Hello! Welcome to my article. My name is Doogie Horner; I used to be a mess like you until I discovered that life’s most confusing conundrums—cellular division, quantum mechanics, blue jean shopping— can be explained through infographics. (I’ve even written a book on the subject.†) In the following pages, I will demonstrate the technique— despite protests from Condé Nast lawyers that the charts could cause some readers to experience spontaneous information overload (SIO). By the time you finish examining these charts, you will (a) understand the afterlife beliefs of both agnostics and Klingons, (b) know whether you’re an evil twin, (c) possess a new appreciation for alien sex, and (d) possibly forget the name of every person you’ve ever known due to SIO. Good luck!
†That book, also titled Everything Explained Through Flowcharts, is out in October. I really hope you buy it—as does my bookie, my trophy wife, and the empty slot in my antique Pez collection that should be holding a Huckleberry Hound dispenser.
I can’t show the Klingon Congratulations! You’ve 1. Death chant logo because I might get brought dishonor not The klingon sued by the Star Trek only on yourself but your If they’re feeling lawyers. I still might get descendants6 as well. philosophical, your sued, just for mentioning it. brothers may also Afterlife recite the following after your death: The warrior race from the planet Qo’noS takes death as “Only Kronos seriously as facial hair. A guide to their beliefs. endures. In death there is victory and Boy, you’re a real honor.” embarrassment. I’m afraid to even 2. STO-VO-KOR Did you die in battle? yes START HERE ask this, but you Klingon heaven. weren’t captured in Eternal battle and battle, were you? 6. your kids feasting, presided over by the Klingon yes no Renroh messiah Kahless no until his return to no the living. G’niwht Did you at least commit You’ve still brought 3. GRE’THOR ritual suicide? dishonor onto yourself. T’nadroig Klingon hell. Eternal torture, over which Fek’lhr stands guard. yes (when they die) 4. KAHLESS Your fellow warriors will The Klingon warn the afterlife that a You could go either way. messiah. Klingon is about to arrive I guess you’ll find out! by unleashing a loud wail 5. SOME GOOD QUESTS toward the heavens.1 It looks • Track down the like this ancient Klingon artifact the Sword of ONLY KAHLESS4 KNOWS WHICH WAY YOU’LL GO. Kahless. • Fight off an entire army single- handedly. 2 Do your relatives undertake a 3 • Challenge the 5 Klingon High Council STO-VO-KOR quest to restore your honor? GRE’THOR Hell
Heaven in a trial. • Kill a Gorn with your bare hands and eat its still-beating heart. no, we yes were never 1 5 9 very close.