Shame Spiral (or a probably-bad-stupid-nobody-will-ever-want-to-watch-it play about The Bachelor)
by
Ali Viterbi
Contact: Leah Hamos The Gersh Agency 41 Madison Ave, 33rd Floor New York, NY 10010 [email protected] CHARACTERS
THE PLAYWRIGHT: Ali
THE CRYING VIRGIN: Lauren S, Lauren of S
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT: Chris Harrison, Producer, @Bigshot, Frat Bro, Enthusiastic Bro, Man in Toga, Doctor
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR: Producer 2, @Knight, Romantic Bro, Woke Bro, Boyfriend, Bee Keeper, Father
THE ASSHOLE: Youtube Jerk, Producer 3, Chad, Chadworth, @Asshole, Jerk Bro, Scared Bro, Roman Soldier, Southern Man
THE SLUT: Lauren B, @Slut, Lady-in-Waiting
THE WIFEY: Lauren P, @Wifey, Midwife, Sister, E-News
THE DESPERATE MILF: Lauren D, @MILF, Cave Woman, Town Busy Body TIME AND PLACE
The Present. America. On the Internet. In Reality. On TV. Somewhere in between.
A NOTE ON LANGUAGE & STAGING
On The Bachelor, the lead and his chosen winner get engaged in under ten weeks. Things happen FAST. This play should feel faster. Every transition should be lightening-quick. The internet is theatricalized onstage, and the audience should feel like they're falling faster and faster down an internet rabbit hole (or a shame spiral).
When Lauren S announces her virginity on national television, the other characters get a taste of blood. Over the course of the play, they become more and more blood-hungry - until they ultimately devour her. The world should be Shiny and Perfect, until it isn't - until it's full of blood, and weird-smelling butts, and pubic hair. Take that as literally (or theatrically) as you want.
Some of the text of this play is taken directly from The Bachelor Franchise and related forms of video and social media content. Feel free to google, but you shouldn't feel married to any naturalistic interpretations or reenactments of the actual Franchise and its buzz.
Scene Titles should either be projected or The Playwright should speak them aloud.
An intimacy director is required for staging many of the scenes in this play.
Oh, also: I think the stage should feel like an explosion of the traditionally feminine: think a pink, sparkly Barbie Dream House.
Note: A Slash (/) indicates overlapping dialogue. Where the slash appears, the next line begins [Words in brackets] are unspoken, perhaps gestured at (Words in parentheses) are quiet, said under the breath, maybe a tonal shift (Food) for thought-
"[When you're the Bachelor], it feels like you're a meat and they wanna eat you." -Juan Pablo, Bachelor Season 18
"In the end, I’m thankful I was open about my virginity on The Bachelor because it made a lot of people feel less alone." -Ashley I, "The Crying Virgin," Bachelor Contestant Season 19
"When I said 'I don’t like romance,' it was the equivalent of a dieter insisting she just doesn’t want dessert. I did want it—I just thought I wasn’t allowed." - Jess Zimmerman, "Hunger Makes Me," Hazlitt
“In the past couple of years, the ‘attention-seeking’ label has become an all-purpose way to... shame women for the way they present their bodies and selves in public...[But] the desire to be known—to be paid mind—is profoundly human." - Rebecca Onion, Slate
Many thanks to Gabrielle Hoyt, my eternal dramaturg, for being the loving doula to every play I birth.
For Power Squad, because who needs a Chad? THE TEASER
The Crying Virgin stands in white, bathed in angelic light. But then:
The rest of the Chorus become Blood-Hungry Demons. They’re ravenous. They slowly circle The Crying Virgin, and then:
JUMP on her. They start devouring her. Like a pack of dogs or wolves. They tear off her clothing. It’s insanely animalistic, even bacchanalian. We see blood on their faces, in their teeth.
Then:
LIGHTS UP.
Everything is shiny and polished. Perfect.
A SPECTACLE, all caps.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT HOW YA DOING, BACHELOR NATION?
Everyone screams and woos.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Good Evening Everyone and Welcome! I’m your host, Chris Harrison, and tonight will be the most dramatic night ever in Bachelor History. I know, I know, I say that every time. But tonight we’re here to talk about the woman EVERYONE’s been talking about.
ALL The woman EVERYONE’s been talking about.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT The woman we love to hate.
ALL The woman we hate to love.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT The woman who stole our hearts. 2.
ALL The woman whose heart we stole.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT She’s.... THE CRYING VIRGIN!
ALL THE CRYING VIRGIN!
THE SLUT She’s the feminist / hero we all need right now!
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT She’s the CRAZY / BITCH!
THE DESPERATE MILF She is fit / habitation for our Father’s heavenly spirit.
THE ASSHOLE She’s a lying / Cunt.
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR She is the girl / I dream about when I close my eyes.
THE WIFEY She’s the woman I want to be when I grow up.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT It’s Lauren S! From Season 23 of the Bachelor.
Applause.
During the applause: The Crying Virgin magically appears. She stands on a pedestal, twirling and crying and twirling and crying and twirling and crying.
More applause.
Even more applause.
Oh shit they’re still applauding. And she’s still twirling and crying. 3.
As she continues to twirl and cry:
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Now to help us tell the tale of The Crying Virgin, I’d like to introduce you this evening to some of our other cast members. Please give a warm welcome to:
As they’re each announced, they strike a character-appropriate pose.
THE SLUT The Slut.
ALL The Slut.
THE ASSHOLE The Asshole.
ALL The Asshole.
THE DESPERATE MILF The Desperate MILF.
ALL The Desperate MILF.
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR The Knight in Shining Armor.
ALL The Knight in Shining Armor.
THE WIFEY The Wifey.
ALL The Wifey.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT And I’m The Bigshot Hotshot.
ALL The Bigshot Hotshot. 4.
THE PLAYWRIGHT is sitting in the middle of a row in the audience. She raises her hand meekly, to get The Bigshot Hotshot to notice her.
THE SLUT The Slut.
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR The Knight in Shining Armor.
THE DESPERATE MILF The Desperate MILF.
THE ASSHOLE The Asshole.
THE WIFEY The Wifey.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT The Bigshot Hotshot. And The Crying Virgin.
More applause. The Crying Virgin is still twirling and crying.
The Playwright is definitely full-on raising her hand by now, like full-on-Hermione-in- Sorcerer’s-Stone raising her hand. Finally, The Bigshot Hotshot notices her.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Oh. (less showman-y) And The Playwright.
ALL The Playwright.
The Chorus (minus The Crying Virgin) freezes. The Playwright rises. 5.
THE PLAYWRIGHT (getting out of the row, climbing over people) Sorry, sorry, excuse me. I shouldn’t have sat in... Thank you, Sorry.
The Playwright climbs onstage.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Hey y’all. (I say y’all cause it’s gender neutral, not cause I’m from the South. Not that there’s anything wrong with being from the South, but...) Anyway. I’m Ali. I’m The Playwright.
ALL (un-freezing) The Playwright.
The Chorus freezes again.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Oh, thanks, yeah. I just wanted to say a few things before we get started. Then I promise I’ll shut up. OK so my dirty little secret: I’m obsessed with The Bachelor. You know, the TV Show? Monday nights at 8pm on ABC? Obsessed. I’ve watched every season. I’ve watched Sean and Catherine’s season twice because their kinds are so dang cute. There are actually eleven Bachelor babies, fun fact. And two on the way! So Love exits. And I listen to three Bachelor recap podcasts every week. And I follow all of my favorite contestants on instagram and twitter. I actually made a twitter account just so I could follow them. So. I am basically a certified expert in the Bachelor Franchise. Oh, also: I once wrote a skit for my family’s Passover Seder where Moses gives Pharaoh a rose, asking “Will you let my people go?” My sisters played Moses and Pharaoh, and I played God, obviously. Anyway. I just thought I’d list my credentials before diving into this romp through fake eyelashes, artificial conflicts, antiquated gender politics, and promises of “true love” blech. And hopefully we can figure out together why we’re addicted to the things we should hate. Ok. 6.
So turn off your cellphones, note the emergency exits, and yeah. Enjoy the trashiest show on TV?
The Playwright disappears. Back to the SPECTACLE. (The Crying Virgin is still twirling and crying, just FYI.)
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Now sometimes when people watch The Bachelor they like to play a drinking game. So for those of you imbibing tonight, we’re gonna break down the rules for you. Take it away, Asshole!
Every time a drinking rule is mentioned, the cast choreographically does a shot.
THE ASSHOLE 1) Drink every time The Bachelor Chad takes off his shirt.
THE SLUT, THE DESPERATE MILF, AND THE WIFEY Oooooooh!
THE WIFEY 2) Drink every time you think Lauren S is wearing too much make-up.
THE ASSHOLE, THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, AND THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Ewwwww!
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR 3) Drink every time Lauren S cries.
THE SLUT, THE DESPERATE MILF, AND THE WIFEY Awwwww!
THE DESPERATE MILF 4) Drink every time Lauren S lies.
THE ASSHOLE, THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, AND THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Boooooooo! 7.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT 5) Drink every time you see a rose.
THE SLUT, THE DESPERATE MILF, AND THE WIFEY Yayyyyyyy!
THE SLUT And 6) Drink every time someone mentions Lauren S’ virginity.
THE ASSHOLE, THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, AND THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Awwwyeahhhh.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Now careful, everyone. If you follow these rules, you’re probably gonna get/
ALL WASTED.
THE PLAYWRIGHT (popping back out) Which is maybe a good thing? (You might hate this show so much you’ll wish you were drunk?)
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Ok folks. So drink responsibly. Or maybe just give us a good ol’ fashioned salute from your chair.
The Bigshot Hotshot demonstrates a salute.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT So now without further adieu, relax, sit back, kick off your shoes, top off your glass of Rosé. Because, on behalf of/
They pose again.
THE SLUT (sloppy-drunk) The Slut.
THE ASSHOLE The Asshole.
DESPERATE MILF The Desperate MILF. 8.
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR The Knight in Shining Armor.
THE WIFEY The Wifey.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT The Bigshot Hotshot. The Playwright. And The Crying Virgin...
The Bachelor theme music starts playing.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Let’s see how the Drama Unfolds.
Everyone disappears except for The Crying Virgin, who’s still crying and twirling as the Bachelor theme music continues to play. 9.
ACT ONE
1: LET’S START @ THE VERY BEGINNING
Lights Up. It’s Lauren S’ Bachelor Audition Interview. She can’t stop smiling. A camera films.
PRODUCER So. Lauren S. For this preliminary audition, we just want to ask you a few questions to uh make sure you’re the... you know, right fit for the show.
LAUREN S Ok. Fire away.
PRODUCER Great. We’ll start off nice and simple. Where do you live?
LAUREN S Dallas.
PRODUCER Dallas. And what is dating life like in Dallas?
LAUREN S Well I wouldn’t be here if it was good, right? Ha. Um. I guess it’s... I don’t know. I’m on all the apps. But it’s just like swiping through a sea of guys in Dallas Cowboy hats? And then finally when I decide to meet up with a guy, he’ll cancel because he says he’s stuck in traffic?
PRODUCER And why do you think that is?
LAUREN S Um. Gosh, I don’t know. I mean, I think I’m a catch? Ha. (Probably not.) I don’t think I’m picky, maybe I’m picky? I’m just... I don’t know. Sometimes I think there’s like a ‘kick me’ sign on my back? Like the Universe is just like “suck it, Lauren!” you know? I want to find that person that makes me want to slow down time. Like we’ll spend a lifetime together and get old and wrinkly and I’ll still want more time with him? Because right now, I just want to press fast forward on my life. Like skip through all of the... Do you ever feel that way? Sorry wow, I screwed that up. Can I start over? (polished answer) I just haven’t found the right person... for me. 10.
PRODUCER Ok. Then can you describe your ideal partner?
LAUREN S Oh. Um. Tall. I like tall men. Although short is fine too. I like someone who’s athletic, but not like a gym rat. I guess like naturally fit? Is that a thing? And someone on the gentler side. Like Chad? From Rebecca’s season? Is he in the running? Oh and someone who wants to listen. I guess I mean I like it when I feel I’m really being seen / or you
PRODUCER Ok. Can you tell us a little about your social media presence?
LAUREN S Sure. Um, I used to post a lot, like every day, like travel photos and make-up tutorials and stuff. I have this dream that I’ll start my own make-up line. But, uh... I found myself just staring at the screen, counting the likes. It wasn’t... I just mean, I think I can get kind of obsessive or? So now I just post every few weeks, I don’t know.
PRODUCER When was the last time you were in love?
LAUREN S I’ve - is it ok to say? I’ve, um, never actually been in love. Never had a serious boyfriend, or anything. But I want to. Obviously. That’s why I’m here. That’s why my sister signed me up.
PRODUCER Have you, um. Have you been intimate with someone before?
LAUREN S Intimate as in...?
PRODUCER Sex?
LAUREN S Oh, um. No, I haven’t. Not that I’m not willing to... I just want to wait for that someone that really Knows me, that really sees / me. 11.
PRODUCER Ok great. So last question before we do the blood test and urine sample.
LAUREN S There’s a blood / test and ....?
PRODUCER What is your biggest fear?
LAUREN S Besides blood tests ha, uh... I guess my biggest fear is that, um. That I’ll die alone? Everyone probably says that. I saw on the news a couple weeks ago that this old woman died alone in her apartment. And they only found her body like three weeks later when the neighbors smelt something like rotten eggs from upstairs. And I texted my friend something like “ha ha hope that’s not me?” She didn’t reply. Whatever, I’m sure she was busy. But yeah. I have this vision that... (tearing up) That I’m just lying there, dying, and I’m just like - is this it? Is this really all there is? Sorry. Oh gosh. Sorry. Crying is probably a bad thing, right?
2: CRY COUNT
A youtube video: Lauren S. Cry Count.
LAUREN S My goal for this season is to only cry once, maybe twice.
Bell dings.
YOUTUBE JERK The official Lauren S Cry Count (TM).
Bell dings. #1
LAUREN S (sobbing) I think that I should just gooooo.
Bell dings. #2 12.
LAUREN S (sobbing) And then I just think what’s wrong with me? Like am I the like man-repellant?
Bell dings. #3
LAUREN S (sobbing) It’s just so hard to keep it together and I want so bad to keep it together
Bell dings. #4
LAUREN S (sobbing) Like will no one ever love me?
Bell dings. #5
LAUREN S (sobbing) How...am....I....supposed...to...find...another....YOU????
Bell ding. #6
Lauren S sobs. She won’t stop sobbing.
Ding ding ding ding ding.
3: THE WALK OF SHAME
A parade of LAURENS (Lauren P, Lauren B, Lauren D, and Lauren S) across the stage. It should feel like a weird, grown-up beauty pageant. Their names are labeled across their chest.
Once the parade is over, the LAURENS freeze. They have big, creepy smiles plastered on their faces.
We’re at the Producer’s Room at the Bachelor Mansion. Night one. 13.
PRODUCER So Lauren P for Slut?
PRODUCER 2 Nah, Lauren P’s a wifey for sure.
PRODUCER We have too many wifey’s this season!
PRODUCER 3 But Chad seems really into her.
PRODUCER Fine. Lauren P. Wifey-Slut. Same difference. Whatever.
Producer hands Lauren P a sign that says “Wifey.”
PRODUCER So then who for Slut?
PRODUCER 3 Lauren B. Did you see her opening night dress?
PRODUCER And those fake titties?
PRODUCER 3 Yup. She THIRSTY.
PRODUCER 2 But Lauren B’s gonna be gone like week 3.
PRODUCER Exactly. Sluts get cut.
Producer hands Lauren B a sign that says “Slut.”
PRODUCER Ok next. Lauren D.
PRODUCER 3 Desperate MILF. 14.
PRODUCER 2 Ohmygod for SURE.
PRODUCER Yup. No question / there.
PRODUCER 3 She’s like right out of a sex-crazed Cougar porno. In her interview she was going on and on about how her son needs a new Daddy. He needs a role model blechhhhh.
Producer hands Lauren D a sign that says “Desperate MILF.”
PRODUCER So. What about Lauren S?
A long beat.
PRODUCER 3 I don’t know, man. She’s a wildcard.
PRODUCER 2 Wifey?
PRODUCER What did I say? We have too many wifeys, / guys.
PRODUCER 2 But she’s really sweet. Like, you know, / traditional.
PRODUCER 3 BORING.
PRODUCER 2 She’s not boring, she’s sweet.
PRODUCER 3 She’s a virgin!
PRODUCER 2 See? Wifey!
PRODUCER 3 Wifey’s aren’t / virgins. 15.
PRODUCER 2 Isn’t that like, definition wifey?
PRODUCER You think Chad wants to marry a virgin?
PRODUCER 2 Maybe! Why not?
PRODUCER 3 UH have you met him?
PRODUCER She is a crier.
PRODUCER 2 Yeah but in like a naive kind of way.
PRODUCER We can edit it in whatever way we want.
PRODUCER 3 So... crazy bitch?
PRODUCER 2 It’s 2019. Do we really have to say the word... (bitch?)
PRODUCER 3 It’s just, like, a label.
PRODUCER Ok yes. Crazy bitch. We can work with that. CRAZY BITCH. Who’s next?
4: CRAZY BITCH STEPS OUT OF THE LIMO
CHAD stands at the end of the driveway of the Bachelor Mansion. A limo approaches. Lauren S exits the limo.
LAUREN S Hi Chad. Oh I’m so happy to be here! 16.
Lauren S approaches Chad. A long hug.
Simultaneously, Twitter users magically appear, separate from the scene. Before they say their lines, they make the twitter “yoohoo” sound. They tweet:
@WIFEY OMG @LaurenS, you’re / so pretty!
@KNIGHT Daaaaaamn she’s hot.
@MILF @SLUT Ewwww that dress is so ugly! OMG I NEED that dress!
CHAD You are beautiful, my God. What’s your name?
LAUREN S Oh right. I’m Lauren. Lauren S. I know there are a lot of Laurens.
CHAD There are, but Lauren S. I’ll remember that.
LAUREN S Good. I’m so happy it’s you, really. And I have to say I have a little crush on you. Every time I see you I’m just like eeeee! And I’m just so glad / to be here.
@WIFEY Awwww she’s so nice!
@MILF Desperate much, @LaurenS?
CHAD I’m glad you’re here.
Lauren S looks at the cameraman/producer before delivering this line. Maybe he gives her an encouraging nod or thumbs up. 17.
LAUREN S (a line the producers fed her) Now I know you’re a farmer, so I just wanted to say you can plow my field any day.
Lauren S does an awkward sex-thrust gesture. She hates herself for doing it. Her face colors with Shame.
@WIFEY OMG did she / really just say that?
@KNIGHT You can plow my field / any day @LaurenS
@SLUT WHAT A CRAZY BITCH!
CHAD Oh wow ok.
LAUREN S Ahh sorry - I mean - I’ll see you inside. Come find me?
Lauren S exits. She shoots the Bigshot Producer a “what the hell” stare. A cacophony of ‘yoohoo’ sounds.
5: TEN STAGES OF LOVE
THE PLAYWRIGHT Ok. So in Bachelor World, you’re not allowed to just pop out of the limo and say “I love you.”
The Bigshot Hotshot takes the stage.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT (annoyed that the Playwright is leading the show) (I thought you weren’t going to interrupt.)
THE PLAYWRIGHT (Yeah, hi. Sorry.) 18.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT (back to being Bigshot) That’s right, folks. Because love is not about the destination, it’s about the journey.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Seriously? Are you getting paid by Hallmark?
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT It’s true. It takes time! So buckle up and allow me to tell you the TEN tried and true / steps
THE PLAYWRIGHT Artificial / steps
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT To saying those three big words.
THE PLAYWRIGHT On National Television.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT (Stop!) Number one: The Crush.
THE WIFEY And I have to say I have a little crush on you. Every time I see you I’m just like eeeee!
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Number two:
THE DESPERATE MILF I like you.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Number three:
THE SLUT I really really like you.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Number four:
THE WIFEY I’m crazy about you. 19.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Yeah. You do sound a little crazy.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Number five:
THE DESPERATE MILF I’m falling for you.
THE PLAYWRIGHT [Gagging sounds]
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Number six:
THE SLUT I’m falling in love with you.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Seriously? After three weeks?
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT (increasingly frustrated) Number seven:
THE WIFEY I love you.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT (before The Playwright can speak) But is that enough? Is that all? Number eight:
THE SLUT I’m really scared to say it but I AM in love with you.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Maybe you should think about why you’re so scared to say it.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT It’s Love. It’s scary. Shhhh. Number nine: 20.
THE DESPERATE MILF I’m in love with you.
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT And if you’re lucky, if you make it all the way to the end, you just might hear lucky number ten:
CHAD I’m in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Chad gets down on one knee, and holds out an engagement ring to The Playwright. She’s actually kind of moved by this, despite herself.
CHAD / Will you marry me?
6: A TRIO OF LAURENS, PT. 1
The Bachelor Mansion. Cocktail party #2.
Starting midway through this scene, the twitter “yoohoo” sound plays (it will be denoted by a * in the text). By the end of the scene, it should drown out the Laurens’ dialogue.
LAUREN S Will you marry me? And he’s like down on one knee with the ring. And then I wake up.
LAUREN D Ohmygod!
LAUREN S It’s stupid, right? I’m having proposal dreams and it’s only the end of week one!
LAUREN D It’s / not stupid
LAUREN B Have either of you gotten to chat with him yet?
LAUREN S / Yeah. 21.
LAUREN D Yes, we had the most amazing talk.
LAUREN S Really?
LAUREN D Yeah. We, like, talked about our families and stuff. I showed him a picture of Grayson.
LAUREN S LAUREN B Awwww. Who’s Grayson?
LAUREN D Um. My son?
LAUREN B Right right / sorry
LAUREN S That’s so sweet! Chad and I just talked about baseball.
LAUREN B He likes baseball?
LAUREN S LAUREN D Yeah You didn’t know that?
LAUREN S We did kiss, though.
LAUREN B LAUREN D Ohmygod! Really?
LAUREN S Yeah, it was amazing.
LAUREN B He’s a great kisser, / right?
LAUREN D Wait when did you kiss him?
LAUREN B Night one. 22.
LAUREN D LAUREN S Seriously? Night one?
LAUREN B Yeah, whatever. He kissed like three girls night one.
LAUREN D Seriously? Damn. I have to get on that.
LAUREN B Did you tell him that you’ve never had a boyfriend before?
LAUREN S No, I / haven’t
LAUREN D Wait, you’ve never had a boyfriend before??
LAUREN S I mean, I’ve dated, but not a serious / boyfriend
LAUREN B Isn’t that crazy??
LAUREN S I’m a virgin, I’m not even kidding.***
LAUREN D Um Woah. That’s so... cool?
LAUREN S Yeah no I don’t know whether he’s gonna like it or not
LAUREN B No he will like it. Every guy likes it. Because guys like taking virginities.*
LAUREN D Yeah I’m sure he’ll like it.*
LAUREN B No seriously. I’m jealous. 23.
LAUREN S (laughs) Ok but I’m only talking about it / with you right now. So like don’t...
LAUREN B Seriously. I’m jealous that you’re a virgin right now.* Like actually jealous. It’s gonna make you stay here so much longer.
LAUREN S Really?
LAUREN B I swear to God. Remember that Virgin on Chris’ season? She got like a whole arc.
LAUREN D And like a huge instagram following afterwards. I have a kid so it’s like an instant giveaway that I’m not a virgin.
LAUREN B Yes I’m so jealous that you have this.* You’re super pretty, you have a great personality, and you’re a virgin. Ohmygod. You have to tell him. You have to tell him. I wish I was in your shoes.
LAUREN S I’ve been waiting for a / long...
LAUREN B And you’ll make it to the fantasy suite because he’s gonna be like yup I want to take her virginity.
LAUREN D Why are you a virgin?
LAUREN S Oh, uh...
LAUREN D Sorry if that’s like too [personal] or / whatever
LAUREN S No, / it’s uh...
LAUREN B You’re religious, right? 24.
LAUREN S NO!*
LAUREN B Oh seriously? I totally thought you were religious
LAUREN S I just, uh... I don’t know. I’m not waiting for marriage* or / anything like
LAUREN D Wait seriously?
LAUREN S Yeah. I mean, I’ve done other stuff. Like all the other stuff. But I’m just waiting, you know, for the right... person, I guess? The right heart?*
LAUREN B Ohmygod Chad’s gonna love that. Seriously.* He’ll be all like enter Mr. Right.*
LAUREN D Imma POP that/*
LAUREN S Stop!
LAUREN B You have NO idea how lucky you are.******
7: #BACHELORNATION
The twitter sounds come to a climax and explode.
Bachelor nation responds to Lauren S revealing her virginity on television. A twitter live feed.
The Chorus makes the ‘yoohoo’ sound before each tweet.
The Asshole should slowly start JERKING OFF from the beginning of this sequence. It gets more hot and heavy, more frenzied, as the scene goes on. 25.
@WIFEY OMG she’s a virgin.
@SLUT @MILF OMG OMG LAUREN YESSSSS!
@KNIGHT Of course she’s a virgin. Look at her.
@BIGSHOT She is so ugly who would want to fuck her?
@SLUT Rude.
@BIGSHOT (Ur rude shut ur fucking mouth / whore)
@KNIGHT Ewwww her eyelashes would like fall off into / his BUTT
@WIFEY @MILF Lololololololol Ewwww she’d smear that makeup all over his balls NASTY
@BIGSHOT I just want to enter that sweet tight virgin / pussy
@KNIGHT Sleeping with a virgin is like is like winning a battle in Vietnam.
@BIGSHOT Ooh I want to pop that cherry / so hard
@SLUT Who says “cherry” anymore?
@WIFEY I can tie a cherry stem / with my tongue
@KNIGHT Lauren: “I’m a virgin.” Cue men all over America getting hard. 26.
@WIFEY A girl can be sexy without / having sex.
@MILF YASSSSS YOU GO LAUREN S!/ @WIFEY @SLUT Lauren S is my hero. She’s so brave wowowowowow
@MILF I want my kids to grow up to be just like Lauren S
@WIFEY Hands raised in celebration / emoji!
@BIGSHOT Chad should totally dump / her.
@SLUT If he dumps her for this, he would be the world’s biggest a**hole!
@KNIGHT Send her home, Chad!
@MILF / Yasssssss!
@WIFEY If you continue to date sweetheart Chad, I will K-I-L-L you in public next year.
@KNIGHT Go die u worthless hoe!/
@MILF No one would / miss you!
@BIGSHOT I want to stab you to death and play / around with your blood.
@KNIGHT I call bullshit. The way she kisses Chad? No way Lauren S is a virgin.
@WIFEY If ur really a “virgin,” maybe stop stripping on TV!
@SLUT She has her belly button pierced OF COURSE she’s not a virgin 27.
@MILF Get this LIAR off my Television Screen!
@WIFEY LIAR!/
@KNIGHT BITCH!/
@BIGSHOT WHORE!/
@KNIGHT TEASE!/
THE ASSHOLE (chanting) CHECK HER HYMEN!
@ALL CHECK HER HYMEN! CHECK HER HYMEN! CHECK HER HYMEN! CHECK HER HYMEN! CHECK HER HYMEN! CHECK HER HYMEN! CHECK HER HYMEN! CHECK HER HYMEN!
The Asshole climaxes.
END OF ACT ONE. 28.
ACT TWO
In reaction to the twitter feed:
LAUREN S Everyone says like you signed up for this, this is what comes with the territory. And I did, that’s true, but I still deserve... I don’t know. I want to stop crying. Maybe I should have just lived back in the olden times when virgins were the ones that were put on a pedestal.
1: THE OLDEN TIMES WHEN VIRGINS WERE THE ONES THAT WERE PUT ON A PEDESTAL, PT. 1
The stage transforms. It’s now the olden times when virgins were the ones that were put on a pedestal. Maybe like in the time of Shakespeare? Or the Restoration? I don’t know, but there were definitely corsets and wigs and petticoats and shit.
Lauren S gets dressed in full on restoration/Shakespeare/etc-garb. The Playwright helps her put it on. We should see her squeeze herself uncomfortably into the corset. Maybe The Playwright tugs too hard on her hair. It hurts. Lauren S can audibly react with grunts or “ow.”
As The Playwright helps Lauren S get dressed:
THE PLAYWRIGHT (to audience) Hi again! (to Lauren) Sorry, is this too tight? Ahh sorry. (to audience) Writing plays is like when I was little and I would play with my Barbies and I would dress them up and braid their hair and, like, smash my Glitter Hair barbie and my Teacher barbie together and make them kiss. (And scissor. And scratch up each others’ plastic bodies.) My actors probably wouldn’t like me comparing them to Barbies. And now that I’ve heard myself say that out loud it sounds kind of (rape-y)... So bloop bloop REWIND. 29.
Ali’s finished helping Lauren get dressed. Now she’s Lauren of S, perfect and picturesque. She stands up on a pedestal. She twirls and twirls and twirls and twirls and twirls.
THE PLAYWRIGHT (to Lauren) Again, SORRY. Wow you look so beautiful. (to audience) Anyway. Now you will see a real-life scene from my real-life life.
2: SHAME SPIRAL, PT. 1
Continuous.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Lights, please.
Black out.
In the darkness: moaning. Harder, then harder, then harder. An orgasm? Lights up. The Crying Virgin is gone.
The Playwright lies on BOYFRIEND’s bed. She wears his shirt. She fidgets with his shirt.
The bed is full of rose petals. Dramatic Bachelor background music plays.
THE PLAYWRIGHT That was like, like one for the ages, babe. Out of nowhere BAM and I’m like I can’t feel my limbs. Am I still in my body?
Boyfriend kisses The Playwright.
BOYFRIEND Glad it was good, babe. You sure I wasn’t too...?/
THE PLAYWRIGHT No, it was... Just what I wanted. 30.
BOYFRIEND What else do you like?
THE PLAYWRIGHT You mean like kinks?
BOYFRIEND Kinks, fantasies, whatever.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Um ok. Promise you won’t... Never mind.
BOYFRIEND Babe if I didn’t judge that.../
THE PLAYWRIGHT Fine ok. Um. Ahhhso you know The Bachelor?
BOYFRIEND Yeah.
THE PLAYWRIGHT And how when it’s down to the final three, they go into the fantasy suite where they have time off-camera but it’s basically like a sex room?
BOYFRIEND Ok...
THE PLAYWRIGHT OK so I was just watching the most recent episode. And there’s this contestant, Lauren S, and she just like told everyone that she’s a virgin. And I have this, ok this like fantasy I guess? That I’m a virgin again and The Bachelor, like,[de-flowers] me in the fantasy suite on National Television. Because I’m the one, like the one he’s chosen out of... I mean like it’s stupid right because The Bachelor is this like hyper-fake, like packaged romanticized version of Love. Like it’s not Love- it’s not like this, I mean, not that I’m, I mean, not that we’ve said... I mean, it’s Produced Love. But there’s something about it that just like...I don’t know.
BOYFRIEND I mean, we can definitely try that, if you want? 31.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Ugh now I’m like so embarrassed.
BOYFRIEND Don’t be embarrassed, babe. It’s just a fantasy.
THE PLAYWRIGHT I’m not like a love sap like Lauren S. Ew! I’m nothing like her. And I don’t want you to like “pick” me over 28 other women. I mean, I kind of do, I think that’s kind of romantic, but UGH I’m gonna be the CRAZY BITCH you dated who likes The Bachelor.
BOYFRIEND You’re not a / “crazy bitch”
THE PLAYWRIGHT And like fantasizes about the Bachelor, and writes a play about hate-fucking the franchise and it just spirals and spirals and spirals / and
BOYFRIEND Babe, no. I want to know the real you. Like the more I know you, the more I... I love you.
THE PLAYWRIGHT You... love me?
3: CHERRY POP
FRAT BRO What would I do to her? Man, huh. I think I’d start slow, probably with missionary, you know. Then, switch to cowgirl, maybe some doggie. Just nice and easy. Don’t want her to CRY LMFAO!
ROMANTIC BRO I’d take her back to my place, light a few candles, drink some Chardonnay, maybe take a bath, give her a massage. You know, she deserves it.
IVY LEAGUE BRO I’d wanna fuck her. Like really fuck her. Because sexual imprinting, you know? It sets the psychological precedent for the rest of her life. 32.
Like at Princeton I knew this girl who was like Damaged because her first time was with this dude who was just like, I don’t know, flailing around down there. Seriously Damaged. So yeah, I’d fuck her. Hard. So forever after she’d be like ooh I’ll never have it so good again.
ENTHUSIASTIC BRO I’d go to town on that pussy. Eat her out like it’s the last fucking supper. Show her what she’s been missing.
WOKE BRO I’d check in. Like every second. Like before I take off her shirt - can I take off your shirt? Are you sure? Do I have permission to take off your bra? Please stop me if we’re doing anything you’re not 1000% comfortable with. You want to make sure she consents. Affirmatively. Yes, yes please, hell yes. Cause like you’re on national television, you know what I mean?
SCARED BRO I wouldn’t even touch her. She’s been dreaming of this day, like, her whole life. It’s just too much pressure, you know?
4: CROWN OR DROWN!
On a pedestal above a tank of water stands Lauren S, Lauren B, Lauren D, and Lauren P.
CHRIS HARRISON And Welcome Back to Week Three of Chad’s incredible Journey to find Love. We are in the beautiful, rolling hills of Salzburg. But unlike Fraulein Maria, these girls are no nuns (well, maybe Lauren S). Today four women on this group date will be competing to win some coveted one-on-one time with Chad. Now this challenge is called CROWN OR DROWN. Are you ready?
THE LAURENS Woooo!
CHRIS HARRISON OK. Now I’m going to ask you a series of questions, to find out how well you really know Chad. Let’s start with you, Lauren B.
LAUREN B Ok. 33.
CHRIS HARRISON Chad is a former NFL player. So you better get this right. How many points are in a touchdown?
LAUREN B 7! Oh no, six! Seven with a kick.
CHRIS HARRISON Quick recovery, we’ll give it to you.
LAUREN B Yes!
CHRIS HARRISON Lauren P, how many dogs does Chad have?
LAUREN P Ummm three, I think? Yeah. Roxy, Lola, and Thor.
CHRIS HARRISON Very good! Lauren S. You are a virgin, correct?
LAUREN S Yes.
CHRIS HARRISON So you should know this one. Who sings the song, “Like A Virgin?”
LAUREN S Madonna!
CHRIS HARRISON Very good!
CHRIS HARRISON So, um. Lauren D.
The Playwright approaches Chris Harrison. She whispers something in his ear. He gives her a “really?” look, then shrugs: “ok.”
CHRIS HARRISON OK, so. You’re a mother. What nasty things happen to a woman’s body after she gives birth? 34.
LAUREN D Oh Ummmm. Well for me, I had lots of stretch marks. Some vaginal discharge for about a month. Um, engorged nipples, nipple pain. Swelling in my hands and feet. Sweating, I lost some hair. And I think um... constipation?
CHRIS HARRISON That is incorrect.
LAUREN D What?
CHRIS HARRISON You forgot hemorrhoids and bleeding in and around the ANUS. I’m sorry, Lauren D. But you do not win the crown. It’s time to DROWN.
The Playwright presses a button. Lauren D falls through the pedestal, into a tank of water.
CHRIS HARRISON Alright, now these questions will get harder. Lauren B. Our Bachelor Chad, the Stud Farmer, he’s a little old school. And we know you’ve gotten around. How many men is too many men?
LAUREN B Oh gosh. Um. Like 30? Maybe?
CHRIS HARRISON EH, incorrect.
The Playwright presses a button. She’s starting to get into the game. Lauren B falls through the pedestal, into a tank of water.
CHRIS HARRISON The correct answer is Eight. Tough break. Lauren P. As Chad’s wife, what would your primary responsibility be?
LAUREN P Ooooh, we were just talking about this. Um. Well, raise the kids, of course. But really just always stand by his side, you know, put him First. 35.
CHRIS HARRISON Very good. Lauren S. What is the average age that people lose their virginity?
LAUREN S Oh. Um. Not 27, ha. Uh. I think it’s like 20 or something?
CHRIS HARRISON EH incorrect. It’s actually 17. Sorry Lauren S, but it’s Time. To. DROWN!
The Playwright presses a button. Lauren S falls through the pedestal, into a tank of water. The Playwright cheers. Lauren P cheers - she won!
Chris Harrison gives Lauren P a congratulatory hug. The Playwright grabs Lauren P from Chris Harrison’s embrace and sticks her in front of a Red Carpet Step and Repeat.
CHRIS HARRISON What are you doing??
THE PLAYWRIGHT I just have one more question for the winner.
5: HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY, PT. 1
Continuous. The Playwright sticks a microphone in Lauren P’s face. A weird oversaturated spotlight. The occasional click of a camera.
THE PLAYWRIGHT So. Lauren P. There’s all this talk about Lauren S being a Virgin. How did you lose your virginity?
LAUREN P Oh, OK. So. In high school I was like kind of a flirt? I would dance and make out with a bunch of rando guys, but it didn’t... I don’t mean a BUNCH, I mean like a normal amount. Like, a normal amount. 36.
And I really wanted my first time to be “special” you know, that bullshit. So by the time I was in college, I was a 20-year old virgin and I was just like fuuuuuck wrong strategy Lauren, wrong strategy. So I go on Tinder, swipe right on a decent enough looking guy, and make plans. My girlfriends get me like nice and tipsy before I go out - they said that would take the edge off the pain. And he’s fine, like. Cute. He smoked cigarettes, so I thought he was cool? He picks me up and he’s driving me to dinner and he turns off into this parking lot. I didn’t want my first time to be in a parking lot, but I had made it that far, so. It felt ok, I guess? It didn’t hurt that bad. I mean my back hurt, from like lying half on the seat, half off, but I didn’t bleed or anything. I thought I would have this like grand induction into the club of sex-having people, the club of grown-ups, But. I showered as soon as I got home. Whatever. I have a friend that’s (thirty) and still a virgin. At least I’m not her?
6: VIRGINITY TESTS THROUGHOUT THE AGES
Virginity Tests throughout the ages. Lauren S is violated over and over and over again.
~
Pre-historic. “The Walk Test”
CAVE WOMAN [GRUNTS AND MIMING]
While the Cave Woman grunts, the translation should be projected (or The Playwright may speak the translation): “A woman’s vaginal opening increases after sex, making her walk a little broader. So Lauren, walk from one side of the cave to the other. Come on now! Don’t be shy.”
The Crying Virgin walks across the stage.
~
Greek Times. “The Nipple Test” 37.
While the Man in Toga speaks in ANCIENT GREEK, the translation should be projected (or The Playwright may speak the translation): “Virgins have teats both small and pink that are upwards facing. Let us look thoroughly at those of yours.”
MAN IN TOGA (transliterated from Ancient Greek) Hai par-THEN-oi E-kousi thee-LAS MI-kras te leu-ko-ROD-ias e-pa-na-kup-TOV-tas. Ace-or-OHmen tas soo.
The Man in Toga feels The Crying Virgin up.
~
Roman times. “The Wild Animal Test”
While the Roman Soldier speaks in LATIN, the translation should be projected (or The Playwright may speak the translation): “A virgin is able to soothe ferocious beasts. Therefore we will free a lion in this room so that we may observe your fate.”
ROMAN SOLDIER Virgo feroces animales lenire potest. Ergo in cubiculo leonem liberabimus ut videamus tuam sortem.
A Lion roars. The Lion attacks The Crying Virgin.
~
Medieval times. “The Pee Test”
MIDWIFE If thou art a trueth virgin Clear and lucid be thy urine. It may sparkle, it may be white If muddy, well, so be your plight. So please dear, pee in this cup.
The Crying Virgin pees in the cup. 38.
~
Medieval times. “The Water Test”
LADY-IN-WAITING Virgins can holdeth running water in their pure and virginal hands. Leaky sieve, leaky bladder. And leaky bladder, Sullied maiden. So. Here thou goest!
She hands The Crying Virgin a Sieve. She pours water into it.
~
Medieval Times. “The Gossip Test”
TOWN BUSY BODY A virgin is quiet, demure. A talkative, gossipy woman is synonymous with loose morals. After all, if you easily open one orifice, won’t you open them all?
~
Medieval Times. “The Bee Test”
BEE KEEPER A Virgin can walketh through a swarm of bees without being stung. Shall we, m’lady?
The Bee Keeper unleashes a swarm of bees. They swarm around The Crying Virgin.
~
Civil War Era. Rural American South. “The Earwax Test”
SOUTHERN MAN (southern accent) Now I’m gonna take some of my earwax, right here on my fingertip, and press it yonder against your vulva. If you cry out, you’re a virgin - since you will burn at the touch of any secretion from the body of a man. Ready now?
Southern Man sticks his finger in his ear.
~ 39.
Present. Modern times. “The two-finger test.”
DOCTOR Now this is called the “two-finger test.” I am going to attempt to insert two of my fingers into your genitlia to examine the laxity of the vaginal muscles and measure the size of your introitus to determine your habituation to sexual intercourse. If you are not a virgin, it won’t hurt a bit. So we want this to hurt, right? Ok, here we go. One, two/
The Doctor violates The Crying Virgin. She screams - a big cumulative scream that rings through the ages.
7: A TRIO OF LAURENS, PT. 2
The Bachelor Mansion. Cocktail party #3.
LAUREN D Did you get to talk to him?
LAUREN S Yeah.
LAUREN B And??
LAUREN S I need another margarita. Like now. (to the invisible producers) Can I get another margarita?
LAUREN D That bad?
LAUREN S Well, first of all, I think he confused us again.
LAUREN D Noooo
LAUREN S Yup. He asked me about Grayson. 40.
LAUREN B / Ohmygod!
LAUREN D Why couldn’t my parents have named me Yvette? There aren’t any other Yvette’s in the house.
LAUREN S And then... I told him. LAUREN B LAUREN D Ohmygodohmygod / ohmygod! Ohmygod what / did he say?
LAUREN S I really think he was freaked out. He was freaked / out.
LAUREN B NO!/
LAUREN S Because like for the first time ever he didn’t kiss me.
LAUREN D Because he wanted to respect you.
LAUREN S I don’t want to be respected that much! I don’t want him to be like freaked the / fuck out.
PRODUCER (acting as the network, bleeping out the swear words) BLEEEEEEEP
LAUREN B Ohmygod you’re fine. You’re totally fine.
LAUREN D Yeah, he’s looking for his WIFE.
LAUREN S No I know, I thought that would be a good / thing.
LAUREN D Yeah, it’s a good thing. 41.
LAUREN B Ohmygod it’s such a good thing.
LAUREN S I’m so ashamed! Do you think I should go talk to him again?
LAUREN B Up to you babe, but like I think you’re fine
LAUREN S No no I’m going to go back Cause like I won’t be able to just sit here for the next four days until I get to see him again, so And besides more screen time, right? Ok, wish me luck!
The Playwright helps Lauren S put back on the hoop skirt. Lauren S steps onto the pedestal.
8: THE OLDEN TIMES WHEN VIRGINS WERE THE ONES THAT WERE PUT ON A PEDESTAL, PT. 2
Lauren of S once again stands on a tall pedestal in full on restoration/Shakespeare/etc-garb. She twirls and twirls and twirls and twirls and twirls.
Then CHADWORTH enters. He offers her his hand and gently leads her off the pedestal. When she steps onto the floor, Chadworth shoves her to the ground. (They speak the iambic pentameter in British accents.)
LAUREN OF S Why have you used me so, Chadworth? Wherefore?
CHADWORTH You are a whore, Lauren of S, a whore!
LAUREN OF S Whatever did I do to earn your scorn? 42.
CHADWORTH Like you don’t know, you ungrateful lowborn.
LAUREN OF S I don’t! Last night with you was such a treat.
CHADWORTH Dear girl, there was no blood there on your sheet. This morning I had the servant boy look.
LAUREN OF S No please, my Lord, I’ll swear on this Prayer Book. On hand and on knee I’ll beg on the floor,
CHADWORTH Well now you’re no more than a crying whore.
LAUREN OF S My husband, Sir, I’d never lie to you I’m chaste! I’m not a liar or a shrew.
CHADWORTH I’ve half a mind to lock you in the tower.
LAUREN OF S Until last night I was a delicate flower.
CHADWORTH The sheets speak truth that you cannot confess I’ll leave you be for I am in distress.
LAUREN OF S Please, on the pedestal, put me once more For you, I’ll twirl and twirl/
CHADWORTH You lying whore!
Chadworth spits at her.
CHADWORTH You think I still want to look up at you? From now on girl you’ll just be a bad screw. 43.
Lauren of S cries in rhythm with the iambic pentameter.
END OF ACT TWO. 44.
ACT THREE
1: HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY, PT. 2
The Playwright sticks a microphone in Lauren D’s face. A weird oversaturated spotlight. The occasional click of a camera.
LAUREN D I waited for marriage. I know that’s maybe not as exciting as some of the other ladies’ answers, but... I grew up really Christian. I married my boyfriend Brad in college. Like five months after we met? We met at Church, and that was just common, you know, in our community. I had this idea that my wedding night would be like golden harps and cherubs singing and flying rainbows. But spoiler alert: I was so nervous I just couldn’t get (wet). Because I was really scared, like even though I was married, that somehow it was wrong? Like somehow I thought I would wake up the next morning and God would just know? And I’d be dirty, no like I’d literally be covered in dirt. I got pregnant almost right away. I felt so, so blessed. And Grayson is perfect obviously, so so perfect. Brad and I got divorced shortly after he was born. It just wasn’t... we didn’t know each other that well? And I can’t help but think that God is maybe more mad at me now than He would have been if I had had pre-marital [sex]. That’s just a thought. A thought for a bad day. But yeah, I have perfect, perfect Grayson now, so obviously no regrets.
2: MEN TALKING ABOUT GIRLS
Chad sits down with Lauren S’ father on their hometown date.
FATHER Chad.
CHAD Mr. S.
They shake hands. It’s a manly handshake.
FATHER Good handshake. 45.
CHAD I passed the test?
FATHER Not yet.
CHAD Fair enough.
FATHER Sit, sit.
They sit.
FATHER So. How has it been for you so far? 28 women. I mean, that must be nice?
CHAD You know, that’s what everyone told me. 28 women, like that’s the dream. But it’s actually quite stressful. I’m trying to find my wife.
FATHER And Lauren’s not the only one left, right? There are three other girls?
CHAD Yes. But there are 25 other women that I sent home because I saw something in Lauren S that I absolutely loved. I’m falling for her. And I know she’s your little girl.
FATHER Yes. She may be 27, but she’s still my little girl. She means the world to me. Oh here you are my sweet little girl.
The Playwright leads Lauren S out on a leash, attached to a collar around her throat. Lauren S is on hands and knees, dressed like a dog, panting. She struggles against the leash. The Playwright hands the leash to Lauren S’ Father.
FATHER So you believe this process can work?
CHAD Yes. I was skeptical when I went on The Bachelorette, but it’s real. And I mean, I was engaged last season to Rebecca. I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. So when she ended that, to go with the runner-up, it... well, it broke my heart. 46.
Father throws a ball. Lauren S fetches it.
CHAD But I’m ready to settle down. And marriage for me is a life-long commitment. My parents have been married for 33 years.
FATHER Well that’s good to hear. Because, you know, I see Lauren’s face, and I can tell she’s falling for you too.
CHAD I want you to know that I would protect her and take care of her. So if it is us at the end, I’d really like to get your blessing, uh... man to man.
FATHER Go fetch, girl!
Father throws the ball again. Lauren S fetches it.
FATHER Are you asking for permission to marry my daughter?
CHAD If it comes to that, yes sir, I am.
FATHER Well. You know. I trust her. So if it’s her at the end, and if that’s what she wants, then, you know, yes, I’d be proud to welcome you to the family.
CHAD Thank you, really. That means a lot.
Father hands Chad the leash. Lauren S crawls over to Chad.
FATHER But if you hurt her, I can find you on google.
CHAD (laughing) I’m laughing, but I’m a little scared. 47.
FATHER (laughing) Good, you should be.
Father pats Chad on the back. They laugh.
FATHER Is it time to poop, hon? Poop for Daddy.
Lauren S takes a shit onstage. Chad takes a baggie and wipes it up.
3: A TRIO OF LAURENS, PT. 3
Lauren D and Lauren B are getting dressed for the final cocktail party. They’re in the bathroom, putting on make-up. It’s really glamorous and sexy - like something out of a magazine.
LAUREN B How’d it go with Grayson?
LAUREN D Ohmygod Grayson looooved him!
LAUREN B Do you think it went well at Lauren P’s hometown?
LAUREN D Probably that / bitch.
PRODUCER BLEEEEEEEP.
Lauren S enters.
LAUREN S Does my contour look ok?
LAUREN D You literally look / fucking 48.
PRODUCER BLEEEEEEEP.
LAUREN D -perfect always shut up.
LAUREN B Seriously.
LAUREN D PRODUCER Shit- BLEEP.
LAUREN D It’s time for the rose ceremony.
LAUREN B Ok. One last look?
They smile and pose in front of the mirror.
~
The Trio of Laurens freeze, in their super- flattering pose of course.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Sorry I just have to chime in here again. Ok, these are all BEAUTIFUL Women. Like GORGEOUS, right? Like on a scale of one to ten, they’re all like a ten and I’m like a 3, 4 on a good day maybe. But still. You didn’t get to see the hours and hours they spent in this bathroom. All the things they did to make themselves look “sexy” or whatever for Chad. For a man. I wish the show would just let us see what happens before the cocktail party... You know what? Sorry, do you...
The Playwright whispers in Producer’s ear.
PRODUCER No! This is what people like to see.
THE PLAYWRIGHT We need to show REAL people. You just make these impossible standards of beauty and it’s massively, like monumentally fucked / up. 49.
PRODUCER BLEE / EEP.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Oh stop it.
PRODUCER No. That’s not how this is supposed to work! I’m supposed to run this, you’re just supposed to, / like
THE PLAYWRIGHT Fix it. NOW!
The Producer, like a robot, obeys The Playwright’s request. He moves the trio of Laurens into unflattering poses.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Ok, um. We’re gonna rewind and do this version. Unedited.
~
The Laurens unfreeze. They rewind. Now as they get ready, it’s not so glamorous or sexy.
They’re scrutinizing themselves in the mirror.
LAUREN B Ugh I’m breaking out so bad.
LAUREN S Ugh me too. And I made the mistake of popping one this morning and now it’s like a giant red alien on my face.
LAUREN D Ugh I haaaaaate my hips.
LAUREN B Ohmygod STOP.
LAUREN D No seriously. I have these like massive, like child-bearing hips Because I’ve literally born children from these hips 50.
LAUREN B They’re super / sexy
LAUREN S Yeah I wish I had your hips
LAUREN D Noooo you don’t It’s the Spanx. Look.
Lauren D takes off her Spanx.
LAUREN D See? Gross. Ohmygod I feel so much better. These things are like [suffocating]. Take yours off too.
Lauren B and Lauren S take off their Spanx.
LAUREN B Ohmygod.
LAUREN D So much better, right?
LAUREN B My butt smells weird. Like moldy olives. LAUREN D LAUREN S What? What? Ewww!
LAUREN B It does! Sorry, that’s my shame right now.
LAUREN D Everyone’s butt smells weird. Even Grayson’s beautiful baby butt smells weird.
LAUREN S Do you think Chad’s butt smells weird?
LAUREN B Duh. Have you seen how long he takes on his bathroom breaks? LAUREN D LAUREN S Ohmygod! Lauren!
LAUREN B I just think we should all like talk about our shame, you know. We just have to put it out there. 51.
LAUREN D Like Ra Ra?
LAUREN B No just like if we say what we’re ashamed of, we’ll feel less ashamed, you know? Like Lauren S, what are you ashamed of?
LAUREN S Oh. Ok. Um. Do you ever feel like? Never mind.
LAUREN B No, say it!/
LAUREN D Say / it!
LAUREN B Shame! Shame!/ LAUREN B LAUREN D Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!
LAUREN S Ok fine. Do you ever feel like your body just fails? Like it’s just set up for failure? LAUREN B LAUREN D ??? ???
LAUREN S Just like. It’s soft. It grows hair where it’s not supposed to.
LAUREN D Ohmygod yes my pits are so hairy
LAUREN B I need to shave my vajay so bad but I’m just like is that wishful thinking?
LAUREN D We still have another week till the fantasy suites, / babe. 52.
LAUREN B Ooh we should wax our legs!
The three of them apply waxing strips to their legs.
LAUREN S And it bleeds. It bleeds every month. Which is just a reminder that like ok body I get it, I’m still a stupid virgin!
LAUREN D Ohmygod it’s so much worse after you’re pregnant. You get like gross, crusty nipples.
LAUREN S LAUREN B Ewwwww! This one time I....
LAUREN D What?
LAUREN B Don’t make fun of me.
LAUREN S No shame zone. Remember?
LAUREN B OK. This one time I was with this guy and we were... you know, fucking. And it was ugh. It was terrible. So after he came, he rolled over, went to sleep, whatever. I started masturbating. And I squirted all over. Like, all over. He woke up, and he was like ughhhh why are the sheets all wet? I told him he had peed himself. LAUREN D LAUREN S Ohmygod, stop! Lauren!
LAUREN B What? He had drunken a lot of beer the night before?
LAUREN S Do you ever... cry when you cum?
LAUREN B What? No! That’s so weird.
LAUREN S I thought we were airing our shame so that it’s LESS shameful? 53.
LAUREN B You’re right you’re right, I mean wow that’s so beautiful?
LAUREN D Fuck. I’m like ashamed about my shame. That I can’t just like look in the mirror and just like love myself. Love my beautiful, womanly body that Literally births babies.
LAUREN B Love my Niagara Falls of a vagina.
LAUREN S I’m ashamed that I can’t just be like fuck yeah anything you can do I can do bleeding
LAUREN B Fuck. I’m ashamed that I feel shame.
LAUREN D I’m ashamed that I’m ashamed.
LAUREN S I’m ashamed that I’m ashamed.
A beat. They sit in their shame. It sucks.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Whew! Good! We never get to see that side of these women on TV. Doesn’t that make you feel better? I feel better?
They pull off their waxing strips. The Playwright pulls off Lauren S’.
LAUREN B LAUREN D Ow!!!! Fuuuuuuuuuck God.
LAUREN S Oh shit I’m bleeding. 54.
4: TO FANTASY SUITE OR NOT TO FANTASY SUITE?
Hours later. Right after the rose ceremony. Lauren S is holding a long-stemmed rose and talking to the camera. It’s her “in the moment.”
LAUREN S (sing-songy) I got a rose! I got a rose! Ahhhh I’m so excited! Hometown dates went so well, and this rose means that he feels the same way, I think. But uhhh next week is the fantasy suites. And if I’m being honest, I’m freaking out. Because when most guys that I’m interested in find out that I’m a virgin, they’re like I’m out, this is the last time I’ll see you. There was this one time recently where I almost... But basically his dick went soft. Like we were about to do it - I really really liked him. And I told him, and just [dick going soft gesture]. And that’s not the first time, so- (she starts to cry) What’s wrong with me? Like am I the like man-repellant? Is it my choice that I’m a virgin or am I a virgin because no guy would ever want to come near me? I thought if I went on this show, with all the lighting and the make-up and the... but maybe I’m just meant to be alone.. Like no one will ever love me? Or will I only really be seen, like really loved, once I do it? Is that what it takes? (she composes herself) Anyway. Can you just cut that? Sorry, that got WAY too real. Ugh. I’ll give you something a little more [Happy? Funny? Snappy?] Ok. Woo! Final Three! Here I am, bitchez. Powpowpowpowpow. It’s time for the Virgin to take on the Fantasy Suite.***
*The twitter “yoohoo” sounds return. They come to a climax and explode.
5: THE FANTASY SUITE
The “fantasy” suite. Lauren S and Chad and a bed. Is this what really happened?
LAUREN S I never thought that the first time I’d spend the night with a man I’d be in a castle.
CHAD Yeah, not your everyday sleepover. 55.
LAUREN S And the cameras are off.
CHAD They are.
LAUREN S It feels weird, I don’t know.
CHAD FREEDOM!
LAUREN S Yeah ha.
Chad kisses Lauren. They start to go horizontal in their kiss, but then Lauren pulls away.
LAUREN S So, um. I just want to reiterate what I said when you gave me the fantasy suite card. I’m not sure I’m ready to... I mean, I’m falling for you. I just, I want to know that it’s me at the end. I’ve been waiting a long time for this, and I just don’t want to rush into something now, if it’s not...
CHAD I completely understand. Hey, really. This is just a time for us to get to know each other without the cameras, see if this could work in the real world. There are no expectations.
LAUREN S Good, yeah. Thank you.
CHAD We can just pig out and talk all night.
LAUREN S Ok... yeah.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Ok rewind.
They freeze. 56.
THE PLAYWRIGHT This might be what Lauren S says happened in the fantasy suite, but I mean, there were no cameras, right? Anything could have happened. And do we even really know these people? I mean Chad could be like:
~
CHAD What’s your credit score?
LAUREN S What?
CHAD I brought a checklist. Like a pre-engagement checklist. What’s your credit score?
LAUREN S Oh. I think it’s like 670?
CHAD Ok. What are your religious practices? Do you want to raise your children with religion?
LAUREN S Um/
CHAD What are your schooling plans for potential future offspring?
LAUREN S Oh, I hadn’t really thought / about it
CHAD Do you want to live in the city or the suburbs? How long do you want to take off for maternity leave? How should household chores be divided? What’s your ten-year plan?
THE PLAYWRIGHT Or maybe:
~
Chad stands in front of a mirror. He’s doing body rolls. He’s watching himself do body rolls. 57.
LAUREN S Uh. Chad? What are you...?
CHAD Just a sec.
He continues doing body rolls.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Or even:
~
LAUREN S Can we just... I haven’t gotten any news in like a month. Can we just watch the election results?
CHAD Oh. I mean, I guess?
LAUREN S Thanks, yeah. It’s a really tight Congressional race in Dallas.
Lauren S turns on the TV.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Nah, probably not. But maybe! Or maybe:
~
Chad and Lauren are standing on the bed, holding imaginary microphones. They’re rocking out to Shania Twain.
LAUREN S (singing) The best thing about being a woman Is the prerogative to have a little fun and
CHAD (singing) Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy, forget I’m a lady Men’s shirts, short skirts 58.
LAUREN S (singing) Oh, oh, oh, really go wild yeah,
CHAD (singing) Doin’ it in style
LAUREN S AND CHAD (singing) Oh, oh, oh, get in the action, feel the attraction Color my hair, do what I dare Oh, oh, oh, I want to be free yeah, to feel the way I feel Man! / I feel like a woman!
THE PLAYWRIGHT (singing) I feel like a woman! (speaking) Oooh I hope that’s what happened! Or maybe:
~
Chad is crying in Lauren S’ arms.
CHAD And it’s just so hard, y’know? There’s all this pressure. Like I’m The Bachelor. I have to have perfect hair and perfect abs and perfect teeth. You know they film me in the shower every morning? Literally every morning. Like scrubbing myself. I just want a MINUTE alone./
LAUREN S Shhh, shhh, / It’s ok
CHAD God I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. I can’t even hear myself think anymore.
He falls asleep in her lap.
THE PLAYWRIGHT K. You know what? Let’s just try this version.
~ 59.
CHAD I see you, Lauren, like I really See you. I value you. And I just want to know everything about you. What makes you you. Because I... love you. You’re the one. You’re it. I’m so in love with you.
The Playwright pushes Lauren S out of bed and climbs in. She starts kissing Chad.
CHAD Wait. What about Lauren?
The Playwright ignores him and pushes his head down. Chad starts going down on her. Mid- cunnilingus, the Bigshot Hotshot sees what’s happening and enters the space.
BIGSHOT HOTSHOT What are you doing?
THE PLAYWRIGHT She’s a virgin, I get it. She doesn’t have to do it. But I mean, someone should have sex in the fantasy suite. Did you hear him?
BIGSHOT HOTSHOT But this was her fantasy. You don’t belong on this show! You don’t belong here/
The Playwright snaps her fingers, turning the lights out on the Bigshot. She begins to moan.
She has to stop mid-act (ugh!) to go into the next scene.
6: HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY, PT. 3
The Playwright sticks a microphone in Lauren B’s face. A weird oversaturated spotlight. The occasional click of a camera.
LAUREN B I was at this lame basement party in high school. I was sixteen. This kid Jordan, his parents were out of town. And we were all like listening to Usher in his basement and drinking beer. It was Stella Artois, I remember, and I was like shit this kid is cultured. He drinks fancy french beer. 60.
And we were playing Never Have I Ever and Truth or Dare, all those stupid high school party games. And I remember lying. Just flat-out lying that I had done things that I hadn’t actually done. Like I lied that I gave a guy a blow job in the bathroom at Chili’s? They were really elaborate lies too, like super detailed. I lied that I had slept with my boyfriend at sleepaway camp who proposed to me afterwards because the sex was just so mind- blowing? And I lied that I was like chill dude, don’t get your panties in a twist? I don’t know. I guess guys had never really looked at me like I was fuckable. I was just like oh the nice girl they grew up with, the cool girl they could get high and watch MTV with. And the girls, too, when I lied, they were all looking at me like I was a grown-up or something, with these like big open eyes. So when people were starting to file out, Jordan grabbed me by the wrist and asked me if I wanted to see the DVD collection in his bedroom. I said ok - thinking I had to follow through, you know, on the reputation I had been building for myself all evening. I didn’t know this was coming, I guess I should have known this was coming. So I climb the stairs and I’m trying to remember a youtube video I watched about how to give a blow job - in case that was called for. I didn’t know what would be called for in these kinds of situations. And I’m like imagining going down on his shaft, lips over teeth, as I’m climbing the stairs. And we get to his bedroom and immediately it’s like sloppy tongue, not even trying to pretend he wanted to show me his DVDs. I remember he stripped down to his boxers. They were plaid green. And then uh he was inside me, and I was biting down on my arm to stop myself from screaming - because I had to pretend I had done this before. He thought that was hot. Even though it was so painful. Like it was so painful. And afterwards, I remember he asked, was I as good as the last guy? And I just slid back on my underwear, and tried to look sexy. The condom was still stuck in me, and it was like bloody. So I just took it out and stuffed the bloody cum bag in my pocket and said, “Better. You were better than the last guy.” When I got home that night, past curfew, my Mom was furious. So I stormed up to my bedroom and I remember I had those glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling from when I was, like, six. I just stared at them, counted them over and over again. And I cried. Like I’ll-never-be-able-to-fall-asleep-again cried. Because I realized that up until that point, my body had been mine. Just mine.
END OF ACT THREE. 61.
ACT FOUR
1: I’M A BARBIE GIRL IN A BARBIE WORLD
Lauren S and Chad sit on a bench.
CHAD I’ve had the most amazing time with you in Ireland.
LAUREN S Oh me too. Chad, I’m so in love with you. I am. ... What? What’s wrong?
CHAD No, I’ve just... I’ve really grown to care about you and respect you. And thinking about last night - and this has NOTHING to do with the fact that we didn’t... I want you to know that. But I just don’t know if I can reciprocate those feelings.
LAUREN S W...What?
CHAD I’m so sorry. I tried to get there with you, but my other relationships are just farther along.
LAUREN S Are you... are you breaking up with me? I can’t believe this.
CHAD I’m so sorry, Lauren.
LAUREN S SISTER Wait. Seriously? Wait. Seriously?
Lauren S and Chad freeze. We see that they’re being moved by The Playwright and her SISTER. They’re playing with Barbies.
SISTER I thought we were supposed to do the hot tub date. 62.
THE PLAYWRIGHT We will, we will. I just wanted to try something different.
SISTER I don’t want Glitter Hair Barbie and Ken to break up!
THE PLAYWRIGHT It’s Chad and Lauren.
SISTER I don’t like your stupid names.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Then you come up with the story!
SISTER You... you LIED to me.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Oh come on, don’t be a / baby!
SISTER Why do you always have to make everything end sad?
THE PLAYWRIGHT I don’t make / everything
SISTER Do you like being mean to me?
THE PLAYWRIGHT No, I wasn’t trying to/
SISTER Do you like watching me cry?
THE PLAYWRIGHT No, of course not. I just...
SISTER What? 63.
THE PLAYWRIGHT I thought it would make for a better story. Carrie told me at school that romance is for sissies.
SISTER You’re mean. It always has to be your story, your game. I made the hot tub and everything.
Sister pulls out a tupperware filled with water.
THE PLAYWRIGHT She said that guys don’t like girls who want attention all the time. Glitter hair barbie wanted too much attention.
SISTER You wanted attention. You always do this! You ruined the game. I’m telling Mom!
THE PLAYWRIGHT No! Don’t!
SISTER (running offstage) Mom! Mom!
Sister exits.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Fine. I’ll just play both of them.
Lauren S and Chad mouth the words that The Playwright now says as them.
THE PLAYWRIGHT (as Lauren) It’s just so hard to keep it together and I want so bad to keep it together. (as Chad, fake deep voice) I’m sorry, Lauren. (as Lauren) How...am....I....supposed...to...find...another....YOU????
The Playwright makes Lauren S sob.
THE PLAYWRIGHT (as Lauren) Can we have just, just one more kiss? Before we go? 64.
The Playwright smashes the “barbies” together again, simulating sex. It gets more and more intense. The Asshole barbie is mauling The Crying Virgin barbie. The Crying Virgin barbie’s arm falls off.
2: INSTAGRAM AD, PT. 1
Lauren S is shooting a selfie instagram story, promoting @skinnytummyyummydrink.
LAUREN S Hi fam. I’m not sure if you guys know this but I LOVE chocolate. But I’ve been trying to cut back lately for bikini season so I’ve been LIVING for @skinnytummyyumydrink’s new chocolate flavor. This drink gives me energy ALL day. It also really helps keep my bloating down, and suppresses my appetite, which is great. So use my code SKINNYS to get 20% off your first shipment. And remember to LIKE this post and follow me here and on twitter. I love getting to chat with all my fans! #ad #bikiniseason #isitsummeryet #ilovechocolate #iloveyou Ok, bye fam!
3: HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY, PT. 4
The Playwright sticks a microphone in Chad, Boyfriend, and Chris Harrison’s faces. A weird oversaturated spotlight. The occasional click of a camera.
CHAD I was fifteen, at some random party, drinking with some friends.
BOYFRIEND It was the summer after I graduated high school, like the week before I left for college.
CHRIS HARRISON I’d rather, uh... I’d rather not. If that’s ok? It wasn’t really... Yeah, I’d rather not.
CHAD This girl - Lucy - she was my friend’s older sister, actually? And she was hot. Like super hot. And a Senior. I was just, like, [in awe]. 65.
BOYFRIEND It was with my high school girlfriend, Sarah.We had been friends since we were kids. And there had been lots of kissing and, you know, heavy [petting]. But finally we decided the time was right. And yeah.
THE PLAYWRIGHT That’s it?
CHAD I mean, yeah. Do you want like the play by play?
THE PLAYWRIGHT Yes! That’s why I’m... The women had to do it. And they just told their stories, like they’re used to being asked for that. It’s not fair that women are always being put on the / spot and
CHAD Fine, fine, chill. Um. We were in the hot tub, and she just started playing with me, playing with my... And I’m like, in my head, your brother’s right there? So we go up to her room. And I was like pee- my-pants scared. So I told her I wasn’t a virgin. That it wasn’t my first time.
BOYFRIEND Sarah and I were each others’ first everything. Like first kiss, first relationship, first everything. And we were both like National Merit Scholars, like type-A, perfectionist super nerds. So we planned it for WEEKS. I’m not kidding. We picked the location and the time of day (3pm in my videogame room). We put towels down on the floor, in case... I mean, real romance, right?
The Playwright nudges them on.
CHAD Ok jeez. She takes out a condom and I’ve never used one before, but obviously I don’t want her to know that. So I’m like trying to kiss her neck and trying to put the damn thing on. I break the first one. Break the second one. So I’m like trying to read the instructions and just panicking. And when I finally get it on... I last like thirty seconds. Maybe. And she starts laughing at me. I apologize like over and over again. She just laughs. I finally admit to her that I wasn’t a... and she’s like Duh. Duh. 66.
BOYFRIEND It was... well, honestly the mechanics of it were just... you know. But Sarah was great. We laughed through the awkward bits and held each other afterwards. Nothing special, I guess. But it was, uh. No, it was special.
CHRIS HARRISON Fine. I was 29, ok? There. I said it.
The Playwright starts laughing.
THE PLAYWRIGHT Duh.
She can’t stop laughing. Chris Harrison’s face colors with SHAME.
CHRIS HARRISON Can you... can you just STOP the Clicking?
4: INSTAGRAM AD, PT. 2
Lauren S is shooting a selfie instagram story, promoting @fakeittillyoumakeit.
LAUREN S Hi fam. Ok so a lot of people have been asking me about where I get my lashes. And I’m super excited to introduce you to @fakeittillyoumakeit. You saw me crying A LOT during @TheStudFarmer’s season - I would not have survived without these lashes. So use the code CRYINGVIRGIN to get 15% off your first purchase. #ad #fakeittillyoumakeit #cryingvirgin #americasfavoritecrier P.S. I’m so grateful that I’m almost at a million followers! So if I can reach that milestone, it means that I can bring you more exclusive deals and just really connect with you all and give advice. So please remember to LIKE this post and follow me here and on twitter. It would mean the world to me! Ok, bye fam!
5: THE REAL YOU
An interview with E-News. We’re live with a studio audience, comprised of the Chorus. 67.
E-NEWS It’s been a year since sometimes fan-favorite, sometimes-villain, always a Virgin Lauren S appeared on Season 23 of The Bachelor. And we’re so lucky to have her here with us tonight! Thanks so much for joining us, Lauren S.
LAUREN S Of course, thanks for having me.
E-NEWS You’re not crying!
Laughter from the studio audience.
LAUREN S I’m not crying, look at that.
E-NEWS Well, just in case.
E-News puts five boxes of tissues in front of Lauren S. Laughter from the Studio Audience.
E-NEWS So how has life been post all this craziness?
LAUREN S You know, it’s been good, it’s been good. Moved to LA pretty much right after the show aired.
E-NEWS Right. So what’s keeping you busy these days? Now that you’re not on TV?
LAUREN S Well, as you may know, I started a make-up line called S.
E-NEWS I’m wearing TEAR-FREE S mascara right now!
LAUREN S Oh no way! Thanks so much. Yeah, so that’s been good, to kind of dive head first into this business. It’s been a dream of mine for a long time. And, you know, other than that, just hanging out with my friends, taking my dog Sadie on / walks. 68.
E-NEWS Ohmygosh she’s so cute. I totally follow Sadie’s instagram.
LAUREN S Oh gosh/
E-NEWS And I see you’ve become quite the social media influencer yourself. You have over a million instagram followers?
LAUREN S Yeah, it’s crazy!
E-NEWS I’m sure. So... it seems Chad and Lauren P have recently broken up.
LAUREN S Yes, I saw that.
E-NEWS I was so disappointed!
LAUREN S Yeah. The world of the show, you know, it’s very different from the real world. It’s a fairytale. And so when you step out of the fairytale, it can be really hard, I think.
E-NEWS I bet. So... speaking of fairytales... Is there a special someone in your life?
LAUREN S Oh, uh.
Lauren S gives a coy shrug.
E-NEWS I’ll take that as a yes. Well I hope I get to meet him soon. And I hope we’ll be the first to know!
LAUREN S Definitely.
E-NEWS So can I just, I’m gonna just dive right in. 69.
The rest of the Chorus slowly morph into Blood- Hungry Demons. They circle Lauren S, ravenous.
LAUREN S Ok...
E-NEWS You seem so normal, when I’m talking to you now.
LAUREN S Ha! That’s good/
E-NEWS But on the show you seemed so... you know. The Crying Virgin. Is this the real you? Or was that the real you?
LAUREN S Oh, uh... Both? I guess?
E-NEWS I’m sure I’m not alone in asking. I know America wants to know. Which ‘you’ is the real you?
E-News joins the Chorus of Blood-Hungry Demons. They join in the circling of Lauren S.
LAUREN S I’m, uh, I’m the same person.
E-NEWS Come on
LAUREN S I’m / serious
E-NEWS WILL WE EVER KNOW THE REAL YOU?
ALL WILL WE EVER KNOW THE REAL YOU? WILL WE EVER KNOW THE REAL YOU? WILL WE EVER KNOW THE REAL YOU? WILL WE EVER KNOW THE REAL YOU? WILL WE EVER KNOW THE REAL YOU? 70.
The Chorus jumps on Lauren S. They start devouring her. Like a pack of dogs or wolves. They tear off her clothing. There’s blood everywhere. We see blood on their faces, in their teeth. It’s insanely animalistic, even bacchanalian.
The playwright watches gleefully.
6: INSTAGRAM AD, PT. 3
As The Playwright continues to watch:
Lauren S emerges from the pack, covered in blood and half-clothed.
Lauren S is shooting a selfie instagram story, promoting @myhymen.
LAUREN S Hi fam. I’ve really been feeling the love from you all lately. So as a kind of thanks, I’m excited to let you all know about a special offer I have for you all to buy @myhymen. For those of you who don’t know, the hymen is a membrane that surrounds or partially covers the external vaginal opening. It forms part of the vulva, and traditionally has a crescent- shape, but guess mine? [Winky face] So now for a limited time, if you like my instagram and leave a nice comment, you can be in the running to buy mine and see whether or not I really am a #virgin. So swipe up for more details and be sure to comment! #ad #hymenforsale #buymyhymen #buymybody #buyme #buyme #buyme #buyme #
LAUREN S PLAYWRIGHT LOVEME! LOVEME!
7: SHAME SPIRAL, PT. 2
Continuous. The Playwright moans.
This is what really happened between The Playwright and Boyfriend. No dramatic music. The UnEdited Version.
Strobe/ambiguous lighting. 71.
We kind of see The Playwright being whipped with a flogger. Harder, then harder, then harder.
BOYFRIEND (VOICE) You want it harder, Bitch?
THE PLAYWRIGHT Yes, Sir.
BOYFRIEND (VOICE) Is this what you asked for? This is what gets you going?
THE PLAYWRIGHT Sir/
BOYFRIEND (VOICE) You like being punished, huh? You should be ashamed of yourself.
He spits at her.
While we hear The Playwright moaning (is it pleasurable?), we see her face: in total agony. She fakes an orgasm, but it kind of sounds like something inside her is dying.
Lights up.
The Playwright lies on BOYFRIEND’s bed. She wears his shirt. She fidgets with his shirt. Boyfriend’s in the bathroom, offstage.
The Playwright is COMPLETELY covered in bruises and scratches. Her body looks totally disheveled. She winces in pain. She has been utterly humiliated. The sheets are bloody. There are condoms everywhere. At first they might look like rose petals, but they’re not. The Bed is FULL of Bloody Condoms. The Playwright’s on the verge of tears.
THE PLAYWRIGHT That was like, like one for the ages, babe. Out of nowhere BAM and I’m like I can’t feel my limbs. Am I still in my body? 72.
Boyfriend re-enters. He kisses The Playwright. She recoils.
BOYFRIEND Glad it was good, babe.
He gets into bed with her.
BOYFRIEND You sure I wasn’t too...?/
THE PLAYWRIGHT No, it was... Just what I wanted.
8: HOW I LOST MY VIRGINITY, PT. 5
The Playwright - who is still covered in blood and bruises- sticks a microphone in Lauren S’ face. Lauren S is also still covered in blood and bruises. A weird oversaturated spotlight. The occasional click of a camera.
LAUREN S I know what everyone’s million dollar question is - am I still a virgin? Have I or have I not? But I will never ever say yes or no to that question. I’m with Ben now. And just because I’ve been public about it in the past, doesn’t mean that I can’t make something private once somebody else is associated in that topic of my life. The End.
END OF ACT FOUR. 73.
ACT FIVE
1: LAUREN S IS HAPPY LEAVE HER ALONE
Everything is Shiny and Perfect again. No more blood, no more bruises.
A corner table at Starbucks. This should be the most naturalistic scene in the play, both in set and tone.
ALI Lauren, hi.
LAUREN S Hey. Ali, right?
ALI Yes. Thanks so much for meeting me.
LAUREN S Of course.
ALI Oh! And congratulations on the engagement!
LAUREN S Oh thank you.
ALI Can I see the [ring]?
Lauren S shows Ali her engagement ring.
ALI Wow. Nice job, Ben.
LAUREN S Right? I’m super lucky.
ALI You know, I read so much in Bachelor World about fans sliding into peoples’ DM’s. But I’d never actually done that, for all my years of watching the show, I never actually did it. 74.
Until you. And I was like no waaaay is she ever going to respond. But you did!
LAUREN S I don’t often get “so I want to write a play about you” so...
ALI Yeah ha I bet
LAUREN S These days it’s mostly people asking me if I’m still a virgin.
ALI Don’t worry that is NOT a question I’m going to ask you.
LAUREN S Good yeah.
BARISTA Lauren Shannon. I have your venti iced nonfat vanilla latte on the bar.
LAUREN S One sec.
Lauren S goes up to the bar to grab her drink. When she returns:
LAUREN S So you’re a playwright?
ALI I am.
LAUREN S Would I know any of your plays?
ALI Do you know “A Streetcar Named Desire?”
LAUREN S Oh yeah! I think I’ve / heard of that 75.
ALI No I’m messing with you. Sorry, bad joke.
LAUREN S (laughing) Yeah ha I was like oh ok?
ALI But yeah no you probably haven’t seen any of my stuff. Do you see a lot of theater?
LAUREN S Not as much as I want to, of course. But I love theater, seriously. I saw Hamilton last year, and that was / just
ALI So good!/
LAUREN S So good, yeah! Whenever I’ve gotten to go, I’m just like this is so amazing I should do this more often.
ALI Yes! So anyway I don’t typically write musicals.
LAUREN S Right.
ALI So this would just be a play.
LAUREN S That’s cool. Much more serious.
ALI Ha yeah. Although I hope this will be a comedy?
LAUREN S Oh cool So when you say the play is about me, like, what do you mean exactly?
ALI Yeah good question Um. As I said, I’ve been a huge fan of the franchise for a long time. 76.
And of you of course, specifically. I remember with Chad’s season I was like ok I love this person and also I feel like she’s getting a really, uh, dramatic edit
LAUREN S To say the least
ALI Yeah ha And I remember just like lurking on twitter and seeing all these people that had opinions/
LAUREN S LOTS of opinions/
ALI Yup. About you and, uh, your... virginity And just like how your body became like up for public debate? How, you know, women’s bodies, just by existing they’re like tried in the court of public opinion So I thought oh that’s a play.
LAUREN S So it’s about like the internet’s response to my Bachelor journey?
ALI Yeah, exactly. Like we all can look in the mirror and see our insecurities. Like I can say ugh I hate my thighs or whatever. But no one else is going to tell me how much they hate my thighs. But you have the whole internet like commenting on your body, DAILY.
LAUREN S Yeah, wow. That’s a... that’s a really cool idea.
ALI Oh thanks, yeah.
LAUREN S This is super embarrassing, but... this morning I posted a selfie. I don’t know. I had just gotten my hair cut and I was feeling, like, pretty or whatever. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.
ALI / No, it’s 77.
LAUREN S And it was immediately like one comment after the other. “Damn you’re looking old” and “oink oink you’re a pig, you should be anorexic.”
ALI Oh my god! That’s awful.
LAUREN S Yeah. That’s like every morning and usually it’s whatever. But today I don’t know. I just full on sobbed in the car. Like I was stuck in traffic and just bawling my eyes out.
ALI Wow. I’m so sorry. Do you mind if I write this down?
Ali grabs a notebook out of her bag.
LAUREN S Oh. Um. Actually, that was just...
Ali’s writing furiously. A beat.
LAUREN S For the play. Will you, um, use my name?
ALI I mean, not if you don’t want me to, of course.
LAUREN S Ok... Can I read it?
ALI Yeah yeah of course.
LAUREN S Do you have a...?
ALI Oh yeah.
Ali hands Lauren the script. Lauren thumbs through it. 78.
ALI You obviously don’t have to read it now. You can get back to me or whatever. And I’m still making changes, obviously. (Or just flip to a random page.)
Lauren reads. After a while, she laughs.
ALI What?
LAUREN S The the rhyming thing, with Chadworth, that’s funny.
ALI Oh yeah thanks
Lauren keeps reading. Silence.
LAUREN S My Dad’s not like that.
ALI Yeah that’s just/
LAUREN S He would never treat me like a dog, or like his / property
ALI I know, that’s just... I’m just like [imagining]
LAUREN S That’s, that’s disgusting. I would never sell my hymen on instagram!
ALI No I know, that’s just like a commentary on Capitalism / and Exploitation and
LAUREN S Everyone that goes on the Bachelor does instagram ads. Everyone!
Lauren keeps flipping through the script.
ALI I know! I bought the skinny drink! It’s so good! I think you did / a really nice job 79.
LAUREN S You’re talking about my body. My body!
ALI I’m sorry... I can... I mean, I can take that part out? If you want.
Lauren S keeps reading. A long silence while she reads. Suuuuuuper long.
Lauren S hands the script back to Ali.
LAUREN S Don’t do it.
ALI What?
LAUREN S Please don’t do it. I’m sorry. Just like put it in a drawer or something.
ALI I mean...
LAUREN S I’m... I’m finally in control.
ALI I mean, we can talk about parts that you / don’t like or parts
LAUREN S There’s nothing in this that’s... It’s more bad editing. More producing. Of my story.
ALI I’m sorry. I didn’t mean / to
LAUREN S Why don’t you write plays about you? About your shame. Your body.
ALI The whole play is about my shame! / There’s lots about me in 80.
LAUREN S No it’s not. Not really. You’re really shaming me, shaming my friends, for your own weird obsession with our lives!
ALI No, I’m... I mean, you didn’t read the whole thing. If you keep reading, / you’ll see, like
LAUREN S I don’t need to read the whole thing to know / that you’re doing the same
ALI I just wanted to take this show that is all about like fake love and show the real side of it. You know, / the
LAUREN S But it was real. It actually happened. To me. I’m Real.
ALI I know, but/
LAUREN S I’m sorry, but I’m done letting someone else tell my story.
ALI I’m not / trying to
LAUREN S Letting other people use me to tell a story.
ALI ... At least your story was told.
LAUREN S What?
ALI You know Marieta, from season 21? She was a virgin too. But she was like never on- camera, so she only has 10,000 followers. And Tayshia made it to the final three last season and I literally couldn’t tell you one thing about her.
LAUREN S See? That’s the show! That’s the / producers 81.
ALI But you profit off of it! You got your make-up line and instagram sponsors and/
LAUREN S So what am I supposed to do?
ALI I’m just saying. At least you have a story.
LAUREN S Yeah, the Crying Virgin. Woohoo!
ALI You get to cry. America loves your tears. #Americasfavoritecrier, right?
LAUREN S That’s not / fair
ALI Oh my god don’t cry.
LAUREN S / I’m not!
ALI Everyone wants to be like you. No one wants to be like me or or Marieta or Tayshia or... You get the screen time.
LAUREN S So what? Lucky me?
ALI You are lucky. You’re so lucky. You should feel lucky.
LAUREN S You have no idea what it’s like / to be
ALI Of course I don’t. No one wants to put me on TV or or write a play about me. You should be grateful! I’ve spent months writing about you, about your/
LAUREN S No. My answer is no. You can’t do it.
Lauren S starts to walk away. 82.
ALI Wait!
Lauren S freezes. Ali turns Lauren S into a Barbie Doll. Ali talks as her. Lauren S mouths along.
ALI (as Lauren S) I’m just kidding. Ha ha. I get it now. Thank you. Thank you for writing this play, Ali! It’s great! You’re great! Let’s be best friends!
Ali makes the Lauren S Barbie hug her.
ALI We’ll hang out together all the time! We’ll go shopping together! And I’ll take you to all the cool parties and the red carpet events! You’ll be on TV! We’ll do interviews together! We’ll sell skinny tummy yummy drinks together! And go to the beach with our amazing bikini bods! You’ll be so skinny! People will worship your body! You’ll have men fighting over you! You’ll be the greatest playwright of all time! / You’ll be famous!
THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT You’ll be famous!
THE DESPERATE MILF You’ll be adored!
It’s turning into a SPECTACLE (all caps), like the beginning.
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR Your parents will be proud!
THE WIFEY Your future kids will be proud!
THE SLUT You’ll get your happy ending!
THE ASSHOLE You won’t die alone!
THE DESPERATE MILF You’ll finally be seen! 83.
THE CRYING VIRGIN Everyone will love you!
(If somehow the cast can get the audience to join in saying the following chant, that would be ideal. Ali’s ultimate goal is to win the audience’s love.)
ALL Everyone will love you! Everyone will love you! Everyone will love you! Everyone will love you! Everyone will love you! Everyone will love you! Everyone will love you!
END OF ACT FIVE. 84.
TAG
The cameras disappear. The SPECTACLE disappears. Everything disappears.
It’s just Ali, alone onstage.
ALI Um. So yeah. I love the Bachelor. I love the big, sweeping romantic gestures. I love the roses. I even love the proposals. I love that the last woman standing feels special, like she’s fought for love. That it’s something worth fighting for. That she finally feels seen. That’s the truth. That’s the real me. I shouldn’t have... I mean, I wanted to show you how disgusting I thought it all is, how disgusting I am for loving it all. I thought I deserved to be (punished). But. Well. Here it goes. The real me. It’s not just my love of The Bachelor that I feel shame about. I also feel shame about, For example: -Drinking Diet Coke -Liking YA novels -Liking Romance novels -Liking Romance -Biting my nails -Biting my nails so hard I had to go to the hospital because I bit a hole through the nail -Re-reading Harry Potter every year -Knowing the name (in order!) of every episode of all 7 seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer -Being a crazy fan girl, generally -How much I like french fries. But really. I really really like french fries. -How much I like ice cream -How much I like cookie dough -How much I like bread -How many times a day I weigh myself -How many times a week I used to make myself throw up -How I can’t parallel park -How my thighs spool out when I sit down -How much TV I watch. But really, I watch SO much TV. -How much coffee I need to feel awake -Lying to an ex about how outdoorsy I am -Lying to an ex about orgasming -Lying to an ex about how I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue -Lying to an ex about having seen Pulp Fiction -Not reading the news enough -Reading the news too much 85.
-Straightening my hair -Curling my hair -That I’m attracted to women -That I’m attracted to men -That I don’t find myself attractive -That sometimes when I wear a jumpsuit I find myself attractive -That other people find me attractive -That other people think because they find me attractive that they own me -That I let them own me -That I asked him to own me -That I didn’t scream -That I don’t drink as much water as I should -That I played Barbies until I was fourteen -That I wanted to make myself look like my Barbies -That I wanted to make myself look like her -That no one wants to tell my story -That this isn’t even really my story -That this isn’t even really my body -That I want to be seen -That I want to be loved -That I want to be loved more than others -That I shamed others so that you all would love me -That I showed you parts of myself that I hate in order for you to love those parts of myself -That it wasn’t enough -That I still can’t love those parts of myself ...... Ok. Uh... Back to you, Chris Harrison?
END OF PLAY.