1 A TALE OF SHREK A Musical Adapted by Katie Preisig Thursday 4:35 Script 2 Cast of Characters Shrek Ryan Princess Fiona Ella Donkey Alexis Puss N' Boots James Lord Farquaad Sam Gingy/King Alisa Pinocchio Cate Peter Pan/Papa Ogre Shira Good Witch Matilda Fairy Godmother Rania Elf/Queen Hannah L. Three Little Pigs/Mama Ogre Hannah O. 3 ACT 1 SCENE 1 ­ THE SWAMP #1 OVERTURE (SHREK takes his position beside a large storybook) NARRATOR Once upon a time, there was a little ogre named Shrek, who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. It was a pretty nasty place. But he was happy because ogre’s like nasty. (SHREK turns the page to reveal a picture of his parents with holes cut out and actors heads stuck within the holes. They are beaming with excitement) NARRATOR On his 7th birthday, the little ogre’s parents sat him down to talk, just as all ogre parents had for hundreds of years before. MAMA OGRE Listen son, you're growing up so quickly. PAPA OGRE Although we want you here, the rules are very clear. MAMA OGRE Now you're seven… So it's time to go away. PAPA OGRE Your Mama packed a sandwich for your trip. MAMA OGRE Watch out for men with pitchforks! NARRATOR And so the little ogre went off and found a muddy patch of swamp land, far, far away from the world that despised him. And there he stayed for many years. Tucked away, and all alone...which was just the way he liked it. 4 SONG - HERE I GO AGAIN Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known Like a drifter I was born to walk alone And I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time I'm just another heart in need of rescue Waiting on love's sweet charity And I'm gonna hold on For the rest of my days 'Cos I know what it means To walk along the lonely street of dreams Here I go again on my own Going down the only road I've ever known Like a drifter I was born to walk alone And I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time Here I go again on my own Goin' down the only road I've ever known Like a drifter I was born to walk alone And I've made up my mind I ain't wasting no more time Here I go again NARRATOR I know it’s very sad but Ogres are used to that, the hardships, the indignities, the endless stream of miserable.... (FIONA enters and takes in the audience, thrilled to be the center of attention) FIONA Sorry I’m late. Welcome to Fiona the musical. Let’s talk about me! NARRATOR Once upon a time, there was a princess named Fiona, who lived in the Kingdom of Far Far Away. One fateful day, her parents told her it was time for her to be locked away in a 5 desolate tower, guarded by a fire­breathing dragon. (The QUEEN and KING appear in the holes of the storybook. FAIRY GODMOTHER is standing aside) KING Darling, don’t be sad. QUEEN You’ll have your Fairy Godmother to keep you company. FAIRY GODMOTHER We’re going to have so much fun! Think of all the board games we’ll play! KING A towers not so bad. QUEEN Just keep waiting... KING And someday your prince will come. FAIRY GODMOTHER Remember, happiness is just a teardrop away. NARRATOR Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? A poor little princess hidden away from the world, high in a tower, awaiting her one true... (SHREK pushes FIONA off stage) SHREK Sorry about that, technical hitch. Back to the story. NARRATOR 6 And so the little ogre went along his way. Cue the Happy Villagers! (A group of HAPPY VILLAGERS come skipping out of SHREK’S book swinging picnic baskets and carrying blankets. Over the following song, they beckon SHREK to join them in their merriment which he does. A fire is set up during the song) SONG - HAPPY PEOPLE For he’s a jolly good fellow For he’s a jolly good fellow For he’s a jolly good fellow That nobody can ignore etc... (Only now does SHREK realize that he’s standing on a pile of wood tied up to a stake. The HAPPY PEOPLE move in on the SHREK. They freeze) NARRATOR And so, the ogre found a perfectly rancid swamp far away from civilization. And whenever a mob came along to burn him at the stake, he knew exactly what to do. (The HAPPY PEOPLE lift their torches and SHREK let’s out a mighty roar. The mob runs back into the book closing the page behind them and scatter off stage, screaming. SHREK is laughing) SHREK Keep your big bright beautiful world! I’m happy where I am, all alone. (SHREK hangs a sign on a tree branch that says, “BEWARE OGRE”) 7 ACT 1 SCENE 2 ­ FAIRY TALE INTRUSION (FARQUAAD is shuffling in fairytale creatures into SHREK’s swamp) PETER PAN This place is a dump! Why are we even here? (FARQUAAD holds up the sign and all the fairy tale creatures look at it while the NARRATOR reads it aloud) NARRATOR “All fairy tale creatures have been banned from the kingdom of Duloc. All odd and eccentric characters will be sent off to a resettlement facility.” PETER PAN It’s not fit for a pig. THREE LITTLE PIGS Hello… we are right here. FARQUAAD When I call your name, step forward. Peter Pan? (No answer) Peter Pan? Are you lost, boy? PETER PAN I’m right here! FARQUAAD Pinocchio the puppet. PINOCCHIO I’m not a puppet, I’m a real boy! (SHREK enters. He’s fuming with anger. FARQUAAD sneaks offstage.) 8 SHREK What are you doing in my swamp?! (FAIRY TALE CREATURES gasp in fear) THREE LITTLE PIGS Lord Farquaad dumped us here. He huffed, and he puffed, and evicted us! GOOD WITCH And then he dumped a house on my sister! ELF No, that was Dorothy. GOOD WITCH Whatever. He’s still awful. SHREK Not my problem. Go back where you came from. THREE LITTLE PIGS We can’t go back! Farquaad will turn us into hot dogs. PINOCCHIO Or worse. A table. PETER PAN Lord Farquaad is bad news. ELF He is not on the nice list. GOOD WITCH 9 (To SHREK) Maybe you could try talking to him? ELF Yea! He’ll listen to you. You’re big and scary. SHREK I’m also an ogre which means I stay in my swamp and avoid large crowds. GOOD WITCH Look here ogre, you’re the only one big and scary enough to make a difference. (SHREK looks disappointed but gives a nod of approval. PETER PAN hands SHREK a map. HE looks at it and leaves, giving in. The FAIRYTALE CREATURES applaud) 10 ACT 1 SCENE 3 ­ DONKEY AND PUSS N’ BOOTS (FOREST. SHREK enters holding the map. He is spinning in circles trying to find his way when DONKEY and PUSS N’ BOOTS enter. PUSS bumps into SHREK) PUSS N’ BOOTS Hey! Watch where you’re going, Señor. NARRATOR Suddenly, we hear voices from close by. “I think they’re over here!” DONKEY Uh oh. (DONKEY and PUSS N’ BOOTS look at SHREK with a “please help me” expression. SHREK rolls his eyes and roars as loud as he can) NARRATOR Suddenly, we hear footsteps and screams, drowning into the distance. PUSS N’ BOOTS That was incredible! My thirst for adventure will never be quenched! SHREK Good. Now go celebrate with your friends. PUSS N’ BOOTS I have but one amigo. That’s hardly a fiesta. SHREK I’m trying to get to Duloc. Know how to get there? DONKEY 11 I’m like a GPS with fur! SHREK Only because I’m lost, you can come. On one condition. No jabbering. DONKEY Yea! Woo hoo! Alright! (Covers his mouth when he sees SHREK’s face) (THEY walk off stage, DONKEY humming) 12 ACT 1 Scene 4 ­ FARQUAAD’S CHAMBER (DUNGEON. LORD FARQUAAD is interrogating GINGY) FARQUAAD (Mocking) Run, run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the Gingerbread Man! GINGY Look what you’ve done to my legs! You’re a monster! FARQUAAD I’m not the monster here. You are. GINGY You’re not even a king. FARQUAAD I will be as soon as I find Princess Fiona. Tell me where she is! (FARQUAAD threatens to take off an arm) GINGY Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGY The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury lane? 13 GINGY I heard it from the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man?! GINGY The muffin man!!! Can I go now? FARQUAAD You haven’t told me where the Princess Fiona is. (FARQUAAD goes for GINGY’S buttons) GINGY No! Not my gumdrop buttons! She’s in a dragon guarded castle. FARQUAAD That sounds dangerous. I’ll have to find someone else to go. GINGY Go figure… FARQUAAD You’re going to the swamp! GINGY Swamp?! That’s the thanks I get? FARQUAAD Consider yourself lucky. Your expiration date has been extended. Let’s go. (GINGY is dragged out by FARQUAAD) 14 ACT 1 SCENE 5 ­ THE STORY OF MY LIFE NARRATOR Gingy made it back to the swamp only to find his friends miserable with the blues.