Utah Marriage Handbook

TheUtah

Keys to a Healthy MarriageHandbook

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE TEAMWORK! Establishing a marriage mission Helpful marriage resources How well do you GOT TOUGH ISSUES? know your spouse? TAKE THE QUIZ ON PG. 10 How to build a Healthy Stepfamily YOU CAN DO IT ALL! Myths about How to Manage 4domestic money, children, violence in-laws & MORE! TheUtah Handbook Support for this handbook was provided by: Utah Cooperative Extension System ~ Department of Family, Consumer, and Human Development, Utah State University ~ Utah Healthy Marriage Initiatives ~ Utah Department of Human Services

Project Manager – Brian Higginbotham, Utah Cooperative Extension System Editors – Scott Henderson, Connary Fagen, Ashlee Karren Graphic Design – Mary Ferguson

Written and compiled by: Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D. Director, Center for Children, Youth, and Families, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Auburn University; Extension Specialist, Alabama Cooperative Extension System

Brian Higginbotham, Ph.D. Family-Life Extension Specialist, Utah Cooperative Extension System; Department of Family, Consumer, and Human Development, Utah State University

David Schramm, M.S. Amber Paulk, M.S. Center for Children, Youth, and Families, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Auburn University

Acknowledgments: This handbook is a reproduction of the Alabama Marriage Handbook (HE-829) published by the Alabama Cooperative Extension System. We acknowledge the work of the original publication staff including Carol Whatley, Glenda Freeman, Virginia Morgan, Joanna Corley, and Mary Ferguson and express our appreciation for their permission to adapt this handbook for Utah.

We gratefully acknowledge our colleagues in other states who are working to build strong, healthy marriages in their communities and who were willing to support our efforts and share information and materials for this handbook. Most notably, portions of this handbook are adapted from “Marriage Matters: A Guide for Louisiana Couples” and “Raising Your Child Together: A Guide for Unmarried Parents” produced by the Louisiana Department of Social Services; “Intentional Harmony” by Angela Wiley, University of Illinois Extension, www.worklife.uiuc.edu; “Saying I Do: Consider the Possibilities” by James Marshall, Utah State University, www.utahmarriage.org; and from “Smart Steps: Embrace the Journey”, by Francesca Adler-Baeder, National Stepfamily Resource Center, www.stepfamilies.info.

We also acknowledge the following individuals and organizations for their assistance and support: • Alabama Cooperative Extension System • Center for Children, Youth, and Families, Auburn University • Judy Kasten Bell, Utah Coalition Against Domestic Violence • Mike Whitesides, Utah Cooperative Extension System

Utah State University is committed to providing an environment free from harassment and other forms of illegal discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age (40 and older), disability, and veteran’s status. USU’s policy also prohibits discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation in employment and academic related practices and decisions. Utah State University employees and students cannot, because of race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age, disability, or veteran’s status, refuse to hire; discharge; promote; demote; terminate; discriminate in compensation; or discriminate regarding terms, privileges, or conditions of employment, against any person otherwise qualified. Employees and students also cannot discriminate in the classroom, residence halls, or in on/off campus, USU-sponsored events and activities. This publication is issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture, Noelle Cockett, Vice President for Extension and Agriculture, Utah State University. Congratulations!

You’ve made a commitment to join in marriage with a very special someone. Marriages happen in different ways and at different times for different people. You may be young, middle-aged, or a senior. This may be your first marriage or your second or third. You may have children, or you may be gaining a stepchild. You may get married in a home, a church, a synagogue, a temple, or a courthouse. While no two marriages look exactly alike, all people enter marriage with similar hopes. You want your marriage to be successful, happy, and long-lasting. You want to be friends, lovers, and partners for life. You have a vision of taking care of each other as you grow older and being there for each other through life’s ups and downs. • Something you may realize already is that strong, healthy, long-lasting marriages don’t just happen on their own. They happen when two people are intentional about their marriage. That means each person makes an effort to build strong bonds with his or her spouse and work together so that each feels valued, supported, and connected. A healthy, happy marriage and family life are great for you and for your children. As you enter into this new phase of your life, there are things you can do to help create the kind of marriage and family life everyone hopes for. • Did you know there’s information available that can help you build a healthy marriage? Although some people have seen wonderful examples of healthy marriages and have learned a lot from watching other couples, others may not have seen great relationships or may not fully realize what it is that builds strong marriages even if they have seen them. • Did you know there’s been a lot of research about the kinds of things that people do that lead to strong, long-lasting marriages? This handbook is designed to share some of that information with you. Some of this might confirm what you’re doing already; some of this might be new, helpful information. Utah Marriage Handbook

We hope that you will:

Read this handbook and discuss it with your partner. Try out some of the tips in the weeks, months, and years ahead. • Save this handbook and look at it from time to time, especially when questions or difficult situations come up in your relationship. • Check out the publications, resources, and Web sites suggested in this handbook. They can provide additional information about topics in this guide. • Participate in premarital preparation before you marry or in marriage education programs at any time in your marriage. These programs teach valuable tips, skills, and attitudes that form the foundation for good relationships. Both men and women find these programs very helpful—and enjoyable! • Seek help for your marriage if you experience trouble. Not all marriages can or should be saved, but many can be. Don’t wait until your situation is very serious before getting help. • There are many agencies, organizations, and individuals in the state of Utah who care about you and your efforts to build a strong and lasting marriage. Healthy marriages and healthy families create healthy communities—something we all want. We wish you all the best and hope that this guide is helpful in your journey. Keys to a Successful Marriage

pg. 5 How you think & what you do How You Think ……………………5 What You Do ………………………10

your Managing marriage pg. 19 Money ……………………19 Work & Family ………………………21 Home & House-Care Responsibilities………………………23 Children ………………………25 In-Laws ………………………28 pg. 31 Special Topics Remarriages Myths & Realities ……………………31 Strategies for Stepparenting ………………………32 Coparenting with Expartners ………………………35 pg. 39

Issues thathurtrelationships Substance Abuse, Gambling, & Other Addictions ……………………39 Mental Health Problems ………………………39 Sexual Infidelity ………………………39 DomesticViolence About Domestic Violence ……………………41 pg. 41 Myths & Facts ………………………42 Where to Get Help ………………………43 Resources Utah Resources ………………………44 Other Resources ………………………45 How you think & what you do

1 Keys to a Healthy Marriage

people who have more realistic expectations and How You Think who think about their partners in positive ways— How you think affects the quality of your often giving them the benefit of the doubt—have marriage. Theexpectations you have upon more satisfying marriages. Because no person entering marriage, the commitment you make to is perfect, happiness in marriage is higher for your relationship as a couple, and having a positive a person who focuses on the positives rather attitude all have a great bearing on the success than the negatives in his or her spouse and of your partnership. relationship.

Expectations Remember, too, that how you think about a People who enter marriage with unrealistic situation can lead to how you behave. What do beliefs and unrealistic expectations often feel you expect in your marriage? What do you expect frustration, anger, and dissatisfaction when of your spouse? Have you thought about it? their expectations go unmet. On the other hand, Try this exercise.

Indicate whether you think the following statements are true or false. True False 1. Because we are in love we should never disagree. 2. My spouse should know what I’m thinking and feeling without my having to say it. 3. My spouse will never change (for the better or for the worse). 4. I will always feel those exciting, passionate feelings for my spouse.

If you thought, “These statements are unrealistic,” For number 4, long-lasting love experiences some then you’re on track—they are all false. highs and lows in passionate feelings. Mature Research shows that people who strongly hold love takes time to grow and is better described as these expectations are usually less satisfied in strong feelings of connection, caring, and respect their marriages. for the other person.

In reference to number 1 above, having conflict Marriage is much more than the happily ever is a normal part of being in a relationship with after you see in the movies. All couples have another human being. There’s nothingwrong with differences and disagreements. The issue is not your marriage if you have disagreements. Skills whether you have disagreements but how you for managing disagreements and conflict are manage them. Couples who stay together learn very important for healthy relationships. Some how to turn romantic, fairy-tale love into real, recommendations are offered in the next section. lasting, committed, mature love.

For number 2, although a few people might be quite good at it, mind-reading is a rare skill. Tip #1 • Recognize A person can love you deeply and still not be able to know what you’re thinking or feeling. any unrealistic How You Think • For number 3, people can and do change and grow. And remember, when you hit some rough expectations spots, in most cases, people can change for the better with support, love, and encouragement. you may have.

5 Utah Marriage Handbook

People enter marriage with very specific expectations and beliefs about how things Tip #2 • Share your should work and who should do what. Have you talked about some of these? Complete this expectations with questionnaire separately, and then compare each other. your answers. You might find some very interesting differences!

Not You Spouse Both Who will/should do these tasks? Sure HOUSEHOLD TASKS Indoor (cleaning, dusting, etc.) Outdoor (lawn, garden, etc.) YOUTH & CHILD CARE (Present or Future) Teach sex education Give guidance and discipline Help with school work Teach family values Attend parent/teacher conferences FINANCES Bookkeeping Pay bills Plan family budget DECISIONS When to purchase car When to remodel house How to spend family income When to have additional children SPIRITUALITY Decide level of church involvement Decide family spirituality practices Teach children related topics FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES Run errands Grocery shops Maintain family car Transport children to school and activities MARITAL ROLES Resolve conflict Initiate affection Initiate sex Initiate recreation Initiate social activities

•Think You How Make retirement plans 6 Make contact w/ your extended family Make contact w/ spouse's extended family Keys to a Healthy Marriage

Commitment – From Me to We the greater your chances for harmony in your marriage. If you find that you and your spouse Another important part of thinking in ways share very different views in any area, it may be that lead to a healthy marriage is to adopt a wise to come to some sort of agreement that commitment attitude, which means that you you are both comfortable with before you get consider you and your spouse as part of the married. Where there are differences, try to same team. work for common ground. Keep in mind that in marriage, when one spouse loses, both lose. Strive Tip #3 • Think of for solutions that satisfy both members of your you and your spouse marriage “team.” Think, too, about your broader goals. Many as a team. companies and organizations have a mission You’re in this together now—and most people statement, which states their purpose, goals, and have lots of hurdles and challenges to face in life. commitments to customers and employees. It is If you think of yourselves as part of a team, you’re a good idea to do this for your marriage. Think more likely to behave in ways that make you feel about what you personally want in your mission more and more connected. You’ll support each statement. What do you as a couple believe, want, other when one of you faces a challenge. You’ll support, and value? With your spouse, discuss make choices that build trust between the two the questions at the bottom of the page (and of you. think of some others), and see if you can come up with a mission statement for your marriage. Part of thinking as a team means talking about your expectations as well as your goals and Tip #4 • Establish a purpose in coming together as a married couple. You and your spouse grew up in different shared mission for families, have had different experiences, and think differently. Whether it be something as your marriage. small as who you think should take out the Consider using this statement as a guide trash or as large as deciding whether and when throughout your marriage. You may even want to have children, share with your spouse your to hang it in a place where you and your spouse expectations, hopes, and desires. Failure to will regularly see it. From time to time, read talk about what’s in your heart and mind can it together and evaluate whether your daily quickly lead to frustration and disappointment. behaviors, choices, and use of time are consistent The more agreement you and your spouse with your commitment to one another. have in terms of your expectations and beliefs,

What do we want out of this Our Mission Statement relationship? How You Think • • How will we treat each other? • What will we do to keep our relationship strong? 7 Utah Marriage Handbook

Attitudes People in healthy relationships and marriages focus on the positives and trust each other, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Think about how you would respond in the following scenarios with your spouse, and then share your thoughts with him or her.

Your spouse leaves early for work without waking you and telling you goodbye. • You come home to a messy kitchen and find your spouse playing outside Even though it might seem that how you think with the kids. about a situation just happens, you can control • your thinking and decide to have a more positive You have a 6:00 p.m. dinner date on attitude about your spouse. Learning to do this the other side of town. It is now 5:45, is a skill that leads to greater happiness and and your spouse is still not home. satisfaction in marriage.

In each of these scenarios, you could easily Tip #5 • Give your choose to feel slighted, ignored, or frustrated. Was that your first instinct? Did you find that spouse the benefit there’s also a more positive way to think of each of the scenarios? of the doubt. But what if you gave your spouse the benefit of “How thoughtful that he didn’t wake me!” the doubt and you were wrong? When you’ve or been let down frequently, it may be difficult for “She wanted me to rest as much as possible!” • you to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. “How wonderful that she takes time In such cases, talking about your frustrations and to nurture the children!” deciding together how to change the situation or is important. Each one of you will need to focus “What a wonderful involved dad he is!” on changing some behaviors that are distressful • to the other, as well as reinforcing the positives. “Something must have kept her at the office; Instead of constantly pointing out when a spouse I’ll bet she’s upset that she’s running late!” does something wrong, try to notice and comment or when your spouse does something . For “I hope everything’s alright; it is not like right example, if he or she constantly forgets to call him to keep me waiting!” when behind schedule, try doing something really nice the first time he or she does remember to It should be easy to see that when you think call. People typically respond better to praise than more positively about a situation, you’re more •Think You How to criticism. likely to act more positively with your spouse. 8 Keys to a Healthy Marriage

Let’s face it, no one is perfect! There will always be some things about your spouse that Tip #6 • Focus more drive you crazy, so it is very important to not let the negatives in your relationship overshadow on the positives in the positives. your spouse and in Take a minute to brainstorm 10 things you really like about your spouse. Write them down here, and your marriage. come back to them the next time you find yourself frustrated with something about your spouse. 10 Great Things About My Spouse!

9 How You Think •

9 10 • What You Do Utah MarriageHandbook What YouDo Maintaining &Growing Your Friendship It should come little as surprise that couples In addition to thinking ways in that support and with astrong friendship quite naturally handle friendship throughout your life together. their friendship, their commitment, and their make doing ahabit of their conflictsbetter. Couples are often very good powerful maintaining in and growing your positive feelings for each other. The following in the beginning of their marriage thein of at beginning doing the build the relationship, people healthy in marriages kinds of things that of kinds enhance their friendship and others; however, everyone come more naturally for some people than for connection strong. these behaviors of Some may areas with effort and practice. are suggestions that are fairly simple but very * My spousetrustsme. I trustmy spouse. I feel like my spouseknows mepretty well. I know my spouse’s favorite and leastfavorite relatives. familiarwithmyI amvery spouse’s religious beliefs. I know someofmy spouse’s life dreams. I know thenamesofpeoplethat have irritated my spouserecently. I know thethingsthatcurrently causemy spousestress. I know my spouse’s ideal placetolive. I know whatmy spouse’s idealjobwould be. I know whatmy spousewould doifheorshewon thelottery. I know my spouse’s mostembarrassing moment. I know my spouse’s moststressful childhoodevent. I know my spouse’s favorite movie. I know my spouse’s favorite typeofmusic. I cannamemy spouse’s bestfriends. Test how wellyouknow yourspouseby thefollowing answering trueorfalse questions. Adapted from

The SevenPrinciplesforMakingMarriage Work, by J. certain things that keep can these build in skills

Gottman (1999). The more is the a spouse aware theof details of You may things know about alot your of spouse Knowing your well spouse leads to astrong your can spouse positively affect your marriage. friendship—the true key to along-lasting, healthy marriage. healthy likes, and dislikes), the better the marriage. other person’s world or her stressors, (his hopes, already, but always striving to more deeply know Tip #7•Frequently thoughts, feelings, feelings, thoughts, ask your spouse and experiences. about or her his reFalse True

Keys to a Healthy Marriage

If you were able to answer true to more than half As daily physical exercise builds strong bodies, of the questions, you know your spouse fairly there are some daily relationship exercises that well. If not, take some time to find the answers to build strong marriages. Try these. Post these these and other important questions about your exercises on the refrigerator, and try them. spouse. It will improve your friendship and your Couples report amazing results! commitment to your spouse. Share the answers on your list with your spouse, and don’t feel badly Exercise 1 if you didn’t know a lot of things. Use this as an Before saying goodbye to your spouse in opportunity to share with each other. Enjoy the the morning, learn about one important conversation, and make it a regular part of your thing that’s happening in his or her life that day. This will break the habit of inattention time together. that eventually turns couples into strangers. Tip #8 • Show your 2 minutes per day spouse in small ways Exercise 2 Decompress after work by discussing the daily how much most stressful parts of your day. This will prevent job frustration from spilling over into your home life. Also share your joys you care. and successes. When it is your spouse’s Interestingly, it is not the big, grandiose displays turn to talk, resist the urge to give advice. Instead, be supportive and say you under- of love and affection that keep a marriage strong. stand. Be a cheerleader for the joys and It is the daily, small, positive behaviors and habits the challenges. that work best. Researchers have even discovered 20 minutes per day a formula among healthy couples: there are five positive behaviors for every one negative behavior in the relationship. Often, when couples struggle Exercise 3 in a relationship, it is not necessarily that there Once a day, spontaneously tell your spouse are lots more negative behaviors—it is that they you appreciate something he or she has have lost the many daily kind and thoughtful done or that you admire a certain quality in him or her. behaviors and routines that existed in the early part of their relationship. 5 minutes per day

Exercise 4 Show affection outside the bedroom by occasionally kissing or touching. 5 minutes per day

Exercise 5 Plan a date once a week, just like when you What You Do • were single. Go someplace—just the two of you—and get reacquainted with each other. Once a week for at least 2 hours

11 12 • What You Do Utah MarriageHandbook The way your family members—those grewyou Learning to Communicate to Learning Check the answers the Check below that best describe your How many times have you heard that? Well, it is your are spouse very important for skills healthy Communication the is key to relationship. agood same communication when What style? happens often aware ofyourand yourspouse’s family patterns original family’soriginal communication Were patterns. you mistakenly thinkwere that you familiar both with the two people have different of communication?styles marriages. people Some are really at good this; true. Finding ways to heard be before completing questionnaire? this you Did patterns communication of you’ve learned. up with—communicate with each other a has spouse. It can help you both to examine the others need to work at it. great influence on how youinteract with your 1. How would you describethe 4. To whomwould you rather m Closed m Open m Noone m Afriend m Arelative m Asibling m Aparent m Ideas m Feelings m Facts m People m Connected m Separated 3. The conversations inyour 2. Within your family, how do which topics? communication? other? talk? the membersfeel toward each family tendtocenteraround

—and to listen

7. How would you describe your m Varied m Grandparents m Children m Mother m Father m Resistant m Getangry m Very stressful m Gowiththeflow m Never m Onweekends m Lateevenings m Atmealtime m Afterschool m Never m Only whenthere isaproblem m Several timesaweek m Daily 6. When didyour family spend 5. How oftenwould your decisions inthefamily? 8. Who madethemajor time togetherinconversation? talk aboutconcerns? family’s abilitytohandlechange? family membersgettogetherto —to together what areas you you can communicate Tip #9• Talk about patterns, and decide will workwill on that so your differencesin communication communication moreeffectively. 10. How would you describethe 11. Are there topics at home 12. Dofamily membersvalue and Marriage, m No s m Ye m Critical m Argumentative m Loud m Quiet m No s m Ye m No s m Ye 9. Are family membersfree to disagree withoneanother? each other’s opinions? overall toneoftheconversation style inyour family? that are offlimitsfor discussion? * Adaptedfrom

by Connections: Relationships C. Kamper,TheDibbleFund. Keys to a Healthy Marriage

As one spouse communicates his or her thoughts and feelings, the other spouse should make an effort to receive and understand the message that’s being conveyed. One of the easiest ways to facilitate understanding is by asking your spouse questions about what he or she has said.

Receiving the information in communication is usually the more difficult part for couples. Practice by saying back to your spouse what you heard her or him say; for example,

“So, is what you’re saying…?”

Let your spouse clarify if necessary. Take turns being the sender and the receiver. This back-and- forth kind of communication might feel awkward at first, but if you can make it part of your habit of talking with each other in your daily life, it will enter into your communication patterns when It is important to remember that communication you’re in conflict. is like a game of tennis. There’s a sender, and there’s a receiver—and both of these things have to happen or the ball (the message) will be Tip #10 • In talking dropped (not communicated). with each other, be Get in the habit of sending and receiving in your everyday life together. For the sender, use “I” sure that you take messages to tell your message from your viewpoint, for example: turns and make an

I am excited about ______effort to really hear because ______. what your spouse is I am frustrated about ______because ______. saying and feeling.

I am happy that ______because ______.

I am nervous or uneasy about ______because ______. What You Do •

I am hopeful about ______because ______.

13 14 • What You Do Utah MarriageHandbook A major differencebetween satisfying and I speakkindly tomy spouse(nosarcasm or Rate yourself following on the statements. name-calling). Managing Conflict m Ireally needtowork onthis! m I’mokay atthis. m I’mreally good atthis! m Ireally needtowork onthis! m I’mokay atthis. m I’mreally good atthis! m Ireally needtowork onthis! m I’mokay atthis. m I’mreally good atthis! m Ireally needtowork onthis! m I’mokay atthis. m I’mreally good atthis! It’s important to remember that you how No two people agree on absolutely everything, when you’rewhen your strengthen either in conflict—can communicate—how respond you toeach other defensive, suchastellingmy feelings ratherthan damage their relationship the in process. It may I willapologize. I amnotimmediately defensive whenmy spouse I uselanguagethatdoesnotputapersononthe human relationships in beings have conflict now problems together. nothing wrong can create major problems. All the couple conflict; has is it how the conflict is managed is relationship or tear it It down. possible is for a unsatisfying relationships not is whether something wrong with your relationship. even be possibleeven be to resolve some couple to learn healthy ways to disagree and not and then. Conflict doesn’t mean that there’s and avoiding issues or trying to pretend there is brings upanissueorproblem. blaming oraccusing. .

There different are lots of ways topull back. You To back! push When you’re an in emotionally charged argument, What are some ways to avoid or move this out of He or sheusually doesn’t hard. as push m Ireally needtowork onthis! m I’mokay atthis. m I’mreally good atthis! m Ireally needtowork onthis! m I’mokay atthis. m I’mreally good atthis! (I’m notjustthinkingaboutwhatI’mgoing tosay It should easyto be understand that attack/ with each other. you’re If attacking, your message Human are beings defensive by nature. Ask How did you do? Why it important is to keep your to spouse hold up one hand; push your your words on focused yourself rather than down and not try totalkthingsout. down andnottry defend communicating not is method agood of I stay engagedwithmy spouseanddon’t justshut I take timetolistenwhatmy spouseissaying. less likely to respond with strong, emotions. angry trap? First, start asofter use when you have an hand flathis or against her hand, and watch the reaction. What to seems the be natural reaction? immediately respond defensively? in response.in What the does other person do? issue or problem you want to discuss. Anger is notis getting through—the other person too is usually met with anger, you start if with so busy pushing back. emotions that are not strong, so your is spouse on your spouse? Why it important is to not conflict level. Push on your spouse’s handagain, either you one of can back pull and reduce the can reach out to your emotionally spouse by can intentionally more talk softly and slowly. You and when he or she pushes back, relax your hand next whileheorsheistalking.) Keys to a Healthy Marriage

saying, “You must be feeling…” or by sharing your Tip #14 • Use kind words and a kind tone of emotions and asking for help. voice. Isn’t it amazing how kind and polite we are to friends, acquaintances, and even strangers? It’s vitally important to use soothing behaviors Do you speak to your spouse with kindness? and to find ways to keep the angry emotions Consciously work on adding polite, genuinely manageable when you’re in conflict. If someone kind words and phrases to your dialogue with becomes too upset, all the wonderful knowledge your spouse, such as “please,” “thank you,” and and skills you have to keep your connection with “I so appreciate when you….” your spouse strong can fly right out of your head!

More Tips for Effective Tip #15 • Express Communication During Conflict With your spouse, put a star by the tips below some kind of that you think are especially important for the two of you. Write these rules and others you appreciation before come up with together on a piece of paper, and post it somewhere you will see it often. offering a complaint.

Tip #11 • Describe your feelings, using “I” instead There is a management style that recommends of starting with “you….” Starting with “you” several positive strokes for every one complaint usually puts the person on the defensive and or critique given, making it more likely that the may start to get him or her emotionally upset. complaint will be received (listened to). Have you Tip #12 • Focus on the specific and current ever worked with someone like that? What does behavior, and don’t label the person in a bad way. that feel like? Even in the midst of conflict and “I” statements can be combined with a specific strong emotions, you can find something about focus on the behavior. Labeling a person can your spouse that you appreciate, and you need quickly make that person defensive and upset. to verbalize this. It can go a long way in soothing See how these are different: upset feelings. Tip #16 • Don’t keep things inside until you feel • “You’re such a slob,” versus “I’d like it if you’d filled up and then dump everything out at once. remember to put the wet towels in the hamper.” If you carry around your complaints and hard • “You’re thoughtless,” versus “I feel really sad that feelings and then dump them all at once on your you forgot our anniversary.” spouse, it is more likely that it will be too much for him or her to handle and he or she will be • versus “You never help with the children,” “I’d feel automatically defensive and not hear what you much less stressed if you helped with the children’s have to say. Say what you’re thinking and feeling bedtime routine.” as soon as it is appropriate. Don’t wait for things Tip #13 • Don’t be so to build up. Tip #17 • Avoid ultimatums. Statements that

focused on winning. begin with “You better do this or else…” are not What You Do • helpful in resolving conflict. They limit options Be able to apologize. and back your spouse into a corner, forcing him or her to make a choice neither of you may be Usually, an apology is almost immediately happy with. soothing to your spouse’s upset feelings. It is a very powerful response. *Many of these tips in this section are from Saying I Do: Consider 15 the Possibilities, by J. Marshall, Utah State University Extension. 16 • What You Do Utah MarriageHandbook Also, don’t withhold a threat sex as it or in use Tip #18•Listen to what the other person has Tip #20•State wishesand wants clearly and Tip #23•Don’t give the silent treatment. The Tip #22•Don’t fightdirty. Don’tphysically, be Tip #21•Don’t sex to use smooth over an It not help will you resolve anything and only I Need… Don’t assume you know what’s going on or how your feels spouse or thinks. Check and recheck for Don’t intentionally say or do things that you know directly. directly. turns, and and turns, to say. point of view and should view point have of the chance to that can work is W-I-N: When you…I feel. . . prolongs the the agony conflict of forboth you. of the world, you probably know how to hurt your understanding. understanding. understanding each other onissue. adifficult spouse guess what guess spouse the problem is. A technique silent treatment aggression. quiet aform is of spouse mostspouse effectively. Respect your spouse spouse, but substitute apoor it is for really express it. Don’t interrupt each other. Take enough to refrain from dirtyfighting. emotionally, or verbally abusive or manipulative. are upsetting to your spouse. the all people in Of a manipulative way. after you’ve worked through aconflictwith your argument. Tip #19• Always Each person involved or her his own has Don’t beat around the bush or make your perceptions. check your Sex can agreat making be Sex up part of listen .

Tip #26•Use humor. Tip #28• Try writing spouse feellikeheorsheisthe you’re madat Tip #25•Don’ttakeitoutonyourspouse.If your spouse, You canshareyoursadorangryfeelingswith fair fighting. fair fightingbegins dirty or breaking your rules for upon way to call afoul, your or time-out, spouse if back to the issue, though. Also, up set an agreed thingscool get heated. down if sure Be to come Sometimes necessary it is to take ashort break to “I love you!” “I And go ahead and add afourth to that list: Written words don’t carry quite much as emotion Tip #27• When the fightis over,drop it. Tip #29•Use these important phrases: way to to talk your about spouse an issue. Humor can way agood be to deal with conflictas

Sometimes direct confrontation not is the best hold on to your anger once an argument over, is the an argument tension asplit in of second! long not it is sarcastic. as Loving humor can break understand,” you’re“Maybe right,” and sorry.”“I’m be morebe to listen willing to what you’ve written. even if it wasn’teven if resolved the way you wanted. and forget. Don’t keep bringing up the fight or as spokenas words sometimes do. Your may spouse time-outs and fouls. time-outs down your feelings. Tip #24•Call but becarefulnottomakeyour someone don’t yellatyourspouse. target. “Now I Forgive Keys to a Healthy Marriage

The Big Red Flags Throughout your marriage, pay particular Tip #30 • Be on alert attention to the following four behaviors, which are considered to be especially destructive and for the big red flags: predictive of marital failure. criticism, defensiveness,

Criticism contempt, and There’s a big difference between complain- ing and criticizing. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, such as “I’m angry you stonewalling. didn’t put your clothes in the hamper.” Criticism goes the next step and assigns a character trait, such as “You’re so lazy!”

Defensiveness In response to a complaint, it might seem natural to defend yourself. But rather than defuse the attack, this response usually escalates it. Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your spouse. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Contempt Too much negativity leads to conversations full of sarcasm, cynicism, and mockery. Contempt is poisonous to a relationship. It conveys disgust, and it eats away at any good in the relationship.

Stonewalling When there’s no hope of progress, one partner (the man in 85 percent of cases) simply tunes out. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t even appear to hear. Stonewalling usually arrives last. It represents a deadly disconnection.

* Information in this section was adapted from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by J. Gottman (1999).

Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling can sneak into even the best of relationships. Undoubtedly, an occasional What You Do • snide remark will occur at some point in the marriage, but be on alert—if a conscious effort is not made to stop these behaviors, they create a cycle of negativity that becomes increasingly destructive and difficult to stop. 17 Utah Marriage Handbook your Managing marriage

2 Keys to a Healthy Marriage

Managing Your Marriage In this section, we’ll focus on using those thinking and doing skills when facing certain challenges. Managing Money All marriages include the management of issues and tasks. One issue that all couples deal with is how to handle money. An important place to start is talking to each other about your values for spending. Read over the list below. Put a 1 beside the things What’s Important to you? Part One What’s important to you? Why do you spend Read over the list below. Put a 1 beside the things that are most important to you. Put a 2 by the that are MOST important to you. Put a 2 by the your money the way you do? If ten people were things you consider somewhat important and a 3 things you consider somewhat important and a 3 given a $100 bill, they would most likely spend it by things that are not important to you. After you’ve by things that are not important to you.After you’ve completed the list, ask your partner to do the same. in entirely different ways. Why? Because people completed the list, ask your partner to do the same. are different and value different things. The deep- _____ religion _____ religion rooted beliefs you have about what is desirable and good are known as “values.” Values grow from _____ education _____ education personal experiences. You have made—and will _____ vacation _____ vacation continue to make—choices based on your values. _____ saving money _____ saving money Values are not necessarily right or wrong; they express what is most important to you. _____ our own business _____ our own business _____ jewelry _____ jewelry Families set goals based on their values. A major reason why many couples argue about money _____ family _____ family often involves differing values and goals between _____ health _____ health partners. _____ cultural events _____ cultural events _____ sports _____ sports _____ job success _____ job success _____ food _____ food _____ insurance _____ insurance _____ lots of money _____ lots of money _____ friends _____ friends _____ new car _____ new car Managing / Money • _____ pay off debts _____ pay off debts _____ clothes _____ clothes _____ entertainment _____ entertainment _____ boat _____ boat

_____ other _____ other? 19 20 • Managing / Money Utah MarriageHandbook ______You have justbeenlaidoffofyour job. You must You have justwon $10,000inthelottery. What Now compare yourresponses from above with It hard is for enough one person todecide which your actual spendingyour actual toyourrated priorities tosee if your spouse’s. agree same on the things. Take some time tocompare would below. spendthemoney andfillinthechart will you dowiththemoney? Decidehow you is moreis important, harder but for even two people to they reallythey do match. cut first? make amajorcutinspending. What would you Are you spendingmoney onthe thingsthatare really tobothyou important andyour family? partner wouldpartner prefer togo onafishingtrip? Do you wantmore new clothingwhenyour $______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______$______for______Do you bothvaluethesamethings? Do you andyour agree partner on your spendingvalues? • • •

Tip #2• Talk regularly and long-range financial * Tip #8•Remember to positive use communication Tip #7• As you financial set goals, remember be to Tip and come #5•Discuss to agreements about Tip #4•Keep each other up to date on personal all Tip #3•Use ateam approach. Respect each Tip aside aregular time each #1•Set month to Money-Talk Tips Here are some tips that help you will effectively discuss money issues (yourdiscuss budget, planned that put your will on spouse the defensive, such as realistic, specific, and flexible. how to any use extra money (such refunds). tax as time to work together. regular meeting, spend less time overall you’ll manage your money together. both of youboth of agree with. skills whenskills money. discussing language Avoid criticizing, ridiculing, or demanding. other’s differences, and work toward decisions expenses, debt-reduction plans). By having a assets and debts.assets and may avoid problems since you’ve aside set Your Money Tip #6• Write short Information inthissectionwasadaptedfrom about ways to better manage your money. goals together.goals , by E.

Ames, Ohio StateUniversityExtension.

Managing

Managing / Work & Family • 21

Keys to a Healthy Marriage to a Healthy Keys home... home... home... home... get home... get home... ______• If I’m proud of my day’s work, when I get home...get I when •work, day’s my of proud I’m If • home... when I get overtime, If I work when I get home... at work, day After a hard • • when I get home... underpaid, If I feel when I get • all day, orders had to take If I’ve • when I get home... hassled at work, If I feel • when I get home... me, boss compliments If my • when I get at work, well gone If things have when I • has been noisy, environment work If my • when I get home... at work, been bored If I’ve and home. some potential benefits to having a little a little to having benefits potential some two. the between separation you do responses Which your spouse. with responses better understanding of how your work life spills life of how your work better understanding feel good about? Which responses show how show your responses Which about? good feel for you to create a healthy balance between work work between balance a healthy create to you for over into your home life. Read through your through Read life. your home over into work life might be negatively affecting your home life? home your affecting benegatively might life work your work life from your home life, there are are there life, home your from life work your

Complete the following sentences you’ll so a the have following Complete Whether one or both of you work, it is important is it important work, of both or one you Whether Although it is impossible to completely separate separate completely to is it impossible Although

• • • • • • • • • • • working? working? work anyway? anyway? work in a typical week? your top priority? your the sole provider? take priority over the other’s? the other’s? priority over take spouse to work in a typical week? spouse to work Is career development or family life life or family development Is career to relocating if your job requires it? job requires if your to relocating whether and when to have children? whether and when to have Do you and your spouse both plan on spouse both plan on and your Do you If you both work, will one spouse’s job job one spouse’s will both work, If you to work for financial reasons, will both reasons, financial for to work work, what are your childcare options? childcare your what are work, Are you and your spouse in agreement in agreement spouse and your you Are If your spouse became unemployed, for for spouse became unemployed, If your Do you expect your spouse to be open spouse to be open expect your Do you What type of hours do you expect your expect your What type of hours do you If both you and your spouse do not need do not need spouse and your If both you How many hours do you expect to work expect to work hours do you many How about the type of work you both will do? you about the type of work how long would you be comfortable being you long would how care for the children? Who should that be? the children? for care How will your work affect your decisions of your affect work will your How If both you and your spouse need or want to and your If both you Should either of you consider staying home to consider staying Should either of you expectations about what their work and family family and work their what about expectations spouse have a joint understanding of each other’s of other’s each understanding a joint spouse have life will be like. It is important that you and your your and you that is important It willlife be like. areas. in these expectations and thoughts spouse. of your those with your answers compare without spending much time discussing their discussing time their much spending without Unfortunately, many couples get married married get couples many Unfortunately, Managing Work & Family Work Managing Answer these questions individually, and then and individually, Answer questions these 22 • Managing / Work & Family Utah MarriageHandbook Tips for Managing Work &Family Reward yourself for arriving at work on time. • clocks Set ahead 10minutes. • Take time for breakfast. • Coordinate and share morning with tasks • Have children make their own lunches. • Get ready before waking others. • Get to earlier bed and get up earlier. • Wake-up time Try these pointers some of to help you manage Changes don’t have to big be to make adifference. the daily routines work of and family. stress andrestoring somebalancetoyour life. If yourscore is 21 to30— reduce thestress abit. If yourscore is 13 to20— If yourscore is 6 to12— Tally thepointsthatare associatedwitheachoftheresponses you circled. to my family. I oftencannotgetwork donebecause ofcommitments infamily activitiesbecauseofmyI oftencannotparticipate work. and maintenanceofourhome. I feel good abouthow much my spousecontributestothecare I have difficulty settingasidetime for activitieswith my spouse. I find tobe to everything everybody.myself trying accomplish allthatIplannedtodo. At theendofday, Ifeel frustratedbecauseIdidnot statements below asstrongly disagree (SD), disagree (D), neither(N), agree (A), orstrongly agree (SA). vs.StressBalance -Now considerthelevel ofbalanceorstress inyourlife. yourresponses tothe Circle your spouse.

you are probably doingwell inmanagingyour work/family balance. it is important thatyouit isimportant andyour spousediscussstrategiesfor reducing your you may wanttolookatafew areas ofwork/family life andthinkofways to Plan and lay out what to wear tomorrow. • Arrange items that you need access to the in • Do afew maintenance chores daily (bills, • Stick with an agreed time.TV cutoff • Make the next day’s lunches. • Share cleanup the dishes and of house. • Allow each other some time alone. • Sit down for dinner together at the table. • Prepare meals together. • Take time to listen and about debrief each • Transition with clothes. achange of • After work/dinnertime Cleanup/bedtime morning place. afamiliar in dusting). other’s day. SD SD SD SD SD SD (1) (1) (5) (1) (1) (1)

(2) (2) (4) (2) (2) (2) D D D D D D

(3) (3) (3) (3) (3) (3) N N N N N N (4) (4) (2) (4) (4) (4) A A A A A A (5) (5) (1) (5) (5) (5) SA SA SA SA SA SA Keys to a Healthy Marriage

If you’re really feeling off balance, it may be • Plan something fun to do together as a couple at important to put greater effort into managing least once a week. your time and stress load. • Talk with your employer if your workload is creating too much stress or pressure for you. • Make a list of weekly activities, and prioritize Be prepared to offer some suggested strategies. them on a checklist. • Talk to your spouse if you feel that his or her • Schedule time with your spouse each day. work is negatively affecting your home life (using • Schedule your exercise each week. the techniques you’ve learned for positive • Maintain good nutrition and adequate sleep. communication). Develop strategies together.

Managing Home & a good idea to do a little detailed work to set up a House-Care Responsibilities plan and an agreement. Look back on pg. 6 at the table showing marital Take a few minutes to make the following lists. role expectations. How much alike were your and your spouse’s responses to the questions related List all of the household tasks that need to be to household tasks and family responsibilities? done. (It helps to put the tasks into categories It is really not so important who does what and such as indoor work, outdoor work, childcare, who does more or less, it is whether you agree how financial management, and wage earning.) the homecare responsibilities should be handled and shared. You should each feel that the distribution List how often each task needs to be done. (Is it of labor—how much and what each of you daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, or yearly?) does—is fair. List how long it takes to complete each task.

If one or both of you do not feel good about your List who will do or usually does the task. (Is current situation—or if you’ve never discussed it primarily your job, your spouse’s job, or a what your homecare responsibilities will be—it’s shared job?)

Household task How often? How long? Who does it? Managing / Home •

23 24 • Managing / Home Utah MarriageHandbook Tips for Managing A little planning can go along way. Working out What can children do? Tip #1•Prioritize. Housework Together work” not is often fair. as viewed division A wiser work.” Most couples today are dual-earner thewell as their health relationship. of Making a “inside work” and men doing the periodic “outside One of the challengesOne of for busy dual-earner Divide by tasks abilities, interests, and needs done and when? jobs Some are clearly more managing themanaging “second shift.” to hire someone to help clean the house, most the other may not know about. the one suggested on pg. benefitboth 23—can relationships. be While would solution one problem asource is stress of many in necessary household work done without cutting rather than simply by “men’s work” and “women’s plan can help also clarify who doing is work that individual preference. important than others. What must get done into personal, couple, and family time. This spouses in terms of their personal terms in spouses well-being of as couples can’t afford this. Here aresome tips on of tasks allows tasks forof balanced sharing and couples, and the pattern women doing of the all each day? What can wait until the weekend? couples out carving enough is time to get the a plan of responsibilitya plan of for household jobs—like Tip #3•Divide tasks Tip #2•Make aplan. by abilities, interests, and needs. What really needs to be

Tip flexible. #5•Be Tip #4•Ban micromanaging. way without criticism. In different the of case for ahousehold job might reveal some hidden talent or creativity. that whoever the does can task or do it her his standards, partners can work to reach a every nowevery and then boredom. to minimize Also, compromise that both can live with. allowing the other person to take responsibility Switch household jobs Make arule Keys to a Healthy Marriage

Managing Children Having children is clearly something to discuss with your spouse before you marry. Do you expect to have children with your spouse? How many?

Once you’ve decided you will have a child, you’ll need to discuss with your spouse what your solutions for work and childcare may be.

Will one of you stay home after the Adding a baby to the family represents a child is born? If so, who? If so, major life change for most couples. Children can for how long? • bring new meaning and depth to a family. While Will you work at home? children certainly bring joy, most couples find • that responsibilities, routines, and relationships Will you ask family members outside change in some ways after the baby comes. Many of the home to provide childcare? couples notice that parenthood sets off some ripples • of relationship dissatisfaction for at least a couple Will you hire someone from outside of years after the baby arrives. For dual-earner the home to provide childcare? couples, the arrival of a child often changes the • Will you trade childcare with a employment status of at least one partner. Even friend or neighbor? when these changes are desired and planned, they • can be accompanied by negative feelings, maybe Will you use the services of a even depression. To add to the challenge, young daycare center? babies often pick up and respond negatively to • stress, and this adds to the new parents’ What are the advantages and problems. disadvantages of each option? According to the authors of Becoming Parents: How to Strengthen Your Marriage as Your Family Having children brings changes to a marriage. Grows, new parents like Sharon and Jim often “We really wanted the baby,” Sharon says, her show four related signs of stress: they keep score, eyes brimming with tears. “And we still do. It their focus narrows, they resent pressures of the just feels like we’ve grown farther apart since she outside world, and they lose their perspective. came.” Jim pipes in: “Between our jobs and caring for little Samantha, there’s not much time for They keep score. anything else.” When stress levels are high, people begin noticing and comparing how much work they’re The writer Nora Ephron summed it up pretty Managing / Children • well, saying, “When you have a baby, you set doing with what they think their partner is doing. off an explosion in your marriage, and when the This is always dangerous because while Sharon dust settles, your marriage is different from is well aware of all that she is doing, it is hard for what it was. Not better, necessarily; not worse, her to see everything that Jim is doing! And the necessarily; but different.” things that Sharon does always seem more difficult and important to her than those that Jim

25 26 • Managing / Children Utah MarriageHandbook Their narrows. focus When life gets intensely stressful with many with anymore. him When they finallytalked Sharon felt that she could barely make contact Sharon tries to keep until quiet she can remind and their worldand may their shrinks. They feel they don’t feel very resentful. Jim focusing began more and demands, many people respond by focusing on does. Lately, when shekeeping finds herself score, more on work the in months after the baby came. have time to relax, have fun, or do things in hobby). to even out over time. thatherself Jim working is hard as she as is. Both problem because the other partner to may begin being provider. agood During this emotional she and Jim have decided that the score likely is other their lives. areas course, of Of this can a be their lives of one (often aspect the baby, work, a over life. his conversation, Jim promised to not let work take about this, Jim shocked. was He felt that he was This oneThis area to edge out others, begins the

What used little tobe things can sometimes look They resent thepeople, pressures, and activities They lose theirperspective. Jim aneat-freak, as had never thought himself of Previously accepted standards may have to shift. were no more frequent than before the baby. She with Jim, Sharon realized that the family dinners what it felt like! After cooling down and talking Because time tight is and sleep precious, is new sources support. of Sharon. “Can’t you at least get this mess cleaned Sharon went back to work and the newly walking unbearably large arrival after ofalittle the one. felt constantly irritated. One day he blew up at dinners far too often. The resentment until built of the outsideof world. just asomewhat-cleaner-than-averagejust guy. When her sister and mother were planning big family remember that sources ofpressure can alsobe parents often feel overwhelmed by what to used that the making messes way part is of that just- realized that she really cherished those chances to trying tothem stretch of her too thin. That’s relationships alive. relationships is to cut off those topressures,is off cut andis hard it to be normalbe ties social and activities. The tendency up?” After some time for cooling off, Jim realized baby wreaking began havoc on the house, Jim best to realistic set boundaries but keep the see other family members. She and Jim worked she blew up at them one morning and accused out aplan for attending some, but maybe not all, the dinners. For this young family, it worked Sharon noticing began that

Keys to a Healthy Marriage

walking babies learn about the world and that Sharon only made it home an hour before him. In the end, he decided that it was really not a big deal, certainly not worth his energy nor hurting Sharon. These problems are hard to avoid completely, but it can help to recognize them and try to have realistic expectations.

When difficulties do arise, expert John Gottman has some advice: stay calm, speak nondefensively with your partner, and take the time to express understanding of his or her position. Some couples have difficulty communicating when they’re having a disagreement. When couples decide to talk about conflicts, they should avoid put-downs and negative assumptions about their partner. Rather than waiting for conflicts to occur, prevention is a wise investment.

New parents in dual-earner families are often especially challenged to find time to focus on their relationship, and many feel guilty when they do take the time. Setting aside some time, even small amounts throughout the day and week, can be very nourishing for a relationship strained by Recommended Reading a loved but needy new child. Once the new baby has settled into a reasonably predictable pattern, Becoming Parents: How to Strengthen Your new parents can actually plan some little dates Marriage as Your Family Grows. 1999. Pamela throughout the day. These can be as brief as five Jordan, Scott Stanley & Howard Markman. Jossey-Bass, publisher. minutes (a morning snuggle, an evening bath after baby falls asleep, and/or a brief but sincere What Children Learn from the Parents’ “how was your day” followed by active listening Marriage: It may be your Marriage but it’s your Child’s Blueprint for Intimacy. 2000. Judith P. to the response). Finding ways to have fun and Siegal. Harper Collins, publisher. nurture friendship is important. While some Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. 1994. John dual-earner new parents feel guilty about spending Gottman. Simon & Schuster, publisher. nonworking time away from their child, keep in mind that a healthy relationship between two parents is the best gift they can give their child. The parents’ relationship with one another has been called the child’s blueprint for his or her future Managing / Children • relationships. It makes sense to invest in keeping your relationship strong even when time is tight.

* Information in this section was adapted from Intentional Harmony, by A. Wiley, University of Illinois. 27 28 • Managing / In-Laws Utah MarriageHandbook Take afew minutes following toanswer the questions Managing In-Laws Our parentsOur and other our extended members of with yourspouse about and yourthoughts feelings about yourin-laws. family can sources be support—and sources of of stress.of become caregivers ofyour parents orin-laws? By whattitlesdoyou address your in-laws? If so, how willthataffect your relationship? If anelderly parent orin-law needstolive Which motherismostlikely tobeasked Do thetitlesyou useindicateyour types In thelateryears oflife, are you likely to parents/in-laws would likely betheleast ______Otherextendedfamily member _____ Brother-in-law _____ Sister-in-law _____ Stepmother-in-law _____ Stepfather-in-law _____ Mother-in-law _____ Father-in-law likelihood ofbeingproblematic inyour with your family, whichofyour elderly Which setofin-laws ismostlikely to Rank thefollowing peopleastotheir Which motherismostlikely togive Are you satisfiedwith your in-law stressful to have living withyou? give you aidorany kindofhelp? relationships? Why orwhy not? relationship withyour spouse. for child-rearing advice? child-rearing advice? of relationships? • • • • • • •

Asking your parents or in-laws for advice okay, is If youIf have adifficult relationship with inyour Having your own place acrucial is step toward Know what to call them. you and the parents with whom you are living. Be independentBe together. Get your own place.couples, Some reason for one Seek approval.Seek make your own decisions regarding such issues laws, it can have some devastating consequences the approval your parents of and your spouse’s have your in marriage. Try these suggestions for together parents. by living with one of set This names. Finding help this out you will feel more they would like you to call them. might Some support. term parents for your marriage. you If have their rarely works out well. It both difficult be will for prefer that you call them Mom and Dad, but independence and marital happiness. building astrong relationship with your in-laws. security and stability you and your will spouse on your marriage. The more mutual andrespect or another, decide to start their married lives change over time. comfortable with one another. Also, this may others might prefer you call them by their first own nuclear family. You and your should spouse appreciation you have for your in-laws, the more approval, you’re more likely to have their long- as schooling,as finances, children, and employment. If you If aren’t yet married, seek Ask your in-laws what You are your beginning Keys to a Healthy Marriage

but make sure you and your spouse make the final Appreciate them. Be sure to thank your in-laws decisions together. for anything they do for you, including being the parents of the spouse you love. Set boundaries together. When you get married, it is a good idea for you and your spouse to set Avoid financial puppetry. Remember that boundaries so that in-laws are clear about your financial support from in-laws could have strings time and privacy limits. This may involve a attached, and you may end up feeling like they’re discussion of how often and how long you visit using those strings to manipulate you. Know each other’s families, whether it is okay for them what strings, if any, are attached to their support, to drop by your home unannounced, or whether and abide by those expectations, or don’t accept weekly family dinners together are too much. the money to begin with. Politely letting your parents know how you feel Focus on their strengths. As with all relationships, will help them know when and how often they’re it is always best not to focus on the negatives. welcome in your new home. Also, it is important Accept any differences that exist, and look for that each of you present your ideas directly to your positive attributes. own parents. * Information in this section was adapted from Saying I Do: Consider Share some activities. Identify some social and/or the Possibilities, by J. Marshall, Utah State University Extension. recreational activities that both you and your in- laws enjoy. Doing some things with your in-laws will help you get to know them better and feel more comfortable with them. Managing / In-Laws •

29 Remarriages

3 Special Topics / Remarriages Re Remarriages marriages Myths & Realities About 50 percent of all marriages in a year are remarriages for one or both spouses. Remarriages and marriages that form stepfamilies (one or both spouses have children from a previous relationship) are more complex from the start. It’s vital that couples forming stepfamilies learn some specific information about how to build healthy stepfamilies.

Take the following quiz, and see if you can identify what is reality, or true, and what is a myth, or false.

True False 1. Attachment between stepparent and stepchildren needs to occur quickly. 2. Children ages 9 to 15 usually have the most difficult time adjusting to a new stepfamily. 3. Children of divorce and remarriage are forever damaged. 4. The stories and myths about wicked stepmothers do not affect today’s stepfamilies. 5. It is not unusual for a stepfamily to take at least 4 years or more to feel like a solid family unit. 6. It helps stepfamily adjustment if the nonresidential parent withdraws. 7. Living in a stepfamily formed after a parent dies is easier than living in a stepfamily formed after a divorce. 8. Part-time stepparenting is easier than full-time stepparenting. 9. A strong couple relationship is an important part of forming a strong stepfamily. 10. A stepparent living with a stepchild has the same legal rights as the biological parent.

Answers • The biological parent should not expect the stepparent to feel the way he or she does about 1. False: More than likely, attachment between a biological child. stepparent and stepchildren won’t happen right away. It takes time, often years, for family members • In general, the older the children the longer the to get used to, accept, and adapt to different family process of adjustment. histories, rules, routines, and individual habits, attitudes, values, and rituals. The more new relationships to 2. True: Older children have the most history be formed, the more time it will take. Keep the with biological parents and typically have the Myths & Realities • following in mind. following characteristics, making it more difficult for them to adjust to a stepfamily. • The stepparent should not expect to take a parental or disciplinarian role with stepchildren in the • Developmentally, they are very self-focused and beginning years. may think you’ve messed up their lives with all these changes.

31 32 • Strategies for Stepparenting Utah MarriageHandbook There isalotofvariation—and well despiteincreased riskstotheirwell-being. of divorced parents (more than80percent) do 3. • Younger thinkwithlesscomplexity. children They • They are mostsusceptibletoloyalty conflict • They havethecapacitytofocus onwhatothers Answers (continued) 5. True 5. stereotypical thinkingwiththeirchildren. preconceived notionsaboutrelationships and and affect everyday life. Parents shoulddiscuss : False Stereotypes4. cansetupexpectations and/or remarriage. development afterthey’ve divorce experienced children’sfamilies andcommunities candotosupport parent diesorifthecoupledivorces. are nolegaltiestostepchildren ifthe biological formally given by thebiological parent. Also, there unlessauthorizationis authorize medicalservices Stepparents cannotsignconsentforms or recognized aslegalcaretakers oftheirstepchildren. 10.: Stepparents are False notautomatically are key tosuccessfulstepfamily living. working tobuildstrengths inthecouplerelationship vulnerable. Taking timetogether asacoupleand and theweakest link and therefore isthemost True 9. thisrole. andthestepparent supports disciplinarian parent and the biological parent istheprimary time residents ofahousehold. Itworksbestif even lessclearwhenstepchildren are part- : False 8. The role ofthestepparent isusually professional help. time toprocess aparent’s death. Mostwillneedsome toward thestepparent. It’s to allow achild important The childmay alsofeel jealousyorresentment standard thatthestepparent cannotlive upto. build fantasiesaboutthatparent andmay have a : False 7. A childwhohashadaparent diemay from contactwithbothbiological parents. other parent. Unlessthere isabuse, benefits achild parent, heorshemay buildfantasiesaboutthat : False 6. When achildhasnocontactwith expectation. Moststepfamilies take years toadjust. stepfamily doesnotexist—thatisanunrealistic accepting more thantwoparents. are andopento oftenmore willingtobeinclusive what theymean. relationships andactivelyprocess andthinkabout Developmentally, focused on teensare very dilemmas (feeling caughtbetweentheirparents). and theremarriage. think. They mayfeel embarrassed by thedivorce :False It’s toknowthat mostchildren important : Instantlove orinstantblendingofa : The couplerelationship isthenewest there isalotthat a larger role lives. in their until children the are ready for stepparent the totake done, biological but parent the retains final the say stepparent that input the gives is into things how are biological parent’s view. point of Ahelpful model the hear and more gentle,a stance nonjudgmental stepparent’s input, but stepparents need to take need to take time to hear and understand the necessary. is A discussion Biological parents discipline the in home right from the beginning. easy” on the children and want to enforce stricter Sometimes stepparents seetheir as spouses “too usually is so this doomed tofailure. notoften ready for astepparent in adisciplinarian role, The couple should realize,however, that children are and often the biological parent this. favor in is of children, taking over to provide order and discipline the parent who’s having been ahard time with the sometimes feel compelled to step a as in “savior” for yourDiscuss role with your spouse. Stepparents okay to feel closer to some than others. have with each family member and realize that it is members are satisfied In stepfamilies, it’s most important that family can different be closeness levels of for each pair. samethe level ofconnection toeach other. There in stepfamilies, infamily the everyone where feels treated respectfully.is There rarelyblending perfect a behavior usually results astepparent’s in being her feelings, concerns, and desires. Modeling this toward your stepchild by acknowledging or his many years with. In turn, behave respectfully way he or she cares for aparent they’ve spent but you cannot achild expect to care for you the , and this yourspouse should emphasize you help from stepchildren. You can respectful expect behavior, relationship. stepchild Develop realistic expectations for astepparent/ studying the patterns successful of stepfamilies. children. Below are some tips developed from the approachdiscuss take parenting in they’ll their and “marriage” stepfamilies, in that vital it is couples Because the carriage”“baby came before the “love” Strategies for Stepparenting with closeness the level they of Don’t instant expect love

Special Topics / Remarriages

Determine the roles of the primary parent and Even if the children are young when the the secondary parent. Parenting usually includes stepfamily is formed, it is not always a straight having disciplinary power. A stepparent should path toward two primary parents. It is not take his/her time with this, especially with older uncommon for a couple to choose to revert to children and teens. The biological parent should primary/secondary parental roles during adolescence. remain the primary disciplinarian in the early This can serve to protect the stepparent/stepchild years of stepfamily development. When both relationship. Adolescence is usually a challenging biological and stepparent are present, discipline time for parents, and the biological parent/child is best administered by the biological parent relationship is usually more resilient in the face of until the child is ready to accept the stepparent these challenges. as a disciplinarian. When the biological parent is Remember, though, that not present, the stepparent operates much like a secondary parenting This is an important babysitter or an aunt or uncle. You are an adult doesn’t mean “second-class.” issue for stepparents. Within the implementation in charge, but you are not the parent. You enforce of these suggestions for the primary/secondary the rules of the house; for example, you say, “This parenting team in stepfamilies, is the rule of the house. Homework is done the biological before television.” parent should ensure that the stepparent is treated respectfully. You can respond to “You’re not my parent,” with Learn about child development. If you are not “Yes. You are right. You have a mom and a dad, a biological parent or if your own children are and I’m not going to replace either one of them. younger than your spouse’s children, read up You and I are going to get to know each other a on child development. bit at a time. Meanwhile, though, I’m the adult in Realistic expectations for charge here tonight, and the rule is no television children’s behavior is an important starting point It is not an for until homework is done.” when dealing with children. excuse inappropriate behavior, but it often provides As children get more comfortable, a stepparent some understanding of what might be going on can become more of a primary disciplinarian. and what the child’s capabilities are. Follow the child’s lead—do not force parental status. This information might help you determine As time goes by, you and your spouse can help what are stepfamily issues and what are the children understand that just as a parent developmental issues. Often, stepparents assume can have more than two children and care for that inappropriate behavior is directed at them each in a special way, so can a child have more than because they are the stepparent. If you look closer, two parents and respect and care for each in a the biological parent is probably receiving similar special way. treatment, and the child’s developmental stage A rule of thumb is that a child’s age is the has more to do with the behavior.

number of years it may take for the stepparent Strategies for Stepparenting • Develop the relationships in the family one- to transition into full parental status; therefore, to-one. In the early years of the stepfamily, for children who are adolescents when the the stepparent should focus on building a stepfamily forms, it is probaby not realistic to relationship with of the stepchildren expect that a stepparent will ever serve in a full each individually. Although doing things as a family parental role—and that’s okay. The stepparent seems like a good idea, for stepfamilies, it’s can still be an important, loving, respected adult actually better to plan one-to-one activities to in the child’s life. build and strengthen relationships. Try to find

33 34 • Strategies for Stepparenting Utah MarriageHandbook This This can go a long wayin easing conflicts and Acknowledge that two achild can part be of It then is easier for them to hear what you have with differentviews and behavior,patterns of (“I’m jealous.”),(“I’m take adeep breath. yourself; Calm Empathize. your spouselong not badmouth parent. As other the first, first, your child into aspoiled brat!”). When dealing you respond with your view. point of is not This allow biological parent the tomaintain regular alone Stepfamily living brings together different in the other person’sin other the empathize. Both place—to understand stepfamily do other you as members for the children, it important is and that you both defensive, important it is yourself to to try put do you mean you don’t sort the small forks from times with each childwell. as that relationship. that the large ones?”)—to major (“You’re turning many differences—fromseemingly (“What small histories, and family members usually deal with trying to get them tounderstand them toget Whentrying you. your reaching compromise. the child’s feelings for and relationship with the the agreeing. same as It simply is letting the other then tell them what you do understand before not return this support, continue to validate to say. Try to yourselves imagine each in other’s nonresidential parent and should supported be in households. person know you hear and understand or him her. position. basketball practices and games. Also, to remember or being the one to take your stepdaughter to empathize with the other’s feelings and situations. adult partner your in stepson’s Boy Scout group activity with your stepchild—such being the as activities that are unique—that can become “your” spouse orspouse child tells you something threatening adults and children stepfamilies in should to try other parent. This approach a has muchbetter or mentally, the child should spend time with the as there’sas no threat to the child either physically spend as much time and energy trying to trying much as spend time and energy Although it can normal be to feel In order to prevent loyalty conflicts Even the other if parent does

* You and your should spouse continually speak That be must really confusing for you. Most kids Also talk in aneutral in talk Also tone about differences TV time limited, is but you are allowed to have To avoid becoming this statistic, part of it is If theIf other parent behaves badly, acknowledge would find that hard.I’m sorry he feels that way. well with each other. Work on the marriage itself, Hopefully, with time that might change.” vulnerable. the mainreasons One couples of you can watch much as TV you as want, but you you. We’re getting to know each other astep at a Embrace theJourney Strengthen the couple relationship. or quiz them about the other parent’s aboutor quiz other them the activities. children in conflictswith nonresidential the parent dad say does bad things about me sometimes. couple relationship couple two separate rules. of sets your dad’s“In house, the behavior aneutral in tone; for example, “Your time, and over time, become Ihope we’ll closer rules rarely is achieved. Children can adjust to redivorce due is to problems with stepchildren. relationship the in family and therefore the most relationship creates the family, yet it’s the newest in waysin that help your children sort out feelings relationship. the issues presented stepfamily as issues are build in time to nurture your your important nurture to that time you in build between households. household Consistency of snacks other you in rooms clean if up afterward.” stepchild you than someone speak badly if he of can’t eat the in family room. In this house, your else youelse love or like. Iknow I’m brand to new of “split loyalties.” “You’ll always love your daddy, stepfamily issues go much more smoothly. Often, or she cares about. In don’t the involve addition, chance enhancing your of relationship with your and closer.and ” alwaysand he’ll your be daddy, no matter who actually markers the the couple qualityof of find that the andnegotiations you’ll around Information inthissectionwasadapted from , by F. Adler-Baeder. and that you communicate The couple Smart Steps: Coparenting with Expartners • 35 from Intimate • assumptions Many • Unspoken/unwritten expectations • Informal • High emotional intensity and personal involvement • personal privacy Low • High personal disclosure In healthy patterns patterns healthy In Special Topics / Remarriages Topics Special Ricci (1997). adapted Businesslike Businesslike • No assumptions •contracts Explicit agreements, • structured courtesies, Formal specific meetings, interactions, agendas • emotional intensity and Low personal involvement • High personal privacy • personal disclosure Low by I. by , section was section this in Information Mom’s House, Dad’s House Mom’s House,

* of partner and family transitions, two biological biological two transitions, of family and partner coparenting relationship is you that relationship to ensure coparenting cooperative relationships with your children’s children’s your with relationships cooperative parent(s). other getting back at the other parent. Conflict between between Conflict parent. other the at back getting move from from move together longer no are who parents businesslike relationship. may use late child-support payments as a form of as a form payments child-support use late may stressful children, the for is stressful households for the adults, and stressful for your marriage. marriage. your for stressful and adults, the for an intimate relationship to a nonemotional, more more to a nonemotional, relationship intimate an are appropriately separated from the other from parent separated appropriately are andappropriately connected. It is important for everyone, therefore, to build build to therefore, everyone, for is important It An important first step in managing the the in managing step first An important ot ot n ,

. 2017. estimates are that half half that are estimates uccessful stepfamilies uccessful s f t’s important for a stepparent a stepparent for important t’s ome experts believe that soon that believe experts ome i , dults in this country are parenting parenting are country in this dults a f Recommended Resources Recommended f Because stepfamilies are formed differently differently formed are stepfamilies Because National Stepfamily Resource Center Resource National Stepfamily www.stepfamilies.info Stepfamily Relationships: Development, Dynamics, and Interventions Lawrence Ganong & Marilyn Coleman. Springer, publisher. m. etimes. S and his or her spouse to think through and plan plan and through think spouse to his her or and about stepfamily development together. Discuss together. development stepfamily about growing at such a rate that that a rate such at growing continue to deal with the other biological parent parent biological other the with deal to continue exspouse). or of expartner an (usually a child for difficult it make may parent One challenging. especially for stepfamilies. Take a marriage a marriage Take stepfamilies. for especially or therapy family Utilize class. education present issues when on early counseling based on models o based models on stepfamilies will be the most common family family common will most be the stepfamilies is someone knowledgeable in stepfamily in stepfamily knowledgeable is someone run more smoothly and can create a healthy a healthy create can and smoothly more run their interactions with the children in the family family in the children the with interactions their parenting plan and philosophy. Take a class a class Take philosophy. and plan parenting nonbiological children—and the numbers are are numbers the children—and nonbiological complex more the other parent to visit the child. Another parent parent Another child. visit the to parent other the how you each see the other’s role. Discuss your Discuss your role. other’s see the each you how therapist or counselor the sure Make themselves. their li for usually are they because and families first from formation andformation dynamics. of all Americans will be in a step relationship in in Americansof all a step will be relationship in Coparenting with Expartners with Coparenting first families. These actions can help a stepfamily stepfamily a help can These actions families. first Find resources and use them early on. Read on. early use them and resources Find environment for the adults and the children in environment for the adults and the children the family (Papernow & Adler-Baeder. 2003). Millions o Millions In many new marriages, one or both of you will of both or one you new marriages, many In These coparenting relationships can often be often can relationships coparenting These 36 • Coparenting with Expartners Utah MarriageHandbook There maybe times whendirect communication It to useful consider also is the range coparenting of Cooperative coparents can speak directly to each is that they move that they upis and acontinuum down of fail. You should consider moving toward more coparenting coparenting, direct communication, such face as to face or by difference parenting between parallel that someone neutral present is or they’re a in the inevitable conflicts that can arise. The main neutral place when they’re communicating directly. phone. Instead, they put things writing in or ensure relationship ideal, is reality the for most parents practices. a Although initiates conflict (suchas a remarriage), and all goingis well and then something occurs that between parents. Parallel parents communicate of parenting. of other more frequently about the business only when absolutely necessary and have little attempts to communicate effectively repeatedly your tobuildastrong efforts andstablemarriage. of 15ormore may threaten your marriage, asoverinvolvement caninterfere withanexpartner with is thatyou have anover-involved andinappropriately connected, coparenting relationship. A score Add upthenumbers associated with eachofyour responses. The higheryour score, themore likely it We donottelleachother agreat dealofpersonalinformation. We eachmaintainahighlevel ofpersonalprivacy. Our relationship emotionally isvery intense. We are informal very witheachother. We are soclosewe donotneedtotalkaboutourexpectations. I make lotsofassumptionsaboutmy child’s otherparent. (N), agree (A), orstrongly agree (SA). is mostlike yours. yourresponses tothestatementsbelow Circle asstrongly disagree (SD), disagree (D), neither Coparenting is the is interaction amount and of type depending mostly on how they manage -Rateyourlevel ofinvolvement withyourchild’s relationship model otherparent toseewhich cooperative coparenting and cooperative and SD SD SD SD SD SD (5) (5) (1) (1) (1) (1) (4) (4) (2) (2) (2) (2) D D D D D D (3) (3) (3) (3) (3) (3) N N N N N N Coparenting Cooperative Parenting Parallel (2) (2) (4) (4) (4) (4) A A A A A A (1) (1) (5) (5) (5) (5) SA SA SA SA SA SA Coparenting with Expartners • 37

Special Topics / Remarriages Topics Special This is what is best for you, your your you, for is Thisbest what is directly with each each with directly parent’s new partner. parent’s as well. other parent will start following the guidelines the will following start parent other You cannot control the control cannot You family. your and children, other methods of communicating information. adjust can she or he physically, and emotionally Stop and separate so that so that separate and Stop intense. too becomes it is best to take a longer time-out from direct time-out direct from a longer take is to it best discuss to if issue. an need you right things, chances are much greater that the the that greater much are chances things, right to different parenting styles and rules between rules between and styles parenting different to households. other is not. parent the child’s if frustrated become face-to-face communication for a while and use and a while for communication face-to-face guidelines as well. these respect to family If you keep doing the the doing actions keep of the other If you parent. you both can calm down. If this pattern continues, continues, pattern If this down. calm can both you you’re doing. you’re Pick your battles. As long as the child is safe, is safe, child as the As long battles. your Pick Often, parents who are following these types these of rules following Often, who are parents Tip #10 • Call a time-out a discussion when Tip Tip #11 • Allow for each other’s parenting styles. styles. parenting other’s each for Allow #11 • Tip skills good communication #12 • Practice Tip of members your and new partners Ask #13 • Tip keep doing what what to keepjust is doing recommendation The Tip #9 • Communicate #9 • Communicate Tip other about the children children the about other instead of with the other of other instead the with

Cooperative coparenting

relationships. each other’s new other’s each Tip #8 • Respect #8 • Respect Tip keep conflict away away conflict keep Tip #1 • Agree to to Agree #1 • Tip from your children. your from connection with the other parent. other the with connection choose between you and the other parent. other the and you between choose other down, particularly in front of children. the in front particularly down, other coparents, no matter what the level and style style and level the what matter no coparents, of coparenting. requires face-to-face contact between parents and and face-to-face between parents contact requires particularly when the children are present. are children the when particularly respect the other parent. Encourage their parent. other the respect remarks. be in danger. Safety is the primary Safety goal. danger. be in to re-establish your previous level of cooperative of cooperative level your previous to re-establish parallel parenting and make attempts make over time and parenting parallel coparenting. occurred between parents. Cooperative coparenting coparenting Cooperative between parents. occurred is not appropriate when domestic violence when has domestic is appropriate not should not be used if one parent feels he or she may he she may or feels parent one if be used not should Don’t use the children as messengers. children use the Don’t Don’t use sarcasm or make snide or hurtful hurtful or snide make or use sarcasm Don’t Tip #7 • Send messages to each other directly. other each to #7 • Send messages Tip Tip #6 • Encourage your children to love and and love to children your #6 • Encourage Tip Tip #3 • Say positive things about each other, other, each about things positive #3 • Say Tip keep. can’t you promises make #4 • Don’t Tip must they feel children the make #5 • Don’t Tip Tip #2 • Use respectful words, and don’t put each each put don’t and words, respectful #2 • Use Tip The following are some suggestions for all for suggestions some are following The A cautionary note: Tips for Coparenting Coparenting for Tips Issues thathurtrelationships

4 Special Topics / Issues that Hurt Relationships

Issues That Hurt relationships Relationships Substance Abuse, Gambling, & Other Addictions Addictions of any kind hurt relationships. They hurt children, too. If you or your spouse is a habitual or binge drinker in amounts that interfere with work and/or relationships, abuses drugs of any kind, or gambles frequently and uncontrollably, then professional help is needed. When treatment works—and it often does—your life will turn around, and your relationship with your spouse will improve.

Mental Health Problems Mental health problems are very common and are nothing to be ashamed of. If you or your spouse is feeling depressed or down for more than a couple of weeks, ever talks about suicide, is constantly worried or anxious, or seems out of touch with reality, professional help is needed. Treatment for depression and other mental health issues is often successful. Support your spouse by acknowledging the problem without blame.

Sexual Infidelity Choices you make at work, on the internet, and in social settings can lead to infidelity. Unfaithfulness, or cheating, can ruin relationships. The strength of your marriage and the trust between you can be broken and even destroyed when there is actual or perceived fooling around, flirting, or secretive relationships with others. If there is an act of infidelity, it is important to be open and honest when talking about the situation and to get professional help. Only you two can decide together if this experience will end your Issues that Hurt • Issues that Hurt marriage or if you will work together to rebuild the trust that is vital for healthy marriages.

39 Utah Marriage Handbook DomesticViolence

5 Special Topics / Domestic Violence

Makes you feel like you’re walking on Domestic Violence eggshells to keep the peace • Domestic violence is physical, mental, sexual, Makes you feel like a prisoner in your own home Violence or emotional abuse in an intimate relationship. • It occurs when one person uses abusive tactics Yells at you frequently and calls you hurtful names to gain power and control over a partner or • former partner. Is unpredictable or has sudden mood swings • Domestic violence hits homes in every community. Threatens you with violence It has a devastating effect on victims, children, • families, and communities. Breaks or hits things in your presence • If you are a victim, you can get help by calling Gives you hateful or threatening looks the Utah Domestic Violence Link line toll-free, 24 • hours a day at 1-800-897-5465. There are safe Shoves, slaps, or hits you shelters across the state for you and your children, • Abuses your children as well as many other services. • There is no excuse for domestic violence. If your Keeps you from seeing friends or family spouse engages in one or several of the behaviors • Hurts your pets listed on this page, it may be an indication that • you’re in an abusive relationship, and you should Follows you, spies on you, or shows up at carefully evaluate your relationship and talk with your job, school, or friends’ homes a professional who can help. • Listens to your phone calls or keeps you from using the phone • Is forceful with affection and/or sex • Accuses you of having affairs • Controls all the money and gives you little or none • Keeps you from getting or keeping a job • Pushes you to make a commitment before you feel ready • Has a history of battering in other relationships • Gets very angry or upset with you often and Domestic Violence • then apologizes with gifts, flowers, and promises

* Information in this section was adapted from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

41 42 • Domestic Violence Utah MarriageHandbook victims of domestic violence. on Violence andtheFamily, 1996.) Men are also Psychological Association Presidential Task Force Violence and the Family:the Report of American adulthood. at least one physical assault by apartner during F Domestic violence not does affect manypeople. Myth #1 —about domestic violence. The following aresome myths—and the facts Violence Domestic about Myths &Facts gis DomesticViolence, Against act Montgomery, AL 36101 The Alabama Coalition The Alabama : N Calls you namesprivately or where you go. Limitsyour Chart courtesy of courtesy Chart outside involvement and who you seeandtalkto, early early in public. Putsyou down Controls whatyou do, and makes you feel bad about yourself. Tries to make you thinkyou’re Emotional Abuse Emotional Abuse what you read, and P.O. Box 4762, crazy. Tries tomake ( uses jealousyas American PsychologicaAmerican one one you feel guilty. justification. Isolation Isolation in threein adult women experiences

Makes lightoftheabuse harass you. Threatens to relays messagesthrough Denies abuseoccurred. them. Usesvisitationto

about thechildren and and doesn’t take your Makes you feel guilty Denial & Blame Denial &Blame take thechildren by hfs responsibility Shifts ocr seriously. concern charging you with

for theabuseby l Association, blaming you. elc and neglect Uses the Uses the Children e Sex us ua abuse. b l, CONTROL POWER & P A l h

a y

n s

Federal Bureau Investigation, of 1990.) terrorizing factor. (Uniform Crime Reports, often, but it remains ahidden and as constant another person.violence The may not happen isolation, and others, to coerce and control intimidation, threats, abuse, psychological violence behaviors,of and aseries of including other abuse. forms of The batterer uses acts and fear arelationship in through violence and Facts Battering only is amomentary temper. loss of Myth #2 c o

weapons. Displays Abuses pets. destroys your property. Smashes thingsand actions, andgestures. Frightens you withlooks, Intimidation

women’s roles. enforces men’s and decisions. Definesand servant. Makes allthebig and treats you like a Acts like themaster Privilege Male

, o

: Battering the is establishment control of V

b d a l n

a an allowance ormakes you or keeping ajob. Gives you money. Doesn’t allow you ask for money. Takes your commit suicide, orreport Coercion &Threats access tofamily income. you drop chargesordo to know aboutorhave Threatens toharmyou. Prevents your getting you towelfare. Makes Threatens toleave,

Two-thirds of women physically assaulted by Where to Get Help an intimate said they were victimized multiple No one, married or single, deserves or has to put times by the same partner in a 12-month period. up with abuse. All 50 states have laws and shelters (National Violence Against Women Survey, that protect individuals from abusive spouses. July 2000.) Help is available if you just ask.

Myth #3 If something about your relationship with your Domestic violence only occurs in poor, urban areas. spouse scares you and you need to talk, call the Facts: Women of all cultures, races, occupations, National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800- income levels, and ages are battered by husbands, 799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). boyfriends, lovers, and partners (Surgeon General Assistance may also be obtained by e-mailing Antonia Novello, as quoted in Domestic Violence: the National Domestic Violence Hotline at Battered Women, publication of the Reference [email protected], though this is not an emergency Department of the Cambridge Public Library, e-mail contact. Help and information can also Cambridge, MA.) be requested by contacting the Utah Domestic Approximately one-third of the men counseled Violence Council at 801-521-5544. Resources (for battering) at Emerge (Perpetrator’s for adults, teens, and children are available at Intervention Program) are professional men www.udvc.org. who are well respected in their jobs and their * The above information is from the Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence Web site (www.acadv.org) and is used with communities. These have included doctors, permission thereof. For more facts about domestic violence visit psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/. executives. (For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA, 1990.)

Myth #4 Domestic violence is just a push, slap, or punch; it Sources: Duluth Domestic Abuse does not produce serious injuries. Intervention Project, Duluth, MN Facts: More than one-third of all rapes and Getting Free, Ginny NiCarthy ©1986 physical assaults committed against women by Seal Press, Seattle,WA intimates result in injuries that require some medical care. (National Violence Against Women Survey, July 2000.)

Most research reports that violence against women escalates during pregnancy. One study found that 37 percent of obstetric patients were physically abused during pregnancy. (A. Helton, “Battering during pregnancy,” American Journal of Nursing, August 1986.) Domestic Violence • Each year, medical expenses from domestic violence total at least $3 to $5 billion. (Domestic Violence for Health Care Providers, 3rd Edition, Colorado Domestic Violence Coalition, 1991.)

43 44 • Resources Website: www.utcourts.gov and children. classes, mediation and divorce education for parents arrangements, disputes, civil divorce orientation Utah.in It provides also information on custody This websitehighlights marriage anddivorce laws Utah Resources Utah State Courts Website: stable families. professionals information andresources healthy andenduringmarriage.Theyprovide Their missionistohelppeopleformandsustaina Healthy MarriageInitiative Human ServicesontheirUtah Department of The UtahCommissiononMarriageadvisesthe Ut Website: http://extension.usu.edu lifetheir and economic qualityof well-being. educational programs that enable people to improve State University. Extension delivers research-based Extension the is primary outreach Utah arm of Utah Cooperative Extension System ah Co mmiss www.strongermarriage.org to supporthealthymarriagesand ion on

Marriage to (StrongerMarriage.org). Utah citizens

and Website: prepare studentsfortheadultworld. Adult RolesandFinancialLiteracyclassestohelp UBOE offers Adult RolesandResponsibilities Utah StateBoardofEducation(UBO DHS provides DHS Website: tips, small groups, Utah StateUniversityFood$ense for children, youth, children, for and healthy Free nutritioneducationisavailableinthehome, in Nutrition Education Utah Department Website: Website: www.ors.utah.gov and support for children care. in for their children by providing child support services ORS helps ensure parents are financially responsible Utahof Recovery Office Services(ORS) Website: https://jobs.utah.gov child care. trainings, and assistance with food, finances and families. includeServices job listings, w DWS provides many for services individuals and Utah Department of services and organizations that strive tostrengthenrelationships. thatstrive andorganizations services aboutotherUtah andinformation Call 211for referrals menu planning, food safetyandbudgeting. www.schools.utah.gov https://extension.usu.edu/foodsense https://hs.utah.gov/ successful or Utahns online. of Human Services Human of families

Workforce Services (DWS) lives. lives. assistance Lessons includeshopping and Services adults. to live to are orkforce orkforce E) safe, (DHS) available

Resources

National Extension Relationship Education Other Resources Network (NERMEN) The NERMEN website provides information on healthy relationship and resources available across the Extension system. NERMEN strives to support professionals who are working with youth and adults in relationship and marriage enrichment programming. Website: www.nermen.org

National Stepfamily Resource Center The National Stepfamily Resource Center’s Administration of Children and Families primary objective is to serve as a clearinghouse of Information on the Administration’s Healthy information, linking best practices and family Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood Initiative science research on stepfamilies. he center is available from the U.S. Department of Health T provides research-based resources for stepfamilies and Human Services. Website: https://www.acf.hhs.gov/ofa/programs/ and the professionals who work with them. healthy-marriage Website: www.stepfamilies.info

Therapist Locator Children Youth and Families Education and TherapistLocator.net is a public service of the Research Network (CYFERnet) American Association for Marriage and Family CYFERnet is a national network of land-grant therapy. The online directory assists in locating a university human development and family life marriage and family therapist. The directory faculty and county extension educators working to provides information on therapists’ office locations support community-based educational programs and availability, practice description, education, for children, youth, parents, and families. professional licenses, health plan participation, Research-based information on a wide variety of achievements and awards and languages spoken. family life topics can be found on their website. Website: www.therapistlocator.net Website: www.cyfernet.org

TwoOfUs.org National Association of Relationship and This website is maintained by the National Healthy Marriage Education Marriage Resource Center, a clearinghouse for NARME provides information for research- high quality, balanced and timely information and based educational programs. NARME educates resources on healthy relationships. It contains on best practices for marriage, parenting, and information, resources, and training for experts, fatherhood services. researchers, policymakers, media, marriage educators, Website: http://www.narme.org/ couples and individuals. Websites: www.twoofus.org eXtension www.healthymarriageinfo.org eXtension is an interactive learning environment delivering researched knowledge from experts Resources • across America. eXtension content is organized around resource areas. Websites: www.extension.org/parenting www.extension.org/personal_finance 45 www.extension.org/militaryfamilies www.extension.org/families_food_fitness

Handbook Reader Survey Please take a moment to provide feedback! Then, just fold and mail (it is pre- paid). You can also take this survey online at https://extension.usu.edu/marriagehandbook Where did you get this Handbook: Extension Office Marriage License Office School Church Online Other

I am: Female I am currently: Married Single Dating Engaged Male

I live with: My Parent(s) My Partner Friend(s)/Roommate(s) On My Own Other

Age: Number of Children: Number of Times Divorced:

Ethnicity: African-American/Black American Indian Asian/Pacific Islander Caucasian/White Hispanic/Latino Other

How much of the Handbook did you read? None A little Some A lot All My knowledge of healthy relationships improved: None A little Some A lot What specific tips stood out to you most?

(1) (4) How useful did you ﬁnd each section? Not Helpful Extremely Helpful Didn’t get to it 1. The section on how you think about relationships (expectations, etc.) 2. The section on how you interact and what you do (show care, talk together)

3. The section on managing money

4. The section on balancing work & family time

5. The section on housework

6. The section on children

7. The section on in-laws

8. The section on remarriages

9. The section on issues that hurt relationships

10. The section on domestic violence

11. The section on resources

What is your biggest relationship concern, problem or question right now?

Did the Handbook help with your concern, problem, or question? None A little Some A lot Would you recommend this Handbook to others? No Maybe Definitely IMPORTANT: DO NOT ENLARGE, REDUCE OR MOVE the FIM and barcodes. They are only valid as printed! Special care must be taken to ensure FIM and barcode are actual size AND placed properly on the mail piece to meet both USPS regulations and automation compatibility standards.

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UTAH MARRIAGE HANDBOOK 2710 OLD MAIN HILL UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY

LOGAN UT 84321-9830

Fold Here Fold Please use tape to seal. Do not staple. not Do seal. to tape use Please

Artwork for Letter, 1/2 fold, top print (10.875" x 8") Produced by DAZzle Designer 2009, Version 10.3.09 Layout: Folded Mailer- FCHD.LYT (c) 1993-2010, Endicia, www.Endicia.com September 29, 2011 , Serial # Utah State University is committed to providing an environment free from harassment and other forms of illegal discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age (40 and older), disability, and veteran’s status. USU’s policy also prohibits discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation in employment and academic related practices and decisions. Utah State University employees and students cannot, because of race, color, religion, sex, national origin, age, disability, or veteran’s status, refuse to hire; discharge; promote; demote; terminate; discriminate in compensation; or discriminate regarding terms, privileges, or conditions of employment, against any person otherwise qualified. Employees and students also cannot discriminate in the classroom, residence halls, or in on/off campus, USU- sponsored events and activities. This publication is issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture, Ken White, Vice President for Extension and Agriculture, Utah State University. TheUtah Handbook

Healthy Marriages, Healthy Families

FR/Marriage/2017

Published by the Utah Cooperative Extension System in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. An Equal Opportunity Educator and Employer. © 2017 by the Utah Cooperative Extension System. All rights reserved. Originally produced by the Alabama Cooperative Extension System (Publication HE-829). Adapted by permission. All rights to the original materials are reserved by the Alabama Cooperative Extension System. www.aces.edu