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The Montclarion Student Newspapers
4-4-2019
The Montclarion, April 4, 2019
The Montclarion
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The Montclarion #MSUStudentVoice Since 1928
Volume XXIX, Issue 22 Thursday, April 4, 2019 themontclarion.org DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.
A Montclarion Former Nickelodeon Web Star Miranda Mystery: The Case of the Cosgrove Attends Montclair State Broken Computers Rebecca Serviss Opinion Editor
On the first morning of April, Dr. Keith Strudler, the director for the School of Communica- tion and Media (SCM), was tak- ing a spring stroll around the back side of the SCM. He was glancing out at the Manhattan skyline when sud- denly he heard the sound of broken glass and a loud thud. Strudler turned around and noticed nine PC desktop com- puters lying on the ground SPECIAL behind him. All of them were broken. “It was a nice sunny day and I EDITION: had some free time so I decided to take a walk,” Strudler said. “I was not expecting to almost be April Fools! crushed by flying computers.” Shortly after the PCs hit the ground, they burst into flames, sending Strudler fleeing with fear. “Of course I ran away, I think anyone would have,” Strudler said. “Something did not feel right, and I knew this was no accident.” Before he left the scene, Rocky the Red Hawk (left) welcomes Miranda Cosgrove (right) to Team Rocky. The Montclarion Adrian Maldonado| Strudler noticed that the win- Adrian Maldonado sion shows and movies. Her voice acting and got a major dream school ever since she dow of The Montclarion office Staff Writer most popular role was in the role in the animated franchise was younger. was shattered. He immediately Nickelodeon series “Drake and “Despicable Me.” Nonetheless, “It still feels surreal that I got rushed over to the office, but no In March, Montclair State Uni- Josh,” where she played an evil shortly after the last movie was accepted to my dream univer- one was there. versity students felt indifferent little sister named Megan Park- recorded, Cosgrove felt like sity. Deep down I knew that Demanding answers, Strudler after rumors circulated that Mi- er, always torturing her broth- there was something missing Montclair State was where I contacted the fire department randa Cosgrove, a former Nick- ers with devious pranks. from her life. That’s when she was destined to be and every- and Capt. Kieran Barrett from elodeon actress, was enrolled When “Drake and Josh” end- realized she never really had one has been so nice to me these the Montclair State University at the university. However, ed, Cosgrove started to work the true college experience as a past few semesters,” Cosgrove this week, Cosgrove decided to on a new teen sitcom on Nickel- result of being home-schooled said. “Most importantly, every- Computers continued on Page 2 make an official announcement odeon called “iCarly,” playing due to her acting career keeping one has respected my privacy about her enrollment at Mont- the main character Carly Shay, her so busy. and that’s why not everyone clair State through her social a girl who created her own web After she toured through knew I attended here.” Crossword puzzle & media accounts. show with her best friends. many different universities, Cosgrove mentioned she more on p. 11 Cosgrove is known for her After “iCarly” concluded in Cosgrove decided to choose iconic roles in different televi- 2012, Cosgrove decided to try Montclair State, which was her iCarly continued on Page 4
NEWS FEATURE OPINION ENTERTAINMENT SPORTS
p. 3 p. 6 p. 12 p. 16 p. 19 The Mont- There’s Snow Montclair State’s Student Artist Amateur Athlete clarion Staff Place Like Club New Sarcasm Profile: Photo Essay: Gets Hitched Penguin Minor is Totally Tommy Wiseau Anthony Gabbi- Idiot Proof anelli PAGE 2 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion themontclarion.org
THE MONTCLARION Computers: Suspect faces property damage School of Communication and Media, Room 2035 Montclair, N.J. 07043 and arson charges if caught The Montclarion is a publication of Montelican Publishing, Inc. pub- Continued from page 1 lished weekly, except during examinations, summer and winter ses- sions. The Montclarion is funded by student fees distributed by Mont- clair State University and incoming advertising revenue. The views Police Department (UPD), alerting expressed in the Opinion section, with the exception of the Main Edi- them of the situation. torial, do not necessarily reflect the views ofThe Montclarion. Strudler requested to see the secu- The Montclarion has a commitment to accuracy and clarity and will print corrections or clarifications if information is found to be incorrect. rity camera footage of that morning. To report an error of fact or a Letter to the Editor, email the Editor-in- “The tape showed a group of Chief at [email protected]. students entering the office around Information reported in the Red Hawk Rap Sheet comes directly from 11:30 a.m.,” Barrett said. “In terms the MSU Police Department. We do not print retractions to the rap of the incident, we were not able to sheet unless information directly from the police report is incorrect. We find the person responsible for the can print an update to the events only if the newspaper is given access crime.” to relevant documents to corroborate the information. When found, the person respon- All submissions to the newspaper become property of The Montclarion. sible will be charged with property We do not print articles from anonymous contributors. damage and possibly arson. The The first issue ofThe Montclarion, then named The Pelican, was UPD is still investigating the situa- published on Nov. 28, 1928. tion. Rebecca Serviss | The Montclarion Still demanding answers, Strudler A pile of broken PC desktop computers from The STAFF called The Montclarion faculty ad- Montclarion office lie on the concrete in flames after a viser, Tara George, who was in a suspect threw them out the window. meeting at the time, hoping she Executive Board Editorial Board would have some information and a last longer than four years and no one Editor-in-Chief News possible suspect. will get frustrated enough to throw Haley Wells Heather Berzak George was shocked to hear about them out the window again. montclarionchief montclarionnews this incident and was not able to “We fully support The Montclarion @gmail.com @gmail.com name anyone who might have been and believe it is a vital part of Mont- responsible. She has faith that the clair State,” Cole said in a statement. Managing Editor Feature members of The Montclarion edito- “These students work hard each Dominique Evans Alexa Spear rial board will cooperate with the in- week to publish high quality and ac- montclarionmanaging montclarionfeature vestigation and not do anything else curate reporting without making up @gmail.com stupid, like making up things she quotes, and they deserve to have the @gmail.com might have said. latest technology just like everyone “I know these students very well else in the School of Communication Operations Opinion Rebecca Serviss and I believe that none of them have and Media.” Manager an evil bone in their bodies to com- After multiple requests, the mem- Gabriela Cevallos montclarionopinion @gmail.com mit such a heinous crime like this,” bers of The Montclarion editorial montclarionadsales George said. “The only thing I know board have declined to speak on the @gmail.com is that The Montclarion is due for subject, but they are thankful for the Entertainment new office computers.” help from the university. Business Thomas Neira In order to keep the newspaper The Montclarion also plans to use Manager montclarion running, University President Susan whatever money that is “left over” to- Joohi Rana entertainment Cole and the Montclair State Univer- ward a staff vacation to Walt Disney montclarionbusinessmanager @gmail.com sity Board of Trustees have agreed World next month, despite spend- @gmail.com to fund The Montclarion $15,000 for ing a lot of money on the wedding of Sports nine new computers and to fix the Entertainment Editor Thomas Neira, Assistants Anthony Gabbianelli broken window. Sports Editor Anthony Gabbianelli montclarionsports News Cole hopes these computers will and Photography Editor Ben Caplan Adrianna Caraballo @gmail.com Opinion Chief Copy Editor AJ Melillo Fiorella Medina Corinne Appel montclarioncopy Carly Henriquez @gmail.com Feature Red Hawk Rap Sheet Claudia Graphic by Habrahamshon Teresa Gomez Web Editor John Slahor Entertainment montclarionweb Javier Reyes @gmail.com Friday, March 29 Thursday, March 28 Sharif Hasan Lot 60: Various students report- On Campus: A female student Photography ed that an unidentified flying commuter reported her pet Copy Ben Caplan object was spotted over Lot 60 lizard, Nugget, snuck into her Priscilla Cartagena in the late afternoon. The UFO backpack without her knowl- Jennifer Losos montclarionphotography@ Olivia Paez gmail.com was flying in circles for about edge. Nugget escaped and is Brielle Wyka an hour. This incident is under currently on the loose on cam- Video Editor investigation. pus. This incident is under Mackenzie Robertson investigation and a reward is Sports [email protected] Monday, April 1 being offered for finding the Corey Annan lizard. Samantha Impaglia Social Media Manager Center for Environmental and Erika Jakubiszen Life Sciences: Multiple students Photography montclarionsocialmedia@ reported that the hand soap in Saturday, March 30 Olivia Kearns gmail.com the labs have been replaced with Student Center: A male student different shades of food color- reported that the beloved pool Faculty Production Editor ing. They are complaining that table on the third floor was sto- Faculty Advisor Kevin Saez it won’t come off, and it is ruin- len. Students are now concerned Tara George montclarionproduction ing everything they touch. UPD about what they are going to do georgeta @gmail.com suggested that the students try to pass the time between classes. @montclair.edu using nail polish remover and This incident is under investiga- rubbing alcohol. tion. Writers and Contributors Anyone who has information regarding these incidents Gabriella Dragone, Christopher Giacomini, Brian Hernan- is urged to call the police station at T-I-P-S (8477). dez, Carly Henriquez, Dillon Hoffman, Adrian Maldonado, Kristen Milburn, Brian Rooney
All calls are strictly confidential. themontclarion.org The Montclarion • April 4, 2019 • PAGE 3
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. The Montclarion Staff Gets Hitched Three members of the student newspaper make ultimate bro sacrifice by tying the knot
Jen Losos Assistant Copy Editor
The weather could not have been more picture-perfect for a wedding as three men took the term “bromance” to the next level by making the ultimate bro sacrifice by getting hitched. With the wind howling throughout the ceremony, three Montclair State University stu- dents and staff members of The Montclarion gathered in the School of Communication and Media to get married. Montclarion members Ben Ca- plan, sophomore English major and photography editor, An- thony Gabbianelli, senior jour- nalism major and sports editor, and Thomas Neira, sophomore communication and media arts major and entertainment editor, were wed by Fiorella Medina, senior English major and chief copy editor. The three men have become “bros” this past semester and their bromance cultivated into the ultimate three-person wed- ding. The ceremony for the three men took place on Sunday, Montclarion members Ben Caplan, Anthony Gabbianelli and Thomas Neira embrace in a hug after the wedding ceremony. Jen Losos | The Montclarion March 31 in The Montclarion staff office. No one showed up on time. The ceremony had is four, four, I am for this mar- the perfect ambiance of March riage. Forever.” Madness and music played Medina was then asked to from a tiny violin. The three control her laughter so the cer- “Love is something special. Special has seven men were led in ceremony as emony could continue. they held hands in a circle and Caplan went next, showing letters and we are three people. Seven minus three exchanged vows. true love for his bros. Gabbianelli went first in ex- “I noticed that the way we are changing vows. holding hands is in the shape of is four, four, I am for this marriage. Forever.” “Love is something special. heart,” Caplan said. “I think Special has seven letters and that’s really beautiful because it we are three people,” Gabi- also symbolizes the love I have - Anthony Gabbianelli, Sports Editor anelli said. “Seven minus three in my heart for all of you.”
Caplan was not done, show- got officiated for this staff wed- for a group chest bump and a ing how far he would go for his ding. The wedding had no ob- group hug to end the ceremony. bros. jections besides an ill-timed The reception was held at the “Most people think that I only phone call. Red Hawk Diner, with a toast like two things in my life, Rita’s The men were shown support to the three newlyweds made and dogs,” Caplan said. “And by their families – girlfriends with water provided by the Red while that is somewhat true, I included. The grooms opted Hawk Diner staff. love you two more. I swear to you, I will give up Rita’s for a week for you guys.” Neira went last, proclaiming his love and appreciation for his bros. “I remember joining at the beginning of the semester and being super nervous because I didn’t think that I would fit in well,” Neira said. “I want to thank both of you for making that journey so easy and com- forting and so welcoming.” Neira continued by making promises to his bros. “I vow to continue to be the best entertainment editor I can be and now I vow to be the best husband that I can ever be,” Jen Losos | The Montclarion Jen Losos | The Montclarion Neira said. Montclarion Sports Editor Anthony Gabbianelli (left), Entertainment Editor Montclarion Photography Editor Ben Caplan (left) and Entertainment Editor The three men were then led Thomas Neira (center) and Photography Editor Ben Caplan (right) join hands Thomas Neira (right) lock arms during the wedding ceremony. in ceremony by Medina, who during the wedding ceremony. PAGE 4 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion themontclarion.org
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. iCarly: Cosgrove just wants to be treated like everyone else at the university Continued from page 1 started to get really involved for us, and we just chilled and “I love when she makes our on campus and joined Team watched ‘School of Rock.’” class do random dancing in the Rocky. She didn’t want her act- Ledeon continued saying that middle of lectures. At first, our ing skills to go to waste so she besides the ghost they swear professor used to get so mad said she might as well use them was haunting their apartment, because he didn’t know where to play everyone’s favorite Cosgrove and Ledeon have had the music and disco lights were mascot. such a great time at Montclair coming from, but he has grown Cosgrove currently dorms State and have made a strong used to it.” in Hawk Crossings with her bond. Cosgrove wished that every- roommate Nickie Ledeon, a ju- The students in Cosgrove’s one treated her like a normal nior majoring in television pro- classes have been starstruck by student instead of a celebrity. duction. the fact that a celebrity is in the She is flattered with all of the “It’s been an honor to dorm same room as them. Commu- selfies she’s been taking with with someone who I have nication and media arts junior other students but for now, she looked up to my whole life. Danny Fanton has slowly de- just wants to live a normal life When I first found out she was veloped a crush on the former and enjoy her college experi- my roommate, I thought it was web star. ence as much as possible. a prank or some other girl with “She’s so cute. Every time she “It really is all here,” Cos- the same name as her,” Lede- talks in class it’s like sparks fly grove said. “I’m so happy to be on said. “I remember the first like electricity, and I might die a Red Hawk and I can’t wait to night after we moved in togeth- because I forget how to breathe see what Montclair State has in er, she cooked spaghetti tacos when I see her,” Fanton said. store for me.” “I remember the first night we moved in to- gether, she cooked spaghetti tacos for us and we just chilled and watched ‘School of Rock.’”
- Nickie Ledeon, junior television production major Adrian Maldonado | The Montclarion Miranda Cosgrove makes her official announcement through Twitter. Casper the Friendly Ghost Inspires New Hawk Crossings Conditions Casper assists Residence Life to scare away the Ghostly Trio with renovated apartments
Haley Wells dence Life that updating the Editor-in-Chief buildings would disgust his The age-old legend is true. uncles and force them out of Hawk Crossings at Montclair haunting Hawk Crossings. State University is haunted, but “My uncle Stinkie would es- not by ones anyone would ex- pecially hate the newer apart- pect. ments because he loves the Casper the Friendly Ghost smell of the moldy carpets,” and his uncles, of the Ghostly Casper said. “He’ll miss blend- Trio, were caught by multiple ing in with them.” residents of Hawk Crossings. Casper’s uncle Fatso has been Reports were made to the Uni- haunting Hawk Crossings with versity Police Department re- his brothers Stretch and Stinkie garding the rowdy spirits. After for years. The three of them call a thorough investigation, it was themselves the Ghostly Trio. revealed that the poor condition “Everything was fine and of the apartments is what was spooky until Casper told the keeping the ghosts active for all university to ‘change the look’ these years. of Hawks,” Fatso said. “My The Montclarion was able to brothers and I only stick around gain exclusive interviews with to tease the residents with bees Casper and his uncle Fatso. and strange smells.” “My uncles have created this Some apartments in the 200 bad reputation for Hawks,” building were renovated and Haley Wells | The Montclarion Casper said. “It’s so bad that created a safer environment for Casper the Friendly Ghost inspired Residence Life to update Hawk Crossings living conditions to make his uncles, the the university hasn’t bothered students. Ghostly Trio, stop haunting the apartments. to renovate the apartments in Miranda Cosgrove, former years because students already web star and current Hawk wanted to come into rooms Fatso complained about the to uphold!” hate their lives here with the Crossings resident, explained from the 70s,” Cosgrove said. renovations and believes the It seems like renovating resi- ghosts, so people didn’t think how her apartment felt so much “My apartment last year was school should stop interfering dential buildings on campus nicer buildings would make the more livable when the moldy terrifying with a bee infesta- with his hauntings. can actually have a positive experience better.” carpets and ancient appliances tion, a broken oven and creepy “These new fancy apartments impact on students and protect Casper arrived on the scene were replaced. ghosts, but thankfully my new- are trying to boot me out,” Fat- them from the haunting images last year and informed Resi- “It was like the ghosts only er apartment feels great.” so said. “But I have a reputation of the 70s. themontclarion.org themontclarion.org The Montclarion • April 4, 2019 • PAGE 5 Oh, you don’t work for The Montclarion?
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For further inquiries or to book an appointment, email [email protected] or stop by the Student Center Annex, Room 207 PAGE 6 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion themontclarion.org
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.
Penguins gather in The Plaza, as an April Fools Day party commences throughout the island. Screenshot taken by Haley Wells There’s Snow Place Like Club Penguin Online addiction resurfaces and melts student success
Haley Wells People were devastated on March 29, February 2018, the site has been up and guine hasn’t stopped playing Club Editor-In-Chief 2017, when the website closed down. Vi- running since April 26, 2018. With the Penguin since she realized last week sions of snowball fights and trying on website’s return also comes the return of that a rewritten version was out. The best memories of college stu- wacky theater costumes were destroyed the Club Penguin addiction. “My friends told me about a re- dents’ childhoods consisted of creat- when longtime users realized they would Montclair State University students are written site becoming available, ing octopus pizzas and asking Aunt no longer be able to pass the time on this no strangers to the interactive game. Stu- and now we skip class to act in the Arctic for advice. The Club Penguin dear site. dents are playing Club Penguin before, plays at The Stage,” Penguine said. Times and the Pizzatron game were Luckily, Club Penguin returned with a during and after their classes, and the ad- “We’ve been in three plays so far, just a few highlights of the iconic rewritten website. After its initial open in diction is showing in their grades. and we always get a big audience. I website, Club Penguin. February 2017 and then its brief close in Sophomore acting major Adelie Pen- finally am becoming a star with my acting degree!” Penguine said her grades have dropped significantly, and she has stopped coming to her acting classes. “Why go to class when I can gain credits on the Club Penguin stage anyway?” Penguine said. Senior English major Flip Pers feels similarly to Penguine and has been publishing his poems in the Club Penguin Times for weeks. “I’ve been published in the Club Penguin newspaper about five times now,” Pers said. “My poetry is being read by hundreds of users. I haven’t bothered to read any class assign- ments because I’ve been so busy writing for my fans.” Pers said he’s been approached to sign autographs in the Club Penguin coffee shop and that he even plans to create Open Mic Nights there. “There’s no better place to share your art than on Club Penguin,” Pers said. Not all students are happy with the Club Penguin addiction. Junior business management major Ice Different plays are put on by The Stage and specific costumes are sold for each play. Screenshot taken by Haley Wells Kween believes students need to be themontclarion.org The Montclarion • April 4, 2019 • PAGE 7
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.
Penguins are able to own and care for puffles, the Screenshot taken by Haley Wells Different exhibits were added to the island during Screenshot taken by Haley Wells designated penguin pets. April Fools, including this painting at the dock.
more dedicated to school. Club Penguin Times, is happy to see so “It’s very upsetting to watch students many students forgoing their studies to throw away their futures by playing this explore the island. childish game in class,” Kween said. “This website is very addicting for “Students ditching class and home- “What’s so fun about random snowball work has been a blessing for the Times,” fights, owning puffles, riding mine carts, students and can impact a student’s Arctic said. “Penguins are reading more racing on snow hills and being a secret newspapers on the island than they are agent anyway? Actually, that does sound GPA, attendance and overall success reading articles for classes. Print has nev- kind of fun.” er been more alive!” University President Susan Cole plans at the university. But, I do really want Now that college students are in to put a stop to the website... if she could charge of their own bank accounts, they stop playing the game herself. to see if the iceberg will tip or not!” can forge parental permission to use the “This website is very addicting for stu- social chat of the website and buy their dents and can impact a student’s GPA, own memberships. Club Penguin will attendance and overall success at the be funner than ever, and professors will university,” Cole said. “But, I do really - Susan Cole, University President have to learn how to incorporate the site want to see if the iceberg will tip or not!” in their lessons if they want to avoid Aunt Arctic, the editor-in-chief of the teaching empty classrooms.
Tipping the iceberg is a legend users have been Screenshot taken by Haley Wells The Club Penguin Times is run by Aunt Arctic and Screenshot taken by Haley Wells trying to prove for years. includes jokes, riddles, poetry and art created by Club Penguin users. PAGE 8 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion themontclarion.org
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. Undergraduate Tuition Aid Cut by 50 Percent to Fund College Hall Entertainment Attractions
College Hall’s anticipated design is seen in this 2020 3D depiction of the future infrastructure. Photo courtesy of Montclair State University
Carly Henriquez Franklin said. “It’s too bad the students Assistant Opinion Editor had 50 percent of their tuition aid unfairly taken from them. However, I’ll gladly take In recent events, College Hall has been a picture of them standing in front of the under construction for several semesters building.” now. As said by countless faculty members, Cole mentioned how the money from it is likely to have the latest renovations and the students will help achieve more school resources for upcoming students; however, spirit in College Hall and on campus. it will come with a hefty price. “Picture this: Another 12-foot bronze University President Susan Cole explained hawk statue in the middle of College Hall,” the choice behind financing the upgrades. Cole said. “Admittedly, it would cost us “College Hall is perhaps one of the cost- another $210,000 to have it assembled, but liest buildings we’ve had to invest in,” Cole Montclair State can make headlines again said. “This is because we’ve decided to im- in the NBC local newspaper.” plement a state-of-the-art movie theater on Many students living on campus were the upper floor as part of the entertainment frustrated when they heard how much attractions.” money will be spent on the reconstruction. A poll was conducted on Montclair State’s Undeclared sophomore Jackson Rob- Instagram story where students were able bery is a resident at Bohn Hall and thinks to vote to omit all stairs from the inside of the funds should be spent elsewhere. the building and only desire to have escala- “Our water pipeline recently broke on tors installed. the fifth floor,” Robbery said. “I would Felicia Arrando, a junior studying fine like to borrow some of that money for my arts, explained her vote to install escalators needs instead.” on the Instagram poll. Rumors spread all over the campus “I do enough walking from Carpe Diem about the new construction and many to the disgustingly old Calcia building,” faculty members are telling their students Arrando said. “I pay out of pocket anyway. there will be a rooftop pool open to the I might as well treat myself with a fun esca- student body. lator ride.” “Imagine all the pool parties we can do,” However, not all students reacted with a said George Ramos, a senior majoring in positive outlook. Jackeline Roberson, a po- film studies. “This spring semester is go- litical science major and current freshman, ing to be lit if you ask me. I guess you can shared her frustration. say, ‘It’s All Here.’” “I should’ve chosen Rutgers University,” According to Cole, due to the many Roberson said. mixed feelings from both the students Thomas Franklin, an assistant professor and professors, each school department for School of Communication who is also will design their own floor plans of Col- a professional photojournalist, is looking lege Hall in order to accommodate their forward to the renovations but empathizes needs. However, there will be an ultimate with students. rock-paper-scissor competition. The win- “Imagine all the pleasing pictures I can ners will be in charge of designing the The Red Hawk statue built Photo courtesy of Montclair State University take once the renovations are complete,” building. just outside of College Hall cost $210,000. themontclarion.org The Montclarion • April 4, 2019 • PAGE 9
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.
Director of the School of Communication and Media Keith Strudler (left) has challenged former reigning rap battle champion University President Photo edited by Alexa Spear Susan Cole (right) to a rematch in the form of a poetry slam contest. Keith Strudler Challenges President Susan Cole to Poetry Slam Rematch
Gabriella Dragone “I mean, I didn’t think we were going “Again? Didn’t he do this last year?” sway them to support him. Staff Writer to have to do this again,” Cole said. “I ob- said senior Justin Ramirez. “I watched last “I don’t really know who he is,” said Dr. viously proved that I’m the best. I domi- year’s rap battle, and it was dope. I was Sangeeta Parashar, a sociology and statistics nated him. I don’t know why he wants my obviously Team Cole, but doesn’t he have professor at Montclair State. “I was walking job so badly, he has a great position here at like a job to do? I don’t know. I’m going to to the cafe by the library to get lunch, and he Director of the School of Communication Montclair State. I honestly don’t have time go Team Cole all the way!” just sat next to me and started talking to me and Media Keith Strudler has announced to participate in this challenge because, Since last year’s loss, Strudler decided about a poetry slam battle he’s in against the that he will once again challenge current you know, I’m running a university here, to up his game by rallying faculty and stu- president, and then asked me to be ‘Team Montclair State University President Susan but if I have to dominate him again, I will.” dents to support him during this year’s Strudler.’ I only said yes so he would leave A. Cole for the position of president. After After hearing the news, many Montclair battle. He can be seen, Dunkin Donuts’ me alone.” losing last year’s rap battle against Cole, State students and faculty started prepar- coffee in hand, talking to faculty members Along with T-shirts, other merchandise, Strudler vows that he will not stop until he ing for the event. They also had their own outside of the communication department such as bracelets and baseball caps with the becomes president of the school. opinions on the announcement. and giving tours of the school to try to phrases “Team Cole” and “Team Strudler,” “It’s going to happen,” Strudler said. “I’m are being sold for two dollars as a fundrais- becoming president, I don’t care what any- er for the school. Communication faculty body says.” are also using this event, like last year, as This year, Strudler is challenging Cole to an assignment for their students. Some are a poetry slam contest. The contest will be “It’s going to happen. I’m even canceling their original idea for a final judged by none other than the students of and using this event as their new final. Montclair State. becoming president, I don’t care “I think this is a great way to get students “I wanted to do a poetry slam because I to experience what it’s like to broadcast feel like the only reason I lost the rap bat- what anybody says.” something,” said communication professor tle last year was because it was too fast, Thomas Franklin. “It’s great practice, and you know?” Strudler said. “That was her it’s going to be a lot of fun, too.” strength. If we could slow it down, I think Tickets for this event go on sale April 5 I could win.” at 12 p.m. for $5. The event will take place Strudler announced the news on the - Keith Strudler, Director of the School of in Memorial Auditorium on April 17 at 5:30 Montclair State Twitter and Instagram ac- p.m. Make sure you get your tickets. The counts at 4 p.m. on April 2. Cole respond- Comunication and Media fate of Montclair State’s presidency is in ed with a lot of confidence in winning this your hands. year’s battle. PAGE 10 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion Classifieds themontclarion.org Help Wanted Help Wanted Help Wanted Help Wanted/Other
JOBS AND CLASSIFIEDS Female sitter for one girl (age 7) start date EDUCATION, PSYCH, & SOC. $200-$350 weekly / DOG WALKER Do You Want a Car? flexible, $15/hr. in Upper Montclair MAJORS / SUMMER CAMP JOBS / NEEDED / MONTCLAIR, GLEN 2001 Hyundai Accent For Sale “AS IS” for Flexible schedule, 1-2 days a week after BERGEN COUNTY, NJ RIDGE, BLOOMFIELD AREA $900 United States Dollars; currently, mile- school (pickup at school at 2:30), end time Ramapo Country Day Camp is looking Local dog-walking/pet care business age is around 120000. Please don’t delay, flexible / can vary by week. (I can work for college counselors to make a differ- EXPLODING, with new business!! you are welcome to call 862-576-2882 be- with your schedule). Responsibilities ence with elementary campers. Camp Seeking to place 2-3 dog-loving people tween 5:00 PM and 8:00 PM in April, 2019, include picking up at school, transport- Dates: July 1 to August 23. M-F 9-4. in steady, responsible positions, im- May, 2019 and/or June, 2019. ing to and from after school activities The working environment is enjoyable, mediately. in Montclair, helping with homework, creative, positive, and perfect for the Responsibilities include a neighbor- LEARN TO DRIVE! preparing dinner & bath. More hours summer. A huge resume booster for hood walk, for 20-30 minutes, possible Corso Driving School offers hourly lessons, available if desired on an as needed basis. teachers. You’ll gain valuable “class- feeding, securing property and com- package lessons, road test service and writ- Ideally someone who can do an occasional room” experience with a specific age munication with pet owners. ten test service. College student discount morning as well (6:30am-8:15am) and / group. We are looking for people who Regular hours are approximately 11am available. www.corsodrivingschool.com. or someone who would be interested in see camp as something they “get to to 4pm, Monday through Friday. More Please call Angela 973-521-7070. an occasional overnight (private bedroom do”, not “have to do”. Email: brian@ hours available, on weekends and on & bathroom on 3rd floor). Also ideal if ramapocamp Call: 201-444-7144 See a an as-needed basis, as well as pet-sit- Before/After School Sitter Needed for two someone is looking to pick up additional video of us in ting opportunities. Montclair Preschoolers hours over the summer (avg 20-30 hours action at: Prior experience with pet care, a plus. Our much loved, long-time sitter is gradu- a week). Could also discuss providing www.ramapocamp.com Honest, reliable individual, a must. Use ating and we’re looking for a responsible, housing over the summer if you are look- of own reliable vehicle is required. creative, energetic go-getter to help care for ing to stay in town for reduced fees. Prior $50 / Need help moving boxes, Mont- If interested, please email Liz, at: our almost 3 and almost 5 year old son and experience with children, strong references clair - Edison [email protected] or daughter in Montclair. Approximately 30 and own reliable vehicle are required. CPR I moved to Montclair several months call: 973-819-9893 hour/week: Monday – Thurs. 7-9:30 a.m. certified preferred. Must be comfortable ago with a POD. It is in storage in and 3:30 – 8:00 p.m. Perfect for a college with a cat and in a pool. If interested, Edison and I need help moving some Looking for Mary Poppins student as we have some flexibility with please email: things around so I can get the things I Current elementary education student the hours and opportunity for occasional [email protected] need. There is no heavy lifting just slid- or recent graduate, or retired elemen- date night/weekend hours, but applicants ing some boxes and furniture so I have tary school teacher, would be ideal! must have early morning and early evening $25/ Childcare, UPPER MONTCLAIR access to them. I’ll pay someone $50 for Needed to drive boys age 4 & 7 to availability. Responsibilities will include: Seeking childcare for two teens (girl, 14, the job. It should not take long. I would school and back, help with homework, school drop off and pickup, transportation/ & boy, 16). Responsibilities include some think travel time to Edison and back is prepare evening meals and stay until supervision for after school activities, light shuttling to & from after-school activi- about an hour. parents return home from work 5 days meal prep for breakfast and dinner, packing ties (our car or yours), dog walking, light If interested please email me at a week. Will consider live in or out. lunches, getting kids ready for bed, kids shopping; & dinner preparation. Children [email protected] Email: laundry, etc. We are a casual, fun-loving are easy-going & independent (eg, will [email protected] family and are looking for someone who is help with dinner prep, clean-up, & their $20-$25 per hour / Homework Helper / imaginative, caring and truly loves young own chores, including pet care). Hours are Livingston OTHER children. Must have clean driving record, Thursdays, 5-10 pm, with some variabil- Looking for an after school homework ARE YOU IN CRISIS OR STRUG- at least two references and prior experience ity. Prior experience preferred, references helper. Interested in either current GLING? HEALING, HOPE AND with toddlers and elementary schoolers please. If interested, please email: student, graduate or teacher to ideally HELP CAN HAPPEN! (preferably in a nursery school, camp or [email protected]. come to our home Mon-Thurs for 1 Please CALL the National Suicide other academic environment). Please con- 1/2- 2 hours (flexible in days/hours). Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 tact Devin at [email protected] Ideal candidate would be someone (TALK) at any time to speak to a with education experience or experi- counselor and get support. You can ence working on study skills/executive also connect to the Crisis Text Line by functioning at the high school level. texting “Hello” to 741-741 to be con- Looking for someone organized and nected to a counselor. All services are who has patience! Payment flexible free, confidential and available 24/ 7 depending on workload/experience. If for anyone in crisis. interested, please text or call Marcy at 973-699-0645 or email: [email protected]. themontclarion.org The Montclarion • April 4, 2019 • PAGE 11 The Montclarion Crossword Puzzle and More! April Fool’s Day Edition Current Slang Words/Phrases Crossword
Across Down 3. You’re ____ when you’re really surprised at something 1. You have ____ when your friends hang out without you 6. It’s ____ 2. Stay ____, fam 7. Netflix and ____ 3. You’re ____ when you’re bitter about something 8. Let’s get this ____ 4. You’re ____ when you’re excessively dramatic about something 5. Throwing ____
Slang Words/Phrases Word Search Really Hard and Impossible Sudoku
FOMO shook shade lit dead YOLO Get this bread extra finesse fam stay woke salty stan goals IDK queen yasss *For answers to the puzzles, please check The Montclarion Facebook page every Thursday.* PAGE 12 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion themontclarion.org
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL.
Sarcasm is spelled out in Scrabble letters. Photo courtesy of maxpixel.net Montclair State’s New Sarcasm Minor is Totally Idiot Proof
tarting in the fall their feet and take in every- you automatically get expelled sion of Shakespearean English simply painted black. S thing being dished out. from the university because and believe that no matter of 2019, Montclair State Uni- Students would criticize versity will offer a new mi- Conversation topics can that’s just mean. Students who who uses it, sarcasm makes the fact that they could have nor in sarcasm as part of the include how millennials are make it past the interview them sound smarter and more done a better job with the ar- English department. With the so privileged to be receiving receive a certificate of accep- qualified than they really are. tistic skills of a second grader widespread use of sarcasm by a higher education regard- tance and bragging rights be- It is the perfect opportunity and then try to submit an many college students and less of the price, how anyone cause that’s just how life is. for students to learn a vari- identical one. After they are even some faculty members, can be a politician these days Other members of the Mont- ety of important verbal skills rejected, their assignment is to the university thought it was with no experience and how clair State community believe from professional wise guys go on a five-hour Twitter rant about time to get on board millennials will be the reason the new sarcasm minor is the who have smooth-talked their demanding to know why the and start accepting this part robots take over the world in worst thing to happen to the way up the career ladder, even one on display is superior. The of the modern English lan- 2045. university since the Life Hall though anyone can guess that more retweets, the better their guage. Many students agree Many students believe the sewage leak. There has been they weren’t really qualified grade will be. that the addition of the minor interview process is a breeze lots of criticism and some peo- for their jobs nor did they de- With all of these new, un- is a great idea and can’t pos- since Walter has the brain of ple think that just like the sew- serve them in the first place. necessary and expensive op- sibly backfire. an 85-year-old man that can- age leak, the sarcasm program No one should care because portunities to come, the Mont- To be accepted into the sar- not keep up with the use of will end in a giant pile of feces, they are learning the proper clair State English department casm program at Montclair meme references, text abbre- cost the university thousands ways to makeshift anything promises that declaring this State, students must make it viations and emojis. Students of dollars and make both stu- without people noticing, or at new sarcasm minor is not a through a complicated inter- also found their best defense dents and faculty run away least that is the main goal of stupid decision that students view with Jeff Dunham’s ven- strategy is to keep referring with fear and disgust. declaring the minor. will immediately regret. It is triloquist dummy Walter, the to him as the neighbor who Advocates for the program There are also many exciting guaranteed to get them a job grumpy old man. Students chases young children off his think that people in opposition trips where students can uti- the day after graduation. will converse with Walter in lawn with his moped and a are just jealous and wish they lize their new skills in a public an hour-long conversation can of Lysol. had these special skills. They setting like staring at a mas- and must be able to think on If you make the puppet cry, say sarcasm is the modern ver- terpiece in the MOMA that is
Campus Voices:
What are your “Where can I sign up? I “What’s the deal with sar- “You know sarcastic comments “I don’t understand why ev- mean, could I ‘be’ anymore casm? You think that just be- are like cats, they’ll make you eryone thinks I’m always be- thoughts on sarcastic?.” cause you say something is laugh, but they can also make ing sarcastic. I am being com- Montclair State’s great in a weird way that it you cry. Sarcasm doesn’t make pletely honest when I said that makes it sarcastic. Heck, just you sneeze though, so maybe my grandmother sings better new sarcasm call it ‘lying for people who I should stop hanging around than you.” minor? think they’re wise guys.’” cats and just stick to cat videos. Don’t even get me started on sarcastic cat videos, that’s just too much for me to handle. ”
Photos courtesy of Wikimedia Commons - Chandler Bing - Jerry Seinfeld - Ellen Degeneres - Simon Cowell Marketing Undeclared Acting Musical Education Freshman Senior Sophomore Junior themontclarion.org The Montclarion • April 4, 2019 • PAGE 13 DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. Let Me Study in a Ball Pit, You Cowards Popular opinion: Students want to finish their degrees wherever they please!
Rebecca Serviss | The Montclarion L ast week, Mont- its Funyun to true onion ring level, the trinity of American culture. There’s no olfactory way of learning you just can’t clair State Univer- program has to offer more interesting better place to broaden your horizons get from sterile classrooms. Sewers are sity announced institutions for students. Lively college and your waistband. what frazzled homeschooling moms plans for a new campuses with a bustling student body This specific casa of cheese would wish they were: Subtly charming be- study abroad pro- and nearly innumerable opportunities be ideal, but any ball pit with sufficient neath all the poop. gram that doesn’t for growth and development? Yawn. ball capacity will do. Slide on into a re- Montclair State can’t accurately say actually take you Let’s go somewhere fresh. Some- laxing ball pit and feel the germs, snot that “It’s All Here” or even “It’s Not All KRISTEN MILBURN abroad. The nam- where fun. Let’s go to Chuck E. Cheese. and knowledge wash over you. Drink Here, but at Least You’re Just Paying STAFF WRITER ing, then, is almost Nothing says innovation quite like from the cup of knowledge – Nope, In-State Tuition” if we don’t offer the as interesting as a business that thrives, despite the fact that’s a cup of pee, careful there – and opportunity for students to study in its premise. Students can study at a that its mascot looks like it has definite- reflect on the inimitable learning op- sewers and ball pits. number of other institutions within the ly murdered at least four, probably five, portunity of the pit. I’d like to see Montclair State get with United States so they can experience people. I don’t want to tell the Mont- You’ll have to be quick, though. Billy the times and send us below street level more of the country and try something clair State administration what to do, Prescott has a birthday party at 4 p.m., so we can rise above all of the challeng- new, no passport required. but if I were to suggest a new site just and his paranoid parents don’t want a es that will face us in the real world. I’d Call me the Study Abroad Grinch. off the top of my head, without think- 20-year-old stranger in the ball pit for also like to see Montclair State lower No, really, please do, because that ing much about it at all, I would prob- whatever reason. the cost of attendance and provide suf- sounds way cooler than Kristen, but I ably suggest the ball pit in the Chuck I’m not sure why it wouldn’t be, but ficient parking for all students, but who don’t love this new abroad-but-not-re- E. Cheese at 3108 Alpine Ave. Walker, if studying in a ball pit isn’t your thing, are we kidding? ally-abroad program as much as every- Michigan, postal code 49544, which is Montclair State should offer the option one else. It’s a good idea, in theory, like open from 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. to study in a sewer. The kids in that Ste- Funyuns, but all it does is leave every- This home of Chuck is nestled be- phen King thing certainly learned a lot one disappointed and slightly greasy. tween a Buffalo Wild Wings and an in their sewer. Kristen Milburn, an English major, is in her first If the program wants to ascend from Olive Garden, forming a veritable holy The sewer would provide a more year as a staff writer for The Montclarion.
The Montclarion staff cel- The Montclarion love Thumbs ebrates the wedding of An- Thumbs polygon scandal thony Gabbianelli, Thomas between Athony Up Neira and Ben Caplan Down Gabbianelli, Thomas Neira, Ben Caplan and Montclair State Univer- Robert O’Connor sity finally soundproofs their residence halls People who use FaceTime in crowded The Montclarion receives elevators new office computers af- ter the old ones were ‘ac- The Montclarion edito- cidently’ thrown out the rial board is accused of window and caught on property damage and fire arson PAGE 14 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion themontclarion.org DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. The Basement Copywriter The first ‘letter’ of ‘sentences’ from The Montclarion’s secret copy member
Rebecca Serviss | The Montclarion H ello loyal how am I able to get all of this work ery sentence correct. Each injury feels living condition. Arthritis does not Montclarion read- done, fear not, for I work hard 19- worth it when I hear about the joy it even bother me anymore, for I have ers, this week you hour days, with biweekly meal brings the readers. had it so much I am now immune. shall meet the breaks, so that each issue is out on Lights are not necessary for hu- Sometimes, I still mess up the first staff member that time. man life, as it turns out. Only light is letter of every sentence. Every week, CHRISTOPHER no one ever men- People may think I am mistreat- what I need above the paper so that I they find something that I messed GIACOMINI tions. Everyone ed here, but the staff is very kind can write. Crazy thing is, I still mess up. My mistakes are pretty few and CONTRIBUTING on the staff knows to me. Lights are sometimes left up the first word of every sentence far between when you consider how WRITER who I am, but I on accidentally when they come sometimes. Kidnapping is a very se- much work I really have to do. Ei- fear the readers down to scold me for making sim- rious crime that I would never accuse ther way, the articles still come out do not. Let me fill you in: my job is to ple spelling mistakes. Errors seem anyone of. Especially not this won- on time, even when I mess up the copy every single issue by hand. Pen- to be nearly unavoidable in this derful writing staff that we have here first letter of every sentence. Now, manship is a talent of mine, so I was job. Arthritis begins to kick in after at The Montclarion. Delight was all enough about me. Thank you for gifted this unpaid position to live in the first 50 issues, and my muscles mine to take this position. reading, and please enjoy this issue. the basement and make all of the cop- begin to weaken as the carpal tun- In fact, I don’t think I would be ies to ensure the papers are ready by nel takes hold of my limp fingers. happier anywhere else. Not even on Thursday for you, the reader. Sometimes, the hardest part of a farm somewhere with fresh air and Christopher Giacomini, a communication and My job may be laborious, but I copying all of the articles is mak- sunlight. media arts major, is in his first year as a contrib- do it with pride every week. Exactly ing sure I get the first letter of ev- Basically, this is the ideal human uting writer for The Montclarion. Hey America, Be Nice to Mice! L ast week, and not given the respect they de- perspective is painstakingly repetitive, animal asks for a cookie. The boy gives Congress failed serve. includes the lyrics “They all ran after the mouse a cookie. The mouse then to pass a bill that On Nov. 18, 1928, the world thought the farmer’s wife, who cut off their tails asks for a glass of milk and gets it. He would protect it was given a look into mouse cul- with a carving knife.” then asks for a straw and gets it. By the mice against lethal, ture through “Steamboat Willie,” a We have been taught that being a end of the book, the mouse is given a cheese-oriented cartoon that featured the beloved mouse means driving a boat while full makeover and a comfortable place mouse traps. Once character, Mickey Mouse, behind the whistling to ragtime music, while, in to take a nap. BRIAN ROONEY again, politicians wheel of an ocean liner. frightening reality, it is a nightmare This book perpetuates the biggest COMEDY WRITER continue to be made Since then, Mickey Mouse has be- filled with ax-wielding, unstable and problem facing the average mouse in puppets by greedy come the most iconic cartoon charac- rural housewives. today’s society: Straight white mouse corporate lobbyists, in particular, the ter in American society and helped I thought this sort of ignorance was privilege. Not only is the mouse in this lobbyists of lethal, cheese-oriented propel a company to generate hun- no longer present in our enlightened story handed everything he asks for, mouse traps. dreds of billions of dollars, but is society, then I remembered how this but he is also wearing what seems to be The bill has been pushed by left Mickey Mouse really reflective of misrepresentation is taught to us from very cozy overalls in the process. He is wing politicians for months, including what it is like to be a mouse in Amer- childhood. like the Jeff Bezos of rodents. former vice president and suspicious- ica? One of my favorite books through- This bill that Congress failed to put ly touchy presidential candidate, Joe Mice have been disenfranchised out my toddling years was “If You Give themselves on the right side of history Biden, and spunky first-term represen- for centuries. The nursery rhyme a Mouse a Cookie,” by Laura Numer- and would not have meant an end to tative and his personal Viagra, Alexan- “Three Blind Mice” dates all the way off. the lack of respect mice have had to en- dria Ocasio-Cortez. back to the year 1609. The nursery The book told the tale of a young boy dure, but it certainly would have start- Liberal politicians claim the mouse rhyme, which from a songwriting who befriends a field mouse after the ed a new chapter in American society. trap falls under entrapment and is a Apparently, Bernie is the only one who violation of Amendment VIII, which understands. outlaws cruel and usual punishment. Of course, the mice in “If You Give Senator of Vermont and presidential a Mouse a Cookie” and “Steamboat candidate who needs a comb, Bernie Willy” did not have to scurry, but you Sanders, responded to the vote, say- know who did? The mice having their ing, “MICE HAVE TO GO THROUGH tails sliced off. ENOUGH AS IT IS. MICE HAVE TO SCURRY! SHOW ME ANOTHER SPE- CIES THAT HAS TO SCURRY!” Give mice the benefit of the doubt. Play devil’s advocate with them. Mice Brian Rooney, a communication and media arts have not had an easy go of it. Their cul- major, is in his first year as a comedy writer for ture has been misunderstood, exploited Rebecca Serviss | The Montclarion The Montclarion. themontclarion.org The Montclarion • April 4, 2019 • PAGE 15
COME SIP THE TEA WITH THE MONTCLARION!
BECOME A CONTRIBUTOR! PAGE 16 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion themontclarion.org
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. Student Artist Profile: Tommy Wiseau Tommy Wiseau is a film director best known for Q: Do you have any ideas for student films directing, writing, producing and starring in the you’re looking forward to working on as a hit 2003 cult classic, “The Room.” For whatever Montclair State student? reason, he has just enrolled as a student in the film program here at Montclair State University. En- A: Yes, very big plan. [He remained silent, tertainment Editor Thomas Neira and contrib- listing to no ideas whatsoever.] uting writer Brian Hernandez somehow got him to sit down long enough to do an interview. Q: What’s the next step in your career?
Q: What sparked your interest in a career in A: Make second big movie with new and pro- film? fessional actor. I will make them shine like Lisa did, but they will not break my heart. A: I like to watch cool detective movie and ro- mantic movie. Very nice. Very very smart and Q: That’s an interesting accent you got charming people, but I am not in them. I make there… Where are you from? a movie on my own instead, yes? A: I come from New Orleans! Accent is from Q: What was it like working on “The Room”? being down south all my life. Living simple life, you know? Cajun cooking is very good, A: Very fun, and very beautiful experience. too. Very tasty. Actors are top-notch, exactly what I was look- ing for. Classic Hollywood movie. There will Q: What’s your morning routine like? never be other movie like it. Photo courtesy of Neilson Barnard via Getty Images A: Get up, smell fresh air, hear bird singing, Tommy Wiseau is a self-proclaimed award-winning director Q: How did you react to the film’s unexpected brush my teeth, do my hair, get ready for who everyone loves. success? interview. I have interview every other day — crazy. I am popular so long after I finish my A: No surprise. I knew my movie would make movie. big screen in seconds, because again, classic Hollywood movie. Watch again. Beautiful Q: I heard you’ve become a party animal ever story, and cute doggie in film somewhere. Go since your big break. Who are some of your find it. favorite celebrities to party with?
Q: What have you done after the release of A: The beautiful Brad Pitt, and the very, very “The Room”? funny Amy Schumer. If he show up, then I party with Sean Bean, but sometimes he do not A: I plan to make movie like ‘Fight Club.’ Very show up. Maybe he died. intense movie with many beautiful men and even more beautiful friendship. Maybe I add Q: Do you have any advice for aspiring film- song, too. Beautiful men sing words like angel. makers? Mmm... A: If no one like your idea, do it anyway. Q: What brought you to Montclair State Uni- Making movies is for the art and the beautiful versity? emotion. Those are what make classic movie. Very important you do not stop working for A: Well, my friend, many superstar do the col- your dream to come true. It is only as hard as lege to make classic Hollywood movie. I want you make. Good luck to dreaming movie mak- to see how they do it, so I can make second er, but I will always be challenge. Beat me and blockbuster! Then I will go back to Hollywood you will be champion. and get to work. Very hard work in store for Photo courtesy of Chloe Productions Wiseau released his film “The Room” in 2003 to me. Q: How would you like people to remember critical acclaim and box office success. you fifty years from now? Q: What do you hope to learn during your time here? A: I am legend [Not the movie]. I want people to build giant statue of me in California, or put A: The beautiful art of the acting, and maybe my name on the Walk of Fame. I want people even songs because I am great singer and beat to be inspired to make movie like “The Room” all the students. Singing is no easy job, though. and make beautiful and dramatic story come To sing you need to learn to be brave in front to life. So beautiful. of any people.
Photo courtesy of the Best Friends Association Photo courtesy of Chloe Productions Wiseau at the Golden Globes with his best Photo courtesy of Tommy Wiseau Wiseau with his “The Room” co-star and friend in the whole wide world, James We asked Tommy for several pictures of him before he other best friend Greg Sestero. Franco. made “The Room.” This is the only one he would give us. themontclarion.org The Montclarion • April 4, 2019 • PAGE 17
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. Sharif Hasan Overthrows Thomas Neira as Entertainment Editor
Hasan was merciless in his triumphant victory over the helpless Thomas Neira. Neira has not been seen since. Sharif Hasan | The Montclarion
Javier Reyes tus to man the helm. My last and only wish is that these words Assistant Entertainment Editor “Thomas is, like, clueless,” said one anony- be seen by as large an audience as possible. mous source, “I know Sharif’s attitude about Only then, perhaps, may Hasan’s dark reign be it might be extreme, but I can not say I feel thwarted. Farewell, my dear readers. It has been sorry for Thomas.” The person also said they an honor. Following his triumphant first-place victory had information regarding Neira’s current for Arts and Entertainment/Critical Writing whereabouts, but they have mysteriously been in the New Jersey Press Foundation College unresponsive through all forms of contact since Newspaper Contest, Sharif Hasan kickstarted first being interviewed. a campaign to overthrow Thomas Neira for the Tensions at The Montclarion are at an all- position of entertainment editor at The Mont- time high, and Hasan’s insatiable lust for power clarion. After an investigation was conducted has instilled fear within the hearts of students by all of the best people with all of the best everywhere. Seemingly whoever reaches out to qualifications, Hasan’s plans to stage a coup provide information — even anonymously — d’etat were confirmed and is even believed to has disappeared shortly after. As a result, none be just the first step of an initiative to take over have dared to oppose him. The Montclarion as a whole. The halls of the School of Communication In response to these reports, Hasan stated and Media building are as quiet as ever, an omi- that he wishes to “see an empire fall.” nous scent of imbalance and dread felt through- “An empire toppled by its enemies can rise out. Students can occasionally be found hiding again,” Hasan said. “But one that crumbles underneath various tables and chairs scattered from within, that’s dead. Forever.” across the building, shivering at even the slight- Neira, who is believed to be a close friend of est possibility Hasan may be watching them. Hasan’s, has not been seen in nearly three days. Only the faint sounds of screams can be After authorities searched Neira’s office desk, heard every so often, and each time Hasan is the only item found was a copy of J.D. Salin- spotted in the area from which it came. ger’s classic novel, “The Catcher in the Rye.” “I can not say I am surprised,” said former This detail confounds many, considering Neira Entertainment Editor Robert O’Connor. “As never actually read anything in his life. soon as I met Sharif, he was giving me ‘Cersei Neira was recently married to Sports Editor coming for the Iron Throne’ vibes. If I could Anthony Gabbianelli and Photography Editor give Thomas, or whoever is still left, any advice, Ben Caplan earlier this week. Hasan cites this I would watch your back and hire The Moun- as one of the main reasons for him ultimately tain for protection.” deciding to commit the takeover of the enter- O’Connor’s advice yields true, but perhaps tainment section. He further goes on to state it may be too late. While writing this report, I Photo courtesy of Thomas Neira that Neira has been having a “little too much believe that Hasan has finally discovered where Sharif Hasan (left) placed this cryptic photograph fun” in his position and that the quality of the I am hiding. They say the night is darkest just on the entertainment editor desk, which used to section each week has suffered as a result of before the dawn, but this time I fear the dawn be occupied by Thomas Neira (center). this, claiming himself to be far superior in sta- may never arrive. PAGE 18 • April 4, 2019 • The Montclarion themontclarion.org DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE OR EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. Top Picks Sign Me Up for ‘Signing to Stream Best. Movies. Ever. Off: The Holiday Album’ Kristen Milburn ‘The Cat in the Hat’ Staff Writer on HBO Go Not to brag, but I have ears. And my ears recently listened to “Signing Off: The Holiday Album.” The rest of me listened to it, too, but my ears enjoyed the album most of all. It’s just the al- bum your nonexistent collection of amateur-pro- duced holiday covers is missing. Let’s start with what you’re all most interested in learning about this collection of songs: How Photo courtesy of Universal Pictures the album feels in your hands. It has some heft to it. It weighs about as much as half a loaf of stale “The Cat in the Hat,” inspired by the Panera bread. You know, like when you go on a Dr. Seuss classic of the same name, follows Tuesday, and they haven’t gotten a new shipment the mishaps and misadventures of two of bread in a few days, and they give you a chewy children when the Cat, played by Mike bit that isn’t quite fresh but it isn’t quite not fresh Myers, arrives at their house on one bor- either? It feels like that. ing day while their mother is out. The Cat The album itself is housed in a square case shows Sally and Conrad that life’s what just like all of the other albums you own. Why you make it, so you may as well have reinvent the wheel, or the album cover, I say. “fun, fun, fun.” Each CD is hand decorated with a one-of-a-kind This film is not only a fun watch, drawing in Sharpie. It’s unique, fresh and evident but also a triumph of cinema. Bo Welch that the album creators had no budget when they Photo courtesy of Charlee Reiff achieves near perfection with his directo- started their creation. “Signing Off: The Holiday Album” is the perfect thing to hold up in rial debut, something few filmmakers are The album, created by the cast, writers and front of a fire. You can also listen to it, too. able to accomplish. Myers delivers a show- producers of “Signing Off,” the Video Production stopping performance as The Cat, making Club’s late-night comedy show, thrives in not specific holiday, the album is sure to be a hit all it quite possibly his standout role. The film knowing what it is. This new release came out year round, no matter where or when you listen is chock-full of witty one liners and smart in December and is called a Holiday Album, yet to it. Play it on the beach for the Fourth of July, comedy. Upon watching, one can expect fails to mention which holiday. the silent section of the library, a port-a-potty at to experience a rollercoaster of emotions, The bona fide hit of the album is the sensual Coachella or a sensible funeral to get the party never being able to tell if they are crying rendition of “Monster Mash,” followed close- started. tears of laughter, fear or sadness. It is for ly by “Christmas in Hollis.” By not naming a Not only does the album feature a broad range these reasons, and many more, that “The of songs to satisfy every mood, but the fluctuation Cat in the Hat” is arguably the greatest in quality among the songs makes this album an film ever made. instant classic that will surely withstand the test of time. “Cool Yule” is sung by someone actual- - Dillon Hoffman ly, uh, good, but other songs like “All I want for Contributing Writer Christmas is Views” are sung by people who are, uh, not as good. The album even features a spoken word com- ‘G-Force’ ponent in the form of “Stupid Cupid,” in which on Netflix an omnipotent voice muses, “So, yeah. I’m not going to be singing this song. But I’d like to take this opportunity to raise awareness for holidays that are often overlooked. I’m not going to name any of them, but you can probably figure out which ones I’m referring to.” It’s the voice of God, or Josh Groban, or possi- bly even the ghost of Steve Irwin. Regardless, it represents how the album strives to open a larger cultural dialogue about inequality and oppres- sion — by not actually doing that at all. I believe that “Signing Off: The Holiday Al- Photo courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures bum” is the greatest addition to the music indus- What happens when you bring together Photo courtesy of Dillon Hoffman try since Shania Twain’s “The Woman in Me” guinea pigs, high tech gadgets and Acade- changed the world in 1995. I wouldn’t go as far my Award-nominated actor Nicolas Cage? “Signing Off: The Holiday Album” features hits like “Baby It’s as to say it’s better than Queen Shania’s “Come That’s right, “G-Force.” This remarkable (Consensually) Cold Outside” and “All I Want for Christmas is on Over” album, though. I’m bold, but I’m not an piece of cinema revolves around a special- my One Front Tooth.” idiot. ly trained squadron of rodents chosen to stop an evil billionaire from taking over the world. Written by Cormac and Mar- ianne Wibberley, the husband and wife screenwriting duo behind “Charlie’s An- gels: Full Throttle” and “National Treasure: Book of Secrets,” “G-Force” is a wonderful movie filled with action and heart. This film is, without a doubt, the most beautiful work of art I have ever wit- nessed. Not only did I weep tears of joy during my first screening, but tears of sad- ness during the 974 viewings after. Why tears of sadness? Because I knew I’d never experience the same euphoria that I did on that magical day in 2009.
- Sharif Hasan Kristen Milburn | The Montclarion Assistant Entertainment Editor Sharif Hasan points to the sky (maybe there was a bird?) while recording “Sharif Navidad” for “Signing Off: The Holiday Album.” Writers Dillon Hoffman and Christopher Giacomini provide emotional support. themontclarion.org The Montclarion •April 4, 2019 • PAGE 19 This Week In Sports DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE Red Hawk MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL Sports PEOPLE AND EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. THU 4/4 No Games Amateur Athlete Profile: FRI 4/5 Steve vs. Arnold Anthony Gabbianelli 1:21 p.m. Photo Essay by Ben Caplan Women’s Sky Diving at Sky Zone 3:20 p.m. SAT 4/6 My Crippling Depression vs. My Therapist 11:30 a.m.
Gil Faizon vs. George St. Geegland 2 p.m.
A Family Picnic vs. A Swarm of Bees 2:30 p.m.
A D&D Campaign at Someone’s Parent’s Basement 3:30 p.m.
WMSC vs. Video Production Club Anthony Gabbianelli shows off his sick b-ball skills. Amateur athlete Anthony Gabbianelli The Student Recreation Center doesn’t al- 7 p.m. works on his shooting form in the Student low dunking, so Anthony Gabbianelli has to Recreation Center, now without a sweater. settle for layups. SUN 4/7 Senior journalism major Anthony Gabbianelli might be one of the most underrated and Women’s Jousting vs. underappreciated athletes enrolled at Montclair State University. He has ice flowing Riverdale High through his veins and more importantly, is a very tall human being. Standing at 6 feet 12 p.m. 7 inches, the size-17-shoe-wearing baller can nail any shot from any position on the MON 4/8 court. He’s got some pretty nasty handles, too. He’s projected to go first overall to the Dennis vs. New York Knicks in next year’s NBA Draft. Bigger Boot 7 p.m.
TUE 4/9 My Dad vs. Your Dad 3 p.m.
The Signal vs.The Whit 3:30 p.m.
My Actual Friends vs. The Cast of Friends 4:30 p.m.
WED 4/10 The Patriarchy vs. One Woman 3:30 p.m.
A Student Just Trying to Graduate vs. Their Adviser 4 p.m. Anthony Gabbianelli leaps off of the floor and shoots a Anthony Gabbianelli goes in for a layup while doing three-pointer from beyond the arc #StephCurry. something weird with his leg.
Red Hawks Baseball: 4 Target: 10 A Flock of Geese: 7 Red Hawk Recap My Wallet: 9 The Fab Five: 7 A Boogie wit da Hoodie: 6 A Bunch of Puppies: 5 The Montclarion Staff: 2 T-Pain: 2 A Couple of Kittens: 5
Thanos: 16 My Parents: 2 My Opinion: 10000000000 The Avengers: 8 Modern Technology: 10 Your Opinion: -51 The Montclarion •April 4, 2019 • PAGE 19 MONTCLARION SPORT THE
[email protected] Thursday, April 4, 2019 themontclarion.org DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS AN APRIL FOOL’S DAY EDITION OF THE MONTCLARION. ALL OF THE ARTICLES IN THE PAPER, THOUGH RELATING TO REAL PEOPLE AND EVENTS, ARE NOT FACTUAL. Rocky Streaks During the Baseball Game University mascot strips down and causes mass hysteria and flies away
Rocky the Red Hawk totally streaked during the baseball game last Saturday and everyone didn’t like it. Photo edited by Anthony Gabbianelli
Anthony Gabbianelli the Montclair State bullpen, flock. Students have yet to see is also a bird, showed compas- impact he’s had on Rocky. Sports Editor where the baseball team’s relief Rocky’s return to campus. sion toward what her brother “Personally, I can not take pitchers warm up, that the over Fans in attendance be- did on the baseball field that the full blame for what Rocky five-foot-tall red hawk ripped gan to leave their seats and Saturday afternoon. the Red Hawk did Saturday af- It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s his shirt off and charged onto exit the stadium during the Roxy began by squawking. ternoon,” Gritty stated. “He is a Rocky with no clothes on! the playing field. streaking. Most of the young- “My brother is a very in- great mascot and the students The Montclair State Univer- The ripped shirt caught one er fans cried as their parents telligent red hawk who knows at Montclair State really do care sity baseball team had a dou- of the relievers in the face and could only block them from exactly what he’s doing,” Roxy about him.” bleheader this weekend against blinded him. Everyone in at- the horrors taking place on said. “He did it for the ‘gram, Gritty went on to talk about Ramapo College that was rude- tendance wished they were that the field. Others were get- which is what all us mascots the fellow mascot’s prank. ly interrupted by a streaking guy. ting sick and rushed toward do for a living. We have to stay “When I met Rocky, we Rocky the Red Hawk. After jumping over the the bathrooms knowing well relevant, otherwise we get put had one of the more sophisti- Both teams watched in hor- railing and onto the outfield enough that they could not back in that huge bird cage [the cated discussions I’ve had with ror as the wild, squawking bird grass, Rocky danced around the unsee what they just saw. university] stick us in when we a mascot,” Gritty continued. “I raced around the diamond in left fielder for Montclair State “It’s not what I came here don’t perform our best.” took a look at his social media his birthday suit. Those watch- and play was stopped. Three for,” said one fan who left Roxy also talked about other accounts and what else he was ing from the stands could only guards chased after the bird as the stadium after witnessing mascot influences that could planning on doing before the look away as security tried to he bobbed and weaved around Rocky in all of his bird-glo- have impacted Rocky’s decision semester ended, and I suggest- catch the bird-brained mascot. them, leaving their ankles bro- ry. “I want my kids to come to rip his own clothes off and ed he streak on the field. I never The head of security at ken. to this free college baseball put on the display. said to actually do it.” Yogi Berra Stadium, where the Rocky made his way into game and say ‘Hi’ to their “Gritty really had an im- Gritty, prior to meeting Montclair State baseball team the infield where he began kick- Red Hawk mascot so I can pact on Rocky’s life after he was Rocky the Red Hawk, streaked plays, discussed how they usu- ing up the dirt. The third base- put it on Facebook for our introduced to the world,” Roxy during an outdoor hockey ally catch streakers. man swatted and shooed Rocky relatives to see. Now my kids said. “He wanted to be big like game at Lincoln Financial Field “We just get lucky most of away, but this only angered are scarred for life and I have him and this was what he had between the Flyers and the the time,” the head of security the mascot. Rocky pecked and to put them through some to do.” Pittsburgh Penguins. He also said. “Most of us are a little cawed at the third baseman be- kind of therapy to try and for- Gritty, the Philadelphia grappled down from the top of out of shape since no one re- fore he exited the hot corner. get that this even happened.” Flyers’ mascot, who was intro- the stadium. ally jumps over the railings to Rocky continued to parade Some close to Rocky the duced this past offseason, has strip down to their underwear around the infield and cause Red Hawk cited that these taken the internet by storm and or worse, and run around in the more havoc, all without hav- newer, up-and-coming mas- has been the center of all hockey outfield.” ing any clothes on. He would cots get a lot of social media mascot media in the past year. According to the head of eventually leave the stadium love for their antics on and off Rocky also met the orange fur- security, the university’s mas- when a flock of geese sitting in the field, which is why they ball earlier this year. cot was walking around the the opposite side of the outfield believe Rocky jumped onto The Montclarion reached stadium and waving to fans of honked and flew away. Rocky, the field and began streaking. out to Gritty via Skype and all ages. It was when he reached in his naked glory, joined their Roxy, Rocky’s sister who asked him about what kind of