1
A TALE OF SHREK
A Musical
Adapted by Katie Preisig
Thursday 4:35 Script 2
Cast of Characters
Shrek Ryan Princess Fiona Ella Donkey Alexis Puss N' Boots James Lord Farquaad Sam Gingy/King Alisa Pinocchio Cate Peter Pan/Papa Ogre Shira Good Witch Matilda Fairy Godmother Rania Elf/Queen Hannah L. Three Little Pigs/Mama Ogre Hannah O. 3
ACT 1 SCENE 1 THE SWAMP
#1 OVERTURE
(SHREK takes his position beside a large storybook)
NARRATOR
Once upon a time, there was a little ogre named Shrek, who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. It was a pretty nasty place. But he was happy because ogre’s like nasty.
(SHREK turns the page to reveal a picture of his parents with holes cut out and actors heads stuck within the holes. They are beaming with excitement)
NARRATOR
On his 7th birthday, the little ogre’s parents sat him down to talk, just as all ogre parents had for hundreds of years before.
MAMA OGRE Listen son, you're growing up so quickly.
PAPA OGRE Although we want you here, the rules are very clear.
MAMA OGRE Now you're seven… So it's time to go away.
PAPA OGRE
Your Mama packed a sandwich for your trip.
MAMA OGRE
Watch out for men with pitchforks!
NARRATOR
And so the little ogre went off and found a muddy patch of swamp land, far, far away from the world that despised him. And there he stayed for many years. Tucked away, and all alone...which was just the way he liked it. 4
SONG - HERE I GO AGAIN
Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known Like a drifter I was born to walk alone And I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time
I'm just another heart in need of rescue Waiting on love's sweet charity And I'm gonna hold on For the rest of my days 'Cos I know what it means To walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known Like a drifter I was born to walk alone And I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again on my own Goin' down the only road I've ever known Like a drifter I was born to walk alone And I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time Here I go again
NARRATOR
I know it’s very sad but Ogres are used to that, the hardships, the indignities, the endless stream of miserable....
(FIONA enters and takes in the audience, thrilled to be the center of attention)
FIONA
Sorry I’m late. Welcome to Fiona the musical. Let’s talk about me!
NARRATOR
Once upon a time, there was a princess named Fiona, who lived in the Kingdom of Far Far Away. One fateful day, her parents told her it was time for her to be locked away in a 5
desolate tower, guarded by a firebreathing dragon.
(The QUEEN and KING appear in the holes of the storybook. FAIRY GODMOTHER is standing aside)
KING
Darling, don’t be sad.
QUEEN
You’ll have your Fairy Godmother to keep you company.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
We’re going to have so much fun! Think of all the board games we’ll play!
KING A towers not so bad.
QUEEN Just keep waiting...
KING And someday your prince will come.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away.
NARRATOR
Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? A poor little princess hidden away from the world, high in a tower, awaiting her one true...
(SHREK pushes FIONA off stage)
SHREK
Sorry about that, technical hitch. Back to the story.
NARRATOR 6
And so the little ogre went along his way. Cue the Happy Villagers!
(A group of HAPPY VILLAGERS come skipping out of SHREK’S book swinging picnic baskets and carrying blankets. Over the following song, they beckon SHREK to join them in their merriment which he does. A fire is set up during the song)
SONG - HAPPY PEOPLE
For he’s a jolly good fellow For he’s a jolly good fellow For he’s a jolly good fellow That nobody can ignore etc...
(Only now does SHREK realize that he’s standing on a pile of wood tied up to a stake. The HAPPY PEOPLE move in on the SHREK. They freeze)
NARRATOR
And so, the ogre found a perfectly rancid swamp far away from civilization. And whenever a mob came along to burn him at the stake, he knew exactly what to do.
(The HAPPY PEOPLE lift their torches and SHREK let’s out a mighty roar. The mob runs back into the book closing the page behind them and scatter off stage, screaming. SHREK is laughing)
SHREK
Keep your big bright beautiful world! I’m happy where I am, all alone.
(SHREK hangs a sign on a tree branch that says, “BEWARE OGRE”) 7
ACT 1 SCENE 2 FAIRY TALE INTRUSION
(FARQUAAD is shuffling in fairytale creatures into SHREK’s swamp)
PETER PAN
This place is a dump! Why are we even here?
(FARQUAAD holds up the sign and all the fairy tale creatures look at it while the NARRATOR reads it aloud)
NARRATOR
“All fairy tale creatures have been banned from the kingdom of Duloc. All odd and eccentric characters will be sent off to a resettlement facility.”
PETER PAN
It’s not fit for a pig.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
Hello… we are right here.
FARQUAAD
When I call your name, step forward. Peter Pan? (No answer) Peter Pan? Are you lost, boy?
PETER PAN
I’m right here!
FARQUAAD Pinocchio the puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I’m not a puppet, I’m a real boy!
(SHREK enters. He’s fuming with anger. FARQUAAD sneaks offstage.) 8
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp?!
(FAIRY TALE CREATURES gasp in fear)
THREE LITTLE PIGS
Lord Farquaad dumped us here. He huffed, and he puffed, and evicted us!
GOOD WITCH
And then he dumped a house on my sister!
ELF
No, that was Dorothy.
GOOD WITCH
Whatever. He’s still awful.
SHREK
Not my problem. Go back where you came from.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
We can’t go back! Farquaad will turn us into hot dogs.
PINOCCHIO
Or worse. A table.
PETER PAN
Lord Farquaad is bad news.
ELF
He is not on the nice list.
GOOD WITCH 9
(To SHREK) Maybe you could try talking to him?
ELF
Yea! He’ll listen to you. You’re big and scary.
SHREK
I’m also an ogre which means I stay in my swamp and avoid large crowds.
GOOD WITCH
Look here ogre, you’re the only one big and scary enough to make a difference.
(SHREK looks disappointed but gives a nod of approval. PETER PAN hands SHREK a map. HE looks at it and leaves, giving in. The FAIRYTALE CREATURES applaud) 10
ACT 1 SCENE 3 DONKEY AND PUSS N’ BOOTS
(FOREST. SHREK enters holding the map. He is spinning in circles trying to find his way when DONKEY and PUSS N’ BOOTS enter. PUSS bumps into SHREK)
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Hey! Watch where you’re going, Señor.
NARRATOR
Suddenly, we hear voices from close by. “I think they’re over here!”
DONKEY
Uh oh.
(DONKEY and PUSS N’ BOOTS look at SHREK with a “please help me” expression. SHREK rolls his eyes and roars as loud as he can)
NARRATOR
Suddenly, we hear footsteps and screams, drowning into the distance.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
That was incredible! My thirst for adventure will never be quenched!
SHREK
Good. Now go celebrate with your friends.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
I have but one amigo. That’s hardly a fiesta.
SHREK
I’m trying to get to Duloc. Know how to get there?
DONKEY 11
I’m like a GPS with fur!
SHREK
Only because I’m lost, you can come. On one condition. No jabbering.
DONKEY
Yea! Woo hoo! Alright! (Covers his mouth when he sees SHREK’s face)
(THEY walk off stage, DONKEY humming) 12
ACT 1 Scene 4 FARQUAAD’S CHAMBER
(DUNGEON. LORD FARQUAAD is interrogating GINGY)
FARQUAAD
(Mocking) Run, run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man!
GINGY
Look what you’ve done to my legs! You’re a monster!
FARQUAAD
I’m not the monster here. You are.
GINGY
You’re not even a king.
FARQUAAD
I will be as soon as I find Princess Fiona. Tell me where she is!
(FARQUAAD threatens to take off an arm)
GINGY
Do you know the muffin man?
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGY
The muffin man.
FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury lane? 13
GINGY
I heard it from the muffin man.
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?!
GINGY
The muffin man!!! Can I go now?
FARQUAAD
You haven’t told me where the Princess Fiona is.
(FARQUAAD goes for GINGY’S buttons)
GINGY
No! Not my gumdrop buttons! She’s in a dragon guarded castle.
FARQUAAD
That sounds dangerous. I’ll have to find someone else to go.
GINGY
Go figure… FARQUAAD
You’re going to the swamp!
GINGY
Swamp?! That’s the thanks I get?
FARQUAAD
Consider yourself lucky. Your expiration date has been extended. Let’s go.
(GINGY is dragged out by FARQUAAD) 14
ACT 1 SCENE 5 THE STORY OF MY LIFE
NARRATOR
Gingy made it back to the swamp only to find his friends miserable with the blues.
(GINGY enters and all the fairy tale creatures ignore her)
GINGY
I wasn’t expecting a homecoming party, but you could at least say hello!
PETER PAN
What happened to you, Gingy?
GINGY
Let’s just say I almost saw the oven light.
ELF
Those buttons didn’t suit you anyways.
PINOCCHIO
Cheated by a fox. Swallowed by a whale. That’s the story of my life.
GOOD WITCH
Every day a witchhunt.
PETER PAN
I wish I could just fly away. Anyone have any pixie dust?
THREE LITTLE PIGS
Wee, wee, wee… We want to go home.
ELF 15
Sounds like everyone needs to sing a Christmas carol.
PETER PAN
I guess happy thoughts couldn’t hurt.
ELF
The best way to spread cheer is by singing loud for all to hear!
PETER PAN
I don’t know how to sing.
ELF
Singing is just like talking.
GOOD WITCH
Only louder and longer and you move your voice up and down.
PINOCCHIO
Singing or talking, it doesn’t matter. What are we going to do?
ELF
I believe if we work together, we can work it out!
SONG - We Can Work it Out
Try to see it my way Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong While you see it your way There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long We can work it out We can work it out
Think of what you're saying You can get it wrong and still you think that it's alright Think of what I'm saying 16
We can work it out and get it straight, or say good night We can work it out We can work it out
Life is very short, and there's no time For fussing and fighting, my friend I have always thought that it's a crime So I will ask you once again
Try to see it my way Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong While you see it your way There's a chance that we may fall apart before too long We can work it out We can work it out
PINOCCHIO
Now that’s the spirit! Do you know what my cricket would say?
THREE LITTLE PIGS
Forget about that cricket! If he was so smart he would have seen that windshield coming.
NARRATOR
And so, the fairy tale creatures put their heads together and began to think about how best to get through the bad situation. 17
ACT 1 SCENE 5 THE QUEST
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Hola, are you the Lord Farquaad?
FARQUAAD
Maybe I am. Who are you?
SHREK
My name is Shrek. And all I want is my swamp back.
FARQUAAD
Wait a minute… you’re big and bulky. I’m going to send you on a quest.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
A quest? My name would become legend!
FARQUAAD
Rescue Princess Fiona from her tower and I will give you your swamp back.
DONKEY
What does Shrek know about rescuing princesses?
FARQUAAD
Just go. And take your cat and pony with you.
DONKEY
Pony? Do I look like a pony to you?
NARRATOR 18
And so they embarked on their quest. It would be a long walk to the castle and they had plenty of time to get to know each other. 19
ACT 1 SCENE 6 LAYERS
PUSS N’ BOOTS
I don’t get it, Shrek. Why didn’t you just make Lord Farquaad give you your swamp back?
SHREK
There’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Example?
SHREK
Ogres are like onions.
DONKEY
They stink and make you cry?
SHREK
No! Layers. They both have layers.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Not everyone likes onions ya know.
SHREK
This may turn into the longest day of my life.
DONKEY
I have an idea to help the time pass!
SONG: TRAVEL SONG
Sing a song 20
Yes, a travel song, When you gotta go somewhere. ‘Cause the fun is getting there, Yeah. Oh what the heck, I must confess I love a road trip!
Sing a song Hit the trail Forget the maps. Forget the guides. Before you know it, you’ve made strides with me.
And I know – all I need – all along is a path – and pal – and a song. So I’m singin’ and I’m pallin’ with you.
(REPEAT) 21
ACT 1 SCENE 7 THE TOWER
NARRATOR
They arrived at the castle which was only accessible by a rickety drawbridge. Underneath the drawbridge was molten lava. In the distance they could hear the snoring of a sleeping dragon.
SHREK
You guys wait here. I’m going in.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
You got it, Señor. I’ve gotta find a litter box or a sand box or something.
(SHREK climbs up a ladder into the tower and looks for the princess. FIONA looks around in panic. It’s finally happening. She tries to tidy up the room. FAIRY GODMOTHER wasn’t expecting a rescue anytime soon)
FAIRY GODMOTHER
What in grimms name are you doing here?
SHREK
Is Princess Fiona here?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Maybe… where’s your shining armor?
(SHREK finally climbs through her window)
FIONA
I’m here! Ready to be rescued!
(THEY climb down the ladder. DONKEY and PUSS N’ BOOTS are waiting at the bottom)
FIONA 22
Where would the brave knight be without his noble steed and his….spanish cat.
DONKEY
(To SHREK, proudly) She thinks I’m a steed.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
(SCREAMS with laughter) A talking horse!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
(SCREAMS again) What an adorable feline! I love your boots!
(SHREK takes off his helmet revealing his true self)
FIONA
(Disgusted) You’re an ogre?
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Were you expecting Prince Charming?
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Let’s see… Cinderella, handsome prince, happily ever after, NO OGRE!
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Shrek was sent by Lord Farquaad. He’s the one who sent for you.
FIONA
And where is he now?
SHREK
Waiting for our arrival. So let’s get a move on.
FIONA 23
(Screaming and protesting by sitting down) I WANT TO REST HERE!
DONKEY
(To SHREK) She’s nice.
NARRATOR
And so the group made a campsite and settled in for the night not far from the dragon guarded castle. Sunset was approaching and Fiona knew she had to be hidden away until morning. The words of her fairy godmother kept ringing in her head.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
By day one way, by night another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love and take loves true form. 24
ACT 2 SCENE 1 EVICTION
NARRATOR
Back at the swamp, things hadn’t gotten much better.
PINOCCHIO
None of this would have happened if I was a real boy. When will I be a real boy!?
ELF
Maybe when pigs fly.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
That will never happen. We’re afraid of heights.
PETER PAN
This kind of thing never happens in Neverland.
PINOCCHIO
Just when you think life couldn’t get any worse.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
I really thought Shrek was going to help us.
GOOD WITCH
(Clicking here heels) Why won’t these things work!
PINOCCHIO
Sometimes being a puppet stinks like pine sap.
ELF
That’s right, let it out everybody. I’m all ears. 25
PETER PAN
Maybe if we all close our eyes and clap really hard!
GINGY
Oh, grow up.
PETER PAN
I won’t grow up!
GINGY
Where to now?
GOOD WITCH
There’s a landfill with our name on it.
GINGY
A landfill? Are you kidding me? What’s next a septic tank?
THREE LITTLE PIGS
Hogwash! We won’t move again! (Sits down in protest)
GOOD WITCH
It’s about time we stood up for ourselves.
PINOCCHIO
If we can’t live where we want, let’s make this place worth living in!
ELF
I love decorating! I’ll get the tinsel.
PETER PAN 26
Forget the Christmas decorations. Let’s go tropical.
NARRATOR
And so the fairy tale creatures got out there tiki torches and coconut bowls and made themselves an oasis. 27
ACT 2 SCENE 2 DULOC
NARRATOR
As they approached Duloc, Fiona got cold feet and decided it wasn’t the right time to turn herself in.
FIONA
I was just thinking… I’ve spent my whole life waiting for this. What’s one more night?
SHREK
Alright… I’ll find us some dinner.
NARRATOR
As the sun went down, Fiona hid back inside her tent away from the rest of the group. Donkey and Puss N’ Boots were playing and ended up diving into her tent without knocking.
DONKEY
(Screams) What did you do with the princess?
FIONA
Donkey, it’s me.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
You ate the princess! (HE takes on a fighting pose) Fear me if you dare!
FAIRY GODMOTHER
It’s Fiona, you hairball!
FIONA
By day one way, by night another. It’s a curse (SHE starts to cry)
DONKEY 28
Alright, calm down. It’s not that bad.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
This happens to her every night. It is that bad.
DONKEY
You know that big green guy that rescued you? He’s an ogre too, ya know.
FIONA
He can’t know! All of you, promise me you won’t tell him.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Alright, I promise.
DONKEY
I promise, too. But you should tell him. 29
ACT 2 SCENE 3 RETURN OF THE SWAMP
NARRATOR
After a lot of stalling, Shrek and the gang eventually brought Princess Fiona to Lord Farquaad.
SHREK
The princess. As promised. Now give me my swamp back.
FARQUAAD
It’s yours. Step away before I change my mind.
NARRATOR
As simple as that, Princess Fiona was taken away. Shrek didn’t put up any fight or even say goodbye which surprised Donkey.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
(To FARQUAAD) If you’ll excuse me I’ll be joining the princess.
FARQUAAD
No way. Nothing with wings allowed in this city.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
You must be kidding… I’ve been with Fiona since she was a little girl!
FARQUAAD
I don’t see how that’s my problem.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Where am I supposed to go?
FARQUAAD 30
You’ll have to find another hopeless princess to follow around. Now move!
NARRATOR
As simple as that, Princess Fiona was taken away. Shrek didn’t put up any fight or even say goodbye which surprised Donkey.
DONKEY
(To SHREK) You’re letting her get away!
SHREK
So what? I want to be alone.
DONKEY
Last night I was talking to her and
SHREK
You’re best friends. I get it. So follow her home.
DONKEY
But I want to follow you!
SHREK
I want to be alone, Donkey! Beat it!
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Hey Donkey, why the long face?
DONKEY
I’m reminded of the time the farmer traded me in for a bag of beans…
PUSS N’ BOOTS
I’m sorry, boss. He’ll come around. 31
NARRATOR
Donkey and Puss N’ Boots realized then that if Shrek gets his swamp back, that must mean that all the fairy tale creatures will not be able to live there. Where would they go?
DONKEY
So, Lord Farquaad… I really enjoyed this quest.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Now you will be releasing everyone from Shrek’s swamp?
FARQUAAD
(Laughing) And let all you creatures of the night run free in our kingdom?
DONKEY
But you promised Shrek!
FARQUAAD
Run away before I pin another tail on you!
NARRATOR
Donkey and Puss N’ Boots raced back to the swamp to warn their friends that Shrek would be coming back expecting his swamp evacuated. 32
ACT 2 SCENE 4 TRASHING THE SWAMP
NARRATOR Donkey and Puss N’ Boots arrived at the swamp to find everyone lounging in beach chairs, sipping on smoothies and listening to Jimmy Buffet.
(PINOCCHIO and THREE LITTLE PIGS are playing cards)
PINOCCHIO
If I didn’t have a conscience, I’d hope that ogre never came back.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
I’d take him over the big bad wolf any day.
DONKEY
What did you all do!?
PETER PAN
We cleaned! Doesn’t it look great?
GOOD WITCH
We all pulled together our powers and transformed the swamp into a vacation retreat.
PINOCCHIO
We figured we’d better make the best of it.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
Well, now you’ve ruined it. Shrek’s coming back and he expects you all to be gone.
ELF
Why would we leave this amazing estate?
DONKEY 33
Because Lord Farquaad promised him his swamp back.
PETER PEN
Where are we supposed to go?
PUSS N’ BOOTS
That’s the thing. Lord Farquaad’s not following through.
GOOD WITCH
Great! So we can stay.
ELF
Maybe we better mess this place back up…
GINGY
(He’s been tanning) Seriously? I’m just beginning to brown.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
We will never say no to a pigsty.
GOOD WITCH
Maybe Shrek will let us stay if we destroy the place.
PINOCCHIO
Alright everyone… grab some mud and let’s get messy!
PETER PAN
I’ll unleash the leeches! 34
ACT 2 SCENE 5 OUR SWAMP
NARRATOR
Shrek returned from his quest. Back at the swamp, things were a little tense. Shrek was in no mood for company.
PETER PAN
It’s freezing out here. When’s Shrek going to get over that Princess?
ELF
He has to let us inside sooner or later.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
If only we had some wood to burn… (looks at PINOCCHIO)
PINOCCHIO
Watch it. We’re also very hungry and I’m craving sausage links!
NARRATOR
Princess Fiona and her Fairy Godmother arrive at the door of Shrek’s cottage to find all the fairy tale creatures locked out.
FIONA
Donkey? Puss? What are you all doing out here.
PINOCCHIO
Well, ever since you abandoned Shrek he’s been in a terrible mood.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
Really? Because things didn’t work out so well with Lord Farquaad.
THREE LITTLE PIGS 35
Why don’t you just tell him you're an Ogre?
PINOCCHIO
Yea, we’re all a little “enchanted” around here. What’s the big deal?
FIONA
That’s exactly what I came here to do. (She bangs on the door)
(SHREK opens the door and screams when HE see’s HER)
FIONA
It’s me, Fiona.
SHREK
Get outta town.
THREE LITTLE PIGS
Shrek, it’s really her. The princess.
SHREK
Wow. You look… umm… like an ogre.
FAIRY GODMOTHER
She hasn’t been getting much sleep.
FIONA
I didn’t want you to know.
PUSS N’ BOOTS
But, she came back because she can’t live without her amigos!
FIONA
Actually, yes. I want to stay with you. 36
SHREK
You’re always welcome here at my swamp.
ALL FAIRY TALE CREATURE
Ahem.
SHREK
Our swamp. NARRATOR
And so, that is how the little ogre came to live on the swamp with a beautiful princess and a host of other fairy tale creatures.
SONG I’m a Believer
I thought love was only true in fairy tales Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me That's the way it seemed. Disappointment haunted all my dreams.
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer Not a trace of doubt in my mind. I'm in love, I'm a believer! I couldn't leave her if I tried.
I thought love was more or less a given thing, Seems the more I gave the less I got. What's the use in tryin'? All you get is pain. When I needed sunshine I got rain.
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer Not a trace of doubt in my mind. I'm in love, I'm a believer! I couldn't leave her if I tried.