THE BATTLE OF MORRIGAN A spoof of THE TALE OF DAGDA

written by

Celeste Chan Wolfe

Address Phone E-mail I-1-1.

ACT ONE

Scene One AUNT MAGGIE, seated in her wheelchair, whips her upper torso around, her hands holding an invisible weapon as she crushes invisible enemies. We don't understand what is happening, but it's clear for Aunt Maggie she is on... BLACK. THEN A PROJECTION OF: The banks of the River Boyne in County Meath. Dressed as Morrigan, Aunt Maggie (now a young woman of 27) fights off Fomorians streaming off an armada of long boats with BOANN, the river goddess of Boyne, at her side. AUNT MAGGIE Arseways to Sunday. Damn me gammy husband, the directionless fecker. That man better be more than halfway back from Drogheda. BOANN To your left! Maggie ducks and slams her club into a charging Fomorian. Boann takes down other enemies to their right. The women finish off the fallen with FLASHES of death magic. But more long boats land as reinforcements ready themselves to disembark. AUNT MAGGIE Die, you Balor bastard. We need me husband's harp! BOANN Cover me. I'll work a magic. FRANCIS comes on the scene dressed as Morrigan's husband Dagda, with a full beard, a woolen cloak about his head, and ill-fitting clothes as befits the God, exposing his stomach and buttocks. Francis stands baffled. A harp in his hands. I-1-2.

AUNT MAGGIE Francis John Patrick Maloney! Fancying your shiny butt-cheeks, there. (to herself) Stop getting distracted. Gimme the harp! Aunt Maggie strokes the tune for sleep but nothing happens. AUNT MAGGIE Fuck me. They were supposed to fall asleep. Works for Dagda like a charm. BOANN Fuck you. We're going to get overrun! Do something Dagda. FRANCIS My name's Francis. AUNT MAGGIE You heard what I played. (throws Francis the harp) Play the same tune! Francis plays the same tune. The whole armada drops to the ground asleep. Aunt Maggie grabs back the harp. Shakes it in frustration. AUNT MAGGIE You fuckin' chauvanist cláirseach. Useless as a chocolate teapot. Boann throws FLASHES of death magic at the fallen armada. BOANN Stop being a lazy gowl. Help me finish them off. But just as Aunt Maggie joins Boann, throwing FLASHES of death magic, the soldiers begin to wake up. AUNT MAGGIE Play the tune! Play the tune. Francis plays the tune again, but this time nothing happens. FRANCIS (to Aunt Maggie) You shoulda' been more respectful to the harp. I-1-3.

AUNT MAGGIE Shut your gob. Boann didn't bring you here to give me a dose of your version of Dear Abby. The soldiers rise and quickly surround Aunt Maggie, Boann, and Francis. The trio fight, but the soldiers get the best of them, disarming them all. AUNT MAGGIE Dammit it to all heaven. FRANCIS Wrong time period, Maggie. Currently, we're pagans. BOANN I need the two of you to stop arguing. Make an apology. Do something. AUNT MAGGIE Okay, fine. I'm sorry. If this is it, Francis John Patrick Maloney Dagda, I'm glad your here. Aunt Maggie kisses Francis. A soldier SCREAMS and falls to the ground, mortally wounded and dies. FRANCIS What the fuck? AUNT MAGGIE Kiss me again, you silly bogger. Another soldier dies. Aunt Maggie pulls Francis into her, kissing him hard and fast. She puts a leg up on him and makes him grab her ass. Five soldiers fall, wounded. Boann finishes them off with FLASHES of death magic. BOANN I dunno how you arsed the timeline and quantum, but I need you two to do more of that. Aunt Maggie pushes Francis onto the ground. She lifts her skirts and rides him hard. FRANCIS (breathless) This makes no fucking sense. Having sex destroys the armada? I-1-4.

AUNT MAGGIE Shut it, Francis. Stop giving me notes on the story. This is me fantasy not yours. STAGE LIGHTS FLICKER. The Fallen Dead arise as ghosts that exit the stage. BANSHEES fly in from the rafters SCREAMING, as Aunt Maggie, standing, receives cunnilingas from Francis kneeling before her. AUNT MAGGIE My sweet Dagda, I mean Francis, you were always best with the Aussie's kiss. Aunt Maggie's intensifying GASPS escalate into CRIES of ecstasy. Her sounds blend with the SCREAMS of the Banshees. Aunt Maggie orgasms. BLACK. Over black, we hear a voice: SHENA What's the craic with Aunt Maggie? CAITLIN Dreamin' about her American Gigolo by the looks of it. You asleep there, Aunt Maggie? AS THE LIGHTS SLOWLY COME UP: Aunt Maggie is no longer dressed as Morrigan and is back in her wheelchair, now spent from her exertions. CAITLIN Looks to be, Aunt Maggie was having a sneaky grind. SHENA Aunt Maggie, I see your Francis Maloney there and raise you one Adam Ant, (breaks into Adam Ant's "You're So Physical" as she sexily dances around her aunt) "I want the touch of your charms/ The heat of your breath/ I wanna say all those things, those dirty things/ That would be better unsaid." MARY You're goin to be the death of me, Shena. Guards'll be here any day coming to take you away. I-1-5.

SHENA By the looks, it wouldn't be me they take first. Aunt Maggie opens her eyes from her reverie. SHENA Aunt Maggie, where've you been? What were you doing? AUNT MAGGIE I was fighting Fomorians, wean, on the shores of the river Boyne in County Meath. MARY Looks like it took the whistle outta ya'. SHENA Did you win? AUNT MAGGIE I won the battle, aye. SHENA Can you tell us more? AUNT MAGGIE I'm a bit spent. Sometimes there are stories that don't need tellin'. SHENA But your not one to keep secrets. AUNT MAGGIE True. Still there are things a woman keeps to herself. I will say, life is a bawdy dream. And when you're given a chance to love, snatch it. Don't be your Aunt Maggie, lass. Don't let life pass you by. A woman's blessing is her power to create rapture. SHENA I bet you were with your Francis Maloney. AUNT MAGGIE He were there as the God, Dagda. SHENA That's so punk rock. I wish I had a boy. AUNT MAGGIE You will, in time. When you find the right one, don't let him go. Aunt Maggie looks away from Shena and disappears into herself once more, humming The Dubliner's "Foggy Dew." I-1-6.

SHENA Oh, she's gone again. Let's leave her to rest. Shena, Mary and Caitlin exit, leaving Aunt Maggie, alone, in her wheelchair. Aunt Maggie's humming changes into another tune, and she SINGS: AUNT MAGGIE FIVE YEARS I WATCHED HIM FROM AFAR THOUGH NEVER SWAYED HIM TO BE MINE THAT FIREBRED FRANCIS MALONEY MY LOVE WAS STRONGER THAN HIS SPINE I DREAMED HE WOULD COME BACK ONE DAY SO WE COULD START OUR HOT AFFAIR INSTEAD HE FOUND A BINT AND STAYED AND ALL MY PRAYERS ENDED THERE SHE MADE MY FRAN INTO A MAN A FILTHY LIMEY HE BECAME NO OTHER BOY KILBARRON-BORN COULD EVER MAKE ME TAKE HIS NAME GIRLS, YOU ASK OF WHAT’S AHEAD WHILE I TELL YOU WHAT’S BEHIND IF YOU LOVE AUNT MAGS AT ALL KEEP HER WARNING IN MIND IF YOU WOULD EVER SEARCH FOR LOVE JUST PICK HIM ONCE AND PICK HIM RIGHT A MAN WHO DROWNS OUT THE BANSHEES WITH YOUR OWN FECKIN’ SCREAMS AT NIGHT I-1-7.

AUNT MAGGIE THIS IS THE FIRST A SECTION IN THE LYRIC ELEMENT. THIS IS THE FIRST A SECTION IN THE LYRIC ELEMENT. THIS IS THE FIRST A SECTION IN THE LYRIC ELEMENT. THIS IS THE FIRST A SECTION IN THE LYRIC ELEMENT. THIS IS THE SECOND A SECTION IN THE LYRIC ELEMENT. THIS IS THE SECOND A SECTION IN THE LYRIC ELEMENT. THIS IS THE SECOND A SECTION IN THE LYRIC ELEMENT. THIS IS THE SECOND A SECTION IN THE LYRIC ELEMENT. THIS IS THE B SECTION. YOU HAVE TO INDENT NEW SECTIONS MANUALLY USING THE RULER TOOL AT THE TOP. THIS IS THE B SECTION. THIS IS THE B SECTION. THIS IS THE LAST A SECTION. THIS IS THE LAST A SECTION. THIS IS THE LAST A SECTION. THIS IS THE LAST A SECTION.