Simpson’s script
Treehouse of horror
Intro
(Scene starts with a title shot of a darkened studio and the shadows of one man and two other outlines)
Announcer: live from sunny California it’s the late night. Heres your host Conan o’ Brian
(Lights turn on and Conan is at his desk as the crowd cheer)
Conan: thank you. Thank you. Oh please stop. NOW.
(Crowd stops cheering)
Conan:ok tonight we have two special guests. Please welcome kang and kodos.
(Kang and kodos are sitting next to him)
Kodos: thank you.
Conan: so kang, how’s life?
Kang: well, we live on our beautiful planet of Rigel 4 and….
Conan: so it’s true what they say. The grass is greener on the other side. Get it. Green. Ha ha ha ha.
(Audience laugh, as Kang and Kodos get mad)
(Scene changes to kang and kodos in Conan’s seat and Conan is gone)
Kang: Hello. Welcome back to the kang and kodos show. After the break we’ll be meeting with sir William shatner.
Kodos: what! That man drank my white wine collection. I’ll squeeze it out of him if I.. Oh. See you.
(Conan appears battered and bruised in front of the camera)
Conan: well be right ba..(He falls on the floor as the treehouse of horror symbol shows up)
(Cut to the Simpson’s as bats flying onto the couch and they turn back to vampires yet homers replaced by Dracula)
First story: brat to the future
1st scene Simpson’s home.
(Homer and Marge are looking at their school year book)
Homer: look at this
(Homer sees a picture of a young him callasposed on a football field)
Homer: look. (Homer sees another picture of a young him collapsed on a tennis court)
Homer: oh look
(Homer sees another picture of himself collapsed in a lunch hall)
Homer: Wow. Good times.
Marge: imagine we went back.
Homer: yeah
(Bart opens the door)
Bart: im going to see the professor
Marge: take your time dear.
(Door slams)
Homer: Marge. Remember when I hit the dean.
Marge: that was 2 weeks ago.
(Bart walks through a lab filled with devices and things)
(A Vincent price like hunchback goes up to Bart)
Vincent: ah yes. Ah yes. Ah yes
(Bart yells) (A professor that looks like the one in back to the future walks in)
Professor: oh don’t worry Bart. Vince here is retiring soon.
Vincent: yes. Free bus fare. Ah he. Ah he. Ah he.
(Bart and the professor are walking alone in the lab)
Bart: wow this place is cool.
Professor: yes. I have a lot to show you.
(The two walk up to a box)
Professor: Bart this is a box I got from an old friend of mine. Don’t know where he went. Complete jackass.
(A voice comes from inside the box of the professor from futurama)
Voice: I heard that.
Professor: shut up. You’ve been cancelled
Voice: oh
Bart: (looking off screen) cool.
(He walks up to a car that looks like the back to the future car)
Professor: that is my time travelling car. Where were going we don’t need roads.
Bart: where’s that?
Professor: Atlantis
(A booing is heard off screen)
Professor: stupid machines playing up.
(Bart is inside the car fiddling with all the buttons)
Professor: now be careful.
(Bart notices a timer that says April 19th 1979)
Bart: cool.
(He hits the button and the car zooms off. It runs over the professor and disappears).
Professor: (on the floor barley able to talk) help me.
Vince: (walks on) not until a pay rise. Ah he. Ah he. Ah he.
Scene 2
(Car suddenly appears on a cattle field)
(Barts inside a bit dazed)
Bart: wow I’m in the 70’s (Bart looks around and there’s a disco with a bouncer throwing out john travolta)
John: hey what’s the big idea?
Bouncer: sorry mr travolta. We cant make any more cocktails.
John: Ah jez. I’ll sell my shirt. I’ll sing. (Singing) once I was afraid. I was petrified. I couldn’t live with.. (A disco ball comes out of nowhere and hits him. He falls on the ground) aw jezz.
(Switch back to Bart)
Bart: wait im young. Im single. Im stuck in 1979. Oh baby.
(Scene switches to Bart trying on Austin powers suit with the Austin powers music playing. Then he’s in the middle of a street dancing doing all 60’s moves like Austin powers)
Bart: wait that’s the 60’s. (Looking off screen) oh my god its dad.
(Young homer is outside school with young Barney) (Bart runs into them)
Bart: hey its homer.
Homer: hey its Shirley temple. Male style. What can I do?
Bart: um are you in love.
Homer: I sure am. With her. (Scene changes to Marge holding a sign-saying Uncle Sam hates nam. With a picture of an American pointing at an Asian child).
Bart: Aren’t you a little late.
Homer: nope.
Bart: uh oh I changed history. Homer marry that woman.
Homer: I try but she doesn’t notice me.
Bart: then invite her round. Make up some French excuse.
Homer: ok (walks off)
Bart: excellent. Muh ha ha ha.
Scene 3
(Bart is waiting by the lockers and homer walks in)
Bart: so.
Homer: well (homer turns his face and its purple)
Bart: yeesh. With that face you could be an ompaa lompaa.
Homer: a what
Bart: uh oh. We are heading back in time every minute.
(Charlie Chaplin is nibbling at Barts shoe) Bart: hey get off those. Homer you have to go to the prom or else well be bowing down to Pocahontas.
Homer: not Pocahontas. (Pause) who?
(Homer is at the prom with Bart)
Homer: are you sure this will work?
Bart: sure. Now stand right in the middle.
(The people are all doing the Charleston while World War II music is playing).
(Bart is backstage).
Bart: now to trick someone.
(Goes up to the guitarist)
Bart: hey al Capone wants to see you.
(Guitarist yells and runs dropping his guitar)
Bart: hey that wasn’t even my trick.
(Bart picks up the guitar)
Bart: lets ration.
(Bart starts playing ‘Johnny be good’ and trashing the stage and people stare at him)
Bart: oh forget it.
(He throws the guitar at homer and hits him in slow motion. homer falls on the ground)
(Homers eyes open and Marge is in front of him)
Marge: oh are you alright?
Homer: I am now
(Bart shows up)
Bart: what did I miss?
(Scene changes to the three by the car)
Bart: Well see you
Marge: never forget you. We should name our first born after you. What’s your name?
Bart: um. Ivana tucuss.
(Homers inside fiddling with the buttons)
Homer: what’s this (he presses the button)
Bart: don’t touch tha..
(The car disappears with Bart and Marge)
(Back to the present day and normal homer is sleeping in his hammock when the car appears)
Homer: will you keep it down. I… huh?
(Young homer and Marge step out the car. Homer stares at young homer)
Young homer: huh
(Normal Marge walks in the garden)
Marge: Ivana. Lunch is… oh my.
Young Marge: wow. Are my hips that size?
Normal homer: wait two of us. Two of them. He he he.
(Scene changes to the two homers in hammocks chinging their beer cans and laughing and the two marges are mowing)
Normal Marge: men.
Bart: well im glad everything’s back to normal. (Camera zooms out and Bart is a baby)
Bart: oh crap. Um I think I wet myself. Hello.
AD BREAK
Story two: 28 Toys Later
(Bart, Lisa, Marge and Maggie are in the living room as Homer stumbles through the door carrying a sack)
Homer: Hi kids.
Marge: Homer, where have you been?
Homer: Well first I went drinking, then more drinking, and then I remember being punched, more drinking and finally walking into the house with a bag of toys.
(Homer opens the bag revelling lots of toys)
Lisa: Wow!
Bart: I love it when you’re drunk.
Homer: Thanks. My doctor says drinking is good for me.
(Dr Nick appears in the window)
Dr Nick: It’s good for the mind, because it completely wipes it out.
Marge: What are you doing?
Dr Nick: I’m looking for used knives in your trash. Hey if you think this is bad, you should go to England.
Homer: Been there got the T-shirt.
(He holds up a T-shirt reading ‘I’ve been wasted in more countries than Boris Yelstin’)
Bart: Dad the toys you got suck.
Lisa: Yeah like Chinese Monopoly
(Lisa holps up a box with the words ‘Chinese Monopoly’ with the words below ‘No winners, just us’)
Lisa: Joan rivers operation
(She sticks the tool in the game and Joan Rivers voice comes out)
Joan: Hey, that parts worth more than your house
Bart: And you got a Mel Gibson action doll.
(Bart holds a doll in the shape of Mel Gibson a pulls the string at the back as Mel Gibson’s voice comes out)
Mel: I blame the Jews myself. I’m not drunk I’m dizzy. Sugar tits.
Bart: Dad these toys are terrible.
Homers: No Godfather 2 was better.
Lisa: What’s this?
(Lisa picks up a doll, which looks like a gremlin doll)
Lisa: Awww. Isn’t this cute.
(The doll talks)
Doll: Mogwai loves you.
Bart, Lisa and Marge: Awww.
Marge: Well Homer it seems you did get something nice. Homer stop having a go at the cat.
(Homer is seen arguing with the cat)
Homer: That’s my beer. Understand my beer. It’s not your beer, not his beer. Well it is, but it was mine once.
(Scene changes to Bart in the living room with the Mogwali playing cards)
Mogawli: Hit me
Bart: Sorry your bust.
(Mogwali yells and chucks his cards violently)
Bart: Ha Ha good old Mogwali.
(The TV starts playing)
TV: We now return to another crap episode of Family Guy
(Scene changes to the Family guy’s living room with the family in it)
Meg: Peter, you were supposed to hand in your tax rebate.
Peter: You think that’s bad. Remember the time when I tried to go back to the future.
(Scene changes to Peter and the doc from back to the future next to the car)
Doc: Great Scot. Quick hand the plutonium.
Peter: What this.
(Holds up a piece of plutonium)
Peter: It looks kind of tasty.
Doc: Oh no!
(Peter is seen with plutonium around his mouth)
Peter: Whoa this is heavy!
(The TV gets smashed as Mogwali throws the TV remote at it.)
Bart: Hey I was going to do that.
(Mogwali yells)
Bart: I know I hate when cartoons rip off movies, especially Back to the Future.
(Bart pauses for a few seconds)
Bart: There, everyone should have got that by now.
(Lisa walks in carrying her Mogwali)
Lisa: Bart you know the three rules. You mustn’t feed it after midnight, give it water or expose it to crude lowbrow American shows on TV.
(The radios on)
Radio announcer: Now time for Will and Grace. Now on radio.
(Lisa’s Mogwali attacks the radio)
Lisa: Or on the radio.
Bart: Don’t worry I’ve got it under control.
Lisa: Now what are you doing.
(Bart is putting the Mogwali in water)
Bart: Sorry couldn’t help myself.
(Scene changes to nighttime and everyone’s asleep. Homer is holding the Mel Gibson doll asleep)
Mel: I’m not anti Semitic. I just hate Jews.
(The Mogwalis’ are down stairs and they go into the kitchen where they go into the fridge and start eating. There shadows show them morphing into each other)
(Scene changes to the next morning with harmony music playing homer walks downstairs oblivious to the huge hole in his wall caused by the Mogwali. He walks into the garden where Flanders is in his)
Flanders: Hi diddly ho neighbour.
Homer: (Sleepily) Shut up Flanders and get out of my kitchen)
(Bart runs downstairs)
Bart: Where’s my Mogwali?
Homer: Is that it.
(Bart looks out the window, which shows a clear view of a 50-foot Mogwali destroying the city)
Bart: Wow we have a good view of the city.
(Scene changes to the Simpsons minus Lisa in the living room)
Marge: How are we going to stop that thing?
Homer: I know we’ll lead it into our 50-foot shed. Bart build a 50-foot shed.
Bart: Right away.
(As Bart is about to walk out the room Lisa walks with her Mogwali)
Lisa: I think I have a better idea.
Marge: Lisa your Mogwali survived. (Pauses) I never thought I’d ever say that!
Homer: Awww that’s sweet. (Pauses) Lets dunk him in water.
Lisa: No dad I have an idea to stop the Mogwali. What’s there one weakness?
Homer: Hasbro?
Lisa: No. Someone even worse.
(Scene changes to 20th Century Fox headquarters. A.K.A. L.A. Communist party headquarters)
(Scene shows the members of Family Guy sitting in their usual places)
Meg: Peter, weren’t you supposed to stop that terriost cell?
Peter: If you think that’s bad remember the time when
(Suddenly Homer runs in knocks out Peter and puts him in a bag) Homer: By the way nice house.
Stewie: Why thank you.
Homer: (yells) Ahh talking baby.
(He runs out)
Stewie: I know lets just keep staring at this wall. People will still watch us.
(The Family Guy family stare at the wall)
Stewie: Keep staring. Keep Staring.
(Scene changes to Homer and Mogwali with Peter in the car by the Big Mogwali)
Peter: Where am I.
Homer: You here to destroy that.
(Points at the small Mogwali)
Peter: Well I’ll give it my best.
(Rolls up his sleeves)
Homer: Sorry I meant that.
(Points at the Big Mogwali)
Peter: How am I supposed to defeat that?
Homer: You’ve got to believe in yourself. Do you think JFK gave up when he got shot? Do you think Martin Luther King gave up when he got shot? Do you think Biggy Smalls gave up when her got shot? Well they all did but that’s not the point. You go out there and defeat that thing 10 times your size. Peter: Yeah you’re right (Steps outside) your not so big are you (The Mogwali steps on Peter crushing him)
Homer: That went well.
(Homer runs in the car and drives off with the Mogwali looking behind a la War of The Worlds. Homer looks in the side mirror at the Mogwali with a reading at the bottom ‘things will appear smaller than you’ a la Jurassic Park. The Mogwali goes off for a bit and Homer sighs of relief but looks in the mirror and it appears over the distance a la Bullitt)
Homer: I have a new plan.
(Homer turns the car around and drives towards the Big Mogwali)
Mogwali: Shouldn’t we be driving away form it.
Homer: I wonder if there’s an off button.
(Mogwali slaps him)
(Homer and the Mogwali yell as they drive towards the Big Mogwali. They bail out the car right before the Big Mogwali crushes it)
(Scene changes to Homer and the small Mogwali are running away as the Big Mogwali chases it with Homers voice in the background saying “ Chose Life. Chose Dreams. Chose your Friends. Chose your family. Don’t chose a toy to defend you against a humongous giant toy as you’re running away from it”. A la Trainspotting).
(Homer and the Mogwali reach a dead end)
Homer: Oh I didn’t want to die this way. I wanted to die beaten up by English people
(The small Mogwali steps forward and attacks the Big Mogwali tearing it down its stomach sending fluff everywhere. The small Mogwali dances on top of the big Mogwali. The rest of the Simpsons walk in)
Marge: Now we know the true evil Mogwali.
Homer: I’m Hungry.
(The simpons walk off)
(Scene changes to the family guy family still staring at the wall)
Stewie: Keep staring. Keep staring
(Scene goes blank) Stewie: (Over the Black) You blinked damn you. We’ve lost 9 million viewers.
Story 3: S men
(Scene begins with some stars and Patrick Stewarts voice over them)
Patrick: mutants. Ever since their discovery they’ve been regarded with fear often hatred. Well then fight back. But one thing is for shore. No one said there the same as us.
(The stars form into homer with a dohnut)
Homer: oh sprinkley.
(X men music play as colours and stuff come up as the words s-men come up. The words split and more colours come up as doors close on them with s on them and then they open to reveal the scene)
(Scene starts at a bar named punch, lunch but no hunch. Inside people are round a cage as Lisa sits down wearing a hood).
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen. Tonight I’m going to introduce a man who is half wolf as well. Here is wolverine.
(A macho Flanders is in a corner praying)
Announcer: who will take him on?
Man voice: I will.
(A heavy biker goes into the ring and runs up to Ned and Ned sticks out his fist and the man falls to the ground)
Announcer: well that’s 37 in a row. Wow. (Crowd cheer)
(Scene changes to Ned outside next to his truck and Lisa goes up to him.)
Lisa: hey I saw you. You were pretty cool.
Ned: well thank diddaly thank you.
Lisa: my name is rouge.
Ned: well that’s a nice Na…..
(Suddenly Moe as sabre-toothed jumps onto Ned leaving a scar on Ned which heals up. Then Ned takes out his claws and hits him. Suddenly there is a loud crash and homer as Cyclops zaps Moe).
Moe: ah give me a break.
(Next to homer are Marge and Agnes skinner. (Jean grey and storm) they pick up Ned and Lisa.)
Lisa: how are you?
Homer: I dunno but we ride this.
(Homer clicks his car keys and the jet appears)
Homer: lets go
(Jet flies off)
Scene 8
(The gang are round a table along with Bart as nightcrawler)
Lisa: so what are your names?
Homer: im Cyclops and this is jean.
Bart: and im nightcrawler watch.
(He vanishes and appears behind homer and taps him on the shoulder homer turns around and Bart vanishes and goes in front of homer and Bart taps him on the head. Bart laughs)
Homer: why you little.
(He strangles Bart)
Agnes: and im storm.
Lisa: aren’t you a little old?
Agnes: what are you implying?
Lisa: nothing.
(Milhouse shows up)
Milhouse: hi rouge. Im iceman.
Lisa: oh brother.
Milhouse: I rule this place. Im cool and I uh
(Lisa touches milhouse and he collapses)
Marge: but there’s one man you must meet.
(The gang are outside the doors that have an s on them they open to reveal grampa as professor x on a typewriter)
Grampa: I hate the way you show old people as cranks who write letters all day. For shame. To Fox Studios.
Marge: hello professor.
Grampa: hello children.
Marge: this is the professor.
Grampa: I spend all day looking for people. (Turns angry) especially him.
Ned: who?
(Scene switches to mr burns house with mr burns (magneto) and smithers (mystique) with him looking at the monitors)
Burns: so they want to destroy me. Well we’ll see about that.
Smithers: indeed sir.
Burns: do your Richard Nixon impression.
Smithers: fine (turns into Richard Nixon) I am a crook.
Burns: ah yes. Ha ha. But first we must steal her.
(Lisa comes up on all the monitors)
(Scene changes to Lisa eating lunch)
(Nelson as pryro comes up to Lisa)
Nelson: I know how you feel rouge. So I decided to tie up iceman.
Smithers voice: its me you idiots.
(Nelson and Lisa look at smithers tied up)
Lisa: what the
Smithers: mr burns wants to see you.
Lisa: ok
Nelson: ha ha. You look like a smurf.
(Smithers turns into Arnold schwarzzeneger)
Arnold: shut up little boy.
(He brings out a tranquillzer gun and shots nelson who falls down)
(Scene changes to Ned inside) Ned: have you seen rouge.
Grampa: (angry) he took her.
Ned: who?
Grampa: I dunno.
Marge: we have to find her.
Grampa: I know how.
Homer: cyrebro?
Grampa: no. Directory inquires.
(He picks up the phone and dials)
Voice: you’ve reached Directory inquires. Please hold.
(Lionel Riches ‘stuck on you’ plays)
Scene10
(Everyone’s in the jet)
Marge: ok we have to get rouge from inside the manor.
Bumblebee man: aye aye aye.
Cyclops: you’re not a mutant.
Bumblebee man: aye stupido mutantados.
(Scene changes to burns office)
Burns: come on smithers.
(Bill Cosby is there)
Bill: but you got the mutants and the disputings and the hootings and the gobble gobble gobble.
Burns: stop that.
Bill: sorry
(Bill turns into smithers)
(Scene changes as the gang are in the building)
Homer: man this place is so cool this man must be the greatest
Marge: we hate him.
Homer: right.
Ned: look up there.
(Lisa is tied to a pole on top of a nuclear reactor)
Homer: I’ll get her.
(Homer goes flying back after zapping)
Marge: are you all right.
Homer: yeah I put them on the wrong way.
(He reveals his eyes all brown and burning)
Marge: look!
(Ned’s climbing up the reactor)
Ned: I’m coming.
(Burns and smithers walk in)
Burns: not so fast.
Grampa: that’s easy.
Burns: you’re not going anywhere.
Grampa: well if it isn’t you.
Burns: oh I’ll crush you.
Grampa: yeah we’ll see about that. Back in 1949 mustard was around and I was young and hip and Roosevelt just signed a constitution banning socks.
(Smithers drags them to another room)
Smithers: there there.
(Ned is climbing up as the reactor is fizzing. He grabs rouge and goes down) Marge: oh rouge are you all right?
Lisa: yeah. Lets quickly get out of here.
Marge: where’s the professor?
Bart: you don’t want to know.
(The gang run as the reactor explodes behind them)
(Scene changes to everyone in the jet as Agnes is piloting it)
Agnes: it won’t go.
(Marge starts walking up but homer grabs her)
Homer: oh no. You not going till number 2.
Agnes: got it.
(The jet flies into the horizon)
(Patrick Stewarts voice starts playing)
Patrick: mutation. A key step to are evolutionary chain or just a bunch of people looking for money. Just like hillbillies. Some people say it affects the brain and destroys key brain cells. Judging by this group I don’t blame them.
END CREDITS
(X-men music plays over it)