Book & Lyrics by Peter Sham

Music by Brad Carroll

Inspired by characters created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

PRODUCTION SCRIPT

www.stagerights.com SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! Copyright © 2019 by Peter Sham and Brad Carroll All Rights Reserved

All performances and public readings of SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! are subject to royalties. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union, of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights are strictly reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, by any means, including mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author. Publication of this play does not necessarily imply that it is available for performance by amateurs or professionals. It is strongly recommended all interested parties apply to Steele Spring Stage Rights for performance rights before starting rehearsals or advertising.

No changes shall be made in the play for the purpose of your production without prior written consent. All billing stipulations in your license agreement must be strictly adhered to. No person, firm or entity may receive credit larger or more prominent than that accorded the Author.

For all stage performance inquiries, please contact:

Steele Spring Stage Rights 3845 Cazador Street Los Angeles, CA 90065 (323) 739-0413 www.stagerights.com

ORIGINAL PRODUCTION NOTES Sherlock Holmes and the Great Royal Goose Chase! was originally produced by the Hunterdon Hills Playhouse in Hampton, NJ, on March 10, 2020. Richard Schulman, Executive Producer; Rich Ollwerther, Associate Producer; Production Manager, Ken Schwarz. The production was directed & choregraphed by Rhett Guter; Musical Direction by Mark Baron; Associate Director/Choreographer, Alanna Van Kampen; Associate Music Director, Mitch Samu; Set and Lighting Design by Ken Schwarz; Costumes by Brian Strachan; Sound Design by David Jerry; Prop Master, Domenick Scudera; Stage Managed by Colleen Popper. The original cast was as follows: SHERLOCK HOLMES ...... George Merrick DR. JOHN WATSON ...... Rick Ford IRENE ADLER ...... Mari Green LADY MORTIMER ...... Cassie Maguire MILTON HERSHEY ...... Luke Sidney Johnson INSPECTOR LESTRADE ...... Andre Jamal Williams BOBBY #1 ...... Hannah Welsko BOBBY #2 ...... Haley Smialek BOBBY #3 ...... Gianna Porfano WILLIAM ...... Patrick May CAPTAIN CAMERON ...... Christian Cieri QUEEN VICTORIA ...... Henry Ballesteros ENSEMBLE ...... Henry Ballesteros, Christian Cieri, Cassie Maguire, Patrick May, Gianna Porfano, Haley Smialek, Hannah Welsko & Andre Williams

CHARACTERS Minimum Casting Requirements: 5F, 7M SHERLOCK HOLMES, the world-famous sleuth, one-part Basil Rathbone, one- part Henry Higgins, and one-part Bud Abbott. (30s-40s) DR. JOHN WATSON, his trusted mate, one-part Nigel Bruce, one-part Colonel Pickering, and one-part Lou Costello. (50s-60s) IRENE ADLER, an internationally famous American songstress. She has a history which continues to plague her. She has a good heart under her mysterious and steely exterior. (Late 20s-Early 30s) MILTON HERSHEY, the well-known American confectioner. Famous for making caramels, he is now beginning a new career in chocolates. Warm and compassionate, in love with Irene, and a good friend. (Late 20s-Early 30s) LADY MORTIMER (also EILEEN), Irene’s sister. She is wily and volatile. Fiancé to the Duke of Wessex. (Mid to Late-20s) INSPECTOR LESTRADE, the bungling head of Scotland Yard. Always two steps behind Holmes in clue finding, and ten steps behind him in intellect. (30s- 50s) BOBBY #1, BOBBY #2, and BOBBY #3, Police officers from Scotland Yard. They serve Lestrade. Best played by three females. (20s) MRS. HUDSON, Holmes’s beloved housekeeper. (50s-60s) WILLIAM (also CROOK-BACKED PASSENGER), Sherlock’s eyes and ears on the streets of London; his most trusted, young intelligence agent. He is the head of Holmes’s self-appointed Baker Street Irregulars. Nephew to Mrs. Hudson. (20s) CAPTAIN CAMERON, Captain of the RMS Oceanic and old university friend of Holmes. (30s-40s) MR. DUDLEY, the bartender of the Savoy Hotel Pub. (30s-40s) QUEEN VICTORIA, that’s right… her. Best played by a male. (60s-70s) THE GREETER, he or she welcomes the audience to the performance. (20s- 30s) ENSEMBLE: Townspeople, Cabaret Performers, Buskers, Baker Street Irregulars, and Cruise Ship Passengers.

CHARACTERS (cont’d) AUDIENCE ROLES (the show incorporates audience members as characters) • Chosen Audience Member #1 – DELIVERY PERSON; 3 lines • Chosen Audience Member #2 – THE DUKE OF WESSEX; Non-Speaking • Chosen Audience Member #3 – BYSTANDER; 3 lines • Chosen Audience Member #4 – SHIP PASSENGER; 4 lines • Chosen Audience Member #5 – DELIVERY PERSON; 2 lines

CAST BREAKDOWN FOUR PRINCIPAL ACTORS: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Irene Adler, Milton Hershey FEMALE 1: Bobby #1; Cabaret Ensemble; Busker; Baker Street Irregular; Female Passenger #1. FEMALE 2: Bobby #2; Cabaret Ensemble; Busker; Baker Street Irregular; Female Passenger #2. FEMALE 3: Bobby #3; Mrs. Hudson; Cabaret Ensemble; Busker; Baker Street Irregular; Female Passenger #3. FEMALE 4: Townsperson; Lady Mortimer (aka Eileen); Busker. MALE 1: Inspector Lestrade; Busker. MALE 2: The Greeter; Cabaret Ensemble; Busker; Baker Street Irregular; Captain Cameron. MALE 3: Townsperson; Cabaret Ensemble; Mr. Dudley; Busker; Baker Street Irregular, Male Passenger #1, Queen Victoria MALE 4: Townsperson; Cabaret Ensemble; William; Crook-Backed Passenger. NOTE: All Ensemble listed above wear a basic underdress.

LANGUAGE NOTE Should you find any language in this piece to be objectionable, please feel free to make changes or cuts in said language in order to better serve the needs of your production while preserving the “spirit” of Sherlock Holmes and the Great Royal Goose Chase! – The Author

SETTING RUN TIME London, 1888 105 Minutes

SPECIAL ACKNOWLEDGMENTS In addition to the well-known fictional characters in the musical, Sherlock Holmes, Dr. John Watson, Inspector Lestrade, and Irene Adler, Sherlock Holmes and the Great Royal Goose Chase! has a bit of revisionist fun taking theatrical liberties with two real-life historical figures, Milton Hershey and William Gillette, who were both alive and well during the time frame of the story. It is true that at the turn of the century, after running the successful Lancaster Caramel Company, Milton Hershey became convinced that his future lay not in caramel, but in chocolate. On February 9th, 1894 (at the age of 36) he founded the Hershey Chocolate Company, which has been in operation continuously for over 100 years. There is no question that this central event came to define his life and career. For the record, the famous Hershey’s Kiss was actually invented in 1907. William Gillette was actually an American actor and writer, famous for having played Sherlock Holmes on stage about 1300 times. He played Holmes on stage until 1932 in the famous play Sherlock Holmes, which he wrote and co- created with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle himself! The play was an instant success. In August 1914, in London, Gillette was accused of being a German spy, because British embassy plans (given to him by Doyle) were found in his possession. Scotland Yard was about to arrest the actor, but Arthur Conan Doyle came to his rescue, saving his life. Finally, in an attempt to add to the farcical stew, the musical pays loving tribute to two classic vaudeville comedy sketches of old and new. They are, “The Loafing Sketch” made famous by Bud Abbott & Lou Costello, and “The Pirate Sketch” by Mark Sieve & Joe Kudla, better known to many American renaissance festival fans as the comedy team of Puke‘N Snot.

SCENE & SONG BREAKDOWNS

ACT I Prologue: LONDON – VARIOUS Scene 1: LONDON – A STREET 1. A Burglary at Buckingham Palace ...... Lestrade & Ensemble Scene 2: 221B BAKER STREET Scene 3: EN ROUTE TO THE CAFÈ ROYALE & THE CAFÈ 2. I Love a Good Mystery ...... Watson & Holmes 2A. Mystery Woman (Incidental) ...... Orchestra 2B. I Love a Good Mystery (Tag) ...... Watson & Holmes Scene 4: THE LONDON MUSIC HALL 3. Welcome to the Music Hall ...... Orchestra 4. More Than Meets the Eye...... Irene Adler & Cabaret Ensemble 5. The Game’s Afoot ...... Holmes, Watson, Lestrade, Lady Mortimer, Irene & Cabaret Ensemble 5A. Mystery Chord ...... Orchestra 5B. The Game’s Afoot ...... Holmes, Watson, Lestrade, Lady Mortimer, Irene & Cabaret Ensemble Scene 5: EN ROUTE TO THE SAVOY PUB & THE PUB 6. A Kiss of Chocolate ...... Hershey, Watson & Ensemble 6A. A Kiss of Chocolate (Playoff) ...... Orchestra Scene 6: THE STREETS OF LONDON 7. It’s Never Too Late ...... Holmes & Irene Scene 7: IRENE’S HOTEL ROOM 8. Sisterly Love ...... Irene & Eileen 8A. Sisterly Love (Playoff) ...... Orchestra Scene 8: COVENT GARDEN 9. Covent Garden ...... William & Ensemble 10. Burglary at Buckingham Palace (Reprise) ...... Holmes, Watson & Ensemble

SCENE & SONG BREAKDOWNS

ACT II 11. Entr’acte ...... Orchestra Scene 1: COVENT GARDEN – MOMENTS LATER 12. Yes, Mr. Holmes! ...... Holmes, William & BS Irregulars 12A. Yes, Mr. Holmes! (Playoff) ...... Orchestra Scene 2: LESTRADE’S OFFICE AT SCOTLAND YARD 13. The Murder Trio ...... Hershey, Lestrade & Eileen 13A. The Murder Trio (Reprise) ...... Hershey, Lestrade & Eileen 13B. The Murder Trio (Playoff) ...... Orchestra Scene 3: GREENWICH PIER Scene 4: ABOARD THE RMS OCEANIC 14. All Aboard ...... Captain Cameron, Eileen & Ensemble 15. Sisterly Love (Reprise) ...... Irene & Eileen 16. Rule Britannia (Incidental) ...... Orchestra 17. I Love A Good Mystery (Reprise) ...... Company 18. Curtain Call ...... Orchestra 19. Exit Music ...... Orchestra

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 1

ACT I PROLOGUE: LONDON - VARIOUS As the audience enters the theatre, they are met by THE GREETER. He is well spoken, confident, and dressed elegantly. The show is designed to be an interactive and immersive experience. And so, throughout the theatre space we might see familiar scenic elements of London. These may include: Big Ben, Piccadilly Station, etc. To create an even more immersive feel, side stages may be incorporated, as well as London street signs which may hang in the theatre aisles designating different parts of town. AT RISE: At half-hour. In separate areas of the theatre, three teams of STREET PERFORMERS (cast members) enter and begin to entertain audience members. During this time THE GREETER selects the 5 CHOSEN AUDIENCE MEMBERS and provides them with the appropriate prop or clue, costume piece, and dialogue card that will be incorporated into the action of the musical. After the pre-show, the STREET PERFORMERS finish up in their respective areas and move to focal points in the theatre. The lights change, THE GREETER takes center stage to address the audience, and the show begins.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 2

SCENE 1 LONDON – VARIOUS STAGES THE GREETER: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this production of Sherlock Holmes and the Great Royal Goose Chase! For the enjoyment of all we ask that you please turn off all cellular phones and refrain from any audio or video recording devices, as they hadn’t been invented in the time of Victorian England. Also, please note that because this is an immersive mystery, a firearm may be discharged during the performance— but never at you. Oh, and this too is very important: the performers will be using the aisles and pass-through areas (He indicates them) during the show without warning, so we suggest that you refrain from getting up or leaving your seats until intermission—otherwise we will be forced to pay you. And now let me take you back to the land of horse drawn carriages, buskers on the market square… and… A police whistle is heard. Commotion in the streets. CHARACTERS appear in various parts of the theatre.

SONG #1: A BURGLARY AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE

TOWNSPERSON #1: A CRIME HAS BEEN COMMITTED. TOWNSPERSON #2: A VAULT HAS BEEN DISTURBED. TOWNSPERSON #3: A ROYAL PRIZE IS MISSING AND THE QUEEN IS QUITE PERTURBED. ALL: SO, KEEP YOUR EYES ALERT ‘ROUND EVERY CORNER AND LOCALE! THERE’S BEEN A BURGLARY AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE. BOBBY #1: WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS TAKEN. BOBBY #2: THE FACTS ARE STILL UNCLEAR. BOBBY #3: WE ONLY KNOW PRINCE EDWARD HAS BEEN CRYING IN HIS BEER! TOWNSFOLK & BOBBIES: THE STATUS QUO IS QUAKING TO THE PADDINGTON CANAL! THERE’S BEEN A BURGLARY AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE! THE TIME IS A’FLYIN’, LOOK HARD AND LOOK HIGH

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 3

TOWNSFOLK & BOBBIES (CONT’D): AND LOOK LOW AND LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED. ‘CAUSE SUSPECTS ARE MANY AND LOOMING ‘ROUND EVERY FAÇADE. YOU HAVE TO BE THOROUGH, AND SEARCH EVERY BOROUGH AND COUNTY AND VILLAGE AND TOWN, THEN BRING WHAT YOU FIND TO INSPECTOR LESTRADE! INSPECTOR LESTRADE is revealed. LESTRADE: THE FACTS ARE VERY MUDDY, A ROYAL ROBBER ROAMS. BOBBY #1: SIR, DON’T YOU THINK THAT SOMEONE SHOULD BE CALLING SHERLOCK HOLMES? LESTRADE: No! (Singing) THE MAN IS SUCH A KNOW-IT-ALL, HE THREATENS OUR MORALE! WE’LL SOLVE THIS BURGLARY AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE. Music continues under. The ENSEMBLE searches for clues. INSPECTOR LESTRADE barks out orders to his BOBBIES. (Speaking) Men, I want you to search every street, road, alley, cove, corner, cul-de-sac, and dead-end—twice! I want officers on the rooftops and by the river. BOBBY #1: It might help, sir, if we knew what it is we’re looking for. BOBBY #2: I agree, sir! All we’ve heard is that it’s a royal pet. BOBBY #3: The queen’s prize duck! BOBBY #1: Duck? LESTRADE: Goose! BOBBY #2: What? LESTRADE: Goose! The queen’s prize goose! BOBBY #1: Now that’s funny. LESTRADE: What’s funny? BOBBY #1: Well, sir, I don’t mean to be cheeky—but are you saying that we’re actually on a wild goose chase? LESTRADE: Yes! The BOBBIES laugh.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 4

LESTRADE: And it’s no laughing matter! Apparently, this goose is over a hundred years old! BOBBY #3: That’s impossible! LESTRADE: Impossible or not, the queen is offering a reward of fifty crowns for its return! BOBBIES: Fifty crowns?! LESTRADE: Fifty crowns! ENSEMBLE: Fifty crowns! BOBBIES: THERE’S NO TIME TO WASTE, WE MUST HURRY, MAKE HASTE, BE AS CLEVER AS NEVER BEFORE! LESTRADE: DYSFUNCTION AND PANIC LESTRADE & ENSEMBLE: IS SOMETHING WE CANNOT AFFORD. SO, NO MORE EXCUSES UNTIL THIS PRIZE GOOSE IS RETURNED TO THE QUEEN SAFE AND SOUND. AND ONE LUCKY PERSON COLLECTS THE REWARD!

LET’S USE OUR WITS AND FOCUS, NO TIME TO FOOL AROUND. KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON UNTIL THE BLOODY BIRD IS FOUND!

AND ONE DAY SOON WE’RE BOUND TO LEARN THE RHYME ‘N’ RATIONALE ABOUT THIS BURGLARY, ROBBERY, LARCENY, BIRDNAPPING AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE!

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 5

SCENE 2 221 BAKER STREET – MAIN STAGE The scene changes to the London flat of SHERLOCK HOLMES at 221B Baker Street. Holmes prepares his pipe. We hear a ticking clock. Unit set, a wall with a bookcase, fireplace, high- backed chairs. Next to him in the room sits his trusted mate, DR. JOHN WATSON. Watson is pleasantly daydreaming as he thumbs through a copy of Strand Magazine. WATSON: Well Holmes, another tedious day spent inside. HOLMES: Nonsense, my dear Watson. Why, the city of London is up in arms over the recent burglary at Buckingham Palace. WATSON: Good Heavens, there’s been a burglary? At the palace? How did you know? HOLMES: Honestly Watson, you could hear the town singing about it a dozen blocks away. WATSON (now at the window): Oh really? WATSON opens the window, we hear the ensemble sing acapella, “There’s been a burglary, at Buckingham Pa… ” He closes the window and turns to HOLMES. I didn’t hear a thing. HOLMES: That’s because you were daydreaming about hooking a prize marlin and reeling him in! Must have been a twenty-footer! WATSON: Twenty-five! And he was a beauty, too… (Flummoxed) Holmes? How on earth could you possibly know what I’d been thinking? HOLMES: Elementary, ol’ boy. You were looking at those pictures of swordfish in the magazine until your eyes were nearly popping out of your head. Your expression all the while was unmistakable joy. WATSON: Yes, I suppose it was. HOLMES: Then you sobered up with a forlorn look when you realized that sport fishing was no longer an option for a man your age. WATSON: Very simple, I suppose. HOLMES: Like all great things, Watson. You know I owe you an apology. WATSON: An apology? HOLMES: Why yes. You come here for a good mystery, a rousing adventure, and I have none to offer you. WATSON: What about that burglary at the palace? HOLMES: Oh, I don’t expect to be brought on to the case just yet. WATSON: Why not?

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 6

HOLMES: Inspector Lestrade usually prefers to muck things up a bit before enlisting my services. WATSON: Well, no matter. I have no doubt some innocent person in distress will at this very moment suddenly appear outside your door and knock. HOLMES: Ring, Watson. The knocker was removed last week. You should have noticed that. WATSON: Oh, very well, “ring” then. “Oh, very well, ‘Ring’ then” is the cue for CHOSEN AUDENCE MEMBER #1 to participate. If they do not respond to the line, WATSON may have some fun saying something like: “I said ‘RING THEN!’ Holmes, apparently the doorbell is not only new but also HARD OF HEARING.” This will hopefully spur the CHOSEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #1 to ring the bell they were given before the show. The bell rings. CHOSEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Delivery for Mr. Holmes! Delivery, Sir! HOLMES: Why what a complete and utter surprise! HOLMES may choose to have a little fun, e.g., “You’re a little old to be a delivery boy/girl, aren’t you?” etc. Suddenly MRS. HUDSON enters and mildly accosts CHOSEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #1. MRS. HUDSON: Here now, what do you think you’re doing? You can’t just ring a bell and walk into a person’s home like that. MRS. HUDSON takes the envelope from CHOSEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #1. HOLMES: It’s alright, Mrs. Hudson. We’d been expecting them. MRS. HUDSON (reading the envelope): Oh, look, Mr. Holmes! It’s a letter addressed to you! HOLMES: Splendid! Bring it up! MRS. HUDSON (to Chosen Audience Member #1): Here’s a farthing for your trouble, dear! MRS. HUDSON hands CHOSEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #1 a coin. [This could be a discount token for intermission food/beverage.] CHOSEN AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Thank you, Mum! They sit back. MRS. HUDSON brings the letter to HOLMES. HOLMES: I’m intrigued. Open it Mrs. Hudson. MRS. HUDSON (opening the envelope): Of course, sir. Oh, good morning, Dr. Watson. WATSON: Good morning, dear Mrs. Hudson.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 7

HOLMES: What does it say? MRS. HUDSON (reading): Dear Mr. Holmes, You are cordially invited to join me for a private lunch this afternoon at the Café Royale to discuss a matter of grave concern. By all reports you are a man who may safely be trusted. This account of you I have from all sources received. I look forward to our meeting, and please don’t be alarmed— but I shall be wearing a mask. HOLMES: There you are, Watson. Just as promised— a new adventure! WATSON: Brilliant! MRS. HUDSON (hanging up her cloak and hat): Oh, Mr. Holmes, I almost forgot. My nephew William sends his best. I was just on a visit. HOLMES: Ah, William. One of my first-rate Baker Street Irregulars. MRS. HUDSON: Not anymore, I’m afraid. William’s gotten himself a real job at the bakery now. And I’d like him to keep it, if you please. HOLMES: Why, Mrs. Hudson, I’m surprised at you. Being one of my gang of Irregulars, my eyes and ears on the streets of London, is one of the higher paid jobs in the neighborhood. MRS. HUDSON: Also one of the most dangerous! WATSON: I daresay Holmes, Mrs. Hudson is right! Mingling among desperate criminals is no more a job for a young man than sword fishing is for an old one. HOLMES: Oh, very well. But I shall miss his keen eye. William is one of my best intelligence agents. MRS. HUDSON: Yes… well… he’s also my only nephew. Now then, would the two of you like some tea? HOLMES: No need, Mrs. Hudson. Watson and I are on our way to lunch at the Café Royale. Come Watson! HOLMES and WATSON gather their coats and hats. WATSON: Splendid! Right behind you, Holmes. HOLMES: Enjoy your afternoon, Mrs. Hudson! MRS. HUDSON: Well, don’t either of you get into any trouble! HOLMES: Trouble is what we long for! MRS. HUDSON exits. Baker Street set flies out and the lights crossfade as HOLMES and WATSON travel to the Cafe.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 8

SCENE 3 EN ROUTE TO THE CAFÈ ROYALE & THE CAFE HOLMES: You know Watson, you’re quite a remarkable man. WATSON: Am I? HOLMES: Yes. The finest audience in the world. I never cease explaining my methods to you, and your amazement seems to grow each and every day. WATSON: I’ll take that as a compliment. HOLMES: You possess the gullibility of the world. WATSON: I’m not gullible, I’m simply fascinated by your powers of investigation. HOLMES: It’s all about supposition and deduction. Anyone can “suppose,” but few can “deduce.” Allow me to prove my point. You see this letter? HOLMES produces the letter. WATSON: What about it? HOLMES: Exactly. Do you notice anything strange about this stationery? WATSON: It looks like any other stationery. HOLMES: Suppose you tore it in half. WATSON: I’m not tearing in half. HOLMES: Why should you? WATSON: I’m not— you said “suppose” I did. HOLMES: Let’s try another example. WATSON: Fine. HOLMES: Suppose you walk into a soccer match? WATSON: Yes? HOLMES: What teams are playing? WATSON: How should I know? HOLMES: Then why are you walking into the soccer match? WATSON: I’m not! HOLMES: Watson, honestly, I’m worried about you. WATSON: So am I. HOLMES: Alright, alright. I’ll make it simple for you. Let’s say you’re at Victoria Station. WATSON: Yes. HOLMES: You purchase a ticket. WATSON: Yes. HOLMES: Where are you going?

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 9

WATSON: I’m not going anywhere. HOLMES: Then why did you purchase the ticket? WATSON: I’m not purchasing anything! HOLMES: Then why are you in the station? WATSON: How should I know, you put me there! HOLMES: Do you know where you were going when you went in? WATSON: No. Well— maybe… Norwich? HOLMES: Norwich? Why Norwich? WATSON (completely confused): I don’t know. HOLMES: Of all the places in all the world to visit, why go to Norwich? What’s wrong with Dover? WATSON: I have friends in Norwich. HOLMES: Suppose you had friends in Dover? WATSON: Then I’d go to Dover. HOLMES: What about your friends in Norwich? WATSON: We’re not speaking anymore! HOLMES: Suppose you were married, and your wife was in Norwich. WATSON: Then I’d go to Manchester! HOLMES: Oh, never mind. You’re hopeless! HOLMES & WATSON arrive outside the café. WATSON: Holmes, I know you think me unhinged at times, but I tell you my fascination is quite explainable. HOLMES: Why then— explain.

2. “I LOVE A GOOD MYSTERY” – WATSON & HOLMES

WATSON: I LOVE A GOOD… HOLMES (after a long beat): Yes, Watson, do go on. WATSON: …MYSTERY, THE KIND THAT CAN MAKE ONE SQUEAL. I LOVE A GOOD MYSTERY, I FIND IT’S A FEELING, HIGHLY APPEALING. WHEN A CASE LOOKS UNSOLVABLE, I’M INVOLVED TILL THE END. I LOVE A GOOD MYST’RY, MY FRIEND.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 10

HOLMES: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS MYSTERY, IT’S ALL A SHAM, OL’ BOY. IN FACT, THE MOST IMPROBABLE THE TRUTH WILL SOON DESTROY. THERE’S ALWAYS EXPLANATION FOR THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU QUIVER. FOR ANYTHING THAT ONE INVENTS, YOURS TRULY CAN DELIVER! WATSON: BUT WHAT ABOUT BEFORE THE CASE; THE PLEASURE FOUND BEFORE THE CHASE? HOLMES: THE RAPT ANTICIPATION? WATSON: Yes! HOLMES: THE NERVOUS TITILLATION? WATSON: Yes! HOLMES: I KNOW THE VERY THING YOU MEAN! HOLMES & WATSON: WE LOVE A GOOD MYSTERY, THE KIND THAT CAN GIVE YOU CHILLS. WE LOVE A GOOD MYSTERY— IT’S ALL VERY THRILLING, WORTH EVERY SHILLING. FINDING CLUES TO UNRAVEL IS HOW WE HAVE A GOOD TIME. WE LOVE A GOOD MYSTERY— ONE THAT MIGHT GO DOWN IN HISTORY— WE LOVE A GOOD MYST’RY, GOOD CRIME. HOLMES & WATSON enter the café and sit at a table, already prepared. A WAITRESS enters and greets them. WAITRESS: What may I get you two blokes? WATSON: Hello! Yes, I’d like a cup of… HOLMES (cutting in): Nothing, thank you. We’re waiting for someone. WATSON: I say, Holmes, I rather wanted a spot of tea. HOLMES: Later, Watson. After our mystery man has arrived. HOLMES hands the letter to WATSON. Now give this stationery a good look, Watson. What do you deduce from it?

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 11

WATSON: Well, It’s peculiarly strong and stiff. HOLMES: Peculiar— that's the very word. It's not an English paper at all. Hold it up to the light. Notice anything? WATSON: Yes. There's a large "R" woven into the texture of the paper. HOLMES: The “R” stands for Riegel, a famous paper mill in Hughesville, New Jersey. WATSON: American? HOLMES: Well… New Jersey, anyway. No doubt the person who wrote it is American. WATSON: How do you know that? HOLMES: Observe the curious construction of the sentence: (Reading) "This account of you we have from all sources received." Only an American could be so discourteous to their verbs. A MYSTERY WOMAN wearing a mask and a cloak enters and furtively scans the area. WATSON: Look, Holmes! It’s a woman.

SONG #2A: MYSTERY WOMAN INCIDENTAL

THE MYSTERY WOMAN approaches HOLMES’S TABLE. HOLMES: Good evening, madam. MYSTERY WOMAN: You, uh— You received my note? HOLMES: Yes, indeed. Sit down, won’t you? The MYSTERY WOMAN sits. This is my friend and colleague, Dr. Watson. You may say anything before him that you would say to me. Whom have I the honor to address? MYSTERY WOMAN: If you please, I wish to remain anonymous. HOLMES: I should think that rather obvious— Miss Adler. IRENE (astonished): How…? How did you…? (Removing the mask) Yes. Yes, I am Irene Adler. WATSON: Irene Adler?! Why just this morning I was reading about you in Strand Magazine. May I say you are even more beautiful in person. Holmes, Miss Adler is a world famous… HOLMES: …World famous chanteuse, yes. Born in New Jersey in the United States of America in Eighteen Fifty-Eight. Currently performing at the London Music Hall.

SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE GREAT ROYAL GOOSE CHASE! – PROD. 12

IRENE: Extraordinary. WATSON: I knew that. HOLMES and IRENE shoot a look at WATSON Well, it was all in the magazine. IRENE: Mr. Holmes, I do not wish to be identified, that is why I’ve come in disguise. And also, for the express purpose of consulting you. HOLMES: Then, pray— consult. IRENE: The facts are these. Some five years ago, during my first visit to London, I made the acquaintance of the Duke of Wessex. One thing led to another and we had an affair. WATSON: With the Duke of Wessex? HOLMES: These things happen. IRENE: Unfortunately, yes. WATSON: The duke has recently announced his engagement to the Lady Mortimer of Dorset. HOLMES: How do you know that? WATSON: The magazine. IRENE: The doctor is correct. In any case, I fear the duke believes our past indiscretion threatens his impending marriage. HOLMES: What makes you think that? IRENE: Because he’s trying to kill me. WATSON: Great Scott! IRENE: In the past few weeks, during my performances, there have been two failed attempts on my life. My fellow cast members believe the occurrences were coincidental. I do not. You must help me, Mr. Holmes. HOLMES: Of course. How? IRENE: Simple. Come to the Music Hall tonight. Perhaps your presence will deter any wrongdoing. It is my last performance in London. I don’t wish it to be my final one. WATSON (mumbles): Good gracious me. HOLMES: Rest assured, Miss Adler. I shall be there tonight. WATSON: We shall both be there! IRENE: Thank you, Mr. Holmes. And you, Dr. Watson. Till tonight. HOLMES: Good day, Miss Adler. IRENE exits. HOLMES eyes her all the way out. Interesting woman. WATSON: Very. Well… what's our next move, Holmes? Thanks for checking out a preview of this script.

To continue reading, we encourage you to purchase the DIGITAL PERUSAL SCRIPT or PRINT EDITION from the

button on the show page. https://www.stagerights.com/allshows/sherlock-holmes-and-the-great-royal-goose-chase/