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Gender Relationships In Marriage and Out Edited by Rivkah Blau Robert S. Hirt, Series Editor THE MICHAEL SCHARF PUBLICATION TRUST of the YESHIVA UNIVERSITY PRESs New York OF 17 r18 CS2ME draft 8 balancediii iii 9/2/2007 11:28:13 AM THE ORTHODOX FORUM The Orthodox Forum, initially convened by Dr. Norman Lamm, Chancellor of Yeshiva University, meets each year to consider major issues of concern to the Jewish community. Forum participants from throughout the world, including academicians in both Jewish and secular fields, rabbis,rashei yeshivah, Jewish educators, and Jewish communal professionals, gather in conference as a think tank to discuss and critique each other’s original papers, examining different aspects of a central theme. The purpose of the Forum is to create and disseminate a new and vibrant Torah literature addressing the critical issues facing Jewry today. The Orthodox Forum gratefully acknowledges the support of the Joseph J. and Bertha K. Green Memorial Fund at the Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary established by Morris L. Green, of blessed memory. The Orthodox Forum Series is a project of the Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary, an affiliate of Yeshiva University OF 17 r18 CS2ME draft 8 balancedii ii 9/2/2007 11:28:13 AM Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Orthodox Forum (17th : 2004 : New York, NY) Gender relationships in marriage and out / edited by Rivkah Blau. p. cm. – (Orthodox Forum series) ISBN 978-0-88125-971-1 1. Marriage. 2. Marriage – Religious aspects – Judaism. 3. Marriage (Jewish law) 4. Man-woman relationships – Religious aspects – Judaism. I. Blau, Rivkah Teitz, 1941– II. Title. HQ525.J4O78 2005 296.7’409 – dc22 2007026007 * * * Distributed by KTAV Publishing House, Inc. 930 Newark Avenue Jersey City, NJ 07306 Tel. (201) 963-9524 Fax. (201) 963-0102 www.ktav.com [email protected] Copyright © 2007 Yeshiva University Press This book was typeset by Jerusalem Typesetting, www.jerusalemtype.com OF 17 r18 CS2ME draft 8 balancediv iv 9/2/2007 11:28:13 AM Contents Contributors viii Series Editor’s Preface xi Robert S. Hirt Preface xiii Rivkah Blau Introduction: The Past and the Future of the Forum on “Gender Relations” xv Jennie Rosenfeld 1. Of Marriage: Relationship and Relations 1 Aharon Lichtenstein 2. Marriage, Sexuality, and Holiness : The Anti-Ascetic Legacy of Talmudic Judaism 35 Adiel Schremer 3. How Jewish Society Adapted to Change in Male/Female Relationships in 19th / early 20th Century Eastern Europe 65 Shaul Stampfer 4. Sanctity, Sanity and Connectedness : Struggles For Commitment Among Orthodox Jewish Singles 85 Daniel Rothenberg 5. Perfect Person Singular : Unmarried Adults in Contemporary Orthodox American Jewish Communities 91 Sylvia Barack Fishman v OF 17 r18 CS2ME draft 8 balancedv v 9/2/2007 11:28:13 AM 6. Observations on Perfect Person Singular 115 Shmuel Goldin 7. Excerpts from Interviews with Orthodox Singles 121 Koby Frances and Jennie Rosenfeld 8. Premarital Guidance Literature in the Internet Age 131 Yuval Cherlow 9. Thoughts on Teaching Taharat HaMishpahah: The Role of the Teacher Today 173 Abby Lerner 10. Preparing Modern Orthodox Kallot and Hatanim for Marriage 207 Devorah Zlochower 11. “So She Can Be as Dear to Him as on Their Wedding Day”? Modern Concerns with Hilkhot Niddah as Demonstrated by Anonymous Email Questions 225 Deena R. Zimmerman 12. Life Values and Intimacy Education: Methods and Messages 243 Yocheved Debow and Anna C. Woloski-Wruble Orthodox Forum Seventeeth Conference 293 List of Participants Index 297 OF 17 r18 CS2ME draft 8 balancedvi vi 9/2/2007 11:28:13 AM Other Volumes in the Orthodox Forum Series Rabbinic Authority and Personal Autonomy edited by Moshe Z. Sokol Jewish Tradition and the Non-Traditional Jew edited by Jacob J. Schacter Israel as a Religious Reality edited by Chaim I. Waxman Modern Scholarship in the Study of Torah: Contributions and Limitations edited by Shalom Carmy Tikkun Olam: Social Responsibility in Jewish Thought and Law edited by David Shatz, Chaim I. Waxman, and Nathan J. Diament Engaging Modernity: Rabbinic Leaders and the Challenge of the Twentieth Century edited by Moshe Z. Sokol Jewish Perspectives on the Experience of Suffering edited by Shalom Carmy Jewish Business Ethics: The Firm and Its Stakeholders edited by Aaron Levine and Moses Pava Tolerance, Dissent, and Democracy: Philosophical, Historical, and Halakhic Perspectives edited by Moshe Z. Sokol Jewish Spirituality and Divine Law edited by Adam Mintz and Lawrence Schiffman Formulating Responses in an Egalitarian Age edited by Marc D. Stern Judaism, Science, and Moral Responsibility edited by Yitzhak Berger and David Shatz The Conceptual Approach to Jewish Learning למדות edited by Yosef Blau Rabbinic and Lay Communal Authority edited by Suzanne Last Stone War and Peace in the Jewish Tradition edited by Lawrence Schiffman and Joel B. Wolowelsky OF 17 r18 CS2ME draft 8 balancedvii vii 9/2/2007 11:28:14 AM Contributors Dr. Rivkah Blau (Editor) is the author of essays in popular and aca- demic journals, and a biography of her father, Rabbi Mordechai Pinchas Teitz, Learn Torah, Love Torah, Live Torah (Ktav, 2001; in Hebrew, V’Samahta B’Hayekha [Urim, 2006]). A member of the editorial board of Tradition, she wrote her thesis at Co- lumbia on Psalms in English poetry. Rabbi Yuval Cherlow is Rosh HaYeshivah of the Hesder Yeshiva in Petach Tikva, and a board member of the Israeli rabbinical or- ganization Tzohar. He has published extensively on Halakhah, Tanakh, and contemporary Judaism, and is a major rabbinic decisor of questions posed on the Internet. He serves on Israeli government ethics committees, including the Helsinki Com- mittee for the approval of genetic and gynecological testing of humans. Mrs. Yocheved Debow holds an MA in child clinical psychology and is pursuing a doctorate in education at Bar Ilan University. She served as Academic Principal of Fuchs Mizrachi Middle School and was the director of the Women’s Bet Midrash of the Torat Tzion Kollel in Cleveland, Ohio. Mr. Koby Frances is a doctoral candidate in clinical psychology at the City University of New York; he is writing his thesis on the psychology of sexual-religious conflict in Orthodox single men. He is a lecturer at City College of New York and co-founder of Tzelem, dedicated to promoting educational programs in the areas of sexuality and intimacy within the Orthodox community. Sylvia Barack Fishman is Professor of Contemporary Jewish Life in the Near Eastern and Judaic Studies Department at Brandeis OF 17 r18 CS2ME draft 8 balancedviii viii 9/2/2007 11:28:14 AM Contributors ix University, and Co-Director of the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute. Her most recent books are The Way into the Varieties of Jewish- ness; Double or Nothing? Jewish Families and Mixed Marriage; and Jewish Life and American Culture. Rabbi Shmuel Goldin is the senior rabbi of Congregation Ahavath Torah, Englewood, nj, and an instructor of Bible at jss and ibc at Yeshiva University. He has lectured and written exten- sively on a number of subjects including the issues confronting singles in the Orthodox community. Rabbi Robert S. Hirt (Series Editor) is the senior advisor to the president of Yeshiva University and vice president emeritus of its affiliated Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary. He occupies the Rabbi Sidney Shoham Chair in Rabbinic and Community Leadership at riets. Mrs. Abby Lerner has been a faculty member at the Yeshiva Uni- versity High School for Girls since 1988 where she teaches the course on “Women in Jewish Law.” She has also served as Director of Admissions. As the rebbetzin of the Young Israel of Great Neck she teaches young women the laws of Taharat Hamishpahah in preparation for marriage. Rabbi Aharon Lichtenstein is the Rosh Yeshivah of Yeshivat Har Etzion and the Caroline & Joseph S. Gruss Institute of Yeshiva University in Israel. He is a pre-eminent scholar and thinker and has written extensively about Jewish Law and Thought. Ms. Jennie Rosenfeld is the co-founder and director of Tzelem, an incubator project of Yeshiva University’s Center for the Jewish Future, whose mission is to develop religiously sensitive edu- cational resources on sexuality and intimacy for the Orthodox community. Dr. Daniel J. Rothenberg is Director and Associate Professor, The Psychological Counseling and Adult Development Center, The Graduate Center, The City University of New York. Dr. Rothenberg is President and International Director (Honor- ary) of Darchei Hachaim: The International Center for Jewish Leadership and Adult Development. Dr. Adiel Schremer is an associate professor in Jewish History at OF 17 r18 CS2ME draft 8 balancedix ix 9/2/2007 11:28:14 AM x Contributors Bar-Ilan University, and heads the Halpern Center for the Study of Jewish Self-Perception. The author of “Male and Female He Created them: Jewish Marriage in Late Second Temple, Mishnah and Talmud Periods” (Jerusalem: The Zalman Shazar Center for Jewish History, 2003), he has just completed a book, “Estranged Brothers: Separatism, Heresy, and Christianity in Rabbinic Judaism under the Roman Empire.” Dr. Shaul Stampfer is a graduate of Yeshiva College and received his Ph.D. from Hebrew University. He has written on the history of Jewish education in Eastern Europe, demographic history and other areas as well. He is the Rabbi Edward Sandrow Pro- fessor of Soviet and East European Jewish History at Hebrew University. Dr. Anna Woloski-Wruble is a nurse midwife with a doctorate from Columbia University, and a nurse clinician in sexuality and intimacy with a faculty practice-based clinic at the Hadassah Hospital. She serves as the Coordinator of Undergraduate Curriculum and Director of Academic Affairs and Interna- tional Relations at the Hadassah Hebrew University School of Nursing. Deena R Zimmerman MD MPH IBCLC is a pediatrician with a love of Judaic Studies who lives in Israel.