THE BIRDS By Aristophanes Adapted by Sarah Long June 11th, 2016 Bedford Hills, NY "The Birds" - Final Version SCENE 1: A desolated wilderness. In the background is a single tree and the sheer rock-face of a cliff. Enter, in the last stages of exhaustion, EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS. On his arm EUELPIDES has a PIGEON, PITHETAERUS has a CROW. EUELPIDES (to PIGEON) Straight ahead, croaker? Over by that tree? PITHETAERUS Damn this cracked Crow! He keeps cawing me backwards. EUELPIDES (to PIGEON) Look, halfwit, you’re supposed to be guiding us! If we don’t stop this zigzagging pretty soon, I’m through. PITHETAERUS I must have been mad - that I should travel a hundred miles with only a crow giving me directions! EUELPIDES You’re mad. Look at me, man - hitched to a pigeon. PITHETAERUS I’ll be damned if I know where we are. EUELPIDES Say, do you suppose we could find our way back home from here? PITHETAERUS I wouldn’t want to even if we could. EUELPIDES (stumbling) Hell. 2. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS That’s just where we’re headed now, old man. EUELPIDES (to CROW) A lot of good you are! (calling to PITHETAERUS, who is wandering about the stage, CROW is wandering through the audience) I told you we couldn’t trust that bird-seller. Telling us these dodos would just naturally lead us to the King of the Birds! I don’t think they ever heard of the King of the Birds. And if they did, I’ll bet they are disloyal. (PIGEON opens his mouth with a SQAWK!) Don’t open your face like that! You look anything but attractive. (PIGEON head begins jutting toward edge of stage, CROW returns to PITHETAERUS) Where? Where? Over there? (his eyes glued to PIGEON,who points with his wing, EUELPIDES quickly moves in the indicated direction) All right. All right. I’m going. Keep showing me. That’s a..... (he falls off the stage) you knew that! That’s what you had in mind! (begins to chase his bird. PITHETAERUS, who has been wandering, CROW is pecking at PITHETAERUS’ hands) Find something? What’s your bird doing? PITHETAERUS Biting my damn fingers off. EUELPIDES Any road up there? PITHETAERUS Nothing. No road anywhere. 3. "The Birds" - Final Version EUELPIDES Oh, dear. I haven’t got a nerve left. (to AUDIENCE) I suppose you wonder what we’re doing here? I wonder, too. You probably think we are crazy. We are. We come from very good families. Legitimate. We were very respected people back home in Athens. Very fine city. You probably think we were thrown out. (shakes head) Just got up and left. Walked out. Still walking. We don’t hate Athens. Fine city. Rich, too. Every person has absolute freedom... to pay taxes. Every person has a constitutional... right to ruin himself. Of course, the town’s full of lawyers. Always suing everybody. Government men, too. And inspectors. Always inspectors! (during this speech, CROW is very busy around the stage) PITHETAERUS My bird’s doing something! EUELPIDES I’ll bet I know what. PITHETAERUS No... No, watch! (CROW get excited and begins preening and gussying up for meeting new birds) EUELPIDES So we started off with a stewpot, a knife and a fork - a few myrtle berries - and, here we are. PITHETAERUS Here! Look! (PIGEON joins activity) EUELPIDES Has that other bird really got anything? 4. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS It’s behaving like there were other birds around somewhere! EUELPIDES Mine’s doing it, too! Where? Where? PITHETAERUS Dammit, look for some birds! EUELPIDES Maybe we could scare them up if we made some noise. PITHETAERUS That’s right. Here... Kick your leg against that rock. EUELPIDES Wouldn’t it be louder if we used your head? PITHETAERUS Kick your leg against that rock! EUELPIDES All right. (kicks rock and screams in pain) OOWWWW! PITHETAERUS That’s fine. That ought to do it. Ready, now. They’ll be coming. ............................................................ SCENE 2 ( the SLAVEBIRD, enters from onstage nest with beak high in the air and attitude- EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS take cover, CROW and PIGEON make their escape- each flapping up a different amphitheater aisle) EUELPIDES Apollo help us! What a beak on the Bird! SLAVEBIRD Halp! Nest-robbers! Egg-stealers! Bird-catchers! Halp! 5. "The Birds" - Final Version EUELPIDES You hear that? His bark is worse than his beak. SLAVEBIRD Men, you die! EUELPIDES But we’re not men. SLAVEBIRD What are you? EUELPIDES I don’t know about him, but, me? I"m a bird: Turdus Turdus - an African migrant, commonly known as, The Fearling SLAVEBIRD What nonsense. Never heard of that. EUELPIDES Not nonsense, crap. Look at my feet. SLAVEBIRD (indicating PITHETAERUS) And that bird over there? What’s his species? EUELPIDES Another one of the Yellow Bellied School. PITHETAERUS Me? Brown-tailed Smellyrump. Quail family. Commonly known as The Crapple. EUELPIDES (To SANDPIPER) Say, what about you Birdie? What the hell are you? SLAVEBIRD I’m a Slavebird. Slave to Epos, King of the Birds. When the boss got himself changed into a Hoopoe, I put in my application for feathers too so I could stay in his (MORE) 6. "The Birds" - Final Version SLAVEBIRD (CONT’D) service, doing odd jobs and butlering. Suppose he wants some sardines. Up I jump, dash down with a dish and catch him some fish. If it’s soup he wants, I grab a little ladle and skitter to the kettle. EUELPIDES Quite the runner, eh? Tell you what, runner-bird: just skitter inside and fetch your master out. SLAVEBIRD He will be angry. PITHETAERUS We’ll risk it. SLAVEBIRD Very well, the Fearling and.. EUELPIDES ...The Crapple. (SLAVEBIRD takes nest and exits SR aisle, turning to threaten or check on them as he climbs the steps) PITHETAERUS (to EUELPIDES) -Whoosh, I’m still shaking. EUELPIDES Me too. And guess what. My Pigeon’s gone, got clear away. PITHETAERUS Got away? Why you big baby, were you so scared you dropped your load? EUELPIDES Well, what about you? Where’s your bird? PITHETAERUS (suddenly realizing his bird is also gone) I gave him his freedom 7. "The Birds" - Final Version EUELPIDES That was decent of you... ............................................................ SCENE 3 (HOOPOE enters, stops at the top of amphitheater SR steps, looking grand but a bit ridiculous-, preens and announces...) HOOPOE Who wants me? EUELPIDES I can’t imagine. HOOPOE Does someone dare to laugh at the King of the Birds? EUELPIDES No... no... just a little giddy... (walking down to the stage) HOOPOE You must know, strangers, that I once was a man. Born of woman, married to a wife, I was unfaithful to my dear Procne. Now I am changed by Apollo into a bird, and Procne is the Nightingale, and I am faithful at last. EUELPIDES (to AUDIENCE) We’re certainly getting the exposition out. HOOPOE Who are you? EUELPIDES Mortals. Haven’t had any affairs with Nightingales. HOOPOE From what country? 8. "The Birds" - Final Version EUELPIDES Athens, the land of democracy, where everyone is equal. HOOPOE You’re not government men? EUELPIDES Anti-government men. HOOPOE I thought that species had become extinct? EUELPIDES You can still find a few growing wild - if you look hard enough. HOOPOE But what brings you here, gentlemen? EUELPIDES Your assistance and advice. HOOPOE My advice? About what? EUELPIDES You were mortal once as we are mortal now. You once were plagued with creditors, and we’re plagued now. You welshed on your debts; we welsh on our debts now. But though you were mortal once, you became a Bird and flew the circuit of the spreading earth and sea; yet both as Bird and Man you understand. And so we come to you, ask for your help, bearing our hope that you may know some land, some country like a blanket, soft and snug, between whose folds two tired men might flop. 9. "The Birds" - Final Version HOOPOE And Athens won’t do? You want something more... splendid? EUELPIDES It wasn’t exactly splendor we had in mind. No, we wanted a country that was made just for us. HOOPOE But my dear fellow, what do you want? EUELPIDES Oh, the sort of country where the worst trouble I could have would be friends trooping to my door bright and early in the morning to pester me with invitations for dinner: "C’mon, old boy, I’m throwing a big celebration. So fresh up, give your kiddies a bath, and come on over. And don’t go standing me up, or I won’t turn to you when I’m in trouble." HOOPOE Zeus, you like your troubles pleasant, don’t you? (to PITHETAERUS) And you? PITHETAERUS I like pleasant troubles too. HOOPOE I see, as a matter of fact, there is a city like that. On the Red Sea. PITHETAERUS (rising, asserting himself now) No, no! No sea ports. Let a ship dock, and there’ll be a process server on it. Someplace remote. Uninhabited. Unaccessible. Wait a minute! Now, wait a minute! EUELPIDES You have an idea 10. "The Birds" - Final Version PITHETAERUS Yes! EUELPIDES I hate to bring it up. But, The last idea you had was using birds for guides. PITHETAERUS No, listen, now. Listen! EUELPIDES It isn’t as though I had a choice. (to AUDIENCE) You do. You can go home anytime. PITHETAERUS (to EUELPIDES) Sh-h-h-h! EUELPIDES) (to AUDIENCE Sh-h-h-h! PITHETAERUS Tell me. What is it like to live with the birds? HOOPOE It’s not a bad sort of life.