Healing for the Wounded Heart Devotions

100 Devotions for Survivors of Abuse © 2007, 2009, Kerry Decker. All rights reserved.

Second Edition

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. The “NIV” and “New International Version” trademarks are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by International Bible Society. Use of either trademark requires the permission of International Bible Society. Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved. Scriptures marked as “(CEV)” are taken from the Contemporary English Version Copyright © 1995 by American Bible Society. Used by permission. Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. The Living Bible. Copyright © 1987 by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Rapha House Freedom Foundation 6755 Victoria Ave. Riverside, CA 92506 Rapha is the Hebrew word for “healing.” Rapha House in Cambodia provides shelter and care for girls who have survived human trafficking and sexual exploitation. The “Healing for the Wounded Heart” resources, including these devotions, were developed to help these girls with their emotional and spiritual recovery. Many survivors of abuse may not have experienced sexual slavery, but they know what it’s like to be prisoners in dysfunctional families or relationships. And they know what it’s like to be prisoners of their own guilt and shame. All abuse wounds the heart, whether it involves a single incidence or sexual enslavement. And the road to healing and recovery covers the same territory regardless of a person’s experience. May these devotions guide and inspire you along your journey. To learn more about Rapha House, visit their websites at: www.freedomforgirls.org www.raphahouse.org One Do You Want to Get Well?

In his Gospel, John tells the story of a man who was crippled from birth. Imagine what it would be like to know that you’re different from other people and not being able to do anything about it. This man hadn’t lost hope. Every day, he would gather with others at the pool named Bethesda in hopes that he would receive a miracle. But that miracle never came. One day, Jesus passed by and asked the man if he wanted to be well. What type of question is that? “Do you want to get well?” Actually, it is a very important question. All the man’s friends were at the pool. The man knew what life was like there. Every day he would spend waiting for a miracle. And every day he would go home disappointed. People expected him to be a beggar. After all, he couldn’t work. His life wasn’t good, but it was predictable. All that would change, if he were healed. He would have to get a job and go to work. He couldn’t spend his days waiting at the pool. He wouldn’t be

5 Healing for the Wounded Heart able to spend much time with his old friends anymore. His new life would take him in a new direction. He would have to enlarge his circle of friendships. Work. Responsibility. And change. These are just some of the things that healing would mean to this man. Maybe that’s why Jesus asked him the question, “Do you want to be healed?” Sometimes things happen to us that should never have happened. And those things bring unwanted changes to our lives. Emotional healing brings other changes to life. What might some of those changes be? What might be frightening about those changes? What is exciting about those changes? What do you think you would say if you were asked, “Do you want to get well?”

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. —Psalm 56:3

Healing for the Wounded Heart 6 Two Battling Giants

Why was David successful in defeating Goliath when a whole nation of warriors failed? Was it due to his skill as a fighter? Certainly David knew how to work a sling. That was part of his argument that he offered his king to be allowed to go and face Goliath. David had fought and killed both lion and bear while tending his father’s flocks. But up to this time, he had never faced a man in battle. And war is different than shepherding. Besides, there were plenty of seasoned and skilled warriors in the camp. Yet none of them stepped up to fight Goliath. So if it wasn’t skill that set David apart what was it? When David faces the Philistine, he says, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel…” (1 Samuel 17:45). David faces Goliath with just a sling and a few stones, but his full confidence rests in God. David adds, “All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s… (1 Samuel 17:47). It’s true. The battle belongs

7 Healing for the Wounded Heart to the Lord, but the victory comes only to those who in faith step out from their hiding places and face the giant. Abuse leaves us confused, intimidated, and afraid. Like the Israelites of David’s time, we might fear taking action. But the secret to recovery and healing is remembering that the battle is the Lord’s. He will help us succeed. When we no longer choose to live in fear but step out in faith and act, we just may be surprised at how quickly and easily some of the giants who kept us frozen in our tracks will fall.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. —Isaiah 41:10

Healing for the Wounded Heart 8 Three Taming Fears About the Future

The future can be scary. No one knows what the future holds, so anxiety often creeps in and robs us of peace and joy, filling us with fear for tomorrow. But it’s possible to tame our fears of the future. One psalm of David shows how. The subtitle to Psalm 34 reveals that it was written when David was saved by pretending to be insane before the Philistine king Abimelech (also known as Achish). It helps to have some background to the story. David rose to prominence after defeating the Philistine giant from Gath named Goliath. At the time of that victory, David wasn’t the king of Israel yet. Saul was. But David’s popularity grew eventually overshadowing Saul’s. So Saul became insanely jealous to the point where he tried to kill David a number of times. David needed to hide from Saul, but no place in Israel was safe. So David decided to flee deep into the heart of enemy territory to Gath—Goliath’s hometown. Abimelech was king of Gath, and David had no idea what type of reception he might meet there. But he

9 Healing for the Wounded Heart knew for certain that he would die if he didn’t escape from Saul. So David devised a plan that might work. He would pretend to be insane and hope that people would leave him alone. It worked, but imagine how nervous David must have been the day he first set foot in Gath. His future was uncertain, but he tamed his fears. He writes: “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4). David put his future into God’s hands and knew that it would be safe there. Like David, we don’t know what the future holds; but we know who holds the future. And like David, we just can’t sit around fearing what might be. We must act and entrust our future to God’s care. David says: “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him” (Psalm 34:8). We gain confidence in God’s goodness by trusting Him with our lives. It’s the only way to tame our fears about the future.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. —Psalm 34:19

Healing for the Wounded Heart 10 Four Seeing Through Different Eyes

It’s important to learn to see what has happened to us through different eyes. That does not mean that we pretend that the bad that happened to us did not really happen or that it was not really bad. It was real, and it was wrong. It should never happen to anyone ever. What seeing through different eyes means is learning to see how God takes what others intended for evil and turns it into good. After Joseph was sold into slavery, he had no idea what would happen to him next. It was frightening. For a while, things went well for him, as good as things could be considering he had lost his freedom. Then things got really bad. His master’s wife falsely accused him of making advances towards her. As a result, Joseph ended up in jail. No matter what he did or how hard he tried, he couldn’t make things go better in his life. Sometimes we can get caught in circumstances that are bigger than our ability to make better. The best we can do is to survive. That was the case for Joseph. Eventually, things turned around for Joseph. He

11 Healing for the Wounded Heart was given his freedom and a job that helped save a lot of people’s lives, including his own brothers—the very ones who sold him into slavery! Even after Joseph and his brothers were reconciled, they suspected that he still held a grudge against them. But Joseph reassured them saying, “As far as I am concerned, God turned into good what you meant for evil. He brought me to the high position I have today so I could save the lives of many people” (Genesis 50:20). Joseph had learned to see through different eyes. Seeing through different eyes doesn’t mean that we ignore evil. We see it clearly. But seeing through different eyes means that we learn to see how God brings good from evil. No evil can defeat His good purposes for us.

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord. —Proverbs 21:30

Healing for the Wounded Heart 12 Five Good From Evil

Think about the cross. As Christians, the cross represents our greatest hope and God’s greatest triumph over sin. It was on the cross that Jesus became our substitute, so we could be saved. Jesus paid the penalty for our sins, so that we could be forgiven and accepted by God. Because of the cross, we are able to grow in our experience of the great love that God has for us. But Jesus’ first disciples didn’t initially see the cross the same way that we do. When Jesus predicted that he would be killed, the Gospel of Luke says, “The disciples did not understand any of this. Its meaning was hidden from them, and they did not know what he was talking about” (Luke 18:34). Then when Jesus was arrested, all the disciples deserted him, leaving Jesus to face the cross alone. Imagine what the cross meant to the disciples before they witnessed Christ’s resurrection. It only was about betrayal, abuse, injustice, and suffering. All their hopes for a better life died with Jesus when He died on the cross. And despite the fact that Jesus told

13 Healing for the Wounded Heart his disciples time and again that He would die like this, they did not get it until after Christ’s resurrection. It was then that the disciples began to see the amazing good that God could bring out of something as evil as the cross. Christ’s resurrection didn’t change the evil of the cross. The cross still represented betrayal, abuse, injustice, and suffering. But Christ’s resurrection showed the disciples and the rest of the world that God is able to bring the most amazing good out of the most horrible evil. The evil that we have suffered will always remain evil. But evil does not have to get the last word in our lives. The same God who brought Christ back to life wants to give us back our lives and show in us His goodness for the whole world to see.

We know that God is always at work for the good of everyone who loves him. They are the ones God has chosen for his purpose. —Romans 8:28 CEV

Healing for the Wounded Heart 14 Six Who’s to Blame?

What did I do to deserve this? That question may play over and over in your head. But the answer to that question is “nothing.” You did nothing to deserve what happened to you. Nothing was wrong with you. You weren’t being punished for something bad that you had done. But still you wonder. The disciples wondered the same thing one day when they saw a man who was born blind. They asked Jesus who was to blame for the man’s misfortune—the man or his parents. They wondered whose sin was responsible. Jesus said that it was not the man’s fault or his parents’ that this man was born blind. Jesus said, “He was born blind so the power of God could be seen in him” (John 9:3 NLT). It may not seem fair that the best we can hope for is to experience God’s power in our lives after bad things happen to us. We would rather live in a world where no bad things ever happen to anyone. But that’s heaven. And we’re not there yet. In the meantime, we live in a place where bad things happen, and bad people do bad things to

15 Healing for the Wounded Heart others. But God is ready and willing to show us that whatever bad may happen to us is not the most powerful thing in life. He can heal us with His power. That’s what happened to the blind man that day. Watch out! It’s tempting to demand that God heal us on our terms. We want God to take away all the effects of what happened to us. And sometimes He does. But usually He chooses to leave some of those effects while showing us the way to real inner peace instead. Still that’s a healing worth having—maybe not the healing we want but a healing worth having. However God chooses to work in your life, He only does so when you let Him. And whatever healing He brings is not worth missing out on. But as long as you’re preoccupied with blame, you’re distracted from the only thing that’s worth pursuing—your recovery. Don’t miss out on that.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. —Psalm 147:3

Healing for the Wounded Heart 16 Seven Slow Victories Are Still Victories

Not all victories come quickly or easily. But slow victories are still victories. After Israel spent forty years in the wilderness, they entered the Promised Land. Upon entering the Promised Land, they found that the people who were already living there were not eager to turn over their cities, homes, and farms to the Jews, despite God saying that this place would be His people’s homeland. So Joshua and the Israelites had to fight for what God wanted to give them. Not every victory Joshua fought was won as easily as the battle of Jericho where God made the walls of the city collapse so the Jews could gain entry. Sometimes there were setbacks when the people were disobedient to God. But they kept moving forward. Eventually the territory was completely conquered one battle at a time. The land was theirs. The Bible says: “So the Lord gave Israel all the land he had sworn to give their forefathers, and they took possession of it and settled there. The Lord gave them rest on every side, just as he had sworn to their forefathers. Not one

17 Healing for the Wounded Heart of their enemies withstood them; the Lord handed all their enemies over to them. Not one of all the Lord’s good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled (Joshua 21:43-45). God has made many good promises to you, too. Not one of them will fail. Every one will be fulfilled. But that does not mean all you have to do is sit back and wait. You have to do your part. You must trust and obey, just as Joshua did at Jericho. You must resist temptation and sin and make the necessary corrections when you take the wrong paths. And you must fight each battle one at a time in order to experience healing and recovery. Not all victories come quickly or easily. But even slow victories are victories. So keep on fighting.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” —Joshua 1:9

Healing for the Wounded Heart 18 Eight Okay With Imperfection

It’s okay to be imperfect. Everybody knows that. After all, we’re only human. But knowing that it’s okay to be imperfect doesn’t mean that we always deal well with our imperfections. We don’t have too much trouble dealing with our imperfections when things are going right. When we treat others right, when we’re doing well on the job and with our other responsibilities, and when we feel close to God, we’re okay with our imperfections. But when things go wrong, that’s another story. When we’re having serious problems with somebody, when we make a big mistake at work, or when we don’t feel close to God anymore, our imperfections really bother us. Then sayings like “We’re only human” offer us little comfort. That’s when we hate ourselves for our imperfections. It seems that we have an easy time accepting our imperfections in theory but find it really hard to deal with them in practice. But God’s grace isn’t just for the high points of our lives. It’s for the lowest of our lows. The writer of the book of Hebrews says: “So let us

19 Healing for the Wounded Heart come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it” (Hebrews 4:16 NLT). God is ready to give us grace to help us when we need it most in our lives. That’s how comfortable He is with our imperfections. God is not like the people in our lives who show their love and acceptance of us as long as we are doing things right but withhold it when we mess up. God’s love is unconditional. He loves us no matter what. And He reassures us that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). That type of love and acceptance is hard to get used to. But we need to get used to it, if we’re going to make progress in our faith and recovery. It’s okay to be imperfect, even when our life and actions remind us of just how imperfect we really are.

For he understands how weak we are; he knows we are only dust. —Psalm 103:14 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 20 Nine Powerful Emotions

Powerful emotions can leave us feeling distant from God. When powerful emotions like sadness, fear, guilt, and anger sweep over us, we might feel overwhelmed and that God is nowhere to be found. King David knew these feelings. In Psalm 13, he writes: “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” (Psalm 13:1,2). David felt defeated and distant from God. In the aftermath of what has happened to us, we might feel like David. We might feel defeated and distant from God. When powerful emotions overtake the soul, they crowd out any sense of God’s presence. David knew what to do in such circumstances. He took his experience to God and told Him about it. He prayed to God, even when God didn’t feel close. He says: “Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, ‘I have overcome him,’ and my foes will

21 Healing for the Wounded Heart rejoice when I fall” (Psalm 13:3,4). David knew God well and knew that he didn’t have to hide his true feelings from Him. David told God exactly what he was feeling. But David didn’t stop there. Even though David felt abandoned by God, and even though powerful emotions and not God’s presence were what was foremost in David’s soul, David did the one thing that can disarm these emotions and restore peace to life. David chose to trust. He writes: “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me” (Psalm 13:5,6). Most likely David’s choice to trust in God’s unfailing love did not immediately chase away the powerful emotions that had seized his soul. But trust was the only thing that could eventually break the hold of these feelings and set David’s heart free. We can’t prevent powerful emotions from sweeping over us. But we aren’t left defenseless. We can trust in God’s unfailing love and rejoice in His salvation and goodness. That’s what it means to live by faith.

We live by faith, not by sight. —2 Corinthians 5:7

Healing for the Wounded Heart 22 Ten Power In Powerlessness

Abuse confronts us with our own powerlessness and leaves us with illusions of our own strength. Following abuse, our minds obsess about what happened to us; and our emotions reel out of control. We feel sad and depressed. Nightmares may plague us. We may find ourselves filled with rage and hatred for our abusers and even to our horror catch ourselves at times missing the good that we saw in them. Our guilt, shame, and feelings of worthlessness can be overwhelming. At every turn, we live with reminders of our powerlessness to cure the effects of our abuse. One solution we may try is an attempt to assert our power. We energize ourselves with our anger and hatred and fill our hearts with thoughts of revenge. We may decide to pretend like what happened to us never really happened and never speak of it again. We shut the door on that part of our lives and lock it tight. We will just put it out of our minds and never think of it again. We have our different ways of coping. We vow not to let what happened to us ever happen again. We

23 Healing for the Wounded Heart resolve to not let our abuse define us. And we set out to prove to the world and ourselves our true worth and competency. While some give up altogether, others are driven relentlessly by perfectionism and achievement. Abuse traps us either way. On one hand is despair and the mental and emotional chaos that abuse brings to our lives. On the other is the never-ending treadmill of trying to stifle all thoughts of our abuse and proving to the world and ourselves that what we suffered will not define us. We’re caught both by our weaknesses and our strengths. There seems no way out. But there is. Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). Those who recognize that they need God’s help are the ones who find forgiveness and healing. God wants to help and heal us. He always has. But He loves us too much to let our own remedies cure us. Healing begins by realizing our own powerlessness to chase away all the effects of our abuse. Healing begins by trusting God’s heart and intentions towards us. Healing begins once we realize the power in powerlessness.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. —Psalm 147:3

Healing for the Wounded Heart 24 Eleven Surviving Difficult Circumstances

When we’re caught in difficult circumstances with no way of freeing ourselves, it’s easy to give up and lose hope. The Jews of Moses’ day knew that feeling. For over four hundred years, they lived as slaves in Egypt under Pharaoh’s control. Then Moses came and told them about God’s plans to free them. But that spark of hope was quickly extinguished when Pharaoh refused to let them go and made life even more miserable for the Jews. The people resented Moses for trying to help and said, “May the Lord judge you for getting us into this terrible situation with Pharaoh and his officials. You have given them an excuse to kill us!” (Exodus 5:21). They felt hopeless. Eventually, after his country suffered through ten plagues sent by God, Pharaoh freed the Jews. But as they were leaving Egypt, Pharaoh changed his mind and chased after them with his troops. Again the Jews felt doomed and said to Moses, “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die?” (Exodus 14:11). They were certain things would turn out bad. They had learned from

25 Healing for the Wounded Heart slavery to expect disappointment. But God was at work. He told Moses that He would free His people, and God always does what He says. When the Jews reached the sea, Pharaoh thought they were trapped. But God parted the waters, letting the Jews escape to safety on the other side. And when the Egyptians tried to follow, they were destroyed. A few weeks later while safe in the desert, the Jews gathered at Mount Sinai, where Moses would receive the Ten Commandments. We should note the significance of this by reading what God said to Moses while he was still a shepherd in the desert: “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain” (Exodus 3:12). And now the Jews were there at the very mountain where God first spoke to Moses. We may have learned to expect disappointment from life, but God always does what He says. And by trusting in His faithfulness, we find hope.

For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. — Psalm 33:4

Healing for the Wounded Heart 26 Twelve Broken Trust

What seems to come naturally to others doesn’t seem to work quite the same for us since we’ve been abused. That’s especially true when it comes to our ability to trust. Sometimes we may wonder if our ability to trust others has been permanently broken. For some, it’s easy to trust again. And in some cases, it’s too easy. We easily trust people who hurt us or want to take advantage of us. And that just adds to our pain. For others, it’s hard to trust again. Maybe too hard. We’ve been hurt, and we don’t want to experience anything like that again. So we refuse to trust anyone. But life gets lonely and hard without trust. It’s all so confusing and frustrating since our ability to trust has been broken. But it can become less confusing and frustrating once we learn a simple fact about trust. Trust is tied to character. And character is proven by actions, not promises. Think about Jesus. Jesus makes some really incredible promises. He says, “If you are tired from

27 Healing for the Wounded Heart carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30 CEV). Jesus promises freedom from our burdens and rest for our souls when we come to Him. That’s an incredible promise. But the question is “Can we trust Him to do what He says?” It’s interesting. Jesus connects His promise to His character. He says that He is gentle and humble. How do we know that’s true? By seeing how He lived His life. All types of people will make all kinds of promises to us all throughout our lives. Who can we trust? Only people with character. And how can we know their character? By watching what they do. Here’s a wise policy: Trust only the trustworthy. And no one is more trustworthy than Jesus.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” —John 10:11

Healing for the Wounded Heart 28 Thirteen Rebuilding Trust

Often after suffering abuse our capacity for trust is injured. People made promises to us and then betrayed us. Time and again, our hopes were built up only to be disappointed. We heard what our abusers said and believed them, not realizing that their character, rather than their words, determined their trustworthiness. In the aftermath of our abuse, God has spoken to us through His Word. In it He has made some remarkable promises. He has said that He will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrew 13:5). He has said that He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). And He assures us that the good work He has started within us will be brought to completion (Philippians 1:6). These are just a few of His great promises. We’ve heard promises before and don’t want to be disappointed again. An injured trust is slow to heal. But it’s important to remember that the big difference between the people who have hurt us and God is character. The Bible says: “God is no mere human! He doesn’t tell lies or change his mind. God always keeps

29 Healing for the Wounded Heart his promises” (Numbers 23:19 CEV). God always keeps his promises. He doesn’t say one thing and do another. He is faithful. King David knew God well. He writes, “For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations” (Psalm 100:5). From one generation to the next, people who have been hurt have discovered that God is trustworthy. It’s safe to trust the trustworthy God. Trust all comes down to character. Trust should never start with promises. Trust starts with character. And when it comes to character, we know David spoke the truth when he said that the Lord is good and his love endures forever. For that reason, we can trust God’s promises.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God. —2 Corinthians 1:20

Healing for the Wounded Heart 30 Fourteen Living Beyond Fear

Abuse feeds off fear. Abusers threaten. They control, intimidate, and punish. As a result, survivors learn to fear. Abuse teaches us to fear. While being abused, we learn to organize our lives around fear. So to survive, we learn to play it safe. And that habit of living often follows us long after the abuse ends. Now we keep silent about our abuse. We fear what others might think. Or we may act out by managing our hurts with drugs, alcohol, or food. We fear that the painful memories of abuse might overtake us. Or we may become strong and achieve. We fear rejection and disapproval. Or we may rebel and stay angry. We fear that people might forget or that we might forget the injustice done to us. And so fear holds us tightly in its grip. We live in fear. Fear governs all paths we take, except one. Jesus talks about that in the Parable of the Talents. In this story, three men were given three different amounts of money to invest for their master. One was given five talents and another two. Both took the risk of

31 Healing for the Wounded Heart investing and brought their master a return on his money. The third man kept safe the one talent that was given him then returned it to his master. He explains why. “Master,” he said, “I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you” (Matthew 25:24,25). Fear made him play it safe. But he found out that playing it safe is the most foolish risk of all. It cost him everything. God is not like the cruel master in this story. But God doesn’t want us to go through life just playing it safe, living in fear. It takes courage to recover and grow. It takes courage to face our pain and pursue healing. It takes courage to step out in faith believing that life after abuse can be full and rewarding. It takes courage to love and live beyond fear.

There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. —1 John 4:18 The Message

Healing for the Wounded Heart 32 Fifteen How Abuse Tricks Us

Abuse plays tricks on us. One way it deceives us is by filling us with doubts and uncertainty about ourselves. We wonder if we will ever be able to enjoy life again without it being spoiled by our memories of what we suffered. That’s one of the ways that abuse plays its tricks on us. But abuse just doesn’t leave us unsure of ourselves. Another way that abuse plays its tricks on us is by leaving us too sure of ourselves. Overconfidence is a common trap that some fall into after suffering abuse. After going through what we’ve gone through, we decide that we’re going to do everything within our power to make sure that life turns out to our liking. We decide that things are going to be different for us from here on out. So we exert all our energies to control people and circumstances to our liking. And to some extent, we might be successful; but that only encourages our belief in our power to make life turn out the way we want it to. We’re not that powerful. Life will not always turn out the way that we want it to. The prophet Jeremiah reminds us of this when he

33 Healing for the Wounded Heart says, “I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps” (Jeremiah 10:23). Try as we might, we cannot make things turn out the way we want them to all the time. Reality doesn’t always cooperate with our best plans. But that doesn’t mean that we have to live the rest of our lives under the power of what abuse has done to us. There’s hope. Solomon, the wisest man on earth, spoke of a better way of living than living with uncertainty or being sure that we can make things turn out the way we want. He says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:5,6). By trusting in God and following Him, we can find the way to a good life and be free from the tricks that abuse plays on us.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. — Proverbs 16:3

Healing for the Wounded Heart 34 Sixteen Coping With Abuse

Different people have different ways of coping with abuse. Some ways are healthy. Others are not. One common way that people cope with abuse is by shutting away that part of their lives and never speaking of it again. They think that that’s all they need to do in order to deal with their pain, especially if the abuse is no longer happening. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t work. And it only creates other problems. When we choose to bury our pain without healing from it, we always bury our pain alive. And that pain, if we don’t deal with it appropriately, will continue to poison our lives in ways that we may not necessarily understand. Things like eating disorders, substance abuse, sexual promiscuity, cutting ourselves, irrational fears, perfectionism, feelings of inferiority, relationship problems, fear of sex, and more can be traced to our unresolved pain from abuse. By talking with caring and wise persons who won’t judge us but simply will listen to us, we can begin to heal from the pain of our abuse. The Bible

35 Healing for the Wounded Heart says, “Two are better than one…If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!…Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9,10,12). We need to share our stories with others. It can really help to have someone that we can talk to and tell what happened to us. We need someone who will hear our stories and how we were hurt. We need to talk about our fears and the problems that we’re having. We need to understand that the way to heal from our abuse is not by keeping it hidden in the dark but by bringing it into the light. As we bring our pain and shame into the light, we’ll find that its power over our lives weakens. And we begin to heal. God wants to heal us. But we must decide that we’re not going to try to manage our pain on our own or all alone anymore. We must choose the path that takes us to healing.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” —Matthew 11:28

Healing for the Wounded Heart 36 Seventeen Escape Versus Healing

After suffering abuse, we have only two choices about what to do with our pain. Either we’ll spend the rest of our lives trying to escape from it, or we can be healed from it. The choice is ours—escape or healing. People try all sorts of things to try to escape from their pain. Some resort to what’s socially unacceptable—things like abusing drugs and alcohol or being sexually promiscuous. Others take a different path and turn to what’s socially acceptable. They throw themselves into work and achievement or try to act like what happened in the past doesn’t bother them anymore. But whether it’s something socially acceptable or not, the goal is the same: To try to make ourselves feel good so we won’t notice our pain. But every attempt to escape pain doesn’t resolve pain. All the cures that we concoct fail us in the long run. There is a better way. Instead of spending our whole lives trying to escape our pain, we can heal from it. But we can only heal from it when we die to our attempts to escape pain and allow God to do his

37 Healing for the Wounded Heart work in our lives to bring healing. The Bible says this about God: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). Certain wounds are so deep that only the Great Physician can heal them. So we must trust Him to do His work and not rely on our own ineffective remedies. That’s hard, because we wonder sometimes if Jesus really will heal us. And when we doubt, it’s tempting to take matters into our own hands. But we know where that takes us. Our choice is simple. Either we will spend the rest of our lives trying to escape our pain and be frustrated at every turn, or we can entrust our healing to the Great Physician. Escape or healing—the choice is ours.

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal. —Isaiah 26:4

Healing for the Wounded Heart 38 Eighteen The Angry Tiger

So what do you do with all the anger? What happened to you should not have happened, but it did. And when injustice occurs, it is right to feel anger. But what then? What do you do with all the anger? Sometimes—feeling that it’s the proper thing to do—we pretend that we’re not angry anymore. It simply vanished and went away. Like the magician who waves his hand and the angry tiger disappears leaving a lovely lady, our anger is gone. And we can’t explain how it happened. For others, it’s not that simple. They lash out and rebel. They’re mad at their abusers. They’re mad at everyone who didn’t do something to stop the abuse. They’re mad at the world. And they’re mad at God. They become the angry tiger themselves. Somewhere between open hostility and beliefs in a magical solution to make the angry tiger disappear is something that really works. Talking with a trusted friend, counselor, or someone who is safe and truly understands can really help. The Bible says, “Share

39 Healing for the Wounded Heart each other’s troubles and problems, and in this way obey the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NLT). It’s the only way to tame the angry tiger. But there’s a caution. Sometimes in our haste to tame the angry tiger, we talk to the wrong people— people who shame us for being angry, people who pretend the tiger isn’t real, people who want to advise more than listen, or people who want to get close to us only to hurt us again. While it’s good to talk about the angry tiger, it’s right to avoid the wrong people if you’re going to tame it. It can be scary to admit that the angry tiger is real. But with enough talk with the right people the angry tiger can be tamed.

You are better off to have a friend than to be all alone…If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble. —Ecclesiastes 4:9,10 CEV

Healing for the Wounded Heart 40 Nineteen Learning to Say “No”

People who have been abused might have a hard time saying “no” to others, particularly to those who are considered to possess more power or authority than they do. But learning to say “no” can be one of the best and most righteous things a person can do. Paul says, “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self- controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age” (Titus 2:11,12). God’s grace teaches us to say “no.” If we want to live upright and godly lives, we must learn to say “no” to whatever temptations spring from within us. But saying “no” is not just a matter reserved for the evil desires that come from within us but also the unrighteous suggestions that come through others. Not every suggestion or demand that comes from another person is good for the soul or what God would want us to do. That’s true even when a person claims to represent God. Once some people came to Paul and claimed to represent God. But all they wanted to do was ruin

41 Healing for the Wounded Heart things for Christians. Paul saw through them and said, “We did not give in to them for a moment, so that the truth of the gospel might remain with you” (Galatians 2:5). Paul’s “no” was firm. There’s a lot riding on our ability to say “no.” Sometimes it’s our righteousness. At other times it’s our freedom and even our peace of mind. Learning to say “no” is one of the best things a Christian can learn. Learning to say “no” isn’t an easy thing to learn, particularly if we’ve been forced into say “yes” to things we didn’t believe or want to do. One way that God’s grace teaches us to say “no” is in safe relationships with people who’ll give us the freedom to say “no” and who’ll respect our “no,” even when they disagree with it. Learn to say “yes” to relationships where you can say “no.”

Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. —Matthew 5:37

Healing for the Wounded Heart 42 Twenty God’s Unwanted Child

After what has happened to us, it’s easy to feel forgotten by God. It’s easy to feel that He is more concerned with others than He is with us. It’s easy to feel like His unwanted child. But we need to rethink these feelings. To understand what God is really like, we need to look to Jesus. The Bible says: “The Son reflects God’s own glory, and everything about him represents God exactly” (Hebrews 1:3 NLT). And we know from Jesus that He cares deeply about all people, especially those who have been mistreated by others. So if that’s what the Son is like, then that’s exactly what the Father is like. Jesus Himself says, “I assure you, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does” (John 5:19 NLT). So Jesus shows that God has always had a loving heart that cares deeply for everyone. No exceptions. We’re reminded of God’s love when Jesus died on the cross. Peter says, “For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to

43 Healing for the Wounded Heart God” (1 Peter 3:18). When Jesus left heaven for earth to die on the cross it was so He could restore our relationship with God. He did it for us. He didn’t come just to rescue other people. He came for us. When it comes to what shapes our thoughts about God’s thoughts of us, we will make one thing most influential. Either it will be what has happened to us or what Jesus did for us. It will be our own confused feelings or the clear Word of God. The prophet Jeremiah says, “The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness’” (Jeremiah 31:3). God has always valued us—so much that He was willing to suffer and die to rescue us. No one is His unwanted child. Absolutely no one.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. —John 3:16

Healing for the Wounded Heart 44 Twenty-one Damaged Goods

The way people treat us often shapes the way that we feel about ourselves. And when we have been abused, it is easy to believe that we have no worth, deserved what we got, and now are dirty or damaged goods. These are lies that the Enemy of our souls wants us to believe. But the truth will set us free. The truth is that no one has the power to determine your worth, not even yourself. God has set your worth. And nothing can change that. You have been created in His image. And the Cross says that you’re precious to Him. God valued you so much that He was willing to leave heaven, come to earth, and die a horrible death so that you could have the chance to become His precious child and spend eternity with Him. God loves you that much. God thinks you’re worth dying for! The truth is that not only does God think you’re worth dying for, but you did not deserve the abuse that you got. Bad people do bad things to completely innocent people. They did to Jesus. And even if you can find some fault within yourself or some mistake on

45 Healing for the Wounded Heart your part, it does not mean that you deserved what happened to you. Jesus suffered horrible abuse at the hands of wicked men; and if injustice can happen to Him, it can happen to the rest of us. The truth is that whatever damage you might have suffered from your abuse is not beyond the power of God to redeem. In Isaiah 61:3, the prophet Isaiah says that God gives His people beauty for ashes. Evil does its ugly work in our lives, but God cannot be defeated by evil. He restores beauty. When we let Him work in our lives, He is able to bring beauty in us and beauty through us, no matter what ugliness might have happened to us. After experiencing abuse, we have power. We have the power to choose what we’re going to believe. We can continue believing the old lies that the abuse taught us about ourselves, or we can start believing the real truth about our worth and God’s love for us. The choice is ours.

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” —Jeremiah 31:3

Healing for the Wounded Heart 46 Twenty-two Lost in the Crowd

When the Bible says that God so loved the world, it is easy to feel lost in the crowd. The world is a big place. It’s filled with lots of important and powerful people. Many of them are doing great things for God and show remarkable devotion. It’s easy to imagine that God takes note of their lives. But sometimes it’s hard to believe that He notices or cares for you. There’s nothing special about you, except maybe all the problems you’ve had and might still be having. The truth is that in the entire history of the world there has never been a person whom God loves more than you. He loves you not because you’re so lovable but because He’s so loving. The Bible says that God is love (1 John 4:8). And nothing you have done or could do changes that fact. God can’t help Himself. He loves you! You are the reason Jesus left the courts of heaven. You are the reason He came to earth. You are the reason He went to the cross. You are the reason He rose from the dead. And you are the reason He is returning to earth. He went to heaven to prepare a place for you.

47 Healing for the Wounded Heart And now He is coming back to take you where He is so you can be with Him forever. When the Bible says that God so loved the world, we tend to make it impersonal and abstract. We tend to get lost in the crowd. Deep in our hearts, we doubt it. We wonder if God could love anyone like us that much. So we quote John 3:16 failing to see ourselves right at the center of this verse. But you are the prized object of God’s extravagant love. You always have been. John 3:16 not only says something remarkable about God, but it says something remarkable about you. And it’s time to do more than just memorize this verse. It’s time to realize that you’re not lost in the crowd.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. —John 3:16

Healing for the Wounded Heart 48 Twenty-three Clean and Forgiven

Long after the abuse ends, we’re often haunted by feelings of guilt and shame. We feel dirty. We feel worthless. We feel like there’s something wrong with us. We wonder if others can look right through us and see all that has happened to us. Even after we become Christians, we sometimes struggle with feeling like we’re not clean and forgiven. But there’s help. When Paul writes to some Christians at one church, he says, “But his Son became a human and died. So God made peace with you, and now he lets you stand in his presence as people who are holy and faultless and innocent” (Colossians 1:22 CEV). Because of what Jesus has done for us, we now stand in God’s presence completely clean and totally forgiven. Completely. End of discussion. Jesus makes us clean and forgiven. We make a mistake when we think that there is something more that we need to do to make ourselves clean and forgiven. Jesus has already done all that for us when He died on the cross. We cannot improve on what he has already done for us. Not even a little. We

49 Healing for the Wounded Heart just need to grow in our ability to rely on what Jesus has done for us and let that be good enough. Still it’s okay for us to want to feel more like we are clean and forgiven. But that won’t happen if we fail to accept what Jesus has done for us. That’s the starting point. Then we must surround ourselves with people who understand that they’re no different from us, even if they haven’t suffered the same way we have. We need to surround ourselves with other people who believe that the only way that they can be clean and forgiven is by trusting in what Jesus has done for them. When we let people like that know us and love us, it will be easier for us to believe the truth about us that we are completely clean and totally forgiven.

Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new. —2 Corinthians 5:17 CEV

Healing for the Wounded Heart 50 Twenty-four Rethinking Our Value

Since others have treated us as objects of little or no value, it’s easy to view ourselves that way. But that’s not how God sees us. He sees us as valuable persons worth dying for to rescue. The Bible says, “For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. He paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God” (1 Peter 1:18,19 NLT). God sacrificed a lot to save us and thinks that we’re worth it. God just doesn’t rescue us but purifies us from every stain of sin. The book of Isaiah states: “Come now, let us argue this out,” says the Lord. “No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool” (Isaiah 1:18 NLT). No matter what, God is able to make us clean again. But God doesn’t stop there. After turning our lives over to Jesus, we live free of condemnation. That’s

51 Healing for the Wounded Heart what Paul says: “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NLT). Even though we still struggle with sin and temptation and are far from being perfect, God has enough grace to bring us safely through the trials and temptations of life and into His presence. Jude says: “And now, all glory to God, who is able to keep you from stumbling, and who will bring you into his glorious presence innocent of sin and with great joy” (Jude 24). God values us a lot and wants to have a relationship with us both now and forever. To a large extent, we learn to think about our value based on how others treat us. Unfortunately, people don’t always see things the way they really are. But God does. He knows our true value. So we face a choice: To let our sense of value be shaped by what others have done to us or by what God has done and is doing for us. Only by looking to God do we see our true value.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! —1 John 3:1

Healing for the Wounded Heart 52 Twenty-five A Work in Progress

Before King David died, he gave his son Solomon detailed instructions for building God’s temple. With those instructions, David told Solomon this: “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged by the size of the task, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the Temple of the Lord is finished correctly” (1 Chronicles 28:20 NLT). The temple was where the presence of God dwelt. Since New Testament times, God no longer dwells in a temple made of wood and stone but in the hearts and lives of Christians. Paul writes: “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you?” (1 Corinthians 3:16). The fact that God lives within us may be comforting to some but overwhelming to others. We might feel too unworthy. We might feel too unfinished. We might feel too damaged to be a place where God is content to dwell. But we need to remember two things. First, when God saves us, He

53 Healing for the Wounded Heart makes us fit as His dwelling place not through what we’ve done but through what Christ has done for us. Second, God has provided all the resources we need to become more and more the people that He wants us to be. The Apostle Peter writes: “We have everything we need to live a life that pleases God. It was all given to us by God’s own power, when we learned that he had invited us to share in his wonderful goodness” (2 Peter 1:3 CEV). We need to remember David’s words to Solomon. We must be strong and courageous and do the work before us. Spiritual growth and inner healing is a big job, but God is with us. He is at work in us. And He will not fail or forsake us.

And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again. —Philippians 1:6 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 54 Twenty-six How God Accepts Us

It may be tempting to think that we have to get it all together before God will accept us. We might think that we must tame all our wild thoughts and emotions, learn how to properly trust, resolve all our religious questions and doubts, and finish the difficult work of forgiving those who have hurt us and then God will accept us. But God doesn’t work that way. He totally accepts us before we have it all together. That’s what happens when we put our faith in Jesus. In speaking of what Jesus has done and is doing for us, the writer of the book of Hebrews says: “…by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy” (Hebrews 10:14). It’s an interesting passage. As Christians, we start from the position of being totally accepted by God. And the basis for that acceptance is the sacrifice Jesus offered for us when He died on the cross. There is nothing further that we need to bring to God to win His acceptance other than trusting in His Son, Jesus Christ. Our healing and growth does not win for us what we already have—

55 Healing for the Wounded Heart God’s total acceptance. This passage teaches that we have been made perfect or complete in our standing before God because of Jesus Christ. But that does not mean our work of healing, recovery, and growth is finished. This passage also teaches that we are being made holy. We still have a lot of growing and healing to do. But while we are becoming more of what God wants us to be, we start from the place of total acceptance by God in Christ. What a relief! This takes the pressure off us that we have to reach just a little bit higher before God accepts us. We don’t. Instead, we start with God’s acceptance from the very first step in our walk of faith. So we must learn to accept our acceptance by God even though we still have a long way to go on our road to recovery. That’s how God accepts us.

So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God—all because of what our Lord Jesus Christ has done for us in making us friends of God. —Romans 5:11 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 56 Twenty-seven Rethinking Repentance

To repent means that we have a change of mind that leads to a change of behavior. But a change of mind about what? Repentance is not just a change of mind that we shouldn’t commit a particular sin. Usually we already know that but sin anyway. The change of mind that accompanies true repentance involves something else—something much deeper. Think about it. We sin because we think that sin will bring us what we want. That’s what Eve did. Satan presented her with an opportunity to sin. And she successfully resisted until he falsely assured her that she would escape the consequences of sin and get all that she wanted. Satan said, “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:5). The Bible continues: “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it” (Genesis 3:6). Eve thought God was withholding something from her that would make

57 Healing for the Wounded Heart her life better, so she took matters into her own hands and sinned. From the very first sin when Eve ate the forbidden fruit, people have believed that life would turn out better by ignoring God’s commands and taking things into their own hands. Like Eve, we assume that God is withholding His best from us. We repent when we change our minds about that. Instead of thinking that things will turn out better if we ignore God’s ways and take things into our own hands, we trust in God’s unfailing love and good intentions towards us. That doesn’t mean that all of a sudden life turns out the way we want. But it does mean that we’ll avoid all the heartbreak sin eventually brings. So repentance is not just about turning away from a particular sin. It is about turning towards God in trust and taking His path to a better life. That path leads to life and recovery.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. —Psalm 119:105

Healing for the Wounded Heart 58 Twenty-eight A Dangerous Habit

Most bad habits are really hard to break. And some bad habits can be really dangerous to our spiritual health. One of those habits is feeling that God is angry with us or has turned against us just because life isn’t going the way that we want. It’s easy to think like this. We may not even be aware that we have adopted this bad habit. But deep inside our thinking may go something like this: “If I do what’s right, then God will be happy with me. And if God is happy with me, then He’ll bless me. And if God blesses me, then I’ll get what I want and be happy.” So when things go wrong for us and we’re unhappy, we conclude that we’ve done something wrong and think that God is punishing us. It’s a bad habit because life doesn’t work like that. Think of Jesus. He always did what pleased God the Father, but he was misunderstood by the Jews, betrayed by his friends, and died on a cross. His life didn’t go smoothly. And consider the troubles that Paul and the other apostles faced even though their lives pleased God. It simply isn’t true that if we do

59 Healing for the Wounded Heart what is right that life will work out right. Instead of making it a habit of feeling that God is angry with us and has turned against us whenever life isn’t going the way that we want, we should adopt a better habit. We should believe God’s Word regardless. And God’s Word says, “What can we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?” (Romans 8:31,32 NLT). God is for us. And we read in the book of Hebrews: “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid’” (Hebrews 13:5,6). God won’t leave us. The right habits can make life better no matter what. And the best habit is to trust in God’s unfailing love.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. — Psalm 13:5

Healing for the Wounded Heart 60 Twenty-nine Appearances Can Be Deceiving

Things aren’t always as they appear. Looking down railroad tracks, we see two rails converging near the horizon. But we know that the rails never actually meet, although it appears that they do. Appearances can be deceiving. When it comes to our relationship with God, it’s easy to be deceived by appearances. When things are going right for us, when we’re in a good mood, we feel close to God and that He is watching over us. But relying too much on appearances can create problems for our faith. What happens when things go wrong for us? What happens when we’re in a bad mood? What then? Does that mean God has forgotten us or is angry with us? God loves you on good days and bad days alike. He loves you when you’re feeling up and when you’re feeling down. God’s love is not tied to your circumstances. God’s love is not tied to your moods. God’s love doesn’t turn off and on. It’s always on. His love is unfailing. David says, “How precious is your unfailing love, O God! All humanity finds shelter in

61 Healing for the Wounded Heart the shadow of your wings” (Psalm 36:7 NLT). We may not always be able to find shelter from the problems in life. We may not always be able to take refuge in a good mood. But we can always find shelter in God’s unfailing love. That’s something we can count on. People try to find lasting happiness in life a lot of different ways. Some hope that circumstances will turn out in their favor. Others want to feel good all the time. But the only way that really works and takes into account the good and bad in life and the ups and downs of our moods is to trust in God’s unfailing love. That’s the only way to not be deceived by appearances.

We live by faith, not by sight. —2 Corinthians 5:7

Healing for the Wounded Heart 62 Thirty Defeating One Enemy of Our Souls

Worry is an enemy to our souls. It erodes our joy and robs us of true happiness. When we look under the surface of worry, we find another emotion—fear. Worry is fear that what we want to have happen in our lives won’t happen. It’s the fear that what we don’t want to have happen will happen. Worry is all about fear. So what is it that drives our fears? Pain. We’ve known pain and don’t want any more of it. Pain is frightening. In the book of Philippians, Paul offers an antidote to worry. He writes, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6,7 NLT). Paul counsels us to pray instead of worrying. Prayer isn’t magic, but prayer works. It turns our minds from obsessing on what might happen to

63 Healing for the Wounded Heart remembering who God is. He is the God who is bigger than our biggest problem. He is the God who cares for us. Prayer redirects our thoughts from obsessing about possible problems to reflecting on actual blessings. God has been and is working in our lives. We have not been overlooked or forgotten by Him. We have many reasons to thank Him. Worry overwhelms our souls with our negative emotions. But prayer opens our souls to God’s Spirit. And it’s God’s Spirit who brings us peace—peace that is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand, peace even when life brings us problems. Life has its share of trouble. And no amount of prayer is going to protect us from all heartbreak and loss. Paul knew that. His life was filled with difficulties. But he also knew the power of prayer. Prayer keeps us connected to God’s power. And God’s power is what we need to face every problem in life.

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear, even if earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. —Psalm 46:1,2

Healing for the Wounded Heart 64 Thirty-one The Spell Is Broken

Sometimes people who have been abused might feel like a spell has been cast over them. They are haunted by ugly memories. They are confused by their own emotions. They are frustrated over their inability to change. And they wonder if they will ever be normal again. It can be maddening. That word “normal” is a tricky word. The Apostle Paul writes about his normal experience as a Christian and says, “I don’t understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15). Then in verses 18 and 19, he adds, “I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway.” It’s easy to think that the terrible things that have happened to us fully explain why we are the way we are. And while the abuse we experienced did take its toll, our real problems stem from something much deeper than abuse. Our real problems are due to

65 Healing for the Wounded Heart our own sin nature. And everybody—the abused and those who were never abused alike—has to deal with the problems the sin nature pose. Fortunately, God has broken the spell of our sin nature, as Paul says, “Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 7:24,25 NLT). That’s good news. The word “gospel” means “good news.” The gospel is good news about salvation and inner healing. All spells have been broken by the blood of Jesus.

It was a perfect sacrifice by a perfect person to perfect some very imperfect people. By that single offering, he did everything that needed to be done for everyone who takes part in the purifying process. —Hebrews 10:14 The Message

Healing for the Wounded Heart 66 Thirty-two The Trap

There is a trap that’s easy to fall into after becoming a Christian. It’s the trap of thinking that somehow through your devotion you can prove yourself to be worthy of God’s love. There is something deeply twisted in the human heart that resists grace. Grace is the favor God gives us that we don’t deserve. We don’t deserve to be loved as deeply as we are loved. And that leaves us uneasy. So we try to prove ourselves. As soon as you do that, you fall into the trap. You can’t prove through your devotion, good works, sharing your faith, Bible study, or prayer that you’re worth loving. God loved you completely even when you were a sinner, even before you became a Christian. The Bible says, “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners” (Romans 5:8 NLT). Nothing has changed. God loved you then. God loves you now. Obedience isn’t a way that we get God to love us or increase His love for us. That’s not why we obey. We obey because God loves us. We know that He wants

67 Healing for the Wounded Heart only the best for us. He will do us no harm. We obey because we trust in His love for and goodness to us. Sometimes life and even our own hearts play tricks on us. We think that God is holding back some of His blessings because we haven’t been good enough or tried hard enough. We need to watch out for that trap and remember what Paul says: “What can we say about all this? If God is on our side, can anyone be against us? God did not keep back his own Son, but he gave him for us. If God did this, won’t he freely give us everything else?” (Romans 8:31,32 CEV). All of God’s love and help has been freely given to you. Relying on His grace keeps us away from the trap.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. —Jeremiah 29:11

Healing for the Wounded Heart 68 Thirty-three Taming Wild Emotions

Having gone though what we’ve gone through, the only thing predictable about our emotions is their unpredictability. One day we’re up. The next day we’re down. Anger comes out of nowhere. And sometimes the anger is overwhelming. Will we ever feel normal again? Is there a way to tame our wild emotions? David was a man who had more than his share of suffering. For years he lived with the constant threat of King Saul seeking his life. Then after David became king and raised his family, his own son turned against him and took over his kingdom. David knew ups and downs in life and the different emotions that followed them. David writes about how he tamed his wild emotions. In Psalm 131, he says, “But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me” (Psalm 131:2). David describes his inner life like being a weaned child. Children who nurse live with anxiety. When they feel hungry, it hurts. So they get afraid. They don’t

69 Healing for the Wounded Heart know that the hurt will go away, so they cry. But mother is there to care for them. As the child grows and is weaned, he still gets hungry. But he knows that he can go to his parents, and they will feed him. Even if he has to wait awhile, he knows that he will be taken care of. So he’s comforted. At the start in our walk with God, we may not know how He cares for us. So we’re afraid, and our emotions fly out of control. But as we learn to trust Him, we know that He is there for us. And that can take the edge off our fears. Trust helps tame our wild emotions. We trust God because He is trustworthy.

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock. —Isaiah 26:3,4 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 70 Thirty-four Distorted Images of God

Nobody starts off in life with completely mature ideas about God, not even those who are raised in loving Christian homes. But those of us who have suffered abuse are often left with the difficult task of sorting through our doubts and questions about God, especially in light of our pain. It’s hard to reconcile the claims of God’s love and goodness with our experiences of abuse. Given this difficulty, some abandon belief in God altogether. Others settle for believing in a God who is disinterested or indifferent to what happens to humans, while others believe in a punishing God who sends suffering to those who displease Him. But none of these pictures of God accurately portray the God of the Bible. The God of the Bible loves every soul deeply, including you. Yet the God of the Bible does not keep His best servants and even His own Son from the problems of life. Jesus Himself says, “In this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33). Trouble is to be expected. That’s just the way life is.

71 Healing for the Wounded Heart However, the God of the Bible is not indifferent to our heartaches, as Peter reminds us, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you” (1 Peter 5:7 NLT). And the prophet Isaiah says that the God of the Bible is able to heal the brokenhearted and comfort those who mourn (Isaiah 61:1-3). The God of the Bible is the only God who really exists. So when it comes to what shapes our ideas about God, something is going to play the most important part in our lives. For those of us who have suffered abuse, it will either be the fact of our pain or the truth of His person. Our beliefs will be shaped either by our wounds or His ability to heal. After knowing abuse, it is no shame for you to have doubts and questions about God. The only tragedy would be for you to never know the healing that God wants to give you.

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! —Isaiah 49:15

Healing for the Wounded Heart 72 Thirty-five My Grace Is Sufficient

What do we do about our unwanted circumstances and feelings? Abuse interjects a certain amount of emotional confusion and chaos into our lives. It makes the boundary fuzzy between the problems resulting from our abuse and those due to our own human frailties and limitations. What we want is for God to step in and make everything right. That desire is legitimate. In 2 Corinthians, Paul mentions the problems that he wanted God to resolve. Paul doesn’t say how he struggled. We just know that he struggled. So he asked God to make everything right. Jesus answered Paul’s prayer, but not the way that Paul wanted. The Lord said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Jesus reminded Paul that His grace was sufficient for whatever Paul had to deal with. Grace means that God is on our side even when our problems don’t instantaneously disappear. That’s comforting.

73 Healing for the Wounded Heart Let’s face it. What we really want is for God to miraculously act on our behalf. We want Him to instantaneously and completely fix whatever is wrong with our lives. But usually He doesn’t. When He doesn’t, we can be assured that He hasn’t forgotten about us and continues to care for us. God has answered our prayer by assuring us of His grace, even though we haven’t received the outcome we wanted. God’s answer was good enough for Paul. He says, “So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ’s good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10,11 NLT). Paul knew that he could face whatever came his way as long as he had God’s grace. We can pray that God will change our circumstances. But even when He doesn’t, we can be assured of His grace. And that grace is sufficient for whatever we face.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. —Isaiah 41:10

Healing for the Wounded Heart 74 Thirty-six Too Much, Too Little

Typically, we make one of two mistakes when it comes to thinking about our sins. We either think about our sins too much, or we think about them too little. We think about our sins too much when we inflate the power of our sins until they overshadow the blood of Jesus. The Apostle John writes this about Jesus: “He is the sacrifice for our sins. He takes away not only our sins but the sins of all the world” (1 John 2:2 NLT). The blood that Jesus shed on the cross covered every sin of everybody for all time. Not one sin was left unforgiven when Jesus died on the cross. So when thinking about our sin, we must be careful to not think that some sin we’ve committed disqualifies us from God’s love and forgiveness. When it comes to thinking about sin, something is going to be uppermost in our minds. Either our sin and shame will overshadow the blood of Jesus in our thoughts. Or the blood of Jesus will overcome our sense of condemnation. But something will be uppermost in our thinking. We must be careful to not

75 Healing for the Wounded Heart think of our sins too much. There is another danger when it comes to thinking about sin. And that’s thinking about them too little. Compared to what others have done to us, our sins may seem to be small. Others abused us. They hurt us. We were the ones who suffered from their wrongdoing. And compared to them, our sins seem small. That’s true. But we must be careful when we think like this. Otherwise, we might think that our sins are too little. Think of it this way. Suppose our abusers never lived. Suppose that what happened to us never happened. What then? Would we still need the blood of Jesus? Would we still need the cross? Would we still need His death in order that we might be forgiven? Remember what John writes: “He is the sacrifice for our sins.” (1 John 2:2 NLT). So when it comes to thinking about sin, be careful not to think about your sin too much or too little. Instead, think about the blood of Jesus and what that means for sin.

But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. — Ephesians 2:13

Healing for the Wounded Heart 76 Thirty-seven More Than We Can Bear

Christians like to say that God will never give us more than we can bear. But they didn’t get that idea from correctly understanding the Bible. When Paul writes to the Corinthians, he tells about his experience while traveling and spreading the gospel through what is now Turkey. He writes, “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life” (2 Corinthians 1:8). Paul says that the pressures he faced were beyond his ability to endure. As a result, he felt like he couldn’t live through it. Having faced trauma or abuse, we know that there were times like we felt we might not live through it. Some experiences in life can be overwhelming. Paul knew that from experience. However, Paul developed an interesting perspective from his sufferings. He goes on to say, “Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves

77 Healing for the Wounded Heart but on God, who raises the dead” (2 Corinthians 1:9). Paul understood that Christ’s resurrection not only says something important about people’s salvation but also their suffering. We might face things that are more than our ability to bear, but our God is the God who raises the dead. No darkness can extinguish His light. No evil overcomes His ability to work good. No plan defeats His power. Paul understood his own limitations but trusted in God’s power. It’s important to understand what this means. Paul did not expect that he would never face any struggles again. He did not expect that he would never again feel the feeling of being overwhelmed. But he now discovered how God works through times like that. He says, “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us” (2 Corinthians 1:10). Even what is more than our ability to bear is no match for God’s ability to deliver.

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance. —Psalm 32:7

Healing for the Wounded Heart 78 Thirty-eight What We’re All About

Our lives will be defined by something. Either it will be the abuse that we suffered, which seeks to rob us of our truest selves and reduce us to living the rest of our lives as victims. Or it will be our reaction to that abuse, which may drive us into anger, bitterness, and depression or the attempt to hide behind the mask of always being strong and having it all together. But something is going to define us as persons. Neither living as a victim nor trying to pretend that we have it all together is a good choice for how to live life. The best choice for living, whether we’ve suffered abuse or not, is to live a life of love. When Jesus was asked about what should be our top priorities in life, he said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. This is the first and most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like this one. And it is, ‘Love others as much as you love yourself.’ All the Law of Moses and the Books of the Prophets are based on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40 CEV). Love should be what defines us as persons.

79 Healing for the Wounded Heart However, love is not always an easy quality to understand. It’s easy to mistake it for just being nice to others. But that’s not love. Sometimes saying “no” and setting limits is the most loving thing that we can do for others. Sometimes when we really care about others and have their best interests at heart, we will refuse to do what they want us to do. A parent would not be loving if all she did was feed her child sweets instead of healthy food. Love always holds another person’s best interest at heart, even when that other person doesn’t agree with or understand why we’re doing what we do. Love does no harm to others. God loves us and will never harm us. And He wants us to live the same way. Something is going to define us as persons. And nothing is better than to live a life of love.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. —Ephesians 5:1,2

Healing for the Wounded Heart 80 Thirty-nine The Time Machine

Why can’t it be the way it used to be before all this happened? Sometimes we might wish there was a time machine that could take us back to the days before our hearts were broken. We hate the way things are now and want to return to the time when things were simpler. But those days never really did exist. They always were just an illusion. Even before our abuse occurred, our abusers still had the capacity to hurt us. And those who should have protected us from harm were not powerful enough to stop every bad thing from happening to us. Even back then, our protectors had the capacity to fail us. It’s unpleasant but true: The people around us never were as perfect as we like to think they were. Still we wish for a time machine to turn back the clock. We just know that things would turn out differently. But no machine like that exists. Instead, we have walked through a one-way door that doesn’t let anyone go back. Time is like that. But that does not mean

81 Healing for the Wounded Heart we’re stuck with a life that we’ll hate forever. We can’t go back, but we can be healed. Jesus says, “God blesses those people who grieve. They will find comfort!” (Matthew 5:4 CEV). Jesus says that the answer is grief. Grief doesn’t give us back what we’ve lost. But it does help heal the hurt. And it prepares us to receive the good that God has in store for us. Grief opens up another door that takes us out of the darkness and into the light. It takes us out of our pain and into God’s comfort. Grief is God’s gift to bring healing to a wounded heart. Nothing else works. Wishing to go back in time won’t heal our hearts. And just sitting in the dark and hating the life that we now have won’t make things any better. The only way out is grief. God makes a way when there seems to be no way.

Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones. —Isaiah 49:13

Healing for the Wounded Heart 82 Forty Sadness Versus Grief

Sadness and grief are not the same thing. They’re related but not identical. Someone can be sad and never grieve. But no one can grieve without being sad. Jesus was known as a man of sorrows who was acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3). Jesus knew trouble and heartbreak in life. But he also knew how to resolve life’s hurts. He was acquainted with grief. Grief differs from sadness in that it uses sadness to cure sadness. Sometimes people who are sad stay sad. When that happens, they need to become acquainted with grief. Grief takes us through sadness to comfort. Jesus himself said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). The destination is comfort; the path that takes us there is grief. After a hurt or loss, grief can lead us to comfort by helping us accept reality. And reality has two sides. One side of reality is the losses that we have suffered. What happened to us was painful. It hurts. And no one should ever have to go through what we’ve gone through. Our loss and pain are real.

83 Healing for the Wounded Heart However, loss and pain are just one side to reality. Those who get stuck in sadness have a hard time seeing that. It’s easy for them to believe that the only side to reality for them is heartbreak. But there is real comfort. Paul writes, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3,4). God is real, and so is the comfort that He brings us. And we’ll find that comfort but not before we’ve traveled the path of grief. Sadness and grief are not the same. Sadness leaves us stuck in the dark side of reality, but grief takes us back to the light and true comfort.

As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you. —Isaiah 66:13

Healing for the Wounded Heart 84 Forty-one Happy for Sorrow

When bad things happen to us, it’s normal to feel sorrow. That’s to be expected. But we are not meant to spend the rest of our lives in sorrow. Sorrow is supposed to serve our happiness. It is meant to introduce us to the process of grief and change. And on the other side of grief and change is where we find deeper happiness. Paul writes about this in his letter to the Corinthians. They had some problems that Paul talked to them about in a letter that he wrote them. Paul’s honesty hurt their feelings. Paul says, “I don’t feel bad anymore, even though my letter hurt your feelings. I did feel bad at first, but I don’t now. I know that the letter hurt you for a while. Now I am happy, but not because I hurt your feelings. It is because God used your hurt feelings to make you turn back to him, and none of you were harmed by us. When God makes you feel sorry enough to turn to him and be saved, you don’t have anything to feel bad about” (2 Corinthians 7:8-10 CEV). When our sorrow brings us to God and into the process of grief and change, we have nothing

85 Healing for the Wounded Heart to feel bad about. But sorrow doesn’t always do that. Sometimes we get stuck in sorrow and do nothing about it. That’s when sorrow takes us into despair or into resentment and bitterness. And that’s never good. Paul writes, “But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death” (2 Corinthians 7:10b NLT). Sorrow is meant to lead us into repentance or change. It’s the way of the world to allow sorrow to drain all the goodness out of life. That’s not what God wants for us. Life includes suffering. And suffering produces sorrow. But where we allow sorrow to take us is up to us. God wants to heal our wounded hearts. And He will when we go through the process of grief and change. Not before. New life can spring from the seeds we sow in sorrow. That makes us happy for sorrow.

We cried on the way to plant our seeds, but we will celebrate and shout as we bring in the crops. —Psalm 126:6 CEV

Healing for the Wounded Heart 86 Forty-two Uncomfortable With Comfort

Some people are uncomfortable with grief being the path to comfort. They want to talk us out of our sad feelings. They shame us for having them. And they try to cheer us up. But that’s not helpful. The Bible says, “Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart” (Proverbs 25:20). We don’t need cheering up. We need to grieve. If we’re going to find true comfort in grief, we need to have a few people in our lives who understand that this is the only way to the destination of comfort. We need to let them walk with us. We need to let them hear us. And we need to heed the counsel of those who understand, not those who are uncomfortable with this path to comfort. Grief is our only hope. Grief is different from mere sadness. Sadness isolates. The Bible says, “Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” (Proverbs 14:10). But grief brings us into community with others. Paul writes, “Carry each other’s burdens, and

87 Healing for the Wounded Heart in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). And in Romans 12:15, he reminds us, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” We need to empathize with others and find others who’ll empathize with us. On the road to comfort, we need a few good traveling companions to walk with us. The road to comfort is a difficult road to travel. The way is seldom straight, and the path is never smooth. But we can make it if we grieve and choose our traveling companions wisely. Those who make room for our grief but won’t let us get stuck in sadness are the best traveling companions anyone can have. We need people around us like that. We need people who aren’t uncomfortable with this path to comfort.

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” —John 14:27

Healing for the Wounded Heart 88 Forty-three Freedom Through Forgiveness

Having been abused by others, we may wonder if we can ever feel okay again or be happy. Our abusers took something from us. And it feels like they’ve permanently overpowered us and left us as victims. There is a way to get our power and happiness back. But it’s a way that seems both crazy and offensive. It’s the way of forgiveness. Sometimes our wounds are too fresh and our anger too raw to entertain the possibility of forgiveness. That’s okay. But there is no other road than forgiveness that takes us back to a free and happy life. People don’t like the idea of forgiveness because they misunderstand it. Forgiveness is not ignoring, excusing, or minimizing the wrong done that was done to us. That’s not true forgiveness. When we forgive, we realize that what happened to us should not have happened, period. It’s inexcusable yet forgivable. Forgiveness is a choice that we make to no longer be controlled by our bitterness or resentment towards our offenders. We decide that we will not insist that

89 Healing for the Wounded Heart the wrong they did to us be made right, even though they may still need to face real and appropriate legal consequences for their crimes. Remember that whenever possible, legal punishment of our offenders usually is as necessary as our forgiveness of them. Our forgiveness frees us from the hope that our offenders will realize just how much they’ve hurt us and be truly sorry for it. Our forgiveness frees us from the ugliness within us that arose with their abuse— things like our feelings of revenge, hatred, bitterness, resentment and fear. Our forgiveness returns our power to us. With forgiveness, we move from victim to survivor and from survival to recovery. With forgiveness, we move from bondage to freedom. Jesus says, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:31,32). Forgiving others is one of Jesus’ teachings. And it’s key to our freedom. Forgiveness unlocks the chains that restrict our freedom and allows us to take back our power. Forgiving others is one of God’s good yet unwelcome gifts for our healing.

I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. —Psalm 119:32

Healing for the Wounded Heart 90 Forty-four The First Most Common Mistake About Forgiveness

People make a lot of mistakes when it comes to forgiveness. But probably the first most common mistake is the belief that we should forgive and forget. It sounds so noble. But to forgive and forget is both a mistake and foolishness. It is a mistake, because even when God forgives, He doesn’t forget. Think about it. God is an all- knowing God. Everything that can be known is known by God. So when He forgives our sins, He cannot forget them. An all-knowing God cannot forget anything and still know everything. “But wait a minute!” some might say. “Doesn’t the Bible say that when God forgives us He remembers our sins no more?” Any sin God that forgives, He does so completely, as the Bible says: “He has removed our rebellious acts as far away from us as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12). And when God forgives, He no longer recalls our sins to punish us for them; but He still remains all-knowing. If God totally forgives without forgetting, so can we. The saying “forgive and forget”

91 Healing for the Wounded Heart is a mistake. Not only is the saying “forgive and forget” a mistake, but it is also foolishness. It is foolishness, because some sins committed against us should never be forgotten so that justice may be served and others spared similar trauma. People should never forget what happened to the Jews during the Holocaust nor should they forget the racial injustices suffered by minorities in America. When we forgive some sins, we must never forget. It would be foolish to do otherwise. Still, we must forgive. For if we don’t our own hatred and bitterness will consume us. Forgiving those who have abused us is an important but difficult part of our own inner healing. But not everything everybody says about forgiveness is true and wise, especially the saying forgive and forget.

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! —Isaiah 30:18

Healing for the Wounded Heart 92 Forty-five Myths of Forgiveness

Abuse often traps us in feelings of bitterness, anger, despair, and revenge. But forgiving others is the way out. Forgiving others is a way that God has given us to deepen our recovery and experience healing after abuse. But it’s a choice that we must make. Despite the value that forgiving our abusers brings to us, we sometimes cling to old misconceptions about forgiveness. By holding onto these myths about forgiveness, we only slow down and complicate our recovery. One common myth is that if we forgive our abusers we must act like everything is okay between them and us. Nothing could be further from the truth. Our forgiveness helps heal us; it does not magically make others safe to be around. Forgiveness opens the door that frees us from a prison of bitterness and resentment. It changes us. But it does not automatically change and sometimes never will change anyone else. That can be hard for us to accept. Sometimes we really want things to be okay between us and those

93 Healing for the Wounded Heart who have hurt us. They may be people that we really care about. And that makes it hard. A part of us may miss them. And that can be really confusing. But Jesus tells us that we need to be as wise as snakes and harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16). We cannot afford to allow any desire for reconciliation to jeopardize our own safety or recovery. We must be wise. But neither can we afford to let any feeling of resentment or revenge prevent our healing. We must be harmless. We must forgive but not be fooled by any myths about forgiveness. People believe a lot of myths about forgiveness. But remembering to be wise as snakes and harmless as doves will help us avoid the big mistakes when it comes to forgiveness.

Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. —Proverbs 4:6

Healing for the Wounded Heart 94 Forty-six Our Capacity to Forgive

Sometimes the evil done to us overwhelms us and exhausts our capacity to forgive. That can be frightening, especially for sincere believers. Sincere believers want to do what God wants. And sincere believers know what God wants is for us to forgive those who have harmed us. Passages like Matthew 6:14,15 sometimes trouble sincere believers. In that passage, Jesus says, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” We know that God wants us to forgive others. But sometimes we don’t know how to get rid of our hateful, angry, and resentful feelings. And sometimes, especially when you’ve been really hurt, it’s hard even to want to forgive. Maybe forgiving others would be a little easier if we didn’t rely on our own desire or ability to forgive. What if we would admit it when our capacity to forgive was overwhelmed and exhausted? What if we were honest and said that this time we’ve been hurt so

95 Healing for the Wounded Heart deeply that we don’t know if we can ever forgive what was done to us? What if instead of relying on our own power to forgive that we trusted God for His help? After all, when it comes to forgiveness, He’s the expert at it. He has been deeply hurt by all of us but found a way to forgive, even though it was difficult. When Jesus died on the cross, He forgave all sin, even your inability to forgive. And when you trust Him—not just for salvation but for the power to live the Christian life—you can do what you could not do without His help. You can forgive. Maybe not all at once. Maybe not without struggling with old feelings of unforgiveness from time to time. But you can as you grow in your ability to let God help you forgive.

For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him. —Philippians 2:13 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 96 Forty-seven The Most Dangerous Evil

People have different ideas about what is the most dangerous form of evil. Some say it’s child abuse. Others say murder. Still others say something else. When you think about it, many sins might be regarded as the most dangerous form of evil. Hatred. Racism. Deceit. Betrayal. Or greed. The list could go on and on. But one could make the case that the most dangerous form of evil is justifiable evil. When you have been victimized, when you have been deeply hurt and abused, it is normal to feel anger, hatred, resentment, and the desire for revenge. And no one faults you for feeling that way. As a matter of fact, most honest people would probably say that they would feel the exact same way if they suffered the same type of abuse. These unwelcome feelings are not the problem. The problem comes when we hang onto our anger, hatred, resentment, and desire for revenge and let it shape and overtake our lives. It’s understandable why we feel the way that we do. But we will not escape the damage this evil will do to us, if we let it take root and

97 Healing for the Wounded Heart grow in our lives. In Romans 12:21, Paul writes, “Don’t let evil defeat you, but defeat evil with good” (CEV). Paul knows that the only way to defeat the justifiable evil that wants to take over our lives is through the good of repentance, grief, forgiveness, growth, and trust in God. Good things like that are the surest way to overcome the most dangerous form of evil—justifiable evil.

So, dear brothers and sisters, you have no obligation whatsoever to do what your sinful nature urges you to do. For if you keep on following it, you will perish. But if through the power of the Holy Spirit you turn from it and its evil deeds, you will live. —Romans 8:12,13

Healing for the Wounded Heart 98 Forty-eight Boomerang Resentments

All over the world, people are familiar with the boomerang. In Australia, people have used it for thousands of years for hunting and sport. The great value of the boomerang is that it comes back to you after you throw it away. That may be great when it comes to hunting or sport, but it can be maddening with resentments. Once we forgive those who have hurt us, we want to live free of our resentments from then on out. But that doesn’t usually happen. Old feelings revisit us. And some resentments seem to be boomerang resentments. They just keep coming back. Peter once asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21). Peter thought he was being generous by suggesting that we should forgive up to seven times. But Jesus’ answer surprised Peter, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22). That’s a lot. Jesus wasn’t suggesting a limit to forgiveness that was eleven times greater than what Peter suggested.

99 Healing for the Wounded Heart It’s not about the math. Jesus knows that persistent forgiveness is the only way to deal with the hurts others cause us. Otherwise, we’ll get stuck in resentment. And that’s not a happy place to be. We may have had a real struggle with the whole idea of forgiveness to start with. But then we decided that it would be better to forgive than to live in the prison of our own resentments for the rest of our days. So we forgave and, maybe for the first time, broke free of our resentments. But sometimes they come back. It’s frustrating to find out that some resentments are boomerang resentments. And the only way to deal with them is to decide to forgive again. If we get into the habit of forgiving our returning resentments, there will come a time when we toss our boomerang resentments away; and they won’t come back. That’s real freedom.

The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple.…By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. —Psalm 19:7,11

Healing for the Wounded Heart 100 Forty-nine It’s Not My Fault

“I t’s not my fault. I don’t see why I have to deal with all this. It just isn’t fair.” That’s true. It isn’t fair. And what happened to you wasn’t your fault. But when bad things happen that aren’t our fault, they do become our problem. It is our problem to grieve. It is our problem to forgive. It is our problem to heal. And it is our problem to grow and thrive. Refusing to accept this problem is why people get stuck and never move beyond the bad that happened to them. When bad things happen to us, it is natural to be hurt, angry, and resentful. People who don’t feel bad after bad things happen to them will probably have a harder time recovering. But the biggest mistake that people make when bad things happen to them is staying hurt, angry, and resentful. Reacting to evil with evil only keeps us trapped in our pain. Paul tells us, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). We overcome the evil that was done to us and the evil that traps us with good. Through the good of finding safe and healthy people who support our healing, through the good of sharing

101 Healing for the Wounded Heart our pain with those who will listen and understand, through the good of grieving our losses and forgiving those who have hurt us, through the good of believing that life can once again be worth living, through the good of discovering our strengths and using them for God’s glory, and through the good of helping others who have been hurt to believe that there is hope, we can overcome the evil that was done to us and the evil that has trapped us. We cannot turn back the clock and undo what was done to us. And it’s sheer foolishness to pretend like it never happened. But we can do something good with this bad problem that we didn’t ask to have. And instead of spending the rest of our days in blame or despair, we can discover hope and healing. What happened wasn’t our fault, but it is our problem. And it’s a problem that God wants to help us solve.

O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. —Psalm 30:2

Healing for the Wounded Heart 102 Fifty Managing Temptation

After starting down the road to healing and growth, we can easily get sidetracked by temptation. It’s tempting to revert to old habits or to think that we can come up with a better way of living than following God’s way. Temptation is certain to be our undoing, if we mismanage it. That’s what happened to Eve when Satan tempted her. She thought her way of doing things would turn out better than following God’s command, so she ate the forbidden fruit. But instead of making life better, things only got worse. Solomon says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death” (Proverbs 14:12). Temptation always promises more than it delivers. Jesus faced temptation, too. When Satan tempts Jesus by offering Him all the kingdoms of the world if He would only bow down and worship him, Jesus knows what to do. He says, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only’” (Matthew 4:10). Jesus knew God’s Word and had settled in his mind that God’s way of living

103 Healing for the Wounded Heart was best. Jesus didn’t entertain Satan’s offer not even for a second. Jesus knew that no matter how tough life might be following God that it’s always better than the best that Satan has to offer. He was able to see through the appeal of temptation to the high price of sin. Life isn’t always going to be easy. And we’re going to be tempted to do things our own way instead of following God’s commands. So we need to remember a couple things if we’re going to keep temptation from derailing us. Like Jesus, we need to see beyond the appeal of temptation to the high price of sin. We need to remember that temptation always promises more than it delivers. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” And we need to know God’s Word and settle in our minds that God’s way of living is best. That way when temptation comes we won’t entertain it not even for a second.

How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word and following its rules. —Psalm 119:9

Healing for the Wounded Heart 104 Fifty-one Managing Failure

Everybody who decides to heal and grow is going to fail. There will be some setback, relapse, obstacle, or complication along the way. That’s just the way it is. Nobody who decides to heal and grow takes off down the path and never stumbles again. Failure is part of the process. But what we do with failure is what makes all the difference. When some people fail, they hate themselves for it. They let that experience become another piece of evidence in the case that condemns them. They give up. And that’s the biggest mistake of all. Think what would have happened with Peter’s life if he let his denial of Christ become the biggest factor to shape his life from there on out. His leadership of the early church and the two New Testament books that he wrote would be lost forever. All the good that God still could work in and through Peter’s life would never be. But Peter accepted God’s grace and kept going. When some people fail, they hate themselves for it and give up. When others fail, they fail well. They take their failures to God and confess them. The Bible

105 Healing for the Wounded Heart says, “But if we confess our sins to God, he can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away” (1 John 1:9 CEV). They confess their failures to others who support their healing and growth. Again, the Bible says, “Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed” (James 5:16 The Message). They reflect on their failures and think how they can learn from them. So their failure isn’t wasted and becomes a learning experience. Obviously, when we are serious about growth and healing, we’ll take failure seriously but not so seriously that we get discouraged and give up. God knows that those who decide to heal and grow are going to fail. Our failure does not cancel His unfailing love for us. And that love supplies us with enough grace to keep going. Everybody who decides to heal and grow is going to fail. So the secret is to fail well.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” —2 Corinthians 12:9

Healing for the Wounded Heart 106 Fifty-two We Need Each Other

After being hurt, it’s tempting to think that a strong relationship with God is all we need to heal and recover. But that’s not what God says. After God created man and placed him in Eden, Adam enjoyed a perfect life. He lived in a perfect place. He experienced perfect peace and harmony within himself. And he enjoyed a perfect relationship with God. But according to God’s own words, this perfect world was not yet complete. In Genesis 2:18, we read: “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a companion who will help him’” (Genesis 2:18 NLT). This passage isn’t just talking about marriage; it’s saying something important about our humanity. For even with a perfect relationship with God, life isn’t complete without deep attachments to others. God created us to need each other. It’s within the context of safe and healthy relationships with others that our deepest healing and recovery takes place. The Bible says in the book of Psalms that God places the lonely in families (Psalm

107 Healing for the Wounded Heart 68:6 NLT). This isn’t a promise that every person will end up happily married with a family of his or her own. It’s a promise that we can find a safe group of people who will comfort us and support our pursuit of healing. Ideally, the church should be that place—a place where wounded hearts mend. Paul reminds us of our responsibility to each other when he writes: “We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up” (Romans 15:1,2). And in Hebrews, we read: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (Hebrews 10:24). We need each other to heal and grow. Since the days of Eden, we no longer live in a perfect world. But one thing hasn’t changed. We still need each other. And as we begin to open up our hearts to safe people who’ll love and accept us, we’ll find that the wounds of our past will begin to heal.

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. —1 John 4:12

Healing for the Wounded Heart 108 Fifty-three Help My Unbelief

We might be tempted to think that Jesus will help us only when our faith is strong enough. And we may wonder if the faith we have is really that strong. Once a man brought his son to Jesus’ disciples for them to heal this boy plagued by an evil spirit. But Jesus’ disciples were unable to help. When Jesus came, the man told him about the disciples’ failure, then Jesus asked for the boy to be brought to him. When the boy came, he immediately fell to the ground, and the spirit threw him into a convulsion. Jesus asked how long the boy had been like this, and the father told him that it had been a problem since childhood then said, “But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us” (Mark 9:22). Mark reports Jesus’ reaction and the father’s response: “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:23,24). The man had some faith but not complete faith. Would that be enough? It’s interesting what happened next. Mark says:

109 Healing for the Wounded Heart “When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. ‘You deaf and mute spirit,’ he said, ‘I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.’ The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, ‘He’s dead.’ But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up” (Mark 9:25-27). Jesus healed the boy. The man had enough faith to bring his boy to Jesus. He had enough faith to not leave even after Jesus’ disciples failed to help him. And he had enough faith to be honest about his lack of faith. That was enough for Jesus. Jesus healed the boy and so helped the man overcome his unbelief. Jesus isn’t interested in sending us away until we come up with what we think will be enough faith. He takes us where we’re at and helps whatever weak faith we have to become stronger. Jesus helps people overcome their unbelief.

He will not crush those who are weak, or quench the smallest hope, until he brings full justice with his final victory. —Matthew 12:20 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 110 Fifty-four Living Beyond Dissatisfaction

“I hate my life.” It’s easy to feel that way after being hurt. We may hate the life we have and wish for a different one. We’re sure that would make us happy. But this dissatisfaction harms us when it breeds an envious heart within us. Envy doesn’t lead us along a path of growth, healing, and dependence on God. Rather it compels us to take matters into our own hands to get something good that we think God is withholding from us. When Satan tempts Eve with the forbidden fruit, he frames his words to provoke her envy. He says, “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Genesis 3:5). He suggests that God is keeping from her something that will make her life better. Eve fell for it and took matters into her own hands. The Bible says: “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it” (Genesis 3:6). Instead of making life better, her decision made life worse, much worse for her and all

111 Healing for the Wounded Heart generations since. Envy will always ruin things for us. We cannot afford to let it take root in our lives. Envy springs from distrust in God. At the heart of envy is doubt that God really wants what’s best for us. It’s easy to feel that way, especially since He didn’t keep us from being hurt. So that makes it hard to believe that He really cares about us and seeks our best. But when we think like this, we make two mistakes—one about life and the other about God. We live in a fallen world, so we will not escape suffering. Bad things will happen even to good people. But suffering does not signal God’s displeasure with us. God remains good and loves us unconditionally. So though we suffer, He is able to heal our deepest hurts and bring us His best. When we live by faith and trust in God, we’re able to live beyond the dissatisfaction of envy.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. —Jeremiah 29:11

Healing for the Wounded Heart 112 Fifty-five The Most Necessary Repentance

“I was the one who was hurt, so why should I be the one who has to repent? That doesn’t seem right.” It doesn’t. But if we want to heal and recover from our hurts, it’s worth entertaining the possibility of our need for repentance. It’s a fact: Evil done to us gives rise to evil within us. When we’ve been hurt, we respond in certain predictable ways. Some get angry and fight back. Others feel powerless and give up. Some end up bitter and resentful. Others end up in despair. Responding with unhealthy reactions is one reason why we need to repent. But there’s more. In the aftermath of what was done to us, we learn unhealthy ways of coping with our pain. Some turn to drugs and alcohol. Others to food. Some lose themselves in work. And others run to any relationship that looks like it promises love regardless of how unhealthy it may be. There are a million unhealthy ways to cope with pain. And relying on unhealthy means of managing pain is another reason why we need to repent.

113 Healing for the Wounded Heart In the book of Romans, Paul writes something interesting. He says, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). He knows that when evil is done to us it gives rise to evil within us. And so evil overcomes us. But Paul also knows how to escape evil. It’s by responding with good. The good of repentance and growth breaks evil’s grip on us. And instead of being overcome by evil, we overcome evil with good. That’s why we need to repent. One reason we don’t turn to repentance after evil has been done to us is because it seems unfair. It’s true. Their evil is probably greater. But our evil is what will ruin us. That’s why we must repent. And though some responses to evil such as paying back hurt with hurt might feel powerful, it’s a trap of our own making. It becomes an unhealthy habit that overtakes us. And like all unhealthy habits, it ruins life. That’s why we must repent. God has always wanted the best for us. That’s why after evil has been done to us, the most necessary repentance is our own.

Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord. — Acts 3:19

Healing for the Wounded Heart 114 Fifty-six Dealing With Discouragement

Real growth and healing is possible. But real growth and healing seldom comes fast and easy. That’s when we’re tempted with discouragement and feel like quitting. It just doesn’t seem worth it. But growth and healing is always worth it. Discouragement springs from impatience, doubt, and fear. We fear that life will never be better than what it is now, and so we grow discouraged. There’s a way to combat discouragement. We can tell God how we feel. We can tell Him about our doubts and fears. God welcomes that. He wants us to learn to be honest with Him and to depend on Him. The Apostle Peter says, “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you” (1 Peter 5:7 NLT). We must take our struggles to God. Another thing that helps is staying connected with people who support our growth and healing and who’ll listen to us without shaming us. The Bible says, “Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another…” (Hebrews 10:25). Now is not the time to

115 Healing for the Wounded Heart keep problems to ourselves. We cannot afford to go it alone. No good comes from that. It helps to know that when it comes to struggles with growth our experience is no different from what others experience. The apostle Peter writes: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you” (1 Peter 4:12). Then a little later he writes: “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings” (1 Peter 5:8,9). We must resist the devil. We must stand firm. Discouragement is a favorite tool of Satan. And we’re most prone to discouragement when we don’t see immediate results from our efforts to grow and heal. But results will come, if we just won’t quit.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. —Galatians 6:9

Healing for the Wounded Heart 116 Fifty-seven The Long Road

“I just want it to be over. I’m tired of dealing with all my problems and pain.” The road to growth and recovery is long and hard. So it’s easy to grow tired of traveling. But Paul says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9). We need to keep on traveling down this road. It eventually pays off. Still it’s easy to grow weary, especially if we assume that we have to make a certain amount of progress before God will accept us. Thinking like this quickly discourages us. Our shortcomings, inadequacies, and problems are so persistent and stubborn; and growth is frustratingly slow. But we need to remember that we don’t have to reach a certain point before God accepts us. Paul says, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NLT). Traveling this road is just the opposite from how we usually think about things. It isn’t that we have to reach a certain point before God accepts us. God accepts us right from the start.

117 Healing for the Wounded Heart Seeing this as our starting point is what makes real progress along the road possible. So we begin with God’s acceptance of us. And that makes travel less wearisome. Yet there’s another reason why we grow weary along the way. It’s thinking because we haven’t realized complete growth or healing in some area it means that we haven’t experienced real growth. But some growth is real growth. Whenever we confuse some progress for no progress, we’re going to get discouraged. Instead, we should remember Paul’s words to the Thessalonians: “But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one. We have confidence in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we command. May the Lord direct your hearts into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance” (2 Thessalonians 3:3-5). So we need to persevere. The road to recovery is sometimes long and hard, but it’s the only road worth traveling. For it’s the only road that leads home.

The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen. —2 Timothy 4:18

Healing for the Wounded Heart 118 Fifty-eight Waiting on the Lord

Sometimes it seems like God is dragging his heels. Maybe it took some time before we were ready to commit to a path of healing and growth. Then when we do, we expect results to come immediately. We think that once God goes to work everything will work out and fall easily into place. Sometimes it happens like that, but usually we must learn to wait on the Lord. Abraham and his wife Sarah were childless all during their marriage. They both wanted children, but never had any. Then when Abraham was seventy-five years old, God promised him that he would have a child. The Bible says that Abraham believed God. Still, nothing happened during the next five… ten… fifteen… twenty years. Then, twenty-five years after being promised a child, Abraham’s son was born. The Bible says, “Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him” (Genesis 21:5). Abraham waited a long time for God to do what He promised. But God is always true to His word. It’s not always easy waiting on the Lord. We might

119 Healing for the Wounded Heart have questions. Our faith may be tested. And we might not always make the best decisions in the meantime. Even Abraham didn’t always do what was best while waiting on God. But one thing he did do right. He kept believing. Paul says, “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed… Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised” (Romans 4:18-21). Abraham kept believing. Healing and growth do not come all at once. It’s a process. And sometimes it’s a really slow process. Still, it’s the only path worth traveling. God will act, not necessarily when we want and in the way we want, but He will act. He always keeps His promises. We just need to keep believing and wait on the Lord.

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. — Psalm 27:14

Healing for the Wounded Heart 120 Fifty-nine When Life Doesn’t Make Sense

Sometimes it’s tough to follow God. Sometimes our faith will be put to the test. At times like that we wonder if we’re going to make it. Abraham knew what it was like to face confusion and difficulty. After waiting so long for his son to be born, Abraham received a confusing message from God. The Bible says, “Then God said, ‘Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about’” (Genesis 22:2). That didn’t make any sense. But Abraham kept trusting God. The Bible says, “Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about” (Genesis 22:3). When life didn’t make any sense, Abraham kept trusting God and kept moving forward. Things aren’t always going to make sense. Life doesn’t always turn out the way that we want. At

121 Healing for the Wounded Heart times like that our faith will be tested. But we can learn something important from Abraham. When life doesn’t make sense, we need to keep trusting God and keep moving forward. It wasn’t until Abraham walked through this crisis that he experienced God’s deliverance. He went up the mountain and prepared to offer his son. Then at the last possible moment, God stepped in and stopped Abraham and spared Isaac. Abraham could trust God with the most important thing in his life—his son Isaac—because Abraham had made it a habit of following God over the years. And from his experience of walking with God, Abraham knew that God is always faithful. Not every story has a happy ending. Life doesn’t always make sense. And some of the good things that we want to have happen won’t happen. But even when life doesn’t make sense, we can know that God is faithful. And if we just keep trusting God and keep moving forward, we’ll see the good that God has in store for us.

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. —Psalm 9:10

Healing for the Wounded Heart 122 Sixty Seeing Beyond Abuse

When a good thing is used it a bad way, it makes it hard to see the goodness in what was used for harm. Sex was created by God to be something good for a husband and wife to enjoy and for them to produce children. The Bible says this about the creation of man and woman: “The Lord God said, ‘It isn’t good for the man to live alone. I need to make a suitable partner for him.’…Although the man and his wife were both naked, they were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:18,25 CEV). God created sex as a good thing. But when people used sex as a way to hurt us, it can confuse how we think and feel about sex. For some, sex becomes something frightening and disgusting. It’s something they don’t want to talk about or even think about. For others, it becomes the focus of their lives and is all that they can talk or think about. But neither fearing sex nor obsessing about it does us any good. God is to be the center of our lives. He is what fills the heart’s deepest longings. David writes: “As the deer pants for streams of water, so I long for you, O

123 Healing for the Wounded Heart God” (Psalm 42:1 CEV). Knowing and loving God is what the soul needs most. And as we grow in our relationship with God, we’re able to see and accept all the good things that He has created, including sex. James writes: “Whatever is good and perfect comes to us from God above…” (James 1:17 NLT). And when sex is experienced as God intended within marriage, it becomes one of the good and perfect gifts that God has given us. Sexual abuse introduces us to sex on somebody’s timetable and not God’s or our own. As a result, our thoughts and feelings about sex get confused. But as we learn to see beyond our abuse—to see sex as God intended—we learn to see the purity in this precious gift.

How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! —Song of Solomon 7:6

Healing for the Wounded Heart 124 Sixty-one We’re Not That Different

Many people who have never been sexually abused still struggle with their sexuality. They may have inappropriate sexual thoughts. They may have troublesome sexual feelings. And they may engage in inappropriate sexual behaviors. So managing sexuality is not just a challenge for those of us who have been sexually abused. A lot of people struggle with their sexuality. Sexual abuse does complicate certain things for us. It means that we were introduced to sex on someone else’s timetable and not our own. And it may mean that we have had to deal with sexual experiences we would never have chosen for ourselves. Still, we need to remember that our struggles in this area are not that different from what other people face. Paul writes: “But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it” (1 Corinthians 10:13

125 Healing for the Wounded Heart NLT). Paul says that our temptations are like what other Christians have had to deal with. And he reminds us that God will help us deal with whatever struggles we face. One of the ways that God helps us manage our temptations is by providing us with caring and understanding people with whom we can share our struggles. By talking to others about our struggles, we can find the support we need to be victorious. When we struggle with unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, it’s easy to think that something is wrong with us. So we keep our secrets and pretend that everything is okay. But pretending that everything is okay doesn’t make it okay. It’s only when we share our struggles and invite others to pray for us that we find the strength we need to manage our sexuality.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results. —James 5:16

Healing for the Wounded Heart 126 Sixty-two Fears About the Future

Moving on with life is scary, particularly when we’re uncertain if we’re ready for the future. Moses knew what that felt like. At one time in his life, Moses was ready to take on the future. But things backfired on him, so he traded the life he had for a safe life of tending sheep. He probably would have been content to spend the rest of his life that way, then God appeared to him in a burning bush saying, “You can be sure I have seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard their cries for deliverance from their harsh slave drivers.… Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You will lead my people, the Israelites, out of Egypt” (Exodus 3:7,10 NLT). Moses didn’t want that responsibility and began offering God excuses. Moses felt inadequate and was unsure that he was right for the job. He questioned how others would respond to him and doubted if he had what was needed for success. We might confuse Moses’ hesitation with humility, but it was more about fear than anything else. Moses had grown comfortable with

127 Healing for the Wounded Heart life as he knew it and was afraid of change. God answered each of Moses’ fears and assured him, “I will be with you” (Exodus 3:12). God would supply Moses with everything for success. We may have fears about the future, but God is always ready for what lies ahead. So by trusting in Him, we can be ready for the future, too. Still, something else was holding Moses back. He says, “Lord, please! Send someone else” (Exodus 4:13 NLT). For whatever reason, Moses didn’t want this responsibility. We don’t know if it was age, laziness, or something else. But Moses did not welcome change. But God wouldn’t budge and sent Moses on ahead. Like it or not, tomorrow is coming. And living in fear with all our excuses is a poor way to face it. We can be ready for whatever the future brings by putting our lives into hands of the One who holds the future. Faith is always the best antidote to fear.

Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. —Psalm 23:4 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 128 Sixty-three Avoiding Unhealthy Comparison

Just because we may not possess the gifts or talents that somebody else possesses doesn’t mean that our lives don’t count. Comparing ourselves to others is one of the surest ways to devalue our worth and neglect the strengths that God has given us. Paul writes about this when he compares the human body to Christ’s body—the church. He says, “Yes, the body has many different parts, not just one part. If the foot says, ‘I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand,’ that does not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear says, ‘I am not part of the body because I am only an ear and not an eye,’ would that make it any less a part of the body? Suppose the whole body were an eye—then how would you hear? Or if your whole body were just one big ear, how could you smell anything? But God made our bodies with many parts, and he has put each part just where he wants it” (1 Corinthians 12:14-18 NLT). God has made you who you are with all the gifts and abilities that you possess. As soon as you try to be someone or something else you’re going to fail and be

129 Healing for the Wounded Heart miserable. You make a great you but a poor imitation of anyone else. Devaluing our gifts and trying to act like someone else is one of the quickest ways to miss our true worth and contribution. Our worth is not based on what we do. Our worth is based on who we are. We are beings made in the image of God. And despite the fact that we’ve sinned, God was willing to die for us just so we can be His friends once again. By realizing that our worth is not tied to what we do, we become free to discover our unique gifts and use them without apology. God has a good purpose for how He has made us. And instead of wasting our lives wishing that things were different, we can invest our lives in making a difference. There’s no better way to live than that.

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. —Matthew 5:16

Healing for the Wounded Heart 130 Sixty-four Making a Real Difference

Unless we are obviously gifted or talented in some way, we might feel that we can’t be used by God to make a real difference in the lives of others. But nothing could be further from the truth. Both Paul and Peter remind Christians that God has given spiritual gifts to all believers so that their lives can be a blessing to others. Paul says, “The Spirit has given each of us a special way of serving others” (1 Corinthians 12:7 CEV). And Peter writes, “Each of you has been blessed with one of God’s many wonderful gifts to be used in the service of others. So use your gift well” (1 Peter 4:10 CEV). So it is clear that God wants to use our lives for good. And He will, if we believe what He says more than our own feelings of inadequacy or critical thoughts. Actually, having suffered abuse and survived it, having come to believe in God’s love for and commitment to us, and having experienced His grace and healing in our own lives, we are better equipped than anyone to help and encourage those who may not have traveled as far down this road as we have. The

131 Healing for the Wounded Heart sad fact is that other people are facing or have faced similar things to what we’ve gone through. And some of them don’t yet know that there is hope and healing. Never in a million years would we wish that anyone would have to go through something like we’ve gone through. But now that we have gone through it and survived and have experienced real healing from God, we can use our gifts of encouragement, compassion, service, or whatever to be a blessing to others. God is less concerned with what types of gifts or talents that we have than our willingness to use our abilities to make a real difference for others. And by letting His light shine through us, we will make a difference.

We are like clay jars in which this treasure is stored. The real power comes from God and not from us. —2 Corinthians 4:7 CEV

Healing for the Wounded Heart 132 Sixty-five A Better Life

Every one of us knows what it would take to make us happy. Or so we think. We have our own scripts written in our minds of how life should turn out. But there’s just one problem with this: Reality seldom cooperates. So we get stuck with disappointment. We know the life that we want, but we’re stuck with the one we’ve got. But we don’t have to live the rest of our lives with disappointment. To rise above disappointment, we must change a couple key beliefs. First, we must change our expectations about life. Good things happen in life. That’s true. But probably most of us do not have good things happen to us as frequently as we would want. Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33). Of that we can we sure. And in the Old Testament, Job says, “Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward” (Job 5:7). We need to have realistic expectations about life. We need to learn to accept life on life’s terms. But this is not the only belief that needs changing if we’re going to rise above disappointment. We must change how we view God. Too often, we

133 Healing for the Wounded Heart want God to operate like a genie in a bottle—rub the bottle with just the right combination of prayer and obedience and out He pops saying, “Your wish is my command.” Genies make for good fantasy but are useless in facing reality. Jesus offers us something better. Again, in John 16:33, he says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” In Christ, we can find peace, regardless of the troubles that we might face in life. So to rise above disappointment, we need to have a mature understanding of life. Life probably will not bring us everything to make us happy. But we also need a mature understanding of God. In Christ, we can find peace. And that peace is all we need to live a better life.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. —John 14:27

Healing for the Wounded Heart 134 Sixty-six Fighting Bully Circumstances

Circumstances are intruders. They break into our lives and rob us of our joy and peace. We are perfectly content with minding our own business, happy with the way things are. Then some bully circumstance comes along and sticks his nose in where he’s not welcome. He interrupts our calm and turns our world upside down. We hate unwanted circumstances and wish that they didn’t have so much power over our lives. These bullies are not always big and brutish. Sometimes they appear as sophisticated ladies with prim and proper ways. But with their refinement comes critical tongues that give us no rest. They constantly tell us that we’re not good enough, that we need to try harder, and that we need to do better. They say that they only mean to help, but all they do is leave us feeling bad about ourselves. Bully circumstances come in all shapes and sizes. Can we fight back? Can we protect ourselves? People say that deep-down bullies are just cowards. But the problem is that these cowards persistently pick

135 Healing for the Wounded Heart on us. It seems that we’re always at their mercy. We never get any rest. Faith is the only way to successfully fight back. On our own, we’re not powerful enough to protect ourselves from bully circumstance. But with God’s help we can stand up to them. In Romans chapter 8 verse 35, Paul asks, “Can anything separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble, suffering, and hard times, or hunger and nakedness, or danger and death?” (CEV). It’s interesting. He doesn’t say that with enough faith we will escape all trouble and trials. Sometimes we do, but typically that’s not how faith works. Faith does not protect us from all problems. Faith keeps us from being defeated by these intruders. Just a couple verses further in the same chapter Paul writes, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:37). It’s true. Faith gives us the ability to stand up to our circumstances knowing that they cannot rob us of God’s love for us. And trusting in God’s unfailing love gives us the power to face whatever circumstances we must, even death. We can fight these bullies. The secret is faith.

The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies. — Psalm 118:7

Healing for the Wounded Heart 136 Sixty-seven The Type of God He Is

“S o where was God when I was being abused? What type of God would let something like that happen to someone?” Those are good questions. They’re tough questions but good questions. Here’s another good question: “What type of God would let something like that happen to Himself?” Don’t be too quick to dismiss this as an attempt to avoid the hard questions. It’s one question that might actually help us gain some perspective on the others. What hurts when we think about God is His apparent aloofness. It seems that He doesn’t care. He didn’t do anything to stop our abuse. He could have. But He didn’t. He didn’t strike our abusers dead before they hurt us. He didn’t give us enough power to fight them off and escape to safety. He didn’t protect us from them in the first place. It seems like God just stands by and watches all types of horrible things happen to people and never does anything about it. What type of God is that? While this may be true of the gods of other religions, we find something different in Christianity.

137 Healing for the Wounded Heart In Christianity, God took on flesh, entered our world, suffered, and died on a cross. His death was for sin— all sin. So that means, when Jesus died He suffered due to our abusers. He knows personally the type of pain that they bring. He has suffered because of them Himself. That’s what type of God He is. What’s more is that He knows fully the anguish of our feelings of abandonment and resentment. He has taken these upon Himself, too. He has taken upon Himself our anger, hatred, and doubts. All of it. He isn’t a God who watches our experiences from afar. He knows them up close and personal. That’s what type of God He is. Why would He do this? The prophet writes: “He was wounded and crushed because of our sins; by taking our punishment, he made us completely well” (Isaiah 53:5 CEV). Jesus wants to heal us. God values freedom, which means evildoers are able to hurt others. But God hasn’t left us without hope. He is able to heal all our wounds, including those done by others and the self-inflicted ones. That’s the type of God He is.

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. —Luke 12:6,7

Healing for the Wounded Heart 138 Sixty-eight Eyes to See

Some eyes lack the ability to see certain things. Colorblind eyes can’t see certain colors. It is not that the color is absent from what is being viewed. But colorblind eyes cannot see what’s really there. Certain eyes do not see certain things. Innocent eyes don’t see what survivors do. They do not see the treacherous ways that people behave. They do not see the inhumane things that people are capable of. Innocent eyes do not observe the compromises that we make in order to survive. Innocent eyes have a particular way of seeing things that’s different from survivors. They are so full of hope and trust. But they do not see things the way they really are. Survivors’ eyes are different. We’ve seen horrible things, nightmarish things. We’ve seen images that sometimes don’t go away when we close our eyes or fall deep asleep. The images we’ve seen stay and haunt us. We’ve seen what people can do. And worse. We’ve seen what we’re capable of doing just to survive. Survivors’ eyes are different from innocent eyes. Often

139 Healing for the Wounded Heart they are full of pain. Often they are full of anger. And often they are full of despair. Actually, innocent eyes and survivor eyes share something in common. They do not see far enough into reality. It is true. People do horrible things to others. And people do desperate things to survive. The innocent need to see that this is reality. But there is another side of reality that survivors must see. They must see God’s ability to heal and restore, because this is reality, too. Both the innocent and survivors need eyes to see. Once enemies of the Jews came by night to capture the prophet Elisha. They surrounded the city where he was staying. The next morning Elisha’s servant fearfully reported the news to him. Elisha told his servant, “Don’t be afraid! For there are more on our side than on theirs!” (2 Kings 6:16). Then Elisha prayed that the Lord would open his servant’s eyes to see the help that God had sent. To experience real healing, we must realize that our eyes have not seen all there is to see. We need to open our eyes to what God can do.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. —Psalm 121:1,2

Healing for the Wounded Heart 140 Sixty-nine Our Healing and Growth

We all have ideas about how God should help us with our healing and recovery from abuse. Often we expect Him to work instantaneously and completely, leaving no scars. We want a miracle like the ones that we read about in the Bible. One moment a person is dead then alive the next. One moment a person is blind and the next he sees. That’s what we want for our healing and recovery. We want all the effects of our abuse to be reversed immediately and permanently. We want life to be set right in a moment. That’s how we want God to work in us. However, that is not how God usually works. Even when God is fully at work within us, our spiritual growth and emotional healing remains a process that takes time. Think about how flowers grow. God could cause a seed to sprout all at once and shoot up into a fully mature plant with beautiful blooms. But that’s not how the miracle of growth happens. In talking to the Corinthians about their spiritual growth, Paul says, “My job was to plant the seed in your hearts, and

141 Healing for the Wounded Heart Apollos watered it, but it was God, not we, who made it grow. The ones who do the planting or watering aren’t important, but God is important because he is the one who makes the seed grow” (1 Corinthians 3:6,7). God uses people to help us grow, but He is the one who makes us grow. And that growth takes time. Often growth is hard to endure because it takes so long. We get impatient and become frustrated when things don’t happen faster. We are acutely aware of how painful our struggle is and long for deeper healing and growth. It’s easy to get discouraged when we think of how far we have yet to go. But we cannot afford to give up. We need to remember the flower. On any given day, we don’t see its growth; but it keeps growing. Then one day, we notice its beautiful blooms and recall its small beginning. How did it become so beautiful? By growing. By God doing His work in its life. We need to remember the flower and trust God to do His work within us.

And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again. —Philippians 1:6 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 142 Seventy Fault and Responsibility

“S o why am I the one who has to do the growing and healing? It doesn’t seem fair. I didn’t ask for this. They chose to hurt me. I didn’t do this to myself. So what about them?” After all we have gone through, it’s understandable why we feel the way we do. Some may try to talk us out of our feelings. But that’s not helpful. What helps is to think carefully about the difference between fault and responsibility. What happened to us was not our fault. It was not our fault that we were abused. It was not our fault that they did us wrong. It was not our fault that we suffered the way we did. Our abusers bear complete responsibility for the wrong that they did to us. We must be clear about that. It was not our fault. However, we must be clear about another important point. Though the abuse was not our fault, our healing and recovery is our responsibility. No one else’s. That may not seem fair. But accepting that fact is the only way to get better. We cannot afford to wait for our abusers to make

143 Healing for the Wounded Heart the first move. We cannot afford to wait for apologies. We cannot afford to wait for others to have a change of heart. That only continues their power over us. To wait until our abusers change or grow is to sentence ourselves to staying frozen in pain. And that’s no way to live. Abuse not only brings pain but also injures our ability to live and relate in healthy ways. There’s no escaping that. So to find a better life, we must accept our responsibility. Healing from pain and learning how to live and relate in healthier ways is our responsibility. Peter writes: “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:18). That grace and knowledge equips us to live more abundantly. The goal is not to merely survive abuse. If that’s the best we can do, then that’s good enough. But it may be possible to not just survive abuse but to thrive after it. However, a life like that is only possible by accepting proper responsibility—the responsibility for our own healing and growth.

Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths. —Psalm 25:4

Healing for the Wounded Heart 144 Seventy-one Injury and Abuse

When we say that abuse injures our ability to live and relate in healthy ways, we must be careful to clarify what this means. First, we must realize that abuse always injures but the extent of its damage may not be immediately seen or easily detected. In other words, we may not on our own be able to see clearly how abuse has affected us personally. We might need some help in seeing how we’ve been injured by abuse. That’s where understanding and supportive people can make a big difference. Second, we should be clear about what it means to be an injured person. A person who has survived a car wreck is in no way less a person than someone who has never been in a wreck. So being a person injured from abuse does not mean that we have less value than anyone else. It just means that we face certain challenges in recovery that others might not face. Third, some of the ways that abuse injures our ability to live and relate in healthy ways may not seem like injuries at all. After suffering abuse, some people feel overwhelmed with feelings of shame, anger,

145 Healing for the Wounded Heart sadness and guilt. Some try to manage those feelings with drugs and alcohol. It’s obvious how that’s a problem. But other ways of coping with our negative feelings may not seem to be problems at all. Some try to manage their negative feelings by shutting off their feelings altogether. But feelings can’t be turned off selectively. In other words, we can’t stop just the bad feelings without turning off the good ones, too. And that becomes a problem with how we live and relate. Another problem comes when we decide to deal with our negative feelings by achievement and perfectionism. But no achievement heals our injuries. We need something else. We need grace. Grace means that after being injured by abuse, we come to realize that our own solutions are not really solutions at all. Instead, it means that we trust God to bring about our healing His way. David says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). God’s grace heals us. As we heal from the injuries of abuse, God’s grace shows us healthy ways to live and relate.

O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. — Psalm 30:2

Healing for the Wounded Heart 146 Seventy-two Managing Uncertainty

Life can be so uncertain. And when uncertainty arises, so does anxiety. Anxiety is uncomfortable. We want things to be settled. We long for resolution. We want to know what the outcome will be. At least then we will know what we have to deal with. Then we can go about swallowing our disappointment or savoring our joy. But the not knowing is what makes uncertainty so maddening. We need to know how to better manage uncertainty. Part of managing uncertainty is expecting uncertainty. Uncertainty is always going to be a part of life. And we shouldn’t expect it to go away just because we don’t like it. So learning to expect uncertainty can help us manage it. Another thing that helps us manage uncertainty is learning to see beyond uncertainty to certainty. While life is often uncertain, something is greater than life’s uncertainty—God’s faithfulness. David knew that. David had achieved a lot on his rise from obscurity as a shepherd boy to becoming the greatest king of Israel. But after he had risen to this height, his own son

147 Healing for the Wounded Heart Absalom turned against him. His son’s rebellion jeopardized everything for David. Absalom had successfully won over enough people to declare himself as king over Israel, dethroning his father. So David had to flee Jerusalem for his life. He left behind what was familiar for an uncertain future. During this time, David wrote these words: “Your unfailing love is better to me than life itself; how I praise you!” (Psalm 63:3 NLT). He knew there was something certain that he could count on during uncertain times—God’s unfailing love. God’s unfailing love does not mean that every problem will vanish leaving life simple and easy. But God’s unfailing love assures us that our Father remains committed to us through all our struggles and is working for our good. The road to healing and growth takes us through the desert of uncertainty. And that’s when we need to remember that on our journey we never walk alone.

Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. —Psalm 23:4 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 148 Seventy-three Recovery Isn’t a Solo Act

We don’t like thinking about it. We don’t like talking about it. The abuse we suffered is a thing of the past, so why bring it up again? And particularly, why bring it up to someone else? Two reasons. First, pain that’s buried alive always comes back to haunt us. Second, a burden shared is a burden made lighter. Recovery isn’t a solo act. We need to connect with others to heal and grow. In the book of Galatians, Paul writes: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (6:2). Helping others with their burdens and allowing them to help us with ours is how a Christian community is supposed to function. We need good traveling companions on the road to recovery. The book of Ecclesiastes underscores the wisdom of finding good traveling companions for this journey. It reads: “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can

149 Healing for the Wounded Heart one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple- braided cord is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NLT). We need each other for success, support, comfort, strength and victory. It just makes good sense to travel this journey in the company of others. It isn’t necessarily easy to hear their stories and to be heard. We would rather laugh in the company of others than cry. But opening our hearts in this way helps us realize that we’re not alone. It reassures us that others care. And it helps us to heal. You might join a group of survivors. You might enlist the help of a competent Christian counselor. You might find a true and trustworthy friend to share your journey with. Or you may want to surround yourself with a number of worthy traveling companions. But to make real progress in healing and growth, you must not travel solo.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. —1 Thessalonians 5:11

Healing for the Wounded Heart 150 Seventy-four The Tough Shell

Overconfidence isn’t usually a trait that we associate with survivors of abuse. Yet some survivors try to compensate for the devastation of abuse by developing a tough shell. But that’s not the way to true healing. A hard shell never has been a good substitute for a healed heart. And that’s what we’re seeking in recovery—a healed heart. Deep inner healing is possible. But it begins only when we realize that there’s a better way to live than developing a tough shell. A tough shell may keep out some of the pain, but it keeps out too much of the good stuff, too. And it’s the good stuff that makes life truly worth living. Healing requires giving up inadequate solutions for coping with life. It means putting aside the tough shell. Healing means adopting ways that truly work. It starts with a poor spirit. Jesus says, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). Another version of the Bible translates this passage this way: “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of

151 Healing for the Wounded Heart Heaven is theirs” (Matthew 5:3 NLT). As long as we act like we don’t need anyone’s help, not even God’s; as long as we hide under a tough shell; as long as we cut healthy people out of our lives—we keep our hearts from healing. Jesus says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light” (Matthew 11:28-30 NLT). A tough shell is a heavy burden. And it’s a foolish burden to carry when we can find true healing and rest for our souls. People develop tough shells because they don’t know a better way to cope with pain. But Jesus offers a better way. And we cannot afford to keep His love and healing out.

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. — Ezekiel 36:26

Healing for the Wounded Heart 152 Seventy-five Faulty Beliefs

Some of the things that we tell ourselves over and over hinder our healing and growth. These are the faulty beliefs that we believe. Our faulty beliefs need to be unearthed, brought into the light, and corrected, if we want to get better. One of these faulty beliefs is the belief that if only we were better persons in some way, then we could have prevented or stopped our abuse. The mistake behind this belief is that it assigns the reason for our abuse to some imperfection within us rather than within our abusers. We must be clear about this. We are not the cause of our abuse. And we are not the reason our abuse continued. The problem was not that we were not good enough. The problem was that they were not good enough. They were not good enough. Otherwise, they would not have harmed us. They were not good enough. Otherwise, they would have protected us. They were not good enough. Otherwise, they would have taken better care of us. They were not good enough. Otherwise, they would have loved us with

153 Healing for the Wounded Heart true love. That’s the way we deserve to be loved. The Bible says this about love: “Love is kind and patient…Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered.…Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6 CEV). The Bible is right when it says that love always protects. That’s true love. Sometimes it’s easier to blame ourselves for what has happened to us than to face the hard truth about others. The truth about the people who abused us is that they did what they did because of their own faults. And the same is true for those who let them abuse us. It had nothing to do with us. The problem was with them. By coming to realize this, we can quit condemning ourselves for our abuse. And we can begin to explore more productive ways to promote our healing. Faulty beliefs keep us from making real progress in recovery. But the truth will set us free.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. — John 8:32

Healing for the Wounded Heart 154 Seventy-six Hope for the Future

From time-to-time, we may find ourselves longing for the carefree days before we knew abuse. But those days are gone, never to return. We cannot turn back the hands of time and recapture those days. So now we might feel stuck and wondering if life will ever be good again. Naomi knew that feeling. During a famine, she left her home in Judah and moved to Moab along with her husband and two sons. While in Moab, her husband died. Then about ten years later, both her sons died, leaving Naomi and her daughters-in-law all alone. Eventually, Naomi returned to her hometown of Bethlehem in Judah with Ruth, one of her daughters- in-law. Naomi’s return caused a stir among the people who remembered her. The Bible reveals how Naomi was feeling: “Don’t call me Naomi [meaning “pleasant”],” she told them. “Call me Mara [meaning “bitter”], because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me;

155 Healing for the Wounded Heart the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me” (Ruth 1:20,21). Naomi felt that life had been drained of joy forever. She had no hope for the future. Often abuse and misfortune leaves us without hope. Like Naomi, we may see life as being full of nothing but bitterness. But the story isn’t over. Our advantage over Naomi is that we not only know about her tragedy but also how her story ends. Her daughter-in-law Ruth marries a good man who cares for Naomi, too. Ruth and her new husband Boaz present Naomi with a grandson. The Bible says, “Then Naomi took the child, laid him in her lap and cared for him” (Ruth 4:16). Once again, Naomi knew happiness. Her bitter life had become pleasant again. The final chapter in our stories hasn’t been written. Paul assures us: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Roman 8:38,39). With a promise like that, we have every good reason to hope for the future.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. —Psalm 62:5

Healing for the Wounded Heart 156 Seventy-seven The Trap of Strength

The sinister thing about abuse is that it takes what is normal and natural to each of us—our needs and vulnerabilities—and turns them against us. As a result, we learn to despise that part of our lives. We think that if we were not so needy or vulnerable, then we never would have been hurt in the first place. So we decide to quarantine our needy and vulnerable parts and be strong and independent. We will trust and need no one. So strength is our solution, but strength becomes our trap. Sometimes this solution takes us down a path of loneliness and resentment. To spare ourselves more pain, we won’t let anyone close to us. We grow cold. And the colder we become, the more people avoid us. And so, our need to be strong traps us. We might try another solution. We fill our lives with relationships and service. We’re always doing something and giving to others. But we end up only serving and relating from our strengths and abilities. We let no one close to our weak and dependent parts. We hide and protect that part of our lives. As a result,

157 Healing for the Wounded Heart no one is ever allowed to truly serve, know, or love us. And once again, our need to be strong traps us. Once Paul brought one of his most troubling weaknesses to God for healing. But after earnestly praying for help, he got this answer from the Lord: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). From that point on, Paul’s attitude about his weaknesses changed. The verse continues: “Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9 The Message). Christ’s strength takes over when we accept both our weaknesses and His grace. Paul discovered that God’s grace and not more of our own strength is what our weaknesses need most. Every attempt to hide our weaknesses with strength traps us in isolation. But God’s grace is what sets us free. His strength is what we need most.

From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. —John 1:16

Healing for the Wounded Heart 158 Seventy-eight Walking Without a Limp

A broken leg may cause a limp, particularly when the injury is fresh. But with proper treatment, the bone can heal and function properly. Abuse injures the soul. And that hurts. It hurts a lot. And often in the aftermath of that pain, we adapt to the injury. It’s like walking with a limp. One of the ways that we walk with a limp is by denial. With denial, we pretend like everything is okay. We act like the injury didn’t hurt that much. We may even believe that ourselves. But pretending everything is okay when it isn’t never healed anyone. We will continue to walk with a limp. Another way that we walk with a limp is self- medicating. People self-medicate in different ways. Some use drugs and alcohol. They discover that substance abuse is a way to avoid feeling the feelings that they don’t want to feel. And it works…for a time. But drugs and alcohol always bring their own set of problems into our lives. And our limp gets worse. Another way that people self-medicate is through achievement and perfectionism. We think that if

159 Healing for the Wounded Heart people notice how well we’re performing in other areas of our lives—career, family, service at church, or whatever—they may not notice our limp. Maybe we’ll even forget about it ourselves. But achievement is ineffective at fixing our limp. The Bible offers a better solution. In the book of Hebrews we read: “Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. ‘Make level paths for your feet,’ so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed” (Hebrews 12:12,13). True healing is the only way to be able to walk without a limp. True healing comes from God. And He brings that to us as we connect with those who are traveling along a growth path and as we begin walking down that path ourselves. That means coming out of denial and forsaking every substitute for true healing. Then, and only then, will we be able to walk without a limp.

Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. — Psalm 6:2

Healing for the Wounded Heart 160 Seventy-nine Our Beliefs About Ourselves

To a large extent, we form our beliefs about ourselves by how others treat us. And when others abuse us, we tend to believe that the fault lies with us rather than with them. We think that something must be wrong with us; otherwise, they would have treated us differently. So our beliefs about ourselves are shaped by how others treat us. There is a more reliable way to measure our true value and worth. The Bible says: “For you know that God paid a ransom to save you from the empty life you inherited from your ancestors. And the ransom he paid was not mere gold or silver. He paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God” (1 Peter 1:18,19 NLT). And John writes in his Gospel: “So the Word became human and lived here on earth among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the only Son of the Father” (John 1:14 NLT). While these passages teach important truths about God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, they also say something important about us, too.

161 Healing for the Wounded Heart Jesus left heaven to come to earth to suffer and die for us so that one day we might leave earth and live with Him forever in heaven. God did what He did because He thought we were worth it. God thinks that we are worth saving. That’s why Jesus left heaven. That’s why Jesus came to the earth. And that’s why Jesus went to the cross. We’re worth it! That does not mean we are worthy or deserve what Jesus did. That’s not what these passages are saying. But we need to remember that it was not for the sun, moon, or stars that Jesus died. It was not for any of the animals in all creation. It even wasn’t for angels that He died. It was for us. He thinks that much of us! Something is going to shape our sense of value. Either it will be what sinful people have done to us, or it will be what the loving God of heaven has done for us. One is a lie, and the other is the truth when it comes to determining our value.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. —Psalm 139:14

Healing for the Wounded Heart 162 Eighty The Truest Thing About Us

What is the truest thing about us? What defines us at the core of our being? The Lie of Abuse elbows his way to the front of the line and takes center stage in our lives. He proclaims himself to be the truest thing about us and dares anyone to say otherwise. He boasts that at the core of our being we are nothing more than abused persons. He says that this is what we will always be. Nothing more. We cringe under his tyranny and fear challenging him. We might barely notice another face in the crowd who quietly and gently makes his way to the front and calls our name. “Trust me,” He says. “I can set you free.” And by fixing our eyes on Him, we find that He does. He moves to center stage where the Lie of Abuse has been reigning. With a nail-scarred hand, He points to the Lie who recognizes the authority of this One and meekly steps down. However, after stepping down, the Lie refuses to be silent. He snorts and clamors. He huffs and puffs. He rants and raves. His noisy protests are attempts to

163 Healing for the Wounded Heart divert our attention from the One who freed us to his pathetic soul. This twisted soul knows that if he can distract us and keep our attention on him that we will forget the truest thing about us and listen to his damning words. Still, the truest thing about us is found in the face and words of the One at center stage. He reminds us that we always have been loved. His death proves our value. And His presence assures us that His good purposes for our lives cannot be thwarted as long as we look to and listen to Him. One of these two is going to capture our attention. The bully Lie of Abuse wants it to be him. He wants us to live the rest of our lives under his tyranny. But there is Another who invites us to hear the truth. And He says, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). He is the truth. And He reveals to us the truest things about us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. —Hebrews 12:2

Healing for the Wounded Heart 164 Eighty-one Approaching God

Fundamentally, there are two ways to approach God. One says, “I must master my evil and get it under control before I can be accepted by God.” This approach fosters anxiety and uncertainty. We fear failure. We fear that we may miss something that might disqualify us from being accepted. We fear that we might fail to show sufficient devotion or sacrifice. This approach to God results in deep insecurities and leaves our relationship with God in doubt. There is a better way to approach God. Instead of saying, “I must master my evil and get it under control before I can be accepted by God.” This other way says, “To master my evil and get it under control, I must begin by being accepted by God.” This approach is exactly opposite the other. It’s the only approach that works. Note the difference. With the first approach, our confidence is placed in our own efforts to prove ourselves. We proudly believe that we possess the power to vanquish evil and present ourselves acceptable to God. We mistakenly believe that the

165 Healing for the Wounded Heart problem is simply a lack of resolve. Once we make up our minds, we can conquer evil. But even if we squawk and flap our arms, it doesn’t mean that we can fly like a bird. It isn’t in our nature. And it isn’t in our unredeemed nature to put evil to death. We just cannot do it on our own, no matter how sincere we are. Paul writes: “Once you were dead, doomed forever because of your many sins.…All of us used to live that way, following the passions and desires of our evil nature. We were born with an evil nature, and we were under God’s anger just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so very much, that even while we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s special favor that you have been saved!)” (Ephesians 2;1,3-5 NLT). In Christ, God graciously changes our nature. Now instead of working frantically to prove ourselves to be acceptable, we start with God’s grace, which makes us acceptable. And with God’s help, we become more and more like Christ as the Holy Spirit helps us grow. So the pressure is off.

God is working in you to make you willing and able to obey him. —Philippians 2:13 CEV

Healing for the Wounded Heart 166 Eighty-two Cascading Emotions

Certain waterfalls are treacherous. If you enter the water upstream from these falls, you will be swept away onto the rocks and into the rapids below. It doesn’t matter if you’re a powerful swimmer. The current is too strong. The waters are too swift. Their force cannot be resisted. Certain thoughts and feelings are like these waterfalls. Once we enter their flow, they sweep us away. And we end up on the rocks and in the rapids below. Depression. Discouragement. Fear. Anger. Resentment. Bitterness. Hatred. These are just a few of the emotions that we seem powerless to resist. And once we find ourselves downstream after being swept over these falls, we have to begin the long and difficult process of climbing back to where the waters are more peaceful and calm. It’s a hard journey. Sometimes the flood of circumstance seems too great and rushes over us and sweeps us over the falls. But most often, we chose to enter the flow at some quiet place upstream, unaware or most likely in denial of where these waters will take us. But we don’t have

167 Healing for the Wounded Heart to repeat this process over and over. We can do something about it. David writes: “Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found; surely when the mighty waters rise, they will not reach him” (Psalm 32:6). He is not talking about some emergency prayer in the face of a rising tide. He is talking about a deliberate and persistent seeking of God before trouble hits and while God is to be found. This requires a disposition of seeking God when life is going right, when the waters are peaceful and calm. But it requires more than that. It requires trust. Elsewhere in the Psalms, David says: “When I am afraid, I will trust in you” (Psalm 56:3). When circumstances overwhelm us, we face a choice. Either we can go with the flow of circumstance, and see where that will take us. But we already know where that leads. Over the falls. Or we can hang onto the branch of trust and resist the tide. Yes, it takes effort but not as much as climbing back to the peaceful and calm place after going over the falls. Trust in God saves us from cascading emotions. Trust is greater than circumstance.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. — Isaiah 26:3

Healing for the Wounded Heart 168 Eighty-three Freedom From Guilt

God doesn’t want us to live with guilt. Guilt is supposed to be a temporary condition that alerts our souls to unresolved sin. Once we repent of whatever sin that we’ve committed and confess it to God, we should live free of guilt. But it doesn’t always work that way. There are times when we feel guilty most of the time, even when we haven’t committed any particular sin to feel guilty about. That’s a different problem that requires a different solution than repentance and confession. Guilt is like a warning light that signals real danger. Repentance and confession is how we reset that light to the off position. But sometimes the light malfunctions and gets stuck on. When that happens, we feel guilty all the time. We live in constant fear of God’s judgment and condemnation and feel like complete failures. When that happens, repentance and confession won’t free us from guilt. We need a different solution. We need to learn to distinguish between sin and sinfulness. Repentance and confession takes care of sin

169 Healing for the Wounded Heart but not sinfulness. Sin is what we do. Sinful is what we are. One way to resolve our guilt feelings over sinfulness is to accept by faith our standing in Christ. Paul writes: “By faith we have been made acceptable to God. And now, because of our Lord Jesus Christ, we live at peace with God. Christ has also introduced us to God’s undeserved kindness on which we take our stand. So we are happy, as we look forward to sharing in the glory of God” (Romans 5:1,2 CEV). All Christians remain sinful, yet all Christians are completely acceptable to God because of the grace found in Jesus. That should make us feel happy, not guilty. To live free of guilt, we need to learn to distinguish between sin and sinfulness, and we need to surround ourselves with supportive people who know about our struggles and share theirs with us. When we no longer live with our shameful secrets and when we learn that we’re not alone in our struggles, our burden of guilt lightens. And we can find more freedom from guilt. God has enough grace to cover all sin and our sinfulness. He wants us to live free of guilt.

But there is more! Now that God has accepted us because Christ sacrificed his life’s blood, we will also be kept safe from God’s anger. —Romans 5:9 CEV

Healing for the Wounded Heart 170 Eighty-four Receiving God’s Maximum Blessing

When we compare ourselves to some people, it seems that our lives just don’t measure up. They may be more intelligent than us. They may be more talented than us. They may have advantages that we lack. But when it comes to receiving God’s maximum blessings, things like intelligence, talent, and advantage are not what matters most. After freeing the Jews from slavery in Egypt, Moses prepared to bring the people into the land that God promised to them. But before entering the land, Moses sent twelve spies ahead to explore the territory. The Bible says that each of these men were leaders among the people. They were smart and talented. But it wasn’t their advantages that mattered most. When they came back with their report to Moses, ten spies saw the challenge before them and let fear get the best of them. They voiced their doubts and discouraged the people. The Bible says: “Then all the people began weeping aloud, and they cried all night. Their voices rose in a great chorus of complaint against

171 Healing for the Wounded Heart Moses and Aaron. ‘We wish we had died in Egypt, or even here in the wilderness!’.…‘Let’s get out of here and return to Egypt!’ Then they plotted among themselves, ‘Let’s choose a leader and go back to Egypt!’” (Numbers 14:1-4). But Joshua saw things differently. He told his countrymen of the bounty of the land then said, “And if the LORD is pleased with us, he will bring us safely into that land and give it to us. It is a rich land flowing with milk and honey, and he will give it to us! Do not rebel against the LORD, and don’t be afraid of the people of the land. They are only helpless prey to us! They have no protection, but the LORD is with us! Don’t be afraid of them!” (Numbers 14:8,9). Joshua trusted in God and let that answer his fears. In the end, it was only Joshua and Caleb—the two spies who trusted in God—who entered the Promised Land from that generation. They received God’s maximum blessing. It wasn’t their intelligence, talent, or any other advantage that made the difference. It was their faith. Faith in God is what matters most.

Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever. —Psalm 125:1

Healing for the Wounded Heart 172 Eighty-five Mustard Seed Faith

It’s easy to get confused with some of the things that Jesus says. In the Gospel of Matthew, he says, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you” (Matthew 17:20). Then in the Gospel of Luke, Jesus says, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you” (Luke 17:6). These are bold statements. Bold teaching like this can leave us feeling a little inadequate. We’ve never been able to produce any dramatic results like this with our faith. No mountains have moved or trees been uprooted at our command. So we might feel like something is wrong with our faith. The problem isn’t with our faith but our understanding of these passages. Think about it. Throughout history no one has moved a mountain or cast a tree in the sea just by issuing the command. Yet plenty of people in history have had remarkable faith.

173 Healing for the Wounded Heart So this passage is teaching that with a small amount of faith we can do remarkable things. And remarkable things don’t always happen quickly. After suffering abuse, it takes faith to believe that life can be better. And it will…over time. It takes faith to continue down the road to recovery, especially when healing and growth don’t come overnight. But they do come…over time. Just a small faith makes a big difference. It makes a big difference to believe that God has always loved you and that He thinks you’re worth dying for. And it makes a big difference to believe that this pain you’ve gone through has not been wasted. Just as Joseph told his brothers who sold him into slavery: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20). We must believe that God knows how to bring beauty from ashes and hope from despair. So instead of thinking that immediate and dramatic results are the sign of true faith, just keep trusting God and moving forward, and the mountains and trees will move. A little faith makes a big difference.

…the righteous will live by his faith. —Habakkuk 2:4

Healing for the Wounded Heart 174 Eighty-six Sowing and Reaping

Just as there are laws that govern the physical universe, so there are laws that govern the spiritual realm. One of these is the law of sowing and reaping. Paul talks about it in Galatians 6:7,8 (NLT): “Don’t be misled. Remember that you can’t ignore God and get away with it. You will always reap what you sow! Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.” We always reap what we sow. Typically, when we think about sowing to our sinful desires, we think about particular behaviors. Paul mentions some in Galatians 5:19-21 (CEV): “People’s desires make them give in to immoral ways, filthy thoughts, and shameful deeds. They worship idols, practice witchcraft, hate others, and are hard to get along with. People become jealous, angry, and selfish. They not only argue and cause trouble, but they are envious. They get drunk, carry on at wild parties, and do other evil things as well.” And while

175 Healing for the Wounded Heart these behaviors lead to the corruption of our lives, the root of the problem is what needs to be addressed. That root is thinking that we can meet our God-given needs on our own terms rather than trusting in Christ. By following our own desires without seeking help from God and His Word, we find only greater and greater darkness. We find more fear than peace, more anger than joy, more guilt than freedom, and more shame than acceptance. The undesirable consequences of this lifestyle are inescapable. Like a spiritual cancer, they consume the soul and bring death. But the way of the Spirit brings life and healing. It is the way of faith. It means trusting in God’s love for us and His desire to bless us. It means walking in obedience and resting in grace. It means dealing with our wrongdoing in the right way. It means inviting God and His Spirit to change our character in ways that willpower never can. It means learning to love in actions, not just words. Walking in the Spirit is the only life worth living. And it is completely possible depending on what we sow.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self- control. —Galatians 5:22,23

Healing for the Wounded Heart 176 Eighty-seven Successfully Failing

Everybody fails. Failure is a normal part of life. But not everybody fails successfully. Learning how to fail successfully is important to our healing and growth. When most people fail, they fail unsuccessfully. They allow their failures to defeat and define them. They become filled with shame and self- condemnation. They end up depressed, discouraged, and defeated. Failing like this just creates more problems for us. But failing successfully leaves us in an entirely different place. To fail successfully means that we respond to our wrongdoing the right way. Instead of getting discouraged and giving up, we confess our sins to God and trust His complete forgiveness of all sin. John says, “But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong” (1 John 1:9 NLT). When we respond to our wrongdoing the right way, we confess it; make amends when necessary; stay connected to our healing community; learn what we can from failure; make necessary adjustments; and continue to move forward

177 Healing for the Wounded Heart in God’s grace. Moving forward in grace is vitally important. Failure has the power to shape how we think God thinks about us. In other words, when we fail, we think God is angry and disappointed with us and that He stays that way. But the Bible says this about God: “He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:9-14). This is how God feels about us from our first breath as new creatures in Christ to the last breath we take before going to heaven. All along the way, He knows we will fail; but He wants nothing more for us than to learn to fail successfully.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. —Lamentations 3:22,23

Healing for the Wounded Heart 178 Eighty-eight Superstition Versus Submission

Superstitious people believe that they can they can ward off evil or make good things happen by doing the right ritual, sacrifice, or deed. Superstitious people want things to always turn out to their liking. Some Christians act like superstitious people. They think that they can get things to turn out the way that they want by doing just the right things. So they pray, read the Bible, give, serve, go to church and do all kinds of things hoping that God will act just the way that they want. They approach Christianity like it is just another superstition. We should pray, read the Bible, give, serve, and go to church. These things aren’t wrong. But when the most important thing to us is for God to give us what we want rather than doing His will, that’s when we’re acting less like spiritual people and more like superstitious ones. There is a better way. Submission to God and not superstition is a sign of true spirituality. Job demonstrated this. Job was a man who suffered terribly. Everything he valued in life was taken from him—his family, wealth, and health. Even

179 Healing for the Wounded Heart his friends misunderstood him and falsely accused him of sinning. Job had lost everything. But in the midst of all this, he says: “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him” (Job 13:15). Job was submissive, not superstitious. Sometimes life turns on us and brings things that we do not want and cannot prevent. In those times the best spirit to exhibit is the same spirit that Jesus showed in Gethsemane. Right before his crucifixion, he prays, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). Jesus knew that sometimes the only way to the green pastures and still waters that God wants to lead us to is through the valley of the shadow of death. And He was willing to follow God even to the cross. Now that’s submission. Life is not always going to work the way that we want. Sometimes we walk through the valley of the shadow of death. And the only thing that will sustain us then is submission, not superstition.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. —Psalm 40:4

Healing for the Wounded Heart 180 Eighty-nine The Evil Within

Evil is frightening, especially the evil within us. Our evil scares us. And often we don’t know what to do about it. Sometimes the easiest thing to do about the evil within us is to deny that it’s there. We think that if we don’t admit to having a problem, it will magically disappear. But the Bible is right when it says, “You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” (Jeremiah 6:14 TLB). To effectively deal with the evil within us, we must come out of denial. The opposite extreme of denial is obsessive fear about the evil within us. Fear leads some to be extra careful about every thought, word, and deed. For others, fear leaves them doubting their acceptance by God. We make a basic mistake when we obsessively fear the evil within us. This mistake is that we assume too much responsibility for the problem. Instead of obsessively fearing the evil within us, we need to trust God and His ability to deal with our evil within. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit helps us put to

181 Healing for the Wounded Heart death the evil within us. Paul writes: “…if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live” (Romans 8:13). We have God’s help to put to death our evil, but this transformation doesn’t come instantly. Once we gain victory in one area of our lives, we discover another needing growth. It’s a never-ending process. But God’s grace is sufficient to keep our relationship with Him intact while we’re growing. Paul writes: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). The evil within us bothers us most when we feel like we have failed God by sinning. Again, we need to trust God’s ability to manage our badness. When Jesus died on the cross, He did not die just for the sins that we committed before conversion. He forgave all our sins. The Apostle John writes: “My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 2:1). So God is able to manage all the evil that’s still within us. We just need to learn to trust that He can.

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it. —Hebrews 4:16 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 182 Ninety The Starting Point

Where you start oftentimes determines where you end up. Many people start their relationship with God with the sense that they have to prove themselves before God will accept them. So they start down a path that includes serious effort to conquer all their bad habits and just as serious effort to do all the things that they think God wants them to do. They go to church, read and study the Bible, witness, pray, and try to avoid every temptation. But something crazy happens to them. Instead of feeling more at peace and instead of feeling accepted by God, they only feel that they aren’t doing enough. They never feel good enough. They constantly reflect on their shortcomings and feel horrible. It’s maddening. The problem isn’t really due to a lack of devotion or trying on their part. The problem is with their starting point. They started at the point of thinking that they had to prove themselves to God before He would accept them. And that starting point always takes people down a path of no lasting peace or joy. God invites us to travel a different route that

183 Healing for the Wounded Heart begins at an entirely different starting point. Instead of starting at the place of needing to prove ourselves to God in order to be accepted by Him, God invites us to start at the place of full acceptance by Him in Christ. Paul writes: “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NLT). Paul doesn’t qualify his statement. He doesn’t say that there is no condemnation for only those Christians who have conquered all their bad habits and are living a fully devoted life for God. No. All in Christ start at the place of full acceptance by God; and as we continue our walk in faith that doesn’t change. Acceptance by God makes it possible for us to grow spiritually. For instead of always feeling that we must do something more in order to be accepted by God, we can trust that Christ has already made us acceptable to God. His grace allows the new life that God has placed within us room to grow and bear fruit.

Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. —Philippians 2:12,13 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 184 Ninety-one True Freedom

It’s easy to be haunted by our inadequacies and to feel that we will never be all that God wants us to be. It’s easy to feel like our best is never good enough. And that’s discouraging. Paul writes: “Christ has set us free! This means we are really free” (Galatians 5:1 CEV). For many Christianity doesn’t bring them freedom, it only makes them feel guilty and reminds them of their shortcomings. But that’s not what Christianity is supposed to be. Christianity should set the heart free. We enslave our heart in two ways. One is through sin. Jesus says: “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin” (John 8:34). Living a life of sin robs the heart of true freedom. For when we give ourselves over to sin, it controls us and leads to death. However, sin is not the only way to enslave the soul. When Paul writes, “Christ has set us free! This means we are really free.” he goes on and says, “Now hold on to your freedom and don’t ever become slaves of the Law again.” Law is any attempt on our part to resolve our guilt and shame on our own. Law means

185 Healing for the Wounded Heart trying to overcome our inadequacies before God on our own power. Law condemns us to trying and trying and trying only to fall short again and again and again. It’s discouraging. But there is a better way—God’s grace. God’s grace means that we have His favor that we don’t deserve. That grace is given to us in Christ. So in Christ, we stand before God with fullness, not inadequacy. Paul writes: “You have been given fullness in Christ” (Colossians 2:10). The key is learning to let that fullness be the answer whenever our hearts condemn us. We sin, but in Christ we have God’s full mercy. We’re inadequate, but in Christ we have God’s full grace. We have fullness before God in everything. That fullness comes through Jesus. And in that fullness is true freedom.

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. —2 Corinthians 3:17

Healing for the Wounded Heart 186 Ninety-two What the Cross Means

It’s easy to feel that God is against us, especially when he doesn’t spare us from suffering or give us the good that we want. This can leave us feeling uncertain about where we stand with Him. Or worse, it might leave us feeling like God opposes us. Paul corrects this faulty thinking by writing: “What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:31,32). The evidence that Paul cites to make the case that God is for us is the cross. Think about what this means. God so wanted a relationship with us that He was willing to make the greatest possible sacrifice to realize this. This reveals God’s true heart toward us. Paul claims the cross proves that God is for us. In Paul’s mind, the cross answers all doubts and questions about how God really feels about us. That might help Paul, but what about us? We have to decide if the cross will answer our doubts and

187 Healing for the Wounded Heart questions about how God really feels about us. If the cross isn’t going to do that, then something will. And most likely, it will be our circumstances. But there is a big problem with that. The problem with making circumstances the key to interpreting how God feels about us is that circumstances are so fickle. Sometimes things go our way. Other times, they don’t. So if we let circumstance play this role, then when things don’t go our way we have to conclude that God has turned against us. In Romans 8, Paul says that sometimes life will not go to our liking. He writes about hardship, trouble and death. Life encompasses a full spectrum of experiences—some we love, others we hate. But Paul sees the cross not only as revealing God’s heart but our future. Paul writes: “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32). Even in the midst of unwanted circumstance, we can be assured that God hasn’t forgotten us. The cross gives us confidence that God is for us.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. —Romans 8:37

Healing for the Wounded Heart 188 Ninety-three Grief and Reality

Grief is the emotional process of accepting reality. And that’s why we don’t like it. Grief brings us face- to-face with life as it is, not as we wish it to be. Grief confronts us with reality. When we grieve, we bid farewell to the life that cannot be. We accept the changes that have been thrust upon us. It feels like we’ve walked through a door that slammed shut locking behind us. And we cannot go back to the way things were. We cannot have the good that we had then. We are left with life as it is. And that’s what we hate. For life now is not the life we want. When we compare the life that is with the life that cannot be, the contrast is stark. We know which we would choose. But we’re not given a choice. We’re left with what we have, and some lose heart. However, we need to remember that grief is the emotional process of accepting reality. And reality is larger than loss. The cross shows that. The cross reminds us that life sometimes takes us to places that we don’t want to visit. In the shadow of

189 Healing for the Wounded Heart the cross, Jesus prays to his Father to spare him this suffering. Yet he surrenders to God’s will. Jesus knew there was a Reality bigger than the cross. So he entrusted all to the One who resurrects the dead. And in so doing, Jesus experienced the one Power that brings light from darkness and life from death. The same Reality that brought the world’s greatest good from history’s greatest tragedy is the same God at work in our circumstances. Paul writes: “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love” (Romans 5:3-5 NLT). True grief teaches us to not fear reality. Reality includes painful loss. But reality doesn’t stop there; otherwise we would have no hope. Reality includes the God who redeems—not just the soul but also our pain. And in that we find hope.

For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. —2 Corinthians 1:5

Healing for the Wounded Heart 190 Ninety-four The Good We Want

What do we do when we can’t have the good that we want? That’s an important question. Maybe we wish that we could turn back the hands of time to before our abuse. Maybe we wish that we could walk down a different path than the one we’ve taken. Maybe we wish that we were born into a different family, one that would have protected us. Maybe we wish that we didn’t have to struggle so much with our thoughts and feelings. Maybe we wish that we could find someone to love and marry and who would love us in return. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. But we don’t get the good that we want. And that’s hard. Sometimes when we don’t get the good that we want, we get stuck. We get stuck in anger and protest. We get stuck in bitterness and depression. We get stuck in a life that we don’t want and see no good way out. There is a good way out, if we choose to take it. It is the way of grief. Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). The

191 Healing for the Wounded Heart good way out is the way of acceptance. We must accept life for what it is and accept the Lord for what He offers. Again, Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). The good way out means trust. We must trust that God is able to heal our broken hearts and work His good purposes in us. David says, “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord” (Psalm 27:13,14). There is a good way out. Going through life, no one, not even Jesus, gets only the good he or she wants. When Jesus neared the cross, He asked the Father to spare Him that pain. He didn’t get what He wanted, but He knew that He could trust His Father. And by trusting God, He found something even better than the good He wanted. We can, too.

I said to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.” —Psalm 16:2

Healing for the Wounded Heart 192 Ninety-five What to Do With the Hurt

By holding onto the hurt, we think that we can keep from being hurt again. But it doesn’t work that way. Instead, by holding onto the hurt, we only prevent one thing—our own healing and recovery. Think about it. By holding onto the hurt, we keep our anger alive. We keep our resentments alive. We keep our bitterness alive. But continued anger, resentment and bitterness warp the spirit. They do not heal it. What we suffered was an injustice. We didn’t deserve this. It ought not have been done. Not to us. Not to anybody. But it has been done. Now what? What do we do with the hurt? Anger, resentment and bitterness are natural. Nobody faults us for feeling that way after being hurt. The problem is staying that way after being hurt. It’s one thing to feel anger, resentment and bitterness. It’s entirely something else to become an angry, resentful and bitter person. We do not have to accept that fate. We have a choice. We can grieve. Jesus says, “God blesses those who

193 Healing for the Wounded Heart mourn, for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NLT). True grief moves us from hurt to comfort. Nothing else works. Grieving our losses following a hurt is a good choice to make. Another good choice to make is forgiveness. People get confused about forgiveness. They think it is excusing offenders of their wrong and acting like everything is okay. But that’s not true forgiveness. True forgiveness cancels a debt that is owed. And in canceling that debt, we set our own hearts free. Forgiveness sets us free from anger, resentment and bitterness. Nothing else works. So when we’ve been hurt, we face a couple choices. We can hold onto the hurt. But that leaves us stuck in anger, resentment and bitterness. Or we can grieve and forgive. And grief and forgiveness are the only ways to find real comfort, peace and freedom. The choice is ours about what to do with the hurt.

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. —Deuteronomy 30:15

Healing for the Wounded Heart 194 Ninety-six Forgiving Ourselves

People often talk about forgiving themselves. But that’s just a figure of speech and not an accurate way to describe how to find peace considering the wrongs we’ve done. Think about forgiveness. Forgiveness is the act of canceling a debt that someone owes you. So to forgive, there has to be at least two parties—the offender and the offended. Standing between these two parties is the offense with the debt that is owed. In the act of forgiving, the offended person cancels that debt and takes the moral high ground. He or she grants grace to someone who doesn’t deserve it. Given these realities, it’s impossible to forgive ourselves. In so doing, we would create a number of absurdities. We would have to stand in the place of both the offender and the offended at the same time. The debt we owed, we would owe to ourselves. And we would be the ones taking the moral high road by forgiving ourselves, yet we would be the ones who did the offending in the first place. It becomes completely nonsensical.

195 Healing for the Wounded Heart Certainly, it’s not bad to talk about forgiving ourselves. But maybe we should think about this matter more accurately. When we “forgive ourselves,” we actually are taking in grace that has been given to us from the outside. When God or others forgive us, our sense of condemnation is relieved when we accept that grace and live in its truth. That’s how we find peace regardless of what evil or shameful things we’ve done. Paul sheds some light on this topic when he writes: “Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life” (1 Timothy 1:15,16). Despite the evil that he had done, Paul knew peace because he accepted grace. Accepting the grace given to us from others and God is the only way to forgive ourselves and find peace in light of what we’ve done.

I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die. —Galatians 2:21 NLT

Healing for the Wounded Heart 196 Ninety-seven Accepting Grace

People have a hard time accepting grace. There is something within us that resists being dependent of grace. We want to prove ourselves. We want to prove to the world and to ourselves that we can do it. We can be the people that we know we have the potential for being. We can meet the standards and not fall short. But reality says otherwise. Paul writes: “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23 NLT). And he candidly tells about his own failures when he writes: “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15 NLT). Then he continues by saying: “And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway” (18,19). Paul struggled with his own humanity. We all face the same predicament. We always fall short of God’s standards. But even though our

197 Healing for the Wounded Heart performance is hopeless, Paul did not see our situation as being that way. He writes: “Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin” (Romans 7:25 NLT). Then in the very next verse, he says, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Thank God for grace! No condemnation is ours when our confidence is in what Jesus has done for us rather than what we can do for ourselves. So there is no shame in accepting grace especially since grace is what we need most to live truly spiritual lives. We would be fools to live without it.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith— and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. —Ephesians 2:8,9

Healing for the Wounded Heart 198 Ninety-eight About Perpetrators

We like to think of ourselves as being different from our perpetrators. And in certain respects, we are. But there is another truth we cannot afford to ignore. At the foot of the cross, we all share the same designation—perpetrator. We all stand in the shadow of the cross guilty as charged. The precious blood that flows down this tree isn’t due to Jewish hostility or Roman expediency. Our hands drip crimson. We held the hammer. It was our sins that put him there. We’re to blame. Each of us. We’re nothing but perpetrators. Look at the crowd gathered at the foot of the cross. To one side are prostitutes and drug addicts. To the other are murderers and molesters. Around this cross assemble the foolish and wise, the base and influential, the poor and wealthy. Shoulder-to-shoulder we stand as the rabble of perpetrators that put Jesus on the cross. We have earned our place amongst this throng. Our sins qualify us to stand in the ranks of perpetrators. As we lift our eyes to the cross, we must realize

199 Healing for the Wounded Heart that we don’t deserve this. We don’t deserve this much compassion. Such love. Such grace. Such forgiveness. It’s excessive. But God gives it anyway. This is how much God love us. Perpetrators have a hard time feeling loved. They have a hard time believing that they are of value. But the cross answers all doubts. The cross is God’s public spectacle of His excessive love for perpetrators. The cross says, “No matter what you’ve done or what others say, I think you’re worth dying for.” This is true for us. It is true for them. Paul writes: “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Corinthians 6:9-11). In Christ, all perpetrators find hope. For in Christ, we find something better than judgment; we find grace.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. —John 3:16,17

Healing for the Wounded Heart 200 Ninety-nine Somebody Needs You

Somebody needs you. Somebody hasn’t traveled as far as you have down the road to recovery, and she needs to know that there is hope and healing. Somebody needs your guidance. Somebody needs your compassion. Somebody needs to see what God is doing in your life. Somebody needs to know that there is a better way to live than living a life of fear, anger, guilt and shame. Somebody needs to see that life can be good again. Life can be good again. God never intended for us to live the rest of our lives stuck in hurt and preoccupied with pain. He has given all that we need to live victorious lives. The Bible says: “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness” (2 Peter 1:3). God is that gracious. God has graciously given us all that we need to live a good life in an evil world—in a world where evil is done to us and evil is done by us. God has given us His forgiveness in Christ. With salvation, God has

201 Healing for the Wounded Heart taken care of the evil done by us. And with healing, God has taken care of the evil done to us. God has given us His grace for growth and recovery. He has supplied all our needs according to His glorious riches in Christ. A new way of living is possible. We cannot go back to the innocent days before abuse. But we do not have to spend the rest of our days stuck in our pain. We can live, as Paul says, the only life that counts: A life where faith expresses itself through love. Living a life of faith, service and love is the only life worth living. And that life can be ours as we experience healing for our wounded hearts. Somebody is living with a wounded heart. And she needs to know that healing is possible. She needs to see someone living with hope. You can be the one that God uses to inspire hope within her.

So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” —2 Corinthians 5:20

Healing for the Wounded Heart 202 One Hundred The Rest of the Story

The pool at Bethesda has one less soul lingering around it awaiting a healing. The man who was an invalid for thirty-eight years found what he was looking for the day he met Jesus. Christ healed him and told him to pick up his mat and walk. The man immediately obeyed and left the poolside where the blind, the lame, and the paralyzed congregated. The Bible says little about the rest of this man’s story. But we do have a couple tidbits. He had a brief clash with the Jews for carrying his mat on the Sabbath—the day Jesus healed him. Their restrictive interpretation of the law didn’t allow for this. Then we’re told that the man met Jesus one last time at the temple where Jesus warned him that living a life of sin would bring a fate far worse than what he already had lived through. Serious words. But beyond that, we know nothing of the rest of his story. Maybe this man heeded Jesus’ advice and became a follower of Christ. Or maybe he went his own way glad for the healing but indifferent to his need for spiritual growth. We just don’t know what he did next.

203 Healing for the Wounded Heart Really, the rest of his story is irrelevant to us. What matters most is what we’ll do next. We have been given this moment to decide what the rest of our lives will look like. We have been given this moment to plot the rest of our story. We cannot choose the circumstances to come. We do not have the power to guarantee that only the things we want to have happen will happen to us. But we do have the power to choose if we are going to continue to heal and grow. We have the power to choose how we’re going to respond to life. We have the power to decide to follow Christ. Consider Paul’s words: “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14). There is no better way to live the rest of your story.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. —2 Timothy 4:7

Healing for the Wounded Heart 204 CChild hood. That’s what the girls of Rapha House have lost. They’re survivors of human trafficking and sexual exploitation. They know what it’s like to lose their freedom, their innocence, and their childhood. We can’t change their past, but we can do something about their futures. And with your help, we’re bringing hope to girls who have lost so much.

www.freedomforgirls.org

205 Healing for the Wounded Heart The Rapha House Freedom Every Foundation serves girls who have graduated from their stay at Rapha Child House—the safehouse for survivors of human trafficking and the sexual Deserves a exploitation. Our programs help make the Carefree dreams that these girls have of lasting freedom a reality. We offer: Childhood. Housing Grants Education Scholarships Small Business Grants & Loans Employment Opportunities Job Training Rapha House Support Groups Counseling Services Freedom No- or Low-interest Loans And More! Foundation All gifts to the Rapha House Freedom Foundation are tax-deductible.

www.freedomforgirls.org

Healing for the Wounded Heart 206