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Why Divorce is Often Not the Best Option: Rationale, Resources, and References By Brent A. Barlow, Ph.D. Graphic Credits: Eye for Design

and references that might assist from divorce is far more devastat- THE her and -in-law with ing than many people realize when CROSSROADS this critical decision. Since that contemplating the move.1 time, I have had numerous similar Not long ago I was talking to a requests from married couples, friend who asked if I could help in their friends or members, as LARGE NUMBERS AT some way with a difficult situation well as from several young adults THE CROSSROADS that had arisen in her family. who were seriously contemplating Her daughter and son-in-law of even as their A large number of married several years were contemplating a were considering divorce. couples in the United Sates appar- divorce. They had two children. The decision to divorce or ently approach the crossroads. She said the young couple wasn’t remain together to work things Approximately 40-50 percent of sure at the time, however, if they out is one of the most important couples in first arrive at should divorce or stay together. decisions you will ever make. It is this point and eventually choose They were looking at both options crucial for those considering the path of divorce. The divorce and were, therefore, at the cross- divorce to anticipate what lies rate for couples in second mar- roads of marriage. I told my friend ahead in order to make informed riages is between 50-60 percent. I would send her some materials decisions. Too often the fallout Many other couples apparently

Marriage & 21 reach the crossroads but decide, highly conflicted relationships. some of these relationships as well. for various reasons, to stay mar- In these situations divorce is One study reported that the ried. A Gallup Poll conducted in most often in the best interest of major reasons marriages fail are the found that 40 those involved. Chronic (in rank order) (1) , (2) no percent of married individuals had or substance , psychosis or longer in , (3) emotional considered leaving their partners, extreme mental illness, and problems, (4) financial problems, and 20 percent said they were dis- physical or mental abuse are also (5) sexual problems, (6) problems satisfied with their marriage about reasons to divorce.5 with in-laws, (7) neglect of half the time.2 Stated another way, Couples who divorce, particu- children, (8) physical abuse, (9) nearly half the couples in the larly for the reasons noted, often alcohol, (10) job conflicts (11) United States currently divorce, need the help and support of fam- communication problems, and and another 20 percent have seri- ily, friends, neighbors, religious (12) married too young.6 ously considered it. leaders, and others in their Interestingly, physical abuse Many newlyweds reach the respective communities. This is was ranked as number eight in rea- crossroads of marriage during the particularly so where children for divorce, and “no longer in first or second year of marriage: are involved. The adjustment to love” ranked as the number two Even newlyweds face serious divorce is often difficult and reason for divorce. Many mar- problems during the first year of apparently lasts for a considerable riages seem to end from burnout marriage. A study of several hun- period of time. Legal assistance is rather than blowout. A significant dred newlywed couples found that needed, and sometimes couples number of these couples could 63 percent had serious problems may need counseling or therapy work through their problems, related to their finances, 51 per- before, during, and after the sepa- revive their love, and stay married cent had serious doubts about ration for themselves and their if they desired and worked at it. their marriage lasting, 49 percent children, if they have them. Only the and had significant marital problems, Competent counselors and thera- involved in a particular marriage, 45 percent were not satisfied with pists are available to assist in this however, can make that decision as their sexual relationship, 41 per- transition. they are the ones who must ulti- cent found marriage harder than mately abide by the consequences they had expected, and 35 percent of their choices. stated their partner was often POINTS TO PONDER It is becoming increasingly critical of them.3 evident, however, to those who If you are at the marriage cross- study marriage trends in the roads and trying to decide United States, that a large number SOME DIVORCES whether to divorce or stay mar- of divorces could, and perhaps ARE WARRANTED ried–or if someone you know is– should, be avoided in the best carefully consider the following interests of those involved. While advocating marriage, we thirteen items before you make must be sensitive to those who your “informed decision”: It is finally time to renounce have chosen to terminate their –openly and clearly–the self- marriage. There could be legiti- 1. THE OTHER 70 PERCENT OF serving platitudes about inde- mate reasons or grounds for DIVORCES pendence and fulfillment and divorce. An estimated 30 percent When we note that 30 percent look at the reality of divorce. We of the divorces in the U.S. involve of divorces involve couples in act too frequently as if every marital relationships with a high highly conflicted marriages, a infirm marriage deserves to die, degree of conflict.4 Sometimes vio- question arises about the other 70 based simply upon the emotional lence, physical and mental abuse, percent: Should they divorce or report of one distressed partner. and/or threat of life to and stay married? There are, perhaps, Rather than viewing a separation children are also present in these strong reasons for separating in first with alarm, we’re full of

22 Marriage & Families sympathy for a divorcing divorce of their parents; more- friend, and we offer under- over, half of the children born standing of the temporary this year to parents who are insanity involved in sever- married will see their parents ing old ties…. If you hear divorce before they turn 18. someone for whom you have Mounting evidence in social any feeling at all hinting at science journals demonstrates separation, instead of tacitly Half of the children that the devastating physical, endorsing the move, instant- emotional, and financial effects ly protest. Nearly every mar- born this year to that divorce is having on these riage has something worth parents who are children will last well into preserving, something that adulthood and affect future can be restored. Revitalizing married will see generations. Among these broad a relationship brings tri- their parents divorce and damaging effects are the umph and ongoing reward…. before they turn 18. following: Avoiding divorce spares • Children whose parents those concerned from the have divorced are increasingly greatest trauma of their the victims of abuse. They lives.7 legal agreement between two exhibit more health, behav- people. Marriage truly makes a ioral, and emotional problems, 2. WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF A difference in the lives of men are involved more frequently in STABLE MARRIAGE? and women.8 crime and drug abuse, and have Several researchers and higher rates of suicide. authors have reported the 3. WHAT CAN BETHEIMPACT OF • Children of divorced parents importance of a stable marriage DIVORCE ON CHILDREN? perform more poorly in read- for adults: It is obvious that a large ing, spelling, and math. They As the researchers have gone to number of children of divorced are also more likely to repeat press with their work and pro- parents survive the experience a grade and to have higher duced an enormous literature, and later become capable and dropout rates and lower rates one of the most consistent stable adults.9 But it is also of college graduation. findings is that men and becoming increasingly evident • Families with children that women do markedly better in that many children of divorce are were not poor before the divorce all measures of specific and at risk for developing detrimen- see their income drop as much general well-being when they tal behaviors, personality disor- as 50 percent. Almost 50 percent are married, compared to any ders, and disruptive lifestyles. of the parents with children that of their unmarried counter- Some of the variables in adjust- are going through a divorce parts. Married couples are ment of children to parental move into poverty after the healthier–physically and men- divorce are (1) age of at divorce. tally–and they live longer, divorce, (2) amount of conflict in • Religious worship, which has enjoy a more fulfilled life, and the marriage, (3) access to both been linked to better health, take better care of themselves parents after the divorce, (4) longer marriages, and better (and each other). This has adjustment to a step-, if family life, drops after the been shown consistently over there is one, and (5) access to parents’ divorce.10 decades, but it is rarely men- other nurturing adults during The divorce of parents, even if tioned in the popular debate the childhood years. it is amicable, tears apart the on the family. One of social fundamental unit of American science’s best-kept secrets is that Each year, over 1 million society.11 marriage is much more than a American children suffer the

Marriage & Families 23 There are two other similar have the least negative impact on “one third regret the decision myths about divorce: children. It may be that some five years later. Of the individu- couples who file for divorce and als involved, two in five (40 per- Two faulty beliefs provide the attend the required divorce edu- cent) believe their divorce could foundation for our current cation class are among those have been avoided.”13 A recent attitudes towards divorce. The who decide not to proceed with letter-to-the editor in a large U.S. first holds that if the parents are the termination of their mar- newspaper reflected the senti- happier the children will be riage. Perhaps serious thought of ments of one man among the happier, too…. Children are not the impact of divorce on children estimated one-third who regret- considered separately from their should precede filing for divorce ted his divorce. Under the title parents; their needs, and even as well. “Divorce Isn’t Worth the Cost,” their thoughts are subsumed he wrote: under the adult agenda…. 4. MANY LATER REGRET DIVORCE Indeed, many adults who are Once people have made the I would wish to comment on trapped in very unhappy mar- decision to divorce, how do they the letter that ran Jan. 2 con- riages would be surprised to later feel about the choice? There cerning the weakening of men learn that their children are may be some immediate relief in and children through divorce. relatively content. They don’t many instances right after the Anne Smart-Pearce was the care if mom and dad sleep in divorce, but how do author. To my great sorrow, I different beds as long as the and feel months or even must admit I am a divorced family is together…. years later? My current estimates husband and . Anne are that about one-third of the speaks of the terrible price that A second myth is based on the couples who divorce feel they is being paid and then asks, “If premise that divorce is a tempo- made the right decision, another a had an equal fear of rary crisis that exerts its more one-third are uncertain or losing her children, would she harmful effects on parents and have mixed feelings about their so readily seek a divorce? Or children at the time of the divorce, and approximately one- would she do all in her power to .…The belief that the third of divorced couples eventu- avert such a tragic outcome?” crisis is temporary underlies the ally regret the decision within Might I add this, husbands notion that if acceptable legal five years. and wives, if there is even one- arrangements for custody, vis- In addition, many divorced half of an ounce of friendliness its, and are made people in the United States left in your marriage, take each at the time of the divorce and apparently wish they had made a other by the hand, look at each parents are provided with a few greater effort to make their mar- other’s eyes and then remember lectures, the child will soon be riage work. In Minnesota, 66 the love that brought you fine. It is a view we have fer- percent of those who are cur- together in the first place! Let vently embraced and continue rently divorced answered “yes” each other know, somehow, to hold. But it’s misguided.12 to the question, “Do you wish that you are needed, loved, and you and your ex-spouse had wanted! If you fail, you will In many states, if you do file tried harder to work through reap the whirlwind, especially for divorce and you have chil- your differences?” In a New you, . You will lose all dren, you will be required to Jersey poll, 46 percent of that is important, near and dear attend a two-hour class on divorced people reported that to you. And that is your sweet divorce education before your they wished they and their wife, your wonderful children, divorce is granted. This class is ex-spouse had tried harder to and your home. not designed to tell you whether work through their differences. Oh, that I had been more you should divorce but rather Research from indi- wise and not let my pride be my reviews how to deal with it to cates that of people who divorce, downfall. I can tell you with

24 Marriage & Families The following books deal with ways knowledge that a seemingly in the late ’80s and who stay to strengthen marriages and with endless tragedy does await! The married, rated this same mar- the realities of divorce: mornings do come when you riage as either “very happy” or awake, call her name, and then “quite happy” when inter- • Diane Medved, The Case Against realize that you are alone in a viewed again in the early 1990s. house that is ever silent and Divorce (New York: Donald I. does not answer back.14 The very worst marriages Fine, Inc. 1989). showed the most dramatic turn- • Michele Weiner Davis, The 5. SHOULD COUPLES WORK ON arounds: 77 percent of the stable Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step THEIR MARRIAGE? married people who rated their Program for Saving Your Marriage Nearly all, if not all, mar- marriage as very unhappy (a (New York: Simon and Schuster, riages go through peaks and val- one on a scale of one to seven) 2001). leys, times of highs and lows. in the late ’80s said that the • Michele Weiner Davis, Divorce Most of married life, however, is same marriage was either “very Busting; A Step-By Step Approach To spent cycling between these two happy” or “quite happy” five Making Your Marriage Loving extremes. During difficult times, years later. Permanent marital Again (New York: Simon And between 40-50 percent of unhappiness is surprisingly rare currently married seek among couples who stick it out. Schuster, 1992). divorce and follow through with Five years later, just 15 percent • Judith S. Wallerstein, Julia M. it. And, as previously noted, of those who initially said they Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee, The about 20 percent of those who were very unhappily married Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (New stay married consider leaving (and who stayed married) York: Hyperion, 2000). a marriage partner but later ranked their marriage as not • Linda J. Waite and Maggie choose not to do so. The vast unhappy at all.15 Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: majority of unhappily married Why Married People Are Happier, couples in the United States Also, it is important to Healthier, and Better Off Financially apparently do improve their rela- note that, according to recent (New York: Doubleday, 2000). tionship if they stay married. research, unhappily married • Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, (See sidebars, pp. 25 & 29, for adults who divorced were no several suggestions on available happier or healthier five years and Susan Blumburg, Fighting For resources.) later than unhappily married Your Marriage (New York: Jossey- adults who stayed married, even Bass Publishers, 2001). 6. THE BIG BOUNCE BACK if the divorced spouses remar- • Glenn T. Stanton, Why Marriage Researchers have asked and ried.16 Apparently divorce is not Matters (Colorado Springs, Colo.: then answered this question: a good bet to make us happier Pinon Press, 1997). How many unhappy couples and healthier. Indeed, the • James Dobson, Love Must Be turn their marriages around? evidence is just the opposite. Tough: New Hope for Families in The truth is shocking: 86 Crisis, (Nashville, Tenn.: Word percent of unhappily married 7. CALCULATE THE FINANCIAL Publishing, 1996). Contains people who stick it out find that, CONSEQUENCES OF suggestions for husbands or wives five years later, their marriages TERMINATING YOUR MARRIAGE are happier, according to an The financial costs to mar- who are in the process of losing analysis of the National Survey ried couples for divorce are often a spouse to another person, of Families and . substantial. These costs include excessive hours at work, or Most say, they’ve become very legal or ’ fees, which aver- various kinds of addiction such as happy indeed. In fact, nearly age $7,000 per couple ($3,500 drugs or pornography. The book three-fifths of those who said per person) in the United is written from a strong Christian their marriage was unhappy States.17 Some divorces cost perspective.

Marriage & Families 25 more; others less. An uncon- couples bounce back within tested divorce involving no five years. Your marriage, children in Utah costs however, may not take as between $500-$1,000. If the long to turn around. Also, proceedings go to court and be aware of questionable there is litigation, costs go as advice you may receive dur- high as $10,000-$20,000 for ing this time from others, legal fees. If there is a sizeable Love lost can be particularly peers who are amount of property and pro- regained in time divorced or unhappily mar- longed litigation, costs could ried. Remember, love lost be $40,000-$60,000 and even with new skills can be regained in time as high as $100,000 or more with new skills and effort. in some cases. The hourly and effort. wage for many lawyers today 10. USE DISCRETION WHEN is $200-$300. The use of SEEKING MARRIAGE accredited divorce COUNSELING services can help reduce the If you do seek marriage costs. 8. THINK ABOUT THE LONG- counseling, be very careful in There will also be additional TERM CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR choosing your therapist. Make DECISION costs for housing, moving Many who divorce are satis- sure the therapist understands expenses, transportation, poten- fied with the decision to end your desire to work on improv- tial loss of income during their marriage. But it is becom- ing your marriage, and ask your divorce proceedings and transi- ing increasing evident that a therapist to help you in this tion, additional occupational significant number, as many as endeavor. Also, make sure the training–particularly for custodi- one-third, later regret their therapist has been trained in al spouse of children (if divorce. This is particularly so helping couples stay together, children are involved)–child when the long-term conse- where possible. Professional care, partial loss of retirement quences are experienced or and competent counselors will benefits, and sometimes addi- actually encountered. Seriously honor this request. Discuss the tional costs to state government, consider not only the apparent fees in advance, which range members, and immediate benefits of divorce from $60 to $100 or more for charities if initial income is but also the long-term conse- a fifty-minute session. Many minimal. There may also be quences many others have expe- Health Maintenance Organi- considerable financial conse- rienced. Divorce is a decision zations (HMOs) currently do quences during retirement for that many make but later regret. not pay for marriage counseling. husband, wife, or both. And most divorces are forever. In addition, if you seek personal Also consider that “Families counseling, HMOs will often with children that were not 9. TAKE TIME TO MAKE YOUR determine whom you will see poor before the divorce see DECISION and the number of sessions you their income drop as much as The decision whether to are allowed. Choose wisely from 50 percent. Almost 50 percent divorce is one of the most impor- among the therapists allowed on of the parents with children that tant ones you will ever make. your insurance program, if you are going through a divorce And if you do decide not to have one. Remember: they are move into poverty after the divorce right away and want to working for you and your mar- divorce.”18 Perhaps the greatest work on improving your mar- riage! Before you choose a coun- costs of divorce, however, are riage, take several months to selor, review the article “How not financial, but the emotional do so. As previously noted, 86 Therapy Can Be Hazardous to costs that were previous noted. percent of unhappily married Your Marital Health,” by

26 Marriage & Families William J. Doherty, Ph.D. their applications for divorce Read his comments about on file before September 11, “therapy-induced marital sui- 2001. In Houston, Texas, cide.”19 for example, “Dismissals in Although marriage coun- divorce cases have skyrock- seling with a competent thera- eted in the Harris County pist can be invaluable for courts since the some distressed couples, most The first terrorist attacks of September couples turn their marriages bond of 11th. Family-law cases, the around without formal vast majority of which are counseling. Of course, many society is divorces, have been dismissed couples seek help from their in nearly three times the religious leaders, with men marriage. volume in the days after the generally preferring religious- tragedy as in the days before based help.20 it.”23 Similar trends apparent- ly occurred elsewhere, 11. CONSULT WITH YOUR nondenominational group is although they did not last RELIGIOUS LEADERS OR Retrouvaille (A French word long . ADVISORS meaning “rediscovery” and What does this brief trend If you and/or your spouse pronounced “retro-vi”.) When after September 11, 2001, sug- are religious people and belong both husband and wife attend gest? Why were so many military to a particular faith or denomi- Retrouvaille meetings and work personnel married in the follow- nation, I urge you to seriously at their marriage, the success ing weeks before they were consider talking to your reli- rate of staying together is 85 deployed for duty abroad? gious leaders. They often are a percent.22 Why is it that in times of crisis great source of hope and encour- we place higher value on mar- agement by adding the spiritual 13. REMEMBER THE 9/11 ALERT riage and family relationships? dimension to marriage during Almost everyone in the Michael Von Blon, a family law difficult times. Consider attend- United States will remember attorney in Texas, stated that in ing religious services while you September 11, 2001 (ninth times of tragedy, “people stop are making your decision about month, eleventh day) when the and think about the most basic divorce. Married couples who do two planes crashed into the things in life: companionship, attend religious services on a World Trade Center in New love and family” (ibid). Why weekly basis have a one-third York City and another plane do we need a national tragedy lower divorce rate than those crashed into the Pentagon to remind us, once again, who do not.21 Building in Washington, D.C., of the importance of marriage and fourth in Pennsylvania. We and family relationships? 12. LEARN FROM OTHER all witnessed over and over the Apparently, such events help us MARRIED COUPLES WHO HAVE tragic details of these events and realize the value of ancient BEEN AT THE CROSSROADS the aftermath as it was broadcast wisdom: There are couples in the again and again on national and United States who have serious- local television programs. These Two are better than one; ly considered divorce and then vivid images will likely remain because they have a good decided to work on their mar- with us for many years to come. reward for their labour. For if riages and stay together. Some What some may not know, they fall, the one will lift his of these couples are available however, is that immediately fellow; but woe to him that is to conduct seminars and work- following these tragic events, alone when he falleth; for he shops. One such national and many married couples withdrew hath not another to help him

Marriage & Families 27 up. Again, if two lie together, Generation at Risk; Growing Up in an Era of The following websites contain Family Upheaval (Cambridge, Massachusetts: then they have heat: but how Harvard University Press, 1997) 220. valuable information on strengthen- can one be warm alone? And if 5 Diane Medved, The Case Against Divorce: ing marriages: one prevail against him, two Discover the Lures, the Lies, and the Emotional Traps of Divorce–Plus the Seven Vital Reasons shall withstand him; and a to Stay Together (New York: Donald I. Fine, • www.utahmarriage.org threefold cord is not quickly Inc. 1989) 103-30. 6 Created with Utah residents in broken.24 Olson and Defrain, ibid., 522. 7 Medved, ibid., 11, 73. mind. Married couples and/or 8 Glenn T. Stanton, Why Marriage Matters In presenting this informa- (Colorado Springs, Colo.: Pinon Press, 1997) 73. individuals can access information 9 David B. Larson, James P. Sawyers, and and/or helpful resources. tion, I have tried to provide a Susan S. Larson, “The Costly Consequences balance by first noting that there of Divorce: Assessing the Clinical, Economic, • www.divorcebusting.com are situations when divorce is and Public Health Impact of Marital Has many tips for helping couples in the United States” (Rockville, warranted. It is evident that Maryland: National Institute for Healthcare with marriage. Michele Weiner some individuals are better off Research, 1995) 136. Davis has also created a ten-hour not married to each other. I 10 Patrick R. Fagan, and Robert Rector, “The Effects of Divorce on America” Executive audiocassette program and work also have indicated and stated Summary (Washington, D.C.: The Heritage book titled “Keeping Love Alive” Foundation, 5 June 2000 ). Available on the reasons why I believe it is marketed at this website. beneficial for many, if not most, Smart Marriage home page under Marriage Reports. www.smartmarriages.com. • www.smartmarriages.com husbands and wives to stay 11 Lisa Laumann-Billings, and Robert E. together and work through their Emery “Distress among Young Adults from Created and maintained by Divorced Families,” Journal of Family Diane Sollee. The Web site lists a differences in their marriage. Psychology, 14 no. 4 (Dec. 2000): 671-87. Hopefully, married couples 12 Judith Wallerstein, Julia M. Lewis, and number of current articles on will take the time to make Sandra Blakeslee, The Unexpected Legacy of marriage and marriage education Divorce, A Twenty-Five Year Landmark Study an “informed decision” when (New York: Hyperion, 2000) xxiii-xxiv. programs available throughout contemplating divorce. 13 William J. Doherty, “Questions and the United States. Organizations Answers on the Minnesota Covenant Over two thousand years Marriage Option,” (University of Minnesota, promoting marriage are also listed. ago, Roman statesman and 1999). Available at www.smartmarriages.com. • www.marriagemovement.org orator Marcus Tullius Cicero 14 Guy M. Bradley, “Letters to the Editor” Deseret News (11 Jan. 2001) A-10. A twenty-nine page document (106-43 BC) stated, “The first 15 Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. describing the current Marriage bond of society is marriage.” I Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Movement in the United States. believe it still is. Scott M. Stanley, Does Divorce Make People Happy: Findings from a Study of Unhappy You are invited to endorse the Marriages (New York: Institute for American Dr. Brent A. Barlow teaches at Brigham Values, 2002) 148-49. document. Young University and has served as 16 Waite, et. al., ibid., 11. • www.family.org 17 Steve Nock, “Calculating the Financial Cost chair of the Governor’s Commission on of Divorce” Presentation at the Smart Has many helpful materials on Marriage in Utah since 1998. Marriages Conference, Washington, D.C. marriage from Focus on the 1999). 18 Family, a Christian Organization Thanks to David Schramm, David Fagan and Rector, ibid. 19 See www.smartmarriages.com. founded by Dr. James Dobson. White, and Lisa Evans who helped 20 Waite, et. Al., ibid., 29. write this article. 21 David B. Larson, James P. Sawyers, and • www.divorcereform.org Susan S. Larson, “The Costly Consequences Contains trends in divorce reform of Divorce: Assessing the Clinical, Economic, References and Public Health Impact of Marital legislation in the United States 1 Michelle Weiner Davis, Divorce Busting; A Disruption in the United States” (Rockville, Step-by Step Approach to Making Your Marriage and some interesting statistics on Maryland: National Institute for Healthcare Loving Again (New York: Simon And Research, 1995) 26. contemporary divorce. Schuster, 1992) 25. 22 See website at www.retrouvaille.org. 2 David H. Olson and John Defrain, Marriage 23 Mary Flood, Houston Chronicle (25 Sept. and the Family, Diversity and Strengths. 2001). (Mountain View, Calif.: Mayfield Publishing 24 Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. Co., 1994) 6. 3 ibid., 6. 4 Paul R. Amato and Alan A. Booth, A

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