop closer relationships with Americans?
P: Right. I have difficulty relating to their conversation. If Americans want to get to know me or try to find common topics for us, we could continue the conversation. But, if Americans only talk about topics related to their experiences in America, it is not easy for me to continue the conversation with them because I only have limited knowledge about American culture, life style, and their experiences of growing up in America. For example, every Korean knows the Korean children‘s song, ―Mountain rabbit‖ because it is a popular children‘s song in Korea. Americans would have popular children‘s songs, but I have no clue about that.
I: How did your experiences of having difficulty relating to Americans due to the cultural barriers have affected your adjustment in America?
P: Although I had a lot of cultural and daily life experiences in America, I feel that I have only experienced superficial aspects of American culture. For example, although I have lived in America for years, I do not know much about what Americans usually have for meals and what Americans do to have fun. Koreans assume that Americans eat meat everyday, but it may not be true. I do not know what they actually eat because I do not eat out with Americans
106 or am not invited to their place for dinner.
I: You have only experienced American culture from the outside because you did not get the chance to make associate with Americans more closely?
P: Right. Although I am experiencing America more closely than when I was in Korea, I still observe the culture as an outsider. I observe Americans closely, but I still do not know who they are.
I: You do not understand the core part of Americans because you are just observing them from the outside using your own perspectives?
P: In addition, I spend more time with Koreans in America and live my life the same way as when I was in Korea.
I: Can you think of any differences in your life in Korea and in America?
P: There are some differences. As I mentioned before, I am in America temporarily with a specific goal in mind, so, in America, I cannot entertain everything that I used to do in Korea.
I: For example?
P: I cannot eat the kinds of Korean foods that I used to enjoying eating in Korea.
I: So, the foods that you are eating are different?
P: In addition, I cannot entertain myself the way I did in Korea.
I: Give me an example.
P: When I was in Korea, I went to a bar to drink and have fun, but in America, I do not have anything to do to have fun.
I: So, you do not have fun in America?
P: Actually, even when I was in Korea, I did not engage in any activity to have fun other than going to a bar to drink alcohol. I realized that there is not much difference in the way I have fun whether I am in Korea or America. But, in America, I usually do not drink alcohol the
107 way I drank when I was in Korea.
I: Are you talking about the quantity or the place?
P: Both. In America, I do not drink as much as I used to drink in Korea and I am not as serious while drinking as I was in Korea. In Korea, when people drink, they become serious. People share things in their mind that they do not normally share when they are sober. We talk about life and give advice to others about how others should live their life. But in America, I found that, maybe it is because Koreans with whom I socialize feel uncomfortable around me, people who drink with me do not usually talk about serious topics while drinking.
I: Then, what do you usually talk about while drinking?
P: We talk about our experiences of traveling and other experiences in America.
I: So, you and your drinking buddies only share daily life events, but you do not share your worldviews, values and those sorts of things?
P: Right. People usually talk about things other than themselves. Koreans in Korea also talk about similar things when they are sober, but when they are drinking, they become serious and share more personal things.
I: So they engage in deep conversations while drinking?
P: Right.
I: So would you say that your relationships in America lack deep conversations?
P: Right. I do not experience having people who I can engage in deep conversations. However, it seems that Koreans attending a church have closer relationships with other church members, and they depend on each other. I also think that, depending on personality, some people are more likely to form closer relationships than others. I had one friend in America who graduated from the same college in Korea. He was younger than me and he wanted to have serious conversations with me. But, I could not be a good company for him.
I: So do you think you could experience the core part of that friend?
P: I am not sure. I think that he was not satisfied with his relationships with others like I am.
108 When I came to this city, he thought that he could rely on me. So he shared more personal things to me.
I: Rely on you?
P: He thought that I would be someone whom he could trust and have serious conversations with.
I: Would you say that it is not easy to find someone whom you can trust in America?
P: Right. Unless someone belongs to a community such as church that provides some kind of common thing that can facilitate trust among people.
I: You mean common values?
P: Right. In addition to that, people can also assess whether the person is reliable or not based on the person‘s devotion to church activities or other church members opinion about the person. But, in the Korean international students‘ community, it is not really easy to judge the person based on their behaviors in public. It is partially because most of them are pretty young and also because they are here temporarily, they do not show their true self to others. It is not easy to know who they really are.
I: So you found that, with Americans, it is not easy to develop close relationships due to the cultural barriers, and, with Koreans, it is not easy to develop close relationships because it is not easy to find Koreans whom you can trust?
P: Right. But, what I mean by close relationships is different for Americans and Koreans. With Americans, I cannot have in depth conversations about any topic, and, with Koreans, I cannot get to know the person in depth. So I am talking about two different kinds of closeness, but in a way both are the same because both aspects of closeness would help me to continue having conversations with people.
I: So what you mean is that, with Americans, you cannot expect to get to know them in the personal level because you cannot even relate to them on a superficial level, and, with Koreans, you have no problem carrying on deep conversations about factual things, but you still do not get to know them on a personal level?
P: Right.
109
I: How about with your wife? Do you think you can share more about what is in your mind with her now than when you were in Korea?
P: Not really.
I: Why?
P: Because I have too many secrets (Laugh). Although I am laughing now, it is true.
I: Why do you have so many secrets from your wife?
P: I cannot tell you because it is a secret. So, I cannot tell you. Why do I have too many secrets? It is because I have a fear of failure. I do not want others to know my mistakes so I have many secrets.
I: So, if you do not tell others, others would not know about your mistakes?
P: Right. That is the source of my secrets.
I: Are you satisfied with your overall relationships in America?
P: No. I miss people more and more as I get older, but it is not easy to open up myself to others. I want to get to know many people in America including Koreans and Americans. But, it is regrettable that I cannot open up myself to others easily because I have too many secrets.
I: Although you want relationships, you cannot open up yourself to others?
P: Right. I have always been that way, so it is not easy to get closer to people.
I: Do you think that you need to make a major change?
P: Right. I need to make changes.
I: What kind of changes would you need to make?
P: I cannot tell you because it is a secret.
110 I: How would you evaluate your overall adjustment in America?
P: From others‘ points of view, it would be 90 points out of 100 points total, but from my point of view, I would give myself 40 points out of 100.
I: How would you explain the discrepancy between others‘ evaluation and your evaluation on your adjustment?
P: Other people would say that I successfully adjusted to American life, but my adjustment did not meet my expectations.
I: How would other people define adjustment?
P: Other people think that I talk with Americans a lot and have traveled many places in America. The truth is that I am good at remembering things that I see and experience. So when other people talk about their experiences in America such as traveling, I can always relate to what they are talking about. I can talk about detailed facts about the place in America although I have been there only once. So other people think that I have experienced America more than them.
I: How would you define adjustment?
P: Developing close relationships with people, but I was not able to do that.
I: Who did you want to develop close relationships with in America? Are you exclusively talking about relationships with Americans or with anybody you met in America?
P: I wanted to develop closer relationships with Americans since I was coming to America, and there would be more Americans than non Americans in America. But, in reality, I am surrounded by Koreans in America and although there are many Americans in America, I am not really close to any of them.
I: Why do you think that you could not develop close relationships with Americans?
P: As I mentioned before, I only have limited time in America so I feel pressure to focus on my studies. Of course, I could make time to invest in developing relationships with Americans, but, psychologically, I felt that I could not afford to do it.
111 I: So for you, adjustment is closely tied to your interpersonal relationships?
P: You can say that. In my opinion, cultural adjustment is surface level adjustment, and it is easier to achieve if I try. But, interpersonal relationship related adjustment is not something that is easy to achieve.
I: What helped your adjustment in America?
P: Mass media such as T.V. news, and radio programs.
I: In what ways did mass media helped your adjustment?
P: It informs me. I watch TV and listen to the radio a lot.
I: So you gain information about America through mess media, and it helped you to learn about American life?
P: Right.
I: What interfered with your adjustment in America?
P: Time restraints.
I: Time restraints?
P: Time restraints are the biggest reason for my difficulties with adjustment in America.
I: Then, if you had unlimited time in America, would you have better adjustment?
P: Right. I would take different approach to my American life.
I: Like what?
P: I believe that people planning to go back to their country after finishing their studies and planning to settle down in America for the rest of their life should take different approaches to their life in America.
I: Give me an example.
112 P: If people want to settle down in America after completing their studies, they have to learn about how Americans live their life in America. For example, they need to learn about how to buy a house in America. Most of the Korean students socialize with other Korean students since they have time restraints, but if they want to settle down in America, they need to socialize with Americans to learn about American life.
I: So, depending on what they want to do after completing their studies, they should choose with whom they are going to socialize?
P: If they want to settle down in America, they need to expand their social network. They have to learn about how to buy a house in America, what they need to do to raise children in America, American school systems, and so forth. International students do not know much about those kinds of things. So they need to socialize with Americans to learn about American life.
I: So immigrants have to socialize with Americans for practical reasons?
P: It is for survival in America. Koreans in Korea also do the same thing. They socialize with each other to collect information. People develop relationships with others for survival.
I: For survival?
P: Right. I think the underlying motive for socializing with other people is survival. We spend time with friends for fun. Why is it fun to spend time with friends? It is because we feel loved by our friends, and love is necessary thing for survival.
I: Have you ever experienced any confusion about your values or had a chance to re-think about your values since you came to America?
P: I realized that people are basically the same and their differences result from differences in their environment. I also realized that Koreans are nationalistic and narrow-minded. Although I believe that people from any countries have some traits of such tendencies, Koreans‘ nationalistic and narrow-minded tendencies are stronger than that of people from other counties. I think those tendencies are strongly reinforced by Korean education system.
I: Did you already have those kinds of values before you came to America?
P: No. My current values are formed through the accumulation of my previous values. I think
113 my current values are closer to universal values than my old ones.
I: What were your old values?
P: I had developed different perspectives on racial/national superiority and different ideas for good and evil. For example, after the Virginia Tech massacre, I realized that Koreans are narrow-minded racists.
I: So, before the incident, you did not think that Koreans were racist?
P: Koreans do not even have concept of racism. Korean culture implicitly holds the prejudice that Caucasians are superior and African Americans are inferior. Koreans unconsciously hold that prejudice through education, cultural atmosphere, and personal experiences. However, since I came to America, I realized that such prejudice is not based on the truth.
I: So now you do not think that Caucasians are superior to African Americans any more?
P: No. I realized that it depends on the individual. My recent take on stereotypes is that people need to acknowledge that stereotypes exist. People develop stereotypes to learn a lot of information within a short period of time. So we apply our stereotypes to save time in our daily life, but we should not totally depend on stereotypes because there are so many exceptions to commonly believed stereotypes. For example, people say that African Americans are poor because they are lazy. But this is the Caucasians‘ stereotype about African Americans. It seems that a growing number of African Americans do not fit into such a stereotype. Some stereotypes may be based on biological differences, but some stereotypes, especially racial stereotypes, have social backgrounds. We can use stereotypes to understand the reality, but we should not rely on stereotypes. There are a lot of African Americans who are not lazy.
I: What made you think about such things?
P: I have had more opportunities to observe African Americans in America. When I was in Korea, most of African Americans I saw worked for the American military in Korea. Most of them were ignorant, and I questioned that if they even had high school diploma. In addition, most of mass media such as TV news often portray African Americans as criminal or poor people. So, Koreans are only exposed to the negative images of African Americans. After coming to America, I had opportunities to meet African Americans who are wealthy and well educated. There were a group of Koreans that came to visit my university recently, and I
114 worked for them as a translator. One morning, I was waiting for them in the lobby with another American who was also working for the group. He was a white man, and he told me this. ―Look at those black men. They are middle class people who have successful careers. There are so many blacks like them and an increasing number of blacks belong to the middle class. However, the media still portrays blacks as poor and lazy. It is true that some blacks are poor and lazy, but it is problematic that the media does not report success stories of black people. The media should report more success stories of blacks, so people can acknowledge the potential of black people.‖ He appeared to be very passionate about that topic.
I: You said that the Virginia Tech massacre made you realize that Koreans are racist.
P: Right. Initially, Koreans said that the shooter must be Chinese. It showed me Koreans‘ prejudice against Chinese. Also, I was impressed by the way Americans talk about the incident. If a black man did the same thing in Korea, Koreans would blame black people as a group. However, Americans portray the incident as individual problem instead of making it as problem of the entire Korean people. Maybe it is because they are more aware of the problem of over-generalizing an individual‘s problem to the group‘s problem through education. When I witnessed that, I realized that Koreans including me hold racist attitudes, and it was disappointing to acknowledge it.
I: So, you realized that Koreans tend to perceive the individual‘s problem as the problem of the group that the individual belongs to?
P: Right. Korean media portrays an individual‘s problem as the problem of the entire group. Koreans also tend to talk about an individual‘s problem as the problem of the group. For example, if one Chinese man does something wrong, then Koreans would say that the Chinese people are always bad. If one American criticizes Korean society, then Koreans would say all Americans criticize Korean society. They always generalize the individual‘s behavior to the entire group‘s tendency.
I: How would you explain Koreans‘ tendency to generalize an individual‘s problem to the group‘s problem?
P: I don‘t know.
I: Did you learn about Koreans‘ tendency to be narrow-minded after experiencing American culture?
115 P: Yes. Koreans are used to living in a homogeneous society, so when they encounter a person who is different from them, they consider the person who is different from them to represent the whole society. So, for Koreans, all interactions between two people from different societies are considered to be interactions between two societies. So, Koreans expect that everybody from the other society would behave the same way as the individual from the society.
I: You mean every individual level interaction is considered to be a group level interaction for Koreans?
P: Right.
I: Can you think of any changes that you have experienced as a result of living in America?
P: As I mentioned before, I have expanded my perspectives and put more meanings on universal values.
I: What are the universal values?
P: People need to love and respect people, those kinds of values. When I was in Korea, I put more value on becoming better than other people and helping other people. So I had more hierarchical values in that I wanted to be superior to others. However, since I came to America, maybe it is because I recognized my own limits, I have developed more egalitarian values such as it is important to help each other and respect each other.
I: How would you explain such changes?
P: I think that it is because I had more chance to experience different things. Korea is a more homogeneous society where people have similar backgrounds, and experiences and receive similar education. Thus, people are similar to each other, and I only experienced similarity between me and others. However, there are diverse people from different backgrounds in America, so I had chances to have different experiences and be exposed to the diversity in America.
I: Having a variety of experiences helped you…
P: Right. For people who are ready to learn from traveling and cultural experiences, living in America can be a meaningful experience. What I mean is that it is more important to be open
116 to new experiences than having new experiences.
I: When people are ready to learn from new experiences, new experiences can help them to expand their horizon? So, in your case, although you did not have a chance to experience real American life, exposure to American culture on the surface level was enough for you to experience changes in your values and worldviews?
P: Right. It helped me to re-think my values and modify them little by little.
I: Is there any other thing that you would like to share about your American life?
P: No.
Mirae Interview #1 I: How would you compare Korean culture with American culture?
P: I don‘t think I can say that I know Korean and American culture well since I have only lived in one city in both Korea and America; Seoul and Columbus respectively. The biggest differences between two cultures that I have noticed is that American culture respects diversity while Korean culture only respects anything in main stream.
I: Are there any other differences?
P: In education settings, in Korea, a teacher expects a student to provide the ―right‖ answer for a question but in America, a teacher accepts multiple answers rather than expecting one ―right‖ answer from students. Again, American culture values diversity by recognizing possibilities of coming up with various answers.
I: You think that Korean culture only accepts one right answer but American culture accepts many different answers. Can you think of any other differences?
P: Cultural differences?
I: What differences have you experienced in both cultures?
P: I think the biggest difference between two cultures is that American culture accepts diversity more than Korean culture does. For example, Korean people are more aware of
117 fashion trends and if you do not keep up with new fashion trends, people would consider you to be unfashionable. In other words, people feel pressure to wear trendy clothes in order to fit in. However, in America, maybe it is because I do not live in a big city like New York city, I feel that I can wear whatever fits to my own style, and people would compliment me if my clothes look good on me even though I do not follow the latest fashion trend. Other aspects of culture are similar between the two cultures. I think all of the differences between the two cultures stem from whether the culture respects or accepts diversity or not.
I: How long have you lived in America?
P: About three and half years.
I: How would you describe your life in America?
P: I cannot do a lot of things that I used to do in Korea such as going to a beauty shop, a public bath, or shopping, and thinking about making and investing money. But I have more time to think about myself
I: Why can‘t you go to a beauty shop or think about money in America like you did in Korea?
P: Because my husband is a student in America, he does not make money and we do not have as much money as we used to have in Korea. Even if we have money, we are not sure about our future, so we do not feel comfortable spending money like we did in Korea.
I: You said that you think more about yourself in America.
P: Yes, because I see diverse people. Even if I meet Korean people, they are different from the Korean people I used to interact with in Korea. I have only lived in one area in Seoul throughout my life and all my friends were similar to me. But here in America, I have met a lot of Korean people from different backgrounds than me. Of course all the people I have met in America from other countries including Americans are a lot different than me. I have observed both positive and negative aspects of people who are different from me. I have tried to learn their positives and tried to avoid having their negatives.
I: Sounds like you have had diverse experiences.
P: Yes. Emotionally also (I had diverse emotional experiences). Traveling also helped me have diverse experiences.
118 I: So you said that you had different relationships with other people in American than in Korea. How would you compare the differences in your interpersonal relationships in the two countries?
P: Relationships in America… I think my relationship with people in Korea was a more natural relationship. I have gotten close to my friends in Korea naturally since we grew up together. I felt more comfortable with them. We share similar values and beliefs so there were no conflicts or arguments. Here, I feel that I need to put in so much effort to develop a relationship. I need to accept differences between me and other people. I think my relationships with people in America require intentional effort. It is not really natural like my relationships with my friends in Korea.
I: Intentional effort?
P: Yes because we are very different.
I: Who do you normally interact with in America?
P: I am a house wife. Because I do not have a job, my opportunities to meet people are limited. I met people in the Korean married women‘s community in Columbus, in ESL classes, and through my husband (people in his department).
I: So you are interacting with people from three different groups; people in the Korean married women‘s community in Columbus, classmates in ESL classes, and your husband‘s friends. How would you compare each interaction?
P: I found that it was easier to interact with classmates in ESL classes if they were interested in developing a relationship because we had similar interests. I could not develop a close relationship with people I met through my husband because they are not my friends (they are my husband‘s friends). I found that I became friends with people who share the same purpose as me in America.
I: For example?
P: For example, in Korea, friends were people I socialize with to have fun together but here, for example, friends are people who I go to school with. I think my friends from other countries expect us to do something together rather than chatting in the cafeteria. We make quilts together or make other things together.
119 I: Relationships with a purpose?
P: Yes. I did not like that kind of relationship in the beginning, but I think that having a shared goal helps people maintain relationships. However, if there is no intimacy involved in such relationships, the relationship normally ends after we accomplish the goal. It is a deep and short relationship.
I: A deep and short relationship?
P: And frequent farewells.
I: Frequent farewells?
P: Yes. Relationships in America are like that. I meet new people frequently, but I am separated from people frequently as well.
I: So relationships do not continue after they leave you?
P: In Korea, it was easier to maintain relationships because it is such a small country. I may not see my friends often, but I can see them if I want to. Here in America, I am the wife of the international student, and I think that limits my interpersonal relationships to some extent.
I: How do your interpersonal relationships in America effect your life?
P: It has changed my values.
I: In what ways? Give me an example.
P: As I told you before, I did not like meeting people for some purpose in the beginning, but I changed my mind. I realized that people who initially get together to work on the same goal can also become intimate and become a friend. In addition, by meeting diverse people, I try to accept diversity more than ever.
I: You said that American life gives you more opportunity to be exposed to diversity. How does it affect you?
P: There is an Old Korean saying, send children to Seoul and send horses to Je-Jue island (meaning that people need to live in a big city to be exposed to a rich cultural environment). I
120 had not given much thought about traveling or living in a foreign country. I thought that both traveling and living in a foreign country was not a good thing and a waste of money, but I do not think that way anymore. I learned that there is a larger world than Seoul, Korea and there are many different ways of living life.
I: So you thought about various ways of living life?
P: I learn to accept diversity. It was a good experience for me. Unlike my husband who knew American culture pretty well even before coming to America, I did not get much of a chance to be exposed to American culture prior to coming here. I am from a small family consisting of my mother and me, and I did not have opportunities to be exposed to various experiences. I have only imagined experiencing all sorts of things, but my first hand experiences were really limited. For a person like me, living in and experiencing a different culture affects ways of thinking significantly.
I: Could you explain more about that?
P: I realized that the way I have lived my life is just one way of living life. I learned that there are so many different ways of living life and this world is a big and diverse place.
I: What makes your life in America difficult?
P: I cannot go anywhere by myself because I cannot drive a car and it is difficult to me. Since I am not a student nor do I work in America, English has not been a major problem to me. To me, not having mobility and not having an opportunity to work to make money has been stressful. I was dispirited because of that.
I: How have these difficulties affected your adjustment in America?
P: I do not think they affected my adjustment in America. Fortunately, I made a lot of good friends and that helped my adjustment here. However, I feel that if I were more aggressive in searching for new experiences or if I had prior experiences of living in a foreign country, I would be able to try more new things. I regret that I did not try more things in America. I could not do a lot of things because I tend to worry about the way I would be perceived by others. I also had a lot of restrictions. But still, I feel that I missed a lot of opportunities to try different things.
I: What changes do you think that you have experienced as a result of living in America?
121 P: I realized that there are more things to see and learn than what I imagined when I was in Korea. I want to visit more places in the world to see and learn.
I: You said that the biggest difference between Korea and America is the existence of diversity.
P: Yes. First of all, people look like me in Korea, but here there are so many different races.
I: You started to accept diversity and became more interested in new things since you came to America. How do you understand these changes?
P: I think it is positive.
I: Positive? Do you think these changes happened because you lived in America?
P: I think that it does not have to be America. (Change could happen if she lived in any foreign country.)
I: What factors do you think affect your life in America? Your adjustment in America?
P: Information that I heard from my ESL classmates, things that I learned from watching TV news or drama, and what my husband told me about his experiences at school…. I do not have a lot of direct exposure to American culture. I learn about America indirectly.
I: You learn about American culture through ESL classmates, TV, and your husband?
P: Yes. I did not have other opportunities to learn American culture. Also… Visiting friends‘ houses and interacting with ESL teachers helped me to learn about American culture as well. But I do not think that I had much chance to be exposed to American culture directly.
I: In America?
P: Yes. I have only scratched the surface of American culture. I don‘t think I experienced American culture as an insider because I only stay at home in America. I have lived in America as a wife of an international student. As a matter of fact, I have lived in America as a Korean. I do not get much chance to speak in English nor have I had American friends. I have observed American culture from the outside while living in America as a Korean.
122 I: How do you feel about experiencing only the surface level of American culture while living in America?
P: I think that it is not too bad. I think that I could see more positive aspects of American culture because I have only scratched the surface of American culture. If I got below the surface… Actually, I think the way people live is the same regardless of the culture. For example, I see division among people from different classes in Korea such as middle class, high class, etc., and I could probably see such division in American culture if I really experienced American culture. Maybe the gap between different classes is larger in America. Like that, I think the way people live in society is basically the same across cultures. However, I do not think I have truly experienced American culture because I was not active enough to go into American culture to experience it. I have lived like an outsider in America.
I: How would you compare your interactions with American people to that with Korean people?
P: Actually, I do not feel uncomfortable interacting with American people. I want to talk to them as much as I can if I can communicate with them. I think that they are more talkative and smile more than Korean people. Korean people do not talk much unless they are close to each other, but here I think people engage in small talk easily. So I would not feel uncomfortable talking with them.
I: Do you think that it would be fun to interact with American people?
P: Yes. I think that Korean people are not good at chatting. They do not think talking about personal stories is acceptable. They tend to be careful and are afraid of telling the truth and expressing feelings. However, I think that American people are, although I do not know them well, unlike Korean people, they tend to exaggerate feelings. For example, if Korean people think something is good, they just say, ―It is good‖ but American people say, ―Wow it is really good‖. Korean people think that that kind of expression is childish. They think that it is not graceful. Actually I feel that expressing feelings honestly is more comfortable.
I: Do you feel uncomfortable with Korean people in that regard?
P: I feel that I need to be careful with Korean people. However, I have never had a real close relationship with an American. I feel that the interpersonal relationship style is somewhat different between Koreans and Americans. I think that it takes longer to get to know Korean people because they would not talk much about themselves in the beginning. But with
123 American people, although I feel close to them, we are not that close. I think that American people tend to have stricter boundaries between people. So they will let people get close to them to some extent, but they would not disclose themselves completely.
I: So you feel that there is some limit in developing close relationship with American?
P: Yes.
I: Tell me about why you feel that way? Do you think you feel that way because you are a foreigner or because that is the way Americans interact with other people?
P: I think that it is their way of relating to other people.
I: So you don‘t think that you being a foreigner affects the way American people relate to you?
P: No. I think that American people are nice to anyone because it is a socially acceptable way of relating to each other.
I: How would you compare your life now with your life right after you came to America?
P: It is different. During the first year, I felt frustrated because I could not understand English. I felt lonely and bored because I did not have any friends. But I have gotten used to life in America. Also, in the beginning, I constantly remembered that I was in America but now I do not think about whether I live in America or Korea.
I: Because you are so used to living in America?
P: Yes. I just live my life.
I: So where you live does not matter anymore?
P: Yes.
I: What are the differences between your first year in America and now?
P: My weight (Laugh). Differences between my first year and now? I do not feel anxious or nervous when I run into Americans anymore (Laugh). In the beginning I was afraid of leaving
124 my apartment, but I am not that way anymore. I also do not have high expectations anymore.
I: Expectations?
P: I expected a lot of things in my first year. Everything was new, and I expected to experience something new. But now, it does not make much difference whether I live here or in Korea.
I: Would you say that you have found more similarities between living in the two cultures?
P: Yes. Americans and Koreans looked different from the outside. But I found more similarities in everyday life between Koreans and Americans from talking with American people.
I: But you also said that you also recognized differences between two cultures. How do you understand their differences?
P: Religion affected the differences between the two cultures. Christianity is the mainstream religion in America, but I think Confucianism influenced all the religions in Korea. Both Buddhism and Christianity are influenced by Confucianism. Korean people value modesty like every other Asian culture, so Korean people do not brag about what they know. Also all Korean people look the same since we all are from the same race. So Korean culture emphasizes the sameness among people, and people are expected to follow the mainstream culture. Therefore Korean culture does not care much about differences among people for example, although some Korean people are left-handed, the society does not care about the convenience of left-handed people. Everything is designed for the convenience of right- handed people. On the other hand, America was constituted by people from all over the world. America does not have its own traditions and it does not have a long history. America was built in a short period of time by diverse people. Therefore it was important to think about differences between people. Also because American culture values doing things fast, expressing what they know directly is more valued than modesty (directedness saves time).
I: How have the differences between the two cultures affected you?
P: When I was in Korea, I thought that I should restrain myself from doing what I wanted to do, but here I realized that it is important to do what I want to do. I decided to be frank and express my feelings, for example.
125 I: What made you think that way?
P: If I did not express what I know, nobody would know what I know. I think that I am more frank when I speak in English than in Korean.
I: Why?
P: English makes me more frank.
I: Because English is a more direct language?
P: Yes. For example, in Korean, I say ―I am happy‖ or ―I want to do this‖, but I do not say, ―I really want to do this‖. But in English I say ―I really want to do‖. I think I express my feelings more when I speak in English. Also when I observe other Korean people speaking in English, they tend to exaggerate or express their feelings more when speaking in English. I do not know why. I think English makes me more expressive and honest
I: You mean when you express yourself differently depending on the language you use.
P: Yes.
I: You said that you interact with three groups; Korean, American, people from other countries. What makes your interactions with each group easy or difficult?
P: All Americans I closely interact with are old ladies. I have a lot of Asian friends and Korean friends. It is easier for me to become a friend with Asian people because we eat similar food. I also found that it is easier to communicate with Asian people although we all cannot speak good English. I do not have American friends. I found more cultural differences from friends who are not Asian.
I: What kind of cultural differences have you noticed?
P: First of all, we do not eat similar food (Laugh).
I: Food is the main differences?
P: Food is just one of the differences. Well… friends who are not from Asia do not understand what I am talking about because we do not share a similar culture. I found more
126 cultural similarities when I talk with friends from Japan, Indonesia, or China.
I: Give me some examples.
P: For example, we all know some Chinese characters, so there is some similarity in language. Also, we all eat rice. We easily understand each other although we all cannot speak good English because we all share a similar culture and we all know about each other‘s culture to some extent. However, Americans or Hispanics are different. They do not know much about Korean culture and they do not understand my culture.
I: So you think cultural differences affect your interpersonal relationships with people who are not Asian?
P: It is not easy to become friends with people who are not Asian.
I: Do they have different beliefs and ways of thinking?
P: Yes, they do.
I: Could you explain more?
P: I do not know much about Hispanics. But I feel that Hispanics are too loud and talkative. They appear to talk without thinking. I only know a few Hispanics, so I cannot say I know about Hispanics. I feel that Asian people are similar. They share similar values and beliefs. But I guess there must be individual differences as well. There must be some differences depending on person or age.
I: How about your relationship with Koreans?
P: As I said earlier, Korean people who I met here are a lot different from Korean people who I met in Korea.
I: How did that affect your relationship with Koreans?
P: I feel that I could get to know diverse Korean people. But I am not sure if that has affected my relationship with Korean people.
I: Then do you think that meeting diverse people affected you?
127 P: Yes I do.
I: In what ways?
P: There is a different world and people who are different from me live in that world. But fundamentally we are the same. I always thought that foreigners must think differently from me but I do not think that way anymore. I stereotype people less as a result of living in America and I think it is one of the positive aspect of living here. I feel that people are basically the same. Some people talk about the way Chinese people are, the way Japanese people are, the way American people are although they live in America. But I found more similarities among people than what I have imagined in Korea.
I: Do you find changes in your values or beliefs since you came to American?
P: Yes, I do.
I: What are the changes?
P: I think experience is really important. When I was in Korea, I thought that it is important to work hard, make money, save money, buy a house, buy nice clothes, and take care of parents. In America, I think that I could live like people who are younger than me. Like when I was in college. I do not have a desire for material things not only because we did not have money but also because we were studying. What I study in ESL class is a junior high school level. I feel like going back to junior high school again while studying things that I studied when I was in junior high school. I feel like growing up all over again.
I: Growing up all over again?
P: Yes. I do things that I used to do long time ago. I experienced a new culture. I want to learn more and study more again. When I was in Korea, I thought that I was done with studying, but when I came to America, I realized that there are a lot of things that I do not know about. For example, if I meet someone from another country, and if I do not know much about his/her culture, I would study his/her culture to find topics to talk about. In order to become a friend with someone from another culture, I need to make an effort to get to know the person‘s culture. Meeting someone from another culture motivates me to study things that I learned in world history class or geography class. But I do not memorize information for an exam but remember information through personal experiences.
128 I: Personal experiences motivate you to study.
P: Yes. Also, I have not traveled much since I came to America. But when I travel and see things that I learned in textbooks, it becomes more meaningful. Learning comes naturally through experiencing.
I: So you learn from experience.
P: Yes. In addition, necessity motivates me to learn.
I: Do you think your American life and exposure to different cultures have influenced your personal growth?
P: Internally, it was not bad for me.
I: What do you mean by ―not bad‖
P: I cannot say it (American life and exposure to different cultures) was good and helped me grow because I am not sure about it yet. But I think it was more positive than negative.
I: You mean experiencing a new culture was more positive than negative?
P: Yes.
I: Are there any other things that you want to talk about your American life?
P: I think I told you most of it.
I: Do you mind if I ask you more questions about your life in America in the future?
P: No I don‘t mind.
I: Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
P: You‘re welcome
Interview #2 I: Could you tell me about people you have developed relationships with in America?
129 P: I met Korean friends through an on line Korean women‘s club in my city and met friends from other countries at my classes. I also socialize with people in my husband‘s department.
I: Could you tell me more about your interpersonal relationships in America?
P: I have known some of my Korean friends whom I met through the on line Korean women‘s club for years. Since I do not have extended family in America, they are like my family to me. I am really close to them. I also have a group of friends with whom I spend time to have fun. My friends from the English classes and I share the same goal which is improving our English. So we study together to achieve our goal. When I see people in my husband‘s department, I interact with them as a wife of their friend. So I think I behave differently with my husband‘s friends than with my friends.
I: What do you normally do when you spend time with your friends?
P: When I am with my close Korean friends, we talk a lot. We share our struggles and fun experiences. I usually cook with friends from other countries. I think that cooking is one way to teach one‘s culture. I learn about their culture through sharing food. We learn about each other‘s culture and food through spending time together. I also learned that there are differences in our personality and our values.
I: What differences have you noticed?
P: Differences among cultures can be my own stereotypes about other cultures. Although I don‘t think stereotype is a good thing, I have noticed consistent differences among people from different cultures. I am not sure about characteristics of American people yet since I don‘t know many Americans.
I: How do you make sense of differences across culture?
P: I try to accept the differences as it is. When I see friends from other cultures, I tend to be frank and simple due to the constraints of my language skills. I can only express things in a simple way, so I am more honest with them without using any euphemisms. I think it gives me a good opportunity.
I: Opportunity to be honest and simple?
P: Yes. It gives me an opportunity to express myself the way I am. With my Japanese friends,
130 I learned to make handicraft stuffs including making a quilt.
I: You said that you learned that people from different countries have different values. How did you learn that?
P: As I got close to them, they started to share more about their family relationships, their relationships with husbands, their experiences as mom, and so forth. I thought that Asian people would be similar. But I realized that Koreans hold more strong Confucian values than other Asians. Other Asians are more self-centered than Koreans. As you know, Americans think that an individual is the center of one‘s own world. But for Koreans, the most important thing is us or family and saving face. Koreans do not think they are the most important thing for them. I thought other Asians would be the same way but found from interacting with other Asian friends that they are more self-centered than Koreans. It seems that they do not share the same value as Koreans.
I: Could you give me an example of how they are self-centered?
P: As a Korean, although I consider myself as the center of my life, saving my parents‘ face is more important than me. I try to be successful in my life, so my parents would not lose face and try to live in a nice house because I do not want my parents to feel bad about my living condition. Sometimes I have to pay too much attention to how I would appear to others and sometimes I am more careful (so others would not look down on my parents.) There is a Korean expression that children should not spoil their parents‘ name (reputation). This expression reflects Koreans‘ value. However, I have noticed that my Asian friends pay more attention to what would make them happy, and they do not think much of how their behaviors would affect the way other people would view their parents.
I: Do you feel that Koreans consider their parents more important than themselves?
P: Some people may say that it is not true, but they are unconsciously affected by that idea. In addition, Korean women care about their husband and children more than themselves. Compared to other Asians, Koreans have a stronger tendency to care about others more than themselves. Of course, there are individual differences, but it seems that traditional Confucianism is deeply rooted in Korean culture, and it makes Korean culture unique. Even Korean younger generations‘ ways of thinking are influenced by Confucian values.
I: So you mostly interact with Koreans, foreigners, and people related to your husband and you do not interact with Americans much.
131 P: That‘s right.
I: Are you satisfied with your relationships in America?
P: I am about 90% satisfied with my relationships in America.
I: In what ways are you satisfied with your relationships in America?
P: When I was in Korea, I only socialized with a few selected people with whom I really wanted to develop relationships. They were similar to me, so there was no room for disagreement. We grew up together and shared similar backgrounds. So we did not have a reason to have some kind of trouble. I did not see them often since we were always busy. However, in America, I sometimes socialize with people against my will.
I: Why?
P: Sometimes, I have an opportunity to socialize with people by chance. Because I am in America as a wife of an international student, I do not have a specific task to accomplish. I naturally have a lot of spare time and sometimes feel lonely. Sometimes, the other person wants to socialize with me. I have more chance to get to know people from different backgrounds in America because of my unique situation. It was difficult for me to socialize with new people from different backgrounds initially, and I honestly did not want to meet them. I was afraid of meeting new people because I did not know them well. However, we had one similarity; we all are married Korean women. Most of their husbands are international students. Sometimes that similarity makes me feel confined.
I: Do you feel confined by the similarity among people with whom you socialize?
P: Yes. Sometimes I want to socialize with people who are different from me such as young single women, older people, or men, but here in America, my social network is so confined. Although I socialize with more people than when I was in Korea, the kind of people whom I socialize with are more restricted.
I: You mean you only have opportunities to meet people belonging to a certain category?
P: Yes, and they all think the same.
I: How would you describe their thinking style?
132 P: They are family centered and are interested in kitchenware since they are housewives. They are more interested in practical things instead of abstract concepts. Fortunately, I made few friends who are interested in discussing philosophical things, but with most of my friends in America, it took us a while to talk about abstract topics. I have always thought that I only need friends who I can share abstract things such as my ideas or perspectives, but since I came to America I realized that I could have relationships with people without talking about abstract things.
I: How did you come to that realization?
P: I found that, with some people, we did not talk about meaningful things initially but got close later through finding common ground by chance. Sometimes, I socialize with people not because I want to spend time with them but because I need to get information from them. I did not like to meet people for specific purposes in the past. I wanted to have deep and close relationships with a few people and thought that that kind of relationship is the only meaningful relationship. But, I changed my mind. There are many different kinds of relationships such as practical relationships and intimate relationships, and both relationships are valuable. But when I was in Korea, I did not value goal oriented relationships.
I: You did not value practical relationship?
P: Yes, I did. Because I am a foreigner in America, I do not know anything about American life. When I was in Korea, I had no need to ask practical things to others because I knew everything. Since I grew up in Korea, I could take care of things for myself without getting others‘ help, but in America, I need to get information from others to get things done. I also give information to others. It helped me to expand my relationships with others. The only regret I have about it is that although I know more people than when I was in Korea, my relationships with people whom I met in America is limited. If they change, the relationship does not last.
I: In what ways did they change?
P: For example, in my case, when I met them for the first time, most of them were newly married and had no child. So we socialized like the way childhood friends would spend time together. However, as time goes on, some of them got pregnant and had a child. As their needs changed with their new situation, they joined other groups to satisfy their needs. We spent less time together as they spent more time with their new group of friends. Naturally, I also looked for friends who I could relate to better. It was hurtful initially, but I realized that it
133 was unavoidable.
I: Why?
P: I think the nature of the relationship changes as the situation of each person who involved in the relationship changes. The person might be the same person, but the person‘s situation determines what the person needs from the relationship now. So I could have a close relationship with the person in the past, but our relationship would not stay the same way as our situation changes.
I: So you have different kind of relationship with the same person as the person‘s situation changes?
P: That‘s right. I thought that I did not change but realized that I changed as well. People socialize with different people as their situation changes. Their relationships change as their needs change.
I: Changes in situation affect changes in their needs?
P: Right.
I: Do you think it is because you are in America?
P: I think partially it is affected by me being in America. When I was in Korea, I did not socialize with married women. All my friends were childhood friends. I did not have any friends whom I met to satisfy my needs. So the nature of my relationships with others was a little bit different from other Korean married women. I had a few close friends who have been my friends since I was young and I was satisfied with our relationships. I did not socialize with people because I needed their help. Meeting people to fulfill my needs in America was a difficult and uncomfortable thing to do initially, but now I think it is possible to socialize with others to satisfy one‘s needs.
I: You said that initially that kind of relationship was difficult. How did you make sense of that kind of relationship?
P: I put myself in their shoes. What would I do if I were in their situation? I realized that it was one of the ways to adjust in a new environment.
134 I: So putting yourself in their shoes helped you understand their way of relating to others?
P: Right. I thought that if I were in their situation, I would behave similarly. However, if my friend changes according to the changes in her situation, I cannot sacrifice myself to go along with the changes. So we cannot be as close as before and eventually accept the changes in our relationship. As I accept my friend‘s change, I modify my expectations on her. I contemplate a lot of things in the process of doing that.
I: Like what?
P: I think about her position like what if I were her, what I would do, and what if she were me, what would she do. I try to take the other‘s perspective.
I: So taking the other‘s perspective helped you understand the changes in their behaviors?
P: Right.
I: You are talking about your relationships with Koreans, right?
P: Yes. I do not have many friends from other countries. But I think that my relationships with people from other countries would be the same as that with Koreans. It might be affected by the situation even more than with Koreans.
I: Are you satisfied with your relationships with people from other countries?
P: Yes. I do not have high expectations for relationships with people from other countries, so I am easily satisfied with my relationships with them.
I: Why do you think you do not have high expectations for people from other countries?
P: Because we cannot speak good English, we cannot talk in depth about ourselves. So we are nice to each other and try to have good relationships, but we do not attach to each other or expect something from each other.
I: So you experience some emotional distance from people from other countries?
P: Yes. In a way, I like that kind of relationship, a relationship that does not involve expectations. In my case, I always try to keep in touch with my friends from other countries
135 through sending e-mails to them or calling them, so they know that I still remember them. If I do not do that, my relationships with people from other countries would not last. I met most of them in the ESL (English as Second Language) classes, so we did not develop real close relationships. I found that in that case, one person has to put more effort to maintain the relationship. Of course, the relationships with Koreans also require effort to keep the relationships, but with people from other countries, it requires more effort than with Koreans. I always put a lot of effort in maintaining relationships with people from other countries without having any expectations from them. This attitude makes me easily satisfied with the relationships with people from other countries.
I: How much do you think you understand people from other countries?
P: I think it is more important to accept them as they are rather than trying to understand them. I mean that instead of trying to understand them using my perspectives, I try to accept them as they are.
I: Do you find that it is easier to accept people from other countries as they are?
P: Yes. I find that it is not easy to accept Koreans as they are. But with people from other countries, it is easier because I expect them to be different from me from the beginning of the relationship. In addition, I do not know many people from other countries.
I: Do you feel as close to people from other countries as to Koreans?
P: I feel close to them, but do not feel comfortable with them. I think we do not spend enough time together to feel comfortable with each other. I believe that it takes time to feel comfortable with others. When I socialize with a new person, it is fun to spend time together initially, but I do not feel comfortable with her until we have known each other for a while. In addition, I am very careful around people from other countries because I do not want them to develop stereotypes about Koreans through watching my behaviors. Although I am not a diplomatic mission, I worry about giving them negative impressions about Koreans. So I am more conscious of the implications of my behaviors when I am with people from other countries.
I: So you do not feel comfortable around people from other countries although you feel close to them.
P: Right. I think one of the reasons for that is because I have not known them for a long time.
136 I: So you do not feel that you have known them long enough (to feel comfortable?)
P: Right.
I: Why?
P: I did not have chances to meet them for a while right after I came to America because I did not go to places such as a church where I could meet them. In addition, my English was poor at that time.
I: So you started to meet more people from other countries recently?
P: I think so. I have known one Japanese friend the longest and met two friends from Indonesia few months ago. I know a few American ladies from my English classes, but we only saw each other a few times outside of the class recently.
I: How did you have chances to get to know people from other countries?
P: I met friends from Indonesia through one of my Korean friends and met my Japanese friend from English class. In the case of my Japanese friend, she invited me to her place. I also had Turkish friends whom I met in my English class, and they invited me to their place as well. Usually my friends from other countries approached me first and invited me to their place or gave me a ride before we got close to each other. I was not good at initiating conversation with them.
I: Do you think that your relationships with people from other countries have influenced you?
P: I told my friend from Indonesia once that I was excited to get to know about her country through her. We leaned world history or world geography at school, but we do not really know much about other countries. Initially, I thought that Japanese or South Asians would be a lot different from Koreans, but I realized that fundamentally we are similar. Socializing with people from other countries gave me a chance to think about diversity. It was a good experience of getting to know each other through exploring each other‘s culture and perspectives. The interesting thing was that although, we have a language barrier between us, we could really understand each other. Sometimes, I felt more comfortable sharing things to my friends from other countries than to my Korean best friends.
I: Why do you think you experience that?
137 P: I think I am more straightforward with them.
I: Because you speak in English with them?
P: Yes. That is part of it. Also, since I do not have high expectations of them, I feel more comfortable talking with them.
I: Why you feel more comfortable talking with people when you do not have any expectations from people?
P: I am not sure about why, but I feel that way. If I have high expectations from the person, sometimes I cannot tell everything to them because I am afraid of their responses not meeting my expectations.
I: So you are afraid of their responses.
P: Right. For example, if I do not have enough money and tell it to my close Korean friend, ―I am struggling with financial problems.‖ My friend might worry about me. It is also embarrassing to talk about that kind of thing to my Korean friends. On the other hand, with friends from other countries, I can jokingly say, ―I am really poor. I do not have enough money.‖ It is a serious problem to me, but I can make a joke out of it when I speak in English. I think English makes me more talkative.
I: Why?
P: I can say things without thinking deeply about it.
I: Does it mean that when you speak in Korean, you think deeply about what you are going to say before saying it?
P: Yes.
I: Why do you think you give more thought about things you say in Korean than in English?
P: Because I know Korean better than English. So when I speak in Korean, I can use euphemisms or more refined expressions. But I cannot do that in English. I only know limited English vocabularies, so when I speak in English, I am more direct. For example, saying, ―I am happy‖ or ―I am unhappy‖, like that. But when I speak in Korean, I do not use that kind of
138 expression. I think when I speak in English, I express my feelings more directly.
I: Are you more honest when you speak in English because you only know simple English expressions?
P: Right. I only know direct ways of expressing things in English. However, I do not speak in Korean the way I speak in English. For example, if someone asks me if I want to have something, I would not simply say, ―I don‘t want to have it.‖ I would give a really long answer for the question to make my response more ambiguous.
I: Do you mean that because you know the language well, you make your message more ambiguous when you speak in Korean?
P: Yes. Since I know a lot, I think more before I talk. I also convey more complex meanings when I communicate in Korean.
I: However, when you speak in English, you can only express simple things and convey simple meanings.
P: Right. Because there are only limited expressions that I know in English, when I respond to a question in English, I can only give a simple answer, and my answer is the truth.
I: But when you speak in Korean, you can hide your truth because you can use ambiguous expressions.
P: Right. I can use abstract and vague expressions. I think more before I say things to make my message ambiguous when I speak in Korean. However, when I speak in English, thinking does not help me come up with more sophisticated expressions.
I: Do you think the language you use affects your relationships with others?
P: Sometimes, when I speak in English, I wonder whether I made a mistake or not. Also, when I hear other non natives speaking in English, I have the same concerns.
I: Are you concerned about saying the grammatically correct expressions?
P: No, I am not talking about the grammatically correct expression. When I speak in English, I tend to express emotions directly, but I feel that maybe I should think more about what I
139 would say before saying it. For example, when I speak in English, I feel ―No‖ is really strong ―No‖ and ―Yes‖ is really strong ―Yes‖.
I: So there is no room for the middle ground?
P: Right. I tend to exaggerate when I speak in English. For example, when I say, ―I like it‖, I usually say, ―I really like it‖. I noticed that I tend to use words that emphasize the meaning frequently, although I do not mean it. Koreans do not usually say the expression, ―Really like it.‖ I think Americans are inclined to exaggerate their emotions. So I am more likely to use more exaggerated expressions when I speak in English. I remember watching the sofa express advertisement on TV right after I came to America. The person in the advertisement said, ―I love sofas‖. I thought that it was ridiculous. How could a person love sofas? But now, I hear myself saying ―Love‖ a lot. Even when I eat food, I say, ―I love it.‖ It is ridiculous. How could I ―Love‖ food? For Koreans, love is a sacred word that even people who are in love do not say often to make it more meaningful. But in America, people say they love cats, dogs, and even sofas. Americans express their emotions more frequently than Koreans do.
I: Do you think English is a more emotional language?
P: I think the English language allows people to exaggerate emotion. I don‘t think people really love sofas. They can say that they really like sofas. Koreans do not value expressing emotions. They act the same whether they are happy or sad. When I was young, I thought that people who strongly express their feeling were frivolous. I think I have become frivolous since I came to America.
I: What are you not satisfied with in your relationships with people in America?
P: I am mostly satisfied with my relationships in America. One thing that I do not like about my relationships in America is that I only have chance to socialize with a certain group of people. I want to have a chance to meet young students who have flexible perspectives or older people, but I only have access to specific population, and that makes me feel stuck.
I: Do you feel that you have developed deep and meaningful relationships with people in America?
P: I try to develop deep and meaningful relationships with everybody. If I cannot have such relationships with others, it would be better staying at home alone. I always try to make my relationships with others meaningful regardless of the nature of the relationship.
140 I: Does it apply to both Koreans and non Koreans?
P: Yes. But I cannot speak for my relationship with American since I do not have close American friends.
I: Why do you think you do not have close American friends?
P: I met non Koreans at the ESL classes, but there are no Americans in the ESL classes.
I: So you have no American friends because you do not have a chance to meet them?
P: The teachers of my classes are Americans, but they are different from other people whom I met in the class. I found that American teachers are polite and have clear ideas about boundaries. So I do not feel comfortable contacting them outside of the class.
I: So they cannot be more than teachers?
P: Right. Also, I have never tried to develop personal relationships with them. I feel that they may not like it if I want to spend time with them outside of the class. Sometimes I want to call them, but it is easier to just e-mail them. I think that if I get to know Americans, I might have different feelings toward them.
I: In what ways would you experience them differently?
P: I am not sure.
I: If you imagine it.
P: I do not think it would be easy to develop relationships with Americans.
I: Do you mean develop close relationships with them?
P: Yes. I think it might take longer to develop relationships with them. Americans value privacy, so they might not contact me to respect my privacy. I may do the same to them.
I: So you feel that Americans put an emphasis on respecting privacy and boundaries in relationships?
141 P: Yes. I have one friend who married an American. It is possible that I did not feel comfortable with him because he is the husband of my friend, but it took me a while to feel comfortable with him. I think he felt the same way with me as well. Of course I would not feel immediately comfortable with the husbands of my Korean friends. It is difficult to say what I would experience in the relationships with Americans because I do not interact with them much.
I: How about your relationships with other Asians compared to your relationships with Koreans?
P: I do not experience any differences.
I: How would you evaluate your adjustment in America?
P: I am satisfied with the psychological and emotional aspects of my American life, but I feel that I do not live a productive life in America.
I: Could you tell me more about the psychological and emotional aspects of American life?
P: Because I had a lot of spare time, I had more time to contemplate on myself, and other people. I have been developing my own perspectives on understanding people. However, I did not produce anything tangible.
I: Although you are satisfied with your American life psychologically and emotionally, you do not have any tangible outcome from American life that you can present to others.
P: If I had an opportunity to live in a foreign country again, I would learn to drive first. So I could go to places such as a library, museums, and exhibitions by myself. Instead of focusing on emotional and psychological aspects of life, I want to learn and experience the culture. I also want to be more active in relationships instead of being passive. I think I was fairly passive in relationships with others in America. I did not initiate relationships and only spent time with people who approached me.
I: Why do you think you were passive in your relationships with others in America?
P: It was mainly because I did not drive. Because I could not drive to places to see others, I did not feel comfortable asking them to spend time with me.
142 I: Do you think that your inability to drive interfered with your adjustment in America?
P: I don‘t think it affected my adjustment, but I feel that if I could drive, I could be able to have more experiences in America. However, I think that because I was passive in relationships, it was easier to develop closer and intimate relationships with others. Others initiated relationships with me because they were already interested in me. So I could develop intimate relationships with them easily.
I: Why is it easier to develop close and intimate relationships with others if they approach you first?
P: (pause) well… it should not matter. But they wanted to develop relationship with me first.
I: Is it safer relationship to you in a way?
P: Yes. In a way… I tend to like most people, and if the other person also expressed interest in me, it would be easier to develop close relationship with them.
I: You mean that you are a kind of person who always invests significantly in developing relationships. So, if the other person who initiates a relationship with you also invests their efforts in developing a relationship with you, it would be easier to develop a close relationship.
P: Right. Also, even if I could drive a car, I would not be able to initiate relationships with others considering my personality. Because I cannot drive, I always have someone who gives me a ride. I always appreciate their help and try to reciprocate their favor by paying attention to their needs and wants. I think everything have two sides. If I could drive and actively seeking the things that I could achieve, I might have more tangible outcome from my American life, but I would not be able to develop meaningful relationships with as many people as I did.
I: So you probably would not put much effort in developing relationships if you could drive?
P: It is possible.
I: Have you ever experienced culture shock since you came to America?
P: I stayed at home all the time initially after coming to America. I rarely went out at that
143 time. So I do not think I truly experienced American life. I also have lived in the same place since I came to America. One of my Korean friends came to visit me few months ago and, at that time, my neighbors had an argument with each other. They were cussing at each other, and it was the first time I heard Americans saying cuss words to another person other than from TV dramas or movies. It was surprising and interesting to me because it was my first time witnessing such a thing, so I told my Korean friend, ―Hey look at them. They are cussing at each other.‖ My friend asked me if it was my first time hearing people saying cuss words. Then she said that she used to hear it everyday when she was living in Maryland. She had a lot of experiences in America such as attending school, working, taking care of everyday tasks in America by herself, and living in a poor neighborhood. So she has some good experiences and some bad experiences in America. I have lived in a nice neighborhood and people are gentle and nice. It took me four years to witness people cussing at each other. I also thought that I would see a lot of Americans kissing on the street before I came to America, but I have never seen it. I saw people kissing on the street in Korea. My experiences in America were a lot different from my stereotypes about America. I have never seen a gun and have never heard the sound of a gun shot in America other than from TV news. So although I have lived in America, I am not sure if I really experienced American life. I do not think I have lived like American in America.
I: Sounds like you feel that you have a sheltered life in America.
P: Right. I was sheltered like a princess in the castle. I did not have to make money and did not have to go somewhere to do something in America. I only heard people saying nice things to me, and no one has told me anything bad. I did not even experience racism. So if someone asks me about American life, I do not feel confident to respond to that question. I did not really experience American life.
I: Do you think that you did not have to adjust in America although you have lived in America?
P: Right. Of course going to the grocery store was difficult initially, but I did not have to work to make a living in America. Compared to my life in Korea, I was more sheltered and lived like a person living in a small town in America. I did not have to take care of anything.
I: Compared to your life in Korea, your life in America was life in a small town?
P: Before I came to America, I thought that I would be able to dye my hair red and yellow and wear sexy outfits, but I could not do any of those after coming to America. But I realized
144 that I am more conscious about what I am doing in America.
I: Why?
P: I feel that I had to watch what I am doing more carefully because I live in a small community. I feel that people are always watching me.
I: What do you mean by that?
P: The Korean community in my city is smaller than that in Seoul, so it seems that everybody knows everybody.
I: So you feel that there is not much privacy for you because you can run into a Korean at any place in town?
P: Right.
I: Do you think that your experience is specifically tied to your city or would you have the same experience in anywhere in America?
P: I think that if I were in a city where no Koreans live, then my experiences would be different. After living in my city for a few years, although I do not know every Koreans personally, I can recognize Koreans if I see them. With non Koreans, I am conscious about how I would be perceived because I do not want to give them a bad impression about Koreans, and with Koreans, I am careful because I do not want them to gossip about me. So I pay attention to what I wear and what I do carefully. It seems that there are unspoken regulations.
I: Unspoken regulations? For example?
P: I try not to be too much different from others appearance wise. I thought that I would not need to care about how others would perceive my appearance in America, but I realized that any place in the world is basically similar.
I: So you cannot be free from thinking about how others would perceive you?
P: Right.
145 I: Have you ever encountered a situation in America that you could not make sense of?
P: Less than a month after we moved into our apartment, we received a letter stating that we had to leave our apartment because we did not pay for gas. I could not understand that because we paid for the gas bill. Later, we found that the Gas Company made a mistake in processing our bill. We received the eviction letter twice. I was surprised by the way the American system deals with such issues. That kind of thing cannot happen in Korea. I experienced that kind of situation few times. They send an eviction notice without checking if we did not really pay for the bill. It was the most surprising thing that I experienced in America. I had a similar experience few more times, but we did not receive an eviction notice at that time. I found that we were often blamed for the phone company, gas company, or credit card company‘s mistakes. It is not easy to argue with them because of our communication difficulties in English. It is not really racism but linguicism. When my husband had a car accident, it was the other person‘s fault, and the other person admitted her mistakes to my husband. However, when she talked to our insurance agency, she blamed my husband for the accident. She totally changed her word. Although the accident was not our fault, our insurance company was not nice to us either because we did not speak good English. After experiencing such things, I thought that it would not be easy to live in America if I had to take care of everything for myself. I like many things about America, but I think I will run into a lot of problems if I want to fit into American society.
I: What kind of problems would you encounter?
P: Language would be the biggest challenge. I cannot freely communicate in English. Because of my difficulties with communication, I may not be able to protect my own rights. At times, I might be blamed for things that I did not do but might not be able to prove my innocence. In addition, I feel that it would not be easy to live in America as an Asian. I am visibly different from the majority of Americans. Some Hispanics look European, but Asians look visibly different from Europeans. I would not feel totally American even if I lived in America forever.
I: Because of your appearance?
P: Right. So I think that it would not be easy to be assimilated into the American society as a Korean who immigrates to America as an adult. The more I live in America the more I am certain about this idea. Koreans have difficulty giving up Korean values and ways of thinking, and even though Koreans live in America, they live within the Korean community in America. They are not integrated into American society.
146 I: Why do you think Koreans do that?
P: From my observation, I feel that Koreans do not make enough effort to fit into the American society. They do not make changes to assimilate into American society and expect the American society to change.
I: Why do Koreans have to change?
P: I think that if they want to live in America, they should make changes to fit into American society. For example, the American party culture is different from the Korean party culture. Americans eat pizza and drink beer while socializing with people at a party whereas the Korean party is centered on eating food. I think if Koreans want to live in America, they should work hard to change themselves to adjust to the American society. In my opinion, older Koreans in America have difficulties making changes to fit in. So they live in America as Korean. It could be a good thing or bad thing, but if I had to stay in America, I would try to change myself to fit into American culture and society.
I: You have lived in America about four years. Do you think you have changed in any ways? In what ways were you influenced by American culture?
P: Most of all, I express my feeling more honestly. I could not say ―Yes‖ or ―No‖ easily when I was in Korea. However, now I say, ―Yes‖, if I like it and say, ―No‖, if I do not like it. That is the biggest change for me. Another change is that, now, I respect diversity. I always thought that I respect diversity but did not really experience diversity. But experiencing diversity first hand helped me understand diversity. I also leaned that American culture is a lot different from what I thought it would be. My experiences challenged my stereotypes about America.
I: What were your stereotypes about America?
P: As I said before, I thought that I would see a lot of Americans kissing on the street or cussing in public, and Americans would be wealthy since it is a wealthy country. I found that Americans are frugal and live a simple life. They also have a family centered life style. When I was in Korea, I lived in a big city. I had a busy life style. Compared to that, Americans in my city have a more family centered and simpler life style. They go to a church on Sunday, have meals with the family, and go to bad early.
I: So Americans live a simpler life than you thought?
147 P: Right. I think in a way it is good. I have more time for myself in America so I tried things like making quilts and reading books. Compared to my life in Korea, I spend less time drinking and partying and have found more things that I could enjoy. That is the reason why I feel that I lived like a small town person.
Interview # 3 This interview was done few months after she moved back to Korea and she is in Korea now.
I: I asked you if experiencing American culture affected your personal growth in our first interview and you responded that you are not sure about it. Could you tell me why you were not sure about it?
P: After I came back to Korea, I could feel how much I had grown personally as a result of being exposed to American culture. However, at that time, I was inside of American culture, so I was not sure about how it affected me. It is like when you are inside of the forest, you cannot see the forest.
I: So after you went back to Korea, you realized that you grew personally as a result of experiencing American culture?
P: I compared American culture and Korean culture. Good things, bad things, things that I did not know when I was in Korea. I think it expanded my horizon.
I: What kind of things you compared?
P: My thoughts about people from different countries, other cultures, and other things. By doing that, I reduced my prejudices and expanded my perspectives.
I: Do you mean you understand various perspectives?
P: Right. I understand and became more curious about different perspectives. America is a large country, so I had opportunities to experience and learn different things. I had a chance to contemplate on a lot of things, which helped me with inner maturity. I could think and feel about things that I could not process when I was too busy. I also think that learning a new language helped me learn diversity indirectly. It affected my thinking.
I: In what ways did it affect your thinking?
148 P: It is not easy to articulate, but I feel that language dominates thinking. I experience some changes in my thinking although it is not easy to explain.
I: Do you experience some changes in your thinking style when you use different language?
P: Yes. For example, I say things in Korean the way I would say in English, and it affects the way I think.
I: What kind of differences in thinking style have you recognized between English and Korean?
P: It is a difficult question. For example, word order is different. (English word order is) subject verb object and (Korean word order is) subject object verb. It is hard to explain, but I feel that the two languages are different. I feel my answer is too ambiguous.
I: Do you mean that Korean and English word order is different, and the values and perspectives inherent in both languages are also different?
P: Yes. Also both languages contain different points of views.
I: In what ways?
P: I am not really sure about it yet.
I: How was your adjustment in Korea after experiencing life in America?
P: My adjustment was fast on the surface level, but it is not easy to adjust internally and fundamentally. It is not easy to adjust to the uniformity of the Korean society. I think I became more individualistic while I was in America. My focus has changed from ―we‖ to ―I‖.
I: How did it affect your adjustment in Korea?
P: For example, I do not like Koreans sharing food at a restaurant. My struggle with adjustment is not really noticeable, but some aspects of me might be perceived by others as weird. I feel that I have changed more than Koreans who have lived in America longer than me. I am internally changed. I do not know why I have changed so much.
I: Do you think your internal changes have affected your interpersonal relationships?
149 P: Yes. Now, I prefer meeting people to work on a project. I enjoy spending time with people who work toward the same goal.
I: Why?
P: I do not enjoy eating, chatting, and just having fun with others anymore. I also feel that it is not easy to talk with people who are conservative and nationalistic. I don‘t know why. It is hard to stand people who do not accept diversity, value uniformity, and ignore fringe groups. Korean culture has tendency to do that. Koreans are like canned food made in a factory.
Minho Interview #1 I: How would you compare the Korean culture with the American culture?
P: Are you asking me about my personal opinion?
I: Yes.
P: I am not sure if there is a particular American culture. I have been trying to figure out what American culture is, but I haven‘t figured it out yet. I thought that maybe I have some preconceptions about the American culture, if there is a definable American culture. So I asked other Americans such as Korean Americans and my American lab mates if they could define American culture and their responses were, ―I don‘t know.‖ I have given a lot of thought and have observed everything that I have encountered in America such as food and tradition to figure out American culture, but I am still not sure what exactly it is. Korean culture is the culture that I have lived in and that every Koreans would agree is their culture.
I: What would that be?
P: Well… the Korean culture is… Do you watch the American sitcom ―Friends‖? I think the culture depicted in the ―Friends‖ is really similar to the Korean culture. Characters in the ―Friends‖ care about each other to the point that there are no personal boundaries among them. I think that is the most characteristic aspect of the Korean culture.
I: Have you experienced any differences between Korea and America?
P: Every place in Korea is really crowded with people. In Korea, if I express some interest in another group, I could be a part of that group. On the other hand, Americans do not show
150 much interest in others. As I have stayed in America, I have also lost interest in others. The biggest difference between Korea and America that I have experienced is Americans‘ indifference toward other people. From my experience, Koreans are always interested in others, but Americans are not.
I: Do you think that your being a foreigner has anything to do with your experience of indifference from Americans?
P: No, I don‘t think so. I think Americans are just not interested in other people.
I: Do you think the differences between Korean and American cultures have affected you?
P: I don‘t think so. I think it is because I have gone through so many changes in my life already. Through all the changes that I have experienced, I have developed my ego and I have perspectives that are not easily affected by external changes. So I don‘t think I have been affected by American culture.
I: How would you compare yourself in Korea and in America?
P: Could you give me a more specific question?
I: For example, yourself in your relationships with others, your attitude toward life or your values.
P: I have not experienced any differences. I have not lived with my family since I was twenty years old. So although I live in a different country now, my life style has not changed much.
I: Is it because you did not live with your family even when you were in Korea?
P: Yes. The only difference is that until 1999, I did not have to think about food, clothes and a place to stay because I was in the Korean army. My uniform was provided by the military, and I had meals prepared by cooks in the army. But now, since I am an international student, I have to come up with money to pay for tuition. In addition, as you know, the biggest difficulty that single international students experience is not the schoolwork but the managing of a household; figuring out things that are essential for living besides schoolwork. It gives me an opportunity to think about things that I am not used to having to worry abut. However, I do not think it is necessarily caused by the differences between Korean life and American life.
151 I: You mean that you have experienced some changes since you came to America, but you are not sure if the changes can be attributed to your being in America or other changes in your life circumstances?
P: Yes. In my case I did not have to worry about fulfilling my basic needs such as food, clothes and shelter until I came to America. I had an opportunity to figure out these things as I left the military in Korea and came to America.
I: How long have you been in America?
P: I came to America in 2000. I have been in America since then except one year, so about six years. I was working in Korea for one year after I got my master‘s degree.
I: Do you find any differences between the first time you came to America and now?
P: Yes. I see a lot of differences.
I: What differences have you experienced?
P: The biggest difference I experience is my financial situation. When I was in the master‘s program, I struggled a lot with financial problems. I felt like I burned my bridges. I saved $17,000 for my cost of living and tuition before I came to America. If I spent it all, I would not even eat. Before I started the PhD. program, I worked one year to make money, and at that time, I also figured out ways in which I could resolve potential financial problems through exploring potential financial resources. That was the biggest difference between the first time I came to America and now. Other things are mostly the same since I came back to the same school.
I: You mean there have not been any changes in your life style or values?
P: I think I also experienced some changes in my values.
I: Could you tell me more about it?
P: When I decided to come to America to study, I justified my decision. Before I decided to come to America, I applied for the graduate program at the KAIST (Korea Advanced Institute for Science and Technology). I was going to be discharged from the military in February of 1999, so I applied for the graduate program at the KAIST in August of 1998. However, I
152 failed the first round graduate school entrance evaluations. My TOEFL (Test of English as Foreign Language) score was good enough, but my undergraduate GPA was the problem. So for the next month, I gave a lot of thought to my decisions about my future and made up my mind to go to America for graduate education. I found that I only needed to study for the TOEFL to apply for graduate school in America, which helped me make the decision. That means that I did not need to prepare for other tests since I had already studied for the TOEFL. So, my excuse for applying for graduate school in America was that American graduate schools are less competitive than those in Korea. In addition, I always wanted to learn a foreign language, so if I went to graduate school in America, I could satisfy both of my desires; going to graduate school and learning a foreign language. Besides, I wanted to get my doctoral degree in America even if I got my masters degree in Korea. Anyway… that was how I made the decision to come to America and justified it. Now, if someone asks me about my impression of American society, I would say that it is hypocritical. For example, when I was in my early twenties, I felt happy when Americans praised me for my English. I thought that American culture must value giving praise to others. However, after I came to America and heard Americans talking about foreigners‘ English, I realized that they did not really mean it when they praised a foreigner‘s English. I found that Americans make a fun of foreigners‘ English, and even on television programs, I often see Americans look down on foreigners or joke about their English. It gives me negative impressions about Americans. I was thinking that Americans must be insecure since they have a need to make a fun of foreigners‘ English.
I: You feel that Americans have too much pride in their ability to speak in good English?
P: Language is just one example, but also other things give me negative impressions of American society. America is supposed to be a more advanced nation than many other countries in the world, but my experiences with their medical system reveals a lot of problems. Mostly it is just too expensive. I am not sure what the standards for an advanced nation are, but my experience with the American system was different from that of my idea of an advanced nation.
I: Have you developed more negative impressions of America since you came to America compared to before coming to America?
P: Yes, I have.
I: How did it affect you?
153 P: I think I had developed a better perspective.
I: What do you mean by that?
P: A better perspective on my fantasy about America.
I: You mean you do not have a fantasy about America anymore?
P: I do not think I had much of a fantasy about America to begin with, but by coming to America, I could ground the fantasy about the place that I had never been to. My life had always been led by my own curiosity. I changed my path when I was curious about other paths. For example, I had attended a regular university in Korea for one year and than went to the Korean military academy (Army) because I was curious about it. If I had not attended the Korean military academy, I would always be wondering about the kind of experiences that I could have had in that school. I believe that curiosity creates fantasy and the only way I can ground the fantasy is to actually experience the situation that I am curious about.
I: So you grounded your fantasy about America. Do you think your experiences have caused any changes in your worldviews as a result of living in America?
P: Changes in worldviews? It is a difficult question. I do not think my worldviews have changed as a result of living in America.
I: Why do you think you have not experienced any changes?
P: A lot of Koreans who come to America for the first time may feel strange to see more blonde haired people than black haired people on the street. But I did not experience it because I was born and raised in Dongduchun (one of the sub-district of the Seoul). Have you ever been to Dongduchun? It is a very unique area in Seoul. I have seen more Americans in Dongduchun as a young child than on high street in my city now. So when I came to America, I felt like I went back to my childhood hometown. So I did not experience major changes because I came to America.
I: In a way, do you feel that you had already been significantly exposed to American culture?
P: Yes, I do.
I: Could you tell me about your interpersonal relationships in America? Who do you usually
154 spend time with?
P: About the same as when I was in Korea. You have to know that the engineering departments have so many Korean students that our life is not much different from life in Korea. When I was in my master‘s program, before I received the funding from my advisor, I often went to the engineering library to study. There were so many Korean students in front of the library around 8 to 9pm smoking cigarettes and chatting in Korean. Occasionally, I saw some American students who walked by the library. It almost felt like I was in Korea and American students were international students in Korea. Although I live in America, there are only a few places where I spend my time, and in that small circle, I do not experience much difference from my life in Korea.
I: Have you experienced any differences in your relationships with Koreans in Korea and in America?
P: I don‘t think so.
I: Have you developed relationships with some Americans?
P: I found that it is difficult to develop relationships with Americans.
I: Why?
P: One of the reasons that I am sure about is age difference. My American lab mate who is in the master‘s program is eight years younger than when I was in the master‘s program. Since he is a lot younger than me, his interests do not intersect with mine. Probably that would apply to Koreans as well. However, with Americans, a combination of cultural differences and age differences make developing relationships more difficult. By cultural differences, I am referring to how Americans are used to an individualistic culture, and I as a Korean feel more comfortable with a collectivistic culture. So, we (he and his American lab mate) did not talk unless we are in the lab. However, when I am in the lab, my best friend is my computer, so generally I do not even talk to the Korean students. Maybe it is the unique situation of engineering students.
I: What kind of challenges have you experienced since you came to America?
P: Language was the most challenging thing. When I had financial difficulties, I was looking for ways in which I could get some financial support. I found that there was a GA position,
155 and in order to apply for the position, I had to receive three letters of recommendation from professors. At that time, there was one faculty member who I considered to be my advisor. I had attended his research meeting for eight months at that point. I asked him if he could write a recommendation letter for me. He responded that I could learn about school rules and regulations, but he did not think my English was good enough for the position. My language skills restricted the positions that I could apply for. If I could not get financial support, I could not register for the next semester, which meant my graduation would be postponed. Language was not completely related to my ability to comprehend and perform the tasks, but it made my life difficult in America.
I: What aspects of language (English) gave you the most challenges?
P: My limited English vocabulary gave me the most trouble. Koreans often say that English classes in junior high and high school in Korea focus too much on teaching grammar. I think grammar is easier to study when one is committed to learn and understand English grammar. If one is used to English grammar, he/she can generate English sentences without composing them in one‘s head. Anyway… as far as I am concerned, difficulties with English grammar can be overcome by practice. However, vocabulary is another thing. I don‘t think that we can use vocabulary that we learned in our English classes in our daily life. I found that most words Americans use are different from the ones that we learned in our English classes. Of course there are some exceptions such as ―be.‖ Also, when I read Reader‘s Digest, I realized that I there were a lot of words in there that I never studied, but that Americans use. It is almost like there are two groups of English vocabulary, and we are taught group A vocabulary but Americans actually use group B vocabulary in their everyday conversations. Americans use practical vocabulary that I have never seen in our textbooks. It is difficult.
I: So did you find that the English vocabulary that you learned in your English textbook was useless?
P: Yes. I think it would be more helpful if advanced English courses taught practical vocabulary from sources such as magazines instead of teaching TOEFL.
I: So language barriers make your life in America difficult. Is there anything about American life that you like?
P: My favorite part of American life is that I had the opportunity to drive through the American West. That trip was really impressive, and if I have time to do it again, I would try it one more time.
156 I: So having opportunities to travel is the best aspect of living in America?
P: Yes.
I: Do you think your experiences of traveling in America helped your personal growth as well?
P: Yes, I do.
I: Could you tell me more about it?
P: There are several elements about traveling in America that helped my personal growth. I do not mean that traveling in Korea is not as good as traveling in America. But my experiences of traveling in America enabled compare the two countries. In addition, driving through a huge country helped me fully experience how big the world is. I almost felt like I was driving through the entire world. I had opportunities to see amazing scenery while driving, and it frightened me when I was driving alone for hours on the endless road. I saw huge chunks of land that have not been developed yet, which reminded me of the potential of America. I felt that if Korean politicians saw what I saw, they would do a better job governing the country. I also thought that if Koreans in various fields have a chance to experience what I felt while traveling in America, they would be able to apply whatever inspiration they had from the traveling to develop more refined products in their field.
I: You went back to Korea and stayed for one year after getting your master‘s degree. What was your experience like?
P: I was happy to be back at the airport. And it felt weird for few minutes when I saw all the people with black hair after going through all of the entry inspection at the airport. Other than that, I was fine. My girlfriend came to the airport to pick me up, and driving in Seoul was refreshing. There were so many cars on the street (unlike the city I used to live in America).
I: So you did not experience any changes when you went back to Korea after living in America for few years.
P: No, I didn‘t.
I: Have you had any new experiences as you‘ve lived in America?
157 P: Certainly attending a graduate school in itself was a new experience since I had been in the Korean army for years before coming to America. Even if I had attended a graduate school in Korea, it would be a new experience. When I attended the Korean military academy (army), the education was not focused on my major. I took more general education classes than major classes. So when I started graduate school, I felt like I was starting all over again from the basics of my major. It was a new experience. It was difficult to study both undergraduate and graduate level materials, but I could experience a sharp learning curve as I was studying books in my major regardless of my grade. I wanted to know whether my graduate school experiences had something to do with being in an American graduate school, so I asked other Korean graduate students. I found that American graduate school offers different experiences than that in Korea—for example a different lab atmosphere. In that regard, I am glad I decided to come to America to study.
I: So you experienced some positives in America.
P: Yes. There are some positives (laugh). I just do not like the way American society is. Actually, I thought that people might ask me why I came to America to study if I only talk about negative things about America. So I prepared the answer for that question in advance. So what actually happened was that I came to study under my advisor who happened to be a first generation immigrant from India and he happened to be in America. So I did not choose America. I chose my advisor.
I: Do you have positive feelings about the education that you receive in America?
P: Yes, I do.
I: In what ways do you think American education is positive?
P: First of all, in Korea, only students who are good at everything go to college. I don‘t think that is the case in America. American education system gives students who are only good at a specific area a chance to pursue their talent. I like that. I found that American high school students who come to college study as much as Koreans. Like other Koreans, I initially thought that American students did not study until they go to college. But I learned that it is not true. I found a calculus textbook in the library by chance. It was the textbook for a 100 level course but the content was more like Korean high school calculus. So I thought that Americans learn Korean high school calculus in college. I asked one of my friends who majors in mathematics, and he said that if college students study calculus for the first time in college, they cannot graduate in four years. He said that if college students want to graduate
158 in four years, they need to study extra materials before coming to college. However, I still feel that American students have more chances to focus on their own talents than Korean students. I feel that the Korean education system has some limits.
I: How did having a chance to experience an American education affect you?
P: First of all, an American education helped me change my career path-- although it was my decision. In addition, it helped me apply what I learned from school to my work when I was working in Korea after getting a master‘s degree. My research in my master‘s program was applicable to my job. If I had gone to graduate school in Korea, it would not have been possible.
I: Why?
P: I could not find a master‘s program in Korea that was designed like my program.
I: What do you mean?
P: In my program, we learn about the overall car system. In addition to that we learn more details about the system by bringing an actual project from auto companies and working on developing a better system without time limits.
I: Do you mean you have a chance to learn more practical things in American graduate school?
P: We learn more practical things, and we also have opportunities to contemplate on ―why.‖ People working in the industry do not have time to think about ―why‖ using theories, but students have chances to work on practical projects using academic skills.
I: Do you think Korean graduate schools do not teach practical things?
P: I don‘t think so.
I: Have you experienced new situations since you came to America? Can you think of new situations that you encountered because you lived in America?
P: New situations that I encountered because I was in America? (Pause) I cannot think of any… Maybe I have not fully experienced American life. But, I can think of the kinds of
159 situations that I experienced because I was a foreigner. Sometimes I held myself back even when I was upset because I am a foreigner.
I: Could you tell me more about it?
P: For example, I was driving my car a little bit fast on the narrow street and saw a person on a bike. I stopped the car quickly and waved my hand to express my apology. But he gave me a hand gesture of ―fuck you‖. It was not the only time I experienced that. When I learned English for four years in the Korean military academy from an American teacher, I was taught that slangs are low class English and we should not use them.
I: How do you make a sense of that experience?
P: Even if I were in Korea and experienced the same situation, I would try not to make a big deal of it because I wouldn‘t want the other person to damage my car. Usually I do not fight with others unless the situation is really serious, but if I have to fight, I do not hesitate. But, in general, when I was in Korea, I told myself that not fighting is winning. But, in America, sometimes I do not fight because of my status. I heard that I can be deported if I have any legal trouble. Another time, I was driving my car in the apartment complex, and there was a minor collision between my car and another car. We both checked our cars after the collision. I found that the other car was okay, but there was a big scratch on my car. The women in the other car were smiling at me and said that they felt sorry about my car, but the man said with a threatening attitude that I should watch what I was doing. He also suggested that he would call a policeman. If I were in Korea, I wouldn‘t have any problem with having police in the scene, but because I did not want to have any legal problem on my record, I kept saying, ―I am sorry.‖
I: Situations that you have to compromise yourself just because you are a foreigner.
P: Yes. Although these situations are not important situations, it still bothers me.
I: Is there anything about Korea that you see differently because you came to America?
P: If I were in Korea and had a job, I said this to my friends, I would pay more attention to things that others are also interested in such as buying a house and ways to invest money to make more money to buy a house. For a while, ―two jobs‖ was a popular thing to do in Korea. It means that people have a second job after their work schedule. For example, they tutor high school students or invest money in the stock market. Because I am in America and do not
160 have to worry about buying a house right now, I have time to pay attention to Korean politics and world politics. I worry about my country a lot because I know more about what is going on in Korea than my friends in Korea. I often watch CNN to practice listening in English, so I watch carefully about their report on North Korea. I think about American‘s perspectives on North Korean issues. I also pay close attention to things that happen in the world. I think that has been a big change since I came to America.
I: Do you usually spend time with your Korean friends and your advisor in America?
P: Yes, I do.
I: Compared to your relationships with professors back home, how would you describe your relationship with your advisor in America?
P: I interact with my advisor the same way I interacted with my Korean professors. I do not consider them differently. I was surprised when I saw that my Korean lab mate gave a nod to our advisor. So I asked him, ―Why do you give a nod to him?‖ and he said that the Asian Indian culture (his advisor is an Asian Indian) also has a tradition of giving a nod to express respect. So my advisor likes students to give him a nod. So I give him a nod whenever I see him and treat him the way I would treat a Korean professor.
I: Do you think your attitude toward your advisor affects your relationship with him?
P: I believe that if someone dislikes me and bad-mouths me behind my back, I could feel it, and my feeling has been confirmed from experiences. Although my advisor has not expressed this openly, (I think he knows that I respect him.) I sometimes complain about my advisor, but that does not mean I disrespect him or dislike him. For a while, he did not have funds to support me, but he wrote a personal check to me several times. I feel that he knows that I respect him as a professor and he takes care of me because he knows how I feel about him. I do not think my attitude toward him causes any problem between us.
I: It sounds like your attitude toward your advisor has affected your relationship with your advisor in a positive way.
P: Right.
I: Is there anything you have learned from you experiences in America? Anything you have learned about yourself?
161 P: I have learned that my grades do not reflect what I really know. I have also learned that I am not good at getting good grades. When I graduated from the Korean military academy, I thought about things that I had not had a chance to do and realized that I have done a lot of things. I even had parachuted in the army. But I realized that I did not have a chance to devote myself to study. That was the reason why I decided to come to America for further education. I took more than a thousand exams while I was in the Korean military academy, but I did not think that required real academic work. I wrote this in my diary before I came to America: ―I will go to America to study in a few days. I feel excited and anxious.‖ At that time, I wondered about my ability to compete against other students from all over the world. Now, I do not think about the competition much and decide to accept my difficulties with getting good grades. Instead, I put more meaning in learning and experiencing new things and personal growth. I think that I have been successful in achieving those goals.
I: I asked you a lot of questions about your life in America. Is there anything that you want to add?
P: From my observations, Americans are simple. They do not think deeply. In my opinion, in order to really experience happiness, people need to understand sorrow. I do not mean sadness and sorrow on an individual level but on a nation-wide level. I do not think America as a nation has experienced sadness. I think that has affected Americans‘ life. They are individualistic, but moreover, I am not sure if they really work hard for their personal growth. I originally thought Americans are really into playing sports, and sports are an important part of American life, but I found that it is not true. I learned that from watching my lab mates. Especially Koreans in America, although nowadays in Korea, well-being is a popular concept, if they do not have a hobby, they would be in a worse position than Americans. Life in America is not exciting for them. But for someone like me, who constantly ask questions to oneself about everything and tries to get to know myself to improve my life, America offers the best opportunity.
I: In what ways does America offer the best opportunity?
P: Compared to Korean life, American life provides people more privacy. People are less involved with others‘ lives and have more freedom to try different things. In that regard, America offers more opportunity to explore different options to people.
I: So you have more freedom to improve yourself.
P: Yes. If people have a job, their work schedule affects their life. Most people in Korea have
162 to work more than eight hours per day, but most Americans work eight to five. So the American system gives people more time to pursue their personal growth.
I: People in America have more time to invest on their growth?
P: Yes. But it does not mean that people use that time effectively for their own growth. So in order to get the most out of the American system, one has to know if he/she is really determined to work toward developing their potential.
I: Do you think you have achieved personal growth since you came to America?
P: I have been trying.
I: In what ways, have you tried to develop yourself?
P: I like playing sports and getting exercise. So I try to use the school gym as much as I can. I also want to join a team at the gym if I have time. I always try to use the system that matches with my own interests as much as I can. I feel that there are a lot of well developed systems in America that offer people opportunities to deepen their interests. It seems that Korea as a country that cannot afford to offer those kinds of opportunities to people. Korea has developed significantly and has become an advanced country in the past several decades, but in order to achieve that stature, people had to devote themselves to develop the country. Because of this, Koreans have not had a chance to develop their own personal interests.
I: So you feel that you have more room to develop yourself in America.
P: Yes.
I: In what ways you think you have more room to develop yourself in America?
P: First of all, I have more time for myself. Also, I feel that Americans are more easy going than Koreans because they have never been attacked by other countries. Koreans are unconsciously affected by world politics such as the North Korean nuclear weapons issue because that kind of thing is closer to home for Koreans. Koreans are more affected by the way society is although they are not aware of it. They cannot do anything about it. I think that is an important factor which determines Koreans‘ lives.
I: You mean that since Korea has often been attacked by other counties throughout history,
163 Korean culture became more uptight, but America has not been attacked by other countries, which allows Americans to have more relaxed life.
P: Correct. I watched the history of the rivalry football games between my university and the rival university last year and realized that the years the games were held were during the years that Korea was colonized by Japan and during the Korean War. That shows the differences between two countries. Probably those experiences have affected the differences between the two cultures.
I: You mean the differences in significant historical events between Korea and America influence the differences in their cultures?
P: Yes.
I: Thank you for sharing your experiences in America with me. Do you mind if I contact you again to ask you more questions about your experiences?
P: Sure.
Interview #2 I: Could you tell me about your relationships with people in America?
P: Like other Koreans in America, I spend most of my time with Koreans. Initially, when I was in the master‘s program, I did not really have time to develop relationships. I found a roommate before I came to America so I did not have to talk to other people to find a roommate. At that time, my priority was figuring out ways to survive in America, so meeting new people was not my priority. Of course, at that time, I did not have much time to socialize with Koreans either. The only thing I could afford to do with Korean students was having a coffee break. I also had to collect information about ways to get financial support, and international students are in a different situation from domestic students. So, I had to get information from other Korean students who know about what I needed to do to get financial support. I tried to meet Americans for a while, but the only American I actually met was a conversation partner (Conversation partner is an American student who volunteers to spend time with an international student to help him/her practice speaking in English. Usually the international student office in university offers the conversation partner program to help international students‘ adjustment in America). I am not sure why it was difficult to develop relationships with Americans. It could be attributed to the lack of the topics for conversation due to cultural differences or age differences. I had the same experience when I went to
164 Australia to study English. At that time, I had chances to talk to people from South East Asia, and they only talked about boyfriend and girlfriend stuff. I did not spend much time with them because I was not interested in that sort of thing. I also had chances to get to know second generation Koreans, Korean students who were born in America. It seemed that they felt more comfortable talking to me because I was a graduate student. Because there were age differences between us, they shared more things that are important to them, and we could make some kind of connection from that.
I: Were the second generation Koreans undergraduate students?
P: Yes. I heard that undergraduate students from Korea and second generation Korean undergraduate students do not mingle with each other. Their relationship is like the relationship between really wealthy people and average middle class people. Undergraduate students from Korea are usually wealthy and can spend as much money as they want, but the second generation Korean undergraduate students cannot afford to do that. They do not share the same play culture. The same phenomenon naturally happens in Korea as well. However, graduate students are not like the wealthy undergraduate students from Korea. I think that was the reason why we could relate to each other easier.
I: Didn‘t you find that age differences between you and them affected the quality of conversation?
P: One of my friends told me about the second generation Korean students from his own experiences with them. It was helpful. Their parents came to America 20 to 30 years ago and taught them the Korean culture that their parents know. So, they are stuck in that period when it comes to their understanding of Korean culture. Korea was more conservative back then. I found that they are modest and naive. Most of the second generation Korean students who I met were the children of the parents who are involved with UBF (University Bible Fellowship), and their parents said to me that they were worried about their children learning Korean language. Their parents only taught English to their children, spoke in English at home, and were uninterested in Korea. However, they were interested in learning Korean language, took Korean classes, and had some fantasies about Korea. Maybe their curiosity about Korea was in their blood. Anyway, there was a language exchange program ran by a Korean graduate student in the linguistics department. So I participated in meeting regularly and met some second generation Korean students in the program. That was the only time I got to know undergraduate students. I think that even if I were in Korea, as a graduate student, I would not have many chances to get to know undergraduate students. If I want to meet Americans, it has to be in the same lab. But, there were not many Americans in my lab. I only
165 had a chance to spend some time with the one American lab mate during my master‘s program.
I: Are there any Americans in your lab now?
P: No, there isn‘t. There is one Japanese working as a post doctoral associate, one Chinese graduate student, three Korean post doctoral associates, and one American female undergraduate student working in my lab. However, she rarely comes to the lab. My advisor offers her advising in his office, and she will graduate soon. Even if I were in America to study English and were actively looking for Americans to socialize with, it would be difficult to have a chance to meet Americans. But, my priority for now is my research, so it is more difficult to have a chance to meet Americans.
I: It seems that one of the biggest reasons why you do not have American friends is that you do not have a chance to meet them.
P: That is correct. In addition, I am interested in history and politics, and as I learned more about what Americans have done to other countries throughout history, I developed negative feelings toward them. So, unless Americans approach me because they are interested in Korea, I do not feel a need to work hard to develop relationships with them. I do not feel a need to get to know Americans because I do not think that they can offer me something. For example, I like traveling, but I found that most Americans do not know much about places in America other than where they live. So they cannot offer information about traveling in America for me. However, I have a plan to make at least one American friend through one of my friends who is a visiting scholar in the international studies department at my school.
I: Why do you want to get to know a student from the culture related department?
P: Because I want to have a chance to practice English and want to inform the person about Korean culture the way I understand it. Let‘s face it. There is a lot of misinformation about Korea even in the Korean history textbooks in Korea. For example, some Korean history books indicate that North Korea areas were colonized by China until the end of the Japanese occupation in Korea. I want to correct that kind of misinformation. Samsung is a Korean company that we are very proud of, but some Americans think it is a Japanese company. It is lamentable.
I: So you want to correct their misinformation.
166 P: Yes. I do not trust popular news sources or mass media entirely. When I believe that I know the truth that is not consistent with the report from the mass media, I want to inform both Koreans and Americans. If Americans are willing to learn more about Korea, I want to inform them the truth that I know. That is the reason why I want to meet Americans studying culture.
I: Are you satisfied with your relationships with Koreans in America?
P: I am satisfied with my relationships with Koreans. When I was in the master‘s program, before I chose my advisor, I visited each lab in my department and talked to every single Korean student in my department to learn about the program. I put a lot of effort to get to know them. I even found Korean students who did not come to the Korean students‘ meeting and sought their advice. Now, I do not put much effort in socializing with Korean students, but I still have a lot of Korean friends. I cofounded and am actively involved in the Korean students swimming club in my department, and half of the Korean students in my department belong to the club. Our club has been successful. I feel that I have been successful in interpersonal relationships with Korean students in America.
I: What kind of relationship is meaningful for you?
P: Meaningful relationship… Chinese idiom 知音(JiUm: Knowing the sound) would reflect my belief about meaningful relationships. Do you know what the story behind the Chinese idiom, ―JiUm?‖ Once upon a time, there was a best friend. One was really good at playing a geomungo (Korean lute), and the other could really hear the sound of his friend‘s geomungo play. For example, he could tell whether his friend has a good day or bad day from the sound of his friend‘s geomungo play. I think that kind of relationship is really meaningful relationship.
I: Do you mean the relationship that two people can understand what the other is experiencing without explanation?
P: Yes. Anyway… the story goes that the friend who could really hear the sound of his friend‘s geomungo play died, and the geomungo player cut the string of his geomungo. Ji (知) means knowing and Um (音) means the sound, Jium means that the close friend who knows me from the sound I make. That kind of relationship is meaningful to me.
I: Could you develop that kind of relationship with people since you came to America?
167 P: It is somewhat difficult to make that kind of a friend as an adult. Some of my friends who are younger than me listen to me because I am older than them, so I suppose that they can be considered to be close friends. However, in order to know if they really listen to me, I need to have a response from them. If they only listen to me without responding to me, I would not know if they are ignoring me or not. I found that they always give me feedback and also respect my opinion. It is good to have that kind of friend. I prefer to have a small group of close friends since it is not easy to maintain close contacts with many people. Also, it would be tragic if I lost a close connection with my friends because they moved far away from me or we have a different life style due to a different career path. So sometimes I maintain some distance from some people and sometimes I genuinely share what is in my mind. The premise of relationship for me is Jium, but I also choose how many people I will develop that kind of relationship. Jium is the most meaningful relationship to me.
I: Do you think it was easier to develop that kind of relationship with other friends in America because you are older than them?
P: Not necessarily. We have similar interests, but sometimes I am not sure if my friends listen to me because I am older than them or if they are genuinely interested in what I am talking about. I found that a friend who is the same age as me responds to my opinion more openly like whether he agrees with me or not. That would be the biggest differences between friends in my age and friends younger than me.
I: Do you think you can develop Jium relationships with Americans?
P: It would be possible, but I don‘t think it would be easy to find a person with whom I can develop that kind of relationship.
I: Why?
P: I think that Koreans have high consciousness. They learn differential and integral calculus in high school whether they use them or not later and study all sorts of things in high school. It helps them develop their own perspective. So when we discuss certain issues, we can maintain good relationships whether we agree with each other or not. However, from my experience of talking with other Americans, I found that they often said, ―I don‘t care about it‖ or ―I don‘t know‖, which did not open up room for further discussion. Although I study engineering, I am also interested in social sciences or liberal arts. So, sometimes when I talk about my interests, some of Korean students in my department say, ―Sorry, I am not interested in that topic‖, then it is the end of the discussion. I had the same experience with
168 Americans as well. It is one of the reasons why I want to meet Americans in the international studies department. I believe that they would share similar interest with me.
I: So in a way, you experience some limitations in developing relationships with Americans in your department.
P: Right. It seems that Americans in my department are more interested in figuring out ways to make money or finding a good wife. But I feel that if I met some Americans in social science or liberal art majors, I might be able to develop more meaningful relationships with them although I am somewhat skeptical about the possibility. I am not sure how many Americans would be open minded since American education also emphasizes patriotism and teaches American‘s perspectives. Anyway… it would be good to have an opportunity to get to know some Americans.
I: You said that you spent some time with second generation Korean immigrants. How were your relationships with them?
P: At that time, I was more goal-oriented. We met through the language exchange program, so our goal was learning each other‘s language. They wanted to learn Korean and I wanted to improve my English.
I: So the relationship was a goal oriented relationship.
P: Right. It started that way, and later, we got close enough to visit each other‘s place. But there was a limitation to our relationships due to our age differences.
I: So did the relationships last after you achieved the goal?
P: We did not even achieve the goal. I wanted to continue working on the goal with them, so I asked one of them if he could see me everyday. It seemed that he could not afford to see me everyday because he was too busy. So we could not continue working toward our goal. I feel that it is not easy maintain relationships. One of my friends who is older than me and has a job told me that in order to maintain close relationships, it is important to keep in touch, but it is difficult. Because I want to go back to Korea eventually, I am not sure if it would be a good idea to make a close friend in America since it would be difficult to keep in touch once I go back to Korea. However, if an American is interested in Korea, it would be good to develop a relationship. I am not sure if I would have enough time and money to visit my friends in other countries to maintain a relationship after I go back to Korea. If I am busy with my work. That
169 is a dilemma. So I am somewhat hesitant to invest my time and energy to develop relationships in America. It is a complicated issue.
I: How would you evaluate your initial adjustment in America?
P: I think I did fairly well.
I: What is your definition of adjustment?
P: First of all, there should be no problem with food and shelter. Maybe civilians do not understand the importance of food and shelter, but I learned the importance of taking care of the basic things in the army. There are several officers, including the human resource officer, the intelligence officer, the strategy officer, and the ammunition officer, in the army, and each of them has different responsibilities. The human resource officer manages military troops, the intelligence officer collects secret information, the strategy officer figures out ways to defeat the enemy, and the ammunition officer is in charge of food, shelter, clothes, finding a place to take a shower, etc. Before soldiers go out for war training, the ammunition officer gives a speech to soldiers to provide them salutary lesson, and then the battalion commander asks the ammunition officer, ―We will move to the training place tomorrow. Who will drive the car and what will we eat at the training place?‖ If the ammunition officer cannot respond to the question immediately, the battalion officer cusses at the ammunition officer and says, ―If you cannot take care of the basic things, salutary lessons are meaningless.‖ I think this comment influenced me deeply. When I came to America, I brought 10,000 dollars and saved 7,000 dollars in my bank account in Korea. Eventually, I brought 7000 dollars as well from Korea. Like most of the international students, I needed money desperately. I enrolled full time in the first semester, but in the second semester, I enrolled part time to save money. After that I stayed illegally for a while because I did not have enough money to enroll for classes. If I ran out of money, I would not have any food to eat. Eventually, I completed my study even though I struggled financially. My parents sent me 20000 dollars to help me out. With that help, I successfully managed my money to survive through graduate school. Considering my financial situation, I think I did well. A lot of international students say that they do not have enough money or they cannot ask their parents to help them out financially. In my case, if I asked my parents to send me more money, they had to find a job and sold their house to generate money. I would not want them to make such sacrifice. However, I survived in America with limited recourses without asking them more financial support. I am proud of myself for doing that. I would give 100 out of 100 to myself for my adjustment in America.
I: What helped your adjustment in America?
170 P: I was 30 years old when I came to America. Although there isn‘t such thing as good or bad job, I consider myself as having had a successful career in the military in Korea. I graduated from the Korean military academy, and if I did not leave the army, I would have been promoted to a lieutenant colonel without any effort. If I did well, I would have been promoted to a colonel without any problem. But I left the military to go to graduate school. It is almost like I burned my ship. If I went back to Korea without a degree, I would be considered to be a complete failure. My older brother did not want me to take such a risk. So he found several positions and scheduled job interviews for me. I did a job interview for a technical sales position at an insurance company that guaranteed salary of $50,000 and did a job interview with Samsung electronics. I was told that if I signed the contract, I could work at the human resource department in the Samsung electronics. It was a tempting offer. However, I did not want to work at the human resource department or an insurance company. I wanted to be a researcher. In order to be a researcher at an engineering company, I had to have at least a master‘s degree. I knew what I wanted, so I had to do whatever I had to do to achieve my goal. My situation was almost like that I was fighting in a war using a pistol and the enemy was shooting a cannonball, but I could not give up the fighting to protect my country. My willpower helped me to continue with my study when I was in a bad condition in America. One semester, I think it was the third semester, I really determined to study hard. So I shaved my hair, made my lunch and dinner box in the morning, and studied all night at a study room. I booked a study room at that time. I slept at the study room for several hours on the chair. The following morning, I went back home to have breakfast and fixed my lunch and dinner. At that time, I did not enroll for the classes because I did not have money, but I was auditing a class. Luckily, I had the physical stamina to live that kind of life since I have been getting exercise for years before I came to America. It was helpful.
I: You mean your willpower and physical health helped your adjustment.
P: Yes. But if someone hears my story and wants to come to America to try what I did, I would not encourage him/her to do that. It requires staying in America illegally for a while. It was possible at that time because it was before 911. At that time, regulation for international students was not as strict as now. So I would not recommend anyone to do what I did. I think that I did not plan well ahead of time. I did not have much information about studying in America. One of my friends told me that he was not sure if I used reliable sources when I picked graduate programs to apply. I did not know about a lot of universities in America. I did not even know about Virginia Tech. I picked three graduate programs from the top ranking schools, three from middle ranking, and three from lower ranking schools. I wanted to apply for 11 schools, so I found two more schools to apply around ranking 20. I did not have much guidance about how to choose a graduate program to apply for, so I thought that
171 any state university would be good to go to. I came to America to study without any preparation because I did not know what to expect. Regarding the TOEFL, I took a similar test a year before I applied for graduate school in America, and my score was 590. So I thought that I would get a good score in the TOEFL as well. I did not attend any TOEFL preparation classes and prepared for the TOEFL all by myself. When I took the actual TOEFL, my score was 550. When I got the score, my dilemma was whether I took the TOEFL one more time or submitted my score because the minimum score required for applying for many graduate schools was 550. I took the GRE without proper preparation either. I did not know that I would take the computerized GRE. I ended up not having enough time to solve all the math problems and got only 710 from quantitative test. As you know, most of the Koreans get the perfect score from quantitative test. My verbal score was just 400. I was not sure if I could be accepted to graduate school with such a score, but I applied to graduate school anyway. I did not take the GRE again because it was too expensive. It was $140. As I said, I was not well prepared for coming to America to study, but I survived through all the difficult years. I think I adjusted well considering my circumstances. My adjustment did not cost much money (laugh.)
I: Can you think of any difficulties that you have experienced because you were in America?
P: Difficulties in America?
I: Yes. Can you think of any difficulties that you have experienced because you are not in your country?
P: Yes, I have experienced a lot of difficulties because of my status in America. Whether I can enroll for the next semester or not is up to my advisor since he is the source of financial support for me. However, I found that American students have opportunities to apply for scholarships. So they have more financial resources than me. For example, one of my friends is married to a Korean American, and his wife said that she does not spend much money for her education because she is eligible to apply for various scholarships. I remember that when I attended college in Korea, several scholarships were available for college students who were doing well academically. Considering that, it makes sense that American universities offer scholarships for American students who are doing well academically. Financial difficulties challenge my life in America the most. I have a friend who transferred from the Korean military academy to the university I am attending now. He graduated from the undergraduate program at my university with high GPA, but he could not apply for any scholarships. That kind of story gives me no hope about getting a scholarship in America as a foreigner. That also makes me feel less motivated to get good grades. It was difficult to deal
172 with relative deprivation as a foreigner when I see American students having more chance to utilize financial resources. When I was in Australia, I could use public transportation since they have a well developed public transportation system. I also lived close to the school, so I walked to school. Before I came to America, I asked one of my friends in my city about the conditions for living. He said that it takes about five minutes to twenty minutes to go to different places in town. I asked him if it is walking distance, and he said that it is driving distance. I was devastated when he said that because it meant that I had to buy a car. Because I did not have much money, I had to buy an old car that might require a lot of money for the maintenance. Money and experience of relative deprivation from both American students and other international students made my life difficult. Other things were okay. I believe that every individual is an island and a small universe, so I should not ignore myself. So, I have tried to give respect to myself.
I: Is there anything that you learned from living in America? Can you think of any changes that you have experienced?
P: I did not change or learn new things. But, I have developed a deeper understanding of things that I have already known.
I: For example?
P: For example, I left home when I was 20 years old. Before that, my older brother went to the Korean military academy and I saw how sad my parents were when he left home. I knew that they would be sad if I left home. I was also giving up my regular college education to attend the Korean military academy. I was feeling sad and thought that this is the way people separate themselves from their parents to have an independent life. However, at that time, I was still in Korea. After I bought a car, I could drive to see my parents whenever something happened to them. I was agonized by the idea of leaving Korea to go to a graduate school in America. I agonized over the decision of coming to America to study and worried about how I would overcome all of the challenges. Now I feel less emotional.
I: Do you feel less emotional about leaving your parents?
P: Yes. When I was in Korea, even if I left home, I went to the place where I did not have to worry about food, clothes, and place to stay, and had a regular income. However, in America, I had to take care of finances and had to cook food in order to save money. I did not have to think about a lot of things when I lived with my parents and when I could make money since my parents and my job took care of all my basic needs. Since I came to America, I realized
173 that all my energy could go into taking care of the basic needs.
I: Do you mean that you learned that it is possible to consume life just taking care of the basic needs?
P: Yes. Also my mom has been sponsoring a girl for years. My mom considers her as her daughter. She has probably graduated from high school by now. She sent letters to my mom regularly like, ‗Mom, I was sad that you could not make it to my birthday party but was happy to see you few days later. You brought me a cake….‘
I: Your mom is doing a good deed.
P: I think so. I respect my parents deeply, and I mention it when I have a chance. Here in America, I am like an orphan, so I feel that I have a better understanding about orphans‘ experiences. If I make money, I want to give more opportunity to the girl my mom is sponsoring. My experience of poverty makes me think about a lot of things that I would not think otherwise.
I: Did you have a chance to think about poor people?
P: I have a chance to think about poor people‘s life more specifically. Also, since I am not an American, there are a lot of regulations for me. For example, I cannot get a job in America. So from my first hand experiences, things that I knew conceptually became concrete and specific. So I have developed deeper understandings about things that I knew abstractly. What was your other question? You asked me what I learned and…
I: Any changes?
P: Changes… I have developed negative feelings toward America.
I: Why?
P: I went to college in 1989, and at that time, a lot of students were actively involved in students‘ demonstration against the government. The leader of the Korean universities students‘ representative association was a student at my university. Because of that, there were a lot of policemen at my university to suppress demonstrations, and I often heard students expressing their anger toward the policemen in the lecture hall because they were hit by the policemen. Now, I recognize that college students who were involved in
174 demonstrations made a significant contribution to the salvation of the country, but at that time, I did not like the students‘ demonstrations.
I: Why? You did not participate in student demonstrations?
P: No, I didn‘t. I did not like them because they were hypocritical. They claimed that American army should leave Korea, but they did not offer any alternatives to that. I believe that educated people should not criticize the phenomenon for the sake of criticism, but they only criticize the government policy without offering any alternatives. They said that they demonstrate against the government and use the term ―conflict‖, but it only annoyed me. They said that they were fighting for the establishment of a democratic society, but they made fire bottles the night before the demonstration day. One of my friends who was a policeman with the duty of suppressing students‘ demonstration told me that policemen also prepared for suppressing students at the demonstration the day before the demonstration day. I am not sure all the violence happened at the demonstration was for the establishment of democratic society or just a gang fight. Another thing that did not make any sense to me was that students who chanted, ―Go home! Yankee‖, at the demonstration also smoked American cigarette. I do not support president Roh entirely, but I like some of his policies. When he was an eloquent congressman, I had a chance to hear his speech at the college campus. Although some people argue that people‘s way of delivering their messages should be modified depending on the audience and the place, I believe that there should be some consistency across the board. However, his way of delivering his message and his behavior at the college campus really disappointed me. I felt like I did not know him because he acted a lot different from the way I understood him. I detest inconsistency and contradiction. I see that kind of characteristic from Americans a lot as well. A lot of Americans said to me, ―Your English is good‖, and even my conversation partner said the same thing. I told her, ―I don‘t think so‖, and asked her if my English is that good, why I would study English. She responded to me that I should trust her judgment since she is a native speaker. She did not think that I could judge the level of my English. I often hear Americans make a fun of foreigners‘ English. For example, Jay Leno made fun out of the sound of Korean dumpling, ―mandoo.‖ Americans would pronounce it as [m ndu], so he joked about the sound of the ―mandoo‖ by saying, ―what is ‗do’ that has ‗man’ in it?‖ However, that is not the way Koreans pronounce ―mandoo‖. Australians pronounce it as [mandu] and it is the correct pronunciation of ―mandoo‖ in Korean. Australian English is considered to be a deviation of the original English accent, but I am not sure who can judge which English is the original English. When I was studying English in Australia, my landlord was an American Indian and he said jokingly that Americans are crazy. I found that Americans make fun of Australians‘ accent and expressions as if their English accent is superior to Australians‘ English accent and visa versa. I noticed that what Americans
175 say in front of the foreigners and behind their back is different. Also, when 911 happened, the mass media moved the focus from Afghanistan to Al-Qaeda to Iraq. I have read a lot of information from different sources and found contradictions everywhere. The government said to the people that they attacked Iraq to protect homeland security, but I am not sure about the relationship between homeland security and attacking Iraq.
I: Do you feel that the American government attacked Iraq for its own benefit?
P: Not only that, I also have noticed that Americans were buying into what the government said. I witnessed that Americans have changed since then. A few years ago, American news paper reported that North Korean had hydrogen bombs and it is more dangerous than the atomic bomb because nuclear fusion happens when the hydrogen bomb exploded whereas unclear fission happens when atomic bomb exploded. My American lab mate said, ―Amazing. North Korea is a hydrogen power‖, and talked about North Korean being a dangerous country. My other Korean lab mate asked him, ―Doesn‘t America have more nuclear weapons than North Korea?‖, and he responded that American nuclear weapons are more reliable. I was thinking at that time how could one nuclear weapon be more reliable than the other one. I am disappointed in Americans when I witness that kind of thinking style from them. It is almost like saying my love affair is romance but the other‘s love affair is infidelity. A lot of Americans have double standards for judging their country and other countries, and I do not like that. In my numerical analysis class, the class teaches efficient and reliable computing methods using computers. The professor told us that America has the two fastest super computers in the world. One super computer calculates the number of people who can be killed within the shortest period, and the other has a similar function. One does the atomic bomb related calculation and the other does the chemical weapons related calculation. The American government always emphasizes doing things for world peace on the surface level, but, if it is true, why do they care about killing many people in a short period? Engineers working for such project would justify their work. Otherwise how could you work on calculating the number of people they can kill by different means? I know that I only know the tip of the iceberg, but it is shocking enough. Can you imagine knowing everything that is going on behind the curtain? Also, illegal immigration is a big issue in America and Mexicans became the target. But what is the definition of illegal immigration? One of my friends told me that some of the lands in America still belong to the American Indian and Americans are using the land by contract. However, would Americans return the land to Native Americans? Europeans came to America and took the land from Native Americans by force. They came to America illegally and claimed that America is the land of freedom. But, Americans consider people who come to America to look for a job as illegal immigrants just because they do not have proper documentation. I feel that America as a nation abuses its power, and it makes me
176 dislike this country. I studied the history of Continental Josun (The last dynasty in Korea), and, from that study, I learned how brutal the European countries were during the colonial period, and it seems that America took over that role in the 21st century. I witnessed it more closely since I came to America and that makes me dislike this country even more. That makes my life in America difficult. I want to leave this country as soon as possible. Some of my high school teachers disliked America, but I feel that I dislike America more than them. I dislike America because I have seen them abusing their power, but I am not sure why they disliked America.
I: You mean you dislike American government and Americans because they are hypocritical.
P: Yes.
I: Why do you think they are hypocritical?
P: I think that American government is really good at justifying its actions. The American government portrays their role in the world as a policeman that works for protecting world peace. But if that is the case, why don‘t they attack North Korea which they always consider to be a dangerous nation. It should not be really difficult. They can just drop bombs from the airplane on North Korea every day. They don‘t do that because attacking North Korea would not be beneficial to them. However, they make different excuses for not attacking North Korea. I watch CNN to practice listening in English, but it is not a pleasant experience to me because either I do not like things that I hear or I cannot understand what they are talking about. I often hear them talking about Kim Jung-Il, and although I dislike him, I also do not like the way American media portrays him. In addition, it is annoying to hear about illegal immigration from American‘s perspective.
I: Have you ever had a positive experience with an American?
P: I always try to have positive experience with Americans, but all my relationships with Americans ended on bad terms. So I thought that it is not easy to maintain good relationships with Americans.
I: In what ways have your relationships with Americans ended on bad terms?
P: I had an American tutor who I considered as one of the most open minded persons I have met in America. Her religion was Bahá'í and she talked about her religion a lot. After for a while, I became sick and tired of hearing about her religion. When I was in the Korean army,
177 there was one solider who practiced the seventh day Adventist dogma, and he refused to participate in Saturday training due to his religious practice. I had to force him to join the training so he would not be punished for not following the order in the army. I told her my struggles with him in the army and she asked me what I did to solve the situation. I responded to her that I negotiated with him, and I guess she heard it as religious oppression. So she said unpleasant things to me. What I wanted to tell her at that moment was that I have heard about her religion for a year while paying money (to learn English) although I did not want to hear about it. However, she suddenly closed her mind to me after I talked about my struggles with my subordinate‘s religious practice in the military. I wanted to quit the tutoring meeting when I felt that, but I thought that it would be impolite and awkward. So when we met the next time, I told her that I had to quit receiving tutoring from her because I was too busy with my project. That‘s right. A lot of Americans are religious and it also creates some barrier between Americans and me since I am not religious at all. Also, I cannot relate to American young people because I cannot understand their way of thinking. That is true with Korean young people as well. In order to be a real friend, I have to be able to share everything about myself including talking about sensitive issues. I want to know more about American historical facts such as the route that Americans took when they went to Japan in the late 19 century. I am not sure if I can run into Americans who can answer for all my questions about American historical facts. Related to that, I am not sure how many Americans would admit all the bad things that they have done in their history.
I: Don‘t you think Americans in the history department might be able to answer for your questions about American history?
P: I am not sure. In order to do that, they have to have the old map that Americans used when they sailed to Japan. I may be able to find some Americans who I can talk more openly about historically sensitive issues. But I am still skeptical. I am even skeptical about finding a Korean who I can talk openly about all the sensitive issues. So it would be even more difficult to find an American friend who I can share everything with. I know one of the Korean female students who did master‘s degree in Canada and came to my school for Ph.D. degree. Her English is as good as her Korean. However, she told me that between the expression, ―I like you‖, in Korean and English, what she actually feels the meaning of the expression more directly is saying, ―I like you‖, in Korean. If a totally Americanized person feels that way, how could I share my feelings with Americans in English while really feeling what I am saying? How could I feel connected to the person I am talking with when I speak in English? I am skeptical.
I: Have you ever had an experience in America that changed your values or beliefs?
178 P: Do you mean fundamental changes or minor changes?
I: How about fundamental changes?
P: I don‘t think I have experienced anything in America that changed my values.
I: How about minor changes?
P: One minor change was that initially I thought that I would get a job and work for a while in America after I got a degree but I decided to go back to Korea after getting my degree. Another change is that I recognized the amazing potential of America, which was somewhat scary. It is not easy to define the characteristics of a great country, and in the case of America, I am not sure whether the country is great or the land is great. But in any case, I felt the potential of America through traveling in the country. After I got my master‘s degree, I traveled in America three times. I traveled to the east end of America, to the north end of America, and since I have been to the south end of America before, I went to the west end of America. I drove through upper Michigan to Canada to the Niagara Falls, and looked at the Niagara Falls from the parking lot because I could not find a parking spot. It was on my trip to the North end of America. I drove to Virginia Beach and crossed the bridge that connects Virginia and Maryland. I slept in the car and drove back to my city. It was my trip to the east end of America. I was initially somewhat hesitant to drive to the west end since it is really far away from my city, but my friend encouraged me to try. So I drove to the west to see the desert. I saw the Grand Cannon and kept driving west toward Los Angeles. At that time, I was working on a project in my lab, so I had to go back to school soon. So I was driving for 48 hours nonstop to get back to school on time. Seeing the west side of America helped me understand what a ―desert‖ really is. I thought that all desert is sandy like the desert in Iraq, but I realized that all barren land is desert. There was endless desert right by the highway, and wire fence was built by the highway so no one could walk into the desert. It was amazing to see the wire fence by the highway through the far west side of America. I wondered about how long it would take to build wire fence for such a long distance. They must use a huge amount of wire to build such a long fence. It must cost a lot of money. I saw empty land by the highway for three days. It was amazing to see such a huge land not being utilized. It is almost like land size several times larger than all of Korea is not developed yet. I thought that if that empty land were developed, America would be richer than now. The potential of America scared me. This first hand experience made me fully experience America. Probably I experienced America more from traveling the country than some Americans did. I am planning to travel in Alaska before I go back to Korea. I believe traveling in Alaska would give me more understanding about America. America is a scary country. It is not an easy
179 country to deal with. I thought about how Korean politicians should change. Korea needs to have a wise president to deal with America. I watched a Korean movie about a famous Korean pro wrestler. In the movie, he said to his friend, ― I have seen amazing things in America.‖, his friend asked, ―What was that?‖, and he responded, ―I saw an endless land in America.‖ I had the same experience when I traveled in America. Experiencing an endless land was scary.
Yuri Interview #1 I: How would you compare your life in Korea and in America? Tell me whatever comes to your mind.
P: Did you say that I can say anything? I think that there are three major differences between life in Korea and in America. First of all, when I was in Korea I lived with my family, but in America, I live alone. So, I have to face things that I did not have to think about in Korea such as looking for a place to live, packing my stuff to move to a different place, and paying for rent. I experienced a lot of school related stress in Korea, but in America, although I have experienced some difficulties at school due to language skills, I have experienced less school related stress in America than in Korea.
I: What kind of school related stress did you experience in Korea?
P: First of all, it was stressful to find academic resources in Korea. It took me too much time to track down all the articles and books that I needed for my study. However, in America, I have never had a problem finding books and articles that I needed for my studies. I could always use interlibrary loan if my school library did not have the materials that I was looking for. The materials that I needed for my studies actually existed in America. But, in Korea, I could not find materials that I needed for my studies. I could not go anywhere to find them or to make a copy of them. So looking for materials for my studies was really stressful. In Korea, I really wanted to focus on my studies but I could not find materials for my research, and my school library was not really good. In America, it has been so easy to get materials that I needed for my research.
I: How have you experienced your relationships with others at school in America compared to those in Korea?
P: The biggest difference is that in Korea, although people say that university culture has changed recently, because I studied theater in Korea, it was difficult to avoid situations where
180 alcohol was involved. People in my department even drank alcohol during lunch, and they asked me to drink with them. If I did not drink alcohol with them, they were not pleased. People in the theater department worked on projects and planned and discussed performances while drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. I found that people in my department in America also go to a bar after school to hang out, but it is a part of their private life. So, I do not have to join them all the time. I only went to a bar with them once. Once in a while, they drank alcohol during dinner, but I did not have to drink with them. Although I did not drink with them, I could still maintain good relationships with them. In addition, people in my department have been really considerate to me and expressed their interests in me. Maybe it is because I am the only foreigner from Asia in my department. I also found that students in my department are open minded people. Although I feel like I do not fit in since I am a foreigner, they have treated me the same way as treating other Americans. It might be because they are more mature and have more life experiences than undergraduate students. Also, some of them are from California, so they may be used to having Asians around. Anyway, I found that everybody in my department including professors is open-minded and has been nice to me.
I: How long have you been in America?
P: I had lived in America from 2002 to 2003, about 15 months at that time, went back to Korean for a while and came back in September, 2005. This time, I have been in America several months short of two years. So, combined I have been in America for about three years.
I: How were your experiences at school the first time coming to America?
P: At that time, I was exhausted from the Korean life style. Oh, I realized that I did not tell you the third difference between Korea and America. The third difference is the amount of traffic on the street. In Korea, although it was good to have easy access to department stores, book stores, and convenient stores, it was tiring to be exposed to noise, people, and air pollution all the time. It was always annoying to be in a crowded subway. I came to America around the time when I thought to myself that I could not tolerate that kind of life style anymore. The first place where I lived in America was a small town. I almost felt like I was in a health resort to get some rest. I could ride a bike to go everywhere in town and walk to campus. I also did not have to deal with heavy traffic. I was really happy to get away from the busy life and crowded space in Korea and stay in a peaceful small town.
I: What were your experiences like in your department at that time?
181 P: That university has a small theater department, and it only has a master‘s program in graduate school. Their program was more focused on undergraduate education. So, I was not fully satisfied with the quality of education that I received from that school. However, because it was my first exposure to an English speaking education system, I had to put an extra time and effort to understand class materials. So, I was not capable of studying difficult materials at that time. In a way, it helped my initial adjustment to the American educational system because I was not pressured to give professional presentations in classes or write profound papers for classes. I was not stressed out about school work because classes were relatively easy. Many students in my department were from rural areas, so they were kind and naïve. There were also some students from India in my department. Everything was relatively good, but I felt somewhat confined when I talked with students in my department.
I: In what ways did you feel confined?
P: I felt that I was more experienced about other cultures and had a broader scope of understanding than my classmates. I felt confined by other students‘ narrow perspectives, but at the same time, I did not know about American culture well. The most stressful thing at that time was that I wanted to socialize with my American classmates, but when I could not understand their slangs and dialect. I used to eat out with them, but I could not digest food because I got too frustrated when I could not understand what they were talking about. So, I ended up avoiding going to restaurants with them. I thought that I needed time to improve my listening skills. I still experience some trouble understanding in English. Maybe it is because I stayed in Korea for one and half years before coming back. I tried to understand my classmates‘ conversation when I ate out with my classmates, but I found that it was difficult to understand the content of the conversation although I could understand the language. They talked about TV sitcoms and TV programs such as American Idol, but since I did not watch TV, I had no clue about what they were talking about. Perhaps, if I watch TV and study American movies, I would be able to overcome this problem. It would also help me with teaching American students in the future. When I came to America for the first time, my goal was finishing up my master‘s thesis, and I achieved it. I only stayed there for about 15 months, but I had some fun memories from that experience. However, the second time coming to America as an older single female, I found more difficulties than the first time such as trouble getting a ride and experiencing daily life struggles.
I: What kind of daily life struggles have you experienced?
P: Because I do not have a car, it is difficult to go grocery shopping. I found that other doctoral students my age are too busy to help me with grocery shopping or are already
182 married and live far away from the campus, so they have no reason to go grocery shopping with me. Some of them are too busy to cook, so they always eat out. People who can go grocery shopping with me are usually Americans who are more than 10 years younger than me or Chinese students, but I do not feel comfortable socializing with them.
I: Why don‘t you feel comfortable socializing with them? Is it because they are a lot younger than you?
P: Right. Students who are working with me are 21 or 22 years old. Korean students at my church are usually 23, 24 or 27 years old. Korean students at my church could socialize with me, I suppose, but they prefer spending time with younger students. At this point, my biggest problem is that I do not have friends with whom I can go shopping, get exercise, or have dinner together. It makes me feel sad and depressed. I feel that if I had a friend with whom I could do activities together during study breaks, it would energize my life. But I cannot find one. I cannot socialize with undergraduate students, because they expect me to do everything with them, and I do not have that kind of time. I want to have a friend who is also busy with her studies most of time. So, we can spend time together once in a while during our study breaks such as going to a movie theater, going shopping or going somewhere to relax. But, I cannot find a friend who has the same needs as me.
I: You cannot find a friend who is in the same situation as you?
P: Yes. It is surprising to me. There must be a lot of single female students like me. Maybe they spend more time with single men and get help from them. I am not sure.
I: Did you have friend while you were in the master‘s program at the other school?
P: When I was in the master‘s program, as I mentioned before, I did not miss Korean food like now, and I had one female friend from the Philippines. We were very similar. We also went to the same church. Because her English was as good as the native English speakers‘, she could afford to socialize with people and watch TV besides studying. So, she could do everything that I wanted to do with her. We used to go to a movie theater or concert together. I also had more time than now because what I studied during the master‘s program was not much different from what I studied in Korea.
I: So when you were in the master‘s program, you had chance to make a friend.
P: Right. I had more chance and was younger too. If I really wanted to make more friends at
183 that time, I think that I would be able to have more friends. I could join different activities although I did not do it.
I: Why?
P: At that time, I did not find a need to do it. I was busy studying, and I felt that I did not even have enough time to have satisfactory outcomes from my study. I usually spent time with my Filipino friend when she asked me to do, but sometimes, I had to turn her down because I did not have time to socialize with her.
I: So, at that time, you did not need friends, but now, you need friends.
P: Right. I feel that my situation is totally opposite to that time. At that time, I had never felt that I wanted or needed to have friends. At that time, I was sick and tired of dealing with people in Korea prior to coming to America. In addition, I really wanted to focus on my studies because before coming to America, I was busy working part time to make money to pay for tuition and did not have enough time to study. One of the biggest differences between the first time coming to America and now is that, at that time, I went to the school recreation center everyday to get exercise. I did not want anyone to talk to me while getting exercise, and, if someone greeted me, I felt annoyed. I also did not have a need to go to the recreation center with another person. I enjoyed taking exercise classes alone and getting exercise alone. But, now, I do not want to go to the recreation center alone. My current school has a better recreation center than my previous school, but it does not motivate me to go there.
I: How would you explain the differences between the first time coming to America and now?
P: I think it is due to aging. I am getting older. Lately, I decided to go to the recreation center to get exercise, but I found myself looking for people who I could talk to. When I ran into acquaintances, I was really excited to see them and talked to them for more than thirty minutes. I found myself expecting someone to talk to me constantly. When I was younger, I only focused on myself, but now I am more interested in other people. I always look for people with whom I can socialize.
I: So, now, you want to develop relationships with others, but it is not easy. However, when you were in America previously, you were not interested in developing relationships with others.
184 P: Right.
I: How about when you were in Korea before coming back to America this time?
P: Let me think. Right after going back to Korea from America, I went to my graduate school first and saw my friends in my program. After that, I did not see my friends often. Probably I saw my friends only a couple of times right before coming back to America again to start the PhD. program. I thought that I needed to see them since I was leaving Korea, but I did not miss my friends much. I joined an acting troupe for one year, and while I was in the acting troupe, I missed people a little bit for the first time. In the acting troupe, I was exposed to people who were from completely different backgrounds from me. In addition, some of them were more than 10 years younger than me, and none of them were from Seoul.
I: So, they were really different from you.
P: Right. For example, I have never known someone whose parents are divorced until I joined the acting troupe. People in the acting troupe were really different than me. I stayed in the country side where there were fields growing rice and other crops. It was really difficult to adjust to the place and people. Their life style was different from mine, and they ate food that I did not like. For example, they enjoyed eating rice mixed with red pepper paste. Although now, I can eat rice like that, at that time, I could not do that. At that time, I started to appreciate my friends in Seoul. I started to miss my friends at my church and my college. I realized the importance of having friends who share the same background as me. I had never thought that I would be different from other people but learned that I could be different from people around me. I felt that I was an alien around them.
I: Was it your first experience of spending time with people who were completely different from you?
P: No. The first time I experienced people who were different from me was when I entered the graduate school in Korea in 1998. I cried a lot at that time. A lot of people in my department were involved in student demonstrations, and they were a lot older than me. My family read a conservative newspaper, but they did not even consider that newspaper as a newspaper. They did not study English and had never been outside of Korea. It was my first time meeting those kinds of people. And then, the second time meeting people who were different from me was when I joined the acting troupe. The first time, people were older than me, and the second time people were younger than me.
185 I: How about now? Think about people around you in America. Do you think they are similar to you or different from you?
P: Honestly, I did not think about it before, but lately, I have been intentionally thinking about it. I realized that people at my church are not from Seoul, and it is interesting to me. Where are people from Seoul? I found that people from Seoul usually go to other states in America such as New York, California, or Michigan. When I was in the master‘s program, I visited my friend in Long Island. I went to her church with her one weekend, and her church people asked me, ―What do you do in Ohio? Isn‘t it countryside?‖ I think that it was kind of discrimination. They looked down on my town. I picked the small town due to my financial situation. I realized that the changes in my financial situation determined the kind of people by whom I am surrounded.
I: Could you tell me more about it?
P: Before I went to graduate school in Korea, I was surrounded by people from more affluent areas in Seoul, and they all attended more prestigious universities in Seoul. My female friends‘ parents would not let my friends date men who were not attending prestigious universities in Korea. A friend of my brother‘s claimed that his parents graduated from the better university than my parents although the truth is that my parents‘ university is better than his parents‘. Anyway, it was common that children argued about whose parents graduated from the better university and ignored other parents‘ universities. Most of my friends went back packing to Europe or went to American universities as exchange students while in college. A lot of my friends took a semester off from college and went to America to study English. However, when I went to graduate school to study theater, people gave me weird looks when they found that I studied English literature as an undergraduate, and I had lived in other countries.
I: Do you think that Koreans in America also have different backgrounds than you?
P: I am not sure. I do not know many Koreans in America, and my church is a really small church.
I: Who do you normally spend time with in America?
P: The first year at my current school, I stayed in a dormitory. So, I was acquainted with people on my floor. There were about twenty people on my floor, and I socialized with people who initiated conversations with me.
186 I: Were they Americans?
P: No, most of them were female students from Taiwan. One American guy was also playful with me when I played a piano. I thought that I would get close to them until I found out that they were a lot younger than me. It is strange. Age should not matter to me when I develop friendships with others, but it seems that I am always looking for friends in my age group. I want to share issues that people in my age group experience such as finding a mate with my friends. I remember that, when I was younger, I did not worry about things that I worry about now.
I: So, what do you worry about now?
P: I worry about when I will find a mate to have a family with and how I can complete my studies. I have not found anyone who could give me answers to both issues. I want to stay in America after completing my studies. I want to find a teaching job in America. But, I am not sure if it will be possible to get a job in America as an international student. I want to talk about those kinds of things with my friend. I have not met anyone from Korea who studies my major or liberal arts. Most of Korean students I know study engineering or are preparing for studying pharmacy or dentistry. I feel frustrated.
I: Who do you socialize with recently?
P: I work at a library special collection section as a graduate assistant for twenty hours per week. There are four other graduate students working with me, so I usually talk to them.
I: Are they all Americans?
P: Yes. Some undergraduate students also work part time. One is a Chinese American and another is from Albania. I am close to the student from Albania. I suppose that I could get exercise and eat out with her, but she is a lot younger than me (laugh).
I: So, again, age restricts your relationship with her.
P: Right. If they were only three to four years younger than me, I could overcome age differences. Actually, the biggest issue is my desire to get married and have a family. I feel that I do not have time to socialize with younger people.
I: Because they do not share same interests as you?
187 P: Right. They also talk about dating, but, I cannot relate to their concerns. For instance, one of them complained that her boyfriend is too old for her. Her boyfriend is only three years older than her. From my perspective, three years is nothing. As I get older, I find that age differences are not as meaningful as I used to feel. When I was in college, I felt that a professor who was 10 years older than me belonged to a different world than mine. But now, I find myself attending classes with people who are 10 years younger than me, and some of my friends are also 10 years younger than me. I feel that even 10 years of age difference can be nothing. Anyway, lately, I spent most of my time with Americans at my work and my Korean church people. There is one other friend who also does not have a car. So we used to go grocery shopping together. But we got busy, so I haven‘t seen her in a long time.
I: Would you say that the most difficult thing about living in America is not having friends?
P: Right. Not having a real close friend makes my life in America more difficult. Last year, I had one American friend. She was my next door neighbor and was only one or two years younger than me. She said that she studied nursing in the continuing education program. She studied real hard and exercised in the early morning. It would be great if I lived with her now, but at that time, I could not wake up early in the morning to exercise with her. She came back from exercise about 6: 30 in the morning and started to study. We used to eat out or go to see a performance together. Now, she is in graduate school studying nursing, so she has been busier than me. She said that she goes to school at five thirty in the morning and does practicum at the hospital. She contacted me a few times lately, and it seems that she has been less busy lately. She sent me an e-mail to ask me about any good performances that we could go to together, and she also said that she would like to go out to have dinner with me sometime. I feel that she can be a good friend. She had a boyfriend to whom she was considering getting married, but she dumped him right after she got accepted to the nursing program in graduate school. Now, she is dating another guy. It seems that people in my age group are either already married or dating someone. There is one female graduate student in my program with whom I could develop a closer relationship, but she is really busy. She tries to complete her studies as fast as possible.
I: Is she closer in age with you?
P: Yes. She is 27 or 28 years old. She started the PhD. Program with me, but she already took her comprehensive exams. Because she got her Master‘s in the same program, she completed all of the course work faster than me. So, it seems that she has more spare time now after passing her comprehensive exams. She called me to ask me if I could go to a concert with her after the exam. Since it was the first time she asked me to do an activity together, I said,
188 ―Yes‖, although I was really busy with my studies at that time. It was a classical music concert, and one of her favorite female singer also performed at the concert. After the concert, she took a picture with the singer. After the concert, we chatted for a while, and she told me about the speed dating event that was offered by the school for graduate students. I remember receiving the e-mail about it, but I thought that perhaps only students who are ten years younger than me would go to that kind of event. I did not think that graduate students in my age group would go to such event. But, according to her, three other students from my department also went to the event. She said that she went there last year as well. So, I asked her, ―Why didn‘t you ask me to go there with you guys?‖ She told me that she did not think I would be interested in such event since she thought that I was socializing with Koreans through the Korean church. I thought that that made sense and asked her to inform me the next time she goes to such an event. She said that the school offers the speed dating event once a year, which means that I have to wait for another year to go to the event. She explained to me about the event: People coming to the event have a chance to talk to twenty people. After talking to all of them, they turned in all the names of people whom they would like to continue to see. If both people wanted to see each other, then the school would offer them contact information. So, she has been busy meeting men who she met in speed dating since the event. After hearing her story, I realized that I had to be more active in finding a boyfriend. Instead of complaining about not having a friend or feeling bad about others not including me in their gathering, I should actively look for a man who can be a boyfriend or a husband. I learned that people who are five to six years younger than me also are invested in finding a mate. It is not surprising that I have had difficulty finding a female friend since all the women in my age group are more interested in meeting men than socializing with women. I found later that my other friend in the nursing program also went to the event and found a date. What happened was that I had one close male friend and he has younger brother. I told him that I wanted to fix dinner for him and his younger brother, and he gave me a ride to the grocery store. I even bought a dessert. I am not a good cook, and it usually takes me a couple of hours to prepare a meal. He used to complain to me that he had to wait forever to eat my food. After the grocery shopping, I asked him to come back tomorrow to have a meal, so I could prepare food tonight, and he would not have to wait for hours to eat. I guess that he was not pleased with my suggestion. He said that he did not want to wait and did not want to eat my food anymore. It hurt my feelings. I already had too much food to eat by myself. I cried because I was too upset and called my mom to talk about it. Then, I called my friend who studies nursing. At that time, she told me that she could not come to eat with me because she had a date. I called another friend and she said that she could not see me that day. So, I called another friend and she said that she could not come because she was too far away from my place. At that time, I realized that no one could come to eat with me. My other roommates have many friends coming to visit them all the time, but I had nobody. I called my mom and
189 told her that I felt too lonely. I cooked food, but no one could come to eat with me.
I: Do you think that you had such experience because you were in America? Would you have a similar experience in Korea?
P: I am not sure. If I were in Korea, I would not cook food. I usually ate out instead of cooking at home when I was in Korea.
I: Have you ever felt lonely in Korea because you did not have friends?
P: When I was in Korea, I did not have time to feel lonely. There were always some kinds of events such as some friend‘s birthday party, some kind of group meetings or social gatherings that made me real busy. Sometimes I felt that I wanted to be alone and did not want to attend all the events. But, I had to attend all the events anyway, and that kept me real busy. However, I do not have such events in America.
I: Is it because you do not belong to any organizations?
P: I do not belong to any organizations and have no friends in my age group. Actually, there are a lot of social gatherings at my church, but I have not attended the meetings for a while. I attended church meetings a few times in the first year, but I stopped going to the meetings because people usually had a meeting too far away from my place, it was not really fun, people coming to the meeting were too young, and I was too busy with studies. But, I changed my mind lately. Since I decided to attend my church, it would be better to take time to get to know people. In order to do that, I probably need to attend their meetings. So, I am planning to attend their gatherings if I have a chance.
I: You said that you changed your mind lately. Can you think of any changes that you experienced since you came to America?
P: I think that when I was in Korea, I did not appreciate people around me because I always had people around me. It was easy to find people who share similar interests and values as me in Korea. Even when I was in the acting troupe, although they were very different from me, I could talk to them because we shared similar interests. We could also share our difficulties and our life stories. But in America, I could not find people with whom I could develop closer relationships.
I: Is it because you could not find people who share similar interests as you?
190 P: Right. I could not find people who have similar interests as me. I could not find people who study English literature or liberal art.
I: How about people in your department?
P: I remembered another differences between the last time I was in America and this time. Last time I was in America, I tried to speak in English only. I did not call my friends and family in Korea and did not eat Korean food. But this time, although my American classmates invited me to their party and asked me to eat out together, I did not go there.
I: Why?
P: I was close to one of my church members right after I started the PhD. program. She was one year younger than me and gave me a ride often. She studied music and spent most of her time practicing her musical instrument. Her only pleasure was going shopping on weekends, and I usually accompanied her because I did not want to stay at home alone on weekend. But the problem was that she usually stayed in the shopping mall too long, so I came back home too late to attend parties that were held by my classmates. I think that was my biggest mistake.
I: So, you could not spend time with your classmates because you went shopping with your Korean friend?
P: Right. It would be better to socialize with my classmates in the beginning of the semester. I spent time with Koreans at that time not because I did not want to socialize with Americans but because I wanted to speak in Korean. I cannot understand why. Maybe it was because I felt more comfortable with life in America. When I came to America for the first time, I felt pressure to learn English fast and write my thesis in English fast. So, I decided not to speak in Korean. But, this time, I felt more secure with English since I have been to America before and already wrote my thesis in English. So, I did not want to have so many restrictions on my life like last time. The way I lived my life the first time I lived in America was not a normal way of living. Although at that time, I did not think I had other choices. Before coming to America this time, I considered whether I want to socialize with Koreans or not. I often heard from other people that it would be better not to socialize with Koreans in foreign countries. I also agreed with it because Korean communities in foreign counties are really small, and a lot of people have unpleasant experiences within the community. But, on the other hand, if I want to stay in America for a long time, it would be impossible not to have Korean food, not to speak in Korean, and not to socialize with Koreans. On top of that, my focus in my major is Korean theater. It does not make sense to me to be isolated from the Korean community
191 while studying Korean theater. It would be a real irony. So, I decided to go to a Korean church this time. Last time, I went to an American church partially because there was no Korean church in my town. By the way, what was your question?
I: What kind of changes have you experienced?
P: Right. I learned the importance of having social support. I regretted going to a Korean church for a while because I could not find friends who are in my age group there. I feel that if I socialized with American students in my department, I would at least have more chance to speak in English and could go to art exhibitions with them. I kept asking myself why I did not socialize with them. However, I am still not going to their parties.
I: Have you ever been to their parties?
P: No. I went to their small dinner gathering once. I went there because one of my classmates kept inviting me to their dinner gathering, and I felt bad about turning her down all the time.
I: How was it?
P: It was good. My male classmates cooked all the food. When I saw that, I felt little bit obligated to cook Korean food for them. It made me feel uncomfortable because I was not good at cooking. Students in my department usually have a dinner gathering at home because they cannot afford to eat out often. On that day, one guy cooked an Italian dish, and the other guy cooked a Chinese dish. He said that he learned to cook Chinese food from his mom. He brought a rice cooker to cook rice. I felt embarrassed because I am not a good cook, and it made me feel bad. I try to overcome that feeling by practicing cooking. Actually it was one of the reasons why I wanted to move out of the dormitory and moved in to a house with kitchen.
I: So, you can socialize with your classmates?
P: Right. Sometimes I asked them to proofread my papers, but I could not pay for their work.
I: When your classmates proofread your papers?
P: Yes. When I ask them a favor, I would like to return something to them to express my appreciation. If I take them to a Korean restaurant every time I ask them to proofread my paper, it would be too expensive. I would spend 40 to 50 dollars each time. I remembered that one of my friends cooked Korean food for her friends whenever her friends proofread her
192 papers. So, I thought to myself that I should learn to cook Korean food. In addition, in order to get close to others, it is important to eat together. It would be good to invite potential friends home to cook Korean food for them instead of going to a restaurant to have a dinner. They may like to have home made food. I have been feeling really stressed out about my poor cooking skills.
I: Is there any other changes that you have experienced?
P: Like what? Could you give me specific examples?
I: For example, changes in your values or ways of thinking.
P: Values or ways of thinking. I am not sure if it would be considered as a change or not, but I am a stranger here. I am not sure if all international students would feel the same way. Anyway, since I am in a foreign country, I had to adapt myself to a new culture and language. In order to do that, I needed to make some compromises. For example, when I interact with my professor, I have to think about what would be culturally acceptable way of interacting with a professor. But I found that people do not expect me to behave like Americans. They always ask me about the Korean cultural way of doing things in each situation. It is somewhat confusing to me. I tried to follow the American style, but it seems that Americans respect my cultural style. Americans tell me that I should follow my cultural way. I think that I have already changed a lot and want to make some more changes.
I: In what ways have you changed?
P: I have difficulty articulating the changes. Let me finish what I was going to say first. Koreans think that it is important to be polite and follow formalities. So I put an emphasis on being polite and formal. But at some point, I became more Americanized and decided to discard all the formality. For instance, I could not understand American students eating food during the lecture. I thought that it was absurd. I also had problems with the way American students sitting in class. They looked too relaxed in class. It used to bother me a lot. I wondered about how professors tolerated students being so casual in class. But, I decided to eat in class because sometimes I felt too hungry to focus on class. I picked food that does not make noise and does not have a strong smell. However, it made me really anxious to eat in class initially. I kept questioning to myself if it would be okay to eat. Several times, I only had a few bits of sandwich and stopped eating. Anyway, it was a change. If I felt really hungry, it would be better to eat in class. At my work place, I was really stressed out because of my co-workers for a while. I had two co-workers who study theater performance. Usually
193 students studying theater performance are very active. So, it must have been difficult for them to having a boring job inside of the library. What we did was organize newspaper scraps into the folder based on dates and label them. I could tell that they hated the job. So they took a twenty minute break every one and half to two hours. Initially, I was excited about working with them. I thought that I would have a chance to chat with them, to hear their English, to learn English colloquialisms and slangs, and to talk about boyfriends. But, I found that they talked too much during the work hour. I wanted to focus on work, but it was difficult. I told to myself that I should not be all stressed out about work and I should just take it easy, but it was difficult to be relaxed at work like them. I wanted to ask them if they were here to chat or to work.
I: So, according to your Korean beliefs, you have to work hard at work, but they took a too easygoing approach to work?
P: I think that perhaps I was used to Europeans‘ attitude toward their work (She has lived in Europe for several years.) Europeans usually focus on work during their work hours. They do not chat during their work hours. They take a break during their work break and go home after their work hours. I always compare the work attitude of Europeans with that of people in other countries. I actually had some issues with the Korean department stores saleswomen chatting with each other at work. In Europe, department store saleswomen do not chat with each other while they are working. They only focus on their customers at work. When I saw my co-workers chatting during work hours, it really bothered me. I wondered if they were that way because they major in theater performance. They worked to make money, but I almost felt that they came to work to chat. They were not serious about their work although their work paid for their tuition. They took a break religiously although they were not working hard. Sometimes they even studied for their classes during work hours. Sometimes they left work five minutes early. When I copied materials, I was very systematic so I would not waste time, but they were very slow in making copies. They were not systematic. I could not stand their attitude toward work, so I went to the manager and said that I could not work with them anymore. I worked separately from them at some point. I cannot remember if it was right after I talked to the manager. I also tried to separate myself from them. I did not take a break with them because it was too stressful to be with them. I also asked the manager to give me different tasks because if I work with them, they would benefit from my hard work. I told the manager that I could not work with them because we do not share the same work ethic. I did not want to take twenty minute breaks, did not want to see them chatting during work hours, and did not want to see them studying for their classes at work. I asked the manager if it was okay to study during work hours. I did not study at work although I had a lot of things to study because I was there to work. I said that if it was officially permissible
194 to study at work, I would like to study as well. I wanted to study when they studied for their classes, but I could not do that because I was not sure if it was oaky. The manager was smiling at me and told me that it was okay to study. He would prefer us to work, but since we were students, studying was most important. So, he said that if I had to study, it would be okay to study. The problem was solved, but I still experienced difficulties. I still did not want to see my co-workers because watching them working made me feel really stressed out. I tried to ignore them. I complained about them to my boss once, but I was told to mind my own business. It was really embarrassing. It almost felt like I was acting immature. So, I said to my boss that I was not tattling on them. I was just too stressed out because of them and did not know what to do about it. My boss said that I should do whatever I wanted to do and should not care about them. So, I decided to distance myself from them. Later, my boss gave me other assignments. Someone had to sit in the front desk, and my co-workers said that they did not want to deal with people, so they would not do the front desk job. They preferred to work in the back where they could read books for their classes. So, my boss asked me to work at the front desk. My boss said that I could study if I worked at the front desk. My job was helping people find materials and answering the phone. So, when no one needed my help, I could study. I also said that I would like to do multiple tasks because I got bored easily with one task. My boss gave me three or four tasks. I liked it because I could be more efficient when I did multiple tasks. One of my tasks was copying materials and, because of that task, I could not completely avoid my previous co-workers. When they came to the copy room to make copies, they always came together. So, one person copied materials and the other read a book. They always took turns, which meant that always only one person worked and the other did not. In addition, they constantly talked to each other. I tried my best not to be bothered by them. The funny thing was that although I got permission to study for my classes at work from my boss, I could not do it. I still felt uncomfortable studying at work because I was not used to doing it. It seemed that others have no problem studying at work.
I: How do you make sense of it?
P: I don‘t know. Maybe I am obsessed with the idea that I should not do any personal things at work. I worked at the front desk when no one was scheduled to work at the front desk. When I worked at the front desk and no one needed my help, I could just read a textbook. However, I always did the computer coding work when I could read a textbook at the front desk. If someone needed help, or phone rang, then I ran to the front desk to take care of these things. I ended up working more.
I: Do you think that your behaviors at work are related to how you were in Korea?
195 P: I think so. I kept telling myself that I was stupid to not use this opportunity to study at work. I should not be totally exhausted from work. So, I decided to study deliberately at work a few days ago. Then, I found that my previous co-workers‘ work hours were reduced from twenty hours to ten hours. Now, they work for ten hours as a teaching assistant and ten hours at the library, and I am still working twenty hours at the library. I feel that if they only work for ten hours, they should work harder to finish up their job, but they still do not work hard. They check e-mail, surf Facebook and do whatever they want to do. I do these sorts of things during my break. I can only do what I believe is the righteous things to do. Do you know what I mean? I only surf the internet or do things unrelated to my job during my twenty minute breaks. But, now, we will be less productive because I am planning to study for my classes and my previous co-workers cut down their work hours. I am afraid to be perceived as a slacker since we will be less productive.
I: So, you still hold on to your old work ethic.
P: But, I am slowly changing my mind about it. I feel so exhausted after work. That makes me realize the importance of twenty minute breaks. It is necessary to take a break to increase productivity. I used to work hard without taking a break, and then once I completed the task, I was too exhausted to do anything. I ended up wasting thirty minutes doing nothing. I learned that in order to work in a consistent manner, it would be important to take a break once in a while. My plan was that I would work extra hard to finish up my job fast, and than, studied for my classes. But it did not work. I was exhausted from working so hard that I could not do anything after finishing up my work. So, I could understand why my boss took so many breaks at work. I could not understand him initially because he took so many breaks. He goes to a meeting in the morning and takes a break after the meeting. He also takes one and half hour of lunch breaks. I could not understand him getting a paycheck without feeling guilty since he takes so many breaks at work. But, now I understand him. He is always in the library, so taking a break may help him increase his productivity.
I: Do you think that you have a better understanding about the American work system?
P: On the other hand, now, I can understand why Korean Americans who are working at Korean companies are criticized by Koreans. I heard Koreans complaining about Korean Americans not working hard because they take too many breaks at work. Korean Americans may not be perceived as working hard by Korean standards. But, in reality, in order to increase productivity, it is important to take breaks. I think that this belief is another change that I experienced. It seems that I prefer the American style to the Korean style. I began to dislike the Korean style. I also have a different opinion about schoolwork than my American
196 classmates. They often say, ―I do not have a life‖, because they are too busy with schoolwork. But, I am really happy with everything about American graduate school. It provides the best study atmosphere. School provides financial support for graduate students, and it is really easy to find all the materials for research. Why would they expect more? How could they say, ―I do not have a life‖? What did they expect from graduate school? Graduate school is not a play ground. They do not know all the privileges that they have. When I was in graduate school in Korea, I struggled to find all the materials for my research. But, in American graduate school, I have never had a problem finding materials. Not only that, the school also provides money to go to a conference for presenting a paper.
I: You think that American students study in a better environment than Korean students but they do not appreciate what they have?
P: They take for granted their academic privileges. Maybe that is the reason why they do not appreciate what they have. Another interesting thing is that our library will move to a new building next year or two years from now. There are a lot of things to take care of before moving to a new building. Upper administrative people at the library always say that we have to hurry. They say that we have to hurry processing all the books, hurry putting barcodes on the books and so forth. However, they never pressure us to work harder. They always emphasize that it is important to take it easy, and people are more important than work. Koreans would not say such things. If my co-workers were in Korea, their boss would probably yell at them, ―Stop talking and focus on work!‖ So, I thought to myself that this kind of work environment would not be possible in Korea. Undergraduate student workers listen to music and surf the internet at work although they also get paid for working. But their boss does not say anything about it. If they spend too much time doing other things, their boss just comes to check on them once. That is all they do.
I: What differences have you found between Korean and American cultures?
P: I felt this even when I was at my previous school. My advisor was a department chair. So, he was really busy writing proposals for funding, meeting people, advising students, directing plays, and preparing for the program evaluation. It was really busy semester for him. However, I saw him having dinner with his wife and daughter in a local restaurant on the weekend. It was refreshing to me. He came to school early in the morning and sometimes came to school to work on weekends. He was really busy. Busy Korean men usually do not have time to see their children or talk to their wife. But it seems that Americans always put priority on spending time with their family and going on a family vacation. My current advisor and my boss always pick up their children from school, and my previous advisor, the
197 department chair, also picked up his daughter from school. Maybe his wife also had a job, but it was still refreshing to me that busy fathers like professors are also involved in taking care of children and spend time with their family. One of the female professors in my department has daughters living in other countries. When her daughters came to visit her, she spent time with them exclusively. Sometimes she went to visit them as well. She is also busy with other things including directing plays. I am not sure how it could be possible. How could they do everything and have time for their family? They may have less administrative work than Korean professors. As you know, Korean teachers, including professors, are busy with administrative work. But, in America, the department chair does a lot of administrative work, and secretaries also take care of a lot of paper work in the department. It seems that professors in America can focus on their research and advising their students. Professors spend significant time advising their students in America, and they always make themselves available to their students. Professors have never said to me,‖ I do not have time to talk to you‖, and they always welcomed me whenever I went to their offices. Some of them offered me advice although they were not my advisor. I had never had that kind of experience in Korea.
I: Korean professors were not always available to you when you needed them?
P: Korean professors were always busy. They often worked outside of the campus. It was okay to go to their office to talk to them, but I always felt that I was bothering them or wasting their time. For a couple of semesters after coming to America, I always said, ―I am sorry‖, and, ―thank you so much‖, when I went to professors offices to ask questions. I sincerely appreciated their help and felt bad about bothering them. But, they always said, ―No, this is what I am supposed to do‖, and explained to me that one of their jobs is helping students, so helping me is their responsibility. Initially, I thought that they were sarcastic, but I realized that they told me the truth.
I: What other differences have you noticed?
P: I probably do not know much about American culture since I came to America as an adult. But, one obvious difference is that Americans respect personal boundaries. They distinguish personal and public affairs clearly. I think people in the theater department are more personally involved with each other than average Americans. They are in each other‘s business, gave each other advice and make jokes about each other. But, sometimes, they also separate their business from others‘ businesses by telling each other that since they do not mind others business, others should not mind their business. But Koreans are different. Koreans are in others‘ business all the time. In a way, it can be considered as they care about
198 others more. Koreans also gossip about others a lot. Actually, I found that Americans are the same way about gossiping. Professors talk about students behind their back, and TAs also gossip about their students. One thing that is still mystery to me is Americans‘ dating relationships.
I: Dating relationships?
P: Yes. It is confusing to me. Students in my department are… Maybe it is because they are theater majors. There is one Korean American student in my department. She has a boyfriend, but she is also close to another man. Last year, I performed a musical. While practicing for the performance, I cried a lot because of the experience of unexpected culture shock.
I: What was that?
P: I am not sure if it was due to cultural differences between Korea and America or cultural differences between theater performance major and theater theory major, but I found that students who were preparing for the musical together were very affectionate toward each other. They hugged or pat each other during the break.
I: Were they in romantic relationships?
P: No. They were just friends. I am the kind of person who always need to have someone pat me affectionately. But when I am in a foreign country, I have different expectations about it because I know their idea about personal space. I was used to having personal space when I was in America, so when I visited Korea I felt uncomfortable because people did not respect personal space. Especially when I was pushed in the crowded subway, I was really annoyed. However, when I practiced the musical with theater majors, I saw them holding each other‘s arm and giving massage to others like Koreans do to each other. When I saw that I really wanted to be a part of them. I could not figure out how they could be so close to each other. Another thing that is confusing to me is that there are two gay men in our department. I had seen a gay man in the movie, but I have not seen a gay man in person until I met them in my department. They looked the same as heterosexual men, so it was confusing to me. One of them is a graduate student and I heard that he was sexually involved with other three undergraduate students who also practiced a musical together. It did not make sense to me. I have always had strict rules for what is acceptable and unacceptable, and if people act differently from my rules I have difficulty make sense of their behaviors. Since I came to America, I learned that there are so many different kinds of people, and people are capable of doing anything. When I was in Korea, I only went back and forth between school, church and
199 home. I had not had a chance to experience things outside of my small world although I heard various incidents from the news. Since I only heard about various incidents without really experiencing them, I had no clue about how it would be like to actually experiencing them.
I: Now, you have more experiences than when you were in Korea. How have those experiences affected you?
P: I began to change my mind about all the rules that I used to hold. At the same time, I experience more confusion about everything. I am less judgmental and accusatory about others‘ behaviors.
I: You feel that you become more open minded?
P: Yes. I accept more things than before. I accept possibilities of anything that people are capable of doing or can happen to people.
I: You had experienced various kinds of human relationships in America?
P: I am not sure if I have really experienced various kinds of relationships because I also had some indirect experiences.
I: You have seen various kinds of relationships?
P: Well, it is not exactly about relationships, but I have seen and accept various aspects of people including good and bad aspects. Now, I accept various aspects of human being.
I: What made your adjustment in America difficult?
P: Initially, language made my adjustment difficult. I could not express myself freely and could not communicate in English like I do in Korean. I was also concerned about how I would be perceived by Americans as an Asian and Korean. How would they make sense of what I talked about? Did they get my point? Would they understand what I said?
I: How about now? What makes your life in America difficult?
P: I have a religion, and when I was in the master‘s program, I had clear ideas about how people should be based on my religious beliefs. However, I found that that kind of attitude is not acceptable in America. It seems that in America, it is encouraged to respect multiple
200 perspectives in order to reduce conflicts. So, I am still not sure.
I: What are you not sure about?
P: For example, there are many different religions and social classes, and people from different backgrounds mingle together under the umbrella of democracy. So, people should have equal opportunities. Korea is smaller society, and if I did not study theater, I would be able to socialize with people who are similar to me exclusively throughout my entire life. But, I had chances to experience people from different social classes, and people who were involved in student demonstration. I realized that as I adjust myself to American culture, I have thrown away my old values and beliefs. I think that it was necessary to throw away some of my old values and beliefs. However, I have to have some kind of values and beliefs. I should have some kind of worldviews. I am not sure how Americans from different social classes, high, middle, and low classes interact with each other. From the surface level, they seem to co-exist peacefully. It seems that there is not much conflict among them. Maybe I perceive them that way because I am not in their dynamics.
I: Because you are not included in the dynamics among Americans?
P: Right. I have never seen Americans from different social classes interacting with each other. I have never seen Americans judging others. For example, one of the students in my department is a son of a professor, and his father is a high rank government officer. He bragged about his mom a lot, and he showed off about his background as well. But, everybody in the department liked him until this year. One student who started our program this year openly disliked him because of his attitude, and it was surprising to me since everyone did not seem to mind him bragging about his parents. If the student who bragged about his parents were in Korea, Koreans would say that he was disgusting. That kind of behavior is frowned upon in Korea. However, since none of my department students said anything about his behavior, I thought that it was acceptable behavior in America until the new student openly disliked him. It seemed that he was liked by everyone in the department although he was arrogant.
I: You want to see some consistency in your experience with Americans, but you keep finding exceptions that make you feel confused?
P: I cannot figure out ways to explain my experiences because of all the inconsistencies.
I: So, you cannot define what American culture is or what Korean culture is?
201 P: Not only I cannot define Koran and American cultures but also I cannot say anything about people. For example, I cannot make sense of Virginia Tech incident and cannot make sense of married men having a love affair. So many unexpected things happen to people.
I: You feel confused and have difficulty predicting anything because you have seen and heard of a lot of unexplainable things?
P: Right. I feel confused. I am still not sure about what is the right way to interact with people in America. I guess that Americans prefer to avoid obvious conflicts. I have never seen them having an argument with each other. I was told that it is better not to have some professors on my committee together because they do not get along well, but it is not noticeable from the surface level.
I: So from the surface level, everybody seem to have good relationships with each other although you are not really sure about how people really feel toward each other?
P: I want to know if Americans do not really care about others‘ business or they just do not express their opinions about others‘ behaviors. For example, I am living in a house with several women and one of our housemate‘s boy friend has been staying with her every night. I think that in this situation, someone could ask her, ―Do they live together?‖ But, it seemed that everybody did not care about him staying with her every night and greeted him friendly in the morning. It does not make sense to me. If the same thing happened in Korea, housemates would complain about her inviting her boyfriend every night.
I: So, you cannot understand why your house mates are not complaining about her bringing her boyfriend every night to a house where only women reside?
P: Right. They said that they do not care about it. I am not sure what Americans care about or not care about. Is there any specific thing that Americans care about? For example, some Americans who married at age 21 said that the reason that they got married early was to have a sexual relationship within marriage. They said that if their marriage does not work out, they could get divorced. It was interesting logic, but they are following the rule of their religion. So, it was okay with me.
I: Was that surprising to you?
P: Yes, it was. Some Americans are very strict about keeping one‘s virginity before getting married, but some other Americans who are also Christian seems to have sexual experiences
202 before getting married.
I: So there is no consistency again?
P: Right. I am not sure whether the differences are due to differences in social class or due to some other factors. One girl in my department was seriously considering getting married to her boyfriend, but she broke up with him because he kissed another girl. They had a long distance relationship for a year, but they broke up because he kissed another girl. Another girl with whom I used to work talked about her boyfriend a lot in the first semester. I asked her about him in the second semester. She said that she broke up with him and is dating another guy in the department. I have seen Koreans having long distance relationships between Korea and America for years without having any problems in their relationships, but it seems that Americans‘ long distance relationships do not usually last. Another student who used to working with me had a boyfriend whom she met while she was working at an acting troupe before starting graduate school. She said that they loved each other very much, but since they would not be able to see each other often for next three years, they decided not to have a committed relationship. They decided to accept each other meeting a new boyfriend/girlfriend.
I: Do you feel that Americans break up with their romantic partners more easily than Koreans?
P: I am not sure about that. I think Koreans also break up with their romantic partners easily. But, I cannot understand how they could break up because of the physical distance although they love each other. I cannot understand the way Americans think about relationships.
I: What do you think affected the differences between Koreans and Americans‘ way of thinking about romantic relationships?
I: I don‘t know. First of all, Americans do not care about saving virginity for marriage and do not take divorce seriously.
P: Do you think that Koreans care about those things?
I: I think that it depends on generation. Younger Koreans do not care about their virginity. I cannot understand younger Korean generation either. I don‘t know what makes them think so differently from my generation Koreans. Korean younger generations‘ way of thinking change rapidly, and it is interesting to hear about them. School offers them sex education, but
203 it does not seem to change their way of thinking. In a way I feel that Americans are better. Americans do not gossip about their ex-partners or hurt them out of spite. I often read about people murdering or threatening their ex-girlfriend or infidelity in relationships in the Korean internet site. I am not sure if those kinds of things also happen in America but are not reported because America is too big and Americans do not care about them. Maybe those kinds of incidents are reported in Korea because Korea is too small. But, I feel that Americans take infidelity in relationships more seriously than Koreans.
P: You think that cheating in romantic relationship is more acceptable in Korea?
I: I think Koreans have a double standard about cheating. They think that it is okay for men to cheat on their partner.
P: So they are more lenient toward men?
I: Yes. But American women do not tolerate men cheating on them.
P: So, that is the difference between Korean and American in romantic relationship?
I: I am not sure if it is difference. But it is confusing to me. Can Americans be friends with their ex boyfriends/girlfriends? Koreans try to hide their past romantic relationships from the current one. Korean women are not allowed to see their ex-boyfriend once they are married. But, here in America, it seems that people maintain good friendships with their ex partners and ask help from their ex boyfriend when it is necessary. I cannot understand Americans. I cannot understand Koreans either. Everything is confusing to me.
I: Is there any other thing that you would like to share about your experiences in America?
P: No.
Interview 2 I: With whom do you usually socialize in America?
P: I usually socialize with students in my department and Koreans at my church. When I lived in a dormitory, I socialized with students at my dormitory, and, now, I socialize with my housemates.
I: You socialize with both Koreans and Americans?
204
P: I also socialize with international students. I have some friends from Taiwan and Turkey.
I: With whom do you feel the most comfortable?
P: At my church, I feel the most comfortable with people in my age group, but there are not many people at my church whose age is close to mine. I also feel comfortable with one of the church staff who is at her forties. She has been taking care of me and even made Kim Chi for me. I also feel comfortable with international students.
I: Do you mean international students from Korea?
P: No, international students from all over the world. I have not met many Korean students whose age is close to mine. I knew a couple of Koreans whose age is close to mine, but it seemed that they already had friends in their age group. They did not seem to welcome me and did not want to study with me. Both of them came to my school a year earlier than me.
I: Did you know them before coming to your university?
P: Yes. I have known them for a couple of years. We were not very close. We were just acquaintances. But, I was excited to see them since we were in a foreign country. Every time I saw them, they always told me that they were busy with their studies and were struggling with life in America. Whenever I asked them to hang out with me, they said that they were too busy to see me. I was heavily involved in church activities for a while. For a while, not having a close friend made my life miserable. It was not easy to make a friend because there were not many people in my age group. I had difficulty finding people who could give me a ride since most of people at my church were younger than me. People who were a lot younger than me had time to give me a ride, but they did not feel comfortable with me since I was a lot older than them. There was one woman at my church who is the same age as me, but she had a new born baby, so she did not have time to pay attention to my needs. Now, one male student at my church gives me a ride to church and helps me with my computer problems. Although he is younger than me, he is reliable and makes my life much easier. The pastor at my church is nice to me, but I do not feel comfortable with him. He always insists that I should attend all the church meetings and activities like undergraduates do. He also tells me that I should take a break from studying more often. Few days ago, I attended a church meeting and wanted to leave the meeting with the couple who have a baby, but he insisted that I should stay there longer. Attending church meetings is time consuming. Whenever I come home from the church meeting, I have to wash my face and do other things before
205 getting back to my studies. In addition, I only have limited time to take a break from studying, and there are a lot of things that I want to do when I have free time. Some people may have a lot of spare time, so they can afford to attend all the church meetings and still have extra time to socialize with their friends. However, I only have limited spare time, and if I spend all my spare time at church, I would not have time to do other things. I do not think the pastor at my church understands that. Nowadays, I am doing fairly well unless the pastor at my church demands that I should attend the church events without considering my situation. I like my current living situation because many of my housemates are older and foreigners. Some of them are from Turkey, Taiwan or Malaysia.
I: So you feel more comfortable with Korean people in your age group?
P: I do not know many Koreans in my age group. At my church, we have one couple who were born in 1975 and one female student born in 1976. The single female student is a piano major, so she spends most of her time practicing piano. She also has a best friend who is in the master‘s program in her department. Because her best friend is in the master‘s program, her best friend has more spare time. It seems that they help each other, have at least two meals together and spend most of their time together. Because she has a best friend, she does not need to see me. Also, we have different life styles. It is frustrating that no one has a similar life style to me. Whereas she found someone who has a similar life style to her, I have not found someone who has a similar life style to me yet. I have not found someone who enjoys watching movies, going to performances, or getting exercise, but is also busy with studies most of time. I want to have a friend who studies hard during the weekdays and spends time with me on weekends. I had that kind of friend when I lived in a dormitory right after coming to my current school. She is an American. She had a boyfriend in another city, so unless her boyfriend was in town, she went to watch movies, or saw performances, or got exercise with me. At that time, she was enrolled in the continuing education program, but now, she attends a master‘s program in nursing. So, she has been too busy to see me for several months, and we lost contact. Last year, I got in touch with her again, and she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend and has been busy dating other men every weekend. I found that regardless of nationality, a lot of women in my age group are similar to her. During the week days, they are too busy to have meals, so, they carry fruits and carrots to eat, and during the weekends, they are busy dating men. I am the only exception. So, if I am looking for people who can enjoy movies, plays or exercise with me, I have to find them from women who are younger than me. Otherwise, I need to look for a boyfriend. I realized that women in my age group are not interested in spending time with women.
I: How do you make sense of that?
206 P: A lot of American women in my age group already have a family and a job, and some American women in my age who are still single and in school seem to look for a husband who has a secure job. One of the female students in my department was born in 1980, but right after she started graduate school, she started to look for a church where she could find a husband. If a church did not have many bachelors, then she went to another church. She told me that when she left the church, she openly said to church members, ―This church cannot provide a Christian man for me‖. She also consulted with male students in my department to receive their opinions about dating. Now, she is dating her ideal man. Before she had a boyfriend, she asked other students in the department to go to a movie theater or to have a meal with her, but ever since she started to date, she left school right after classes were over. I asked her why she went home early, and she said that she either went to her boyfriend‘s place to have dinner with him or she cooked dinner for her boyfriend. So, she had to leave school quickly right after classes. Two female students in my department seem to have more spare time, but they were born in 1984. I feel that they are too different than me. Both of them are American, and one of them has a boyfriend and the other does not have a boyfriend. The girl with a boyfriend visits her boyfriend some weekends, but usually they spend most of their time together. They are best friends. They started our program in the same year, and they have been taking care of each other. For example, if one person missed a meeting, the other person informed her of what we did at the meeting. They know of each other‘s schedule and exercise together. I wanted to have that kind of relationship, but it seems that it would be impossible to find someone with whom I can have that kind of relationship. My problem is that I do not have time to invest myself to develop that kind of relationship. I also found that women who can potentially develop that kind of relationship with me usually spend their spare time with men or attending social gatherings where they can potentially meet men.
I: Would you say that your current relationships with people are rather superficial because you do not share the same priorities as other people?
P: I do not think it is the problem with priorities, but I cannot even expect to have someone who can share my daily life experiences.
I: Why? Is it because you do not have enough time to do it?
P: No. It is not the matter of not having enough time. I cannot talk about my daily life experiences to people who are younger than me.
I: Why?
207 P: I need to have someone who can understand my situation. For instance, the pastor at my church does not understand my situation. He said that I should take a break from studying more often and should stay at the church event longer. I told him that another church member also left the event to go to his lab, and a lot of students work even on the fourth of July to graduate early. I also told him about a person who went to her lab until she had a baby and said that I had not even taken qualifying exam and did not have a degree yet. When I said these to him, he scolded that I should not think negatively.
I: You feel that people do not understand your situation?
P: I think so. It would be great to find someone who can understand my situation, but I have not met someone who understood my situation. So I gave up finding that person.
I: Why do you think that you have not found someone who can understand your situation?
P: I am not sure. Probably I should look for a man. As I mentioned before, women in my age group are either married or looking for a man. They are interested in dating.
I: Do you think that people in your age group can understand your situation better than people who are younger than you?
P: Yes. I also feel that it is pathetic to talk about my experiences to people who are younger than me.
I: If you were in Korea, would you be able to meet people who could understand your situation easier than now?
P: I am not sure. My situation is closely tided to my condition which is an old single international student, and I would not be in this situation if I were in Korea. It would be great if I could find someone who understands my situation, but my life would be much better if I could have a friend who can get exercise and go to a movie theater with me. When I was in Korea, I had never had a problem finding people who could do such things with me. When I was in Korea, I was always busy attending social gatherings, and sometimes I wished that my friends left me alone.
I: It sounds that you did not experience social isolation until you came to America. Would you say that you are not satisfied with your relationships with people in America?
208 P: You can say that.
I: Why do you think that you cannot be satisfied with your relationships with people in America?
P: The same answer as your other questions. All women in my age group are either married or dating a man.
I: So, you cannot have satisfactory relationships with people because women in your age group do not share similar interests to you?
P: The problem is that I cannot find friends in my age group. Even many men in my age group are already married.
I: Do you mean that you cannot find people in your age group who are in the same situation as you?
P: No, I cannot. Most of Korean students in my age group whom I know are already married or too busy to socialize with me. I know one Korean man who is the same age as me, and he majors engineering. It seems that he socializes with his lab mates and Korean male students in his department. He visits a Korean professor‘s house with other Korean graduate students in his department and has no problem getting a ride from other Korean graduate students in his department. In addition, older male Korean graduate student in his department cook dinner for him sometimes. I do not expect someone to cook for me, but I want to cook with other people or learn to cook from others. I have not had a chance to do that with others. I could go to visit the church staff member that I mentioned before, but her house is 20 minutes away from my place by car. Since I do not have a car, I cannot visit her without others‘ help.
I: Do you think that not having a car has affected your adjustment in America?
P: It has had a major impact on my adjustment in America. If I were in Korea, I could take subway or bus to visit anyone I wanted to see, but in America, I cannot visit people without others‘ help and that makes me feel real sad.
I: Do you think that not having a car has affected your interpersonal relationships negatively?
P: I don‘t think so. Not having a car has affected the quality of my life in America. If I had a car, I would be able to go to places by myself to refresh my mind. When I was in Korea, I
209 enjoyed going to a movie theater by myself. But, here, I do not want to walk to a movie theater by myself. I have thought about how my life would be different if I had a car. I would probably drive to a shopping mall alone to release my stress if I had a car several years ago. But, now, I am not sure if I would go to a shopping mall alone even if I had a car. I think that I desperately need friends now. I used to attribute my feelings of loneliness to not having a car. I used to think that if I had a car, I would drive to a park alone to take a walk or to enjoy nature, and I thought that it would help me to refresh my mind. I used to travel alone and went to bag packing to Europe alone. But since last year, I started to dislike doing things alone because when I do activities alone, I cannot share the memories of experiencing the activities with other people. I am the only one who remembers my experience, and I cannot share my experiences with others. I do not have shared memories with others.
I: How would you explain your changes?
P: I don‘t know. Maybe I changed with aging?
I: You have experienced a lot of changes in the last year?
P: Right. The last time I came to America, I was not like this. I was not like this when I was in Korea before coming back to America this time. I started to feel this way since I came back to America this time.
I: So, you are not satisfied with your relationships in America?
P: Right. I am not satisfied with my relationships in America. It used to make my life miserable, but lately, I decided to focus more on the here and now. I try to enjoy chatting with my housemates while cooking meals in the kitchen and getting exercise with them. Actually, I found that some of them are in a similar situation to me. They are busy with their studies most of the time, and when we run into each other in the kitchen, we chat. Since we are in a similar situation, it is easier to have deep conversations.
I: What do you mean by a similar situation?
P: They are older female graduate students. Since we share a lot of similarities, we can start the conversation easily whenever we run into each other. Sometimes we decide to go grocery shopping in the middle of conversation.
I: Are they also international students?
210 P: One is from Turkey and the other is American. The American lady is a lot older than me.
I: So, people‘s nationality does not matter to you when you engage in deep conversations with others as long as they are in a similar situation to you?
P: Right. I do not care about their nationality.
I: So, are you satisfied with your relationships with them?
P: Yes. It is easy for me to understand their situation, and I feel more comfortable with them. Usually when we socialize with others, we also need to pay attention to the other person‘s needs. But with them, I do not have to do it. When we run into each other, we naturally start conversation such as, ―I need to buy something. Do you need to go to a grocery store as well?‖, ―Did you watch the newly released movie?‖, ―Do you want to go to get exercise?‖, or ―Do you want to go outside to take a walk?‖ We ask each other if the other person is interested in joining the activity but even if the other person says that she cannot do it, we do not take it personally. It is not like, ―She turns down my invitation, so I will not ask her to do things with me next time‖, because we know that we can do the activity together next time. Do you know what I mean? Because we understand each others‘ situation, we do not have to worry about turning down other‘s invitation. We are all busy with studies, so we cannot always do things with the other person. So, if I asked one of them, ―do you want to go to a grocery store to buy milk with me?‖, and she can say, ―I am sorry. I cannot go with you because I have to study.‖ She may ask me to go to grocery shopping with her later, but I can say that although I would love to go grocery shopping with her, I cannot go because I have to study. I know that she would understand my situation without taking it personally.
I: So you can be honest with them but do not have to worry about how they would take your responses?
P: Right. Because we all understand that we cannot be available for each other all the time. People with more spare time would stop inviting me to join their activities if I turn them down their invitation several times. They would think that I would never be available for them and move on to another person. But, because we all know that we cannot be available for each other when the other person wants to do something together, it is easier for us to ask each other without expecting that the other person will say, ―Yes.‖ I also feel comfortable saying, ―No‖, to them since I know that they would not feel hurt by it.
I: So, you have developed closer relationships with them recently?
211 P: Right. It has been about a month. Another difficulty that I have been experiencing is that the person who gives me a ride to the church every Sunday was born in 1981. I feel little bit uncomfortable with him. We are not really friends, but he helps me a great deal. I have felt bad about being such a burden to him until I noticed that he also helps other people as well. Even if he was busy studying for his exams, he would offer to help when others need help such as offering help to a church member moving to a new place. Since he has helped me a lot, I have thought about ways to pay him back. But, I could not figure out what would be the best way to pay him back. If he were my friend, I could take him to a movie theater, but he is not really my friend. I thought about taking him to a restaurant to treat him dinner, but it would feel awkward since I would need to ask him to give me a ride to the restaurant. I thought about buying a gift card for him, but I do not know what he likes. He also helped the church staff member a lot, and I heard him jokingly said to her that she should remember everything that he has done for her and should return his favor with a big gift. He also jokingly told me recently that I should prepare for something to return his favor. Anyway, if we were closer in age, we could be friends. There was one exchange student at my church who was born in 1984, and it seemed that she had no problem getting a ride. Since a lot of students at my church were in her age group, they felt comfortable hanging around with her and offered her a ride. But, I do not have much to say when I am with people who are a lot younger than me, so it is uncomfortable asking them a ride. Even if they give me a ride, I have nothing to say in the car.
I: Is it because you do not share common interests with them?
P: Right. So, we only talk about superficial things. Do you know what I mean? If I want to get close to them, I have to see them often to maintain relationships. But, I do not have that kind of time. I have to do the activities that they like such as going to an amusement park, going bowling, or going to a movie theater. They constantly do something together, but I can only afford to join them once a month. So, it is not easy to get close to them. We have different personalities and different interests, and, most of all, we do not have the same amount of spare time. So, I only see them when I need their help. Although I do not want to do that, I have to contact them when I need a ride. It is difficult. My housemates are really busy, and only when I run into them, I can ask them a favor. But, I do not expect them to help me because they are too busy. I feel that I am repeating myself.
I: You understand your housemates, and they understand your situation. So, they understand you easily.
P: They do not expect anything from me. So, even if I said, ―No‖, when they ask me to go
212 somewhere with them, they do not feel displeased. They also keep asking me if I would like to do something with them although I turn down their invitation often. If we do not do something together today, we can do it later. Do you know what I mean?
I: You can feel more relaxed in your relationships with them because they understand your situation?
P: But, with people at my church, I always feel bad about not being able to join their gatherings. I always try to make time to go to their gatherings.
I: So, you experience more pressure in your relationships with the church members?
P: Right. I feel pressure to attend their gatherings, but I keep missing them.
I: They do not understand your situation, and you feel obligated to attend their gatherings.
P: Right. I could not attend all the church events, and church members always asked me why I did not attend the event. There are so many events at church, but I can only afford to attend a few.
I: How would you evaluate your adjustment to American life?
P: My adjustment was more difficult than I expected when I came back to America. I did not have any problem adjusting myself to a new environment when I came to America for the first time. At that time, I did not even have to think about adjusting myself to a new environment because I only focused on my studies. The first time, I really enjoyed the beautiful nature of the town and liked to be far away from Korea because I was sick and tired of living in a polluted city and dealing with other things in Korea. I enjoyed every single aspect of the life in a small town in America. I even thought that it was fun to walk back from a grocery store with my Filipino friend. That town was so small that I did not need a car to go to places in town. But in the city where I live now, the quality of life is heavily influenced by whether a person has a car or not. In addition, there are more undergraduate Korean students in my current school than my previous school. By the way, what was the question?
I: What made your adjustment difficult?
P: Initially, I could not understand why there was no one who was willing to offer me help, and it made my adjustment difficult. It was a more fundamental difficulty than experiencing
213 difficulties with getting a ride. I could not understand why it was so difficult to find people who could help me to go to buy things for settling down. Later, I realized that my age has something to do with my initial experiences in my current school.
I: You mean people do not offer you help because you are older than them?
P: Because I am a lot older than many other Korean students, there were not many Koreans who could help me. When I was in the previous school, there was an older couple who took care of me a lot. They invited me to dinner and went grocery shopping with me. I really appreciated their help. Sometimes they took me to grocery stores and bought me rice or Kim Chi from the Korean grocery store in another city. Although I did not eat Korean food often at that time, I could cook some Korean food because of their help. But, now, I live in a city where there are two Korean grocery stores, but I cannot go there often because I do not have a car.
I: You mean that there were no Koreans who were older than you and were willing to help you out when you came to the current city?
P: Before coming back to America, I probably unconsciously expected that there must be someone who would help me to settle down. Right after I came to the current city, I went to the biggest Korean church in town, but could not find a ride. There were hundreds of Koreans in the church, but they did not know who could give me a ride. While attending that church, a different person gave me a ride every weekend. There was one female student who offered me a ride, but it seemed that she felt uncomfortable when she found out that I was older than her. She gave me a ride for a few times, and then told me that it would be difficult for her to continue to give me a ride because I lived too far away from her place.
I: So, age had a major impact on your relationships with Koreans?
P: Right.
I: It is natural for older people to take care of younger people, but it is unnatural for younger to take care of older people?
P: I realized that I am too old to receive help from others. Even after I switched church to the current church, I was under a lot of stress because I could not get help from others. I still had the expectation that someone would help me out because I still had no clue about how my age affected my experiences. At that time, the church staff member that I mentioned before
214 helped me to understand my experience. She told me that I reached an age that I should take care of younger people. I am the oldest student at my church, so I should offer help to other younger students. But, I did not have a car and could not afford to buy a car. I felt that if I were in the master‘s program, it would be much easier to get help. There was one female student who was four years younger than me, and we lived in the same dormitory. It seems she has no problem getting a ride to a grocery store or a shopping mall. She was closer in age with other students at my church, so she had more comfortable relationships with other church members. Because I was a lot older than other students at my church, they did not feel comfortable with me. Although the female student with whom other student at my church had casual relationships was casual with me, other students still seemed to experience difficulty treating me as their friend. It was difficult to be the oldest in the crowd. I would say that my first year in the current school was the most difficult year for me. In addition to experiencing difficulties getting help, I did not have financial support from the department, and was not sure if I would be able to receive any financial support in the future. Even worse, I could not go to a Korean grocery store to buy Korean groceries and did not know where to go to buy things that I needed to buy to settle down. People told me that I should go to the Best Buy or Micro Center, but I did not know where they were located. I had to ask several people to get a ride to a store to buy a USB memory stick, and I felt pathetic. Another problem was that if I came to the current school about a month early and explore the city by taking a bus, my adjustment would be easier. But, I came back to America one week before the semester started. So I did not have time to learn about the city. I did not have time to explore the city until the summer break. Because I did not come early to explore the place, I did not know anything about the city.
I: So you were not well prepared.
P: Right.
I: Would you say that you experienced more difficulties in your relationships with Koreans while adjusting yourself to the new environment?
P: Yes. My American classmates invited me to all their parties and events, but I did not go any of them. I cannot understand why I did not attend their parties and social gatherings. It is one of the changes that I experienced from the first time I was in America and this time. While I was in the previous school, I attended an American church and socialized with Americans. Not only were there not many Koreans at my previous school, but also I had no interest in socializing with Koreans when I was in the previous school. But after I switched to a smaller church in my current city, I was constantly longing to have a Korean friend. The
215 female student majoring in piano whom I mentioned before helped me out initially. She gave me a ride to grocery stores and other places. She went to a shopping mall every weekend to release stress, so I used to go along with her although I had nothing to buy. But whenever I went shopping with her, we ended up coming home late. So, I could not attend my department students‘ social gatherings. Because I did not attend any of their gatherings, they stopped inviting me. I always told them that I would go to their gatherings, but I always ended up calling them to tell them that I could not go. I cannot understand why I did that.
I: When you came to America second time, did you want to socialize with Koreans?
P: Not really. I was just looking for someone who is in my age group and with whom I could share everything about my experiences. I wanted to find a best friend. Especially right after coming to the current city, I could not do anything by myself. So, I depended on the Korean female student majoring in piano a lot. She is two years younger than me. Our relationship started to change somewhat after one of her distant cousins started a graduate program in her department. I always sat in the passenger seat when I went shopping with her, but ever since her cousin joined our shopping, her cousin sat in the passenger seat, and I sat in the back seat. I did not like the new situation and was jealous of her cousin. I did not like her cousin. It was not the feeling that I had ever expected to experience. Anyway, I started to avoid them because I did not like the feeling.
I: Sounds like it was similar to a triangle relationship.
P: Right. I could not understand my experience.
I: Have you ever had a similar experience in Korea?
P: No. It could not happen.
I: Why not?
P: Because I have so many friends in Korea.
I: When you were in Korea, you had a lot of friends, so you did not focus on one relationship, but here, since she was the only friend you had, you depended on her too much?
P: Right.
216 I: How about now?
P: Fortunately, I overcame that feeling. I do not attach to the idea of finding a best friend. I have been waiting for one special friend for the last year, but I could not find one. It exhausted me. So, I decided to be free from the desire to find a best friend, and since I let my desire go, I started to get to know more people.
I: So, not having a friend made your adjustment difficult?
P: No. I was in a situation that I could not get help from anyone, and it made my adjustment difficult. I still do not have people who help me out although I am somehow adjusted to my situation. But, it is still difficult. It was also difficult to have no financial support in the first year. In addition, I struggled a lot in classes because I had difficulty participating in class discussions. I understood the discussion materials and had my opinion, but still I could not talk about it in classes.
I: Why?
P: Because of my problems with speaking in English. It made my school life miserable. My American classmates have no problem expressing their opinions although, in my opinion, their opinions are somewhat immature. They presented their opinion confidently as if it was a great idea, but I could not present my opinions although I had a better opinion than theirs. I could not express my opinion in English. Sometimes I could not say anything throughout the entire class and felt horrible about myself. I cried a lot because of that struggle. That problem made my first semester miserable.
I: How did you overcome that problem?
P: Time solved the problem. As time went by, I gained more confidence in my ability to speak in English. But, I struggled a lot in the first two semesters due to my problems with speaking in English. Americans are talkative. They talked about their stories a lot, but in the first two semesters, I did not want to hear about their stories. I already had masters‘ degrees in both Korea and America, and I knew more about the field than them. So, I already knew a lot of things that we learned in class, but for them, everything was new. Initially, although I knew the material, I did not even want to say what I knew. But, now, I talk a lot, because I was getting frustrated with myself. The strange thing was that even though I could not say a word in my major classes, I could be really talkative in other classes such as ESL (English as a Second Language) class or classes offered by other departments. I took a Korean culture
217 class that was offered by a Korean professor, and there were a lot of Korean students and other foreign students in that class. I talked a lot in that class and had no problem talking in English. I think that my problem with speaking in English might had something to do with my attitude. When there were only Americans in class like my major classes, I felt too anxious to speak because I tried to speak in perfect English. However, when I was in class with a lot of foreigners, I felt comfortable and did not have any problem speaking in English.
I: So it was not a matter of your ability to speak in English?
P: Right. It was the problem with my own attitude.
I: When you were with Americans, you did not feel comfortable speaking in English, but when you were with other foreigners, you felt comfortable speaking in English?
P: Right. I felt more secure when I spoke in English around foreigners because they were not native speakers. They would not mind if I made few mistakes when I spoke in English. So, I did not care if I spoke correctly or not. They always praised my English.
I: So, you did not feel comfortable speaking in English around Americans because you did not want them to hear you making mistakes in English?
P: Right. I was hyperconscious about what I said in English when I talked to my advisors or other Americans.
I: How about now?
P: I just say whatever I want to say.
I: Whether what you say is grammatically correct or not?
P: For a while, I really did not care whether I said grammatically correct English or not, but now I pay more attention to grammar. But, it was amazing to see how I could be different when I spoke in English depending on who listened to me at that time. When I was with foreigners, I could speak in English fluently and confidently. I could say everything that I wanted to say in a class where there were many foreigners. But, when I was in a class with exclusively Americans, I could not say a word. There were only five to six students in my major classes and you would think that it would be easier to talk in a small class. But I felt more comfortable talking in a larger class with a lot of foreigners. So I released all my stress
218 in the class with a lot of foreigners by talking a lot. I also took a German class and I am confident in speaking in German since I had lived there for years. There was one student who spoke German as good as I could and another international student who lived in Germany for a while. However, I was good at German, so I felt comfortable speaking in that class as well, and it helped me to release stress that I experienced from other classes with exclusively Americans.
I: Do you feel more comfortable speaking in German than in English?
P: No. But I spoke German better than my classmates. I could tolerate the stress I experience in the classes with all Americans through talking freely in other classes such as German class or Korean culture class. But, now, professors in my department say that my English has improved a lot, and I have gained more confidence in speaking in English. So, that problem has solved. Another issue I had when I started graduate school was that not only I had no financial support but also I was not given a chance to teach undergraduate courses. Even American students in the master‘s program taught undergraduate course right after they started the graduate program. But, although I had two master‘s degrees, I was not given a chance to teach undergraduate courses. I really wanted to teach undergraduate courses even when I was in the master‘s program. I found that master‘s program students who taught undergraduate courses did not really know what they taught. Sometimes professors did not seem be an expert on what they taught. I had never seen that in my life. When I was in the master‘s program, I was told to present a topic that I researched for my undergraduate thesis since I was an expert in my research topic. I thought that my professor was joking. It seems that Americans respect what I know although it could be a trivial thing. When I was in Korea, I always thought that I was not good enough and had to study hard to be an expert. But after seeing Americans teach classes although they were not a complete expert in the area that they teach, I felt that I could teach classes as well. I really wanted to teach. But, no one gave me an opportunity to teach, and professors evaluated me based on my ability to speak in English. It was frustrating. I knew that professors talked about me with each other. They talked about my struggles to speak out in classes.
I: Although you thought that you had enough knowledge to teach undergraduate courses, because you could not convey your knowledge fluently in English, professors did not think you could teach classes?
P: Right. I could teach in English, but they evaluated me based on how well I spoke in English when I had meetings with them or when I was in their classes. But, I did not speak well in their classes because I did not feel comfortable.
219 I: Did you feel that they did not really know you, and they evaluated you with limited information about you?
P: Right. I could not speak in English well in their classes because I felt anxious and uncomfortable. I did not think that my ability to teach would be entirely related to my ability to speak in English when I had meetings with professors. I had experiences of teaching students in a private institute and a school in Korea, and I thought that I could teach undergraduate courses based on that experiences. But, I could not convince them that I had an ability to teach. They did not think that I was capable of teaching undergraduate courses.
I: You did not feel understood?
P: No.
I: You did not feel that they had a good understanding about your ability and knowledge?
P: My advisor told me in the second semester that I should pass the speaking test soon. I started to express my desire to teach undergraduate courses to my department professors at some point. One of the international students advised me that I needed to be more assertive in America to get whatever I wanted to get. So, I made an appointment with different professors to express my desire to teach undergraduate courses. One of the professor told me that the classes that TAs teach are very important classes for our department, and if not many students register for the class, the class would be closed, and the department would lose a number of classes that they offer. Then, the professor told me, ―We depend on that course. In case the undergraduate students don‘t understand your English, and they complain, it is going to be a problem.‖ So, I learned the department‘s position on the issue. I thought that it made a sense. Another thing that upset me was that I found a lot of international students who could not speak good English were in the TA training course and they were already TAs. Compared to them, my English was excellent, but I was not a TA yet. But, later, I found that they taught mathematic courses.
I: Were they students in the engineering department?
P: Yes. Some majored in mathematics. So, they mainly taught formulas from the textbook, gave quizzes from the textbook, and graded the quizzes. But, my major was theater. I also met one Korean graduate student in the English department and found that she taught English composition class. So, I asked her how she could get that assignment. She said that her department assigned her to teach that class. I was puzzled, but later, I found that since English
220 composition is a required class for every undergraduate student at my university, every doctoral student in the English literature department taught that class whether they were American or international students. I thought that it was ironic that international students in English department could teach English to Americans, but I could not teach theater courses to American students. I had a similar experience in Korea. I majored in English literature as an undergraduate and also have a teaching certificate for teaching English, but because I was not majoring in English in graduate school, some parents turned me down when I was looking for a part time job for teaching English. I felt frustrated at that time because I could not use my knowledge to make money. Interestingly, I had the same experience in America as well. Korean students majoring in English literature could teach English to American students, but I could not teach theater courses to American students although my English was better than theirs. There is one international student in our department, but her specialty is acting and she was assigned to teach a class. So, I asked the department why she was given a chance to teach but I wasn‘t. I was told that all acting major students have a different assignment schedule than my major students. They take turns between teaching, working at the library special collection department, and working at the department office. But my major is history, literature, and criticism, and our assignments in the department are teaching, selling tickets at the box office, and working at the library special collection department. So, I could do either selling tickets at the box office or working at the library special collection department.
I: They did not give you teaching assignment because all other students in your major were Americans?
P: Yes. I already had two master‘s degrees, was in doctoral program, and was much older than the other students in my department, but other American students were in the master‘s program and did not know much about the teaching materials. However, they were assigned to teach undergraduate classes right after starting the master‘s program because they speak better English than me. I studied theater five to six years longer than them and had more experiences in the field, but just because I was not a native speaker, I was not given a chance to teach initially. Fortunately, since last semester, I was told that the department was considering giving me a teaching assignment. I wonder if they are considering me because I bother them too much. Anyway, since everything starts in the fall semester, I have to wait until the fall semester to teach. The first year, I did not get any financial support, so I did not work. I started to receive financial support from the department in the second year, and I was assigned to work at the library special collection department. Probably the department did not know that I wanted to teach. So I had to work at the library although I wanted to teach. I sent an e-mail to the department chair that I needed to have personal interactions with undergraduate students through teaching. I also wanted to receive feedback about my
221 teaching from them as well. I also talked to a professor who was in charge of assigning teachers for the required classes in the theater department. The professor told me that I would be able to teach classes since my English had improved a lot. But, since it was in the middle of the semester, I was told to work at the library until the end of the school year. I said that I did not think I would be able to teach in the next fall because I was planning to take the qualifying exam in the fall. A lot of students in my department take a year off from teaching when they are preparing for the qualifying exam. Another reason why I wanted to start to teach as soon as possible was that in my department, in order for a TA to teach upper level course, they have to teach a 100 level class first. There are three to four courses offered in my department that are related to history which is the area that I can teach, and in order for me to teach upper level courses, I had to start to teach as early as possible. It would be easier for me to teach upper level courses because I can utilize my field experiences more in teaching upper level courses. I also prefer to teach classes that I can use my life experiences to teach class materials. It takes the most time to prepare for teaching the 100 level courses because, for that class, I have to memorize the information in the textbook and deliver them to students. I did not think I would have time to do that in the semester that I have to prepare for the qualifying exam. So, I went to the department chair again to explain my situation. I said that I would prefer to work at the library while preparing for the qualifying exam. Since my job at the library does not require much thinking, I would be able to think about the study materials for the qualifying exam. But, I was told that I should teach class. But, he reduced my teaching load. So I will teach one class instead of three classes. So, things are getting better.
I: Do you feel that you are doing better now than before?
P: Now, things are much better. I feel more comfortable with professors, and my English writing has improved a lot. Initially I struggled with writing in English as well. Because I got a high score in the TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) writing test, I did not have to take English composition class. Now, I am looking back, I feel that I should have taken that class. If I took the English composition class, I would probably not struggle with writing in English as much as I did.
I: What do you think helped your adjustment in America?
P: There are many things that helped my adjustment. Getting financial support from the department helped my adjustment in a practical way. It was a huge relief. I also lowered my expectations about interpersonal relationships. No matter how much I tried, I could not make a friend. For example, whether I went to an American church or a Korean church, most of people were younger than me or had a job and married. But, I could not socialize with
222 married people since they do not share same life style and same interests as me. So, I gave up on the idea of finding a friend in my age group. By the way, what was the question?
I: What helped your adjustment in America? You said that getting a financial support from the department and lowering your expectations about interpersonal relationships helped.
P: I overcame other difficulties by trying hard. I studied hard to improve my writing and gaining confidence in English. I spent time with my friends once in a while to uplift my mood. I also changed my attitude. Instead of complaining about not having people who helped me out, I tried to appreciate any help I get from others.
I: What did you learn from your experiences in America?
P: I learned that it is important to help each other.
I: What made you think that way?
P: I learned the importance of helping each other through seeking help from others. When I was in Korea, I did not need to seek help from others, and my parents taught me that I should not seek help from anyone. I did not seek help from others, and I was not offering help to others when I was in Korea. Since I did not need help from others, I did not have to ask for help. So, I did not know how to ask people for help. But, since I came to America, I kept running into situations that I needed help such as getting a ride or getting help for moving to another place. When I asked help, some people told me that they could not help me because they were too busy or some people appeared to be bothered by me, and their responses made me feel bad. However, some people gladly offered me help and initially I could not believe that they were willing to help me out, but when I saw them helping other people as well, I realized that there were people who were willing to help out others. I learned from them that it is important to help out others. I tried to help out others as much as I can. In addition, when I received help from others, I thought about ways in which I could do something for them as well. I thought about what they might need. The downside of this is that if I felt that there was nothing I could do for the person who helped me out, I could not ask for help from him/her anymore because I felt like I owe him/her. Initially, I struggled with that idea a lot. But, slowly I have gotten used to the situations that I could not return others‘ favor as much as they helped me. I changed my perspective about it. I used to think that if someone helps me, I must have to do something for the person who helped me. But, it is not always possible. So, I decided to help others who needed my help. No one can live alone, and people need others‘ help at some point. Before I needed help from others, I did not know it was important
223 to help others. I did not know how to help others. I did not know the situation of people who sought help. I did not know that it was difficult to ask for help. I thought that it would be easy to ask for help before I started to ask for help. So, I could not understand why people were hesitant to ask for help. In addition, I saw younger church members help each other, and it also made me think about the importance of helping each other in developing relationships. They constantly ask for help and offer help and take each other to dinner to express their appreciation for receiving help. Initially, I could not do what they did. If I received help from someone from whom I did not want to receive help, I could not tolerate the feeling that I owed them. So, I wanted to pay them back immediately. Once I did something for them to return their favor, I did not want to interact with them anymore because I did not want to remember receiving help from them.
I: Instead of continuing to build relationships with them?
P: Right. I feel that I was wrong. It was a very unnatural way of thinking.
I: Would you say that your ways of thinking have changed a lot?
P: Right.
I: Especially when you came to America second time?
P: Right. I did not experience much change in my thinking in the first time. I was only focusing on my school work at that time. Realistically, it was difficult not to have someone who was willing to help me out. But, another thing that I thought was that since I was older than a lot of students, I should be able to take care of them. For example, I thought that I should invite younger students to my place to serve fruits or cook meals for them. In addition, since I was getting most help from younger Korean students, I wanted to treat them to express my appreciation. However, unlike when I was in Korea, I could not find an appropriate place to treat them in my city. In addition, since everybody is busy with their schedule, it would be awkward to ask them to make time so I could treat them. Most Koreans usually cook at home to treat others, but I was not good at cooking and my place did not have a kitchen. If I wanted to cook for others, I would have to do that in the others‘ place. It was too stressful, because I could not cook for younger Korean students due to my situation. So, I am planning to move to an apartment where I can practice cooking in my kitchen and invite people to feed my food. I am planning to invite the church members at least once to twice per semester since I have been getting help from many people at my church. It is not easy to treat them every time they help me because it would be too expensive. Even if they did not help
224 me, I would like to cook for them as an older sister since I am the older than them. Other Korean church members in my age group are married and have their own place, so, they can offer their place for studying bible and other things. Church members visit their place and spend time together. But, I have not had my own place because I always shared a house with housemates or lived in a dormitory. I am not satisfied with my living arrangement because I cannot invite my church members to my place. It limits things that I can do for them.
I: Why do you constantly experience pressure to do things for other church members? Is it because you have received help from them or because of your seniority?
P: My age is one of the reasons. I am not sure why I feel this way (laugh & silence).
I: Were you that way even when you were in Korea?
P: I was that way even when I was in Korea. On my pay day, I used to take my friends who were younger than me to a family restaurant. When I hung out with younger people, I always paid for their meals when we ate out. But, in America, I cannot do it. First of all, I do not eat out often because it is too expensive compared to Korea. If I eat out, I usually spend about ten dollars for one meal including the tip. But, I am not really satisfied with the quantity of the food, and I do not think that it is good for my health either. So, I usually cook for myself. However, I am not a good cook, and I cook food for survival and obtaining necessary nutrition for my body. So, I cannot offer my food to others. In addition, if undergraduate students at my church cannot cook, and they were in a financially difficult situation, I could offer my food. But, they were really good cooks. I saw one of the male undergraduate students at my church posting all the dishes that he cooked on his personal website. It seemed that he is a really good cook. He cooked Korean food and western food, and even baked cakes. I felt ashamed of my poor cooking skill when I saw his website. I felt that there was nothing that I could do for the younger Korean church members. I cannot even attend all of their events because I did not have enough time to do it.
I: Do you feel that way only toward Koreans?
P: My poor cooking skills were problematic when I try to socialize with Americans as well. I visited my American classmates a couple of times, and, at that time, my male classmates cooked food for us. I felt that I should cook for them as well, but there was no Korean dish that I could cook confidently for my classmates. Several months ago, I cooked Korean food for some of my American classmates. I asked my other Korean friends to give me recipes for several Korean dishes that are easy to make. At that time, I invited my American friends who
225 are not good cooks.
I: Do you feel obligated to cook for others?
P: I am not sure if I feel obligated or not. I wanted to introduce Korean food to my American classmates and wanted to get closer to them through sharing food, but Korean restaurants are too expensive for me, so I could not take them to Korean restaurants. If I were a good cook, it would be easier to introduce Korean food to my American classmates. Actually, I have made some progress in my cooking lately. My classmates who already graduated would not have a chance to try Korean food that I cook, but some classmates who are still in my program may have a chance to try my Korean dishes. When my department has events, students bring their dish to the events, and now, I can bring Koran dish to the event.
I: Do you think that your inability to cook Korean food and not having a private kitchen also made your American life difficult?
P: Yes. It was stressful that I did not have place to invite my church friend and I was not able to cook for my American classmates. But, now, I do not care about it as much as I used to be. But it bothered me a lot until recently.
I: What made you change your mind about it?
P: I realized that if I focus on that too much, I would stress myself out more.
I: So, you decided to accept your situation as it is?
P: Well, I will practice cooking during the summer break, so I could feel confident in cooking at least two to three kinds of Korean food. If I could cook, then I would be able to cook food for people who help me. I was hesitant to ask my classmates to proofread my paper because there was nothing I could do for them. I would improve my cooking so I could cook for my American classmates when they proofread my paper. It would be great if I could cook for people and eat meals together.
Sohee Interview #1 I: How long have you lived in America?
P: About four years.
226 I: Why did you decide to come to America?
P: My husband wanted to move back to America (Her husband is American).
I: Tell me about your American life.
P: My American life? It is both simple and complex.
I: What do you mean by simple and complex? In what ways American life is simple and in what ways it is complex?
P: I feel that American life revolves around family as Korean life is. That is what I mean by simple. The husband comes home after work and family members have dinner together. If the family has a baby, the husband plays with the baby while the wife is preparing for dinner. Life in America is based on a simple routine that is revolved around family. On the other hand, in order to keep the routine going, both American men and women are always busy. Figuring out things to fit into the routine can be complicated. For example, if both a husband and a wife have a job and they would send their child to a daycare; the wife drops off the child to day care in the morning and the husband goes to daycare in the afternoon to pick up the child to fit into both their work schedule and daycare schedule.
I: In what ways American life is complicated for you?
P: For example, when I was in Korea, managing money in the bank was simple and easy since I could use internet banking and use a bankbook to track all the transactions. There is a machine to print all the transactions in my bank account on my bankbook in every banking office in Korea. However, I found that banks in America do not provide a bankbook so I have to keep track of all the money that I spent from my bank account. It is complicated. Also, I noticed that it is relatively easy to get a loan in America, but I have to manage my credit history to have good credit, which will enable me to get a loan if it is necessary.
I: You feel that you have to manage and keep track of more things in America?
P: Yes. The American system appears to give more options to people, but it also expects people to work hard to keep their options to open (like maintaining good credit).
I: You mean that the American system gives you freedom, but also it expects you to be responsible to maintain your freedom?
227 P: Yes. Another example is that if parents do not take a good care of their children, American government can be involved in family matters. Parents can lose their right to raise their own children, and children can be sent to the foster family if parents do not fulfill their responsibility of taking good care of their children. In addition, if parents scold or hit their children for discipline, someone can report the parents for child abuse. Parents can be punished for punishing their children. I think that American government gives freedom to people, but also it enforces strict rules to control people. And I feel that American people take rules and regulations seriously. For example, I do not think Korean people take policemen as seriously as American. Korean people ignore policemen‘s authority.
I: Really?
P: Yes. I also think that Americans think highly of firemen as well. A fireman‘s career is not considered to be a good career in Korea. Koreans think that it is a job with high risk and a low salary. But in America, I think that firemen and policemen are well respected.
I: Why do you think Americans respect policemen and firemen more than Koreans?
P: I don‘t know. Maybe 911 provided Americans a chance to appreciate their hard work. In addition, it seems that Americans value careers that are related to providing services to the public and have appreciation for people in such careers. I feel that American policemen do not abuse their power and work hard to create a safe environment for people. American people are compliant to policemen‘s order, and it gives policemen more power and authority. I think that relationships between general public and people with authority in America are also simple and complex.
I: How are you affected by American life that is simple and complex?
P: It was really difficult to adjust to American life initially. I was tired of simple and monotonous life in America.
I: Simple and monotonous life?
P: Yes. I got bored with the everyday routine. In Korea, for example, I could go out to drink alcohol. I could look visibly drunk and threw up on the street, and it would not be a big deal. People on the street would simply assume that I must drink too much alcohol, but they would not think it was a problem. However, in America, you could be arrested if you look too drunk or throw up on the street. Here, I cannot have fun like I used to in Korea anymore. My life is
228 boring. I rarely encounter a situation where I can really enjoy myself.
I: You mean you rarely have a chance to get out of your routine?
P: Right. Even when I am under a lot of stress, I cannot go to a crowded bar and relax while drinking alcohol. Maybe it is due to cultural differences. Maybe Americans have fun in some other ways. My other Korean friends joke about going to Wal-Mart when they get bored with their life because there is no place to go other than Wal-Mart or Meijer when they want to get out of daily routine. Window shopping at the Wal-Mart is the thing to do when I have spare time.
I: So you experience life in America as boring.
P: Initially. But now, I got used to the boring and simple life style in America. It is like when Americans or people from other countries come to Korea for the first time, initially they are not sure if they can survive in fast-paced lifestyle and crowded space in Korea. However, eventually, they get used to the busy and exciting life style in Korea. When I was in Korea, I never thought that I would come to America and work as a waitress. As you know, most of Korean women would not prefer to work at a restaurant to serve food. However, I feel that Americans do not look down on waitresses as Koreans do. I: Do you feel that Americans and Koreans perceive waitresses differently?
P: Yes. Waitress jobs are considered to be one of the service jobs in America. A waitress provides service to customers and the customers pay tips for the service. However, Korean culture does not have the concept of ―paying tips‖ for the service. Even American family restaurant in Korea such as TGI Friday charge 10% tips in the receipt automatically (since Korean people would not pay tips). However, paying tips for the service is a part of American culture and life. It took me a while to get used to the ―tip culture‖. I think that tips affect perception of waitress job between Korean and American culture.
I: How did you experience waitress job initially?
P: Initially… I was scared. I was scared because at that time, I was not confident in my English. I was not sure what would be the right way to ask questions to customers. I think that there are differences in asking questions in Korean and English.
I: What do you mean by that?
229 P: The Korean way of asking questions is less direct than that of English. For example, In English, the waitress usually asks ―Does the food taste good/ bad?‖ but in Korean, the waitress would ask ―does the food suit to your taste?‖
I: So Korean waitress would ask questions indirectly.
P: Yes. Korean people would also respond to questions indirectly. They would say ―it is okay‖, which means ―it tastes good‖. Some Korean might say ―it is too sweet‖ or ―it is too salty‖ or ―There are no side dishes that I would try‖. When I ask ―how‘s everything‖ to Americans, they usually say directly and honestly such as ―good‖, ―I like it‖, ―I love it‖, ―I don‘t like it‖, or ―I like the sauce but I don‘t like the texture‖. Americans also say clearly about whether they would continue to eat their dish or return the dish. However, Koreans complain about their dish, but they finish it without returning it.
I: You mean Korean people in America?
P: Yes. Some Korean customers who came to the restaurant that I worked in complain about the food a lot. I think they do that because they can speak in Korean with me. With American customers, I felt intimidated to talk to them initially. Actually, talking to Americans was intimidating in other settings as well. Even when I was a customer at a restaurant or a grocery store, I was anxious about the possibility of them asking questions that I may not understand. It would be really embarrassing if I could not respond to their questions. Initially, imagining all these potentially embarrassing situations made my job really difficult. Before I started to work at a restaurant, I wrote down all the questions that I could think of that customers might ask and generated all the possible answers for each question. Then, I memorized all of them. But, if a customer asks me a question that I have never thought about, I had difficulty responding to the question. Sometimes I said nonsense stuff sometimes I misunderstood the question, and sometimes, although I knew the answer, I could not say what I knew because I did not understand their question. When I got nervous or embarrassed, I also messed up my answer. Initially, I made a lot of mistakes because I did not feel comfortable, but I became more comfortable after working at a restaurant about one year. I developed more realistic expectations on my work by giving up perfectionism. I also learned that in America, it is important to say ―no‖. It is another difference between Korean and American culture. In Korea, you always have to say ―yes‖ in order to be polite.
I: How did you learn the differences?
P: For example, when Korean people look for a condominium to buy, they only give a vague
230 description of the condominium to their realtor such as ―I want the condominium that is warm and has plenty of sunlight‖. When they go to see the condominium, they always say only positive things and never mention about what they don‘t like about the place. I do not think it needs to be that way anymore. Back home (Korea), people only give positive feedback in front of the seller and they talk about their real opinion such as ―I do not like the place‖ or ―That place is in need of a lot of repair‖ when they are not with the seller.
I: So, Korean people do not say everything that they think.
P: Yes. As you know, Korean people dislike hearing negative feedback. But I have noticed that American people are not hesitant to provide negative feedback. They say honestly what they think when they go shopping or they look for a house such as ―I like the color, but I don‘t like the material‖. It seems that telling their honest opinion to the seller brings more option for them such as seller saying, ―So you like the color. Would you like to see other model? How about other material?‖ I realized that if I always say ―yes‖ Americans think I genuinely like everything. So they may not understand if I complain about the product later. But Korean people always say, ―everything is good‖ in front of the seller, and they only tell the truth, especially if they did not like the product, behind the seller‘s back. I think that is one of the cultural differences between Korea and America.
I: Why do you think there are such cultural differences?
P: I Don‘t Know. I think Koreans do not want other people to see their weaknesses or problems. They only want to show the aspects of themselves that they think are positive and expect others to see only good things about them. But, when Korean people talk about other people behind their back, they always talk about positives and negatives about them such as she/he is a good looking and has good personality, but he/she is not good at such and such. When people meet a new person, Americans just say ―it is really nice to meet you‖, but Koreans feel pressure to say their impression of the other person such as ―you are so pretty‖, ―It seems that you are a nice person‖, ―you are handsome‖ or ―you are charming‖. Even when Koreans see their friends‘ daughter-in-law or children, they feel pressure to make some comments about them.
I: So you feel that Koreans feel pressure to say some positive thing about the other person when they meet for the first time?
P: Yes. Although Americans also like sweet talk, I don‘t think they feel pressure to say positive things about the other person unless they really mean it.
231 I: You said several differences that you experienced between Korean and American culture. In what ways have the differences that you have experienced between two cultures affected your adjustment in America?
P: I have lived in the Korean way, practiced Korean etiquette and followed Korean values for the last 30 years before I came to America. When I came to America, I realized that it is really difficult to practice Korean etiquette because I did not know how to express what is in my mind to the other person in English. Sometimes I was quiet when I was with Americans because I did not know how to say what was in my mind that will be appropriate according to the Korean standard.
I: Could you give me some examples for that?
P: For example, when Korean people give a gift to another person, they always say ―it is not much‖, or ―I wish I could give you more‖. It is Korean people‘s way of giving a gift and they express their desire to give more to the other person by saying that.
I: So you want to express your thoughts in a Korean way to Americans?
P: Well… I don‘t think that I wanted express my thoughts in a Korean way. However, since I am used to saying things in the Korean way, I automatically try to say my feelings or thoughts in Korean style. It feels right to me. However, I noticed that American people do not feel the same way. Unlike Korean people who think that a gift should be something nice and expensive, American people appear to appreciate even a neatly wrapped small gift or home baked cake. I am not sure if they sincerely appreciate a small gift or like the taste of the home baked cake. I am not sure if they expected a small gift or home backed cake, but at least when I gave such a gift to them, they looked happy. I had lived in Korea for 30 years and I have lived in America for the last four years. Sometimes feel confused about my identity, I feel that I am not totally Korean anymore although I still heavily influenced by Korean culture and I cannot be American either. Because of that, I struggle with expressing my feelings or thoughts to Americans. I know that I do not have to buy a gift for them (Americans), but it does not feel right to not buy a gift.
I: You feel that you have to express your gratitude toward Americans in the Korean style (buying a gift)?
P: Yes. It (Korean style) feels nicer to me. However, I know that I do not have to express my feelings or thoughts in the Korean way. As you know, Korean language has a lot of adjectives
232 and there are many different ways to describe your thoughts or feelings. So I can use euphemistic expressions or convey my message more smoothly when I communicate with other people in Korean if I want to do it, but in English, I do not feel that I need to do that. I think English is more direct language. American people state more clearly about like or dislike and yes or no. When I give a gift to an American, I just need to say, ―This is for you‖, but when I give a gift to a Korean, I feel a need to say ―this is not much.‖ Although I am spending my money to buy the gift, I feel that my gift is not good enough and feel bad about not buying a better gift. I was so used to feeling this way and it was not easy to change this attitude about giving a gift just because I am in America.
I: How about now?
P: I try to change my attitude.
I: Why do you have to change?
P: I feel that since I am in America, it would be easier to follow the American style. I would have an easier life that way.
I: Why would it make your life easier?
P: Considering both cultural practices makes me feel stupid. Go back to the gift example, if I have given enough thought on buying the gift by going to many different stores, comparing prices and thinking about the person‘s taste, it would be easier to give the gift to the person without worrying about whether the person would like it or not. Also, a ―gift receipt‖ is another American thing. With the gift receipt, people can exchange the gift that they receive with other things, and it is not considered to be rude or impolite. However, if I exchange the gift that I receive from Korean people, they may interpret that as I do not like their gift and may feel hurt by it. I think Koreans are very sensitive about rejection, and when others do not like their choice, they feel extremely displeased. I do not think Americans mind others having different preferences. I don‘t feel a need to apply my Korean ways of understanding people when I try to understand Americans. It is easier for me to follow the American style.
I: You feel more comfortable with the American style?
P: Comfortable? Yes, I have gotten more comfortable practicing the American style. When I offer something to others, I do not expect something in return. If I want to be nice to others, I would do something for them. I do not think they would take what I offer if they do not like it
233 since Americans are good at expressing their likes and dislikes. I think when Americans develop relationships, they are cautious and sincere, express their preference precisely, and set clear boundaries. I like when they set clear boundaries. It makes me feel more comfortable.
I: Do you think that there are some differences in interpersonal relationships between Americans and Koreans?
P: Yes.
I: What differences have you experienced?
P: Well… let me think.
I: Who have you developed relationships with in America?
P: Mostly Korean. I have a few American friends as well. I do not have many Korean friends either. I usually have small numbers of friends who I develop deep relationships with. Maybe that is the reason why I feel that my friends are an extension of my family. Especially in America, since most of my Korean friends are far away from their own extended family, we feel even closer. I know more about my Korean friends‘ life and even household stuffs in America than that of my friends in Korea. I would not get this close to my married friends in Korea. We get close to the point that we even know the number of silverwares in each other‘s house (―the number of silverwares…‖ is a Korean expression). We attach to each other and share core parts of each other more (than friends in Korea).
I: You mean your relationships with Korean friends in America and Korean friends in Korea are different?
P: Yes. I feel close to my Korean friends in America to the point that I feel they are my family. In Korea, I rarely have a chance to see my friends‘ husbands and unless I am really close to my friend, and I would rarely spend time with my friend‘s family. In America, it seems that wife and husband have a more equal relationship than that in Korea. Both wife and husband are far away from Korea, and they only have each other in a foreign country. It makes them get closer, and like American couples, Korean couples in America have an equal relationship instead of having a hierarchical relationship. Since husband and wife are close, they get together with their friends as couples more often.
234 I: So you meet with your friends‘ family more often in America?
P: Unlike Korea where men usually socialize with other men at a bar drinking alcohol, in America, Koreans usually socialize as couples. That is another reason why I feel closer and intimate with my Korean friends in America once we develop close relationships. I know not only my friends but also their family. However, I have noticed that with my American friends, I do not feel that our relationships deepen as we spend more time.
I: what do you mean by that?
P: I did not feel uncomfortable the first time I met them. They (American friends) made me feel comfortable. Probably when they meet a new person, they try to make them feel comfortable. However, I do not experience any changes in relationships no matter how many times I see them. I do not feel that we get closer to each other or we care about each other more as we spend more time with each other.
I: You always experience them the same way as the first time?
P: Yes. With Korean friends, if I did not call them often, I miss them and feel curious about how they are doing. I also feel bad about not calling them more often. But with American friends, I do not experience any of these. No matter how many times I talk to them on the phone, it feels always the same to me.
I: You do not feel that your relationships have deepened with your American friends?
P: No. I do not feel that they care whether I call them or not. Maybe this only applies to my American friends, but I feel that way.
I: Why do you think there are differences in the way you experience your American friends and Korean friends?
P: I am not sure. Maybe it is my problem. Maybe I did not make them feel comfortable with me. Maybe I assumed that I cannot share my feelings or core parts with them because they are American.
I: Do you experience some limitations with American friends?
P: I think so.
235 I: Why?
P: I feel that I may bother them. For example, if my American friend has a baby, she is very strict about the baby‘s routine. She follows her baby‘s routine strictly hour by hour, and if baby needs to go to bed by 7, everybody including her husband needs to be at home by 7, and they would not go outside after 7.
I: So you don‘t want to interrupt their routine?
P: Yes. Koreans do not enforce as strict a routine as Americans. If I ask Korean friends to visit us after dinner to have beers, they would just bring their kids to my place and would not care about breaking their children‘s routine much. But I feel Americans stick to their routine strictly especially if they have children.
I: So children‘s routine is the most important thing for Americans?
P: My American friends socialize with others based on their own routine. They are very precise about their routine. If they are in a situation that does not allow answering the phone, they always tell me about the situation. If I make an appointment with my friend‘s family to have dinner, they honestly tell me that they need to go somewhere nearby so they can go home before their child‘s bedtime. Then, they leave right after dinner.
I: So they would not make any exception.
P: Yes. They really care about their family routine. At least my American friends are that way. I think that a husband could go out to have couple of drinks with friends after their baby goes to bed, but it seems that it is not acceptable. Their life revolves around their children‘s schedule. When I ask my American friends if it is okay to stop by their place, they always let me know what they have to do that day such as by what time their child has to go somewhere and/or by what time they have to be at home. They are very precise about their schedule so I do not feel comfortable calling them just because I want to talk to them. They are not available for me when I want to see them or talk with them.
I: Do you feel your American friends put more value on following their routine than their relationship with you?
P: I did not want to bother their routine.
236 I: So you are more careful with them because you do not want to bother their routine?
P: Yes. I make a conscious effort not to bother their routine. So I do not call them often and I experience psychological distance from them.
I: With your Korean friends, can you stop by their place at any time?
P: Yes. It is convenient.
I: Can you call them at any time as well?
P: Yes. Some Korean friends might be similar to my American friends, but I do not need to spend time with them. Since I have more Korean friends than American friends, I can always find some Korean friends who I feel comfortable spending time with. Maybe my experiences have something to do with me not having a child yet. Maybe I do not fully understand or have a skewed perception of the life of my friends who have children.
I: Do you feel that there are differences between your Korean and American friends who have children?
P: I feel more comfortable with Korean friends. Even with my Korean friends who do not have a child, I respect their family life. I usually leave their home before their husband comes home in the evening, or when they visit me, I encourage them to go home to fix dinner for their husband. However, my Korean friends do not follow a routine or plan for the day strictly.
I: So you do not have to worry about bothering your Korean friends‘ routine?
P: I do not need to worry about our relationships at all. I feel comfortable calling them whenever I want to and I always feel welcomed by my Korean friends.
Interview #2 I: What kind of changes have you experienced since you came to America?
P: Changes?
I: Changes in your life style or worldview.
P: The biggest change I can think of right now is my appearance.
237 I: What do you mean?
P: When I was in Korea, I thought wearing make up is a really important thing. I have never thought about seeing other person without wearing make up. When I left my place, even when I went to a grocery market, I wore make up.
I: Why was wearing make up that important to you when you were in Korea?
P: I am not sure. Probably one of the reasons was that I had no confidence in my appearance. Also, I heard about some positive effects of wearing make up such as improving productivity. I was so used to wearing make up for years, that I did not feel comfortable with my bare face. Before I got married, I worried that my husband might run away if he saw my bare face. Now, I feel more comfortable with my appearance.
I: What made you feel more comfortable with your bare face?
P: By watching others. I found others do not wear make up as well. Especially Americans do not seem to care much about wearing make up. I also found that since I came to America, I did not feel a need to buy new clothes every season to keep up with trends. Korean women keep up with trends diligently, and they change their make up according to the trend as well. Because I had an office job in Korea, I could observe changes in the trend immediately through watching my co-workers. I have noticed that there are many over weight people in America, and (unlike over weight people in Korea) they wear what they want to wear. Many people in America do not wear make up and wear jeans (means that they wear casual clothes). They look more natural to me. They wear flip-flops everywhere and people do not seem to care about it. Sometimes I feel that I did not have to wear heavy make up in America. I did not think that way in Korea, so it is a change. Also I spend less money in America because of the differences in the credit card system between Korea and America. In Korea, you get a new maximum credit line every month. So if my monthly maximum is $1000, I can spend up to $1000 every month regardless of how much I pay off from the past month‘s credit card bill. But in America, if the maximum credit line for your credit card is $1000 and you spend $1000 this month, you cannot use your credit card next month unless you pay off some money that you spent this month. A Korean credit card has a lot of other options such as no interest for the credit card expense for three months. When I was in Korea, I had more flexibility to spend money since I could spend more money using my credit card. Koreans feel less need to plan their budget than Americans because their last month credit card balance does not affect this month‘s credit line. Koreans end up spending more money than they can pay off because the way Korean credit card works. Maybe that is the reason why
238 credit delinquents have increased so fast in Korea.
I: So you can spend unlimited money using your credit card in Korea if you want to.
P: Yes. As long as you pay off your credit card balance eventually, you have no problem with the legal system in Korea. I did not need to budget my expenses strictly since this month‘s credit card expense would not affect next month‘s credit card availability. But in America, I always have to figure out my budget to prepare for unexpected expenses in the future. So I have changed my way of managing money since I came to America.
I: So you try to spend less money?
P: I spend money more thoughtfully.
I: You mean you pay attention to your budget and available money?
P: It seems that there are various ways to buy things in America. Of course wealthy people have no problem buying stuff at regular price, but even people without a lot of money can buy things that they need through sales or clearance. Americans have a positive attitude toward buying things on sale, and stores are willing to sell their stuff with bargain prices if it was not sold out at the regular price. It is easy to see clothes on sale more than 70% off. Consumers can buy the same goods with different prices and it is entirely their choice. It seems that Americans use discount stores such as TJ Maxx and buy goods that have been out for a while with discount prices unless they absolutely have to buy goods that just came out.
I: How about Koreans in Korea?
P: I do not think there are many discount stores in Korea.
I: Why do you think there are not many discount stores in Korea?
P: I think Koreans do not perceive discount stores like Americans.
I: What do you mean?
P: Korean stores rarely sell their goods 50% to 70% off the regular price. Most of the department stores offer up to 50% off when they have a bargain sale. Many places in Korea do not offer clearance sales. But in America, clearance or bargain sales are very common.
239 I: So you think it is because there are differences in consuming money between Koreans and Americans?
P: Americans are more open-minded when it comes to spending money, but in a way, there are fewer options in buying products in America. For example, Korean department stores have several dozens of stores on each floor and each small store has several salesmen (usually Korean department stores are five to six story buildings.) There are so many choices whether I buy casual or formal clothes. I don‘t think I have that many options to buy different brand/design clothes in America. However, people are more open to buy clothes in different settings.
I: You mean they do not care about buying goods on sale.
P: Yes, they are okay with buying things in the clearance rack.
I: Do you think Koreans do not like goods on sale?
P: In Korea, sometimes goods with the regular price and the sale price are different. Especially clothes on sale are sometimes produced separately, and their quality is not as good as clothes with regular price.
I: What kind of product did you buy in Korea?
P: Even when I was in Korea, I did not buy clothes with regular price. I always bought clothes on sale. Also, one of my friends had a clothing shop, so I bought clothes from her shop as well. I used to buy off-brand stuffs that imitated brand name stuffs.
I: How about in America?
P: Since I came to America, I do not recall buying clothes because I really like it. I consider price and necessity more when I shop in America, and if the product fits in my budget range, I buy it. As you know, Americans do not dress up as often as Koreans do. So I do not pay attention to fashion trends or care about wearing fancy clothes as much as I used to in Korea. When I dressed up like I did in Korea and went out, people gave me a strange look.
I: How would you compare your shopping style in America with that in Korea?
P: I spend less money in America shopping for clothes because clothes in America are
240 cheaper than in Korea, and there are more clothes on sale in America. In addition, I do not feel the need to buy clothes every season to follow the trend. It seems that Americans do not care about how other people spend their money. If they have money, they spend their money in their way, and if they have too much money, they would donate money to the society. Some people say a few wise men lead America and I agree with it.
I: How come?
P: A few wealthy Americans donate 70-80% of their assets to the society, but other Americans do not make heroes of the wealthy people who donate significant amount of money to the society. Americans think that it is the right thing for the rich to return their money to the society since the society helped them build their wealth. But they do not admire the rich just because the rich donate their money to the society. Such way of thinking is different from that of Koreans.
I: How would Koreans view such action?
P: Koreans would admire them. The majority of the wealthy people in Korea do not donate their money to the society. Have you heard of CEO Lee (the head of the Samsung) return his wealth to the society? The Lee family was only interested in figuring out ways to will their assets to their children without paying inheritance tax. How about CEO Jung (the head of the Hyundai)? I have never heard that the Jung family donated their money to Korean society. But I heard many people among top ten richest people in America, including Bill Gates, donated their money. Oprah Winfrey also donated her money to the society. I think that the donation culture increases the flexibility of American culture. Another thing that surprised me in America was that there are so many options that accommodate the need of the poor. Low income people can apply for the WIC (Women, infant, and children) program or get a discount for gas and electricity. Suppose my household income qualified as low income in Korea, would I report my financial situation to get the benefit for low income families? Would I try to receive help from the government? I don‘t think I would do that because it would hurt my pride. But Koreans in America try to receive all the possible benefits for low income family if they are qualified for that.
I: Why do you think Koreans change their attitude?
P: I am not sure. Koreans are usually very conscious about how others would perceive them, so saving face or driving a fancy car is important. They are also concerned about their appearance. One of the examples for that is Koreans‘ desire to buy a car although they do not
241 even own their own house (Since Korea has a well developed public transportation system, Koreans do not have to own a car for transportation like America). Koreans think it is nonsense that many families own more than one car in such a small country, but they do it anyway. Also, Koreans are interested in how other people invest money to increase their assets and put emphasis on living in an expensive house. Koreans pretend that they have more things than they actually have, so others would not look down on them.
I: How about Americans?
P: I do not think they care about how others perceive them.
I: How does it affect you?
P: I have never even considered a possibility of applying for the WIC program. Probably I am still holding onto the Korean cultural attitude in this regard. I would not apply for WIC even if my husband‘s income is low and I have no income. Since Americans do not care about how others would perceive them when they buy things, wealthy people would spend money as they want to without thinking about how others would think of them. Thus, I see a lot of fancy cars and nice houses, and it makes me dream about having nice things someday. That is the reason why I am willing to work at a restaurant. When I was in Korea, I had never imagined that I would be a waitress working at a Korean restaurant in America someday. I know how other Koreans think of me. I can feel how much Korean customers look down on waitresses who work at a Korean restaurant through their behaviors. However, I do not feel disrespected by Americans. It seems that they consider serving tables as an important job. So when they leave after the meal, they leave tips for the service. If I only serve Koreans at my job, I probably would not work at a restaurant. There were so many times that I wanted to quit my job because I felt bothered by the way Korean customers treated me or felt hurt by things that they said. But American customers do not care about what kind of car I drive or where I live. I also have developed a desire to have a more stable life since I came to America. I think America is a country where anyone can live a comfortable life if they work hard. I do not have to buy a specific size condominium in a specific location like my Korean friends in Korea. I do not have to pay $1200 for mortgage interest in order to live in a condominium in a nice location (usually nice location in Korea means a good school district).
I: You mean you feel that you have more options in America?
P: I feel more at ease in America. I discovered new options that I have never considered to be options for me, which is the lesson from living in America.
242 I: Have you ever experienced some confusion about your Korean values or beliefs since you came to America?
P: What do you mean?
I: Have you ever encountered a situation in America that cannot be explained by your worldviews or ways of thinking?
P: Well… This experience is not really about my values or worldview. Since my husband is American, he does pretty much everything for me outside of my house. The only things I do are housework and working at my job. My husband informs me of everything about other household stuffs and his work, but he takes care of everything. Right after I came to America, I noticed that my experience of going to the grocery store differed depending on whether I went there alone or with him.
I: Could you explain it more?
P: It can be the problem with my own interpretation or it can be the problem with the specific cashier. When I go grocery shopping with my husband, I feel that people treat me more nicely. But when I go grocery shopping alone, people treat me bluntly. It can be their habit, but some people threw the change. They could hand the change to me, but they threw the change on the counter. They were acting like if I wanted the change I should collect it from the counter. Maybe they threw money because it was a small amount of money. Even when they handed me bills for the change, they threw it instead of putting it on the counter. I wondered about why they did that to me. Was it because I was alone? Was it because I am an Asian? Did they do that because I have brown eyes and yellow skin? I tried to figure out why they did that to me, but I decided to believe that it was about their personality. Even when I went to the public service offices, some people were mean to me. Other than that I do not think that I had a lot of challenging experiences.
I: Any other situations that you could not understand?
P: I am not sure if this situation would be the kind of situation that you are talking about. Every family in America has their own culture like every family in other cultures. So I am not sure if this only applies to my in-laws‘ family. As you know, Korean women have a lot of obligations to their in-laws once they get married. The husband‘s family members can visit them anytime, or they have meals with their in-laws often. It is common for their in-laws to visit and stay with them overnight. But my parent-in-laws have never stayed in my place
243 overnight. Even when they came to visit us in Korea, they stayed at a hotel. I could not understand that. I could not understand why they stayed at a hotel although their child has a house in the city.
I: Do they stay at a hotel when they come to visit you?
P: They came to visit us once. At that time, they had an early dinner and drove back to their place that night. My brother-in-law comes in town for his work at times, but he does not call us to let us know that he is in town. He comes for work and leaves once his work is done without calling us.
I: You cannot understand that kind of situation?
P: I cannot understand. They may do that because they do not want to bother us, but I still cannot understand.
I: If you visit Columbus where do you stay?
P: I always stay at my parent-in-laws‘ place (laugh).
I: It is okay with them?
P: I wondered about it before. I thought maybe it was not okay. But, my parent-in-laws kept telling us to stay with them when we visit Columbus. So now, when we go to Columbus, they assume that we will stay overnight in their place. Since I have two parent-in-laws, my mother-in-law and father-in-law/step-mother-in-law, we take turns between mother-in-law‘s place and father-in-law‘s place to stay. Sometimes I worry that if I stay with one of the parent-in-law, the other parent-in-law might be displeased. Anyway, I also found that when one of my husband‘s relatives came to my in-law‘s city for traveling, they did not stay with my in-laws. It was strange to me. Another thing that I found interesting was that Americans send various cards to people often. So many kinds of cards are sold for different special occasions such as birthday or Christmas. I found that when Americans send a card, they choose a card that contains a message that reflects what they want to say and just sign their name. They could buy a card that the inside is blank and write whatever message they want to say to the other person, but I rarely saw an American who actually writes a message in the card.
I: How about you?
244 P: I rarely sent cards to others when I was in Korea. A Christmas card probably was the only card I usually sent. But I found that exchanging cards is a part of American culture, so I try to write a card as often as I can. I learned that, even at a baby shower, Americans write down a list of people who come to the shower and send thank you cards to everyone who attend the shower. I have never seen something like that in Korea. Koreans usually make phone calls to people who come to their party to express their appreciation to guests attending their party. As I am saying this, I remember one thank you card that I need to send. Anyway, I think that thank you card can show the sincere appreciation of the sender, but it can be considered just a formality. Some people do not even send a thank you card. To me, the most interest thing was that Americans pick the card that already has a ready written message and they only write their name below the message.
I: Do you write cards like other Koreas do (writing one‘s own message)?
P: No. I do not write a message in the card because writing in English is still difficult to me. I still think in Korean and try to translate my Korean thinking into English. It is difficult. When I write in Korean, I would use a lot of descriptive words and euphemism like other Koreans do. But in English, if I want to express my appreciation, I simply write ―Thank you.‖
I: You mean your English writing is more direct?
P: Yes. That kind of difference is still difficult for me (She means that she tries to write in English the way she writes in Korean. But since she thinks that the two languages have different ways of writing the same message-Korean, verbose and indirect vs. English, simple and direct-, it is difficult for her to be stuck in between two different writing styles.) So I just pick the card (that already has written message) and write we love you or we miss you and write mine and my husband‘s name. It is another change that I have experienced. I learn about American culture one at a time.
I: Learn about different life styles?
P: Yes.
I: What helped in your adjustment in America and what made your adjustment in America difficult?
P: English was the most difficult challenge in my American life. My husband likes comedy programs since he is a native speaker. Often times when I watch comedy programs with him,
245 he is laughing real hard, but I cannot understand why it is so funny. I cannot understand it because I cannot understand English. Difficulties with English make my adjustment to American culture and American life difficult. Because I am not confident in my English, for example, now, we are thinking about moving, but I cannot disconnect and reconnect internet or transfer my account. But I could do that in Korea since I can communicate in Korean fine. In America, I don‘t do anything although I want to try. I don‘t have courage to try. Maybe it is because of my personality. Before I try, I worry about the possibilities like what if I could not come up with the right words to say, what if I cannot say things that I want to say so just say ―sorry‖ and hang up.
I: Do you fear speaking in English?
P: Also, I have not really decided what kind of career I would pursue in America yet, but I need to speak better English for any future career. Although I want to improve my English, I have not been putting a lot of efforts to improve it. If I feel more comfortable speaking or understanding in English, I may be able to be more actively involved in everyday life in America. But it is difficult. So difficulties with language negatively affect my adjustment in America, and I am hesitant to pursue what I want to do. Of course, I feel more comfortable with English now than several years ago when I just came to America, but still language barrier inconveniences my life big time.
I: What helped your adjustment to America?
P: Having a job helped my adjustment. When I started to work, I worried about my language skills. So I generated potential questions for customers and memorized all of them. But, if customers responded to my questions with a word that I did not know or a sentence that I was not used to hearing, I could not understand their answer. It was difficult for me for a while. I was anxious about the possibility of making a mistake. But after a while, I got used to my job, and through speaking at least few sentences in English everyday, I became more comfortable with English although I cannot say I am confident in speaking in English. Since I am more accustomed to speaking in English, I feel more comfortable going to grocery stores or restaurants without my husband. I used to feel nervous about going to a restaurant without accompanying someone who can speak good English like my husband. I was anxious about the possibility of misinterpreting what a waitress says to me or ordering a wrong food by mistake. Sometimes I left restaurant without eating what I wanted to eat. Maybe it was unnecessary nervousness. But after I started to work, although I felt nervous talking to customers in English, I could speak in Korean with other waitress at a restaurant to comfort myself. Actually working at a restaurant with other Koreans was helpful as well. Had I not
246 worked, I would be the same as four years ago. My job makes me confront things that I do not want to confront (like speaking in English) to fulfill my responsibility. By exposing myself to things that I would not do voluntarily, I gradually gain more confidence. It helped me adjust in America.
I: Your husband is American. Does it affect your life in America?
P: It gives me emotional security. Sometimes I contemplate on these kind of things. Like I said before, I am not confident in English yet although I am getting used to English. I got an operation few weeks ago. In the process of getting the surgery and being discharged from the hospital, I got a lot of phone calls from the hospital to discuss insurance and hospital bills. When I was looking for an apartment, there were a lot of things that I wanted to ask, and when I was looking for a car to buy, I had to negotiate with an American seller. Sometimes I think about foreigners who come to America for the first time and cannot speak good English yet. Although their English is poor, they have to take care of all these things by themselves like looking for a place to stay and buying a car to drive. How difficult and frustrating it would be. It would also hurt their pride as well. My husband takes care of everything for me unconditionally just because I am his wife. But it would be really difficult for foreigners living in a foreign country where they have to learn to speak in a foreign language. My life in American was relatively easy because my husband is an American. He is reliable. On the other hand, I sometimes question why I have to live in a foreign country and experience all of these difficulties. Why didn‘t we stay in Korea like the time we met and married? He did not have many difficulties living in Korea although he is American. But since I had difficulties adjusting to American life, I regret deciding to come to America. Sometimes my husband does not understand when I express my experience of body ache because he is American. I say ―my whole body is aching‖ (she said this to her husband in Korean), but my husband does not understand what that means in Korean. When I feel sick, I want to have a bowl of hot Korean soup. I have no one in America who can cook hot Korean soup for me since my husband cannot cook hot Korean soup and my Mom is not in America. If he were Korean, he could look up the Korean cookbook and cook Korean soup, but he can only cook Mac & Cheese or other American dishes for me. When I drink excessive alcohol, I want to have spicy bean sprout soup to relieve the hangover next morning, but Americans have cheesy pizza to relieve the hangover. Those kinds of things are too different.
I: You experience cultural differences around food?
P: Yes. Sometimes when we eat, we want to eat different food, such as I want to have a cold noodle dish but he wants to have pasta, so I end up cooking two different dishes. I cook a
247 Korean dish for me and cook an American dish for my husband. He is an American so he prefers American food. So we spend twice as much money on grocery shopping to buy both American and Korean groceries. I cannot find food that he wants to eat in the Korean grocery, so I have to go to both Korean and American grocery stores. Even if I buy a minimum amount of everything, I end up buying more than we need. We spend more money on groceries than other households with two family members. I have to admit that I do not pay close attention to save expenses. All of these stuff with my husband sometimes make my life more complicated, sometimes bother me, sometimes comfort me, and sometimes make me nervous. Well… probably other people also experience similar things.
Interview #3 (several months later) I: Which language do you usually use when you speak with your husband?
P: About forty percent in Korean and sixty percent in English.
I: How does your husband ability to speak in Korean affect your life in America?
P: It is both positive and negative. First of all, it comforts me. Although I cannot speak good English and cannot communicate all of my thoughts in English, I can always attempt to explain things to my husband in Korean. But it can be a negative for me as well. If he did not understand Korean at all, I would be forced to speak in English all the time and probably put more effort into leaning English. Although my English has improved a lot, my English is not drastically different from nine years ago, the first time I met my husband.
I: Which language did you speak when you talked to your husband nine years ago?
P: Well… actually… compared to nine years ago, my English has improved a lot. At that time, we used about 80 % English and 20% Korean. At that time, I always carried an electronic dictionary.
I: Are there any differences in your communication style depending on the language you use?
P: My way of talking differs depending on which language I speak. When I speak in Korean, I can use more gentle and polite expressions. So I can be more polite and indirect in Korean, but when I speak in English, I tend to use more direct expressions and the way I communicate does not reflect my real personality, the personality that I consider who I am as a Korean. When I speak in Korean, I can fully express the kind of person I am, but when I speak in English, I can only express myself about 50 to 70%.
248 I: What aspect of yourself is difficult to express in English?
P: Korean language has a lot of adjectives and descriptive expressions and I can use them as much as I want when I speak in Korean, but I only know limited English vocabulary and it limits my ability to say things in a more refined way. For example, if I am upset, I can only express my feelings in an extreme way in English.
I: So you experience some limits in your ability to express your feelings accurately?
P: That would be the summery of my experience. In addition, I cannot make a joke in English. I have spoken in English only for about nine years. I am 35 years old, but I talk like a nine or eight years old when I speak in English. My English expressions are like that age child.
I: How does it affect your perception on yourself?
P: First of all, I talk less and less, especially when I am not at home. I became a quiet and shy person, whether I am at school or I am with my in-laws. When I go out with my husband, I cannot do anything without him. Especially when we spend time with his friends or my in- laws, I desperately need him. If I am not with my husband, I feel nervous and I do not feel comfortable talking since I do not have confidence in English. Because my husband can speak in Korean, he helps me talk about things that I want to say. He says things that I want to tell others for me and I add more details here and there. It is a big improvement compare to five years ago, the first time I came to America.
I: Do you think your struggles with English have had some impact on your personality?
P: I am not really extroverted by nature. But, I have never been as timid as now. Since I came to America, I have become more timid. Especially when I am in a situation that I have to talk, I am even more timid. I am kind of perfectionist by nature. So if I cannot formulate a perfect sentence, I do not say anything at all. One of the teachers at my school always calls out a student‘s name in class to ask questions. His class runs for four hours and I always feel tense throughout his class. It would be really embarrassing if I don‘t know the answer for his question, but it would be even more embarrassing if I could not understand his question. When people talk, they usually use colloquial expressions, which I have more difficulty understanding. So, sometimes I guessed what the question was based on what other students responded to the question. I do not want others to know what I don‘t know. When a teacher asks me a question, sometimes my mind goes blank. I am a timorous person to begin with, so it is difficult to be in a situation that forces me to expose myself to others. I hate that class.
249 Even when I was in Korea, I have never raised my hand in class. So I was already timid, but I became more timid in America.
I: Do you think your timidity affects your interpersonal relationships in America?
P: Yes. I have to develop relationships with Americans in America. In order to do that I not only say hi to them but also have to exchange jokes with them and have meals with them. But, it is not easy to respond to their jokes and to ask questions to them. For me, it is easier to respond to their questions about me. I also experience some limits in developing relationships with others. People cannot always be serious when they spend time together. You need to say funny things at times. It is easier to be funny around Koreans, but it is difficult to be funny when I speak in English. I think it limits my relationship with other Americans.
I: When do you find it is easier to make friends with Americans? How did you make your American friends?
P: Usually, my American friends try to understand me. This one particular friend acknowledges that I am a foreigner. So when she is talking with me, she always makes sure that I understand what she is talking about. She asks me if I understand everything and explains things that I don‘t understand. My other friend at school is biracial. Her father came from South America when he was young and married to her mother who is American. She looks Hispanic but she acts and thinks like American. She speaks in Spanish at home, but she does not want to speak in Spanish in public. She feels that her speaking in Spanish disadvantages her. She does not speak in Spanish even if she has a Hispanic client (At the time I did the third interview, the interviewee was attending a beauty academy). She was the one who had the most problem with my English. Whenever she does not understand what I say, she does not hesitate to tell me that she did not understand. She always makes me remember my poor English and accept my difficulties with English. So I tried to stay away from her initially, but now, we have a good relationship.
I: How did you get close to her?
P: She approached to me.
I: Although she always made issues with your English?
P: Yes. She was honest about not understanding my English, but it seemed that she never thought that it could hurt my pride. Although she invites me to different social events, I never
250 go. Since she is single and I am married, we have different life styles, so we do not have a lot of things to share. Sometimes I think that we misunderstand each other. It is possible that she expresses things in an American way, but I interpret her in a Korean way. One time, she invited me to go to a pet store. I have never had a pet in my life so I do not know much about pets. I saw a litter box at the store and told her that it is fancy. She responded to me, ―Right, your culture does not rear cats. Your culture eats cats‖. Her comment made me upset. So I responded, ―Am I Chinese? Only Chinese eat cats‖. She apologized and said that she was mean to me. On the first day of school, nobody sat by me. Other people in class started to talk to each other immediately, and I was sitting quietly alone. The other friend I talked about, she came late to school that day and sat by me. Later, she told me that when she saw me for the first time in the first day of school, my facial expression indicated that I did not want to talk to anyone. But, as she has gotten to know me, she discovered that I am a funny woman. She also said that probably other people have no idea how fun it is to be around me. She is always eager to try my food including Kimchi (fermented spicy cabbage), and she has always given me honest feedback about my food that she tried. She has never told me, ―No thank you‖, when I asked her if she wanted to try my food. The other friend (biracial friend) did not want to try my food initially, but lately, she started to try Korean food. Since I am a timorous person, I rarely suggest anything to others. But when I suggest something to others, my intention is trying to find some common ground between us. The first friend made me feel more comfortable with her by responding to my suggestion positively. She is ten years younger than me, but I do not feel she is younger than me. When I take the same class with her, I feel more secure. She tries to accommodate my needs since she understands my struggles. Our class schedule was different once, and she changed her schedule to take the same class with me. Another time, the instructor asked us to pair up with one of the classmates and prepare a presentation in class. Because she knew that I do not feel comfortable talking in front of big crowd, she asked me to draw a picture. I was pointing to the picture while she explained the picture to the classmates.
I: Do you experience a cultural barrier with your husband?
P: My husband knows of Asian culture well. He has lived for many years in Asia - two years in China and five years in Korea. Even if he experiences some cultural differences between us, he does not really express it. He understands my culture so well. For example, he knows that Asians are crazy about soap operas. So he understands me watching Korean soap operas all of the time. He also knows that Asians like Karaoke. He understands Asian‘s drinking culture and rough driving style that are common in Korea. Probably culture around preparing for food is the biggest cultural barrier that he experiences with me. The wife is supposed to cook meals and set up tables for the husband in Korea, but he does not think it is necessary.
251 He appreciates when I cook for him, but he does not think I have to do it for him.
I: How about the in-law culture that you experience with his family? Is it similar to what you expected before you married?
P: My in-laws are very individualistic. One example is that if they did not invite us for a meal, even if we visit them around the meal time, they have never asked us to have a meal with them. They do not do anything without a plan. If they want to do something with us, they always ask our opinion and make a plan. They also do not expect us to take care of their needs. Even when they came to visit us to Korea, they already made a reservation for a hotel in Seoul.
I: How did you interpret their behavior?
P: I was little bit stressed out about their visit because I thought that I had to figure out where they would stay, what they would eat, etc. But they took care of everything for themselves. They always ask our opinion and preference. They try to not bother us. Their behaviors can be interpreted as both individualistic, which has a negative connotation, and considerate, which has a positive connotation. They don‘t seem to believe that family members should share everything and that there is no mine and yours among family members like Koreans do.
I: What are your thoughts about that?
P: It was unfamiliar to me. It was totally different from what I expected before I got married. It does not match with the way women think of in-laws. My mom has taught me the importance of filial piety for parent-in-laws since I was young. I thought that if I got married, I had to live with my parent-in-laws and cook breakfast for them in the morning. But I realized that my parent-in-laws do not expect those kind of things from me, and they are good at taking care of themselves. I have gotten used to my parent-in-laws‘ style. I thought that I had to call my parent-in-laws at least once a week, but it seems that they do not care much about that either. Also they are happy with whatever gift that I get for them regardless of the price. I thought that they gave me special treatment initially, but I found later that they do that to everyone. I feel fortunate to have parent-in-laws like them.
I: What would be the biggest change that you have experienced since you came to America?
P: Like the expression that one becomes a patriot once he/she leaves homeland, I became a patriot since I left Korea.
252 I: What do you mean?
P: When I got American citizenship, I thought that my feeling at that time must be the feeling of leaving a homeland. When I was in Korea, I was curious about how my life would turn out if I went to America. When I left Korea, I anticipated that I would have a better life in America. Now, I really miss my homeland and want to go back to Korea.
I: Do you think your experience of living in America has influenced your values or worldviews?
P: The way I see America is that if you want to do something, you can do it. But it is not easy to put efforts on accomplishing anything. If I were in Korea, I would not work at a restaurant in any circumstances, but I worked at a restaurant because I was in America. My personality has changed. I became more timid than ever. Also, when I see other Asian acting inappropriately, I feel embarrassed as well. I am crestfallen as I live in this country as a minority. When Americans ask me whether I came from North Korea or South Korea, I feel insulted. I also learned that Americans also have prejudices about international marriage as Koreans do. I decided to not complain about my husband like I did in Korea. Koreans do not brag about their husband because they want to be modest, but, in America, if I complain about my husband, people think my husband is a strange person. I learn those kind of things. I am not sure if my experiences in America have changed my worldviews or values. Another thing that has been really difficult for me in America is that, since I am so used to practicing modesty, which is an important virtue in Korea, I have difficulty presenting my strengths and ability to others. Especially on a job interview, I have to talk about my strengths and assert why they need to hire me, but I do not feel comfortable bragging about myself. Also, like I said, it is common for Korean women to bad-mouth their in-laws and their husband with their friends, but it seems that it can be misinterpreted when I do the same thing to Americans. There are a few students from other countries at my school. They are from Cambodia, China, and Vietnam. One of my Cambodian classmates married to an American. She does not speak good English to the point that I feel better about my English when hear her speaking in English. Her English expressions do not make sense sometimes. For example, she often says, ―Thank you for liking me‖, and that is an awkward expression. Also, she is too considerate. For example, she waits for her classmates in front of the class with their time card in the morning (they have to clock in every morning, and if they are late, they lose attendance point). Of course, she does that because she wants to help her classmates out. But often, her classmates do not know that she has their time card and they are looking for their time card all over the place. So her good intention does not always turn out good. Anyway… she always says to others that she lives with her fiancé although her fiancé is actually her husband.
253 She brought a portable DVD player to school and showed her party tape in Cambodia to her classmates. Her classmates asked her what the party was about, and she said that it was an engagement party. But, in my opinion, it was too grand to be just an engagement party. Later, I found that it was a wedding ceremony. I am not sure why she lied to others. She lives with her parents-in-law and husband, and she cannot drive. So, in the morning, one of her parents- in-laws gives her a ride and in the afternoon, her husband comes to school to pick her up. She is 32 years old and her husband is 37 years old. Have you ever seen a 37 year old American living with his parents? Anyway… once we invited her to join us when we went to a restaurant to have chicken after school, and she brought her husband to the restaurant. It surprised me that she decided to bring her husband to the dinner with her friends. Although we told her that one of us could give her a ride, she decided to invite her husband to our dinner gathering. I thought that her husband was strange because he did not make eye contact with any of us and he was really quiet throughout the dinner. He did not ask her what she wanted to order and he only paid one dollar for the tip. We all felt uncomfortable while he was with us. After dinner, she went home with him, and we were chatting at the restaurant for a while. At that time, the other Cambodian classmate told us what she knew about them. According to her, he does not let his wife drive so he can have more control over her. They met on the internet and saw each other for the first time on their wedding day. At that time, she had already told all of her family members about him, but, when he saw her, he told her that he did not want to marry her. She was begging him to marry her because she was too old to find another man. So she came to America with him. She has no freedom in America because her husband puts his nose into every single thing she does including spending time with her friends. When I heard that, I thought that I could not judge him based on other‘s comments since I did not know him personally. She graduated a few weeks ago. She said that she did not want to graduate because she did not want to be at home all day long. No one, including her husband, came to her graduation ceremony and I thought that it was strange. Her husband came after the graduation ceremony to pick her up. He came inside of the school to pick up her stuff, and it was the first time he came into the school. Other classmates suggested to him to take a picture with her because it was her graduation day, but he declined and said that he felt uncomfortable because he is a shy person and he did not want to take a picture. This couple made me concerned about how me and my husband would be perceived by others. I found that Americans also have negative perceptions about international marriage. They don‘t understand how two people living in different countries could get married. So I worry about the possibility that people perceive me and my husband strangely. My husband came to my school a few times. At that time, he did not wear nice clothes and he looked displeased because he does not want to do things that are not planned. Anyway, he was bringing things that I forgot to bring to school that day, but it was obvious that he was not in a good mood. My classmates were concerned about his look and asked me if he was okay. That
254 made me concerned about what they thought of him. Especially after seeing my Cambodian friend‘s husband, I began to worry that they may put our couple and them in the same category. So I came home that day and asked my husband while holding his hands, ―I think Americans also have prejudices about international marriage. So I want you to behave in front of my friends in such a way that they do not think you are a strange man‖. Another thing that bothered me was that, as you know, we own nice cars. My classmates saw our cars when my husband came to my school and said, ―what is going on‖, as if it is strange that both of us drive nice cars. They have a no idea how hard we both work to pay off the loan for the car. I noticed that my American classmates do not like foreigners driving a good car and they make sarcastic remarks about it. One of our classmates from Cambodia drives a good car, but she works really hard to have a good income. But my classmates still dislike the fact that she drives a better car than theirs. We Korean women complain about our in-laws or husband to friends because we feel comfortable with them, but Americans take it literally and think our in-laws and husband are strange. When I compromise what I want to do out of consideration, Americans think that I do not want that. When I say I am not good at doing something in order to be modest, they really think I cannot do it. These sorts of things are not easy to get used to.
I: Do you think you have experienced personal growth or changes that you consider as positive since you came to America?
P: I think I have developed a better way of managing my money. I reduced the amount of money I waste although I am not obsessed with every detail about my expenses. It is partially because I do not spend excessive money on buying clothes or shoes to follow the fashion trend, and I put more money in my savings account. There was more temptation for spending money in Korea like seeing nice products or having a chance to split payment into several months without paying interest. My perception about in-laws also has changed in a more positive way. Korean women including me have a lot of prejudice about in-laws, but I do not have misperceptions about in-laws anymore. I do not see my parent-in-laws as parents-in law. They are more like my immediate family to me. I feel loved by them and they treat me nicely. I do not dislike my in-laws just because they are my in-laws like a lot of Korean women.
I: What do you mean by misperceptions about in-laws?
P: Like the stereotypical in-laws that Korean TV drama portrays. Parents-in-law are demanding and abusive to their daughter-in-law. Married women have a difficult life because they live with their husband‘s family and serve their in-laws‘ needs like they are a servant of their husband‘s family. A common notion is that a daughter-in-law must make a phone call to
255 parents-in-law once a day whether she wants it or not or she has to visit her parents-in-law at least once a week. There are so many obligations that are forced upon Korean married women by husband‘s side of family.
I: What changed your thoughts about parents-in-law?
P: My experience with my parents-in-law. Their behaviors and attitudes toward me (were different from what I imagined as typical parents-in-law).
256 Appendix F Stories Relationships in America Jun‘s story I do not socialize with people much in America. I would say that I spend about 80% of my time with my wife, about 10 % with other Koreans, and about 10% with Americans. With my wife, I usually talk about my daily life experiences. I have spent more time at home with my wife in America than I used to spend with her in Korea, but it has not noticeably changed our relationship. I do not socialize with Koreans in America on a regular basis, and I am not satisfied with my relationships with them. We usually socialize during coffee breaks. When I spend time with them, we usually talk about what we watch on TV, what we think about things that have happened recently, funny stories, Korean related news, and gossip about people in the entertainment business. We do not talk about our struggles or difficulties due to time constraints, and I do not see the possibility of developing closer relationships with them. I think that the reason why I cannot develop closer relationships with Koreans in America is that most of Koreans I know are here temporarily to complete their studies and they only have limited time to finish their degrees. So, they invest their time getting their studies done instead of making friends, and we cannot enjoy life as Koreans in Korea do. I find that time constraints and the temporary nature of my staying in America are the two barriers for developing close relationships with people in America. I was once told that Koreans who have close relationships in America do not maintain those close relationships once they go back to Korea, and I think it is because Koreans only have temporary relationships with each other while in America. Koreans here socialize with each other because they happen to be in the same city in America together. We may not have chosen to socialize with each other if we were in Korea. Time constraints affected my relationships with people in my department as well. I managed to make a few friends in my program while working on a master‘s degree because we had spare time to sit and talk about different things. We could get closer by spending time together. But, now, we are busy with our studies, so we do not get the chance to spend time with each other like we used to. I noticed some differences between my interpersonal relationships in Korea and in America. I feel that my relationships with people are more superficial in America than in Korea because I do not have enough time to invest in developing relationships in America. As a matter of fact, interpersonal relationships are just one of the things I had to give up to live in America. Developing relationships requires time and effort, and, like other Koreans, I cannot afford to invest my time and effort in developing close and meaningful relationships. If America is the place where I would settle down and live my life, it would be important to
257 form close relationships with people around me to have a comfortable and happy life. I am not satisfied with my relationships with Americans either, because I have difficulty communicating with them. With my American friends, we usually talk about our everyday experiences, but I cannot talk spontaneously around them. Even when I want to say something to them, I cannot say it smoothly and in a friendly manner. I struggle to express my thoughts and feelings in English, and I can only share superficial aspects of my life with my American friends due to my limited English. I think that the language barrier creates the biggest barrier in my relationships with Americans. I have two American office mates who are really talkative but I have difficulty joining their conversation. It is not because they are inconsiderate of me. As a matter of fact, they try to understand what I say and try to respond to my questions. I think that they also make some effort to mingle with me. However, I have difficulty following their conversations, so I am hesitant to socialize with them. So, I only say, ―Hi‖, or, ―How are you doing‖, to them when I run into them. I can talk about what I did today, but I have difficulty in continuing the conversation from that point because of the language barrier. So I cannot follow their conversation unless I ask them to explain to me what they are talking about. I do not like to interrupt their conversation by asking them questions, so I often cannot be a part of the conversation. On the surface level, language is the issue that limits opportunities to socialize with Americans, but even if I try to deepen the conversation with Americans, cultural differences create another barrier. For example, let‘s say we are talking about the movie, ―Transformers‖. My American lab mates may talk about their experiences of watching Transformer cartoons when they were young, then share their memories of watching other cartoons around the time they were watching Transformers, and then talk about their experiences of playing with toys that were related to the cartoon characters. If their conversation progresses in that direction, I could not relate to their conversation at all. I do not know what they are talking about. If Americans want to get to know me or try to find common topics for us, we could continue the conversation. But, if Americans only talk about topics related to their experiences in America, it is not easy for me to continue the conversation with them because I only have limited knowledge about American culture, lifestyle, and their experiences of growing up in America. For example, every Korean knows the Korean children‘s song, ―Mountain rabbit‖ because it is a popular children‘s song in Korea. Americans would have popular children‘s songs, but I have no clue about what they may be. Another thing related to cultural issues that affect my difficulties with developing close relationships with American is my lack of knowledge about Americans. I do not know anything about what kind of things that Americans enjoy doing and what they are interested in. I believe that in order to develop close relationships, people need to share similar interests and enjoy similar activities. If I know activities what Americans enjoy or things that they are interested in, I might be able to find something that I can do with Americans, and it might
258 give us an opportunity to become closer. However, I have no clue about them. In addition to language issues and cultural issues, the differences between Americans and Koreans in their ways of developing ideas affect my relationships with Americans. I find that Americans and Koreans have opposite ways to unfolding ideas. For example, when I talk about my ideas, sometimes I start with a big idea and progress into details, but my American teachers start with smaller ideas and expand them into a big concept. I think that such differences in stating ideas create some confusion and misunderstanding between me and my American professors when we do not have enough time to explain our respective points. Because we have different ways of conceptualizing and stating stories, we easily miss each other‘s points and experience difficulties in understanding where the other person is coming from. Therefore, there is more room for miscommunication, and it becomes a barrier for me to develop relationships with Americans. Particularly in the classroom setting where I only have limited time to express my opinion, I feel more anxious to say anything because I am not sure if I can provide an answer that makes sense to a professor. Because there are discrepancies in ways of thinking between me and my professor, I am often unsure about whether I provided the answer that my professor was looking for or not. For example, even if we are talking about the same phenomenon, I find that we talk about different aspects of the same phenomenon because we talk about the phenomenon the way we make sense of it. Recognizing differences in ways of thinking between me and Americans has helped me understand them, but it also restrains my relationships with them. One of the differences in my relationships with Koreans in Korea and in America is that in America, I do not even have Koreans who I can engage in deep and serious conversations. When I was in Korea, although people did not engage in serious conversation while they were sober, when we drank alcohol together, people become serious and shared thoughts and feelings that they would not normally share when they were sober. We talked about life, gave advice to others about how others should live their life, and shared personal stories. But in America, first of all, I do not drink as much as I used to in Korea, and even if I drink alcohol with other Koreans, we do not talk about serious topics while drinking. I am not sure why we do not share our worldviews, values, and that sort of thing while drinking, but usually when we drink together, we talk about our experiences of traveling and other experiences in America. Maybe my Korean drinking buddies in America do not share their personal things with me because they feel uncomfortable around me. Related to that, I do not have people with whom I can engage in deep conversations in America. It seems that Koreans attending a church have closer relationships with other church members, and they depend on each other. I also think that, depending on personality, some people are more likely to form closer relationships than others. I find that it is not easy to find someone one can trust in America unless someone belongs to a community such as church that provides some kind of common values that can facilitate trust among people. In
259 addition to that, people can assess whether the person is reliable or not based on the person‘s devotion to church activities or other church members opinions about the person. But, in the Korean international students‘ community, it is not really easy to judge the person based on their behavior in public. It is partially because most of them are pretty young and also, because they are here temporarily, they do not show their true self to others. It is not easy to know who they really are. I had one friend in America who graduated from the same college as I did in Korea. He was younger than me and he wanted to have serious conversations with me. I think that, like me, he was not satisfied with his relationships with others. When I came to this city, he thought that he could trust me and have serious conversations with me. So he shared more personal things with me, but, regrettably, I could not be good company for him, because I was not able to have serious conversations with him. I find that, with Americans, it is not easy to develop close relationships due to language and cultural barriers, and with Koreans it is not easy to develop close relationships because it is not easy to find Koreans I can trust. What I mean by close relationships is different for Americans and Koreans. With Americans, I cannot have in depth conversations about any topic, and, with Koreans, I cannot get to know the person in depth. So I am talking about two different kinds of closeness, but in a way both are the same because both aspects of closeness would help me to continue having conversations with people. I did not have close relationships with people even when I was in Korea. I did not have a need to have close friends when I was in Korea. So, I would say that, in a way, the nature of my relationships with people has not changed much because I am in America. In Korea, I only socialized with my co workers at work and only spent time either at work or at home. I have friends from high school, but I did not have a chance to see them often. My relationships with my high school friends have changed since I came to America due to the physical distance. When I was in Korea, I could see them during the holidays when I visited my hometown. But, since I came to America, I can not see them even during the holidays. I do not call my friends often and am not really good at keeping in touch, so I haven‘t contacted them since I came to America. I am a person with a lot of secrets. So, I naturally have difficulty sharing what is in my mind even with my wife. I have a lot of secrets because I have a fear of failure. I do not want others to know my mistakes so I have many secrets. I think that it is one of the reasons why I cannot form close relationships with people. I am not satisfied with my relationships with people in America. I miss people more and more as I get older, but it is not easy to open up myself to others. I want to get to know many people in America including Koreans and Americans. But, it is regrettable that I cannot open up myself to others easily because I have too many secrets. Although I want relationships, it is not easy to get closer to people because I have always been keeping some
260 distance from people. I may need to make some changes to develop closer relationships with others in order to have more satisfactory relationships. Mirae‘s story I am a housewife. Because I do not have a job in America, my opportunities to meet people are limited. I meet people through the online married Korean women‘s club in my city, ESL (English as second language) classes, and my husband. I find that it is easier to relate to classmates in ESL classes because we have similar interests and goals— beginning with improving our English. So, we study together to achieve our goal. However, I can not develop a close relationship with people I meet through my husband because they are not my friends (they are my husband‘s friends). When I associate with people in my husband‘s department, I interact with them as a wife of their friend. So I think I behave differently with my husband‘s friends than with my friends. When I meet people, I try to develop deep and meaningful relationships with everybody. If I cannot have such relationships with others, it would be better staying at home alone. I always try to make my relationships with others meaningful regardless of the nature of the relationship. 1. Friends from other countries Most of my friends in America are Asian including a lot of Koreans. It is easier for me to become friends with Asians because we eat similar foods and share a similar culture. For example, we all know some Chinese characters, so there are some similarities in language. Food-wise, we all eat rice. I feel that Asian people are similar since they share similar values and beliefs even though there can be some individual differences depending on person or age. Because Asians share a similar culture and have some knowledge about other Asian cultures, we easily understand each other although none of us speaks English really well. However, I find that people who are not from Asia such as Americans or Hispanics do not understand what I am talking about because we do not share a similar culture. They do not understand my culture because they do not know much about it. So, it is not easy to become friends with people who are not Asian. I also find that people who are not from Asia are different from me. For example, I do not know much about Hispanics since I only know a few Hispanics, but I feel that they are too loud and talkative. They appear to talk without thinking. I have become really close to people from other countries recently. For a couple of years after coming to America, I did not have many chances to meet people because I did not go anywhere and I could not speak English well. I have one Japanese friend who I have known for a long time and two friends from Indonesia who I met a few months ago. I met my Japanese friend from an English class, and we got close after she invited me to her place. I met the friends from Indonesia through one of my Korean friends. I also have Turkish friends who I met in my English class, and they invited me to their place as well. Usually my friends from other countries are people who have approached me first and invited me to their place or have given me a ride. I am not good at initiating conversations with people.
261 I usually cook with friends from other countries. I think that cooking is one way to teach one‘s culture. I learn about their culture through sharing food and spending time together. It is exciting to get to know about other countries through getting to know people from that country. Although I leaned world history or world geography at school, I do not really know much about other countries. Initially, I thought that Japanese or South Asians would be a lot different from Koreans, but I realized that fundamentally we are similar. Socializing with people from other countries has given me a chance to think about diversity. It has been a good experience to get to know people and explore their cultures. I found that I have become friends with people who share the same purpose as me in America. When I was in Korea, friends were people I socialized with to have fun together but, here, friends are people who I go to school with. I think my friends from other countries expect us to do something together rather than chatting in the cafeteria. We make quilts together or make other things together. Initially, I did not like that kind of relationship, but I have found that having a shared goal helps people maintain relationships. However, if there is no intimacy involved in such relationships, the relationship normally ends after we accomplish the goal. It is an intense, short relationship, which is a lot different than my relationships with people in Korea. But I also find that people who initially get together to work on the same goal can develop a close friendship. I am more straightforward with my friends from other countries because of my limited English. I cannot say things in more complicated and refined way when I speak in English. Sometimes, I feel more comfortable sharing things with friends from other countries than with my Korean best friends because I do not expect my friends from other countries to respond to me the way I expect. If I want the other person to respond to me in a certain way, I tend to be careful of what I tell her because I am afraid of her response being different from what I expect to hear. Similarly, I also can say things without worrying about the response from the other person when I talk to friends from other countries. For example, if I do not have enough money and tell it to my close Korean friend, ―I am struggling with financial problems,‖ my friend might worry about me although I do not want her to. It is also embarrassing to talk about that kind of thing to my Korean friends. On the other hand, to friends from other countries, I can jokingly say, ―I am really poor. I do not have enough money.‖ It is a serious problem to me, but I can joke about it more easily in English. I feel close to my friends from other countries, but do not feel comfortable with them. I believe that it takes time to feel comfortable with others, and perhaps we have not spent enough time to feel comfortable with each other. When I socialize with a new person, it is fun to spend time together initially, but I do not feel comfortable with her until we have known each other for a while. In addition, I am very careful around people from other countries because I do not want them to develop negative stereotypes about Koreans through watching me. Although I am not on a diplomatic mission, I worry about giving them negative
262 impressions about Koreans. So I am more conscious of the implications of my behaviors when I am with people from other countries. With friends from other countries, I think it is more important to accept them as they are rather than trying to understand them because we are too different. So, I try to accept them as they are instead of trying to understand them based on my point of views. I find that it is not easy to accept Koreans as they are. But with people from other countries, it is easier because I expect them to be different from me from the beginning of the relationship. I am satisfied with my relationships with friends from other countries because my expectations are not high enough to risk disappointment. My expectation for our relationships is low because our limited English prevents us from talking about ourselves in depth. So we are nice to each other and try to have good relationships, but we do not get too personally attached to each other. In a way, I like that kind of relationship, a relationship that does not involve expectations. I always try to keep in touch with my friends from other countries through sending e-mails to them or calling them, so they know that I still remember them. If I did not do that, my relationships with people from other countries would not last. I found that if two people do not have a really close relationship, at least one person has to put more effort to maintain the relationship. Of course, maintaining relationships with Koreans also requires effort, but with people from other countries, it requires more effort than with Koreans. I always put a lot of effort into maintaining relationships with people from other countries without having any expectations from them. This attitude makes me easily satisfied with the relationships with people from other countries. 2. Americans I do not feel uncomfortable interacting with American people. As a matter of fact, I want to talk to them as much as I can. I think that they are more talkative and smile more than Korean people. Koreans do not talk about personal stories unless they are close to each other, but Americans engage in small talk easily. So I do not feel uncomfortable talking with them. Since Koreans tend to be careful and are afraid of telling the truth and expressing feelings, I feel that I need to be careful around Koreans. But, I do not feel that way around Americans. Although I do not know Americans well, I think they tend to exaggerate feelings. For example, if Korean people think something is good, they just say, ―It is good‖ but American people say, ―Wow it is really good.‖ Korean people think that that kind of expression is childish and ungraceful. However, I feel that expressing feelings honestly is more comfortable. I think that the interpersonal relationship style is somewhat different between Koreans and Americans. I think that it takes longer to get to know Korean people because they don‘t talk much about themselves in the beginning. But with American people, I might feel closer to them than I actually am. I think that Americans tend to have stricter boundaries between people. So, they will let people get close to them to some extent, but they hesitate to
263 disclose themselves completely. I think that there would be some threshold where developing a close relationship with an American becomes difficult. I do not think it is because I am a foreigner, but because it is the way Americans relate to each other. I think that Americans are nice to everyone because it is a socially acceptable way of relating to each other. All the Americans I have closely interacted with are old ladies, and I meet them from my English classes. We have only seen each other a few times outside of class. Other than that, I have never had a really close relationship with an American. I think that I do not have American friends because I have not had a chance to meet them. The teachers in my English classes are American, but I find that they are different from my classmates. I find that American teachers are polite and have clear ideas about boundaries. So, I do not feel comfortable contacting them outside of the class. I have never tried to develop personal relationships with them. I feel that they may not like it if I wanted to spend time with them outside of the class. Sometimes I want to call them, but it is easier to just e-mail them. I think that if I get to know Americans, I might have different feelings toward them. I do not think it would be easy to develop close relationships with Americans, and it might take a long time to develop relationships with them. Americans value privacy, so they might not contact me to respect my privacy. I may do the same to them. I have one friend who married an American. It is possible that I did not feel comfortable with her husband because he is the husband of my friend, but it took me a while to feel comfortable with him. I think he felt the same way with me as well. Of course, I would not feel immediately comfortable with the husbands of my Korean friends. It is difficult to say what I would experience in the relationships with Americans because I do not interact with them much. 3. Koreans Koreans who I have associated in America are a lot different from Koreans with whom I used to associate in Korea. In America, I have gotten to know Koreans from various backgrounds. I have a few really close Korean friends who I met through the on-line married Korean women‘s club in my city, and since I do not have extended family in America, they are like my family. I am really close to them. When I am with them, we talk a lot. We share our struggles and fun experiences. I have noticed some differences between my relationships with people in Korea and in America. I think my relationship with people in Korea was a more natural relationship. I naturally grew close to my friends in Korea since we grew up together. We share similar values and beliefs so there were no conflicts or arguments, and I felt more comfortable with them. Here in America, I feel that I need to put so much effort into developing relationships. I need to accept differences between me and other people. My relationships with people in America are not as natural as my relationships with my friends in Korea.
264 I am mostly satisfied with my relationships in America. One thing that I do not like about my relationships in America is that the opportunities to socialize with people other than wives of Koran international students are very limited. I find that only having opportunities to meet people from a specific population makes me feel stuck and confined sometimes. I want to have a chance to meet young students who have flexible perspectives, or older people. I find that most Korean married women with whom I have had a chance to socialize think the same. They are family centered and are interested in kitchenware since they are housewives. They are more interested in practical things instead of abstract concepts. Fortunately, I have made a few friends who are interested in discussing philosophical things, but it took a while to talk about abstract topics with most of my friends in America. With most of my close friends in America, we did not talk about meaningful things initially, but we discovered common ground by chance later, which brought us closer. I always have thought that I only need friends who I can share abstract things such as my ideas or perspectives, but since I came to America I realized that it is possible to associate with people for practical reasons such as getting information. In the past, I did not like to meet people for specific purposes. When I was in Korea, I did not value goal oriented relationships. I wanted to have deep and close relationships with a few people and thought that that kind of relationship was the only meaningful relationship. But, I have changed my mind. There are many different kinds of relationships such as practical relationships and intimate relationships, and both relationships are valuable. The reason why practical relationships are important to me in America is that I do not know anything about American life. When I was in Korea, I had no need to ask practical things to others because I knew everything. Since I grew up in Korea, I could take care of things for myself without needing others‘ help. But in America, I need to get information from others to get things done. I also give information to others. It helped me to expand my relationships with others. The only regret that I have about my relationships with Koreans in America is that, although I made more friends than when I was in Korea, our relationships have not lasted the way I expected them to. I found that my relationships with them changed once their situation changed. When I met my Korean friends for the first time, most of them were newly married and had no children. So we socialized the way childhood friends would. However, as time went on, some of them got pregnant and had a child. As their needs changed with their new situation, they joined other groups to satisfy their needs. We spent less time together as they spent more time with their new group of friends. I also looked for friends who I could relate to better. It was hurtful initially, but I realized that it was unavoidable since the nature of the relationship changes as the situation of each person who involved in the relationship changes. The person might be the same person, but the person‘s situation determines what the person needs from the relationship. So I could have a close relationship with the person in the past, but our relationship would not stay the same as our situation changes.
265 In order to understand my friends who changed as their situation changed, I tried to put myself in their shoes and then found that it was one of the ways to adjust in a new environment. I thought that if I were in their situation, I would behave similarly. However, when my friend changes according to the changes in her situation, I cannot sacrifice myself to go along with the changes. So, we cannot be as close as before and eventually accept the changes in our relationship. As I accept my friend‘s change, I modify my expectations of her. Until I came to that conclusion, I have contemplated a lot such as, ―What if I were her, what I would do?‖ And ―What if she were me, what would she do?‖ I tried to take the other‘s perspective. I also realized that I changed as well. I learned that relationships can change as people‘s needs change, and I think this principle would apply to my friends from other countries as well. I think that I have experienced that kind of relationship partially because I am in America. When I was in Korea, I did not socialize with married women. I only socialized with a few selected people with whom I really wanted to develop relationships. They were similar to me. We grew up together and shared similar backgrounds. I did not see them often since we were always busy, but I was satisfied with our relationships. I did not have any friends who I met to satisfy my needs, and I did not socialize with people to get help. So the nature of my relationships with others in Korea was a little bit different from other Korean married women. However, in America, I sometimes socialize with people with whom I do not want to socialize. Sometimes, I socialize with people by chance, and sometimes I socialize with people because the other person wants to spend time with me. Because I am in America as a wife of an international student, I do not have a specific task to accomplish. I have a lot of spare time and sometimes feel lonely. In America, I have more chances to get to know people from different backgrounds because of my unique situation. Initially, it was difficult for me to socialize with new people from different backgrounds, and I honestly did not want to meet them. I was afraid of meeting new people because I did not know them well. Meeting people to fulfill my needs in America was a difficult and uncomfortable thing to do initially, but now I think it is possible to socialize with others to satisfy one‘s needs. I think I was fairly passive in relationships with others in America because I did not drive. Because I could not drive to places to see others, I did not feel comfortable asking them to spend time with me. So, I did not initiate relationships and only spent time with people who approached me. However, I think that because I was passive in relationships, it was easier to develop closer and more intimate relationships with others. Others initiated relationships with me because they were already interested in me. So I could develop intimate relationships with them easily. I easily like people, and if the other person also expressed interest in me, it is easier to develop close relationship with them. Even if I could drive a car, I would not be able to initiate relationships with others considering my personality. But, anyway, because I cannot drive, I always need to have someone who gives me a ride. I
266 always appreciate their help and try to reciprocate their favor by paying attention to their needs and wants. I think everything has two sides. If I could drive and actively seek the things that I could achieve, I might have a more tangible outcome from my American life, but I would not be able to develop meaningful relationships with as many people as I have. Minho‘s story Like many other Koreans in America, I spend most of my time with Koreans. There are so many Koreans in the engineering department, so I do not have a problem finding Koreans in America. I think that my relationships with Koreans in America are not much different from that in Korea. Initially, when I was in the master‘s program, I did not really have time to invest in developing relationships. At that time, my priority was figuring out ways to survive in America, so, meeting new people was not my priority. So, I did not even socialize with Koreans much. The only thing I could afford to do with Korean students was to have a cup of coffee. While socializing with Koreans during a coffee break, I had to get information about ways to get financial support since other Koreans know more about what is required for international students receiving financial support. I also talked to every single Korean graduate student in my department before I chose my advisor to seek their advice, and I put a lot of effort into getting to know them. I tried to meet Americans for a while, but the only American I could actually meet was a conversation partner. (A Conversation partner is an American student who volunteers to spend time with an international student to help him/her practice speaking in English. Usually the international student office in university offers the conversation partner program to help international students‘ adjustment in America.) I did not have much chance to meet Americans in America and even in my lab there were not many Americans. Even if I had some chance to socialize with Americans, I found that it is not easy to develop relationships with them. I am not sure why it was difficult to develop relationships with Americans. It might be due to the lack of the topics for conversation because of cultural differences or age differences. I think that American culture is a more individualistic culture, but I, as a Korean, feel more comfortable with a collectivistic culture. Another American that I had a chance to associate with while I was in the master‘s program was an American graduate student in my lab, but he was eight years younger than me. Since he was a lot younger than me, his interests did not intersect with mine. Probably that would have been the case even if he had been Korean. When I went to Australia to study English, I also struggled to relate to people whom I met in Australia due to age differences. At that time, I had chances to talk to people from South East Asia, and they only talked about boyfriend and girlfriend stuff. I did not spend much time with them because I was not interested in that sort of thing. Back to my lab mate story, I did not talk to him unless we were in the lab together. However, I do not talk to people much in general in the lab since my best friend is my computer when I am in the lab.
267 I believe that even if I were in America to study English and were actively looking for Americans to socialize with, it would be difficult to have a chance to meet Americans. But, my priority for now is my research, so it is more difficult to have a chance to meet Americans. In addition, I am interested in history and politics, and, as I have learned more about what Americans have done to other countries throughout history, I have developed negative feelings toward them. So, unless Americans approach me because they are interested in Korea, I do not feel a need to work hard to develop relationships with them. I do not feel a need to get to know Americans because I do not think that they can offer me anything. For example, I like traveling, but I have found that most Americans do not know much about places in America other than where they live. So they cannot offer information about traveling in America for me. However, I have a plan to make at least one American friend through one of my friends who is a visiting scholar in the international studies department at my school because I want to have a chance to practice English and want to inform the person about Korean culture the way I understand it. Let‘s face it. There is a lot of misinformation about Korea even in the Korean history textbooks in Korea. For example, some Korean history books indicate that North Korean areas were colonized by China until the end of the Japanese occupation in Korea. I want to correct that kind of misinformation. Samsung is a Korean company that we are very proud of, but some Americans think it is a Japanese company. It is lamentable. I do not trust popular news sources or mass media entirely. When I believe that I know a truth that is not consistent with the report from the mass media, I want to inform both Koreans and Americans. If Americans are willing to learn more about Korea, I want to inform them of the truth that I know. That is the reason why I want to meet Americans studying culture. I always try to have positive experiences with Americans, but all my relationships with Americans have ended on bad terms. So I gathered that it was not easy to maintain good relationships with Americans. I had an American tutor who I considered to be one of the most open minded people I have met in America. Her religion was Baha‘i and she talked about her religion a lot. After a while, I became sick and tired of hearing about her religion. When I was in the Korean army, there was one soldier who practiced the Seventh Day Adventist dogma, and he refused to participate in Saturday training due to his religious practice. I had to force him to join the training so he would not be punished for not following orders in the army. I told her my struggles with him in the army, and she asked me what I did to solve the problem. I responded to her that I negotiated with him, and I guess she heard it as religious oppression. So, she became upset with me. I wanted to tell her at that moment that I have heard about her religion for a year while paying money to learn English although I did not want to hear about it, but I did not say it. Anyway, I could feel that she suddenly distanced herself from me after I talked about my struggles with my subordinate‘s religious practice in the military. I was not happy with the outcome and wanted to quit the tutoring meeting when
268 I felt her suddenly close her mind to me. But I thought that it would be impolite and awkward. So when we met the next time, I told her that I had to quit receiving tutoring from her because I was too busy with my project. I found that a lot of Americans are religious and this also creates some barriers between Americans and me since I am not religious at all. Also, I cannot relate to young Americans because I cannot understand their way of thinking. That is true with Korean young people as well. In order to be a real friend, I have to be able to share everything about myself with the person including talking about sensitive issues. I want to know more about American historical facts such as the route that Americans took when they went to Japan in the late 19th century. I am not sure if I can run into Americans who can answer all my questions about American historical facts. I may be able to find some Americans with whom I can talk more openly about historically sensitive issues in the history department. But I am still skeptical. I am even skeptical about finding a Korean with whom I can talk openly about all the sensitive issues. So it would be even more difficult to find an American friend who I can share everything with. In addition, I am not sure if I can find Americans who would admit all the bad things that they have done in their history. Another barrier that I am experiencing in my relationships with Americans is related to the language. I know one of the Korean female students who did a master‘s degree in Canada and came to my school for Ph.D. Her English is as good as her Korean, but she told me that when she speaks in English, she does not experience emotions as intensely as when she speaks Korean. If a totally Americanized person feels that way, as a foreigner who is still struggling with English, I would not be able to fully experience emotion when I speak in English. Therefore, I may share emotions with Americans in English without actually feeling what I am saying. I am not sure if I would be able to feel connected to the person I am talking with when I speak in English. In America, I also had chances to get to know second generation Koreans--Korean students who were born in America. They were undergraduate students, and it seemed that they felt more comfortable talking to me because I was a graduate student. Because there was an age difference between us, they shared more things that are important to them with me and it brought us closer. I had heard that undergraduate students from Korea and second generation Korean undergraduate students do not mingle with each other due to differences in their financial situation. Undergraduate students from Korea are usually wealthy and can spend as much money as they want, but the second generation Korean undergraduate students cannot afford to do that. They do not share the same entertainment culture. The same phenomenon naturally happens in Korea as well. However, Korean graduate students are not like the wealthy undergraduate students from Korea, and I think it was the reason why we could relate to each other easier. Age differences were less of a problem in our relationships because I learned about the second generation Korean culture from one of my friends. It was
269 helpful. The second generation Koreans learned Korean culture from their parents, and their parents came to America 20 to 30 years ago. So, they are stuck in that period when it comes to their understanding of Korean culture. Korea was more conservative back then. I found that they are modest and naive. Most of the second generation Korean students who I met were the children of the parents who are involved with UBF (University Bible Fellowship). It seemed that their parents did not want them to learn Korean. Their parents only taught English to them, spoke in English at home, and were uninterested in Korea. However, they were interested in learning Korean, took Korean classes, and had some fantasies about Korea. Maybe their curiosity about Korea was in their blood. Anyway, there was a language exchange program run by a Korean graduate student in the linguistics department. So I participated in their meeting regularly and met some second generation Korean students in the program. That was the only time I got to know undergraduate students. I think that even if I were in Korea as a graduate student, I would not have many chances to get to know undergraduate students. My relationships with the second generation Korean undergraduate students did not last long. I think that it was because our relationships were goal oriented relationships and I could not overcome the age difference between us. We met through the language exchange program, so our goal was learning each other‘s language. They wanted to learn Korean and I wanted to improve my English. We got close enough to visit each other‘s place, but our relationships ended even before we achieved the goal. I wanted to continue working on the goal with them, so I asked one of them if he could see me every day. It seemed that he could not see me everyday because he was too busy. So, we could not continue working toward our goal. It is not easy to maintain relationships. One of my friends who is older than me and has a job told me that in order to maintain close relationships, it is important to keep in touch, but it is difficult. I want to go back to Korea eventually, and sometimes I wonder if it would be a good idea to make a close friend in America since it would be difficult to keep in touch once I go back to Korea. I am not sure if I would have enough time and money to visit my friends in other countries to maintain a relationship after I go back to Korea. If I am busy with my work, I wouldn‘t be able to keep in touch with my friends in other countries. That is a dilemma. So I am somewhat hesitant to invest my time and energy to develop relationships in America. It is a complicated issue. I usually spend time with my Korean friends and my advisor in America. My advisor is an Asian Indian, and I interact with my advisor the same way I would interact with my Korean professors. I do not consider them differently. For example, I gave him a nod whenever I see him and behave as respectfully and formally as I would with Korean professors. I decided to give him a nod for greeting because I saw that one of my Korean lab mates did that to him. I was surprised to see him giving a nod to my advisor at first because it
270 is uncommon to give a nod to others in America, but my lab mate told me that the Asian Indian culture also has a tradition of giving a nod to express respect. I think that my advisor knows that I respect him although my advisor has not expressed this openly. I also feel that he takes care of me because he knows how I feel about him. For example, he did not have funds to support me for a while, but he wrote a personal check to me several times. I believe that my respectful attitude toward him has affected our relationship positively. I am satisfied with my relationships with Koreans. I have a lot of Korean friends in my department. I cofounded and am actively involved in the Korean students swimming club in my department, and half of the Korean students in my department belong to the club. Our club has been successful. I feel that I have been successful in interpersonal relationships with Korean students in America. I also think I have meaningful relationships with some Korean students in my department. My belief about a meaningful relationships is based on the Chinese idiom 知音(JiUm: Knowing the sound). The story behind the Chinese idiom, ―JiUm‖, is as follows: Once upon a time, there were two best friends. One was really good at playing a geomungo (Korean lute), and the other could really hear the sound of his friend‘s geomungo play. He could tell whether his friend was having a good day or bad day from the sound of his friend‘s geomungo playing. When the friend who could really hear the sound of his friend‘s geomungo play died, and the geomungo player cut the string of his geomungo because he lost the person who could really hear his music. Ji (知) means knowing and Um (音) means the sound, Jium means that the close friend who knows me from the sound I make. That kind of relationship is meaningful to me. It is somewhat difficult to make that kind of friend as an adult. I have a few friends in my department who are younger than me and listen to me because I am older than them. However, if they just listen to me without giving me any response, I would not consider them as close friends since they might be simply ignoring me. But, they always give me feedback and respect my opinion. So, I think they are my real friends and it is always good to have those kinds of friends. But sometimes I am not sure if they listen to me just because I am older than them or because they are genuinely interested in what I am talking about. I found that a friend who is the same age as me responds to my opinion more openly whether he agrees with me or not. That is the biggest difference between friends in my age and friends younger than me. I prefer to have a small group of close friends since it is not easy to maintain close contacts with many people. It would be tragic if I lost a close connection with my friends because they moved far away from me or if we had a different life style due to a different career path. Sometimes I maintain distance from some people, and sometimes I genuinely share what is in my mind. The premise of a relationship for me is ―Jium‖, but I also choose how many people I will develop that kind of relationship with.
271 I suppose I can develop ―Jium‖ relationships with Americans, but I am not sure if I can find an American with whom I can develop that kind of relationship. I think that Koreans have a high consciousness. They learn differential and integral calculus in high school whether they use them or not later and study all sorts of things in high school. It helps them develop their own perspective. So when we discuss certain issues, we can maintain good relationships whether we agree with each other or not. However, from my experience of talking with other Americans, I have found that they often said, ―I don‘t care about it‖ or ―I don‘t know‖, which did not open up room for further discussion. Although I study engineering, I am also interested in social sciences or liberal arts. So, sometimes when I talk about my interests, some of the Korean students in my department also say, ―Sorry, I am not interested in that topic‖, which closes the door for further discussion. I had the same experience with Americans as well. It seems that Americans in my department are more interested in figuring out ways to make money or finding a good wife. But I feel that if I could meet some Americans in social science or liberal arts majors, I might be able to develop more meaningful relationships with them although I am somewhat skeptical about the possibility. I am not sure how many Americans would be open-minded since American education also emphasizes patriotism and teaches perspectives centered on America‘s point of view. But, still it would be good to have an opportunity to get to know some Americans. Yuri‘s story It is my second time in America. I was in America several years ago for fifteen months to work on my master‘s degree. After receiving my master‘s degree, I went back to Korea and stayed there for one and half years and came back to America again to work on my Ph.D. I found that my relationships with people were not the same the first time and the second time I was in America. In addition, my experiences of relationships with people in Korea and in America are noticeably different. When I was in the master‘s program in another city in America, I did not have any problem finding friends. I had one female friend from the Philippines who went to the same church and was very similar to me. Because her English was as good as the native English speakers‘, she could afford socialize with people and watch TV in addition to her studying. So, she could do everything that I wanted to do with her. We used to go to a movie theater or concert together. I also had more time to socialize than now because what I studied during the master‘s program was not much different from what I studied in Korea. I think that I could have made more friends in the master‘s program if I wanted to, but I did not feel a need to do it. At that time, my school work was my priority, and sometimes I felt that I did not even have enough time to socialize with my Filipino friend. I had never felt that I wanted or needed to look for friends while I was in the master‘s program. I think that it was because I was sick and tired of dealing with people in Korea prior to coming to America to pursue my master‘s degree. In addition, I really wanted to focus on
272 my studies because, before coming to America, I was busy working part time to make money to pay for tuition and did not have enough time to study. Unlike when I was in the master‘s program, I experienced a desperate need to socialize with people when I came back to America to work on my PhD. When I was in the master‘s program, I was not interested in developing relationships with people, but, now I want to make friends. For example, when I was in the master‘s program, I went to the school recreation center everyday to get exercise and I did not need to go there with another person. At the recreation center, I did not want anyone to talk to me while getting exercise, and, if someone greeted me, I felt annoyed. I enjoyed taking exercise classes alone and getting exercise alone. But, now, I do not want to go to the recreation center alone. My current school has a better recreation center than my previous school, but it does not motivate me to go there alone. I was in Korea for one and half years after completing my master‘s program and before coming back to America. While I was in Korea, I did not see my friends in Korea often and did not miss my friends much. But, my experiences at an acting troupe changed my attitude toward people. I joined an acting troupe for one year while I was in Korea, and while I was in the acting troupe, I missed people a little bit for the first time. In the acting troupe, I was exposed to people who were from completely different backgrounds from me. For example, some of them were more than 10 years younger than me, and none of them were from Seoul. I have never known someone whose parents are divorced until I joined the acting troupe. I stayed in the countryside where there were fields growing rice and other crops. It was really difficult to adjust to the place and people. Their life style was different from mine, and they ate food that I did not like. Although it was not the first time that I was exposed to people who were different from me, this experience influenced my idea about relationships significantly. I felt that I was an alien around them and learned that I could be really different from people around me. I realized the importance of having friends who share the same background as me. After experiencing people who were completely different than me, I developed an appreciation for my friends in Seoul. I also started to miss my friends at my church and my college who are similar to me. I think that this experience has something to do with my changed attitude toward relationships. When I came back to America, I realized that I was a lot older than most people around me. Because of my age, I experienced difficulty finding people who can help me. For example, I had difficulty finding people who could give me a ride since most of people at my church were younger than me. People who were a lot younger than me had time to give me a ride, but they did not feel comfortable with me since I was a lot older than them. I found that young people have no problem getting help. There was one exchange student at my church who was born in 1984, and it seemed that she had no problem getting a ride. Since a lot of students at my church were in her age group, they felt comfortable hanging around with her
273 and offered her a ride. But, I do not have much to say when I am with people who are a lot younger than me, so it is uncomfortable asking them a ride. Even if they give me a ride, I have nothing to say in the car but superficial things. If I want to get close to them, I also have to see them often to maintain relationships. But, I do not have that kind of time. They constantly do something together, but I can only afford to join them once a month. So, it is not easy to get close to them. We have different personalities and different interests, and, most of all, we do not have the same amount of spare time. So, I only see them when I need their help. Although I do not want to do that, I have to contact them when I need a ride. It is difficult. I also struggled a lot interpersonally because I could not find a friend. I wanted to find a female friend in my age group who is also single and a graduate student, but it seems that most of people who I had a chance to get to know were a lot younger than me. It was surprising to me that I could not find a single female graduate student like me to socialize with. Maybe single female graduate students spend more time with single men and get help from them. I got to know students in my department, in my dormitory, at my job (library special collection section) or at my church, but most of them were a lot younger than me and I could not get closer to them because of the age gap between us. I did not feel comfortable socializing with people who are a lot younger than me because I do not believe that people who are a lot younger than me would be able to relate to my daily life experiences. So, I could not share my daily life experiences with younger people. I also do not think that we have the same interests and similar needs. For example, I could not socialize with undergraduate students, because they expected me to do everything with them, and I did not have that kind of time. Rationally, age should not matter when I develop friendships with others, but it seems that I have been always looking for friends in my age group. I want to share issues that people in my age group experience such as finding a mate with friends. I remember that, when I was younger, I did not worry about things that I worry about now. At this point in my life, my biggest task is to get married and have a family. So, I feel that I do not have time to socialize with younger people who are not interested in that. Another reason for having difficulty socializing with younger Koreans was that I felt that Korean students at my church seemed to prefer spending time with younger students. Anyway, I wanted a friend who was also busy with her studies most of the time, so we could spend time together during study breaks. If I had such friends, I wanted to go shopping, get exercise, go to the movie Theater or performance or have dinner together during our study break, but I could not find someone who could do those activities with me. It made me feel sad and depressed. I felt that if I had a friend with whom I could do activities together during study breaks, it would energize my life. I could not find people who have similar interests as me in America and I believe that it also contributed my difficulties finding a close friend. I have not met Koreans who
274 study English literature or liberal art since I came back. I suppose that I could develop close relationships with people in my department, but I haven‘t. One of the differences between the last time I was in America and this time is that, last time, I tried to speak in English only, did not call my friends and family in Korea, and did not eat Korean food. But, this time, everything is opposite. I wanted to speak in Korean, and spent more time with Koreans than Americans. I do not know why I did that. Perhaps it was because I felt more comfortable with life in America that I did not feel pressure to speak in English all the time to improve my English. Actually, before coming back to America for my doctoral degree, I thought about whether I want to socialize with Koreans or not. I often heard from other Koreans that it would be better not to socialize with Koreans in foreign countries. I also agreed with it because Korean communities in foreign counties are really small, and a lot of people have unpleasant experiences within the community. But, on the other hand, I thought that if I want to stay in America for a long time, it would be impossible not to have Korean food, not to speak in Korean, and not to socialize with Koreans. On top of that, my focus in my major is Korean theater. It would not make sense to be isolated from the Korean community while studying Korean theater. It would be a real irony. So, I decided to go to a Korean church this time. Last time, I went to an American church partially because there was no Korean church in my town. I regretted going to a Korean church for a while because I could not find friends who are in my age group there. I feel that if I socialized with American students in my department, I would at least have more chance to speak in English and could go to art exhibitions with them. I kept asking myself why I did not socialize with students in my department, but I am still not going to their parties even if they invite me. Anyway, I missed out on opportunities to socialize with my American classmates because I wanted to spend time with one of the female Korean graduate students at my church. I was close to her right after I started the Ph.D. program. She was one year younger than me and gave me a ride often. She studied music and spent most of her time practicing her musical instrument. Her only pleasure was going shopping on weekends, and I usually accompanied her because I did not want to stay at home alone on weekend. But the problem was that she usually stayed in the shopping mall too long, so I came back home too late to attend parties that were held by my classmates. I think that was my biggest mistake. Now, I am looking back, I feel that It would be better to socialize with my classmates in the beginning of the semester. I think that I choose to spend time with the Korean female graduate student at my church initially because, at that time, I was looking for a best friend in my age group and with whom I could share everything about my experiences. Especially right after coming to the current city, I depended on her because I could not do anything by myself. However, our relationship started to change somewhat after one of her distant cousins started a graduate
275 program in her department. I always sat in the passenger seat when I went shopping with her, but ever since her cousin joined our shopping, her cousin sat in the passenger seat, and I sat in the back seat. I did not like the new situation and was jealous of her cousin. I did not like her cousin. It was not the feeling that I had ever expected to experience, and I started to avoid them because I did not like to experience this unpleasant feeling. I think that I was possessive of her. I had never experienced that kind of relationship dynamic because I have always had a lot of friends in Korea. But, in America, she was my only friend and I depended on her too much. So, I separated myself from her. It seemed that they became best friends and spent most of their time together. Because they studied the same subject and had a similar life style, they could help each other, and have at least two meals together. It is frustrating that no one around me has a similar life style to me. Sometimes, I feel sad that I do not have a friend who can have a meal with me. One time, I told one of my male friends from my church that I would cook for him and his brother. So, he gave me a ride to the grocery store. I even bought a dessert. I am not a good cook, and it usually takes me a couple of hours to prepare a meal. He used to complain to me that he had to wait forever to eat my food. After the grocery shopping, I asked him to come back tomorrow to have a meal, so I could prepare food tonight, and he would not have to wait for hours to eat. I guess that he was not pleased with my suggestion. He said that he did not want to wait and did not want to eat my food anymore. It hurt my feelings. I already had too much food to eat by myself. I cried because I was too upset and called my mom to talk about it. Then, I called my friend who studies nursing. At that time, she told me that she could not come to eat with me because she had a date. I called another friend and she said that she could not see me that day. So, I called another friend and she said that she could not come because she was too far away from my place. At that time, I realized that no one could come to eat with me. My other roommates have many friends coming to visit them all the time, but I had nobody. I called my mom and told her that I felt too lonely. I cooked food, but no one could come to eat with me. I feel lonely in America, but when I was in Korea, I did not have time to feel lonely. There were always some kinds of events such as some friend‘s birthday party, some kind of group meetings or social gatherings that made me real busy. Sometimes I felt that I wanted to be alone and did not want to attend all the events. But, I had to attend all the events anyway, and that kept me real busy. However, I do not have such events in America. In America, I do not belong to any organizations and have no friends in my age group. Actually, there are a lot of social gatherings at my church, but I have not attended the meetings for a while. I attended church meetings a few times in the first year, but I stopped going to the meetings because people usually had a meeting too far away from my place, it was not really fun, people coming to the meeting were too young, and I was too busy with studies. But, I changed my mind lately. Since I decided to attend my church, it would be better to take time to get to
276 know people. In order to do that, I probably need to attend their meetings. So, I am planning to attend their gatherings if I have a chance. I knew a couple of Koreans whose age is close to mine. I have known them since I was in Korea although we were not very close. Both of them came to my school a year earlier than me. When I contacted them after arriving to my school, I was excited to see them because I was in a foreign country, but they did not seem to welcome me. Every time I saw them, they always told me that they were busy with their studies and were struggling with life in America. Whenever I asked them to hang out with me, they said that they were too busy to see me. It seemed that they already had friends in their age group. Last year, I had one American friend. She was my next door neighbor and was only one or two years younger than me. She studied nursing in the continuing education program. She studied real hard and exercised in the early morning. It would be great if I lived with her now, but at that time, I could not wake up early in the morning to exercise with her. She came back from exercise about 6: 30 in the morning and started to study. She had a boyfriend in another city, so, unless her boyfriend was in town, she went to watch movies, or saw performances, or got exercise with me. Now, she is in graduate school studying nursing, so she has been busier than me. She said that she goes to school at five thirty in the morning and does a practicum at the hospital. She contacted me a few times lately, and it seems that she has been less busy lately. She sent me an e-mail to ask me about any good performances that we could go to together, and she also said that she would like to go out to have dinner with me sometime. I feel that she can be a good friend. She dumped her boyfriend right after she got accepted to the nursing program in graduate school. Now, she is dating another guy. It seems that people in my age group are either already married or dating someone. It seems that one of the reasons why I have had difficulty finding a female friend is because all the women in my age group are more invested in meeting men than socializing with women. I realized that women in my age group are not interested in spending time with women. People in my department have been really considerate to me and expressed their interest in me. Maybe it is because I am the only foreigner from Asia in my department. I also found that students in my department are open minded people. Although I feel like I do not fit in because I am a foreigner, they have treated me the same way as they treat other Americans. It might be because they are more mature and have more life experiences than undergraduate students. Also, some of them are from California, so they may be used to having Asians around. Anyway, I found that everybody in my department including professors is open- minded and has been nice to me. There is one female graduate student in my program with whom I could develop a closer relationship, but she is really busy because she tries to complete her studies as fast as possible. She is 27 or 28 years old. She started the PhD. Program with me, but she already took her comprehensive exams. Because she got her Master‘s in the same program, she
277 completed all of the course work faster than me. So, it seems that she has more spare time now after passing her comprehensive exams. She called me to ask me if I could go to a concert with her after the exam. Since it was the first time she asked me to do an activity together, I said, ―Yes‖, although I was really busy with my studies at that time. It was a classical music concert, and one of her favorite female singer also performed at the concert. After the concert, she took a picture with the singer. After the concert, we chatted for a while, and she told me about the speed dating event that was offered by the school for graduate students. I remember receiving the e-mail about it, but I thought that perhaps only students who are ten years younger than me would go to that kind of event. I did not think that graduate students in my age group would go to such event. But, according to her, three other students from my department also went to the event. She said that she went there last year as well. So, I asked her, ―Why didn‘t you ask me to go there with you guys?‖ She told me that she did not think I would be interested in such event since she thought that I was socializing with Koreans through the Korean church. I thought that that made sense and asked her to inform me the next time she goes to such an event. She said that she has been busy meeting men who she met in speed dating since the event. After hearing her story, I realized that I had to be more active in finding a boyfriend instead of complaining about not having a friend or feeling bad about others not including me in their gathering. Two female students in my department seem to have more spare time, but they were born in 1984. I feel that they are too different than me. Both of them are American, and one of them has a boyfriend and the other does not have a boyfriend. The girl with a boyfriend visits her boyfriend some weekends, but usually they spend most of their time together. They are best friends. They started our program in the same year, and they have been taking care of each other. For example, if one person missed a meeting, the other person informed her of what we did at the meeting. They know of each other‘s schedule and exercise together. I wanted to have that kind of relationship, but it seems that it would be impossible to find someone with whom I can have that kind of relationship. My problem is that I do not have time to invest myself to develop that kind of relationship. One of my classmates invited me to their gatherings several times, and I went to a small dinner gathering at her place once because I felt bad about turning down her invitation repeatedly. I had a good time with them. My male classmates cooked all the food. When I saw that, I felt little bit obligated to cook Korean food for them. It made me feel uncomfortable because I was not good at cooking. Students in my department usually have a dinner gathering at home because they cannot afford to eat out often. On that day, one guy cooked an Italian dish, and the other guy cooked a Chinese dish. He said that he learned to cook Chinese food from his mom. He brought a rice cooker to cook rice. They cooked so well and I felt bad because I am not a good cook like them. I try to overcome that feeling by practicing cooking. As a matter of fact, my poor cooking skill is problematic when I try to
278 socialize with people in America. I wanted to cook for my American classmates, but I could not do that. There is no Korean dish that I can cook confidently. Lately, I made some progress in cooking. I asked my other Korean friends to give me recipes for several Korean dishes that are easy to make and cooked for my American friends. Now, I can cook some Korean dishes for my American friends. I believe that in order to get close to others, it is important to eat together. It would be good to invite potential friends home to cook Korean food for them instead of going to a restaurant to have a dinner. They may like to have home made Korean food. It has been really stressful that I could not cook for others. I attend a Korean church and the pastor at my church is nice to me, but I do not feel comfortable with him. He always insists that I should attend all the church meetings and activities like undergraduates do. He also tells me that I should take a break from studying more often. A few days ago, I attended a church meeting and wanted to leave the meeting with the couple who have a baby, but he insisted that I should stay there longer. Attending church meetings is time consuming. Whenever I come home from the church meeting, I have to wash my face and do other things before getting back to my studies. In addition, I only have limited time to take a break from studying, and there are a lot of things that I want to do when I have free time. Some people may have a lot of spare time, so they can afford to attend all the church meetings and still have extra time to socialize with their friends. However, I only have limited spare time, and if I spend all my spare time at church, I would not have time to do other things. I do not think the pastor at my church understands my situation. It is stressful to deal with him because he is inconsiderate. It seems that people at my church also expect me to attend their gatherings often, and I always feel bad about not being able to attend their gatherings as often as they want me to do. However, I cannot afford to spend that much time at church and I do not feel that other church members understand that. I want to find people who understand my situation, but it seems that it is impossible. My situation is closely tied to my condition which is an old single female international student. I don‘t know why it is really difficult to find people who understand my situation. It would be great if I could find someone who understands my situation, but my life would be much better if I could have a friend who can get exercise and go to a movie theater with me. When I was in Korea, I never had a problem finding people who could do such things with me. When I was in Korea, I was always busy attending social gatherings, and sometimes I wished that my friends left me alone. I had not experienced social isolation until I came to America, and I am not satisfied with my relationships with people in America. I believe that it is because I cannot find single female friends in my age group who are also interested in having a female friend. I found that even men in my age group are already married, and I do not think people who are already married can understand my experience. When I see other Korean graduate students, it seems that they have some friends who have something in common with them. For example, I know one Korean male graduate
279 student in the engineering department and it seems that he socializes with other Korean students in his department. He has no problem getting help from other Korean graduate students in his department and some older Korean graduate students even cook for him. I do not expect someone to cook for me, but I want to cook with other people. I have not had a chance to do that with others. Now, one male student at my church gives me a ride to church and helps me with my computer problems. Although he is younger than me, he is reliable and makes my life much easier. However, I feel little bit uncomfortable with him because I cannot really define our relationship. We are not really friends because I am a lot older than him, but he helps me a great deal. I have felt bad about being such a burden to him until I noticed that he also helps other people as well. It seems that he is always willing to help people out whether he is really busy or not. I have thought about ways to pay him back for all his help, but, I could not figure out what would be the best way to pay him back. If he were my friend, I could take him to a movie theater. I thought about taking him to a restaurant to treat him dinner, but it would feel awkward since I would need to ask him to give me a ride to the restaurant. I thought about buying a gift card for him, but I do not know what he likes. He also helped the church staff member a lot, and I heard him jokingly said to her that she should remember everything that he has done for her and should return his favor with a big gift. He also jokingly told me recently that I should prepare for something to return his favor. Anyway, if we were closer in age, we could be friends, and I would feel more comfortable receiving his help. Since I came back to America, I was longing to find a best friend. But I could not find one. My desire to find one special friend who can share activities with me and can understand me totally exhausted me. Lately, I gave up on the idea of finding a best friend and decided to focus on the here and now. Interestingly, once I gave up on that, I started to get to know more people. I am currently living in a house with many housemates, and I like my current living arrangement because my housemates are older, and some of them are from Turkey, Taiwan or Malaysia. I found that some of them are in a similar situation to me. They are older female graduate students who are busy with their studies most of the time. So, when we run into each other in the kitchen, we chat. Because we are in a similar situation, it is easier to have deep conversations and it is easy for me to understand their situation. I feel comfortable with them. Usually when we socialize with others, we also need to pay attention to the other person‘s needs. But with them, I do not have to do it. When we run into each other, we naturally start a conversation such as, ―I need to buy something. Do you need to go to a grocery store as well?‖, ―Did you watch the newly released movie?‖, ―Do you want to go to get exercise?‖, or ―Do you want to go outside to take a walk?‖ We ask each other if the other person is interested in joining the activity. But, even if the other person says that she cannot do it, we do not take it personally because we know that we can do the activity together next time. We are all busy with studies, so, we cannot always do things with the
280 other person. Because we all understand that we cannot be available for each other all the time, I feel comfortable turning down their invitations when I am busy. People with more spare time would stop inviting me to join their activities if I turn them down their invitation several times. They would think that I would never be available for them and move on to another person. But, my housemates are different. They do not expect anything from me, and that is the reason why I feel more comfortable with them. Sohee‘s story I mostly socialize with Koreans in America, but I do not have many Korean friends in America. I usually have small numbers of close friends. Especially in America, I feel even closer to my Korean friends because most of them are far away from their own extended family. They are like my extended family in America. I know more about my Korean friends in America than my friends in Korea. I got so close to my Korean friends in America to that I even know everything about their household items. I'm sure I would not get this close to my married friends in Korea. For example, in Korea, I rarely had a chance to see my friends‘ husbands and unless I was really close to my friend, and I would rarely spend time with my friend‘s family. But, I spend time with my friends‘ families often in America. I think that once Korean married couples come to America, they usually get closer to each other and have a more equal relationship than they would in Korea because they are far away from their country. Consequently, I think that Koreans socialize with their friends as couples more often than they would in Korea. That is another reason why I feel closer and more intimate with my Korean friends in America once we develop close relationships. I get to know my friends‘ entire family once I get close to them. I have a few American friends, but I have noticed that with my American friends, I do not feel that our relationships deepen as we spend more time together. I did not feel uncomfortable the first time I met them because they made me feel comfortable. Probably when Americans meet a new person, they try to make them feel comfortable. However, I do not experience any changes in those relationships no matter how many times I see them. I do not feel that we get closer to each other or we care about each other more as we spend more time with each other. It is strange. For example, with Korean friends, if I haven‘t talked to them for a while on the phone, I would miss them and would feel curious about how they were doing. I also would feel bad about not calling them more often. But with American friends, I do not experience any of these. No matter how many times I talk to them on the phone, I do not feel any closer to them. I also feel that my American friends do not care if I call them or not. I am not sure why I have such different experiences with my Korean friends than my American friends. Maybe it is my problem. Maybe I did not make them feel comfortable with me. Maybe I assume that I cannot share my feelings or core parts with them because they are American. I am more careful around Americans because I do not want to bother them. For
281 example, one of my American friends has a baby, and she is very strict about the baby‘s routine. She follows her baby‘s routine strictly hour by hour, and if the baby needs to go to bed by 7, everybody including her husband needs to be at home by 7, and they would not go outside after 7. My American friends socialize with others based on their own routine. They are very precise about their routine. If they are in a situation that does not allow answering the phone, they always tell me about the situation. If I make an appointment with my friend‘s family to have dinner, they honestly tell me that they need to go somewhere nearby, so they can go home before their child‘s bedtime. Then, they leave right after dinner. So, it limits our opportunities to spend time together. I am more careful around my American friends because I do not want to disrupt their routine. I think that there are some differences in my ideas about spending time with friends and that of Americans. I think that a husband could go out to have couple of drinks with friends after their baby goes to bed, but it seems that it is not acceptable, at least for my American friends. Their life revolves around their children's schedules. When I ask my American friends if it is okay to stop by their place, they always let me know what they have to do that day such as by what time their child has to go somewhere and/or by what time they have to be at home. They are very precise about their schedule so I do not feel comfortable calling them just because I want to talk to them. They are not available for me when I want to see them or talk with them. I make a conscious effort not to bother their routine. So I do not call them often and perhaps that is the reason why I experience psychological distance from them. Koreans do not enforce as strict a routine as Americans. If I ask Korean friends to visit us after dinner to have beers, they would just bring their kids to my place and would not care about breaking their children's routines much. I can always stop by my Korean friends‘ places and call them anytime I want. It is convenient. Some Koreans might be similar to my American friends, but I do not need to spend time with them because I can always find some Korean friends who I feel comfortable spending time with. Maybe my experiences with American friends have something to do with me not having a child yet. I may not understand the nature of family life style with children. In general, I feel more comfortable with Korean friends. Even when I socialize with Korean friends, I respect their family life. I usually leave their home before their husband comes home in the evening, or when they visit me, I encourage them to go home to fix dinner for their husband. However, my Korean friends do not follow a routine or plan for the day as strictly as Americans. So I feel comfortable calling them whenever I want to and I always feel welcomed by my Korean friends. I am a timid person and speaking in English makes me even more timid. I think that my personality has affected my relationships with Americans. In order to develop relationships with Americans, I have to engage in conversations with them such as
282 exchanging jokes. But, it is not easy to respond to their jokes or to initiate conversations with them. I found that it is easier for me to respond to their questions about me. I also experience my limitations in developing relationships with others. People are not always serious when they spend time together. So, it is necessary to say funny things at times when socializing with people. I can be funny when I speak in Korean, but it is difficult to be funny when I speak in English. I think it limits my relationship with other Americans. Lately, I am attending a beauty academy, and I have become close to some students at the academy. I found that I tend to get close to Americans who try to understand me. One of my friends is very considerate. She is cognizant of me being a foreigner and she always makes sure that I understand what she is talking about. She asks me if I understand everything and explains things that I don‘t understand. She sat by me on the first day of the school. I remember the first day of school. It seemed that every student in class started to talk to each other immediately, and I was sitting quietly alone. Then, she came late and sat by me. Later, she told me that when she saw me for the first time in the first day of school, my facial expression indicated that I did not want to talk to anyone. But, as she has gotten to know me, she discovered that I am a funny woman. She also said that probably other people have no idea how fun it is to be around me. She is always eager to try my food including Kimchi (fermented spicy cabbage), and she has always given me honest feedback about my food that she tried. She has never told me, ―No thank you‖, when I asked her if she wanted to try my food. I am a timorous person. So, I rarely suggest anything to others. But when I suggest something to others, my intention is trying to find some common ground between us. She made me feel more comfortable with her by responding to my suggestion positively. She is ten years younger than me, but I do not feel she is younger than me. When I take the same class with her, I feel more secure. She tries to accommodate my needs since she understands my struggles. Our class schedule was different once, and she changed her schedule to take the same class as me. Another time, the instructor asked us to pair up with one of the classmates and prepare a presentation in class. Because she knew that I do not feel comfortable talking in front of big crowd, she asked me to draw a picture. I was pointing to the picture while she explained the picture to the classmates. She is mature and considerate. My other friend at school is biracial. She looks Hispanic but she acts and thinks like American. She speaks in Spanish at home, but she avoids speaking in Spanish in public because she feels that it disadvantages her. She does not speak in Spanish even if she has a Hispanic client. She was the one who had the most problem with my English. Whenever she does not understand what I say, she does not hesitate to tell me that she does not understand. She always makes me remember my difficulties with English. So, I tried to stay away from her initially, but now, we have a good relationship because she tried to get close to me. She honestly tells me about her difficulties with understanding my English, but it seemed that she has never thought that it could hurt my pride. She is single and I am married, so we have
283 different life styles. We do not have a lot of things in common. Sometimes I think that we misunderstand each other because she communicates in American style, but I interpret her in Korean style. One time, she invited me to go to a pet store. I have never had a pet in my life so I do not know much about pets. I saw a litter box at the store and told her that it is fancy. She responded to me, ―Right, your culture does not rear cats. Your culture eats cats‖. Her comment made me upset. So I responded, ―Am I Chinese? Only Chinese eat cats‖. She apologized and said that she was mean to me. Although we have had some moments like that, she has often invited me to different social events and seems to care about me. She even started to try Korean food lately although, initially, she did not want to try my food. My husband is American, but I do not experience a cultural barrier much because he knows a lot about Asian culture. He has lived for many years in Asia - two years in China and five years in Korea. Even if he experiences some cultural differences between us, he does not make it an issue. He understands Korean culture well. For example, he knows that Koreans are crazy about soap operas. So he understands me watching Korean soap operas all of the time. He also knows that Koreans like Karaoke. He understands Korean‘s drinking culture and rough driving style. Probably my culture around preparing food is the biggest cultural barrier that he experiences with me. The wife is supposed to cook meals and set up tables for the husband in Korea, but he does not think it is necessary. He appreciates when I cook for him, but he does not think I have to do it for him. My in-laws are another set of people with whom I associate in America. I think that cultural differences have somewhat affected my experience of our relationship. My in-laws are very individualistic and they do not do anything without a plan. One example is that if they did not invite us for a meal, even if we visit them around the meal time, they have never asked us to have a meal with them. If they want to do something with us, they always ask our opinion and make a plan. They also do not expect us to take care of their needs. Even when they came to visit us to Korea, they made a reservation for a hotel in Seoul and took care of everything for themselves. They always ask our opinion and preference and try to not bother us. It seems that they are setting a clear boundary between me and them and do not believe that families should share everything. They are considerate but I was not familiar with their way of relating to family members. It is totally different from what I would expect from Korean in-laws. I was expecting more close and intimate relationships with in-laws. My mom has taught me the importance of expressing respect and fulfilling my responsibility for parents-in-law since I was young. I thought that, if I got married, I had to live with my parents-in-law and cook breakfast for them in the morning. But I realized that my parents-in- law do not expect those kinds of things from me, and they are good at taking care of themselves. I thought that I had to call my parents-in-law at least once a week, but it seems that they do not care much about that either. Also, it seems that they are happy with whatever gift that I get for them regardless of the price. I thought initially that they would treat me
284 differently because I am from another country, but I found later that they do that to everyone. It took me a while to adjust to my in-laws‘ style of relating to me, but I have gotten used to it. I feel fortunate to have parents-in-law like them. Adjustment in America Jun‘s story It is my second time in America, and I have lived in this city for almost four years. I have not experienced any problems living in America as a student. I live close to the college campus, and my University has a lot of international students. People in this city have been exposed to foreigners growing up, so they accept foreigners as a part of the community. Sometimes I forget that I am a foreigner in my community. About 10 years ago, I lived in a different city for several months. That city was a little bit different than the city where I live now. The majority of people in that city were white and they belong to the upper middle class. Most of them were either students or retirees. There were not many foreigners or other racial minorities in that city. It seemed that people in that city recognized foreigners, and I remember that some of them looked at me with curious eyes. I do not have interactions like that in the city where I live now. Adjustment, in my opinion, is changing in ways that are necessary for survival. People adjust themselves when they come to a new culture. However, adjustment does not mean that one becomes a part of the new culture completely. In order to be a part of the new culture, one has to identify oneself with the new culture. I think that it is possible to adjust oneself to a foreign environment, but it is not easy to go beyond that and feel completely comfortable. For a foreigner, it would be difficult to fully understand the system of the new country. I do not think Koreans put much effort into identifying themselves with American society. They only make minimal adjustments to live in America. I believe that immigrants should try hard to identify with the American culture, but I do not see that from Korean immigrants. I heard that Chinese immigrants are the same way. I think that they do not put much effort in identifying with American culture because Asians have a tendency to cling to their homeland and roots. They are used to living in a homogeneous society, and they are afraid of losing the purity of their own culture. However, if I did not have to go back to Korea after finishing my studies, I would spend more time with Americans and other immigrants rather than spending time with Koreans. If I settle down in America, I would try my best to assimilate into the American society. As for my own adjustment, other people would say that I have successfully adjusted to American life, but I do not completely agree with them. I would say that I have only adjusted about 40% because my adjustment did not meet my expectations. Other people think I have adjusted well because, from their perspective, I talk with Americans a lot and have traveled many places in America. I may appear that way because I can talk about detailed
285 facts about different places in America when people talk about their traveling experiences. However, the truth is that I am just good at remembering things that I see and experience. But, other people think that I have experienced America more than them, and therefore, that I have adjusted to American life well. What helped my adjustment in America was mass media such as T.V. news and radio programs. I learned about America and American life through watching TV and listening to the radio. Although I have had a lot of cultural and daily life experiences in America, I only have experienced superficial aspects of American culture because I have failed to develop close relationships with Americans. For example, even though I have lived in America for years, I do not know much about what Americans usually have for meals, what Americans do to have fun, what Americans are interested in, and what activities they enjoy participating in. Koreans assume that Americans eat meat everyday, but it may not be true. I do not know what they actually eat because I have not eaten out with Americans and haven‘t been invited to their place for dinner. I only have experienced American culture from the outside because I have not had a chance to be associated with Americans more closely. Even though I am experiencing America more closely than when I was in Korea, I still observe the culture as an outsider. I observe Americans closely, but I still do not know who they are. Probably my sense of feeling like an outsider is not as strong as immigrants who have to live in America permanently would feel, because I know I will leave this country eventually. So, I do not have a strong need or time to invest to become a part of the culture. Time restraints also have interfered with my adjustment to America. I would say that it was the biggest reason for my difficulties with adjustment in America. I could not develop close relationships with Americans because I only have limited time in America. I feel pressure to focus on my studies instead of spending time making friends. Of course, I could make time to invest in developing relationships with Americans, but, psychologically, I felt that I could not afford to do it. It takes up too much time and energy. If I had unlimited time in America, I would take a different approach to my American life. I believe that people planning to go back to their country after finishing their studies and planning to settle down in America for the rest of their life should take different approaches to their life in America. Most of the Korean students socialize with other Korean students since they have time restraints, but if they want to settle down in America, they need to socialize with Americans to learn about American life. If they want to settle down in America, they need to expand their social network. They have to learn about how to buy a house in America, what they need to do to raise children in America, American school systems, and so forth. International students do not know much about those kinds of things. There are other factors that have made my adjustment to America difficult such as language, cultural barriers, differences in life style and everyday experiences between Korea and America. Although I was already exposed to American culture in Korea, there are certain
286 things that can only be acquired by living in the environment. For example, I struggle with colloquial English, because I am not used to it. My lack of knowledge about the specific details about American culture also affects my adjustment. For example, at a restaurant, sometimes I do not know what to order because of my lack of experience in American restaurants. Specifically, let‘s say I want to order a steak. Although I know what a steak is, I do not know about every single kind of steak that American restaurants offer. So I do not know how to order the steak that I want to have (in American restaurants). I only had a few kinds of steaks in Korea. After coming to America, I realized that there are many more kinds of steaks. In addition, because many different cultures co-exist in America, there are wide varieties of foods in America. For example, in Korea, we order a bowl of a salad, and then we get the bowl of salad without specifying what kind of salad that we want to order. But in America, there are so many kinds of salads and salad dressings, which make ordering a bowl of a salad rather complicated. I believe that an important aspect of adjusting to a new environment is developing close relationships with others. In that regard, I do not think I have adjusted well in America since I have failed to develop close relationships with Americans. The reality is that I am surrounded by Koreans in America, although there are more Americans than Koreans in America, and I live my life in much the same way as when I was in Korea. This is one sign that I am not well adjusted in America. In my opinion, cultural adjustment is surface level adjustment, and it is easier to achieve if a person tries. But, adjustment that includes interpersonal relationships is not something that is easy to achieve. Mirae‘s story There are several factors that make my life in America difficult. The first thing is my lack of mobility. Since I cannot drive, I cannot go anywhere by myself. The second thing is our financial situation. Because my husband is a student, he cannot make as much money as he used to when he was working, and I cannot work in America due to my visa status. It has been stressful and sometimes I feel dispirited because of our financial situation. However, I do not think these difficulties have affected my adjustment to America. Fortunately, I have made a lot of good friends and that helped my adjustment here. In addition, learning about American culture through my ESL classmates, watching TV news or drama, hearing my husband‘s experiences at school, and interacting with my ESL teacher have helped my adjustment in America. I do not have a lot of direct exposure to American culture due to lack of opportunity, so, mostly, I have learned about America indirectly. The first year in America was difficult. I felt frustrated because I could not understand English. I felt lonely and bored because I did not have any friends. But I have gotten used to life in America. Now I am satisfied with the psychological and emotional aspects of my life in America since I have more time to contemplate, but I feel that I do not live a productive life in America because I do not produce anything tangible.
287 There are several incidents that I have experienced in America that have been somewhat difficult to understand. Less than a month after we moved into our apartment, we received a letter stating that we had to leave our apartment because we did not pay our gas bill. I could not understand that because we had paid the gas bill. Later, we found that the gas company made a mistake in processing our bill. We received the eviction letter twice. I was surprised by the way the American system deals with such issues. That kind of thing does not happen in Korea. They sent an eviction notice without making sure that we did not really pay for the bill. It was the most surprising thing that I experienced in America. I had similar experiences a few more times, but they didn't include an eviction notice. I found that we were often blamed for the phone company, gas company, or credit card company‘s mistakes. It is not easy to argue with them because of our communication difficulties in English. It is not really racism but linguicism. When my husband had a car accident, it was the other person‘s fault, and the other person admitted her mistakes to my husband. However, when she talked to our insurance agency, she blamed my husband for the accident. She totally changed her story. Although the accident was not our fault, our insurance company was not nice to us either because we did not speak good English. After experiencing such things, I thought that it would not be easy to live in America if I had to take care of everything for myself. I like many things about America, but I think I will run into a lot of problems if I want to fit into American society. Since I am not a student and don't have a job here in America, the language barrier has not been a major problem for me. But if I had to make a living in America permanently, language would be the biggest challenge. I cannot freely communicate in English. Because of my difficulties with communication, I may not be able to protect my own rights. At times, I might be blamed for things that I did not do but might not be able to prove my innocence. In addition, I feel that it would not be easy to live in America as an Asian. I am visibly different from the majority of Americans. Some Hispanics look European, but Asians look visibly different from Europeans. I would not feel totally American even if I lived in America forever because of my appearance. I think that it would not be easy for a Korean who immigrates as an adult to be assimilated into the American society. The more I live in America the more I am certain about this idea. When I observe other Koreans, I find that they are not well integrated with American main stream society. They appear to have difficulty giving up Korean values and ways of thinking, and even though Koreans live in America, they live within the Korean community in America. I feel that they do not make enough effort to fit into the American society. They do not make changes to assimilate into American society, but expect the American society to change. I believe that if Koreans want to live in America, they should make changes to fit into American society. For example, the American party culture is different from the Korean party culture. Americans eat pizza and drink beer while socializing with people at a party whereas the Korean party is centered on eating food.
288 I think if Koreans want to live in America, they should work hard to change themselves to adjust to the American society. In my opinion, older Koreans in America have difficulties making changes to fit in. So they live in America as Korean. It could be a good thing or bad thing, but if I had to stay in America, I would try to change myself to fit into American culture and society. I think I have only experienced American culture on the surface level. I don‘t think I have had a chance to experience American culture as an insider because I only stay at home in America. I have lived in America as a wife of an international student. As a matter of fact, I have lived in America, but I was not successfully assimilated into American life. I do not get much chance to speak in English nor have I had American friends. I have observed American culture from the outside while living in America as a Korean. I think that it is not too bad. I think that I could see more positive aspects of American culture because I could only experience the surface of American culture. If I could experience more than surface level of the culture, I would experience more similarities between Korean culture and American culture. I believe that the way people live is the same regardless of the culture. For example, I see division among people from different classes in Korea such as middle class, high class, etc., and I could probably see such division in American culture if I really experienced American culture. Maybe the gap between different classes is larger in America. I think I have not truly experienced American culture because I was not active enough to go into American culture to experience it. I have lived like an outsider in America. I also do not think I have truly experienced American life. After I came to America initially, I stayed home all the time and rarely went out. I have lived in the same place since I came to America. One of my Korean friends came to visit me a few months ago and, at that time, my neighbors had an argument with each other. They were cussing at each other, and it was the first time I heard Americans saying cuss words to another person other than from TV dramas or movies. It was surprising and interesting to me because it was my first time witnessing such a thing, so I told my Korean friend, ―Hey look at them. They are cussing at each other.‖ My friend asked me if it was my first time hearing people saying cuss words. Then she said that she used to hear it everyday when she was living in Maryland. She had a lot of experiences in America such as attending school, working, taking care of everyday tasks in America by herself, and living in a poor neighborhood. So she has some good experiences and some bad experiences in America. I have lived in a nice neighborhood and people are gentle and nice, so it took me four years to witness people cussing at each other. I think that my experiences in America are limited. So although I have lived in America, I am not sure if I have really experienced American life. I do not think I have lived like an American in America. I was sheltered in America like a princess in a castle. I do not have to make money and do not have to go somewhere to do something in America. I only hear people saying nice things to me, and no one has told me anything bad. I have not even
289 experienced racism. So, if someone asks me about American life, I do not feel confident to respond to that question because I have not really experienced American life. In a way, I did not have to adjust in America like other immigrants have to. Of course going to the grocery store was difficult initially, but I did not have to work to make a living in America. Compared to my life in Korea, I was more sheltered in America. I did not have to take care of anything. I have a lot of regrets about my life in America. I feel that if I were more aggressive in searching for new experiences or if I had prior experiences of living in a foreign country, I would have been able to try more new things. I regret that I have not tried more things in America. I do not do a lot of things because I tend to worry about the way I am be perceived by others and have a lot of restrictions. But still, I feel that I have missed a lot of opportunities to try different things. If I have an opportunity to live in a foreign country again, I will learn to drive first so I could go to places such as libraries, museums, and exhibitions by myself. I would learn and experience the culture instead of focusing on the emotional and psychological aspects of life, and try to be more active in relationships instead of being passive. Minho‘s story Language was the most challenging thing in my life in America. Although my ability to comprehend and perform the tasks was not totally affected by my English, my difficulties with English made my life difficult in America. Sometimes my English restricted my opportunities in America. For example, when I had financial difficulties, I was looking for ways in which I could get some financial support and found a GA position. In order to apply for the position, I had to receive three letters of recommendation from professors. At that time, there was one faculty member who I considered to be my advisor because I had attended his research meeting for eight months. I asked him if he could write a recommendation letter for me. He responded that he did not think my English was good enough for the position. It was a difficult experience for me because at that time, I desperately needed some financial support to continue my education in graduate school. Most Koreans would agree that English education in Korea focuses too much on English grammar. Koreans in my generation studied English from junior high to high school, but we spent too much time mastering English grammar in our English classes. In my opinion, grammar is easier to study if one is committed to learn it. I believe that difficulties with English grammar can be overcome by practice. From my experience of living in America and trying to get used to English, I found that my limited English vocabulary has been the most troublesome. Unlike English grammar, which can be mastered if one works hard to learn, common English vocabularies are not easy to learn. I found that the English vocabularies that I learned in my English classes are not useful in America. It seems that most words Americans use are different from the ones that we learned in our English classes. Of course there are some exceptions such as the ―be‖ verb. Also, when I read Reader‘s Digest, I
290 realized that I there were a lot of words that Americans often use, but I have never studied. It almost feels like that there are two groups of English vocabularies, and we are taught group A vocabulary but Americans actually use group B vocabulary in their everyday conversations. Americans use practical vocabulary that I have never seen in our textbooks. It is difficult. I think it would be more helpful if advanced English courses in Korea taught practical vocabulary from sources such as magazines instead of teaching TOEFL. I am a foreigner in America and sometimes my status makes me behave differently from when I was in my country. Particularly, I remember situations where I held myself back although I was upset because of my foreigner status. One time, I was driving my car a little bit fast on the narrow street and saw a person on a bike. I stopped the car quickly and waved my hand to express my apology. But he gave me a hand gesture of ―fuck you.‖ It was not the only time I experienced that. When I learned English for four years in the Korean military academy from an American teacher, I was taught that slangs are low class English and we should not use them. I felt really insulted, but did not do anything about it. Even if I were in Korea and experienced the same situation, I would try not to make a big deal of it because I wouldn‘t want the other person to damage my car. Usually I do not fight with others unless the situation is really serious because I generally believe that not fighting is winning. But if I have to fight, I would not hesitate if I were in Korea. But, in America, sometimes I do not fight because of my status. I heard that I can be deported if I have any legal trouble. Another time, I was driving my car in the apartment complex, and there was a minor collision between my car and another car. We both checked our cars after the collision. I found that the other car was okay, but there was a big scratch on my car. The women in the other car were smiling at me and said that they felt sorry about my car, but the man said that I should watch what I was doing with a threatening attitude. He also said that he would call a policeman. If I were in Korea, I wouldn‘t have any problem with having a police in the scene, but because I did not want to have any legal problem on my record, I kept saying, ―I am sorry.‖ Although these situations are not important situations, it still bothers me. I also have experienced a lot of difficulties because of my status in America. Whether I could enroll for the next semester or not is up to my advisor since he was the source of financial support for me. I found that American students have opportunities to apply for scholarships. So they have more financial resources than me. For example, one of my friends is married to a Korean American, and his wife said that she does not spend much money for her education because she is eligible to apply for various scholarships. I remember that when I attended college in Korea, several scholarships were available for college students who were doing well academically. Considering that, it makes sense that American universities offer scholarships for American students who are doing well academically. Financial difficulties have challenged my life in America. I have a friend who transferred from the Korean military academy to the university I am attending now. He graduated from
291 the undergraduate program at my university with high GPA, but he could not apply for any scholarships. That kind of story gives me no hope about getting a scholarship in America as a foreigner. That also makes me feel less motivated to get good grades. It is difficult to deal with relative deprivation as a foreigner when I see American students having more chance to utilize financial resources. I was in Australia for a while to study English and, at that time, I did not have to buy a car. I could use public transportation since they have a well developed public transportation system, and I lived within walking distance of the school. Before I came to America, I asked one of my friends in my city about the conditions for living. He said that it takes about five minutes to twenty minutes to go to different places in town. I asked him if it is walking distance, and he said that it is driving distance. I was devastated when he said that because it meant that I had to buy a car. Because I did not have much money, I had to buy an old car that might require a lot of money for the maintenance. Money and experience of relative deprivation from both American students and other international students made my life difficult. Other things were okay. Although I have experienced some difficulties due to language, limited financial resources, and my foreigner status in America, I would say that I adjusted to America fairly well. I believe that first of all, one has to have no problem with food and shelter in order to adjust well in a new environment. Civilians may not understand the importance of food and shelter, but I learned the importance of taking care of the basic things in the army. There are several officers, including the human resource officer, the intelligence officer, the strategy officer, and the ammunition officer, in the army, and each of them has different responsibilities. The human resource officer manages military troops, the intelligence officer collects secret information, the strategy officer figures out ways to defeat the enemy, and the ammunition officer is in charge of food, shelter, clothes, finding a place to take a shower, etc. Before soldiers go out for war training, the ammunition officer gives a speech to soldiers to provide them a salutary lesson, and then the battalion commander asks the ammunition officer, ―We will move to the training place tomorrow. Who will drive the car and what will we eat at the training place?‖ If the ammunition officer cannot respond to the question immediately, the battalion officer cusses at the ammunition officer and says, ―If you cannot take care of the basic things, salutary lessons are meaningless.‖ I think this comment influenced me deeply. When I came to America, I brought 10,000 dollars, and had 7,000 dollars in my savings account in Korea. Eventually, I had to bring the 7,000 dollars from my saving account in Korea. Like most of the international students, I needed money desperately. I enrolled full time in the first semester, but in the second semester, I enrolled part time to save money. After that, I stayed illegally for a while because I did not have enough money to enroll for classes. If I ran out of money, I would not have any food to eat. Eventually, I
292 completed my studies even though I struggled financially. My parents sent me $20,000 to help me out. With that help, I successfully managed my money to survive through graduate school. Considering my financial situation, I think I did well. A lot of international students say that they do not have enough money or their parents cannot afford to help them out financially. In my case, if I asked my parents to send me more money than the 20,000 dollars that they already sent to me, they would have had to find a job and sell their house to generate money. I would not want them to make such a sacrifice. I survived in America with limited recourses without asking them for more financial support. I am proud of myself for doing that. I would give 100 out of 100 to myself for my adjustment in America. I believe that my will power and physical health helped my adjustment in America. I was 30 years old when I came to America. Although there isn‘t such a thing as a good or a bad job, I consider myself as having had a successful career in the military in Korea. I graduated from the Korean military academy, and, if I had not left the army, I would have been promoted to a lieutenant colonel without any effort. If I did well, I would have been promoted to a colonel without any problem. But I left the military to go to graduate school. It is almost like I burned my bridges. If I went back to Korea without a degree, I would be considered to be a complete failure. My older brother did not want me to take such a risk. So he found several positions and scheduled job interviews for me. I did a job interview for a technical sales position at an insurance company that guaranteed salary of $50,000 and did a job interview with Samsung electronics. I was told that if I signed the contract, I could work at the human resource department in Samsung electronics. It was a tempting offer. However, I did not want to work at the human resource department or an insurance company. I wanted to be a researcher. In order to be a researcher at an engineering company, I had to have at least a master‘s degree. I knew what I wanted, so I had to do whatever I had to do to achieve my goal. My situation was almost like that I was in a war and my only weapon was a pistol while the enemy was shooting a cannonball, but I could not give up the fighting to protect my country. My willpower helped me to continue with my studies when I was in a bad condition in America. One semester, I think it was the third semester, I was determined to study hard. So I shaved my hair, made my lunch and dinner box in the morning, and studied all night at a study room. I booked a study room in the library at that time. I slept in the study room for several hours on the chair. The following morning, I went back home to have breakfast and fixed my lunch and dinner. At that time, I did not enroll for the classes because I did not have money, but I was auditing a class. Luckily, I had the physical stamina to live that kind of life since I had been getting exercise for years before I came to America. It was helpful. I think that I did not plan well ahead of time before I came to America. I did not have much information about studying in America. One of my friends told me once that he was not sure if I used reliable sources when I picked graduate programs to apply to. I did not know a lot of universities in America. I did not even know Virginia Tech. I picked three graduate
293 programs from the top ranking schools, three from middle ranking, and three from lower ranking schools. I wanted to apply for 11 schools, so I found two more schools to apply around ranking 20. I did not have much guidance about how to choose a graduate program to apply for, so I thought that any state university would be good to go to. I came to America to study without any preparation because I did not know what to expect. Regarding the TOEFL, I scored a 590 on a similar test a year before I applied for graduate school in America So I thought that I would get a good score in the TOEFL as well. I did not attend any TOEFL preparation classes and prepared for the TOEFL all by myself. When I took the actual TOEFL, my score was 550. When I got the score, my dilemma was whether to take the TOEFL one more time or submit my score because the minimum score required for applying for many graduate schools was 550. I took the GRE without proper preparation either. I did not know that I would take the computerized GRE. I ended up not having enough time to solve all the math problems and got only 710 from quantitative test. As you know, most of the Koreans get the perfect score from quantitative test. My verbal score was just 400. I was not sure if I could be accepted to graduate school with such a score, but I applied to graduate school anyway. I did not take the GRE again because it was too expensive. It was $140. As I said, I was not well prepared for coming to America to study, but I survived through all the difficult years. I think I adjusted well considering my circumstances. My adjustment did not cost much money. Yuri‘s story It is my second time in America. I was in America for fifteen months several years ago working on my master‘s degree. I went back to Korea after completing the master‘s program and stayed in Korea for one and half years and came back again to work on my PhD. My experiences of adjustment in America were different between the first time and the second time in America. First time in America The university that I attended to work on my master‘s degree has a small theater department, and it only has a master‘s program in graduate school. Their program was more focused on undergraduate education. So, I was not fully satisfied with the quality of education that I received from that school. However, because it was my first exposure to an English speaking education system, I had to put in extra time and effort to understand class materials, and I was not capable of studying difficult materials. In a way, it helped my initial adjustment to the American educational system because I was not pressured to give professional presentations in class or write profound papers. I was not stressed out about school work because classes were relatively easy and it was not much different from what I studied in Korea. Many students in my department were from rural areas, and they were kind and naïve. Some students in my department were from India. Everything was relatively good, but I felt somewhat confined when I talked with students in my department because I felt that
294 my classmates did not have experience with other cultures like I did. I felt confined by other students‘ narrow perspectives. But, at the same time, I also acknowledged my lack of knowledge about American culture. Although I did not have a lot of problems adjusting to academic life in America, my adjustment to social life in America was not great. Most of all, in spite of my desire to mingle with my American classmates, I had difficulty communicating with them due to my problems with English. I could not express myself and communicate my ideas in English as I do in Korean, and it affected my adjustment. In addition, I could not understand their slang and dialects. I used to eat out with them, but I could not digest the food because I got too frustrated when I could not understand what they were talking about. So, I ended up avoiding going to restaurants with them and thought that I needed time to improve my listening skills. I had one female friend from the Philippines. We were very similar. We also went to the same church. Because her English was as good as the native English speakers‘, she could afford to socialize with people and watch TV besides studying. So, she could do everything that I wanted to do with her and we used to go to a movie theater or concert together. Having a friend who was always available for me made my adjustment much easier. I believe that, at that time, I had more chances to make friends because I was younger and had more time than the second time in America. When I came to America for the first time, my goal was finishing up my master‘s thesis, and I achieved it. I only stayed in America for about 15 months, but I had some fun memories from that experience. I do not recall any difficulties with adjusting to a new environment the first time I came to America. At that time, I did not even have to think about adjusting to a new environment because I only focused on my studies. I really enjoyed the beautiful nature of the town and liked to be far away from Korea because I was sick and tired of living in a polluted city and dealing with other things in Korea. I enjoyed every single aspect of the life in a small town in America. I even thought that it was fun to walk back from a grocery store with my Filipino friend. I did not drive a car, but that town was so small that I did not need a car to go to places in town. Second time in America Overall adjustment The second time coming to America as an older single female, I found more difficulties than the first time such as trouble getting a ride and experiencing daily life struggles. First of all, I do not have a car, so it is difficult to go grocery shopping. I had difficulty finding a ride and finding people who are willing to help me. I could not understand why it was so difficult to find people who could help me to go buy things for settling down. For example, I had to buy a USB memory stick, but did not know where I could buy it. People told me that I should go to the Best Buy or Micro Center, but I did not know where they were located. I had to ask several people to get a ride to a store to buy a USB memory
295 stick, and I felt pathetic. Later, I realized that my age has something to do with my initial experiences in my current school. I have difficulty getting help from others because I am a lot older than many other Korean students. I found that other doctoral students in my age are either too busy to help me with grocery shopping or already married and live far away from the campus. So, they have no reason to go grocery shopping with me. People who can go grocery shopping with me are usually Americans who are more than 10 years younger than me or Chinese students, but I do not feel comfortable socializing with them because of the age differences. Korean students at my church are usually 23, 24 or 27 years old, and it seems that they prefer spending time with younger students. When I was in my previous school, there was an older couple who took care of me a lot. They invited me to dinner, went grocery shopping with me and sometimes bought me Korean groceries. Although I did not eat Korean food often at that time, I could cook some Korean food because of their help and I really appreciated their help. But, now, I live in a city where there are two Korean grocery stores, but I cannot go there often because I do not have a car. Before coming back to America again, I probably unconsciously expected that there would be someone who would help me to settle in. Right after I came to the current city, I went to the biggest Korean church in town, but could not find a ride. There were hundreds of Koreans in the church, but they did not know who could give me a ride. While attending that church, a different person gave me a ride every weekend. There was one female student who offered me a ride, but it seemed that she felt uncomfortable when she found out that I was older than her. She gave me a ride a few times, and then told me that it would be difficult for her to continue to give me a ride because I lived too far away from her place. I feel that my age has a major impact on my relationships with Koreans and my adjustment. It is natural for older people to take care of younger people, but it is unnatural for younger to take care of older people in Korean culture, and I realized later that I am too old to receive help from others. Even after I switched church to the current church, I was under a lot of stress because I could not get help from others. I still had the expectation that someone would help me out because I still had no clue about how my age affected my experiences. At that time, one of the church staff members helped me to understand my experience. She told me that I had reached an age that I should take care of younger people. I am the oldest student at my church, so I should offer help to other younger students. But, I did not have a car and could not afford to buy a car. I felt that if I were in the master‘s program, it would be much easier to get help. There was one female student who is four years younger than me, and we live in the same dormitory. It seemed that she had no problem getting a ride to a grocery store or a shopping mall. She was closer in age to other students at my church, so she had more comfortable relationships with other church members. Because I was a lot older than other students at my church, they did not feel comfortable with me. It was difficult to be the oldest in the crowd.
296 I would say that my first year in the current school was the most difficult year for me. In addition to experiencing difficulties getting help, I did not have financial support from the department, and was not sure if I would be able to receive any financial support in the future. Another problem was that, if I could have come to the current school about a month early to explore the city by bus, my adjustment would have been easier. But I came back to America one week before the semester started. So, I did not have time to learn about the city until the summer break. Because I did not know anything about the city, I struggled more. I do not drive a car, and it has had a major impact on my adjustment in America. I live in a city where the quality of life is heavily influenced by whether the person has a car or not. If I were in Korea, I could take subway or bus to visit anyone I wanted to see, but, in America, I cannot go anywhere without others giving me a ride and that makes me feel really sad. Not having a car has also affected the quality of my life in America. If I had a car, I would be able to go to a movie theater, a park or shopping mall by myself to refresh my mind like I did in Korea. But, sometimes, I am not sure if I would go to a shopping mall alone even if I had a car. Sometimes I am not sure if my real problem is not having a friend who can enjoy activities with me or not having a car, but not having a car has definitely affected my life in America. I think that, at this point, my biggest problem is that I do not have friends with whom I can go shopping, get exercise, or have dinner together. It makes me feel sad and depressed. If I had a friend with whom I could do activities together during study breaks, it would energize my life and make my life in America much easier. But I cannot find one. I want to have a female friend who is as busy with her studies as me, so, we can go to a movie theater, go shopping, or go somewhere to relax during our study break. I am not satisfied with my relationships with people in America and it makes my life miserable. Undergraduate students usually want to do everything with their friends, but, because I do not have that kind of time, I cannot socialize with them. It is hard to find people who have the same needs as me. It was surprising to me because I thought that there would be a lot of single female students who were in the same situation as me. I have worried a lot about possibilities to find a mate and completing my study. That makes my life difficult nowadays. I wish I could find someone who can give me answers for all my problems, but I have not found one yet. I want to find a teaching job in America after completing my studies, but I am not sure if it will be possible. I want to have a friend with whom I can talk about those kinds of things, but I have not met anyone from Korea who studies my major or liberal arts. Most of the Korean students I know study engineering or are preparing for studying pharmacy or dentistry. I feel frustrated. Another thing that has made my life in America more stressful is my inability to treat people the way I would like to. I am one of the oldest students at my church, and I feel that I should take care of younger students at my church somehow. I thought that I should invite the
297 younger students to my place to serve fruits or cook meals for them. In addition, since I was getting help from younger Korean students, I wanted to express my appreciation. However, unlike when I was in Korea, I could not find an appropriate place to take them out in my city. In addition, since everybody is busy with their studies, it would be awkward to ask them to make time so I could take them to dinner or something. Most Koreans usually cook at home to entertain others, but I was not good at cooking and my place did not have a kitchen. If I wanted to cook for others, I would have to do it at their place. It was too stressful not to be able to cook for younger Korean students due to the constraints in my situation. So, I am planning to move to an apartment where I can practice cooking in my kitchen and invite people to eat my food. I want to invite the church members at least once to twice per semester since I have been getting help from many people at my church. It is not easy to invite them every time they help me because it would be too expensive. Even if they did not help me, I would like to cook for them as an older sister. Other Korean church members in my age group are married and have their own place, so, they can offer their place for Bible study and other things. But, I have not had my own place because I always shared a house with housemates or lived in a dormitory. I am not satisfied with my living arrangement because I cannot invite my church members to my place. It limits things that I can do for them. My poor cooking skills were problematic when I tried to socialize with Americans as well. I visited my American classmates a couple of times, and, at that time, my male classmates cooked food for us. I felt that I should cook for them as well, but there was no Korean dish that I could cook confidently for my classmates. Several months ago, I cooked Korean food for some of my American classmates. I asked my other Korean friends to give me recipes for several Korean dishes that are easy to make. At that time, I invited my American friends who are not good cooks. I wanted to introduce Korean food to my American classmates and wanted to get closer to them through sharing food, but Korean restaurants are too expensive for me, so I could not take them to Korean restaurants. If I were a good cook, it would be easier to introduce Korean food to my American classmates. I have made some progress in my cooking lately. So, my classmates who already graduated would not have a chance to try the Korean food that I cook, but some classmates who are still in my program may have a chance to try my Korean dishes. When my department has events, students bring their dish to the events, and now I can bring a Korean dish to the event. Academic aspects of adjustment Although my English listening skills have improved compared to my first time in America, I still have some trouble understanding English. Maybe it is because I stayed in Korea for one and half years before coming back. I tried to understand my classmates‘ conversation when I ate out with my classmates, but I found that it was difficult to understand the content of the conversation although I could understand the language. They talked about TV sitcoms and TV programs such as American Idol, but, since I did not watch TV, I had no
298 clue about what they were talking about. Perhaps, if I watch TV and study American movies, I would be able to overcome this problem. It would also help me with teaching American students in the future. I struggled a lot academically in the first year, because I had difficulty participating in class discussions. I understood the discussion materials and had my opinion, but still I could not talk about it in class because of my problems with speaking in English. It made my school life miserable. My American classmates have no problem expressing their opinions although, in my opinion, their opinions are somewhat immature. They presented their opinion confidently as if it was a great idea, but I could not present my opinions although I had a better opinion than theirs. Sometimes I could not say anything throughout the entire class and felt horrible about myself. I cried a lot because I could not freely express my opinions in English and it made my first semester miserable. But, it was amazing to see how I could be different when I spoke in English depending on who listened to me at that time. When I was with foreigners, I could speak in English fluently and confidently. I could say everything that I wanted to say in a class where there were many foreigners. But, when I was in a class with exclusively Americans, I could not say a word. There are only five to six students in my major classes and you would think that it would be easier to talk in a small class. But I felt more comfortable talking in a larger class with a lot of foreigners. So I released all my stress in the class with a lot of foreigners by talking a lot. I also took a German class and I am confident in speaking in German since I had lived there for years. There was one student who spoke German as well as I could and another international student who lived in Germany for a while. However, I was good at German, so I felt comfortable speaking in that class as well, and it helped me to release stress that I experienced from other classes with exclusively Americans. In addition to problems with speaking in English, I struggled with writing in English as well. Because I got a high score in the TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) writing test, I did not have to take an English composition class. Now that I am looking back, I feel that I should have taken that class. If I had taken an English composition class, I would probably not struggle with writing in English as much as I did. However, eventually, time solved that problem. Although I struggled a lot in the first two semesters due to my problems with speaking in English, as time went by, I gained more confidence in my ability to speak in English. Americans are talkative. They talked about their stories a lot, but in the first two semesters, I did not want to hear about their stories. I already had masters‘ degrees in both Korea and America, and I knew more about my major than them. So, I already knew a lot of things that we learned in class, but for them, everything was new. Initially, although I knew the material, I did not even want to say what I knew. But, now, I talk a lot, because I was getting frustrated with myself. The strange thing was that even though I could not say a word in my major classes, I could be really talkative in other classes
299 such as ESL (English as a Second Language) class or classes offered by other departments. I took a Korean culture class that was offered by a Korean professor, and there were a lot of Korean students and other foreign students in that class. I talked a lot in that class and had no problem talking in English. I think that my problem with speaking in English might have something to do with my level of comfort. When there were only Americans in class like my major classes, I felt too anxious to speak because I tried to speak in perfect English. I was hyperconscious about what I said in English when I talked to my advisors or other Americans, so I could not say anything. However, when I was in class with a lot of foreigners, I felt comfortable and did not have any problem speaking in English. I felt more secure when I spoke in English around foreigners because they were not native speakers. They would not mind if I made few mistakes when I spoke in English. So, I did not care if I spoke correctly or not. They always praised my English. Now, even professors in my department say that my English has improved a lot, and I have gained more confidence in speaking English. One of the issues I had when I started graduate school was that I was not given a chance to teach undergraduate courses because of my English. I could teach in English, but they evaluated me based on how well I spoke in English when I had meetings with them or when I was in their classes. But, I could not speak well in their classes because I did not feel comfortable. I did not think that my ability to teach would be entirely related to my ability to speak in English when I had meetings with professors. I had experiences of teaching students in a private institute and a school in Korea, and I thought that I could teach undergraduate courses based on those experiences. I really wanted to teach undergraduate courses. But, I could not convince them that I had an ability to teach. They did not think that I was capable of teaching undergraduate courses. I felt frustrated because I did not feel that they understood my potential. I found that even American students in the master‘s program taught undergraduate course right after they started the graduate program. I already had two master‘s degrees, was in a doctoral program, and was older than the other students in my department. But other American students were in the master‘s program and did not know much about the teaching materials. However, they were assigned to teach undergraduate classes right after starting the master‘s program because they spoke better English than me. I studied theater five to six years longer than them and had more experience in the field, but just because I was not a native speaker, I was not given a chance to teach. My advisor told me in the second semester that I should pass the speaking test soon if I wanted to teach. I started to express my desire to teach undergraduate courses to my department professors at some point. One of the international students advised me that I needed to be more assertive in America to get what I wanted to get. So, I made an appointment with different professors to express my desire to teach undergraduate courses. One of the professors told me that the classes that TAs teach are very important classes for
300 our department, and if not many students register for the class, the class would be closed, and the department would lose a number of classes that they offer. Then, the professor told me, ―We depend on that course. In case the undergraduate students don‘t understand your English, and they complain, it is going to be a problem.‖ So, I learned the department‘s position on the issue. I thought that it made sense. However, I was upset when I found a lot of international students who could not speak good English were in the TA training course and they were already TAs. Compared to them, my English was excellent, but I was not a TA yet. But, later, I found that they taught mathematics courses. They mainly taught formulas from the textbook, gave quizzes from the textbook, and graded the quizzes. So, it made a bit more sense to me. I also met one Korean graduate student in the English department in the TA training course and found that she taught an English composition class. So, I asked her how she got that assignment. She said that her department assigned her to teach that class. I was puzzled, but later, I found that because English composition is a required class for every undergraduate student at my university, every doctoral student in the English literature department taught that class whether they were American or international students. I thought that it was ironic that international students in the English department could teach English to Americans, but I could not teach theater courses to American students. I had a similar experience in Korea. I majored in English literature as an undergraduate and also have a teaching certificate for teaching English, but because I was not majoring in English in graduate school, some parents turned me down when I was looking for a part time job for teaching English. I felt frustrated at that time because I could not use my knowledge to make money. Interestingly, I had the same experience in America as well. Korean students majoring in English literature could teach English to American students, but I could not teach theater courses to American students although my English was better than theirs. There is one international student in our department, but her specialty is acting and she was assigned to teach a class. So, I asked the department why she was given a chance to teach but I wasn‘t. I was told that all acting major students have a different assignment schedule than my major students. They take turns between teaching, working at the library special collection department, and working in the department office. But my major is history, literature, and criticism, and our assignments in the department are teaching, selling tickets at the box office, and working at the library special collection department. So, I could do either selling tickets at the box office or working at the library special collection department. Fortunately, since last semester, I was told that the department was considering giving me a teaching assignment. I wonder if they are considering me because I bother them too much. Anyway, since everything starts in the fall semester, I have to wait until the fall semester to teach. I talked to a professor who was in charge of assigning teachers for the required classes in the theater department, and he told me that I would be able to teach classes since my English had improved a lot. But, since it was in the middle of the semester, I was
301 told to work at the library until the end of the school year. Things did not work out the way I planned; I wanted to start to teach earlier so I could have a chance to teach upper level courses and I wanted to take a break from teaching in the semester that I would prepare for the qualifying exam. But things are getting better at school. I will teach a class next semester and the department reduced my teaching load, so, I will have time to prepare for the qualifying exam. I feel more comfortable with professors, and my English writing has improved. Problems at the work place I am working at the library and I was really stressed out because of my co-workers for a while. I had two co-workers who study theater performance. Usually students studying theater performance are very active. So, it must have been difficult for them to having a boring job inside of the library. We organized newspaper scraps into the folder based on dates and labeled them, and I could tell that they hated the job. They took a twenty minute break every one and half to two hours. Initially, I was excited about working with them because I thought that I would have a chance to chat with them, to hear their English, to learn English colloquialisms and slang, and to talk about boyfriends. But, I found that they talked too much during the work hour. I wanted to focus on work, but it was difficult. I told myself that I should not be all stressed out about work and I should just take it easy, but it was difficult to be relaxed at work like them. I wanted to ask them if they were at work to chat or to work. Perhaps I was used to Europeans‘ attitude toward their work because I have lived in Europe for several years. Europeans only focus on work during their work hours. They do not chat during their work hours and they only take a break during their work break. I always compare the work attitude of Europeans with that of people in other countries, and I do not like people chatting during their work hours. So, when I saw my co-workers chatting during work hours, it really bothered me. I wondered if they were that way because they majored in theater performance. I felt that they were not serious about their work although their work paid for their tuition. They took a break religiously although they were not working hard. Sometimes they even studied for their classes during work hours, and sometimes they left work five minutes early. When I copied materials at work, I was very systematic so I would not waste time, but they were very slow in making copies. They were not systematic. I could not stand their attitude toward work, so I went to the manager and said that I could not work with them anymore. I worked separately from them at some point. I cannot remember if it was right after I talked to the manager. I also tried to separate myself from them. I did not take a break with them because it was too stressful to be with them. I also asked the manager to give me different tasks because if I work with them, they would benefit from my hard work. I told the manager that I could not work with them because we do not share the same work ethic. I did not want to take twenty minute breaks, did not want to see them chatting during work hours, and did not want to see them studying for their classes at
302 work. I asked the manager if it was okay to study during work hours. I did not study at work although I had a lot of things to study because I was there to work. I said that if it was officially permissible to study at work, I would like to study as well. I wanted to study when they studied for their classes, but I could not do that because I was not sure if it was oaky. The manager was smiling at me and told me that it was okay to study. He would prefer us to work, but since we were students, studying was most important. The problem was solved, but I still experienced difficulties. I still did not want to see my co-workers because watching them working made me feel really stressed out. I tried to ignore them. I complained about them to my boss once again, but I was told to mind my own business. It was really embarrassing. It almost felt like I was acting immature. So, I said to my boss that I was not tattling on them. I was just too stressed out because of them and did not know what to do about it. My boss said that I should do whatever I wanted to do and should not care about them. So, I decided to distance myself from them. Later, my boss gave me other assignments. Someone had to sit in the front desk, and my co-workers said that they did not want to deal with people, so they would not do the front desk job. They preferred to work in the back where they could read books for their classes. So, my boss asked me to work at the front desk. My boss said that I could study if I worked at the front desk. My job was helping people find materials and answering the phone. So, when no one needed my help, I could study. I asked my boss to give me multiple tasks because I got bored easily with one task, so he did. I liked it because I could be more efficient when I did multiple tasks. One of my tasks was copying materials and, because of that task, I could not completely avoid my previous co-workers. When they came to the copy room to make copies, they always came together and took turns making copies and reading a book. So, always only one person worked and the other did not. In addition, they constantly talked to each other. I tried my best not to be bothered by them. The funny thing was that although I got permission to study for my classes at work from my boss, I could not do it. I still felt uncomfortable studying at work because I was not used to doing it. It seemed that others have no problem studying at work, but I cannot use the opportunities to study at work. I kept telling myself that I was stupid to not use this opportunity to study at work. I should not be totally exhausted from work. So, I decided to study deliberately at work. Then, I found that my previous co-workers‘ work hours were reduced from twenty hours to ten hours. I feel that if they only work for ten hours, they should work harder to finish up their job, but they still do not work hard. They check e-mail, surf Facebook, and do whatever they want to do. I do these sorts of things during my break. I can only do what I believe is the right thing to do. But, now, we will be less productive because I am planning to study for my classes and my previous co-workers cut down their work hours. I am afraid to be perceived as a slacker since we will be less productive.
303 Confusions Sometimes I feel confused because I cannot figure out how I should behave around Americans. I do not know what is acceptable with Americans. For example, since I am in a foreign country, I thought that I had to adapt myself to a new culture and language. So, I try to learn and follow culturally appropriate ways to socialize with Americans. But, I found that Americans do not expect me to behave like Americans. They always ask me about the Korean cultural way of doing things in each situation. It is somewhat confusing to me. I tried to follow the American style, but it seems that Americans respect my cultural style and expect me to follow my cultural way. Last year, I performed a musical. While practicing for the performance, I cried a lot because of the experience of unexpected culture shock. I am not sure if it was due to cultural differences between Korea and America or cultural differences between theater performance major and theater theory major, but I found that students who were preparing for the musical together were very affectionate toward each other. They were just friends, but they hugged or pat each other during the break. I am the kind of person who always needs affectionate touch, but when I am in a foreign country, I have different expectations about it because I acknowledge western people‘s idea about personal space. I have gotten used to having personal space while I was in America, so when I visited Korea I felt uncomfortable when people did not respect personal space. I was especially annoyed when I was pushed in the crowded subway. However, when I practiced the musical with theater majors, I saw them holding each other‘s arm and giving massages to others like Koreans do to each other, and I really wanted to be a part of them. I could not figure out how they could be so close to each other. It was difficult. While I practiced the musical, I met gay men in person for the first time in my life. They looked the same as heterosexual men, and it was confusing to me. One of them is a graduate student and I heard that he was sexually involved with three undergraduate students who also practiced a musical together. I have always had strict rules for what is acceptable and unacceptable, and their relationships did not make sense to me because it was beyond my imagination. I am having difficulties incorporating American values and beliefs into my own. I have a religion, and when I was in the master‘s program, I had clear ideas about how people should be based on my religious beliefs. However, I found that that kind of attitude is not acceptable in America. It seems that, in America, it is encouraged to respect multiple perspectives in order to reduce conflicts. I do not know how to incorporate these new perspectives into my existing values and beliefs. I realized that as I try to adjust myself to American culture, I have thrown away my old values and beliefs because they are incomparable to American culture. However, I cannot accept American values and beliefs as mine because it still does not make sense to me. I should have some kind of values and
304 beliefs, but I haven‘t figured out what to believe and what values to follow yet. It is confusing. Let‘s go back to respecting multiple perspectives. It sounds good, but I do not know for sure how Americans from different social classes, upper, middle, and lower classes interact with each other. From a surface level, they seem to co-exist peacefully. It seems that there is not much conflict among them. But, I only have limited chances to interact with Americans and I am not deeply involved in their social interactions. So there is no way I can really experience how people holding different standpoint and perspective co-exist peacefully. Americans are still a mystery to me. I have never seen Americans from different social classes interacting with each other. I have never seen Americans judging others. For example, one of the students in my department is a son of a professor, and his father is a high ranking government officer. He bragged about his mom a lot, and he showed off about his background as well. But, everybody in the department liked him until this year when we had a group of new students. One student who started our program this year openly disliked him because of his attitude, and it was surprising to me since everyone did not seem to mind him bragging about his parents. If the student who bragged about his parents was in Korea, Koreans would say that he was disgusting. That kind of behavior is frowned upon in Korea. However, since none of my department students said anything about his behavior, I thought that it was acceptable behavior in America until the new student openly disliked him. It seemed that he was liked by everyone in the department although he was arrogant. Like this example, I cannot predict Americans‘ behavior because I still cannot figure out what is acceptable and unacceptable in America, and it confuses me. I experience a lot of inconsistencies in my encounters with Americans, so, I cannot explain my experiences. I am still not sure about what is the right way to interact with people in America. I guess that Americans prefer to avoid obvious conflicts. I have never seen them having an argument with each other. I was told that it is better not to have some professors on my committee together because they do not get along well, but it is not noticeable from the surface level. I want to know if Americans do not really care about others‘ business or they just do not express their opinions about others‘ behaviors. For example, I am living in a house with several women and one of our housemates' boy friend has been staying with her every night. I think that in this situation, someone could ask her, ―Do they live together?‖ But, it seemed that everybody did not care about him staying with her every night and greeted him in a friendly manner in the morning. It does not make sense to me. If the same thing happened in Korea, housemates would complain about her inviting her boyfriend every night. When I asked them if it was okay with them, they said that they do not care about it. I am not sure what Americans care about or do not care about. Is there any specific thing that Americans care about? For example, some Americans who married at age 21 said that the reason that they got married early was to have a sexual relationship within marriage. They said that if their marriage does not work out, they could get divorced. It was interesting
305 logic, but they are following the rule of their religion. It was surprising to me. I found that some Americans are very strict about keeping one‘s virginity before getting married, but some other Americans who also are Christian seems to have sexual experiences before getting married. So, there is no consistency. I am not sure whether the differences among Americans are due to differences in social class or due to some other factors. One girl in my department was seriously considering getting married to her boyfriend, but she broke up with him because he kissed another girl. Another girl with whom I used to work talked about her boyfriend a lot in the first semester. I asked her about him in the second semester. She said that she broke up with him and is dating another guy in the department. I have seen Koreans having long distance relationships between Korea and America for years without having any problems in their relationships, but it seems that Americans‘ long distance relationships do not usually last. Another student who used to work with me had a boyfriend whom she met while she was working at an acting troupe before starting graduate school. She said that they loved each other very much, but since they would not be able to see each other often for next three years, they decided not to have a committed relationship. They decided to accept each other meeting a new boyfriend/girlfriend. All these romantic relationships that I witnessed from Americans do not make sense to me, and it is confusing. Things that have helped my adjustment There are many things that have helped my adjustment. Getting financial support from the department helped my adjustment in a practical way. It was a huge relief. I also lowered my expectations about interpersonal relationships. No matter how much I tried, I could not make a friend. For example, whether I went to an American church or a Korean church, most of people were younger than me or had a job and married. But, I could not socialize with married people since they do not share same life style and same interests as me. So, I gave up on the idea of finding a friend in my age group. I overcame other difficulties by trying hard. I studied hard to improve my writing and gain confidence in English. I spent time with my friends once in a while to uplift my mood. I also changed my attitude. Instead of complaining about not having people who helped me out, I started to appreciate any help I get from others. Sohee‘s story Initially, it was really difficult to adjust to American life because life in America was too simple and monotonous compared to that in Korea. I got bored with the everyday routine in my life in America because there was nothing that I could do to have fun. In Korea, for example, I could go out to drink alcohol to have fun. I could look visibly drunk and throw up on the street, and it would not be a big deal. People on the street would simply assume that I must have drunk too much alcohol, but they would not think it was a problem. However, in America, you could be arrested if you look too drunk or throw up on the street. Here, I cannot have fun like I used to in Korea anymore. My life in America is boring. Even when I am
306 under a lot of stress, I cannot go to a crowded bar to relax while drinking alcohol. I don‘t know what Americans do to have fun. My Korean friends often jokingly say that they go to Wal-Mart or Meijer when they get bored. There are no other places to go to have fun other than going to Wal-Mart or Meijer in America. I am not an exception. I go window shopping at Wal-Mart when I have spare time. So, I was really bored with life in America initially. But now, I got used to the boring and simple life style here. It is like when Americans or people from other countries come to Korea for the first time, initially they are not sure if they can survive in fast-paced lifestyle and crowded space in Korea. However, eventually, they get used to the busy and exciting life style in Korea. After coming to America, I could not find an office job like the one I used to do in Korea because I do not have a degree in America, so I have been working as a waitress for several years. It also required quite an adjustment for me. I was scared about working as a waitress in the beginning because I was not confident about my English. I was not sure what would be the right way to ask questions to customers because there are differences in asking questions in Korean and English. I think that the Korean way of asking questions is less direct than that of English. For example, In English, the waitress usually asks ―Does the food taste good/ bad?‖ but in Korean, the waitress would ask, ―Does the food suit to your taste?‖ Korean people would also respond to questions indirectly. They would say ―it is okay‖, which means ―it tastes good‖. Some Korean might say ―it is too sweet‖ or ―it is too salty‖ or ―There are no side dishes that I would try‖. When I ask ―How‘s everything?‖ to Americans, they usually say directly and honestly such as ―good‖, ―I like it‖, ―I love it‖, ―I don‘t like it‖, or ―I like the sauce but I don‘t like the texture‖. Americans are also clear about whether they would continue to eat their dish or return the dish. However, Koreans complain about their dish, but they finish it without returning it. So, it took me a while to get used to Americans‘ way of communicating at a restaurant. I had some difficulties dealing with customers at the restaurant. Some of my Korean customers complained about the food because, I think, they can speak in Korean with me. I felt intimidated to talk to American customers initially because of my lack of confidence in speaking in English. As a matter of fact, talking to Americans in any setting such as grocery stores was intimidating because I was anxious about the possibility of them asking questions that I may not understand. It would be really embarrassing if I could not respond to their questions. Initially, imagining all these potentially embarrassing situations made my job really difficult. Before I started to work at a restaurant, I wrote down all the potential questions that customers might ask and generated all the possible answers for each question and memorized all of them. But, if a customer asked me a question that I had never thought about, I had difficulty responding to the question. Sometimes my answer for a customer‘s question did not make sense, sometimes I misunderstood the question, and sometimes, I could not respond to a customer because I did not understand his/her question. When I got
307 nervous or embarrassed, I could not give them a clear answer. Initially, I made a lot of mistakes because I did not feel comfortable, but I became more comfortable after working at a restaurant after about one year. I developed more realistic expectations about my work by giving up perfectionism. I also learned that, in America, it is important to say ―no‖. It is another difference between Korean and American culture since in Korea, you always have to say ―yes‖ in order to be polite. I came to America as an adult. I have lived in the Korean way, practiced Korean etiquette and followed Korean values for the last 30 years before coming to America. But, when I came to America, I realized that it is really difficult to practice Korean etiquette because of the limitations of my English. I could not figure out the correct English translations of Korean expressions in each situation. Sometimes I was quiet when I was with Americans because I did not know how to express my feelings and thoughts that would be appropriate based on the Korean standard. For example, when Korean people give a gift to another person, they always say ―it is not much‖, or ―I wish I could give you more‖. It is the Korean people‘s way of giving a gift and they express their desire to give more to the other person by saying that. I am used to express my feelings and thoughts in ways that are appropriate in Korean culture, so I unconsciously try to say my feelings or thoughts in Korean style in English because the Korean style feels right to me. However, I noticed that American people do not feel the same way as Koreans. Go back to the gift giving situation, unlike Korean people who think that a gift should be something nice and expensive, American people appear to appreciate even a neatly wrapped small gift or home baked cake. I am not sure if they sincerely appreciate a small gift or like the taste of the home baked cake, but at least when I gave such a gift to them, they looked happy. Sometimes, what I know and what feels right to me are two different things. For example, I know that I do not have to buy a gift for Americans to express appreciation, but it does not feel right not to buy a gift. The Korean style feels nicer to me although I know that I do not have to express my feelings or thoughts in the Korean way to Americans. I also feel that my gift is not good enough and feel bad about not buying a better gift when I give a gift to someone. It is the attitude that I used to hold about gift when I was in Korea because this kind of attitude is common in Korea. I am having difficulties changing this attitude just because I am in America although I know that Americans have a different attitude about gifts than Koreans. I am trying to change my Korean attitude to an American attitude because it would make my life in America easier. I have been trying to consider both cultural practices before doing anything, but it makes me feel stupid. Go back to the gift example, if I have given enough thought to buying the gift by going to many different stores, comparing prices and thinking about the person‘s taste, it would be easier to give the gift to the person without worrying about whether the person would like it or not. There is such thing as a ―gift receipt‖ in America. With the gift
308 receipt, people can exchange the gift that they receive with other things, and it is not considered to be rude or impolite. However, if I would exchange a gift that I receive from Korean people, they may feel hurt by it. I think Koreans are very sensitive about rejection, and when others do not like their choice, they feel extremely displeased. I do not think Americans mind others having different preferences. I don‘t feel a need to apply my Korean ways of understanding people when I try to understand Americans. It is easier for me to follow the American style in America. Another difference that I have noticed between Koreans and Americans is their way of writing a card. Americans send a card more frequently than Koreans, but they do not write their own messages in the card. They usually pick a card that already contains a message that they want to say to the other person and just sign their name. On the other hand, Koreans always write a message in the card although they do not send a card often. I try to send a card as often as I can like other Americans do. I also do not write messages in the cards because writing in English is still difficult to me. I still think in Korean and try to translate my Korean thinking into English when I write. It is difficult. I cannot use a lot of descriptive words and euphemisms in English writing, so I simply write ―Thank you‖ when I want to express my appreciation in English. It is frustrating to have difficulties expressing my feelings and thoughts freely in English writing like I would do in Korean writing, so I do not even attempt to write about what I am thinking. I just pick a card that already has written message and write we love you or we miss you with our names. I did not do that in Korea, but I am changing as I am learning the culture. I have gotten more comfortable practicing American style over the years. When I offer something to others, I do not expect something in return. If I want to be nice to others, I do something for them. I do not think they would take what I offer if they did not like it since Americans are good at expressing their likes and dislikes. I think when Americans develop relationships, they are cautious and sincere, express their preference precisely, and set clear boundaries. I like when they set clear boundaries. It makes me feel more comfortable. My husband is American, and he does pretty much everything for me outside of my house. The only things I do in America are housework and working at my job. My husband informs me of everything about other household stuff and his work, but he takes care of everything. So, it was somewhat easier for me to make an initial adjustment in America. But, I had some surprising experiences that did not make sense to me. Right after I came to America, I noticed something interesting about differences in my experience of going to the grocery store depending on whether I went there alone or with my husband. It might be the problem with my own interpretation or it might be the problem with the specific cashier. But, when I went grocery shopping with my husband, I felt that people treated me more nicely than going grocery shopping alone. The cashier was blunt to me when I went grocery
309 shopping alone, and some cashiers even threw the change on the counter instead of handing it to me. It might be their habit, but they were acting like if I wanted the change I should collect it from the counter. I wondered about why they did that to me. Was it because I was alone? Was it because I am an Asian? Did they do that because I have brown eyes and yellow skin? I tried to figure out why they did that to me, but I decided to believe that it was about their personality. Even when I went to the public service offices, some people were mean to me, and I decided to think that it is just their personality. There were some other experiences in America that puzzled me somewhat. One of them was about my in-laws. I am not sure if all American in-laws are like my in-laws because every family is different. But, they were different from what I envisioned about how in-laws would be. Korean women have a lot of obligations to their in-laws once they get married. The husband‘s family members can visit them anytime, and they have meals with their in-laws often. It is common for in-laws to visit and stay with their son‘s family overnight. But my parents-in-law have never stayed in my place overnight. Even when they came to visit us in Korea, they stayed at a hotel. I could not understand why they stayed at a hotel although their child has a house in the city. Currently, we live in a city two hours away from my parents-in- law and they came to visit us once. At that time, they had an early dinner with us and left early to drive back to their place. My brother-in-law comes in our city for his work at times, but he does not call us to let us know that he is in town. He comes for work and leaves once his work is done without calling us. This kind of situation does not make sense to me. They may do that because they do not want to bother us, but I still cannot understand. I also found that when one of my husband‘s relatives came to my in-law‘s city for traveling, they did not stay with my in-laws. It was strange to me. But, when we visit my in-laws‘ city, we stay at their place and it seems that they expect us to stay overnight with them. I have two sets of in- laws, my mother-in-law and father-in-law/step-mother-in-law, and we take turns between mother-in-law‘s place and father-in-law‘s place to stay. Sometimes I worry that if I stay with one of the parents-in-law, the other parent-in-law might be displeased. English was the most difficult challenge in my American life. When I speak in Korean, I can say whatever I want to say in a nice way, but due to my limited English vocabulary, I cannot say things in English in a more refined way. For example, if I am upset, I can only express my feelings in an extreme way in English. So, I experience some limits in my ability to express my feelings accurately. I cannot make a joke in English as well due to my limited English. I am 35 years old, but I talk like a nine year old when I speak in English. It does not make me feel good about myself, so, I talk less and less when I speak in English. I became a quiet and shy person around people who speak English. As a matter of fact, my struggles with English made me a timid person. I am not really extroverted by nature. But, I have never been as timid as now. Especially when I am in a situation that I have to talk, I am even more timid. I am kind of a perfectionist by nature. So if I cannot formulate a perfect
310 sentence, I do not say anything at all. I attend a beauty academy, and one of the teachers at my school always calls out a student‘s name in class to ask questions. His class runs for four hours and I always feel tense throughout his class. It would be really embarrassing if I didn't know the answer for his question, but it would be even more embarrassing if I could not understand his question. When Americans talk, they usually use colloquial expressions, which I have more difficulty understanding. So, sometimes I guessed what the question was based on what other students responded to the question. I do not want others to know what I don‘t know. When a teacher asks me a question, sometimes my mind goes blank. I am a timorous person to begin with, so it is difficult to be in a situation that forces me to expose myself to others. I hate that class. Even when I was in Korea, I have never raised my hand in class. So I was already timid, but I became more timid in America. Because of my difficulties with English, when I go out with my husband, I let him speak for me. Especially when we spend time with his friends or my in-laws, I feel extremely uncomfortable without him. If I am not with my husband, I feel nervous and I do not feel comfortable talking because I do not have confidence in English. My husband can help me talk about things that I want to say because he can speak Korean. He says things that I want to tell others for me and I add more details here and there when I am with his friends or family. It is a big improvement compared to five years ago, the first time I came to America. I still have some difficulties with understanding in English. My husband likes comedy programs. Often times when I watch comedy programs with him, he is laughing real hard, but I cannot understand why it is so funny. I cannot understand it because I cannot understand English. Difficulties with English make my adjustment to American culture and American life difficult. Because I am not confident in my English, for example, now, we are thinking about moving, but I cannot disconnect and reconnect the internet or transfer my account. But I could do that in Korea since I can communicate in Korean fine. In America, I don‘t do anything although I want to try because I don‘t have courage to try. Maybe it is because of my personality. Before I try to do anything in English, I worry about the possibilities like what if I could not come up with the right words to say. Also, I need to speak better English for any future career. Although I want to improve my English, I have not been putting a lot of efforts into improving it. If I feel more comfortable speaking or understanding in English, I may be able to be more actively involved in everyday life in America. But it is difficult. So, difficulties with language affect my adjustment in America negatively, and I am hesitant to pursue what I want to do because of that. Of course, I feel more comfortable with English now than several years ago when I first came to America, but still the language barrier inconveniences my life big time. As I mentioned before, my husband is American and it gives me emotional security. My husband takes care of a lot of things for me because I am not confident in English. For
311 example, I got an operation few weeks ago. In the process of getting the surgery and being discharged from the hospital, I got a lot of phone calls from the hospital to discuss insurance and hospital bills. When I was looking for an apartment, there were a lot of things that I wanted to ask, and when I was looking for a car to buy, I had to negotiate with an American seller. My husband did everything for me. Sometimes I think about foreigners who come to America for the first time and cannot speak good English yet. Although their English is poor, they have to take care of everything such as looking for a place to stay and buying a car to drive by themselves. It must be really frustrating and difficult. It would also hurt their pride as well since they may encounter humiliating situations due to their language problems. My husband takes care of everything for me unconditionally just because I am his wife. So, my life in America was relatively easy because my husband is an American. He is reliable. On the other hand, I sometimes question why I have to live in a foreign country and experience all of these difficulties. Why didn‘t we stay in Korea like the time we met and married? He did not have many difficulties living in Korea although he is American. But, since I had difficulties adjusting to American life, I regret deciding to come to America. In addition to that, sometimes I feel my husband does not understand me. For example, when I expressed my experience of body ache in Korean because I cannot describe it in English, my husband did not understand what I was talking about. When I feel sick, I want to have a bowl of hot Korean soup. I have no one in America who can cook hot Korean soup for me when I am sick because my husband cannot cook hot Korean soup and my Mom is not in America. If he were Korean, he could look up the Korean cookbook and cook Korean soup, but he can only cook Mac & Cheese or other American dishes for me. When I drink excessive alcohol, I want to have spicy bean sprout soup to relieve the hangover next morning, but Americans have cheesy pizza to relieve the hangover. Those kinds of things are too different and I wish he can provide what I need in certain situations. Food is one of the problems between us. Sometimes we want to eat different food, so I end up cooking two different dishes, Korean and American dishes. Because we have different food preferences, we spend more money on grocery shopping to buy both American and Korean groceries. I cannot find food that he wants to eat in the Korean grocery, so I have to go to both Korean and American grocery stores. Even if I buy a minimum amount of everything, I end up buying more than we need. We spend more money on groceries than other households with two family members. It is more complicated than other couples from the same culture. My husband can speak some Korean because he had been in Korea for several years. So, we use about forty percent in Korean and sixty percent in English when we talk. Having a husband who can speak and understand Korean is both positive and negative. First of all, it comforts me. Although I cannot speak good English and cannot communicate all of my thoughts in English, I can always attempt to explain things to my husband in Korean. But it
312 can be a negative for me as well. If he did not understand Korean at all, I would be forced to speak in English all the time and probably put more effort into leaning English. Although my English has improved, my English is not drastically different from nine years ago, the first time I met my husband. I think that having a job helped my adjustment in America. When I started to work, I worried about my language skills. So I generated potential questions for customers and memorized all of them. But, if customers responded to my questions with a word that I did not know or a sentence that I was not used to hearing, I could not understand their answer. It was difficult for me for a while and I was anxious about the possibility of making a mistake at work. But, after a while, I got used to my job, and through speaking at least a few sentences in English everyday, I became more comfortable with English although I cannot say I am confident in speaking in English. Since I am more accustomed to speaking in English, I feel more comfortable going to grocery stores or restaurants without my husband. I used to feel nervous about going to a restaurant without accompanying someone who can speak good English like my husband. I was anxious about the possibility of misinterpreting what a waitress would say to me or ordering the wrong food by mistake. Sometimes I left the restaurant without eating what I wanted to eat because of miscommunication and other reasons. Maybe it was unnecessary nervousness. But, at work, although I felt nervous talking to customers in English, I could speak in Korean with other waitresses at a restaurant to comfort myself. Actually working at a restaurant with other Koreans was helpful as well. Had I not worked, I would be the same as four years ago. My job makes me confront things that I do not want to confront like speaking in English to fulfill my responsibility. By exposing myself to things that I would not do voluntarily, I gradually gain more confidence. It has helped me adjust in America. Changes Jun‘s story This is my second time in America, and I do not think I have experienced any changes as a result of staying in America this time. I think this is due to my already having been exposed to American culture even before I came to this time. I would say that most Koreans are already exposed to the American culture even when they are in Korea, and I was more exposed to American culture than most Koreans. I also experienced no changes in my relationships with others. In America, I spend more time with my wife than when I was in Korea, but it did not change our relationship. However, my relationships with my high school friends back in Korea has somewhat changed due to the physical distance. I have not kept in touch with them since I left Korea. I have not experienced any personal growth as a result of living in America because I was already over thirty years old when I came to America. However, I would say that I experienced more emotional and psychological pain after coming to America because I cannot practice finial piety. (It is a concept from Confucianism that one
313 has to respect and take care of one‘s parents through providing psychological, emotional and financial support.) I remember that, the first time I came to America about 10 years ago, I experienced some changes. At that time, I had some chances to witness Americans practicing fundamental virtues such as waiting one‘s turn patiently or trying to do the right thing although it does not give one immediate gain. When I went back to Korea after staying in America for several months, I had given some thought about Americans‘ fundamental virtues and tried to apply some of those virtues to my life in Korea. So, sometimes I waited for my turn, and sometimes I tried to be fair to everyone although, in Korean society, we are supposed to take care of people who are associated with us more than people who are not associated with us. But the outcome was not good. When I tried to practice American‘s righteous tendencies, people gave me weird looks. They thought that I was trying to show off my experience in America. The people who experienced disadvantages because I tried to be fair to everyone were especially disgruntled. There have been some changes in my life since I came to America. I am in America temporarily with a specific goal in mind, so I do not have time to do everything I used do in Korea. I cannot eat the kinds of Korean foods that I used to enjoy eating in Korea. When I was in Korea, I went to a bar to drink and have fun, but, in America, I do not have time for those kinds of pursuits. In America, even though I still drink with other Koreans occasionally, I usually do not drink alcohol the way I drank when I was in Korea. First of all, I do not drink as much as I used to drink in Korea. Also, I am not serious while drinking the way I was in Korea. In Korea, when people drink, they become serious. People share things on their mind that they do not normally share when they are sober. We talk about life and give advice to others about how others should live their life. But, in America, I found that -- maybe it is just because the Koreans with whom I socialize feel uncomfortable around me-- we do not usually talk about serious topics while drinking. We talk about our experiences of traveling and other experiences in America. We usually talk about things other than ourselves. Koreans in Korea do talk about those kinds of things when they are sober, but when they are drinking, they become serious and share more personal things. Another change is that, as I have lived in America longer, I try new things less frequently because of my past failures. I have always been afraid of trying new things, so, when I was in Korea, I did not try new things easily. In fact, I did not have to do it much since I rarely encountered a situation that required trying something new. However, in America, a lot of things are new to me. So, initially, I tried new things out of curiosity. As a result, I have experienced more failures in America than in Korea within a short period of time. In fact, it is not easy to compare my failure experiences in Korea and in America. My experiences of failures in Korea can be considered as a way of expanding my experiences. All of my experiences while growing up contributed to my maturity and expansion of self. I
314 established myself by expanding my experiences through incorporating my failures. After establishing myself, when I was exposed to new things, I decided whether I would incorporate my new experiences into my constructs or reject them. But I came to America as an adult who already had my own style. So now when I experience something new, if the new experience is consistent with my established self, then it is easy to accept it, but if it does not match with my style, then it becomes a failure. I choose whether I will accept my new experiences or not based on the foundation of myself. For me, it is not easy to make huge personal changes because I already have a well established self. My ideas about America have changed after experiencing America. In Korea, the condition for studying my major was not really good. But, when I talked to people who studied in America, I recognized some differences in our experiences in college. I had an impression that American college students study hard, American universities offer good curricula to their students, and departments have enough professors to offer all the necessary courses. So I thought that I could take all the courses that I wanted to take in America. However, when I came to America, I realized that what I thought of American university education was not really true. Although some college students study hard, some do not study much, and a curriculum that looks good on the surface level may end up not having substance. Before coming to America I only had positive perceptions of the American college education, but after experiencing the system, I could see both positive and negative aspects of the American college education system. It is true that the academic atmosphere in America is a lot better than in Korea, but it is not as great as I had expected. From the experience of living in America, I realized that people are basically the same and their differences result from differences in their environment. After the Virginia Tech massacre, I also realized that Koreans are nationalistic and narrow-minded compared to Americans. Initially, Koreans said that the shooter must be Chinese. It showed me Koreans‘ prejudice against Chinese. Also, I was impressed by the way Americans talked about the incident. If a black man did the same thing in Korea, Koreans would blame black people as a group. However, Americans portrayed the incident as an individual problem instead of a problem with Koreans in general. Maybe it is because they are more aware of and educated about the problem of over-generalizing an individual‘s problem and blaming an entire group. When I witnessed that, I realized that many Koreans, including me, harbor racist attitudes, and it was disappointing to acknowledge that. Korean media portrays an individual‘s problem as the problem of an entire group. Koreans also tend to talk about an individual‘s problem as the problem of a group. For example, if one Chinese man does something wrong, then Koreans would say that the Chinese people are always bad. If one American criticizes Korean society, then Koreans would say all Americans criticize Korean society. Koreans tend to generalize the individual‘s behavior and blame the group. I think it is because Koreans are used to living in a homogeneous society. When they encounter a person who is different from
315 them, they consider the person who is different from them to represent their whole society. So, for Koreans, all interactions between two people from different societies are considered to be interactions between two societies. Therefore, Koreans expect that everybody from the other society would behave the same way as the individual they meet. I also have developed different perspectives on racial/national superiority and different ideas about good and evil. Korean culture implicitly holds the prejudice that Caucasians are superior and African Americans are inferior. Koreans unconsciously hold that prejudice through education, cultural atmosphere, and personal experiences. However, since I came to America, I realized that such prejudice is not based on the truth. I realized that it depends on the individual. My recent take on stereotypes is that people need to acknowledge that stereotypes exist. People develop stereotypes to learn a lot of information within a short period of time. So we apply our stereotypes to save time in our daily life, but we should not totally depend on stereotypes because there are so many exceptions to commonly believed stereotypes. For example, people say that African Americans are poor because they are lazy. But this is a stereotype about African Americans. It seems that a growing number of African Americans do not fit into such a stereotype. Some stereotypes may be based on biological differences, but some stereotypes, especially racial stereotypes, have social backgrounds. I changed my stereotypes about African Americans because I have had more opportunities to observe African Americans in America. When I was in Korea, most African Americans I saw worked for the American military in Korea. Most of them were ignorant, and I questioned whether they even had a high school diploma. In addition, most media such as TV news often portrays African Americans as criminals or poor people. So, Koreans are only exposed to the negative images of African Americans. After coming to America, I had opportunities to meet African Americans who were wealthy and well educated. There were a group of Koreans that came to visit my university recently, and I worked for them as a translator. One morning, I was waiting for them in the lobby with another American who also was working for the group. He was a white man, and he told me this. ―Look at those black men. They are middle class people who have successful careers. There are so many blacks like them and an increasing number of blacks belong to the middle class. However, the media still portrays blacks as poor and lazy. It is true that some blacks are poor and lazy, but it is problematic that the media does not report success stories of black people. The media should report more success stories of blacks, so people can acknowledge the potential of black people.‖ He appeared to be very passionate about that topic. As a result of experiencing life in America, I have expanded my perspectives and put more thought into universal values. What I mean by universal values is that people need to love and respect people-- those kinds of values. When I was in Korea, I put more value on becoming better than other people than helping other people. So I had more hierarchical values in that I wanted to be superior to others. However, since I came to America-- maybe it
316 is because I recognized my own limits-- I have developed more egalitarian values such the importance of helping and respecting each other. I think that it is because I have had more chances to experience different things. Korea is a more homogeneous society where people have similar backgrounds and experiences and receive similar education. Thus, people are similar to each other, and I only experienced similarity between me and others. However, there are diverse people from different backgrounds in America, so I have had chances to have different experiences and be exposed to the diversity in America. For people who are ready to learn from traveling and cultural experiences, living in America can be a meaningful experience. What I mean is that it is more important to be open to new experiences than to have new experiences. In my case, although I did not have a chance to experience real American life, exposure to American culture on the surface level helped me re-think about my values and modify them little by little. Mirae‘s story In America, I cannot do a lot of things that I used to do in Korea such as going to a beauty shop, a public bath, shopping, or thinking about making and investing money. I cannot do a lot of things due to financial reasons. My husband is a student in America, so he does not make money and we do not have as much money as we used to have in Korea. Even if we had money, we are not sure about our future, so we do not feel comfortable spending money like we did in Korea. I see diverse people in America. Koreans I meet in America are different from Koreans I used to interact with in Korea. In Korea, I have only known Koreans who are from similar backgrounds as me, but a lot of Koreans I have met in America are from different backgrounds. Of course, all the people I have met in America who are not Koreans are a lot different than me. My friends in Korea grew up with me and we naturally grew close to each other as we spent a lot of time together. We shared similar values and beliefs and I felt comfortable with them. In contrast, I feel that here, in America, I need to put in so much effort and accept so many differences to develop relationships even with Koreans. A good thing about meeting people from different backgrounds is that I have the chance to observe both positive and negative aspects of people who are different from me. I have tried to learn from their positive traits and tried to avoid picking up the negative aspects of their behavior. In addition, by meeting diverse people, I try to accept diversity more than ever. I have noticed that, in America, not only have the kind of people with whom I socialized changed but also my relationships with people have changed. I have become friends with people who share the same purpose as me in America. When I was in Korea, friends were people I socialized with to have fun together but, here, friends are the people I go to school with. I think my friends from other countries expect us to do something together rather than chatting in the cafeteria. We make quilts together or make other things together. Initially, I did not like that kind of relationship, but I found that having a shared goal helps
317 people maintain relationships. I also realized that people who initially get together to work on the same goal also can become friends. However, if there is no intimacy involved in such relationships, the relationship normally ends after we accomplish the goal. It is an intense, but short relationship. That is another difference about my relationships with people in America. I have found that I meet new people frequently, but the relationships in America end frequently as well because a lot of people come and go. So, it is not easy to maintain relationships like I did in Korea. It was easier to maintain relationships in Korea because I could see my friends whenever I wanted to see them. Physical distance was not an issue since Korea is a small country. Experiencing diversity in America also has changed me. I have learned to accept diversity as a result of living in America and it was a good experience for me. I did not have much of a chance to be exposed to American culture prior to coming here. I am from a small family consisting of my mother and me, and I did not have opportunities to be exposed to various experiences. I have imagined experiencing all sorts of things, but my first hand experiences were really limited. For a person like me, living in and experiencing a different culture affects my way of thinking significantly. I have realized that the way I have lived my life is just one way of living life. I learned that there are so many different ways of living life and this world is a big and diverse place. Now I believe that I respect diversity and understand what that means. I always thought that I respected diversity but looking back I see that I really did not. But experiencing diversity first hand helped me understand diversity. There is an Old Korean saying, send children to Seoul and send horses to Je-Jue Island (meaning that people need to live in a big city to be exposed to a rich cultural environment). I had not given much thought about traveling or living in a foreign country. I thought that both traveling and living in a foreign country was not a necessary thing and a waste of money, but I do not think that way anymore. Now, I want to visit more places in the world to see and learn. Another change that I have experienced is my idea about what is acceptable or not. When I was in Korea, I thought that I should restrain myself from doing what I wanted to do, but here I realized that it is important to do what I want to do. I decided to be frank and express my feelings, for example, because I learned that if I did not express what I know, nobody would know what I know. I can also express my feelings more honestly. I could not say ―Yes‖ or ―No‖ easily when I was in Korea. However, now I say, ―Yes‖, if I like it and say, ―No‖, if I do not like it. That is a big change for me. I also think English makes me more talkative because I say things without thinking deeply about it. When I speak in Korean, I think a lot before I talk because I know Korean well. I can use euphemisms or more refined expressions. But I cannot do that in English. I only have a limited English vocabulary, so, when I speak in English, I am more direct, frank, and simple. For example, when I express my feelings, I just say, ―I am happy‖ or ―I am
318 unhappy‖, like that. I only know direct ways of expressing things in English. However, I do not speak in Korean the way I speak in English. For example, if someone asks me in Korean if I want to have something, I would not simply say, ―I don‘t want to have it.‖ I would give a really long answer for the question to make my response more ambiguous. Since I know Korean well, I think more before I talk. I convey more complex meanings and use abstract and vague expressions when I communicate in Korean. I think more before I say things to make my message ambiguous when I speak in Korean. However, when I speak in English, thinking does not help me come up with more sophisticated expressions. But, sometimes, when I speak in English, I wonder whether or not I make a mistake. Also, when I hear other non natives speaking in English, I have the same concerns. When I speak in English, as I said before, I tend to express emotions directly, but I feel that maybe I should think more to find indirect expressions. I feel that ―No‖ and ―Yes‖ are really strong when I speak in English. I also tend to exaggerate when I speak in English. For example, when I say, ―I like it‖, I usually say, ―I really like it‖. I noticed that, when I speak in English, I tend to use words that emphasize the meaning frequently, although I do not mean it. Koreans do not usually say the expression, ―Really like it.‖ I think Americans are inclined to exaggerate their emotions. So I am more likely to use more exaggerated expressions when I speak in English. I remember watching the Sofa and Express advertisement on TV right after I came to America. The person in the advertisement said, ―I love sofas‖. I thought that it was ridiculous. How could a person love sofas? But now, I hear myself saying ―love‖ a lot. Even when I eat food, I say, ―I love it.‖ It is ridiculous. How could I ―love‖ food? For Koreans, love is a sacred word that even people who are in love do not say often to make it more meaningful. But in America, people say they love cats, dogs, and even sofas. Americans express their emotions more frequently than Koreans do. I think the English language allows people to exaggerate emotion. I don‘t think people really love sofas. They can say that they really like sofas. Koreans do not value expressing emotions. They act the same whether they are happy or sad. When I was young, I thought that people who strongly expressed their feeling were frivolous. I think I have become frivolous since I came to America. After living in America for several years, I also noticed some changes between my first year and now. During the first year, I was afraid to leave my apartment, but I am not that way anymore. I do not feel anxious or nervous when I run into Americans anymore. Another change is that I do not have high expectations about my life in America anymore. Looking back, I think that I expected a lot of things in my first year. Everything was new, and I expected to experience something new all the time. But now, I am used to my life in America so I do not experience new things often. I realized from talking with Americans that, although Americans and Koreans looked different from the outside, there are more similarities in everyday life between Koreans and Americans. Actually, it was another lesson from
319 experiencing diversity. Although people are different in many ways, fundamentally they are the same. I always thought that foreigners must think differently from me but I do not think that way anymore. I stereotype people less as a result of living in America and I think it is one of the positive aspects of living here. Some people talk about the way Chinese people are, the way Japanese people are, the way American people are although they live in America. But I have found more similarities among groups of people than what I had imagined. From the experience of living in America, I also leaned that American culture is a lot different from what I thought it would be. My experiences challenged my stereotypes about America. For example, I thought that I would see a lot of Americans kissing on the street or cussing in public. I also thought that since America is a wealthy country, Americans would be luxurious, but they are frugal. When I was in Korea, I lived in a big city. I had a busy life style. Compared to that, Americans in my city have a more family centered and simple life style. They go to church on Sunday, have meals with the family, and go to bed early. I think it is good. I have more time for myself in America, and I have tried things like making quilts and reading books. I also have more time to think about everything. Compared to my life in Korea, I spend less time drinking and partying and have found more things that I could enjoy. I feel that I am now living like a small town person. I have a lot of spare time in America compared to my life in Korea. So, I have more time to contemplate on myself and other people. Through thinking about a lot of things when I am alone, I have been developing my own perspectives on understanding people. My lifestyle has changed after living in America. When I was in Korea, I thought that it was important to work hard, make money, save money, buy a house, buy nice clothes, and take care of parents. In America, I live like a college student in a way. I do not have a desire for material things not only because we do not have money but also both my husband and I are studying. What I study in ESL class is junior high school level. I feel like going back to junior high school again while studying things that I studied when I was in junior high school. I feel like growing up all over again. In America, I do things that I used to do long time ago like studying English. I am experiencing a new culture and have a desire to learn more and study more again. When I was in Korea, I thought that I was done with studying, but, when I came to America, I realized that there are a lot of things that I do not know about. For example, if I meet someone from another country, and if I do not know much about his/her culture, I would study his/her culture to find topics to talk about. In order to become a friend with someone from another culture, I need to make an effort to get to know the person‘s culture. Meeting someone from another culture motivates me to study things that I learned in world history class or geography class. Information about other cultures and countries has become more meaningful because it is associated with my personal experiences. In addition, when I travel in America, I see things that I learned in textbooks and instantly it becomes more meaningful. I have found that learning comes naturally through experiencing.
320 Minho‘s story Although I live in America, my life is not much different from that in Korea. There are several Koreans in the engineering department, so I am surrounded by Koreans. There are only a few places where I spend most of my time in America, and within my radius, I do not experience many differences from my life in Korea. For example, when I used to study in the engineering library, sometimes I felt that I was in Korea because there were a lot of Korean students smoking cigarettes and chatting in front of the library in the evening. I saw a few Americans walk by the library, and I almost felt that they were the foreigners because there were more Koreans than Americans out there. I did not experience much change in my life style after I came to America. I think it was because I have not lived with my family since I was twenty years old. So, although I live in a different country now, my life style has not changed much. The only difference is that, until 1999, I did not have to think about food, clothes and a place to stay because I was in the Korean army. My uniform was provided by the military, and I had meals prepared by cooks in the army. But now, as an international student, I have to come up with money to pay for tuition. In addition, the biggest difficulty for single international students is not the schoolwork but the managing of a household; figuring out things that are essential for living. I learned from this experience that it is possible to be consumed by just taking care of the basic needs. It gives me an opportunity to think about how many things I did not have to worry about. However, I do not think that I experienced such changes just because I came to America. The changes in life style, in my case, were not caused by coming to America but caused by leaving the Korean army. I have to admit that when I decided to come to America, I was worried by the idea of leaving Korea to go to a graduate school in America. I agonized over the decision of coming to America to study and worried about how I would overcome all of the challenges. I also felt sad about going far away from my parents. Although I left home when I was 20 years old, I could visit my parents whenever I wanted to see them when I was in Korea, but knowing that I would not be able to visit them often if I left Korea made me feel sad. Initially, it was difficult, but, now, I feel less emotional about it. It is another change. Speaking of changes in my life, I think there were some changes between the first time and the second time coming to America. I went back to Korea after receiving my master‘s degree and worked for a year before coming back to start my Ph.D. program. The first time I was in America, I struggled with financial problems. But, while I was working in Korea for a year after receiving master‘s degree, I figured out ways in which I could resolve potential financial problems through exploring potential financial resources. That was the biggest difference between the first time I came to America and now. As a result of living in America, I developed a negative perception of Americans and American society. If someone asked me about my impressions of American society, I would say that it is hypocritical. When I was in my early twenties, I felt happy when Americans
321 praised me for my English. I thought that American culture must value giving praise to others. However, after I came to America and heard Americans talking about foreigners‘ English, I realized that they did not really mean it when they praised a foreigner‘s English. I found that Americans make fun of foreigners‘ English, and even on television programs, I often see Americans look down on foreigners or joke about their English. It gives me negative impressions about Americans. I was thinking that Americans must be insecure since they have to make a fun of foreigners‘ English. It was disappointing to witness that what Americans say in front of the foreigners and behind their back is different. Language is just one example, but also other things have given me negative impressions of American society. Especially my experience with their medical system revealed a lot of problems-- I feel that an advanced nation like America should not have that many problems with their medical system. I am not sure what the standards for an advanced nation are, but my experience with the American system was different from that of my idea of an advanced nation. I did not have many fantasies about America to begin with, but after living in America, I no longer have any fantasies about America. I also developed negative feelings toward America after witnessing America abusing their power and misguiding their people. When 9/11 happened, the mass media moved the focus from Afghanistan to Al-Qaeda to Iraq. I have read a lot of information from different sources and found contradictions everywhere. The government said to the people that they attacked Iraq to protect homeland security, but I am not sure about the relationship between homeland security and attacking Iraq. It seemed that Americans were buying into what the government said. I witnessed that Americans have changed since then. A few years ago, American newspapers reported that North Korean had hydrogen bombs which were more dangerous than the atomic bomb because nuclear fusion happens when the hydrogen bomb explodes whereas unclear fission happens when the atomic bomb explodes. My American lab mate said, ―Amazing. North Korea is a hydrogen power‖, and talked about North Korean being a dangerous country. My other Korean lab mate asked him, ―Doesn‘t America have more nuclear weapons than North Korea?‖, and he responded that American nuclear weapons are more reliable. I was thinking at that time how could one nuclear weapon be more reliable than the other one. I am disappointed in Americans when I witness that kind of thinking style from them. It is almost like saying my love affair is romance but the other‘s love affair is infidelity. A lot of Americans have double standards for judging their country and other countries, and I do not like that. In my numerical analysis class, the class teaches efficient and reliable computing methods using computers, the professor told us that America has the two fastest super computers in the world. One super computer calculates the number of people who can be killed within the shortest period, and the other has a similar function. One does the atomic bomb related calculation and the other does the chemical weapons related
322 calculation. The American government always emphasizes doing things for world peace on the surface level, but, if it is true, why do they care about killing maximum amounts of people in a short period? Engineers working for such a project would justify their work. Otherwise how could you work on calculating the number of people they can kill by different means? I know that I only know the tip of the iceberg, but it is shocking enough. Can you imagine knowing everything that is going on behind the curtain? Also, illegal immigration is a big issue in America and Mexicans became the target. But what is the definition of illegal immigration? One of my friends told me that some of the lands in America still belong to the American Indian and Americans are using the land by contract. However, would Americans return the land to Native Americans? Europeans came to America and took the land from Native Americans by force. They came to America illegally and claimed that America is the land of freedom. But, Americans consider people who come to America to look for a job as illegal immigrants just because they do not have proper documentation. It is annoying to hear about illegal immigration from American‘s perspective. I feel that America as a nation abuses its power, and it makes me dislike this country. I studied how brutal the European countries were during the colonial period, and it seems that America took over that role in the 21st century. I witnessed it more closely since I came to America and that makes me dislike this country even more. That makes my life in America difficult. I want to leave this country as soon as possible. I dislike America because I feel the American government is hypocritical. They are good at justifying their actions. I watch CNN to practice listening in English, but it is not a pleasant experience to me because either I do not like things that I hear or I cannot understand what they are talking about. I often hear them talking about Kim Jung-Il, and, although I dislike him, I also do not like the way the American media portrays him. All these negative experiences in America have made me decide to go back to Korea after getting my degree although, initially, I thought about working in America for a while before going back to Korea. I do not think that I am influenced by American culture much because I came to America as an adult. I already have gone through many changes in my life and already had a well established ego by the time I came to America. Therefore, I already had worldviews and perspectives that would not be easily affected by external changes and that is the reason why I am not influenced by American culture much. I think that my background also has something to do with why I have not been influenced by American culture. I was born and raised in Dongduchun, one of the sub-districts of Seoul, where a lot of Americans live. I saw a lot of Americans on the street as a young child and was exposed to American culture significantly even before coming to America. Although American culture did not influence me much, I think that I am affected by American education. First of all, an American education helped me change my career path, although it was my decision. In addition, it helped me apply what I learned from school to my
323 work. My research in my master‘s program was applicable to my job in Korea. If I had gone to graduate school in Korea, that would not have been possible. Sometimes I think about how my life would be if I were in Korea now. If I were in Korea and had a job, I would probably pay more attention to practical things such as buying a house and investing money to make more money to buy a house. For a while, ―two jobs‖ was a popular thing to do in Korea. It means that people have a second job after their work schedule. For example, they tutor high school students or invest money in the stock market. Because I am in America and do not have to worry about buying a house right now, I have time to pay attention to Korean politics and world politics. I worry about my country a lot because I know more about what is going on in Korea than my friends in Korea. I watch CNN‘s reports on North Korea carefully to understand American‘s perspectives on North Korean issues. I also pay close attention to things that happen in the world. I think that has been a big change since I came to America. After living in America for several years, I also see some positive things about American life. I feel that America offers the best opportunities for people like me, who constantly ask questions about everything and tries to get to know themselves and improve their lives. Compared to Korean life, American life provides people with more privacy. People are less involved with others‘ lives and have more freedom to try different things. In that regard, America offers more opportunity to explore different options for people. I feel that I could develop my potential more in America because I could have more time for myself. In addition, I think that Americans‘ work schedules provide Americans more time to pursue personal growth. I found most Americans work eight to five whereas most people in Korea have to work more than eight hours per day. So, if one is really determined to work toward developing their potential, he can get the most out of the American system. In my case, I have tried to take the most advantage of life in America. For instance, I like playing sports and getting exercise. So, I try to use the school gym as much as I can. I also want to join a sports team at the gym if I have time. I always try to use the system that matches with my own interests as much as I can. I feel that there are a lot of well developed systems in America that offer people opportunities to deepen their interests. It seems that Korea is a country that cannot afford to offer those kinds of opportunities to people. Korea has developed significantly and has become an advanced country in the past several decades, but, in order to achieve that status, people had to devote themselves to developing the country. Because of this, Koreans have not had a chance to develop their own personal interests. Looking back on my experiences in America, I can think of several things that I have learned. I have learned that my grades do not reflect what I really know. I have also learned that I am not good at getting good grades. When I graduated from the Korean military academy, I thought about things that I had not had a chance to do and realized that I have done a lot of things. I even had parachuted in the army. But, I also realized that I did not have
324 a chance to devote myself to study. That was the reason why I decided to come to America for further education. I took more than a thousand exams while I was in the Korean military academy, but I did not think that required real academic work. I wrote this in my diary before I came to America: ―I will go to America to study in a few days. I feel excited and anxious.‖ At that time, I wondered about my ability to compete against other students from all over the world. Now, I do not think about the competition much and decide to accept my difficulties with getting good grades. Instead, I put more meaning in learning, experiencing new things, and personal growth. I think that I have been successful in achieving those goals. My experiences in America also have made me think about orphans‘ experiences because I am like an orphan in America. My mom has been sponsoring a girl for years. My mom considers her as her daughter. She has probably graduated from high school by now. If I make money, I want to give more opportunity to the girl my mom is sponsoring. In addition, because I cannot make money freely in America due to a lot of regulations on international students, I could have first hand experience of poverty. This experience makes me think about poor people‘s life more specifically and develop a deeper understanding about their experiences. It has been a good lesson for me. I enjoy traveling, and I believe that I have grown as a result of traveling in America. I do not mean that traveling in Korea is not as good as traveling in America. But my experiences of traveling in America enabled me to compare the two countries. In addition, driving through a huge country helped me fully experience how big the world is. From traveling in America, I could recognize the amazing potential of America, which was somewhat scary. It is not easy to define the characteristics of a great country, and, in the case of America, I am not sure whether the country is great or the land is great. But in any case, I felt the potential of America through traveling in the country. After I got my master‘s degree, I traveled in America three times. I traveled to the east end of America, to the north end of America, and, since I have been to the south end of America before, I went to the west end of America. I drove through upper Michigan to Canada to Niagara Falls, and looked at Niagara Falls from the parking lot because I could not find a parking spot. It was on my trip to the North end of America. I drove to Virginia Beach and crossed the bridge that connects Virginia and Maryland. I slept in the car and drove back to my city. It was my trip to the east end of America. I was initially somewhat hesitant to drive to the west end because it is really far away from my city, but my friend encouraged me to try. So, I drove to the west to see the desert. I saw the Grand Canyon and kept driving west toward Los Angeles. At that time, I was working on a project in my lab, so I had to go back to school soon. So I was driving for 48 hours nonstop to get back to school on time. Seeing the west side of America helped me understand what a ―desert‖ really is. I thought that all desert is sandy like the desert in Iraq, but I realized that all barren land is desert. There was endless desert right by the highway, and
325 wire fence was built by the highway so no one could walk into the desert. It was amazing to see the wire fence by the highway through the far west side of America. I wondered about how long it would take to build wire fence for such a long distance. They must use a huge amount of wire to build such a long fence. It must cost a lot of money. I saw empty land by the highway for three days. It was amazing to see such a huge amount land not being utilized. It is almost like thee is land several times larger than all of Korea that is not developed yet. I thought that if that empty land were developed, America would be richer than now. The potential of America scared me. This first hand experience made me fully experience America. I am planning to travel in Alaska before I go back to Korea. I believe traveling in Alaska would give me more understanding about America. America is a scary country. It is not an easy country to deal with. I thought about how Korean politicians should change. Korea needs to have a wise president to deal with America. I watched a Korean movie about a famous Korean pro wrestler. In the movie, he said to his friend, ―I have seen amazing things in America.‖ his friend asked, ―What was that?‖, and he responded, ―I saw an endless land in America.‖ I had the same experience when I traveled in America. America has been a powerful country which has a huge influence on other countries. When I witnessed the amazing potential of America through experiencing an endless land of America, I could sense the potential power of this country and it was scary to me. Yuri‘s story I think that there are three major differences between my life in Korea and in America. First of all, when I was in Korea, I lived with my family, but in America, I live alone. So I have to face things that I did not have to think about in Korea such as looking for a place to live, packing my stuff to move to a different place, and paying for rent. I experienced a lot of school related stress in Korea, but, in America, although I have experienced some difficulties at school due to language skills, I have experienced less school related stress overall. For example, when I was in Korea, it was stressful to find academic resources. It took me too much time to track down all the articles and books that I needed. However, in America, I have never had a problem finding books and articles that I needed for my studies. I could always use inter-library loan if my school library did not have the materials that I was looking for. The materials that I needed for my studies actually existed in America. But, in Korea, I could not find materials that I needed for my studies. I could not go anywhere to find them or to make a copy of them. So looking for materials for my studies was really stressful in Korea. It has been so easy to get materials that I needed for my research in America. The third difference is the amount of traffic on the street. In Korea, although it was good to have easy access to department stores, book stores, and convenience stores, it was tiring to be exposed to noise, people, and air pollution all the time. It was always annoying to be in a crowded subway. I came to America around the time when I thought to myself that I could not tolerate that kind of life style anymore. The first place
326 where I lived in America was a small town. I almost felt like I was in a health resort to get some rest. I could ride a bike to go everywhere in town and walk to campus and did not have to deal with heavy traffic. I was really happy to get away from the busy life and crowded space in Korea and stay in a peaceful small town. The biggest difference between Korea and America regarding relationships with people at school is that, in Korea, although people say that university culture has changed recently, because I studied theater in Korea, it was difficult to avoid situations where alcohol was involved. People in my department even drank alcohol during lunch, and they asked me to drink with them. They were not pleased when I did not drink alcohol with them. People in the theater department worked on projects and planned and discussed performances while drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. But, in America, I found that alcohol does not have to be involved in spending time with people in my department although some people in my department enjoy drinking alcohol. Even when my classmates drink alcohol, I do not feel pressure to drink with them. I can maintain good relationships with them whether I drink with them or not. It is my second time in America, and I have noticed some differences in my experiences between my first time and second time in America. The first time, I felt pressure to learn English fast and write my thesis in English fast. So, I decided not to speak in Korean. But, this time, I felt more secure with English because I had been to America before and had already written my thesis in English. Another difference is that, the first time, I had more time to make friends than now because I was in the master‘s program. But, I did not find a need to make friends at that time because I had one friend from the Philippines and my priority was my school work. Now, I do not have time to make friends, but I want to make friends. One of the examples of the change related to my attitude toward relationships is that when I was in the master‘s program, I had no problem going to the recreation center alone. I even felt annoyed if other people talked to me at the recreation center because I felt disrupted. But, now, I do not want to go to the recreation center alone. I think that I experience such differences between the first time and the second time in America because my attitude toward relationships has changed with aging. When I was younger, I only focused on myself, but now I am more interested in other people. Now, I always look for people with whom I can socialize. I started to realize the importance of having friends when I joined an acting troupe before coming back to America. I was surrounded by people who were totally different from me at that time, and I felt that I was an alien around them. At that time, I started to appreciate my friends in Seoul. I started to miss my friends at my church and my college. I realized the importance of having friends who share the same background as me. I had never thought that I would be different from other people but learned that I could be different from people around me. So now I value relationships more than ever. When I was younger, I used to travel alone. I even went
327 backpacking to Europe alone. But since last year, I started to dislike doing things alone because when I do activities alone, I cannot share the memories of experiencing the activities with other people. I would be the only one who remembers my experience. Now, I want to have shared memories with others. The last difference that I experienced between the first time and the second time in America was my desire to associate with Koreans. My American classmates invited me to all their parties and events, but I did not go to any of them. I cannot understand why I did not attend their parties and social gatherings. While I was in the previous school, I attended an American church and socialized with Americans. Not only were there not many Koreans at my previous school, but also I had no interest in socializing with Koreans when I was in the previous school. But after I switched to a smaller church in my current city, I was constantly longing to have a Korean friend. I experienced changes in my experiences regarding relationships in general in America. I feel lonely in America, especially after coming back to America to work on my Ph.D. degree. When I was in Korea, I did not have time to feel lonely. There were always events such as some friend‘s birthday party, some kind of group meeting or social gathering that made me really busy. Sometimes I felt that I wanted to be alone and did not want to attend all the events. But, I had to attend all the events anyway, and that kept me busy. I do not have such events in America. Because I was always busy with people in Korea, I did not appreciate people around me. It was easy to find people who shared similar interests and values as me in Korea. Even when I was in the acting troupe, although they were very different from me, I could talk to them because we shared similar interests. We also could share our difficulties and our life stories. But in America, I could not find people with whom I could develop closer relationships. From experiencing loneliness and difficulty finding friends, I learned the importance of having social support. My status as a foreigner makes me experience some changes. Because I am in a foreign country, I had to adapt myself to a new culture and language. In order to do that, I needed to make some compromises. For example, when I interact with my professor, I think about what would be a culturally acceptable way of interacting with a professor. But I found that people in my department do not expect me to behave like Americans. They always ask me about the Korean cultural way of doing things in each situation. It is somewhat confusing to me. I tried to follow the American style, but it seems that Americans respect my cultural style. They tell me that I should follow my cultural way. I think that I have already changed a lot as a result of experiencing American culture and want to make some more changes. For example, Koreans think that it is important to be polite and follow formalities. So I used to put an emphasis on being polite and formal. But, at some point, I became more Americanized and decided to discard all the formality. For instance, initially, I could not understand American students eating food during the lecture. I thought that it was absurd. I also had
328 problems with the way American students sat in class. They looked too relaxed in class. It used to bother me a lot. I wondered about how professors tolerated students being so casual in class. But, I decided to eat in class because sometimes I felt too hungry to focus on class. I picked food that does not make noise and does not have a strong smell. It made me really anxious to eat in class initially, and I kept questioning to myself if it would be okay to eat. Several times, I only had a few bits of sandwich and stopped eating because I did not feel comfortable eating in class. But now, I eat in class if I feel hungry, and I think that it would be better to eat in class rather than not being able to focus on class because I feel too hungry. It is one of the changes that I experienced. I am working at a library and I have found that everybody takes an easy going approach to work and take breaks religiously. I used to have some issues with Americans‘ approach to work, but slowly, I am changing my mind about it because I feel too exhausted after work if I work without taking small breaks. That makes me realize the importance of twenty minute breaks. It is necessary to take a break to increase productivity. I found that if I completed the task without taking a break, I was too exhausted to do anything for a while. I ended up wasting thirty minutes doing nothing. I learned that in order to work in a consistent manner, it would be important to take a break once in a while. I could not understand my boss initially because he took so many breaks at work, but, now, I understand why my boss takes so many breaks at work. He is always in the library, so taking a break may help him increase his productivity. On the other hand, now, I can understand why Korean Americans who are working at Korean companies are criticized by Koreans. I heard Koreans complaining about Korean Americans not working hard because they take too many breaks at work. Korean Americans may not be perceived as working hard by Korean standards. But, in reality, in order to increase productivity, it is important to take breaks. I think that this belief is another change that I experienced. It seems that I prefer the American style to the Korean style. I began to dislike the Korean style. There are several things that I learned from my experiences in America. I learned that there are so many different kinds of people, and people are capable of doing anything. When I was in Korea, I only went back and forth between school, church and home. I didn't have a chance to experience things outside of my small world although I heard various incidents from the news. Because I only heard about various incidents without really experiencing them, I had no clue about how it would be like to actually experience them. All my new experiences in America made me change my mind about all the rules that I used to hold. At the same time, I experienced more confusion about everything. I am less judgmental and accusatory about others‘ behaviors. I became more open minded and accept more things than before. I accepted possibilities of anything that people are capable of doing or can happen to people. I also have seen various aspects of people including good and bad aspects. Now, I accept various aspects of human beings.
329 Another important thing that I learned in America is the importance of helping each other. I learned that through seeking help from others. When I was in Korea, I did not need to seek help from others, and my parents taught me that I should not seek help from anyone. I did not seek help from others, and was not offering help to others when I was in Korea. Because I did not need help from others, I did not have to ask for help. So, I did not know how to ask people for help. But, since I came to America, I kept running into situations where I needed help such as getting a ride or getting help for moving to another place. When I asked for help, some people told me that they could not help me because they were too busy or some people appeared to be bothered by me, and their responses made me feel bad. However, some people gladly offered me help, and, initially, I could not believe that they were willing to help me out. But when I saw them helping other people as well, I realized that there were people who were willing to help out others. I learned from them that it is important to help out others. I saw younger church members help each other, and it also made me think about the importance of helping each other in developing relationships. They constantly ask for help and offer help and take each other to dinner to express their appreciation for receiving help. Initially, I could not do what they did. If I received help from someone from whom I did not want to receive help, I could not tolerate the feeling that I owed them. So, I wanted to pay them back immediately. Once I did something for them to return their favor, I did not want to interact with them anymore because I did not want to remember receiving help from them. Now, I try to help others as much as I can. In addition, when I receive help from others, I think about ways in which I could do something for them. I think about what they might need. The downside of this is that if I feel that there is nothing I can do for the person who helped me out, I can not ask for help from him/her anymore because I feel like I owe him/her. Initially, I struggled with that idea a lot. But, slowly, I have gotten used to the situations that I could not return others‘ favor as much as they helped me. So, I changed my perspective about it. I used to think that if someone helps me, I must have to do something for the person who helped me. But, it is not always possible. So, I decided to help others who needed my help. No one can live alone, and people need others‘ help at some point. Before I needed help from others, I did not know it was important to help others. I did not know how to help others. I did not know the situation of people who sought help. I did not know that it was difficult to ask for help. I thought that it would be easy to ask for help before I started to ask for help. So, I could not understand why people were hesitant to ask for help. But, now, I understand that. I think that I experienced more changes in my thinking when I came back to America for the second time. I think that it is because the first time I was in America, I was only focused on studies, and I took advantage of all the help I received from others. Now, I am older and have more responsibility for taking care of younger students than last time. I want to cook for Korean students who offer me help to express my appreciation. I used to feel
330 stressed out about not having a place where I could invite my Korean and American friends to cook Korean dishes, but I decided to not feel too much bothered by that. I realized that it would not help me much. Instead, I will practice cooking during the summer break, so I can cook for my friends. I also experienced a lot of changes in the last year. As I mentioned before, I am not satisfied with my relationships with people in America. It used to make my life miserable, but lately, I decided to focus more on the here and now. All these changes in my thinking make my life much better. Sohee‘s story I have experienced some changes since I came to America. I think that the biggest change that I have experienced is my appearance. When I was in Korea, I thought wearing make up was really important. I have never thought about seeing other people without wearing make up. When I left my place, even when I went to a grocery market, I wore make up. I think that it was important for me to wear make up in Korea because I had no confidence in my appearance. Also, I heard about some positive effects of wearing make up such as improving productivity. I was so used to wearing make up for years in Korea that I did not feel comfortable with my bare face. Before I got married, I worried that my husband might run away if he saw my bare face. Now, after living in America for several years, I feel more comfortable with my appearance. I think that it is because I found that others do not wear make up. Especially Americans do not seem to care much about wearing make up. Another change about appearance is that since I came to America, I do not feel a need to buy new clothes every season to keep up with trends. Korean women keep up with trends diligently, and they change their make up according to the trend as well. Because I had an office job in Korea, I could observe changes in the style immediately through watching my co-workers. I have noticed that there are many more over weight people in America than in Korea and they wear what they want to wear. Many people in America do not wear make up and wear casual clothes. They look more natural to me. They wear flip-flops everywhere, and people do not seem to care about it. Watching American‘s style makes me feel that I do not have to wear heavy make up in America. I did not think that way in Korea, so it is a change. I spend less money in America because of the differences in the credit card system between Korea and America. In Korea, you get a new maximum credit line every month. So if my monthly maximum is $1000, I can spend up to $1000 every month regardless of how much I pay off from the past month‘s credit card bill. But in America, if the maximum credit line for your credit card is $1000 and you spend $1000 this month, you cannot use your credit card next month unless you pay off some money that you spent this month. A Korean credit card has a lot of other options such as no interest for the credit card expense for three months. When I was in Korea, I had more flexibility to spend money since I could spend more money using my credit card. I did not need to budget my expenses strictly since this month‘s credit card expense would not affect next month‘s credit card availability. But, in America, I always
331 have to figure out my budget to prepare for unexpected expenses in the future. So I have changed my way of managing money since I came to America. I spend money more thoughtfully in America. I think I have developed a better way of managing my money. Although I am not obsessed with every detail about my expenses, I have reduced the amount of money I waste. It is partially because I do not spend excessive money on buying clothes or shoes to follow the fashion trends, and I put more money in my savings account. There was more temptation for spending money in Korea-- seeing nice products or having a chance to split the payment into several months without paying interest. Since I came to America, I do not recall ever buying clothes because I really liked them. I consider price and necessity more when I shop in America, and if the product fits in my budget range, I buy it. Americans do not dress up as often as Koreans do. So I do not care about wearing fancy clothes as much as I used to in Korea. When I dressed up like I did in Korea and went out, people gave me a strange look. Another change I experienced is my attitude toward my job. I had been working as a waitress since I came to America. When I was in Korea, I had never imagined that I would be a waitress working at a Korean restaurant in America someday because it is a job that Koreans look down on. But I do not feel that Americans perceive waitresses the way Koreans do. In America, I am willing to work any job to make money to have a good life and I do not feel devalued by Americans because of my job. I also have developed a desire to have a more stable life since I came to America. I think America is a country where anyone can live a comfortable life if they work hard. I do not feel a need to buy a specific size condominium in a specific location like my friends in Korea. I feel more at ease in America. I discovered new options that I have never considered to be options for me, which is one lesson from living in America. My perception about in-laws also has changed in a more positive way through my experiences with my in-laws. Korean women, including me, have a lot of prejudice about in- laws, because stereotypical Korean in-laws have a lot of negative characteristics. They are usually demanding and abusive to their daughters-in-law. Married women have a difficult life because they live with their husband‘s family and serve their in-laws‘ needs like they are a servant of their husband‘s family. A common notion is that a daughter-in-law must make a phone call to her parents-in-law once a day whether she wants to or not or she has to visit her parents-in-law at least once a week. There are so many obligations that are forced upon Korean married women by the husband‘s side of family. But I do not have that kind of negative perceptions about in-laws anymore. My in-laws treat me nicely and I feel loved by them. They treat me like I am their daughter. I do not dislike my in-laws just because they are my in-laws like a lot of Korean women. I have experienced some changes because of the language I speak. I have found that my way of talking differs depending on which language I speak. When I speak in Korean, I
332 can use more gentle and polite expressions. So I can be more polite and indirect in Korean, but when I speak in English, I tend to use more direct expressions and the way I communicate does not reflect my real personality, the personality that I consider who I am as a Korean. When I speak in Korean, I can fully express the kind of person I am, but when I speak in English, I can only express myself about 50 to 70%. It affects me negatively. First of all, I talk less and less, especially when I am not at home. I became a quiet and shy person around Americans. I am not really extroverted by nature. But, ever since I came to America, I have become more timid. Especially when I am in a situation that I have to talk, I am even more timid. I am kind of a perfectionist by nature. So if I cannot formulate a perfect sentence, I do not say anything at all. I also depend on my husband more than when we were in Korea because of my problems with English. When I go out with my husband to spend time with his friends or my in-laws, I cannot do anything without him. If I am not with my husband, I feel nervous and I do not feel comfortable talking since I do not have confidence in English. Because my husband can speak in Korean, he helps me talk about things that I want to say. He says things that I want to tell others for me and I add more details here and there. It is a big improvement compared to five years ago, the first time I came to America. Some of my changes came from learning about American culture. I have noticed that there are some differences between English and Korean in expressing thoughts or feelings. For example, when Korean people give a gift to another person, they always say, ―It is not much‖, or, ―I wish I could give you more‖, but Americans do not say such things when they give a gift. It seems that Americans do not expect to receive a gift when they offer a favor, but I feel that it is right thing to buy a gift to express my appreciation. I have been expressing my gratitude toward Americans in the Korean way. But I am trying to change my attitude because I feel that it would be easier to follow the American style in America. I would have an easier life that way. I learned that Americans also have as many prejudices about international marriage as Koreans do. I learned that by witnessing how one of my classmates from Cambodia and her American husband are perceived by other classmates. She met her husband on the internet and they met for the first time in person when he went to Cambodia to marry her. They live with his parents and it seems that she does not have any freedom in America. She cannot drive and her husband or in-laws always give her a ride. One time her husband joined us when we went to have dinner together, and he did not say anything and only paid one dollar for the tip. He made all of us feel uncomfortable. It seemed that he is inconsiderate of his wife and he did not even come for his wife‘s graduation ceremony. This couple made me concerned about how me and my husband would be perceived by others. It seems that Americans don‘t understand how two people living in different countries could get married. So I worry about the possibility that people perceive me and my husband strangely. My husband came to my school a few times. At that time, he did not wear
333 nice clothes and he looked displeased because he does not want to do things that are not planned. Anyway, he was bringing things that I forgot to bring to school that day, but it was obvious that he was not in a good mood. My classmates were concerned about his look and asked me if he was okay. That made me concerned about what they thought of him. Especially after seeing my Cambodian friend‘s husband, I began to worry that my classmates may consider me and my husband as strange as my Cambodian friend couple. So I came home that day and asked my husband while holding his hands, ―I think Americans also have prejudices about international marriage. So I want you to behave in front of my friends in such a way that they do not think you are a strange man‖. I decided to not complain about my husband like I did in Korea. Koreans do not brag about their husband because they want to be modest, but, in America, if I complain about my husband, people may think my husband is a strange person. There are some things that I am having difficulty with. I learned that, in America, it is important to talk about my strengths to others, but in Korea, it is important to practice modesty. Modesty is an important virtue in Korea and I am not used to presenting my strengths and abilities to others. I feel uncomfortable bragging about myself and I particularly struggle on a job interview when my interviewer asks me about my strengths. I also realized that, when I say things in the Korean way, it can be misinterpreted. For example, Korean women complain about our in-laws or husbands to friends because we feel comfortable with them, but Americans take it literally and think our in-laws and husband are strange. When I compromise what I want to do out of consideration, Americans think that I do not want the thing that I yield to others. When I say I am not good at doing something in order to be modest, they really think I cannot do it. These sorts of things are not easy to get used to. When I was in Korea, I was surrounded by people who looked like me. So, I did not have to think about how my behavior would affect others' perception of Asians. But in America, I feel embarrassed when I see other Asians acting inappropriately because we belong to the same racial minority group. Asians are a racial minority in America, and, as a racial minority, I feel that my status is lower than the racial majority. I also feel insulted when Americans ask me whether I came from North Korea or South Korea. All these sensitivities around issues related to my race and nationality are something that I had never experienced when I was in Korea. I feel that I became a patriot since I left Korea. When I got American citizenship, I thought that my feeling at that time must have been the feeling of leaving a homeland. When I was in Korea, I was curious about how my life would turn out if I went to America. When I left Korea, I anticipated that I would have a better life in America. Now, I really miss my homeland and want to go back to Korea.
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