April 2014 Vol. 5 No. 5

RowlandClaire Wang Hall Introduces New Schedule 5, 8, 13, 21, etc. with each number being the number of letters in the color name, and ev- Editor-in-Chief sum of the two numbers preceding it. ery other week, the class orders in the day Rowland Hall has developed a new Here’s a simplifi ed version of how the will alternate in reverse alphabetical, but for schedule for the 2014-2015 school year. schedule will run: the fi rst class of the day, students will go to School administrators hired professional Each day will have 4 periods but stu- classes whose color refl ects the tint of the school calendar consultant-philosopher- dents will be able to sign up for 8 classes, Great Salt Lake at that given moment, an d psychologist Hubert Herbert to come in and each of which will be assigned a different then on days of js=-4=+ the wweekkk w design a new, innovative class schedule to color (magenta, blood orange, magic mint, her e the sun rizez be 4 8:fi fteen in maximize effi ciency, minimize confusion, celadon blue, moose, aquamarine, wisteria, the morni.hsdlkgsd cngtcrfk,tvo;cfr4p†÷≥n and improve students’ math skills and their and mulberry), and each day of the week bgf HIOYT(*k jns khjwnekd. A;oiw 90 4ed- connection with nature. will be assigned a number in the Fibonacci jkl 666 then students have the option of at- Though many have praised this year’s sequence (but only the even numbers), and tending a seminar ab outtt slkhk hke 9u2 schedule for making classes more effi cient on days where the Fibonacci number aligns 23)9430¶™ªº– then a fi eld of goats will run and reducing the amounts of homework, with the number of words in Cosmopoli- into schoo l kslk u494 420 TURN ^^ shk- others believe the sequencing is too compli- tan’s horoscope for Virgos, then students dl87894w, and so on and so on. cated and confusing. The new schedule will will have classes in the blue color scheme, Upper School Vice Principal Ryan Ho- retain the benefi ts of the current schedule and on days where the Fibonacci number glund commented, “This schedule inspires with a new twist. is a perfect square, the class sequence or- students to lead ethical and productive lives The schedule that Mr. Herbert devel- der will be inverted and students will have through a college preparatory program that oped will be based off of the Fibonacci se- classes with colors starting with the letter promotes the pursuit of academic and per- ries, a numerical series that often appears in “M,” and on days following that day, stu- sonal excellence.” biological settings. The series runs 1, 1, 2, 3, dents will attend classes that have an odd Mr. Herbert added, “Um… yeah.” IN THESE PAGES...

PRECOCIOUS

Third grader graduates early, goes to Yale. Rowland Hall takes college prep to the next level.

NEW PROJECT 11 In response to dire need, Liz Paige announces that Project 11 will henceforth be “Project Parallel Parking.”

PLAGIARISM

10 students expelled for selling detention essays. “It’s unethical to prey on people’s deperation,” Ryan Hoglund says.

TUTTLECUPPING

Outbreak of faculty violence ends with the arrests of Missy Tschabrun and Garrett Stern, ringleaders in the vicious Tuttle Cup gang war.

NEW TECHNOLOGY

New initiative at Rowland Hall will give all Lower School students iPants.

BREAKING NEWS Rowland Hall student goes to Cof- fee Garden. Orders latte. 2 April 1, 2014 Features [email protected] Rowland Hall Gazette Hit New Rap Song Respects Spring Break Fails to Satisfy Women Chris Diehl should have mango welcome drink.” Claire Wang Staff Writer Throughout the week, iamtotesfab.trav- Editor-in-Chief A Rowland Hall student, on her recent el.omg was updated with reports of the stu- Rap artist Mynkind recently released her spring break vacation to Monaco, expressed dent’s many problems. The food of Monaco first album,I Respect Your Agency, which has her disappointment with her vacation spot did not seem to suit the student’s picky pal- shot to the top of Billboard’s list of top 100 on her travel blog, iam- albums. The unforeseen success of her mu- totesfab.travel.omg. sic, which combines the rhythmical inten- Early on, she detailed sity of hip-hop with female-friendly lyrics, her “terrible” experience has surprised many music analysts and has on the plane. She wrote, placed Mynkind on the radar of rap fans na- “My parents bought me tionwide. business and NOT first class? What EVEN!?!” Eyewitness and experi- enced traveler First Mate Gilligan, in an exclusive interview with The Ga- zette, claimed he saw the student “punch the airport golf cart driver in order to make her flight on time after she was delayed in receiving her time-consuming and de- The Sun is the star at the center of our solar system. It deter- tailed order at the airport mines the Earth’s climate. The radius of the sun is whopping Starbucks.” The student 695,508 kilometers! It is about 4.6 billion years old. The Sun is continued to express her a yellow dwarf, which means that it is one of the cooler types of contempt for the plane stars. Even then, the sun is a 5500 °C! That’s pretty hot! Kanye embraces feminism with his new al- ride on her blog, saying, bum Sheezus. “I HATE turbulence; I spilled my latte! What ate: “A mushroom souffle without shaved the heckie?! Don’t crash the plane. #LostSea- truffle might as well be mushroom poop.” son7.” The coffee at the hotel did not seem to satisfy The album’s most popular tracks include The student’s trip continued to go poorly her raging caffeine addiction. The student “99 Problems but Gender Equality Ain’t after she left the airport. She tweeted, “#tax- wrote, “What hotel does not have a coffee One” and “Patriarchy Don’t Kill My Vibe.” issuck #wheretheheckieismylimo #Mo- drink ending with a ‘cino’?” The student Mynkind’s iconic lyrics, such as “Ten, nacoDisappoints.” The arrival at the hotel was later hospitalized from fainting after the ten, ten, twenty on your payroll, fellow em- didn’t seem to improve her mood either. Her concierge told her the nearest Starbucks was ployee” and “All I want for my birthday is a review on tripadvisor.com stated that the ten blocks away. Clearly Monaco’s reign as Halloween costume that isn’t just lingerie,” hotel “gave me a lukewarm towel instead a top tourist destination is over. Welcome to have become well known and are frequently of a warm one and my fruity beverage was the top, Detroit. quoted in social media and in feminist aca- mango. Seriously? Mango? No 5-star hotel RAP continues on page 4 Cash Cache: The Rise of the Art Industry Today Jenna Reed the notable Russian connois- father’s cod-liver oil empire. in Thursday’s sale. Guest Writer seur, Wodka Tsarvokervonich. Sotheby’s Chairman Bea- L’Exposition d’art Con- Next Thursday, Sotheby’s, Tsarvokervonich, famed for his trice Stern stated, “We are con- tempt’s star work, Balloon the esteemed auction house, siderably proud to exhibit our Rakoon, by famed artist Jeff will hold its 270th L’Exposition newest addition, Viridescence, Koons, will be revealed dur- d’art Contempt in New York. a renowned work by the re- ing Thursday’s showing. “Con- Hundreds of the worlds über- clusive Japanese artist, Ftang noisseurs are simply electrified wealthy will converge for what Ftang.” The 15-foot-wide, with anticipation,” critic Roger is expected to be a record- solid green canvas left critics Muse told reporters last night. breaking sales event, where the enthralled, including the es- Contemporary artist Jeff value of the art is greater than teemed French art collector, Koons became world renowned the gross domestic product Punchy LaRue, who believes after the record breaking sale of certain small countries and the work to represent the depth of his sculpture Balloon Dog, Hermés will be as ubiquitous Photo by Cynthia Grissom. and complexity of the natural which sold for $58.4 million as denim on the high street. world. “It is not to be confused last November. Appraisers ex- “We, here at Sotheby’s, are offer to buy the Sistine Chapel, with its sister canvas, Aphro- pect the already stratospheric most indubitably enraptured appears to be interested in Don- dite at the Waterhole,” says prices to become even more in- to entertain the most acclaimed ald Judd’s Quadrilateral, which Deputy Chairman, Peregrine flated. “I believe that Balloon and reputable art critics and col- depicts a blank canvas bisected Cavendish, 12th Duke of Dev- Rakoon is the best work in my lectors from around the world,” with a single red square. Of the onshire. “The two are essen- collection thus far,” says art- says Mr. William F. Ruprecht, piece, whose pre-auction es- tially identical, and impossible ist Jeff Koons. “I really poured President and Chief Executive timate is between $30 and $40 to distinguish with the naked myself into this work. It’s my Officer of Sotheby’s. The art million, he says, “It reminds eye. Only the most experienced alter ego.” community highly anticipates me of home.” Rumored to also collectors and critics can dif- Balloon Rakoon has par- the attendance of the world’s make an appearance is the rare- ferentiate the two.” Aphrodite ticularly caught the eye of the most aggressive collectors of ly seen Icelandic collector, Sven at the Waterhole and Virides- Chinese firework industrialist, contemporary art, including Svenson, sole heir to his grand- cence will appear side-by-side CASH continues page 5 [email protected] Features April 1,3 2014 Rowland Hall Gazette The Future of the Country Lies in the Pockets of the Wealthy Mackay Hare are expected to behave in class, Guest Writer but they are permitted the right Stress among students is at to intellectually challenge the an all time high, and the col- teacher as necessary. This ap- lege admission battlefield is as proach to open debate creates a foreboding as a Civil War Spi- rich learning environment, one der hole. When every institution where the line between pupil and their overseeing board is and master is blurred. After the subject to public scrutiny, find- school gong sounds, students ing a school whose praise out- have ten minutes to exit class, weighs its unfavorable aggre- give their teacher a couple dol- gate score on ratemyschool.com lars as tip for their service, and is that much more of a chore. reflect on what they learned and Parents increasingly demand how they grew. only the most rigorous, yet en- “In order to minimize stress,” vironmentally sensitive, school- stated Judith Berezovsky, Hon- ing. Local Connecticut private orable Chairman of Student Af- school Robert E. Lee High may Mr. Wilson, the 2nd president of the United States, poses for a pic- fairs, “We don’t even mention have just the solution. ture after his first inauguration. the phrase “standardized test- We begin in an unassum- ganic fruit juice drives, and Ugg ing” until middle of their senior ing entryway. Grape and olive aware, but independently think- boot drives, a strong sense of year, nor do we have traditional branches snake themselves over ing and refreshingly unique. communal involvement is cul- bells. Less stress equates to el- the historical brick facade. Stu- Just because students pay tivated at Robert E. Lee High evated academic performance.” dents line the grass, working, $40,000/yr, their parents make School. Robert E. Lee offers a plethora reading, and sipping from non- the equivalent of 50 Chinese There is no doubt that the of engaging electives: tennis, descript clay mugs. A friendly laborers’ salaries a month, and success of the program can be croquet, polo, spoken-word po- face greets me with a free, sus- own three additional hous- related to the school’s highly- etry, chakra concentration, and tainable water bottle. She intro- es (one guest cabin and two praised teaching staff who wel- protest-sign making. There are duces herself as “Laura Bogatch: beach villas), there is no sense come all student learning types currently no athletic options Student Chairwoman of Order.” of moral obligation to service. and individual personalities. available. The diverse range On our tour of the school, she Instead, the school emphasizes The Mathematics instructor, of activities helps students be- had this to say: “[The school] re- the importance of “doing the who also teaches 13th-14th Cen- come more active community ally reminds me of, sort of, you right thing.” Rising activist and tury African American Women’s members, more expressive indi- know, a home-type feel. Not that self-professed feminist Marsha Studies, mentioned, “[My class] viduals, and more sociologically my family necessarily abides by Gordon told us that “[she] re- seems to get along with each aware diplomats. the culturally constructed con- ally want[s] to teach interpre- other well. Their sense of com- This approach works won- traception of the home, nor do tive dance to young, disenfran- fort and belonging is really im- ders. Robert E. Lee ranks nation- we support the capitalist, cor- chised, deaf, minority groups portant to me. I just got out of ally in student happiness (#55), porate hegemony of our fascist from Libya. Then I can feel good my 4th period Calculus class, showing us that taking the time overseers, but this school is as about myself.” The school staff and, you’ll have to excuse me, to love and nurture students close to a house as I have ever mandates students donate a we were talking about a stu- makes them better people alto- known.” Laura shows us that portion of their time to the less dent’s dead dog and I am still gether. not only are the students socially fortunate. Through food drives, clothing drives, DVD drives, or- a little misty-eyed.” Students Rand Paul Backpedals on Gay Marriage Michael O’Brien the United States public. Many statement. The relationship be- Paul’s office said the sena- Guest Writer citizens did not understand how tween a consenting human and tor was clearly making a joke. On Wednesday, Kentucky Paul could even relate some- a defenseless animal is a sacred “Rand did not realize his sar- Senator Rand Paul released a bond that should casm would not translate with statement claiming his compari- not even be in the the American public.” Says son of human-animal marriage same conversation Paul’s publicist Moira Bagley, to gay marriage was a “joke” with something as “Mr. Paul believes a relationship and the concept of gay marriage horrific as two men between two people of the same is “disgusting and should not be who express love to- sex is disgusting and should not compared to something as sim- wards each other.” be compared to something as ple as human-animal marriage.” When asked her simple as human-animal mar- With the repeal of DOIMA opinion, Bessie re- riage.” Paul released a statement (Defense of Interspecies Mar- sponded with an im- this Friday, saying, “I would like riage Act) in 2008, Rand Paul passioned, “moo.” to apologize deeply to all of the suggested that marriage be- Sandy Smith- hard-working, patriotic Ameri- tween a human and an animal son also gave us her cans who happen to be in rela- might lead to marriage between A Galapagos tortoise named George poses view on the situa- tionships with animals for my a man and another man or a with a fan. tion: “My life com- inappropriate comment.” woman and another woman. panion Samuel, a Of course, if human-animal Paul stated, “It is difficult, be- thing like human-animal mar- goldfish, has been left speech- marriage and bestiality becomes cause if we have no laws on riage to such a horrifying act as less since Paul’s comment. legal in all 50 states, it will not [human-animal marriage], peo- homosexual marriage. We’ve been dating for seven tumble down the slippery slope ple will take it to one extension “Frankly, I’m disturbed,” years and I’ve never seen him that leads to gay marriage. In further -- does it have to be ani- said Buck Sawtooth, as he pulled like this.” We tried to interview other related news, it was dis- mals? What if two men were to his partner Bessie the cow closer Samuel, but he simply opened covered Rand Paul dated a goat get married?” Paul’s statement to his side. “Bessie and I were and closed his mouth repeatedly throughout college. caused a major outrage within extremely upset with Paul’s in shock. 4 April 1, 2014 News [email protected] Rowland Hall Gazette

You-Know-WhoSam Galvez to Return in Fall of 2014 cate with their fellow Kenyan students. Hall’s greatest comeback since Bishop Tuttle Staff Writer Recent studies predict that Kenya, Ugan- in 1867. I already have a box of Kudos ready On April 1, 2014, Lee Thomsen received da, and Mozambique will become lead ex- for Kopish to receive when he arrives Salt a letter from former chemistry teacher Rod- porters of Legos in the next twenty years, Lake City,” Thomsen remarks. ney Kopish expressing interest in coming which will create thousands of new jobs back to Rowland Hall to teach Swahili. “The worldwide. “It’s very important to prepare moment I received the letter, I almost faint- the kids for the future, you know? Labels ed with happiness. I was very sad when say that Legos are ‘made in Denmark,’ but he left. We are more than excited to bring it’s all a lie. They are really made in Kenya him back to teach children Swahili,” Thom- by super creative children. We need to part- sen remarked. Kopish taught chemistry at ner the United States with Kenya, Uganda, Rowland Hall for three years; he then left and Mozambique. I have real hope for the to teach chemistry for a year in Moab, and economic benefits of such a partnership,” now he has decided to come back with Swa- Kopish remarks. hili swag. In addition to Swahili, the talented Mr. Some may ask, when did Kopish learn Kopish will teach new courses such as Un- Swahili? This can be answered by Kopish derwater Basket Weaving; the History of Ne- himself. Kopish recounts: “Something that braska, which will be offered to 9th graders; Utahns don’t know is that Wisconsin’s pub- Mounted Archery; AP Fashion Fundamen- lic school system requires Swahili language tals; Circus Arts, which teaches you how to credits to graduate from high school since paint your face like a scary clown; and Fur- students need to learn how to communicate niture Making, which will be offered only with large population of Kenyan people in to middle schoolers with power tools. Who Wisconsin. Diversity is very important in would have thought that Kopish was so Wisconsin.” There is no doubt that with the passionate about enriching students’ minds Kopish has changed quite a bit since we last addition of the Swahili course, students at with these courses? “We are really excited saw him. Note the grass hairstyle—he’s got- Rowland Hall will learn to better communi- to bring back Kopish. It’s probably Rowland ten in touch with his natural side.

RAP continued from page 2 demic discussions. The songs The Coffee Revolution of 2014 have also inspired a new dance Written by Cade VanOrman Just two days later, the pro- One teacher who hasn’t move called “werking” in which Staff Writer test has tripled in size including been part of the protest is Mr. Elaborated by Chris Diehl women do whatever they want Staff Writer random people from around C. When I went to his class- to do and aren’t confined to tra- Rowland Hall’s decision Salt Lake. Every teacher who room door, it was barricaded. ditional gender roles. to ban coffee has backfired. drinks coffee has been protest- He eventually let me in, and Mynkind’s sudden popu- Last week, the school released ing with signs and chanting. when I saw him, he had war larity has completely changed a statement saying, paint, camouflage, the mindset of rap listeners na- “We must practice and a .22 rifle. When tionwide. An anonymous indi- what we teach, and I asked why he isn’t vidual who identifies himself this includes free- protesting, he an- only as “Thicke” wrote in a blog swered, “There’s a dom from chemical post, “Who knew that there was storm coming, Mr. dependency,” and more to chicks than just their Wayne.” The wrap- removed all coffee bodies?” Other listeners sec- pers of Kudos bars and caffeine from onded this sentiment, adding littered his room, the faculty lounge comments such as “This song and Batman the Dark and office. After the ranks among classics such as first Monday with- Knight played on a ‘Get Low’ and ‘Rack City’” and out coffee, many of loop in the corner. “I see women in a whole differ- the teachers are pro- The city-wide protest ent light now. I can appreciate testing in front of the has slowed Salt Lake them – like art.” school. Dr. Halloran down. No business is The widespread popularity experienced major open late, and a cur- of Mynkind’s music has spurred side effects includ- few has been estab- Coffee. Guns. Wilson. other artists to release their own ing sleeping in class lished. People have feminist albums, such as Chris and blood-shot eyes that made Violence is escalating, and an been abducted and held for Brown’s I Like Women, Really, I many a junior break down and attempt to reconcile relation- ransom until the coffee restric- Swear and Tyga’s I Buy Gifts For cry. I had a chance to interview ships has been made. The Row- tion is lifted. The Chicks – I Think That’s Called Mr. Long, the inspiring leader land Hall delegation met the The Rowland Hall adminis- Respect. of the revolution. The image of teachers at Coffee Garden in a tration offers the following res- him standing on top of a smol- momentary ceasefire. The talks olution to end the demonstra- dering car in front of Rowland ended abruptly when Mr. Long tions. The ban will be lifted and Hall’s Lincoln campus has be- screamed “Viva la revolución!”, classes will resume. However, come iconic. The image, por- threw a piping hot “shot in no teacher will be permitted to traying Mr. Long shirtless and the dark” at the Rowland Hall consume more than 36 ounces Haiku By Claire Wang wearing a Che Guevara hat, representatives, and left while of coffee per day. In return, the singing old Bolshevik Revolu- school will provide a compli- was trending on every major This is a haiku. tion songs. The protestors have mentary Nespresso machine. El news site. I asked him why It’s not a very good one. christened Mr. Long the “Fa- Padre released a statement in he doesn’t like this new rule Oh well, A for effort. banning coffee. He simply an- ther of the Baristaic Age”; he is response, saying, “It’s only af- swered, “I exist to be. I cannot known among them simply as ter you’ve lost everything that be without my coffee.” “El Padre del Café.” you’re free to do anything.” [email protected] Opinion/Features April 1,5 2014 Rowland Hall Gazette Freedom from the StuCo Budget Reach- Bondage of Our Ed- es Record High Cynthia Grissom bordering Mrs. T’s classroom. Many ucational System Staff Writer students agree that it was a great way for students to be exposed to Ben Smith Throughout the year Student Adviser Council has worked hard to brighten new exotic foods. One student said, I have 19 years of teaching experience. I have taught 15 up Rowland Hall with decorations. “I’ve never had fi sh before. It tast- different classes in three separate disciplines. I believe that With their extensive budget from ed...fi shy.” makes me as qualifi ed as anyone to comment on education. the Rowland Hall coffers, they’ve Along with the remarkable fi sh After putting in countless hours and considerable effort to tank, the hallways of Upper School further the cause of educating students, I have come to one were draped in red, white, and profound conclusion: pink streamers worth over $500,000. They were hung Students do not need school. from every possible surface, the lockers, the ceiling, the drink- ing fountain, and even the fi re I know it sounds a bit rash, but hear me out. First of bells. The coverage was so all, students can learn anything they want on the Internet. thick that students were late to There is no possible way a student at Rowland Hall can class and in some extreme cases, “learn” the amount of information found on the Internet, students became lost! Tianx- so why bother? Since knowing stuff equals intelligence, we ing Jin, a junior, was lost for 48 are already geniuses. Game, set, match. hours. Luckily, she was found Secondly, there is nothing more effective than the “real near Mr. Long’s room. She told world” to provide the skills necessary for survival. Why What? The decorations? It’s a new style—minimalism. Yeah, that’s what it our reporters, “I survived by worry about your grades when you can spend your time eating the crumbs of a cheese is. Minimalism. looking for your next meal and adequate shelter? What an sandwich and sleeping on the opportunity to forge the skills and intelligence that will been able to do so many exciting bench near the stairs.” During the really get you ahead in life. What happens when nobody incident, several search parties helps you? You learn to help yourself. activities. In October they created a whole haunted path to the cafeteria were released. The situation be- It is clear to me that our current educational system is came dire when one member of the failing the needs of our students. With all their precious during the week of Halloween. In December they had fake snow fall Sands search party became trapped time spent reading textbooks, doing practice work, having down during the Grinch program at in a large cluster of white streamers. discussions and listening to lectures, not to mention the morning meeting. However, in Feb- The student said, “They [the white “mountains” of homework, there is precious little time for ruary, they really stepped up their streamers] were very disorienting. I all the social media, video games, gossip and wallowing in game with a budget of $4.5 million thought I was in the clouds.” After self pity so crucial to success. just for decorations. 45 mins, he was able to escape with The best part of this plan? It makes our jobs as teachers Student Council spent a week- only minimal bruises. Still, these ca- much more enjoyable. Not having students to worry about end hard at work covering the tastrophes are small prices to pay so would provide more opportunities to spend our time do- school head to toe in Valentine’s day that Student Council can show off ing what we really love to do: gear. These decorations included a its lavish budget. • Making connections between separate areas of aca- robot cupid in each classroom, sing- Student Council has a lot to do demic pursuits. ing telegrams, rent-a-date services, with their time here at Rowland • Applying our knowledge to solve problems in in- and to top it all, a heart-shaped fi sh Hall. Besides decorating the school, novative and creative ways. tank in the cafeteria. The fi sh in the they also handle less important jobs • Making mistakes, learning from them, and becom- tank were imported directly from such as representing the student ing better people because of it. the coast of Cape Town, South Af- body’s needs to the faculty and ad- • Thinking, and therefore caring about our place in rica. For a $50 fee students could go ministration, organizing commu- the world. fi shing then have their catch expert- nity-building dances, and raising • Sacrifi cing our time and energy for the benefi t of the ly prepared by the chefs brought in school spirit, all made possible by common good. from “The Copper Onion.” This their substantial budget. It is great So, my pupils, enjoy your freedom from the bondage service was so popular that on the to see that they have their priorities of the modern American educational institution. You are fi rst day, the line was up the stairs, in order so our school can always free. The only requirement? Give up the home, fancy cars, look festive! Starbucks, free food, parental support, healthcare, and un- conditional love provided by your families and the Row- land Hall community. Enjoy!

CASH continued from page 2 tory, a glass box fi lled with versions of Balloon Dog and “a bunch of philistines.” Pao Wao. Wao’s long-standing Hirst’s breath, which sold for Balloon Rakoon, as well as oth- Undoubtedly, many records rival, Russian collector Vladi- $48.9 million. Upon its acqui- er limited editions including will be broken during Thurs- mir Putout, will also be in at- sition, he said, “I believe this Balloon Squirrel, Balloon Ot- day’s auction; however, more tendance. Putout will be mak- work truly demonstrates that ter, and Balloon Sloth, hoping is at stake than the collection ing his fi rst appearance after a banality is dead.” to draw the younger genera- of another bauble for the rich. decline in his stock relegated Controversially, following tion to modern art. This would With an assortment of titanic him from oligarch to mere the anticipated sale of his sculp- not be the fi rst time Koons has egos battling each other for the multi-billionaire status. Most ture, Koons will be partnering collaborated with sponsors, al- best pieces, there will almost recently, Wao victoriously ac- with Ty Warner Inc.’s Beanie though he has previously re- certainly be no one admitting quired Damien Hirst’s Nuga- Babies® to market miniature ferred to corporate America as to buyer’s remorse. 6 April 1, 2014 Features [email protected] Rowland Hall Gazette

AnnouncingGeorgia Larsen Locker José Martí stated,Real “I think Estateit will be good for Reflections Chris Diehl Staff Writer the students to let their personality shine, and Staff Writer Lack of locker space has recently been this plan liberates them from the hands of the Obstacles to the lining of the plaguing Rowland Hall students. The incred- imperial system.” nose, ibly small size of the lockers has prevented stu- Methods of payment range from buying Does not smell bad. dents from being able to put enough inside the three boxes of Kudos bars for Mr. Thomsen to Attractive small hanging in front lockers. Junior Chris Diehl recently stated, “I promising to actually back up laptops. Sopho- of me, can’t even fit my three bags of golf clubs, my more Brooke Tilson managed to bargain with Smelling clean ilmaa. Mr. Thomsen and Voimakas, the smell of sage. pay him with exces- Sand, cut, win. sive photos of Justin Birds up to the moment of water, Bieber’s mug shot, Buzzing and gergaling sang. thus satisfying Mr. Leaves Thomsen’s motto of And moves dirt, sand shoes, a “Make Good Choic- light touch, es.” Turned my eyes to the sound source. The private de- Mirror - trees - leaf, sign team will help Pillars of the eyes and fair skin. students decorate Hot stars are reflected. the space with mate- You can feel the wilderness. rials like moon rocks, You have to experience this feel- glitter glue, flower ing. petals, and 24-karat Contact Mad Sweat and amaz- gold. Not only can ingly not wash. students choose the Ink Black Night Litt sedefasto- materials, but the bela star looks design team will A million for your eyes minua. also analyze each Giant lockers become self-aware, begin consuming students. Kuu reap the lamp in a dark student’s horoscope room, and the day’s lunar phase to personally plan a leaving a line in the dark when electric guitar, and my curling stones inside locker with the best fit. I looked. of my locker. AND my Keurig coffee machine Student Anna Reganis expressed her excite- Look at the night sky, I could see doesn’t fit there either!” As a result, school has ment with the new locker system, exclaiming, that satellites quickly, devised a plan to stop the complaints. “Now I can finally decorate my locker with Leaving a trail of light behind Students can now buy locker “real estate,” pictures of One Direction’s faces!” Meanwhile, the curtain Obsidian. where they can buy wall space in the school and Kiana Webster expresses her distaste with the My mind wandered and looked design a locker suiting their preferences. The lockers, saying, “the system is corrupt.” On her at how big dat universe. lots come at a reasonable price and come with a way home, she was unfortunately attacked for Felt little, design team to help design the right locker for delivering a speech for locker equality. Like old bikes, which can be di- you. Locker Real Estate, Ltd. founder and CEO vided into a complex system Of machines. I felt small and helpless, like I could get something... Just ulottuvilla. Taivas my hand. I see the world in a new way, And made my mind wander Flight there, too. By Claire Wang There once was a girl named Yvonne Her hair was both gorgeous and long But there came a day When it all fell away Because she got hit by a car and was decapitated.

The Meaning of Life By Kiana Webster rakanai bananas Ossur, fabric, and friends church delicious I’m allergic to bananas [email protected] Features April 1,7 2014 Rowland Hall Gazette Principal Lee Thomsen to Appear on A&E’s Hoarders Kiana Webster dos bars to reward himself for smaller things, like fi nishing each Staff Writer individual assignment, and then, as his addiction worsened, as a Upper School Principal Lee Thomsen is well known for giving reward for insignifi cant accomplishments such as going to the bath- out Kudos, a type of chocolate-covered granola bar, as a reward room and making himself a cup of coffee. His condition has gotten to students who perform so bad that he now feels the good deeds. But what most need to reward others with of the people around him Kudos bars, especially stu- don’t know is that for him, dents, every single week. Kudos are not just a re- Today, Mr. Thomsen ward—they’re a dangerous spends approximately obsession. News has recent- $2,593 on Kudos bars per ly surfaced that, at the be- week. Both his home and ginning of next month, Mr. offi ce are littered with boxes Thomsen is set to appear on containing the bars, which an episode of the A&E show he orders directly from Mars, Hoarders, all because of his Inc. He owns millions of dol- relationship with the choco- lars worth of shares in the late granola bars. company, so that he can fuel Hoarders, which appears his Kudos habit more easily on the television channel and have control over deci- A&E, is a show depicting sions made regarding the real-life compulsive hoard- bars. Says his daughter, 10th ers and their families. Com- grade student Abby Thom- pulsive hoarding, a disorder sen, “Last night, he tried to marked by the obsessive Lee Thomsen sinks into an existential depression as a result of his Kudos feed me a casserole made out collection of and inability to addiction. What does it mean to live, if not for Kudos? That is the question of Kudos bars and chocolate discard objects, affects 1.2 we are all trying to answer for ourselves. chips for dinner. He needs to million people in the United make a change; that’s why States. Mr. Thomsen can easily be considered a level 2 hoarder. we’ve put him on Hoarders.” The Thomsen family received the ad- Mr. Thomsen’s relationship with Kudos bars seemed healthy in ministration’s blessing for Mr. Thomsen to take time off and fi lm the beginning. As a young boy, he often enjoyed eating the choco- the show. Says Linda Hampton of Mr. Thomsen, “We don’t want late granola bars as an after-school snack. He would frequently eat him to go down such a dangerous chocolatey path. Several faculty them after he fi nished his schoolwork, and began seeing them as members have noticed the problem, and we fully support what will a reward for completing the work. But soon he began using Ku- hopefully be a steady recovery from his affl iction.”

Fatigue By Claire Wang

She looked out from her ivory tower, The blades of glass cutting into her eyes. The tears blockaded behind an iron curtain, Embargoed by Fidel, Overthrown by Marx. Yeezus died for your sins. O holy night, the stars Brightly shone down on her. Showers of light and rock bat- tered her face, Knocking down her down just as her ego Was crushed beneath the weight of failed tests And unliked Facebook posts. She lay on the fl oor and wept. She lie. She lay. She lain. 8 April 1, 2014 Fun Page [email protected] Rowland Hall Gazette Spot the Difference See if you can spot 7 differences between these two photos - good luck! Tomato photo courtesy of epSos.de.

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