Shame Spiral (or a probably-bad-stupid-nobody-will-ever-want-to-watch-it play about The Bachelor) by Ali Viterbi Contact: Leah Hamos The Gersh Agency 41 Madison Ave, 33rd Floor New York, NY 10010 [email protected] CHARACTERS THE PLAYWRIGHT: Ali THE CRYING VIRGIN: Lauren S, Lauren of S THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT: Chris Harrison, Producer, @Bigshot, Frat Bro, Enthusiastic Bro, Man in Toga, Doctor THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR: Producer 2, @Knight, Romantic Bro, Woke Bro, Boyfriend, Bee Keeper, Father THE ASSHOLE: Youtube Jerk, Producer 3, Chad, Chadworth, @Asshole, Jerk Bro, Scared Bro, Roman Soldier, Southern Man THE SLUT: Lauren B, @Slut, Lady-in-Waiting THE WIFEY: Lauren P, @Wifey, Midwife, Sister, E-News THE DESPERATE MILF: Lauren D, @MILF, Cave Woman, Town Busy Body TIME AND PLACE The Present. America. On the Internet. In Reality. On TV. Somewhere in between. A NOTE ON LANGUAGE & STAGING On The Bachelor, the lead and his chosen winner get engaged in under ten weeks. Things happen FAST. This play should feel faster. Every transition should be lightening-quick. The internet is theatricalized onstage, and the audience should feel like they're falling faster and faster down an internet rabbit hole (or a shame spiral). When Lauren S announces her virginity on national television, the other characters get a taste of blood. Over the course of the play, they become more and more blood-hungry - until they ultimately devour her. The world should be Shiny and Perfect, until it isn't - until it's full of blood, and weird-smelling butts, and pubic hair. Take that as literally (or theatrically) as you want. Some of the text of this play is taken directly from The Bachelor Franchise and related forms of video and social media content. Feel free to google, but you shouldn't feel married to any naturalistic interpretations or reenactments of the actual Franchise and its buzz. Scene Titles should either be projected or The Playwright should speak them aloud. An intimacy director is required for staging many of the scenes in this play. Oh, also: I think the stage should feel like an explosion of the traditionally feminine: think a pink, sparkly Barbie Dream House. Note: A Slash (/) indicates overlapping dialogue. Where the slash appears, the next line begins [Words in brackets] are unspoken, perhaps gestured at (Words in parentheses) are quiet, said under the breath, maybe a tonal shift (Food) for thought- "[When you're the Bachelor], it feels like you're a meat and they wanna eat you." -Juan Pablo, Bachelor Season 18 "In the end, I’m thankful I was open about my virginity on The Bachelor because it made a lot of people feel less alone." -Ashley I, "The Crying Virgin," Bachelor Contestant Season 19 "When I said 'I don’t like romance,' it was the equivalent of a dieter insisting she just doesn’t want dessert. I did want it—I just thought I wasn’t allowed." - Jess Zimmerman, "Hunger Makes Me," Hazlitt “In the past couple of years, the ‘attention-seeking’ label has become an all-purpose way to... shame women for the way they present their bodies and selves in public...[But] the desire to be known—to be paid mind—is profoundly human." - Rebecca Onion, Slate Many thanks to Gabrielle Hoyt, my eternal dramaturg, for being the loving doula to every play I birth. For Power Squad, because who needs a Chad? THE TEASER The Crying Virgin stands in white, bathed in angelic light. But then: The rest of the Chorus become Blood-Hungry Demons. They’re ravenous. They slowly circle The Crying Virgin, and then: JUMP on her. They start devouring her. Like a pack of dogs or wolves. They tear off her clothing. It’s insanely animalistic, even bacchanalian. We see blood on their faces, in their teeth. Then: LIGHTS UP. Everything is shiny and polished. Perfect. A SPECTACLE, all caps. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT HOW YA DOING, BACHELOR NATION? Everyone screams and woos. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Good Evening Everyone and Welcome! I’m your host, Chris Harrison, and tonight will be the most dramatic night ever in Bachelor History. I know, I know, I say that every time. But tonight we’re here to talk about the woman EVERYONE’s been talking about. ALL The woman EVERYONE’s been talking about. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT The woman we love to hate. ALL The woman we hate to love. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT The woman who stole our hearts. 2. ALL The woman whose heart we stole. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT She’s.... THE CRYING VIRGIN! ALL THE CRYING VIRGIN! THE SLUT She’s the feminist / hero we all need right now! THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT She’s the CRAZY / BITCH! THE DESPERATE MILF She is fit / habitation for our Father’s heavenly spirit. THE ASSHOLE She’s a lying / Cunt. THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR She is the girl / I dream about when I close my eyes. THE WIFEY She’s the woman I want to be when I grow up. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT It’s Lauren S! From Season 23 of the Bachelor. Applause. During the applause: The Crying Virgin magically appears. She stands on a pedestal, twirling and crying and twirling and crying and twirling and crying. More applause. Even more applause. Oh shit they’re still applauding. And she’s still twirling and crying. 3. As she continues to twirl and cry: THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Now to help us tell the tale of The Crying Virgin, I’d like to introduce you this evening to some of our other cast members. Please give a warm welcome to: As they’re each announced, they strike a character-appropriate pose. THE SLUT The Slut. ALL The Slut. THE ASSHOLE The Asshole. ALL The Asshole. THE DESPERATE MILF The Desperate MILF. ALL The Desperate MILF. THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR The Knight in Shining Armor. ALL The Knight in Shining Armor. THE WIFEY The Wifey. ALL The Wifey. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT And I’m The Bigshot Hotshot. ALL The Bigshot Hotshot. 4. THE PLAYWRIGHT is sitting in the middle of a row in the audience. She raises her hand meekly, to get The Bigshot Hotshot to notice her. THE SLUT The Slut. THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR The Knight in Shining Armor. THE DESPERATE MILF The Desperate MILF. THE ASSHOLE The Asshole. THE WIFEY The Wifey. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT The Bigshot Hotshot. And The Crying Virgin. More applause. The Crying Virgin is still twirling and crying. The Playwright is definitely full-on raising her hand by now, like full-on-Hermione-in- Sorcerer’s-Stone raising her hand. Finally, The Bigshot Hotshot notices her. THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Oh. (less showman-y) And The Playwright. ALL The Playwright. The Chorus (minus The Crying Virgin) freezes. The Playwright rises. 5. THE PLAYWRIGHT (getting out of the row, climbing over people) Sorry, sorry, excuse me. I shouldn’t have sat in... Thank you, Sorry. The Playwright climbs onstage. THE PLAYWRIGHT Hey y’all. (I say y’all cause it’s gender neutral, not cause I’m from the South. Not that there’s anything wrong with being from the South, but...) Anyway. I’m Ali. I’m The Playwright. ALL (un-freezing) The Playwright. The Chorus freezes again. THE PLAYWRIGHT Oh, thanks, yeah. I just wanted to say a few things before we get started. Then I promise I’ll shut up. OK so my dirty little secret: I’m obsessed with The Bachelor. You know, the TV Show? Monday nights at 8pm on ABC? Obsessed. I’ve watched every season. I’ve watched Sean and Catherine’s season twice because their kinds are so dang cute. There are actually eleven Bachelor babies, fun fact. And two on the way! So Love exits. And I listen to three Bachelor recap podcasts every week. And I follow all of my favorite contestants on instagram and twitter. I actually made a twitter account just so I could follow them. So. I am basically a certified expert in the Bachelor Franchise. Oh, also: I once wrote a skit for my family’s Passover Seder where Moses gives Pharaoh a rose, asking “Will you let my people go?” My sisters played Moses and Pharaoh, and I played God, obviously. Anyway. I just thought I’d list my credentials before diving into this romp through fake eyelashes, artificial conflicts, antiquated gender politics, and promises of “true love” blech. And hopefully we can figure out together why we’re addicted to the things we should hate. Ok. 6. So turn off your cellphones, note the emergency exits, and yeah. Enjoy the trashiest show on TV? The Playwright disappears. Back to the SPECTACLE. (The Crying Virgin is still twirling and crying, just FYI.) THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Now sometimes when people watch The Bachelor they like to play a drinking game. So for those of you imbibing tonight, we’re gonna break down the rules for you. Take it away, Asshole! Every time a drinking rule is mentioned, the cast choreographically does a shot. THE ASSHOLE 1) Drink every time The Bachelor Chad takes off his shirt. THE SLUT, THE DESPERATE MILF, AND THE WIFEY Oooooooh! THE WIFEY 2) Drink every time you think Lauren S is wearing too much make-up. THE ASSHOLE, THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, AND THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Ewwwww! THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR 3) Drink every time Lauren S cries. THE SLUT, THE DESPERATE MILF, AND THE WIFEY Awwwww! THE DESPERATE MILF 4) Drink every time Lauren S lies. THE ASSHOLE, THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, AND THE BIGSHOT HOTSHOT Boooooooo! 7.