THE BIRDS By Aristophanes

Adapted by Sarah Long

June 11th, 2016

Bedford Hills, NY

"The Birds" - Final Version

SCENE 1: A desolated wilderness. In the background is a single tree and the sheer rock-face of a cliff. Enter, in the last stages of exhaustion, EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS. On his arm EUELPIDES has a PIGEON, PITHETAERUS has a CROW. EUELPIDES (to PIGEON) Straight ahead, croaker? Over by that tree? PITHETAERUS Damn this cracked Crow! He keeps cawing me backwards.

EUELPIDES (to PIGEON) Look, halfwit, you’re supposed to be guiding us!

If we don’t stop this zigzagging pretty soon, I’m through.

PITHETAERUS I must have been mad - that I should travel a hundred miles with only a crow giving me directions! EUELPIDES You’re mad. Look at me, man - hitched to a pigeon.

PITHETAERUS I’ll be damned if I know where we are. EUELPIDES Say, do you suppose we could find our way back home from here? PITHETAERUS I wouldn’t want to even if we could.

EUELPIDES (stumbling) Hell. 2. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS That’s just where we’re headed now, old man. EUELPIDES

(to CROW) A lot of good you are! (calling to PITHETAERUS, who is wandering about the stage, CROW is wandering through the audience) I told you we couldn’t trust that bird-seller. Telling us these dodos would just naturally lead us to the King of the Birds! I don’t think they ever heard of the King of the Birds. And if they did, I’ll bet they are disloyal. (PIGEON opens his mouth with a SQAWK!) Don’t open your face like that! You look anything but attractive.

(PIGEON head begins jutting toward edge of stage, CROW returns to PITHETAERUS) Where? Where? Over there? (his eyes glued to PIGEON,who points with his wing, EUELPIDES quickly moves in the indicated direction) All right. All right. I’m going. Keep showing me. That’s a.....

(he falls off the stage) you knew that! That’s what you had in mind! (begins to chase his bird. PITHETAERUS, who has been wandering, CROW is pecking at PITHETAERUS’ hands) Find something? What’s your bird doing? PITHETAERUS Biting my damn fingers off. EUELPIDES Any road up there? PITHETAERUS Nothing. No road anywhere. 3. "The Birds" - Final Version EUELPIDES Oh, dear. I haven’t got a nerve left.

(to AUDIENCE) I suppose you wonder what we’re doing here? I wonder, too. You probably think we are crazy. We are. We come from very good families. Legitimate. We were very respected people back home in Athens. Very fine city. You probably think we were thrown out. (shakes head) Just got up and left. Walked out. Still walking. We don’t hate Athens. Fine city. Rich, too. Every person has absolute freedom... to pay taxes. Every person has a constitutional... right to ruin himself. Of course, the town’s full of lawyers. Always suing everybody. Government men, too. And inspectors. Always inspectors!

(during this speech, CROW is very busy around the stage) PITHETAERUS My bird’s doing something!

EUELPIDES I’ll bet I know what. PITHETAERUS No... No, watch!

(CROW get excited and begins preening and gussying up for meeting new birds) EUELPIDES So we started off with a stewpot, a knife and a fork - a few myrtle berries - and, here we are.

PITHETAERUS Here! Look! (PIGEON joins activity)

EUELPIDES Has that other bird really got anything? 4. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS It’s behaving like there were other birds around somewhere! EUELPIDES Mine’s doing it, too! Where? Where? PITHETAERUS Dammit, look for some birds! EUELPIDES Maybe we could scare them up if we made some noise. PITHETAERUS That’s right. Here... Kick your leg against that rock.

EUELPIDES Wouldn’t it be louder if we used your head?

PITHETAERUS Kick your leg against that rock! EUELPIDES All right. (kicks rock and screams in pain)

OOWWWW!

PITHETAERUS That’s fine. That ought to do it. Ready, now. They’ll be coming.

......

SCENE 2 ( the SLAVEBIRD, enters from onstage nest with beak high in the air and attitude- EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS take cover, CROW and PIGEON make their escape- each flapping up a different amphitheater aisle) EUELPIDES Apollo help us! What a beak on the Bird! SLAVEBIRD Halp! Nest-robbers! Egg-stealers! Bird-catchers! Halp! 5. "The Birds" - Final Version

EUELPIDES You hear that? His bark is worse than his beak. SLAVEBIRD Men, you die! EUELPIDES But we’re not men. SLAVEBIRD What are you? EUELPIDES I don’t know about him, but, me? I"m a bird: Turdus Turdus - an African migrant, commonly known as, The Fearling SLAVEBIRD What nonsense. Never heard of that.

EUELPIDES Not nonsense, crap. Look at my feet.

SLAVEBIRD (indicating PITHETAERUS) And that bird over there? What’s his species?

EUELPIDES Another one of the Yellow Bellied School.

PITHETAERUS Me? Brown-tailed Smellyrump. Quail family. Commonly known as The Crapple.

EUELPIDES (To SANDPIPER) Say, what about you Birdie? What the hell are you?

SLAVEBIRD I’m a Slavebird. Slave to Epos, King of the Birds. When the boss got himself changed into a Hoopoe, I put in my application for feathers too so I could stay in his (MORE) 6. "The Birds" - Final Version

SLAVEBIRD (CONT’D) service, doing odd jobs and butlering. Suppose he wants some sardines. Up I jump, dash down with a dish and catch him some fish. If it’s soup he wants, I grab a little ladle and skitter to the kettle. EUELPIDES Quite the runner, eh? Tell you what, runner-bird: just skitter inside and fetch your master out. SLAVEBIRD He will be angry. PITHETAERUS We’ll risk it. SLAVEBIRD Very well, the Fearling and.. EUELPIDES ...The Crapple. (SLAVEBIRD takes nest and exits SR aisle, turning to threaten or check on them as he climbs the steps) PITHETAERUS

(to EUELPIDES) -Whoosh, I’m still shaking. EUELPIDES Me too. And guess what. My Pigeon’s gone, got clear away.

PITHETAERUS Got away? Why you big baby, were you so scared you dropped your load? EUELPIDES Well, what about you? Where’s your bird?

PITHETAERUS (suddenly realizing his bird is also gone) I gave him his freedom 7. "The Birds" - Final Version

EUELPIDES That was decent of you...... SCENE 3

(HOOPOE enters, stops at the top of amphitheater SR steps, looking grand but a bit ridiculous-, preens and announces...)

HOOPOE Who wants me? EUELPIDES I can’t imagine.

HOOPOE Does someone dare to laugh at the King of the Birds?

EUELPIDES No... no... just a little giddy...

(walking down to the stage)

HOOPOE You must know, strangers, that I once was a man.

Born of woman, married to a wife, I was unfaithful to my dear Procne. Now I am changed by Apollo into a bird, and Procne is the Nightingale, and I am faithful at last. EUELPIDES (to AUDIENCE) We’re certainly getting the exposition out. HOOPOE Who are you?

EUELPIDES Mortals. Haven’t had any affairs with Nightingales. HOOPOE From what country? 8. "The Birds" - Final Version

EUELPIDES Athens, the land of democracy, where everyone is equal. HOOPOE You’re not government men? EUELPIDES Anti-government men. HOOPOE I thought that species had become extinct? EUELPIDES You can still find a few growing wild - if you look hard enough.

HOOPOE But what brings you here, gentlemen?

EUELPIDES Your assistance and advice. HOOPOE My advice? About what? EUELPIDES You were mortal once as we are mortal now.

You once were plagued with creditors, and we’re plagued now.

You welshed on your debts; we welsh on our debts now.

But though you were mortal once, you became a Bird and flew the circuit of the spreading earth and sea; yet both as Bird and Man you understand. And so we come to you, ask for your help, bearing our hope that you may know some land, some country like a blanket, soft and snug, between whose folds two tired men might flop. 9. "The Birds" - Final Version

HOOPOE And Athens won’t do? You want something more... splendid? EUELPIDES It wasn’t exactly splendor we had in mind. No, we wanted a country that was made just for us. HOOPOE But my dear fellow, what do you want? EUELPIDES Oh, the sort of country where the worst trouble I could have would be friends trooping to my door bright and early in the morning to pester me with invitations for dinner: "C’mon, old boy, I’m throwing a big celebration. So fresh up, give your kiddies a bath, and come on over. And don’t go standing me up, or I won’t turn to you when I’m in trouble."

HOOPOE Zeus, you like your troubles pleasant, don’t you?

(to PITHETAERUS) And you?

PITHETAERUS I like pleasant troubles too. HOOPOE I see, as a matter of fact, there is a city like that. On the Red Sea.

PITHETAERUS (rising, asserting himself now) No, no! No sea ports. Let a ship dock, and there’ll be a process server on it. Someplace remote. Uninhabited. Unaccessible. Wait a minute! Now, wait a minute! EUELPIDES You have an idea 10. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS Yes! EUELPIDES I hate to bring it up. But, The last idea you had was using birds for guides. PITHETAERUS No, listen, now. Listen!

EUELPIDES It isn’t as though I had a choice. (to AUDIENCE) You do. You can go home anytime.

PITHETAERUS (to EUELPIDES) Sh-h-h-h!

EUELPIDES) (to AUDIENCE Sh-h-h-h!

PITHETAERUS Tell me. What is it like to live with the birds? HOOPOE It’s not a bad sort of life. Of course, you have no money.

EUELPIDES I’m as good as a bird now.

HOOPOE And, naturally, you have none of the problems that go with money.

EUELPIDES That’s logical. HOOPOE The food is nice. White sesame, myrtle, poppies, mint- EUELPIDES Worms. 11. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS Oh, come on, come on! Don’t be a fool. Here. Look down. HOOPOE I’m looking PITHETAERUS Now look up. HOOPOE I’m looking. PITHETAERUS Turn your head around. Well! What do you find?

HOOPOE That my neck is getting stiff. PITHETAERUS No, no! What do you see?

HOOPOE The same old clouds and sky.

PITHETAERUS That’s it! The land of the birds!

But you can turn it into a city! HOOPOE How? PITHETAERUS By starving the gods into submission.

HOOPOE I don’t follow you

EUELPIDES You’re not the first. PITHETAERUS

(suddenly illuminated) Wait! I’ve got it! If you Birds will just do what I say, we’ll make it succeed. 12. "The Birds" - Final Version

HOOPOE Do what? PITHETAERUS First, take my advice. For instance, stop flapping around with your beaks hanging open. It looks undignified and people jeer at the Birds. In Athens whenever we see some silly ass, we ask "Hey, who’s that Bird? and people say, "Oh, him? He’s cuckoo, dumb as a dodo, a booby, that’s what, hasn’t got the brains of a Bird." Now, listen! When men are on their last legs, when they’re desperate... what is the only thing that can help the problem? HOOPOE The gods.

PITHETAERUS And how do they get the gods to help them?

HOOPOE By offering sacrifice. They put a goat or an ox in the sacrificial fire. PITHETAERUS

(moving downstage with HOOPOE dramatizing what he says) And the smoke rises up through the air until it reaches the heavens. The gods notice it, and come to the rescue. Is that right? (HOOPOE nods) And suppose I am a man living in this country. (marks out an area on the ground with his foot; EUELPIDES jumps up and puts his foot in the area, helpfully) But I want to go to that country over there.... (indicates an area) Between the two countries is a middle country which I must pass through. 13. "The Birds" - Final Version

(EUELPIDES starts to travel toward the second area through middle area, but PITHETAERUS stops him midway) Now, when I want to pass through it, what do I have to do?

HOOPOE Pay tolls, visas, taxes. PITHETAERUS Precisely!

Now here is all that smoke going through your country for nothing. But if you build a wall and fortify it, you can demand that men acknowledge you as rulers of the universe and pay you a tax. Otherwise, you don’t let the smoke through! (he pauses for HOOPOE and EUELPIDES to grasp and admire this notion) And, with no smoke coming up, the gods starve to death. You rule the universe!

HOOPOE (his imagination fired) By snares! By networks! By cages! That’s the cleverest idea I’ve ever heard. I’ve been wanting to get back at that Apollo.

(faces them) If I can get the approval of the other birds, I’ll do it.

PITHETAERUS Will you explain the matter to them? HOOPOE No, you will. You’re a splendid talker.

EUELPIDES Splendid. PITHETAERUS 14. "The Birds" - Final Version

HOW WILL YOU GET THEM ALL TOGETHER? HOOPOE No trouble at all. I shall awaken dear Procne, my nightingale. Once they hear our voices, they will come to us hot on the wing! PITHETAERUS Then hurry, my dear fellow, hurry. Wake up Procne!

(the HOOPOE climbs SR aisle, stops midway...

****JUSTIN’S BIRD CALL MUSIC begins) ......

SCENE 4 (during the BIRD CALL"- LEADER BIRD will rise from the top perch of the tree house and make his into the treehouse itself, the birds, in order, will begin making their way down the bridge to the SL aisle) HOOPOE Awake from sleep, my love! Sing, sing your song

(from Juliet balcony of guest house, PROCNE begins to call back to the flute )

EUELPIDES Holy Zeus, just hear the little Birdie’s song! A sound like honey streaming through the woods...

PITHETAERUS Pssst. Hush.

EUELPIDES Hush? But why? PITHETAERUS Shush.

The Hoopoe is preening to call PROCNE O Birds of fellow feather come! 15. "The Birds" - Final Version

HOOPOE Come, you Birds who graze, who feed over the farmers’ fresh-sown fields! Barley-eating tribes, in thousands come! O peckers after seeds, hungry nations, swift of wing! PROCNE Come, O chirrupers!

HOOPOE All you who flitter in the furrows, who throng, who flock the new-turned sod, who sing your chirrup, chirrup-song,

(Following is squawked/sung in as a duet) PROCNE & HOOPOE do tio tio tio tio tio tio!

tra, la, la, la, la la la

PROCNE O Birds of swamp and river, come!

HOOPOE You whose beaks snap up the whining gnats, who splash in water where the earth is wet or skim the meadows over Marathon!

PROCNE O Birds of blazoned feather, come! (Following is squawked/sung in as a duet)

PROCNE & HOOPOE do tio tio tio tio tio tio!

tra, la, la, la, la la la HOOPOE Come, Birds who soar upon the sea where the kingfisher swoops! O Birds with delicate necks, O taper-throated, come! Come and see the world remade! PROCNE & HOOPOE Come and see the Birds reborn! 16. "The Birds" - Final Version

(As the HOOPOE’s call ends, the the FLAMINGO should be at top of SL aisle and is shortly followed by other members, each bird has its own walk and/or sound as they walk into their starting position!)

...... SCENE 5 PITHETAERUS Pssst. Euelpides! Look over there! There’s a Bird coming in! EUELPIDES By Zeus, it is a Bird! What do you suppose he is? A Peacock?

PITHETAERUS The Hoopoe will tell us. -Say, what sort of Bird is that?

HOOPOE

(he joins them to watch the parade) That, my friend, is a rare marshbird. Not the sort of Bird you run into every day. EUELPIDES Golly, what a flaming pink! HOOPOE Exactly. That Bird’s a Flamingo.

EUELPIDES Oooh. Look. PITHETAERUS What is it?

EUELPIDES That Bird. (enter a second bird, dressed in gorgeous Persian costume with a magnificent strut)

PITHETAERUS Say, she’s exotic. HOOPOE We call her the Bedouin Bird. 17. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS You don’t say? The Bedouin Bird! But how could a Bedouin Bird get to Greece without a Camel Bird?

(enter a dazzlingly brilliant bird with an enormous crest) EUELPIDES Sweet Poseidon! Look at that gorgeous Birdie strutting in! What’s she called?

HOOPOE That one? She’s the Crested Guzzle. EUELPIDES Look, Hoopoe, what’s the point of all this crestwork on Birds? Dress parade? HOOPOE No. Partly self-defense, partly sanitation.

Some towns are built on crests of hills, others in the passes.

So some Birds sport their plumes on top, but others on their asses.

PITHETAERUS What an ungodly crowd of Birds! It gives me the jitters. (the rest of the CHORUS, birds of every size and description now stream on stage - lifting wings upon entering stage area) Look, Birds everywhere! EUELPIDES

(getting nervous) Apollo, what a bevy of Birds: Why, when they lift up their wings, they block out the entrance.

PITHETAERUS Look, there’s the Partridge! EUELPIDES Here comes a female Plover. But who’s that Bird on her tail? 18. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS Her lover. The Horny Pecker.

EUELPIDES What does her husband say? PITHETAERUS He’s a queer Bird and doesn’t care

(enter ASIATIC FINCH and CARDINAL looking rather cozy) HOOPOE Swan, Pigeon, Rooster and Crow, Citi Field Fan Bird and Jay. Hawk Falcon, Dove, Finch, Canary, Pheasant and Gull PITHETAERUS Birds. Birds, billions of Birds!

EUELPIDES

(indicating the AUDIENCE) But most of them Cuckoos and Geese.

PITHETAERUS What a skittering and cackling!

EUELPIDES Unless I’m mistaken, I detect a note of menace.

PITHETAERUS They do seem somewhat peeved. You know, I think they’re glaring at us.

EUELPIDES Damn right they are. LEADER (after arranging chorus) We have answered the call of the King of the Birds. We await his pleasure and attend his words. HOOPOE An envoy, strange and shrewd begs to address the multitude, submitting to their decision a surprising proposition- 19. "The Birds" - Final Version

CHORUS A (chattily pleasant, among themselves) News amazing! News auspicious! CHORUS B News delightful, we agree. HOOPOE Birds... two men of subtlest genius have proposed a plan to me.

CHORUS A (suddenly ruffled, stirring) Who?

CHORUS B What? CHORUS A When?

LEADER (sternly, to HOOPOE) Say that again. CHORUS A Who? CHORUS B What? (LEADERBIRD stops the CHORUS from finishing the repeat)

HOOPOE

(indicating PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES who now hide behind HOOPOE’s wings) I have welcomed two old men. Harmless ornithologists, infatuated with Birds. They want to live with their feathered friends. LEADER What? You welcomed two men? HOOPOE What’s more, I’d do it again 20. "The Birds" - Final Version LEADER You mean they’re here? In our midst?

HOOPOE As much as I. Look. (he raises his wings, revealing the two men cowering behind him)

CHORUS -O Treachery! O Treason! -O! Bad Hoopoe, to betray us so!

To think that you, the Birdies’ friend, Could come to such a wicked end!

To think that I should one day see the Bird who pecked the corn with me, Dishonor and disgrace

The MAGNA CARTA of our race,

And sell us to our foe! -O Treachery! O Treason! -O!

LEADER (to CHORUS) All right, we’ll settle accounts with this treacherous Hoopoe later. As for these venerable old fools, we’ll settle with them right now. We’ll shred them into tatters. PITHETAERUS Gods, they’re shredding us to tatters!

EUELPIDES Well, it’s all your fault. This whole damn trip was your idea.It’s so hopeless I could cry.

PITHETAERUS Fat chance you’ll have of crying. Once those Birds are through with you, you won’t have any eyes. 21. "The Birds" - Final Version

CHORUS These men are spies, their lives are lies, so kill without regrets! The skill to kill lies in your bills. Your beaks are bayonets. No cloud exists, no breaker is, no fog on mountain peaks, quite big or thick or black enough to save them from our beaks! Where’s the Captain? What detains him? We are ready to proceed! On the right there, call the Captain! Let him form his troop and lead! (the CAPTAIN, a very shabby-looking bird, shuffles in from SR aisle and proceeds to meet troops)

PITHETAERUS He’s a seedy looking Captain.

CAPTAIN BIRD (huffily) I was moulting. (gives signal to CHORUS, who drop to crouched formation as though ready to spring into air and fly directly at the humans)

EUELPIDES (as CAPTAIN pantomimes instructions to the crouched and waiting CHORUS, PITHETAERUS finds weapons) They’re coming! They’re coming!

(shakes hands with PITHETAERUS, quickly) Good-bye. (starts directly toward CHORUS)

PITHETAERUS Where do you think you’re going? EUELPIDES I’m going to give myself up. 22. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS Stand up and fight! Here! (hands him a fork) EUELPIDES Somehow, I’m not hungry PITHETAERUS Use it for a sword!

EUELPIDES No. When my eyes are pecked out, I won’t be able to see who I’m stabbing. I might stab myself. PITHETAERUS

(throwing him a stewpot) Here! Shield your eyes! Jam a pot on your head.

EUELPIDES

(delighted; trying it on) Oh, that’s nice! Want a test match?

(begins to feint at PITHETAERUS who slaps him takes a pot and a ladle for his own weapons. At the same time the CAPTAIN leaps back from his pantomime to the CHORUS OF BIRDS and shouts)

CAPTAIN BIRD Ready, Birds! Present your beaks! In double time, charge and attack!

LEADER Pounce upon them... CAPTAIN BIRD Charge ’em, rip ’em, scratch ’em, flay ’em, bite ’em, but break that pot. LEADER ...tear and hack!

(the CHORUS leaps and darts forward and there ensues a slashing duel between the CHORUS and PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES. The CHORUS keeps up a chattering racket) 23. "The Birds" - Final Version

HOOPOE Cease! Most unworthy creatures, scandal of the feathered race; Must I see my friends and yours massacred before my face? (the CHORUS pause, and surround the humans) PHEASANT, PARTRIDGE & FINCH Friends? They’re men.

FLAMINGO & PLOVER Men invented the slingshot! HOOPOE But they have abandoned other men, and come to give us advice. CROW & PIGEON Take advice... from an enemy?

CITIFIED FAN BIRDS Who are these fellows? HOOPOE Two humans from Hellas where genius grows greener than grass.

EUELPIDES Don’t over do it.

SWANS But why have they come?

HOOPOE They envisage a vision of glory, a dream so fantastic it staggers the sensible mind.

LEADER Well, it doesn’t stagger mine. What’s in it for them? Who are they trying to stick? HOOPOE No one. This is no trick. What this means is bliss. Believe me, utter bliss. Sheer and absolute. CROW & PIGEON Crackpots, eh? 24. "The Birds" - Final Version

HOOPOE Right as rain. Foxes, not men. Boxes of slyness, brimming with brain.

LEADER Then let them talk! We’re all in a twitter to hear. HOOPOE You must speak!

PITHETAERUS Not until we reach an agreement! No more pecking, no more clawing, no more biting! Is it agreed?

LEADER (after a glance around at the CHORUS OF BIRDS, whose heads bob up and down in agreement) It is agreed.

CHORUS We swear it.

(raising one wing each) LEADER (finally adding his wing to the rest)

You have my word. And if I break my word...

(to AUDIENCE) ...may the audience speak unkindly of me at dinner On the other hand, if I keep my word, mention my performance to your friends. (turns immediately and rejoins CHORUS as HOOPOE speaks) HOOPOE Birds! Gather yourselves and listen! (in a quick flurry the CHORUS darts to seated positions) 25. "The Birds" - Final Version CHORUS A Full of wiles, full of guiles, CHORUS B at all times, in all ways are the children of men. CHORUS Still... we’ll hear what he says. HOOPOE

(to PITHETAERUS) Speak! ......

SCENE 6 PITHETAERUS (surveys the group with slow deliberation waiting for silence; some birds have trouble quieting; finally he speaks softly, for impressive effect) I am bursting to speak. (pause while he straightens to full height) I have already mixed the dough of my address and I am ready to knead it. (flurry of wings from the CHORUS OF BIRDS as though in applause)

EUELPIDES A very pretty image. PITHETAERUS

(takes a deep breath, begins to open his mouth and raise his arm: in gesture; then halts) Water, please. EUELPIDES These long pauses are hard on the throat.

(LEADER gets water bottle from chorus member and gives to PITHETAERUS, he drinks, wipes his mouth faces his assembly again) PITHETAERUS I shall say what I have to say in a few, well-chosen words. (EUELPIDES yawns loudly) 26. "The Birds" - Final Version Birds. My heart bleeds for you. You... who were formerly Emperors!

CRESTED GUZZLE & BEDOUIN BIRD (to another near him, chattily) Did you ever hear that? FLAMINGO & PLOVER Emperors? Over whom? PITHETAERUS Over all that exists! Over me. Over that man.

(indicates EUELPIDES who rises and bows) Over Zeus himself! You belong to a race older than Saturn - older than the Titans - older than the very Earth!

(EUELPIDES applauds, vociferously; PITHETAERUS scowls) CHORUS A Than the Earth itself! CHORUS B We never heard that before.

PITHETAERUS (warmed up now, the thoroughgoing demagogue) You never heard that before because you haven’t read your Aesop! Aesop clearly tells us - and I quote - that the lark - and the lark is a bird - existed before the Earth itself!

(having reached a climax, he turns to drink) EUELPIDES (the unwelcome question) Where does Aesop say that?

PITHETAERUS (stares at him hard, then dismisses it, speaking with casual rapidity as he takes a drink) Oh, in that little story about how the lark’s father died and went unburied for five days, and finally had to be buried in the lark’s head. You know that. 27. "The Birds" - Final Version

EUELPIDES No. I didn’t. Now that I do, it doesn’t seem to explain anything. PITHETAERUS

(hurling the water bottle at him) It explains this: if the lark had to bury its own father in its own head, that can only have been because there was no earth in which to bury him. Ergo, the lark existed before the Earth. Aesop. (pronounces his source with finality; the CHORUS OF BIRDS buzzes excitedly among themselves) Furthermore. The birds existed before the gods! SWANS

(to another, chattily) Do you think he’s going too far?

PITHETAERUS

(thundering) The gods stole their power from the birds!

CRESTED GUZZLE & BEDOUIN BIRD

(replying confidentially to the THIRD BIRD) Too far.

PITHETAERUS They derive their very authority from the birds! Else why should they carry on their sceptres - the symbol of their authority - a hawk? Why should Zeus always be seen with an eagle on his head? PHEASANT, PARTRIDGE & FINCH (interested) Why, indeed? PITHETAERUS Why should Victory be winged? Why Cupid? And, my friends, I ask you to consider the rooster. 28. "The Birds" - Final Version EUELPIDES All right.

PITHETAERUS What creature, in all the universe, wears a crown that will not come off? EUELPIDES

(after a moment’s consideration) The rooster. PITHETAERUS

(to EUELPIDES, annoyed) That was a rhetorical question. EUELPIDES That was a rhetorical answer.

PITHETAERUS (whipping back into his tirade) All other crowns must be put on and taken off. Only a bird has a natural crown!

Consider further. This Great King of old, this rooster, even now is so powerful, so great, so feared by men that the moment he crows at daybreak, they all jump out of bed.

(pause for effect) What effect does the call of the rooster have?

EUELPIDES Scares the hell out of me. PITHETAERUS It makes blacksmiths, potters, tanners, shoemakers,barristers, lyre-makers, and the Dunkin’Donut man all put on their shoes and go to work even before it is daylight! This is the power of the bird! Your power must be reclaimed - from men and the gods above. Now, you’ve been downgraded. You’re the slaves, not lords, of men. 29. "The Birds" - Final Version They call you brainless or crazy. They kill you whenever they can.

The temples are no protection: the hunters are lying in wait with traps and nooses and nets and little limed twigs and bait.

And when you’re taken, they sell you as tiny hors d’oeuvres for a lunch. And you’re not even sold alone, but lumped and bought by the bunch.

And buyers come crowding around and pinch your breast and your rump, to see if your fleshes are firm and your little bodies are plump.

Then, as if this weren’t enough, they refuse to roast you whole,

but dump you down in a dish and call you a casserole.

They grind up cheese and spices with some oil and other goo,

and they take this slimy gravy and they pour it over you!

Yes. they pour it over you!

It’s like a disinfectant, and they pour it piping hot,

as though your meat were putrid to sterilize the rot! CHORUS Stranger, forgive us if we cry, reliving in your words those years of cowardice that brought disaster to the Birds:- that tragic blunder and our fathers’ crime, as dignity went under in a chicken-hearted time, 30. "The Birds" - Final Version and all was lost. But now, by luck, or heavensent, a Man has come to pluck us from disgrace. Hail, Savior of the Birds,

Redeemer of our Race! To you we now commit. PITHETAERUS My Plan, in gist, is this -- a city of the Birds whose walls and ramparts shall include the atmosphere of the world within their circuit. But make the walls of brick, like a perfect Mexican board... um Babylon.

The instant your walls are built, reclaim your sceptre from Zeus. If he shilly-shallies or fobs you off with a lot of excuses, proclaim a Holy War, a Great Crusade against the Gods. Then slap embargoes on their lust, forbidding any gods in manifest state of erection to travel through your sky on amatory errands down to Earth to lay their women -- their Europas, Semeles, Kardashians, and so forth. Then, if they attempt to ignore your warning, place their offending peckers under bond as contraband and seal them shut. That will stop their fun, I think. Second, appoint some Bird as your official ambassador to men,

(LEADER begins to look for volunteers. Many raise hands- He chooses, DOVE, BLUE JAY and FALCON. During whole speech CHORUS shows approval and excitement) and serve them formal notice that the Birds demand priority in all their sacrifices. The leftovers, of course, will go to the Gods. But for the future, even when they offer sacrifices to the Gods, each (MORE) 31. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS (CONT’D) be paired with a Bird - whichever one seems most apt.

Thus, if Aphrodite is offered a cake, the Lovebird will get one too. When Poseidon gets his sheep, the Seagull must have his shrimp. Greedy Hercules shall eat - when the glutton Jay is fed. And as for Zeus, why, Zeus must wait his turn until the Eagle, lord of all the Birds, receives his sacrificial rabbit. EUELPIDES I like rabbit. Old has-been Zeus can rumble with rage! PHEASANT, PARTRIDGE & FINCH What if men ignore us?

PITHETAERUS Then you will swoop onto their fields and eat up all their seed. Nothing will grow.

CROW & PIGEON And if they obey us, what do we promise in return? PITHETAERUS To defend their fields from insects and pests, as Zeus never did. Nevermore will they fear the beetle or roach. You will guide their sailing vessels, flying back to warn of an oncoming storm, and showing them favorable winds.

(EUELPIDES starting to go) Where are you going? EUELPIDES I’m going into the shipping business.

(PITHETAERUS collars him, holds him steady, as the CHORUS rises and then kneels in homage, with a burst of triumphant confidence) 32. "The Birds" - Final Version

CHORUS All honor to you, oh man! LEADER We await your orders, sir.

Tasks that need mere brawn and muscle we Birds can do. The complicated mental stuff we leave to you.

(Leader, Captain, HORNY PECKER and SWANS, CRESTED GUZZLE & BEDOIN BIRD exit SL aisle to prepare for Scene 7) HOOPOE Action, dammit, action! That’s what we need. Strike while the iron’s hot. This way, gentlemen.

(the HOOPOE begins to flap his wings to exit SR aisle)

PITHETAERUS Hey, you! stop! What sort of partnership is this supposed to be if you start taking off when we can’t even fly?

HOOPOE Don’t be nervous. I know of a wonderful magic root. Merely nibble on it and you’ll sprout wings on your shoulders.

(all exit SR aisle except CHORUS)

...... SCENE 7

CHORUS So elect us as your gods and we, in turn, shall be your weathervane and Muse,

your priests of prophecy, foretelling all, winter, summer, spring, and fall. Furthermore, we promise we’ll give mankind an honest deal. Unlike our (MORE) 33. "The Birds" - Final Version CHORUS (CONT’D) smug, opponent, Zeus, we’ll stop corruption and abuse.

(male CHORUS moves to upstage platform to watch next scene, remainder CHORUS exits SR aisle)) (enter SWANS SL aisle, each carrying signs and CRESTED GUZZLE & BEDOIN BIRD, behind acting as spokesmodels)

SWANS No absentee administration! No permanent vacation in the clouds! (SWANS arrive on each side of stage holding signs in pretty display) CRESTED GUZZLE & BEDOUIN BIRD And we promise to be scrupulously honest.

(CRESTED GUZZLE & BEDOUIN BIRD hold at top of aisle-wings outstretched to present the bird seller, enter BIRD SALESMAN, from SL aisle with head microphone and magic wings full of his wares- like a QVC salesman, CRESTED GUZZLE & BEDOUIN BIRD flutter behind him and act like assistants for remainder of scene)

BIRD SALESMAN (to AUDIENCE) Do you suffer pangs of conscience? Nervous? Jumpy? Scared?

Need a hideout from the law? Some cozy place to pass time?

Well, step right up, friend! We’ll get you a berth with the Birds. We do things differently up here. What your laws condemn, the things that you think shady or immoral are compulsory with us.

Consider the case, for instance, of a boy who beats up his dad. Admit it: you’re shocked. The idea! (BANTAM ROOSTER comes downstage with boxing gloves steps forward) But we call it courage when some bantam chirps, "C’mon, old Bird, put up your spurs and fight!" 34. "The Birds" - Final Version

Or suppose you’ve deserted. You’re AWOL, branded with shame. Hell, come and live with us! (CRESTED GUZZLE holds up yellow wings) You can be a a Yellow Chicken. Or perhaps you’re hiding in a closet in Singapore? (ASIATIC FINCH,comes up and flirts with BIRD SALESMAN, winks at AUDIENCE) Come on out you fairy fop, and be an Asiatic Finch. Or suppose you’re a bankrupt billionaire whose hubris’ makes you think you deserve the highest public office? We’ll we don’t think you’re a little Cuckoo , we’ll just make you a Crested Combover and pawn you off as our own. (BEDOUIN BIRD models Crested Combover headpiece)

(SWAN’s wave) Friends, you haven’t really lived till you’ve tried FEATHERS! (CRESTED GUZZLE &BEDOUIN BIRD throw some feathers like confetti) Think, spectators. Imagine yourselves with a pair of wings. The sheer joy of it! Not having to sit those tragedies out? No getting bored. You merely flap your little wings and fly off home. You have a snack, then make it back to catch cocktails at the party after. Or again, suppose you’re overtaken by a sudden need to poop. Do you do it in your pants? Not a bit. You just zoom off, fart and shit to your heart’s content and whizz right back. Or perhaps you’re having an affair - I won’t name any names- You spot the lady’s husband sitting near you in the theater. Up you soar, flap (MORE) 35. "The Birds" - Final Version

BIRD SALESMAN (CONT’D) your wings, through her window and into her bed! You make it a quickie, of course, then flutter back to your seat. So what do you say? Aren’t wings the most wonderful things? (All exit SL aisle) ......

*CHORUS 1 GIVES COSTUMES TO CHORUS 2 - EXCEPT MALE CHORUS MEMBERS* SCENE 8

( PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES enter SR aisle, both of them now sport wings)

PITHETAERUS Well, here we are.

EUELPIDES What so damn funny?

PITHETAERUS You look like a bluebird caught in a lint trap

EUELPIDES And you look like you shopped for wings with Caitlin Jenner

PITHETAERUS Just think. They’re our feathers. All our own. EUELPIDES Do you suppose we can fly?

PITHETAERUS (pointing up) Go up there and jump off.

EUELPIDES (sizing it up skeptically). No, I think I have a loose feather back here.

(turning around and backing into PITHETAERUS) (MORE) 36. "The Birds" - Final Version

EUELPIDES (CONT’D) Would you see if I have a loose feather? PITHETAERUS

(roaring) Would you get that thing out of my eye? (HOOPOE enters from SR aisle) Have the birds begun the city? HOOPOE They are already hard at work. (we hear sounds of hammering and building offstage) You hear? (enter ROOSTER, GULL, and CARDINAL from SL aisle carrying straw and sticks cross stage with LEADER and ASIATIC FINCH follows watching)

EUELPIDES What’s the next move?

PITHETAERUS First, we’ll give our city some highfalutin’ name. Then a special sacrifice to our new gods.

HOOPOE A special sacrifice? Yummy.

LEADER (to the 4 male BIRDS) To work, boys. (Male CHORUS exits SR aisle- exchange costumes with CHORUS 2) LEADER- CONTINUED (To PITHETAERUS) How do you propose to name our city? EUELPIDES How about Sparta? That’s a grand old name with a fine pretentious ring. 37. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS Great Hercules. Call our city Sparta? I wouldn’t even insult my mattress by giving it a name like Sparta.

EUELPIDES Well. What do you suggest instead? LEADER Something big, smacking of the clouds. A pinch of fluff and rare air. A swollen sound. PITHETAERUS I’ve got it! Listen-- CLOUDCUCKOOLAND!

LEADER That’s it! The perfect name. And it’s a big word too.

EUELPIDES CLOUDCUCKOOLAND! PITHETAERUS

(to EUELPIDES) You! Into the air with you. Help the workers who are building the wall. Carry up rubble.

Dispatch two heralds. One to the Gods above declaring war. The other to mankind. And don’t stop till you’re finished! (EUELPIDES exits SL aisle, and reappears with MESSENGERS ONE and TWO, sends them off in opposite directions- through audience, MESSENGER ONE very efficient exit, MESSENGER TWO long way around, they fly off) PITHETAERUS- CONTINUED (turning to HOOPOE) Now. Do you have a priest-bird? To offer sacrifice. HOOPOE Surely we’re not going to offer sacrifice to the Gods! We’ve just declared war! 38. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS To the bird-gods... the new Gods! HOOPOE Ah! I will call her.

(HOOPOE emits a bird call to summon the PRIESTBIRD. to PRIESTBIRD and ACOLYTE as they enter from SR aisle) Here! Do as he tells you! and (to PITHETAERUS) I shall announce to the others our glorious name! (HOOPOE exits SL aisle as PITHETAERUS turns to PRIESTBIRD) PITHETAERUS You are a priest-bird? PRIEST As my father before me, and his mother before him, and her father before her and..

(this may go on forever)

PITHETAERUS All right, all right. Do you know how to offer sacrifice?

PRIEST

(says nothing but immediately kneels, throws back her wings) I begin.

(throws open her arms, then stops) Where’s the sacrifice?

PITHETAERUS Oh.

(he looks around, spots a gnat flying pursuing and catches it then delicately deposits it before the PRIEST) PRIEST

(peers at gnat dubiously, shrugs, and raises her arms again) Oh, birds who preside over the earth, and oh, god and goddess birds who preside over heaven-- 39. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS (getting into the act, kneeling down) Oh, hawk - oh, god of the storks! PRIEST (forces herself to continue, more fulsome) Oh, swan of Delos, oh, mother of the quails, oh, goldfinch- EUELPIDES Goldfinch? PRIEST

(paying no attention) Oh, ostrich, mother of the gods and mankind--

PITHETAERUS

(going along with it) Oh, ostrich--

PRIEST Grant health and safety to the Cloud Cuckoo-landers, as well as to all who pay us tribute--

PITHETAERUS Yes, put them in.

PITHETAERUS (competing with her now) Oh, pelican--

PRIEST Oh, spoonbill- PITHETAERUS Oh--

PRIEST (before PITHETAERUS can get one in) Oh, redbreast-- PITHETAERUS Oh--grouse (PITHETAERUS becomes increasingly disgusted) 40. "The Birds" - Final Version

PRIEST Come, all hero birds (and in a rather Santa Clause calling his reindeer cadence...) Bring Dickie and Dunnock, come Crossbill and Bunting! EUELPIDES (joins in, getting carried away)

On Dipper on Diver on Whimbrel and Finch! PRIEST Come Curlew and Creeper. on Pippit on Parrot,

Come Vulture, come tit- PITHETAERUS STOP IT, you fools! Stop the roll call of birds.

Are you utterly daft, woman? Inviting Vultures and Eagles to the sacrifice? We’ve only got one gnat! Clear out, I’ll finish this sacrifice myself

(as he is hustling the PRIESTBIRD off SL aisle , and CHORUS enters,lining the SL aisle,)

(to EUELPIDES)

PITHETAERUS- CONTINUED Here. Don’t say anything. Just assist me. (PITHETAERUS gets down on his knees again, EUELPIDES mimics him, PITHETAERUS spreads his arms, like the PRIEST BIRD had done) We will address our sacrifice to all winged things-- CHORUS (Interrupting )

Again we raise the hymn of praise and pour the sacred wine. With solemn rite we now invite the blessed gods to dine. 41. "The Birds" - Final Version

But don’t all come - perhaps just one, and maybe then again. There’s not enough, besides, it’s tough, so stay away...Amen.

PITHETAERUS Let us pray to the winged gods- (enter, from audience, a hungry, ragged POET, chanting)

POET In all thy songs, O Muse, let one city prais’ed be - CLOUDCUCKOOLAND THE LOVELY! PITHETAERUS Who spawned this spook? -Look here, who are you? POET One of the tribe of dulcet tongue and tripping speech - "the slave of Poesy, whose ardent soul the Muses hold in thrall," as Homer hath it.

PITHETAERUS Judging from your clothes, friend, your Muses must be bankrupt. Tell me, bard, what ill wind plopped you here?

POET I’ve been composing poems in honor of your new city-

PITHETAERUS How long has your little poetic mill been grinding out this chaff?

POET Why, simply ages. Long, long since my Muse commenced to sing Cloudcuckooland in all her orisons. PITHETAERUS

(taking ACOLYTE’s coat) Here. Take this. Maybe you won’t look so pathetic. 42. "The Birds" - Final Version

POET My Muse thanks you. PITHETAERUS It was nothing.

ACOLYTE It was my nice fur cowl. POET Do you remember those lovely lines from Pindar? PITHETAERUS Which ones? POET "Out among the Scythians yonder See poor Straton wander, wander-- Poor, poor Straton, not possessed Of a warmly woven under-vest.

What matter his jacket of fur if below

There’s no soft tunic for him to show?"

(he flutters open his tunic) ACOLYTE I don’t remember those lines... POET You catch my drift? PITHETAERUS Yes, I catch your drift. You want some underwear.

(to the ACOLYTE) All right. Off with it, lad. (ACOLYTE takes off underclothes and gives to POET) We can’t allow our delicate poets to freeze to death. (to POET) And now clear out, will you? 43. "The Birds" - Final Version

POET I go, I go. I shall sing your praises forever. (sings as he exits SR aisle, "give me a P, give me an I give me a T, who’s our guy....) PITHETAERUS (to the naked and shivering ACOLYTE) You there, to work again. Take up your bowl and circle the altar, boy, and we’ll resume our inaugural sacrifice once again. Quiet now, everyone.

(as PITHETAERUS approaches the altar with the sacrificial knife, a PROPHET with a great open book of oracles enters from audience)

PROPHET HALT! Forbear, I say! Let no one touch the victim.

PITHETAERUS Who the hell are you, may I ask?

PROPHET I am a Prophet, sir, in person.

PITHETAERUS Then beat it.

PROPHET Fool! Would you fly in the face of destiny? There is a prophecy in my book...

(indicates huge volume he carries) ...which applies exactly to Cloud Cuckooland. PITHETAERUS This is a fine time to tell me! Why didn’t you mention it before I got everything started? PROPHET The time was not propitious, however, since hearing of the foundation (MORE) 44. "The Birds" - Final Version

PROPHET (CONT’D) of CLOUDCUKOOLAND, Apollo has appeared to me in a dream. He has interpreted the prophecy in my book. Which I shall now interpret for you.

PITHETAERUS (wearily) Alright. Interpret.

PROPHET (reading portentously) "When the wolves and the white crows shall dwell together between the spoon and the great bowl..."

PITHETAERUS Now, see here. What has all this kitchenware got to do with us?

PROPHET The great bowl stands for Cloud Cuckooland - when you know how to interpret it. It continues: "Before a sacrifice can be offered, those who would offer it must first give to the prophet who reveals these words: (indicates himself)

a pair of sandals.. the best.

(ACOLYTE, sighs, and sits down and takes off his sandals, and holds them out to PITHEATARUS) PITHETAERUS The best sandals, eh? PROPHET Yup. Look in the book. Besides this, he must be given a goblet of wine and a giblet of the sacrifice. 45. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS Giblet? It says giblet?

PROPHET Yup. Look in the book. (resuming) If, o blessed youth, thou dost as I enjoin,

Regal eagle wings this very day are thine. Not much as pigeon fluff, if thou decline.

PITHETAERUS It really says that? PROPHET Yup. Look in the book.

PITHETAERUS You know, your oracles somehow don’t mesh with mine, and I got these from Apollo’s mouth.

(EUELPIDES hands him a large book, reading:) Listen - lo, if it chance that some faker intrude,

Troubling thy worship and scrounging for food, Let his ribs be bashed and his testicles mashed.

PROPHET I suspect you’re bluffing. PITHETAERUS Nope. Look in the book. (resuming) Smite on, I say, if any prophet should come. Yea, though he soareth like the swallow.

For the greater the faker, the harder his bum should be battered. Good Luck... Signed... Apollo. 46. "The Birds" - Final Version PROPHET Honest? It says that?

PITHETAERUS Yup. Look in the book. (suddenly throwing his Book at him) PROPHET Ouch. Help! PITHETAERUS Scat. Go hawk your prophecies somewhere else.

(PROPHET exits into audience to hide) (noticing SURVEYOR entering...) EUELPIDES What?! Another one?

SURVEYOR (enters from audience briskly with her briefcase) Good morning. Good morning. Nice development you have here.

PITHETAERUS What are you after? Who are you?

SURVEYOR I am going to survey the plains of the air for you. Then we’ll subdivide.

PITHETAERUS You can measure the air, can you?

SURVEYOR Oh, yes. With a bent ruler I draw a line from top to bottom. From one of its points I describe a circle with a compass. Then I take the hypotenuse. Follow me? PITHETAERUS Not at all. SURVEYOR

(patronizing throughout) Well, we can’t all understand these things. Next, with a straight ruler (MORE) 47. "The Birds" - Final Version SURVEYOR (CONT’D) I inscribe a square within the circle. It’s center will be the marketplace, into which all the straight streets will lead. They will converge to a center like a star, which, although only orbicular, sends forth its rays in a straight line from all sides.

Better now? PITHETAERUS I’ve taken quite a shine to you. Take my advice, friend, and decamp while there’s still time. SURVEYOR You anticipate danger, you mean?

PITHETAERUS The kind of danger one meets at a political rally. You know, nasty little riots, a few immigrants beaten, chairs thrown, fighting in the streets and so on.

SURVEYOR Dear me, you mean there might actually be revolution?

PITHETAERUS I certainly hope not.

SURVEYOR Then what is the trouble?

PITHETAERUS The new law. You see, attempted fraud is now punishable by thrashing. SURVEYOR Er, perhaps I’d best be going.

PITHETAERUS I’m half afraid you’re just a bit too late. Yes! Look out! Here comes your thrashing!

(BEDOUIN BIRD, CRESTED GUZZLE, BLUE JAY, SWANS & FAN BIRD ORANGE, batter her off the stage into woods and wait to reenter) 48. "The Birds" - Final Version

SURVEYOR HELP! MURDER! PITHETAERUS I warned you. Go survey some other place, will you?

(exit SURVEYOR. From the center audience , enters a TAX INSPECTOR, swaggering imperiously, carrying a document) INSPECTOR

(to closest bird on stage) Fetch me the Mayor, yokel. PITHETAERUS Who’s this bozo?

INSPECTOR Inspector-general of Cloudcuckooland County, sir. Invested, I might add, with plenary powers-

PITHETAERUS Invested? On whose authority?

INSPECTOR

(showing document) Why, the powers vested in me by virtue of this piddling piece of paper here signed by one Christie of Jersey.

PITHETAERUS Look. Let me propose a little deal, friend. I’ll pay you off right now, provided you leave the city.

INSPECTOR (very pleased and happy to oblige, tucks the document away) A capital suggestion. As it so happens, my presence is urgently required at home. They’re having one of their Great Debates. The Bridge and Tunnel Crisis, you know. PITHETAERUS Really? Splendid. We’ll pay you off right now. 49. "The Birds" - Final Version

(urges remaining CHORUS "poop" on the INSPECTOR, the GULL, PHEASANT, PARTRIDGE, FLAMINGO, CROW & ROOSTER all "poop" on the INSPECTOR) Take that! And that!

INSPECTOR What does this outrage mean? EUELPIDES Round One of the Great Debate.

INSPECTOR But this is mutiny! Insubordination! (to the AUDIENCE) Ladies and Gentlemen, I call on you to bear me witness that these birds willfully assaulted an Inspector! PITHETAERUS Shoo, fellow, and take your plenary powers with you

(INSPECTOR exits to woods with all "pooping" CHORUS BIRDS attacking and exiting also)

(a LAWYER from enters from center audience during this melee and is already tacking up a list of regulations on post of platform.) EUELPIDES Here! What are you putting up there?

LAWYER The new laws for the community.

"If a Cloud Cuckoolander should commit libel against Athens or any Athenian..." PITHETAERUS (tearing down list to look at it) We don’t need any lawyers up here!

LAWYER Have to have lawyers. Don’t want to spend all our time in jail, do we? 50. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS No, we have new ways up here. Like this. (urges CHORUS - PLOVER, ASIATIC FINCH, CARDINAL, PIGEON,FAN BIRD BLUE, HAWK, PURPLE FINCH,and CANARY, to attack LAWYER, previous pests all start coming back onto the stage, another pops up, until the stage is a swirl of confused activity- CHORUS from woods- renter and stand on SR edge of stage flapping frantically))

INSPECTOR You are now liable to a penalty of ten thousand... POET Tralalalalalalalalala! My Muses are back. They say I should also have a crown. LAWYER

(reading from list) "Should anyone drive away the magistrates and not receive them, according to the decree duly posted..."

EUELPIDES (desperate) Help! Help! We have vermin!

(PROPHET has also reappeared)

PROPHET I came to tell you that your doom is sealed. I have just had another chat with Apollo...

(PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES cannot keep up with all of them and are losing the battle. The combined nuisances are surrounding them) SURVEYOR What I forgot to mention is that there is a great profit in this for you, personally-- INSPECTOR Of course, if you would like to offer a small bribe- 51. "The Birds" - Final Version

PROPHET The signs are all very unfavorable- (PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES slump exhausted, as POET, PROPHET, SURVEYOR, INSPECTOR, and LAWYER bend over them, all talking at once, ad libbing in a great yammering babble, PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES hold their ears, rocking back and forth. By this time DOVE, FALCON & BLUE JAY have begun to wrap the pests into a bunch of rope. PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES immediately duck out from under and it is drawn tight about the others)

PROPHET (a continuation of his previous line,) I was so right.

POET Whither has joy flown? Oh, darkest day!

INSPECTOR Get me a lawyer!

LAWYER

(right next to him, inside net) I’m a lawyer.

PITHETAERUS There! Now we’ll put them all in a man-cage. We’ll hang them from the ceiling of Cloud Cuckooland, and there they can sing to us all day! Take them away!

(LEADER BIRD and DOVE, FALCON and BLUE JAY exit SL aisle with pests, PITHETAERUS & EUELPIDES follow) ......

SCENE 9

(CHORUS does a little dance of joy *** MUSIC***) (PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES reenter SL aisle, stretch out, entirely comfortable at last. CRESTED GUZZLE & BEDOUIN BIRD feed them wine and drop grapes into their mouths smooth their feathers in all, the piciture of sybaritic luxury) CHORUS

( facing the audience) (MORE) 52. "The Birds" - Final Version

CHORUS (CONT’D) Praise Ye the Birds, O Mankind! Our sway is over all. The eyes of the Birds observe you: we see if any fall. We watch and guard all growing green, protecting underwing this lavish lovely life of earth, its birth and harvesting. We smite the mite, we slay the pest, all ravagers that seize the good that burgeons in your buds or ripens on your trees. (LEADER enters SL aisle with 100 flyers to give out)

LEADER

(to AUDIENCE) Do you know what is being posted everywhere in town - WANTED-DEAD OR ALIVE (CROW, ROOSTER, PARTRIDGE, PHEASANT, GULL, and FLAMINGO begin to distribute flyers to the audience) Philokrates, the Birdseller wanted for murder and cruelty to birds, on the following counts:

PURPLE FINCH For the spitting of Finches, seven to a skewer, CANARY for unlawful detention of pigeons in cages, CRESTED GUZZLE for felonious snaring of innocent pigeons,

CARDINAL for flagrant misuse of traps and decoy-devices. LEADER But as for you, dear spectators, we give you solemn warning. If any boy (MORE) 53. "The Birds" - Final Version

LEADER (CONT’D) in this audience has as his hobby the keeping of Birds in captivity or cages, we urgently suggest that you let your pets go free. Disobey, and we’ll catch you and lock you up in a wicker cage or stake you out to a snare as a little decoy boy! LEADER

(real break from choral quality to conversational prose tone) And now, just before the intermission, one word to the critics. If the reviews are good tomorrow, we are prepared to do several nice things for you. We will build nests in your chimneys and sing for you sweetly from time to time. When we die, we will leave you our claws, for use on other occasions. As you sit down to dinner, we may even fly in with some plovers’ eggs, if you happen to like them.

(slight pause) On the other hand, should the reviews be bad tomorrow - and should the critics thereafter just happen to be walking down a public street - well, let them wear hats.

(portentous, with a slight upward glance) Let them wear hats!

CURTAIN End of Act One

...... ACT TWO SCENE 1: As before.

PITHETAERUS (to AUDIENCE) Well, friends. We’ve got the sacrifice over with and those pests out of the way. So far, so good. (MORE) 54. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS (CONT’D) Birds, the omens are favorable, the sacrifice has been auspicious but I wonder where in the world is that messenger with news about our wall- there always is a messenger in these plays. It’s not right to have no messenger. Probably produced this thing on a low budget. There she is now I’d recognize that awful huffing and puffing anywhere those are the true Olympic pants and puffs I hear. (FIRST MESSENGER comes running, panting, from back of audience, first lines from behind audience)

FIRST MESSENGER Where where where can he be? where is PITHETAERUS?

PITHETAERUS Here here.

FIRST MESSENGER Phew! The wall’s up. The wall’s done

PITHETAERUS Splendid.

FIRST MESSENGER What a wonderful, whopping, well-built wall! Whew! Why, that wall’s so wide that if you hitched up four horses to two chariots with those show offs Lebron James in one and Ronaldo in the other, they could pass head-on. That’s the width of your wall!

PITHETAERUS Wow, what a width! FIRST MESSENGER And what a height! Measured it myself. Six hundred feet high! PITHETAERUS Poseidon, what a height! Who in the world could have built a wall like that? 55. "The Birds" - Final Version FIRST MESSENGER The Birds.

Nobody but Birds. Not one Egyptian. Not the Mexican Government. No bricklayers. No carpenters. Only the Birds. I couldn’t credit my eyes. What a sight it was: Thirty thousand Cranes whose crops were all loaded with boulders and stones, While the Rails with their beaks blocked out the rocks, and thousands of Storks came bringing up bricks, and Plovers and Terns and seabirds by billions transported the water right up to the sky!

PITHETAERUS But which Birds hauled the mortar up? FIRST MESSENGER Herons, but how was the mortar heaped in the hods? Gods, now that was a triumph of engineering skill!

Geese burrowed their feet like shovels beneath and heaved it over their heads to the hods. PITHETAERUS They did? Ah Feet! Ah, Feet! O incredible feat! What can compete with a pair of feet? FIRST MESSENGER And, sir, you should have seen the Ducks with their aprons - hauling the bricks! And how the Swallows came swooping, and darting and dipping with mouthfuls of mortar! PITHETAERUS Why, if this is true, then human labor is obsolete. But what happened next? Who finished off the job? Who did the woodwork on the wall, who were the carpenters? 56. "The Birds" - Final Version

FIRST MESSENGER The woodpeckers of course; and there they were laboring upon the gates driving and banging with their hard hatchet beaks and such a din, such a clatter they made, hammering and hacking in a perpetual peal, pelting away like shipwrights hard at work on the docks.

PITHETAERUS You had a lot to say once you got started didn’t you? FIRST MESSENGER

(smiles and nods) But the gates are done,the bolts shot home, watchwords make their rounds with clanging bells,; and in three words sir, all is well.

(pause- then matter of factly) But I must go wash my face, my job is done the rest is up to you

(exits,SR aisle,says hello to everyone as she leaves at same time LEADER and the CHORUS enters quickly from SL aisle) ......

SCENE 2

PITHETAERUS What’s that? LEADER A messenger is coming.

PITHETAERUS Not another! (SECOND MESSENGER appears at top of SL aisle and stumbles down the aisle to stage during first line)

SECOND MESSENGER Alas, alas, alas, alas, alas! PITHETAERUS Is that the whole message? 57. "The Birds" - Final Version

SECOND MESSENGER Terrible news! (SECOND MESSENGER faints center stage) CHORUS What? What news? What’s the matter? PITHETAERUS (to CHORUS) Sh-h-h! Be quiet! (PITHETAERUS trying to revive SECOND MESSENGER throwing water on him) What news?

(no response from SECOND MESSENGER) Now she’s really out. Here! Here! Answer me!

EUELPIDES

(CAPTAIN enters with EUELPEDES on HOOPOE’s back) Ho, there! Look out below!

PITHETAERUS What are you doing up there??

EUELPIDES I still don’t trust these wings.

PITHETAERUS Get down off of him!

EUELPIDES (pausing, looking at fallen SECOND MESSENGER) Did you get the message?

PITHETAERUS No, dammit! (to HOOPOE, as he glances at knocked-out SECOND MESSENGER) Put it on order right away - stronger messengers!

CHORUS Tell us! Is it terrible news? EUELPIDES A horrible outrage. Horrible! Here’s what happened-- 58. "The Birds" - Final Version

(the SECOND MESSENGER has been coming to, unnoticed) The gods have heard about our intention, and Zeus has already... SECOND MESSENGER

(quickly jumping in, attempting to give the message himself overlapping EUELPIDES) The thing is that Zeus has already heard what we plan to do

(both EUELPIDES and SECOND MESSENGER continue explaining but since they are both talking at once, we cannot understand a word they are saying) PITHETAERUS Silence! Shut up! One at a time!

EUELPIDES (to SECOND MESSENGER, quarrelsome) You lie down.

SECOND MESSENGER But I was sent here to...

EUELPIDES I started to tell this story.

SECOND MESSENGER I got here first!

EUELPIDES (shouting) You had your chance! You didn’t... SECOND MESSENGER But they’re my lines! You have a bigger part anyway.

EUELPIDES I rode down here on the HOOPOE’s back and got feathers stuck in my butt--

(by now they are shouting at each other at the same time PITHETAERUS stops them) PITHETAERUS Here! Here! 59. "The Birds" - Final Version

SECOND MESSENGER I was sent here to relay this information- PITHETAERUS

(gently, to SECOND MESSENGER) Look. You’ve run a long way. Don’t you want to wash your face? SECOND MESSENGER

(reflective pause) As a matter of fact, I do. PITHETAERUS

(pointing up SR aisle) Right up there. SECOND MESSENGER Oh. Thank you.

(exit SR aisle as FIRST MESSENGER reappears and they pass each other midway down the aisle, shake hands, and go their ways, SECOND MESSENGER to the men’s washroom, FIRST MESSENGER makes it slowly to onto the stage) PITHETAERUS

(seeing FIRST MESSENGER coming) Now before she gets up here with her big mouth, will you tell us the news?

EUELPIDES A god has penetrated the city.

PARTRIDGE, PHEASANT, & ASIATIC FINCH What? On the day our city was built! Oh, horrible! FAN BIRDS & CANARY Let terror strike LEADER Who was on guard? CAPTAIN BIRD The Jays 60. "The Birds" - Final Version SWANS Death to the Jays!

EUELPIDES But it’s one of those minor gods with little wings. That made it tougher. PITHETAERUS Were pursuit birds sent to intercept him? CAPTAIN BIRD Everything we had took off sir: the sparrow hawk reserve, thirty thousand Falcons, every claw-carrying Harrier we could throw in the sky- Kestrels, Buzzards, Owls, Eagles Vultures, you name it- why the whole atmosphere is throbbing and buzzing with the whirr of beating wings as they comb the clouds for that sneaky little god. If you’re asking me, he’s not so far away either.

LEADER To arms, all, with beak and talon! CHORUS War, a terrible war, is breaking out between us and the gods!

(CHORUS raise wings ) CAPTAIN BIRD Look everywhere!

(a conventional puff of smoke appears at top of SL aisle) EUELPIDES Look right there......

SCENE 3 (IRIS appears through the smoke, an unlikely looking goddess with small wings. She waves to audience)

PITHETAERUS Now who are you? ...Home port? Purpose of voyage? 61. "The Birds" - Final Version

IRIS I am Iris the fleet PITHETAERUS Clippership or sloop?

IRIS What does that mean? PITHETAERUS Some buzzard flap up and arrest that witch. IRIS You dare arrest me? what sort of joke is this?

PITHETAERUS Woe to you IRIS Woe to you, too. This can’t be real.

LEADER By which gate did you pass through the wall, wretched goddess? IRIS I didn’t see any gate. I was just out for a short flap.

PITHETAERUS Fine, innocent airs she gives herself!

(mockingly) Well did you report to the Daw on duty at the gate? Where is your stork pass?

IRIS I must be mad! PITHETAERUS What? you never even applied?

IRIS You must be mad! PITHETAERUS

(suggestively) (MORE) 62. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS (CONT’D) Was your form filled out by Colonel Cock and properly punched? IRIS Just let him try! CHORUS (very loud - surprising everyone) Just let him try!

PITHETAERUS So, you just sneak in here, infiltrate our territorial air and...

IRIS But where can a poor god go to exercise?

PITHETAERUS I don’t know and I don’t care. But I’ll tell you this - let us catch you flying through this territory again and you’ll be put to death.

CHORUS To death! IRIS But i can’t die. I’m immortal. PITHETAERUS Don’t try to wriggle out of it, now. Mortal or immortal, you’ll be put to death. We can’t have the whole universe obeying us and you lackadaisical gods get uppity and float around where you please now then, you ariel watch, do you have business here? IRIS I almost forgot - had an errand to do. Zeus sent me. I’m supposed to go down to Earth and tell mankind to sacrifice an ox. Zeus wants a little heady smoke coming up. Helps his sinus. 63. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS Sacrifice to him?

IRIS Who else? Zeus, he’s my father. He’s a god. PITHETAERUS Zeus a god?

(laughs mockingly. BIRDS join him in a great hollow cackling) (roaring) Silence! Remember - once and for all - that we, the birds, are the only deities, from this time forth! IRIS Huh?

PITHETAERUS Man henceforth will sacrifice to us and not to Zeus, by Zeus!

IRIS

(suddenly going into grand tragic style) Oh, fool, fool, fool! Stir not the mighty wrath Of angry gods, lest Justice, with the spade Of vengeful Jove, demolish all thy race, And fiery vapor, with lightning strokes, Incinerate thy city and thyself!

PITHETAERUS

(matter-of-fact tone) Now, listen, girly. Never mind the oratory. You can save that speech for some tragedy next year over at the Playhouse.

(slowing down his rate) And as for you, Miss Messenger Iris, sail my way once more and I’ll lay course right up your lovely legs, and board you at the top, mark my words you’ll be one flabbergasted little goddess when you feel the triple ram of this old hulk. 64. "The Birds" - Final Version

IRIS (not really disgusted..) What a disgusting way to talk. PITHETAERUS

(suggestively) Skedaddle slut (IRIS has backed away only slightly- confused about her feelings- He adds) Well? IRIS (terrified, as she runs off, SL aisle, puff of smoke behind) I’m gonna tell my Daddy on you! Zeus?! Zeus! CHORUS

(with "you’re in trouble now" attitude) The Gods attack has been rolled back rebuffed by our blockade

Let god and man now heed our ban: no transethereal trade.

No more, no more do victuals soar, no savory ascends

and chops and stew are now taboo: the party’s over friends!

...... SCENE 4 PITHETAERUS Now whatever’s happened to that herald we sent down to Earth, to tell the people? (to EUELPIDES) You sent him, didn’t you?

EUELPIDES I did. PITHETAERUS Why can’t we keep these actors around here? 65. "The Birds" - Final Version

(HERALD enters SL aisle , late, obviously having missed his cue,fumbling with her script) EUELPIDES She’s in.

HERALD Oh, PITHETAERUS! (stentorian tones to EUELPIPIDES, who shakes his head and points to PITHEATARUS))

PITHETAERUS High time. HERALD.

(now turning to PITHEATARUS) Oh, thou wisest, thou best - oh, thou wisest and best - thou wisest, deepest, happiest of mankind - happiest, deepest, wisest--

(thinks a moment, then speaks confidentially to PITHETAERUS) HERALD- CONTINUED Let me try it again. (takes a step back as though entering anew, begins from the beginning) Oh, Pithetaerus! thou wis...

PITHETAERUS No, you don’t! Suppose we just get on with the message part?

HERALD

(hurt) All right. But I practiced.

(stentorian again) All men on Earth have been notified, and all are filled with admiration for your wisdom. They acknowledge your leadership, and that of the Birds, and have sent you this golden crown. (holds out his hands in motion of giving crown, but they are empty) 66. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS Yes? HERALD (noticing he has no crown) Oh, dammit! (goes bottom to the SL aisle, then races to the SR woods exit, shouting offstage) Where’s that crown? Somebody was supposed to hand it to me! PROMPTER’S VOICE (off stage) You were supposed to pick it up!

HERALD (shouting off, beginning an ad lib quarrel, both talking at once) When an actor has to make an entrance, he can’t be worrying about props!

(there is an almost out-of-sight scuffle between the HERALD and the PROMPTER,who appears with the crown. PITHETAERUS wearily breaks in, brings HERALD and PROMPTER back to position,grabs the crown, thrusts the crown into the hands of the HERALD, then deliberately takes it from HERALD and crams it on his own head in disgust)

PITHETAERUS Now will you get on with the message? HERALD (pulling himself together) All right.

(in a sudden confidence to PITHETAERUS) Do you get stage fright? I do. PITHETAERUS Get on with it! HERALD (opens his mouth to speak, then breaks down completely, a nervous shambles)

(MORE) 67. "The Birds" - Final Version HERALD (CONT’D) I’m sorry. I’m a wreck. I have to turn in my part. I’m sticking with the Chorus. (HERALD moves back up into the CHORUS- is embraced) PITHETAERUS Does anybody know his lines?

FIRST MESSENGER (hopping to her feet) Yes, sir. I do!

PITHETAERUS I’d hoped it would be anybody but you. All right. FIRST MESSENGER

(quickly taking HERALD’s place, to AUDIENCE and all) I, who have just returned from Earth...

(aside to PITHETAERUS) I haven’t, of course. I’m saying his lines. (back into speech) ...bring you this message. Pithetaerus has become the darling of the mortal world, a name to conjure with! And yet only yesterday, before your dispensation in the skies became a fact, the Spartan craze had swept the faddish world. Why men went mad with mimicry of Socrates, affected long hair, indifferent food, walking sticks, total bathlessness and led, in short, what I can only call a Spartan existence. But then suddenly overnight the Birds became the vogue, the hottest fad in human fashion. All mankind has gone Cloudcuckoolandophile. Even the the latest songs are filled with birds. Any tune with feather in it or or a pinch of fluff becomes a hit. 68. "The Birds" - Final Version

More than ten thousand mortals have followed me here and now await your pleasure. They have gone bird-mad. (HERALD sticks his head in from the wings)

HERALD (to FIRST MESSENGER) I hate you.

FIRST MESSENGER But one last point before I leave. Vast swarms and convoys of men are on the move- all migrating here to CLOUDCUCKOOLAND in quest of wings and the feathered way of life. Somehow sir, you’ll have to wing these mortal immigrants......

SCENE 5

PITHETAERUS Yikes! We best get busy

(people enter, arriving from Earth)

PITHETAERUS (to CHORUS) Go and fill every hamper, every basket you can find with wings. Bring them to me, and I will welcome our new subjects! (as a bustle ensues) FLAMINGO & HAWK Shortly shall our noble town PURPLE FINCH & CANARY Be populous and gay, GULL, ROOSTER & PLOVER High in honor and renown. PITHETAERUS (impatiently) If I get those wings, it may. 69. "The Birds" - Final Version

(EUELPIDES rushes in with a basketful of wings which PITHETAERUS snatches and doles out people pass single file. They affix their new wings as they file across stage leap off, one by one, rapidly. EUELPIDES helps PITHETAERUS as BIRDS bring several more baskets)

CHORUS (during this business) Now rush them forth, in yellow, red, and blue

Feathers of every form and size and hue. CARDINAL & CRESTED GUZZLE Now sort the wings in pinion piles,

by order of professions: (displaying the GULL, displaying the CANARY)

GULL, PLOVER & ROOSTER Seabirds’ wings for nautical types, FAN BIRD ORANGE & CANARY Warblers’ for musicians (CHORUS begins singing "Whistle While you Work")

Just whistle while you work (whistle-----)

Put on that grin and start right in to whistle loud and long.

Just hum a merry song (hum------) Just do your best, then take a rest and sing yourself a song. When there’s too much to do, don’t let it bother you

Forget your troubles try to be just like a cheerful chick-a-dee and Whistle while you work (whistle------)

Come on get smart, tune up and start to whistle while you work (repeat) 70. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS (busy distributing wings, to EUELPIDES) Ask that chorus if it has to be so loud, will you?

(EUELPIDES goes to CHORUS to shush them but while he is trying, they get even louder) PITHETAERUS- CONTINUED

(shouting) It is my desire you work without whistling! (singing stops- abruptly...., )

Partridge, rooster, pheasant, gull & CROW (wounded) Don’t you like choruses?

MUSICIANS (Grumbling, lines on top of one another) I thought we sounded good- I think you sounded off

you were too loud.... etc

PITHETAERUS Back to business here.

(the POET bursts in from SL aisle)) POET Wings! Give me wings! PITHETAERUS Ye gods, you’re back. POET On the lightest of wings I shall soar up on high

And lightly from measure to measure I’ll fly. PITHETAERUS You want wings, do you? 71. "The Birds" - Final Version

POET Let me live and let me sing Like a bird upon the wing. PITHETAERUS Oh, stop that! Talk prose! What do you want wings for? POET I wish to make a tour among the clouds. Modern poetry is very cloudy. Our most brilliant poems now are those that flap their wings in empty space and are clothed in mist. What we want is a dense obscurity. Listen. Now this one is all air. "Bounding along on the path to the seas, Fain I would float on the streams and the breeze..."

(PITHETAERUS signals to CHORUS. SWAN 1, ASIATIC FINCH, & FAN BIRDS get blanket and steal up behind POET) "First do I stray on a southerly way, Then to the northward my body I bear," "Cutting a harborless furrow of air, The air I’ll cleave, I’ll cleave the sky..."

(PARTRIDGE, PHEASANT & SWAN 2 push POET into blanket and they toss him in the air several times)

PITHETAERUS How do you like cleaving the air?

POET This is how you treat people--

(as he is dragged offstage to woods exit) But where are my wings? Wings! I want wings! EUELPIDES Is it over? (From behind SR aisle DELINQUENT SON can be heard singing:" I want to fly like an eagle to to be free, I want to fly like an eagle let my spirit carry me...") 72. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS Not, quite, that messenger of yours was telling the truth, by god. Here comes someone crooning Eagle-ballads. EUELPIDES Sounds more like Steve Miller Band..

DELINQUENT SON (entering) There’s nothin’ on earth like flyin’! Whee! Chee, Cloudcuckooland’s the roost for me! (to EUELPIDES) Hey, man, I’m bats about the Birds! I’m with it chum! I wanna be a Bird! I want your way of life!

EUELPIDES Which way? We Birds have bushels of ways.

(indicating baskets of wings)

DELINQUENT SON If it’s strictly for the Birds, then it’s for me, man. But best of all I like that splendid custom you’ve got that permits a little Bird to choke his daddy dead. PITHETAERUS True. We think it very manly of a young Bird if he walks up and takes a poke at his old man. DELINQUENT SON That’s it, Dad. Exactly why I’m here. I want to throttle the old man and inherit his jack.

PITHETAERUS We Birds observe another custom older still. You’ll find it preserved in the Scrolls of the Storks. I quote: "ONCE THE AGED STORK HATH REARED HIS BROOD AND HIS CHICKS HAVE MADE THEIR MAIDEN FLIGHT ALONE, THEY MUST IN TURN SUPPORT THEIR FATHER IN HIS AGE" 73. "The Birds" - Final Version

DELINQUENT SON A fat lot of good I’ve got from coming here, chum, if I have to go back home and support the old man.

PITHETAERUS I tell you what. You seem a decent lad, and I’ll adopt you as our city’s official Mascot-Bird. But first some good advice I received as a toddler at my mother’s knee: Don’t drub your dad. Take this wing instead. With your other hand, accept this spur. Here, your helmet is this crest. Now march off, rookie. Drill, stand your guard, live on your pay and let your father be. DELINQUENT SON By god, I think you’re right. What’s more, I’m game.

(he exits same way as people with wings) PITHETAERUS You damn well better be. Now! Prepare for the feast! Bring me food to roast, and a spit, and the makings of a fire. Oh, dear, I have to do everything.

......

SCENE 6 (Everyone has scattered leaving the stage clear, CHORUS removes remaining baskets of wings.

*** ominous music/Hitchcock Birds *** PROMETHEUS, a sneaky, shadowy figure, his cloak about his face and carrying an umbrella, has darted on, looked about the stage suspiciously, checking every nook and corner for someone who may be following him, PITHETAERUS renters from woods) PROMETHEUS Is there a god following me? 74. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS Not that I know of. PROMETHEUS Easy does it. I hope old Zeus can’t see me.

Psst. Where’s PITHETAERUS? PITHETAERUS Who are you, blanket?

PROMETHEUS Shh. Are there any gods on my trail? PITHETAERUS No, not a god in sight. Who are you? PROMETHEUS What’s the time? Is it dark yet?

PITHETAERUS You want the time? It’s still early afternoon. Look, who the hell are you? PROMETHEUS Is it milking-time, or later’ PITHETAERUS

(to AUDIENCE) I don’t know about you, but I’m getting bored. PROMETHEUS I shall reveal myself.

PITHETAERUS Well, take your time. Don’t rush. (PROMETHEUS throws the cloak back from his face. PITHETAERUS throws open his arms and greets him loudly and delightedly) Prometheus! My old friend, Prometheus! PROMETHEUS (in a panic) Shh! Not so loud 75. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS What’s the matter?

PROMETHEUS Shh. Don’t even whisper my name. If Zeus spots me here, he’ll cook my goose but good. Now then, if you want to learn the lay of the land in heaven, kindly open up this umbrella here and hold it over my head while I’m talking. Then the gods won’t see me. (PITHETAERUS takes the umbrella, opens it up, and holds it over PROMETHEUS) Zeus never liked me, you know. PITHETAERUS No

PROMETHEUS Ever since I stole that fire from him. Gave it to men. My name has been mud. I still get in up there, but he doesn’t trust me.

PITHETAERUS Of course. PROMETHEUS Well. Let me tell you. I’ve got all the news from Olympus. Brace yourself. PITHETAERUS Shoot

PROMETHEUS Zeus has had it. PITHETAERUS Since when? PROMETHEUS Since the moment you founded the city of Cloudcuckooland. Since that day not a single sacrifice, not a morsel of food not even a whiff of smoke, not even a message has floated up to heaven. In consequence, my friend. Olympus is starving to death. The’ve gone wild with hunger. 76. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS Good. PROMETHEUS More than that. Mutiny.

PITHETAERUS Who? PROMETHEUS The Barbarian Gods they took in recently. Stone Age gods for Stone Age people. Unless Zeus gets the air lanes open, he’ll be out on his ear- don’t say I told you

PITHETAERUS What will Zeus do?

PROMETHEUS That’s it. That’s what I came for. Zeus is sending a committee. A committee of gods. Ought to be here any minute. I ought to get out of here before they come. One of the barbarian gods is with ’em. Checking up. Anyway. They’re going to come to you and sue for peace. Here’s the thing. Don’t you do it. Don’t you agree to a thing unless Zeus acknowledges the rule of the birds. And... are you listening?

(PITHETAERUS nods eagerly) Don’t stop there. To protect yourself... ask for one of the goddesses in marriage. That’ll make it stick. Protect your line. PITHETAERUS Oh PROMETHEUS Any particular goddess you like? PITHETAERUS Why, yes. Yes! There was a little thing in here today. Iris, her name was. 77. "The Birds" - Final Version

PROMETHEUS Fine. Ask for Iris. (getting up) Well, I’ve got to get out of here. Hell to pay. I only came for a minute, to let you know. But you can count on me. I’m a friend. Steady to the human interest. Always was.

PITHETAERUS I never eat a roast without thinking of you. PROMETHEUS Besides, I loathe the gods.

PITHETAERUS The loathing’s mutual, I know.

PROMETHEUS I’m a regular scourge to them, a regular scourge. Well, bye-bye. Give me the umbrella. If anyone asks, you haven’t seen me.

PITHETAERUS Right

PROMETHEUS

(on his exit:) Courage.

...... SCENE 7 PITHETAERUS Oh, my god, I’ve got to hurry! (PITHEATARUS rushes offstage woods. Puff of Smoke. Enter the Peace Delegation from Olympos: first, POSEIDON, carrying a trident, then HERCULES, and finally TRIBALLOS, in unfamiliar Olympian robes)

POSEIDON This damn smoke. I wish they’d cut that stuff out. (pulling himself together) On your dignity, gods. 78. "The Birds" - Final Version

Here we are. And there before us, ambassadors, lies Cloudcuckooland. (TRIBALLOS, by now hopelessly snarled up in his robes, trips and falls flat on his face) Damn you! Back on your feet, you hulking oaf. Look, you’ve got your robes all twisted up. No. Screw them around to the right. This way. Where’s your dignity, you heavenly hick?

O Democracy, I fear your days are numbered if Heaven’s diplomatic corps is recruited like this! Dammit, stop twitching! Gods, I’ve never seen a gawkier god than you!

-Look here, Hercules, how should we proceed in your opinion?

HERCULES You hoid me, Poseidon. If I had my way, I’d throttle the guy, any guy, what dared blockade the gods.

POSEIDON My dear nephew, have you forgotten that the purpose of our mission here is to treat for peace? HERCULES I’d throttle him all the more. (Enter PITHETAERUS and EUELPIDES followed by FLAMINGO, CANARY, CARDINAL, DOVE with cooking items, they set up. They pointedly ignores the presence of gods)

PITHETAERUS

(to ATTENDANTS) Hand me the cheese grater. Vinegar, please. All right. Now the cheese. Poke up that fire, somebody. POSEIDON Mortal, three immortal gods give you greeting. (dead Silence) Mortal, three immortal- 79. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS Shush: I’m slicing pickles. HERCULES Hey, what kind of meat is dat?

EUELPIDES ( as if another BIRD was asking) Nice plump fowl

HERCULES I thought you liked birds. Didn’t think you’d roast ’em. EUELPIDES Oh, there were some jailbirds who wouldn’t join the party. Politically unreliable. Sentenced to death on the charge of high treason against the sovereign birds.

(cooking the entire time) HERCULES And dat luscious gravy gets poured on foist?

PITHETAERUS (looking up for the first time) Why hullo there: it’s Hercules! What do you want?

POSEIDON Mortal, as the official spokesman for the Divine Delegation, I venture to suggest that-

PITHETAERUS (holding up an empty bottle) Drat it. We’re out of oil. HERCULES Out of oil? Say, dat’s a shame. Boids should be basted good. POSEIDON -As I was on the point of saying... 80. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS What’s that? ...Oh Poseidon- welcome- I didn’t see you POSEIDON Well--- um.. Olympos regards the present hostilities as utterly pointless. Further, I venture to observe that you Birds have a great deal to gain from a kindlier Olympos. I might mention, for instance, a supply of clean rainwater for your Birdbaths and a perpetual run, say, of halcyon days. On some such terms as these we are formally empowered by Zeus to sign the articles of peace.

PITHETAERUS Poseidon, you forget: it was not the Birds who began this war. Moreover, peace is our desire as much as yours. And if you gods stand prepared to treat in good faith, I see no obstacle to peace. None whatsoever. Our sole demand is this: Zeus must restore his royal sceptre to the Birds. If this one trifling concession seems agreeable to you, I invite you all to dinner. HERCULES Youse has said enough. I vote Yes.

POSEIDON You’re a jack ass , an idiotic glutton! Would you dethrone your own Father? HERCULES He’d be mad, huh? PITHETAERUS I object, Poseidon. Look at it in this light. Can you gods be unaware that you actually stand to increase, not diminish your power by yielding your present supremacy to the Birds? Why, as things stand now, Men are doing all kinds of things when your backs are turned, especially on cloudy days. But if you put us in charge, we’ll watch (MORE) 81. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS (CONT’D) out for you. Birds get around. Let’s say some man down on Earth has promised to offer a sacrifice if he gets a certain favor. Well, he gets the favor and then he forgets all about the sacrifice. We’ll keep track of him and then if he breaks his word suddenly down swoops a Raven when he’s least suspecting it and pecks out his eyes!or our eagles and hawks will snatch double the promised sacrifice from his farmyard and fly it up to you. POSEIDON Holy Poseidon! You know. I think you’ve got something there.

(to TRIBALLOS) What do you say?

TRIBALLOS Fapple gleep.

EUELPIDES That’s Stone Age for Yeah.

HERCULES Friend, youse is right. Zeus should give dat sceptre back to the Birds. POSEIDON What do you think, Triballos? HERCULES (threatening him with his club) Vote Yes, bub, or drub youse.

TRIBALLOS Schporckl nu? Momp gapa birdschmoz kluk. HERCULES See? He votes with me POSEIDON If you both see eye to eye, I’ll have to go along. 82. "The Birds" - Final Version HERCULES Dat does it. Hey, youse. The sceptre’s yours.

PITHETAERUS I nearly forgot one other small condition. But I must have Iris as my wife. Zeus can have the others. I only want Iris. On that demand I stand absolutely firm. POSEIDON Then you don’t want peace. PITHETAERUS Just little Iris. (the Delegation prepares to leave, HERCULES with great re-luctance)

POSEIDON The gods do not marry beneath them! Come, we must go. PITHETAERUS It’s all the same to me. -Oh chef: put the gravy on thick.

EUELPIDES Just like you my friend.

(offering PITHETAERUS a taste) Here have you ever tasted anything so good? HERCULES I don’t want to go to no war about no woman!

POSEIDON It is annoying. I never cared much for Iris, anyway. But what can we do?

HERCULES We can give in. POSEIDON I’m sorry. It’s impossible.

HERCULES You go back. I’m giving in. (starting back toward spit) 83. "The Birds" - Final Version

POSEIDON (grabbing him) Listen, you blockhead. Don’t you see? It’s not simply a matter of Zeus losing everything. You’d lose everything, too. You’re his son and heir to everything he owns. HERCULES Oh.

PITHETAERUS (has been listening and intervenes between POSEIDON and HERCULES) No, you don’t. No, you don’t. Watch your step. Hercules, you’re being hoodwinked. Come here. I want a word with you.

(draws him aside) As far as Zeus goes, you may be his son, but you’re not his heir. HERCULES What do you mean? PITHETAERUS I hate to be the one to break it to you. You should have been told. It’s been all over Olympus for years. I’m sorry, but you’re illegitimate. you’re a bastard.

HERCULES What’s dat, I’m a bastard?

PITHETAERUS Of course you’re a bastard-by Zeus. Your mother, you see, was an ordinary mortal woman, not a goddess. In other words, she comes of foreign stock. Which makes you legally a bastard, pure and simple.

HERCULES But what if the Old Man swears I’m his son? PITHETAERUS The law still says No. In any case. Poseidon here, who’s been egging (MORE) 84. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS (CONT’D) you on, would be the first person to challenge the will in court. As your father’s brother, he’s the next-of-kin, and hence the legal heir since Zeus has no legitimate sons. Let me read you the provisions of the law. (he draws a lawbook from his robes) In the words of Solon himself: so long as legitimate issue shall survive the deceased, no bastard shall inherit. In the case that no legitimate issue survives, the estate shall pass to the next of kin.

That’s the way it is. You won’t get a thing.

POSEIDON Here, what are you telling my feeble-minded nephew? HERCULES He says I’m a...

(bursts into tears) PITHETAERUS I was simply mentioning his origins.

HERCULES (weeping) Uncle is it true? POSEIDON

(turns away, bites his lip, braces himself) Well, Hercules. You’re a big boy now. It’s time you knew. (HERCULES bawls louder)

EUELPIDES (to TRIBALLOS) Poor fellow. He didn’t know. 85. "The Birds" - Final Version TRIBALLOS Feber slumpka donkma! POSEIDON Now, now, nephew. Zeus will leave you something in his will. PITHETAERUS I’ll give you something right now. Roast Fowl

HERCULES (Through tears) I always knew there was something about me.

PITHETAERUS I will make you a king and will feed you on bird’s milk and honey. HERCULES Take me! I wasn’t wanted! (EUELPIDES comforts HERCULES)

PITHETAERUS Poseidon, I’ve got his vote, what do you say?

POSEIDON No. A resounding No PITHETAERUS Then it rests with Triballos. -What’s your verdict, my friend?

TRIBALLOS Gleep? Schnoozer, skirt wotta twitch snock! Birdniks pockle. Ugh.

HERCULES He said Iris is for the Boids. Hoid him. POSEIDON And I distinctly heard him say the opposite: A firm No-with a few choice obscenities added HERCULES he never said a doity word All he said was: Give ’er to the Boids. 86. "The Birds" - Final Version POSEIDON I yield. You two can come to terms together as you please. Since you seem to be agreed on everything, I’ll just abstain. Peace is made. PITHETAERUS And just think - we have the wedding feast all ready!

HERCULES (to POSEIDON) You go get Iris. I’ll keep an eye on the roast.

POSEIDON No, you’re too fat now. PITHETAERUS I have it. You hurry up to Olympus and bring them the news. That’ll make them respect you! (HERCULES brightens up) Bring me the sceptre... Hey TRIBALLOS, don’t forget to bring me Iris! TRIBALLOS Plen slops noek refeneep roolops leex from! ha ha!

(to EUELPIDES, as HERCULES and TRIBALLOS nod and go. Smoke, then exit amphitheater right)

(EULEPIDES exits amphitheater left) Go get the Hoopoe and give him the news. (to POSEIDON) You. You turn the roast. And don’t burn it!

POSEIDON (offended) I am not the god of the kitchen. PITHETAERUS You’re taking orders from me now. Remember that! ...... 87. "The Birds" - Final Version

SCENE 8 (resignedly POSEIDON goes to the spit and tries to turn the mast with his tines, aloofly. EUELPIDES has rushed in again with HOOPOE and PROCNE from amphitheater left)

HOOPOE Oh, Bird-King! The treaty’s concluded! The universe is ours! PITHETAERUS

(to FOUR BIRDS tending food) -You there, servants. Bring my wedding clothes along. (exeunt PITHETAERUS- singing "Fly me to the Moon"and FLAMINGO, CANARY, CARDINAL, DOVE ampitheater right. POSEIDON is at spit, poking chicken with tines)- - CALVIN’s wedding PROCESSIONAL-

(CHORUS enters and forms two lines along the amphitheater path while HOOPOE and PROCNE dance on stage to the music. EUELPIDES observes from the platform)

CHORUS He comes, he comes, and with him comes the splendid glory of a bride whose beauty has no peer. In his hand he shakes the winged thunderbolt at Zeus, the flash of lightning. He comes! Greet your King with song! Raise the wedding song the lovely Muses sing!

(re-enter PITHETAERUS, gorgeously attired, from amphitheater right, his long train carried by HERCULES AND TRIBALLOS beside him, walks the veiled figure of IRIS, with BLUE JAY, CANARY, CARDINAL, DOVE following the procession) LEADER Make way! Make way! Welcome your King with beating wings!

(CHORUS all raise a wing and form an archway/tunnel for the procession to walk through- fluttering wings after they pass by. LEADER orchestrating, SWANS throw petals from center stage) 88. "The Birds" - Final Version

PITHETAERUS I thank you for your songs Thank you, thank you, one and all. PITHETAERUS

(at about center stage he extends his hand to IRIS and together they dance up the amphitheater left aisle, PROCNE and HOOOPE follow procession- - entire group climbs up the guest room porch steps for final song, CARDINAL, BLUE JAY, DOVE and CANARY stay onstage) Reach me your hand, dear bride. Now take me by my wings, oh my lovely, my sweet, and let me lift you up, and soar beside you through the buoyant air!

EUELPIDES (from center stage, while chorus is still lining the aisles, to AUDIENCE and CAST) Now lets follow the bridal party, one and all. Soar on high, you happy breed of Birds, to the halls of Zeus, to the bed of love!

ENTIRE CAST (sings "Going to the Chapel" celebrating and taking a bow)

Spring is here and the sky is so very blue

Birds all sing, as if they knew Today’s the day, we’ll say "I do"

and we’ll never be lonely anymore

______

Cause we’re goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married Gee I really love you and we’re gonna get married

Goin’ to the chapel of love ______Spring is here and the sky is so very blue

Birds all sing, as if they knew 89. "The Birds" - Final Version

Today’s the day, we’ll say "I do" and we’ll never be lonely anymore ______

Cause we’re goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married Goin’ to the chapel and we’re gonna get married Gee I really love you and we’re gonna get married

Goin’ to the chapel of love Goin’ to the chapel of love Goin’ to the chapel of love

CURTAIN